(Sunday, 18 September 2016, 13.50: Now I wonder… what evil lies lurking in the seemingly bucolic meadows and pastures here? Is there no peace, save to lie under night’s stars, counting breaths, waiting and hoping for Death to arrive? I believe…)
I have no doubts that these 5 years in Vermont have robbed me of 5 “good” years of, at the very least, “passably good” health.

Thu.1.Sep: 19.38 Just in from a round-the-house with Hallie and met Jes and Kerry out there. Kerry’s such a … walking with ski poles. Anyway, Jes noticed my gait and enquired and got told. They had no idea. OK. So it’s been a secret? Months of this? Secret? OK. Fine. It proves: not important to others. Selfish state. So long as their work gets done. – I got one row in the South garden weeded. You can see the flowers again. And hopefully, tomorrow, I’ll get the lawn mowed. I just want a good day. That’s all. – No word from Vincent again. I was up at 7.00 and in the kitchen by 8.00. Slow morning. Jacquie left at about 13.30. That’s when I weeded. – Came in from weeding, had 2 “buns” with the left-over CT turkey and changed the bag in and Hoovered the house. (As long as their work gets done…) – OH! Dorothy posted a photo of Michael on fesses-book! I showed Jacquie. “What a handsome man.” she said. I told her about him. She seemed, momentarily, interested. She was more concerned about a fucking nickle found in her Maryrose’s jacket! – Meanwhile… I’m worried a bit: There’s a hurricane hitting Florida and headed to SC… Donna! I hope she’s OK! (Dorothy posted photos of her. She’s gone from a 1960’s kind of gal to a dignified Southern lady. Dorothy’s a “Gra’ma” and Donna’s and elder Southern lady. Bless them both. Debbi is a Mum and Gra’am. Brian’s a country sort of guy. Tim looks rather like a “rebel”. Life… – I want out of it… very soon. –
*** VINCENT CALLED AND SPOKE WITH JACQUIE TODAY! SHE TOLD ME IN A TEXT (in which she also said that she hopes I an stay here until she gets back on Sunday… as if she believes I’d just leave Hallie! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE SHIT-HEADS HERE?). AND VINCENT BOUGHT “BITTER-SWEET BITTERNESS”! I SENT HIM A COPY OF “JOURNAL DAYS” TOO. BUT HE’S GOING THROUGH WITH BACK-GROUND! WOOHOO! PLEEEEEEEASE!?!?!?!?!?!??!!! *** 20.52
Meanwhile, the stomping and banging on the ceiling in the living-room tonight from up-stairs has been HORRID! I wonder… Twats. – Before closing today, I want to include, as reference and reminder, the “thread” of this evening’s messages between Jacquie and I. There was SO MUCH MORE I’d actually typed to send, but after some thought decided that it wasn’t worth the effort nor the saying. These people don’t “listen”… they “hear”. And even then, they only “hear” what strikes them. Then they take what they’ve selectively heard, twist and spin it round, concoct and create a story that serves them and their purpose, and use that as a battle cry, a cause of war, manipulated drama, to make some-one else appear horrid. No. It’s not worth speaking… especially the truth. To that end:

•Thu, 6:36PM via Google Voice Hi Jude hope all is fine in Frigglin! Vincent had left a message on my cell. I call him back answered all he asked & said you had most helpful for me & Hallie he thanked me and hope I’d find someone to help take care of my dog so I’m feeling sad but that’s part of life. Hope u can stay till I get home on Sunday. I have to go get pumpkin the fair . Let me how Ms. Hallie is tonight. •Thu,8:02PM Interesting that Vincent phoned you. Comforting to know he’s honesty interested. I’d given him your info because I’m here and as I say: I’ve nothing to hide. He’s offering quite a position there and should know all. I don’t know what you think of me that you’d even consider that I’d abandon Hallie. Very telling. No surprise though, really. I’m certain that you all feel the same about me. It makes no difference. But to even entertain the idea that I would simply walk away from the house and HALLIE. My my my. Telling, yes indeed. Thank you for being candid about your feelings though. Hallie and I just came in from making the rounds and “Chicken-checking”. Mme. is up there, tucked in her bough. Rockabye Mme. in the tree top, as it is. Hallie and I saw Jes and Kerry out on their walk too. They went on, Hallie and I came into the back yard for nightly “romp’n’frolic” and HUGGGGGZ and KISSIZ! And now she’s plopped on the floor. A burst of energy and boom… plop. She’ll have a couple snacks in a bit, another round about for “Tinkle-run” before settling in for the night. WOW! Pumpkin to the fair? You two are quite the couple: “Thelma and Louise Go To The Fair”. Hopefully you’ll both be able to get some good sleep tonight. But for now, from Down-town Friggling… Mme. is already nigh-night, Hallie looks like she’s about ready for nigh-night and I’m about ready m’self. So we’ll be back tomorrow evening and should anything exciting happen, we’ll report in. (It’s Frigglin. It’s a holiday week-end. Ya never know… BUHLEEVE ME.) Nigh-night for now. •Thu, 9:54PM Thank you. Sorry if it sounded like I thought that you’d just leave. But when I mentioned to Vincent how you would be missed he just said you’ll just have to find someone else to take care of your dog like I said before that’s life . I really do appreciate all you have done for us. I do wish I could do more for you but there is one thing about Vt.life is a struggle so sometimes it may seem like we are concerned about ourselve but we have to be some or else we couldn’t survive or be able to help others at all. Anyway enough of that. I know you’ll let me know when you will be leaving . It”s time for me to go nigh night Bon soire tout le monde. • Thank YOU. It’s typical Vermont. Just hit me quite hard to know that you’d think I’d abandon Hallie. Sleep well. Sweet dreams. •Thu, 10:32PM thank ymany times I had said how you couldo sou for hurting my feelings but you Sorry about the mixed up text I was just trying to express how so many times you expressed how much you couldn’t wait to get out of Vt. And sometimes it was almost insulting as if we where the worst things you had ever known. Well enough of that it sounds like Vincent will be greatful for your help I had only good things to say about you. Again thank you for your help during a most difficult time in my life & I hope I helped a bit and I know Ms.Hallie loves you and will miss you very much.

Fri.2.Sep: 8.48 Earlier than expected, considering I was up to “pinkle” at 2.00. And stiff in the buttocks this morning. But the doors are open. I’ve had my coffee and smoke. Fresh water for Ms. Hallie who is wandering about a bit. Over-cast this morning. But cool. I just wish I could wake up and not be in any pain at all. – I stood out-side the back door, looking at the yard, the lawn, the trees, the hills and thought (as I’ve done before) who familiar this place has become and it’s time to leave… again. But, should all go well, I NEED to get out of this place. It’s terrible, waking up in a place where it’s all “bitterness”. (I looked-up the difference between “angry” and “bitter” last night, before going to sleep. Yep. This is “bitterness”. All the write-ups were the same: Bitterness is “all-consuming”, long-term, tends to ruin the life-time of the one who is bitter, stays and never leaves. Negative. The truth. It is all of that… They say it must be gotten rid of. No, it won’t. The major difference between what is claimed and what “is” is, according to those “experts”: They claim it’s because of a perceived injustice and the likes… well, I do believe that my Journal documents that the injustices and such aren’t “perceived”, they’re factual. And there’s never been an apology nor even an attempt at rectification. And all culminates with giving 3 years of hard, manual labour, to the point of self-mutilation at this point, and a note: “You need to go. Get out. Go away.” Yep… that’s pretty much it.) – OK then. I’ve decided that, this week-end is going to be “Take It Easy”. Maybe my muscles and such need some “healing time”. So this week-end the “work” will be toward that. Yes, I want to get out there and mow the lawn. But I want to do that for “me”, so that “I” see a nice lawn. I’d like to finish the clipping and weeding in the garden… so that it looks nice to and for “me”. But to do so will result in nothing but “ME” admiring it, as I hobble about, in even more pain. I have to take care of me for a change now… there are bigger and hopefully better days to come. “Adirondack Park”. The “Adirondack Mountain Region”. The “Adirondacks”. It was a goal, an ambition. It was something and some place I thought of, even when I was a kid. And today, I’m almost there.
*** No matter what any-one else thinks, I am certain: Having come here, to Vermont, destroyed and probably shortened at least 5 years of my life. I’ll never get that back. But I most certainly don’t have to remain. With the 5 years fewer, I can and will, see the last bits of time, where I’ve wanted to be when time runs out. ***
And so, that said… we begin another day. – 9.18 Just included the “thread” of last evening’s messages and the last one that I hadn’t seen before sleep (sleep?). Jacquie says “as if we were the worst things you had ever known”… Once upon a time I said that about Albany, NY… today, how-ever, yes, Albany is only Nr.2. It’s as I told Jacquie recently, when she said the land-scape in VT is beautiful: No, not any more… even that’s repulsive now. – 13.48 Well… that was a waste of an entire morning. On-line, fesses-book mostly, “chatting” with Martha and Dorothy, and catching-up on some other accounts. – And now… I just went through my change and the income from the veggies and got a pack of smokes. Set for the week-end. The little things in life matter most. – My hips are sore, my legs, especially on the walk to the store, don’t want to hold me up again today. And I’ve done nothing. I guess, sitting at table isn’t the best thing to do for it. So now, a little of this Journal, a few more words to Donna (who is with-out power because of Hurricane Hermine) and a little “snews”. I should eat something. I’m not hungry but… – I can’t help but think: It’s a shame that these “people” here in this shit-hole state, didn’t know me back when I could accomplish SO MUCH for SO MANY. They see me as lounging now. Oh well. – But I did get to post the story of my last days with Mum on the fesses-book. Dorothy saw it. My story is told. Nothing left to see here. Move along. – 20.45 already! The day is done! I’ve just posted the end of August and the beginning of September to the on-line. Sent up-date to Jacquie… vague enough. And I can’t believe I’ve done nothing at all today! No “work”. No chores. Had 2 pieces of eggplant on buns for “meal” and am waiting to see if that too will run through. I’ve had a touch of the trots today. – And… as I type this: the banging up-stairs commences. Seriously. I won’t mention it to Jacquie because, well, it’s none of my business, if it bothers her, it’s her trouble, not mine. – A chilly evening. A cool night to come. – I did get words with Dorothy and am hoping she and Donna, Debbi are OK down there. She, Dorothy, sent an e-mail: Sarah and family are in Newburgh, living with the Max. I got my side of things in, in a reply: hoping that Sarah and Michael haven’t been poisoned. – Well, that noted, time to skim through the Internet. Then? I found 4 “Teas” in the garage fridge, took one out for before bed. – Tomorrow night: Shower. Not tonight. I’ve been and am too tired. Tired… I’ve been SO tired of late, especially after last night’s word from Vincent. It’s a combination of relief that this is moving along and anxiety that something might make it come to a crashing halt. – 23.26 and I feel as if it’s something closer to 3.00 the following morning. Friday is done though. And it feels more like Saturday. Tired. Just so tired. Though, the legs and back are a bit better. Not “good”… just a tiny bit better. Still, I’m so tired and yet, not ready to go to sleep, I’m afraid. – Saying “good night” to Hallie is so sad. I wonder if she knows that I’ll be leaving. And I can’t help but acknowledge the trouble my leaving will cause her and Jacquie. It saddens me, truly. But I simply CANNOT stay here. In the first place, this isn’t and wasn’t meant to be a “permanent” or “long-term” situation that I’m here. Yes, I work for my keep. But this isn’t the way it should be. I’m not going to be another Cecil, who stayed until they married, no job save the market. No. It’s a matter of ethics and dignity. Vincent offers a residence with shelter in exchange for property management. “Live-in property manager”. That was never the issue here. I simply cannot stay. And there’s the matter of it being VT, not to mention, this town. I truly need to get out of and away from both. I can’t take much (if any) more of this state. I’m sorry, honestly, that it’s going to present hard-ships for Hallie and Jacquie. But I can’t keep “giving” all of the time. I’ve just “given” to the point where there’s nothing left to give. Jacquie said that I’ve implied that coming to VT was the worst thing in my life. I’ve told her that it was. First of all, my life’s reputation and history has been destroyed here. Second, I’ve dealt with the most selfish and repugnant sorts of people here. I can’t take any more of the “selfishness”. Third, the hate of these people just wears on a soul. My soul is tatters. Fourth, there’s the matter of my pain and suffering, from “giving” and being abused… and that’s what it’s come to: abuse. I’d be stupid to stay and allow it all to continue. No… “Time To Say Goodbye”. Indeed. Jacquie keeps saying that I’ll have to come back on the week-ends to be with Hallie. She said she’d pay me, even for the travel. I know how that works too. And she really doesn’t have the money. She’s got the twats up-stairs. If they won’t help her, then she needs to find some-one who will… and I’m certain that there is somebody out there who’ll be happy to do so. Maybe not a “Vermonter”, but certainly somebody! When the move date is settled, I’ll help her look. Maybe she’ll find somebody who’ll want this “little room” like she thought she might rent out. We’ll work on it together. No doubt, we’ll talk about it this week. – Meanwhile, I’m going to try for some sleep tonight. I’ve had a “Tea” mixed with some tonic for the quinine. It hasn’t touched me, but I can hope. What I need, or perhaps should take is one of those “PM” tablets she has in the cup-board. But not right now. If I can’t get to sleep, I’ll grab two later. Tomorrow? Not getting up until absolutely necessary again. And it’s going to be another day of rest. I need to TRY to get my back in some kind of useful shape again… and now is the time to do that. (Surely, there will be something to “do” during the week. As it is… the lawn needs mowing but, I’ll not get into that with the twats.)

Sat.3.Sep: 9.04 I heard the 6.00 alarm… and didn’t even bother to turn it off. But by 8.35, it was time to get out of the bed. Why? To begin the curse of yet, another day. I’m at the kitchen table. Have had coffee and smoke. Hallie has had breakfast. I feel a touch guilty that I don’t have the stamina again, today, to play and frolic with her. And as far as the rest of this day is concerned, I don’t want to “do” anything at all. But to do nothing, bothers me. I’m pondering working (again) on the next book. I’m “concerned” about Vincent reading “Bitter-Sweet Bitterness” instead of “Journal Days”. But he has both so… And I did warn him of the difference. (I also send “Journal Days” to Dorothy. THAT should be interesting to hear about. Not that I particularly care one way or the other. It’s been years with-out the connection… and as I said in Newburgh: At our ages, any cut will be permanent at this point in time. “Got along with-out you before I met you gonna get along with-out you now.” As it were.) – This morning, for some reason, I thought of being tossed from 19 City Terrace (North) and can’t help but wonder if Joe didn’t convince Tony that I might “take a liking” to Michael and… well… that would explain some things. And Cindy, not being too awfully bright, would, more than likely, go along with the negatives. We’ll never really know, for certain. And if it’s so (and I’m usually rather spot-on about these things)… it makes no difference now… and won’t. Surely, there’ll be some back-lash. But again… it’s been years with-out them. It won’t matter at all. – And now, to figure out what to “do” with this day. There’s some laundry to be done. The floors and house will be done tomorrow morning. Oh well… this is the burden of being awake… and… breathing. – 17.47 How god-awful! I’d been sitting on the porch in Jacquie’s blue folding chair, working on the beginning (or middle) of the next book when I heard the bell of St. Mary’s church chime and immediately thought “Wow! 5:45pm already. The day is gone!” Yes, indeed… 17.45 on Saturday, the “Warning Bell”… before the 18.00 mass. I’ve adjust and adapted to that much already. It’s disgusting. – Worse though is the runs I’ve had during the day and that “I’m coming down with something” feeling… exhaustion, more fatigue, achey. I just don’t want to die in this shit-hole state! But if I’ve no choice? Well… Sorry Jacquie. It wasn’t intentional. And you know I’ve said, repeatedly, “I will NOT die in this shit-hole state.” – Got to re-charge the lap-top. (The fucking battery runs down quickly of late. It too, is getting old and ready to “shove off”.) – 21.40 IN BED! SHOWERED! SHAVED! TEETHBRUSHED TOO! At about 20.15 I took 2 “AdvilPM”which don’t seem to be “working” but I can hope. No “sleepin-in” tomorrow morning. Floors need to be done and such. But Hopefully my head will hit the pillows (with clean cases tonight) and I’ll just “go” to sleep. – A wasted day other than getting all of LoupNordique to “docs” for the next book which is 3 paragraphs in now. – “Meal” was 2 mozzarella toasted sandwiches on those nasty buns. Finished the ice cream and the “cobbler” too. Wasn’t at all hungry all day. Odd. (And tonight, 169,0lbs.) Checked the garden fro produce for the table. None. But somebody left 3$ on the table and took 4 squash. At the market, they’re 1,99$/lb! Oh well. None of my business. – Tonight, Kerry rang. Wanted the number for “Mark the Painter”. I couldn’t find it in this mess. But tomorrow they’re having a little “do” and I’m invited. I wonder how I’ll got out of that one… if I really want to anyway. We’ll see… tomorrow. – Memo sent to Jacquie at 20.16 too. No reply from last night’s. She see’s me as being such a miserable shit. I’m sure they all do. Nothing I can do about that. Just hope with all that this NY move comes through soon and that I make it there. (Let the car make it THERE at the very least.) – Too much on my mind I suppose. – All day I’ve felt as if I’m coming down with something. “Flu-like symptoms” I suppose they’re called. Could be anything… anything at all. Just so I’m in good enough shape to see Vincent and pull it all off! That’s all I want. Maybe I’ll feel better when I’m away from here. – Poor Hallie though. Another calm week-end. Only a little bit of play-time. Poor little one. She’s such a love. Stinky, but a love. – Clothes are in the dryer. The fan is on “exchange” right now and I’m in my light grey sweats and under the sleeping bag for the night. Leaving the door open a bit though. It’s almost time to worry about the house-plants too. Getting chilly at night, although the forecast is for HOT by week’s end. – And weather… that hurricane is up toward NYC tonight and threatens to stall, maybe going back up to “hurricane” status. My heart goes out to Rockaway… never recovered from Sandy yet. Not that it should make much difference considering the “gentrification” of Tilden and such. Oh well. Meanwhile, here, the leaves of the trees barely move. Odd to think of a storm raging in NYC and no sign of it here. -Well, a moment on fesses-book to check in on Dorothy and then to lights out! I want to get a full night’s sleep tonight. I’ll need it tomorrow because… tomorrow starts the same old shit again.

Sun.4.Sep: 7.46 Set 3 alarms and slept through all. Woke and bolted at about 7.00. Dressed. Coffee. Chicken fed, kitchen floor, washed. Just waiting for it to dry and then breakfast for Ms.Hallie. I’ve no idea when Ms. Jacquie will roll in. If she leaves directly from work, she can be here at 8.00. If she goes to mass, by 11.00 or so. Other-wise… anything in between or there-after. – As usual, my waist is sore this morning. And yes, last night, it didn’t take but moments and I was asleep. I have to remember to try those “PM” things on the days when I can “sleep-in”. Still… another day here, another morning of “Gotta get out of here!” – Sun is shining though and it’s a “September Morn”… with a bit of a chill and a wet lawn. Lawn… never got mowed. Hey. Not my concern. 100$? You get what you deserve: abused, at this point. – Well then, that said, another day. Once the kitchen floor is dry, Hallie’s breakfast to be served and me? I’ll get on with my day’s anxieties. – Tomorrow is a holiday. Labour Day is happening. The “season” comes to a close… But it’s Sunday… and I’ve nothing on my agenda. (Oh, Jacquie will be in the garden. Kerry said she’ll be bringing corn and beans to the dinner tonight. Not my circus.) – 10.27 Just in from a smoke, standing in the warm sun with a slightly chilled breeze, staring out to the back yard and garden and the thought, as I pondered that my back pain is less today but I’m consciously aware of the fact that my legs are always at a point where they don’t want to hold me up:
Have you ever been in a place where just being there makes your stomach sour?
I’m there, in that place. Just being in this town, in this state, nauseates me. How sad. How terrible. I keep trying to find something “redeeming” about it; the landscape, vast gulps of open sky, the delicate changes of hues of greens in the trees, the wonderful contrast of green leaves and blue sky, little bursts of reds in the tiny zinnias… and none of it changes the discomforting bitterness in my gut. It’s a daily, hourly, moment-to-moment, minute-to-minute nausea. And it won’t go away.
That said, it’s still a quiet morning. Hopefully, the day will progress quietly, non-confrontational. I’m not in a good mood, albeit, as “calm” as possible, under the circumstances. I need to write more to Donna. I need to write more in the next book. And I do NOT need to do any strenuous work. – I noticed that there’s only one car in front of 5225 again this morning. It was like that yesterday too. I HOPE the dogs are being taken care of properly. I wonder if the old reel mower is still in the barn over there. eBay has them listed for 80-just over 100$. If I could only figure a way to get “mine”. – 24.32 and just getting into bed… both Jacquie and I, after she had to phone upstairs because of the pounding! Says whom-ever answered the phone, “Michael tripped.” NOT! When they came in a few moments prior, he STOMPED up the stairs, and just a moment ago, he was out-side my window, telling the dog to pee. Stoned? Drugged? Drunk? What-ever. Jacquie’s going to have her hands full. – Anyway, Jacquie got in at about 14.00 or so and went straight to cooking for the little “do” at Jes and Kerry’s this evening at 18.00. Marilyn, Pam, Dave, Brendt and a friend of his from Minnesota, Didi? and then a young couple came. And they turned it into a birthday do for Pam and I. The dinner was very nice and there was so much food that there were left-overs. Me? I wasn’t hungry, really. I haven’t been hungry in a while. (I noticed today that my face is sinking again… it happens so quickly. I wish my gut would disappear as quickly. But…) And there was music. Jes played the recorder, Kerry played the key-board, 2 drums were handed to the young gal and Pam, bongos to “Didi”. The young fellow, Adrian, played guitar and ukelele, and we all, pretty much had to sing along. I refrained until we sang “Susanne” (Leonard Cohen) and even then, not really. I wasn’t in the mood and was a bit painful. As it ended, we didn’t leave until 23.00! and drove back to the house here to watch the cannonisation of Theresa until just now. – One note: On Thursday, Jacquie asked if I’d want to go to Canada for cigarettes. She gave me 10$ to get a pack over the week-end. (Thankfully somebody paid some veggies on the table and I was able to get another pack.) But today? No mention of it. I’ve 1,5 Camels and 6 Players left. Oh! I do believe the very tough days are coming. We shall see. – Right now, my hips are sore, to the bone. I took 3 acetaminophen just before coming to bed. And I hope it’ll help with sleep. I’m not tired… but ready for sleep anyway. – No doubt about it… especially after this evening at the “do” and the bull-shit stomping up-stairs even now at 24.44: I HAVE to get the fuck out of this state and away from these …. what-evers. – Time to check the soc.med. and try for some sleep… TRY… because the stomping up there is pathetic… and directly over Jacquie’s bed! Twats!

