January 2017
Sunday.01.January.2017: There are curses far beyond the imaginations of even the most Heavenly-inspired minds of mortals and angels, and that I enter anything in this journal today is of the darkest of those. It’s said “Rejoice! For this is a day that the Lord has given.” I do NOT “rejoice”, for in my soul I’ve come to know that, if, indeed, this day has been “given” by a “Lord”, that “Lord” is of the cruelest force for, in Death there is Peace… and Peace is still not mine. (Friday.30.Dec: 10.10)

Sun.1.Jan.2017: Another bloody-fucking year. JESUS SHIT! – 8.57 Woke at 8.00 on the spot. Dressed. Coffee. Tried to re-start the stove. Not a cold morning but… and no, it wouldn’t re-start with ease but I did get it up and going and got the glass cleaned. Watered the plants in the white room and that light bulb blew out How nice. AND over-night, we had a bit of snow… and now, as I type, ore is coming down. But with my slippers on, I swept the back walk. – First thing this morning, “Climax”… “Things I’d Like To Say” was in my head. So yes, I put the iPod on and played it for a bit. Music of the 60’s playing now. The fire is going and I need to get to the floors. But if Mme. won’t be back until 14.00, there’s time for that. – It’s just one of “those” mornings where things seem to work against me. Either that, or it’s my mood… instead of things flowing from one to another it seems there’s the little “glitches”. Well, why not? Eh? New day. New week. New month. New year. Fuck. And me? New breaths… just fuck… fuck me! – This, that and the fact that I’d like very much to remain a bit “clean” this morning… today. But… no fucking way. I need to shake this shitty mood today. There’s going to be a house full of morons this evening. I’m in no mood. – 10.50 DONE! Floors Hoovered. Kitchen floor, mopped. The rest? Fuck it! Fuck them! Fuck this shit! Done!
In life, there are those who appreciate and are thankful for even the smallest kindness extended to them.
Then, there are those who appreciate and are thankful for nothing because they truly believe that they’re entitled to every kindness and are under no obligation to be thankful when a kindness is extended to them.
The former are the rare and precious gems amongst all of human-kind.
The latter are Vermonters.
Thus sayeth the word of the day. – I’ve no doubt that the place will look like absolute shit with-in 15 minutes (if that), after the arrival. But… the walk and drive are clear of snow and the walk is salted, the floors are clean. Fuck you… to the rest. –
24.06 too tired!
(On Monday morning, 2 Jan. 6.49) WELL!!! THAT (THIS?) DAY MANAGED TO ROLL ALONG RATHER “OK”. Jacquie got back at almost 15.00 instead of the 14.00 “latest” she’d thought of, and she rolled in with a truck full of shopping… in spite of the fact that I keep telling her NOT to buy food and to take it off my FS card. But, come to find out, the roast she got today? It was because she’d received a cheque for 67$ fro Costco. Seems they send some kind of “savings” cheque on one’s shopping and so, she put that money into a 60$ roast of beef. Well… OK, I suppose. – So she came in, I helped bring a bit of things in from the truck and she got right to preparing tonight’s dinner… Me? I came back to the little room to continue manually moving files to the peripheral drive. GIGS of files… and I had to manually move them,small batches at a time. So it kept me occupied well into the evening… and out of Jacquie’s way as she prepared EVERYTHING for tonight’s dinner. – At about 17.00 I went too the kitchen. She’d gotten the roast, the veggies, even pies and “pop-overs” (as the locals call this “roll-like” bread made of flour, egg, butter, milk, salt… made in muffin pans… not bad at all, very much like a roll that looks like a muffin but is hollow). So I grabbed a couple extra chairs, took Hallie out for a ‘moke and then got her her dinner and returned to the room to FINISH the data transfer! YAY! MY files are backed-up… images and music and the likes. There’s just a couple of “documents” I need to get to that wouldn’t transfer because the file name is too long. Then, I’d like to try for some program files as well but for the most part (190-something Gb!), files are backed-up. NOW, I need to go through the lap-top and “cull”. But there’s time for that… I should think. – Anyhoo… my timing on clearing the back walk was perfect because it wasn’t so cold today and with the sweeping and light “salting” the walk was clear and safe and all and such. – Ah… ONE NOTE HERE: When I’d gone out to the kitchen to get Ms. Hallie for my ‘moke, Jacquie and I started chatting about “things” in Franklin, the deaths in PA, Bobo’s “heritance” tax, the condition of 5225. Jacquie got a bit work-up when my being “tossed” came into the chat. “I’M THE GAINER HERE!” she almost hollered, a few times. HEY! WOW! APPRECIATION! And to think, right after I’d posted on-line, a “meme” of sorts with my sentiments on “Vermonters”. She mentioned the care for Hallie in particular. Nothing about the house, mind, but an ACKNOWLEDGEMENT! (And, to think, also, that I’d only just thought: it would be costing her 75$ each week when she goes to work, to have Hallie in a kennel, and I get the equivalent of an “allowance” or “stipend” of about 20$ per week. A savings of 35$ per week for her.) Anyway… I cut that chat because of my “resolution” to not “chat at length” about anything any more, and returned to the room to work on the data transfer. – SO! Round about 18.00 “the bus pulled in”… Dave, Pam, Jes, Kerry arrived and as Jacquie finished the dinner, we all had a bit of champagne for the “New Year” and sat round the table… me included. Dinner was quite delicious and I had almost NO appetite at all, so I took about a tablespoon of each veggie and a healthy slice of beef. It was all DELICIOUS and I DID manage to “chew” the meat. Not because the beef was tough… it wasn’t… but more because well, I just don’t have the teeth to chew properly any more. Oh well… falling apart here. Dinner chats were pleasant… no politics, thankfully. I couldn’t help but think that it was a room-divided: Pam, Dave and Kerry… staunch Libs, Jacquie, Jes and myself… staunch Conservatives. So I kept politics and the likes out of it. Although, at one point, Pam referenced the “claim” of some twat at Vermont Electric Grid having some kind of “Russian hacker malware” in the computer systems and I pointed-out (proudly) that it was “bull-shit”. She hadn’t heard THAT bit, of course. But that settled quickly and calmly and the chatting moved along to all sorts of other things like “sugaring” and such. “Local” interests, as they are. – WELL indeed! Dinner rolled along toward 21.00 and as folks left, I took Hallie for a ‘moke and then came in to wash the wine glasses as Jacquie put the left-overs up and stacked the dish-washer. BUT… AS ALL WERE LEAVING, AND I WAS STANDING HAVING MY SMOKE, DAVE ACTUALLY STOPPED TO SAY “I hear you had a fall. How are you?” SO! YES! THE MATTER *WAS* DISCUSSED! I CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW AND WHAT WAS SAID. BUT I BRUSHED IT OFF WITH “Oh, fine. I ‘lost’ a day but all’s fine.” Shit… I’m just rather impressed that it was mentioned… to me… at all! – And so, folks gone, kitchen rather orderly, Jacquie went to the parlour to open the gifts that she’d picked-up from Lola’s and then we settled-down to watch a bit of “Gutfeld”. A repeat from yesterday. It was something round 23.00 when we “retired” for the day. I came into the room to browse my e-mails and soc.med. until I just couldn’t stay awake any longer. – MADE IT THROUGH THE DAY… NO ARGUMENTS OR STUPIDITIES. YAY! – Note though: the truck has to go into the garage this week… “for a week”, for “body work”, and Jacquie says there’s something “grinding” in a wheel. She’s making all sorts of “arrangements” with Jes on transport about here and for getting to and from work on the week-end. No transport. It’s going to be an interesting week… considering there won’t be any “travelling” about. Ah.. we shall see. – BUT… BOTTOM LINE: THE HOLIDAYS ARE DONE! AT LONG, LONG LAST! MADE IT! (NOW… it would be a delight to be able to “conveniently” drop dead. But I look too forward to that so… Another week… another month… another year… FUCK!)
(Finishing today’s entry at 7.27 on Monday morning.)

Mon.2.Jan: 6.06 DREAMS
Trying to escape Hell.
I was in something resembling an “air shaft”, sort of half-way up/down. It was, maybe, 2 metres square, plain plaster-board, nailed into studs, and I was about 6 metres or a bit more from a small cut-out toward the top. The cut-out was approximately 2 metres high by about a metre wide and located up by the very top, or the “ceiling” of the air shaft. I don’t know how, but I wasn’t standing on a “floor”, but I was standing on, perhaps a ledge of some sort, at the half-way distance from the bottom-to-the-top. Quite suddenly, under me turned pitch black and the walls became dark with black soot, and there was fire below. I had to “shimmy” up the sides to get up to the cut-away, but the shaft-way was too wide, really, to get any kind of leverage. I wasn’t shocked or surprised by what was happening because, some-how, I knew that that’s what happened in that air-shaft… that it was an opening to Hell below. But it was up to me to figure how to keep from dropping down, and how to manoeuvre my way up and out. With arms and legs stretched, I managed, with great effort, to get up to the cut-away and to get my arms and upper body through it, but I got stuck just below the chest. I couldn’t quite squeeze through! I kept thinking that if I forced my way hard enough, I could break the plaster-board and make the opening wider, but it was secured, as a window might be. Breathing was a bit difficult and I was about to panic because the more I managed to get my body through, the tighter the opening was round my body. I heard somebody, a woman, a voice similar to Jacquie’s, in the “house-proper”, the “room” on the other side, tell me “You know how to get out of there. Others have done it before you. You just have to keep trying.” And yes, it was true, but the others were smaller than I, so it was easier for them. I kept trying but was stuck. As it got harder to push through and I was beginning to actually panic, the dream switched…..
I was on a bus… a “city” bus, with Jacquie. The route was similar to Rockaway Beach Blvd., at around B.105, and yet had little shops, similar to Mott Ave. The bus was travelling to my left… “West”. It was raining. She was en route to some-where, and I, to some-where else that was vague. I was either Homeless or something was wrong with my car, or both. Either one, I was in some sort of difficulty, not financially but either housing or vehicular. But we were both on the same bus, heading to different places. She knew of my “situation” and as we talked, she’d given me an envelope for some reason. When I opened it, there was cash in it… quite a large sum of cash, I don’t know how much but it was enough to “settle” my “situation”. I was so thankful, relieved and yet, didn’t want to accept the gift… I just couldn’t (as it usual for me anyway), so I tried to give the envelope back to her, but she headed toward a particular exit door on the bus. It was through a narrow door that had a sign over it with the name of a store. I can’t remember the name of the store, but it was one that was more for “ladies wear” and the likes, so the door to exit was rather narrow and short, built rather specifically for “ladies”. The door led to an area on the bus where ladies could wait until the bus arrived at the particular bus stop to the store and then exit the bus. Again, the exit door was smaller than “normal”, specifically for “ladies”. I followed Jacquie as she went through the first door, but I had a bit of trouble getting through the door to the “waiting” area because I was larger than she. As I struggled to get through the door-way, the other passengers on the bus stared at me. That door and the little area beyond was “for ladies”. Men didn’t get off the bus at that stop and, of course, the doors weren’t built for men to pass. Anyway, I did manage to get to the “waiting” area and again tried to return the envelope to Jacquie but she dodged me, feigning imbalance as the bus rolled along. When we’d arrived at the bus stop, the “exit” door opened and Jacquie disembarked but I couldn’t get through the exit door quickly enough to leave the bus. The door closed and the bus began to move along, with me on, looking out the window at Jacquie, on the walk. She looked up, smiled kindly and waved as the bus pulled away with me on it, rather stuck in that little “space’.
– WELL! THERE WE HAVE IT! Quite the beginning of a day! And I woke from these dreams just before the 5.45 alarm! Awake and not really tired. I can’t imagine why I’m not tired but I’m not. So? I just got up. The alarm sounded, I turned it off, pondered whether or not to actually get up and decided, yes, I’d get up. Loo. Coffee. Smoke. It’s still quite dark out, but thankfully, not too cold this morning. I didn’t bother to re-start the wood-stove because, well, it’s not that cold out, not that cold in, and there’s not that much wood left. And with the truck needing some work this week, I doubt there’s going to be more wood delivered any time too soon. Oh well. – I’m a bit “achy” in the neck this morning. “Stiff” achy, as it were. And I can’t figure what the dreams were for or about. I know I’m curious as to where all the weight is coming from, considering I’m not eating very much these past months and still gaining. The “Hell” in the air-shaft? Stuck here, in the Hell that is Vermont. The bus and gift from Jacquie? Maybe it was the Chanukah card? What was my “predicament” though? Ambiguous. Well, something’s weighing on my mind. And the “discomfort”… I just can’t help but think that one of these bits of me that are falling apart, teeth, head, neck, face, back, legs, etc. are leading into something I don’t really want to think about: dying here… at this house, in this shit-hole… this Hell that I’m having much trouble getting out of. – Well, at least the house is still “quiet” (at 6.47) for a while. – I’m awake… have to get least evening’s “journal” notes in. And may as well… whilst there’s time of quiet in the place. – The mail truck hasn’t come. Another “holiday” for the lazy. – 7.27 and I’m “caught-up” with yesterday’s entry and today’s journal notes. Mr. Twat is thumping about over-head. Ms. Jacquie is sleeping-in, thankfully… for the both of us. Hopefully the twat won’t disturb her. And me? I’m ready to grab a “nap” now… of course. I woke early/on time, rested. And now I’m tired again. Typical me. – 22.02 Finally the day has ended! IN BED AT LAST! – News of the day…
THE SUBARU STARTED! FILLED WITH SMOKE, BUT IT STARTED! AND I MOVED IT A BIT MORE TO THE SIDE SO IT’LL GET MORE SUN DURING THE DAY. Tomorrow is supposed to be rain.. I’ll run it for a while… at the expense of more gas, but it needs to be run. I should be rolled a bit… we’ll see how that works. But for now… IT STARTED… RIGHT UP.
The truck… Jacquie drove it over to Mike’s in Sheldon and he drove her back. No truck for a while. She says it’ll be there for about a week. It needs body work. But the “grinding” she claims she heard yesterday didn’t happen today. But the bottom line is: she has no vehicle. I didn’t go with her when she went to Mike’s because, well, truthfully? I don’t owe anybody that much. I walked to St. Albans, Enosburgh, Richford, Sutton and Bedford. Nobody gave me rides. I could use a lift now and then to the market in Enosburgh. I could use a lift to the banque in Bedford. No, I don’t ask… and no, I don’t receive offers. So no, I’m returning the kindness and consideration. Guiltless. Shameless. – Tonight we had left-overs for dinner. Jacquie portioned. It was fine. I’m hungry, but the truth is, at 177lbs and a full gut, I don’t need to eat. There’s 2 containers of ice cream in the freezer. They’ve been there for a couple weeks now. Nope… not mine. – And we watched a bit of news. I took Hallie out a couple of times for a ‘moke. And Hallie is all cuddly and such with me. There’s a “love” there. So if there’s any “talk” about me doing her any harm? Well… fuck them, they’ll talk anyway but there’s NO evidence or such. – The wood-stove’s been going all along too. The stack in the kitchen is disappearing rather rapidly. It’s only Tuesday… she’s on Wednesday’s wood already. And tonight, she stoked and shut the flue completely. Open full all day which burns the wood faster, and at night, when I could use the heat in the chimney… this room gets chilled. Hey… she believes that she knows best… There’s no sense in talking about it… none at all. – Kaila came down to pay the rent this evening. She’s due to give birth on the 25th. My utter Hell is lurking just round the corner. Jacquie told her that the Stanhopes will be leaving on the 9th. Kaila asked “Are they REALLY leaving on the 9th?” Well… there’s nothing on the “fb” about their moving so… But today I got the shot at Jacquie when we discussed the situation over there and I told her “You wanted the rent. You wanted the money. You didn’t bother to check anything about their back-ground. They came with the rent and you gave them the house. So? You pretty much asked for what-ever was to come and that’s what you got. Whether or not you repeat the mistake is to be seen.” The discussion came to a screeching halt. But you know? It’s once again: I’m the shit-head who knows nothing. So? So… what-ever happens. – Meanwhile, the “holidays” are over. The “Book Blitz” on-line is over. Now for the “GTAFO” efforts. Post! Post! Post! I’ll have to look to see if there are any “town boards forums things” out there for Champlain and post there too. MUST to get OUT and AWAY! – Finally got the back-up done too, today. Found the missing documents. The lap-top is coming to be organised and then I’ll do the external drive. But I am rather amazed: I’m only using 25% of this hard-drive after all these years. Not bad! And there’s a LOT of stuff on this old lap-top. – Oh well… off to the soc.med. and then to try for sleep… before 1.00! –

