LoupNordique

Sun.1 Jul: 23.24 Work went fine although the car stalled en route to. – The couple from Québec truly make the trip into work a total pleasure and the job, a joy. – By 13.00 I was SO caught-up with all, that it was almost relaxing. – No Silas today… he was feeling “meh”. Really. No rent/responsibilities and he’s feeling “meh”. – HomeDepot and Staples after work to find some kind of storage for my few things here. Found nothing. – En route back to the house, stopped at Mill’s Park, walked the trails along the river. Found my sun and water spot! Quite lovely, really. The park is rather large, well-maintained with just enough “wild”ness, especially along Brown’s River. And only just about 1km from the house! Walking distance! It will become my “S.cape Destination”. Had I brought the RedWings… – when I got to the house, left voice message for PJ. I do miss him and hope with all that he has no regrets about leaving here. – Talked with Motek… It’s always strained, he’s terrible to talk with, and the cell connections make it worse. But this evening… Familiar voices! – Back at Fran’s by about 19.30. Passed the evening chatting. I ate A(1) stuffed pepper. Hungry… yet “not”. It’s my depression. – By 23.00 it was time for sleep and time for Ms. to start banging things. WHY do THEY wait until it’s time to sleep to go rifling through shit?- 23.34 Calm.

Mon.2Jul: The car I put my heart into is gone. The e-mail came just as the financial logistics and transport to/fm Rutland were settled! Well… back to the research. Soon, all things will “settle”… Soon. – Odd (I smirk), Silas went to Pltsbrg yesterday. He’d only just recently said he wouldn’t. When I asked (via text) if he’d bring me to Rtlnd he replied he’d be back to SoBTV by 14-15.30. I’m fed-up. We “owe” each-other nothing but I’ve (stupidly) rather “invested” time and energy in him only to keep finding that he’s really rather irresponsible. Well… We live, We learn. – Cleaned Fran’s place whilst she was out today and I had the place to me. Kitchen and Hoovering mostly. – Having a rare opportunity, alone, not in the car, Nick got RedWinged in loo x2! But there’s a depression that’s taken hold and the results are rather visible. It’s NOT good and MOST un-settling. Still… TWO! – Work this evening and at SF, door locked, TV blaring, no answer to my knocks. I went shopping: coffee and bread for Fran, coffee and cereal for me. – TD TOOK MORE MONEY from my cheque! Probably the ID charge caused by bloody service fees! And they screw me by closing the chequing and turning it over to collections. – But tonight, ordered new phone on-line. Poss delivery on Thurs. or Fri. MetroPCS gone. Yet another piece of NY gone. Little by little by little. – Well, no car and now, no phone to think about. Storage is the worry. – To bed at… bloody midnight!

Tue.3Jul: SF 8-16.00 today. – Bad Bowels day. Cramps and Trots. – 22.49 Not a bad day, all told. The job went surprisingly well. I’ve got my 12-hour client back next week. – Deposited the 150 to Fran’s a/c and got 60 out of mine. Got 2 Dockers at the Goodwill for 4,99 each. 2 packs of smokes and some AHA for the face. – The car’s running a mess but there’s 12 grace days on the reg. – Nick got booted on the road but to no avail. Alas. This is annoying me. – Oh and Fran tells that Silas rang her to inquire about me (I’ve avoided communications x2 days now… tough shit.) – And now we’re all in bed at 22.54a and I need to figure what to do tomorrow until 19 or 20.00… rain in forecast, the Grands coming for the day. – Back to: leaving the house and trying to “occupy” the time.

Wed.4Jul: 8.19 And… awake… for about the 4th time. But rested. More like: as rested as I can expect. – 15.58 ShlbrnByPk alone, on the rocks (don’t I just wish). – And it was another OK morning with Fran. We DO chat about the most interesting topics. But she DID wake me thrice through the night. I NEED some REST! – And so, with about 4 hours to go until the “job” I hate, I get to sit, alone, on the shore of the Champlain, in heat and humidity. Gee… how NOT unusual. – Oh, I got a shitty WlMrt cloth “clothes closet”. Once again… temporary shit. But… isn’t that what the World is? Temporary shit. – Stayed at Shlbrne park til about 18.30. Then headed up for a Storm watch at Overlook on Spear St. – 19.28 car hit by lightning! The winds were so strong they caused major car rocking and brought trees down! At some times, the rains hit the car so strongly that all to be seen was white water! WOW! – But tonight, on the job, Mr. SF was quite OK to 22.00. Little bit if reprieve. -When I got in tonight, I immediately put the “closet” up and… Fran likes the shitty “closet”. Would like one for her. I’ll have to see to that. Meanwhile, she’d made turkey rice soup. I was starving so I had a bowl. – Bed at 1.00!!! AND She woke me at 1.30!!!

Thu.5Jul: 7.45 Back in pain. Left nostril sore. EXHAUSTED! And yaddayaddayadda chatty Mrs. this morning. I’m ready to fall asleep! – LaughingBoy(SF) tonight 20-22.00. Not too bad but once again, Madame decided that 23.00 was a wonderful and appropriate time to begin chatting in earnest… up til 1.00 the following morning! Fuk me and the fact that I WORK my body into death-like fatigue every day. It’s just true and factual inconsideration. And I pray that I simply fall asleep at the wheel, accelerate madly and careen off the road and into something that will bring instant Death… and Peace.

Fri.6Jul: Wasted the morning because I was exhausted from being awakened all bloodyfukking night and was too tired to get going to the doctor and arrived at about 9.10 for my 8.45 appointment and they cancelled! FUK THE BITCH! OK? – Went to MillsRiver Park for a 90minute nap in the CLOUDS! Of course, no sun and yet, much humidity and heat. Oh bloody joy! – Then back to the Cave of Darkness to install her new fukking toy weather-fukking-shitbox. – Tonight? In bed by 23.00 and… a-fukking-wake a-fukking-gain at 23.30! – MUTHUHFUKKUH!
14.06 WinskiLaundry: THIS morning? Woke at 6.00 and sure as shit so did she! But I got my banqye bal (470.00-some) (FML all that work for SHIT!) and checked her fukking weather box. Got out on time and to my 8.45 appointment! – After… to the PriceChprATM to pull 460 and to the Dollar Store for cleaners and to break a 20 for laundry. – Down to the ShlbrnLib to check the Storage balance… 318$!!!!! FML! REALLY! – ShlbrnPO for money order, Priority and Tracking. – Up to the laundry and… in this miserable heat, here I am. – Nice day for swimming and I’m just fukked with-out the pleasure. – PS: “No Silas” has been working quite well, I’m “accomplished”. It’s been about 3 days now. Uh huh. – Miserable day, just miserable. Death would be better. – With the moments left before returning to work, drove up to LeddyPk. 8$ charge! Screw THAT place too! – Ace Hardware at the little mall for… O-rings, alligator clips and hardware for pocket chain. My little “treat”… Nick. – When I arrived at the Client: there he was.

Sat.7Jul: 5.39 and 3 hours sleep of lucky. Just miserable. And of course, the loo is in use and she’s banging about in there. Woke me twice during the night. – A wall-hanging, extension cord? And we’re looking for some gas now. – 5.44… now we’re taking the shit from the wall-shelf and putting it into a garbage bag… NOW… NOW? FukkingKriste! – 22.02 Just getting to bed. – The drive in to work was fine, arriving to… having to cover desk and bkfst. And instead of thanks for pitching- in? “You have to make sure there’s coffee made.” Fukme, eh? That was followed by some PikiPakiIndian with a condescending attitude who essentially wanted 4 nights but one free. 4 calls to Ownership and just as I was supposed to leave, she comes meandering in to settle a 2-hour ordeal. – After work, against better judgment, I came to the house where, until now, I did my best to stay awake. Once, Fran suggested I lay on the couch (futon) to nap. Not. – Well, another day is done. Sans Silas or … anybody. Fine. And at 22.22 she was at table AFTER going to bed! I knew it.

