Friday 1 January 2016: 24.14 (which is, technically, Sat.2.Jan. but fukkit) The day is, at LONG last, done! I am CLEAN! Sitting on CLEAN bed linens. My clothes and jammies are CLEAN. It’s Shabbat… and all is CLEAN! And I’m in a room where the temperature is and incredible 25°! It’s January and the temperature in this room is 25°! In all the time I’ve been here, THIS is a FIRST! TO be in this room when the temperature is so HOT! Warmth in this room? From whence does it come? Well, for one thing, since the freak is gone, the door is open during the day. Perhaps? I don’t know. The freak quite probably made the entire place miserable. (Ask Lyle, he’d agree, no doubt.) – But it was a “difficult” sort of day… I woke when I did, having slept through the 3 alarms that I’d set when I finally got to bed at almost 4.00 this morning. And I mean, I slept through them… didn’t hear a single one. And when I woke, I thought it some-where round 9.00 or may 10.00… IT WAS NOON WHEN I OPENED MY EYES! NOON! I got up, stripped the bed, got my clothes together for wash-day, had my coffee and headed out the door to Jacquie’s. She had to be at work by 9.00 so Hallie was alone for most of this morning. This Friday commenced. – As I left, B&L were still very much asleep. Of course. – At Jacquie’s, the *work* was there, waiting and ready to be done. Clothes, including the new jeans, went directly into the washer as I had my “morning loo”. I brought Hallie out for a bit and began, immediately, getting the kitchen cleaned up a bit. Honestly… I don’t know HOW anybody can have a house and let it go so much to shit. “Comfortable” is one thing… “Filthy” is quite another. Between her place and this place where nobody bother to even “tidy”. I mean… seriously. A broom, a duster, a Hoover… nothing. “Cozy and cluttered” is one thing. “Frigging filthy” is… well. That’s what I’m in the world for. As the old adage from back when Joyce and I were together went, as it was either Nikki Giovanni or what’s-her-name the singer (how blank my brain is becoming) put it: “Some people build castles in the sky… My mother cleans them.” Some people have their “castles” and do shit-all-fuck-all to maintain them… I do the work… they whine about the quality of my labours. It’s not worth the mention though. ANYWAY…. *I* brought the new bag of dog food in and put it into the container in the kitchen, then got to business… cleaning round the wood stove and hauling in the fire wood for Sunday when Jacquie returns… and enough for, I should think, Monday as well. It’s interesting to think how much of it she goes through, tossing more wood into the stove. But then, when the bulk is already hauled… it’s easier that way to just move through it. (Unlike in the pit where, here too, I hauled in a bag of pellets again this evening as Bob laid naked on one recliner as is his wont, and Lyle lay on the other recliner, diddling with his “smart phone”… as is his “purpose”… and both of them expected that I’d haul and empty the pellets.) – The floors got swept, the kitchen got tidied a bit, the wash got washed and I stacked the wood. Then it was back to the barn to check on “Mme. Blanche-Noir” (the hen). Poor thing, locked in the barn. But she’s better off in there, protected from the snow and cold. I moved the bales of hay from the front by the door back into the little back room where she roosts these days. Stacked them up on their sides to raise a bit of a “nest” up off the floor and into an inner corner, away from the cold exterior wall. Pitch fork and all, and apparently, she appreciated it because when I looked into the room, she’d already gone to the top of it. I hope it serves to give her some comfort. – Back in the house, with more fire-wood, I actually made a fire in the stove for today. Jacquie said that I should, if I were to spend any time there and today I most certainly did. And maybe it was because of last night and getting to sleep late, but I was chilly and the fire felt good… but there was a fire in the stove. I’ll have to clean the thing out now. But… no prob. – Whilst the wash washed, I got onto the fesses-book and there was David, so we chatted back and forth a bit as I “browsed” my “soc.med.” From his words, it appears he’s grown rather “attached” to me o’er the “ether”. In spite of being alone and “up and over there in ME”, I find it “troubling” that he could become so involved with a stranger (and I am) over the soc.med. Particularly at this age. Now, it’s not for me to “judge”, and I don’t, I merely state my point of view, but at the age of 68, one might expect him to be more “sensible”? But, then, I look at L. here and, well… there’s neither “sense” nor “maturity” in that there, so I suppose it’s true that “age” has nothing to do with maturity nor good sense. Still, it might be a touch on the “annoying” side but the distance between us and the fact that I’m most certainly not “stable” here in this place in this state and am more than ready to pick-up, pack-up and go gives some sense of “security” for me. I KNOW… and indeed I do “KNOW” that my “reservation” of involvement will, eventually, become a grave point of contention. But, so be it. I’ve not control over how others behave and don’t care to. – Enough.. moving along with the day.. I didn’t get back to make the bed and such until about 16.30! Time spent at Jacquie’s was “normal” but because of the late start… the day was all but shot! AND… I had some “Publicity work” to do for the book… and had to be back to get dinner for Ms. Hallie in about 2 hours! When I arrived, B&L were where they could be expected: B. naked on one recliner, L. diddling on the phone in the other. “Hello.” “Hello.” and I came to the room to make the bed and prepare to return to Jacquie’s to feed Hallie and to shower me! My “weekly” shower… and not even in my place of residence… as usual. – I got the bed made, clothes put up and as I worked on posting “New Year’s” images and such on the social media (which is now 3 places on fesse-book, 2 places on “twits-line”, 2 places on “tmblr” and a place on “ell-no” and “suzie” (all places that I won’t mention by name because I post this on-line and the internet is intrusive and I’ll give those soc.meds. NO free connections nor publicity), came the call to dinner. Tonight they were having kielbasa and kraut. Indeed, it sounded delish, but for the past 2 days my stomach has been horrid, by bowels just running and such… 3 evenings of pork products and my body is rejecting it horribly and painfully. So I passed on the offer, knowing that I didn’t have much in the way of my own food. – By 19.30 I was back up and out and toddling back to Ms. Hallie. There, again… I got her dinner together and prepared MY “dinner”: those “cheese curds” from the market, tossed into a pan with some oil and butter, and frank rolls on top… “grilled cheese”. Quite good indeed! A bit on the salty and oily side, but quite good… and NO PORK! Not too filling, but just enough for the moment. After which… SHOWER TIME! A shave, teeth scrubbed, me scrubbed and the day was to come to a close… Shabbat was here, and me? Well… I left Jacquie’s at about 20.30 with the little electric radiator on. I’ll let the stove burn out over-night but the “cold” is expected to return so the little heater will give some warmth. Hallie had had her stroll, only once round the house though. And she’s in such a playful mood of late it was painful to leave her alone again. But… – There was a light flurry in the skies this evening. Winter… not much more time for it. – When I got back to the pit, the two were where they’d be… reclined. I came to the room and got back to the “holiday” posts on the soc.med. and did all I needed to do.. OH! BUT OF COURSE, I BROUGHT IN A BAG OF PELLETS! AND THEY’RE RUNNING THROUGH THE BAGS ON THE PORCH EVER SO RAPIDLY! WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING WITH THEM? I haul from shed to porch… ah… but then, it’s the same as at Jacquie’s: I’ve made it easier for them to get the wood… so they just run along through it all. How charming. Such is life – At about 22.00 I went for my last smoke of the day. B&L were in bed but when I came in from my smoke… with the dogs, L. was standing in the kitchen… can’t sleep. I was terrified that there’d be the invite to late tea or something, but made it clear: I was off to bed! Apparently the freak is posting “love and best wishes” to the (landlords who broke his shoulder). “I want so much to post ‘What part of ‘drop-dead’ do you not undersand?” says L. But he can’t because of the Restraining Order, and he realises that. “I WISH you’d post it.” says he to me. Me? My reply: “I’d considered posting something, but I refuse to bring myself that low… to his level. No… I refuse to go that low.” to make it abundantly clear that THEY are, in my opinion, SO much beneath my own standards of dignity. – Well… the sinus/tooth/face/head pain are back in full swing again tonight. I’ve showered and cleared my sinuses… and sneezed, and schwitzed… allergies, no doubt… dog, dirt, dander, dumps. And now it’s time to try for SOME sleep… NOW! – HEY! ANOTHER YEAR GONE… ANOTHER YEAR COMMENCES… ANOTHER YEAR OFF MY SENTENCE OF PUNISHMENT IN THIS PRISON CALLED ‘LIFE’! IT’S A GREAT TIME TO BE OLD! MAY THIS YEAR BE THE YEAR OF MY RELEASE! I SHALL STRIVE TO MAKE IT SO.

