: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
Tue.01.Dec:
Wed.02.Dec: 6.35 Nope. No reason or excuse for being up and dressed and about at this hour thus morning, but here I am and so it is. And yes, of course, I'm tired. But... The linens are put away and there we've had done with “the agenda item” for the day. Lights did go out before 23.00, following a nice shower and a bit of a read. (There really WAS quite a Jewish presence in MTL... once upon a time. Josh Freed's accounts are amazing. It's almost like a little “NYC”... almost.) But sleep was a bit elusive and I was “awake” until almost 1.00 this morning. Still. The 5.55 alarm sounded and I shut it off to doze until 6.05 when I just decided to get up anyway. And I took the little band-dot-aid off the “thing” on my chest last night but the ITCH... as usual... and, as usual as well, the general “malaise” that comes with/from tea tree oil. But that “thing” is going away so... What-ever. And now, with the cold returned on the out-side, and the slightest “sparkle” in the air... I'm thankful for a tank full of oil, another of propane... and soon, 'twill be time to check Ms. Yonah. And today, scraping for the cash for a pack of smokes... and tomorrow's “budget”. “Things”... to “occupy the time”... as one has time to be occupied. - 10.20 Took a “lie-down” at about 8.30 and didn't wake until almost 10.00!!! Kriste! But... I woke out of a dreamlette:
Here, in New Russia, in the kitchen, Oma arrived for some reason. I knew why, though I didn't, she came to the house. It was day (unusual for my dreams). She didn't knock, just pulled-up in front of the house and walked in, went right to the kitchen, to the stove where she took a “Pyrex” bread-pan dish out of a tote. In it, some green vegetables, potato, beef... I tried to set the table for her, bringing my cutlery. I commented “Oh, nice, she's brought a whole lunch with her.” She didn't even acknowledge that I was in the room. I wasn't “comfortable” with her being here and she was obviously pissed about some-thing... me, it was understood. The reason? Un-known. She just was and I just went about trying to make it “appear” that she was expected and welcome. I went to the table to try to make room for her to sit and eat, but as I moved things about, the table-cloth moved out of place. I was trying to set-up so that she could watch the news or something, on the lap-top but because the cloth moved, it just wouldn't “settle”. The cutlery I was going to set wasn't clean so I needed to get to the sink to wash it but she pulled a complete set of her own. “Always efficient. Even brought her own cutlery.” I said, not nastily, trying for a humourous tone... She ignored me... still obviously pissed. Mean-while, the tension in the house just grew heavier and I tried to brush it off... and I woke.
Well... there's some-thing more to ponder when it comes to what's in my unconscious these days. - Any-way... coffee's done, I've dumped the grinds in the “bed” out back. Ms. Cunt-stal next door has been QUITE HEAVY with the paper-towels... banging quite noticeably on the dispenser. And me? Well... 90 minutes lost on the morning. - There are moments of sun-shine and it's cold out there... not “bitter” but cold. And the day... will roll along. - 19.28
YESTERDAY, ALDEN ASKED IF JULIUS' “YOUNG LADY” WAS LIVING THERE AND I TOLD HIM THE STORY AND THAT JULIUS IS SEEING ANOTHER. WELL... TONIGHT, I WAS ON THE FRONT PORCH (MOMENTS AGO) AND JULIUS LEFT... BUT THERE'S A CAR IN THE DRIVE AND WHO-EVER IS IN THE FLAT HAS BEEN STEADILY BANGING ON THE WALLS SO... LOOKS LIKE I'LL BE CALLING ALDEN TO “UP-DATE” THE SITUATION... AND, GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY... “DISCUSSING” THE MATTER WITH JEFF. THIS IS BULL-SHIT!!!
MEAN-WHILE...
YONAH RE-INJURED HER LEFT WING... WHERE SHE'D INJURED IT FLYING INTO THE WINDOW! I WAS CLEANING THE CAGE TODAY AND SHE WAS ALL OVER THE PLACE! I finished the cleaning and when I went back to look at her, I noticed SHE'S BLEEDING AGAIN! So... music off, lights out... door closed... I'm leaving her alone. I'd given her some egg today and she tipped the dish and it was all over the place (which is why I cleaned). I don't know what's gotten into her but she spent most of the morning staring out the window. I can understand that she want's OUT. I KNOW how that is. But the snow is coming and now, with a bum wing, she'll be “grounded”... hiding under shrubs and such... buried in the snow... total prey to any and every-thing out there! I WON'T have that! So... tomorrow, thankfully, cod liver oil for the vitamins and such, a spray bottle for a bath/shower and more Audubon seed for out-side and to be mixed with the other seed (that she's not fond of). We'll do what we can. It's put me rather “off” to be honest... screwed my mood for the day.
In other events... “borscht” with burger for “meal”. Quite filling. Sugared chocolate creamer for dessert. That should “pass through” nicely... I can hope. - Worked this month's budget already for tomorrow. The electric's going to be high... the furnace running so often. Oh well... I'll do what I can. - Planning on a quick shower before bed again tonight... just because, really. - The “rain lights” are due next Tuesday. - And “Nordländer” is back up and running today. (I was on for a while but almost got sick from the bull-shit with this “covid” and masks fuckerie! I'm SO thankful I don't HAVE to put up with it! I'd be in jail for murder by now. - Anyway... I'll have A (ONE) v-ton before bed tonight. It's supposed to be cold and tomorrow... well... what-ever. I want a drink. (And I'd like, very much, to go next door and bash some-body's head in... If this goes on into the night, past 21.00, there'll be a call made tomorrow... to be sure. And if Julius is moving that cow in there... I hope Alden charges rent accordingly... If not? Well... we'll see how much he actually values getting his rent on time and the “help around the property” and the 'respect”... and such (not at all... I'll wager). - 24.33 Too many v-tons... a little at a time... off to the shower... - Great “chat” with Gina... but... I'm going to regret this!
Thu.03.Dec: 10.52 On a “re-start” to the day. - Last night, I slept on the futon. Comfy... indeed... BUT... for the most part, restless. Though it DID give me some insight into what's going on in my “chest”. “Reflux”. Disgusting. And to the point where it woke me. Solution? I changed sides, sleeping with head to the window, on the left side. The v-tons and evening meal sat, just above the stomach and just below the throat. So, it would appear that laying too flat is the tragedy. And so, if what I eat sits too high above the stomach, it's “wearing away” at the oesophagus. So there! Anyway... I'm not even sure as to what time I actually managed to get to “sleep” but... at about 7.40, I was awake... fully-clothed, as it were. I got up, made coffee, felt shitty, but managed to get around a bit. Checked the e-mails, the soc.med., the weather... and checked-in with Yonah who, of course, was up and about already. Had coffee, a quick smoke on the front porch and... annoyingly, couldn't find the little lighter! Well, thankfully, there was another in the drawer but... only moments ago, the one I'd been “obsessing” on most of the morning, was found... under a piece of kitchen roll, on the counter-top! Oh well. - And, yes, Soc.Sec. posted to the account this morning... so, first line of “business” this morning: transfer the loan payment to Trail North. It's for this month's payment, which has thrown me back a month. But, at least the payment will be made (hopefully tomorrow morning?) - And then... at 9.26 (I remember that), Ms. Crystalcunt finally arrived to open the pee-oh and I went back to the futon until 10.26. - Now, there are “things” and “errands” I need to attend, but some-how, I'm in no particular rush. Sadly, the sun is shining brilliantly, it's not “too cold” out there. But I just don't have the “energy, excitement, the what-ever” that I had even yesterday, to get out of the house. There's nothing “urgent”, really. I should get to the dump, but I'm not even looking forward to that. It's “the morning after”... that's what it is. Last night, I'd poured a “reasonable” drink... but had a couple more “smaller” after it, amounting to “too many” at the end. Alas. I DO know better, but I'm just being damned-stupid about it. - So now... just waiting for the idiot next door to depart and will check today's post (hoping for no “bad news”... not that I'm expecting any but that's usually when it appears) and I'll force me out the door. A spray bottle for Ms. Yonah, a few “decorations” perhaps. More seed for the birds out-side... pack of smokes... nothing “urgent”. But may as well take advantage of the sun-shine... because there's not much more of that to come for a while. - To be honest, it would take nothing to just go back to the futon. But... - Oh... the “rain-lights” have “shipped”... due next Wednesday instead of Tuesday. Cutting it right to the very moment... Chanukah is Wednesday night... and Wednesday night is when the lights will arrive... making it a bit more difficult to hang. (I'm just hoping the damned things all work! Fuck.) - Off to another toddle to the loo. At least THAT'S “working” this morning... cleansing. Might help a bit... though I doubt it.- 19.57 Well... I DID get out of the house today... at about 12.30. FamDoll for artificial pointsettias, loo roll, 2 packs of smokes, (and a box of their “PopTarts” for tonight's dessert). Two elder-women let me in the queue ahead of them and the store was PACKED today! (Social Security day?) Next, on to Aubuchon's for a SPRAY BOTTLE FOR YONAH'S BATH... tomorrow... we'll give it a try, and a bag of fresh seed for her and the out-doors folks. I probably should have stopped at Tops but I wanted to get back to the house. Oh well... There's 40 on the FS so there's still time for that. AND... when I got back (not sure of the hour) there was a pick-up, “Ram”, in the drive! WTAF? Now the place is a “Municipal Parking” lot? Fuck! I need to get the truck closer to me... some-how. I just don't like parking on the “hill” in the drive but... we shall have to look into that. - OK! SO! I knocked on Alvin's door to inquire about getting evergreen cuttings but... no answer SOOoooo... I grabbed the pruners and a black bag and headed across the road and up the logging road. I HAVE to say, there are more hemlocks than white pines up there and the hemlocks are either very young or just plain scraggly. But I did manage a rather full bag and came back to the house to start “decorating”. - Made a wreath, using the “rim” of the basket I used to make the “shade” for the porch light. Looks? Not the greatest, but it was an effort, using the twine instead of wire, and I just didn't have the “mood” or patience. But it's done... and hanging on the front of the house. Then, I clipped the pointsettias to individual flowers, 3 per “group” for 5 “groups” and stuffed them into the dead mums... Next, clipped the remaining hemlock and stuffed that in too. So the boxes on the porch have “Winter” stuff in them. Not sure if it'll hold against wind and rain, but there it is. So long as it holds through Christmas, I'm fine with that. - At 17.00 I put the water on for pasta... with chick peas and the rest of the “Italian” veggies... “Meal” was had at 18.00!!! Filling enough. Fine. - Of note: the “AAA” bill came today... IT'S ON FUCKING AUTO-PAY! $111 WILL BE COMING OUT OF MY FUCKING BUDGET THIS MONTH! ANOTHER “MEAGRE” MONTH AHEAD! FUCK! AND I TRIED TO STOP IT ON-LINE BUT... ONE HAS TO “CALL”. WHAT BULL-SHIT! STILL, I CHECKED MY INSURANCE FOR THE “TOWING”. GEICO TOWS ONLY TO THE NEAREST SERVICE STATION... AAA GIVES ME 100 MILES SO... I'LL KEEP THE AAA FOR THAT. ALSO, GEICO DOESN'T COVER GAS IF NEEDED, SO I'LL KEEP AAA FOR THAT AS WELL. - I'm not happy about the squeeze on the budget but... - So the house is “decorated” and the lights are due on Tuesday! (Now... I'll have to watch the electric... with the furnace running, this is going to be a pricey month! Fuck me!) - Just now, having the hot waters for bed. Shower tonight and TO BED... NOT to futon. - Yonah appears to be OK this evening. I have the radiator on for her because she's been “puffed”. Poor thing. But she's got MORE FOOD and tomorrow, I'll check to see her reaction to a “schpritz”. I HOPE she enjoys! She's been “fidgety” of late. - So for now... another hot water, soc.med. and then... TO BED! I'm TIRED! - 22.38 OFF TO THE SHOWER!
Night, of course, or, at least, as my dreams usually are... “dark”. A Homeless Shelter! Imagine THAT! A group of us (from 30th St. or similar) were transferred to another shelter. The new one was more like a converted school, class-rooms turned dorm and such. There was also some-thing rather “hospital” about it as well. But mostly, “school”. The little group of us were to be “integrated” with the already pre-present “client/residents” and had been, of course, simply bused-on and dumped there with-out instructions or any other sort of information. The entire “process” was, as usual, just chaotic. We, of our little group, got along quite well. Most of us were of the same age group: “old”. In fact, there was one old fellow quite similar to “Lyle” in so many aspects: that some-what meek, yet “pampered”. There was a “Bob” type: “entitled”, curt. And there were the others... all told, there were about 10 or 15 of us, and the rest of “us” were different aspects of the folks from “5W” at 30th St. So... we get dumped and left and are wandering about the halls, trying to find some-one who'd give us our “instructions”, room assignments, the general “rules and regs” of “Shelter Life”, as it were. We weren't quite liked by the “established” folks and as we wandered, they made that obvious with sneers and jeers and general “stand-offishness”. I'd gone about my own business of looking about, separate from the others, doing what it is/was that I'd done (in reality): listening to the chats and conversations of the other “inmates”, trying to find open offices with the usual so-called “Case Workers”, and trying to find the “administration” who'd bark the usual demands and common fuckeries. The general atmosphere was much like a high-school, between classes; people walking about in every which direction, the halls almost vibrating with the cacophony of too many with too much to say about so much they knew nothing about. At least, I found my way back to a “gymnasium-type” area and “my little crew”. “Identifications” were being given: little metallic tags, baubles of a sort, which contained our name. I asked one of my folks “When are we expected to be back here?” meaning, “How long are they just going to ignore us and let us roam about, aimlessly?” “9.30 is what I heard.” said one guy, meaning, “curfew”. I wasn't too thrilled with that answer. Firstly, that's not what I was wondering and secondly, 10.00pm was our previous curfew. I wondered if any of the others had been assigned a dorm/room and had I missed that, in my wandering about. So... there... on a long shelf, just above eye-level... the little pewter-sort of trinkets were laid, the full length of the gym wall! We were expected to find “ours”, Each one was in a particular shape... like those “name necklace” trinkets. I scanned them, noticing they were in alphabetical order. Most of them were quite “OK”, presentable, though it made NO sense to me. Were we expected to carry this shit with us? In a pocket or some-thing? And why were they metallic? In a shelter? Well, I scanned along and found mine. It was about the size of the palm of my hand, quite large. The letter “J” was “pinned” to the letter “K” and they “swivelled”. On each letter was pre and surname, obviously hastily engraved. Shitty bits of trinketry. But I took mine, dutifully, and went about my own continued exploration. As it got closer to the night, when we should have been able to go to our dorms, I became annoyed. I still hadn't been “assigned”, to my knowledge, or at least, informed. As I wandered, I arrived in a little room off what appeared to be a cafeteria. The room itself was some-what “medicinal” and yet “slop-sink-closet”. In it, a hospital bed in which was the “Lyle-sort” fellow and at bed-side, the “Bob-sort”. The fellow in the bed was receiving some sort of medical treatment... IV, and the other was there as a friend/companion. “What's all this?” I asked. “They're insisting that I get this treatment.” said the bed fellow, not exactly happy about it. The other one scolded “Stop. You know it's for your own good.” I was still wondering about room assignments and some-how understood that they'd been done and given... some-where in the building, there was a room, with a bed, assigned to me, but it was entirely up to me to figure out which one and where! And... I woke, as I do, just before the dream became any more annoying.
“Shelter”? “Homeless”? “30th Street”? “Medical treatments”? My unconscious is surely working over-time on the “Kakfaesque” these days. - Well... there we have it. The furnace has just kicked... I think it's set at 60-something. Will check and... on with the... what-ever. It's over-cast this morning. I'll have to bring the house-temperature up a bit before trying a “schpritz” with Yonah... and as for the rest... it will do/be what it will... when it's time to get back into bed... later. - 11.58 “Accomplishments” with this morning? A few “dove” files put onto the iPod and are now playing for Yonah. I tried a “mist” on her this morning. No response. I don't like the looks of her beak... there's “scruff”, like being “un-shaven”. But, she's not “preening” in the water and doesn't appear to appreciate it at all. - *** NOTICE FROM SOC.SEC. via e-mail: Confirmation of COLA. Charming. *** - *** LOAN PAYMENT MADE. *** And that covers it. - My eyes are a mess today. Even with glasses on. Oh... 'tis worsening, indeed. I need to get away from computers... and the likes. (I ought to get my arse out to market! Well... right now... oatmeal and vits.) - And the house has been (or it's just me) chilly this morning. - Post? Double notice cards from CDPHP. I suppose I ought to phone them but... that “special enrolment” ends Monday so... maybe it'll stop. I'm NOT risking it now... loss of Soc.Sec. I NEED ALL I can get now... ESPECIALLY during WINTER! - OK... simply rolling along... - 17.00 OK! OK! OH KAY! Made it to the market and franks and veggies on the cooker. Stopped by the pharmacy and ordered “cod liver oil”... 4oz. and about 16$! FUCK! Had to ORDER it! Imagine! Once a house-hold item... had to order it. Oh well. I can barely afford but... it's for Yonah and that's all that matters. - Then to market, Then to home to do “house-keeping” for Ms. Yonah who was NOT at all appreciative again. She's in some kind of some-thing. But, her house is clean and orderly and tonight she begins to “adjust” to the cooler weather. No more radiator... unless we go into a deep freeze. - Then? On to the loo to seriously CLEAN! Floor, walls, medicine cabinet. Took the faucets apart and scrubbed them too. It's delightful in there now. (The rest of the place is... in need, but that'll wait.) - And now... meal. - 21.46 3 hot waters, soc.med. 4 PopTarts (I'll be sorry). Meal... 4 franks, veggies, ice cream. Okie dokie. Now it's time for shower and SLEEP!
Sat.05.Dec: 6.34 There was a list of “items” I wanted to “get to” before bed last night and, thus far, I've finished one: trimmed my beard. Yes, up and out of bed at 5.51. Why? Because I'd woken at 4.30 and thought that a bit too early for sanity's sake. But by 5.51, I started to sneeze and was awake and well... that was that. And the eggs, flour and yeast are on the counter for bread-making in a little while. I've put some “bird seed” into a jar, paper towel; I read that giving “seed sprouts” to Yonah is a good idea. (She probably won't have anything to do with them, of course, but I HAVE often wondered if that seed would actually sprout, and what it would grow to, so here's the chance.) In from a smoke on a drizzly, dark morn. Not too cold though, thankfully. I've closed Yonah's door, to keep the house-lights out of the room. She'll be up when it suits her, not when it suits me. It's like having a “roomie”... and I don't mind in the least. - I want to try to put some “styro” in her seed dish, to make it shallower, so I can put her food and veggies into the same place. Why? Not sure, but I think it might make it easier on her, having the food in one place instead of little “dishes” here and there. We shall see. Give it a try. I'll get to that when she's awake. - Meanwhile, there are a couple of other “items” I want to get to today. I need to sew a pair of jeans where the iron-on patch didn't hold. And there's bits of “paper-work” (AAA and such) to get to as well. - Mean-while, I'm feeling “odd” this morning. Just a slight “removed”. “Light in the head”. I'm “here” but my body is some-where “other”. Oh well... Another one of those “I'm dying” days, I suppose. We shall see. - Had a disturbing dream at some point during the night. VERY strange, indeed:
Every aspect was more shades of “brown”, not “sepia”, but “browns”. Similar to a “black and white” but “brown”. Not sure how it began but as I recall... I was in a “brook”, but the brook was in a cave that was in a very grand, large hotel sort of place. Exceptionally “ritzy”. I was a “guest”, attending some sort of “high-brow” affair. But there I was, in shorts or swim trunks, in water that was just above waist deep and quite clear. The brook-bed and the walls were brownish. Not from anything dirty, that was the colour of it all. I was wading “up-stream”, farther into the cavern/cave. UNDER the water, a woman, dressed in a white dress and sneakers (there might have been some elements of a story I'd read before sleep... Josh Freed, attending an award ceremony in a high-class, Toronto centre... he'd worn a white jacket and sneakers and the others were in tuxedos; why that element would incorporate... well... why does any-thing “incorporate” into dreams?) but she was completely submerged, eyes open, conscious. She just lay there, looking up at me as I walked along. “This water is so warm.” I commented to her. “Very warm, indeed!” She said nothing, of course, being under the water, just nodded. Then I noticed an itch between my fingers on my left hand and taking my hand up out of the water, noticed little, brown, worm-like “things” there. The water was clear, but there were “things”, worms, some-thing of the sort in it. “I suppose it's to be expected.” I thought, almost aloud. “But, she's completely under and her eyes are open, so it can't be all that bad.” I though, and continued along. I was heading for some other area farther along the “brook”, some-where I was “expected” to be, in a short while. - I'd reached a particular length and decided I needed to return to where I'd come into the brook, because my time was running out and I had to be in the “banquet room” or some place of the sort, so I turned round to head back. An older man came from behind me and he too, was in a bit of a rush. So I decided to “lay in the water” and float along with the current. As I did so, the man “dove” under me, like a dolphin, and, swimming under me as I floated, stopped directly under me... and didn't move from there. We were “back-to-back” as it were, I, floating face-up, he, floating along under me, face-down. I was concerned that he'd drown but he suddenly moved forward and was swimming, submerged, away from me. - Now, the next thing I recall is that there was some sort of group of “others”, determined to kill some very important people who were attending the “function” at this place. I, by some association, was part of the group that was to be murdered. We had to get out of the “hotel” and into town. I just wanted to get away, but had to do so with the assistance of those who were familiar with the situation. I was rushed to a parking lot and into a vehicle with a few others. There was a woman in the group, young, some-what similar to “Ahlena”... from Beacon! Annoying, dramatic, not very bright, obnoxious, abrasive just by her presence. The car was a large limo, and we all sat in there, in relative darkness... the windows were heavily tinted and out-side, it was that time of day just before first day-light. We rolled along a mountain road, with stone wall to the cliff-side, winding our way down, into the “village”... it was a combination of Europe and the more rural parts of the Middle East. As we rounded a bend, there was a black vehicle, one of those “Batman” sort of affairs, on the right “shoulder”, beside the “cliff”, in FLAMES!!! The woman SCREAMED “MICHAEL! MICHAEL! MICHAEL!” One of the “leaders”, and a “love interest” of hers, had been in that vehicle with other highly-important men. I just some-how knew this. They'd been ambushed, murdered, the vehicle set a-blaze! They were looking for us as well, and we knew it. We had to get to the village/town and onto a train OUT, and we had to do so, quickly! As we rounded the corner in the road, passed the burning vehicle, the woman in hysterics, still screaming “MICHAEL!” I turned to look out the back window at the burning vehicle. It had obviously been burning a while, but oddly, nobody stopped to check it, to put the fire out, to “do” any-thing about it. And I “knew” that there were 5 bodies in that blaze. “They” were out to kill us ALL off, we needed to get to the train in town... quickly... and I woke.