Mon.5.Sep: Labour Day.8.37 and dressed. Coffee. Smoke. Took Hallie out for “morning ablutions”. Jacquie is at table, reading her morning “inspirations”. Another day. Another Monday. – I woke at about 8.00 to the sounds of pots and such being washed. The kitchen was cleaned when I got there. – My right leg is painful and I’ve got head0=-ache this morning. “If I woke one morning with no pain at all, I’d swear I’d died in my sleep.” – Sunny. The grass is wet with heavy dew. One day, soon, it’ll be heavy with frost. Time is running out. I should be too. – What to do with this day. I don’t know… just don’t know. I want to pack the car and go… away… for good. I want the pain to be over and gone. I want all of this to be over and gone. – It’s another day. – 23.00 IIN BED. SHOWERED! MEDICATED! 1 naprosyn, 1 aspirin, 2 acetaminophen at 18.00 and 2 AdvilPM at 22.45.
*** I MOWED EVERYTHING BUT THE GARDEN… WITH THE “WHITE” MOWER! 7 HOURS OF ALMOST NON-STOP MOWING!!! The grass was so thick and high that I had to fill the gas tank FIVE TIMES! It stalled more time than I can count… and each time was PULLING the fucking cord to re-start! BUT… I DID IT! ***
I was going to just mow by the Subaru, but Jacquie was cooking and such for another little “dinner” this evening and I thought it might be nice to have the lawn mowed and presentable for the folks. WELL! I mowed for the Subaru then moved along the back yard which connected to the South yard which connected to the front yard which connected to the North side of the house which made the Highgate St. lilies look un-tidy and the next thing you know… DONE! There was a bit of a blow-up when, for the 3rd time, Jacquie came out and said to stop and I couldn’t because, well, it was OBVIOUSLY not done! Then, when she said to come in and shower for dinner, I had 2 smokes left and was in such PAIN PAIN *** P.A.I.N.!!! *** that I said I just wanted to go to bed. NOPE! She wouldn’t have it. So I rather lost it and said “I’ve worked hard and long enough to be entitled now to simply go to bed. I’m in pain and I just want to shower and go to bed.” It went on into the kitchen when I went for a tonic and I REALLY lost it. “What’s wrong with you people? Really? I’ve worked all day and STILL you deny me sleep? Honestly, what I’d like is to have a smoke and a beer after this.” “Well have a smoke and a beer.” she said. When I told her I was out of smokes… SHE WENT TO THE STORE AND BROUGHT BACK TWO PACKS! SHE’S INCEREDIBLE! HOW WONDERFUL WAS THAT? (OK. The twats get 50$ per mow… to the tune of 100$ per month off their rent. Even if they mow only once… it’s 100$. 2 packs of smokes? 19,63$ Not even 20$ But SMOKES! It truly, really, honestly, actually is kind. And I’m so appreciative! And I mean that, honestly.) – Oh… a note here that didn’t go with-out comment from me: Kerry waltzed in at about 16.30, dropped off some potatoes or some shit and said she was going back to the house for a nap. A fucking NAP! She SAW Jacquie was trying to set the kitchen for the dinner this evening, Jes, Kerry, Pam, Dave and Harold and Carolyn Babcock were supposed to attend… for Harold’s birthday. BUT… Ms. Fuktard du Canada waltzed right the fuck out of the house… to nap! Didn’t even ask if there was something she could do to help! So I told Jacquie: When you go to THEIR house for a dinner, you cook, bring something, and then wash dishes before you leave and yet, SHE NEVER offers to help YOU. I’ve seen it before. It’s amazing and rather disgusting.” Jacquie let it roll, of course. So all I could say was “Typical Vermont.” It was left at that. – Well… Pam and Dave arrived as I was sweeping the side-walks. (I noticed then too, that Jacquie had done some weeding in the lilies and, not 20 minutes after I’d finished all the mowing, she simply tossed the weeds into the mowed lawn! THAT’S “Typical Vermont”. Unless they do the work, which they’ll seldom do, they’ve ZERO appreciation for work that’s been done. “ENTITLED QUNTS”… the lot of them here. But… no sense in even addressing that part. In-breeding and poor-breeding… the whole fucking shit-hole.) – NEXT… Soon after I came into the house after the work, Jes and Kerry arrived. I went in to take my shower and it was HORRID! I WAS TRULY FILTHY! DIRT ON MY FACE, JEANS, T-SHIRT, ARMS… EVERYTHING! I put my clothes into the washer and took a scrubbing shower. I was SO covered in dirt that the shower water was actually brown from it! – Shower done, I dressed, and before a pre-dinner beer, I took the 3 meds… with a double on the acetaminophen… washed down with a beer. It took a little while but it kicked in on time for dinner. – Dinner… was supposed to be for Harold… he’d phoned once to say they’d had no water and he’d be late… round about 20.00 instead of the 18.00 planned. We waited a bit. at about 19.00, the phone rang… he cancelled completely! WTF? “Christian.” Nothing else to be expected. So, steaks and corn on the grill, (I didn’t eat the corn), wonderful potato salad, pickled beets (also wonderful), fresh beans, “honey-nut” squash. A WONDERFUL dinner, really wonderful. Jacquie and I had cake (from last night’s cake). – Another note: the toast tonight was to be thankful for the food and for Jes and his “being with us” because of the stent. Oh well… fuck it all… never mind the work and the pain and such. – (Part of my tirade earlier involved me telling Jacquie how much pain I was in… “And I’m not complaining nor whining about it. But I don’t expect that fact to be understood.” I can’t, really, expect it to be understood. Their priorities here, are all screwed-round. But then, the rest of them have a “friendship”… and I’m not really part of that. Good. I don’t want to be.) – And so, dinner went well. Pam and Dave left at about 20.00. Jes and Kerry left when it was obvious that “clean-up” was about to begin. Fucking entitled fucks. But the dinner chat was very nice and chatting with Dave about hunting and such was pleasant. “A good time was had by all.” Fuck. – And so, another day passes. Another holiday passes. The “rather official” end of Summer has passed. That does nothing for my morale, but there’s still a bit of time of good and warm and hot weather left… in which to move the fuck out of and away from here. – When Hallie and I went out for a stroll at about 21.00, the 2 cars were back at 5225. I just hope the dogs over there are well. – Oh! And I DID get to mention, rudely, I fear: Next year this town will go straight to shit because there’ll be nobody to do all the work I’ve been doing. Have you seen 5225? I had to admit, I was wrong about that place. I’d said it would take at least 6 months for it to go to shit… it hasn’t taken even a month and it looks like White Trash is there. So, no matter what others think of me and whether or not the work is appreciated, at least I can prove that it will all go to shit when I’m gone… it’s already started whilst I’m here. – Enough. It’s tie to get some rest here. Quick once-through the soc.med. and I’m into the dark with the hopes of a sleep-thorough night…. for both Jacquie and I. –

Tue.6.Sep: 9.12 Just in from a smoke after a very difficult try at getting to sleep last night. The muscle cramps and spasms for what seems to have been HOURS. Not back pain. The muscles in the right leg. But this morning, there’s no back pain. I wonder. – Jacquie’s in the loo. Showering? I don’t know. I wonder what’s on her “agenda” for today. – Today, 4 more days until I’ve no longer got an address (again) in VT. 29$ would fix/save that. But I don’t count on it. Oh well… I wonder what I’ll lose next. It’s not important. – Thoughts of packing the car and leaving. But if I leave… I “leave”. Period. – Sun shining. The grass is soaked with dew. I want to rake the clippings today. We’ll see what happens as the day moves along. I can’t “worry” about it. What will be, will be. – 21.30 Back in bed at last after another “enlightening” day in Fuklin. This morning, Jacquie was still waiting for the September rent from David Stanhope. She made a few calls to Dick Wright Ford and got the usual excuse: He was with a customer. Ah well then. OK. Kerry (I should refer to her as “Useless Kerry” or “Dim Kerry”) stopped by for some reason (she’s supposed to be back in Canada some-where but… ), we all had a tea and DimKerry was having trouble with some on-line form and asked if I’d come by to help here out. Well, sure, why not? Then asked Jacquie to come to help her put up some tomatoes. Well sure, why not? Jacquie had something to do and I went up to DimKerry’s where it was discovered that the only thing incomplete on the form (something about this house she’s buying) was a clearly-marked, red-bordered box that needed to be ticked/clicked. Really! Quite honestly and sincerely, we’re not dealing with the brightest people in that house. Neither she nor her “Jes”. Anyway, moments later, Jacquie came along with Hallie and… as Kerry wizzed veggies in a food processor, calling it “soups”, and reusing un-washed pots from vegetable -to-vegetable, putting puréed vegetables into “zip-lock” bags, not locking but rather twisting and closing with elastic bands, Jacquie got busy wizzing tomatoes… that had been cooked in crock pots and other such things that were plugged in and sitting on the entry floor and on a kitchen chair. Ah… when it was all done? JACQUIE WASHED THE POTS AND PANS! As I’ve already said: I’ve seen Jacquie help DimKerry and I’ve seen DimKerry dodge ever helping Jacquie. – Jacquie and I left and walked back down the road and when we got to the house, Jacquie went to Dick Wright Ford to speak with David Stanhope about the rent… and this is where the day became what I’ve come to now as “Vermont”: Stanhope said that he’ not re-newing the lease which expires at month’s end AND had the audacity to tell Jacquie that he knows the house he’s renting is assessed at 125k… THEN CLAIMED THAT THERE’S 65k IN NEEDED WORK ON THE PLACE… AND THEN OFFERED HER 60k TO BUY IT! Jacquie countered with 80k… and that ended that. Stanhope said he’s leaving. Jacquie asked that they be out by 1 Oct. He said he’d “try”. She came home with NO RENT MONEY! Because the rent was already late and she foolishly paid bills based on anticipated income, she confided that the banque has already charged her 100$ in “over-draft” charges and was horribly and obviously hurt about it all. I immediately set into the legalities at issue even to the point of looking-up the state statues on-line and advising accordingly. Yep… she’s finally “getting it”… GO AFTER THE “SCUM-BAG”! And she was grateful for the legal help. She’s contacted a broker to list the house, He’ll be by on Monday to look at the place. – Meanwhile, tonight, “dinner” consisted of that rice-and-lentils, corn from the garden, and 4 left-over meatballs that were in the freezer from a while back. She’s talking of selling the red house AND this house. She’s almost devastated by this. Broke… the poor woman… credit cards… and broke. “Vermont”… nobody gives a shit about her. – AS we’re eating, Mark (the Painter) came by to collect money for the work he’s done on the house (painting the porch) and she had to tell him that she can’t pay him. He told her that the rest of the work (painting and such on the back porch windows) would be done until NEXT OCTOBER! AND THEN ESTIMATED HIS FEE AT 50$/WINDOW x 18 WINDOWS! For caulking/glazing, priming and painting! Well… JEEZIS KRISTE! The “cute” bit of this was when she offered him tomatoes, he accepted a large bag full and his closing comment, when she apologised for the 10th time at least was: I understand. And if I was hungry, I know you’d feed me. Yes, cute and sweet… and “Vermont”… the “me” again. He left in amicable atmosphere. But I could see that Jacquie was hurt. – Step back to the visit at Kerry’s. Apparently there’s another “road trip” planned for New England, first week of October. The “Shomali” thing. Maine, NH, etc. Ms. Maryrose is riding this one because… she has friend and family and such to visit. I mentioned, in front of Kerry, how I find it rather abusive that Maryrose takes it for granted that they go on these trips and she’ll get to visit with friends and family along the way and I didn’t even so much as ask to see Ev when we were in Danbury. Said Jacquie, “I told you a few times to call her and even offered you the truck to go visit when we were in Danbuy.” Said I: “That was pretty worthless when you think about it because you didn’t know how long you’d be at that customer’s and if I took the truck and your meeting was only 30 minutes and I was driving out to visit somebody, you’d have been stranded.” I could see that she was hurt by that. But it’s a fact and so it is. As we left, I repeated how I just find it selfish of Maryrose to take advantage of the situation and still bitch about some things. (I learnt that Kerry’s never met Mrose and I told her that I didn’t particularly like her from the beginning and have never trusted her.) OK O well then. – When we came back to the house, I began raking the grass clippings in the yard from yesterday’s mowing. They needed to be raked up before they suffocated the lawn. Bad news: little rows weren’t cut because of the build-up in the mower, but… good news: it’s done. Next: Mow the lawn in the garden area. it was HOT out there today. I worked a sweat. But my back has been in good form today. My right leg is going useless. I find myself almost tripping now because my feet don’t lift high enough, and, as usual, it’s almost painful to put shoes on because on the weakness in my ankles. But the work is getting done. (And, with today’s events, there’ll be no remuneration forth-coming… but I understand why that is now and so… there we have it.) – So, Jacquie also told me today that, from the tone of her little chat with Vincent as reference for me, to her, it sounds like a “done deal”. She’s not truly happy about it at all. And tonight, we got talking about 5225 and an un-heated room and she pointed-out “You have a heated room here.” as if to sway me into NOT going back to NY. Earlier, when I was browsing the statutes, she said something about her needing me to help her through this ordeal with Stanhope and help with finding new tenants… and implied that I can’t leave until that’s all done. I remember: she’s 74 and quite frankly and honestly, with-out “Friends” around. And here I am. BUT…. *I* have to remember one bold and blatant fact: This is Vermont and when my chips fall, there’ll be nobody here to help me. Jacquie’s been a saviour in that I have a little room to sleep in and such. This evening she even offered that I could take a chair from the living-room and put it into the “white room” to sit in and use my lap-top in a better lit room. Ah… but I know, from experience, and all too well: when all is said and done and all is distilled to nothing more than truth and fact: “SELFISHNESS RULES” in Vermont. Will NY be better? A bit, because in NY I know what to expect… not much different from VT but at least in NY, we know when somebody is a threat: they don’t turn a different face… they simply come at you! I much prefer that. – Well… 22.11 already. Tomorrow Jacquie goes to “Staff Meeting”. Hallie and I will paint the door to the garage and mow the lawn in the garden. Come the week-end, I’ll be looking into the statutes and remedies against Stanhope. –
*** When you see something that needs to be done and you can do it, just do it. Not for the “thanks”, there are no “thanks”. So just do it and… move on. ***
HEMIPARESIS
22.51 In bed. Showered. Jacquie’s sleeping on the recliner. I don’t have the heart to wake her. She went to her staff meeting and then worked until almost 20.00. – Right now, it’s difficult to type. The strength and co-ordination in my right hand is low and almost painful. A dull, general pain, but a pain none-the-less. – But as for the day? Well, the lawn DID get mowed and the door DID get painted. And I chatted with EV via the gglevoice and she sounded sincerely happy to hear from me and repeated the invitation to the flat. – We stopped talked at about noon and that’s when I headed out into the 32° day to… mow the lawn… for almost 2,5 HOURS! And it was only the “garden lawn”! WELL SHIT! HOURS to mow one lawn… over TWO DAYS! Seriously? But I’m rather willing to bet that Jacquie’s beginning to see things differently… slowly, but she’s beginning to see the facts: The twats upstairs, Stanhope… and one day, Kerry. What will come of it is up to her. But… – So the lawn got mowed and then I sat for a while to cool my body down because, my back’s been fine the past 2 days but the weakness in my right side, arm, hand, leg, feet, ankle… it’s the weakness and not the pain now. I looked it up: Hemipareses. Could be caused by stroke, or other causes. The other night, for no reason, the room suddenly “lifted” and I was “floating”. Today, for a moment, I was “sailing” about. Not literally, but just the sensation. There’s no telling what’s going on. Momentarily I considered going to the ER. But I don’t want the whole ordeal of that. Just test, give me the diagnosis, give me some meds and send me on my way. No surgery. No over-nights. No observations. Just do it and have done with it. But I know it won’t be like that and I don’t have time for their bullshit. – Well, the door took about 2 hours too, because of my hands. I painted most of it with the left hand because I couldn’t hold the brush properly in the right. 2 coats of primer and it’s looking better. (Jacquie commented on it when she came in: It looks great. As I told her, it needs another coat. But she’s happy it’s white and clean again.) – After all that, I came into the house, had the left-over potato salad for “meal” and a bit of cake and ice cream. – Showered! I’d planned on sitting in the shower today because the weakness has been just that bad. Thankfully, it didn’t come to that. I washed my work-clothes and did a bit of *Paralegal* work, writing the notice for Monday’s “inspection” and finding statutes and reading the lease Stanhopes signed. None of this should be any of my business but Jacquie is in need of help, appreciates that I’m here to help (even offered to buy a carton of smokes from the rent she got from Stanhope!) BUT… I MUST be honest here… Stanhope is “Vermont” to me and if I can see him wiped over the dirt roads on his face? I’m GOING FOR IT! And if I have to appear in court because of this and it interferes with me being in NY? I’m in it with a FLAME-THROWER! It’s my “cleansing” time here. And the good news is in the lease: Whether they read it or not, that lease gives Jacquie the right to have thrown them out at the beginning of LAST month! So? So… Now let’s see if her “lawyer” (who was Lyle’s attorney LAST Summer, by the way and who’s related, through marriage, to Jacquie… I SO want out of this fucking in-bred state!) catches this stuff. I doubt it, but we’ll see. – So I was watching TV with Hallie when Jacquie got back at 20.30. She (Jacquie) has given me 50$. I don’t know what for, but I’m not asking. I could piss away 30 on the PO Box… I’ll have to ponder. I doubt I will though. I’ll just ponder. And we talked about the letter and the lease, she had a glass of wine, I had a “Tea” and we watched a bit of TV until… – 23.12 Jacquie’s gone to bed. I’m here swatting flies again tonight. There’s garbage on the porch that didn’t get put out today, damn it! I forgot and I suppose Jacquie did too. So it’s attracting them and I need the door open for air. In fact, the fan is blowing and it’s refreshing. (But I’ve been almost feverish of late. I even put on the running pants and light t-shirt tonight instead of the grey sweats.) No doubt, there’ll be stench from the twats’ trash too. (I’m still waiting to hear the “We would have done it!” lawn-mowing whine.) Ah well… soon… all of this will be a bit in a book… IF I survive and manage to stay alive that long. No telling. No promises. – Meanwhile, time for a glass of water and a last smoke, I think. Tomorrow? “We” have to get that letter printed and signed and posted.
*** HERE’S A BIT OF SICK TRUTH: I’M ACTULLY AT A POINT IN “LIFE” WHERE I’M QUITE NERVOUS, IF NOW OUT-RIGHT AFRAID OF GOING TO SLEEP AT NIGHT… FOR FEAR OF WHAT WILL BE “WRONG” IF I WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING. BAD BACK? NOW, PARALYSIS? LOSS OF MUSCLE TONE? UNABLE TO STAND UP? LOSS OF MY RIGHT HAND? I KNOW THAT STAYING AWAKE WON’T HELP, AND THE FATIGUE AND EXHAUSTION WILL ONLY MAKE IT WORSE, BUT I’M JUST RATHER AFRAID OF GOING TO SLEEP. DEATH? I DON’T WANT TO DIE IN THIS SHIT-HOLE STATE! BUT DISABLED WOULD BE HORRIFIC! ***

