Wed.1.Jul: 8.09 CANADA DAY
Awake. Fuck. Another month. And I’m having the worst time of it this rainy morn. Typing is an effort. I just feel down and drained. Food? Nerves? Anxieties? Another month? Just shit. Such is my “life”. Another… another… another. Still here, in this town, in this house, in this room. In this “life”. And the shit comes crumbling today, no doubt. Well… we’ll muddle through… as usual. – 11.38 Soc.med done. E-mails too. FS posted. And the rain is still falling. A delightful day. Now… to hope for enough gas to get me to where I need to get to today. But now? Nap. – 16.03 BACK FROM BRENDA! FOOD! AND SMOKES! (and 60$ out but…) The rains have stopped. The sun is coming. The house is empty and FOOD! and SMOKES! – 21.10 GAS MONEY AND SAVING CIBC!!!!! JACKIE GAVE ME 50 FOR THE WORK I’VE DONE FOR HER (I see it as an advance… she sees it as a deposit)!!!!! BUT I’M JUST INCREDIBLY AMAZED! AND SO THANKFUL!!!!! I HOPE I HAVE THE TIME TO SAVE THE ACCOUNT TOMORROW!!! ESPECIALLY SINCE NEXT MONTH… IT’S FREE! – And I just got into the house form having had dinner with Jackie and doing a little work round the yard and garden with chicken feed and bales of straw. But mostly, keeping her company… even she said that she’s thankful to me because she doesn’t like eating alone. Ah… and I thanked her for hot meals at a table! We are supporting each-other. “Karma” is being kind to both of us, it would seem. – So I got into the house and all were in bed already. But the damned dogs woke them. Lucky for me to have the key! When I got to the top of the stairs, the freak was standing there and said “I thought they locked you out.” Funny, I heard “They want you out.” and it didn’t have the hammer effect at all. So I said, ever so calmly “Huh?” and he repeated. Oh… then HLS got up and apologised. Nobody knew that I wasn’t here. But the freak said that Dixie kept looking for me so he knew that I wasn’t in the house. Ce ce peut tu? – So I’m having my mint tea (from the yard) and will be getting to sleep soon (I hope… with all this excitement in my spirit right now). – HLS asked if I was going down for a smoke. I’d had one en route here. So I said I might later. He said to call him quietly and he’ll come down too. (I doubt I will though) – Tomorrow… feed the hummies. GET TO CIBC! Get gas! And GARDEN GARDEN GARDEN! Next door and the herb garden! MUCH to be done! (And all for the sake of my own personal satisfaction and peace of soul… and no further benefit… so it’s not completely Altruistic.) –

Thu.2.Jul:
HOME CIBC 1.27 JUST getting back up to bed after another smoke and cake with HLS. Nice chats. My main reason for talking is to see if anything is mentioned about a “shove off”. Nothing tonight. Thankfully. – Now… today… CIBC opens at 10.00 so I don’t have to be too concerned about that and an early morning. But I do have to put at least 20 into the gas tank before (better before, I should think) or… maybe after since I have to get to Hannafrod’s as well. Ah.. and I still have a package of franks and rolls for today and tomorrow (Friday) for dinners. The cookies I bought today are gone. 5 fucking dollars for almost nothing in the package. Fukall. But my belly is FULL for a change… a RELIEF! And so, a quick browse on the fesses-book and to sleep… I hope.- It’s to be a busy and full day of working the soil today. No complaints. – 9.16 LATE START! But yeterday CIBC was closed so that gives me a day. NICE! – Much on the agenda for the rest of the week. And I’m ever so tired. Didn’t get to sleep until about 3.00 this morning! No wonder I didn’t want to get up at 6.30. Hm? Oh well. – Sun shining. A breeze. Could have been a good morning but… the brain isn’t awake yet… even now. And so much to think about. Oh well.. another day. Just… another day. – 13.11 BACK FROM THE RUN!!! 40 IN CIBC!!! ,75 GAS!!! FOOD!!! WHAT A FUCKING DAY! – 19.41 SHOWERED! – The hummingbird feeder is back up in the back yard. The herb garden is done. I cleared a small area behind the “wood-shed/garage” and planted 8 little rows of herbs today. The lawn got mowed in back and front. Not bad for 5 hours of working… manual working. Not bad for the one who contributes nothing to the house-hold. I should say. – BUT.. THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THIS DAY: THE CIBC ACCOUNT IS SAFE!!! THATS NUMBER ONE! AND THERE’S ,75 IN THE GAS TANK! THAT’S A CLOSE NUMBER TWO! I AM SO RELIEVED AND SO OVER-JOYED ABOUT THOSE TWO THINGS! And, of course, that I’ve got FOOD in the place and I had FOUR franks for meal today! Along with the 2 containers of Fage that I had when I got back from errands. – No fucking word from the PO though. Arse-chutes. Really! This is insane. I hope they’re losing so much revenue at the Springs that the service notices and puts the bitch on call for it. Now I wonder how many people applied for the jobs and how many are being considered… over me. Time will tell… of course, time is something I don’t have much of. But it will all come down… eventually. – The politics of the social media is getting on my last nerve. People in this country (in this world!) are just so fucking stupid any more. And now their focus is on the “Gay community”… blaming the Gays for all their troubles. Fuck me! I’m so glad to be this old… Now, if only I could just simply drop dead… soon. – Reminding me: I did that “thing” with the “ribs” or chest or what-ever again today… yes, the left side. I hope it was just “one of those things” and will be gone in the morning. I did it trying to make the herb garden. What I SHOULD do is… next trouble, go to the Emergency and tell them everything. Or… I’ll hold out until I get another out-burst of distemper in the house. – BUT… Dixie and I spent the after-noon out in the yard today… and tomorrow, I plan on doing MORE of the same with her. Sweet heart. The “two” said that she’s been down all week, because I’ve been over a Jackie’s. She misses me when I’m not around… What will she do when I’m gone? I don’t know… I just don’t know. She’ll be neglected and abused… I’m sure. My gut tells me that they hate her because she and I get along so well. They’re a horrid little bunch. But, I know that, just as Karma took care of things for me today… Karma will take care of things for Dixie. If I have anything to say about it… Karma will take excellent care of her. – I’m on the bed already… ready to head off to sleep soon. I might have another smoke before… but I don’t know at the moment. I’m devouring the bag of little Tootsie Rolls I got today. I’m saving the “teas” for the week-end. It’s a “holiday” week-end, this one. Oh…fucking joy. La-dee-fucking-dah. 3 days with this crew… ALL of them! They already went into town and came back with a shit-load of corn. Good… maybe they’ll party. Jackie gave me a ticket to the roast chicken thing on Saturday. So I know what I’m having for dinner that evening. She’ll be there with one of her clients… I’ll be on my own, I suppose. But… maybe it’ll be good to be in a “town function” on my own… I might get to hear (and tell) some stories. Teehee. – 20.44 gnite

Fri.3.Jul: 6.43 WELL! At 20.44 I DID go to sleep! Woke once at about midnight because my legs were cramping from the cold. Peed. Went right back to sleep! THERE! Sleep! Through the night! Ca ce peut tu? – There are items on the list to be done today and I intent to be out of here in about an hour and on with those. And it seems B. has today off. Oh la! Fuck. No prob. I’ve things to do… here and “on the farm”. Things. Oh! And tomorrow. it being “the holiday”, I’ve got the chicken dinner in the evening! THAT should be a hoot getting to. No prob there either. I’ll just wash’n’go. – Oh well… on with yet another day. – Oh.. PS: Yes… my chest does hurt this morning. Always something. It was too perfect a day yesterday NOT to have something go wrong. – And this room is FILTHY again. Needs to be Hoovered. J’m’en câlisse. – 9.00 let the shit of this fucking day commence! – 19.35 IN. SHOWERED! ALONE IN THE HOUSE! EATING! – 22.12 They’re all out back at a fire with some guy named Eric who came to the house with them when they returned from where-ever it was they were… and they returned “bevereaged”. The freak made me sick! – I’m in bed and ready for sleep. It was a rough day. More tomorrow. – (Tomorrow…catch-up here) So… let’s see… the day. Well… It began rather early. About 8.30, if not earlier. I got up, had coffee, smoke, and started to check the weather and such and decided “Get up, Get out. Get going!” And did… the front flower-bed. Weeding… nice weeding. Cleaning the damned thing up. It was fun today. And rather interesting, I must say. Two fellows from HOME came by on their bikes and commented on the Quebec country music I was playing on the iPod. Compliments. And, I got to actually speak French! Ca ce peut tu Then, as I continued, a woman parked in front of the house (from HOME) and in English, complimented me on the music. How nice! I’ve only been out there for what? 2 years now? Nothing ever said before. But… it was nice. Gave cause to smile. – THEN… KARMA came along. B. came out to “chat”, as it will, and said something along the lines of “It looks nice.” and I got the opportunity to say “Not bad for somebody who doesn’t contribute shit to the house-hold.” and that just went the way of the breeze. But I couldn’t help but think “Now you know that I know what kind of shit you say behind my back… fucktard.” Karma. Sometimes we have to wonder. But a note here. I came in for a moment, hot, sticky, sweaty and such and the faggot had the audacity to ask “Can you re-paint the ‘No Parking’ sign?” Oh sure… when fucking Hell freezes over, indeed. You need a new sign? Buy one! – Well, believe it or not, the weeding lasted until 13.00! AND… BELIEVE IT OR NOT… as I weeded out front, Bobo and the freak actually WORKED in the upper part of the “garage”… cleaning it out! Manual labour from the freak! The wonders of the world never cease. Of course… I KNOW why…. isn’t love just grand? (Puke). – I no sooner had the front done, flower-bed AND the gutter.. major clean-up when I was asked to accompany HLS on a trip into St.Albans! Quick to ask, these users. But I agreed. I don’t know why… it’s mostly to see if anybody has the nerve to say anything about anything and especially related to the freak’s out-burst. So, with-out showering or cleaning, into the Saab and along the road. You know? For all the whining about HLS’s driving, the trip went rather well. Not great. There was much road-side hugging and I thought we’d be taking a couple of post boxes, But it was fine. Price Chopper first for those “mixers” for the gin, 10 bottles of Pepsi (on sale, I do believe). Then across to Hannaford’s for one container of “coffee” (light) cream. THEN into Walmart for MORE mixers and TWO 12$ T-shirts! and a bag of treats for the dogs. Blew that after-noon right away. But, I suppose the break did me some good. I probably needed it. – My chest is so sore again… fuck. – When we got back, I had to pass the T-shirts over in secret because “Bob’ll kill me if he knows.” And then “Thank you. I really enjoyed that trip today.” says HLS. Oh… how delightful. (Puke). – While we were gone, Bobo took the hedge trimmer to the roses… After all the work I’d done to CLEAN the front… the roses got trimmed to just about where they might not survivive. HLS gave him a bit of shit because of it. And me? I know that they won’t be blooming again for quite the while. They’re the kind that bloom on “old wood” and there’s precious little of that left now. Oh well… don’t care. Not my circus here. I just remained silent. (There will be time when it can… and will, no doubt, be mentioned.) – AND… I was off to weed the 4 rows of corn! I brought Dixie with me this time, just to spend some time with her out-of doors. She was OK. And the weeding was more strenuous than I’d thought. The pain in the chest made it a bit more difficult, but, I must say, it’s truly a delight to know that the preliminary weeding is done! YAY! – * I couldn’t help but think, as I tended the garden: * As you fill your faces with the fruits/vegetables of my labours, remember who planted and tended them. And if a kernel of corn should go astray and lodge in the throat, ponder Karma. * – I believe I got back here at about 19.00 at that point.. if not a bit after. When the weeding was done, I sat on the swing out back for a bit, with Dixie. She’s such an adorable little side-kick. And yes, indeed, she does rather love it when we’re together. Even if we don’t play and such. She likes the company and being out-of doors. – WELL! When I got back into the house (19.30 or so) it was EMPTY! They’d tidied up and gone OUT! So I BOLTED for the shower! – Clean, I came to the room and had the 4 franks, un-heated, on rolls, and watched a few cuts from “IQ”. My “bookmarks” are gone… fuck this computer shit. But I let the clips run as I ate and enjoyed until they returned…. WITH A LITTLE FRIEND! HOW CHARMING! – AH…. and THEN… THEN… I went down for a smoke, avoiding them for the most part. The freak was already drunk (they’ve blown the month’s income already, how charming for them… faggots… no sense of responsibility… but… not my monkeys here) and when I got into the kitchen I noticed that HLS had had one as well. But the sound of the freak’s voice and the repeating just made me ill. I can’t take that shit! HLS mentioned that they were having a fire and would I like to join. I was exhausted! And for perfectly good reason. So I declined on the grounds of my exhaustion and came up to the room to find… their little “Eric” in the room! Well, again… so much for privacy and respect. There is none in this dump. Their little Eric was polite enough and Bobo says: “I did knock. I didn’t want to go in on you if you were asleep.” You fucking queen. Really. (The room’s a mess… I haven’t Hoovered in WEEKS and there’s grass and such all over and bags and what-not. But I don’t really care.) And so, introductions with/to/from their little Eric and I came in to relax and have a Tea. – They did go out for their “fire”. – At about 22.00 I went for my last smoke, out front, in peace. – It was shortly there-after when the freak came into the house and I put out the lights. Then, moments later, the others came in. I heard them go out the front and bid their little Eric a “safe drive” and “see y’tomorrow” and HLS “so long”. A bit of calling about the house about the back porch light and the place went quite. – Me… my chest is sore again, so there was a LOT of turning to get comfortable for the longest while… Here we go again with this shit! Never any real peace and comfort. – Now… I wonder about this little Eric… I HAVE TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE SOON!!!!! Maybe little Eric can take the place over… and see what these shits are truly made of. Who or what comes after I’m gone is none of my concern… MY concern is getting the fuck out.

Sat.4.Jul: 7.13 I had the alarm set for 8.05 this morning but woke, to the over-cast skies, at about 6.00! I can’t imagine why. I’m still tired after a restless and painful sleep last night. But I’m up and coffeed. – When I went down for my smoke, Bobo was already there (and of course, the freak is awake but in bed). We chatted a bit. He mentioned “You’re going to be here for the cook-out, right?” I said, “I’m supposed to meet Jackie. She had a ticket for some chicken-thing (he hasn’t heard of it… or, so he says) and asked if I’d go.” “Well, that was nice of her to ask you.” says it. When I said I didn’t think there are many in town who talk with her, he mentioned the couple she visits up the road an how he knows of them because of Val and Carly whom, HE says, “used people” because they’d go to other houses to eat, that couple being one and some woman named “Star” over on the Highgate road. Seriously? THEY used people? Fuuuuck! From the mouth of an expert on the matter. I switched the chat to the hummingbird until we came in… – 7.52 I need a snooze… No rush this morning. It’s over-cast. I have to sort through the lumber down at Jackie’s and maybe put the window in on the barn. I should make a wash… but that’s not going to happen today. Oh well… I’ll put the dirty clothes to good use. A few things I’d like to get done today… and as for the chicken dinner? I’m rather afraid I’ll be blowing that ticket away. Sorry Jackie. I’ll cover with a story. The thing runs for 3hours… nobody will know if I was there or not. I just don’t want to be a part of the festivities in this town. Shit-hole that it is. – Well… traffic is picking up out there. The store will be opening soon. And I’m gong to nap for 30 minutes or so. – 9.45 So much for THAT “nap”! And strange dream about a lighter in some heat tha caught fire and a glass jar that got itself into a narrow-neck bottle… I don’t know. Fragments. – Now, to begin the “Wake Up” cycle again. And get the fuck out of this house! – Bobo and the freak went out… shopping… again. Don’t know… won’t ask… don’t care. – 15.20 PAIN PAIN PAIN IN THE RIGHT GROIN GROIN GROIN!!!!! PAIN PAIN PAIN!!!!! I have NO idea what I did but I did it. And it’s PAIN PAIN PAIN! Fuck me! – Anyway… I need to shower but I’m going to eat first. – There was nothing in the trailer over at Jackie’s, save some cabinet doors with little hinges. I got them. I got the window screen for under the lap-top too. – Next… saved the peonies and managed to get rid of some of the rosa rigosa too. Planted one by the wood-pile. They’ll be SO pissed. I’ll be SO giggly. Fukkem. Truly. – The window I wanted to put on the barn is TOO heavy. It’ll take the wall down. So I scratched that idea and instead, made a lovely little tomato garden along the fence, with the potato. Cut more chicken wire and it looks quite delightful. It won’t be maintained, but I don’t give a shit. It looks nice for now. – And for now… I’m having my fave: Chef Boyardee mini pasta shells with meatballs. – After they’re done, I think I’m just going to shower and get into bed. I’ve had enough for this day. – Their Eric arrived about 2 hours ago, all set for a night in the yard by the fire. Bobo offered me a sip of some kind of drink he threw together with all sorts of spices. Nasty, to be honest. I’ll have my Tea later… with some aspirin, I should think. – Sorry Jackie… that 10$ ticket you gave me is going to go to waste. I can’t really walk and I’m not in the mood to dine with anybody from this town. NOBODY! The more I’ve thought about it, the more ill I become. Bad enough I have to be in this house with that freak. No… not going to go over there. I’m not liked in this town and I actually HATE this town. Eat with them? I shouldn’t think so. – Well… that’s that. A browse on the soc.med. and shower and close the day. I’m exhausted. And in PAIN! – 20.14 Well… I showered. Finished my tin of pasta, and the tin of mango and the chocolate pie. Watched a few episodes of “A Bit of Fry and Laurie” and that was it. Finally, it comes to the hour where going to bed is sensible. Sensible only because I MIGHT be able to sleep the night away… through. A “holiday”. Yes, indeed. A “holiday”. Tins of “food” and re-runs. – The rest of the house has been in since they ate… they were finishing the eating as I was showering some hours ago. And it’s been quiet. – There was a touch of thunder earlier. No rain. The forecast is at 40% but the sky doesn’t seem to indicate any in the near future. Hopefully, they’ll be able to have their “fire” this evening. Hopefully, I’ll be able to sleep. – I have a horrid tooth-ache. Upper right, last tooth. Cracked? I don’t really know. But it’s painful. The groin in painful, the chest is painful. Just pain all round this evening. And I’m setting my sights on tomorrow… perhaps a bit more weeding… “real” weeding in the “farm”. Sitting and weeding…. through the day. My “list” of things to do is done. – I’m glad I didn’t make the mistake of going to the “BBQ”. I mean, really: going to get a plate of food that I’d doubtlessly have to consume there, in a group of people from a town that did nothing but give me shit for almost a year… when all I was doing was trying to get them their mail, and making sure their mail went out in a timely fashion. A town that’s judged me because of my place of residence. A town that’s judged me because of my place of origin. Fucking nasty miserably miscreants, discontented malcontents. And I should partake in food? With them? Horrid thought. – I don’t have any munchies for this evening though. And I’m not even really in the mood for my Tea. What a nasty turn. – Well… as I came in from my smoke just now, with Dixie, B. and Erica and the freak were on their way toward doing something. B. is having his smoke. And so… their evening rolls along. How lovely. How charming. I’m just hoping no word from Jackie this evening. And I’ll have to come up with something quite serious along the lines of being asked about the BBQ. But I’ll cross that one when it arrives. Meanwhile… a bit more of the internet and to bed… hopefully… to sleep. – Oh… I did balance the CIBC account though… at long last. I’d have 4 cents left in it before the deposit. They took the monthly fee, so I’ve only 4 cents more than the deposit. Still… it did save the account… RELIEF!