And there we have it. - That said... Lights went out at almost 23.00 last night and I went right off to sleep. This morning I thought: this is 2 nights in a row that I didn't take my 2nd Naproxen, the “before bed” dose, and didn't have a drink and slept through the night to wake “un-medicated” as it were, the following morning, of my own accord, 6 hours later, feeling “rested”. I wake feeling well and rested and am fine, as long as I stay in bed. But once up and about, I'm ready to go back to bed, tired, exhausted, almost with-in about 30 minutes. Oh well... that much is “normal”. - But here I am... 7.08, dressed and done with 2nd coffee... Sadly, it's the “long day” at the pee-oh... 8.45-11.45. Oh well... we'll make the best of it. There are “activities” to fill time and distract. I'll just get to them and then... it'll be “meal” time again... and another day will have passed. - The lights are due on Tuesday evening. I still have to work-out the configuration: 8 lights to 3 windows. If I can attach lights individually, that would be a delight... 9 lights to a string, 3 to a window. But... I doubt that's how they'll work so... we shall see... on Tuesday evening. For now... let's see what I can “accomplish” with the rest of this day... AND GET BACK TO BED AT A CIVIL HOUR TONIGHT! - At least the loan was paid and the rest of the money for this month is in the account... provided the electric bill doesn't break 100! (Which I'm almost certain, it will... of course.) - 11.42 Another 90-minute “snooze” and UP AND RUNNING! Bread kneaded, risen and in the pans, second rise. Put a new “baffle” on the living-room registre to blow the heat UP instead of across the floor. (Pain in the shitter, that, but it's done.) Light “house-keeping” in Yonah's place. I put a piece of styro in the seed dish to make it shallower so fresh seed can be added more frequently and I can “add” to it when needed. She, of course, paced all the while, and, no sooner had I done, she emptied her grit dish. So that's gone now and she can peck, as she would, out-doors. The kitchen is cleaned as if none of this ever happened. And I put the seed from Yonah's into the back feeder. AND... all the while... Hauser has been playing, on the lap-top, at a volume to be heard as far and wide as possible. Hey! Yonah seems to like it so... the rest can go scratch some-thing (of their own). Now? The jeans need repairing. I want to TRY to make some sort of “starry” decoration from the left-over foil paper for the wreath out front. That should prove annoying, if nothing else. But... it's all kept me moving along. And soon, 'twill be tea time! I don't suppose I can say I've “wasted” this morning... in spite of cutting it short with too much “napping”. Oh well. And soon, the idiot in the pee-oh will be gone. I wonder what, if anything, awaits me. Hopefully nothing, rather than “bills and offers”. We shall see when time comes. - OH... a quick “dreamlette” as I snoozed:
In college or at some sort of job, I was sitting at a round table in a sort of lunch-room, working. “Ahlena”! of ALL people (I was JUST thinking of her this morning, fuck), came in and sat on a bench along the wall and scootched over closer to the table, put her feet up on the table and moved my lap-top. I looked at her and said “You're not in your own house here so I suggest you be careful and watch what you do. Pulling shit won't float here.” She gave me a snarky look and stared at me, not moving. I gathered what I needed and started to leave the table, because I'd finished what I was doing and... I woke.
Well! TWICE with that Bea-cunt! I wonder what THAT portends! Can't be anything good. - 19.23 SO... I managed to get ALL the things I'd thought about doing today... DONE! Including cutting little stars for the wreath and stitching the jeans. SO... meal was the rest of the franks with veggies and ice cream (and a MAD DASH TO THE LOO) after. I'm just up from a snooze... and ready to get to bed anyway. And Ms. Yonah is on her perch for the night with “traffic block” (card-board) at the window. And there's a “North wind” blowing out there tonight. So... 'twill be an “interesting” night to be sure. - 21.24 Finishing the 3rd water and off to bed. It's gone COLD out there tonight. - Just in from a smoke on the front porch... One of the poinsettias is gone with the wind. Oh well... I figured it would happen sooner or later. Anyway... I'm off to the shower. It's been a “productive” day... all told... for a retired old nothing. - Have to put another filling in the upper, right, back. A YUGE ONE TOO! Figures. That too, was expected. Thankfully, there's more filling to be used! Buying when I'm out pays off! - And it's chilly in the house tonight. I have to resist the urge to crank the furnace. It's not only the matter of oil, but the electric to run that damned furnace too! Oh well... always some-thing. And the AAA wasn't anticipated... imagine that... I “forgot” something in the BUDGET! Well! THAT'LL teach me. - OFF to the shower... at least there's propane for that. -
Sun.06.Dec: 6.14 There's a wash soaking in the basin, I'm dressed, been out to the porch, in the morning's CHILL, standing in the North wind for a smoke I shouldn't have had because it's a rather “quite uncomfortable” morning, lungs-wise, having gotten out of bed at 5.42 for reasons yet un-known. My sinuses are dripping this morning too. Ah... “morning”... another day... here we are and here we go. Coffee at hand. Vits. swallowed and wracking my brain to remember the things I want to do, things I ought to do, things I'd like to do and things I don't want to do (like tightening that fucking cable... because I don't want to “invest” “MY” rope or money in it but it ought to be done and it should be done and will need to be done before the next gas delivery... should I be alive to care about such a thing. - OK. So it's another “typical” morning and the furnace has run twice since I became “conscious” this morning. Fine then. Here we are, with a bit more “time”... let's see what we do with it. - It's about this morning's lungs though. OK. So I've had “this sort of morning” before and I'm having one again. Motion, movement, do, do, do... it usually helps. We'll just “do” that... “do, do, do”. - 14.21 So I “snoozed” for another 90 minutes this late morning. Then had ginger tea and toast with vits. AND THEN... GOT THE RUSSIAN BIT ON THE PEE-OH SIGN PAINTED! MY EYES ARE SO FUCKED! But there's a line on the sign and that's that for that for now. - There's a tiny bit of sun shining through the haze and there's more snow blowing about on yon mountains. The wind is from the North and COLD! And the kettle is on... INSTANT COFFEE WITH CREAMER! WHY NOT? EH? IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME! (I'll HAVE to must get to Hannaford's soon enough. FS come on Wednesday... And the drive might be good for the truck... and gas is cheaper and... we shall see.) - Ms. Yonah is listening to the few “dove” files”. I'll have to get some more of those... with coffee.) - 15.54 Got 14 more “mourning dove” audio files onto the iPod for Ms. Yonah! And then Hoovered the house at last! - 21.38 3 hot waters and 2 PopTarts and too much soc.med. Sunday is done. - Ms. Yonah is in her room. I'm leaving the radiator off so she “adjusts” to the “chill” in the house. No matter how cold it might get “out there”... she won't get colder than 65F in here which is a FAR cry from what she'd be battling out there. Besides, it's probably better this way. The radiator dries the air and I doubt that's good for her. - Meanwhile, Bozo's back to plodding next door. Hopefully on its way to bed. It was bad enough when *I* had to put up with that, but I now truly worry about Yonah. SHE doesn't need to have to hear that shit into the night. Although, were she out-side, I'm sure there would be noises out there too... only out there are coyotes, owls, and other predators. At least, in here, she's safe. (How I wish I could communicate her safety to her!) - Anyway... tomorrow I go for her cod liver oil which should do her a world of good. I want, so much, for her to be healthy, strong, BEAUTIFUL, when she takes to the skies again! (Life, grant me just that much and after, do what you will... shit that you are and worse that you can be.) - No shower tonight... I'm off to teeth and bed now. We shall see what the day dumps on us tomorrow... if and when it arrives. - I need to be more active though... I need to incorporate a walk of some distance into the day! (I keep telling me that...) My lungs need a couple of attacks of “frozen” air! - Oh well... not tonight, Josephine. (And the furnace kicks on again.)
Mon.07.Dec: 8.15 (Or so... because it's actually 8.32 but I've been busy typing the “dream”...) ANYWAY... Yes, last night, I DID go directly to bed, finished the 2nd “Josh Freed” book and, I believe, lights went out at about 22.30 and sleep came rather shortly there-after. But when I heard the alarms this morning... I went right back to sleep and into the dream...
I had only recently started another one of those jobs where you're not really sure “why” you were hired. There was nothing I was asked to do, nothing I was “expected” to do. I could “find” work to be done but there wasn't any sort of “specific” task... ever. VERY much like working at the “studio”, in The City, when I'd gone back for that rather Hellish 2 months, between Richford and Franklin. Most of the others were of “college” age, all “busy looking busy”, “taking and attending meetings”, but generally chaotic, bustling about, “making jolly”, “appearing to be important”. I NEEDED the income because something had happened to my Soc.Sec. It had been reduced to the point of almost non-existent, so I “had” to keep, at the very least, “appearing” at the office. But I was constantly thinking I'd be sacked at any moment, if I bumped into the one person who might ask “Just what is it that you do here?” So I passed most of the time dodging and avoiding ANYBODY who might ask. - It was a large sort of space, quite like one of those “make-shift school” environments, with large “meeting” rooms. I'd come in that morning (in the dark... of course... VERY early morning... but “dark”, none-the-less, as is the case with most of my dreams) and gone into the “meeting” late. Rows of tables and metal folding chairs, almost all occupied with “youngsters” taking notes, having their coffee and biscuits, rolls and such, chatting, laughing. There were back-packs and bags, coats, jackets, all sorts of paraphernalia strewn about the floor. Some folks were already heading off to their “work place/space” and nobody paid any attention to my arrival. I'd put my bag and lap-top down in the mess, to “blend in” as if I'd been there all along, nobody paid any attention, and I went about walking about, trying to “appear” useful, needed, having a task, chore, ambition, use. - As I was wandering about, almost aimlessly, Lyle (actually) appeared from a side room. I knew he'd been out, ill, for some while, and though I was some-what uncomfortable seeing him (again, because he might ask what I was doing there, why was I on pay-roll, why had I been hired) I made a point of going over to say how glad I was to see him, had heard of his illness and how well he looked. He was dressed in t-shirt and boxers and carrying a frying pan. He'd come from “the kitchen”. Bob came out of the same door Lyle had come through, whining about something that annoyed him, and complaining that he had to get to work and Lyle was making him late. He ignored me and went back to where he'd come from and Lyle said “I have to go put the steaks on.” and left. - There was, too, a “Gabbie” sort of gal there, bossy, arrogant. I knew I had to avoid her at all costs because SHE'D be “the one” to get me sacked. (She was a combo of “Gabbie” and “Ahlena”: a pleasant-appearing back-stabber.) I kept moving about, almost aimlessly, primarily to avoid ANY contact with her. - Although it was only moments after my arrival, it was, some-how, time to leave, either end of day or just to leave to appear that I had some-where else I was “needed”. Others were off to their respective places or on their way there, I needed to appear to be part of the flow. I went to where I thought I'd left my belongings... they were gone... had been moved or simply removed. I dug through clothes, bags, parcels, other electronics that were on the floor, but MY lap-top and bags and clothes were gone. I figured I'd find them after all the other shit had been sorted through but HAD to leave that room and get to... I didn't know where. So I followed the majority of the people who were leaving. - Out the steel doors and into a labyrinth of hall-ways, from an “older” part of the building to a “newer” section. There, the halls and lobbies and such were “glass walled”. I could see out... it was just pre-dawn. I needed to get to “some-where” so I kept following a general flow of people. Across the ground floor, knowing that I'd eventually either come to a lift to get to the upper floor (where I was supposed to be “situated” for “work” anyway) or to the parking garage where I did-but-didn't have a vehicle... one of those “ambiguities” in dreams... and one way or another I could either leave and not be seen or simply just not be seen. ALL the while, the dominant thought, through the entire dream: Eventually they'll either just sack me and say nothing about it, ever and I'll just keep coming here and not ever get a pay-cheque or they'll just stop paying me, but I need the income! - Got to a set of stairs and a lift. Had to choose what to do. Considered walking up but then realised that, once I'd left the ground floor, there MIGHT not be a way to get back to the side of this where I had access to the parking garage and that wouldn't do. If I walk up, I'll have to turn round and walk back down and that would be to obvious that I was just “appearing” busy OR somebody might think me “lost” and THAT would get into why I was there, who I was working with and on what project. Nope. In the lift, I could take it up to a floor and take another back down. I found a door, under the stairs and went through. I put me in a dark hall-way that eventually led to the parking garage where it was VERY dark. - There, I crouched as I made my way through the rows of vehicles, still trying to move about un-detected when 3 folks I knew, young, appeared. I was nervous because they might ask what I was doing in the garage instead of being at work but then realised THEY were there as well, so that was OK. When, arriving at the end of a row of vehicles, I did bump into them, I made the excuse of “looking for something I may have dropped on my way in this morning”. One of them made a light joke about “crawling about the car-park”, I made a joke about being low enough to grab crotches and was, therefore, safe enough,.I stood up-right as we laughed a bit and then I saw what appeared to be an “exit” door! At least, at last, I could get out of the building and, if necessary, go back to where I'd come in, in the first place, back to that room I'd started at, find my lap-top and other belongings... In the middle of “chatting” with these others, I simply headed, as if I knew where I was going, to the exit door and...
I looked at the clock... 7.30! I'd dozed for another hour and had had no idea that I'd fallen back to sleep! - OK... so now it's 8.43. Almost done with morning coffee in the time that's passed. I've been out to a smoke on the front porch. Over-cast this morning, chilly but not unbearable (and the furnace is running again!). And I've been in to see Yonah twice... to open the curtains and to “greet”. She's shedding ANOTHER large feather, from her right wing! I'm concerned and will look that up. Hopefully, it's “routine”. She's been at breakfast, I believe, so she's eating. (This after-noon, I'll get her cod liver oil. Hopefully it will be there when I arrive. I'm not too sure about it but...) And I've been out to the back to put more seed in the back feeder. And I'm sitting here pondering more work on the “Pee-Oh” sign or trying to think of some sort of “activity” for the day. I NEED to be “ACTIVE”. My “stomach” is “full”, my gut it too large, my chest is “uncomfortable” and it would take nothing to convince me to go for another “snooze”... Boredom? Or what? Well, as “time” usually does, this day will “attend” to itself... eventually. And already I'm thinking of tonight's “meal”. At some point this morning, I thought: I'm getting to be my mother... “retired”, just trying to “fill time”... “What's the hurry?” she would say. Indeed... WHAT? We're so adjusted to constantly being “occupied”, busy, needing to “do” something, at all times. And we KNOW that simply sitting back is futile and un-healthy. Ah, and this morning I think of Jacquie's “Lis”... sitting alone, in that old house, as it crumbles down around her, unable to walk about, drive any-where, go any-where, do any-thing, just sitting there on the phone, in front of the TV all day. “Life”... it comes to this. Some welcome it... others (like me) do not. OK. Fine. I'll find some sort of activity... as the time moves on. - The pee-oh will be opening eventually. That's always a great source of annoyance. And then? And then... - 8.56 LOOKS LIKE THE LIGHTS ARE DUE TO ARRIVE THIS EVENING! WELL! THERE'S SOMETHING TO “FILL THE TIME”... TONIGHT... AFTER “MEAL”. PERHAPS. That's fine. I was thinking of going to the dump tomorrow and coming back to the lights then, but a day earlier is fine too... So, it appears... Kinney's this after-noon, lights tonight, dump tomorrow and market on Wednesday. Thursday, Chanukah commences... Here we go... “holidays”... bloody, sodding holidays. Oh well... indeed, yes... “here we go”. - 16.58 The LIGHTS ARE IN THE WINDOWS! Am I “thrilled” with them? No, not really. They don't hang as I'd thought they might and WOW, are they EVER “Made In China”... cheap, light-weight shit. BUT... all 3 sets work properly (thus far) and so, on Thursday night, they'll be lighted and we shall see how it all goes. - Mean-while...
I WAS JUST IN WITH YONAH... SINGING TO THE “CHRISTMAS” MUSIC I'VE BEEN PLAYING FOR HER AND... AS I SUNG “STILLE NACHT”... SHE ALMOST DOZED-OFF!!! IT DID SO MUCH GOOD FOR MY HEART!!! APPARENTLY, SHE LIKES “CHRISTMAS” MUSIC! SO, 'TIS *HER* SEASON AND I'LL MAKE SURE TO SING FOR/WITH/TO HER AS OFTEN AS I POSSIBLY CAN! SHE'S BECOME MY HEART... AND SOUL... AND “LIFE”... TO BE SURE. BUT STILL, HOW I LOOK FORWARD TO THE MOMENT WHEN SHE TAKES FLIGHT... TO JOIN HERS. I'LL MISS HER TERRIBLY... BUT KNOWING SHE'S WELL AND WITH HER OWN... Last night I thought, again, of the “stats”: In the wild, her life-span averages 15 years. If she stays with me until Spring, there's the ,5... and surely, she'll have MANY more to come now. And hopefully, she'll become a “Mummie”, and she'll live on through her little ones who will then keep her alive with theirs.... LONG after I'm “gone”... PRECIOUS, PRECIOUS LITTLE ONE.
Meal time... cream of potato soup with “stir-fry” tonight. - 18.01 Well... “meal” is done. “News” is done. I'm done! - I DID get out this after-noon... The COD LIVER OIL WAS THERE AND... THE FOLKS AT THE PHARM COUNTER REMEMBERED ME! SO! YONAH GETS HER OIL TOMORROW! YAY! THEN... on to FamDoll where I was actually spoken to VERY nicely by Casey. I've been wondering why she's been so “distant” since I worked there AND why I've never been asked to “fill in” or put in any time at all. Well... I don't really care, to be honest. But so anyway... I came back and was mixing oil and seeds because the repeated recommendation is 5ml/500g oil/seed and to let it set 24 hours... when... UPS was HERE! All told? By 15.10 oil, smokes AND lights... here and done! - 18.23 Lights out for Yonah who stood watching me as I talked to her. Oh, tomorrow it'll all go back to her “usual”... she'll scatter-away from me, no doubt. - For now, I'm in “post-meal tired” but I'm going to try to stay awake until it's time for bed. Tomorrow after-noon is garbage. Wednesday is market. Thursday night begins Chanukah. And there we have it. (I'm SO TIRED right now though.) - 22.05 Later than I wanted to be heading for bed but... - Good news: The lights look quite lovely (I “tested” as I had last smoke.) Bad news: one set skips some lights... and of course, it's the Southern window. Will have to replace tomorrow and hope the other set works. Pain in the arse. Oh well... Garbage run is the only item on the list tomorrow any-way... and gas for the truck... in Westport... SHIT! Oh well, OK... off to bed.