Thu.8.Sep: 9.28 Well, the day is rolling already. The right hand is still weak. I have to “think” about moving the fingers. But I managed to get the letter to the Stanhopes sent from my lap-top to Jacquie’s, put it on her lap-top and printed it. I tried to address the envelope and it was rather painful. But it’s done. Adam stopped by for some reason. He’s not been to sleep for some days now and looked it. I printed a copy of the lease and highlighted what I believe to be the “pertinent “ paragraphs. As usual, Jacquie simply tossed it into an envelope to give to the lawyer. She did read today’s letter but… As it is with Vermonters: as long as somebody ELSE does the “work” they take no personal responsibility. Oblivion. My promises are kept. Fuck the rest. – It’s over-cast this morning and threatens to be hot and rainy. I can’t wait for the rain. – Odd: With the letter… if the sukfux at the PO were any kind of professionals, Jacquie could bring the letter over, pay the postage and give it to Gina and it would be delivered today. But, I most seriously doubt that (a) she’d bring it over this morning and (b) that Gina Richard, the carrier, would be so courteous as to deliver it. A hand-cancel and out would be all that’s necessary. These “folks” are total shit. – Other than this, I’ve really no idea what’s on for the week-end. I could rake the lawn. If it doesn’t rain, perhaps I shall. I need to “work” the weak limbs. – Hell! No back pain for a change, but now it’s the weakness. Always something. If I wake and nothing’s wrong, I’d’ve died in my sleep. I should be so lucky… BUT NOT IN THIS SHIT-HOLE STATE! – Moving along…. – 16.13 Just up from a 2-hour “nap” on and off. I was SO TIRED when I got up this morning that I waited for the moment when I could just nap. And so I did. – I suppose it could be seen as a “wasted day”. But the fact is, it’s gotten so HOT and SO HUMID! Doing much of anything today is really out of the question. I just wish it would rain and take this all away. – The morning went along with Jacquie filling in her time before leaving. She was fidgety, some-how, cooking and harvesting, and checking her e-mails. And I asked her if she’d made any appointments for her “road trip” in a few weeks and she said that she hadn’t. OK. Good, because you never know if/when you might have to go to court with that Stanshit. “I’ll just tell them that I can’t go, the first week of October.” I explained to her that she can’t just do that and it’s not in her best interest to not appear, and that getting this thing out of the way as soon as possible is best. She was NOT, AT ALL pleased. Well, she got her letter written and printed by somebody else. She’s got her atty. (and I still swear that he’s the one who didn’t do much for Lyle) doing the rest. Typical Vermont: Somebody ELSE will do the *WORK* for them. Oh well. One thing’s for certain: whether here or not, *I* will *NOT* be doing the rest of the work on this case. I’ll “paralegal” when I can. But not much (if anything) else. When I said something about being in NY when she goes to court, she immediately said “They’ll subpoena you.” Right. Oh well. I could figure that much out for myself. We shall see. Bottom line on that is that the letter got posted today. The shit will hit the fan soon enough. I’ve no doubt that I’ll be the one to hear about it. If so? If I get dragged into this shit like I did at 5225, I’ll be raging a case of my own. Allo, police. – For now? I’ve no idea what I’ll do with the rest of this evening. But I don’t much care. I’ll have to get to the store sooner or later… smokes, in particular. But other than that… I won’t start painting because of the humidity. We shall see….

Fir.9.Sep: 7.36 WHY I’m awake is… well… not what I want to be but I am… dressed, smoked, coffee’ed, etc. I woke and decided to begin the day. Nothing to “do” and nothing I plan on “doing” but I’m up and at the kitchen table. Hallie is out in the yard. Mme.BN is on the steps having breakfast. The day has commenced. – I anticipate some sort of “encounter” with Stanshit at some point before mid-night comes round. If it’s horrid, I’ll simply ring 911 and have the matter settled that way. It’s as I said, just recently, to Jacquie: I learnt my lesson from the freaks of 5225… police. I don’t want this shit. I don’t need this shit. I’ve no time for this shit. I put up with MORE than my share LAST Summer… and yet… here we go again… MORE SHIT! Vermont. The “Shit-hole State”. – Well then… Friday… let’s let it roll. – I thought, this morning, that I sent a copy of “Journal Days” to Dorothy… she’s not mentioned it. Could be that she’s reading. Could be that she couldn’t detach from e-mail. Could be that she doesn’t have the means with/by which to read it. Or… I don’t know… Frankly? I don’t care. She’s got the copy. That’s that. –
11.14
***** VEMRMONT: 5 YEARS
Jacquie once claimed:
. I do wish I could do more for you but there is one thing about Vt.life is a struggle so sometimes it may seem like we are concerned about ourselve but we have to be some or else we couldn’t survive or be able to help others at all.
1Sept.2016 21.54
Vermont life is a struggle. Ah, she’s spot-on with that point. But what she and others fail to see is that the struggle is of their own making. These pathetic bits of multi-generational in-breeding invest more of their time prying into the affairs and business and lives of those around them than they put forward for their own benefit and the reparations of tribulations and woes in their own lives. It’s become blatantly and blindingly obvious that “Vermonters” despise peace, harmony, balance, calm, quiet.

Even to an activity as mundane as driving, their psychotic need to be close enough to other drivers, to the point of tail-gaiting at speeds of 90mph on the Interstate or 60mph on smaller, and often dirt roads is indicative of their mental illness that drives them closer to others and the lives of others than they are to themselves and their own lives.

Often, based on nothing but pure conjecture, they speak freely and openly of others, in their homes, at their places of business, in local stores and other open venues. And they speak loudly, especially when the topic involves something negative, whether it be fact or fiction. There’s a bold absence of adult-hood, maturity, good or better sense, across the generations. None appear to possess the ability to simply “shut up and mind their business”.

And so powerful is the psychotic need for stimulation of some and any kind that, in times of calm, Vermonters will, pro-actively and unabashedly lunge into any and every means possible to create havoc and chaos between and amongst each-other and one-another. And they’ll delight in the damage and carnage, and they won’t cease until it’s lethal, detrimental, devastating, not only to those directly involved but those who have had the God-awful misfortune of having been dragged into the fracas.

Gossip, not “news”. Harmful and hurtful. Twisted, mangled, spun, churned, facts mingled with fiction to the point where there’s nothing but a purée of nonsense and someone’s life and reputation, at any length and cost, becomes so pitch darkened that the light of day itself can no longer penetrate. And should one be so despicable to them as to mind his or her own affairs, refuse to enjoin in the feeding frenzy, s/he too, in short order, will find him/herself whirling in the tempest that is the infantile delight of others.

15.56 It’s been a “Nothing” sort of day. I did finish painting the garage door and that’s about it. My legs and ankles are weak, and my right hand as well. – I took a stroll to the store for the usual junk and whilst there, asked Jada if she’d seen Dixie. “Not for about a week… Do you think they did something to her?” Well, of course I do. “Put her down?” Gave her away? What-ever it is, apparently she’s no longer here/there. I wouldn’t put it past either Bobo or Gordo to “put her down”. Nor would it come to any surprise if they gave her away. “Disposable”… people and furniture… and Dixie. Well, where-ever she is today, if alive, I pray that she’s being loved as she deserves, as she SO deserves to be loved. And if “put down”, my heart will have to take solace in knowing that she can’t be abused, yelled at, hurt ever again. – It’s put my mood and general health into a dive. This place makes me sick… literally. I MUST set my sights on getting out, back to NY, either to the B&B or simply to the mountains. Right now, if not for Hallie, I’d put my shit into the Subaru, take the gas card and go… as far away from here as the car will make it. Just go… leave. I’m tired. Truly, I am. All day, all night. No matter how much sleep I get, I’m always tired. Weakening more every day. And fed up. Miserable, sick, ill, tired, angry… BITTER as ALL fucking HELL! – And, as I went to pay my shit at the store, Pat said “I didn’t know you’re over at Jacquie’s permanently now.” I briefly told her about leaving 5225 and said that I’d gotten into another “hornets’ nest”. “The ones up-stairs.” she said. “Well, not so much them, these days. There’s trouble over at the other house.” “Oh… “ she said “I rented to him.” and she smirked, with a disgusted look. So. She knows what’s going on. I told her about the threat of suing for “20,000. And I know you don’t have it!”. Pat just said “I can guess.” and I left, walked back down the road past 5225 where the front is dead flowers and weeds and grasses. – It’s as I’ve said all along: When I leave, this town will go back to being shit. It’s well on it’s way. May they all rot in the miasma that they are and that they create and perpetuate. – I just need to get out, get away, and leave ALL of this behind… one way or another. – 18.39 Hallie’s been brushed. The kitchen floor’s been swept and “spray mopped”. And I’m going to settle in and settle down for the night. I’m winding down and the twats are winding up. How I dream of being where, at the end of a day, there’s peace… at any cost. – But at least Stanshit didn’t come by (yet). And I’m having a “Tea” and will have a “PM” later after shower. So much for the day… Tomorrow? FUKKIT!

Sat.10.Sep: 8.58 Feeling “dragged” this morning. Combination of the “usual” with the left-overs of the “PMs” last night, and the general crap. Woke at about 8.30 and had to pee. (Woke at one point during the night for the same thing.) But just feeling “heavy” this morning. And at about 8.35, the phone started ringing. Jacquie’s cousin/atty. And he rang back, almost immediately, about 4 times after that. I’ve done just a little “research” on him. Yes, I do believe he “represented” Lyle too. And yes, he’s one of those “eccentrics”, was arrested in ’04 (I believe) for having “tinted windows” on his Cadillac and he resisted and got a “throw-down”. It was on, of all things, “Y-tube”! (And I can’t help but recall “Doug’s Ford” with the tinted windows and how I peeled the tint off the back window because I some-how knew tinting was frowned upon here.) Oh well. All part of the havoc and chaos that is this state. – Today’s agenda: I started a little “How-to” booklet to boost my “Affiliate” with Selz. I’m going to promote them on the blog and soc.med. If somebody takes, I get “200%” of what they spend on a service. Then there’s the letter to Donna that should have been done already but I’ve neglected. And the “VT” book that I need to focus on. Much “sitting and working” today. And I have to file my nails too. Other than that, I intend to do nothing much at all. No “physical work”. Primarily because of a thought yesterday as I quick-mopped the kitchen floor: These people resent “working” people. They’ve more respect for “disabled” and the likes. And when “working people” do the work, it’s taken for granted that the rest can just sit back and ignore. I need to get my body together for MY future. I’ve my doubts that it’s going to end the way I’d be happy with. But still, I need to get ME together again… or as much as is possible at this juncture. There’s going to be a car to be packed and driven and a bit of a hike to follow. I need my “me”… and I’m taking that back. (How awful to begin a day with the burden of thinking such miserable thoughts. But that’s just another day in this place.) – 9.10 and time to get this day… rolling… I suppose. – 23.28 And so I wrap another nothing day. Well, I can’t say that, I suppose. I got quite a bit written on the “How to publish” book. And I finished the letter to Donna. I fell asleep… again.. for another hour on the recliner. But I never got to do my laundry. There isn’t much to do, but I’ll be sorry during the week, I’ve no doubt. I filed my finger nails and never got to the toes. And I did nothing else all day. Eating? No appetite. I just don’t want to bother eating. I used up the cheese that I bought yesterday. Finished the ice cream and there’s one “roll” left. “Roll”… bun is more like it. The shit. Hallie and I went out for many smokes. That’s the day. – Tomorrow is the 11th. Every time somebody mentioned it on the news today, it brought me to tears. 15 years later… it seems like yesterday. I can still recall the details… sitting with Pookie behind 3150, then buying the flag that the freak bitch still has. (I laid out the details of why I don’t want communications with them in the letter to Donna.) – And just now, having the last smoke, again, I look to the sky on another warm and still night, watching the lightning in the Western sky and think of how wonderful this night could be to lay under a tree in a forest and just “go”. Why am I not simply “taken”? That would be nice… even here, tonight. I don’t want to burden anybody, but I’m at the end. – One note though: the pains and weakness are subsiding. My hand and arm are better, the pain in the back is MUCH less. I’m still weak in the right leg though. Running down, running down. – Tomorrow… floor washing and getting the place “together”. Why? I don’t know. – The door is open tonight. The porch stinks of garbage. There are fruit flies in the tomatoes on the kitchen “island”. The fan is on. The air coming in is warm. The place smells of garbage. Will it even end? I doubt it… not until….

Sun.11.Sep: 15 years ago. – 3.00 ANOTHERNIGHT OF INSOMNIA! AND AGAIN, THE FAN IS ON, IT’S REALLY HOT IN THE ROOM, AND EVEN THE AIR COMING IN FROM THE FAN IS HOT. AND IT STINKS OF GARBAGE!!! THERE’S NO ESCAPING IT OTHER THAN TO BE OUT-SIDE! A DAY OF HELL. – My body wants to sleep but the stench and my mind won’t let me. – Out-side, to the North, the lightning is flashing all across the border. It’s beautiful, really. No rain. Just a slight breeze. And terribly warm. Interesting sort of night/morning. But I dread the day to come. Fatigue. And having to put up with Jacquie and, no doubt, the troubles with the rental house and wanting to go and do and shit. I’m just so fucking tired… of all of this shit. – Well, I’ll make the best of it. Maybe a bit of laundry that didn’t get done. Wash the kitchen floor. Shave. Shower. I don’t know. I hate this fucking shit. And there are the twats up-stairs too. I could Hoover but I don’t think that’s a good idea. Not that THEY’D give a shit if it were them. I just HATE this fucking shit. – I could take AdvilPM but that would put me out for too long. And if I don’t sleep that off, I’ll be even more miserable. But the stench of garbage!!! WHAT THE FUCK? – 4.20 AND IT’S POURING DOWN WITH RAIN! THE WIND IS BENDING THE TREES! WE’RE IN THE MIDST OF A STORM… A REGULAR TEMPETE!!! It must have been about 4.00 when the winds began in earnest. No rain… just WIND!!! And then, just as soon as it had begun, it stopped… for about 20 minutes. THEN? LIGHTNING! THUNDER! AND THE WINDS PICKED BACK UP AND THE RAINS BEGAN TO POUND! So THIS is why I’m awake… and the washing is being done. And I’ve trimmed my beard and clipped my toe nails. And as soon as I can, I’ll take a shower… and commence with this day, as if I’d been asleep through the night. – The floors are swept too. I’ll Hoover the “little room” as soon as I can. I just hope the electric doesn’t go out in this storm. My washing needs drying. – Ah… 9/11. I slept soundly and heavily 15 years ago… got to sleep late that night and over-slept this morning. Why? I would have been AT the WTC. Fucked. My entire existence is… Fucked. – I’m going back to work on the “How To” book with this time. – 4.30 Météo says the temperature is 26°!!!! The Humidex is 36°!!!! At this hour? Jeezis! But the “high” for today is going to be only 20°. The rains will be with us until about 6.00 and then break until about 9 or so. More rains to come at 10.00. And then nothing. Maybe the rains will cancel “plans”… which I KNOW will be coming and I won’t be in the mood. I can hope… I’m such a fuktard. – 8.08 On the bed, SHOWERED! And SHAVED! The last of the wash is in the washer and the kitchen floor is “spritzed” cleaned. The floor in the “little room” is Hoovered. And I am ready to take a nap! Hallie has had her breakfast. Mme. has had hers too. The rest of the house? I don’t really care at this point. I’ve already had the runs from being up all night. I need a nap! I’ll put the clothes into the dryer and set the alarm. Last night Jacquie sent word: She’s going to Ste. Anne’s en route home and will be back “in the early afternoon”. Hopefully it’ll be one of HER “early” hours… and I’ll have time to take a worth-while nap and have the laundry out of the dryer before she returns. – I managed quite a bit of soc.med. this morning. Nothing else, really. Some “graphic” work to post and that’s about it. Time does run quickly.. through the night. – The storm has passed with-out damages. All is still now. The air is clear. And the temperature has dropped noticeably. There’s more rain due at about 10.00. Hopefully, I’ll be sleeping at that time… deeply and restfully. But I’m not counting on it. – 8.13 and almost time to toss the clothes into the dryer. Waiting for the spin. – 12.19 By about 8.15 I was back in bed. I heard the dryer finish, got up, put it on for another cycle and went back to bed to sleep. Not exactly a “deep” sleep, but deep enough to have a bit of a dream, as I recall. Something about being with Donna and Dorothy and such. A happy dream, as I recall. When I woke, on my own, it was moments before the noon alarm that I’d set. Was it enough sleep? Oh HELL NO! But better than none at all, I suppose. And I’m having another coffee, I’m dressed in clean clothes, managed to get the “compost bucket” dumped and rinsed with some PineSol so the kitchen smells of it. My insomnia is covered over. – The sky is partially clearing. We didn’t get that 10.00 rain. But the temperature has certainly dropped a bit and even the wind is cooler than it was all through the night. Maybe the whole thing was because of the weather? I was on fesses-book this morning and Pier posted that he too, had insomnia and was awake at 4.00 this morning. Who knows? Eh? But they didn’t get the storm. – Well… let’s see what can be salvaged of this day… 9/11/16… 15 years later and the details are so crystal clear. – PS: My legs are painful again this morning. They were fine all through the night. Always something. Never can there be too much “pain-free” time. – (On Monday morning… 8.26) Well, THIS day went by…. Jacquie returned something after 14.00 and I’d been awake just long enough to cover the fact that I’d been asleep for the past 4 hours or so. Hallie greeted her with all sorts of happiness and all was well. But she got right into taking her phone messages and making calls so I pretty much made myself scarce. Thankfully, I’d have time to spritz-mop the kitchen floor and Hoover the “little room” so that much was done. Almost immediately after her calls, she began working on cooking and the likes. WE went to the garden where she picked some corn and black berries. There’d been a little brid-house on one fence post along the Highgate Street that had been knocked down in the wind last night, and one tomato cage got pushed over as well. Not too much damage. But I joined her in the garden, mostly just to be sociable and such. When we came back in, she invited Jes to come down for dinner. She’d put the last of the charcoal briquettes into the BBQ and started them. – I think it was about 18.00 when Jes arrived. Corn and aubergine was “grilled” and 2 burger patties. Jes won’t eat meat because of the stent. Honestly! These people and their “Life-changing” because of such nonsense. He truly is rather wimpy. But then… I knew that all along. When the charcoal wasn’t cooking well enough because there really wasn’t enough of it, he tossed in a stick from the wood pile! Imagine? Not knowing what kind of wood or the likes. Well, honestly, it “flavoured” everything that was cooked… rather “smoked” in it. Not terrible, but… – So I had a burger, a slice of aubergine, a few tomato wedges. as did Jacquie. Jes had a tiny slice of aubergine, a tiny bit of broccoli, 2 tomato wedges. He’s trying to lose weight, says he. – Table chat was rather interesting and of course, Mr. Jes knows all and was suggesting things like “Restraining Orders” and contacting the Sheriff’s office about this “Stanshit” business. When I mentioned the “Restraining Order” and such from last year, I had to “validate” by pointing out that I’d LIVED THROUGH such bull-shit. And then I let them talk. The rest of the chat for the night was water-related and oil sands and thelikes. Fine… OK.. no prob. – Well… “dinner” was over by about 20.00. Jes left to return home, walking. Jacquie and I chatted a little while longer about the “rental” events of the week-end and she reiterated how much she appreciates me being here at this time. I said “It’s been said that I show up in people’s lives at the right moment, for the reason and then, when all’s done, I leave. Silas said I attract bad Karma but Ev always said that I just appear when people need, am there to help and when the task is done, I move along.” She agreed that I’m here when she needs somebody. No mention of my leaving… which is good. – It was about 20.45 or so when she asked if I had any pain and offer the “PMs” which I accepted. If nothing else, they should help with the “make-up” sleep I need tonight. – By 21.00 we were off to sleep. There was a special on “Fox” tonight about 9/11/ I did and didn’t want to see it… but I needed sleep more… after all, I was there. So Jacquie went to her room to sleep, I came to the “little room” where….
I made a little “button/link” graphic for the Selz “affiliate” link and managed to get that onto the “Author’s WP Blog” tonight before nodding off. By about 21.30…. lights out, under the blankets in the sleeping bag, door only ajar, no fan… DONE! AT LAST!