Sat.2.Jan: 7.44 This morning, up shortly after the 7.00 alarm… I’m up from morning smoke with Ms. Ellie. She followed me down the stairs. Odd, but Dixie didn’t. How strange when that happens. Ellie’s now picked up on the opportunity to get out for a while… with me. I sense that they both sense that they have a “companion” in me. Well, when one thinks about it, their “owners” pay them little-to-no attention. How terrible. – Miriam Pfifferling came to mind this morning as I had my smoke, and watched the hawk soar through the cold air and into the pines behind the wood-shed. “Autumn Leaves” and the park. And how Margot had such a dislike for Miriam. And… by now, Miriam too, is gone. So much, so many… gone. And this year… my 61st year comes. – Thoughts of David, and Bradshaw, and relationships, and the pain of when they end. I’ve no more capacity for any of that. I’ve little capacity for much of anything any more. – “Chronic pain”. My back still hasn’t gone “right” since that horrid day of pain. It probably won’t, ever again. – These are the “run-down” days. And I’ve no doubt it’s only going to get worse. And yet, I’m still the one hauling fire-wood for Jacquie, hauling pellets for these two here (when one of these two is perfectly capable of hauling his own but won’t). – Lyle’s on the recliner in the parlour. Bob is in bed. That recliner is probably part of keeping Lyle about. With all his weight, sleeping flat on that bed would probably put him “out” – And, isn’t it strange how, on the change of the year, the wishes are all for “the best”, and “happiness” and such… and here it is, the 2nd day already… and nothing’s changed. Same shit. Different digits. – I need to close 2015. I’ve been remiss at keeping up with this. But I truly should. And, one of these days, I should put all of this bull-shit together some-where, some-how… for some reason. – I honestly and sincerely, just don’t give a shit. – 8.22 I’m catching up with yesterday’s events, Bob’s apparently awake and the stench of that pellet stove is wafting into the room. Imagine this: he must be cleaning the stove out! How… charming. “Doing” something. GOD FORBID! – 10.42 Just caught-up with the 31st and all and am up-to the minute here, at Jacquie’s kitchen table, tea at my side, the wood stove set for a lighting tomorrow. A chilly, damp sort of morning… thankfully it’s still morning. I got the dishes washed and in the rack to dry, stove set-up, floor swept a bit. I’ll damp mop tonight… when Shabbat is done. – I’d like to get back to my room, but I dread the “Could I ask you a favour?” that I KNOW will be coming. AND more pellets need to be brought from the shed to the porch and I do NOT want to get into that TODAY! – As I got ready to come over here (to Jacquie’s) this morning, I remembered the other day when I was still in jammy-sweats and L. said “Be comfortable. If it’s your week-end you should relax.” WHAT the fuck is a “week-end”? Time-down? Really? Everybody makes certain that I don’t get that. “I will ask you….” “Could I ask you to….” “If you wouldn’t mind…” (And if I do? I’m a dick.) Oh well… I’m going to finish off the cottage cheese and sour cream… tell Jacquie that it had gone “strange” but I’ll eat something before leaving here. At least it’s quiet… Chilly… but quiet… for now… for a change. I need this “quiet” in my days. (I also need a bit of a BM this morning too. I had to … the urge passed.) – 20.32 CAUGHT-UP WITH THE POSTS ON-LINE HERE! AT LAST! – 23.53 Well it was quite the day in the old house here. As I went Hallie-sitting, Bob cut the wood door with the coloured glass panels and installed it in the wall over the stairs. I have to say that when he gets into his projects, he certainly can do wonders. The window looks wonderful! And Lyle? The usual, finding faults and such. Now, instead of enjoying the window, he’s focused on getting the trim painted. I’m sensitive to that attitude and ingratitude. It’s too much a reminder of my entire life-time: no matter what one does… there’s somebody who is ungrateful. But, the bottom line is: the window is such an improvement and it does look very nice… indeed. – I was invited to dine on kielbasa and kraut again this evening but I declined. I can’t take any more pork products. My guts are still “cleansing” from all the previous port and I’ve got that dull pain in the right side again. But when I went over to to Hallie-sit, I stopped at the store and got one of those “fried chicken” dinners (the last one in the store), a small pizza and some cheese “curds” and, at about 18.30, I tossed them into the micro-wave. Extra cheese on the pizza, and the chicken “dinner”. It really wasn’t enough to kill my appetite, but it was something… and not pork. And Ms. Hallie, the sweet-heart, and I, took 2 strolls round the house. – I actually had to laugh tonight: Jada and I got to talking when I went to the store. She was telling me that she’s better about the PO job now that they’re leaving her alone there. But she’s still looking for more Fed work. I suggested Border Patrol… she’s 38! She looks older but acts much younger. But when I said something about getting the Border Patrol job, she wasn’t too thrilled about it. I said “Why not? Think about it. You could get to sit in that little brick house up there at the Morses Line all day and do nothing.” and she replied “Or sit in front of Dick Wright all night. I see them do that all the time.” Well… the very thought of our attitudes toward what should be considered such a “prestigious” position got me literally laughing. We, in the border towns up here in the North, know so much better than the rest of this worthless “nation”. And it falls right in line with what I keep telling people: the time has come when we, the citizenry, can no longer depend on our government and law enforcement to protect us and ours. It’s time to take the matters and issues into our own hands and protect ourselves, and what it ours. The time has come to this. And, aside from our-selves and what we are willing to do for us… we’re a lost nation. – OK… that aside, I’m happy to be caught-up with this journal. Not thrilled about beginning another year… but keeping up with all of this. For what? I don’t truly know. By the time any-one ever reads any of this, it won’t make any impression at all. People have moved into such apathy of late… these words are simply bit and bytes in an other-wise over-packed ether. But I continue with them anyway. – Another day-into-evening chatting with David. He’s taken to sending “revelations” with his posts and chats… personals, as it were. I should find it all enticing and I probably should appreciate it more, but my general attitude toward so much prohibits. And I find that my “trust” in others is diminished so terribly much. I’m almost waiting for the drastic drama to drop on my… at any moment now. And I’m more focused on “me” and being prepared for the horrors to come… either being tossed from this house, or having an over-due border battle to begin. Politics… and Life… and neither are positive these days. – But at 22.20 this evening, I got the “Gaston” prose blog copied onto another working file to be re-printed. I wonder if, with my own efforts to sell, if this one will be any better. It’s no longer on Amazon. And “Bitter-Sweet Bitterness” will have to be re-done as well. It angers me to know that neither Nancy Lloyd nor Eduardo Wilder even bothered to actually edit, as they’d promised. Rather, they let it go to publish, with all of the errors… they bought it, at 9,99$ and posted “reviews”. Ah… toss tokens and walk away. THAT IS WHAT I GET FOR TRUSTING ANYBODY! How THAT stupidity has changed these days. – Well, the day is ended, I fed the dogs this evening. If Lyle actually DOES feed them… GOOD. The poor things were so hungry when *I* fed them. I wouldn’t doubt that nobody gave them breakfast! And I had to put water into their bowl. Fucking pisses me right all to Hell and off… people with their little animals and they actually abuse by ignoring them. Fucking shits… the lot. But then again… people do the same thing to other people… Time for “humanity” to step aside and let the next species take over. Humanity is a failure. – And this day is done.

Sun.3.Jan: 6.06 Yes… 6.06 and I woke before the 7.00 alarm, on my own. Woke, from a DREAM:
I was doing something but I can’t recall what it was, but Dixie had found a yellow, foam insole and was trying to swallow it whole. She started to gag on it and I tried to get it from her, to pull it from her mouth. She’d swallowed almost all of it by the time I got to her and as I tried to take it from her mouth, Ellie got in my way. The insole disappeared down Dixie’s throat, she choked and I was angry with Ellie. I tried to shake and squeeze Dixie to get her to cough-up the insole but it was too late and I woke, in a rage, angry with Ellie.
Nice beginning to a day, and a dream that makes no sense at all. But here I am… awake. And as I woke, the plow passed in front of the house. But the road is only wet, no snow. I wonder. And I’m up from a smoke, with Dixie. It’s not cold out there, but there’s a light dusting of snow on the back porch. Hmmm… – I wonder. – 3 Jan. already. This month is going to pass quickly. And the car… that’s all I think of now in the morning… the car. – Well… on with the day. “Dunes Sojourner” to be re-written. – 22.40 IN BED AT LAST. It’s been a rather long, and occupied day. The snow kept falling all through the day. Lightly, but steadily and enough to keep covering what I shoveled. I got Hallie her breakfast and stoked the wood-stove by about 10.30 this morning. Then, got right to the business of clearing snow. First, at Jacquie’s on the back stoop, then the front and back at 5225. Thrice for each, all told through the day. I’m working on another make of “Dunes Sojourner” and managed to get the covers for it, front and back. – Bob was up and awake early this morning and when I went out for morning smoke, he was already in the kitchen… washing machine going, and making a “ham salad”. It’s what’s for dinner. – During the day, I worked on the new book and Bob and Lyle took off for a while… they went to get paint and Bob painted the trim round the new window over the stairs. I have to say: It truly is quite beautiful! It makes such a difference in the place. It was SO annoying to me though, that Lyle is NEVER, EVER appreciative of anything, always whining about something. He didn’t like something about the trim round the window, was annoyed because there’s a “scuff” in the centre pane of glass, didn’t like the light bulb in the lamp Bob wanted to install over the window to illuminate it and the stairs… Just never thankful for anything. The more it goes on, the more it all resembles Margot, that sense of “Entitlement”, the “spoiled brat” bull-shit… Interesting, how people who do nothing can never simply say “Thank you” to others who do for them. Interesting and annoying and disgusting. But, it is as Jacquie’s Liz put it: He’s a spoiled brat… always was… and that’s all there is to say about it.” He… and Margot… and the world of that ilk. – Well, the window is truly beautiful where it is and how it is. Bob did a wonderful job! AND… with the exception of one bit of framing, one strip only, it looks quite beautiful. I mean to say, he even went to the barn, brought in the ladder and painted the casing on the stairs. No help, of course, from the spouse. Oh well. – It must have been round about 15.30 or so when I went back out to shovel more snow and to head over to Jacquie’s just to touch base and get out of the house. I’d eaten 5 donuts (the bulk of my eating all day) and needed to move about some-how. (For some reason, it appears I’m a touch constipated today. Hmmm… I wonder why. Hopefully this isn’t the precursor to back troubles… again.) She was in and lying down. She’d fallen over the week-end and scraped her chin. Even as I type, the empathetic pain I feel. The “damage” wasn’t too awfully bad… a scrape. But it’s the thought of coming down hard on pavement that hurts ME. But it’s a scrape. Should be fine. And…. she was at work so there where things that could be done immediately to clean the wound and dress it. More than I can say for me, should such a thing happen. And I can’t be TOO sympathetic, considering, when I was truly disabled with my own back pain, I was left alone and still there’s been nothing much in the line of sympathy. (“I will ask you…” and let’s not forget the wall-and-ceiling washing…) As I was there, her Kaylah/Kailah/what-ever came to give her some rent money and she immediately pulled 100 and gave it to me for the kitchen work. She truly is fair that way. I didn’t really want to take the cash, but she put it into my cap. She’s insistent that way too… and fair. (I wish I could get it to the banque… so that I can use it on the card. But… we’ll have to wait and see where that’s concerned. It’s not enough to get the car on the road, but…) We had a light “dinner” of “garden carrots”… we’re still eating from the garden! And fish and rice. It was really quite delicious. I could have done with more food, but I’m thrilled… NO PORK! We both took Ms. Hallie out for a walk round the town this evening, as the snow fell and drifted. That was rather nice. And I need the walking. And back in the house to watch a bit of the news. I left there, round about 20.30 or so… Dodged “dinner” at the pit, which is something I’d wanted to do anyway… “ham salad”… more PORK! – Well then, shoveling and such done for the day, tonight the temperatures are expected to plummet! I put in a good day of working… sidewalks and back-yard paths and the likes. – OH! MUST NOTE: AS I WAS CLEARING A PATH TO THE BACK OF 5225 AND CLEANING THE FRONT WALK, BURT MAYNARD CAME BY IN HIS TRUCK, WITH PLOW AND, EVEN AS I SHOVELED, HE PLOWED THE SNOW RIGHT BACK WHERE I’D JUST CLEARED! AS I WAS RIGHT THERE! A bit later, I was in the store, chatting with Jada about how she’s over-whelmed by the 1412 and the PO and such and he came in… said nothing to me, nor I to him… but as I left the store… I actually held the door so as not to let if close on him as he left. In all sincerity… I FUCKING HATE THIS TOWN! – And so, I’ve taken 2 Aleves. I feel the “sinuses” bothering me. I’m allergic to something about Hallie. When she gets that “dog odour” something’s wrong and my sinuses are sensitive to it. So the Aleve should help with sleep tonight. I could use a nice shower. The “dog smell” is stuck in my nostrils and I’d feel better about being clean, but that’s not to happen tonight..Still… I’m drifting off from the tablets… good thing… Hopefully tomorrow will be a “civil hour” to start the day. Why? I never know… It never matters and it never makes any sense.

