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CONFIANCE * VERTRAUEN * אמון * TRUST
15.May: Fuklin-Bedford-St.Albans-Fuklin
87km – 54mi
29.May: Fuklin-Bedford-Fuklin-Enosburg Falls-Fuklin
82km – 51mi
Thu.1.May: 7.26 Yes, I heard the alarm. No, I did not wake with it. And no, I don’t much care. It’s raining. I’ve errands to run, things to do, and the roads are wet and… well… it’s May. And no, I am NOT happy about that. Another month has passed, another month has begun and I’m no more satisfied with my position in this world now, than I was last month, nor the month before. And again, as usual, as is the common-place for me, I wake, wishing that I hadn’t and thinking of how to get HOME… for the final journey. And I wake, having a smoke, looking out to the yard and barn that I’ve put so much of my time and energy and such into bringing “back” and as I looked I thought: Viv’s back in my life and for this I am at peace again. But I just can’t take the rest of it all and I so much want to simply leave it all. My absence won’t make any difference … no, not true… my absence will bring a better Peace to the rest. A “burden” at the age of 13… a “burden” at the age of 59. And it’s time to go… it’s been time to go. Misunderstood, I tried, always tried to make things even a little better for others. Well, it didn’t quite work out that way. So? So… time to leave. – And first thing in the morning, these are my thoughts. – And again, this morning, this month, “friends”? “family”? TRUST? BULL-SHIT! ALL OF IT/THEM. And what little there is left of what was my existence in this world is in little boxes.. and easily disposed of. One “trash day” and… I’ve never existed. How neat, how tidy… how considerate-to-the-end. – And these are my first thoughts of the new day… of the new month. – Trust… Trust in them and like an insect under foot… CRUSHED!!!!! – 12.25 I’ve wasted the morning. I don’t care. Well, I do care, but I don’t. The sun comes out, it goes away. The roads are dry and the air is warm but this room is cold and I… I just can’t get into the day some-how. I want to do something… but I can’t decide “what”. And I’m hungry… and disappointed that I got nothing accomplished yesterday. So? I’ll just waste the rest of the day… at least until I decide what I want to “do”. – 14.31 On window is OPEN! It’s warmer out there than it is in here… so I’m bringing in the warmth. – Note: L. did NOT go through with the colonoscopy yesterday. Sugar too high. Kidney function too high. And there I sat… all morning… wasted. Gee… thanks… not to me though. Fuck. – 22.20 Well, the seed flats are in on the back porch. I tried to get a milk can from the back-barn and the whole set-up came crashing down so I had to put that back together today. Why? I don’t really know. It’s not as if I plan on spending any “time” back there for much longer. But I worked very hard to get it together back there and I will leave it “together”. And it’s “done”. I told Jester and Lyle that the flats were ready to be seeded. Now to see if they actually do. I doubt they will. But I’m not going to bother about it. I’ve done the “work”. – Came in, had 2 peanut-butter sandwiches for dinner (with a sprinkle of sugar on each) and the last tin of soup. No food left. More FS though. As if they’ll do me any good. (Maybe tomorrow, if all goes well enough, I’ll be able to get a bit more food… to the CU and the market… please.) – When I came in from the barn, they were at table having dinner and I was offered a “chicken pattie”. Of course, I declined and came to the room… and OPENED THE FRONT WINDOW! It’s been comfortably warm enough.. just and the fresh air is a delightful change in the room. May it last now. – No chat with VIV tonight. But I understand. – Calc’ed time and distance from here to the CU and here to Bedford and here to Richford and oddly, they’re all about the same distance! Imagine that! Each takes a bit longer via vélo, but that’s to be expected because of hills and such. But distance is almost exactly the same! Pretty good, that. Then I tried Iberville in Montréal… 5,5hrs to bike it. Or, in some cases, 6hrs. I don’t know that I’ll be doing that any time soon. But at least I know, roughly, how long it could take. (I;ll have to see how the hills are en route.) – Showered tonight and am hoping to get out and to the CU tomorrow. I have expenses to cover (like the PHONE!). It kills me to go take money that I don’t have. But, I thought today:
I gave my first full cheques to catch up on rent.
I didn’t bother with the TD account so I don’t have a debit card and can’t do what I must with-out travel.
I don’t have shoes because I gave all my money to them.
I don’t have a car because I gave all my money to them.
I did what I could and even MORE to make sure they had money during the cold months…
and I walked in the cold because of it.
And I’m at the end of my “good people” bit.
That recorded, I’m done with my evening tea and last smoke. And now it’s time to try for some rest in preparation for travel tomorrow. – Another month begins. If I could cash my FS I’d be rather better off. This is so stupid! But I did comment on the FS application that I need help getting a car to get more hours to get more income. Of course, that comment was nothing more than a waste of ink. So… it’s back to the hard-ships. Me… my existence… WTF, nobody wants to hear about it or know of it. It’s my shit and I have to deal with it… a new month… bull-shit galore.
Fri.2.Apr: 6.49 Sun is shining, coffee and smoke. Comfy warm. But I woke in pain this morning… abdominal pain. Could it be from the cereal and peanut-butter I ate yesterday? It could, but I don’t know for certain.
And there’s a bike ride today. Oh well. We shall see. Hopefully it won’t rain. A quick check of the weathers… CAD and USA: 10° for CAD. 11° for the USA. 40% rain CAD. 60% USA. They don’t know. So I’ll figure 50% chance of rain for me. Hey! 50% is better than 100%.And according to NOAA, the rain will come between 11-13.00. How charming! As I’ll be out on the roads. Well.. we do what we must. – Had a dream last night but I don’t remember all. Just one bit where Bob was sitting on the parlour floor, we were having a chat about something and he said, sarcastically (but in reference to Lyle): “But we don’t know if people don’t talk about things that other people need to know.” And he gave a snarky smile and in the dream I understood that it was sarcasm and directed toward me. – I haven’t discussed the rent with them. I need to, I know. But I don’t want to bring it up in front of the rest of the house… particularly in front of Jester. I don’t know if I’d mentioned: When they went to hospital, there was an issue with L’s sugar: L. claims it was 400, Jester claimed 500. L. said: Telephone, tell a … tel a… somethings in there, and I cut it before he finished. That little Hick-town homo changes shit round. And then, this morning, as I walked out of the room to have my smoke, I get the surveillance bit: We MUST watch to see how I;m attired and such and if I’m bringing anything with me and what have you. This shit needs to end. I’m sick to death of it. – Oh, and there was another dream:
In a parking lot, perhaps Walmarde, here in VT. It was dark, evening. L. had gone shopping and we were on the way to the car when this nasty, fat kid comes along and picks a fight with L. and a younger fat kid. The instigator was rather violent and presented quite the threat to L. and the other kid, so I got involved, ready to beat the shit out of the punk! At one point, I grabbed the punk by the neck and threatened to take care of him myself. He didn’t put up much of a struggle but enough. So I grabbed for my phone and dialled 911. As I waited to be connected, I told the punk that I was going to handle the situation and whilst I did, 911 could trace the call. WELL! I had the punk by the neck and as I brought the phone to me ear to hear whether I’d been connected, a commercial plane came in for a landing at a near-by airport. The phone signal had been interrupted and I got some kind of recording about trying my call again because of signal disruption! So I did, try to dial the number again and as I did-so, I broke the touch-screen on the phone. It worked, but it had cracked terribly. So now I was pissed because of the punk’s violence, instigation, attitude and the fact that I’d been drawn into a matter that had nothing to do with me, was putting my own well-being in jeopardy for people who didn’t give a shit and who were simply strolling about the parking lot waiting for me to get them into the car to bring them to where they were going… and now… I’d broken my phone because of it all. As my anger rose to a near-crescendo, the dream stopped.
isn’t it marvellous to be so annoyed, even in sleep? And then to wake, with the window open, fresh air, a bit of sun-shine coming into the room and pain in the gut from aggravation… and all at about 5.00 in the morning. What a lovely way to begin a new day. Shit must change and soon! – And so, on that note, I need a hair-cut today… TODAY! So it’s about trying to figure how to get that done AND then on the road. I might just pull the Maine newspapers out, cut the hair in the room, quick rinse-shower and out the door. Jester tells that the other 2 are off to Plattsburgh tomorrow. Mayhaps I’ll be able to get my wash done? (Not counting on it… not at all… but…) Room needs to be Hoovered. My LIFE needs to be Hoovered! – Well… 7.15 and time to toddle along. One more coffee and.. it’s FUKME time! – 8.05 One more coffee and on with the day! I was trying some sort of animation on the Gimp prog. I’ll have to learn it one of these days. – Meanwhile, I just heard Madame speaking with her Jester across the hall… “Bob says… “ I believe it began. Well… when I put it all together, I’m not included in anything that happens in this house, and it’s for the best (for me).
When I think: Bob has an “interest” in Jester; it’s known about the house that Jester is certainly “interested in” Bob… Bob and Lyle are “married” and yet, here’s the “Mistress”, the “trouble-maker” living in the house… and all the while, Madame allows it all to take place. Additionally, I happen to have been privy to the statement (by Madame): I can’t afford a divorce, not now, I’ll lose the house.
Enough of this… on with coffee and such. – 12.04 Bob just pulled up in front of the house, tooted the horn, set the dogs to barking. And the bitches are off and running to where-ever they’re going. And me? I’m just waiting for the rain to pass. Then? On the bike and away I go! And once again I say… FUCK YOU! 12.06 and they’re gone. – But I have a hair-cut today. Something got accomplished. – 12.29 and the RAIN is falling! Just finished Hoovering this pen, putting up fresh water for tea and such. But it’s RAINING!!! It’s supposed to stop by 13.00, but we know how that goes. And if the skies don’t clear enough, the roads will be soaked! This is going to be quite the interesting trip into St.A. And to think: I WASTED the entire day waiting for the likes of “them” in hospital… They’re quite at the ready to ask me to get up and out at 6.30 in the morning, drive this one here, that one there, so that the car sits… in front of the house… Always at the ready to ask ME to DO… but, when it’s raining, and they’re heading into St.A…. OK. It builds, and my stomach is in knots. I don’t look forward to being on the bike on the road today. And I have to see how late the CU is open… I pray it’s until at least 18.00. – Well, it’s 22.33 on Saturday night and I’m just getting to fill in today and try to get Saturday in as well. – As for today, Friday: Yes, I DID make the bike trip! I left at about 14.00 or 14.30, looking to the West and the bits of open sky over there. At the house, the sky was a bit on the grey, but the temperature was comfortable for biking. I actually needed the hood on the sweat-shirt for the trip. All was quiet, I was alone, and not too thrilled about the fact that I was simply left behind, no asking if I’d like a lift. But… what the f….? It was “typical” and shouldn’t have been any different. So off I went. By the time I got onto the Hanna Rd. it began to drizzle, so I pulled off to the side, put a shitty plastic bag on the back-pack and continued along. Because of the rain, no music this trip. But the drizzle stopped, leaving the road just wet enough to kick up a bit of mud. Nothing too serious, just the inconvenience of it. But my mood and attitude changed for the better as I rolled along. The bike ride usually does that, and today, it was in spite of the head-winds. – The trip went rather well too, I must say… all told. It bothered me terribly to have to make this trip and take anything out of the account, but there were finances that HAD to be attended, not the least, the phone, which was due… TODAY! – Oddly enough, again today, the leg along the 105 was painful!!! I think there’s something wrong, rather very wrong, with my kidneys. If I’m rolling along on the bike and I have to pee, even in the least, the PAIN is HORRIBLE! And for some reason, it hits on the 105. I thought today, maybe it’s because that’s the “treacherous” part of the trip and perhaps I tend to tense along that stretch. What-ever it is, it’s PAINFUL!!! – Well, I made it to the CU in plenty of time! Popped in, did my do and headed across the road to the phone. That too went quickly… in… Pay… Out. A quick stop at Hannaford’s for coffee (of course), pa pkg. of franks and a box of PopTarts… and… for “lunch”, a container of turkey cold cuts (ah… back to the Homeless days) and a PowerAde for the trip back. – And the trip back: The skies had cleared and as I got onto the Bushey Rd. I stopped to open the cold cuts and started to eat as I pedalled along. Had some sips of the “water” as well and by the time I got to the windmills, I stopped a bit more to have 2 PopTarts. Hey, the day was well and so was I and I still hadn’t put the music on! And I was NOT in any great rush to get back to the house… for any reason. – At the Machia Rd. I HAD to stop and take a slash! HAD to! And yes, it actually did relieve the pain. Indeed, there’s probably something wrong with my kidneys. One of these days… plop… the end. But for now, I just keep going, doing what I must… just to keep going. – I was almost to the bridge when a car pulled beside and I heard “Hello…” There “they” were… just getting back from where-ever it was they’d been. (Thankfully, “they” weren’t where “I” was today. And to think: I bolted in and out of Hannaford’s so as to avoid them. HAH! I learnt later that theyd gone to Costco… in Colchester! They weren’t even in the county! Silly me.) I made light comments and they were off… not even a mention of trying to offer a lift. “See you at home.” said B. (At the house, I thought. It might be YOUR “home”… ) – As for the rest of the trip? I took my sweetest time along the way. But the time I cleared the first hill on the Hanna Rd. I put the music on and re-played “Central Reservation”. “Today, is what-ever I want it to be…” and the World changed. Yes, the day, this day, any day, every day is what-ever *I* want it to be. And today, I’d paid the phone for another 30 days and had what I needed for the drawer tomorrow. I was “good”. – When I got to the house, indeed they were all there, un-packed and such. It was about 18.30 already! The day was done! And so was I. I came to the room to “settle” and when I went down for a smoke, B. offered me a DRINK! They’d made some kind of something with Jack Daniels, spices and apples. It wasn’t bad. But the little I had… it hit me a bit and I would SO MUCH have APPRECIATED a bit more. But not tonight. Tomorrow is a “work” day at the PO in the town of: St-Ciboire and Càlisse, VT. (I’d thought of the name as I pedalled along the Machia Rd. and it amused me!) But it was rather nice for what it was. And I was rather shocked that I was offered a bit. Not, certainly, as much as B. and Jester were having. But I suppose ANY “offer” should be appreciated. (I don’t anymore though. I don’t “appreciate” much of anything these days. It’s a “new” attitude I have. Fukkit! ALL of it!) – Well, by the time I’d settled along, it was almost 20.00! I got on-line and SPOKE with VIV!!!!! Spoke! She was having a v-cran as we connected and was in a delightful mood. There. She was having a drink, “they” were having drinks. I was having… tea. Oh well.. My day is coming… soon! There’s going to be a stop at the SAQ next trip to Bedford! That much I can guarantee! It might cost me a bit more, but I don’t give a shit any more. – Oh, I must add: B. and I were out back having a smoke and we chatted. I told him that I HAD to get into St.Albans today to take care of the “TD” shit. it helped to “cover” this “situation” a bit. Of course, en route back to the house this evening I thought:
I gave all of my “good” income to them so that they’d have money over the Winter. I didn’t pay the TD and if I had, by next month I’d have a debit card again and wouldn’t be having to bike all over. I could have had a little car by now… I could have had shoes… I could have had a jacket… I could have had clothes. Even my under-wear is being sewn together now. I’m annoyed… bitter… but not letting it get to me.
So, that tossed in here… VIV and I stayed up and talked until midnight! And we got into the “older age” and intolerance. Well, she’s 55 now… It doesn’t seem possible and it certainly isn’t “fair”. But then… nothing in “Life” is “fair”. Nothing at all. Still, I am always truly in rapture just knowing that she’s back in my “life”. – At one point during our chat, I got a shower in so that I could sleep comfortably and when we were just cutting at mid-night, I was glad I’d gotten that shower. Riding along on wet roads kicked up the manure and there was grit on my face and all I could smell was the manure. Best not to sleep in that… shit.. as it were. – And so, the day was a wrap… and none too shoddy at all! – Amen to that.
Sat.3.May: 23.05 yesterday caught-up and now.. on to TODAY! And it was quite THE day! I did NOT want to wake this morning and when the alarm sounded at 5.00, I turned it off and dozed again for another 35 minutes which made me later than my own comfort. But it came in handy… the extra sleep/rest time. B. was up and awake when I left and we chatted a bit in the back yard before I left. He and L. were off to “Plattsburgh” today to meet “Dan” for lunch so they’d be gone when I got back in from work. – Work: I got there at about 7.25! But the mail was LIGHT! WONDERFULLY LIGHT! Gena and I got right into it and it went along SO swimmingly well! And my drawer had enough change and all was quite well with the world this morning. Today was what-ever I wanted it to be… Fuk the little town of St-Ciboire and Càlisse! Everything went right along as if plotted and planned for the best. In fact, it went SO well that, by 11.40 I was DONE with ALL the work! DONE! Including a deposit today! I even got a count on the drawer, came up 8,35 OVER (and adjusted down to ,35 and am now keeping an envelope of the overages in the drawer… as a back-up). – When I got to the house, Jester was putting-up the left-over “pulled pork” from his “birthday” dinner! it’s nice that it isn’t being tossed, but it’s pork and it’s been there for a week! But, I don’t eat so I don’t care. – I came up to the room, changed my clothes and… I MADE A WASH TODAY!!!! CLOTHES AND BED LINENS!!!!! AND I HOOVERED THE ROOM!!!!! CLEAN! – I finished off the franks (there were only 8 in the package… I wonder… was it that the last time as well or are we, AGAIN… cutting back on the contents of the packages? Fuck!. – Jester actually seeded 2 flats today! Says he, he’d mentioned it to L. who said it was too late to do that and that he’d buy the plants from Cecil “because Cecil could use the money.” I told Jester (knowing it will get back to L. of course) that Cecil is doing very well indeed and that buying those seeds and not using them was just another waste. And we got into the bit about them going to meet Dan and I learnt that Jester wasn’t invited because, in spite of apologising, Dan rejected the apology saying it would take him “time” to get over it, I assured Jester that he’d done his best and that’s all that counts. (I also got to toss in my opinion about him having been hand-cuffed and tossed that wretched night and how “interesting” it is that all has returned to “normal” in spite of it. May the “seeds” of thought be well-planted on THAT issue.) – And with that, I left him to “seeding” and I came up to the room for a “nap” that was supposed to have been 30 minutes Abut went on, as these do, for over an hour. No loss… CLEAN CLOTHES AND CLEAN LINENS! AND CLEAN FLOOR! HURRAY FOR ME! – Just before “they” returned, I woke. – Jester had prepared dinner for the 3 of them: Jester had stuffed salmon and they had stuffed burgers. It would have smelled quite delicious but tonight the smell of “food” made me want to puke! The smell of food is back to make me VIOLENTY nauseated. That’s when I finished the franks. I HAD to eat something, I wanted, SO much to have something cooked. But “cooked” was not something I was to have tonight. So… – After, I spent the evening in the room, posting some “memes” to FB and such… just taking it all quite easy. – The sad bit: It was 10 minutes after VIV had tried to call through in Skype when Iogged-on. So I sent a message and then… SHOWERED! CLEAN CLOTHES! CLEAN BED! CLEAN FLOOR! CLEAN ME! – At about 21.30 I finally sent here a bit of a good-night message, logged-off and went for a smoke. – And so, the house is quiet. B. and Jester are in bed (separate rooms and beds, thank you!) L. was, last I saw, on the LazyBoy in the parlour, eating and apple. And me? I’m just about ready for lights out! – The window is open again tonight and it’s SO COMFY being CLEAN!!! CLEAN!!! CLEAN!!! – And now, on this note, I do believe I’ll get this shit posted. – OH OH OH!!!!! BEFORE I FORGET: LAST NIGHT I SAW, ON FB, GLENN K POSTED A LINK AND SUGGESTION TO READ THE BITTER-SWEET BITTERNESS BOOK! HEY HEY HEY! MAY IT PAY PAY PAY!!!!! (But of course, I won’t count on it.) – 23.29 and somebody just went by the house in a car at rocket speed! WTAF?- On THIS note, I’ll post and get to bed. Tomorrow is another day (that I do not look forward to… but it will be… what-ever I want it to be!) – Goodnight Dear VIV!
