: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
The days return to growing shorter – as the heat and humidity rise. – And the time comes swiftly and heavily… to move… again… to move… again… move… again… – Enough.
Tue.1.Jul: 9.43 I woke at 4.30 this morning… then dozed. Woke at 5.30… woke… then dozed. The heat and humidity are getting to me. Up and about by about 6.00. Humid. Hot. It’s miserably hot…. 29° in here this morning now. And the “new month”, the drawer count… heavy on my mind… and my guts. Heavy. Just heavy. But I go on. Why? I don’t know. I just do. Need a haircut again. Need much in the way of… well.. everything. Need. I’m tired, so very tired of that. Just so tired. – July… fuck it. FTW. – “Canada Day”. Imagine. – I hope all’s well in Montréal this morning. But, I went, I worked. That’s what was necessary. That’s what was important. That’s all. – 20.26 The day is done! The thermo on the barn just read 80°F! At this hour! There’s a breeze, but even that’s warm! And poor Dixie looks like she’s about to die! Poor thing! I know… I KNOW how she’s feeling. – Well, I made the Drawer Count… lost all my really nice stamps too. Fuck! Out of circulation, claimed Aline, so she took them from the drawer. Fuck! Oh well. And I was 13-something dollars over… so I have to work on that on Thursday. I want MY money! I should have taken the stamps… no… not really. The money’s more important right now indeed. Anyway… I’m good for another 6 months when they let me go and don’t call me back (probably). – And… the phone’s off. I have the cash… in the 5s and such. But it’s been TOO bloody HOT to bike into St.A. to pay. So? So fuckit. And this is a difficult week: I work on Thursday, so can’t get to pay the phone then, everything’s closed on Friday (so I won’t get paid either), I work on Saturday so no CU and no pay phone… Earliest? Monday. Oh well. Tough shit on it all. No prob. No worry. It’s too hot to worry about such things. – This evening I thought how it’s too hot even to head HOME for the final run. How terrible is that? And yes, I’m thinking about it. No car. No income to speak of. No matter how I save it goes. Dead end. Life. Fuck it. Truly. – During the day I think of the “GoFundMe” mentions on fessebook and how people all rally for “others” who do jackshitall. Me? Busting my everything to try and support? None. And the nasty comments from Viv run and re-run through my head. I know I should simply dismiss those… but they hurt. I’m a douche-bag… not even up to that. – Oh well.. it’s too hot for this, it’s late enough to go to sleep (if possible) and the lap-top is getting hot. But I ate today: 4 franks, mustard, relish… not cooked, on 2 rolls. 2 ice cream samichez (little ones though). So I’ve taken calories. Hopefully tomorrow will be cooler with NO RAIN and maybe I can get the garbage out and me too… “all the garbage” and get to pay the phone at least and maybe get something at Hannaford’s. On Friday, when shit here is closed, hopefully I’ll get to Metro for smokes too. Mine now only last through Saturday. – OK. It’s closing time here. And these choco-grahams are too heavy for this heat. Everything’s too heavy for this heat. – Oh… PS: When I got back from the PO, nobody at the house. They all came back and… they must have eaten whilst they were out… and tonight I wasn’t invited to dine. THANKFULLY!
Wed.2.Jul: 7.04 Woke at 3.00 this morning. Then again with the alarm. Then again, just moments ago. The garbage bag ripped into shreds. I fought with the rest in the barrel. Finally got it out to the street. Had my smoke. And am not feeling well this morning. The heat. Or something. Noise seems excessive. Legs don’t want to support me. My hands ache as I type. And I should get to pay the phone. The sun is up. It’s HOT again this morning. The road is wet. It must have rained. Humidity. Just not feeling well this morning. I cannot be “not well” this morning. I cannot be “not well” this morning. – 9.24 The termo on the barn is reading 101°F! There is much that I should do today… and I simply… cannot. I’d like to paint… the oars… a water-colour… something. I simply… cannot. I so wish that I could be dead right now. I SO wish… – 20.54 Time to wrap this shit day up! NOTHING done… ALL DAY on the bed! HOT! HUMID! Watching QI, searching for MORE LOST MUSIC on the iPod! Fed the fuck up with that bit. Annoyed by the barking. The other 2 sat in the parlour with the air-conditioner. I don’t give a fuck. But I finished the 4 franks with rolls and the few choco-grahams. Was rather ill this morning, heat cramps and such. But… – The heat index now is 33! And I haven’t showered all day… won’t until tomorrow… and tomorrow? Not looking forward to that either. But… But… But… Fuck it.
Thu.3.Jul: 5.17 Awake. Cool morning. And a case of the liquishitz coming on. Why? Why not. And a day at the PO to follow. And admittedly, not looking forward to it. But… Today, is what-ever I want it to be. – 17.31 Got to the PO at 7.32 and Aline and Sue were there, lights on, mail in, (just got the message… No phone service… Well of course not! I didn’t get there to pay it! Fuckalls.) Aline on phone trying to phone me! Of ALL the damned days… the ONE when I don’t get there at 7.00! Bugger it! Aline left… for a plane and I picked up. Had a good morning with Sue, of course, and then? The day went to shit. Packages, “special” stamps and MONEY ORDER! THEN, the truck came at 16.15 and I was still doing the deposit. I’ve got all the prelim. paper-work done through Tuesday… AND I forgot that I’m working… THROUGH TUESDAY! Ah… and THEN… and THEN I find that I’ve been shorted 30 minutes on this pay-roll!!!! AND THEN… I FINALLY GOT MY MILEAGE CLAIM IN FOR E.FAIRFIELD!!! NONE of this shit will come through until the 18th! FUCK’N’BUGGER ME! SO… THEN… the bloody close-out 1412 crashes… AS I’M CERTIFYING! WAITED 45 MINUTES, TRIED TO PHONE CYNDI (as be-fits the name… no answer… no help). Rachel doesn’t work with the on-line so no help. FUCKED! I left at 17.15 and will put in for 17.30 and yes, I expect to get paid… especially since I’ll be going back tomorrow to try closing again. Colour me “Pissed’n’Annoyed” this evening. BUT… for lunch: cottage cheese and 2 rolls… WITH BUTTER! A Woopie pie and a couple of glazed donuts. So I ate… because FS came through. I guess we can’t have it all… though, I don’t know why *I* can’t when others seem to. – The others in the house are in the air conditioned parlour, and I’m in the fanned room. I’m not in the least tired (oddly) but am looking forward to simply being left alone so that I can browse the net a bit and crash to sleep until morning when I’ll toddle to the PO to try to close… again. – Yup… colour me “Buggered”. – 19.20 POURED WITH RAIN!!! Cooled the air. Pizza was in the oven when I went for a smoke… no invite tonight. –
Fri.4.Jul: 5.26 The 4.30 alarm sounded… I turned it off… dozed. I was asleep by 21.00 last night. I was in bed by 20.30 last night. I’m tired this morning. Guts are a bit on the “churning” for some reason… some reason, indeed. “Car”. “Cash”. The usual thoughts of the mornings. And this morning, the close-out that didn’t get done yesterday. “Oh what a beautiful mawning!” Shit! – Wet this morning too. Clouds. A cool morning though. And miles to go before I rest. So many miles that need to be covered. Bedford. Perhaps St.A. I don’t know. And the forecast is for rain again. So much to “do”, so many miles to cover. And? – Jester told of a “cook-out” today. Imagine that. I should be gone for that. I want t be gone for that. I want to be HOME for the day. Time to check the new forecast. If there’s a chance… On the road again today. One the road… again. – 20.23 The day is done. All of it spent in bed. ALL of it. In the room, on the bed, browsing and the like. John came over. The 4 of them had a “picnic” on the picnic table, in the back yard. John brought steaks. They made salads. Me? I didn’t feel like participating… for reasons already documented. And truly? I don’t feel well at all. Maybe because of eating only a roll all day. But I didn’t feel well when I woke this morning. Truly… just feeling tired and ill. I wonder if it doesn’t have something to do with the pain in the side… the inflammation. Lyle invited me to drinks and dinner. Bob came to invite as well. The thought of drinking and eating made me ill. Just… ill. Admittedly I’m concerned about work, income, travel to Bedford for smokes and such and St.A. to pay the phone. Too much on the mind. Too much in general. Tomorrow will be hell at work, after the holiday. Then Monday… after the week-end. And none of it will be appreciated… I don’t look forward to being called back at the end of the “term” of this job. I doubt it will happen. – I opened a new Crowdfunder today. There too… no promise. Just stupidity. I need a car! – Well, the day is done and I’m going to bed. Hopefully to sleep through the night. Hopefully. – Yes, this is a bit of a “depression”… again. I know it is. I don’t even feel the desire to shower, and my mouth is like a manure pit. But I don’t want to brush my teeth. I need a hair-cut. Could have. Didn’t want to be bothered. – Oh well, this day is done.
Sat.5.Jul: 4.56 What a restless night! By 20.30 I was under the covers, ready for a night’s sleep… at 22.00 I was still very much awake. I have no idea when I finally fell asleep. But I was up at 2.00 and then again at 3.00 and when the alarm sounded at 4.30, I didn’t want to wake up. I pulled the sleeping bag over me. I’ve been laying on it, the bed hasn’t been made since I did the washing. It got that cool over-night. And it’s cool and damp this morning. And my right side is SORE! What a morning. What a day. I still have to get to Bedford. I still have to pay the phone. There’s a lot of travel coming… today… perhaps. Or today and tomorrow. I’ll just have to see how the day goes. AND… I haven’t eaten anything. I was hungry last night but didn’t want to get up to fix Ramen. Didn’t want to eat because then I’d be awake and after eating, a smoke. Oh well. It’s going to be an interesting sort of day. I was also anxious because of the 1412 that has to be done this morning. I just don’t know… just don’t know. – And no word from Viv. I wonder if she’s ticked. – Well? On with the day. Eh? – 14.38 No sense in even trying to get any-where this afternoon. FUCK! – Got into the PO at about 6.45, ran the 1412 prog. and… it worked! I had to re-entre Thursday’s work because it didn’t take it. But… it got done. THEN the truck arrived LATE… almost 7.40… and with a SHIT-LOAD of mail! Of course… after the holiday. It took until 11.00 to get the First Class broken-down, sorted and cased. I got yelled at twice for not giving mail out. A customer from. Québec CITY had trouble with a parcel tracked. Another one from up North wanted mail. Honestly! Even Sue said it would make it easier if Aline co-operated with me. But… I’ll address that at a later date. Meanwhile… I didn’t get back to the (empty) house until 14.30!!! because I stepped to the market for cream cheese and some stuff for lunch… I ate whilst sorting and casing the Third Class mail! (And I had an Express this morning as well! SHIT!) – SOOooo…. tomorrow? Bedford AND St.Albans! One trip! FUCK FUCK ME! – The weather right now is delightful, save the wind. It would have been a PERFECT day for biking… would have been. But now? I look forward to getting a night’s sleep, up at about 5.00 and AT the border AT 8.00 when they open. Bedford and then down to St.A… hopefully. – My body is going to rebel and revolt from that. – 17.57 A beautiful evening, breeze and all. The trio went to BTV, as was seen on fessebook. Me? Browsed a bit, got annoyed at the utter stupidity of people, had a smoke and am now ready to go to sleep. Metro opens at 8.00 tomorrow, ATT at 10. Weather permitting… it’s going to be an all day affair. Hopefully a delightful one at that. But for now? I’ve had it with this day. Time to wrap it up and get the fuck out of it. My guts are churning. Cream cheese and ice cream at lunch… too much dairy fat I suppose. Alas… but CALORIES!
Sun.6.Jul: 11.17
Got more music on the iPod whilst it rained. The sun’s out the heat’s up. B. and Juster drove into St.A. told L. but didn’t bother to ask me. Fuck them! Now? I stink like rotting flesh… shower and OUT! – 16.44 Ramen noodles and relish on a roll (x2). – Made it to Bedford for 3 packs of smokes and no phone. 25 cars at the border coming back (the Canadian fellow called “I hope you don’t have ice cream!”). The US guy remembered me… zip through. But… The HEADWINDS coupled with the delay at the border… no way I was going to make it on time to ATT. So? No phone… until Wednesday… and that looks bad because of storms so I’ll be biking in the rain… again. – Having this shit to eat, perhaps a V-tonic, a shower and… BED! I want to sleep this depression away. Until tomorrow’s bull-shit and a WHOLE DAY of being yelled at. JOLLY! – 18.29 Showered… fan on. 2 gulps v… 2 gulps t… Having PopTarts now and ready for sleep… I can only… dare I say “hope”? Rather painful at the moment. The bike-ride took a toll. I wonder what would have been had I made it to St.A. Oh well… never mind all that shit. Time to wrap the day’s shit up, toss it aside until it becomes “yesterday” and look another day in the face and wait… for the kick to come.
Mon.7.Jul: 4.13 Imagine… and with-out the alarm. I just woke. Had a hot coffee, with sugar and creamer, and have had my smoke… with Dixie. As I stepped out the back door, a drizzle. Light. But A drizzle. And the very first thing that took me was the thought of having to bike through the rain. Not this morning, thankfully. Not this morning… thankfully. But the first thought of the day has been the complete absence of support and help, yet again. – The last thoughts of last night were of anger, again, internalised. How stupid of me to take all the money I made in December, ALL of it, and hand it over to make sure that there was money enough in the house to get the pellets to heat this place… and not this room. To hand over all that money so that THEY could be kept warm, as I sat in this room, fingers numb from the cold, laying in bed, fully dressed, all night. How stupid of me. And how evil of them, of B. really, to have had the balls to say to me “We’d like you to take 50$ of what you make, to buy something for yourself.” 50$!? I NEED a car! I needed a car back then, as I still do today! And the fact that I should have been able to take care of SOME of what is keeping me from having a plastic card to shop with, to use for clothing or FOOD and such. But no, I didn’t do that. I GAVE ALL the money, and then went into the little bit of savings I had to add to it… to give to them. And here I am… once again, on the shit end of the deal, having biked those 250 miles, and not once was there even a mention of a remote offer of ANY assistance. And today, I am in pain, and today, I’ve put money into the bike… the bike that will never get used when I stop, the bike that sat in the barn for YEARS. I went to sleep last night, angry… with myself. – This morning I thought of how I don’t express my feelings, emotional or physical. I don’t tell of my pains, save here. I “hint” at them, but never “tell”. I don’t whine… not that it actually is whining. Others have no trouble telling me of their pains and such. Others have no trouble telling me of their trials and tribulations. Others have no trouble telling me of all their complaints. And when they do so, it’s not considered “whining”. Even as Viv said: there’s no open discussion of matters… when it comes to me and my feelings. No, there isn’t. Because when I DO speak, it’s dismissed, either at the moment or shortly along after. And if I speak a bit longer or expound, it’s considered “whining”, and met with Fran’s response: “You’ve been through worse.” And THEN dismissed. Dismissed. – Others, so it appears, merely state “I’m having a bit of trouble here.” or “I could use…” or “Things are difficult…” and there’s an out-pouring of support and sympathy, compassion, of help, aid, assistance. Me? I make the same statements and… nothing. Not even the sounds of crickets in the silence… just silence… and darkness… no light, no chance, not even a glimmer of hope to any support or help. I do all that I can, and more often, I do more than I can, more than I should, I push and shove myself farther than is even beyond my own comfort, beyond that point where my pushing causes me physical pain. I push. And nothing. Granted… it’s taken for granted. And if I dare to stop? If it hurts to the point where there’s no physical ability to continue, short of bleeding or vomiting? Anger! I’m confronted by and with anger, and the accusations that I’m “lazy” or that I have a “bad attitude” or… that I’m the one who’s angry. – I’m not the type who complains. My life has been wiped clean and clear, behind my back, in front of my open eyes, at a time when I was completely helpless. And I’m supposed to be, expected to be nonchalant about it all. Just to let it go and move on, move forward, “forgive”. Wiped out to nothing and forgive. “I’m sorry you’re so bitter.” BITTER? You’re fucking right I’m bitter. But, not so much toward those who took, as much as I am toward myself, for being so stupid as to allow… to enable… to let others TAKE and STEAL as I sat, helpless and silent, at first, in disbelief that people are capable of being so miserably cruel, and then, silent and in pain over the loss… saying nothing because… I don’t complain… I don’t “discuss”… there’s nothing to “discuss” at that point, it’s been done and will not and cannot be un-done. I don’t whine. I don’t whine because if I speak, it’s met with resentment, and although I don’t tell others how *I* feel, others have no trouble telling me how disgusted they are having to hear me bitch. – It’s been like this for all of my life-time and I’ve grown so tired of it. It’s very much like Viv, being told she’s fat and ugly, over and over by a miserable husband. Like Cyndi, being told she’s lucky tony married her because nobody else would have her. For them, it’s considered “abuse” and “battering”. But when even THEY say such negative, horrid, nasty things to me? It’s their entitlement to say so and *I* am in the wrong. – People… multiple standards… and all the while I wonder why I keep going from moment to moment… why I stay, remain here, on this glop of mass called “Earth”… existing to be here for the next time I’ll be accosted, abused, battered, kicked down. – There was never any “help” in the beginning, there’s never been any “help” along the way… there isn’t any “help” at present and there never will be any… even after I’m dead, I expect… nothing. And… even in death, I won’t be disappointed. – Nice thoughts to begin a new day. Same shit, same day, same place… nothing changes. I suppose I should be content in that much anyway. I suppose I should be… I’m not. – Meanwhile, WOW! Does this place stink of ferret shit! The hall outside the door to this room is heavy with it. That, and the flatulence. Thankfully (the little things) the windows are open and the fan is on. Clearer air coming in and forcing at least the slightest bit of nasty air back out. – Ah… a new morning… a new day… and soon? The abuse of the town’s-folk… it’s a work-day at the office. Bull-shit! – 6.18 I’m not ready to face the shit of this day! I’m just not ready for it! And I’ve actually occupied ALL of the time awake this morning! Rain is due. Orages due during the day… into and through tomorrow. I’ve even tried to figure a way to get the phone paid… after work! Imagine that! But I’ve posted some more of my “personal vitriol” to Twtr and Tmblr and fessebook this morning. Je m’en câlisse! – Well? Time to douche and dress and depart. I want t puke. – 1740 And another day of abuse is done. Got in to the office at 6.45 and the mail was THERE! TONNES of it!!! So I got right to work. Gena arrived at 7.30 to TUBS of flats!!! i still don’t know how, but we got it together by 10.00! Even the boxes were done! And today, along with the “Why won’t you give me my mail!.” I had to deal with the Fone-bitch and her nasty little attitude. But I dismissed her. AND… box rent payments, a new box opened, last minute money order… oh… the lot. THEN, as I thought all was well? HAH! The scanner report… NOT! It took me until almost 17.15 to get that done! BUT… It’s DONE! And so am I. – But lunch… “lunch”: 3 p-butter/creme cheese on rolls, ice cream samiches. Not bad… calorie-wise. Still, I was rather thinking of trying to make it to St.A. after? HAH. No! It drizzled most of the day and cleared this evening, but as I type… clouds return. I have to check the forecast for Wednesday… I won’t even think about tomorrow. Maybe on Wednesday, I can bike into St.A. and jitney back. We shall see how the weather (and me) goes. – Meanwhile, Jester had an MRI this evening. He and her ladyship took the Saab… lah-dee-bloody-fucking-dah. B. tooted the horn as he passed the PO at about 15.30 and I was “tapping” the box. But when I got into the house, all was quiet. And the ladies returned at about 17.30. – (17.46… RAIN RAIN RAIN!!! WOW! Good thing I DIDN’T try for today!) – Oh, and I had a little chat with Gena this evening and in that chat made it clear that I stay clear of the house as much as possible and that I don’t eat here. Good stuff for “Village Schmooze” I suppose. – Anyway, the day is done… so too, am I. A bit of browsing and soon time to retire. I’m having some Twizzlers, aspirin and then… GOODBYE YELLOW BRICK ROAD! This day is shit-the-sheets. – 19.32 Maybe it was too much coffee during the day… or that I feel like I need a shower before collapsing. But it’s time… to get under the blankies and check out of this day. The browsing was… and still no word from Viv. I sent a message, via Skype, to her and to Gaetan. (I’ll eat shit for that, I’m sure.) – Meanwhile… the house has been quiet… now that I’m going to try for sleep, that’ll change, no doubt. But… I’ll try. Another day at the Asylum tomorrow… it’s raining again now. Let it rain itself out… before Wednesday! – Additional note here: At about 20.00 or so, B. came to the room to see if I was here. I was about to go to bed when the knock came. (I found out later that nobody knew if I was “in” or “out”. They asked. Jester told me as we chatted in the kitchen. He went for his CAT scan today. The rods in his back are “broken” and he’ll be needed surgery… poor guy!) B., so it goes, came in from work and got busy on the grounds, taking the wood from the front lawn and doing some weed-wacking. I wonder what got into him. Probably that I didn’t do it… Not that I haven’t been thinking about it, but I just haven’t had the time… I mean, there are things that I have to get done for me and, there being no offers of a lift, I attend to those things I need to do. Well, that much got done… and I didn’t do them. As for Jester, the way he describes his medical attention, it looks as if this place, the country or the state, is turning into the “Canadian” system… the waiting periods and the referrals and such. He has to wait another 2-3 weeks before he sees the next doctor, meanwhile, the rods are broken and the corrections need to be made, he’s in pain but… they just don’t give a shit. Welcome to the USA today. Fuktards.
