After all these years, today, Tuesday, 5 July 2016, I found the edition of The Evening News that covered the story of the demise of… essentially, my existence. Imagine: 20 January 1974. It doesn’t seem possible… 42 years ago.	If only I still had the photos I’d taken, of the emptiness that’s was there, so many years later. But I still have those images in my mind, and burned onto my heart, and I’ll take them with me… when I leave.

Fri.1.Jul: 6.15 FUCK ME! ANOTHER MONTH GONE… ANOTHER MONTH BEGINS. BONNE FÉTE DU CANADA! EVEN THAT’S GONE ALL TO SHIT. – Nice. Well. Coffee. Smoke. Loo. Sun-shine. Check. Due: Lavage, myrtle, mulch, the garden weeding, perhaps lawn mowing. I don’t know. What-ever will be done, will be done. – Cool this morning. Barn thermo at about 50F. I just hope I can get those wood chips from Bill today. After that, I don’t much care about the rest. (And hopefully the myrtle I got yesterday is still in good condition. It all got a shot of Miracle-Grow yesterday evening. We shall see. That’s all we can do. – July. And I’m not looking forward to this week-end. Might move the Subaru back to Jacquie’s. Though, with psycho-in-breed over there, I don’t feel quite comfy. “They” are having “company”. Probably more trash. Good thing? I can escape… spend the week-end at Jacquie’s, should need be. At least I have the escape. Although, even at Jacquie’s, there’s no peace, with her tenant trash banging about. Last night, even until 22.00. Again… we shall see and what-ever will be. – Now… to post yesterday’s photos to WOODHAULER so that those are, at least, recorded and documented. WORK MUST BE RECORDED AND DOCUMENTED. – 22.30 JUST got the bed made, last ‘moke, JUST got back from Jacquie’s… SHOWERED AND ALL THINGS CLEAN… EVEN *MY* PILLOWS GOT WASHED TODAY! – AND ***** I planted 34 vincas AND hauled SIX trolleys of wood chips to the front yard! It’s not finished. But there it is. And when Ms.B was leaving with Ms.Gordie for frolicking this evening AS I WAS WORKING, the comment: “I hope they get to look like those (the 1st 3 I planted) and cover up the empty spaces.” The work is done… for today anyway. OH! And I had to haul 2 boards to “edge” where I put the chips, all along the front flower-bed. Yes… I’m in a bit of PAIN right now. And the Ibuprophen at Jacquie’s? GONE! I happened to find a couple Advil, which I took with a beer. They “helped” only a little. – Other than that… I wonder what tomorrow will be like since I plan on NOT working. Fuck! ONE day out of 7… not even a full week-end. ONE fucking day of not working, being clean. ONE FUCKING day! MINE! We shall see. – Have to post today’s work photos to “Woodhauler”, send a message to Jacquie who will be back tomorrow to attend the Fucklin BBQ form 16-19.00. I’m just glad I got ALL of my washing done today… pillows and kippot and caps included. “Clean”… for a change. – Almost forgot to mention: TURTLE EGGS! MANY! IN THE CHIP PILE! I’ve taken them out, put them in the barn, but I’m not sure what to do with them now… I might make a chip pile out back for them or something. Little fellows… It would be nice to see them develop… if it isn’t too late already.

Sat.2.Jul: 8.13 The alarm sounded, got turned off and so too, did I at 6.00. It’s over-cast. Cool. Breezy. Nice morning to get some work done. NOT! Won’t. – Just up from a smoke. They’re in the kitchen. Ms.B at the stove, cooking pasta. “Today’s Gordon’s b’day.” 45. How charming. Children. And to think: yes, they are. – The wood beside the house needs re-stacking. But I need another board for tomorrow. The lawn needs mowing. But it’s wet. Tomorrow. And in about 45 minutes, I have to get the day on the road and off to Ms. Hallie. ONE FUCKING DAY. Nope. Not me. Can’t have it. Not even one. – Well… off to post yesterday’s gardening photos and then….? Then. – Another day. BFD. – 22.00 Back in bed. And nothing done today. – Complimented on the front of the house and Ms.B still has dreams of hostas. Fine. Priced the vinca. 5-7$ each, and “bare root” on-line. And the 5$ price is at the Home Depot! So, 34×5 is 170$ just for the plants. Add the plastic and the mulch… there’s about a month’s rent there. Plus the hours of work planting and such. I’ve done my July already. Lawn=mowing at Jacquie’s quote of 50$ per, times 4 last month alone. 200$. Not the 350 they wanted. But no matter how it gets shaken…. there’s a lot of money “they’ve” saved. And so… I rest on that. – Still bothers me: the references to “so and so”… “working”. Oh well… shit happens. – I’m now getting quite anxious about August/September and NY. But if this falls through… warm Autumn… my passport is still good until November… I still have choice: NY or QC. I won’t be finishing this Winter this year. I’m old. – And they’re round the fire out back: Eric is with them. Eric, 33. B&G 45. And Ms.B pointed out that I’m the “elder”. Indeed… at 61. Fukkem. – Jacquie did go to the house to get her tickets. Left a note. Didn’t feed Hallie. Left the lights on in kitchen, dining and bath-rooms. But I had my 4 franks, fried. Ice cream. A beer. – Watched an interview with 3 guys who were in Benghazi. Cried quite a bit, I did. This is a miserable world. – Another day done. Radio on. Soc.med. Hopefully sleep. I want to get the chips down tomorrow. Maybe try to mow the lawn. We shall see… when tomorrow is done. Quite frankly… j’m’en câllise.

Sun.3.Jul: 6.07 I woke just before the 6.00 alarm, but “dozed” for a bit. The alarm sounded as I was getting up to make coffee. Sun shining. Not even 60° out there this morning. May it stay “cool”. SO much I need to do this morning. CHIPS! MUST finish the chips, at least. MAYBE the mowing. MAYBE. – As I came up from ‘moke, Ms.B is awake. They closed the fire shortly after I went to bed last night, at about 23.00 or so. – Feeling a bit on the “bedraggled” side this morning. But nothing of any import. – I worry about Dixie though. She took quite the bite from Sascha (who has “Marie” as a “middle name” I learnt last night as Ms.G scolded her… what kid of faggotry is THAT?). The irresponsibility. Oh… and the statement made by Ms.G last night “Didn’t you just say, in bed, the other night, that, if we had kids, I’d be the strict one and you’d be the one to spoil them?” PUKE! VOMIT! Ca se peut tu? Voyons! Les chiennes. And I mean those two, and not the dogs. – Ah well, et bin. Another day. – I need the loo. Ms.B is in occupancy. Let us see where this morning goes. Straight to Hell… I’ve little-to-no doubt. – Strange, but I’ve noticed how my body has returned to the Shelter Days: I get up, have my coffee, my smoke and immediately, I have to get to the loo. All at once… I used to do that in the Shelter: get up, gulp coffee and have my smoke and loo immediately. I wonder what that’s about now. – 17.19 At 15.00 I took 2 Advil. At about 16.00 I took 4 Naprosyns. I’ve just come out of the shower. I can stand and sit. I half-napped for 45 ins. Let’s see how this goes. – Eric is here. – (On Monday morning) From the looks of the voice message from Jacquie, I guess my recorded times of meds was off by about an hour? Maybe an hour later than I thought? I went to the store at about 18.00, after a shower, to get cheese, rolls, cookies, crisps, a tin of chicken-noodle soup. My “meal” of the day. As I walked round la cage, Jada was having a smoke and Jacquie came by with her chair. Jada said the store was open until 19.00. Jacquie was en route to Pam & Dave, they were going to the “boat show” and fire-works at the lake. I’d left a note at Jacquie’s, when I’d gone there to check on Hallie, telling her about my back pain. She said she had Naproxyn at the house. (The bottle of Ibuprophin has been gone for several days… and that’s why I “found” the “Advil” in the cupboard and taken 2 of them.) She chatted about going to the fire-works and wanting to go berry-picking on Tuesday. She “slipped” a comment on the front of la cage, nothing too supportive, just an “insert” comment. As usual, when I’m in pain or such, it’s an inconvenience to others and so, the reaction is more a negative for them. Oh well. Funny, but if I’d felt better, I cold have borrowed the truck and gone to the Hannaford’s. But one doesn’t “ask” such things anyway. I’m very UN-like those who will ask such things… as seems to be the way round this town. None-the-less… Pam and Dave picked Jacquie up at the store, I went and got something to eat and came back to the room. When I came back in, B,G and E were at table… filling faces. I came to the room, put on some “QI” and ate. The 2 Advil and 4 Naproxyns were kicking in. Not perfectly pain-free, but much better. And the “QI” helped divert my attention away from the pain. – Now then… as I was getting the chips for the front, Jada came out for her smoke. Ms.B was powering-up the ride-on. Jada was funny: “What the hell is that? He’s mowing the lawn?!?” and “Does he know what he’s doing?” We chatted about the mower and such, and I mentioned how it came to be. (Later, Ms.B made a point of saying that Ms.P had bought it “out of the insurance money”. “It’s a good investment. She and Bruce bought it out of the insurance money so I actually paid for it.” I wonder if he didn’t hear the chat I had with Jada…. not that I give a shit, really. And I wonder: What ‘insurance’? But it’s none of my business.). – I must say though, he did a great job on the lawn… cutting neatly close to trees and the likes. The lines about the yard are every-which-way, but that’s what they do on the ride-ons… just cut… no sense of appearance. – Anyway, at about 21.00, the 3 of them took off to the fire-works, I got into bed, having taken the AlevePM, watched a bit of “Keeping Up Appearances” on the web. It was just after 22.00 when I put the lights out and they returned. – All said… the front of the house is done. There’ll be no more mowing necessary. Made it easier for those who remain when I’m gone away from here… may it happen (I’m quite taken with anxieties about that because of hearing nothing from Vincent… but I’ve got my “necessities” and no… No more of this shit. Why not “go” now? Not sure. Still….) I leave the place better than it was when I’d arrived. My “legacy”. – Closing thought: There was SO much talk about putting the vegetable plants that weren’t planted, onto the table at Jacquie’s for sale, and I could have what-ever income they generated. But she gave them all away… I’m assuming, and shall always assume, that the give-away is my “punishment” for not helping with the tilling, planting, and such. You know? I don’t give a fucking shit. Dog care would be costing her 75$ EACH WEEK, should she put Hallie into a kennel. I’m sure it would cost her similar, should she have had the twats she rents to, taking care. When it began, I was getting 50$ each week-end. As it is now, I’m getting 25$. Fuck off. OK? OK. Just fuck the fucking fuck off. Dog care, house work, floor-wash AND property care? 25$? We’ll not discuss: abuse.

Mon:4.Jul: 7.36 Shocked that I’m actually alive after all the pain meds yesterday. A groggy from the AlevePM. The pain is less than yesterday but the tightness is still very much “here”. Up from a ‘moke. They’ve just taken off to some-where. And Sascha is barking in her “kennel”. And I’ve got Ms. Hallie today. Oh well. Oh well, indeed. – I never finished yesterday’s entry. So I’ll fill-in the blanks as best I can. I’d like to go back to sleep. But… I shaln’t. There’s nothing much I can… CAN accomplish right now. But sleeping the day away isn’t something I’d like to do, really. Still… with the left-over pain from yesterday and the grogginess of the combo of pain-killers. – Another day. We shall see…. – 8.05 And yesterday’s filled-in. The store must be open because the folks are arriving. I need to figure a way to make some money. The “tourists” are in town. But… here I am… in pain. FUCK ME! – 14.02 Just up from an hour’s snooze. Took a Naproxyn and Acetaminophen. Back is “stiff”. Beautiful day out there too. Warm but not humid. What a waste. Oh well. I don’t care. – A note though: the black westerns of CK fit! Bare-foot but they fit! Could wear them for “dress” I suppose or just for. But I’m sorry I didn’t grab the ropers. Oh well… I delayed. Got these though. – Need to go let Hallie out soon. – The store is closed. I got a pack of smokes earlier. Good thing. But I’m out of coffee! A jar of ground is steeping. Tomorrow I shall ask Ms. Jacquie… she wants to go berry picking? Pays 25$/week now? I’ll ask for a lift to Hannaford’s. I need my coffee before the 13th. – 20.32 In bed (again). I’ve spent most of the day in or on the bed. But my back is shockingly better. Still walking like one of the old folks. But walking. – Just back from Hallie from since 18.30. She was in a “Don’t Leave Me” sort of mood. I hope Ms. Jacquie is responsible enough to return immediately this evening. I doubt it. But I hope so. If she wasn’t due back some time after 21.00, I’d have stayed with Hallie tonight. – Other than that matter, I’m not taking any meds for sleep tonight. Hopefully I won’t regret it. – Tomorrow will be tough… only my “steeped” coffee in the morning. But today it seemed to be OK. Either that, or it was all the meds. We shall see. – Tomorrow is supposed to get HOT again too… of course, because Madame wants to pick berries… under a miserably hot sun. Typical. Maybe I’ll go (if I can get a lift to the market). Maybe I won’t (if not). We shall see. – And to close: PLEASE let me hear from Vincent! – (I hear Ms.B calling Dixie… I think she’s out-side my door here. Poor little sweet-heart. Today I thought: If I can swing it, I WILL take her with me… but I’m not going to NY to “live”… I’m going back to go “home”. – 22.56 Dixie was crying at my door! I brought her into the room, put her little carpet down, gave her some treats. Then we went out for a ‘moke. She’s staying the night in the room. I wonder what the fuck is going on about this, now.

Tue.5.Jul: 6.11 and another day commences. Just up from morning ‘moke… with BOTH dogs. My back is “tight” this morning. Painfully tight. Left side, hip, mostly. And there’s a HEAVY SPOT in the centre of my chest. I’m trying to decide whether or not to take more Naproxyn or the Acetaminphen… or neither. Will wait and see. – Came back in from ‘moke and Ms.G is in the kitchen, dressed, pfutzing on the phone. I said “Good morning”, it forced a “mornin’”. Between the 2 of them, it’s disgusting. Oh well… I wonder if my presence doesn’t “impinge” some-how. Well… time. – I need coffee. Ms. J. wants berries. I’m in pain. The sun is shining. Forecast is for hot. This morning is cool. Nobody gives a shit. I shouldn’t either. One way or another, I need to find something to “do” with this day. I’d like, very much, to put gas in the car and just “go”… away… “go”. – Another day. – I fell asleep last night thinking that I should literally link all the blogs. – Oh… I don’t recall all of it but I had a DREAM:
I knew the teller at a banque… Viv, it was, some-how, and I went to exchange cash, U.S. to CAD. I needed 20$ for what-ever it was, and gave the 20US. I received a 20, 2 10s, a 5, 2 2s and 2 singles… paper, the old currency! But all the bills were brand new and for some reason, rather greasy, as if coated in petrolatum. I held up a 2 and said “I’m not spending THIS!” The teller/Viv asked why not and I said “Because these are rare now.” And I was rather wondering how my 20US could possibly be 51CAD. But was glad to have it. – I woke before the dream was done.
Gee… I wonder what THAT was about. Trouble coming with CIBC? Or am I coming into something. Yesterday, I briefly pondered closing the Postal TSP account to put into the car. I wonder. – 6.25 and Ms.G is gone. The house is still. The day commences. – 14.10 For some reason, dates came to me last night as I tried to fall asleep. Not exact dates, but approximate… and with them, Mr. G’s. So, since Ms. Jacquie went to a funeral this morning at 11.00 and I had little more or else that I could do because of my back, again, today I searched for the Evening News coverage of the fire AND FOUND IT! I got images of the paper and the coverage, and have posted them to “DeadArtist” just now:
https://deadartist.wordpress.com/contents/1970-1979/mr-gs-round-hill-lodge/
They’re also on the G’s Page on fesses-book! And so too… the link here. The “links” to me and such on the Internet are building. The “links” to the Journals too will soon be part of a search. My “bits” are coming together.
Sunday, 20 January 1974 at 23.30 the fire department responded.
20 January 1974
42 years ago.
18.20 Clinton’s getting away with all sorts of shit. The soc.med. is loaded with posts of disgust. Me? I’m disgusted because shit will continue as it always does and nothing will be changed for the better. Laws mean nothing any longer. – Vincent would like me to come by this week. I have no way of getting over there. But at least I’m still in the running. I take comfort in that much. And if all goes well enough, the week of the 16th we’re on no matter what and if I can, I will take the truck and go. Or tomorrow I’ll go for my TSP and put it into fixing the wheel. But even then, the money won’t come for a month. Oh well. We shall see. – Right now, I’m ready to get into bed and to sleep. Mme. Jacquie’s been to Québec. She’d taken Hallie to the lake earlier. So? So… nothing gets done that should be done and she’s off an running. I don’t know if she’ll be round tomorrow. – I snuck to the store for cheese and cookies and a tin of nasty Spaghetti-Os earlier. Ate the cheese and spaghetti for “dinner”. – Dixie’s been with me, at my side, all day. She’s out in the back with Ms.G and the guys who buy shit are here… Ms.B is up in the shed. – Tired… just tired. – Tomorrow is another day.

Wed.6.Jul: 3.17 WELL! I got my 9 hours of sleep in! I woke at 2.00 and dozed. And now I’m up from morning ‘moke. Nasty coffee, a Naproxyn and Acetaminiphen and vit.C. and HEAT! This room is Hellishly hot! My left hip is painful. And here we have the “tomorrow” I mentioned yesterday. And the only thing different is: it’s seemingly worse. – Just realised: Dixie and I are about the same age, if a dog’s 1 year is equal to our 7 years. “Old”. We are the “elders”. – A new day, old drudges. – With the political events of yesterday, the Clinton getting away with all sorts of crimes against the nation, the lawlessness of this country, the farce that is Canada of late, it makes a day not worth facing. – But as I stepped out this morning for my smoke, the air smelled of early mornings of my child-hood when I’d wake early and step out. Damp soil, cool air. “1973”… But that’s all gone now. And it will NEVER come back again. The time to “get out of this shit” seems more and more attractive…. more and more. – I’m tired. – 16.15 Took Dixie down to the brook where we got water for the house-plants, then went to visit Ms. Jacquie who’s working in her garden. Chatted with the New Gliddens for a moment. And back in the room… in the heat! – Ah… this morning I’d been looking for Opa’s obit by Bo Gill… can’t seen to find it in the news, but found Oma’s. THEN went out and MADE A SPRINKLER with one of my soda bottles and WET THE CHIPS OUT FRONT! IT WORKED! – BUT… *** When I went into the back barn to see about the “Miracle-Gro” house attachments…. ALL THE LICENSE PLATES THAT I’D WIRED TOGETHER AND PUT UP ON THE WALL ARE GONE! MsB SOLDE THEM! BUT… PROBABLY NOT FOR MUCH BECAUSE….
THAT OLD FUCK WANTED TO GIVE MsB 10 FUCKING BUCKS FOR THE REEL MOWER!!! SAID MsB: I TOLD HIM THT YOU’D (ME) PUT A LOT OF WORK INTO IT AND IF I WERE TO SELL IT, HE’D (ME) KILL ME! (I told him, MsB, that I’d nail him to a wall and set fire to the house and send a post card to the fire house. MsG simply smiled.) I’m taking that with me, some-how, when I leave here! MINE! ***
And so, I’ve nothing to eat this evening, but I’m not really hungry (and could probably stand to lose some of the 20lbs I’ve gained… might do my back some good. – Am concerned about the week-end and no pay again. We shall see how that plays out. – OH! This morning, I took a stroll over to Ms. Jacquie’s and what do I see in the garden? Her twat Michael and his little Patrick… putting down straw! Wonder of wonders! Miracle of miracles! It moved, came out of the house and DID something! WOW! Of course, all the while I was there, it ignored me. Not that I’m too upset by that, better to be in silence where that little twat is concerned. Still, I wonder what the fuck has been said behind my back I’ll find out soon enough, I’ve no doubt. – Well… time to take more meds and see where this evening goes. I need another pack of smokes too. – 22.28 Just getting in from a visit and beer with Jacquie and a very light “dinner” at Jes & Kerry’s. I’m a sweaty MESS! But I don’t dare to use the shower. Thankfully, tomorrow, Jacquie will be leaving at 10.30… I can make my wash right away! But I feel like shit. – Have to send word to Vincent that I can’t make the trip to NY this week-end. But he’s leaving on Friday so.. There’s always the 16th. Bless me. And Jacquie’s given me permission to take Hallie to St-Anne’s for swimming so that will rather cover a bit of the drive I’ll have to do. – I put the 2 gals. mower gas into the Subaru already. Will get more over the week-end. 5 gals is 33% of a tank and there’s 25% in there already. Nice. Little by little. – Anyway, I stink. My sweat is “sour” of late. “Old” and sour. Diet? Probably. And other things… like depression. – This evening, Jacquie asked what will happen to Dixie went I’m gone. “She’ll die.” she said. “If they had any heart at all (B&G) they’ll put her down. Other-wise, she’ll suffer and die. I wish I could take her in but it’s going to be difficult for me as it is.” My heart is crushing in on itself. Total faggots, these two. – Hopefully I’ll get SOME sleep. I can’t believe I’ve been up since 3.00 this morning. – Just took 2 Acetaminphen and an aspirin. I’m walking better, no pain to speak of but… tomorrow is another day… FUCK ME!