Tue.3.Jan: 0.30 Well, nope. No to bed early. I stumbled upon an e-mail that I’d kept from a while ago (I’ll have to check the date) that had links to music that I’d wanted to get. One song, “Numa Numa” caught me and I found a couple of videos of it. One had a guy camping it up with an arm-wave and it just sent me off the edge! SO WONDERFUL! WELL INDEED! It was 12 years old last month and I posted it to Twtr… looked around the Utube and started a hashtag.. come to find out… there were OTHERS following it over the years! And so, I’ve down-loaded it, converted, and am now putting it on the iPod! THEN I’ll go to sleep. But right now, my little heart is singing (Romanian) and dancing in my silence. NUMA NUMA IEI! – 9.52 Nice time to begin a day. Not. I just didn’t want to get up, wake up, move, be alive. And only about 20 minutes ago, I finally did… Got up, dressed, loo, coffee, smoke and “chat”. – No rain, yet. But not at all cold. Still, the fire is going in the stove and today’s “Do” for Ms. Jacquie is to clear the clutter on the desk in the kitchen. She started it yesterday. Me? I’m thinking of going out and cutting the felled limbs in the back. I’ll need the fire-wood come the week-end since I’ve no doubt she’ll cut the thermostat down… again. Oh well. – And, as is my usual take on any day when I wake from sleep: fuck it. – However ,this morning, in the head rolls and reels the tune… NUMA HUMA. So not ALL is “lost”. – 14.44 AND THE FELLED LIMBS ARE CUT AND IN THE WOOD-STOVE (doing me precious little good). THAT’LL TEACH ME NOT TO DO THE WORK WHILST ANYBODY ELSE IS IN THE HOUSE! I no sooner got the limbs cut and was going to stack them in the porch when Mme. came along, took them from the window sill and put them into the stove!!! OK. She thanked me. But I did say “You’re all going to rot miserably when I’m gone.” True, that. But, I’d rather hoped to have that wood on the week-end. Nope. Just TAKE, TAKE, TAKE, TAKE, TAKE. TYPICAL VERMONT… TAKE. But “Numa Numa” got the limbs cut and the yard cleared. Fuck these leeches. – And I took a brief stroll to the store and got my 2 packs of smokes. 20$down and 40 left. Let’s see how that works out from here. – Now, Jacquie and Hallie are snoozing in the parlour. Me? I’m about ready for a snooze m’self. Took a naproxyn and … I’m tired. – The drizzle that was expected at 4.00 is only just beginning. And it’s not so cold out there. But I’m tired. – (Wed.4. 9.49) So for the day… it went along. Nothing, really, to mention. Just chatting here and there, then and now and not at all. But I seem to keep “busy” with something as the time rolls along. Or not. Jacquie was in misery for most of the evening with stuffed sinuses and a bit of a cold. But at about 21.00, she had a shot of “sinus spray” and was better. It hits her quite hard. I made her a ginger tea. It didn’t really help much. But… there are times when folks need to “do”… not something common round the state here. Oh well. – Later dinner as usual and a little “news” until about 23.00. – Thus went this Tuesday. Tomorrow… trash day. – The stove is out for the night, but the house and such are warm enough to be comfortable. Nice. But she’s gone through most of the wood that was cut today. I’ll have to scrape together something for the week-end when the temperatures drop again… and the thermostat will be set back down to… the 50’s. – No sense saying what my mind is thinking about all of this. I’m rather stuck here… and I guess I can scratch the Port Henry gig. Well… I DID manage to get a point across today: “People don’t know and they don’t understand, but I don’t truly consider anybody to be “friend” because I’ve learnt, very well, over the course of my life-time that nobody is to be trusted to that extent. Nobody’s to be trusted in any way other than: if they’re given the opportunity, they’ll plunge a knife into your back… and then sprinkle salt in the wound as they twist the blade.” (But you know? Nobody gives a shit when you say such things.. which just proves the sentiment, correct.)

Wed.4.Jan: 1.02 Tired. No fire in the stove. Warmish out. Drizzly. Heading for last ‘moke! (Hungry too.) – I checked the calendar on the lap-top: On the 20th… 1974… G’s was torched. 43 years ago! And I can still recall going to visit at 61 Coach Ln. from 419 Quail St., getting ready to “go out” and the almost apathetic voice of Mum asking “Where are you going?” and seeing “The Evening News” on the kitchen table. Just more of “life” and it’s misery. 43 years ago. – 9.48 JUST up, loo, coffee, smoke, trash out. JUST! WOW! Talk about “sleeping-in”. But when there’s no “need” to be awake… no “need” to even be “alive”… just no “need”. – 22.40 Back in bed. Another day gone and done and n fights, arguments and the likes. BUT… ALL of the fire-wood that I cut is GONE!!! The temperature out-side has already dropped, considerably, and it’s “chilled” in this room. Either I’m in for a COLD week-end or Ill just fuck it all and use what-ever wood *I* “need” to keep from being bitter cold… again. We shall see. – Other than that? I’ve been working on getting the music files on the lap-top in order. Some-how I’ve got over 6k on the lap-top and just over 1k (like 1336 or something like that) on the iPod. So, there’s a LOT of “Work” to be done on this project. But… we shall see. We shall indeed. – Shower time tomorrow evening and clean me. I’m looking forward to that. – Now… soc.med. and nigh-night. – One addendum; during this evening’s news, when all this “health care” and social security was discussed on the TV, Jacquie said something about me. There was a discussion about Maine, insisting that people who were on FS have to work now. When they put the law into effect, the number of people receiving FS dropped to less than half. The news (O’Reilly) claims it’s because people don’t want to work. Me? I wonder how many they couldn’t give work to and dropped because of that. The “panel” agreed (Rivera, of all morons) that “viable persons, between the ages of 18 and 50 SHOULD work”. Jacquie referred to me, directly as “somebody who’s been squeezed out of the work force” because of age and “at your age, you’re now starting to feel the effects of age” referring to my back and legs. I told her “I could and would still bike to E. Fairfield and/or St. Albans” if need be, to go to work. “You have a vehicle. It needs a bit of work, but you have one.” She loses the point. But then, they all do. Still… it’s an acknowledgement of my general physical condition. How charming. (I’m not charmed.) – There’s a new advert out… “celebs” and the likes, demanding that the Dem congress “obstruct” the Reps when Trump comes into office. One of the idiots is a bitch wearing a tallit GADOL! AN ORTHODOX TALLIT! I looked the bitch up. Sharon Kleinbaum… “Reconstructionist”! Congregation Beth Simcha Torah (CBST). What at qunt. (I’ve managed to get a few tweets in about it. Let’s see if it “ticks” with the others.) – Day… is done.

Thu.5.Jan: 8.54 Again. The 5.45 alarm wakes me. I turn it off and doze. Moments later cones the “bang”. I hear it, I doze again. I wake… at this hour. And the room is cold. The wood I’d cut is all but gone. So too, the week’s wood. And the furnace isn’t up. Alas. It’s “so much so” that I’m almost comfortable in t-shirt, flannel shirt and fleece. “Woodhauler”. So long as the rest of the world is fine.. I say… nothing. – Later… much later than usual, begins the week-end. We shall see. – 22.33 FINALLY BACK IN BED! AND ITS FUCKING COLD IN THIS ROOM! AND THERE’S A “BREEZE” COMING THROUGH THE WALL! AN ACTUAL BREEZE! AT THE HEAD OF THE BED! BY THE BRICK WHERE THE CHIMNEY IS! I CAN’T DISCERN EXACTLY WHERE IT’S COMING FROM BUT IT’S A CONSTANT FLOW OF COLD AIR! BLOWING ON MY HEAD AS I SIT HERE! AND I’VE NO DOUBT THE THERMOSTAT’S BEEN TURNED DOWN FOR THE WEEK-END. But… it was about 14.00 when Jes came to collect Jacquie. She can’t find her phone. (Amazing… not.) I suggested phoning the garage to have them check if she left it in the truck. No… Better to inconvenience Jes, to take the longer way to the Interstate, via Sheldon, to stop by the garage. Selfish and ignorant as usual. So she told him and of course, he offered to stop there en route. OK. None of my business. Last night it was an ear-ring… a nice one… a gift from somebody at work. It was on the floor. *I* found it, put it on her TV table and when she asked if I’d found it and where I simply said nothing, changing the topic. Today, she wanted to print a coupon from her e-mail. As per usual, I explained how… she ignored what I said. Finally, I had to physically go through steps to get her fucking coupon. Thanks? NO! – Meanwhile… 14.00 and she’s out the door… the kitchen’s a disaster, with papers strewn about, ash from the stove semi-cleaned up and NO FIRE-WOOD IN THE STACK! NONE! ONE PIECE OF WHAT I’D CUT, AND THE LITTLE LIMBS… BUT NO ACTUAL FIRE-WOOD IN THE STACK! Dishes in the sink. The stove, filthy with cooking oil and the likes. The floor, filthy. And shit in the “scraps” bucket… including onion. I started by taking photos of the “before”, tidied a bit, then went off for a 30-minute nap! IMMEDIATELY upon waking… got the dishes done, the stove cleaned, the wood-stove emptied of all the fucking paper-ash and shit and was about to simply let it be, but it’s cold out there and I knew it would get cold in the house too… if I don’t put the thermostat up (which will be coming in due course, I’ve no doubt at this rate… especially with the cold coming into this room). Went to the garage to get the wood for the stack and… re-stacked the wood that’s left out there. Probably another week’s worth, at the rate she burns it up. Re-stacked, I swept the floor and put the sweepings into some packing paper, rolled it up and stuffed that into the wood-stove for a little bit of fire and heat. Not bad, but it doesn’t produce heat… being mostly bark and dust. But… it went. Wood done, cooking stove done, dishes done… the floors got Hoovered and then the kitchen floor got mopped! The scraps bucket got emptied and washed. And I settled… at about 17.30!!! Almost 4 hours of fucking around in here again! Had a beer. Then heated some mac’n’cheese for “meal” and had another beer. – The ash bucket got tossed into the drive… still hot. I watched until the embers went out from melting into the ice and came in to sit and watch a little TV. No messages from Mme…. and then, at about 20.30… RRRRRRING RRRRRRING!!!!! SHE CALLS! Blither-blither, blah-blah, I hope everything’s alright at the house, maybe you’re out with Hallie, I’d like to know that she’s OK. FUCK YOU! “I’ll call back at 9.00.” Well? 21.00… BRRRRRRING!!!!! BRINNNNG!!!! BLITHER BLITHER BLAH BLAH BLITHER I’ll call tomorrow at 9.00. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!!! YOU lost your fucking phone! And I don’t OWE you a fucking call or fucking report! And by 20.00 I don’t want to be fucking bothered. So… I hit the “Do Not Disturb” button on the phone. I don’t know what it does, but I’ll find out. (I don’t doubt that she’s going to send somebody to the house to “check”. It’s going to take a LOT to keep cool, if she does. I’ve already worked something out: “Facts:” from the way she leaves the fucking place to how it is when she returns, and the fire-wood cutting and her burning it all immediately… just the facts. What-the-fuck-ever.) Needless to say, I’m in a sour mood right now. – No shower tonight. I’ll grab one tomorrow and do my clothes. But this shit is the SHIT! I NEED to get the fuck out of here! The fucking selfishness… THE FUCKING SELFISHNESS! – Now? 22.52 and a bit of soc.med. and TRY and HOPE FOR sleep and a restful wake at a nice early hour tomorrow.

Fri.6.Jan: 8.27 On a morning when sleeping until 9.00 would be fine. Clear. Snappy. And Ms. Hallie is having breakfast in a kitchen where the fire is re-started. And I’ve had coffee and my ‘moke.
DREAMS:
I was back in The City, and had to move out of my flat. It was THE day when I had to leave. No work. No income. No money. No rent. Nothing but a flat with my furnishings. I woke in the morning, got dressed and such and was ready to leave. I walked out the door and into the hall and very suddenly realised: I had no place to go TO. I left the door open and somebody from the building came in. He (they) didn’t speak, just went to a “side-board” where there were wine glasses, and looked at my glass-ware. I didn’t say anything because I felt that it wasn’t mine any longer and thought that, eventually, they’d all be going in and rummaging and scavenging through everything anyway. When they left, having taken nothing, I too, left, closed the door and stood looking at the closed door. It occurred to me that I didn’t really HAVE to leave, that I could simply go on as if all were fine, as a “hold-over”, and wait for the court papers to come. The thought made me anxious and rather ill, but I decided to go that route and draw it out. Meanwhile, I’d have a place. All I needed to do was hope that the super didn’t go in and ransack the place.
(Snapped to…) Sitting in somebody else’s flat, at their table. Nick, from Rochambeau. We’d been discussing my options for leaving or staying and such when he suggested I apply for Social Security. As we talked, I felt that I couldn’t at that juncture when rather suddenly I realised and said “I’m…” and together we both said “over 62.” “I CAN apply!” I said. “Of course you can.” he replied. And we were talking about the application, how long it might take to process and whether or not it would delay my being thrown out when….
I woke to the 5.45 alarm.
Funny, this though because just before putting the lights out last night, I’d gone to the fesses-book of the folk at 5225 where Gordo had just posted during the day that 3 days ago, Bobo got the deed to the house there in PA and that they’re planning a “visit” up here on Saturday (tomorrow). There’s no water in the place. The pipes in the up-stairs loo have burst and the wall and kitchen ceiling are wet. Allegedly they’d set the thermostat at “55, but that wasn’t enough”. AND… they’ll be coming back up to look for a place to buy because Gordo’s having trouble with “Social Security” and health care there in PA. Bobo’s going to try to get the old job back. How charming. Oh well… None of my business, truly. But tomorrow will be interesting… if they come to “visit”. They’re coming for the other car “and some stuff”. Oh well… as I say, none of my business. Hopefully they won’t come here… if they see the Subaru in the yard. I’ve nothing to say to either of them. Period. Folks in town, it seems, agree that they should have asked ME to attend the house. Ah… simple reply to the question, if asked: “No.” – And so, another day commences… and another day sits on my chest. And we’ll do what must be done to make it through. There’s fire-wood in the kitchen, and a bit more in the garage. And we’ll see about the confrontation of Mme. with the Brrrrrrrring-rings and reports and being a general pain in the arse as it were (including but not limited to perhaps sending in the troops to check on the house). – Amen. – 11.36 Took me long enough but… I’ve wanted to post “before and after” photos of the kitchen on Thursdays, to the “Woodhauler” and this morning? Done! AND a “post” commentary as well! It’s a little comfort to know that the “adventures” in this shit-hole are documented. The post was snarky… although I doubt many will recognise that. But I got my point across. And now, with the stove a-blazin’, ’tis time to move along with this day. I’ve serious shit to attend… and it’s Friday. I want to look into the “TSP” and info on the “Soc.Sec.” and such. MUST get to re-post “Gentleman Grounds-Keeper” too. (My stomach’s out of whack though, for some reason… bowels a-movin’! Jeezus! WTAF next? I DON’T want to know!) – 12.54 Almost 13.00 and I’m only slightly hungry. ALL I wanted was a it of bread and butter, so I went to my “stash” of 2 sticks of UN-salted and what do I discover? ONE fucking stick left! JEEZUS KRISTE ALMIGHTY! AND NONE IN THE FRIDGE IN THE GARAGE! I’D GOTTEN TWO FUCKING POUNDS WHEN LAST WE WENT TO FUCKING COSTCO! FUCKING GONE! We’re fucking free and at liberty to bake shit for “I’ll take this to work.” and leave fucking nothing behind. How convenient. “I’m the gainer.” Yeah, you certainly ARE. Fuck. I don’t ask for much and I don’t need much and so I don’t take much. But a fucking stick of BUTTER? ONE fucking stick out of EIGHT? REALLY? I’m SO fucking annoyed right now that I’m not even hungry any longer. FUCK THIS SHIT! She lives as if she’s the ONLY fucking qunt on earth! Fuck you! Fuck your left-overs. Fuck your fucking squash that you fucking throw into the garage and expect ME to mind for you. Fuck it all! I’m fucking at the fucking end of the fucking line here. And the only place to “vent” is here, on this journal. Time to re-post the “Grounds-Keeper” advert. And THIS time, when the opportunity presents… I’M GONE! No matter what. – 24.10 Yes, it’s Saturday. And today, at about noon, life in this shit-pot will jolt with the return, though temporary, of 5225. I wonder what it will be like. Nothing “nice” I might venture to guess. But what will be, will be. – Meanwhile, I managed to get the whistle on the tea-kettle this evening. My “meal” was ice cream at about 17.00 and that was the extent of intake for the day. I went to the store for smokes and ice cream, heavy cream, replacement rolls, and replacement eggnog. I replace what I take. Cost of having me here? Minimal. Benefit of having me here? Clean house. Fed dog. That’s that. People are fucking stupid. They truly are. But that’s the way they are and will be. Nothing more to be said on that matter. – There’s a wonderful fire in the stove tonight, keeping the brick warm and so, no chill, like last night. I’m “comfortable”. For a change. – Watched a bit of a show on a science channel until just now. The moon. And then stepped out to see half of the moon, hanging in the sky, illuminated on only part, shining. And I thought: it’s the reflection of the sun, on the other side of the Earth. how about that? And clouds… they’re not “up there” at the moon, but, rather, they’re down here, floating about and circulating round on and over the Earth where I’m standing. The stars, hanging there, where they’ve always been and will be for the duration of my life-time and into many other life-times. They’re where they are tonight as they were where they are for 1000s of years. THEY don’t move… WE move. And the glow of the moon on the ice on the ground? Well… night… this is what the temperature is… up there… out there… with-out the warming of the Earth where I stand. And who cares? Nobody… except a few. Who thinks about it? Nobody… except a few. I’d mentioned the bit about standing out-side and looking directly over-head at a star to Jacquie. I mentioned: imagine if that star just fell… directly down… Eventually, it would land right on us. It made absolutely NO matter to her at all. Too “deep”. “Deep” thoughts are useless here. Like most everything else of any intelligence. – Lyle used to think about such things. Lyle is dead and gone now. “Thought”… a horror to the inhabitants of this place. – Like the recent claim of some moron here, in Vermont, that “Russia hacked” into the electric grid of Vermont. Malware. Right. As if Russia would attack the useless little shit-hole that is Vermont.
24.07 Hallie’s behaving rather oddly. Went into the loo and crumbled the rug by the tub and was tail-wagging when I went out to check on her. Made a bit of grunts, as she does, had a drink of water and is laying on the floor, panting, in the dining room. I wonder if anything’s wrong with her. I wonder…. I certainly hope she’s OK. –
And so, the very thought of anybody in Vermont being “cyber-attacked”. Well… it was disproved and the “reports” simply went silent. – Another thought tonight. Twitter.. it NEVER sleeps. I can log on now, in the middle of the night, and communicate with somebody on the other side of the planet who is awake because there, the day is beginning. At any given time, some-where, on this planet, somebody is awake and moving, thinking, talking. communicating… and at any given time of any given day… people can communicate. How strange… and wonderful. I remember Mum saying that about NYC: in the middle of the night, if you look out your window, there will be lights on in somebody else’s flat. Somebody, some-where, will be awake. We’re an odd place of odd beings. – Speaking of “odd” beings: No phone call from Mme. this evening. I’m awake now in part because of waiting for the call. Oh well… more bull-shit. – And so, time to wrap this day too. Once spin across the soc.med. (where I learnt that the 5225’s will be waking at 4.00 and heading up for a “visit” today). And then? If all goes well… a nap for me. It’s already another day… time to “close yesterday” before opening tomorrow.