Sun.4.Apr: 7.34 Last night, as I laid down to sleep, I thought: I don’t want to ever get out of this bed! It was so comfortable. I thought, it’s Sunday tomorrow and I don’t have to get out of bed. And I can sleep-in as late as I want. And this morning, I woke before the 7.30 alarm, but I didn’t realise how much before.. it was 7,01. And I woke on my own, enough sleep. – It’s another rainy day. Rain, not simply drizzle. So much for April showers and May flowers. When I was a 
kid, March was pictures of kites soaring in the March winds which brought the April showers which brought May flowers. These days, it’s March ice storms, April winds, May showers, maybe June flowers, July will bring… who knows what. August will bring heat and humidity and September will bring the cool breezes and Autumn. Alas… – I’m having my coffee. Have had my morning smoke. I gave the cats a bit of some dry food to eat…. just a bit. And as I get back into bed… it’s a painful morning… again. pain the gut. – But: Today is what-ever I want it to be. Perception. That’s all it is.. perception. – 10.05 Another 30-minute nap”… for another hour or so. And… up from a smoke and the house is… awake. Still over-cast. Reminder: Today is what-ever I want it to be. – 21.15 In bed. HUNGRY! DAMN! I’M HUNGRY! And nothing to eat but peanut-butter and those “nuts” cereal, of which I’ve eaten all too much already today. Well… B. has to get up for work tomorrow at 4.30 and hopefully that will keep L. tired enough to go back to sleep so that when the market opens, I can toddle over there and get something. Buy Wednesday, I’ll have to travel to Bedford for smokes, which means a trip to the CU. The weather report is for good weather, but I’m afraid I might have to work on Wednesday. This is going to be an “interesting” week. And if I’m to travel like that, I’ll HAVE to eat something… SOON! – The day was other-wise quite the wash-out… rain, rain, and more rain. I watched a video-prog on the FreeMasons. Interesting group. Now I have to get to the barn and find that stuff in the chest! I wonder if it’s of any value to anybody. Probably not. – Other-wise? Nothing. Not even a communiqué from VIV today! She posted something later last night but I was already done for the day when she did. Well… I’m grateful for the fact that she’s… “There”. – Having the nightly peppermint tea and then… try for sleep. After all the napping today, I should be wide awake. But the rain and cold and dampness just drains. That, and I know I’m in a bit of a depression: I was half-sleeping for those couple of hours this afternoon, aware of the fact and aware of the fact that I didn’t want to “wake” out of it. When that happens… it’s not good. But I’m aware of it… and tomorrow? We shall see what’s to come of that. FOOD! is the first priority though. I hate to “shop” next door, but in the rain.. there’s no travel to the “real” market… Not even to Richford, which is some-where I want to get back to… VERY VERY SOON!
Mon.5.Apr: Woke 4.41
DREAM:I was working doing “home-care” (again) and of course, it was only part-time and the hours weren’t enough to cover my expenses. But I was working for the “Owner” of the company/agency and taking care of her Mum, so when I told her, casually and as I was attending to my chores and responsibilities, that I needed to find other work in addition to this, she told me “Oh that’s too bad because I need you HERE.” So I Said “Yes, yes, of course, and I’ll be right here, I just need more income.” Her reply was “No, I need you HERE.” The conversation went on and I continued doing what was expected of me until she, the boss, came to me and said “You can stop by the office any time to say ‘thank you’.” at which point I realised that she’d fired me! Instead of being supportive and understanding that I needed more income, she simply fired me. Well… I simply, and with a smile of course, said “Why should I go to the office to thank you when I can do that right here?” and then, with a larger smile, looking ever so sincere, I said “I’ve never been able to do this before… say ‘thank you’. Usually this comes at a time when I’m not on the job or at the office. This is much better.” and she just gave me a grimace and left the house. – She, the “boss” resembled NncyHdsn. – i then had to attend to trying to put the house together, in spite of being sacked but I had to put little things in a clear plastic zip-lock travel bag that some spoiled woman was rummaging through under the guise of having to use some of the cosmetics! This woman resembled LzClbt! She was annoying and in the way and what-ever I accomplished along the lines of having to attend to the house, she un-did! I was annoyed, aggravated… I woke…at 4.41!
So I wonder what THIS says about the day. I’ll have to work on it for a bit… see what’s on my mind other than the note from Aline saying she needs my ID on Tues to run a “new system” which made me feel sacked AND the NEED for more income for a car and escape. Jeannine would say: too easy, it’s deeper than that. Of course it is… – Well, it’s 5.33 and I’m off to smoke. B. left at 5.26, coughing out front, perhaps to draw attention? Don’t know… j’m’en câlisse. I just know that I’ve set an alarm for 8.00… when I’m going next door for FOOD! I NEED FOOD TODAY! – Coffee done… smoke time. – 5.45 back from the smoke and Jester is up and texting… and, no doubt, with B. My opinion: there’s something inherently wrong with that. It’s an every-morning situation, where-by, as soon as he can, B. sends messages to Jester. Just the other day, Jester was telling me that B. was depressed because he had to pay child support and that it bothered him so much that he had to talk with somebody about it… Jester. Hey! He’s “married” … and not to Jester. I’m rather glad, in a fashion, that I made mention of the fact that they had him (Jester) hauled out in hand-cuffs, threw him out in the middle of the night in the cold, and since then have made as if it never happened. But then again, I know that I’m not dealing with “normal” people here. And I know that I really need to get away from this situation. I NEED to find a way to make that happen… SOON. – And so, another day of rain ahead. Need to find something to occupy the day. Painting would be nice. But I don’t have the … what-ever it is that I need to do it. I don’t want to take things out of packing, I don’t want to get “involved” with it. But I should work on getting the paintings I do have on-line for sale. And I could/should work on the oars in the barn, the slate in the room, the ducks… there’s much that COULD be done… and nothing I WANT to do. And as for the paintings.. there’s a 20¢ charge to post them to Etsy, and I’ve no way of paying… no banque card. Imagine that shit! – SHIT! – 22.47 Showered. In bed for about 2hours now. GOT THE START MENU BACK ON THIS PIECE OF SHIT LAP-TOP! – BUT THE SHIT IS RUNNING SLOW!!! AND I DON’T KNOW WHY. – Wasted day. Have to work tomorrow. – Skype note from VIV: doing here taxes tonight. Oh well.. BOB SHAVED HIS FACE! LOOKS … TERRIBLE! – Tired. Going for a smoke and to sleep.
Tue.6.May: 6.01 Woke through the night a few times and then, just before the alarm, to hear B. getting ready for work. Then, heard him leave and dozed off. Woke again at 5.39 on my own. NO RAIN falling this morning! How novel! And what a relief! Had my coffee and smoke. But the cats tried to get into the room as I left and Cubby is now on the back porch. I don’t care. Add, my guts feel as if they’re to explode and I’m having those “hot flashes’ that accompany that. I just don’t know. But I’ll try to remember: Today is what-ever I want it to be. – Starting this computer this morning was a delight though, with the new programme that mimics Windows7. – 11.53 MADE IT through the morning! Got to the PO at 6.50 and the volume was light… LIGHT! I got through EVERY-THING way before the due times. Aline worked along with the “new system” and all went SO well. Even my stomach calmed when I got there. And when I returned to the house… “they” were awake, but I still had to take the dogs out. Ah… and L. wants to “take a walk down” to the rhubarb and fertilise it. Why? I don’t know. But me? Not at all. There’s a bit of sun shining today and if the weather will hold, I want to get OUT of this town! Not sure where to, but OUT of this town! Bedford? Sutton? Richford? Just NOT here! The plan is to take a nap and get the fuck out of town! Weather permitting. – But this morning’s bout with the guts was terrible! Painful and all. – And the new “Start” programme was SO worth the few moments it took to install. Start-up is SO much better and so too, the shut-down and such. Indeed, a delight. – 15.15 I’ve just wasted a sunny day. Laid down to nap at noon and didn’t turn the alarm “on”! Slept until 14.30!!!!! And now, the sun is shining, but the breeze is rather too hefty to bike in for a trip HOME, and there’s a chill to it that just makes me.. well… not want to be out in it. For a while, I sat on the back steps with Dixie, thinking of little painting things I could do, like the oars and the ducks and such. But as much as I want to do them, I don’t want to be bothered. I thought of getting a pre-paid “Gift Card” for the money I need to invest in Etsy, but if I don’t “create” anything… I thought of the work put into the yard and garden and how, only 2 of 6 flats have been seeded. That will, in all likelihood just be pissed away. And in moments, B. will be back from work and I’d like to be out and some-where, but I just can’t think of where. Not to mention: that kick of the shitz this morning? I feel I’m due for another one. Well, hopefully the weather will be like this tomorrow. I’ll get up, get together and get the fuck out. I’ll go HOME, take my time, go to Bedford, maybe take a different route and see what it’s all about. There’s another route that’s allegedly shorter (by a bout a km). Only way to see is to SEE. – Meanwhile, my stomach is about to churn and the other two are sitting in the parlour (as usual)… and I’m getting “shaky” from sitting here on the bed. – 22.42 In bed. The evening went along rather well. I went over to the library and in passing, got so speak with the daughter of the author of the Richford history book! I was looking for images to use on the oars in the barn… I MUST get to them and get them sold! (As well as other things that I can use for income at this point.) I didn’t find anything but I did get that photo of the house and after doctoring it a touch, posted it to my FB page. (How thoughtful.) Also, borrowed a copy of “Real VTers Don’t Milk Goats” which I’ve read already. Reminder of “LOSSES” and people with whom I have nothing but bitter memories, for whom I have nothing but … shit. – Well, I’ve been in bed from since 20.15 and I’m tired… for no particular reason, just tired. – This evening, as all sat to dine, I had the last soup with the last roll and a tin of fruit cocktail. (And I wonder why my stomach’s out of whack.) And I’M STARVING-HUNGRY!!! and a touch annoyed: I over-heard B. talking with Jester about being in bed so early. Jester says it’s not feeling well because… it ATE TOO MUCH! OH JUST BLOODY BUGGER ME! Imagine THAT! “ATE TOO MUCH”!!! and doesn’t feel well. Tough shit, that. – 22.00 Went for the last smoke du jour and, standing on the back porch, the air was full of the scent of FRESH-TILLED SOIL! How wonderful it that? What a delight. SOIL! Not cow-shit! Ah, but those days (and nights) are soon to come and the entire state will smell of it’s attitude… decomposed and concentrated cow-dung! – When I came back in, L. was awake, sitting in the parlour eating pasta with a “Thai” sort of peanut-butter sauce that had been last night’s dinner. But as we spoke of peanut-butter, he shared a spoon of Peter Pan “honey roasted” peanut-butter which was quite nice. THEN he offered “The next time we’re in Walmarde we cab pick up a jar for you.” Yup, yeah, right-o. Not. But we stood in the kitchen for a bit, chatting about Kraft peanut-butter and Javex. It’s rather nice to be able to talk with somebody who knows of such things. And there was another moment when I thought to myself: He’s not intentionally evil or hateful… he truly doesn’t “know”. And, considering how, in his youth, he’d locked himself in his room, away from the world, he and I have that in common as well. So I suppose, at some level, he understands why I don’t come out of the room when I’m in the house. But, my own past doesn’t allow for “trust” and such. Oh well.. that’s the was the dung piles. Meanwhile, he still wants to go down back to fetrilise the rhubarb… “We” can go and do it. “We”? You have a spouse, the property as well as the rhubarb is yours… “We”? Nah… – No VIV tonight. Not even a message. But I sent one along to her, to let her know that I’ve thought of her. I can’t help but think how fun it would be to meet her in Bedford. It’s rather odd, in a way, to think that I’m on HOME turf, and so too, is she… and Gaetan and Dan, and yet we’re so far apart. If only I had a car. If only… I MUST get money together, quickly and soon and get this chapter of the book of my “existence” finished. – This lap-top is running SO SLOWLY of late! Although, the computer at work and, I noticed, the library are running slowly and troublesome, I wonder. I had to dump “Chrome” again. It was keeping the browsing Hx from the 3rd May and wouldn’t erase it! I don’t understand. Now I’ll have to re-re-re-install it. Thankfully I still have the “Firefox” (and, of course, the IE… which I’d luv to get rid of but don’t dare because of the forced-use of it on computers these days. “Forced” everything in this day and age. No more “choices” in life. Thank the “Natural Order”… another day older and another day closer to dead and done with this. – Well, I’m tired-tired now. Time for lights out. BEDFORD TOMORROW!!! (I hope.)
Wed.7.May: 6.21
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Thu.8.May: 6.45 I slept… turned the alarm off and went right back to sleep. Gee. I wonder why. Perhaps it was the Tylenol before sleep last night. Or having made the trip to Bedford and having eaten 3 Coffee Crisps, a Coke, a package of Ramnen noodles with oat cereal in it. And that’s it. Just up from a smoke and thinking: one of these days, with any luck, I’ll be out on the road and BANG! C’est tout! Fini. With any luck. – Speaking of “on the road”, I was going to get to Hannaford’s today, Enosburgh. There’s nothing left in here to eat now. But when I looked out the window, the car is out front. B. didn’t go into work this morning? There’s a kink in the plans. Now I have to think of how to get to Hannaford’s and back, with food… and not “discovered”. Oh well. As I’ve been saying of late: Today is what-ever I want it to be. I’ll think of something. – 8.05 quick nap and the morning is passing by. I’m still working on yesterday’s entry as well. But I want to SLEEP! I’m really quite tired this morning. And anxious to get the fuck out of the house. Cecil is already putting up and down the road. I NEED to get FOOD! – 20.58 I am in PAIN!!!!! My fingers are cracked and sliced from the sanding and the acetone, and my face and upper hands are BURNT… SUN-BURNT! And B’s rocker is looking SO GOOD! And I am SHOWERED and in bed! This day was… – By about 10.30 I simply got me together, went out the door, got on the bike and headed down the road to Enosburgh. The sun was quite warm, the sky was quite clear, the air was quite chilled. But it was quite a delight to ride that route again. It’s been a while since the last time. I’ve been leaving the house and heading North mostly. But today, it was quite fun. The clear skies though… the sun is in a position now to burn, and so it did this morning. But it was worth it. I went directly to the Ace (formerly Aubachons) in town and FOUND JEANS!!! Carhart, at 30$ but JEANS! Now I have to get to the CU and get a pair! OK. They’re not Levis (which I would prefer) but… MY SIZE! (What I need now too is sneakers. There’s a HOLE in the sole of the right sneaker, which now leaves me with only the loggers and the Docs for my feet… nothing more. Times are miserable… again.) I got the sand paper… 5$ I shouldn’t have spent.. especially on something that no-one other than me will appreciate. But, it was rather nice to be in Enosburgh this morning and it was a lovely day to be out of doors and it was lovely not being about the house… in spite of the fact that when I left, L. and Jester were asleep… still. And then came the lovely bike ride to… HANNAFORD’S where I got 10 Ramen noodles, a box of PopTarts for the house and a box of peanut-butter PopTarts for me this morning on the bike ride (because I was SO BLOODY HUNGRY!!!), a Powerade for the ride and TWO packages of franks (Hannaford’s own brand… taste like paste, but they’ll do, and they were MUCH cheaper than the “brand” name so I’m not complaining) and a box of camomile tea (which I am enjoying as I type this). – The ride back to the house was relatively fine, save the fact that the weight of the back-pack was a bit much AND… as I was coming along the Stanley Rd. some old shit came up on me and BLEW THE BLOODY HORN! ARSE-WIPE! Set me right off, that. And an oddity: down on the Swamp Rd. off in the woods, there was a pack of dogs howling and whining and such. It was sickening to hear them because it sounded as if they were being tortured! But… this is VT and… well… this is VT. I continued my travel – When I arrived at the house at about 13.00, there was nobody in! The car was gone and the house was empty. So I changed my clothes and took Dixie out to the barn with me where I set up the music and B’s rocker and got right into the work. Dixie was so bored, poor thing, so I brought her back into the house, made me a bottle of coffee and headed back out to work on the chair and SING, SING, SING the afternoon away. And I mean SING! Québec country music and US country music. A couple of almost really good cries today too for some reason. The US country music… Interesting that it still does that. Most of the other music has lost that edge. But the country music still gets me tearing… dumbass. – Well, the chair is looking rather well. I rigged some burlap bags to give it a “finished” look and took some photos. I’m rather proud of the work… whether it’s appreciated or not. And it was rather fun, feeling like some dirt-red-neck in a barn today. Anyway… i didn’t wrap things up until about 19.00 when I finally got back into the house to find… they were all here. When I asked when they’d gotten back, B. said “About 3:30. They came to pick me up at work and we came right in.” So, apparently there was something the 2 “ladies” had to do today but for some reason, I was not even asked to do the usual “car” thing, which means L. had to go with B. to work this morning… on the early hours. I don’t know if I’m on the Shit List because of my attitude on the day I had to sit and wait for the bull-shit with the colonoscopies, or if they’re feeling rather guilty (which I sincerely doubt) for having lurched me about. (I whole-heartedly and from the gut don’t believe for a moment that they’re capable of registering the fact that I’d biked into St. Albans just 2 days after… because I HAD to and that it had to do with the fact that I’d been in St. Albans, sitting on my arse, wasting the entire morning… and then the DAY waiting for them… and for one of them NOT to have gone for the procedure!. None of the 3 of them is of the higher intelligence level to comprehend, never mind notice such things.) In any event… Je m’en câlisse! They can all va chier, mange la marde et meurre! But L. didn’t seem in a negative mood, and B. just seemed… well… as usual. So, I came to the room, got me together and SHOWERED! YAY! (By the way, the “mousse” I got yesterday isn’t all that great. It’s 1,25$ worth. But, it’ll do for the while.) – Then, back in the room, I made a Ramen AND I put 2 franks in with! HOT dogs! I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before! They weren’t half bad (and better than the 3 I’d eaten cold when I got back from the bike-trip). – Eaten and done, I went down for a smoke, got into a bit of a chat with L. He wanted to know how the weather is this evening… He thought “we” might have a bon-fire this evening!!!!! Well… “WE” would probably enjoy something of the sort… with drinks…and with-out being solely responsible for the building and maintaining of said fire. But, since “WE” KNOW who will have to prep, build and maintain the fire and who will NOT be offered anything in the way of beverage or drink… “WE” said that “WE” found the weather to be a bit too “damp” and “chilly” to be able to enjoy a fire tonight. “WE” don’t particularly give a shit if “WE” have offended. But “WE” are NOT going to repeat last Summer… Period. – So, it’s already 21.41. At about 20.00, I looked for VIV on Skype… nothing. I left her a message and cut the connection almost immediately. I’m actually tired and want to keep this journal up tonight. – That said, I’m supposed the 2 are in bed or what-ever. Jester is bouncing about across the hall. It showered this evening… hmmm…. I wonder what that’s about, on a Thursday evening. – Oh well.. the day is just about done. I’m rather pleased with the accomplishments today. Tomorrow is expected to be rain (imagine that… said he, with too much sarcasm). So the travels and travails today were well-spent. AND… the biz about not being awakened at 5.00 this morning to take 
B. to work and bring the car back for the other 2? Priceless! Even if it means hauling groceries on the bike… I prefer it this way.
If I don’t do you any favours, you won’t owe me any.
On that note, time for the last smoke and then to post this. I might even have a second tea tonight! Just because…- 22.08 Just up from the smoke and a chat with L. Told him about the chair because he noticed the sun-burn. AND… today’s travel mystery is solved: They got a new microwave. Well, of course they did… FOOD!
Fri.9.May: 8.38 Just waking.