Sun.5.Jul: 2.08 Made it through the “holiday” and can’t believe I’m still awake! And the house was so quiet when Eric left. Quiet all evening. But I’ve got that tooth-ache and chest pain and such. But now… time for sleep. No alarm for the morning. – 9.26 I suppose this was to be expected… awake at 9.00. – Difficult breathing this morning. The pain in the chest and the anxieties of the day. And I think: nobody knows. The pain in the tooth. And nobody knows. Falling apart.. and nobody knows. – Woke from a DREAM: I was sitting on a chair of sorts, naked from a shower. B. was standing close beside me. I was checking my body, as I used to year ago, for blackheads and such, and discovered a LARGE crab louse. “This is the part I don’t look forward to.” I said, as I went to pinch the thing off my leg… after moving a large erection to the side (I had to pee… “morning wood” as they call it) and had at it. But when I removed it, it was more like a “manta ray” or something, about the size of a thumb nail! And when I’d removed it and tossed it to the floor, there were black hairs embedded in my skin. “I need bleach for this.” I though, but didn’t have any. I pondered pulling them out with my fingers… and woke. – Now that’s odd’ Oh well.. I wonder what that foretells of the day. Eh? – Warm this morning. Humid and a bit over-cast. Nothing, really, on the list of things that must be done. And this week coming, the room at Jackie’s needs to be finished with the cleaning part. Then she’ll want to paint. But in the meantime… nothing pressing. I should get something to eat for the week, I suppose. But that’s food… it can wait. – This Journal is on page 13 already. I’ve not posted to the on-line since June something-or-another. Oh well… – Let’s see what we can salvage… what we can drag through this day. – July already… soon, August… and the warm weather will be drifting away… drifting away… and me too. – Thought: When you sit to table to eat the bounty of the garden, remember whose toils produced your nourishment, remember whose sweat is in the soil. And should a kernel of corn or a leaf of lettuce pass the wrong way and block your breath, remember… Karma. – Another morning… another day. – 10.17 Finally up-dated the on-line and put in July’s page! this thing is getting HUGE! But… I should work on cleaning others and linking them all. Eventually… Eventually…. – 17.36 Back in the pit. Having a vanilla Coke and an Iggy! Ice cream! YAY! – Today, this morning-to-afternoon, I got to the garden and manually weeded a row of squash and 2 rows of corn. Jackie came home and took me in for “lunch”. She’d gotten an extra dinner from the BBQ yesterday and shared. Half a chicken and some nice salads and a roll! I had ,25 chicken and the salads. She finished one she’d already started. It was a delight to eat, since all I have left is one tin of pasta. But I feel rather guilty, eating her food. (After all… I don’t want to get the reputation that Val has round THIS place: “I think she used people. She used to go to a house on the Square rd. all the time to eat there.” says B.) Fukkit! – After we ate, Jackie wanted to take Hallie to the lake to go swimming so off we went to Carmi. It was a nice hour there and Hallie luvz the water! I kept thinking that Dixie would probably adore it too. I have to find a rope and figure a way to get her over there. But then, if I do that… she’ll never go again once I’m gone from here. Is it fair? I wonder. – So, when we got back to the pit, I gathered tools and came in for the last of the soda. I was THIRSTY! Decided to go to the store for the ice cream and soda and some Little Debbies for tonight. Ah… Karma rolls in again! The gal who usually sees me in the yard, working, was on. She asked me “Are you the only one in that house who does the yard-work?” I smirked and nodded. “Do they appreciate it?” I simply said “Are you kidding? No.” So I got to tell her about being called a “dick”… and she knew immediately that it was B.! Then I told her about the freak telling me that they’d be better off if I’d go back to NYC and to a Homeless Shelter. She looked disgusted with that and asked “Who’d do all the work around there if you did?” and we both agreed… Nobody. So I simply told her “It feels good here” (as I pointed to my own heart). She asked what I was listening to the other evening. “You were rockin’! You and your dog. Well, not ‘your’ dog.” I said “I’m her people.” and we smiled. But I have to smile when I think: another one in town knows who does the work around this house. And now somebody knows what kind of shit I get for it. So… Apparently, nobody’s surprised. They all know… so the time will come… not as long as I’m here… but the time will come. Karma. And the freak got into the chat today too. So… Somebody knows and I’m settled with that. – 19.54 (almost eh?) Just up from giving the herbs a bit of a watering. I figured they need it to get started and there’s no rain in the forecast. Oh well…. – This room… THIS ROOM STINKS! Sweat. Dirty clothes. Dirty me. Flatulence. Just stinks! Horrid! And I’ve only a schpritz of Febreeze left and I will NOT buy anything more! Oh well… that’s what happens when people “work the land”. – Apparently I’m on some kind of shit list of late. Oh, B. asked how the BBQ was yesterday. I told him… I decided not to go to spend time with a town full of people who’ve hated me because all I did was try to get them their mail. That just flew about the room. Died. So well. And it appears the freak’s not speaking to me… good. I spoke. Nicely. Fuck off. – I need a shower now more than ever before. Dirty from sitting in the soil weeding, and the dog at the lake an the watering… the hose turns the hands black. But… it doesn’t appear that that will be coming along too soon. The house is gone to bed. Ca ce peut tu? I should just go anyway. After all… I’m getting filthy for THEIR food. Not that that makes any difference to them. Nothing makes any difference to the “Entitled”. Ah… that I be out and away… promptly!
NOTE: The garden next door is approximately 65×50 feet. Each row is approximately 65ft long.
It was also mentioned that the tomato transplants have been noticed NOT, mind anybody, that it’s appreciated. NOT, mind anybody, that thanks were given. But then… such is the life of the “Entitled”. My day will come. My “moments” are coming… my day will follow… one way or another. – It’s 20.12…. I guess I’ll hit the shower in another 20 minutes or so. – 21.44 At 21.30 I went to THE SHOWER and am already up from a smoke and in the bed in the heat and humidity in this room. Miserable night, this one. I wonder if I dare turn the fan on. – I have done. I’ll hear about it… but what the fuck? I hear about everything anyway. But I just can’t take the heat. And I worked the garden shirtless today so I’m a touch “sunned” as well. Oh well… On with it then. – Mama? HELP get me out of here! Please? –

Mon.6.Jul: 1.18 JUST getting to lights out. 5 hours to wake-up time and laundry. Interesting day ahead, I see. FATIGUE AND EXHAUSTION AGAIN! – 6.49 And yup. About 5 hours. But the wash is in and running. And the sun is coming through the morning mist. And I’m quite tired, still. Moments left on the washer. Then clothes on the line and the day will begin… Another day… of anxieties to be worked out of the system. Another day. Oh what a thrill. – I’m in no mood for another day. And some-how, I have to get too much done. Why? Well… Why… indeed. – And this piece of shit computer is acting on it’s own this morning with all sorts of shit happening. Not to mention, my typing is going wrong with all sorts of transpositions and typos. Another day… indeed. – 20.25 Showered and in bed. – NOTE du jour… When I came back to the house this evening, after a day in the garden next door and in the room (which is looking rather OK… there’s a floor to be seen, at last)… Jacquie and I walked past the front of the house to find daisies and black-eyed susans and a lilly plucked and tossed on the pavement! Well then.. to be expected in this town… BUT… when I came INTO the house to find Bobo and the freak in the kitchen fixing blender drinks, I asked if he’d (Bobo) seen the flowers on the pavement… and… HE DID! HE HAD! BUT… HE WOULDN’T BOTHER TO PICK THEM UP! WELL THEN! After I weeded a bit of the back flower bed (because I really didn’t want to come into the house just yet), I’d strolled over to the store for a soda, some ice cream and licorice for now… and Deb asked “Are you still next door?” I asked “Why do you ask?” She said she’s noticed my car parked all the way down the road and was wondering. “If I park in front of the house, it causes an inconvenience.” I said, calmly. And.. it was pretty much left at that. So… there. The “rumours” will get around town. I doubt anybody in the house will confront me. And if they do? COURT! Plain and simple. I believe the reason the freak isn’t speaking to me is because it’s probably been advised not to. Good. Fine. COURT! – So, I dropped by the Fuklin PO today to chat with Rachel. Seems there are 6 applicants for the Highgate Springs office but they don’t know ANYTHING about Sheldon! Rachel will be going on holiday for a week next month and they’ve no coverage as it is! Rachel’s covering all 5 offices, pulling over 50 hours/week! And me? I would have gotten 15? Right. Well then, seems Cindy is fucking about with the “contract hours” and the clerks are being paid the hours they SHOULD be working and are not. It’s all going delightfully to Hell. – And then, on the personal front… the PAIN in my right groin was GOD-AWFUL today as I tried to finish weeding the last 2 rows of corn (before Vaughn came this evening to till between… WOW! it looks GREAT over there!). AND, as I worked in the room this afternoon… the PAIN in my left chest all but knocked me out! There’s something quite terribly wrong going on. Cancer? Lung? Testicular? Cancer? MAYBE, if it gets worse, I MIGHT go for some x-rays. Or… if it gets REALLY worse… BDM time! Goodbye, farewelll, auf wiedersehen, adieu. – Must laugh a bit. This evening I said to Jacquie that no matter what, I MUST be out of this house before the harvest. Even if I have to pitch a tent in the woods. She said “I have a tent. Tomorrow you’ll have to take a look at it. It’s in the other room.” When I said, calmly but some-what comically that I HAD to get out of this house, she said, quite seriously “You can move in over here!” I some-how think that’s what she’s hoping for anyway. But… the room’s too small and entirely too dark. I’d be out of my mind in no time at all! But… this evening, the thought came to me: I don’t much like this the way it’s going… there’s a room being prepared for move-in and it’s been offered to me… NOW I wonder: When is the “toss-out” coming from these fagz? I’m not fond of the idea of staying in this town… but… if (when?) it comes to going to court… it’s nice to know that there’s a place to get to. So… I let that ride… for the moment. – Meanwhile… 20.43 and of course the freak and such are heading off to bed. I managed to get a wash in this morning… and Jacquie gave me some shirts and socks today! But this morning, I got the clothes on the line and they were just a bit too damp to wear when I was getting ready to leave at about 11.15, so, with the freak standing in the kitchen, I tossed them into the dryer, came up to the loo to shit and brush my teeth and went down, brought the clothes up, got dressed and headed out the door. I can’t WAIT to hear the fall-out from using the dryer! And… I don’t doubt, it will come. – Humid in the room again tonight. Later, I’ll put the fan on… before going to sleep… after putting the gate across the door. I don’t trust ANY of them… No… come to think of it, not even HLS at this juncture. – Oh well. – Repeating: flowers picked and dropped on the pavement. Bobo sees them and leaves them. I’m half tempted to go out there and pluck the whole damned bunch and leave them scattered all over the place. (When I have the opportunity… when I have the opportunity.) – Meanwhile… I wonder what these pains are from.

Tue.7.Jul: 6.30 Woke to the over-cast, warm and humid morning, with the 6.00 alarm with serious thoughts of death this morning. The PAIN in the chest is rather brutal this morning. Can’t cough to clear the morning congestion. And the PAIN in the groin is a concern. Not here, but a concern. Thoughts of where to go to die and how. Good morning. Indeed. And the house is awake and about. I went out for a smoke and Dixie decided to bark at something out front. When we came in, the freak was in the kitchen. “I though Bob left her out.” all smiles. Even HLS was smiles. I wonder. Smiles? Something up here? I don’t know. – Meanwhile. coffee’s had. And if I’d wanted to wash the clothes from Jacquie, I can’t. Alas. I shaln’t this morn. – There’s a bit of a storm in the forecast for 14-15.00 today. Rain… that’s nice. There are crops and such that need. I hope the rains do come. – There’s a container of what we think is Round-Up… over in the room… or on the porch. I’m pondering… enough to take out gardens, flower beds… I’m pondering. But you know? Better to leave the “legacy”… a little something to remind… I made it to Vermont… I made it to New England… I made it back to the North Country… leave a clean room at Jacquie’s… leave the flowers… in this hateful town. You give me shit… I leave you flowers. – On with the day. 3 more hours until back to labour. – WHERE THE FUCK IS THE PO? WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING? And PLEASE do NOT tell me that I have to under-go any sort of medical exam! Pee in a jar, OK. But nothing more! – 8.30 This computer and this site are fucking up royallly this monirng. Omn? – Anyway, I just finished this composite and I want to inclue it here. Last year’s work, but something I’m so quite proud of, and duely-so (if that’s a proper term). The History of the Back Barn:

And there we have it. – Now… on to anther coffee before I have to bolt for the door. Odd… I don’t know HOW the fuck these fagz can say anything against me. I’m almost never here, always working at something, one shower, one shit and I don’t take anything from the house… and yet… I give so fucking much. Ah… all the more reason to welcome DEATH. – 22.43 Just up from a smoke and a “Granny Smith Apple” Redd’s ale with HLS! Ca ce peut tu?
Notes on the day:
*** INVITE TO INTERVIEW FROM THE PO. NEXT WEDNESDAY. 11.00 WITH DAN AGAIN. BUT FOR HIGHGATE SPRINGS. I WONDER IF THIS ISN’T SOME KIND OF RETALIATION. WE SHALL SEE. THIRD INTERVIEW WITH DAN. THIS SHOULD BE RATHER FUN, I MIGHT THINK. ***
VERY PAINFUL IN THE CHEST AND GROIN for most of the day. I wonder what the actual fuck the chest pain is. And now, the groin? I’m really falling apart here. – But the day was full of things to be done. The room at Jacquie’s is coming along quite amazingly! It’s rather dusty, but it’s cleaning out quite nicely. I have to say, I do good work on such things and I’m pleased. It’s taking longer than I’d expected. But Jacquie isn’t complaining. So I suppose I’m doing well. – At the “lunch break”, her friend Carrie came round for a tea. She’s from Ottawa! This is the woman from up the road whom Val knew and B. said he and L. had had dinner with at some point. Nice enough. Rather on the removed side though. She does rather well up there, teaching English as a second language and actually gets paid to help people lose their accents! To think I could be doing that! Something to ponder, I suppose. (As if I have that much time left where it would make a difference in my life. HAH! Again… just barely to late. Me… fucked.) So Jacquie and I had pasta salad with the chicken. Food. Sitting at table. How “human”. Nice. – After lunch we got to fertilise the corn. Her fellow “Adam” came round to give her money on the sale of the chain saws. 50 for one and 300 for the other! How nice! But the shocker: we had dinner… franks, beans and RADISHES FROM THE GARDEN! WOW! SO SOON! AND JACQUIE HANDED ME A 50! OMG! OK. So it’s not a week-end in Tahiti. But the timing is perfect because I’ll need gas for the interview and to get back to to work! I wonder, sometimes. And I think of Em: “Did you ever notice how we get only exactly what we need and no more?” Yup. – The one thing that I’m aware of though: Jacquie is doing what she can to monopolise my time. I have to be careful. There are things I need to do and when I mention them, it’s ignored. So, I’ll just have to grab the time I need when I need it. Not to be nasty, but there are things I need to do… get coffee and such, for one. And perhaps get the extra money into the banque? I should think. – Before leaving today, she gave me more shits too. Funny, I appreciate them but I’ve so many already packed away. I really don’t NEED more clothes. I don’t NEED much of anything any more. With this pain in the chest, I doubt I’ll be hanging about much longer. (Shit! At this rate, I don’t see Winter this year.) – So this evening, we got to sit on the front porch for a while and watch the chickens roost in the pine tree in front of the house. I was going to cut the dead limbs off of it, and so too, somebody else wanted to, but that’s where the chickens sleep at night. Jacquie said they spent the Winter nights in the tree… even in temps of minus 30! Poor little things. – There’s much more to be done the coming week and week-end. Irises to be planted at the house, the radishes need to be thinned, and there’s weedeing to be done. A busy “future”… HAH! “Future”. – When I got into the pit this evening, had a bit of light chat with B&L. I told them about the interview and about the radishes and crops. They’re delighted about both… just a bit, nothing woohoo. I told them about my chat with Rachel and her disgust. And then… went to shower. As I was on my way to the loo, it needed to pee.. before I showered, but it was kind enough to say so politely. Something in this house is WRONG… terribly WRONG… they’re all being too nice. – Anyway… – 22.49. I’ve got the fan on and it’s so HUMID in the room and the moving air is HOT. There’s a nice breeze outside tonight but it’s really HUMID. – And on that note, off to browse a bit on the soc.med and then…hopefully to sleep… hopefully. – One more day behind me… Hoepfully not too many more to go.

Wed.8.Jul: 8.11 Slept through the 6.45 alarm. Woke with much gas, head-ache and pain in the chest. NOT feeling at all well this morning. But it rained last night, and I’m glad for the crops and the gardens today. – Hot. Humid. At least in the room. Out-side, it’s not so hot, but still… Summer’s here. In fact. – 21.01 Another rther delightful day ending with… here. – Got to Jacquie’s at about 10.30 and she put perked coffee on! SO GOOD! Nice and freshly brewed, hot coffee! WONDERFUL! THEN she made a short stack of buckwheat pancakes for us with maple syrup! Ca ce peut tu? I wasn’t hungry, in fact, my stomach was rolling this morning and I even had to use her loo today. But it was delish as well! – Then it was on to the room. ALMOST DONE in the front room! I pulled the books. I pulled the art paper (which I now have), I pulled and pulled things and dusted. When I got to the shelt, if was FILTHY and Jacquie told me it hasn’t been cleaned in about 20 years! Well.. it’s clean now! Empty too. And the books… well.. they’re almost all put up on the shelf in some order so that she can glean and toss. – Today she even mentioned that, if I have laundry, I should feel free to bring it over there. She’s really trying to talk me into moving in over there. The rooms are so DARK though! And, she’s planning a trip the week of 17 Aug. and has already asked that, if I’m still around, would I mind Hallie. So… it’s getting to “that” point. Me? Not planning on it. And hoping with heart and soul NOT to be anywhere near “friggin Franklin” (as even SHE calls it). – And so, the entire day was in the room cleaning. Then… at about 16.30, out to the garden to harvest more radishes. We went in, had a burger and pasta salad and a beer after than. I helped her a bit with her e-mails and when she went to walk Hallie, I got into the car and headed off to …. RICHFORD! – It took all to do to stay awake as I drove. So tired of late. I swear there’s something happening in my body. But, when I got to the market… BRENDA was there! So I got my smokes and some noshes and bread (which I should have waited for but…) Another 31FS. But I’ve got 2 smokes now so that’s good and 2 Teas for the week-end. Nice. I left when she got really busy… poor woman… always there and always working for that family. – SO… I get back to the house, I put the chicken wire under the back gallery to keep the dogs and critters out and when I went to come into the house.. LOCKED! 20.15 or so. Good thing I have a key! I came in, came up to the room. L. is on the bed browsing on his phone. I headed for the SHOWER! Brushed my teeth, did a shitty shave (need a new razor) and a nice but quick shower. Took m’Dixie down for a ‘moke and here I am. – Tomorrow, I have to be at Jacquie’s by 9.00. We have to go to Georgia to get the tyres swapped and to take photos of the truck she’s trying to sell. Then she’s got some plan to go some-where after. But she has to leave for work by 16.00 so… no dinner there tomorrow. I’ll have to get her to stop at Hannaford’s for me whilst we’re on the road. Other-wise… it’s me on the road again. – OH OH OH !!! It poured last night! YAY! Water for the garden! AND… I noticed that the ferns out back are sprouting NEW! Hey! I’m happy about that! – And, I brought a bag of radishes back for “them”. Annoys me, but as Jacquie says: better WE should harvest than them because they don’t know veggies from weeds (retards). And a bottle of “Blue Agave” sweetener for HLS that was for Cecil but he never opened it. Even as I work over there, THEY benefit… Fuck me! – So, 21.16 and time to check the soc.med. and try for a nap. It’s miserably hot in here again tonight. I’ll put the fan on and go to bed soon. – It was a nice day. I must say.