Sun.8Jul: Made it to work for a generally great day: I got a charge released for a lovely lady; saw Mike yell at Dy (and I said nothing because she’d just screwed my paper-work again). – Two folks from SMALLWOOD checked-in! We talked about the area and they tell The Rustic is now somebody’s house! The husband knows The Retreat in Callicoon! (though it’s changed names many times over the years). I gave them rm 143… “My” room there. – A guy from VT checked-in with a GAWJUS “friend”! He got a really good rate and a very nice room, indeed. Too bad I didn’t go with the room! – After work, to Goodwill Wlstn for some work-shirts then to WalMart for the closet for Fran. – Tonight, the gas tank is full. – Mid-night.09 in bed.

Mon.9Jul: Spent the morning til about 10.30 at the house. No clients this morning. But HAD to get the fuk out! – Hannaford’s for lunch (sandwich, yoghurt) and off to eat lunch at ShlbrnPk at the picnic table there. Managed to get an hour in the sun, lying on the grass. Then to ShlbrnLib to check e-mails… Phone delivered! – Drove out to the house at 17.00. Tried setting-up phone but the bloody PC-shit (SLOW and CRASHING) and FE telling me when to leave for work got to be SO annoying, so I threw phone on the sofa and left. – Good night at SF, left at 22.00 – Back at the house, phone is a pain! I want MetroPCS phone! I FINALLY got in to work AND 8 msgs fm work! No 12hr shifts until further notice! – As I tried to get the bloody phone to work I commented that it’s a piece if shit and a waste of 150$ that I could use else-where so what did the old loon do? FE wrote a cheque to pay for phone! As I tried to work on it she said “Is that the new phone? It’s mine. I paid for it.” I said I’m trying to save my job! She got snarky and stormed to her room! I grabbed my sleeping bag and retired to the CAR for the night. There, I called-in hours, rang Silas. – Round mid-night, to… sleep… in the car!

Tue.10Jul: 8.14 Overlook on Spear. Been here from since about 7.00, putting numbers into the new phone and trying to stay awake. I hate the new phone. Truly. – Back is a bit out this morning and no BM so, I’m expecting worse. – Slept rather well (in the car) last night, but it got rather cold during. Woke with the 5.00 alarm, rolled the bed-roll and went into the house to shower. Madame woke at 6.00 as I was getting ready to walk out the door. I said nothing to her at all. – Her cheque is still on the table. – I’m not in a favourable frame of mind where she is concerned, this morning. I leave it at that. – 17.56 How familiar: Need to pee AND dump so badly that my back is going out! HOMELESS! Tired beyond words. No place to go to for a rest and I KNOW we’re going to HAVE to get into some bull-shit tonight! Bitch! – But Silas is off to work… chase… evenings. And the PO is contacting him with training schedules. Bravo! – My hours are coming back up. Good news for me. – Got a call to come into the motel at 14.00 today for some new training. Well, OK. Time “busy” and not in Jericho. – Got together with Silas. He’d made curried burgers, gave me 4! He waited in the car whilst I “trained” (new room safes) for an hour! Dropped him back at his place and scurried back to the ShlbrnLib to print another new calendar. – Drove up the 7 for 20$ gas… full tank! – Hannaford’s for bread and something for me to eat/drink tomorrow. I FOUND PUMPERNICKEL!!! – Finally got to take a stroll into the park on Swift. Interesting enough but certainly cruisy as advertised. Still, a nice place… – Jeri by 20.15 stayed in car til just past 21.00 – The place is SO tidy and Madame’s snoring in her chambre. – My back is SO painfull!!! I just NEED some REST! – 22.28 done. Cot up, sleep-roll out. Now to wait for the Old Woman to come out for coffee… and to wake me.

Wed.11Jul: 5.40 I don’t have to be at work until 13.00… but if I’m to garner any peace, I have to be out of here with-in the hour. Familiar? – Last night my back twinged so badly, I froze in place. This morning’s not much better. Tension… again. My fault: I shouldn’t care… at all; it’s not MY drama… here. I’ve got other things to be concerned about… of my own. – Stomach’s really bad too. – Well, another morning of “Fill in the time”. And it’s chilly again; no lounging in a park. – 8.06 Laundry started. And I made it out of the house in silence. Put the garbage out too. But my back’n’nuts are painful. As I sit here, I think of PJ and my first days/weeks here. How quickly it all changed and now it seems like years, rather than months. I’ve “settled” in this state. – 17.01 At Client’s: Managed to get to Loew’s for yet, another tool bag, for “swimming” things. Then, on to the rocks at ShlbrnPark. 2 hours in the SUN! A text from Silas went un-responded. I wasn’t in the damned mood. I want SUN and NO interruptions! And… I dozed about 45mins! – To the PO and off to wotk for my 13-19.00. Family and more family but Adam? HE SHOULD have stayed! That’s all I’m saying on the issue. – 21.55 She was sound asleep when I got in at about 20.30. Now, that I’ve watered the plants on the porch, re-strung the lights on the living-room ceiling, showered, set-up the cot? NOW… she sits at the table with coffee and cigarette! OK! Tell me it’s NOT intentional. Fukking senility? If I tell my-self that’s what it is, I won’t stew in it… until 4.30 tomorrow when my 3 alarms will SOUND! – Other-wise… the afternoon went well and oddly, I’m not exhausted (too pissed off and the cigarette stinks). – Silas rang as I was in Hannaford’s getting food for me tomorrow. The PO is getting him p.o.’ed. Well… so much for that. – 22.10 She went back to bed… not speaking to me… ppfffttt. – It’s now midnight.45… At 23.20 and again at 24.13 SHE WOKE ME! The woman CAN and HAS set herself up in her room… SHE TOLD ME SHE CAN DO THAT! Forgot? Nope… I don’t think so.

Shelburne Bay

(Monday 16Jul.9.00 W.Leb NH: bringing this all up to date this morning. Thankful to/for Silas and this chance to get things documented before they leave my feeble little memory…) – It was a miserable day, all told. I just couldn’t get my body and mind co-ordinated to do the things I knew I had to do for the Client, and, fortunately, he just wanted to sleep most of the day. The apartment is nice enough, clean and orderly, but there’s no air-conditioning and it was a miserably hot and humid day. Didn’t do much of anything for my general well-being. When the daughter came in at about 18.00, she was supportive and chatted… told me that I could leave about 20 minutes early. I appreciated that, but then again, it did me not much good because I have no place to go to… no place peaceful enough to get any rest. Going back to Jericho just does no good at all. But I left, driving in the fog of fatigue… again, unable to focus on much of anything, and trying desperately to focus on my driving. – As it turned-out, (as I recall this morning), I went to ShlbrnPrk and tried to get a little bit of rest, pass some time, relax. It did precious little in the way of getting any rest though because people were still coming to the shore. Not to mention that I didn’t want to be there too late, draw attention. So, after about 45 minutes, I was back in the car and on the road to… living Hell. – When I arrived at the Cave (dark, nasty odour, and HER!) she was sitting at table, having her coffee, as if holding court of her nothing and nobody. I sat, just about ready to collapse, and she wanted to tell all about her bloody boring day. I grunted a few responses and then finally, calmly, and apathetically, in a calm voice told her that I cannot continue this way: no rest, no sleep. Didn’t she feign understanding and tell me that she knows that I cannot! BUT… she made NO attempt or offer to change anything about her habits of keeping me awake all night! Honestly? The only thing that keeps me sane at this juncture is that I try to convince my-self that her sickness and hateful attitude is organic, a result of her diabetes and previous stroke. If I felt, believed, for even the briefest moment that this was intentional, I just don’t know what I would do! As it turned out, she simply let the entire topic go and talked about her own issues and her day. I gave up. What else could I possibly do at this point? She’s a mental idiot. – It got to be about 23.00 and I HAD to make certain that I got enough sleep for tomorrow and I KNEW that that wouldn’t be coming if I set-up the cot in the living-room so, calmly, quietly, I said that I had to get my “nap”… I fetched the bed-roll and went directly to the car… TO THE CAR to try for some sleep tonight.

