2014: TRUST NO ONE!
NO ONE AT ALL! FOR ANY REASON,
BY ANY STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION!
TRUST… NO… ONE !!!!!
Wed.1.Jan.2014: 8.12 So this morning I woke, having slept through the 5.35 alarm. Last night I went to sleep with the radio on the bed, tuned-in to a station of all talk… in French. I woke at 8.00 to...
Peed in a bottle. Made cold coffee with tap water from the bottle on the desk. The room is bitter cold. Went down-stairs to stand on the porch for a smoke. As I opened the door to the room, the house was quiet, odour of flatulence (or shit) and bad breath. Smoking on the back porch in the bitter-bitter cold. And as I stood there, looking out on the snow-covered yard, thinking of Viv, HOME, I thought too of the song...
and it’s painful. – As I came in, met Bob in the kitchen. “Happy New Year?” I said. “Happy New Year.” he replied. “I called it up to you last night but you must’ve been asleep.” (I’d heard him. I’d been in bed about an hour already, unable to fall asleep after putting the light out at 23.00, but was actually too tired to reply, and since the whole “New Year” thing means nothing to me, I just lay in the dark thinking of how I wanted to be asleep and away from the entire… from entirety.) – Well, he went out with Dixie and Ellie, to have his morning smoke, I came back to the room and as I got back under the blankets, to escape the bitter cold of the room, on the radio...
I had to smile, a bitter-sweet smile, That song, on the radio, from a station not so far away these days. That song, coming over the air, the Northern air, from HOME, bringing fondest memories of Viv and I singing along with it… at HOME. And here I am, so close and yet, not THERE. And Viv? No telling where she is these days, how she is… and me, hoping with everything I have and everything I am that she’s well, good, and Content. – As I waited for an Internet connection, on the radio...
another familiar song… from HOME. More memories. As I had my smoke I thought how the memories, the events, the Nancy, the absence of art, house-hold, past, history, “me” is still gone and irretrievable. “New year”? Bull-shit. The sun rose just as it does on any other day. The cold is still here. The troubles and tribulations of yesterday...
are still here. Nothing’s changed. Nothing at all. There are those who will try to “leave the past in the past and start fresh”. There are those who will say that that is what they do. They lie. And I recall the rant of Lyle just evenings ago and “You owe us a lot of money!” and “You took our car to Portland!” Who knows what other resentments he harbours in his heart against me? And faggot… just so completely and utterly disrespectful. And me, here, watching the icicles sliding from the roof, but glittering in this morning’s sun-rise… thinking of HOME, and Richford… and Fran, Silas, Viv… HOME, and Richford. And my finger-tips are going numb from the cold. But I’m in a room, in a bed, under the only blankets I have left to my life. I’m in a house, in a room, not out in the cold, not in a public shelter. I’m not lying breathless, frozen, dead-and-yet-preserved, under the trees, on HOME soil. And here I am this morning-like-every-other-morning… wishing from the core of my being, that I was… HOME. – 8.38 Resentfully, I go to the Journal, come to this Journal and add another month… another year to the pages already here… Resentfully… and the band plays on. – 9.25 Toast. The smell of toast. I’m SO HUNGRY! I want to cry…. – 10.55 Just posting these new pages. Fingers still almost numb from the cold in the room. Still so hungry I could sit here and cry. The sun is shining. Clear skies! I SO want to take a walk HOME! But… the reminder: I don’t have the necessary clothing… it gone… and again… thanks Nancy. – 14.31 Just finished talking with FRAN! She phoned via the Skype number and we talked for almost an hour! Devon’s back from Maine. Say Fran, it’s because he’s come to acknowledge the insanity of packing up and moving to Maine at this point in his life. He’s not ready for another relationship and is still in the “pushing people away” phase. How well I know THAT feeling! No time for anybody else… and no “Trust” in anybody else. But Fran sounds wonderful and we not only talked about an hour on Skype but another almost an hour from my G-mail number. (And, I learnt today that the connection from the lap-top sounds like a land-line-to-land-line connection! How wonderful!) And what a delight to talk with Fran anyway. – (I’m dozing off here now. So fucking hungry again that it wears me down. Others in the house will eat, have eateneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (This is what happens when I doze off… all the time. I’m leaving this line of e’s in this time, just because they’re there.) As I was saying: Others have eaten (I smelled toast earlier), and will eat. Nothing will be offered until dinner and even at that, there’s no guarantee. – When I came in from my smoke this morning, faggot was in the kitchen, preparing some hot food (toasted something). I’d hoped for a clear way to the cookie tins to grab at least something to put into this body but I’d almost swear that there are “tabs” being kept on me to make certain I don’t steal any food. For the most part, there are full meals left-over from dinners and those go into containers and into the fridge until such time when they’re tossed into the garbage. The food that goes out of here in the garbage is heart-breaking. But, faggot seems to be making sure that I don’t grab anything I’m not offered. Is it my perception? Possibly. But the fact is: I can leave to have my smoke in an empty house and as soon as I come back in through the door… faggot is there. I go with-out, lest it become conversation topic and presented as thievery or something close to that. – 14.43 My fingers and toes are bitter cold, my stomach is actually making “crying” sounds. I’ve opened the room door but the cold is still flowing in and about. Cold… it’s just so cold. And I am SO SO SO HUNGRY!!!!! But “You owe us a lot of money.” – Oh, and no food stamps… I bust my starving body to get a job, I bust my starving body to shovel snow, chop ice, clean barns, haul fire-wood and I’m not worthy of food stamps. Meanwhile, faggot lounges about the house, eating, getting drunk, sleeping, generally doing nothing but causing shit for me and the money and food stamps come rolling in! But… what the fuck good does it do to even think about such things? None.
22.32 The day? Well, I don’t remember what I’ve already posted so I’ll just take it from here. – Talked with Fran for almost 2 hours. She called on the Skype number and I called her back. It was kind of OK as they say. But she confirmed that the voice connection from the lap-top is clear so I don’t have to worry about people wondering what kind of “phone” I’m on. And rather good news: Devon has returned to VT. He decided that moving to ME for the sake of a relationship just wasn’t a good idea. (Think?) Poor guy’s suffered so much already. Good that he didn’t make the move and then learn that he isn’t ready. Anyway, none of my business. – Dinner tonight… I was “invited” at about 19.00. The “house-hold” slept all day, in various rooms and on various furnishings. I was the only one awake all through the day. But “dinner” was tater tots, fish stix and what was supposed to be something like “popcorn shrimp” but they burnt. I “ate”. But tonight I have to note something: When Bob, Lyle and Randy have had their fill, Lyle almost RUNS to get the containers to put the left-overs away! Today, every time I went down-stairs to have a smoke, faggot showed, out of no-where, in the kitchen. After dinner, Lyle RUNS to get containers to scoop up what-ever’s left. I mean… REALLY? This is sad as shit. Meanwhile, I’m just thinking of the story of Steve and what’s-her-face down there and how what’s-her-face made it so miserable for Steve that he HAD to go through all sorts of courts to get rid of her. Hey! You know what? You want to toss me about, telling me that I owe a lot of money, and (and oh wow tonight of all nights…) then pull the “Make sure he doesn’t eat anything… we can throw it away but don’t let him eat anything!” shit? I’ve done nothing but put my fucking energy and sweat into this fucking hole while everybody else sat about letting it go to fuck-all and whining about how run-down it was getting. All through the heat of Summer, I was never offered even so much as a glass of water. I STILL pee in plastic bottles and have a bed-pan in the room so that I don’t disturb anybody at night or early morning if I have to pee or shit… because if I so much as dare to open the door that fucking fagshit yipper starts in. AND… as for tonight? The coldest room in the house and Bob offered the heater but OH FUCK NO! It MUST be in the kitchen! Yeah… so the cows can graze in comfort. I keep the door of the room closed most of the time, keeping the cold in here and the heat in the rest of the house. And this evening I noticed that the boiler IS putting up heat… just not in this room! Then there’s the matter of them not wanting faggot to use this as his mailing address for his social security and food stamps and all the rest of the shit. Ah… well they’re probably upset because MY mail comes here. It’s addressed as “In Care Of” but still. And I DID mention on one form that I pay rent here. So, if we want to be particularly nasty, they can toss me when they will and I can see to it… Oh, never mind. This is all faggots’ play and typical and almost expected. Fag-shit. The lot of it. I’ve more important things to ponder and accomplish. Nothing worth the effort here. Move along. – And so, right after “dinner”, Bob went to bed. By 21.00, I went for a smoke and the house was dark. They were ALL in bed. Bob said he’d gone to bed this morning after the ball dropped … round about 24.30. Who knows what the fuck the other two did. All I know is that by 23.00 last night, my light was out and I was praying for sleep. – Back to today… I’ve found all sorts of manuals on-line for the PO and I’ve been reading them like everything depends on it. That’s how I wasted most of this day. – And now? I’m sitting here in the bed with the heated pad on, but my face and nose feel the cold something terrible. It’s actually “snappy-cold” in here. Quite miserable. If this bed wasn’t heated, I’d be paralysed by the cold! And there’s nothing that can be done about it. Besides… I owe them a lot of money! So even if I had my little heaters (thanks Nancy… they’re gone too) I couldn’t use them for using all the electric. (I’m still amazed that I’m getting WiFi… fuck!) – Tomorrow I have to go over to the PO to get the dates when I’ll be walking into Enosburg to complete the “modules”. I’m certainly NOT asking anybody in THIS house for any help. Then I have to figure how to get to Essex. Fran said that I can stay by her place for the time. I don’t know how I’d get into Essex each morning, but hey! At least I wont’ have to accept Bob’s offer of taking “their car” all the way in to Essex! – And on the closing thought du jour: I’m down to 3 smokes and 1,75$ short to get a pack at the store. I have the cheque the PO sent, but (a) I don’t know how much of that is mine (if I have to return any because of the advance they gave me) and (b) I don’t know if my EIN number will change with the change of gender or if ANYTHING will change because of it. If I put it into the account at the C.U. it won’t do me any good. And besides… to get it into the C.U. I’ll have to walk anyway! There’s another cheque coming on Friday… I’ll hope I can stop that from coming to the house or make sure I check the box for mail before anybody gets to it. Thankfully this will be the last one to come here. But still… And that one isn’t going to be all that great. Still it’s something. Ethically, I should just sign all income over to the house. But you know what? This is 2014 and my “Ethics” are fucking Gone, GOne, GONE! THIS bung-hole is CLOSED! Go fuck somebody else!
Thu.2.Jan: 6.13 Minus24C Minus11F Skype up and running for the call that probably won’t come from the PO.
Thu.2.Jan: 6.13 Minus24C Minus11F
“I’m deathly afraid of being Homeless.” says he. And again, this morning, I think of how little I have in common with those who haven’t experienced Homelessness and how it would be nice to be able to talk with those who have. The more time that passes, I see how that feeling will never pass. There’s a mentality, an appreciation for the smallest things in life that doesn’t exist in those who have been comfortable all along. For example, this morning, as type slowly, my fingers and face are so cold and I have the hood of this sweat-shirt on my head. But the part of my body that’s under the blankets is warm. So I appreciate the warmth of the blankets, rather than mourn the cold of my upper body and the chill of the exposed extremities. The room is cold, but I appreciate the fact that I’m here, with-in 4 walls, ceiling and floor, and not laying on a bench or on the ground, on a sheet of plastic, trying to wrap my body in layers of blankets… or, as I’ve done in the past, under towels and bits of clothing. I remember that evening on The Ridge, as I lay there dying, or close to it, and how painful the shivering was, how my legs cramped from the cold, and my toes burned from the bitter cold. And I appreciate the bit of warmth I have now. I remember sleeping on the cot (now gone… thank you Nancy) and waking under a wet sleeping bag (now gone… thank you Nancy), wet from the dew that had settled on it and me over-night as I slept out-doors in Jericho, and got into the shower, dressed and went to work at a job I neither wanted nor enjoyed. I remember how wonderful the hot water of the shower felt as my body temperature rose again, yet, how horrible it felt to be wet. And I appreciate that I can put my hands under these blankets (and the table cloth I use as a blanket) and warm them a bit. But I think of the coming days when I have to plot and plan an 18 mile walk in this cold, to get to the required training, and how there is so much working against me at this new job… a job that was supposed to bring some happiness and daily, brings more anxiety. But I appreciate being “employed” at all. No, I have nothing in common with “others” who have no appreciation for anything small and whine and be-moan their comforts. No appreciation for the mundane that the Homeless rejoice in. The “others” are just greedy, discontent malcontents. The lot. Fat, in so many ways, growing fatter and heavier, and un-appreciative of those things and situations and circumstances that the Homeless smile, laugh and all but dance in joyful appreciation of. I have nothing in common with the “others”, and they can never understand. I have no “common ground” with any of them. And I miss being able to talk about these things, these feelings, these appreciations with people… people who understand. – It’s lonely, and these memories and the re-living of these memories just seem to never leave.
6.32 and just up from a smoke and a chat with Bob in the kitchen. It’s about as cold in this room as it is on the back porch. If not for the warmer of the bed, I’d be a total mess. But… we say nothing on the matter and think “You owe us a lot of money!” and yet, we think, we’re not on the street. “I;m deathly afraid of being Homeless.” says Lyle. And again, this morning, I think of how little I have in common with those who haven’t experienced Homelessness and how it would be nice to be able to talk with those who have. The more time that passes, I see how that feeling will never pass. There’s a mentality, an appreciation for the smallest things in life that doesn’t exist in those who have been comfortable all along. For example, this morning, as type slowly, my fingers and face are so cold and I have the hood of this sweat-shirt on my head. But the part of my body that’s under the blankets is warm. So I appreciate the warmth of the blankets, rather than mourn the cold of my upper body and the chill of the exposed extremities. The room is cold, but I appreciate the fact that I’m here, with-in 4 walls, ceiling and floor, and not laying on a bench or on the ground, on a sheet of plastic, trying to wrap my body in layers of blankets… or, as I’ve done in the past, under towels and bits of clothing. I remember that evening on The Ridge, as I lay there dying, or close to it, and how painful the shivering was, how my legs cramped from the cold, and my toes burned from the bitter cold. And I appreciate the bit of warmth I have now. I remember sleeping on the cot (now gone… thank you Nancy) and waking under a wet sleeping bag (now gone… thank you Nancy), wet from the dew that had settled on it and me over-night as I slept out-doors in Jericho, and got into the shower, dressed and went to work at a job I neither wanted nor enjoyed. I remember how wonderful the hot water of the shower felt as my body temperature rose again, yet, how horrible it felt to be wet. And I appreciate that I can put my hands under these blankets (and the table cloth I use as a blanket) and warm them a bit. But I think of the coming days when I have to plot and plan an 18 mile walk in this cold, to get to the required training, and how there is so much working against me at this new job… a job that was supposed to bring some happiness and daily, brings more anxiety. But I appreciate being “employed” at all. No, I have nothing in common with “others” who have no appreciation for anything small and whine and be-moan their comforts. No appreciation for the mundane that the Homeless rejoice in. The “others” are just greedy, discontent malcontents. The lot. Fat, in so many ways, growing fatter and heavier, and un-appreciative of those things and situations and circumstances that the Homeless smile, laugh and all but dance in joyful appreciation of. I have nothing in common with the “others”, and they can never understand. I have no “common ground” with any of them. And I miss being able to talk about these things, these feelings, these appreciations with people… people who understand. – It’s lonely, and these memories and the re-living of these memories just seem to never leave. – My hands are so cold and now, my bowels are churning. Nerves? Last light’s “dinner”? The fact that I’m running out of coffee and cigarettes? They’re the only things that keep me going these days and they’re running out. To think: 1,75$ short… and all those people and agencies who claim to be there to “help” in time of crisis and need… and when I reach out and actually ask for the “help”, I’m here, with numbing fingers and cold nose, and they’re… in the comfort of home and car and other such luxuries, deaf and blind and apathetic. Welcome to a “new year” where everything’s exactly the same as it ever was. And I want to go HOME! – Radio Ville Marie played on the radio through the night… French. This morning, French with baroque music. HOME… so close and yet… – 8.37 I just met Lyle… coming out of the “dining room”, the “pantry” as it were, with a pie in his mits, en route to the kitchen. He smiled and said “Hello.” and I replied. “My sugar is low.” said he. “How well I know that feeling!” said I. Meanwhile, I was en route for a smoke… with a plastic bag in my pocket. I’M SO FUCKING HUNGRY!!! I was planning on (hoping?) to grab a few cookies from the very room Lyle was coming out of. I’M SO FUCKING HUNGRY! When I looked, there was HALF A PIE in the box! HALF A PIE! “My sugar is low.” his weight is over 300lbs. Imagine? And I can’t bear to look at my own reflection in the mirror any more. I’m grey, my skeleton is so visible that it’s disgusting, repulsive. “You owe us a lot of money!” he said only a few days ago. Yes, and you’re absolutely starving to complete death because of it, I see. “My sugar is low.” and so it would appear that there is a concerted effort at hand, by people and Creation, to keep me from eating, to ensure that I slowly starve to death. One day, as soon as possible… – 12.28 WELL! Let me start with HALF A DUTCH APPLE PIE! Yes, 11 pies were bought, I’ve had ONE slice of blueberry (which I had to sneak) and the rest? Gone. Imagine that! And OH! The shock of being OVER 300lbs! This morning, I managed to sneak 4 cookies. OH SHIT! FUCK ME QUICK! I OWE SO MUCH MONEY! Right. I’m not saying that I’m entitled to anything at all around here, in spite of the fact that I drag the 40lb bags of pellets in for the stove whilst Our Ladies lounge and nap all fucking miserable bloody day. And then make such a big deal out of trying to decide what to prepare for dinner (like last night’s “toss it into the oven on baking sheets and burn it to un-recognisable shit) which happens at the very last minute… and then RUN LIKE HELL to put the “left-overs” into containers which get shoved into a fridge and left until they go so bad that they have to be put into the shed before they stink up the house. OK then. And let’s never mind that I shovel the snow to make it easier to get into and out of the house… especially in case her Ladyship might have a medical emergency. Oh, but let’s just FUCK ME over all and in general. So, whilst I sit, hungry and sick (last night, by the time I got to table, the very thought of putting anything in my stomach made me want to puke), and MY “sugar” drops to almost incredible lows, and food gets thrown into the garbage… entire pies, cookies, and god-knows-what are being snarfed down the gullet at rates that only sci-fi could imagine. I sit here, such as now, wearing a sweat-shirt over a heavy-weight chambray shirt, under a hooded sweat-shirt, the insulated liner from John, under the black thermal hooded sweat-shirt and I’m still chilled! But that’s OK. I “owe a lot of money”. her Ladyship has just awakened, due to a phone call from “hubby”. Our Lady of St. Franklin has been seated upon here divan for the morning… doing jack-shit fuck-all. Me? Well… I went over to the PO this morning at about 10.30 to correct my Form50 and to find out where and when I’m expected to do my on-line training. Well, that was quite the “do”. As for the Form50, it was slipped into the chat who “might” handle that. (I’ve sent an e-mail to “Donna” when I got back to the house… good thing I know who Donna is?) Then… instead of being able to go 18 miles to Enosburg? I’m now going 12miles to Swanton… THREE DAYS at 3 hours each day… 8am-11am. No busses. No public transport. The best I could hope for is to be run to Swanton in the morning with Bob on his way to work, be there by about 6.45, hang about until 8… work until 11 and then walk back… 12miles. I’ll probably make it back by about 16.00… OR… I’ll just get me up in the morning, hope like all Hell that the roads are clear enough and take the bike (my hands and legs are going to suffer for this…). So that’s what I’m looking at there. – Meanwhile I voiced my “concern” and “perception” of how things are being handled and dealt to me at the Franklin PO and Ms. Lardarse gets right to the phone and rings the PM! and hands me the phone saying: “Talk to C. about your being discouraged about the job!” This is all coming down to a grand FUCK-ME FEST! So I dodged and asked C. if I could ring her back. And so, when I left the PO I came back and rang her via GglVce. We chatted. She finally confirmed that I begin the “Window” shit on the 14th. 8am on a Tuesday. THEN she dumps that I have an ADDITIONAL 40 HOURS OF WINDOW SERVICE AT MILTON (she believes) which means… A WEEK OR SO of getting to MILTON! which is south of Georgia where Bob works. AND… a 6mile walk from the end of the GMTA bus… and that’s IF the timing is correct! Ah… to think: I STILL have a black toe-nail from the walk from Milton to St. Albans on 1 July 2013 when I first came back to VT. And now I get to do that walk again… only this time, in WINTER! OH OH HAH-ZAH! And NO Winter clothing! (Thank you Nancy.) Actually, my real Hope at this point would be to take what I need from the cheques that I get between now and tomorrow and WALK into Walmart to buy the Winter clothing that I need: Boots, gloves, hat, scarf. BUT… “YOU OWE US A LOT OF MONEY!” and I can be all-too-certain that there will be NO compassion doled at this house-hold. (*** OH! As I just think of it: I asked Ms. Lardarse about the delivery of cheques this morning. She was quite vague but told me that they come into the PO on Thursday but that they will probably be late this week because of the holiday… SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHEN THE CHEQUES ARE IN? How odd… When I spoke with C. today SHE was rather firm in that Ms.Lardarse was keeping me well informed. I should have dumped this shit into the chat… oh well. There will be time for all of this… and at the rate I’m busting my all for this job? There will be that moment! – OK. So… the food goes sailing down the gullets of the heavy-weights. I’m actually grey in palour from malnourishment… and ,y breath and body stink of decay. I have no resistance to the cold. I’m about out of smokes and will be digging through the butt-jar at some point today to see what can be salvaged. No word from the FoodStamps… and now I’m beginning to wonder if notices aren’t being “delayed” or intercepted here. – I TRUST ABSOUTLEY NO-ONE! NOT ONE SOUL! NO TRUST AT ALL! – Annnnnnd… at 12.57… it’s snowing! How lovely! – But a quick look at Saturday’s weather forecast calls for CLEAR with a high of 14°F. Friday night low of minus21°F but clear. So 6.00am on Saturday should be quite “snappy” yet. And a charming bike-ride over the back roads of ye olde VT. (Right now, as I sit in the room, on the old rocker, DOGS DOGS DOGS BARKING BARKING BARKING… the “Nurse” has come… poor dear… she’s probably being jumped on… and faggot’s little shit will yip unabated until the Nurse leaves… Fuck-tards faggots! … as I was beginning to say… my toes are painfully cold! Even in the heavier socks and sneakers. Ah… Saturday morning will be a delight!) – For now, I just want to put in the “commute” info that I’ve found so that it’s noted. When I’m found dead on a road-side…
Franklin to Swanton:
11,8mi
1hr via bike
4hrs via walk
Fran’s House to The Plant in Essex:
19.9mi
54mins via bike
11.5mi/ walk
4hrs via walk
As I’ve been thinking all morning (and even as I type): I’m just bloody-fucking damned fed the fuck up with all of these people making judgemental statements, voicing their uneducated opinions, twisting shit around my fucking throat, shoving their own bloody shit in my face and not only do they NOT know me, they don’t even bother to TRY to know ANYTHING AT ALL about me. But they’re quite free to lash-out and attach at their own wont and will. Bugger-fuck-all. And I’m finished taking it. DONE! What I do and where this goes from here is… well… I’ll be on the road in the cold… I will do what I must do FOR ME. FUCK THE REST OF THEM! MY moment will, as it always has, come…ONE WAY OR ANOTHER! – 13.30 Just went through the butt-jar, pulled a few out for a while. OK then there. Maybe on Saturday I can get from Swanton to the CU change a cheque and get more smokes (and something to eat?). But, when I went out to smoke I brought in another bag of pellets and faggot is making ANOTHER WASH! Bed linens all down the back stair-case AND as I walk in through the kitchen, it’s at the toaster making something to eat… feeding it loppy fat-laden arse AND it stands right in my path from kitchen to computer room! Just stands there! Fuck me! Eh? This is getting to the point where the obvious is obvious: They’ll disrespect me to the point where I’ll simply leave. Oh very well then. Fuck you all and your “You’re shit won’t leave this house.” Watch me take this shit into court. AND… report the rental income and the change of address and food/shelter situation. I always say: if you’re own shit ain’t correct, don’t be fucking with other folks’ shit. Time to begin taking careful notes… and posting them out of here as we go along… Names, addresses, dates, times, places, details, details, details… – (PS: I suspect I’ll be pulled from the Internet soon… ) – 21.09 ANNNNnnnnnddddd back in the bed. At last! Warmth! And a thought, brought on by hunger: At 21.00, the animals in the house all know that it’s time for them to eat. There’s no food left out for the cats, as would be “normal”. No. Instead, the cats need to wait until one of the “people” in the house get around to feeding them… as do the dogs. And of course, the “people” will make certain that THEY get fed when-ever the urge strikes. The animals? It’s 21.11 and her Ladyship is lounging on the sofa in the warmth of the living-room, faggot is in with Bob who is currently shredding something in the “media room” (making a whining noise on my radio, which is on the bed, so that it’s by my head as I sleep now). And I made an association tonight: The animals in the house must wait until they’re thought of and invited to eat… and so too, me. Just another “pet”. I owe back rent. I have a roof and room. I’m constantly aware of my debt. And yet? And yet… even after all the work that got done round the place, work that I didn’t have to bother with, work that they benefited from… not me. Oh well. So it is. Even to the two bags of pellets I brought in during the day. It heats the rest of the house but not this room. So Iget no benefit from that either. – And dinner? I had TWO small portions… primarily because the quantity of pasta that was cooked ensured that a small portion would be available. The second portion came because there were roughly 28 strands of spaghetti left in the pot, not enough to put into the fridge (to rot and be tossed at some later date). Yes, the strands of spaghetti were countable. – My “sugar” is down right now. I feel horrible! Actually aching. And my vision is off terribly. (Trying to do any art-work is next to impossible of late because of it.) But I say nothing other than to rant here. – Tomorrow morning I get to face the lard-arse at the PO for a while. Not to be paid, of course. But at least it gets me out of the house and away. And there should be a pay-cheque there as well. Not that that does me any good at all. I have to figure a way to get into the CU! Weather permitting, I just might give the trip a try. There’s no break in the cold in the near future. The highest temperatures are in the teens F. But after being negative for so long, my body just might be able to handle that. We’ll see how all goes tomorrow. – Bob came to the room this evening to enquire about the latest on the job-front. I told him about the Swanton assignment. He said he could drive me there and I could hang at the Dunkin Donuts until I had to get to the PO. Time-wise: arrive at DD by about 6.30 and “hang out” until about 7.30 or so. (Jetzt ist ein Rose entsprungen is playing on the radio. Imagine that.) But at 11.00 I’ll then be walking back to Franklin (a 4-hour walk) because I won’t have the bike… unless I walk into St. Albans to catch the Richford jitney at 16.30 which means I’ll be getting on the bus as Bob gets to the house… and… of course… dinner will then be ready by 17.00 because I won’t be here. Thus… no food for me. (I mean, I don’t even dare to ask for a cookie!) – I have to note here: The selfishness and inhumanity bothers me so because I never was and am not now capable of such evil. There are so many who are deserving of my own wrath and yet, I walk away, leave them in peace. I don’t go out of my way to be evil. And “evil” is just what this is all turning out to be. – But I digress… So I told Bob about the Essex stint and he said that it would be fine for me to take the car. I told him… I TOLD HIM that I’d rather avoid that. He replied: “Lyle and I talked about it and I’M offering the car. Lyle knows you don’t ask for the car or a ride. He knows you take the bike to where you need to get to and that you make all sorts of other arrangements.” Yeah, well, what-ever. If I can get to where I have to go with-out ANY favours… I don’t trust anybody… especially now, and in this house. The fuck from Nancy was “THE END”! And getting kicked in the teeth with the “You owe us a lot of money!” and “The car went to Portland!” and “We’ve been more than fair with you!” WHAT THE FUCK? HAVE YOU REALLY THEN? I’ve not asked for shit but put in many hours of hard labour round this dump. Your last “tenants” left snotty tissues piled behind the bed and a room full of ALL sorts of pet hairs that had to be rubber-squeegeed out! And I did THAT! So this room is cleaner than it probably ever was… since Daisy died. So fuck me if I’ll let YOU do it! (And again, I digress.) – Yes, I suppose now there IS a lot of anger coming out. But I don’t give a shit any more. – So to Bob’s statement, I said nothing… and we got called to dinner. – After dinner, I came to the room and moved furniture. The chest of drawers and the computer desk are now switched. I want to see if the chest of drawers will block some of the cold from the North-east corner and if having the computer desk in the corner where at least one wall is an inside wall will keep my hands, face and feet from freezing… especially since it was noticed this evening that I wear 5 layers, 3 of which are sweat-shirts, one is an actual out-door jacket and a shirt… and that I sit in the room with 2 hoods up… but there’s been no offer of trying to make it any warmer in here… GOD FORBID! (Actually, I know too well what the effort is: make me uncomfortable so I’ll leave. Well… in due course dear folks… in due course. All should count the blessing that I refuse to die this close to HOME and not AT HOME!) So the room is “different” and will require some “adjustment” period. But I don’t pay any attention to it anyway… I’m always too busy… mostly with the computer and “getting out” into the world via Internet. So… fuck it. I just hope it makes it a bit more comfortable… for me… in here. (I doubt it will… but I can hope.) – And so, radio Ville Marie has gone religious. Make me wanna puke. And I’ve knocked one person off of FB… a Writers’ group. Apparently they’re a bunch of stodgy, self-righteous idiots who are free to voice their own opinions but when I did, I was called… quoting here… “fucking rude”. So, fuck them all. Click. Block. Buh bye. (Little does the world know… soon will be the final “Click”.) – So at 21.43 mine eyes grow heavy and I want this off the computer and on the server before sleep. So… FUCK YOU 2 JANUARY 2014! And as for the rest of the World? For the very most part? Until it HURTS and you BLEED!
Fri.3.Jan: 6.32 Woke with the 5.30 alarm but decided not to actually get up until Bob left. Then set the Skype up and hit the snooze. Very sick to my stomach this morning. Cold and thinking about the travels to come tomorrow morning and next week. Of course, not eating and no smokes or coffee doesn’t make this day any more attractive. – 7.46 Went down for my morning smoke of left-over butts. As I left the room, Lyle raised his head to look to see. I turn the door knob and the house wakes as if to say “WATCH HIM!” I thought I might try for some cookies but there aren’t any to simply get and go. No doubt they’re gone or in some freezer… until the cows set out to graze. Then, just now, faggot gets a text. It’s got its phone set so high that the whole town can hear it. Fucking disrespectful, inconsiderate shit. – Last night, with all the chit-chat and dog-yips in the hall it reminded me SO much of the days in the Shelter… I can’t escape those days. – And when I came back up to this bitter room, a thought:
I don’t tell people my business because nobody in my life-time has ever had any interest in it, so I don’t bother. And this silence bothers others. And for them? To fucking tough shit bad.
IT’S FREEZING IN THIS ROOM! –
21.02 In bed… SHOWERED! HAVNG POP TARTS… AND… BACK FROM ST. ALBANS! MINUS 13³F AND ABOUT 30 MILES AND I MADE IT! IN ABOUT 3 HOURS!!! 3 LIFTS!!! I’M DANCING INSIDE. But only inside.