Thu.7.Jul.: 6.38 Dixie here, in the room, on the floor in this sauna-room. Just in from a smoke. I want to go back to sleep! I feel like shit, from yesterdays sweat and having slept in it. Had both dogs out this morning. Had to go fetch Sascha and then she jumped up on me and now, in addition to everything else, I’ve got a paw-print on my t-shirt. Not a good way to begin a day. Ms. Lardshit is, of course, back in the boudoir. Fucking waste. But my back is feeling MUCH better this morning and laundry will be done this afternoon. – Over-cast this morning. But rain isn’t in the forecast. Just clouds. I can, but probably won’t water the front again today. But there are things that will present to fill the day, I’ve no doubt. And at day’s end, all will be done. – That’s the way it goes. – I can’t help but think of the chat at Jes & Kerry’s last evening. Jes is with-out health insurance some-how. And he’s 67yrs of age. He tells that, because he didn’t apply for Medicare some years back, he has to pay a penalty of some kind. And he’s not with-in the “window period” now and will have to wait until January. This is the “reward” and “thanks” he gets for not sucking off of the “System”. He even commented about the country being at such a “low”. The world… is a fucking mess. We work and do our best for shit, whilst others do nothing and are pampered. It’s a “Leech” mentality. Worthless toil… for all except ourselves. Sickening. – But Dixie is on the floor, resting peacefully. Sascha is free to roam the house and cause what-ever it is she will. (Even Jacquie said, to me, last evening: All “they” need do is tell me when they won’t be around… But… as I tell her… that’s not how they are… no responsibility for ANYTHING. – And I begin the day, another day, with one thought: I will do what-ever it is I need to do… to get out of here… away. – Thursday, 7 July already. Time is rushing by. Just get me back to NY… I will NOT die in Vermont. – 21.20 I’m showered. The laundry is completely done. The fan is blowing at top speed. And I can’t stop sweating!!! It’s been like that all damned day! Ah, all day. I didn’t even bother getting dressed, in dirty clothes, until almost 13.30! Couldn’t… and I mean “COULD NOT” get my body to function most of the day. All the meds? Probably. Fatigue from the pain of the past 4 days? Oh, probably that as well. Nobody knows… nobody would give a shit… how much PAIN I’ve been in these past 4 days. But!!!! I don’t give a shit about them either. – E-mail from Vincent. He’s being extremely kind and understanding about my inability to travel there this week. We’re still on for next… or the 15th-17th. And today, I went to make my wash and visit and feed Ms. Hallie… No envelope for me. So… More gas into the Subaru and no washing floors. As I see by my calendar… the last time I got my “50” was on Monday, 27th JUNE! So… Monday was 4th July, Monday coming will be the 11th and IF I get another 50 on Monday, Hallie-sitting is DOWN to 25$/week, paid bi-weekly. A kennel costs 25$ PER DAY! SO… I’ll continue taking care of Hallie… but the rest? Well, let’s note that there’s lettuce and zinnias she expects to get planted… NOT by ME!
SHE decided originally, that 50$/week was “fair”.
SHE has obviously decided that a 50% cut is fair.
SHE was getting wood hauled, floors washed and dog care.
SHE will go find somebody ELSE to do the house-work now.
I will attend Hallie. PERIOD!
(I’m down to 9 cigarettes now and no money for more… NOT HAPPY! And today, I made a cup of rice/lentils. Food for the day.)
On another venue… I came into la cage to bring the 1st washes and MsB&G were headed out the front door (approx 16.30). Imagine! They go for a walk… together… how charming. B&L used to bike, I’m told, and walk. USED to. Anyway… I dropped the laundry and headed back to Jacquie’s to shower and Hallie barked! I looked out to see B&G walking… WITH DIXIE!!! NOW, it was heart-warming to see. (I wonder where Sascha was.) BUT I HOPE THIS DOESN’T BODE ILL FOR DIXIE BECAUSE, WELL, I’VE NO HEART, SOUL NOR PATIENCE FOR HER UN-NECESSARY/UN-DUE SUFFERING AND WILL RESPOND IN HER DEFENCE ACCORDING TO MY DECISION! – That said, I’m going to roll a rollie, there’s a tiny bit of tobacco left and it’s got to be about 35° in this fucking box. Cooler out now, but with only one window… – OH AND… I put the door and one “shutter” up on the “shed” today. Cute(ish). Was going to put the other shutter up, but the yellow-jacekts were a bit too active. They’ve a nest in the peak inside the fucking shed! So… it will have to wait until. – ROLLIE TIME! and hopefully a night of sleep… in spit of the fucking HEAT!

Fri.8.Jul: 7.20 DIARRHOEA! BLOATING! ROLLING, WAT’RY, REPEATED. I’ve been to the loo twice already since 6.00 and just up from first smoke and ready to go again! I can’t imagine what’s causing it… other than the rice/lentils of yesterday. Oh, doesn’t it just figure though? 4 days of back pain and now something else. Indeed. – Last night, at about 22.20, I discovered 2 messages from Pam. She asks if I’d tend her flowers over the week-end (for pay), watering. This week-end, when it’s supposed to rain. I have to get in touch with her this morning (I hope). She and Dave will be going away, and she mentions that she’d ask Jes & Kerry but she can’t be certain if they’ll be in town. It would help with smokes money. But… I shall see. A shame I didn’t get the messages earlier. We shall see if the offer still stands. – Vincent is being most understanding and is almost non-committal about the 16th. Still, I can only hope for that as well… “hope”. Right. – It was a delight to wake, this morning, in clean under-shorts on clean linens, with the fan blowing. Out-side, there’s a slight fog, grey, but cooler than it’s been. I need to check the weather. If no rain in forecast, I’ll have to soak the front of the house for the myrtle. Other than that? Hallie, and nothing else, really. – It’s going to be a bit of a tough one: no smokes and such. And eating? With my guts as they are, trying to “clean house”… I just don’t know. Best I can do: take it as it comes and goes. – 4 days of pain, followed by this. Always something. – Meanwhile, Dixie is in the room with me this morning. The rest of the house is silent. ‘twould be nice to be alone. One day… one day. – 21.11 IN BED AT LAST! B&G are “out for a ride”. I’m SHOWERED! All clothes are clean from the day which was watering the front, getting more gas into the Subaru, and “finding” money for smokes, planting zinnias and lettuce in “Jacquie’s” garden. Dixie spent the afternoon with Hallie and me in the garden. It was wonderful. I ate chicken patties (3) on 2 rolls and ice cream. This morning, I visited with Pam and Dave. I’ll be watering flowers up there the week coming. Their property is BEAUTIFUL! They have the bog from whence comes the Groat and Pam encouraged me to continue with my art, Dave showed me round their house and his grandfather’s exquisite water-colours. Pam has space in the house where she wants to open a “gift shoppe”… one of these days. Interesting… to have the space to do so and the ambition. – Today’s news had me crying quite a bit: 5 police officers murdered last night in Dallas over fucking niggers again. There’s no escaping that cancer. – The friend “David” (I believe his name is) from over on Patton Shore came by today whilst I was in the yard. He’s 82. Dave is about my age. We all seem to agree on a point: We’re quite happy to be old enough to not be depressed about being old because we’ll be out of this bull-shit soon… and we look forward to it. How utterly miserable. – Pam and Dave are in Maine for the week. On Wednesday, Jacquie leaves for Washington for a week or so. Jes stays to himself. Kerry, thankfully, has to spend more time in “Canada”. It leaves me pretty much alone in town and tonight I realised: I’m more of this town than the other 2 in this house. How odd. – I’ve also realised that my constant chronic fatigue and probably my aches and such are primarily the depression of being here. I do NOT even “like” being in this house, this town, this county, this state. Horrible. – The heat in this room doesn’t help. And I’d open another window, but tonight… I just don’t give a fuck.

Sat.9.Jul: 7.07 RAIN! AND A BIT OF LIGHTNING! AND A BIT OF THUNDER! RAIN! AT LAST! The front yard is being watered! The garden is being watered! At last. – la cage is quiet. I heard the 6.00 alarm and turned it off and woke just moments ago. I’d truly like to stay in bed. But, Hallie needs breakfast, and I have to check to see if any of Pam’s flowers need watering. – I shouldn’t have had that scotch-n-ginger last evening. I’m not “out” but I “know I had one”. – My left jaw and neck are stiff and sore. Ah… but if I woke and nothing hurt, I’d’ve died. – And although it’s delightfully cool out-side, it’s really rather miserably hot in this room. – And I think of being in a one-level “abode” one day, soon (I hope). No stairs to climb. I think I’ll miss a “second storey”. But then again… no. – Saturday. And a day where nothing “out-doorsie” can be done, really. – A comment made yesterday comes to mind: Ms.G says to Ms.B “You can’t mow the lawn on Sunday if it’s raining. You’ll have to do it on Monday after work.” Well, isn’t that “Life”. (I mowed under the Subaru yesterday… if I can find more gas, I can get the “usual” bit mowed… probably Monday… before the rest gets done. Oh well.) – And it’s bothering me, this shit about cutting my income by half… from 50$/week-end at Jacquie’s to 25$. And being rather ignored round this place, as if I’m almost some kind of “inconvenience”. I need to just … well, I’m doing it anyway, come to think of it: letting it just be as it is, and going on about my own concerns. – Dallas, Minnesota, Clintons and the rest. politics. Black people shooting and killing and murdering. And time here, in this shit-hole town, just rolls on, rolls along. And across the lake… the mountains… MILES of mountains… alone. – 14.19
A “Woodhauler” e-mail, just because:
Finally rainy here too today and I’ve taken advantage and slept for the past 2 hours! So there. Don’t care. Can’t care is more like it. Hallie got breakfast and so did I. Pam’s flowers don’t need water this morning so there I ‘m fine. The lawn can’t be mowed. The gardens here don’t need watering. I just don’t give a shit one way or the other to be quite honest. I’m having a tea, browsing the soc.meds and will go back to Hallie in a bit mostly so that I can say and it can be said that I didn’t just hang about. Oh, one day to simply not “do” because I truly won’t care what’s said. Mostly, that’s what keeps me going, you know… I don’t want to hear the whining… even though it comes anyway which is brilliant to think right now because HEY! No matter: done or not… the shit-bags whine. Nice! I think I’ll finish my tea and go dance. (Right)
(Funny how the font changed with the copy-paste. I don’t care… I just thought Woodhauler was pretty amusing in this one in spite of the fact that what’s said is true and yes, I am off to the soc.meds. Fuck you very too much I’m sure indeed.) – 20.43 In bed again. Licorice tea this evening. – Seems I spend every moment not moving, sleeping. All it takes is to sit some-where and I doze off. Even in the rocker on Jacquie’s porch. Something is draining the very life out of me. But I tell you one thing: before “it” gets me, I’ll be back on Home-state and I’ll take me out! – OK, that said, the news today is ANOTHER threat to Dallas police. Not bad enough that 5 officers were just murdered and not this too! AND a “Black shits matter” protest in, of all places, Rochester. As if THEY mean anything in the world at all. This world is fucked. – On the “Woodhauler”, somebody did a blog on Albany: the place everybody hates and nobody leaves, I sent a message to the blogger who replied. Imagine. Albany hasn’t changed over the years, folks still hate it as I did and have. – Just got in from Jacquie’s where I left everything as it should be. I had the same “meal” tonight as last. – Didn’t go to Pam’s because of the rain but will have to go tomorrow, indeed. – Tomorrow… I don’t know if it WILL rain. I’m hoping it does not only for the gardens which are looking happier from last night’s and today’s rain but so that *I* can get some of the lawn mowed so I can keep contributing something for a little while longer. – Truly, it’s come to the point where I just don’t give a shit about so much any more. I just don’t. – Dixie was with me in the room for a while. I let her back out so she can eat and get out to “potty” hopefully, during the evening. – The two are snuggling in the parlour. – I’m going to scan the soc.med., have my tea and hope for sleep. I’m tired… always. This world is not where I want to be any longer.

Sun.10.Jul:
LAKE WILLOUGHBY AND DERBY!!!
7.17 The morning is cool, and over-cast. Hopefully, there’ll be more rain. My back is a bit stiff this morning, and the lawn needs mowing. Dixie is in the room with me this morning. They let both dogs out about 20 minutes ago or so. (Dixie wanted to get back out into the house.) I’ve had the nasty coffee and it’s playing a bit of havoc with my gut. This week I’ll be able to get better.. .and more. I hope. – The morning began with the discovery of 2 “journals” which have been on the little book table beside the bed. Journals of meetings of “The Franklin Lodge” of the Free Masons. Imagine? 1878! Might make for interesting reading. I still wonder if there’s a market for that medal. I have it packed some-where. I’ll have to look and see if there is a market and how much others would part with to get one. Hmm… Am also pondering re-listing the canoe for the week. Let’s see what comes of it. If I could get 200 out of that, I could get a repair on the Subaru. I’m at the point where Tony Muscle’s words come back: “God knows that I need something and puts it where it’s available.” He said that about a mobile phone that he had. And I can’t help but think: Maybe he was right. Oh well… “God helps those who help themselves.” What exactly does that mean anyway? Perhaps it means exactly as it reads. – Well, there’s Hallie this morning. No doubt, Jacquie will be late today. She said she’s going to Costco before coming back. No prob. Just bring some cash, dear. I’m in need. We shall see. – Pam’s flowers, Hallie and… I’ve been in a mood to paint or create. I just don’t have the space. – What bothers me most these days is the chronic fatigue. I sit, I doze. I ponder, I become tired. Just no energy. Depression too. – And, as I think: there’s a small “marble composition” book in with those other books. The only thing written in it, on the last page, torn in half: “I’m staying here. Lyle”. Cryptic. I wonder what he wrote that about/for. – No matter… I want to get out and back to NY. Hopefully, this week will bring THAT to “be”. – My face is stiff this morning. Left side. Neck too. Bad tooth. Bad circulation. I wonder if there isn’t something in an artery. I wonder. I just don’t want to slowly fall apart. I just want to “go”. But not in VT. – Another day… more aches. Another day. This is not what I lasted 60 years for. Although, this is what happens when… as I thought (again) yesterday: Always giving to others… in life in general and as jobs.. and when my time of “need” comes…. the world goes empty. We’re born of no choice of our own… then tossed aside to fend. I never learnt how to properly fend. AND, for so many years, being put down… THAT is what I need to break through because it was never true. I can’t “fix” the troubles of the world… but I MUST fix my own! NOW! – Notes to me, from the re-building of my past:
Don Marsh – Bernadette Cardillo
Ronnie Barone and Dolphy
Tony Speedie Burns
Bubby Royal
Jasper Ricket
Dennis P Nixon (19 Parmenter) 65yrs/2016
I need to continue putting together “DeadArtist”.
Oma: 1906
Opa: 1903
11.19 Took Dixie with me to breakfast with Ms. Hallie and Poulet and it went very well! – I’ve JUST FINISHED POSTING A FINAL FOR THE FUCKING CANOE FOR THE COMING WEEK UNTIL SUNDAY. I’M DONE WITH THIS SHIT! – ALSO… NOTED THIS MORNING, WALKING ABOUT 5199 & 5225:
ODDLY (NOT) THAT SINCE I’VE SLOWED MY WORKING ROUND HERE, THE PLACES ARE GOING TO SHIT.
I SAY NO MORE ON THE MATTER.
La cage is quiet because they’re back out some-where. Over-cast and cool. The fan is off for the first time in weeks. My bloody tea’s gone cold from the 6 postings for the fucking canoe. I’m off to a smoke. And I need more of those as well! But I’ll be fucked today… with no pay… this is TWO BLOODY FUCKING WEEKS. – 23.07 “In Loving Memory of” and the horse… decal on the back window of the truck parked beside a black car in front of the store. The guy in the truck is chatting with and yelling at the gal in the car… at this hour. And to think, I’ve mentioned this shit to Pam and only today, to Jacquie as well. This town is turning “ghetto”. Hopefully there won’t be any crack-smoking tonight and it won’t be a repeat of last week-end with the loud screaming. But, when I just left Jacquie’s, her up-stairs twats were having quite the brawl! I’d taken Hallie out for last “business” and could hear them yelling at each-other… as I was walking along the Highgate Street! When I got into the house, poor Jacquie was coming out of her bed-room and quietly asked if I’d heard them up-stairs. She’s nervous about Kailah leaving and being stuck with Michael. “I’ll have to get a lawyer and evict him.” Well, she’s in for it, I might suppose. But… as we were thinking of it, it truly isn’t easy to find a person, “such as myself” as Mum used to say, who’ll be considerate, clean, quiet, and help round the house. And me? I most certainly wouldn’t take the place, even free. I want out of this town and state. Oh well… we can only hope. Still, I managed to tell her about Michael’s miserable temper, as I’d witnessed only last Summer. It’ll be interesting to see where this all goes. – MEANWHILE…..
I’d gone over at about 14.00 to check on Hallie and Jacquie was in, on the recliner, exhausted. Seems she, her Lis and I were having the same week-end… just wanting to do nothing but sleep. “Weather”, we agreed. But then, as we chatted, she asked if I wanted to “go for a ride some-where”. I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to go get my coffee at Hannaford’s but didn’t mention it and truly, I really wasn’t in much of a mood to drive about. I suggested having a tea (for both of us, as a “pick-up”) so we had and as we had tea she asked if I’d like to go to WILLOUGHBY! Well, yeah, I’ve heard so much about the lake, being the last of the truly clean and “swimmable” lakes left in the state, but it was a distance away. Jacquie wanted to go, bring Hallie for a swim. The best way to get there would be into Enosburgh to E. Berkshire, to Montgomery and over. Hey! Enosburgh? COFFEE! OK! Let’s go then!
***** NEK *****

And… we did, round about 16.00. Enosburgh for gas. Hannaford’s where I got 2 coffees, a creamer and PopTarts and ON THE ROAD… I DROVE! Driving into E. Berkshire was a luv. I even commented that that area, of all places in VT, felt like “home”, even though I’ve spent MORE time in Fuklin than anywhere else. – We drove along…. Montgomery (Viv’s favourite place, and I see why… it truly is a beautiful little town. As Jacquie said: Much higher calibre than Fuklin.), Montgomery Center, Lowell, Irasburg, Orleans, and a little detour of sorts to try and find Brownington Center… off on a dirt road along “Schoolhouse Rd.” (I see from the atlas now, had we made the left turn instead of the right, we’d’ve gotten there but… ) The Schoolhouse Rd. brought us right to the 5A and…. LAKE WILLOUGHBY!!! AND WOW! IT *IS* BEAUTIFUL! Even in the mist, the clouds, there it is… just this lake in the midst of the mountains! One cliff reminded me SO MUCH of the Millbrook Ridge of the Shomgum! Over-all, it reminded me much of Awosting… another lake… just there, in the mountains, a “hole” filled with water… crystal clear water. Sadly, there was a sign: Infested with Euroasian Milifoil. Ah… the waters of the world… “infested” with something. But still… WOW! The beauty! We stayed a while, Hallie fetched sticks, I took photos (will have to include them here!) and we wandered a bit for about half and hour. It was well worth the almost 2 hours it took us to get there though. Breath-taking! THEN, as we were getting ready to leave, Jacquie suggested going North to Derby. (Not Derby Line, which is about 8km farther North, but Derby, none-the-less.) AND… we were on the 5 to the 105 and… up to Derby Center! She wanted to stop at a place called “The Derby Cow Palace” steakhouse. So we did. Out back, there was a fenced area will quite a few creatures that looked like deer on steroids. Neither Jacquie nor I could figure out what they are BUT… I went to the fence and 2 came over… I got to pet them and one gave me ALL SORTS OF LICKS/KISSES! SO CUTE! When we went into the resto I asked the nice waitress what they are… ELK! I GOT KISSED BY AN ELK! (Jacquie laughed at how animals just take to me… I laughed… I’m not good with people but animals like me.) And so, the “Cow Palace” is “rustic” in a clean and really comfortable fashion and the prices, not so bad. I had a “Swtichback” beer and a “buffalo burger” (elk was on the menu but not available but that’s OK, considering I’d been kissed by one. Oh… when I asked about them, the elk, the waitress said “They’re elk.” I asked “Are they on the menu?” “Yes, but not today, we’re out of elk.” I glanced out the window toward the field and she smiled “No, it’s not a ‘pick which elk you want’ situation.” We laughed a bit.) And so, Jacquie had a Switchback and “bourbon steak tips” kabab and gave me 2 pieces. She said she wasn’t really hungry. I don’t know that that was all too true. Granted, she DID put some aside for Hallie as well. We didn’t have coffee nor dessert but the burger was just fine for me. – Dinner done, it was almost 20.30 by the time we were leaving… Back onto the 105 and… through Newport, Newport Center, NORTH TROY (my telephone number), up over Jay, through Richford and I took the “back way” to get through Berkshire and into Fuklin. It was about 22.00 when we got back to Jacquie’s. We clocked the distance from Willoughby to the house… about 70 miles. So all told, we did over 140mi today… since the way to the lake wasn’t really “direct”.

***** NEK *****
And so… when I got back to la cage, all was quiet and dark and such. I managed to get in and up to the room un-detected. Put the coffee and creamer up, jotted some notes on the day (I’m catching-up on Monday morning here), the idiots in front of the store left after a short while and by about midnight… lights out! – WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY!

