Wed.1.Oct:

6.16 Another month. This is depressing enough. I owe… I OWE! I stepped out for the morning smoke to find the world in a bit of fog, the air and the very atmosphere is heavy… “heavy”. It made me ill, for some reason. I have to get to Bedford today and this is my “greeting”… fog. And it’s dark at this hour. The days are shorter, the nights are longer and there’s fog pressing down on the air. And it’s another month. This is horrific. Just miserable. This morning’s thought: Yom kippur. My “life” is atonement. I’ve done nothing worth a day of fasting. “Fasting”? Imagine that. Living… existing on 189$ for a month, and I should “fast” for the day. Imagine that. “Living”… existing at all, and I should feel obligated to “atone”. IF I have done wrong, then indeed, I am sorry. But the only person I’ve offended, to be quite honest, is “me”. And I will never forgive “me”. I never have, don’t now, never will. There is no Gehena after this. There is no Hell after this. I “atone” by the minute. Even as I sleep, I atone. I atone, until I no longer exist. – They say that those who suffer through life, are blessed, rewarded in the “after-life”. They say that those who suffer in life, find “peace” after death. Yes, it’s true. There is “peace” after death, but not in an “after-life”. Those who suffer are rewarded with “peace’ at their death because the suffering of existence is ended. I will have that “peace”… only in Death, when I cease to exist, my body and essence decay, and there is no chance of ever being conscious again. THEN, I will be at “peace”… when this “life” is absolutely finished and there is no chance of ever existing again. – Wednesday, 1 October, 2014. Another month. What horror… no… there is no “what horror?” This is neither “reward” nor “punishment”. This is simply “existence”. Random progression of cells’ existence. We strive for “balance”, just as all Nature strives for balance. We imagine what it is that we “desire” because we are convinced that that is what we desire. We imagine what it is that we “need”, because we are convinced that that is what we need. But the truth, the absolute truth of it all is: there is no logic, no reason, no cause for our existence. It simply is, that we “become”, and the only suffering or joy is our own perception of what we are, how we are, where and when we are. We are told, and we believe that our existence is “good” or “bad” based solely on that which we are told is “good” and “bad”. The entire situation is mere stupidity. It truly is a simple matter of “KADIMA”. To thrust forward, onward, to move along, preferably with the general flow of what “is”, to toss “all” into the winds, as it were, and move with that which is the progression of “Nature”. Ultimately, all things perish, Natural and man-made. ALL things perish, cease to exist. Everything is “transient”, temporary. And eventually, everything will perish, cease to exist, be gone, and forgotten. The best, the very best that can be achieved, is to reject all that we are brain-washed into believing is “good” and “bad”, and to simply accept: All is actually “good”, we simply need to adjust our individual perception, and move on, move forward, until the moment arrives when we, like all else, perish, cease to exist, be gone and forgotten. “Now” is all we can manipulate. And even that will be as it should, no matter what. Hence: “Today is what-ever I want it to be.” Perception. Nothing more, nothing less, nothing other… Perception. – Another month. These days are my atonement, for transgressions I’ve never committed, and for transgressions I never will commit. These moments are my atonement… each and every moment. – May these moments cease… quickly, instantly, soon. – Atonement: At one ment. – 11.07 Still foggy as all hell and I am getting ready to leave to HOME. – 21.10 And indeed, I DID get HOME! It was a bit on the chilly side when I left, and the fog was still about. But as I got to the border, it seemed to be lifting. It looked as though it wanted to rain, but… it didn’t and I got to the banque (CIBC) and changed 150. I decided to go for the full carton today and not have to think about it again for coupe of weeks. AND… I have another appointment to set up and account! Tuesday next! (I checked the weather forecast and, of course, it’s threatening rain. But we shall see what that turns to. I mean, after all, Kimmirut has snow on the ground already again, I don’t know how they do it up there, and more in today’s and tomorrow’s forecast. So? Rain? OK then.) ANYWAY… when I got to Metro, the woman spoke to me in English (I noticed the brown-haired woman is Anglo so that’s fine). She knew I wanted smokes but was a little taken when I asked for a carton AND when I handed her the $CAD! She attached the receipt to the carton telling me “You’ll need that.” for border crossing. I replied “Only if they stop and ask me.” She looked sternly and repeated “You’ll need that.” I thanked her, we smiled and I was out the door and down the street to the Paperie! I got 2 little Quebec flags on the stands, a new lanyard (Québec) and… FOR ONLY 5$… A LITTLE CLOCK FOR THE PO THAT I’D WANTED IN THE FIRST PLACE! IMAGINE THAT! So now I have a little travel alarm clock again. Cheaper than the one I liked so much, but another clock… for the desk here now. Next, a quick stop at Korvette where I didn’t buy anything but I held the door for a guy who was leaving and as I turned to walk into the store… BLAM! Smacked my left eye on a steel column! It stung a bit, the guy stopped and commented but left anyway and I went in. Looked for cheap pain brushes (the paperie has tracing paper and such and brushes, but nothing small enough, I thought that if I could get something really cheap, I could cut it down…. but…) Korvette had none! So? I left, got on the bike and headed back, taking my sweet time about it. The sun began to break through that the temperature rose. – A stop at C.d.Groat to open and spread the smokes and I just simply continued on… pedalled just about straight through today. It was because it wasn’t so beastly hot today and I wasn’t all sweaty and such. – Customs? Snap. Through. I don’t know what time I got back but it had to be about 15.45 or so because I was in the house when Bobo rang the “Mrs.”. Maybe even earlier because I stopped at the market for ice cream and choco-grahams. I NEEDED the ice cream at this point and when I got to the house, I put the bike in the “garage” and went to the back of the barn to sit and eat! Imagine… having to “eat” out-side!!! And ice cream sandwiches. Franchement. THIS shit HAS to end! Well.. that done, I came in and chatted to “the 2” and came up to the room where I had the last of the food that’s in here… the tine of soup… cold, and a couple cookies after. Had a Darjeeling tea with, So I guess that was OK. – OH! FS are posted and there’s almost 200 there! The rest of this week I’ll be able to eat something… something… at work. I’ll need the extra calories for the next trip up to Bedford. – A note: the woman who made the appointment took my information: passport and driver’s license info. I wonder what that was all about… I shall see come Tuesday. – Tonight I was offered FOOD! Pasta salad and franks! I was OFFERED! (I declined… with thanks. Yes, I’m starving half to death. But NO, I will NOT have that tossed in my face… EVER! – And on the front here, Bobo’s still all upset because of the fessebook fiasco with the ex. But chatting with her ladyshit I’m supposing that Bobo won’t stop feeding into it. This is all so childish. – As for the rest? Nothing… the evening rolled into the night and I’m in bed. Not showered, so it’s going to be a bit of an uncomfortable night. But hopefully I’ll get enough sleep to get up feeling OK tomorrow to get to work a bit early to check the paper-work to see if there are any petty disastres there. If so? I’m not “fixing” anything. None of my business. Just as long as mine works out I’m happy. – On this note, it’s time to try for sleep. I’ve already had my peppermint tea and too many cookies. I’m hungry, so it’s time to dodge that and get to sleep. – A nice day… away from here and back on the “Homeland”.

Thu.2.Oct: 5.54 Another morning. – The bulb in the over-the-bed light wet out. I’m on the last one from the pkg I brought with me. – Another foggy, damp morning. – I was in bed by about 21.00 last night and woke at 3.00 this morning. Forced myself to go back to sleep then woke at 5.30 before the alarms. – Not feeling well this morning. Nauseated a touch. Probably because of yesterday’s jaunt. Oh well. Oh well, indeed. And it’s a work morning. A good thing and a bad thing. I don’t feel like going in there, but I can certainly use the income. I could use MORE! as a matter of fact. But, my life isn’t that way. Never get what I need. – Well? Time to start this shit, no matter what. And…this morning… I NEED a shower as well and don’t feel like going for one of those either. – 19.43 Annnnd… SHOWERED! WAS INVITED TO A PORK CHOP FOR DINNER! AND… the day went quite well at work! Imagine that! And when I told Cecil that I probably wouldn’t be there after November, he actually wanted to know if there was some kind of committee that the villagers could address to keep me there. So… that means… there’s shit a-comin’ along at any moment. – Other than that, the shower and the full water bottles and the water on the berl for tea… I’m “done for the day”. – OH! CAUGHT RACHIE! NOT doing the reports as she should be. Imagine that! BUT… I “balanced” my drawer… to the ZERO DIFFERENCE! I’m rather happy about that. I have a “back-up” for differences, but the current sheet is zero… and catching their little girl at a fuck-up? Hey! It won’t save my employment, but *I* feel better about it. – Also, got a tip on the CAD account: Caisse Poplulaire. I’ll have to look into that this evening. Better exchange rates and such. And apparently, more presence in the Province.

Fri.3.Oct: 5.57 Upwith the alarm. Dixie came out with me for my morning smoke and wanted to come back into the house before I was done. Strange, that. – I’m feeling terribly because of the lump in her belly. I’m feeling anxious because of “living like some kind of illegal immigrant” in this house. I’m so far behind in rent payments and it doesn’t appear that I’ll be making much more money any time too soon. – A though that struck though: Yesterday, Burt (mynrd) came into the office looking for Duck Stamps. When I told him I didn’t have any, he asked for the number to the Highgate office and of course, I gave it. The next thing, Cindy rang to discuss the fact that I have none… Burt phoned her. No doubt, he complained. And she pointed out that tomorrow will probably be quite the day for the requests. Ah HAH! I asked Aline for them… WEEKS AGO! WELL! FUCK ME! EH? But no… FUCK THEM! I asked, I didn’t get. My stock is low, I asked, I didn’t get. None of my fucking business. Oh well. Once again, I try my best and get shit. All is normal. – 17.11 WHAT A FUCKED DAY THIS WAY! KEVIN LOTHIAN BITCHED TO CINDY. KIM GATES/LINDA BARNUM BITCHED TO CUSTOMER SERVICE! THE SAFE WOULDN’T OPEN! CINDY KEPT CALLING WITH THINGS. JUST FUCKED!!! – Rice cereal with creamer for dinner. And I just want to got to sleep and get away from it all. – 19.29 Well, I’ve had my tea and 3 aspirins. Sent a message to Viv via Skype… no word from her all week. Had my last smoke of the day. This shit at the office is taking a toll. I used to love looking forward to going to work. Not any more. Just run down to the nothing. – The other 3 are out. Just up and left. Well… that’s how it goes. That’s just how it goes. – It’s rather “officially” Yom Kippur. Yeah, right, and I should “fast” to “atone”. My LIFE is atonement… for shit I’m not even guilty of. – I checked the Forum this evening. I’d posted about the events of today at the office. 2 replies, both quite supportive! Both recommending that I report over Cindy. I’m going to take the number for the Inspectors and perhaps give them a call over the week-end. If not then, Monday. This shit needs to stop. I SO FUCKING HATE being in this town! Just FUCKING HATE IT! and ALL that it is. – I’ve been pondering getting some pumpkins from Cecil, something to put at the house. A “gesture” of sorts, but I don’t HAVE the money and I don’t really WANT to invest. Not to mention the probabilities of having anything destroyed by these in-breeds. Fucktards… the lot of them. – I looked up Lothian. He owns the Swanton Boat dealership! Imagine that! So, now ’tis time to see what can be done to bring that down. Surely there must be a way.. socmed. – Spent the past couple of hours on just that. And no, still no replies to my request for a lift to Mtl for Thanksgiving. How charming. Oh well… that’s how it goes round here: bust your balls and get kicked in the face. – Hopefully I’ll be able to fall asleep quickly and stay asleep. But when the clowns return, the dogs will kick up shit. I HATE being here! HATE HATE HATE with my ALL ALL ALL!!! – Now I lay me down to sleep… and pray I drop dead before dawn. – 23.40 They came in at about 21.30. I laid in bed half in, half out all evening. Went for a smoke, undetected. – Composed a message to the fucking inbreed dyke. It’s charming, profressional and WAY out of her league! – Fessebook too. – WIND! Rain coming. and a 60% on Tuesday. Isn’t that lovely? FUCK ME!

Sat.4.Oct: 5.57 A lovely way to start the day: Sick, physically, because of anxieties about going to work, to a job one truly likes. I need to get past this. I went through similar back in the New York days. But some-how, I don’t trust these shits here. They’re not balanced,, not wrapped properly. No sense in the entire lot. – Well… last night, I finally went to sleep. Probably round about mid-night. I had an alarm set for 5.00 and went back to sleep. Almost went back to sleep after the 5.35 alarm as well. Just not feeling well. If there was a way, I’d not go into that office this morning. But… I’m going in anyway. There are things that need to be done. MUCH that needs to be done. So… – Yom Kippur. This is all appropriate, I suppose. – This morning, going back to NYC seems better. – 13.05 Well… In by 7.20, out by 11.30 and I actually had to stand on the porch for about 3 minutes to wait to close! – Got in 11.33 and her ladyshit was alone. Seems the other 2 left at about 9.00 for… St.A. The returned about 12.30, grabbed her ladyshit and they all left again in the Saab. Me? J’m’en câlisse. I’m going down for a nap, having put all the year’s paper-work together today. FUCK IT! – 24.00 Watched “A Prairie Home Companion” for a while this evening, then decided to take out the afghan as I listened to the rest of the the programme! I’m not on the first row of double crochet black! And tonight, I’ll sleep under it. – This evening, I was given a plate with 3 piece of chicken and some fries!!! I joked about being suspicious about being offered food… but I wasn’t being exactly too joking about it. Jester ever got up to offer his chair! Something’s not “right” here. – Meanwhile… it’s time to check the weather and get a nap in. I slept for an hour whilst the house was empty today. But… – By the way, the chicken was quite a saver. All I had all day was the left-over cream cheese, peanut butter on a roll and later, the last roll. – Thought on closing: I’ll finish this, the 3rd afghan, and will die in it. –

Sun.5.Oct: 7.25 I woke on my own at 6.00. We t to sleep at midnight, woke at 6.00. My sleep cycle is 6 hours. Science in the morning. – Just up from a smoke and standing on the back gallerie, got terribly sick to my stomach thinking about going to work tomorrow. This is becoming problematic; the thought of having to go into that office sickens me… physically. I wonder how long this will take before it takes its toll. But, I keep thinking: Barnum filed the complaint of late delivery at 9.30… the SPMS report clearly states that “Up Time” is 11.00. The trouble? I’ve NO support from anybody. They’ll see the complaint and that’s the end of it. Oh well… there’s nothing I can do. The reports clearly indicate that I’m in the right. Fuck it. – And now for a brief weather check and back to the afghan. The entire sordid thing makes me ill. And then there’s Tuesday: supposed to rain. I’ve got to get to Bedford in the morning. Oh, I just don’t know, I just don’t know. – 22.41 OK! The afghan is close to finished! Its only been about 4 years? Well… at least I’ll have it when the temperatures drop. All I nee to do is finish a couple of rows of the red, add the gold and finish the thing off. I worked ALL day on it! ALL day. Good thing there’s no food in the place so I didn’t have to take a break for dinner/meal. Well, I did though. I finished the rice cereal with creamer. Not much. But it curbed the hunger. That, and a couple spoons of peanut butter. That’s that for the day. – Worked a lot whilst watching “QI” too. That show brings back so many wonderful memories of Richford. I wish I could get back there. – Ever so restless tonight. I do NOT want to go to that post office tomorrow! It’s miserable: I wanted that job so badly and now it’s turned into a horror. But, at least I’m with-in the rules, and the Gates’ nonsense is brought to the attention of whom-ever. And… should there be further troubles, I’ll simply let them know. Hopefully, the job will hold long enough to get a car and get the fuck out of here. – That’ said, tea has been done, last smoke as well. Time to quick-check the socmed and then? To … what-ever will be tonight. I’ve not showered all day… not since yesterday. But, I’ve not done anything to warrant one until tomorrow morning. And tomorrow, I want to get up and get a bit more done on the afghan before marching into Hell.

Mon.6.Oct: 5.51 And another day of nausea… just at the thought of having to go into that Hell-hole. I NEED to STOP allowing this to get to me in this way. The HATE… but not against the job. I NEED to get the fuck away from this town… no matter what. – 22.01 The clouds are rolling in. Just up fro m the last smoke and the clouds are rolling in. Tomorrow’s forecast: rain… during the day. Of course. Like everything else in my bloody-fucking life, this too, something that I’ve looked forward to for most of my life-time, I need to suffer for. Just like everything else. – It was a horrid day… just absolutely horrid. The mail volume was enormous, heavy, large boxes. The little foyer was packed! Of course, I got through it all, in spite of having to work the window and all. And I’d gotten the 2 “Customer Service” issues done and away. I was rather thrilled about that. BUT… Linda Hartman-Barnum (Liddie Barnhole) came in, round about 9.30 and bitched about the mail still being sorted. So, I got on the phone, rang Cindy and told her that I’d cleared the previous complaints BUT that she should expect another. Well, I worked through quite a bit of the “break”… just over an hour… and went to the market to blow 20$ on shit. 2 tins of soup though, and cottage cheese with sour cream for lunch (and a chocolate milk… dairy dairy dairy. (I had a tin of soup for “dinner” to give more calories for tomorrow.) – After the break, things rather went to normal… and “normal” indeed: Sure as shit: another bitch from Linda! I referred it to Cindy for action. I’m tired of this shit. I rang her (Cindy) to tell her of the complaint and her response: “Somebody needs to tell her (Linda) that the ‘up time’ is at 11.00.” as if nobody’s ever thought of that. Well, at least the previous “preferential service” has now been brought out. It’s recorded on the web-site. Let them deal with that now. – I did, how-ever, manage to bring the drawer count to zero difference. My stock is LOW, but I’m not going to worry about that. AND… I got out of there ON TIME! It took a LOT of energy and doing, but ALL of the work got DONE! – When I got in to the house this evening, Dixie was THRILLED to see me. I changed my clothes and she and I went out for a game of Frizbee! The poor thing is now sore under her neck. Honestly… these people in this house: WANT the pets but NONE of the responsibility. If I knew how much the vet would want, I’d do a “CorwdFunder”. Of course that’d flop. The only people I have any contact with are so self-absorbed. And their only use for the socmed is self-promotion and self-validation… the “poor me” bull-shit they post. – But… after the Frizzzz, I came up to eat and to put on a “QI” and got right back to the afghan. I’ve one row of the red to finish. It’s not going quickly, but it’s moving closer to “done”. – The 2 idiots (Bobo and Jester) were in bed (separate, thankfully) by 20.30 or so. .Honsstly, Jester does nothing all day but MUST be in bed at the same hour as Bobo. Dumb-arses.. the lot of them. Her ladyshit has passed the evening in the parlour, of course. Tonight was “Sleepy Hollow”… I wasn’t invited to watch so I didn’t. But the work on the afghan makes that quite OK. – On a strange note: The Christmas cactus from Richford is BLOOMING! I have to get a photo of it to post here. – I’m tired tonight but will try to post this to the blog/journal just to get it off this lap-top. – Tomorrow? It will be miserable. I’ve no doubt. – Oh… day 360? Bloody-fucking 9 December! I have MONTHS of this bullshit to go! I WANT so much to be DEAD!

