Wed.17.Aug: 15.18 FINALLY SETTLING... ANOTHER MORNING OF MAYHEM! COURTESY OF THE USPS AND THE FUCKING INBREEDS OF NEW RUSSIA... THIS TIME... THE INVOLVEMENT IS THE STATE POLICE AND THE "CRISIS" CENTRE OF USPS AND, I'M TO UNDERSTAND, THE USPS OIG! Bernard and Daryl McCoy... PO Box 8... down the main. I was on the verge of quitting. Kevin was calm and kind(ish). We shall see. meanwhile, Stolen time from Yonah... I'm NOT happy. And Madame Nextdoor got a face full of "fuktards and inbreeds" so... there goes the "happy home-stead". I'm through with this shit! Oh... and Kevin got a "phone call" to tell him that the police were at the PO here. Yeah? Well... - BUT... Yonah is officially on the POB5 today! - 18.31 Inspector calls to tell me that what happened to me in VT was assault, punishable by prison time BUT what happened HERE was handled to the extent by the State Police. They're doing nothing! Meanwhile, I talked with Cocrrina at the E-town PO: says she, her mother dated "Daryl" years ago. She, C, was 7 at the time, doesn't remember much but says her older brothers are STILL disturbed by what happened to her mother. So this is a certifiable fuktard! But... looks like I'll give it all another go tomorrow... if we make it through tonight. - Yonah's MILK THISTLE ARRIVED TODAY! FIRST CAP IN TONIGHT'S FRESH FOOD! Research (VCA) says it takes a few months to see absolute effects but improvement will be noticed in less time. YAY! I HOPE! - His "heater mirror" arrived.. It's a polished metal box, no "mirror". But it had scratches so... it's to be picked-up tomorrow... replacement due on Monday. Luckily, no "bitter" nights foreseeable. - Meanwhile... Fukmoron next door asked if McCoy is a "Republican"... POLITICS? These people truly ARE mentally irredeemable! We (I) are with-drawing from this place. "One way or another". - I'm SO TIRED! And a day of journalling and being with Yonah has been stolen. At least we had meals together. I'm SO fedthefukup. - 20.43 Yonah is tucked-in and the house is quiet and tonight, as a light rain falls out-side, doors are closed... primarily because of "Daryl McCoy". This sort of existence CANNOT continue... I'll be working the HELL out of the next budget and hoping to find more suitable living for Yonah and I... away from here. And now, even if it means giving-up these mountains... better to live in the flat-lands than to suffer in this place. - I looked into a "handgun permit" this evening... I'm going to ask John O. about it and for advice. It's time to get one, at least to keep in the house. Sure, I can defend with the "blades" in here, but, in the case of some moron coming up and starting to break in or "launching" something through the windows... well... Imagine, living here and needing a gun. It's really becoming "VT" again. - OH... met the guy in box 9 this evening... He's from Castle Hill originally! We had a wonderful talk... and he put me wise to "bee pollen" (which is his parcel, waiting for him) and allergies. And when I told him I "have" the PO he was delighted! So... it helped "take the edge off" today's fuck-farce. Though I doubt that "edge" will dull any time before the heavy snows fall and those inbreeds tend to stay in their shed. (I found out, the "litter" resides in the run-down shit-shanty down the main... they're the ones who are in that place on the edge of the woods where I've been going to get Yonah's mosses! So... as much as I don't want to any more, looks like I'll be almost forced to head to Deb's for trees for my Little Guy... oh well.) - Now, as the clock approaches 21.00, I'm SO TIRED I could sit here at the kitchen table and go so sleep sitting up (which probably might not be such a bad idea since my legs are OK when I'm sitting... and last night was a horror again... up every 2 hours and making it all but impossible to get out of the rack this morning). But Yonah's futon is set and I'll have a bit of ice cream and Brit and then... - Time to get to market for more ice cream too! If the weather cooperates tomorrow, I just might make a dash to market... NOT asking Deb who, this morning, after the fuckfarce said she's not been well and to let her know when I need to get to town. (I think she some-how looks forward to the company but... I owe her MORE than enough already... MOST, if not ALL of my next couple of pay-cheques... So much for "working"... I'm working to pay-off the debts incurred for getting the fucking job in the first fucking place. - One thing though... Corine said that Kevin was "stressed" this evening when he left the office... we shall see how much... tomorrow. (And I'm not looking forward to tomorrow anyway... though I remember the old man screaming he'd call "Stephanik"... "Republicans"? Maybe they think I'm just an invasive Liberal. Should prove interesting. Time will tell... - BUT... IT'S "CITY TIME"... FUCK THE FOLKS AROUND... WE'RE ON OUR OWN NOW. - Time for ice cream... I've taken a naprox, not that they "help"... but I can hope. - 22.24 Off to Yonah's futon... and a bit more rain is just falling. Now, let's see what sort of night we're in for... PAIN... no doubt. And oddly... the pain in the chest is back... maybe a trip to the ER... "stress"? More for the "situation".... well at least I have a "run-down" on the moron McCoys. Not that it makes life easier.. but the rain is falling heavier... maybe it'll keep the inbreeds at home... though, they're feral so...

Thu.18.Aug: 6.03 MORNING CALL! I just sat to begin today's journal. "woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo...hoo-hoo". WOOHOO INDEED! BABY-BOO IS UP AND AWAKE! - 14.42 I managed to get the fuck out of that Hell-hole this morning and was back with m'Babe by 11.10! Did I do things correctly? Well, (a) I don't give a shit, (b) there's been no phone call thus far so... it's done. BUT... right now, after a 45-minute nap, I'm actually so tired that I'm cold and achey and the pressure in the chest is back and I'm nauseated. THIS cannot and will not continue much longer. But I made it clear to Amy, this morning, that my "goal" is to see the office closed "by Thanksgiving". And then, Deborah came to check her mail as I was getting ready to close, I just happened to walk out the door as she pulled-up. Told her the same thing about closing the place by Thanksgiving. (Oddly... no "e-mails" today... nothing since yesterday at some point. I'd mentioned needing to go to market... no offer to drive. Her Julio is coming back so that closes that. And as for that situation, she said, yesterday, that he "tested negative" and will be driving back either today or tomorrow. Imagine? Never mind the "5-day quarantine" after a negative test... to be sure. Never mind all the "protocol" recommended. Yep... "Liberal"... cherry-picking what-ever is appropriate to the "pity me" bull-shit. These are the days. And as for yesterday's event... Blown off. Fine.) Anyway, I really can't expect anything different. - I'm just really annoyed at feeling so shitty. I maybe should have ignored the entire PO BS postings and let them figure it out. But... we shall give it a little while longer. Let's see what a "normal" pay-cheque looks like and if it's not worth it... Drop it. - Mean-while, was preparing to go to market because I don't care HOW the truck sounds, but, being tired and not "well", I can just get by on what I have. The only real "need" was ice cream anyway. It can wait. - Done. - MEAN-WHILE... ALMOST NO SLEEP AT ALL LAST NIGHT! I STARTED TO SLEEP ON YONAH'S FUTON... BUT, YES, AT ABOUT MID-NIGHT, THE CONTRACTIONS BEGAN! FEET... TERRIBLY SORE. COULDN'T EVEN WALK THEM OFF! THEN THE LEGS. BUT WITH THE FIRST, I HEADED TO THE RACK. I WASN'T GOING TO KEEP MY LITTLE GUY AWAKE THROUGH THE NIGHT. AND AS IT TURNED-OUT... I DIDN'T REALLY ACTUALLY GET TO ANY SORT OF "SLEEP" UNTIL ALMOST 4.00 THIS MORNING! CONTRACTIONS. ANXIETIES. THIS FUCKING "JOB". WELL... THE JOB IS IRRELEVANT... IT'S ALMOST DONE ANYWAY. AND IF THE STRESS IS GOING TO KEEP ME UP THROUGH THE NIGHT (HONESTLY, A LOT OF WHAT WAS WRONG LAST NIGHT WAS WAITING FOR A SPRAY OF BUCKSHOT THROUGH THE WINDOW OR A ROCK THROUGH A WINDOW) IT'S GONE !!! (not to mention, the fact that nobody bothered to "check-in" on me today... they don't give a shit? well... close the office, board it up... buh-bye.) - That said, this morning, at 6.40, I was standing in the grey morning, on the front porch, and across at Cliff's, in the one tree on his yard, I heard some "screeching"... a crow, chasing a large hawk. The bloody hawks are back... and apparently hungry. But my gut tended to think of it as an "omen"... and not of "joy". I wondered about the day at the damned PO and thought: "When you stress about going to work, first thing in the morning, it's no longer 'employment'... it's a curse." Anyway, where that's concerned, at the very least, I believe I've managed to put the NR PO on the "Fed Watch List". Now they know there are bouts of violence in the place... even Amy agreed to that much. But when I saw the hawk, that's when I got the notion... Close the office by Thanksgiving! This is odd for me. I've worked in so many offices that the USPS wanted to close, but I managed to increase revenue so that they backed-off to a point. THIS TIME? I'm looking forward to decreasing revenue to the point where... it will be "Buh-Bye" to a zip code. Oh well... alas for these dolts. - 15.04 SO that's that and Yonah and I are together and I have my ginger tisane at hand... and things are "calm"... for now. I've nothing to do with the PO... until tomorrow morning. FUKKIT! AND FUKKEMALL! - It's a strange sort of feeling now, compared to all the other offices over the 30 years of doing this "PMR" work. There was an effort to close the Walker Valley office (which is now a 6-hour office, sadly), and we managed to get the revenue up and keep the place running. Same with Cragsmoor. Franklin? Well, that made its own for the 6-hour office. But Sheldon Creek... how well I remember telling the folks that we needed to ramp up the revenue to keep the place a-float and Rachel calling to tell me to check the Revenue Reports... we'd managed to get THAT one rolling along too! Cragsmoor is now, sadly, another 2-hour office and Sheldon Creek no longer exists. But WE DID IT back then. At one point, I thought we could do the same for New Russia. BUT, after Tuesday and the fact that nobody gives a fuck about THAT event... well... as I've said, THIS TIME, my "goal" is... Good-bye 12964 by Thanksgiving. I've never worked to shut down my employer. Thankfully, I'm in a position where I can... and I'm sure there will be some who will be quite happy if I succeed... and others who won't but... those who won't are the almost insignificant minority. - Anyway... - 19.41 And so well so... the day is done... the clouds never broke so we didn't go out after evening meals. But Corey came to get the "returned 'mirror heater' AND THE NEW UNDER-SHORTS ARRIVED... 6 OF THEM! They're hideous... of course... they're Walmarde. But, as I said to Yonah: nobody see my under-wear any more anyway so it doesn't matter. They look as though they're a bit on the "larger" side round the waist, and I'm pretty sure they're good for only ONE washing. They're REALLY SHITTY QUALITY. But, there's 6 of them, brand new... to replace the what-was-good-quality I have... but have worn through. - Monday, the new "mirror" is due ... hopefully the nights won't chill before then. - And I managed to grind more seeds for Yonah. I'm annoyed that we have to do that... still angry with the "Phairie-Princess so-called veterinarian". But, I'm SO HOPEFUL that the milk thistle will help with Yonah's feathers... which, tonight, I notice, have white "dander". I wonder if he's not just "dry". I'll have to look and see if there isn't something I can do about that. I've seen "aloe sprays". I'm just leery about spraying him with anything he might ingest... especially now where it does seem he has some sort of "liver-thing" happening. Well... we'll see. He's been SO LOVEY ALL DAY TODAY! IN FACT, HE LET ME HAVE A 45-MINUTE NAP WHEN I GOT BACK IN FROM THE OFFICE! - Other than that... a recent e-mail from Deborah... Her Julio is on his way back up this evening. She offered to pick things up at the market for me tomorrow... her Nancy's daughter is away. Never mind all that. Deborah is proving herself to be another one of those "I can write a cheque but haven't the time for anything else" folks. I just want to get her paid back for her "kindnesses" and get on with and away from it all. - But for the moment... I REALLY AM FALLING BEHIND WITH THESE JOURNALS! I STILL HAVE MUCH TO GET DONE ON YONAH'S... AND SO SO SO SO MUCH ON THIS ONE! AUGUST HAS BEEN A FUCKED MONTH! I JUST WISH I HAD THE ENERGY! If I could SLEEP at night... - Speaking of which... am thinking of sleeping with Yonah again, tonight. No particular reason, other than just being "close". But after last night... it might be best that I don't. I don't want a repeat of getting up in the middle of the night and disturbing him. - 20.24 Yonah is tucked-in. The house is closed for the night. I'm EXHAUSTED! AND NOW, FEARFUL OF ANOTHER NIGHT OF CONTRACTIONS. I was looking into that again, earlier... there's no known "treatment" for this shit. There's a multitude of "probable causes" but is seems it's something that "modern medicine" can't figure out! And, having a "Primary Care Physician" who has no interest in it, doesn't want to be bothered looking into it... well... HEY! YONAH AND I... RELYING ON ONE-ANOTHER... BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE CAN BE BOTHERED. FTW... AS THEY SAY. - Now that said... I'm having an ice cream, Brit and heading to the rack. Tomorrow might be pay-day... I HOPE they don't send a paper cheque! But, I'm figuring they probably will. Oh well... I've a list for market anyway... it'll make the stress of driving into town worth the effort... or not. FUCK ME! - 21.42

Fri.19.Aug: 7.03 up at 5.55 Yonah too! And I managed to actually SLEEP-THROUGH the night! Woke at 4.-something, of course. But SLEPT! AT LAST! - PO NEWS? Well... "pay" came to about HALF of what I'd expected... I don't understand "cross-foot" BS. I don't see any "Travel" expenses paid on-line. AND... it DIDN'T get put into the banque! SO... there might be a paper cheque today which means... a trip into town whether or not I like it. NOT HAPPY this morning, already... on top of the STRESS of going into that shit-box. Happy Friday... welcome "back" to the USPSFARCE! FUK! - BUT... YONAH IS OK THIS MORNING SO... there we have it... AND... it's supposed to be a "clear weather" day so... Let's see what SHIT will be SLUNG... - 15.13 I'M BACK FROM MARKET AND THE COURT HOUSE (Permit) AND KINNEY'S (where I got the shampoo and tea tree oil for my head) !!!!! MADE IT !!! STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT BUT WE MADE IT! AND... AND... PAY-ROLL POSTED TO THE SAVINGS !!! Now... on with the rest of what little of the day is left! FUCK! All that time away from my Little Guy! NOT HAPPY! Me. - 19.30 My Little Guy is back in ... We went out right after meal, at 18.00. But WOW! The sun's already set! EARLY!- 2122 Sat.20 12.11 Back from the box... and Jeff actually stopped and CHATTED! Go figure. And I'm OUT for the day! I hope. AND I THINK I may have "corrected" things on the 1412. But, we shall see... Come Monday. Right now... I'M BACK WITH M'BABE! AND THE WORLD IS FINE! - AND IT'S BLOODY HOT OUT THERE! - 20.28 Yonah is tucked-in, the house is as settled as it will be. Another batch of sand has been thrice boiled, twice baked... there's a major house-keeping coming! I managed to get an hour's nap in this afternoon... no rush... there was nothing that HAD to be done save these journals... and I've still got a week on Yonah's and almost the entire month here! Tired... of course. Put a bit of tea tree oil on that spot on my head... 20 minutes later, I was achy, floating, heavy chested... BUT... if it will take that thing off my scalp, I'll do what I must. Ordered Benebac powder from Chewy this evening... had trouble withthe order. Called Customer Support. "Michelle" was a GEM! And so ,the order is in! I can hardly wait! Deb sent e-mail. Sister out of hospital. But now Julio slept all day... not well... "covid". Honestly! They can run this shit thin! But I was kind in my reply. She's complaining she's got bats in the new barn. (I;'ve looked-up bat houses... will order one for her, not that I believe she'll put it up... but to complain about bats! Clueless.) I'm growing tired of this nonsnese... I know she's not well... but... this "Praying your day..." and "Praying that..." and being in "prayers"... REALLY! I can't wait to just pay her back and move on. Tomorrow, I want to see abut getting Yonah a new tree... and then to John's to see about the pistol permit. Other than that... a bit of lavage, house-keeping. TOnight... "twitch" in the right eye... like a lash or something... a little "twitching line of darkness" top to bottom... the lid or something.... AND THAT QUNT IS TAPPING ON THE FUCKING WALL! IT WAS OVER AT THE McFUKNUTS' THIS EVENING... AFTER HAVING SOME SORT OF SOMEBODY PARKED IN THE DRIVE... NO GOING OUT AFTER EVENING MEALS. AND NOW... AT 20.35... TAPPING ON THE WALL? THIS IS NOT A "GOOD TIME" FOR THAT BULL-SHIT. But I do must try to recall that it's not bright enough... nor it's "companions". ANyway... I want to be on Yonah' futon soon so... It's HOT! It was HOT... WELL over 30°! today... Hopefully a bit cooler tonight. 22.03 at 21.59 DOWN-POUR ... now done... never showed on the weather radar. Days' done. Sun.21.Aug: 19.40 How odd... 34 years ago it was a Sunday... At this hour, I was probably being dumped at the Beacon train station, having been driven back from Buffalo... having said "auf Weidersehen" to mother... How clearly I remember the ride along the Thruway... but nothing after... other than I'm sure I was left at the train station because I was at work on Monday.... - That said... Up at 5.55 this morning after a night of only ONE TINY BRIEF CONTRACTION OF THE LEFT FOOT! Yonah woke me at 5.55... I didn't set an alarm. I opened his house... laid on the futon... slept until 7.25 when we woke me and the day began! - Washed under things... still on the rack. Third baking of the sand int he oven. Prepped the chicken and it's in the freezer and for the rest of the day... worked on Yonah's Journal which is almost caught-up at last... THIS ONE? THE ENTIRE MONTHS IS BEHIND! I'll be working on this month through Sept. at this rate! But that's OK... I still have text AND photos on Yonah's to do! - Toddled over to John O's today to ask about the permit. No answer... I'll hope to see him tomorrow... Gives me time to ponder the permit anyway... Maybe I'll just by a shotgun and have done with it. - Anway... it's 19.46 and there's a little BIRDIE on the back of the chair... - SO HOT HUMID AGAIN tonight and we didn't get out... but the UV light is on... YAY! - 20.13 Yonah is tucked-in. The night is calm... hot... humid. I'm just in from a smoke and watching a coyote "tiddle" (as they walk) across the road from John A.'s place and into the woods behind Eric's place. It struck me... THAT'S the "ODD" creature I'd seen crossing the road late one night this past Winter. THAT'S the strange, almost "alien"-like creature out in the cold. Like a small dog but with such a rapid gait. Another "mountain mystery" solved. The more I learn the closer I get to my "quota"... and... "the end"... no doubt. - I'm SO tired... will have my ice cream and Brit and head for the rack. I could use a shower but... hot water... gas expense... and the time and energy... I just don't want to be bollocksed. Beside, it's been a "heavy chest" sort of day too. Congestion like crazy! It's why I didn't sleep in Yonah's room last night... or did I? You know? I don't recall.... No... wait... YES. Yes I did! That's why the phone was turned off this morning! No alarm. FUCK ME! I'm forgetting that much now! And last night Iwas so congested that I woke me and apologised to Yonah! WOW! My mind is going... Oxygen deprivation, no doubt. OK... I have to modify HIS journal now too... before I forget and what-ever... OK... "August"... too much on the old mind these days... - 2157 off to the rack... no shower... will take tomorrow... in spite of feeling shitty... I'm just too damned tired and don't have a shit to give.

Mon.22.Aug: 8.34 stretching the time ... up at the 5.30 alarm... Yonah woke a bit later... but I did have his door closed. It was still DARK when I got up! Imagine? "Summer" is gone! - And... 34 years ago today... at about 10.30... Today should be interesting. I woke feeling like "Death" was waiting... engine running. - BUT YONAH IS UP AND ABOUT AND IN THE LIVING-ROOM AS I TYPE! - Oh... Showered and dressed too... HAD to... One of "those" moments on the carsie... "Shitty day ahead"... no doubt. - 17.54 SPordically noting and trying to catch-up and all at once. But... that said... - Yonah's new "heater" arrived today... all nicely packaged and wrapped. It's "charming", but surely NOT worth the money. I tried plugging it in to see how "warm" it gets... Sad. That's all I'll say... "Sad". "Warm"? Slightly. It's NOT going to keep him any warmer than the radiator. But, we shall see how it works when the "NEED" arrives. He DOES respond to the reflection in it. But, as one "review" on Amazon put it: expensive mirror. Well? As I say... we'll see what it does when the "need" presents. - This morning? Well... it was another 11.30 departure. Many money orders. Much postage. On the meter (which I didn't put on the 1412 and I'm pretty sure I'm going to regret that tomorrow when I try to fix it). Oh well... In the "old days" I'd care. Not so much right now. I still have no access to things I need (e-mail?) so... and nobody else seems to give a shit... Well? My "shit box" is empty... I move along. Still, had a chat in the lot with Jeff and McFuknut... all nicey-nice. And Deb came along BRIEFLY... dropped some mail and dropped right out and away. Oh well... alas... oh well. But it was an OK Monday. And I mentioned the "permit" to John O. No particular "support" or "info". I'm second-guessing... the permit and the people in this commie-hole. - Other than that... YONAH HAS BEEN SO CLOSE TODAY! IT'S AMAZING! AND ALL OVER THE ROOM AS I'VE BEEN CATCHING-UP ON HIS JOURNAL! HE SEEMS TO BE FEELING GREAT! HIS POOPING IS QUITE FREQUENT, BUT I THINK THAT'S THE THISTLE. MAYBE HE'S FEELING BETTER! I HOPE THE PROBIOTICS HELP TOO! - Now... Evening meals are done. Cloudy skies. His UV light has been on from since about 15.30 or so... UV LIGHT! YAY! We'll do the waters... His sand is ready for the "triple bake". One more batch and it's ALL done and ready... (And then we have to wonder about the Winter months again but... ) - The house needs and over-haul... I'm too tired. It's too hot and humid. AND YONAH'S HOUSE IS DUE FOR AN OVER-HAUL TOO... 5 hours... I NEED to get out of work on time one day this week! - BUT HE'S IN A GOOD MOOD... AND THAT'S ALL I CARE ABOUT. - PAID THE VISA PO Box on the billing adress Yonah's new mirror arrived eveningmeals together tuck in at 1955 20.23 I'm EXHAUSTED!!! NOTES AGAIN! HOT AND HUMID TOO 21.31 Brits and ice cream done... off to the rack. One item... my bottom teeth are going "odd"... and there's one, of course, toward the front, on the left... the gum is receeding! One of these days... just one of these days... dentures... if I tought I'd be around a while, I would... but... it's all about Yonah these days.... Oh and not a word from Deb today... other than a quick drop-by the PO this morning... On a sshitlist again! I need to pay the debt!

Tue.23.Aug: 11.47 ANOTHER LATE DAY... BUT... 1412 balanced... covered yesterday's postage... ALL reports done at EOD! BUT... it appears that the majority of the hamlet are THRILLED I'm there so... - I JUST HATE THE TIME AWAY FROM MY LITTLE GUY. AND NOW I'M JUST GETTING TO SIT WITH HIM AND BACK TO HIS JOURNAL! (I'm not "thrilled" about this working thing... but...) - 2018 I am exhausted... and this house is a MESS! I've been working on Yonah's Journal for so long... and this one is completely behind for the entire month! Avery came at about 13.00 today... filled the tank to where I can't even see the needle ont he gauge! BUT... ONLY 19.1 GALLONS... AND I'M SHOWERING EVERY MORNING! THERE! THE DIFFERENCE IN ME WORKING AND NOT USING PO HOT WATER! I'VE BEEN RIGHT ALL ALONG! 63,41 FULL PRICE... 59,59 IN 10 DAYS! WHAT A DIFFERENCE! (Now to see what's coming that's going to completely FUCK ME... The electric, no doubt... they haven't called for a reading so... I've NO doubt it's going to be a WHAMMY... and I've been cleaning sand too so... But wait... no... I DID send a reading... on the 10th... so we shall see... the bill will probably come on Saturday... Anyway... Yonah is tucked-in, the house is still... Another day... and a couple of messages from Deb who's not feeling well... I'd sent a message this morning with suggestions for "Emetrol" for her stomach... and such for Julio... totally ignored. She's "THAT" sort... but then again, of course she is. I sometimes think she's LC's replacement. But I'm better at that now... Other than that... the entire day is Yonah.... We had some rain but not much. Not enough... I did manage to cook some chicken today too... though it was rather frozen and 3 hours at 375 in this oven cooked it but not to where I prefer. Edible... so, fine. OH... Ms. Qvt is complaining... she hadn't used her shower in a year and her spore got her a new hand-held and when she went to use it she says there's no hot water... but only in the shower! "I might have to call him." And she said that he told her that the "insulation" in this house is "air".... "A 6ft gap is considered insulation." he allegedly told her. Oh well... I cant care. 20.30 I hear rain drops... I HOPE SO... Even though the towel and under bottom and top I washed this morningare still damp. There's SO MUCH MORE CLEANING TO BE DOEN A ROUND HERE! AND YONAH HOUSE TOO! We'll do it... we shall indeed. I want to get him new trees... and some "Permethrin" to spray them with. THIS WEEK! For now... ice cream, Brit (if I can ifind one) and off to the rack. I'm DONE for the day! 2150