Mon.11.Jul: 7.37 I woke with the first alarm this morning at about 6.00 and tried to go back to sleep until as late as possible but… I half-dozed and had a dream which woke me again. So I got up and… I’VE OPENED THE NORTH WINDOW! 13 SCREWS ON THE PLEXI! BY HAND! BUT IT’S OPENED! AIR IS CIRCULATING IN THE ROOM! NOW, I’D BETTER BE GONE AND OUT OF HERE BEFORE THE COLD WEATHER SETS BACK IN! (I wonder how warm the other place will be, but I don’t want to pass another Winter in this room… in the bitterness here. And now, I’ve got more little boxes that need to be packed and sealed and readied to GO! But… there will be air CIRCULATING, for a change. And with 40° coming on Wednesday, it’ll make a difference… a better difference.) – Have had COFFEE! BUSTELO! AGAIN! AT LONG LAST! DELIGHTFUL! Bad news? Only a HALF cigarette left! Oh well. Life CANNOT BE COMPLETELY GOOD. –
The DREAM?
Lyle, VERY ill, and a crowd of people gathering round. Some guy comes to me, as I’m doing something else round the house (as usual), he’s got a bundle of red candles. He asks me if I’d help them “with the lifting”. Lifting? What’s being “lifted”? He asks me to come with him. I go with him into a room filled with people! Men, women, Penny, Bruce. There’s Lyle, walking about, in a sort of white “robe”. He wants to be “lifted” for some kind of “ceremony” where-by he’s lifted up, before death! In the dream, I understand it to be a Jewish ceremony, similar to the hagbah, the lifting of the Torah, but the person is lifted, by all these people, to “raise the body and spirit” closer to God or something. I’m more offended because, well, Lyle isn’t Jewish! I take offence because he’s trying to be Jewish! But I point out that lifting him is dangerous to him AND to all the people lifting because of his weight! Should he fall or be dropped, he could seriously injure others! Penny starts giving me an argument that this is his “final wish”. I argue that, should SHE or ANYBODY else drop him, and should he fall on some-one slighter, he could possibly break backs and bones and necks and such. HE won’t be injured, necessarily because of falling on somebody else. I’ll have NO part of it! I go out of the room to a garden to attend it and looking back into the room, I see somebody setting-up multiple blue candles round the “table” where Lyle is laying down, and others bring in a blue tarp “canopy”, white PVC tubing frame. in disgust, I comment to somebody standing beside me “Now he’s going for a CHUPAH! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ABOUT? IT’S MOCKERY!” I see the canopy, flimsy as it is, already assembled, swaying a bit as they try to set it up over the table, as the crowd tries to lift Lyle, now in a supine position. And just as they actually start to lift him up, I wake.
WHAT, I wonder now, prompted THAT dream? – Anyway, there’s a day ahead. Jacquie wants to put more plants into the garden. I have to go check Pam’s flowers for watering. It’s supposed to clear up, weather-wise, and I’d LIKE to get “my” part of the lawn mowed during the day. But even more, I wonder if Ms. Jacquie will see that I’m paid for the 2 weeks of “Hallie-sitting”. I doubt it. Seriously. So with half a cigarette… this promises to be quite a difficult day. Indeed. I suppose. – 8.43 Sun shining. Day begins. Where it will go from here is anybody’s guess. But there are things to be done… I’m catching up with this journal and will then take off. I’d like another smoke but… only half of one left! I see tough times ahead with this day. – 23.10 WHAT A DAY! Aside from putting straw on the pumpkins and squash with Jacquie AND HAVING DIXIE THERE ALL DAY….
***** JACQUIE AND I WENT TO CARMI AND BROUGHT HALLIE *AND* *DIXIE*!!! AND IT WAS *THE* *MOST* HEART-WARMING SIGHT, SEEING *DIXIE* *SWIMMING*!!! ABSOLUTLEY AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL!!! HOW SHE TOOK TO THE WATER, FETCHING STICKS AND BRINGING THEM BACK!!! MY GOD!!! IT WAS *SO* *STUPENDOUS*!!! And at the same time, almost heart-breaking to think that neither Bobo NOR Mme. Princess most likely NEVER bothered to take her for such a thing! Equally heart-breaking is that when it was time to bring her back to la cage, SHE DID *NOT* WANT TO COME BACK!!! Jacquie even said that if she could afford to, SHE’D TAKE DIXIE IN! “But when you leave” said Jacquie, meaning when I leave “it’s going to be so hard on me with Hallie. I’m going to have to ask them (the twats up-stairs) to watch her or I’m going to have to find someplace to bring her when I go to work.” (Well, don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone?) It’s sweet to know that Jacquie WOULD take Dixie in, if she could. She, Jacquie, worries about Dixie as much as I do. But the fact is: I cannot stay here very much longer, and simply work toward my housing. And I don’t want to stay in VT merely existing as I do. Well… maybe something will come along and maybe I WILL be able to bring Dixie… or come back and get her. I can HOPE! Still and meanwhile… WHAT A MIRACLE TO SEE HER ENJOYING THE SWIMMING SO MUCH!!! Jacquie’s planning on bringing both back to the lake tomorrow… with me, of course. AND she said that if it gets hot whilst she’s gone, I should take them myself!!! And, I’m planning on doing so! *****
THEN, we got back to the house, had a beer, I brought Dixie back and took a SHOWER, changed my clothes and walked up to Jes & Kerry’s where they’re having house-guests, relatives of Jes’. And we had a dinner and tea… THAT proved rather interesting when ONE rather faggy opinionated fellow who claims to be “straight” began talking about Hillary Clinton. “She’s not a thief.” he began. OH SHIT! A real fucking Dem/Libshit. The topic was changed when he became almost intolerable, defending her. But as I said to Jacquie as she and I walked back to her house tonight: I’m truly quite fascinated by those people. Truly. How can they be so utterly stupid? Jacquie rather laughed and agreed. They’re such a threat to Life itself! But… Good time to be old… – Well… tomorrow night is the “TOUGH” one. I have to be up, awake and ON THE ROAD by 3.30 on Wednesday morning to get Jacquie to the airport! I should get to sleep now, but… soon. I’ll get me up at 5.30 tomorrow morning no matter what so to be tired enough to get to sleep by about 20.00 tomorrow night. – In closing: 100 today. I see it as: 50 for the past 2 weeks and probably 50 for the next 2. In any event… gas money for the truck and a trip to Moriah! May THAT happen! PLEASE! – Dinner, it seems, is stuck in the oesophagus and is trying to come back up. The food was fine but… all said, it was a lovely time. I didn’t want to attend but… I’ve done. Social obligations done. – Time for brief soc.med. and try for some sleep. – It’s cooler out tonight and in the room, now that the North window is open again.

Tue.12.Jul: 7.06 Sunny morning. Full house. MsB is off to the dentist to have at tooth removed. – Yesterday they got a new chain saw, cut the box alders out of the blueberry bushes and, as I’m to understand, some other things in the back yard. Ah, the things that happen when one’s not paying attention. None of my business. – I have to wonder, with the bull-shit rumour circuit around this town, whether they’re aware of my pending departure. This place is making me quite ill and angry and fed-up. Oh well. Nothing’s been mentioned. I’ll not mention it. – I’d like to get at least MOST of the lawn mowed this morning. Have to get to Pam’s flowers too. Then, possibly getting the dogs to the lake. (I’ve been told that B knows Dixie likes to swim. I wonder how he knows.) – Speaking of Dixie… “Come the 1st of the month, she’s got a vet’s appointment.” WELL! CA SE PEUT TU? Medical attention too? I’m impressed! And thankful. – Well.. I have to keep me busy and such for the day, exhausted for tonight. Tomorrow is 2.00 rise and road. Lettuce sea. – 19.43 IN BED AND SHOWERED! AND TIMING IS EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD!!! – IT’S BEEN NON-STOP SINCE ABOUT 9.00 THIS MORNING! “They” were up and awake when I went for a smoke. Ms.B had a dentist appointment and then something to do with money coming from Social Security… in BTV. Dentist: extraction. How charming to have that luxury. And as for the money from Soc.Sec.? Probably Lyle’s! Sunnuvabitch! People getting money they didn’t earn. I’m burnt! ANYWAY… they left at about 8.00ish and by 9.00ish I was out the door! Took Dixie out with me and we cut some “sticks” to go to the lake this afternoon (which never happened.) Then I took her across the brook and got more myrtle and then put up a little window-box under the shutter on the shed wall and planted the myrtle in it. Hauled a 5gal bucket of rain water to water that. Next!!!! Mowed the fucking lawn from the front to the fence-line in the back! Did it in sections. Was going to mow only right behind the house but broke it into sections: To the front of the barn, to the back of the barn, to Daisy’s Garden, to the fence line. But I tell now: It was SO FUCKING HOT out there that when I’d done to the back of the barn, I seriously thought I would DIE! PAINFUL! GOD-AWFUL! Hot, sweating, PAIN! BUT… I came to the room, had 2 room-temp “iced teas” and finished the work. Byt then it was about noon and I went to Jacquie’s to check on her. Had a “samich” and a glass of water. She wanted to take Hallie and Dixie to the lake. I wanted to put the chicken wire across the back flower bed so I came back to do that and then when I went to get Dixie…. THEY WERE BACK FROM WHAT-EVER AND IN THE ROOM WITH THE DOGS!!! WELL… THAT FUCKED THE TRIP TO THE LAKE FOR M’DIXIE! BUT AT LEAST SHE WAS IN THE AIR CONDITIONED ROOM. Jacquie gave me a lift up to Pam’s where I watered her plants… which were DRY, and chatted with the kitty for a touch… and came back to la cage to water the front myrtle and wet the chips. Ah… THIS IS WHEN THE SHIT HIT THE FAN!!!! Ms.B WAS MOWING THE BACK AND APPARENLTY Ms.G WAS HAULING THE TREES AND SUCH THAT Ms.B HAD CUT YESTERDAY. SEEING ME IN THE BACK YARD, Ms.B COMES RIDING UP TO THE HOUSE TO SAY: “Gordon’s having a rough time with the brush. Do you think you could help?” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? I FUCKING MOWED THE LAWN, PUT THE FENCING UP, WATERED THE FUCKING FRONT OF THE HOUSE AND WAS AT IT ALL FUCKING DAY! *NEVER* *NEVER* *NEVER* IN THE THREE FUCKING YEARS THAT I’VE WORKED ROUND THIS FUCKING DUMP HAS ANYBODY EVEN SO MUCH AS OFFERED A GLASS OF COLD TAP WATER!!! AND NOW YOU FUCKING HAVE THE FUCKING AUDACITY TO ASK *ME* TO HELP A PIECE OF SHIT THAT DOESN’T EVEN TALK TO ME? YOU FUCKING FAGGOT! I GATHERED MY WITS AND SIMPLY SAID “WHEN I’M DONE WITH ALL THIS.” AND LEFT IT AT THAT AND Ms.B RODE OFF TO THE BACK YARD. I GRABBED MY BAG, DIXIE FOLLOWED AND WE HEADED TO JACQUIE’S. I THOUGHT SHE’D STILL BE AT THE LAKE AND WE COULD SIT ON THE PORCH. BUT SHE WAS BACK! I LET LOOSE ON HER WHEN I TOLD HER THE LITTLE SAGA. HONESTLY? SHE WAS ANYTHING BUT “SYMPATHETIC” I CAN TELL YOU THAT MUCH! FUCK! AND QUITE HONESTLY, IF I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE USE OF THE TRUCK OVER THE WEEK-END (HOPEFULLY TO GET TO NY), I’D’VE TOLD HER TO FIND HER OWN WAY TO THE AIRPORT TOMORROW MORNING AT 3.00! BUT, WE HAD A BEER, A LITTLE PASTA SALAD, A SLICE OF BANANA BREAD, SHE SHOWERED, I TOOK THE LADIES ROUND THE HOUSE FOR “BUSINESS” AND A SIT ON THE FRONT PORCH. SERIOUSLY! THERE’S SOMETHING TERRIBLY *WRONG* WITH THESE TRASH HERE IN THIS TOWN. ABUSIVE SHITS, THE LOT.
Well then, Jacquie’s got a 19.00 “meeting” at the church. She showered and as we left, Dixie jumped into the truck! So we all rode over to the church and I walked Dixie back. – When we arrived, “they” were gone! I bolted up, jumped into a MUCH-NEEDED shower AND…. went down for a smoke. When I got back in, I saw the “Rav” out front! Ran up the stairs and saw: they went out to get gas for the mower. BUT… as I said: Timing is everything. – And now, I’ve got the alarms set for 2, 2,15 and 2,25 tomorrow morning. I’ve taken 2 acetaminophens, just in case of pain and perhaps to “mellow” for sleep.
NOTE: AT 16.00 WHEN JACQUIE DROPPED ME AT PAM’S, THE THERMOMETER IN HER TRUCK READ 95°F (35°C HUMIDEX HAD TO BE ABOUT 42!/107f)!!!!! I GOT THE MYRTLE, PUSHED A FUCKING LAWN MOWER AND WATERED THE FRONT “BED” IN THIS HEAT… “COULD I HELP GORDON”? HOW ABOUT IF I’M IN THE MOOD TO BE A KIND HUMAN BEING WHEN I LEAVE HERE I DON’T BURN THE FUCKING PLACE TO THE FUCKING GROUND! I’LL KILL THE FUCKING FLOWERS THOUGH!
It’s 20.09, the fan is on full, thankfully the North window is open. It’s miserably hot in here. I think Ms.B is finishing the lawn-mowing and it’s time for me to try for sleep! 6 hours from now it’s “ON THE ROAD!”. –
21.00 FUCKING DOGS FIGHTING IN THE HALL OUT-SIDE THE DOOR! FAGS ARE PROBABLY OUT IN THE YARD OR IN THE ROOM BEING FAGS. FUCKING SHIT-BAGS OF OLD DOUCHE WATER THAT THEY ARE.

Wed.13.Jul: 2.30 on the dot. I’m up, coffee’ed, ‘dressed and ‘moked. Ca se peut tu? Ready to “roll”, as it were. And on what? 4 hours of sleep? Indeed. Ah, but as Pam put it: “You’re reliable.” I can’t help but think: there was a time when I wouldn’t think of leaving the house with-out brushing teeth and showering. And these days, well, this morning, I showered before bed last night (thank you), and now, I’m just dressed and ready to walk out the door in a few minutes. Not bothering with the rest. Ah, how times have changed. How they’ve changed. – The sky is still stuffed with stars. But there isn’t even a “morning chill” in the air out there. It’s cool enough in the room, with the fan running. It’s going to be a miserably hot day. I wonder if I’ll be able to come back and “nap”. If I time it wrong, I’ll be coming back in as Ms.B is leaving or just waking. Must remember to time myself accordingly. Or, just go to Jacquie’s and pass out on the recliner? I could certainly do that. I HATE existing like this: having to be concerned about such shit. Soon… PLEASE…. SOON!!!! –
Back in at 21.17 (from notes before passing out … catch-up on Thursday morning, 10.34):
Yes indeed… even in the 45° Humidex, I managed to keep busy, between falling asleep on and off all through the day. I spent ALL day at Jacquie’s too, firstly to stay away from THAT hole, secondly because it’s cooler at Jacquie’s. – Jacquie sent a message when she got to JFK this morning. I’m rather sorry that I wasn’t on-line to keep her company on her 2hr lay-over. But I was relieved to know that she’d made it alright And then, later, she sent word from Washington that she’d arrived there. Now THAT was a relief. These days, we just don’t know WHAT the fuck these idiots and morons are capable of pulling, in their zeal to fuck the civil world to death. Anyway. she’s there. And safe. – This morning, in an effort to stay awake, I raked the weeds up and out in the shed area at 5225 to keep them from over-taking the area. I’ll do that for as long as I’m “here”. I had both dogs out whilst I “worked”. Poor things, locked in that hole all day. At least it’s air-conditioned though. Still, Sascha is in a cage, in the dark! Fuck these faggots. Really. May Karma be swift. It would be nice if I could actually witness the event. Or… perhaps I should take Penelope’s advice: Sometimes ya gott give Karma a kick in the ass to get it going. We shall see. But I brought Sascha back into the hole and Dixie over to Jacquie’s for the day. – Whilst Hallie and Dixie were out in the yard/garden, I managed to plant the lettuces and finish the strawing. It was MISERABLE! HOT! HUMID! SEERING! But it’s DONE! One less thing to hear the whining about. And I can’t help but think about the twat up-stairs at Jacquie’s saying, last Summer “I see you out there sweating your balls off.” Ah… to all… Eat shit. – After the “gardening”, came in to do my best to cool down. Unbenknownst to any-one here, this is taking quite a toll on my old body this year. there’s constant pain in my chest, and my neck is always stiff, left side, and shoulder too. Oh well… one of these days I’ll be granted “rest”… I suppose. One way or another… “God”, Nature or my-self. – When cooled. I got to cleaning the kitchen a touch. The dishes, counter-top, Hoovered the floor. It’s infested with fruit flies! So I put a little “trap” with vinegar up on the window sill. Seriously, it’s so bad that they get into the face even in the parlour! Then, it was back to a nap… Each “nap” today has been passing out on the recliner for about an hour or more! I’m WASTED! And I’ve been completely DRENCHED WITH SWEAT ALL ALL DAY LONG! ANY SLIGHTEST MOVEMENTAND DRENCHED! I heard, on the radio, late this after-noon, that the temperature was 30, but I’d swear the Humidex had to be closer to 50! – There’d been a message about the canoe on my e-mails, with a phone number. I got to call it. It was the person who’d sent messages “Call me at your earliest…” “whether it’s sold or not.” Well, fuck me! They found another canoe already. I lost a potential sale. I’m a bit miffed at me about that. But I can still hope… to sell it before Jacquie gets back. Will have to work on that. – At about 16.00 or so, I put the 2 ladies into the truck and brought them up to Pam’s where I watered her flowers. The ladies stayed in the truck. It was just TOO hot to go to the lake for any of us. But the flowers needed watering and I wasn’t in the mood to walk up the road… and i wanted to bring Dixie and Hallie for a little “ride” just to get them away from the houses and such. Poor little sweet-hearts that they are. We drove round the Square Rd. instead of up Main St. to get to Pam’s and then down Main to get back. – At about 17.00 it was time to get Hallie’s dinner so I brought Dixie back to 5225 to the air-conditioning and I went to the store for chicken patties, bread, ice cream, fucking diet tonic, cheese “curds” (dinner). Back at Jacquie’s I made 3 patties on rolls for me, followed by ice cream. Then a ‘moke on the front porch with Hallie which turned into the GREATEST ENTERTAINMENT!!!
Not seeing Mme. Poulet in the yard, I asked Ms. Hallie where she was. WELL! She found her: under the forsythia! AND THEN proceded to CHASE her round and round the bush! All the while, Mme. was YELLING! Next thing I see, Ms. Hallie got to her and it made me VERY nervous, so I intervened and Mme. came to the porch, to the steps and put her head under the porch… to “hide”. Like an ostrich, I suppose she felt safe and hidden because SHE couldn’t see anything. But Hallie got right up to her and sniffed at her. I got Hallie away and gave Mme. a few comforting strokes on the back. But she wouldn’t come back out. So I got Hallie away completely, brushing her and Mme. came out, bounced her way over to the North side of the porch and got into the petunia box and there, took her usual proud stance and LET LOOSE WITH ALL SORTS OF CACKLES AND SUCH! I’D SWEAR SHE WAS BITCHING AND CURSING! IT WAS ALMOST HYSTERICAL! Cuckle-cuckle-cuckle… b’KAW! Yeah, she was PISSED! But when I went over toward her, she jumped off the porch and headed for the safety of her roses. WHAT a spectacle! And I thought: What a difference from my days in The City. Here I am, up here, in the midst of nothing but dregs and nasty town’s folk, entertained and amused by a dog and a chicken. Life is strange. Indeed. But I enjoy it… alone.
Well… after the entertainment, I came back in, cleaned the bath-tub with an old, topless can of “Scrubbing Bubbles” and took my shower, scrubbing ME too. Watched the news until about 21.00 with Ms. Hallie. By then, I figured 5225 would be in bed and so it would be “safe” to return. And… so it was. BUT… even at 21.00, the simple stroll of 2 houses got me into another sweat! It’s THAT hot and humid! – In the room, I put the fan on highest. FUCKING HELL in that room! A check of the météo at 21.45: 27° with Humidex of 36! The room is misery! But the rest of 5225 is “comfy” with the a.c. Die of heat in Summer… Die of cold in Winter. I NEED to get OUT of this shit! – Tonight, I hope… HOPE for a refreshing night’s sleep! Tomorrow threatens a repeat of today. To think: This is the Canada border… the North Country. Others are under the impression that it’s cool up here. They should only know. I used to believe that, if it got too hot in NYC, I could come back up here. I’m here. It’s miserable here too. There’s no escape, save… Baffin Island, and I don’t believe I’ll ever make it up there… not any longer. – And meanwhile, I have to wonder about when the “notice” will come: You have to go. I don’t trust Ms.B and most certainly do NOT trust Ms.G. Oh well… fukkem. It’s either get back to NY and a bit of peace or, well, shit, at this point BDMs and such. I don’t much care which. At least the properties are presentable.