Thu.9.Jul: 6.33 PAIN in the chest and I woke just before the alarm this morn… drooling on the pillow. Hmmm… Oh well. I’m awake. The sun is trying to shine through a morning haze, but it’s not hot, nor humid. Thankfully. – The hose phone rang at about 5.55 this morning. Curious. None of my business… I should hope. – But… I’m awake. – 17.29 Cold franks for dinner again as I wait for some kind of attack. – 11 tonnes of pellets got delivered today whilst I was at Jacquie’s. The freak had the company drop them directly in front of the door… So… can’t access the garage. – Meanwhile, I spent the morning with Jacquie, getting tyres swapped from the truck to the car. 9.00 to almost noon for that. We had tuna sandwiches for lunch and weeded a bit and thinned radishes for lunch. – She left at 16.00 and I headed on down to Hannaford’s for food for me (hence, the franks). I got 4 packets of flower seeds (51cents) for the front. We’ll have to wait and see if they grow. I put them in before coming into the house. – AH… coming into the house… the freak was in the kitchen, putting something up in bags and looking rather pissed about something. When I asked where everybody was, it snapped: Out buying a new car. WHAT? They decided today to get a new car… got rid of both the Juke and the Saab. WELL! OK then. Must be nice to be able to do such a thing… suddenly. But I said nothing and prepared for ALL sorts of “talks” – 21.19 and I’m on the bed, HLS is down-stairs with the “muchies”. There was no “talk”… instead to my complete shock, I was chatting with B&L about the new car and L. came and handed me an apple ale! – Well then… about the car. L. has decided that driving is no longer in his best interest. (B. told me that he’d had 2 slight accidents recently in parking lots. No doubt, that shit came from the freak… fucking piece of shit.) But L. told me that driving is making him nervous these days, that his mind is functioning well enough to deal with all the shits out on the road (as i put it) and he’s decided that having 2 cars, 2 insurance payments, 2 registrations, 2 inspections and 2 gas tanks to fill is just not necessary. So they took the two cars in, traded and got a new Rev4. It’s 7 years old but it looks fresh off the line! Really a nice car! And all the bells and whistles… heated seats, great sound, GPS and the works. I don’t know how much but they got it from a Handy sooo…. And they cut their car payments down by “about 100$” too. How nice! Honestly? I hope the car brings much happiness. But how terrible that L. should get to the point where he’s decided not to drive any longer. Hey… it won’t be long until I do likewise… of course, when I get there… I won’t be walking… or breathing any longer either. (Shit… the only think keeping me going these days is the promise to Jacquie to help with those rooms and the garden. Other-wise…) – And so, I got to sit in the car whilst L. pfutzed with the sound. B&L and I chatted about the car and such and, well… the evening rolled along quite nicely. – Later, L. and I went out for a smoke and chatted about planting, and gardening and farming and such. Quite lovely. – Poor Dixie though.. apparent;y she’s been quite depressed because of my absence these days. I have to bring her with me more often… well… the week-end is here and I’ll be in the garden alone.. with her. – 21.30 and the 2 franks are trying to return. Angus this time again. But they’re not to be eaten cols. I’ve learnt. – A bit of soc.med. and I’m off to sleep. I’m quite tired! And tomorrow will be quite the day of weeding!

Fri.10.Jul: 6.33 and the whites are in the wash in javel. The sun is trying to burn off the mist of the skies. The house is quiet and my chest is PAINFUL this morning. So too… my head. Indeed… falling apart time this morning. And a day in the sun to follow.. weeding radishes and carrots. Much on the agenda. And I don’t know why I’m awake. One day… one day… one day… – (On Sat.11: 8.19) WELL WELL WELL!!! 10 TONNES OF PELLETS AND… DURING THE COURSE OF THE DAY… THE FREAK MOVED ABOUT 5 TONNES INTO THE GARAGE!!! OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT THAT WAS ALL ABOUT… FIRST OF ALL, IT WAS BECAUSE “I” WAS ASKED TO HELP B. AND WE KNOW THAT *THAT* DIDN’T GO OVER VERY WELL. AND, NO DOUBT, IT WAS TO PROVE A POINT… IN ADDITION TO MAKING IT SO THAT I CAN’T SAY ANYTHING MORE ABOUT MOVING PELLETS FOR *THEM*. BUT, I’M NOT COMPLAINING. I GET NO BENEFIT FROM THE PELLETS, SO… FUKU. THERE! AND, WHEN B. GOT BACK FROM WORK THIS EVENING, *HE* MOVED ANOTHER 3 TONNES WITH THE HELP OF HIS LITTLE GNOME. SO THE 8 TONNES WENT INTO THE GARAGE AND I DIDN’T LIFE A FINGER… NOR DID I OFFER TO HELP. BUT I GOT TO WATCH THIS EVENING. AND THAT’S WHAT I DID… WATCH. Now we get to see what kind of comments will come along, and I know there will be comments. OH! Just get me the fuck out of this place… SOON, QUICKLY and QUIETLY. – Other than that… By about 10.00 I was up and out the door and off to the “farm” next door to get to the weeding. Shirtless, so to get some sun on this old body. And it was a sunny day, indeed! No music today, just work. About 5 pails of weeds and dirt went over to the much in the back yard here. Hauled by hand. My chest is still ever so sore, but I managed to get it all done. No breaks to speak of, save one, for a quick mug of tonic and back to work It does look much nicer now, And more radishes came into the house. Not “dressed”, but “they” got more out of the garden. – At one point, I came in to get m’Dixie out as well. Poor little thing, all trapped in this place. And we went for a romp down back where… MORE BLACK-EYED SUSANS! TWO NICE CLUMPS THAT GOT DUG UP AND PUT OUT FRONT!!! THEY LOOK EVER SO NICE! This place will look ever so pretty when I’m gone… and let “them” remember who put the effort into the place… not that it’ll make any difference to any of them… nor to anybody in this friggin town. But you know? It DOES look quite pretty now and if these new groups of flowers take, it’s going to be MAGNIFICENT next season. I’m THAT GOOD! (Must take a photo or two to include here and post on the soc.med.) – Well, as it ran, it took me until about 17.00 to get all the weeding and planting and cleaning done. A FULL DAY! In the sun. And yes indeed, the upper body is “brownish”. I haven’t had colour there since leaving NYC! – I came in, B. was working on something with the new car so I got to SHOWER! OK! SHOWER! Had my 2 franks and some puddings for “meal” and went out to watch B. and the freak move more pellets, standing beside HLS as I did and chatting. I’d showered and dressed so I didn’t even offer to lend a hand. There are 2 tonnes left now. B. says he’ll get to them in the morning. They’re all supposed to be going to visit “a friend” in Newport tomorrow and B. says he’ll do them before leaving. Truth? I’m not moving shit around here. First of all, with the PAIN in my chest and leg, I don’t thing I can and second of all… I don’t want to any more. They’ll be eating well enough from my labours so… fukkall. – Came back in, must have been round about 21.00, had my 2 Teas with a bit of soc.med. – Politics has gotten miserable of late. This week the focus is on the “Rebel Flag”. One that had been flying for over 30 years down South was removed… and with it, the pole and such! Honestly! I’m at the end of my own patience with the way the country is going. Thankfully I don’t have to deal with the Blacks any longer. I’m just fed up. To think that in the 60’s and 70’s I was all for the “Equality” movement! But time proves people… The Blacks have become nothing more than parasites, the Whites have become obtuse and brain-dead whiners… People, in general have become little more than an annoyance. And I’m a dying breed of people who give a shit. And I’m fed up with giving a shit. As I keep saying: It’s a good time to be “old” and ready to die. I want NO part of what’s to come. 60 years… It’s time I put priorities in place and took some advantage to those 60 years… time to say “NO more”. And, from the way things are going… “NO MORE” is how I’m starting to be. I’ll be called “a dick” and other such things, but the truth and fact remain… FUCK YOU! I’ve given… to the point where I’ve nothing left to give… not even a shit. – And the day wrapped up just about mid-night tonight. Tomorrow is another day and if they DO go away, I’ll get the room Hoovered at last, get some work done on the rust on the Subaru and who knows what else I’ll accomplish? Fucking shame that I have to buzz about in one day… I should be allowed and able to take my time. – Next week… I’ll pull in the reins on the “room work” too. I need to take time for the things *I* need… like a haircut and to get to the banque and such. So… here’s to the week-end and “ME”. – Day done. Flowers planted. Food garden attended. I did good with this day too.

Sat.11.Jul: 8.19 Up and back from smoke. AND WHAT TO MY WONDERING EYES SHOULD APPEAR? BUT THE 2 TONNES OF PELLETS ARE ALREADY IN THE GARAGE! THEY’RE *ALL* MOVED INTO THE GARAGE! AND I DIDN’T TOUCH EVEN ONE BAG!!! I’M SHOCKED! SOMEBODY DID SOME OF THEIR OWN WORK AROUND HERE FOR A CHANGE! And yes, I expect to hear about it. Oh well. The nicest thing is: this entire town knows who’s done the bulk of the work round this place… so let the talk begin. JUST GET ME THE FUCK OUT AND AWAY!!!! NOW!!!!! (With the way my life goes, I wonder if I’m not going to find myself in those dark little rooms down the road… not because I want to be there but… Well… if that does turn out to be the case… COURTS! I’m old, not much time left… Going out with a BAAADAHHBOOM! – Sun’s up and shining. Warm in the room. 8.49 and hopefully they’ll all soon be up and on the road and I can get to “my” day. This room needs Hoovering, the car needs some paint, the transplants need some water (I’m pondering Miracle Grow as well since there’s so much of it in the barn). There’s work to be done at the King’s-stead. I’ve got a busy day, if I work it along. We shall see. – The PAIN REPORT: BAD IN THE LEFT LUNG and waiting for the right groin to wake and remember to try to bring me down. – and I need to get the fuck out of the bed! Onward! – 16.07 HAIRCUT!!!!! AND CAR PAINTED!!!!! AND THE FLOOR MATS WASHED!!!! CE CE PEUT TU? YOUPPIE!!!! YEAH!!!! – 20.12 On a CLEAN bed, in CLEAN shorts waiting for the CLEAN work clothes on the line. Me? CLEAN! SHOWERED. HAIR CUT. BEARD TRIMMED. TOE NAILS CLIPPED. Finger nails filed.TEETH BRUSHED. And back from a run to Mayhew’s… a very quick run to Mayhew’s. 2 Teas, I had a small container of ice cream, sitting at the picnic table out back when I returned and after hanging the clothes on the line (which washed whilst I went to Richford). Had m’Dixie on one lead and Ms. Ellie on the other. The Mexishit wouldn’t come out, tough-too-bad for that thing. – But I have to say, in spite of all… THE PAIN IN MY GROIN IS HORRIBLE TONIGHT!!! REALLY REALLY HORRIBLE! I’m just hoping that it goes away, on it’s own… SOON! I can’t be like this and have to go to all sorts of shit for the re-hire! – But the car is painted. It’s supposed to rain tonight. In fact, it was forecast for right about now. But tonight and on for the next couple of days. Hopefully the paint on the car this time will have dried and will have time to cure. I even painted the under-side on the sides (those things that get rusty all the time and will cause a car to fail inspection) ROCKERS! That’s what they’re called… ROCKERS. I painted them too. Just to keep them looking “OK”. I want to send Angela and Nanci a thank you again this evening. I can send it to angela and she can pass it along to Nanci. With-out that car, with this PAIN, I’d be totally fucked when it comes to food and such. Never mind, getting back to work (especially since the PO wants me to interview for Highgate Springs!). I owe them… SO much! – Other-wise, it was a “nothing” sort of day other than getting ALL of the laundry done, indeed. And getting the car painted and the mats washed. Indeed! I did get to transplant 2 corn plants in the garden. I hope it DOES rain tonight. They’ll need it… so too, the black-eyed susans out front. – But what a delight to have the house quiet. I wonder when they’ll be returning from “Newport” tonight. Probably late so that I’ll be in bed and the fucking dogs will bark. THEY already got 2 incidents with the fly-swatter today. But that won’t mean shit when the others come back. – Reminding me: I’ll have to see to it that they all get fed in about a half hour. No trouble. – For now… peace… and PAIN. But peace. The fan is running on high, it’s that hot in here. And I’m in shorts… it’s THAT hot in here. I took 2 aspirins and will have a Tea soon. Hopefully that’ll counter the PAIN. – 20.25 They’ve returned… and of course… the herald of the Mexishit. Oh well… so much for “peace”… be still. – 21.08 Well, indeed they’re back and in good mood, thankfully. There was SO MUCH FOOD over there where they went today and B. said “You should’ve come with us. But I figured you had other plans for the day.” Well, yes, indeed… I had plans, didn’t get to many of them, but WOW! AM I happy with the day! – The clothes are in and on hangers to dry in the room. And tomorrow’s forecast… the Heat Index is 36° from 15-17.00! DEATH! And to think I came NORTH for this! MY OH MY! –

Sun.12.Jul: 0.59 to bed at last! My eyes and body can’t take any more… 2 Teas… and still wound. Soc.med. is NOT the thing to do before sleep. Although, N.Nichols and I were having an OK chat.So… – 9.51 Woke at about 9.00, before the 9.00 alarm. IT IS SO MISERABLY HOT AND HUMID THIS MORNING! AND MY CHEST IS PAINFUL! And when I went down for my smoke? MY GROIN TOO, IS PAINFUL! Heat. Humidity. Pain. A delightful beginning to the day. I want to crawl some-where… and just… DARF. – It appears that, at some point as I slept, it rained. Not much. But a bit. That’s nice because the first thoughts of the day were of the crops… and how dry the soil is. – 9.54 and the Quebikers are arriving. On a miserably hot day like this. Well… truth is, I’ve done it, though not for the simple matter of biking. THAT is just stupid. – 11.39 HOT! HUMID! BUT THERE ARE BLACK-EYED SUSANS COMING UP IN THE TYRE IN THE BACK! AND THE TRANSPLANTS OUT FRONT ARE LOOKING QUITE GOOD! MY FLOWERS ARE BLOOMING NICELY! I’M THAT GOOD! – Their “John B.” dropped by a little bit ago. It’s been quite the while since last he did so. Funny note: He says to me “You’re still keeping your girlish figger.” and Bobo chimes right in “Randy’s doing good too.” The freak says it weighs-in at 157. Imagine? So I said “He still weighs more than I do.” and Bobo says “… and you’re taller than him.” Duh… Fat and lazy is as fat and lazy IS. Then John comments about the freak’s colour and the freak starts in with all the “work” it did yesterday… or the day before… Fuck. One fucking day out of… TWO YEARS! Ca ce peut tu? Some people… what a bunch of fucking idiots. I’m surrounded by them! And yes, it’s taking quite the toll. (I’ve been ranting on soc.med. of late. But, oh well.) – And now… back to the room for another coffee. There isn’t much to eat in here and oddly, this morning, I’m hungry. – Oh! No laundry is being done. Oh gee. I guess it’s too hot to put clothes into the machine. Lard-arses. – 15.08 Up from a nap. And I didn’t want to get up from that. Almost 2 hours of sleep. I was so tired that I set the alarm and laid on top of the bed, thinking I’d just rest. Well! I SLEPT! For hours! Feeling only a little better. The groin pain is subsided a bit. The chest too. Maybe I’m running my body into pains and … (hopefully) death. That would be ever so nice. – 17.03 Too funny…. HLS and Bobo have headed out to hospital. Seems HLS has an infection of some kind in the right leg. Ah… but the freak says, as I just went out for a smoke “There’s an infection in the right leg… and it wasn’t caused by the cats.” HAHAHAH! I thought it, but the freak said it. Oh well… – It’s SO miserably HOT out there, even at this hour! HOT. Miserable. – Tomorrow morning, I’m planning on putting the 50 into CIBC. Stopping for some smokes at the dép perhaps. And then? No doubt… to the room at Jacquie’s again. I missed a whole day of “work” today. Oh well… I just can’t do it… not “won’t”… CAN’T! – 21.30 A new fesse-book page because Iona is being poked by the “police” and MY page is blocked because I spoke out against the shits who are suing bakers for not making “Gay wedding” cakes. Honestly? The new “Iva Haddenuff” is true… This world has come to complete useless. It’s frightening how obtuse people are getting and it makes me wonder: has the water supply been poisoned? I shouldn’t doubt it at all. Well… at the rate I’m in PAIN and falling apart, perhaps this is the last year I should stick around. I truly do NOT want to see where it’s all heading, and it doesn’t appear that anybody will be making any changes. The generation of “change” is gone… or almost at this point. – Meanwhile… the crew is back. The diagnosis is “low grade cellulitis” and, as the freak put it… it’s not because of the cats. Hmmm… I wonder if Bobo knows that that’s what was said by… the little mistress of love. Karma… we shall let Karma take care of that aspect. The freak is being picked up at 7.30 tomorrow. HLS has an ultrasound at 8.00. How lovely that THEY can get medical attention. Me? I hobble along, hoping that each day is better than this one. No concern, really. May what-ever it is take me quickly… or quickly enough. I’m actually at the point where I don’t even care where or when. Just GO! Enough is enough… and this is too much already. I’ll work myself to death though. And let them talk about me when I’m “gone”. – It’s miserable hot in this room tonight! The fan just blows the hot air about. It’s only slightly cooler out-side. The heat is miserable all over. To think I came back North to escape this and here it is! I don’t know… I just don’t know. – Oh…. I checked the Skype today, for schitzengiggles. Still blocked from the V. Well. The message must have gotten to her and she’s pissed… Serves her right. I was played twice. The end. Too bad… she lost a really true, caring and loyal friend. I guess she doesn’t need any of those. Good for her. – Now… a quick glance at the soc.med. and try for some sleep. It’s going to be difficult tonight. It was a day of nothing… and truly… nothing got done. Tomorrow, off to HOME to make a deposit. I’d rather have the money there. I need a PO box too… but that’ll come when they settle me in an office. No rush… for now… I don’t suppose. Let the mail be returned and let those who seek… keep seeking. – Amen. -23.45 Was considering a smoke… changed my mind. I should have gotten cookies this evening. Too lazy. Oh well… off to lights out and hope to sleep… it’s humid!