Tue.08.Dec: 8.14 and I've been up and about, almost done with morning coffee, from since 6.04 this morning! Yes, indeed, from coffee to loo, 2 smokes, some soc.med., a check of the “snow” in the forecast (some of which is “drifting” along the roads as I type), and being pre-occupied with “budgeting” and a potential new “savings” account at Community (again). Ms. Yonah is up, her curtains are open, and I've put the “oiled seed” in for her “breakfast” (her acceptance/refusal is to be seen). Indeed, indeed, the morning has been rolling along. Nothing on the “agenda” other-wise, until this afternoon, when, hopefully, I'll head out to the dump and to put gas into the truck (hopefully). - “Feeling” this morning? Well, slightly “heavy”, but “functional”. Still, I can't imagine where the past 2 hours have gone to. - Just “another day”, all told. “News” is depressing and aggravating. “Health” is “annoying” at best. It's such a “delight” to be semi-consciously “aware” and some-what wondering whether or not I'll be suddenly attacked with horrific pain, or simply drop dead to the floor, or fade away, semi-conscious at some point during the coming hours. I wonder if I don't “think my-self to death” here most of the time or, is there actually “something in this old body” gnawing at the moments to come. Oh... it's such a “delight”... not. HOW do folks like Ev manage 94 years? Well... it's “every moment as it presents”, I suppose. - As for the rest of time, it will be what it is until it isn't. No sense simply staying in bed and “waiting”. (I've no doubt that, if Yonah wasn't here, I probably WOULD just stay in bed... “waiting”.) But, for now, I'm up, dressed and moving along. Hopefully weather will permit a run to the dump. That's surely necessary... whether I'm up, about and alive or... other-wise. So? Here we go... rolling along. - 15.45 WELL! Imagine THIS: At about 14.00 I got to “house-keeping” for Ms. Yonah... loo roll and a “cleaning of the perches”. That done, it was “stuff the bag in the bin” for garbage day. Pain in the arse this time... needed to double-bag! Finally, got it done and into the truck and on the road and rolling away (with oil pressure above the “mid”, damn-it!). At the dump, I was the only one there. The fellow in the shed waved, I waved, I dumped the bag (no sticker... YAY) and it was off to Westport for petrol... 25$ brought it to “close to full”! I'd thought of only 20, considering finances this month, but when it got to the 20 mark, I went for the extra 5 and I'm glad, now, that I did. OK! Back into the truck, back onto the road and back into the house! The day's “Agenda” is complete! I'm quite happy about that... especially since the garbage is gone AND Ms. Yonah's place is clean. Hey! AND today, she got the seeds with the cod liver oil! (She's not too thrilled about it... poor baby... made all sorts of “mouth movements” this morning and FLUFFED-UP! “New flavour”, I suppose. One note of note: when I came back, just now, as I pulled into the drive off the main, TWO mourning doves in flight! Her “folks” are out there. If she were fine and her wing, good... I'd consider. But, she's just shy of 2 months of convalescence, and now she's getting her vitamins and minerals so... we'll give it more time.) - Fine. “Meal” will be “pasta prima stir fry” tonight... yoghurt to follow. Tomorrow... MARKET! - Also notes of notable noting: MY EYES A RE FUCKED! I'd like to now WHAT's going on but... It's just annoying. I SHOULD have gone on those drives I thought I ought to take... Lake Placid and such. But... oh well... I never made it back to Israel either.) - 22.39 Meal was good. Had a “snooze” after... of course. It's HORRIBLE... but I can't stay awake after eating... same thing with “tea”! Anyway... started going through the gmls because they're in one of their “we're deleting if you're not using” phases so I got most of the accounts looked-at and for some, I've “requested” my “data” so I can just clean them all out. And... aggravation on Twtr with this “election” bull-shit. THAT sickens me. - BUT... YONAH IS ALL DOWN FOR THE NIGHT AND I'VE ORDERED A “FULL-SPECTRUM” BULB TO ARRIVE 10-15 DECEMBER. And tomorrow is “market” day. So? So... there we have it. And now, I'm out for last smoke because I've had 3 waters and that's that for this and that. Fukkit!
Wed.09.Dec: 8.26 I've been out of bed from since 7.00, and, of course, had coffee and vits., spent about 45 minutes in the loo (for nothing but scanning the météo and Twtr), and just in from a smoke, watching the “town clown plough” pass along the literal “dusting” of “snow” (tax dollars at... play). Ms. Yonah is up and about, curtain open. She's quite “sedate” this morning, but looking all the well-for-wear. Bless her. It's a rather “slow start” to the day, but, so be it. At least I think I actually “slept” last night, though, lights went out some-where between 23.30 and mid-night, which is why I didn't bother to get up with the alarms. And as for “general state of health” this morning, well... let's just call it “the usual” and leave it at that. The “agenda”? Market, at some point. The forecast is for the same as it is presently: over-cast and “flocons” through the day. So we shall see. Right now, I'll check the “down-loads” of e-mails, attend to those and take it from there. Then we'll “move along”. Ah... another day... another day... another day. - 15.52 BLUE SCREEN!!! “HARD DRIVE NOT INSTALLED!!! WHAT-THE-FUCK NOW? AND AFTER SUCH A GRANDLY PRODUCTIVE DAY!!! FUCK!!! TIME TO REPLACE THIS “COSTCO” SHIT... I SUPPOSE “THE TIME” HAS ARRIVED... THERE GOES ANY “STIMULUS” (*IF* WE ACTUALLY EVER GET ANY, WHICH IS MOST DOUBTFUL AT THIS JUNCTURE... THE SHITS. AND I LOOKED-IT UP (THANK GOODNESS FOR THE PHONES THAT DO INTERNET.) AND SURE ENOUGH, THERE IT WAS... AND EVEN “DELL” COULDN'T GIVE A REASON OR A “FIX”. I TURNED THE LAP-TOP OFF, WENT COMPLETELY NUMB (AS I TEND TO DO WHEN “OVER-LOAD” STRIKES) AND WHEN I TURNED IT BACK ON, HERE I AM. THAT'S WHAT THE “HELP” SITES SAID. WELL, NOT THE “TECHS”, THE “USERS”. HONESTLY, IT EXHAUSTING, THE DUMB-FUCKERIE IN THE WORLD. WELL... AS I SAY, THE DAY WENT TOO WELL. WE SIMPLY CANNOT HAVE THAT!!! FUCK! - And so, about the day... I was out of here at about 11.30 and headed to the market where I got about 70$ in groceries. There's another 140 left on the card but I got ALMOST every-thing on the list! Potatoes, oils, ice cream, boneless chicken (because tomorrow I'm having a “holiday dinner” and wanted to replace the breast that I'm thawing for that), sour cream for the latkes, AND KALE FOR Ms. YONAH (which I'm not sure she's too thrilled with/about but, it's a “live and learn” with her and I surely don't mind at least trying to keep her diet better than what she'd have “out there” for now). So, it was in, round and out, with list ticked. (Oh, no garlic again... morons.) The truck ran quite well, thankfully and so, we made it there and back in good time. - Once in the house, I BROUGHT YONAH TO THE KITCHEN (in the cage, of course) AND AS I UN-PACKED, CLEANED KALE, PREPPED THE CHICKEN AND HAD MY TOAST AND GINGER TEA, WE LISTENED TO “CHRISTMAS” MUSIC AND THEN SOME REGGAE (which is still playing in the living-room). SHE SEEMED TO ENJOY BEING WITH ME AS I DANCED AND SANG AND WORKED!!! MUST DO THAT MORE OFTEN... A CHANGE OF SCENERY AND MORE “EXPOSURE” TO ME. SHE'S NOT “COZY” WITH ME, BUT SHE WAS MUCH MORE AT EASE IN THE KITCHEN WITH ME. Her left wing is still not “right”, but it does look as if it's healing well. This morning, before I woke, I had a “snap dreamlette” of her being in the house, free. Somebody came to the door and as I answered, she flew out the front door, and up beyond the porch and away. Premonitory? Well, if not for the weather, I'd surely let her out now. But, the thought of her not being able to fly any distance, and having that “injury” on the wing, my heart breaks thinking of her, earth-bound, in snow and ice. So, we'll hang together a little while longer. I'll miss her terribly, but... - And so, it was about 14.45 or so and groceries were put-up, I chopped some kale and put it out for the birds... I've set-up a “styro” with seed and kale on the back rail... mostly for the mourning doves that gather out there... There are about 3-5 “regulars”. I NEED to figure a way to make it easier for them to get food... and NOT on the ground. And the chicken was in the freeze... all was done. - I stepped out to the front porch and a woman from down the road (her husband just died last year and I WISH I could remember who she is... I can't think of how to find out but maybe I'll get the chance to “ask” Vivian or Alvin? We shall see. Anyway, we got talking about Nursing and such and I told her of my back-ground. “I wish I'd know last year.” she said. And then told me that “North Country Hospice” is desperate for people! And, if I decide to “come back” and go to them and I speak with a “Melanie” (GOD NO! A NURSE NAMED “MELANIE”? Nah... I'd sooner do private anyway) to tell her that “this woman” “highly recommends” me. Oh well... I don't cherish the notion of working through another agency so... we shall see what, if anything comes of this... or not. - And so, the sun is all but gone already. Ms. Yonah is back in “her room” at 'her window”. She ALMOST cozied-up to me today, whilst we were in the kitchen! Maybe... one of these days... - Chicken thighs in the oven now and I'm ready for a snooze! (And scared shitless about this fucking lap-top. It would be “my life” to lose it for the holidays.) - 21.10 Have been on Twtr for quite a while... no responses. Hmmm... oh well... - Now I'm tired. NO post-meal snooze tonight! -Weather tomorrow is expected to be clear. GOOD for Yonah in her window! YAY! Me? Still trying to decide whether or not to put up the 3rd string of lights across the front porch. But tomorrow... LATKES! AND CHANUKIAH! (As if...) - I've put the banquing and pass-word spread sheets on the phones. Will post this text to the on-line journals before bed... just in case this shit-box doesn't come back up in the morning. - I can't worry about it tonight... it's time for a “nap”. - But it was a WONDERFUL day today. (Thanks, in most part, to Yonah.) -
Thu.10.Dec:
|
| "Chanukah: Latkes, Chicken, Apple Sauce, Cran-Pom" |
And Yonah has had her “dinner” and is on her perch. OH GOD! She's TRULY become my heart and soul! Her beak look like it could use a “shave” though... I wonder why. She's getting good stuff to eat, and her place is kept clean. THAT worries me. I HOPE she doesn't hate me. I just can't, in good heart, put her out there in the cold that is AND the BITTERNESS that's yet to come! Oh... maybe I worry too much... or, it's just the “Hell” that's supposed to be my existence. - 22.43 Well... a delightful “common”, “typical” night... Fawlty Towers and a v-ton (to “celebrate”) and now I'm tired... I'll take a “brief” shower before bed. - Just in from last halfie and the coyotes are howling in the dark down the road. - The lights are all working perfectly well, though the row on the bottom of the one window won't hang straight. Oh well... - And one of the “air fresheners” that I tried to “re-constitute” leaked. Green water on the “table-table” in the window. Jolly. Thankfully, not stain. Just a “clean-up”. - Oh well... DINNER WENT PERFECTLY! Will have to work on getting photos and video onto the servers tomorrow... after a trip into town for more smokes (I NEED to cut this shit out!) and more butter (on sale) and... what-ever. - Yep... “holiday”. There we have it. (I wonder if anybody in town noticed the lights... not that I particularly care.) - Another day... - And Yonah is in her room, safe, and sound, and hopefully resting. Precious Love.
|
|
|
Fri.11.Dec: (2 years ago today: Ms. “Franklin” had had a delivery of fire-wood JUST before a snow-fall... today, then, the wood was still frozen at the bottom of the pile but I *hauled* it into the garage anyway whilst she was “at work”. After several hours of *hauling*, I was exhausted. I put my slippers on and went out to stack the kitchen and stoke the wood-stove and a piece, covered in ice, slid off the stack and SLAMMED into my left foot! Moments later I realised: something was broken! Well... I rang Pam and Dave to ask them to “look in” on Hallie and Mimou because I was heading to the ER. Pam made mention that she and Dave were already into the wine but asked if I wanted Dave to drive me. I declined - of course - and drove my-self. When, 2 days later, “Madame” had returned, she noticed the “velcro shoe” on my foot and when I told her of the break and how it happened, her response: “You need to be more careful.” The matter was dropped, I changed the subject.) 8.19 Slept-in, to be sure... until about 7.30. Why? Because I did. But, coffee at hand, a quick-half-smoke in the living-room, the table cloth is hanging in the shower, washed Yonah is up and about, curtain open on the day and... I'm just having “one of those mornings” where it's just a slight tad of a bit “annoying” to breathe. Hacked-up a “noticeable clot” of some sort, but from since... well... I'm obviously taking breaths. - Still in the robe. Will cut hair and quick shower before dressing... to (hopefully) roll into town to fetch butter whilst on sale, salt, which isn't NEEDED but will be needed soon enough and what-ever else comes to mind in the mean-while and smokes, of course. IF I'm to have a “martini” on “New Year”, there's vodka and vermouth to be gotten... I'm hoping to get the NYSEG (which I STILL think of as “ConEd”... after all these years) bill WAY before then, since the reading went in yesterday. I'll be “playing” with the budget this month but hey! Year end...rear end... fukkem both. Eh? - OK. That said... on with... coffee. What comes along, comes along, what doesn't, doesn't and there we have it... Ah... “first day of Chanukah”... and no different from any other day.. I suppose every day is a “first”... for some time or another. - At least Yonah is still moving about and safe... it's cold out there this morning... “frosty”. - 11.10 Hair got cut... coffee's done. And now... to hopefully head to town to return and CLEAN this place! I don't know where the fucking morning went! - 12.44 To Aubuchon's (no cuttle bone for Yonah... damn it!). Kinney's... no cuttle bone... Tops... GARLIC! YAY! AT LAST! And butter, salt, pepper... 1 bag veggies and we're ON the list! Off to FamDoll where they're taking “cash only” a-fucking-gain, so it was a MUST to fucking Stewart's for only 1 pack of smokes but that's better than none. And back to the house... Vits. time now and “Yonah's house-keeping” when done. Then... house-keeping in THIS place. And then? And then...Well? Table cloth will be clean tonight. Hairs cut for tonight. I suppose that's all OK... considering my general attitude toward just about everything. BUT, I MUST say... this “darkness” that hangs over all of us these days, with this “mask” and “avoid” just makes the time such a fucking inconvenience. And that “message about Lake Placid”... “covid in the schools”... Fukkit! Really. It takes ALL the inclination to travel completely out of a day. I look so forward to coming back to the house and being “IN” and NOT “amongst”. (Truth is... I don't like leaving Yonah alone. Even when I walked back in just moments ago, she became “animated”, as if happy to know I'm here. MAYBE, on some level, she DOES understand that I'm doing my best for her. BUT... she's looking “thin”... I HAVE to find some-thing to give her a little “bulk”... will look that up... “Cod liver oil”? Somebody had posted that they give their birds “olive oil”. Will investigate.) - Now... oatmeal and vits and on with the day. - 15.29 Yonah's house is clean. The house is double-Hoovered. The kitchen floor has been mopped. I've ha a moment's smoke on the front porch. AND THE FRONT DOOR IS OPEN! BUT... when I stepped-in from out there, the place smells SO “JUST SCRUBBED”! A lettle “fresh air” and... WOW! And tonight? ON TIME shower and to bed! No, the linens aren't changed and the table cloth is still too damp to be put on the table but... Hey! Major “work du jour” is done. And tonight's meal? I'll just pop the rest of the “latkes” in to fry and there we have it. - I have a small head-ache at the moment, but... - And I mixed a bit of “fruits” baby food with some seed for Ms. Yonah this evening... First “real” night of the “holiday”. Let's see what comes of it. - Gotta close the door... the furnace just kicked. Oh well. It was nice whilst it lasted. - 18.19 WELL! The table cloth was dry enough to put on the table as the latkes cooked so... the remaining half of the boneless breast from last night and the latkes are now done! Imagine? TWO MEALS! Money saver AND filling AND quite delicious! Can't go wrong with that! Sadly... I sat to dine at about 17.10 and by 18.00... washing-up was done. And now having a hot water. - The lights are on in the windows. 3 candles on the “Chanukia”. The house-work is done. Light out for Yonah... in her “relatively” clean home. And soon, I'm off to the shower and to bed. Tomorrow? Saturday. Sadly, more time with the pee-oh, but... nothing “needs” to be done tomorrow. “Shabbat”. - It's chilly tonight. I'm just glad Yonah is here... protected. - And I'm just in from post-meal smoke and the coyotes were howling at 17.00 already. My “little place in the Adirondacks”. Impossible? Probably. But here it is and here I am and... - Note: In all the years of living in The City, I always had “clean” chest x-rays... VT ruined that... as well as my back (the barn at 5225) and my foot (5199). - Also, thought: Collecting my Soc.Sec. now... I biked, in the dark, in the rain, to get to the Pine Bush PO, to get to the E. Fairfield PO; I walked to work in The City. I've WORKED for these days... I've EARNED these days. No regrets. - 20.06 Just stepped out for a smoke... Sean and Cliff were out. Cliff ducked in. Sean called across the road “Cool lights. The girls like them, I wanted to bring them over to have a look.” I was almost in TEARS! I'm doing alright in New Russia. (So tempted to order them a set and have them shipped to them...) - 22.36 A nice shower with Bat Oren, sitting in the robe that matches the table cloth (and the “throw” on the bed and the one on the futon... though the fabric for the robe, “drop cloth” as they all are, is much lighter weight) at the table and ready for lights-out round the house. - Found a “new” Brit-com to watch. “Birds of a Feather”... with the theme song “What'll I Do?”... Yeah... what'll I do, when you, Yonah, are far away, and I am wond'ring who... what'll I do? Imagine? Imagine. - On that note, this day is done, another Shabbat is under-weigh and all is silent round this “little place in the Adirondacks”. Tomorrow will take care of itself. Though tonight, I've taken a Naproxen. Since stopping the nightly, I've been having those “contractions” again. Hmmm... must be the blood. “Clots”? “Clumps”? What-ever... I've a little lady to attend for the next couple of months... GOT to be in best of condition. - There we have it.
Sat.12.Dec: 10.00 on the mark.... I “slept” too low for the most part, last night. Was up thrice to pee, at about mid-night, 1 and 3.00. Lights were out at about 23.00. But at 3.00, I woke in a “sweat”, the pillow was quite wet, so I took it off “the stack” and actually fell asleep... but, as I say, too low, too flat. So this morning has been a bit “rough” with the “breathing”. Not “'impossible”, but easily winded. - Didn't get out of bed until almost 8.00! And even then, I could have stayed, were it not for needing to get to Yonah. So, I was up, coffee on, open Yonah's curtains, and since, I've put the last of the out-door seed into the feeder, washed the “whites”, and CHECKED THE OIL... DOWN NOT QUITE A QUARTER! DOING WELL WITH THE OIL! THANKFULLY! - And now... sitting to have morning coffee at table.... dressed in clean clothes, washing on the rack. The morning is rolling along. But yes, sadly, 2 Naproxen appear to be “necessary”. And perhaps part of this morning's “haze in the head” is the over-lap of last night's 22.00 dose and then the next at 8.00. Oh well... The things we do for... what-ever. - And the pee-oh pain was in to open at 8.30! So it's to be a “long morning” with that shit. Alas. - “Agenda” for the day? Well... considering it's not bitter cold but it IS to be over-cast all bleating day... we shall play it all as it comes along. Perhaps work on the “Post Office” sign. Other-wise... nothing. “Shabbat”, I suppose. - 23.54 Got into a bit of a “chat”with Gina on Twtr, after meal and that passed some time. “Meal”... I put an almost still frozen burger into the non-stick with some “Italian Blend” veg, added some flour and a tin of black beans (which explains the flatulence tonight... and there's more than plenty of it, damn). A couple of thin slices of bread and, of course, ate the entire thing. It was filling... and I got my beef and veg. Ice cream after. Not too bad... I don't suppose. Then, onto a few more episodes of “Birds of a Feather” until just now. The time passes... when I'm not paying attention. And now... it's time to get to bed and of course, I don't want to. Couldn't but barely keep my eyes open most of the day... I HATE going to bed! Don't know why... but... then again... there's always that “terror”... of what could happen whilst I'm sleeping... and how I'll be in the morning... if there is one. Waking with lungs full. I really need to stop this shit. But I took the 2nd Naproxen at about 19.00. I don't know that it's doing any good... the Naproxen and the vits. But no sense stopping it all now... no telling what THAT might do and I've got Yonah to think of these days. - It's been raining. Not snowing... raining. It's supposed to keep through until... Tuesday night down to -12. Jolly! - Oh well... I'm in from last smoke. Tomorrow I'll have to head for more smokes. New “sales” at market too. - Oh... Yonah ate almost ALL of the egg and broccoli today! AND, she's getting calmer when I put my hand into the cage. I fucked it up with her bit of card-board though, this evening. I put it from above! MUST remember NEVER to do that again. It upsets her! Sliding it is better. I don't want her to “trust” people... but I don't want her afraid of me any more. I SO wish there was a way to get her to understand that I want her well and fit and healthy, come the warmer weather. I SO wish there was a way. Yes, I'll miss her, terribly, when she's off and out there again. But, that's where she belongs... with a “family”. - Her new light come Monday, if the postal doesn't fuck THAT up too. Hopefully that'll make her more comfortable... give her more light during these dreary days to come. We'll see. It's nice having a life to care for and about. - Well? Time to brush teeth and see about a snooze. I don't want to sleep in too late. It's Sunday, no pee-oh, but Yonah's up and about by 7.00 and I owe her an open window. She's got enough food already. Fresh seeds. Still... open window is better. - Time to wrap this day up. Truly.