Tue.7.Oct:
5.54 And… I’m awake, nervous because I have an actual time that I need to be in Bedford this morning. Ah…. I should be excited about this. I should be thrilled. I am, in a sense. And I’m nervous and anxious and all the rest of the “normal” bits that are “me”. – It’s not bitter cold this morning. A plus. I actually saw a several stars in the sky, through the clouds. Clouds. Hmmm…. But the rains are due by about 7.00. And I have to be out of here by about 8.30. Yes, 8.30 and I’m awake already. I could use some more sleep. But no… I don’t dare. I have to be in the shower by… 8.00? Oh, please, that it doesn’t rain until I GET there. That would be so very nice. – Well then, another day commences. Indeed. – 7.17 INCREDIBLE! JUST INCREDIBLE! THE VERY HOURS THAT I’LL BE ON THE ROAD… AGAIN! AGAIN!! AGAIN!!! THOSE ARE THE HOURS WHEN IT’S EXPECTED TO RAIN!!! BUT… FOR THE RETURN? NOPE… FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK AND FUCK! – (Well… I got nothing done all day today… and am putting the rest of the notes for today in on Wednesday. – (on Fri.) Well… it rained all morning… but.. the rains stopped and the skies cleared… AT 11.00! Fuck fuck fuck me! The hour I should have been THERE… and THAT’S when the weather clears. It’s really a constant reminder of how hated I truly am… not just by people, but by Creation as well. – There’s a voice-mail from the banque. Yes, they phoned. No, I don’t have the heart nor the guts to listen to it. – For the rest of the day, I settled into the room and worked on the afghan. Thankfully I have that to distract me to a point. Working on it is “productive”, and necessary… the cold weather will be here soon and I’ll NEED that blanket in this walk-in cooler!!! – This after-noon I broke down though… went into the 5’s and took a stroll over to Cecil’s for pumpkins. Hey! The decorating of the yard does me good: it cheers me a bit, occupies time, it’s “productive” (fuck me), and it puts a bit of pleasure in the lives of others. When I got to Cecil’s, Jackie answered the door. She wanted me to take the 3 pumpkins. I insisted on paying and she stood firm at 3/10. Well, fine. I got the 3, Jackie and I chatted a bit and I toddled back to the house where I’ve put the pumpkins into sap buckets with some cut dried weeds from the back yard. They look rather nice indeed. . And, I had Dixie with me when I went down back so she too, is happy today! I love having here there. I just wish it didn’t have to be on the lead. Still, she had a frolic and that makes me quite happy. When all the decorating shit was done… she even got a bit of Frizbee in today! Talk about “frolic”! YAY DIXEROO! – And-then… for most of the day, I’ve been sick to my stomach. The anxieties of general existence… non-stop, ever-present… little by little it’s eating me alive, and these days, I think that’s more “literal” than figurative. I can “feel” it happening. But, for today’s “meal”, I had the cheese curds on the frank rolls, just to put something into this old body. It didn’t help much, but… i do only what’s necessary and no more. – Tonight, at about 21.00, I was invited to sit and watch the missed episode of Sleepy Hollow. L. had recorded it on the DVR and yes, we sat, and watched. Then, watched an episode of Gotham as well. A VERY late night indeed! MUCH later than I’d like, MUCH later than I’d expected, but at least I did my “social duty”… it’s really not much more than “duty”. Still… it was done. – Finally closed the day at about mid-night… needing a shower still and too fucking tired to be bothered. – Another day over, another day in the “past” and another day closer to getting the jolly bloody fuck out of this existence. The latter being the most important. Done.

Wed.8.Oct:
7.34 Trash out. Slept through the alarm. Another raining morning. But today, the sky is clearing, which would have been fine yesterday! I guess it’s not supposed to be for some reason. I’ll have to ponder. – Meanwhile, Kevin Lothian’s truck (Swanton Boat) is parked across the road. If I only had a missile launcher. – (It’s 24.58 as I get along with today and…. tomorrow as well) This day is done, and I’m thankful for that. I didn’t “do” much other than to work on the afghan (as noted… it’s “DONE”… not “FINISHED”… but “DONE”!) It was another dreary sort of day with rain on and off through. So? Thankfully, I had nothing to do and no-where to go to, so I just worked on the afghan, in the room, alone. Yes, there was the occasional run-in with Jester, but I’ve not been in much of a mood to listen to that shit, so those were brief an quite accidental. – I managed to take a break round about 14.00 or so and HOOVERED THIS ROOM! AT LAST! Nothing “major”, but enough to clean the fucking floor (and the lap-top key-board). It felt better being clean again. – Then, this afternoon, round about 15.00, I went out the door and over to the PO where, as I walked in, Rachel was just finishing leaving me a “voice mail” message. Seems one of the parcels that I’d fudged as delivered on Monday, never made it to where it was supposed to be. I’m not sure which or how, but quite honestly, i don’t give a shit. Anyway, she’d been busy all day, cleaning the office and “decorating”. She’d found Autumnal silk leaves and such and decorated. Fuck that! She’d already given me more stock and asked what else I needed so… I went to the computer and printed… MY BALANCE SHEET… at ZERO difference! We discussed the Telephone Company bull-shit a bit. I told her that it’s been on-going since the day I started. She told me that she told Linda Hartman that the mail is not due until 11.00. BUT… she recommended that I actually do something to keep the bitch off my back: sort as much as I get and just toss it into the box. I shall… at my own convenience of course. And, I shall, when the opportunity presents (in December), report the whole fucking mess to D.C. and have done with it. – Well, it was about 15.50 when I was getting ready to leave and there was a torrential down-pour!!! The COLD weather is coming in. I bolted toward the house, planning on getting SOMETHING TO EAT because there was nothing in the room save a few frank rolls and a tin of soup and I WAS SO BLOODY-FUCKING HUNGRY!!! TRULY HUNGRY!!! ALMOST TO TEARS HUNGRY! BUT… as Fate would have it… indeed, my curse called “life”, as I got to the house, Bobo was sitting in the car in the yard, waiting for the rain to subside!!! So… I bolted directly for the house and came to the room where I got to the tin of soup with about 3 rolls. NOT at all very happy at all. But I NEEDED to EAT! and so I did… and went directly back to the afghan… in a sour mood, but thankfully had the afghan to work with. – It must have been round about 19.00 when I decided that I would make the attempt to hit the store for PopTarts at the very least. I can put 4 of them into the pockets of the camo trousers and so, I stepped out as if to have a smoke and went directly to the market. Michelle was on. I got my PopTarts and 4 little “Charleston Chews” and Michelle and I chatted and laughed. Ah… we talked about the house here and her ladyshit. WELL! It seems her ladyshit was in the habit of posting quite provocative photos on the fessebook and Michelle had seen them! She had to block the shit! She told me that she has no trouble with Bobo and Lylette’s marriage thing, but her ladyshit is just “too out there” for the village, Bobo is “OK”, and as for Jester… SHE said that folks dread that one because of the constant “pitiful” act! It’s not a “Gay” issue. It’s not just something “general’. They’re not liked because of their personalities… or absence there-of. Oh, how I DO manage to learn things of late. Anyway, I left Michelle laughing so that was good. – I came back to the room and back to the afghan, taking a brief break to check the socmed. A few comments on the fessebook was all. I responded and made short order of it tonight. Checked the Skype… still no word from Viv. Probably avoiding me so as not to “mistakenly” offering a lift for the holiday week-end. Oh well… I left no message for her either. – Tonight, at about 22.00, I put the crochet works to the side and, AT LONG LAST… SHOWERED! Used soap instead of the wash and put noting on after (creams, deodorant and such). Just “me” tonight. Let “me” breathe a bit. Oh, and of course, tonight, the rest of the house was in bed as I went to the shower. Fuktardz… the lot of them. – Shower over, back to the afghan until almost 23.00 or a bit later when I went out for a smoke and, coming back up to the room, on the stairs, I thought I’d stepped ON something… Dixie’s toy… BUT… WHEN I GOT INTO THE ROOM…. DOG SHIT!!!!! DOG SHIT!!!!! A CLUMP OF IT ON THE BOOTOM OF MY FLIP-FLOP!!! THE SECOND TIME IN AS MANY DAYS!!!!! BUT THIS TIME, THIS WAS ON THE STAIRS! Nobody let the dogs out to shit? FUCK FUCK FUCK THE WHOLE LOT OF THEM! Well! I wrapped the flip-flops in plastic bags because of the stench, and went back to work on the afghan, thinking I’d go down-stairs when I’d done with the afghan, and wash the flip-flops. – WELL THEN… YES!!!!! BY ABOUT MID-NIGHT OR SO… DONE, DONE, DONE, DONE!!! SO… I went down-stairs to wash the flip-flops and there’s parked her ladyshit… in the parlour, TV on and so too, the iPhone. When I mentioned the dog shit, the reply was “Out-side or in?” (where I stepped in it). I said I didn’t know (hopefully madame will find it… the very way I did!). But the general take on the matter was… “Oh dear…” FUKTARDZ ROYALE! NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE ANIMALS… to the point where they’re shitting on the stairs! I just SO NEED to get the actual fuck out of here. – So… I washed the flip-flops in the sink down-stairs, went out for a smoke and brought the flop-flops up to the room where they’re “drying” on the window sill. – NEXT: REMOVED THE EXTRA THREADS ON THE AFGHAN… and there we have today… On to tomorrow….

Thu.9.Oct: 0.58

***** SITTING ON THE BED…. UNDER THE AFGHAN!!! THE AFGHAN THAT WAS STARTED IN ROCKAWAY, AS A SIMPLE, QUICK-FIX AGAINST THE COLD THERE. IT’S RATHER “DONE” AT LAST! ALMOST 5 YEARS AFTER STARTING IT AND HAVING USED IT SEVERAL TIMES ALREADY… IT’S “DONE”… NOT “FINISHED” THOUGH. I WANT TO PUT A COUPLE OF ROWS OF BLACK, RED AND GOLD ON THE TOP. BUT… IT’S “DONE”! IT SURVIVED! THIS, AND THE FLIP FLOPS, A SHIRT AND A PAIR OF JEANS… AND THE “BATES” JACKET… NOT MUCH ELSE IS LEFT OF MY LIFE-TIME. BUT THIS AFGHAN… STARTED IN THE LITTLE ROOM IN ROCKAWAY, THE PLACE I CALLED “HOME” FOR A WHILE, HAVING GOTTEN MYSELF OUT OF THE HOMELESS SHELTER. And I’m SHOWERED, and the sheets on the bed are still clean. What a bloody-fucking shame it’s so fucking late! But… I’M UNDER THE AFGHAN AND IT’S “DONE”!!! – (And now to re-cap Wednesday…) – 1.37 I have to finish my tea but I’m exhausted! So, will have done with tea and then try for a nap. I’m slipping into those hypnogogic hallucinations at this hour. Time to call it quits. – AND… (on Friday, 10.Oct. at 7.45…) DONE, DONE, DONE, FINISHED, FINISHED, FINISHED, COMPLETED!!! ***** Aside from the lawn-mowing out front and the re-arranging and additions to the front decorations, and a quick stop to the market (for cottage cheese and sour cream… “dinner”) today, I confined me to the room and worked on this afghan until it was COMPLETE! AND IT IS COMPLETE! Took me until almost mid-night again, and my fingers show and feel it, but it’s done. Bitter-sweet, really. It’s the only vestige of Rockaway. In it are the memories of that little room in the old hotel. Barbara, the home care work… the Rock Park Hotel… the Homelessness and the fact that *I* removed me from the Shelter… *I* did it… alone! Not one person about to even so much as lend a hand. *I* got me back to work (at a fucking little job that paid shit for back-breaking work but…). *I* got me out and back on my feet… to the place where I actually enjoyed my time… for a brief while, but I was truly happy then and there. This afghan still has the open ocean, the sand, the music. It was a time when I could prepare meals, eat properly, sketch… It has Tilden in it. The art, the music, the ocean breezes, the pounding waves, the Bakfort. It’s all there. It has delightful nights and wonderful mornings of walking the boards to and from work. It has Willie and the Q22 in it. It has the hours of enjoyment. It has the bitter-sweet moments of missing the wonderful guys met and with whom I share the Shelter. It has a wonderful period of time in it. And now, it has The North Country in it. Being back in The North Country, the heat of the brief Summer, the bitter cold of Winter. It has the nearness of HOME in it, it has 1175km of time and space and the Earth in it. This little afghan has travelled, with me. And that too, is in it. It has the reminder of what happened to the previous two afghans. Gone now, probably being enjoyed by some strangers some-where else on the Earth. Stolen from me by those whom I have been stupid enough to “trust”. This afghan, each and every cold Winter night, will remind me…NEVER TRUST AGAIN! And I will sleep under it, protected and comforted by it, with the beautiful memories of my own successes, my own tribulations, and my own stupidity in that I trusted. And in the morning, I’ll wake from a night of sleep, to be reminded that *I* made it… to the North Country, with-out the help of any-one else; that I did it alone, and that I have to continue just that way, for the duration because, when the time comes and there is a true need for help, there truly is no-one who will be here. There wasn’t, there isn’t, and there never will be. And one day, soon, I hope, this afghan of memories will comfort me, under a night sky full of stars, and together, with our memories, we’ll remember nothing more.

Fri.10.Oct: 7.45 There’s a load of wash in. I woke under the afghan this morning. Last night, I put the bed-warmer on. My feet were so cold already. But the temperatures dropped to 2°, or so it was forecast. I woke this morning, under the finished afghan, showered and clean. I woke this morning at the 7.00 alarm. I didn’t get to sleep until almost 0.30 this morning. But I slept, under the 5-year afghan… the *I* made. – Nothing really on the agenda today. It’s “pay-day” but for only 8 hours so I’m in no hurry to run, go fetch. I want to get the wash done and perhaps do a bit of painting. There’s really nothing much else. The room needs a bit of attention. I don’t need smokes for another 10 days. I’ll have to get to Hannaford’s at some point or another. Most likely, Enosburgh. i haven’t been there in a while. I’m almost out of coffee again. Imagine, that’s the only reason I have for having to go there. Ah well. – The holiday week-end is here… no word from Viv all week. No reply to my message about a lift to HOME. But it’s just as well, I suppose. I have to be at work on Wednesday morning and I sense the “inconvenience” of having to bring me back here from HOME. Imagine: I still remember driving from 232nd Street up to Nwbg to fetch Linda Colandrea, to bring her to NYC to be on Times Square for New Year’s Eve. I remember driving WpngrsFalls to Mtl to fetch a jacket for Mack. I remember “doing” a lot for others… And I also remember having precious little “done” for me. – Well? It’s just another day. There are things to do to fill the time… Time… until it’s “time” to go back to sleep again. Honestly, it’s just so much bull-shit… “time”. – 8.34 and th wash is in the dryer. The sun is shining and the temperatures are chilled and her ladyshit is awake and grazing. …joy… – 19.29 I should be happier than all shit right now. I got the Sheldon Creek office! 5 days, 4 hours together! I should be tickled out of my mind! I have no car! I have no foreseeable car! And the first words out of her ladyshit’s mouth at the news? “You need to tell them that you have no car and no way to get there.” May the kindness be re-paid… promptly… 1000 times. – And I’m cold! It’s cold in this room! AND… Bobo moved the ferrets into the hall and guess where the stench settles… Yup. Right out-side my door! AND… it crawls into the room. The stench! THIS is WORSE than being in the Shelter! WORSE! Indeed. – There’s money in the CU account that I want to get at but won’t be able to until Tuesday which is when I have to get to the Highgate office to get the keys to the Creek. I work in Fuklin on Wednesday, then Thursday and Friday at the Creek, Saturday at Fuklin and the following week… the whole week… Thankfully the hours are 12.30-16.30 but even that doesn’t give me any time to get to Enosburgh for groceries or to St.Allbeans for cash. I’m SO fucked! But… I’ve got a 6-day job so… – Imagine, being able to sit about waiting for money to be deposited into one’s account… not even having to get up to go to the post box! AND… to be so miserably fucking obtuse as to make a comment the likes of that! Imagine. – If nothing else this is another “lesson” on what I WILL NEVER BE! (Oh… the following comment was: “You’d be better off going on Welfare.” OH… when the opportunity presents… and it will. – 22.00 The temp. in the room is 18° and feels like minus 18 already! The hall out-side the door is actually thick with the stench of the ferrets (they’re adorable little creatures but the rumours about the stench is so true!). It comes into the room round the door! I’m fresh out of Febreeze too so there’s nothing left to kill the stench! This is getting worse here. And I can’t shake that shit about it being “inconvenient” for me to take the job! Not to mention that I mentioned it to Bobo and his first words “That sucks.” Oh… it’s SO inconvenient for THEM! As if THEY’RE going to do anything about it. Well, the moment will come when I will have my chance to voice and that’s what I’m going to say: *I* biked to E. Fairfield.. alone… and I will, if need be, WALK to Sheldon, if need be… and how interesting I find it that people who have nothing to do with the entire business are the ones who find it “inconvenient”. Imagine that. – Again, this place is a lesson in the very type of person I hope to NEVER become: Whining about everything, displeased, discontented… (and even now, the volume on the TV down-stairs has been turned up… honestly… Shelter life all over again). And especially the ones who sit, doing nothing, all day, and wait for the banque to post their incomes into their account (or, in the case of the other one, onto a little debit card)… paid for doing nothing but sit and bitch, day in, day out. And the recommendation that *I* should go on Welfare! It’s really quite intriguing, all told. To actually witness this shit. All the more reason to get the fuck out as quickly as possible. Cindy said the PO is re-newing the lease on the Creek. Maybe I’ll be able to take it for what-ever it’s worth. It won’t make life comfy, but it WILL be beneficial toward getting the fuck out of here. Now… if only for a car! – Must get to rest now… un-showered (but then, I didn’t do much of anything all day today), but UNDER THE AFGHAN!!! (with the heater on, of course). THAT is my solace… the afghan. I won’t be bitter freezing cold at night… sleep… to sleep the hours away… away… away.