Mon.4.Jan: 6.18 And the windows are frosted solidly. Just up from morning smoke and the air out-side is “crisp”. Indeed… Winter has arrived, as it was forecast. – Lyle is ensconced in the recliner, tunes and such on the phone. Yes, he’s awake. Of course, that’s on for a while, he’ll be asleep very shortly… one can hope. A shame, really, that I almost dread the need to chat. But, I see him as Margot. “I will ask you….” or “Bob was wondering…” Another one of those “Never Happy, Never Content, Never Appreciative”. – I need to catch the notes from yesterday. And for the rest of the day? Even at Jacquie’s, there’s something that “needs to be done”. Honestly… again, this morning I think “Home and house-owners… with no responsibilities for their own. Best to have somebody else do the work.” Yes, it’s true: Here, I do to earn my keep. There I do to earn a few dollars and a place of ‘refuge’.” But all the while, THEY do nothing, to earn a place on the planet. Oh well. – I woke even before the 5.30 alarm this morning. The temperature in the room: 18°. I’ve got the little heater on… to take the chill away. – 24.17 l got out of the room at about 13.30 today and shoveled the front and back of the house here again and whilst I had the energy, brought about 15 bags of pellets up onto the porch. 40lbs per bag. And I did it alone. Of course. I’d heard Lyle (Queen Bee) telling Bob something about “trying to keep warm” in the house. Well… I thought that if it was so cold, he could get a bag from the porch and put it into the stove. There’s a scoop there to make it easier and truly, he needs to DO something But, again, another Margot: whine and bitch and blame others. So? I went over to Jacquie’s, intending to merely drop in and come back. But there, there was more to be done… the light fixture on the ceiling fan… and I cleared her walk-way in the back of the house and brought in more wood for her stove as well. Bringing in wood for stoves that do ME no good at all. Life… this is if. – Well, we did have a nice bit of salmon with potatoes and carrots (carrots still from the garden!) and squash… also from the garden. And as we ate, she commented “A lot of people got a lot of squash from the garden.” Yes, THEY did. THEY got a LOT from the garden. How nice… rather the “ultimate” when one thinks: I’ve fed “a lot of people”. How kind of me. – Well, it was about 22.00 when I finally left Jacquie’s and when I got back to the pit, the very first thing: let the dogs here out to pee. Ah-hah! Poor things… 2 people in the house… 2 people who SHOULD be responsible for the dogs. Oh well… – It’s really quite bitter-cold tonight. It was 21° in the room when I got here. I’ve closed the door and the temperature is dropping rather steadily. 20° now. A cold night ahead, and I’m feeling most shitty… I’d like a shower. But no… – A little hungry, I tossed some oatmeal into the little plastic container to have something to eat before sleep… if I get any of that. My tooth and head have been bothering me for most of the day as well. I wonder what it’s all about… that pain. – Jacquie wants me to go with her to BTV tomorrow. I don’t actually want to go. Most likely, she wants me to go with her to attend Hallie whilst she does her errands and probably go to Costco and such. I’d really rather not. I DO need to get to the market for some food (over 300 on the FS card and no way now to get food? Typical me.) – But it’s chilling rapidly in the room now… it should be an interesting morning… temperature-wise. – Posted 5 pictures of Tilden (including the message Sully wrote on the wall at SpyderHole) to fesses-book with Mat and Tommy “tagged”. It’s painful, looking at those shots… Gone… more “good” in my “life”… gone. – And so too… this, another day… gone.

Tue.5.Jan: 8.25 And I heard the alarms and dozed again this morning. – It’s -10° out-side, 17° in the room. And I feel as though I’m in a bad drunk this morning. Stomach off. Head off. Just “not well” this morning. And asking myself “What are you going to DO when you get back to NY?” 61 years old… what am I going to DO? Write books? Nice. But about what and how and all the rest of the questions. – And Jacquie has to go into BTV today and wants me to go too. And my stomach doesn’t want me to. And I know that I’ll be “in charge” of Hallie if I go, and I don’t want to do that either. – And I’ve got the terrible feeling that this Summer is going to be “bad” for me. No job and not being well. – It’s morning… and another day. – The sky is clear. The windows are frosted-over. But where I cleared the snow yesterday is still clean. And the house has gone through 3 bags of pellets since Bob got in yesterday. More pellets need to be brought in. Much to “do” here. And I’m not in a “good” mind-set. – Morning… again. – For years now, having nothing, losing everything. The lies of siblings and the lies form the job at the PO here. Lies. Behind my back. I’m sick of it. SICK! – 24.06 and finally back t bed after quite the day… Pfutzed this morning with some photos for the next book and went to Jacquie’s round about noon thinking she’d be gone but she wasn’t. SOoooo… at 13.00 we left… and off to BTV. Well! We left Hallie behind because it was another crisp day and poor Hallie seems to have a touch of arthritis in her hind legs (poor thing.. she’s been through HELL lately… more reason I fucking hate “Life”… there’s no justification for her to have any pain). So Jacquie drove down to BTV, went to the banque and we headed down the Shelburne Rd. to Panera’s where, at last, we used the 25$ card that Penny had given me 2 Christmases ago. For a half sandwich (which was one slice of bread) with a bit of “steak” and arugula, a tiny bowl of onion soup, a tiny bag of crisps and a small coffee for me and a half panini steak and cheddar sandwich, bottled water and an apple… then A walnut muffin and A pain au chocolate… 26,33$! FUCK! OUTRAGEOUSLY expensive! BUT… as we sat and enjoyed, JESS showed up. Came looking at me and kept asking “Aren’t you Jude?” I thought he was kidding but apparently he only half-recognised me. No matter… we had the greatest little time. Imagine, meeting somebody from town… THERE! Not to mention that I’d been reminiscing about my “introduction” to Vermont on that very road and how often I’d walked from the North Star into town and such. One thing I must note: It did NOT “feel good to be in BTV”. I don’t miss it, wasn’t “thrilled” at all. But it WAS a delight to have a bite of lunch with Jacquie and Jess… NOT in Fuklin! Well… we lunched and we all left together. Jess returned to work and Jacquie took me over to U Mall (more memories of the bus transfers there and Steve What-the-fuck in “Town Square” apartments). Jacquie wanted to show me some little store that was selling hand-crafts, but it was closed… one of those “holiday stores”. Oh well… we didn’t linger long and I got to drive back up to Fuklin which was quite nice. – At lunch, Jess said that he’s got one more CAD pay-cheque coming before he actually transfers to the BTV office and the he’ll be being paid US and said that with his first US cheque, he’s going to buy a copy of the book. “I want to see what’s in it!” (Whether or not he will… I’m not counting on it but… that’s what he said.) – We were back by 17.00 and Jacquie poured rum and Cokes for us and popped some corn… At 18.00 we watched the news, the the “O’Reilly” report and such until almost 22.00 again tonight! I didn’t want to be out or up this late! But… – When I got in, Lyle was awake, I brought the dogs out for a quick “do”, he and I chatted. He gave me a small bowl of some chili he’d made for them for dinner. He’d put chicken in but Bob ate all the chicken out of it. Still.. it was quite good, I must admit. Well.. of course… I don’t believe the dogs got fed tonight so Lyle gave them each half-cup of food (I’ll give them more tomorrow… he should be asleep most of the day since he’s got the TV blaring even as I type at 24.25.) And… I was off and up to bed for the night. – Having a hot “cider” now and will do a quick “check-in” on the soc.med. – Alarms set for 5.30, 6.00 and 6.30. I do NOT want to sleep-in! ad enough I did this morning! – Oh… and today I wore the “Carolinas”, 3 socks no plastic bags… they’re actually comfortable. I can’t help but wonder what folks would think/say if they knew they’re from the dumpster. But, quite frankly, I don’t care. They “look good” and they serve a wonderful purpose. – Anyway, off to check the soc.med. and HOPE to sleep with all the thumping and shit from the TV. I don’t know HOW Bob manages to sleep through the shit.

Wed.6.Jan: 8.50 damn it! But I got my 6 hours of sleep. So I can’t expect anything earlier. And falling asleep this morning wasn’t easy because of the TV. It’s almost as if being back in NYC with the constant noise. The day is shot already. But I woke feeling rather dragged, had my coffee and smoke in the chilled air. About 20°F this morning and after the past couple of days, that feels almost comfortable. – I want to get to the market for food but have to wait until dark which bothers me because if the car breaks-down, I’ll be walking in the dark to get back to the pit and, quite honestly, I don’t look forward to that. – 8.53 and there’s stirring in the hall out-side the door… Lyle’s just come from the loo and I’ve no doubt that the dog want to go out. I’m just waiting for the tap on the door and the request “Would you take the dogs out?” It’s not so much that I mind taking them out as much as it is the fact that there’s no responsibility… it angers me, when I think of it: Dixie, Ellie and Hallie… not “mine” but… Well… it’s the matter of these dogs loving me, being so happy to see me… ME… because I’m the one who makes certain that they’re attended. – I need to get out of this situation. But how? – Nice… another morning with the same “trapped” feeling. And no way out. – Well… we’ve passed the 5th day of the month. January is running along. It’s going to be a very fast year, this one. The last? My last? That would be nice, very nice, indeed. – On with the day. – 21.55 In bed. Donuts and peppermint tea. – “They’re disposable… like people.” And Lyle laughed! – All day, I worked on images for the “Dunes Sojourner” and cleaning the duplicates and such. There isn’t much to put into this collection. And when I think of the TOMES of prose I’ve written and that’s gone now, I get angry. But… – So this afternoon, the VT Elec. Coop had a power surge and it put the lights out for a brief moment. Ah.. but it re-set all of the “surround sound” equipment and put out cell service and of course, Lyle, who has nothing else in life, got pissed and pissy. But today he got a bit of “advice” when I told him “Your life is only as miserable as you consciously choose to make it.” Truth and philosophy lost on the terminally obtuse. Yes, indeed. As I said: “I wake up every morning pissed because I woke up. But I have a day that I need to work with and in my Winter walks to St. Albans and such, I realised that it’s a conscious choice to make a day miserable or not.” I mean to say that my journals are FULL of bitching about being alive another day. But at day’s end, I’ve done something to make it a bit easier on me… Conscious decision. Says Queen Bee… at the age of 65 it’s too late to change. Ah… that one was all ready to take the next “Social Security” cheque and buy new equipment. Honestly! It’s no better than a 13 year old. I know, full well, that talking with that is futile. Oh well… – So this evening, when I got called for dinner, I ignored…. figuring I could say I had my iPod on with the ear-buds. At about 18.45 I stopped at the store for donuts, cheese, a tonic and licorice… healthy shit, and went to Jacquie’s for a rum and Coke and delightful news on the TV instead of the bull-shit that’s always on here. And we chatted, and I walked Hallie twice and will be “on duty” come tomorrow at about noon. No prob. – When I got back here a little while ago, I took the dogs (Moke and PP) out and they PEE’ED! Poor things. And they were all excited to be with me. And when we came in, I commented on how cute and precious they are and Queen Bee made the comment “I’d be better with-out them.” I merely stated “It’s all a matter of personal responsibility.” and when the comment came “I’ve been giving it a lot of thought.” that’s when I said “They’re disposable… just like people.” and that fatfuck LAUGHED! Seriously? I NEED to get the fuck away from this place and these… what-evers. Poor Dixie and Ellie… I KNOW they’ll be dumped on somebody else soon after I’m gone. I can’t be around people like this. I just can’t. – And so, I’m in bed… had 2 donuts. Will have my tea and hope like all Hell that I can drift off to sleep. I napped for an hour today, and then another 20 minutes. I hope I can just get to sleep tonight… get up early, get something done with my morning and get the fuck OUT of here! I NEED to get the book selling and some money to fix the car and GO! I’m back in “Shelter” mind-set. Hey! It worked back then… I can do it again! –
23.57 and the TV is BLASTING!