Mon.12.Sep: 7.47 And CHILLY this morning. The grass is heavy, again, with dew. The sky is clear. But the dew… it’s THAT time of year again. I still go back to the mornings, under the tree at Tilden, waking, chilled and damp, rolling blankets and such, and heading out t the beach, to sit in the morning sun to warm up. And I think of how it will be, on a mountain, under the trees, in the morning, wet with dew. And the anxieties surround me, like a cold, morning breeze. It’s not going to be comfortable, again. And the urge to run, to bolt. I HAVE to get out of here! A “shove” to get rolling. One of these days… I can’t, I simply cannot put up with many more of these days. – Meanwhile, I slept heavily through the night last night. The PMs helped, I’m sure. It wasn’t really enough to compensate for the mere 4 hours of sleep yesterday. But it helped. – Jacquie was awake already, at 7.00. When I went for coffee, the dishes were out of the sink and she’d been reading her “Morning Inspirations”. I remember a time when I found comfort in that “religion”. That’s gone. I “know better” these days. Nonsense. Today, I try to focus on what I know to be their “god”… that “something” in the core of all of us. But truthfully, even that fails me. Enough of this bull… Too much of all of this shit. – Meanwhile… I woke from good and disturbing DREAMS:
• I don’t recall most of the first dream, but I was driving the Subaru (this is the second dream about the car. I dreamt of it yesterday in my nap as well). There were several of us in the car and we had quite a distance to travel. I was a bit nervous about something breaking-down in it but as we went along, it drove smoothly and quietly and I was aware of that. In fact, I was quite happy that the car made it to where we were going. I don’t remember who was in the car or where we were going or why. But what I can recall is being concerned that it wouldn’t break-down or make noise… and it didn’t… it was fine!
The next dream:
• I was residing in an old, very old building that was under-going some half-assed, shitty “renovations”. It was similar to the Shelter, but this building was truly uninhabitable. I had a small room, white walls with peeling paint, a bed, one large window and the walls were old plaster, shipping and crumbling. It wasn’t an apartment, and the place wasn’t “mine”. Cindy owned the building some-how. She resided in an apartment at the end of the hall. John had a room next to hers. They were bitchy toward me, almost hateful. I woke on a particular morning. The door to the hall was ajar, being propped open with a box, either cereal or some kind of toy or game. The door was propped open for ventilation, to keep the air moving in the room, to dry it out. There was a water-leak problem. I knew that because, instead of only one box propping the door open this morning, there were two. I’d put only one box there myself. When I reached down to check the second box, it was soaked at the bottom. There’d been MORE water leaking from the ceiling/roof. But I simply put the box back and went out into the hall. From where I stood, I saw John coming out of his room, some doors down from mine. He was hoisting himself from his bed and onto a wheel-chair. Paraplegic. I don’t know why or what from. But I resented him being on the same floor, too close to me. I was only there as a “temporary resident”. Cindy and he lived in the building and I knew that I wasn’t “welcome” there. “This isn’t forever.” I thought, “It’s just temporary. I’ll be out of here soon, but not soon enough.” – I walked out into the hall. There were workmen all walking about. They were putting vinyl wall-paper up, directly onto the peeling plaster and paint, just to cover the decay and rotting. It was a beige print pattern, almost some-what “Italianate”, tacky, cheap-looking. But they were simply covering everything, the walls, around the windows, everything, quickly and sloppily. – I was heading out of the building. When I got to the end of the hall, it “T”ed onto what was an interior hall-way, but now, there was no wall, from roof, down. Only something like “rebar”, as if the walls had been removed, the plaster and concrete crumbled off the frame of the building. It was bright with sun-light and exposed a sort of “court-yard”. But I was horrified by the simple fact that it couldn’t possibly be safe in that state. The workmen were moving about, hollering to each-other about the work they were doing. And on the walls, opposite the open side, they were busy slopping the tacky, ugly wall-paper over everything, as if trying to “tape” the building back together. I understood that Cindy was trying to pass it off as something elegant, like a slum-lord trying to grab as much rental income from the place as possible. But the papering job was shoddy… Typical slum-lord. – The lift was old, decrepit, and I could see it in the shaft-way. I pushed the button to call for it, on a sort of hand-held “remote”, not on the wall button. It came to the floor and as I pressed myself against the solid wall, fearful of getting too close to the opposite “edge” on the “open” side, a “foreman” of sorts, got into the lift and took it down. I was pissed because I wanted to get down and away from that floor as quickly as possible.
A brief third dream from which I woke this morning:
• In another old, and crumbling sort of building. Main floor, bare walls, old plaster again. In a huge kitchen sort of room. I came in and Bobo and Lyle were there. I went to the table, Lyle was at one wall, back turned toward Bobo and I. He was looking up toward the ceiling at something, and was cooking something on the stove. He was wearing a large, red t-shirt. Bobo was pissed at me because I didn’t acknowledge either of them with some sort of expected greeting. I simply came in and sat at the table, across from him. A moment later, Lyle came to the table, now wearing an old, white t-shirt. He sat across from me and started talking about something, and when I looked up, I noticed he’d taken a hair-cut, a “buzz” where beard and hair were of the same length, rather short. I found it very attractive on him and said: “You’ve taken a hair-cut!” “You notice?” he replied. “Of course! It looks very good… VERY good, in fact. You should have done that a LONG time ago already… a LONG time ago. It look VERY VERY GOOD!” And I thought of how truly attractive he looked now, and thought what a shame it was that he was dying.
I woke to the sounds of Jacquie in the kitchen and the twats up-stairs banging about on the floors. Another day begins… No peace. – 8.46 and relatively caught-up with this Journal. Now… on with this chilly day. Oh my! 13°! – 22.05 and back from an afternoon-into-evening in BTV! I spent most of the day working on the new “book”, the one to promote the Selz Affiliate. Jacquie worked on cooking SO MANY tomatoes for most of the day. I’m not sure what time it was when she said she wanted to go to CostCo, but rather suddenly, we were in the truck an driving down the road to BTV. She stopped at the banque first and then… through town and off to CostCo we went. Well, it’s not too big, nothing as big as BJ’s in Queens, but we strolled the aisles. I told her I had 190$ in FS and we got meat, mostly, a jar of mayo, a bag of dates, a container of chocolate covered almonds (which I’ve already opened and am having as I type… not bad… not great but not bad), and some cheeses, butter and eggs… 144$ and only 2 small boxes to carry it all out in. Imagine! But there’s lamb chops, burger and chicken… (“organic” of course). I feel better that she didn’t have to pay that 144$ for it. And if… GOD FORBID… I’m here at the beginning of October and I get more FS, I’ll offer to go with her again. – After CostCo, a stop at the Hannaford’s, the one I went to a few times, at “U Mall” where I got 4 bottles of tonic and their last 3 jars of coffee!!! Yay me! AND… we were off to “Outback”. Why? Because I gave her the 25$ gift card that Pennyshit GliddenfuckingTaylor had given me 3 years ago for Christmas. Well I tell YOU.. Outback? WTF? ONE MEAL is 25$! Incredible! Jacquie had a nice steak and I had a burger that was… well… certainly NOT worth the 11$ and change they charge. Jacquie ordered a 22oz Fosters and I had the 16oz but she poured about 10oz of her beer into mine because she said it was too much for her to finish. Probably true, that. Anyway, the total bill for the two of us came to almost 46$!!! Thank goodness we had the 25$ card! Incredible! Expensive! And now I know that Outback isn’t some place I’d want to go to again. But it was fun to get out, of the house and the town for the after-noon. It was nice to sit and dine with Jacquie. And I drove back, which was kind of nice too. We talked most of the way back, but just as we cleared E. Highgate… Jacquie dozed off. – And so now we’re all in the house, Jacquie’s gone directly to bed and I’m about to TRY to get some sleep myself. I’m not truly tired. My legs are “weak” again today though. I NEED to LEARN to WALK a normal gait again! I don’t want to meet Vincent and hobble about. I wish I could get the strength back, but I doubt that will ever happen because I some-what sort of kind of know that the cause is permanent nerve damage. But… with a bit of practise, I’ll learn to fake it. – And that much said, it’s time for a quick (I hope) browse of the soc.med. and an attempt at some sleep tonight. Tomorrow? I don’t know… it will take care of itself. – (Funny, but as I think of this more and more, I’m thinking of it as my “retirement”. WTF? Why not? I won’t live to collect my social security so I may as well think “retired”.)

Tue.13.Sep: 6.24 Can you believe this? Awake. And at a “Human” hour. And I’ve had my coffee and smoke. As I came back into the porch, Jacquie was just getting to the kitchen. She’s in the kitchen putting the coffee water on. I’m back in the “little room” and will wait for her to have her coffee and morning meditation and then get to washing dishes whilst she cooks more tomatoes. There’s so many of them again! Tomatoes and beans. And some corn. Veggies. Well, better to have too much than none. We have… “food”. – I still think of the young fellow in the loo last evening, at the resto who, when I said, “Have a good evening.” replied “You as well.” It’s an expression I’ve come to know as “New England”. Not “You too.” rather “You as well.” Delightful. Like “How are you?” “I’m well, thanks.” Very nice. But I have to say that, as I stood having my smoke this morning, looking at the yard, on this “not so chilly” morning, the same thought as always of late: I HAVE to get OUT of this STATE! The *need* to get away from here and back to NY! It’s not a “want”… it’s a *need*. And I can’t help but wonder: Is Jacquie afraid of being in this house alone? It rather strikes me as “Yes”. But me, I don’t know for certain. I don’t know anything here, for certain. It’s a “Trust” issue… and based on the past 5 years… I have NONE of that… not here (other than the Trust that, eventually, I’ll be screwed, some-how. – I looked over at the PO this morning. No car. The truck arrived only moments ago… the 6.00 truck… late. And as I said to Jacquie: when I worked on Wall St. I used to get to work early. They’d ask “Did you sleep here last night?” and appreciate my diligence. HERE? I got written-up and chastised. “You make the rest of us look bad.” Well… Fuck this state and fuck these people. – What a lovely sentiment for the beginning of a new day. You know what? Fuck that too. – Bonjour… Fuck. – 23.01 Now I lay me down to sleep and if there’s a “force” or a “power” in me or external, I pray that come the morning, I’ll be able to get up on my own and move about freely and with-out pain. Amen. – Today, this morning, another cord of wood was delivered and it’s now stacked. It arrived as Jacquie went out to the garden. The guys dropped it where they dropped the previous cord and I immediately went out to stack it so that that part of the job is done. I had to clear more space, move the one empty pallet and put down planks to keep the wood off the ground. It was fine. Not pain-free, but fine all day. And yes indeed, there are 2 cords of wood out there, with the “kindling” between the fire-wood and the cedar. I raked the bark and such up too. – At about 17.30, somebody came by to pick Jacquie up to take her to a church in Sheldon to a board meeting. I swept the kitchen floor, washed the pots and pans in the sink, took my shower and washed and dried my clothes (which finished just as she came back at about 20.00). The pain in my hips came on shortly there-after. We had a nice dinner of hot dogs and corn and potatoes and 3-bean salad. And I had a beer. And all the while, the pain was increasing to the point where it’s been difficult just walking. Even taking my jeans off and putting the sweats on, I had to sit on the bed. It’s “bad”. But I can still stand tonight. – I took 2 AdvilPM about 20 minutes ago and I hope they help to relax what-ever nerves or muscles are shot. I just hope. – But it was a wonderful day! And the wood looks great. – I also posted Donna’s letter and got my refund on my POB keys today. I now “truly officially” have no address. Lisa, was all “smiley chatty” with me, chit-chatty and all sorts of bull-shit as if all in the world was delightfully perfect. These “people” are a complete mess in this town. Fucking in-bred shit-bags. But… my primary hope is that I’ll hear from Vincent, be able to meet him in NY and have done with all of this… and move… VERY SOON! – Meanwhile, on the “hahahah” side: Bobo came home today and started cutting something in the yard over there with a chain saw. Whatever it was, there’s not a wonderfully clear view of “them” in the yard. But HALLIE was the attraction: she wouldn’t stop barking at Bobo! She truly does NOT like them! – But again, this evening… NO DIXIE! I’d like to know where she is and if she’s OK. But the only way I can find that out is… rumours. I’ll have to make sure to get to the “chain” of rumours and set the seed. – And so, today’s work got posted to “Woodhauler” with a post. So it’s recorded, which is a relief. – And the “Publishing book is, I must say, complete at 13 pages. I have to edit and then put a couple images in it and get it our there… not later than this week-end! – Meanwhile too, oddly enough, I counted my little bit of cash-on-hand today… 61$! Left-over from the 50 from Jacquie and when the twat up-stairs gave her the 5 they owed her for rent, she gave it to me! So that I can get cigarettes! She’s a wonder, this Ms. Jacquie. – Closing note: tomorrow she’s making appointments in NH, MA and ME. *I* would have luved to go on THAT trip but Ms. Maryrose has family and friends that they’ll visit. Fuck me there. – Time for a quick view of the soc.med. and hope the PMs take hold soon and do their job properly. – Now I lay me down to sleep and YES I PRAY to what or whom ever that I’m fully functional in the morning.

Wed.14.Sep: 8.57 Rain. Stiff legs and a crampy gut. A new day. Groggy too. Oh well. Of course. I woke with the alarm and went back to sleep and didn’t get up until almost 8.00. I felt perfect until my feet touched the floor. My legs are stiff But not too too bad. – Yes.. another day. And rather stuck, because of the rain. But at least the wood is stacked. And Jacquie’s already thanked me twice for that, and said “Well, next year, if I’m still here, you’ll have to come back to…” *I* don’t want to “be here” next year. Nope. – 21.35 IN BED YAY! My thigh muscles, on BOTH legs, are SORE tonight. And it seems, when I walk, that my right leg is shorter, some-how. I wonder what kind of damage has been done. Oh well… just as long as I can appear perfectly fine when meeting Vincent. – I’m almost done with the edit of the “publishing” book. I’m going to get to that now. – The day was un-eventful but I HAVE to NOTE: Jacquie went to the store this evening to get something and she brought back a 6 of “Tea” and a “Whoopie Pie”! She thinks of me. It’s remarkable! And I’m appreciative beyond words. This evening, she wanted milk with her zucchini bread… I got it… on my FS, but it saved her the price of the pie. I have to keep things in stock for her whilst I’m here. – On to the book and then, hopefully, to sleep. – Tomorrow? Hopefully I’ll still be able to walk. What a shit to have to think of such things. – It’s getting chilly tonight. It’s suposed to get warmer as the week goes on. But the chilly nights are coming. Tomorrow night’s supposed to be single digits. – 22.23 The twat (M) just pounded down the stairs, took the dog out, yelled at it by my window then pounded up the stairs. Next thing I hear is Jacquie dialling the phone. “What’s going on up-stairs?” She’s not been sleeping well these past many nights, mostly because of the Stanshit situation. But I’ve often wondered how she tolerates the pounding from up there. They’re relatively quiet most of the day and into the evening until round about 21.00 or even later when all shit breaks loose up there. Seriously! And right over Jacquie’s bed-room! Well, I’m impressed… she’s acting on it now. No doubt that psychotic little shit will show its sickness… soon. (Even now, at 22.27, and after the phone call, they’re STILL thumping and banging up there. Spiteful mental cases. Seriously. It’s going to be an “interesting” night… And indeed in fact, they’re “all out” with the banging now! More as it develops, I suppose.

Thu.15.Sep: 15.54 Yes, I’m only just getting to post here today. I woke at 6.00 to a COLD room and went back to doze until 7.00. Got up and out of bed at about 7.30 and hit the floor rolling… as it were. Painfully, but rolling. Most of this day has been dedicated to the publication of book number 4: “I’ve Done It!”. 27 pages, not much and not “beautifully illustrated” but a nice “start” book for self-publishing. That’s been the day. – Jacquie’s gone to work and Adam is expected to be buy this evening. – Last night was quite interesting and today, it appears that Jacquie’s not too thrilled with the way the twats are behaving. – More on more later. I need a ‘moke. -24.22 WOW! SHARP PAINS IN THE RIGHT SIDE. But only since I just got into bed. Oh well. – I’m not closing this date and opening tomorrow because, well, (wow, the pain is sharp and very much confined to only one rather small spot), today was un-eventful until tonight when I lit the wood-stove. OK. So I can’t say that it was truly “un-eventful”. I GOT THE BOOK DONE! POSTED TO SELZ. POSTED WORK ON FESSES-BOOK AND THE BLOG. AND BY 23.00 THE FESSES-BOOK POST HAD ALREADY GARNDERED 3 “NOTICES”. Pretty good! * AND… ON “THE O’REILLY FACTOR” IT WAS COINCIDENTAL: “TIP OF THE DAY”… BILL O’REILLY SPOKE OF HIS FIRST BOOK, ROAMING THE AISLES OF A LONG ISLAND “BRAINS & NIBBLE” (he didn’t call it that, I am calling it that) AND WONDERING WHY NOBODY WOULD PUBLISH HIS FIRST BOOK. HIS TV PROGRAM WAS DOING VERY WELL BUT NOBODY WANTED TO PUBLISH HIS BOOK. WELL, HE PERSEVERED IN SPITE OF THE REJETIONS AND… WELL TODAY HE’S PUBLISHING AND SELLING VERY WELL. “TIP OF THE DAY”? PERSEVER! IF YOU BELIEVE YOU HAVE SOMETHING GOOD TO OFFER, KEEP AT IT!!! – ODDLY, I’D WRITTEN ABOUT THE “BARN AND BORDER” STORES IN THE BOOK… THAT WENT ON SALE TODAY. LET’S SEE HOW THIS TURNS OUT. – Next item: Before she left today, Jacquie said how sorry she is that I had to go through the Hell and shit I went through last Summer… with the noise and all the other nonsense. She’d hoped that I could come here and get some peace, only to land in the middle of the Stanshit nonsense and the twats upstairs. It’s bothering her that I’m in “it” again. Imagine? SHE mentioned it. I’m actually honoured. – She hoped that tonight would be calm, since she rang up there last night and left a message: “Should I call 911?” Well, for a while, round about 20.30-21.00 there was a bit of thumping and such but since then it’s been perfectly quiet. Now, last night, I heard what sounded like the little brat squealing. Come to find out, it was the DOG! Somebody up there was doing something to the DOG to make the dog shriek! Now, me? I don’t give a shit if they beat the hell and breath out of each-other. Jacquie’s worried about the baby… Kailah being about 4 months pregnant. I told Jacquie that if Mr. Twat is that violent, that child shouldn’t be born into that environment. I explained why I felt that way, based on my own child-hood. She didn’t argue nor debate. BUT… to beat the DOG? IF I hear such a thing, I’ll call 911 and won’t “ask” them if I should! The dog will have to be taken away fro that kind of bull-shit. Bad enough my heart breaks daily for Dixie. I’ll not tolerate ANY abuse of the dog up-stairs! Period. – Moving along…. as I’ve said, the wood-stove is going tonight. It got really quite chilly in here tonight. Out-side, at 23.00, the temperature was 8° with a chill of 6°. So? There was some cedar and other wood in the kitchen from last season and… into the stove it went! Well! It didn’t take very long and the stove was ROARING! I took a video and posted it to Dorothy’s attention on fesses-book. At this moment though, there’s a WONDERFUL bed of BRIGHT embers in there and I HAD to open the flue to let some of the heat out! The top of the stove was so hot that the water in the camp coffee pot was too hot for me to pick up the pot with-out the insulated glove! The thermometre on the stove was reaching the “too hot” mark too. So the slue is open, the heat is escaping up the chimney which should warm the bricks in this “little room” and all should be well for the night. – Oh, I brought a large pot of basil in and my plants and put them in the “white room” for the night. I have to rig a lamp in there for them too, but right now, there’s a lamp that was shining on them for a few hours this evening. – Ah… it’s happening… the cold weather is creeping in. Of course, on Sunday, we’re supposed to have a Humidex of 30° again. But indeed… “it’s” coming. – Just yesterday I said to Jacquie that I wonder if 5225 will be getting pellets this year. She said, probably not since Penny probably won’t be paying. I said I thought not because there’s nobody to stack them in the shed and nobody to bring them into the house. Alas… so what? Truth is: when-ever I leave a place, those left behind realise what a friend they had. And as I’ve said all along: I don’t go for “revenge” because the worst thing that can happen to “those” people is no longer having me to “do” a damned thing for them. 5225 looks like a slum again. The rest of the place? Well… aside from the fact that Dixie might still be in there, I hope those 2 get what they deserve. – It’s 24.46, I’m in bed, Hallie’s on the sofa, The brick wall at the head of the bed is “cool” to the touch but not as “cold” as it had been. And the stove is cooling a bit, I can hear it “click”. There’s enough hot embers in there to keep it warm for several hours now. The day is… “DONE”. And it’s been quite a nice and productive day all told. Nobody could as for more. Tomorrow? (Today?) I’ll get the place cleaned up for the week-end. Shabbat is coming. The lawn could stand to be mowed. I’ll see how I feel when I wake up.