Thu.14.Jul: 7.10 HOT! HOT! HOT! AGAIN! But a full night’s sleep. Still… the thermo’s on barn and shed read 80° already. And even just sitting here, on the bed, I’m “clammy” already. It’s going to be another one of “those” days. I have to catch-up with yesterday now, because I got only notes for yesterday. – 10.27 Laundry is in the dryer, and the kitchen at Jacquie’s is “clean” enough for now. I’m at her table, with a coffee… on my own lap-top here. Hallie is lounging in the parlour. Another HOT day. – As I was leaving 5225 this morning, Ms.G was just waking (at about 9.00). I gathered my “daily needs” and headed out. Had to go back though, for coffee and as I left, Ms.Thang was seated at table… completely ignoring me. I suppose I’m back at the head of the “Dick List” for not dropping everything the other day and running to help the lard-arse. Oh well… THEN, a quick browse of the fesses-book this morning revealed: Ms.B has returned to “Bender” AND Ms.G is using the same family name! WELL! And all the cutesy photos of kayaking on the swamp! I posted, to my “author” page, a blurb about finding it “interesting” that one person can attend to three homes, none of which one has any personal, direct interest in and still, one can be disrespected and ignored. Oh well. Fukkem. Truly. No matter what, I won’t be about this shit for much longer, be it a place in the Adirondacks or a “place” in the Adirondacks. Hell! At this juncture? I don’t even care about dropping dead in the middle of a yard some-place… here. – Now… to catch-up with yesterday’s notes and put “Les Bicyclettes de Belsize” on the iPod. More music! – PS: I’m making a trap for the yellow jackets in the shed. This morning, they were getting a tough TOO aggressive. I do it… for ME! – 11.24 Laundry on 2nd dry. Journal caught-up. It’s that “hot, hazy, humid” sort of weather that looks like the Heavens are about to burst into violent storm. I’d like to take the ladies to the lake, but in this sort of condition, I’m more worried about a sudden bolt of lightning. If they were in the lake and it struck, I’d never be able to live with the pain of guilt! Well… Ms.Hallie is here with me, the fan is on and the house is still “coolish”. Ms.Dixie is at 5225 in the a.c. Little blessings, I suppose. – Next on the agenda? Music to the iPod. After that? I don’t know. Fold laundry and then… what-ever happens. Even Jacquie said, in her last message “NO GARDENING TODAY!” Nope… there are things I’d LIKE to do, but, there’s always tomorrow. Today… we “do” things that don’t cause heat-exhaustion. It’s nice though… the radio is on “Classique” and the fan is cooling. If only I could get rid of the painful stiffness in my neck and jaw. –

20.28******************************************************************
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Jude,
Bob and I have decided that it is best for you to move out we are giving you 30 days to move out. Please be out by August 14, 2016
Thank you
Bob Bender
Gordon Bowen
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The mattress has been punctured so that it won’t inflate so I’m on plywood now. Clean linens… on plywood. They were out in the yard with the dogs at 20.15 when I got back from a day at Jacquie’s. Bob on the phone. Gordon on the back porch. Bob wouldn’t let Sascha near me. Dixie was jumping all over me. They didn’t speak to me. Bob was telling somebody that he’d “finished mowing the lawn” and “cleaning the brush”. I came to the room and found the note tacked to the door. Well, it’s not as if I haven’t been expecting this. But to deflate the bed? Really? Typical. – I sent word to Jacquie already. – 22.51 The mattress is completely flat now so I’m on the plywood tonight. Sent several messages to Jacquie and one asking to move my things to the little bed-room. Have checked with legal on-line. As I thought: should be a 60 or 90-day notice to vacate. I could, very well, ignore the whole issue. Or, because of the bed, I could call the police… I’ll ponder tomorrow… when I call legal aid. – Meanwhile, received word from Vincent: No meeting this week-end! His other “meetings” “fell through”. Doesn’t that just figure? So I told him that this place is in flux and that I was told it would be “best” for me to move. (True… that’s the way the note reads). I rather said that it was because of Lyle’s death and the current owner. (I wonder if both of them can now afford to go to court here?) – Well… done my home-work. Looks like tomorrow I’ll bring things to Jacquie anyway. But leave enough here to maintain residence, just in case. If need be, I’ll notify the police as well. Just what this address needs: Another Summer of the police being here. Franklin is about to have a fit! (Still, I’m curious as to why. I’ve a feeling it’s because I didn’t help with the “brush”. Ah… we shall see… especially since all my work round here is photo-documented as well as “word of mouth” round the town.) Or… there’s the BDM… now to find a nice place to go to… Time to make a decision. – One thing’s certain: puncturing the mattress wasn’t the brightest idea… I’ll be going for that when I speak with a lawyer tomorrow. I can’t afford a bad back now… no matter what. – I’m going to post this now, tonight, because I’m almost certain that the password for internet will be changed tomorrow. B&L pulled that with Randy… we’ll see. – OH! I just recalled the letter from last Summer! Proves my residence of then, so if anything is said about “rent”, well… none was being paid then either. So let’s see… this should be interesting. At worst, I should get 60 or 90 days… and legal protection. I’d like that much… at least. Or… a court date with them. That too should be rather delightful. We shall see… indeed.

Fri.15.Jul: 6.24 Rudely awakened by the barking of the Lab at about 5.30. I immediately checked the e-mail for word from Jacquie. She OK’ed the use of the back bed-room over there for “storage” of my belongings. But of course, nothing really sympathetic. I was quite ill last night, trying to get to sleep. MUCH congestion and a couple of “choking episodes”. I can’t help but wonder: Paranoia? Or fact? I sense that there’s more to this than meets the eye… perhaps she and B. are in cahoots? That everything I say to her gets back to the house, some-how. I doubt it was the comment posted to my author account yesterday about one person attending 3 houses. But maybe it was. I blocked the 2 of them but I know that they can have other accounts, just as I have, and get access to the fesses-book account. Still, I find the deflation of the bed a bit over-board. And all the while I wonder if there isn’t a camaraderie in this town that I’m unaware of. None-the-less… So Gs car is gone and it appears that they both left in one vehicle this morning. No doubt there’s more of this to come. A simple note tacked to the door will not be the “end” of it. When I get over to Ms. Hallie this morning, I’ve got a lawyer-referral, legal aid number to phone. Indeed, according to the law, I can ignore the written note and force the matter into the courts. Indeed, I learnt much from the experience with the freak: move along as if it never happened and bring the case in front of a judge. I’ve 3 years of documented contributions to this property, and a town of people who know how much I’ve put into it. As has been said: Don’t think for a moment that the town doesn’t know who does all the work. But in this town? Their allegiances are skewed. I wonder what the reaction will be if/when I mention the eviction. No doubt it won’t be favourable… to me. But… no matter what, my contributions to town and property are documented… with dates, quite well. Now to figure how to get most of my things to Jacquie’s with-out it appearing that I’m voluntarily abandoning. No sense making it any easier on “them”. – Sleeping on the plywood last night wasn’t all too bad. It might even be better for my back. – I’m rather disappointed that Vincent won’t be up North on the week-end. I was looking very much forward to that. Still, I recall how he said that if I “find anything else” to let him know. AND… I keep in mind that I received 3 or 4 replies to the posting for “Gentleman Grounds-keeper” on Crgslst. I could re-post. I’d prefer not to, but if that is what it takes to save “me”, I suppose… perhaps during the day. Jacquie’s already given permission to use her computer as well. – I expect that my access to the internet at 5225 will be cut today or very shortly. I saw what was done to the freak. But, what I might suppose “they” don’t know is: their attorney told them that the freak would use that experience as a stepping-stone, an education, ammunition to be used on its next foray… I too, learnt from it. I don’t like being where I’m not welcome. I don’t look forward to the potential inconveniences. But I now know my “rights”. And the very notion of storing in that little room at Jacquie’s where the musty ordour is so strong… well… I don’t look forward to that. AND, having to eventually put the car back over there… Well, I suppose it was bound to come to this. What a shame that I couldn’t just have left before it came to this. My entire existence has been a matter of “Time” and timing has never been to my convenience. Still, there are options. I must focus on them… relocation or BDM. I’ll work both simultaneously. As I thought last night, as I tried to drift off into much-needed rest: If I should die in my sleep or here in town, the inconvenience won’t be mine… the proper (legal) disposal of my carcass won’t be my concern. – I can’t help but ponder the improvements. I can’t help but recall: I KNEW that when the ride-on mower came it would be the end of my residency here. I was correct… I wonder, often, what it is that helps me “see” and “know” such things. I’m fore-warned. It’s just that, no matter how well I prepare for bull-shit, it always seems to hit just “moments” before I’m able to effect transition in peace. – To think: I left here for 9 days, quietly, after being bitten twice by Penny’s dog and said nothing. Made it easier for them. To think: even yesterday, I’d made a trap for the yellow jackets in the shed, which I “decorated”. To think: the place looks attended and maintained. Now I wonder: will the front of the house be used against me? After all the talk of turning it into a rock garden and the comment about removing all the grass. Now that it’s done, I do wonder: will my work be thrown against me as some sort of desecration, destruction? Well, at least all they need do is remove the chips and plastic. Ah… and to think that one of my final thoughts last night, as I left Jacquie’s to come back to 5225 was to transplant some flowers out front. Ah… and to think that I’d thought of bringing radishes over to 5225. Ah… to think. And now, this morning, up from my ‘moke, with M’Dixie in the room with me, I’m on this ply-wood on a deflated mattress. (I’ve taken photos of it, of course… will post either here or some-where where they can be accessed readily.) – Well, I’ll let this be known. Indeed, I will. Isn’t it amazing: with the internet, so much can be made so available to so many over such a distance… with relatively little effort. – 6.50 and time to get busy on these matters. Legal Aid opens at 8.30. I’ll be on it first thing. The most difficult bit: getting things out of here and next door. But all in time… time. So long as I have access to 5199, it can be done… I just have to be certain to maintain my legal rights. Now… I’ll post this to the on-line journal whilst I may. – 21.45 In bed AT JACQUIE’S tonight. SHOWERED and with the fan in the window in the “little room”. I dropped by 5225 at about 16.14, to get a change of clothes. No dogs. Nobody about. Probably in their room. I’ve had NO connection with anybody there. Although, it must have been round 20.00 when I saw them walk by here. I was sending “report” to Jacquie at the time. Well… I don’t much give a shit. I’m able, legally, to spend time away. I’ve got until 14 August to vacate and even then, I don’t have to leave since, as the lawyer pointed out, tacking a note to the door can’t be proven. So? So. Besides, I’ve learnt quite a bit from the incident with the freak. If the bed over there was still in good order (the lawyer said: if they want to destroy their own property, let them. If you want, get a patch kit, fix it, re-inflate it and be comfortable.) I’d be there. But truthfully, Hallie’s happier that I’m here so it’s OK. And with the fan blowing and having had the window and door open all day, it’s not too bad in here tonight. So, I’ll sleep well. I’ve got my alarm, my coffee for the morning, and I washed a pair of Cecil’s shorts to sleep in. They’re large, but they’re comfy enough. – I moved the canoe to the end of the drive today and painted a sign, put the whirly flower by it for attention. Then mowed where I’ll park the Subaru and round and under the canoe after talking with Kailah about doing so. She says she’ll be mowing the rest on the week-end. – But for MOST of the day, I’ve had horrible muscle spasms, in the legs and arms and all I could do was doze off all the time. Heat? Humidity? What? I’m exhausted all the time. I’m in pain all the time. Right now I’m OK, in the cool breeze from the fan, but this is beginning to worry me quite a bit. What is going on with my body? Depression? Perhaps. But it seems like something more… worse. Time will tell. – For now, I’m looking forward to getting a civil and decent sleep. Surely, Hallie will be happy with me here over-night. If anything untoward happens over the week-end, I’ll simply call the police. – Here, in the room, I have the 3 “mail bags, my art and the Ikea bag. In the closet at 5225, the suitcase and some boxes and some clothes that need to be packed. There’s the stuff on and under the desk and the under-things in the stacked boxes and that’s about all of “me” there. Little by little I can get more over here. If “they” leave on the week-end, I’ll get more to bring over. If not, I’ve got Monday. (I wonder how Monday night will go, since I’ll be getting Jacquie at mid-night. Maybe I’ll be able to sleep-over here. Or, in the Subaru? We’ll see. I feel more at ease here, tonight anyway, and the fan is in the window, right across from the bed so it’s comfy… even “chilly”.) – The only thing that would make this really great would be internet. But for now, I need to get some sleep more than I need to be on-line. – It’s been a horrid 2 days, globally. Yesterday, some 31 year old guy drove a 19 tonne truck into a crowd of people in Nice, celebrating Bastille Day. Killed 84, injured over 120. Tonight, there’s a coup in Turkey. The world is gone insane. And here? I’ve got 2 lunatics pushing me out into potential homelessness. – But I’m showered, beard and moustache trimmed, teeth brushed, clean clothes. – Oh… funny note to close: This morning, the lawyer implied that Ms.G is “jealous” of me and doesn’t like having me around. Well… it brought to mind the…
DREAM SNIPPET that I recall having yesterday morning in which Ms.G told me “He loves you.” meaning Ms.B. I said “Don’t be stupid. I’m not even his type.” to which the reply was “No. He loves you.” Oddly, that evening, I’m being evicted because “Bob and I think it best that you move out”. What-ever it’s always been is still with me. I’m not “saintly” but there’s something… “something”. Maybe that’s why animals like me… and people don’t. WHAT… ever. – 22.03 time for seepie-nigh-night. I hope Dixie’s OK.

Sat.16.Jul: 8.34 At Jacquie’s kitchen table. – Stomach, “sour” again this morning. Stiff neck. Spent the night here and slept quite well. The 6.00 alarm sounded and I thought: I can just stay here, in bed, for as long as I choose today. But at about 6.30, I was “greeted” by Ms.Hallie, so I woke, let her out, peed in the loo and made my tap-coffee, had a ‘moke. Hallie’s happy to have the company. – Checked the météo. It’s heavily over-cast this morning, but no rain in the forecast. – Checked e-mails. Permission to bring the Subaru back over here! Now it’s just a matter of “when and how”. I don’t dare to remove too much of “me” from the premises at 5225, lest it be seen as “abandonment”. Still, little by little I’ll move out and remain as long as is necessary. (Let’s see if Jacquie doesn’t suggest that I come here. I can help round the place, but I won’t be paid for it any longer… no smokes. Oh well… we shall see.) – A calm morning here though. And I reviewed my Twtr. – Thoughts this morning include:
• Surely, I’m a “remnant” of what Ms.B doesn’t want to be a part of: Lyle, marriage, the house as it was.
• Surely, Ms.G, who’s taken NO time to actually talk WITH me, resents my presence in the house, being too much “like” Lyle and the way it “was” there. Not to mention: I “do” so much and have done so much there.
• B: Selfish little brat-child at age 45, immature, irresponsible, narcissistic, “entitled”. Got a house and property via marriage to an old man who “needed” companionship. Claims to have had a miserable marriage to the ex-wife, hated by his children, and most likely for good reason. Disrespectful to others. Appreciative of nothing. Aligned with the likes of the freak. And for years had the comfort of being “bailed-out” by sister-in-law (who is also mentally deficient, having doled-out the comforts and paid the bills). To divorce from the wife and jump into another marriage hundreds of miles away, only to have the spouse die and with-in 2 weeks time, replace.
• There’s an effort to cleanse the house of everything “before”, and I am a part of that “before”. So, like furnishings and the likes, stuff in the barn and round the house, I too am being disposed of.
Saw a video on the history of Israel this morning. How it went from arid and desolate to productive and flourishing, all because of the determination and tenacity of Jews. I thought of my own history of coming into peoples’ lives, bringing the same situation to them as well. Bringing order, cleanliness, comfort into houses, landscaping at Chrisula’s (Harry resented me there too), Josephine Barbalinaldo’s pool, yard, even attending the septic tank, clearing the back yard, Community Garden in Bedford Park/Norwood, the Bronx River work, in Montréal, javelling the kitchen back to white, Winter maintenance in Richford, and most recently, the yard work and such in Fuklin. Moe and Ev’s at Waubeka: splitting wood, shovelling snow. And the common statement: I don’t know where you came from, how or why you got here but you came at a time when you were exactly what I needed in my life. Margot, needed somebody to help her, to watch to make sure she was OK. I was there. I seem to “drop” (as has been said) into lives in time of “need”… BUT… when the “need” is attended, either in fact or by perception, dismissed, disposed of. EXACTLY as Mum said: When you’re done, move on because no matter where you go, there will always be something else that needs to be done. Moving on and on. – Well, it’s time to move on again. “Don’t do it for the ‘thanks’. There are no ‘thanks’.” And here too, I suspect that the talk about me will be extremely negative. Even to the work on the front of 5225: I expect that that work will be spoken of as “damage” or “destruction” of the property. Lyle wanted the lawn dug up and the area turned to rock garden. Ms.B said “Tear it all up. Turn it all into a garden.” Well… surely THAT won’t be the story moving forward. As I’m rather sure that the garden work I didn’t do this year here, at 5199 will be seen as “poor attitude” or some such thing. Ev once said that I “endear” myself “to others”. No, I see it more as filling a need at the time. I don’t ask much in return; a small space where I can be, at least, comfortable for the time-being, a kind word, a pack of smokes and my coffee. WOW! How impossible can I be? Or so it seems. Oh well. Even the “Bible” and the “Torah” are FULL of stories of those who lived this life… thousands of years before I or my ancestors existed. I won’t have a chapter nor mention in a “Bible”, but I can still say, to this morning: Where-ever I’ve ever been, I’ve left it either the same as it was or better. Life was better whilst I was there. What happens after is none of my business. Clear a wood-land or meadow, pave it and build on it… then turn away and move on… it will return to the way it was before it was cleared. That’s how Nature works. It’s no different with me or the work I’ve ever done. And that’s how it was, is and forever will be. – 9.04 I’m getting tired again. Could go back to sleep. Tight in the chest, and generally fatigued. It’s cloudy, chilly, a little damp. But the day has commenced. Where it will end is to be seen… when it’s done. But for now, another coffee… and we shall see when it’s all done. – Jacquie will be back on Tuesday… surely there will be somethings that need to be done. And oh, either this evening or tomorrow, I have to get to the market… for coffee and such… whilst I have access to the truck. – This was the week-end I was supposed to go to NY. Screeching halt there. As I’ve always said: As long as you say “I”, things will run smoothly, but once you say “we”, everything is fucked. – Saturday morning. Another day. I’m cursed.
(On Sunday morning, 7.37) It was, for the most part, yet another day of dozing on and off here and there again and again. Watching the news and dozing. It was CHILLY in the morning but by about 14.00, the sun made it warmer. I got a “Cecil shirt”, short sleeved, and headed out the door. 5225 was empty all day. At one point, I bolted over there to get my vit.C and the box of cleaning supplies. It was HORRIFIC! in there. I went in via the front door. Poor Dixie was all so usually happy to see me but I didn’t want to spend too much time in there. When I got to the top of the stairs, “their” room door was open. Highly unusual of late. No air conditioning on, though, it was cool enough during the day where it wasn’t necessary. I bolted into the room, grabbed the vit.C and the box BUT THEN IT GOT HORRIFIC! DIXIE WAS JUMPING AT THE BACK DOOR, ALMOST WHINING! SHE HAD TO GO OUT! BUT I JUST COULDN’T. I DIDN’T WANT TO RISK ANY CONFRONTATION. I’M SUCH A MORON! SO I BOLTED BACK OUT THE FRONT DOOR AND RETURNED TO JACQUIE’S, RIDDLED WITH SUCH HORRIBLE GUILT! YES, THIS IS TURNING TO A HATEFUL SITUATION ALL ROUND HERE. – Back at 5199, I had my vit.C, hoping for a bit more energy, and then… headed out to the greenhouse where I potted the seedlings of zinnia and basil into pots, 3 per, each and put them on the “sale” table. Even if somebody buys them at a dollar… it’s more and better than them simply dying in the little 6-packs. SWEAT! It was HOT in the greenhouse and with the sun shining, hot in the yard as well! But something… SOMETHING other than sleeping, got done today. – It was time for Hallie’s supper, and mine. So I got hers, threw the last 3 chicken patties into the micro-wave, no bread. My stomach is off, my appetite is really gone. Depression. No doubt. It’s probably what’s draining my body. I looked-up the symptoms. “CFS” and “spinal meningitis” along with “Alzheimers” and 96 other possibilities. I’ll just chalk it all up to “depression”. – Oh, and my office, Sheldon Creek, is listed as available again. Contact: Cindy Shedrick. Right then. That’s out of the question. I’m more than qualified, but she’ll make the whole experience total bull-shit. It would be nice to get back to work, even for a month. But… – OK, so all of that done. (all of that?), at about 16.30, I took Hallie up to Pam’s and we watered the flowers. A little “get away” time for both of us and get her out of the house as well. – At about 19.45 I decided to take a drive… I wanted to see if Mayhew’s truly IS gone in Richford, and since I didn’t take the truck to NY as hoped and planned… En route, we passed Pam & Dave’s and they were back! So I turned round to stop to say “Welcome Home”. Pam gave me hugs and was all “Pam”… “I have something for you, from Maine!” A box of salt water taffy! And she hands me an envelope with my name written on it and “Thank you”. She tells me “You HAVE to accept this and don’t insult me.” I had no idea what was in the envelope but at times like this I keep thinking of Liz’s words so many years ago: “You know how good you feel when you do something for somebody else and you see how glad it makes them? Well, you’re being very unfair when you won’t allow others to feel the same way when we do something that makes you feel good. And that’s very selfish. Sometimes, all you have to do is say ‘thank you’ and let it go at that.” So, I did. I said “Thank you”, gave her another hug. She’s concerned because she hasn’t seen “KitKat” and apparently the cat’s been away, or not eating for several days. I’d only seen the cat once all week. I hope all ‘s well with the little bit. – Hugs and such and Hallie and I were on the road to Richford in the cooling evening air. I have to say that I’m so fatigued and generally “out of it all” that I didn’t even have any emotions attached to the ride, nor to Richford when we arrived. But the sign for the store is up and there were people parked in front. So I’m figuring that I must have just seen the sign at a wrong angle or something. All is as all was in Richford. We made the right at the light, over the bridge and out of town. I took the right onto the Berkshire Center Rd. and we came back to the house that way. Took the Middle Rd. too. Hallie was all up and staring out the window as I drove and talked with her. – Back at the house before dark, we came round the corner off the Square Rd. so as not to drive past 5225 and there “they” were, sitting on the front porch. I wonder if they saw us pull in. (I wonder if Ms.B realises that Jacquie’s not here. Not that it makes any difference. The idiot hasn’t the where-with-all to check, enquire, nor to think about it, I’m certain.) But we did, and came back into the house where Hallie had some snack, I had some taffy and opened the envelope from Pam…. 100$?!?!?!?! I’m blown to bits! I know they both work and both get paid, handsomely, I’d assume, but THAT, in my opinion, is classic OVER-KILL! Still, she said I HAVE to accept, lest I insult her. (OK. So she most likely paid about that, and more, for her flowers, but still!) I’ve something to “do” on Monday: put it into the banque! The exchange to CAD will be delightful at this point, I’m rather sure. The exchange back will be murder, but better to have it in the banque. No telling but: at this juncture, the way I see the future… Jacquie might allow me to stay at 5199, which means I’ll work my “room” and there’ll be no more monetary income. No mo’ ‘mokes? Best to get the cash out of here… Monday. Meanwhile, I have to get to a “Thank You” for Pam and Dave… My art supplies are at 5225 and doing “art” work over there? Not likely. But this week coming, I’ll have another Thursday, Friday and Saturday night at 5199 available (unless some kind of shit hits a fan… one can always count on that here). I might be able to get something done in that time. – Well then… Hallie and I sat on the front porch for a while, I had a beer, she had time to roam. – At about 23.00, I was done with the news, we went out for last ‘moke and business and I came in to wrap the day up. No shower. Just didn’t really want to bother and didn’t really “need” tonight. But Hallie followed me into the “little room” and I didn’t realise it but… in the dark I heard a noise beside the bed, got up, turned on the light and there she was, on the floor beside the bed! instead of going to Jacquie’s room, she was there beside me. Honestly… animals bond with me… people… I’d rather bond with animals. When I think of my existence, we have more in common anyway (me, with my Homelessness from childhood… and even to this moment). – Another day… done and gone.