Sat.11.Oct: 6.06 The room, the hall, the stench of ferret shit. The temp in the room is 17°. The Hell begins. – I’m tired. Slept quite well last night. It’s anxieties. I need to get away. I need to get back to where there’s no input or… where there’s positive input. – This room stinks! This house stinks! This situation stinks! – Oh well. Why should the good news of more hours and responsibility remain “good”. Eh? – (On Monday 7.01) Well OK then. Went to work this morning and there was tonnes of new stock waiting for me. The great news was that the safe was on the lock but I didn’t have to fuck with the combination so I just walked in and opened. But the stock… there was so much of it and I didn’t have time to count… not to mention, there was no “inventory sheet” to sign-off on! So I simply took it on trust and accepted. Had to get to all the paper-work whilst trying to sort the mail. Oddly enough, there was no “visit” from the tele-kunt today! Yet, I tossed her mail into the box early enough. (And the reports for “up time” were all early and on time. Fuck all… all of them.) – Gena got on my last nerve this morning with her taking mail from here and there and flats all over the place. Then she mentioned something about doing the 1st class first and such. “They usually do it…” and I told her that THEY do it their way, THEY don’t have to listen to the bullshit because THEY get the complaints and THEY don’t bother about them and THEY get to walk away form it all and THEY don’t do anything about it. “Who’s ‘they’?” she asked… I let it go and said nothing for the rest of the morning. Fuck THEY. – Then, Mme. B. came in for all of her parcels and I stopped the office to deliver. And Geo.S. came in (what a delight with his “high English”) and again, I stopped all for him as well. Favours? I shall do for HOME, and THEY can go eat shit. That’s my policy form here on in. – GS also bought a pumkin or so from Cecil and brought the 5er to me. I put it into Cecil’s PO box for him.- Well, as the day went along, I DID get all the reports done, all the paper-work AND had time to BALANCE MY 1412! The OFFICE count is off by 90 cents but I’m not going to be bothered about that shit. I have no cash in the drawer and a cheque that should have been deposited but wasn’t but truly? J’m’en câlisse! If that’s the way the office will run, so be it. – AFTER work is when the day twisted to interesting. I came back to the house and the Saab was gone. As I turned into the back yard, Jester was out at the wood-pile with a wheel barrow! He’d been asked (asked?) to remove the wood from their bed-room! AND to wash their bed linens! Ca ce peut tu!? He’d been hauling the wood (mostly the lathe) wrapped in a piece of carpet, down the stairs and through the house and out the door! FUCK ALL! I went into the barn, got the old tarp and ladder, climbed up the roof of the back porch, laid the tarp, went to the room, opened the window. We put the wood on the tarp and I went out, pulled it down to the yard, into the wheel barrow and out. I have a splinter in my middle finger, right hand now… rather painful. BUT… Jester and I got to talking. Seems he’s pissed. And, when I hear of the abuse!!!!! He’s aware of the abuse he’s getting. He resents being referred to as “Benson” the house servant, in front of John. He’s been putting ALL… and I repeat… ALL of his money and food into this dump! Paying THEIR phone bill, and TV and such! AND then there’s the cooking and other “chores” that her ladyshit refuses to do. On top of which, the entire business about the 2nd car and the fact that her ladyshit won’t bring him to MD’s appointments. Ah HAHHHH!!!! So I planted seeds: How would this place look if we did nothing, the animosity between her ladyshit and Jester, the rather abusive situation caused by Bobo, what would happen if Social Services ever learnt that he’d been giving his benefits to the house, what would happen if he and I reported rents and such… oh, Karma came visiting today. And I know that eventually, these matters will come into their chatting… – I didn’t get to the things I wanted to do (painting NanciLynn’s landscape) but it was certainly worth the time. When this all comes out (and I know it will)… at least there will be the fact that they’re aware of the shit they’re in. OH… AND I LEARNT THAT PENNY HAS BEEN PAYING THEIR BILLS AND EPENSES! And, there’s a matter of… Jester gave them some money as usual and all was going well until Bobo came to him and said that they’d paid a bill and were over-drawn on their account. Jester had said that he’d 80 dollars to him-self and Bobo asked for 60! Well… Jester gave and Bobo went running out and bought a circular saw!!! Penny sends money to pay their bills and tells Jester that Daisy and the Grandmother have always bailed her ladyshit out of financial difficulties all along and told Jester not to do so! The money that Penny sent, with a note, specified that it was to pay their debts… they went shopping! SO THEN… as I told Jester in the yard: I used to feel quite badly for them and horrid about not being able to pay rent… I don’t any longer. – Jester made mention of giving Jester this room “when J. moves out.” and Jester said “Oh NO! I don’t want that room. It’s cold in there!” Imagine. And there’s nothing done to rectify the coldness of this room. So? Fuck them all. – Anyway, they came strolling in this evening from their jaunt in Plattsburgh… shopping and no doubt, frolicking with Dan and whom-so-ever over there, as I was at the front door. They walked in and past me, saying nothing. Classless in-bred faggots. Better that way, all told. But the seeds have been sown and there’s nothing to do but wait until the shit hits the fan… and it will… no doubt. – It was a rather wasted day other-wise. But as I say: the “chat” made it all worth the while. Indeed. – I HATE THIS PLACE!!! I HATE THIS TOWN!!! AND IT’S MAKING ME PHYISICALY ILL! – Today’s “meal” was peanut butter and choco frositng on roll that I’d gotten at the market! And… I need tea. Running low. There’s a trip into St.A. in the future and I’m not looking forward to that!

Sun.12.Oct:: 14.03 late day but thus far… quite incredible! – (Monday 7.28) WELL HELL AND CA CE PEUT TU? WHAT A DAY! I slept rather late today. I just did NOT want to wake up. It was warm under the blankets and cold in the room and well… I just didn’t want to be bothered waking. But.. I did, round about almost 10.00! Went to start on the painting of NanciLynn’s place and got involved with the socmed and fessebook. (No, there’s still been not even a blip from Viv… I wonder… ) I’d been rather up-front and such about the car, and posted photos of the afghan. I even posted a “Wish List” for yarn saying that I could crochet the warm clothes that I need. Well… out of no-where comes and offer from a woman in GERMANY… a “friend’ of NancyLynn… Angelica: she can offer 300 to help me get the car! Will send immediately via PyPl (I’ve closed that account just recently. I don’t even recall when I opened it, but it’s worthless to me anyway because they won’t direct deposit and they “need” too much bull-shit). BUT A TOTAL STRANGER IN GERMANY, OFFERING 300 TOWARD THE CAR? I WAS/AM/REMAIN AMAZED! I just don’t like accepting such an offer because, well, although yes, I do need and yes I can use, and yes, it does help… I don’t know this woman (and I’m a guy nobody knows save on fessebook) and it’s not a mere 50 or so. I thanked her as much as possible via the socmed and she continues to insist that she wants to send the money! She even offered to send it cash to NanciLynn to give to me in person! I’m not only brilliantly grateful, I’m also sceptic. But imagine… to be offered such generosity! What I did was to re-open a “GFM campaign”. I call it the “Paper Coffee Cup Campaign”… using the old coffee shop cup as the symbol with a complete blurb about getting me out of the Shelter with-out help and such. For some reason, doing it all that way seems a bit more legitimate. I don’t know. We shall see. – Well, that aside, the day went along too quickly and I got another day of nothing accomplished. I didn’t get to the velum sketch for the water-colour until LATE today. – Oh… the closet is one in the “mistresses’” boudoir. I must admit that it looks rather nice, indeed. I was actually invited to come have a look-see. Of course, I made the compliments… la-dee-dah. – OH! I was told that Penny has ordered and shipped Winter tyres for their Saab! Isn’t that delightful? Bobo says they’re coming USPS. I certainly hope they don’t arrive whilst I’m working…. not that there’s anything I can do about it, but I’m certainly NOT bringing them to the house and I doubt Gena will deliver them. So… they’ll have to go get them. It would be a sheer delight if they’d come whilst I’m working the Creek. Of course, I expect to be asked to fetch them… and considering the incident with the metal, being asked to haul more shit after 6 days of pedalling to E. Fairfiled… OH HELL NO! (Let’s not-to-mention that I’ll simply be posting that shit to the socmed… having reached the end of my tether… AND will be mentioning it about the village… ) Anyway… here we go again… What I don’t understand is why Penny is so protective of her ladyshit. I suspect there’s something terribly wrong in the “Smarts Dept.” here. It doesn’t make matters better, but it makes them very different. Meanwhile… go ahead… try to make my life miserable. You’re benefitting not only from the work I put into YOUR property, but the income from Jester, the fact that you’ve essentially trapped the poor fool here… and I can… CAN make things terrible for you… as I mentioned in the “chat” of yesterday and I KNOW will get back to you. – OK then. As for the day? WASTED some-how, but AMAZING!!!!! – A tin of soup and some frosting for “meal” today. – OH! The phone’s off! I seem to have been thinking that the extra I’d put on the phone was through the month of October but it doesn’t work that way? I don’t know. I’ll have to check the Journal and see what money should have been posted to what month. I’m growing forgetful. What the fuck? Who cares, really? Hopefully this is the beginning of my “Check-out” time! I’ll have to give some very serious thought to the particulars for this Winter. t would be a delight to get the fuck out this year. – Still no word form Viv. I wonder if it’s “not taking the moment” or if something terrible has gone on there. We shall see… I’ve sent only the emoticon tonight… the “sleeper”. No words, just that. Shit! If I can take the time so send… so can anybody else. It’s not like having to sit and write… as I say… 4 fux ache.

Mon.13.Oct: 6.56 Well… HAPPY THANKSGIVING I suppose. Stuck in Fuklin for the day. And the prospect of having to bike into St.A. today for coffee, food, and to pay the fucking phone. – But for now… I have to go back to Saturday and catch up. I’ve been lazy as all shit about this Journal. – 7.39 and the sun is JUST coming into the windows! Yes, the Winter is coming crashing down upon us… sun-rise at 7.39 in the morn, rather then 5 or 6.00! – The plants are looking quite well and the Christmas cactus is popping with flowers. I can’t help but wonder: are the blooms some kind of “message”? The orange tree is doing well and even the ivy has made a bit of a come-back. May this hold through the Winter.. may I get the jolly fuck out of and away from here before “Winter” settles in! – 7.54 caught up with the past couple of days, The sun is in the morning sky. I’ve had one coffee and smoke and will have another. The detail shop across the road is opening or, there are folks going in to work. I’m going for another smoke. The phone store opens at 10.00 so I’m in no particular rush. I HATE the thought of having to go today. There’s travel in the week to come. A day in Bedford included. I’ll have to figure how to get that all into a day… Tomorrow after-noon is Highgate, Wed. is Fuklin, Thurs-Fri. is the Creek, Sat. Fuklin again. I’ve smokes until Sun. Oh… we shall see. I also have to get to the CU! Perhaps tomorrow. I don’t really know. The bike from St.A. to Highgate is… I’ll have to check it. – Checked. The same as the route I took one day from Bedford to St.A. Oh well… let’s just hope for NO FUCKING RAIN! – 8.06 time for the 2nd smoke. – WHAT A DAY! JUST ALL TOO SIMPLY… WHAT A DAY! The weather was amazingly nice, warm again, sunny. The room stayed on the cold side, and I had to keep the black sweat-shirt on whilst in. But, for some reason, I felt like painting. So I took out the water-colours that I was given Christmas past, to try them out, and there were a few sheets of paper in a pad I’d gotten some-where. The photo from NanciLynn’s post to fessebook looked inspiring so I got at it this morning… and worked on it ALL through the day. It turned-out “not so bad”. The paints are MUCH different to work with than the more expensive that I have in the box, but, it was actually quite wonderful to work with water-colours again and I enjoyed it. Well, by about 19.00 or so, I’d finally finished the piece and went to post it to fessebook, to “exhibit” when I found a message from NanciL. referring me to the “PaperCoffeeCupCampaign” on GFM. So I popped over to there on-line to find….

HOLY HOLY OH MY GOD! I just couldn’t believe it! JUST COULDN’T BELIEVE IT! SHE AND ANGELA HAD POSTED TO IT! AND NOT THE 10 OR 20 THAT I MIGHT HAVE EXPECTED! IT’S THE MATTER AND ISSUE OF “TRUST”! TO BE SO TRUSTED BY COMPLETE STRANGERS! AND, AT A TIME WHEN IT MEANS SO VERY MUCH TO ME! I WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO SIMPLY KNOCK THE GFM ACCOUNT OUT TODAY, EXPECTING WHAT FOR ME, FOR MY EXISTENCE, WOULD HAVE BEEN “NORMAL” (nothing at all). I WENT ALMOST NUMB! MOSTLY BECAUSE OF DISBELIEF! I MEAN… TO DO THE PAINTING OF/FOR SOME-OE ELSE AND THEN THIS? The most difficult part is to thank somebody. I just didn’t have the words that I needed. This is one of those times when the simple gesture of “Thank You” doesn’t suffice, really. Then too, I’m SO NOT ACCUSTOMED to ANYBODY giving a helping hand for ANYTHING and as the years have passed, I’ve gotten to the point where the kindnesses seem almost “earned”. Yes, I’ve worked, as always, to “earn” kindness. It doesn’t simply come along for me. Never has. But the truth and fact of this are: My “goal” was 1000 and I’m still not at that. Probably won’t make it… just as I didn’t make the previous. No, HEAVEN FORBID! it should be too easy and more… FORBID that it should be an “accomplished goal”. But I AM whole-heartedly thankful for the help that I have received. Truly. – When I finished the painting and posted the photo, the responses were from 3 people. Positive. Supportive. I know that it wasn’t my “best”. But it wasn’t meant to be at this point. Those responses were on fessebook. I went down for a smoke and “thanked” Mme. Lylette and Bobo for the paints and showed them the finished product. The response here was as would be expected. Bobo simply dismissed. Her ladyshit went into some binge about “We’ll have to keep an eye out for art supplies for you.” and the usual “having missed the calling” speech. If validation were needed… this place is a vast void. Thankfully, I understand the sources and I don’t give a shit. I merely showed simply out of being able to show what I’d done with my day. Period. – Got to watch Sleepy Hollow tonight and got into chit-chat after. That’s rather painful these days. And when I went out for my smoke before bed, he ladyshit came along for “a bowl”. There was an obvious desire to chat… I cut it short.. it was mid-night already, and I had a full day of travel ahead and a wonderful day to assimilate into my … what-ever.