Tue.8.Jul: 4.17 Thankfully, I woke, on my own this morning because yesterday, I’d put the alarm off and forgot to put it back on! Imagine that! – Just up from a smoke and there are stars in the sky this morning. And it’s quite warm… again. Probably a great day to try for St.A. after work… but I’ll be damned… not today. I’m well tired. – Speaking of which… first thing of this day: Puttin Up A Resistance and Natty Dread. I was SO much happier back in the days when I had Rastafari in my life. I wonder… indeed, I wonder. – Well…. – I’m rather tired this morning. It was difficult falling asleep last night. No shower. Not comfortable. Hopefully today will be a better, quieter day. But I doubt it. Still, I’m rather proud of the work that got done yesterday. Shit! ALL of “my” mail got delivered AND box rents came and posted and a new box got rented! REVENUE! AND ALL of my reports got done. So? I’m just going to have to avoid any sort of “contact” during the week. Time to treat that office as if it were another assignment and leave well-enough… ALONE! – 21.29 TIME FOR SLEEP and TIME FOR THE THUNDER! Thankfully… And after a mostly wonderful day!!! I got to the office at about 7.00 and the mail was there, waiting. Quite light too! YAY! I’d gotten the trays of letters almost done by the time Gena got in and she did the flats and, well, by 10.00 she was out the door and the boxes were done and things settled! AMAZING! And I got short-cuts to the progs. I need to use most, actually got SO much of the reporting shit done with this morning. It was quite amazing, all told. Lunch? A quick stop to the market, TWO “Iggy”s, some peanut-butter on 2 rolls and a cottage cheese. HEY HEY! Calories! (And I just finished off 6 jelly donuts which will probably kick me in the morning… if not before but… ) After I ate, I actually dozed, head on the desk, twice, for about 15 minutes each. And then, opened at 14.00 for the rest of the day. By 16.00 I WAS DONE!!! Everything except the CPMS… and the fucking computer froze! So? I waited until 16.28 and when it didn’t come back, I shut it off… and left. FUCK that shit of staying until reports are done. The rest of the day was finished… NO MORE staying late… at least until I find out if I’m going to be paid for the mileage to E.Fairfield AND for the extra time over the week-end. If not? FUCK ALL THE SHIT! And, I happened to learn that E.Fairfield, Highgate Springs and Sheldon Springs are looking for a PMR!!! So… should Fuklin be a fuck… – As for that part, Linda was up to her usual nastiness today, being rude, being the bitch. And this afternoon, Jreeen (I won’t put the name on) rang… said he just wanted to “touch base” with Alne. I wonder… When, this evening, I mentioned it to L. as he and I sat on the front porch together, he told me that Linda had better watch her step because there are things about her “pedigree” that she wouldn’t want the rest of Franklin to know and he’d be more than happy to tell. He’s quite supportive in that respect… of me. But me? I don’t want to be bothered with the politics in this town… still though… it is rather “cute”. (21.38 and it’s POURING! I have to unplug and get off the WiFi.) –
Wed.9.Jul: 5.25 THE NORTH COUNTRY NEWS…
The sky’s moving swiftly this morning, in the Southern winds. 3 layers of shades of grey with openings to remind us that there’s a sky of blue up there… some-where. Clouds passing over-head at a visible velocity, headed out to the coast. And the temperature is just warm enough to be comfortable and just cool enough to make a light sweat-shirt feel like a good friend. Last night, Nature let loose with an all-time party that included the rumblings of the bass, a few drum solos and a light show that rivalled the best of rock opera stage shows as the cymbals hissed long and steady through the moments of flash and darkness. It POURED with rain, ROARED with thunder and SPARKED with brilliant flashes of lightning. The entire mood crackled… as did the air itself. And this morning? As if to hide the illicit party of the night before, this day begins on a calm and soothing note of calm silence, save the rustle of the wind through the leaves of the trees. It’s the kind of day where one stands still, looking toward the horizon and you know the planet we’re all standing on is spinning about, because the sky above is in constant motion over-head. But the temperature is soothing, the air is satin sheets across exposed skin, and you just want to close your eyes, turn your face up-ward and let it all wash over and across the cheeks and eye-lids, taking away the reminders of the heat and humidity of yesterday, and the thoughts of more to come once the sun sets itself higher in the sky as the moments pass into hours, and another Summer day settles in. –
and my stomach is more than ready to get rid of the 6 jelly donuts I put in there before going to sleep last night. B. just left for work and me? I have a little bit of laundry ready to go… and me? I’m ready to “go” too! – 5.50 Gone. And there’s a bit of a wash to be done and a lot of Earth to cover. The alarm sounded at 4.30. I turned it off and dozed until 5.00… dozed! I could do that this morning. And now, as I type, the sun is breaking over the horizon, and the room is filing with a gold-yellow light. I should get to the laundry… I want to snooze a bit first. There’s a full-travel day coming… and I’m expecting nothing in the way of mail, so I needn’t go near that office today… and I shalln’t. No, I shalln’t. Let’s keep the day as merry as possible. I did excellent work… let’s leave it at that. – 19.08 SHOWERED at last! I made it! Made it into St. Albans… 2,5 hours on the road! Head-winds all the way… sun-shine and clear skies until I got there. There, it was over-cast, threatening. But what a delight to just get on the bike and go, taking my sweet-arse time. I was out of here by about 10.00 and made the, well, I stopped at the PO and talked with Aline… and this morning? I’m ever so glad that I did! She’s paying me ALL the hours I worked! She knew already how hectic Saturday was. And the compliments were wonderful! (And she looks much rested and much better with a bit of a tan, I must say.) And when we talked about not handing mail over the counter, she said “Feel free to post it where-ever you want to.” Imagine that! I wonder what’s going on. I wonder. (She said something that I have to look in to though: You have the PSE for 2 years and you’re done. I wonder what that means… I have to look it up.) Anyway, by about 10.30 I was out and on the road, listening to old reggae music, beginning with “Jah Jah is the light, the burning light that we need now…” It was a delight. And the bike rides ever so nicely. (I gave it a dose of WD40 before leaving the house this morning.) OH, and I washed the little bit of stuff that I had too, before leaving! CLEAN ME! (Though I didn’t shower this morning.) – At the CU, “Becky” saw me coming and left the counter, Marlene helped me. Imagine… but that’s OK. I don’t much want to deal with “Becky” anyway. Marlene was her usual wonderful self and in moments, I was out and across the street to… PAY THE PHONE!!! AT LAST! Then, a quick stop at Hannaford’s for… 10 Ramen noodles, 2 coffees, pack of franks, pepper turkey cold cuts (which I ate as I pedalled back along the Bushey Rd.), and a sport drink. That’s it. Nothing much. I was going to stop and have pizza or chicken or something, but the skies were heavy and I didn’t want to spend. So… potty stop and out the door and back on the road again. – The trip back was fine. No rain, The sky cleared when I left St.A. and the wind was behind now so that was better. And I didn’t bother to fight the hills… just walked them. – I stopped at the PO again to ask about a couple of things and the phone call fm. the POM was about Aline and another spot. First off, it’s TOO SO FAR away (according to L. it’s at least 90 minutes’ drive but…) and she’s got about 2 years before retiring so she’s going to hold what she’s got (we hope) here. So it was, all said, good that I stopped. AND… an e-mail from Cindy “Saturday was hectic…” she knows! One of my reports didn’t go through. No BIG deal, but just knowing that they know Saturday was hectic was a relief! WOW! – Came back to the house and pulled some daisies from the back yard and put them out front. I hope they “take”. – Chatted a bit with L. about the recent turn of events. He reiterated that he’s more than ready to blow the lid off Linda’s charades. But, for now… it passes. – I came up to the room, had a Ramen and settled on the bed for only moments before… I PASSED OUT TO SLEEP FOR 2 HOURS! DEAD! Knowing that the phone is back and having made the trip, the stress is gone and I just passed out. – Woke a bit ago, went for a smoke with m’Dixie, came up and showered. Still exhausted and ready for sleep. – But it was a wonderful day… just wonderful… over-all. (May it stay so. And may tomorrow be like-wise… I’d like to go to Richford and then Sutton for smokes.) – Still no words from Viv. I wonder… but if she’s got a bug… there’s nothing I can do about it. I helped all I could. I do wish I could have done more but I gave my best with what I had. I can’t do any better.
Thu.10.Jul: 7.36 I woke, with the alarm.. 4.30. Dozed until 5.00 when I woke on my own. Had coffee, waited for B. to leave… had a smoke at about 5.45. L. was in the parlour. I’ve been RE-REtrieving lost music… AGAIN! and watching a bit of “Mondo Cane” on youtube. I posted the link to fessebook and Twtr. People… make me want to vomit. People.. – The weather is delightful and the beard trimmers are charging. Hair-cut this morning. Time to get “me” together. – 7.59 Just up from the 2nd smoke of the morning under a clear sky. I jut watched a clip from the movie “Mondo Cane” (1962). I remember, vividly, having seen the movie and this morning, as I think of all the “help” I’ve ever received, in times of my deepest and most sincere need, this documentary just seems SO fitting! Humanity… Useless. – Odd: As I stood in the silence, looking at the morning sun glistening on the dew on the grass, thinking of things that I should do round the house, things that I’d like to do, wishing I had the energy and the strength to do them… I suddenly wanted to SCREAM! To YELL out loud. I wonder where THAT urge came from… and why. – Must get to cutting the hairs this morning, then a brief “rinse-shower” to get rid of the little hairs and then? HOME for a quick smoke shopping. I wish I had more money… I need some food, soap and other little things. I wish there was a Jean-Coutou in Bedford. Am thinking of how to put Richford into the agenda today as well. Why? Not sure, really. Just that I want to get over there. – 10.39 Hairs cut. Beard trimmed. Looking like… who the fuck cares? Really. It was more for the wind on the bike than the cotillion. – Interesting 
exchange on fessebook this morning. People are self-absorbed. Privileged, really. Just as with the “Newburgh” shit who had everything handed to them when they should have been toiling for it… unlike me, who had to hit the roads and escape… with nothing. Mamale? You’re the fortunate one. At least you didn’t linger to witness the shit. – Meanwhile, I’m having my PopTarts and will be prepping for Bedford… no Richford today I think. Too late in the day and not enough energy… not to mention… pain. Ah… the pain that nobody knows about. Fuckit. Fuckem. Not important. I must do what makes me “comfy” for now. (Eccles-Hill/Pigeon Hill) 16.40 Back from HOME on a day of weather that is so perfect, it can’t be described. Honestly! The clearest air and sky, temperatures that are both warm and comfortable. and almost no humidity! Just a pure delight! Apparently Jester and her ladyship are off on another medical journey today. Indeed, I understand the importance of the matter of the rods in the back, but what I do NOT understand is the comment, a while back about owing money, having taken the car to Maine and now that there are TWO cars, NEVER not even once has there been any offer of a lift for me to anywhere. Not even working, should I be offered the bay or some-where. OK. One gets from what one puts in. And fuck you! But, as always, I was civil and chit-chatty this morning until it got a bit on the later side and I headed out and…. NORTH! – Border crossing was someone new today and the “Official” vehicle! But the passing was quick, easy. SHE, however, refused to raise the gate and told me go simply go around… as if pushing a button would be too much for her. Oh well… Desormais… pas d’ problemme. I was HOME and that’s all that matters to me! And the sky was BLUE! and the air was CLEAR, 
the sun shone and the breeze kept it all from being too uncomfortable. It was amazing, to say the least. – WELL! When I arrived at Metro, I did a count of the cash and indeed… today’s shopping included Peanut-Butter (and Mae West on sale at 2/5$)! The smokes though? 100s… not bad… nto great but not bad. And the lady at the cashe? I said I needed cigarettes (the smokes counter was closed ) and needed to pay in US, thinking I’d have to split the purchase, and she bounced right into English! Hmmm…. insulting and bit. But not really in Bedford because, after all, that’s their primary language. So? So… I got a bit more than the smokes… I have FOOD (as it were). And I was on the road again… When I got back to the ch.St-Armand, I actually began to head East, thinking I’d ride over to Frelighsburg and down into Richford today, but when I realised that there was the HILL (NOT le Pinacle, but that HILL!!!) I turned right back. NOT today! I was really getting tired and in a bit of pain by this point and I just COULDN’T make it up that HILL! I got as far as the sign for “St-Armand/Pigeon Hill” (that I remembered from last year) and turned round. Hey, no big deal. I can take a quick trot into Richford tomorrow. it’s not as if I MUST be in the house on my day off from the PO! … I MUST be away from the house, as a matter of fact… for my own sanity’s sake.) – At the Morse’s Line/Dutch, the usual stop to get out the passport and today, to take a photo of the way the wild flowers are growing round the “Save Our Border’ sign. I just was so intrigued by how they grew and looked as though purposely planted about the sign. (Ah… Québec… where even the wild flowers grow so neatly and orderly… eh Silas?) Had a smoke (I was in NO rush to get back to the house!) and took off to the border where, passing les Douanes… Mme. was there, and of course, wouldn’t push the button to open the gate… BUT I was behind 2 old fogies from VT who OBVIOUSLY had NO idea or clue what the fuck they were doing and sat, for the longest while, at the gate! They just weren’t close enough for it to registre that they were there! Fucktards! (I’m growing to despise Vermonters more and more as time passes. When I saw the “Green Plates” in Québec today, I resented them! Retards. The lot!) ANYWAY, Mme. lesDounanes had to call out to them! Ah… and then they got the US side? Same shit. Stop the car, do the questions, and as the pulled away? I swear… they were lost! Not that there’s any way or where to get “lost’. But they were probably lost inside the car! So I waited for the moment. Now… I wish I could recall the guy’s name because he made today a pleasure… all round. Since there was nobody behind me, I had the opportunity to ask if I could bring slate across and he said that, to his knowledge, he saw no problem so long as it had no soil on it… (it’s all about the soil… how weird, eh? But that’s the rules, and that’s fine… I’ll have to try to bring a piece next trip, and see…. and then… THEN I asked what I’ve been aching to ask for, well, since my first trip across… CAN I TAKE A PHOTO OF THE SIGN!? AND… YES!!!!! So long as it was ONLY the sign and of course it was! I GOT IT!!! YAY YAY HOORAY! (Including it here but I don’t know about putting it anywhere else because it might get somebody in trouble that I got the shot… or… I’ll have to “re-make” it.. still, for some reason, today I look at it not so much as an insult as… well… peculiar and particular to ‘Vermont and that crossing’… I wouldn’t want it changed… any more.) But, I got the photo. I mentioned a bit “I TRY not to cause trouble when I cross. It doesn’t always work, but I try.” and the guy smiled and I went down to take the photo. And I didn’t have to pass through again… it was strange, using the road and not going up the hill this trip. As I rode off, I saluted, and was on the road and to the house. – Arrived at about 16.30, stopped at the store for ice cream and, just as I came out of the store, the ladies returned from their little jaunt… with some groceries. Of course, because I had ice cream in the back-pack! But I stayed an chatted a bit with L. on the front stoop, helped un-twist the flags (oh, the flags) and came in… to eat my ice cream. (Followed by 2 franks, heated in Ramen, eaten on rolls. I was hungry!) – Well, the evening passed and I didn’t get to shower tonight. ICK! But the hour got later. I checked the distance from the Morses Line rd. to Richford, via Freilighsburg… just over 2 hours… and that’s not crossing le Pinacle! Good thing I didn’t bother today. I just didn’t have the stamina for all that riding today. – Well, it was a delightful day, all told. And I’m OK with not showering because… it was a DELIGHTFUL DAY! Hopefully tomorrow will be the same. – (Got to get to sleep at about 23.30 tonight… LATE!) – Still no words from Viv yet. I can’t help but wonder. Well? She got the dishes washed and quite a bit packed… including the 24 boxes or so. I served my purpose… again.