Sun.17.Jul: 7.27 Up. Coffee. Hallie breakfast. ‘moke. She slept on the floor, in the “little room” beside me… all through the night last night. And now, she’s on the kitchen floor, beside me. I’m not “alone”. But I’m SO SO SO FATIGUED! 8 hours of sleep and FATIGUE! And headache. But that’s probably because of the fan blowing on me all night. I keep the fan on to keep the air circulating in the room, to get the “stale” odour out. It’s cool in there through the night. That part is delightful. And being in the sleeping bag keeps the rest of me warm enough. And my first thoughts of the day are of moving, leaving, and what if NY falls through? Well… BDM time. At the rate my body is crumbling, I may as well plan for that rather than anything else. It’s time. – I never did finish yesterday’s entry so I’ll do that now, as I sit here. I’ve plans for today: Paint the ceiling in the front room, get to weeding the garden, and round the house. “Things” to keep me busy… and distracted… I hope. For now… let’s get back up to yesterday and then deal with today… as it comes. I’ve got tonight, another night of sleeping on a “bed”. Tomorrow? A “nap” here and then… Jacquie at mid-night. Then? Tuesday and Wednesday “on the board”. Oh, deal with it as and when it comes. There’s precious little choice, save… the Subaru. I can pull the back seat down and sleep with my legs in the trunk. That shouldn’t be too bad, I shouldn’t think. – (On Monday, 18, July: 10.07) SO how did THIS day go? Let’s see… HEY! The “strips” for the ceiling in the front room are painted! WHITE! 3 coats of primer and they’re clean! WHAT a pain in the neck, literally! The “looking up” to move the tiles out of the way, just twisting them off the tracks. Then the painting. Even with the little stool, the angle of my neck was “wrong”. And it too MUCH longer than I’d expected. But it’s done. I said I’d do it, and so I have done. I keep thinking that there’s something more that I’d said I’d do, but I can’t think of what it is. There’s a list of things I “want” to get done tomorrow… a LIST! But I can’t think of what it was that I’d said I’d do and haven’t. Oh well… all in due course. – When the ceiling was done, I got Hallie into the truck and we went to MARKET… AND I decided that I’d have burgers for dinner tonight AND I GOT BEEF (2lbs) AND LAMB (1lb)! Also, 2 more jars of coffee, small “creamer” (in case I get to stay more often at Jacquie’s), ice cream and “V8”! For some reason, V8 often makes me feel better and “better” is what I need to feel now. I’m tired, almost lethargic if I allow myself the opportunity to be so, and generally not well. Hey. Maybe I need the veggies? I had half the bottle as the burgers were cooking (over-done, I’m sorry to say but FILLING and although I now believe the ratio should be 1:1 beef:lamb, they were good). And yes, almost immediately I noticed the difference. So? So. AND there are 2 ore burgers left! Tomorrow’s dinner, done: V8 veggies and beef/lamb burgers… or, as I thought this evening: BLAMBURGERS! – So, the “accomplishment” of the day was the ceiling in the front room, dinner and getting the stove-top cleaned. Tomorrow I’ll have to put the ceiling tiles back in place But for now… I’ll settle for what’s been done. Tomorrow’s going to be a “crash” day: crashing everything necessary to “settle” Jacquie’s and make it appear that I didn’t “STAY” here whilst she was gone (take NOTHING for granted).
Recurring thought all day today:
I can’t help but wonder what sparked the “eviction” and I can’t help but be suspicious of everybody in this town. The only person I’ve actually ever spoken with/to about shit at 5225 is Jacquie… I don’t truly, in my gut, feel that she can be “trusted”. I’ve actually no doubt that things I’ve said to her have managed to get round town and back into 5225. I wonder if when, the other evening, I went into my tirade in her kitchen about “Helping Gordon”, did it carry across the yards? Well, if so, tough shit. Still, I’ve NO NO NO trust in ANYbody in this town… NOR this STATE for that matter. Feeble-minded pea-brains. I mean, shit! I busted my back (almost literally) for the PO here only to be told I “make everybody else look bad”. I CAME into this town working, only to be told I “make everybody else look bad”. I probably DID bust my back on the fucking property at 5225 (that day of paralysis) and again, no doubt, I made “B look bad”. And I’m ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE that Pennyfickinguselessshit is fully aware of what’s transpired up here and in her own disrespect, approves not only of the house being “cleansed” but of G an the utter disrespect for Lyle. So? Indeed, it’s time to get the fuck out of this shit-hole. I’ve no idea where or when I’ll go. I just hope that where-ever it is, it will be comfortable and the effect will be swift… whether it be re-settling in NY or a place in the Adirondacks where I can lay back on a nice day, the scent of fern and pine on a comforting breeze, and the pills and BDM simply crash and “out and away” I can go… promptly.
OK. That thought done… Hallie and I went to market. When we got back, I made my burgers and franks for her (in addition to her dinner.. which I know I shouldn’t do because of her “diet”, but she’ been “attached” to me of late and looking rather “down” so, a little “treat” is in order). She ate (again) and I ate. Then I had some ice cream as I watched the news. More police shot! Baton Rouge! Seriously, this country is rushing toward devastation and the majority of people don’t seem to give a shit. As “Sheriff Clarke” put it: Cops are murdered and nobody protests nor demonstrates against that. People mowed-down in France. Police murdered in the U.S. A president that appears to approve of the violence and murder. No…this is NOT the place I’m supposed to be. This, me, my generation is the last bastion of civility. No “good” can come until the real chaos takes hold and I don’t want to be a part of that “era”. – Anyway, dinner done, dishes done, tidy, shower and oddly enough, it wasn’t even 22.00 when I went to bed… no beer… no pills… just tired. – There are tough days to come… but at the rate my body’s running down and in pain, at the rate my brain is rejecting so much… the days are numbered… and not many.

Mon.18.Jul: 9.38 Washing. Cleaning. Oragnaising. Alerady this morning. And again, I have to go back to yesterday to complete that as well. But for now… my stomach has a rock in it, and a hole. My neck is stiff. My eyes feel as if I haven’t slept in months…. again. I woke at 3.45 this morning, for no apparent reason other than it was my “6 hours” sleep cycle. And I tried to go back to sleep but the ANXIETIES came RUSHING!!! The FACT of the situation is that I don’t MUST go any-where at any time at this juncture. The “notice”, as was told to me by the lawyer AND from watching the freak, was tacked to the door which would have to be proved in court. I CANNOT BE THROWN from 5225 unless under order of “Eviction”.. FROM A COURT! I COULD, if I had the intestinal fortitude, make this situation a total Hell and misery for both of the faggots. And, meanwhile, I have every legal right to come and go in that house until that moment. But… that doesn’t mean that I will, nor that I’m personally,physically able to do so. Ah… Looking at the news today, and listening to people talk about how their parents supported them in their youth, leading up to running in politics, being in front of cameras, un-afraid to voice opinions and the likes and remembering being told I was a “burden”, that my existence was worthless, etc. I KNOW that I CAN, SHOULD AND MUST get rid of all that bull-shit, that I’ve MORE than worked my value in all the years I’ve been on this earth. But it just won’t go away! I NEED to work on it, and this, here, in this little worthless town of Hate, is the perfect opportunity. But then comes the “age” and my general lack of stamina. And the words of Michele Brown: “You’re really stuck on that!”, on the “age” issue. And her telling me that it means nothing. And I see Jacquie, about 9 years my elder, off to Italy, road-trips, Washington, work. I COULD be like that. But then, I’ve spent my entire life-time abusing this old body… I’m not “them”. I’m run down. Still… I MUST make the best possible of what I have available. And so? I clean this house and make lists of things that I want to accomplish with this, the last day I’ll have available to sleep on a mattress for a while. I don’t know about tonight, but Tuesday and Wednesday will be on the plywood. I can come back Thursday-Saturday nights. So I have to make the best of that much. After that… Another matter that takes a toll is the relative un-certainty of the place in NY. Yes, Vincent asked me to let him know if I found another opportunity. Yes, thus far, all appears to be moving toward the move. I regret having mentioned the instability of the situation here. But it was done. And it doesn’t seem to have had any negative effect on the situation. And I know that the “eviction” comes from two feeble-minded little faggots who are “entitled” and irresponsible. Seriously: B. and a failed marriage and an ex-wife who hates him… children who want nothing to do with him. Abusing Lyle, as is blatantly obvious, through 6 years of legal marriage. And that bit-of-shit G. who meets and moves in, with NO consideration of nor respect for Lyle! And THEN puts on the notice “Bob and I”… as if IT has ANY ethical, logical, rational, legal rights to anything at that address. The SAD bit? MY WORK will have NO bearing on anything. I KNOW, for a fact, from 3 years of experience in this town, that people here have NO respect for work done when matters draw to a line. I KNOW, for a fact, that the “legal system” in this state is a farce and joke. Nothing I’ve done will amount to nor account for anything. And that bothers me terribly. I KNOW that I should simply shed the entire business and go on. But it doesn’t make me feel any better, more comfortable, physically. Ah… I’m a mess and have become a “burden” to myself. – I simply look forward to being able to find a place of comfort, quickly, a way to get to it, out of the range of hearing… me hearing “them” and “them” hearing me… and hoping that my little personal “arsenal” will simply take hold quickly, and I can just cease to be rapidly. Nice thoughts lodged in my head. – OK. The ceiling tiles are back in place in the front room. The strips are painted and look clean. Blankets from the living-room are being washed and dried. The place smells of “dog”. It’s annoying, at best. Poor Hallie’s been sweating in this heat and it can’t be helped. It appears that the skies are clouding over. That would be nice. I truly don’t want to go out there to do any gardening or yard work today, but if the weather stays clear, there’s really no excuse not to. Still, there’s Hovering and floor-washing to get done round here. I SHOULD get over to 5225, bring the boxes, fetch a sweater or something. I’ll have 2 days to pack this week whilst Jacquie’s at home. And that should be a plus for me: having somebody in town to vouch for me. I’d like to put Pam’s money into the banque… if it rains today, perhaps I can do that today. If not, perhaps Jacquie will want to take a “trip” up. I don’t know. We shall see. – The washing is about done. I’ve got to get to yesterday. I’m typing this on my lap-top and then onto Dan’s thumb-drive and posting via Jacquie’s lap-top. Techno-me. (Ah… I wonder if “they’ve” changed the access pass-word to internet at 5225 yet. I wouldn’t be the least surprised if they have done. Spiteful fags. And so many wonder why they can’t get respect and “equality”. Fags and niggers… no difference.) – Anyway… on we go! *KADIMA!* – 10.33 The skies are going DARK! YAY! I won’t have to ponder “yard work”! Yesterday’s notes are in. And I want to work on the little “thumb-drive”… a document of links to EVERYTHING on-line… ALL of my “social media” accounts. I’ll keep the little thumb-drive with me always, and if/when my rotted carcass is discovered, there’ll be a quick and easy central repository of “data”. The “truth” of my existence will be at their finger-tips. NOT, mind you, that anybody will give half-a-shit. But it’ll be there. – 15.48 Am sitting on Jacquie’s front porch with the lap-top. Am keeping a “copy” of the journal now, both on lap-top and the thumb-drive. – We had the rains this after-noon, dark and brief though the were. Just enough to make it so that gardening and such were out of the question. BUT… I got Jacquie’s house Hoovered well and the loo and kitchen floors washed. Now, I’ll have to make something to eat, even though I’m not in the least bit hungry. There’s 2 days coming of no eating, I’m sure. Have to stock-up and load-up on the calories. Just now, having a coffee with half’n’half and wondering if I’ll be out here when Bobo drives by… IF so at all. In a bit, I’ll have to pass that place to get a pack of smokes… I dread the very thought. – *Honestly, the WORST part of being in that place now is seeing Dixie. Knowing what’s to come literally shreds my heart and soul. I wonder if her “appointment” on the 1st August is for “health care” or to be “put down”. The latter wouldn’t surprise me in the least… from either of “them”. I thought of it yesterday, as Hallie and I were out to the market. In one respect, it all but kills me to think of her being murdered like that, all because of a total apathy toward anything living. But, on the other hand, how peaceful for her it would be… no further chance for neglect or abuse from that other dog (and her bitch). It all just weighs too heavily. I’d like the chance to see Dixie, to let her now that I loved her, love her now and will always love her… Je t’aimé, je ‘taime et j’taimerais… toujours, in the words of the song. But it’s painful to me even to ponder it. It has to be done. I’m just, for some reason, thinking I’ll have more courage, stamina, if Jacquie’s here when I go bak over there. – I’ve just transferred the photos of the bed from the phone to the lap-top. I’ll up-load to a journal (this one and perhaps nyc8539266 and jkwodhauler as well), just to have a record of it. I can’t help but recall how the freak’s bed was never repaired until it left. But then again, I’ve done no harm to any of them, and am so NOT deserving of maltreatment. Ah, but that’s how the world is, and if there’s evil to be confronted by, it will surely come that I will be confronted. Oh well. As Oma used to say: “Such is life.” – It’s gone cloudy again to the North and the breezes are cooling. We’re due for another “orage” at some point. – I’ve sent an e-mail of thanks to Pam and eluded to the “minor catastrophe” at 5225. One way or another, word will circulate. The village knows who’s done all the manual work round that property. Now they’ll know the “appreciation”. Although, knowing this place, I doubt it will make any difference at al and if it does many any, it won’t be favourable toward me anyway. Again… “Such is life.” – Also received a note from Jacquie. By now she should be at the airport in WA. This day has passed quickly. – I suppose I’ll force a “blamburger” down for nourishment this evening. Then there’s a bit of my wash to be done. I wish I had other shoes to wear tonight but I don’t want to be bothered going over “there” to get them. So I’ll just do what I must with what I have. I also have to pack “me” up. I’m rather hoping to spend the night here tonight, to sleep on a mattress. But I take nothing for granted. Especially when it comes to matters of my “comfort”. – Tomorrow, when Jacquie’s here, I’ll probably move the Subaru back so I’ll have a place to sleep… in case. – Funny (or not?) that I KNOW, for a fact, that they can’t lock me out, can’t shove me out, can’t force me out.. “legally”. But I also know that one of them is quite capable of making existence a total Hell… and I’ve NO doubt at all that the other little bitch is capable of some nasty shit. I mean… the audacity of writing “I” in a notice of legal implications on a property it has NO connection to/with… legally or other-wise. Still, I know the potential, and I’ll NOT become involved. – Well, 16.10 and time to get me up off this rocking chair. The clouds are approaching, the thunder is rolling and the air is cooling rapidly for the next storm. There’s threats of “grele”. Wouldn’t THAT be “typical” of my fate? To have hail-stones pound the Subaru on top of everything else? WTF? as they say? And Why the fuck not? Eh? – Now that the house here is fresh and clean, even to the shower curtain, let’s see how I can manage to un-do today’s work. I’d like to be able to snooze a bit before leaving at 22.30. Let’s see how that rolls.

Tue.19.Jul: 3.31 And in the “little room” at Jacquie’s. – I just realised that, on the 17th, Joe turned 51! Imagine? Sunday was his 51st birthday. John will be 59 in October, Cyndi will be 56. They’re all gone “old”. Oh well. – Anyway, Jacquie’s flights were delayed last night because of storms and instead of getting in at midnight, she didn’t get in until 1.00 (24.45). But Hallie and I made the trip and got to the airport about 15 minutes early. I “toured” the airport whilst waiting and found the little area where people can sit on porch rockers and watch the planes land. JUST as I found it, Jacquie’s plane touched-down. Timing! I met her as she came through the gate. There was some kind of “counter” there and as she came through I greeted her with “Bonjour Madame. Bienvenue a Vermont. J’peut vous aidez?” and she replied “Je pense que, oui.” It had been quite the day for her, having to be up early, waiting for the plane to leave Seattle, then the fear of being stranded until 10.00 today for the next flight to BTV. But.. she made it. – I’d been showered and ready to leave here at 21.00. My laundry done, towels and such washed and put up. The house was clean. Ah… but I got to watch the Republican Convention and was it amazing! Especially Rudy G.! LOUD! I mean, yelling! I’d never seen him so animated! People in this country are pissed off! Even Rudy said “I’m sick and tired…!” Well, the best we can do is hope that the suspected “rigging” of the entire system fails and Trump actually wins in November. Me? I doubt, very much, that I’ll be around for it, but it will be better all round if he does. – Anyway, when we all got back to the house, Jacquie and I sat, had a beer and crisps with dip and chatted a bit. I can tell she’s not too interested in what’s going on at 5225. But, when it came time for her to get to sleep, she told me “You can stay here tonight. At least you can sleep on a mattress. Don’t go over there now.” meaning, at this hour. And so, I have the fan on and the door open. I used it to go out to have my last ‘moke. – Where it goes from here is… – But the house is clean. Jacquie even thanked me for washing the kitchen floor. She noticed. – I’m not really tired at the moment. But I’m going to try for some sleep now. The truly “tough” days are coming. I’m just truly concerned about getting to see Vincent. I hope he’ll opt for Skype… soon. – Time to try for a nap. I didn’t get any sleep at all earlier. Laid on the recliner for about 2 hours before showering and such. Didn’t get sleep though. Still… I should try for a nap, at least…..
23.18 TODAY JOE, THE YOUNGEST, HAD HIS 51ST BIRTHDAY! “THE KIDS” ARE NOW ALL IN THEIR 50’s. i CAN’T HELP BUT WONDER HOW THEY’RE ALL HANDLING IT. I’LL NEVER KNOW.
Meanwhile, I’m in ‘the little room”. Jacquie just assumed that I’d stay here again tonight. I wonder if she enjoys having the company. I mean, Cecil pretty much just moved in with her. I wonder. But I still feel awkward about this. Yet, going back into 5225 is an atrocity, especially after my brief “visit” this afternoon. But let me get to the day. A day completely with-out internet and social media and the likes. – We woke at 10.00. I woke at about 7.00 and went to the loo, came back and laid down, half-dozing, wanting to get up and start the day but just didn’t have the necessary energy. It was at 10.00 when Hallie came in and woke me. Jacquie got up at the same time. I made tap coffee, she had her regular coffee and then decided to make scrambled eggs but needed milk. It was almost noonish by then. I went to the store to get milk and seeing 5225 empty, I dropped in to get my work gloves.
DIXIE WAS ON THE STAIRS AND ALTHOUGHI GREETED HER WITH THE USUAL KISSES, SHE WENT TO THE CHAIR IN THE PARLOUR! SHE’S NOT BOTHERING WITH ME! I WONDER WHY. OF ALL OF THIS, SHE’S THE MURDEROUS PAIN IN MY HEART AND SOUL. YES, INDEED, I DO LOVE HER SO VERY MUCH AND EVEN JACQUIE SAYS SHE WISHES SHE COULD AFFORD TO TAKE DIXIE IN. BUT THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS: WHEN I’M NO LONGER HERE, SHE, JACQUIE, IS WORRIED ABOUT HALLIE TOO.
Well, I went to the store and Pat commented “We haven’t seen you much lately.” “Trying to dodge the drama.” I said, calmly. “You know how it is next door, they just can’t have peace and must always have some kind of drama going on.” “I see that.” she said. “It’s another Summer with new problems and new drama.” I commented. “I saw that coming.” she replied, with a disgusted look on her face. Well, apparently the 5225’s are making shit in town. Good for them. The day will come for them. I rather tend to believe that when I’m gone, things will be VERY different in this town. They might not like me all that much, but it seems they DO have respect for all the hard work I’ve done just about every day. Well, so be it. I got the milk and came back to Jacquie’s where we had scrambled eggs and toast an then… she paid some bills and we headed out to the yard. – The back walk has gotten over-grown and Jacquie commented on that when we got in this morning. So I got right to getting rid of all the weeds along the walk and the back of the house. Jacquie went to the garden to weed. I grabbed the mower and “trimmed” along the walk and back of the house and then the side of the garage. Next was the front of the house… the weeds on the front walk and moved to side of the house, “clawing” the weeds from between the peonies and then mowing to trim it all neatly. Jacquie commented on my ambition. – Well, it was about 18.30 when I was done and Jacquie made dinner: salad from the garden, potato salad and we splint the last “balmburger”. – Je came by and stayed for some potato salad. Mark came by to “prime” the porch before he paints it. We talked about Franklin and the people. Says he “It might be true that everybody hates each-other but if somebody’s house were to burn down, you can be sure they’d all turn out to help.” (I wonder what they’d do if they knew about the situation at 5225, and what they’ll do when they learn the truth.)…
AS I WAS WORKING BY THE PORCH TODAY THOUGH, 5225 BROUGHT THE DOGS OUT INTO THE YARD AND WHEN HALLIE WENT TO THE PHONE COMPANY FENCE, I HEARD Ms.B YELLING AT DIXIE TO COME… AWAY FROM ME. JACQUIE HEARD THEM AND ASKED WHAT THEY WERE DOING AND I TOLD HER HOW IT APPEARS THEY’RE TURNING DIXIE AGAINST ME. SAID JACQUIE “JUST GO PACK YOUR THINGS AND MOVE OUT!” SHE DIDN’T SAY TO WHERE THOUGH.
The whole situation has gone ever so ugly here now.
Well, we had dinner, then watched the Republican Convention until just now. I was getting my little totes together to leave when Jacquie asked if she should turn the TV off… she brushed her teeth and went to bed. And here I am, in “the little room”. It’s smelling a little better after all the shots of Lysol spray and open door all day. – It’s rather chilly tonight and I’m thankful for being in here. I could be in the Subaru. I’ll be moving it over here tomorrow or Thursday, just so I have an alternative place to sleep at night. I dread trying to sleep in that plywood but the time is coming. – Tomorrow, Jacquie has a dentist appointment round about 10.30 or so, she’s planning to take Hallie to Ste-Anne’s for “schwimming”. Jacquie asked if I’d like to go with but I need to pack some things in that room, maybe move the Subaru and bring over the suitcase. I still have to figure how to move the afghan as well. I’ll have to try and see if the internet password has been changed over there to block me AND VERY IMPORTANTLY, I have to make certain to leave enough in the room to maintain my residence there. After all, that “notice” is completely illegal and non-binding. I might need that room for a while longer. I want to bring my BDMs too. – Well… 23.46, alarm set for 6.00 tomorrow and I should be up and awake. There’s weeding to be done int he garden. No idle time for me these days. And I can guarantee that there’ll be no more income, especially before the 1st of next month. More tough time are coming. – Right now, I need to try for some sleep. The fan is off for tonight. It’s just too chilly a night for the fan. And.. I’m exhausted.