Sat.14Jul: It was another rather difficult day, only because of the fact that I’m still rather sleep-deprived, but, all told, it was AMAZING! The day at the motel went by very quickly, orderly, and delightfully. I’ve no complaints at all about the day. What followed was even MORE STUPENDOUS and it became a DAY WORTH LIVING! – Silas came and met me at the motel after work and we were off on the road to… the Huntington Gorge! SWIMMING! ACTUALLY SWIMMING! CLEAR, RUNNING WATER! Not at all too crowded. Even Silas enjoyed the swimming. It’s not deep or rough or brisk-cold like the ocean, but it didn’t leave a film of salt on the skin either. IT AS JUST SUPER STUPENDOUS! Relaxing, enjoyable, and, being The Gorge, AMAZING! I think we arrived some time round 16.30 and didn’t leave until well round 18.00. And then came the added pleasure of being asked to join him when he goes to NH tomorrow! YES! GETTING AWAY FROM THE SHIT IN JERICHO? YES YES YES! (and when I think back to how I almost had to beg to go from Bennington to NH years ago simply to just get there…). Plans were made for the trip and, because I’d left the car at the motel, we parted from there. – At the Cave, I arrived to a quiet apartment, Sparky was alone in the living-room, the over-head light was on, but there was no sign of the Whiner. I thought she was in bed, sleeping, as she will, so I proceeded to open the back door to situate me for the night on the porch and when suddenly… THERE SHE WAS! SITTING ON THE CHAIR, SMOKING AND DRINKING COFFEE! THE ONE PLACE I HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM HER AND SHE’S MAKING CERTAIN THAT I DON’T HAVE THAT EITHER! I had to hear about the Mormons, I had to hear MORE ANTI-SEMITIC SLURS FROM HER AND DEVON. I didn’t care much about Madame’s reaction… I had to tell her that I won’t be around for a few nights. I simply told her that I’d been discussing the matter of my sleep-deprivation with the boss at the motel and arrangements were to be made to get me a “comp” room at another motel for a while. I told her that I was going to call-out on my Clients this week (she didn’t seem to care about that either) and just go… where-ever I could afford to go. Of course, her first reaction was “Oh! You’re going with Silas!” And I promptly dispelled THAT notion. Do I think she believed me? Probably not. But I don’t care… that’s just the problemme here now…. I just DON’T CARE! SHE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT MY WELFARE AND SO I DON’T CARE ABOUT HER’S. PERIOD! – And tonight, again, the time went by with her dragging me into exhaustion and yet… I had another night of rest, on the back porch. BUT TOMORROW… TOMORROW… OMFG TOMORROW…. NONE OF THIS SHIT FOR A FEW DAYS!

Sun.15Jul.: WHAT A DAY! A GREAT AND WONDERFUL DAY! TWO NIGHTS OF UN-INTERRUPTED SLEEP IN THE FRESHEST OF AIR! I’m not quite recovered, but am certainly MUCH better than I’ve been in a good long while! And waking, knowing that I was escaping from this darkness, this cave, this nastiness? It made it all the much better! When I left her this morning, I simply gave a peck on the cheek (formality) and trotted off to the car. Her comment “Have a good couple of days.” Yes, I shall! And YOU? Enjoy the fact that there’s nobody there for you to beat about in your psychoses. I was off and on the road! – The day at work went surprisingly well. I was completely done by about 13.30… with everything! And I had my little pay to travel along on. I was OK. – Silas met me at the motel, I left the car there. Odd… packing to leave was unusual: I’m actually living out of the car of late and so, everything I could want to bring along was right there! (Including the RedWings! OF COURSE!) In a matter of moments, I was in Silas’ car and we were off on the road. – A stop at the banque and then onto the Interstate. We laughed all the way to NH! And the sweetest and greatest part of the travel was when he told me that he was happy that I came along because he’d be other-wise so bored and would probably be looking forward to spending all his spare time in the motel room. It’s a comfort to know that my company is appreciated (un-like in Jericho where I’ve been made to have the feeling that my presence is more an inconvenience and that the offer of shelter is now regretted). – The drive was beautiful and when we crossed the Connecticut River, it was strangely familiar… I remember SO MUCH of that ONE, quick visit so many months ago with JS and Kelly. Lebanon is NOT un-familiar territory. I KNOW some area of NH! Imagine that! – We stopped at Shaw’s for a some PopTarts to hold us over. I dropped into CVS for cigarettes at 4$/pack, got 4 packs and change on a 20$! And we were off to find the motel. – At the motel, he upped the people to include me (at no additional charge) and so, I am here (I am here, it’s 12.02 on Monday as I continue to up-date) legit. The place is nice enough… though “my” motel is nicer. But I had great fun talking with the nice gal at the desk. The room reeks of “Old Spice” but I’ll manage to get through that. Better that than funk. – As a “funny”, Silas logged-on to OKC to find me somebody in the area (so that I can get laid… since that remains a concern for him… and he was most complimentary in his searches… telling me that I’m attractive and vibrant and that I should be looking more at 20-year-olds instead of 50). We found nothing and then it was time to get something to eat. All I could think of was Lui Lui in W.Leb. – We went in search of where Silas will be tomorrow for work. That too was great fun! And what a relief to learn that it will take only moments for him to get there in White River! – Off to eat. Silas followed Garmin. I knew the way (I know the way!). – Well, tonight’s diners were NOTHING like those the first time I was at the restaurant. Tonight was more like “An In-breeds’ Night On Pass”. BIG-HUGE disappointment for me but no matter what, I was in Heaven, no matter what. Our waitress, Courtney, was a doll and a half, great personality and voice. AND I HAD A MARTINI BEFORE DINNER! AT LAST! MY MARITNI! I had SO much to celebrate tonight. Truly. Peace… of mind, body and soul. Menu: Silas had a sea-food something on pasta and I had a really wonderful cheese lasagna. Filling! The bill came to 44$ and some change. I put in 20 and a 10$ tip. But it’s all so worth it. Truly and truthfully. – After dinner, an exciting trip to the WalMart where I got new sweats/pajamas… and NO TAX! and then back to the home-stead where we got comfy and by about 23.00, we were off to sleep. – WHAT A DAY! WHAT A DAY! WHAT A WONDERUFL DAY! For a while, I have PEACE!