Fri.11.Jul: 4.58 and I don’t know that this is a good idea… being awake here. I didn’t get to sleep until round about 23.30 or so. BUT… it’s actually CHILLY this morning! And I do mean CHILLY! HEY! I see it’s only…. 11°! WOAH! JULY? 11°? I need to put the sheets on the bed now so that I can use the sleeping bag as a comforter again.
|
Sat.12.Jul: 5.39 Cold this morning. Sweats on, hood up as I type. And head-ache too. I woke, crunched under the “table cloth”. That cold this morning. – Up from a smoke. Quite cold this morning. – And it’s going on several weeks and no word from Viv. Oh well. – 
And the shift key on this piece of shit lap-top is fucking about again. Oh… just… oh. – Timing this morning too. At least I think they’ll be waking as I walk in the door of the PO. I hope anyway. – 12.51 Work: done. Drawer Count: done (OVER!) Hoovering: Done. Shove something down throat and call it “lunch”: Done (2 franks no bread) Change clothes: Done. Rinse and re-fill water bottles: Done. Wash utensils, etc.: Done. Done. Done. Done. Empty house… indeed. Expecting to be asked to help with un-loading the truck?? OH YEAH FOR SURE! Fed-up with this bull-shit? OH MY FUCKING GOD TO BE CERTAINLY SURE BEYOND ALL CERTAINTIES YES! – And now? To relax a bit and perhaps nap… until… FUCK ME! – 15.08 INCREDIBLE? PERHAPS… I DIDN’T KNOW BUT AMAZON POSTED A ROYALTY ON 30 JUNE!!! THEN I FIND THAT, NOT ONLY WAS MY MILEAGE APPROVED… IT WAS PAID… YESTERDAY!!! IN FULL!!! NO TAX!!!! THIS HAS BEEN ONE FUCKING GREAT FIND!!! I’m rather trapped in the room at the moment. At 14.30 I woke from my “nap” and started out to the store to get something to eat but when I got to the bottom of the steps… the U-Haul was backed to the back porch! I stopped and came right back up the stairs… IMMEDIATELY! I won’t put me in a place where I’ll be asked to “help”… since I don’t intend to “help”… fuck that shit! So, I came back up to the room, transferred the Drawer Count info to my own spread sheet (over 8! Yay!) and then had to put the hours worked onto that spread sheet (I’m not certain what hours I’ll be paid, but I ball-parked). That went into checking to see what my account balance is at the CU and there! When I tried to balance MY spread sheet with theirs… there was the Amazon difference AND the mileage! IF all goes along fairly well… this week coming, I’ll be on the way to getting a CAR! PLEASE! Since I’m getting no fucking fuck-all help from anybody with this… I won’t have the grand I’d like to have, but I’ll have SOMETHING toward something that MIGHT run be about a while. So! Hey! AND… on time to re-new my license too (which comes due at the end of THIS MONTH fuck me very much indeed thanks… a VT license… PUKE!) – Anyway… someplace in the house, some kind of banging music is playing. Somebody probably put the radio/TV on to keep the bloody dogs from howling. Ahahah… (15.18) B. is out in the truck, bring Jester’s shit in… L. is in the parlour (air conditioned). And here we go… I want a smoke! And I’ve put up with enough of this shit. (Especially since… the fessebook posting of the RING!) Let’s see where this all goes now… I expect another “Table Meeting”… soon. – 15.46 And I’ve had to listen to steady howling… Oh how I’d love to take a mallet to their heads. – 17.54 and they’re back, the porch is loaded. And when I went to get food next door, they were just pulling out from round the side of the store as I walked in the door. Oh well… fuckkitall. I got what I needed and… BROKE THE BLOODY UPPER RIGHT MOLAR! Not the tooth… the BONE holding it in! So? In a couple of days… another tooth… goes. – Right now I’m SO ready for sleep! But must to keep awake for a while, or I’ll wake in the middle of the night. – Tough chore… staying awake.. but… – 24.28 At 17.30 I had all to do to keep awake… Imagine this! Even after a v-ton! – Earlier I passed the parlour and popped my head in, to be “nice” and made a comment about how quiet the move of Jester’s things went… Dead silence. Yep… they’re angry. I think B. did it all alone. Oh well.. tough shit. Meanwhile, it’s supposed to rain tomorrow. I hope it does. And I have to get some sleep. But this tooth and the broken jaw bone business is bugging me. Soon… another tooth to pull.
Sun.13.Jul: 7..30 And in spite of waking with the alarm… I went back to sleep and just woke. The wind is blowing, up from the South, warm. The skies are covered. It feels like “orage” this morning. Before I got out of bed, I could hear the “knocking” of blood through arteries. My ears are hissing. My pressure must be up. Anxieties too. For no reason, really. There’s a dread that something is coming. Confrontation. Something. Something will happen to thwart the coming income that will help me get the car. Something. Dread. – And another day begins. – The tooth is back in place this morning. This is good. Well, as good as it’s going to be. At least it’s back so the other teeth aren’t clicking against it. – Weather check. Then to plan the day. No biking. But there’s no place I need to go to today. Thankfully. Storms coming. – And I think: the barn is a mess since the metal was removed, and I suppose it was a matter of expecting me to clean after; I went and packed and helped move boxes for Viv so I did some work there; work… Oh just wait for him… he’ll take care of it… all. And if I don’t? I’m selfish… and I “owe”. I need to be “Homeless” these next couple of weeks… There truly is NOBODY, any-where. Nobody. – But… I think of Jester this morning. From now on, he’s actually stuck here, no place to go to, no way to get out, his belongings are all here (and I have none). He’s still got this “thing” for Bob, and now he’s in the house… with Lyle, and Lyle is aware of the “thing” between his husband and the fellow now residing in the house. (“My very generous friend” indeed.) I need the car. I need to get more work, more income and more and more out. – And so, another day begins. – 13.22 Thank goodness for sleep. I fell back to sleep shortly after posting, which was shortly after typing this morning, and just woke… again. Sleep. The Great Escape. Just up from a smoke. Cooking in the kitchen, pan on the stove. Shepherd’s Pie I suspect. The beef smells terrible. I wonder. Roadkill? Perhaps. It’s raining, as forecast. But it’s warm. A warm rain. I had 2 peanut-butter on rolls before. Something to put into my stomach which is all churning. The anxieties of the day? I don’t know. I don’t much care either. Not today. And I see a day of being in the room, not bothering to dress, waiting until the day closes and I can go back to sleep for the night. I’d like to paint or do something rather “artsy” today. But when it comes to the “doing”… I don’t want to. The place is rather draining… of soul, I should think. – 23.57 Well, about an hour of watching a Utube on Quantum Physics and I tried to get out for a last smoke… and as I opened the door to the room… that stupid shit of a spaniel let out a bark and woke B. Then, I tripped over some other thing or animal in the hall, but not to the point of falling, thankfully. Honestly! Fucked all and ever which way. Can’t smoke in the room. Can’t leave the room to smoke. The next place? No animals and a direct route out… or a place where I can smoke (and have a drink… and cook a meal). May that come soon. – I don’t understand it though. All day I’ve wanted to sleep. But, come the time to do so and I can’t. It’s not necessarily anxieties. Just the way “it” is. And I don’t like it. I have to get back to the “normal” sleep pattern. I want to get back to the 4am waking… or close to it. But now, I’m getting head-ache and my ears are hissing again. And there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m blaming the tooth… for others. And not dwelling on the issue. Just mentioning it. It does no good to talk about it. No good at all. – I keep thinking about all the money I put into the Winter. Making sure there was enough to get pellets for the stove and lying in this room, bitter cold. Not using much electric or water. Not eating the food. Not cooking. Showering an average on once per week. I don’t “take” much from the house. I “give” much in the way of maintaining it. In Winter, clearing the ice and snow. In Summer, maintaining the grounds as well, and helping in any way mentioned. I’m not here most of the waking hours. And even when I am, I’m in the room, out of sight, out of the way. It’s as if I’m not here at all. And it was thus even when the rent was caught up. Ah, catching up on the rent… providing income. Well, I do take comfort in the fact that I’m not a “threat” to the stability of the “marriage” in the house. As L. said: he has moments when he’s ready to throw that all to the wind, but doing so would cost him the house, and more. Still, Jester is here… and is HERE now, with a back porch loaded with all that’s his. (It’s amazing, how many boxes of stuff, and there’s a Rolator, a scooter chair. and many boxes. Looking at it makes me feel better, in a way. “Me” is in about 7 boxes and a few bits of luggage… in the closet. Packed and out of the way. There truly is “nothing” to “me” any more.) – Anyway, the hour has gone into tomorrow already. I should try for sleep. A quick check of tomorrow’s weather and try for a nap. – Oh, this evening, for the previous smoke, I stood on the back step and looked at the sky. MAGNIFICENT! The clouds were so many shades of grey against an almost “night” sky. One start in the opening of the clouds and 2 bats fluttering about. This time, the moon is clear, the sky is full of stars. The forecast is for rain for the next few days, but the air is clean and clear again from the day’s rain and it makes all the difference in the world. But the air is warm… almost hot. Hopefully this isn’t what the week to come will bring. – This week I’m hoping that the trip to the CU will be worth the effort and will make for a nice sum on a car. It would be a delight… (and so I won’t count on it). I need the car… NOW! Nobody will help me with this. So… it will be slow. But once the car comes, more hours to work and more income. Mobility again. If not… before the cold weather comes… HOME… for the last time.
Mon.14.Jul: Bastille. – 8.09 WOW! Did I ever over-sleep this morning. And… Jester and the ladyship are out of the house already. That should be interesting, considering L. was still very much awake at mid-night last and i doing the driving. Imagine this:
•B. had to drive the rented truck from here to BTV… pack the truck… drive back… un-load and then return the truck.
•There have been several (if not “many”) trips to doctors, local and BTV that they’ve driven back and forth to.
•This morning, L. had to drive again, on quite little sleep, to another appointment and back.
•I ask for nothing, I get nothing (not even heat in Winter)… and not even a lift part of the way for my errands.
I need to address this situation with my-self. – Meanwhile,
I have the house, alone. And I’m too tired to do anything about it. But the morning is hot and humid already and I do believe that I’ll do some yard-work during the day. I believe. I’ve no errands until Friday (when I HOPE I’ll have a considerable amount toward a car). – 18.57 SHOWERED! Flower beds are neat and tidy… AND… the front lawn is MOWED! – I am sitting to 2 rolls with peanut-butter and a mug of Ramen noodles… to be followed by orange donuts and perhaps even a v-ton! Fuck the world ok ok. – 23.26 Got caught in more science (deep sea) tube-vids again. had a couple of comments on the fessebook. have made enemies there again. As usual, oh well. Liberals are making me ill. I have to stop reading their drivel. – Ah… what a night. Apparently B. is angry with L. for not bringing Jester to his 15.00 MD appointment. He (B.) rang L. as usual, en route from work and L. rang-off on him. When he got to the house, they weren’t speaking. Jester came to the yard (as I was 
finishing the work… WORK) to take photos of the garden. Imagine that… more photos of “Look what WE did!” Oh, just bloody fuck the lot of them. But we chatted a bit and I’ve planted the “Now you’re stuck in Fuklin.” thoughts. I SO want to say “in a house where you’re in love with a married man” but… I say nothing… I just “know” this is unhealthy all round. – Anyway, I had my v-ton as I watched videos and now, I’m exhausted beyond sleep again. Just up from last smoke and a slash in the back-yard. That’s a nice part of being here… slashes in the yard. – Other-wise… time for some sleep. Tomorrow’s weather isn’t supposed to be too “nice” for out-doors, but I don’t see the rains coming too soon so there’ll be more to be done… not that there never is. – Oh… of course, when I went to the PO today… another error. I MUST watch those! I’m certain that there are MANY who would LOVE to see me GONE! Oh well.. tough shit. Please, that I find a vehicle before month’s end! Get more work, more income and out of this insanity. – Meanwhile… when I could send money to the siblings, all was well and I was loved. When the money stopped, so too did the “love”. When I was needed to help pack and move Viv, I was loved. The packing and moving is done… so too… the love. I live. I learn. I trust … NOT AT ALL!
Tue.15.Jul: 6.53 And my bowels are all in a twist this morning. Pushing something out. – Laundry is in the washer though. That’s a plus… if anything is. – I turned the alarm off at 5.45 and went back to sleep. Tired. Getting to bed too late of late. This needs to stop. Hopefully tonight I’ll get back into routine. – Meanwhile, the sun is coming up, the morning is getting warmer. And it doesn’t appear to be the start of a rainy day, as the forecast would have us believe. Not rain… humidity. Oh well. – There are some things I feel I need to get done, like finish the front of the house… a bit more on the flower beds, and the bike… I have to work on the derailleur and the brakes. The good thing is: no “errands”. A day with-out needed errands is a good day. – But today, 3 months behind in the rent. Another 1000$ that won’t be coming in too soon. I NEED to fix that! NOW! There are moments when I’m so positive about creating things, like the oars, little signs, the sap buckets… things to start. And then there’s the rest of the time when I’m doubtful. I should just “do it”, put it all out on the internet. But the total absence of any support continues to kick me down… down… down. I need to just get out of that and “do”. I need to. – Well, I woke to another day. BFD. I may as well do with it what I can. – I wish my stomach was in better condition this morning… and I wish my body, in general, wasn’t so damned painful. But, “all” can never be good. -16.07 RAINS!!! And just on time too.
BLACK-EYED SUSANS PLANTED in the front of the house today. I had NO intention of doing anything of the sort, but when, at about noon, I finally got the fuck out of the room and took Dixie out to the brook (to fetch some water for the plants in the room)… THERE THEY WERE!!! IN THE BACK! So I got the water from the brook (and saw the fishies there-in), brought Dixie back to the house (because she was actually panting and laying in the grass…. something is very wrong with her and nobody seems to give a shit… except me) and went back out to dig 5 “groupings”, as they were… Then, planted them in front and hope for rain… as I watered them with watering cans from the back-barn, with water from the house. I told Jester and he saw them so I thought the “word” would get to her ladyship… apparently it didn’t… of course not, it wasn’t anything to cause drama. BUT… just as I’d finished watering the flowers in.. the rain came. – (16.13 and SO TIRED!!!) – 19.12 “Napped” for another 2 hours… I just couldn’t keep my eyes open and tried for 20 minutes. I should know better. – Well… another shirt is torn, from wear, over the years. The shirt I wear for biking and working round the house. Worn-through. More clothes are gone… or going rapidly. I think of the clothes that I had in storage. I think of the clothes that I had in the storage before that. I think, today, of the gardening utensils I had… gone… I can’t help but think of them. I could put them to so much use these days. Gone. Clothes, garden tools, my guitar, the music I wrote, the water-colours, the music… gone. Not even so much the furniture… the smaller things… And at my age, they won’t be replaced. Too late for all that. And there’s one thing that I truly do need right now… a vehicle. I could get more work if I had a vehicle. I could get a shirt, grass clippers, I could get the supplies to make more water-colours. I don’t need the music, I have some of it replaced. But… there’s no sense. It’s too late for all that now. Just too late. – I have a feeling I’m PNG again round here. Not being spoken to, really. Avoided. I’ve a clue as to why. But I can’t let that get to me. There’s something I must focus on for now… and when that’s taken care of, the rest will follow. As for all else? It’s just too late, no sense. – Just past 19.00 and I’d like to take a quick shower and go to bed. The rains have passed and the humidity is back. But the flowers seem to have held their own. May they blossom and bloom and give somebody a bit of pleasure. Me? It’s too late for that, no sense in it. But they’ve held up against the down-pour… that’s good.