Wed.24 13.25 in at 8.50 out 11.30... no p hone (wiring in the office...) don't knows from Liztoon... (WeBats)... general fuckkup... ANd NOW... to my Babe's house-work! I'm EXHUSTED and gt a call from a "LEgal Server" for "William" somebody... "at your home or office"... "see ya soon". NO idea... and no time to say "wrong number"... apparently "I've been "served" or notified or what-ever... Good luck. I don't have any shits to give. - 20.56 DID IT! YONAH'S HOUSE IS CLEAN... ROOM HOOVERED... HOUSE HOOVERED TOO! Pc chicken bread and butter, oghurt meal... at about 19.00! - FedEx FUCKED AGAIN... DELIVERED YONAH'S BENE-BAC TO THE ONE NEXT DOOR... I WENT TO FETCH IT AND RAISED HELL WITH CHEWY AND POSTED TO TWATS TO FEDEX AND THEN DID ONE OF THE FEDEX SURVERYS AND WAS QUITE CANDID... "IMBECILE". FUCKING DONE WITH THIS BULL SHIT... ESP NOW THAT I'M USPS AGAIN! - ANYWAY, FINALLY DONE WITH ALL.... AND YONAHH'S LINENS ARE ON THE LINE FOR THE NIGHT. - I'M A SWEATING MESS... AND EXHAUSTED! - 2152 Need a shower... not bothering. YONAH'S HOUSE IS BACK TO CLEAN! Thu,25. 6.49 It was another night of ALL through the night... every HOUR... CONTRACTIONS... until 2.00 this morning when it was 2 hours... and then at 4.00... I FINALLLY managed to doze off until the 6.15 alarm which was closer to 6.00 and Yonah woke at 6.03 and my chest is heavy from fatigue... How charming. So we begin another day... and... AND...
What seems to be a 2nd run of a dream where, I had to change clothes from "work" to "casual", and was going to wear the "good" jeans (the one pair I actually have) and this time, I went to put them on and discovered that I'd literally SHAT in them... and that I'd intended to wash them, but hadn't and forgotten to (or something). And literally, there was an 'accumulation" of dried shit in them! I'm not sure when I'd had the dream the first time, really, but this time, in the dream, this was the 2nd time I'd intended to wear the jeans and thought "This is the 2nd time I've wanted to wear these and hadn't washed them. Now the shit is dried onto and into them... and in the dream, I thought 'I've had this dream before!' and I woke.
I wonder what THAT'S about... perhaps all the back-log I have for this journal this month? Or... work that I have't gotten done at the PO? I don't know... - Anyway... here we are at another day and I have to figure out how to get the "probiotics" ready for Yonah... so off we go... the morning is running away! - 15.47 FINALLY... I got to the kitchen... put ALL the trash out, mopped the floor! After, of course, a 30-minute nap today. I'm just not "here". - But I DID manage to get 3 little trees for Yonah's house today... and more twigs for him. And he appears to be a LOT better than he's been in recent weeks. Loving and flying and all the rest of the way he was before. Now, if only his feathers would come back... BUT he had his first "Bene-Bac" today too. So, for the next 3 days... "regular" (but ground) food. And we watch the poops. - Rita thinks Gordon had a stroke last night. Breaks my heart to think of the Little One "suffering" in any way. He's been a good cat... never gone after the birds at the feeder, and, to think, I don't like it, but he's come to the door and never tried to get in. I HOPE it's just something passing... and that HE'S NOT passing. - 21.25 SHOCK SHOCK SHOCK... ANOTHER PAY FROM THE USPS!!! I HAD NO IDEA! ORDERED 2 VIT.C FROM COSTCO, WENT TO USE THE TN DBT, TRANS 100 TO CQ AND BOOM! IMAGINE THAT! - And now... off to the rack for another night of Hell... no doubt. - Fri.26.Aug: 6.59 Woke to what I thought was the call from Yonah... after putting the 3 alarms off... I SO wanted to just stay in the bed this morning... at about 5.30 but that "call"... which proved to be in my mind... - Last night? I DON'T BELIEVE IT AND DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW... WAS ON THE RACK BY ABOUT 21.40, LIGHTS OUT... UP ONCE AT ABOUT 1.50 WITH THE SLIGHTEST CONTRACTION, LEFT FOOT ONLY... WENT TO THE LOO, WENT BACK ONTO THE RACK AND BACK TO SLEEP (or what-ever it is that I do/get of a night with-out being up and in pain). So, I suppose I can say that I "slept" last night. - This morning... RAIN... so no rolling into town for provisions... unless the rain stops and the road dries... I don't want to get the rusted muffler wet. But, there's no panic. - 16.57 MADE IT TO KINNEY'S AND MARKET... BUT...
Noodles... 3,19$ from 1,69... AND INSTEAD OF 16oz... NOW... 12! FUKKERS.
Frozen veggies? WERE 1,69.... then 1,99 TODAY... 2,29$ !!!!! GOVERNMENTS TRULY ARE TRYING TO KILL US!
(Oh... and we had a bit of a major down-pour... WITH THUNDER... still raining.)
Next door is digging... Gordon is almost non-responsive... and hasn't eaten or taken water since yesterday. It's breaking my heart... Mostly because it reminds me of Yonah's "mortality"... But, with Yonah... I'll be right behind him... in shortest order. - 21.20 And ANOTHER CALL FROM KEVIN... AFTER 14.00... I only just got it at about 18.50 or so. This is getting tedious... No e-mail. The office doesn't balance with the 1412. This and that and the other. I wonder: is it me... just being too sensitive to issues? (I wonder if it isn't something wrong with my thyroid.) - Meanwhile, Ms. Qvt has begin digging a little grave for Gordon... and it's breaking my heart. Well... tomorrow... more of that on-line bull-shit... almost done but... and THREE bloody hours in that box. Well... - Chewy refunded me for the Bene-bac. I'm amazed... Covers the permethrin I ordered today anyway... - And "Bibiness" is so quiet. Was going to crash in there tonight but... if I have contractions... best to be in another room. - Here's to tonight... and tomorrow... will be today when it arrives. - I didn't have time for a proper BM today... tonight will be... interesting. - The month of August is almost done... and SO FAR BEHIND! Thanks to the USPS... fuck. Sat.27.Aug: THE REFUND FROM THE BENE-BAC POSTED! Discovered that this morning. Was in at the office at about 8.15... Started to get the "mandatory" thing on-line done. Volume was light! Met a couple who were going too buy a house here but it fell through... SHE'S FROM WATERTOWN! Says she and the husband are living in Sacket's Harbor! Says it's beautiful, affordable, VERY comfortable living. Watertown is touristy... it gets quiet in Winter (of course) and she called it "Trumpy"! HEY! FOUND A PLACE! But it's 3,5 hours away... so... The truck first and then we get serious. Even though it's flat out there... but it's on Lake Ontario and the St. Lawrence. That's nice. I wonder if Yonah would like it. He was very wonderful today... Energetic. His feathers still aren't as they ought to be but it doesn't appear to bother him. I popped back into the house this morning at about 10.30 and saw him, from the back door, moving twigs from his house floor to the nest box. I MISS being in the house with him! Not to mention I'm tired and tired of this working at the PO again. But the day was QUICK! OH... AND YES, OF COURSE... TODAY I MANAGED TO GET EVERYTHING DONE PROPERLY (except the actual office count... and my spread sheet... fuckers... and spent a good 30 minutes on hold for support... shits!) and closed at 11.47... was finishing 1412 and reports when somebody came to the door and tried to get in... and mumbled something in anger and SCREECHED away. These people are fucking shits! Then again... it really is the same... no matter where or what business. Chat with next door... Gordon is still hanging in there and was a bit "responsive" today... it's heavy-on-the-heart, really... poor little guy. Had meals on time this evening. No yard... the sun is setting too bloody early... and it was "cool" too. But no Yardies. Sun.28.Aug: This morning, for the first time in SO LONG... just gave into the "draw" of a 10z. Nothing "HF" but it was a most-welcome relief. Odd that that notion isn't as prevalent as it used to be... but then, this month in partcular hasn't been conducive to such anyway. So... I also showered this morning! But then, put on the same clothes. Oh well... Bought a BOX of cutlebone and a little "moon globe" sort of night light for Yonah... Won't be here until the 1st week of Sept. but... I'm hoping he'll use the cuttlebone for his beak and the little light will be nicer for the late evenings when it's time for him to settle for the night... somemthing dimmer. Sunny day... almost caught up with the text on Yonah's Journal because that's all I've done all day. Managed 3 little naps but nothing worth the while. Honestly... that truly IS ALL I've done all day... Yonah's Journal... Oh... and prepped and baked the chicken from market on Friday(?). It's shameful... I can't remember when I went to market! Meals time came round SO QUICKLY and I'm jotting more notes at 19.13! Temp inthe room 27°. 31 for high tomorrow and Tuesday! SHIT! Oh well... SO tired again... and last night, up only twice... VERY briefly... loo runs. Didn't get out of bed until just past 6... so... almost 9 hours of "sleep" or what-ever. Wanted to get a new limb for Yonah but decided there's time for that... the Journal had to be done so, one of these days... off to tree-hunt. There's time. 20.15 More notes tonight. It's hot... tomorrow and Tuesday... 31° again! Tonight, it's just hot. But Yonah is tucked-in and I'm about to "close the day" here too... PO tomorrow morning. Odd, but where I used to so look forward to going to work as this "PMR"... how it's changed. But... let's just see how it screws me this Winter... for oil. THAT's my main concern... not to mention... Medicare/Aid... but I don't see me using that much... since it does shit-fuck-all for dental... which is what I DO need most. - Anyway... I'm tired... it's been a day. 2146 Mon.29.Aug: 5.37 Not sure why I'm up already... Now that it's PITCH DARK at this hour, Yonah will sleep-in a bit. But... here I am... Another day... and at my age... work. FUCK! - 6.55 And the day is rolling and Yonah is up and at the day... And me? Well... last night, that spot on the head with the tea tree oil... started to itch. Not sure if it woke me or if the contraction in the foot (only one, thankfully... and a quick trip to the loo and back to the rack) that woke me but, no matter, this morning, my throat's a bit on the "tight" side and the heart feels a bit on the "heavy" side. Interesting though, that I put 3 applications on yesterday and it took that many before the "body-wide reaction". The previous bottle hit hard right away. This bottle says it's pure tea tree oil, but like all things, I suppose, "pure" and "potency" and the likes will vary. - Anyway, let's hope the shower will help with the symptoms and the moving about in the PO this morning. - I wonder: is taking this "job" really to my benefit... ultimately? I'm now anxious over what it's going to do with the medical, the food, and even more-so... the heating fuel for the Winter! I've NO doubt that all the "associated" people have already been notified and now they're just waiting for me to send notice. Ah well... Hey! I'm still not certain that I'm going to keep working like this. For one thing, I'm still pissed-off about the "MS BS" and no, I'm NOT going to give them extra time to settle it all. The "Help Desk" is under-staffed... and there are too many problems that need to be addressed system-wide if I have to "hold" for 20 minutes. That's not my responsibility. I'm "on the clock" from 9.00 to shortly after 11.00 and that's that. Don't call me on this. Just fix it. Surely (even as Crystal has said) I'm NOT "the only one". - Anyway... we shall see how much longer my "toleration" lasts on this shit. (And I don't believe it: "toleration" is an accepted word on the lap-top! Botheration too! Spell-check goes Jamaica!) - OK... my heart's going "boom boom boom" and I ought to take a shit. Can't believe it's 7.04 already. But I wish I'd been and back from the PO already... NOT looking forward to another "Is all the mail out?" Fuktardz. - 12.25 MADE IT!!!! IN AND OUT OF THE PO... AND WAS BACK IN THE HOUSE BY ABUT 11.10!!! MADE IT! AND ON A MONDAY! - 19.35 Evening meal was meagre... but there it is. And I'm as tired as I can be... TIGHT in the throat and chest today too... Tea tree oil? Not at this juncture... though my scalp is itching so it might be residual... or... I'm completing 67 years of this shit-show... 5.32 tomorrow morning... Were it not for Yonah... Were it not for Yonah... who is looking better every day now... - It's MISERABLY HOT AND HUMID AGAIN... and tomorrow... work at the little shit-box... and I WILL be out of there on time! I've STILL got Journalling to do... THIS ONE, in particular... the ENTIRE MONTH! - 20.10 Yonah snuggled against my face tonight at tuck-in! I am TRULY TRULY SO BLESSED! - Flats in Sackets Harbour! And Cape Vincent! If I had the truck! Alwasys the IF... I'm tired of the "If only"! Really! Ice cream, Brit rack now... I'm tired and sweating. Tomorrow? Probably HELL. 2125 Tue.30 BIRTHDAY DAY 6.21 23° overcast... MY LITTLE HEART-AND-SOUL IS UP AND ABOUT... FROM 5.41! Odd... day-light only just breaking. And WOOHOOS ABOUND! 11.20 MADE IT! DON'T BELIEVE IT! IN THE DOOR AT 11.10! The entire day with Yonah.... HOT AND HUMID! This evening RAIN! POURED! AND WARNINGS OF "QUARTER-SIZED HAIL"! The hail fell in VT! Thankfully. Yonah was SO LOVING all day today... OUR DAY! BUT at about 20.30... the rains came back and the temperatured IMMEDIATELY DROPPED to a chill! POURED AGAIN for a while. The day came and went... I woke feeling so close to death... as the day went on felt better. Well? 67 years... Now... let's see if Yonah and I have another 3 years. 22.57 Got stuck playing on Twats with Gina and others... I'm going to regret this! But hey! Birthday! There won't be many more so may as well... Wed.31 31st 609 FUCKING TIRED! Too late last night too much ice cream tooo much too much... FUCKING TIRED! 11.17 BACK in at 11.09 BEAUTIFUL DAY... SUNNY... WORKING ON YONAH'S JOURNAL! I'LL NEVER GET CAUGHT UP AGAIN! FEELING... "OFF"... Pressure upper chest, general FATIGUE... but that seems to be my "life" now... then again... I AM trying to "compensate" for late night last night. Still... it's annoying. 16.06 Just throwing meal on... cool out there. SUNNY TOO... Maybe a good evening for Yonah int he yard? Gordon died... Monday... Rita said "It died on Monday"... "IT"???? WTAF? Suddenly "he" is an "it". I'll never understand. But she appears to be handling it, though she says "You don't see me crying in the living-room". I do suppose... I'd be the same... though... not with Yonah. And McFuknut took the wacker to the "trim" along the drive. I told him I have mowing in the sched. I just don't want to kill the grass in the dry and heat. (What-ever...) 9° TOMORROW NIGHT! 22.02 ************************************************************************************************************************ Thu.01.Sep: 6.06 Coffee done... Bed linens on the line... eggs berld... And NOW my chest is tightening, throat, closing... I was fine all the while but... Well then... AND... I could have SWORN that today is Wednesday! WTAF? The DATE? No prob. The DAY? WTF? Well then... interesting day to follow... And I MUST go to market, which means I MUST run the truck... FUCK... AND... if tonight it to be 9°, I MUST blow the ventilation for the furnace at some point... windows and doors open... fans on. OK. Now... my head's heading for the ceiling... so... 6.09... and my Little Guy is in his room... the door's closed, of course. So we'll see what HE has to say about the day. - Fucking Sepfuckingtember... already! -
6.18 Watching the mists rise off the mountains and climb into the early morning skies and into the clouds:
At night... when the bars close-down, Brandy walks through a silent town, and loves a man, who's not around. She still can hear him say...
and the words and melody still wrench my gut... Nobody ever knew.
13.17 MADE IT OUT OF THE BOX BY ABOUT 11.20 (mainenance showed-up to repair a "parcel locker" that's been busted for almost 3 years... morons... wanted to schmooze!) - In the door, kisses to Yonah, change clothes, grab tote, in the truck, off to market... Kinney's, market, baque for money for Dan for smokes... MADE IT MADE IT MADE IT! Back in... groceries up... down to the cellar... sweep webs, BRACE ANOTHER COLUMN (SHIT!!!), close it up for tonight's chill... up-stairs, open windows, run fans... RUN THE FURANCE to clear the system... and whilst... HOOVER THE HOUSE PROPERLY! MEAN-WHILE... THE BEDLINENS ARE ON THE LINE ALMOST DRY... NEXT, YONAH'S BLANKETS. I AM FCKIG IMPRESSED WITH ME! And I don't know why, how where but I have energy... though it's runningh out. BUT THERE WE ARE... FINALLY! I'VE DONE SOMETHING WITH THIS SHIT-BOX! AT LAST! - (I STILL HAVE ALL OF AUGUST ON HIS JOURNAL, TO DO AND AM SITLL WORKING O N YONAH'S THOUGH... BUT I SUPPOSE THIS MUCH IS PRETTY GOOD.) At least we'll have heat if it gets too cold tonight. -- 15.01 KITCHEN WINDOW SEALED! And furnace running a second time... doors and windows open. NOW I'm beginning to feel all the running around and not eating properly. But... WOW... and scrubs are washed... though they fell into the marigolds... no sign of dirt so they're on the line. I'M DONE! And then some. NEVER thought I'd get the window done... at least not today! - 20.02 The Dixie blanket and flannel are on the line for over-night... - I LITERALLY FELL ASLEEP SITITNG IN THE CHAIR AT THE WORK TABLE AFTER DESSERT (YOGHURT) THIS EVENING! 45 MINUTES, I BELIEVE! OUT! COLD! AND HAVEN'T FELT "RIGHT" SINCE... DRAINED, ALMOST PAINFULLY EXHAUSTED. AND LASTNIGHT, NO CONTRACTIONS, JUST ONE QUICK LOO TRIP. Too much in one day? Well... bed linens, marketing, banquing, cleaning the cellar, blowing out the furnace ducts... the kitchen window... the stress of the truck... managed meal at 17.00 and water relay after... and JUST before tucking Yonah in at 20.00 got the Dixie blanket and the flannel washed and on the line. Maybe too much too soon after so littlefor so long... AND THE FACT THAT THE STRESS OF AUGUST IS OVER? WHATEER... - House thermostat set to 65F but will be up higher before I get to the rack. 9° tonight! Yonah's curtains are closed again! But back to "regular"temps tomorrow so... One night. THANKFULLY 3/4 tank of oil! I MUST keep doing that... for aslong as I must... - For now... 20.07... ice bream (FRENCH VAN... 3 containers!) Brit, shower (quick) and RACK! - Tomorrow will be a bit of HELL... Friday... then Sat... CLOSED MONDAY... SONEXT TUES WILL BEUNADULATERATED HELL! I NEED A PROPER SLEEP... ONEDAY... SOONE! - 21.33 shpwered Fri.02.Sep: 6.09 FUCK ME! THE BILLS ARE PAID! AND THE FUCKING FURNACE IS RUNNING !!! AND FRANKLY... I'M HAVING ANOTHER **** EPISODIC ***** MORNING AND DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT THERE REALLY IS SOMETHING WRONG... WITH ME... AND I START THE DAY ANGRY, PISSED-OFF, READY TO RIP THE WORLD APART BECAUSE... PEOPLE WHO CALL THEMSELVES "MEDICS", "DOCTORS"... BETWEEN PHAIRIE-PRINCES AND USELESS-IN-ETOWN... THE FUCKERS... REALLY. - Oh well... bills are paid, for all that matters. FUCK! - 1958 Got some paper-work together.. mostly pssied the day away. I'm STILL not feeling "well" but better. Just still can't focus on the juornals and they're falling SO far behind... Ordered a heating pad (for Yonah's house... shouldbe fun truing THAT in Winter) and compression sox for the night for me... Read that they help with apnea. Well... try it! Who knows... I want them for the contractions! GoldBond poweder too... Walmarde. AND... 2 PAIRS OF CARRIER SLACKS... 33 waist 25 iseam... I hope. 110 fucking dollars! Oh well... - Played with my taxes for 2022... hopefully won't have to file... but now to wonder about FS and Medicare/Aid.. we shall see... if it doesn't work out... I quit... easy peasy. - Now... SO FUCKING tired... icecream brit rack... Done with this day! - TOmorrow... FUCK ME... THREE HOURS! DAMIT! - 20.55 done! sat03 603 tried sleeping with the calf-high socks last night... i think i slept, save for one fooot contraction. anyway, here we are... another saturday 17.52 Well, I managed to get out of the shit-box by noon! YAY! And it was surprisingly rather calm... though Tuesday will be living Hell... - And I've been "episodic" for the rest of the day. I don't understand it, but I'm also a touch constipated... "Colon"? Possibly. But it's "concerning". Although, Dan came up and we gabbed more siding out of the garage for him and I visited a while and HE'S GOING THROUGH VERY SIMILAR... THE FATIGUE... DEBILITATING! 4-5 "NAPS" A DAY! And the legs too. I have to wonder. And we're almost the same age. I think he's mere months older than I. I wonder. - Of course, THIS journal going on TWO MONTHS BEHIND... and Yonah's being behind... and photos/videos... I'm just grateful that there are 2 days coming where I've NOTHING ELSE to do... and I'll be working on the Journals! - Speaking on my Precious Little Guy... HE'S BEEN SO AFFECTIONATE THESE DAYS! JUST A MAJOR DIVINE BLESSING OF THE HIGHEST ORDER! WITH-OUT HIM, I'D JUST SHOVE ALL THE THIS AND "TAKE LEAVE". HE TRULY AND FACTUALLY IS MY ONLY REASON FOR NEXT BREATH, NEXT HEART-BEAT. MY LOVE !!! -
NOW... THEN... HERE... THAT ONE NEXT DOOR HAS "GUESTS"... MOST LIKELY FOR THE DURATION OF THIS WEEK-END... CAR PARKED ON THE GRASS BY THE LITTLE SHED, UNDER THE MAPLE... AND NEVER MIND THAT... THERE'S A HOUSE-SIZED TENT PITCHED IN THE YARD! A FUCKING HOUSE-SIZED TENT !!! I AM NOW, AT THIS MOMENT, SICK WITH ANXIETY... BANGING ABOUT... ON THE WALLS, ON THE FLOORS... THE FUCKING MAYHEM... AND YONAH... PROBABLY NEEDING TO BE MOVED... TO THE BED-ROOM... AND ME TAKING THE FUTON? WELL... WE SHALL SEE... INDEED. AND SHOULD THAT BE THE CASE? *** HELL *** WILL RISE IN NEW RUSSIA! And if there are repercussions? Well... There will go their post office... I'll be OUT! I'M SICK WITH WORRY... JUST SICK... NOT FOR ME... BUT MOVING YONAH? AFTER ALL THE SHIT IN AUGUST? AND HIM HAVING TO ADJUST TO ME BEING AWAY EVERY MORNING? YEAH.... HELL...
Also... the traffic on the Hill... MASSIVE CAMPERS, BEING DRAGGED BY PICK-UP TRUCKS, THE STENCH OF BURNING BRAKES AS THEY TRY TO COME DOWN THE HILL... AND THEN PAUSE OUT-SIDE THE BED-ROOM WINDOWS! THIS PLACE HAS GONE TO SHIT! - Well... the day is done, evening meals too... It's 17° in Yonah's room... I'm NOT looking forward to ANY of this! - The week-end forecast is for rain... good for me and not mowing... but if those THINGS next door are locked in the house... Here we go! (Watch... they'll be over there getting stoned... fucking "Vermonters".) - OK... moving on... time to get to the evening routine and doing my best to BE calm... so I don't shake Yonah up... - 20.01 Just waiting for Yonah to "settle-in" for the night. All else is "settled"... as far as I'm concerned. And I'll be in HIS room tonight... and very soon now... in fact, I'm going to have my ice cream now... and head for his futon immediately after. NO ALARM for tomorrow! NONE! And just the hope that between the high socks and NO fucking wall-banging next door... we BOTH have a PEACEFUL, QUIET, RESTFUL NIGHT'S SLEEP TONIGHT! (Oh... how I dread... I just dread.) - 21.06 The chatting out-side the kitchen window... at this hour. Thwacking the screen door. And I'd swear they're smoking "?" out there too. I'm done... Sun.04.Sep: 630! dream getting water in plastic ocntainers but instead of getting to where i usually went ie undergrond,m through all sorts of tunnrels, i was abbove ground with shops ans tores and people. And in the subway tunnel, i had to t up to the surface and through a turnstile. left the plastic contianers on the way.... was on a trian or in some sort of bus.... which was then a room and i was stanidngh waiting hto get off at the next stop with a sleeping bag, canvass and eom plastic conttainers for water.. Next thing, Im in a barn, like the back barn at 5225 and I HAD to PEE so I was stanidng with on leg raised and peeing hso strongly and the old man cam by and all he et saying was "beutiful, just beautiful" whichi he kep repeaing as he watchesd me peeing and then "I can suympathise with you on this" (havingh to pee right there in the barn) and then "beautiful just beautiful" and I was ondering hif he was talking baout th peeing or looking at my croths.... I woke... looked at the closk... 6.30 20.01 Worked on Yonah's August Journal TEXT ON-LINE! Now working on the photos and embellishments MY August is still NOT even TOUCHED "OFF" all day... Tea tree? I slept well last night wonder if it's the higher socks can't wait to try real compression socks HOPE they work! COngested thgough and slightly nauseated all day rained and was cloudy and damp all day The circus tent and tenants left around noon I think they took the thing next door with Well? No mowing... tent... rain... oh well... fukkit Rain in forecast for tomorrow... I HOPE! I have MUCH work to be done in the house (Journals, nails, hair) ]21.15 teeth and futon!

Mon.05.Sep: 4.50 Slept SO WELL with Yonah, last night. Up only once for a loo run, came back, got onto the futon and went right back to sleep... Woke, on my own, feeling "refreshed" at about 4.00 and laid there until 4.20 and decided that, since I was up on my own and had gone right to sleep last night, I'd get up and get the day started. All I can think of is: "back to the city hours at last"! Oh, it would be nice if I could hold these hours... really. I doubt I will though. But for today, at least it's nice... in spite of it being over-cast, damp and CHILLY! I'm Almost tempted to put the furnace up, just to get rid of the damp-chill. But, no sense using all that oil now... The days when it'll be NECESSARY aren't all that far away and I've NO idea how much (if any at all) I'll be getting this year, from HEAP. Between working income and the rising costs, I have the dread feeling that things are going to get even MORE difficult... especially when the weather turns horrid. Oh well... Never let it be said that anything will ever be "calm"... for any length of time. - For now... coffee and off to catching-up with Yonah's Journal... and THEN... MAYBE... THIS ONE! I STILL have to get ALL of August in... from the notes... ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE 1st... All that bloody "Albany bull-shit". Fuck... this PO job is proving more a pain than much else. Thankfully, I might be able to use "health issues" as an "out"... if it should come to that... and it just might. - 8.55 and up from another nap... 30 minutes. - I'd gone back to the futon for a couple of moments this morning, before Yonah woke. And as I laid there, I heard the slightest "HOO"s from him. But I laid there waiting until... 6.38 and he woke. So that's when I finally woke up too. And we got to the business of the morning. All seemed to be going rather well, and I had the energy and the notion to get some more washing done, in spite of the forecast being for nothing but drizzle all day (which it's doing even now, as I type this). BUT... I'm just feeling generally "ick" now... Sinuses, sneezing, fatigued, running-down. Almost as if all the fatigue and anxieties from August are finally grabbing hold. My head is "floating about some-where", my body just feels like it wants to shut-down and go back to sleep. Throat's a bit tight. And I can't seem to have a proper shit! This time, at this point, it can't be the tea tree oil. And I almost put more on my scalp this morning. Glad I didn't. - Oh well... time to get moving along. The desk lamp is on. Bird-songs... I'll have to try the radio, though I don't know if/what music I really want to hear. - Yonah is watching me from the little shelf on the work table... he's been doing that a lot for the past couple of days. HEY! At least we've have TWO days together! I dread tomorrow... for so many reasons... MOST of all... because of not being with Yonah... (and being out of the house... and dealing with the fukerie I KNOW will be splattered all over the place... "Is the mail in?" "Is the mail out?" "I was expecting..." Fuck. WHY have I put me in this position again? Well... if it gets bad... I simply leave the keys, lock the door and walk away. There's always that. - 11.08 Deborah came by at about 9.25 this morning... came and went and here and gone. I wonder... I really do. But I do wish she wouldn't be leaving things. I'm still trying to figure out how to re-pay her all the money that I feel I owe her. Not that she "needs" it, I'm sure. But I'm not a "charity" and won't be treated as such. Anyway, I managed to get to the door to find a bag... 4 peaches and another article from The Times... on Little Ones in little businesses in The City. The article was SO delightful to read. Especially the bit about a "rescued pigeon", and a white dove... Both are seen as "family" to the store owners and the customers. The pigeon is a beautiful account of somebody taking in a pigeon that couldn't fly... The dove though, got me crying. It's a white dove, a domestic dove, raised to be released at weddings. This one was discovered injured, taken in and has become part of the heart of his/her human. But it's mentioned in the blurb that s/he would die if put out. Just as Yonah now. But it's nice to read that SOME people still CARE! - Not to mention that, the "Wants" were included in the pages and I started reading them... and as I read, I was back to the days when I read them as a matter of course... daily. AND I CAUGHT MYSELF FOLDING THE PAPER AS I USED TO... ON THE SUBWAY AND BUSSES. IT JUST HAPPENED AS A MATTER OF COURSE, THOUGHTLESSLY! IMAGINE? "THE CITY" IS STILL "IN HERE"... SOME-WHERE! - But, I'm only on the 2nd Sept. on Yonah's Journal and it's 11.15 and I NEED to get a nap in again! I've had half glass of prune juice, hoping that I can "flush" what-ever is making me so tired. I don't want to nap but... - And Yonah's been so active again, this morning! AND HE'S EATEN HIS BENE-BAC ALREADY! YAY! - 21,8° in his room and I'm cold... Tired and cold... I hope a good shit will help... - 16.45 I AM JUST GETTING TO TODAY ON YONAH'S JOURNAL... AND WHEN I'VE COMPLETED THAT... HIS JOURNAL IS TO-DATE AGAIN! NEXT? IMAGES! BUT WHAT A RELIEF! AT LEAST IT DIDN'T TAKE ME A MONTH TO CATCH-UP WITH A MONTH... Now to see how I'll catch-up with THIS Journal! But... one at a time... Images for Yonah first! - I can't believe how fast this day went by... and it's been grey, damp, chilly, raining... ALL DAY! And how I'm dreading tomorrow... "work". BUT truth is... I don't HAVE to do that PO... so, the plan is to do the best and to Hell with the rest. - I DID TAKE A PRUNE JUICE AT ABOUT 11.00 THIS MORNING AT AT ABOUT 13.00... IT HIT! AND, I HAVE TO SAY... I'M NOT AT 100% BUT IT MADE A NOTICEABLE DIFFERENCE! I wonder WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON WITH ME! Intestinal? Colon? What-ever... at least the shit has worked to improve things. - 20.17 YONAH'S JOURNAL TEXT IS COMPLETE... AND ON THE SERVERS UP TO TONIGHT! AT LAST!!!! - AND I'm sick with fatigue. - 21.38 To bed tonight not Yonah;s futon. Let's see if I actually get ANY sleep.... HAH! - Looking for the average weight of a mourning dove, today, (110-140g and Yonah is 114!) happened upon a mention that the oldest living male ever recorded was THIRTY years! Imagine? AND he was banded... AND he was SHOT! WHAT a fucking useless world. Meanwhile... imagine... Yonah and I for another 28 years. I'll be 95 by then! (It's seriously doubtful for either or both of us... another 28 years, but, imagine it!) - Closing thought: I'd done a screen-cap of the "30 year" reference and posted it off to Deborah who came back with "I never knew they were hunted!" Oh yes? Never knew? (a) I've said so, more times than I can recall and even said to YOU. (b) It's on the very 2nd page on Yonah's web-site... you know... web-site... the one you said is so wonderful! - So there we have it. More bull-shit and fuckerie. But then again... From CT, married PR, ran away as a youth to SA, probably most likely has some "White Guilt" in there too. There's a limit... I believe I've reached it... now that it's come to blatant lying and disregard. - Tomorrow is another day... and I need to see what I can salvage of this Journal here... from August. (Oh, to just escape August!)

Tue.06.Sep: 4.42 up at about 4.00... on my own so I'm up here now. - 5.07 Coffee made and done. Even cleaned and re-filled the hummie-feeder.- I must have slept last night because I don't recall waking. Looks like these "crew socks" are helping... for now, until this body adjusts and tolerates and... we go back to the way things were. Although, with the heaviness in the chest, again, this morning. Now to see if I'll manage to stay awake long enough to get to work and back again. And I'm almost dreading what it's going to be like in that little shit-box... with the holiday yesterday. AND THIS is the beginning of the "holidays"... FUCK! October is "Columbus/Thanksgiving"... November is "Thanksgiving"... December, Christmas... January, New Year... And me... my throat is closing even as I type. - Oh well... no sense wasting all this time here. - In about an hour, my little HEART-AND-SOUL will be woo-HOO'ing! THEN the day will start to roll! LOVE LOVE LOVE! - 7.28 WELL THEN... Fresh nectar in the hummie-feeder, the damned squirrel cleaned-out the peanuts and sun-flower seeds in the bird feeder (damnit!). My little Heart-and-Soul is up and about and me? Well... I'm ready for a snooze... mostly because I CAN have one! How strange to have so much accomplished already... INCLUDING having paid this month's bills... including the loan! - But it's raining... chilly... damp... dreary. - OH, LAST NIGHT, BEFORE HEADING TO THE RACK, I FLIPPED THE FURNACE ON... AND IT STARTED RUNNING IMMEDIATELY! NOT SURE IF IT RAN DURING THE NIGHT, WASN'T RUNNING WHEN I WOKE BUT... I FLIPPED IT BACK OFF THIS MORNING... AND WILL RUN IT AGAIN, TONIGHT BECAUSE WE'RE DUE ANOTHER CHILLY ONE. It's time to get serious about warming Yonah's room through the nights... already. - And... as the day comes in ... THE BLOODY TRUCKS AND FUCKING CAMPERS ARE RUNNING ABOUT OUT THERE ALREADY! KRISTE! I so want out of here and away from here and off to a place where there's silence... especially through the night and early morning! - Oh well... the chest and throat are tightening. Good thing I'm in an "apathetic" mood this morning... "work" will be "dull"... because of it. FUKKIT! - 19.44 I MADE IT! MADE IT THROUGH THE FIRST DAY AFTER A HOLIDAY WEEK-END! IT REALLY WASN'T AS BAD AS I'D EXPECTED, AND I MANAGED TO GET *ALL* THE WORK DONE... MAIL DELIVERED... EVEN THE PARCELS AND WAS OUT OF THE SHIT-BOX BY SHORTLY AFTER 11.00! THE CLOCK ON THE OVEN READ "11.11" WHEN I GOT INTO THE HOUSE! I AM AMAZED! REALLY! I AM AMAZED! Thankfully, none of the dolts came in at the last moment for any sort of bull-shit and they really didn't come in to "visit". - One thing though: of course, because she pays NO mind to the words of others (typical), Deborah came by this morning, dropped a letter and a little bag of zucchini bread, even after I'd expressed that she shouldn't. (This evening, she sent an e-mail and in it, mentioned that her Nancy's daughter has "covid" and that she hopes SHE doesn't get it. Honestly! Now, let's see if she continues to show up with "stuff"... let alone, goes out and about. I recommended vits. C & D in my reply... never mind.) - AND PARCELS... FOR ME, TODAY... AND FOR YONAH! For me, the "compression socks" and "Gold Bond" and the HEATING PAD arrived! I was going to try the heating pad for Yonah but it's really too large. I might order the smaller one with next month's "allotment" but I'm thinking of a thing called a "Sweeter Heater" for him. (I'm just leery about "infrared" heating... and am SERIOUSLY looking into it. The claims are that it's safe... I don't know... but it's VERY popular with poultry breeders and even recommended for livestock and pets. Again... we'll see. For now, there's the house furnace.) - AND... this evening... YONAH'S CUTTLEBONES ARRIVED! SOME OF THEM ARE HUGE! AND THEY SMELL "FISHY". But they look fresh and clean. AND when I tried holding one in front of Yonah, he went right for it! Pecking and such! So, I'm hoping he'll continue pecking at it! Keep his beak trimmed! Next "project"... I'm thinking of a "hanging" sort of thing that will suspend from his "roof/ceiling" and twirl. Maybe he'll have an interest in pecking at that! Oh... we keep trying. - AND HIS "MOON LIGHT GLOBE" ARRIVED TODAY TOO! It really is quite cute and does give just the right amount of light in his room. The "remote" is cheapest shit though, but then... "China"... fuckers. Still, I'm thinking of getting another one for the bed-room. Nice little light for getting ready for the rack, of an evening. - In other "news"... the GUINEA HENS WERE RUNNING AMOK HERE, TODAY! THEY'D COME DOWN FROM THE HILL AND WERE AT CLIFF'S YARD ALL DAY AND IN FRONT OF THE BRADYS' TOO! AND AT ONE POINT, THEY ACTUALLY CHASED THE BRADYS' CAT! I LAUGHED! 9 GUINEA HENS CACKLING AND RUNNING TOWARD THE CAT AND THE CAT MOVING STEADILY AWAY! Oh, the things you see! I rang John A. to let him know that they're here... left a message on his phone. Funny how I found his number on-line. (I miss the actual "Phone Book"!) - Now, I'm just hoping that the thing next door settles-down for the night. It waited until almost 19.00 before it started bumping and such about. It really DOES bring back "haKalbah"... I tell you! - Hoping to get to rack by 21.00 or 21.30 again. Had one snooze today. I like being up at 4.30! - AND... I got the SLIDES for Yonah's site done... finished July... ALL of August and began September! Have to do the videos, and the monthly pages... then add photos to the August Journal... and then...? THIS ONE! THIS ONE IS SO FAR BEHIND! - It was a horrific day though, today, with the pain in the chest and throat. THAT didn't stop until well after evening meal! I DO wonder what the actual fuck it is... and now... with the potential of 20-30 years with my Little Heart-and-Soul... I NEED to get the truck fixed... take a run to Albany... drop into the ER there and see what they have to say. It'll be at last 6 hours, 4 driving, 2 in the ER, but... at least the chances of seeing a "DOCTOR" are a bit better there. (Even Amy commented on CVPH today... She had to go to the ER there and she says it was HORRIFIC! These morons here... the "UVM" bull-shit!) - Well... on to Yonah's journal, ice cream, Brit... rack. I hope. - 21.33 Close to the "Old City Hour"... Let's see how the night goes... 4.30 tomorrow?

Wed.07.Sep: 5.46 Well, the "compression socks" didn't make sleeping any better. And this morning I feel really horrible... the chest, the throat, first thing in the morning. Not that it'll make much difference immediately, but let's see about getting the cigarettes out of the day. I've been smoking TOO TOO TOO much again, as I say, not that it makes any difference at this juncture, with the "emphysema" that can't be reversed, treated or cured. BUT there's a little something that keeps going through my mind:
Yonah COULD be around for another 5-10 years or more... and I really just can't stand the notion of somebody else ignoring or abandoning him, or neglecting him in any way! So? I need to do the things I need to do to make sure that I can do them for a LONG time. Oddly, it was easier stopping the drinking... then again, I didn't really start that at the age of 7 so... What-ever. This has nothing to do with "compression socks". But I really DO feel quite shitty this morning and something gets done about it as of now. - Moving along... my fingers are cracking for some reason. And I've got the damned shit-box this morning. Oh well... let's hope for a quick 2 hours. (HAH! FUkkem!) - 14.13 STILL had to work on Yonah's journal entry for yesterday, and AS THE SUN-SHINE IS FINALLY BREAKING THROUGH! WHAT A MOST-WELCOME SIGHT... SUN-LIGHT COMING IN THROUGH THE WINDOW. - As for this morning? Well... had a charming chat with Margaret... about "the old days" and then new days of the computers in the PO. And I got to "mention" that I have such limited access to the computer in this shit-box and nobody wants to bother about it. AND I asked her about the "short"... and she said "You just keep a note of when you discussed it with Crystal. Keep your records as strictly as you can so that if you're ever audited, you have everything to back it up." (Yeah... I'm going to have to get a printer now... so that I can keep MY count sheets on record... I want a printer, but NOT for that place! FUCK! AND I WILL NOT PUT MY MONEY INTO THAT PLACE! And to that end...) A woman came in, in the last minutes, of course, after everything was current and I was rolling change and keeping-up with the day... and she wanted a "manilla envelope". We don't have anything other than the padded and not many of those... AND WHEN I TOOK THE OFFICE, CRYSTAL SAID THEY HAVE THE PRICE ON THEM... NO THEY DO NOT... NOT ALL OF THEM! BUT I MANAGED TO FIND ONE THAT DID... AND SO... THERE'S ANOTHER 1,98 TOWARD THE "SHORT" ON THE 1412... I JUST HAVE TO RE-DO THE "COUNT SHEET" HERE SO THAT I CAN GET IT PRINTED, RECORDED AND FILED! FUCK. - THEN, OF COURSE, MADAME CUSTOMER DIDN'T LEAVE UNTIL ALMOST 11.10 SO I WAS LATER THAN I'D WANTED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. BUT... still... it wasn't bad... My new "apathy approach" is helping me roll through the day... and I'm keeping it that way... I go in, I get the mail done... move on to the "reports" and OUT! Done deal. - This after-noon, I've had another dose of prune juice and it's taking its time getting through. So... I'm off and back to Yonah's web-site... I still have photo pages, videos and Journal images to work! - Oh... and the "discomfort" in the chest and head and throat is... well... for a while, again, today, I'd swear that, all I need do these days is simply "give up" and I'd be "checked out" in no time. Fucking aggravates me that I don't have a REAL DOCTOR and chances of finding one are... well... these days? NIL! - And oh yeah... those "compression socks"? Did fukkall. I was up again, several times, last night... contractions. So? We tried... next! - 20.21 Well... the new "moon light" is resting on Yonah's roof-top. That "remote" is about as useless as any shit from China, but the little "globe" is casting a delightful light... and I'm about to-the-moment with HIS Journal (and this one gets more out of hand every day!) Harmony and Segei came to inquire about the guinea hens this afternoon... took my numner I have theirs. Guinea hens are AMAZING little creatures! I learned SO much about them (on my own, of course) today! I offierred to "pen" them in the back if I see them. "Harmony" was most grateful. Also showed her the old signs and she confirmed the Russian is correct. I related the story of why they're gone. She appeared almost offended... Good... wait til I start naming names! Told her I want the "Novorossiya" flag... she chuckled and said "There, you might have a bit of trouble." I asked who would know and she smiled. I need to get one! The rest of the day is on Yonah's journal. THis eening, my chest feels a touch on fire and it was a se=omewhat difficult day, breathing-wise. I MUST STOP THE SMOKING... THE IRRITATION... MUST... FOR YONAH... WHO MIGHT BE AROUND ANOTHER 28 YEARS! WELL... Time for ice cream, brit and rack. Tomorrow (?) and/or Friday... BAKE BREAD COOK CHICKEN MOW THE LAWN GET TO MARKET MAKE A WASH! IT'S TIME TO GET A ROUTINE... AND BACK TO THE OLD ROUTINE... AND SOON... TO THE DUMP AGAIN! (right now... I'm exhausted) 20.44 Yonah's pages and photos and videos are on the server! Now I have to work on the video page(s) and images on his Journal and HE'S CURRENT. (And I'm still messed.) 21.25 Off to the rack... and my chest is TIghT tonight. Yeah... I NEED Seriously... to get the smoking GONE!