Wed.20.Jul: 23.39 In bed in “the little room” after quite the busy day that began at 7.00 this morning with coffee and Jacquie trying to balance her chequing account. Me? I got to work on the lilies along the Highgate street, weeding and mulching through the day. I had to mow the grass along the street to find the edges of the bed and, believe it or not, the twit upstairs (Michael) came out and did the rest of the yard… “Inspired”? I wonder. Later this afternoon, Kailah told Jacquie the reason Michael didn’t do the “trim”, the areas missed with the ride-on is because he couldn’t find the “black and red” mower. Jacquie came into the house to ask me where it was (I heard her tell Kailah that I use the white one) and I told her that things had been moved about in the garage/barn when somebody used the tiller and that the mower is right there but obviously neither of them went looking. The matter was dropped. – As for the day: Sue Bocus drive by as I was working on the lilies. She didn’t stay long, just stopped to say hello. THAT was wonderful. – BUT THE MOST INTERESTING “VISITOR” WAS WHEN MsB DROVE BY AND PULLED INTO THE DRIVE! GOT OUT, CAME OVER TO ME AND ASKED IF I’M “MAD” BECAUSE OF THE NOTE. I SAID “YOU SHOULD KNOW ME BETTER BY NOW BUT I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU COULDN’T COME TO TELL ME AND WHY THE MATTRESS WAS PUNCTURED.” HE INSISTS THAT HE DIDN’T PUNCTURE THE MATTRESS AND THAT HE’D NOTICED IT ON THE WEEK-END WHEN HE KNOCKED ON THE DOOR OF THE ROOM AND POPPED HIS HEAD IN WHEN I DIDN’T ANSWER. HE’S BLAMING IT ON “DRYING OUT”. ME? I KNOW BETTER. AND THEN, WHEN I ASKED WHAT PROMPTED THE NOTE/EVICTION, HE SAID “I DON’T SEE THIS WORKING OUT.” AH… AND SO IT IS THAT Ms.G IS AT THE BOTTOM OF IT, FEELING UNCOMFORTABLE BECAUSE *I* DON’T SPEAK TO IT. I CLARIFIED THAT I SPEAK AND IT DOESN’T BUT I CHALK IT UP TO THE GENERATION THAT CAN’T PART FROM THE PHONES. I TOLD HIM I HAVE SOMETHING PENDING FOR THE 1ST SEPT AND ASKED IF THE 14TH WAS “SOLID”. IN VIEW OF THE 1ST HE SAID “NO” BUT THAT THE EVICTION STANDS. AS FOR NOT TALKING TO ME HE BLAMED THE EXPERIENCE WITH RANDY LAST SUMMER. NEITHER BALLS NOR BRAINS, THAT ONE. NO TRUTH AT ALL. BUT AT LEAST I DON’T FEEL SO HESITANT ABOUT GOING TO PACK. *** AND JACQUIE TOLD ME AGAIN TODAY TO SIMPLY GO OVER, PACK MY THINGS AND MOVE OUT… AND STAY IN THIS ROOM, IF FOR NO OTHER REASON TO SLEEP ON A COMFORTABLE BED. I’M GOING TO PACK ON THE WEEK-END AND MOVE SOME MORE OVER TO 5199… JUST TO BE SAFE. I DON’T TRUST EITHER OF THE FAGS AT ALL! – Well, half of the lily bed is weeded and mulched. Jacquie’s concerned about Hallie when I’m gone and has invited me to go on her next business trip to CT… with Hallie… mid-August. We shall see. She told me we could stop by Waubeka to see Ev. We shall see. – Right now, I’m tired… from working and the general bull-shit around here. I SHOULD have showered tonight but Jacquie goes to work tomorrow… I can do that then… and my laundry.

Thu.21.Jul: 11.11 WELL! Quite the morning. I woke, at 5199, to Hallie and I alone. Jacquie’d left notes on the table: she went to work for 8.00 this morning. To think: I woke at about 7.30 thinking tomorrow I could sleep-in (how I wanted to do that this morning) and here, today, I could have done. But the sun is shining this morning and there’s work to be done, tomorrow is expected hot, humid and stormy so I nee to get busy with the weather I have available today. – The kitchen sick is cleared and cleaned, the stove-top. I’ll wait to do the floor. Compost buckets are empty and washed. Hallie got breakfast. And the application for FS is completed (although this one is intrusive and odd… all sorts of little “requirements’ and such. Oh well… I’ll give it a try. I’ve nothing to lose. Come after me and I’ve got my BDM and meds. I’m ready for “Check-out” anyway). Meanwhile, JUST completed the form, have a lit of things to do round here and at 5225 this week-end. Jacquie will be back on Saturday evening this week-end. And… I’ve got laundry to get done too. ICK! – Not feeling all too well again this morning. Oddly, when I went out for morning ‘moke it struck me again: the being alone in this place. But it’s the instability of everything ere now and the “betrayal” and ingratitude of Bobo, the utter bull-shit of “Gordo”. Fucking little faggots. 3 years of work for… bull-shit. Oh well. – I’ll get to my “list’ and occupy myself with that. Packing at 5225 is on the list too… but if it’s to rain tomorrow… I have then to lock myself in that room and get to it. Where I’ll put my meagre belongings is a mystery. Jacquie has said, twice, “Pack and move your things out of there.” but never “to where”. Idon’t know. Wing it… again… I’m so more than ready to just walk away form it all… Must figure a way to a place in the mountains… by that lake or pond or something…. some place quiet. I deserve that much… and no more, no less. – Should get to seeing how to transfer this to on-line too… Oh… things… “things” to do. – (It’s Friday 4 minutes past mid-night: 0.04 and I’m just getting into bed in the “little room” again. No jammies… again!) Just finished watching Trump’s “acceptance speech for the Republican nomination for President and I must say that I’m excited to see this period in history and, at the same time, I can’t say that I’ll be around to see the results in November. I’m not thinking in terms of much beyond the end of August. I’ve too many doubts about the move back to NY to be “positive” about anything at all other than taking a car on the verge of collapse, up into the Adirondacks to check out of all of this. Yet… the day:
WOW! I got the kitchen cleaned right away and moved, almost immediately, to the yard, in spite of the heat. First to go: the box alder at the corner of the fence. Lopped the limbs off and then poured a bit of what I’m hoping actually is “Round-Up” on the stump. I’d like to know that that thing won’t come back ever again. From there, I came into the kitchen for the saw and a ladder and lopped the far maple of it’s dead limbs and moved to the ladder and the larger maple. There are NO dead limbs left on it now. CLEAN! AND, clean too, is the yard back there. I pulled more “artichokes” as well, raked all, put it into the hay-wagon and dumped all onto the compost. By the time I finished, it was almost 15.00! And I was soaked with sweat and feeling none-to-well after all the work in the heat and humidity. But it’s done! it was just too hot to sit in the garden and weed today, so I passed on that chore of the day and came into the house to cool a bit, and then, at about 16.00, went to the store for ice cream. Came back and had some of that for energy. – At about 18.00, Hallie had her dinner and I fried 3 franks with rolls and the left-over potato salad with mustard. “Sarge’s” franks… sort of. Nothing will EVER taste as good as the originals, the Dakota is gone, but the memories live on… for as long as they will in my mind. – Dinners done, it was time to toss the work-clothes into the wash! REALLY! FILTHY! T-shirt and jeans… FILTHY! And to get ME into the shower. And so… it was done. Hallie and I have been out and about several times this evening and I watched the RNCovention for several hours tonight. Civilised. How refreshing to keep current with news and events, unlike at 5225 where I’m positive they’re completely oblivious. Oh well. – Now, tomorrow, I’m hoping to get the Subaru back over to 5199 and on the week-end, which will probably be my safest bet, get to pack and perhaps either move or prep for moving as much as possible from that hole. I do NOT want to be in that house alone with that faggot Gordo. There will NOT be a repeat of last Summer… if I can help it at all. – Jacquie sent a message today saying that Kerry will be back on the week-end and come for a ladder. Fine. Just don’t ask me to “do” anything “for”. I’m tired. Truly, tired. And again, I’m packing and will be moving… SOLO! – On the side, I have to note that I believe “Tougher Times” are coming. I doubt I’ll be paid for the work done round the place nor for watching Hallie on the week-end since I’m actually rather in residence. No smokes. I still have the 100 from Pam but I’d like to hold onto that for as long as possible. I’ll have to see about closing the retirement from the post office now. Perhaps I should take that and the 100 and get the Subaru repaired. I’ll have to ponder… quickly! – Sent the application for FS in today. THAT will be interesting to see when done. – Meanwhile, as I say, thoughts now are more toward getting to the Adirondacks to “leave”. Tomorrow, if opportunity presents, I’ll be getting the BDMs… just to have them close enough. One way or another… August. – I miss having internet connection on this lap-top but… perhaps it’s for the best. – For now, Hallie is probably in Jacquie’s room. I’m in the “little room” with the fan on medium. It has a thermo, reading 76F. It’s refreshing but blows right ON me. Hopefully I’ll be able to simply SLEEP tonight! I may sleep-in tomorrow. The rains are due around 2.00. – Many photos I’d like to get off the phone and many more I’d like to put here, with the journal. Tomorrow. Right now, the power monitor on the lap-top is telling me “29 minutes 17% remaining”. – This room STILL has the “mildew” odour! I hope there’s not another sinus infection coming. It would be my luck. Oh well… Soon and very soon. – Time to try for some “sleep” now. Tomorrow will be another day of more chores.

Fri.22.Jul: 00.26 (23 more days until “EVICT”. Of course, that’s not really true because I can be there for as long as it takes Ms.Bobo to get a legal eviction… and I certainly don’t see that happening… although, now that there’s money in the house, I wouldn’t doubt it. But even that will take a while longer than the 14th August. So I shouldn’t even ponder the issue.) – 9.39 Well, the plans to “sleep-in” worked a little since I’m only just getting up to start the day. Hallie’s had breakfast and an out, I’ve had my coffee and smoke. Apparently we had a bit of rain over-night because there are little spots of water on the back walk. The sky is cloudy but when the sun breaks through it’s HOT again and humid. And me? I’m feeling like shit from head to toe. What concerns me a bit is that, when I cough, my legs, both of them, are painful. Indeed, there’s something quite wrong. I just hope it’s not bad enough to keep me from doing work about here and in NY! – Meanwhile, Hallie’s been smelling of “dog” something terrible and it gags me every now and again. Not her fault, of course. But I SO want a time when I don’t smell that (or the general stench that is VT). – This morning’s “pondering” has been “How to get money, cash, quickly.” I listened to Trump last night, Donald and his daughter and how they said that things CAN be done and how he moved up “from a million dollar loan to a billionaire” and I wonder. As Jacquie and I said: be was given “seed money”. So too, Nancy was given “seed money” from her father. Something to begin with. Me? I was given an ultimatum: Get out of the house or be killed. Well… I’ll just have to work on this and, as I think, get at least enough money together to get out of here.. QUICKLY! Let’s see how that works out. – I’ll have to get the house together today and have it together when Jacquie gets back tomorrow. I also need to figure how to get the connection to the internet on my lap-top. (I also need to get my finger nails filed down, toe nails too… AND PACKING to get the fuck out of 5225!) – I’m just sitting at the kitchen table and am already clammy. This is the shit. – I’ll work on the cover and adverts for “Journal Days”. Thinking “Working Homeless… Voices From Inside” or something like that. Maybe that’ll help? Have to try. If one doesn’t try, one can’t succeed or fail… one simply fails. – 13.03 it’s been a dragging sort of day, FULL of ANXIETIES! Especially when I think of having to go to 5225 to pack and get things that I need. I don’t feel comfortable about moving things into 5199. I don’t feel comfortable about being in 5225 alone or simply with Gordo. And those who MIGHT support me in any manner aren’t in town now so I don’t want to be in 5225 to be falsely accused of doing something detrimental to anybody. It’s a total mess. I should probably just give up and give in and go and do. But… – AND THIS MORNING I NOTICED A “SKIN TAG” ON THE LOWER LID OF MY LEFT EYE! WHAT THE FUCK WILL BE NEXT? OF ALL PLACES… ON THE EYE! Oh well… blindness or something of the sort to come. Time to simply get up and get out of this shit. These are the warnings to say “GO NOW!” – 15.15 I can’t believe how quickly this day has flown by! But I’ve gotten Woodhauler up to date and now here, I post this with photos of the deflated bed at 5225. I wonder if Bobo even tried to repair it. I doubt it. But I’ll find out tomorrow. – We haven’t gotten all that rain we were supposed to get today. But a message from Jacquie insisted that we (Hallie and I) take it easy today. I suppose we have done. But there’s sitll time to get to weeding in the garden… I still have to file my nails down though. We shall see. And it’s Friday… and there’s smokes to be gotten for the week-end. I’m at the end of the cash-flow here now. Only Pam’s 100 left and I’d like to hold onto that for a while. I wonder if there’ll be any from Jacquie this week. I doubt it, but… as always… we’ll not plan on it nor will we count on it. – Time to post this! -(POSTING FROM THE “LITTLE ROOM” AT 5199, AT 23.53 AS THE FUCKING SCREEN JUMPS ALL OVER THE DAMNED PLACE!!!!) 22.58 Sitting on the recliner, listening to the rain pouring out-side and Hallie licking loudly, waiting for the TV to return. Ah, 21st Century technology… dumbarses. It rains and the television signal can’t reach the set. Well… what the fuck? Anyway, the day was wasted… or not, depending on how it’s looked upon. What I DID accomplish was to get this journal on-line and some images. AND a 15-page “User’s Manual” of sorts to teach Jacquie how to use the now-protected “Order Spreadsheet” AND how to send an order via e-mail. It’s got images and such! Took me FOREVER since I had to use her lap-top for the e-mail screen-caps and mine to modify the images. But, I’ve only just finished it all. AND I never got the chance to shower! Nor did I manage to clean the floors. So? We’ll all have to deal with the situation. In any case, I’m certain that this place is still in better shape than it was when Cecil was here alone for days on end. I’m rather quite certain of that. – Mark came by to put more primer on the front porch. We chatted only a bit. I’m to understand that the lawn at 5225 was mowed today. The Subaru was in the way, I’m certain. Oh well. It’s to be moved on the week-end anyway. I would have done it today but… I got wrapped in things for Jacquie. Besides, I have until the 14th August to vacate. If anything happens to the car or any of my possessions… I simply call the police and file a complaint and claim. Hey! Since Bobo’s got cash now… it might just be in my best interest. – One thing I must note: the calls from “collectors” are coming in for Jacquie. It’s interesting: She went off to Italy, Washington, pulls in 1600 a month over her income and still can’t seem to get things together. I could LIVE off only that 1600! People! I’ll NEVER understand. But it’s none of my business, really. I feel I have to get the place together now for her so that I can get out of here and she can rent those two rooms as she’d thought. I also have to figure how I’m going to get out of here… and when. – Well…

Sat.23.Jul: 7.15 at 5199. I didn’t get into bed until almost 1.00 this morning. At 5.30 the phone rang. Pam. She and Dave are off to a “Maple Conference” and other such things. Sorry she won’t be going to a “play” with Jacquie and maybe I’d go? “That could be fun.” Meanwhile, I’m really, REALLY tired and my insides are a mess because of anxieties caused by 5225. I need to get over there and pack and eventually move out. I need to get to my plants. I need to vomit. I just need to be dead. THAT would be the bet thing all round. The last message from Jacquie said she’d be back around 7.00 if there was no work to be done on the job. Ah, but because people aren’t specific and can’t wrap their heads round the fact that others can’t read their minds and know their intentions and such, 7am or pm? If pm, I’m rather pissed at the world right now because I could have slept later. If am, she’s running for typically late. – I need to get rid of my finger nails today too. They’re long, misshapen and annoying. I’ve got muscle cramps in the feet. Coughing is SO painful down the legs. I’ve no doubt I’ve got fractures on the spine by now. Ah… and I anticipate all sorts of “work” that will “need” to be done. As was said to me the other day whilst we were in the garden and it was noted that the peppers and radishes aren’t being harvested “I’ll have to fire you.” I let the bull-shit go. No sense. But… “fire” me? Fukkoff! How about I fucking spread a little “love” (Round-up) on the fucking shit? How about not being able to grow weeds in there for a couple of years? How about THAT kind of “FIRE”? Eh? Seriously? After ALL of last Summer and the bull-shit I had to become part of? The apologies are still due… and are “long term”. I’ve not patience. I need my BDMs and a trip. Time to plan. – Anyway, forecast is for storms from about 10-16.00 today. Let’s see what comes along. Rain would be a delightful reprieve. – Coming days? Today to Thursday is going to be interesting. I just have to remember: I CAN still lock me in the room at 5225… and I MUST do so… during the week. (“Gee, I’d love to but we all know that I really have to pack.”) – 8.34 Nails, fingers AND toes, done, filed. And still no sign of Jacquie. 7.00? Maybe 19.00? – Sun is shining. I need a pack of smokes. Counted my change and such. Just enough. How charming. – But I’m so tired! And my lower body is painful this morning. Fatigue now? I’m going for a “20 minute” if possible. Oh… and there’s the possibility of Kerry showing up? Oh, to just drop dead as I type this. Oh to just drop dead. – 17.35 SO!!!! the “7” meant 19.00 and NOT 7.00!!!! FUCK ME! I could have gotten all the sleep I needed last night but… such is my existence. It DID, how-ever, rain, rather heavily, this after-noon. I, how-ever, was in the midst of making a new “order blank”/spread-sheet for Ms. Jacquie and so, did NOT (again) get my packing done. Tomorrow, how-ever, I indeed, shall. At least the town and villagers will be about. – Hey! I wonder if Jacquie’s gone to the “play” Pam mentioned. Oh it matters not at all to me one way or the other. Not only did I get the spread-sheet done (and protected), I made the new manual to go with AND printed a copy, stapled and taped and such! Nice work. Not “much” for the day, but nice, none-the-less. Also got a run to the store for smokes with the left-over change/cash I had in the bag. If nothing more comes, I’ve got Pam’s money to fall back on for smokes (I’ll NOT stop now!) Hopefully it won’t come to that though. We shall see. – Speaking of “see”… my left eye is bugging the shit out of me again today. I wonder if there isn’t some kind of something under the lid. Oh, just so long as I don’t go blind before getting out of VT. I want to SEE my home-state and mountains again… before I kick-off. – There’s stuff to be eaten in the house. I’m not certain I want to be bothered … eating. But my second tea is steeping… we shall see how the day ends. – 22.34 In the “little room”, Jacquie’s in her room with Ms. Hallie and I’m about wasted from fatigue and, admittedly, not eating. The only thing I’ve had all day is 2 frank rolls with a bit of that cream cheese dip. Truthfully, I’m not hungry. Depression. – Timing was perfect this evening at about 19.00 when Jacquie came back. Hallie and I were in the yard playing with a stick. Jacquie’s exhausted! And yet she put a slow-cooker full of baked beans on for the “brunch” at the church tomorrow. I think she starts at 8.00. – Come to find out, Pam and Dave were away, so too, Jes in in Tennessee or Kentucky, Kerry is in Ontario. I was alone in town again. Good thing I didn’t go over to 5225 today. – When Jacquie got in, we had a beer and some crisps and watched the news until just now. Well, I watched, Jacquie dozed… “the Snooze”. It’s good for that. – But I’m rather proud of the order sheet and little “manual” I did for Jacquie. It was a lot of work. I hope it makes sense to her. We’ll have time to go over it and I can help her learn it. Surely, it’ll make it all easier for her on her road trips. And that’s what it’s all about. – Meanwhile, I’m in pain all over tonight. My lower back, legs, even my ankles now. It’s not looking “good” for NY at this point. Well, tomorrow I’ll go get the plants, put them out-side some-where so they can get air, sun and water. They’ll be happy. And I’ll pack… On Monday, hopefully, I’ll be able to put things in the Subaru and bring it back over here. I’ll have to work on it a bit, figure what I can do to get it “running”, at least to the Adirondacks. (I wish I had internet so I could look-up places to “go” to… I’ll ask on the week for the log-in password. Hopefully Jacquie will get it. I looked on the router. The word on it doesn’t work. Oh well.) – I’d like to write Trump a little note. I don’t think I’ll be around come November but I’d like to let him know that if I were, I’d place my vote for him. I hope he wins the election. There are folks “my age” who truly need him in this shit-hole country. – That said, time to shut this day down. The fan is on “exhaust” in the window and I’m leaving the porch door open tonight for air. This room needs to be aired. A shame, really. It’s pretty in here, with the panelling and such. “Rustic”, as it were. A shame it’s so dark though… all the time.