Wed.16.Jul: 6.22 Garbage is out. I can’t believe that B. left this morning and Jester had to take those barrels out to the street! And they’re PACKED FULL! There are times when I actually feel quite badly for Jester. I mean, it’s known that he’s in pain and that there are terrible things happening with the broken rods in his back. Instead of knocking on the door, waking me (which I’d not appreciate but would understand), to help bring the trash out, to simply leave… When I opened the lid for the one barrel, it was full to the top (as usual) but there are suit-cases, old luggage, probably full of shit. Jester said it was difficult lifting the barrels over the saddle of the barn this morning, and I can imagine it must have been. But they won’t ask me… and so, there’s really nothing I can do or say about it. Honestly… the childish behaviours. It seems B. and L. are still on rather tough terrain, because of the missed MD appointment on Monday. I wonder how long this episode will run. And the rest of the house will be dragged… sucked into it. Oh well. – As for me: I have several little darkest brown “dots” on my legs. Perfectly round, little dots. Collapsed veins? I wonder. I’ve not been feeling altogether well of late, and my legs barely want to lift and hold me up. And this morning, the tooth is painful again. When I had my coffee, it burned. Raw, I would suspect. Next? Infection, no doubt. But, that’s the way of the world. We shall see how it all goes along in the coming days. 59 years next month (and I have to figure how to get my driver’s license re-newed too… fuckitall). – Oh well… the flowers are looking well this morning. The rains came at the perfect time. Hopefully, they’ll enjoy the morning sun in the days to come and will grow and flourish and look lovely. And next year? They’ll become part of a lush row of several other flowers. May I not be here to see that. May I not be here at the turn of my birth anniversary. I need to get a car and a place and… a little peace. – I also need to find things to “do” today. There’s a bit of work on the bike. Brakes. The derailleur. And I fear the axle is in need of repair again… or the front one this time. The other bike is buried under shit in the barn. Honestly… it’s like being in a sleep-away camp for nasty children. The immaturity is almost astounding. But then, I suppose, I’m being judgemental. All things, all people are different. – Hey, I’m in a bit of a dialogue on fessebook about the manure pits. That’s pretty interesting. Some woman commented that she’s been swimming in the brooks and such this year. Oh yuck! So I posted my usual diatribe. I wonder if it will make any difference. Why do I care? Because I’d like to take a dip in the Missisiquoi. I’d like to go back to Richford and splash in the river. It won’t happen in my life-time at this point, but imagine… a little legacy to leave with the nice people… bollocks. – 18.19 Showered. Had 2 Krafts on large rolls for dinner. Lunch was a cottage cheese and some salty bits of pretzels and chips, and a Coke. Imagine, I wasn’t too hungry all day, after one Ramen before bed last night. Oh well. My stomach’s been “off” all day. An emergency trot at one point. And I’d swear it was red. Is “the end” coming near? Oh! How lovely that would be. But I doubt it. – Well, right now, I’m ready to hit the end of this day. I worked on the bike, re-did the rear brakes. And, to be quite honest, that’s all I accomplished. I’ve been dragged and run down all day. Just “out of it”. Weary. And that tooth is still lose and bothering. But… so much for so much and so little. Makes no difference. – Hopefully the total on Friday will make things better. I’m not counting on it. But… – So now for a little “Utube TV” and off to sleep for the night… I hope. There’s nothing pressing on the agenda for tomorrow, but I’d like to get back into the early routine again… and be out of here quite early on Friday morning. – 23.19 Just putting the lights out. Had a little fessebook chat with Fran H. this evening. Wonderful… how strange to feel we’ve met… from the days on Twtr… from the bed in the Shelter. – Tired. Thirsty. A bit hungry… going to sleep… I hope.
Thu.17.Jul:
|
***** You are not one to ask for anything– but if you need it and we have it–it’s yours. *****
I replied with my philosophy on “hope” and despair. I thought, last night, as this morning: if I could get the little bits of support on the crowdfunding, it would change the world. But again… So I mentioned the joke about the fellow who asks god for the lottery. I know it will go… no-where. I pray… sometimes it makes it to a great resource. I ask… and my words and thoughts, even my hopes… go no-where… off into a vast void of silence. – Well, today begins. – Oh, yesterday I gathered some seeds from the white bleeding heart and put them into a little “flat”. It’s on the little stand in the front window, in a plastic bag. It would be a delight if they’d take. And I put the hummingbird feeder on the back fence. There’s one hummie that visits each evening and early morning. I saw it perch on the clothes line last evening. But it doesn’t go to the feeder. I wonder why. Oh well. – Cramps again. Peanut-butter? Probably. – I’ve been “winded” the past 2 days and have wanted to sleep… even yesterday, I sat in the back-barn and wanted SO much to doze. But Jester came to the garden, so I took a reel mower wheel apart… and went on with the day. – Speaking of Jester… it’s 6.29 and there’s supposed to be a cab or some kind of ride here at 7.15 to fetch him for his MD appointment today. A “free” ride. He’s still asleep. I’m not taking responsibility for any of them… I woke and biked to work… in the rains… at 4.00. Nope… not doing a thing about it. – Time to browse and then? I don’t know today. There’s really nothing to “do”. I’d like to “art” and I’d like to write. I’d like to go to sleep and never wake. I’d like to go HOME… and stay. – And it’s chilly this morning… a “Cold Weather Panic” this morning… I MUST get OUT of HERE! – 10.05 and still in the bed, just waking from a nap. It’s delightfully cool in here andI want to SLEEP! FOREVER! I suppose I could. But no… must to find something to “do” and soon and get he fuck out of the house here. – Changed the address on the VTDL this morning and learned… 48$ to renew! As well as.. there’s no DMV in the fucking north, save Newport! And there’s no way I’m going to BIKE over Jay to get there! There’s a “mobile” in St.A…. catch as catch can. Fuck! And the NYSDL doesn’t expire until 2016! I want to murder… indeed, I do. Oh well.. just more fuckaround. – No word from Viv either. I’m at the point now where it becomes another Schmulik… Use and Toss. OK. Write off time again… eh? – 12.34 still on the bed… depression starts to set in… I need to find something to do… some-where to go… some-ho to get there. – 21.36 Showered! YAY! And there are now TWO places at the brook where I can go… to read, listen to music, disappear. If I had the tent I’d gotten in Jericho, I’d be out there tonight. (Should have been, after all the bull-shit on fessebook tonight… Honestly! People… stupid as shit and proud as all Hell to broadcast it… re: Israel and Gaza.) I’m always so glad that Mum taught: look, read, talk, learn… THEN open your mouth. I’m ready to check-out of this shit called “Life”. Hopeless… just hopeless any more. But… there are the places under the trees, by the C. de Groat for refuge. – When I came in from a smoke earlier, Jester and her ladyship were getting stoned in the kitchen. More shit. No smoking in the house… except. People are fucked. I’m in no mood. – Meanwhile, at the PO… my little notice about not handing out mail is all over the place! Aline copied and pasted (as it were) about the place and we had the greatest chat when I went for the mail. I’m glad for that. I DO luv working with her. What a shame… 6 more months and I know I’ll be out. But it’s been fun. – And the pay came to 2 hours more than I’d expected. Of course, the taxes to support the illegals these days ruined much. But there’ll be MORE for the CAR tomorrow! Another 400$ and I’d be quite “good”. And THAT will take the next 6 months. Screwed as usual. – But I’m in the bed now… hungry. I had a tin of soup and 2 rolls at the brook this evening. But I’m hungry. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll get food too. I need a new shirt to wear about. The one I’ve been wearing is worn thin. My “life” is falling apart… little by little I’ll have nothing… NOTHING… again. Time to check the fuck out. Indeed. – So for now? Some laughs for about 30 minutes and to sleep… SLEEP I hope. I want to get a disgustingly early start on the biking tomorrow. I’m not leaving that money in that account.. It’ll disappear!
Fri.18.Jul: 4.53 Chilly morning. Headache from the teeth. Both sides this morning. Guts in a bit of a knot. Ans tired. What I wouldn’t give to be able to sit at table, hot coffee and a smoke. But this headache… it’s got to go. So too, the guts. In a matter of a couple of hours, I’d like to be on the road. Why? I don’t know. It’s the “Pay-day Panic”… get the money OUT of the banque! I wonder how I should dress, considering the temperature. I have nothing to wear. – And another day commences. – 8.23 and the world is warming quickly. Meanwhile, the stench out-side the door to this room: ferrets, flatulence and old, stale sweat is gagging. – It’s been a morning of “discussion” on-line. Often, I ponder how this is the only communication I have during a day. Dull and annoying at best. To see how many people will give Global voice to their own stupidity. It’s exhausting. And speaking of which, I’m hungry this morning. – I checked the balance at the CU and am on the penny! Hooray! Now comes the anxieties of knowing that I’m so close to having a considerable amount to put on a car and yet, not quite enough. And the anxieties of having things I truly “need” and yet, not enough to get them: a shirt, pants, and such. And that I truly “need” to find a place to call “home”. – And the bewilderment of receiving not a syllable from Viv in all this time. By now I suspect her place should be some-what settled and she should be back at work… and no time to even type a message. I am supposing I served my immediate purpose, probably disappointed her in some fashion. But… facts being facts… I did the best I could with what I had… and it’s time to move on, move along, and sadly, to move away. – Bike ride coming. A bit of a “rest” and then… On the roads… again. – 18.30 I am showered. THE BED IS MADE!!! (first time since laundry day) I am having a v-ton as I lounge on the inflated mattress. When I returned this evening (it had to be round 17.00-17.30), both cars were at the house… I sat out back, had a smoke and when I came in… Empty House! I IMMEDIATELY GRABBED THE HOOVER!!! So that too, is done. Then off to the shower, made the bed… and am relaxing a bit before going down for a smoke and then? To bed! I do believe… – I was out of here at about 10.30 or so… stopped at the PO for a schmooze. No rushing about this morning. Toddled away at something after 11.00 and took my sweet-arse time! Good thing too… I’d almost swear I’m running on only one lung these days… it’s almost painful anymore… BUUUUTTTT…. the car-fund? 650!!! Not the greatest. Not even NEARLY enough for a GOOD car. But HEY! AT LONGLAST! Too bad I’m being so selfish about it, but these days I’ve no choice and so? At long last. – So after the CU I dropped into Walmarde… got a Dickie’s shirt for under 20$ and a bottle of glue to fix the flip-flops (I can’t stand the thought of not having them!!! ROCKAWAY!!!! I walked Tilden to the hotel in those.. in the pouring rain!) Then a scurry o’er to Hannaford’s for franks, Ramen (of course), PopTarts (of course), coffee (OF COURSE), and a bottle of stuff to drink on the way back (and 2 Milky Way bars). THEN… KFC!!!YAY ME!!! I got the shirt and glue with-out having to touch the 100 for the coming 2 weeks spending. So I broke a 20 for… FOOD FOOD FOOD!!! A 3-pc meal for about 8$ but it was HOT and mac’n’chees and slaw and it was GOOD! And the 2 Milky Way bars? Set! Good to go! – Oh, and today I took the Morey Rd. NOT BAD! Not too hilly and I avoided much of the cow-shit too. So I’ll take that route again, from now on most likely. – 
There was a stop at the river this evening. By the time I was ready to leave (3 smokes later and a piece of some kind of metal from… I have to look this up, perhaps a steel mill or something) it as past 16.30. I took my time coming back. I took my time for the whole day, as a matter of fact. Fuckit. Y’know? I don’t have the stamina any longer and I don’t give a shit either. – And so, v-ton done, back up from a smoke, and it’s 18.59 and the house is still empty. How delightful. No doubt the 3 ugly step-sisters are at Walmarde and off to buy booze. Maybe they’ll “have a bonfire” (right) tonight. After all, Jester has to go for urine testing every week now and last night he got stoned… tonight, maybe drunk. Oh well… I just need to get the actual fuck out of here. – Tomorrow is work. Maybe Bedford… either tomorrow or Sunday, but one of those days to be certain. We shall see… indeed… we shall see. – For now? A bit of a browse and to bed! A bed with SHEETS and PILLOW CASES tonight! And a SHOWERED ME! – 21.29 Pissed… Shumlin wants to house illegals in Vermont. I’m sick of this fucking state. It’s nothing like it was known to have been… I even thought about that on the road today. Fucktards. – Meanwhile, still nobody back yet. I’ll be they went to Plattsburg. How lovely for them. And when they get back in, I’ll be rudely awakened by the dogs… How considerate… I have to work tomorrow. OK. Time to return favours… the weed in the kitchen last night… this tonight… Yup… I’m ready.
Sat.19.Jul: 6.34 Up with the 4.30 alarm. Out of bed at 5 for smoke and “time check” from Jester. Chilly morning. – They came in about 22.30 and were shockingly quiet. – Tired this morning. But… here we go folks! – 13.12 Got out at 12.30. Drawer count 18-plus over! Adjusted. I don’t understand… another 10 over this week from last. Something is not correct. – As I walked into the back yard, B. and Jester were out with the dogs. I spoke… Jester is speaking, B. is rather remote. Oh well. Yes, they went to Plattsburgh yesterday… to eat and get a lampe for the car. (That’s the story Jerry.) As if… – i am suddenly SO tired! – Humidity is miserable! Tomorrow to Bedford. Not today. – Sue’s leaving… Monday she’s officially in Richford. Wish I was. – 21.19 In bed after a day of… nothing. Work went well enough. The support of Aline with the non-distribution of mail over the counter was an immense help! Sue is gone as of Monday… to Richford! I’m going to miss her terribly, especially working with Gena who is a delightful soul, but on the dry side. Oh well. Just something to get used to again. But as it worked out with the slowness of the computer, I was there until just after noon. But I got the drawer counted and that’s bugging me. Still, nothing to consider for another 6 months. – So I came in, spent the day in the room, on-line for the most part. The skies clouded over. It had better NOT rain tomorrow! Fuck! Took a 25 minute nap and forced myself to wake from it so that I can get to sleep tonight. Haha. – At about 18.00 I’d gone down for a smoke and when I came back in, the 2 were at table, eating. The room went relatively silent… as usual. But then B. asked “Are ya hungry?” I seem to sense a tension when he asks, as if there’s a voice filling the room “YOU WOULDN”T DARE!” and “Why the hell are you asking him that? Share food?” I respectfully say “No… thank you.” and go on about leaving rather quickly. I wonder if they think *I* have an attitude problem. Who knows? But what remains is that chats with either B. or L. seem tight. With Jester, well, it’s relatively the same: he and Ellie are so much alike… flighty. I can’t think about it. – OH! A note for tonight. Seems babybro had an exhibit! He illustrated a book for someone back in 2011! Imagine that! Art. Imagine. I’m quite proud for him. Glad he got his work out there. Hopefully nobody will steal any from HIM. I have to believe that that’s what happened to my storage… “I’m so sorrry…” Stupid bitch. – Anyway, I can’t think about THAT right now either. – Had a TOTAL SNAP this evening. I’m looking for “Turn Out The Lights” from Gen and Karl’s “Retreat” and started listening to … can you believe it? I can’t recall what song it was… the anxiety attack was that bad it must have wiped the song out… Anyway, I suddenly got the urge and notion to take a walk to… Downing Park!!! I mean, seriously, my brain just shat and for a moment, I was looking forward to going to the park… but back in the 70’s! A total snap-slip from reality there! WOW! Burn out and shut down! And now, to think, I can’t recall the tune I was listening to? OK then. Yup. Leaving the building. (Hopefully I’ll just snap and have a coronary. Although I do believe that something’s quite wrong on the inside with the breathing these days. But nobody knows about that and nobody will.) – So now, I’m having a very light v-ton and am ready for sleepie-nigh-night. The intentions are: wake at about 5 tomorrow morning and get to the border rather early. I believe Metro opens at 10.00 so I’d like to be THERE shortly after, before the heat of the day really sets into the earth. Then? Depending on the weather, maybe a day of retreating to the brook. There’s MUCH WORK I NEED to be doing: I’d like to do a re-write of the Bittersweet… something suitable for ALL adult readers and something a bit better. I need to finish the Max manuscript. THAT will be the feather in my cap and my finale. A little something to remember me by… and my way of saying “Thanks”… bitch. – To note today’s intake for the fuckofitall: 2 cold franks on rolls, going for the 6th PopTart and one serving of Ramen. Isn’t that spiffy? (Why don’t I just get on the bike, get on the road, and die already? There’s nothing more to see here… move along.) – Oh, and the car search today: Seems that now that I’m up to 650, the prices are up to 750! The World is a hateful place. – Addendum: Babybro is now in its 49th year. Next… 50! All 4 of us are… “OLD”! now. – 22.54 The room reeked of weed! I wrapped-up and went for a final smoke to find the 3 on the back steps… drinking. I made mention of them having a “bonfire” and B. says “We were just too lazy to get the chairs and set it all up.” Imagine that. THEN… no sooner did I arrive, light my cigarette, Jester says “I thought you was asleep because I didn’t see your light on.” and the little clan all went back into the house. Nothing says “Welcome” like walking into a group of people and they all leave. I SO HAVE to get the fuck out of this house. And, when I was coming up the stairs, there was a little pow-wow in the parlour… B. and L. And I’ve no doubt… over-hearing something along the lines of “having to go”. Well… give me a notice, with the particulars, I can take it to CVOEO and make arrangements. And I’d be more than happy to. The yard work is done and “your” flowers are planted in the front and the town is talking about how nice the place looks (and the town knows who’s done all the work). Should prove interesting… at the very least. – Time for sleep… to sleep the night away… in spite of all the barking that’s taken place tonight. Tomorrow? Even if I have to use the rain suit… ON THE ROAD AND AWAY! PLEASE!!! Let there be NO RAIN! Just cool breezes… light and cooling breezes… AND and EARLY commencement to it all. – It’s not as if I’m sitting here doing nothing. Shit! I bust my back (and side, legs and such).