SO! The day… I was at the PO at 10.30 as scheduled. Jen was a complete piece of shit: she OPENED MY CHEQUE! Imagine that! But I got it. And, it was rather what I’d calc’ed… which isn’t all that much. But it’s still a hell of a lot better than if I was making 7 or 9$/hr. It won’t catch me up on what I owe just in rent. But it’s more income than I’ve had in the past months. So… on to the computer to “teach” and set me up for tomorrow… ((21.09 THERE’S A FLY IN THIS ROOM! SUB-ZERO TEMPERATURES OUT-SIDE FOR DAYS… AND NOT MUCH WARMER IN THIS ROOM AND THERE’S A FLY IN HERE! WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK? Moron! – (OK. It’s Sunday, 12.27 and I have to get the notes put into order here…) – And so… THIS was QUITE the day! So yes, at 10.30 I went over to the PO to get my cheque and to graciously accept the “help” from Jen with what I’ll need to do tomorrow in…Swanton. What an ordeal! The girl’s “challenged”. As we went through the steps for log-on and such, we learned that I have to “book” the “modules” before I can actually take them! Then, she hovered over me as I tried to finish what I needed to do for me. As if I might sabotage something. What a fuktard. Anyway, she asked if I got my “Expense cheque” and when I told her I had… I HAVE TO PAY BACK THE ADVANCE OUT OF WHAT I GOT! So… essentially, the only thing I end up with is about maybe 100$. Less, in all actuality. ALL of what I paid-out of that cheque comes out of my pocket! And I keep thinking: I DIDN’T BUY FOOD… DIDN’T EAT FOR THOSE DAYS IN MAINE! I PUT EVERYTHING INTO THE GAS TANK OF THE CAR! EVERYTHING! When I asked HOW I’m supposed to pay it back she didn’t know. But she “thinks” I have to cash the cheque and go to the Highgate PO and give the cash back to them. OK then! Fucked. (But why not? Eh?) – Next on the list? I’m looking at the the memos that Jen was supposed to give me WEEKS ago and I see… IHAVE TO BE IN ESSEX ON FRIDAY AS WELL! I didn’t know. All this time I thought it was only through Thursday! Imagine this! ANOTHER DAY I have to plan for! Nothing has been settled as far as being there and how to even get there. I’m looking at sleeping in a snow-bank, walking from Franklin to Essex and sleeping in a snow-bank and now, another day? I told her today that all of this secrecy isn’t just inconveniencing me now, she’s inconveniencing people she doesn’t even know! Of course, all that managed to do was to put it into words and spew words into empty air. But… it’s been said. Fuck it. Then I asked for a list of the “modules” I’m expected to complete and FINALLY I GOT THAT MUCH! She wasn’t going to bother giving me the list! What the bloody fuck? I’m SO hating all of this already. Just SO hating it ALL! Not bad enough I have the animosity of Lyle at the house… I have THIS shit piled on top of it! – Back at the house, I came in, knowing that I have to get cash for me and the few little things I need… actually NEED in the coming days and weeks and realised that now I have to get into St. Albans to change the cheques… The wind-chills are down so low that there are frost-bite warnings out. The sky is clear, the temperatures are MINUS… even in Fahrenheit and I have to be out there… WALKING some 15-18 MILES! But, there are MY issues and have nothing to do with anybody else so… Layer on layer on layer, doing the best I can with what I have and by about 12.30 or so… with the “R U GOING TO ST. ALBANS” sign on the back-pack, I left the house, un-noticed (the other 2 were, as usual, in bed, asleep). – No music. Just trodding along. It was,honestly, BEAUTIFUL! Everything is still encased in ice and the sun was shining through clear skies and air. And the hills in the distance glittered and gleamed. Truly, the land-scape is astoundingly beautiful! And the sun gave some warmth so that by the time I got to the first hill, I was already warm. My toes, however, were about freezing. But the rest of me was quite warm, indeed. First lift was at the “5 hills” on the 120. a young guy from local. Another one who knows Lyle… of course. I made the best of the situation by saying that there’s only one car and 2 drivers and the car was needed else-where today. He gave me a lift down to the 105. I’d been thinking about abandoning the walk, but now I was this far and turning back would have been stupid. So… along I went. – I was in Sheldon, almost at the river when the next lift came. A young girl in a pick-up… her little one in the back of the seat. The front seat, on the floor, was strewn with all sorts of garbage… not even just trash… garbage. But hey! I didn’t care, the truck was warm! When I went to get into the truck, I saw my reflection in the window: ICE FROM MOUSTACHE TO THE END OF MY BEARD! SOLID ICE! My breath had frozen all over my facial hair! Frozen solid! I looked a fright! But she didn’t seem to mind. When I got into the truck she pointed-out that the temperature was MINUS 13! Then told me that her friend works in the hospital land last night they brought “an older gentleman” in with such a severe case of frost-bite that he’ll be in for “months” recovering. As we talked, she told me that she’d lived in Richford, had been robbed several times there an moved to Enosburgh. But the bet part of this ride was that she was headed to the Walmart! Right to where I needed to be! She says she has a Pathfinder that she wants to sell for 400$ (If I can swing the pay-back and shit, I might be able to get this thing!) So I gave her the Skype number and my name and told her that if she truly wants to sell the vehicle to think of me and give me a call. (Fuck the rest of this shit, if I can get this vehicle, I’m going for it! Hell! If I can get it together and on the road, I might just be able to make it to the Gaspé to go HOME… TO STAY! HOW WONDERFUL IS THAT! OK. Of course I won’t plan on it. It’s something that means more than anything in life to me so of course, I can’t have it. But I can dream… and they can’t take that away from me. Fuktardz!) She told me that, if I was on the road when she was on her way back, she’d give me a lift. I thanked her so much, got out of the truck and headed to the Credit Union. I’d made the half of the trip and it was still day-light! – At the CU: Well, well, well… TD strikes yet again. I can’t get a debit card on the account because of the over-draft (and, curiously, some “substantial” thing on record that I’m hoping is the first over-draft from TD but I have to investigate into that…of course, I expect it to be worse… my life after all). But I deposited the expense cheque and cashed my “pay cheque” so that I could get coffee and smokes. – Done with the banquing, I headed across the road to Hannaford’s for the coffee and something to drink. I was dehydrated from the walking. BUT… en route to the market I decided: FUCK THE ENTIRE WORLD! I was there, so was ATT and a TJ MAX! PHONE! I CAN GET THE PHONE BACK! GLOVES! I CAN GET GLOVES! “You owe us a lot of money!” bellowed Lyle. Well you now what? You’re correct, sir. BUT, I OWE ME COMMUNICATIONS (since YOU don’t want me getting calls before 10.00am) and I OWE ME SOMETHIING TO PROTECT MY PERSON WHEN I’M OUT WALKING IN FROST-BITE WEATHER. I OWE ME… ME… ME!!! And so it looks like FUCK YOU… YOU… YOU! Into ATT, make a payment and BINGO-ZIPPO! PHONE! Into TJ Max and… BINGO-ZIPPO! GLOVES! 7$! (“Compare at 29.00$ or something ridiculous like that bull-shit.) Of course, they need a couple of stitches where there’s a hole… Cosmos forbid I should get anything in good condition, eh? They’re not sporty, they’re not water-proof, but they’re SOME protection for the hands and better than the cotton gloves that are at the point now where they’re more “repairs” than gloves. And next… to Hannaford’s where I got TWO jars of coffee, a box of PopTarts and a Powerade and a pack of smokes! Tah-dah! La vie et belle! (I’m a complete idiot.) As I left the market there’s a TD there where Icould have gone in, taken what little cash I had and might have been able to clean my record… but I decided to fuck them. Besides, the woman in the CU told me that it would take 6 months AFTER I cleared my record before they MIGHT give me a card. So… fuck it fuck it fuck it… The cash was in MY pocket… I worked damned bloody fucking hard and went through HELL to get it and it was MINE and I was keeping it for as long as possible for ME, ME, ME!!! – Sign on the back-pack for “Franklin” and I was off, on the roads again. – I’d no sooner gotten onto the 105, by the Holiday House when a woman in a pick-up was coming out of the parking lot there. She motioned to me and I thought it meant for me to pass across. She pulled out and pulled into the next parking lot and motioned… THIRD LIFT! I WAS ASTONISHED! “Norma”… from MAINE! gave me a lift ALL THE WAY TO THE HOUSE! She took the back roads into town which made the ride SO beautiful… up through Rice Hill and such! Just magnificent! And we chatted and talked and the truck was warm and I was so much more thankful than words can express. Just SO thankful! I walked into the kitchen at just about 16.00! All that distance and all the errands covered in just about 3 hours or so! WHAT A FUCKING DAY! WOW! – As I came into the back porch, there were 3 bags of pellets sitting right inside the door. The “Ladies” had to “DO” something physical… of course, it was for THEIR OWN comfort and convenience. But what the hell? I didn’t have to do it. BUT… me being the totals waste fuktard that I am, I brought the bags into the house. And then… I chatted with Lyle, just mentioning that I’d just returned from St. Albans. No reaction. But when I mentioned the frost-bite, the response was: “We’ll have to make sure the water is dripping tonight.” Just another self-absorbed faggot. I’m just sick of this shit, really. But I take intense personal pride in knowing that I didn’t ask for help, didn’t ask for shit from them and got… nothing from them. So I DON’T “OWE” anything for all I did… alone… today. AND… their fucking wood pellets are in the house… which I brought in, having eaten so precious little in the past months, walked all those miles in the bitter cold and still brought the fucking pellets in, to put into a stove that generates heat that does ME no benefit at all. I mean, fuck-all… they even close the curtain for the living-room to keep the warmth in there and out of the rest of the house… which includes the walk-in cooler I spend all of my time in. Oh well… I pray that…. well… I just do. Leave it at that. – Shortly after I’d settled the pellets and such, Bob arrived. I mentioned to him that I’d been to St. Albans… Some-how he seems to understand more about the walking and such. Well, moments later, as I sat in the room… He came up to give me the key to the car. I told him that I was already getting my sign made for Swanton. So he told me: I know what Lyle said and that’s just the way he is. When he gets angry, all sorts of things come out and there’s just no telling what’s coming, when or for how long. I can’t apologise for him but I can say that I’m sorry. He and I talked about it and he knows that you’ve never asked for the car or a ride, that you get the car because we offer it. So you take the car tomorrow. I asked him “What if you need it? I’ll be in Swanton until at least 11.00.” “We’ll all be asleep at that hour!” he said. “You take the car.” I accepted the keys (but I still don’t want to take the car… I don’t want to hear about it later… and I know I will.) I told him about having to pay back the advance from the cheque. He told me what he (and I) understood: that the advance was all money they were supposed to give me anyway. But I explained to him that the cheque was generated separately from the advance… or, that’s how it was explained to me. But I’ll be investigating into the matter and will let him know. (Honestly, I really don’t quite understand how the PO figured it. But the only way to find out is to ask…and I WILL!) Anyway, it turned out that I have a car tomorrow… I wasn’t planning on it… of course… that’s why I walked into St. Albans today! – A bit later, Bob called up that dinner was ready. Tonight’s menu: a mess they called “Shepherds Pie”. This is the second time they’ve attempted it and the second time it turned out to be mashed potatoes with some kind of nasty, watery “gravey-like” shit. I mean, truly? Can’t make Paté Chinois? You’re a “FAIL”. But, I had 5 table-spoons of the potato with the “corn gravy” and avoided the meat (which was in a chunk at the bottom of the dish). I don’t want to “owe” any ore than I must. But it actually made me sick to my stomach to eat anything. Food is doing that of late. I have hunger, but if I eat, it makes me sick. Oh well. And so, immediately after, I rinsed the dishes for the machine and washed the glass bake-ware and soaked a pan. (Fuck the pan… I washed what I could. Blow me.) – After “dinner” (hahahafuckmeplease), I had a smoke, looked at a bit of TV. Chatted with Lyle and came up to the “Walk-in Cooler”- Later, I’d gone out for a smoke. Bob and faggot were coming in… with their hoods up! Me? No sweat-shirts and no hood and wearing flip-flops! All that walking in the sub-zero weather today must have thickened the blood (or froze my brain). But what-ever it was, the bitter cold didn’t feel so bitter! (Of course, that was for now. Tomorrow? Probably back to the freezing… and starving.) – And so, by 21.02 (It’s 13.31 on Sunday and I’m catching up here…) I was IN BED AND SHOWERED! I TRULY NEEDED A SHOWER! I was beginning to smell my own body odour! But exhausted. And my let knee is painful. I noticed some pain beginning on the walk but… there’s nothing I can do about it. And the walking and the day are both… done! ALONE! – And now it’s time to figure out WHAT THE FUCK TO DO THE FOLLOWING WEEK ABOUT ESSEX!!! (caught up)…But for tonight, at 21.32, it’s to be a bit of social media and lights out! WHAT A FUCKING DAY! I’M STILL SO PROUD OF ME… GOING TO ST. ALBANS! INDEPENDENTLY! (PS: those city-loggers are busted again. I need a fucking shoe-repair! And to think of all the money I’d spent on them! Fuck-tard-cheap-shit!)
Sat.4.Jan: 6.24 Coffee. Smoke. And the PopTarts are trying to come through. I didn’t sleep well last night for some reason. It’s not as if I have anything particularly stressful this morning. But I finally got to lights-out at about mid-night, woke at 2.02, the again at something around 4. At 2.00, I woke because I “heard” Bob call me. When I woke, there was a strange “blue light” in the room. I still can’t figure that out. But anyway, my stomach is now “off”. – Minus 18°C, so says the weather, Not too bad. Of course, not too bad because I have the car. But this was supposed to be a day of walking again. Imagine… with my stomach being “off”, and walking. (It probably would be better to walk this off, if it’s PopTarts… make my body use them.) Anyway, it’s cold in the room and bitter out on the porch. – This job is making me so ill. So much travel and so much confusion. Nothing like the “good old days” in Pine Bush and Walker Valley where it was simply a matter of “hired and start”. Just so much shit to go through. Is it any wonder my stomach and sleep patterns are wrong? And all for a job that guarantees only one “half day” per week. I just don’t know… seems like nothing can be “right” any more. And the anxiety of using the car and the back-lash from that. – This morning I thought of how I have the car and a bit of cash. I could stop in Sutton or St-Armand today to get… what? Smokes? Not at the currency conversion. A coffee press, to replace the one lost in storage? I don’t have a stove to boil water on. And the thoughts of drinking glasses, coffee mugs, dishes, linens, clothes… GONE. And why? Because I trusted… trusted. And yet another day begins withe “Fuck me”… now and gain later and then again after that. Just fuck me. – (And now… at 13.59 on Sunday… we continue with the catching-up and the notes noted…) – Today… indeed, after not sleeping well all night for some reason, I did actually get to Swanton… IN THE CAR! Bob was up when I left so there was time and opportunity to change his mind. He very well could have offered to bring me, retrieve me or anything in between. But he didn’t and so, I was on the road and off. The drive was rather nice. The roads aren’t all well maintained, and I noticed the hills and the shoulders. I’ll be walking them next week on Tuesday and Wednesday after-noon. There’s a lot… A LOT of open, flat area where the wind blows un-obstructed. And if it comes in from the North, it’ll be brisk. But, no sense in thinking about that at this juncture. There’s nothing I can do to change the land-scape… nor the wind. – At the PO I got right into the task at hand. Chatted briefly with the clerk there (from Franklin, imagine that), and *** NOTE *** USED MY OWN EAR-BUDS BECAUSE THERE’S AUDIO WITH THE FRIGGIN “POWER-POINT” SLIDE PRESENTATIONS! *** But for the 3 hours, I sat, in the corner, doing only what I’d gone there to do. At 11.00. I was one module ahead of where I’d planned on being and 26 slides of 32 slides into it when a clerk came to tell me that Jen phoned to tell me that I had to leave! I told the nice clerk that I was 26 of 32 slides into the module and that I would finish the module and then leave. The end. And I did. – On the way back to the house… HANNAFORD’S!!! Another jar o coffee, a LARGE container of creamer, a box of oatmeal packets, a box of sugar and a chocolate drink mix! It ain’t “food” but it’s something to put calories into this old body. But the saddest part? When I got out of the market and into the car, I had to figure a way to get the items out of the plastic shopping bag and into my back-pack so that I could get the ‘loot” into the house un-detected! Well, well, well, well, well… buggerfuck me all! More and more and more and more I see the fact that being in this house is more and more and more and more resembling THE SHELTER!!! If I were to bring the “loot” into the house now, surely the “You owe us a lot of money!” issue would come flaming back at me. And there would be ALL sorts of questions about where I got the where-with-all to procure “ALL” of what I’d bought! And, no doubt, there’d be an element of “how dare he?” get money and not give it directly to us? So, just as I had to do in the Shelter, I have to HIDE EVERYTHIING and ANYTHING I bring into the house for me. Sad and sickening. But… I did it! And when i got back, at about 11.45, the house was awake… big fucking deal. – At about 13.30came the announcement that they were all heading to Costco. I wasn’t invited (didn’t want to go anyway to be quite honest). But I’m not the one with the FOOD STAMPS and the INVALID INCOME HOME RELIEF SOCIAL WELFARE CARD! (They can be SO like flies, competitively hurriedly buzzing toward a pile of shit or rotting flesh!) So, once they were out of the way, I got to WASH MY CLOTHES AND HOOVER THE ROOM! WOO-HOO! – THEN… I got to talk with Fran… on my phone… (for over 2 hours…alas). Delight! Laundry. Clean room. Talking with some-one I know in the “comfort” of my “walk-in cooler”. – At about 17.00 I fed the creatures and took the canines out for a shit. Me? I actually grabbed a couple bits of what-ever I could find in the fridges. There’s SO MUCH FOOD in containers in the 2 fridges! Food that is about to be thrown into the garbage. But I don’t (because I can’t… honestly… I don’t have the capacity any more) give a shit! I can only hope that there is a “karma” and it’s calculating my hunger and the food that’s thrown into the garbage (and the pies that are consumed and the 300-plus pounds that are… and so forth). – And so, at round and about 18.30 they returned. Bob came up, gave me a package of PopTarts (because he was to understand that Dixie had eaten mine… and to confirm that they’d all eaten. The left-over so-called “Shepherds Pie” was mentioned but not offered. (No. I did NOT go to get any!) Strawberry PopTarts… how kind… my least favourite. But as it turned out today… aside from a couple of packets of dry oatmeal, they were the only other thing I’d eaten all day. So? So…. – I spent the rest of the evening looking on-line at bus schedules and maps, planning the following week in Chittenden (OH NO!) and calc’ed the bus fares and busses and times and distances. There are some VERY COLD and VERY LONG WALKS coming. And I continually ask myself: WHY? WHY THE FUCK AM I EVEN BOTHERING? Shit doesn’t mean shit. It’s bound to fail one way or another anyway. This is all just a mater of passing time… away… from here. That’s all it is, all it’ good for and all it ever will be. And I do it… such a good little soldier… and when I think of me as a “Shit4Brains” I do so in the most literal sense of the term. – Got to bed at 1.12 (on Sunday morning) … Faggot’s phone tinklink with text messages! Fuck me! I try everything to avoid disturbing others but faggot? Doesn’t give a shit about anything or anybody but self and that retched little flea-bag it carries about the house. And there’s a conversation going on over there with Lyle! And *I’m* a shit because I need a lift for WORK… A JOB? It’s so true that the “Reliefers” are hateful of people who work… and I still go back to what I’ve said for many a year: You who sit , get fat, do nothing and wait for your cheque to arrive in the post should be quite and most respectful of those of us who go to work and pay (involuntarily) taxes, because those taxes are what comes in your che que as you sit, get fatter and do nothing to earn a penny. – And in a chat with Lyle this evening before coming to bed he tells me how terrible the cold was today in BTV as they strolled Church St. and how difficult to breathe and such. “I can’t imagine how anybody could stand it out-side yesterday.” But *I* was out there yesterday… and you don’t give a shit. See? How well I “know” people… evil.- Going to sleep (I hope) now. – Dry oatmeal, 4 packets, chocolate with creamer, 2 PopTarts. Daily food intake.. – Bitter cold in the room. Heat-pad on the bed on but still COLD!
Sun.5.Jan: 11.07 Fucking yipping! Jeezusfukingkriste! Fran told how she had TWO chihuahuas and NEITHER of them EVER pulled any of this shit! And even SHE said: It’s not the animal… it’s the “owner”. Fucking faggot! – I’ve been awake from since 9.00. Yes, I over-slept (as if I have any reason to be awake and breathing anyway). And I had my cold coffee and I went down for my morning smoke. And in the sink… for day 3 now, dishes “soaking”. Utensils used to cook food that I certainly didn’t eat. Imagine that. Day 3. I didn’t cook any food. I didn’t eat any food. But apparently, those dishes will sit there until “I” go by and wash them. Fuck you fuck me. – And this morning began with the re-commencement of the plotting and planning for the walking and bussing to come in the next 2 weeks! Walking from Swanton to Franklin this week coming. Busses and walking from Frankling to Burlington to Jericho to Essex Junction to Burlington to Franklin. Every day it’s the same thing… walking in the cold, hoping for “pleasant’ weather that won’t be coming for, as the old guy in the post office said “Another 6 months… and that’s true too. – This room is so cold again this morning. And I can actually feel a draft crossing my face and hands. And I’m tired… so fucking, miserably tired. And I don’t understand why I bother with all of this “job” shit. I truly just don’t understand why I bother at all. Especially being in a house where there are 2 who could actually improve their own lot in life but choose… actively choose to sit, waste and whine. And how odd: nothing negative is said… about THEM! But ME? I bust my bones to work, work, work… and those others are free to dump shit, shit and more shit… ON ME! The faggot spends most of a 24-hour day in bed! It’s little dog shits and pees all over and it won’t pick up or clean up. The fucking yipping for no reason goes on through the night, into the next day… nothing is said. But ME? Buggerfuck me. OK? – It’s true… I have it all wrong. It’s not THEM who are the useless idiots in this scenario.. it’s actually ME! I need to learn to sit, do nothing, wait for the world to come hand me my needs… free and clear. I need to watch TV. I need to stay in bed. I need to ignore the comforts of everybody around me. I need to learn how to become a lazy, ambition-less slob. And THEN, all will be well with the world. – Buggerfuck me. – Noon. Bob came by to see if I’d figured my routine for the Windows bul-shit next week. And I’m still in the bed. And I’m out of bed now! And I’ve smelled their breakfast toasting… and me? Oh never mind me. – 12.24 Just back from a smoke… Went down-stairs and stood at the door-way to the living-room. Didn’t say or do anything… just stood there and Ellie BARKED AT ME! Then faggot’s little shit YIPPED AT ME! No reason. No cause. I just stood there! next thing I see: FAGGOT COMES ROUND THE CORNER GLARING AT ME! WHAT THE FUCK? JUST WHAT THE FUCK? GLARING AT ME! I SO, SO, SO NEED TO GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THIS SHIT! SOON! NOW! LAST YEAR! I NEED TO GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THIS SHIT! The longer I stay here, the more I feel like figuring a way to get back to NYC and back into the Shelter. It’s come to that. – 13.34 My nose is bleeding for some reason! Oh well. And as I sit here in the cold room, door open, my stomach is churning and the noise, the squealing and such, is actually and really NON-STOP! No ‘pain”… just all these noises coming from my bowels. Why can’t something just explode and have done with it? Maybe something truly” internally explosive”, bloody and all. I’d even give up going “HOME” for that opportunity. (Hateful, Bitter, Spiteful shit that I’ve become.) And I’m catching-up with yesterday’s Journal entry. Nice way to pass a day where the temperature is allegedly 30°F but still feels old enough for me to be sitting here with my hood on. – ***** 13.51 A thought: So what exactly do I “owe” you “a lot of money” for? The privilege of reclaiming your old barn space and cleaning it out? The privilege of restoring the old lawn mower and the privilege of mowing your lawn? Or the privilege of reclaiming your dead Mother’s garden? Or the privilege of restoring the flower beds round your house? Or the privilege of trimming your old rose bushes? Or maybe the privilege of reclaiming the area behind the bard and cleaning that up? Maybe I owe you for the privilege of occupying and un-heated room in the house. Or using the electric to keep the lap-top charged, or charging an iPod? Maybe it’s for the privilege of peeing in plastic juice bottles and flushing the toilet once or twice a day? Or could it be the 2 showers per month and the 2 loads of laundry per month (average now). OR… oh yes, the few tablespoons of food I eat … only when invited to do so… leaving so much over that MOST of it gets thrown into the garbage on a regular basis anyway? Hmmmm… I wonder… what do I “owe” you “a lot of money” for anyway?” Just a thought. ***** – 14.33 Caught up with the Journal. Thought crossed my mind: Yesterday, faggot tells me that it saved the left-over yams for me to make bread. “They” bought 25lbs of flour… so that I could make bread. I mentioned that, if we got the frozen-rain/ice storm today, it would be a wonderful day to make bread. It’s 14.34… I’m in no mood to make bread… I’m in no mood to do shit around here. I’m in the mood to have a smoke and that’s what I’m going to do. And if the bread issue is mentioned? Well… it’s like all the plans and schemes that had been mentioned before that never got done… by “the ladies”… AND… let us not forget how it was SO easily forgotten the I was told not to leave the house when all started to flop, or how I’ve “improved the place 500%” or how much I’ve put into the place to “bring it back” and how I’m “family” and appreciated here and yet I “owe us a lot of money!” and how I might leave the house but my “shit” “isn’t going anywhere until” I pay them what I owe. OK? Let’s think about that for a bit. But for now? I’m starting to get tired again! It’s the cold in this room. SMOKE TIME! – 20.17 Watched laFlaque!!! So my evening is done! SO happy about that. And joined a group for the rail line in Rockaway. Good good. – But the news for tonight: I’ve burned my oesophagus. Oh yeah. I don’t eat much anyway but now? Eating solid food is going to be even MORE of a challenge. At dinner (“dinner” hahahahah!) there was a Crock-pot stewed beef. (DRY!) I sat to table, had 1 potato and about 5 little carrots and was rather happy. But, SHOCK! Lyle offered A slice of beef. So I swallowed the piece of potato because, on the out-side, it was cool enough but the inside was HOT HOT HOT! And sure enough… it lodged in my throat and BURNED IT! Now I have a sore in the throat, making it difficult to simply swallow saliva. And for some strange reason, my entire body feels weird. Rather woozy. It’s painful. PAINFUL! Me plus food equals ABSOLUTLEY NOT! And of all the times, now, when I’m going to need… NEED nourishment! Tuesday’s weather is forecast to be clear, but back down to the minuses with winds of “39mph”! And I’ll be walking along the Franklin Rd. from Swanton where the land is open and flat. This is going to be so thrilling. Good. Maybe I’ll get a good wack of hypothermia and pass out along the way, drop to the side of the road and simply freeze. Ah… something to look forward to. And, at this juncture, I do. – Then, I just went out for a smoke. The freezing rain has begun (I’ve said nothing about it to anybody… let them see it in the morning). And when I came back in, faggot was in the kitchen filling its face. When Bob asked what it was doing… “Having a snack.” Right. I believe the term is “grazing”. Moo-oo-oo! I can’t help but think at times like this: Me, THE most active person in this house, surviving on a daily intake of less than 1000 calories per day… and the others, sitting about the place… lounging about the place all day and into the night… snacking and eating half pies and cookies and all sorts of shit. Meanwhile, there’s food rotting in the fridge but I don’t DARE go near it. In fact, it’s rather odd that I go to the kitchen to go to the back porch for a smoke and faggot heads for the kitchen… to make certain that I DON’T TAKE ANY FOOD! I SO, SO, SO DO MISS THE SHELTER! There’s just not one drop of “Humanity” here. Anyway, I’m just waiting for the bed to warm up (with my jammies under the blankets) and I’ll be in the bed ever so soon. There’s one smoke left in the pack. (I didn’t dare go near the store today… for fear of being seen and having to hear something about having money for cigarettes… SHIT! If I didn’t smoke, I’d be STARVED by now. Thank goodness for tobacco!) Tomorrow morning I can sneak out the door, get to the store. I have to get to the PO to ask about next Friday’s test and the hours and such. I think I’ll take a PO Box as well so that I can stop the whole “Worry” about mail being delivered. I really don’t have the money… and I’ll have to get back into St. Albans to get any more. But the peace of mind will be well worth the effort… even with the frost-bite warnings and dangers. Better to get frost-bite than to have to put up with this shit any longer. – And so, I’m already on page 6 of all this documentation and it has to be transferred to on-line. So I need to get busy whilst the bed warms. So, unless something happens in the mean time… this is “it” for this day. – Oh… faggot has gone to bed already… I have the door open and the light on. And I don’t give a jolly fuck. – And a note: The icicles from the roof have gone all “crystal clear” and are leaning to the South. The snow from the roof is sliding ever so slowly but not enough to drop. When it does… BOOM! I miss the icicles at Richford. I miss Richford. 21.33 Just in bed and I have to add… the PAIN IN MY THROAT IS INCREDIBLE! Regular swallowing, something we do with-out thinking, is PAINFUL! One bit of relief is mouth-breathing, taking in big gulps of air, but that relief doesn’t last long. It’s worse than a simple sore throat. And it feels as if there’s a lump (blister?) in there!
Meanwhile, faggot went to bed at about 20.00 and got all “tsk tsk tsk” because I had the door open. Now? the tinkling of its phone with all the text messages! Inconsiderate fag, won’t turn the volume on the phone down. THIS is worse than the Shelter! This kind of behaviour is to be expected in a Shelter. But THIS caliber of “Trash” here? Call a “fag” a “fag”. It is what it is.