Mon.13.Jul: 7.02 The house is awake. I’m up from my smoke. And the PAIN is still with me. The sun is burning through a morning mist. It’s cool enough out-side, hot in the room. And I’m … well … in PAIN. – Odd… the solar-lite jar on the back corner of the barn was steadily rocking all the while I was having my smoke. Not from wind or anything else. Just rocking back and forth… all the while I had my smoke and might even still be moving. Odd. – And another day begins… with PAIN and anxiety. Another day. – 10.34 the freak is back and I’m heading over to Jacquie’s…. in PAIN IN THE CHEST! – 22.23 FINALLY IN THE BED! The one room is just about done! The books have to be packed and the papers to be sorted. The desk and file cabinet are left. But for the most part… next room to commence. Carrie and Larry came over today and Larry and I moved the drafting table to the porch… in spite of the pain in my groin. After, Jacquie and I put the straw on the squash and will do the corn soon as well. But we had franks and beans and radishes for dinner tonight and a WONDERFUL talk about Cecil (a convert to Catholicism! No wonder the zeal!) and her previous marriage (he tood a GUN to her!) I tried to encourage her about not putting up with her kids and their negative attitudes. I learnt that the house on the Square rd. is making her crazy with that old shit in there AND that his dog pees on the air conditioning at the store and on other peoples’ yards. There have been petitions against him! So it’s not just this house. That makes me feel a little better because I thought it was just here. – Speaking of here… the flowers out front are doing WELL! So too, the flowers in the back. – A chat with HLS and a smoke this evening when I returned. The medical report is no blood clot, just cellulitis. Oh well. And he heard that plants seem to be doing miraculously well and quick this year for some reason. I wonder: the harsh Winter we had? Who knows? No difference. They’re well… and that’s my concern. – And another 50 from Jacquie. I feel terrible about it but I’ve learnt from the past: accept graciously. CICB will be happy and the dép as well… tomorrow morning I should hope. I need smokes and I want that money in the account. – Oh… spoke with the Jen at the Franklin office today. They still don’t know what’s going on with the Sheldon office! But they’re still horribly short-staffed. AND the Highgate office? It”s the one with-out the loo! Watch them try to pin that one on me! I’ve no doubt now. Fucking qunts… the lot of them. But… it’s a job… I’ll take it! I need to… need to get away from here! (I wonder if the house senses my feelings. I don’t care.. I just wonder.) – Fan on. The house in bed. Time for a quick swipe over the soc.med. and to bed and hopefully to sleep. 2 aspirins again tonight. The chest is a bit better, so too the groin. But not by much. Hopefully the aspirins will help.

Tue.14.Jul:
HOMECIBC
6.53 And I’m up and coffeed and smoked and it’s hot in the room, comfyish out-side. A bit hazy and humid but not as bad as it’s been and I slept through the 6.00 alarm. Off to check the photos of the truck and then? Indeed… to HOME this morning. I used to delight in the trips HOME… today, I don’t know why, really, but… not so much. Still, perhaps a stop at Metro for snacks and 50’s for Jacquie and me. That would be nice. – 8.45 The photos are done and sent via e-mail. – But… that pain in the groin has shifted… to the LEFT side this morning! WTF is going on here? I wonder. Oh… just another day in Paradise. – 15.47 Back and settling back in. MADE IT TO HOME! Fontaine at the HOME-front. LOVELY visit at CIBC, went to Korvette for 3 bars of Nivea but made in Jakarta! They had only 3 bars, I grabbed and bought and checked just now… Jakarta? WTF? Oh well. Smells nice enough. Then to Metro for a potato salad and yoghurt and Mae West and 2 50s and the cup o’noodles x3. No smokes. So on to Sonic where the smokes are now 13-and-change! Fuck! Everybody wants more money! And if the tobacco industry gets hammered with the bullshit up there, no doubt they’ll be back up to 20$ per! SHIT! – Trip back? The computers for CBP (I thought it was Canada… they’ve changed back from DHS… idiots in this cuntry) went down so I had a bit of a wait as they re-booted. The guy was nice, thanked me for being patient. But… I was in no rush. I’d said I was going into St-Albans for a prelim-interview. Ha! Fucking shame though that I can’t be honest around here. I wouldn’t DARE! – And now… the account is back up to “safe” and I’m been there and done that and back. – Had my potato salad and yoghurt and a Mae West. I’ve eaten. Nice… Oh… and got cheese too… on sale! So later, I can have noodles with the cheese and then a beer before bed. Tomorrow I need to be awake for the “interview”. – 22.39 SHOWERED! IN BED! AT LAST! – It must have been about 16.00 when the car pulled up in front of the house. I was about to nap when the knock came on the door.. the freak announcing that Jacquie was here. “Are you busy?” Well, no but… So off I went, to “till” by hand, the rows of corn and “hay” the pumpkins and zucchini. The dirt is embedded in my finger nails now. No matter how I wash, it’s there. Oh well, so what. – Well, we worked the garden a while, Jacquie picked raspberries (which we had with ice cream and maple syrup after a dinner of a banger, rice and asparagus. (I brought back some left-over rice. I hope it keeps until tomorrow.) – We worked on the computer a bit. She received a call from family in Frelighsburgh… how odd to hear her speaking French. For a moment I thought of how it would be if Viv had been here or would be here to hear this. And I think of how I’d always wanted to be able to chat in another language and now, at the fucking age of fucking 60… it happens. Oh well. It is. – Got back at about 21.30! The house was in bed, HLS was in the kitchen foraging. I came up, grabbed a shower with the new soap which has almost NO fragrance (Jakarta! Fuck.) and went down for a smoke. And now… having 2 Mae Wests before bed. – I must say that it was a good day, pain-wise. There’s a bit of pain in the chest. But I doubt that’s ever going to go away now. Hopefully being back to smoking Belvederes will help. – Tomorrow is the “interview”. THAT should be interesting, to say the least. But better to interview than to have nothing to look forward to. – I mentioned briefly to HLS, Jacquie’s question concerning my retirement. He too said that one retires when one wants to die… “You lose all sense of purpose.” He probably has that. But… there are things to give purpose (I have the rooms at Jacquie’s, the garden, and such). – So… a quick browse on the soc-med. and I’m out for the night. The past couple of nights I didn’t bother with a last smoke… just went to sleep. Hopefully I’ll be able to do like-wise tonight. – Trying to decide whether or not to have a 50 though. – 23.24 No beer. No smoke… going to sleep (Ihope).

Wed.15.Jul: 8.19 Dozed through two alarms this morning… Just up from the smoke. It did rain a bit last night. I don’t think it was nearly enough for all of the garden, but it’s better than nothing at all. And according to the barn thermo it’s only about 50F out there this morning. Very nice. Cloudy, still. But at least it’s not 100F as has been the case of late. – And today… the “interview”. I wish I could believe that it’s going to go well. But I know better. Well. At least I know who I will interview with. And when it’s done, there’s more garden work and yard work to be done next door to keep me out of this pit for the day. “All” is not lost. – I’m tired though, this morning. I could go right back to sleep… for a while… a LONG while. Ah… the anxieties of morning. The anxieties of simply… being. -24.10 Just getting into bed under all the blankets tonight… that cool! YAY! – But too late because I have to be at Jacquie’s by 9.30! – The interview was “interesting” today. Seems the “C” (it must be the name as well here… not only the “Cindy” but the c….unt too!) was supposed to be there with Dan but she rang him at the last minute and made excuses as to why she couldn’t make it. (Lyle says she probably doesn’t want to face me. I wouldn’t doubt him on this point… stupid bitch.) Dan mentioned that she’s been shirking many responsibilities and she was supposed to, at least interview WITH him. Seems many people are pissed with her… right up the line. She’s supposed to take a 4-hour “course” to learn interviewing and she’s even brushing that off. Well… if nothing else, I guess my part in this farce is that she’s been “discovered” for the bitch she actually is. But I just rolled with the info I was getting from Dan. BUT… SHE ALSO GAVE HIM A SMALL LIST OF “CONCERNS” THAT HE WAS TO ADDRESS: HE DUG UP THE CERT LETTER INCIDENT… AND THE PO BOXES REGISTRY (WHICH GOES BACK TO THE BOXES FOR VIV!) AND THE LITTLE NOTE THAT I GAVE THE CUTSOMERS ABOUT THE OFFICE NOT CLOSING!!! AS DAN SAID: “I HAVE NO CONCERNS BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING YOU’VE BEEN WRITEEN-UP FOR..” BUT SHE JUST WON’T LET THINGS GO! I CAN’T WAIT TO GET BACK AND GET THIS SHIT RIGHT IN TO THE UNION! AS SHE SAID “YOU DO WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU.” YEAH… I WILL. MEANWHILE, I’M PISSED ROYALLY OVER THE PO BOX ISSUE! FUCKING VIV AGAIN! SCREWED, TO A POINT, BECAUSE SHE WOULDN’T COMPLETE ONE FUCKING FORM. WELL… SHE’S ON HER FUCKING OWN. LET HER LIVE WITH WHAT-EVER IT IS SHE HAS TODAY. I’M FUCKING OUT OF HER BULLSHIT. WHAT A COMPLETE ASS I’VE BEEN!!!) – ANYWAY, THE “C” WILL BE INTERVIEWING FOR THE SHLEDON OFFICE… NEXT WEEK! SO…. I’M FUCKED OUT OF THAT OFFICE FOR CERTAIN NOW. I’M GOING FOR “RETALIATION” IF/WHEN I GET BACK TO WORK! DAMN HER AND THE REST OF THEM. I’M GOING BACK TO BEING A STRANGER IN TOWN… NO CONNECTIONS… NO NICE. – Well then… when I return, I return as somebody nobody knows and somebody who doesn’t want to get to know anybody. – Got back to the pit, changed clothes, gulped another coffee and headed to the back yard where today, I put down some black plastic over the non-planted areas around the bench and covered it with 3 layers of compacted mulch (from the store). No maintenance now… nothing… I hope. I even told HLS that that’s how I’ve been working round the place… “no maintenance”. I made my point… although it probably go lost some-where… saying the Mass twice for the deaf. – Off to next door to the “farm” where I got to weed the peas and such and plant the irises. – JUST as I came back to the pit, Jacquie got home and called over to come. So… I went to talk with her. She has to get the truck tomorrow morning! Her car has to go into the shop and she’ll need the truck so we have to go to Georgia to get the truck and then to Winooski to drop the car. Oh joy! Oh well… it gets me away from the pit. And then, thankfully, she goes to work tomorrow evening. TIME FOR ME and here and DIXIE! – While we chatted, she’d found 2 fresh eggs in the barn and gave them to me. I beat them into a glass and added some of the beer we were having and gulped. I don’t know if that was a good idea or not but hey… WTF do I care? With my eating history of Homelessness, and Jim’s and Newburgh and Margot’s… I’ve eaten MUCH worse. We’ll see what comes of this… over time. – Well, I’ve an agenda for tomorrow and I came back to the pit with more radishes for the turds here… – Had the house to ME… HLS had a doctor appointment and apparently they all went jolly-joy-riding together how cute. Me? SHOWERE! Then sat and had the left-over rice from last night. – Odd… my smokes led to smokes led to chats with HLS and it all ran LATE into tonight! So it’s time to get the fuck to sleep! I just had a bit of cheese… I’m HUNGRY (what’s new?) So it is… – A quick browse-through on the soc.med. and to sleep… I hope! I’d like a beer but… too much to do later. –

Thu.16.Jul: 6.17 The sun is shining through the window and the barn thermo reads 40°F this morning! The grass is covered with dew. “Autumn”? I have that song in my head “Autumn Leaves”, and thoughts of Miriam… and singing at Spuyten Duyvil park. – And… I’d like to go right back to sleep. Gee, I wonder why. Good thing I didn’t have that beer last night. Although, I did get rudely awakened… foot cramps… from the cold bed. Here we go… again. – Météo says 8° this morning! Single digit! YAY… But going back up to the higher 20’s come the rest of the forecast. Oh well. – 6.32 Just browsed the USPS jobs… seems St-Albans posted for a PSE on the 7th. AhHA… so the question of considering work at that office. I almost just might. Though I doubt it. I also browsed NY. Nothing up in Clinton Cty. But one of these days… Indeed. I just need to get the car in shape. BINGO! – For now… trying to wake up (and hope that those eggs last night were OK and settled). – 19.06 in from the day and showered. 2 franks for meal. – 24.49 I’ve got so much to catch up with at this point. But I’m just up from a smoke with Lyle. I went down with Dixie and whilst there, I heard the door open. L. had heard me, in the dark. So I got another and we chatted about Xanax and such. He’s still, with the Melatonin and such, having a miserable time getting to sleep at night. It truly is horrid. I know… too well. – But… the day… – Well! I got to Jacquie at about 9.20 and we were off shortly there-after. She drove to Georgia and took the truck. I followed in the car, down the 89. (How I miss the Northway and the 87! Even more these days for some reason.) Down to Winooski. Winooski’s changed so much since I got to VT! It’s actually cleaned up. But then… it’s becoming “the place to be” now so… And no, I will NOT move SOUTH again! It’s time to go North! For more reasons than only one. – Anyway, driving that car (SUV) was interesting. It’s big and heavy and such. But when we got to the garage, Jacquie just doesn’t seem to concentrate on “necessities’ and so, she parked oddly. I had to manoeuvre the car and she had to drive almost into Essex to turn round in the truck and come back! But… we did it. – She drove back to Fuklin.. and I noticed: she keeps moving the steering wheel back and forth! No wonder she drives so oddly… or not… for a Vermonter. I still miss the 87! – When we got back to the house she made (and yes, I ate) TWO BLTs for me (and one for her). She’s got such an agenda for me, mostly because she doesn’t want to be left alone in the house for too long It was settled that I have a key and can come and work on the back room over the week-end… it’s the one with the bed and clothes in. More days in the dark. Oh well… we’ll see what’s to come of that. – She did get some good news for her though: there’s a fellow across the road at the Ford dealership who wants to rent the house! AND he can help her sell the truck when the time comes. She wants 800/mo for that house. The same rent we had for the place in Richford. I wish I could afford that kind of rent. Not that I’d want to rent in this town, but just have enough to afford it… again. The story of my existence. I don’t know how others can. Hell, I don’t even know whether or not I’ll have a job soon. (Or… is it time to go HOME for the last time, and I’m thinking that again as well these days.) Just before she left for work, I came to the pit and got the “mowing” done… MY part at least, in front of the barn and the “trim” that the mower never seems to get (and Bobo won’t do with the weed-wacker). and went back to Jacquie’s for a “wrap-up”. She’ll be gone for the next 2,5 days so I can do or not over there. Of course, there’s weeding in the garden that always needs to be done, so I don’t have to look forward to being “stuck” in the pit. That’s always nice. Something to “do” and away. – Well, she left and I came back to the pit, and got into doing things HERE for a change. I weeded and cleaned that corner over by the mock-orange. I haven’t done that at all this year and have wanted to. Brought Dixie out for the day and with her company, I moved along the back flower-bed toward the barn, cleaning it up and out a bit. AH… THE JAPANESE LANTERNS HAVE TAKEN! THERE ARE SOME LITTLE GREEN ONES THAT HAVE COME ALONG! I’M AMAZED AT HOW THEY REBOUNDED! AND I’M THRILLED! (When I told HLS and Bobo, Bobo hadn’t even noticed that I’d put them there and HLS immediately went into this shit about getting them for a bouquet! Work… THEY won’t but *I* should. Right. Check… good for them. Not.) Anyway, to keep busy and such, I went to the back and dug up some purple wild-flowers to put into the pots by the bench.. just because I wanted flowers in there instead of the Jerusalem artichokes and such. And I had Dixie with me still so it was a nice way to spend time and to get her out where she’s happier. I hope the flowers take to being potted. They’re not “perfect” but they’re a nice touch. I didn’t do much along the lines of taking particular care with them, but they did get watered-in. I’ll just hope. – Well… that all done, I came into the pit, showered rather quickly as is usual, and even though I probably didn’t “need”, I had 2 franks on a roll and actually finished the raspberry-rhubarb tart that Jacquie had made for me. I ATE SO MUCH this evening! But that’s OK. (I’ve got only about 6$FS left for the rest of the month now. Thankfully, there’s something in the account.) – At one point, B&L went for a drive. I don’t know where to but it makes no matter. – I checked for word from the PO, not that I expect anything, but I check. Nothing changed… except that my anger about all of this is increasing. I’m going to get stuck with the fucking Highgate office… BUT I noticed that there’s an opening in the St-Albans office so there’s a chance that I might be called to work over there a bit. I wonder how THAT will work into the scheme of things. Ah… when this re-commmences, I’m just going to roll with it this time. It’s no longer permanent… just something to get me to my goal… HOME and out of this shit. – Later, it was a bit of fesses-book as usual. I’m back on with the “me” page and I’m keeping my politics out of that one now… sticking to the writing aspect. But I DID post photos of the bench and the flowers out front (from the one who should go back to the Homeless shelter… and that’s open to the public. Let the world see… I don’t give a fuck any longer.) I had my 2 50’s and the 2 Mae Wests that were left. I’ll have to make a run HOME over the week-end no doubt. Alas… – But all said, it was another “day” and much was done with it. Nobody knows about how much pain I’m still in, although much of it has either subsided or I’m just adjusting to it. No matter… Hopefully, one day, soon, I’ll just “go” with a snap. That would be nice. I don’t even care where any more. I’m in the North… and that’s where I wanted to be. It’s why I came back… to leave.

Fri.17.Jul: 1.02 Made notes for yesterday. NEED to get some sleep. Must make a wash in the morning too. – 8.33 Wash in the machine. Smoke. Tired. Sunny morning. I want to sleep the day away! Oh well. And last night’s chat with HLS about anxieties and depression, rolling through the head. Anxieties and depression. If the world only knew. If…. – 9.20 the wash is on the line and for some reason, I feel so COLD! Even in the room… where it’s actually quiet warm, I’m feeling so COLD! Strange. – Meanwhile… back to catching-up with this thing here. – 9.40 Caught up, gone potty. No clothes to wear just now… everything’s on the line oh well. – 17.00 In from a day in the barn, cleaning it up again, and lawn-mowing in the front, and re-arranging the bench garden. I didn’t get out of here until noon, but Dixie and I put in quite the afternoon anyway. – No… no “thanks”. – 20.49 SHOWERED! – I played Frisbee with m’Dixie earlier and… again, brought SHIT into the house on my shoes! So, it’s now in the hall, where it belongs. They won’t pick it up? It gets hit with the mower? It ends up on my shoes? It gets put where it should be… under THEIR feet. – 23.16 Well, another day behind me… B&L are asleep in the parlour. The freak’s awake across the hall. Of course… his “boyfriend” is with HIS husband. Alas. And me? I’d give anything for a drink right now but… Oh well. And I’m a bit hungry but there’s only bread and franks and it’s too later for that sort of thing. Just up from last smoke. Time to turn in. Trip HOME tomorrow for smokes and a day in the room at Jacquie’s. So? Away we go. One more day behind me. How many are left? Well I don’t know… but I’m getting closer to “check-out”… I’ve got one less day to go.