Thu.08.Sep: 4.58 Last night? Up thrice... loo runs. Quick. Nothing much. This morning? Woke, of my own, about, maybe half-hour ago. SUDDEN MASSIVE SHARP PAIN IN THE LEFT GROIN! And then it went away... But I felt as "rested" as I think I can so... I got up... put the kettle on, filled the basins. Coffee's made. In one basin, a shirt and under things. In the other, 2 jeans. Catch-up. - And now, mean-while, it feels as though my heart is "fluttering", my chest... though there's NO wheezing, rails or other-wise, feels "coated", some-how. I can "notice" a "lack of oxygen" again, this morning. And as I say, I'm not congested. Just a touch "episodic" and "not well". I REALLY MUST CUT ***** WAY ***** DOWN/BACK ON THE SMOKING OR CUT IT OUT ALTOGETHER! And if not altogether, probably cut out these "Indian" cigarettes which I'm rather pretty much sure aren't the best thing to be inhaling. - That said... time to get back to Yonah's web-site... and at least ONE part of existence "back to normal" - (And I still have bread to make, chicken to bake... marketing to do... ought to stop at the banque for change for the shit-box... Imagine this... "RESPONSIBILITIES"! Things to do, places to go. Farewell "retirement"... and now that I'm back to a LITTLE JOB... YOU JUST WATCH AND SEE... I'LL HAVE TO GET A FULL-TIME TO MAKE UP FOR THE EVERYTHING ELSE I'LL BE LOOSING LIKE FOOD, FUEL AND HEALTH CARE. OH... JUST FUCK THIS WORLD. - But my uniform trousers should be on the way at last. - 6.02 Refund from Amazon posted to the a/c. - Washing on the line. - I'm exhausted and ready for a nap now. - Baking/cooking to be done. Marketing, banquing too. Let's see what we get done... - And my chest feels no better, and now it's in the right shoulder. One of these days (Alice)... One of these days. - 16.20 MADE IT!!! In and out of the shit-box... In the big-shit box by 11.10! THEN... OFF TO THE BANQUE *** FOR CHANGE AND TO COVER THE BLOODY-FUCKING SHORT ON THE DRAWER *** FUCKING JOB IS COSTING ME ALREADY... ABOUT 18$! THAT'S MORE THAN AN HOUR'S WAGE! BUT... THEY WON'T BE ACCUSING *ME* OF ANY SORT OF THEFT! FUKKEMALL! Next... Market which was mostly for ice cream but I made a trip of it. AND BACK... and the truck MADE IT! One MORE trip on the truck! - *** BUT THIS MORNING, AS AMY AND I WERE SORTING TODAY'S MAIL... DEBORAH WALTZES IN AND LEAVES A CONTAINER... AT THE RETAIL WINDOW! I LOST IT! TOLD HER TO GET IT OUT OF THE POST OFFICE! HONESTLY? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IN THE WORLD? AND SHE SAYS "NOBODY'S HERE." AMY STANDING RIGHT THERE! AFTER I *ASKED* HER *NOT* TO LEAVE THINGS THERE! SO... BLOWS ME OFF AND PUTS ME IN A POTENTIAL SITUATION WHERE IT LOOKS LIKE I'M RECEIVING GIFTS! I WAS LIVID! SHAKING! BAD ENOUGH MY CHEST IS OFF TODAY... I DIDN'T NEED THAT SHIT! I've decided to let it ride unless SHE approaches it, in which case... Until I pay her off, I have to be "civil"... as much as possible/necessary. But... I've had it... SHE'S ANOTHER LC! FOR FUX ACHE! - OK... that said and done... there's bread in the oven with chicken. AND on the hob... a black-eye peas, noodles and veggies mix. I'm COOKIN'! And I'm not believing it! - I'm SO bloody tired! But... we move along. - And the sun shone today too! (25,4° in Yonah's room.) - Mowing? Perhaps tomorrow... SHOULD have gone to the dump today... oh well... never mind. - And Yonah's been SUCH THE LOVE TODAY! In fact, he's moved ALL of his twigs from the nest box to the loft! AND I got him MORE twigs today! - Got the book-keeping done too. So I still have to get back to Yonah's site AND THIS JOURNAL... It will NEVER catch-up! - 2047

Fri.09.Sep: 16.05 Horrid night on the rack. Up at 4.00, stayed in... until 5.30. Fukkit! Yonah up at 6.45!!! Managed to get through the shit-box on time! In for 45 min snooze MOWED the lawn! Hoovered the house. Meal on now... NEED A SHOWER! 26° in Yonah's room! 20.33 HAIR CUT AND SHOWERED! AT LAST! AND LATE, BUT... Now let's see if the new pants come tomorrow AND IF they fit PROPERLY! Slightly "painful" in the chest now... left side... up toward the shoulder, almost, front. Always somehting. Gee... I R EALLY must have pissed Deborah off. Oh well. Tomorrow... BALANCE THE 1412! ATLAST! (Now to get a printer... FUCK!) 21.40

Sat.10.Sep: 5.56 Woke... "refreshed"... fuck me to be sure... after a night of NOT EVEN ONCE FOR THE LOO! Three alarms, turned them off, snoozed the third and got out of the rack and right to the morning... I don't like this... getting up, after a night of no pains... Something's lurking... and I'm about to be thrust into some Hell. But, for this morning, for the moment.... for the moment. - Just get me into that office to BALANCE the damned 1412! (And then let the idiots figure it all out... AND I WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANOTHERFUCKING FALSE EMBEZZLEMENT "CITATION"... PRE OR POST "HUMUSLY" as it were. - 6.00 ah... here comes a bit of a pain... right shoulder-blade. Sharp. Oh good. Yes, I'm still in "life", on Earth, right here... and awake. Returning to "normal". - 12.24 I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS... I NEED TO TO A RE-RE-RE-COUNT OF THE DRAWER BECAUSE THIS MORNING, I HAD A HELL OF A TIME MAKING THE DEPOSIT AND WITH THE RE-CALC... AFTER ADDING THE MISSING FUNDS AND TRYING TO "BALANCE" STOCK (though I used stamps and need to re-count those now).... MY SHEET SHOWS A SHORT OF JUST OVER 25$ - FUCK ME! - AND... MY PANTS ARRIVED TODAY... AND THE 33IN WAIST IS TIGHT! FUCK ME! WHAT? HOW!? - Anyway... the day's over and done and so too, am I. Monday... fuck the rest. - 17.36 Meal is DONE... even the washing-up and it's time to head out to the sun-shine for my Little Guy! And I'm exhausted... but because....
I MADE A DEPOSIT TODAY AND THE FUCKING BOOKS ARE SHORT AGAIN! I JUST PUT IN ALMOST 40$, THEY WERE FINE THIS MORNING... I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT! I JUST DON'T! AND I CAN'T KEEP PUTTING CASH INTO THAT SHIT-BOX! I'm SO tempted to sneak in tomorrow and re-count EVERYTHING! I started to do that this morning, but got carried away... FUCK! - 21.46

Sun.11.Sep: 16.44 I didn't realise that I hadn't jotted ANY notes or ANY-thing here for today! WOW! And too think... I STILL HAVE TO GET BACK TO AUGUST! - Anyway... last night, 2 minor trips to the loo... because of being awakened by 2 minor episodes of contractions. And I was up at 6.00 (on the stove clock). I was FINE, as long as I laid in the bed, but, with-in seconds after getting up... the "pressure in the chest" and the "spinning head set in... AND IT'S BEEN THAT WAY ALL BLOODY FUCKING DAY! JUST MISERABLE! OPPRESSIVE! AND THIS "DOUBLE VISION" DOESN'T HELP ANYTHING AT ALL! THAT TOO, MAKES ME TIRED! AND TWO NAPS... I MEAN, I WONDER, OFTEN: COULD I JUST NAP MOST OF THE DAY AWAY IF I ALLOWED ME TO? THIS IS JUST SHIT! I HAVE TO ATTEND TO THIS SHIT! SOON! I DREAD WHAT I'LL HAVE TO ENDURE, BUT... IF IT CAN BE DONE IN ONE DAY APPOINTMENTS... BEFORE IT GETS ANY WORSE... I MUST MUST MUST! THIS CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS ANY MORE! THIS ISN'T JUST "GETTING OLD"! THIS IS SHIT! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON HERE! FUCK! - I was SO tempted to pop over to the PO today to do a count but... I'll do it in the morning. Get there a little earlier... and HOPE Amy isn't "efficient" and gives me time to do a proper count... on bloody paper, of course. I OUGHT to bring the lap-top over and do it but... I have to get a printer now...... along with SO MANY OTHER THINGS! - 18.55 It's strange out there now... Brady had the 2 old pins in from of their house cut down this morning. It's so "empty" now... And what a shame too... I can't help but remember that those trees are where the hummies would hang-out, watching for me to hang the feeders when I put them on the front porch. And I HAVE to wonder if there weren't any little nests or "hiding places" in those branches. Marshall was there, cutting and chipping at 6.00 this morning. John A.D. stopped by this after-noon whilst I was out front and commented on how he'd NEVER do such a thing THAT early on a "Sunday morning". Oh well... These are "self-serving" days. And I mentioned to him how, often, I thought of mowing before the day's heat came round, on a Sunday morning but wouldn't. Oh well, indeed. - Still, though the old pines weren't exactly "stately", they were quite nice to see and have there. And although having them cut opens the sky so that the sun will hit this old house longer, come Winter, my heart still aches... thinking of the Little Ones who were used to those trees being there and now, suddenly... they're gone. I just hope there's no "damage" to them. - Now... it's time to wrap this day up. It's been over-cast and now already, at 19.00, it's dark... - 21.29 I'M RUNNING LATE AND I DON'T KNOW HOW I'VE DONE THIS SHIT! YONAH WAS TUCKED-IN AT 19.30 AND... BLOODY SOC.MED. AND SHIT I SUPPOSE! BUT YONAH'S JOURNAL IS ON-LINE AND CURRENT... TOMORROW... IMAGES AND VIDEOS! AND UP-DATES TO HIS DIET PAGES... and there's a LOT I ought to up-date on the other info pages as well... since I'm learning SO MUCH MORE these days... not, mind, that I expect anybody's actually reading any of it. Still... - Well... made it through another "9/11"... but being here has been different... I've been able to avoid it all. - Still "painful" in the chest though tonight. But we'll see how tomorrow goes... I'm so tired. Will have a bit of ice cream and head to the rack... Tomorrow... OFFICE COUNT! And... MONDAY! SHIT! - 22.05 still feeling like shit... but... off we go... to the rack.

Mon.12.Sep: 13.16 No scanner, scale... the fuckery! And I tried to get a "count" done but... Mail not in until after 10.00! Didn't finish until... NOON! FUCK! And Kevin? Came by to help with e-mail... Fukkall. Hey... they don't care I don't care. - LETTER FROM "TFL"!!! I FORGOT TO PUT THE "NUMERICAL AMOUNT" ONT HE CHEQUE SO HE SENT IT BACK TO BE COMPLETED. I PHONED TO APOLOGISE AND GOT INTO ANOTH ER CONVERSATION ABOUT HOW HARD HIS L IFE IS AND HIS EXPENSES ARE AND HOW EVERYBODY ELSE IS IN SUCH DIRE STRAITS AND HOW WONDERFULLY CONVENIENT THAT I'M WORK AT THE SHITBOX AND HOW THE EXTRA MONEY WILL BE SO HELPFUL... FUCK THAT SHIT. AND THE CLAIM OF IT COSTING HIM $13,000 FOR ONE MONTH FOR GAS FOR VEHICLES AND HOW HE HAS TO GET UP AT 3.30 TO TRAVEL TO AND FROM PLACES AND HOW HE HAS TO DRIVE 5 HOURS TO GET TO NEW RUSSIA "TO POUND NAILS"... I MEAN... FUCK YOU REALLY! I'M SO SICK OF THIS BULL-SHIT AND FUCKERY. I WONDER IF HE THINKS I DID THE CHEQUE INTENTIONALLY... FUCK HIM! NOT TOMENTION THAT HE CLAIMS THAT HE'D SENT SOMETHING TO NEW RUSSIA BUT DIDN'T PUT THE ZIP CODE ON AND THE "BOSTON PO" SENT IT BACK. MORE FUCKERY AND BULLSHIT! - And the McCoys had a meeting in f ront today. What a fuck! - And Yonah? He MUST be moutiling... POOR LITTLE GUY! - ANyway... the morning is gone... and away we go... FTW~! - 20.13 FINALLY GOT ALL THE IMAGES AND VIDEOS ON YONAH'S AUGUST PAGE! 21.40

Tue.13.Sep: 5.36 Coffee done. Eggs on the boil. Rain falling out-side. Throat tightening. And another day... BUT TODAY...
ONE YEAR AND 11 MONTHS... MY JOY, DELIGHT, HEAVEN, AWE, LOVE LOVE LOVE, YONAH, ONE YEAR AND 11 MONTHS! And, poor Little Guy... moulting.
And me, up and here and not knowing why. I wish I could have guaranteed quiet nights (last night, only one contraction) so that I could be in the room with Yonah and wake when he does. But... "Life", "Creation".. that's how it goes. Still... I'm up when he wakes and that's important and all that matters. - 8.03 Half smoke this morning and the tightness in the chest/throat. FUCK! NOT looking forward to the shit-box and parcels and the wrong addreses and the attitudes of these morons. Yonah up at 7.00 with a whhhh AS I opened the door to his room UV light on... raining. TIRED... again... already... as usual. SICK of the "Congrats on the new job!" and "It gives you something to do." FUKTARDZ. Need to shower... and hopefully put this mood down the drain. HAPPY ANNIV MY LITTLE HEART-BEAT! 18.52 I'm no closer to ever getting to this Journal than I ever was and now it's a month and a half! I NEED acouple of days of nothing else... AND... THIS MORNING 2 MONEY ORDERS, PEOPLE COMING IN FOR PARCELS, AND I DID MANGE TO BALANCE THE DAMNED BOOKS IN THE SHIT-BOX, THOUGH, TOMORROW MIGHT BE DIFFERENT AGAIN. BUT I GOT OUT ON TIME AND YONAH'S FOODS ARRIVED TODAY! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! THREE BACK-UPS NOW... OF EVERYTHING! - BUT... ON THE WAY BACK IN, A CHAT WITH Ms. NEXT-DOOR... WHO SPOKE WITH THE MASS-HOLE YESTERDAY TO TELL OF THE "NO HOT WATER IN THE SHOWER" AND MASS-HOLE WILL BE HERE TOMORROW OR THURSDAY! OH FUCKING JOY! I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY "CARE" OR SHITS TO GIVE! JUST COME, DO, SAY, GO! NO DOUBT THERE'LL BE THE "RENT INCREASE". WHAT-EVER. HE RAISES THE RENT, I REPORT IT. HOPEFULLY IT'LL BALANCE THE NEW INCOME... WHAT-EVER. I JUST WISH WE COULD GET OUT OF HERE.
***** MEAN-WHILE, YONAH IS PASSING A LOT OF PLAIN WATER TODAY, AGAIN! SO... WE'RE GOING BACK TO THE OLD MIX AND NOTHING ADDED. TRY THAT FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS AND SEE. I WAS READING THAT "POLYURIA" CAN BE FROM A "SLIGHT DISTURBANCE" TO A "LIFE THREAT". I'M GOING TO BE WATCHING WITH EXTREME CARE NOW... AND IT CAN ALSO ACCOMPANY A MOULT. SO... BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY OF THE OTHER "SYMPTOMS" OF TROUBLES: LETHARGY, EMACIATION, &c. (OR I'M JUST BEING TOO HOPEFUL. I DON'T KNOW... AND THERE'S NOBODY TO HELP... A-FUCKING-GAIN!)
Now... 19.01, time to get to his Journal and wind this day down... the rains have finally stopped. Tonight, 14°... tomorrow night... 8° through Friday night! FUCK! - 21.18

Wed.14.Sep: 15.40 Mass-hole is on the premises. Oh joy! Next-door... thankfully. Hopefully it'll be over there and tire itself out and leave (I should be so lucky.) - HORRID start to the day with Yonah and his door at 7.00, NOT on his perch, and QUIET! I had a grand cry... SO afraid he's not feeling well. But though his poops for over-night were still "soft", they didn't look bad... But as soon as he heads out and to the pillows on his futon... WATER! Checked several MORE web-sites and though they say it "could" be some kind of infection or bacteria, unless he has fatigue and lack of appetite and such, they say it should pass. It's also some-what common with moulting. I want to hit somebody... NO AVIAN VETS NEAR! Oh, and there was a "help me post" on one of the forums that said the same thing I'm feeling: the vet maltreated HIS Little One so he doesn't want to go back and there are no avian vets close by. I wonder... though it was posted 2 years ago. Other-wise, Yonah seems to be fine! I just don't know. - Also MADE IT TO AND FROM THE MARKET AFTER WORK !!! NOW THAT'S GRAND NEWS FOR A DAY! I don't know how much more I can push this muffler situation though. We'll see.... Oh, and the indicator too. As I say: Time will tell. What-ever. - For now... I await the "rent increase" message... - Oh... and the bloody 1412 doesn't balance again today. And the fucking-Russian comes in for his parcels (at last) whilst I'm re-newing the POB for "the Canadian" and the Rusky expects me to drop all because HE strolled in. Yeah, well, he waited, all got done and I got out of the office about "on time". Now let's see about tomorrow. - Right now, I'm quite exhausted and have to catch-up (FUCK) with Yonah's Journal... I need a FULL DAY of being "rested"! HAH! - 19.12 Mass-hole came by, front door, masked, then stepped back to the PO rail to chat... about nothing. Says he's here for a week and left. - YONAH'S POOPS ARE BETTER... and I'll be seeping with him tonight... 8° and I want to know what goes on in his room at night. - Getting cooler though. 21.01

Thu.15.Sep: 16.20 Another day is passed... and what have I done? Well... Lamaged to stay with Yonah until 3.00 this morning. THREE contractions! FUCK! By 3.00 I figured I'd just go to bed... Slept-in until almost 7.00 !!!!! But woke JUST before Yonah called. Yonah was in better "condition" this morning... 10 poops... perfect poops... But he's passing water again during the day. I can't figure it out. And this morning... opened the shit-box on time, left on time... Pleasant day there. Then, laundered the canvass and fitted grey (on the line) at noon... Never expect any to dry. Dan came by... got another "bag" of smokes and gave him a jar of ginger for his lungs and chatted briefly. Phoned Kevin to see about heating the shit-box in cold weather since it was quite chilly this morning. HE said the gas is auto-del... and then told me about the new heater: Seems he spoke with the Mass-hole about it last year and the Mass-hole said something about the "diffrential" when the out-side temperatures reach bitter cold. Kevin said he'd make a call, made the calll and the Mass-hole was forced, by USPS, to install the new heater. "Forced". THEN Kevin tells me that yes, USPS pays rent, "not very much"... nobody says how much, BUT the whole "not paying rent" is proven BS. The things we learn. Meanwhile, the office doesn't balance again and I've been working on a new 1412 on the lap-top and trying to figure how to get rid of the "over" but simply removing the total-over from the COH doesn't work so I need to adjust physical "accountabilty" and my brain won't do it and I can't understand why I dont understand! MEANWHILE... SUNNY, breezy, chilly but not in the sun. TOnight... 7°! FUCK! Spirulina arrived to day. But we'll hold-off on that. I don't want to put any more changes to Yonah's diet. Thinking I might try it first... see what it does to me... Yonah's heater should arrive Saturday? Lookingh forward to that... but not "installing" it. Not sure if just laying it atop his house will work... But we shall learn. (It's 100$ "trial") Payday tomorrow... and this old lap-top is fucking... I dread buying new... with the software installations and bull-shit! Still have the Toshiba to clean out. I should live so long for it to really have any importance. Meal on the hob... Another day... GONE! AND... THIS Journal... is now, officially, a month and a half behidn! 19.35 Yonah is tucked-in... perfect day together. Still can't understand how to "code" the 1412 but... Right now, looking hforward to getting to Yonah's futon.

Fri.16.Sep: 8.03 2-3 contractions with compression sox but on Yonah's futon pressing against arm-rest worked well-enogh! Stayed with him through the night! Woke, early (dark) then, saw the "lgiht"... 6.15.... Slept! Feelin pretty good... Perfect poops for Yonahg this morning! YAY! - Payday... now have to "juggle the accounts because, well... - Frunace was runninng when I woke... and again as I got Yonah up. 5° tonight then bak to normal. - Deb & Co. leaving for CT today... "don't know when we'll head back up". She's "one of those" to be sure... I wonder where they'll spend the Winter this year... Doubtful they'll be here. Oh well... what-ever. - Already time for the shitbox! FUCK! - 16.28 Just in from burying a blue jay that was beside the drive out back. No signs of any injuries. And it was still "limp", no rigor mortis. Eyes were closed. So, under the pines... Oddly though, I noticed it from the back gallery (and with my eyes being so poor, I had to go look)... and when I came back in to get my boots on, Yonah was in the kitchen! NOT comfortable with this. Anyway, my hands are clean... bleach, Lysol and Dawn! NOT take ANY chances. I wonder though, what caused the death. Car? It wasn't attacked. Odd. - "Mulberry silk" mikebox 21.21

Sat.17.Sep: 6.38 Night with YONAH... ALL THROUGH, one loo. Constriction socks (to the knee... works better?) He up at 5.00 moonlinght all calm alarm set for 5.30 - sounded I dozed until 6.00 up... then Yonah up coffee and water relay slept so well last night throat tight this morning other-wise "anxiety"? I don't like this job esp. on Sat. 6° out there! FURNACE STINKS IN YONAH'S ROOM WILL TELL NYSERDA! 12.08 Well fukme... new furnace being installed today imagine that! 2131 to yonah's futon!

Mon.19.Sep. 5.35 Not really sure why I'm up at this hour but I am and here it is the 19th already, this mes of a journal is up to 71 pages and I need to go back to the very beginning of August to catch-up at this point. It's depressing me because I'm disappointed in me. And August? Well... it was SHIT anyway. - But I'm awake, another day, another Monday... another Postal Day... and that too, annoys, with no access to the programmes on the computer and no access to any sort of assistance... never mind, still trying to figure out how to correct the financials... again! And I've NO idea how they got fucked. Oh well... and alas. The money's there. None's been taken... if anything I've added. So there we have it. - These compression sox seem to help, tremendously though, with the contractions. And my feet aren't as "blue" with vericosity. Damned shame about the lungs though. Gurggle in the morning. Oh well... - And now, if I could figure out why I make so many typos these days. - And my eyes are just miserably doubling... - I suppose it's called "old"... WTF. - Today, hopefully, Yonah's new heater will arrive and hopefully I can figure a way to install it so that it keeps him perfectly warm this Winter. - The new furnace was running this morning at 5.00... I could barely hear it. But it doesn't heat as warm as quickly as the old one does. I'm still curious as to WHY the Mass-hole came along with it... I'll bet it's 2nd hand (at least) and it was some kind of "give away" from some-where.
OR... HE'S REPLACED AN ACTUAL GOOD FURNACE WITH SHIT BECAUSE HE'S GETTING RID OF THIS PLACE.... WHICH WOULD EXPLAIN THE CLEANING OF THE GARAGE SUDDENLY.
YES, YES, INDEED... THERE WE HAVE IT... THE OLD FURNACE WENT TO SOME PLACE HE HAS BETTER INTEREST IN AND THIS PLACE WILL BE SOLD OFF... WITH A SHITTIER FURNACE... AND SUCH. WE SHALL SEE... No matter... I don't see much "good" happening in here in the coming months anyway... we shall see. - 20.32 EXHAUSTED TAKING YONAH'S HOUSE APART ANDCLEANING. POOR GUY... KITCHEN ROLL, NO TREES... BUT HIS HEATER IS UP AND IN AND WORKING WELL! I'LL BE IN THERE WITH HIM TONIGHT AGAIN SPOKE WITH A VET, VIA "JUSTANAWER" STILL NOT SURE THE CAUSE OF THE POLURIA BUT I HAVE TO SAY SHE COULDN'T TELL ME MUCH EITHER THOUGH SHE WAS CONCERNED. (COST ME A BIT... OVER 50$ BUT I DON'T CARE... JUSTANSWER SNUCK IN A MONTHLY SUBSCRIPTION.. .WHICH I CANCELLED AND STILL HAVE UNTIL 19 OCT TO CALL AGAIN). ANYWAY... YONAH'S HOUSE GOT *REALLY* CLEANED ND THE TRAYS BLEACHED WITH "CLEAN-UP" MAIN ONE BACK, THE OTHER 4 ARE S OAKING. ALL THE SAND IS OUT! THE TREES ARE IN THE YARD IN THE RAINS. 3 BAGS "DOVE SUPREME" AND 3OF ZUPREME READY TO BE TOSSED. SOMETHING ISN'T AGREEING WITH HIM. HOEPFULLY THE HIGGINS WILL BE BETTER. - HORRID MORNING AT THE PO WITH ALL OFTODAY'SMAIL, MISDELIVERIES, ETC. AND PEOPLE CMOING IN. MARTIN CAME IN FINALLY FOR ALL HIS SHIT... I DIDN'T HOLD MY TONGUE. HARRY WAS A DELIGHT! - SPOKEWITH SUPOPRT TOO WILL SEE IF THAT SHIT WORKS TOMORROW. REALLY READY TO JUST LEAVE NOW... ESP WITH YONAH NOT WELL... NOT WORTH THE AGGRAVATION. - MS NEXT DOOR SAYS MASSHOLETOLD HER THE NEW FURNACE HAS BEEN IN THE WORKS FOR 3 YEARS... THEY'RE AL FULL OF SHIT. - ANYWAY... TIRED. HAVING ICE CREAM THEN TO YONAH'S FUOTN FOR THE NIGHT. - NOW I SERIOUSLY NEED TO GET TO THE DUMP... RAIN TOMORROW THOUGH... THE MUFFLER? WHAT-EVER. -

Wed.21.Sep: 7.14 I slept-in until almost 7.00! I stink of urine this morning! Like some old shit! Last night's contractions... 2-hr style. I started to sleep with Yonah and had to get back to bed. And all the way up to the groing on the right. Walking abck here yesterday from ER... and in the rain... no doubt. And this morning, yesterday "feels" like it was a week or more ago. Vague. My chest hurts too. I think it's the PO job... Going to have to lose it. 19.34 MANAGED TO MAKE IT THROGH THE PO TODAY... RATHER WELL. YONAH'S BOX ARRIVED! BEAUTIFUL! Just that is has a "notch" to grasp the top but other-wise LUXURIOUS. Showed it to Amy right away and told her what it's for... now all I need is the silk and that, according to the USPS, was supposed to be here today but... "USPS"... fux. Mothballs were supposed to be here today too... FedEx... I say no more. The PO is better now because after yesterday, I'm not panicing and won't tolerate the BS. In fact, sending misaddressed back "NMR". Let's see how that works out. (I expect a fight. well... let me get the new muffler and inspection and I'm OUT!) Tired of course. Oh, put the "fence" up on the back gallery as Rita watched and we chatted. So, I explained it's for the hawks... She seems argreeable (seems). Meanwhile, this house is a mess! OH... made it to Aubuchons for Play sand and cable ties. One package, from Nov.21 to today... 1,69$ to 3,89! I rang the store and got told, bluntly, the price is correct! Rang Customer Svce: "This is only cust. svce. I can give you the corporate number but they don't take calls." So... Soc.Med. and I'll get the printer and get a letter out to have them investigated. The eplay sand is wet... of fucking course. So it has to dry out and be "washed" before use. Fine. OK. And made a quick run to market too. Busy day... "accomplished"... 21.20 Could use a shower but... not...

Thu 22 Sep 6.52 Another night of "Q2h" and the most insane dream about Jon Richardson who was keeping me from leaving some large house as some kind of prank and I got angry. And there was some sort of depraved "disco" place. "Dancing In The Dirty Air" that woke me because of the anxiety of it. Not to mention, (I must have had to pee again) a sexual "charge" to it when I said I was getting angry and he didn't want that. - Anyway... I got out of the bed, begrudgingly, at 6.30... and here I am, having put the kitchen trash in a bag at last, on the off chance of getting to the dump (it's raining) today. But feeling shitty, to be honest. And not looking forward to the day... or the PO. - 13.48 GOT OUT SO ON TIME THIS MORNING THAT I WAS IN ALREADY AND CHANGED AT 11.30! - JUST GETTING THE BOOK-KEEPING DONE... FROM THE 14TH! And it seems "JustAsk" dropped the charges for the consult! Called the CU and they confirmed on their end, the charges were "PreAuth" and dropped. I'm not reversing that though... Have to figure out who to contact to confirm... or just let it ride. - Meanwhile... windy WINDY... over-cast... and CHILLING! I was going to head for the deump but... not in rain! - Besides... not feeling well... all morning. - Yonah's been THRILLED to have me in his room ans I try to get my disaster together. - Fri.23 1949 Tried to sleep with yonah last night... EVERY TWO HOURS AGAIN! I by 4.00 i was back in the bed-room... until 600 feeling like SHIT ALL Day today, and worse this evening after meal throat tight, stomach feels cramping, light-headed, fatigued... Sleep deprivation? I don't knwo. the job is REALLY getting to me. I'm so sorry i took it, other than the shopping for Yonah. HIS SILK ARRIVED TODAY! IT'S REALLY QUITE BEAUTIFUL! SO IT'S IN THE BOX AND "PACKED AWAY"... I'LL PUT IT SOME PLACE SAFER AND BETTER. RANG EV AT ABOUT 11.30 (I MADE IT OUT OF THE SHIT-BOX ON TIME!) SHE WAS PACKING TO GO BACK TO QUEENS. Washed some playsand... using the finer dust to sprout seeds, plants for Yonah's house. It's quartz, non-toxic. THe grit in the oven to heat and dry... only to heat and dry. when done, will have to figure out how to put the pool back in with-out the rocks. No more rocks. I fear the iron in them is poisoning my Heart-and-Soul. I'm SO SO SO fucking far behind in journals again! And just so damed tired when I sit to type. If I can't be constantly involved it becomes painful. In fact, I HAD HAD HAD TO NAP for 90 minutes today because of the fatigue/pain! This is a fuck! And hydration WTAF? Anyway... I need a couple of days to just "catch-up" with me... might take some. But I'm so sorry i took this job. And the people are fucking idiots too... from the locals to the fucking E-town. No support. Just "Gimme"! Fuck that shit. tonight we try 22.00 for the rack... my chest and throat feel like I'm being strangled. Oh... and the wind was whistling through the front door... again... already. Notinig... we're below the 3/4 line on fuel. Aaat 24 : 16.43 Up at 6.30! I actually slept through the night! Not sure how but... woke some-what "refreshed,,, as much as ever hppens for me ,but SO TFUCKING TIGHT IN THE THROAT AND UPPER CHEST! AND THAT LAST THROUGH THE DAY.. IN SPITE OF THE REST LAST NIGHT/ PO WENT WITHOUT A GLITCH KEVIN RANG AS I WAS CLOSING TO TELL ABOUT "SCANS" AND WE TALKED ABOUT WRONG ADDRESES AND HE DOEN'T MIND THE RTS JUST SCAN AS SUCH. UNDERSTANDS THE SITUATION, AND THAT EVEN THERE, HE'S GOING THROUGH HELL WITH PEOPLE - GEORGE LET THINGS FLY FOR TOO MAY YRS AND NOW PEOPLE ARE USED TO THE BS. WELL... WE SHALL DEE. TRUTH THOUGH... I'M NOT SURE I CAN HANDLE BENIG BACK TO WORK. I'M REALLY NOT "WELL" AT ALLL... WILL CALL MONDAY TO MAKE APPT WITH DR. QUQACKER AND SEE WTF CAN BE DONE. THIS HAS TO STOP! GOT TO THE HOSUE BY NOON! TOOOK SNOOZE FOR ANOTHER 90 MINUTES AND WOKE AT 15.30 FEELING ALMOST GOOD.... YONAH HAS A POOL AGAIN! OISTEAD OF ROKCS THOUGH... I USED A "LIBERTÉ" YOGHURT CONTAINER CUT FOR THE TUBING ... AFTER RUNNING PEROXIDE THORGHT ONE MORE TIME. THE WHITE SAND IS SO WHITE NOW... BUT IT'S CLEAN AND WE'LL SEE HOW IT WORKS OUT. BEAUTIFUL DAY SO PERFECT... CLEAR. COOL AIR, WARM, BIRLLIANT SUN-SHINE. COULDN'T BE BETTER. DAMNEED SHAME THOUGH... I'M TIRED AGAIN... AND NOT FEELING WELL AT ALL. HAD THAT BURST AND DID YONAHH'S POOL AND NOW... FUCK ME... AGAIN. THROART, FATIGUE.... ENERGY DWINDLING AGIN... IT'S ANNOYING AND DEPRESSING.... BUT IF I SAY "DEPRESSING" I'LL BE SEN AS "DEPRESED"... AS IF THIS ISN'T ENOUOGH TO DEPRESS ANYBODY. THIS SOCIETY IS SO FUCKED. 21 55 SUn 25 Sep 6.47 all night wit younAH 13.58 Prune juice at 9... nap for an hour. "Flush" at about 11. but not much at all. I wonder... Mosthballs in cellar... oil check. 3lbs up stairs after chat with Nextdoor. Chicken done. Congested but feeling only ever-so slightly 'better". Still tight in the chest and throat... light in the head... 'gurggle' in the gut and bowels. Drizzling. Learnt: Dinners with the McFuknuts... Masshole and Madame. Well then... there's the "telling all". Fukkem. 21.23 Mon.26.Sep: 6.32 WENT RIGHT TO YONAH'S FUTON... MOONLIGHT OUT... AND ME TOO... RIGHT TO SLEEP... IMMEDIATELY! AND ALL THROUGH UNTIL 3.00 FOR A LOO BREAK. RIGHT BACK TO THE FUTON AND RIGHT BACK TO SLEEP UNTIL THE "6.00" ALARM! AND I'M STILL EXHAUSTED ENOUGH TO GO BACK TO THE FUTON AND BACK TO SLEEP FOR I-DON'T-KNOW-HOW-MUCH-LONGER !!!! WHAT THE FUCK IT WRONG WITH ME? IF I DON'T SLEEP, BECAUSE OF CONTRACTIONS, I'M EXHAUSTED THE NEXT DAY. IF I DO SLEEP, WITH-OUT CONTRACTIONS, I'M EXHAUSTED THE NEXT DAY! AND NOW... I'VE TAKEN MORNING VITS AND THE PAIN IN THE CHEST/STOMACH/THROAT IS COMING ON! I'M WONDERING IF THAT'S NOT EITHER AN ULCER OR HIATAL HERNIA (which I looked-up last night and it damned-well could be). SO... HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH ANOTHER MORNING OF FEELING SHITTY! NOT TO MENTION, ** TWO ** MONTHS OF JOURNALLING TO BE DONE... AND I FEAR THIS LAP-TOP IS ABOUT TO SHIT THE SHEETS AS WELL... AND I WANT TO QUITE THE SHIT-BOX! - Dreamt a bit of THAT last night though... something about "Crystal", though it wasn't she but it was... handing me the envelope with HER "count" when I was given the office and she smiled and said "Oh, consequently... you're not short. I added." and I said "That's nice. No, I'm not 'short' because now I'm 'over' because *I* added." That's when I woke at 3.00 to pee. - Now.. on with the day. Yonah will be up in about 20 minutes... and no matter what the day... ALL will be well... - 2125 27 up at 3.... with yonah to the bedroom for a couple of hours couldn't really sleep he was SO afectionate... up at 7.00 perfect poops work went qicklu and lgiht Jeff said We don't need cheerful and smiley we're just grateful to have a body in here. yeah... thre wyou ave it Wed week Yom Kippur... jmmmm Propane del... 70$.... not great but not bdad considering shower daily got the garbage together didn't go... rained ta 15.00 found a muffler... about 200$ have to call richie to see when he can install... IF I wish i could do it myelf! 500 total with labour I'm sure Oh well... I need the truck need the muffler Trash on thurs I suppose TWO bags already! Shit 12.34 off to yonah futon... I DO SLEEP BETTER IN THERE! Wed. 28 6.21 Head on the pillow on Yonah's futon and the next thing... 2.00 this morning and a loo toddle.... back to the futon and the next thing... BZZZBZZZBZZZBZZZ the "6.00" alarm! ALL THE WAY THROUGH! Having coffee now... waiting for my little Heart-and-Soul to wake (at about 7.00). And do I feel rested? Oh... HELL NO! I don't believe I'll EVER feel THAT way EVER again. And now... sneezing and "clearing" the throat and such and... not looking forward to another morning, pissed away in the shit-box. Oh... and that "Tom" down the road character whom, once upon a time I thought the only "salvation" for this little hamlet? Owes 14$ for a key... and I'm of the belief that, well... things won''t quite go so well here... Anyway... on with another day. - 21.37 29 Sep 6.00 Once up at mid-night 5.30 Stayed until alarm Work? Pain in the arse Told Kevin not thinking of Tksgvng He told me that NR is surprisingly "needy" and that nobody really wants to work in that office. Imagine! 16.33 BACK FROM THE DUMP... TWO BAGS! MARKETING... ALMOST 80 FUCKING DOLLARS FOR A "LIGHT TOTE" BUT MADE THE TRIP THERE AND BACK! YONAH WITH PIECE OF KITCHEN ROLL WHEN I GOT BACK. 1930 Yonah tucked-in... furnace running... Freexe warnings for tonight. I'm ready to settle-down and tuck in shortly 2145