Sun.20.Jul:
6.28 And I didn’t bother to wake with the 5.00 alarm this morning. But I’m up from the smoke and the anxieties commence for this sunny Sunday morning. Rent. Car. Another place to reside. Anxieties… first thing in the morning. My stomach is cramping. And my body just doesn’t feel like pedalling today. How charming. But I want to be out of here by about 8.00 or so. Beat the heat of the day… or be in it at its peak. Of course. – Jester was in the loo already when I went out for the smoke. And when I came up the stairs, it was coming out of the lo and I said “Morning” and got that blank stare in return. – You know? Too fucking bad that I’m being selfish at this point, doing what I need to do to make things a bit better for me. Too bad that it has to happen now and that it’s not being discussed. Too bad that they have to be involved. Too bad… all round. Just too fucking bad. But it’s time I do what I need to do… and right now, I need to see to getting a car. With that, I can get more work and more income and cover my debts. Nobody’s helping me in any way. Shit! Nobody’s even acknowledging my presence. And when they do? They walk away. Just like it’s always been… As long as I “have”, I’m every body’s best… when I don’t “have”… I’m left alone. Oh well… so be it. – What a lovely way to begin a day. Eh? – Shit… it appears that even Viv is pulling this shit. So? So… FTW… as they say.
I swam the bluest seas.
I’ve been to Paradise…
but I’ve never been to
me.*****8.23
DO HATE LIFE. – 22.12 In bed and SHOWERED! – Last smoke of the day. – As for the day… WELL! It was quite the BEAUTY! By about 10.30 or so, I was out the door, on the bike and up the road to the NORTH! Clear skies, cool morning and a bit of wondering how the border crossing would go, considering my openness on the fessebook of late concerning the illegals and the subtle (?) hints of how I intend to “greet” them. But, getting HOME was a snap. The old guy (I HAVE to get his name one of these days) was to the point and zip, I was HOME! And it was super this morning. And, I have to add, a group of folks on bikes passed, heading South and I do believe they recognised me, probably from seeing me in front of the house in Fuklin! HUGE smiles and hearty “Bonjour”! It felt so good… recognised at HOME. The ride to was quite quick too. (All told today, I walked only one hill and that was coming into town! Pretty damned good. Though I did stop along the way a few times, to catch my breath and give my legs a rest… but only for that.) – Got directly to Metro, in, Mae West, Au Caramel (2 for 6$ today… a little bit of a bargain), bottle of sports drink and 3 packs of smokes… and out the door to Barry for POUTINE at 11.13! (No beverage. And I noticed the incredible taxes on things! 4,96 came to about 6$! I don’t know how they live like that!) It was a delight to sit quietly, the place was almost empty for the most part, and enjoy the poutine, calmly. – Next stop, Korvette. I browsed… I did… I browsed. And found some really nice gel douche with goats’ milk. I got 2 bottles (and am now out of 5s but…) and took a coast over to the river to sit, smoke and relax. I was in NO particular rush to be at the house today. – Well then, back on the road to… the … Anyway, the trip back was OK. Not as easy as the trip up. But it never really is. And the bike’s starting to make noise again. Shit. I think it’s because of all the weight… me and the back-pack full. But there’s nothing I intend to do about it. Wheels alone will cost about 70$ and B. paid the bike only about 80$ (or maybe I think 60$). No, I’m not investing that kind of money in the bike. I want a car! – But I listened to my music and rolled along to the customs where the broad from Arizona was working with a guy from NY. He came out to interrogate. I have to feel for them now. This whole issue with the illegals must be tough on them. Brainwashed into believing that they’re there to “protect” their country and being told to allow illegals in? This has to be causing them some degree of conflict. But the guy was OK and in due course, I was through and back in the USSA. And the day was just getting hotter all the while. – I looked along the Morses Line for those little road-side daisies and learnt that I can pluck them! I have to give it a try… maybe during the day tomorrow… I need quite a few and I need something that will preserve the roots. But I want them for the front of the house… before the season is gone! We shall see. – Back at the farm… I got to the swing out back and for some reason suddenly became SO TIRED! I put the back-pack at one end, laid down and closed my eyes and didn’t wake until an hour later! (I’d arrived at about 14.30… talk about not rushing the day.) When I woke, I was in no rush to get into the house so I had a smoke and Jester came out with the dogs, so I went back in with him. – Well, I don’t know, really, but the atmosphere is rather chilled, as it were. But I noticed 4 squash being prepared for dinner tonight… and, to make that point “done”, no, I was not invited to dine. Not invited? Not attending. And… not giving a shit either. – I came to the room, browsed a bit. Had to all but ruin the new shirt. There’s a “pen” slot on the pocket that I needed to get rid of so that things fit into it… and it was stitched so much into the fabric that I had to sew a small hole closed… already! Good thing this is a shit-shirt. Spent the rest of the evening in the room for the most part. Avoiding… confrontation that I expect will come soon enough… with a “10 day” no doubt. But… when it happens, it will happen. – At about 19.30 I had 2 franks in 1 roll and at about 20.20 I showered. The new soap smells wonderful and it leaves the nicest fragrance on the skin! I want to rush back for MORE! I’d gone up with about 90$ and came back with about 40-plus. So? I CAN get more… as soon as I recover from today’s journey. I truly like this stuff! – Well then, L. went to a concert this evening which left the house… left. I spent most of the the evening in the room… as usual. I don’t know what the other 2 did and I don’t much care. –
But the day went beautifully and the evening wasn’t too bad. I’m happy with it. – Just as I went for my last smoke, I noticed L. was in the shower. I wonder… Jester has a “free ride” to the doctor tomorrow. Ill be in the house with L. in that case. But I’m already thinking: Laundry early in the morning and then, perhaps a day down by the brook to work on a book or art or something. It’s supposed to get brutal hot again this week. The lawn got mowed but there’s some left under the picnic table and swing… Reel mower work. I’ll probably get to that… just because. (B. whined earlier this evening about having to take the weed-wacker to it… Oh my! “Work”! Heaven forbid.) But, I won’t kill me over it. – Not looking forward to the week coming. Just not at all. – This evening I believe I scraped a tick off my head. There’s been something itching at the crown for the past couple of days. I couldn’t see what it was but this evening, I scratched and it felt as though something came off my scalp. Great… Lymes! – Oh well.. that’s that for this day. Now, smelling quite clean and fresh, it’s time to finish the PopTarts (which finished the box… damn it!) and put out the lights… this party’s over… and tomorrow starts the same old shit again.
Mon.21.Jul: 6.23 Woke to the 4.30 alarm and went right back to sleep. So what? – Then, woke moments ago, gathered the little bit of laundry and when I just went to put in into the machine? Filthy water… sitting there. I don’t know what’s in the machine, but I put it on to wash. Imagine? Just leaving something in there, soaking. And only the gods know how long it was in there and why. But, I have nothing to wear (having so little to wear in the first place), so… it’s washing. Puts me behind as far as the chores… my chores… go. But, there are times in life when we must do what we must do. And I’ve done. – Had my coffee, smoke, and will have to have the loo soon enough. I actually have something in there that has to pass through today. – Oh well. – And it’s delightfully cool this morning. Interesting that it’s expected to get so hot during the day. Cool mornings… hot days. The North. – And again today I wonder: what kind of confrontation is to come. Never let there be peace. NEVER! – A bit of lawn mowing to be done. Trimming round the flower beds and such. Not much more. – Jester has another MD appointment today… and another free ride. Ah… a ride. Imagine that! And there’s a “second car” sitting out front… doing nothing. I wonder: would that be where rent would go? Off to the jaunts about the country-side while I pedal about the globe. None of my business. I don’t have it. I don’t have it. And, as I keep thinking, over and over again: Give me a notice… I can take it to pubic assistance… but then… my word against yours, and there’ll be more that will have to be declared… from the past. Oh well. And it’s not as though I do nothing to earn the bed space. I use no more here than I did in the Shelter. But here, well, even here, I work for the little I use. In the Shelter, I cleaned the floors, etc. Here, I maintain the property… their property, not mine. And, when it comes right down to it: the town knows I’m here and working. So… so. – Another day, another set of anxieties. Always… the anxieties. One day, I tell ya, one day. – 21.34 Showered. On the bed. Have been for a while. Otherwise, it was pretty much a nothing sort of day that began at about 10.30 when I went out to mow the bit of lawn under the picnic table and swing. HOT. HUMID! I couldn’t take it. I just couldn’t. So… I went to “hide” in the back-barn for a bit. I was soaked from sweat! Just from mowing that little bit of lawn! I sat, cooled a bit, and then decided to 10z… with P. WTF? Why not? And so, as it turned out, it was what I would call a HF10zP! Apparently, it was necessary because after it, much of the muscle aches I’ve been having the past few days vanished. Stress. That’s about all it is… stress. – WELL! I’m still not sure of what time that all took place, but imagine this: I thought I’d sat on the chair in the back-barn and “dozed” but when I woke and looked at the clock it was 15.30! I must have been “out” for about TWO HOURS! Well, no trouble, that. Again, it must have been “needed”. I got up and SO wanted to go for an ice cream, but as I left the barn, B. arrived and so? That squashed that! Instead, I went along the Groat (here, in the back) and found a couple more spots that might be nice for sitting about during the day. (I’d still like to find a place where I can sit, with the lap-top, and write!) Found one spot where I could sit on a rock, in the middle of the brook, and I watched 2 frogs along the opposite shore. In silence, I watched. It was delightful, in spite of the heat and humidity today. And… I managed to get a few hand-fulls of BLUETS! Yes, they’re coming into season! EATING again! And I’ve resolved to get as many as I can this time. To Hell with the others who think they’ll be munching them down. I’m in a bit of a “battle” mode of late. – (Oh, this morning I stopped at the PO and had a great chat with Aline. All’s well there. We discussed the possible future of the postal svce… and us being eliminated… but that’s in the future… Indeed, they’re working toward it, but not immediately… we hope. Oh imagine this: I was at the PO at 11.30 when she went to “lunch” and THEN mowed… so that explains a bit of how the morning and afternoon slipped away… I mowed a bit later than I’d thought. OK then.) – As for the “battle” mode: I keep thinking of all the work I put into this place and how, still, I’m not invited to eat, not invited to have drinks, no longer invited to participate in their “bonfires” (but that’s because I won’t “work” to maintain them any more so I’m no longer necessary… besides, as was said just this Saturday passed… they didn’t have one because they were too tired to get the chairs… Right… And I though of Jester’s recent comment from B. where B. said that HE won’t be picking up the dog shit in the yard whilst Jester is in hospital… Well… *I’M* certainly *NOT* going to be doing it! They’re not MY dogs… besides… Jester and I area expected to bring the dogs out to shit and pee. More often than not, Jester is the one who feeds… dogs and cats. And even Jester said how it’s resented that THEY sit about and don’t take any more responsibility. Hmpf then. Tough shit for the house-hold.) – Come to find out as well… last night, L. was in the shower at about 22.30… according to Jester, it must have been because of an “accident’ and that’s why the clothes were in the washer soaking this morning (I dried and folded, by the way). Worst of all: seem that when L. has an “accident”, he’ll shit all over the toilet and… AND… LEAVE IT FOR B. TO CLEAN UP! The more I think of it, the more I’m convinced I’m correct: L. saw a way to not be left alone in the house and B. saw a way to get away from the ex-wife AND the State. This is all a matter of “convenience” for both of them… B. also got a house in the deal and as L. says, if there’s a divorce now, he’ll lose half of everything. Sad… so very sad. But… none of my business. – Other than that, the note-worthy is that just a few moments ago, Dixie and I were out back for my last smoke of the day and a small jet flew right over the house heading North-East. There are no airports in that direction, as far as I know. I wonder what that was all about. First time I’ve seen a jet fly directly over the house. (At first, as I saw it coming toward the house I thought it might be a Border Patrol helicopter or… somebody looking for me… tee hee.) – On that note, I’ve showered, as I said… and I’m loving this new gel douche (which was the only term I could think of yesterday at customs when they asked what I’d bought… I went blank, save the term “gel douche” and all I could call it was “showering soap”. Ah… that and the “orages”. Now I see how people can lose a language. Anyway, I feel clean and smell delightful… even during the day! YAY. I’ll have to get up to Korvette and get some more.. .with US$ too bad for me on that. – There’s no cause nor reason to wake at 4.30 tomorrow morning but I’d like to just because. I doubt I will. There’s nothing on an agenda for the week coming and it’s making me sick to think about it. I need something to DO and I need something to do to make money! But as long as heat and humidity keep, I can’t even think! Right now, the fan is on and I’m ready to all but collapse. 21.57 and time to shut this day down.
HOPE leads to DESPAIR.
TRUST leads to DEVASTATION.
Tue.22.Jul:
|
Wed.23.Jul: 6.11 Slept after the alarm this morning and woke about 15 minutes ago… B. is gone. The other 2 will wake at 6.30 and be out by about 7.30 and for a while, an empty house. – Miserable heat and heavy humidity already. And I’m “feeling” last night’s peanut-butter. And… this morning already… anxieties. So I suppose it’s to be a normal day. Hell. – My face still hurts, in spite of 3 aspirin before bed. I took 2 more already this morning. As I say: Hell. – 11.02 WELL! We got a 10zP completed this morning! Yippee! – THEN, we got the room put back in the order it was in when we got here. And I’m a bloody sweaty mess from it! And the sky opened and the rain poured… for mere moments. And as I was washing the mug and some plastics, the other 2 returned. BUT… the place got Hoovered and the furniture oved and OK. I have no complaints in that respect. Other-wise? There are things I want to get at: a basket of sorts to put the orange tree and Xmas cactus out the window and into the rains… and planks of some sort to make getting the bike out easier (although, it’s been presented as making it easier to get the trash barrels out… I’m SO fucking considerate, me). But shit! It’s still hot and humid! Even after the rain… and… I’M SO BLOODY FUCKING HUNGRY! And my face hurts from the teeth. Oh well. Fuck me… and it does. – 17.16 We’re in for a difficult evening… I’m hungry, and having Ramen noodles… cream of Oriental flavour… with creamer. One package of AuCaramel left and some peanut-butter. That’s that. And I’m hungry. But I don’t dare to go out to get food. It’s raining AND the fucking shit-tard dogs are in their “Bark” mode so I move, they bark. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! Next place I move to? NO FUCKING ANIMALS PERIOD! – But I got the little screen-thing for the plants done today. It’s out the window and the orange tree, ivy and Xmas cactus are all in the rains. How charming. Room back where it should be, plants in the rain, me with-out proper food and all’s well with the world. – 22.33 Tired and in pain. My face is “re-adjusting” with the teeth and it’s miserable. I napped too much today too. And… I hungry! – But I have to finish this day with something rather fun: A woman who has corresponded some, though not frequently directly with me, asked to be “Friended” on fessebook tonight… Rzie… from… SUTTON!!! How funny is THAT? AND, she’s Jewish! And when I asked her to say “Hi” to Ira at Home, she said she usually deals with Harry and that she’d say Hi to Ira… and added “small world”. Imagine THAT! Corresponding with somebody in Sutton! I’m just SO… the spread all over the world kind of person. But it tickles me… it it’s own fashion.