Sun.13.Dec: 0.06 REALLY... time to wrap this day up! - 9.01 already. I got out of bed at 7.30, put a shirt in to wash, wasted time in the loo, the shirt is now hanging to dry and... it's a “warmish”, grey, damp morning out there on the front porch from whence I'm just in from morning smoke. It was a “heavy” morning, this. But motion has relieved that, to a point. - Slept rather OK. Woke at 2.22 (an hour I can't forget) from a “dreamlette” where-in I was in bed, wanting to sleep-in but there was a dog or cat or both, banging on the bed... one of those “dreams” where it actually felt as if the bed was being shaken. I had to pee, so I got up and did so. But in the “dreamlette”, I thought some-body else was in the house to attend to the animals... and then, realised I'm in the house alone and there was that moment of “loneliness” that struck, and the realisation that I was “dreaming” and that the only way to combat the feeling was to wake up. There'd been one previous trip to the loo, at about 1.30 or so as well. Lights were out at about 0.45, I believe. I started to read a bit of Kafka before bed. Ah... another “strange” sort of night. - I got up and out of bed to open Yonah's curtains for her. She was awake, but with the towelling being some-what askew, she must have been “active” at some point during the night. That always causes concern. I wonder what gets her to pulling things apart in there. But, she's up... and has had her “breakfast” and is now calm. Sweet, precious love that she is. - As for the day? I am, of course, putting-off a smokes-run (come to think, the FamDoll isn't taking cards again, so it means a trip to Stewart's which means... no spending on anything else... and anything else would be seed for the back feeder, but I'm seriously considering just using the general seed from Yonah's container, since that can be replaced when I buy the next bag... putting things off already this morning). - I REALLY shouldn't have had what-ever it was that I had for “meal” last evening. The “gas” is annoying this morning. But, the little bit of a BM helped relieve the “heaviness” of the morning. I need to find some activity for these days... I'd considered getting more greens for the front porch but, as it is with most of my “considerations”, I don't really want to be bollocksed. I OUGHT to get to the “PO” sign. OUGHT. We'll see. Other-wise... it's all just “other-wise”. I'm “up”, awake, about and... - Butter is on “coupon” again, this week, at market. Nothing else, really. Oh well... surely I'll find something... some “activity”... I'd really like to just un-dress and go back to bed... or futon... Alas and OK then. - Clouds and drear in the forecast any-way. - Just checked on Yonah's light... It's in BUFFALO as of 6.49pm yesterday! BUFFALO! The mental retardation is still rather astounding. It shouldn't be. “Due” to arrive tomorrow. Yeah... fucking chance, that. Fuktardz. - 16.23 Chicken and potatoes in the oven. I put the first coat of black on the “Post Office” on the sign... I don't like it, but... And I did so at the “plant table” on the pee-oh-side of the living room with the late day sun which is now OH, so gone already. “Wasted day”? Oh, pretty much so. But a “day” is mere moments lately. Alas. But at least I did more than “snooze” all day... I suppose. - Ms. Yonah is “fluffed and perched” for “end of day”. Plenty to eat and drink for the over-night, but there's “house-keeping” required which will be done tomorrow. She's been listening to the entire “collection” of music on the iPod today. No one type/genre in particular. So there. - I'm just looking forward to getting to bed tonight. Why? Simply because. - I gleaned the soc.med. “news” today. More fucking stupidity in politics and this “flu” shit. Honestly, either I'm paying more attention to it or the ignorance and stupidity is getting increasingly prevalent. Well? Nothing to be done about it. - Tomorrow, a trip into “the city” and market and putting this journal together with photos and onto the servers. - The “budgeting” this month is screwed. I want martinis for New Year and I'm on “last pack” of smokes even already. So? So... We shall figure it all out. (I just wish I could get the NYSEG bill!) Hey, at least I know there's an income. - Mean-while, Yonah's light is in Buffalo which means it'll go to Albany tomorrow, then on to E-town and then to here. Won't be here until Tuesday... at the earliest. More stupidity. Ah... this old world. - 18.42 2 pcs. chicken, a baked potato with sour cream, “Stir Fry” veg., ice cream... meal is done! AND... after, I stepped out for a smoke and Anita (Deming) came by after “running” her dog and backed-up to COMPLIMENT THE LIGHTS! THAT'S TWO COMPLIMENTS! Well! There we have it: the place is a “land-mark”! - Fine that it is... the lights are on, the Chanukiah is glowing and I'm having hot water now. Was scrolling the soc.med. but that's done... it's too annoying. - Hopefully, soon to bed tonight. Tomorrow? It'll take care of itself. - 23.14 Another binge of “Birds of a Feather”. Thankfully, a short night on the soc.med. And now? Still working through the finances and how to “play” with them. It'll work-out well enough but... Oh... what the Hell. Eh? The bills will be paid on time. I can swing that much. - And so. Off to bed. Tomorrow? Market... and perhaps... “provisions” for the 31st, as sit were. It'll probably be the last so... - And much thought about Yonah. I wonder... will “Life” be so cruel? I shouldn't doubt it. - Gina was “so taken” tonight when I mentioned the “WTC” affair. People just have NO clue. But, it IS as I said to her before: some people can never live in an entire life-time... Me? I've shoved a few life-times into my relatively short years... when I did. And I think of all the folks I've “dated”, THOUGHT I'd be with forever... I've been to places many people would only imagine ever being, I've worked in place other people would envy. Yeah... I've done one HELL of a lot. Damned shame I've nothing now from any of it. But... I've got this little place... in the Adirondacks... and a truck in the back yard... and a little feathered life that has my heart and soul. Life is OK, really. I've actually “been there, done that”.
Mon.14.Dec: 10.42 Yes... I “slept-in” again, this morning, not getting out of bed until about 8.30. Oddly, I've just emptied the coffee into the back at the “usual” hour, so the timing on “activities” is as usual. I don't know why, exactly, but if Yonah wasn't here, I would have, most likely, just stayed in bed until... She IS my reason for getting up and going on. - Now, I need to make a list of “errands” this morning. Probably “New Year's martini”, food for the birds on the back gallery, quick stop at the market (“Cabot” butter with coupon?) and smokes. Today we “play” with the “budget”. Alas and oh well then. - Other-news, the morning began “well”, got a bit on the “heavy” side, but the “coughing-up” was CLEAR. One can never figure this out. I'm almost of the belief that it's all a matter of “stomach”... “hiatal hernia” and “Dung-lung”. What-ever it is, it is. - Should be getting up to 0° round about now. Let's hope the truck will bring us “there” and “back”. Oh... just another day... - 11.08 Yep... Postal fucked the light bulb... “In transit”... from fucking Buffalo! - 12.52 Back from “the city” where the liquor store is closed, but I got seed for the birds, soil to plant the “romaine” stub and “sprouts” for Yonah ('tis said “they” will nibble on them... “we” shall see). Smokes at Stewart's. Butter, yoghurt, ice cream and beef, veg for a “stew”. What-ever... and now 'tis time for “tea” and vits. Then? What-ever. Going out just pisses me off. people... At the market, 2 old crows with trollies PACKED and one cashe. Morons. So I stood there, bandana on my chin, appearing to be in “respiratory stress”... they opened another registre! WOOHOO! And so... - The oil pressure is still “high” at start, but seemed a bit “low” when I returned. NOTHING had better be “wrong” with that truck now! Especially with the oil! - And so... I'm “playing” with the budget but... I can't give a fuck... I've none left. - 22.25 Meal was “Pasta Prima Stir-Fry” and quite good, followed by ice cream and a bit of soc.med. followed quite quickly by “Birds of a Feather” several episodes. And now? I'm in my “robe” after a nice shower and off to bed! Another day... done. - SAD, TROUBLE-SOME, HORRIFIC AND SICKENING NEWS: THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE HAS, APPARENTLY, CAST THEIR VOTES AND WE'RE BACK IN ANOTHER 4 YEARS OF A “WHITE OBAMA”! JEEZUS FUCKING KRISTE! I DREAD THIS... BUT ONLY UNTIL YONAH IS FREE AGAIN. I'LL JOIN HER.
Tue.15.Dec: 6.02 at table.... but woke, as “up, awake, almost ready to get out of bed) at 2.22, then 4.22, then 5.42 and here I am... at table... kettle on. Why? Because. For no reason, no excuse, just am. - Water's ready! - 8.54 Well, OK then. This morning has been “productive”... so to speak. I've managed to “report the downed line” going into the pee-oh, to Vrzn, via “Gaston” on Twtr. Best to let them attend to it. I figure, should *I* handle it in ANY manner, and ANY-THING should happen to ANY sort of “service” to that shit-box (pee-oh), *I* will be the one who will be blamed. SO... let “the company” handle it. There's a “ticket” on it now. Let's see what comes of this. (OH... the “excitement” of it all... fuck.) - Ms. Yonah has been “served” her cod liver oil breakfast and I see, by her little “beak movements” that she's already partaken. I don't know that she's “fond” of it, but it's cute to see the “tasting” movements of the beak. “Strange flavours”, I'm sure. The remainder of the seed (I'd done about 250gms, last week, refridged the left-over but won't leave it more than a week) is in the feeder out-side. THAT should disappear in short course. Also, separated some of the seed bought yesterday and there were peanuts in there so I've “ground” them down to “Yonah-size” (she won't eat the larger seeds... I still need a mortar and pestle for the larger seeds for her) in a bowl, with fork and spoon. Added to her “regular” mix of “wild” and “Petco” seed for later. - Chanukiah candles have been refreshed. And the under-items are in the basin on a soak. - Last coffee from the press in the mug. When the lavage is done, I'll get to that. But, mean-while... it's been a “rolling” sort of morning. - Météo is threatening... MINUS 25 TONIGHT/TOMORROW MORNING! JEEZUS! TALK ABOUT “PLUMMET”! Alas. Well, I'll just have to be certain to start and run the truck, to be sure. - 9.02 and I hear that WALL-POUNDING IN THE PEE-OH... Ms. Arse-streak has arrived. I swear she makes a concerted, conscious effort toward making as much WALL-BANGING as she possibly can. Fucking “trash”, that one. Her and her “in-breed concubine” down the road. (I was thinking: of the 3 Demings in town here, not one looks like the other... John stays to him-self for the most part, John O. as well... but Mr. “Peter-in-the-pee-oh”... speaks for itself... old biddy.) Oh well. I suppose every “rural town” has to have at least a few of “that sort of thing”. - As for me... I need to get all of this lap-top journal onto the servers and today is “house-keeping” for Yonah... quite necessary. And I DO believe I'm about to take a “snooze”. Why? Because I CAN! The “important” stuff is rolling along... 30 minutes won't be of any horrific consequence... besides, when that shit-box opens, I do tend to go into a bit of a depression. - 11.12 “House-keeping” is DONE... for Yonah AND the house! Indeed... Hoovered corner-to-corner! - YONAH'S LIGHT IS “LOST” AS OF TODAY! IT LEFT BUFFALO AND THERE'S NO TRACE OF IT THIS MORNING! I'M FUCKING FED-THE-FUCK-UP! HAVE CONTACTED WALMARDE TO LET THEM KNOW THAT USPS IS NOT TO BE TRUSTED. - Now... on to “tea time”. (I took an hour's snooze earlier, but I'm still on the 6am “wake up and roll”.) - 14.35 I HAVE TO MAKE A NOTE OF THIS: This morning, I sent a message to Walmart via on-line to tell them abut the horrible experience with USPS in general and the order of the light-bulb for Yonah, in particular. WELL... I received the most WONDERFUL e-mail from them with a “code” for 10$ off my next 15$ purchase! SO... I CALLED to say thank you and spoke with a woman named “Sharon” who not only THANKED ME for calling but added an additional 25$ off my next 45$ purchase! I was literally almost in TEARS! I NEVER expected any kindness from this. At best, I expected a form-letter “Thank you for your... &c.”! There's MORE I want to get for Yonah and now... I'll be making a serious list! I'm in a bit of a shock! - Meanwhile, Yonah is grabbing the last of the setting sun, there's sun-light in the living-room, the house is so in order and me? Well... I'm up for another snooze! Kindness exhausts me! (How fucking sad to say such a thing but...) - Have had “tea and vits.” too. Next? Meal... and then bed... again. What a day. Eh? - 23.03 Off to bed... 3 episodes of “Birds of a Feather” and entirely too late to bed... again. Off to teeth-brushing and....
Wed.16.Dec: 7.58 And I'm up, dressed, coffee at hand, “Heavy” in the chest, in from a smoke and big gulps of -16° air out there. Ms. I almost dragged me out of the bed at about 7.25... I think I slept “well enough” last night with one loo-toddle at... 1.11 this morning. - Yonah's place looked as if she'd been partying through the night: perch down, kitchen roll up. Makes me wonder, indeed. (Could there be mice trying to get at her food during the night? I just wonder. Or, does she have dreams of “free flight”? I just wonder.) - Well, more than likely it DID manage to drop to the -25 of forecast over-night. I MUST make sure to, at least, start the truck and get the fluids circulating at some point today. Other-wise, I really don't have anything on an “agenda” for the day, really. - Of note of late: Not sure “where” it comes from, exactly, but I get this “foul” odour, in the nose, a “perception” of “rot” from some-where on/in/about my person. It's not in my clothes and I don't actually smell it on my person, the parts of my person that I can get to smell. But there's this “wafting” sort of malodour... Now that too, makes me wonder. - OK, well... I've had “first coffee” and vits. I suppose there's something to be said for that much anyway. (And, I notice, that I can still type rather well with-out looking at the key-board so.... ) It' nothing more than the usual “lingering doom of a day”... “Will I suddenly drop to the floor today?” or “Will my lungs suddenly fill with bodily fluids?” or “Will some 'essential' bodily organ go into painful failure?” or “Will I just toddle through another day until again, I'll be annoyed with me because it's become 'later than I'd planned on being in bed'?” Time, darling... will tell all... what-ever amount of “time” there is... or isn't. - Tally Ho! and Sally forth... and a bit of “Kadima” for measure. - 16.19 Tonight's “quick stew” is on the boil. The garbage is out in the bin. This, following one of those “heart attacks” the “medical professionals” always claim I DON'T have. But, here I am, typing, so... NOTHING UNTOWARD HAD BETTER HAPPEN TO ME UNTIL YONAH IS FLYING FREE AGAIN! THAT'S ALL I'M GOING TO SAY... AND CONTINUE SAYING! FUCK! I HATE “Life” and the world, and Creation as it is. Let's not make it any worse. - And so... 'TWAS APPROXIMATELY 13.45 WHEN “VERIZON” ROLLED OUT OF THE DRIVE... HAVING RE-CONNECTED THAT CABLE, BACK TO WHERE IT OUGHT TO BE! LESS THAN 24 HOURS AFTER REPORTING IT! AH... ALDEN CLAIMED THAT HE'D GET SUCH A HARD TIME AND RUN-AROUND WITH VERIZON IF HE WERE TO REPORT IT. WELL? HE DID LEAVE IT TO ME TO ATTEND AND SO I DID. THE BULL-SHIT THESE DAYS IS MORE THAN ENOUGH TO GIVE ANY-BODY A HEART ATTACK, OR AN ANEURISM, OR A SIMPLE BREAK-DOWN! FUCKING SHITS, THE LOT. BUT, THE CABLE IS NOW BACK UP ALONG THE REST OF THE LINES AND NOT TO BE THOUGHT OF AGAIN... UNTIL IT COMES DOWN AGAIN. IT TOOK THE “CREW” ALL OF ABOUT 10 MINUTES. DONE... BEAUTIFULLY. At first, I thought they'd taken it down completely, but when I put the garbage out, I checked. It's there. Secured. Ah... yes... leave it to me. - In OTHER “news”, JUST as Verizon left, I went out, started the truck and brought it round to the kitchen and let it run a few moments whilst I prepared to take a travel. Off to “Boquet” for New Year's “ little bottle of “Absolute” and a bottle of vermouth. (Under 20$, thankfully.) Martini's on the 31st! (IF I hold that long... which I WILL, if *I* have ANY say in the matter. Fuck.) Then to market for more butter (whilst on sale), noodles (for tonight's mess), yoghurt (simply because) and more minced beef that I've tossed into the freezer straight away... for the next “quick stew”. Ah... when I got back to the house and checked the “balance” on the FS... there's 12$ MORE on there than there was when last I'd gone to market. Not asking. It's there, appreciated. (FS drop next month anyway.) - Whilst in the market, bumped into Julius who just about confirmed his “Morgen” is, more or less, in residence there. They'll be “fixtures” between Christmas and New Year as they were supposed to be on holidays and planned a trip to NC but “because of covid”... they'll make little excursions. He's still talking of moving... now it's “March”. Says his grand told him that he HAD to leave a HALF TANK of oil when he goes. I told him that I took this place with 1/8th. Hey! If that's good enough for me... Fuck the rest of the world, indeed. Says Julius, he's planning on not re-filling the tank until February. I have to wonder: what's the capacity of that tank (though he did say that he just had about 190gals delivered...) and HOW, if he has one thermostat set at 67F (as he claims), can he believe he'll use that little... especially come the Jan-Feb deep freeze. If he uses LESS oil than I, I'll KNOW there's something wrong with THIS furnace. - But and so and any-way... the truck got a run today, after last night's bitterness. There's “martinis” in the house for end of month/year. Food is cooking for daily meal. AND Ms. Yonah is in good shape. She's had music all day, dearest love. - Her light bulb is in Albany now... from Rochester, Buffalo and God only knows where else! I'd truly like to throat-punch the shit-bags who've been “handling/delivering” that thing. (I still have to shop Walmarde before March too! I've got store credits!) - I'm TIRED now. I did manage a 30-minute snooze this morning, 10.45-11.15. I've a moment or so before “meal”. And I'm feeling rather “well” about to-day. Yes, I'm “playing” with the budget, but, should all go as it should (“should”), bills will be covered for January... and there's still enough on “HEAP” for another 200gals of oil. We'll be fine. - I'm off to snooze... briefly. - 19.55 (HAH!) First hot water almost done and the “stew” turned-out OK... just not seasoned nearly enough. BUT, I'd gotten noodles at market so it was quite nicely filling. - Have done with soc.med. for the night. - AND THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A SNOW STORM ON US BY ABOTU 21.00! (I'll believe when I see.) - Meanwhile... my hands are so dry their literally cracking. - Off to the next hot water and see if I can't get comfy in the living-room (it didn't work well last night because of my back... nerves pinched and foot contracted. Try again... it was rather nice not being in the kitchen... and surely Yonah appreciated not having to hear the “tele”? - I LOVE HER SO MUCH! - 22.56 Well... that “storm” that was due at 21.00 is now due at mid-night with a bit of a “threat” at 2.00. - Yonah's light left Albany at 21.08. Let's see how they fuck about with it from there. Eh? - And I've watched all of the available “Season 02” of “Birds of a Feather” and... now... I'm off to bed! - Thankfully, it's not “cold” in the house tonight... Hopefully the snow will bring some warmth. (Oh... I've made it to “The North Country” alright.)
Thu.17.Dec: 8.22 *** *** *** 8.19: FIRST TIME I'VE COUGHED-UP ANY BLOOD. *** *** *** WELL? HERE WE GO... “COUNT-DOWN”... JUNE? PERHAPS. BUT AS MY EXISTENCE HAS ROLLED, THE ONLY “ITEM” THAT HAS ANY IMPORTANCE TO ME AT PRESENT IS TO SEE *YONAH* FLY FREE AGAIN, SAFE FROM COLD, FREEZING, SNOWS AND THE SORT. SPRING... WHEN SHE CAN FIND OR RE-UNITE WITH HER “MATE”, RAISE A LITTLE FAMILY AND COME THE COLD OF 2021, HEAD OFF WITH THE REST, TO WARMER CLIMATES, AS HER LIFE WAS MEANT TO BE. BUT THAT'S WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO BE AROUND TO DO, TO BRING HER OUT OF THIS OLD HOUSE, RECOVERED, ALIVE, WELL AND STRONG. BUT I KNOW, IN MY CORE, THAT I'LL BE DENIED THAT ONE LAST MOMENT OF JOY. SOME-THING'S COMING... AND IT'S ABOUT TO COME ON SWIFTLY, LINGER FOR AS LONG AS HUMAN SUFFERING WILL ALLOW. OH, AND, NO DOUBT, IF IT COMES TO HOSPITAL... “THEY” WILL STUFF ME ACROSS THE LAKE... IN BTV... I'LL HAVE TO “ACCEPT HELL” IN ORDER TO GET TO “HEAVEN”... “HEAVEN”... THE ONLY “HEAVEN” WILL BE SIMPLY NON-EXISTENCE. WELL, INDEED... AS I LOK BACK, THE LONG WALKS, ALONG, “WOODEN BRIDGE”, “3 TUNNELS”, “THE ROCKS”, (EDDIE WEST'S VEST), CATCHING SNAKES, SWIMMING AT THE “WOODEN BRIDGE”... THOSE NIGHTLY WALKS FROM MEADOW HILL TO DOWNING PARK... ALONE... ALBANY, TEL AVIV... W.232nd, 6G... NYC, THE BRONX, ROCKAWAY... “THE SHELTER”, THE BARS, CLUBS, “G's”!!! I'VE BEEN IN LOVE, I SUPPOSE I HAVE BEEN LOVED. I'VE WORKED... DELIVERING NEWS PAPERS IN THE DARK, PACKING GROCERIES AND HAULING TROLLIES IN THE SNOW. I'VE “DONE WALL STREET”, HAD THE “WORLD TRADE CENTRE”. THE NURSING YEARS OF GIVING AID AND SUPPORT TO THOSE WHO WERE THEN, WHERE I'M ABOUT TO BE. AND THEN THERE'S THIS MORNING: THE “LITTLE PLACE IN THE ADIRONDACKS” AS I'M “OLD”, “RETIRED” AND GENERALLY USELESS... AND ALONE... SAVE FOR *YONAH*. 65 YEARS... IT'S BEEN A LIVING “HELL” BUT THERE HAVE BEEN SOME TRULY “GRAND” MOMENTS ALONG THE WAY. WELL THEN... I DO SUPPOSE I'LL LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE FACT: HERE, IN NEW RUSSIA, A QUIRKY LITTLE HAMLET WITH A QUIRKY LITTLE NAME IN A QUIRKY LITTLE HOUSE ON AN ALMOST ALL-BUT-FORGOTTEN, ONCE-UPON-A-TIME MAIN THOROUGH-FARE IS WHERE I'D DREAMT OF BEING AT THE POINT IN TIME WHEN “FAREWELL” AND “GOOD-BYE” CAME TO BE. AND... IMAGINE THIS: HERE I AM! IT'S BEEN A *HELL OF A RIDE* THROUGH THIS “EXISTENCE”. I'VE DONE “GOOD”... PROBABLY DONE “BAD”, HAD FUN, HAD HELL... WHAT WAS THE PURPOSE? AH... THERE'S THE GRIND: THERE IS *NO “PURPOSE*. WE “HAPPEN”... AND THEN WE LEAVE. AND WHEN WE'VE GONE... WE NEVER HAPPENED.
|
.jpg)
|
Put the music on for Yonah this morning... to run through the entire iPod. First song: “Motherless Child”, followed by “I Think It's Going To Rain Today”... “Juste Avant” and “We'll Sing In The Sun-shine”! BUT THEN... for the “Schitzengiggles” of it all, I was “noting”, on the calendar, today's little “blood speck” AND... 6 MONTHS FROM TODAY IS 17th JUNE!!! MOTHER'S 88th “BIRTHDAY”... 88... THE YEAR SHE DIED AT THE AGE OF 55. 2021 IS MY 66th BIRTHDAY... THOSE “DOUBLE DIGITS”. BUT... IMAGINE? 6 MONTHS... MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY... “THE WORLD”... WHAT A GRAND FUCK!