Sat.7.Jan: 9.22 ANOTHER LATE START! to a truly crisp and snappy, clear and sunny morning. So cold, this one, that the moisture in the air is falling as little flakes. From whence cometh the term: “chill”. But the fire is going, I’ve had a ‘moke and Hallie’s having her “break-a-face”. – Before lights-out (this morning), I started down-loading the images from LoupNordique! Manually, of course, but there’s almost 200 of them already. Just as I’m working on getting this lap-top organised, I’m putting more files on it. But at least I’ll have a back-up of all of it… eventually. I’ll have to figure how to convert the xml to html, but there’s more “talent” (gone to waste since nobody’ll want it). There are photos of the gorge, Richford and so much more on there! Memories! And photos! And… well… I need to get rolling. – Speaking of “rolling”, the Lardarses should be rolling into town at some point this afternoon. “Excitement” in this shit-pot town. Woo… hoo. Anyway… – Kadima! As it were. – Oh… I see it’s -10° at the moment. “Briqsue”. – 19.34 Well… I “napped” for an hour and a half and I’m going to regret that! I got my things together for the shower (which is the one and only this week-end) and weighed me:
180lbs!!!
SOMETHING is TERRIBLY WRONG! I’M NOT EATING ENOUGH TO WARRANT 180LBS! OK, so I’m not as active as I used to be, but this is gone out of hand! WHERE in Fux name is the weight coming from? It’s GOT to be depression and anxiety! Body in “starvation” mode? MUST be. Metabolism down to almost nothing? Well… all I’ve eaten all day is 3 rolls with butter and the rest of the ice cream. 2 coffees and a tea. SOMETHING is TERRIBLY WRONG. The weight. The fatigue. Yeah… DEPRESSION. – As for the rest of the day. 1239 images form the LoupNordique Journal! ALL done! AND I’ve figured how to convert the XML to HTML! THAT’S going to be a LOT of work. But I’ve figured how to do it. Next step: Re-Create the Journal for my “local” copy. BACK-UP! WOOHOO! – The 5225fagz DID come up today. I took Hallie out for a stroll at about 13.00 and the car was gone from in front of the house. At about 15.00 or so, I stepped out for a smoke and heard something running in the barn over there. Probably the motor-bike. But, aside from that… no sign of either of them. Gordo posted something about a hotel whilst they visit. So I’d suspect that they’d left at about 5.00 this morning and are SO exhausted! No doubt, they’re in St.Albans, resting for their early morning departure tomorrow. GOOD! Go away! (From what I saw, plans are to sell BOTH houses, here and in PA and buy up here. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!) (Ah… the DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY: Being here. Being in this town and state. Being around these vermin. And the constant reminder that I SHOULD have been out of here at the beginning of the Summer past! DE-FUCKING-PRESSION!) – That said, my tongue hurts from rubbing against the broken tooth. – And for the most part, I just feel I’ve gotten nothing accomplished with this week-end and here it is… almost done and gone! Fuck. – Noting too… there’s probably one more week of fire-wood in the garage and the COLD month is ahead. Good thing I know there the thermostat is because I’ll be shit-pack fucked if I’m to stay in this house and repeat 5225 and Church. NEVER again! Yes, I came back North for the cold… but NOT to freeze my fucking bones to shatters. (Now to watch: ore fire-wood will be delivered, dumped in front of the garage… maybe, and *I’ll* be expected to stack it. Note the date. Here we go withe the count-down.) – Missed another week-end of a Prairie Home. With-out Garrison Keilor though… Still… my “life” is gone. But…. I’m still breathing and in shit-fuck Hell… breathing. – Time to move along, see what I’ve missed on the soc.med. – NO DOUBT there’s going to be shit-slinging because of no “report” all week-end. I certainly hope not though… I’m NOT in a frame of being to tolerate any of that sort of shit. *I* didn’t misplace the fucking phone. AND… I’m tired of trying to “help” make things better with all the computer help and suggestions and input from lap-top to the fucking house on the Square Rd. and being ignored. Fuck it. All too simply… Fuck IT Fuck THEM Fuck it ALL. – 23.02 SHOWERED… THRICE! Teeth brushed and clean. Jammies clean. Clothes in the dryer. FIRE in the stove! (Really… HOT and BURNING.) And WARMTH in the little room tonight. Last I checked, we were already heading to -20°. It was “crisp” and “snappy” when I went out for last smoke, moments ago. Clear skies too. – Well… the town made it through the brief return of 5225. I got almost nothing accomplished other than all the images from this journal. No work on the book. But a little deeper into the darkness of Depression. – Tonight, a thought:
I know it won’t be for a very long time, but before I fucking kick-off, I’d very much like to be in a place where I can put my towel, face cloth, tooth-brush and razor in the loo, and keep my soap in there as well. I’d like, very much, to be able to get up in the morning and sit at a table and have my morning coffee and smoke, sitting calmly. I’d like to have linens on the bed that I can wash at last weekly instead of a sleeping bag that doesn’t fit in the washing machine and hasn’t been washed since… I truly don’t know when. I’d like to be in a place where I don’t “must” do something, sometimes or all the time. I’d like that. It won’t happen, but I’d like that.
And now? There’s really nothing more to be said or typed. I’ll cruise the soc.med. a touch and try for lights out before today becomes tomorrow. – Ms. Hallie, the babe, is on the sofa. The house is warm, but not hot. I hope she’s comfy. Tomorrow her “Maman” returns… no telling when, of course. So and but and of course, I’ll have the place in order… but probably no fire in the stove. Oh well… as if. Save the wood. Let it be re-started when she gets in. (Just so long as I don’t have to be freezing in here.) – Amen.

Sun.8.Jan: 8.21 Stove is empty, cinders on the drive. Loo, coffee, smoke and Hallie’s breakfast are all done. The thermo on the porch reading at about 10°F and the sky is clear. When, at just past mid-night, I put the lights out, my repeated prayer “Let me sleep and not wake in the morning.” went un-heard yet again. “If I should die before I wake, they’ll gather a collection to dispose of my carcass.” I thought. And so, I’d not doubt it. I can hear them all now: “I’ll write a cheque.” Never mind helping whilst I breathe. Never mind a little hand up. But when it comes to putting me down, indeed, the town’s folk gather round. WTF. Eh? – And so, a moment to gather my wheezing old carcass this morning and then to the floors… Hooverday. I’ve no idea when anybody will be returning. But they will. And of course, nothing will be noticed, nothing appreciated. But me? I had an over-night of clean. It makes no difference, just so long as all for others is in order. I “do” so that even though they WILL and DO chat nastily, *I* know they’re full of shit, no matter what. And so, that’s important. Their “work” is done. And of course, there’s always the 10 minutes it takes them to un-do the work that’s been done. Infantile… even that’s bringing the mentality up rather high. But…? But. – On with the day. – (I see from le météo: -16/3F. Chilly morn, this.) – 10.07 Stove cleaned and set-up (not lit). Floors Hoovered and mopped. Didn’t bother with the parlour though. Don’t give a fuck. – 5225 is present. Bobo’s vehicle is in the back yard. Hopefully it won’t “stop by for any reason or cause. I’m NOT in the mood. – And other-wise… all is “well”… enough. – I’m tired again. Already. – 12.38 Cold in the kitchen like it’s been since 2011 when I got to this Hell. Oddly, it’s warmer in the little room. The heat is up in there. But there’s no heat registre in the kitchen… just the crawl space under and that’s that. Planning… Typical of this mental institution. But I will not light the wood-stove. No doubt (and I’ll post about it in the journal if…) I’ll hear something about the place being cold, being silly about worrying about the fire-wood, or some such stupidity. Alas… expected. – The “Rav4” is parked in the back yard at 5225. They posted a return on the 7th Feb to stay. The busted plumbing soaked the wall and ceiling in loo and kitchen. Can’t see in that condition and must repair “before black mold”. Oh well. Good on them. Karma. (See? I was rather correct… yet again. I’m certainly not the most goodly-godly person on earth, but I’ve seen it before… I’m seeing it even yet and still.) – Stomach is miserable. Just had a bout of the runs. Just also had a bowl of yoghurt (little sugar added). – Posted again to the Crgslist. It’s only been 2 days but… repetition can’t hurt. I doubt anything the likes of Edgemont will come along. But, at this juncture? Anything out of here and closer to the ADKs is fine by me. It won’t be for very long anyway.
And now to do what I can to dodge the cold in the kitchen and stay awake. I’ve taken a 45 minute nap as well.
Another day of shit in Hell. – 21.30 Jacquie finally got back at about 14.00. I’d forgotten that her Maryrose was bringing her. So they probably went to church and such. But no shopping. Me? I was sitting in the cold kitchen when they arrived and trying to get… “OH JAH” on the iPod! AT LAST! I HAVE THAT SONG BACK TOO! Pieces on life that meant something to me, little by little, as my life drifts away, chunk by chunk. So anyway, I wasn’t at all too congenial because I wanted the song on the iPod but it all went well until the matter of the missing phone came up and it was verified that it wasn’t in the truck, although neither Jes nor Jacquie had looked very much, long or hard and I just got fed up with it all and, in a direct but not violent voice let it all be known that I’m fed up with people not attending their shit. And so, I took Hallie out for a smoke and came into the room to check to see if there’d been any replies to the new “Grounds-keeper” posting. Yeah… one… for a fucking rental. People do NOT read and they do NOT pay attention. I’m half tempted to reply with a curt and nasty response but… it’s not worth the effort. – Moments go by and Ms. Mme. comes to the door… SHE FOUND THE FUCKING PHONE… ON THE FUCKING DESK… AFTER I’D PULLED IT AWAY FROM THE WALL… IT WAS IN ONE OF THE “CATCH-ALLS” ON THE DESK! BUT, she’d washed the floor behind the desk and put it back where it belongs! And then? We sat to dinner of franks in biscuit and the left-over mac’n’cheese. I ate… a bit. We had ice cream after. – And so, it was off to watch some TV where she and I both fell asleep… for about an hour. – Well… the night is indeed BITTER out there. Mme. says she’s raised the thermostat up to about 62 (from 58 or 60 that she usually has it set at). BFD. There’s a fire in the stove that won’t last the night because of the small wood in there but good… let the kitchen be cold in the morning. I’m not concerned. – More wood to be delivered on the 16th… GUESS WHO’S EXPECTED TO BRING IT INTO THE GARAGE…. MORE POSTINGS TO GET TO NY! – And tonight… repeated thanks for taking care of Hallie over the week-end. Yeah… right. – The BenderBowens (bonobos) have left town until the 7th. And all returns to fucking normal. – Time for soc.med. and to try for sleep. I’ve got some kind of “sensitivity” in the lower right tooth tonight… either the one under the crown or the one beside that. I’ve pulled… but… OK… more bull-shit. – The end. – 21.44 Temperatures: -14 with chill of -20 going to -20 with chill of -28 and tomorrow morning…. -18 chill of -25. (And Mme. had to fuck with the stove before heading to the loo just now. Either the flue is open full to burn the wood completely or it’s closed completely to keep the warmth out of the chimney and out of this room. No sense discussing it… Dense.)
22.03 JUST FOUND THIS:
As of 1 November, it appears that going to Port Henry is DEAD!!!!! My chest just caved in on me. Well then, OK… to plan in detail… Warm day this Winter… OUT! To the mountains or here… which ever is more convenient to ME! Fuck this shit. Biggest decision: Whether to say anything or not… Let’s see how long before my heart and head explode.

Mon.9.Jan: 7.11 (Will the Stanhope’s be gone today?) Coffee. Loo. Fire re-started. Smoke. Done. Lights went out at 2.00 and here I am, up and moving again. Jacquie’s in the kitchen. I’m in the little room. Another day has begun. Why? Because Creation is Hateful. I don’t want to see any of it. Standing out-side in the cold, clear morning, it was more comfortable with eyes closed, to be in that blackness, seeing nothing. That’s where I’d prefer to be. This morning, there is NO reason to “be”. And all I can think of is “Do for others at your own peril”. I’ve done just that. Before going to “sleep” this morning, I posted a “post” to Woodhauler on the very topic. Ev’s words of advice: “It’s time you learned how to do for yourself.” I’m disappointed in me again this morning. But today, I’m sorely disappointed in me. And I tell myself: “You can’t blame her. You should have done all you possibly could have when the opportunity was there.” No, I can’t blame anybody else. This one, this fuck-up is mine. I own this one. And I’ll have to deal with it. Stupid. That’s all it is… plain stupid. – I want to build a “local” Journal now. Why? I’m not sure. But it’s another project to keep me busy, occupied. “Occupied”. That’s what I need to be, to dodge the thoughts and memories. And the pain – 8.20
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
MESSAGE RECEIVED FROM VINCENT ON 14 NOVEMBER 2016:
Vincent Dupont
22:12 (24 minutes ago)
to me
Hi Jude — very sorry i’m so slow to respond. The quick answer in the first question is, yes, we’ll be open. I hope your friends can make it.
On the second, i am still interested in having someone on site but i think my timing has changed. I concluded the cabin i was going to use probably wasn’t in shape for someone to stay there over the winter. But it should be fine the other months of the year.
What about you — are you ready to leave now or could you stay put until spring? Let me know your thinking and we can get the conversation going again.
All the best – vd
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
12.13 FUCKING DAY WASTED BECAUSE OF THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT TOSHIBA FUCKING SHIT LAP-TOP!!! FUCKING TOUCH-PAD FROZE A-FUCKING-GAIN AND I COULDN’T GET IT TO COME BACK! POWERED-DOWN, POWERED UP AND ALL THE FUCKING WORK I’D DONE VANISHED! SO ALL MORNING I’VE BEEN GOING THROUGH BOXES AND SACKS AND SHIT AND FUCK-ALL TO FIND THE MOUSE AND… I CAN’T FUCKING FIND IT! I’VE NO FUCKING IDEA WHERE IT FUCKING IS! AND YES, I’M FUCKING PISSED OFF! BUT I’M FUCKING TAKING A FUCKING BREAK! AS FOR THE FUCKING TOUCH-FUCKING-PAD, IT FUCKING FROZE AND THEN I FUCKING HIT THE WRONG FUCKING KEY TO GET IT TO FUCKING WORK A-FUCING-GAIN! OVER AND OVER I HIT THE WRONG KEY UNTIL… I HIT THE RIGHT FUCKING KEY AND NOW IT’S FUCKING WORKING A-FUCKING-GAIN UNTIL THE NEXT FUCKING TIME! I HAVE TO FUCKING GO THROUGH ALL THE FUCKING BOXES, SERIOUSLY. BUT RIGHT NOW? I’M FUCKING EXHAUSTED. NOT ENOUGH FUCKING SLEEP LAST FUCKING NIGHT AND THE ANXIETIES OF THIS FUCKING TRAP AND THE POTENTIAL FOR SOME SORT OF UTTER STUPIDITY TO BREAK AT ANY MOMENT. (I’m going to TRY to get a nap… TRY, I say because… well..) – 21.35 WELL!… It took me ALL morning, of going through the boxes and the sacks and the bags and all the rest of the packed shit, opening sealed boxes and the rest BUT… I FOUND THE MOUSE for the lap-top. And where was it? At some time well after noon, there is was.. in the extra tote! Fuck me! But I got to go through the stuff and re-stack away from the heat and tonight, it’s actually quite warm in the room! Of course, it’s much warmer tonight than last night. So much so that even with the thermometer on the porch reading 18F, the Southern breezes have made it so that it would be a delightful night to sleep OUT. Now… if I were closer to the ADKs… but tonight, again… I’m in the shit-pot of the shit-hole. Fucked. – The day went along rather well. Very well, considering my 5 hours of sleep last night. I did manage a 30 minute nap at one point but… not a real nap at all. Mme. was too much round the place. – News: The Stanhopes need to have something repaired on the house they’ve allegedly purchased and no, they did NOT move out today. As I’d expected. But I said nothing on the matter. No sense. Captain Obvious took a holiday. – Funny note: the site I’d built for Schmulik is DOWN. Expired in 2014. His feses-book page is blocked. But his “image” is a photo of him wearing WAY over-sized spectacles and the words “Not my president” across it. Fucking little nasty immigrant. Oh well… If I were the type, I’d report the fucking studio for all the illegals in it. We’ll see what time brings. – Dinner tonight was a delicious meatloaf! REALLY delicious. Squash, of course and baked potato. Did I have enough to cure hunger? No. But enough to get by. – The dishes are done… including the one that got “cleaned” by Hallie… with more Clorox Cleanup. When that’s gone, I’ll have to resort to straight javel. But they’re all in the drain board. – The wood-stove is stuffed. The flue was set very nicely indeed, but I just heard it being “adjusted”. Fire-wood is disappearing rapidly. The kitchen stack MIGHT just make it until Wednesday at this rate. Honestly, she goes through it like it’s free! And then whines because it’s going to cost her another 200$ to get another cord. Well? Tough shit sister. Learn how to burn it properly… especially when it comes to keeping the flue open all the way all night. Really? WTF? Oh well.. if it means cranking the furnace up on the week-end… so be it. Sure as Hell I won’t be in here freezing… NEVER AGAIN in this shit-box. 4 years of it has been MORE than enough for me! – That said, my throat’s a bit on the sore side and my sinuses seem a bit on the “iffy” side tonight. I wonder if I’m not coming down with that fucking cold. Oh, if I am, so be that too. There’s nothing “healthy” about this place and this state… physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. – But, I have the mouse, attached to the lap-top and hoping that it takes care of the shit. The lap-top is “organised” again as I want it and there’s enough “work” to be done on it to keep me occupied through the week-end coming. And… I’m to understand that Jacquie will begin working at 9.00 on Thursday so I’ll have a longer week-end… May it be productive… for me. – 21.50, the house is closed and time for a brief… BRIEF soc.med. and HOPEFULLY for a night’s sleep! – 22.08 KARMA: got photos of the damage at 5225. The little wash-room off the kitchen is a MESS! I’m imaging the tub up-stairs is about to drop through the floor up there. Horror news: They’ll be back on Thursday again… Bobo got his job back and on the 7th Feb. they’ll return… to fix the house for selling. (Right. As if.) Poor Gordo is taking the ex-landlord from VT to court (tomorrow?) because of not clearing “black mold” in the place he was going to move into before Bobo took him in (and tossed me out). Honestly… this place makes me want to puke. – So… back to my browsing and then hopefully to sleep. – KARMA –