Thu.24.Jul: 7.15 I woke an hour ago. Fell back to sleep at the alarm and had some strange dreams, most of which I don’t remember and don’t really care to. – The sun is coming up through some clouds and the barn thermo read just over 40° this morning at smoke. And I have anxiety attacks thinking of spending another Winter in the bitter cold of this house… and not being able to catch up on back rent. Anxieties and panic, first thing in the morning. And I’m hungry but my stomach is shot to shit already. Alas… If I was living in a cabin on a very high ledge, this morning, right after coffee and a smoke, I’d simply walk right off the edge. Indeed, that’s exactly how I feel this morning. – I should cut my hair, trim my beard. IMUST file my nails down! They’re painful at this point. There’s a bit of a wash to be done… not until tomorrow. And I’ll be needed to get to Metro for smokes soon, but I don’t have the energy this morning. – I’m HUNGRY! and only peanut-butter and Ramen. Yes… I wish I lived on that cliff. – 7.45 VIV! SKYPE! MESSAGE! Last evening! Imagine that! – 10.29 and the day is slipping by. But, I managed to get the ivy “potted” into a yoghurt container, which I’m hoping will revive it. And I dusted a bit. Actually took the time to have a nice “loo” break this morning and brush my (what’s left of) teeth. HOT coffee, with creamer too. Imagine that! The room is “tidy” (imagine me, settling for “tidy”… how I’ve gotten “old”). I want to put a “polish” to the NYC Loggers, but I don’t know just yet. Working on it though. And then? OUT OF THIS TRAP! Today I must make certain to EAT SOMETHING. I’m not feeling “well”. I should take a run up to Bedford, but I just don’t have the stamina. I don’t have the stamina for anything, to be quite honest. But there are things I should do and I shall. Fuck me. OK? OK then. – 17.03 Showered. The others are eating dinner. I’ve been researching yellow-jacket. I made a “ramp” for the trash barrels (and chintzy one but fuckit). Then got another bunch of Black-eyed Susans for the front, several for the back flower-bed and some for round the tyre… and that’s when the “fun” began: STUNG! There’s a nest of yelllow-jackets under the tyre! I was just finishing putting in the last of the black-eyed Susans when I felt the sting on my right arm. I thought it was a horse fly and when I looked at the tyre, they were swarming at the base! So, I threw some fertiliser over the opening. That didn’t stop them. A bit of soil. They just dug through it. I found some insecticide in the barn, and old bag. Tossed some of that round the tyre and watered the flowers in well. The stinger is still in the arm and it pinches a bit. I wonder if I’ll have an allergic reaction. If so? So what? I won’t say a word… just go to bed and wait it out. I don’t give a fuck any longer. – 19.31 Just up from a smoke. Ran into L. in the kitchen, digging into a large container of ice cream. He knows about the yellow-jackets and me getting stung… and I note: Not a word about the sting. So… no concern? OK. Fine then. I wish them luck finding somebody else who’ll take as much interest in THEIR property. I’m about to toss in the towel and take the savings for the car and look for a place to move to. Perhaps I’ll just go to CVOEO on Monday and see what can be done. This is enough. Truly… enough. – Sent a message to Viv on Skype. She was on at about 19.30 last night. I wonder if she’ll find a moment tonight. Right now, I just want to go to sleep. I had a tin of cold chicken-noodle soup with a roll in it for dinner, and 2 PopTarts. I’m “fed” for the day. I’m showered. Tomorrow’s weather is supposed to be “iffy”. I’m tossing the notion of an early trip to Bedford, if for no other reason that to get the fuck out of this house and away. I keep thinking of having spent the Winter in this room with-out heat, and all these months (a year) with-out cooking, no place to put-up food. It’s costing them nothing to have me here. I’ve put more into this place than I’ve taken or used of it. They don’t say anything nasty (to my face or with-in ear-shot) but the general attitude… Well, we shall see… And isn’t it interesting that they don’t use the “fire-pit” when THEY have to build and maintain the fire? Isn’t it interesting? Bull-shit! The whole ordeal. If I were to suggest building a fire, they’d be all out there on their arses. Well? I’m not about to do such a stupid thing. Yes, I’m being selfish for the first time in my life-time. I’m sorry they have to “suffer” the brunt of it. But, their reactions and response is a “tell-all” and I don’t regret any of it. I need the car and I need out of here and I need it all NOW! And if this is what I have to do to get it? Then this is what I’ll do. (I wonder if Jester also told them of my efforts toward getting them the money I owe and that I can’t really go for help because it would affect L’s income. I wonder… And if he DID tell them… isn’t it charming that they express their gratitude? Fucktards… the lot. More incentive for me to do what I must… for me.) – Note: I wonder… Daisy like Black-eyed Susans and I wanted so much to get them for the house. This Summer, the back yard wasn’t mowed and there they were. I wonder. – I want to go to sleep… I will. Very soon. Hopefully I’ll wake early enough, put more insecticide round the tyre and it would be nice to be early enough to get a little wash done and then? NORTH! Yes, that’s a lovely idea for the day. Lovely, indeed. Meanwhile, I’ll wait to see if there’s a reply from Viv. If not by 20.00… seepie-nigh-night. – 22.56 WELL!!! OK then. – It was just about 20.00 when… VIV came on the Skype! And… I got “the news”. Let’s just say… troubles, troubles, and more troubles. Apparently she’s not as happy about the living situation as was expected. There are attitude conflicts (yes, I’ll call it that) now that she’s there. The painting and such took much longer than expected and promised. And as she tells, she took her 2 weeks of vacation time, expecting to settle in and she still has boxes and such all over the place. G&D are annoying her and she says they don’t actually speak and they “sneak” in and out (I’m guessing to avoid confrontation). She goes to work to relax. Ah… as soon as she noticed I was on-line, the diatribe began, and continued… on and on and on and all the while I just browsed fessebook and let her go at it. It’s what I do. And all the while I couldn’t help but think: Be very careful what you reply with and how. And: as usual, if I were to tell about here, it would be whining and a situation that I have to change. But when it comes AT me, it’s all quite legitimate. I expressed my understanding and empathy and touched on the similarities between her “landlords” and mine. Indeed, all the while all I could think of was that it’s rather similar. And it only serves to support my own philosophy: Generally speaking, Gay men are imbalanced and immature and never quite happy unless there’s some sort of melo-drama taking place. But… I didn’t get into it. And when she finally asked how I’m doing, all I could say is my usual “no complaints”. Seriously? Why ask? Nobody wants to know anyway. But it was good to communicate with her. And I still say: I could have gone up there and done the cleaning and painting and probably much of the re-construction and could have had it done in mere days. It’s done. I’m not giving it another thought. And it will be interesting to see when she gets in touch again. As much as I find her “typical” when it comes to sharing a bit of sympathy or empathy, I still hold her in highest esteem and I hope we don’t lose the connection again. – Well, that done, I skipped through a bit of fessebook. Got another “friend” thing from another woman who is one year older than I… Most of the correspondences tonight were with Charles Bivona and others… mostly on the topic of the situation in Israel these days and the out-breaks of violence against Jews. It’s even hitting Montréal quite hard this time. But then, with all the Arabs there now, it’s no wonder. And the general attitude of the Canadians about the US and how wonderful the president here is… Honestly. They’re a clueless bunch. Quite naive. But that’s what makes them “Canada”. –
Before I forget, I’ll be including another “Bitch-slap” image on this Journal. Earlier today I noticed that there were 2 green peppers and a few cucumbers ready to be picked in the garden out back. But I didn’t bother to touch nor to speak on them. Well!!!!! Tonight, B. posts a photo with the inclusion of L. and Jester and comments about the vegetable from “their” garden. How lovely… and charming.. and no thanks nor mention of HOW they got the fucking garden nor WHO re-claimed it. Yep… another Bitch-slap photo on the SocMed. Fuck them! Fuck me! FUuuck THEM! – (23.11 and a pick-up truck just pulled up in front of Dick Wright Ford. The radio is on so loud that I can hear the base in the room. Annoying shit, that. But, considering what transpired here earlier tonight, I wonder… It makes me un-easy. Not that a pick-up truck needs to come by to make me un-easy…) – On that issue… it was about 22.00 and I’d just gone down for what was to be my last smoke of the day and I was on the way into the room, at the top of the stairs when the front door to the house opened. The dogs barked (of course) and an older man simply opened the door and called in “Can I come in? Is anybody here? Can I come in?” He’d come from the Homestead across the road, pulling his jeans on. Hair all combed and shirt nicely pressed. Shoes on. But pulling his jeans on. He claimed that 3 people tried to get into his place with the intention of murdering him! He didn’t appear hysterical or anything and certainly not too terribly distraught by the matter. But he insisted that these people were trying to kill him. (23.17 the black pick-up truck finally left!) As he talked, Dixie and Ellie finally stopped their barking, I went down the stairs to be with L. (why? I don’t know… part curiosity and part protective impulse I suppose). Mexiishit continued to yip ALL the while, and Jester did nothing to stop it. (B. had been in bed already for well over and hour… and to think, this is the kind of consideration they have for each-other! Senseless, really.) Personally, I wanted to say something quite rude about the yipping but, in a way, I rather enjoyed it because it was annoying… to the others. So I went down the stairs again, listening to the story and offered “Silas” (imagine that! a Silas comes to the door in the middle of the night… this one is 85 though) a glass of water since he claimed to have had to kick the screen out of his window and run all the way (through the back fields) to the house. He was so relieved to find a light on in this town! Well, L. phone the police and was on for the longest while. For some reason, I wasn’t buying into the story Silas was giving here: 3 people trying to break into his place to kill him. He was entirely too, TOO calm about it all, just sitting there, watching TV. L. asked if I’d sit beside him whist we waited for the authorities to come and so I did. But now that I think about it, I did so thinking that this old man could be a nut case… a violent nut case so somebody really should accompany L. Now! Where the fuck was his “husband”? In bed. That’s “Caring”. Fucktards… the lot of them. The arse-wipe across the hall with the yipping piece of shit and the “husband” in bed. Isn’t that all special? I’ll be sure to find cause to mention this… I hope. So, a few more phone calls hither and yon and by about 22.30 or so, a director or somebody came from the Homestead to fetch Mr. Silas. As it turns out, Mr. Silas is having a time of adjusting to the place over there. This sort of thing isn’t uncommon. He didn’t want to go back there and it appears he’d hoped to stay the night here. Imagine THAT! Anyway… the crisis passed, the director collected him and they were off, into the night with-out so much as a “Thank You”. Indeed… Entitlement continues. – So now it’s already 23.32. So much for being in bed and asleep early. I still want to make a wash tomorrow, maybe put more insecticide down on the yellow-jackets and it looks like I WILL be making my trip up North. Oh well… just more to run me down. I wish it would simply take me! I keep hoping… but NORTH! But just TAKE me OUT OF THIS SHIT! NOW! – Let’s try to post this and get some sleep. – Fuck: this house, Viv’s place… just Fuck.
Fri.25.Jul:
6.37 And I slept… two alarms and I slept. I don’t know why. Must need the sleep. And it’s quite chilly this morning. The barn thermo reads 42°F this morning. Goodness me. And L. is awake, in the parlour. I thought I might wash my shirt and pants and socks this morning. Looks like “Nope”. Oh well. Perhaps Monday. Perhaps not. I don’t know. Can’t care about that now. Too early to head North yet. So, I’ll just have to wake up and see what’s to come. And I must have slept heavily. My let eye doesn’t want to wake up. Well. Time. – 15.58 Back from St-Armand where, amazingly (to me) I opened my mouth and the French came a-rolling! WHAT a delight! I went there because the forecast said rain and the sky looked like rain and… I have no energy to get to Bedford today. AND… en route, on the Morses Line… the couple from RICHFORD… on their bikes! OK. That was en route to and at St-Armand. Oh, and M.Fntn (my “buddy” as it were at les douanes) was ever so brief this morning. One question and away I went. I LOVE CANADA! – Now… on the route BACK… Little Missie Arizona AND she took the back-pack and as she rummaged, she asked what I do for a living, how often I work, what I do for extra income, how I pay my bills and rent… Imagine that: SHE’S going to pull that interrogation shit and meanwhile, to the Southern border, the illegals are flocking in, unobstructed! Makes me want to take a gun, toddle to the Northern border and as I get there… SHOOT MYSELF IN THE HEAD…. RIGHT AT THE US CUSTOMS BUILDING! FUCKING INSULTING PRICKS! But then I can’t help but think: I hope it causes some concern knowing that their ultimate “boss” is a criminal, and by following his orders (as they do), it makes them criminals as well. So they take it out on us. And, I noted, *I* got the “search”… but TWO cars from Quebec came through and zipped right along. Hmmm…. Yup. Open borders… except for born citizens. I hate this fucking joke-ass so-called “country”. Always have and it just gets deeper and more serious. – NOTE DU JOUR: BOIL THE WATER! Effective… YESTERDAY until further notice. When I got back from HOME, I went to the market for cheap ice cream, a tin of soup and some donuts and then over to the PO (no mail… fine) where the notice is taped to the upper right-hand corner of the door! How charming… at the PO! Chatted with Cecil about it and the brooks in the back, and he brought up the dumping into the water-ways and the spraying and run-off in the fields. So it looks like he and I share the same concerns. – When I got back into the house, I told L. about the water-boiling and he told me that the 3 of them have had diarrhoea. (I guess it’s my “Homeless Immunity” kicking in… I hope.) BUT… when B. came in from work? L. poured him a glass of water and he (B.) drank it. There’s no accounting for sense around here. OH! And I was invited to join L. and Jester this evening when they go to St.A.! Imagine that! I didn’t decline… I merely said that I didn’t have any need to go today (and I don’t). But the invitation was left open. Had it only been L. I probably would have gone… just to see how a conversation, alone, would have gone. But… NOT with the TWO of them! And too, L. asked me if I’d gone on the bike to Price Chopper! WTF? I told him I’d gone looking for the little road-side daisies. His response was that we (we) need to plant more eccinaechae (or what-ever) out front because the old ones died off. Never happy… in spite of the “You did a wonderful job with planting the black-eyed Susans. They’ve taken very well.” _ I remain… THE ALTRUIST. – 16.11 and I should eat the soup. But I’m really just tired… very tired. – 22.40 Well, so much for getting to sleep early enough. – The evening was rather interesting. I’d no sooner opened the tin of soup when a knock came on the door. L. inviting me to dine with them! And oddly enough, I admitted to just having opened the soup. So? IF they think about it, let them wonder… “Soup? Cold?” But I doubt that thought will come to a mind… and I don’t care one way or the other. (They did go… pharmacy and such. I stayed in the room.) – I sent word to Viv via Skype at about 19.30. No reply. Oh well. Oh well indeed. And the rest of the night was spent in a shower and on the fessbook… being light and cheerie. Until Rozie posted a “Shabbat Shalom” and I broke into tears. It’s been over 3 years since I last heard those words. Over 3 years since I’ve been in a synagogue. Oer 3 years since I’ve had that PEACE of spirit. And here there’s no chance of ever hearing or enjoying that again… unless I get a car that will take me to Montreal. And even then… Tonight, I miss Town and Village and CSAIR. I miss that part of my life. But this location and the trips “HOME” are the pay-off I suppose. – Looking forward to going to work tomorrow… wishing it wasn’t Franklin. – One more smoke. (I want a v-ton but I don’t dare!) – Jester tells that he’ll be out for a month with surgery. B. wants to go to Virginia next month to see his grand-daughter. L. says they could put the money toward something here. Me? I don’t give a shit. I want OUT SOON! – And now I need to try for some sleep. TRY!
Sat.26.Jul: 5.34 HEAD-ACHE! And, did NOT want to wake up this morning! This chilly morning. – August is coming… The fucking month. August. I should be happy about it. I’m not. Just … not. – 12.09 and back at the house. B&L are “returning bottles”. Jester is douching. I’m having ice cream… in the room. And the day was closed AT 11.00!!! – 15.38 Dozed… sitting on the rocker, in the room. Just heard some guy call “Somebody out here’s got a green thumb just like your mother!” and L. replied “Jude.” – Why am I so tired? I was fine after work. Suddenly… dead. I ate 2 peanut-butters (roll) and went right off to sleep sitting in the rocker. Was looking for cars… dumbass me. Tired, just really tired. – 18.15 It has been another terribly wasted day, on-line for the most part, venting opinions and such. Accomplishing nothing. And waiting for the “proper” hour when I can just get into bed and go to sleep. How terrible. I’m just up from a smoke and having thought… odd… now I can’t even remember the thought I wanted to jot… oh yes… having thought: I haven’t been the same, haven’t been “right” since the 6-day bike-a-thon to E. Fairfield. It took something from me. Strength. Stamina. Something. I’ve been achy ever since. I’ve been exceptionally tired ever since… always. I have a brief moment in the morning when I wake, where I feel like taking the World on. And as soon as it comes, it passes, and I wait for the rest of the day for the “proper” hour to go back to bed, back to sleep. I’m fine whilst asleep. The World is wonderful, in my sleep. Then I wake, and the whole thing falls to shit. I want to go to sleep… and not ever, never wake again. That would be so delightful. So nice. So kind. – It was particularly difficult this evening when, at about 17.00, the smells of cooking wafted up into the room. A hot meal. Meat, vegetable, starch… food. A hot, cooked meal. It was particularly difficult this evening. I had the ice cream and the peanut-butter… then PopTarts. A particularly difficult evening. But it passed. –
19.48
What I wouldn’t give
to walk along Rockaway beach
feel the sand cool
beneath my feet
watch the tide come in
and beckon me
step off the shore
swim out to the sea
as the sun-set skies burn over my head
in brilliant gold, and orange-red
to see Tilden drift away as I
lay back and on the waves
on the sea-salt bed.
and laying there at peace
at ease
roll with ocean and out on the seas
as once I did
so, so long ago
what I wouldn’t give
what I wouldn’t give
21.13 “Fire night” out back. I just heard L. call to Jester asking if B. had brought anything to mix with the drinks. And I note: not so much as a tap on the door to be invited. May the rains come pouring down… soon. – 22.29 Just up from a smoke. The fire is crackling in the back yard. They’re all ensconced, comfortably. I was going to sit out front, but the front door was a little too much to handle (I’ve just finished a v-ton… FTW) so I went and sat on the back steps, hoping not to be noticed. It’s not that I don’t want to associate, I just can’t take the … well… I don’t want to ever hear the “Owe” line again. I know I owe. I know how much I owe. But I can’t pay AND get a car. Shit! I can’t get a car! But I have to save something towards that goal now… more than ever before. – I’m hungry as all hell right now. I finished the 2 rolls that were left. I can’t even chew them because of the absence of teeth now. I’m falling apart. It’s coming time to walk out… of this shit called “life”. Time to toss it all. Truly. I don’t know what keeps me going. – Well… for now? Time to turn out the lights. Hopefully I’ll be inspired tomorrow to work more on the last book. I HAVE to get that published. Then I can have peace. And I deserve that much. – Why? I ask “why”. I know there’s no answer. I don’t expect one. I don’t expect anything… except the perpetuation and prolongation of this Hell here. Mum was right: after this there is no “Hell”. THIS is Hell. After this there is only PEACE. – No word from Viv again tonight.- 22.39 Bloody shit! I’m trying to post this to the Journal and I can’t get on the site! AND… from the sound of down-stairs, they’re coming in! FUCK FUCK FUCK THE WORLD! Just FUCK IT ALL!