Sat.18.Jul:
HOME
8.29 Up. Coffee. (No VitC though.) Smoke. And B. asleep on the recliner in the parlour. And as I opened the door to the room, the freak rolls over and checks the time. Biddy-bitch. – The border’s open. Sonic is open for smokes. I’m deciding whether or not to got to Metro this morning as well. But the rest of the day will be in the room at Jacquie’s. And I must make the “thank you” note for Dan too. Things to do. I want to sleep. It’s very over-cast, there’s a lovely wind. And it rained last night. GOOD for the garden(s). – 10.18 Late and time to get on the road! – 16.36 Showered. Clothes washed and hanging on hangers because it looks like rain. Having a Twisted Tea and some choco-grahams after having had 2 franks on a roll. And the house is empty, save for the dogs. The fan is on. So too, oddly, the radio. – WELL! Indeed, I made it HOME for smokes and THE NEW BUILDING AT MORSES LINE IS OPEN! WOW! VERY IMPRESSIVE… BUT DEPRESSING. MORSES LINE IS NOW… A “BORDER”. THE DAYS OF INNOCENCE ARE GONE! FUCK! JUST ALL TOO SIMPLY… FUCK. THE BUILDING IS SET SO THAT ONE DRIVES INTO A “GARAGE-STYLE” ENCLOSURE. LES DOUANES ARE ABOVE THE VEHICLE SO THEY LOOK DOWN AND INTO THE CAR. FONTAINE LAUGHED WHEN I SAID “GOOD LUCK. AND CONGRATULATIONS.” It wasn’t until I got to the Dutch when it hit me: the innocence is now officially GONE! I HATE people.. HATE what this world has become. Just HATE it all. – But I went to the dép, got my 2 smokes, stopped at the Papeterie or what-ever to check on their paint brushes for water-colours… Nothing but “craft” shit. No purchase. Got back into the car and came back to the house to change for “work”… and WORK I DID! … I was going to go over to Jacquie’s but wanted to do some planting at the bench garden first. And so I DID! Brought NINE groups of those “Asian Lanterns” for a row next to the little brick wall. Then, TEN groups of Tiger lilies for along the fence. In between, in the centre, the tall Mini-dasies, then a group of Black-eyed Susans on either side, and the purple Asters at the ends. A little fencing to keep the dogs out and… next thing, it was already something round 15.00! About 4 hours of work. And whilst I worked, I decided: I don’t, some-how, for some reason, trust that broad up-stairs at Jacquie’s. I don’t know exactly why, something flashes back to the Fukling PO. So, since I’ve already been accused of so many “crimes” in this fucking state, I decided I won’t go into the house whilst Jacquie’s not there. Tough shit for the “tenants”. Sorry Hallie. But no… I’m not taking any chances. I’m en route back to the Postal Service… I don’t need shit. I can get MORE than enough of that right here in this house. (Although… I’m at a point where. should anything more be said, I’m going directly to the police with it and into the courts. Fuck. I’m not working for income… let THEM pay for the bullshit… and pay greatly when it comes to awareness that there’s been MUCH more money going into their pockets than anybody else knows about. I’m at that point. This state’s been fucking me since I arrived. I’m about to take MY turn… and I’ll fuck as rough as *I* want… and that’s pretty nasty.) – So now… a bit of soc.med. browsing, followed by my Tea and perhaps a note card to Dan… if I have the stamina… which, right now… is disappearing. – 21.19 Well, they came back, said nothing. I went down for my smoke. L. joined. We chatted about Winooski and Newport and their ultimate gentrification. He, apparently, is in favour because of the business it’ll being in. They’d gone to BTV for some reason. The freak came in and apparently went right to bed… Poor freak. Anyway, B asked if I’d finished the rooms at Jacquie’s. I told him about the plantings. No further words… not that I expected any. We don’t do for validation or thanks. We do because we can. (I even posted photos and commentary to the fesses-book and “shared” between accounts. I know at least ONE will be seen. I can’t wait to hear the comments when they come. Fukkitall.) – And so now, I’m in bed. Had my 2 Teas and 2 aspirins taken. I need to get to sleep soon and trough the night. It’s hot. It’s humid. And tomorrow… I really must get the thank you to Dan done. It’s supposed to rain… I can only hope. – I need to get out of here though. I really do.

Sun.19.Jul:

1.02 2 Teas and 2 aspirins and still awake and none too happy about it. And having dry Ramen because I’m so damned hungry. Just up from last smoke with HLS and a nice chat. Oh well… Hopefully it won’t waste the day… later. I’ve an alarm set for 7.30… hahahah. – 10.29 JUST getting a start on the day! Slept through the alarm this morning, but when I looked out at about 8.00, it was raining. So? GOOD! The transplants of yesterday need that rain. No complaints. – Of course, I dread the calls and such form Jacquie today. I NEED to get some things done, like the Thank You not to Dan. (Although I’m not really in the mood to be artsy this morning.) And I guess I’ll just tell my reason for not going over on the week-end. Oh well… I don’t give a shit what people think of me any longer. It’s been a long 4 years of putting up with the general bullshit of this state. – The house is quiet. The room is humid and I have to use the loo! I didn’t yesterday and I’ll be paying for it if I don’t again today. – I need food. I need VitC. I’ll be needing smokes soon too. I need to get back to work. I need to get busy this morning, whilst I may. – 12.07 Just went back to the bench-garden to check… LAST NIGHT’S RAINS PULLED THE JAPANESE LANTERNS BACK! THE TIGER LILIES ARE FINE! THANK THE FATES! THE RAINS WERE PERFECT! – And now… on to the rest of the needed: the thank you note to Dan. I’m not “inspired” today, but… – And a thought: OK. So I owe rent. But with all the improvements contributed to the property from which THEY will benefit… not so much as a “thanks”. Fuck these people… really… well… no… not even that. Why waste a good time on shit? – 18.20 Went out to the barn and started scrubbing the old tool box with a steel brush… didn’t do too well, but not too bad either. Washed the rust dust off with the rain water in the bucket and that was all I could accomplish. IT WAS SO HOT AND HUMID AND HORRID! I had m’Dixie with though. Poor thing. She too, is under all of this weather. Anyway… we sat for the longest while and waited for the storm to come rolling in. No major storm, but a little lightning and a rather constant thunder with a bit of rain. We sat, in the door-way of the back barn and watched until about 17.00 when we came in to find… “their Eric” is back or dinner and… I can only imagine. I knew somebody was due because (a) there’s a new wax in the freshner-thing and (b) Bobo and the freak went out earlier with-out the Mrs. Oh… I AM so astute! – But other than the tool box, it’s been quite the wasted day. I slept until almost 14.00 or maybe later. It was one of those “aware” sleeps where I didn’t want to “wake”. And then the tool-box work which made me sweat. Shit! Even having a smoke made me sweat! Horrid day. – So now… the thought comes to mind: Eric… new renter? Are they just waiting for me to leave? I wonder. I’ll do them no favours… I’m still doing MUCH MUCH MUCH more than my share… improving THEIR property. But that will come to an end… as soon as I walk out the door for the last time. – I finished the last 2 franks. Had a “Gattuso” noodles. Am hungry. The store’s closed. Perhaps a sugar-water and to bed… soon. Tomorrow might bring some kind of news… the interviews for Sheldon should begin this week. I wonder… – 21.29 Just back from Jacquie’s. She stopped at the house earlier to talk. The freak came up to tell me she was here. So I went down to the front to chat, purposely beginning in French. And THEY CLOSED THE FRONT DOOR ON US! So I was invited over to the house for a beer… I went, of course, coming in the front door (which I was told to leave open… go figure). And I went out the back as their Eric was leaving. But as I was putting things together here in the room, I over-heard comments being made, out front, about the flowers. I couldn’t hear too well, but I rest assured that full credit was “*taken*”. Oh well… Karma. (GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!! PLEASE!!!!) – Jacquie and I have to go get the car tomorrow…another trip to Winooski. Now she has to think of selling the car an not the truck. Oh well… the tyres will have to be put back again. More trips. (I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE P.O.! PLEASE!!!) – And so, tomorrow will be room-cleaning, then the cars. – When I came into the house a little while ago, the doors were all locked. Good thing I bring the key with now. No consideration for anybody or anything other than self around here. How do I manage to get stuck with such people? Am I supposed to be learning something? I probably am learning… how to hate people and welcome death. Oh well. – Dixie ate her dinner because I put water in it and “made gravy”. That fagfreak probably doesn’t even bother with her! May he choke on food… soon… when I can witness. – Fan on medium tonight. It’s hot and muggy in the room. And hope for a night’s sleep. I’m hungry. Nothing to eat in here… nothing. Oh… nothing new.

Mon.20.Jul: 0.19 Just up from a smoke with m’Dixie. I opened the door to the room and the fucking Cockospaniel let out a yelp! HAHahaha! GOOD! Wake their arses up in the middle of the night. BUT that’s not the point: Dixie and I were standing out back when… AN INCREDIBLE STREAK OF LATTERAL LIGHTNING BOLTED ACROSS THE SKY TO THE NORTH! DIRECTLY ABOVE, THE STARS WERE GLITTERING, BUT WE’RE *ON* THE STORM-FRONT AND THERE’S REPEATED LIGHTNING FLASHING IN THE CLOUDS JUST OVER BY THE LAKE! WHEN IT FLASHES, THE SPARSE CLOUDS ABOVE BECOME VISIBLE AND THEN DISAPPEAR INTO THE DARKNESS UNTIL THE NEXT FLASH. WHEN THE BOLT FLASHED, THE THUNDER CRACKED IN THE NIGHT AIR! I’m so hungry that I need to go to sleep to avoid it, but being awake for this was and is so worth the suffering of hunger. WOW! JUST… WOW! – I’ll be sorry in a few hours when I have to wake up, but this was SO worth it! – 8.12 The sun is brilliant. The greens are so green, the sky, so blue. There’s a breeze, but not in the room of course. And I slept over the alarms. Oh well. Another day… commences with the usual. Things to be done. At least I’m not sitting about in my angst. – (On Friday night) When I got over to Jacquie’s this morning, there was a woman visiting her. Turns out to be “Pam”, one of the rare wonderful folks whom I know from the PO! She smiled so nicely, as always, and said how it was good to see me. I, of course, said the same to her because, it was nice to see her! – Well, Pam went off on her way and we were off on ours… to get the car back from the garage in Winooski. Jacquie hadn’t slept much last night and was SO tired! But we made it down OK. The cost to repair the car up to “inspection” is going to be in the vicinity of some 2.000$! Poor her! But it settled the matter of keeping either the truck or the car and the car is going. No prob there, I must say, although I pity whom-ever buys it. I drove it back up to the house and it absolutely WREAKS of DOG! Horrible! – Meanwhile… back at the house and back into the back room to continue with the cleaning whilst Jacquie did what-ever it is she does. At one point, I had to blow my nose and the dust… BLACK! Is it any wonder I have pain in my lung? Between cleaning the barn and now this! Oh… may it all strike me soon and quickly… and may I be comfy on the ground, under a tree… at HOME! – NOTE…..
*** I stopped by the PO today to visit with Rachel. I MUST NOTE… Jerry R. got to the “C”! Apparently she’s costing the PO a small fortune because she’s under-staffed and, I learnt that when she works “Clerk” hours, they pay a clerk with the lowest assigned hours, the difference… AT 35$/HOUR! WELL! The UPSP is pissed AND they’re now addressing the shit that she’s been pulling for the longest while! Rachel is pissed because of all the hours and covering all sorts of offices including Highgate Ctr. When I told her that I was always wiling to work more and cover other offices but I was told that I would only get 15 hours/week, she said things have changed and that I shouldn’t be too concerned about all that. It’s not the same as it was when I left. Well, IMAGINE THAT! So we talked about my interview with Dan and I told her of the “concerns” that were “mentioned” to Dan and not to me. Seems Rachel has been victim of the same shit. AND, somebody got Stacie AND Lisa involved! So this “behind the back” shit isn’t just me. Not that that makes it any better. Still… I asked what my chances are of getting interviewed for Sheldon. She said there were 13 applications, but it will narrow down to the top 6. First by the grade on the battery test and then the rest. AND… AND… THE “C” WILL BE CONDUCTING THE INTERVIEWS! The PO caught her and FORCED her to take the course needed! They’re fed up with her bullshit. So… we ride along and wait. Meanwhile… thank you Karma. ***
Went back and worked in the room the rest of the day. We broke for burgers and brown rice for dinner and I left round about 20.30.. with the remains of the radishes from the garden. There’s a LOT of work to be done back there in the garden. I suppose I’ll get to it come the week-end. – When I got into the pit this evening, the air conditioner was running in the parlour and only HLS was awake. I almost ran up to the room where it was HOT HOT HOT HUMID HUMID HUMID! First thing I did was check my e-mail…
*** AND *** THE FOLLOWING ***
Invite to Interview
Inbox
Patricia.M.Asdourian@usps.gov
09:34 (15 hours ago)
to me
[image USPS LOGO SQUARE]
[image LINE LONG]
July 20, 2015

Dear Mr. Judah Kessler,

This letter is in reference to your application for job posting PSE SALES & SVCS/DISTRIBUTION ASSOCIATE – SHELDON VT NC87401473.

As further consideration in the selection process, the selection official would like to schedule an interview with you. You have been scheduled to meet with Cindy Shedrick on July 28, 2015 at 10:30 am at the Highgate Center Post Office, 38 St Armand Road.

If for any reason you need to change the time and/or date scheduled for this appointment or you are no longer interested in the position, please contact Cindy at 802-868-2576 as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

Patty Asdourian
Staffing Specialist

I know these are simply generated, but just seeing this lying bitch’s signature makes my blood boil. BUT, seeing that I’m interviewing for Sheldon? Yeah, I’m a bit uncomfortable because it’s with the C. But INTERVIEWING FOR SHELDON! Out of 13 applications, I made it to the top 6! Now… let’s see where it goes! If anything happens, I’m going for “retaliation”! FULL force. *****
I told HLS the great news. The reply wasn’t all that great but then… I have to remember: Welbutrin. THAT pulls affect terribly. And then the “advice”:”I’d tell her… !” Yeah, of course you would. You’ve had ONE “job” in your entire 65 years of being. I let it ride. – NOW… it’s time to start believing in NY! (There’s nothing open over there for work, but I’m not going to ponder that at the moment. I’ve got a 50-mile radius to play with and I shall! What a wonderful birthday gift it would be to get across the lake. We shall see just how Life will turn.) – A couple of smokes with some music chat and history chat with HLS and some Maple Cotton Candy too! There are “kind moments” but I still know… in my gut… what the realities are and, well… it’s time to toddle… across the lake. – Anyway, late night again. Into bed at around mid-night! I need to stop these late hours. But tonight, it was the added excitement of the interview news! Well… Hell… I’m also showered! The fan is on, the room is cooler and I can sleep knowing that I’m off to a SECOND interview for a SECOND office and there are hours to be worked! There’s plotting and planning and a bit of hope to be worked with! – Amen.

Tue.21.Jul: 8.14 Yep…. slept after the alarm again this morning. Oh well… It’s not that I don’t need the sleep. I suppose. – Over-cast this morning. Work on the room in the house today? And a bit of transplanting lettuce no doubt, if we’re to get rain. But I don’t mind. I slept like dead last night. Knowing that I’m interviewing a second time to get back to work brings a little relieve from the anxieties. – 16.50 Just getting back from Jacquie’s where…. THE BACK ROOM IS DONE! DUSTED. HOOVERED. ORGANISED. DONE! And me? I have a Carhart over-alls, for WINTER!, and “Orvis” hip-waders and a nice suede-ish vest. Indeed. Hell! Nobody else in the house over there can wear them. No cowboy boots though. I think he went with those on. Oh well. Oh kay. But, Jacquie went to her lunch at 12.30 and I hit the room with my all! THEN… when the rains stopped, I weeded and transplanted the lettuce too! I got quite a bit in today. – When I came in and told Bobo about Tuesday’s interview.. he was his usual… fuckybitchie blah-blah. And HLS acted like normal with the “I’d tell them….” and pretending like I’d never said. The freak got up and left the room. You know… fuck them all. When the moment comes… and it will… – So now… nothing to eat in here. I had 2 slices of bread with peanut butter and fresh raspberries all day. Probably that’s all there will be. – I have to decide whether or not to shower now or later. But I’m having a coffee in the mean-while. – 17.01 Went to check my e-mail and no DNS connectivity. Gee… I hate to be suspicious but…. it seemed that all was well when I came in. Bobo was on his phone… although HLS wasn’t. Maybe there is trouble over at the phone company. Oh well… what-ever. –
22.56 SHOWERED AT LAST! And in bed… at last. – I wasn’t in the house but maybe an hour when, as I was typing the previous notes, Jacquie came by. I heard the dogs here, barking and then heard Hallie. So I went down directly. She saw the back room and was so pleased. “I haven’t seen it looking like that in years!” she said. Familiar… HLS said the same thing about the barn. Honestly… these people. But truth is: I saw the rest of her house today… I went up-stair to the “growing room” and… well… I was rather surprised. That house is a mess! I’m to understand that Jacquie “kept” she and Cecil with HER working and not his. He did the Farmers’ Market and that was it. But SHE was always gone during the week and he was at home… So? WTF (as they say) did he do all day? It’s like THIS pit: nobody does anything to maintain the house-hold. Honestly. I don’t understand it. But… – So on my way to go over to visit there, I pass through the kitchen to find the freak making “peanut-butter fudge”. How lovely. More incentive for me to GET OUT OF HERE! – When I got to Jacquie’s, Adam was there. They were waiting for somebody to come with a back-hoe to dig the hole in the yard for the plumbing to the green-house, but nobody was in town! Imagine THAT! It’s been WEEKS… if not months… that Jacquie’s been waiting and nobody shows. These people are miserable… it would have taken mere moments to dig, but… as it turned out, I pitched in as I could, with the spade from the barn here, and Adam and I dug a rather large and deep (probably about 5ft. down) hole to get to the leak. Adam pulled the bad parts out of the connection and… *I* will be effecting the repairs… or so it seems at present, when Jacquie gets the new ones. Oh well… We live, we learn, I’ll do out-door plumbing now. How nice for me. – So Jacquie found a pizza crust mix and made… a pizza for both of us and that was SO GOOD! A bit on the “strange” side, as the sauce came from a packette, had a “sweetness” to it, but it was hot and filling. (I just finished the last lef-over slice that she put into a baggie for me). And we had a beer. After, she shared a little “Red Velvet” cake. Sweets after dinner! Tah-dah! – I over-heard her on the phone telling somebody how much she wants to rent the rooms we’re (I’m) cleaning. “Home Share” or something. I know she’d like me to take them, but I don’t want to be in this town, I don’t want to stay in VT, and those rooms are SO DARK! And not at all private. So… – BUT… AS AN ADDED NOTE HERE:
WHEN ADAM, JACQUIE AND I WERE OUT FRONT OF THE HOUSE THIS EVENING, ADAM COMMENTED ON THE SUBRU AND JACQUIE TOLD HIM IT’S MINE! WELL! COME TO FIND OUT… A WHILE BACK, BECAUSE “IT SAT THERE AND HADN’T MOVED FOR 6 DAYS” (says Adam), THEY WERE GOING TO CALL THE POLICE AND HAVE THE CAR TOWED!!! IT BOTHERS JACQUIE TO HAVE IT THERE, APPARENTLY!
SO IT JUST LOST IT A BIT AND CALMLY SAID:
“IF ALL GOES WELL, HOPEFULLY, ONE DAY… *SOON* THE CAR AND I WILL BE GONE AND NOBODY WILL HAVE TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT EITHER OF US.”
“WHERE ARE YOU GOING?” ADAM ASKED.
“BACK TO NEW YORK.” I REPLIED.
“YOU DON’T LIKE IT HERE?’ ADAM ASKED..
WELL… NO. I TOLD HIM AND JACQUIE ABOUT THE INCIDENT WHEN I’D BOUGHT THE CAR AND THE FUKTARDZ IN THIS PIT CALLED THE POLICE TO HAVE IT TOWED. JACQUIE SAID “OH, THEY PROBABLY DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS YOURS.” SO I TOLD HER (AND ADAM):
“YES… YES THEY DID. AND I’M TIRED OF PEOPLE MAKING EXCUSES FOR THEM. PARDON MY FRENCH, AS IT WERE, BUT THEY’RE ASS-HOLES.”
AND THEN I TOLD ABOUT BOBO’S SMILE WHEN I TOLD HIM ABOUT THE POLICE INCIDENT. SHE SAID “MAYBE THEY’D JUST FORGOTTEN.” AND I SAID “NO… NO… IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE ASS-HOLES.” (I’M TIRED OF MINDING MY TONGUE AROUND HERE.) SAYS ADAM:
“AND THESE ARE THE PEOPLE YOU RENT FROM?”
YEAH… WELL… CA CE PEUT TU? FUKKALL.
Being here, in VT has actually put me in a state of mind where I’m looking toward going back to NY to die, instead of my once-heart’s-desire to go HOME. I SO just want OUT OF THIS STATE! – Anyway… Jacquie and I enjoyed our pizza, I sat whilst she checked her e-mails (I wanted to see if she was having any “DNS” troubles and no, she wasn’t so my suspicions mounted. It must have been almost 22.00 when I finally left the house. I came back to the pit via the back yard and passed the bench to note: the little solar lite there really gives quite a nice glow to the bench. Very nice indeed. I did well… of course… again. – Well then… I stopped to chat with HLS who was in the parlour, when I got in and got hornswaggled into having a smoke with. SO… as WE’RE standing on the back “porch” the chat came round to the damage in Jacquie’s rental house on the Square rd. I’m to understand that the shits who rented, have trashed the place (fucking White trash). And HLS bursts out with “I’d just tell her to sell the damned thing and have done with it!” ANOTHER FUCKING FREAK WITH NO CONNECTION TO REALITY! AS IF ONE PUTS A SIGN ON THE LAWN AND PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD ARE CALMOURING TO MOVE INTO THIS TOWN! SERIOUSLY? ALMOST HALF THE FUCKING TOWN IS “FOR SALE”! NO CLUE… JUST NO FUCKING CLUE AT ALL. – Oh well… I remained calm.. let the idiot think what it and they will. Not my monkey… Not my circus. May the place rot and be taken back by Nature. – Anyway… no “cocktails” tonight. And I have to say that I sense some sort of nasty attitude in the house here., at least toward me. Yeah, well…fukkemall. I’m mentally ready to roll into court (which I know they can’t afford on so many levels, but still… I’m ready). – 23.10 must to check the internet. Nope…no DNS… I get the WiFi but no DNS connection! – 23.19 “Proxy Server” is out… ah… but it would seem that it’s only for me since I heard little toots on Bobo’s phone earlier from his games. I wonder if the freak’s got any service? Something’s wrong here. Jacquie has service. I wonder what the fux going on. Either they changed a configuration and won’t tell me (even HLS wont’ say) or the freak didn’t pay the bill. In any event… this was my only connection to the world! – Odd… I’m getting connections on the phone! Is it the lap-top? VIRUS? I’ll have to figure this out! – Closing note: I found the “fix” and checked my e-mails and fesses-book… off to try to sleep at last!!!!!