Mon.6.Jan: 10.23 Woke with the alarm this morning at about 5.30 and was so damned tired that I was back to sleep at 6.00. Woke again at 9.53! There’s a lump (blister?) in my throat this morning and it’s PAINFUL as all Hell! Even worse than yesterday. Oddly, my entire body truly is “off””. And I would think it’s because I’m not eating properly and my immune system is probably on the verge of shut-down and here, now, something my body has to work on, but can’t. How wonderful it would be if this turns into something life-threatening… Hey! I don’t give a shit now. – The temperature has really risen!And over-night, the icicles not only melted, but the snow has fallen from the roof out-side the widow! AND I CAN SEE OUT OF ALL THE WINDOWS THIS MORNING! How novel! “January thaw”? NOAA says it’s 9°! (48F)!!! And that’s even warmer than it usually is in this room! Imagine that! Bad thing is, I want to get to the PO for a box rental and to the market (although I’d rather go to Mayhew’s) for smokes and the world is now rather wet ice all over. Getting out of the back door is going to be a challenge. The front porch is completely cleared but I don’t dare open the front door. Trapped. Just trapped. This is disgusting. “Trapped”. – Last night and this morning: the floor-plan for the Shelter is gone. Books “Midnight In The Garden of Good and Evil” is gone… my Mag-lights are gone. I’m miserable. I’m just waiting for the moment… DEATH. This is more than I can handle. TOO MUCH MORE THAN I CAN HANDLE. I will not live with all this bitterness in-side me. But I’ll take every drop of HATE off into where-ever the “energy” that was me into where-ever it is that that energy goes. And may it find its target… out there. – Ah… tomorrow? MINUS 26° chill factor! How FUN! I’ll be out on the roads… and tonight, all of this rain is to freeze. Ice, ice and more ice. My so-called… “life”. – 12.49 Well,,, postal address is now 201 here. It kills me to make the change of address and “officially” knock out the Richford address. But there’s just no way I can make it to Richford these days and the rest of days? Limited to the point where it isn’t even worth the thoughts. So? So… But at least I can get MAIL again! Why? To be paper-fucked, I suppose. And I have a pack a smokes. I have coffee. I have… I want out of this. I just want out of this. – Chatted a bit with Lyle this morning. Pleasant. It makes me nervous. I still remember all of the things and thoughts that he holds in his mind and then there’s the date and how far behind I am in the money owed. It bothers me terribly. Add, that nobody any-where is there to help. It’s exactly the same as the night I walked into the Shelter: NOBODY! But, no sense in occupying time on this. Time to move along… to what-ever. – I’m hungry, but the lump in my throat will probably make swallowing the oatmeal very painful. Look at that: I have something to eat and the eating will be painful. I’m just not supposed to eat! Face the fact! (Watch… tonight’s dinner will be something quite hot and spicy. Indeed. – But the rains are falling, the ice is melting and tonight the temperatures will plummet again… and all the world is… “normal”. If I could, I’d go right back to bed and sleep until I MUST wake in the morning… and tomorrow? ON THE ROAD BY NOT LATER THAN 6.30… IN MINUS WIND-CHILLS… to be followed by 11.00 and ONE THE ROAD IN MINUS WIND-CHILLS. Life… what a bloody fucking curse! I just pray for hypothermia and death… I’ll make it to a clump of trees… I swear I will… to lay me down, out of the way. – 15.15 Change of addresse faxed to NEFCU today. I found a free, eFax service! HEY HEY HEY! – The snow fell from the phone company roof… crushed the beautiful bush by the garden. I’m not saying a word about it. But the “drive” looks like the after-math of Sandy in Ft.Tilden! I got an empty-gut feeling when I saw that. – My FS application is still “in review”. WTF? I should be starved to death by now! (I did have a packet of oatmeal… cold… with LOTS of sugar, creamer and chocolate powder. Calories! It went down some-what OK.) – And… the PO Box is now “official” and the data on file is fine. Now I have to change the addresse on the FS records and I can’t find a way to do that. I also have to phone Fran and, in this house, with the old women about, I dread talking with anybody about anything! (And especially about the postal address?!?) This is a fucking shame, that I should have to feel that I must keep so much such a secret. But it’s none of their business and I know that if they hear anything, it’ll all be twisted and fucked. Well shit! If the weather would change and stay the way it was today, I’d be on the road to… some-where else. But for now… I rot. – 21.02 And so another day in “PairO’Dice” comes to a close. The temperatures are dropping back down to where they should be at this season, I “ate” 2 crab salad sandwiches (imitation crab), had a couple spoons of chocolate powder, and just before getting into bed, a packet of oatmeal (dry) and some creamer and sugar in hot water. – Spoke with Fran for a while this evening (also told Bob that she’d put my phone back into service… BFD) about next week. Turns out, she’s coming out of hospital on Monday morning and I might be able to get to the house with Devon and her. A little too early for my liking, but it’s 2$ less on the bus-fares. AND, Devon might be able to get me to the plant on Tuesday! Another 2$. I’ll find out as the week progresses. And this evening, Bob told me that I can take the car tomorrow for my running since I have to get to Swanton, then to St. Albans, then to Highgate. I’d already planned on taking the bike in the morning… had all my clothes and such laid-out. But… we shall see how it all goes in the morning. I doubt Lyle’s very happy about me taking the car… if Bob even told him. – This evening, very interesting to me: Bob asked faggot to join them in the “Media Room”. For what? Don’t know. But what-ever. And then, just before I came to bed, it was talking on the phone (after showering, which is something I should do but won’t… because I don’t want to use the water, I don’t really give a shit whether I do or not, and… I just don’t give a shit in general). Something is a-stir… but as long as it doesn’t put me out on the prairie, I don’t give a shit. That’s my attitude these days. I’m busting my all, taking nothing for granted, planning all my own plans and such. I’m looking at 4 nights of sleeping on the floor at Fran’s and trying to be able to learn something to pass a fucking test come next Friday. And I’m out there walking in frost-bite warnings. Hey! I don’t much give a shit about the rest of the world. So? So. – Now, to try to get some sleep. My throat is still bothering me with the lump/blister. But you know what? Maybe it’ll develop into some kind of systemic infection that I won’t address until it’s severe, at which point, I’ll simply take to the road and go HOME and wait it out. I’m ready to go HOME… have been for YEARS. This isn’t “living” and it sure as shit floats, isn’t “Life”. When the moment comes… I’m more than ready. But for tonight I crawl under the blankets that are quite warm, with the warmer to keep them that way through the night. If need be, I’m prepared to take the bike in the morning. And what the morning brings will only come when the morning comes… and not a moment before. So that’s that. In the meanwhile, tonight I watched “30 Vies” and all is well… may I go to sleep, not shit the sheets and not wake from sleep in the morning… or ever after. Amen. – 23.30 going to bed!
Tue.7.Jan: 5.42 and another sleppless night.
Imagine this: I peed in a bottle again this morning and made my coffee from a bottle of tap water that I have sitting on the desk. I’ll be out and running around today for a job. Faggot and her Ladyship will eat several times, pies and sandwiches, all sots of hot food and coffee, water and “pop” and watch TV…
AND I GOT YELLED AT FOR OWING MONEY AND TAKING THE CAR?
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING VIET NAM! FUCK YOU!
(And this morning’s first thoughts include the irreplaceable documents on TILDEN, that I got from the NATIONAL ARCHIVES and SULLY! THE FUCKING PAIN IN MY SOUL! THE FUCKING PAIN! I can’t live with much more of this… I just can’t!)
20.43 Well, well, well… and so it was. After another most restless night, I woke just in time to get dressed this morning, gulp a cold coffee and out the door. I felt like shit… needed a shower, but there’s just been no time (or energy, for that matter). Bob had made me a “breakfast sandwich” in their little “maker-thing”: egg, Canadian bacon and cheese. I truly wonder… I truly do. He’s thoughtful, and I wonder why. The other 2 wouldn’t dream of even offering the food for me to make anything on my own… And off we went! I dropped Bob at his job in Georgia and I took the 7 up to the Swanton PO. Got there early enough to sit in the car for a few moments and then went in. Robert, the PM, was so welcoming… and I got right on-line and at the tasks. HEY! By about 10.45 I had only 2 “modules” left so I asked if I could stay and finish. Robert had no problem with that and by 11.30 I WAS DONE! OK. So it knocked off 2,5hrs from the time I could have gotten paid, but if I didn’t, I’d have had to go back tomorrow for what? 45 minutes? And there’s no guarantee that I could have had the car, and I don’t like taking the car anyway. So, I’m relieved! – Next, it was off to the Credit Union to get the money for the Highgate PO. And yes, today I took a bit more, for MY NEEDS and for what I’d need for next week. (Bob asked that I put gas into the car… didn’t say how much, so I put in 30$ and almost filled the tank! But that was money that I most certainly could use. Still, I say, why not put the money into the gas? He’s sweet enough to let me use the car and today? BITTER COLD AND WINDY AS ALL HELL! It would have been TERRIBLE HELL biking in that wind!) – Out of the CU and into… WALMART! A PAIR OF GLOVES (water-resistant and warm at 9$), a “touque” at 2$, 2 large boxes of PopTarts and a small box of the peanut-butter PopTarts, AND I “treated” ME to a bottle of Vit.C (there’s a Swine Flu epidemic starting and I can’t afford to get that!) and a bottle of scented oil for… well… the room and maybe even for me. It’s one of those “skin irritants”, so I’ll have to be careful with it, but at least it’s a little something to kill an odour. Whilst at the Walmart, the phone: Her Ladyship: 10$ fettuccine Alfredo at Olive Garden and we’re going to pick-up Bob and go… to So.BTV! On the Shelburne Rd.! First of all, I was tired. Secondly, I’d been out running about all morning and it was already almost 13.00. And above all… not only do I have NO desire to go to Chittenden Cty… I have NO desire to dine with… It all smacked of Home Care! And it annoyed me. But… being the fuck-tard that I am, I went right along with it. OK. – Out of Walmart, 30$ in gas and up the road to the Highgate PO to part with 346$. I just CAN’T MAKE A DIME! EVEN WITH ALL OF THIS RUNNING AND BIKING AND SHIT! – Back to the house… and out the door to the Franklin PO to tell Jen about my hours this morning and to get the “latest”: NOBODY KNOWS WHEN OR WHERE THE TEST WILL BE HELD NEXT FRIDAY… AND NOW MY “TRAINING” WILL BE IN ALBURGH! NO BUSSES TO ALBURGH SO I’LL BE BIKING SOME 25 MILES TO AND 25 MILES FROM! AND AT 5.00 IN THE MORNING! AND, A COUPLE OF DAYS IS ONLY FOR 3,5 HOURS! HOW CHARMING! But… I shall do it… just because I’m hoping for a MAJOR SLAP of hypothermia and death en route. I’m tired of all of this, and if I can’t have a good opportunity to get the fuck out and go HOME… now, I’ll settle for death on the road. I don’t fucking care. I CAN’T fucking care. Besides, the soul-pain will end and that means more than anything in the Cosmos to me right now. – Back in the house, a moment to sit, with my jacket still on and her Ladyship announces it’s time to go! So, as I’m getting me ready to leave again, the ladies are already getting into the car! God forbid I should have a cold coffee or take a breath! – Well, the drive was fine and Lyle and I chatted along the way. Shame, we DO have much in common, save the fact that I can control my temper and he’s never learnt how to do that. But… We get to the road to Bob’s work and he’s standing at road-side… not too happy. He got in the back seat, I continued to drive. (I still think of how odd it is: I’ve not driven much in VT but I know how to get to so many places up here in only 2 years. It feels strange when I think about it. I know more of the roads and such than many born-Vermonters. Ah well… BFD as I say.) And so, the chit-chat in the car rolled along. – Olive Garden… I wasn’t hungry (my stomach has shrunken SO, SO much!!!) and the thought of eating made me queezy, But I had a 25$ gift card and I was going to put it to some use. Creamy chicken and gnocchi soup and some kind of breaded and fried lasagna thing… and coffee. (I SO wanted a drink! But I wasn’t about to pull out ANY money!) Well, as it turned out, my bill came to just short of 19$ and… imagine this… Lyle didn’t bring HIS gift-card so… I IMMEDIATELY said to take the 6$ remaining on my card and put it towards Lyle’s tab. Well, I was the only one who thought of such a thing, which shows me even more of the difference between me and the rest of them. And so it was decided that the balances on the 3 cards would go toward Lyle’s dinner and Bob threw in a 20 and all was settled. Over-all, the situation wasn’t all too bad, and the portions of my food were small, but the coffee filled the emptiness. I was sick when I’d done though. Seriously, my stomach won’t take food any more. Oh well. Good. The less I eat the better for the BDM. – Bob drove back, pissing and moaning about having to stand out in the cold for the 10 minutes he waited for us to fetch him and all I kept thinking about was (and still) ME, walking in MINUS 13°F on my trip to St. Albans and not once, whining about it. And today? The temperature was PLUS 10! HE stood for 10 minutes… I walked for THREE HOURS! Well, well, well… TOO-fucking-bad-boo-hoo. I’ve NO compassion left in any part of mu body or soul for anybody any more. (Maybe that’s what I came back North for… to get rid of that shit.) – And so… the ride went along with Her Ladyship whining about seat-belts and such, and the rest of the car? Shallow chat. – THEN WE GET TO THE HOUSE AND… THIS IS TO LAUGH! THEY all walk in and head to the kitchen, attitudes and snoots and such abounding. ME? I come in and the first thing I think of is: the dogs need to go pee! Poor little Dixie (and Ellie too, for that matter) BOLTED when I simply said “pee-pee”! And out we went! And only for a moment because, well, it’s BITTER cold again tonight and the world is glazed in ice! BUT WHEN WE GOT BACK INTO THE HOUSE… (and yes, I am revelling in this…) LYLE WAS IN A TIRADE ABOUT GETTING RID OF THE DOGS! (Though, not Dixie… thankfully.) I wanted to take the 3 dogs out, but faggot’s little useless piece of shit wouldn’t go… out. BUT, IT PEE’D AND SHAT ON THE FLOOR! HAHAHAHAH! AND LYLE WAS PISSED TO HIGH HEAVEN AND BLOODY HELL! AND TONIGHT, I GOT TO HEAR “HE WON’T CORRECT HER…!” (faggot won’t correct it’s dog…) “WON’T RUB HER FACE IN IT, WON’T DO ANYTHING TO STOP IT AND I’M TIRED OF IT! THE SHITTING, THE PEEING AND THE BARKING! I KNOW YOU LIKE RANDY BUT THIS HAS GOT TO END!” And Bob defended the faggot! “He corrects her. He tells her to stop.” But Lyle would hear none of it (and it put him into an even nastier mood.) Me? I simply enjoyed the HELL out of the whole situation and came up to the (COLD, COLD, COLD!) room, smiling all the way. THIS… IS…
SCHADENFREUDE!!!!! And it’s WONDERFUL! I’m still peeing in plastic bottles to avoid leaving the room and being barked at. I’m locking me in this cold room because even when I simply walk down the stairs that “thing” barks at me. I’m trapped! And thus far, I’m being reprimanded for shit and the noise and shit and piss issue isn’t being addressed. But tonight? We shall see what comes of it. (It’s 21.46 as I type this… the house is quiet, Lyle was in bed by 19.30, Bob went shortly there-after and I have cause to think that faggot is putting it’s affairs in order to leave. Fukshit4brains will NOT, just will NOT take ANY responsibility for ANYTHIING! I can’t help but think that it’s “family” is happy to be rid of it… and if they’re not? Let them take the 2 of these “things” back. Yes, it’ll probably put more stress on me if faggot leaves, since faggot is the source of food in the house. But I’m not thinking of being here much longer. Shit! If I’m going to be out on the roads at 5.00 to get to work in… ALBURGH… in SUB-FREEZING temperatures, there isn’t much time for me here anyway… and Bob and Lyle can have their happy little home back… as they were. (The yard, barn, flower-beds, garden and all can rot… and I don’t give a shit.) – Meanwhile… I’m looking at FIVE DAYS OF NO TRAVEL! NO NEED TO GET ON THE ROAD UNLESS I WANT TO! 5 DAYS! – Bad news? The left boot NEEDS REPAIR AND NEEDS IT NOW!!!!! (More memories of more lost: no needle and thread to repair it myself… thanks Nancy Liarfuckingshit. More reason/cause to be depressed to the point of welcoming death and hoping it comes… SOON!) – But for now, the bed-warmer is fighting the bitter cold in this room. 21.53 and time for me to browse a bit, have a PopTart and get some rest. Tomorrow morning I’ll wake just in case I need to bring out some garbage. But as for the rest? FUCK-IT FUCK-IT FUCK-IT – I wonder how this whole issue with the dog-shit-and-pee will go down tomorrow. I hope I can hold-back the smiles if it comes to battle.
Wed.8.Jan: 8.07 I’ve been up from since 5.45 and just got back up to the room from the morning smoke. Found Lyle on the sofa, watching TV and we chatted. He brought up last night’s little “incident” and is rather fed up with situations concerning the shit and piss on the floor. In the chat, he mentioned “people who refuse to correct their dogs…” and I mentioned that I’m still peeing in bottles to avoid waking the house-hold. He mentioned that he told Bob that he didn’t feel he should apologise. And I mentioned that I find it rude that there’s the inconsideration of the fact that he (Lyle) is on antibiotics, most likely due to walking barefoot and stepping into the shit and piss on the floors. And so, I take comfort in the knowing that I’m not alone in this house, angered by the absence of basic intelligence and respect for others. And all the while, better understanding where this apathy and disrespect is coming from. – Lyle mentioned putting the house up for sale and finding a smaller place where HE can be comfortable. Gee… I wonder where that puts Bob… Yes, I wold think that I should think about where it puts me… but “me” isn’t an issue because “me” is always thinking in terms of going HOME anyway. – And then… a bag of pellets on the back porch? Faggot brought the bag to that point and then left it. So typical. No responsibility. – The plumbing in the down-stairs loo froze last night. The ice and snow need to be cleared from the side of the house to make a path to the front. The water basin on the pellet stove was dry. Things that need to be addressed. Now, I wouldn’t expect Lyle to get out there to shovel. I’d only half think of him thawing the pipes. But faggot is in bed, as usual, with no sign of waking any time soon. It’s got a dog that needs to be taken out for “nature calls” and there are other dogs that need the same. Me? I don’t have any “pets” and I see no reason or cause where-by I should have to even think about such things as taking the “pets” out for such things. I do it on a regular basis though… especially Dixie. – Being in this house has taught me lessons… lessons that I’ve already known but lessons that are repeated: (a) I am so happy that I am NOT “sharing my life” with any-one. “Relationships” are horrible situations, with a steady flow of some kind of disturbance to one or the other party. I’ve neither patience nor the need (nor the desire for) of such shit. (b) Between the selfishness and apathy I see here, in the house and on the social media, I have NO desire to meet any-one else for ANY kind of “relationship” at all. “People”, in general, have all gone simply repulsively nasty and have become worthless. Flash-back: Penelope, with an entire house… proclaiming “love” for Thomas and yet, would NOT offer him shelter when he needed… then came “Sandy” and people looking for shelter and her first concern: how they’ll pay her to occupy space that she doesn’t even visit with-in her house. Then me… from Rockaway to Franklin: mowing lawns, shoveling snow, chopping ice, tending the yards… and the faggot, running off to bed, sitting on the sofa sucking beer and booze, watching TV… Me, hitching around the North Country on errands, in frost-bite weather. And liars like my sister and then Nancy. And “me”, with no more actual compassion for others and yet, this morning, I brought in the bag of pellets, filled the water-basin, and am thinking in terms of thawing plumbing and chopping more ice. My only pair of boots are falling apart and yet I continue. The only place these facts are given “voice” is here. Meanwhile, I smile to the rest of the world. Am I “correct”? Most likely not. But… – Well, it’s become 15.21. And in the North Country, that’s the end of another day. Me? I tried to get the ice chopped from the side of the house, but it’s so solid that there’s just no chopping it. And, I’ve learnt the difficult way, that the gloves from the Wlamart are useless when it comes to fingers. BURN! WOAH! Painful. The gloves from the Liar2 were wonderful. But, as the adage goes: easy come, easy go. And, as the reggae song chanted: happy riddance. But know I know that those new gloves will be all but useless for the bike-ride to Alburgh. I’ll have to figure something out for that. – Moving along… to accomplishments: I got the hot water running i n the down-stairs loo! So happy, me. And I got a pack of smokes and a new lighter (because the one from Fran is about to run out… sad). And the new trash barrels are off the street. They’re HUGE! Two of them. But I slip-slided my way across the ice with them. The day was not a waste, in spite of falling back to sleep and not waking until about 11.00. (I’m exhausted. Gee… I wonder why. Eh?) – Got a message on Twtr this morning. I don’t know her by name but a gal who’s been communicating with me since the Shelter days said that she’s going to put something toward the GFM tomorrow! Oh, may it be the beginning of something that will finally kick in! I need BOOTS! I NEED GLOVES! I NEED clothes to bike-ride to Alburgh in! I don’t ask for much. I don’t actually NEED much. And I don’t need anything too terribly “long term” either. – Speaking of which… spoke with Lyle this after-noon. Interesting chat. First off, the faggot made the announcement (again) that somebody will be coming to take the little piece of shit away and shortly there-after, it will be leaving as well. Imagine: rather than correct and discipline the little piece of shit, take responsibility to ensure that the little fuck doesn’t shit and pee on the floor, the faggot is leaving. Well, there’s what it called “White Trash” and then there’s even lower and there we have it… lower. The utter and complete stupidity. And to think, as Lyle even said: “Bob likes…” the faggot. Me, personally, I believe I know why: blow-jobs. No sense in being delicate about it any more. I’ve been here through enough of them and that’s just the way it is (strike up the band and sing). But that’s no reason or excuse for the blatant disregard and disrespect. As for me, I now have the added worry and anxiety of getting my debt to this house caught up. Yes, indeed, I put in more manual labour than the owner-ship of this residence. Often to the point where it’s detrimental to my own well-being. (And as I type I think: it’s a good thing I don’t have a vehicle because I’d more than likely be expected to chauffeur these 2 about the country-side! A blessing, indeed.) But that’s just not the point. To wit: the pellet stove ran out today… just when I came in with frozen-white fingers. I ignored the fact and left it. Note: when I went into the basement to thaw the water pipes I noticed that the boiler had kicked in. So, I didn’t bother to give it another thought. Fuck me! Fuck them! Fuck it all! You want heat? You DO something to get it! I have 5 days where I don”t HAVE to be on the roads in the freezing weather and I’m NOT going to kill myself to ensure YOUR comfort. I might not particularly like being cold all the time. But when it comes to where I no longer “want” to do, I’m simply not going to do. Especially not when TOO MUCH of this shit reminds me TOO MUCH of Margot, sitting there in the royal recliner making royal requests of the serfs and peasants (all of whom were… ME!). – And the chat with Lyle was interesting because he came to the room and was looking about, noticing things like pictures that have been on the walls from since before I got here. Apparently he’s not been near the room for a very long while. When I mentioned something about sitting at the window and typing, working on book and journal, he came up with the working title “View From Daisy’s Window”. I like it! I’ll work with it (in between all the rest of what I occupy my days with… such as this journal). – And so, as it approaches 15.45, my fingers and toes return to their usual frozen phase (yes, I’m in the room). And Lyle’s in bed. The faggot threw together something in the Crock-pot for “dinner” and is now lounging in front of the TV, down-stairs in the warmth. It actually put pellets into the stove! I heard form Lyle’s room. So… it CAN actually DO something. Still, I marvel, to an extent, at how fucking lazy and stupid: all ti would take is a couple of snaps to the snout of that little flea-bag and a bit of disciplinary action and all would be fine… but the fucker is just too damned lame-of-mind to grasp that simple gesture. (Although… I don’t put it past the sissy-arsed shit to be playing this to its advantage… the bad thing… the worst bit of it all is… the faggot is now pitting Bob and Lyle against each-other and THAT is bloody EVIL! Not surprising at all… but EVEL none-the-less. None of my business… and I will NOT be dragged into it.) – 19.39 Giving up on the day. Spoke with Fran tonight. The best part of the week in Chittenden is that I’ll be able to meet her and Devon at the hospital, so no hanging about in BTV for the day and no bus travel from BTV to Jericho. And she was so en pointe with the issues of me helping Burton get his job, and being there for him and keeping what was, essentially, “his” house through the Winter last year. Yes, I am an idiot and yes, I am here in this world to be somebody else’s moron. I suppose, if there’s any truth to any rumours about existence, everything on Earth serves some sort of purpose and my purpose is to be here to be there for others. But certainly not the converse. Although, I must and have to admit: it’s cold out there and I’m in here. It may not be the warmest place in the North Country, but I’m not huddled under a pile of snow or laying on a side-walk grate in Manhattan. I have sheets and blankets and 3 pillows, and even in spite of the little shit across the hall, it’s all rather quiet and I can sleep as late as I’d like to (if only I could get my “self” to do that). I wasn’t told until I showed up down-stairs to go out for my smoke, but Bob said “The chili in there is still hot.” (I was on the phone with Fran when he and Lyle returned from Lyle’s doctor appointment… but wasn’t told that they were eating. Still, I’ll bet they just grabbed and didn’t sit at table… faggot probably made it unbearably uncomfortable for them… oh well then.) But even if the food isn’t “hot”, and I wasn’t actually “invited” to partake, the food is there. (And no, I didn’t take any… I’ve been eating the PopTarts through-out the day… just what I need: more sugar and shit in my digestive tract. Tomorrow should be interesting.) – Fran kept telling me not to pack much when I come down unless I want to return with a 50lb back-pack. I HOPE she’s not buying stuff for me! I have to send her an e-mail. As it stands now, I’ll be getting back into St. Albans at about 18.00 or later and walking/hitching to Franklin on Friday night. (And then getting on the road at about 4.30/5.00 on Saturday to bike to Alburgh.) But the trip to Franklin… I don’t even know how I’m going to get me and the necessary clothes back on that trip. But… I do what I must. – And so, because I’m not going to eat “food” and I’m rather tired (“weak” is more like it), and the house is quiet and I’m not in the mood to be “social”… and I certainly don’t want to be torn and dragged into the depression, compliments of the faggot, I’ve decided to simply get under the covers, turn on the warmer and hope for sleep through the night. It’s the best I can do with what’s here. So, on that note, I shall get this posted to the on-line, turn on the radio (French through the night), turn off the light and wrap up yet another… day. –
Thu.9.Jan: 5.49 Just blew my nose and a large clot of blood came out. Again… same as a few days ago. I wonder what the fuck this is about. – My throat is sore after coffee. Still from the burn… a few days ago. – I woke in a foul mind for no particular reason. Faggot across the hall… that whole situation bothers me. Does shit… round the house, about the dog, in general and then tosses a fucking sissy fit because Lye doesn’t appreciate walking in dog piss and shit? And *I* should watch *MY* step round here? FUCK YOU! – But then… just before I went to bed last night I checked the GFM page…. 10$! “Kimberly” put in 10$! A start! A beginning! And I hope more will come! It won’t,at this point, make much of a difference for Winter clothes this year. (Which means… nor next year.) But maybe, just maybe… We shall see. I am appreciative of any and all help since I don’t when I need… usually. (Let’s face it: Fran said she’d sent me an e-mail at 2.00 yesterday… which means she’s awake at 2.00 which means I’m not going to get any sleep for a WEEK! ALL OF NEXT WEEK! When I have to take a test on Friday and if I don’t pass the test on Friday, I don’t start work on Saturday. Not to mention, I’ll be walking from St. Albans to Franklin on Friday night and then biking from Franklin into Alburgh on Saturday morning… on NO SLEEP! Oh yeah…. this is all happening quite well… I can see it all now. – “Help”, yup.- Well, at least I know why I woke in a foul mood. – I’m going for a smoke. Soon, all the PopTarts I ate yesterday will be coming through and I’ll have to shit my out… probably in the bed-pan. – There’s a lot of motion and moving about out-side the room door this morning. I wonder… faggot leaving? – 6.14 and the fragrance of fresh-brewed coffee. Something I haven’t had in….. Seriously? This morning, I’d like to SMASH somebody! I’m going out for a smoke. Bob’s still here but I don’t give a fuck. And then I’ll come back… probably to shit in the bed-pan. – 6.51 Smoke and shit done and it’s cold in the room. And the post for the lifts to Alburgh is on-line. I’m not going to plan on that. But the “good” thing (if there is one) is that the Alburgh leg of all of this shit isn’t needed until the week after next. I’m still not in a very good mind-set. – As I took my morning dump, which was rather painful… but the first in a while, the thought: When I’d mentioned, in a recent chat with the house, about needing to go to Essex for the additional training, Lyle’s remark was “I’d just tell them that that’s not convenient.” Yes, of course you would. But me? I want this job, and yes, it is inconvenient, but what’s more inconvenient is not getting paid and not having a job. And I’ve already lost opportunities because of “inconvenience”… like, not getting the job in North Hero and Alburgh because of being in Jericho. So, m’dear Ms. Toogoodforyou, you WANT “You owe us a lot of money!”? Well, so do I! And NOT working isn’t going to bring that in. AND… YOU aren’t the one who’s making the trips… on a bike, before sun-rise, in the cold. So, since you’ll be sitting… rather.. “lounging” about, wallowing in self-pity and nasty moods and attitudes, waiting to be “served”… it doesn’t seem that your opinion on the matter makes any difference nor holds any particular importance. Besides… that trip to Olive Garden? You’re welcome… I filled the gas tank and made it possible… so you could fill your 301lb gut with fettuccine Alfredo. SOOoooo? And I’m not asking YOU for a lift. I see no validity to your opinion nor your statement. You’re welcome. – (Oh… this is going to be an “interesting” sort of day. I’m not looking forward to it. I think I’ll just take a “nap”. What the fuck? Eh? Why not?) – 22.53 ANOTHER DAMNED FLY IN THE ROOM!!! WHAT THE FUCK? – It was a day of keeping ever so busy. I decided to make another blog… this one linked to the donations of GFM. As of today, there’s 50$ in that account! There’s support coming in from 3 women, I tend to think they’re from a church group in the South, all from The88 on Twtr! Kimberly started with 10. Mia added 20 and Preya added another 20. The88 posted to Twtr that she’s going to put in more. And I just broke down and cried for most of the day. (Nobody knows about that, of course. But then, nobody in the house knows what I’ve been going through with any of this. They all see me waltzing about as usual. Nobody knows. Everybody thinks I can’t be hurt, because nobody ever sees me cry. And that’s the way I want it… that’s as it should be… that’s as it will be.) – I had dinner tonight. 2 franks on rolls, chili with rice. 2 servings! (And to my utter amazement… the dishes got done!) No doubt, I’ll be paying for the food… no doubt I’ll feel terrible in the morning because there’s food in my stomach. It was a day of MANY PopTarts all day. Not so much because of hunger but because… well… just because I could, I suppose. When those make their way through my system there’s Hell to be paid there! I’ll be shitting like mad… and I need a shower already anyway. – At one point during the day, I managed to get in a chat with Lyle. He’s so depressed of late. And he has such a snap temper. Things get to him quickly. I used to be the same way… until I burned out and just can’t give a shit any longer. He’s dissatisfied with the house, faggot’s little shit bothers him terribly. What I don’t understand is: this is HIS house and yet, he does nothing about faggot and the little shit. I wonder… he says Bob “likes Randy”. Well? Too fucking bad! “Randy” is a disrespectful bit of trash who is in dire need of an attitude adjustment. As for that dog? There’s nothing but empty threats of rubber bands round the snout and such. But, like old women, nothing comes of the threats and the yipping and the pissing and the shitting continue. And surely, I’m not going to get involved in any manner because I’ll be the one tossed to the roads. I know this to be a fact. So? The dog yips, it gets on Lyle’s nerves… Shit! No matter what I do, it’ll be “wrong” and I’ll be “punished”: If I do anything, I’ll be tossed… If I don’t do anything, I’ll be tossed. Lose-lose. All’s “normal”. – Didn’t get to talk with Fran today. She was out for appointments during the day and by evening, there was no way I could sit any-where with any degree of privacy here. So… – 22.55 I was still working on the new blog! I NEED TO MAKE A WASH! I NEED TO CUT MY HAIR. I NEED TO DO THEBED LINENS. I NEED TO LOOK PRESENTABLE FOR NEXT WEEK. SO MUCH I NEED TO DO AND YET…? I’m SO UNCOMFORTABLE about doing anything that I NEED to do! It’s all going to come down to the last moment. But perhaps I’ll just get to it all tomorrow… Lyle tends to stay down-stairs during the day so I can probably cut my hair and shave then. As for the wash? We’ll see where that fits in… if at all. Faggot just gets up and does… I don’t see why I shouldn’t. I haven’t done the bed in about 2 weeks now. Shower? About 3-4 days. I’m just so fucked all round, all the time. This is all getting to me… I just so wish I could get some really nice “January thaw” and get the fuck out… go HOME!!!!! – Anyway, time to wrap it all up. Tonight, for some reason, I’m thirsty. I need to conserve the water in the bottles for coffee in the morning. Ah… diabetes… or salt from dinner? Who the fuck knows and who the fuck cares? Really? Not I. *I* want to go HOME!!!!!