Mon.16Jul: 12.41 NH! Just getting caught-up here. This morning, I woke several times before the alarm went off, Silas wrapped in his cocoon/comforter. I thought of haKalbah (of VT) and how she felt it her duty to wake me at what-ever hour of the day SHE woke, and I didn’t wake him, knowing that he’d set his alarm and that he’s responsible enough for his own time. But I woke in comfort… and PEACE. I heard him get into the shower and I went right back to sleep… I don’t think I heard him leave. – I woke at about 7.45, planned on getting the breakfast but was too lazy to do so this morning. So… I got right into journaling. – I’ve also gotten right into the RedWings and the pleasure of having them! – It’s another hot and humid day, even here in NH. I have little desire to go adventuring today. – Just finished a talk with Silas and from here on, I’ll “amuse” and “entertain” me… either on-line or simply lounging. This is my REST, REPRIEVE AND RESPITE from all the time of putting-up with the bull-shit! I will enjoy these days! And I most certainly AM. – This evening was quite fun and interesting and educational too! Silas came in from work a bit hungry and to be honest, I was too (since the only thing I’d had to eat all day was 6 PopTarts), so we got into the car and he referenced Garmin… OK. So that’s not the best thing to do in VT NOR is it the best thing to do in NH… we learned. Down the Interstate, in and out of VT and NH. And I DO mean, in and out… we kept crossing the CT River every time we made a turn! At last we were on the Interstate for a good drive and found our way to Claremont (NH) where we came across a strip mall… Silas had looked for a movie house playing Spiderman… and we got a strip mall in Claremont! WOW! Was HE ever depressed. Me? Not so much. It reminded me of many of the malls in NbgNY so, no particular culture shock there. We popped into the local liquor store to see what the prices are like in NH and I found them to be comparable to VT (and still better than NY… but then, so is just about everything). I bought nothing. Next, we dropped into the local K-Mart because I was feeling the air-conditioning today and wanted a bit of a sweat-shirt. They had NONE! NO SWEAT-SHIRTS AT ALL! Alas. – Back on the road for FOOD! And Garmin gave directions… only, Garmin insisted on making a right out of the parking lot, Silas took the left and, well, his turn saved us about 3 miles! Garmin is a piece of shit in N.E. So there! – Down-town Claremont and to a place called Ramunto’s Brick Oven Pizza, 71 Broad Street, Claremont, NH. Probably an old mill building that looks rather nice (old brick and beams… so pretense NYC!), very open, airy, etc. But the service was miserably slow and I actually saw Silas send half of his chicken parm back (no take-along)! My burger arrived cold. And Silas had to get up to get the check! The food was lousy and so was the service. It cost us about 34$ plus the 5$ tip (and we left cash… MY cash… leaving me with only 10$ to my name now… so that we wouldn’t have to WAIT to pay. I suggested just leaving; Silas wouldn’t). – Claremont isn’t a bad little mill-town, but that experience did it no good in our books. – Back on the road to return to WeLeb! and a night of sleep… after several episodes of FamGuy and Silas’ texting. – All told though? A truly delightful evening… We laughed our butts off. It’s doing me a world of good to be able to laugh… genuinely.

Tue.17Jul 11.45 I can’t believe it’s still before noon! I woke before Silas this morning but stayed out of the way. When he left, I stayed awake, got to some computer time and then went out to the lobby for WAFFLES! TWO OF THEM! which I brought back to the room. (I’m still stuffed.) – REDWINGS! YESSIR! I’m going to miss that aspect of this all. – The “DND” is on the door and house-keeping has left me alone this morning. No problemme there. – It’s rather hot and humid again today but the skies look like they want to dump so I won’t be venturing too far, if at all. – I NEED a banque! Have to look for one close by. – Tomorrow is check-out day. I’m NOT looking forward to that. – Got more hours this coming week from HISC… all with the pain in the butt. But, it’s more hours and more money and I NEED that more than anything else in the world right now… (since I’ve been getting un-interrupted sleep… in a BED… for the past 2 nights). OK. Time to get some more computer work done here whilst I may. – PS: This “living with” Silas has been rather fun… and a learning experience… for IF we decide to take a flat together. IF…

18/07/2012 at 7:36 52 e
Tue.17Jul (18Jul. 8.05) And so, dear Silas returned from work, rather exhausted, poor guy, but refused to take a break. He wanted to take in a movie (Spiderman) and grab a bite to eat. So… off we went, down the roads. I had to get to a banque (and, once again, drain the account dry – I HATE this existence!). No easy feat, that, here, in NH. So we looked-up the nearest and, according to the Net: back in VT. OFF WE WENT! Unfortunately, Silas depends on Garmin and I depend on the road atlas. Indeed, we were rather lost. BUT, as it turned-out, it was a delightful trip. We drove into Quechee and I got to see the Gorge (albeit from the bridge) AND the banque is in Woodstock! Fancy towns in old VT. And the scenery is just wonderful! Even Silas had to admit that it was good that we got to see some more of the state we now call “Home”. (And yes, the banque was much easier to find, had we not had the assistance of Garmin. But…) – Meanwhile, back in NH, we popped over to the local mall for a bit of Chinese food (beef lo mein that didn’t agree with me and Silas had more left-overs than I could imagine! And he didn’t bring them back. Something’s terribly wrong with this scenario. This kid EATS! and he’s not eating, although he IS doing McD’s during the day so he’s not starving. – To the film: It cost just over 11$ for BOTH of us to get in! But the candy (3 boxes) came to just over 8$. He got the tickets, I got the candy. – The movie was OK but it was filmed in NYC and I kept thinking, tearfully “That’s my Home!” Pangs of missing NYC! Imagine? This experience with Fran is making me home-sick for NYC. When we left the theatre, I actually snapped into a mind-set of looking forward to returning to NYC… to the Shelter! But then, the reality hit: It will be going back to Jericho and the cot on the porch! I quickly swept away all thoughts of return to VT and enjoyed the ride in the dark, in the rain. – Silas’ Mum suggested that he stay one more night, considering he has a driving test in the morning. I suggested that she’s right and at about 22.00, he rang VT to say that he’d be staying another night. The PO job provides greater potential for him, and he’s busting his all for it. To leave tomorrow and have to return would be insanity: work all day, drive back to BTV to work again into the night; a few hours’ sleep to drive back to WRJ for another day of work and then back to BTV for more work? Yes, the money would be good, but honestly, Silas still isn’t all that familiar with driving and to do so under fatigue? NOT exactly safe… for anybody. – And so, he got the room for another night and at about 22.30… the day was done.
Wed.18Jul: 8.35 and the journalling is getting caught-up to-date and all is well in NH. Silas is off to work and I have yet another day of respite from the gnawings of the old woman.

8.40 and a call from Silas: Adecco is giving him shit because he needs the extra day away from jpmc! The PO is paying his training and instruction and Adecco can’t guarantee him job longevity! But true to their form, they’re putting him into a position that he doesn’t deserve! I understand the both sides of the issue but these are the times when I see how “young” Silas really is. Poor guy. If Life throws us at people who “need” us… I’ve been given Silas to show me just how fortunate I truly am… with time and age.