*DREAM: I was in a house that I had just rented, from a young, Italian couple. It was a beautiful house, white walls, off-white carpeting. It had and ante-room at the front entrance. Fully furnished with wonderful furniture and such. I was, for some reason, coming out of the shower and still naked when I spotted something that I wanted to put up on a wall near the ceiling and was up on a chair when I heard the front door open. So I grabbed a blanket or towel and wrapped it round my waist just as the door to the house-proper opened. It was the wife, a young woman, saftiche, short, dark brown hair. She came waltzing in with the air of “Ownership” and gave me a rather stern, dissatisfied look, and proceeded to walk through to the dining room. I was upset, but said nothing. Then she went into another room, disregarding, almost ignoring my presence. Suddenly, she began setting the dining table for a rather formal-style dinner and I was still in the towel/blanket. When, at one point, she simply walked by me and bumped me, almost knocking the “cover” off my waist, I confronted her: “LOOK!” I said, “You see what almost happened here! There’s a thing civilised people do when there’s a door to someone’s home involved. It’s known as ‘knocking’. It means one makes a noise to let the person on the other side know that they’re coming in. That way the person inside the house isn’t taken at an awkward time or state! I am undressed and you just barge in here and I don’t want that to happen again!” She just blew me off with a glance and continued with what she was doing. I went to the table with my clothes and some tools that I was using and I put it all on the table, on the dishes that were set there, properly. I was annoyed at this point, not only by the fact that she’d just walked in but by the fact that she was obviously setting a dinner to be held in what was “my” dining room! So I snapped at her: “This is NOT going to happen again, you simply walking in on me!” She went into a hall-way to get something more for the dinner and she SLAMMED a door! And when I went into the hall-way to see what she was doing, she gave me a defiant smirk,as if to say “THERE! I made noise, with a door, to let you know that I’m here!” So I said something to the effect of “You don’t seem to understand that this is MY place now… I’ve rented it from you and there are laws governing this house now that you must abide by.” and she turned to me sharply and said “I can throw you out when I damned-well want to too!” So I looked directly at her face and said “Go ahead, give it your best shot and I’ll exercise my legal rights and you’ll have a lot to answer for.” (Considering, as I knew, she and the husband weren’t renting the place legally and not reporting the rental income.) And as her facial expression changed from arrogance to anger, I woke.*
I can, pretty much, figure what this dream is all about, superficially. But I wonder if it isn’t premonitory. And if that’s the case, what it’s about… naked, walked-in on, something hidden, something discovered. Only time will tell. But I’ll be on the guard for a while. As I believe it was Sue said to me recent;y when we’d discussed dreams of this kind: It makes you just want the day to be over. It does. – Meanwhile, I heard this morning’s alarm, turned it off and dozed back to sleep thinking of today’s weather forecast: rain. No sense in trying to wake early. There’s nothing that I can think of that MUST be done today. There are places I’d like to go to, but I don’t dare, considering the chance of rain. Today’s “pay-day”, for all that’s worth. I’d truly like to get those jeans at the Aubochon’s in Enosburgh, but that means biking into St.Albans and then to Enosburgh and, well, aside from the fact that that would mean a 3rd consecutive day on the bike… and in weather threatening to rain… I’d best find something else, closer to the house, to attend today. – A note for this morning and this day and this week and month… a note to be noted: I’d prepped SIX flats for seeds for the garden… only TWO have been done. AND, the “tags” indicating what’s been seeded are INSIDE the closed plastic bags! INSIDE! I mean… seriously? How stupid can one possibly get? At any rate, only TWO flats have been seeded… I suspect that’s to be the fullest extent of the “work” THEY will put into this. – And this morning I can’t help but think of yesterday, when somebody else had to get up to take B. into work… Was it because they’re being “considerate” and not asking me for favours? Is it because they feel badly because I was blatantly inconvenienced by having to sit and wait for them at hospital? Is it because they’re angry that I spoke on my annoyance and that I made it known so now it’s a matter of “Don’t give him the opportunity to have the car!”? (Personally, I suspect it’s the last item. And all I can think of this morning is: “People think you’re angry with them, or they get angry with you when you treat them the way they treat you.” FUKKIT! – The front window has been open for about a week now… “fresh” air in the room but it smells of road dust! Always something… always something here. WHAT a bloody house-hold! – Today I’ll work on the oars and the ducks and painting and such… things to be sold… for my benefit. – 11.16It’s drizzly. I’ve been out for 2 smokes, tried to clean the lap-top of all files associated with Chrome because there’s too much shit on this thing. I’m still in my sleep-sweats. I’m hungry and there’s nothing to eat… But, when I just went to the kitchen. the smell of cooking confirms that Jester (being awake) has eaten. Meanwhile… I’m going to try for a 30 minute nap… may it only be that long. There’s no reason not to nap, and I’m actually TIRED! – 22.39 Finally got out of the house at about 13.00. Curtis mowed the lawn and Jester mentioned the swing so I went int the barn, got out the reel mower, shortened the grass where the swing sets and then… got the swing out of the barn. No thanks came. As Mum said: There are no thanks. Fukkemall. j’m’en câlisse eniwé. Cleaned the barn, got it all neat and tidy and came into the house.. to shower and get ready for bed! – I’ve been IN bed from since about 20.00. Got VIV on Skype this evening and have had my tea, PopTarts and am having a hot water. – The WIND is HAMMERING out there tonight. It would have been a chilly but lovely night for a “fire” but… again… I’ll be damned before I’ll go through ANOTHER Summer of stoking fires whilst others get drunk. Fukdatshit! – Tired now… water’s almost done. Work tomorrow. I’m awake later than I want to be and with this final thought of the day, the fucking abusive shit and all… how delightful. Especially since my fingers are so cracked and sore … from the chair-work and such… yes… no… there are no thanks. Just so the shit, get he fuck, and move along. Life… we’re dragged into it with-out any choice in the matter to be… what? I mean… I should be HAPPY about this fucking miserable shit? Nah…
Sat.10.May: 5.16 And out there some-where, in this shit-town, somebody’s sounding a car horn… and has been so-doing for the past 16 minutes or so. I suspect it’s up at the Sweet Shop apts. I mean, to not knock on a door? One can’t use mobile phone here, of course. So, giving credit for some sense, I’ll imagine it’s at the apartments and the horn-blower is so-doing because s/he can’t get to the person’s door. – ANYWay… IF I GOT ALL OF AN HOUR’S SLEEP ALL NIGHT… MAUDITE CÂLISSE!!! AWAKE ALL BLOODY NIGHT!!! I’m a mess and a wreck wrapped into a ball and truly just fucked to the wall this morning. Afraid the alarm wouldn’t sound this morning. Can’t trust the alarm any more. Need another one. Or something. Shit! As if I’d sleep past 7.00 anyway! OK. SO the day’s supposed to get miserably hot, there’s no place I can go to today because, well, the fucking Credit bloody Union is closed and that would be the only thing I’d need to do IF the weather stops raining. I could get jeans at Enosburgh and maybe boots as well!!! But… nah… bloody bugger me, as usual. So for now…. time for a smoke, maybe a nice shit, a bit of a shower
and off to greet the fine folk of St-Càlisse d’Ostie! … sur lac. Fuck. –
a singy-dancy wonderful attitude at 5.30 in the morning as the rains fall softly from the steel-grey skies, the birds begin their morning song as the fuktard up the road continues to sound the horn. Indeed, another happy, happy day in St-Càlisse d’Ostie! (and my stomach knots…) – 
5.43 The horn’s still honking and the rain’s still falling and it’s miserably HOT this morning! And my guts are in knots and… It’s 17° with a high of 24 and a heat index of 28 here… and in Nunavut… bright sun-shine and minus 5. Imagine that! – 18.56 Just coming in from another afternoon behind the back barn where I sanded 4 oars and will now have to get to them, painting something stupidly “tourist” on them and presenting them as some “keepsake”. Maybe some tediously bored “Summer Camper” will want a piece of the “history” of this town. I can only hope… – HOT… that’s how the day is… and was… HOT. I got to the PO early enough this morning and had to WAIT for the truck to come! I get there early and the mail arrives… well… 7.15 or so? LATE! There wasn’t much in the way of lettres but the “flats”! So much “junk”! But it all got done on time today! No trouble there… and that with all the running to the phone and the counter and listening to the bitching at 8.20… “Still putting the mail in?” Suck my shit-hole and have a nice day! THEN… at 10.58 the broad with the boxes of books! And of course, since I can’t close the door whilst putting here shit up, 4 more follow her! What the bloody fuk? These morons! These in-bred bastards! And on the desk is a notice: No more unapproved over-time. Bull-shit! If I can’t stop them from abusing the office hours, then the PO will PAY me for putting up with this shit! Period! – SO… the day went and I was there until almost 13.30… I get back to the house and B. is in the midst of changing the back doors! As if THAT’S something that truly needed to be done!Not that any of this is any of my business, really, I don’t give a shit. But gee… 2 out of 6 flats have been seeded, nothing gets done in the yard or on the front or on the house-proper. And the HOURS spent at the TV. None of my business… So I come in, up to the room and HAD, HAD, HAD to have a lie-down… 14-15.15. Not nearly enough sleep last night coupled with the general anxieties of every day recently, and the bits of depression over things in general. OH! AND today I receive a bit of a note from the Fed: I “may be entitled to an EIC credit” of almost 500$!!!!! 48-something. Imagine that! Wouldn’t that be a lovely addition to the money I could use to get a car? BUT.. of course.. if I DO get the credit? BLOWN RIGHT THROUGH MY BOWELS AND INTO SOME PLACE THEY DEEM MORE IMOPRTANT THAN ME. There isn’t a chance in HELL that I’LL ever see it. I tossed the little note back into the envelope and sent it on its merry way. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUK ME! – Nap done? BOLT up out of the bed and out the door to the barn… with Dixie and the music. Away from the house, away from the insanity… away, away, away. I grabbed 3 oars and sat in the old chair, out-side the barn door and sanded them down, listening to the music, singing along with it… getting the sun and just working along… working, working, doing, doing, something… always something to “do”… keeping busy. Hopefully I’ll be able to paint something on them and get them sold for a buck or two or something. – But at the moment now, I’m just eating: 2 franks,heated in the mug with the Ramen noodles and having them on rolls (with mustard). 2 franks on rolls and 1 direct from the package because I’ve been so hungry. – I noticed today that “they” bought an hydrangea. Probably for the grave for tomorrow. No doubt they’ll all get into the car and drive round the corner to the church… how silly of me to even mention… as if they’d “walk” anywhere… Walk? HAHahahahah. – 21.49 Showered, in bed, chamomile tea, house quiet, i expected them to have fire tonight… It’s quite warm enough. Clear weather and HOT.- 22.41 Just up from a smoke. When I went out with Dixie, L, came out and… offered me a beer! WOAH! I had to decline because I’m so tired I’m ready for sleep. But we chatted a bit, I smoked, he finished his beer (he and Jester are already at the bottom of a bottle or 2). But how interesting that I should be “offered” a beer. Well… I still keep thinking: of all the people to have in the house, they have Jester, even after the incident this Winter. Well, that’s how they are… none of my business. – Just sent a Skype message to VIV. – The night’s comfy cool and the wind’s not too bad. Hopefully it’s to be a good night for sleep… SLEEP! Never “enough” and never “restful”. One of these days… BAM! at the rate I’m going and the pains that have been stabbing at me. But I just hope it doesn’t happen this side of HOME.
Sun.11.May: 10.19 I woke just before the 7.30 alarm, have have my coffee, am on my second and have had a smoke. (And just now, in the hall, I hear L. yell “Bob… Bob.. have you done the under-wear yet?” and the reply from 
down the hall… “No…”) Kriste! – Weather’s rather delightful. There’s an hydrangea on the back porch (or, what L. calls the “shed”… which will, probably be going to a cemetery some-where… today. Ah… indeed. Me? My sentimentality for all that is gone. – Today, I’m going to get mys hit together and try to create something that will be to MY advantage! Time to use this town as it’s abused me already. Nasty fux! Time I got my pay for what I’ve put into this shit-hole. – And there’s my thoughts before getting out of bed. – 10.37 The stench of something “cooking” is wafting up into the room and it stinks! And the grazing begins! – 18.56 JUST in and out of the shower after leaving the house at about 10.30… Water boiling. Franks and Ramen. Although B. did ask if I was hungry. I said “After all that country music today, I need a Jack and a beer!” and L. says “Go for it!” Oh, but as I walked in the door? jester tells me that L’s sister put a pot of tulips on the Mum’s grave and that they brought the bulbs back… “for you to plant.”. Ah… I said “I did the gardens, you have the bulbs.” to which L. replied “You have a better sense for those things.” You’re right about that: I have better sense… Décàlisse! Mange la marde! – OK. time for a little entertainment and food… Food? – 21.40 In bed at last! OK. So, I was out of the house by about 10.30 this morning and right to work on the North garden. Not bad. Not too much work to be done over there. And it looks quite “clean”. No sooner got that done, and I noticed a limb from one of the pines on the ground. (I learnt that B. had snapped it off the tree because it was hanging a bit “too low”. He didn’t cut it off, and it wasn’t broken, but he snapped it off… and left it on the ground… I mean, Heaven FORBID he should MOVE it to any-where out of the way. No, just leave it where it was.) OK. So I got the saw and cut it down for fire-wood for “them” and “their” nights out in the back (because, lets’ face it, I’m not looking forward to any more of “their” “Friday nights” any more.) – That done, it was time t move along… to the rhubarb that’s recently become an obsession for L. However… to be noted: this morning, the house was awake and moving about, making wash and such. But… by 13.00 when i came back in for music and a coffee… all 3 of them were back in bed and asleep! “Doing” something must have been SO terribly exhausting! I mean… putting the clothes into the washer and then… then… THEN hanging the wet clothes on the line! WOAH! Amazingly, nobody had a heart attack. – Today, in the brilliant sun-shine, I went and cut the grass up from round the rhubarb, making a nice, neat rectangle round it, so maybe the roots will have someplace to get to? And I took the “sod” from there and put it at the back of the barn, to give it a bit of “life” instead of all the packed dirt. – Ah… whilst I was doing that, B. brought the car to the barn to clean it out. At one point he wanted the electric, but there’s only one cord. I semi-agreed that he could take the electric (which I’d been using to listen to my music) but he declined saying “No, you’re using it already.” I let the issue drop. I’m learning how to be SO selfish here. Not in a nasty manner, but, rather, just to please “me” for a bit… in small ways. Well, I turned to country music and continued with my work. When, at one point, I went to the front of the barn, the crew was all gathered and sitting on the swing (which I brought out … with-out thanks) and L. commented on my collection of “Old Country Music” saying that he was impressed at how much of the originals I’d collected. I merely said “This is what I grew up with.” and left it at that and returned to my own doings. – I don’t know what time it was, but it was rather later when Jester came to the back of the barn… “Sir… they were wondering if you have a trowel… a small trowel because they bought a plant for the grave. Or a shovel.” So I gave him the masonry trowel and told him that there was only one spade and the other shovels are flat. I wasn’t about to part with the tools I needed to finish and I was in the midst of re-doing the potatoes and onions. But it was the hands-folded-in-front, “humility” stance approach… made me ill. – Well, they left and went on their business and I finished the gardening. It must have been about 18.00 when I finally finished and came into the house… as they were all seated at table… eating dinner. As I passed through, B. actually asked “Are ya hungry?” (I’d gone to the market during the day to get 2 ice-cream sandwiches… at 510 calories each… 2 Cokes and a box of donuts…I’d had the ice-cream and Cokes so I was fairly OK at the moment) but I declined saying that I was more tired and in need of a shower… and left it at that. – SHOWERED immediately when I came in, then into the room for the franks and Ramen… THREE franks on rolls this evening! And HOT franks at that! (I hope the remaining franks don’t go bad in here, since the weather is getting much warmer these days.) – Watched a bit of “QI” as I ate and then went to watch “Laflaque” but that wasn’t being broadcast this evening. – SKYPE… VIV! She was already on-line at about 19.30. We got to text-chit-chat for a bit but then her replies seemed to drift into silence… so I went back to “QI” for a while and then cut the connection. I think the both of us are just really tired tonight. Just… so tired. – Well, that wrapped the evening up and I’ve just come up from my last smoke of the night. My stomach is “off”, my joints are a tad achy. The temperature has gone the typical “cool” and I’m just exhausted! – I should head into St. Albans tomorrow, for a bit of cash that I’ll need come Wednesday when I have to get to Bedford. Monday and Tuesday weather looks OK. But by Wednesday, there’s increased chances of showers. So? – Viv asked if I’d like to ride into BTV on Saturday so I can get shoes. I didn’t commit to anything. I dodged the question. That’s just me… Besides, I don’t know that I’ll have money… 
although I DID receive my State tax refund yesterday…. a WHOPPING 27$! HEY HEY HEY!!! – Anyway, time to get to sleep here… and hopefully I will. In the morning tomorrow, I MUST make a wash! MUST! MUST! MUST! And as for the rest of the day? IF I’m able, I’ll head into St. Albans to the CU. And hopefully I’ll be able to do so.
Mon.12.May:
AT 1.18 THIS MORNING I WAS AWAKENED OUT OF A DEEP SLEEP BY THE SOUND OF SOMEBDY IN THE HOUSE CALLING MY NAME! But it didn’t really happen… nobody actually called me!
6.27 I don’t know how,considering the late hour at which I went to sleep last night, but I’m awake, and the laundry is in the washer 
(and the afore-menitoned under-wear from yesterday is still in the dryer… go figure that). I’ve had my coffee and morning smoke. The sun is pouring in through the windows and the day has begun… Cool, but not the “20°” on the barn thermo that has been the norm. My stomach is “off” this morning, but that’s probably a lot to do with the fact that I’m making a wash and that always makes me a bit on the anxious side.. that I shouldn’t wake anybody in the house or have to hear any comments about it. – What is to be done with this day is just about anybody’s guess. But… I’ve found that I just have to shut down and let the day go as it will. “Today, is what-ever I want it to be.” St. Albans… no doubt. I don’t want to go there, but I must, I suppose. Meanwhile, I have a bit of “filling-in” to get done here so…. – 18.43 Showered and in bed and truly quite tired. Instead of heading for St. Albans this morning, I got involved with yard-work… 
the rhubarb that has become L’s obsession of late is now taken care of and should be growing ever so nicely. There’s more grass planted (transplanted) behind the barn. When this takes, it’s going to look great back there! – It was a day from 11.00 to 17.00 today… non-stop. But when I went into what L. calls the “garage”, where the bike had been stored of late… well… the photo tells all. Me? I posted photos of the back-barn and the rhubarb on FB and then went for a smoke with Dixie and took a photo of the bike… and posted that on FB as well. The bike photo has no comment at all. – Meanwhile, I got my laundry done fro 6-8.00 this morning. Then took it easy for a bit and went to “work” in the yard. At one point, when I came in to get the speakers for music, L. asked ME to help HIM (help… hahahahahh!) put a flag-pole holder (that he bought on e-bay) on the front porch! Thankfully, B. phoned at that time and when L. asked him where the screw were, B. had other plans and I got off the hook. But as I went up-stairs to get the speakers, I over-heard Jester tell: I got all the laundry folded. WTF? The underwear was STILL in the dryer from YESTERDAY MORNING! Laundry folded? It’s been there for TWO bloody days! Just like the dishes that sit for THREE bloody days. AND… Ms. Thang can sit about the friggin house all fucking day! Honestly! I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE! THIS PLACE IS A FUCKING ASYLUM! – Then, as I’m out of the shower, B. knocks on the door (17.15 this is now…) to say they’re going into St. Albans and would I like a lift? L. got a new phone… Jester is getting L’s old “smart phone” and so that’s what they’re doing. (And thus far, they’re not returned so…) When I went down for my smoke, that Mexishit was perched on the steps and as I tried to avoid stepping on it (which I will NEVER do again… try NOT to step on it!), I cracked my head on the over-hang on the stair-way! – I’m fed up! – Tomorrow I need to get into St. Albans to get some money so I can get smokes… 
Ah… and now… no bike… trying to get to Bedford is going to be a trip. I have to check the distance. I think it’s close to the Richford-IGA trip… 6hours of walking… in shoes with holes in the soles. Fun fun FUN to come! – I’m not worrying about getting anybody in this house anything any more. I NEED shoes, jeans… A FUCKING CAR! And it’s time I stopped worrying about all the shit in this place and started worrying about my own shit! And the bike just threw the WHOLE deal over-board. So if anything is said about “rent”… this time I’ll go to the PA and ask… and file… and see where that brings us all. This is… IT! – Time to pop a message to VIV on Skype and get under the blankies. – Oh… 4 franks (3 hot) and Ramen tonight. Lunch was 2 ice-cream samishez and 2 Cokes. Hey! OK for ME!