MEAN-while, Ms. Crystal was out to shovel snow from in front of her post office with a slight “path-way” across the front of the house (for Jeff?). And I'm finishing coffee as Joan Armatrading sings “Everyday Boy”... quite the morning, this. (I want a smoke... off to venture to the back porch for no other reason since I've already run coffee grounds down the drain.) - 10.05 Text to servers up to the moment. And we move along... - 11.07 Just up-dating the “WP Journal” and adding 2021 to it... I've listed 12 months on the main, but added only until June for now. On the “June” page, I've already posted the following:
Thursday, 17 December 2020, 10.42: This morning I woke, and was out of bed at about 7.00, feeling rather “odd”, the almost-common/usual “light-headed”, but managed, none-the-less, to get on with the general & regular routine of a morning: kettle on for coffee, quick trip to the loo, check on Yonah. As has been the typical morning, a bit of coughing, and, at first, the regularly now-accepted “clots” of phlegm, mostly clear but with the “tint” of brownish-green. Ah… but THIS morning, for the first time, there was a speck, let’s call it that, of “blood”… “frank blood” it’s usually called. So… THIS morning, I’m beginning to “count-down the days”. It may have been, perhaps, just an irritation, the vitamins, or perhaps a “raspy-breathing” night, irritating the throat and the cough brought that up. From since, my general feeling has been the usual, nothing out of recent “normal”: a slight touch of breathless, a slight trace of the “light-headedness” and, subsequent coughs have brought up what has become the “regular”, heavier phlegm, in the “regular” brownish-green but mostly clear. Earlier, I decided to note the calendar for this year and have noted, on today’s (17 December 2020) pages (here and under “LoupNordique/DeadArtist.de”) that this month will be “the sixth month” after the first appearance of blood in the sputum… AND, on the 17th of this month… 6 months to the day, is Mother’s 88th “birth anniversary”, “88” being the year of her death, and this, 2021, my 66th “birth anniversary”. Numerology? I don’t know. But it’s just something to note, I suppose. Any-way, I’m adding the year 2021 to this Journal here, have taken the liberty of adding the links to the 12 monthly pages as well, on the “Header” (2021) but am adding only the pages from January to June. If I’m still about and functioning as a “free, human individual” when this month arrives, I’ll attend to what-ever more pages might be sensible. Other-wise, I expect this to be my last… and, provided Yonah has returned to her life in the wild (by March… or April at the very latest), I am at peace, today, with this being my “month of departure”. Ah… it’s been quite a ride, this existence, this “life”, as some would call it. Nothing in Creation is eternal… and this may be my “final reward”… to finally close my eyes and never again have to think or say “I’m tired”. Shame, perhaps, that I truly do NOT have a belief in any “life after”. But in sanity and logic: the history of what we call “the world” and “Creation” is SO VERY LONG, and SO VERY MANY have been and gone before… every person and thing comes to this point… my turn, my time is either now, or very soon. As the song asks “Do you really want to live forever?” At the rate the world, humanity, Creation is moving in the direction it’s taken… OH HELL NO! As Mother used to say: “I don’t believe in a ‘Hell’ after this. THIS is Hell. After this, there’s only Peace.”
There we have it. Let's see where we roll to from there. *** MEANWHILE... its turning into quite the morning! A little while ago, I went to the loo, to the basin, as I usually do and... PEE'ED DOWN THE FRONT OF ME AND ONTO THE FLOOR! OK. In honesty, it was a “maladjustment of parts” and NOT some sort of senile misfortune. Still... JEEZUS KRISTE! PEE'ING ON M'SELF? So the jeans are in the basin on the soak. NEXT... I just blew my nose following a sneeze and... more BLOOD! Hey! MAYBE that “speck” this morning came from the sinuses, as I've ventured... a particularly “dry” night, with the furnace running, dry sinuses, there's often a bit of blood in that there, and perhaps it managed to get into the throat and came up with the cough. Oh... there's never any telling for certain until the event or what-ever “is”. So... So... I move along. - The snow is still falling lightly, Alvin's shovelled his own drive, John D. came round and quickly shovelled the step-side of the pee-oh porch and I stepped-out to put the mop on the back porch (after cleaning my “incident”) and to have a quick smoke... Charming... nobody knocks to check. Not that I'd expect nor want. (I can't help but recall Ms. Biddy Jessica's account of Artie: “We found him, face-down in the snow one night.” (Moron... I'll bet it never happened, still...) - Now, on to check today's post and work a bit on the “up-date” and inclusion of “images” on this Journal on the server. Then? Well... jeans to wash and... - 11.42 FUN! The light bulb arrived! Sadly... “Halogen”! Well, when it warms to “room temp”, I'll give it a try, but I don't expect it to work well in that little desk lamp I have. We shall see. - Cute “Holiday Story”: I was sweeping the front step to get to the mail-box when “Maggie” pulled-up and spoke, kindly. Says she: She's got a sister who got stuck in NV or AZ (I can't remember where, exactly) and didn't have a chanukia. She's been using a votive all the while. Maggie has chanukias and sent her one. It arrived there yesterday for today... last night of candle-lighting! I told Maggie that I'm using votives as well and mentioned the lack of synagogues... says Maggie... Lake Placid and Saranac. Still, as I joked... “quite a walk”. Anyway... imagine that; Maggie... Chanukah... Interesting. - 12.53 Sitting to “tea” and after-noon C,D and E, 2 “hahd-berld” eggs with a bit of olive oil and “Allen's” apple cider vinegar added on buttered bread. (I'm using the “Allen's” because, well, there's about half a bottle, bought at Metro, Bedford... what seems now, so long ago, and with the “event” of this morning, I see no sense in “saving” it any much longer. How stupid... “saving” it. For what? To be “pickled” in it “after”? Pfffttt! - The snow is still falling, lightly. The new light bulb is in the little desk lamp, I've “light-cleaned” Yonah's place and she's “perched”, looking out the window, in her “new light”... “Full Spectrum”. I can only HOPE it makes the atmosphere more comfortable for her. (“Smarty Pants” played whilst I “cleaned”... G's. If there IS some “place” after this... it really would be nice to go back to there... but I'm no longer truly “that romantic” about the whole ordeal.). - Health-wise... there's a “deep heaviness” in my chest and a sensation of wanting to vomit. “Anxiety”... surely that's all it truly is today. Hopefully, it will simply become part of a day from now on and no more bull-shit. If I've got 6 months total... (Unter diesen Wolken) 5 “fairly good” months remaining, better to simply let things progress as they will. (Joan died on 3 January this year... I'd rather not go in Winter cold, it being a bit of an inconvenience, but, considering no burial, and surely, there'll be no “tracing” of “kin”... cremation is the same in any season... and Winter is a nice season to “leave” in. BUT NO! MUST carry on until Yonah flies FREE again! And there... MUST carry on for a minimum of 4 months more!) - OK... One more note: Yes, I'm a touch “anxious”, perhaps a bit “frightened”... not of the “final” but, as I recall “Beth”, I believe it was, in Kubler-Ross... I'm not afraid of death... I'm afraid of what they'll do to me as I'm dying. - But if I keep my mouth shut, away from the quacks, long enough... it will be what it's meant to be... and when. - I move along. - The jeans are on the rack in the shower and... the time passes. (This morning went by quite quickly... and the light bulb is here, glowing and... just keep moving along, along, along.) - I'd like to work on an “obit”... for schitzengiggles. - 23.20 Well... late again and... on the futon again... under the sleeping bag... again... 4 hot waters in. Oh well. Some-thing “new”. - Yonah's light works quite well, I'm happy to note. I was afraid it would get too hot for the little lamp but it was on for a couple of hours and I think she likes it. Now, I have to think of what else I can do for her... other than tomorrow's broccoli. The love. - Tonight's “meal” was filling... ran up some more noodles and slopped in last night's left-overs. Fine enough. - Had a wonderful “chat” with Gina on the Twtr. She come across as being “concerned” about me. Well... Theresa did the same... as did Donna and Dorothy, none of whom I've heard from in the longest and seriously don't expect so to do. - Last night of Chanukah... tomorrow, the candles go back into the box... Might be the last time. - Tomorrow, off to market for some more eats and smokes and spending money that will have to be juggled a touch. Thankfully, the Internet/electric don't come due until after the 3rd. New Year's will be fine.
And tomorrow, after errands, I MUST get to putting images into the on-line Journal! I've got little videos of the lights and candles here AND MORE PHOTOS OF YONAH! I'd LIKE to make a page for her... (I need to get those “Photo” pages done... Hallie, Mimou, Dixie, Ellie, Cubby, Shadow... KRISTE! The heart-aches. - Well, the snow's still on the ground. I don't know WHO ploughed the drive today but maybe it was John Demings. Thankfully, Julius must have been home and John ploughed from the main to the back “garden”. I'll have to dig the truck out tomorrow... or... what-ever. - Time for last smoke, teeth and bed! Looks like night 3 of straight to bed... no reading. - OH... and the house smells of frankincense and myrrh tonight! Odd, that. Can't figure it. (Spooky?)
|
|
|
Fri.18.Dec: 8.33 -15°,
|
.jpg)
|
Sat.19.Dec: (***** 10.51 ***** WHAT *** THE ACTUAL FUCK? *** I'VE JUST CHECKED, ON-LINE, TO SEE WHAT THIS MONTH'S ELECTRIC BILL WILL COME TO AND I'VE GOT A *****CREDIT***** OF $45,06! ***** IT WOLD HAVE BEEN $54,02 *** BUT *** THERE'S A $100,00 “COVID RELIEF BILL CREDIT” ON THERE *** THEY REMOVED $99,08 (NOT THE WHOLE $100, MIND BUT...) FROM THE BILL! ***** I OWE NOTHING! IN FACT, I'M $45 AHEAD! ***** HOLY SHIT! ***** NOT ONLY AM I SHOCKED ABOUT THE BILL, I'M ALSO SHOCKED ABOUT THE TOTAL OF THE BILL! THE FURNACE HAS BEEN RUNNING AND STILL... ONLY $54! (I have to wonder if the new “hot-plate” hasn't helped quite a bit.) ***** WELL!!! REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL? INDEED! ***** AND JUST AS I DECIDED TO “PLAY” WITH THE MONTHLY BUDGET! WELL, KICK MY NUTS AND CALL IT A “CHRISTMAS SPECIAL”!!! NOW I'M JUST DAMNED CONFUSED. A “KINDNESS”? FROM “LIFE”? WELL! *****
6.43 For what-ever reason, I woke at 6.00, of my own, feeling really FINE! Rested and all. Popped-up, out of bed, put on the coffee, had a slash, took my vits., closed Yonah's door for her so the light and activity doesn't disturb AND... 30 minutes later... feeling rather like SHIT! Just in from a smoke on the front porch in the -15° and sitting at table, with a little list of “activities” for the day/week-end, putting this month's Journal together, painting the PO sign, perhaps a “holiday card” in water-colour... “enjoyable”... AND... the chest is clamping, the throat's going “tight” and the “what's become 'normal'” kicks in. Seriously! But, and, it's as I said before getting into a bit of reading last night, after a nice, hot shower, on the clean sheets: I WILL NOT ACCEPT THAT LIFE AND GENERAL WORLDLY EXISTENCE CAN BE SO EVIL AS TO PULL ME OUT OF HERE BEFORE I GET TO SEE YONAH TAKE FREE FLIGHT IN THE COMFORT OF WARM SPRING... TO ATTACK *ME* BY ATTACKING HER! I thought: When I SO wanted the flat on Quail St, the job in Colonie, the flat on 232nd, Rochambeau, Jane St.... SOME-THING/BODY made it possible. I got to Tel Aviv. I got to VT (which GOT me in the mess I'm in today with these lungs falling apart, I've NO doubt), AND ULTIMATELY, I'M HERE... IN THIS “LITTLE PLACE IN THE ADIRONDACKS”... NOW... THE ONLY THING LEFT IN THIS EXISTENCE IS WANTING TO SEE THIS LITTLE FEATHERED BUNDLE OF LIFE FLY, HEALTHY AGAIN, FREE... I WILL *NOT* ACCEPT *ANY*THING LESS THAN THAT... ONE LAST ITEM BEFORE I “GIVE IN”!!! I'm not “sad” about this... I'm ANGRY... AGAIN! The very thought of suddenly becoming too ill... Not to mention, as I said, aloud, last night... THEY'LL JUST TOSS HER OUT INTO WHAT-EVER THERE IS AT THE MOMENT, COLD, RAIN, SNOW, WIND... and THAT will be my HELL: to have the heart-ache of thinking of her, battling against the elements, snow, freezing cold, and the accounts of doves missing toes and legs because of frost-bite. Yeah... THAT would be the “payment due” for all the other kindnesses... right at the end. - Well... that was my last concern, thought, before reading a few more pages of Kafka's letter and... by about 23.00... the light went out and so did I. - And now... as the furnace runs and I see that we're expected to return to single negative digit temperatures in the days to come... coffee at hand... time to get on with “things”. Yonah's house-keeping to be done today, at some point. So let's get on with “enjoying” this “Shabbat”... and seeing where we are... at day's end. - One moment at a time, at the “present”... The number of “tomorrows” is considerably fewer than all of the “yesterdays”... and that's the fac', JAK. - 10.43 House-keeping is done... and all's well in Yonah's room. - I've taken a 30-minute snooze. - Feeling rather like SHIT, at the moment. And the furnace is up to 68F, the “terracotta” heater is on 8 candles. I'm tired... I've also had a few “drags” in the loo where, now, the triple-wick candle is burning-away the “smoke”, behind a closed door. And the day rolls along... and did I mention, I'm feeling like “SHIT”. - Fine... on with the little list of “things I'd like to get done”... let's see where it goes. (Not expecting much of this day.) - Can't understand why I'm always feeling hungry and tired. “Hungry” will have to deal with itself because I can all but hardly fit into jeans. I went through and found 33s this morning and even THAT'S “tight”! Fuck! What's happening to this old body? Every-thing falling all to Hell at once? Making-up for “lost time”? Seems that way. Well... NOT UNTIL AFTER YONAH IS FREE AGAIN! FUCK THIS WORLD! SERIOUSLY AND BRUTALLY! FUCK THIS WORLD! - 10.58 Just made the preface note about the electric bill (a copy of which I WILL be posting to the on-line Journals) and... carrying on. - 16.01 That good news took the “Oompf” out of me... another 30-minute snooze! AND, a little “discovery”: I found a web-site that actually quote my “Vit.C” routine! For CANCER... LUNG! 2 in the morning, 1 mid-day, 2 in the evening! Of course, I don't expect a “cleanse” nor a “cure” but... if I can “control”... SO... I'm upping the doses and tonight, will start 2 before bed as well! AND... with the “Covid relief” on the electric, I can afford to get MORE vit.C! So this has been quite the day! - Sadly, how-ever, I've gotten NONE of my little “list” done... haven't even touched on it. But, I'm excusing with it being “Shabbat”. So tomorrow... NO excuses! Cards. Images. Such. And, starting the truck as well. Thankfully, there's an almost full tank of gas in there. AND, if any-thing should happen, AAA will be re-newed so I can be towed to Richie... Hopefully, it won't be necessary, but it's good to know it CAN be done. - OK... “meal” tonight: more tomato soup with eggs and veg. Vegetables and protein... and the remainder of that chocolate pie (which, last night, tinted what I coughed-up when I showered... to create a bit of concern). There's yoghurt and ice cream in there too. Tomorrow... chicken. Hey! With a 54$ electric bill for last month... I can bake. - OK... on with the show... - Yonah is already “fluffed” and “perched” for the night. - Oh, I was out for a smoke and Alvin happened by... en route to the river to walk and photo. Says he, Cliff was out earlier, taking a “bird count” for the Audubon! Imagine? I said that Yonah should be counted as well. (Not that I'd expect...) And, says Alvin, he gave Julius a shovel for the drive and walk. “He's not 13...” say Alvin, “if he wants to shovel or if he's too lazy...” Apparently he had trouble getting out of the drive yesterday with his “new car”. Oh well... I did what I could. Enough is enough. - 23.41 “Meal”... tomato soup, 3 eggs and veggies... finished the chocolate pie after and all was done by 18.15. - Several more episodes of “Birds of a Feather” in the living-room, on the futon. 2 hot waters and I've added the next 2gm vit.C tonight. Let's see how that plays out. - There's a “new mutation” of the dreaded “covid” out now. This is an obvious all-out attempt to turn North America and the “free world” into a Nazi-style dictatorship. The end is now in session... and ROARING into place. Calgary police are beating people for playing hockey on open lakes and there's some kind of “stand-off” there tonight. As they're “jabbing” people with so-called “vaccines”, the “new” virus is allegedly 50-70% more transmissible. The bull-shit fuckerie is amazing... but more-so, the number of people who are falling for it all. Yeah... we're looking at the end of the “free world”... It's a nice time to be blessed with illness. - BUT I WILL NOT GIVE IN TO ANYTHING UNTIL YONAH IS BACK IN THE WILD... THE WORLD CAN FIST-FUCK ITSELF RAW BEFORE I'LL GIVE IN! No, I don't expect this vitamin thing to”cure”... but it might slow the progression... just long enough. THAT's ALL I DEMAND of this bitter world. - On that note... teeth and bed. No pee-oh tomorrow! YAY! (But I still have to be up early enough to open the curtains for Yonah.)