Woke with the alarm. Went back to sleep. Just up from morning smoke. Was hoping to make wash. Lyle asleep in living-room and the curtain to the door-way is closed. – Anxiety day this morning. I keep thinking of sleep deprivation next week. Devon to work at 7.30 and me at 8.00. Shower? I’m thinking of not knowing where the test will be held and when. With the PO, they might toss me off to WRJ or farther away! And I’m thinking of coming back on Friday and getting up on Saturday morning… biking to Alburgh… Will it rain? I’ll have to be on the road at 5.00. And the cold weather will be back. I’m in one of those mind-sets where it’s all daunting. I need to snap out of this. It will be what-ever it will be and there’s little I can do about it. – I can’t afford to get a car. I can’t finance a car. I have to get the TD account settled and even then it will be 6 months before I can get a card. I’ll need to shop for trousers, no doubt. Can’t order those with-out a banque card. – So screwed. – Today is mid-month… another month’s rent due. It’s growing to the point of over-whelming. – So much on my mind and nobody knows… nobody knows. – 21.05 SHOWERED AND IN BED!!!!! The others? Out… “St. Albans” they said. Lyle showered for the trip and me? I was asked, more or less, at the last minute. Me? I SHOULD have done my washing. But I didn’t know how long they’d be gone. I should have known… it’s been about 3 hours now. But, I trimmed my beard, brushed my teeth, HOT, HOT, HOT showered and now I’m actually so warm that I’m too warm in the bed. Imagine that! It’s been, well, it seems like and eternity since the last time I was “warm”. I ate too. About 5 tablespoons of the tuna-noodle, or “hot dish”. Yes, there are left-overs and yes, I was informed that there was more. But, as is usual, eating makes me sick to my stomach. I’ve eaten “many” PopTarts all through the day, and had many coffees. But sitting at table and eating makes me nauseated. Now I’m not sure if it’s the “You owe us a lot of money!” statement, or if my body just won’t take food any more. No matter. The fact is, sitting at table and eating makes me sick. Who would have thought I’d ever come to this point? Who could have even imagined? But it’s YEARS of conditioning… conditioning to where taking in food, nourishment, is sickening. Being at Fran’s will be interesting… especially since Devon will be there… he can “see” how fucked-up I actually look. – As for the day: I amused me with social media and random thoughts that I looked-up. I worked a bit on the “Miseltone130” blog, I browsed through FB and such. I cleaned up the images files I have. I kept ever so occupied through the day. I chatted briefly with Lyle. And that’s about it. – I wanted to phone Fran this evening but it’s now after 21.00 and I don’t want to disturb Devon. Heaven knows he probably doesn’t get much sleep with Fran parading about the house at all hours of the night. So it will have to wait until tomorrow. Hopefully it will be warm enough weather so that I can get out of the house to phone. AND… in the morning, I’m hoping to get to he laundry. I have things to pack and me to keep clean. Why? I don’t really know. But I should. – Anyway… after the shower, I went for a smoke and since somebody already broke into the vodka that was there, I simply poured a mouthful. I’d certainly like more, but I don’t dare. A shame, really. It would be delightful to just get “dozed” enough to fall asleep. But I don’t want faggot to have anything to talk about and I’m certain there will be something said. – A note here: Bob likes the faggot. I know they all met via some trist a while back. Bob even said that Lyle doesn’t like the faggot “the way he likes him”. So I wonder, at times: despite the fact that the faggot spends so much time with Lyle (on the sofa, watching TV and cooking), I wonder just how Lyle feels about having that little piece of stuff in the house. I saw how it disrespects Lyle… I saw that in the back yard this Summer. And Lyle just went right along with it… the times that he was actually there. So I wonder… I just wonder. – That noted, it’s time for me to “amuse” me and check the social media and then? I don’t think I’ll be able to get to sleep and stay asleep. The “crew” is out and when they return there will be all sorts of barking and yipping. If I get to sleep, it’ll be broken when they return. But, it’s 21.20 and I’m actually a bit tired. Hungry too… Funny that; I get… they just returned and on cue… BARK! YIP! SHRIEK! FUCK! – Funny that; I get hungry, but when it comes time to eat, the food makes me sick. Oh well… – So let’s see if anybody comes up to the room. Let’s see what transpires. There’s the usual yelling for the dogs (to take them out… they’ve just been out… of course, not faggot’s little piece of shit though) and the slamming of doors. But… let’s see what happens next. (Nothing, I suspect.) – 22.56 Well, the social media is done and so am I. Just up from the night’s smoke. The kitchen is loaded with snacks of all sorts, including a HUGE bag of M&Ms, the others are nestled in the living-room in front of the TV, grazing, in robes and pyjamas. It’s quiet. They’re probably drunk. And I’m 4th man out. Usual. – It’s balmy out there tonight! Actually PLUS 1! Imagine… that’s so comfortable that, if I wasn’t tired, I’d dress and go for a walk! (If only I was in Richford tonight… I’d take a stroll HOME.) Alas. – Well, I’m a bit hungry, a bit thirsty. Even a soda would be a delight right about now. So, instead, I’ll do what I usually do when this happens… lights out. Go to sleep, think about how to get my wash done tomorrow… and pack for the coming week. I have to check the air in the tyres on the bike too. I’ll be rolling in on Friday next and rolling back out at 5.00 on Saturday morning. Oh well. – I want to find that article on that guy in GA who walked 29 miles and made the local news. That just kicks me in the face to think I’ve been doing that and more and getting no coverage. Imagine that!
http://www.wptz.com/news/national/Police-help-man-who-walked-30-miles-to-court/-/8869978/23871594/-/7mojtjz/-/index.html
Police help man who walked 30 miles to court
Officers foot Atlanta man’s cab ride home after harrowing journey
UPDATED 4:41 PM EST Jan 10, 2014
By AJ Willingham HLNtv.com
(CNN) —After a polar freeze hit most of the United States this week, one suburban Atlanta resident went above and beyond to stay on the right side of the law.
The Georgia man, identified by local media only as James, walked a staggering 29 miles Tuesday in single-digit temperatures just to make sure he made it to the Lilburn Municipal Court on time.
James had been issued a ticket after a crash that totaled his car, and he was afraid that a warrant would be issued if he didn’t show up. Fortunately, a Lilburn police officer was there to help make his day a little easier.
Officer Andy Blimline was inside the courthouse when James came in, huffing and puffing from the cold.
“I was just joking with him, and I said, ‘What, did you run here?'” Blimline told HLN.
“No, I walked,” James replied.
Blimline said he was floored to learn that James had started walking from a shelter in Atlanta at 1 that morning. The trek took him about eight hours.
When court let out, Blimline saw James putting on his gloves and preparing for the long walk back home.
“I asked him, ‘Hey, did you find someone to come and pick you up?'” Blimline said. “He said he didn’t have money for a cab, and I said, ‘Well let me pay for you.’ At first he said no, but I told him I wouldn’t take no for an answer.”
Eventually, James accepted Blimline’s offer. Some officers who had been standing near Blimline offered to chip in — the 29-mile trip added up to about an $80 fare.
“As he was getting in the cab, he said ‘God Bless You,’ and gave me a big hug,” Blimline said.
The small gesture made a big impact in the community.
HLN affiliate WSB, which reported that temperatures got down to 6 degrees that day, posted the story on its Facebook page, and it netted hundreds of likes. Blimline says his department has gotten calls and e-mails thanking him and his fellow officers for their compassion.
“Everybody here has been really happy with it,” he said.
As for James, little is known about where he came from or why he had to make such a difficult walk. His public defender didn’t show up the day of his trial. Blimline surmised that the attorney may not have known the courts were open despite the extreme weather.
“Since his attorney didn’t show up, [James] decided he just wanted to continue without his lawyer,” Blimline said. “He pled guilty to a reduced charge … which carries a fine of $50.”
If James is able to pay the fine before next week, he won’t need to come back to court — on foot, in a cab or by any other means.
Copyright 2014 by CNN NewSource. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
(So what about the Copyright? It’s fitting in this Journal and I have PAGES of many more travels, at longer distances, in temperatures HOT and tempeartures BITTER. And a book of my Homelessness. And it’s here, and not on the news. I don’t care anymore… I just don’t give a shit.)
January 2014 - Remainders of Life
Sat.11.Jan.2014 21.45
This is the end of it… This was the little unit that held all of what was left of my life: 5ftx5ftx8ft with room to spare. 59 years on Earth… and this was ALL. And now even this is gone!
Porsche lied to me, told me that the unit was available. I took the subway out to the site to learn that the unit was NOT available. Porsche phoned me again, and actually confirmed that the unit was available. Again, I took the subway out to the site. Two day’s pay lost. When I contacted Bill Miller, he said he’d cover a month’s rent on the unit (1/4 of my losses. Days later, I had to phone him to remind him of his promise. He didn’t give a shit to begin with. Porcshe is still working for Storage Post. They’re proud of her.
I will never forget her kindness, compassion and wonderful disposition. She kept the building immaculate. She recovered the building after a hurricane. She is truly a “Human-being” and that’s probably why Storage Post got rid of her.
Going through what’s left of my life here, with me, I came across this. It’s a cloth to clean eye-glasses, probably from some point in the mid-1970’s or early 80’s. The place no longer exists, but I still have this little bit of cloth… My “history”.
I received this as change for a purchase in Flushing Queens when I had to go back April to June 2013. Those were the months when I moved from storage unit 4418 to 3023.
First visit to Frelighsburgh QC… I’d walked from Franklin VT on this hot, Summer day. It was SO good to be on HOME ground again!
19 Church Street. A beautiful house that was impossible to heat over the Winter of 2012-2013 but the house in which I published my first book and delighted in listening to the music I’d collected for the iPod as I danced and shoveled snow and ice from the drive. Burton all but deserted me. But he did what he had to do, I did what I had to do, which included walking to the IGA and Home Hardware in Sutton. I wonder how Ira is doing these days.
I can’t believe that I still have this MetroCard! I held on to it because of the message. I had others of this printing and many more with poetry and other graphics… They’re all gone now.
ben Yehuda 153
Tel Aviv
1986
Today, 11 January 2014, I was shocked, pleasantly, when I came across these! I was certain that they’d been left in storage! I have nothing much to prove, to me or others, anything of my past, and these don’t necessarily prove anything, but I now where they came from, I know how I got them and Wilder wanted me to give them to HIM whilst I was in NYC this Summer past. Right! Not a chance! And here they are. I shall, in all probability, have them on me when, at last, I go HOME. Meanwhile, they will serve as a constant reminder… NEVER TRUST ANYONE FOR ANY REASON EVER AGAIN!
This, these little bits of paper and such are all that’s left of my 58 years 5 months of “being” on this planet. This, these little bits of what others will someday throw to the trash, are “it”. This, these little bits of “stuff” that have no meaning to others, have no particular value (other than the dollar) are “The End” of my “line”. And all of these little bits of “nothing” will continue to remind me… NEVER TRUST ANYONE FOR ANY REASON EVER AGAIN!
Sat.11.Jan: 12.43 It was 2.12, an area code that I am increasingly coming to miss of late, when the moans, and the groans, and the shots of “Fuuuuk!” came rumbling through the closed door. The low-pitched and the high-pitched, almost incomprehensible sounds that wafted across the hall and into the dream, more like the night-mare of sleep and awakeness. And it continued, unabated. And I’d been asleep for a few hours, but that was to end. And it was not unusual. And it was not un-expected. And I wondered then, as I wonder now, whether or not it was intentional. A reminder of who “is” and who “is not” a member of the clique; who “is” and who “is not” a part of the over-all unit; who is the “family” and who is the “foreigner”. A reminder… I wondered then… I have wondered before… I wonder now… I will always wonder… and yet, I know, all too well, because it is as obvious as the sun on a clear day, the rain in Summer and the ice in Winter. It is obvious and incontrovertible. – The DREAM: Night. Cold. I was in a black sedan-type vehicle, sitting alone in the front seat. The surroundings were similar to Carol St. in Waubeeka, where Berie and Mimi had their house (how strange, as I think of the location) yet as rural as a dirt road in Vermont. The engine was running and I was waiting for Mum to come out of the house. It wasn’t where we lived. She was visiting or there for some known-unknown reason. I had to pee which meant I had to leave the car, but if I did, I was worried that the door would lock and I wouldn’t be able to get back into the warmth of the car. So I waited until I couldn’t wait any longer. I tried to turn the engine off, but there was no key in the ignition. I turned the ignition on the steering column, and the engine stopped. I went to get out of the car and a woman (Mum or another, it’s ambiguous) got in. Suddenly, instead of being in the front seat, I was in a middle row of seating, and behind me, there was a baby, wrapped warmly and (oddly) wrapped in black plastic sheeting to keep it warmer (as I understood in the dream). Next, there was a young girl in the passenger side of the front seat… my sister. (People just suddenly were there as the dream progressed.) The woman driving (who-ever she was at this juncture) started the car. She was annoyed at or with something. She didn’t speak, and we pulled away and began moving down the road toward “Danbury”? We drove a while and I said “You know I have to be dropped off here.” I was going to some-where (I don’t know where) and hadn’t planned on being in the car when the woman returned. The driver snapped at me: “Ill leave you where it’s convenient for ME!” And I calmly replied “OK. But the farther away you go, the farther I have to walk back.” “YOU CAN WALK! YOU’VE DONE IT BEFORE! DON’T GIVE ME ALL THIS TROUBLE!” the driver yelled at me. My anger rolled, rose and roared inside me and suddenly actually burned, as if my entire body had been thrown into a fire! (As I woke from sleep, I was whispering, but in the dream it was a guttural, roar that made my throat sore and my voice rasp.) “YES I HAVE DONE IT BEFORE! YES I HAVE WALKED… MILES AND MILES AND MORE MILES THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE OR HAVE EVER KNOWN OR EVEN GIVE A FUCKING GOD-DAMNED SHIT ABOUT! YES I HAVE WALKED! IN BITTER, FUCKING FREEZING COLD! MINUS 13 DEGREE TEMPERATURES. WINDS CUTTING INTO MY FACE! MY FINGERS AND FEET SO COLD THAT IT WAS PURE PAIN! AND I NEVER ONCE ASKED ANYBODY FOR ANY HELP BECAUSE I KNEW BETTER! I KNEW THAT IF I ASKED IT WOULD BE THROWN BACK AT ME LIKE AN ATTEMPT TO KILL ME! AND ALL THE WHILE, YOU! YOU SELFISH, ARROGANT, HATEFUL BITCH! YOU SAT IN A WARM HOUSE OR RODE ALONG IN A WARM, DRY CAR AND NEVER GAVE SO MUCH AS A SHIT ABOUT ME. EVEN WHEN I WAS GOING IN THE SAME DIRECTION YOU HAD TO GO YOU NEVER EVEN OFFERED A LIFT EVEN PART OF MY WAY! HOW THE FUCK DARE YOU TELL ME WHAT I’VE DONE BEFORE AND ALL THE WHILE NOT GIVE A SHIT? I KNOW WHAT YOU’VE BEEN HOPING ALL ALONG; YOU’VE BEEN HOPING THAT I’D WALK OUT THE DOOR AND FREEZE TO DEATH SOME-WHERE ALONG THE ROAD, ALONE, BUT FAR ENOUGH AWAY SO THAT YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TO BE INVOLVED! I KNOW WHAT YOU WERE HOPING AND I COULD ACTUALLY FEEL YOUR DISAPPOINTMENT EVERY TIME I MADE IT OUT AND BACK! YOU THINK I’M COMPLETELY STUPID! WELL, I’M NOT! AND ALL THE WHILE ALL YOU’VE BEEN IS HATEFUL, HURTFUL, RESENTFUL! YOU SELFISH, MISERABL BITCH!” And I woke, with the radio at my head, whispering these words aloud. Thankfully, I doubt they were heard over the shouting across the hall. And so I wondered then, and I wonder now: what brought that dream on? I know where it stems from… Reality. I HAVE done all that walking, in the bitter cold, and I’m about to need to do more in the coming weeks. And I went to “sleep” angered by the WPTZ news coverage of the guy in GA who walked 30 miles in a “Georgia” cold-snap and who got his car-fare (80$) paid for for his return trip. It’s not that I begrudge his good fortune, but the fact that a local news station would cover THAT, so far away, while right here, I’m doing the very same thing on a fairly regular basis… and I’m BEGGING strangers for help! Meanwhile, I’m existing on PopTarts and eating dry, instant oatmeal, drinking instant coffee, just to survive. And it makes not one bit of a matter. When I’m awake, I can rationalise it all in my head and heart. Obviously, when I’m asleep, I’m not so clever or fortunate. And then, this whole “jerk-off” scenario across the hall, in the middle of the night? The yelling? The further inconsideration (or is is all IN consideration and INtentional?)that it HAD to take place RIGHT THERE and THAT LOUDLY Well, what makes it all the more entertaining is that I’d just mentioned, or eluded to that very situation: Bob and his little faggot. And there! As if I’d conjured it all… THERE IT WAS HAPPENING! So often I wonder: have I actually been given some kind of premonitory gift? Goodness me! I wonder. – And so, to bring this morning up to current… at 13.19… the temperature is about 9°C, ice is melting and rain is falling. This room is chilled and commonly uncomfortable. But I got my clothes washed, and then the bed-linens. I woke at about 8.00 and put the clothes right in, figuring the others would be soundly sleeping after the “ordeal” of earlier this morning. Besides… I didn’t much give a shit whether it disturbed them or not… IN consideration of their tryst. By the time the bed linens were done, the faggot was awake and waiting… IT had to wash its bed linens this morning. (Gee, I wonder why… hopefully the pitiful drink puked or its little “pet” shat or peed… or both, on the bed.) – As the wash was washing, I began to pack for Monday morning. And as I packed for Monday morning, I cleaned the room and re-packed much. I “live” in a constant anticipation of the moment when the “GET OUT!” will come flying. I keep recalling Lyle’s words: “I’m deathly afraid of being Homeless…” and my own awareness, based on my own experience, of the fact that it’s those very people who are “deathly afraid of being Homeless” who don’t give a shit about OTHERS being Homeless. Well shit! There are shelters the World over FULL of people who are Homeless, who know other people who are “deathly afraid of being Homeless” but don’t care if OTHERS are. So, to that end, a last-minute packing now, as all stands, will be brief and concise. – And as I packed for the trip to Jericho, I happened to find 2 “DHS” bags in with the toiletries! One is a complete kit and the other has “Lisa”, a few cakes, in it. I took the one with “Lisa” out. I’m leaving it on the computer desk… a constant reminder… of what was… and what’s to come. – And so, the rains continue. The ice is melting. The house is quiet. Faggot is washing bed-linens. THEY all had their night of drunkenness and grazing, heading into the “well over 300lbs” categories. I’ve had my 2 PopTarts, 1 envelope of dry oatmeal, and 2 cold coffees. I need to get to the market for a pack of smokes in a bit. (Another fucking shame: I have to sneak out to get things, then sneak those things back… worse than trying to sneak food and such into the Shelter in NYC!) And as for the rest of the day? I have little-to-no idea. In all honesty, I feel like simply going right back to bed right now. But, to do that now would put my sleep routine off. And I KNOW I’m looking forward to a relatively sleepless week coming. So that’s not all “good”. – Oh, a quick check of the weather forecast: warmer weather whilst I will be in Jericho, then snow on Friday night (when I’ll be, in all likelihood, walking/hitching back from St. Albans) and then, snow and colder again on Saturday (morning… when, in all likelihood, I’ll be biking to and from Alburgh). But there’s not mention of any “news coverage” of that. (And I shouldn’t even be thinking of such things!) – On with the day! – 15.17 Just went through a plastic bag I had beside the chest of drawers… imagine: THE KEYS TO THE FLAT IN TEL AVIV! My good reading glasses are gone, but I still have the “Vision City” cleaning cloth… from Zayre’s Plaza… Newburgh! I can’t even think back to how long ago THAT was! And business cards… NYC library cards from Manhattan/The Bronx, Brooklyn and Queens! “Stuff” really. Worthless to anybody else but me. And this is what my “Life” has come to… “stuff” that means nothing to anybody. The cards from storage… reminders of my complete stupidity in putting ANY trust in ANYbody! Second time being ripped to nothing. LAST TIME! LAST TIME OF PUTTING ANY TRUST IN ANY BODY! FUCK ME! FUCK IT! FUCK ALL! – And then, as I’m taking photos of this “stuff”… YIP-WEW! Faggot’s little bitch lets out with a rip. What the fuck for? The house is completely silent! And Ms. Fagthang “Chica! You behave, young lady.” WHAT IN THE FUCK-ALL FUCK? It always reminds me: For Christmas, Bob and Lyle were SO incredibly sweet… they got me PAINTS! Water-colours and acrylics! PAINTS! Well, if I even so much as TRY to paint anything… I have to put up with the yipping shit! Imagine… getting details painted almost to the finish and suddenly… YIP!!!!! Fucking bitch-faggot! I don’t dare to even so much as TRY to paint… ANYTHING! SO now I’m being deprived of my ART! Ah… may my suffering go out of my body and soul, into the air of this house, into the walls of this house… May that part of the energy that is my existence go to attend to the source of my pain, depression and angst and deal with it in a manner 100-fold the degree of my suffering! And this I actually pray, with body, soul, cellular structure. If there is ANY “force” in Creation… may it make my prayer come to reality! – I’m tired… tired of it all. One day… one day… one day… To walk out the door… for the last time… ever. One day… one day… one day. – Lyle came by the door a bit before to say that the Internet connections have been poor and that he was going to re-set the WiFi and such. I wonder if he did… I wonder if it’s because of poor connectivity or… my connectivity. It’s a shame to exist in such doubt and wonder. And all the while… Fagthang prances about like the House Nigger. How I want so much to vomit this shit out of my being! – 21.56 It’s raining again. But I’m not complaining tonight because the temperatures are warmer than they have been in a while and the ice is finally melting. Ah… “January Thaw”, a concept that I’d mentioned to Lyle not too long ago and he looked at me rather disbelievingly. Well Lyle? You too join the others in your doubt of my intelligence. But the day will come… Mum always stressed “Learn all you possibly can, let nobody know how much you know and let them believe you’re stupid.” – Had dinner tonight: 3 pieces of some kind of boneless chicken things and about 35 crisps. And yes, again, it made me sick. But I washed the dishes (from last night!) that were left in the sink and rinsed tonight’s and put them into the dish-washer. Hey! Fuck it! – I spent most of the day in the room, on-line. I’m quite packed for Monday morning and the bed-linens are clean (I probably won’t make the bed tonight because I didn’t get to wash my pyjama sweats. But that’s OK. It’s a warm-enough night). The unfinished afghan is folded and put back into the large plastic bag so that it won’t get ruined in my absence. I’m OH SO APPREHENSIVE about being away for an entire week and I’m expecting all kinds of encounters and confrontations when I return. Friday is pay-day… I just wish it would be enough to get a car, or another place to reside… or both. If the GFM would come through, I could use that to save me. But… that’s too important and so I can’t depend on it. – I can’t really “depend” on anything or anybody any more. – Browsed much of the social media today and took photos of things found in the plastic bag that contained much of what was in my back-pack. I’ve done a page here of some of what was “discovered” and I’ve posted the Storage Post unit card on Tumblr and Twitter, with an open message to the folks who snatched my Life away. No, I can’t hold any contempt for them… but it strengthens my Hatred toward Nancy, who is now at par with Cyndi. (And last night’s night-mare? There is a LOT of very frightening, negative energy in this soul here. I’m letting it out, in torrents. May it find its way to its destination and wreak the havoc it was intended for on those who have evoked and provoked it!) – Meanwhile, meanwhile, faggot has been prancing about the place enjoying the good graces of Their Ladyships. There’s been no mention of last night’s, oh, what shall I call it? Debacle? Mini-orgy? Seriously repulsive display of absolute disrespect , disregard and inconsideration? What-ever. AND… today, at intervals, Bob actually instigated a yip-fest out of faggot’s little piece of shit! SO! Indeed, I DO believe that my suspicions are en point: concerted efforts to persuade me into simply heading for the door. Well, since I’ve been here, in this “charming State” I’ve learnt a bit or two of things and how they work. And when I DO stroll out the door… – Enough said on the matter. – For now? It’s time to wrap this day up. The rains are falling, the Ladies are in the lounge. Tomorrow is another day and will be the last I’ll see of this place for a week. (I’ve gone out of my way to make certain the room is in perfect order… I wonder what will “welcome” me when I return! I have my suspicions… and I’m not as dumb as I seem.)
Sun.12.Jan: 9.42 OVER-SLEPT AGAIN! This is NOT good! Woke at 8.30 again! I can’t do this tomorrow. As a matter of fact, I can’t do “this” at all! –
This morning, I’m still arranging the room, packing things, not only for the coming week, but, in my mind and heart and soul, I’m packing things together as if I’m being moved. I’m packing things to make it easier for them to be “removed” from the room… from the house. I’m packing for leaving. There’s been no mentioned, not even an inference of anything even remotely associated with any such thing. But my body and sou are in “departure”. Homelessness… it will NEVER go away! I was Homeless before I came to Vermont. Shelly called me a “scumbag”; Steve and Tara trumped up the “assault” charges; Burton told me that he wanted me to be at “home” in the house, then told me “You’re still living in the shelter” because I confined my existence mostly to the room, then took out an “Order of Protection”, accused me of not carrying my share of the house responsibilities… then left.. simply left and sent an e-mail telling me that the house was a gone deal; Eduardo invited me into his place in NYC and when I arrived, was annoyed, then got me to work at a job where the salary was less than promised and I didn’t learn that until the first pay-day, then tossed me out of his place in to Gabbie’s and then to vanZini’s… I hauled my belongings, alone, on buses and trains and along side-walks, alone; I came back to Vermont, worked on the property all through the Summer not asking for a thing, not even a glass of water, was told “You’ve improved the place 500%” and “It feels like ‘home’ again for the first time in many years” and “We’ve been more than gracious with you! You owe us a lot of money!”… Years… years and years… I am SO HOMELESS that it will NEVER stop, NEVER go away, NEVER disappear, NEVER assimilate, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER! I AM HOMELESS NOW, WAS HOMELESS AS A CHILD, AND WILL FOREVER BE… HOMELESS… until I close my eyes and have taken my last breath. – Soon and very soon, I am going to see the King. Soon and very soon, I am going to see the King. Soon and very soon, I am going to see the King. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! I am going to see the King. –
This morning, I over-slept, woke and began with coffee and such. Went down for a smoke. Bob was in the back yard already with the dogs. Imagine: faggot still in bed and somebody else taking responsibility for its little piece of shit. Ah… Dixie had taken off and was up the road, through the yards and out of sight. I, in my pyjama sweats and flip-flops, took the walk up the road to find her, and of course, I did… up by the church. But all I had to do is call her name and she headed directly to the house. Interesting, that all I need do is call the names and they come or stop barking. Meanwhile, her Ladyship continues to shoot blank threats of “I’m going to take the stick…” and “They’re all going…” and “Since nobody else is going to fix the problem…” and all this from the lounger. Ah… And then we have faggot… “Girls! No! Bad girls.” and then proceeds to feed them and hobble off on some little stint, or to graze in the kitchen. Anyway… I vent here. It does not good, save to get it out of my own system. But… I vent here… in silence. – It’s another grey day, getting chilly again. Flurries. Even Nature is doing what it can to keep me in the house, or here in town, but away from HOME. And the room is getting colder and the bed still isn’t “made” (and I probably won’t make it anyway). it might be my own perception but I feel as though I have a “stale” odour about me. Ah, what difference does it make? I’ll be laying on a floor in a house where another dog runs amok. There’s no escaping… no return to the days of regular bathing and cleaning clothes. I just packed the travel iron away… the one I bought when I moved out of the Shelter and into Rockaway. It’s been used… once. –
I am SO HOMELESS that it will NEVER stop, NEVER go away, NEVER disappear, NEVER assimilate, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER! I AM HOMELESS NOW, WAS HOMELESS AS A CHILD, AND WILL FOREVER BE… HOMELESS… until I close my eyes and have taken my last breath. – Soon and very soon, I am going to see the King. Soon and very soon, I am going to see the King. Soon and very soon, I am going to see the King. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! I am going to see the King.
10.15: From Fran…
Hey up there in La-La Land,
I thought I saw Noah and the ark or maybe it was just some nut in a kayak! Oh well, I missed the boat…again.
Sunday, let’s see, Choir practice-9:30, worship service-10:30, I’m one of the servers at fellowship-11:30,Sabbatical Team Planning meeting-12:00, and I should be home by 2:00. Then it’s birthday party for Devon, make a ham dinner for 5:00 so the grandkids will be ready for the she-beast at
6:00, leave for Fletcher Allen at 6:45.
Please, by all means call if you can, stop me from going totally over the edge.
Can hardly wait to see you bright eyed and bushy tailed Monday norming.
If each star you see equals one” I love you”, you’re missing a few trillion or so,
Fran
21.02. Tonight I go to bed hungry. How strange. Tonight I go to bed showered. How wonderful. Tonight the bed is not made. I don’t give a shit. Tomorrow the bed will not be made. I don’t give a shit. – This evening I ate: ONE “Boca burger” on a roll, 4 tablespoons of fried potatoes. I washed the dishes, pots and pans, dried them. Lyle put them up. I wonder if it was to monitor that I don’t “take” more food. I wonder this quite often. I wonder why it is that, when I come down to the kitchen, from the room, to have a smoke, faggot shows up from out of no-where. I wonder… to make sure that I don’t take any of “their” food… lest I owe them MORE money? – Today I wanted to Hoover the room. The Hoover was taken down-stairs and not returned. I well could have asked. I did not. The room has not been Hoovered. I don’t give a shit. – I was Homeless. I don’t give a shit. I am full of trepidations that when I return from being away for a week, I will be Homeless again. I don’t give a shit. I have my BDMs. I will go HOME. I don’t give a shit. They don’t give a shit. – Tonight, as I shaved and showered, I thought: Originally, Bob offered me the car. I was to drop him at work in the morning and go to classes. I was to meet him after work on my way back to the house. I took it upon myself to figure how to get there and back with-out inconveniencing any-one in the house. Fran kindly offered a place to stay. I will be sleep deprived, terribly. I will have to take and pass a final exam on Friday. I will be sleep-deprived. But Fran offered and I accepted. I will inconvenience no-one! I will not “owe” any more to any one. – And I thought: I have travelled over 600 miles for this job, to Maine, in snow-storms. I have travelled MANY miles, on foot and bike, in the bitter cold… for this job. I have asked nothing from any-one. It goes un-noticed and un-remarkable. I note this. I don’t give a shit. – Daily, hourly, even by the moments in a day and night I pray. I’ve prayed the same prayer for so long and from so deep that it is a part of my very cellular structure… “May this breath I take now be the last. And if I should live another day, may that day be short, may that day be the day when I go HOME… to PEACE.” I pray this as I walk in the cold. I pray this as I bike in the cold. I pray this as I walk and bike in the sweltering heat. I pray this as I travel through the wind, the rain, the snow. I pray. – I want to take this lap-top with me. I don’t dare. I’m not planning on being picked up at the bus on Friday and it is supposed to be bitter old and snowing. I don’t dare bring this lap-top through that. I will be walking… no doubt. I’m closing it up, putting it into the box it came in and putting all into the closet, out of the way. I wonder… I wonder… – I didn’t get to wash my pyjama sweats. Faggot was using the machine this morning. I don’t DARE to interfere! Indeed, IT has all day to lounge about, doing nothing. I travel, for work, for my errands. IT does nothing all day. But when I have a moment, have a need to DO something… I don’t DARE to interfere. These are the days. These are the days. These are worse than the Shelter days. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to feel that way, but these are worse than the Shelter days. – I will get this job. I will bike to Alburgh. I will not eat. I will not properly sleep or rest. I will keep this job… until this job takes me. – It’s 21.17. The bed is not made. I’ve lightly scented my pyjamas with the scented oil that I treated myself to when I was in St. Albans last. It cost me 97¢. I “treated” me to it. I am showered. Coffee is made and in the mug for the morning. I will wake ever so early so as to be ready to leave promptly. It will be interesting to see if any effort is made to ensure that I get the bus I need to make the connections so that I can swiftly and comfortably get to my destination. It will be an interesting day. It is to be an interesting week. It will be an interesting return. – I have trepidation. I TRUST NO ONE!!!