Tue.10.Jan: FUCK! DOUBLE-DIGIT DATE ALREADY! FUCK! – 9.34 Only been up for an hour. Yep, slept-in again, as it were. But had coffee, &c. and chat with Mme. about the condition of 5225 based on photos. Expressed my delight in the situation there and went for a smoke. Tah-dah, the day commences… fuck me much. As for the rest of it? Well, my throat’s a bit scratchy. I wonder if it isn’t the dust from the boxes yesterday. And my teeth are bothering me, especially the broken one. Pains in my chest, left side. Strike me down and make it lethal. That’s all I have to say on the matter. – There’s more than enough to keep busy with in the music files on the computer and there’s the local copy of this journal to occupy time with. So and but and however and… (Gee, it’s the 10th… the “Xmas” tree is still up and decorated in the parlour. And Mme. sits in the kitchen, on the phone, I presume with Mme. O. Canada. I say no more.) – Tally… ho! – 24.08 Made it through another day. Don’t know how though. And I don’t know why I’m still awake. No nap and have been “not well” all day. Can’t decide whether it’s a slight cold or old dust inhaled from going through the boxes. Or maybe it’s just “time”. – Spent most of the day in the room, editing the music files. Mostly the Hebrew music. Took a couple of small break through the day to be “sociable” as Jacquie “de-decorated” the Xmas tree. It’s not standing in the living-room, waiting for ME to cut it down to fire-wood. ME… of course. No help. “You can do that over the week-end.” Isn’t that delightful? *I* can do it over the week-end. Oh, I will… and I’ll burn it “over the week-end” too. Fucking shit. – Had a rather nice dinner of noodles, with mixed veg. and some sort of chicken done in white wine and lemon juice. From the looks of meals, it would appear that food is scarce in the house. Meanwhile, she talks of food that has to be thrown out… in the freezer in the garage. These people here and their freezers full of food that “has to be thrown out”. – Well… the winds came today, from the South. It “frozen rained” earlier but right now, the wind is WHOOSHING through the trees rather mightily and the temperature is about 7. Quite nice, after the bitter cold. – My teeth, lower right, are a bit painful tonight. Sinus? Or cracked? Can’t quite decide on that either. But, all said and done, as I’ve said, I’ve made it through another day. – Tomorrow, the truck is due back round about 11.00… or so she says. If it comes back, I’ll be expected to go with her to BTV and Costco. BUT… I MUST remember: SHE MENTIONED A “LITTLE PARTY” FOR SOMEBODY AT WORK! THAT MEANS, SITTING IN THE TRUCK FOR HOURS… WITH HALLIE… AGAIN! I SHALL, NO MATTER WHAT, BE ILL. CAN’T POSSIBLY SPEND ALL THAT TIME IN THE TRUCK. “BAD BOWELS” AND THE LIKES. – On that note, time to try for lights out here. Throat’s a bit on the strange sort, and I’ve been “light” through most of the day. Maybe a bit of rest? Who knows? – (In tonight’s wind I thought: I’ll have to remember some kind of stakes to hold the tarp down when I head up the ADKs. Tonight wouldn’t have been such a bad night.) – Oh… one more thing: I showed Mme. the photos of 5225 damage and admitted to my absolute delight. I told her “All through my life-time, it’s been amazing: when somebody fucks me over, I need do nothing, and Karma or something handles it for me. This time, it’s that house. It’s been like that all my life. I guess I’m really not such a shit after all.” Later, she was on the phone with Pam… giving her all the dirt about the photos and such. I told her that if it gets back to the fagz that I’m in the know, they’ll cut their source… I’ll be blocked from my source. But, as I said, it would serve the town right. – I HAVE TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! (And the fagz are due back again… Thursday.)

Wed.11.Jan: PARTY AT THE HOME! HOURS IN THE TRUCK! DIARRHOEA!
BOBO BACK TO WORK VT 23RD JAN.
10.02 WELL! I didn’t bother to get out of the bed until just past 9.15 this morning. And the house was… it was. Jacquie in the loo, prepping for the day. And, of course, when I got to table for coffee and mentioned the 23rd and not feeling well (“I fell asleep just after you woke this morning.” said I.) “How do you feel about coming to BTV with me today?” I just shook my head and said “Not unless you want your freshly repaired truck covered in poopie.” Thankfully (thus far), the matter is dropped. – It’s over-cast this morning, with breaks in the clouds. The ice is wet with melt and there’s a warmish breeze. Nice day. The wood stack in the kitchen is almost gone, completely. There’s a draft in this little room. And… the day commences. (I hope the truck will be ready and here on time for Jacquie to get to her “staff meeting” today, for more reasons than… Lettuce prey – 21.05 Quite tired. Just into bed. Jacquie was asleep on the recliner when I came into the room but is just heading to bed now. Up-stairs, the thumping and running about is on schedule. How charming. Jacquie’s got to be out of here by about 8.00 in the morning tomorrow… good luck with a night’s sleep for her If I can hear the thumping in this room… it’s going to be directly over her head. Oh well… Let’s see how that works out for her. – The truck came back at about 11.00 and she was off and running. Ms. Hallie and I stayed at the house. I managed to get another 100 or more songs sorted and re-titled. TOO many duplicates, I must say. Will have to figure what to do with them. There’s DAYS of music on this, if not a week or more… every day, all day. It’s going to be something. – And then… THEN… THE XMAS TREE IS GONE! YES, I DID IT! MY WAY: clipped the smaller branched, lopped the larger and all of them went directly into the wood-stove. I don’t much give a shit about “creosote” and other shit. Even most of the needles went into the fire! Then, out came the Hoover for the rest. The trunk is cut and laying in the bins beside the stove… to “dry” a bit. It’s quite “sappy” at present. Note? Jacquie came in at about 18.00 (with, of course, food groceries… I knew, of course, that she would… won’t wait to use the FS… NOT my issue) and it took until about 20.00 before she noticed… even as she sat on the recliner! So… just goes to prove how much WORK around here never gets noticed. Do I give a shit? No, I do not. Why not? Because when work gets done, it’s not noticed; when work does NOT get done, these shits whine. That’s how it is. In-bred retards. So be it. – I ate the left-overs tonight. Not really hungry but I know that I MUST eat something in a day and so i did. Oh well… I was JUST finished with the tree (during which, by the way, I broke into a full sweat!) and eating when he rolled in. – Nice day out today. Too bad I’m not “fit enough” to get out and enjoy it. Warm and rather delightful. Tomorrow, warmer and rain… and the fagz return… perhaps for the duration, or what-ever. As Jacquie points out: there’s no water in the house and no place to bathe. Oh well… alas for them. – Now… quickly… soc.med. and try to sleep. My nose is itching, I’m sneezing again, and my throat has a tickle… just since being in the room. Clean-up, for MY sake, on the week-end. Thorough… I should think… for MY sake. – 23.25 The fagz are due back at about 10.00 tomorrow. I expect they’ll bring Dixie with them. It’s going to be painful for me, knowing she’s back and I’ll be prohibited from seeing her. But, it’s probably best that way… for Dixie. I love her. She obviously loved me (as Lyle pointed-out repeatedly). I wonder what he’d have to say about the situation. Meanwhile, the very thought of them being back here makes me physically ill. It’s just “hate”, that’s all. Well… I doubt they’ll make contact… and I certainly hope that’s how it turns out. – I MUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS STATE SOON AND QUICKLY!

Thu.12.Jan: 7.05 Yes, 7.05 Pinkled. Coffee. Smoke. The rains have arrived. The temperatures have gone quite warm. I’ve a muscle spasm in the left side of my upper chest. and I woke from a DREAM:
I was driving the Subaru, radio blaring, South-bound, on the Edoin, and was just turning onto the Dalpé. And the car was running quite well. I sensed a bit of some kind of “noise” and couldn’t turn the radio volume down low enough to actually hear it. But just as I turned onto the Dalpé, I woke.
How about DAT? The alarm sounded and I turned it off and got up. – Jacquie’s in the shower. I used the WC to pee, and went to the kitchen for coffee. Out to smoke through the little door. All’s … well… it is. Another day commences. (No doubt I’ll “nap” when she leaves though. I’m rather tired this morning.) – I had quite the time trying to get to sleep last night at almost mid-night. Probably didn’t get to sleep until about 1.00. So this was about hours of sleep. Maybe it’ll be enough. I don’t know what’s on the agenda that demands that I do it this morning. So maybe there will be a nap… maybe not. If not, maybe I’ll be able to get to sleep at a civil hour tonight. We shall see. – 11.12 Wood stacked. Floors Hooveres. Provisions and ‘mokes for the week-end, got. THAT WAS SAD! The fagz are back and as I passed 5225 coming back to 5199 I heard Dixie and Sasha barking and howling. They’re locked up in the large bed-room. As per usual, I suppose. Oh well… nothing I can do about it. – The Nissan is in front of 5199, PA plates. Morons. So too, the garbage bins. None of my business. – But, the “work” here is done… for now. I’m going to spoil me with a nap. Fuck it. – 18.01
*********************************************************************************
THE FUCKING “MARCHING” STARTED AT 17.20 AND IT’S STILL GOING ON! THE FUCKING BRAT-TWAT UP-STAIRS IF FUCKING MARCHING… ACROSS THE LIVING-ROOM CEILING! UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE! AND NOW… AT 18.03… RUNNING ACROSS THE ENTIRE HOUSE! NOT EVEN THE KITCHEN IS QUIET!
12 JAN.
18.36 RUNNING/STOMPING ACROSS THE ENTIRE NORTH-SOUTH LENGTH OF THE HOUSE!
19.03 RUNNING CONTINUES, AND STOMPING/JUMPING.
19.07 KNOCKING/HAMMERING ON THE FLOOR/CEILING (NORTH-EAST CORNER OF LIVING-ROOM)
19.11 KNOCKING ON THE FLOOR INCREASES.
*19.19 sent message to Jacquie.
19.23 SOMETHING SLAMMED ON THE CEILING.
19.32 BANGING ON CEILING LIKE HAMMERING.
20.20 “MARCHING” AND DROPPING SHIT ON THE FLOOR UP-STAIRS (3 THREE FUCKING HOURS!)

********************************************************************************************
SENT TO JACQUIE TONIGHT:
5:20pm: The “marching” started.
6:03pm: Running across the entire length of the house.
6:36pm: Running & Stomping across the length of the house.
7:03pm: Knocking or “hammering” on the floor at the North-East corner of the living-room.
7:11pm: The knocking on the floor became harder, louder.
7:19pm: Sent a message
7:23pm: Sounded like something dropped onto the up-stairs floor.
8.20pm: “Marching” and dropping things on the up-stairs floor.
(Thus far: THREE hours, literally NON-STOP)

AND IT’S STILL GOING ON! THE FUCKING BRAT-TWAT UP-STAIRS IF FUCKING MARCHING… ACROSS THE LIVING-ROOM CEILING! UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE! AND NOW… AT 18.03… RUNNING ACROSS THE ENTIRE HOUSE! NOT EVEN THE KITCHEN IS QUIET!
12 JAN.
18.36 RUNNING/STOMPING ACROSS THE ENTIRE NORTH-SOUTH LENGTH OF THE HOUSE!
19.03 RUNNING CONTINUES, AND STOMPING/JUMPING.
19.07 KNOCKING/HAMMERING ON THE FLOOR/CEILING (NORTH-EAST CORNER OF LIVING-ROOM)
19.11 KNOCKING ON THE FLOOR INCREASES.
*19.19 sent message to Jacquie.
19.23 SOMETHING SLAMMED ON THE CEILING.
19.32 BANGING ON CEILING LIKE HAMMERING.
20.20 “MARCHING” AND DROPPING SHIT ON THE FLOOR UP-STAIRS (3 THREE FUCKING HOURS!)
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23.03 IN BED! QUIET! AT LAST! Jacquie phoned on the house phone at almost 21.00 and there was only the minor rumblings, as there are after a severe thunder storm. She got an ear FULL of “fucking” and “cock-sucking” and such and, as I’d sent in a text, I repeated that she’s certainly got a knack for renting to utter “trash”. She told me that if it should ever happen again, to call her at work and she’ll call them to stop it. And then, the conversation turned to “nice”. Well… that’s probably blown away. But at least it’s documented, here and on her phone. THIS WAS ONE HELL OF 3,5 HOURS OF HELL TONIGHT! AND MY GUTS ARE IN KNOTS EVEN NOW FROM IT. Well… the best I can hope for is to get out… SOON! Next chance, no hesitations… GONE! – Meal, mean-while: left-over franks in biscuits, 3, some potato crisps and then a bit of “store brand” ice cream. After… TWO beers! And a bit of TV. – Now, there’s a nice fire in the stove. Just in from a smoke. The rains have stopped, the skies are cloudy, there a wind blowing in the colder air. Winter’s coming back. – Franklin… Vermont… I should have gone back to NY the moment the shit started to hit the fan… 5 years ago. – All that can be done now is… see what fucking shit tomorrow brings. Soc.med. and try for sleep. I’m not too concerned about “waking time” tomorrow though. Most of the “house-work” is done and the “new” posting is out on Craigslist.