|
Mon.21.Dec: 7.07 AND WINTER ROLLED-IN AT 5.02. - And I crawled out of the bed with the 6.30 alarm. Why? Not sure, really. Last night (this morning), I rolled into bed immediately after typing the “final comment”. Didn't even bother to brush my teeth. Just typed, powered-down the lap-top and me. Crawled under the blankets and went right off to sleep... thankfully, after several episodes of “Birds of a Feather”, 3 hot waters, 2 vit.c, and a Naproxen... fa-la-la-la-la... as it were. And there we have it. - Now, I'm up, dressed, in from a smoke on the front porch. Météo claims -1°/-4° “chill”. It feels rather “comfy” and I'm not complaining. And as I stood there in what WAS a beautiful morning still... the “Town Clowns” in the plough came down the mail, round the bend onto the hill and dropped the plough to grind the road... There's no “snow” on the hill, to speak of. But those morons... Yes, I appreciated that it's steep, and through the woods and all, and that they doo tend the roads in Winter, probably better than most others, but... REALLY? At this hour of the morning? Not necessary. AND THEY WOKE POOR YONAH... I just heard her stirring in there. (I wonder: does she wake in the morning and get startled by being in that cage? How I wish I could give her run of the house, but “walls” and “windows” don't make sense to her and the last time I gave her run, she slammed into the window in her room. There's still a bit of blood on one of the sheers. I'm not having her injure her-self any more.) - In other news: as usual, I got out of bed feeling rather as “fine” as could possibly be expected and now, as the morning progresses, comes the “general anxiety” and the “heaviness” in the chest. So I suppose it's a “normal” sort of morning. And the Town Clown just ploughed back off the hill and onto the main and is now rolling back to “E-Town” from whence it came. - And I'm “annoyed” this morning, with the aspect of “No Cards” at FamDoll again. Smokes... more expensive and the notion of needing to go back to Stewart's. But I have to get to market... I need and onion for the “latkes” that I almost “promised” to Alvin last evening, and I suppose I should get a few more items... Friday is “Christmas”... Friday-week is New Year. FUCK... “New Year”! 2020 is about gone... ANOTHER entire year has passed! It truly is as if time and existence are on a curve... and I've reached the summit and am, uncontrollably SPEEDING, HEAD-ON, DOWN THE OTHER SIDE INTO... some sort of dark oblivion! Oh... there's really no cause for concern... other than making it through the cold and into the warm and setting little Yonah out on her own wings again. No sense in getting all worked and bothered. - Anyway... I'm thinking of painting a quick card for Alvin and Vivian... maybe another for Ev... “holiday/birthday”. I'd like to work on the black lettering on the “PO” sign... some way of making the letters “pop” a touch. Latkes for Alvin and Vivian. Maybe a “small challah” to go with... just a little some-thing. “Food”... for Winter... in the mountains. And then? Then will be “then” until it's “now” and then becomes “then passed” and I'll be back in bed. “Winter”... - Oh... and darling little bitch completes her 60th year today... off to 61. Morning thought on the matter: There's no “forgiveness”. There's nothing to “forgive”. She and all have been “dismissed”... Grant that they all have enough sense to just stay the bloody fuck away from me... ALL of “them”. When they were about to “lend a hand”, they did their best to screw me over. It's been much more pleasant, even in the darkest, heaviest, dreariest moments... with-out THEM stomping my face deeper into the ground. (What a “bitter old man”... Fukkit!) - On with the day! - 14.06 Sadly, took a 30-minute snooze until 10.00 and didn't get out until almost 11.00. Cleaned the truck off as it warmed (and it started... THANKFULLY... IMMEDIATELY) and was off and on the road. FamDoll is STILL NOT taking cards... and I wanted a small desk lamp for Yonah's room and the “new working area”! Well... FUCK THEM! And so I parked at the market and walked to Aubuchon's for the clear spray, hooks and bird food. Next... to Stewart's for smokes and then to market for onion for latkes, broccoli for Yonah (and me, apparently), ice cream, veggies, eggs and not much else. (24 left of the FS until January now but... over 100 in the VT account in case, yay!) Buzzed back, put things up and got right to the challah... followed by the grating of potatoes and onion. - THE OFFICIAL NYSEG BILL ARRIVED TODAY... YEP! ZERO! THANK YOU ALL THE GODS!!! (This will be the last we'll see of a government that gives a shit about us... rumour is that we'll get a $600 “Stimulus” instead of Trump's $1200... the fuckers. I'm fed-the-fuck-up with the lot of them... AND the dolts who support these shit-bag Communist dictators!) Anyway... I'm grateful for the electric... Now to “worry” about the oil... Always something. - “By the moment” time to get to the bread. The latkes come later, for “meal”... which will be the franks I got at market. I'll hopefully make enough latkes to send no less than 6 to Alvin and Vivian this evening. “Solstice”, y'know. And then...? The usual again. - Right now, must to note: Feeling “episodic” most of the day. Coughing-up the usual and nothing “dark and dreary”. No “rattling” or “wheezing” but there's a “heaviness” in the chest and a “lightness” of the head. I just can't figure this out. - Skipped “tea” today... took the vits. with water. Oh well... at least they're “in there”, working their merry way through. - Now... to the oven! Or... second rise of bread anyway. - 19.41 I DID IT! I DON'T KNOW HOW BUT... TO THE MINUTE! 12 LATKES AND 2 LOAVES OF CHALLAH! AND AND I GOT 8 LATKES AND A CHALLAH OVER TO ALVIN AND VIVIAN AND WAS AT TABLE AT 17.00 FOR MEAL! I DID IT! AND THE LATKES WERE BEAUTIFUL (THOUGH SLIGHTLY UNDER-SEASONED BUT BETTER UNDER THAN OVER... ESPECIALLY FOR SOMEBODY ELSE). THE CHALLAH? WELL... THE STUCK TO THE PANS A TOUCH BUT ONE TURNED-OUT FINE... GOOD ENOUGH TO GIVE. AND EVERY-THING WAS STILL QUITE WARM WHEN DELIVERED! I DID IT! SUCCESS!!! One note though: I was almost certain that I was “gone” whilst doing the washing-up. OH THE PAIN in the CHEST! But that might have been from the vits. I took them before eating, so they may have gotten a tad stuck some-where because, I'm just up from a 30-minute snooze and feeling a bit better. So any-way... I DID IT! - And now... a quick run through soc.med., some “Birds of a Feather” and off to a quick shower and to BED! I'm actually EXHAUSTED! (Sadly, it has nothing to do with no nap during the day... nor from the cooking... it's just the way “it is” these days.) - And so... tomorrow... perhaps a try at a little water-colouring, touch-ups on the PO sign and... what-ever the day presents. Oh... and house-keeping chez Yonah... because it's necessary. She's been pooping quite a bit of late. Bless her. - 23.50 Time to roll it up. It's always the same: the later it gets, the more I dread going to bed... 4 hot waters and 8gms of C for the day. I'll have to see about buying more and trying to really send this old body into a frenzy... until Yonah's back on her own... After that? One day, we'll fly through the trees together. - Bloody fux! Somebody pulled up next to the house with the fucking radio blasting... at this hour! (Another reason I'm not allowed to have fire-arms... Just best not start that shit next-door... though I've got a horrible feeling that it will... whilst Mr. Julius is on holiday as of the 26th... I'll have to move Yonah... perhaps into the bed-room... poor little thing. - Oh, and this place stinks of cooking onions! I should be happy... it's cooked food. Not like the days in The Bronx, when I had to boil spices before Mum came to visit... so it smelled like I'd been cooking... and eating. Earlier I remembered last Winter here... almost freezing most of the time. Furnace set at 60F for the most part. Now, with Yonah... I won't let it get below 65F... and even at that, the furnace runs. But... we'll do fine. (I'll have to call for more oil by end of the month though... I dread going down to check the tank but... - OK. Day's done. Winter's here. Time for a nap. The less time I spend in the bed, the better I feel over-all... and right now... it's a bit “tight”. Just another night. I have to wonder: the “nodule” was 8mm about 2 years ago. And I have to wonder if it isn't just “Dung Lung”... which isn't curable either. Or... an infection... chronic. Well... we'll see what the “C” does... along with the D and E... for a while. What-ever... just get me through to the warm weather. That's all... just til then.
Tue.22.Dec: 0.05 off to bed then... tonight I will brush the teeth... but no reading. Hopefully a few hours of snooze. Painting today... a card... water-colour... another “go”... It's been a LONG while. - 8.46 Up and dressed and coffee and in from a smoke on back and filled the tube-feeder and it's grey, not too cold and I didn't get up until 7.30 and out of bed until almost 8.00 and the house still stinks of onion and... it's another day. - 20.09 Tele time! Meal: 4 franks and some veggies and ice cream (of course). - I started, only started, a water-colour, sitting with Yonah today. And I think the cod liver oil disturbs her stomach... she was all “puffed” today and not really her “self”. No more of that... at least not weekly! I'll find other sources of her vits. and minerals. (I see carrots and sweet potatoes are good... shame they're out of season but I'll do my best... that bag of carrots I'd gotten a while ago were “odd”... some had “growths” so the salvagables are in the freeze... not sure what I'll do with them, I should have carrots... beta carotene is bad for CA-Lung... no sense pushing issues.) - And now... to “Birds of a Feather”, off to the living-room. AND A SHOWER TONIGHT! Not “necessary” but wanted! - Tomorrow? Perhaps I'll get down to the river... nothing else on my “agenda”. - OH... ordered a mortar and pestle from Walmarde. Used one of the “discounts”... 10$ off. Even with the shipping it came to under 15$. The damned things are costly! I don't recall ever paying more than $10 for one! But... I'm old, that was then and then was a long time ago. - Off to the tele and hot water... - 24.22 Yeah... THAT LATE! Got the shower at about 21.50... and the pressure was complete shit but the shower was HOT! Then, into the robe, onto the futon and a few more episodes of “Birds of a Feather” until just now... as I was about to doze off on the futon not knowing how late it is! Meanwhile, there's been BURSTS of WIND out there tonight. It's not supposed to be “bitter” cold but... hopefully it won't be tomorrow... I'd like to get some sand for Yonah... - Well... time to grab a drag or two... in the living-room, since I'm in a robe, then teeth and off to bed. I NEED to get up on time tomorrow.... for Yonah... no bull-shitting about. - OH... THE RENT FOR JANUARY IS IN THE BLUE BOX AT THE PEE-OH... TOMORROW'S “4TH WEDNESDAY” AND THE RENT IN IN THE POST!
Wed.23.Dec: 0.25 FUCK!!! The 23rd already! Another month... ANOTHER FUCKING YEAR! This shit's just blowing by! Fuck... - 9.0-fucking-4 and another REALLY LATE start to a clear and COLD day. Not happy about it but... no sense bothering about it. Can't turn it back. And yes, I was quite willing to get out of the bed with the first alarm but, I suppose the old body felt other-wise. Oh well. Here we are. Nothing on the agenda save a trip in for “holiday” smokes, really. It's just that “eve” and “day” mentality. (Coupled with the almost disbelief that they're just about “here” already. NOT that those days are any different from any other days. They're “mile-stones”, I suppose. And last night, the “reality” of them all: they come, they're here, they're gone and time keeps rolling along. No different from all the other days. It's all a matter of perception... and the inconvenience of not knowing if a run for smokes or a last minute necessity is possible.) And I don't have black-eyed peas again this year... because I wouldn't run to Plattsburgh. Imagine? 70km or so... for black-eyed peas... and even then, no guarantee that Hannaford's will have any. Oh well... Let's check the météo. I know it was cold when I stepped out to fill the feeder and have a halfie. - 9.11 and -6° with a “high” of -1... and on Friday, Christmas... PLUS 11... and... RAIN, not snow... RAIN. Jolly. Again... just another day. - 15-fucking-28 already! JEEZUS! ANOTHER FUCKING DAY JUST WIZZED BY! AND MY “ACCOMPLISHEMENTS”? Well... I ran to market for sweet potato and carrots for Yonah, stopped at FamDoll (YAY! AT LAST!) and got 2 packs of smokes and another ugly table lamp and clear bulbs to go with (for “art”... as if... at this date). Came back, grated some carrot (we'll try that first) and cut a wider limb/perch to fit in the cage so Yonah doesn't have to curl her little toes so tightly when she perches. Will she like it? I don't know until I try. - Yonah is LOSING TOO MANY TAIL FEATHERS! HER TAIL NOW “SPLITS” INSTEAD OF BEING “STREAM-LINED”! Research says vit.A is good for their feathers, hence the carrot and sweet potato. I'm going to have to keep up on this better or she won't be able to fly properly! - And me? Well, stupid... I hit my finger with the saw as I was working at the kitchen basin... moron that I be. Nothing “drastic” but with all the Naproxen... I tend to bleed. Oh well. At least the blood is on the finger and not in the lungs. Little “blessings”. - And now... it's almost time to start “meal” for tonight, which will be pizza because that's what I got (and yoghurt... to make the trip worth the transaction) for meal. Tomorrow evening, I'll make something more “substantial” for “the eve”. - Tomorrow morning, how-ever, I MUST be sure to get up with enough time to clean this place. THEN comes next Thursday and the “Annual Scrub”! Nice to have “plans”... I suppose. I suppose. - For now? Well... there's really not enough time to get “involved”. And from what I saw of the river banks along the drive to town, the banks are still covered in snow so, tomorrow is expected to be warmer... I'll hope for sand at some point then. “Then”... as if there's a “then” to thing about. - 18.27 Mal is on an th kyboard is fucked again! How charming is that? More bull-shit! (How about “meal is done and the key-board is fucked again.) Honestly! Time to seriously consider a new lap-top AND try to find one that's dependable... and won't need replacing every 3 years! Fuck! - 20-fucking-3-20-fuckin-9 a-fucking-gain! Well... “pills” are done. Hot water's done. “Birds of a Feather”... done... The winds are howling, -1 out there,
BUT WHAT A DAY! *WHAT* A DAY!...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
.jpg)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
.jpg)
|
|
|
.jpg)
|
|
|
Well... the day came to a close, the washing-up was done, I moved to the living-room to a bit of “video”. An episode of “Chad Prather”... just to watch something “attractive”. - When that was done, it was about 20.15, Yonah was “perched” so I went in, put out the light and... back to the living-room and “Birds of a Feather”. - Sadly, as I was laying on the futon, as I usually do to watch “tele” now... BOTH FEET WENT INTO CONTRACTIONS! The walk? Poor position on the futon? Well... obviously the Naproxen this evening isn't stopping that. I DO believe it's got something to do with my back, a pinched nerve. But... yes, it was PAINFUL, but passed when I got up to pee. - Well... it's 24.10 now... again, WAY beyond when I wanted to get to bed. I'd thought of showering tonight, but there's really no rush... I still have to clean this place for New Year... change linens and such. Showering and the sort can wait. - So now... I've finished another carton of ice cream. One left in the freeze... I'll have to get more... for “New Year”. I don't mind. - The furnace is up. It's supposed to drop to -6° tonight. Well... Yonah's radiator is on and her door's been shut to keep that room warm. I'll probably leave it closed, mostly, over-night. She's been “fluffing” lately. I don't want her being chilled. There's no reason she should be. And I'm off to last smoke and to BED! - Tomorrow's Saturday... the fucking long day for the PO. But Walmarde says the mortar and pestle should arrive... FedEx, tomorrow! Ground peas and oat-meal for Yonah! (IF....) - I MUST get a card together for Ev's birthday next week. A “Thank You” to Tom (some-how... since I don't know his surname nor do I know where he lives). Then... really get to tidying for the new year. - Oh well... it's been QUITE THE CHRISTMAS DAY! AMAZING! I AM AMAZED! AND OH... SO THANKFUL!
Sat.26.Dec: 0.22 It was around this hour... 1974, I do believe... I was in the navy blue VW bug, just returning from having visited in Newburgh, driving in the sleet and snow and decided to roll through Washington Park before heading home to 419 Quail. Deep in introspection, I began to wonder what would be the aspects of my “perfect man”... Just then, as I rounded a corner, in the sleet, the head-lights caught a “figure”... the “perfect man”! THERE! I impulsively stopped the car, rolled back, rolled-down the window and asked “Can somebody perfectly innocently, offer you a lift to some-place?” Nick! I had no furniture and almost nothing in the house at the time... but he came to the house... on Boxing Day... 1974. (I'm in a “Barry White” sort of mind-set too because whilst looking for Eartha Kitt last evening, I happened upon some Barry White... “Love's Theme”... Nick played that.... as we made love... and the snows fell to cover Albany... “Love Unlimited”... well... mine was anyway. - 1.33 Let's see if I can't just make it a “snooze”. - 9.39 SO much for the “snooze”. My body chose to “take” the time it needed. I'd set the alarm for 7.30 but kept hitting the “snooze” until almost 8.00. If not for the “need to pee”, I'd probably still be under the covers. But here I am, dressed and such, in the living-room and pondering the day's “activities. Sadly, today's Saturday... I want to get into town but... I shouldn't, really. So, I'll find some-thing else to do... at least until later... sun-down... Oh well. - Meanwhile... I was on the carsie, checking this morning's -6° and e-mails... and the “Delivery Notice” from FedEx... THE MORTAR AND PESTLE WAS DELIVERED AT 8.03! AND, INDEED, IT'S IN AND UN-PACKED. With the exception of a small, brownish “stain” in the marble, it's perfectly fine! I'm letting it reach room temp now, before a proper washing. But... FINALLY! A mortar and pestle! I can grind more things for Yonah! (And this morning, again, another large feather has been shed so, I need to get on with this “vitamin” schedule for her. Funny, that. Vitamins for her, vitamins for me. We're a right couple.) - AND, AS I SIT HERE TYPING, THE SHIT4BRAINS NEXT DOOR IS BANGING ABOUT ON THE BOXES OUT FRONT! REPEATEDLY! I was only just thinking of Sheldon Creek... the little loo there was on the common wall between the PO and the “land-lord”. Today, I KNOW what he went through and though I tried to be quiet as possible as I worked, I don't have to imagine what he must have had to put-up with. No wonder he didn't want the PO in the house! Were this place mine, they'd (the PO) be in a shed on the river by now. (Maybe that's why I could never afford to take this place over... Eh?) Give the damned place to Cliff... and let him put them in his little barn... where they belong... - Now then, that said, I woke from a rather “concerning” dream this morning and I wonder why, as I think of it:
It happened in a “waiting room” sort of place. Public Health Clinic or the likes. Small, painted washed-out blue, those “chicken-wire” windows. Very small. There were about 6 or so of “us” sitting there waiting for... some reason. Mostly older, white-haired women, most of whom were wearing “protective masks” (as is the current “health rule”. I was not and there was a younger gal, sitting beside me, in “flannel, pale blue with little flowers print, scrubs”. The others started their cackling about me not wearing a face covering and when the young gal gave me a glare I looked at her and sternly said “I've just been given the news of lung cancer! SO! All things compared and considered, I'll say, some flu bug REALLY isn't much of any concern to me. Eh? What the fuck have I got to worry about? At least MINE isn't contagious!” and I leaned closer to her face, with-in about a foot, and “stage whispered”... “And from the looks of it, the way you're dressed, I'd say YOU ought to know better. I'm assuming you're some kind of 'health-related' person. Am I right?” She nodded but said nothing. I continued, “I've got all to do to grab a next breath right now, and even that's a bit of a painful effort. MASK? That'll do me no fucking good at all, at this point. In fact, it just makes it all the more difficult and uncomfortable! And YOU know what I'm talking about! How DARE you and the rest just sit there, stupidly making remarks about me and situations you know NOTHING about! YOU especially... the 'professional'!” Snap to one of those “under-ground car parks. I was heading for... I don't really know where, since I didn't have a vehicle. The young gal was with a woman and they were walking toward what I suppose was her vehicle. I wanted to “thank her” for giving me the chance to express my situation in front of so many other people. I was annoyed, angry and relieved at the same time but sincere in my wanting to, even sarcastically, thank her. She was busy, occupied with putting the older woman's things into the truck of her car and rather ignored me as I approached and started to, in a sarcastic tone, say 'thank you'. Next thing, she lost her footing or simply slipped or tripped on some-thing and was laying on the ground. She wasn't injured nor in pain. She just laid there for the moment and I felt the urge to say, as I looked down at her “So, there, now YOU're in a bit of a need of some help and support, and I don't really see why I should be the one to offer it, not after the way I was treated in that waiting room.” and, with that... I woke up.
WELL! I wonder... was I having an “episode” in my sleep? WHAT brought THAT sort of “dream” on? What's on my mind? Premonitory? Prophetic? Indeed... I wonder. - And so, this morning... as I say, there's a small list of items I'd like to get in town. I seriously doubt the river's gone down low enough to get sand today, and even at that, with the cold, I wonder if the wet ground hasn't begun to freeze. I'd completely forgotten Shabbat last night, the holiday and all. Oh well. I suppose I'll just get on with what little “in house chores” I want to attend. I always do seem to find a way to move on with the day. And, I've no doubt, there's a “snooze” in there at some point. No phone calls or the likes. We shall see. It's expected to be cloudy and cold today anyway. And there's always “some-thing” to attend... On with it... as the cackling from the hen-house (a.k.a. pee-oh) grates, like finger-nails on a slate board. - 23.10 “Birds Binge” done... - The day? Well... to be honest... “Mrs. Mayor” dropped a text asking to use “a pallet” to store their Adirondack chairs on! I went out, sorted through the best and as I was heading back into the house, she was coming over! WELL... she wanted one of the large ones! How did it settle? She'd moved the table, taken the pallets off (which doesn't settle well with me in the first place... these people have NO respect for property of others) and so, it ended with Alvin, her and I moving her 2 chairs into the “garage” and putting them on the table. AND she asked if I'd help move some furniture from the house... she's getting a new kitchen, but that died when she said I had to “mask-up” and I told her about my “breathing issues”. Seems she had Cliff and the Mrs. coming over to help and Cliff “wont' do anything or go any-where with-out a mask”. I thought as much... A “covidiot”, as they're called. HEY! IMAGINE? THE BLOODY DREAM!!! I managed, in chatting, to mention the stove condition. She, Vivian, managed to remind “He (Alden) appreciates anything you'd do to improve the place. He's at a point where he's just walking away from it all.” People will tell the bases honesties when they least expect. And so, I offered to help, Alvin said they didn't need any more help and “I really don't want to say anything to her.” (I suspect he's “pussy-whipped” some-how, but then, I've figured that for a while.) Worked out well enough for me... I got the boots cleaned, a card printed and ready for a note for Ev (I don't like the card much... it printed too small and I don't want to piss the water-colour paper away), got my “whites” washed, filed my finger nails too short (they're a touch painful). - Meal was 3 eggs with half tin salmon whisked in. Not bad... At least I got the fish in the diet. - And that pretty much covers the day. - Oh... another bill from the hospital... I'll have to phone them and tell them “the bad news”... they've gotten what they'll get... from what-ever they got what they got from. - And now... late again... 3 waters and my vits. and Naproxen... There's been a “dusting” of snow... literally... and the bloody plough's been by... fuktardz. - NO PEE-OH tomorrow! Peace in the morning! YAY! And I want to get polish for the boots and some ice cream and such for Thursday night. Why? Because I'm daft. - But for now... I need to get to bed... and for later, I NEED to get back into my “civil” routine of getting to bed and up in the morning at PROPER hours. - My stomach's a touch “off”... maybe the fish. - Oh well.. another Saturday night...