Mon.13.Jan: Up at 5.30 following a bit of a restless night on the un-made bed. Dressed and out the door with Bob to the Georgia Park’n’Ride where we waited for a while in the car until just as the bus arrived! I was glad for that because there was a crispness to the air this morning. The departure was quick… and so too, was the ride to Burlington! This morning it seemed like moments on the bus… I was no sooner on the bus riding down the 89 and the next thing, I was at FAHC! Hey! Not complaining. – There was sun-shine today! And the temperature difference between Franklin and Burlington was amazing! I was rather interesting to see Mt. Mansfield again. I haven’t missed it at all but there it was. How odd to think that when I first saw it I thought it so nice and lovely. Those days are done. I truly don’t like being in Chittenden county but, today? Different. Only visiting and for seeing a friend. – I stepped off the bus and didn’t see anybody waiting for me so I had a smoke and when the next bus pulled in some lard-arse old woman-thing strolled by me just as I was dropping the butt and said “There’s no smoking here.” She was kindly informed that she needed to “bug off!” Fucking Chittenden! – I found Fran sitting in the lobby, alone… HUGE WARM HUGS! It was hard to believe that it’s been almost 2 years that we haven’t see each-other. Yet, we picked right up with chatting and even that drifted a bit… as if no time had passed between the last time and this that we were seeing each-other. When Devon walked in I was quite amazed: he looks ever so well, all things considered, and he’s gained some weight. But still just as handsome as ever… and just as quiet too. But when we got into the car? He “cleared” the back seat for me… crumbs, spills, paper, cups and shit all over the place! I was wondering if he’d be cleaning his mother’s place while he’s staying there… the car told me… NOT! (And I was right… so I saw when we got to Fran’s. THAT still stinks to highest heavens and, well, it’s even worse now because she’s got ever window covered in extra-heavy darkening curtains… pulled tightly so that “nobody can tell if I have the lights on in here!” She’s gone batty. But… – We drove off to McD’s in Essex and Fran paid me a large coffee. She offered to get what-ever I wanted to eat.. I wanted only coffee! (I won’t forget that whole ordeal with Lyle and the “You owe us a lot of money!” and I don’t want to hear it ever again from any-one else!) – After McD’s we stopped at the Hannaford’s where I could have gotten coffee but all I could think of was that I would be walking through Milton and Georgia or from St. Albans to Franklin and I’d have to carry the extra weight. SO close and yet SO SO FAR! Story of my existence! – ANYway…. we’d no sooner gotten to the house when Devon was on the way out agian. Seems he’s gong to stay with a friend in Shelburne! I wondered if he did it to make my staying at the house easier? Was it to give Fran and I time to re-acquaint? Or does he feel so uncomfortable with me being there (being Gay and such)? While we were in Hannaford’s Fran wanted to buy sausage to put into the pasta sauce and asked if I’d eat the sausage… Devon turned quite bright read and finally said, in a whisper, to me: “Imagine asking a Gay man if he likes sausage.” OK then… maybe that’s his way of dealing with the situation or maybe he actually was trying to be funny. Not matter… I didn’t appreciate the line but I let it fly by and now, here, he was leaving? Fran offered that his girl-friend was in town for a while and he would be staying with here where-ever that was. I left it at that. None of my business, really. – I took a stroll down the 15 to the gas station for a pack of smokes and discovered that the bus to work stops RIGHT AT THE END OF RACEWAY! Now that’s great! And as I walked I didn’t like being back in Jericho… nor Chittenden… the whole place and especially that area gives me the stomach-knots. (Not to mention the stench in Fran’s house and now the complete darkness!) – Oh, and before I forget: Fran handed me a small, (plastic), electric kettle when I got to the house. NOT in a box, just as was. Said she bought it for me so that I could at least arm water for oatmeal or something in the room. Why it wasn’t in a box is what I wonder about. Still, I appreciate it! It’s something I can certainly use right about now… and when I leave the house, “they” can use it… I’m sure… or it’ll end up on the barn… who gives a shit? Not me. For now? I have to figure out a way to walk along with it, and the rest of the burdens I’ll be carrying when I get back to Franklin. But that’s not the point my friend. The point is not that I have to figure how to get this thing to the house, rather that SHE, Fran, feels wonderful about her-self for having given it to me. So… I let it go. Now I need a mug that I can pour hot water into. – So, I don’t remember exactly what time we finally got to sleep, but it must have been round midnight. I slept on the futon in the living-room. The apartment is delightfully warm and the sleeping bag that was there was quite enough for the night. Of course, the pillow and the futon and all are filthy! But tonight? I just put my head where it was and… off to sleep! It’ had been quite the day and tomorrow? CLASS WORK! – And so, here I am, back in Jericho… Oh well. Nobody will ever say I didn’t do all I could for this job! – Tonight, for dinner, we all sat to enjoy spaghetti and sauce… neither was “hot” per se, and the sausage wasn’t truly cooked through. I said nothing. Hey! It was FOOD! I’m always appreciative of food… even though I don’t seem to be able to eat any of late… my body’s not happy with “nourishment”.
Tue.14.Jan: “Window Academy” – Woke at 5.30. Coffee and smoke! Inside! What a pleasure to not have to go stand in the cold to have a morning smoke. Showered. I was a bit “off” this morning and a bit turned about trying to get ready for work. But I JUST made the bus! It was pulling-in at the stop as I reached the end of Raceway! I wasn’t going to run or anything but then noticed that there were several people getting on and tried to make it across the 15 and… MADE IT! UN-fortunately… the stop that I needed to get off at? I was the only one who needed to do so and the driver didn’t bother to stop because nobody signalled. AH-HAH! So I rode round the corner to St. Michael’s college and when I asked the driver where he’d be stopping next he snapped at me “Did you want to get off here!?” and when I said I would appreciate it he snapped “I’ll do it for you this time but next time, tell me earlier!” What a fuck! But then again… it’s back in Chittenden where they’re all a general bunch of fux. I can’t wait to get back to the country-side (where, in out little town.. all the fux are gathered together. – A pleasant morning in the class. 8 people total. Some were from New Hampshire! Imagine? The PO takes this all for granted that we can all just gallivant across the globe to get to their little “do”. I cant help but wonder if it isn’t a test to see just how reliable and just how much we actually want these jobs. But all told, I have to say that I don’t resent nor regret. Just last night I’d said to Fran that I’m only doing it to prove to myself that I’m giving it my “all” and that when it’s all over, nobody can ever say that I didn’t give it my best. She told me that if I stop now she’d kick me. (As if that makes any difference to me at all. Then I told her, when she said that I’ve been through worse, that she’s wrong. I was younger and in much better health and condition in the past. This is beginning to actually “hurt”, all the biking and walking, in the cold, rain, snow and all. It seemed to make no difference to her. But then… as I thought about it, and she confirmed “I went to the doctor. I’m having the bypass surgery. I’m considered ‘morbidly obese’… Yup, another one, sitting at home, doing nothing with their time or life, just getting fatter and wallowing in some self-pity. How the hell do I get tossed to these people?) – Anyway, the classes are good. Pleasant. And full of information that I DO need! So much has changed since I was last in the PO and this is excellent! I’m glad they made me attend this. – Devon is back this evening. I don’t know the particulars and when it began being discussed, I simply listened and offered nothing. Truth? I don’t care. I have more than enough to keep me occupied with my own needs and such. – Tonight, Fran and I “bunk together” on the futon! I’m NOT looking forward to that. But we did get to “sleep” at round about 22.00. WONDERFUL! And Devon will drive me to the plant in the morning!That’s ever so nice. I appreciate that so very much. – Tonight’s dinner was something Fran calls “home-made tomato soup: it’s V8 or another vegetable juice, heated, with added seasonings. “Soup”? OK. If you insist. It was rather good though and yes, it is rather nourishing, since it’s supposed to be lower in sodium and it IS more than just tomato. With it, we had home-made bread. OK. Good stuff.
Wed.15.Jan: “Window Academy” day 2. – The day went ever so well. The lift from Devon was SO appreciated. The class was a delight and informative. There are some people who have already put in time at offices and some with no experience at all! The back-grounds are interesting. The woman who will be taking the Bakersfield office is completely new to all of this, and there’s a woman from the NEK! A guy who’ll be working in Hinesburgh. Places I actually know! Oh, and the weather has turned delightfully warmer. Not hot… but warmer to the point of being comfortable. – As it is with warmer weather… came the rains. We were released from class earlier than the 16.30 and the bus wasn’t scheduled until just past 17.00 so I simply stood at the stop to wait… in the rain! Leave it to me. Luckily, it was a light rain so I didn’t get soaked. Still… and the bus arrived late which meant I got back to the house later than planned. But Fran had cooked and so, we sat to eat together. It’s rather nice in that respect: hot food. Still, I don’t eat much… that whole thing about eating other people’s food. AND… my stomach isn’t as big as it should be. But I do what I can and make a good show of it all. – Again tonight, Fran and I “bunked” and were in bed by about 23.00 or so. I need the sleep more than anything else and these classes are SO SO necessary. So I’m glad for the early getting to bed. – Dinner note: “Apricot chicken” and rice. Chicken breasts baked in apricot preserves, some kind of sweet-and-sour sauce. There was enough rice made to feed half of China! I had a bit of chicken and lots of rice with the sauce from the chicken. (Left-overs were left on the counter… as usual. Odd how these people… even at the house in Franklin… don’t think about leaving food open and on the counter.)
Thu.16.Jan: “Window Academy” day 3- Nothing too much to say about the day. The class was wonderful and ended at about 16.30 Devon brought me in. I don’t know why, but he leaves me in a drive-way just a traffic light away from the very road that I need to get to and he passes as he drives along. Not that it makes any difference, really. The other thing is that I told him that I would stop at the “Colonial Mart” which is the Shell station at the corner of Suzie Wilson and Kellogg… He won’t drop me there either… It seems it MUST be in a drive-way or something obscure. I’d asked Fran if my being Gay bothers him and she said “No.” I don’t see it that way. But you know? 2 divorces, this one being nasty… Fran telling me that Emmy-Lynn isn’t Devon’s child but Lucien is… Lee-Ann being all weird-ed out and nasty toward Devon… and the rest? Not to mention the bit about him wanting to get out of a horrid marriage and RUN to some new bit of stuff he hardly knows… in MAINE! Naw… say what you will and think what you will about me… and then go fuck your-self, preferably with something quite sharp and serrated. – ANY…. way… It has snowed last night.. imagine that. Rain and then snow. But, after all, it is still only January and I keep remembering 12 April last: ice storm the day before leaving Richford. So… And the temperatures dropped closer toward January too. Oh well… it ain’t over until it’s OH-VUH! And it ain’t quite oh-vuh yet. – This evening, it was a bit on the chilly side, waiting for the bus back, but the bus was on time! And all went quite well. – Tonight’s “dinner” was leftover spaghetti form Monday night. I did, in fact, eat it, because (a) it’s food, (b) it would be thrown away if not eaten and (c) it was offered and it’s food shared. I am rather quite grateful for the opportunity to eat a hot meal and with no general limitations to my portions…. – By about 22.00, Devon was off to “his” room to sleep and by about 23.00 Fran and I were off to the futon. TOMORROW IS THE FINAL “EXAM” FOR THIS CLASS AND THEN? ON-THE-JOB TRAINING FOR 40 HOURS AND THEN? I’M IN, IN , IN,, IN, IN! BACK IN THE USPS! I’m almost certain that I’ll pass OK. Hopefully there won’t be too much on the test about the “new” PO, as it is. But I should be fine. Since I don’t have to be there until 9.00, plans are to take the later Commuter from Jericho, be there probably about an hour early…. no problem. Hopefully they’ll let me sit in the break-room and read a bit. Then, take the exam, catch the Essex bus into Burlington, grab the Milton Commuter up to the northern-most stop. From there, Bob offered that I could meet him at his job and wait for him to finish work. I should be there by about 15.00 or so anyway, and he and I can ride back to the house together. Tah-dah. (If not, I’ll walk up into St. Albans and try to catch the Richford jitney…) But… so much for this day. Tomorrow it’s “The Fuck Out of Chittenden and Back To Franklin At Last!” Seeing Fran and Devon again has been nice, but I do NOT feel comfortable in Chittenden (and oddly enough, I don’t like the sound of all the traffic as I wait for the bus!) – When I got back to the house this evening, Franny was in a mood, rather disgusted with the world, in her house-coat, in a snit about something, and went into there just not being any time to get things done. I couldn’t help but think: Sitting around the dark, sealed house all day? Napping? Grazing? The house isn’t clean. It stinks. It’s a mess and a disastre! She does NOTHING! ALL DAY! and now she’s in a snit because there isn’t enough time to accomplish anything? HOLY SHIT! The extension of “The Ladies of Franklin”! Right on down to the real nitty-gritty… obese and depressed but will NOT DO anything to change. Well then… great for you! Me? NOT getting into that… just all too simply… NOT! You’re FAT! You’re actually quite LAZY! And I’m not getting into it…
aaaAAAAAAAAAND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?
For your OBservation AND watching enjoyment….
Madame TOTALSHIT rises from out of her cesspool AS once upon a time NOT so very long ago
she bared the ugliness of her wretched sou…
spewed her bitterness about the world
and showed her sharp and ugly SELF-ish-NESS
IN ALL it’s fetid HORROR….
aaaAAAAAAAAAND… ladies and gentlement…
THIS MORNING
ONCE AGAIN…
I present to you… … …
MADAME TOTALSHIT……!!!!!!!!
Fri.17.Jan: 2.37 After walking some 30 miles from an interview, driving over 600miles and almost 18 hours in Winter storms, to Maine, taking buses to Burlington and Essex and Jericho… and this morning, at 9.00, scheduled to take the final exam for a JOB… NO SLEEP! FRAN! AGAIN! A…GAIN! A-FUCKING-GAIN! And I’m sitting here in a sweat, tissues stuffed up my nose, eyes tearing, burned out. No sleep. Broken sleep. Class work for 8 hours on Tuesday through Thursday.. on 5 hours of broken sleep. Standing in the rain, waiting for the bus in Essex to get back to Jericho on Wednesday evening. And now, only 6 hours before the “Final Exam”… no sleep. We were all tucked away by midnight. I could have taken the 7.20 bus this morning, gotten a bit of extra sleep. Ah… but no
(2.51 She’s decided to make a wash!)
… at 1.10 it was necessary to get up, put on her jacket, pull the coat tree down with a crash… go to the door, put on the light… sit in the ante-room.
(2.56 “God! You’d think I did it on purpose.” … “This way, if you DO screw it up, you can blame it on ME. How convenient.” I refuse to feed into the psychoses.)
Then, come back in, sit at table, light a cigarette, walk to the kitchen, back to the ante-room, light on, door open, door closed, door open, door closed. Finally, back at table, rattle crinkle… I got up. She gasped. I asked, in a whisper:
“Why tonight Fran? Monday night, sleep. Tuesday night, sleep. Wednesday night, sleep. But tonight, before I take the test, after a year and a half… Why? You may as well turn on the light, make it easier on yourself. I’m obviously not going to get any sleep.”
I put on the light and as I gathered my clothes and toiletries to shower, she YELLED at me
“I’m trying to tell you but you won’t listen to me!” (She’d said nothing up to this point.)
Well, it’s 3.09. I’m at table, tapping this on the iPod. I’ve got my study book beside me to make it appear I’m studying. She’s hanging a wash. A WASH! Ah… earlier, she asked Devon if she was to have the kids on Monday and when he said “Yes.” her mood soured. Now this. An observation… – And so, 3.12 and the minutes to the 6.50 bus tick by. I’ll get to Essex by 7.30, have to wait 90 minutes or so… in the cold… before being allowed into the plant. (Trying not to doze off now. Hot flashes and sweats.) Take the test until 10.00, walk to St. Michael’s for the bus to Burlington, wait an hour. Bus to Milton, walk 2 hours to Georgia. Hopefully meet Bob for a lift to Franklin. Tomorrow morning (Saturday) I have to be on the road, on the bike, with dress clothes in back-pack… a 2-hour bike ride to work in Alburgh for 3,5 hours. There’s a physical melt-down on the way. – 3.25 I guess I’ll recap the week since I have the time. Since I’m on the iPod I can put the days on individual “Notes”.
(She’s been fumbling about in some hand-bag or another, weezing a bit. Finally she takes out what looks like an old, abused inhaler. Now she tells me something along the lines of
“You can add to those things you don’t really care about or that don’t matter to anybody else” -she’s rather quiet and calm now- “when a person is having an asthma attack and can’t find or doesn’t have their inhaler, black coffee will help for a while.” I knew this but anyway, I’m not going to speak to her at all… NOT!!!! I REFUSE TO FEED INTO THIS! WHAT THE FUCK YOU STUPID QUNT? YOU SELFISH BITCH! And then she adds:
“You know you didn’t have to go over the deep end, putting on the light, taking a shower and getting dressed.” She’s not yelling now.)
In the middle of her beginning to rant and rave, as quietly as I possibly could, and with-out looking up at her I HAD to let it out of my own soul, so I simply said:
“You’re amazing. Really. You are amazing. You purposely keep me from sleeping and now, your son is in the other room trying to sleep before HE goes to work and you’re yelling at me. You’ve really become quite the selfish old thing.”
WELL! Apparently THAT was what she needed to feed into her “episode”…
– 3.34 I’m losing… So tired! – 4.13 Been half dozing whilst Fran sat across table in silence. She’s gone out again. And I’m having memories of Red Mill Park and sleeping in the car when I stayed here. Devon is sleeping in her room. – She’s as selfish as she ever was and still… just another Margot. And I keep thinking of Bob: “All my troubles in life have been caused by bitches.” Indeed… nothing’s changed… nothing at all. Had this been a Summer night, I’d be on the grass somewhere down the road at the park. Had I a car, I’d be in it… not here… some-where. – SO fucking tired! I want to close my eyes! SLEEP! – A WALK ahead. – My eyes are burning now. – Catching up on nites for this week. – SO FUCKING TIRED! – Devon will be awake in 90 minutes. No doubt the shit will hit the fan. She’s fucking imbalanced! – 4.34 SHE’S SLEEPING ON THE FUTON!!! SLEEPING!!! (I keep hearing a phone ringing in my right ear.) The lights are on and SHE’S ASLEEP! Devon got up to use the loo, they mumbled to each-other. I couldn’t hear. Don’t give a shit, really. – 4.43 and the day begins… chills now. And the cow sleeps. I doze, sitting up. And I see she’s finished the coffee! Well my my! As I said: SELFISH! I truly should have known better. Well: Nancy, twice. End. Fran, twice. End. And the bloody tea kettle? FUCK THAT SHIT! I certainly do NOT want the fucking thing. – Almost painfully tired now and the upper right tooth is painful. Chills instead of sweats. And I’m packed to go! –
And, (adding on Sunday morning…) as suddenly… DEVON WAKES AND SHE NOW HAS… AN AUDIENCE! BOOM-DAH-DAH-BOOM-BADAH-BANG-ZOOM-ZOOM! SHE’S “ON”! LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION AND AWAY!…
“When you leave here, I do not want you to call me, or write to me. I do not want you to come near me ever again and I do not want you to try contacting me ever again. You are no longer welcome in my house…”
(I got up and began putting my coat on to leave… it was about 6.20 or so… and she continued…)
She had to tell Devon that I’d called her a “selfish old biddy” and I simply continued to put on my coat and gather my bags, at my own pace. It was early and I was in no particular rush to go stand out in the cold. But as I left, quietly, as is my usual response to some mad, insane lunatic ranting and raving at me, the very last thing I heard her YELL was to Devon…
“The selfish old biddy left you some cigarettes on the table!!!”
I closed the door to the ante-room. I closed the door to the house. I walked away… and this time, I didn’t bother to look back. She wanted revenge for my leaving the last time… now she has it. She’d said something about “closure” in one of our conversations of the week. Hopefully she now has it with this. In her mind, she can take pride in the fact that THE MOST IMPORTANT day of my Present ha been screwed round to the point of brink-of-complete-disastre-and-failure. And all because of her.
I honestly can’t help but think now: She’s complaining that the neigbours are complaining about her, that she’s living there under threat of eviction because property management is threatening her. She’s removed everything from the walls and some furniture is gone. She tells that she moved her computer and other things into her room because the grand-children get into too much. The windows are covered so that “nobody can see when I have the lights on”. It also keeps every bit of the day-light out and all but hermetically seals the apartment shut. I honestly can’t help but think now: She’s teetered into the realm of the insane, locking her-self away from the entire world, lost in her delusions of persecution. She is, what one would clinically classify as “mad”. There’s not telling what Devon has witnessed or heard. But he’s rather stuck where he is. (I still can’t imagine that he doesn’t clean that place!) And even Fran told me that in 4 days, he worked 42 hours. Yet, she will do NOTHING AT ALL to ensure that he has a comfortable place to come to and that he’s able to get his sleep. No doubt he too, has experienced all that I put up with when I was staying there… like the mid-night rants, and travels and strolls and banging and clattering and dish-washing and the likes. No doubt he knows. Oh well… it’s over and done and that’s the end of that. As I told “Dear Fran”: Nancy pulled her shit twice and not three time… now you’ve pulled your shit twice… and there will not be a third time.
Fri.17.Jan: 19.40 I AM IN BED! IN FRANKLIN! CLEAN SHEETS! WARM MATTRESS! SHOWERED! A BIT OFTHE SANDALWOOD-FOREST SCENT ON ALL! It is wonderful! – I PASSED THE TEST! I PASSED! EMPLOYED! BACK AT THE P.O.! It’s (as is all of my “life”) bitter-sweet. – Ashley (from NEK) drove me all the way up to Georgia today! No bus fare. What a wonderful person! I’m in awe. Dropped me at the Rte.7 over-pass and I walked to Bob’s job. HE GAVE ME THE CAR! I GOT TO GO TO NEFCU AND GET 100 AND PUT 30 INTO THE CAR. (Grabbed a Whoopie Pie for me too.) And then, the drive back was, as I will do, through Highgate. (Yes, I failed to make a necessary turn some-where… again. But I made it back to the house way before the gas gauge even ticked one bar!) _ When I came into the house, the dogs were all over the place and me! Lyle was on the phone with Penny. Penny wants me to make 10 velum cards and send them to her so she can promote them! And Lyle appreciated how excited the dogs were to see me. It was a delight. – I went to the PO here to put in my time card and Jen was so sweet! She helped me put in my hours and such as well! And we got to talking. She’s torn that she has to leave. She almost cried. Me? It might have been because of the fatigue, but she got me a bit choked… she’ll be gone before I get into the office. i would rather work with somebody who knows the office and the people. But I suppose it might be better this way… fresh people at the PO. It’s going to be an interesting challenge. – The new PM is coming back after some hernia surgery so I’m already expecting a situation where I’m going to be hearing a lot of “I can’t do that.” Looks to me like the office is going to be functioning strictly because of my labours. Then again, it might be good because I might have to go in every morning to do the work, which means more hours. We shall see. There’s no sense in concluding before knowing anything at all. Still, I do wish I could have had the time to work with Jen. And… now I understand her attitude a bit more. Am I sorry for, more or less, snitching on her with all the negativity and such? No. It had to be done. But… well… it’s all been handled and we move forward. (Which reminds me of the little piece of marble: KADIMA! You fuck-tard, Nancy.) – Moving along, as I was putting in the mileage and such on the computer, Lyle stopped into the PO to tell that he and the faggot were leaving to fetch Bob. How strange… the “locals” stopping into the PO to find me and deliver messages. (I thought it cute and then I thought: I wonder if he came to check and see if I actually was in there. I trust NO ONE!) Yes, indeed… small town. And this one seems even smaller than Walker Valley. So it is. Too bad it isn’t back at Walker Valley… or Cragsmoor. But those days are there and these days are here and we work in and with what we have. – So, hours and mileage and such are on the computer and little by little I’m “back in the PO”… working! – Came back to the house and immediately took al the clothes I’d worn at Fran’s and put them into the wash! IMMEDIATELY! They STINK! I was NOT going to simply have that stink in this house. As they washed, I got the Hoover and did the rug in the room. BUT… leave it to me: I forgot to take the little metal card case out of my jeans pocket and… driver’s license, FS card and so much more… WASHED! Stupid, really. I can only hope that the magnetic strips weren’t destroyed. I’m not surprised that I did it. My brain is toast! Imagine: No sleep, the stress of the test, how to get back up here, and all the rest and no time to simply crash and nap or sleep or… and the words of that bitch: “this way, if you screw up, you can blame me. It’s always somebody else’s fault.” You, woman, are a shit! – Well (I’m working from notes now because it’s Saturday morning and I’m catching up here). Showered and the room settled, laundry cleaned. Sausage and pepper (one) sandwich for dinner… and that, only because I MUST eat something since I’ll be at work tomorrow… and, as I thought, it would be rude to decline eating at table with the house-hold this evening, after having been gone… as I cleaned the table and put the dishes into the machine, Bob specifically came to hand me the key to the car. “You’re going to need this in the morning.” “What for?” said Lyle. And Bob told him that he was giving me the car to get to work, that they wouldn’t be awake while I was at work. I made a point of thanking them both and telling them both that I’d already planned on getting on the bike. If the weather is good, simply heading off across the lake… if not? Covering me in plastic… and heading off across the lake. And then I quickly added, directly to Lyle, that I’d filled the gas tank. “Thank you. That was very nice of you.” (SNARK! Fuckit. No time for that shit… especially considering how my night went, and my day. AND… now Bob and I are working? No. No time for snaky bull-shit.) – Dishes done, I came back up to the room to continue settling back in and decided to “ASK” for a drink. So I asked “If there is any, would anybody object to be swiping a swig of vodka?” Nope. None. So I poured a triple, barely got it down (my stomach just can’t take it any more… I’m falling apart!) and came up to get into bed and hope for sleep tonight. – 19.48 Time for lights out. I just can’t stay awake longer! Just can’t! I’m SO glad that this week is done! All the travel, done! All the testing, done! Now? I wait to see how far and how often I get sent across the wilderness of New England! But the bottom line here is: BACK TO WORK! BACK TO WORK AT A JOB I WANT! AND… MOST IMPORTANT: DESPITE THE OBSTACLES? A GOVERNMENT JOB!
Sat.18.Jan: 6.33 Awake. I don’t know why. And I don’t know how. But it didn’t take long and it didn’t take much and I was asleep last night, almost immediately. And I’m having quite the time with typing this morning. Still a bit of drink from all the vodka last night? I hope not. It was the equivalent of about 4 drinks. But that shouldn’t be all that bad. Although, considering my eating habits and such. And all of last week… and the night of no sleep. Oh well. – Went for a smoke and when I closed the porch door… BANG! Thankfully, it didn’t wake anybody else in the house. Oh well. The point is: I’m awake and… I’M BACK TO WORK! AND, BACK TO THE PO! – 24.24 WHY THE HELL AM I STILL AWAKE? 5 hours of napping… that’s why. Work was actually delightful! The Alburgh office is loaded with folks from HOME and it was a delight to see and hear them! Trevor was wonderful to work with and seeing all the automated business of the PO today was truly fascinating. The Alburgh PO reminds me a bit of Cragsmoor so that was charming too. And, well, the morning there? It went along rather well, I believe… and quickly. – Fun.. after work I ran to Walmart. I lost one of the new gloves some-where over the past week and got another pair along with 2 boxes of PopTarts (the large boxes). One of which is almost gone already… but that’s because I didn’t bother to get up out of bed when called to dinner. (I was tired and, quite frankly, I didn’t want to eat their food again tonight.) – I walked into the house at about 14.00 to find “them” all asleep! Imagine? 14.00 and asleep! What a bunch of… well… never mind. Me? I came into the room, started to muck on-line to catch-up and with-in moments, I put RadioCanadaTV on the lap-top and fell asleep. As I note, didn’t get back up until almost 19.00 or so! It’ wasn’t because of the day… I think my body just needed to catch-up with all of the anxieties of last week and the bull-shit at Fran’s. (And now, I’m barely weary enough to go back to sleep. And I should be asleep!) – This evening I cleaned the phone and the e-mails of the Fucktardz: Fran, Nancy, Eduardo. Clean sweep. Gone. Goodfuckingbye! Also found that I’d transposed 2 digits on Aziz’s phone number! SHIT! SO I sent him a text about it, about the book and that I’ll phone tomorrow. I’m just glad I found the error! It took some searching through the “Grand Central” numbers, but I found it! – Oh! But as I was deleting the shit numbers from the phone today, didn’t the bloody phone dial Fran’s number! WHAT!?!? Hopefully it didn’t ring through long enough to start that voice-shit thing telling her it was me! NO “forgiveness” there. Just wipe the slate clean. – An so… tonight the upper right tooth is murder! I don’t know what the fuck got in to the gum but the tooth is doing the wiggle thing again and I can’t close my mouth properly. So I suppose life is “normal”. – And, at Walmart, I got tooth-paste and hand-warmers… the hand warmers are for next week. Bob asked me about the time and days next week and when I told him he offered to take me and the bike to Swanton in the morning to cut my travel. When I told him that I’d be there until 17.00 on those couple of days, he said “That’s why I thought I could get you to Swanton…” Lyle replied “In GOOD WEATHER!” as if to say “What’s he going to do if it’s bad weather?” I said I’m going to try and see how long it takes me, on the next couple of days (and so I shall indeed). From this morning’s drive, it doesn’t look to be too bad. Mostly flat land and wide roads. The trouble will be that the temperatures are forecast to plummet again… but only for the days when I have to put in full days… meaning, biking in the dark TOO and the same FROM. Oh well… I remember mornings of doing just that in Pine Bush. And the fact that that bike is gone now… thanks to the first bitch I trusted with anything important in my life (that would be “sister”). No, I’m not looking forward to the bike-ride. But as it is with all… I just don’t give a shit. All of this “work-related” bull-shit is so that *I* can say to me (and anyone else for that matter): *I* did all that *I* could do to keep this job…. so fuck the rest of you. – (The sad bit: I have that attitude when I wake in the morning, during the day and when I go to bed at night. It’s become the dominant thought. Yup… I’ve had enough… and then some.) – Well, time to get back to catching this Journal up to date and then? There are e-mails to send and other things to get done… either tonight or… when-ever. – NOTE NOTE NOTE!!!!! THIS EVENING I NOTICED THAT AMAZON REFUNDED ONE COPY OF THE BOOK! REFUNDED A RETURN! I WONDER WHO! Well, it’s not like other people have never returned other books. I just wonder WHO! (And now I wonder whether it was at a time when I had the royalties coming so I won’t OWE!) – Speaking of “owe” I must remember to get my taxes (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! done SOON! – OK, back to the rest of the catching up.
Sun.19.Jan: 0.58 Just got a call from Aziz and I’m hoping that either he doesn’t remember who he left the message for or that I’m hearing something that wasn’t actually said because, after telling me that he didn’t know how to go about getting his copy of the book (via the link I’d sent him) and that he’d called “tomorrow”, I’d swear that, before he rang off, I heard him say “friggin Jews”. I wouldn’t doubt it, but then, I don’t doubt much these days. I just hope I’m wrong… Oh well. I’ve already cleaned out 3 form the past… I can just as easily clean out another and more. Just yesterday I was thinking of how I know nobody these days and I don’t give a shitting fuck one way or the other. Cleaning out the past is, well, a relief. And all supports the philosophy of the year:
TRUST NO ONE FOR ANY REASON AT ANY TIME… NO ONE… NO ONE AT ALL! ANY REASON… ANY TIME!