Tue.14.Oct: 6.06 Awake and recapping yesterday here. – Feeling rather not-so-well for some reason. A bit on the “warm” side, really. Feverish. Not a good way to begin the day. – 7.42 This morning is running away from me. I just came up from a smoke and a dump. The chocolate frosting is coming through… and making a mess of me. And I have to get on the road. The CU is open until 17.00 but there’s supposed to be a South wind today meaning a difficult trip. There are things I need at the market so bringing that back will be difficult. I’m rather hungry, well, not so much hungry as mal-nourished. Oh well… just another typical day. – The splinter in my finger is pussy and swollen and sore. – Angela and NanciL. were on fessebook this morning and I got caught up in corresponding. Time… never enough of it. But… very soon now, I’ll hit the shower for a quick “freshening” and be off. Plan is to get to the PO first and then head out for the rest. It’s going to be a rather late day of it. But… better “late” than… – 9.50 HAIR CUT! BEARD TRIMMED! Stomach knotted. – 11.15 SHOWERED. Imagine that! All fresh… for a ride on the open road. And it’s HOT this morning. – Ggl tells me 38 minutes to get to the PO. Me? I know better. I’m NOT going to push me this morning. I can’t, actually. I haven’t got the strength this morning, nor do I have the excitement or energy. And I’m looking at the PO and then the horrid trip into St.A. NOT my “happy” moment, this. But… it must be done and it shall be done. Besides, I need to get the phone back up AND get some provisions from Hannaford’s today. There won’t be any days save Sunday, for this sort of thing for the next several weeks. Oh! How the fuck am I ever going to find the time to get a car/truck/anything? I don’t know. Well, one thing attended leaves 20 more to cause anxieties. And never let me be a moment with-out anxieties. –
***** 11.41 WELL! THAT ALL TURNED BACK TO NORMAL TODAY!
I logged onto the fessebook page and I get the message form “Angela” (in Germany!) that NanciL’s boyfiriend is a jealous cop who learnt that I did the painting and resented it and that she helped me with the GFM. Simultaneously, I received a message from NL that “my joe left me”. (Oddly… his name is… Joe… Viv?) Angela tells me to make my account for “Friends Only” so that nobody can see the messages that transpired between myself and NL that were posted as “Public”! I have to change my account because of this shit? OK then…. NO! This shit is just too much, too deep and truly none of my business… again… It’s quite the same as the situation with Viv that knocked us out of communication for all those years. I just don’t understand people… STUPID beyond desription! Well… what I did was… re-establish the Haddie and simply changed the images on the banner and “profile” on MY account to “Closed” and “Departed” in 7 languages. I’ll leave the account fallow for a bit and then return to it. I have no idea what that will do to my correspondents and correspondences, but I’m really fed up with this shit. I thought of contacting GFM and tell them to reverse the transactions, but the more I thought about it during the day, the more I thought… I WILL NOT! FUCK IT! FUCK THEM! FUCK THIS SHIT! I’m too close to something that I need TOO much here. – SO… (as I’m typing this… ) a call up the stairs from her ladyshit: they’re leaving the house and would I please ensure that the doors are locked when I leave? Fucking nerve! Fucking audacity! KNOWING that I need to get to Highgate in a while, and not so much as an offer of a lift? Fucking selfish bull-shit! Seriously? Well… I’ve no idea where they’re going or why, but let them go… fucktards. – So I get to look forward to a quick shower, get dressed and battle a South wind… as I travel South from here to Highgate and then to St.Allbeans! OH! I am just SO happy about this… NOT! – Welll? We’re back to “normal” and I’m feeling like total SHIT! FUCK ME ALWAYS! JUST ALL TOO SIMPLY FUCK ME ANY WAY AND ANY TIME POSSIBLE. Maybe today I’ll get lucky and be run down by a truck That would be nice. I’d appreciate that. – 22.44 FUUuuuuuuk! Hot! WINDY! and still 22° out there! This is amazing and disgusting at the same time. I fear what’s to come (although the weather forecast is for torrents on Thursday… when I have to bike into The Creek. Good… my “life” is back on course… I should shove a stick of butter up my arse-hole… to lube it a bit… make the fucking a bit easier for the world.) – I’m in bed… SHOWERED!!! As for the details of this day: I was out the door by noon and on the road! Head-winds all the way! And the stretch beyond the Durkee Rd… OPEN! BLAM! ALL THE WAY… HEAD-WINDS! BUT… amazingly, at 12.50 I was in front of the post office! Ggl said 38 minutes… I KNEW it would take longer… OK, especially with the head-winds, but… none-the-less. So I stopped at the little store for a Coke and 2 “Zero” bars. I was HUNGRY, not for sugar, but that was all I could afford at the moment. (And I guess, considering the rest of the day, it did the trick alright.) WHAT PISSED ME OFF MORE WAS: I WALK IN AND CINDY TELLS ME THAT RACHEL TOLD HER THAT I DIDN’T LOCK THE SAFE ON SATURDAY! REALLY? INDEED I DID! BUT WHEN I MENTIONE THAT RACHEL TOO, HAD LEFT THE SAFE UNLOCKED ON FRIDAY NIGHT? OH, WELL… THAT SLID RIGHT BY. I know what I’m dealing with here… but… Cindy was quite supportive about me taking the office at The Creek. “You’ll like it. It’s quiet. It’s small. I think it’s a good match for you especially so you can learn to run and office of your own.” With that, I took off out of there with thanks for the trust and support and was on my way to… MORE HEAD-WINDS! How strange: the first (and last) time I’d made that same trip, it was in head-winds. And today’s weren’t much easier. But… I’d left Highgate at approx, 13.20 and when I checked the time at the CU? 14.38!!!! Pretty fucking GOOD! in spite of the wind! – There’s a FELLOW at the CU now… I think he’s some kind of Indian or something. I don’t know but I’m beginning to think the CU is pulling in the illegals at this point. He spoke English very well. But… with the idiots in this state, I wouldn’t put it past the CU to hire illegals and refugees and the likes. They won’t give me a debit card, but they’ll toss this stuff behind the counter with a salary. Honestly… I’m disgusted. – NEXT… across the road to the ATT. Well! I put the extra 5$ onto the phone giving me about 8$ to make long-distance calls now and as I got the receipt from the kiosk… a little “chime” told me that the funds got posted and I was back on the air. How lovely. – When I left there, I was in no particular hurry so I browsed the dollar store and bought NOTHING! Then over to Hannaford’s for coffeex2, creamer, teas, Ramenx8, PopTarts and a package of franks. No beverage this trip though, nor anything to eat along the trip back. Must conserve what little is left for food in the coming weeks. – OH! AS I CAME OUT OF HANNAFORD’S, THAT SPLINTER IN MY FINGER WAS SO PAINFUL THAT I SIMPLY HAD AT IT, SQUEEZING WITH ALL MY STRENGTH AND… BANG-SPLAT! THE SPLINTER CAME ROCKETING OUT!!! IT WAS QUITE LARGE TOO! BUT, IT’S GONE AT LAST! And again, the unconventional method and no medical intervention… fuck me very much you’re welcome. – Well then… I took the Durkee back toward the house, thinking that I could avoid “running into” Bobo on the road. They’ve just re-graveleed the old dirt road and so, it was dusty and bumpy. I took my time, not only because of the road conditions but because I was already breaking into sweats. – The ride went fairly well, save the fucking shit-spreader along Brown’s Corners Rd! Honestly? I’m am completely convinced that these people have a scat fetish. In fact, I shouldn’t doubt that the reason this is the second least populated state is because the men are probably “giving it to the women right up the olde… etc.”. Shit in the air and all over the place. Shit-state! But I dodged the wind-blown whisps… barely, but I did… and continued along the road. – When I got to the house at… 16.30!!!!! YAY ME! Both cars were gone but Jester was in.. alone. I came in and started chatting a bit. Seems Bobo and the Mrs. went on some kind of job-sponsored (Bobo’s of course) “cruise” on the Champlain. How charming… ppffttttt. – Anyway, we got chatting a bit and I was so out of sorts I asked him if I could “buy” a drink form him (from the stock on the kitchen floor). He said “You don’t have to buy a drink… help yourself.” and I did… 2 fingers vodka with a splash of Pepsi. (I must say, it was quite nice and it helped the nerves and muscles considerably.) (And, after our last chat, it was nice to chat again with Jester… or… as these fucktardbitches referred to him as: Benson. May they rot… soon.) We had a wonderful evening… and I got to WASH MY CLOTHES! YAY! AND SHOWER! YAY! HEY! And tonight, for “meal” I had Ramen with American cheese (which I “borrowed” from the fridge… fuck the rest of them). Rather a nice change. Then, I was still hungry so I gobbled 2 of the franks, cold, as well. FOOD!(ish). – Well, for a bit of time, I worked with the fessebook page, posting the new images and re-establishing Haddie which I will use from now on. I’ve got everybody essentially blocked and others won’t know it’s me anyway. – It was about 20.45 when the idiotclowns came in. We chatted a bit about the cruise and such and I came up to the room to have my tea and PopTarts before crashing. – Tomorrow? Fuklin PO! May I die before.

Wed.15.Oct: 19.33 (OH SHIT! the time the year!) (20.24 Went for a smoke and to watch a bit of TV in the kitchen… Meanwhile… back at today’s bull-shit…)It was a day at the Fuklin PO and I have to say right off: the moment I walked into the office the very first thought in my head was “FUCK!” There was a total mess… papers on the desk, mail in the cubby, mail on the safe, parcels strewn about, it was a total fuck-up! It took me a bit to get the safe opened but I managed, thankfully. I arrived at about 7.20… Ms. Gena, however, didn’t arrive until about 7.40. I didn’t have the radio going. I hardly spoke. I’ve nothing to say to her because I now know that shit flies out the windows of that office and I’ll have none of that. I wanted so much to ring Cindy to tell her about the conditions but I didn’t bother. My time will present itself soon enough, I’m certain. But now I dread covering that office on Saturdays. She’s (Rachel) a total MESS! – I managed to get a drawer count in though. 39 cents short but I managed to fix the sheet and will cover on Saturday, no trouble. Still, the Main Stock is off by 90 cents on the paper-work and nothing’s been done to rectify that! So? So… I managed to work around all the shit all over the place, got all MY mail done… “early” as usual on the reports. AND… I got ALL of my reports and paper-work done this evening by… EXACTLY 16.30! leaving Gena to deal with her own stuff. – And I locked the safe (and even put a piece of tape over the door in the corner… which I will be oh so humbly sorry about when it’s brought to my attention… tough shit. I was accidental…) I managed to come back to the house at “break”, muck about with the fessebook shit and grab a 30-minute nap. Something about that office just drains the life energy out of me. – This evening, I snuck over to the market for ice-cream which I brought back to the room and ate. – Meal was 2 franks in the Ramen. That, the ice cream, the PopTarts before bed… I need the calories. And tomorrow morning I’ll be able to get to the store for something again… and tomorrow I’m afraid I’ll need it because the forecast is for DELUGE!!! How charming is THAT? Walking up Rice Hill in a down-pour! How lovely! I want to puke! First day, new office… Hopefully Dianna will be as sweet in person as she’s been on the phone. – A thought came to mind this evening: I wonder if the house is aware of the GFM drive. There’s really no way to keep it quiet and secret. I just wonder. I don’t give a shit, but I wonder, – I popped a brief e-mail off to Viv at the job this evening. I’m wondering what the fux going on these days. But some-how I expect a “so tired” lah-dee-dah to come of it. – It’s 20.36 and FINALLY time where I CAN call this day “done”. I’ve been SO wanting to just lie down and go to sleep but knowing that if I did so too early, I’d be up and wide awake at some ridiculous hour of the morning. And I have to be on the road at about 11.00 tomorrow… in the rain. So… But as I say, I’ve been SO SO tired all day. (But when I came in from work, I changed my clothes and took Ms. Dixie out for a game of Frizbee. I took shots of the roses… ROSES BLOOMING and played with her meanwhile. Sweet-heart. She’s my little heart, and I do believe she knows it.) –

Thu.16.Oct: 6.42 “We need the rain. The rivers and streams are nothing but rock.” they said. “The water level in the lake is so low that there’s nothing but mud in many areas.” they said. Today’s my first day on a job that I’ve waited YEARS to have, I have no way to get there, save bike or foot, and today? ALL of the rain that “they” said we need is falling from the skies. How charming. How wonderful. How typically my Fate. Just how. – And there’s a bloody FLY buzzing about my head again this morning! I turn on the little light over the bed and… BZZZZZZZZ! Fuck! FLIES! IN the room! Fuck. – 22° with a humidex of 28° today… and “faible pluie”. “Faible”? Then 9° and 8° for next week. Ah… Fate. – A check of the weather map shows a direct Southerly current flow of the rains, bringing them all straight up North… in a delightful line. NOT a Westerly wind that would knock the rain to the East and away. OH NO! Direct line South to North… breaking up at about… NOON! Meaning, I’ll be IN the rain EN ROUTE, and it’ll break WHEN I arrive! This shit is too much to believe! SO many mornings going to E. Fairfiled! The very same shit! Rain all the way TO, and when I ARRIVE… THAT’S when it breaks! There truly IS something terribly, TERRIBLY WRONG with this. And I no longer believe in “Chance” nor “Coincidence”. This shit is just too, en point! Just TOO! – Life… is a curse. All too simply… a curse. – Yesterday’s browse for cars turned up several… MOST of them in the Southern part of the state, in towns that I have NO way of getting to. Quite honestly, I COULD have had a vehicle this morning, if I’d had a way to get to the thing. “Coincidence”? No, I think NOT! I am the reincarnation of some-one in HELL! – Just looking at the up-date on the weather map: what was supposed to break up over night is now pulling MORE moisture as it travels North-ward. Yup… A general “Fuck Me” sort of day. Typical… just so typical. – And as for the NOAA?
TODAY: Rain. The rain could be heavy at times. High near 23. Southeast wind 10 to 18 km/h, with gusts as high as 34 km/h. Chance of precipitation is 90%. New precipitation amounts between 7.5 mm and 1 cm possible.
TONIGHT:Rain. The rain could be heavy at times. Low around 14. Southeast wind 6 to 11 km/h becoming light south after midnight. Chance of precipitation is 80%. New precipitation amounts between 7.5 mm and 1 cm possible.
FRIDAY: A 30 percent chance of showers, mainly between 10am and 3pm. Cloudy, with a high near 17. Southwest wind 8 to 16 km/h. New precipitation amounts between 2.5 and 5 mm possible.
FRIDAY NIGHT: Cloudy, with a low around 10. Southwest wind 8 to 10 km/h.
I just took that directly from the site. – The satellite shows some bloody hurricane just off Florida, doing little pin-wheels in the Atlantic. Summer weather… in October. Oh, again… a “Fuck Me” sort of day. – 8.25 There are obstacles in our way…. ALWAYS! Just up from a smoke… in the drizzle.. in the rain. Had to use the loo and when I got to the one up-stairs… her ladyshit on the bowl. So I went down-stairs… NO LIGHT! The pull-chain has been removed. I sat on the bowl… THEY PEE ON THE SEAT! This is, I can say in all sincerity, “worse” than the Shelter. In the dark, on a piss-covered toilet seat. Yup, worse. The mentality and class of this house-hold is just so low that it’s bordering on the literal incredible. – There are obstacles… it’s not going to be a “good” day. And it hasn’t even truly begun yet. It can only get worse from here. – 2 hours from shower and out, and the rain is steadily falling. There’s a walk up the hills coming. And no way to actually gain any time and speed on the wet roads. I will be a mess when I get to work today… a mess. AND, I get to work WITH some-one else today (and tomorrow, which will be wet as well). How joyful, this thing called “life”. FUCK! – 22.33 Finally showered and in bed with tea and now time to recount the day: Well. To begin, I was up at the normal hour but napped from about 9-9.30. It was raining this morning. But typical. I had to travel so it rained. – I showered at about 10.00 and was out the door and off the premises by about 10.50… in more rain! It rained… all the way to Sheldon, it rained, steadily, it rained! When I got into The Creek, the rain had let up and I stopped to ask some women who were decorating the basket-ball courts for the time. 11.50! WOAH! And hour! NOT BAD! So I stopped at the market for 2 ice creams and a coke and meandered up to the office to stand on the porch and wait for Diana. She arrived at about 12.30 and well indeed, I must say I LOVE THE OFFICE! Ever so small, and ever so old and ever so. And Diana? Reminds me SO MUCH of Birdie! WONDERFUL WOMAN! And from the “Old School” of post offices so we got along great. (In spite of the fact that I was drenched with sweat from the rain-suit and the bike ride in the rain.) – We got to talking about the bike riding and the Durkee Rd. She said that she was in her yard the other day and a guy came by on a bike. I said, “You said it was a nice day for a bike ride.” She said “Yes! And he said…” I added “It’s better now that the wind is behind me.” She smiled broadly. “I’ll be damned!” I said. “That was YOU!” She said that it was, that that’s where she lives AND SHE’S A DURKEE! Imagine that! – The day went on. We chatted about all sorts of things, especially comparing the ethics we have and those of the “young” people who don’t care much about much. She also didn’t know what her “status” is in the office now that I’m in there. But I told her that I hope I’m not taking her spot. She assured me that she retired from 38 years at the PO, she’d been through every phase of mail and came back as PMR for the customers… she likes the people part of it. The day went by so quickly! She’s amazing! Simply amazing! – We were out by about 17.00 and she offered to drive me, with the bike, back to the house. It wasn’t raining so I declined the offer saying that I was more curious about how long the ride back would be and so, we parted. – The ride back was cute: my little puppy-friend from the E. Fairfield days came out to greet me as he did before and I scolded to get back into the yard. I’m SO afraid of him getting hit by a car because they careen about like it’s the open high-way… fucktards, the lot of them. – The rest of the ride went truly well! I realised that it wasn’t so bad because I wasn’t travelling with a heavy back-pack from market, and I hadn’t travelled very far. I even pedalled ALL of the trip… ALL! Imagine that! – As the sky cleared, the sun reflected off the foliage and it gave the most magnificent glow to the very air! It was SUPER! (Such a shame to be coming into this shit-hole in such beauty.) – I stopped at the market for rolls, mustard and donuts and came into the house to find her ladyshit lounging on the sofa, Jester on the opposite and Bobo was… well, where-ever. I learnt that her ladyshit had slept all day, claiming not feeling well. Bobo appeared, kissed the cow and claimed not feeling well and went up to sleep… didn’t bother to say shit-all to me. Fuck them all. – I came up to have my Ramen, heated the franks with and had them on rolls… THREE OF THEM! – Logged into Skype and VIV was on this evening! It was brief but wonderful to see from her. She’s been, as I’ve been, very tired of late with all the bull-shit up there. Ah… how I do understand that. We chatted a bit. – Earlier though, Jester came out when I’d gone for a smoke with the dogs. He claimed that Bobo claimed that he took the route from work to the house via Sheldon to see if I needed a lift but Jester told him that I wasn’t even out of the building at that time. Then, says Jester, Bobo claims to not know where the post office is. Me? I say that Bobo’s a chronic liar no matter what. Quite the little bundle of bull-shit, plain and simple. – A quick stop at Haddie on fessbook this evening and a quick check of my account where Alex posted “WTF does that mean buddy?” with, I suppose, reference to the “Closed” images. I didn’t bother to comment. I just looked and closed. I’ve nothing to post there. The account is open to the public. Fuck ’em. I’m avoiding it for at least a week. – So, tomorrow is the idjits’ 5th Wedding anniversary. Bobo’s leaving work early (11.00) and they’re going to prepare some special meal in their honour (at lest that’s how it’s presented to Jester who will probably do all the work… for them.) Me? I don’t give a shit. I want nothing to do with any of it. – And so, 22.55 and I’m passing out. Second tea is steeping and soon I’m off to nap for the night. The rains stopped, and the humidity is high. The word “snow” is in the forecast for the coming week… at night. It’s expected but I hope to have a car before long. no binking in the snow! PLEASE! – Time for lights out I believe. Finish my tea and GOOD NIGHT!