Wed.22.Jul: 8.17 And… over-cast morning. The freak is off and on the road already. I’m up from a smoke, having dozed the morning away. But I think, I hope, the DNS issue of last night/yesterday is fixed. SOME-HOW, THIS LAP-TOP DECIDED IT NEEDED TO CONNECT TO THE INTERNET VIA PROXY SERVER! HLS mentioned, last night, when I mentioned my trouble, that they were told that they (we) didn’t need a “proxy”. So I looked about the settings and sure enough… there it was… a “proxy”! I wonder how THAT happened. Oh well… let’s hope it doesn’t happen again and I’ll continue to wonder. – Meanwhile… Jacquie has some plans about berry-picking up HOME today, but I doubt that will happen. – I need to move the car back to the pit today. That REALLY BURNS MY ARSE: THINKING ABOUT THESE PEOPLE AND THEIR WANTING TO HAVE CARS TOWED! THIS TOWN HAS GOT TO GO!!!! PISSES ME RIGHT THE ACTUAL FUKKOFF! I don’t want the car out front. I don’t like having it here AND I don’t trust these morons, parking for the store. There are dings in the car already because of Bobo’s bull-shit! Oh yes, indeed, time to get AWAY! “You don’t like it here?” says Adam, yesterday. No… I do NOT. What’s to “like”? – Well… another day… another day. I need to get the thank you to Dan. – Oh lookie… 8.24… rain. Charming. – 10.34 NOT feeling well this morning. I wonder what it’s all about. The pizza last night? General anxieties? Twice to the loo this morning. Something’s “wrong” in the digestives. Something… wrong. And the pain in the left lung is back. Oh well… falling apart… at long last. – Over-cast and sun alternating. Delightful morning. And I can’t get the thank you to Dan done! Oh… well. – 16.25 AT LONG LAST THE THANK YOU TO DAN IS OUT! I just got back in from the PO. As I came round Jacquie’s, Adam pulled in. He was there to finish the plumbing job but… no Jacquie and no idea where she could be. Oh well… So I can suppose… No Bedford today. So I’m having the last of the Gattuso noodles as the others sit to table. – Adam asked me if I was working these days. I told him the usual and he asked me the usual “When do you start?” They always ask and it’s the same reply… I don’t know! THEN he asked me if I get back to work locally, will I stay in town. I told him “NO! I’ve had enough of this. Being in Franklin has been the breaking point. I want to get back to work, get my income and get back to NY.” So… good… let that news spread round and about town. I don’t give a shit and I’m rather glad to let people know. No secrets. There’s no reason to stay here. But I did say that if I could, I’d go back to Richford. Come to find out, his mother-in-law lives there. Hmpf. – Oh… and the lawn got mowed again today. As if… So, surely, there will be some comment made about me not doing yard work and the likes today. Don’t give a fuck. – So… now to wrap the day up here. The room’s a bit neater. I put some things away when I finished the “art”. I even have the “thank you” done for the C. I opted for Art Déco this trip. Line drawings and such. Water-colour would have been nice, but… – When I came in, they were all in the kitchen. So I said “Hello” and got the usual flat and whiney “hello” from Bobo, and a “How are you today?” from HLS. I simply announced that I’d done the “thank you” to Dan and came up to the room. – I’m looking forward to getting back to bed. It’s a nice evening for sleep… although, it would be a nicer evening if I had a drink. – 24.06 6 jelly donuts, a chco milk after the noodles. Just now a mug of tea and some doggie bits and off to bed.

Thu.23.Jul:
HOME
7.04 Off to a smoke and another fucking day. – My fucking lung hurts. But… no time to dwell on that. – I need to get smokes. The garden needs weeding. There are chores to be done. The sun is trying to burn the clouds away. And I feel like total shit this morning. Well… poor diet again. Oh, its just lovely… having been given another day. Fukkall. – 9.59 and out the door to the garden we go! (I hope.) – 16.21 Just back from the dép. Fontaine was funny: “You’re late!” he says. And well, indeed, I was. It was about 15.30! But he was a bit chatty and we talked briefly about cigarettes Canadian v. US and he ended with “But it’s not good for the health.” A bit of a smile and I was off. The crossing is in full swing now and there’s all sorts of gates and such. A shame, really. No more “little crossings”. The world is a complete shit. – The car… I DO believe there’s another bearing job coming. May MY job be coming soon! And the car is eating gas like the folks in this pit eat food! WOW! Almost 1/8th tank to get there and back! I’m going for only 50-something miles for the quarter tank! I don’t know. This car has to get me to work soon and then back to NY! Or, as I thought on the return from HOME… it’s nice weather to just “go”. – Anyway, 2 packs of smokes. I have to be frugal. I checked the account before leaving. Good thing I did. I’d forgotten that I’d gone to the dép on Saturday! I didn’t have as much in the account as I’d thought! But, I got 2 more packs. Smoke with care. – As I was leaving, the freak was putting dinner on. I return and they’re having pasta. I can smell the sauce cooking, and the table is set… for 3. – 16.31 and I’m ready for a nap! Hungry too. Nothing but some grits to eat in here. I have a tea steeping, with much sugar. – A nap… – 17.20 Napped. I think I heard HLS page me. But of course, I didn’t respond. I don’t know if it was to join them for dinner, but it makes no difference. I wouldn’t eat with them anyway. – Speaking of which: I put in about 5hours on the garden today. Adam took the hedge-hog or what-ever they call it, to the empty part of the garden and got some of the row of radishes. So I got that weeded and cleaned, then went on to the squash and pumpkins. That needs to be hayed now. And then.. over to the spinach which is coming up nicely. But Jacquie called me in for “lunch”. 2 tuna or chicken salad sandwiches (that’s going to be “it” for food for the next few days). She offered beet greens but I said I don’t cook over here… she offered her kitchen! In fact, she left me some more chicken salad, some burger meat and told me to come cook over there to eat! CA CE PEUT TU? I wonder if I dare to do so. I wonder. Anyway, there we have it. – I still have to get over there to fix the plumbing in the back. She has the parts, I need to put them together in the ditch. And there are 6 or 8 tyres in the basement than have to come up. A dresser in the front hall that needs to be moved to that back room. Things to be done over there. I need to get them done too… while I have the health to do this work. (My left lung actually feels as if there’s quite the “something” in it. 6 months from now would put me into January. And, oh by the way, Cecil would have been 69 years old today. How about that?) – Well then. Just drank my WAY-OVER-SUGARED Earl Grey and I hear them stirring down below. I suppose that means I can get me over to the garden to put the beans under the cages (as I’ve started). No tossing hay though. I’m showered now and will not be doing so again until tomorrow at the earliest. – Hopefully the sugar in the tea holds me for a while. Then… “sleepy-night-night” time… soon. – 23.12 Mug of creamer with sugar earlier and now… to bed.

Fri.24.Jul: 6.11 I woke at 5.55, before the 6.00 alarm, to a delightfully rainy morning, this. Good for the crops, bad for the agenda. Hopefully, it will stop soon enough to get out and get some things done out-side. Oh well. – Pressure on that lung this morning. Headache. Last night’s sugar over-dose? Who knows? But before I fell asleep last night I thought that, if I have 6 bucks on the FS, I can get more Ramen for the rest of the month. Whoopie! More Ramen. Ick. But it’s something. – There’s that stench coming though the door again last night and this morning. Stench. Wow, do I want out of this pit. Shame though. Nobody’ll attend to the house after me. Not my monkey. Not my circus. Let ‘er rip. – 10.20 I fell back to sleep at 8.00 and just woke again. Had some strange DREAM:
It was dark, some-how. I was in a back yard doing some kind of yard work or something and a Muslim came in and walked right over to a picnic table and sat to eat some food he’d brought with. A stranger, who made himself ever so comfortable there. When I asked, sarcastically, if he needed anything, he snapped some comment about needing nothing because all he needed would be provided. The dream switched to inside the house where again, I was working, cleaning and doing laundry or something. (The entire dream was rather ambiguous.) He stood by me as I sorted the clean laundry and I asked, sarcastically again because I resented his having taken advantage of every one and thing, if he needed linens. He snapped “No. They’re probably not acceptable anyway.” I simply said “I asked only if you needed linens.” and he replied “No. And if we need, we are to ask. We have the right to ask for anything we need when we come to a strange place, up to 20 dollars we are entitled to from each person we meet.” I was pissed, but there were others there who seemed to be in agreement with him (the others were family of mine some-how). To take the edge off, I feigned some sort of gratitude to him saying that he’d inspired me to return to my art-work and showed him a note book containing some kind of writings from a book which I’d illustrated. (Now that I think about it, Jacquie had talked about wanting to write a children’s book based on something from her child-hood and she wanted an illustrator. Hmmm…) But the “illustrations” were colour copies of other pictures. I noticed it. He did not. He smiled, put his hand on my shoulder and smiled, rather proud of himself and was most congratulatory toward me. And suddenly, as he turned to me, he was no longer wearing the “sheet” round his head, and was a charming and good-looking young man. Up until that point, I’d only barely seen him from the side or back and only saw the dark, scragly beard. I woke.
OK then. Right now I’m having trouble typing. Something must have bitten my middle finger, right hand, as I weeded, bare-handedly, yesterday. This is the second time this has happened, but this morning, the finger is a bit swollen and painful. Well… I have things to get done and it seems the rains have stopped. There are tyres in Jacquie’s basement that need to be brought up, tilling between the corn that needs to be done and the beets have to be thinned. – OH. THE BEETS! I WAS GOING TO NOTE LAST NIGHT BUT DIDN’T: I asked HLS if they ate beet greens and was told “yes”. So I said “How many would you like? The answer:
“Oh, a bundle of about this much (indicating a large bundle diametre with his hands). Large enough for three people.”
THREE PEOPLE! Once again, I do the work, THEY feel “entitled” to the fruits of MY labour! Indeed… I MUST get the actual fuck out of and away from this place. – And now… to check the weather and some soc.med. and get on with this day. One day, the shit will hit the fucking fan.. and I’ll saunter slowly and peacefully away. – 12.01 and I’m heaidng out! – 20.57 WOW! ACCOMPLISHED! AND JUST GETTING ONTO BED! ALMOST 8 HOURS OF WORK TODAY! THE GARDEN… IS COMPLETELY WEEDED… COMPLETELY! AND THE HAY IS ALL DOWN. THE BLACK RUNNERS BETWEEN ROWS ARE SWEPT (although I wonder, since “little Patrick” likes to play in the dirt in the garden, as I noted whilst I was weeding the carrots and his “daddy” watched… the little fuck… both of them.) AND… I got the tyres (7 of them) out of the cellar (spider webs and all on the ceiling down there). I made me a tiny sandwich with the left-over chicken salad and extra mayo… and helped me to a little ice cream after. Hey… run of the kitchen… and HUNGER!!! But no beer. There wasn’t any. Tomorrow, I’ll go to fix the plumbing, have the burger and bring a little jar for a mixture of booze (I do believe). But for now… SHOWERED and feeling ACCOMPLISHED. I even took photos of the garden which I will have to browse, check and include. – When I came in this evening, everyone was in the parlour. A cordial greeting and some chitting and chatting. Bobo’s put a new decal on the front window of the car… his little tattoo of Lyle’s name. How sweet. Right. I looked. – Then, as I came in from my smoke, he came out. I told him that he could see the garden from the back yard now. He went. Looked. “Looks nice.” No clue. These people have NO clue. Oh well… dumbasses. I’ll post to the soc.med. Photos of the garden, a little blurb… on “public”. Good enough. – Put a coat of black enamel on the inside of the old tool box. I got the paint from the box of cans from Jacquie. Hey! I asked for those. She said “OK”. I’m not sure I like the black. Red or the original Hunter Green would have been nice but… black it is. Tomorrow I’ll brush the silver bits again. Give them a clear coat and then tape to paint the rest of the box. Then… I’ll have a tool box… an OLD tool box… metal and all… reclaimed. Yay me. – For now though, I could use a beer or drink but there’s none to be had and the store is closed so… I’ll just make do with water and aspirin. – The freak has the fucking phone volume up again. Tarp on the door. I’ll be out of here before they wake tomorrow anyway. There’s the back-yard plumbing to be done over there and then perhaps the raspberry bushes. The file cabinet needs to be moved to the dining room, a chest of drawers to the back room, the desk to the porch and DONE. I do believe I’ve worked my 150 and more. (I’m pondering a “Letter of Reference” from Jacquie, for the PO… just for shits and giggle. A “reference” from Vermont. – OH! The little fellow who rents from Jacquie knows that I’m planning on going back to NY. I wonder how THAT news got around already. Tuesday should be interesting to see if that word got to Highgate. Oh well… I don’t give a fuck. – 21.29 and I’m catching up with Monday and… HOWLING AND BARKING! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? Jacquie would like me to take those rooms in her house, but … aside from the darkness… I do love Hallie, but even today I decided I will NOT move into another place with pets. *I* will not take the responsibility of somebody else’s and I will NOT be so bothered by the bullshit barking again! (Bad enough I have that damned cocker-spaniel parking outside my door and funking-up the air with stench.)

Sat.25.Jul: 1.18 and alarm set for 8.00!!! Off to sleep I hope! – 7.51 Up and about bfore the 8.15 alarm to a sunny morning. And, Bobo and the freak are awake, in the kitchen. Ellie is being trimmed already this morning. – I feel a bit like shit this morning. But that’s no wonder, considering all the work put in yesterday on a sandwich and a couple spoons of ice cream. Although, last night, I did get ONE slice of banana bread too, ca ce peut tu? Oh well, indeed. – A few things on the agenda: the plumbing, move the chest of drawers from foyer to the back room, empty the desk and move it to the porch, file cabinet from the room to the dining room… remove the rosa rugosa to… I don’t know where I want to put them just yet. (Well, I DO know where I want to move them but that’s not happening today. I want to put them at the corner by the “wood pile”. But I don’t want it so that it’s noticeable. That will probably need to wait until Monday, but that’s no trouble.) And when that’s all done, the rest will be left up to Jacquie because it’s a matter of going through things of her’s. Yes, indeed… the 150 is being worked off well. – For now, for me: some kind of something in the left nostril. It’s a bit tender and painful to the touch. No doubt, something up there from the weeding, and the dust and such. My chest is tight this morning. My legs, too, are a bit on the painful side. But… we move along. – I did mention the pains and such to “Pamela” last night. So one person on Earth knows. It won’t make any difference to anybody. But… – And now, I’m just waiting until 10.00 so that the world can wake up and I can get busy. I’d like to have everything done by end of day today. Thankfully, the garden is done. Oh… and I can put the second coat of black on the tool box today! I hope this turns out well enough. – 9.35 and time to get the actual fuck out of here! Apparently they’re expecting “company” this morning… how charming. The Hoover is going, there’s all sorts of activity. Meanwhile, I’m leaving this room as it is… fuck them. Pee in the bottles and all. And in a moment… up, dress in filthy clothes and out the door. Not that I’m feeling particularly well this morning… but I’d rather NOT be in here much longer. TIME TO GO! – 18.35 And GO I did and worked round Jacquie’s until almost 16.45! SHOWERED and having a BEER, thank you Jacquie. And will get to the day’s accomplishments shortly… I think. 105,7 ROUGE on the radio too…. RADIO! Ca ce peut tu? – 21.59 In bed at last! With “Marie-moi” on the iPod tonight and I am THRILLED! – And a thought from “Tony Muscle”:
There’s a force that knows what it is that we need, and it arranges for that to be available to us.
He said this when he got a much-needed cell phone in the Shelter. Tonight, I have a case FULL of art supplies, thanks to Cecil and Jacquie and the work I did today. Now, I must use these “gifts” properly. Not only for me, but for Cecil, whom I thank with heart and soul.
The day… well? Indeed, I was out the door round about 10.00 to find that idiot over there with the weed-wacker going all round the garden. Why? I don’t know. But he did. Yes, it looks cleaner over by the tomato cages, but he made a right mess of the garden… he, and his missy and their brat. But I went directly into the house and got straight to work. Today, the chest of drawers has been moved from the foyer into the back room, the desk from the front room is now on the porch, and the file cabinet from that room is out in the “dining room” where Jacquie said she wanted it. The HEAVY work is done! So too, for the most part, the rooms. I even sorted and boxed the papers and doo-dads and put them into the front room so they’re all together in one place. Then, I Hoovered the rooms and the hall to make it all a little neater and cleaner. Work done, I hit the burger Jacquie had left in the fridge. Cooked almost raw… (AND I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I DIDN’T CLEAN THE SKILLET AND IT’S SOAKING IN WATER!!!! SHIT!!!!) but it was delicious that way. Not nearly enough to call a “meal” and certainly not enough to compensate for the work, but delicious! Next, out to the pit to fix the plumbing… which… sadly… didn’t work. It still leaks. I’ll have to go back tomorrow… to fix the plumbing and to clean the skillet and hope it doesn’t rust! – I also managed to put 3 coats of paint on the old tool box! 1 coat flat black, 1 coat gloss black and 1 coat clear. The box is on the table in the back barn and the inset is hanging from the ceiling. Hopefully, but tomorrow morning, it will have “cured”. It didn’t turn out too badly either. One more coat of clear and it will be DONE! – Chatted a bit with Sue at the PO. The “C” has hired a rural carrier to take her place so she’ll be back in Richford and not covering here any longer. Sadly. But better for her and I’m glad about that. – At about 16.00 or so, I came back into the house to find the freak standing, staring at the front door… “to keep the dogs from barking”. 2 “married” fellows from The Kingdom were coming over. Ah… THAT’S why Bobo went out to weed-wack the yard, and the house was all a-flutter this morning with Hoovering and cleaning and such! I KNEW it wasn’t simply because the place needed to be cleaned. Honestly… these people are slobs until somebody is about to arrive. – Well… me? I went directly to the shower straight away whilst there was the opportunity and when I came out… the “guests” had arrived. (They’re ensconced in their tent in the back yard at present… down in an area that’s not exactly the driest, but out of sight of the house. The night is so nice tonight, I wouldn’t mind being out there m’self… save for the threat of rain during the night.) Anyway, I was in the room, going through the art supplies when Bobo came to give “the tour”. Not that I minded at that point. The room was “neat” and I was showered and they didn’t stay long. – With them gone, I had a beer and a “snack” of the dog bits. That’s all there is to be eaten these days. Thank you again, Jacquie. And imagine: I’m eating dog food again. Oh well. – So I got the art supplies organised and got rid of that “box” I’d packed things into. The water-colours and calligraphy are in the case of Cecil, acrylics and such in the little back-pack. Pads of paper are flattening on the floor. THEY will be a challenge to pack. But, in due course to be sure. – A bit of soc.med. with my 2 beers that I brought back to the house (they too, will have to go back to Jacquie’s before she gets home tomorrow… along with more work on the plumbing situation) and that pretty much covers this evening up to the point of the radio playing “Marie-moi” and me finding a nice, clean copy of it on-line and putting it to the iPod. – Oh… at one point this evening, I imagine when the 4 of “them” went out to the tent for “hoopla”, I heard the freak HOLLER at Ellie. She, no doubt, was howling. Well! Ca ce peut tu? It FINALLY annoyed the little fuktard! Ah… but that’s primarily because… well… his little heart-throb was out having a trist in the back yard with somebody else… and on a Saturday evening when the 3 of them should have been sucking round the camp-fire. Alas… poor little shit. Not. HE was in bed so early this evening. Tantrum time! Should be of interest to see what develops from this now. If I’m asked to assist with a toss-out, I just might this time… Might. – That all said and done, the fan is on, the room is cooling a touch. The “guests” are in their tent in the yard. The Mistresses of the house are in the parlour viewing DVD or something. The freak is across the hall on the phone, texting or something and all is… as it is. – Tomorrow, I MUST get over to the house to work on the plumbing AND the skillet! (I’d go for the skillet now, but those little shits up-stairs…) Almost forgot to mention: their fuktard brat child threw dirt BACK into the pit! Not to mention, the garden which I’d left tidy, now has a little waggon of weeds sitting there, the broom is mid-garden and it looks a right mess. I’m so glad I took photos right after I finished last evening as proof. I might mention the dirt in the ditch to Jacquie though. We’ll see. – Well… that wraps the night. I’m off to a quick browse and hopefully to a quick sleep and a bright wake early… EARLY in the morning.