Sun.27.Dec: 9.16 Yep... did it again... Just getting up and about. Had coffee, vits., opened Yonah's curtains, Tennie Leonard on the music. Woke several times during the night, to pee, The last one, at about 3.00-ish... was nauseated. Salmon? Eggs? What-ever, it was nasty. - Oddly though, worth a mention, it's been quite a “shoe-boot” morning. Quite. - There's a bit of a light dusting of snow out there. And I want to get into town in a bit and then spend the day, cover-alled. One of “those” days. I wonder... - Well? Had a few drags in the living-room and the day commences in the usual “morning mind-set”. They're always “the last”. - I've got things I want to do so... Away we go.. .I suppose - 15.35 AND... indeed, another day draws to a close. BUT... I DID manage to get quite a bit into it. For starts, I left at about 11.00-ish and drive into town... Kinney's... for polish. WELL... OF COURSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE “BLACK”, WHICH IS WHAT I WANTED... WHICH MEANT, IMMEDIATELY, THAT THEY WOULDN'T HAVE ANY! FTW... AS 'TIS SAID. But they had some kind of “oil” and the “neutral” so... I got that. Better than nothing. AND, they had bird seed, various sorts, so I grabbed a bag of some-thing different for the “folks out-side”. No market. No FamDoll. To be honest, I wasn't feeling all too well this morining. A bit of rough breathing and this “face cover” bull-shit... well... NO! SO... drove back to the house and down to the river to check the level. It's ALL ALMOST to “normal”. Roaring Brook is quite as if the flooding never happened. Down at the Simons Hill bridge, the water level is... well... “dry land” is back... the falls are back, but there isn't much access to the sand bar I need. Another day or so and, if we don't get RAIN, it should be fine. So I backed round in Nell's drive (there's no more of this “respect for others' property”, I say that much), and came home again. Must've been round-about noon. - Changed into a “full 5199”, from hat to boots and got to “oiling” the RedWings with a proper attention, then on to the “braided GoodWills” for a coat of “oil”. - Next... got in the mood for a 10z and so... YES, indeed, indeed, INDEED... round-about 14.00 or so... 10zHFO AND QUITE-QUITE WELL WORTH THE TIME AND... Might have been nice to snooze, but instead, every-thing got put back from whence it “came”, as it were and... I got to washing the rags used on the boots, then, gave a try to grind some split peas in the mortar-pestle... It was OK. Just requires a bit of working because the peas are so hard! They got tossed into the “garden”, because they're the first items in... Then filled BOTH feeders with the new seed... Ground some oat-meal down to “flour” and that too... went out the door. - NEXT... DOWN TO THE CELLAR with tape and foil! The “vent” under the loo is semi-closed now. I didn't want to close it entirely because it blows hot onto the plumbing which is good in cold weather. THEN... there was another “vent” that was “closed” with wire and some scraps of sheet-rock... Come to find out, it's an “intake”, but it takes in the air from the cellar! Nope. Not having THAT blowing up into the house. So THAT got “foiled” as well. We'll see how it works out when the “cold” hits the house next time. The furnace did run whilst I was there. But for a brief moment. It really isn't all that “cold” today. We'll see tonight. - Meanwhile... the sky cleared, for the most part, round-about 14.00 so there's been some sun-shine. Very welcome indeed, to be sure. - Now, I'm thinking today's “meal” and though there's a half tin of salmon in the fridge... I'm thinking “peanut butter sammiches” tonight. I'm NOT in the mood to be “cooking” this evening and, to be honest, with this “gut” of mine, I believe I can stand a skipped proper, full meal. So that's what we're doing. - Right now... I'm going to try for a 20-minute shut-eye. Yonah's place needs “house-keeping” but when I went in, moments ago, to start, she'd started eating. I won't disturb. - So... QUITE the day! Eh? Eh! - 21.14 French onion soup with too much bread in it, 2 peanut-butter sammiches... meal. Just had second hot water... finished soc.med. Yonah's light it out, radiator on, door closed. And I'm off to the SHOWER! “Pills” taken too. - Earlier... Juli-jakass was shaking the house with some shit... Nothing like waiting until 20.00 to start shit... been there all fucking day. I'll manage it into a chat... to be sure... (Already “referenced” it to Alvin and Vivian... when I told Vivian why I want the large pallets... which I'll bring into the house tomorrow.) - 22.10 Into the shower at 21.38... out of the shower and done by 22.00.Still later than I'd hoped but... ice cream and hot water and “Birds” and BED! THAT is THAT for THIS! - 23.21 OK. 2 episodes and as much as I can't believe it... I have to force me to bed. It's not that I'm not tired... I am... But even last night I “admitted”... to my-self: it's the ... well... the “fear”. And now that Yonah's in the house... well... I WANT TO SEE HER FLYING FREE, HEALTHY AND COMFORTABLE, NOT ALONE, IN THE COLD! KRISTE! I WISH I COULD BE CERTAIN THAT SHE'D GET OUT THERE AND IMMEDAITELY FIND SHELTER... AND A LITTLE MATE! AND... THAT JANUARY AND FEBRUARY AREN'T GOING TO MAKE-UP FOR THE 'WARMER” WEATHER WE'VE BEEN HAVING. FUCK! - Time to get to bed... a nap... a snooze... I've got “house-keeping” for the little lady tomorrow... and, I suppose... for both of us... for the year. - Oh... I asked Alvin what Joan actually died of last year... it's been almost year now... “Pneumonia”. Yeah? I didn't say but... he said she'd been on oxygen for a while. Yes... but she'd also been on Medicare... We know how “that” goes... when it comes to “treatments”...
Mon.28.Dec: 8.19 Out of bed at about 6.30-ish... just because... Lights went out at mid-night last night and was up thrice to pee so there really hasn't been a “proper” night's sleep but... - Noting: It was 23.48 when the banging and heavy-walking kicked-in next door. WTAF? 23.48? It's not so much that it pisses ME off as it is Yonah, being in the room next-door. But generally... there's just no excuse for “barn-behaviour”. Here we go again. (Although, this morning, with the way I'm feeling, “oxygen deprived”, as it were, a touch “light-headed”, “laboured breathing” and such... well, 2021 is my “66th”... that “double-digit”... it won't be much longer now.) - Woke, this morning, out of a “quick dream”:
Was “in residence” at “sister's”, not happily at all. The house was a mess... laundry every-which-where and I had a few items I wanted/needed to wash. Her washer was running, over-stuffed (that part was a carry-over from one of last night's episodes of “Birds of a Feather”), chugging away so I went to fill the kitchen basin. As it filled, I noticed plastic cling-wrap and plastic bags in there... AS IT FILLED, so I had to scoop that out. I'd already put the detergent in and was angry because I didn't know what the plastic wrap had been used for nor the bags and now, with detergent in, there was no telling what was in that water. But I didn't have any more detergent and so, had to put my clothes in anyway. That's what I finally woke from and decided then, to get out of bed.
So now, I've been up and dressed, to the loo, had 2 coffees, some washing in the basin to soak, opened Yonah's curtains, had a smoke in 2 halves (can't hardly breathe this morning... just feeling so “heavy”). It's -1 or something of the sort this morning with “flocons” in the forecast. Ev's card isn't ready for the post and even if I got it out today, it won't get there by Wednesday. But it's on my “Must Do” list for today. I want to bring the large pallets in which means working on Yonah's room Not sure how I'm going to incorporate them but I was miffed last night, before falling asleep... I'd put those pallets on the table in the garage and those dolts next door took it upon themselves to put them on the dirt floor! So now I need to get them into the house. Hey, it might do some good to be seen moving them anyway... a “polite message”, since I'd said I want to use them as sound insulation. What-ever. Ought to get to market at some point... for “little stuff”, down to the river for sand, need to start the “annual cleaning” but can't use anything too harsh so as not to fill the house with fumes... little Yonah being here. Plants need watering. Yonah's place needs... NEEDS cleaning. There are “chores” for the day. What-ever I get done will be... done, I suppose. It's just one of “those” mornings where I'm feeling the “Why Bother?” Well... must continue the battle until Yonah's back out amongst her folk, so, off we go.... - 10.25 Report: yellow flannel shirt and under-items are on the rack in the shower, Ms. Yonah's place is neat and tidy, the snow is falling and accumulating but only what could be called a “dusting” (and of course, the plough just zoomed by on the main). Oddly, it appears, between last night's shower at 21.30 and not getting to sleep until mid-night, and this morning's waking and getting up and out of the bed, and looking where I am at the moment... my “unconscious” is “timed”, set, some-how so that no matter what I do, I'll always be only where I am when I've normally reached that point in the day. - OK... My breathing is note-worthily heavy, my eyes are a bit “uncomfortable”, my sinuses feel a bit “there”... MAYBE it's “dove dander”? I don' know... I WANT to get to the river to get sand... but if this snow doesn't go away and MELT away again QUICKLY... Oh... this is becoming annoying: the snow now, the cold weather to come... Yonah's dropping feathers all over the place and I don't know why... Oh, always something. - I'm off to finish morning coffee now and hope that I'll get into town some-time in the NEAR future! - 12.24 Post in... “Standard” from “NYSERDA” offering all sorts of “energy savers” stuff. That's it. And I got the boots polished. Snow is swept from the front and back. The “Town Clowns” just passed on the Hill. The snow has stopped falling. Temperature is “comfy-cold”. “Darlene” (I believe that's her name... the “jelly lady” and I had a wonderful chat out front. She moved to The City in 1973, worked with “God's Love We Deliver”! Imagine that!? Who knows? Our paths may have crossed... though she lived on W86th by Riverside. Still... Nice to know... another “Noo Yawkuh”. - Breathing? Still a touch difficult and “heavy”... head's still light. But what I cough up isn't ANY different from the “usual” ick. Oh well... - I have to laugh: When I Darlene mentioned “9/11” and I told of that morning she said “You're touched by an angel.” When I mentioned that “subway bomb” when I worked at Chemical, she said “When we can touch each-other again, I want to rub you. You've got a LOT of angels.” (She's also a “mask freak”. She and hubby were in The City beginning of December for a medical and what she focused on is “They walk around, even out-side, with no mask.” Meanwhile, she's standing out front of the PO here... in a mask. Oh well... - Having oat-meal now... vits. And we shall see if I get out of here today. - 13.38 Had my oat-meal and vits. Jotted a note about Yonah... put it with the DNR on the fridge. Feeling REALLY shitty today... light-headed, closing my eyes is nauseating but I'm TIRED! Going for a lie-down... - 19.49 EV'S CARD IS FINALLY IN THE BLUE BOX. Her birthday is Wednesday, no chance of it getting there by then, but... it's done. Probably should've taken a photo but... done... FINALLY! I don't know WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME THESE DAYS... SO SLOW! - Anyway... 2nd hot water on the boil. Made pasta with the salmon tonight for meal and ice cream after. 'twas food.. .of a sort. - It was a horrible day, health-wise. The last snooze was difficult... I laid there and my body just whirled on the futon. What got me up was the SHAKING OF THE ENTIRE FUCKING HOUSE... THE WASHER NEXT DOOR! JEEZUS KRISTE! But... it got me up and gave me time to figure: I'm going to get river sand, put it into the Pyrex dish with water and stick it in the corner of Yonah's house. She NEEDS to bathe! She's still losing feathers and I fear mites of some kind! Didn't get to the river today, but tomorrow, I have to step out for smokes and such for Thursday night so... I'll get the sand then. At least I don't need POUNDS of it. Just enough for the bottom of the dish... to give “contrast” through the clear glass. See if that works. If not... I'll try just sand. One way or another... I might have to take her, physically, to the basin and I'd really rather not. Oh well. - Now... a bit of soc.med., hot water... Naproxen, vit.C and to BED! What a fucking day. - 23.19 Off to the bed... with a heavy chest. Had a reprieve for a few hours but... lets see how it goes... -6 tomorrow... chill of -13... I need to get to the river!
Tue.29.Dec: 9.31 I was awake at 5.30 (lights went out shortly after 22.30 last night)... and decided to wait for the 6.00 and 6.30 alarms... which did me no good at all because I half-dozed, plotting the day... and finally got out of bed at 7.30... to check on Yonah who was still perched-for-sleep. Well... that's when this morning commenced... for no apparent reason because, well, I didn't want to get dressed and though I felt pretty damned good (at the time), I just wanted to “languish” for a while. Didn't though. Had first coffee with a quickie-smoke in the living-room and got dressed... then to the loo for a “sit and a spell” and suddenly, the day turned “normal” with the general aches and fuckeries that are a “normal” day. - It's “crisp” out there this morning... clear skies, brilliant sun-shine... and I'm betting the river banks are frozen, and the temps aren't expected to get much warmer than they are presently, making the “river sands” difficult, at best, if at all. - I need to get into town.. smokes, mostly, check for black-eyed peas (not expecting to find any). Am mentally juggling the “finances” here and there. there's money, not much, but it's there. And I'd like to get at least 3 pallets into the house, and not... there's the indecision of those that tend to scramble the mind... it doesn't take much to do that these days. Pain in the back, mostly, at present. Why? No discernible reason, but that too, is “normal”. - The furnace is running, set at about 65F. - Just in from the first venture out the door, for a smoke and to fill the back feeder. Yeah... it's cold out there. Alas. - Other-wise, I need to get December's Journals on-line, sort through photos, code... I NEED to find space on the “peripheral drives” to back-up financials and servers and the likes. I NEED another “Seagate”! I NEED to get the ones I have, sorted and ordered. SO many “files”, mostly “images” that I haven't been near in years. Such a fuck. And the PO sign... I'm generally “ill-at-ease” these days... mind and body slipping. Admittedly, the base cause for all the indecision and such is this pre-occupation with “illness”... that conscious and unconscious pre-occupation with “Will I lay down for a snooze and not wake up?” and/or “Will I be in the midst of some hobby, chore, task and drop dead?” It truly is defeatist, and it's gone from “neurotic” to “psychotic” now because it does, in fact, interfere with my simply living and “accomplishing” just about anything. All this fucking education, the ability to recognise and rationalise and KNOW the problem... and still, the un-willingness to correct any of it. (Even now, as I type, the urge to simply “snooze” here, on the futon, is enticing... more “avoidance”... clearly.) The truck needs to be run in this cold so I OUGHT to get out there and start it up. If I don't get out and into town, I'll regret it, and be pissed-off at day's end. And now, yes, there's meat and veg in the freezer, but I can't fix my mind on meals through to the3rd January... at the very soonest. I'm thinking my-self into chaos. ANNNNNND... as I sit here typing, the “motorcades of the masses” come and go out-side my window. Nell is standing on the porch at the pee.oh, chatting. “Darlene” just left some-thing inside the screen door (didn't knock... I wonder why... but I'm happier that she didn't). The banshee is screeching and its side-kick has been here and gone. I see old George just leaving... he was parked across the road. It's all this petty shit that TRULY OUGHT to have NO bearing on me, my existence... but it annoys. (I AM KAFKA... I.M. KAFKA. HOW, IN FUX NAME, DID THAT HAPPEN?... I KNOW better... I KNOW nothing.) - OK... I'm procrastinating again... Time to get this shit-show together. When the “lady-folks depart, I WILL be on the way... the road... ACCOMPLISHING! If for no other reason... just to be able to say there was a reason, logically, for me to get up and out of bed. (Truth is... I DO dare say, were it not for Yonah.... chances are almost excellent that I'd simply lay in bed... “waiting for god”... as it were.) - 12.57 Sitting to “tea”... GOT THE BLACK-EYED PEAS AT TOPS! $2,29/TIN! FROM SOME “SYLVIA” IN “HARLEM, NY”. AND “SEASONED”... MOSTLY WITH “MSG”! BUT... THERE'S BLACK-EYED PEAS IN THE HOUSE FOR THURSDAY/FRIDAY. AND... BROKE DOWN AND GOT “SAND” FROM AUBUCHON'S BECAUSE THE RIVER-BANKS ARE FROZEN AND THE SAND IS GONE, WASHED AWAY... I SHOULD HAVE FIGURED. AND SMOKES AND SO... AND ONE LARGE PALLET IS IN YONAH'S ROOM (and now I have to figure where shit goes on it). AND THE TRUCK IS DOWN A QUARTER TANK BUT IT'S STILL 3/4 FULL! AND THE SKY IS CLEAR AND BLUE, AND THE SUN IS SHINING AND... I just need to take oat-meal and vits. and get my shit together... just keep moving along. Fuck. - 13.21 Just went out to the truck... can't find the grocery receipt. Hmmm... AVERY DELIVERED PROPANE! 23gals AT 2,69/GAL! 40 CENTS UP! AND A BILL... FOR OVER 60$! FUCKERS! I'M TIRED OF THIS BULL-SHIT! ESPECIALLY AT A POINT IN TIME WHERE I CAN'T CALL AND PAY IMMEDIATELY! FUCKERS! AND... I'M WONDERING HOW MUCH OF THAT IS FOR THE POST OFFICE! YEAH... I'M BENT RIGHT NOW... BUT... THANKFULLY, I'LL BE ABLE TO CUT THE COST WITH-IN THE 10 DAYS... STILL... SO MUCH FOR THE 13$ INCREASE IN SOC.SEC. IN JANUARY. FUCK! - And so... the “mood du jour” swings... to FUCKING DARK! Nope... NOT letting this shit get to me. My “time” is in “MONTHS”... they can fuck themselves. - 15.53 AT LAST... THE PALLET IS IN YONAH'S ROOM... AND “SET-UP” WITH THE SHIT IN IT, MOSTLY AS A “SOUND BUFFER”... AND THE PLACE IS HOOVERED, GARABGE IS OUT, THE HOOVER BAG IS EMPTIED... IT WAS STUFFED. I'M NOT “PLEASED” WITH THE PALLET SITUATION BUT IT'S STAYING. IT MAKES THE ROOM CONSIDERABLY SMALLER. BUT... ALAS. - When I took the garbage out, Julius was fucking about with his car... parked out-side the kitchen... “How's it going Bud?” I said nothing. “It's COLD out here!” All I could say was “Tell me about it.” and he bolted back in-side. Me? I'm just fed-up with the banging. LAST NIGHT, AGAIN... 23.45... THE FUCKING BANGING OVER THERE. Well? We keep looking. There's a LOT MORE I could do IF we get that $2k any time soon... but MOVING seems to be a “priority”... I don't need this shit. - And there we have it, as the day draws to a close. - Pasta for meal again, tonight. But hey! It's food and there's food in the house. - As for the “Avery” bill? New year, new me: I don't give a fuck... They deliver as they damned-well will... I'll attend the bill... as *I* damned-well will. (New year... New supplier... There...) - 20.50 Well... the shits are up and about next door... started at about 19.00. I'm too wound (as I usually am with such bull-shit fuckeries) to address it right now, but I'll be sure to make mention when-ever possible. FUCK. It's not just “through the wall”... it's the stomping on the floor! And tonight it appears they're having a bit of a “disagreement”. Oh this is going to prove some fuck of a “New Year”, I can see it now. He's been talking of moving... I'll be SURE to let Alden know that he needs to stick to the “age bracket”. This is ridiculous! - Anyway... the $2k cheques have been thwarted again. Not surprisingly. I'll have to work the budget at some point tomorrow... between what-ever else. (Sound insulation very much on the new “shopping lists” as well as a new place.) - First hot water... late, indeed... and now time for nightly C and Naproxen and “Birds of a Feather” and bed... hopefully sleep... ESPECIALLY FOR YONAH! (I'm burning-mad thinking of the shit banging against the wall... HER wall... As I said to Alvin on Saturday “Thank GOD I didn't take that room for the bed-room!” I HOPE THAT gets its way to Massachusetts. Other-wise, I might just give Alden a “Happy New Year” call shortly after the day...