Fri.16.Sep: 0.49 and closing Thursday… on to Friday. Now I lay me down to sleep and hope that I can walk and get about fine when I wake. – 8.38 Up. Pee’ed. Coffee. Smoke. Back under the sleeping bag for a while. Quiet in the house. Cold in the yard. Sun in the sky. And another day commences… eventually. Time to find more advertising venues for the new book and perhaps, an e-mail to B,O’reilly. – We shall see. – At least I slept from 2-8.00. – (On Saturday morning here at 8.46) I dragged me through the morning and got through all of the postings for the new book on the social media. I even got to check-in at the Ello account. They’re more for the “arts” now but I tied writing into an art. Got one “Like” (or, as Ello calls it “Love”) there. Now, if folks would “Love” it enough to part with 5$. – I considered mowing the lawn today, but by the time the grass was dry of the dew, it was well into the afternoon so, I busied myself with… cleaning the wood-stove… thoroughly… opening it and brushing and Hoovering and washing the glass and out-side of it too. Decided to bring some wood into the kitchen as well already and “hauled” (Mr. Woodhauler returns for another season? GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!) a bit in from the stack out-side. Why out-side? Because I’m hoping (OH HOW I’M HOPING) that I won’t be here, come the season and the wood in the garage will be easier for Jacquie to bring in. I’m so fucking considerate… of others… and obviously not of me. Under the crates where the wood is stacked was a solid deposit of wood shavings and the likes. Probably there from “20 years” ago, as it is with just about everything else in the house. It too, got cleaned up. And then… on to the floors, of course. Hoovered round the place. Found some baking soda in the pantry and tossed some of that on the floor in the “little room” for a while, hoping to take a bit more of the musty odour out. Then sound some kind of “carpet” cleaner in the pantry closet and did the kitchen floor with that in a bucket of hot water. The place is clean. – At one point, I was in the parlour, in front of the TV and Adam came by… took the “trailer” and his boxes of veggies… didn’t even shout a “Hello”. Oh well. probably very tired. Or simply a “Vermonter”. I saw him pull away, out of the drive. – Had a “doze” in the recliner too. I no sooner sit there and I’m sleeping, whether I’m tired or not. It’s the pain… the constant pain that drains all day. – “Meal”? 3 franks and the 3-bean salad with a bit of “cobbler” after. I’m really not ever hungry these days. – Had to toddle to the store for a pack of smokes this evening. As I passed 5225, Bobo was busy with the chain saw again. I’ve NO idea what’s going on over there but Sascha was in the yard, laying on the grass. She ignored me as I passed. But no sign of Dixie. – Jada and Pat were at the store when I go there… Jada didn’t even look up and Pat was distant. Perhaps I’m on some “shit list” in town? As if it makes any difference. Fuck this place. I can’t be bothered. I’ve got more important matters, selfish matters, to attend and they’re no part of any of it. – Moving into the later evening and into the night, the “report” went to Jacquie at about 19.48, the house was almost calm, with the exception of the usual 20.30 boom-booms on the ceiling. But they didn’t go on for long. And then… all calmed. Hallie and I watched the “snews” and I had 2 teas with tonic. – Tonight was the “Harvest Moon” and it was amazing again… brilliant and, with little exception, very clear. Made all the rage on Twtr. Indeed, it was quite lovely. – I didn’t get into bed until almost 1.30 on Saturday morning (again). I can be dragging through an entire day, wanting and needing so much to sleep, but come the night… I’m tired, but just can’t seem to “power-down” enough to sleep. – But at least the wood-stove (and all the shit on top of it) is clean and ready for another season. (May I NOT be about to see this one.)

Sat.17.Sep: 8.42 Just sitting at the kitchen table on a morning when I wish I could have very well stayed asleep. Dragging quite a bit. And Hallie’s on the floor beside me, licking with that “lopping” noise and the stench. She’s a sweet-heart but I just can’t take this “need” in the morning and the noise and stench. – I have to fill-in yesterday too. Well, I don’t HAVE to but… May as well since I actually DID something with the day. – And too, this morning, the pain. Always the pain. That’s never going to go away. Although, last night, it occurred to me that 3 acetaminophen or 2 Twisted Teas seem to help. I wonder: stress, anxieties? Just general bull-shit, each and every day. – 9.05 and caught-up with yesterday and the flies in this place! Flies! Like 5225! Flies! Nasty shit! – Well, it’s a bit chilly and quite damp this morning and there’s laundry that should have been done yesterday but I’ll toss it in this morning. Pillows are going in today too. So… time to serve breakfast to Ms. Hallie and get me on my way. – (Catch-up n Sunday morning here.) 24.28 and still awake! – There was some kind of “explosion” on the corner of 23rd St. between 6th and 7th this evening. A dumpster pretty much exploded. It’s all the thing on the news tonight and “Fox”, Eric Shawn, is blithering all sorts of speculation, and person opinion, with call-in folks and such. Same shit as Sheperd Smith: It MUST be a terrorist attack. Somebody planted a bomb in the dumpster. The gloom-and-doom shit. Inciting fear. Meanwhile, it’s all under investigation and nobody knows anything for certain yet. Annoying as all shit. There was a “pipe-bomb” in an ocean-side town in New Jersey today too. It blew up a trash bin at what was a 5k race of vets and such. Not much in the way of damage but the PANIC! And THEN… a pressure-cooker, allegedly with a mobile phone attached was found on 27th Street, again, between 6th and 7th. “Chelsea” has made the news tonight. And Eric Shawn blithering about “this perfectly beautiful Fall night in NYC”. Please. All the while, Twtr is posting that people are, for the most part, the residents, taking it all in stride. Fucking annoying, to say the least. I can’t help but think though: here I am, a New Yorker, in exile dodging yet another minor catastrophe. What a shame I wasn’t there, at the time… KABOOM! All of this bull-shit would be done. – OK. MY major accomplishments of this day? Laundry. Clothes. And the pillows got tossed in for another wash and dry too. As that was going on, I was on-line for most of the day. I did… nothing. For this week-end I did… nothing. This evening, I fried the 2 lamb chops, finished the “corn pudding” and the “berry cobbler”. Then.. off to the shower! Tonight I brushed my teeth with baking soda and paste and changed the rubber band on the bottom teeth. Imagine? All these years later and I’m STILL banding the teeth together. I’ll die with this shit there. “Identification”. “Yes, it’s him. We know because of the rubber band on his teeth.” What a shame to think: Other kids got braces when they were young. I got beatings. You know what? I’m 61 years of age now… fuck it, fuck them, I made it to this old age… Isn’t that wonderful? For what? To come to Vermont, work my body into a total disaster and all for shit-and-fukkall. – BUT… in checking messages at the end of this day:
From Jacquie… 20.20:
***** “I know I’ve enjoyed the summer with alll the help you’ve given me. “ *****
Very nice. Thank you Jacquie. I know I would have been in much worse had it not been for you and your kindness.

Sun.18.Sep: 1.32 OK. Enough of all the coverage of the explosions in NYC/Chelsea. Fox News and Twitter. And sensationalism and not much more. I’m going to be damned sorry in a few hours when it’s time to run with the day. – 1.38 Somebody in a grey or silver pick-up truck just spun-out on the Highgate street, for the longest while and so much so that the stench of burning tyres is floating in through the window. LOUD! WOW! nd then went tear-assing down the Highgate street toward the Hanna Rd/County Rd. Seriously! Spun the tyres almost to the point of burn-out. I wonder… – This town is sick. And this would have been a delightful night to find a tree by a brook and… just as so many nights before this one. – Message from Jacquie this evening….
9.18 I just did NOT want to get out of bed this morning! The 6, 7, and 8.00 alarms sounded and I had all to do to get out of bed at about 8.45! Dragging this morning. Just simply dragging me about. Feeling “heavy”. Hallie’s been fed. I’ve had my coffee and made it out to the “compost” to get rid of the old veggies that were in the fridge and such. And the one zucchini. I won’t eat those… there’s a zucchini bread on the counter. I won’t eat that either. That zucchini was grown in the part of the garden where mounds of dog shit were tilled into the ground. I just can’t eat such a thing. – Anyway, that said, it rained over-night. The lawn is wet. No mowing today (or at least not this morning). I’ll get to the kitchen floor in a while. No rush. Jacquie will probably be at Cosco this morning after church. So… We’ll get to it all when we get to it. – I’d weighed me last night after the shower. 175 again! How? I can’t figure this. I’m not eating much any more. And I do believe that a lot of my troubles is from carrying this extra 20lbs. Oh well. I’m “old”. And this is what comes with “old” I suppose. – On with the what-ever. – 11.03 and the kitchen floor is drying. A morning of soc.med. More sensationalist bull-shit abounds. Out-side, it’s still cloudy and wet. And the thought: there will be “house-guests” tomorrow and for a couple of days and the lawn needs mowing. Oh well. We shall see what we shall see. – My stomach, my bowels actually, feel stuffed. And I’ve little energy yet. I’d like to just go back to sleep. But it’s Sunday… and there will be work to be done… soon. I shouldn’t whine about it. I had yesterday to do nothing. (As if I ever have “nothing” to do.) But, we take the moments as they come and go and… when the day is closed, that’s that. No sense worrying about any of it. – And now… as the floors dry, we occupy the time with what we have… what-ever that may be. –
***** 13.01 WELL! Never let it be said that Vermonters will let peace be.
At 12.23 I was in the “little room”, on the bed, jotting a fesses-book note to Dorothy when I heard, at the kitchen door, steady knocking on the door-frame and David Stanhope calling, repeatedly “HELLO! HELLO?” I got up, fumbled to put my flip-flops on (my damned right foot, the toes won’t grasp these days) and called “Hold on.” By the time I got to the door of the “little room” I saw him walking out of the porch door. When I looked out the windows facing the drive, he was no-where to be seen. Thankfully, the lap-top was still up and running, so I sent a message to Jacquie’s phone:
12:23pm and Mr. Stanhope just came to the back door. I was in the loo. He pounded several times on the kitchen door, calling “HELLO! HELLO! HELLO!” and I called back “Hang on.” By the time I got to the door I saw him leave.
I thought you should know… in case he comes back “looking for you”.
I had my last smoke of the pack, put my hat on and strolled to the store for another. There, I saw Jada who asked “How about that noise last night?” She too heard the screeching tyres! In fact, it woke her up. “Where the F was it?” I asked. “Right in front of your house! You can see where it was.” (And yes, we can. Nice circles on rubber on Main Street… directly in front of Jacquie’s bed-room window, as a matter of fact.) Well then, she confirmed that it was a “light bluish-greyish pick-up truck and that she too, saw it head down the Highgate Street. I got my smokes and left.
Ah… when I got back into the house, I noticed a “note” on the little cabinet, inside the kitchen door. I hadn’t noticed it on my way out because it was left “behind” the plants. Apparently Mr. Standhope left it behind. It reads (I’ll attach a photo just on account of because): “COWARDLY EVIL BITCH” each word underlined. So, I took photos of it and sent them.

Meanwhile, a reply from Jacquie:
“Yes he has tried to contact me Ibwas out side church when he 1st call ed & answered because I thought it might be Margorie. I HUNG UP WHEN HE SAID THIS david he has tried a dozen more times & maybe ther is a message I’ll see now. “
Well. I sent the photos with a message following:
“It would appear that Mr. Stanhope left you a note, *INSIDE* your home, when he visited a little while ago. I’ll just leave it where it is, on the little cabinet INSIDE the kitchen door.
(It’s the “Glidden” residence all over again. Well, never let it be said that any of my 5 years in Vermont have been “peaceful”. Honestly, if nothing else, this state is consistent… consistently pure evil… simply, purely evil.)
I don’t know that whether or not it’s related, but at 1:38 this morning, a light bluish-greyish pick-up truck burned rubber (as it’s called) on Main Street, directly in front of the house. The noise was such that it woke Jada (who saw the truck in action) and the stench of burning tyres came into the house. Maybe it was a coincidence.The truck then sped off, down the Highgate Street toward Hanna Rd. “
That done, I made a tap-coffee and sat to journal when….
13.12 Call from Jacquie until 13.23 She’s at the lawyer’s home in St-Albatross. She’s almost in tears over this. Apparently “David” has phoned her several times this morning and left horrific messages. Honestly? It’s as I say: This state is an asylum, an institution for the severely mentally ill! No doubt about it. As i said to Jacquie: Silas used to say that if there’s any bad Karma in the world, it finds me. Ah, but as I’ve been told and told him (and Jacquie) it’s more like: If there’s any bad Karma in the world, *I* find *IT*… and where-ever I am, I’m there just long enough to help those in the midst of it. And when it’s done and gone, it’s time for me to move on. Now I sit here wondering what fucking Karma is waiting across the lake in NY! Jacquie’s reply:
I feel so bad. You don’t deserve this.
I had to tell her: I love you for saying that.
I hope you don’t have to leave too soon. I appreciate all that you do to help me.
Well, THAT was nice to hear. Shame, really that I can’t, in my heart, believe even one syllable of it. But still.. I suppose it’s nice to hear. – So Jacquie advised that if “David” comes by again, I should call the police. (Ah yes… I’ve seen where that gets us.) Meanwhile, she’s with Peter Martin, her cousin and attorney. Let’s see what kind of shit hits the air from here on in. Well? At least I’m rather “earning my keep” in a way. Seems to me there’s truly only one real escape from all of this… The “preliminary planning” is done… now it’s only a matter of getting it all “done”. I’m tired. – 22.13 In bed. SHOWERED! And the lawn is mowed! Except the garden. But every other bit is MOWED! I started before Jacquie came back, maybe around 13.00, and finished at about 20.00. Even down to the lilies. – As for the day? Well.. let me see if I can get this in here (I’ve taken 2 Naproxyn with a Tea at about 20.00 and although my hip and legs are better, I’m tired.) Let me just start with: This state is hopelessly and irredeemably FUCKED! Not that I didn’t know that already, between my own, personal encounters, and the events of last Summer at 5225. But today? SHIT! Jacquie went to the lawyer who told her to go to the State Police. She went. The fucktards at the police station took her name, address and date of birth and told her that they “couldn’t” do anything for her UNTIL STANHOPE ACTUALLY, PHYSICALLY ATTACKS HER! SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY!!! FUCKING IDIOTS, THESE IN-BREEDS. So she went back to the lawyer who will be going with her tomorrow to the court house. For what? I’ve no idea. Eviction? Restraining Order? Both? Unknown. And, UN-believable! So she came home rather upset, dejected, anxious, disappointed, frightened. The note that was left bothers her terribly! She’s taken it to heart. I’ve tried to tell her not to, but it DOES get to her. We sat for a bit. I took a little break. I had a tomato sandwich and she had a BLT… and a glass of wine. I went back to the lawn, she watched TV and had another wine. I came back in at about 19.00 with just a bit of lawn left to mow, had a glass of water and went back to finish…I had to stop because by 20.00 it was getting dark. – When I came in, Jacquie asked what she could fix for me for dinner. I had some chocolate covered almonds and some dates. That’s been my intake for the day. – Pam rang. Jacquie had left her a message about the situation here. Pam started to leave a message: “I’m so sorry to hear about your situation….” I was sitting at table, had taken the Naproxyn (Jacquie bought a bottle of those and a bottle of vit.C too… for me! BLESS HER!) and listened to a bit of what Jacquie told Pam: she’s SO grateful that I’m here with her. (It pisses me off to think what this situation would be like if she was in this house alone. The twats up-stairs are completely useless.) She told Pam how grateful she is for my presence. And indeed… as would be expected, there was little in the way of “support” from Pam (I asked later). Franklin. Vermont. Fucking nasty shits, border to border to border to border. Jeezis! This place makes me sick! Well, I let that chat roll and we watched a little TV snews until I went in to shower. And I NEEDED THAT tonight! But how wonderful it is to be able to shower after all that work (unlike at 5225 when I wouldn’t DARE)! – BUT… when I went to shower tonight I happened to notice that, in spite of STILL being about 20lbs over my usual max, my chest is tightening a bit better again! MUCH better, that. Now if only I could get rid of this gut. – ANYWAY… I had my almonds and dates. I’d washed my 2 caplettes down with the last of the Tea (and read the label for the first time: take 1 not 2, not recommended for folks over 60, don’t take with alcohol, REALLY! How about: fukkoff, it works for me!), Jacquie had her wine and then wanted a Kaluah and milk which I fixed for her but she didn’t finish. And tonight the porch door is locked, the inside kitchen door and the door to the garage are too. – It’s been 81°F in here until just now when I put the fan on exchange” and the temperature dropped to 74. It’s WARM out there tonight. Tomorrow threatens a bit of rain. My work t-shirt is soaked with sweat. Hopefully it’ll be dry tomorrow and hopefully I’ll be able to finish the lawn. Cecil’s son is coming on Friday. Jacquie’s daughters will be by during the week. I’d like the place to look “presentable”… more for Jacquie’s sake than anything else. – She’ll be at the court-house tomorrow by 9.30. And me? I’ll hopefully be able to get to the rest of the lawn and then… ? Well.. that all depends on how the in-breeds on Franklin behave. – One note in closing this evening:
After I’d done with the lawn, I was out back having a ‘moke when I saw, only by silhouette, the two fro 5225 walking up the Highgate street toward Main. They were walking *A* dog… ONE. It wasn’t Dixie. Where-ever she is, if alive, I can only hope that she’s being LOVED as she SO deserves to be. If dead? May she be at perfect peace. As for those two? May Karma address their selfishness and apathy accordingly and may unadulterated HELL rain down on them BOTH! The front of the house looks like complete shit. May their lives be as shitty. – Time for a bit of soc.med. and then hopefully, a bit of sleep. I still have to make-up for last night’s loss of sleep. – 22.46 Temperature 21° with Humidex of… 28! No wonder it’s “warm” in here!