Fri.17.Oct: *** APPLIED FOR THE CREEK OFFICE AT 19.43 ***** 7.05 Yes I heard the alarm. Yes, I turned it off. But it’s still rather dark out there. Yes, Winter is coming. – YES I NEED A CAR NOW! – Last night just before going to bed, I was sitting on the bed and went to curl my right lieg under…. THE PAIN WAS SO INTENSE THAT I COULDN’T CRY IN SPITE OF WANTING TO!!! FROM HIP TO HEEL!!! HORRIBLE! I stood, sat back on the bed and finally gave up and gave in and laid down. That helped a bit. PAIN! Not a good way to begin this new job. FUCK ME! – Other-wise: skate-strapped again this morning. New terminology. – 8.33 NOTE DU JOUR: MY SHOES (WORK BOOTS) ARE SOAKED!!! MY RIGHT THIGH IS PAINFUL!!! And yesterday, a thought: In the urbans, heavy rains cause “puddling” and in the rurals, cause “ponding”. – 18.44 I HAD DINNER FROM THE CREEK! – And now I’m having my 3 donuts and tea, ready to end this day. And it was delightful too! Working with Diana has been a pleasure! Am I ready to take that office? I don’t know. But, of course, I will, and learn it, and run it… eventually. This morning, before I left town, I stopped at the Fuklin office to give my hours to Rachel and we chatted. Apparently that office is up for a what-ever they call the PMs these days and she and I can apply! (I’m looking at the moment to see if it’s listed on the site… IF I can get WiFi… it doesn’t seem to be coming up this evening… Ok… got it. And of course, as I get on-line, the fucking house phone has to ring which slows me down or cuts me off. FUCK THIS PLACE! FUCK THE WHOLE ENTIRE DUMPING Fucking Town!) – 19.43 Applied for the Creek office. – OK. 20.00. It’s Friday. Today is the idjits’ 5th “wedding” anniversary. They’re where they usually are: on the sofa, in the parlour, in front of the TV… tonight the bass is up. Oh well. Car. Out! – The bike ride into work today was head-winds all the way BUT NO RAIN! YAY! The day went by too quickly. But that’s what happens when it’s enjoyable. The ride back: I stopped at the market, got a grinder for 5,45 and ate it as I travelled! Nothing like (not) enjoying a meal. Typical. I swear, this is no different from The Shelter… in SO many ways. There was no rain UNTIL I arrived in Fuklin! A drizzle, but still… This town is a curse. – I came in to find the 3 of them ensconced on sofas. I bade my happy wishes and came to the room. My right leg is sore. Besides, I’m tired and I have to work again tomorrow. (Then off to Bedford on Sunday!) – There’s another bloody fly in the room tonight, buzzing about. I’ve set a “trap” at bed-side for this one. Hopefully it works. – Rater tired. Could use a nice shower. Won’t bother tonight. I’ll be in bed to sleep soon. – Checking the Skype for Viv. Nothing there. Sent a “hello”. Oh well… – 21.18 Time to TRY to call it a day. The bass on the TV is booming. I suspect there’s been drinking going on during the day. “Passive-Agressive” behaviour. – Weather for the week-end is rain and… SNOW! Sunday will be interesting. – There were trucks and cars on-line tonight. BTV! Fuck me! I have to figure a way to get there. One day I’ll have to try to figure how to get by the Machia rd. and check the prices over there. – On Monday morning I have to re-cert for FS too. The “residence” is what I don’t recall. I have to decide whether or not to report this place. Oh well. – 23.12 Quiet house. I’m “feverish”. Trying for sleep. FUCK THIS!

Sat.18.Oct: 6.23 If I got 4 hours sleep last night it was quite the rest. I couldn’t get to sleep for some reason. And then, as I was dozing off, 3guys showed up across the road, loud, drunk, tossing a baseball. I wonder what the front of the house looks like. Well, all the more reason to leave this place, if something went wrong. – This morning, if it wasn’t for Sue being in the office, I truly wouldn’t want to go there. – It’s raining again this morning too. So, between the weather and no sleep, it doesn’t seem to be the day to head HOME. Oh well. It just wasn’t meant to be. – Meanwhile, I kept hitting snooze on the alarms and when the 6.00 alarm sounded, that’s when I decided to get up. The day begins… and I hate it. – BUT THE RICHFORD CACTUS IS LOADED WITH FLOWERS THIS MORNING! Hopefully a sign of “GOOD” to come. – The dogs are running about. I’m just up from a smoke with Dixie so I’ve no idea WTF is going on out there in the hall… and I don’t much care. – Ah… forecast for the coming week… RAIN EVERY FUCKING DAY! YES, INDEED! s Diana asked only Thursday: “Do you believe in Fate?” Yes… Fate and Fuck both have 4 letter and begin with the letter F. – 12.55 RAIN! FUCK! – It was a nice day with Sue this morning, in spite of the volume of mail and the “entitled elite” of this cesspool town. And it was terrible to see her go. But the rest of the day? 2 people got told off and I don’t care. I’ve lost access to some applications that I needed but I left a shit-load of shit for Rachel on Monday (and I don’t give a shit). Out at noon and put it on my time card. Screw them! – Stopped at the market for sweets before coming into the house (brownie and PopTarts). Paid cash… saving the card for the Creek! – John’s here. And Bobo had to drag both of us up to see the new “closet”… he had to show me SO MANY neck-ties! As if anybody in this house (other than me) would ever wear one. Fuck them anyway. And John was liberal with the compliments on the closet. NEXT! – Back down in the kitchen, chit-chat amongst them and Bobo asked John if he was hungry and then if he wanted any ice cream. Seems they have EIGHT PINTS… Ben&Jerry! John smiled and said “You shouldn’t be eating that, y’know.” Bobo immediately said he wasn’t (that he’d just come DOWN in weight to 200lbs!!!) and her ladyshit simply smiled. Right then. 8 pints of ice cream… I actually pray that somebody take a coma… It would be fun to see it, but more convenient if I was at work at the time. – Work note: the AIC 767 is OVER by 90 cents today and a message came up at closing to take care of it “today”. I didn’t bother. Instead, I ran a drawer count, balancing perfectly, printed it out and included it with my paper-work. – That aside, I’m about to take a nap! Not nearly enough sleep last night. – 15.27 Just up from a 2-hour nap and having my Ramen and 1 frank…. and remembering earlier when John was here: Bobo had gone into the fridge for bread to make a peanut-butter sandwich and pulled out a new package of some bread product, quite full, brought it to the table and said to her ladyshit: “See why I told you not to buy that bread?” The entire package had gone mouldy! MORE food being thrown out! Well! Imagine that! It might be something I might be interested in mentioning on my interview on Monday…. Maybe. IF they cut ME back… there’s to be some kind of Hell to be paid, indeed. I’m fucking fed up with this “food-toss” shit! whilst I eat Ramen noodles and pedal to work in the rain. Fuck you! MY TURN to shove the shaft. – I also believe that there’s to be a party of some kind this evning because her ladyshit is “dressed” and there are little wax fresheners burning all about the house. Ah HAH! Well, I’m certainly not going to keep hidden this evening. Fuck them. No doubt it’s to be the Weight-Watchers delight crew. But, I’ll be fucked before I won’t have a smoke. – (Re-cap on Sun.) Well, as it went, her ladyshit was off to NH to a Chad and Jeremy concert with some-one (hence the fresheners… for the guest who came to fetch) leaving Bobo and Jester together. And they “worked” on the “new closet”… behind closed doors, I might add. – The 2 of them made a salad for dinner this evening and when I went down for a smoke, I was invited to dine with them! I’d already had my noodles and the one frank on a roll so I wasn’t hungry at the time and I said so. – This evening, however, I was rather surprised when, not only was I invited to have drinks with them, TWO were made for me1 Wonders never cease. We drank, chatted, I sat and watched a film with them and we waited until midnight for her ladyshit to return. Finally, I got so tired that I had to come up to the room to sleep. For a brief while though,, it felt as though I was part of the house-hold. – I started to chat with Viv on the Skype but had to cut that short because of diversions in the house. I know: priorities. But if I’m to have a few moments of some sort of “balance” here, it’s in my better interest to do so. Alas… – And so, that’s how the day ended… with me being “part” of this place, chatting and drinking… as though the whole situation was fine and normal… Right.

Sun.19.Oct:

8.27 Well, I’m awake and the skies are cloudy and the temperatures are chilly. I have to get up to Metro this morning. I have to check the forecast and hope. This is the kind of day that kills: Today to Bedford and tomorrow, to work. Last night I checked the cars on Crgslst. Again, there are some that are rather nice… but they’re in BTV and about the state where I can’t get to them! I have to figure THAT out as well. Oh well. It can’t be made easy. Also, at some point, I’ll have to get the GFM funds into the account here so that they’re available on Friday morning. And then… there’s Friday morning and the rush. Honestly… this is going to rip me. I’ll probably get the money for the car and collapse… with-out the car. Yup, that would be my “Fate”. – 11.04 And…. here I am…. still in the house. -18.18 Can one imagine? I left the house at about noon and returned at about 15.45! A trip to Metro. Delightful at BOTH borders! A bit of hail, a lot of chilly wind, many many clouds of various shades of grey, from light to ever-so ominous darkness. But I can’t believe I made it there, got my 4 packs (at 30-cents MORE per pack! That province is insane!) and pedalled directly back. QUICK! WOW! I am impressed! – There’s a Subaru for sale up on the Morses Line for 1500! Doesn’t that figure? JUST beyond what I have available, and in beautiful condition! The guy said he’d come down to 1300, but I’m STILL short. I wanted so much to cry as I pedalled back to the house today. I could have been driving! SO SO CLOSE and yet, as is the story of my life and fate… SO SO FAR AWAY! – I stopped at the market for licorice and crisps. I was in the need for salt for some reason this evening. The crisps were delightful. Followed by Ramen and a peanut-butter on roll. I ATE! – Bobo had made potato soup this evening with the (10lbs) potatoes from out back AND BROUGHT A BOWL UP FOR ME! It has ham in it but I accepted and ate and it was SO WONDERFULLY WARMING on this chilly, dreary day. (5° with a chill of 2°). It’s 18.13 already and I’m jut finishing a tea… Earl Gey to boot. It’s also warming and refreshing. (The temp in the room is 20° but feels much cooler. Of course.) – Well, I’ll have to think about getting the 579 out of the GFM. Imagine! They’ve taken… TAKEN 50$! As if THEY need it more than I do. I wonder where the funds reside and how much use THEY get out of them before I get. – Oh well… the story of the story: I’ll get only what I absolutely need and not a penny more. How I do hate this existence. – Skype is up. Viv posted that she’s already having legal troubles with G&D. What a fucking shame that it goes this way. I don’t know what to say to her though. I don’t know the rules and laws up there. – Oh… and fessebook wants “Government Issued” ID from me on Haddie’s account! I sent them a scathing e-mail telling them I’ll report them to the NSA. Imagine! Social media demanding government photo ID! NOT in THIS life-time! – 21.10 In bed. Not showered from since Saturday morning and I don’t much care. – I think Dixie is either not feeling well or is upset with me because I had to fight with her to get the Frizbee from her this evening. In any case, she wouldn’t eat the meagre dinner they gave here until I went down to the kitchen and sat with her whilst she ate. Poor thing. She craves and actually requires love and affection. She’s such a dear, sweet creature, and indeed, I do love her ever so much. – Word from Rozie and Alex on my fessebook account this evening. Rozie said that although I may be rough at times, I am one of the most “sensitive” people she knows. How nice. – I sent “Thanks” from the GFM account this evening to Martha and Angela (and asked Angela to thank Nanci for me). – I’m really quite heart-sick about the car today. It would have been a delight to simply buy it and worry about the insurance and such later. Even now, I can come up with only 1100 of the 13 or 15. And with Friday’s pay, if it comes to what I’ve calculated, it will give me only the 1300. I’ll have to wait another 2 weeks before I’ll be able to afford insurance, registration and inspection. And there’s no telling how much that will all come to. I’m to understand that registration averages 70$ which isn’t too bad. Inspection is, I believe, 35-85$ and I have NO idea how much insurance will be. Then there’s a tax of some kind that the state charges based on the “book value” of the car. I’m heart-sick. Had the GFM made the goal, I’d have a car sitting in front of the house by the end of this week. I may go back and offer that guy a down-payment to hold it for me. I doubt he’d accept it, but I could certainly try. – Tomorrow morning I need to make a wash. I need to contact FS too. I expect a phone call from Rachel. And I have to be in the office early enough to establish the computer accesses I need for both. And, at some point during the week, I expect to get a call from Rachel about my application to the Creek. – Friday is exhausting me already. Having to go into St.A. first thing in the morning and then to the office… and on a Friday! The stress levels these days. – No response from Viv this evening. I hope all is OK for her up there. This move has been one grand disappointment for her, indeed. It breaks my heart. – But to close on a bright note: today’s trip HOME was… French only! I CAN manage to get along. Must to try it around Viv and see how far I get with it. – Time to post this and get some sleep (or try, considering I’m not showered and have been sweating today, not to mention the sweaty clothing).

Mon.20.Oct: 7.03 I look like shit! Right eye has more baggage than an international cargo ship. I feel like… shit, really. I woke before the alarm, dozed a bit, got up with the 5.35 alarm and now, the clothes are in the dryer. The room has been a mess, and I’ve managed to get some order to it. The sun is rising, but the sky is clouding a bit. It’s supposed to be “fair” weather today (AND RAIN ALL THROUGH THE FUCKING WEEK OF COURSE). It’s rather chilly out there this morning, but not “bitter”. I look forward to the new office, in spite of the fact that there’s so much that I have to catch-up with already. But I do NOT look forward to Rice Hill and the Kane Rd. Oh well. I can’t have “easy”. I simply cannot. – I have terrible body odour this morning. I woke in a sweat, and I haven’t bathed since Saturday morning and even then, that was brief. – I keep thinking of how close and yet how short I am to having enough to get the car. And then, I think of the extra costs that I won’t be able to afford until next month… on the 7th. WEEKS! Me… always just short and even then, only exactly what I need… and never any more. It’s been that way ALL of my what-ever-the-fuck this is. ALWAYS. I’m tired, SICK and tired of it. – Temperature says 1°, chill of zero. 30% chance of rain today, 60-90% for the remainder of the week into Sunday. But thankfully, no “minuses”. It’s the little things… bugger… bloody bugger me! – 9.26 I’ve napped for about 25 minutes. Rang FS and left a call-back. Laundry is done. Second coffee made. The temperature on the barn is -6° in spite of the on-line temp of 2°. No call from Rachel as yet. I don’t suppose there will be one. I’ve posted a few comments to the GFM this morning. I figure, I may as well be brutally honest at this point. No need to be humble any longer. I doubt it’ll get me anywhere. But nothing ventured, nothing lost, as it were. – Dixie vomited on Jester’s floor last night. He takes it so easily. My first reaction was to clean it… for him. But he has all day. Yes, I am learning. – I’m tired. Rather hungry. There’s going to be a little time (hopefully) to eat something. I doubt I’ll eat en route back here this evening. But… we shall see how this day progresses. Hopefully no rain until I’m back in the house. The rest of the week is forecast to be WET! I am NOT looking forward to that… in this cold. – There was a little flash-drive in the bag Viv had given me. I looked at it this morning: music! I’ll take a while and listen… one of these days… perhaps. – 10.50 SHOWERED! DRESSED! Not looking forward to the bike ride in the chill. – Martha re-posted my GFM messages this morning asking others to re-post as well! Then she sent supportive messages! Honestly! I’m amazed, shocked and… I don’t know what else to feel. (I doubt it will make any difference in the total, but there’s support out there…people who know, understand, have compassion.) – Off we go today. My tummy’s a bit in knots but…. here we go!!!! – 18.34 Worked until at least 17.00, came out of the office to wet roads. Drizzle all the way. Walked a bit of the trip and still, after having a “moke” with Dixie, was in the house by 18.15! NOT BAD! – 22.57 OK. In bed, at last. Watched Sleep Hollow with her ladyshit this evening. I like the show… but… oh well. – As for the day? The day. I stopped at the Fuklin PO and settled the “off balance” with Rachel. Apparently it was Aline’s addition and all is well. There was the usual chat about customers and lost items and the likes. Oh well. THEY wanted HER in that office and now THEY have HER! There was also some talk about coverage for her during the week. I wonder how that’s going to go. Will they take me from “my” office and bring me back here? They’ll actually have to because we have only 2 drawers… and that’s that. It’ll be interesting. – A woman at the PO who happens to be one of the happier folk in town came in jut as I was leaving and she said something about having seen me on the road on Friday and that I took her by surprise… I should wear something brighter. “We don’t want anything to happen to you.” she said (I hope Rachel heard that, since it was complimentary). I don’t think it was me she saw because on Friday, I was wearing the rain-suit. But, none-the-less. Oh well. – I left here later than I’d wanted to… almost 11.20 but made it to the Creek by 12.15! I’m getting rather good at this travel. Besides, as I think: it’s not going all the way to E. Fairfield. Thankfully. – When I got in this afternoon, the office was fairly together. Nothing like the way I’m used to, but… I couldn’t find light switches but the safe opened first try! YAY me! But then again, the day began with wonderful exchanges on fessebook, with delightful encouragement from MarthaS. So I was in a really great mind-set all told… in spite of the fact that the only thing I got at the market this morning (I stopped for a sandwich but the lunch hour crew made it impossible to wait so) a box of donuts and a Coke (which turned out to be almost all I’ve eaten all day… save the usual Ramen when I got back into the house). – The day went along rather well indeed. It’s rather a delight, casing 40-some boxes. But it was a non-stop day today because of trying to get me acquainted with the office. I’m in all the applications I need. I have a copy of the drawer count. I had to receive new stock. All told though? I delightful sort of busy day. I worked until 17.00! I’m not putting in for the extra time, but I’ll have to get the routine down to walk out of there sooner than 17.00. – The ride in was rain-free but the ride back was light drizzle all the way. The forecast for the week is in the high percentages for chances of rain… all the way through to Sunday! Bloody hell! – BUT… this evening, when I went to check my e-mail? MORE CONTRIBUTIONS TOWARD THE CAR! out of the 630 collected, only 579 or so was “mine”. Another 30 came in and of the 660, 600 and change is “mine”! I’m on my way to getting a car! AT LAST! Too bad I probably won’t get the Subie on Morses Line, but I’ll have enough to actually shop for a CAR. AT LAST! I’m rather dumbfounded by the support thus far. The bull-shit? That was expected. But the support is humbling and so much appreciated! This is incredible! May it be the beginning of the reprieve from suffering. may it last. – Well, I didn’t have anything in the room to nibble on before sleep tonight… no sugar, as it is. And by the time I wanted to go to the store here in Fuklin., it was closed. Oh well. – OH OH OH I got my FS interview in today. The woman asked me for the landlords’ name! I gave it! I’ll have to go and cover that to get out of it. Tomorrow I have to send in cheque stubs… I’m going to change the physical address back to Richford! I wonder if this little slip is going to hammer the Gliddens. Not that it wouldn’t serve them right. But I’d like to avoid confrontation… at lest until I have the car. – Other-wise, the tea is steeping as I type and this day is done and behind me. And I’m glad for that. – I just realised that I don’t HAVE to get up at 5.30 tomorrow, I can sleep a bit later if I want. A RELIEF! Still, I’d like to get into the Creek in time to grab something to eat and be in the office early. I need to catch up with things there. – That said… time for tea and sleep. I’m a bit tired, worthy of a night’s sleep. One can only hope. – OH!…
********** 6 PINTS OF BEN AND JERRY’S ICE CREAM (CHERRY CHEESE CAKE) IN THE FREEZER THAT BOBO AND HER LADYSHIT GOT FOR FREEFROM BOBO’S JOB ON THE NIGHT AFTER THE CRUISE AND THIS EVENING, WATCHING TV, I WAS OFFERED 2 SMALL HANDS-FULL OF DRY-ROASTED, SALT-FREE PEANUTS! **********