Mon.10.Oct: 9.08 I woke this morning, at about 4.45, of my own, toddled to the loo and thought there no sense in getting up and starting the day THAT early... A day off and away from the shit-box, and I'd slept through the night on Yonah's futon so... I crawled back onto the futon and laid there, some-what half awake for a while. When I finally decided to get up, it was just before 6.00! Not too bad though. - The furnace was running again... seems it's running every 2 hours this morning... but the temperature out-side was about 1°. Still... I FUCKING HATE THIS NEW "State uv the aht" shit! It doesn't blow "hot", in fact it blows "cool". I'm not sure how, but, eventually and some-times, it actually warms the house but not nearly as well as the old furnace. Yesterday, I took photos of the oil and the electric meter... let's see how much more this is all going to cost me. I can;t help but think that the Mass-hole is doing this shit to piss me off. But then, I don't see why because, historically, I'm the first in many years to actually take any care of this hole. What-ever. - But... Yonah is in GRAND style this morning. The exhaust is on the road (in THREE packages... so FukItz can fuck ANY part of the order, if not the entire thing). There's money in the accounts. Friday is pay-day again (next one is going to be so SHORT... between today's holiday and Thursday off but I can't care). - And I'm tired again... of course. Had a trip to the loo this morning after yesterday's prune juice. Was "OK" until then. Good BM, considering but it doesn't take long for me to "need a snooze". - I could use a trip to market but... we'll have to see. I need to run the truck though... after all the bloody rain and cold! FUCK! - And there's SO SO SO SO MUCH to be done on these Journals still! At least I'm catching-up with Yonah's... and then for him, there's images... AND OUR ANNIVERSARY! TWO YEARS! MY LOVE! LIFE! HEART! SOUL! BEING! -
14.30 JUST BACK FROM CHECKING THE TRUCK... AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL... THE BRAKES !!! I TOOK IT OUT AND DOWN TO GILLIGAN, MADE THE TURN AND COMING BACK, TRIED TO BRING IT UP TO ABOUT 50MPH BUT WHEN I HIT THE BRAKE TO SLOW AT THE TURNS... THE FUCKING SHIMMY !!! I THOUGHT THE WHOLE STEERING WOULD SNAP !!! THAT FUCKING ARSE JUST DID ALL THE FUCKING BRAKES AND THIS SHIT NOW ? I'M REALLY PISSED NOW! I CAN'T ROLL THAT TRUCK FASTER THAN ABOUT 40MPH OR I'LL LOSE ALL CONTROL !!! AND WHEN I GOT IN, THE INDICATOR ON THE CLUSTER THAT SHOWS ODOMETER &c. HAD A ROW OF LITTLE LIGHTS ON !!! THANKFULLY, THEY WENT OFF WHEN I STARTED THE TRUCK AND THE BATTERY IS GOOD. AND IT WAS FINE WHEN I PULLED BACK INTO THE DRIVE. BUT... BRAKES... A-FUCKING-GAIN? WTAF IS THIS SHIT-SACK PULLING ON ME NOW? AND TRUST HIM WITH THE FUCKING EXHAUST? I'M SICK OVER THIS NOW... I DON'T NEED THIS FUCKERIE... AND I CAN'T TOLERATE IT! TOO MUCH... JUST TOO FUCKING MUCH !!!
Painted a bit of wood to make a "6690" sign to put on the porch post for FukItz. And checked the status of the shipment for the exhaust... THREE tracking numbers... all with different weights (8, 11 lbs) but NONE of them have anything more than the "label created". And the FukItz truck was next door a little while ago... More to make me sick. - And to think, I'd been considering a roll to market today... Not likely... Good that I have "food" in the house. AND... HEY! I'm with my Heart-and-Soul... all's well... Checked again, on the "quartz" of the "PlaySand"... there are grits out there that are 100% "quartzite" which is what PlaySand is, primarily. So it's safe for my Little One! YAY! Now... I'll have to get more "High-Calcium Grit"... "granite" and such, to add to the sand for a nice, healthy mix. Now THAT expense I accept with JOY! - And He's having another "together" day. He's obviously happy I'm here... The feeling's mutual! - If not for Yonah... it'd certainly be "check-out" for me. - I'm tired. - 19.57 My little guy is tucked-in... I'm in the kitchen, at table... Hauser playing... Tonight's low... 1° and I'm SO THANKFUL that Yonah has his own heater! Though some-how, the house is set at 65F and it's comfy. Suspicious, indeed. - Today, I spoke with the NYSEG reader. Imagine people with electric bills of 10k$! Stopped paying in 2019 and some are having the bill PAID for them! He told me about how people will rig to get electric. And that THEY, NYSEG, don't flip those black covers unless they're locking them for non-payment. Interesting. Also confirmed that the Mass-hole is paying the electric for the shit-box... imagine that! - Made the "6690" sign and screwed it to the porch. NOT that I believe it's going to matter... There's no tracking info on ANY of the exhaust parts now. Fuck me... BUT... that's no longer the worst of it all at this point. No telling WHAT's going to need repair now. Oh well... I can't be bothered worrying. - Besides, had a cry again tonight... These two days with Yonah have gone by TOO QUICKLY! And reminded me... TWO YEARS TOO have gone by! TOO QUICKLY! Two years ago, all I wanted to do was wait and hope the next breath wouldn't burden me. Now? I dread ANY second of time with-out my little Heart-and-Soul! But... when the time comes... I'll be "out there", right behind him... No more pains for either of us... just "Eternity" and "Infinity"... part of that "Great Energy" that is what-ever all of this is... was... and will be. - Now... time for a bit of ice cream, Brit... and to Yonah's futon... There's the shit-box tomorrow... and that's going to be living HELL... I've no doubt. But... I'll be out of there not later than 11.15... to be sure! - 21.41 Exhaust now due on Thurs. and the traps too. - Off to the futon... - Toothache... upper rear. Jolly!

Tue.11.Oct: 6.30
At 4.00, on the mark, I woke to find me on the floor of Yonah's room, under the sheets, almost at the door...
(ALL of the wood-work was dark walnut, old, plain boards, nothing "ornate" about any of it. The walls were all solid panels, as were the doors to all of the rooms. The ceilings were dark as well. And the lighting? Well, the lighting was rather dim, incandescent bulbs, only some, in small, frosted-glass shades, wall fixtures. The entire dream takes place in one, large, sprawling sort of structure, one storey, but with rooms, flats and corridors that ran parallel with and perpendicular to one another but all, some-how, at different junctures, connected so that, if one knew the entire lay-out of the building, which was almost impossible, one could go to any-where else from any-where with-out ever stepping out of the building.)
I'd been tossed, from my room or flat, my little place of residence, in the rather sprawling, one-storey building, in a "deep East-end" Montréal neighbourhood where I'd resided for quite some time. I wasn't behind in rent or the likes. It was just some sort of "understood" situation that I "needed" to leave, to be out of my place, and so, I'd ventured along and some-how managed to find my-self in the common area of a small "shopping mall" of a sort. It was empty, save the shop keepers. And I noticed that the stores were all the sort of little "specialty boutiques" common to the late 1960s and early 1970s. Little "head shops", as we called them, and "natural herbs", "vintage clothing", nothing of any particular importance to anybody.
In this area, the wood-work was more a "honey maple" or oak, darkened from age, but quite well-maintained, and clean.
I was sitting just out-side a little clothing store where the lady proprietor was smiling at me as I tried my best to put on a t-shirt that was obviously several sizes too small. I'd been shirtless and some-how acquired this t-shirt and HAD to put it on, considering I was in the mall area.
As I sat there, it occurred to me that I could have come here more often, since the mall was part of the entire building in which I resided, and I'd never have to venture out-side. All I needed to do was figure out the "path", through the corridors and other rooms/flats to get here. But I knew that that would take some doing because the entire place was a massive labyrinth of corridors, pathways, and passages.
I got up and happened to look out-side to get my bearings... a battered street sign, white with black lettering read: "GISS/ANE". The slash was, before the damage, a lettre or lettres... and in French I said, aloud: "Djizlane! So THAT'S the street where this all ends." But, when I walked out onto the street, (it was obviously either Winter or just a dreary part of town because there were no leaves, nothing green) it was obviously an undesirable part of town, mostly abandoned old cars and trucks and a rail-road that turned, sharply, a "spur" that was no longer in use, that ran entirely too close to the old brick, white-washed building beside it. From the looks of the area, one wouldn't want to be walking the streets here anyway, so, best way to get to the "mall", for me, anyway, would be inside.
Mis-matched shoe/boot pair but only the bottom of the boot... pale green glass jug of vodka/alcohol with a tiny sock to "close" the spout. StephenFry/Bradshaw & ? Walkinig briskly splitting away "There must be a myriad of ways to get to the same place." "Yes, if one knows the way." Came to a room, had to go to the right into another room through a door into a corridor heading in the opposite direction but somehow knew that I could duck into a next room and get through to another connecting corridor to make it to the resto As I got into the room, there was another swinging door on the far wall and I LUNGED at it and as I fell and rolled through... I found myself waking in Yonah's room... on the floor! Got up, back onto the futon... checked the phone... 4.00 on the mark! 16.45 Managed to get out of the shit-box by 1115 and all "properly addressed" was delivered! Kevin brought the mail at about 10.00 Amy came at about 1030! There's still parcels for tomorrow. Incorectly addressed. I dont care. Mass-hole was here to install a bar in Ms.VT's bath. He'd been in town from since Saturday! The vanity is still in the livingroom though... and he's gone. Told him about the furnace blowing cold. Will tell Hance (who is in FLA) Said he's not raising the rent (I wodner why he told me) Also said that he STILL feels obligated to keep the PO open in spite of it "costing" him. I told him about "Nell"... he suggested I "forget the article". I s aid it can't be done because she does it as a habit. So now he knows about her (though he's still impressed by.with her... moron) Went up to the moutains for TWIGS for Yonah. Go SO MANY... in the over at 275F for a while. He IMMEDIATELY put the few I'd given him, on his loft! He was SO happy that I was back! Me too! But I'm feeling "off"... Late to dinner and too much "activity" for 2 muffins I had for "tea". Sleep sweats on the rack Towel on the line I managed to get that much laundry done today It wont' be dry for today though Sunny day. 20.58 to the shower because of the trmap in the woods... and off to futon... Scrubs for jammies and the thermo set at 68F (and the fucking furnace blowing cold)