Sun.26.Jul: 6.49 I am awake… the freak is awake AND on the back porch sorting through boxes AND the 2 fellows from the tent are at table in the kitchen whilst Bobo cuts potatoes for breakfast and talks about me… I over-heard as I came up the stairs “Yeah, when he worked at the post office he had to … “ Talking about me… I know this can’t be good. Funny, as it were, but from the way he speaks of Val, I know what’s being said about me. But.. I take comfort in knowing that the town, though it hates me, knows that the work done round this place is done by me. Even in the store. Ah… how I look forward to the day when I’m not here to do the work, and the talk that will go round the town then. – I had the alarm set for 7.15… I’d planned on getting to work on the plumbing this morning. It’s raining. No pit-diving this morning. But I have to get over and clean that skillet. I wish I could think of something else to do over there, but I can’t, other than to measure the desk and drafting table to put them on-line for sale. Oh well… – Coffee is getting low. One more pack of smokes to last for… No food. No income. Another “tough times” rolling in. I must keep in mind: this too, shall, as previously, pass. – My nose is SO SORE this morning. Can’t figure that one out. Oh… the pains… an nobody knows… not that anybody would care. Of course. – 9.08 I AM FEELING SO FUCKING WEAK!!!! I MEAN… TRULY WEAK! BUT… off to clean the skillet, take measurements of desk and table and photos of the desk. The rains have stopped but I’m not going down that pit. As for the rest of the day? I’ve no idea. – The freak is emptying boxes on the back porch.. Never used bake-ware and all sorts of stuff that’s been packed since the day it was purchased. Shopping addicts. The lot of them! Thank goodness I’ve got one car-load. – And… all morning, that Mexishit has been yipping. I HOPE HLS puts the law down… It’s GOT to be an annoyance for somebody who doesn’t get to sleep until the wee hours of the morning. – Oh well.. time to distract me from not being well. – 10.16 WELL! Got the skillet cleaned and dried. Measurements for table and desk. All’s well where that’s concerned. I did not and am not and will not go into the pit to work on the plumbing. Not today in the mud and rain. – I see that Jacquie’s tenants now have a puppy! MORE ANIMALS in that house! WELL THEN! THAT settles THAT: NOT, NO WAY, NO HOW moving into there! Barking, shitting, pissing and the likes. bad enough THIS morning was one constant yip-fest. AND… the freak picked up the shit from the yard yesterday ONLY because somebody came to visit. NO! No more “pets”. Now I wonder: What will be left of the garden between now and “harvest”? It will be interesting to see. – Meanwhile, I am trying some “hot soak grits” with sugar and creamer, hoping that that will help with the horrid feeling over-all. (10.22 and once again, for no reason… tipping and howling… Mexishit and Cockhead spaniel… FUCK ME I WANT OUT AND AWAY FROM THIS HOLE!) The grits is… well… gritty. But hopefully it will help with the hunger. If not? Oh well… not the first time. – And for the rest of the day? I think I’ll be taking a nap soon. Not so much because I’m tired, as much as conserving what little energy I have left. – Oh… put the last coat of clear on the tool box too. In this weather, it will absolutely take the day to dry and then some to “cure”. But that’s OK. No emergency need at the moment. Then, re-condition the leather handle some-how and it’s a done deal. – Meanwhile… to get the photos of the desk off the phone, get this all together and ready to post for Jacquie. If I had her gmail account info, as I probably should have, I could post this morning. But… (Chances are, SHE doesn’t have the info either and this will take the creation of another e-mail account… I’ve no doubt.) – People… annoying. – 13.01 Just up from a 2-our nap. Not that I wanted to wake up… but I have. – 22.57 Just in from an evening at Jacquie’s visiting with Karey and Jeff and having tea…

***** I GOT LOCKED OUT TONIGHT! PORCH DOOR LATCHED! HOW FORTUNATE THAT I HAVE THE LITTLE MAG LITE ON THE KEYS AND I’D PUT THE “SHEMA” INTO MY P.O. I.D. SLEEVE ON THE KEYS AS THAT’S WHAT UN-LATCHED THE PORCH DOOR! 22.30, STANDING OUT ON THE BACK PORCH WITH THE CAR AS THE ONLY PLACE TO GO TO AND IN THIS TOWN, I’M CERTAIN, THAT WOULD HAVE LED INTO SOME INCIDENT THAT I DO NOT WANT TO BECOME INVOVLED IN! HONESTLY. CURFEW? WHAT THE ACTUL FUCK? THEY DON’T KNOW THAT I’M NOT IN THE ROOM? LATCH THE DOOR? WHAT? MORE REASON TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. I HEADED BACK TO JACQUIE’S, THINKING I MIGHT BE ABLE TO SACK-OUT ON THE LITTLE BED IN THE BACK ROOM. BUT BY THE TIME I’D GOTTEN THERE (ONLY MOMENTS AFTER LEAVING) ONLY THE LIVING-ROOM LIGHTS WERE STILL ON AND I KNOW SHE WAS TIRED. CA CE PEUT TU? FUCK! *****

But anyway… that said and out of the way… It was a horrible day all day today. Malnutrition took a toll. My nose is sore as if there’s some kind of infection in it or my teeth are rotting. I had ginger tea with sugar and creamer to kill the hunger and a HUGE portion of dog food. Dog food! Oh well… it’s been worse… times when I didn’t even have that much. Why I even bother… well… right now, it’s to help finish the house for Jacquie. But other-wise. – I now have the tool box filled. The room smells of the pain fumes though. But it functions and well, it’s a tool box instead of that little sack. And the drill fits in it. I have a drill again! So happy about that! – Jacquie came to the house round about 18.30. She was quite surprised by the furniture having been moved. And thrilled. So I went over for what was to be a beer. She gave me another 50!!! I CAN EAT TOMORROW MORNING! AND GET A PACK OF SMOKES DURING THE WEEK! I’M ACTUALLY IN AWE. I DIDN’T EXPECT IT AND APPRECIATE IT MORE THAN ANYONE COULD EVER KNOW. FOOD! THEN… We strolled the garden and found more radishes AND CUCUMBERS! Had I known about the cucumbers, I could have had them today. Oh well.. The radishes and one cucumber is still over there, I forgot to bring them. Oh well. I don’t really want all those radishes, but I’ll be damned if these sucktards will get the cucumber! I will eat that! And more, at this juncture! Lock me out. Ben câlisse de la marde, les tapettes méchant! So anyway, Jacquie and I had 2 cucumbers and at about 21.15, Karey and Jeff rang and walked over. We all sat and chatted a bit. It was delightful to “socialise” a bit. I was SO tired (and am wound now from the “break-in”) but it was nice. – When we all left, we walked up the street and because we were talking, Dixie got to “their” bed-room window and started barking. Hey… not my problem. The dogs were OBNOXIOUS ALL FUCKING DAY TODAY TOO! BARKING AND HOWLING AND SUCH! But, I tried to calm her down from the street… a bit. Jeff thanked me for helping Jacquie. There ARE people who appreciate things we do. And that too is a great help at this time, for me. – They left me and I came to the back door, expecting the inside door to be locked but NOT the latch on the porch door! Well, I’ve already gone into that. – So now… it’s time… I tried to get this posted to the blog today but there’s a day that seems to be missing. So I have to review these 15 pages here and get this done. – I wish I hadn’t forgotten the cucumber though. I’m really rather hungry… and no, I will NOT drive into Enosburgh tonight. I’ll get up early tomorrow morning and grab a bo of cereal and some milk for breakfast. –

23.29 TRYING TO GET THIS POSTED TO THE FUCKING BLOG AND WORDPRESS IS BACK TO FUCKING ABOUT! I DON’T KNOW HOW PEOPLE CAN ACTULLY MAINTAIN A FUCKING SITE ON THIS SHIT!

Mon.27.Jul: 7.44 So… the work-wash is in the machine. I’m already in jeans. And this morning I can afford to get food but… I’m not hungry and can’t decide what to eat. I know I must eat. But I can’t think of what I want or should have. Typical “me”. So I’m waiting for the wash to finish and when I put it on the line, I’ll hopefully have decided. – WARM this morning. Hazy sun. And an agenda… I can’t recall what, but there are things that will be done, beginning at about 10.00. – My nose is still sore. I probably stink of “musty”. But it’s another day… in “Paradise”? – 8.53 WHERE the fuck did the morning go to? The wash is now on the line and I’m having rice crispies with choco milk. AT LAST! But I’ve got only about an hour before having to get out. Time… and food… – 19.51 UN-winding and waiting for Jacquie to come past the house between 20.00-20.30. – It was almost a “do nothing” day at last! The car and truck went across the road for the tyre changes. Karey came by this morning and we all went over to look at the house on the Square rd. WHAT a fucking MESS! I will NEVER understand how people can ruin a rented place! NEVER! That little house COULD have been cute… nothing that I’d like to live in, necessarily, but it has potential. But it’s a total MESS! The back yard looks like a hillbilly vomited parts and bullshit all over it. The 2-car garage is strewn with clothing and toys and such. The inside rooms are littered with papers, books, MATTRESSES, and the likes. It’s a disastre! Maybe 6 dumpsters to clean the place up and then there’s painting and wall covering and carpeting… and to thing, just 5 years ago, Jacquie spent 30k on it! WOW! Horrid! She took photos. I hope she uses them for her own benefit. As I told HLS after, when I came in to change into the clean gardening clothes (fresh off the line, clean today): I’m not one for such things, but I really think she should go after them with her all. He (HLS) rang the sheriff’s department to see what could be done. Sadly, here, in VT, it’s only a “civil” matter that has to be brought to court. This state is insane. But then again, any place out-side NYC is stupid when it comes to housing issues. – So Karey went back to her house here, Jacquie and I went to sit at Dick Wright so Jacquie could talk to the potential new tenant. A “car salesman” all round. Personality and all. But he’s giving her the “I’m ready to attack the place. I have 10 volunteers who can take care of it in about a week with the dumpster. My father’s a contractor. A 50 gallon bucket of ‘elbow grease’.” etc. I wonder… I don’t trust him… But then again… I trust no one anyway. – And so, back to the house where we had a BLT with L&T from the garden! And green iced-tea. Refreshing. – Then we (I) got the table and desk posted to the Crgslst AND made a mailing list for Jacquie’s e-mail for the religious goods she peddles. She was thrilled. (Me too, matter of fact.) – Sorted through some socks and such. And she was off to dinner at Karey/Jeff’s but she sent me along with broccoli salad and beet salad! FOOD! GOOD FOOD! – I stopped at the store, got cheese curds for the salads, 2 Whoopie pies and a back of crisps. (8 fucking $ cash). And came into the house to eat… at about 18.30 or so. – Ate, and am feeling SO much better. But Jacquie’s got a phone call with her kids at 20.30 and doesn’t want to be alone. She said that Karey offered to be with her, but if Karey won’t, she’s hoping I’ll be there. So even though I could really go to sleep about now… in this heat and humidity, I’m waiting until at least 20.45. – 21.11 Just up from the last smoke to the hot and humid bed. No Jacquie. I checked the house… lights are on. So she made it. I’m rather glad I didn’t have to go. – I ate the cucumber from the garden. I’m feeling quite better now. Veggies. My diet misses veggies and when I have them, I DO feel the difference. And, I’m quite glad that *I* had the cuke. I just wish I’d gotten a bottle of tonic earlier. I’d like a soda right about now. But, there’s the week-end and I can get then. – Tomorrow is the interview. I’m almost rather looking forward to that. And after, Jacquie wants to go to Bedford… berry-picking and Barry and Metro. Me? I’m hoping to get to the banque, put the money in. I’ll need gas too, no doubt. The food money tonight was the gas money. Well. It was “gas”/fuel… for me… for tomorrow. – Oh… no shower tonight. I could use one, just to remove the humidity. But… – And a note: Some shit is working on a car in the garage across the road… body-work! banging and such… at this hour. Gee… I wonder what would happen if that were me. – OH! SPEAKING OF WHICH! Jacquie needed access to Cecil’s e-mail account today, the one they have with Franklin Tel. So I toddled over to the office to enquire about recovery. WELL! I walk in to find Kim at the desk in the back, the old Gates sitting at the counter and Burt behind… SHIRTLESS! HOW PROFESSIONAL! Fucking hicks. So I told Burt (at the desk) that I’m working with Jacquie on e-mails and wondered if she could get Cecil’s password. Well… Kim repeated, several times, quite rudely “I’ll have to talk with Jacquie directly.” “Oh, you have it then?” “I’ll have to talk with Jacquie directly.” “OK. I’ll tell her.” and I walked out. Just as I was closing the door behind me I heard old Gates say “Thank you.” Are you fucking kidding me? NONE of you turds EVER said “thank you” to me for ANYTHING… even when I worked in the PO! I should thank YOU? Fuck no! Thank ANYBODY in this town? Not in THIS life-time. So anyway, I went back to the house, told Jacquie. She rang Kim and… well indeed… got the password. So the tel.co. KNOWS these things! Imagine! I wonder how much else they know… les méchants maudite!

Tue.28.Jul:
HOME WITH JACQUIE and CIBC
6.19 There”s a golden sun pouring in through the window this morning. And a clear blue sky out there. It must have poured down with rain through the night because everything is drenched. The temperatures out-side are cool. And I woke before the 6.00 alarm. – Last night, just before 22.00, HLS came to the door for a smoke. I’d just come back up from my last and said so. Indeed, a bit disappointing, but I didn’t go for another. Instead, I went to sleep. And…having eaten rather well, sleep is what I did. Good. Getting back on a “normal” routine of sleep’n’wake. I hope. And even my nose is pain-free this morning. So… perhaps this is a “good” morning after all. And, after all, this is “interview” day. Now, my anxieties focus round the car and the hopes that it runs well for today’s necessities. Although, Jacquie, for some reason, offered the truck. It amazes me, rather, that now, it seems, there’s a room to go to, should I need, and a vehicle, should I need. Other people would delight in this. It causes me concerns and anxieties. “What is lurking in the future?” I wonder. When things turn well, I worry… Will they become necessary? – Only time will tell. – Meanwhile, we roll with what comes until… – A “new day”… and an “old me”. – (on Wednesday morning) WHAT A DAY! – First of all, the interview. I showered this morning, scrubbed clean and black trousers, blue shirt and out the door just before 10.00. I arrived at the Highgate Ctr. PO at 10.07! TOO early. So I drove up to the end of the St-Armand Rd. to waste time and got back and was in the office at 10.25. Now there was timing! Jen was at the counter and wall was well enough but the C. made me wait until just after 10.30. All cheerie, she asked for my ID… license and passport, which she dutifully copied (Dan didn’t ask for that) and then,, as I looked, there. on a case, sat the fucking COW… Stacie Gregoire! Well, fine. Of course, for the C’s first interviewings, she would be there. It all seemed to go well enough, the process moved right along with the signing and info and such. The C. ran through the requirements, per protocol and THEN she interrogated me on my PO Box application: Why Church St.! What? WHAT? So I told her that I have a lease (I do) and that I’d had to change at the time because I was to lose my housing in Franklin “as you and I had discussed”, which we had done. I told her that I’d had an incident with Border Patrol about “legal and permanent address” and I was following “the Fed” advice. Well, I doubt that’s going to go over well. But it was friendly enough. She did, how-ever, stress the 56 hours AND THAT IT COULD BE WOKRING 3 DIFFERENT OFFICES AND ALL WITH-IN THE 50-MILE RADIUS. I’ve got a feeling I won’t get the Sheldon office back, and that she’ll be shoving me into offices all around the state… IF I GET THE JOB AT ALL! – When I left, a mere 20 minutes later, all I could see was the status page and an e-mail reading “Disqualified”. The depression smacked me in the head as I drove back. – If that”s the case… BDM time! I can’t… CAN NOT tolerate this shit from her. CAN NOT! She’s pulling her shit already. Well… she’s probably my “ticket out” of Life. No job? No life. She wants to be that miserable? Fine. Thanks for the murder… QUNT! – When I got back to the house, I stopped to chat about it with HLS (with the freak in the room) and of course, had to listen to “I’d just… “ etc. I made the best of it, with my own take on the matter. Came up to the room to change into jeans, planning on a “clean” day over at Jacquie’s. We were planning on going HOME to pick framboises today anyway. And… I was off and out the door. – Got to Jacquie’s at about noon, or shortly there-after. She was, as always, happy that I made it. – (on Thursday morning) So… let’s see now: There were, of course, things to be done over at Jacquie’s today and we got right to it, slowly. It got to be round about 13.30 or so when Jacquie decided that yes, we would go berry-picking and I asked if we could stop at the banque, since we would be in the area anyway. She wasn’t too thrilled about it, but agreed and so, round about 14.30 or so…. WE WERE OFF AND ON THE ROAD! – Ah… the most fun part was when we got t the border. M. Fontaine was there and when we pulled up, he took the passports and looked into the truck with a rather surprised look when he saw ME! He said “You’re going to get cigarettes?” and asked Jacquie where she was going. But it was the recognition that was heart-warming. And… of course… we were off. I showed Jacquie the “short-cut” into town… not that she was paying much attention. And yes, indeed, we stopped briefly at CIBC where I bolted in, put in 40 of my 50 an actually got the 50! Good exchange. And the nice teller was so sweet, as usual. They usually are quite wonderful. (Honestly, it’s so nice… it IS rather “HOME” there… unlike in Fuklin where it’s usually miserable. It’s good for the soul to be amongst civil people.) – Banquing done… OFF to Stanbridge! – The berry-picking was a delight. Hot, and humid, but a delight. Jacquie took a row of bushes, I took another. Buckets attached at waist and away we went, chatting about all sorts of things as we picked. Almost 2 hours of picking and did we ever get MANY berries. So much so, in fact, that I had to eat about a half bucket! Fresh framboises! DEELISH! (Of course, I enjoy just about ANYTHING I can get to eat. Normal, for me… food… no matter what, is enjoyable. And fresh fruits! How unique!) – Well then, after the picking, Jacquie decided to take a little drive through Stanbridge est! WHAT A BEAUTIFUL little town! AND… they have a “Stop” sign or two! “STOP” not “ARRET”! VERY English over there and SO beautiful! I was in Heaven, seeing even MORE of the place I’ve always thought of as “HOME”. We stopped at the dép because Jacquie wanted to know if they had sandwiches and me? I popped in to get smokes… AT 1$ CHEAPER THAN IN BEDFORD! I was rather quite happy about that! And I chatted with the young lady there. She lives in St-Armand, not far from the border, speaks English ever so well. Ah… new experience! And fun! – A loop through Standbridge est, Jacquie telling of what it was like when she was young. I asked if she’d ever considered going back to what actually IS her “HOME”. What a shame that she’d now have to “immigrate” back. How sad, how silly. And we were off to Barry… – Two small poutines and a smoked meat sandwich which we shared! POUTINE AND SMOKED MEAT!!! WOW! TALK ABOUT “HOME”!!! (although the smoked meat there is rather strange… but it was WONDERFUL! And being with somebody familiar with it made it all the better! That and FOOD! EATING! ME! CA CE PEUT TU?) – After the nosh, we strolled over to Metro where I got more noodles and some yoghurt and they had only ONE “50” which Jacquie suggested I get… and I did. She got “Coffee Crisp” ice cream and a yoghurt and curds to make poutine at the house. And again, how wonderful to be with somebody who simply fell into place. It was a pure delight. – The return across the border was a snap. SO nice to be with some-one who speaks French, knows the area and passes along. – Back at the house, we had the ice cream which actually DOES taste like “Coffee Crisp”, and has bits of the candy in it! SO SO GOOD! (And me… no freezer! Fuck me!) We chatted a touch and I helped by finding some files on the computer. I left at about 20.45 so as “not to get locked-out again”. But what a most wonderful experience! SO WONDERFUL! – I brought a container of framboises over to the pit and actually gave it to HLS who was sitting alone in the parlour. Welll, of course, HALF of the container was GONE, DEVOURED before it went to the fridge. Feeding time. Food is always a great thing to toss to the animals. We went out for a smoke and then sat briefly for a chat and HLS munched more radishes from the garden… just feed and all’s well. – But 21.30 I was IN bed! Had the “50”, and I was hungry so I finished the little bag of crisps from next door and had a sleeve of “au Caramel”. – Time for “seepie-nigh-night” and the close of a truly SUPER day!