Tue.21.Oct: 7.29 up from a smoke and winded! I can’t be THIS pooped on a Tuesday! There’s 4 more days to go with this! And, the roads are wet (of course). Oh well. I recall the chat with the fellow in the office yesterday, his friend who, at the age of 60, went to sleep one night and “didn’t wake up”. Oh well.. if it is to be. – But it’s another day’s income closer to not having to do this biking thing… soon… I hope. – Odd though, that I could, if I wanted, go back to sleep until 9.00 and still be awake on time for work. Well… this morning I want to leave early, get into the office early, take my time though. just pace it along. That’s the secret: pacing easily. – I still can’t seem to stomach the fact that there’s a car sitting out front, doing nothing, and not even so much as a passing offer to help. Oh well. Indeed, oh well. – 9.51 Rain, rain and more rain. Why, why and more why? Not that the answer would make any difference. – 18.32 I left the office as the truck pulled in at about 16.35. One stop at the market for some candy bars and pedalling most of the way back (* I PEDALLED ALL THE WAY IN TODAY! EVEN UP RICE HILL!!! *) and a quick stop for a smoke with m’Dixie when I got into the house and I was in the room at 18.15. – I stopped at the Creek for a sandwich, 2 ice creams and a Coke before going into the office (at just about noon!) and “Meal” this evening is a large peanut-butter on a small roll with Earl Grey tea. I’m almost out of food here and not much left on the card. Meagre days are a-comin’. – Sent out the pay-stubs with a copy of the Church St. lease for the FSfolk. Hopefully all will go quietly. (But I’m not counting on it.) – The trip into work was fairly OK with the light drizzle and the same on the way back to the house. But I say: I must get a car and get the fuck out of this town. I HATE coming back to this town and house. There’s something about this town that’s not good in any fashion. – Chatted with Rachel a bit today. She was talkative. AND… a fellow rang the office today to thank me for my services yesterday! OK. So he’s bored. But still, WHAT A FUCKING CHANGE TO BE THANKED! – I was ignored when I came into the house though. I popped my head into the parlour where the lards are reclined, her ladyshit whining about something about phone or lap-top… and not even an acknowledgement from the other 2. Honestly! Dregs. – The traffic coming across the E. Sheldon rd.and up the N. Sheldon was HORRIFIC! They travel at about 150km/h! Fucktards… the lot of them. – 22.21 and finally in bed. My right knee is so sore tonight. Gee, any wonder? And the rain is forecast to last through Sunday! Gee, any wonder? Diana asked “Do you believe in Fate?” How can I not? – This evening, on fessebook, the “Humans of NY” posted a photo of a man who SO resembles me that he could be a relative! It’s haunting, really. And he told a story of his child-hood: his mother… my father… almost the very same story! His mother: drugs. My father: booze and stupidity and immaturity. I sobbed as I read and then I posted the even on Hill Street and the responses came in almost immediately. It haunts me… the resemblance and the similarities. And it angers me to think that somebody else lived through that Hell and torture. But “Fate” is strange. Mama’s legacy and reputation now live on in the minds and hearts of people I’ve never met and never will meet. Her light and glory now pass along to many others, out in the vastness of the World. Likewise, father’s legacy is passed along too, to the same people. I have lived long enough to tell the truth… to the World. Technology has been my Redeemer. How strange. – There’s another fly in the room tonight. There’s one in one of the “traps” on the window-sill. They work! Not perfectly well, but well enough. – Today: 2 days down and 4 more to go. This travelling is going to kill. – There was a truck for sale, 1000$,St. Albans. On Crgstlst. I wonder what’s wrong with it. Ad reads “need the money”. Only a phone number. I’ll call tomorrow from work. How much more miserable to have to do that away from this hovel. – As I reached the crest of the last Hell-hill into this pit this evening I thought: I must get a car and when I do, I must get out of this town. Indeed, having a car in this town, I don’t trust anybody in it. I expect damage. These people, for the majority of the most part are just evil. The car will have to be parked out on the street. I don’t trust the lot of them. Ugly place, this. Imagine, to feel this way OUT-side of NYC. NYers can be better than the rest of the world.

Wed.22.Oct: 7.24 I went back to sleep after the 2 alarms this morning. I’m getting run-down here. And the damned skies are STILL, yet AGAIN, drizzling!!! HOW MUCH WATER CAN THE SKY HOLD? AND, IFTHE EARTHI IS TURNING, WHY DON’T THESE RAIN CLOUDS MOVE AWAY? Wonders of … wonders. – Just figuring this out this morning: 600 on-hand, 600 in GFM, 200 should be from salary is 1400. 100 short of what the guy wants for the Subaru. 400 over the truck. And I can’t get to either before Friday! Mere days away. And Friday? I’ll have to be in the shower by this time to get on the road by 8.00 at the latest. Arrive at the CU by about 10.00. Leave there at 10.30 and hope to get to the office on time. Friday is going to be murder. Oh well… die trying. – I still keep thinking about Bobo talking shit about me at his job, telling the people there how miserable I am and then he and her ladyshit telling me that I should get a job there!!! It supports my belief that some people truly are simply STUPID…. and you can’t “fix” stupid. – 19.19 The morning commute was rain all the way! But during the day, the sky actually partially cleared and there was SUN! It didn’t last long, but it was pleasant enough. En route to the office, I stopped for my sandwich and by the time I got to the office I was SO hungry I ate as I set up and cased the mail! This place is reminding me so much of that shit-box and Margot where, as soon as I got to T6, I HAD to eat! I had an appetite… as long as I was away from there… and here. – Well!!! I was out the door at 16.40 this evening, all done up for “in case of rain” when I looked up and in the parking lot… BOBO! Imagine? Well of course! It wasn’t raining this evening! Don’t bother to come in the rain… no… wait until the ride would be fine. Honestly, I swear they plan it that way. But it was a pleasant ride back to the house and by 17.00 I was IN! OH! To have a car! AND… I WAS INVITED TO SIT AND DINE! Spaghetti with meat sauce… I took only just enough to be able to say I ate with them. No more. – After dinner, Bobo and Jester went for their “walk”…apparently up the Middle rd. almost to the Gallup BUT… Bobo insisted that they be fetched for the trip back and so, when her ladyshit left, I bolted to the store and got a whoopie pie, 3 Musketeers bar and a bottle of (diet… fuck!) tonic for my legs and bolted back into the house before they returned. – When I stopped at the Fuklin office this morning, 3 envelopes from the FS folk. One stating that I missed my interview, another asking for the documentation that I’d already sent and the third stated that I have a whole, shopping 21$ toward “heat” expenses. That’s the cash thing. It used to be 50, then down to 25 and now only 21. But it’s 21 more than I have so I’m not complaining. – Chatted with Rachel as she re-arranged more thing about the place. She’s trying to make it functional. That’s fine. I can adjust. But then she told me something rather interesting:
*** Last week she was in the store here and her ladyshit was in. Her ladyshit turned to her with a smile and said “When you see Jen F. tell her she’s better stop talking shit about me or I’ll put my size 13 up her arse!” Rachel said she was shocked, not only because of what was said but that it was said to her AND loudly enough for the whole store to hear! Me? I simply told Rachel that, for the most part, the old thing doesn’t know what it’s saying about 60% of the time, and I added that there have been horrid things said about me as well. I tried to push the whole thing off to senility, just in case the fucking shit about ME starts meandering about town. It seemed to be OK at that point. So we shall see what’s to come.*** –
I left there at about 11.20 and hit the road… and had time to stop at the Creek for a sandwich AND made it to work on time! – Pedalled all the way again! Hey hey hey! – Meanwhile, this evening on the fessebook, Roni and I are back in contact and she made a comment about how happy she is to be re-connected with old friends who’d lost contact. I’m leery about it, but I’m leery about every thing these days. Still, there’s the connection with some-one and oddly, Zur “lives” again. Imagine that. (I wonder what kind of dreams I’ll be having now. Zuri?) – There’s horrible, horrid news from HOME… from Canada today. A young Reservist, a Corporal, standing guard at the National Monument in Ottawa was shot and killed, in broad day-light, in full sight of all. Another Muslim! It’s gotten to the point where these cancers are attacking CANADIANS! This, most certainly, MUST be the indication of the end of sanity on Earth. Of ALL People… CANADA? It’s not, of course, that Stephen Harper hasn’t asked for this, nor that he hasn’t put the country in that position with his alliance with these states here and the Presidouche. It’s not like Canadians haven’t been trying to emulate the worst of this country over the past several years… MANY years. So? They “Americanise” and now they too, pay the price. But… my “HOME”, my refuge, my one place where I’ve always felt safer, calmer, more “balanced” is now on the down-ward spiral into, as I’ve posted on fessebook, becoming the 51st state of this shit-heap. The place where my spirit has been at “HOME” is being destroyed! and I am being devastated. I suppose this has always been inevitable, and I should be thankful that it took this long to come to be, but I’m not. I guess Canadians aren’t as bright as I’d always given them credit for. But then again, when I look back over my life-time, I’ve always been a poor judge of character in others… and all because I tend to try not to see the negatives… and eventually, I get slammed. Today? I wish I’d have died LONG before seeing this happen. – 24.04 Finally to bed. VERY “over-late”!

Thu.23.Oct: 0.24 Finally getting to bed. I don’t know why I’m not exhausted. I’ll be SO sorry tomorrow!!!!! But I went for a last smoke and, of course, the sky is clear tonight. Ah… but the day’s forecast is for the heaviest rain. Of course. – The lap-top is acting up. The keys aren’t responding and the fan is running like mad. This piece of shit is only about a year old! – Ah… but tomorrow… TOMORROW…. THREE YEARS IN VERMONT! IMAGINE THAT! – 8.19 I OVER-SLEPT! The bad news is I didn’t wake until 8.00! The good news is, I got 8 hour’s sleep. And the sleep is what I need so… And i still have some time to “wake up”. – There’s no rain this morning. But… – 18.00 Got a ride back to the house this evening… and yes, even in the drizzle. – Today the one Bitch inSheldon showed her face. Of course, it’s some fat broad, very similar to the FuklinTel cow. This one, the Sheldon Cow, just didn’t like what I’d told her about her “refund” on postage and was in a snit about some receipts about her mailings. When I told her that I was following protocol, she went off on me and then had the audacity to tell me: “I don’t care if they close this office, I’m concerned about my business.” Then, when Cindy rang me, she told me that she’d lied about some mailings she’d done! LIED! Said they went out late! That she’d dropped them in the blue box because the office was closed. CLOSED? WHEN? Fuck these liars! Truly, just fuck these liars. But I’m not going to take it out on the rest of the town… yet. And I have to say that it appears that I’m getting support now from Cindy and Rachel. I’m really not alone in all of this. – I also learnt that Rachel is getting quite the shafting being paid her base rate whilst taking on all the responsibilities of all the offices and having gotten the OIC. Honestly, the longer I live, the worse it becomes. I don’t understand the shit in this world. People can be such fucking waste. – 20.52 Time for trying to get some sleep here. One more smoke and done. – No Viv this week-end. Just saw from here on the Skype. She won’t come because “customs” will be too much trouble due to the murder in Ottawa this week! Imagine that! I mean, seriously… what the fuck does she expect? That she can just breeze through them? SHE’S the one who, over the years, kept insisting “They’re only doing their job.” and “You’re smuggling cigarettes across the border!” and such shit. It’s NOT that far to drive, and the trip isn’t difficult. It’s nothing more than laziness, when it comes down to it. But… People are fucking lazy. – I have nobody now, had nobody then… don’t give a shit over-all. – Bobo gave me a lift to the house though this evening so I am grateful. There was a bit of a drizzle when I got out of work so today, it actually made some sense. AND AGAIN, when I came into the house, a place was set at table for me. I had a half piece of chicken, a scoop of peas and some 4-bean salad… again, just enough to dodge commentary. I don’t feel comfortable eating with them. But doing so avoids shit, and I’ve no more room in my life for any more shit. – 22.31 and the NOISE out-side… NOISE FROM A RADIO! WHAT A FUCKING SHIT-HOLE THIS TOWN IS! And it’s that same red pick-up truck with the silver tool box and white bucket in the back. One of these days I’ll get the plate number and post it about the internet. I’ll have to keep watch and see who owns it. If it’s a customer, I’ll see if I can address the issue in a civil manner. (I doubt it, considering this town, but I might try. These bits of shit are hopelessly useless. I swear they’ve also got a deep-rooted scat fetish… with all the shit they spread and the fact that the very air is full of it. And again, today, en route to work I thought: In all likelihood, this state is probably so sparsely populated because the women are getting it up the shit-hole and the men are probably a bunch of butt-munchers, giving it to their wives only when necessary and giving it to the cows the rest of the time.)