Fri.13.Jan: 6.35 Ducky. Let’s see how THIS Friday, the 13th goes. – At 6.00: Tinkle, tinkle, la la la, the alarm; then boom boom boom down the porch stairs from up-stairs, boom boom boom up the stairs, boom boom boom down the stairs again; then 6.08 “WOOOO, WOOO, WOOOO, the fire siren at the fire-house. And so much for “I don’t care what time I get up.” So now, coffee, smoke, the fire’s re-started and… I suppose this is the hour at which I will “get up”. The day commences. – Chilly out there this morning, as a delivery gets to the store, the mail has been dropped at the post office and the fine citizens of this shit-pot take to the roads on their morning commutes. Tah-fucking-dah. Oh well. Nice beginning to another day of misery… no doubt. As Sue asked yesterday “How’s it going over there?” and I replied “Not so good… I’m still here.” (And my left sinus is leaking.) –
10.10 and the running commences up-stairs. – 18.35 I worked ALL DAY on the music re-names BUT I got my jammies washed (which I’ll have to do again tomorrow evening anyway), and my finger nails filed down nicely. Stopped for 2 cheese samiches at about noon, dinner of meatloaf samiches (followed by ice cream) at 17.00. – Bad news? The fire-wood is going a LOT FASTER than ever before for some reason. I’ll have to hit the weekly stack before Sunday. Oh well… another cord is coming on Monday… and we know who’ll HAVE to bring THAT into the garage and stack it. FUCK ME! Really. – This morning’s running up-stairs didn’t last long, Of course, the day is coming to a close and there’s thumping and shit going on up there. But you know? It’s not worth the mentioning. – Something crossed my mind earlier this evening: Jacquie is an “only child”. No wonder there’s no talking to her. She’s not accustomed to being “told” anything. Dense. Oh well… – I do believe I saw Bobo out in the bitter cold this afternoon… seems “the wood shed” shifted. I saw that quite some time ago and spoke on it with Jacquie… these morons believe me to be stupid. But it appears that some kind of red plastic or another is up in place. Spaces, no doubt. Oh dear… Oh well… Oh shit… Oh fuck them. – And so… tonight there WILL be a shower.. in a little while. Meanwhile… I need to take a break from the music list (4500 left to address before trying to decide what to keep and what to dump… if anything gets dumped). I want a full back-up of this journal for CD or peripheral drive so I’ll be coding five years’ worth… eventually. Well? Isn’t this what Winter is for? Can’t go out there a freeze. (Fuck.) –
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18.47 Ah… and the nightly BULL-SHIT up-stairs begins! Running the length of the house. Shit-bags. – 22.05 “Hannity” is on and the little fuck-shit-bag starts running across the house. – I’m off to the shower. – 22.37 The pounding finally ended up there. But my insides are “set” for it now… and I’m not feeling nor looking well. – I’ve SHOWERED! Just a “shampoo” shower tonight, to be “me” clean for my clean jammies. Tomorrow night will be THE SHOWER! Meanwhile, I’m good, comfy. And the hot water warmed my body up. – That “mole” on my chest is rather “open”. Looking a little better with that medication. Oh, if I were able to re-apply twice daily as instructed. But… Fuck me. And it looks like I’ll be waiting a LONG time for blood-root now that the fagz have returned. My stupidity again… Hesitate and lose. I must remember that… and NOT EVER repeat it again! The place in NY. The blood-root. And SO much MORE. I really need to work on… leaving. – Didn’t send a “report” to Jacquie tonight either. Won’t now at this hour. No prob. Not for me anyway. – I got quite a bit of music sorted out today AND figured a bit of a way to get this journal back-up. Not an easy way. There’s a LOT of editing that needs to be done since WP shoves shit into XML and HTML5 and such. But, it’s not impossible. It’ll just take some time, that’s all. And Winter’s here… (I’ve GOT to get the FUCK OUT of this place! Winter!) And so, I have another diversion and distraction to occupy my mind and dodge the darkness. – So now? I’m going to try to sneak out “my” door for a quick smoke. I’ve had 3 “rollies” today, from the old butts. And there’s more tobacco to be rolled in a bag in a jar. And another whole pack… that’ll last until… Anyway, I have to sneak out so Hallie doesn’t notice that I’ve left. It’s a little annoying but very heart-breaking: SHE DOESN’T WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE! – Note: Tickle in the throat and sneezing all day and runny nose. Cold? Flu? Allergies? Death? (Wouldn’t’ THAT be too good for me!) – Off to the cold to smoke, then a bit of soc.med. and then… HOPEFULLY SOME FUCKING SLEEP!!! IN FUCKING PEACE!!!

Sat.14.Jan: 7.38 Loo. Coffee. Smoke. Fire re-started. Cold morning. Heavy chest. One of these mornings… it’ll hit. I woke just before the 6.00 alarm, 5.56 to be exact. Heard the alarm, turned it off, dozed. And now I’m awake, to face another day. Why? I don’t know. Don’t care. It’s Saturday. Another day. – 23.14 Why do they call it a “wake”? So if the dead person doesn’t, they know they can have a funeral after? – Triple SHOWERED again, tonight. Maybe, one day, before I finally shit the sheets, I’ll be able to do so on freshly-washed bed linens. I doubt it. But… – As for the day? I got ALL of the LoupNordique copied to HTML! NOW, I have to re-code it all. I didn’t bother to read any of it, really. But what I did read, I wasn’t happy about. Honestly… before I ran out of cash, I should have gone right back to the airport, gotten a ticket and gone BACK to NY. By now I probably would have had a heart attack because of all the ignorance and utter stupidity, but… I SHOULD HAVE GONE RIGHT BACK. WHAT A FUCKTARD I’VE BEEN! – I ate. Yes, left-overs. And I got kept the fire going a bit, with the cedar from out back. That stuff is amazing! It burns down to fine ash! And even the bits of embers it left were hot enough to re-start the damned stove! It’s going again… now… for the night. – I also got smart today: I was COLD ALL fucking day until… I went in and turned the fucking thermostat UP to 65F which warmed the place SO comfortably! SO… now I know… 65F is fine… on week-ends. Hey! I’ll be fucked and damned if I’m going to spend ANOTHER Winter being cold to the bone. NOT ANY MORE! – Listened to PHC this evening. Nice enough. – And Ms. Hallie got her “’panky music” in this evening. She’s such a sweet little thing. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that she’s so sensitive, because of her size. But she truly IS a loving little creature. And SO deserving of SO much LOVE! – And too, my clothes are washed. I’m clean. Clothes are clean. Tomorrow I’m only going to mop the kitchen floor. No “labour” this week-end. I’m tired of it all. – Now… a touch of soc.med. and off to try for a nap. (I took one for an hour, 15-16.00 today. It was supposed to be 30 minutes but.. Fuck it!)

Sun.15.Jan: Happy Birthday Pookie… where-ever you are. – And fuck. Half of another month GONE – (23.24.14.Jan) – 8.10 WHY? (Am I awake? At this hour? Again, on this day? Just… WHY?) – Morning “chores” are done. Just the floors are left. But at least, it’s not freezing in the house. At least. – 21.40 PAIN! The lower, left, “wisdom” tooth… I think it’s cracked. The pain is excruciating tonight to the point where I’ve taken 2 “PM” what-evers and am hoping to just go to sleep… VERY shortly after putting the light out. – Jacquie didn’t get back until almost 17.00 or so. She’d gone to a film with “the sisters”. “Lion”. Imagine that. Oh well. – I’ve had only A bowl of “Life” cereal all day and a couple crackers with some cheese when she got in. SHE had a couple glasses of wine and I must say, she got a bit on the “blitzed” side, discussing her week-end and describing things as “fucking”. Well… Mme…. imagine that! – And we sat to watch a bit of TV. I slept through most of “60 Minutes”. But I really just am having a bit of difficulty dealing with the tooth pain. I’ve pulled, put on Orajel and taken the pain things. Let’s hope something “works”. – GOT NEW SOFT-WARE today, to edit the Journal pages! It’s WONDERFUL except for one little detail: IT’S IN GERMAN! AND NO ENGLISH VERSION AVAILABLE! Funny shit… I type on this version of “OpenOffice”… in French, and now, HTML editor in GERMAN! Honestly, I can figure SOME of the terminology, but really… German. Of all things. Well, at least it’s not Russian or something like that. But it works… thus far. I haven’t gotten much chance to use it. – 21.47 I left Jacquie on the recliner in the living-room, I’d stoked the stove and set the flue to let some heat up for warmth in this room (which is a bit “chilled” of course) and now I hear, through the wall, that she’s re-adjusted the flue. She just can’t leave well-enough alone. Honestly. Spoiled idiot. As if I don’t know what I’m doing with the fucking stove. Oh well… tonight I just don’t have the energy, mental or physical, to deal with it. – And tonight, of course, there was SO LITTLE NOISE FROM UP-STAIRS. Not “none” but so very little. Fucking twats. One of these days: pay-back… – Oh! One of the Canadian guys who’s been “following” me on Twtr:Woodhauler actually found the blog! AND sent me an e-mail! Complimenting me on my Tweets and the blog! he’s 72 and a neighbour of another I used to communicate with for a while (until she went off on me… Ann Harris). The world gets smaller. But what a delight to correspond, off social media, with somebody else from Twtr… and another Canadian! I am, rather humbled. – I see from my little “note” here that Friday will be 43 years that G’s burnt. It doesn’t seem possible that I’ve survived this long.. 43 years, and yet, in my mind and heart I can still see the dance floor, the juke box, the piano room, the front parlour. All, still there. – Well… time to run through the soc.med…. and tonight… run. I want to get to sleep… PLEASE! SLEEP! Tomorrow, supposedly, another cord of wood will be delivered… more stacking. Woodhauler hauls again! – Happy Birthday Pookie… where-ever you are.

Mon.16.Jan: 9.45 Woke at about 9.00. The fucking fire-wood is in front of the garage already. The left side o my jaw is “under pressure” and I can’t put teeth together. Had a “chat” with Mme. this morning. The P.O. is closed because of MLK. And Mme. wants to go to riding… well… to get an “under-coat” on the truck. And I want to cancel the entire day. This week it will be 3 full days. No “staff meeting” this week. God help us all. – 21.44 In bed. New bandage on the “mole”. The old one fell off. – A PAINFUL day, with that tooth. Although, it’s not the tooth so much as the jaw-bone and the “joint” now. But, I’ve pulled twice, even just now. We shall see what’s to come. – The day: not at all too bad. We took off and went into Hannaford’s where I got coffee, creamer, more tea, and a loaf of raisin bread (which I’m keeping in the room for me), and I got a tub of tapioca pudding (most of which I had when we got back to the house, and Jacquie finished the little bit that was left). Got a couple of things for Jacquie’s Lis as well. Then, it was off to the “car wash” in Enosburgh and to take the truck to Mike for an “under-coat”. That took about 30 minutes, most of which I “snoozed” through. I find I’ve nothing much to say any more. Mostly because I’m not listened to, some of which is just that there’s nothing to be said, and some is that I just don’t want to be so bothered. After the truck was done, we dropped by Lis’s with her things and she paid me 10$ cash for a tub of yoghurt and a bag of clementines. (I don’t know how much it came to because I haven’t looked at the receipt but… At the market, I told Jacquie to throw all the groceries together. “But Lis will insist upon paying for her things.” she snapped at me. “So? I’ll put them on the card and at worst, she’ll pay me the cash and I’ll have a little cash. Is that so bad?” I could see that she was obviously pissed for some reason but she put everything on the belt. Seriously? Pisses? Honestly… what a fucktard. But it worked out well enough. I have a pack of smokes… or, the cash to get one… and I’ll need one tomorrow, having only 5 left right now.) – And so, it was back to the house where…..
WOODHAULER HAULS AGAIN! MOST of the fire-wood is now in the garage. It got a bit too dark in the garage to work, and GOD FORBID the light should be switched on from IN the KITCHEN! So I simply stopped, left the hay cart there and came into the house. I’ll finish tomorrow. But… WOODHAULER HAULS AGAIN! By the way: the “wood”? Al shit! No “over-night” pieces and SO MUCH DIRT! It’s going to be an effort to get that up. And, most of the pieces are tiny… “starters” at best. Just shit. And Mme. tells me that instead of 190 for the “cord”, the fuck-tart charged her 210! She got screwed. As I said: typical Vermonter… Screw unto others and run.
This evening, Jes and Kerry came to dinner. Fish. Thankfully, nothing I had to chew. And I ate rather well. The chats were delightful, from U.S. to Canada politics, language and the condition of the house at 5225. Semms I’ve become the “news source” in town. These pathetic little folks here. And at one point, I actually got the opportunity to vent and express my feelings and opinion of Vermont. I’ll suppose that if there’s a functioning brain cell about, they’re getting the right idea as to the depth and extent of my HATRED for this state. It came up when Jes said that Fuklin now has a “Recreation Committee”! WHAT? “Recreation”? and a “Committee”? This place gets more and more pathetic as the moments pass. But it all ended well and happy-happy. Very nice, indeed. – They all left. Jacquie insisted that I not wash the dinner dishes (and I didn’t). We watched a bit of TV until about 21.10 when I stoked the stove for the night, took Ms. Hallie out for “pinkle” and a ‘moke and emptied the ash bucket on the drive. – As I was getting ready for bed, the bandaid on the mole fell off, so I’ve put another on, with more “ointment”. It’s actually looking better, I must say. It’s drying up and going away! I can only hope. Why? Just because I don’t want it bleeding and running and such any more. Other than that much… it makes no difference. I’m sure that, if it’s cancer, there’s MUCH more of it some other places. May it simply “take me” quickly. At this point, I don’t much care where, when… just quickly. (All day I’ve felt “removed” from “me”. Maybe it’s my “O2 Sat”? What-ever. – Well… now it’s 22.01. The dryer is running. Mme. is in the loo after having “checked and re-adjusted” the wood stove. It was rather nice and warm in this room this evening. Why? I don’t know. I suspect the heat was turned up for a bit. But I’m sure that too will be “rectified”. Oh well… Come the week-end there certainly will be no more being “chilled” around here again. – Now for a bit of soc.med. catch-up and, in spite of the bit of pain (for which I’d taken 2 naproxyn at about 18.30 or so and they’re wearing off already) hopefully a night of sleep. Last night, when I finally got to lights out, it was difficult to fall asleep, but once “out”, I slept heavily… Jacquie said the phone rang at about 1.30… I never heard it. May tonight be similar… sleep… deeply and soundly. (The pain in the tooth is coming back though.)

Tue.17.Jan: 21.51 First time I’ve actually gotten to this computer ALL DAY! AND, the first moments out of absolute and SEVERE, HORRIFIC PAIN!! IT’S BEEN A DAY RIGHT OUT OF THE BOOKS OF PURE HELL WITH THE PAIN!!! THRICE, I APPLIED THE HOT WATER WASH-CLOTH! IT DID A LITTLE GOOD, BUT NOT “THE” GOOD. AND WHEN I WASN’T IN PAIN, I COULDN’T STAY AWAKE, FROM FATIGUE! HORRID! JACQUIE EVEN OFFERED, REPEATEDLY, TO TAKE ME EITHER TO THE E.R. LOCALLY OR TO A DOCTOR IN BTV! I WAS THAT BAD! But at this moment, I feel like I’m coming down with a cold, and the jaw and tooth pain is FINALLY less. Not gone… but less. At one point, at about 16.00, as I was trying to up-date Jacquie’s lap-top, I came to bed to rest. I dozed a bit, with my mouth open, because that was to only way to stop the pain and, as I dropped-off into sleep, my jaw shut and my teeth slammed together and the pain was such that I was REELING, pacing, twisting my head, it was all but unbearable. I locked myself in the loo so Jacquie couldn’t see or hear me moaning and whining. Yes, this was a day when DEATH SHOULD have come… but we all know: there’s no mercy in Creation… and so, here I am.
FURTHER NEWS: I woke… “woke” at 9.08, got dressed, went to loo, had coffee and grabbed my tote (which I never used… the iPod) and headed through the kitchen-garage door… out to FINISH STACKING THE FIRE-WOOD! Jacquie asked “You’re not going out there this early?” I replied “Immediately.” and she let it go. I DID IT! The wood is stacked, the front is clean. The garage is clean. DONE! I came back in at about 11.00 and tried to help Jacquie get on-line to a site that was supposed to help her put in her time and such for work. It won’t work because… WELL! “Windows XP” is no longer supported and the idiots who wrote the coding for the site eliminated it before it actually died. “Windows 7”, yes, but not the “in-betweens”. It took HOURS to find out why I couldn’t get the lap-top to down-load and launch the soft-ware. By the time I learnt what was wrong, it was dinner time! Jacquie made ravioli (so I wouldn’t have to “chew”. I had some. It was SO GOOD. BUT… it did require some chewing, which I did precious little of. I also, thanks to Jacquie’s kindness, took TWO naproxyn WITH TWO shots of V.O.! Ah… the PAIN is SO great that even THAT required the third hot compress as we sat to watch TV! This PAIN is INCREDIBLE! – But just before dinner, I brought the my lap-top out to log onto fesses-book and show Jacquie the post from last night on Ms. Gordie’s page:
The little fagtard is claiming, “old farm house”, “13 rooms”, “5 bed-rooms”, SIX acres of land and ELEVEN blueberry bushes (which I’ll try to sell this Summer… says it)! WHAT… THE… FUCK? I’d done a lay-out of the 2 floors of the house and between Jacquie and I, the MOST WE could come up with was 11 rooms. I KNOW there’s only 5 blue-berry bushes over there (maybe 6… but certainly NOT 11), and Jacquie and I BOTH KNOW that it’s only THREE acres of property. Honestly! What a fucking moron, that one over there. Also, Dixie’s NOT up here. Bobo’s aunt is watching the dogs and they’re going to PA on Saturday to fetch the little ones. I don’t know what dogs I’d heard last week, but I’m relieved to know that Dixie’s not in that house whilst they rip old walls and ceilings down. Imagine, her, the poor little thing, inhaling all that old dust and shit. I mean, bad enough I have a massive sinus infection (from the wood-dust I’m thinking). But Jacquie and I had a bit of a laugh and in the chat about it she said the MOST REMARKABLE THING:
“You ruined your back, pulling all that metal so that he could just give it away.”
I almost cried… How fucking sad it that? I cried, simply because somebody acknowledged my injuries and efforts.
ANYWAY… Step back to this morning when I came in from stacking the wood, Jacquie said that I could have waited until tomorrow. I told her that I didn’t want to take the chance of rain or snow and having it freeze to the ground because it would be ME, alone, trying to get it loose and into the garage. WELL…. At about 21.45, Ms. Hallie and I went out for “Seepie-nigh-night ‘moke’n’pinkle” and… SNOW! INDEED! I KNOW OF WHAT I BLITHER! TAH-DAH! SAVED! – And so, on this that note, I can finish today’s entry. – I’ve taken one more naproxyn, just as a “booster”. I’m taking too many, too close together, but I’m not taking any chances with this pain… which is trying to make a come-back even as I type. Bad enough I didn’t really “sleep” ALL night last night. Hopefully I won’t have to go through that shit again tonight. And hey! I barely got to social media today! Moments this morning and nothing else. Imagine that! – Tomorrow is Wednesday and no “staff meeting”. Let us hope for a peaceful day… and then? MY “week-end”! May it come and pass in peace and NO FUCKING PAIN! PLEASE! I’M ABOUT READY TO GRAB PLIERS AND YANK SOME TEETH OUT! (I’m already trying to loosen the broken one… At this point, I hope I can an get it out!)