Wed.29.Jul: 6.23 HOT! HUMID! Sour stomach. Not well at all. Just NOT well, at all. – 9.13 HAD to take a nap at 8.00!!!~ HAD to! Still exhausted! But must get to Jacquie’s for a while. SO TIRED! though. – 12.05 HOT HOT HOT HUMID HUMID HUMID and according to the weather. the Humidex here is supposed to be 104°F and in Lafayette LA… 105°F! OK! Not much “doing” today! No sireee! But I got Jacquie’s religious order out this morning. She left me in the house alone and went on her errands. I jotted a quick “Thank You” to the Qunt and posted it form the PO here. So that’s accomplished. And now, I’m going to try to paint a little “FREE” sign for the table at Jacquie’s. Nothing strenuous today… non, pantoute! – 20.26 Just waiting for the shower… ca ce peut tu? – (on Thursday morning) I got the shower at about 22.30, at long last. I was almost tempted to pass on it but I decided that I would NOT go to bed with the day’s sweat. Besides, I mowed… in the HEAT and HUMIDITY! I deserved at LEAST, a quick shower and so I took! Fuck. If that freak can shower for “an appointment”, I most certainly can! – So, the day. – Yes, I did paint the little sign. I’m not THRILLED with it, but it was quick and easy and not too bad at all. Colourful, indeed. – I went back to the house at about 16.00 to talk with Hallie and to let her out for a bit. She’s so precious when she sees me. But the poor dear… in this HEAT and HUMIDITY! Makes my heart ache for her. – Since there was really nothing for me to do there (I was going to wash the walls in prep for the primer but realised that, with all the humidity, they wouldn’t dry properly for the longest while, so I didn’t… not today), I noticed the beets in a bowl so I made the beet salad and had a couple of chunks of that. Then put the 2 franks into the skillet with water, to make certain they were COOKED! Fed Hallie, the dear, and had some of my “sirop d’érable” yoghurt that I’d gotten yesterday at the Metro. It’s actually quite good! AND… I got to sit at a table and eat… albeit not too comfy because Hallie needs some lessons in NOT being fed something from the table every time somebody sits to eat! It’s annoying. – Looking for some Teflon tape in the cupboard in the kitchen, I stumbled upon 2 Hummingbird feeders in there! So I took one and washed it. I’ll ask if I can put it up in the yard in the pit and get rid of the vodka bottle. We shall see. – After washing the skillet, I headed out to the garden for a bit with Hallie. “Kailah” or whom-ever from upstairs came in to cut beans and we chatted briefly as I put the cages over the lettuce to keep the bunnie away! And I “harvested” more radishes and 2 more cukes (which went to the pit-hold, as it were). – Well, when I got back to the pit this evening, their car was parked in the yard which had been mowed… how stupid to mow in this heat. A fog light had fallen off and Bobo was making repairs, parts and such about, and HLS was seated in the vehicle, re-re-adjusting the sound system. But what got to me was that the front bumper of the car is nothing but plastic but it took Bobo and the freak to bring it from the table to the car… but when I went to mow in front of the barn… I, ALONE, MOVED THE TABLE, BENCHES AND SWING. They’re SO SO SO terribly fucked-up in the head. It’s like being in a “Community Home”… with the retards. – Anyway, I gave them the radishes and 2 cukes. No “Thanks”, of course… they’re so “*ENTITLED*”… Fagtards! – AND I DID mow in front of the barn as the freak prepared their dinner and the other 2 pfutzed in and with the car. Fukkem. Just fukkem – By 20.26 I was back in… but… BUT… the freak was in the shower. “I have an appointment tomorrow.” BFD. Really. So I finished the “FREE” sign and, when done, toddled over to the house to hang it. Not too shoddy… not what I’d like, but it serves the purpose and looks a bit better than what was there. And… no sign of Jacquie! I hoped Hallie was OK in the house… poor little thing… alone like that. – So… had a bit of rice cereal with creamer, I ate one of the cukes that I’d “saved” for me. Refreshing. – It was about 22.30 when I FINALLY got to the shower. I was tempted to pass but after being soaked in sweat all day… I was NOT going to try for sleep all sticky. It was refreshing. I would have appreciated a beer at least tonight. SO HOT, HUMID AND ALMOST TOO HOT TO SLEEP! But there’s none… again. Maybe one of these days. – And, on a closing note: No word (at all) from the PO. But… at least I posted the mandatory “Thank you” to the Qunt. I maintain decorum… always. – Off to a bit of “browsing” before trying for sleep…. The fan is on FULL and it’s doing nothing but circulating hot, humid air. From freezing in Winter to roasting in Summer. Lovely… just lovely… NOT.

Thu.30.Jul: 0.02 Legs swollen. Hotter than Hell. Humid. But showered. Wanted a smoke. Going to bed! – 6.42 Sun is hazy. White wash is in. Up from a smoke. And my chest is HEAVY with anxieties. Oh! TO have time with-out the anxieties! But no, not me. Never. – At least the temperature isn’t miserably hot out there and the humidity is lower this morning. At least. – Why did I wake from sleep again today? – 7.43 The freak is up. My white wash is on the line and the pants are in the wash. Moving right along. When I hung my towel, the freak says “That’s a TOWEL? It’s a body towel!” I said “Yes. With the conversion, it was 7$US so on my last trip to IKEA with Viv, I got it. It’s not terry, but it serves the purpose.” Oh… no doubt, there’ll be talk about that. Pathetic. – 7.54 Onto the internet… and some-how… this shit lap-top is connected already! WTF? – 15.37 Just finished sweeping the room floor and getting things tidied again… AGAIN! Working at Jacquie’s and in the garden has kept me from doing things… – AND… THE TOOTH THAT CRACKED A WHILE BACK? BROKE! I WAS EATING COLD CHICKEN WITH JACQUIE AND I BIT DOWN ON SOMETHING HARD… IT WAS THE WHOLE SIDE OF THE CRACKED TOOTH! SO NO MORE SHARP EDGE. BUT NO MORE TOOTH EITHER. OH WELL. – Bobo just drove up. This day is shot here. But I want to go back over to Jacquie’s anyway… to let Hallie out and such. Poor thing… all alone and she’s not happy about that. – Anyway, it’s getting humid again. The rains came earlier, so there wasn’t anything to be done in the garden. And Jacquie and I both agreed that humid weather isn’t the best for washing the walls in that room. Still, I’ll HAVE to get them done soon! – But this morning’s wash is done. The one white polo shirt has schmutz on it! RE-wash tomorrow perhaps. Maybe I’ll do the bed linens tomorrow… depending on the weather and such. We shall see. But this morning was a bit of a wash-out so… Hey! I’m not complaining. SLOW DAYS! Almost a delight. I’m on the verge of exhausted. – So, that said and the room tidy… one more day until FOOD again. Although there’s quite a bit of it at Jacquie’s and she even offered to take out more for me for when she’s gone! Ca ce peut tu? – So I’m just lounging a bit before filling the hummingbird feeder from Jacquie and then? Back down the road a piece. Truth is… I’m a bit hungry anyway. – 21.30 In bed SHOWERED! And it’s miserably HOT in this room! Fresh out of the shower and sweating already. Oh well… soon enough it’ll be “freezing already”. Can’t be perfect. But it sort of is. – I DID put the new feeder up. Ever so nice. The rains came and went and the 3 of us were in the back yard for a while this evening. HLS even sat on the swing with me! Ca ce peut tu? When I mentioned the new feeder, the reply: “Oh.” So… when I go, it goes too. Fuck this place. – Went over to the garden, weeded the white radishes and romaine. Then a row of the beans in the cages. The folks from up-stairs at Jacquie’s were out. La-dee-dah. I worked. THE BEETS ARE COMING UP FOR HARVEST! I got about 20 (kept the nicer ones for “us” and gave about 10 or so to this pit). Brought them into the house, cleaned them a bit and then I ate. A bit of beet salad from the fridge with the goat cheese that Jacquie said she didn’t like. It was quite good together! I did the crook-neck squash that was still in the little pot. Just steamed and put butter on it. Well… I’m sure that several of them could be most wonderful because that little one was really quite delicious. Then, a bit more of my yoghurt and… that was that. – Kailah came down and we chatted about VT and NY and Franklin. She’s from down on the Stanley rd… (extension of the Swamp rd.) so she’s local. But she too agrees how people here, in town, are all related and talk terribly about one another. Oh well. It was a nice chat though. – Leaving Hallie is rather painful for me. She looks so forlorn. I could stay over there… and probably would if the “bed-room” smelled a bit better (and I could figure how to get on-line). One of these days, perhaps. (Hopefully not out of necessity?) – Well then… came back about 20.45 or so. HLS wasn’t “thrilled” about the beets. But I don’t give a shit about these folks. This is mostly peace offerings anyway at this juncture… to keep the situation at bay. – I “borrowed” a beer from the house for tonight. Tomorrow is my last day with-out food and such. I can’t wait til Saturday! Twisted Tea, perhaps Camels but… food! I’ve no noshes in the room… BUT… there’s a beer waiting. – Just turned the fan on me…full again tonight. A little better. – Odd, how, after a shower, the sneezing and runny nose. There MUST be something in this house that kicks that in. Next place… no pets. It’s another reason against moving into Jacquie’s. But… bridges. – Time to check the e-mails again to see if any word from the PO. A bit of browsing and to bed. Tomorrow… there’s MORE weeding and harvesting! Weather permitting… there’s wall-washing too. Always something to “do”…. unlike the folks in this place who have so much of nothing. I suppose I AM rather “blessed”.

Fri.31.Jul: 7.22 The sensation, the anxiety, the core feeling of “GO! MUST GO! GET OUT! GET AWAY!” Every morning. Every morning. GO! MOVE! Even in the relative serenity of the early morning. It tires me, even before the day commences. I’m tired. – One beer last night and suddenly, I was falling asleep sitting up. And this morning, I woke with foot/calf cramps at about 5.00. And then, slept through the 6.00 alarm. But, I’m awake now. Plan? By 9.00… into the room to wash the walls in that room. And perhaps try something to freshen the back room. Why? In case… just in case. – Anxieties. – A new, sunny, hot morning. – August… tomorrow. I want to vomit. I want to be dead. – 9.16 Just checking the USPS jobs… PINE HILL looking fro PSE. And I thought how I liked Pine Hill and how wonderful it… no… they’re all gone… ALL of them! Nobody’s left! The people, times, joys, everything… gone. And my head almost burst. And I was in some vacuum. Gone. More… gone. – 17.18 (Funny hour) DONE! SHOWERED! ALONE! I was out of the pit by about 9.30… finished weeding the beans, then went into Jacquie’s and…. took the shelve down off the walls, moved the book-case and boxes, removed the nails and with a nice solution of Lysol, Murphy’s Oil Soap and bleach… washed the walls AND bleached the white trim (which is so far gone it won’t come back to white oh well anyway). Broke for lunch of beet salad and goat cheese, bread and butter at 13.00 and…. finished with the room… NEXT: to the plumbing in the back yard and today… I STOPPED THE LEAK! AND FILLED THE HOLE! (The water pressure is strangely low, but then again, it’s that way through the house… hopefully it’s OK and we won’t have to dig the damned thing up again.) Ah… but when I came to the pit to get my gloves, round about 16.00 or so… or maybe even earlier… LOCKED DOOR! Only the kitchen this time though thankfully. I left “them 2 cukes and some radishes and went back to finish filling in the hole. Fukkem! – Got back to the room a while ago. Poor Dixie hadn’t eaten her breakfast! And obviously, nobody here gives a shit. But I got her to eat… got her AND Ellie to go out and pee and I came up, hopped into a nice shower, scrubbie-dubbie-dubbed me and now… if I had a drink I’d be just about perfect. – Oh… last check at about 16.45… no word from the PO. It’s pissing me off because of the inappropriate questions. But I shall wait… and see… and then… attack when necessary. – For now… a little relax and then… maybe over to raid the liquor in the pantry. I don’t know. Haven’t decided… yet. – ACCOMPLISHED no matter what though. – 21.30 They came back at 18.46 and I couldn’t keep my eyes open so I set the alarm for 19.30 but… I FELL INTO A DEEP SLEEP… AND A DREAM:
I’d been laying on the bed, sleeping, and when I woke, Mama was siting in the room, on a chair, at the head of the bed (because the bed was more in the middle of the room). I was still tired when I woke so I didn’t open my eyes as we talked. I asked her if it was dark yet. She asked “Why?” I said because I was still tired and didn’t know if I wanted to wake up or sleep through the night. And we talked about something. I don’t know what, but we talked a while. 3 times I opened my eyes to look at her as we talked. She was in her 30’s but I was my current age. I decided to get up and go down for a smoke. As I stood up and got my cigarette she said, in a mock disciplinary voice “Don’t do that in here. This is the Mama’s room!” and I understood. I was only there for a visit or something temporary. It wasn’t my room, per se. So, I got up and so did she. She left first and went down the stairs to the kitchen and I went a moment later. As I headed down the stairs, there were 2 dogs that bolted in front of me (just as it would be here with Dixie and Ellie) and then John and Joe and 3 of their friends came bolting down along with me. We all went quickly through the kitchen. I let the others out before me because they were all dressed and heading out. John (or Joe) stopped to ask “Do you wanna come with us? We’re going for ice cream and the 5-mile mark on out 12-mile walk.” I understood that the “12-mile walk” was something they did regularly. I chuckled and said “No thanks. At my age I don’t think I could make the whole trip.” and off they went, into the night. I pondered the roads, because I’d done all the walking (it was, in the dream, here, in Franklin and I imagined them walking the 105) before. So I said “Be careful out there.” One youngest fellow stayed behind and as I was to light my cigarette in the back yard I asked him if he wasn’t going. “No.” he said. I can’t do that distance tonight.” – And I woke.
When I woke, I immediately thought of giving Mum a call or writing her to tell her of the dream and suddenly, the reality hit: She’s not here any more. And the emptiness just pulled at my entire body. Even after all these years…. it still happens.
I laid on the bed, pondering going down for a smoke or just going back to sleep. I was fully dressed in jeans and a polo shirt but I was SO tired! Decided to go anyway. The house is dark. Everybody’s in bed already. When I opened the door to the room, the door-knob is nice and tight again so there wasn’t any rattling. I must remember to keep that things tight. I tightened it this evening before they got back. Lyle’s on his phone and the TV is on in there. The freak is playing with his phone as well. In the kitchen, I’d noticed that they haven’t bothered to clean the beets I brought last night. I didn’t check the sink to see if they’d done anything with the radishes and 2 cukes I brought this evening. Wasting food again. Typical shits. Well… if they don’t use it, Jacquie and I will just have to enjoy what we can. I had a cuke before falling asleep earlier and there’s another on the desk in the corner. I’m at the end of eating too many radishes though. And if they’re going to waste all this food, then I’m not planting another row. Fukkem. Makes me angry… to say the least. But it WILL be mentioned to Jacquie when I see her (perhaps tomorrow evening). – Well, tonight is the “Blue Moon”. Second one this month and rumour has it that it will be “blue”. Something about dust particles in the air and such. – What I wouldn’t give right now for a drink! – Tomorrow morning I should have my FS again. FOOD! Stuff! Too bad it has to be “American”. But I’ll have something to eat. And it will be…. AUGUST! FUCK ME! AUGUST! 60 YEARS IS ROLLING IN! I wonder how many more… or none. Maybe it’s quickly time to take care of business. I have to finish over at Jacquie’s though. And, most likely, if the PO fails… that will be the end. – Just realised this evening: the soreness in my nose very well could be mildew in those two rooms. Sinus infection… just as happened when I stayed at City Terrace. AND, IJUST realised: Nr.19!!! Church and CTN! SHIT! Yeah… time to get the actual fuck out of this roller-do. Seriously. – Will check the soc.med. and hope to get back to sleep. Tomorrow, I can move the rosa rugosa at Jacquie’s. Can’t prime the walls just yet because I don’t have the roller and such as far as I know. But… little by little, the rooms are coming together. AND THE WATER IS BACK OUT IN THE YARD FOR HER! I’ve accomplished much there this Summer. I’ve not had much idle time and I’m rather sure that my efforts there have been appreciated.