FRI.24.OCT: 6.09 THREE YEARS AGO THIS MORNING… VERMONT!
It’s raining this morning. Rather chilly. Quite dark. I slept through the first alarm and woke at about 5.48! I still have time to get me together for the trip into St.A. but… I’ve decided that I have the deposit for the office and the 100 on hand. So, I can break my 100 with the deposit, make that, and have the money for Sunday. I’m going to do that instead of trying to kill myself with the trip into the CU. If there was some large amount (say, if I had the GFM in the account), I’d go. But there’s only about 200 in the account today, so, best to go to work instead and have the energy for Sunday. Now, to hope for fair weather on Sunday. – I don’t believe I’m being selfish when I say that I resent the fact that there’s a car sitting here that is never offered. I don’t believe I’m being selfish when I say that I resent the fact that Viv won’t come down because of customs. I do believe that I’m being en point when I say that the people I know here are selfish, thoughtless, and, to a great extent, worthless in my life. – And I have to add:
DREAM: This morning, before I woke, I was having a very jumbled dream of large sums of money being in the GFM. There was one point when the amount was about 7,000! Then down to 700. Another amount went down to 600… the total kept changing, as if it were on a slot machine or something. There were large contributions, small contributions… it kept fluctuating all through. No rhyme nor reason. Just amounts.- And now, I’m awake and thinking I should try to go back to sleep. There’s time for a “nap” now since I’m not going travelling before work. – THREE YEARS TODAY. THREE YEARS IN VERMONT. – – (On Sat. morn.) Fuck this shit with fat women who have a little business in Hump-Dump here! Consumer Affairs rang the office because of that cow at Ecoomic Advantages! She’d bitched because I was “rude and condescending” after I’d gone into the office with the intention of trying to make things easier for her! FUCK ME! No… FUCK HER! The good side of it all was that “Donna”, from Consumer Affairs, was understanding of the situation and even said that she (the cow) was used to what Donna called “Sweet Deals” and was now upset because she wasn’t getting any. I appreciated the fact that Donna listened to me and she told me that she’d work in the plant but never retail and that she doesn’t know how we do it. Well… we’ll see where this goes. Donna sent me an e-mail with the items she was going to include in the response. Again, we’ll see where it goes. I’m not planning on it turning well for me. Fuck! Why should I? I know better. – All day today I tried to count the drawer but there was non-stop folks. I don’t mind that at all, really. But trying to account for everything in that office isn’t the easiest thing I’ve ever done. I’m going to have to get in EARLY one of these days to do a proper count… and I feel I MUST do that… especially since my preliminary is about 1000$ short! I do NOT like this at all! – One thing though… I got my pay advice this morning and when I opened it, it was a bit MORE than I’d expected! I don’t know HOW, but I’m not saying anything at all about it. But the net is over 300. Had I known that, I would have made the effort to get to the CU to get it out! Oh well… I still have to get the GFM funds out too so that’ll make the effort… the trip in the morn, worth the pain. My legs are starting to ache from all of this pedalling in the rain and cold. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to make the trip into the CU. But… one of these days… soon, it will HAVE to be done… I NEED THAT CAR! FUCK ME! – HEY! It didn’t rain all the way into the office this morning! So the day HAD to fuck me some-where along the line. – AND of course, because it wasn’t raining when I was leaving the office, Bobo was there to give me a lift back to the house. Bull-shit… all. – When we got back to the house this evening, there was a pizza on the table. – OH! Before I forget… I HAVE to add here: When I was at the market getting my sandwich, the Town had ordered a pizza and it had gotten a bit too blackened for them, so the market made them another. I was standing there thinking that I could use that pizza that they didn’t want and as I pondered this, a young fellow jokingly asked the girl at the cash if he could buy the pizza at a discount… SHE GAVE IT TO HIM! FREE!!!!! I COULD HAVE HAD A PIZZA… FOR LUNCH!!! FOR FREE!!! and even kept the left-overs in the fridge at the PO! OH! I’M SUCH A FUKTARD! – That said, I had ONE slice of the pie at the house and there were 3 slices left-over. Well, they won’t last long… not in this place. And I ate just enough to say I’d accepted their invitation. Done. (No doubt, they’ll tell others that they’re feeding me now. Fucking lying shits. I don’t care anymore. They’ll say what they want no matter what… that’s how this town is.) – And so, as the day went along and away… no word from Viv again today. I’m at the “FUKKIT” stage where this is concerned. Honestly? Can’t take a moment to log in, send a word or even an emoticon? Sweetie? YOU lose the friends, not I, at this juncture. And that’s my take on it. – By 21.00 I was in the bed and trying to get some sleep. Tomorrow is an EARLY morning, but they, the house, just put those new wax-thingies in and the scent is atrocious! Sickening as a matter of fact. I was SO restless from it. Probably finally got to doze off at about 22.00 or so. I’d been so tired before that, burning eyes and a flush of fatigue. But that stench! I need a place where the house is clean, quiet and I can sleep when needed, walk bare-foot again. This is starting to truly oppress and depress. – THREE YEARS… THREE FUCKING YEARS… AND HERE I AM! BUT… I’M STLL IN THE NORTH COUNTRY, STILL ABLE TO POP HOME. SO? THINGS, IN GENERAL, ARE GOOD. (I must say… I’m not where I thought I’d be, but then, I came here knowing NOTHING about this place. It’s been tough, but I’m a FUKU/FUKKIT kind of person… and even more-so as I get older so? FUKU/FUKKIT/ALL!)

Sat.25.Oct: 6.33 I heard the alarms, turned them off, turned the phone off, went back to sleep until 5.55 or so! NOT GOOD but GOOD I woke on time. I’m not as exhausted as I’d expected to be but… there’s tomorrow… (or, if I have the energy, this afternoon… for the trip HOME). – (On Sun.) It was … a day in Fuklin PO. It went well enough. Thankfully Sue was working so it was pleasant this morning. The work just flowed, as it usually does. It took a bit of adjusting to get back to the routine of that office and yes, I went in with trepidations. But for all, it was fine. Nothing in the office that was too terrible. I did notice though that the computer there is a mess. SLOW! Horrible. But by 11.30 I was out the door and away. – The one item: The Sheldon office. Ah.. I should have minded my own business there. I rang Diana who received a notice that I’d forgotten to put the seal number on the Reg. and she seems to be all out of sorts because of that. Oh well. As I told her: I’d done that before and yes, I got the notice but the deposit went through fine. She was not consoled. AND… I forgot to put the box rent on the 1412 in the correct AIC so I’ll have to credit that with the next deposit. OH! Is she ever “on the point” when it comes to that. Me? Hey! The money went in, the deposit was made, the cash is credited to the correct office. I’m happy. OH OH and I didn’t up-date the file card! WOW! I haven’t done those cards in YEARS! SO? Oh well. – But she did tell me that she saw the complaint from Econ.Adv. (I wonder why and how that came to be… and what I’ll have to deal with on Monday) She mentioned that the woman there has had a “few failures” over the course of her business, (so that’s probably why she’s all so bent, oh well). A little insight for me. – Other than that… I was out at 11.30! – At the house, when I came in, the crew was cooking and Bobo gave me a bit of some red pepper… the “Cecil Pepper”! It was horrid… HORRID! HOT! I hadn’t had anything like that since Elise gave em the hot sauce her Mum made in Antigua! Just awful! And he’d put a whole one into the chili he made! – John came by and we chatted a bit and I came up to the room. There’s nothing to eat now, and not really enough to get anything. The “lean days” are coming this month… thankfully toward the end. – AH… but I’ve got the extra 21$ for “heat”… hahahahahah. I’ll eat that, no doubt. – Then… John left and the other 3 took off for St.A. I was invited to go along but I wanted to get to the dummy for Halloween today so I stayed at the house and MADE THE TROUSERS from an old burlap bag, stuffed the thing with leaves from the front of the house and got to the head, from old Hannaford’s bags and I actually made a bit of a wig from baling twine. Not my best work, but… – I also bolted next door for breakfast cereal, a box of donuts and some cheese curds…. and killed my cash, save the cigarettes money which… well… as it’s going, I’ll have to go and get in tomorrow’s rain. Oh joy! – Jester had found a pack of generic menthols on the street, un-opened, and gave them to me. They’ll help carry the Belvedere’s over a day or so. But they’re nasty, of course. But they’re here. I’ll smoke them. – And a note: Bobo was blitzed…. boozed-up when they left. I SO didn’t want to be around that. He was SO blitzed that he actually started thanking me for the work I do around the house… only when he’s drunk. Gee… isn’t THAT familiar? Indeed. – They returned abotu 18.00 and I WAS INVITED TO DINE AGAIN! So I did, just enough to say that I had. The chili was OK… a bit too spicy but not so much that it couldn’t be eaten. And I came back up tot he room, still quite hungry. I had the tin of soup with a few cheese curds and finished the donuts. I’ll need the calories for tomorrow. – And it rained again… this morning, whilst I was stuck int he office, the sky was delightfully clear, of course. I’m fucking at the end of this rain shit. Truly. – The day went on and it went away and by about 21.00 I was in bed. – No word from Viv again. I almost cut the Skype account but decided: I don’t have to log-in so that’s what I’m going to do… just leave it. I can’t help but think:
She needed help with her rent and un-like years ago, I didn’t jump right in to give her the cash. Now? I’m not worth the effort of driving the car 90 minutes to come to see. I hope I’m wrong, but the feeling is too strong. It all goes back to the same thing… as long as I’m tossing the cash, I’m the bestest friend. But when the money’s gone, the truth comes through. So be it. I’ve no time nor need… besides, I’m 600$ behind int he car money because of the booze and such from the last “visit” up. I do NOT have the money so? I do NOT have the “friends”. FTW, as it were.
By 22.00 or so, it was lights out for me… the day was shot to Hell… the dummy needs to be assembled. I just can’t figure how. But that’s for tomorrow… in another day of… rain… AND tomorrow is a day of trying to get to Bedford… in the rain. THIS should be interesting, to say the least.

Sun.26.Oct:
7.59 And I’m awake and now have to catch-up with yesterday and Friday… – 8.45 FINALLY caught-up to here and now and the rain is falling and I have to check to see when/if (hahah) it will be letting up. Last night’s forecast seemed to offer a few breaks. I was thinking that I could go to St.Armand instead of Bedford today but I’ve no CAD. IMIGHT be able to pull it off and get away with a couple packs of Players… I actually need only 2 packs right now to take me to next Sunday. I’d much rather get the carton of Belvedere, but let’s see what’s to come of the day. – The house is beginning to wake… oh well. I keep thinking: TWO FUCKING CARS HERE AND … I wouldn’t DARE ask to use even one! Would NOT DARE!!! – Well… let’s see how the day progresses. I’ll hit the work on the dummy for a bit. Metro doesn’t open until 10.00 and the border only opened at 8.00. I’m still OK with time… I suppose. – According to the météo… the rains should stop round NOON! I SO HOPE SO!!!! – 17.24 Well……… it WAS a delightful after-noon!!! ***W.A.S.*** The rains let up at about 13.00 and I got me together, in rain gear, (bags included) and headed out the door and to HOME!!! The roads were a bit wet, the wind was a bit chilled. But les douanes was a snap (and ever so attractive) and I was thrilled to be back HOME! even with the North-West winds. – Bedford was SO peaceful today, in all the Autumnal drear. And at the Metro? Asking for and purchasing what was 96$Cad turned into 94$US and THE ENTIRE TRANSACTION, from asking the price through the purchase and to the “Merci” was… IN FRENCH! So, once again: so much for the Vivie “We don’t say that.” or “We don’t say that that way.” or any of the rest of the bull-shit. – THEN… the trip BACK? Pleasant breezes, clean roads, no shit in the air AND CUSTOMS? CLICK-SNAP AND DONE! We even talked about car-buying! Seems, a vehicle made in Canada or the US is duty-free! WOOHOO! So much for asking people who wouldn’t dare admit they don’t know but are quick to give bull-shit answers. AND… I was on the road again! – The sun shone, the skies were blue and all was well with the world. I took my time and actually pedalled all the way both ways! ALL the way! – Got back into the house rather before 17.00 to find the other 3 grazing at table. But a 4th place had been set. (Too bad. Oh well.) – I was in a super mood until……………….. Dixie jumped up on me as usual AND RIPPED A HOLE IN MY RAIN PANTS! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK ME! ON THE THIGH! THE “LAP” WHERE THE RAIN WILL NORMALLY HIT AND PUDDLE! And the reaction from the dickless wonders? “Oh look. You have a hole in your pants.” Bobo. “Did she rip your pants?” her ladyshit. “She ripped his rain pants.” Jester. All I could do was walk away from them, come up to the room and try to repair with Loctite. Welll, it doesn’t really work, but I’m trying to glue a piece of a plastic doughnut bag over the hole. The vinyl layer is over the “mesh” layer and these things are so fucking cheaply made that I want to spit, shit and shout! – 22.02 So much for showering tonight and laundry tomorrow. I just don’t care enough. I haven’t showered since Saturday morning. I worked a sweat on the ride to Bedford today. I just don’t care. I have no clean clothes for work tomorrow. I just don’t give a shit. I put another layer of glue on the rain-pants. That takes 30 minutes to set (22.30) and 24 hours to “cure” (tomorrow night at 22.30). The weather report for tomorrow is fairly OK as far as no rain, but at the rate things go, that isn’t dependable. I’m rather sunk. – I put in for the transfer of funds from GFM tonight. 2-5 days! The weather for Wednesday is supposed to be quite nice and would be perfect for going into the CU to get the cash and get the car. But… I know how my life goes… I’m fucked all round no matter what. And on the GFM? I put a goal of 1000 and got 600 out of it. Honestly, fucked. – Oh well. I can’t care anymore. Just roll along and see what disaster comes next. – And on the trip today it occurred to me: I have no place to offer as an escape and I didn’t toss money to help with the expenses accrued like I used to (because I don’t have it) so I’m of no use, no value to Viv these days. She’s not the same as she used to be (but then again, I’m not the same either). But this is another kick in the face and one that will not be repeated… ever. As I believe: it’s not “my” loss when others turn away. I have always been the best and most trying-to-help friend all of my life. The “loss” is theirs because there’s no “me” anymore to turn to. Alas… for others. – One quick check of the weather and try for sleep. The shower would have helped but it’s too late, I don’t have the energy nor the desire. I don’t give a shit. – 22.50 Nope. Not even a pft on the Skype. I’m not worth even that much…. on a day off. – End of this day!

Mon.27.Oct: 6.39 The laundry is in. I’ve had coffee and smoke. And I want so much just to go back to sleep for the day. Ah yes, another day. The glue “dried” on the rain-paints. But there’s glue on the inside as well. No doubt… a pair of jeans will be ruined. My “fate”. – It’s over cast this morning, and windy. WIND! I have to check… no doubt, sustained, and from the South. I can’t care. – Will this shit ever end? (No. Of course not.). – 23.15 MUCH later than I thought I’d be awake but I’ll try to re-cap this day before getting finishing my tea and trying to get to some sleep tonight… un-showered again, of course. – Well, the day began with no rain… NO RAIN ALL THE WAY TO WORK! HEY! But en route, the chain slipped, the bags on my boots kept coming out from under the rain-pants (which, I believe, are sealed well with that glue). So, in addition to having to stop along the way to put the chain back on the gears (twice), I finally gave in and on the Kane rd, I took the bags off! – Stopped at the market for food on the card and got to the office at about noon. – Got the mail in, started to count the stock and drawer and the co-bitch from Econ.Adv. came in. She was NICE, kind, understanding today! We chatted a bit about their needs (fuck me) and she walked out quite satisfied and thanked me! She understands that there have been too many changes in the office and that I’m doing the best I can. – HOWEVER, the Town Clerk was there and she told me that the cow who runs that slip-shod “company” “HATES Sheldon”, has for years, ever since her husband died she’s been on a rampage against the town (and the clerk was one of the responders when her husband was dying), and that I shouldn’t take it personally… I’ve become part of the town and she hates me for that. Ah… AND I got the change to tell Cindy about this as well. So…that went well. – The mail got in. Diana had left some retained cash on the 1412 and Rachel told me that she’s told Diana numerous times NOT to do that but that Diana will do things they way she wants to no matter what. Oh well… at least I have Rachel on the good side. – A fellow from town came in and we chatted a bit and I mentioned “Fuklin” to him. Seems he resided here a while and he agreed that the town is shit. “They have the Gateses… and they have money and think they’re better than the rest. And there are others exactly like them.” he said. So far, anybody not from Fuklin hates this town as much as I do! I can’t wait to get the fuck out of here. – The mail got done and out on time today and so too, did I. I’d sent a text to Bobo telling him that I would be working late and not to come by. His reply: “OK”. Shit! The weather was delightful this evening and I don’t want to have to hear about “Bob gave you rides… You owe us!” (And… I avoided having to sit at table with “them” this evening. So THAT too was a delight!) – The trip back was quite wonderful this evening. Nice weather and all. The little Pekinese came to greet me as usual (cute little thing) AND “Acer” was in the yard when I passed and I got to see him too! How GREAT! – It was a bit on the “dark” side when I finally got into town. – And now for the “news”: I have to work in this shit-hole from Wed-Sat! I was planning on going into the the CU on Wed. or Thurs. morning to fetch my money and get the car! WHY? Fate is a royal fuck and one that shreds the bowels. Truly! Well, in addition to the money issue, the thought of having to put up with this town-shit for those 4 consecutive days put me in a real dump. I took some cash and went to the store and got 2 tins of “Twisted Tea” and a bag of Doritos for “dinner”. I wanted to get blitzed and pass out. It obviously didn’t work that way. The “tea” wasn’t quite strong enough for a “pass-out” but it did take the “edge” off a bit for a short while. And it’ tasted OK too. I had the tea and crisps whilst on the fessebook on which the comments rolled along for most of the evening. – At about 21.10, I’d gone down for a smoke and Sleepy Hollow was on! Her ladyshit is still mucking with the new phone (no fucking money but they can afford the latest phones… wastes… the lot of them). So I say and watched alone in the parlour. – Fine. That pretty much wrapped the night up. – I came back up to the (cool) room, chatted a bit more on the fessebook and now, here I am… under the covers, looking forward to tomorrow but not the rest of the week. – The weather report for the next few days is… COLD! There’s much snow in the forecast coming. I’m thinking of taking the cash I have and giving it to the guy to “hold” the car until I can get to the CU next week. It would be delightful if he’d entrust me with the car so I could use it (even some-what illegally, to get to and from work). But I’ll have to see how the next few days move along. The only hope would be to wake early enough tomorrow and find the ret of the GFM in the account in which case I could bolt from here at 8.00, fetch the loot and get to work… then get to the car during the break during the week. But I know MUCH better than to expect that! The world HATES me so I know better and expect… NOTHING. – Well, that actually covered the day. The tea is steeping and still hot, so there’s that to finish and wrap this fucking day up! – 23.53 Word from Viv on the Skype. I sent a reply… vague and such. Not very “luvie-duvie” but I truly can’t be that hypocritical. A message was received. A reply was sent. Done.

Tue.28.Oct:
MADE IT TO THE CU TODAY AND HAVE THE MONEY FOR THE CAR!!!