Wed.18.Jan: 7.00 Have had coffee and ‘moke and loo and such. Why? I’ve no idea. The pain is a quite low this morning, but still, remains, traces in the lower jaw and the “drip” sensation in the ear. Jacquie offered omoxicilin, or how-ever it’s spelled. I declined, pending worsening again. But my chest is very heavy this morning, the lungs feel as if they’re coated with something. And I’m sure my O2 level is low. I can’t help but ponder the possibility of Ca. But there’s no sense worrying about it. If it’s there… 6-8 months. July… August. No prob. Not for me anyway. Meanwhile… we roll along. – OH! Last night, I checked the e-mails and such, that I ignored all day yesterday. That fellow from Canada BOUGHT THE BOOK! “JOURNAL DAYS” MAKES ANOTHER SALE! AND he sent the most charming e-mail about the blog and such. So of course, I sent an e-mail of thanks and a bit more of my own history and such. But… A SALE! YAY! I just wish it would become more and more frequent. Still… So I’m inspired to write another “review” on the blog. I also want to write something to post on the “Mr. G’s” page on fesses-book… for Friday. There are “things” I’d like to do today… “things”. IF I manage to stay awake now, which is a bit doubtful because, quite frankly, it was about 1.00 when I dozed off to sleep this morning, and yes, I am a bit on the tired side now. We shall see. Indeed, we shall. – I’ve taken my 2 vit.C, 2 zinc and 1 naproxyn. Let’s see what it does. – Meanwhile, there’s a bit of snow covering the ground this morning and it’s warm enough for it to be melting already. Warmer temperatures to follow. – Along we go. – 7.21 Well, I finally got the on-line Journal caught-up this morning. Felt I should, considering how awful I actually feel. I wonder… will anybody ever actually find this and tie it into the “me”? Maybe some day. But for now? It doesn’t make any difference. Besides, I doubt anybody really gives a shit anyway… “Work” is getting done, for others, and after all: that’s all that matters. – Jacquie just put the radio on in the kitchen. The day… rolls on and into “drive”. (I want a nap.) – 22.34 and in bed, soc.med. done. It was a good day, all told. Jacquie’s been working on her taxes, I managed to get her onto a couple of sites that she benefited from (like her work e-mail and some tax forms). My face and jaw were OK for most of the day and tonight, before dinner, she got out the CC and poured me some. It really DOES HELP! – Dinner was filling and good. It countered the over-dosing I’m doing with the naproxyn. And then, off to TV. – Oh… shortly after typing that I wanted a nap this morning… I did… from about 9.15-10.00! But even Jacquie said that my body probably needed the rest. – So, the day is done. Tomorrow, Jacquie has to be back on the road by about 10.30… my “week-end” begins early again. At least the “big” work of hauling is done. Floors to clean and such… usual. Hopefully I’ll be in shape to get it all done tomorrow and then… what-ever on the week-end. – Am working on a “Memoriam” for G’s to post on Friday. It’s sad, difficult and heart-breaking… and 43 years ago. I’m beyond “ready” to check out of all of this. – Smoke and memorial and TRY and HOPE for SLEEP and NO PAIN!

Thu.19.Jan: 2.02 Finished with the memorial for Friday, and went back to review the on-line Evening News. Got a spot on the fesses-book page to post it all and started to clean the “music list” that will accompany the post. Now? If my face didn’t bother me so much (just the trace throbbings), I’d consider staying up. But I can’t eat, running low on smokes, shouldn’t get up and go to the kitchen for coffee or such, so… NAP! And I DO mean “NAP” because this morning, Jacquie leaves early and I don’t want to be in bed when she does. SO? FINALLY… lights out. – 7.52 And all the morning stuff is done including a sweep of the back walk. There’s been a little bit of a snow-fall over-night. Not much… just a little. – And the PAIN is now confined to the lower jaw, left side. Breathing is a bit difficult this morning. VERY HEAVY CHEST. Indeed. I probably could go back to sleep but I’m dressed. So? So… back to the Mr. G’s work. If nothing else is accomplished, that will be posted. – If only the PAIN would stop… go away… be gone. – 16.54 WELL! G’s has been posted to MOST of the soc.med. accounts. And WHAT a LIST of music I compiled: titles, artists, year of release, the links to the on-line cuts… posted ALL of that to the fesses-book. But the “Memoriam” and such got posted to blogs. On Twtr, links to the blogs got posted (now there’s a “link” from one to the other… loup, woodhauler, judah… let’s see how long it takes for these morons to figure it all out). – Jacquie left at about 10.30as i was in the little room, working on all the G’s data. (Can I imagine? I’ve been on it for that long!) At noon, I took a break to sweep the floor a bit and have yoghurt. My “face” is feeling a little better. I have to see about the amoxicilin though. If safe, maybe I’ll take it before bed. I don’t know. – Right now… BREAK! Hallie needs dinner and I should eat something too… though I don’t want to for fear of striking more pain. But… – 23.30 G’s is now posted in some format or another, to all of my social media accounts. There’s a fire in the stove comprised of the odd pieces of wood that will probably leave me with no embers tomorrow. But that’s OK. It’s not supposed to get all that cold for a while again. Plus temperatures for the most part. Meanwhile, all the snow is melting again. Ah, but there’s February to come. What-ever. – Jacquie’s replaced the one pack of smokes that I’d taken at the beginning of the week and today, because I haven’t been feeling at all too well, I took another pack. But I have to say that I’m deeply touched by her kindness here. What I need to do is realise that I don’t “must” be around at all times when she’s in. She’s an only child and I’m a miserable old thing who trust no one. Oh well then. – Watched a bit of Trump’s “Inaugural Celebration” today and did some crying. It’s marvellous to see a President of class, sophistication and dignity again. That “Reign of Bonobos” is GONE! To think… when the simian came into the office, I was in a Homeless shelter. Today? I’m in a rather nice house, sleeping in a bed in a “little room” alone, I have 3 days each week alone. How things and times have changed. – But I’m falling apart. The sinuses, teeth, back, legs, feet, and lately, the crunching in my neck is almost horrendous. But… I’m also coming to terms with the possibility of simply keeling… at some point, here. I’ll just have to be happy with Death, when and where ever. – I’m just relieved that I got all the G’s matter posted to the Internet. Maybe one day, before I DO keel, somebody will appreciate it all and let me know. – Meanwhile, I’m showered. I almost had to force myself. I’m tired… so very tired. I’ve “pulled” twice today and it seems to help a bit. I can only hope. Just did another whilst showering. The “pain” is still with me, but not so bad and not nearly as bad as it had been. I know there’s an infection in my body. I read up on the amoxicilin.. Not sure I should take it. But if I’m still not “cured” tomorrow, I’ll risk it… during the day. We’ll see what happens. The side effects are miserable. But I’m sure I’ll breeze through those too. – Quick check on the soc.med. and try for some sleep. – I went for my last smoke before my shower… Hallie must have heard the door because when I came back into the room, she was in the hall, out-side the door. When I spoke to her, she was SO SO SO HAPPY! Poor little critter… so miserable being alone. She really IS a LOVE. – One note in closing: The absence of Mr. G’s is finally getting to me. VERY HEAVY on the mind and soul. It’s hit that: There is no more G’s and there never will be again. There’s no place to go back to… ever. Life.. is such a curse.

Frii.20.Jan: Mr. G’s Roundhill (Round Hill?) Lodge Gone 1974 – 43 years ago! Inauguration Day too! – 6.47 Coffee. Fire. Loo. Smoke. AND 2 amoxicillin (1000) at about 6.30. Yes, I woke to the pain again this morning. Still on the lower, left jaw. Let’s see what’s to come along today. No particular good, no doubt. But if I don’t try, I won’t know. – It’s rather “warm” out there this morning. Imagine… probably all of about 2° and it feels “comfortable”. It’s nice though, to be in this climate. – The fire is going more to keep the dampness out than the warmth in. – Part of me wants to go back to sleep and part wants to stay awake. But most of me resents being alive. Funny, that, when I think of how Jacquie and I have the same thought in the morning when we wake… a basic “Shit. Another day.” It’s as I say: Those who love life have it taken too soon, and those of us who resent it are doomed to continue. There’s no reason for it. It’s rather like things that drop to the floor when it’s painful to bend down to get them. When we’re fine, things don’t fall. – Well… the pressure on the jaw isn’t blinding (yet). Just an uncomfortable “pressure”. Maybe later I’ll have the opportunity to apply the heat… and watch to see the mew President take the office. – I should have gone 43 years ago. But existence is pain. And here I am. -10.01 Well! THAT was a wasted morning! I dozed… for another 2 hours. Odd “waking” dreams of the bed smouldering and some sort of “monstrous spider-like” critter in my jacket. The antibiotic? I wonder. And now, feeling very much “removed” from me. But MUCH LESS “pressure” on the jaw. It’s been about 3,5 hours since taking the antibiotic. And in a body not use to having such things… This will probably be an interesting sort of day. – 18.31 The only thing I actually got accomplished ALL day today was to bring in the fore-wood and quickly Hoover the floors. Didn’t get to the store. Haven’t had an appetite. At the left-over “Chinese” with some butter-fried rice for “meal”. But still, don’t have an appetite. And even at that, I had to dig away at food in the teeth and pull I don’t DARE leave ANYTHING in ANY teeth at all! – Watched some of the Inaugural ceremony (and cried, with such pride and joy. A NEW YORKER is now THE PRESIDENT!) And Trump is such a delight to watch and listen to. His speech was incredibly wonderful. Of course, media is spinning and twisting it to fit and suit OTHER purposes. And there have been some horrid and violent protests in DC and NYC. This country, this world isn’t worth any effort at all any longer. But, with Trump at the helm, I’m willing to see what’s to come… for as long as my body insists I stay on. – Got a cute message from poor Jacquie who’s surrounded by Liberal idiots who will be marching as some kind of protest tomorrow. But… that’s how it goes. – Right now, the dishes are done, there’s a “scrap” fire going in the stove. it’s warm and comfy in the house and out-side. Nothing like tonight… 43 years ago. – I’m tired again, but not in any particular “pain”. “Discomfort”? Yes. But not “pain”. I think the antibiotics are actually working. Let’s see what happens tomorrow in the morning. – 24.04 In bed. Showered. Just off from checking the fesses-books. Somebody saw a couple of song on the “G’s” page but no responses. Typical. The Fenderbenders will be leaving town tomorrow to get the 2 dogs… I wonder which 2. No doubt, we’ll learn sooner or later. And Ms. Gordo’s been posting photos of the floors where they pulled up the carpeting. What a fucking shame… it couldn’t be done for Lyle… it was, after all, HIS HOME! But, Karma will attend. – Primarily a wasted day, all told. Nothing to say I’ve gotten accomplished. – Oh… BUT AT ABOUT 21.45 AND THROUGH UNTIL ABOUT 23.30 TONIGHT… FUCKING POUNDING UP-STAIRS. THERE ARE 3 CARS OUT BACK SO THERE’ SOMEBODY ELSE THERE TONIGHT. BUT THE NOISE WAS HORRIFIC AGAIN. NO, I SENT NO WORD AND I WON’T BOTHER. I KNOW JACQUIE’S HANGING ONTO THE TRASH FOR THE INCOME.(I’m rather amazed, considering she claims to make such good money at work, plus the 800 monthly and still… so broke… just like Vermonters.) BUT I DREAD THE NEW BRAT UP THERE. IT’S GOING TO BE HELL! MUST RE-POST ON Grounds-keeper TOMORROW AND HOPE WITH ALL THAT IT COMES THROUGH… IMMEDIATELY. I WANT TO GO BACK TO THE HOME STATE! – And speaking of which, I watched a couple of the Inaugural balls this evening and WOW! HOW WONDERFUL to see President Trump and his family! They truly are inspiring! – 43 years ago tonight, at 23.30, the fire department tried to rescue G’s. 43 years ago… and it hurts terribly and deeply to know that it’s completely gone and will never return. I wonder how many of “us” are still alive “out there” and how many have gone… and are dancing tonight… with and amongst the stars. My “life” is SO gone and done and over! Now I lay me down to sleep and fuck the world if I wake in the morning. – Clothes in the dryer. I’ll do jammies tomorrow. For now? I do believe it’s simply time to cut the lights. – The jaw is better tonight. Tomorrow, I’ll take one amoxicillin. I should do so for at least 5 days I imagine. Let’s hope this shit with the PAIN is over, done and gone… for at least a few years. – I wonder how things are going at Edgemont. That’s probably DEAD. Oh well.. there are more postings.

Sat.21.Jan: 7.41 Why I’m awake again is anybody’s guess. And the pressure in the jaw is back. 2 more antibiotics with coffee, and the fire re-started, ‘moke and loo and the laundry’s done. on this grey but rather warm Saturday morning. And I’m ready to go back to sleep, I think. I don’t want to, really. It would “waste” the day. As if there’s something else to do with it. We shall see. – The Fenderbenders are off this morning, to “get our 2 dogs” from PA. It would be better, for me, if they’d stay in PA. But… – And the “pressure” in the jaw increases as the moments pass. Will it ever go away again? Time will tell. Time alone will tell. –
(At 1.01 on Sunday… I’m actually afraid to lie down and go to sleep for fear of the PAIN I’ll wake to later.)
Well.. the BEST news of the day: The *Mr. G’s Juke Box Reconstruction” is at almost 200 tunes now! After fighting against more pain for most of the day, I sat down and down-loaded many more tunes to put on the iPod. Not just the ones I used to play this time… ALL that I can recall. I WISH that somebody else would help out here but I’m sure I’m farther ahead than the CDs I’d made back when. Considering each CD held only about 20 and there were 2 of them. So I’m 160 ahead! The “collection” isn’t complete yet though. I’ve about 40 more to “get”. But I’m rolling here! – On the other side of the day…. I’d filled a watering can that was on the porch, so I could water plants tomorrow and it LEAKED! SOAKED the runner in the kitchen. So I stoked the stove with cedar to a good, hot fire and put the runner by it… and the stove got hot alright. Made some “melt” spots in the runner. Hopefully they won’t be noticed. But WTF? The watering can should have been trashed. Oh well… – Other news.. the stomping went on from about 17.00 until well into Jenine’s show at 21.00. I just checked my “messages”. The “new shit” was born on Wednesday. When I told Jacquie that Hallie had to sleep in the little room last night, the reply: She’ll have to get Hallie a new bed if she’s going to sleep in here! Ah… Ms. Jacquie got a reply saying how common Vermont it is: don’t exercise your rights as home-owner… go inconvenience the dog… like the Glidden-Benders would do. I called it “Pathetic”. I don’t much give a shit what the reply to that will be… and I sent it at about 1.00. – Other than that… showered… didn’t bother washing jammies. Teeth are a bit “sore” tonight and I took another antibiotic at 19.00. Will take another at 7.00 tomorrow. Hopefully they’ll work on the infection… where-ever it may be. – On the last pack of smokes. 10$ for another tomorrow and then…. Going out for one last… and hoping for a pain-free night and wake.