Thu.7. Jan: 6.05 And just up from morning smoke with the “girls”. I heard Bob leave. I heard Lyle’s voice. And now the house is quiet. – I have to say that that window on the stair-well truly IS quite beautiful, especially with the light that shines through it. (I wonder if the bulb will be changed when it burns out. I doubt it. But…) – Anyway, it’s another day and it’s beginning at a “normal” hour. And today begins the week-end of “2 houses”… again. Two houses… no “home”. – Its “tax time” too. I just thought of that this morning as well. Ah… 3 months of work for the entire year. This is another year of paying and receiving nothing. People just don’t understand. 27 years of no “refund” of “over-payment”. Oh well. 27 years of paying into a government that doesn’t give a shit. In a country that doesn’t give a shit. In a world that doesn’t give a shit. I want “out”. – (On Fri. morn.) So I worked on the prose book images for most of the morning, this morning. At about 11.30 I headed over to Jacquie’s to see what her news was and what, if anything, was to be “done” on the week-end. We chatted a bit. She’d gotten her tax papers together and oddly enough, I’d though about that this morning. Not that much of mine makes any difference… 3 fucking months out of the fucking year. – So we had a bowl of corn chowder… with chunks of… bacon. I’ll be sorry for that! But it was good and filling. By about 13.00 I was back at the pit… to find both Bob and Lyle in. – As I hear it, they left together this morning. Lyle went to emergency, not feeling well at all this morning. I didn’t know that he wasn’t in. He spends so much time in bed anyway that I thought he was still asleep when I left! Ah… and as the story goes: He thought he had cellulitis again but, according to him, he’s retaining fluid because of cirrhosis of the liver caused by the HepB. Prognosis: if the cirrhosis doesn’t take care of itself, he’ll go into liver failure and that will be the end of that. Neither of them appeared to be too terribly upset about the whole thing, although, Lyle was a bit weepy for a bit. Well… I did a bit of research on the matter on-line. Yes, it is a death notice… if it’s true. I shot a message off to David to see what his take on it might be. He pegged Lyle, not even knowing too much about him: obese, celulitis, diabetes, etc. And confirmed: transplant is the only hope, but Lyle is NOT a viable candidate for such a thing. Oh well. I didn’t mention the insulin OD but I can figure that it probably has much to do with this… if it’s true. – I had 2 slices of pizza with them this evening, just to do so, and watched a bit of TV with them, just to do so. – At about 19.00 I went to get Hallie her dinner and out for a stroll. Didn’t spend much time over there. I was back by about 20.10. PAIN! SINUS PAIN! HORRIBLE TONIGHT. Right side of my face… REALLY! It felt like my teeth were rotting away and my face was about to explode! I joked with David (briefly) that a decapitation would hurt less. At about 20.15 I took 2 AlevePM… at about 22.30 I took a 3rd before bed. But it was SO painful. – I can’t help but think: I’ve got NO health insurance and pain and such. And as Jacquie and I discussed just today… Lyle has his “Social Security” income… and for MOST of his life, he never paid into it. Me? I’ve been working most of my life and here I am, eligible… but not receiving anything… thinking of getting back to work… living off about 25$/week. Honestly… this fucking country, WORLD, is SO fucked. But… by about 22.45 or so… lights out, painful head on pillow. – I wonder what’s causing these sinus attacks… I wonder.

Fri.8.Jan: 6.27 Up from smoke with Dixie… and the TV is rumbling down-stairs already this morning. Bob is off to work. Lyle is ensconced in the parlour. And I’m in no mood for this day. But I woke with the alarms, so that much is fine for today. If anything is fine for today. – I have to fill-in yesterday though. – At least, for now, the pain is gone. – Yesterday’s pork is playing havoc with my gut this morning. A trip to the loo already and another to follow shortly, at the rate it’s feeling right now. – Well. 6.43.. thump-thump from the TV. It’s annoying, really. Just annoying. And this morning, the left side of my neck is stiff and sore. – Hopefully I’ll get me act together early and get bed-linens washed… then the week’s clothes and me. Friday… Shabbat. We’ll see…when the day is done. – 14.37 and…. THE BED IS MADE… FRESH LINENS! There’s wood stacked for the coming week, the kitchen floor is damp-mopped, Hallie had breakfast and was out from 10.30-14.00. And I am having a tea! – I fell asleep from about 8-9.00 this morning and did NOT want to wake! But I forced me to. I had this DREAM:
I was residing in somebody’s house (a fellow A.King from fesses-book – but in the dream it was Bob) on his sofa and he was having some work done in another room. I’d just finished working and wanted to lie down on “my” sofa when he came into the room and moved the sofa, with me on it, away from the wall saying something about the work in the other room being “more involved than” they’d thought. But essentially, it was a ploy to get me annoyed enough to leave… and I knew that. So, as I was getting up off the sofa and starting to pack my things… I woke from the dream and got to the day’s chores at Jacquie’s.
And so… I’m having my tea. Lyle’s in the parlour. I don’t have to be back for Ms. Hallie until about 18.00 or so… 4 hours to… relax… J’m’niaise. – 16.38 AND I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS! SHOWERED! DRESSED IN CLEAN CLOTHING! ROOM HOOVERED! AND I’VE GOT A LITTLE SHITTY SOMETHING TO POP INTO THE MICROWAVE AT JACQUIE’S THIS EVENING AND SOMETHING TO NOSH AT BED-TIME! DONE! THE DAY IS DONE! Bob pulled up in front of the house round about 15.30, tooted the horn and he and Lyle were off… I BOLTED for the Hoover, did the once-over in the room, then BOLTED for the shower here! Scrub, scrub, scrub and BANG! Dressed, out the door to the store, food and smokes and DONE DONE DONE!!! BEFORE SUN-DOWN! WOOHOO! – Now, to wonder what will come along to fuck it all up. But for now… WOOHOO!

Sat.9.Jan: 1.14 Well, well… I’m still awake, and ready to crash but here are the notes for the remainder of Friday… At about 18.30, I went over to get Ms. Hallie her dinner and whilst there, managed to wash my jacket and the “work” clothes. I put a bit of fabric softener into the rinse to take the “stale” odour out of the jacket, at long last. It’s been bothering me all along, and in spite of being washed twice already, it wouldn’t go away! Everything in that house has that odour and I wonder what it is… especially considering that the longer I stay in that house, the worse my sinuses react. Oh well… At least I got the chance to wash the jacket… AND, hopefully, the “Gain” softener will keep the odour away from now on. – I left Jacquie’s at about 20.30 and Bob and Lyle still weren’t back yet. To think, I could have taken advantage of the “alone” time… but how was I to know? Still, at least, the room got a light Hoover and I got a shower and such. “All” was not lost. – So I came into the pit to find that the pellet stove had run out AND the ash bucket was STUFFED FULL! WELL! Shabbat or not, it HAD to be handled and so… I emptied the bucket and cleaned the stove a bit, put in a bag and a half and brought an extra bag in from the porch. Voila. More work, dirty work, but it got done. – It’ must have been almost 21.30 when Bob returned… with-out Lyle. Lyle’s in hospital with E-coli. When I asked Bob how he could have possibly gotten that, (considering he doesn’t go out and certainly doesn’t eat raw veggies and the likes) Bob says they had burgers the other night and it might have been in the meat? But he (Bob) too may have had a bout of it and not even known. However, with Lyle’s bad liver and such, it’s a bit more serious. So the hospital is keeping Lyle for treatment, considering the liver involvement and such. This news isn’t “good” but… only time will tell. Bob and i discussed Lyle’s past and that everybody knows how spoiled he’s always been. Apparently, Bob’s aware of that… and then he told me about what it was like when he first got to VT… He went through his savings AND his retirement 401k to catch-up with bills that were over-due! He came in putting HIS money into this place from the beginning! THEN, so it goes, he sold a car and his bike… to pay bills! All the while, Lyle was getting his bit of income and when HE sold-off things… HE, Lyle, pissed the money away on things that HE wanted! WELL! Aside from the fact that Bob had the opportunity to leave from the beginning… We get he life we have, sometimes, because, well… we almost ask for it. Still… one can’t help but feel sorry. And it just supports my avoidance of any such “relationship” status with anybody else. I’ve no time, nor interest, nor energy to invest in such nonsnese. – OK… note du jour here: WOW! Did I get a nasty reply from that Ms. Faith Cassidy of E. Fairfield, on the fesses-book this evening! SHE and hers are all against Mr. Donald Trump running for president, and not so happy about his “visit” to the Flynn Theatre in BTV on Thursday. The media from both BTV and Plattsburgh are hitting him (Trump) hard and I made a statement on a post that Ms. Faith had re-posted to the fesses-book time-line with regard to all the retards that were “released” into society. SHE decided to take personal umbrage and demand that HER right to “Free Speech” be honoured! Ah… as is “typical” of the retarded these days, *I* am to respect *HER* right to express HER opinion, and yet, there’s to be no reciprocation. She’s “blocked” and dumped Ive no patience for stupidity. Quite honestly… I don’t give a shit one way or the other about them. And truly, should it come to it, I WILL defend ME… I will defend nothing and no-one else. This world is making me sick… physically. I tend to wonder, most seriously, what’s going on… why brain cells appear to be dying in most people these days. Ah… it’s a great time to be old… May I not be around too long to experience too much of it. – Anyway… the night is here, the day is done, I am clean, the linens and clothes and room as well… Shabbat… and I do believe it’s time to wrap it all up and close my eyes on it all. Tomorrow starts the same old shit again….. – 8.24 and I turned the 6.00 alarm off… then slept through the 7.00 alarm. Oh well. – But this morning, in spite of the “reality” of things, I seem to be able to handle the situation a bit better because the first thought of this morning was: I don’t want to stay in this state, the warmer weather will be coming and there will be jobs opening in NY… and I’ll go for them and get out of here. – True… my last thought before sleep last night (this morning) was that I’m actually rather proud of me, being dumped by the likes of Cindy Shedrick. She, and the rest of these morons, more than likely don’t like me because I’m a “thinker”, a sensible thinker. My politics and realities don’t match theirs… the liberal bull-shit that appears to be the general thoughts of the world of late. I don’t like the “refugee” situation in Canada, nor the one in Vermont. I don’t like the “freebies”. I don’t believe in sitting about and waiting to be handed benefits. I mean, Hell, I don’t have the free health care and I don’t have all the rest of the bull-shit that others appear to “enjoy”. I THINK. I WORK. And they don’t. Oh well then… The only thing that bothers me terribly is the news stations: WPTZ from Plattsburgh appears to have gone soft-in-the-head liberal as well. Bias, bias, bias. I just hope like Hell that that isn’t the way of the North Country in NY. NYC has gone that way. Hopefully the North Country hasn’t melted. Horrid thought, that. Rather frightening. – In other news, I wonder, this morning, about Lyle. And Bob. And I wonder what’s to come along. And I wonder how… Al married Mum after his mother-in-law and wife died and then went through that again. Bob had his Cecil die, and then he comes to VT to put up with it all over again. How is it that these people get that lot in life? Then again… I suppose, how is it that some do and some don’t? – Life… none of it is truly worth all the anxiety. It’s so quick and transient. And yet, people choose to make it a torture. And in doing so, they make it torture for the rest. – It’s a new day this, cloudy, the ice is melting. And here we go. – 23.00 IN bed a while now… tea done and so too, the last of the cookies and a donut. I had corndogs and chips with Bob this evening. I ate because I thought he’d appreciate the company… he called me when he’d heated them… I was up in the room. Off chance, he might actually be missing Lyle. After all.. I was sitting for a bit before going to get breakfast for Ms. Hallie and he suddenly got up, got showered and left to go to the hospital. – Well, I went over to get Hallie her breakfast, and I had 2 “fried” buns with butter, I did the dishes that were in the sink and not much more, since most of the “work” got done yesterday. Stayed for about 2 hours and came back to the room to work some more on images for “Dunes Sojourner”. – OH! And I checked my balance on my “TSP” (retirement fund from the post office). 330,73. Not exactly a “Retirement” but it’s a bit that I have, should I ever need it. I changed the allocations as well. I don’t know that it makes anything as it sits there. I’ll have to remember to check it from time to time. But it’s there. Hopefully it will do something. If not, I’ll have to think of something else to do with it. What a little bit of shit… 300. Oh well. – I napped… for about an hour today, whilst Bob was visiting with Lyle. And hour. I was SO TIRED! I’ve been SO TIRED lately. Mental exhaustion, mostly. – This evening, Bob called up for dinner. He’d done corndogs and chips. I went, mostly to keep him company. It was kind of him to offer and I suppose he appreciated some company. Still, I never feel “comfortable” partaking… but neither do I feel comfortable if I don’t. I’ll never get beyond the “You owe us a lot of money.” I should move past it, but I wont’. I don’t. (I was a “burden” at the age of 13… I’ll die with that too.) – By about 19.15 I went back to Ms. Hallie. Late, but still. I gave her a bit more food than usual and we walked round the house a few times. Bumped into the little Michael shit on the street. My, but he was cheerie this evening. Probably back on his meds. Funny, but this morning, Bert Maynard came through Jacquie’s yard en route from the post office and actually spoke… briefly, with me. Then, this evening, Michael. I wonder how many of them know how much I dislike and despise them all. Not that I give an actual shit. – So when I sent the “Evening Report” to Jacquie this evening… a message from her: Kerry is back in the States and wants them to go “snowshoeing” tomorrow. Well, there isn’t enough snow… at least not down here, perhaps more on the mountains or something. But I can’t help but think: YOU have a HOUSE AND A DOG and NO responsibility other than your job… and running about whilst the house is a mess and the dog is alone (save for when I’m there). As for Kerry? Fucking “Libtard”, as they’re called these days. And SHE TOO… with her “walks” and canoeings, and such things. OK. So I get a little cash from my “contributions” to the house there, but again… no responsibility for your pet. Not to mention: I get the house together and it doesn’t take but moments and the place is a mess again… and there’s time for “snowshoeing”. Honestly! It’s more about poor Hallie than much else that bothers me. She ignores Hallie… and here, they ignore Dixie and Ellie. Everything is “disposable”. Makes me sick! – Well, I left there at about 20.30, came back to the pit to watch a bit of TV with Bob. Lyle phoned and I got a couple of minutes to chat with him. The hospital’s removed 3l of fluid and they’re replacing his lost albumin and such. Bob says he’ll be in there “a couple more days”. Lyle sounded fine enough… Queen Bee there. Oh well. – Came up to bed at round about 21.00 to do a bit more work on the book. – Time for a last smoke… hopefully I’ll get up “on time” tomorrow morning and get on with the day… and what-ever it holds… Another day… yeah… right.