Tue.13.May: 5.37 Woke to the sound of a light rain. Grabbed a cold coffee and vit.C and out for a smoke. As I came back into the house, L. was bringing the dogs out for morning pee. Well, what a delightful start to the day. And to think, according to the last save o this Journal file, I was in bed and off to sleep at 19.19 last night… which was when “they” returned from their a=little run into “St. Albans”. I didn’t mention last night that there’s a new shower curtain in the loo, and this morning, I notice, there are more “stickers” on the car… Gay-related, of course, And “We’re living month-to-month”. How terrible. –
Well, this morning, my decision is whether or not to try and make the rrun into St. Albans m’self. Thinking: I could ask Aline for a lift in when (if) she goes home for her “lunch break”, hang about for a few hours and catch the jitney back a t6.30. If it’s not raining too heavily, I believe that’s what I’ll do. Perhaps I’ll break down and get a pair of work-boots at Walmarde today. Viv offered to go into BTV on Saturday, but I wont have the time to get the money I need for such things… I have to work the day on Friday…and again on Saturday. Besides, as much as I’d truly love to see her, it’s an expense for her that will put a strain on her budget. So? So… – Meanwhile, my back is rather sore this morning. Sun-burn. That’s going to make having the back-back a bit tough. Ah… the things in a day. – More immediate is my concern about having to take a dump soon and .. well… it appears that B. has the day off… he’s not yet awake and the car is still here. How charming. Just how fucking charming. – Well? Today is what-ever I want it to be. And all will take care of itself as the time moves along, I suppose. I’m awake… and still, even after all the sleep (and I slept almost through the entire night), I could use a nap! Imagine that. Mental stress. That’s all it really is, mental and emotional. Oh well… – 8.34 For some un-known reason, I just woke again. Tired… just tired this morning. And it’s cloudy, cool, and there’s a good possibility that I’ll be walking into St. Albans today. But… that’s how it will be. – 21.00 Well!!! Baby got noo shooz today! Yes indeedie! Crap, Brahmas, cheap Chinese shit, Walmarde. But “all God’s chi’ren got shoes ma lawd!” and these have SOOOOOLE! No holes. And the package reads “Waterproof”. Imagine that! 44,48$ Suck my haemorrhoids, merci à vous too much… or, should i say “va chier beaucoup”! – So as it worked the day, I’d gone to the PO to check my mail and was giving some time to see how the weather was going to hold, since the bike was buried and in who-knows-what condition. And at the PO I received my usual love note from the Fed to inform me, yet again, that they’ve taken my tax “refund” and applied it to where “THEY” believe it would be better than in my pocket. Only 126$ mind. But indeed , that would have gotten me a new bike and transport and such. But no, best to have the government take it. They need … NEED … it SO much more than I do. Oh well… SO… as I stood, listening to the errors I made on Saturday past, I decided to ask (50/50 yes/no) if Aline would be kind enough to give me a lift into St. Albans. Hey, if nothing else, I needed to get some cash for me… and that was my primary goal du jour. She said YES! SO… it was about 10.45, so I came back to the house and amused me a bit with some very light weeding out front and pruning the dead branches off the roses on the South side of the house and went back to the PO. Aline drove me RIGHT TO THE CU! She’s a gem… a GEM, I tell you! – So there I was, alone, on foot at the CU. I cashed my 27$ VT tax cheque and grabbed 100 from the acct. and waltzed o’er to Walmarde, being in no particular rush today. There, I tried on a couple pairs of shitty-quality work-boots, being none too pleased with the quality nor the prices, then browsed the bicycles. Again, none too please with the quality nor the prices… imagine… OVER 100$ for a BIKE! I’ve gotten THAT old! I suppose, to others, the 129$-199$ prices are “reasonable”. But to this old brain… no! – Out of Walmarde and heading down the route 7, I rang GMTA to try to get through to “Tim”, who was being exceptionally obtuse with me, that I wanted a lift from the Rehab! It took a bit of explaining, but we settled it and … – So, I took a walk into town, as it were, to check to see, at last, the inside of the “Penny’s” store (not impressive at all!) and the new ACE hardware (which is LESS impressive than the one in Enosburgh, I will say!) and it was only 13.00-something! At least 3 hours to muck with and nothing worth being in town for so I headed back toward Hannaford’s, since I was in town, empty back-pack and certainly could use a bit of… food(?). Well SHIT! They had NO COFFEE! What the ever-luvin-fuk is THAT about? So I grabbed a box of cereal, of PopTarts, a package of BEEF franks, a box of tea (instead of coffee?) and a bottle of pomegranate juice (small, 2,29$ Langers… not “cocktail”… JUICE!) and a package of cookies for the rest of the day’s nourishment needs. – Done.. and still more time to muck with, I headed BACK into Walmarde and… got the work-boots. And, as I went back into Walmarde I thought: I could certainly go right into the CU and pull the money to get another bike and ride that right back to the house this very day… BUT WHERE WILL I PUT IT? AND WHAT WILL I DO WITH IT WHEN I HAVE TO LEAVE THAT HOUSE? Life… what a fucking manure-pit! Truly, in every sense other than the fact that manure is used to fertilise and grow things… where-as MY manure-pit is nothing but stench and rot. – But, I got the boots and strolled, ever so casually, (mostly because my feet were terribly sore by now) over to the rehab to wait for the bus… I got there at 15.58 for a bus that wasn’t due until at least 16.28… so there I stood… no place to sit and rest. Oh well… – The bus? I STOOD THE FULL RIDE to the Abbey. STOOD! So much for the “we don’t have the rider-ship.” eh? – But, in any event, at least I wasn’t walking! And that was a delight in itself. – When I got off the bus, there were 2 folks on bikes there. They’d passed me back in St. Albans as I was walking to the rehab. We chatted a bit. They were en route to … BAKERSFIELD! They both lived there and worked in St.A. and decided to bike to and from work today! Well, I told of the situation with the bike in the barn here and the young girl suggested craigslst and CVOEO! for some help. HEY! This is what these “chance meetings” are about! And so, I thanked her and bade both of them “sage trip”. Imagine… 2 MORE people biking about and over great distances. Charming, that, in it’s own way. – And I was off… Hoofing from the Abbey to… – i was about wasted and exhausted and such when I got to (Edward) Noonan’s place where the great black lab (Acer) met me, barking away! Mr. N. called from the yard “How far are ya going?” and when I told him, HE OFFERED A LIFT! WAS WILLING TO DROP WHAT HE WAS DOING AND GIVE ME A LIFT INTO TOWN! Even as I type this (on Wed. at 7.44) I’m AMAZED… PLEASANTLY SHOCKED! And so he did! Just a bit more than half the walk! I was and am and will remain SO THANKFUL! And how nice to meet some-one who’s name I know because of the PO. How nice… how truly wonderful and kind. – At the house by 17,50something, I collapsed into the swing out back to have a smoke and to sit and settle my aching skeleton. And then… INTO THE PIT! where I simply would NOT hide the shoes. As I’d sat on the swing I recalled:
I went on payroll in Oct.2013, began getting paid in Dec.2013 and THIS was the FIRST thing I’ve purchased (aside from my smokes) for ME… EVER! BULL-SHIT! REALLY! NO! I am NOT “hiding” this! And now? With the bike situation and such? Go ahead… tell me again “YOU OWE US A LOT OF MONEY!!!” and I will be OUT AND TO THE PUBLIC ASSISTANCE TO FIND ANOTHER PLACE TO RESIDE… which means an application for assistance which will require… MY CURRENT PLACE OF RESIDENCE! Yes indeedie-doo… I’m ready to ROCK AND ROLL! – aH hAH! As I’d expected… When I left this morning, Jester had the poochies out for a pee and I told Dixie “I’ll see you tonight.” and of course, Jester assumed I was going to the PO to work… HAH! And, the little faggot reported THAT to the house. HAH! Fuktardz… the lot of them. So when I began my “nicey” chat, I’d mentioned going to the PO and immediately, L. replied “Is that where you’ve been?” and I then took the opportunity to inform: “No, I took my 27$ VT tax refund cheque… since the Fed snatched my 126$ refund… and got a lift into St. Albans where I finally got SHOES that have soles and don’t leak water!” (Point made.) I mentioned the lift from Mr. N. and the reply from L. was enough to churn my gut: “There are a few nice people left in the world.” WOAH! Yeah… as the bike lays under the rubble in the “garage”, the car sat there in front of the house all day because “Doughboy” was having a touch of “vertigo”, and I was out on foot most of the day. Right-oh! Well… I remained jolly… no sense in being other-wise. And then, I came up to the room to change into the new shoes and take Ms. Dixie out… and …. fix the back door on the back-barn… because it needed a bit of adjusting.. a sawing-off trim. Yup… all that walking and right to working. OK then! Work… Never let it be said… One note: I took Dixie with me and we took a stroll down to the brook. She LUVZ that! But on the way back to the house, I took a bit of a run and BANG! THE CHEST PAIN! Left side. One of these days… I can only hope. – Back in the house and 3 franks, heated in hot water, on rolls… “Dinner” and VIV… SKYPE! it was a rather slow chat this evening. She’s tired. I’m tired. We’re tired. How unfair of “Life”.
I mean, I don’t mind so much that it takes from me. But I DO wish, with all heart and soul, that there was something I could do to make it all “perfect” for her. She deserves only the “Best” that this Creation can give. Her presence alone puts so much JOY into my own, other-wise worthlessness. I just so wish… – 21.32 I’ve had MASSIVE TROTS tonight! Just running, running and stomach churning, churning. I showered to get the day’s sweat off and had a chamomile tea. And it’s time to wrap this day up and leave it in a box called “Who the fuck cares, really?” Tomorrow… oh, tomorrow… we shall see what it will become. But today, today, was quite the day. And again, I did what I needed to do… I got by with a little help from my friends… “friends”… right.
Wed.14.May: 6.54 Well! (or… WELL!!!) I’m awake, have had a cold coffee, a smoke and I took the opportunity to check… the bike, in the “garage” is back up on the kick-stand. I’m amazed. And I strolled to the back-barn and the grass is growing rather nicely.
A bit of rain would be a delight for that. But so far, it’s doing well. And I am pleased. But my navel is sore again and rather red. And I wonder what that’s all about. – And I’m here, in the bed, thinking of the work that needs to be attended here, in the yard (I will NOT let that go and give opportunity to have something said), and the advice form the nice lady-biker yesterday about getting help with a bike of my own. And… AND… should the weather hold, I WILL get HOME at some point, SOME-how, today. Not just for smokes, but because… I WILL get HOME!
I’ve had 50 years of my life stolen from me.
I’ve slept and lived alone, on a beach dune, and under a tree.
I’ve stood, alone, at the door to a Homeless Shelter.
I’ve slept on a strange bed, amongst thieves, robbers, rapists and murderers.
I’ve flown, alone, to a place completely foreign to me, 607km (377mi) to re-settle… alone.
I’ve walked more kilometres in a day than many have driven in a week.
I’ve been promised and lied to.
I’ve been falsely accused… and never bothered to argue.
And all the while, I’ve kept right on going…
You know? It’s not a polite way to wake in the morning, this bitterness and internal rage. But I just cannot give a fuck, flying or other-wise. What I say is true. Bitter? Yes indeed. Absolutely. But have I turned it against others? No. And why? Because “others” aren’t worth the effort nor the energy. And, as Beth Orton sings: Today is what-ever I want it to be. – 20.16 Just finished enjoying an Earl Grey tea and am steeping a chamomile before bed. It was an “accomplished” day and one that more-or-less ended strangely. – I was going to head up to Bedford this morning but my body just couldn’t take the walk… in spite of the fact that B’s bike is back up and standing at the ready and I was considering simply taking the other bike from the barn (which I just might do tomorrow anyway). Honestly, my body really couldn’t have taken the trip today, and tomorrow is supposed to be good weather anyway, so, it’s not as if I HAD to go today… although it probably wouldn’t have been a bad idea, I might suppose. Still, I bolted at about 10.00 and went directly to the back barn to put the handle on the barn door. WELL!!! THAT was easier thought than done! I tried to make the handle with the old wooden garden stakes. They’re easy enough to saw, easy enough to pound a nail through, but I couldn’t even get a screw through with the power drill! It took the better part of the morning just to get the damned handle! BUT, the handle is on, the door is cut a bit to close over the new steps, there’s a bit of a “latch” to keep the door shut… and when that was done… I climbed the ladder and re-fastened the loose barn-siding! WOOHOO ME! YEAH! and YAY! – i even posted photos of the work… before and after… on FB today. And I notived that there were some rather kind remarks posted by L. onto the FB. Why? I’ve no idea. But they’re there. ANYWAY…. I’d come into the house and B. was home, and arguing with L. about some “Bear” flag that had gotten misplaced (as usual). And tensions were a bit “raised”. (Well shit! Really?) Indeed, Jester now has L’s phone, because it was playing with it, standing there, chirping into matters that are none of its business, so I came into the room to work with some photos of the work that I’d done. As I sat, comparing the back barn last Sept. to today, there came a very quiet knock on the door… so quiet, I didn’t know if it was a knock or Dixie, then the door-knob turned and in came Lyle, rather red-eyed and I thought “Oh… I’m about to take the blame for something…” when he just told me of the troubles of having his house and home all re-orged and how B. gets all bent out of shape with the blame and such. (Nothing that I hadn’t seen all through here, in life in general, etc.) And then came the “interesting” bit:
Lyle says to me, he says: “Is it true you’re thinking of moving away, leaving the house?”
Says I: “What makes you ask that question?”
Says L: “I’ve just had this premonition that you’re leaving. I want you to know that I couldn’t stand the thought of you leaving here.”
Says I: “I’ve boxed my things because it tends to be neater that way. I know where things are… the few that I have.”
Says L: “I used to be like that too. But these days I can’t seem to get to that because things keep disappearing. I’m about ready to simply tell Bob to pack it in and go.”
Says me: “I can understand the feeling.”
Suddenly, there’s a call from out front of the house and L. says:
“I better get down there before anybody gets suspicious.”
Me? I say precious little. Me? I see the trouble… I see different angles and sides of the trouble. Bob’s young. Randy’s younger than Lyle. Lyle’s set in his ways (as are most folks of “a certain age”). Randy’s a moocher, an “advantagist.” one who will take advantage of everything possible and right now, he’s got the advantage of being Bob’s “concubine”, as well as playing on all the “being tossed out in the middle of the night” shit-guilt. Oh… I see that an much, much more… I keep my mouth S.H.U.T. THEY have the drama… I have enough the I need to attend to. And meanwhile… imagine the “premonition”. I must put a check on that.
OK, so that issue jotted. Tonight… VIV!!! Skype and she’s bent on coming down on Saturday so I truly must get my act together tomorrow and get it on the road one way or another. If she wants to go into Williston, I want to get to the Goodwill for some necessities (clothing in particular, shit, and fuck me too much). So… there’s a plot’n’plan here: Franklin to Bedford to St. Albans to Franklin. I have to get smokes, cash and back. From what I see thus far, each leg averages just over 2 hours. So just the travel alone is 6 hours… in 27° weather and on roads I’m not all familiar with. – Oh, and a PS: B. planted the bloody tulip bulbs… in the front flower-bed! 13 blubs, says his count. In the front flower bed! Oh well… in due course, there’ll be no sign of them and next year? I won’t have to see the results. – So… 22.30 an I’m done with this Journal… And… I’M BLOODY EXHAUSTED!!!!!
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Thu.15.May:
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For some un-known reason I feel “empty”, hungry. But… as long as the weather will permit… Off I go, ASAP. – 5.47 Must add: Got caught right up with this this morning. B.’s left for the work, and I made it out and back for a smoke… thankfully, I put WD40 on the screen door… no SQUEEEELZ! The moon was up in the back, the sun is coming up in the front. I’m feeling rather “ick”, my knees are sore and my stomach isn’t all too happy, and the forecast is for HIGH 20’s!!! My navel is sore again. I doused it with bleach last night after the shower. I wonder what’s going on there. The cotton came back with “stuff” on it. But… today there is an “adventure” ahead. There’s much I’d like to do round the place. But it’s “ME” today… yes, again… “ME”. Funny but the border doesn’t open for another 2 hours or so, so I have to wait for that. But I’ll take my time, enjoy the adventure, HOPE LIKE HELL THE BIKE IS IN RUNNING ORDER… and I shall… SHALL enjoy this day! because…Today… is what-ever I want it to be.
20.34 and showered and in bed and ready to murder. I left the house at about 10.00 this morning, stopped (unfortunately) at the PO where I was shown the shit-load of “notes” that will be there for me tomorrow morning. Fuck me, really. I should know better. But it was good I stopped… I have to work on Monday! Good for the income. Miserable for the morale… mine. Then Aline tells me that I’m expected to do more training… in between customers! Tomorrow! Friday! Right! Bull-shit! No pay? No train! Period. (It was one of “those” days and I’m neither amused nor in the mood.) – So, that little episode done, the sky was clear, the “breezes” were blowing and I was on the bike, and on the road, and headed North… in no particular rush. The plan was: Bedford, St.Albans and back. According to the Ggl last night, I was supposed to be able to make the whole trip in just over 3hours… or at least well with-in 4. (It took me EIGHT!) – The travel up to Bedford was AMAZING! The “new” route, up the Morses Line Rd. (where I came across this snake, dead, but curious none-the-less… I have to look this one up)
got me into Bedford in such super time! (Of course, I had a tail-wind… but NO HILLS!) AND… a little covered bridge! The nice lady at les douanes was telling me that there are many covered bridges in the area, and the Pont Groat is actually pretty, small, cute and well maintained! So much more fun going that way. Not to mention, so much easier with-out the hills. – I got into town, went directly to the Métro mart and got 4 packs of smokes today… just because I was there, had the money. Quick, quick. And a stop at the picnic table for a PopTarts and coffee and I was ON THE ROAD AGAIN! Took the very same route back and THAT’S where the day started going to shit! – The WIND was atrocious! It was GOD-AWFUL! NON-STOP! SUSTAINED! Just GUST… STEADY GUST! And the sun got hotter and my face got more burnt and, well, in spite of the nice riding, it was turning miserable! – THEN, TO MAKE MATTER WORSE, THE 2 MORONS AT US COSTUMES! TAKE STUFF OUT OF MY BACK-PACK, SEARCH, QUESTION… THE WHOLE SHIT SCENARIO! FUKTARDZ… THE BOTH OF THEM! It was already 13.00 when i got there… the wind was slowing me down and I still had St.Albans on the agenda! JEEZUSFUCKKINGKRISTE! Well, one thing I did learn is that I’m “allowed” ONE carton (200 cigarettes) per 30-days. “Carton”. Says the little blond idiot boy, they check for “cartons” not packs. In any event… may they go fuck themselves into bloody messes. I’ve not patience for this shit! And I can’t help but think it has something to do with my out-outspokenness on-line. And I don’t give a shit one way or the other. I’ve taken more shit from this God-damned “country” over the course of my “life-time”, let them stick their tongues up my rectum and have a nice lickey-suck! The bloody state of VT is loaded with illegal Mexicans and all sorts of so-called “refugees” who are getting the freebie hand-outs and here I am, trying to make a fucking living and getting NOTHING… just like I got in NYC! Seriously? Blow me! – That said… I headed to the 207… South… the direction the wind was coming from. It would have been a rather nice ride, for the most part, had it not been for the WIND! And.. AND… ALL the way, the STENCH! COW-SHIT! The air here is FULL of it! No matter where one goes, no matter the weather conditions, the ENTIRE region REEKS of nothing but COW-SHIT! AND… at one point in Swanton? Some fuktard was blowing the liquid shit into the air! And of course, it became “aerosol” (as L. puts it) and it got on my FACE AND IN MY EYES! Seriously! There should be a law prohibiting that sort of thing, if there isn’t one already! NASTY! And it occurred to me today: There CANNOT be a need to keep spraying that shit (and that’s exactly what it is) into the ground EVERY year! I joke about it (sort of) but it’s not such a joke: NOTHING IN THE STATE OF VERMONT GROWS IN SOIL ANY MORE… IT’S ALL SOLID COW-SHIT! And it MUST be leeching into the ground water by now, so the water is loaded with it! Honestly, it’s no wonder these people are insane! – Well, the travel into St.Albans went pretty much along the way of MISERY on MISERY! The WIND blew so hard that I had to WALK so much of the route! THEN, as I approached the car dealership jest before the over-pass for the 89? The WIND snapped across a patch of dry land at some farm or another and I got SLAPPED IN THE FACE with grit! A perfect way to end the “necessary” part of the trip. By the time I got into the CU I was FILTHY! – Well, something else occurred to me on my little adventure today: NEFCU refuses to give me a debit card, treating me like some infant-child. The “interest” I get is 4¢ a month… I can find that and more along the road-side! SO! Instead of giving them my income and letting them loan it out at 17% interest, I marched in, asked how much the minimum necessary balance was and, when I heard “5$” I took ALL except the “5$” and some change out! FUKDATSHIT! Now it’s MINE! And they can suck butt. Je m’en câlisse! And from now on? Once per month I’ll go and fetch what-ever gets put in there. (I’m going to have to look into getting a banque account across the border and take MY money OUT of the whole country. May it all rot! Slowly and painfully. Amen.) I mean, even “Becky” the teller made mention (rude bitch) about me getting home and “clean up”. Fine! OUT! On the road… and up the Bushey Rd. to the Heald Rd. and I came back that way this evening. – 
The wind was behind me AT LAST, so the travel was a bit easier. And I took my time for the most part. Truth is, I couldn’t pedal up any … ANY hills at all at this point. I’d been on the road pedalling all damned day and I was exhausted! 4 PopTarts and some coffee mixed with Gatorade (that I’d stopped for in Highgate because I just HAD to have SOMETHING with electrolytes and something COLD to drink by that point). (Note: too bad I’m not on “good” terms with “Cindy” at the PO in Highgate. I could have stopped in to say “Hi”. Right… Fukdatshit too.) – Well… welllll…. when I got into town (Fuklings), I went the “back” way to the store to get rolls, frosting (to have with peanutbutter) and a package of jelly donuts (for the sugar) and another sport drink. I stuffed all but the sport drink into the back-pack and came around the North side of the house to find… Bob… MOWING THE LAWN… WITH THE OLD COLDWELL!!! Seems Curtis came to tell them today that he wants 20$/week to mow the lawn! I lost it… in the back yard… and I yelled “20 bucks!? For WHAT? He sits and rides round the fucking place on his fucking white arse and he wants 20$ for that? What the fuck is WRONG with people around here?” Then I looked at L. and told him that the timing was bad… that I was in no mood at present to be “polite”… and then I told them both about the customs, the wind, the shitmist, etc. But I DO HAVE TO HAND IT TO BOB! It took him an hour to get just the back from the house to the back edge of the barn done. And it was MISERABLY HOT today! AND THE BLACK FLIES!!! I MEAN… WOAH SHIT! But he did it! (I’d like to know what prompted it. But…. it’s not done… I’ll have some work to do… of course.) – Well, we stood and talked until we couldn’t take the black flies any longer and we came in. Bob showered… then I showered… Then I came into the room to make my peanut-butter and frosting sandwiches on rolls. THIS DAY WAS OVER! AT LONG LONG LONG LAST! – This evening, a brief Skype with VIV! She seemed pre-occupied. She asked about the trip, commented that it was quite long, mentioned that she was looking at the Gazette on-line and that her computer was operating slowly. When I told her that I had to work tomorrow… by about 21.20 we were off-line. Short, but we communicated. (And nothing more mentioned about Saturday… so maybe it’ll be a “no go”. Not that I particularly mind.) – 22.14 I’ve had my smokes. It’s miserably hot in the room tonight. I didn’t have any teas because of the heat. And the air coming in through the windows? COW-SHIT! My face burns. My back itches. My navel is infected again. My arse an knees are a bit sore but not too bad. But it’s been one HELL of a day! And i glanced at tomorrow’s forecast: HOTTER YET! This is TOO TOO much heat TOO TOO soon! Oh well… .no to figure how to sleep (with-out turning on a fan). – That’s that. There are photos to up-load and such, but I’ll wait until tomorrow for that. Meanwhile…. according to “Ggle”, today’s travels:
Franklin-Bedford: 22,4km (13,9mi) – 1h6min
Bedford-NEFCU: 38,5km (23,9mi) – 2h9min
NEFCU-Franklin: 26,5km (16,5mi) – 1h31min
The whole trip: 87,4km (54,3mi)
SHOULD have taken: 4h46min
DID take: 8 hours!!!