12Oct me in my late 20s perhaps at somebody else's house. many guys. One of those "after the after-hours" sorts of places and situations. I'd just happened to follow somebody there somehow wasn't "with" anybody woke next morning the place was absolutley incerdibly filthy and disgusting! younger and older guys all over the place jsut wandering or "sleeping it off" I was on the floor! it was a "work" day and the guys started leaving. i remembered that i had to get to work, new job, some distance away BUT I COULDN'T REMEMBER HOW TO GET TO THE OFFICE! I'd only gone there once before but never expeted to have to go again so didn't memorise the way! didin't want to go there anyway (Much like Albany and the PO) went to some sort of "air-line" office but it was a room full of women (Pakistani_ like a "waiting" room, instead of an office of any kind as though they all had their tickets and reservations and such i did not It was like a little "club" that they all belonged to and they just got there and waited to be called for their flight they were frindly towrad me amused because they knew i had no idea where i was or what sort of situation it was they started leavig and when there were only a few of them i decided to go back too that place where i woke up i had no place else to go and now, because i woudnt show at work, no job. i didn't care any more. Was in a place... a large hangar Tommy B. working on a motor cycle making some kind of repairs or body work Burning LARGE cowboy boots using them as "gloves" there were other boots there too... that he'd used before. they too, abused and some-what burned. he was givng a lesson on what-ever he was doing there were many others there too i didn't "fit in", felt self-conscious, uncomfortable I watched as Tommy set the front shaft of the large boot a-blaze explaining that's how it (the job) is done the boot had been used too many times and wasn;t insulating enough so he had to end the "lesson" the rest left I looked-over the pile of old boots but had to leave back at the original place (or similar) needed to shit no bathroom to be found that had a door and toilet just bath tubs found one room - a "baby's" room with crib and some sort of in-wall "potty" many different sized "seats" filled to the brim when flushed I was happy because it would "wash" as well as let me shit I was stuffed with constipation! as it tried to shit, the "baby" ("dwarf" I'd have to say) got out of the crib and came to taunt me! I looked at my feet yellow, swollen, most toes missing, lint, repulsve! Woke... CONTRACTION, LEFT LEG/FOOT, missing the left sock... 5.52 Work went by I left the office in perfect order for Crystal Deb came to fethc me... LOTS of groceries! came back did the chicken took a snooze MUFFLER ARRIVED... IT'S YUGE CRIED... with Yonah this evening 2122 callingit a night... Fresh water in the "copa" 2 tea lights... May they ward off any "negatives" through the night. I'm a wreck. afraid to go to sleep... Yonah.... Thu.13.Oct: 6.29 Sitting here with the worst pain in the neck and throat. On the first "actual" coffee. Woke this morning, on Yonah's futon after a night of no dreams (that I can recall) and no trips to the loo or anything (that I can recall), looked at the "clock/phone"... 5.28. Decided to just get up and get on with the day. There's SO MUCH of this journalling that's SO FAR behind now... I mean, this one goes all the way back to August. Yonah's is back to September. "Life" has fallen apart in so many ways because of this 2-hour gig at the shit-box next door. And this morning, I'm back to feeling quite "OLD" again... BUT... the closer the hour gets to 7.00 and then to 7.30 when my little Heart-and-Soul has been waking up, the worse the pains seem to be getting. Even to the point where my arms ache. It probably IS more anxiety than much or anything else. It's not that I expect this Little One to be here forever, I would wish that on him... it more selfish of me, really... but then, that's actually how it is when ... well... why we call it "losing" some-one... It's the time with-out Yonah that I dread. Not that I'll let that time be long. The only matter of importance is that he's never in any pain or discomfort... and every morning I look for ANY signs or indications that he's not well... and I worry because he doesn't give any indications of pain... he didn't even two years ago today. - But I DO realise that today, as all days, I have to do my best to keep me in the best condition so that I can give and get him ALL that he could want and need... to the best of my human incompetence. - The ingredients for making bread are out on the counter, coming to room temp. That's the only "chore" on the list for today... The rest? To be at the work table... journalling.
WE HAVE A LOT TO GET TO, TODAY! PHOTOS. VIDEOS. DOCUMENTATION. Too much has gone by the way-side over the past 3 months... it's time... AND THERE'S AN ANNIVERSARY VIDEO TO BE MADE! SO... it's 6.40... time to get my old carcass together here... as I wait for the morning "woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo"!
11.30 And... it's raining! JUST as it was, at this time, 2 years ago! How odd.... - And this morning? Well... the bread is still rising in the bowl. And Dan came by and we're just back from picking his car up from Richie's. He wanted to drive me home because of the drizzle! All I needed to do was toddle up through the back yards! SO FUNNY! - But between chatting with Crystal (who didn't seem to happy about being back in the shit-box... don't blame her) and running Dan, well... this is NOT how I saw this morning going. - Still... Yonah seems quite happy, in this darkness, that we're together... and me, I couldn't be happier that we have the day together... and that THIS year, he's safe... in his own house... warm, dry, food, water... protected. - In other news... I can't get rid of the "pressure" in the upper chest and throat, the sinuses... and can't get my head out of the "ether"! And I'm a little "peckish"... but nothing here until the bread's done... and that won't be for a while yet. - The "pipes" for the exhaust are due for delivery today. Should be interesting to see IF they arrive... and WHERE they're delivered to. - 20.44 Got NOTHING that I asnted to accomplish, done! BUT... had the whole day with Yonah... THe pipes arrived... THE BLOODY TURDFUCKER DROVE THE TRUCK IN TO THE DRIVE! I HPPENED TO NOTICE SOMETHING "MOVING" OUT-SIDE THE BACK DOOR AND GOT UP TO INVESTIGATE THINKING IT WAS MY EYES AGAIN. IT WAS THE FUCKING TRUCK! FUCKTARD TOOK THE PIPES AND BROUGHT THEM TO RITA'S PORCH! I TOLD HIM "THOSE DON'T BELONG TO HER!" THIS ISN'T APRTMT 1? NO.AND IT ISN'T 6690! THEYRE BOTH AT THE FRONT OF THEHOUSE! ARSE HOLE GETS TAKES THE PIPES, GETS INTO THE TRUCK, DRIVES ORUND TO THE FRONT AND *DROPS* THEM AT THE DOOR SO THAT I ALMOST COULDN'T GET OUT! TOOK A PHOTO THOUGH ANYWAY... GOT TO FUCEX ON TWTR AND MORE OF THE SAME BULLSHITE... CALLTHIS NUMBER LOOKING IT UP THERE'S A SHIT-LOAD OF "FEDEX SUCKS" SITES... EVEN ON QUORA! AND FB! ANWYAY.... I HAVE A FUNNY FEELING THESE AREN'T GOING TOBE OF ANY USE ANYWAY... I'M FUCKED. MOVING ALONG... MADE 2 LOAVES OF FAIRLY GOOOD BREAD... WILL HAVE TO SEE HOW THEY 'AGE' AND THEDAY WAS WITH YONAH... DOING MUCH OF NOTHING REALLY POOR LITTLE GUY. and rain rian rain and more for tomorro was well... now... quick smoke and to futon! Friday 14th October: 14.50 It's turning into another day of falling behind! I don't know how the time slips by so damned quickly, but it DOES! Anyway... After a GOOD night's sleep last night, on Yonah's futon, of course, I was up before the 6.00 alarm.. in fact, I was IN the kitchen and putting the kettle on at 5.00! What did I accomplish with the extra hour? FUKKALL! BUT... at 7.33 MY LITTLE HEART-AND-SOUL WOKE AND THE REST OF THE DAY DOESN'T MATTER, REALLY! - Managed to get in and out of the shit-box in about 2 hours. Back in the house at 11.11... and what have I accomplished since? Fukkall! - But Yonah's basked, and bathed... and actually came out to the kitchen when I put the chicken into the oven when I got back from the shit-box! - And there's been some sun-shine today so that's good. - Started the truck... It started, but most of the gauge cluster lights are GONE! Of course... rain... the truck fucks when it rains. AND THE CATCH ON THE REAR-DOOR WINDOW BEHIND THE DRIVER'S SEAT HAS COME LOOSE SO I HAVE TO RE-ATTACH THAT NOW... ALONG WITH THE FUCKING BRAKES AND THE EXHAUST AND WHO-KNOWS-WHAT-ELSE... - AND I'M TRYING TO PAY-OFF THE 140$ ON THE LOAN BUT CAN'T GET THROUGH TO ANYBODY AT THE BANQUE! I'M GOING TO NEED ANOTHER LOAN FOR THE TRUCK! (FUCKING SHAME I CAN'T GET FINANCING ON ANOTHER TRUCK!) - Tried installing "Speach-to-Text" today. It just fucks up too... and needs connection to the internet. So... fuck that shit. - And... now... the day is gone... Time for tisane and...
15.34 AFTER TRYING TO CONTACT TRAIL NORTH THIS MORNING AND BEING DISCONNECTED... THRICE... THEN SENDING THEM A MESSAGE ASKING TO DISCUSS PAY-OFF ON THE LOAN... I'VE JUST TRIED TO "OVER-PAY", IN CASE OF EXTRA CHARGES, BUT, THE ON-LINE TOOK ONLY THE "BALANCE" OF ABOUT 140$... MADE THE PAYMENT AND NOW... *** ALL *** BALANCES ON *** ALL *** CREDIT, LOANS AND CARD REGISTRE AS... *** ZERO *** !!! I'VE PAID-OFF *** ALL *** OF MY "CREDIT" WITH TRAIL NORTH !!! NO MORE PAYMENTS... (until I get fucked by the truck repairs). !!! Now, the only thing hanging is the "Student Loans"... and those are in "deferment"... through December. So... I'm IN NO DEBT, per se !!! Until I get fucked by the truck...)
2138 Sat.15.Oct: saturday 2 young RUssians... photo/psot card... my envelopes Bissell comes in at last minute! stamp stock is DOWN... all at the last minute! Harry 2 MO. Jeff another... Deposit on Saturday! Jeezus! back in the house by noon. the office is a mess. good day with Yonah. the important details of the day are on his journal managed to make it to bed (Yonah's futon by about 21.30!) Sun.16.Oct: 5.42 TODAY I AM going to get back to these Journals! This one hasn't been "right" since 01 Aug... if not worse than that. Yonah's is a mess and we've had our TWO YEAR anniversary! And here I am, 5.43 Sunday morning, up and typing, kettle on and this is how it's been for WEEKS now... and yet... I'm ALWAYS SO FUCKING TIRED AND SITTING TO TYPE MAKES IT WORSE. THE CHRONIC FATIGUE IS MURDER! BUT.. IT'S TIME TO GET SHIT DONE! - So, this morning, as usual, I remember a contraction during the night. Had to get up and walk it. Wet back to Yonah's futon still in some pain but drifted off again. And the congestion... well, not as bad as has been but still... So I wonder... when it's not contractions, does the congestion wake me? Well what-ever... I'm awake, the water's ready... - 14.17 Got SOME Journalling done this morning and THEN...
* THE TRUCK STARTED AND RAN... AND WHILST IT RAN *
* I EPOXY'ED THE CLIP TO THE BACK WINDOW, DRIVER'S SIDE *
* THEN... MULCH-MOWED THE BACK YARD TO McFuknuts' GARDEN FENCE *
* CAME IN, TRIMMED BEARD AND SHOWERED *
Then got to cleaning Yonah's room... SO MANY FEATHERS. - Feeling? Like absolute HELL! AND am bound to feeling even worse because that "scale" on my head is just getting worse so I put tea-tree oil on it. If/when the truck is rolling WITH BRAKES and MUFFLER again (I'm gnawing my gut over the exhaust, because I just don't see how it's going to fit...) MAYBE I can get an appointment with Dr. Quacker to have it checked... a REMOVED! Though... what-ever. Right now... I'm TIRED... as usual... and I seem to have a "foul" odour about me... or my clothes or something. But... on we go... - I still have to figure out how to set the squirrel traps so that the birds don't get into it. All things in due course. - 21.08 Mon.17.Oct: 6.15 Went right in to Yonah's cot after teeth... One CONTRACTION at about mid-night and then... Out until 5.28 but dozed until 6.02! AMAZING! Byt my stomach is relly off after one sip of coffee... Can't have that "perfect" morning. 808 Yonah is up having breakfast! my stomach is REALLY off this morning... started right with morning coffee. Quite uncomfortable. Belching. Hiatal hernia... I've not doubt. Oh well... Time to start prep for the shit box. If nothing else, I'll balance those books! This morning email fm Deb: the injection site is still red, painful. Headaches. They'll never pay attention. This whole shit-show is the "thinning"... Deb, Alvin, Jeff... even Dan. How sad... terribly. Just walk right into it. Off to the trains next... but this time, for immediate burial. Well... on with the day. At least the loan is still showing "Zero" due. 19.11 Didn't get to the office as early as I wanted, but got to work on the 1412 and count and actually had it... for a while. Of course... fuck-ups... The mail didn't get to the office until after 10.00 and of course, the usual "mis-addressed" BS. Then, bless him. "6" came in to pay box rent which threw things off. I was boxing at almost 10.40! Then... the box payment wouldn't post to the 1412... and I worked on it until 11.15 and gave up, "Cert" the 1412 and as I was locking-up, Brady comes in for "Cert" slips! Thankfully, said he'd fill them out and come back tomorrow... (probably at 10.58, fucking shit-sack). 13.30, Crystal calls... "CPMS didn't post" I told her WebBats didn't either... I worked until 11.20 and came home. Now, tomorrow, I have to figure out if/how to post thebox rent to the 1412 and cover it!! Meanwhile, the "final" that I DID is 50$ OVER... but the stamp stock is in there... that was sold on Saturday but still shows on the 1412. I have a LOT of work to do on that... and HOPEFULLY will get it done tomorrow. I'm so fued up with this shit, really. Were it not for the truck right now... I'd leave the key and walk away. AND... MORE I want to get for Yonah. Did the "budget" for next month... It's WONDERFUL having NO LOAN PAYMENT! And I'm thinking: LARGER HOUSE FOR YONAH! SERIOUSLY! Me? I need nothing... Him? There's never "too much" for him. This evening, depressing. 18.30 in the dark and rain ONE MOURNING DOVE AT THE "GARDEN FEEDER"! How I wish I could bring her in for the Winter... but... she'd be here with Yonah by Spring... perm. I don't know. Otherwise. Another day of no Jurnalling... I can't sit that long. I'm fucked in the head. Now... Yonah is tucked0=-in... I have to put the light out yet. Will do in short order, have ince cream... go to futon. I've had it. Too many thoughts bouncing in my head. 2105 Tue 18 Oct 5.10 can you believe it... up and coffee a t this hour. Wonderful. Not that I do anything purposeful with the time... Last night on Yonah's sofa... on contraction, righ tleg, up, walkng done... Last tooth, bottom left, chipped yesterday... and my tongue is all "scratched" so swallowing and even just not doing anything is painful. I'm going to have to figure a way to "cover" the tooth... Dentemp stuff, at some point. Tea tree oil on the head again this morning... I'm "attacking" with a vengeance this time round. That what-ever it is has GOT to go... But between the tooth, tongue pain and tee-tree... my head seems to be spinning about. Then again, my brain doesn't seem to be registering properly either, this morning. As I stood up from Yonah's futon, in the dark, I could see out to the kitchen but when the "shadow" of the door-frame came into my perview, I panicked thinking I was walking into something... and I'd only just stood up. So it's going to be one of "those" days, I fear... Not to mention... the PO (which I've come to detest). - work 11.45 21212 Wed 19 Oct: 5.20 and... up at mid-night for a pee, back to the futon until 5.02. Why I'm up and about at this hour... I have THREE MONTHS of Journalling and will I get to it? Probably not. I'm tired... of course... and sitting at table it making it worse. Took morning vits and of course, PAIN in the chest. So... here were are, another day... and the furnace is blowing about the parlour. Fuck. - 1442 Electric down again COld out there no horrible wather Phones Transunion... all infor correct but tried for my free cr rpt... can't not sure why oh well... Fukkit. SO fatigued again! Shit Oh... truck appointment? 28th. Exhaust and oil... wait until he see's what else! Fukkim! 20.35 THu.20.Oct:: 6.18 and of ocurse, up at 4.20 but "snoozed"... until 5.28! (and feeling hshitty) Dream about getting a phone call... from a deep, raspy, whispering voice telling me that the rent was increased... to 900/mo! When I woke out of it, still in a bit of a "knot", my drifting-into-consciousness thought was: Now I'll be STUCK at the PO and what-ever I make will be going to rent now! (I wonder what THAT dream was about!) 16.49 Back from Aubuchons, Kinneys, market... Deb came at 1500... Marketing done! Epoxy and screws for a new "nest box" for Yonah. Tomorrow.... chicken and rice... I hope. - Yonah is so DOWN with moulting. 21.33 fri 5.02 16.34 Broad comes in (B50) claiming a parcel showed deld she didn't get it. I said it impied accusations, She denied THEN said that she had an "arragment" with the PM and the other one who worked in the NRPO that parcels would be deld to her neighbour. Bob was right there. I told her no, recommended she take the issue to e-town and DC. "I'm not calling Washington" she said storming out the door. I said, quietly but audibly "Of course you aren't. Because they'll tell you what I told you." Meanwhille, I didn't finsh boxing until 10.50... Harry comes along "I need a money order. I'll be right back." I told him the machine isn't working because of the power out last night. He wasnt happy. I don't give a shit. Nancy came by with a jarof her laundry soap! It's fantastic! "Zum". MUST get some! "Frnakinsence and Myhrr"! WOnderful! Then offered to getg me a bottle (at about 12-13$) I told her I've already ordered (havtn't byut...) Now? Hoovered... did the "books". COOKED MOTHER'S CHICKEN AND RICE. DEBORAH BROOUGHT A PACKAGE OF ONION SOUP MIX! NOT sure how it tastes but... tomorrow... Shabbat. Made a little "side" for Yonah's "loft" so he can use it for a nest box of sorts. Hoovered the house... had a nap... And another day... No Journalling. Right now... tired, as usual. Waiting for evneing meal... DREADING tomorrow at work. Tpypical. 21.08 sat 520 12.48 Opened on itme Got STOCK BALANCED Back in the house by 11.58 washed work clothes quick sammich with BABY! 18.47 We''re getting tucked-in f or the night. The sun is gone. Yonah's little face just looks SO painful! He's been so quiet all day. I've managed to get a new Balance Sheet for the shit-box... Over 500 in stock came today! AND I BALANCED! Jeff and Dan were in. Jeff wanted MO. I told him the machine still doesn't work (it does, I was too damned lazy) Dan asked about banques and Kinney's. Jeff said It isn't as much fun. (He comes to purposely pick. Dick.) Anyway... the house smells WONDERFUL with Nancy's detergent! Frankinsecne and Myhrr! I have to order some! It's WONDEFUL... and light. And the work clothes smell so "clean and fresh!" Anywya... tired as usual... When Yonah settles-in, I'll have ice cream ad Brit and off to his futon for the night. NO ALARMS TONIGHT! And nothing on the agenda tomorrow... save... JOURNALS! (I want a good chair!) 2030 sun 6.58! 15.53 THE ENTIRE DAY... Started to clear the work table... that led to the wall shelves... and MUCH poops! THEN, looking for an envelope for the feathers that qunt tore out o f Yonah, SEEDS! I don't know where, exactly, but in the "PO trays" some-where. SO... from this morning to now... - Scrubs washed and on the line though... in "new detergent". Smellin' GOOD in the neighbourhood! - Exhausted! And another day is fucked. - But with my Little Heart-and-Soul all day. - Poor Little Guy... his face feathers are coming in! - 21.05 Showered... mainly becauseI washed the scrubs... in the "Zum"... they smell WONDERFUL! AND... I can't believe it but I washed the sherpa I wear to the shit-box and not only did it rinse quickly, it's SOFT! That stuff is amazing... Not to mention... it CLEANS... thoroughly, in about 10 mintues! No 45 minute soaking. It even gets thesocks white! So tomorrow, with the "work clothes" washed, and the sherpa... let's see how long the scent lasts. Was contemplating sleeping in bed tonight, for fear my coughing disturbs Yonah during the night, but he seems to like it when I sleep in there with him... Kisses... SO MANY kisses this morning. So, I'll try until the first "hack" after which.. to bed. - Can't believe I'm off to bed already... after almost 11 hours of "futon" last night. I'm getting closer to the old "NYC hours". Why, though? Here, there's no need... What I NEED is to work on my mind... for all of the hournallying that I have to do! That weighs on my soul... and the truck... Friday... that weighs on my mind and mood.... Then too... the shit-box...\ 21.43 Mon 24 Oct 6.51 Slept in Yonah's room until 3.00 when I had to have a pee. Needed too "hack" too so went to the bed-room and did manage to fall back to sleep. Woke again at about 5.00 and was so tired, decided to wait for the alarm. The alarm sounded and I "snoozed" and then, the 2nd time... dozed through until almost 6.30. The "sleep" in the bed wasn't "restful" at all. I prefer knowing that I'm in the room with Yonah... And now... RAINING! And thinking about boxing mail in this... Fuckers. No protection against it. Morons. Météo says the rain should be stopped by 10.00. We shall see. But it's just another "manic Monday"... shit. And my stomach is "off"... bowels too. And I'm nervous about the "Miralax". I didn't realise it's artificial petro! WTAF? Not to mention... it's "Walmarde"! No tellingh what's in it! 12.15 AT 9.00 ON THE MARK, HARRY SHOWED AT THE SHIT-BOX THIS MORNING! I WAS JUST GETTING OUT OF THE SHOWER! HE HEADED DIRECTLY FOR LIZTOON. FUKKIM! But he came back at about 10.20 whilst I was still sorting, and left envelopes. I used the metre this morning and BALANCED the 1412! Soaking the NEW BEANIE (which arrived, addressed to YONAH) in vinegar/salt and coffee. I un-stuffed it. Here we go! 18.51 Yonah is tucked in... These journals are SO terribly fucked-up! I'm gettingh to hate this PO job all the more! I'm not "exhausted" but will have my ice cream, Brit and head to Yonah's futon... Like last night, if I have to couogh, I'll got ot the bed. But I believe he likes knowing that I'm there so... 20.52 TUe.25.Oct: 5.15 Slept quietly last night... Up at about 4.30... tried for a little while longer, after morning pee, to get to the bed. But laid there building anxieities about oil, the truck, oil, the truck... and just got up. - Yonah's "coffee dove" dyed to a bit of a "grey". Not deep brown. Beige. Soaked over-night in vinegar coffee. Imagine. If I DIDN'T want it brown... Ah... the world. - Raining again this morning. That door on the truck will rot completely off before Winter's end. Live long enough, everyething falls to shit. But it's warm... oddly so. And my body is in some kind of "anxiety roll". Not shaky, just some kind of "flight" mode, as it were. Odd. Not really... Me. - And why I'm sitting here, with time to journal and just can't get my mind and body to do it... That's my trouble these days... it seem over-whelming. I have to put aside at least an hour each day from now on. I have to... Will I? - And this morning's thought: August feels so damned long ago.. 1974 seems just the week-end. "Old". How it fucks us. - 19.00 Yonah is tucked-in for the night. Two moon lights on. I've gotten almost nothing accomplished today (again) OH THIS MORNING I GOT INTO THE SHITBOX TO SEE THA TTHE SHELF OVER THE WINDOW DIRECTLY OVER THE COMPUTER HAD FALLEN! JUST THE BOARD! HAD I BEEN THERE... WHAM! But I was done with almost all the shit by 1100 had to wait for CPMS. This afternoon, looked through old 1412s (and some intereting "Memos" that I have to review. Trying to get rid of "753" will try tmorrow. I'm so tempted to go into thta office and work after hours but if I'm on the computer, it's registred and I wont' do that! Tomorrow... hoepfully. But, I'm about to have ice cream and get to Yonah's futon. Tomorrow morning, MAYBE I'll make proper use of the time if I'm up at 4.00 again... FUCK ME! 21.20 Wed.26.Oct: 5.28 Started the night on Yonah's futon... at about mid-night, got up with COTRACTION, left leg. Pee'ed. Coughted. Decicded to got to the bed. Well, did manage to get to "sleep" on the bed and woke at abotu 4.30. Stayed in the bed until the clock read 5.20 but that self-set clock is it its own time zone. Anyway, bottom line: I DRAGGED me out of the bed, not at all in the least "rested", sneezed, coughed, just generally "ick". It's the bed, probably the angle of the head, the softness of the mattress, no head board to hold the pillows up properly... It's definitely the bed... that's making me weary. So... new bed? Head/foot boards? Pondering... Nothing until after Friday anyway... FUCK... the truck. I even had some quick "dreamlette" about the truck but can't recall it this morning. - Anyway... on with what-ever the day wil be - 18.44 damned day is done! Kevin told me he has to come into the office... do a count... take back about 300 in stock! I made a deposit today and now I have to scurry to make sure the office balances! I'm not even sure it will at this juncture... but... there's the "envelope". I just hope it covers ALL! And I'm not thrilled about the stock. I might buy some just because. Abtou 45$ ... regular stamps and some to "save". Putting money into the business again... but eventually, I'll make it back. After all... it's just the same as getting from and putting back. And if I hadn't taken this job... Besides, November... NO LOAN PAYMENT! So... instead of 130 out for the loan... 45 ofor the office. Not bad. GOT SOME BUTTERFILIES CUT FOR YONAH! Painted 8 sheets of paper and cut one... 6 per page if it goes well. The... string them and hope he likes them. I'll hang them, together some-how, from the cieling. A little something "in the air". His little "Beanie" is almost dry at last. Tomorrow or Friday... we'll put it back together. (Friday... how I DREAD fFriday... and the truck. THinking about it sickens me.) Anyway... Yonah is tucked in... I'm going to have ice cream, Brit and tuck in too. Will try to get into the office early tomorrow... Today, Jeff showed-up at about 10.30 for a MO but we got to talking. Kerosene is about 7$/gallon AND DEISEL IS ALMOST GONE! This is going to be one FUCKING HELLISH winter! 20.3 Thu.27.Oct: 5.56 MADE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT... ONE PEE-TODDLE, ONE HACK AND MADE IT! ANOTHER NIGHT WITH MY LITTLE GUY !!! - And did NOT want to get off the futon this morning, at 5.28 or so! I could have just stayed there until... - But one of the GREATEST things I've just come to realise is that these aren't really my "NYC Hours"... of 14th street and such... THESE ARE MY * HOMELESS HOURS * (almost). Getting to "bed" almost as sun-set, and waking almost at sun-rise! "Natural" hours. The thing that I don't understand though is that, at "my age", I should be needing LESS sleep... but I'm needing more. Seems I could put in a solid 12 hours/night. Then again, I'm pretty sure that there are "events" over the course of a night that I'm not aware of that are making my "sleep" rather "restless"... breathing and such. But, none-the-less... I'm up and about of a morning with-out an alarm now. And that's saying something... "something". - MASSIVE WINDS BLOWING OUT THERE IN THE DARK, THIS MORNING !!! Quite strong ! Fortunately, they're not bitter-cold winds. AND the plastic on the kitchen window seems to be working to block it. Though it does "whistle" a bit in the loo window. And the inside of the house isn't cold, nor drafty. 13° right now (claimed), but DROPPING to 10° for the "high" (and, the furnace just came on... probably because I'd stepped out for a smoke). 2° tonight... 10 for tomorrow's high... 1° for tomorrow's low... It's going to be "interesting", coming back from Richie's tomorrow... No doubt, the truck will be there for the week-end. Oh well... - THAT'S eating at my gut this morning. - And that broken tooth digging into my tongue again. And a "series" of "dreamlettes" just before waking:
One of them was about rolling along the Quickway heading to Monticello, up a STEEP hill and at the crest, getting off at the exit, but as I did, I realised it was 104 not 106 so I had to get back onto the Quickway... but the dream changed and I was at Aunt Sis's or such and there was something wrong with the truck... and a tooth had broken and there was a piece in my mouth... and I woke up to a TERRIBLE CONTRACTION, left leg... and that settled itself and I looked at the clock and decided to get up, and here I am. - And now... the furnace is warming the house. I wonder if it hadn't run before and that's why it wasn't cold. I DREAD the actual cold to come... this furnace is SHIT! - And of course... the oil, cost, and the cost of the truck repairs, and I just expect to be told the muffler won't fit and... Hey... all of that is "later" and this is this morning, now. "In the moment"... as with my Little Guy... who's going through his own little Hell this morning with the moulting. I HOPE the "Harrison's" is all as good as they claim and that it doesn't upset his little system. "Bene-bac" again, on Tuesday. - Now... on with the regular morning. (At least I've typed an actual "entry" into this Journal this morning... 92 pages, THREE bloody months to catch-up on and... "In the moment"... I have butterflies and a birdie to attend... later today.) (Oh... and an "Office Count" this morning!) - 18.52 More butterflies cut... More sheets (red and green) painted for more butterflies. THE BEANIE IS RE-STUFFED AND SEWN. LOOKS PRETTY GOOD. PALEST BEIGE, BUT OBVIOUSLY BROWNER THAN THE ORIGINAL. Yonah is not impressed. I'm getting ready for the futon. Was in the shit-box at 8.50... BALANCED MY SPREAD SHEET... SOLD 150 IN STAMPS, MADE A DEPOSIT, TOOK ME UNTIL NOON TO CLOSE AND MAKE SURE ALL THE MONEY WAS RIGHT. AND THE COMPUTER SCREEN IS FUCKED-UP... DISPLAY IS LARGER THAN THE SCREEN SO OPENING AND CLOSING WINDOWS IS NEXT TO IMPOSSIBLE. SPOKE WITH KEVIN AT ABOUT 14.00... TOLD HIM THE REPORTS WERE LATE... THE COMPUTER'S FUCKED... ASKED ABOUT MY "MAX"... I STILL HAVE TO SELL ABOUT 200$ BY SATURDAY. I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HOLD THIS SHIT JOB THROUGH WINTER... FOR HEATING... BUT NO LOGNGER AM thinking of ringing Richie tomorrow and making another appointment. He won't be working on the truck on the week-end anyway. He wants me there at 16.00... they clos at 16.30. Fuktard. I have to find a REAL MECHANIC and hope I can afford it. FUCK FUCK FUCK! There's always something. Hey! At least in 2 months Soc.Sec. will be 1200$ (but expenses will eat that up, to be sure) 21.30 Fri 28 Oct: 6.19 NOT sending the truck in today. (I can order more for Yonah!) - Woke once during the night at about 3.00 for loo and back to his futon until 5.45! - Not sure why, but, aside from the shit-box, jus a slight sense of "dread" this morning. "Something" just isn't "right". Nothing's "wrong" (yet) but something's not "right". - Oh, and the broken tooth, bottom, rear, left? The sharp part is the filling. So... not sure if/how to cover it but it's filliing, not tooth. AND... I see... the bottom, rear, right is blackening. The teeth are dying like crazy... and there's nothinig I can do about it. - Puréed food to follow, not doubt. - Ah... - And the bloody furnace... runs and runs and runs and runs.... It isn't cold in here, but it doesn't heat either. And we're not yet into the "COLD". The electric bill is going to be horrific! - 19.37 Office BALANCES... Crystal had to manipulate the 1412 to allow me access this morning. WTF? BUT... there's even an envelope with the 1,17$ "Retained"! EVERY PENNY... accounted for! May it stay that way from now on. I was TRULY ready to simply walk out this morning... resolved that if I couldn't do the 1412, I'd attend the day's mail and leave. (ANY excuse a t this point, to get back to my Little Guy) Cut 64 butterflies... ordered pipe cleaners for the bodies. (Tried to order from Ikea but the card wouln't go through... mystery but... glimmas and a measureing cup. Don't understand. Maybe for the best.) I JUST COULDN'T GET MYSELF TO BRING THE TRUCK TO RICHIE TODAY! So... with out fo another 2 weeks no doubt. Fukkit! Now... ice cream, Birit... Yonah's futon. Tomorrow... early to the shit box. fuck. Had Deborah's chocolate nut coconut cookies today and was sick most of the rest of the day. Oh... learnt peroxide is BAD on tooth enamel. GO figure. And I have 10 bottles of it! Dilute. I suppose. Better than nothing? We shall see. There a ren't that many teeth left! - Speaking of which: this evening, had a bowel movement... AN ENTIRE SEGMENT OF WALNUT... UN-TOUCHED.... OUT AS IT WENT IN! Teeth... not chewnig... I'm about to suffer terribly... Got to find an oral surgeon and some dentures... NOT GOOD! 21.06 Fucking furnace is running!!! set at 65F1 Oct29 5.44 Up once through the night and yet, tired... AND the oddest sensation in the legs... as if they just want to "let go" and let me drop... not painful, just as if they're "past warranty" or something of the sort. - Not to mention, a touch constipated... and the concern about not having a truck for a week... and such things. Happy Shabbatt... 20.58 So... almost made all the needed sales at this swhitbox tofay. Nancy came in... 111$, the woman form nderwood... 42$. I left with a PERFECT BALANCE SHEET! - Crystal rang to tell me that the trouble with the mo machine is because I don't "log out"... what-ever. AND I was back in the house with my Little Guy by 12-something! Ah... Bob left a parcel... I delivered it down to the Lakota residents. - AND THE TRUCK STARTED AND RAN A WHILE TOO! - Other than that... "YONAH'S" journal has the account of HE SNOOZED WITH ME THIS AFTER-NOON... RIGHT BESIDE MY HEAD, ON THE BLANKETS ON THE FUTON! - I took the last of the prune juice when I got in from the shit-box... and now all I have is "bloat". - Last smoke... off ot the futon. NO ALARM TONIGHT! - MUST get my shit together tomorrow though... these journals are fuked... THREE MONTHS now! Oct.30 18.14 Slept in until 7.30. Tried on Yonahs fiton but CONTRACTIONS at mid-night The day? SHOPPING PRINTER SeGate Zum Glimma 500 measuringh cup jock strap mothballs Made more chicken and rice THE BREAD'S GONE MOULDY ALREADY... no beans on toast Meal... all day, nothing but one small serving of the chicken a nd rice and a hard boiled egg no yoghurt left. Oh well... But it was a day with MY HEART-AND-SOUL! 20.50 31OCt.5.41 the month is gone and another starts and I grow farther behind in all of this... all the way back to August! It's dreadful. BUT... SLEPT THE NIGHT THROUGH WITH YONAH so I'm thrilled. Will be waiting for the 'digestive disturbances" and "malaise"... Yesterday's "intake" of one portion chicken and rice... last night's ice cream with peanut butter, honey, condensed milk... calories but no nutrition to speak of. And still, no BM... I could stand to lose the "gut'n'tits" but... today is Monday and there's mail. Alas. Oddest dream though, this morning, between 4.00 and 5.00 (when I woke): I was in a "new town", having just moved in or arrived or something. LC had a room in a rather swank building. She was attending some college. (Reminiscent of Albany some-how, this.) I'd gone to visit. It was horrid! Small! Tiny! OLD! Painted in the palest yellow, ceilings, walls, I think the floors too. One full-size bed is all that fit in the room. That was head-to-out-side wall against a sealed fire-place and above, the only window in the place! Off-white or faded-yellow curtains closed the window completely. There was some kind of "storage box" place, at the floor, in the wall, almost under the bed... that was it. I commented on the one window. LC said "I KNOW!" and wasn't too thrilled. There was an understanding that I was to stay there with until I found a place of my own but I wasn't planning on any such thing. - Suddenly, I was out-side the building having come from some interview or something at the new job and had to get into the building. Was carrying 2 wooden poles/dowels of some kind. "Flag poles" or another. Quite long. As I entered the building, all glass-front, the tenants were coming in... after work, coming home. They were quite "posh" and I was rather nervous about not "fitting-in". THEN I realised that I didn't have a key to get into the room... having never taken one from LC! But I thought I might get away with waiting in the hall, she'd be back at some point in time that evening. - Walked in, looking at no one, especially the door-man, went to the elevator bank. - Many people/residents waiting for one of 4 lifts. As one filled, the doors tried to close and a "large" woman had to step out, it was that crowded. I resigned to wait for an empty because of the dowels/poles. As the large woman stepped out somebody said "Well, SOMEBODY had to give up"... the space and the lift. These people here were brutally impolite! - Another lift arrived and the large woman and some others entered. I gave it a try but the poles wouldn't quite fit! I was in but we couldn't move because the doors wouldn't close properly. - Suddenly, I realsied that I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT FLOOR LC's ROOM WAS ON! I HAD NO IDEA! For some reason, I thought I'd try "43" (I wonder why that number came to mind in the dream...) So, I pushed for the 43rd floor.. The doors closed and then opened only slightly. I was afraid that the rest in the lift would become annoyed when they saw me, knowing that I wasn't really a resident, but, as it worked-out, the poles were inside the car, but the "inner doors" closed so nobody saw me holding the lift... and THEN, the outer doors closed but I had to lie down in order to get them to close enough... The inner doors closed so that I couldn't be seen, but the outer doors were still open a good foot or two... enough for my head to be "out", and the lift started to ascend. My head was clear of the walls of the shaft, but I could see, clearly, that I was close, so I didn't dare move, even the slightest! As the lift ascended I thought "43 FLOORS! IF NOBODY NEEDS TO GET OUT BEFORE THAT, I'M GOING TO BE LIKE THIS FOR 43 FLOORS! I CAN'T MOVE MY HEAD AT ALL! I DON'T DARE TO MOVE ANY PART OF ME! 43 FLOORS! AND I'M NOT EVEN SURE THAT THAT'S THE RIGHT FLOOR! AND EVEN IF IT IS, I DON'T KNOW WHICH ROOM!" - And, in the dream, I thought: "I'm dreaming here! This is only going to get worse. I have to wake up. It' probably close enough to 5.00 any way and even if it isn't, if I don't wake up, this is only going to get worse..." and I woke. Here I am. 6.03... feeling a bit on the "off and not-quite-well side of things" not wanting to go to the shit-box (as usual). Have to phone Richie again for the truck. Not wanting to be bollocksed with that but if i don't things will just get worse. And not wanting to put-up with the locals today... AND NOT WANTING TO LEAVE THE COMPANY OF MY LITTLE GUY! Typical day... - Kevin came took 5 sheets of what I wouldn't sell anyway Saw my "balance sheet" so he KNOWS how I CONTROL that office. Was pleasant. I managed to get the mail OUT! (correctly addressed mail. Theres's a stack waiting for tomorrow) John O. came by with a bag of Halloween candy for me! "All the houses with kids". we chatted about the fentanyl... the post office... military.... the guinea hens (SO SAD... SO MANY DETROYED BY WILD ANIMALS! FUCKING BREAKS MY HEART!) Groggy and not well most of the day... not eating of course. BUT YONAH IS GREAT! 19.03 Called cust svce at HDpt today and "Alyssa" not only helped me place the order for the shade for Yonah's UV light BUT... with her help, I believe I've adjusted the "Billing" address on record on Yonah's card so that I won't have any further troubles! She gave me almost TWO hours! I haven't tried the card as yet since but... I'm SO graetful! My Little Guy gets a REAL shade for his UV light and it'll keep him from staring at it on his roof-top! I was going to get the "floor lamp" for it, but the "reviews" are terrible so... Something is coming FedEx tomorow... WHERE it ends up will be interesting. (Truth is, I've done so much shopping these past couple of days that I don't knwo what's coming any more.) But I eat my guts out with worry... again. THE FLASHER RELAY ARRIVED TODAY! But it was too chilly and I was too "tired"... Didn't snooze though. But it's because I didn't eat much or well nor enough yesterday. Feeling MUCH better after evening meal. Peanut butter and condesned milk for desert. Nutritious. Another "filling" gone tonight. And not sure if another tooth broken. Once the truck is rolling again, I can get to the dental... all the fucking way to Plattsburgh. THouogh insurance wants me to go to VT. What-ever. I'm just so fed up with it all. I might just go some-where and get a loan. I'm sure others have done it that way. We'll see. Got MY books done today too... even a sheet for Yonah's card! Other than that? The bloody day passed too damned quickly! I'm still a bit shocked about the Halloween candy too. (Now that I shouldn't have any of that sort of thing.) And now, "saging" the house (Halloween) & Cigarettes After Sex playing. Calming... If I were still drinking... it would be a delightful evening for a v-ton... but... no... I won't do anything (other than the smoking which I need to REALLY work on!) to endanger Yonah!... by endangering me. 2103 *************************** NOV ******************************************* 01 21.13 Gave an unofficial retirement to Crystal today Market with Deb Yonah tuckedin at 18.30 Wasted thehours off to bed tonight../ with heating pad at feet PETCO ORDER PHONE VERF ON VISA Nov 02 21.12 FedEx misdelivered a LARGE box again... It was at the front door but this evneing, I checked e-mail to see... they sent photo of next door BACK PORCH! I don't know how it got to my front door though. IKEA ... (500 glimma and a BEAUTIFUL MEASURING CUP) I'm filing a claim for it! FUKKEM! Let them pay for 500 more Glimma! (And the measuring cup? Well... 2 would be nice) Posted a "FUCK YOU" to Twtr and a rude complaint and notice to the AGs of NY asking investigation. The morning? In and out of the shit-box 9-11.05 Period! DONE! No calls. Little else. Made it clear to Amy that I don't intend to take any more shit. Still working on her statement that she claims to have told them "He's not being stubborn or obtuse. He's trying to make it work the way it's supposed to." New appointment for the truck... ont he 15th!!!! FUCK! Oh well... gives me time to settle accounts... I suppose. Didn't sleep with Yonah last night Up ever 2 hours through the night was exhausted this morning Prune juice again this afternoon CLEANED OUT Feeling a bit better. LATE... but ice cream and a brit. Yonah's been tucked-in from since about 19.00 tonight. Poor Little Guy. Oh... not a blip from Deb. Oh well... just as well. 22.33 Should be an intersting day tomorrow... Let's hope for SOME "snooze time". \nov 03 7.51 Bills paid. Thankfully... and now... MY LITTLE HEART AND SOUL!!! 20.58 (The rest is on Yonah's Jouornal) Nov04 19.04 Work was a pain in the arse. Bob telling ME what to do with "Change of Address" confirmations. THEN TELLS ME MOTHER-IN-LAW IS LEAVING "She's on oxygen and having difficulties.) Kevin shows up for a building inspection. Failed, of course. We're "A point of focus". I'm ready to quit there anyway. BUT... wrong size shade for Yonah arrived Home Depot said keep it... on the phone got a refund and replacement at 10$ off... 15$ for the whole thing! Fedex giving me the runaroound... will "call to settle" before endo fo day. Prob 20.00 again. Yonah not in a good mood... I'm worrieD 2 loaves of bread. Hoovered. ESPISODE NOW AS I TYPE... SECOND ONE TODAY! I'M ABOUT TO HIT THE FLOOR. WOW! HEAD ALL OVER THE PLACE. HOT FLASH! SICK... SUDDEN! Having Brit and ice cream... enough of this. 20.46 Felt better for a bit and another episode coming... time for bed. Maybe it's because tomorrow... 3 hours... and HATING the thought of being away from my Little Guy that long! Nov05 Miserable day at the shit box.... Bob is a misery But nobody came in during the day... and I got to come back to Yonah thrice! He was in a greate mood today came to me in the kitchen when time to tuvk in! Clocks changed... MAJOR EPISODE TODAY... HAD TO LIE DOWN... 90 MINUTES! HORRIBLE! Mildew? Goodwill boots? I don't know' BUT WARM! DOORES OPEN ALL DAY! Dan will drive me to vote on Tusday and tonight... 21.27 to bed. was gonig to be with yonah but he seems happier rsted when I don't I MISS slepping in there. but my coughing and I ownder if I snore! Nov06 15.07Up and about by about 3.30... or 4.30... Early anyway. Got Yonah's icons done this morning before 6.00 WOke him at abou 8.15... Another not-so-happy day And during the day? Well... Got his files to the new SeaGate !!! ALL HIS OWN... 2Tb Deb rang early-ish to check if I'm alrght. I wasn't exactly "thrilling nor thrilled" but... civil STARTED THE TRUCK HOORAY! Re-did the pole feeder in the back with a cement chimney square round the base. AND? The bloody day is done! No sun-shine. Oh... Yonah's air filtre on... and oil in his food... He's been fluffed all day though now, he's in his house, beside me. 21°! 18.45 Yonah tucked in. I'm about to follow shortly. Don't want to get to bed too early but... SO MUCH JOURNALLING TO BE DONE... FRIDAY... DAY OFF! YAY! Had a brief chat with that one next door. She's not "talkative" but then... I don't care. I was "kind". Fuck her! Put some "antigungal" on the Goodwills. The mildew isn't as wide-spread but it HAD established. We shall see... New laundry soap due tomorrow... UPS thankfully. Printer due... USPS! Let's see the condition when it gets to the office.... on a MONDAY! Thankdully Amy's on. Can hardly believe Deborah rang today. I'm not thrilled with her. No doubt she's cast a vote for the very political party that's allegedly making life miserable... even for her. But... "can't fix stupid". 3 properties... and still stupid. None of my business... I've just resolved to with-drawal from the entire lot. It's better all round that way. But now... ice cream (whilst I may)and Brits and off to bed. Was going to shower... nope... Tomorrow... LUANDRY AND FRANKINCENSE AND MYRRH! 2027 Let's see how the night goes.... I just dread tomorrow... Shame, really... I've come to hate a job I used to love so. Nov 07 Monday 18.35 Was up and about at about 4.30 this morning. Early to bed... and I'm ging to be doing the same tonight... Rather misereable start to the day at the shit-box. heavy volume... Harry standing there waiting for me to get through everything. Told Amy I'm about to ask for Fri and Sat off... can't take Bob's bull-shit in teh mornings any more She offered to talk to her boss... We shall see. BUT... I WAS OUT THE DOOR BY 11.05! NON-STOP MOVING! JUST MADE IT ALL ON TIME! THE NEW LAUNDRY SOAP ARRIVED (UPS OF COURSE)!!! I washed the "work clothes" and "fleece" already! Too late and too cool to dry, they're in the shower for th e night but the hosue smells wonderful! the rest of the day is on Yona's page. Oh... printer? Now due tomorrow. I'm expecting major damage... Hopefully not. 2058 I was ready at 18.30... Time... I hate it! (Oh... toothache... left side across the "empty" space. Jolly.) Nov 08: 5.51 ALL the bed linens are on the line, the cases and srubs on the rack... on the back gallery. I woke IN an EPISODE, AT ABOUT 4.30 BUT GOT OUT OF THE BED... thinking it would help. I believe there's something to do with the colon. I have the feeling of needing a movement but either there's so little or nothing. Something.... And that's my morning. AND THE MOON... SAVE ONE SLIVER TO THE RIGHT, LOOKS "CHARRED"... "SOOTY". THE WHOLE THING IS VISIBLE IN THE CLEAR SKY, BUT IT'S SO VERY DARK FOR THE MOST PART. I WONDER. 19.17 The shit-box went well... out ON TIME! Dan came by to fetch me and we voted. Stopped en route there at CrUnion and I paid him the 40 I owe for smokes En route abck. MARKET! I DID A FULL MARKET! Back in the house, put groceries up and... REPAIRED THE PLASTIC on the bed-room window. THE PRINTER ARRIVED VIA USPS THIS MORNING WORTHLESS SHIT! NO USB! I'M NOT GOING FOR ANY MORE "WIFI" IN THE FUCKING HOSUE AND NOT IN YONAH'S ROOM! IT WAS IN SHRINK AND I DIDN'T EVEN OPEN THAT. JUST RE-PACKED AND ARRANGED FOR RETURNREFUND FUCK ME! AMAZON WANTED TO GIVE ME "AMAZON CREDIT"! FTS! GOT ON WITH CUST SVCE... THE GUY ARRANGED TO REFUND TO MY ACCOUNT BUYT... UPS WANTS 22$ IF THEY PICK-UP (even though they'll be here on Thursday) OR I DROP AT KINNEY'S! NOW I HAVE THE RETURN LABEL... BUT NEED TO PRINT IT (at the po fuckme) AND HAVE TO FIGURE HOW TO GET TO KINNEY'S I HAVE UNTIL FEB BUT I WANT IT OUT! SO? NO PRINTER AGAIN... FUCK. THIS MORNING'S MOON WAS AN "ECLIPSE"... THERE WE HAVE IT. GETS DARK SO SOON NOW... YONAH TUCKED-IN BY 18.30. I jsut fnished book-keeping. Feeling "slightly episodic". THis morning, cleaned the ears with alcohol... need to do that more often. Bed is made, jammie-sweats are clean. House smells so nice! Must shower before my tuck-in. Tired... but then... no nap or snooze today! Oh... meal... the salmon-noodle is good warmed-over. I added the rest of the "Stir Fry" veggies. Yoghurt after (YAY!) Ice cream and Brit to come immed. Then off to shower, off to bed. 2053 nov 09 5.37 The jeans and Buffalo shirt are on the line... in the dark... in the sub-freeze... in the clear indigo sky... brilliant moon. Washing is done. I'm tired. Stepped out for a smoke, on the front porch, and heard a shriek echo across the black mountains. Nothing exists unless something else perishes. Humanity was not given "free will" any more or less than any other living thing in Creation. I haven't checked the weather forecast nor the news of yesterday's election. My upper chest is tight again, this morning. It's the second coffee, at hand. Another morning. The furnace is running. There was 3/4 tank of oil yesterday. The electric bill should be under 100$ this month. I cant' understand that but am sure it will be adjusted... UP... evenetually. I've paid, dearly, through my life-time, to be where I am this morning. HEAP, FS, &c. I've paid. Now... I wait for the one TRUE JOY in ALL my existence... my PRECIOUS, CHERISHED little Heart-and-Soul to wake. Another morning. Another day. 7.12 "Elections" are being called... Hell has arrived... I live only to make sure my Little One is comfortable. "Peaceful Resignation". And the laundry on the line is frozen... these are the days... again. 18.14 fUCKED THE 1412 TODAY. Will have to go in and HOPE I can fix tomorrow. Yonah's shade arrived today... SAME THING as the prev. Oh well... I'll have to work with it. Now I have two. The filling in the back left tooth chipped again... my tongue is so sore. Have to figure a way to cover it! Had to fight with Amazon to get free return on the printer but "Valeria" actually went to spvsr and arranged pick-up tomorrow! YAY! 100$ back! Now to find another printer. Fuck me. NOT feeling comfy with Richie any more. He's got the PO vehicles and he's fucking them up too! Tuesday will be a lesson. Tuesday, NYSERDA coming in the afternoon to give me "electric advice" and probably light bulbs. nothing of substance. Oh well... I'll take what-ever. It's a service I requested. THe "Weatherisation" needs Masshole's approval and can't get that. Fucktard. Meanwhile... I'm NOBODY HERE CAN BELIEVE THE RESULTS OF THE ELECTION. I'm convinced: Communist rule... we're fucked. Not a blip from Deborah. I wonder. (HEY! At least I don't have to beg a favour to bring the printer.) OH... Kinney's doesn't TAKE parrcels for UPS... they ahve to fit in the drop box. Useless bull-shit. Anyway. Had more salmon-noodle for meal, yoghurt after. Not much but... something more than nothing. Will have to figure more substantive cooking soon. That;s that. I'm ready for seepie-nigh-night... SOON. AT LEAST MY HEART-AND-SOUL IS DOING BETTER! THAT'S ALL I C ARE ABOUT NOW. *** ALL *** !!!! 