GET LEAD PIPE

Sun. 10.Jan: 7.41 Something’s “not right” this morning. I feel rather dissociated some-how this morning. I shouldn’t be here. And I don’t belong here. I’m in the “wrong” place. I don’t know where I should be, but “here” is not it. Almost like coming back to “calm” after a great anger. Just not “right”. – And it’s another “warm” morning. 40°F and wet. Cloudy and wet. Melting snow and wet. There’s grass in the back yard again. A lot of snow left, but the grass is there. – Something… “not right”. – 24.29 Quite the miserable day. Somebody got me banned on the Author page (and Homeless page as well) on fesses-book today… for 30 days. No book PR until the 11th of February now! OK. So it gives me time to get “Dunes Sojourner” AND “Bittersweet Bitterness” ready to re-launch. But it cuts the current adverts out! I’m fucking livid! – Add to that… I got Hallie her breakfast and started the wood stove at Jacquie’s and came back to the pit for a while. At about noonish, I went back to put more wood into the stove and the latch broke! It jams now. When Jacquie got home, she couldn’t open the damned thing and phoned ME! So… I went over, feigning surprise and got the door open. Ah… but as I was going over, she and Kerry came walking down the road! Hallie barked and came running to me. But I just can’t take Kerry any longer with her “liberal” support of the refugees and her blindness to realities. When I got to the house, Jacquie asked after Lyle so I told her the fact and truth… and she immediately returned to worrying about her damned stove. Nothing phases that lunatic. Nor her side-kick, Kerry. Well… Kerry left and Jacquie was cooking dinner and baking for them this evening. I’m to understand that Kerry, Jess, Pam and David were to be there. Me? I feigned some need to get back to the pit. “Come back later for dinner.” “Later”? TIME! None mentioned other than Kerry and Jess were to be there at 17.00 and… as Fate would have it, JUST as I was leaving the drive-way… there they were! I chatted nicely and left them to go in. Dinner with them? I should think not. I don’t “dine” with “that” kind of people. So I came to the pit to find Eric here and he and Bob were just sitting to dinner. Bob asked me to join. I jokingly said “What if I don’t want to?” and he jokingly (I hope) said “I don’t have a gun so I can’t force you.” I let the matter drop and came to the room… Later, I went to the store for cheese curd, peanut butter (samiches), cookies and smokes. Got into a chat with Jada who is fed up with the PO already. Cindy is playing her for an idiot. I warned Jada NOT to give too much because she’ll be resented. She confirmed that she already is. Oh well… as I told her: I consider it a compliment to be un-wanted in this area…. and told her I’m looking into NY, NH and ME. Mallets Bay is looking for somebody… I don’t want that area either… I want OUT of VT! Period! – Well then, this evening’s “chatting” with David was quite the quite! I even sent him some of my “Asus” photos. Says he… it’s been decades since he’s met anybody “into our” little farce, as it were. Admittedly, I’m a bit taken by it all as well. I don’t “trust” him any ore or less that I trust anybody else. But… I sent the images via the new fesses-book account for Ernest Lee Hemmingslax. Ernest also has a Twitter account now too along with the new e-mail. We’ll see how long this lasts. But from now on… fesses-book gets the whammy. I’ve reported them on Twitter with hash-tags and direct “tags” as well. “Censorship” is my banner. – At about 20.30 or so, some “queen” came by to see Bob. The voice and the cologne…! Bob was telling about the freak so I don’t know what the story is there. But they popped up and into the “boudoir” for a bit. Ellie drove me insane with her whining and got tossed down the stairs! My nerves are shot. – Now… I wonder about tomorrow. Lyle isn’t due back until about Wednesday. I don’t want to be in this house alone. Odd… I some-how felt more “secure” with the freak being here too. In spite of the fact that that shit was so 2-faced. But… now I’ll be here alone. – I’m on the last jar of coffee and have to figure how to get to the market for more this week! THAT makes me nervous. But, I’ve got work cut out for me now… finishing “Dunes Sojourner” and getting word out about it. I’ll be hitting the “Ello” and Twitter and Tumblr and Tsu too I suppose. Not to mention the WordPress. There’s WORK to be done! – Meanwhile, the temperatures are slowly dropping from the 50°F today and the winds are STRONG! There’s precious little snow left from what we had but more due during the week. – It’s about 23° in the room right now and I’m in bed… no jammie top. Warm! I’ll enjoy it whilst I may. – OH! I can shower for a couple of days! How charming. AND… maybe even get a wash done! We shall have to see what comes of all of this. – Oh well… time to try for some sleep. I’m going to try to appear up and about by about 5.30 in the morning. Should be interesting. At least I should be able to “nap” during the day as well… But I don’t want to waste a day. And Jacquie expects me to go over there and repair her stove. Honestly… I DO SO NEED to get OUT of this state!

Mon.11.Jan: 6.01 Had my coffee. Up from a smoke with the “gals”. And this morning is… morning. Why? I have NO idea. And it’s quite windy out there this morning and rather chilled. Not too bad, but chilled. The pellet stove is full though. That’s nice. I need to bring in more from the “shed” though. – I don’t like being in this house alone. And I can’t say why I don’t like it. And to be quite honest, I’ve not awakened in a very good mood either. Just a touch of “nasty”. Uncomfortable and “nasty”. The fesses-book issue is bothering me terribly. Oh well. I am awake, so it’s time to make the best of what-ever this day will bring. I suppose. – 21.57 *”DUNES SOOURNER”* IS COMPLETE! Now… to put it to publication… but I’ll send a copy to David first. Maybe he’ll read and “proof” it for me. In any event, I will edit tomorrow… But it’s DONE! Images and ALL! – 23.00 OK. The copies have been sent to David and I found, with a stop to the e-mails, that Pam sent me the most wonderful message and compliments on “Journal Days”. I’ve copied and posted it to the “blog” as a review, and gotten “Dunes Sojourner” on there as well. I posted a notice on Jude-fesses-book and Jason, out in Oregon, passed it along already! One person has passed the word along! Hey! Compliments on “Journal Days” and a helping “click” for “Dunes Sojourner”! The day is ending very well, indeed. Will it help to support me in any substantial way? Doubtful. But, although it isn’t “much”, at least no one can say I just sit about doing nothing. – Well, it’s been a day. And I’ll be rather sorry tomorrow… the only thing I’ve eaten all day is some cookies, one roll with peanut butter and cheese, and “copious” amounts of tea. ’twill be a difficult day tomorrow, I’ve no doubt. Not to mention… I never got to Jacquie’s today and I’m sure there’s to be “fall-out” from that. But you know… the world is not perfect and life is not fair… and the only thing we are moving forward toward is death.