Mon.19.Sep: 7.55 And… at the kitchen table. Jacquie’s in the loo, getting ready for “her day at court”. And… it’s raining. As she said this morning “No yard work today.” and “No garden work this morning.” BUT… the lawn is mowed… the visible part anyway. Me? I could go right back to sleep. Last night, I kept getting horrific leg cramps. They kept me awake, and then woke me up during the night. I have to wonder if it’s not all too simply “age related”. I’ve heard, some-where, that it happens with age. So it would appear that this is what it’s going to be from here, on. Oh well. The punishment for surviving. Alas. – Today’s agenda? I don’t know. Jacquie will be leaving at about 9-ish. If I want to then, I can go for a nap. Other-wise? We shall see. We shall, indeed. – 22.36 And *HOPEFULLY* another day comes to a peaceful close. And I reflect on Jacquie, and her innate goodness, kindness, her drive to be “good” toward others, and to me, and I am, in all sincerity, “Thankful”. Not only for myself and all she’s done for me (including, yesterday’s 40 “So you an get cigarettes.”) but how I see that she’s genuinely concerned about so many others. She is, in the literal sense of the phrase, “a blessing” to those lives she touches. – The day? Well, at 9.00 or close by, she was out the door and on her way to something that truly does pain her: She and Peter submitted the paper-work to the courts (for all the good those are in this shit-hole state) to commence a “Restraining Order”. (I got to read the application and now, more than ever, wonder what was put on Silas’ application against me. “Do you live in the same house?” And the space where the reason for the request is to be filled-in. What could he have said? That a door slammed in the house after we’d had some words? And to think: the court issued it! Now, it will be interesting to see if Jacquie gets hers. And I wonder what went into the application filed by the freak against Lyle. And that shit too, got his… and HIS was for 500 feet! Essentially tossing Lyle out of his own home! Again, it will be interesting to see if Jacquie gets hers and for what distance. Knowing this state… I don’t expect it to be helpful to her in any way. But.. we shall see.) – I should have gone back to bed for the 3 hours she was gone, but I didn’t. And yes, I regretted it during the day. But when she returned, we had a bit of lunch and she went to the garden to harvest more tomatoes. We’ve got TOMATOES! For the 10 minutes she was out of the house, I laid on the bed and got a pretty good 10 minutes’ sleep! – When she came back to the house, she needed help, using the hay cart, to bring the “harvest” back. I got dressed and decided to mow the garden lawn, in spite of the fact that at about 4.00 this morning, and again at about 7.00, it rained! Oh well. Yes, it was a bit difficult, but… IT’S DONE! THE LAWN IS MOWED COMPLETELY! (I’m not only thrilled, I’m impressed. The weakness in my right ankle is more pronounced lately. The foot almost flops as i walk But I got the lawn done!) – We’ve discussed this “Stanhope” shit through the day. Jacquie learnt from Bill Mayo at the store that Stanhope had rented from his sister-in-law here in town a while back and managed to stay on the premises a year, rent-free. When the family finally got out, they stole sugaring equipment from Pat! Somebody else told Jacquie that she’d lived next door to the Stanhope parents in Enosburgh and that they were “no good”. So there’s quite the history here. – As Jacquie and I spoke on this, I mentioned that the town will be talking about David because of this and it won’t be favrouable. When I tossed in that I wonder what the town has to say about me, she simply said “Oh it’s not bad.” Not “good”, or “nice” or the likes… simply “not bad”. I wonder. I don’t care. But I wonder. And when I mentioned something about 5225, she complimented me on all the work I’d put into that property and how, today, (she noticed when she went to the store for beer and Tea… more kindness), “The front of that house looks like shit.” Her words. “What did they expect? That they could throw you out and you’d go back to keep it up?” Well… as sweet as it was to hear those words, in the core of my being, I now they don’t truly mean anything “good”. They’re just spoken, like all the words uttered in this shit-hole state. But, it was nice to hear, none-the-less. – And so, dinner tonight was WONDERFUL! Chicken breast with cream of mushroom sauce, a “string bean casserole” (that could have stood a bit more soup but was delicious), and butternut squash that was magnificent! There are left-overs for tomorrow night when Jacquie goes to BTV to meet Cecil’s son… Bill King… I have to smile and chuckle: Billy King was the Shongum sheriff when I was in Walker Valley! (And his “lady friend… Star. Bless them.) – And so, after dinner, we sat to watch some news for a while and at about 22.00 it was time to wrap the day. – Sad note: Jacquie’s so concerned about the house being locked-up. Her quality of life has been destroyed! And I have to keep in mind: it’s probably best that she DOES get locks for the doors that don’t lock (like this one here in the “little room” and the one for the “white room”) because when I’m no longer here, she’ll need to lock herself in. She said that I’ll probably have to appear in court against Stanhope. I want to impress this damage on the courts. (In spite of the fact that I believe the judge will be a douche.) – Anyway… I’ve taken 1 naproxyn tonight, and if it holds 8 hours, by 6.00 tomorrow morning, I’ll be needing another one. It’s not the “pain” tonight so much as it is the “weakness”. I’m falling apart… the time to “leave” is rapidly approaching. And if I don’t hear from NY soon… I’ll be “under a tree” before the first snow.

Tue. 20.Sep: 7.06 I SAW m’DIXIE TODAY!
Last night, as I dozed off, in that “hypnogogic” state, it was as clear as reality: I ws in the back yard at 5225 and DIXIE came over to me, in her “humble, coy” position where she’d walk almost sideways, head almost bowed, her little stump-tail wagging. I was SO touched by her coming to me and she was SO sweet. *IN* that state, that “not awake/not asleep”, it was SO REAL! I was ecstatic to see her! And then, I started back out of drifting to sleep and back into the reality that I was in the “little room” and DIXIE is gone. The heart-ache that washed over me was horrific! Painful. And I drifted off to sleep. – This morning, I heard the 6.00 alarm and was actually quite rested and ready to get up. The sun hadn’t risen yet, but I was fine. As I laid, thinking of getting up, I drifted back to sleep and into a DREAM:
I was sitting in a room, on the top floor of a house or building but more like a house. One room, with concrete walls and one large window. The room was relatively dark, but not too dark because the window was large enough so that the day-light, indirect sun, came in. I was on a bed, of sorts, sitting, in a darker corner. I was angry because I wasn’t working. In my mind I thought of contacting all the people I knew who worked in agencies. I would phone them and simply demand that they get me something, a paying job, anything at all. I would “demand” that they get me to work. “Get me SOMETHING! NOW! And you’ll pay me for what-ever work I do! I don’t want anything long-term or permanent. Just get me a good-paying job and do it NOW!”
Snap to: I was sitting in a room on the first floor of the house. Very nice and sunny. Kids, about 11 or 12 years of age, came in. Maybe 4 or 5 of them. Light-skinned Blacks and Hispanics. One kid, a little “toughy”, light-skinned Black boy comes over to me and bluntly tells me “We need you to go home.” He didn’t want me in the house for some reason. His tone actually caused me anxiety. I WAS leaving. I was on an “eviction” that expired in about a year. I didn’t want to be there, but I had no place else to go to at the time. I said “This is my home for now.” Sternly, the kid says to me “No. Not here. There. Someplace. Not here. Out there. Where it is that you go to when you’re not here. You have to go. NOW!” I was frightened, thinking that these kids would destroy the little room I had, destroy what very few possessions I had in the room, when I was away, for what-ever reason that I had to leave even during the day. I’d walk away and they’d destroy everything and I’d be held accountable. I looked at the kid, I was afraid and angry and the same time, but I said, calmly but sternly “You don’t understand. I AM going, but not NOW. I don’t have a place to go TO right now. I have an eviction and I can stay until that’s expired.” Sternly again, looking directly at me, the kid says “No. You need to go home… out there… NOW!” The possibility of having these kids destroy my few, meagre possessions made me ill. – Snap to: I’m leaving the house to go to one of the employment agencies or some such. I’m in a sort of alley-way. The kids are on the street, up the street. (The length/depth/distance is skewed in the dream… they’re close by yet at least a block away.) There at a bodega, trying to steal tickets to a show. There’s some Hispanic singer playing and they want to get into the show but they need to steal the ticket. I’m leaning against the wall of the house so they don’t see me, so they don’t know that I’m leaving. I hear them talking. Then one of the gets close enough to see me and says “Hey! Mr. Spanish!” (they know I speak Spanish), “You GOTTA GO, get out of here!” I start to say something and… I wake, heavily, out of the dream.
7.14 I’m so tired! As usual. Up at 6.00 and dozed. Well, time to wake up. – 8.16 Awake, dressed, had coffee and smoke, quick chat with Jacquie. It’s a splendid morning. Sunny, the reflection of the moon in the blue sky. There’s a breeze. The air is warm, the breeze is slightly cool. It’ more like an early Spring morning than late Summer/early Autumn. – No back pain this morning but the weakness is there. In the right hand and the legs have that “burning weakness” this morning. But all’s other-wise well enough. – The garden lawn will have to be raked. Jacquie says that next Tuesday or Wednesday, Lola is coming. I’ll have to mow on Sunday or Monday. I want the place looking good (a) so that it’s obvious that I’m doing work here AND (b) so that nobody can say that Jacquie can’t keep-up with the house. – 20.57 and I feel like it’s 24.57! It was a miserable day…I was SO FUCKING TIRED! BUT… at about 10.00, I got up, out and raked the lawn. TahDAH! – 23.13 MUCH later than I’d expected to be in bed tonight but in the bed at last! – Jacquie got in at about 2.00 as Hallie and I were out for what I thought would be my last ‘moke. Oh well. But she had an enjoyable evening and I’m glad for that! We stayed up and watched a bit of Foxsnews though and now, all are in seepie-nigh-night. – So as I was to say before I just put everything away as I was watching the snews… the day. – It turned out that out temperatures went up into the 80’sF today! And a touch on the humid side too. But, by about 10.00 or so, I was out in the yard with the rake getting up the clumps of grass. This morning, I truly didn’t want to do anything other than go back to sleep! Truly. When I’m not in pain, I’m exhausted. GO figure. But the yard looked WODNERFUL! – Then it was time to take a break and have freshly made tomato soup. I almost have to chuckle: When I made fresh tomato soup, it was tomato, salt, pepper, cream or milk. Jacquie puts in onion and bacon and such (she doesn’t put the bacon in whilst cooking so I get to choose whether or not I have any… I abstain. It’s a “control” thing for me. I’d like to put the bacon in, but I don’t. Ethics. And I appreciate it so much that Jacquie honours that. More than I can say for the rest of this state.) – Moving along… as I did, I went out to the hollyhocks to clean that up a bit. I want to put a bit of a “rail” round them since I found some old fence posts. I got to work on that and as I was doing so, Jacquie came out and started pulling weeds off the compost (manure) area and tossing them on the lawn! “There. What do you think of that?” she made the mistake of asking. I told her I found it disrespectful and inconsiderate since I worked for hours to make the yard nice. I told her it reminded me so much of the “Gliddens” BUT.. BUT… that I’ve come to expect it because it’s true: My work makes the rest of the state look bad. She put the weeds onto the compost pile and we moved on. – Hallie was barking like crazy over at the back gate. Bobo was mowing (ride-on of course), and Gordo pulled a chair out to sit and watch… BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT…..
DIXIE WAS OUT IN THE YARD!!! RUNNING AND PLAYING WITH SASCHA! I WAS ALMOST IN TEARS! IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL TO SEE HER RUNNING AND JUMPING AND PLAYING OUT THERE!!!! SHE’S WELL!!! IT SADDENS ME TO THINK THAT SHE’S PROBABLY SOME-WHAT IGNORED OR ABUSED OVER THERE, BUT AS I SAID TO JACQUIE LATER: SHE’S IN “HER HOME”, AND SHE’S WELL ENOUGH TO PLAY IN THE YARD! I tried to keep away from the fence because, well, it she’d seen me I know she’d come to the fence and the faggots would have been upset and yell at her. Not to mention the fact that she wouldn’t understand the situation and why I wouldn’t have played with her too. THAT TORE MY HEART INTO SHREDS! BUT SHE’S THERE, IN *HER* HOME AND SHE’S WELL! PRECIOUS LITTLE SWEET-HEART!
Well then, I got back to working on the railing. I got 2 of them “tied” and it didn’t hold so now I’ve got to come up with another way of building this thing. Oh well… we’re supposed to get more “Summer” weather until the week-end and then colder weather. I’ll get it done. – Jacquie left to go to BTV for dinner and I came into the house, warmed last night’s left-overs.. a LOT of food, sat and watched a bit of TV and ate dinner (after feeding Hallie, of course). After, I washed some dishes, cleaned the kitchen a bit. (Jacquie had given Hallie the large skillet last night to lick clean and I’m not sure she cleaned the skillet so…. I scrubbed it, heated it for several minutes on high flame and wiped it with olive oil whilst still hot. There’s NOTHING to think about on that thing now.) – Dinner done, SHOWER TIME!!!! A PLEASURE! (I can do a wash tomorrow if need be. Jacquie has “staff meeting”.) – After shower, a bit of checking the soc.med. NOTE FROM VINCENT: “Still trying to round up your references:. I have to check who I sent and see if I can’t change the list to something more convenient. Could we meet at the B&B this week-end or in early October? Well, all told, with the way things are going here at Jacquie’s, I WOULD like to be available when she goes to court. So I’ll have to ponder and come up with something. No doubt, I’ll just tell him the truth. BUT, it was comforting to see word from him. – And so, that pretty much covers this day I believe. WORK, and a good meal followed by a great shower followed by my tonic and Tea (only one… with a naproxyn). – I just hope I can get a “good sleep” tonight. (There’s always “nap-time” tomorrow afternoon, but I’d rather feel good enough to get to work tomorrow morning.) – All said though, what made this day MAGNIFICENT is the fact that
***** I * SAW * m’DIXIE * !!!!! *****

Wed.21.Sep: 8.11 I woke, rather well-rested, just before the 6.00 alarm and laid in the bed, half-dozing until… almost 8.00. Am in from morning smoke, after coffee and although my back and legs are doing well this morning, my chest feels congested, heavy. Oh well… as the saying goes: If I woke one morning with no pains, I’d swear I’d died. – Chill to the air this morning. The lawn is covered in dew. The sky is clear. I’ve got the fleece on but the day is supposed to get warm again. And I’ve got the project round the hollyhocks to complete… at some point… today. – Jacquie’s got “staff meeting “ today. So, there’ll be time to “work”. And I’ve got to figure ways to get to “The Port”! I can’t keep putting this off. But I think I’ll just go for the truth. After all, it’s a large part of why I need to get out of VT. – Time to browse the news and get on with the day. – I’d like to go back to sleep… of course. – 22.05 In bed. Showered. How nice. Moments ago, I was out for “last smoke” and saw a “shooting star” Well, not so much a “shooting Start” because this one was RED. It was in the atmosphere. To the North, heading in the direction of Montréal. I made a wish: For a good night to go away… very soon. “I saw 2 shooting stars last night, I wished on them, but they were only satellites. It’s wrong to wish on outer-space hardware. I wished, I wished, I wished you’d care.” – The day… well, pretty much most nothing in the morning until about 11.00 when Jacquie headed out to her staff meeting. I lolled a bit for a while, making and posting adverts for the publishing book. Learnt that “Tsu” is now gone. But posted to fesses-book. Twtr, Ello and Minds. And then? Went to the car, got the tool box and the drill and drilled holes into a total of 13 soda bottles, cut the tops off and headed out to finish the “railing” round the hollyhocks. It worked very well indeed. Not exactly as I’d envisioned, but not bad. When Jacquie got back at about 17.00, I was just about done and she said she liked it… So… It’s fine. – We had a really nice dinner of a burger, potato salad and honeynut squash. – OH! As I was working on the “railing” , a blonde woman came by for veggies. She asked for Jacquie by name so I thought she knew her and that Jacquie was expecting her so I didn’t bother to stop my own work. I told her to help herself to the tomatoes in the kitchen and to some of the squash on the steps. She asked to look trough the garden and I said to go ahead. She then asked if it would be OK to leave a “donation” on the table and of course, I said “Thank you.” Come to find out, the woman is a JW or something and she DID leave 15$! Jacquie’s insisting that I take the money “Because you worked out there in the hot sun all day.” – AH… and THEN… Jacquie’d gone to Price Choppers today and brought back “Shedd” beer AND Earl Grey tea for me! It touches my soul, that she thinks of me so kindly. I’m not accustomed to such things. Yes, I’m a touch uncomfortable with it, but how lovely that she thinks of me. What a change from others. WHAT a change. – Meanwhile, this evening, we watched a bit of news. Nothing but the riots and looting in Charlotte, NC. As per usual, Blacks. Vulgar, foul, violent. Even Jacquie commented “If only they knew, when they brought them over here to be slaves, what damage they’d cause.” Me? I have to think of Joyce, and Mack. Black. Nice enough. Bu there’s an ingrained hatred of non-Blacks, and a horrid sense of “debt to them” and “entitlement”. 150 years after the abolition of Black slavery… and they’re still savages. Point in fact. I mean: they claim to be offended by the shooting by police, of Black men… and their response? Damaging stores and stealing. No… there’s something dead wrong with them as a species. And the rest of us are in for dreadful times. The elders, not so much. But as I see it: Any-where there are Blacks, there will be horrific troubles. This is only the beginning. – The night is cooling again. I’ll have to bring the plants back in tomorrow night. Poor things. – I wonder and worry about my “references” for Vincent. And now, the notion of getting over there on the week-end this, or next. I’ll have to face that tomorrow. I believe I’ll just go with the truth: I can’t leave the house alone until we get word on the restraining order. – 22.23 I wish I had a hot tea right now. I could, indeed. Jacquie wouldn’t mind, I’m sure. I just don’t have the energy to get up, boil water. And my ankles are delighting in not being confined in shoes or having to hold me up. They’re getting worse. I’ve taken 1 naproxyn. Hopefully, both, Jacquie and I will sleep restful through the night.

Thu.22.Sep: AUTUMN – 8.02 This morning I woke, feeling “heavy”. My entire body just feels “heavy”. As if I was sinking into the bed. And again, I could well have stayed in the bed, half awake, half asleep. It would have been delightful. But… here I am… typing, after coffee and smoke. – What of the day? Perhaps I can busy myself with making the brackets for the chicken, to put on the old pine out front. I found a box of screws in the tool box when I got the drill. Well, it’s “something to do”. I don’t want to be idle too long today. Too much time to “think” isn’t any good. – Autumn comes in at 10-something o’clock this morning. It’s not “cold” out there. A little “cool”, damp, but not cold. Autumn. (Autumn in New York… I wonder…) – Tooth-ache this morning. Had it last night too. Well, as I say: If I wake and there’s no pain…. I’ll have died. – Off we go… Thursday. – 23.20
TODAY’S THOUGHT: LAST YEAR, AT THIS TIME, I WAS IN 5225 WITH THE FREAK, “GUARDING” THE HOUSE.. SOMEBODY ELSE’S HOUSE, NOT MINE. THIS YEAR, EVEN NOW, I’M DOING THE VERY SAME THING. DRAGGED INTO THE TRIBULATIONS, THE UN-NECESSARY BULL-SHIT OF OTHERS WHO SIMPLY CANNOT AND WILL NOT ALLOW PEACE AT ANY COST. – THIS TOWN, THIS STATE, IS O PACKED FULL OF HATE, FOR SELF AND OTHERS, EACH-OTHER AND ONE-ANOTHER THAT IT’S LITERALLY AND PHYSICALLY DRAINING ME. – LAST YEAR I HEARD “WE’RE GOING TO COURT. YOU HAVE TO BE THERE.” THIS YEAR , SAME TIME, I’M HEARING “WE’RE GOING TO COURT. YOU HAVE TO BE THERE.” ME? I “HAVE” TO BE THERE? NEITHER OF THESE ISSUES IS “MINE”. I’M DRAGGED INTO THIS SHIT. AND IT’S BEEN THAT WAY EVER SINCE I ARRIVE IN VERMONT. – TONIGHT, I’M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO GOING TO PT. HENRY. I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO GOING BACK TO NY… BUT CERTAINLY NOT TO HAVE A “LIFE” BEFORE DEATH. I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO GOING BACK TO NY TO SIMPLY END THIS BULL-SHIT, ONCE AND FOR ALL TIME. DONE.
In bed after a day of accomplishing nothing. Truly. Nothing. Jacquie left for work at about 14.00 and I laid down for a nap until almost 16.00. Woke, scrambled 2 eggs loaded with cheese. We’d had franks and potato salad at about noon. I was hungry. The eggs tasted nasty but I ate them. The dishes are all still in the sink. I can’t care. – I’ve been so tired lately. The nap was OK but not sleep. Just a heavy half-sleep. After eating, it was nothing but snews. I didn’t sleep. It’s all violence and aggravation. More rioting. More destruction. More human (Black human) stupidity, ignorance and general retardation. I’m fed- up with it all. But… I let the TV roll along. – Yes, Hallie got dinner of course. The banging up-stairs commenced at about 16.00, stopped at about 17.00, then picked up again at 20.00 for about 30 minutes and then for a while at 22.00. I’ve reached the end of my tolerance of this place, this town, this state, these in-breeds and retards. Just the end. – Right now, under the sleeping bag. It’s chilly tonight. Tomorrow is supposed to bring in the cold again. I’ll have to bring the plants in again too. – Sunday, Jacquie will be leaving from work and going to Venice-en-Québec to some sort of “family re-union”. Tuesday, she’ll be taking her daughters up again to meet with family. I’d like to get to the banque… I wouldn’t dare to ask. I’ll have to get to the market. I won’t dare to ask. Jacquie’s been quite kind to me other-wise BUT… let’s go back to the “BOLD” entry: AGAIN, I’M WATCHING SOMEBODY ELSE’S HOUSE AND HOME, IN A SITUATION WHERE I COULD BE INJURED… AND THEY DON’T GIVE A FUCKING SHIT. – Tired right now… one shot at soc.med. and hope for restful sleep. I doubt it. But I can hope… stupid me. – Ah, another thought:: when the landlord tried to burn us out of Hamilton Place, we lived with the door to the hall open. I keep the door to the porch open here (mainly to keep fresh air in the room but now, there’s a lead pipe beside the door… and I have to be aware of somebody trying to get into the house). I need to get the fuck out of this shit-hole.

Fri.23.Sep: 8.24
Madame Blanche-Noire Poulet
Last of 100. Almost 10 years of age. She’s now at rest with the last 2 of her sisters.