Wed.18Jul 21.42 I actually got a hair-cut in today! A good one at that! Hair, beard, moustache. Clean! Why? Simply because I had the opportunity. Looking good… but, for what/whom? Me… that’s all. Still, it feels better. For ME. – Silas returned a bit earlier than expected. I’d hoped for a second RedWing but as is my lot… interruptus. Alas. – He was exhausted. These have been stressful days for him and I admire him for seeing it through. And today, frikken Adecco pulled the same JPMC shit they pulled on me… dump. Fukkem! – We both lounged a while and he decided he wanted Japanese food for dinner. I haven’t had that since Zur! And he asked ME to drive! So iff we went to a place called “Koto”, off exit 20, for a 45$ dinner: I had 3 pieces of tuna and a Manhattan 5,95 each. Thd rest was his. I was hungry as all Hell but when I saw that most of the menu was 18-20+$ I aimed low. Yes, I was still a bit hungry, but the Manhattan helped squelch the hunger. – Funny: We drove back to the motel (he drove), into the parking lot… and right back out to McD’s. McFukkitz for me, a fish sandwich and “Flurry” for him, and I paid the 15$. – A stop at CVS for cigs at 4,95$ per pack and back to the motel for the night. -Tomorrow… to VT. I don’t want to go. – Well, it was great… 3 RedWing days! They were a great investment!

Thu.19Jul: 7.44 The day of reckoning. We have to leave. And I have to return to… something just about equal to the shelter. Pitiful, that I think of it that way. Pitiful, that I feel, in my gut, that I can’t simply be honest and tell the truth about these past few days. I NEED to get OUT and AWAY from that place! I NEED to get the money to get AWAY from that situation! – I wonder if the car is OK. I wonder if the tyres are still inflated. I wonder if it will start/run. – My guts are in knots. Oh what a beautiful morning. – Silas is still asleep. I’m entering this, seated at the desk, on the iPod. – I am awake… Why? Because that is how I am. But… I woke refreshed… a novelty. It won’t be happening again… for quite a while. – Fran is supposed to go to the doctor today, for the lettre, allowing me to be paid for staying there. I wonder if she’ll go. For some un-known reason, I doubt it. I’ve no trust… rather, I trust her to fuk things up. – (Fri.12.48) Silas and I had breakfast together at the motel and we checked-out and I went to WRJ and waited in the car while Silas did his road test. Rang BarbT. She almost made it sound strenuous to talk with me. Cut the call when her doorbell rang. – Tried calling Moe/Ev at Queens & Waubeka. No answer. Spent over an hour with PJ though. Great talking with him! – We stopped at a Chinese buffet in WRJ before heading back. – My guts were wrenched and painful and draining at their will. I didn’t want to go back… to Burlington and especially Jericho! – The drive back was glorious! VT truly is beautiful. The hills, trees, brooks, rivers are delightful! I need to separate the shit(people) from my personal enjoyment. – When we got back, the car was fine in the D’sIn lot and I BOLTED to the loo! BOLTED!!! The troubles in Jericho were working on my guts. – We dropped by the ShkbrnLib ( neither of us in a hurry to get back to the “home-life”), then a drop-by to Hannaford’s and then… we parted back at the motel and I was en route, to Hell. – Madame was in bed when I arrived at about 20.09. Typical. I feigned joy at being back, and storied: 4 days in the car on the Northway/Adirondacks. Fuk huh! She immediately went into her own schpiel which included:
-*I* needed respite because *I* was being an arse.
-She wants me to sleep in the bed-room.
– Dr. already submitted papers to pay me as “Over-night” Caregiver. I expect her to use that against me.
And then, back to HER “normalcy”: Sleeep at just past midnight. Bitch.

Fri.20Jul: 13.05 Almost fired from HISC! The issue from last week, caused by fatigue, caused by a completely sleepless night, caused by Fran led to a formal complaint lodged via e-mail: HISC didn’t get paid for the 12hours I worked, I was accused by Michelle of filling the ashtray with cig.butts (all were her’s), and my termination from employment was requested!!!!! THANX FRAN! FUK YOU from now on! Fortunately, I’m still employed.
Bed at 1,00 on 21Jul

Sat.21Jul: 23.32 in the car, feeling as if I have fever: hot, sweats. Delightful. – Late start this morning, of course. These sweats are probably burn-out. And en route to work, the brakes started to go! It’s close to impossible to stop the car; especially great on back roads. Doug knew… I’m glad I didn’t pump much into paying this off. – Work went quite well; quite well indeed. – After work, Silas met me at the motel and we were off to an evening at HUNTINGTON!!! Relaxing. Swimming. Down-time for both. I felt refreshed, in spite of being SO BLOODY TIRED! Hntnhtn is beautiful: clear water, moving water, evergreens, calming, soothing. – Tonight’s pay-back: I walk in at 21.30 and Fukall is on the phone, yammering. I was so exhausted that I couldn’t stand up! So? So I went to the car for the night. No talk, no argument. Just fatigue. Just the car. – Good thing I keep my clothes in the car these days and my “car comforter… – Odd she’s gone to bed at 23.15… when i’m not there… but won’t go before midnight when I need sleep!

Sun.21Jul: This morning I woke with cramps and runs that hurt terribky. Even to the point of having to leave the car to go back into the house to dump. The trip in to wotk went well rniugh but WHAT a miserable morning at work! Alexis was in over-drive, the desk was full of her manicure crap, a guest was bitching about an extra charge. Then Amy slaps paper on the desk telling me I need to look up a license plate because an umbrella flew off the gallerie and scratched the hood! Meanwhile, Alexis is promising money to the irate guest whilst I tried to figure it all out. At one point, I was ready to QUIT. Actually made it to the car then went back. – The rest of the day went by “normally” so… – THEN… Silas fetched me took us Brighton Falls which is nothing short of stupendous! Too bad it was just too chilly to swim. But those days will still come. Funny: As I changed from trunks to jeans, my back was toward Silas who noticed (and commented on) my balls! He saw term from behind! It became the running joke the remainder of the evening. It was a brief visit to the falls but certainly well worth the trip!!! – The arrival back at Jericho brought nasty news: the Mormon daughter-in-law arrived with grandson! Says Fran, they’re staying for a visit! I was pissed! But later learned that Melissa rang today to announce the visit then arrived with luggage! she and Deston are/will be sleeping in Fran’s room, Fran in living-room so tonight… I passed the night on my cot outside, no shelter. – (PS: the grandson didn’t speak to me at all! Rude. But I just don’t care!)

Mon.22Jul: Woke at 5.00, in the house at 6.23. The pillow and sleeping bag were wet from dew. How charming! I just hope they don’t take on the stale stench of the house! – Nrs. Fran was ever so chatty this morning! – 12.14 N. Wnoski laundry. So much for being here at 10.00. Oh well, no rush. Melissa and child will be at the house AGAIN tonight. Add… the other TWO grands will be there on the WEEK-END! I HAVE TO WORK 7-15.00! Last night Silas texted that this is Fran’s way of getting me to leave. Then Fran said Mel and child showed un-announced. Today I believe Silas. The kunt IS making it impossible for me to stay. Indeed. Well, I pray her efforts against me are returned… in short order. – It’s another miserably hot day and there’ll be no Silas in it. Tomorrow will be a completely empty day as Silas will be at work. I almost dread. But I’ll manage. I always have. Still, today, I’m tired, sweaty and weak. – To round the day: After laundry I went to the PO to learn that my food-stamps AND insurance are to be adjusted! or cut. The paper-work is due back on the 25th July! It was bound to happen. FML – Accompanied Silas to his clinic visit today. Honestly? Drama Queen Plus! He’s more VT than he imagines: drives like them and over-reacts like them. A stop at the Jamaican deli where he got curried goat and I git sorrel and ginger beer. Then a visit to FAHC for some otolaryngeal scope resulting in nothing but a need for CT follow-up. He pooped-out after that and I was free to… – Off to WalMart and Dick’s… TENT shopping. Oh… in a MAJOR BANGER of a rain STORM! (car with-out brakes?). I took my ever-so sweet-arsed time at both and walked out of Dick’s with 105$ worth of tent and tarp! THIS staying by Fran is COSTING me MONEY that I CAN’T AFFORD! I’m SO damned pissed! But maybe I’ll find a place to long-term camp and get the fuk OUT. Tonight, how-ever, was expected to be a “car night” away from the calamity of the house-hold. – As it turned-out, I stayed in… and let the bed-roll dry. BUT ANOTHER night of MID-NIGHT (and Destn ignoring me… absolutely… little shit).