20.39 nov10 526 up at 4.30.... OOB at the 5.00 alarm... coffee, a smoke and now I want to go back to bed. 18.13 House settled... even Hoovered! The 1412 balanced but the spread sheet doesn't... I'm "over" by the money orders. I HOPE a deposit will fix that. Have to work on it for Saturday. OUT AT 11.05! SUNNY DAY! UPS GOT THE PRINTER! GOT THE CONFIRAMTION OF REFUND E-MAIL ON IT TOO! I'm actually ready for bed already... But too TOO early at this point. Doors open all day! Started the furnace but as is the case, it just barely takes a chill out... BARELY. I'm thinking it's because the "heat box" on this POS is smaller so it doesn't heat as hot. It's going to be a COLD Winter. Oh... HEAP this year... 900$ base... plus 35 and 41 for over 65! Still... just about 150 gallons. Fukshits. Still no word on it though. But... we'll see on Tuesday. Next IKEA due tomorrow... FukItz again. Should be interesting. I'm riled already. Deb sent photos of an article in "Adirondack" something magazine. "Eric Birdman" wrote and did photos. Explains Eric's pomposity. (I said as much in my reply.) "Celebs"... what-ever. 21.10 Ate ice cream, then the 2 little "pancakes" AND the bagel from Deb! I'm going to be something in the morning! THEN, got to trying to figure out how to balance the office... But need to check the previous balance sheet. Currently over 85 in cash... but can't deposit less than 100 and if I do that, the balance sheet is off. So... a little wrangling some-how... if not just putting cash aside in a "753" for a while. It WILL balance... it always does. But I'm beginning to understand how it can be "over"... Money orders and not keeping proper 1412s... on the bloody computer. I could do it on paper but... Anyway, meanwhile, that broken filling... the temp fell out this morning and it's scraping my tongue again... But time to get to bed. Fukkit. Tomorrow... GET TO THE JOURNALS! DAMN ME! 11Nov 14.25 Been in the house all day... being distracted from the work I NEED to get done (but worked, this morning, on a 1412... not that I can figure out how to get shit together in the shit-box again)... and now... am seeing FedEx across the road at the Teeds'... it rolled up off the Hill and BACKED into their drive... JUST AS A PICK-UP CAME ROLLING UP ROUND THE CORNER! OH! HOW I PATIENTLY AWAIT THE *** CRASH ***! The "new shipment" from IKEA is due today... There's a little printed sign on the front porch "HEY FedEx"... I added red arrows to it... but... I'm confident... IF I get another "delivery confirmation"... it won't be here.. again... Oh well. I can't be bollocksed any more today. - And it's been a dreary sort of day. BUT... at least we have the doors open... and it's been a day with my Little Guy so that's PERFECT. - 14.31 Truck drove right by... stopped next door at the McFuknuts'... I just checked the e-mail... TOMORROW... imagine THAT! It shows that the parcel only just arrive in Syracuse! But the best part? It arrived at 1.58 this morning... "On time" BUT... at 2.00 the claim du jour is that the "label" can't be read so they had to create a new one... DELAY. This is going to be another fiasco but... Ah... well... Tomorrow it is then. - Meanwhile... I've been a little bit "episodic" today, again. Been "swabbing" the left ear with alcohol again... 3 days now. It's been itching too. No tea-tree on the head... THAT'S been itching too! I have to wonder... - 21.28 12.Nov: 5.10 Why I'm up and typing, I've no idea. And it's pouring with rain out there. But it's "warm". No complaints really, other than the fact that all this rain is going to destroy the back door on the truck. But I can't worry about that now. And yes, I'm tired. And still, I feel the need for a BM. But I know that sitting on the commode is a waste of time because nothing will come of it. And there's still MONTHS of Journalling to get through. Not to mention, there's this morning's stress over the FedEx delivery that's supposed to arrive... I believe, at the moment, since I haven't checked for today's excuse. And I woke, on my own, at about 4.30 with the anxieties of the truck on Tuesday. I need to stop all of that bull-shit. What will be, will be. There will be comments about the condition, and, no doubt, mentions of "rust". There will be more excuses where the brakes are concerned. I just need to find an actual mechanic now and see what I want to/can invest in keeping that thing on the road. Ah... Tuesday... and I'll be broke again. OK. We'll think of that on Tuesday then. Right now, I've got to "balance the shit-box", Crystal will be in this morning and... the rest? We'll see. - I might work on Yonah's floor lamp today. Have to reverse the bracket to raise the lamp. And there was something else that I thought of but the thought just vanished... (I'm having a slight "episode" at the moment... had coffee, vits. now it's time for an episode... not to mention, my left ear made a "slushy squeak" this morning and I need to re-fill some teeth... ) So there we have it... Shabbat... Tah-dah. But I'm up and about... and that's that. - 18.57 HEAP is in. 976$ this year. But, at 6,04/gallon... it comes to"not quite enough to make a comfortable difference." Work? Crystal was here at 8.20 already with all the mail. THAT made a difference for me. I had to start with the bull-shit right away but I DID manage to balance the office... until, of course, that old shit came in with the money order and threw it off. But the "report" is fine. Then, Nr.11 came in as I was getting ready to close... 2 packages... and the metre wasn't working. So? So, fuckit. It'll wait until Monday. They won't get their address correct? I just don't care. Meanwhile, the "Blob" came in whilst I was REALLY into getting the office balanced, bitching and shit. Made a comment or two about the route and I clarified that I have nothing to do with the route so I don't care. One item: I told him that "Change of Address" cards have to be put into the boxes... Moron took that to mean EVERYTHING goes into the box no matter what so the dumfuk is delivering. I'll mention it to Amy on Monday... if I'm of a mind. IKEA ARRIVED TODAY! TEA-LIGHTS! There are about 1200 of them now. Should do well from Decemeber to March. I hope. And, the funniest bit: for all these years with-out a measuring cup... I now have TWO. But one will be handy for Yonah's food. Managed to get Yonah's floor lamp re-configured so that the light is higher. Had to drill new holes and such but I'm relieved... the light is higher and better for him. Now I have to get a new "fixture" to go with the shade. But, it'll come out cheaper than the "special" floor light that I'd have to put up on a stand or something. I'm TIRED! And looking forward to getting into bed soon. TOMORROW... 2 YEARS AND A MONTH ANNIVERSARY! WE'RE ROLLING ALONG! 2136 Sun.13.Nov: 16.11 TWO YEARS AND A MONTH!!! AND ANOTHER DAY IS GONE... And to think, I was up at 5.30... and had a 25-minute lie-down and for the rest? Well... there's chicken and rice in the oven... from since about 13.00... It doesn't look like it's been cooking at the "375F" I had the oven set at, so now it's at 400F until meal time. And I managed to get the "paper-work" together for the "Energy Audit" on Tuesday. Moved the "packing/wrapping" papers to a larger box and as I went to put the larger box back... THE BOTTLE OF TILDEN WATER FELL TO THE FLOOR... MOST AMAZING... THE SEA WATER ACTUALLY ATE A HOLE IN THE METAL TOP OF THE JAR! SOME DID SPILL OUT ONTO THE CARPET IN THE CORNER BUT, THANKFULLY, NOT MUCH. 11 YEARS! ACTUALLY, CLOSER PERHAPS, TO 12 OR 13 SINCE I'D GOTTEN IT BEFORE LEAVING ROCKAWAY... ALL THIS TIME UNTIL... I RE-SEALED IT AND HOPEFULLY IT'LL LAST ANOTHER 12-13 YEARS... not that I'll be here. AND... the chicken and rice... has veggies in it this time. A few. And I've put cheese a-top for the last hour. I didn't want to cook it but... And it's in Yonah's "first Pyrex"! He won't be using it again, and if I have to get another pool... it'll be the larger size anyway. Set a trap for the squirrels in the back because earlier, there were 2 mourning doves and a jay out there... I hadn't put food out and so... I put the food out and set the trap. Want to get more, smaller traps... for the cat. That trash across the road is on m y last nerves... but then, so too are most of the dimwits of NR. The day went too quickly! FUCK! And not NEARLY enough time with Yonah who is actually "playing" and "kissing" again at last! I've been some-what "episodic" most of the day today too... can't figure why. 21.12 Nov.14: 5.48 DREAM: Last night, got into the bed and, as far as I can recall, had no trouble falling asleep. But it was another one of those "Up every 2 hours" through. No contractions, just waking at 22.30-something, then at mid-night.30-something, 2.-something 4.-something. I was some-what "awake" the the 5.00 alarm sounded but... From about 5.00-5.30 I laid in the bed, "asleep-but-not-asleep" and in some state of dreaming. And truly strange state of "dreaming" though... and in that I "DREAMT" that I was asleep and dreaming...
In the dream that the sleeping me was having, I was in bed in a flat that I'd just taken and had only just started to move into. I'd un-packed everything that I'd brought in, and everything was just STREWN all over the place. There was hardly enough floor space to walk through. And I really didn't like the place. It was old, had a strange, closed, stale, dusty sort of odour to it. But, un-like most of my dreams, this dream-in-a-dream-in-a-dream was quite bright. There was a lot of sun-shine in this old place. And it was in some area of Queens, in a quite residential area. (It reminded me of a neighbourhood that I'd gone through on an El at one time, but I can't remember which. Or, it was some-where out by Bay Ridge, again, in a neighbourhood that I'd been through on the El, for some reason. Not a "bad" neighbourhood, but not one that I'd ever have chosen, intentionally, to live in.) The place was painted an "old and faded, ever-so pale yellow, all the wood-work was white. It looked as though the place had been abandoned for quite some time before I moved in. And, as I say, there were bits of things and stuff ALL OVER THE PLACE! It was a MESS! Oddly, some of what was strewn about wasn't even mine. There was stuff that had been left by the previous tenant... some old woman or something. And I'd been i the place for at least several days, but never gotten round to putting things in any sort of order... and, apparently, didn't care much to bother about it.
And so, in the dream I was laying in bed, dreaming... and the dream IN this dream IN this dream was:
It was Monday morning and I'd some-how thought that it was Sunday and had slept-in. The sun was already up and shining when I woke, and it was almost noon. But I laid in the bed thinking about having slept so late and was just pondering what to do with the rest of the day, thinking that I ought to get up and, at least start putting things in order when I realised...
IT WAS MONDAY! NOT SUNDAY! AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE GONE TO WORK... AT THE POST OFFICE, WHICH WAS ONLY BUT A WALKING DISTANCE AWAY! TWO HOURS THIS MORNING! I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN THERE 9-11.00 AND HERE IT WAS ALREADY ALMOST NOON!
I laid in the bed for a moment, thinking that nobody had called me to see if I was OK. It was as though nobody even noticed that I hadn't gone in. And then I though that maybe Crystal had found out that I'd not opened and had gone in and done it her-self! I felt quite guilty, really, about it, because it was Monday, the mail volume would have been heavy and when she'd gotten there, the postage metre wasn't working (which it a FACT this morning... it ISN'T working), there were no money orders to be sold (this TOO... I'm down to about 3), and the office was, essentially, in a bit of turmoil (which isn't true because, although I can't quite figure the cash-on-hand situation with regard to the 1412, everything is accounted for and I'd even made a deposit on Saturday).
(That the reality of this actual morning managed to play into this dream-in-a-dream-in-a.... just makes the entire situation that much stranger.)
When, in the dream, I realised that I was laying in bed, "dreaming" about having missed work and that I HAD to get up IMMEDIATELY and try to rectify things, I got up and headed through the hall to the kitchen but noticed that the loo door was closed. I wondered why that was, because I hadn't closed it. Somebody just didn't want me to see what was in there. And, apparently, I hadn't seen it when I'd come to look at the flat before moving in. So I opened the door... It too, was painted the same colours as the rest of the place and there was ALL sorts of debris and such on the floor! It was in need of a proper cleaning. There were two windows on the one "back" wall, side-by-side and almost floor-to-ceiling BUT... the bottom half was obscured... it had to be the upper part of the building next door because I was on, perhaps, a 3rd or 4th floor in "my" building. If it were the building next door, there was all of about 6in between the window and the building. Ah... but as I stood looking in... a kid dribbling a basketball passed the windows! All I could see of him was waist-down, that's how high the "roof"/ground/level was! And I heard the "thump, thump, thump" as he passed. "THAT'S WHY THE DOOR WAS CLOSED!" I thought, "THEY DIDN'T WANT ME TO KNOW ABOUT THE DAMNED NUISANCE NEXT DOOR! FUCK! But I can't be bothered about that now... I have to get together and get to the office and try to salvage the day!" and then the "reality" of that situation struck:
The day was over... office hours were passed... there was nothing I could do to "salvage" ANY of it. By now, the office should have been opened, run and closed! Either somebody had realised that I wasn't there and had gone in and run it or nobody realised that I hadn't been there and it just never opened... in any event, there was no sense in my going in there now. After all, what was I to do? Open for two hours when nobody would know that I'd opened? And what if I DID? The other office was closed already so I could call to say I was there. As a matter of fact, there was nothing to be done about any of it until tomorrow...
BUT... I kept going, trying to put me together to go into the post office....
I needed a shower, after being in bed all that while, but couldn't get into the tub for all of the what-ever that was in there. I went into another room where there was an old-fashioned bureau/chest of drawers/vanity-with-mirror and there, found a bottle of some kind of "treatment" that I'd been given for my hair (the recent "tea-tree oil" application on my scalp was now some-what in play in all of these dreams...). I read the label: "Rinse. Dark Brown".I didn't need "dark brown", and this was TRULY DARK brown. I wondered why the doctor had given me this colour but it was all that I had and so, I applied it... It was almost like a shampoo of sorts, but it could be left in and had to be brushed through.... I grabbed an old hair-brush on the chest of drawers... It wasn't mine, and it had some old grey hairs in it... probably from the previous old woman tenant. I pulled the hairs out and proceeded to use it on my hair thinking of how disgusting it was, using that brush on MY hair! But it was all that I had available and I didn't have time to get another one... the day was passing and I had to get to the post office... and hopefully nobody noticed that I just didn't go in!
As I brushed my hair, which was OBVIOUSLY DARKER BROWN that it actually was, the "rinse" had darkened it and it was obviously a dye of some sort... all mono-chromal, no variations in colour, AND it was almost sort of "matted", as though the "rinse" were some sort of "oil" I kept thinking that there was no sense in going through all of this to run to the office... and, IF anybody HAD noticed that I hadn't been there this morning, since they didn't bother to phone, well then... either they'd just let the matter pass or I'm "officially fired" anyway. In either event, I was giving my-self the most useless and inappropriate anxiety... BUT... I kept on until...
In the immediate dream, as I put the brush down, I realised that I was STILL IN BED... AND THAT THIS WAS A DREAM I WAS HAVING...
AS I WAS ACTUALLY STILL LAYING IN BED DREAMING THIS DREAM...
AND AS ALL THE DREAMS WERE COLLAPSING, AS IT WERE, INTO ONE-ANOTHER, THE 5.30 ALARM SOUNDED AND I REALISED THAT I NEEDED TO GET UP BECAUSE IF I DIDN'T, I'D EITHER STAY IN THAT STATE OR SIMPLY FALL OUT OF ALL OF THIS DREAMING AND GO BACK TO SLEEP AND MIGHT OVER-SLEEP AND ACTUALLY BE TOO LATE TO WORK THIS MORNING!
Now, at 4.30-something, when I woke, of my own, I wasn't tired and had actually started to think about just getting up to put the kettle on... but NOW... an hour later, and after all of this dream-in-dream-in-dream I WAS EXHAUSTED and it was A MAJOR effort just to reach over and shut the alarm off... I had to FORCE my body up and out of the bed!
And there we have this morning's start!
Now then, the fact of this morning... It IS Monday... the mail volume probably WILL be the normal "heavy"... the PB metre DOESN'T work properly so, first thing I have to do is figure THAT out because I have TWO parcels that SHOULD have gone out on Saturday and I don't have all the paper-postage for them... well, I do, but one of them is a re-used plastic mailing bag that won't hold the stamps... thanks "Madame Bissell" and her coming in just before closing... FUKTARD! And, I AM down to about 3 money orders, AND I'd turned the computer off on Saturday so it's going to take time to get up and running this morning... ADD TO THAT, I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHEN TO BRING THE TRUCK IN TO THE GARAGE TODAY... AND THE MUFFLER PARTS HAVE TO BE IN THE TRUCK AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT THE EXHAUST WILL FIT THE TRUCK... NOT TO MENTION THE RUST SITUATION OF THE UNDER-CARRIAGE AND I DREAD THE THOUGHT OF HOW MUCH THAT'S ALL GOING TO COST BECAUSE THE OIL NEEDS CHANGING AND I'M PRETTY SURE RICHIE'S GOING TO COME UP WITH SOME EXTRA CHARGES FOR A BRAKE JOB THAT HE'S ALREADY DONE AND FUCKED-UP... NOT TO MENTION, I'M PRETTY SURE HE WON'T FINISH THE JOB TOMORROW...
Yeah... it's one of "THOSE" sorts of days... No wonder people have heart-attacks on Mondays... BUT...
Fact is: there's nothing I can do to change what-ever will be... AND I was going to stop by and ask Dan if he'd run me back from the garage today... it's supposed to be quite cold... and there's snow on Greene this morning, I see... and I didn't go to talk with Dan yesterday... and I don't know when I ought to bring the truck up to the garage... and there's the matters of the door latch and them pulling the handle out of the door even worse... the relay was never put in... the "registration" sticker isn't replaced... .the inspection is due and I'm not sure I'll pass that with the rust hole in the back door which, after 3 days rain might be all the worse... BUT... again... there's nothing I can do now to change anything that will come along so... it's another matter of it being as it was in the "Margot" and the "Jim" and the "shelter" days...
Just move along... "forward"... let the world do what it will, and deal with it as it happens... because even now, my chest is tightening and I'm thinking my way into an "episode" which I can't afford at all. - Monday morning... then again, for me... it's EVERY morning. - My hope? My "chance"? My "carrying on"?.... my little Heart-and-Soul... and now, it's 6.53 and time to get to him... PRECIOUS LITTLE ONE! - It's -2 now... going up to 2... with sun... but come Tomorrow through Thursday... snow... and -9 on Saturday night... as of now.... - Light snow on Greene this morning Fawn at McFuknutz' 12.43 Dan will come to bring me back from dropping the truck which started right up. And I backed it closer to the back door and put the exhaust in the back. There's mail waiting for tomorrow morning. LOADED. LATE. Not PROPERLY ADDRESSED. BUT 1st CASS IS DELIVERED. I DON'T/CAN'T CARE ABOUT THE REST. RELIEF... YONAH WAS BASKING WHEN I GOT BACK AND IS STILL BASKING... AND KISSES TODAY!!! I'm painfully tired again. 14.30 The truck is at the garage... left with Ben who said "I think it just arrived..." meaning the exhaust for the truck! Imagine THAT! I'm not hopeful. THEN blames "rust" for the brakes... A-FUCKING-GAIN. NOT HOPEFUL AT ALL! *** AND I SPENT ANOTHER 18 MINUTES AT THE SHIT-BOX... BUT TOMORROW'S MAIL FROM TODAY IS CASED. NOW... to ... life... AND MY LITTLE HEART-AND-SOUL IS OBVIOUSLY FEELING BETTER BECAUSE WE PLAYED AND GOT CUDDLES AND KISSES IN! 18.59 The truck is at the garage for tomorrow. There's just over 1k in the banque for the repairs. THE OIL IS JUST GETTING TOWARD THE 1st QUARTER TANK. THE HOUSE IS COMFY WARM TONIGHT. My Heart-and-Soul is tucked-in. Today Dan said that he'd heard that Amy and I were having at each-other today. We were talking when Ed Martin came in... about Bob... we weren't fighting but that word got round... even to Dan... who wasn't even at home! Imagine. the fux in this hole. Anyway... I'm going to hit Brits and ice cream... I'm tired. Off to the rack early. Hopefully no repeat dream like last night/this morning and no "up every 2-3 hours through the night. Hey... the mail is ready to roll tomorrow! Let's see how it works out. Tonight's chicken and rice... still too spicy. Next time, no spiced chicken. And I still have the "urge" for a BM but nothing comes through. That broken filling is still cutting into my tongue. I need dentures! I need a vehicle to get to a "proper" dentist! And that's today... at least the house is warm and there's oil in the tank and 900 toward the next delivery. 6,03/gal at present... fuck. Kerosene is 7,31! Dan heats with that! JEEZUS KRISTE! And he has a whole house! (and HEAP gave him the same as they gave me!) 20.24 15.Nov: 508 DREAM: In The City but another city of some kind... New to the area yet not. SO DNAGEROUS TO BE OUT AND ABOUT. On a subway ("A" but above ground as if on the "D" to Brighton") So few people. ALL were terrified to be out. got onto the train in a rush, not sure if going in the right direct. Next stop... I looked... no familiar, wondered if I was going in wrong firection Gof off following stop ha dto RUN UP stairs and corss over to other train !!! So many people suddnely Going up steep stairs, grey-haired but young guy with "Afro" coming down. Each of us watching our steps almost collided. Excused ourselves and then smiled, relieved that neiher was about to start a fight. It was hehart-breaking that everybody was so terrified of one another When I got on the train there were plenty of seats but I wanted on completely out of the way. It was "understood" NOT to sit close to anybody else for fear of being stabbed or otherwise murdered. I found one by the door. Had to "bring it down" to sit. Very tight, uncomfrotable. Asian woman at a gathering of people stayed after (not sure why) something fell in the sofa cushion, made a mess, green-yellow plastic bag I asked if she needed antyhing at market "Scad" brad seeds for bird shopping list I had litle money, not sure if she wanted me to get everything on the list including dog food for 30$ And that's how m y morrning began... as i woke from this... at about 4.00 Last night, up at mid-night and then the 2--hour cycle. Got up with the 5.00 alarm Tired but not... as usual. 1952 Out of work late... Cornfronted by McFuknut who's pissed because I can't get his stamps for him. Oh well... Later, I told him to shop on-line... and it'll be credited to the PO (tho the USPS site has shit there too) And Bob will be gone after the holidays (if he makes it that long) Nyserda came today... I migjt get a fridge! No telling. Snow in the forecast tonight. THe furnace is about to show its shit. Yonah tucked i at 18.45... He's feeling much better today. 2056 16Nov 14.18 WOke a t about 4.00 and laid in bed, dozing. Had a dream about arguing with people and yelling "You fucking people need to mind your own fucking business!" AND... SNOW !!! Enough to have to shovel before opening the shit-box. Of course, nobody came to shovel or plough. (John said the truck is in Richie's for tyres and inspection... He's not too happy with the work at Richie's any more either.) Got mail done. Put up the little board for the "locker" keys. Nancy came by to take the "Holiday Catalogue". McFuknut ordered his stamps on line (yay) John says he's going to want a LOT (he's know to buy 1k$ at a clip... lots of luck with that these days) I explained about the stamps and stock. Suerely it meant nothing. Closed late... 11.15 again.... chatting. YONAH IS BACK AGAIN! YAY! AND HAD A DIP IN THE POOL as I snoozed when I came back. I'm still so tired... I wish I could get rid of this fatigue! (And had a more comfortable chair. I'd order one now but I haven't heard from the garage about how much this repair is going to cost me. If I have to take another loan... I'll use the left-over for the chair.) I'm tempted to ask for another 1500 anyway... pay the truck, get the chair, give the rest right back. I don't want to though! Anyway... the SNOW seems to be melting... but the temps will remain close to 0 for the rest of the week so... we shall see... 22.25 17 nov Aquarium fish shrimp little lobsters... "L" shape. The algae was like "clouds" and the plants had grown like a miniature landscape. On little plant had grown to look exactly like a full grown tree. I was mezmermised buy it all. So beautifully peaceful and calming. Came in to the room to find it gone! Mother/woman scraped at the top of the dresser with her finger. You see this little guy? There's your trouble. a tiny, white, dead crab AND THE AQUARIUMS ON THE FLOOR BEHIND THE DRESSER!!! I WANTED TO SOB BUT COULDN'T. IT WAS TOO PAINFUL THINKING OF THE LITTLE ONES IN THERE, SUFERING BEFORE THEY DIED!!!! THE WOMAN, I THOUGHT, THOUGH ME SELFISH THAT I WAS SO UPSET ABOUT LOSING THE AQUARIUM BUT IT WAS SO PAINFUL THINKING OF THE LITTLE ONES... "SUFFOCATING" AND DYING SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY! To add to it, the room... the carpeting was soaked with water and the algae and plants.... behind the dresser/ I woke... clock read 6.05... I hadn't even heard the 5.30 alarm... 11.33 Made it in and out of theshit-box on time today!!! really! AND... balanced thebalance sheet! (Will have to put in the "753" temporarly but... that's fine) NYSERDA rang at 8.15... he forgot to check the furnace and water heater efficiencies. Will be back this evening at about 16.00 oh well... Nancy came by with the "PO catalogue" and a bottle of hand soap ZUM! (Yonah's house just made a "settling" sound beside me... THE DREAM !!!! NO !!! He's no in there so that's good... but now... I'll worry. I need a board to put between the house and shelves! I NEED THE TRUCK... and there's still no word... I'm having "not good thoughts about that.) 18.22 Ms. VtQ HAD to come to the door to get nosey... attitude "You brought a stranger up stairs." FUCK YOU! But the guy handled it perfectly, telling her of the offerings "Did you clear it with Alden?" she asked me. HE told her that THEY clear it all with the landlord. And he gave her a number to call. FUCKKING nosey shit. BUT now somebody else knkows what a qunt she is. New shelving for Yonah's room. Took the shelving from the liviing room. set the horses up for the shelf there. The duct tape that I put in brought the house up to 80-plus% efficiency! (With the door-fan to draw through the house.) Even the NYSERDA guy was impressed. 2104 18Nov: 6.23 Up at 5.55 again this morning. That heating pad at the feet has been working so very well. I wonder why. Not asking. 2053 Been feeling exceptionally horrid all day... fatigue! Will call UnitedHealth to see about oral surgeon Wait until the truck is paid and then... Meanwhile... will be trying salt water instead of peroxide... read it's better. Off ott bed. NOT looking hforward to tomorrow at the shit-box 19 Nov 12.16 KILLED me to leave for work this morning. Yonah was in BEAUTIFUL spirits. I visited thrice... To Hell with the damned PO AND... I got out of that shit-ox at about 11.50! DONE! FUKKIT! BEAUTIFUL SUNSHINE Spoke about Richie and "services" with Jeff and Alvin... can't wait for word to get round. Seems Alvin too, had to wait 2 weeks for a tyre change and even then... it took longer. 18.28 the fingers in ==on my rught hadn are SORE AGAIN tonight and I don't know why! Can't type agaun. 20.42 salt water rinse 2104 Mon.12.Nov: 4.31 Don't ask... I don't know how or why, but I woke before 4.00 and just couldn't fall back to sleep. So, I surrendered and got up out of the bed, went to pee, put the kettle on and here I am... at kitchen table... in the morning darkness, with coffee, having also washed 3 kippot. (My hands smell wonderful.) And I'm in from first smoke du jour as well... in the -9/-14° of the day. And I'm restless... as usual, and disgusted with my-self... being so far behind in all the journallling. August really threw me off. This piddling job has thrown me off. The constant fatigue is throwing me off. And the ROCK in my chest/stomach is throwing me off. - This morning, a thought came to mind that I can't seem to shake. I remember in St. Pat's that the nuns had a theory that the "last day" would be on 1 Jan. 2000. The world would be thrown into darkness. The "evil" would take to killing themselves off and when they'd done, peace would take the world that remained... and there would be "Heaven". As I think back... the insanity that is today, began with the panic of "Y2K"... and shit has ruled ever since. I wonder... But the whole transition was to have taken place over the course of 3 days... it's now 22 years and going on 23. But nothing has been "right" since the panic of "Y2K"... Anyway, I wonder... and ponder and... - And I think back to the days, on Valentine av. mostly, of getting up, making coffee, sitting at table and writing... lettre to mother. I looked forward to being up before sun-rise, and writing. These days, I don't even want to type. And even now, with getting up before sun-rise, the days slip by, no matter how many hours, no matter how long... BANG! Gone. Am I slowing-down that much? Or is my brain just rotting away? And what's with the pains in the chest? What-ever... "Old"... and today is the 68th anniversary of the day the "parents" married. What a fuck. - 7.59 "EX 210", probably Margaret the ex-PM, was sitting out front for about 10 minutes... as I stepped out for a smoke (my Little Heart-and-Soul already attended... MY LOVE !!!!) she pulled away...
SHE LEFT A STACK OF ENVELOPES TUCKED BEHIND THE BLUE BOX, AGAINST THE WALL!!! THREE SLOTS ON THE PO BOXES FOR OUT-GOING AND SHE LEAVES THEM OUT! I'm leaving them until 9.00. THESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKED-UP!
Anyway... it's still bitter cold out there. I'm in NO rush... Time with Yonah. What a way to start a day when I'm not looking forward to calling Richie about the truck (I'm more worried that it won't start in this cold and the rust on the door, really), and I've put in the order for Nancy's cards and stamps (at almost 100$), AND calling United Health about dental surgery. Oh... Monday... cold... and THE FURNACE IS RUNNING LIKE CRAZY and there's STILL a CHILL in the house... and Winter hasn't yet arrived! Here we go! - 20.37 Well... it was a WONDERFUL day with Yonah... AND... the mail this morning? I'd put 32's into 31's box. She just took it out and left it there! Fine. - Hectic morning (Monday) but out on time because I didn't bother with the Money Orders. - Speacking of which... Nancy came by left a cheque for the order and made it to the USPS. WHen I texted to say that I couldn't take it (explaining that I'd paid iwth my money) she suggestedI simply change the "Payee"... can you imagine? She's quite "simple" about quite a bit. But came and gave me a cheque anyway... which I deposited into svgs... thanks to Dan who gave me a lift to he CU AND to the market where I did a NICE shopping (for OVER 100$ FUCK!.. thankfully I'd somehow amassed over 400 on the FS so. 288 left. I wish I could convert that to fuel oil! Anyway... Made meatloaf for meal this evening... Tasted like shit, and at 6$/lb of that shit beef.... well... fortuantely 2 2more meals left.
The TRUCK... Rang Richie who answered right away and said that they'd ordered brakes on Wed, just arrived... truck not ready yet. But "We'll have you on the road for the holiday." FUCKING BRAKES AGAIN! I'M FED THE FUCK UP! TIME TO GET THE BODY OF THE TRUCK TOGETHER AND OFF TO ANOTHER MECHANIC. DONE! FUCK! HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH THE BRAKES... AS BAD AS VT!
Well then... Rock in the chest tonight... My fingers are "cramping" too for some reason. I thought, this morning... I was in MUCH better health, over-all, when I was drinking. But... too much risk... And Yonah was SUCH a PURE JOY ALL DAY! So... I have to work on the smoking I suppose but then again, I don't want to play with that too. - Time to hit the nightie-nigh-night now. Hopefully I won't be up at 4 again tomorrow. - Quitecold out there byut only -3 I belieive.... not -13. 22Nov 12.26 Avery is out-side... I DIDN'T CALL FOR OIL! Let's hope it's a mistake and the delivery is for next door... I'm not paying for it! They can give me back the oil they gave to Joan by mistake. I'll see where the bill goes... and whether or not I get an invoice. 21.03 UPS FUCKED UP TONIGHT... SUB-DRIVER DELIVERED YONAHS FOOD NEXT DOOR! I GOT THE MESAGE AND WENT TO GET IT AND REPORTED TO HARRISONS AND ACTUALLY GOT SOMEBOY ON-LINE AT UPS WHO ACTUALLY HAD SOMEBODY CALL ME! IT'S AMAZING HOW THEY CAN PIN-POINT WHERE THE DRIVERS ARE! THE GUY ON THE PHONE LOOKED AT THE HOUSE ON-LINE AND THEN ACCUSED SOMEBODY OF COMEING TO THE PORCH TO STEAL BUT THEN "DISMISSED" IT BY SAYING THAT IT'S UP TO "HARRISONS" (THE SHIPPER) TO PERSUE. FUCKTARDS. Meanwhile... And tomorrow morning Ii'm going to check the oil situation because, I've learnt that if Avery delivers here by error... by law, I'm responsible for the charges! Aint that a fuck! (Of course, I'll go to HEAP and see what THEY say should I get harged. Tho, if they did deliver to me,, she gets a "top-off" and I doubt anybody checks the tank so... time will tell. Of course, there's always the possibility that Avery made a mis-delivery and today they came to pump it out of the tank... so I'm going to MUST check the tank tomorrow. Right now... I'm off... I have to "balance the office" tomorrow... Jolly shit 23Nov: 7.18 Woke to DISASTRE at 5.30.... Yonah's moon light, a-top his house, ON... RED !!! WHEN I STEPPED IN, HE PANICKED! WHEN I GOT TO HOLD HIM, MY LEFT HAND HAD BLOOD ON IT! I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, BUT THAT BRILLIANT RED LIGHT MADE ME SICK. THEN THE BLOOD! I did manage to calm him... and he came into the kitchen with me, on my shoulder, as I put the kettle on. Then on the back of the kitchen chair. Then, flew back to his house. He's "settled" now.... I'm still sick from it. JUST CHECKED THE OIL... THEY DID FILL THE TANK! CAN'T IMAGINE HOW MUCH IT TOOK BUT 80 GALLONS AT 6$ IS 480$ WHICH, IF THEY TAKE FROM HEAP, LEAVES ME WITH 496$ WHICH WON'T COVER ANOTHER 100 GALLONS!!! With the misdelivery of Yonah's food yesterday, then this morning's blood, add this to the anticipated expense of the truck (which is STILL at the garage)... it's quite the morning. I'm in NO mood to tolerate the in-breeds in this shit-hole town this morning... and then, an e-mail from Deborah and her "testing for covid" again. Well... it's off to balance the PO this morning, attend to what-ever bull-shit fuckerie there, and when done, close the doors and windows, take the phones out of service and fuck the rest of it all until Friday... when I'll have to tolerate "Bob"... There's another delivery due Friday... the lamp parts for Yonah's lighting. Can't imagine where THEY'LL be delivered to! And I'm the one perceived to be the moron. Alas.... 20.09 YONAH'S JOURNAL.... THIS eening, UPS deliered a parcel addressed to 6690 Ste1... one of the locals... who shoul dhave used her home address... she's on the route... no proper address... just the one for the PO! I'm livid! Deb sent and e-mail AND called. I've had the ringer off all day. She left a message... all "caring". I can't really tell if she's sincere or not at this point but I'm just in no mood for anybody really. Suddenly feeling "epidodic" and can't tell why but getting ready to tuck-in on Yonah' futon or the night. I'm actually quite terrified about his possible injuries... Hopeing it wasn't some sort of bang from the qunt next door in the middle of the night... and there'd better not be one tonight... I'm really in a state where I can pull "insanity"... I'm fed up tonight... with all of this shit. Thu.24.Nov: 18.56 The house is settled, the furnace is running. It isn't "bitter" out there but just at that "cold/damp" tonight. I slept, on Yonah's futon, until 7.29 this morning! And honestly, I could have slept even longer but Yonah was up and so... we had a day ahead. I managed to get his pool cleaned and vinegar flushed. He took a bath this afternoon. Deb sent a message about "blessings and prayers". I had the ringer off all day! And thankfully, nobody came round. Made another batch of chicken and rice. Turned out OK. Didn't get to the laundry though. But was on the move, save for 30-minute snooze later this afternoon. Ordered another printer... from Walmarde... THIS shuold be ineresting to see where it goes. I'm SO FUCKING RIPPED-pissed ABOUT THIS BULL-SHIT! AND the package in the living room that was delivered here yesterday. Tomorrow, I'll bring it to the attention of Liztoon... if Kevin is there. No sense trying to settle with Crystal. NOT looking forwrad to tomorrow... the "native in-breeds" and the dolt carrier. I'm alaready getting hsick thinking about it. This evening... heated veggies at abotu 16.15... sat to meal at 17.00 and by 18.00 the washing-up was done and another change of water for Yonah's pool. It's a wonder I get any nourishment from anything at all. I need a beard trim and hair cut... don't care. And now... settling... Yonah is tucked=in... I'll be on his futon again tonight. No "panic in the dark" again! Tomorrow... will attend to itself as it goes. The truck is ready. We'll see if the garage is open and Dan will run me to the banque and garage. If not... one or o the other... then... not. I can't care... really. Sorry I didn't give them the relay. But... we'll see about that too. Hey... it didn't cost me the 1500 I was expecting! 21.11 and off to another salt rinse and ... 25Nov 18.30 Made it to the shit-box on time Keving broought the mail Chatted about the troubel with Bob Checked my stock the whiners are "99% of the trouble at the Elizabethtown PO". He took the UPS parcel... said nothing. Took the 1412 from Wed. with the "Balance Sheet". Harry came in to say he'll be in tomorrow for MO fucktard Richie wasa closed all day! This evening Deb came by and offered to bring me up to fetch the truck so I'd have it We did... I called and left a message for Richie. Will HAVE to go to the banque on Monday to get him his money! But the truck ishere... the new muffler isn't much quieter but it's there. Brakes? The usual. No improvment Oil pressure is high I'm hoping the rough drve back was cold oil. Bt the truck is here. Had to order 2 more pumps for Yonah's pool. The oen there burned out. THANKFULLY I had a spare... and now the money to order more! The Bigot showed for the mail today... all sweet. I just handed it the tub of mail and sent it on it's way. "We're not here longh this time and will be back after the holidays." NO "courtesy" for the shit. And now, more than ever, I don't care if they come in to tell me to leave the office. The truck is done... Inspection and relay and done done... Hopefully oil will be covered for the winter but there's always "Emergency HEAP" for that. ANd a rise in SocSec come Janauary We shall see... But Ii really do NOT want this job any more. 21.15 26Nov: 6.22 Restless sleep last night. And Yonah was up at 3.00. His quiet "HOO!" So soft. But it woke me. I'm exhausted this morning. Quite. NOT NOT NOT looking f orward to the shit-box today. 14.23 Anita Demings comes in at 11.40 with a BOX FULL of cards... stands there, at the window sorting: NR, Etown, Out... and small talks. I wasn't "rude" but succint: Wouldn't want it done to you but it's OK to do it to others. come in at closing. So I went about my reports, she sorted everything and muttered Merry Christmas as she left. Now I await the whining. But I got out on time! And now.... Yonah's new light fixture is done (took an HOUR!) Work clothes on the line. 2 Ball jars in on a boil. Oh... and the NEW pump stopped working whilst I was at the PO Managed to get it running again. but no telling for how long... SHIT! Poor Yonah... on his loft. But the sun shone... that's good. 19.03 Yonah is tucked-in... The shapries arrived today... imagine the fuck out of that! Butterflies tomorrow! I'm still really "off"... HEAVY in the chest and throat and pain in the right shoulder and arm. Been "off" fro since nap at 15.00... I slept on my left side... I wonder. But it's that pain and the nausea and the HEAVY in the chest. I'm thinking that tonight's malaise is the shit-box... I truly MUST get a budget back together and get the fuck out of there. It's no longer worth making me sick. But now... ice cream, Brit and Yonah's futon. And my head is itching again... that shit on the scalp. Can't remember what it's called by last night found something that it most certainly can be and it's caused by "stress"... and fatigue... Well? The shit-box is taking a toll... I'd like to be away form it for the holidays, but... I'm looking at right after. After all... my 'access" to shit is up for renewal come the 6th Jan as I'v ebeen informed today... "End of Detail"... SO? Great time to say "FUCK YOURSELVES" to this Hell-hole. 2123 27Nov 13.59 Got up at 5.30 this morning and decided to get on with the day even though I wanted to just sleep it all away. What-ever for? Didn't get much accomplished with the time... before my Heart-and-Soul woke at about 7.15. FOr the day? Dan came by as I was in the carsie... Broght back 2 bags of smokes! (More money I don't have, really). I did manage to get some black on a couple more butterflies. Went out at about 12.30 to replace the relay... FUCK ME... CAN'T GET THE OLD ONE OUT. BUT IT SEEMS TO BE FINE ANYWAY... AFTER ALL THE TEARING APART OF THE DASH AND SHIT. AND THERE'S A LITTLE SPRING FORM SOMEHTING... I THINK IT'S THAT "BRAKE" LIGHT... WHICH ISN'T PUT BACK TOGETHER YET EITHER.... THERE'S A LITTLE TRANSLUSCENT PIECE OF PLASTIC FOR THE LIGHT AND I JUST CAN'T GET IT BACK TO FIT... MY FUCKING FINGERS... I HAD TO WEAR GARDENING GLOVES FOR THE FRICTION AND FOR THE BRAKE LIGHT... NEVER MIND. SO... I JUST KEPT THE FUSE OUT, PUT THE FUCKING THING BACK TOGETHER AND BACKED THE TRUCK UP TO THE KITCHEN DOOR... PUT THE SCREW DIRVERS BACK... GOT THE LAST BIT OF CHEAP BLACK DUCT TAPE TO COVER THE "LIGHT". NOTICED SOMETHING "WET" UNDER THE TRUCK... NOT SURE IF IT'S A LEAK OR WHAT BUT.... TRANSMISSION OR TRANSFER CASE... WHICH EVER... THE NEXT REPAIR IS GOING T O BE A WHAMMY... AND I WANT TO QUITE THE SHIT-BOX! AND WINTER'S COMING SO... HERE WE GO ... AGAIN. But time with Yonah... I suppose... and it's a dark day, over-cast. Not terribly cold but cold enough for my fuking old hands. And Yonah? He was on the boxes at the end of the futon by the alcove... in the dark. I wonder what that's about. His UV light looks nice though. Well... on to the next dilemma ... of course. Haveing oatmeal. I'm tired... my right shoulder and arm are sore. My head? Putting cortizone on. Stops the itch. Not sure what else it does... No good, to be sure. 20.43 Mon.28.Nov: 5.47 Slept fairly well with Yonah, last night. Up once for loo, and once for a brief CONTRACTION in the right thigh... but that passed quickly, at about 3.00. From then, I laid on the futon, rather awake, in the dark. Looked at the clock/phone again at 4.00, and continued laying there, wanting to go back to sleep but didn't, really, until about 4.50... when I just gave up and got up. I felt rather fine at first, went to the loo, put the kettle on prepped for coffee and... IT STARTED...
The tightness in the upper chest and throat, the light-headedness... There's nothing "wrong" with breathing, though I'm a touch congested this morning. But my sinuses feel "packed" and my body just feels as though it's some-where else. I've had coffee and vits. Stepped out for a smoke. (Thankfully, no snow or ice... just wet, and not too terribly cold.) Came back in, sat at table, made the rent cheque for December... noticed I haven't received a gas delivery this month (hopefully today or tomorrow that will come)... an other-wise "typical" morning... BUT THE HEAVINESS IN THE CHEST AND THROAT AND THE LIGHTNESS OF MY HEAD, THE GENERAL "EUPHORIA" THROUGH THE BODY... it's disturbing, to say the least. Even writing the cheque was an effort. And too, this typing. And when I look-up the symptoms, on-line, all I get is "anxiety attack". This isn't "anxiety" (although the thought of the shit-box doesn't exactly "calm and soothe"). Could it be the teeth? It isn't "respiratory". No gurgling or wheezing. It isn't coronary... the pressure/weight/difficulty isn't in the "heart area". And all the while, the right shoulder-to-hand is still sore, as if after some sort of work. And nobody can figure this out. Well... to be honest, the condition of the truck doesn't help... the relay, flasher, indicator.. inspection, &c. But even that's not "anxiety". I just can't figure it... And so, a new day commences. - ************************************** RESIGNED ************************************** and tht truck is legal again *************************************** 22.34 caught up in paper work and copying info about the printer... Time to give this up and get a nap! NO ALARM TOMORROW!!! 29 Nov.... slept with Yonah woke at 6.30! More aggravation from Walmarde Spoke with "Protect our winters" and "Harrison's" Nothing of Journalling importance accomplished Message from Deb: eat the Walmade loss... imagine that! 22.14 late to tuckin for me 30 Nov... 7.58 Another night with Yonah... one small contraction of the right foot then sleep until i woke at 6.39! Feeling fine until vits. Now the throat and chest. DID NO JOURNALLING YESTERDAY... I'M ANNOYED WITH ME. Dreary, windy... this morning. What ever... MY LITTLE HEART-AND-SOUL IS IN GOOD HEALTH AND SPIRITS. 19.05 PAIN PAIN PAIN IN THE RIGHT ARM ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE THUMB! Walmart sent e-mail: "Retrun received. Refund processed"! A wasted sort of day. But the truck started. I should have let it run a while longer but it ws too cold out there. Oil pressure is below that "40" mark now. Will have to run the truck tomorrow... don't "need" anything btu I can get to town.... Kevin ran the NRPO again today. Had a nice chat with Amy as she waited for him to get to the office. I didn't go in. Won't bother him. Wonderfing what he'll do with my count sheets. Wondering if they'll be wiped off the computer... more than likely. And it appears the next door one is gone again... Hmmm... Still I'm curious about the oil delivery. Just waiting. Gas came today... almost 80$ 20 gallons. But I DID shower every day. Can't believe tomorrow's December... 2022 is GONE fuck And I'm still SO FAR EHIND IN JOURNALS AND YONAH'S PHOTOS! But tonight, the pain in the arm is sickening... and I'm going to have to sleep (try) in the bed. Can't imagine what's "wrong" in the right side. And to actuallly hurt in the THUMB on the right hand. Anyway... there we have it. 2122 to bed hating the very idea *************************DEMCEMEBR THU 01 5.50 UP... AFTER THE ALARMS TODAY.... NEW LOAN TRUCK SARTED AND RAN FROM HERE TO DEBS TO RICHIES AND BACK LOAN CALL AT ABOUT 14.30... IN THE ACCOUNT BY 16.00 COLD... INTERMITETNT SUN... FLURRIES... WINDY REFUND from Walmarde posted today 20.12 STILL behind in journals but so tired! Did "lemon basil" on the chicken breasts... with all the water in them... Bleh but edible. Have been "washing" my hands with peroside and the right hand BUBBLES and stings! I'm wondering if I didn't get some sort of infectiton in the cracked thumbs. To be seen. Tired... furnace running. Iice cream time... The Little Guy is tucked in with moon-lights... Another night in bed for me though... my arm and shoulder still painful. 21.52 02Dec: 7.06 BILLS PAID !!! But now my worries commence because there's still money in the account IN SPITE OF SPECTRUM RAISING INTERNET BY 5$! SOMETHING is lurking... waiting to take it ALL away! - Meanwhile, my thumb is still so sore. I wrapped it, last night, with "self-stick" but cut the circulation. Thankfully, I woke on time at about mid-night, to take the bandage off. Put it back on this morning and turned the thumb BLUE... so it's looser now, not as effective, the pain's back but typing is difficult... not to mention, that index finger on the right hand has a "split" and now, that too, is painful when typing. Oh yes... stomach too. Glorious day... "December". - I didn't get out of bed... AGAIN ... until almost 6.00. Oh well... Nothing on the agenda anyway. - 7.23 TOLDYA...POB RENT... OH WELL... DONE TOO. - 10.50 BILLS PAID! BOOKS DONE! THUMB SO PAINFUL! AND SICK FROM IT! BUT CARRYING ON BECAUSE MY LITTLE HEART-AND-SOUL IS IN GREAT SPRITS! 2130 SORE FINGERS AND THROBBING THUMB! TO FUNCKINGPRINTERS VYT A DESK CHAIR ON THE WAY AND A NEW "WRITING TABLE"(DESK) dec.03 6.00 coffee's done have had the first. The thumb is still throbbing this morning and last night soaked the hands in TAO with sox and the fingers are still cracked and sore. Thebroken tooth on the left is cutting the tongue, can't "fix" because of the fingers. The frunace runs 30-min cycles. Windy and drizzly and chilly out there in the dark. And I don't know why I'm up and about this morning. I can't really type without the thumb & that's what I need to do! - 21.25 Thumb still sore. Finger... OKeefes! WHY didn't I think of it sooner? helps with the cracks but not the thumb. 8 tea lights tonight... untill 23.00 It seems to help a bit... package out for tomorrow too. 1st pack of Glimmas Now to remember to run the truc =k tomorrow! dec04 7.01 Up at about 6.15-ish. Broken tooth on tongue, cracks on fingers, throbbing thumb, stomach, sinuses. Glorious morning. Furnace running. Tealites on. Thermo down to 64. Need to dosomething about the tooth. 0/-2. Clear. High of 1 today. Jolly. - 21.22 Made it thrught the day. More shopping including some "toothe repair beads" that iwll come next week. Manwhile, the truck started at 14.00 and I rolled into town to Kinney's looking for something for the thumb. 