WHAT a ROYAL FUCK!
22.27 Goodfuckingnight WORLD! (How I dread tomorrow… hot office, nasty people. But tomorrow I go in with even MORE reason to despise these …. “people”… 20$ to mow the bleating lawn. Arse-turd!)
Fri.16.May: 6.16 How I want to go back to sleep! Just go back to sleep! Hot already this morning. Well, I suppose it was bound to happen. 22° with heat index of 27° at this hour! I just want to go back to sleep, but in moments, the day “begins”. A bit restless last night. Couldn’t get comfortable in the bed. Heat. But the forecast is for thunder storms after 14.00 today. May the town of Fukline… well… enough said on that matter. It’s time for a gulp of coffee and MAYBE a quick “rinse” shower. I don’t even give a shit about that this morning. I don’t care if I “offend” (I showered before bed last night… that should be MORE than enough for this place). – I must remember: Today is what-ever *I* want it to be.
Fri.16.May: 20.42 Had an Early Grey and now backing with a NightyNight tea and a bit of Skype with VIV (who will not be coming tomorrow… didn’t I figure that out yesterday with all the pedalling? WOW! I AM quite the psychic! I just never give me enough credit. But… yeah, I’m only a bit disappointed. I’d even straightened and tidied the room a bit this evening. Oh well. And I was a little hopeful that I might be able to get to the market for coffee at least, and maybe get a pair of jeans or something at Goodwill. But as I say, even though I did a bit of “straightening” I actually knew. Oh well. I’ll just have to hope for some diversion tomorrow. If the weather’s OK, I’ll finish mowing the yard. If not… perhaps I’ll actually get to paint the ducks or something “creative”. Not that I’m in any mood for “creative”… I should do the oars, the ducks, maybe something with the sap buckets… I’m just not in the right frame of mind for any of it. And then there’s the mowers… Well. That’s all tomorrow. – Meanwhile… TODAY! A WONDER! QUITE A WONDER! – It actually began with me not wanting to get up at 5.00, followed by waking at 5.20 and NOT being in a mood to be bothered with the PO. So I tossed the photos in here which took most of the time and when it was time to shower… I didn’t even bother. Brushed my teeth and headed out the door. – -22.38 Finally in bed! Wind blowing. flags fluttering. Wind chimes clanging. But the night is cool… much cooler than last night. And I haven’t showered… all day… and don’t give a shit either. – So this morning I pulled my-self into the office by 7.10. Thankfully, the mail was quite light! I truly did NOT want to be there today. Just not “into” it today. But I had a wonderful talk with Gena about life on the border. She truly enlightened me about much. Seems even in her own yard, a Brasiian was discovered, a few Mexicans who, when they were discovered hiding in a swamp on the property could only yell “New York City!” There was a case of cash found along the road. And 2 guys from Texas were busted trying to fetch some illegals. She says it doesn’t happen often but when it does, it’s quite the thing! So, she claims that Border Patrol really does have quite a job up here. Me? I still think of them as being pompous arse-holes and always will think of them that way. – So… the day went along and it did so like clock-work. It really was quite the morning. And then came the “break” during which I’d planned to count my drawer, do my “mandatory training” that was supposed to take 30 minutes (and too 64 fucking minutes!), and I’d hoped to stroll over to the market to get SOMETHING to eat (since I’d brought the last 2 jelly donuts and had them in the morning). But… alas… the bloody “training” took so long and the only thing I accomplished, whilst waiting for one “slide” to move along was to get my finger-nails filed a bit. Oh well. Next thing I knew… 14.00 and time to re-open. And so I did… again, none too pleased. Still… it was going easy. – Got the afternoon mail out fine and all was going well. I even DID count my drawer! 7$ and change OVER! – Toward the end of the day, somebody came in to post a flat and the cost was 6,22$… AND SHE GAVE ME TWO 2$ BILLS! THANKFULLY, I HAD THE CASH TO EXCHANGE THEM! SO, I GRABBED THE 2’s AND THE ONE KENNEDY HALF AND PUT 5$ INTO THE TILL. Hey! I even made a deposit today! – By 16.15, my preliminary paper-work was done, the truck came and left on time and… by 16.45 I was back at the house! – I walked in just as Jester was removing the “one” pizza for “their” dinner. Well, looks like they’re saving on the food bill now that I’m no longer eating “their” food. AND… not being invited to dine, as a rule. But I got t truly SUPER welcome from Dixie! And that makes all the difference in the world to me. – I came up to the room, got myself a bit settled and sat to have 2 peanut-butter/frositngs on rolls. The pizza smelled so much better, but we eat what we have. (And I toyed with the notion of having pizza, or at least enjoying a hot, prepared meal tomorrow… but that’s not going to happen… oh well… me and food… not to happen.) – A note however: B. and Jester were out in the yard when I went down for a smoke and as soon as I walked out the back door, their conversation stopped… dead silent. Hmmm…. Just noting. But I got blamed for the rain that had started falling lightly. Hell, yes, I have grass that needs the water so? – Another NOTE! It appears that Dixie is rather out of breath these past 2 days! NOTHING WRONG OR BAD HAD BETTER HAPPEN TO HER!!!!! My heart won’t take that shit! – OK. back up to the room where I “cleaned” the carpet with the roll of packing tape… just to get the surface clean… in case VIV was to come down tomorrow. I wasn’t “planning” on it and…. It was about 20.00 something when I connected to Skype, ready to say “Good-night” and there she was… VIV! I had an Earl Grey tea earlier because I was in the mood and then was having a NightyNight, to take the edge off. Well, as we Skyped she told me she won’t be coming tomorrow. See? I “KNEW” some-how, all day. But we chatted a bit until almost 21.30 when I got so tired. W signed off and I went down for a last smoke of the day. – Passing the parlour, only L. and Jester are there, watching a Johnny Depp film. Had I the day off tomorrow, I’d have joined them this evening. But I’m truly tired and again, not really looking forward to going into that office. But it’s time and money… Now, all I have to think about is getting up on time in the morning, tomorrow. – And so… 22.51 and the wind still whipping, flags still fluttering, chimes still clanging and my eyes are shutting. This day is DONE! It’s been a rather tough 2 days… and now? I get to look forward to a week-end… with…I should very much like to go HOME… and die. (And it seems the bass and such are up on the TV… RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE at this hour..)
Sat.17,May: 5.50 I’m awake and feeling quite dragged, my navel is SORE and almost raw (from the bleach x2 days that wasn’t showered off yesterday) and it’s raining. How charming… yes… because the grass I’d planted needs the water, but that’s going to make mowing the rest of the yard much more difficult. Oh well… Fukit. And that’s my morning attitude. – 22.55 MUCH later than I’d wanted to be in bed… but I’m in bed AND SHOWERED! Not that it means much… the linens are in need of a wash. But… – It’s rather quite chilly tonight. The barn thermo reads 40°F at the moment. Indeed… back in the North Country. I’m not complaining…. not about the weather. It turned rather nice during the day. – I got into the office at about 7.20, just as the truck was leaving. The volume was a bit on the “high” side but some-how, it all went really quite well indeed! AND… when I got in this morning, a PostIt: “EXCELLENT JOB JUDE! THANK YOU.” from Aline! WOW! Precious little else in the world could have meant more to me… especially since I’m really not feeling all too “secure” at this job. But WOW! AND… a copy of an e-mail from Highgate: Would I work a week in E. Fairfield! OK. So the commute on the bike is just oer 2 hours… I’ll have to try it and see for myself. it will mean leaving the house at 5.00 for the week and then sitting there for the 5 hours during the day… then not getting back to the house until about 18.30 each night… and I’ll have to HOPE with my ALL that the weather holds and remains good. It’s only 4 hours each day. But HEY! I’ve been asked to cover 2other offices and now THIS! Indeed… the hours. (Now, if only I could get a CAR! I looked at Craigslist this evening. There are some out there. I can only hope that by the time I have the money, I can find the car!) – The day went right along and amazingly, I got all the paper-work done by 11.35! I was back in the house BEFORE noon! Not that that makes any difference toward the “good”. Time-wise, yes. But… I came in, made a mug of hot “nugget” cereal, checked to see if there was any word from VIV… nothing. Browsed a bit on the Internet and then, from about 13.00 to 15.00, I napped. When I woke from the “nap”, I’d drooled onto the pillow case… chocolate from the last PopTart! Hopefully it will wash out… on Monday, which is the earliest I’ll be able to make a wash. – Woke from the nap, grabbed the filthy clothes from the floor, put them on and went out the door… to the back yard. MOWED the grass behind the back barn! LONG, and wet. it was a struggle! But it got done, And I had Dixie with me all the while. She LOVES being out-doors! Just being out of the house makes her a happier little thing and I have to admit, I LUV having there there with me. We moved to the bush on the side of the house where I clipped and sawed and such the dead branches, and I clipped the “suckers” and cleaned under it. Hopefully it will help it recover from the ice-fall of the Winter. The next bit was to clip out the dead branches on the “roses” as well. So now, things look cleaner and such. – I can’t help but think of Curtis. I’ll bet he put the price on the mowing because he, and most likely MOST of this shit-town believes that there’s much money in this house. Ah… how I truly do HATE this town! I truly MUST get the fuck out of here. What a bunch of pompous, selfish, self-serving pricks. It’s just disgusting all round. – Clipping done and the clippings brought down to the back… over the un-mowed lawn which is now FULL of dandelions, returned to the mowing for as much as I could do. The grass is a bit wet, the mower doesn’t grab….there isn’t enough tread on the wheels. Oh well. But the greatest part?? As I mowed, I had the music playing: “Chant Sacré”! Repeatedly! Hell! It was singing my exact feelings on the entire situation and all I could think of is: Let somebody complain!!! I’m in the mood to take the town down! – When I finally couldn’t mow any more, I went into the barn for a smoke and B. came out to the back… for something, I don’t know what, exactly. And in the chat he said something about getting a push-mower… with engine and I said something about contacting FranMitzvahCircle for some help in getting a mower and something about “CrowdFuding”. I told him that she’d wanted to send me a “package” and I told her that I appreciated it but that there were others who are in greater need and B. says “We just got something like that. Bruce and Penny just bought us a second car.” My response was “You can’t mow a lawn with a car. But then, maybe you can… hook the mowers to the front and… “ I was making light of an issue that truly… well… imagine how fortunate to have somebody… ANYBODY to fall back on! Imagine that! I’m neither envious nor jealous… BITTER? Hellyeah. Fuck ME! Eh? Never, nobody, in any situation… OK. Perhaps save the fact that I’m not living on the streets nor in the woods… but I’m enslaved…. there always… ALWAYS a PRICE to be paid! Never any simply “HELP”. Oh well… it is as it is. And B. pranced back into the house… to eat. – When I got in at last the 3 of them were beached on the furniture, watching TV and rather making a point of repeating the fact that they’d had “Mexican food” for dinner this evening. Me? I came to the room for 2 Ramen noodles and some peanut-butter. Totally fukdatshit. – Popped a message off to VIV on Skype. I’m saddened that I didn’t get to see her today. But I’m sure that there was something that she wasn’t saying that prohibited her from making the trip. And, let’s face it, I’m not in the best of moods anyway so best she doesn’t see me at present. – After that, I went out for a smoke… Jester and B. were there… drinking. B offered me 2 slices of apple and a cherry from the Burboun mix they’d made and then… when I came in, HE offered “there’s more apple, more cherries and more juice…” and Jester added “and the Cokes in the refrigerator and there’s ice in the freezer.” Ah right… yes, I’d have LUVD and drink tonight! But… “You owe us a lot of money!” keeps ringing out and… no… me drinking is not in my own best interest at this juncture because, well… there are too, TOO many SERIOUS DAEMONS lurking that I don’t want surfacing. I simply went to the shower… a much-needed shower. – After browsing only a bit, on the topic of “Manure Pits” I went out for a last smoke… – 23.15 I MUST get to sleep! The mattress warmer is on tonight. Imagine… cold again. But at least it’s not blustry snows and ice and minus temperatures. – It would be a delight to get to Richford tomorrow, not for any particular reason other than to get back to town, just to be there and not here. But we’ll have to see how the weather is. For now… sleep… time to end this damned day…. this DAMNED day indeed….
Sun.18.May: Woke at 6.56 from a DREAM:
I was in a house with some other guys, a nice house, large, very nice, clean, contemporary. I was part of the group residing in the house and yet, I wasn’t… a “third wheel:” of sorts, as it were. We were sitting on the stairs and they were planning on some sort of “sex toy party” where they were going to demo this plastic gadget of sorts that, when lubed and placed round the penis and slowly pulled off was supposed to give a great deal of pleasure. I looked at it and couldn’t quite figure how it would work since it was plastic and shaped much like a Greek “key”. But I was interested… in the gadget and some of the guys as well. But I was hesitant,and quite shy. I was also quite cynical, thinking the thing won’t work as “promised” and that it was just some gimmick to hard-sell something for the money and the buyer would simply be left with a useless bit of stuff, unable to return it, because of the nature of the item. Still, I thought I’d give it a try and was looking forward to joining them at their “demo”. But I had to check on somebody, some female, my sister. She was in the building… the house, attending some sort of college or some sort of academics… in the “house” in the building. The building was HUGE, more like a college building than a “house”. I wasn’t responsible for the female but I felt a sense of responsibility for her safety and welfare. So I walked round the halls looking for her. When I got word from some of the other “students” that she was fine, studying for her “finals”, I returned to the “kitchen” where the party had begun, way off at one end, but as I started toward the guys, suddenly, there were MANY people in the room! An adult woman came to me as I stood at the sink, looking, from a distance, toward the “party” in the corner, and told me she’d come for a drink. I opened the cold water tap in the sink and she told me, sarcastically “I’m not here for THAT! I’m here for the GOOD STUFF!” and she glanced toward the party and I understood that she wanted liquor. So I poured a very tall glass of water for her and tried to make my way toward the guys. I got distracted, intercepted, as it were, by MANY other people, all sorts of people, male and female. It became more of a “dinner party” with so many attendees. I didn’t understand where all these people came from, how they’d been invited, I wondered if they were part of the original party. Still, I had to leave to go check on my sister so I manoeuvred my way out of the kitchen and into the next room which was packed full of so many people, eating and drinking and talking and such. When I finally got out of the “house” I was in a very large area, grey granite pillars and such. A bit like a castle, or some very large college. There were many young people walking about, laughing and talking about their exams. I notice some younger fellow, (he very much resembles Chris Markpopolis!) and I told him that I had an errand to run and asked him to join me. He did and we left the building, en route to some-where non-specific. We were crossing a “field” of very tall grasses. Tall grass and thick, thick enough to support our body-weight. I made approaches toward him but he was rather shy and bashful. Still, at one point, we got carried along by the grasses and laid on them, rolling about on them and then were “rolled” into them so that we couldn’t be seen. As we rolled about, we talked about ages. He said he was 16. And then, just as we both “rolled” into the grasses, lower, he reached for me and I could feel his hand only just touching my penis. When I decided to reciprocate, he would let me! And with that, we were rolled back up to the top of the grasses and could see the streets, tree-lined and wet with water, slightly flooded. Once out of the grasses and on the sidewalk, he went away and I went back to the “house” which had expanded into a veritable university, grey granite walls and ceilings and maroon granite floors. There were people all over the place! I was alone. I walked down some stairs to a lower level where there were young children eating all sorts of candies and such. There was an over-abundance of candies and sweets for the little ones, and little “stores”, like the boutique stores in an indoor shopping mall, all full of candies and children! I walked along at a quick pace, hoping to get back to the original party and as I walked I passed a lottery stand, magazines and that sort of thing. A young woman appeared in the hall-way and I asked what she was doing there (Jeannine Bradley). She too was a student at the university. But we were heading toward the party anyway. We decided to run through the granite hall. It was polishes, we could glide along and there was a wind blowing as well, so we almost soared across the floors, running and almost floating, as it were. When I finally got back into the “house”, there were so many people! I got to a place where there were all sorts of dessert-type foods and one in particular was something that I wanted to try. Apparently it was quite the favourite of the majority, something rich, creame-cheese something, and every-one was praising it, saying that it was delicious, rich, “and it has nuts in it!” But by the time I got to where it was, there was none, so I tried something different, something that resembled some sort of “flan”. Not what I’d wanted but delicious none-the-less. I wasn’t pleased that I’d had to take something other and that there wasn’t even enough of that. As I looked up, a “truck”, more like a “train”… several trailors attached together, had arrived, each one was a part of even MORE of the party, each trailor was it’s own concession! And, as a quick side-glance I noted a “Gay” flag sticker on one. “Anything for over-kill in the line of being impressive.” I thought. I wanted to head back to the original “party”, what I thought was supposed to be the purpose of all of this, the party in the kitchen, and somebody said that my sister had disappeared and that we had to go look for her. So I HAD to leave AGAIN! When I got to the centre hall of the building, a group of college-aged kids came by and one Asian-sort of girl told me that she, my sister, was fine, that she had just gone out with some other kids to attend some other party they were having to celebrate the end of their exams. I was relieved to know that my sister was OK but disappointed because I kept missing the guys and the party that was being held in the back corner of the kitchen.