2016.23.September: 14.45.56 Mme.Blanche-Noire Poulet

2016.23.September: 14.45.22 Mme.Blanche-Noire Poulet

2016.23.September: 14.45.40 Mme.Blanche-Noire Poulet

On a cloudy, drizzly morning where, again, at 8.00, I didn't really want to wake up. But, I'm dressed and in from a smoke. Lower left tooth is a bit achy. Right leg is a touch gimpy. And thoughts are dark, of not making it back to NY. It's not a cold morning. But tonight it will get chilled. There's laundry to be done today. The kitchen needs to be cleaned. I won't be mowing the lawn today. And since the garden stakes are wet, I doubt I'll be making the brackets for the chicken. So? We'll fill the day with something. I don't know quite what. But I'm sure there'll be something. Just as long as it's not fighting. That's the main trouble here: fighting with somebody over something that I have nothing to do with. First thing in the morning. It's draining… of body and soul. – Friday. Fighting. Fatigue. – 10.27 Hallie fed. Dishes washed. Floor swept. Porch swept. One load of laundry in the washer. I need to get to the store for smokes. Should get something to eat, I suppose, but I don't know what. Still drizzling. I have to file my nails and cut my hair and don't feel like doing much of anything, save, going back to sleep. And I keep thinking of how wonderful it would be if the only responsibilities I had all day were just mine. I'm truly so tired of all of the shit around this town, in this state. I have to contact Vincent. He wanted to get together this week-end. The car won't make it. And I should tell him of the events, but I fear it will appear to be detrimental to me and my goal. No doubt, I'll be honest about it and hope for the best. As if THAT would ever happen. Oh well. – Pondering a call to Ev. Why? Not sure. But i suppose that this day, like all others before it, will roll along until it's time to go to sleep… again. – (On Saturday morning, 8.48) “Roll along until… again.” And so it did, indeed and in fact. Fuck! For most of the day, I sat, at table, going through files, re-naming them to put them in order as one load of “whites” washed and dried. Just sitting at table. I did get to wash all the dishes in the sink and even re-washed what was in the dry-rack because, well, I’ve come to know that hand-washed dishes are usually not “washed”. I’m not complaining. I just “do”. And I swept the kitchen floor. – Tonight is supposed to get cold again so the plants had to be brought back in. I looked at the “white room” and for some reason just wasn’t in the mood to even try to get it looking like a room. But the plants are in. The room isn’t all that warm, but it’s warmer than the porch so, they’re a bit better protected. – I had the rest of the tomato soup for lunch and put a block of the rice noodles Jacquie and I got at Costco the other day. Not bad. Not what I’d expected though. First of all, they HAVE to be cooked. But it made for a filling lunch. I have to force me to eat these days. No appetite for the most part. Oh well. It is what it is. – At about 14.30 I realised that I had to get to the store for, at least, smokes for the week-end. And so, I headed out the door… BAM!!! ONCE AGAIN, THE SHIT COMMENCED! True to “Vermont”… the SHIT!
As I approached the Main St. end of the drive I saw, from about the end of the garage, a “grey lump” on the grass, on the South side of the drive, between the drive and the rose bush. I didn’t want to believe what I was looking at but… it was Mme. Blanche-Noire Poulet! My insides and mind shut down as I approached the little feathered body there and when I got close enough to verify that it was her, EVERYTHING in me just closed. Thoughts, emotions… shut down. A few feathers on the grass around her, just a few, her neck appeared to have been “hacked” at the throat, her face and head pale from loss of blood, and at the top of her body, where her neck HAD connected, there was a gaping hole, filled with still-fresh blood. Her head was still attached at the “back”, as if somebody had tried to sever it but got to the neck bones and couldn’t cut through. Almost on auto, I turned back, came into the house, got the phone and went back to take photos. Why? Well, I suppose to post here (as I’ve done), and to back up my findings, should anybody want. (Oddly, somebody did!) What else was I to do? I couldn’t “save” her. I couldn’t make it not have happened. It was done… and completely. The third chicken is now gone. I took the photos and went to the store where I spent more money than I’d intended on 2 packs of smokes and a 6 of “Twisted Tea”! – Pat was at the counter. “2 packs of cigarettes and a 6-pack! Having a rough day?” she asked. “I hate this fucking town.” I quietly replied, and then told her about the chicken. Strangely enough, her FIRST response was “You think it was her tenant?” WELL! YES! I DO! BUT, that SHE should think that, first off. So we talked about it for a bit and I came back to the house, put the bag of tea and smokes on the table, opened the new pack, lit a cigarette and went to the task… the third and last chicken… and now I’ve buried all three… beside the barn, under the pines. The Three Sisters are together. Me? Numb. What can I do? What can I say? – Back in the house, I sent word to Jacquie. I wasn’t sure that I should, but I figured, best to let her know right away. She was at work, and work would give her a distraction and still time to “mourn”. And she’d have people around her to help her through. The phone began to ring… as it would right through to the night. She phoned me for details, which I gave (but I didn’t send her any photos because I didn’t believe it necessary… she didn’t see the corpse and there was no need for her to see it). She phoned Peter (attorney) who got “her version” of the situation and asked if there were photos. When I said “yes” she phoned him again. He wanted them. We got his e-mail and I sent. He suggested phoning the police. I sent the photos. Jacquie phoned the police. She phoned me to say that the police would be calling the house to talk with me. But now, it was abut 20.00 or so. The State Police did phone. The officer was kind, compassionate, understanding and sympathetic. “How do you know the chicken’s neck was rung?” It wasn’t… it was sliced. “How can you tell?” I told him that I’d buried the 2 previous chickens. One died of old age, the other, shredded. There was no signs of a fight or resistance. There’d been no cackling or such noise. The body was in tact. He agreed that it didn’t sound like “a critter” had gotten to her. When I told him the story of the 3 he said “This isn’t just a chicken, that’s your buddy.” Yes indeed. So the police will try to get Stanhope’s account of his where-abouts this after-noon and open a case and keep a record. I phoned Jacquie to tell her of my experience with the police. By now, it was about 22.30. This day HAD rolled…. right along, into the bull-shit that is this state. – Meanwhile, I’d posted a photo of Mme.’s corpse on fesses-book and Twtr. (And I got these here posted as well.) As I said to the police AND to Jacquie: this is the SECOND year of 3 years here, that I’m being dragged into the general bull-shit of this town and I’m not exactly happy about it. “I don’t know that I’ll ever live long enough to thank you enough…” Jacquie said. “It’s not about the ‘thanks’. It’s as my Mum said: if you see something that needs to be done…” True, this. I do. I don’t have to be happy about it. I KNOW there won’t be “thanks” for it. I’ll probably (might?) hear “thanks” to my face, but I’m certain there’ll be words to the contrary behind my back. But that’s not what matters. And… as I think of the calibre of persons here, in this town… in this state, for the most and greatest part… I don’t fucking much give a shit. In-breeds of obviously inferior mental capacity and capabilities. Not to say, in any manner, that I believe myself to be SO superior, if at all, but “BETTER”, to be certain. – Well, it was cold in the house tonight. Maybe it was the weather, maybe it was the 3 Teas, maybe it was the mental fatigue. I grabbed some paper and some wood from the stack out-side and a piece from the stack in the kitchen… Ms. Hallie and I had a fire in the stove again tonight. I believe we deserved it. – It tears at my heart too, to think that HER chicken is now gone. As Jacquie said, we have to keep an eye on Hallie now. If somebody could murder the chicken, there might be poison about the place. It’s going to be tough on Hallie, not having all the freedoms she had, and she can’t understand all of this. But I have to believe that she knows “something” isn’t right. I tried to keep her away from the body of the chicken, but I’m certain that some-how, she “knows”. – Well… Ms. Hallie and I watched the “snews” until about 23.30. I was going to shower before bed but tonight… I’m too tired. Off to bed as I am. I didn’t sweat today so I’m not “filthy”. The shower can wait… until after the hair-cut. – And… I DO HATE this fucking state! It’s been 5 fucking years of fucking bull-shit almost each and every year. And to think: Once upon a time I was tickled to be here. I came NOT to change things, but to become a part of them… FUCK THAT SHIT! I DO NOT WANT TO BE A PART OF ANY OF THIS SHIT! I’M NOT PERFECT AND MY LIFE HASN’T BEEN A BLESSING TO ME OR TO OTHERS, BUT I’LL BE DAMNED AS I BREATHE IF I HAVEN’T COME FROM AND BEEN ONE FUCKING STEP ABOVE ALL OF THIS SHIT HERE! Simmons said, about the Shelter: “If you can become complacent in this place, there’s something very wrong right there.” She should only know about Vermont! It’s no “Shelter”… but it most certainly IS a “Mental Institution”… for the hopelessly in-bred!

Sat.24.Sep: 8.40 at kitchen table feeling as if I’d been slammed and run over by several trucks and a train. Maybe it’s because, last night, I went t sleep with a horrid tooth-ache. Lower, left side this time. There’s a broken tooth there and last night it was in a rage. Not sure if it’s the tooth, sinuses or both. But it was painful. – This morning, my back and legs are OK. But my chest is tight. And as I stood, having a smoke, I wondered: what would happen if I dropped dead? I’ve no money for burial or cremation. Oh well. There’s really no sense worrying about it. I’ll be dead. – There were a few embers from last night’s fire in the stove and one piece of wood left out. I put the wood into the stove and it’s just igniting. It’s damp this morning. Fog covering the North-Western hills. The sun is trying to burn through. Fog. Just as there is in my head. – List of “To Do”s today? Finish my washing, take a hair-cut, pull up some turnips. No lawn, I shouldn’t think. And on the list I made yesterday: “brackets for Mme.” No, I don’t suppose so. – It’s terribly “empty” with-out her. I stepped out the back door to have my smoke, let Hallie out and it’s “empty” out there. How we become accustomed to certain routines, expecting certain events… like the little chicken at the door. – How I hate this place. And Jacquie repeating her concern that I’ll leave “too soon”. I can’t stay in this environment and, given the opportunity, I’ll leave when I can. – Now? I should complete the events for yesterday. With all the shit, I never did put anything down. The last thing I wrote was: “But i suppose that this day, like all others before it, will roll along until it’s time to go to sleep… again.” Indeed.. it “rolled”. Fuck. – I went to bed last night, with t-shit and under-drawers and socks on… with the lead pipe and the head of the bed! Doors all closed tightly. This bull-shit needs to come to and end… and not with me in it! – 9.36 and caught-up with the notes. The fog out-side is lifting, not being burned-off. Time to check the météo and see what bull-shit today will bring. Things to do… let’s see if I actually DO them. (Maybe a bit of work on the new book… or… maybe just a new book altogether… this place is like Stephen King… gone amok. Fuck.) – 2038 and what have I done? Nothing. I sat about most of the morning, on soc.med. I DID manage to get some video clips posted to Austin. It’s her 11th birthday today. And as for the rest I really couldn’t say. I didn’t nap. I managed to stay awake. I did get to clean out some boxes in the “white room” and brought the plants back in. Set up a lamp. Kept a very low and slow fire in the stove to keep it warm. And that just about covers it. And I’ve just Hoovered the floors. – Oh yes! HAIR-CUT! I TOOK A HAIR CUT TODAY. THERE! SOMETHING NECESSARY ACCOMPLISHED. – And now? A “tea” and it will be off to the shower soon… at which point, I’ll finish the laundry. Tomorrow, MAYBE, I’ll get to the lawn. I didn’t really feel like doing the lawn today. It’s been an “empty” sort of day knowing Mme. is no longer out there. It’s hurting me more than I thought it might. – The sheriff was parked out front of the house (“our house”, as Jacquie referred to it when she phoned at 19.00) twice during the day. I didn’t bother to go see why or where he went. I just sat and hoped nobody would come to the door. Nobody did. – And so, now? A bit of soc.med. and to the shower. This day is dark. The floors are ready for a wash tomorrow. There’s 3 pieces of wood in the stove, not burning heavily. I think it might be damp from yesterday’s rain but at least it keeps the stove warm, thus, keeping the air warm in the house. – 23.28 IN BED! SHOWERED! The last of the wash (except the one blue shirt I forgot, fuck) is in the dryer. The lights are off (save the loo), there’s a slow fire in the stove, and the day is done! Teeth brushed. Hair cut. Beard trimmed. Neck shaved. I even put stuff on my face to get rid of the horrid wrinkles that have appeared (gee, I wonder why). I’m HUMAN tonight. Even my finger nails are filed. The dishes are in the drainer, drying. Tomorrow, just a quick mop over the kitchen floor and tah-dah. I doubt I’ll clean the stove though. – Jacquie seems to have a notion that she’s going to visit her daughter in Fairfax and… Hallie and I are to accompany. Me? I’m not too sure about that. I really don’t want to visit folks. First of all, I’m always tired these days. And secondly, I just am not in a frame of mind to “visit”. But, we shall see what sort of “demands” are made… when the time comes. – Tonight, I’m just in from last smoke out back. What an “empty” feeling it is, knowing that Mme. isn’t in the tree. It’s chilly out there though. At least she’ll not have to fend against the cold and damp any longer. Interesting, to think, a chicken… can be missed so terribly. The yard is “empty” with-out her. I still can’t be too certain that it was, as Jacquie called it “foul play”. But if some creature, some “domestic” creature did her in, should I ever learn, beyond any shadow of doubt, which one it was… there will be “an eye for an eye”. But no matter what did her in… it’s this town, and I truly, in my heart and soul, HATE this town. This is just another point on the scale of HATE. – My tooth is aching again now that I’m in bed. It feels more like sinus than tooth. I should probably take a “PM” med for it. An antihistamine would help. I just don’t want to be groggy in the morning tomorrow. Oh well… yes… take one… for sleep more than anything else. – 23.40 Taken. PM. In about 20 minutes it should kick-in. I hope it works. There’s 28 minutes on the dryer. I hope the clothes are dry by then. – Other than all of this, the day is done. The fan is on in the window, pulling the warmer air from the rest of the house. It’s actually quite comfortable in here. The termo on the fan registres 64°F and isn’t at all cold. But this sleeping bag on this bed is amazingly warm anyway. I’m comfortable. Thank you Jacquie. – I still have to contact Vincent. Although, I’m thinking this isn’t going to come through. I may re-post the advert. I wonder though: another position might involve shovelling snow, and I don’t know that I’m able to do that any more. It’s been 2 “good” days with the back and legs. But I don’t know about tomorrow. Oh well. That too is one of those “We’ll see.” as Mum used to put it. We just can’t be certain about tomorrow. I try not to think about being “comfortable” then. I think about *making* myself comfortable… against the worst. – A little more soc.med. browsing and then? Hopefully the dryer will be done and I’ll be off to try for sleep… in spite of the pain on the left side of my face. It figures: this would have to happen now. The back and legs are good… we can’t have… “pain-free”.

Sun.25.Sep: 11.05 At kitchen table, banana on bread, have had coffee, 2 smokes, washed the kitchen floor and the toilet in the WC and started a bit of a fire in the stove which isn’t doing very well (again). Woke to the 6, 7, and 8.00 alarms and dozed until 9.00 and I’m ready to go back to bed and try for more sleep. Tired… always tired here. I go to bed tired, I wake tired. Depression… I’ve no doubt. – 11.10 Jacquie just rang. She’s at Swanton and en route to Venice. I’d forgotten about that. Ah… a morning of silence? Very nice indeed. And… I could well have stayed in bed a while longer Oh well… I’m awake now. And the day commences. Another day… here… in this shit-hole. But my Sunday morning chores are done. On with the day…. – And no Mme. again… this morning. A reminder: MUST get the fuck out of here! – This morning, I thought: It’s been almost 6 months of this hanging on with Vincent. I’m rather fed-up with this bull-shit. It bodes “not well”, not well at all. My nerves are shot. Granted, there are things that will have to be done for Jacquie. But… I’m about at wits’ end. – 6 months is MORE than enough time for this to have been settled. Before too long, there’ll be snow and ice all round. I’m fed-up with THIS shit as well. – 16.11 And… Ms. Jacquie’s still not back. I didn’t expect her to be, actually. She said “Later in the after-noon.” which, in “Jacquie-time” is… any time before 21.00. – I composed a note (2 pages) to Vincent but haven’t posted it. I’m “pondering” just how much detail to send along. I doubt this “move” will ever take place. More to add to my already present “depression”. – It’s been cold in the house all day. The fire took 3 hours to actually kick-in this morning, but the stove’s going now, mostly embers. But it keeps the absolute chill out, in spite of the sun shining out there. And I’ve spent the entire day on-line… bored and ready to nap. But I don’t want to sleep yet… lest I be “awake” at bed-time. – But it’s been calm… and I can’t complain about that. – Had a banana samich for breakfast, just finished a block of “noodles with budduh”. “Dinner”. I’m done. – I can’t believe how quickly this day has passed. But at least there’s been no “Let’s go!”. – There’s supposed to be a “meeting” with the lawyer this week. But on Tuesday, Jacquie will be gone for the day again… back up to Québec with her daughters. Another day of “hopefully”, calm. – 16.55 Finished the potato salad and a tea and… the sun is setting. The stove is FINALLY giving off some heat. And… I’d like to wrap in a blanket and go to sleep. – 21.56 and back in bed at last. The termo on the fan reads 61° but it’s chilly in this room. Oh well… the brick part of the wall is “warm” and so too, the outer walls. Better than 5225 where there was NO source of ANY heat at all. – This turned into quite the evening… WHAT A FUKTARD THAT LOLA TURNS OUT TO BE! Jacquie came in and wasn’t here but an hour or less and had me get ready to hit the road. Off to Fairfax where she was supposed to have dinner with her daughter and some of Lola’s “friends”. Ah… we took the drive down through Sheldon and the North Rd to the South Rd and it was a delight. But when we got to Lola’s? She, Lola, was in the kitchen, cooking and never acknowledged that we were there, walking about the yard. (The view from her back yard in breath-takingly beautiful with the view of the mountains. I’m sorry I didn’t get a photo.) The doors were open and so, Jacquie made her way in, calling “Is anybody home?” Then called for me “Come in. Come in.” “I brought Judah with me, I hope you don’t mind.” she said to Lola who almost didn’t bother to turn from the stove when she snapped at Jacquie “Well, I wish you would have told me because I’ve only cooked just enough for 6. There’s this thing called ‘verbal communication’. You’ve heard of it?” and then went into some sort of “None of the girls knows him….” Then Jacquie said something about getting beer or something (to contribute to the dinner) and Lola went into another tirade about having enough beer, wine and some other shit. By this point, I was so thoroughly disgusted with the absence of simple décorum that I quietly said “I’ll just go sit in the truck.” and left… to sit in the truck. It wasn’t but moments later when Jacquie and Lola appeared at the truck. “Come inside.” said Lola. “No. I’ll not be inconvenienced and will not inconvenience anybody else.” I replied. And when Jacquie asked me to come in, I got my little bag and got out of the truck and said “Oh don’t worry about it, I’ll find my way back to Franklin.” and started to walk down the drive to the street. HELL! IT WAS PAINFUL TO WALK! MY ANKLES, EVEN IN THE DOCS, DON’T WANT TO HOLD ME UP, ESPECIALLY FOR ALL THAT WALKING! (My life is DONE NOW! I can’t walk!) I’d made it some little distance when Jacquie pulled the truck up beside me, Ms. Hallie looking out the window at me. Yes, I got into the truck, feeling like complete shit. I explained to Jacquie that my difficulty was witnessing her daughter addressing her in such a disrespectful manner. True, that, but to completely ignore ME? AND talk to her mother that way? Double whammy. “But, it’s what I’ve come to expect from Vermont.” I said. And all the way back to the house I tried to dodge and avoid any further discussion on the matter. – Well, I was hungry. Jacquie had eaten well at the family get-together. But there was no sense in eating anything “substantial” when we got back. I had a Shedd’s. Jacquie had a glass of wine. We had cheese and crackers. Yes, I’m hungry tonight but that’s fine. – WHAT A FUKKUP! What shit! – On Tuesday, Lola, Amie and Jacquie are supposed to go to visit family in Québec and now Jacquie’s not sure that Lola will go. Honestly. Classless. But again… “Vermont”. But… not my monkeys, not my circus. – That said, I have a note composed, to send to Vincent. I’m still pondering and considering sending it. I’m at the point now where it’s time to spend my nights planning on when to get out of here and where to go… and to simply “GO”! This is more than enough and I seriously doubt that there’s going to be a nice little place at the other end when I leave. I’m not putting any trust or faith in Vincent. I tend to believe that this, taking on a property manager was a whim and that whim has passed. By now, he should have gotten in touch with Ev, and Aline at least. Ramdai might be impossible and Barbara may have moved or something. Oh well… As I say: I’m no longer planning on it. Instead, I’ll be here for the preliminaries in Jacquie’s “cause”. ONLY the prelims. Once they’re done? I’ve no further debts to ANYBODY in this shit-hole state… and at the rate my legs and ankles and feet are failing? Going up the mountain, even to a make-shift igloo will be most welcome. – On that note, a quick zip through the soc.med. I don’t think I’ll post the note to Vincent tonight. I’ll “sleep on it” and if I want to send it in the morning, so be it. – I SO FUCKING HATE HATE HATE THIS STATE!