11 Jan. 16.05
Judah,
I have been meaning to write and tell you that I have started reading your book—it is riveting,upsetting,funny and inspiring, all at the same time.
I am so glad that you wrote it and hope it gets wide distribution.
You are a such strong person, to have gone through everything and survived!
I am at page 187, still at Bellevue, but making progress towards getting a job.(The whites scrubs!)
Since I read the book on my Nook,I can’t get the sketches and paintings—I will need to look at them on my computer.
Take care and hope to see you around town sometime.
Best,
Pam
Coord. of the Vt Women’s Mentoring Program
Mrcy Connectns, Inc.
255 S Champlain St., Suite 8
05401
846.7164
846.7237/fax

Tue.12.Jan: 6.15 Awake and not feeling “well” this morning. Tired. And my right knee is a bit painful for some reason. Of course, I’m tired too. But I’m rather excited about having done the 2nd book. I’m going to get to work “cleaning” Bitter-sweet Bitterness”, the way it SHOULD have been done. Not sure how to market it, but… – It’s another day… more anxieties and more to be done. – 24.56 (Yes, it’s tomorrow already but I’m keeping with today to record today.) It’s gone cold out there and the snow has finally stopped falling. It began as mere flurries and for about an hour or so, turned to real snow-fall. I’d only swept the steps and pavement twice during the day. So in about 4 hours, I’ll have to clear it all again. Oh well. I didn’t get much sleep last night. I probably won’t make up for it tonight either… especially not at this rate. – But the day went along. I GOT A HAIR-CUT IN at about 12.00 AND A SHOWER! Worked most of the morning on the soc.med. trying to get prepared for the “launch” of “Dunes Sojourner”. – After the shower, I went out to check and see about visiting Jacquie but she wasn’t there so… I dropped to the store for Ramen, cheese, cookies (which I’ve all but finished this evening already) and some bread and their last bottle of non-diet tonic (with lime… ick). Then, came in, put the stuff up and headed out to sweep the snow AND TO BRING SOME 35 BAGS (1400LBS) OF PELLETS TO THE PORCH! Hauling wood for… others. – Then came up to have a package of Ramen with peanut butter (sauce) for “meal”. – Bob came in round about 18.00 or so. We chatted about soc.med. and such. He didn’t mention, but I believe Lyle will be coming back tomorrow when he (Bob) comes from work. So much for the “peace in the house”. – A note here: I fed the dogs breakfast and dinner today. SOMEBODY’S GOT to take responsibility for them! But nobody in this house (pit?) is dependable. Those poor little creatures. – This evening, I posted “Dunes Sojourner” to Selz! It’s “LIVE”! 12$US and that should give me about the same in CAD after all the fees and conversion. The exchange today is 70-cents to the US. I can only hope… and hope for sales! – Also, another e-mail from Pam in response to my response to her e-mail. She’s buzzing along with “Journal Days” and is amazed. Sadly, her “Nook” doesn’t give her the images though. Figure. But at least she got to buy the book. – Well then… I got to chatting with David who is all into the “Dunes Sojourner”! He even found a typo! So as we chatted, I made the correction and re-posted the PDF… He, David, is such a sweet man. And seems to be quite into the “Friendship” with me. Although we share the commonality of boots, I tend to wonder. WHY is he latching onto me so rather strongly? Oh well… there really isn’t much I can do, nor is there much I care to do. I’ve a feeling that this too shall pass. BUT… I DID add “Thanks” to the “Foreword” page of “Dunes Sojourner”… for his effort in reading and editing. It’s my way of thanking him… to have him mentioned in the beginning of the book. I sent him a “new” copy as well. And put that edition out to Selz. It’s amazing how quickly these things can be done! I can’t imagine what it would be like had the book been in print. (I’m still seriously considering a print edition. I’ll have to see if the library can print a copy… and how much it will cost me.) – Anyway, that was the day, essentially. And I didn’t get to Jacquie’s at all! I’ll go tomorrow for a little while. I have to see Hallie! – Other-wise… I’m finally back in bed and need to get some sleep. I’m down to a “nap” at this point.

Wed.13.Jan: 7.14 Coffee. Pee. Jacket on. Down the stairs, with the dogs, out the door… sweep the snow from the back stoop and porch. – Alarms sounded. I turned the light on with the 5.30… then dozed… literally… dozed, sleeping but awake until about 20 minutes ago. Imagine that. Well. I didn’t really get to “bed” to sleep until about 1.00 this morning. So there I have it… my 6 hour’s sleep. Tah dah. Now I have to get dressed and get my garbage out of this room. And… the snow… SNOW! Not accumulations of “moins 1 cm” as forecast. This is more like 10-15cm! OK? OK! – Work to be done this morning. Indeed. It’s dry and sweepable. But there are packed prints already. Oh well. – 9.40 AND… my garbage is out. The back stoop, front stoop, front pavement and the path to the wood-shed are… CLEARED! The snow has stopped but the skies are cloudy. And I’ve accomplished all of that before 2nd coffee… and in my jammies-top… and trash loggers. “Classless” me. – As for the rest of the day? I don’t know… yet. But… we shall see as it goes along. Thankfully, it’s not quite 10.00. – 19.48 WELL! I got the message from Jacquie at about 15.30: she went some-where at 11.20 and should be back by 20.00! Hallie was alone in the house! The shit people take for granted! So, I’d had another SHOWER today (since HLS was expected to return this evening) here and was dressed so over I went. OK… so the stove was burning and the door seemed repaired so I took Ms. Hallie out and we brought more wood into the kitchen and I put a few more pieces in and after about an hour, I left. – Oh… and B&L came in just as I was leaving out the back door. So yes, he’s back. – Anyway, I came back to the pit here to find B&L seated at the table in the kitchen… B. eating a “grinder” and L. eating a “Whoopie Pie”. I chatted, dutifully, and came to the room. David had sent 2 more corrections on the “Dunes Sojourner”. Hopefully these are the last. Thankfully there have been no orders so nobody’s getting another “Bittersweet Bitterness” deal. So I made the corrections and RE-re-loaded the book. The last? Now… let’s get some ORDERS! It’s difficult with-out the fesses-book promos. (How I’d truly like to know is responsible for this shit.) – And then…. I’m making “memes” to post all over the soc.med. circuit about being banned. Calling it “censorship”. Hitting the Twtr, Tmblr, Tsu and Ello too. Even the old accounts that I haven’t touched in the longest while! – Received another patronising form respone from fessesbook to which I simply replied: “You don’t like Jews. Duly noted and I’ll pass the information along.” I’ve fucking had it with thise shits. Hey! I’ve still got other accounts. But now I’ll have to duplicate the Homeless and Otto Didactic and such. I tried to do another page on the fesses-book with my middle name, and one for Otto Didactic. They’re demanding photo ID now! I’m ripped-to-the-shits pissed off! – OK…. so all that’s done and said. – BUT… as I was leaving Jacquie’s this evening, I put more wood into the stove and…. THE FUCKING DOOR IS BUSTED AGAIN! FUCK! So I shoved it closed as much as possible and left. I have no patience. – Meanwhile, B&L are in their room, the door is closed. Down-stairs the TV is on… empty parlour. I don’t know how much “pellets” are in the stove there, but I put in a bag or more today. If they want more… – As I think: TWO houses here… stoves and dogs and snow and such. Summer: lawn and garden. Fuck me! Really! The only thing that keeps me from blowing is… Jacquie pays me for my help and here, even though I don’t eat the food, use the washer, shower and such… I’m not out in a snow bank some-where. So… I keep my mouth shut.. .and hope that something happens soon to change all of this. I SO much want to get the actual fuck out of VT. – A hot tea, a few cookies, check in with David (who’s now signing-off “Davey”) and I’ll be in bed in short order. Tomorrow… morning with Jacquie no doubt and dodging Lyle. Oh… “life”.

Thu.14.Jan: 6.04 Coffee. Smoke. Bitter, snappy cold out there. The East windows are frosted from top to bottom, side to side. And…. “Yes”, screeching in the parlour already, at this hour. The house is a bright as a Main light-house on a clear night. Lyle is back… indeed. And there are 12 DVDs for him to go through. Silence is now officially dead. And oddly, his cough is still very active. I say “oddly” because of how he, like most non-cigarette-smokers, always enjoyed the little jabs about Bob’s coughing and such. “You should give those up.” he’d say because of Bob’s cigars. And as I’ve always said: The air is no longer good for anybody, so… – And for some strange reason, the cough brings back Margot… of course, so too does the weight and the recliner and the “I will ask you to…” which, in this case is “Bob was wondering if you would….” I’d brought in 2 bags of pellets yesterday and had the stove hopper full when they got back. I don’t know that anybody let the dogs out this morning… I know that I fed them twice yesterday… I wonder if anybody had the responsibility to put pellets into the stove this morning (or last night for that matter since, when I came up to go to bed, they were both asleep in front of the tele, on the recliners, right there, in the parlour… beside the stove). “House Nigger”. I don’t mind the work. I DO mind the expectations of beck and call. – Another day… – It appears that I might have to RE-do, from the beginning, the next edition of “Bitter-Sweet Bitterness”, pulling the journal off from the blog. When I think of it, it annoys me. Nancy and Schmulik BOTH telling me it was fine… and out it went. No wonder it never made it any-where. No wonder. Well… we “depend upon” no-one. And I’ll do it again, put it back out there, NOT at 9,99$ this time. I’m not that stupid any longer. But… hey… I promised the Homeless… “Journal Days” is one version, the “kinder” version. I’ll put the very thing out there, and my “promise” is filled. – I wonder where the “good” ones are these days. – OH! A NOTE HERE: I found Kevin Dick on-line last night! It looks like he made quite well over the years. And he’s still got a full head of hair, not grey at all, save a beard, trimmed. One photo: white shirt, tie. And a Bachelors from “The Mount” and affiliation with the ASPCA in Nbg. and such. I guess the “Catholics” still have him. Nothing about “spouse’. How strange to think: we were “besties” back when. And no, I’ve no desire to connect. The friendship was… I want no “connections” to … “back when”. – ON with THIS day then. – 6.20 and minus 16 with a chill of minus 21°, so says the Météo this morning. There are very light flurries out there. Minus 7 for today’s “high”. How charming. And today begins the “2-houses days”. Tahfuckingdah. –
22.27 Finally in bed! And the little heater is on because I put a bag of pellets into the stove at about 18.00 and I know it’s going to run out over-night and I will NOT wake frozen half to death in the morning! Period. – Lyle is on the recliner in the parlour since then, and Bob in bed since then as well. They had an argument this evening because Bob wanted dinner ready when he came in from work and Lyle tossed a “veggie burger” and some tinned beans on the table for him. Well! Seems Bob was not pleased, Lyle insisted that there’s nothing in the house (I personally, would like to know what the FUCK they did with a Summer’s-worth of vegetables to begin with and what the FUCK they do with all the food… aside from what the freak stole, but…) Lyle insisted that HE would make groceries tomorrow. Bob said they have bills that need to be paid first. And the next thing… Bob gets in the car and drove, probably round the block but was back shortly after and Lyle never noticed so he called me down-stairs to “talk”… not knowing Bob was in and up-stairs. Oh… but *I* knew and of course, none of this shit is my business so I didn’t take sides, nor did I say what I wanted to say: “You sit around all day doing nothing, just as you did when the freak was here…” But I did say that Bob gets up at about 4.30 and by 16.30 he’s likely tired and hungry. The response? “He doesn’t have to get up at 4.30, but he leaves early and goes someplace to ‘decompress’ before going to work.” Honestly… the fat shit truly doesn’t understand anything. It’s sickening. THEN he tells me that Bob is always “surly” with him and that one of their “friends” in “The Kingdom” noticed it and told Lyle that he doesn’t have to live like that. People who know nothing about the situation have SO much to say! I’m at wits’ end with “people” in general. Then Lyle got upset because Bob said that bills have to be paid before groceries. “We made the bills and now we have to pay the bills.” Lyle tells me. Ah… but Lyle’s been so protected all of his miserable little existence. He’s used to being bailed-out! And if there’s any truth to what Bob told me a while back… Bob spent EVERY DIME he came to VT with to bail this house out! And Lyle? Pisses money away on DVDs! None of my business and I won’t be pulled into this shit. Still… it’s enough to sicken anybody. – Well that said… MY day was… at 10.30 I toddled over to Jacquie’s… the wood stove was empty and cold. She couldn’t figure how to open the door. (Not brilliant.) But I’ve since looked into the situation and found that the “latch” going bad is common with those stoves and that there’s a particular tool used to “tighten” it… but she doesn’t have one. I requires removing the door and hammering the cotter pin. Oh well… perhaps I’ll check the barn for something to use an try… perhaps… no promises. – But the one thing that was truly rather amazing is Jacquie’s response to the 100 billion dollars that the Fed is releasing to Iran. She actually yelled and pounded the kitchen table. We both agree that the remaining “Thinking” population in the US today is so small that even if we TRIED to stop any of this, we’d make no difference. It’s true… the world has gone completely stupid… brain dead… useless. – That said… I got back to the house round about 12.30 and had a coffee with Lyle as we watched a “Yes” DVD and I came back up to the room for a bit of browsing, thinking I’d get to the book. I napped for about 25 minutes too. I was exhausted! – Bob came in… and the rest of that’s already been said. – At about 18.30 I headed over to Jacquie’s to feed Hallie. Stopped at the store for smokes, a block of over-priced cheese, some burger buns (at 2$ and change), and donuts… and 2 ice cream bars (one of which I ate whilst Hallie froliced in the snow and I swept some paths in the back yard for wood and such). Hallie got dinner, I cleaned out the stove and we went out for play… with snow-balls… and she had such fun! The house is warm enough. I suppose Jacquie put the thermostat up a bit which is good. It’s currently 10°F out there but… the night will get cooler no doubt. – I got back in at about 20.20 or so and fed the dogs their dinner. (We just came in from last ‘moke and they got treats.) – The house was quiet… the other 2 in their snits and sleeping. The “burger” and beans are still on the table. None of my business. – Oh… and today Bob fed them breakfast but the water bowl was empty again! – Well… that just about covers today. – I’m leaving the heater on tonight. Lyle even admitted that it’s cheaper now to burn oil to heat the house than burning pellets… so they should turn the fucking boiler up! Oh well. Oil is currently at about 1,80$/gal…. In Richford, I paid 3,96$/gal on discount! Fuck this shit! And I should be cold? I think not. – I need to get to sleep. Indeed… need to be up and turn the heater off before Bob notices it’s been running through the night. I just hope it can’t be heard in the hall! Still… no way I’ll wake to 12° in here in the morning. – Music on softly tonight… “Il etait une fois dans l’ouest” to sleep to.