Tue.23Jul: 13.00 ShlbrnLib and this morning I got to sleep-in until 8.25! BFD. But OK. – Out the door by 10.30 but… This morning Fran hands me a new SD chip and 2 adaptors for the phone! I wonder what’s up her scheme [sic]. Terrible thing, this not trusting absolutely ANYbody. But I’m in a NY State of mind of late: fukkemall! – This morning’s accomplishments: Goodwill Williston for a Jaegermeister shirt, nice solid tie, “PowerStroke” (Ford) diesel cap; on to the banque to change my pay-cheque (need cash since blowing 105$ for a bloody TENT last evening) (oh, FML), ShlbrnPO for money order Storage and to here. The day’s gone by quickly. – I wonder if I’ll be seeing Silas today… doubt it, but. – A touch fatigued and hungry. But, here I am. – 13.23 message from SB… where am I… and calling me! I can’t talk and am just catching-up on this journal and have things to do! (And am getting dozey in the heat in here.)

24/07/2012 at 14:45 36 e
15.45 ShlbrnLib and I’ve managed to transfer files from phone to Flash AND RE-do my application for FS AND Medical! Got a couple of messages from Silas and when I asked if he was thinking of going swimming his reply was that he didn’t know but that he has head-ache so I decided to stay here and catch-up with as much as I can. I’ve ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING TODAY! And now? Now it’s time to move along to… I have NO idea what/where. But I’m movin’ on.

Tue.24Jul: 21.45 Jericho. And I see my posting day/dates are off! And I posted this already! Fatigue. Sleep deprivation. This bloody situation! FML. – It was a typical non-welcoming welcome. Rude is all. They’re crass snd rather classless. Dukkemall. – Went to Hannaford’s for some food and as I re-packed in the car, Silas strolled by. I sent texts, he found me in the lot, we sat, ate, talked a while and he left me to go home… to sleep. SLEEP! Oh what I wouldn’t give for that! – I slow-drove back to Jericho. – Nick has become quite attended-to of late: I tend to drive dedicating much attention. Indeed. – And the evening flowed until Madame declared bed-time.. 22.30. I opened the cot inside tonight.

Wed.25Jul: 12.53 and back at ShlbrnLib. No air conditioning… again. And no computers, no tables with electric. Relegated to an uncomfortable (but tasteful) chair. – This morning at Jericho was a new lesson: Destin is a most classless child of 6 and his mother, equally so. The child ignores me, then plays round my back-pack which was placed in a corner, out of the way, mother paying no attention. Then there’s the issue of finding child’s turds in the un-flushed toilet. Bacon cooked for breakfast made me SO nauseous! I got up at 8.30, following a restless night, made coffee in the loo, smoke with Fran on porch and went into “Escape” mode. – A slow drive to ShlbrnPrk to sort through back-pack papers and to take some sun and then… here I am, ready to doze… FATIGUE! – 20.50 Jericho I amaze me, really. Passed about an hour at the bay then a couple of hours at the library. Then came the calls: (a) NO WORK fm HISC until WEDNESDAY! FML! (b) Silas, SO tired! Yes, well he would be; accustomed to whore-hunting until 2am and sleeping until 10.30. But this shit about telling me we’ll meet and then calling to “crap out” is just, well… As I told him this evening: He gets to go home and rest whilst I get to drive aimlessly in my fatigue-fever. No sympathy here, nope. – But and so, I have 44 days on the phone now (piece of shit that it us). Storage through August is paid. And now I’m planning on a trip to NYC to get out and away from this bullshit here. Meanwhile, I returned for a 20min nap on the bay, followed by a new route back to Jericho. This run brought me past Lake Iroquois and a delightful ride it was. Even Nick got taken care of after a day’s tease. – I arrived at Jericho about 90mins ago and gave been sitting in the car doing Twitter and listening to the radio. It’s getting dark (and chilly) now so I’ll have to get inside (and there are TWO skunks out on the lawn, in front if the car, HUGE skunks! so I’m rather trapped. Nr.16 put a flood-light on so the little fellers are visible. Cute.) – 22.22 Came in. Ignored by the Mormons. But I’m told the little one made me a sugar cookie to apologise for waking me at 6am. Fukkim. Thank you. At 21.30 they were JUST talking ” dinner” having gone with a group for large lunch today (I had 6 PopTarts ALL day.) – Well, amazingly enough, the other 2 ate in the bed-room, Madame ate a LARGE sandwich at table (offered me bread) and at about 22.45, the lights went out. Me? I slugged-back a vodka and put my head down, on the pillows on the cot in the living-room. Done.

Thu.26Jul: 17.47 Overlook on Spear. The day? Woke rather rested at about 8.00. The vodka last night helped tremendously! – Fran suddenly broke into tears at the table. Remembering Bob. Part of me wishes I could sympathise but, considering my own past, my Mum, I have no sympathy. Considering the absence of consideration for me around this place, I have none. Furthermore? I just don’t care. – Out by about 9.30 and off to WalMart in search of a new toothbrush. The electric from Jean Coutu is dead. Another piece of Montréal is gone and I’ve no way to replace it (there). A stop at Goodwill first: black t-shirt and green henley (green at half price). – So… WalMart, Walgreens, Kinney… WalMart, at about 30$. Then, off to ShlbrnLib to sort out papers in the back-pack and get on Twitter and Fetlife on the iPod. Fun there. A few hours’ worth. – Meanwhile, a Food Stamp re-cert interview and s call from HISC. FS wants copies of July pay (I went mad looking for 1… found 2… received the latest today). Case remains open but will be adjusted accordingly. – HISC? Shit for hours, 1 case all next month: SF at 2hr spots! Fukdat! – To Hannaford’s: meat, rolls, V8, dinner. – A quick stop at Goodwill. Almost got a brown leather jacket for 10$ but resisted… had it been black… – On to the overlook to eat. Interrupted call from Silas at about 17.15. Just getting out of work. The call got dropped. – And here I am… BFD.