I went for my smoke. Cold this morning. Clear skies. I had a shit-emergency! Acrid! Down-stairs. (8.04 need a bit of a nap… Really feeling drained and out of it all this morning.) – 10.52 and just getting back to continue with this. The house here is awake. The dogs are all in an up-roar. When I’d come in from my smoke at 8.00, I HAD to stop in the loo down-stairs! My guts are churning this morning and yes, I HAD to take a shit! Immediately. By the time I got back up to the bed, I was feeling weak, tired and out of sorts, so I went back to sleep. But I laid in this bed until just moments ago when I got up to pee, prepare a mug of Earl Grey and go for a smoke. Ah… THEN, so much to my delight (give me a gun!) I walked out of the room and into the hall-way. Jester was in the loo, the others are awake and down-stairs and Mexishit looks at me and IMMEIDATELY GOES INTO BARKING! L. comes to the stairs to see what’s going on and when I got down-stairs to the kitchen, there, L. says “Going out?” “Obviously so, with the alarms going off and all. God forbid one should have to go to the bathroom or what… every frigiginfucking day.” said I. I don’t give a shit any more. That bull-shit of the howling Mexishit needs to GO! And more so? I NEED TO GET THE JOLLY ACTUAL FUCK THE HELL OUT OF THIS ASYLUM! – As I’m typing to catch-up with this, I hear B. as Jester “Are you OK?” FUKDATSHIT! Really! The 3 who do nothing are so concerned that they’re OK? Blow my colon! Or something to that effect. – Today is what-ever *I* want it to be… and I NEED to get the fuck out of this place and away!!!! (And I have to remember that I have to work tomorrow… so nothing too, too strenuous… as it were… as if it makes any difference. As I thought yesterday: Should anything untoward happen to me, THEN the efforts and such will be known… if anybody cares to ask how things happened. But, in accordance with my general existence… nothing will happen at any “opportune” moment and/or nothing at all will ever bring any of this to the light of anybody. I work… I work… and that’s all there is to it. As Mum always said: There are no thanks… move along because there will always be more that needs to be done. – Meanwhile, I’ll have my tea and clench my anus to keep from shitting my lungs out… and then, out to the front flower-bed. There’s more lawn to be mowed but… – Continuing…. Sun.18.May: (On Mon.19.May 6.21) It was quite the day! I don’t think I got out of the bed until about 13.00. And I don’t know why I bothered even at that. But the sky was clear and the day was cool. The sun gave just enough warmth to counter the coolness of the breezes. Of course, immediately, there was something to be done and… out the door and into the barn and out to the front of the house… The flower-beds needed attending! And how! Wow! So I brought the little hand tools and a plastic bucket and away I went… There were GROUPS of bikers from HOME today. I truly want to figure a way to get my music out there so I don’t have to use the ear-buds. Wouldn’t that be a laugh-riot! Indeed! And today, all day, I just had the worst attitude toward this town. But… all told in all honesty: j’men câlisse. – It didn’t take too long to do the flower-bed AND I even did the gutter today. All the little trees and shit are gone, as is the road dirt. I’m happy about that. And then, moving along, as usual, I got to the back as well. Cleaned round the bleeding hearts. Not much work on those, just a quick over with the dirt rake and they too, look nice. AND… today, for the most part, I had “M’Dixie” with. She’s so happy being out-of-doors and franchemnent, I do luv having her with. It makes her happy and that’s what makes me happy as well. – A “Funny” today: At one point I got the notion and came back into the house… went’ on-line and on FB, did a little “dedication” to the town of Fukin… “Chant Sacré”! Indeed I did. I was thinking that somebody from HOME would see it and comment. As it turned out, Vicki (H) actually did a “LIKE”! Ah-HAH! If she only knew. But then again… nobody who doesn’t actually KNOW what the song is would find it delightful. And so… she did. HAHAHAH! MARDE! MÉCHANTS!DÉCALLISE! – Proud moment: As I was attacking another section of the grass with the Coldwell mower, B. came out back… HE TOOK PICTURES of me mowing… AND he posted them to FB! But that’s not THE moment. THE moment is that he took the Coldwell and went over what I’d already done… which truly is needed, with the grass being so high, and as he did, I went into the barn and got ANOTHER MOWER WORKING! Not that it does too much good because the grass is already much too high for those old mowers, but I got it working! HEY! I’m pretty fucking proud of me! An “accomplished” day! Hey! – This evening, I went to the market and got 3 ice creams, a tin of soup and a container of “coconut pecan” “frosting” I had the ice creams and then cleaned the North flower-bed, and put a board up for the bikers to sit on the little wall. I want to do a “Bienvenue Bicyclistes” sign for there. I know, so well, what it’s like to need a place to sit for a spell. So… Fukkem here! I’ll put a place for them… right there. – Anyway, I had the soup, gulped down, in the back barn this evening. Then, the frosting shit, on a roll… I had only one left…. and then proceeded to finish the container. If there’s even the slightest possibility that I have any diabetes.. one of these days… POUF! GONE! Fine. – This evening… VIV on SKYPE! It was rather late when I signed-on but there she was. She has the day off tomorrow… It’s rather like the Canadian version of the US “Memorial Day” (which, by the way.. is next Monday! Fuk! Time is flying by here! Also to note on that… the garden int he back? NOTHING! The flats on the porch! Nothing more than the 2. And Jester, SO full of shit: “I’m going to plant the other 4 on the week-end…” Fukking lazy fags.. I must say.) ANYway… VIV and I video-Skyped for HOURS (as we do). She was having the last of the vodka from Easter (how I envy that). During the tchat she mentioned something about not wanting to be in the house here because she’s pissed that I’m being taken advantage of. When I told her of the work in E. Fairfield she said that the very least that could be done until I get a car is to put the bike in the trunk and bring me at least TO work! Said she, she won’t come into the house because she feels the urge to “put them up against a wall”/ SOMEBODY CARES! I don’t want her to DO anything… but SOMEBODY CARES! – Well, it was a delight to be able to tchat with her today… it certainly makes it all wonderful for me… to see her and talk with her. And I learnt so much… apparently Gaetan was quite “well off” for most of his life and now, he’s been with-out work for some 15 months and it’s quite difficult for he and Dan. Well, as I told VIV: these days aren’t easy for me either. But we must learn to be as we are. The “old days” are very much … fukkingGONE! – Well… me, being the irresponsible one… the conversation went well past mid-night tonight. Not good on a night before work. And yes, VIV kept telling me that it was time to cut the call. But… it’s good seeing her and talking and being back. OH… and she too had been trying to find me for many years… as we agreed… If I don’t want to be found, I’m rather good at keeping out of the way. (I might start to return to that… soon.) – All told… it was quite a nice day. Now, I’ll have to ponder this dream thing…. I know part of it… my “Repression” issues. But other than that, this would probably be something fun to work with. I know there’s a great deal of resentment in it. It’s the BITTERNESS….
Mon.19.May: 6.21 A rahter fitful sleep last night. I woke this morning at about 4.00 with a dry-throat cough that wouldn’t stop. I wasn’t sleeping well before that anyway, but apparently it was after that hour that I fell into real sleep because I didn’t hear the alarm this morning at 5.00! BOLTED awake at 6.00 this morning and almost had a heart-attack! But, right now, my head feels like a cinder block, but I’ve had my pee (in the bottler), coffee,prepped coffee for work and have had my smoke. Today, I am thankful that the sun is shining and that it does so right in through the window… other-wise… I’d probably still be asleep. Thankfully too, I don’t “MUST” be in the office until 7.30… and these are the kinds of mornings when being right round the corner from work is a blessing. – Now… to yesterday’s notes. – WHEW! – 6.53 Caught-up and time to shower and GTAFO of this mad-house… I hear “stirring” across the hall. Figures. That tapette is going to get into the loo. Oh well… time… TIME! FUKME! And… – THIS DAY IS WHAT-EVER I WANT IT TO BE. – 21.17 In bed AT LAST!!! SHOWERED AT LAST!!! Off my legs, feet and back… AT LAST!!! The day is done… AT FUCKING LAST!!! – it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. I got to the office about 7.20 and Gena showed shortly there-after. The volume wasn’t as bad as I’d expected, although, it was MUCH more than a Saturday. I think/believe I did well today. All the reports are fine. All of the mail is out. (I left the flag up… tough shit.) I got everything done on time. Even to the deposit! Strolled to the store for “lunch” (2 cheese sandwiches and coffee today!). (Had a tin of Progresso chicken noodle soup when I got in… with a roll.) And… I HATE this town! But I was out by about 17.00 because the last report didn’t up-load to the system in a timely fashion. But… no trouble, that. – When I got into the house, L. was on the phone with his sister about their new car. Makes me wanna hallah, throw up both my nuts. But… none of my business. I came up to the room and decided to take Ms.Dixie out for a bit and whilst out, decided to try to mow the already mowed part of the yard, to see how difficult it will be in future… NOT BAD AT ALL! Did NOT mow over where the dog shit is, however… How interesting: how some people are SO bloody-fucking lazy that they can’t pick up dog shit! Even from their own dog! BUT they’ll complain when another dog shits in the yard. AND… (Jester) will whine about 3 or 4 black flies whilst others (me) will be out there in a full SWARM, mowing the grass. Oh well… money, car, flat, out. I don’t eat, seldom use the washer/dryer, small light bulbs for a bit at night (and not in the morning now), no heat in the room all Winter… shoveled snow, chopped ice, gardened, maintained flower beds, mowed the lawn… OK. Who’s going to lose out? – Chat with B. who says they’re getting a new credit card and when they do, he’s going to get a lawn mower… push, but rotary. Of course, the next “problemme” in the house will be “We can’t afford the gas for the mower.” I FEEL it already. But hey! Cuntis wants 20$ to ride his White arse about the place, I just did it with the reel mower, and put in a HELL of a LOT more work round here. Let’s see how much the work is actually worth… (Nothing… I already know that… they’re “entitled”. Et pis? J’men câlisse, moi.) – No VIV tonight! I hope she’s OK. She was OK last night. But I now worry again… but at least now I worry and I get to see and chat with her!!! That’s the important part. – Well, the day and lack of proper sleep is finally starting to settle in. Tomorrow’s plan is for a wash in the morning and a trip to Enosburgh after. I’ll be needing coffee and such very soon (and will NOT be spending more FS at the Fuklin Mkt! One day during the week I have to try the trip into E.Fairfield!!! On the bike!!! Hopefully it won’t be TOO TOO bad. I’d like to hope that I can leave here at 5.00 and still make it there on time to open at 7.30. But we shall, indeed, see. – Meanwhile, time to “browse” the media, finish the tea, go for last smoke and get some SLEEP! – The day wasn’t half-bad at all. Not at all…
Tue. 20.May: 8.12 2nd wash in. First got split for line and dryer. L. is awake in the parlour and of course, Jester is asleep. I just need one set of clothing for the road today. Probably a trip to Enosburgh. I’m on the “reserve” coffee jar! Things are running out. I don’t want to make the trip to the market today. I’d like, very much, to do a day of “nothing”. I wonder what that would be like… it’s been so long… so very, very, long. But, there are no days of “nothing”…. no days of “nothing”. – The sun is shining. It’s supposed to be a whole day of such. And the sun coming in the window is warm. So? So…. I’m tired. – Rain to come this week. Just the thought of it has made me ill. With the rain comes the growing of the grass and with that, the stress and strain of mowing. No, I don’t MUST do the lawn. But in a way, I feel I should. Hell! Imagine… a bit of rain in the forecast and my body aches already. I don’t know how much more of this I’m going to with-stand. And there’s a week of 5am biking over 40km. When, oh when, will this body just snap? I can’t wait. – 19.46 Quite Painful. Waking from a “nap” at 16.00 when I got back from the PO. This morning, I got the laundry done… ALL of it! Even put most of it out on the line and with-in a matter of a couple of hours, it was ALL dry! That kind of day. – Having done that, it was about 11.30 so the PO was closed and I wanted to drop by and hear the “Wonderful… but…” so I busied me in the back with the mowers and… AND.. got the grass mowed to the garden-line! Nice and squared-off! At last! BUT….
IMMEDIATELY after finishing the grass, I SUDDENLY became SO TIRED! MAJOR FATIGUE! And a bit of NAUSEA. I wanted to just SLEEP and VOMIT! And WEAK all over… ACHY to the touch, as in FEVER or something. My hands went COLD… and still are, and I was CHILLED through to the BONE! The sun was quite warm today and only the slightest chill to the breeze, but not matter what, I just COULD NOT GET WARM! And now, EIGHT HOURS LATER… I STILL CAN’T GET WARM, AND THE PAIN IN MY LEFT ARM AND HAND IS HORRID. I’M STILL ACHY FROM HEAD TO, QUITE LITTERALLY, TOE. (and at 19.58 some shit-dick-faggot in the house has decided it’s time to hammer! I WANT AND NEED SO MUCH TO GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE AND AWAY FROM THIS TOWN!
I wanted, so much, to get into Enosburgh today. I’m down to the last jar of coffee, I need vitC ad perhaps, a sun-block. FOOD! I need FOOD as well. But I just couldn’t! It was all I had to put the mowers away today. I came into the house, past L. who asked what was wrong and when I said I didn’t know… I mean, really! Why do fucking people ask when obviously they don’t give a shit? OK. I came up to the room and laid across the bed for the longest while and then made an Earl Grey hoping that would help.. It didn’t. But, but by 14.30 I was at the PO, feeling as if I was about to simply buckle and pass the fuck out. The news from Aline was quite good. Of course, not perfect because I must have been, I don’t know, I transposed box numbers on parcels! Only 2 of them. But still… NOT PERFECT! FUCKI ME! FUCK MY FUCKED-UP LIFE! – Walked back to the house and sat for a while on the swing in the back yard… SO RIDDLED WITH FATIGUE! AND PAIN! Too late to go to Enosburgh today so… into the house where, when I came in and waved, the comment was “He’s home!” (Franchement… “home”.) to which I replied “He’s going to bed.” and they chuckled. That was at about 16.00. – Since the bed linens are clean and I’m not, I’ve put the sleeping back into “sleeping bag” configuration and am sleeping in that tonight. It’s warm… albeit not warming me at all… At 20.10 I’m still bitter cold even to the bones in my fingers! I just finished a Ramen with only a bit of the seasoning (salt) and I have to say, it was PAINFUL opening the noodle package, opening the seasoning, holding the bloody mug and… it’s quite painful typing this.
MELT-DOWN?
BURN-OUT?
Tomorrow I have to get the garbage out of the room. Later I hope to try for Enosburgh again. Then… then? HOME! Hey! At the rate THIS shit feels, it’s time to get serious about finding a place back HOME… soon… SOON-SOON!
Wed.21.May: 10.33 Feeling just so tired and a little achy in the head and neck. Just the tiniest bit nauseated. And this is pretty good… considering all night last night! BITTER FREEZING COLD CHILLS! SHIVERING ALL NIGHT! THE SUDDEN FITS OF HAVING TO VOMIT! (But I didn’t.) – Strangest part of last night’s illness is the bits that I can recall which were the two times i had to vomit. The first time, as I stuck my head over the garbage bin, I thought: If I can get the translation of this card, I’ll be OK… then the nausea went away and I thought: Oh good, now it’s done. I can get some sleep now. A moment later I was nauseated again and the thought came that I’d already gotten the translation so I should be fine! A bit of nausea but I put my head on the pillow (with 2 hoods up… and THREE sweat shirts on and me wrapped in the sleeping bag), I dozed until….. BANG! I’d no sooner started to doze back off and NAUSEA! THIS time I thought I needed to find the English translation of the card! The first vomit was for the French translation… the second was for the English, and I have NO idea what the “card” was for. But it seems that after the 2 fits of dry heaves… I’m OK. So…. It must have been about 2.00 this morning when I finally put the over-bed light on so that I could be certain to puke into the trash. Twice, the saliva built and I was sure something was coming. Just saliva. But the PAIN in the GUT! I’m still wondering what the hell happened. – But, if coffee settles well, I’m off to Enosburgh. I don’t know what I’ll get as far as food is concerned… Hopefully they have my coffee. Then Rite Aide for some vitC and something for my face.- The fags have the car today. It’s been parked out front since 7.00. – Well… Time to put this day on the road… literally. –
17.46 38km… about 7 hours,,,, in bed… SHOWERED… i MADE IT!!! ENOSBURG and back! Hannaford’s for 2 coffees, 2 PopTarts and an Arizona Ice Tea mix (BFD). Then… to Ace Hardware where they didn’t have the grinding paste that I’d wanted.. BUT I BOUGHT THE JEANS! 32×36! (And when I tried them on when I got into the house… the 32 is a bit “large”! truly, truly… fuck me!) Then… down to RiteAid for aspirin, vitC, more Neutrogena for the face and a 2nd bottle of sports drink. Before leaving RiteAid, I gulped 2 aspirin with the remainder of the 1st sports drink and… headed to McD’s! A BigMac and small fries! I ATE! I mean.. I even ATE! I took my time getting to Enosburg, I took my time IN Enosburg and I sure as shit took my time coming back from Enosburg. And it made the trip all worth the effort. – It was rather a bit painful… stomach still not “right” and my head and shoulders were, and still are, a bit sore. I’d still like to know WTF happened yesterday and last night with that sickness, because that was SICKNESS! But the point of the matter of the day and date is: I made it! I made it out of the house with-out any bullshit (I have NO idea where anybody was when I left this morning because the house was completely silent and the beds were empty… and the car was parked out front of the house. But I MADE IT! – On the road today, a thought: I travel… and cost nothing in gas… I mow the lawn and cost nothing in gas… I work the yard and gardens and cost nothing in tools, supplies, labour. Yeah… the house is benefiting form me. And me? Jack-shit-fuck-all. But… that’s just the way it is… some things’ll never change. (As I look at the 2 out of 4 flats that were “seeded” and then I look at the garden out back… Too much “work” to poke seeds into peat or to sit and pull a weed. Wastes… and I learn more on how I don’t ever want to be. Better to die on the road, than to ask for… anything, from anybody. – 18.00 steeping a NightyNight tea. Had 2 PopTarts. I might try for a smoke before bed… hopefully they won’t make it back before I make it to bed. But…. I MADE IT!!! today… on my own. FTW! SERIOUSLY!
Thu.22.May: 5.37 Up at 4 but slept til 5.00. And as up to see the 2 leave together this morning, J’m’en câlisse. Frenchement là! Tu me niaise? I mean: Don’t let him NEAR the car! Sacrement! Mais, voyons. C’est tu possible? Ca ce peut tu? Eh bin. – Another day begins. – Feeling rather “OK”. Just a little put out because the border doesn’t open until 8.00. Today… if the clouds are held at bay… BEDFORD… HOME! And it will be another day of taking my time. There are things I’d like to do round the ‘home’, like giving the lawn a once-over before the rains, a bit of painting and such. But… ME FIRST NOW! Yesterday, on FB, B. posted a double photo of me mowing the lawn. I’m not sure what that’s all about, but somebody commented on “get goats and put your lawn mower in the freezer for the Winter”. I made a comment about it being a damned shame that people won’t do manual labour these days. No doubt, that’ll be taken into ALL different directions. Ben… c’est ça. – I was in bed by about 18.30, of course, jolted when they returned from their little jaunt. Photos of that were posted to FB as well… But at 21.00 I went down for a smoke… since I was awake, and B. came out to smoke as well and chatted. They had to go to BTV to registre the new car. The fact that part of the back yard was mowed came up. So too, that he’s looking for a mower… “for a couple hundred dollars”. OK. You can’t afford 20$/week to HAVE the lawn mowed, but you CAN afford “a couple hundred dollars” for a mower? 10 weeks, in my thinking, is 2,5 months which would get the lawn mowed May, June and July, the “Summer” months. Given that, even to have it mowed ever other week would pull through just about ALL of the season. But? But… indeed. I say nothing. I just wait in silence for the day when… – Meanwhile, j’m’en câlisse. – The sun seems to be coming up o’er yon hills. Hope… that’s all I can do at the moment. And… on with the rest of this morning… on with the rest of this day. TABARNAK. – (Posting this shit at 23.33… Took a 3-hour “nap” and this is what I get… Well… if I had a gun… I looked it up… best way “OUT”.) – 19.42 There are times when I’d swear that, had I not been Homeless, the shit I eat, simply to stave off hunger, would other-wise kill me. Ramen noodles and cheese slices that have been in the little cup-board in this room for what? 3 days… maybe longer? And I can’t help but wonder if those weren’t the cause of the sickness the other day (in spite of the fact that B. says it’s that “special flu” that’s been going round). Oh well… what-ever. We’re having more tonight. I need something to eat. I’m HUNGRY!!!!! – AND…. this day was a fuck. I SHOULD have just done what I’d wanted and gotten up and out the door, been at the border at 8.00. But no, I had to “wait and see” and what I’ve seen is…. RAIN, RAIN, RAIN… ALL BLOODY DAY! It started just about noon and hasn’t stopped. The weather map showed a cessation at about 13.00 and I was hopeful. No. I was stupid. But… instead, I went down, got the friggin tin ducks off the wall of the back porch, brought them up to the room and began painting… wood ducks now, they are. 
And, as I painted… the “ladies” (bitches, is more like it) got into the car and drove away. Nice… ever so very nice. Not even a “Did you have any-where to go?” or the common “Would you like to go to St. Albans with us?” BUGGERS… no… FAGGOTS… the lot of them. Oh well… the fucking ducks got done and the photo posted to FB. (Somebody already noticed and commented “Lovely”. – I gave Jester those jeans that were “bought for me for my birthday”. 34 waist. Indeed. Oddly, Jester is a 34 waist. I can’t help but wonder if that wasn’t the intention in the first place. The shirt? Rather “trim”. It’s one of those “tapered” shirts and I have to admit that when I was 30, I’d’ve thought it spiffy and probably perfect. But I can’t wear anything like that any more. Just not “me” at the age of 59. Oh well. it hangs in the closet, with the leather jacket that has something rather “stiff” in the pocket and on the waist band, and the jeans will be with some-one who can use them (if the effort to shorten them is ever made… which… I KNOW will NEVER happen). JE M’EN CALISSE! About the entire shit-uation here. – So, at 16.30, I popped a message of “Good-night” to VIV, via Skype and laid down on the bed… Slept for 3 hours again. I’m quite a bit depressed with this day, although I shouldn’t be. In reality, I was looking for a day when I couldn’t get out on the bike, to get out the paints and do something “artsy”. And? So I have done. – The forecast is for this shit right through Monday! DEAR GOD! Through the week-end? NO! NO! NO! Stuck in here for the 3-day week-end? NO! NO! NO! I dread the very thought (in fact my stomach is already churning at the thought). I’ve got Saturday morning to work. But that’s “it”. Not even the library for escape… if this shit rain continues. I will not believe that Creation can nor will be that cruel. And I’ll try to figure a plastic thingie to use so that I CAN and WILL get on the bike and get OUT of here! I wanted to get to Bedford today, St. Albans tomorrow. At this rate, tomorrow will be the two… yet again. With-out wind, it’ll be OK, I suppose. But… who knows? Who’s to say? Who’s to tell? – Well, time to try the “Oriental flavoured” noodles… with the 3-day old cheese. – HOW I WISH I HAD A GUN… WITH BULLETS! Once in the head. Done. –
Fri.23.May:
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As I did, Cecil came to the fence to chat! “I see you have an interest in some gardening there.” Come to find out, he’s had the “Jerusalem Artichokes” (as they call the damned things here) cut down so that the garden can get sun! I told him WHY I cleaned the garden and he told me “Lyle’s not the puttering kind.” and that the link fence was put up on Ruben’s insistence (L’s father). So, I’ve made a bit of peace with Cecil. How charming. (What-ever.) – So the sign is up, I took a picture, had 3 Mae West in the barn, and came into the house to find… at about 18.00… all in bed. Ca ce peut tu? Indeed! I got me together a bit, got things readied for tomorrow at work and grabbed a bit of a shower. – Well… the house has been quiet. This is a “Holiday Week-end” and the forecast is for… HAHAHAHAHAHAH RAIN! Oh dear oh well tough shit, that, eh? – 20.37 Just up from a smoke. B. was out on the porch just finishing his. He commented and “thanked” for the ducks! “Thanks”? Yup… we’re in for one HELL of a storm! – I’ve sent a quick message to VIV via Skype but there’s been no reply. And I’ve had 4 PopTarts and an Earl Grey (and 2 aspirin) and I’m about to put the lights out on this day. Eventful and pleasant… Today was what-ever I wanted it to be… and being HOME made it ALL worth the while. – Let the Devil take tomorrow… for right now anyway… because tomorrow will be what-ever I want it to be. And if there’s even the slightest chance, I’ll be on the road, back to Enosburg and perhaps even into Richford… SOME-where… ANY-where, but not here. – I keep thinking though: I’ve worked from since December 2013 and the only things I have to show for it all are: a pair of cheap-assed work boots (that I needed and now use to “work” around this house) and a pair of jeans (since my only other 2 pairs are now becoming thread-bare). No car. No nothing. And yet, I detect that nastiest attitudes toward me here. Yes indeed… I’m “not one of the rest”, I’m not “fitting in”. Francehement? J’m’en câlisse.