Sun.22.Jan: 8.32 1 antibiotic, 3 vit.C, coffee, loo, plants watered, stove emptied, smoke and dressed. Feeling a bit run-down. Sneezing. Tired. – I don’t remember them in whole, but had odd DREAMS before waking:
Something about conflicts and such. Telling Jacquie that the old man was very good at harbouring ill feelings and saying nothing to my face but much behind my back. Being critical and never saying why or of what. Simply being extremely negatively judgemental and degrading. And she replying, as to deny that she feels such “Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. And something to do with the Subaru being “washed” in a rain an being impressed at how clean the car was from only the rain. The last one had something to do with being in somebody’s house. He (I can’t recall who, but it was somebody I know/knew in the dream) was renovating or repairing the place. He had to step out but had installed a camera or cameras about the place. He claimed that they weren’t for me, but more to keep an eye on the place when he wasn’t there. He had one on a wall in the room being worked and one on his nose. We joked about that one. As we clowned about, I made faces and hand gestures in front of him and then asked “Is that being recorded?” and he laughed and said “Yes. It’s ALL being recorded.” and I thought to myself “I’m not trusted in here and yet I’m being told that I can stay in the house during his absence? What is he looking for?” The alarm sounded… 7.00. I turned it off and dozed until 8.00. – WELL! I wonder what’s going through MY mind that I don’t pay attention to. – And so, Hallie’s out in the yard. Nope, 8.42 she’s just come into the room (I’m on the bed). The morning is grey, very damp, and cool but not cold. I won’t make a fire this morning. No sense in it and there really isn’t all that much fire-wood this time round. What’s there burns quickly and we still have to make it through February. I have to get the kitchen floor done and make a quick trip (imagine that… a “quick” trip) to the store to replace a pack of smokes and some ice cream. I rather dread that, having to pass in front of 5225. But I’ll not put myself out because of “them”. Not in this town where I’ve done more work than they have. – Oh well… another day… and another week commences. How charming. – I feel like SHIT! There’s remnants of the pressure on the jaw this morning. I MUST be clenching terribly in my sleep of late. I just hope that what-ever infection there is in there will be taken care of completely with and by what-ever antibiotics are available. I worry though: if what I have don’t clean it out, it’ll come back… resistant. THEN I’ll be in deepest shit. Oh… just to get away… away… away. – 11.43 Kitchen floor is swept and mopped. The stove is half-assed set-up (Vermont-stye). I didn’t Hoover and don’t truly give a shit any more. – Just back from replacing the pack of smokes in the cup-board. Jada on the register.

***************
“I guess you know they’re back. They had to get rid of Dixie.”
I didn’t bother to ask why. I merely replied “Typical. Faggots.”
“I can’t say that.” said she.
“It’s a new day. Time to call it as it is and stop being ignorant. Low-life, trash, faggots.” I said, calmly, and left.
***************
“… GET RID OF HER.” DISCARD. TOSS ASIDE. NOT EVEN BRING HER BACK TO HER HOME. NO RIGHTS. NO CHOICE. JUST DISCARD LIKE A BIT OF OLD PAPER, REFUSE. WITH EVERY BIT OF WHAT-EVER HEART AND SOUL I HAVE LEFT, WITH EVERY BIT OF ENERGY THAT IS MY BEING, WITH EVERY BREATH I EXHALE FROM HERE AND INTO ETERNITY, I PRAY, SOLEMNLY AND SERIOUSLY, THAT THEY PAY DEARLY, IN EXPONENTS OF MULTIPLE MILLIONS, FOR THE INJUSTICE, THE CRUELTY, THE UNKINDNESS! IF THERE IS A “GOD”, A “BEING”, A “FORCE” AN “ENERGY” THAT ADDRESSES AND REDRESSES SUCH HATEFUL ACTION, MAY IT TAKE IMMEDIATE ACTION, AND CONTINUE ON INTO INFINITY. AND THIS TIME, MAY I BEAR WITNESS. AND MAY THAT SAME “GOD”, “BEING” OR “FORCE”, “ENERGY” GIVE COMFORT, SOLACE AND TRUE LOVE TO THE LITTLE SPIRIT WE’VE KNOWN AS “DIXIE”. MAY THE SOUL OF LYLE ATTEND TO THAT LITTLE BUNDLE OF LIFE AND LIVING THAT WATCHED HIM, CARED FOR AND ABOUT HIM. AND WITH WHAT-EVER ABILITY LYLE’S SPIRIT MAY HAVE, MAY IT BE THAT HIS SOUL WATCH OVER DIXIE, MIND AND LOVE HER AS SHE LOVED HIM… AND MAY HIS SOUL TOO, ADDRESS AND REDRESS THE HATE OF THOSE WHO ABIDE IN *HIS* HOUSE. AND MAY DAISY, WHO LOVED THAT HOUSE SO DEARLY, PARTICIPATE IN THE REDRESS TO THE GREATEST ABILITIES OF HER SOUL. AMEN.
***************

I’m at an “end” here. Just at an end. I’ve been heart-sick wondering what it would be like to see Dixie again. I’ve been heart-sick thinking of her seeing me and I her, and not being able to Love her or even, perhaps, chat with and spend even a moment with her. Well? That’s been taken care of. But now, my heart breaks wondering how they “got rid of” her. No. I’ve NO “love” in any part of my being for ANY of these shits here. I know Jacquie had nothing to do with this AND she even offered to take Dixie in, even to her own hard-ships. But THIS is ALL of what I’ve come to know EVERY BIT of this state to be: SELFISH, SELF-CONSUMED, SELF-SERVING AND UNGRATEFUL FOR ANYTHING. I’m at an “end” here.
***************
11.58 The “work” that I intend to do is done. Now, only a matter of waiting for the return of Jacquie. I probably should eat something, to keep the vit.C and antibiotic “company” but I don’t much want to. I ponder: where to go to, to leave now. I NEED to figure this all out… immediately. I’ll re-write the advert, more along the line of “Save My Soul” and post/re-post. But for now, I NEED to figure out WHERE to go to… and just LEAVE this horror of Hell. I really must. – 24.15 Tired. Hungry. Had only the left-oer tapioca all day. There was steak on the counter but I can’t chew. At about 18.45 Jacquie came to the room to ask if I was hungry. Not at that hour! We had cheese, crackers. I had a tea, she, a few glasses of wine. – Got much of the music for the G’s iPod and much “images”. – Time to put the lights out. – Fuck this day… just fuck it.

Mon.23.Jan: 7.43 Morning routine done. Pain in the jaw. I wonder WTAF this is that’s still causing the pain,m primarily in the one tooth there, closest to the jaw joint, left side. But, another dose of antibiotic. We shall see. – Jacquie’s lost 40$. I don’t like that. Says they had a “new person” at work though. – And another day commences. – Something wrong with all my music work. I have to figure what I did even from the beginning. Me, who tries to keep “life”.. orderly. – On with the over-cast, but not too cold day. – Fuck. – 13.36 Spent most of the morning with Jacquie, on-line, with her Twtr and such, up-dating browser, consulting on taxes and BEING IN PAIN! THAT TOOTH! I wonder if the 3gm vit.C are conflicting with the antibiotic. No ore vit.C until the a/b tx is done. – Now… back to the “Juke Box”! – I’m hungry and there’s been no mention of lunch. Hmmm… But I don’t know what I’d take anyway. – 24.14 JUKEBOX CONVERTED AND VOLUMES ADJUSTED AND ALL THE MUSIC IS DONE! (again) – PAINFUL DAY for the mot part but then I took the 2 naproxyn at about 16.00 and have been fine since. I noticed that the left side of my face is “puffy” when I “pinch” it, compared to the right side so there’s something happening there. – Anyway… it was a really nice day! Had nice lamb chops for dinner with rice and peas. (I can’t CHEW the lamb chops but they were delicious.) TV. – This evening, when I took Hallie out for 21.00 pinkle, Ms. Bobo was out with Sasha. Ms.B. was in shorts only. Hallie noticed the 2 in the yard over there and… ma bark. Oh well… There’s really NOTHING ANY of these shit-bags here can say about me but next door is a differenct situation. – Well… I’m going to celebrate with a smoke… a little soc.med. because I NEED to be UP at 7.00 and then… HOPEFULLY some sleep… – But… there’s MUSIC!

Tue.24.Jan: 2.41 G’s is now a WordPress blog! – 8.25 AND… the rain is falling and on contact with the earth and trees… it’s FREEZING!Jacquie’s in the kitchen, something’s thumping in the dryer and I am… “awake”… again. But I woke with “meeting” teeth this morning. Clenched, but “meeting” as they should. And my sinuses are un-clotting. A bit of “pressure” in the jaw, but not the PAIN of usual mornings. – I heard the 7.00 alarm and the 7.15. alarm and dozed until about 8.10. Oh well… No wonder… lights out at almost 3.00 this morning. I probably should have stayed awake. Hopefully, this 5-hour “nap” will suffice through the day. (Hopefully, this freezing rain will pass so that Jacquie can go to her Lis’s for their “Sea-fest” luncheon.) – And I woke, this morning, to the tune of “I’ll Always Love My Mama” in my head. Doo-doo-doodoo, Ding-da-dingdading. Doo-doo-doodoo. And the front porch of Mr. G’s. (No, even after 43 years, my soul will NOT accept the reality.) – But I’m rather ticked about making the WP blog! If only I still had the photos. Alas… Oh well… they were taken by “the war”… I’ve gone through the battle… but the war rages on. – Let’s just move along, move on, move forward until… – 14.11And The G’s WPblog is up and running. There’s a bit more work I want to put onto and into it, but for right now… IT EXISTS! – The kitchen was, of course, a mess when Jacquie left at about noon, but it “in order” now with dishes drying in the rack. And I’ve got tea-water on the boil. A list of the “juke box” now…. on this icy, grey day. Delightful. – I checked the stove: the usual un-burned paper. Jeez! – Took in some “snews”. Russia. And the fucking Arabs, self-procalimed “Palestinians” and the arguments about “settlements” in Israel and the pending re-location of the U.S. embassy in Jerusalem. Honestly… Arabs. What a fucking pain in the balls. – And so, on that note… I move along. – 22.26 WELL! MR. G’S JUKEBOX (108 TUNES) IS NOW ON THE iPOD… COMPLETE TO-DATE! Funny thing though: I realised that songs released in 1974 couldn’t possibly be on the juke box because it burned on 20 January 1974… the beginning of the year. So some of the songs that I associate with G’s must have been from some other place… NYC? Because THE MAVERICK was already full disco… Rick Astley and such. Oh well. BUT… considering the music and the years… like “Rock The Boat” which I heard at Central Arms in Albany because I was living there, and was released in 1974, that means:
I must have moved to Albany in November 1973 (having graduated out of NFA in February of that year). Stayed at 419 Quail until June of 1974 to go back to Newburgh. So Kingston was between February-October 1973 and Mamaroneck-to-The-Bronx was Winter 1974, The Bronx must have been late Autumn-Early Winter 1974….
Wait:
1973: Winter (February/March?) – Kingston
November – Albany (until June 1974)
1974: June – back to Newburgh
Autumn – Mamaronek
Winter – 232nd Street
1975 – Naples Terrace
and so forth
My entire life revolves around music. And going through all this “Mr.G’s” history is pulling the pieces together. How wonderful! See? G’s helps again! – Anyway, the house has gone quiet. I’ve come in from last smoke. It’s lightly snowing. Tomorrow is a trip to BTV, if weather permits (oh may we have a YUGE blizzard over-night please). – We had a wonderful dinner that included… beets and turnips from… THE GARDEN! Jacquie found them in the fridge! They were wonderful! And mashed potatoes and a burger. Very filling and good, indeed. And for dessert: Pudding Chomeur with a bit of ice cream. JUST MAGNIFICENT! After dinner, Jacquie dozed in the living-room and I came into the little room to finish the “Juke Box” and at about 21.30 she came to say “Good night”. The twat-shit up-stairs was banging over her head but stopped at about 22.00. Oh well… so be it. – (By the way: the new shit is adorable… ever so tiny… “Alex”. How charming.) – And so… soc.med. and to bed. Just in case we DO have to make the trip to BTV tomorrow.

Wed.25.Jan: 16.20 ***** AMAZING! MR. G’s WORDPRESS IS ON GOOGLE! I took the screen-caps for the search and manipulated the entrance to look almost exactly like it used to… no house, no crap, just woods and the dirt road! I’m quite impressed. And it’s the “banner” on the blog! AND there are satellite shots of the region and the property! It truly is rather impressive. Now, to figure how to get the “juke box” on there. Eventually. I’m rather amazed though, that the search engine took the fesses-book page out. That used to be the only one. But now, all of the blog pages come up! PRESENCE! A shame to think that George will probably never know though. Or… maybe he will… ***** – In further news: I woke at almost 8.00 this morning! Dead tired, got up, dressed and such. Jacquie was, of course, already up. But the snow had continued to fall lightly over-night and the temperature was just so that things froze. So when she asked me to go to BTV with her, I bowed-out: Sitting in the truck for hours, not feeling comfortable driving it after all the work and money that’s just gone into it, not trusting the shit-bags of Vermont on the roads. I know she wasn’t too thrilled but… the matter died. She left at about 11.00 and I continued working on the G’s blog for a while. – Round-about noon, I took a break for some tapioca pudding which, this time, was strange: liquid on one side of the dish and solid on the other. Strange but filling and OK. – *** AND ON THE NEWS: TRUMP HAS SIGNED ORDERS TO TAKE FUNDING FROM SANCTUARY CITIES AND START THE BORDER WALL! EVEN THE TWTR CROWD WAS QUITE EXCITED! I don’t really know why I should be so thrilled but it’s nice to live long enough to see this coming to be and for the first time in memory, I’m actually happier to be an “American” and in this country that other. NOW… to get the actual fuck out of Vermont! One step at a time. But what a wonderful bit of news! – At about 14.30 I started to clean the kitchen up, clean out the wood-stove, bring in more fire-wood (it was down to one piece!), and re-stoke the stove, sweep the floor and get the few dishes done. Listening to the “Juke Box” as I worked to check the music, and I can say, thus far, not too bad. Some songs are louder than others, but that was true of the 45s too. Am up to “The Good Foot” and thus far, pleased. – The “day-light” is dwindling and the world is still covered in ice. Before she left, I got the back walk cleared and “salted” for Jacquie so that’s done. And the light is on out there…. Time to finish my tea! – (On Thursday, 26. Jan: 22.48) The rest of the day was primarily spent on working on the G’s blog. I worked on a “.doc” to get the coding on for the music. Learnt that putting the “link” as an “a href” makes it a list but doesn’t pull the video for a “snap-shot”. Got most of them done and at about 17.00 took the left-over rice and peas, tossed them into the microwave and called it “meal”. I wasn’t half through when Jacquie came in and insisted that she cook some fish, cod and salmon, that she’d had in the freezer and had thawed. So… she cooked that, I had half of each which I put in with the remainder of the rice and peas. She had the left-over mashed potatoes and made her-self a salad… and then… at about 19.00, Jes came by for “Pudding Chomeur”. He didn’t even finish it because he’s all into this “diet” and weight loss binge. Honestly… He IS interesting to chat with but… sense… none. But it was a delight to have him to chat with. – When he left, Jacquie and I settled down to watch some snews and at about 21.30, we headed off to sleep… Although me, I finished the listing for G’s blog and… THE MUSIC IS POSTED!!! The only thing now is a little tweak here and there and to keep it active and on the search engines. Mr. G’s Roundhill Lodge is ALIVE again! – It was another “late night/early morning” when I got to lights out… another 1.00 “night”. But I’m relieved that the G’s work is “presentable”! (Now… to Thursday…)

Thu.26. Jan: 22.47 WELL! It looks like I never even finished yesterday! So I’ll get that in and then get to day. – 22.56 Time rushes by too quickly at this hour. I’d wanted to be asleep by now… I mean… ASLEEP! Oh well… – So today… I didn’t actually get out of bed until just after 8.00. Oh well… no big deal. But it had snowed a bit over night so there was a bit of “clean-up” to be done and so, it got done. Jacquie had a “list” of “4 things” that she wanted to get done this morning before leaving for work at 11.00 so I made me rather scarce. She rang “Peter” (her atty about the red house) and asked him if he’d heard anything about the situation. I honestly don’t know what she expects. Hey… she didn’t bother to check (or, as they call it all today: “vet”), just like she did with up-stairs. I understand she needs the rent income but… well… she gets what she deserves (and I’ve told her so, repeatedly… Does it matter? No. Dense…). Anyway… there’s no word on that situation. – At 11.00, I was in the room, looking for a “juke-box” graphic, which I found, for the G’s blog. She came, said she was leaving and left. – I swept the kitchen floor a bit and came back to the room to work the graphic and post it. – At about 17.30 or so, I headed out to the store for smokes… with the 40$ that Jacquie had lost and then found (at work… in another little purse that she leaves there for some reason), and had given me. I’m guessing she won’t be getting smokes now. So off I went… Patty was there. I got my smokes, had a little chat and was walking out the front door into the light snow and saw Jes passing by. He had to tell me that Kerry’s son missed his flight to Thailand or some place like that and that now he’ll have to eat the financial loss of some thousand dollars or such. Oh well… Seems he’s lost his passport before and all sorts of other “Liberal” type things. Alas… oh well… BUT… AS WE WERE CHATTING, THE FENDERBENDER FAGZ CAME STROLLING UP THE RAMP. JES AND I WERE ON THE STREET AND NEITHER OF THEM EVEN ACKNOWLEDGED OUR PRESENCE! TOMES! As I say: Common, trash-fagz. Best though, that they didn’t speak. I’ve nothing “pleasant” to say to or about them both… especially considering the “They had to get rid of Dixie.” bull-shit. Karma… Karma will attend. I’ve no doubt. – So, Jes and I finished chatting and I came back to the house. – Took the little bit of left-over potato and some beets together… microwave… “meal”. (After, I had 2 rolls with honey and butter and one with peanut butter. Not much. Not “food”… but I’m still weighing 175lbs. I wonder.) Had a beer after. – Must have been about 18.30 when I pulled the Hoover to clean the floor in the “little room”. The fucking hose was STUFFED with shit! I changed the bag, slammed and banged and twisted the hose until the shit came out. Swept that up and Hoovered a touch in the kitchen and the little room. Clean… ish… enough. Wood from the garage to keep the stove going against the light snow and dampness. a matter of fact, the stove is burning VERY HOT as I type this. – 21.30… SHOWER! And tonight, that “mole” is almost gone! So I SHOWERED and put more stuff on for the night, checked the fire… doing VERY HOT and well, indeed. – In jammies, went out for last smoke. And now, 23.10, lights are out in the house, all is “calm” and had better stay that way, Hallie’s on the sofa and the day is DONE! AT LAST! – Tomorrow I need to get busy on the re-posts of Grounds-Keeper… can’t let that rest. And aside from that? I don’t know and don’t really care. – I’m to understand that “André” will be here on Tuesday to “jack up” the floor in this room. I can’t imagine HOW, since it’s on the “crawl space” that I “crawled” into to install the plumbing heating wires. There’s precious little space down there. It will be interesting. But there is one point I’ve come to accept and realise that I’ll close with tonight:
*** I don’t begrudge the work I’ve done for others since being here, but I’ve come to accept the reality of the fat… THEY don’t appreciate the work, nor the damage to my own body. So, now, there’s more work to be done, around THIS house now, with jacking up the floor and re-doing the little hall to the loo and this room. Jacquie paid Mark quite well for power-washing and painting the porch. She’ll pay André quite well for his work too. I could certainly do some, if not most of the work, but I will NOT… because… I’ve done work for these ingrates and gotten fucked. So now? I sit back and let things roll as they will. I don’t give a shit and will eventually learn to delight in watching somebody else do the work and watching those who get it done, pay dearly. ***
The end of this day. Soc.med. and sleep. – The antibiotics are finished today. Let’s hope they were enough to “kill” what-ever shit it was that put me into Hell. –