– 7.10 and I’m sitting up (not taking nourishment). Dropped off to sleep almost immediately at 2.00 this morning, so that’s 5 hours sleep.. not bad… thankfully on a day when I’ve really nothing to do. AND… so it would appear that we had SNOW last night. Indeed. The roads were wonderfully clear yesterday and now? Well of course! We can’t have clear roads for me on the week to come! I’ve got to bike to work! Well! Fuckkitall! Then let there be SNOW and HAIL and MUD-SLIDES and such! Ah… me. – “Shadow” is bouncing all about the place out-side the door. She was on the commode when, at 7.00, I went for hot water for coffee this morning. Then she bounced about in the tub. She’s quite the something, And I wonder if she’s really OK, all things considered. I owe my Life for hers’ and I’ll never forget that. I’d made a deal and to-date, the deal looks as if it’s valid. No problemme though. Either I’ll keep the deal or some-one else, whilst I’m on the road, will help me along with it. – Well, I’ve one more day to catch-up on with this and 4 more items on my catch-up list and so… let this day begin, let it be a great one and may all who have hindered me find themselves thwarted in all that matters to each. – It’s another day… it’s another week… FUCK YOU! – 8.05 Not of interest (to me anyway). I’m finally getting caught-up with the Journal. Earlier, I went to the loo, got my hot tap water for coffee, peed and came back to the room… QUIETLY. Just now, faggot gets up, goes to the loo, leaves the door open as it pees and then sneezes and bangs something or other in there. There’s really and truly NO respect or consideration for anybody or anything! – PS: it’s fucking bloody snowing!!! All-out barrage this morning! OF COURSE! MORE SNOW! I have to check the weather forecast and hope it’s just today. Though the coming week is supposed to be “snappy” cold again… i need to make a trial run to Alburgh! – 9.16 Bob is awake and folding the laundry… even the faggot’s! Imagine that! The pellet stove had run out of pellets and had gone out and Bob and I brought bags in. The faggot gets to do nothing all day, runs about with them to shop, can’t prepare a meal for Bob when he comes home for work at about the same time every day… won’t clean… do yard work… anything… and BOB folds its washing? Oh to the end’s of Earth… FUCK ME! – But, my Journal is done… for now… – 22.31 Well, I cant much say that I did much of anything all day. It snowed all through and the temperatures have plummeted. I’m not looking forward to the bike ride to the PO come the week, since the “High” temperatures are expected to be in the “minus Fahrenheit” . I have a LOT of thinking to get done between now and Wednesday morning. bob offered to drop me in Swanton in the morning…that’s just about the half-way mark, another hour to go after that. Then, at 17.00, the ride back? 19.00 arrival at the house? There won’t be any time to eat before heading to bed for the next morning. Granted, it’s only the 3 days and 2 on the following week. But the cold will be the element to be dealt with. I’m not looking forward to this. – The tooth is bothering me something terrible. I know it’s because of ‘living on” PopTarts. My sugar level is probably WAY off now! But I had 2 half stuffed clams at dinner and 2 portions of the rice-a-roni stuff. Not exactly “filling” and not exactly “good” but it was food and it wasn’t more PopTarts. Oh, and Bob is on a diet! Imagine that? I wonder just how much he wants to lose… and why. Oh well. I want to go on a diet… to put ON some weight… quickly! – There was a LOT of catching-up to get done all day today. The social media, especially the e-mails. I even got one off to Mia… some-one who’s been following me on Twitter from the Shelter days. This is all so new and some-what exciting for me, making connections with people. Of course, it went down the shitter with Nancy, but then again, Fran didn’t make things all too great, and she wasn’t through the social media. So, we take one person individually and see what comes along. – Meanwhile, there were forms to be completed to get out in the post on Tuesday along with the on-line stuff. I can honestly say… tonight, I’m right up to where I would be if I hadn’t taken the week away. – Got a call from Aziz and a text. I didn’t call him today. It just got so involved with all sorts of things. Zue/Cris is having trouble down-loading her copy of the book. I changed the password access to block it. Let’s see who comes back to me with what complaint about that. Meanwhile, KINDLE MADE A REFUND ON THE BOOK! I’m a bit upset about that. But I can imagine… it was, most likely, the arses of City Terrace North. Ah.. rot! The lot of them1 Truly. – Other-wise, the wind is slamming against the house tonight as the temperatures drop and the snow that had fallen and then turned to slush will now freeze. When this business of training is done, there can be not one person who will be able to honestly say that I didn’t give this my “all”!!!!! And if the weather does what is expected, one of these trips will be the last… probably due to hypothermia. But I don’t much give a shit any more. Being this close to HOME is good enough at this point. – So, I’m going to browse a bit through Tmblr and then try for some sleep. Tomorrow is a week-day and I have to get into a routine so that I can wake at 4.00 at the latest and be on the road by 5.30 or 5.45 at the very latest. If weather permits tomorrow, I’ll try the run to Alburgh on the bike. It’s rather desolate for the most part and I’m hoping to make the trip there in just under 2 hours. We shall see, indeed, we shall see.
Mon.20.Jan: Up at 5:30 – 15.34 Sidewalk and path to the back door shoveled. So too, a path to the barn where, tomorrow, I’ll (hopefully) use the compressor to put some air into the tyre on the bike. The sun is coming out! The snow FINALLY stopped! Dry snow this time. COLD again though! AND MY SNEAKERS ARE WORN THROUGH AT THE TOE! FUCKED! – Phone is emergency only. WTF? – The “ladies” are cooking and I’m exhausted. – Looking at biking on Wednesday. The tough times, they are here. Yes, as it stands presently, I will be biking the full length of the trip to Alburgh. Oh well. I’ll just include a note in my back-pack that, in the event that I finally find Peace on the road, please to bring my remains back HOME. – I don’t give a shit. My working toward working and struggling for the sake of struggling are done. – 20.30 This evening, I posted to the “Milestone” site:
THERE IS A GREAT DEAL TO BE SAID FOR HAVING BEEN HOMELESS. For example, I am looking forward to a 48 mile (round-trip) journey to get to and from a new job… on a mountain bike (bicycle… no motor, all pedal power), across half the State of Vermont and into the middle of Lake Champlain. I will be leaving the house at 5:00 in the morning (well before sun-rise) to arrive by 7:30, working an 8-hour shift and pedalling back at about 5:00 in the evening (well after sun-set) to arrive at the house by about 7:30 in the evening. This will be going n for 5 days… The weather forecast for the days of work calls for “HIGH” temperatures of about MINUS 2 or 3 degrees… Fahrenheit. And of course, the “high” temperatures will happen while I’m in the office. When I leave the house, they will be considerable lower and when I leave the office, again, they will be lower. Not only are the temperatures below the freezing temperature (32 degrees), but they’ll be below… ZERO, which is 32 DEGREES BELOW FREEZING.
For an entire night and day it snowed. I don’t know the “official” measurement of snow-fall, but having gone out to shovel the walk and grounds, I’ve seen above a foot deep.
We don’t have super-highways in Northern Vermont. Most of the roads are 2-lanes at best, and of those, most are paved-over horse trails from town to town. “Public Works”, the departments that attend to road clearing, are, for the most part, run by the individual towns which are, for the most part… financially… broke. So there isn’t much attention given to clearing snow and ice from the roads. On a bicycle, a patch of ice can be as detrimental as an ice plane of several hundred feet in a car. And there are no street lights… the roads traverse some of the North Country’s wood-land, corn fields and, in my case, Wildlife Preserves along the banks of the river and lake.
So, imagine being on a bicycle, on a 2-land road with no “bike lane” or shoulder, the sun hasn’t risen as yet so the stars are still visible in an indigo coloured sky. There is darkness all around, no sun-light, no day-light, and the air temperature is not only below the freezing mark, but below absolute zero. There’s no windshield in front so, as the bike moves along, the cold air hits directly on face, hands, legs and feet. This is what is known as the “Wind Chill Factor” and THAT is CONSIDERABLY LOWER than the air temperature. The moisture in breath freezes on the face, and since I have a bit of a beard and moustache, it freezes OVER the mouth… solid ice.
But I have sheets of plastic… some of which is left from my days and nights, sleeping under a tree. Back in the days spent under the tree, I figured a way of putting the plastic on the ground and over me so that I wouldn’t get wet from dew or rain. Tonight I’ve figured a way of wrapping ME in it so that any dampness from partially melting snow won’t spray up on me as I pedal across the State and out across the lake. No needles, thread, tape or staples to hold this all together. Just ingenuity. I have to dress “business casual” for work, but cannot wear the work clothes on the bike ride, so I will put my work clothes into plastic bags that will go into my back-pack. No doubt, there will be questions about my mode of transport when others look for a car and there is none. But… as I say…
THERE IS A GREAT DEAL TO BE SAID FOR HAVING BEEN HOMELESS. The coming bike ride frightens me a bit; being alone on a dark, country road in sub-zero temperatures that can cause frost-bite and other complications.
But I HAVE BEENHOMELESS and I’m merely focusing on what little I have in the way of clothing and protection from the elements, the time it will take me to get to and from work, the time left for sleep for the following day and, in a small portion of my mind: what I will do if the cold gets too serious and I’m no-where close to any of the very small towns and villages that dot the route I’ll be taking. I am NOT panicking. I am NOT whining or be-moaning. I am NOT going about asking others to put themselves out or out of their way or out of their routine to make special arrangements for me. I HAVE BEEN HOMELESS and I know what to do when there is no-one to turn to and “Self” is the ONLE one who can be trusted and relied upon.
THERE IS A GREAT DEAL TO BE SAID FOR HAVING BEEN HOMELESS.
Oddly, when I went through the back-pack to look at the bits of black plastic that I’ve been carrying about, one of them was an open trash bag… from the says under the tree in Tilden perhaps? I believe so because it has a hole in one corner… where I joined two bags together to sleep on. Imagine… that, a couple of stones and a rail-road spike… It’s all that I have left of my “Life”… Homeless as it was. New York… I miss seeing that… “New York”. – And now, at 20.33, I am in bed, with the warmer on. The day is done. The window is frosted again. But the side-walk is relatively cleared, Curtis came by after I’d made the paths to the front of the house and to the barn. He plowed the back-yard (or, as they call it… the “drive-way”). Me? The only think I accomplished was to shovel and to step next door for a pack of smokes. Rachel was there. Just from her tone and the way she walked away form me, I’m being blamed, or at least held accountable for the turmoil at the post office. HEY! I had nothing to do with it and I have nothing to do with their politics. It’s just all the more reason to get money, get a car and get the fuck out of Franklin! ASAP! I truly do hate being in this town. I don’t find anything redeeming in it at all. I miss Richford. One of these days… – Had dinner tonight. The “ladies” cooked a “cacciatore” recipe they’d found on… of all things… FB! Honestly, between the two of them and their FOOD! ob and I had about the same portions. He’s on a DIET! Wants to lose weight! I wonder why. What prompts this? Quite honestly, he’d be quite attractive if he’d lose much of the gut. But I fear there will be repercussions if he loses weight. Lyle already thinks (and so believes) that the relationship is a bit on the shaky side as it is. And having the faggot about the house, I’m sure, doesn’t make for any better. And I’m MORE that certain that the faggot has NO respect for “relationships”, particularly considering the “Lonely Hearts” messages posted to FB and god-only-knows where else. And, whilst at it on the topic: Bob did say that he and Lyle met the faggot as a trist and that Lyle doesn’t like the faggot “that way”. Lyle has said that “Bob likes” the faggot. And, there were the nights in the back-yard, by the fire, with the freely doled blow-jobs, faggot on its knees, in front of Bob… even (or especially) on the nights when Lyle went in early. So? There is shit coming down the road and this time it’s not in the back of a spreader. – Meanwhile and that said and documented here-in… – My tooth is a bit better tonight. I found a tube of “Orajel” in the “Pharm” box. It’s not as good as “Anbesol” but it seems to have worked a bit. That, and scouring with the toothbrush. When I brushed this after-noon the swelling decreased and the “flavour”? Infection. I’ve no doubt about it: sugar consumption is WAY too high lately and THAT will set everything in my body off. Stress? Of course… as a matter of history, it’s been that way. The stress level rises and my body runs all sorts of amok in all sorts of painful manners. Add to this the fact that I’ve been SO terribly congested since that week at Fran’s. Locked in that little flat with all the smoke and shit in the air. Sealed away from fresh air AND ANY AND ALL day-light. Then, sleeping all night in it. My heart breaks when I think of Sparky and Oreo. Those poor little creatures. I’ve half a mind to notify Animal Protection and have them removed. But I know it would lead to their demise. Of course, it would be quicker and more humane. But… A moral and ethical dilemna… as usual. Still, it’s terrible that the little ones should be subjected to that hell-hole that way. I know it’s taken a toll on me (and tomorrow’s trip into Alburgh will give me the fresh air to hopefully clear MY lungs). – I think that just about covers the day. The rest of the crew is in the living-room, in front of the TV (as if they’d be any-where else). I’m hoping to be able to get to sleep ever so soon (it’s already 20.50) and be able to wake at about 4:15 tomorrow morning… just to begin the “routine” that’s to come. I’m also hoping that the weather report is wrong about the temperatures, but from the looks of the window… Nope. Just checked: Minus 17 with a “feel” of minus 24. Tomorrow morning: minus 25 with a “feel” of minus 33. The highest will be minus 19 with a “feel” of minus 26. Saturday the warmest at minus 5. Clear through the week until Saturday and Sunday… snow, followed by another plunge. Oh well. These are the days… and there isn’t a bloody thing I can do to stop or change it so? Time to wrap this shit up and try for some rest! (I’m a bit on the hungry side but I’ve already had my PopTarts for the day and have already finished one box! Besides… No more sugar! Must cut back… for now at least.) – HOW ODD: AT EXACTLY 21.00 THE DOGS START WITH THEIR BARKING SHIT! I WONDER IF THIS IS HOW IT’S GOING TO BE THROUGH TO NEXT WEEK. IT WOULDN’T SURPRISE ME IN THE LEAST. ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THAT I’LL BE WAKING AT 4.00 FOR THE NEXT SEVERAL DAYS INTO NEXT WEEK AND GETTING ON THE ROAD TO GO TO WORK… WELL… WE SHALL SEE HOW MUCH CONSIDERATION AND RESPECT COMES ALONG AND BE CERTAIN TO RETURN SAME WHEN THE TIME COMES.
Tue.21.Jan: MINUS 40 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT IS EXACTLY MINUS 40 DEGREES CELSIUS
10.15 I’m on hold with the VT DCFP trying to figure out how the hell the PO fucked my address. I have a feeling I know, too well, but the deeper I dig into this, the more I might be able to “repair” over there at the PO and the better for me. Meanwhile… please hold… – This morning’s temperatures are hovering in the minus-teens and that’s Fahrenheit! The snows of yesterday have, as expected, turned to ice. This room is BITTER-BITTER COLD! – Yes, I woke at about 4.15 this morning… and dozes, on and off, in and out. I probably SHOULD have gotten right into the whole ordeal for today since, at this point, it looks like I won’t get out of here any time before 11.00 at the earliest. And that’s only if everything else goes well and smoothly. I have SO much to do to prepare for the coming days. Being COLD IN THE HOUSE ALL THE TIME doesn’t help matters at all. It’s as if I’m in a constant state of hypothermia… groggy and weary and can’t seem to get thing together. Even the simple task of typing this (as I sit, on hold) is an effort because my fingers are so cold. There’s a “breeze” blowing about the room, even in the South-East corner. This is just the shit! Truly. And here I sit, worrying about back rent? Had I known! But I must say that this morning my general attitude is changed. (10.22: 15 minutes on hold to be disconnected! Arse-holes! Even in VT) I’ve grown tired of trying to be so considerate around here… even to the point of having to make phone calls in the morning and getting hot water for my coffee. Faggot doesn’t give a shit about anybody’s “comfort”! And this morning, the dogs bark, Bob chats with the faggot. It’s really quite interesting. Meanwhile, I try to keep as still and quiet as I possibly can and where does it get me? “YOU OWE US A LOT OF MONEY!” and “YOU TOOK THE CAR TO PORTLAND!” and MAYBE I’ll get a lift in the morning BUT only as far as Swanton. Faggot gets the lifts to St. Albans AND to BURLINGTON for medical appointments and shit. I’m going to WORK! BUT, as is always the case of and with “Priorities” … WORK isn’t important enough. Well… this all adds up. It all just adds up. – This is fucked! 10.27 and I have things to do and places to go and I’m stuck on this damned line… on bloody HOLD! FOR THE SECOND TIME! – There’s a shit-load of snow out there and the road is frozen. This bike-ride is going to be interesting if nothing else. I also want to write a note to keep with me: When found dead, please shove my carcass across “your” border and let me be at Peace… at HOME! – This morning, I put a “widget” on the “Milestone” that shows current weather… for Stowe. There have been over 60 hits to the journal thus far. I hope the weather/temperature makes some kind of difference. It would be a delight if I could get enough to get a car! (But I dream and I’m a fucktard.) – OK. Let’s see what I CAN accomplish whilst being held captive here on this call. JEEZUSKRISTE! – 10.53 FS taken care of and the bull-shit with TD! Fucktards put me into collections for 273,00 or something like that! Oh well… round and round and round we go! – Time to try to get on the road! –
17.00 No Bob. No dinner. And faggot says “At least we don’t have to worry about the rubbish man until next week.” Me? I’m looking at MINUS 40° (both F and C) wind-chills tomorrow morning and a 2-hour bike ride. According to the charts, it takes 5 minutes to come down with frostbite. – 18.06 At about 17.45, Lyle called me down for left-over lasagna. Faggot had already eaten (of course). At about 17.50, Bob comes in the house and asks “Did Lyle tell you about the place ‘Goodwill’?” No… “it’s a service for people who don’t have cars. They come and pick you up and bring you to where you have to go.” OK… tell me at 18.00 when I have to be at work tomorrow morning at 7.30. Thank you. More to remember when the time comes. And yes, I’m rather pissed. But you know what? Tomorrow morning will probably kill me off… at last. But I WILL get on the road, more-so now than ever. It might not be the comfortable way to go… but I’ll go… some-where. – 18.38 have been on the line with the local “211” for the past half hour or so. All day it’s been the same: nobody answering telephones. Oh well. As I waited, I looked into some sort of programme at GMTA called “Volunteer Drivers”… have sent GMTA an e-mail. There isn’t a thing more that I can do at this hour. – 18.49 Well, in a bit, “30 Vies”, then shower, then bed. Early morning tomorrow. I have to admit: I’m a bit on the frightened side of things, but what will be will be. – Today, I got the address situation settled for the FS application. Now let’s see what they do. I sent an e-mail to the Medicaid to get that address changed. I went to the PO and got the lettre from Medicaid which led to the change of address e-mail. Then… THEN… JEN CALLS TO ASK ME IF I CAN BE AT THE PO HERE IN TOWN TOMORROW AT 14.30 FOR SOME KIND OF “EVALUATION”… CINDY WILL BE WORKING THERE IN THE AFTER-NOON SO IT’LL BE CONVENIENT FOR HER! YEAH? FOR HER? NOPE. NOT FOR ME! If the biking information is close to true, I won’t be back in town before 16.00. So? Tough shit! I’m tired of all the jumping here and there at the last minute and now? I’ll be biking in MINUS 40° temperatures to KEEP THIS FUCKING JOB? NAHHHH. NOPE. AND I DO NOT THINK SO. – Well! Then there’s the issue of TD and the fact that they put the over-draft into COLLECTIONS AGAIN! I contacted the collections company and told them that I would make good on the over-draft and that they, collections, will deal with TD. Period. The guy pissed me off by repeatedly telling me that he could take payments over the phone. I repeatedly told him that I would deal with TD directly. So I finally cut the call. – You know what? I NEED a bloody car if I’m to continue with this shit. Fuck the WORLD! – There’s more that I’d like to add to this, but I want a smoke and will need a shower after “30 Vies”. I’ve been sitting in this room all day with double socks under my boots (with the holes in them), sweat-shirt, corduroy shirt, hooded sweat-shirt, and even the knit cap on. I’m tired… and cold… and the door’s been open and it’s STILL cold in this room and I’m fed up. Or maybe it’s just hypothermia? I don’t know at this point. But the bike tyre is full of air, the WD40 is on the moving parts, and I even raised the bike seat so my legs can extend a bit more! I have a huge piece of heavy plastic to put on as a poncho or what-ever as I ride along the lake tomorrow in the dark. I don’t care… I can’t care… I just can’t give a shit any more… just can’t. – 20.43 Showered and in bed. When I came out of the shower tonight, I tried the scale in the loo… 154,5lbs. I can’t imagine! I certainly don’t look that heavy! But… it’s a hell of a lot better than I’d expected. – Then, Bob comes to me to tell me that he’ll bring me in to work tomorrow morning! HEY! (OK. So I have to walk back… 7 hours or so, but…) He found some information on the ride service… Good News in Burlington. Those fucktards are the ones who give the bloody refugees the free cars but I can’t get one! Bull-shit! But tonight I’m just happy to know that I won’t be on the road at 5.00 tomorrow morning! Nobody could possibly know how happy I am about that. I was actually fearful. -40°! And Bob actually said that HE realises that the wind-chill is worse on a bike because of the added velocity of the bike in the equation! It’s a wonder… it really is… He’s the one who seems to have all the sense in the house-hold… in the serious matters. The other 2? Let’s leave it at “not so much”. – I’m in correspondence with folks from Queens on the FB. Keeping in touch with the Home-land, as it were. Much fun. – Got to watch “30 Vies” tonight too! So, the day wound-down to something rather “up”. I don’t much give a shit about the rest of it all, but I must say that I am more than so relieved about tomorrow morning. I’ll think about tomorrow evening when the time comes. HEY! At least I have the phone back on… I wonder what the coverage will be like… on the 7-hour walk back to the house… As I say… I’ll think about that as I walk along… rapidly.
Wed.22.Jan: 18.20 No dinner. Cold room. Lyle and faggot didn’t prep anything for Bob at all and now the house reeks of reefer!!! – 18.43 OK. So… this morning, I was all prepped to head out on the bike anyway, Bob was in the kitchen, ready to take me in to work. I “mentioned” that he could have stayed in bed until his usual hour, I could have dropped him at work, gone to work, picked him up after. Well… we headed out as scheduled and some-where en route he decided that that was a great idea! SO! We went to his job. He got there 30 minutes early, and I got the car to go to the PO! I had 10$ with me this morning so before heading to Alburgh, I put that into the gas tank. – I was in Alburgh by shortly after 7.00 so I took a ride up and out… toward the lake… toward Rouses Point… NEW YORK! Stopped before getting on the bridge, took a couple of photos of the lake and headed back. Border Patrol is all over Alburgh… I miss them… I miss Richford. – Got to the PO at about 7.25 and Trevor let me in. I got to case some mail this morning! OK! And then on with the day. I’ve inherited a drawer that’s about 100 short. Thankfully, the computer switches users and I’m good. – As for the day? It was SO good to be back at the window. Even with the learning the computerised system, it was pleasant. That office is a nice place to work in: clean, bright, orderly. – I rang Jen to say that I could make that appointment with Cindy this afternoon but Cindy cancelled. Oh well… OK for me anyway. – When I left at 14.00 I headed right for the CU to get cash. I need smokes ( and now… FOOD money!) and I wanted to put gas in the car. Whilst at the CU, I stopped at Walmart… GOT AN ELECTRIC TEA KETTLE! 13$. AND A GLASS MUG! Now all I need to do is find an extension cord and… HOT WATER! TEA! OK! Also got 2 more packages of hand warmers, 2 boxes of PopTarts (thankfully… because that’s all I have to eat now… and I’m on the 6th now). And I grabbed a little package of “fish hook” findings for ear-rings. Why? Because I want them. – Put another 15$ gas in the car and got a pack of 9$ smokes! NINE dollars! Fuck! At any rate, today I put 25$ into the gas tank… I’m not getting the car for free. So let somebody say something… I have the receipts. – Well, I picked up Bob at his job at exactly 16.00! And that’s when today’s lesson in this house-hold took hold: He phoned the house en route. Lyle answered, sounding all sorts of out of sorts… weary. Immediately the whining: the house is cold. WHAT? (RIGHT NOW THIS ROOM IS SO COLD MY FINGERS ARE ALMOST BURNING FROM THE COLD. THE REST OF THE HOUSE IS FINE… BUT THE COLD IS GOING RIGHT DOWN MY NECK AND THROUGH THE SWEATS. It’s colder this Winter than it was last Winter and SHIT! THIS ROOM is COLDER than the house was at it’s worst last Winter. This is nothing short of bloody shit!) I digress… Lyle whined about the cold. Bob asked what was for dinner. “Randy and I were just walking around trying to figure that out.” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? ‘JUST”? It was 16.15 already! I said nothing. Bob asked why it was cold. Lyle claimed it’s because the heaters (the boiler AND the pellet stove) “can’t keep up”. Bob said something about dinner. Lyle offered “frozen chicken sandwiches: and that he would prepare one. Bob said he’d put something together. Lyle said he shouldn’t have to do that after working all day. OK… when the conversation was done, Bob commented “I don’t understand that…” I asked “What part?” The cold. I quietly pointed out the thumbing a TV remote all day does nothing to build body heat and that opened the chat… I let him talk this time, saying nothing, learning more. Yes, indeed, so it appears, he’s not very happy with “the situation at home”, as it were. In fat, at one point, I HAD to point out that he “married his ex-wife”. He too can’t understand how the two of them (Lyle and the faggot) can sit around the house all day, doing nothing and then, at the very last moment of the day, claim that they can’t decide (or figure out) what to prepare for dinner. He’s not happy about his spouse, sitting about the house all day, watching TV and sleeping, and the pellets for the stove don’t come into the house and the stove runs out. He said that it bothers him that the dinner dishes will sit in the sink, often for days, and not get washed. He mentioned that the house doesn’t get cleaned and he doesn’t understand how that can be. He compared Lyle to his ex-wife several times. It was fascinating. It was sad. It made me happier, and happier still, that I’m not in any “relationship” and it made me even more resolved to remain “Not In Any Relationship”. I might very well be cynical, but this sort of shit makes me quite content in that. Oh, and he mentioned all the left-overs and how they sit in the house until such time when they get thrown out. He disapproves of that as well. I thanked him for allowing me to feel better about my own attitudes toward such things because it’s bothered me terribly that so much food is thrown away. – Did this chat do anything to make things change? No. His attitude is: “Is it worth having a fight over? No. We have to choose our battles.” So, it will continue. And I keep in mind: Bob is, I believe, 42… Lyle is soon to be 64. Sometimes this shit works… most often it does not. And the day will come when the “sparkle” of the “glitz’n’glam” will tarnish. I have no sympathy… I have no compassion… I don’t give a shit. – These are my SCHADENFREUDE DAYS! – Dinner, as it were, was… well, if memory serves (as I’m recounting this at 6.13 on Sunday, the 26th), some sort of “chicken sandwich” that was described, by Bob, as being little over the size of a jar-lid, frozen, to be popped into the microwave. I believe he had one (or some). Me? I had nothing… I grabbed a few PopTarts yet again tonight. – The stench of the “weed” they’re smoking is nauseating! It bloody-well is acrid! So I’ve put the board over the floor vent which means the room is “sealed off” tonight. There’ll be NO HEAT coming in during the night. As I’ve said, this Winter is SO much colder than last Winter, and this room takes a very long time to warm, and no time at all to cool. The 2 out-side walls are North and East and there’s nothing to block the cold and wind. (Bob and I discusses that… EVER SO BRIEFLY… this evening as well.) And there’s no heat registre from the boiler. Even then, the boiler is at the opposite end of the house so by the time the hot air from the boiler makes its way across the bitter cellar… well.. Who the fuck cares, really? That’s just the way it is. And the best I can hope for is to die in my sleep.
Thu.23.Jan: 19.52 This morning, Bob dropped me at the PO at about 6.00… I’m not due in until 7.45 and the lobby doesn’t open until 7.00. So there I was, in a small, New England town, on the Champlain, in the dark, in the cold, on the main thorough-fare, a stranger to the towns-folk. How awkward. So I took the chance and went across the road to the little “general store”. Thankfully I have a couple of dollars and figured I’d simply introduce myself as working in their PO and such and have a coffee… if they had coffee. Well! the reception was a delight and yes, they have coffee! SO I had a coffee, strolled about the store, admiring the selection and the prices. The place is amazing! Better selection, and better prices than the rip-off shit in Franklin. (OK. I admit: I do NOT like being in Franklin… at all!) As it turned out, I spent 1,5hrs there, chatting with… Donna Bohanon who… knows Lyle and Bob! Imagine THAT! And now, even MY social circles become entwined and I become more a part of this “New England landscape”! How funny. How strange. How odd. How… who-gives-a-shit-really. – I had a pastry, poured another coffee. Donna rang one coffee and the pastry… I got a pack of smokes too… they’re the same price there as in Richford… and cheaper than in Franklin (of course). I popped-off a text to Lyle and Bob with greetings from Donna and made my way across the road to work. – It was, all told, a great day at work. I’m learning the “POS” (but still looking forward to going back to the “old, manual” methods), the customers were actually rather a delight and Brenda and Trevor are wonderful. – For lunch today, I actually ATE! I went across the road, back to the store and got a turkey-cheese grinder with a bag of crisps… FOOD!!!!! – The after-noon went by rather well (so I believe), learning SO much of what’s changed so much in the years I’ve been away. And the “close of business” truly is so much quicker on the computer system. Still, I miss my old adding-machine tapes and such… the old way seems to have more control and better history filing. But, the times for that are coming. – At 17.00 I was out the door. Bob was there already and when I went to get into the car… LYLE was sitting there! Some sort of story about Bob having a dental problem, needing a cleaning and filling and taking time to go to the dentist. Why Lyle got into it, I don’t know and franchement, I don’t give a shit. All I could think of is that I have fillings where I should have teeth and teeth that are lose and causing me pain and yet, I go on about my business. Meanwhile, there are those who can afford to run along to the dentist at the drop of a toothbrush. And so, the world may such my arse and have a nice day. – I was SMASHED into the tiny bit of space in the back seat behind her Ladyship all the way back to the house, so tightly that I almost couldn’t get out of the car by the time we arrived. But hey, never mind. Just be thankful I wasn’t on the bike. Eh? (Bloody bull-shit… the lot.) – So, faggot actually prepped dinner this evening: pork chops, rice, tinned green beans. I had one small chop (because I politely waited for the others to serve themselves before taking… and the smallest chop was what was left… no surprises there, to be sure), about 6-7 tablespoons of the rice and one spoon of the beans. After dinner I rinsed the dishes to be put into the machine and as I was so-doing, faggot tells me “I have 3 bags of pellets set-up on the porch.” Meaning: it brought the bags from the “garage” and stacked them on the back porch, BUT WILL NOT BRING THEM IN THE HOUSE! Me? I said (to my-self, of course) FUKDATSHIT! I am NOT hauling pellets for the stove that gives ME NO HEAT! AND… I AM NOT GOING TO WORK ALL DAY WHILST THE TWO OF THEM LOUNGE ABOUT DOING JACK-OFF FUCK-ALL SHIT NOTHING AND THEN COME IN AND HAUL PELLETS TO FEED A STOVE THAT GIVES ME NO BENEFIT! FUCK YOU BOTH AND FUCK YOU ALL! Thank you and have a nice day. I went to the porch, had a smoke and went up to “the room”… the “walk-in cooler”. Oh yeah… I’m at the end of my tether and… – This evening, I got into bed promptly and looked up the PMs from the offices I’d worked in. Marian has been out for years, Kathy is out of WV, Karen is gone form Cragsmoor and Cragsmoor is now “officially” what the PO is calling an “RMPO” out of Ellenville. Sad… so very, terribly, heart-breakingly sad. But at least the offices are still there! The zip codes and their identities are still alive. – I still can’t find any contact information for the APWU though. How fucking stupid! I wonder: is this what it’s going to be like IF I ever need them? Pay dues and they won’t be there? Something to ponder and perhaps ask before joining… indeed. – I MISSED “30 VIES” because of the union shit. Piss me off! The little things in the world that bring me joy and no matter… I must be denied, one way or another. (Yes, I take it personally. Fuck the rest.) – 21.30 Lights out. Later than I’d planned. But still… tomorrow is another day of waking early… to go to work to pay taxes so the lazy fat shits can sit about whining, napping, grazing, watching TV and waiting for their cheques to arrive in the mail… OH HOW FUNNY!!! Me… Postal… delivering… and I’ll be the one helping to deliver the cheques! FUCKING HATEFUL NOW, ME! FUCKALL. THE WORLD IS A DUNG-HEAP… BUT NOW I REALISE: MY TAXES ARE PAYING FOR THEIR SURVIVAL! NEW BATTLE LINES! TAH DAH.