Sun.27.Jul: 6.15 Just up from the morning smoke. Not feeling quite “right” again this morning. The v-ton? Or just what’s become “normal” these days? I keep thinking: I haven’t been “right” since the E. Fairfield trips. Yes, I do believe that took something from me. Just haven’t been “right” since. “Things” just aren’t “right” since then. Physically and emotionally and mentally… just not “right”. – But another day commences, this one, rather wet. It did rain as I slept. And it’s a bit on the chilly side in this room this morning. I need to find else-where to be. I’m in a “Shelter” state of mind. – 12.45 Napped for an hour… and it’s hot again in the room. And I believe the rest are awake. Oh well. More rain in the forecast and I hope so. – I’m going to try to get more on the MaxManuscript done today! MUST get that out an published now. My clock is running down. I’d like to paint something… but fuckthat. More of my work to be left behind? I think not. (Maybe if I MAKE something to see on-line… I have to get a”Gift Card”… post some-where… make money for the car. I don’t fucking know and don’t fucking care.) – 23.59 WELL! I WAS INVITED TO TURKEY DINNER THIS EVENING! John came by and as I walked out for a smoke, B. handed me a mug of frozen lemonade with vodka and asked that I join them for “Thanksgiving” dinner… turkey, potatoes from the garden, beans from Cecil, etc. What could I do? I accepted, kindly knowing that chewing was going to be difficult at best. But then, B. and I went out to the back for a smoke and in the chat we were having, he again, thanked me for all the work, we discussed finances and such and as he spoke, he mentioned:
***** Somebody down to his job made a comment about “one not being able to cover the rent” and he said that his reply was “What are we going to do? If we throw him out he’ll be homeless.” *****
So obviously, my situation is being discussed at this job. Honestly… Gay men and old women… not much difference there at all. But, I’m choosing to look at the statement from the “if we throw him out” and the reference to being “Homeless”. The actually DO care! I even mentioned that to Jester in a subsequent chat he and I had after dinner. (It’s really a delight to talk with these guys when they’re drinking… I learn SO much! In fact, I wonder whether they think *I’m* being the stand-offish one and I wonder if they see *me* as being remote, distant. I’ll have to try to be more a part of the house-hold for a bit and see how that goes… for as long as I’m here.) – Jester is in such pain these days. The drink and meds helped a bit today, but the poor guy nodded at dinner, almost dropping his head into the bowl of potatoes! I DO feel terribly for him. The medical system isn’t doing shit as far as taking care of him. It’s even to the point where they demand that he go for urine tests each week… to make sure he’s taking his pain meds and not selling them. Really? They have the x-rays and such to PROVE he’s got troubles! I SO HATE people these days. Wastes… the lot of them! – At about 20.00 or so, L. was passed out on the sofa, B. had gone to bed, Jester and I were in the kitchen so I fed the animals before we both joined in the sleep-fest. The 2 drinks I’d had before dinner (oh… dinner… a smallest portion of turkey, with a bit of potato, about 8 beans and a dollop of dressing… It was almost painful to chew but it did taste delicious… and there were LOTS of left-overs,,,, which I will probably not see, but for the moment, it was rather enjoyable. And the table chat was fun this time.) the drinks had a kick at first and then disappeared, thankfully. Still, at first they HIT! I’m not used to drinking any more. Oh well… that’s not a problem. – And so, at about 21.30 I came to the room, checked through the fessebook and the weather. Weather is rain-out for the next 2 days. I should get back to the MaxManuscript and get that finished. I should… really. And the comments/replies on fessebook tonight were wonderful. I’ve a new “friend” in Sutton… she’s a delight to correspond with but I keep recalling the Twtr fiasco… NO TRUST! BEWARE! and so I shall. – I’ve had my last smoke of the day now and I want to be up early tomorrow morning. There’s much I’d like to do with the day… including but not limited to disassembling those old chairs out behind the barn. If I can do that, we can toss the fabrics and such and the others can use the wood for their fires. There’s still at least 2-3 months where they can enjoy that, and WTF? Why shouldn’t I “clean” the yard… again? Eh?
Mon.28.Jul: 7.07 WOW! Did I ever over-sleep this morning! But it’s as I said to John last evening: Who told us that we HAD to be awake first thing in the morning? Why do we have to be awake first thing in the morning? And as he said, he was raised the same way… we HAD to be awake first thing in the morning… no matter what. So? But there’s still the day ahead… rainy as it may be. – I need to get over to the PO this morning before Gina leaves. The chairs could be broken-down… but they’re wet so there’s no telling whether I’ll be able to do that today. And if so? I shall. If not? I shalln’t. So what? Really. – 12.00 and rain and I’m HUNGRY and there’s only Ramen and peanut-butter to be eaten. I don’t want to go to the market and spend there, but I might have to. – I dropped at the PO to chat with Aline about Saturday’s customer and his delivery and we chatted a bit about the office and the service in general. Apparently all went well on Saturday. – When I got back to the house, I checked the transplants (flowers) and all seem well. Then I poured a bit of the furnace oil down the yellow-jacket nest, thinking the rain will move it down into the ground quicker and hopefully get them out of there. It’s not just for me and safety… I don’t want the dogs getting stung. – And so, now, I’m back on the bed to figure what to do to entertain me for the rest of the day… I want to “DO” something, but the rain… and the pain in my head from the teeth is making me a bit on the nutsy side. It just hurts. But… as with life… this too shall pass… one way or another. – 21.09 I’ve been typing the details of this dream I had! And now? It’s time to go to sleep and I don’t know that I will or even can after having slept so soundly (?) for the past 4 hours. – It’s raining again. That should be a bit on the “soothing” side although I’m feeling a bit on the “ick” side, having not showered since Satruday morning. But I don’t care about that. What I DO care about is… At about 13.30 I went to the market to get rolls, some cheese curds, a bottle of chocolate milk and 2 ice cream bars. Got it all into the house and up to the room and ate the ice cream as I browsed the Internet a bit. Then, at about 15.20 or so, I made Ramen noodles with the cheese curd. It was rather delicious but SALTY! Still, it served its purpose… killing off the hunger. – When I’d done, I went down for a smoke as every body was sitting at table to eat. I was invited to partake but was honest and said that I’d just finished the Ramen (and made a joke referencing the report that B. had gotten where it’s claimed that they use wax to preserve the noodles and that it takes 2 weeks to rid the body of it…. and it got a laugh… and I went for my smoke.) – It was when I got back up to the room that everything turned to shit… quite literally! I was on the bed and settled when suddenly…. THE URGE TO RUN TO THE SHITTER! STRONG! So I grabbed the toilet paper and such and headed for the toilet where at first, it all came blowing out and THEN CONTINUED TO SIMPLY RUN AND RUN AND RUN steadily, non-stop! And as it ran out, it took my strength and energy with it… I suddenly became SO tired that I HAD to lie down… and wanted to take a nap! So I set an alarm for 17.20 (about 43 minutes of snooze or so), got under the sleeping bag and CRASHED DEAD ASLEEP WITH-IN ONLY MERE MOMENTS!!! Didn’t wake until about 20.00!!!!! But it was the DREAM that bothers me the most… the DREAM
(Recording this at 20.19)
I was taking care of 2 young girls for the day, had taken them to a local shopping mall. It was getting toward sun-set and I had t bring them back home. We had been driven to the mall as I recall. They didn’t want to leave bt I insisted that it was time to go. So I headed to the exit doors and they hesitantly followed behind at some distance. I was tired and not in the best mood. As I walked through the glass doors, I noticed that the parking lot was empty, save 3 or 4 cars off in the distance and suddenly realised that I didn’t know how to get back home via train/subway! I had no idea where I was but I thought that if I walked the great distance out of the parking lot and to the streets, I’d find someplace familiar. So I walked. Somewhere in the parking lot I thought that the girls, who didn’t follow me, would make a phone call and someone would come to pick them up. It would serve them right to be left alone, and I didn’t care one way or the other that I would be in trouble for leaving them there. They wouldn’t come with me so let them find their own way home. And I walked. It was quite a distance and the buildings in the distance were most 1 or 2 storey houses. I was in an area that some-what resembled the old Throggs Neck… residential and off the public transport lines. But I kept walking. By the time I got out of the parking lot and into the development, it was dark. I decided I would make a phone call, having cell service that I hadn’t had at the mall. I looked at my “contacts” and decided to ring “devoie and debbie” (I’m not certain abut the “debbie”, it as 2 names and the first one was, as I am recalling awake… “devoie”) 2 girls/women. I used the “auto call” and when I pushed to dial, a recording from the phone, ambiguous at best, something about “if it’s a paritcular day of the week and between the hours of this and that, you can call devoie, but if it’s these particular days and these particular hours, you have to call debbie because devoid can only handle cases where this information is needed and debbie will be on call for her. However, it this is a ‘something’ day, and the hours are something, then you can call devoie and your call will be transfered to debbie or a supervisory on duty. What would you like to do? To call devoie, say ‘call devoie’ to call debbie say ‘call debbie’ otherwise you may hang up.” I said “Call devoie”. The message asked “Call [some other name I don’t remember]?” I said “NO! CALL DEVOIE!” and the message replied “Thank you.” and disconnected me. I was angry and annoyed because I could barely see the display on the phone and now it was late.
[The dream snapped… ]it was dark… I was in a hospital room… Calvary, but not. A hospice. I was visiting with the family of someone for whom I’d cared when I worked at this hospital. This time I was visiting them and their young son [perhaps 13 years old] who was dying of cancer. I was close with the family some-how. They were Indian. The elder mother was hurt because there was no staff who spoke Urdu and the child spoke no English. I stood for a bit, at bed-side with the family. A nurse stood too close to me and I shunned her with an angry look. I didn’t want her touching me. And I became aware of the fact that she would have no cause or reason to know why I disliked her so much but I was angry because this family was in such pain and suffering because of the suffering and death of their child and I knew that there was a way that the hospital could get some-one who spoke the language of the child but they wouldn’t. I turned to the mother and asked “Which language would you prefer, Hindi or Urdu?” The mother replied “Urdu.” I told her not to worry and I would do all that I could for them and I walked to the Nurses’ station. The halls were dark and the desk was dimly lit. As I approached, I knew the Nurse on duty [and it was actually one with whom I’d worked at Calvary… a Filipino Nurse with whom I didn’t particularly get along in reality and now, in the dream…] and when she turned and saw me, she pushed her chair away from me. I told her that I knew that there was staff who could be called onto duty who could communicate with the child in Urdu. I was angry and almost yelling at this point. I told her that I knew that they weren’t doing anything for the family except making empty promises that were all lies because they didn’t like the family. And then, when the Nurse got up and walked away from me, I went fully ballistic! I started to YELL out-right that I was going to report the hospital, make this know out-side the hospital and that there was nothing they could do to stop me because I no longer worked for the hospital and that it would all become public knowledge. “I’ll take this hospital DOWN and you’re ALL going with it! I’ll see you ALL BURIED under the rubble!” As I passed by the room where the child lay dying, I stopped in, very calmly and quietly and smiled and told the family that I was taking care of it and that they shouldn’t worry. I looked at the Nurse in the room and quietly, calmly and politely told her “YOU are going down too so don’t just stand there looking so confident.” and I walked quietly out into the hall and down the stairs to the exit. The building was suddenly dark and empty and I twirled in anger as I left, yelling “I’ll take this hospital DOWN and I’ll see you ALL BURIED in the rubble!”
[The dream snapped back to the first part….] I was away from the mall and walking trough a bit of a “lane” and into a breeze-way between two brick houses. The one on my right was the house of an old Italian woman whose husband I’d taken care of for a while and after he’d died, I stayed on to make sure that she was alright. I had a change of clothes in that house even though I hadn’t worked there in a while. I’d left… just left, rather suddenly but there was a needed change of clothes in the house and because I was there I was going to get them back. I managed to get into the front door and get the clothes with-out disturbing her, or so I’d thought. When I came out of the house, I had to try the phone again, to get in touch with “devoie” because I needed to find out how to get home from where I was and only she could tell me how to do that! But I was having trouble bow, holding the clothes, and the phone, trying to see the phone display and now there were 3 old metal gates to navigate through. Old, rusting, hand-made gates. The first swung toward the stone stairs directly in front of it… the stairs went up… but right after that was a gate that swung toward the first gate. I manged to manoeuvre my way through these 2 gates and then there was a 3rd and that one squeaked worse than the first two. The old woman came out of the house and began talking to me, quietly… I snapped at her “Don’t talk to me. Don’t talk at me. I won’t talk with you!” and I tried to get through the last gate and to the other side of the steps. (The woman some-how was a combination of Margot and Carmine’s wife, Maria and had a Howard Beach Italian accent.) She was saying “I don’t know what I did but it was something that was fine all along but now repulses you. I don’t know how it all changed and what’s wrong with you to be so mean to me. I don’t have anybody anymore and now I’m alone and you don’t care and I don’t know what I did wrong and now you don’t talk to me. I don’t know. I don’t understand.” But I kept trying to make my way through this last gate to get over the steps and onto the street in front of the house and to call “devoie”.
[The dream snapped… but the word “repulse” stuck and carried into the next…] “Repulses you. Skinning live snakes repulses me!” I was standing at an open market, it was hot, dusty, but miserably humid. I was at a distance from some man who was selling snakes [this part was almost a run of a video I’d seen recently on snakes and I’d actually seen this entire segment where the guy skinned the snake alive and now I was in it! But then my mind reeled into the thought of doing such a thing to a person! And in a sort of “thought process” with-in the dream I ‘saw”: Skinning people. A strap/mask to keep the mouth shut so the person isn’t able to scream, they cut the skin round the neck whilst the person was fully conscious and then they pulled and ripped the skin down over the shoulder to keep it all in one piece, over the hands an fingers and then let it dangle, attached to the soles of the feet. I could feel the coolness of the air on wet muscle and I bled and the fire, the burning of the raw muscle, bared and burning from having the skin torn away. Whether I’d been skinned or just envisioned such a thing is all ambiguous.
I woke in a sweat… I’d slept through the 17.20 alarm… it was 20.00-something…4 hours later.
Tue.29.Jul:
5.10 Slept through the 4.30 but woke at about 5.00. I was back in bed by about 22.00 last night. Thankfully. And I had a tea… well… the peppermint and the chamomile, a bag of each. I can’t say if that helped and I can’t say that it didn’t. But, I laid my head down and went to sleep until only moments ago. And when I woke this morning… Burt, it appears, has a new rooster and it’s crowing. How delightful… right then. – The upper right tooth seems to have gone back to where it’s supposed to be but OH the pain even in that. One of these mornin’s, I’m gonna rise up swingin’ the damned thing righ the fuck out! – OK. Head-ache. Waiting for Mr.B. to take off down the road so I can have a smoke. – The day… the 29th! Fuck me we’re slammin’ into August and I want to VOMIT! – 11.24 Must have been about 10.45 when I went to take the morning dump and brush the teeth I have left… and with nothing more than simply brushing… one less tooth! –21.58 My muscles ache so much tonight. I don’t understand it. Started with the left arm and hand, then to the right arm and hand. I hadn’t the strength to put screws into the ramp for the trash barrels today. Then, not enough strength to strip the old chair of its upholstery out back. I tried to break it down so that the lighter stuff could be tossed in the garbage tomorrow but I just couldn’t. Truly…couldn’t. But I did get a lot of it done. And, trimmed the roses so B. can get in and out of the car easier. The ducks are up on the barn and a bird house. Curtis mowed the lawn and I got the parts under the swing and picnic table. And the yelllow-jackets are gone! That insecticide was supposed to be watered-in… the rain did that for me. And… I’m showered! But I’m just so full of pain tonight and I can’t imagine why. A month away from 59th. And not looking forward to that, nor 60. I’ve truly had enough… more than enough, really. I just can’t take any more of the concern about the bike breaking-down, needing the car, owing the rent (that these guys truly need). I just can’t take any more of this. I wonder why I’m not “ready” to leave this all just yet. But hopefully, as the days go by, I’ll get me together and go… just go. The weather should be delightful in the coming weeks… perfect for a stroll HOME and a night “out”. It really IS “time”. Teeth falling out. Body aching. And generally more of a burden than use. Yup… time to let the rest of the world move along.- I had “dinner” with the others tonight. A few scoops of a “turkey salad” that B. put together and half a roll. Only enough to sit at table with them… and not make a difference in the amount of food consumed. It was pleasant. – Oh, and B. thanked me for the ramp. – He tells that they’ve cut the “Sirius” service on the car radio, cut back on the TV cable service and he’s cutting out his smoking. “Can’t afford it.” I do wonder why. It’s none of my business, really. But I do wonder why. I don’t eat their food, I don’t use their toilet paper or soap. I don’t get heat. I use the fan once in a while and the little electric to keep the lap-top and phone going. But… I wonder… and it’s none of my business. – All said and done… it’s time to leave… not just the house… this thing called “the world”. I’m tired of this shit, the anxieties, the pushing and shoving me a bit further… I’m tired of it. Hey! I’ve gone 4 years beyond where I thought I’d be. 4 years too many, as far as I’m concerned. Too, TOO many. – 23.15 To sleep…I hope.