Fri.15.Jan: 5.49 I woke at 4.30 this morning, having slept through a night of “Il etait une fois dans louest”, and the little heater, to a room of 19° and feeling rather “refreshed”. But I dozed until the 5.30 alarm. But I had a DREAM:
There were two choices for dinner, and I was really quite hungry. The choices were a sufficient piece of chicken breast, wrapped in cling, or a fresh cat, the Tabby (reddish, “ginger” colour), that was alive. I was going to prepare a “nice” dinner, there was or was not to be company (that part was quite ambiguous) and I decided on the cat. So I tied the cat, which didn’t fight me at all, in roasting twine and put an onion (or something of the sort) with it, but couldn’t get it to fit in the roasting pan… the way one might pull the wings of a chicken under, tied, to fit into a roaster. But as I tried to adjust the cat’s legs, it looked up at me, docile, and I looked at it, and said, lovingly, “You know what? We’ll have the chicken tonight instead.” And I woke from the dream.
WTF? Seriously… WTF brought THAT sort of dream on? How fucking miserably insane is such a thing? It doesn’t shake me or anything. But it seriously makes me wonder WTF was/is going on in my unconscious?
Well then, to reality: Bob was gone to work already at 5.30. I’m up from my smoke and I noticed that he, Bob, put pellets into the stove before he left. And Lyle is sacked-out on the larger blue recliner. The “veggie burger” and beans are still on the kitchen table. It rather reminds me of Lou and the nights in New Prospect when he’d tell me he’d be at the house for dinner and I’d cook, set a nice table, have everything prepared… and wait… and watch as it got later and later, darker and darker, later and later until finally, I’d dump everything, pasta or roast, sauce or gravy, vegetables and such, into a plastic bucket, put the dishes back into the cup-board, wash up the kitchen and bring the bucket of food out to the woods and toss it all out. Then, back into the house to wash the bucket out, and either continue with the night as if nothing happened, or simply go to bed because it was that late. “Relationships”… the “wrong” sort of people? “Too sensitive”? Ah… but today I know that on those nights when he didn’t show, he’d gone to be with “David” from Lechter’s. And to think: Em kept telling me “You never make people feel that you ‘need’ them in your life.” Right. I took THAT advice too… and it got me into an even MORE vulnerable position… and Lou moved in with David… behind my back… and Julie knew about it all along and feigned “friendship”. Yes, indeed… “Need” some-one in my life. NOT. And being here reminds me of that. Meanwhile, David here, these days, wants a “relationship”. Oh… I should absolutely think… NOT. Not that I suspect he’s, in particular, the “wrong” person… they’re ALL “the wrong person”. I’ve not capabilities for such nonsense, nor time and patience, understanding and compassion. – I think, this morning, that people treat others, and relationships and marriages, as people do on fesses-book: There is difference of opinion, a misunderstanding, the very things that make each of us different from others at some point. Years ago, marriages went through the Hellish moments… the parties argued, debated, discussed. One might walk out on the other for a while; moments, hours, days… separate in times of turmoil between the two. But they’d separate from each-other, even if it meant to another room of the same house. And when tempers settled and cooled, they’d either pick-up the pieces and move along toward calmer times, or they’d discus the issue of contention. Not “all” people would do so, but I tend to believe that most… well, MANY MORE then than today. They moved along, moved on, moved through the “tempest”, as it were… and “Life” went on, and so too, the relationship. But today? These days? “Love, marriage and relationships” mean nothing more than “You offend me, an now I’m going to retaliate!” CLICK. I’m “un-friending” you so I don’t have to deal with you right now, but when I feel you’re worth talking to, I’ll “re-friend” you and we’ll either let the incident go or we’ll “chat” about it and settle it and move along. Or… CLICK. I’m “blocking” you and if you want to get in touch with me you’ll have to become somebody else and try to find your way around things and such to get in touch with me. I’ll make you work to communicate with me and then you can ‘prove’ whether or not you’re actually worth having about. BUT… more so is the CLICK… I’m offended and your thoughts and feelings on the matter that’s offended me are worthless to me and I don’t want to hear your side of the issue because MY feelings have been hurt and I don’t care one damned thing about you because you ARE actually worthless as my companion, mate or even somebody/anybody so I’m going to turn my back completely, go to another person who knows NOTHING about either one of us and tell them MY side of the situation… in your absence… behind your back and when they, the blissfully ignorant take MY side of the situation and “SHARE” MY offence and join ME in MY “Pity Party”, I’ll have you shut OUT of my life, tossed to the side, “disposed of”, and now that I’ve got the support and backing of the ignorant “others”, they’ll tell people THEY know and THOSE people too will want nothing to do with you and THEY won’t listen to your side of the issue, and so, you’ll be “banned and blocked”… shut out and shut down from an entire social circle of people! Meanwhile, I’ll go on about by business, and your feelings, your thoughts, your point of view… all of it will be worth-less, because I CLICKED and in that much time, I’ve eliminated you from everything and left you out there… bound and gagged and silenced.
Fuck people. Fuck their “relationship” bull-shit. There’s ZERO respect for any “nouns” in anybody’s existence these days. Well, I shouldn’t say so about ALL people… there are still SOME of the “olde tymes” left. We’re old and dying off, but for the most part, the VERY most part, the generations coming behind us are as I’ve described. And sadly, there are those of the “Dying Generation” who have succumbed to the general bull-shit and are as apathetic and pathetic as the next-coming.
It’s very much a matter of: Oh yes I “liked” you and we WERE “friends” but you said/did that one thing at that one moment in time that offended me but rather than get it all out in the open and try for some level of understanding because I truly enjoy having your company and your presence, I have a list here of 19,375,325 OTHER “friends” and they ALL say that I have THEM and I DON’T need YOU. CLICK. You never existed because I don’t even have to see you on the “time-line” or “page” of my life any more.
Nope… I’ve been there, been through it, don’t like it, don’t do it to others, and will not repeat the mistake. – And this is how I begin my day. – 6.34 and I’m tired again already. Almost exhausted, really. But today’s laundry and “clean-up” day. There are things to accomplish and complete before sun-down. A “20-minute” might help. And its still early enough. – The room is beginning to chill. I put the cardboard over the registre last night to keep “my” heat in the room, and now it’s still there to keep the light out of the room down-stairs so I don’t have to “talk” about and issue that’s not “mine”… Yes… a “20-minute” break. And then… on with the day! – 8.00 And I dozed for another half hour or more and yet another DREAM:
I was subbing at the Fuklin PO and some-how I hadn’t opened for business, the door to the “office” was still closed and the truck came. I went into a bit of a panic. Rachel was with me and I panicked when I heard the truck come and went looking for the key to tap the blue box (which I knew, some-how, that I hadn’t done in a few days) but I couldn’t find it! I went looking to see if I’d put the drawer in for business and there was no safe! But the drawer (Rachel’s drawer) was in and un-locked. I found that to be strange but a relief because there WAS a drawer that I could conduct business out of, even though I hadn’t. And then, as I looked for the key for the blue box, I thought “Well, they can’t fire me since I’m here voluntarily and not on the pay-roll anyway.” And as I continued to look for the key, I woke.