Sat.24.May: 5.53 Heard the 5.00 alarm, turned it off and took my sweet time waking. I want to sleep more but… there’s sun-shine this morning. Fuck. Oh well… Time to gently rise and shine upon this brand new day in the spiteful hatelful town of Franklin USA. – BUGER ALL! – Today is what-everI want it to be. – 22.34 A day with Dead Exes…. – A morning that began rather “Wrong”: I got me into the shower alright, but when I got OUT of the shower…. I’d forgotten to bring my TOWEL! STOOPID! THEN, when I came into the room to get dressed… the nail on the left great toe… the “dead” part has separated from the toe so I NEEDED to cut the rest of it off! ICK! – Oh well… – A morning at the PO that went… well… it went… non-stop again. It was a delight, as always, to work with Sue today though. We had a few laughs and some chats. I truly DO enjoy working with her. And of course, she’s planning on leaving…going to… RICHFORD! And I NEED to get over there… SOON! – Well, I wasn’t quite certain about what I’d do with the rest of the day since the weather’s been so unpredictable of late. But what I DID do certainly was NOT in ANY plans. – I stayed a bit later at the office, to get some paper-work out of the way and to “finish” that friggin “Training” thing that apparently hadn’t “completed”. Morons! The lot of them. And when I got to the house, John was here. I chatted momentarily and in the chat he mentioned another PM retiring and said “You’d have a chance at that job.” I didn’t bother to correct. But I did say that I’m already covering the other 3 offices and he asked “How would you get there?” and I said “By bike.” and the matter was dropped. (I later mentioned in a chat with B. that I have a week coming. The issue was dropped. I’ll bike it. Have been considering staying at the office on Mon., Wed, and Fri. nights… considering.) – OK. So up to the room only to find… I’d left my glasses at the office! SO… I got Dixie and we took a walk over. SHE “TRACKED” A DIRECT LINE RIGHT TO THE PO! IT WAS AMAZING! And she was SO cute in there… sniffing all over the place! It was a pure delight! As she is anyway.) – Back at the house, a nap from 14-15.00 and then… THEN!… – I went out to the back yard to “tidy” the flower bed by the barn, which lead to trying to sharpen the blades of the mower. B. loaned me a steel file. It didn’t really make any difference, but the blades are “cleaner” now. So I tried the mower behind the barn which lead to trimming around the flower bed which lead to mowing the back lawn behind the house, which lead to mowing beside the barn which lead to mowing the rest of the back yard! All the while, listening to “Mr.G’s” music… – “They” all came out at one point, to change the propane tank on the grill and to get one filled. Jester told me: “We’re gonna re-fill this tank and they want to cook steaks on the grill.” Imagine that. I made no comment and continued with the yard-work. Good for “them”. Enjoy. Leave me the fuck alone. Go away. (They never did cook the steaks. Instead, “they” went into the parlour, back to the Lazy-Them and fell asleep. Me? I thought, and can’t help but wonder if… they didn’t because I was still at the house and right there in the yard and perhaps they might have felt some sort of something to invite me to partake… not that I would. I’d’ve found SOME way out of that. I owe “them” nothing. But… ) – A NOTE: At one point when I came to the room for an iced tea (I NEEDED water AND the sugar and the tea was good too..), en route back to the yard, B&L were standing in the kitchen. When I approached, their conversation stopped… when I got to the back porch I over-heard L. say “I’m at the end of my rope!” I don’t know what the topic was, but I can’t help but think: “Me?” or the fact that B. is “cleaning-out” the house. L. is always saying that he can’t find anything around here and that so much has been discarded. Oh well… as I gardened I recalled how it seems we each get a turn on the shit list…
B. and the comment about “I doubt his feelings for me.” “I can’t afford a divorce because he’ll get half of the house.” and “I’ve been thinking about simply telling him to hit the road.”
Jester and the “moodiness” and the dog barking and the night of being dragged out into the bitter cold… hand-cuffed.
Me: YOU OWE US A LOT OF MONEY! You “took” our car to Maine!
We all have our turn “at bat”, so to speak… but that means WE get the wrong end of the bat. Well… if it were to ever come up and I am ever put into a position, I’ll be the first to recall these little “precious moments”. I too, am at the end of my rope… I can’t help but think: I’ve been working from since December and all I have to show for my work and income is a pair of shit boots and one pair of jeans… I gave them just about EVERY cent right from the start to catch-up on “rent” for an un-heated room and NO cooking… eating… and such. OK. I have resolutions… but they’re not favourable. But… I wipe these thoughts from my mind. They do no good. I continued the back-yard work… moving from gardens to lawn, and I was fine… I am fine.- When the black flies got too thick to work through, I stopped. There’s only a bit more to be mowed, I can get that tomorrow… and still have time to boogie down the road to some-where… else. For a while, I sat.. just sat on the swing, relaxing and “dancing” to “Chi-Town Theme”… on the floor… at the Limelight… Sheridan Square… For just those last, brief moments, I was “young, ALIVE… HAPPY… CONTENT!” I enjoyed them until the dogs came out and I saw little Dixie standing there, at the end of her lead… It was time… to let go and come back… to … – I came in, FILTHY! Even Jester commented that the clothes needed to be washed. So… up and to the shower. it was 20.30 when Jester and I stood in the kitchen… he offered a Jim Beam… and, over a bit of time, I grabbed 2-fingers and sipped… and we talked. He mentioned, amongst things, that L. had said that if I was ever to leave, Dixie would be “heart-broken”. Indeed, known, oh well. It was mentioned that the comments made on FB about the reel mower and the photos of me (taken by B.) were from “JOHN”!!! Well shit! Imagine that! So even HE’s aware of who gets the “work” done round here… of course, I’m sure that it’s “expected”. After all… I’m certain the line “He’s not paid rent…” has come up MANY times. But you know? Fukkit… ALL! Well. it’s always a delight to hear what’s being said behind my back when I’m not here (and even when I am). And these are the moments when all the shit floats to the surface and the place becomes the manure pit it truly is… All it takes is… TIME. – I came up to the room and into the shower… – Popped onto Skype again this evening… Nothing from VIV. I hope she’s just catching up with much-needed rest. I hope she’s well. I hope she’s generally OK. It would be nice to see even a small comment. But I think she might be just a tad bit like me… “here… and not… and here… and not…” and I DO Love her, no matter what. – Well… Today I had an evening with my memories… MY memories… and ALL of the people associated with them. I “danced” with the guys at the Limelight. I “danced” with Lovers at Mr. G’s. For a while, I was YOUNG again… for a while, I was full of LIFE and ENERGY, and my heart was light and I was “dancing”. For a while… for a while. – 23.39 Too tired to continue now. Must “nap”. – *I hit about 6 Search Engines before going to sleep… the ONLY references to Mr.G’s on ALL of the Internet… my painting… the one that’s gone. If there is ANY energy that radiates from my soul, out into what-ever the “Metaphysical” is… may it SLAM against that wicked shit who tossed THAT painting! HOW SHE COMPLETELY ANHILIATED MY LIFE! Selfish, evil, ugly creature! May she truly experience PAIN… from the death of the son she selfishly brought into this World and from whom the World rightfully TOOK from her!
Sun.25.May:
CA CE PEUT TU? THEY PLANTED THE BLOODY GARDEN!!!!! As B. put it, he and Jester planted and Her Ladyshit “supervised”. MAUDITE! NOW THE TALK IS TO CREATE AN “HERB GARDEN” SOMEWHERE… (but always followed by “We don’t have the money.”) (VA CHIER PIS MANGE LA MARDE! OK?) AND… TALK ABOUT CREATING AND EVEN LARGER GARDEN FOR NEXT YEAR! YEAH. RIGHT! I MEAN TO SAY… SHIT! WE’RE TALKING PEOPLE WHO TAKE THREE DAYS TO FOLD WASHED AND DRY LAUNDRY!!! WHO START TO HOOVER ONE ROOM ON MONDAY AND DON’T FINISH UNTIL FRIDAY! WHAT THE ACTUAL…? if I didn’t have incentive to do all I must to move along…. I HAVE MORE THAN I NEED RIGHT NOW! STILL, THE POINT OF THIS ENTRY IS: THEY ACTUALLY PLANTED IN THE GARDEN!!! (Now let’s see WHO “maintains”.)
That said… there are 2 rhubarb pies int he oven. I went, had mu smoke, came back in, came up-stairs. Watched the rest of the CBC show. And here we are. And I’m tired.. again… and ready for… “nap”?, sleep? death? Any and all. I’m worn right out. And it’s still a good deal of day-light. I COULD have been doing something, but I’m not. And… J’m’en câlisse!- 21.19 (It’s raining… may it rain itself out tonight, may I wake strong andrrefreshed in the morning, and be off and out of here… to Richford… bright and early, in great weather.) SKYPE WITH VIV!!!! AND MY DAY IS COMPLETE! Good-night Dear VIV. Good night to you, good rest, peaceful sleep, and a Perfect day tomorrow. Good-night… and thank you, thank whom-ever put the Fates into alignment… for being back.
Mon.26.May: 8.18 And I’m still in the bed… just woke a little while ago. Had cold coffee and a smoke. Not feeling all too well this morning. And… it’s rainy. It was raining at 5.00 when the alarm sounded so I didn’t even bother to wake. But the sun is coming through in momentary bits. Not enough to fee secure about hitting the road… just yet. But I truly MUST get the actual f,,, out of here today. I’m hungry. – I need a car. I need a place. I need a job. I need.. out and away. – I wonder if/when/whom there will ever be any further attention paid to the “garden” out back. I doubt it… whole-heartedly. I’m rather glad that the town is so small and that I managed to get a job here so that the people know me and what I’ve accomplished here. I don’t really want “recognition” but… I still find it so fucking rude and ballsy to post a public message taking credit for something one knows (B.) one truly had nothing to do with. *I* did to get the flowers and garden! MAUDIT TAPETTES! CA CE PEUT TU? Yeah… story of my existence. But… fukkit… fukkem… all. – Today… TODAY is what-ever *I* want it to be… MINE, MINE, MINE. Let’s see how it goes. – There’s a “parade” at 10.00. I wanted to be out of town when that came by. I don’t know… doesn’t look that way. I have to Hoover the floor in this room. I don’t …. no… I do that for *me*. So… I’ll get that done eventually. And then? What-ever I want it to be. – 11.26 2 coffees. Teeth brushed. The “parade” passed and got rained upon. B. came to the door to ask if I’d seen the “parade”… “There were even some Canadians…” BFD. WTF? and such. And now? The weather is so unstable that I dare NOT take off o’er the roads! Shit! It’s going to be a very hungry day today… no way to get food. Oh well… not the first time… and certainly not the last. – Time to go some-where and get AWAY!!!! I’m still HOMELESS…. no hot food, no place to cook, nothing to wear and always on the move. HOMELESS. It’s never stopped. – 19.01 SHOWERED, WORKED, DONE! AND…. no…. I was NOT invited to partake in the steaks cooked on the grill. As if…. BUT… there’s new wiring in the barn and the old wiring is down. Takers get… Givers gave. Fukkit and FTW. – 20.22 Just up from a smoke… an a “Well Hello… “ from her Ladyshit. As if it was a surprise to see me. Imagine that. Spent the past several what-evers on-line looking to see if any more bull-shit had been posted to FB. No… not yet anyway. But… my day? I went to the barn at about 11.00 to do anything to get the fuck out of the house. I started on the electric to run a light to the back door. Taking down the old wiring was a bit more than I’d bargained for. Stapled to the rafters with LONG staples, I had to CUT the old stuff… with tin-snips. What-ever.. it worked. Took a while though. – John arrived whilst I was working. HE offered me a beer! I couldn’t though… other-wise I’d’ve never gotten the work done (and would have wanted more than one anyway…) I deferred with the obvious “I’m up on stools and ladders right now.” But he said “I just want you to know you’re welcome to a beer.” (“A”? I wonder. I also wonder what sort of shit he’s being fed about me and how much he’s actually swallowing. Not that it makes any difference. I choose NOT to become involved.) – Well, as I worked, the rains came and they all ran into the house and the steaks went to the grill. I busied in the barn… to stay the fuck away, mostly. Not that I would have been invited to partake. (I wouldn’t anyway. Eating with people whom I despise? Not I.) By about 17.00 I went to the market, got a tin of Progresso chicken noodle soup, package of rolls, a coke, choco-grahams and 2 ice cream thingies. Gulped the soup down whilst sitting peacefully in the barn and followed with the ice creams. (When I came in, I had peanut-butter on 2 rolls so…) Finished as much of the wiring as I could before it got too dark in there to see. I moved the outlet to an inner wall but now I have to figure how to get power to it. Tomorrow.. if the forecast is correct and it rains again… AGAIN! … I’ll have to make a wash (I got shit on my white t-shirt)… and then I’ll go out and hook the new outlet into the electric (and hope I don’t burn the whole place to the ground… or… it might be funny if I do anyway). But it kept me out of the house and away from “their” dinner. – Oh.. at one point, B. came out to the barn to whine. “I like having the company, but I wanted to sit and relax today.” WHAT? Sitting on the couch, as they usually do, for HOURS and DAYS isn’t “relaxing”? Pardon me? it’s really so terribly sad that I actually thought about it and laughed… aloud. Sad. Just sad… the lot of them. – 20.34 It’s raining… AGAIN!!! – Honestly… “I like John and all, and I’d like having people here. But John… after a while…” I’ve been SO tempted to put something on the SocMed but to what end? As I thought whilst in the shower: For some, the truth is so NOT what they want to hear that telling them isn’t worth the effort. It’s known… and the work done round here is known by the Town. So? Let them… what-ever. As for John? Let the poor slob be drowned in the bull-shit. I don’t care… and that’s the truth! – I’m about ready to pass on here. – Jotted a note to VIV via Skype. Missing her. – Hopefully tomorrow will be nice enough so that I can get out, get away, get something COOKED to EAT! Meanwhile… B’s in bed, the other 2 are … TV in the parlour. And the rest can simply go fuck itself;f dry.
Tue.27.May: 19.40 Imagine this… nothing journalled all day. Well… it got off to a VERY SLOW start. I woke with the 5.00 alarm, turned it off and went back to sleep. 
Woke again at about 7.00 threw the t-shirt and shirt into the wash, let that run, had a smoke, put the clothes into the dryer and when that was done… went back to bed and back to sleep…. And didn’t get up until almost 11.00! And even THEN, I didn’t want to bother getting up. So, I “browsed” the Internet a bit and at about noon-ish, finally went out to the barn where… AT LAST AT LAST AT LAST!!! IT TOOK ME ALMOST 5 HOURS BUT I GOT THE NEW LIGHT SWITCH INTO THE BACK BARN! WOOHOO! WHAT A PAIN IN THE FIRGGIN’ ARSE! REALLY! THE WIRES WOULDN’T TWIST TOGETHER, THEN THEY SNAPPED. THEN THEY WOULDNT FIT UNDER THE SCREWS IN THE LIGHT FIXTURE. HONESTLY! I’VE NEVER WORKED SO HARD ON SOMETHING SO SIMPLE! But… it’s “DONE”! B. came out for a bit…schmoozed about work he’d done on his house down South. He had his pipe and left. And me? I’ve turned the “Atelier” back to the “barn”. I’m finished with this shit. – Oh, spoke a bit with Cecil and Jackie today. Jackie says the tomatoes are planted TOO close together… they grow to be about 5ft tall! I told the both of them that I got the garden back, thought it would be appreciated but don’t expect too much to be done with it. They both gave a look… as if they knew what I wasn’t saying. Well, I suppose the important thing is that the Town knows I didn’t come rolling in to change and disrupt… I merely put “back” what had been gone for years. I don’t need the “validation”, but at least it might make my “sojourn” a bit lighter. – 
19.49 and there’s THUNDER rolling off to the East. How nice. I’m showered and in bed. Had my 2 peanut-butter on rolls and am steeping Earl Grey. Took 2 aspirin as well. I’m hoping that tomorrow will be kind and grant me good weather for… either St. Albans or Richford… or both, for fux sake. Either or… depends on the weather. In either event, I’m going for pizza or something HOT and COOKED to eat! Fuck this shit of not eating. – Anyway, I’m just glad the work in the barn is done. Chatted with Jester after and mentioned the lighting for “your Friday night”. Mentioned that the back barn is now cleared for “work space” so B. can put his tools and such back there. Mentioned that I moved the garden tools to where they’re easier accessible. And that the barrel is off the “fire pit” and the lid is there. “Mentioned” this… knowing… – So, now, at 19.53, I’m almost ready to click the lights out on this day. I have to check the weather, check to see IF VIV’s been in touch, have a smoke and finish it all off. – Now that the “work” round here is done, it truly is time for me to get moving along. I came, I reclaimed, it’s time to move along. Some-where out there is something else to be done. *Do it because you can, not for the thanks. There are no thanks. And there will always be something else that needs to be done. If the whole world would live that way, it would be a perfect place.* – 20.23 Thunder is rolling and the rains are falling and i’ve come back up from a smoke… the parlour is all quiet. L, on the sofa, engrossed in the phone (as per usual). I’ve no clue as to the rest of them. – Got a message in to VIV on the Skype. She was “there”… sort of. So I typed a message in “Notes” and pasted and signed-off. I can only hope that she’s OK and taking care of her. But she too has been through some wicked Hell over the years and, well, she’s still kicking. So, what-ever she’s been doing, she’s surviving. Over-rated, that shit… survival. But I’m thankful and grateful for just knowing that she’s … “there”. – 
So, a bit of browsing and to bed. There’s a 40% chance of rain tomorrow after-noon. 70% in the morning. But with the 40%, I have a 60% chance of making a trip!!! Hot lunch! and who knows what else? Just NOT here! – I had to chuckle: with the lighting, I counted… 10 miles from the storm. And then I thought: Watch… lightning will strike the barn! THAT would be MY LIFE! Maybe I should just “lube up” in preparation for the grand-slam fuck I’m about to get. Nah… let them work on it. Maybe I’ll luck-out and bleed to death… Slowly, of course… but that would only be appropriate… since conception. – FIN.- 23.28 MORE rain in the forecast… I browsed until now. I’m done. Toast. HUNGRY!!!! Good-night.