Sun.23.Jul: 22.15 Well, back in the “little room” again. It would appear that I’m “here”? I’ve still got another 20-plus days before having to vacate 5225 but… we shall see how it all plays out. – Meanwhile, I woke shortly after Jacquie left this morning at 8.00. I heard her getting ready, but I just COULDN’T get awake. No problem. She left to do the “brunch” at church, I got up, had my coffee and smoke and it was a TERRIBLE MORNING, ANXIETY-WISE! HORRIBLE! TERRIFYING! SICKENING! TRULY SICKENING! I WANTED TO VOMIT, AND THAT WAS ONLY AT THE THOUGHT OF GOING OVER TO THAT HOUSE! I NEED TO BREAK THIS! I NEED TO GET IN THERE, PACK, AND GET SHIT OUT! AND I NEED TO DO IT SOON! OK, SO I HAVE 20 DAYS. BUT I NEED TO GET OVER THIS BULL-SHIT ANXIETY! I EVEN TOLD JACQUIE ABOUT IT THIS AFTER-NOON. HER RESPONSE WAS A SOME-WHAT “SYMPATHETIC” LOOK. I SUPPOSE SHE UNDERSTANDS. BUT SERIOUSLY? I DON’T! IT’S DEBILITATING! WHEN IT GETS TO THE POINT OF *NEEDING* TO VOMIT? I couldn’t help but think about the speech Ivanka Trump made at the convention (as I told Jacquie): HER parents supported the children, encouraged them, supported them. Me? I got told I was worthless, meaningless and a *burden*. I NEED to break out of THAT too! I’ve MORE, SO MUCH MORE THAN MORE PROVED REPEATEDLY that I’m a “good” person, helpful and such. The people who were a part of the oppression and degradation are gone… LONG gone, and those who’ve come to know me better over the years of my adulthood have spoken well of me. I know this to be a fact, and yet, my brain is “hard-wired” for all the bull-shit! Well, tomorrow is supposed to be brutally hot and humid and raining. I’ll go, pack everything and move as much as I can into this little room (and hope it doesn’t take on the musty odour). I WILL DO THAT TOMORROW! Whether or not anybody’s there. If I encounter trouble? I’ll come here, call the police and have done with it. I’ll let the police educate over there. At the very least, I want to get the car out of that yard. – Moving on… so I got my smoke, cleaned up the kitchen and… headed out to the garden where I “tilled” the rows on the North garden. I went to the barn (5225) and got the tools I needed and got to work. It was hot, humid and such, but the work was therapy today. BUT, WHEN I WENT TO GET THE TOOLS I SAW 3 CITRONELLA CANDLES ON THE MILK CAN BESIDE THE “DAISY’S GARDEN” BENCH! NICE… THEY’RE ENJOYING *MY* LABOUR. FAGGOTS! But I moved on and went to work. – At about 11.00 or so, Jacquie came to fetch more stuff for her brunch and saw my work and complimented me on how much nicer it looks now. She’s a gem that way, compliments and gratitude. It means the world. She left, I continued until she came back. (When I went in for a drink of cold soda, there was an envelope on the kitchen table for me. Another 50. I doubt there will be more of those, unless she considers the work and taking care of Hallie to be “extra” over the room. We’ll see.) – When Jacquie came back this after-noon, she actually weeded in where I hadn’t but complimented again on how nice the garden looks and we came in for a break. Or, as she said, “Time to stop this nonsense!” She’d brought 4 pancakes and 2 slices french toast which I had… for “brunch”. – Next… we were off for a “ride”… Jacquie had to return some kitchen items to The Abbey and wanted to bring Hallie to the Mississquoi to swim! I got to see “The Abbey” a bit. Very nice place, indeed, I must say. But we took a path across the “Rail Trail” and down to the river… the water was the usual brown and there’s no immediate access so… into the truck and off to “Fairfield Pond”!!! Through Sheldon Creek and over Sheldon Woods Rd! – The pond is quite nice, I have to say. A small lake, really. Clean. Had I my swim-trunks, I’d probably have gone in with Hallie. Probably. It was hot enough. But Jacquie waded and I meandered about the shore-line. We must have been there a couple of hours. But it was good to be out and about. – On the way back, Jacquie took some other side roads and we got to see a “contemporary”-style house, hideous, but with a nice view to the East and the mountains. BUT THE BEST OF ALL WAS FERNCH HILL RD!!! WITH THE MOST SPECTACULAR VIEW OF THE CHAMPLAIN AND THE *ADIRONDACKS*! BREATH-TAKING! WOW! WHEN WE GOT THE CREST OF THE HILL AND I SAW IT I HAD TO SAY “THAT’S MY HOME-LAND OVER THERE!” (no response from Jacquie). But it looked so far away! HEY! I’m determined… to go “home”! And I shall. – OK, so we get back to the house and Jacquie’s planning franks and beans for dinner but she’d left the beans at the church. One of the women got them but had brought them home with, so Jacquie ad to go back over to State Park Rd to get them. There, she had dinner… Here, I had a bowl of beans. (Needless to say, right now, I’m hungry!) And I had a beer. Jacquie had 2 glasses, wine and we retired to watch a bit of TV. – It must have been 20.20 or so when I was on the porch and saw the “Gliddenbenderbowens” as I call them (when, in reality, I’d like to call them as they are: The Fags) come back. I COULD have packed AND gotten the car today! But… I didn’t… Tomorrow. TO THINK: DIXIE AND SASCHA IN THAT HOUSE ALONE ALL DAY! FUCKING SHIT-BAGS OF OLD DOUCHE WATER, THOSE TWO! – Oh well. – So, a short while ago, Jacquie headed to bed and I headed to the SHOWER! And now, here I am. – It’s 22.42. The fan is going in the window, and tonight I think: If I want to go for a smoke before bed here, I can… through my own door, out to the porch and onto the back steps. Not troubling anybody else in the place. Very nice. And Jacquie seems to simply take it or granted that I’m “here” now. Well… on the 5th August I’m hoping all will go well and I’ll meet with Vincent. I’m even thinking of being bold enough to ask Jacquie if I might borrow the truck. We’ll see. And hopefully all will go well and the next time I have to travel.. the Subaru will be packed and will make the trip… TO NY! If not… there’ll be a trip… my last. But it’s nice to be able to come and go with-out having to worry about bothering anybody else at this point. – Tomorrow I’m going to try again to get the internet password so I can simply type and post. I miss my evenings on the social media. – I can’t believe the week-end is over already. I’m glad I simply “took” my shower tonight. My clothes are filthy from the gardening today but there’s Thursday evening for laundry. Hopefully they won’t stink too much before that. – I took 2 “AdvilPM” when I started this. I think I’ll sneak a smoke in and call it a night. Tomorrow… MORE ANXIETIES!

Mon.25.Jul: 23.52 In the “little room” on the bed, showered and just *logged-off*! Yes! It DID work! I got to the WiFi at last. I just needed to “manually set up” and correct the upper-case letter in the password. Stupid me! But it’s done. – The day? Well… it got off to a slow start because of the weather and the threat of storms. (On Tuesday night, 23.26) But Jacquie insisted that she wanted the rest of the mulch to finish the lily bed and the peonies along the drive. I looked for prices and the best I could find was at Aubochon’s (YAY! My “base” to THE NORTH COUNTRY… and memories of Nick and Winter nights in Plattsburgh and the Northway.) 4,99/3cuFt. Better price than Wallmarde! So, it must have been round 10.00 when we headed out and to Highgate, McCuin’s to check there. There’s was dyed and shredded down to almost pulp. We went to Swanton to Aubochon’s. Ah… right across from where I’d taken my postal test… almost 4 years ago. As I said to Jacquie: My first visit to the place seemed as if it was in the middle of no-where. I’d never guessed that it would ever become “familiar”. (And now, when I’m ready to leave it all!) – So, we got the mulch and came back to the house. Jacquie had an errand to run, and so, when she left, it was about 14.00. I wanted the little garden-seat of Daisy’s so I went over to the barn at 5225. There were no cars at the house so I grabbed the seat, put it into the front of the Subaru and decided to bring it to 5199. JUST as I went tearing out of the yard, the back door opened and fatshit came out with the dogs!!!! I ALMOST HIT DIXIE!!!!! BUT I DIDN’T STOP! Just rolled out of the yard, to the Highgate St, and into Jacquie’s yard. Took the garden-seat out of the car and…. got to work on the lilies. – Jacquie came back and she weeded her sunflowers in the garden whilst I worked on the lilies… and today… they’re 75% DONE!!!
*** NOTE *** AS I WAS WORKING ON THE LILIES AND JACQUIE WAS IN THE GARDEN I HEARD FATSHIT SCREECHING AT SASCHA AND DIXIE!!! LITERALLY SCREECHING! I LOOKED UP AND BARELY SAW JACQUIE AT THE BACK GATE AND SOMEBODY’S BALD HEAD THERE TOO. I PAID NO ATTENTION, FIGURING THAT JACQUIE WAS HANDLING THE SITUATION, (PERHAPS TALKING ABOUT ME AND MY SITUATION AND THEM BEING WHAT-EVER… THAT WAS INCORRECT… ) AS I LEARNT LATER, HALIE HAD GONE THROUGH THE FENCE TO SEE DIXIE AND SASCHA MUST HAVE GOTTEN INTO IT WITH HALLIE. OR, PERHAPS HALLIE KNOWS WHAT’S GOING ON AND WANTED TO BE WITH DIXIE & LET SASCHA KNOW SHE’S NOT LIKED. WHAT-EVER. BUT AS JACQUIE TOLD ME OF THE EVENT, SHE WAS SADDNED BY THE FACT THAT HALLIE WANTED TO SEE DIXIE AND FATSHIT MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE. (Ah… THAT one’s going to be trouble… even as it was said shortly after it arrived. Well… Franklin will have to deal with yet another “freak” in that house. I’ll have no part of it.)
Well, Jacquie and I worked until about 19.00 when I’d done the mulching, spread the weed-deterrent and it started to rain, full-out. It had been drizzling a bit through the day but just when I needed the rain for the mulch… RAIN! We came in, had a burger and beans for dinner. And Jacquie had gone to the store here and brought me a 6-pack of bottles of “Twisted Tea” … “for when I’m away”. Honestly… it’s comforting to be appreciated. I DO have regrets about leaving her, I know it’s going to make a hard-ship. But I CANNOT stay in this town any longer and I CANNOT exist as I do here. I’ve 20 days left on the “notice” and I HAVE to get into that dump, get my things and get the actual FUCK OUT OF THERE! It’s for the best… especially for me. – Meanwhile, the anxieties about going into 5225 are almost murderous! Not only because of the potential confrontation and general faggotry, but seeing Dixie… and having to say “Good-bye”. Truly, it’s more painful than I can even put into words. I’ll miss her so much… and worry about her as much and more. – (As I noted in my quick-notes for today… “Tired now, more tomorrow.) – But… TODAY I HAVE INTERNET AGAIN! SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON!

Tue.26.Jul:
HOME
23.02 Hungry and Thirsty but the house is dark. I’ve just come from a *Belevedere* smoke! and a SHOWER! – The day? Well… From the beginning, I woke to the 6.00 alarm and decided to “snooze” a bit whilst Jacquie got ready to go on her appointments today. And “snooze” I certainly did! I woke again at 7.00 and Jacquie was still in, so I “snoozed” some more… deep sleep! Until about 8.30! Woke to an empty house and a note on the table: “Hallie has been fed.” So I made my coffee, had my smoke and by 9.00 Hallie and I were out on the Highgate street where… THE LILY BED IS NOW MULCHED END TO END! It took until Jacquie got back home at about 14.00. But it’s done! Another promise… kept. I was working on the peonies on the drive when Jacquie pulled up and told me I had to stop. WE were going to Bedford to pick framboises! So there! And so, a glass of iced-tea, a change of t-shirt only, into the truck and away we went! – Framboises-picking. About 90 minutes and we filled the 9 baskets. I sat for most of it, getting the berries from the bottom branches and we worked away the evening from 16.30-18.00. Then, into the truck and into Bedford for POUTINE and SMOKED MEAT at BARRY’S. (18,62$C! A bit on the high side for my taste but it was delicious, and so nice to be in Québec again after such a long while. On the way back, we stopped a the Dépeneur Bedford/Sonic where I got 2 packs of Belvedere BUT…
I PAID IN U.S. AT PAR! 28,90!!! BUT INSTEAD OF GETTING AND EXCHANGE, THEY CHARGED ME PAR! FUCKING BITCHES! I’LL BE POSTING THIS TO THE SOCIAL MEDIA, TO BE SURE.
But I got my 2 packs of smokes and, so well, now I’ve no cash, save the 100 from Pam and a dollar. Oh well. Live, learn and never repeat. – When we got back, Jacquie had a glass of wine, I had a “Twisted Tea” and we watched a bit of the DNC until just recently. – *** NOTE *** As we came into Fuklin, we passed 5225 and there, parked in front of the house, between the 2 cars, with a temporary plate… a motorcycle! My first reaction was that they were “entertaining”. Ah… but my gut proved right again: Bobo’s got a new toy!!! THAT was confirmed when, just before settling in to watch TV at 5199, I went out for a smoke and sure as shit, there they were, the 2 fat fags, decked in helmets, rolling down Main St. Talk about disgusting: Precious little is more hideous that 2 FAT things on a motorcycle! Especially a slim bike! And on the back, grabbing the driver for dear life, that thing… THING, in all it’s 500lb glory, looking like a terrified little fat brat. I told Jacquie that my suspicions were correct. Honestly. Timing. To think. (Now, I probably should have gone directly to the house to get my coffee there because I’m almost out here, but I didn’t know if they’d be going for a “spin” or that fat-thing in the back would cry and they’d come back too soon. I’ll be SORRY in the morning. There’s only about 2 teaspoons of coffee in the jar. I’ll have to break down and get over there… fat-thing or not. I’m tired of being “considerate”.) Anyway, there we have it. – But more on the gardening: As I was working, “David” from the lake stopped to chat. Asked about the kayaks. I told the story about being tossed. Ah, David, 82 years old. We share “experience”. He agreed that the “younger” ones have no thought nor respect for anything nor anybody and said that he gives this little “relationship” a matter of some months. When I said that I’d been advised not to be in the house alone with the fat-thing, he rather agreed. “B knows nothing about him and there’s no telling what’s to come. And you (me) don’t know anything about him so it’s probably in your best interest not to be there alone.” Ah… as I say.. the experience of age. – Also, one of the local old guys drove by. I’ve seen him much in town but never spoke, “When you’re done there, you can come do mine.” he said, of the garden work. “I’ll be over after lunch.” I joked with him. – I find it amazing: 3 years and nobody in town spoke with or to me. Now, I suppose I’ve “proven” myself here and as I get ready to get the hell out, they become “cordial”. Oh well. I want none of it. I want to get back to NY where I belong. – It’s a beautifully clear night tonight and the sky is full of stars. I hope that when all is done, I get to look up to a New York sky soon! And I hope it will be as clear, and there’ll be nothing to hide the billions of stars to be seen. Or… I hope to find a nice pine, by a nice pond or lake or stream, where I can lay back, look to the Heavens until blindness of death takes my sight and I can leave here, this Earth, this existence… in Peace. – I have to catch up on yesterday’s notes now. I don’t get on this thing in the morning of late. We’ll see what Thursday-Sunday brings this week. I’ll probably be here, in the “little room”. I don’t like being like this, where there’s no “official” invitation. I don’t like being a “free-loader”, even though I’m working my arse and back to shreds to be deserving. I need to pack the Subaru and get on with things… NOW! I’m thinking: Jacquie will be gone Thursday-Sunday morning… I DO believe I’ll get the moving done this week.

Wed.27.Jul: 12.36 WEAK! WOW! WEAK! Woke at about 8.30, finally, Jacquie in the shower, so no “potty”. But I got up, put on my sweaty, nasty, foul working t-shirt and such and with-out coffee, went directly to work on the peonies along the drive, hand-weeding. I’m not certain, but it must have been round about 10.00 or so when she came out. I was bout half through the weeding. And I continued… 11.30 and the mulching was DONE! I gathered the bits of bark that she wants to keep for the wood stove, raked the drive, dumped the weeds and such on the compost pile and came in for a tea and some news. And I’m SO run down right now that it’s almost painful. My clothes need washing (perhaps tomorrow), and so too, I need to be washed! Thoroughly! But I don’t have the energy. And my legs are actually sorely weak right now. Coffee? Exhaustion? Anxieties! I need to get into 5225 to get my plants, coffee, bands for my teeth, and I don’t dare… not whilst the faggot is in there. And, quite honestly, even if I could get in, I don’t have the strength right now. And I don’t want to see Dixie. My heart can’t take that pain. Fucking abusive faggots. My head is a mess. I need to work me through and out of this shit. – And nobody knows… and even if they did, it wouldn’t make any difference at all. – 23.06 In bed in the “little room”, SHOWERED AT LAST! AND HAVING POP TARTS! YES! AND… IN MY “JAMMIES” T-SHIRT, SHORTS AND ADIDAS PANTS! YES! But it was at a price… my heart is broken, shattered and shredded.
***
*** M’DIXIE OBVIOUSLY DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHY I CAME INTO THE HOUSE THIS EVENING (when nobody was there), DIDN’T TAKE HER OUT FOR A ‘MOKE, WENT TO THE ROOM, WATERED THE PLANTS, GRABBED WHAT I COULD FIT INTO THE GREEN TOTE, GRABBED THE CAR SUPPLIES, MY PRAYER BAG, TOILETRIES, *COFFEE*! AND RAN OUT THE DOOR AGAIN.
I PRAY WITH MY *** ALL *** THAT THOSE TWO FAGS IN THERE PAY AS DEARLY AS LIFE CAN CHARGE FOR WHAT THEY’RE DOING TO THAT POOR CREATURE! IF THERE IS *ANY* TRUTH TO *ANY* FORCE OR BEING IN CONTROL, MAY IT METE OUT HARSHEST JUSTICE TO THOSE DREGS, LOW-LIFES, MISERABLE BITS OF USELESS SHIT! I PRAY! ***
***
And that’s pretty much how it all came together this evening when, at about 18.00, Jacquie decided to take Hallie to Fairfield Pond again and I simply said that I needed to get some things from the house. I went, got, came back and we went to the pond. Jacquie drove along, with a mug of beer in the console, I, with a bottle. She’s quite something, this Ms. Jacquie. Time at the pond was, for me, a bit of a misery because of my fatigue, my painful legs and back ad the fact that I KNOW I stunk horribly from dirty clothes and sweat. But we went for about 30 minutes and it was fine. When we got back, we had a bit of dinner: 3 meatballs in a pineapple/jalapeno sauce, mixed vegs and the rice/lentils. It was tasty and just about enough. After, we settled to watch the DNC for a bit and moments ago, it was “close shop” time. We’re all done with the day. – Tomorrow? It’s “Thursday”. I get to wash my clothes and me and take some “easy time”. Imagine: On Friday and Saturday, I can sleep-in! WOW! No obligations and the likes. BUT… I WILL be taking the time to pack the room and bring it over. Where I’ll store, I’ve little idea. But I WILL bring as much as possible over here. Not “ALL”, I shouldn’t think, because I have until the 14th August and I’m doing them NO favours! – Oh, of note: the hall carpeting was obviously shampooed! Imagine? AFTER I’M OUT! FUCK THEM! And there’s no sign of the motorbike today. I wonder. Oh well. – But, as I thought today, as has been said: Between the two of them, neither one knows the other, Gordo’s made a grand shit of itself in town already, the town knows who put all the work in the place… easy come… easy go. – Oh… and as a “BTW”: Jacquie wants to take a trip over to see the NY place! I told her that I’m getting housing and no salary. She said I should go look into it before making a move. I made it clear: I’m going BACK to NY. And now she wants to take a “road trip”! I don’t think so. – The “n” key is skipping on this lap-top tonight. Jeezis! What next? I don’t want to know. – I have photos to post to “Woodhauler” and it’s 23.24 already! The days are zipping by! – 23.38 I have to note, because I’ve thought of it several times now:
I wonder if Jacquie feels “safer” with somebody else in the house. There are people like that; those who feel better with somebody in the house. And perhaps I’m I diversion from something she’s trying to avoid. I wonder if she’s not happier with me around… for company and companionship.