22$! for some shit. 5$ for some "Sport tape"... the tape is working quite well. THen quick to the market for a few items and back. MADE IT... AND the odometer on the guage cluster worked today too! YAY. - Thrice with the terracotta heater though. It's COLD out there and just at that DAMP COLD! But the terracotta seems to help keep the furnace off! - Packed the broken tooth twice with filler. Right now, it's OK. No cuttig the otngue. But can't really rince or brush tonight. Will call United R/t dental tomorrow. Also... will phone USPS about returning to the office... let's see how that works out o r not. (I ownder if there's heat over there tonight... I'm more worried about freezing plumbling!) - Anyway... the thumb is better... the cracked fingers are MUCH better but I'll go get more OKeefe's tomorrow... didn't get any today. - Off to bed... 05Dec: 6.25 I don't kneo why, but I got up at 5.20... Have been trying to put "order" into this kitchen, putting away the "Pharm" stuff in the "Pharm" box. finding tooth-paste and ointments, tapes and such. "Impulse purchaes"... when I can, I buy... in bulk, and then forget. And am un-easy... all that's left, really, is to get the cabinet for the kitchen but 70$ just strikes me as... too much. WHY am I putting this place in order when I'm falling apart? This morning, the usual "woozy", the thumb is throbbing a touch, the right arm is weak at the elbow again. The "filling" in that broken tooth broke again already, and I neither brushed nor rinsed before bed last night. Slept with sox on hands again, O'Keefes. Just feeling "falling apart" this morning. Un-easy about everything Iooked forward to this morning. Oh, but it's just another "typical" sort of day. "Age"? Or am I "thinking my way into it"? I have to wonder. Turning into my neurotic ancestors... at last. Worrying because there's nothing to worry about... and I'm forgetting something I need to worry about. And the terracotta is lit, the furnace is still running. I foresee having to spend the new loan on oil. Fuck me... it would. After all, as I thought: I can't "have" simply to "have"... never worked that way. Oh well... "Monday"... I suppose. - 16.51 Napped for TOO many times today. - no heat in the PO again. I brought the little heater to Kevin. He didn't want it. Said I'll come back until he gets a PSE. Nothing "encoraging". I believe they're working on closing the office now... esp. since the no heat situation. Managed to get the boxes in the living-room sorted and gabage/recyc for tomorrow together. I NEED to get to the skip... and need to get red tags. Tomorrow. Right now, meal on the hob, the house is hoovered. BUT I'M FEELING HORRIFIC! SO HEAVY IN THE CHEST! JUST REALLY HEAVY IN THE CHEST! The back tooth still has some filling in it so it doesnt scrape the tongue but the filling is loose and the tooth moved, The thumb is throbbing a bit but taped. I'M FEELING HORRIFIC. BUT... NO ER TONIGHT! NO NO NO NO! Ordered the "hutch" for the kitchen... I NEED TO STOP THE SHOPPING BUT... after this, there really isn't anything more I want/need. Nothing like feeling closer to Death and furnishing... after three years... I'm about to be FUCKED! 18.54 Yonah is tucked-in... and I'm feeling a touch better... funny how evening meal does that. Thumb is out of the tape because of dish-washing and feeling a tiny bit better. Maybe it's better with-out the tape all day? Will have to check. Meanwhile... I'm about to have ice cream... MUST to brush and rinse and RE-PACK THAT TOOTH. Next week... the "plastic beads" come... Let's see how THEY work. Oh... rang United Health... (a) Could barely hear the "rep"... (b) heavy accent... (c) NO COVERAGE if I go to a LOCAL dentist. What the fuck? So... Maybe an ER visit? Or... next "general physical" have Demuro see the teeth and MAYBE he can wangle it for "NECESSARY" (dentures). I don't know. I'm disgusted with all of this. 2122 06dec 522 THumb is taped. ELbow is throbbing. Stomach is "solid'. And... here I sit, wondering why I sit here at this hour. And it's Tuesday. - 19.13 Beautiful day... thouogh rain and chill and clouds. And didn't get to the skip. Lazy. Napped thrice... one was for 90 minutes! SO FUCKING TIRED! - This morning, McFuknut came by to ask why I left the PO. I told him "There are some nasty people in this town." "We were grateful that you took over." said he. Well... lok like tough shit Kevin was there again this morning. But they got the heat up again. Acocmpished? Well... took those old curtains off Yonah's "aclove" will replace with solid canvas (when I place the order). Otherwise? The "filling" on the broken tooth came out as soon as I sarted talking! Hope the "beads" will bebetter... next week. Thumb is still sore.... FUCK! Felt really rather awful most of the day. BUT YONAH WAS SO PLAYFUL AND NEST-BUILDING WIHT THE PEA SPROUTES wITH THE WAY Im feeling of late, I hope I can make it through the holidays! I really feel just about THAT poorly. Got Yonah's photos off the cameras... THERE'S SO MUCH WORK TO BE DONE ON THESE JOURNALS! The chair is due tomorrow... I HOPE there's space for it! SO want to just re-fill the tooth and fgo to bed but getting up at 3.00? NO... Or even 4.00... NO! Need to run the truck tomorrow too... RUN IT! Have a couple of things to get in town so... let's hope. The only thing "wrong" as of now is the cluster... Oh well... But my chest feels like it's moving about... and my stomach too... Sneezy... What the fuck? TIRED. I wonder if I'm getting enough actual nourishment. 07Dec 546 Up.Coffee.OATMEAL (because maybe putting food in the stomach will "help" with the "pain"... there). I felt fine until I actually woke up with first alarm which I turned off and waited for the 2nd. The stomach started as I laid there. Then, got up and the thumb started. Now my head aches. "Morning". I'm alive... because I'm in pains. But at least it isn't cold... just raining. "Winter". 1924 BOTH, DESK AND CHAIR ARRIVED TODAY DESK IS ASSMEBLED... NEEDS TIGHTENING AND ARRANGING BUT FITS! CHAIR APPEARS TO BE GOO BUT THE HOUE IS A MESS AND IM TIRED... No news this eve.. wokrf on the dsk 16-1830 MASSHOLE'S IN TOWN.... POIMG ABOUT IN THE CELLAR LOOKING FOR HOLES TO THE OUTSIDE SO HE SAYS.. NICE CHAT... NO MENITON OF PO. EVEN WHEN McFUKNUT CAME ROUND. ANYWAY... WE SHALL SEE THE REAL PURPOSE OF THIS VISIT BUT I'M TIRED. ATE MEAL AT ALMOST 19.00 YONAH IS TUKCED-IN AND HIS ROOM IS IN ORDER. Rolled into town.... 2 OKeefe's at Aubuvhon'ds (Kinney had none and couldn't order more!) Got some lidocane gel for the thumb. applied some. Will see if it works. BUT I CAN SEE THE DISPLACED TENDON! ICK! Quick Market Rolled back. Cluster working today in all this rain! 2100 PAINFUL THUMB 08Dec 613 The living-room is back in order... as much as is necessary at the moment. I think I slept well-enough last night... but was up at 2.00 and then again at 3.00... 4.30... and stayed in the bed until second alarm. Up. Kettle. Coffee. And to the living-room. The old "window table" that used to be the "desk" is at the window. Still no room on the kitchen table. And the chair is waiting to be assembled. I'm not thrilled with the chair but hopefully if will come together. Felt "OK" in the stomach when I woke. Had coffee. Took vits. The stomach is in "revolution" now. Thumb? SORE! The ACE bandage on last night.... not sure, can't say if it helped. But the thumb is taped again and throbbing. Need to get to the skip today... need the other stickers too. Oh well... All things in due course. I believe more stuff is due today. SURPRISE! STILL need a fountain for Yonah. 19.07 Worked all day in Yonah's room took out the shelves assembled the bankers chair IT FITS! One falw in the one arm. THEN went at the cardboard and styro and the styro was a MESS! HELLISH with sticking all over! See Yonah's tree Wondering if I'm not anemic... so tired. The general mailaise and pains. Looking for Geritol. Had beets with meal tonight. They used to help. Thumb made it thru all the BS Masshole showed at the front door at almost 1700... pushing insulation in the cellar wall again! WTAF? 2126 09 23.19 not sure why I'm awake... But got out of bed at amost 700 this morning Yonahs Jurnal 10 21.44 Kithen cabinet arrived! Didn't get up until 7.30! Felt like SHIT ALL thruogh the day Ran at abotou 1500 to Kinneys' for GERITOL LIQUD (and to run the truck) Sorted an cleaned old papers this mroning 11 1520 ROBIN! In the snow... in the lot across the Hill! 21.09Up at about 630Y Yonah up at 7.30 CALLED ME AS I WALKED INTO HIS ROOM! FINALLY got alll the ardboard and styro ready for the skip! SNOWED fine all day NOT feeling at all well... Just REALLY "OFF" not much appetite for franks, noodles, veg meal... an yoghurt almost made me vomit. What now? NEED a shower really NEED... not tonight. It's -4 out there but the house has taken the chill... 12 547 Why? Why am I up and about? I don't know. But here I am... with the stone in the throat, needing a BM, sinuses plugged, head in a place "other" and... BUT... the house is in order... for now. And there's about 6cm snow on the ground and the ploughs have been through, of course they have. And I'm pondering a sweep of the porch... "pondering"... and the thumb is still sore, the shoulder is "sickening" and it's another Monday. And I HAD to put the heat up... 66F was just a tad too chilled... not so much for me as for my Little Guy, upon whom all days rest. - 14.14 SUNNY and I made it to Town Hall for the "proper", red stickers (even though I have enough green for double on the 4 bags of garbage tomorrow) BUT the ATM screwed up at the credit union, taking 60 out of chequing which wasn't there... by 3,50, and it took the money from savings! Now... my book-keeping is fucked and I have more cash in the house (30) that I don't want! Oh... - AND THIS "STATE UH THE AHT FURNACE" IS FUCKING SHIT! 19° IN YONAH'S ROOM THIS MORNING AND WITH THE THERMOSTAT SET AT 70F... 22° WITH THE SUN SHINING IN! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! - Well... off to try to "keep the books". - And my thumb is taped. - Oh... yes, the truck had snow on it today. Thankfully, it started right up and ran, but the wiper blade on the driver's side popped off! Always something. - But Yonah and I are together now... - 19.00 Feeling SO DAMNED TIRED Bought thw rong sze grabage bags! 8$ FUCK ME Burger for meal... one package one burger 5$!! Now... SO TIRED! 19.16 Something in the wood behind the Teeds' is CALLING... looked it up... yes, as I thought (where I get these 'instincts' I'll never know... some 'connection'?)... a deer... probably being attacked... possibly by a bear. 13: 6.26 Had a strange dream: Was in a little shop in MTL, with VIV. We were both quite broke, and she'd come to visit me at my place (which was quite messy because, well, I was quite neglectful of the place). Anyway... we were looking about for some pastries &c. and the shop owner's wife was chatting with us when she recommended some little delicacy (in Italian) and Viv knew right away what they were. Little fishes, like smelts. But they were costly! So I thought we could get, at least, 2 but when I started to think about them, the shop-owner's wife gave me a look as if to say she knew how little money I had. So I half-jokingly said, "Oh, I know. I have ceiling." meaning, a limit to what I could spend. Suddenly, there was some sort of "chanting" coming from the back of the store and the owner, a heavy-set, older Italian fellow, came round with 2 younger guys and they were "chanting" something about being there for the customer and how we were their business and that they would do what they could to make their customer happy. And we started laughing together... and I woke. Right now, thumb hurts... the stomach REALLY hurts this morning. My bowels seem to want to do something but won't. I took the Senocot last night at 19.00 and by 7.00 I ought to have a BM but... coffee isn't helping and I don't dare to take vits. this morning yet. I'm really feeling awful. Not to mention, I have an "odour" in my nose... "old, dirty, almost-homeless". I hope it isn't ME. Trash day today... I hope. AND IT'S 2 YEARS, 2 MONTHS WITH MY LITTLE HEART-AND-SOUL TODAY! Cold out there. The furnace is running as usual. And this morning, as I stepped out for smoke, off over Greene, just above, a brilliant "red star". 16.54 GARBAGE GONE! CARD-BOARD GONE! MAC'N'CHEESE DONE! I'M SO EXHAUSTED! BUT... IT'S DONE! I DON'T BELIEVE IT BUT IT'S DONE! FUKKIN FORGET TO PUT PEPPER IN THE MAC'N'CHEESE! BUT... What I'm more concerned about is all the diary AND the FAT! Cheap cheese... so much OIL! Oh well... - Feeling "winded" too... heavy in the chest. It's one of those days where I swear that if I'd just lay down and let go... 18.34 FINALLY... the house is settled... I mean... settled. The macncheese wasn't bad. Could have used a bit more seasoning, spices, but quite filling! NOT bad at all. And tonight, I was thinking about a shower but too tired... SO MUCH LAUNDRY to be done. BUT... Yonah's canvas arrived in PERFECT condition today... tomorrow... we hem. And the dental beads too... a TINY TINY zip plastic bag. TINY! But if 12 beads do a tooth... we shall see. I'm SO SO SO SO tired tonight. I could go to bed now... but no, because I'll be up at about mid=night. Not doing that. Tomorrow... 2036 Here we go... let's see when we get up... oh... the Senokot? Just made the stool soft... and gave me gas. 14 5.47 and I've been up and awake from since... well... 2.00 and then 3.00 and then 4.00 which is when I got out of bed. Why not? And now I could go back because I'm hitting the 2-hour mark and ready to go back to sleep. Coffee at hand, (and a rub-out for some reason... mostly just because I took the moment), stomach is kicking-in, of course. My hand is sore. Thumb is sore. Arm is sore. So, I lived through the night. I'm in pain. Probably could/should have made a wash but... Some of the fruits for the birds are washed and drying. Will put them out shortly. Hopefully SOME-birdie will enjoy SOME of them! There are things that ought to be done but... I just don't want to "do". I don't even want to do this journalling this morning. Typical of the mornings. I need a hair-cut, I NEED a shower. And I hope I'll have a BM this morning... soon would be nice. I have an odour too. Well... there's a day ahead. - 19.24 The "Pendaflex" and "diffuser" arrived this evening! I worked ALL day on balancing the books and still can't because of Amazon's "charge-off" protocol. Nordlander on Twats is "locked" because I commented that Fauci ought to be hanged. Fukkem! Yonah was an AMAZING COMPANION TODAY ALL DAY! I SHOWERED THIS MORNING! CLEAN CLOTHES TOO. Washed the canvas for Yonah's room... It's SO wrinkled! Travel IRON? TOmorrow... we'll see. I doubt it'll make any difference though. Washed the heavier Sherpa too... on the rack in the living-room. OIL CHECK: 3/4 tank ***** AND I LOOKED AT THE MANUALS FOR THE FUCKING FURNACE... IT'S A BLOODY *** HEAT-FUCKING-PUMP *** NO FUCKING WONDER IT DOESN'T HEAT THE FUCKING HOUSE! OH WELL... I still want the fan slowed and if I can't get somebody to do it, I'll do it m'self. HEY, at least all that garbage is gone. OH... BRADY'S FUCKING FELINE WAS BACK TODAY. I SET A "FISH TRAP" BUT IT DIDN'T COME BACK. I HAVE ******* NO ********* BIRDS HERE ANY MORE AND THERE'S A PILE OF DICED FRUITS ON THE FEEDER! I'M RIP-PISSED. But for now... time to settle the day... Yonah is tucked-in and I'm tired. Scrubs and sheets need washing next but there's a storm due... so they claim. Oh well... I can do the washing anyway. At least I got the book-keeping done and tomorrow... THE NEW FILE CABINET (which only just barely fits the hanging folders... FUCK!) 2130 15 6.33 Cat traps set. New bag in the trash bin. Scrubs and "whites" on the rack, washed. And I truly did NOT want to get out of the bed at 5.00 nor at 5.30 with the alarms. But... here I am. Thumb throbbing, shoulder aching, even the bicep quite sore. And the STOMACH... IN SPASM. BUT... THINGS ARE ROLLING. And the snows haven't begun... yet. And it's not so cold out there. But the "heat pump" is running as usual... FUCK! - 19.08 PAPERS ARE IN A FILE CABINET AGAIN! I HAVEN'T HAVE A FILE CABINET FOR ALMOST 22 YEARS! WORKED ON IT ALL DAY! ALL DAY!!! Yonah's fountain arrived! Touch larger than I'd like but the ficus fits on it and it took some re-arranging of the tubing but it's working! No "trickle sound" but movement in the pool so... Snow storm is "in the Catskills"... 2ft "wet snow" due. I just hope the electric holds (but I'm not counting on it.) My "stomach/throat" is SO TIGHT TONIGHT! (Oh... I drove the truck to the front of the house this morning c.11.30, loaded the saw-horses in the back with the old "70s" drapes that used to be on the alcove in Yonah's room... they're in a trash bag... and back the truck to the garage... the saw horses AND those hideous drapes are OUT!) Dan came by as I was having a smoke... showed me that McFuknut posted his "Employment Opportunity" on FB! With an OLD photo of the house... "2 hrs MF and 4 on Sat" I actually found the post on-line. These dolts are hopeless... its almost frightening to think that kind of mental illness roams freely! "Postal Clerk"! Imagine? CLUELESS! He's trying to hold the office open but... if Kevin has to keep the place running... they can kiss it goodbye and I don't give a shit. They're abusive... and clueless. Makes me sick to my stomach. Speaking of which... I'm wondering what the fuck is actually going on wrong with me! Just miserable again today. Whole body just... well... as I say: I've no doubt that if I'd allow... I could just go to bed and that would be the end of it all at this point. Ought to make an appointment for bood-work and perhaps a "GI" (since I'm obviously not going to get the colonoscopy). I've been wanting to do that for 3 days now... Maybe I'll call tomorrow... if anything is open. Got the terracotta going. The "heat pump" is doing a shitty job of keeping the place warm. (As it kicks on again as I type). Might crank it before heading to bed (soon). Tomorrow? We shall see what's in store. The snows should come and dump quickly over-night and then pass. But if there's a great accumulation... well... I've things to do around here... even if it's just snoozing with my little Heart-and-Soul. Hope to be in bed by 21.00 tonight... to get up during the night to make sure there's warmth in this shit-box. If not... move the terracotta to Yonah's room and we'll be together in there with the door closed. Deb was by today. Brought 4 avocados. Odd, but I used to LUV them. Now? I just look at them and wonder. She said that if the heat goes, Yonah and I should come down there. (Ah... but his old house is packed in the box again now.. No prob. If it means keeping him warm enough... We shall see what's to be.) 21.37 Cranked the "heat pump" up to 75F just in case... But tho the thermostat is quickly approaching... the house "holds a chill". Piece of shit. And no snow yet. I'm off to the rack. 16 16.59 Up at 4.00 but stayed in until the 5.00 alarm. Go up, looked out... a dusting of snow so I got to the morning.... put in a wash of jeans and a Henley. At about 6.30 laid down for a snooze and got up at about 7.00! SNOW SNOW SNOW HEAVY WET WOW! SO MUCH IN THAT 3 HOURS! Russian's car thought it was Kevin. They'd come during the heaviest snow-fall. Saw the foot prints thought Why would Kevin come and leave? I shovelled the ramp and around the car Kevin arrived at about 9.10. Said the car should be towed. True, that. Anyway... the terracotta was on all day Canvas Registre guard Yonahs TIghtened the desk nicely 18.44 Yonah is tucked-in. Made his futon for the night. Snows are falling off the roof and I want to be thiere if there's a major "THUD". That back tooth.. which I re-filled this morning because it was tearing at my tongue again, is bugging me. The fililng is loose again.. .ALREADY! TOMORROW.... WE TRY THE PLASTIC! AND (hopefully) a hair-cut beard trim... and SCRUB shower. I'm smelling "off"... not sure why. Something's terribly "wrong" with my body. Stomach is spasming again. Usually stops after a meal but not tonight. Probably something to do with that tooth. If I were still drinking, I'd have a few and have at that tooth. But... sobriety. And I don't want to suffer the consequences of drinking again. (I need to work on the smoking too! It's gotten out of hand!) SO tired! Almsot ready to tuck-in too... but can't too early or I'll be up at 2.00! Anyway... made it thorugh the day. Kept thinking today was Thursday! Tomorrow is SATURDAY already! Imagine? Yonah's sheets are due on Monday... I can hope. It would be nice to have them... esp. for the holidays. Tomorrow? Calendar works for 2023. I NEED TO GET TO THESE JOURNALS! TOO MANY EXCUSES... and fatigue. FUCK ME! 21017 17 Up at 4.00 in Yonahs NO POSWER.... FROM 2.00 UNTIL 16.45! 21.40 meal at 18.00 SO tired... and not well now. Had to sit up for a bit and no.... to Yonah's futon. HIS SHEETS ARRIVED TODAY! WASHING TOMORROW. Pissed... 30$ Eddie Bauer flannel... PRINTED PATTERN ON SOLID COLOUR! FUCK FUCK FUCK! and NOT really "flannel"! As for the power... I'd gone down to Dan's to see if he knew anything (at about 14.30). He's in such pain... 3 days of pain from his lower right side up. Said he'd been to the docotr, they took xrays and given him pills but nothing else. Can't figure what's causing the pain. Typical. Anyway, we sat for a little while, talking and I headed back up to the house as it was starting to get darker and colder. I decided to drirve down to Deb's, thinking she'd have some info. Got there... Nobody home. Imagine that. BUT... AS I PULLED OUT OF HER DRIVE, 2 NYSEG TRUCKS ROLLED BY HEADING UP THE MAIN. I STOPPED AND ASKED HOW MUCH LONGER: "45 seconds to a minute" said the guy. "We had to take down 5 trees and we're just putting it back on." I was thrilled! Got back to the house... Deb and Julio came or their mail. I told them what I'd just heard. It was more like 45 minutes to an hour though and FINALLY, at about 16.45, the power came bakc on! I set the furnace to 75F to REALLY put warmth into the house. It took until about 18.00 before the place warmed up again! "Heat Pump"... useless. But... it was good to have the warmth. Meal at 18.00 instead of 17.00 Poor Yonah being alone all day as I shovelled and such. But there was sun and the temperature statyed above 40F so... there was that much. Still... Set his futon up for me for tonight again... it was a horrible sort of silent day... for both of us. Oh... did BP and O2 after the shovelling... 114/70, O2 at 93, temp at 97F The shovelling didn't kill me though And John O was such a help! Ms. Nextdoor was "rescued" and spent the day at McFuknuts'. Vivian came to fetch her and said I could come over for a coffee.... as if I'd spend a day with THAT threesome! I'd sooner lay naked in a snowbank. 18. 11.23 Woke at about 7.30 this morning and still could have stayed there on the futon. So comfy and warm! But, Yonah was up and I had to get up anyway. The morning commencced.... routine and I put his new sheets in to the basin to wash. Not feeling at all well this morning. Pain in the right arm and thumb. Cann't understand it! SO tight in the upper chest/stomach too. And a bit congested. had another hour snooze though... Yonah's sheets are on the line... frozen, of course. I want to cut my hair, fix my tooth... put the pain is hindering everything. But at least there's heat, and a littl ebit of sun-shine comeing through the clouds. I just wish I knew what's "WRONG" in this old body! TOmorrow... I'll call for a MD appointment and see what's what... fuck. 21.21 off to Yonah's futon... the new sheets are finally dry... Tomorrow... ON THE FUTON! (See today's photo of the bird candle from Deb) 19 5.00 Imagine... I woke this morning, on Yonah's futon... from a dream: Something about being in "a" city... perhaps back in NY. It was living HELL! So dangerous. Couldn't walk out of the flat safely any more. Crime. Murders. The lot. I had to get on the subway to get to work and dreaded it! The trains were filthy! Blackened. Almost empty. Nobody travelled any more. We tended to stay in very few cars, not wanting to be alone. And even then, there was the fear, the dread, that a lunatic would be there or get in at some stop and slaughter us all. I;d gotten on in an empty car and had to work my way to an occupied car. I was either on the Flushing line or the D out of Brooklyn. The train careened, on an elevated track, round a bend, so fast that it literally tilted, horizontally, as it sped round the bend. And I thought: we don't dare get on the trains any more because one of these days, one will take a turn and leave the track as it goes round a bend! At one point, I was making a change, from one train to another and had to pass through a small, square, box-like opening. Filthy. Cement. Sooty. Damp. Just wide enough to slide through laying down. It was so narrow and I was fearful of getting stuck in it and... as anxiety took hold... I woke. I was laying on the futon in a horrible position. My neck hurt. I tried to get comfortable and then decided to get up and go to the loo, check the time. 4.14. I decided to stay up rather than go back to sleep... Here I am. And I got up feeling generally well-rested, fine. But... as I made coffee... my stomach wrenched. Another morning of pain in the chest. Well? I didn't die in my sleep... I'm in pain... and disgusted with the day already... and fatigued, not because of lack of sleep, but because of the pains... in the stomach, the hand, thumb, arm. Another morning. Today, hair cut... tooth repair... a trip to market. I want numbers for the oil pipes. I'm still trying to decide whether or not to use the Chanukah cards. Ev. Deb. John O. Nancy. I don't want to use them but.... Another day... SO much journalling now. And my hand is so sore. My stomach.. Need to re-new the Lipitor. Want to know what's wrong with my stomach. Want to know my blood-work. And I just don't want to be bollocksed with Demuro. Oh well... just... oh well. But Yonah's sheets are ready! And I want to be "clean" tonight for sleep... perhaps on his futon... through the holiday. My little Heart-and-Soul. 10.47 Yonah's new sheets on his futon. I CUT MY HAIR AT ABOUT 6.00 TOOK A GOOD SHOWER AFTER. HE CALLED ME AT 7.15 !!!! TRIED TO "FILL" THAT BROKEN TOOTH WITH THE PLASTIC BEADS AND ***SNAP*** THE TOOTH IS GONE! Managed to wash the beige flannels. On the line to freeze. APPOINTMENT WITH MD ON THE 28th!!! THANKFULLY, NOT DYING. But thumb still hurts... lavage didn't help. SUN COMING OUT! And flocons falling. Monday... Chanukah. Nothing's different. 18.50 THE BLOODY POWER WENT OUT FOR ABOUT 1 MINUTE AT ABOUT 17.40! MY HEART ALMOST STOPPED! FUCK! NOT AGAIN! NOT AT NIGHT! Made a roll into town at about 14.00. Truck started right up and ran well. Stop at Aubuchon's to look for the little numbers to but on the wall for the oil. Have to get another cover for the pipe! (Plastic bottle... I don't have... next trip to market... some kind of "beverage".) Bought another set of Chanukah cards so will make a few out tomorrow. At Aubuchons talked with Melissa (Mgresse). Always a pleasure. They have sand but every bag is frozen together! No prob. I didn't want to haul it anyway. MY RIGHT HAND WAS SO SORE! THROBBING! THE COLD. Market was quick. Didn't need much. Had a burger and "hash browns" for meal this evening. "Chanukah" fare. Anyway... not much sun-shine but thankfully not bitter cold. But there was a bit of snow in E-town when I got there. Nothing much. And none in NR. Imagine that. Other-wise... "accomplishments"? Well... the beige sheets for Yonah's futon are washed and are now in to dry. His new sheets look OK on the futon but another look and these are nothing like the ones on Amazon! SO BEIGE! There was another set, more on the grey-beige colours that would have been perfect, but "not available"... and 40$ the set! Fuck that! Since they're not actually "flannel" but more "brushed cotton". I got a reply from my message to Demuro. No blood work before appointment and the CoQ10 "if you're experiencing muscle pains". Never mind... I'll take it tomorrow. It should be taken in the morning... with something "fatty"... avocado! I can do that... I think... in the morning. Might help the stomach spasms. Still have those, even with that tooth gone. Anyway... I'm so TIRED right now. I could almost go right to "seepie-nigh-night" right now but... the "Chanukiah" is lit and it's WAY too early... I'll be up at 3.00 tomorrow. So just passing time for now. Yonah was a PURE DELIGHT all day today... active, affectionate. And this evening he told me when he was ready for "tuck-in". Now... they say CoQ10 gives energy... fights fatigue. Let's see... LET'S HOPE! 21.49 20 6.43 Woke, after a delightful night's sleep, on Yonah's futon, with a left foot spasm, at about 6.00... and today is DAY 1 of CoQ10... with morning coffee. Let's see about the "side effects". And some of that "Heat Lidocaine" on the shoulder. Well... it DOES give "heat". Let's see what else it does. The broken tooth is a bit "sore" in the gum. But it's not tearing the tongue. And, on cue, the stomach goes into spasm... just before coffee. We're awake... and "alive". CoQ10 reaches "peak" in 5-6 hours... Noon will be interesting. And I've some cards to write... and I just don't have the "seasonal sentiments" this year. I just don't. Too tired. Too "not well". Just "too". 19.26 Got the little "number plaque" for the oil done... not my best work. My eyes are fucked! Got cards written but can't remember Deb's PO nbr! Imagine? John O's wife neithere Printed photos of Yonah! For Eve and one for Deb. Printer prints llovely WHNE it prints. Not easy. That tooth is sore... hopeuflly just the gum! NO INFECTIONS! Salt tonight. So tired... but too early to tuck in Yonah is tucked-in though. Furnace is running. Shit! Not feeling "well" all day. Thumb. SHoulder. Now the mouth. Pains... Fuck me 2043. 21 5.10 on my own. had to pee. 5.43 3 traps set and on the porch. The floor towel on the soak in the basin. GERITOL and CoQ10 this morning. Let's see what THAT does to the day. Eh? Throbbing from shoulder to thumb and nausea. I'm awake. 16.30 A WREN GOT CAUGHT IN ONE OF THE MOUSE TRAPS SET FOR THE FLOODY-FUCKING CAT!!!! BROKE ITS LOWER MANDIBLE! I MMANAGED TO GET IT INTO THE HOUSE AND SEE IT'S LOWER BEAK HANGING... USELESS! GOT IT INTO YONAH'S OLD HOUSE AND DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT. AMY WAS NO HELP AT ALL... "EUTHANASIA" OR "SET IT OUT AND LET NATURE..." NO NUMBERS, CONNECTIONS, NOTHING. SO WE CAN SCRATCH THAT ONE FOR "FUTURE REFERENCE". BUT I DID MANAGE, THROUGH THE WESTPORT HOSPITAL AND A RE=HABBER WHO WASN'T HOME BUT SPOKE WITH HER HUSBAND "BILL" WHO RECOMMENDED "NORTH COUNTRY WILD CARE" AND *TWO* REHABBERS CALLED ME. DEBBIE SPOKE FOR ABOUT AN HOUR! BUT.. BY THEN, I'D LET THE LITTLE ONE OUT... HE WAS IN THE CAGE, ON THE LIVING-ROOM FLOOR, WANTING TO GET OUT. I'M NUMB RIGHT NOW... ABSOLUTLEY NUMB WITH THE ANGUISH OF THINKING OF THE POOR THING, OUT THERE, UNABLE TO EAT... OR DRINK... AND THE SUN IS SETTING. I CAN ONLY HOPE IT FINDS A WAY TO GET SOMETHING IT NEEDS. OTHER-WISE... I SPENT THE DAY ON THE PHONE WITH REHABBERS... THE ENTIRE DAY! Did manage to get 2 cards into the post ... they'll all go through Albany... thanks, Kevin. Deb, Nancy and Ev. DID manage to get Yonah's "wood toy" drilled and strung and hanging. AND WHILST I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH REHABBERS, HE CAME TODDLING OUT TO THE KITCHEN! THEN, ON MY SHOULDER FOR A WALK AND THEN, AS I RE-FOLDED HIS OLD HOUSE, HE ROOSTED ON MY HEAD, IN THE LIVING-ROOM! He was so active and affectionate... but he's calming down now... 16.37 having a bite to eat. Now I'm worried. He wasn't even the slightest impressed with the "other" LittleOne even when it went into his house! Of course, Debbie, Rehabber, mentioned that Yonah is here "illegally" and that I have to be careful to NEVER mention him to DEC! So... now my insides are in the rage of potential "notifications" or "visits". Let them come... they'll be responsible for TWO deaths... on that, I VOW! As I say, between the HATE for Bradys' cat, for whom the traps were set... and the threat agains Yonah... Numb. And Deborah? E-FUCKING-MAIL... "Sending hugs" when I told her of the wren/sparrow. Sending fucking bloody hugs. I'm DONE... Really DONE! FUCKKIT! FUKKEMALL! DONE! Now... "meal"... hashbrown patties with veggies. I didn't get bread or meat done today. 19.49 STORM DUE END OF THIS WEEK BEGINNING NEXT... LOOKING INTO PROPANE HEATERS! 100$ (LOAN MONEY) AM STILL SICK ABOUT THE WREN TODAY. FUCK ME... REALLY... THIS HAD BETTER NOT BE THE WAY WINTER WILL BE! IF NOT FOR YONAH.... Have to hope my Atorvastatin is in tomorrow... and have to seriously consider a trip t o Plattsburgh for th eheater... would like to get the trap/gun too. 20.36 22 5.20 Up at 4.48 and away we go. Heavy... because of yesterday's Little One. THumb is sore again, this morning and the Geritol CoQ10 is upsetting my stomach. 1922 WILL IS DONE again! Cookies from Amy! Cloudy all day Threats of MAJOR STORM Got to town... New meds... checked Aubuchon for heater... 200$! fuck that! And NO canisters Not feeling "well" a gain all day. Pain in thumb tip... arm too Nausea Fatigue... wondering wtaf is wrong having ice ceram brit... going to futon shortly will have to over-heat this place... just below the 3/4 tank oil will use the radiators to heat the place... no doubt... no power... fuck 2107 BirdmnAlcatraz 23 18.26 Up at 6.23!!!! Yonah up at about 7.28 light snow this morning turned to rain... SLUSH Out by 8.30 shovelling the PO then the front porch walk MAJOR FLOOD OUT FRONT TX JOHN A! FUKTARD HAD TO SHOVEL A DRAIN THEN... shovelled the oil pipe PUT UP THE "6690" AS IT WAS. Looks OK THEN.. had to shovel a DRAIN in the drive... again, tx Demings moved on to the back walk. The trap in the chimney pipe is "missing". I HOPE it's on the CAT! The other trap got another mouse. No more leaving them out at night! Just to make it more for the cat. E-mail from Deb. Thanks for the card. "And you mailed it!" Well... you send e-mails. I'm fed up. IN PAIN TOO, TONIGHT. THE RIGHT ARM! Managed meal but am sick. BAKED BREAD! GOT THAT DONE. House thermo set to about 74F BOTH radiators on too. Warming the house in case of outage. It's snowing again. Breezy. Gusts up to 50kmh. Not HORRIFIC but... In mere moments, the tempearture in the house drops. Had it up to 26 in Yonah's room and it quickly dropped to 24 as the temp out-side drops. No doubt, the truck will freeze in this. -28 chills expected. I can only hope that no matter what, the electric holds. Thankfully, the snows melted off the trees in the rains. SO TIRED tonight! SO DAMNED TIRED! 21.27 It's 23° in the loo right now! Haven't seen that since Summer! I'm in a t-shirt... Teeth brushed tonight and off to Yonah's -10/-18 dropping to -13/-24 from 3-7.00 24. 21.27 Worked all thru the day on calensars with YONAH! and now... furnace on 72F off to his futon... Still... IN PAIN 25 18.50 MORE PAIN ALL DAY SO TIRED... NAUSEATED TOO ALL DAY. GOT THE CALENDARS PRINTED TOOK A 30MIN SNOOZE TRUCK STARTED SO I RAN INTO TOWN, ROUND THE "LOOP" AND BACK. RELIEF! THAT IT STARTED AND RAN! SET ANOTHER TRAP THIS MORNING... BROUGHT IT IN FOR THE NIGHT. A COUPLE OF WRENS, SPARROWS, A BLUE JAY AND Mr. CARDINALE... I'D PUT MORE SEEDS AND THE REST OF THE FRUITS OUT FOR THEM. McFUKNUT LEFT A "CARD"... PHOTO, NOT HIS BEST WORK TO BE SURE. CARD IN A "BIZ ENVELOPE" LEFT AT THE DOOR. NICE NOTE. AS IF... I CAN'T EVEN FAKE "CIVIL" NOW. TOO MUCH PAIN, FATIGUE, NAUSEA. NOT LOOKING FORWAR TO WED. MD APPT. CONDESCENSION, APATHY... IT'S ALL I HAVE THOUGH. WISH I KNEW WHAT TO DO. *** NEED *** A SHOWER TOO! SWEATS ARE CLEAN. NO ENERGY. AS I SENT MESSAGE TO DEB: IF NOT FOR YONAH, I'D GO TO BED AND WAIT. OIL IS ALMOST TO HALF TANK. WILL CALL TOMORROW SEE ABOUT A FILL. HEAP COVERS HALF A TANK AT THE CURRENT RATE. OH WELL... WE SHALL SEE. 20.45 showered 26 6.34 woke at 4.30... left leg contraction had to pee then, on the way back to the futon, stubbed the left toes (THE BROKEN ONE) on the radiator at the door. Laid down... SUDDENLY SO NAUSEOUS I WANTED TO PUKE! Dozed back off... Just woke from a dream... In the house, looking out the window, two mourning doves... AND THE FUCKING CAT! They were walking up a white gravel incline outside the window which was almost at my eye level. The doves were quite large and when I saw the cat come after them I bolted out the door... TOO LATE! The cat had a dove in it's mouth and there was blood dripping out of it's jaw! I knew there was nothing I could do to "save" the poor dove and determined that I HAD to grab the cat NOW... would put it in a box and into the truck... this was my opportunity to get it away from the house! As soon as I realised that THAT was the way to get rid of the cat... I woke. And... as soon as I woke... my stomach cramped... I was awake. Yonah... check... 6.48 He was awake! (His journal) 8.45 It's been a morning... Yonah's set (until I get to his house-work today). I've had coffee. Disassembled the "Chanukiah"... washed the little votives. In the rack. I'm dressed. The furnace was running this morning... NON-STOP... FOR WHAT SEEMED ALMOST AN HOUR! I HAD TO TURN IT OFF WITH THE SWITCH. THEN THE THERMO DOWN. AS SOON AS I PUT THE POWER UP, IT STARTED RUNNING AGAIN... JUST RUNNING! WTAF? But Yonah's water and such are done. Lightest flurries this mornning. YARDIES! And Mr. Cardinale was on the stoop where that "trap" had been set! So... I'm not putting one out (yet). Taking NO MORE chances. Had a BM this morning... SO DARK! THE GERITOL. Will take ever other day from now forward. Feeling worse as the time goes... Pain in the thumb again... AND MY STOMACH IS HORRIFIC AGAIN. And some "new" pain in the right side. Phlegm is rather "thick" too. I tried a halfie this morning... Nope... not painful in the throat or chest... it's all in the stomach! Well? Another day. Yonah's up and about though... and KISSES! WOW! The "holidays" are (almost) done... One more to get through. 13.53 Made it out to market, mostly for berries for Yonah.... and got a couple other items. Got gas too... 40$ 8,89 gallons! Fuckers! 3,599/gal for the cheap shit. But... at least the truck is running... calmly. Though there's a terrible odour of gasoline when I stop it. Cold? Perhaps. Hopefully. Hey! It passed inspection. That's what matters now. - I'm still quite sick from the pains BUT... JUST CHECKED THE O2 SAT... 96!!! HR: 79. BUT GREAT O2! THAT MAKES ME "FEEL" A BIT BETTER... though my chest still feels as though it's about to explode. - 21.09 Well, the thumb begins to throb again... the stomach goes into spasm... Felt a bit better after eating. I think I've found what it is that's wrong... can't remember what though. Anyway... LATE! But tomorrow... JOURNALS BEGIN! - Cutting the Geritol though. Iron. Black stools. And it's not helping with the fatigue anyway. - Off to Yonah's futon... and hopefully, not hacking. - Ordered the extra canvas for his futon too. - 27 5.56 Up on Yonah's futon... and wasn't ready to get up until... left leg contraction. And so... the morning commences. 10.07 Well... Bumped into Deborah as I stepped out to give Amys' card to Kevin (who seems unhappy this morning). She rather understands my reluctance to going to ER. "I'm the eternal mystery." Yes, medics are useless to her as well... heart monitor, nausea, passing-out. Another "Nancy"... they don't know. and won't admit they don't know. I told her "If not for Yonah, I'd just lay down and wait to die." She does, to an extent, understand. Meanwhile. the pain in the right arm-to-thumb is again, excrutiating. But I had a couple of good hours this morning. - AND... for a while, this morning, the touch pad stopped working, the "task bar" disappeared. PLEASE! NOT NOW! LET THE LAP-TOP HOLD FOR A WHILE LONGER! AT LEAST UNTIL I'VE CAUGHT UP WITH THE JOURNALS! - Always something. "Stress". - BUT YONAH IS TUCKED IN AT THE ORANGE TREE AND WAS ON MY SHOULDERS WATCHING AS I WORKED A BIT ON A LARGE SKETCH PAD THAT HAS SOME OLD POLITICAL POSTERS IN. YONAH IS OK... though I fear he's "broody" and might be feeling "alone" and that breaks my heart... to the core. - 19.06 PAINFUL! TIRED! NEED A SHOWER... I'M OFFEENDING SOME-HOW FROM SOME-WHERE. NOT SURE WHERE, BUT SMELLING "HOMELESS". AND FATIGUED. NOT LOOKIG FORWARD TO TOMORROW. Expecting to be sent for blood-work and x-rays... and if so, I'm NOT waiting for "results"... I'm NOT sitting there for 3 hours for them to tell me all the "tests" turned out perfectfly fine (again). Furnace is running. Chilly out there. Meal... beef, noodles and veggies, not settling. I'm going to have my ice cream, Brit and shower and get to Yonah's futon. Thtat's that. The "lettre organiser" didn't come today... instead an e-mail "28th or 29th"... the "weather". What-ever... I did managed to get through the shit on the desk and clean that up in prep. I NEED to get to the JOURNALS! I want this pain to be gone. THANK THE HEAVENS FOR YONAH... THAT'S ALL I'M GOING TO SAY. WITH-OUT HIM... 2107 28 705 Up at 6.38 from the strangest dreams... after a night of up only once but a little trouble getting to sleep. Dream(s) In hospital for today's what-ever, speaking with a youngish lady-Nurse, triage. In an "ER" sort of environment. She typing away at the computer. "Well, we could send you to..." She was going to send me to some sort of "Clinic" area, and they were PACKED. BUSY! I said; "Sweetie, I'm coming from 25 years of Nursing, in The City, I KNOW what I'm facing and I really don't have all day to sit and wait with all of what's here already." She typed into the computer and the multi-screen showed CCTV shots of JAMMED waiting areas. "I don't care if you send me off to take the tests and then I go home to wait for the results, as usual." I wasn't all too polite about it. She said she understood and that that could be done. Turned to another Nurse and mumbled something about sending me to the "clinic" for tests and then home. I over-heard her say something about "arthritis of the perineum." and knew then, that I was just being patronised but went along with it because I felt it was the only recourse I had at the moment. NEXT thing, I'm back at "home", as it were, in a flat, needing to shower to get ready for some sort of medical testing that I had to go BACK for... I walked into the bath-room to get ready for the shower and as I opened the door, JOHN was standing in the shower, wearing an open shirt. He was quite muscular, as was Joe, in his "building" phase. He'd been masturbating in the tub, there was a shit-stained cloth "blue pad" in the tub. He just stood there, staring at me. "Darling", I said, as I went about getting my things together for my shower, "I don't really care about what you're doing in there, or what you've already done, but I need to get into and out of that shower because I have things to attend, so if you wouldn't mind...." He said nothing. He was obviously stunned by having been "discovered". I was perfectly fine with the situation and thought he'd just "finish" what he'd been "at" and I'd just get into the shower whether he was there or not... I woke... I'd been up at 2.30-ish already and so, laid there, "waking up" as it were, wondering what time it was at the moment and as my stomach started to tense, as it does, decided to get up and look at the clock... 6.38... Time enough to get up and start the day. Now... coffee done, and berries cut for Yonah, stepped out for a smoke. Not particularly cold this morning. And clothes set for today's fiasco. Stomach in a knot as usual, feeling nauseated and almost weak. - Oh... at one point last night, as I tried to get to sleep, a bit of "reflux". Just a bit... and I managed to get comfortable and drift off. - NOT looking forward to the condescension of the day ahead. 14.20 MD was QUITE NICE this morning... and attentive, for a change. Meds (Prilosec) for the stomach... he says is "GERD". but made a script... covered by insurance! Arm pain? Muscle/something in the neck. Nothing offered for that but aid it should go away on it's own. If not, come back/ER (I've ordered the brace... United's OTC is useless today! Fucking shit.. But I got the MD and med so...) CALLED AVERY... 3,99/GAL! They'll come next time they're in and the full 976 on the account! Relief... for now. Poor Yonah... I was out the door at 10 and back at 1245! Stopped at FamDoll... Poor Casey is being worked to DEATH! AND she's taken on a Shepherd puppy to train for "Service" SO TOO CUTE! Meanwhile... more meds. Still in pain. Had bread, butter, honey for mid-day with vits. THE BREAD'S ALREADY STARTING MOULD! FUCK! MASSIVE ICE FALLING FROM THE ROOF TOO! 19.06 (See Yonah's "Birdie in the hood) Yonah is tucked in. My shoulder and arm are a bit better tonight. Stomach is tyupical... better after meal.. .which was meagre. I snoozed... deeply.. .for 30 minutes today. MOST relief: OIL... coming! The final desk orgainser arrived today too. Very nice. Yonah's desk looks like "furniture" instead of some old catch-all. Now to get the living-room together and the corner of the bed-room... before the 31st. Tomorrow... LAVAGE! TIRED... RELIEVED AND SO GRATEFUL TO DEMURO. **************** FAM DOLL AND NURSE AT CLINIC... PEOPLE LOCALLY ARE MISERABLE, RUDE, ENTTLED! POOR CASEY, WORKING TO DEATH. AND AKE PLACID EVEN WORSE! PEOPLE ARE FUCKED-UP. But now... ice cream and brit and FUTON! This day is done! 21.15 29 12.15 Up at 6.00 got the bed-linens washed and on the line. One bit of canvas (table-cloth) on rack in shower Attaked the shelves in the bed-room JUST finishing! Feeling? Shitty. Tired. Not sure why but... took a "new med" this morning. Says it takes 4 days to kick in. But shoulder/arm/hand better. Yonah basking Gave him berries... WOW DID HE GET TO THE RASPBERRY WITH GUSTO! LOVES IT! I'M THRILLED! OIL delivered... 99,8gals 398,20 (let's see how it goes with that) having a mid-day snack... SUN shining! PO Closed today... "staffing shortage". Tuogh shit New Russia. 19.04 CLIFF AND VIVIAN AT THE DOOR... THE BLOODY FLASHERS WERE ON AGAIN! JEEZUS KRISTE! HAD TO GO OUR AND REMOVE THE FUSE AGAIN. FUCK ME! WELL? I WAS SAVING MONEY... CAN'T HAVE THAT! OFF TO RICHIE... I WONDER IF HE'S EVEN OPEN... TOMORROW. FUCK FUCK FUCK! Crystal came in and opened the PO for about 2 hours... 13-15.00. Poor woman! Deb came to the PO (Julio driving). I had the front door open... it was that warm. She chatted with Eric across the road and never even knocked. Tells me a LOT (all I really need to know) ALL of the laundry stuff is washed! now drying. just my clothes and me left... and the floors! Ev's birthday toorrow... 19.43 SHOWERED AND TOE NAILS CUT! YAY! AND... IN PAIN IN THUMB AND SHOULDER... ALAS. 21.12 30 527 6.15 sand is in oven THANKfully, I didn't give-in to the desire to simply stay on the futon this morning. The all of the play sand is sifted and in the oven at 400F. Now? To clean the floors. The laundry is done. It's just a matter of getting to market (and the "RELAY"!!!) and ALL will be settled. - My stomach now (at 6.25) is in a solid lump. But, it's only day 2 of 4 for the "Prilosec". Lettuce sea. - I'm tired. Imagine that. Fuck. - 18.26 Made it to (and from)market for last-minutes... GREENS for tomorrow and Sunday, and ice cream, of course. Got chicken. Made chicken-and-rice with a LOT of cream of mushroom soup. Hoping the rice cooked properly. - En route TO market, stopped at Richie's to ask how to remove the relay... have an appointment on Tuesday nmorning... 8.00! Oh well. Let's see how they manage it. Vinnie checked a video on it and admitted it's not the eaiest thing. We shall see. But the truck made the trip... and that's what matters. - Managed to get all the boxes into a LARGER box. The one from Yonah's futon. And now they're out of the way, out of sight, in the living-room alcove! AND managed to put Yonah's orginal shelving back in the original box and back to where it's been in the corner of his room. That too... out of the way. - RIght now, tomorrow, wash what I've been wearing, do the floors. DONE! with the house. BUT... WE HAVE TO DO YONAH'S HOUSE... SO THERE'S A GOOD 5 HOURS OF TOMORROW TOO. OH.. got thelast of the play sand done too! That's in the oven for what I'm hoping will be the last baking to dry. - And all day long... SO DAMNED FATIGUED... AND NAUSEATED... HAD SCRAMBLED EGGS AND CHEESE AT ABOUT 14.00 FOR "MID-DAY"... AND "REGULAR" EVENING MEAL. TOO MUCH TO EAT. AND STILL SO TIRED. IT'S THE TIRED THAT'S KILLING ME. - But now... the house is "settled"... and it's time to tuck Yonah in... and then me... soon. I need to be up and about early tomorrow morning. Let's see.... - 2128 31 8.14 Woke first at 4.14... decided to go back to the futon. Woke at 4.58 out of a dream: Phone rang, I said "hello" and at the other end... "HelOH"... softly... VIV! I went into a bit of a string of "How are you? How have you been? How have you been feeling?" and suddenly, in the dream, realised I was dreaming and needed to wake. Was going to wash kitchen floor but... didn't feel well (again) and decided it silly before Yonah's house so... DID manage a BM this morning though. Didn't help with the "un-well". Still light-headed. Sneezing a bit too. Just feeling "run-down" as usual. Half-dozed 30 mins on living-room futon until time for Yonah. Now... just getting me psyched... Yonah's house-work. WET out there this morning. Mostly melt. Cloudy. Thankfully, cool not cold. Furnace constantly running again... useless shit. Electric is going to be outrageous. Thankfully, there's oil for heat. 18.20 Started at about 9.00 and now, the ONLY things left are to wash the jeans I'm wearing and ME! JUST mopped the kitchen floor (having done the loo when I'd done Yonah's house... and that took about 3 hours today). I'm exhausted! Had chicken-and-rice with blackeyed peas with spinach. This batch of chicken turned-out really well. Still not mother's but damned close! Oh... Nancy came in to see Yonah today... while his house was torn apart. "He's so spoiled" she said... 20.06 DONE AT LAST! JEANS HANGING IN THE SHOWER AND ME, SCRUBBED IN CLEAN SCRUBS. ICE CREAM... TELE AND FUTON! SOON! 21.16 Just as I'm thinking of going stright to the futon... stomach "seizes" and 2 temp fillings need replacing. last night of the year... page 42 **************************************************************** ***** 2023 ***** Sun.01: 8.24 Up and down... at 24.04, then at 1.24, then again at 4.00-something! CONTRACTIONS! Left foot, left calf, right calf. What a way to start a week, a day... a year. And things had been so good for, well, too long. I was contemplating going to the bed, but I refused to allow such things to take me away from what's most important to me... walking with my Most Precious Companion, so I went back to the futon. The blankets were all over the place. Some on the floor. The pillow at the "foot" was crumbled. I'd had a horrific time of it and hoped that I didn't disturb Yonah with my obvious tossing. Resigned to sleeping until he woke me and, this morning... I was awakened by "woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo... hoo-hoo." 7.24 on the clock in the kitchen. Now THAT made the going back to the futon ALL worth the fight against the odds. - Kisses and cuddles this morning too! NOTHING could ever top that. And, right away, we got into the "morning routine"... open windows and kettle on, coffee, water relay and I'm dresses. - The sky to the North-West is tri-coloured: blue, grey, white. But this morning, there was a "mauve" tint to everything as the sun rose. That "evening mauve", in the white clouds to the South-West. It was quite beautiful, to be honest. And now... I'm settled at the desk. Yonah is in his "nest" at the orange tree. All the morning routine items are complete and the house is still. - Thankfully... SO THANKFULLY, the house was quiet through the night, last night. I was concerned. I just don't trust that dolt next door. There was a moment when I heard it stirring over there and my anxieties rose as I laid in the dark. But... the night has passed, and here we are... new day, new week, new year, new calendar. - And I have to say, the house is in order, the bills are "due" but "current". Food in the house. Gas in the truck. A minor repair tomorrow morning. There's money in the banque (though most is on loan... it's still there). Rent will be paid on time. Oh, and there's oil in the tank as well. My stomach isn't "seized", my legs are fine. AND YONAH IS RESTING IN HIS LITTLE NEST... HE'S BEEN UP, VOCIFEROUS AND ACTIVE. THAT is ALL I truly care about! - Now... on with... - The lap-top shows I'm on "page 128" of all of this Journal... but I have to go back to page 42 with the "catch-up"... MONTHS of just notes! Well? Never let it be said that there's "nothing" that needs to be done. - The weather is supposed to be quite fair for the fore-seable future... but it's Winter... time to stay here, with my Best Companion, and get caught up. And for Yonah... SO MANY PHOTOS... as well as his Journal. There are things to be done! WRITING! So off we go... with coffee at hand, at the "new desk". Yonah's bird-songs playing... It's a "story-book" sort of morning. May THIS be the rest of this year. - 21.43 LATE AGAIN... and no excuse, really. AND STILL NOT KEEPING-UP WITH THE JOURNALS! THIS IS NOT A GREAT START TO THE YEAR... BUT I GET SO TIRED, SO QUICKLY! AND SO DISTRACTED DURING THE DAY! I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT, EXACTLY, IS "WRONG" WITH ME ANY MORE. CONCENTRATION IS GONE. INTENTIONS ARE GREAT, AT THE START OF THE DAY. Anyway... tonight, as with other nights, my main concern is CONTRACTIONS and disturbing Yonah through the night. I can only hope... and I'm tired of doing that as well.