7.49 and I’m a mess! A seriously restless night, last night. I was still awake at 2.00 this morning! That’s about the time I finally fell asleep! And then, turned off the 2 alarms this morning, went back to sleep. And now, I am… well… here, with head-ache and hot flashes. – It’s raining this morning, of course. And it’ gotten colder. How charming. How “me”. – A mess. – A MESS! – Ad her ladyshit is awake, playing with the several-hundred dollar phone. And the car sits in front of the house. – Me. – And I re-entered the count sheet for the Sheldon office last night and it comes up, not balanced, but over 200$ SHORT! This bothers me as well. I’ve inherited a drawer that’s THAT short! I’m NOT happy about this and don’t know what to do! Oh well… RE-re-count and look. I must have over-looked something. I can only hope. – Oh… but I did look on-line yesterday to see if the position for that office was still posted: NONE of the PSE positions are posted. I wonder. – AND THE GFM IS IN THE ACCOUNT THIS MORNING! FUCK ME!!!!!! – 22.01 I NEED to get to sleep tonight! Please! – It turned out to be QUITE the DAY! I left the house at about 10.50 and stopped at the PO for a chat with Rachel that lasted a bit longer than I was comfortable with… I was still there at about 11.20 and when I was just about to leave, Bobo walked in! And.. HE HANDED ME THE KEYS TO THE JUKE! Told me that he’d come back to set-up a new exercise thing he’d ordered. (Seems he applied for and got a new credit card and maxed it on the shit! OK. I’m at the end of any sympathies for this crew. The phones are costing them HUNDREDS! Penny sent them money to help with their previous expenses and now this? Nah… Stupid is as stupid is. And these people have pushed the limit.) – Anyway, I was grateful because it had started RAINING AGAIN! So… he took the bike back to the house and I got into the car and… HEADED TO THE CU! ZIP ZOOM! It still gets to me that I know short-cuts to places in this state. I took the N.Sheldon to the 105 to Woods Hill and… zip-zoom, I was at the CU by just past noon! In, told them I wanted the withdrawal, asked for a 500 bill. Seems they’re no longer in print! Nor the 1000! This country is at a LOW! But then again, there’s nothing backing the currency any longer so… I got the 940 and was OUT and on my way to work! – Arrived by about 12.20! Hey! – The day went along ever so quite well until… – I was talking with Rachel about leaving my Count Sheet for her (since it’s still showing OVER 239$!!!) and she said “I won’t get it until next Wednesday.” “Next?” WELL! I’m covering her NEXT week, NOT this week! I told her that I was going to show up at the Fuklin office tomorrow and she said “I’d just send you home.” and we laughed. So… it’s NEXT week that I have to cover this sad-ass town. Oh well… that’s fine. – The rest of the day went well… I think… and by 14.30 I WAS OUT OF THAT OFFICE! – A stop at the market for a grinder and some cookies for when I got back to the house. Then to the gas station to put 15$ into the tank (as my “gratitude”… but it was the cheap gas instead of the middle that I used to put in… “You owe us a lot of money!”? FINE! You got almost a tank full of gas for loaning me the car, at long last, on a clear day. OWE THIS! FUKTARD!) and I was off to the house via State Park and the Swamp rds. Short-cuts again. – Odd observation though: as I drove today, when I’d come to a hill, my chest tightened, just as it does when I’m on the bike! “Conditioned”, I am. Sad, really. – Anyway, as I came in there was a place set at table and a burger waiting for me. Yes, I had it with some beans. Not nearly enough to eat considering I’d only had the bag of crisps last night and not much sleep. But, I ate. Period. – I still have the grinder for tomorrow too… I could eat it tonight, I’m that hungry. But I won’t. – So, nothing else got accomplished with this evening. I still have to work on the Halloween shit, but it will wait a bit longer. – Tomorrow morning, I’d like to go and stop by to enquire about the Subie and hope with all that he’ll accept the 1300 for it and that it’s in GREAT running condition with good CVs and electrics and HEAT! The rest? Ill worry about that as time goes along. I looked into registration… I think it’s going to cost me 148$. Then there’s insurance. which will be… I don’t know how much. This is no cheap investment here! AND… it’s going to take MORE time! But thankfully, it’s just under 2 weeks till next pay and a “good” income at that. PLEASE? That the Subie is in GREAT running condition! (Oh, and there’s the inspection too. Fuck! It keeps mounting… this investment!) – But tonight, I can go to bed in the comfort of knowing that the cash for the car is mine now. I could kick me in the face for parting with the 600 I had!!! But there’s no sense. It’s gone… and it’s not coming back. (Went to drinks and such in MTL… and I came back with next to nothing to speak of. Imagine that. Which just runs on into my feelings that Viv has little-to-no use for me because I didn’t jump in and hand her the rent she owed. Oh well… Enough of thinking of others all the time. Bad enough I blew what I did… AND… SHE drank the bottle of vodka AND most of the 50’s on top of which, I had to go to meet HER after work for the ride back AND I lost out on my appointment in Bedford at CIBC because she couldn’t possibly bring me back on time… nor would she loan me the car. So? FUCK IT! In plain English.) – Well, going for 22.30 and time to sip tea and get rest. There’s a wind pounding out-side tonight. It’s supposed to bring “warmth” to the weather and then, the week-end is … SNOW! PLEASE, THAT THE CAR IS IN GREAT RUNNING ORDER! PLEASE!!! – (PS: not showering again tonight. No energy.)

Wed.29.Oct: 7.37 and I’m happy to say that I don’t remember falling asleep last night. Lights out, head on pillow and sleep. This morning, I wake to wet roads (again, imagine that) and winded after my smoke. Trying to figure how to get the car. And hoping that when I have the time to get to it, it will still be there … and in GREAT RUNNING ORDER. AND… the cost of the registration, inspection and insurance. Oh well… – 22.57 WHAT AT DAY!!!!! I stopped to chat with Rachel this morning and didn’t leave Fuklin until 11.30!!! I asked her about the guy selling the car. She said “Iffy”. Well of course! He’s “Fuklin”! The whole town is “Iffy”! I remember the “help? and “kind words” from Dick Wright when I got here. Truth? I’d call that dealership “Iffy”. The whole town’s “Iffy”. Anyway… HEAD-WINDS ALL THE WAY TO SHELDON! No rain… BUT HEAD-WINDS! I got into the office at 12.35! But apparently nobody noticed so…fukkem! – I brought my grinder with… the one I bought last evening. It wasn’t too soggy and was SO welcome when I got into the office. I always have an appetite when I get there. I have an appetite when I’m not here. – The day? WOOHOO! Non-stop again! My trays and bags and such arrived. New boxes arrived. I made a binder of my own info (and it had better not move!!!!). The cow came in all nicey-nicey. The Town came in and actually said that they’re hoping I stay in that office!!! I mean… SHIT! THEY like haivng me there.. leave it to Fuklin to be shitty. – Got a call from “the boss”… WELL! Lookie here! The schedule’s changed again: Instead of a straight Wed-Fri at Fuklin next week, on Thurs. I’ll open Fuklin and at 11.30, bop back to Sheldon! TWO offices in one day! I can do it (I think) and it’s actually better because instead of having only 4 hours at Sheldon, or 6 at Fuklin, I’ll have an 8-hour day! (I have to wonder though: is this just cramming extra hours at me before I’m dumped? No way to know until…) – At 16.15 some guy comes in… needs a MONEY ORDER! SO… I take out the machine, and he tells me that the envelope is sealed and asks if I could open it! SO? I did… calmly. Took my time with it though. – Made y deposit, got all the shit together and… looked out the door to see Bobo waiting there! I wasn’t planning on that and quite honestly? It wasn’t rainy so, seriously… why? But I got into the car and away we went. – Seems he created an “incident” at work by filling a water bottle with air and it exploded. We chatted about how stupid people in general are these days and whether he’ll be written-up or fired. HE says to ME “I don’t trust anybody these days.” HAH! He should only know. – Anyway, when I got in, Jester had bought (JESTER BOUGHT…) grinders for dinner. GRINDERS? AND… there was one for ME! I wonder why they’re feeding me these days. (I don’t trust anybody… I seriously do NOT.) – I ate with them and watched TV and then decided to go out to the barn to finish the hanged dummy! AND DID! It’s hanging on a hook on the front porch! Not too shoddy! And I “fixed” the stalks that had wilted with all the rain. It’s not “decorated”, but it’s a start. (Now to see if Bobo will put up the rest… lights and such.) Noting like last year. But… – Came in and showered. It was already 21.00. – Bobo’s talking about how “far” he went on his “elliptical” machine-thing. “5 miles!” I told him “Put in another 4 miles and you’ll make it to Sheldon!” It was my little way of saying “You’re out of breath and all from only 5 miles, haven’t gone any-where and such, and I do MORE than that in ONE-WAY biking!” Oh well… it’s not worth the thoughts. – And… the day becomes night and the “night” passes and turns to the next day, and I’m still sitting on the bed… MUST get SLEEP!

Thu.30.Oct: 0.41 FINALLY getting to bed! – 8.11 OVER-slept, but only by a bit. The alarm was set for 7.30, I dozed until almost 8.00. Honestly, I could sleep until 9.00 or even 10.00 and still be rather “on time”. But… – I slept “too well”, after a nice shower last night. – Funny… not… nobody sees the me who can’t breathe well in the morning, the me who’s exhausted in the morning, the me who drags about in the morning. Nobody sees, nobody would bother, nobody would even give a shit. So? nobody needs to know. – 6° now. Going up to 10 and cloudy all day. It’s chilly this morning and yes, cloudy. But, 30% chance of rain. Only 30%. Still… no reprieve. Hey! At least it’s not minus 8 and snow and ice. There are things to … what-ever. – 19.16 I got in at almost 18.20 this evening after a lovely bike… in almost darkness. The “Autumnal” times, they are here. – Had a corner of the lasagna that they’d had for dinner. And now I’m having rice cereal with egg nog and brown sugar. I’m HUNGRY! – 19.39 Her ladyshit’s terribly expensive telephone isn’t working up to snuff and madame is tossing jolly shit-fits about the house, including door-slamming! How mature… er… infantile. Well hell. HAD to spend the small fortune on a piece of shit you don’t “need” but wanted. Nope. No sympathy here dear. Screaming at one another. Honestly! Like children in a tantrum.- Anyway, the day went along quite well. I enjoy being at that office in spite of having to adjust to it… and the kindnesses of the town. The work goes along quickly in those 4 hours and is a pleasure. – Now, if only to get the car. Which, I thought about this evening on the bike-ride to the house. How odd, that I put a 1000 “goal” out there and STILL can’t get even that much. I appreciate the help from the people who got it started, but 660 out of 1000? The whole amount would mean reg. and ins. But NO! Stop short. NEVER give him the little he asks for! NEVER! – Before coming into the house this evening: creamer, cookies, egg nog. Saturday is new FS day and there was enough on the card for even tomorrow’s dinner. (Today’s was cottage cheese with brown sugar! YUM! and an egg nog too… YUMYUMYUM!) – I’m so tired now though that I’ll be getting under the blankets very soon. Hopefully to sleep through the night. Tomorrow is going to be BUSY! – 20.40 I’m dozing. The tea is on, and I’m ready for sleep. Sugar… I’ve had sugar. Hopefully it’ll put me right to sleep after tea. – 21.19 THERE GOES MY GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP! THE SUBIE WAS POSTED TO CRGSLST 11 DAYS AGO AT 1300! I WANT TO PUKE! I WANT TOGET ON THE BIKE AND GO SEE IF IT’S STILL THERE! I WANT TO PUKE!

Fri.31.Oct: 7.20 Yes… I fell right to sleep last night. Slept past the 6.00 alarm. I am awake. And I don’t want to be. I’m annoyed with and at myself. WHY? AM I SO HESITANT ABOUT THINGS THAT ARE SO TRIVIAL? WHY DID I NOT GO FOR THE CAR IMMEDIATELY? WHY AM I SO SHY ABOUT MAKING A TELEPHONE CALL? WHY DID I NOT TRY TO MAKE A DOWN-PAYMENT ON THE CAR? WHY AM I SO… WORTHLESSLY STUPID? NO CONFIDENCE! SUCH A DOUCHE BAG! A MORON! IDIOT! WHY? LOSING OPPORTUNITIES! WORKING SO MUCH HARDER TO BE PASSED BY FOR SO MUCH! THE “UNDER-ACHIEVER” AS EV SAID IT. AND SHE’S RIGHT! SHIT! ME! SHIT! – What a way to begin a day. WHAT a way. – It’s over-cast this morning, with a bit of sun-rise. And… it’s cold out there. Well… I’m getting what I put into it: shit! – 10.01 and after a 20 minute nap… the day begins… with a bit of sunshine. – Halloween. Fukkit. Imagine? No “decorations”. Too lazy. – 18.32 OH MY FUCKING GOD! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! OSTIE EN MARDE! OSTIE D’TABARNAK D’CALISSE DE LA MARDE DE LA VIARGE EN CRISSE! FUCK! BARKING BARKING BARKING!!! THE FUCKING DOGS ARE LOCKED IN THE “DINING ROOM” (THE BLOODY-FUCKING WALK-IN LARDER FOR THE BLOODY-FUCKING COWS!) DIRECTLY BELOW THE ROOM! Not bad enough I had some shit-freak come in at 16.20 again today, wanting a blod-fucking money order… AFTER I’d done the paper-work and gotten it all together! NO!!!! NOT bad enough! THE SHIT-FREAKS ARE OUT SPRAYING THE CONTENTS OF THEIR SEPTIC TANKS TOO… IN THE BREEZES! I CAN TASTE THE SHIT ON MY LIPS! NEXT? I LOST THE FUCKING CAR!!!! SOLD!!!!! GONE!!!!! FUCK ME OH SO MUCH!!!!! I COME IN, THE DOGS ARE SCRATCHING AT THE LARDER DOOR SO I GO TO SAY HELLO AND THEY RUSH OUT AND INSTANTLY HER LADYSHIT, FLOPPED ON THE SOFA, POKING AT PORN ON THE PHONE WHINES “THEY CAN’T STAY OUT HERE. PUT THEM BACK IN THE DINING ROOM!” FUCK YOU! REALLY! JUST FUCK YOU! JESTER’S LITTLE FUCKING WASTE IS SEATED IN MISTRESS’S LAP ALL COZY THOUGH! YIPPING AWAY. SO I SNAPPED: “I AM DOING JUST THAT AS WE SPEAK. THERE’S ONLY ONE OF ME AND TWO OF THEM!” GRABBED DIXIE AND PUT HER INTO THE ROOM AND THEN WENT INTO THE PARLOUR, GRABBED ELLIE BY THE COLLAR AND DRAGGED HER INTO THE ROOM AND CAME UP TO THIS ROOM WHERE, IMMEDIATELY, JESTER’S SHIT STARTS YIPPING DIRECTLY OUT-SIDE THE DOOR! HONESTLY? I’VE HAD IT!!! I’M ABOUT READY TO … AND WILL … LOOK FOR OTHER QUARTERS… NO FUCKING PETS! – Nope, NOT in a good place. And the fucking dogs are barking, yipping and howling. This night will NOT pass quickly enough… fucking brats and their scrounging for free hand-outs! Makes me sick! – 18.39 “Somebody get the door! I’m about to shit my pants!” yells her ladyshit. FUUUUUUUUUCK! – SleepyTime and peppermint tea steeping. An oatmeal cream cookie (double) at my side. WHAT I WOULDN’T DO FOR A BOTTLE OF VODKA… Fuck me, I have vodka… with bella donna in it… TWO jars! Tempting. –
WELL! TOMORROW, AFTER WORK, I GO TO GET… THE SUBARU!!!!
OK… so I left the house early today, thinking I’d get into the office early, intending to leave my time-card with Rachel and get on the road, but we chatted. She chats. So I didn’t leave Fuklin until almost 11.20! Took my time in the sun-shine…SUN-SHINE… AND… believe it or not, was in the market at 1215! I was impressed. Got my grinder and such and headed to the office to find that my mail hadn’t come yet! Well! So I got to put in the call about the car… and wait. Thankfully there’s enough to do in that office to keep my mind occupied. The mail came at about 12.50 but thankfully, there wasn’t all that much. The day swam along nicely until about 16.20 when some shit-freak came in with… AN EXPRESS! I had to RE-do ALL of the 1412! Oh well… it makes up for the “early” days, and no Bobo today. So? Fukkit. I was out at about 16.50 anyway and on the road, under the clouds and in the chill and still taking my time. I was a bit on the very “down” side anyway, having received no call on the car and being convinced that it was gone. – When I got into the house… the chaos that I’ve already put in here… so I was in pyjamas and ready for be immediately. – At just befoer 19.00 I’d gone out to get water for tea and as I got back into the room…18.49 as the records show, the phone! Kevin! THE CAR IS STILL THERE! We chatted a bit about cars, the Subaru and such and I told him I’d be there tomorrow after work to get it! YEAH! A CAR! AT LONG, LONG, LONG LAST!!!!! – After the call, I went down for a smoke, chatted with Bobo and Jester who were already on the road to drunk. Her ladyshit actually apologised for snapping at me about the dogs and told me that the barking is intolerable and that Bobo doesn’t understand. I assured that I do understand. And… I came back up to the room to let Rozie know about the car. – Got invovled on fesses-book for the longest while, mostly to take the edge off of the excitement. – So now, at 22.50, I’m just up from the last smoke of the day. A car-load of kids just parked in front of the store. I wonder where that’s going to lead. – My troubles now are: How to explain being able to get the car, getting the money together for insurance (and how to make that payment since I don’t have plastic and I’ll have to go to an office, no doubt), registration (which means having to get to a DMV… either in Burlington or Newport!!!), and inspection. MORE MONEY that I won’t have! I’ll have 100$ toward something. A down-payment on the insurance will be about that! (Progressive quoted me almost 650$/year on the insurance alone!) Well, I couldn’t expect it to simply fly by and be on the road on Monday anyway. So there’s going to be another week of hazard-biking. I wouldn’t DARE ask to borrow a car from those 2! So this will be really tough going. – But, last night, before I came to bed, as I had my last smoke, I prayed: “The car will be there… Please don’t leave me alone now.” Going to work today, I prayed “If I’m not supposed to have this car, give me a reason so I can understand and so it won’t hurt.” I’m almost in disbelief that both pleas were answered. But it seems they were. – So now, with terribly aching knees and thighs, I am in bed, heating pad on and I need to get some sleep in spite of the stench of cow-shit all over me. Ah… but soon, I’ll be able to get to and from work with-out being sprayed with that shit. How I look forward to that!.. To being “Human” again! – It’ been a most difficult year! A MOST difficult year. The difficulties aren’t over yet… but at least the main hurdle (the car) is coming to an end. AMEN!
What a way to close one month and begin another… Imagine, tomorrow is the 1st November! Quite the opening to the month! (Reminds me… another page in this journal too.)