Fri.24.Jan: 18:57 In bed. In jammies. Bob drove me to work this morning and dropped me at the store at 6.00. He got to chat with Donna for a bit and left. I got into the office at about 7.40. The day went along ever so well. I like being in Alburgh, I like working with Brenda and Trevor. I like the office and people are generally very nice and kind there. And, of course, it’s good to be back in the Postal Service. – Bob arrived at about 16.30 to get me. I’m not sure about how that came about, I know I made the trip from Georgia to the PO in just about a half-hour or so, hauling butt up the 89, but anyway, there he was… He waited out-side, parked right up against a snow bank so I had to CLIMB to get into the car. Honestly? People are fucktards… in general. – Then this evening:
Tonight at the house, Lyle greeted with “We’ll sit down to eat as soon as you come back down.” (I told him not to wait… but I went up, dropped back-pack, took off jacket and went to table). Clam chowder (small serving), 2 frank rolls with imitation crab salad (small portions). After dinner, I remarked that I’d suggested that I’d like it if I could combine the 2 remaining days on at Alburgh next week. Lyle responded: “That’s bullshit! I’d tell them ‘I’ll get here and you bring me back!”
I replied: “Or, I could simply just lose this job altogether and go right back to the Shelter in NYC … which has been top on my list of late”
THEN HE SAYS something about BOB being tired; “Putting extra hours in on his day.” FUCK YOU FAT OLD BITCH QUEEN! BOB? I WAKE AT 4.30… BOB WAKES AT 5.00! BOB CHOOSES TO GO TO BED AT 21.30 OR LATER. I CHOOSE TO GO TO BED A LOT EARLIER.
I add tonight that THIS MORNING, HER LADYSHIT HAD TO BE IN THE LOO AS I WAS TRYING TO GET READY FOR WORK, LOOKING AT THE TOILET OR SOME BULL-SHIT! I BRUSHED MY TEETH IN THE ROOM, DIDN’T GET TO WASH MY FACE, LEFT THE TOOTH-BRUSH WRAPPED IN PAPER TOWELS ON THE LITTLE DESK AND WENT TO WORK THAT WAY! WHY? MADAME SIMPLY HAD TO BE UP, FUCKING ABOUT THE LOO… AT 5.00? WHAT the FUCK?
Faggot chimes in (and it looks at the sales flier): “Even though we ain’t got money….”
I’m thinking: It’s not like you’ve ever skipped a meal or at least had the opportunity to feed your fat arse all bloody fucking day!”But I didn’t say it.
Went to back porch for a smoke. Faggot comes out with Ellie and piece-o-shit. On the way in, faggot mentioned something about a bag of pellets and comments on there being only 1 bag on the porch and having to bring more up. Some song-and-fuckall reference to having “chores”. I ignored, came to the COLD room and changed into jammies. – 19.07 I’m falling asleep typing this. SO tired! – While I’m still awake… A note: Just this month alone, to-date, I’ve put 95$ into the gas tank of the car. I surely haven’t used that much and I doubt I’ve cost that much but I paid it! So fuck the attitude problem round here. – OH! OH! OH! As they say CHECK THIS OUT… Faggot got it’s lower lip pierced. May it fester, I pray and beseech. – 19.13 I’m exhausted. Will trot for a smoke, come back, social media, then to sleep. – Bob gave me the key to the car for tomorrow morning. (I wish I had money! But I’ll get coffee at least for next week. Needed!) – 19.25 Back from a smoke. IT’S BITTER COLD AGAIN! – Need to take a shit. Faggot had the loo – Thought: they’re not even heating this room I’m in because it’s been sealed off, more or less. The plank is over the floor vent to the “dining room” down-stairs so no heat leaves the first floor there. AND… MOST of the time, the door is closed. So! Not costing them to heat the extra space. (The windows have been so frosted-over for so long that it’s becoming “normal” not seeing out of them.)
20.54 NIGHT
Sat.25.Jan: 6.04 Up at 4.30, cold coffee and a smoke. This room is so cold my fingers are going stiff. I have to shower this morning and I’m actually dizzy from need of BM! But… I’ll be out and on the road soon. Can’t wait to see how much gas is NOT in the car. I’m running low on my own funds already. AND… I can’t help but recall… I’ve put in 95$ gas this month… and I doubt I’ve USED that much. But you know what? FUCK EM ALL! After that comment from Lyle last night… fuck em all! I’ll get and keep this job, to save my own reputation and shit! I’ll just head for the Shelters… maybe this time in MTL! Who the fuck knows? And more… who the bloody-fuck gives a shit? – 13.25 Back at the house and the room is BITTER FREEZING COLD! And the washer is going… Lyle and faggot are, shockingly, awake. There’s even food in the crock-pot cooking! Faggot has a hair-cut today! Spiff. Fukkit. – I am exhausted and want to lie down to sleep for a bit. But there are things I want to accomplish. Why? Fuck me if I know. – I still keep thinking, as I sit in this cold room, dressed as if to go out, “You owe us a lot of money!” For freezing in this “rented” room? And I’m tired of dozing off at the key-board only to look up to a string of “e’s”! I could go right to sleep at this point. But… – 19.31 Well, let’s see how far we can get with this this time! – OK. Gas… there was just about a “bar” over half a tank. But, of course, I put my 10$ in when I got to Swanton and it put it UP OVER the half-tank. Will anybody notice? Nahhh… But I know I put it in. I’ve got receipts for all the gas… 105$ just this month alone. So, if anybody (anybody?) has anything to say about it, I’ll either break even, having not “taken” any gas, or even exceeding the gas used. HOW I FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT! Having to think about such bull-shit. I’ve nether use, nor desire for these fem-bitch fags. – On the matter of the commute this morning… I noticed this morning that the 78 running along the river SO reminds me of the stretch of Cross Bay Blvd. on the Northern stretch of Broad Chanel! AND… coming into Alburgh reminds me SO of a stretch of road along Orange Lake! Imagine that! How strange: to take a part of land, 100’s of miles away, and have it look SO much like another place… especially from my own past! – Got into town early enough to stop and see Donna, get coffee, chat a bit and get to the PO… AN HOUR EARLY! YES! I did it again! Didn’t bother to check the calendar and got there at the “usual” time but wasn’t due for an hour! So I cased some mail, had a smoke break and then got to work. – WORK! OH SHIT EN CÂLISSE! Trevor had to take 2 applications for passports and I was all but left alone to run the window when a woman came in to get a simple “Certified”. But the bloody “POS” kept blanking out on me for some reason. She,the customer, was a delight, but I lost patience and muttered “’stie! J’ai pas l’patience for les machines!” and she quietly looked at me and said something about “besoin patience…” SHE SPOKE FRENCH! AND I WAS ABSOLUTELY SCARED SHITLESS THAT SHE’D COMMENT ON MY VULGARITIES! I must have turned purple because when I looked up and apologised (in French, of course) she said “It’s OK. There was nothing wrong said.” I thanked her, (in French, of course) and she said (in English) “You have to be more careful because there are a lot of bi-lingual people here, you know.” Well, with some help from Trevor, we got through the situation and the woman left saying something about “C’est un autre jour en tabarnak.” and we both laughed. WHEW! SO CLOSE! – From that point on, the day went rather well enough and the time passed rather quickly. The close-out went with-out glitch and all was well. I was done by 12.05 and out at 12.15. I wanted to stop to get an extension cord for the tea kettle, but I’m down to my last 20$ now and as I say, 10$ of that went into the gas tank. So? No cord. But that’s OK. – The snow had drifted in the HOWLING winds of the day, over the roads and became packed snow and ice. But not too bad. I was just SO THANKFUL that I wasn’t on a bike! THAT would have been HELL! (And I just remembered: I left the car radio on “Rouge FM”. HAhahahah…. tough shit!) – Back at the house, Lyle and fag were awake, Bob was asleep on the sofa, and fag was making a wash. I was only thinking this morning how, “You owe us a lot of money!” and all the while, I keep the door to the room closed most of the time so they’re not heating it, and I’ve done all of maybe 5 or 6 washes so I’m not using a lot of hot water, nor am I using a lot of their wash detergent, nor the electric for the washer, nor the propane for the dryer. And yet, fag has the washer and dryer going regularly… especially since it’s little piece of shit is forever shitting, peeing or puking on the bed. (That mattress and cover are going to be disgusting in due course.) Oh well… it’s always the same: I make myself SO unintrusive and yet, I’m the one who gets the shit shoved down the throat. The moment will come (again) when I’ll be hearing something about what a miserable person and how abusive I am. I know that now. I document the future. – Dinner was already cooking in the crock-pot when I came in. I didn’t know what it was but learned later… chili. – I came directly to the BITTER-FUCKING-BLOODY-FREEZING-COLD room and changed my trousers and shoes, but left the 2 sweat-shirts and grey flannel shirt (and drapeau scarf and black, insulated hooded sweat-shirt) on. Put my sneakers on my feet over the 2 pairs of socks. (They’re keeping me marginally warm.) And got into the spread-sheet to record the gas money and then on to the social media I’ve been away from all the week. – It was almost 16.50 when Bob came to ask how my day went. I told him. He went down-stairs and moments later called up to say that dinner was ready. I went down. – “Dinner” tonight: 4 tablespoons rice, 2 ladles of chili (sauce, no meat) and 2 “pre-made” croissants with. When I’d done, Bob said “There’s plenty more.” I declined. And although I tried to be “civil” as usual at table, I can detect that Lyle has something dead up his rectum, just by his tone with me. (Something’s coming at me, I can see the head-lights just off on the horizon. Fukkem!) – Ah… fag says he’s looking forward to trying “that new juice with vodka” tonight. How charming! Again… THEY will get drunk! I will be ignored. Yes, all that bull-shit from Lyle about being “family” and appreciating all that I’ve done round here. Bull-shit. It always is, always was, always will be. -After dinner, I rinsed my bowl and returned up to the room to continue with the spread-sheet and social media. – Horrible news: The car that Fran allegedly bought for me, the Subaru wagon that conveniently went to Devon… well, Devon posted to FB this evening (and I got included in this posting! imagine that) that the “strut tower” came right up through the floor into the back seat today! The car is now useless! Quite honestly, it does rather hurt me to think of him suffering because, well, HE WILL suffer because of this! Not only is he NOT accustomed to walking or biking, never mind through inclement weather, but his job requires him to travel, sometimes great distances (like Plattsburgh) and work LONG hours (as Fran boasted whilst I was there: “Devon will have put in 2 hours of over-time… and he did it in only 4 days.”). He’s rather ruined by this twist. (Hey, it could have been me! He’s got a Mum and brother and “friends” to turn to… I have NOBODY! Still, it shouldn’t have happened… not to Devon!). And yet, I can’t help but think this evening: These are the times when we see how many “friends” we actually have… and this time, it’s not ME who gets the slam in the teeth. SCHADENFREUDE! OK Frannie… now look toward home when it comes to the hard-ships of others. As I must say: SCHADENFREUDE! Of course, I posted to FB that I empathise with him and that I will surely let him know when/if I see any cars available. (I need one SO badly and yet, I post some thing so sweet and kind and considerate.) I also posted a photo of my commute today… back road, snow drifts, desolation… I didn’t claim that I did the trip on the bike, but it “might have read that way”. Meanwhile, I find it strange that I was about to “block” him from the FB connection but thought I’d leave it up and running. After all, he’s not the arse… his mother is.) – And so, that done and said, I actually am up to here at the moment. That was my “day”. – The others are nestled in the parlour, in front of the TV. I noticed that the door coming up stairs from the “old living-room” where the pellet stove is, is closed… meaning… NO HEAT IS COMING UP TO THE SECOND FLOOR! meaning… THIS ROOM IS GETTING COLDER as the time goes by. They’re a bunch of FUX and FUKTARDS. HOWever… all I will note here is that fag took a hair-cut at some point and dumb-ass left the cuttings in the waste bin in the loo. I say nothing more on the matter. – It’s already 20.12 and although I’m not actually tired (and I can’t imagine why not), I’m about to get into bed. There are several days of up-dates that have to be done and posted and some photos I think I want to include. I’ll do that from the comfy of under-the-covers with the heating pad on. – 20.42 BLESS ME! FS RETURNS! Opening 315! Now, if only I had a place where I could EAT!!! But hey! It’s there! (Now to figure a way to get the food into the house.. un-detected. SHIT! As COLD as it is in this room, I can store ice-cream under the fucking bed!) – 21.54 And… again tonight, the hypocrisy. As I sit in the room, the stench of that nasty shit they smoke wafts up and in through the open door. Fucking WEED! The Fat Lady can’t stand the smell of cigarettes, won’t let the spouse smoke a pipe in the house, but WEED? OH! WELL! THAT’S PERFECTLY FINE! Fuck and to Hell with anybody else in the house. Eh? AND… the drinks are flowing and even fag is getting stoned. Me? Odd man out. Fuck me. Fuck them. Fuck it all! (My day will come…) Bob did come up to the room just a bit ago. “I seen you go out for a smoke but I didn’t see you come back.” (TeeHee… not tonight Bob… but ever so soon…) When I came back in from the smoke, her Ladyshipt was in the kitchen, under the pretence of feeding the pets, and when I tried to be civil and conversational, I was COMPLETELY IGNORED! with a grimace. So? You frustrated old thing. Your “marriage” is shit. Your relationship is shit. And you’re nasty, lazy, fat, infected and infectious. You have what you deserve. Meanwhile… there you are. – I’m in bed, heat-pad on, fingers going cold. The floor vent is blocked. Faggot is “tinkling” with the phone/lap-top/what-ever and as usual… I wait for the shit to hit the fan. Fukkit! – I have a lot of catching-up to do again.
Sun.26.Jan: 5.46 I “slept in” this morning. The alarm sounded at 4.45 and I put it off for a bit and laid in bed, awake, for a while. But I don’t want to get back into the habit of being in bed at 9.00 and such and I don’t want to get out of the habit of being awake for work in the morning. And… since I’ve always enjoyed being awake at early hours I decided that, even if it disturbs the others, fuck them. They don’t mind disturbing me so? Fuck them. I had a tap-hot coffee this morning and went for a smoke. UN-fortunately, this morning’s first thought was:
“You owe us a lot of money” as I stood in the cold back porch, looking at the rather neat and orderly barn in the back yard. MONTHS of HARD work went into that. MONTHS of rather dangerous and difficult work went into that. And gee, isn’t it rather odd that all the work was appreciated whilst the lard-arses sat round the fire on Friday nights, getting drunk and getting blow-jobs as I broke and cut fire-wood and stoked the fire, never really sitting down, never actually relaxing round the fire. Indentured Slave, me. And when I got t the kitchen this morning, there, on the table, sat 3 mugs… the drinks they sucked up last night… and the tin that used to hold the “non-bake” chocolate cookies. Oh yes. Faggot with the by-pass surgery, her Ladyship all a-ghast being over 301lbs, and “Mr.” being on a diet, counting calories on the mobile phone. Her Ladyship’s “fibromyalgia” and hyper-sensitivity to tobacco smoke and yet, not, oddly enough, to the marijuana. “You owe us a lot of money.” And yet “You’ve improved this place 500%. I thought I was going to sit here watching the place rot around me. I got myself into a state where I was so depressed thinking I was going to be here alone, and the place was just going to go to shit. My father saw this house as just a piece of property that he owned. But my mother saw it as a home and she took great care of it. Now, it’s a home again.” But… “You owe us a lot of money!” And… “You took out car to Maine!” Well, I do have photos of the “before” and the “after” of “YOUR” property and all the work that “I” put into it. AND, your neighbours are aware of all (or most) of the work that *I* put into YOUR place. And now? I’ll be in YOUR Post Office with YOUR neighbours. *MY* day will come.
Isn’t that a lovely way to begin a brand new day? – The plow has been by a few times already this morning and the road is back to being ice. January… Winter is still very much with us. But I have money for food again, a cheque coming at the end of this week. The cheque is all but useless to me, really. I “owe” them “a lot of money!” But MY mal-nourished arse is WORKING! I need a car… a vehicle to get the fuck out of here. I need a place, out of here, to go to. I got me out of the Shelter… I’ll get me out of this shit as well. And I can leave, and as before, not look back. I’m not “deserving” of sitting in a bitter cold room, shoved off as an “aside”. I’m not deserving of verbal abuse nor the silence. And “Life” has, in very small ways, been almost rather good to me. MY day will come… if I just wait a while. – 9.40 I started to take a nap at about 6.00 and woke at almost 9.00. Oh well… it’s bitter cold in the room and the house is quite and I don’t give a shit one way or the other. I’m not exactly in a good frame of mind anyway this morning. Just quite bitter over a LOT of things and revisiting the past few days, catching up with this Journal hasn’t helped make things any brighter. You know? The World is a lovely place to visit… but the people in it are like vermin-parasties and just plain fucking nasty! And me? I don’t know why, but the nastiest of them all seem to be dumped right at my FACE! on a rather regular and consistent basis. Just plain FUCK-ALL! – And now… on with our regularly scheduled day. – (I want… and this is actually true… to vomit!) – 20.23 In bed. Watching “Tout le Monde en Parle” and the rest of them are in the “media room” watching the TV there. It’s been a VERY EXTREMELY quiet day with faggot and her Ladyship in the parlour, Monsieur de la Maison sleeping most of the day. Me? I stayed in the Cooler, going through up-dates and such on-line and here on the Journal. I was called for dinner at about 17.30. I attended, as I do, simply because it seems like the thing to do. Ziti Alfredo with chicken. It was really quite delicious and there was just about one good portion left-over. I didn’t have it. But I did manage to get in a comment; when the usual “Would you like more?” came up, I offered my “stock reply”… “I’m good, thank you.” I was starving, but I refuse to eat “their” food and “owe” them more money. Assez! C’est plus q’assez! Après le dinner, j’ai lavé le vaiselles. Pourquoi? I really can’t say right now. The dish-washer was full, the dishes were still warm and wet from just having finished the cycle. Madame repeated “They’re clean.” a few times but I simply washed what was in the sink. Madame fed the animals and pushed right in front of me to drop the spoon used into the basin. There’s something coming… another confrontation. I see it. I feel it. It’s all over the air in the house. I don’t give a shit. I just don’t give a shit anymore. I’m half tempted to tempt Fate at this point, should I be confronted. I have only TWO more short days at Alburgh and my “training” is done. Then, it’s off to the local office. But at this rate, it’s becoming impossible. I’d really love to be able to take the next pay-cheques and give them to somebody who’ll rent a place and bugger the fuck off! But, right now… it’s too BITTER cold to fuck around… and I believe Madame knows that. Still, I’ve been here for more than 30 days and it will take a court order at this point. Yes, it would make the situation absolutely miserable, should it come to that. But, with this job at the PO? And a call to the Border Patrol… Federal with Federal at this juncture. I don’t want it to come to that. But if I must… – Other-wise, I rinsed the electric kettle today and so, it’s ready to use. I might give it a try tomorrow morning. I’m planning on being awake at the “work” hour… 4.30. Before Bob. But to be awake when he leaves. I’m wondering what’s to come on Tuesday and Wednesday. Tuesday, I have to be at the office at 7.45 but only until 11.30. Wednesday is 7.45 until about 10.00 or so. I wonder if I’ll get the car. (I’m not planning on it, since I figure Madame has made a to-do over it. In spite of the fact that I’ve always put gas into the thing.) Well, those days will take care of themselves when they arrive. – Meanwhile, I’m going to watch “Tout le Monde en Parle” for a while and then… lights out. Hopefully I’ll be able to get sleep tonight. – I need to make a wash but I wonder if and when I’ll be able to do that. Tomorrow I have to get to the 05457 PO to get my mail, find out if and when I’m expected there to work. Last I heard I’m on Thursday morning. But with that flake over there, there’s never being certain of anything. I believe I’m expected to work this Saturday coming. But again… I have no idea. I need to get these things settled! Anyway, that’s that. – So much for this day. So much for this month. So much for this life. – Oh… I noticed that there have been some hits to this Journal. I leave it open because I refuse to close it to everybody. I wonder “who” is hitting it. There are people who want to keep informed, there are others who need to leave well-enough alone. But the curiosity is “grinnable”… a word that probably doesn’t exist but the only way I can describe it. Generally speaking… I don’t give a shit. I have much to attend in my own life… my own life that I’ve managed to give to “others” for too long. All I can say at this juncture is that I’m waiting, patiently (bull-shit) for the “February Thaw”. Hopefully there will be several days of warmth. If that’s to be, that’s to be the departure from all of this shit, this vomit, this purulent infection of… “life”. I want O.U.T. of it… ALL!
Mon.27Jan: 5.32 I slept through the 4.18 alarm and that causes me concern. But the fact is: I don’t “MUST” to be awake at this hour. The PO doesn’t open until 8.00 and Jen probably isn’t there until 7.45 or so. So I could actually stay my arse in the bed… asleep. But I’d rather not. – Just noticed that faggot seems to be up and about. I believe it as something round about 22.00 when “they” all retired for the night. How spechul for “them”, the little scouteroos. (PUKE!) – And so, cold coffee and a piss-in-a-bottle and the day has begun. A bit on the windy side out there this morning and there’s a forecast for possible snow. Me? I don’t much matter or care or give a shit about today… tomorrow and Wednesday and my traveling days are over… I hope… for a while. BUT… and HOWEVER… I DO expect to be told that I’ll be biking Tuesday and Wednesday. I’m SURE and CERTAIN that M’lady and her fag have had at the topic of my driving about. Oh well then… should that become the case, the receipts for gas will come out and the gas money will stop going into the tank. – Meanwhile… I’m going to see what I can do to enjoy this day. There are several things I should do, like make a wash. But… we shall see what we shall see. After all… FUCK YOU ALL! and have a splendid day. I owe you SHIT.. and I’ll be certain to pay in full. – 6.32 Just up from morning smoke. The problemme with being awake at this hour is that I’m cold, and there’s no way to get warmth in this room and I’m hungry and there’s no food to be eaten. – OH SHIT! I just came to the conclusion that I am currently “living”… LA CAGE AUX FOLLES!!! Complete with Renato, Albin and Jacob! (I SO want to puke!) – 12.07 Dropped in at the PO and Jen is still very non-helpful, non-supportive. But she’s also staying on until the 14th Feb. For me that’s OK because I need somebody who knows the office. But I don’t expect to get much in the way of support or help or training for that matter. She’s obstinate. Kathy got me into the WVNY office quickly, set me up with everything I needed and I was ready to run on the first day at the window. Jen, on the other hand, isn’t giving any information or help at all. This is the shit! The whole situation here is shit. To that I add… – It suddenly occurred to me just moments ago: My FS and VHAP mail has been “RTS”!!! THAT MEANS THAT SOMEBODY NOTIFED THE POST OFFICE THAT MY MAIL SHOULD NOT BE DELIVERED HERE! SOMEBODY NOTFIED THE POST OFFICE THAT I AM NOT RESIDING HERE. AND I THINK OF HOW FAGGOT TOLD ME THAT “ALBIN” WAS SO VEHEMENT ABOUT MAIL NOT COMING TO THE HOUSE BECAUSE OF THE UN-REPORTED RENTAL INCOME THAT WOULD CHANGE THE “I’M UNDER FEDERALLY MANDATED MEDICAID” SHIT. WELL! AS KENDALL USED TO SAY… “THE PLOT THICKENS”. Were I the type to do so (and I could easily be persuaded into that general direction these days), I could certainly report to the Welfare that I’m paying all sorts of rent to this place. But one thing that I WILL do is make certain that NO payments are made in cash. Paper, paper, paper… even if it means WALKING all the way into the CU to get the cash to get the M.O. – People believe that, because I’m quiet, I’m also stupid. Well… let’s see how this works out.. in the end. And may that end be comfortable for me… and soon. – Meanwhile, it’s so cold in this fucking room that I have just about everything I would wear out-side on as I sit here. Only one packette of PopTarts left to eat and I’m so hungry! I’m about to have a tap-hot coffee with creamer… and sugar. – OH! I got the payment for the Essex travel! A bloody cheque arrived so I’m hoping to get the car tomorrow, to put it into the banque. It’ll go into the gas tank, of course. But still… there’s nothing I can do with it here, now. Too bad. Still, I will NOT go next door to buy food or anything else for that matter. Again, I hope I get the car tomorrow. I have some errands and the temperatures, though almost “comfortable” today (in spite of the white-outs and snows and winds) is supposed to drop tonight again. That “Polar Vortex” bull-shit. – If I should die before I wake, I’ll be so thrilled for goodness’ sake. – 15.52 SO WORTH NOTING!!! A car pulls up in front of the house. It parks there. A young guy gets out of the car. THE DOGS BEGIN TO BARK!!! Faggot says, as faggots do “Gurls! Stop it!” in “that certain” voice (MARIE! PUHLEEZ!) and THEN goes into COMPLAINING that people parked “right out-side the house!”. IMAGINE! THE NERVE OF PEOPLE TO PARK ON THE STATE ROAD RIGHT OUT-SIDE THE HOUSE! WELL! I NEVER! (Oh please… just fukdatshit!) – 16.09 Over-heard, returning from a smoke, her Ladyship on the phone, shit-chatting with “Hubby”:
“Randy said he went over to the post office and came back.”
(faggot mumbles…)
“He got a box.”
HONESLTY? SERIOUSLY? REALLY? I’m a topic of conversation? I walked in the door, faggot was at the sink. Didn’t say a word to me. But HAD to run go report. And how the fuck does it know that I went to the post office? How the FUCK does it know that I went to the post office to get the box? Yes, I did get boxes… for my filing. But SHIT, FUCK, and a GOD DAMN or several! (I wonder who took a shit in the bowl this morning and didn’t bother to flush… or to close the lid. It wasn’t all that long ago, her Ladyship bitched that the cat might climb into the toilet and drown. But FUCK ME TWICE… I make certain the damned toilet is flushed clean and the lid is closed. But that’s ME… I’m the DUMFUKKER-OUT.) I TRULY, MADLY, SINCERELY, QUICKLY MUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLACE! My insides are shaking from the aggravation. These old biddy-fags have nothing better to do with their time than watch ME? OH SERIOUSLY! FUKDATSHIT! – I only passed by the door several times today, only to be completely ignored. Nothing like being told, silently, that your presence is SO resented. And to think, I was just going through trying to figure out how to get money (back rent) to “them” so that they’d have it for their little excursion at month’s end. WOW! Am I ever still the idiot. Well… “Life” takes care of things. It always has. I will fan the spark of hope that it continues to do so. I sit in this room, alone, in silence, all day. I get up in the morning and creep about, trying to not disturb anybody… considering they sleep until almost noon, and her Ladyship sleeps up until just before the “lunch call” from “Hubby”… at 12.30. I don’t use the phone to make calls so as not to disturb any-one. I have business that I need to attend, for the Post Office, but today I thought I’d wait until tomorrow when I get out of work…. so as not to disturb any one. This, in spite of the fact that faggot will chitty-chat on the phone all into the night, and will have the mobile tone set high enough to be heard through closed doors when text messages are received. But I’m the jack-ass here. Truly? I am the jack-ass here. – 18.22 And… I was invited to dinner… “scalloped potatoes” (sliced potatoes in onion water) and a burger so dried out that it was an effort to chew it… even to cut it. But, I ate… one burger, 4 tablespoons of the potatoes. And at the table came the subject of work. I told what I learned today about the new PM being unable to lift or case mail. I’LL BE GETTING HOURS AND HOURS OF WORK! TIME AWAY FROM THE HOUSE! OH YEAH! But of course, I can’t simply enjoy that news. The matter of getting to Alburgh for my last 2 days came up.
“I’ll take you in and you can try to get a ride back.”
I simply said “It’ll be easier just to take the bike in and back.”
“You can’t do all that time on the bike. There’s still all kinds of warnings about the cold.” Bob speaking. Lyle just shooting daggers across the table at me. You know, it wouldn’t be so bad if he did anything at all all day. But I sat there, quietly, calmly, letting the conversation go where it would.
“Well,” I said, “it’s only the last 2 days and then on Thursday I finally get to Franklin and it’s all over. No more Alburgh, no more Essex, no more Portland. Done. At last.”
Bob: “We could do like we did, you could drive me in to work and I can get a ride to St. Albans.” (There’s no acknowledgement that the gas tank has more gas in it when he gets the car back than when he drives away from work. How convenient not to notice… or to mention.)
“Why should you get a lift to St. Albans?”
“So you guys don’t have so far to drive to get me.” I said
“Well, if they (faggot and her Ladyship) go, they can get to go shopping.” But I got as far as “they can get to…” and her Ladyship pipes right in with “Randy and I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday!”
And Bob immediately pointed out “He’ll be in Franklin on Thursday.”