27/07/2012 at 15:59 12 e
So to continue: (It’s Fri.27Jul:7.41 at the motel) I forgot to mention that, this morning, en route to the day’s activities? I’m driving along the Oak Hill Rd., past the “red barn” at the other side of the dip and… what do I see standing on the side of the road, staring at me as if I were some sort of stranger in the neighbourhood? A COW! ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE FENCE! WELL! OK then. A toot on the horn and Ms. Bessie just looked at me as if to say “Yeah? So what?” and off Iwent. – Then, this evening, en route back to the Hole, as the car stalls along the route and I’m heading down the N.Wlstn, low-beams a-glow… A FOX! It’s been YEARS since the last time I even saw one, and I had to chuckle to my-self: How wonderful that I had a child-hood that prepared me for these moments… cows… fox… deer. – Anyway, the rest of the evening, following the library, went along the lines of: a trip to Hannaford’s for some beef, bread, coffee, V8 and a quick trip to the Overlook where, suddenly, Silas appeared. He’s been so exhausted these days, getting used to working and having to wake at the hours I usually wake. He was so tired this evening that he had me drive up into BTV for a Chinese dinner (where he then proceeded to tell about this new “flame” he’s been a-courtin’… so I now have NO sympathy for his fatigue!). Dinner done, I dropped him back at theOverlook… and we headed in our own directions. I went to the Dollar Store to get dryer sheets; I’m putting things into the trunk and clearing out the backseat at last! – Then came the night… THE NIGHT! I think I arrived at the Hole at about 21.30 or so. I wasn’t looking forward to being there in the first place but then came the call… or the message anyway (the fukking phone won’t forward my 802 calls!). Needed at the motel TOMORROW! Well OF COURSE I’LL GO! ANYTHING to keep away from that house! So, I started to go into the house when I saw, through the kitchen window: Ms. Arkansas and the Brat-boy were lounging on the futon and Ms. F. was no-where to be seen! TV on, and not wrestling. So I wondered… and then I stopped wondering and decided it would be in my best interest to spend the night in the car… Better than going in there and having to stay awake until mid-night or 1.00 and listening to the rattle-clap-trappings of those fools. And so, I went back to the car, got the comforter out of the trunk and tried to become comfy for the night. – Note: Keeping in line with the motif du jour, tonight brought the 2skunks to the lawn again. Cute little fellers, but OMG! I admittedly felt a bit trapped. Still… At least I wasn’t in the tent or in the open? Yup. – Well, getting comfy in the car was out of the question. For some reason it just wasn’t happening… ALL NIGHT! BUT, at one point, I don’t know why I happened to notice, Ms. Fran came to the car. I’d thought that she was asleep because when I looked into the house I didn’t see her (napping, again, no doubt?). She just looked atthe car, in the dark, and walked away. I know I was situated so that I wasn’t obvious, in the back seat (UNCOMFORTABLE!) but I could see her. I don’t know what time that was but it must have been quite late (at night) or really early(in the morning). But shortly after that? I dozed-off… AT LAST! – ANOTHER NIGHT IN THE CAR! THIS SHIT HAS GOT TO STOP! IT’S SO TOO MUCH LIKE BEING BACK IN THE SHELTER! THIS IS NOT WHAT I CAME HERE FOR… NOT, NOT, NOT!

27/07/2012 at 16:05 22 e
Fri.27Jul: And so, here we are, 17.00 at the ShlbrnLib. The day at the motel went by rather quickly and, all said, uneventfully. I can’t believe that I put in the whole shift today! I was dead tired (as is usual). – Anyway, this morning, I woke with the alarms at about 4.45, managed to gulp the remainder of my bottled instant coffee and pee in the pee-bottle in the car and then went in search of work clothes. How wonderful that I now keep my clothing in the car! This just is the SHIT! (Thanks for the hospitality there, Franny.) Couldn’t find under-wear (haven’t been wearing any for the past several days anyway) nor my tie! But… after folding the comforter and putting it back in the trunk, I headed into the house… quietly. And would you believe? I MANAGED TO GET IN, GET MY TOILETRIES, TAKE MY SHOWER, GET DRESSED AND LEAVE AND DIDN’T WAKE ANYONE! DAMNED AMAZING, I AM! Did find the under-wear and the tie… the tie was in my shoes… brilliant of me. – OH! THE SCREEN-THINGIE IS BACK UP ON THE BACK PORCH! THEY PUT IT TOGETHER THEMSELVES! Of course, in all probability, it’s been done for the week-end coming for the little children… CHILDREN/BRATS. I could have slept in there, on the porch, on my cot, stretched out, comfy last night but… WTF? Y’know? I’m just impressed that it’s up again and that the PVC pipe did the trick. (OK Mr. Preston… eat shit and die. You, with so much to say against me.) – The drive to work was un-eventful… well… as is common these days with the brake-gas-downshift and almost stalling. – And now, this evening, I’m spending time passing time here until I have no choice but to return to there. The other 2 kids will be there tonight (no doubt) and I just don’t want to be bothered. I’m TIRED! – OH! One more note: How odd it struck me last night… when I’m not in the house, the lights go out and all go to bed at about 22.30 but when I’m there, the party goes on until about/after midnight! So who wants to fk whom? What-ever, I shall do what I must for as long as I must…
SHELTER MENTALITY RULES AGAIN!

Fri.27Jul: 21.34 Jericho. Parking lot. (Sat.28 back where I left off…) Well, I got an 8,5hr day in at the motel after a night, a miserably restless night, in the car. Woke at well before 5.00 and managed to get into the house, shower, and such, and make it back out with-out waking anybody! Stealth (and PTSD). And it wasn’t a half-bad day at work either! – After work, well, I don’t recall too much, really. But fatigue is gripping me an stripping my mind. I do recall stopping at ShlbtnPk for a tin of pasta, on the rock. It’s back to that… VERY MUCH the same as the Sheltwr Days. Silas surprised me by coming by for a while. We parted as he drove, determinedly, out of the park. I went about going round to find some wooden lettres to put Thmprbtv in the back window of the car… AC Moore and such. Missing lettres! Shit. Oh well. – When I got back to Jericho and began the entry here, Ms. Fran came to the car. “Are you coming in tonight?” She had “news”… CthdrlSq accepted me as her over-night CareGiver. Now, let’s see if I’ll make any (ANY) of the income that was rather promised. – And tonight, I slept inside, on my cot. – And Fran says she’s exhausted… hasn’t napped all week. (Pfffttt…)

Sat.28Jul: 21.19 and today went quite well, all told, at the motel. Hectic, but good. – My right thumb and hand and arm is SO BLOODY PAINFUL! After work I HAD to get an Ace bandage to immobilise the thumb, support the hand. The pain makes me nauseous and so, a day with-out food… again. (Very much like the Shelter days… again.) – 21.33 and I’m sitting in this car, falling asleep. In the house, 3 children, an odd daughter-in-law. I don’t want to go into that… and hear that they won’t be going to bed until 23.30 or so. – Tonight is “on the porch” for me. I had to buy a plastic drop- cloth to fend off the dew! – I keep thinking how much this ‘stay’ here has cost me: tent, cloth, driving aimlessly to avoid coming back here, the gas money alone! CthdrlSq had better get me money! – I’m EXHAUSTED! – 23.03 in the car. At 22.00 I walked into the house, Fran at table, Melissa in the kitchen, lights off, Devon’s little ones in the living-room and Preston’s spore in the bed-room. Brief chat about my hand and as I was preparing to go to the porch to sleep… The Mormon takes her milk and Oreos OUT TO THE PORCH! So I spoke, briefly on the matter and announced I’d go to the car, got my back-pack and left. I put up with abuse and inconsideration all day AND get it HERE as well! As I said before leaving the house: the Shelter was easier. – Had a tin of pasta, V8 and PopTarts. I’ve eaten. – Can’t get comfortable because of my hand. – The guy in 16 was just out for a smoke and so, knows I’m in the car. Fukkem. I hope Fran can explain accordingly. I don’t care, really. Not any longer. – Yes, I do believe there’s an effort to get me out. – Now I’ll go to work AGAIN after half-sleeping in the car. – May my discomfort befall the Elizarde family at least 100-fold. This, my night-time prayer. – And, by the way… the house is in darkness… THEY’RE gone to sleep.