Mon.26.Sep: HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOYCE! Imagine! I STILL remember. – 6.25 and yes, awake for another day. Why? No sense asking. It’s just a fact. Oh well. – Chilly morning. The thermo on the porch reads 40F but I’m in from a smoke and it’s not too cold… not TOO cold out there. No frost. No dew. And Hallie’s “pinkled”. Jacquie’s busy in the kitchen. I’ve had coffee and vitamins too. There’s a small fire in the stove. – Last night was a bit “rough”. Coughing. Congestion. Wet congestion. For a while too. And a “half sleep” for most of the night. – And this morning, when I “woke”, the bit of annoyance from yesterday evening’s experience at Lola’s. The utter classlessness of the ordeal. I have to move on from that. It happened. Let it go. – Pondering whether to send that message to Vincent this morning. I’ll “edit” and send. I’ve the feeling he’s going to take it all the wrong way. But what the fuck? If so… then it will be so. But he should know something… I suppose. An “edit”, because it’s rather long. And then…. send. – Another fucking day in a fucking shit-hole town, in a fucking shit-hole state, full of fuckery. – 24.23 In bed. Warm room! Showered. Mowed the lawn! Nice dinner. Jacquie bought more Tea. Watched debate. Then showered. Hungry though. Twtr’ed. Off to try for sleep. – (Tuesday 20.22) Let’s see what I can recall from what I jotted last night. – Well… I edited the note to Vincent. Still came to about 2 pages but it was a tough more to the point. I am, I’ve no doubt, fucked now. But that’s OK. If he dumps the whole offer, I can just get into the car, head to the Hurricane and do what must be done. Finished. I’ve had more of this shit than I can tolerate for any length of time. – *** THE LAWN GOT MOWED TODAY! Except the garden. The fucking pull string on the white mower snapped, at the fucking handle! I have to take the engine apart to get at it. I tried but it got a bit more involved than I want to get into. Jacquie said we can take it to be repaired. I’d like to repair it myself. I’ll see what I can do… eventually. I put the “washed” air filtre back into the “propelled” mower and finished the lawn though. I feel much better now. If any of the daughters come to the house tomorrow, it’ll look nice enough. Never let it be said that Jacquie can’t take care of the place. – We had a nice dinner this evening… a bit later than Jacquie would have liked, but I HAD to finish the lawn. Bean casserole and eggplant parm. It was, to be honest, quite delicious. – Jacquie had gone to the store for something and came back with more Twisterd Tea for me. She DOES think about me. It’s sweet. I wonder why. I shouldn’t. She IS a kind person, truly. It’s very much more of what Danielle said at the Estremos, in Queens when she told me of the back-stabbing of Ida Guadagno: “That’s why I don’t do all I can and all I’d want to do because these people appreciate nothing.” to which she replied “The shame is that it hurts the ones who DO appreciate.” Yes… I’ve put up with 5 years of back-stabbing and bull-shit in this shit-hole state… and it hurts those who MIGHT or DO appreciate what I do. Anyway… we had dinner, she had wine, I had Tea … And then we sat to watch the Presidential debate. Jacquie slept before and through most of it though. I managed to put up with 75 of the 90 minutes of it. At 22.30… it was time to wind this day down for all in the house. Ms. Hallie and I went for a ‘moke. Jacquie got ready for bed. When she was in bed, I took my shower and… hit the soc.med. to see the comments on the debate. – This day is wrapped.

Tue.27.Sep: 8.36 Slept until just past 8.00! Coffee. Smoke. Done. And the thermo on the porch i reading 60F! The world is soaked. Must have been rain. And have already discussed last night’s debate. Jacquie’s got a wash in this morning. No mention of her “tour with the daughters” today. But I’m dressed, some-what ready to hit the work-day. I’d like to “lounge”, but I don’t see that happening. – Now to check the e-mail and see if there’s any reply from Vincent. My guts are wrenched. – Another morning in Shit-hole. – 11.51 Back from a drive along the Middle, Gallup and Richard roads… to see Jacquie’s old home-steads. It was supposed to be to see the trail up Minister’s Hill because Amie is coming on Thursday to climb up with her “friend”. But we drove round the Gallup road were Jacquie stopped to talk to the woman at the gun shop for a bit. Then we drove up to the end of the Richard rd. where, in the field was the gate “ROAD CLOSED”… the border. It truly IS ever so close to the house! But when we got to the last place her parents lived (they moved to it in 1951) that place is incredibly beautiful. From the house, the view is up beyond the border and into “Québec!!! Jacquie has always said how much her Mum loved that place because she looked out the windows to “Canada”… her home. Well, yes, indeed, it is MAGNIFICENT! On the way back to the house here, Jacquie stopped to chat with Gaylord who asked after Bob and I told him about the situation there. He said he’d noticed how the place has gone “down” and was wondering what had happened. Now he knows. We came back, Jacquie and I, and had rice and chicken and pot stickers for lunch until it got to be about 13.30 and she was off to meet with her daughter. BUT…. ***** DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA! JES! WHAT A TRUE “DRAMA QUEEN”! Annoying at best though. He came by with some list of suggestions for Jacquie which included “Armed Guards” and “Surveillance Cameras”!!! Guards, says he, cost about 20$/hr. and he’s ready to cover the cost. OH! The details and the “I’ve designed… “ etc. Then he started to spew something about the laws of the state and such. I simply, quietly, interjected “Title 9 of the Vermont Statutes”, to make it clear that I’ve read the “law” AND the statutes. Not, mind, that that made any difference to him at all. But then again… I know what I’m dealing with here. I don’t give a shit. Once again… I’ll let THEM attend to their affairs. As he spewed, I researched the judge and tried to find more info on the “defendant”. But seriously… this state is nothing but conflict and turmoil and over-dramatisation. I can’t WAIT to get out of this shit. – ANYWAY….. – 20.13 The house is calm. It’s been “a day”. I’m at the kitchen table. Ms. Hallie is on the floor beside me. Jacquie is out with her daughter, Amie, in Québec. And the place is quiet here. – I slept, on the recliner, form about 15.00-16.30 this afternoon, after Jacquie left. THEN… I hit the wood-pile in the garage, so she can get to the freezer out there. OK. It was a mistake to do that and I’m paying for it tonight. This “gimp” is a bit worse. In addition to being so fucking weak in the ankles, the right leg is weak. Trying to walk up and down the garage steps was a misery. But… the wood is RE-STACKED in the garage. (And I recalled having had to do the same shit last year, so that Jacquie could get to the fridge out there … fucking twats up-stairs… TWO years in a row? They’re a couple of fucks. But typical of “Millennials”: Fuck up the job you don’t want to do, knowing that somebody else will do it properly. No sense getting angry. The work will garner “Thanks”. Speaking on the matter will only prompt excuses.) OK. The wood in the garage is stacked and there’s wood in the kitchen too. My “work” for the day. I’ve eaten the left-over rice and pot stickers from lunch, the left-over peach-raspberry compote, dishes are washed and I’m having my Tea-tonic with my naproxyn. Jacquie said something about being back by about 21.00. If she does? She does. If not? Well… I’ll take my shower and get to bed when I want to. – I need to get some stuff in on last night so… – 20.43 and the RUNING AND BANGING UP-STAIRS! They must know that Jacquie isn’t in. Seems Patrick is running the complete length of the house! Twats and Shits, the lot of them. – 20.55 and caught-up with the entries and almost done with my T&T here. I’m almost ready to head to bed. As always… I’m tired. And there’s no telling WHAT tomorrow will bring. – Off to some soc.med. for a little while though. – 22.21 Showered and in bed. It rained a bit. A little lightning. Nothing much. – No Jacquie. No word either. Oh well. It’ll be interesting to see how much noise she makes when she comes in. But I’m tired and it’s time for me to get to sleep. Bad enough I sleep until 8.00 these days. One day… I’ll just go to sleep…. with-out any concerns about a waking hour. That night can’t come soon enough.

Wed.28.Sep: 0.42 and still awake. Just came in form a smoke. Jacquie came in shortly after 22.30. I went to greet her and came back to bed which is when she went to bed. Of course, I went through my soc.med. and just now, went to have a last smoke. The porch door was shut tightly! I tried to open a window but they’re all stuck. So I pulled on the porch door and got it opened quietly. Now it’s at the point where she’s frightened. I thought, as I had my smoke on the back steps:
This town… so wrapped in its hatred of one-another, to the point where they don’t actually speak with one-another. Something the likes of Stanhope’s bull-shit should have been common knowledge, one would think. But not here, not in Franklin. Ugly… this town is just ugly.
And Jes’ nonsense from the beginning is doing no good. At first, jumping into the recommendation of running to the police, getting a “Restraining Order” out. And now? The bull-shit about getting “armed guards” and “surveillance cameras”. He’s terrorising Jacquie!
And I thought: If anything untoward was to happen, it would, most likely happen at night. And since I’m awake, and sometimes out in the yard late, having a smoke, I’d be the one to witness (or be dragged into) it.
I didn’t come here for this. I didn’t move up North for this shit. I came here believing “life” would finally calm down, would get better. It’s been 5 years… and come October, it WILL be 5 years. And each year has held some kind of conflict. This is bull-shit. And it’s getting to me.
And it’s another day… of even MORE bull-shit. – 23.03 In bed and SHOWERED! Tooth-ache on the left lower side tonight, again. But that’s in addition to the PAIN in my BACK and LEGS! Right across the waist/lower back and down BOTH LEGS tonight! Honestly! – Well… I received a very nice reply from Vincent today. He’s planning on being up the week-end of the 14th. I DO believe I’m just going to get into the car an try to get there this time. I’ll have to plot and plan a route… one that gets me out of VT the quickest. But I MUST get over there. Shit! I’ve been in cars that have made worse noises than the Subaru is making now. And as for the brakes? Well… I’ve been in cars with worse brakes too. THIS is IMPORTANT and I MUST give it a try, at the very least. – The day? It got started at about 11.00 when I went to the barn ready to try and repair the White mower. Listening to Alcia Keyes “Empire State – New York” … Ah-HAH! Would you believe? (Of course I would! Me… dumblenuts.) The pull cord mechanism was right on the top of everything! I’d taken it off originally but never actually LOOKED at it! So there it was! I pulled the cord out, re-attached it to the pull handle but it isn’t long enough to reach the original nut/loop on the handle so I rigged a coat hanger to hold the handle as I mowed…. AND I MOWED… THE GARDEN LAWN! AND I RAKED THE GARDEN LAWN! CLEANED THIS PLACE RIGHT UP! -Bad news: as I was raking, something on the LEFT side of my waist/back went today! SHIT! BOTH sides of my lower body are now in PAIN! I’m just SO FUCKING FUCKED! But I kept at the work until it was done. – Chatted with Dickie Cooper again today. It started out with me being nasty though. I’ve been in a mood ever since going to Lola’s and not apologetic nor polite. – Just in from last smoke and a gaze at the starry night sky. Beautiful. AND picked my teeth and the tooth-ache is gone. There was something stuck in there. Thank you! – So… the chat with Dickie was rather fun and I’ve promised him some tomatoes. Darlene wants to can some. She’d ordered 2 bushels that she’d never gotten. Well, Jacquie came out to the garden and when he asked her, she told him to come get some BUT that she’d “promised” some to that broad… Sue Rich… to take to market. I told Dickie I’d rather HE got them since Sue takes, sells and gives Jacquie nothing. Dickie told me he’d pay me for some… “At least so you can get some cigarettes.” Imagine? How sweet! So tomorrow, Amie comes for dinner and Jacquie will go to work for 22.00. Friday, I’ll get Dickie as many tomatoes as possible and more if possible. – Well… I finished the lawn work and took a break. Jacquie took a nap and I took a Tea and sat and listened to and sang with Alicia Keyes a bit. And then I got to the old manure pile that’s been nothing but an eye-sore of weeds there, in the yard. Mowed that right down! And then took the clippers to it. Now, in stead of some stand of grass and weed, it’s a manure pile again! I know Jacquie’s not too thrilled because I mowed the clippings onto it. But… it’s a HELL of a LOT cleaner than it was. (All this, in spite of the PAIN in my back.) – And THEN it began to drizzle as the sun was setting and WOW! WHAT A RAINBOW! I TOOK PHOTOS TOO! IT WAS, AS JACQUIE SAID… “YUGE!” AND DOUBLE AND BRILLIANT AND LASTED FOR QUITE SOME TIME! A RAINBOW! DELIGHTFUL! VERY SWEET. – But then, it was time for dinner and tonight Jacquie made a little pizza and a “Pudding Chomeur” for desert and I had another Tea and another naproxyn. (I should be pain-free since I’d take a naproxyn at about 13.00 too but… the pain is so bad that even the naproxyn isn’t kicking it.) ANYWAY…. we had dinner and then settled down to watch some snews in the parlour until about 22.00. I took Hallie out for a ‘moke and Jacquie got ready for bed. When she’d gone in to her room, I went in for a good shower. I’m going to have to make a wash tomorrow morning though. – I’m not looking forward to meeting this “Amie”. But I’ll give her a bit of a benefit of doubt and hope shes not another “Lola”. (I think Amie is the Lesbian… although, Lola behaves like a dyke.) – On that note, I guess it’s time to hit the soc.med. and try for a nap of sorts. I should be up and about by 7.00 instead of 8.00 tomorrow. And I have a feeling that Jacquie’s going to be a bit manic. She seems to love Amie very much so… Hopefully all will go well. Amie was talking about hiking up Minister Hill tomorrow. If they do, I truly and honestly am not even able to ponder doing so, in spite of the fact that I’d have liked to. Oh well… I don’t suppose it’s important .

Thu.29.Sep: 9.38 Not as late as I feel. I heard the 6.00 alarm and this morning, I very well could have stayed IN BED! But…. not this morning. By 8.00 I was awake and up and moving. Even got to make a wash this morning. And am now in clean clothes… and on the bed. *** PAIN *** to the point where I even took a naproxyn with morning coffee. I could easily get right back under the blankets and go back to sleep. I SHOULD Hoover the floors. But I don’t know that I should. There’s still time. Somebody’s flight lands in Plattsburgh this morning at about 11.00 so there’s nobody showing up any time too soon. I’m just hoping that Jacquie (who’s in getting dressed) will have a “lie-down” at some point…. soon. She’s been up and baking already. I’m just SO dragged-out already this morning. There really isn’t anything to”be done” this morning. The “heavy work” (lawn, etc.) is done. Looking at t his room is annoying though. It’s a bit of a mess. I just wish I had the stamina to “tidy” it. But I just don’t… and can’t care. – Let’s see how the day goes. It’s going to be rather long. Dinner with Amie and ? and Jacquie here until at least 21.00. I HOPE that, when she leaves, I’ll be able to go right to bed and right to sleep. – 23.21 I DIDN’T THINK I’D EVER GET INTO BED TODAY! But here I am. Not showered. But I don’t need a shower and I don’t really care. But the dinner dishes are done and the kitchen is in order and all’s well at last. – I HAVE ANOTHER TOOTH ACHE TONIGHT! I’m rather convinced it has something to do with raspberries. Seeds, probably, stuck someplace. We shall see… no raspberries over the week-end. Let’s see. – Well, Jacquie worked ALL day, cooking a beautiful dinner for Amie and Terry (Theresita) (shes from PR!). They arrived, in a spiffy VW bug, white, convertible. at about 16.30 or so and I have to say that it was a pleasure to meet and dine with them. VERY NOT Lola! A delight. And dinner was superb! Chicken, Honeynut squash, green-bean casserole, a wonder sauce for the chicken, beets and corn on the cob, all veggies from the garden. I passed on the corn this evening, hoping to dodge the tooth-ache, but desert was raspberry pie and BINGO! Tooth-ache. So? We shall see tomorrow and I’ll hit the teeth with the Comet. But all said and done, it was a delight! – They left about 19.30, Jacquie left at about 20.30. I got to the dishes and the kitchen and all’s well with the world. – One note though: It was a day of non-stop *** P*A*I*N ***! The back, waist, legs, feet. Just constant. I’ve taken my THIRD naproxyn of the day a little while ago and am hoping it will last through the night. – One other note: Monday is Rosh Hashanna… and I have to go to the lawyer with Jacquie at 10.00! FUCK THESE PEOPLE! REALLY! I NEED to get the fuck out of here! And I’m STILL seriously contemplating taking the Subaru to Port Henry on the 14th or that week-end. Must do what must be done or I’ll be stuck here. – On that note, a bit of catch-up on the soc.med. and hope for a night’s sleep. Between the NY issue and this shit with Stanshit here… I’m running out of patience and running out of … me.

Fri.30.Sep: 10.35 I SLEPT-IN UNTIL 10.00 THIS MORNING! And, believe it or not, I could STILL go back to bed. Oh well. – The LEFT side of my hip is sore. I wonder if my pelvis hasn’t been shifted. It would explain the “gimp” and the sensation that my right leg is shorter, some-how. What-ever. I’ve had coffee and smoke and another naproxyn. Its getting to the point where pills for pain are becoming part of the morning “meal” of coffee and smoke. Ah… one of these days. – And today? Well, I’ll try to get tomatoes to Dickie Cooper at some point, for 2 reasons: to see IF he’s of his word (money for smokes) an because I said I would. Other than that? I’m not certain, but something will come along. Of that, I’ve no doubt. Lettuce sea. – 24.26 I’m not quite ready for this being the 1st day of October so I’m sticking to today… As Lou used to say “I haven’t been to sleep yet so it’s still today.” – And today? Well… I MADE SOUP! AND 10$! It took me until almost 14.00 to get my shit together, but at last, I went out to the garden to harvest 17lbs of tomatoes for Dickie Copper AND beets and turnips. Brought the roots into the kitchen and then brought the tomatoes to Dickie who gave me 10$ … or 27 cents/lb which is shit but it beats the nothing that Sue Rich would have given Jacquie for them. And, I get a pack of smokes out of it. Plus, he wants more tomatoes and beets too! So there’s still a little income to come along… maybe. And we had a nice chat too. He’s not really such a horrid person, as is said by the town. He’s crude, yes. But he’s just “folks”. At least that’s my stand. – Meanwhile, I headed to the store for ice cream and heavy cream for me, PopTarts too. Some bread (that I was going to use for the chicken I was going to have for dinner but didn’t) and an onion… and a pack of smokes. Passing 5225, their Eric’s car was there again, but Gordo’s car was gone so there’s no telling. Seems their Eric spends much time at the place of late. I don’t see the car there enough to believe that he’s moved in (yet), but if he does, he’s in for a terrible shock, unless Bobo’s put that room on the heat system. And they received 3 tonnes of pellets the other day (and Gordo took some off the pallets and was handing them to Bobo in the shed. I think they got the all moved ) but… in any event, if they have the pellets, Eric will still be in the “cooler” all Winter, should he be there. Oh well… as I did… live and learn. – Moving along… I hobbled back to the house. My right foot is all but useless, even in sneakers and not so much better, but a bit better, in flip flops. I mean, if I had to run, I’d be dead. I simply CAN’T RUN! But I made it there and back and as soon as I got back into the kitchen… SOUP! Cleaned and peeled beets, turnips and 3 large, “white” and flavourless carrots. Cut them up and tossed it all into the large “soup” pot which, by the time I got all the roots in, almost over-flowed. Put it on the heat, added dried dill, fresh basil and parsley from the kitchen, pepper (it’s very pepp’ry), a bit of salt and then, after taking a bowl of broth out so that it wouldn’t boil over, a bit of olive oil and some other seasoning (with-out salt) that I’d found in the cup-board. Once it all boiled down (18.30-21.30), the extra broth went back into the pot to boil until about 22.15. – “Dinner” for me? the end of the eggplant parm, some squash from last night and some green-bean casserole… followed by 2 dished of ice cream… and a beer. I’ve also taken my 2nd naproxyn of the day. – As for the naproxyn… 2 each day is probably not good for the rest of my body since the label warns of bleeding… especially for folks over the age of 60. But if it helps keep me going… it’ll become a “routine” every day. Oh well… one way or another I’ll be “gone” this Winter so WTF? – Other-wise… the day went along and the kitchen is clean. I’ve 6 Bustello jars in the dish-washer, clean and ready for soup. Tomorrow’s agenda. Something to “do”. – And right now, I’m trying to smash some mosquitoes. Every night now it’s them. Either flies in the kitchen or mosquitoes in the bed-room. But soon, it will be all gone with the snows. Thankfully, tonight, no need for a fire in the stove. – Hallie’s in the parlour and I’m int he little room and we’ll both be in “Seepie-Land” soon. I’ve no intention of sleeping until 10.00, come the morning… but we shall see. – Well? September is gone. October is here… and I’m not in NY. This is a fuck and I’m at the end of my own patience.