Thu.16.Feb: (11.46 LOCKS CHANGED !!!! HAPPENED TO LOOK OUT THE KITCHEN WINDOW AND NOTICED NO VEHICLES NEXT DOOR. GRABBED THE NEW KNOB AND "HAD AT IT"! WHAT A FUCK! THESE DOORS ARE OBVIOUSLY 2nds. REMINDING ME OF "BOB" 5225, PICKING-UP ROAD-SIDE DOORS. ANYWAY... MANAGED TO GET THE NEW KNOB ON AND JUST AS I WENT TO WASH MY HANDS AT THE KITCHEN BASIN... McMoron RETURNED !!! THIS IS A "JESUS LOVES ME" DAY ! THE LOCKS ARE CHANGED ! AT LAST... 4 YEARS LATER.) 7.47 The beef and veggies are on the hob. There's a bowl of sand in the oven at 400°F for the past hour. The rest of the house is "settled"... Yonah woke at about 6.15... I got up at about 6.05! And slept through the entire night, last night! (And had some "odd" dreams, the details of which I can't recall, other than recalling, when I woke, that they were "odd"... Not "disturbing"... just "odd"... as dreams will be.) - Feeling this morning? BOTH arms are "achy" and, of course, the "lower bits" too. The "morning fatigue" hasn't yet arrived. - No Yardies again, this morning. This time, when Cliff comes back, I'll be asking for the trap. - The sun is rising. The front door is open. It's "cool" but not "cold". Nice to have the door open again... for a little while. - Today's the last day of the NRPO posting... I'll be watching to see if it's removed from the bulletin board... Fuck these shits! The extra income was nice, but, the abuse makes it... "not happening". - And Yonah's up and about in his room... he's been most vociferous this morning. I wonder why. (And my anxieties commence, of course.) - My thumb and index finger, right hand, are "sore" this morning too. Oh well... Pain... I've lived through another night and am awake, indeed. - 18.59 Yonah is tucked in... The pot roast turned-out pretty good (so far... we'll see how it "settles" by morning). Didn't need any extra seasoning with all that was on the beef originally. A touch too much pepper, perhaps, but really quite good. And there are 3 more meals in the fridge. Cooked from 7-14.00... A touch "stringy" tonight. But I managed to eat it with some noodles. A perfect day with Yonah... and I "cleaned" another photo of him for "stickers". And the sun shone. Spoke with Deb this morning at the PO... was having a smoke and she did the "cough-cough... sorry... I'm allergic" bull-shit! Fucking idiot. Place in The City, here, with the wood stoves and fire-places... "allergic". Some people... Anyway... Today was last post day for the NRPO PMR. I'll have to check with who-ever is here tomorrow to see if there were any takers... HAH! And I napped for 45 minutes today! Was going to do into town to get keys but, it was 14.20 and "school" would be letting out so... Nope.. .tomorrow morning. I have a little "shopping to be done (would prefer Hannaford's, honestly). So we shall see. "Verglacant" in the forecast. Now... just tired enough... but still achy in the shoulders and arms. Oh well... Will have to ring/message MD... "ColoGard"? Perhaps. Anyway... another day... over. 2053 17Feb: 4.23 I woke at 3.00, had to pee, did so, and went for a lie-down on the bed, with an alarm for 4.30. Yeah, well... i was "up"... so at 4.00, gave-in, got up and here I am. Gassy this morning. "Beef" and "beans". What did I expect? And now, I ought to be working on the back Journals... "ought". I'm "weary". - Just in from a smoke. It's "drizzled" wet out there. Not "cold", but DAMP. - And my eyes itch this morning. Oh well... - 1930 Gee, November 2022 Sarah's Eric died. And I happened on Michael's "NFA Memorial" page... Gee... they've truly dumped me... Time to just let it all go... really... 21.16 Looks like I truly AM "the only one left"... Parents are gone. The cousins have cut communications. There's no mention of me in the siblings postings for obits. Reminds me of when mother died & Joe rang to say "I thought you might like to know, Mom expired." Imagine that. No "family". No relatives. Well, no more wondering if they'll ever "just show at the door". Funny, how that all worked out: Never wanted from the beginning and now... the final "toss-off"... Done deal. As if the whole 67 years have been my fault. Well? Looking at it... John's single... and childless (as far as I know). Joe married the Asian and had a kid. Lord only knows why that happened. And sister? Well... can't say that her "charmed child-hood" paid well... miserable husband who abused her to the point where she drank until she laid in her own vomit in a "sun-room", Michael taken from her after 19 years. Probably poisoned from staying in Newburgh with all those chemicals in the drinking water (which is how I found the obit for Eric... looking-up references for the recent "East Palestine OH" train horror). Little Miss "Teacher Aide, Volunteer, Churchie-folk". And me... the miserable, bitter shit who takes no personal responsibility for anything, as Tony put onto Kindle review of "Bitter-Sweet Bitterness". Imagine that. Well... I'm off to the futon... WITH YONAH... the furnace is running. The bills are covered. there's about 3/4 tank of oil for heat. There's an old truck in the yard... that will hopefully start and run in the morning after tonight's -19°. And... there's YONAH... I'm SO BLESSED, HONOURED, PRIVILEGED to have HIM in my life... which I'd end right about now... if not for him... He's more my "Heart-and-Soul" than anybody could ever imagine or understand. Maybe I HAVE done something quite worthy of such a BLESSING. I'll never know what... but I probably don't have to know... He's here... and we're here... until neither of us is. Time to wrap the day... Tomorrow... we have things to get done! (Oh... no PO tomorrow... the sign is in the window over there already. Well? As I say: they alienated the one person in town who could have held the zip code. There's that...) Sat.18.Feb: (D18) 6.31 Isn't it almost rather some-what amazing how, with-out a mention, somebody can simply vanish? Become nothing. Never existed? Well, it really IS the exact opposite of what I've said for many years: We keep them alive by saying their name... Stop saying it... The never were. Well? I tried. And here we are. - And this morning, after another sleep-through night, I woke, on Yonah's futon, so comfy that I could have stayed there the day. (That's how it's going to be, you know... one morning, I WILL just stay there...) But I had to pee and so, at 6.01, I did... and here I am, 30 minutes later, dressed, with coffee, waiting for the "morning call". This is my "Life"... And actually... Yonah is my Life... and I have to wonder "how", perhaps "why"... Though Rabbi Lewis advised, "there is no 'why'" and I have to stop asking. So I shall. - What I need to do now is figure out the "what"... what is "wrong" with this old body and get it fixed, as best as is possible. Yonah and I might have many years ahead of us.... - Just before heading to the futon, last night, I did one of those "searches"... Looks like John's moved to Dingle Daisy! Imagine that! And is running a "tree service"... just like the grand-father... the grand-father who molested the grand-daughters. Keeping the name of the uncle who molested the local gals, running along. Just thinking: the name, the road, the town... I wonder how many women recognise it today... how many of those young gals, now women, will see that name, and the connection to the "tree service" and their guts wrench. At least I'm not associated with that. Oh well... Never good to "compare". Best to leave it alone... where it is... "not here". - Time to get on with the day. - Oh... I'm REALLY curious as to why rinsing my mouth with peroxide gives a night of no contractions in the legs. Of course, I'm sure that if I mention it to the "MD" it'll be "poo-poo'ed". But... teeth... will have to get after those too. Hey! Yonah and I might have some years ahead of us now... - My arms are "stiff" again, this morning... and the chest too. But that means I woke this morning... so let's get on with the day... Eh? Winter's back this morning... there's that. - 19.20 The house is settled... Yonah is still flitting about but "settled" for the night. Fucking CAT was out back this morning at about 7.00! Cliff and Mrs. are here... I might go over tomorrow for the trap. Will try white pepper too. Not sure where to bring the cat when caught but... it can't be hanging here! This morning, approx 10.30, I was having a smoke, Jeff came plodding round the corner. Stood at the bottom step and mumbled: "No open?" I simply said "Nope." and left it at that, finished my smoke as the idiot stood there staring at the PO door. When I got back in, noticed out Yonah's window... Harry had come by too, pulled round onto the Hill and Jeff walked over. Heard Jeff bitching about "the post office" but didn't hear what else. Don't care, really. Gave Harry money to get Money Order in Liztoon! LOL! Fuck these shit-bags. Day? Well... REALLY napped twice... Went through all the old USPS docments (1412s, &c.) Kept what I want (mostly the bull-shit but a couple 1412s to remember the offices I worked). Got a stack in a bag to give to Kevin for "official recycling"... perhaps on Wed. since Monday is a holiday. It was a little painful, seeing the abuse, including the official write-up Shedrick did shortly after my hire. Fuck! Had a hefty glass of prune juice at noon... still NOTHING! Will call on Monday for appt with MD... time to "search lower". Something's NOT "right" and I have Yonah to care for! It was a sunny day. But chilly. Didn't get out to start the truck. Will have to do tomorrow... maybe get the extra new keys made. Maybe. Still "pondering" the "separation" from the entire relative-line. Only pondering. I have Yonah AND, because of him... I HAVE A LIFE! Nothing else necessary. 2102