Sun.29Jul: Full day at motel in spite of pain in the hand. – Sun.29Jul: It was a hectic morning at the motel. So much is mostly a blur. It was almost a matter of “Drop And Run”! Right from the beginning, the toaster went because somebody plugged it into an extension cord that had melted-down! AmyHousekeeping was on me because the guests wanted toast! So? We got another toaster from Pat, and Amy plugged it into the same cord! A guest noticed the frayed wire and told me. As I went to un-plug the second toaster… POP! Shorted with an arc and a few annoyed guests! I removed cord and toaster to keep somebody from being killed! – Then came the check-outs… bang, bang, bang. No trouble, at first. But then Lady Dy showed up, medicated to the gills, buzzing about and assigning rooms that hadn’t been checked-out yet! (The usual shit.) At one point, she made a nasty comment about something gone wrong concerning guests/rooms and I calmly replied that I don’t have trouble until others do things with-out telling me. She was miffed! When she left, it took the better part of an hour to catch-up with just the Reg/Folios! But… I did it! So well, in fact, that I had almost an HOUR of “down-time” for the first time EVER! – THEN!!! LAST MINUTE… Québecer comes in, wants to rent a room, THEN, and wants to pay CASH! I couldn’t remember HOW! Tried “Pre-Pay”. Nope. Then “CA”sh… Well, It generated a Reg so I guess it worked. As I’m doing all this screwing about, Ms.Shannon arrives for the next shift, with boy-friend in tow, and I wanted OUT! I’d hoped to get some swimming in today… Silas was coming by. I’d been caught-up and ready to float out until Cash-man fukked that so… Adjust cash sheets for Ms.Shannon, gather paper-work (copied pay stubs for VHAP) and boogie for the door… didn’t even stop to change. – Silas was out back when I got out. We sat in his car a while then took a spin… to no-where. He’s very tired of late. He’s learning how I am most (if not ALL) of the time. If I could muster sympathy… but I can’t. Too many years of it my-self. – So… back to the parking lot and on my own. – A few back roads back to The Hill and… in for the evening and night. –

Mon.30Jul: Citation! Embezzlement! 375ml vodka – Fran was quite the gal! – Great talk. Melissa and Destin angered her. She’s glad they’re gone.Sun.30 Jul: GONE! The maddening crowd is GONE! Peace (of sorts) returns to the homestead.
Mon.30Jul:Accused of stealing and fired from the Days Inn today! Honestly, this business of being in Vermont has been nothing short of a pain in my bowels! First I get called “scumbag” by the bitch at the North Star, next I have to deal with the drama of rumours started by some fat, lonely, useless broads in St. Albans which dragged me into some sort of animosity with some douche in St George, follow that with being accused of beating some drunk whore in Shelburne and now THIS! And THIS has ended with a court appearance on my birthday! WELL! Welcome to the “Weird” state! The best part of the day? Fran advising me to stop at a package store en route “Home” to get some “Happy Juice”. Well, I did… and polished-off HALF of the 750ml. before crashing into sleep on the cot in the living room. – The day began alright… woke rather rested, headed out for some errands. Settled on the letters for the car and then browsed ToyzRus. Got an FM iPod transmitter (had to return it because it requires the newer OS and I can’t get that). Oh well. – Then, toward the end of the day, a voice mail from Dyan saying that the cash payment from yesterday was missing and to please call her back! Well! I DID! And bee-lined it over to give it to her since it was still in my back-pack. When I arrived, she was sitting in the breakfast area… with SHLBRN PD! SHE’D REPORTED ME AS AN EMBEZZLER! The cop informed me that this was a “FELONY” and that I could either go to the station-house on my own, accept being print/mug-shot or he’d arrest me and put me into the jail tonight! I went to the station-house. GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT! AND A FELONY ON MY RECORD! All these years of working in banquing and the PO and THIS DRUNK HUSSY will now destroy me? I should think not! – I went between laughing at the situation and feeling completely destroyed!
Sgt responded to mention of suicide
No support from SB
Drove to find vodka – Found it at Sunoco on the 15
Absolute on sale

Mon.30Jul: *Death!!!* – After a day of running about, as usual, trying to keep away from the house… a telephone message, from Dyan: A cash transaction from yesterday never got posted to the system AND the guest in room 122 wasn’t being allowed access to his room! I had the 260$ in my back-pack! It was the last transaction I’d done yesterday before leaving and, of course, wasn’t familiar with posting cash at check-in. After fumbling with the “pre-paid” posting code and it not working, I’d finally gotten a Reg. when the check-in posted as”CA”sh. All was well until… today. But I was just leaving ShlbrnPk, approximately 16.00 so I RUSHED to the motel to return the errant cash! Rang Dyan at, accordingto my phone, 16.20: “What? You’re breaking up. I can’t hear you.” End. I was on the Bay Road. – Got to the motel, parked in front. Went rushing in. Nanette on the desk, paid me no attention. I walked the 20/50’s corridor looking for Dyan or Mike. I walked the 30/40’s corridor. Nobody. I went down the south stairs to the 70’s and across. In the lower lobby, Mike was un-loading new mattresses. When I told him what I was bringing he said “You need to talk to Dyan.” and went about his business. I went back up to the lobby to find Dyan and a police officer seated at a table in the breakfast area. I went to the table, told Dyan about having found the cash in my back-pack and as I went to hand it to her, the cop took it and asked me to sit in the lobby and wait. I did… for the longest while… being ignored. I watched TV. Some time later, the cop told me it would be a little longer because the computer up-stairs wasn’t working. I still was thinking it was all about somebody having trashed a room over the week-end. But then, even some MORE time later, the cop asked me to sit out on the back porch to talk “privately”. Seated at a table… BANG! ACCUSED OF EMBEZZLING! A BLOODY FELONY! The stupid bitch filed charges! Well, after taking my side if the situation and comparing it to her side coupled with the video, the cop repeatedly tried to make me admit to having stolen the money that I’d just returned. When I wouldn’t, he gave me the choice of being arrested there or going voluntarily to the station where, no matter what, I was to be printed and mug-shot! I went on my own, in the Ford, alone, directly. (En route: voice-mail at BOTH Fran and Silas… Me, ALONE, as USUAL, Fukmehard!) – Yup, booked. Arraignment date? My 57th birthday. Well? FUK YOO VERMONT! I’m finished! No more of THIS shit! Time for the BellaDonna Martini! In the Adirondacks! Though Champlain’s currents travel NORTH… HOME! To PEACE! AT LAST! – I’m leaving details out of this now because I’m tired and sick. But at booking I made a snarky reference to persons of lesser stamina killing themselves and the hottest desk sergeant came to psych-eval me. – When it was done, I got Fran on the phone. SHE suggested stopping and getting a bottle of “Happy Juice” and… so I did. Absolut, on sale. – Tonight I polished off about 75% of a 750ml… easy. – Time to… say “Good-bye”.

Tue.31 Jul: ShlbrnLib 17.42 Sick. Tired. Hungry. Afraid to eat for fear of losing my bowels in a mad rush of liquid! – Tue.31Jul: Up with the dawn and out the door. Slightly hung-over, a touch sick in the heat and humidity. I don’t recall much else about the day but… I made it through. Fukme. FukVT.
Paper-work to CthdrlSq posted. – Left the house at about 11.30. – ShlbrnPk to rest until 16.30. – ShlbrnLib until about 18.30.

(*NOTE: WEDNESDAY 19 SEPTEMBRE 2012 AT 1.31: I JUST FOUND ALL OF THIS DATE, JOURNALLED ON DA.WP! THIS IS THE CORRECTED COPY. THE ORIGINAL WILL REMAIN ON DA.WP BECAUSE IT SHOWS EXACTLY HOW FATIGUED, HOW WORN-DOWN, HOW EXHAUSTED I WAS, HAD BEEN, ON THESE DAYS!)