Thu.28.Jul: 11.57 and in the house… Jacquie’s. She’s gone to work. Here I am. There’s nothing on my “agenda” for the day. I could, actually, go right back to sleep. But I’m hoping Gordo will disappear from town for a while today and I can get more “stuff” from over there. I’m looking forward to getting MOST of it out in the next 3 days. Hopefully. I don’t “want” to bring it all over here, but I know that I “must”. The whole situation makes me physically and mentally ill. These are the days when I wish I could develop the “Welfare mentality”… just do shit and fuck everybody in my way. But… maybe. Even the “Shelter” attitude isn’t helping these days. At any moment though, I suspect it will kick in. I just wish I could hear from Vincent. Pack the car and GO! Even if it’s just to get to the mountains and “GO”. But the wash is in the machine. The clothes are FILTHY! Hopefully they’ll come clean in one wash. Oh well… SHIT! Others get away with “down days”, “slow days”, days of lolling. I don’t see why I shouldn’t. – Now… on to check e-mails and météo and soc.med. After that? … … … … … After that. Hey… I didn’t get up and out of bed until almost 8.00 this morning. I’m exhausted. And Jacquie doesn’t seem to “mind”. Oh….. – 21.33 Sitting in the recliner, in front of the TV, Fox News, with a Twisted Tea. The kitchen is in order, dish washer empty and the porch door closed. My work clothes are washed and the day is “done”. Earlier, I watched a couple WTC videos from 2001 and all I can think of tonight is:
I survived a bomb on a subway, the fall of the WTC, 16 months of a Homeless Shelter in NYC to come to this: being tossed from 5225 after THREE YEARS of working to the point where my legs and back are going, if not almost gone. It’s time to stop this… and the only way to do that is to stop it “ALL”.
And there really isn’t anything more to say. I’m ***HOMELESS*** and I’m tired of it all.
But it’s nice, right now, to sit quietly, civil, for tonight… tonight… only tonight. – Tomorrow, I’ll have to face the shit and just GO and PACK. That’s that.

Fri.29.Jul: 0.06 Just getting into bed after watching the Democratic Convention and having 2 “Teas”. Hallie has taken a place in the hall outside the “little room” and we are here, together, alone. I had intended to be in bed a LONG while ago but, as is usual, I got wrapped up in all sorts of bull-shit that doesn’t matter to me, really. – But it was a lovely night on Twtr with NYFarmer. I told her that Woodhauler is 8539266 and she was very sweet. I hope, one of these days, I can meet her and thank her for her kindnesses back in the Shelter. – Received word from Jacquie that her Maryrose doesn’t like her driving and it seems won’t be going with her on road trips. Well, truth be known, Jacquie’s driving IS atrocious. But apparently Maryrose told her that she’s “too old” for the road trips. Well, maybe she is, but the thing is, it keeps her going with life. And to Jacquie, life is important. And as far as being “too old”, well… All I can say is Maryrose is showing her “Christianity”, just as they all do, sooner or later (Jacquie will too, sooner or later). Oh well. It’ll be “interesting” to discuss this with her on Sunday. – Meanwhile, I need to get some sleep. In some hours from now, I expect to be in the room at 5225, packing and moving more over to here. “Storage” until… I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS HUMBLE SHIT! I KNOW that I have better standing in this town than ANY of the people at that house. I just don’t want the shit. Oh well… if it comes… it will have to come. AND I dread seeing Dixie… and having to leave her. But the sooner I get “me” out of “there” the better for all… including Dixie. – Funny, but there are crosses and crucifixes and the likes all over this place and none of them mean anything to me at all. Once upon a time I thought they represented “strength” and “help”. Today? I know better… crutches for the feeble. Humans are shit, generally speaking. Oh well… time… again… time. – 1.36 I’ve given Dixie a Twtr account and gmail and have posted her Twtr on all of my Twtr accounts. Let’s see what kind of response comes from this. – TIME FOR A NAP! – 8.05 Up. Loo. Coffee. Smoke. Hallie is on the floor beside the bed. “Dog”. It’s not a “fault”, but it’s something I don’t enjoy, especially first thing in the morning. – Fog. There was a fog this morning. It’s already burning off in the past 5 minutes. – I wanted to sleep-in this morning. No such luck. Figures. And again, this morning, the anxieties of packing. Moving. Again. I need to simply just get up, get over there, get packed, get out. And into what? Another unstable situation. I need to figure this all out. I just don’t have the stamina any more. But I must. NY… and… away… and no more. Never again. – 23.16 In bed. “Little Room”. The scent of the dryer is being pulled into the room by the fan in the window. And it smells quite nice in here for a change. Laundry. Being done. How charming to be in the same house and not thinking about folding and hauling it up the road tomorrow or later. –
*** Thought tonight: I’m just in from a smoke. In the yard at 5225, the back light is on. I can see the smoke rising from the fire-pit… that I built… Their Eric is there again tonight. Last week-end they obviously had a fire. This week-end too. How charming it is to watch as others enjoy the results of my toil. Carrying the tyre ring to the back yard, digging the pit to place it, hauling the bricks from the brook and digging them out of the ground round the garden… hauling the lumber and wood and building the wood-pile, cutting much of it as well. And tonight, again, it’s enjoyed… not by me… I’m not even invited… I’m being thrown out of the house after all the work is done. Delightful. And yet, I’m the one who is the “useless one”, the “lazy one”, the “worthless one”… again. Indeed. – Well, as I looked up into the star-filled sky, with the wisps of clouds hovering above I thought:
Soon… I’ll be a part of that, of the night sky, the stars, the “energy” that makes this “world” continue. And from that vantage point, I’ll have some “play” in it… just as the energy of those gone before me have today.***
Well today, I had my little “Food Stamp” interview and now I have to submit a “letter” from “Bobo” telling that I’m in “519” in exchange for labour. THIS is probably going to be the “end” of food for a while. Oh well… I’ll think of something. It’s what I do. I literally “wrote the book” on such things. But, we shall see. – Accomplishments of the day? I’ve gotten the laundry done. I scrubbed my teeth with Comet and toothpaste and changed the band tonight. And I got a really nice shower in too. I Hoovered the house late this afternoon. Oh! Right! I packed! At about noon, I sent a “text” to Bobo’s phone telling him that I’d be in the house packing and moving as much as I possibly could today. (Reply: “OK. Thanks.”) Gordo left for a while and I headed over, got the stuff out of the closet and swept in there, leaving a couple of jackets, including the rags Bobo “gave” me that I don’t want at all and never wore. I un-plugged things, threw the desk stuff into a box, grabbed other “stuff” and tossed it into totes, grabbed my boots and such and brought that over to the “little room. It was done in about an hour. I was going to go back for more but I’ve been so fucking tired of late, so instead, I Hoovered the house in prep for the floor-washing of Sunday. – Anything else? Nope. Not at all. As I say: I’m TIRED! But at least this house is being kept “clean” for a change. And me? I’m CLEAN AT LAST! – Tomorrow? Saturday? Day of rest. I don’t give a shit. No doubt 5225 will be empty for a bit and I’ll get some more “stuff”. But that’s about the extent of my plans. – The heart-ache is seeing Dixie. She KNOWS something is “wrong”. She didn’t even come to the room to stay with me. I suppose she too is putting in the distance. It kills me… literally… kills me. I won’t be able to hold this pain for much longer. I just wish I could get an e-mail from Vincent saying “Come over, I’m here.” I’ve no doubt that if he actually wants somebody on the premises, I’m in. Once back in NY… I can check the fuck out. Vincent said he’ll be up round the 5th August. If not? I plan on my own… before the cold weather comes along. I need a map of the area… plot and plan and pick. Or… “google”. I’ll find my peaceful place and 61? Get the actual fuck out of this shit! – May “Karma” take care of all soon.. begin now… culminate when I’m gone. – It’s not too bad in this “little room” though. And there’ll be enough space for the rest of what’s in 5225. I just need to get it all out of there and into here and have done with it. Then, decide what will go into the car for “storage”. Next step? Get into the car, pray that it makes it all the way… and cut this shit to the end. – OK. 23.34. I’ve had 2 “teas” and 2 acetaminophen. Hopefully I’ll sleep well tonight and late enough tomorrow. – The “bleep” just sounded on the dryer. I’ll leave the clothes in there tonight… because I can. Tomorrow? If I should die before I wake… it would be lovely, indeed. – PS: Enjoy the fire… Eric.

Sat.30.Jul: 8.19 And… another day. Just waking, sitting at the kitchen table, have had my coffee and smoke. Hallie is fed and is laying on the kitchen floor beside me. The sun is shining out-side. I have to get to the barn to get Mme. some grain. And it was another night of 8 hours’ sleep. I wanted to stay in bed this morning. But Hallie decided it was time to wake up. Oh well. Why not? “Why?” is more the question. Why wake at all? But, I will not die in Vermont, no matter how ready I am. – Saturday. I wonder what is to come of this day. Next week, hopefully, the need to get to NY. I hope. Next week will wrap it up. All I need is the meeting… and to know, definitively, what’s to come. I think, from time to time, what it will be like over there: no houses all about… and the Adirondacks in the back yard. And as I type this morning, the stench of manure wafts into the house. There’s a dairy farm next door to the B&B. But that’s the natural manure. THIS is NOT “natural”. I’ll have to check the place today. Satellite view. Hopefully, no open pits. But then, that doesn’t seem to be a “NY” thing, open pits. I can only hope. – I wonder if I’ll be able to get to 5225 for anything more today, over the week-end. Tomorrow? That’s another day to ponder… if or when it happens. – Today. – 23.18 “Little Room”, in bed, the day… another day is done. Instead of doing “nothing” and observing a “day of rest”, I buckled, at about noon, and headed out the back door to the pile of ash under the withered “raspberries”. I intended to do nothing more than weed and “make neat”. What’s there now is a rather delightful (as much as possible) stand of raspberry bushes, the old “walk behind cultivator” and a few zinnias. It looks like an intentional “garden”. I “accomplished. I’m certain I’ll hear something about not having gone into the “garden” to check the squash and thin the turnips. But you know something? I can’t give a shit. I ate the left-over beans, the pasta salad and the left-over meat-balls and rice-lentil mix. Enough? Hardly. But some-how, this evening, when I SHOWERED and WASHED MY WORK CLOTHES (yes, I’m clean… CLEAN!!!) I weighed-in… 176lb!!! HOW? WTF is in me? Oh well. I have to “look”… to “appear” healthy and fine when I meet Vincent! – This morning, I spent time searching for the B&B and such. m I “thrilled”? Only because of the proximity to emptiness in the Adirondacks. I used to think of how nice it would be to have a little “A-frame” up there, some-where, away. I had it imagined in my heart. Well… with going there, the A-frame won’t happen, but I’ll be there… when it’s time to simply go to sleep… sleep… and that’s comforting. There aren’t many trees at the place. I’m still not certain that it’s going to be all that calm and quiet. I’m not certain about any of it. But one thing I know: I want it, I want to get back to NY and I want to be in the Adirondacks now, more than ever, because, well… my body is telling me that it’s time to go. My back is out, my thighs explode in pain when I cough. I can’t walk quickly or for too long. The only position I’m comfortable in is sitting… in the recliner. I’m in pain, all day, every day now. I’ve no idea what’s going to be expected of me in NY. I don’t much care either. That’s the problem now: I don’t care. I drank a beer and a “tea” this evening. I took 2 more acetaminophen with the beer. It doesn’t stop the pain. It’s time… I don’t care and I’m in constant pain. – I pondered: I wondered what would happen if I went to the ER with my pain and they find damage and I tell them it came from all the working at 5225. I wonder if there’d be a law suit and if I’d win. Seems Bobo has money these days, I wonder. After all… the damage is from keeping that property up. Oh well. It would come to nothing anyway… because that’s how my existence goes. But I pondered. – Kailah got a new car. I couldn’t even fake “joy” for her. Asked about gas mileage. She told me that her Michael changed bearings on their other car. (“We’ve got 2 cars again!” said she. HOW? He’s not working. I know they fall behind in the rent. They’ve got one kid and another en route. HOW? Maybe I need to simply be honest and stop being so damned “concerned” about shit. I could be on some kind of income. AND I’ve got to figure how to keep my FS! Some kind of “note” that can be signed or some way to dodge the end results of it. But there’s time for that, I think… until the end of August… by which time I hope to be in the Adirondacks, at the rate I’m going.) – OK. SO anyway, here I am, on a comfy bed. Tomorrow the “solitude” days come to a crashing halt. Tomorrow, I need to get another pack of smokes. Tomorrow, I need to get into 5225 and bring more of my things out of there. Probably pack the Subaru now. I need to get that running a bit as well. It’s been a while. Oh… the shit. – Hallie’s driving me rather nuts with her constant following me out the door and, at night, when it’s time for last smoke and I want to close the house, she won’t come back in. She doesn’t do “Come”. I’m at the end of that shit as well. But it’s not for much longer… no matter what. – Time to close this up too and me. Floor-washing tomorrow… and probably “garden work” just to dodge the whining. I HATE THIS EXISTENCE! – OHOHOH! I almost forgot to add… I looked over the fence to day, at the fire-pit at 5225: Bricks missing, the milk cans from the bench are on the lawn and there’s nothing left of the old wooden wheel barrow but the metal parts. THEY BURNED IT! A stack of fire-wood and they’ve burned the old wheel barrow! Oh well… I wonder if Bobo won’t put Dixie down on Tuesday. We shall see. She’d be better off… and we can see each-other again… soon.

Sun.31.Jul: 8.49 Tired. Nothing new there. Tired. Morning thoughts of going to 5225 making me ill. Nothing new there either. Morning thoughts of “moving” making me ill. Nothing new. Thoughts of waking up in NY again… comforting… thoughts of something going wrong and that not happening… making me ill. Thoughts of the cold weather coming.. silly… but making me ill. And the pain when I cough? Concerning. Thoughts of my body breaking down, wondering what’s causing the numbness on my thighs, contemplating going to have it checked, the situation with FS… existence in general… making me ill. – I need to Hoover and wash the floors this morning. Why? Simply because it should be done to keep peace. I wonder if there will be any more “income”. I have to dip into Pam’s money today for smokes. I doubt there’s to be any more income from here. When I think about it, I’m getting a room and food… I’m certain that’s going to be “the issue”. Alas. Things change… Last evening, somebody posted to Twtr, a photo of a gal holding a sign: Suicide doesn’t stop things from getting worse, it stops the chance for things to get better. BOLLOCKS! Things don’t get “better”. They just don’t. Why am I even here to type this this morning? Curiosity and absolute stupidity. I’m an arse. And Hallie stinks terribly again this morning. Something’s not “right” with her. She needs to be washed. I’d pondered doing so but… so, no doubt, there’s going to be another “Let’s go to the lake.” trip coming. IF things were to go well, there’d be “an envelope” today and a trip to Bedford tomorrow. I’m a moron… to even think of such a thing. I’m a moron… period. – Well… I’ve had the morning routine of vit., coffee, smoke and loo. Just sitting at table at the moment, gathering wits, waiting for it to be “civil hour” to Hoover and get this day rolling. – Last night, way into the night, there was the banging up-stairs. I don’t know how Jacquie tolerates such bull-shit. I don’t know how some think that it’s perfectly fine to make such annoyances. I’m rather interested in the fact that it’s not just a “city” situation. No consideration for anybody other than “self”, no matter where, no matter who. And then there’s me: “We don’t even know whether your here or not.” whilst others make it certain that the world knows where they are… BANG! Interesting. – Well… time to check the weather and such and get along. There ARE things to do and be done with this day. I should stop whining. I’m just tired… of being tired and in pain. Tired. – 22.23 “Little room”, in bed. Today? I never got over to 5225 BUT I DID get to the store for a pack of smokes where, with Jada and Sue, I managed to set the record straight about the current situation. Sue’s comment: “You’ll be better off at Jacquie’s.” Jada mentioned that Bobo had gone into the store recently and bitched because Sascha had jumped all over him. Well… and it appears that they’re not too exactly “thrilled” with Gordo either. So? So…. Ad I made it known that I’ve been advised not to be in the house alone with Gordo but that they’re not making it any easier for me to get in there and get my things out. So, let’s just see how the rumour mill grinds along with this. – Meanwhile, oh the timing again today. I got up and out rather just before noon and started to weed and clean the other patch of raspberries and then planted more zinnias over there so that they can be seen from the kitchen window now too. Well! AS I was re-watering the flowers of yesterday (having planted one more pot of zinnias over there), Jacquie rolled in. She saw me watering the flowers and indeed, it appeared that I’d done all the work this morning. I told her I’d done the others yesterday but I don’t know that the point was caught. No prob. Anyway, she appears to be quite happy about the flowers and parked the truck round the back so as not to obstruct the view of them. How kind. – Well, it didn’t take long… she went to the garden to check, brought in some veggies and that’s what we had for “lunch”: broccoli, zucchini, and each a half crook-neck squash that has some-how cross-pollinated with some other squash. THAT, as it turns out, was today’s “meal” for me. A little ice cream after and… we were off on the road to Fairfield Pond so Hallie could go swimming. – Ah… at the pond, it was interesting. I threw some stones for Hallie and Jacquie tried to throw the stick AND some stones but Hallie all but ignored her! She wanted to play with ME! Here we go! I told Jacquie that I believe that the “loyalty” of Dixie toward me and away form Bobo is part of why I’ve been tossed. But the truth of the matter is: the dogs like me because I play with them… OK? OK. – Well, after a while, we were back in the truck and looking for more lake/pond access but, like all over this state, water-front properties are all “private”. So we drove along, ended up in E. Fairfield for their “Jig Festival”. Jacquie wanted to sit and attend and so we did for a bit. It was strange for me to be there, knowing Faith in town and having worked at the post office. Imagine: sitting on the grass, in my gardening clothes, with the towns’ folk… in a VT village/town and feeling almost, some-how, a part of the community. I wasn’t “thrilled” by being there, but I wasn’t too offended either. Still, I wonder… is NY going to be even similar? I feel less and less part of this state and want less and less to be in it. We stayed until about 18.00 and were back on the road. – THEN CAME THE MOST INTERESTING PART OF ALL… I TOOK MY ORIGINAL BIKE ROUTE BACK TO FUKLIN! YES… THE DIRT ROADS! (I made a wrong turn and after a long while, got back to the “North Rd.” into Sheldon Creek but….) We talked about the 6 days of biking in the rain. Jacquie kept missing the points of rain, dirt roads, 4.30 in the morning, pouring rain, mud. But she did comment on how “lonely” the ride must have been and how difficult to walk up the multitude of hills. Still, she just didn’t quite grasp the difficulty. At one point I simply said: “I don’t regret having done it, and riding these roads today, I don’t miss any of the experience and I never will miss it. Nobody else would ever do that much for a job.” I had to tell her thrice about being called a “dick” by Bobo on that Saturday because I couldn’t help move the crap metal from the barn because I was in a bit of pain and fatigue. Seriously… THEY DON’T GRASP THE SEVERITY AND THE ETHIC AND SUCH! YOU KNOW WHAT? FUKKEMALL! DENSE. IGNORANT AND STUPID. No sense belabouring the issue. No need to say the mass twice for the deaf. – When we got back to the house, we had a bowl of coleslaw which Jacquie ad made form a half cabbage from the garden and we chatted. She revealed that she too, goes to bed at night praying that she just doesn’t wake up in the morning. Imagine that! Both of us! (Although I want it to happen back on the “home” soil of NY and NOT in THIS SHIT-HOLE state.) – Well… we had our slaw and a beer and settled to watch a bit of tonight’s FoxSnooze until 22.00 at which hour I took Hallie out for last ‘moke’n’stroll and came in, SHOWERED briefly and here I am, finishing my PopTarts and journal. – I cant believe July is GONE already! It’s gone by too quickly! August… that month. And as the time passes, my anxieties about Port Henry increase. I’ve received no word… but no news is good news. There’s been no word of “Yay” and no word of “Nay” so… I continue to look forward to the day when I can get back, get up the mountains and get the fuck out of this existence. – 22.48 Time for a quick run through the soc.med. and to nap. I’d truly like a nice tea, but the kettle is packed in a box at 5225. Tomorrow, Jacquie has to make a run to BTV. Hopefully I’ll be able to get more form 5225 and into this room. I’ll need to pack the car soon (I hope).