Seriously. There is some shit boiling-over out of the cauldron round here and I’m quite frankly so fed-up with it that after I washed the casserole and the baking and broiling pans, I went for my smoke and literally trembled. If I manage to make it much further in this boiling shit-cauldron, it’ll be a major miracle if I don’t have a psychotic break! But I keep it all in, in silence… save for what I document here. So, as it stands as I type this, I will be out of the house by 5.00 tomorrow morning. Wind-chills of minus 29°F and off across the open plains. Here we go. The last 2 days of all the crap and NOW it all comes crumbling down. Doesn’t it just figure? I mean… it does. – This evening, “30 Vies” at 19.00 and then to bed. At some point though, I need to shower, even briefly. Tomorrow I’ll keep my sleep-sweats on as well as the under-sweats. Those need a wash but I don’t dare! Yes, the last 2 days… the last 2 days. These are the times when I tend to wonder… until it makes me physically ill and I divert my thoughts to anything else. – Meanwhile, a note. Last night I noticed that Silas actually went so far as to “block” me on FB. Well? As I thought today: I’m truly in a town where I don’t want to be, in a house where I busted my starved body to the points of pain and where I’m neither welcome nor wanted. The connections I’d made along the way since I got here are all but gone (save for Richford). There’s nothing and nobody. Leave? Yes. But not to go “back” to any-where other than to HOME. HOW I WISH TO GOD AND ALL THAT THE WEATHER WOULD SUDDENLY CHANGE FOR THE WARMER… NOW! Every day I carry my 2 BDMs and such… the keys to the door to HOME. All I need now is a nice day or 2… that’s all… just an end to all this bitter cold so that I won’t arouse any suspicion when I stroll delightfully… HOME… at last… for the last journey… the final voyage. No more sojourning… the next trip is to remain. How my entire Being painfully yearns for that. And when I put it into these words, I mean each and every one: My Entire Being Painfully Yearns To Go HOME. – 20.03 Imagine this: I received an e-mail from Mia this evening and almost cried. Her words were so inspiring and so up-lifting. I replied immediately and missed “30 Vies”. But for her, and for the words, it was certainly SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT! She’s a marvel. At a time when all seems to be running right down the shitter… some-one comes into my other-wise worthless existence to give my old heart the kick it so badly needs. Yes, tonight I am again, Grateful! – Having sent the e-mail, I got my towel and soap together to go take a shower. I need to take one tonight because I need one and I can’t very well shower and head out into the cold tomorrow morning right away… BUT… after spending the entire day doing ABSOLUTE FUCK-ALL… THE FAGGOT IS IN THE SHOWER… NOW! And when IT takes the shower… IT is in there for a relative ETERNITY! I wanted to be IN BED by NOW. I’M THE ONE WHO HAS TO BE UP AT 4.00 AND NOW I HAVE TO CUT INTO MY REST TIME, IN PREPARATION FOR A 2-HOUR BIKE RIDE IN THE COLD AND DARK, ON ICE-COVERED ROADS BUT THAT PIECE OF USELESS SHIT CUTS INTO MY TIME AND PROHIBITS ME FROM CLEANSING MY PERSON. I HAVE TO BE AT WORK, DEALING WITH THE PUBLIC, WORKING IN CLOSE PROXIMITY WITH PEOPLE WHO WILL BE ASSESSING MY WORTHINESS OF THIS NEW JOB AND THAT… THAT THING… THAT USELESS PIECE OF ABORTION TAKES MY TIME! And again, I sit in silence, as if all the World is perfectly fine. I need a shave, a beard trim, a hair-cut. I need to cut my nails, get my-self socially presentable for a JOB but NO-O-O-O!!! FAGGOTS FIRST! I SO want to VOMIT! This shit is pushing me right to the point where I’m balancing on my toes at the precipice, and there’s a strong back-wind slapping at me. I WANT TO BE DEAD BEFORE THE 4.00 ALARM! My dead carcass laying in the bed… rotting. – 22.12 Bob came by about 21.15 to say that we’re leaving at 5.15 tomorrow morning. He added “You’ve come this far and you’re NOT going to lose this job now!” I ask if he was sure and he repeated that there are only 2 days more to this traveling and that “We’re not going to see you get this far and lose this job.” Am I thankful? Yes. Do I still suspect that there is an intense animosity? OH YEAH! But, given the choice between biking 2 hours in minus 29°F-PLUS cold and having the car… besides, I want to get to the CU tomorrow to get that cheque into the account and to the market to get coffee (and PopTarts… now that I have the FS to purchase them again). So? So… – But to end this entry appropriately, I have to say that it’s misery being in a place where it’s being made so blatantly obvious: My presence… just my mere presence is so deeply HATED AND RESENTED.
Tue.28.Jan: 5.11 I’ve been up from since about 4.00. I hit the “snooze” a couple of times though. I’ve had my cold tap coffee, peed in the bottle and had my morning smoke. My bowels are churning. The day is “normal”. When I returned from the smoke, Dixie was laying on the bed, right at the top of the sheets. How lovely. I love here dearly, but the odour of “dog” is now on the sheets. The day has begun. And it is bitter cold again this morning… In a house where I am so terribly hated. – And the morning thoughts, even before I put on the lights run through the fact that I eat only when invited to do so, the room isn’t taking heat from the rest of the house, I’ve done laundry only several (and few) times since I got here, I’ve showered only after having done work round the house and perhaps, on average, twice weekly. I use small light bulbs when I use lights at all. AND… I go back to the fact that when I use the car, I return it with as much or even more gas than was in the tank when I received the car. When I’m in the house, I’m in this room, this bitterly COLD room, quietly. I haven’t even listened to the radio.. the little radio that I managed to salvage from storage. My presence here costs them NOTHING! Not even space on the furniture! And yet… such HATRED. I’ve been working toward a JOB! I travelled over 600 miles to Maine, was away for a week at no real cost to them, save the day I returned, and even then, I got the car and brought it directly to the house… having put gas into it with money I didn’t have. The cheques I should be receiving SHOULD be put toward getting my own car, but I’m already planning on turning them over to the house. Seriously? What the fuck MORE do they want? Blood? Oh… that’ll come. It most certainly will. Meanwhile… it’s Hell, pure and simple. Nobody bothers to talk TO or WITH me about what I’m going through. But they can certainly talk ABOUT me. What a total bunch of complete FUKTARDS. I’m going to work in a place where I’ll be resented (which is the normal course in this line of business and can’t be avoided). – And this is how yet another day begins. – 14.26 AT LAST! To sit quietly… relatively speaking. In Franklin, there is no “quiet” to speak of. I just returned from a stop at the local PO where it’s more than obvious that my presence there, as my presence in the house, is SO despised. I mean, there’s no attempt at covering the bad taste it leaves on everyone’s palette. It;s so comforting to live and work in a place where one’s presence is just SO HATED! Just SO TERRIBLY HATED! – But this morning went rather well, indeed. A pleasure to be in Alburgh, really. We were off and running at 6.15. Bob stopped to fill the tank, popped out of the car at his office and I was en route back to The North Country. Stopped at the market for my coffee. I’m already missing that hot coffee in the morning. It’ll be a very cold day in Hell before I’ll go next door to the Franklin General Store for such a thing. Even if they’d take the FS I will NOT support them on a regular basis. Anyway, Donna wasn’t at the store this morning but it was still a delight to briefly chat with the woman there. And at the PO? Trevor seems a bit distant, but truly SO helpful. Brenda was ever so sweet. But she has been all along. I counted my drawer this morning: 1,71$ OVER! I can’t imagine how the hell I managed to do THAT! But, I’d rather it be over than under… I suppose. Tomorrow I “close” the drawer… It’ll be interesting to see how that ends. – The day was short and quick suddenly. At 11.30 we were all out and I was off to the rest of the day… – Quick run and stop at Hannaford’s in Swanton. 2 coffee, several PopTarts, a chocolate mix (for the tap water, I suppose) and a box of oatmeal packets. FS! Then down to the CU to put money in and keep money for smokes and such. Walmart for an extension cord (for the tea-kettle which I will try later when I have the house to my-self… I hope!), glue to repair my flip-flops, a ring to put on the lampe for the scented oil (and another bottle of that) AND… a really nasty pair of “slippers” (only 7$) for wearing in the room and down the hall. (It’s really a bloody shame that I have to “hide” everything in the back-pack… groceries and purchases… I had to STUFF it all in there and as it was, the slippers had to be put into a side pocket. Still, no matter, it’s a bloody-fucking shame that I can’t simply purchase and go.) A stop at the Mobil in St. Albans to top the tank back to FULL… 13,50$! AND I FORGOT TO GET A RECEIPT! Still, I entered it on the spread-sheet where I’m keep track of what I put into the car. Fuck the old Queen when she gets on her binge. – The drive back to the house was a mess, as usual. For some reason I always end up back on the 78 in Highgate Centre! AND… I had to follow behind the idiots who won’t do more than the max on the roads! I didn’t get back to the house until about 13.15! Almost TWO bloody hours after leaving the PO! But the reception was “usual”… “Oh hi.: and such. BFD. Really. – Came to the room, un-packed the back-pack, entered today’s gas purchase, addressed the envelope to DCF and walked over to drop it at the local PO where Jen was Hoovering. She’s SO curt with me! Fuck-tard. – But the temperature is UP TO 15°F! Clear skies. Who would have ever thought that 15° could feel so warm! But it actually does. If I had the foot-wear, I’d be out and walking. But for now, I want to take a brief nap. There are things I should do, but right not, I want a nap. – 20.55 I got my nap… and the “Ladies” left to fetch Bob at about 15.30. I woke, Hoovered the room (AT LAST!) and tried the new kettle. It works quite well, takes a bit of time and makes noise when the water boils… it also does NOT turn itself off… I had to do that. None-the-less, I can now make HOT COFFEE! – Next on the agenda, a try for the 10z. Well, it didn’t quite pan out, so matters had to be done manually. Not impressive, considering the week’s time that passed since the last and the fact that Bob’s boots were involved. But it’s made quite a difference in the general “attitude” and such. So, perhaps another day, another time. Thursday looks rather promising. We’ll have another go then. – I also carried the 4 bags of pellets in from the back porch. Why? I can’t say. I just did. And then, on to the Internet and catch-up with social media. Nothing to report. – “They” returned at about 17.00, faggot put 2 Hannaford’s pizzas in the oven and I was downstairs when they were ready. I had 2 slices and I washed the pizza pans, put the flat-ware in the machine… and returned to the room to watch “30 VIES”! AND “LA FACTURE” this evening! HEY! HEY! HEY! – There’s a generally “good” mood about the house tonight. But I won’t get used to it. Besides, at the moment the walls are alive with the boom-boom-ditty-ditty-ditty-boom-boom-boomBOOM! from the ‘media room”. Of course, we have to wait until it’s time for sleep to put this shit on the TV. How SO like the Shelter! Just SO like the Shelter. (And my brain goes back to those days before I get to sleep… or the sleep I hope to get.) – OH! OH! I found the old Tony Guad. boots! I’ve fixed the flip-flops with the glue I got today and tomorrow, I shall get MORE glue and TRY to repair these boots! I HOPE IT WORKS! I NEED THOSE BOOTS NOW! AND… THIS EVENING I CLEANED THE SNEAKERS? BLEACH AND THE KIWI WHITENER… in spite of the hole in the toe of the left sneaker and maybe a bit of a need for sealing round the sole… WOW! ARE THEY WHITE AGAIN! I never expected them to come as white as they are! So, a bit of glue to the toe on the left one and I’ve got my sneakers back! WHAT A DAY! EH? – Now, with the boom-boom-etc, from the room next door and the “tinkle-tinkle-tinkle-tink” from Ms. Faggot’s damned phone across the hall, I wrap this day up and down and out. – I keep thinking: Who would have ever imagined that temperatures of 15°F would be cause for REMOVING a few layers of clothing but it was absolutely delightful today! And by Saturday? 30°F! Hot! Hot! Hot! – (PS: I finally got to cut my toe nails today too. The left great toe is still rather nasty, though growing in slowly. And I cut a bit too deep on the right great toe so that’s a bit painful tonight. But the nails are trimmed! Now for the hair-cut and beard-trim and I’ll be all spiffed… sooner or later.) – OH! NOTHING WAS SAID ABOUT THE FULL TANK OF GAS…
Wed.29.Jan: 12.58MADE IT! DONE! DONE! DONE! (And tomorrow begins THE SHIT!) I’m relived that I won’t have to use “their” car any more for getting to distant places. I won’t have to think about putting money into “their” car… money that isn’t noticed and certainly isn’t appreciated. I won’t HAVE to wake at 4.00 to prep for work. And yes, this is a relief. BUT… I’m NOT looking forward to going to the Franklin office tomorrow. I’m NOT looking forward t having to “prove” myself to these in-bred misfit morons. I’m NOT looking forward to the animosity that Jen confronts me with. And so, even today as I headed back to this house… “their” house… I resolved to being THE NEW YORKER that and WHO I AM! FUCK THEM ALL WITH THEIR OWN SHAFTS OF ASSORTED SPIKED MATERIALS! – (This room is freezing! And so too, my fingers.) – 18.43 Took a “nap” from about 14.00-15.30! Yes, the travelling is done and I suppose my body is just about to collapse (oh, don’t I wish). – When I woke and the “Ladies” left to fetch Bob, I got the 10z and today… OK! PAY-DIRT and I’m all the better for it, indeed. – However… I’ve been looking for my 2 rolls of solder. I want to use some on the Canadian penny I have (from the Alburgh PO) but I can’t find them! Instead, I found the MetroPCS phone and my last pay advice from Cragsmoor! HAY! MY EIN IS THE SAME! I WAS STILL ON THE RECORDS WITH USPS! IMAGINE THAT! – BUT… looking at the photos on the phone… the shots of Rockaway taken on 25 June of 2013 when I returned to VT… and photos from vanZini’s and such… well… tonight I’m a bit melancholy. There are some shots form 19 Church as well… Melancholy tonight. – It’s been tough since my return. I don’t know that it’s going to get any better, but I can hope to go HOME soon and that’s what I’m looking forward to. – 22.23 Before I simply nod off (and I can’t imagine why I’m still awake even now), let’s jot. Dinner: one chicken pattie (in spite of the fact that the 2nd one that was heated for me is still on the pan, on the stove, in the kitchen, waiting for one of the cats to get up there OR for her Ladyship to get to it… which is more likely the case), a spoon of the left-over potatoes from last night and a spoon of corn. When faggot noticed the portions it commented “Are you on a diet too now? Watching your portions by the spoon?” They just don’t seem to get the point. But, I’m not going to occupy my mind with such drivel. There are more important things to ponder than… “them”. Meanwhile, I’m noshing away on PopTarts so I’m getting the fat and calories. The bad thing is that all the sugar in my system is making for foul breath and probably body odour. It oft’times smells of “rotting”. But who the fuck cares, really? If I AM rotting, so be it and happy days! – Before I forget to mention… on the ride to Bob’s work this morning, we talked about health-care and such and how, no matter how caring and giving we can be, there’s always somebody out there to fuck us over. His experiences have been similar to mine in that field. As we talked, I was hoping he’d realise that he and I are rather similar in the “caring” sense and that, just as his feelings have been hurt, so too have mine. I doubt the connection with the house will be made. But, it’s out there. – After work this morning I made a quick stop at the Swanton Hannaford’s for more provisions. Coffee, of course, PopTarts, cf course, oatmeal and coffee creamer. Then, a stop at the Walmart for more of the glue I’d gotten yesterday. This time for the Tony G. boots. I applied some already and I’m hoping it works. Seems to be doing a MUCH better job than that “ShooGoo” shit. I NEED those boots now! – Then a stop at the CU for cash with which I paid next month’s phone service and put 18$ into the gas tank to fill it and top it. (Have I already mentioned this? If so… oh well. If not… oh well to that too!) Shit! AND… since I’m going to need it now, the phone is paid through to March AND although NOTHING has EVER been mentioned about all the gas that suddenly appears in the car, at least I know that I’ve over-paid the “due” by 41,93$. Fuck them all anyway. – Grabbed a few shots of the road on the way back to the house t post on the Milestone blog. That’s stopped at 70$ and I wold rather hope that somebody will see the pictures of the roads and maybe put in some more. It would be nice if I could get enough together to put something toward back rent or… A CAR! Certainly, I’m not expecting any “help, aid or assistance” with anything. If I got any of THAT it just wouldn’t be “my life”. But… – And, when I arrived, round about 11.58, the “Ladies” were awake doing what they do best: lounging in front of the TV. I think the garbage was picked-up today, I didn’t bother to check as I strolled past the cans. I come and go via the back door so I pass by them but, it’s all a part of the whole… THEY sit about doing fuck-all all fucking day, so let THEM get up off their arses and roll the trash cans in. Fuck. – So I had a bit cf a schmooze with her Ladyship this afternoon. I brought the car key down to return it and we got into some sort of chat session. I mentioned, purposely, the fact that the “travel” part of this venture of EMPLOYMENT is done and we got into the politics of it all and how I’m un-easy because I’m getting no preparations or input. We got into the “personalities” of this town and how it’s going to be difficult to deal with these people. Honestly? I do wonder about her Ladyship’s level of maturity. It’s like dealing with a recalcitrant child most of the time. Defiant about just about everything. But in the chat it was mentioned that the “town’s folk” aren’t familiar with me, that Jen has established her presence here, being involved with things and me? I keep “pretty low-key”. These fuckers in this town have seen me… tending to the property, the idiots at the general store know of all the work I did in the back and in the barn. But… what the fuck,who cares? Anyway, that pretty much sums up the conversation there and I returned to the walk-in cooler that is this room for the remainder of the evening for the most part. – The ladies left to fetch Bob (as I’ve mentioned), and I had about an hour to my-self. Tapped-on a video that I’d down-loaded a while back (in Richford, I believe) and broke out the 10z. – Well then… This evening I got to watch “30 Vies”! I’m quite happy about that. Thank goodness for Radio Canada Tele and the Internet! Each time I watch this I wonder why I didn’t think of it in NY. But back then, I didn’t have the lap-top and well, didn’t know about the show. But these days, this is my respite from the general shit about town. – I helped her Ladyship with some down-loading of music. Music is the thing we do have in common. I don’t know that it makes anything any better or if it makes any difference at all. Seems to me that when I do something about the place, it’s just a matter of fact. (I keep hearing them thank the faggot for everything… and I can’t help but think of Lyle sitting there all blubbering about the moment when the faggot used the “I’m leaving” bull-shit line. How tragic. Its little piece of shit yip and yowls and as soon as somebody says something about correcting the situation, faggot goes into ‘somebody’s coming to take the piece of shit’ and ‘I’m leaving’ and Lyle gets all boo-hoo, folds under the story and all returns to the bull-shit. * Here, I must mention: I actually can’t draw or paint anything because of the yip-yowl shit. I mean to say that if I’m working on anything that requires any detail and that shit suddenly, and for no reason at all lets out with a YIP and my hand moves? That’s MONEY! Wasted paint, paper, time, effort. SO I’m denied “Peaceful Enjoyment” of the premises. If this were a lease situation, I’d have legal grounds for leaving. Hey! I just might anyway. I owe for the time I’ve been here, no doubt about that. But as for leaving? There’ll be no “notice” or “threats”… just gone, gone, gone. May that day come soon, soon, soon. * And so, I put the TonyG. boots together yet again. This new glue seems to be much better than the ShooGoo and I’m hopeful. Time will tell. The boots are becoming more glue than much else, but if it works, then fine. – Tomorrow morning I should be able to sleep a bit later because I start at the local PO at 7.30. And I won’t discuss the trepidations about that matter any further. – For now? it’s already 22.38 and I’m tired… time to try for some sleep. I’m also hungry. But that’s to be expected and it’s all become quite the “norm” here… COLD and HUNGRY. This “life” is just one rather extremely large pile of shit. In warmer weather there’s the scent of “Souper Poop”… in the colder weather, it’s being suffocated UNDER the “Souper Poop”. I suppose, all said and done… tis is one shitty situation.
The photos from today’s return trip from Alburgh… also posted to the Milestone… The running shoes aren’t on the Milestone… but I HAVE to include them here!
And check out the running shoes! WHITE AGAIN! (I’m rather amazed.)
Thu.30.Jan:6.06 Awake. Not happy. Interrupted sleep. Was awake at 3.00 this morning with some kind of “haunting” or another. Night-mare? What-ever. And, of course, this is Franklin and that pretty much covers it. – One might think that I’d be quite happy this morning, since I’m actually going to start at the job I wanted… here in town, local PO and all that shit. But no, not so much really. Not looking forward to this morning at all. Just not. So it would seem that’s trying to sour everything else about this day. So I must battle with that and not permit it. – Meanwhile, just waiting for the car to start out front so I can toddle down for a morning smoke. (No hot coffee in Alburgh this morning… how sad… how terribly terribly sad.) – 6..47 and the morning is passing quickly. I’m going to try for a quick shower at 7.00. The clothes need a washing. The “ladies” have a doctor appointment this evening. I half expected Bob to ask me to take him to work this morning but I’m supposing they’ll just toddle along after he comes back from work. I’ll hope that I can get the clothes in for a wash at some point today. I don’t know that I’ll be working tomorrow. But tomorrow it pay-day and that means nothing at all since I’ll be handing the entirety of my income over to… the house. I owe 2300$ at this point, just in back rent. It’s not that I’ve benefited any from being here, other than the fact that I’ve not been in a Shelter or out in an igloo some-where. Although, the thought of my dead arse being frozen-preserved in the woods of HOME is much more pleasant, I do feel a sense of debt to… well… to the house. Not so much the “owner” who has done precious little in the line of “warm hospitality”. No, I will never forget the out-burst and I can’t ignore the cold of the room and the personalities about the place. My sense of debt is purely “Ethics”… and I really must get busy getting rid of those. – SO! There’s a 4-hour shift approaching and I must toddle along in preparation for that. – TREPIDATION. The “Mot du Jour”. – And the “tinkle-tinkle-tinkle-tink” of the faggot commences… for all the town to hear… at this hour of the morning… BUT THE DAY-LIGHT IS BREAKING ALREADY! – – 12.29 Back from a morning AT work and the review from “my PM”… Apparently, I did ever so well in Alburgh because I got a great report! And, at least in front of me, Jen is quite pleased as well! HOWEVER… that shit about referring the woman to Canada Post and the chat with the other woman about the previous Mayors of NYC are now… IN WRITING! SO! I’m taking the matter to the Union and, if need be, to HR. I will NOT have this shit on my Employment Records! What a fucking shame that I can’t just bask in SOME JOY with-out having more shit in it. But I’ll handle this in due course. – 13.37 Just rang Megan (Training) and had a wonderful chat with her. Also got contact info for the Union. I reviewed the documentation that Cindy gave me on the review and I just can’t let if go. It’s inappropriate when taken into a profession context. So I return to the office with a bit amo. I’m not “content” but I’m happier. – I managed to down 4 PopTarts and 2 coffees for “lunch” and I’m on the way back. Looking forward to it, all told and considered. – I got my “advice” for pay-roll… Pay this week is just over 500$ which is what I was hoping for. 500 toward the back rent! YAY! Of course, there are other things that I TRULY NEED from this income. But it will have to wait. Ethics strike again… that, and keeping relative “peace” in this bloody whore-house. Oh well… Off I go to the PO! – 19.17 I got back to the house a bit after 16.30 and the house was empty. So I changed into jeans and Hoovered. Then, tried to understand today’s pay. I’m still working on that spread-sheet! Meanwhile, faggot’s little piece of shit has yipped twice, but the most recent fit, moments ago, received a chase and a slap! When I got up from the “desk” to simply yell my usual “NO!” (which obviously doesn’t have any effect), my foot caught the power cord to the lap-top and it went to the FLOOR! IF THIS THING IS BROKEN THERE WILL BE EVEN MORE HELL TO PAY THAN THERE ALREADY IS BECAUSE OF THAT FAG! Yes, I’m fed right the fuck up! PopTarts and Ramen noodles for dinner, coupled with the fact that it’s bad-ass COLD in this room AND the fact that I’m looking at giving TWO WEEKS’ of pay to this house where I freeze my arse off most of the time and am ignored or patronised at best? THEN came the realisation… I PUT MY ENTIRE MILEAGE CHEQUE FOR ESSEX INTO THE FUCKING BLOODY GAS TANK OF THEIR CAR AND NOT ONCE DID ANYBODY APPRECIATE IT. MEANWHILE, THEY’RE OUT, GALAVANTING AND PROBABLY EATING ALL TOO WELL and I’m sitting here in the COLD! Oh yeah… burn-out. I need clothes. I need a vehicle. I need a hot meal that I can enjoy. AND… I NEED A PLACE I CAN THINK OF AS “home”! And what do I HAVE? SHIT! Let’s add to that the fact that I can’t get to watch “30 Vies” tonight because it’s “non disponible”! And… I’m rather tired and looking forward to getting into bed soon. I also need to wash my clothes and the bed linens… fat fucking chance of that! I can’t find the solder I want. I’m not happy about much of anything at all of late… not at all… pantoute! – A note about this afternoon at work: A woman came in to get her parcels and Jen explained that she should have her POB on the deliveries because I’m “new” and the PM coming in will be as well and neither knows who she is and where she lives. The woman said “He should. We live right next door to each-other.” in a good moon. After she left I asked Jen who she is… the Border Bitch! Now I’m looking forward to getting back HOME for a visit and crossing the border again. I’ll be wondering which crossing she’ll be assigned now. How funny… how the World shrinks and how I make one little space for me in this town. – And closing this evening was almost tearful… I REMEMBER SO MUCH OF THE PROTOCOL AND… AND… AND… THE AUTOMATION ON-LINE THAT THEY’RE ALL DOING NOW IS ALMOST THE EXACT SAME PROCEDURES THAT I CREATED BACK IN CRAGSMOOR! IMAGINE? I WONDER IF MY SPREAD SHEETS AND SUCH DIDN’T LEAK OUT OF CRAGSMOOR SOME-HOW AND GOT APPROVED BY THE PO! At any rate… I’m rather amazed at how much I can recall! Well, after all, it IS a job that I actually loved. Still… the human brain… what a wonder. – 20.51 The “crew”returned at about 20.00. I’ve been working on the spread-sheet for pay-roll all evening and when he came to the door to say “Honey! I’m home!” I almost shat my trousers! My nerves are completely shot to fuck-all. But we chatted and I told him of the day’s events. At least there’s ONE somebody in this house with whom I can actually talk. I’m not sure why… sometimes I do wonder why Bob and I get along so well. But it’s that way and I’ll just let it go. Odd though, Lyle tends to have this bit of a barrier between he and I, and yet, if there’s any “threat” to the stability of his relationship with Bob… it’s the faggot with whom he spends most of his time. – Oh… I must note: When I came in for lunch this afternoon, Lyle said that he hadn’t even realised that I’d gone! Just goes to show how much attention is paid round here and how quiet and un-intrusive I truly am! (And I can’t help but think of City Terrace North where my very presence in that house was SO hated! But that matter has been dealt with and I had no part of the after-math. I wasn’t even in the same State! Life… it takes care of things.) – And now, I’m under the warm blankets and ready to try for a night’s sleep. I’ll post this, check the social media and put out the light. I want to keep my early routine now that I seem to be back in my “NYC hours”… awake at 4.30 or so. – One more note: Bob asked me if I’d eaten anything. I told him I had a Ramen noodles that I “found in the larder”. He said: “There’s plenty down there.” meaning I should get something from the kitchen. Well, it’s a nice and kind gesture (how is it that only HE thinks of me eating anything… and he’s the one on the diet?) but although the Winter has been quite nastily chilled this year, I shouldn’t think that Hell has frozen over as well. – Now to try and figure out how to get the money owed them from the CU to them. There’s a walk or a bike trip in there some-where. Oh well… I need my rest more than I need to ponder that. At least the money is in the account and there are more hours of work to come. Work… for the PO… good going.- 21.08 “They” went to McD’s tonight, I saw the cups in the garbage. And for some reason,I can smell the food here, as I lay in bed. What I wouldn’t give for a FULL MEAL! But… me and food? Not happening. Never before, not now and never to be. My “fate” on this Earth is to be FOREVER HUNGRY! (My “fate” in this house is to be FOREVER COLD!) – 21.18 FUCKING SHIT! FAGGOT BITCH! YIPPING AT THIS FUCKING HOUR? FUCK ME BUT I SWEAR IT’S INTENTIONAL!!! FUCKING FUCK-ALL BUGGERED FUCKS! BETWEEN THE FUCKING FOOD STENCH AND THE YIPPING… WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK? YEAH… IT MUST BE INTENTIONAL! HOW I FUCKING WISH TO FUCKING GOD I HAD A FUCKING CAR TO FUCKING MOVE THE FUCKING FUCK THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!!! TONIGHT I’LL NOTE THAT I’LL BE TOMORROW NIGHT IS GOING TO BE WORSE… PROBABLY ANOTHER “GET THE FUCK DRUNK” AND I’LL HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE BULL-SHIT OF”OH FUCK! OH FUCK! YEAH! OH FUCK!” AT ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT… CONSIDERING I HAVE TO WORK ON SATURDAY MORNING. I do believe it’s time to start taking matters into my own consideration… this is unadulterated bull-shit… pure and simple.
Fri.31.Jan: 21.06 And… in bed. The “others” are in Plattsburgh, or so that’s where they said they were heading after dinner. 900$ in the account and they’re off to spend it. Meanwhile, I’m here, the night before another work day, with the same anxieties I had when I was in the Shelter: no doubt they’ll come trolling in at some late hour, loud, aggressive, causing the dogs to yip, howl and bark and they’ll enjoy each and every moment of the chaos. And there’ll be no regard for me at all, what-so-ever. I know this to be the expected. No better than the lowest of the lows of the Shelter. I must add: After dinner, her Ladyship washed her hair and dressed. I was asked if I wanted to join them but me? First and foremost, I have no money to spend. The 500$ in this week’s pay is going toward back rent which I owe. I have no banque card to access my money, and the CU would have been closed. Yes, I could have gone with them, probably gotten the money I owe them and paid. But then, I’d be in the same predicament: no cash on hand. I would have had to walk back to the house to come to bed to rest for work in the morning. Of course then, I would have walked the 30 miles or so, gotten in round about now (or later), been completely exhausted only to be rudely awakened in the middle of the night anyway. So? So here I am. – Faggot was asked to join them as it rinsed the dinner dishes. It didn’t want to go. Bob said “But you were going with us tomorrow…” “I wasn’t going tomorrow either.” A conversation ensued. I excused me to go to the loo. I don’t want to witness any more of the bull-shit from that useless piece of botched abortion. After all… there was the threat of leaving not too long ago, and the other 2 “house-owners” can’t see that they’re being SO manipulated. It’s sad… pitiful, really. Ah… but in the time it took me to pee, all 3had their coats on and were out the door. Goodbye. Sick. I really need to get out of this place. Really. – As for the day at work, it went SO wonderfully! Jen is being such a great help and me? I actually recalled some of the 1412! AIC’s were just popping back into my head! The deposit came up short, but that’s because I followed “the local” method of closing and not the Walker Valley method. THAT won’t happen again. The WV method worked… I’ll be back to that from now on. But it was saved and all went through the system fine. There’s more work for me tomorrow, but for tonight, it was OK. And Jen even gave an extra half hour tonight! I’m relieved and glad. I need the time and I need the income. – I walked in the door this evening at just past 17.00 to the others sitting at table, Bob already done eating. A poor and watered-down “Pot Pie” sort of thing. It was actually chicken soup with biscuits cooked on top. I had ONE biscuit and about 8 tablespoons of “soup”. Indeed, I was hungry as Hell, but I still refuse to eat “their” food. So I’ve managed to thrive on the usual… PopTarts and coffee. My “sugar” is probably SO bad right now that I’m about to become diabetic. But why not? Why think about it? Warm weather and … HOME! – This evening I manged to send an e-mail to the Union president with the details of the review and the incidents that were recorded on my file. I can’t wait to see what comes of that. – 12$ per pay period in dues. Steep. But I suppose I’ll go for it. Especially now, since my “grievance” will become “formal” at this juncture. Oh well. It’s not “forever”. – Other-wise… I’m ready for sleep. But I’m worried about being rudely awakened at some ridiculous hour when “they’ return, so I probably won’t sleep well tonight. – I have to figure how to get the money to them. Considering “Bill Pay” directly. Let the CU send them a cheque. I don’t know… I really, at this point, don’t give a shit. – Too bad the week-end is threatening to be icy and snowy and the likes. I could do with a nice bike-ride… away. But the roads are ice and there’s more ice to come in the forecast. – Oh… and the TonyG boots? The sole of the right one came loose at work this morning. I’ve since poured more glue on it and am hoping it’ll hold tomorrow morning. I’d like very much to get those boots back. Not putting too much hope in that though. I need those boots so they’ll crumble and be useless. – I can’t find all the solder. I must have tossed it in the “Grand Clean-out”. Fuck me. I need to figure another way to work with the Canadian pennies. And, I now have a 1$US coin! I bought the one from the drawer. Why? I can’t deposit it, can’t actually give it to anybody here as change and it reminds me a bit of NYC. – So, I’m tired and on that note, I’ll post this… close out the month of January and resentfully open the month of February. May the new month bring MUCH income and get me the fuck out of here!
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