Wed.30.Jul:
|
|
|
|
6.33 Garbage out and it’s a quite chilly morning, this. 12° according to the météo. Imagine that. July and only 12°. I wonder what the Autumn and Winter will be like. I don’t want to know and I don’t want to be “here”… anywhere, I don’t want to “be” for that. – This morning’s thought: I have to get busy painting. I can sell my paintings. I can get an income from that . I need to get back to it. Once upon a time I knew and I did… invest in me. I have to do that again. I have something to invest in me now. It has to be done! NOW… not later…NOW – I know that I’m thinking myself into a depression. Losing that tooth yesterday pushed me over the line. Knowing that there’s nobody who’ll lift a finger to help was quite the shove as well. I mean, this morning, I have a wash to do and I don’t really even care about that. Last night. the woman in Sutton (Rozie) was sending messages via fessebook about trying to get “sponsors” for some kids… at 50$ per kid. Imagine that. And that too wasn’t re-assuring for me. Once again, it’s as if it’s a kick in the face from “Life”… I’m just not worth it. I’m not looking for hand-outs. CBivona has a page asking for 5$ donations. He managed to get aout 500$. That won’t solve all my troubles, but at this juncture, right now, it would be a major help. HE has a blog where he’s honest about it all… right there, in the face, “blogging”, as it were, the details. Perhaps I should try that. I have the “Milestone” blog. I think it’s time to run this Journal AND the Milestone and see where that gets me. Yes… time to just throw it all into the world and see… I keep thinking about the fucktards in NY and the risk of them putting negativities out there. But the truth is: I CAN fight them… I have MORE than enough to do so and… I’ve fought before… it’s time to fight again….. Today… Art and Words… I’ve nothing left to lose. – Today… this morning… now… DECLARATION OF WAR! against “LIFE”! – 16.33 Well? The limb over the garden is gone… turned to fire-wood. Two chairs are gone… turned to fire-wood. Sreak and franks are cooking on the stove downstairs. And I SO NEED a shower! But I’m waiting until “they” sit to dine. – 17.49 Showered. Hungry. I ate a Woopie Pie. I intended to have peanut-butter and frosting. I want something “Food”. What makes it all worse is that I don’t have the strength to make peanut-butter on bread. I ache all over… as it’s described “deep muscle pain”. As if I’d worked-out in a gym all day. Pain. Fatigue. – I listened to a bit of music as I finished off the 2 chairs today. I felt a little better. But the truth is, even music, music that I like, just makes me tired. I don’t understand this. Depression setting in? Probably. Oh well. – Just had a smoke and am truly ready to just go so sleep. I feel a bit guilty about that though. The sun is shining, it’s a delightful evening and I want to sleep… fatigue. I just might… by about 19.00. A quick check to see if there’s any word from Viv and then? Probably sleep. – Oh, when I mentioned to Jester that I’d cut the oak limb he whispered “Hide it! Bob and Lyle had an argument. Lyle said ‘I don’t want any more cut off that tree.’” Tough shit. All done. And the tomatoes will now ripen. Fuck off. Really. And when I mentioned the 2 chairs? “You didn’t have to do that. We would have put one out at a time with the rubbish.” OK… I do this work for ME now… to keep ME occupied. And when I don’t feel up to it? Fuck off. Really. When I just told B. and L. about the chairs… no thanks. Nobody’s grateful for anything done for them. (I’ll be posting some “hint” on the fessbook before getting to sleep tonight, to be sure.) – 22.57 2 peanut butter frosting rolls, package of molasses cookies and to bed!
|
|
|
Thu.31.Jul: 10.26 Slept through the alarm again. Woke at about 6.20. Tossed the wash in the machine. GLOOM DOOM DEPRESSION DESPAIR. Napped a bit. Sun is out. Warm breezes blowing. Storms in the forecast. DOOM DEPRESSION DESPAIR!!!! WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT DEAD? LIFE… IT’S SO BLOODY-FUCKING HATEFUL!!! TOWARD ME! –
14.20
HAPPY TO BE CLOSER TO DEATH
Today, at long last, a question that I’ve been pondering for several years now has been answered. And yes, I am at peace and content to know. It’s rather like suspecting one has cancer, not being too certain, then being definitively diagnosed and told the prognosis is short… no “long-term” suffering.
For the past several years I have been running myself to a hair’s breath from ruin, trying to pick up the pieces of what used to be, in my own opinion, a rather delightful “Life”. No, I was never filthy rich, never over-endowed with cash, charm, personality, “model’s looks” or anything of that sort. I had little, but I had all that I needed and I was perfectly content with that. I grew up in a family whose members included some rather “wealthy” folks and to quite honest? They were the miserable ones, always worried about the cost of something… even down to a pair of socks. There were they type who wouldn’t offer a hand to some-one in need for fear the hand of the other would slip, and find its way into their pocket. No, I didn’t have much, but what I had kept me relatively comfortable and I was quite happy and fine with that. People would come to my home, sit comfortably, relax, and we would enjoy the daylights out of greatest conversations, a bit of a bite to eat, something refreshing to drink, and all was quite well.
I had a job that I enjoyed so much that it was almost a crime to be paid for my presence and my labours. I had an employer who paid salaries that made the employees feel important, integral and appreciated. When-ever there was a lull in my particular field, I was given the opportunity to learn something new, and then, when possible, I was offered the chance to move about, learn more, apply my knowledge and that was appreciated.
All considered, it was a joy to wake up each morning. I was a pleasure to make the commute to the job and at the end of the day, feeling almost exhausted was an incomparable delight because there were smiles and thanks expressed, efforts were recognised and rewarded. I ate well, slept well, looked forward to each day. it was very nice to be alive… then.
But as it is on the rural roads of this planet we call “Earth”, the pavement suddenly dropped and the once evenly-paved and almost bump-free route became, with-out warning, soil, stone and gravel. And the dirt roads, although winding their way through some of the most exquisite and bucolic scenery, where amazement and awe abounded at times, were wash-outs for some stretches and in other spots, were filled with swamp and mud, and still, in others were simply over-grown, save for a foot-path over which to traverse. Try as I may, moving forward, just forward, believing that eventually the road of “Life” would once again become paved and smooth, it seemed I was only moving toward a destination that, in all likelihood, no longer existed or, worse yet, was nothing more than the makings of childhood musings, fairy-tale stories told to me when I was almost an infant. Still, tenacity and determination ruled and forward and onward I travelled, believing that soon, maybe round the next bend, my journey would return to the mode of yester-year, and that before I grew too old to enjoy it, I would find myself in that land of my ancestors, being able to breathe a little freer, to relax a little more, to enjoy the fruits of my labours and toil… No. Instead, at one rather large and harsh pot-hole, crater, more likely, in the middle of the darkest night, shrouded in the shadows of the scenery surrounding me, I found myself, unimaginably Homeless, empty, down-trodden and rejected, dejected, very much alone, truly, alone.
For months I resided in public parks, under trees, front porches of abandoned structures that once sheltered others. Abandoned, attended by no-one, but not available for me, to provide even the basic shelter from the elements… I sought shelter, as it were, on the open front porches. I slept on “Mother Earth”, beneath the branches of trees, surrounded by bush and shrub for protection against being discovered and seen as an indigent, a threat of some perception. And then… as the nights grew ever so cold and wet with dew, and suffering terribly to take the next breath, I found myself standing, again, in the empty night’s darkness, at the dreary entrance to a soot and time-blackened brick and stone structure… a “Shelter” for the “Homeless”.
Oh, there, there were promises of “help”, to get back on my feet, promises of “help” to get into another job that would provide a “living wage”. There were promises of “help” to find “affordable” housing too! Promises flowed freer than the water from the indoor plumbing. Meals were provided as were a bed and linens, toiletries and such. I availed myself of the amenities for a brief while until, about a month later, *I* found and secured a new job… on my own volition, due to my own determination and tenacity. It didn’t provide a “Living Wage”, but it DID provide the means to slowly, ever so slowly, return me to a situation in which I could, once again, discuss my “employment”, my “job”… and, of course, once again, become a “contributing” member of society, a “tax-payer”, a “tax-payer” who did not take from the funds provided by other tax-payers but who would again contribute, through his own labour, to a fund which would provide for others, others who, for some reason or another were not so fortunate, did not procure employment, could not find and enjoy a “door key” of their own. Yes, again, I would be working to provide… for myself, as little as I had, and for others, as was verified by the statements received on my “pay stub”.
But the bottom line, the issue, the crux of it all was: “They” did not get me back on my feet… “I” got me back on my feet.
For the next few years, I was, indeed, “on my feet”, although I teetered like an infant just learning to stand up-right and walk. I got myself back to work, but for reasons I didn’t yet understand, I wasn’t able to retrieve the work I’d done in the past, and certainly, try as I might, wasn’t able to receive the salary I’d received in what was then my “youth”. I didn’t complain. I was thrilled to be back to work, thrilled to be productive, thrilled to be able to turn a key in the lock on the door that led to my little rented room that I could now call my “home”. I’d lost everything I’d ever had in life whilst being “Homeless”, I was re-starting at this juncture and learning that there are “essential necessities” to basic comforts and anything above those were simply, not necessary, un-needed, and so, I managed quite well with a pot… and a window. I never complained. I looked forward to going to work each day. The new job was difficult, exhausting, but I was working, making a “living” and providing for me to continue working. I was no longer “Homeless” nor jobless. I felt quite validated… and, most importantly, SELF-validated, and that was the best.
I’m still in those “next few years” and still trying to keep from an existence under trees, on porches of abandoned houses. I’ve gone through another set of obstacles in relocating with the hope of better living, and being slammed in the face with the difficulties of being very new in some very old and established towns. I’ve managed to barely make it through a period of being “un-employable” when I was falsely accused of committing the heinous crime of stealing from a part-time employer. That case and the charges and all related matters were simply dismissed before even going to trial based on the fact that, in the words of the high court judge “there was no case to begin with”, no crime had been committed. It was, in fact, the panicked whimsey of an overly self-medicated hysterical employer which started the issue and I was to be the scapegoat. Well, indeed, even the baseless accusation became “record” and again, I struggled, because, as many have learnt: One is guilty until proven innocent and even once proven innocent, there are those who will hold the guilt… for eternity. Becoming employed again was exasperating! I was in a new place, a new state, a new town, amongst new people… I had no history here, no past, nothing more than my word and a brief CV. But again, tenacity and determination prevailed and, after a rather long while, I returned yet again, to employment! And with that, to being a “tax-payer”. And, again, to a job that I truly love, at a most delightful hourly wage… but, as is the case these days with so many, not quite enough available work hours to provide for those basic necessities. I find that I need “help” and this time, when I truly NEED the “help”, I am finding it ever increasingly elusive and until now, I never understood why.
Today the mystery has been solved, the questions all answered, the light has broken through and, I suppose, the Truth has been set free. The explanation has come to why, struggle as I may, beg as I have, I cannot find another person who is as I have been all my life: caring and giving of what can be given to help another human being in time of need. I used to feel oppressed by this fact. But today, now, I am more learned and knowledgeable and must write, jot, record this new-found wisdom.
You see, the trouble is, in fact: I am OLD! Too old. To “help” someone who is perhaps 30 years of age is an investment of sorts. He has at least another 30, if not 40 years during which he will produce, create something at his job, his employment, which will provide tax revenue for the government. He will produce something for the masses which they will purchase, keeping the currency fluid, moving. People are willing to reach out to a person of 30, and even 40 years of age because there is a relative assurance that that person will provide a return on many more years on their investment.
I, on the other hand, am “OLD”. I am not 30 years or age, nor 40. I am approaching 60. And, well, in the reality of logic, I will not be producing another 30 years. I will not be producing another 20 years. At 60, I may not be producing another 20 minutes. To HELL with the fact that I still am able to bicycle to my job, through rain, over mud roads, in and out of traffic, through woodlands and past farm-lands, 6 and a half hours a day! To HELL with the fact that I still get up, in spite of a few aches and pains and can garden, mow lawns with a manual reel mower that’s only about 45 years older than I am! To HELL with the fact that I have a “work ethic” (which today is considered stupidity in the first place). I’m “OBSOLETE”! As I was asked: “You’re expected to be sitting quietly some-where, in a house or apartment, sipping soup and tea, staring blankly at a television NOT asking for help to keep working, producing, stay active. What’s WRONG with you? Any way you try to spin it, you’re a liability! Help YOU? Oh yeah. I ‘help’ you today an tonight, in your sleep, you have a stroke. I lose. I ‘help’ you today and you get on your feet and off to work you go to the job where you have a heart attack and drop dead. Yup. I lose again. If I give you 5 dollars or 500 dollars, my friend? YOU are a ‘scratch-off lottery ticket’, nothing more, nothing less… a bit of paper with some insane odds against you of providing a sensible return on my investment. You’ll drop dead, or be diagnosed with some kind of illness in short order. So rather than looking for ‘help’ to continue on a life that’s no longer yours, if you had any sense at all, you’d be taking advantage of the time you have to enjoy your gardening and your bike-touring for what it can give you because this is ‘it’. And the sooner you face that fact, the better off you’re going to be. At least when you kick off, it won’t be because of all the anxieties you’re piling on yourself. My friend? You’re OLD! There aren’t even any CARS on the road as old as you.”
And having given this thought, over a nice coffee, as the breezes blew in the clouds of a Summer storm, calmly, quietly, seriously and sincerely, I realised: it’s true… I’m “OLD”. Too old. And I am from a generation that is all too slowly, for anyone’s comfort, dying off and away. My grandparents came from the generation where people who had a loaf of bread would call someone who had no bread in to sit and dine together. There was no “investment” and no expectation of “return”. There was one who “had” and one who “had not” and the one who “had” shared. My parents were children in the “Depression” era, who saw their parents giving when they could and receiving when they had to. My parents learnt and taught: If you have 5 dollars and someone has none and needs, if you give one dollar and 3 others do the same, there… that person with nothing now too has 4 dollars and you still have 4 dollars, now BOTH of you can go shopping, buy some food and cook a meal together. Not only do you have more food, but you have wonderful company to share your meal with.
Today, I am in a world where my “5 dollar” generation is on a rapid decline. I am in a world where it becomes increasingly obvious that “good deeds” are punished severely and criminal actions are sanctioned… but even then, only the most heinous of criminal acts… the lesser are either over-looked or simply addressed with a reprimand. Today, I, and some others like me, are in a world where kindness is seen as senility, and the “OLD” are worth less than even the plastic wrapper on a new cell phone. That plastic can be recycled… “OLD” people are just in the way until they die and then they’re a pain in the arse to get rid of. And to think I’d even have the audacity to entertain the notion of asking for “help”! Guts, balls and belligerence!
Well? Indeed… this is what the “World” has come to of late. There are left, to the best of my own knowledge (which, sadly, still serves rather well in this OLD body), a mere, well, I most certainly can count, and need only 1 hand of 5 fingers to do so, those whom I can say that I “KNOW” to be as we “OLD” people once were. And if I can only find 5 or fewer, and they can find only 5 or fewer and I am in their count…? In a matter of some days now, I will be rolling into my 60th year on this Earth… rolling, more than likely, on the wheels of a bicycle… NOT a push-chair of any kind (just to be clear). And as I roll along, still on that back road, dirt and stones and pot-holes and wash-aways, at the rate this is all going, I’ll be looking forward to that next turn in the road, because, even if that turn isn’t the last, as I keep moving along, moving forward, pedalling and planning the gardening and yard work and errands of the next moment or the next day, I’ll keep moving forward… forward… forward… and now, with my better understanding of how people are today, how the “World works and functions” today, no matter how difficult this bicycle journey over the dirt road might be, I’ll be quite happy now…
HAPPY TO BE CLOSER TO DEATH.
20.10 I posted the diatribe to fessebook. “Likes”. Right. OK. It’s truth. Posted. Fuck it. – L. took Jester to the MD today. Jester goes into surgery on the 11th. They’re telling him he’ll be discharged on the 12th! Healthcare. What a fucking nasty shit. back surgery and they send him 
out. Well, aside from the pain and suffering from the cutting, he’ll be dealing with the dogs barking. But that much is, well, only the fault of the house. They don’t correct it? They live with it. – When they returned, B. was with them. Apparently he’s cut back on his “tobacco”, no more pipe. Can’t afford it. You know what? I know what that’s like… and there’s nobody and never has been anybody to lend help… although I do wish there was something I could do… but I can’t. AND… I thought I had a week of work coming in August… NOVEMBER! So… the 95$ I got today/tomorrow? That’s pretty much “it” for a while. I’m sick of this shit. – Time to “set the clock”. Look for nice weather. Check-the-fuck-out. I’m at the end. OK. So it’s “again”. But truly… I just can’t stand this shit anymore. I can’t do for me. I can’t do for others who need. And fuck me… 60th year? Nah… who the hell ever thought I’d make it this far? Nobody, really. – I’m ready for bed. Tomorrow, 20% chance of rain after 13.00. I have to get to the CU, pay the fucking phone (though I don’t know why I bother). Leaves me with 40$ to live on for the next 2 weeks. Not good. And nothing more toward the car. NOT GOOD at all. – Tired. Just fed up. And I’ve come to think that it’s one of those “plans”… to keep certain people down. I’m too old and it’s time to shove me out. If I had the gumption, I’d stay just out of spite. – Oh
… and the new drivers’ license? I need proof of residence! I need to come up with mail that proves where I “reside”! This fucking shit is “Brave New World” and I didn’t like the book then… and I sure as shit don’t like living in it now. It’s all going “Federal”! The license part I blame on California for giving them to ILLEGALS! AND… NYC too for their “IDs” and shit. It’s just made the whole country a pain in the arse. If I had a place to go to, I’d head HOME, not to die but to LIVE. But I can’t figure that one out. Sure as shit can’t go to Viv. So once again… the “WAKE THE FUCK UP!” call, loud and clear. – Well.. I’m going to try for some sleep now. I had a HUGE lunch of cottage cheese AND sour cream. The gal at the store found that combination “interesting”. I grew up with it. I wonder… was it a “family” thing or a “German” thing or what? But it was filling. Then I had 3 jelly donuts and just now, 2 peanut-butter/frosting rolls. There are 3 jelly donuts left… I’m not in the mood. But tomorrow morning I want to be on the bike to the CU… MORNING! It’s going to be a little difficult because of the axles and bearings. But I will do what I must… as usual. One of these days… DONE!