Wed.30.Dec: 9.00 Up at 7.30, feeling quite well, as usual, whilst laying in bed. Heard the alarms but, as usual... drifted into snooze as I laid there, pondering the day's “events” and “chores”. - Last night was this morning, when I finally gave in to the fatigue and put lights out and such at 0.09! Oh well... - But presently, I'm up, dressed, have washed sand for Yonah's “bath”. The Pyrex is in there, sand on the bottom, water. Trying the water this morning. I put fresh kitchen roll down, took the nest out and replaced it with the dish. Ah... but when I went to the kitchen to get the water for the dish, I'd left the little door to the cage open and, from the kitchen, I heard the “flutt'ring” of wings. She'd found the open door and taken off! Sadly, she ended-up on the floor, under the table, against the wall. Not exactly a great flight this morning. And now, she's back in her “house”, but not too terribly animated. There's no signs of injury, but I'm pretty sure she's not happy. And I've no idea where she'd been before getting to the floor. Only time will tell. Meanwhile, her “full spectrum” light is on over-head and the brilliant (I believe it's like a 100 watt) desk lamp are on. It's over-cast this morning so I'm trying for “brilliance”... MAYBE she'll take to the water... (maybe not). I can only hope. - And too, the squirrels got to the larger feeder this morning, emptied it completely and left it quite askew. That's been attended already. - Coffee, of course, is done. I'm on the futon now with almost 2nd-to-3rd. - Feeling terribly nauseated this morning. Really what I could honestly call “not well”. I was “voice recording” the dream I woke from this morning, sitting, in robe, on the futon, and as I spoke, I almost wanted to vomit. It's not the “chest” this morning. My sinuses are “odd”, like on-set “cold”, my throat feels slightly “obstructed”, as if “post nasal build-up” of some sort. But it's the nausea... that light-headedness and wanting to vomit. I can't help but wonder if there isn't something in the vents... from the heating. So, as a “last resort”, I've put a 9v into the “CO monitor”. The house is, pretty much, closed-up these days. Then there's the heat... Carbon monoxide? Radon? Lord only knows in this old place. Well... we shall see. (As I was filling the bird feeder I thought: with my fate, I'd probably be unable to get to the phone to dial 911 and eventually, surely, Julius would notice a “foul odour” leeching through the walls. Or, if bad enough, it would go through to the PO or out to the porch. Anyway, by that time, what they'd find in here wouldn't be pleasant. Oh well... it's really of no concern. And there's the fact that I've been docile, “sedimentary”, as Linda Rubo called it (the miserable, thieving, “Christian” shit). I TRULY OUGHT to make a point of getting out... a walk to Roaring Brook or to the bridge, at the very least. I ought... - And the post-cow is in. Rolled-up just as I'd started typing. Between the 22.30 wall-banging/foot-stomping from the back, and the 9.30 screeching of the banshees in the front... So much for a “quiet little place in the mountains”. And last night's browse of the flats was unimpressive. The same places that have been listed from November! The only 2, in Rouses Point, that I'd consider... the contact number is “802” and that's a “Hell-to-the-Hell-NO” from me. So... Truth is, Rouses Point would be nice to be by the lake; Champlain would be nice to be by the border again (not that it would do me any good, since it's closed these days... “covidiots”). But it's quite flat “up there” and it's in “Clinton County”! So, unless I find a place I simply CAN'T refuse... And there's absolutely NOTHING down here, other than Lake Saranac/Placid and for some reason, I don't want to be over there... too “touristy”, as it were. So... So... - Meanwhile...Strangely... last night, when I went to bed, that romaine that I'd planted last week, was in perfect shape. THIS MORNING, THE ENTIRE CENTRE HAD TURNED BROWN AND ROTTED! OVER-NIGHT! WHAT... THAT ACTUAL FUCK... HAPPENED? The roots and base were fine, but the leaves had browned, gone soft! Seriously... WHAT... THE ACTUAL FUCK... HAPPENED? - 11.51
I JUST WANT TO NOTE THAT I'M HAVING A RATHER “EXCEPTIONALLY DIFFICULT” DAY OF IT TODAY. THE DIZZINESS, LIGHT-HEADEDNESS, NAUSEA JUST KEEPS WORSENING. I'VE HAD OTHER DAYS LIKE THIS, TO BE SURE. THE “CENTRE” OF IT ISN'T IN THE LUNGS... IT'S MORE IN THE CENTRE OF THE CHEST, BEHIND THE STERNUM. STOMACH? PERHAPS. I FIND MYSELF THINKING OF OMA'S WORDS: “I'M SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED.” THERE'S A PART OF ME THAT WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE CAUSE (AND A MAJOR PART THAT KNOWS THAT I WON'T BE TOLD THE TRUTH ANYWAY, EVEN IF I WERE TO HEAD TO HOSPITAL OR A DOCTOR), AND YET, THERE'S THE PART OF ME THAT KNOWS THAT, UNLESS IT'S SOMETHING JUST “PETTY”, “FIXABLE” WITH A COUPLE OF PILLS OR A ROUTINE SLAM OF ANTIBIOTICS, IT'S THE “KNOWING” THAT CAN BE WORSE, BREAKING-DOWN THE SYSTEM WITH NOTHING BUT “WORRY” ABOUT SOMETHING ULTIMATELY INEVITABLE. “KNOWING IS WORSE THAN NOT KNOWING”... “IGNORNACE IS BLISS”. BUT IT'S MORE ANNOYING THAN MUCH ELSE. BELCHING, FROM TIME-TO-TIME HELPS A LITTLE, BUT NOT MUCH AND NOT FOR LONG. OH... THE WONDER. BUT THE BOTTOM LINE: YONAH. WERE I TO DROP DEAD I'M PRETTY SURE THAT NOBODY WILL TAKE HER IN, TAKE CARE OF HER, SEE TO IT THAT SHE'S KEPT SAFE UNTIL WARMER WEATHER. I'VE *GOT* TO MANAGE TO MAKE IT THROUGH NO LESS THAN FEBRUARY! PREFERABLY MARCH AS WELL. AT THE VERY LEAST. IT'S ONLY 3 MONTHS, AND TIME PASSES QUICKLY. I OUGHT TO BE ABLE TO MANAGE. (BUT HONESTLY, AT TIMES LIKE THIS, I TEND TO DOUBT IT.) OH WELL...
I've pissed the morning away already and still want to note that dream... so with some moments before “after-noon vits. I'll get to it. (A note on the vits.: I wonder if the “stomach trouble” isn't caused by those. But when I consider cutting-back, I keep remembering that the “vit.C therapies” I've read-up on had to run a course of “weeks” before any noticeable changes occurred. And I can't help but think that, logically, if I were to suddenly drop off this “routine” now, all I'd do is make it more “hospitable” for what-ever is being “attended” to rebound... with a vengeance... before said February or March... I don't dare cut it all out now. Oh well... oh well... oh well... Truth is: What-ever will be... will be. Now... on to the dream:
It was always sort of mid-day and very over-cast, every moment in a “grey”, though the dream was in full colour, and cold... a “Winter damp cold”. I was in a Homeless shelter that resembled a school building, a combination of “St.Pat's” and “NFA”, with a bit of the “COTS” shelter in BTV, as I think of it. The place was run by an elderly sort of fellow who, in the dream, (of course) was rather similar to Martin, of “the studio” in The City... (which I commented on later in the dream). We'd “won” or were “afforded” a trip away from the shelter, to Germany. There was a group of us who were to leave that day. Some of the guys I knew and had become friends with were going along, others were not. But there was excitement and a flurry of activities as those of us who were going tried to get some belongings together for the trip. I was “concerned” and “disappointed” because I had almost nothing to my name, and I was quite aware of all that I USED to have, but was stolen... by sister (where life and dream meld). I had not proper clothing for travel, never mind, proper for cold weather (much as it was when I actually DID go to the 30th Street shelter). All of us who were leaving, had to get to the airport, on our own which meant the majority of us were walking. The airport was simultaneously a long distance away and yet easily walked (as dreams will do). When I arrived, with the group and all the others at the airport, at customs, I was asked where my “baggage” was. I said I had nothing but the little bag (a sort of large, canvass, “tool bag”) I was carrying. The customs official insisted that I'd need, at the very least, a heavy coat, since it was Winter in Europe and I'd need appropriate clothing immediately upon arrival. He sent me back to the shelter to get a jacket/coat! I was REALLY ANGRY because I knew that there'd been some fat woman who'd done my packing, with-out my permission, and with-out my prior knowledge, and she'd TAKEN SOME of my belongings (which is, in reality, the throw-back to sister and the packing of the U-Haul... I don't suppose that will ever leave me). I wanted, so very much, to be able to confront her, when I got back to the shelter, and punch her in the face! The plane was already loading at this juncture, but there was a possibility that I could make it to the shelter and back in time, but as I left, I knew that I had nothing “appropriate” to my name. What I was wearing at the time (t-shirt, chambray blue shirt, thin, hooded sweat-shirt... VERY much the same as I'd gone to the 30th Street shelter in) was ALL that I had. As I left the airport, I knew I wasn't going to make it back to the plane, and even if I did, I wouldn't be allowed on the flight because I simply hadn't any cold weather clothing. Still, I left the terminal building and the airport, walking, to go back to the shelter. (12.56 HAD to take a snooze-break for 20 minutes... which helped a touch but...) There was an old “large, grey stone structure”, ramp-like, but it was, in fact, part of a much larger, old, stone building, a “rampart” of sorts. It was covered in snow. I, and a few of the others who were headed for the shelter, used it as a sort of “short-cut”, sliding down it to the street below. I was rather leery of it, because it was quite high, but I knew it was a very quick way to the street and so, I slid my way down, with a little difficulty, but managed. As we reached the shelter, I knew I'd have to check my locker, for no other reason than to make it “look good”, like I actually looked for something. I couldn't remember the exact combination for the lock because I hadn't ever really used the locker for anything, since I didn't HAVE anything to put into it. But I started saying, aloud, the numbers 30, 35, 55, but in German, none of which were, I thought, the actual combination to the lock. When we arrived back at the shelter, we, the group who were supposed to be on the place, scattered along the hall-ways. The “lockers” were more like those in a high-school, along the walls of the hall-ways. I went to a section where I may or may not have had a locker, and to a “segment” of horizontal, metal, dark-blue-grey lockers. I took hold of a combination-knob and began to turn it, as if trying to open one locker, legitimately and the cover to an entire “set” of three lockers simply came apart from the wall! Well, of course, there was nothing in any of the lockers behind that so I simply said “See? She DID steal everything!” and walked away. Nobody was paying any attention and I realised that I wasn't going to get on that plane so I went to a room, perhaps my room, but that wasn't really an issue or matter or fact. But now, it was getting late enough in the day to be dark. I went into the room and to the side of the bed away from the door. I was laying on the bed, but off the side, as I was mostly sitting on the floor, arms and head on the bed, laying behind two pillows and a sort of “duvet” (as I recall this, it reminds me of George's duvet that he had in 5W-101... the pillow cases and duvet were a brown colour... solid though... I recall George's being similar but having a pattern of some kind). I started to doze off, being so tired, but noticed a guy passing the door, in the hall-way. The lights in the room were out so I probably couldn't have been seen but I wondered what the guy was looking for. He continued to walk by and I got up and headed down to a sort of “cafeteria/community room” where “residents” were gathering for evening chats and a meal or something of the sort. At some point during that day, there'd been quite a fire in a building adjacent to the shelter and it totalled everything there. There was talk about the alarm system in the shelter being so great that it “saved all of us by warning us in advance”. I'd noticed the charred remains through a window in the hall-way as I headed to this “community room”. It upset me, to think that a fire, that close, could have taken everything from all of us in the shelter... but then thought how it wouldn't have made any difference to me, other than I'd just have no place to be... again. I happened into a conversation about the guy who ran the shelter. It was understood that he was an immigrant who'd come to the country with nothing, not even a destination on arrival. “He's really had it hard.” somebody said, and I found myself quite ambiguous about the matter because yes, he DID have it hard, yes he DID have to come almost illegally, yes he DID work hard to get this shelter, yes he IS compassionate in that he decided to get this building and turn it into a shelter for the Homeless but he WAS receiving a LOT of aid, support and assistance from the local government and a lot of other programmes that supported him, perhaps not completely comfortably but still... HE was receiving aid and WE were NOT. I had sympathy and compassion for him but at the same time resented him, deeply. And, i thought of that fat bitch who was employed by him, who had, for all intent and purpose, robbed me blind under the guise of “house-keeping” and the likes. And... as my annoyance level rose... I woke.
It's 13.29 and there's a bit of sun coming in through the living-room window. I have some oat-meal and a cup of ginger tea in the kitchen. I'm still nauseous, I almost wish I could just vomit what-ever it is that's causing the nausea but I'm also afraid that if I do vomit, I'll bring up blood and well... THAT certainly wouldn't be of any good. So? So... off to the kitchen for mid-day vits. Let's see what else I can do with today. (Tomorrow is going to be quite the day... I need to get the bed linens washed and dried in the same day and all the laundry done and the likes... and there's house-cleaning... EARLY START... which means EARLY TO SNOOZE TONIGHT! NO MATTER WHAT... MUST!) - 14.01 The sun is shining as it sets (of course) still to the left of the house across the road. I was out for a smoke when it occurred to me: Winter... road dust, salt and such... In recent years (the “rural” years) I've had breathing difficulties and the general “malaise” every Winter. OK. So this time is a bit more severe, but... I AM THINKING ME INTO THIS HORROR! CONSCIOUSLY AND UNCONSCIOUSLY! (Or, maybe not but...) Anyway... on to posting the text part of the Journal to the servers. From there? I OUGHT to start editing images! DAMN IT ALL... I NEED TO GET TO THE MATTERS THAT REQUIRE ATTENTION! AND... so I shall. (Meanwhile, I have NO idea what I'm going to have for tonight's meal. Oh well...) - 14.18 Text to servers... done. Moving along to... Who the fuck knows where or what? - 22.28 Hot water and “pills”, a few episodes of “Birds of a Feather”, out for a halfie and then HOPE for a night's sleep and a CIVIL morning. I want to do the bed lines and get this place together! - Had chicken for meal tonight. Put the frozen in late... it didn't cook properly and wasn't ready until almos 17.30. Ice cream after and... by 18.15... all done again. - Yonah didn't like her “bath” today so I took it out for the night. Gave me a chance to run boiling water through the sand. Will try again tomorrow. - Meanwhile... as usual, feeling “better”... It's always “better” at night. I wonder why. - Had a literal “dusting” of snow earlier and the fucking plough's been by twice! Morons. No doubt the Town Clowns will be round at about 6.00 tomorrow... to scrape the snow they'd heard about tonight. Oh well... It's a wrap. - OH... Managed to back-up the financials, pass-words AND servers! YAY! -
Thu.31.Dec: 5.30 Linens on the soak. Coffee in the press. (The Town Clowns have headed up Simons Hill and are due to return momentarily... There's not even a trace of snow on the road but....) I woke of my own at 5.00, imagine that. The alarm for 5.30... is off because I don't need it. It wasn't easy, getting out of the bed but... I'm glad I did. And here we go... (5.33... and the Town Clowns head back to their Town... E-town... that is... Plough down, of course. Fuck.) - Y'know... I see so many saying/posting/&c. that they're SO HAPPY 2020 is over. Me? The very thought of “2021” makes me sick. We've had 4 years of a President who worked hard for the country, & now that's gone. The Communists are moving in now... Oh well... I just have the feeling I'm living “Germany... 1930”. Thank the gods I'm not in my 30s. (One thing though... this is my “66th” year... double-digit. Ah.... One wonders.) - No... one gets to the kitchen... one's bed linens are on the soak, one's shower needs a scrubbing before hanging one's linens there-in... - 11.29 ALL THE BILLS ARE PAID!!! THERE'S ENOUGH MONEY IN THE BANQUE TO LAST (with relative comfort) FOR JANUARY!!! SOC.SEC. POSTED THIS MORNING AND THE “OUT-STANDINGS” THAT I THOUGHT WOULD “LINGER” UNTIL NEXT WEEK... ARE PAID!!! AND I'VE BUDGETED THE PAYMENTS FOR END OF JANUARY AS WELL!!! I AM... SICK WITH AWE!!! And I've scrubbed the loo, the carpet and kitchen floor are next. Then some dusting and Hoovering. And then... the “Annual Cleaning” is DONE! The sheets are on the line from since about 7.00. There's a gentle breeze. Temperature is 1/-2° but warm enough to keep the sheets from freezing! The pee-oh is closed until Saturday. I managed an hour of “snooze”. Breathing is a touch on the “heavy”, chest is a touch on the “painful” (upper right, of course). But I'm rolling along and this is amazing! AND... should I want/need, I can get 100 gals. oil next week or the week after! There's a slight touch of sun-light out there. Yonah has her “bath” in the house. THIS is NOT as I expected today to be but... NO COMPLAINTS! I AM SICK (nauseated anyway... as per usual these days) WITH AWE! - 13.29 FASCINATING! The morning's gone by quickly. I'm just waiting to clean Yonah's place, light dust and Hoover and to shave and shower me now. AND THE SHEETS ARE DRY... THE PILLOW CASES ARE ALMOST DRY ENOUGH TO PUT UP! AND... THE BILLS ARE PAID! - Still, I'm feeling nauseated, for NO obvious reason or excuse. My chest doesn't “rattle”. What I cough-up is mostly “clear”, nothing out of the “ordinary”. Now I'm wondering: I remember taking vit.E when at Oma's, for “stamina” and, yes, the “stamina” to find a place to “sleep-over” (ah, those were the days), and I remember having a “strange” reaction to it... I felt a touch “ill” back then; so, could this “malaise” be caused by THAT? I'm just in from sweeping the back walk and, to be honest, the transitory pain that I usually get in the upper right is now in the upper left. Well, I've taken today's E and D and the “tea-time” C. Perhaps, tomorrow, I'll cut back on the E, making it every OTHER day, and see what happens. COULD be an “over-dose” of some-thing. (It COULD be an over-dose of the C as well, but there's some part of me that says I mustn't stop that for a while yet. Sure, I'm working my organs harder, but the over-all effect might be worth it... We shall see. Hey, tomorrow... new month, new year, new regimen, new “trial and error”.) - Meanwhile... meanwhile... I can't believe how this morning turned! I WILL see the “new year” in with nothing “hanging” over my head. Hospital bill? Sure. But I have NO intention of even TRYING to cover that. NorthWest Med never sent me a bill for my visits. And this shit-hole (“UVM”), with their attitude and general disrespect, &c. can go find their money else-where. Try the State. I've put in more than my “fair” share supporting it. And Medicare paid them more than half of what they billed. Fukkit. It's NOT my concern. - Now... I need to get on with... Indeed. - 16.46 INCREDIBLE! DONE! The linens have to be put away, but they're a tad damp and by the registre. Then dishes. Shower. Make the bed... The house is DONE! There's NOTHING that “must” be done! The next year will come in wonderfully complete. I still can't believe that Soc.Sec. came today! BLESSING! - And other-wise, pasta on the heat. Tomorrow... chicken, veggies, black-eyed peas! - And I'm feeling “relieved” but a bit shitty. - OH... YONAH'S HOUSE GOT A BIT OF A RE-MAKE. I ADDED MORE GRASSES FOR HER, BEHIND THE “NEST”. MORE OUT-DOORSY. WHAT A MESS I MADE THERE! BUT... it's all Hoovered and settled and that's that for that. - Now... to meal. And later... martini. (I wonder if my body will tolerate it any more. I have my doubts. But...) - (Wrap-up at 9.17 on Friday morning... Today's meal was another “pasta a la vegetales 'Italian Mix' frozen” followed by a bit of ice cream and a “wait for the martinis”. The house-work was done, and EVERYTHING was in order. I grabbed a 20-minute snooze on the futon and when I woke from that, at about 19.00, because, of course, eating was complete, with washing-up, but 18.00, I decided that I'd just get me together, hit the shower, put on the robe and settle-down for some “tele”. NOT even the slightest interest in watching or even knowing about any sort of “celebrations”. Nah... it really isn't worth it, in the first place, and honestly, NOTHING about this day “felt” like any sort of “holiday”. JUST as I'd put the light on in the loo, ready to “clean my neck” in prep for a nice hot shower... THE PHONE... THERESA! WELL... SHE RANG ME SO I TOOK THE CALL AND WE CHATTED... UNTIL ONE OF HER BOYS CAME IN AND STARTED TALKING WITH HER AND SHE, AS USUAL, TALKED WITH HIM AND THEN DROPPED THE PHONE, AND, AS I GOT THE MESSAGE LATER... THE “EAR-PIECE” AND WE LOST THE CALL. BUT HOW WONDERFUL... THERESA RANG! NOBODY ELSE BOTHERED... not that there's anybody else who even might... and I don't care. We talked for about and hour so, the shower was postponed until about 20.30 or so. - Ah, the shower. FULL SCRUB, TWICE... “Algemarin”! Glorious scent and SO CLEAN! So the shower got a good rinse after the good scrub of earlier, I got a good scrub and on went the robe, the first martini got mixed and I took to the futon, by the light of the new “meteor lights”, to watch “Birds Of A Feather”, for 3 episodes. “Nibbles” with martini: peanut-butter on challah, cut into bit-size. Yes, smart enough to know that I needed to eat SOMETHING with. Not “fancy” fare, but it served the purpose. And so the evening sauntered into the night, and the night sauntered toward the “end of day” which suddenly became the end of year! Yonah was in her room. I was in the living-room. THANKFULLY, the house was calm and quiet. I'd been “concerned” that there might be some sort of “wall-banging” from next door but LO! and NO! All was calm, not so bright. I'd HOPED to be in bed by about 22.00, a bit of reading, fresh, clean linens and such but, as it turned, at the end of three episodes of “Birds Of A Feather” and three “normal”, proper martinis - no “heavy-handedness” - I glanced up at the little clock on the book shelf, then checked the clock on the lap-top... 0.44... 2020 actually slipped right by and away, as did December. A quick “jot” to the Journal, lap-top power off and me, to the kitchen, washed the martini glass and plate from the “nibbles”, dried all, put everything to proper place, whispered an “I Love you” into Yonah, as I do before bed, into the bed-room, under the blankets, light out... house in order, truck in running order in the yard, all the bills paid, a bit of money in the banque, food in the house ... a little place in the Adirondacks ... How nicely things have finally changed after too many years of panic and pressure and worry and almost-homeless and actually homeless and being in somebody else's home... A “new year”... I'm betting this is the last of them. All that shit and Hell to get to here, where the dust isn't just settled but it's blown away, the turmoil turned to peace and every day is “Now I lay me down to sleep... If I should die before I wake... If I should live another day...” July will be 2 years here, I'm not expecting to make it to then, and surely no longer. 2021... I don't like the number and as the global political situation has twisted with this latest political election, I dread what's to come this year... I don't see much, if anything “positive”. As I say: Grand time to be “old”. What-ever torture we're to be subjected to... at least it won't be a long while. )
| YONAH - 31 DECEMBER 2020 | |||||
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|