Fri.27.Jan:8.29 Awake ***AND*** MY TEETH ARE “RE-ALIGNED” this morning! Now there’s a first in a long while. – And I rather believe that I slept enough. There’s a little fire in the stove. Hallie’s had her breakfast and I have had my smoke. The morning is “warm”, comparatively speaking. Grey, but warm. – Last night, round about when I retired, one of the twats up-stairs was running their “old” car and this morning it’s gone. I wonder: is the reality of 2 brats too much for Mr. Snowflake-Buttercup and he’s left the Mrs.? Alas. ’tis how they are. (As was my own “father”, as it were, so to speak.) No doubt, we shall hear of it soon enough. – And ’tis another day… Friday. And I wake with no reason or purpose… other than to experience, again, the angst and anxiety of the need: Get the fuck out of and away from here. – Morning. – 21.18 Watching TV, having a “cocktail” (rye-ginger) and the thumping commences up-stairs after a quiet evening. How charming. Nothing to be said… nobody listens, nobody gives a shit. – NOTE!!!! G’S IS ON TWITTER NOW TOO! – 21.20 The thumping commences, Hallie’s on the sofa, and as the noise begins, she starts gagging, gets up and goes into the kitchen! – 21.47 and the thumping continues. – 23.39 SHOWERED. SHAVED. And feeling rather “well” about it. Just in from last smoke, and thinking about the “account’ I’m writing, of “The First Time” ever I went to G’s. I’m rather happy (GOD FORBID!) that it’s out on the Internet now. “You Don’t Own Me” and “Popcorn” playing over and over in my mind. Thoughts of Dennis, in my heart. I wonder if he’s still kicking about. Sweet-heart. – Well… the house is settled. Fire in the stove. And who would believe that I’ve come to this: fire in the stove at night, cold wind coming in from the North, snow on the ground from today’s down-fall, and the dog in the bed-room, in the front of this old brick house… up here. I wonder. They’d never believe it. Oh well… fukkemall. – And as I say, the house has gone nicely silent. – A little browse as the naproxyn settles. This was the FIRST DAY IN OVER A WEEK THAT MY TEETH ALIGNED. MAY IT REMAIN SO. The upper left teeth still let me know that something isn’t completely “right”. But there’s no “pain” tonight. My left sinus is a bit stuffy. Hopefully nothing serious. – Tomorrow I have to look for bath soap, I’m on the last cake from “over there”. – The “mole” on the chest is almost completely gone. It bled again tonight before the shower. But it’s almost gone. I think I’ll leave it alone after this week and see what it “heals” to. – OK. Time to wind down.

Sat.28.Jan: 8.31 and another day commences.. fuck. This morning, it feels as if there’s something in my left ear. Not sure what. Will have to check to see if there’s any peroxide in the house and put a few drops in there. Always something. But it’s another day to … what-ever. And so I shall. – 20.25 Quiet ALL day and NOW starts the pounding on the ceiling. AND the drumming. – 23.45 Cute time. – In bed. SHOWERED. Wash is rinsing. And… I’ve had 2 rye-gingers and am ready to collapse. Fucking shame that I can’t just do that until I damned-well want to wake up. But… Fuck me, I have to do what-ever it takes to get the fuck out of here now. “Try Everything”. I know… it will make life a bit miserable for Hallie. But I can’t… I simply can’t stay here much longer. The place, the people, the politics, the very being here is weighing down on me. Its misery! – 4 months… I can apply for Soc.Sec. God only knows whether I’ll get it. Why should I? The country, the government, the fucking fat lazy fags have taken my “due” for 30 years. But… I can look forward to 2 things: Getting it or getting the letter that says I’m not getting it. I can’t wait! Tah-dah! – MEANwhile… this evening, I found some peroxide and did the drops in the ears thing AND… the NASTIEST CLUMP OF BROWN SHIT CAME OUT OF THE LEFT EAR! It looked more like a dead bug than ear-wax. But it was some sort of wax with something in it. As it sat on the tissue, it bled into the paper… reddish in hue. But… It’s OUT! Hopefully there’s no more in there. I wonder how all that shit gets into the left ear. Maybe because I sleep on the right? I don’t know. But that ear’s been itching and the infection in the teeth and sinuses on that side… maybe getting that shit out will help. – It was a rather wasted sort of day with much on the politics of soc.med. and the news of the fucking “Leftists” causing more shit. I have to develop the attitude of the rather “Right”: They’re in “melt-down” and it’s really nothing worth getting worked-up over. Our annoyance is what they’re feeding on and off of. So? So… – Other-wise, I remembered today, the song “You’re So Vain” from G’s! It’s on the site and the iPod! The “juke-box” is BUILDING! That’s a positive! And I posted a “post” to the G’s blog… moving along here. May it continue. – Had the 2 left-over lamb chops and 3 franks for “meal”. Hallie got the bones and a franks too, along with her dinner. And I finished the vanilla ice cream after. – At about 18.00, I went to the store to replace the rolls, mustard, ketchup, half’n’half, whipped cream but not the ice cream because there’s much more in the freezer. The store was rather empty when I got there and Patty was on. Quick shopping and quick out. NO Faggerbenders! One car was away so the village was safe this evening. – On that, I must add: I see they’ve re-done the floors… sub-flooring and laminate. Gee… I wonder why that couldn’t have been done whilst Lyle (the OWNER) was alive. Seriously? Karma! I PRAY! – 23.57 I hear the washer in the spin. I’ll toss the clothes into the dryer and call it a night. Have to check and see if there’s word about when “Mother” will be returning. Hopefully not TOO early. I need to get the floors done… lightly and quickly but done.

Sun.29.Jan: 9.11 indeed it is… 3 alarms and I just rolled over and went back to snooze. No rush this morning. No more rushing in the morning. – There’s something in the left ear again, this morning. Ah well. If I woke feeling very well, I’d have woken dead. – The fear of dying in this shit-hole, again, this morning. Maybe i just have to resign myself to that. – Well, will get the floors done and a bit of fire-wood into the kitchen. There isn’t all that much remaining. Not my situation. – This state is a depression. – “Things” to do… I started a little “story” about Mum’s death. Tongue-in-cheek, as it were. I’ll see what can be done with that. – Now? I don’t really know the order but I’m going to check the weather and such and get on with the shit du jour. – 11.22 Floors done and what-ever. On the bed, in the little room, waiting for the kitchen floor to dry. And Sunday morning runs into the after-noon and out and away… and as another month runs away… and a page of the new calendar gets tossed. It should’a been me. – Listening to G’s music. – 22.49 MUCH later than I’d hoped to get into bed but… – Jacquie got in about 15.00 or so. Went to some lunch with a nun. Delightful. But she offered to cook a burger and rice for me, since she wasn’t hungry. I declined saying I’d cook something when I got hungry. Turned out, she DID cook a mall pot of rice and I did cook the burger at about 17.30. At any rate, it was “fine”. – I didn’t stack as much wood in the kitchen this week-end because, if I put it there, she seems compelled to burn it and there isn’t all that much left. But I had a bit of a fire going when she came in and all was well enough. – I ate. She talked with Kerry on the phone. The kid paid an extra 700$ to get to Taiwan because of missing the flight. Oh well. But I wonder, and spoke on the matter: There’s a stricter security at the border now, a ban on some 7 Arab countries which Trudeau has stated he will ignore, so I wonder what this means for Ms. Hootieshootie and her “difficulties” crossing into VT… since she’s been “flagged” already. Of course, as it would be, that concern was simply brushed aside. Oh well… we shall see. (Ignorant bunch, this lot.) – And so, we watched the snews a while, had a beer and when I, just some moments ago, decided to get up to come into the little room… that was time for lights out. Jacquie stoked the stove and shut the flue completely (no heat coming up the chimney and into this room…I “adjusted” it accordingly whilst she was in the loo). – André is supposed to be coming on Tuesday. I asked what time. “Morning. Early. Why?” WHY? he’s going to be crawling about under this room. Maybe I should be awake? Never mind. I didn’t bother to explain. – Oh… one more point: the fact that the drive hasn’t been cleared (plowed) was mentioned. Seems she gave Burt 100$ in a “Christmas” card and feels that that was supposed to cover about 5 jobs… but he’s done only about 3 thus far. Oh well… Paying him 20$ to plow? Teaches me: I won’t be shovelling the drive… the way I cut the fagz lawn… and they paid Curtis 20$ for riding about and me? I got tossed… AND RIGHT AFTER MOWING THE FUCKING LAWN! So here… no mowing, no shovelling. I KNOW how it’s going to turn out. And 40$ in two months? Nope… not me… not any more… not again. – And on that note, ’tis time for nightly “wrap”. Soc.med. Perhaps a final smoke in peace (just me… no other responsibilities). Tomorrow is Monday… another fucking week commences. – PS: “Gentleman Groundskeeper” got re-posted this evening. Now for the new bull-shit replies… but it’s been a while since that last posting… Let’s hope.

Mon.30.Jan: 1.21 and another 2am night. I CAN’T SLEEP AT NIGHT ANY MORE! – 8.36 and the morning routine is done. The fucking house stinks of bacon. Conversation has begun and ended. My lower RIGHT jaw has some “pressure”. And I’m sneezing and feel a it of a cold coming on. SHOOT ME NOW. If I had a widdle gun. – 21.44 and the day is done AND *** I WROTE AND POSTED AN ACCOUNT OF MY FIRST VISIT TO MR.G’S! IT’S POSTED TO THE WP BLOG AND LINKED FROM TWTR! IT TOOK *ALL* DAY TO WRITE THE 6 PAGES BUT IT’S DONE AND POSTED AND THERE! IT’S ON THE INTERNET FOR ALL TO SEE AND FOR AS LONG AS THE BLOG STAYS ALIVE! MORE G’S! – As I say, I worked on it all day whilst Jacquie worked on what-ever it was she had to do. Oddly, she didn’t call me for a bit of lunch either. But at almost 18.30 she DID call for dinner. Lemon chicken, peas and sweet potato. And a beer. She’d gone to the store to get more (and I just noticed that I’d left a pack of smokes in the cup-board and was planning on getting another one tomorrow so as to leave one in there and she got another one of those too. WOW! I’m a bit blown away by this. – Anyway, as I say, a quiet day, all told because I spent most of it in the little room. But hey, better than getting into arguments and such. – This evening we briefly discussed what’s to come with the red house come Tuesday. Looks like she’ll be going to court. I don’t want to get involved with that at all. And perhaps, I won’t. – Other than that? COLD! It’s gone COLD again. There isn’t much wood in the garage but I’ve stoked the stove and put a few more pieces into the kitchen. What I’d stacked on the week-end is DOWN already. Oh well… If it comes to necessary, I’ll just crank up the thermostat on the week-ends. No more freezing for me. – Tonight I have to try to get some sleep. I fear tomorrow morning will be EARLY with André banging about in the crawl space and such. I should be awake. But it occurred to me this evening: I don’t get to sleep until I’m absolutely exhausted and there’s precious little choice in the issue. Partly because of pain… Partly because of fear of pain when I wake and partly because… well… I just don’t want to sleep for numerous reasons. Depression, being top of the list. But I “napped” for about 20 minutes today. Hopefully I’ll be OUT BY mid-night tonight. – Soc.med. and out.

Tue.31.Jan: FUCK! The first month of the year is GONE already! – 0.55 and here we go again… late to sleep in the early morning. 5 hours left. – This evening though, I replied to a Tweet on the G’s account and the ATTACKS were brutal from these so-called “LGBTetc” shits! Like stepping on a nest of ground bees. They’re incredibly ignorant, self-absorbed, entitled, repulsive little shits! So there was massive blocking and deleting because I don’t want that shit carrying over to the blog. – Anyway, I’m out for last smoke (I think). It’s going to be a difficult day… today. – 8.31 and I STILL want to go back to sleep! – Dozing last night (this morning) was … I focused on G’s, the dance floor, the grounds. That experience with those little horrors was quite “moving”, to say the least. Like stepping on a nest of ground yellow jackets. Comment to one and 10 come buzzing, stingers at the ready. Fire ants. Just horrific little vermin. No respect. No dignity. SO entitled. And this morning still, it gnaws. No respect for anybody or any thing. Before falling asleep I thought: I survived the beginning of the movement toward acceptance (or at least tolerance), the Hepatitis, AIDS epidemics. I am still here (not “happily” but I am still here). We, of the “Old Guard”, as that young man in Mr. Leather put it so respectfully, years ago, put it, who marched, gathered lawyers, and on paper, fought for the freedom to have places to gather, housing, employment, and are now shat upon, spit at, defiled. It’s put my mind in a completely different set. Like the other youth of today who have no clue of their history, no respect for those who fought for their freedoms to behave like a complete bunch of useless little morons and idiots. No, I’ve no respect for any of today’s “Alphabet Idiots”. They don’t deserve it. And I hope that somebody, in a position of ability, revokes those rights their given today, until such time when they prove themselves deserving. Personally, I’ll give them nothing. I now see them as vicious vermin, that nest of vile hornets. Just sickening. I need to wash the whole experience out, off and away. – Meanwhile, it’s a clear morning. Quite cold. The thermometer on the porch reads 10°F. Jacquie’s all about her routines and such. Wash, dry, shower, &c. – I wonder when André will be arriving and what he’s going to do about jacking the floor. It’s going to be bitter cold in that little crawl space. And the place that needs jacking is quite off into the depths. We shall see… as it is with all things in “life”. – Now, to do the best to maintain peace through the day. Again… we shall see. – How I wish I were else-where… no where. – 21.53 Well indeed, it turned to be a day. – First of all, I can’t find ANY death records on Mum! NONE! I’m trying to find the date of the burial and I can’t find a damned thing! Only ONE record of her death! Not even the cemetery records! It’s as if she didn’t exist and never died! AND, I can’t find the registration of Oma or Opa at the cemetery. The names lists just skip right over them! VERY strange, indeed! WTF? I’m working on the short story about Mum’s “adventures” from Buffalo to New Windsor and… nothing! Well… I’ve found info on G’s, I can find something on Mum… I should think. We shall see. – Now then… discovered a Republican “LGBTshit” group who appear to be Conservative! More-so that the “Log Cabin” group. Very nice communications with that group via Twtr today. – Additionally, a REALLY nice fellow from Canada, some-where,also via Twtr. So that was pretty nice today. – This evening, Jacquie and I got into things about the red house and I “advised” her to stop depending on Peter because it appears he truly doesn’t want to get involved other than… well… kind of like Nancy with the “I’ll send a cheque”…. not DO anything, just one of those “be there” shits. I said that, in my opinion, she, Jacquie, either doesn’t actually care about the situation OR she’s expecting everybody else to do the work. It was an “OK” talk, but I could see that it bothered her because she went rather calm and quiet and a bit sullen after. She TRULY believes that she’s being a good person through all of this and I’m trying to get her to be more “pro-active”, as they call it. THEN she said, in passing, that she’s got only one “witness” to anything and…yep… me. I think she knows that I don’t want to get involved any further, and I do think that it bothers her. Well… I WON’T get any deeper into this shit unless SHE takes responsibility. I’ll help as I can but NOT to my own detriment any more. The weather has gone crisp again and I do need and appreciate a place to sleep IN-side. But… – Closing item: André… never showed, never called. Typical Vermont. And to think, I was concerned about such shit. Oh well… Nothing lost. – Now… mouth full of coconut oil, pulling. Will glean the soc.med…. GLEAN, and HOPEFULY GET TO LIGHTS OUT VERY SOON… BEFORE midnight! – I can’t believe this… the first month of this year is DONE! FUCK! The days go by too swiftly… but my time of breathing drags on and on and on and…. Fuck.