Wed.28.May: 7.39 And again, rain. And again, up with the alarm. And again, back to sleep. Tired. Just so tired. And I realised that I have to try the bike trip to E. Fairfield this week! Rain. It has to stop… eventually. I has to stop. The grass is growing as it rains. It’s getting to the point, already, where it’s going to be quite the effort. And this morning? I haven’t the energy. Nor do I have the ambition. And there;s an empty “pie container” in the kitchen sink. An entire pie is gone. Rhubarb… that I helped along to grow this season. Your welcome. Tell me that I do not know true ALTRUISM. Work and derive nothing from it. ALTRUISM… destroys the person… said Ayn Rand. How true. How very true. How miserably true. – It’s a miserable day. I have to GO! – 20.25 SHOWERED!!! (bloody shame that something like that makes me so fucking happy). In bed!!! And THAT makes me happy because I MADE IT INTO ST. ALBANS TODAY! YES! Left the house at round about 11.20, had a smoke, got on the bike and headed down yon road. Weather said the rains would pretty much end by 13.00 but at 11.30, the roads were dry so… – Took a “new” route today… the Woods Hill rd. Not bad at all! Either way. A little on the “UP” side coming into Fuklin, but that’s with ALL the roads coming into Fuklin no matter how you travel. But I’m NOT complaining. SO! Got to the CU where I got to vent quite a sum. There was a deaf fellow at the only quichet that was open (Marlene) and poor Marlene was having quite the time trying to communicate with him. But I kept to myself and watched. Moments passed and some snooty bitch comes prancing out to ask if I had a “non-cash transaction” and when I said no… “In that case, someone will be right with you.” and she pranced off! Poor Marlene! So! When I got to her I made certain to say that I found it poor management and extremely unfair to have 3 positions available and only ONE attended and at that, to leave ONE person with a difficult transaction. Becky replied “We were doing other work J…. “ and the snarky bitch added “We had to put cash into the ATM. So, I politely pointed-out that that wasn’t my problem, but that there is high unemployment out there and they could help ALL by manning more positions. Marlene simply smiled. The other 2 stuck their noses up and shut up. Ah HAHAHAH! Fukkem! Fukkem ALL! So… with my little with-drawl, OUT and across the grass to the road and “into town” as it were… GS for Silver-Something! Hey! A Rush is over 20$ these days but I was determined that THIS trip was going to be about ME, ME, ME! Got it! And back up the road to…. pay the phone for the month of June! Fukkit! Pay it NOW whilst in town and with the funds. – AND THEN!!! MY SPECIAL TREAT TO ME! Pie In The Sky and THREE…. THREE…. 3… THREE SLICES OF PIZZA AND TWO Mt.DeWS! I ATE! LUNCH! HOT FOOD! PREPARED FOOD! I ATE! 9,95$ was a bit much, I should think… but today was about ME! and I’d planned to EAT and so I ATE! FOOD! HOT FOOD! AND I TOOK MY TIME! AND I RELAXED! AND IT WAS WONDERFUL!!! (and I look forward to doing it again… soon…ish! FUK!) – Lunch done, off to Hannaford’s, simply because I was there. A coffee, box of PopTarts, 8 Ramens and a bottle of sports drink. PEE STOP! And… across the road to Aubochons to check to see if they KNEW what “grinding paste” is and if they had any and the reply for both was “nope”. But I did get a can of WD40 for the mower (and bike and me… as it were… ME! It was about ME! today!). – En route back i stopped at Tractor Supply and of course, THEY don’t know WTF “grinding paste” is… What a bunch of retards in this state. But… no prob. I didn’t want to buy anything… ANYTHING AT ALL… for this place. They here have benefited MORE than enough and even more than too much. Fukkem! Today’s trip was about ME! – On the bike and back on the road back to… – The clouds were clearing… AT LONG LAST! when I got back on the Bushey rd. But the air was still cool and it was a delightful ride this evening. It was WELL after 16.00 already and I just didn’t give a shit at all! Took my time, walked the hills, pedalled as much as I felt and that was that! And it was such a delight. – BUT… JUST as I got to the Browns Corners… there was ONE SPOT OPEN IN THE SKY!!! ONE! BLUE SKY AND SUN-SHINE!!! AND JUST AS SOON AS THE SUN CAME THROUGH? “HOULE”!!! FUKTARDZ! THEY CAN’T WAIT TO GET BACK TO SPRAYING THAT COW-SHIT. HONESTLY? I BELIEVE THE STATE OF VT HAS A SCAT FETISH! TRULY! TWO BLOODY FUCKING TRUCKS JUST AS THE SUN CAME THROUGH! And today I noted something: No stench of cow-shit in the air and I had more stamina and could pedal longer and up more hills! Yes.. that cow-shit is lethal… toxic… harmful! Leave it to the “glorious state of VT”….. in-bred fuktardz… the lot of them. Oh well… – The day was a delight… truly. And hopefully, tomorrow will be like-wise and I’ll head to HOME… Bedford. – I had to check the computer calendar before I started this, this evening… hoping that tomorrow is Thursday and not Friday… and YAY! Wednesday! I’m about ahead of me already! And THAT TOO makes me quite happy. – When I got back to the house, I sat for a bit on the swing to relax and then, as I put the bike into the “garage” and as I did, I could hear Dixie crying in the house! SWEET CHOUETTE! So I got her out to the back steps where she sat beside me as I filed my nails and had a smoke. She’s SUCH A LOVE! SHE TRULY IS! Happy and content to just “be” in the yard with me. Such love… I don’t know… well… yes I do… we’re very similar: She runs and plays and such… and they feed her minimally… only just barely enough to keep her alive (fat fux!) and when she plays, she’d play to the point of heart-attack if allowed. Me? I eat barely enough to keep alive and yet I work my-self to the frazzle. Dixie and I both seem to be taken so much for granted… I wonder if THAT’S not the “connection” between us. She’s bright and yes, loveable in SO many ways… CHOUETTE! She will miss me… and I will wonder about her always. (But I can’t stay here just because of her… I can’t. All I can do is hope with my all that she’ll be OK. And if not? I can always report them… and hopefully, maybe even start a life where I can afford to care for her. I don’t know. The entire scenario is sick… but then, that iMe? I ignored. But it put something into perspective for me: I should very much like to have a drink… vodka… and I’ve been holding back getting a bottle. Francehement, I can’t afford. BUT, I’ll be DAMNED if I have to listen to “We don’t have the money….” and yet… no lawn mower… WEED? OH HELL NO! So, tomorrow will be quite the day: Bedford and then to Enosburg… VODKA! And FUUUUUUUUUUKKKKK THE TAPETTES! –
Thu.29.May: 6.16 Awake and having coffee…. and it’s chilly this morning! – Pftzed the morning away 8.56 gotta take a shit. the pc is IS the shit! and now with the sun… i’m out of HERE! FUCK YOU FAGGOTS!
Notes at 22.36
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Printemps! How wonderful could that be? – Well… ever so hesitantly, the time came to move along and I hadn’t decided whether or not to head into Enosburg on the return. I had no “particular” plan for today… just roll along and see how much abuse this old body would actually tolerate today. I took the same route back… Rivière to Victoria to Maurice… and honestly, it’s a nice route! Easy to navigate and such. Just … well… WONDERFUL! – Pleasant. Enjoyable. – Well… as it is… came “The” moment: at the Customs… the “Arizona Bitch” with the fukking attitude troubles, the pschopaths… Her and one from local. HE came out, asked the regular questions and actually asked to SEE the Mae West! THEN asked me “How many cigarettes have you bought this month?” (7 packs was my answer.) It didn’t take long but I must remember: They are NOT human… not even the slightest trace of similarity with humans… pretty much like manure pits… their purpose is to draw any life out of anything that comes with-in sight-range. Sad little specimens of what-ever it is they are. – On the road and back in the “Cow-shit State”,,, I simply took my time and headed along the Morses Line and back into Fuklin… because, even going to Enosburg, that’s the most direct route… unfortunately. – Now… I must add here: IF the situation was even remotely pleasant, I well could have stopped at the house, dropped the Mae West, grabbed another beverage and continued… I CERTAINLY DID NOT! I stopped at the PO to offer Aline and Gena a Mae West. Gena asked: “Are these the ones with the caramel?” Ah… I’ll have to get some of THOSE next trip… I’ve wanted to try them anyway.) Gena commented on how quickly I was making time this morning. Aline agreed that I travel quite fast. And now, they both are aware of my travels on the bike and the lawn-mowing and such… WORD is in the town.. AND… all the way to Swanton/St.Albans for that matter. Nice. – It was already just past 15.00 as I was leaving the PO and I worried a bit about being on the roads and passing B. But… I headed out, headed south on the 120 and off to the Swamp Rd! Determination today! I would NOT be at the house this evening… with any time to mow! FUKDATSHIT! And… again… no rush… I took my time. BUT… by now I was running out of energy and my legs were about to kick me in the face, had they they ability. So, when I got to the State Park rd… I took it! DOWN THE HILL AND IN THE BREEZE AND NO PEDALLING AND IT WAS A DELIGHT TO COAST ALONG! I cut off at the Rail Trail which was a bit difficult to navigate because of the roughness and the rains and such. So I popped onto the 105 for a bit… until I got to the cut-off for the remainder at “Stix”. I took the trail, stopped for a pee then into Enosburg! – A 1l Absolute, a chat with the nice young woman at the cashe. She has family in MTL… she too, prefers the caramel cakes! And… the annoying bit? She can’t go visit her family because she doesn’t have a passport! Fukking shit! Really! As thorough its entire history, the US believes itself to be SO powerful and perfect and doesn’t give a shit about the people… who can’t simply go to see their own families. Seriously… bull-shit all round. – And… I spoke of my travels of the day… and she was quite impressed! So… the “WORD” spreads along… – Made my purchase… my HopefulDay is stocked and I was HUNGRY! Subway!!! A meatball hero and 2 Cokes… I sat there, eating calmly, enjoying the HOT FOOD! MY DOWN TIME! I WAS RELAXED! IT WAS WONDERFUL! 
I’D ACCOMPLISHED ALL THAT I’D WANTED TO ACCOMPLISH AND THE DAY WAS DONE! – When I left Enosburg, it was just past 17.00. I’d thought of taking the Trail back, instead of navigating UP the HILLS as usual… but the very idea of having to pedal along the mud and gravel… Nah… better to pedal the paved roads! And so… the “usual” route back… up Noble Hill and all… but I gladly walked along where needed, no hurry, no rush, no pressure. And… all told? Noble-Stanley-Swamp… MORE COASTING! And WELL worth the effort of climbing Noble Hill! WELL WELL WELL worth it! – I was in the back yard and plootzed on the swing by 18.36! Not bad timing! Especially for taking my sweet-arsed damned leisure. – A quick calc of the distance today: 82km! (51miles!) Even taking my time, I made GREAT distance today! Well… hopefully this old body will hold up and out for the coming week of work in E. Fairfield! But this was pretty damned great! I AM SOOOOO GOOD! – And I was rather delighted and yet, looking forward to washing the grit off my face! I sat on the swing, had my smoke and headed into the house… reluctantly. – WELL! As Fate would have… just as I walked in through the back door, the “ladies” returned from whence they were (probably on another weed run?) and the dogs went into their usual frenzy. I took amusement in that they were annoying the others. But DIXIE dropped the front door barking and came RUNNNING to me! SO HAPPY! She’s a love… a true LOVE! She has an obvious preference! – B. was in the loo, shaving or what-ever. So I brought Dixie out into the yard for a bit… and Ellie came to this time… and bless little Ellie… she took a dump right by the swing… so let “them” park in that! I don’t pick it up. – Ah HAH!!! SOMEthing is going on in the house! Not only is the carpet in “their” room clean… the foyer carpet is now as well! Hmmmm….. Cleaning the house? Certainly not for the sake of cleaning… not in THIS place! Oh well… it’s WAY past About-Time! And imagine, if you will… SOMEboyd in here doing SOMEthing besides beaaching. Hmmm… most suspicious… indeed. – None-the-less… I had the briefest of chats with L. about the Guthries (Arlo and dad) and went up to SHOWER at long last… That done, jammies on and off to some Internet browsing/surfing for a bit. – By 22.36 I’d hit the fb,posted a quick message to VIV (who hasn’t left any messages on Skype at all… but I hope it’s because she’s getting Peaceful, Restful and Healthy rest). I got the videos posted to Tmblr (YAY!) and had a rather delightful chit-chat as it were, on fb with B.Wms this evening. – Just suddenly got hungry again and had 2 franks from the package. (I wonder how they’re going to settle in the old gut tonight). Oddly… when I came in this evening, her Ladyshit was frying some franks for their dinner. THEY get cooked… I get… cold from the package. Fuktardz. – Well, I want one more smoke before bed. The house is tucked in (j’m’en câlisse… bin franchement). I’m just generally fed-up again… it doesn’t take long when I’m in the house. – Tomorrow’s forecast is for rain! I HOPE!!! – Closing thoughts for this day: They can’t afford to go out, go for a drive or something, but they CAN afford booze and weed? They can’t afford a lawn mower but they’re getting a car? 2 fridges in the house and there’s no room for anything that I might have wanted to store. I have NEVER COOKED in this house! What do they think I’m living on? My place… a room, no heat, no cooking, no food, no toiletries, 2 washes per month average… BUT… I’ve reclaimed and maintained the barn, flower-beds, garden, lawn maintenance… B. had the brass audacity to post “Jude and I did…” FUKKALL! NEXT nasty reference to anything that gets thrown in to MY face?… I ask no questions, make no comments … IRS and CVOEO! Tired … just tired…. abused… no thanks… no gratitude… you owe us! No… I NEED A CAR! And you’ve MORE than benefited… as has this fuk-tard, shit-pit town of yours.
Fri.30.May: 7.57 Yes, I over-slept again this morning… this sunny morning, contrary to the forecast… damn it!
DREAM: I was sitting in the room, needing to use the loo, but B. was in there so I waited until he left. And, I waited a bit longer, just in case he had to return. Long moments passed and I finally got in, turned on the light and was JUST getting to the toilet when there was a knock at the door. B. “You’ve been in there a long time, Are you going to be in there much longer?” – “I just got in here not a minute ago.” I replied. – “NO! You’ve been in there longer than your usual time. Are you going to be in there any longer?” – “I JUST got in here. I waited for you to finish and then waited longer, in case you had to come back!” – “Noooo…. you’ve been in there a long while.” – “Fine! I’m out now. So, we’ll just add this to the list of things I can’t do. No heat. No food. No eating. No using the bathroom. Fine then.” and I left, returned to the room to sit on the bed-pan and pee in a plastic juice bottle. – As I finished, L. comes to the door, peeks in, looks about and says “This room is dirty.” (As well it is… in reality, it NEEDS a Hoovering!) – “It’s actually FILTHY.” I said, quietly. “I haven’t been able to find the Hoover.” – “You know EXACTLY where it is! This room is disgusting.” says L. – And from this, I woke.
And now, it’s warm in the room, I’m a bit tired. Feeling the heat of the sun… a touch of sun-burn from yesterday I imagine. I’ve come up from a smoke. The yard needs mowing. I’m trying to decide whether or not to attempt it today. There’s no place that I HAVE to go to today, and, other than a visit to Richford, there’s really no place I want to go to today… save, perhaps, a day in the barn. But… we shall see what the day brings. – 10.30 Just up from another “nap” and smoke… so this day is… well, at least it’s clouding over. – 17.19 Two franks and Ramen and the TWO mowers are working again and the garden sign has been moved and the flower-bed behind the “garage” is clean and me? 10zP in the barn as it rained and OH! Did I ever deserve that! Indeed… MUCH better now for it. – Shitchat with Jester: cleaning the rugs as her Ladyshit sleeps. I told Jester, after my travels yesterday, I’ve no sympathy nor compassion for anybody else. I don’t give a fuk. Period. Seriously? Sleeping and all and whining about cleaning the rugs? It’s about damned time! – But… I’ve eaten and now I need to shit and shower and get ready for bed… again. WORK tomorrow morning and NO going back to nap. – 20.09 Showered and in bed. Moments ago, I went for a smoke, and on the way back up, L. asks “Do you think we could have a fire tonight?” WTF!? GO! Burn yourselves into ashes for all I care. Me? I’m going to work tomorrow, and… HELLO? We just had a deluge! The wood is wet! So I simply said “That rain took all the heat from the sun… it’s gone rather chilly, I think.” and left it at that. Nice… I’m EXPECTED to make and maintain THEIR “fire” on Friday night. Woops. No good. Not happening. There is a “meme” out on the Internet some-where, I re-posted it some-where. I reads “Never push a loyal person to where they no longer give a fuck”. BINGO! – On that note, I am in bed. Alarm set for 4.30 tomorrow. I have to get into the swing of this 4am hour now. And I just realised: B. is into work an hour earlier these days, so getting me to E. Fairfield is QUITE the imposition. Not to mention, he gets out at 15.00 and I, at 16.30 so that TRULY is an inconvenience to the entire house-hold. I mean… really! Wasn’t it bad enough that somebody had to come fetch me off the road as I walked the distance? (Gee… I wonder if they ever talk about THAT issue… HAHAHAHAH! I make me laugh.) – PopTarts and peppermint tea and … hopefully… SLEEP through the night!
Sat.31.May: 5.29 I was in bed by about 20.30 last night. Finally went to sleep at about 22.00. And had the alarm set for 4.30 this morning, to get me into the routine. But I did NOT want to wake at 4.30 and so, dozed… until almost 5.00. Not good. And this morning, I can only describe it as “feeling like what I used to think 60 years old would feel like”. Early hour? The thought of waking like this for a week and having to bike the 20-plus miles to work? Or was it yesterday in the barn? I don’t know for certain, but I have to shake it. – There’s an e-mail waiting… from MIA! I have to get to that today. Well… I truly should. – I wonder why there hasn’t been any word from VIV this week. I wonder… Not that I think she’d be coming down this way. But I hope she’s OK. – A bit over-cast this morning. Very damp out there. Hopefully there won’t be any call for the mowing of lawn. I’m not in the mood. Am hoping to work a bit on the front of the house. Keep it nice and neat and to hell with the rest. Let’s see how much B. does… “to keep Daisy’s flowers looking good”. Fuktard. – Oh well… on with this day. Have had my coffee and smoke. A quick shower in an hour (let’s hope L’s under-shorts are out of the sink… they’d been in there, wet, no water in the basin… most of the day, yesterday. Ah… the eternal and typical: just let it soak. And again, v’imru… Amen.). – 12.58 EXHAUSTED and 21over on the drawer count! Oh well… better over than short… I suppose. – The morning was hectic and I was in NO mood for these people today. Favours! That’s all they expect… the ENTITLED town. Fuk! But all the work went right along and I even got the boxes cased… EARLY! I don’t know HOW. But I’m not asking!!! AND I forgot to take the flag in! I just remembered. Not worrying about it. – B. is the only one in the house. The other 2 are … ? Who the fuk gives a fuk. It’s over-cast but nothing that should stop me from mowing and such. But getting up at 4.30 this morning has taken a bit of a toll. I want a NAP! I shouldn’t, but I probably will anyway. And I’m HUNGRY! But eating right now? I shouldn’t think so. I need bread… and what a fucking misery to be fretful of getting it. What a grand fuk no matter how one looks at it. And it’s only Saturday? Well! – I’m back a bit earlier than I’d expected. I thought I’d be back by about 14.00 or even 15.00! Nap… yes… nap. – 23.57 Just finished Skype with VIV! She’s OK. Been very busy with working, at a job that runs her down. She, I, Gaetan, Dan… we’ve all come to it. Once upon a time we were all quite rather well. Not so much in our older age. We’ve been replaced and discarded for the most part. We didn’t look for this, didn’t ask for it. We WORKED ourselves to the best of our abilities… for this. – She might need my assistance with the move. I offered. Of course, even if it means biking the distance, I’ll be there. She wants to move on the 20th next month. I’ll be finishing that week in E.Fairfield. It will be a bit difficult, but… that’s been my existence thus far. But… for VIV… indeed, it will be with heart and soul. No trouble for me at all. – I stayed on the bed for the entire day today. What did I do? I don’t know, really. And I don’t care to recall.. Mostly just browsing the Internet and such. Playing about the computer and such. This evening, I ate… 2 franks in the mug of Ramen. At least it was “hot” food… food… if one can call it that. But I’m to understand that some people actually “live” off this shit. Me? I’m proving to myself that I too, am about to “live” off this shit. I wonder, often, how. There’s nothing to it, and yet, I can get up and travel distances, on the bike, I can maintain somebody else’s house and land. I am quite remarkable. (I mentioned that I’ve gone through the 4 boxes of Mae West in about a week… to VIV… she replied “diabetic?”. How the hell would I know? And, why the hell should I care? I don’t… on either point.) – At one point in time this after-noon, I went out back for a smoke and the 3 of “them” were out there… lounging, of course, on the swing (which I brought out from the barn). B. had “mowed”… only the section directly behind the house and only as far as the barn. To think… I’d done the entire bit, back to the “garden”. Ah… but that’s me and not them and according to the bleeding hearts… the arse-brains, not the flowers… we mustn’t “judge” others. Fuckdatshit. I’m not “judging” I’m stating… At my age, I shouldn’t be biking about the hills of New England and I shouldn’t be attending other people’s property and I should be mowing the lower 40 with a manual push mower. And I SURE AS HELL shouldn’t be playing “Nurse Maid” to some fat old lazy faggots. But… I am and I do and it is what it is and it’s only for this time… this time alone… Soon? HOME! And when I’m gone? None of this will get done and what L. had said will come to be: sitting here rotting as the place falls apart. Je m’en câlisse. PANTOUTE! – But I whiled the day away… on the bed… dressed… but on the bed… in the room. Fukkit! – As I “chatted” with VIV this evening, I actually made myself a drink: Mixed a bit of the iced-tea and poured a bit of vodka in it. Not what I’d prefer, but what I had available. It wasn’t half bad. And it actually relaxed me quite nicely. Just the one. I went out for a smoke (after signing-off with VIV) and looked up into the sky tonight. In Shongum, it always looked and felt as if … if I’d lifted my arms and waved my hands in the night air, the stars would swirl into a glowing mass of chaotic dancing lights above. It felt that close to the stars, that close to “out there”… that close. But here, in this town, there are noticeably fewer stars int he sky and they’re farther away. This isn’t the “North Country” of my youth. Even that’s been taken away. There’s really nothing left except “memories”… just “memories” of times that I probably didn’t appreciate enough, but that taught me enough to survive… “Survive”… for all that’s worth… Bull-shit… the lot of it. Oh well… But the vodka actually calmed me, and I felt as if it “opened” my mind some-how… removed the stress and the confinement of the stresses. When I came back up to the room, I was ready to end the day… calmly. – I’ve finished the franks already… there’s nothing left to eat but more Ramen. And I suppose, I should give up and give in and try for sleep. I’ve got the alarm set for 5.30 tomorrow. THAT will be “sleeping in” for a while. MUST get into the routine of being awake by 4.00 at the latest. There are difficult days coming… very difficult days indeed…. May NOT ONE of them be inclement weather… Creations can’t be THAT hateful… (Oh… yes it can!)