Well! My brains are scrambled this morning. – And now, Lyle is awake and I’m just up from another smoke, this time with Dixie. And so… ’tis almost time to get this day rolling. I think I’ll try to put the heating line on the water lines at Jacquie’s today… It’s cold enough out there this morning. I’ll do the bed linens and such. But now too, I have to incorporate breakfast for the dogs here and there. Back and forth. In and out. And repairing the wood stove at Jacquie’s and all the while… dodging some sort of “dialogue” about “relationships” with Lyle. AND… trying to figure out how to get enough money to GET OUT OF VERMONT! – Delightful commencement of the day. FML! – 20.35 DONE! THE DAY IS DONE! And… I must say, impressively accomplished. But right now, I am showered (at Jacquie’s again, fuck me thank you), in clean jammies and bed-linens, the radio is on, the tea is at bed-side and I’ve taken 2 Aleves. My back is “stiff”. I thought it was going as I brought in wood for the stove. – As for the day? Well… it started with me getting breakfast for Dixie and Ellie as HLS slept. Taking them out for their morning constitutional. Then, I was off to Ms. Hallie, to serve more breakfast and to have 2 fried egg sandwiches on cheap-shit burger buns. And I brought my own tea today as well! Next… Ms. Hallie and I brought in enough wood for about a week and a half! And I made the wood piles out in the yard a bit more “orderly”. Not that it’ll be noticed nor make any difference, but it’s done. Swept the kitchen, dining room and hall floors in prep for mopping, and took the door off the wood-stove to figure how best to repair it. Come to find out, it doesn’t NEED repairing, although it probably would benefit, but I got the latch to where it should be OK for a while. And… by about 13.00 I was done there. Came back to the pit to find.. HLS lounging as some sort of divinity. I sat momentarily until HLS says “Did that stove go out again?” Well of course it did you fucking cow! Honestly! It’s MARGOT! Same fucking shit games. So… rather than listen to the bull-shit, I brought in THREE fucking bags of pellets. And the shit admitted that the fucking thing had been out for an hour. OK. So you skipped a beat and admitted to your shit. Fucking fag. (I’ve been in a snarly mood all day… sick to the fucking gills with the bull-shit.) Anyway, put almost 2 bags of pellets into the stove and got it fired up again, came up to the room and put the linens on the bed and the clean clothes ready for this evening. – Ah… clean linens on the bed and HLS showers and decides to come plant arse on the bed… to chat. Oh… how it’s not worth the whole horrid attitudes… the marriage should be off… the suicide should have stuck. I simply pointed-out that they go shopping and out to eat every now and again and the response was “I just wish I wasn’t so sensitive.” HONESTLY! “Sensitive”? OK. – Saved by Bob coming in! And I HAD to lie down, in the foetal position to put my back into line… 30 minutes of that and when I woke… CHARGE! back to Jacquie’s by 18.00 where… I made 2 more little “grilled cheese buns” for “dinner”, then got dinner for Ms. Hallie and a SHOWER FOR ME! Didn’t bother to wash the clothes I worked in today. Just didn’t bother. But took a nice longish shower and I feel so much the better for it. (Save the fact that my sinuses seem to be draining for some reason.) After the shower, with the dishes there done, Hallie and I went for a twice-round the house and came back in so that I could send “report” to Jacquie. – Left there not too long ago and came in quietly… Dixie and Ellie met me in the hall… I’ll have to go back down in a bit to get them dinner… the poor things. But HLS, still enthroned, said “What’s doing bébé? Is Jude home?” HOME? No, Jude’s not “home”, he’s here, and he crept up the stairs to avoid a “chat”. – Put the tea water on, put the jammies on, and got into bed! – As I say: I’ll HAVE to go make sure the poor pups eat tonight. – Bob apparently came in and went directly to bed and he’s still there. – Meanwhile, I’m almost at a seething about now with all the “Pity Party” fuck-shit and STILL STILL STILL flounced in that fucking recliner! Won’t even bother to get up to make sure the dogs have water and food! It’s on my last nerve! But I’m hoping for a change… SOON! I NEED to get the fuck out of here and away from this usury. – I also need to clip my toe nails and file my finger nails. – Oh… I mentioned, in a snarly sort of way, my pissiness today to David… his reply: Suggests I move there… in with him… CA SE PEUT TU? Were I 16 or 17 I probably might have done. But WTF? As much as I should and might appreciate the offer, he doesn’t even truly know me, we’ve never met, and yet he offers to take me in? OK. This is being pushed a bit too hard, to fast. Thankfully there’s distance and Winter. – I guess I’m just tired… and the day’s been productive but with a rather nasty mood. Hopefully the Aleve will kick in soon and work over-night to make things “all better” tomorrow. – Tomorrow… I’m rather planning on a quiet day… at Jacquie’s. Start a little fire in the stove, work on “Bitter-sweet Bitterness” and probably spend most of the day there… instead of here. “They’ll” both be here (I have reason to believe) and I will NOT be dragged into their sordidness. Thank goodness for Jacquie’s! – Getting a bit on the “tired” side at the moment. I’ll have my tea and quit the day. I think I heard HLS go to the kitchen. The bitch had better give those poor dogs something to eat! (And the stove will soon run out of pellets… and it can sit in that recliner… Although I’ve a sneaking suspicion that there’s to be a “tap tap tap” on the door any moment now… “the stove went out again…. boo hoo”. Fucktard.

Sat.16.Jan: 6.26 And so I wake, at the 5.30 alarm, turn it off and doze for another 30 minutes and wake again, for the morning, with the 6.00 alarm to a room of 17°, make the coffee and get me prepped to go for a smoke. Open the door to the room to see that the door to the back room is open and somebody’s in bed over there. I don’t know who, and quite frankly, I don’t care who. Ellie came with me for my smoke… and as I got to the back door, the lock is engaged, but the back door is slightly open, with the breeze-blocker against the bottom of it. The pellet stove is off. Nobody is in the parlour sleeping. Oh well… I have my smoke, Ellie has a pee and as I come back in, Dixie is waiting at the kitchen door. So she went out for a pee and a dump and in we come. And I rather doubt they were given dinner last night so the only thing they’ve eaten was the breakfast I gave them yesterday morning. I’m going to assume this because, well… I’ve no cause not to. – Gee… there’s a bag of pellets beside the stove, I’ve no doubt. I didn’t check but I brought in 3 bags yesterday and I can’t see that the 3rd was put in by anybody. And this morning, as the little heater is on to take the chill out of the room here, I’m in just the frame of mind to calmly state that I see no reason why I shouldn’t use the heater this morning. I’m not involved with their “spat” so I shouldn’t be made “collateral damage”. – Chalk-up another reason why I have no interest in “relationships”. This nonsense, bull-shit. Childish, at best. Meanwhile, there’s David and his notes of innuendo and such. Romance and the likes. No. No interest in becoming involved with all of that. Single brings a degree of stability in life. And indeed, once CAN dance in a hurricane… as long as one is standing in the eye. I choose to be in the eye… and let the others toss and turn. I’ve more than enough of my own situation to deal with right now. Including and not limited to the moment when I’m told I have to leave here. Oh… they’ve benefited from my presence. I don’t “take”, save the little electric of a light over the bed, the charge on the lap-top, and now, the little heater for a little while in the morning. I know they don’t see it that way. Nobody would… to see it would be an inconvenience in their little “drama”, a drama I’m not a part of. But the way “life” goes… I get dragged into it. – Meanwhile, my back is “stiff” this morning. I slept rather well through the night from about 22.30 until. There’s the remnants of the diphenhydramine, but nothing too terrible. And it appears that I will be spending most of, if not all of the day at Jacquie’s… thankfully I have that place to escape to. I’ve no intention of being around this place with this bull-shit. Particularly if there IS a bag of pellets beside the stove and that fat-arse was to fucking lazy and spoiled to scoop them into the hopper. OH! To get the fuck out of here and get back to my life… what-ever that may have been or could be. Just to get OUT and AWAY! – “Come to VT. It’s a much better quality of life.” No… faggotry is faggotry, no matter where it is. – 14.56 THIS has been such a wonderful sort of day here, in the kitchen at Jacquie’s. It started with breakfast with Hallie at about 10.00 and I’ve been here since. We’ve been out a couple of times. Got to see Mme. Blanche-Noire. There’s been a drizzle for most of the day and for a while, it froze. And then, I took it upon myself to start the wood-stove and now? It’s SO wonderful! I actually did a little video of it. And I have to say, it’s warmed this place up wonderfully! So comfy. Makes me seriously consider… if “they” ever say anything about leaving and Jacquie says anything about coming here… At least I “know” this place well enough… not that I want to stay here… especially with those animals up-stairs and their thumping about. But, it’s an alternative… if ever need be. I suppose. – Been on-line with David for a while. He’s allayed my “concerns” about “relationships” and such. Although… I still have that “Trust” thing… and of course, there’s none. Too many of those in the past. But oh well. – When Hallie and I went out a bit earlier, there was no car parked in front of the pit. I wonder if they both went out or if one left, and if one left, which one and for what reason. Not that it’s any of my business. I just have a gut feeling… something not so happy is about to happen… and I’m going to bear the brunt. Oh well… at least I have the fire in the stove and the warmth and peace right now. – I have to go check Dixie and Ellie though. And so… off to do that, I should think. – 21.53 “Home Alone”. They were gone already at about 11.00 or so and no word. And to think I had the house alone all day. But… it was wonderful at Jacquie’s. I even got a fire going in the stove. Didn’t really accomplish much… since my “promo” on the soc.med. is limited. But it was SO peaceful! Came back round about 16.00 to let the dogs out at the pit. Hung about a while. Back to dine for Ms. Hallie at 19.30 or so. Then back to the room and to put more pellets into the stove here. The temp in the room is currently 24,2°! I can’t get over it! And the house is still just me and the galz. I’m on my 2nd “Twisted Tea” and exhausted. – My “meals” today: I fried 4 rolls and had with maple syrup for breakfast. 2 rolls with my left-over cheese and some slices of Jacquie’s cheeses from Quebec. Nutrition? Bull-shit really. But they killed appetite. – Nice chats with David this evening. And nothing worth the while accomplished. Oh well. Shabbat. I relaxed. But again… to think I could have stayed here and… what-ever. – I wonder though: Did Bob go to PA and Lyle drove back… had an accident? Or… did they go to NY to shop and are “having at it” with their friend over there? Did Lyle take ill and is in hospital? And that they simply go and expect the house to be attended with-out leaving word or sending any. (I mentioned my disgust to Jacquie when I sent tonight’s “report”. Talk about “abuse”.) Oh well… I’ll just go to bed and leave my door open then tonight. At least the temperature isn’t freezing and there’s enough pellets in the stove for over-night. No little heater. – Tomorrow, mop the floor and get the stove going over at Jacquie’s and I’m hoping they’re some-where they can spend the night. I don’t want to be rudely awakened at 2.00! Shit. – 23.13 and time to get to sleep… in an empty house. No freak. No anybody. What a shame… If there’s any kind of recording device… this could have been one HELL of a day. Oh well… – I wish I had tomorrow to sleep in. But… NOT! Story of my life… “life”… right. – But the goilz have been out again… last ‘moke. They know something’s not “right”. The know. – Light snow falling. I wish I had the energy to enjoy it. But I need to sleep… for tomorrow. Fuck me.

Sun.17.Jan: MAJESTIC THEATRE WITH JACQUIE: WILLISTON – “13 HOURS” BENGHAZI
HELLISH HELL NIGHT AT THE PIT! INCONSDERATION-ABUSE!
4.04 and I’ve gotten all of maybe 3 hours of sleep ALL night now. They came in at 0.30… with “company” as I heard Lyle describe it. And indeed they did… and it was one “girlie-fest” out in the halls, on the stairs and THEN “We’re gonna watch ant man…” and so the rumble for that. I don’t know when I managed to finally fall asleep but the last time I looked at the clock on the dresser it read 1.14 or there-abouts. So I no sooner apparently get to sleep and the girlie-fest in the hall begins again! Just now! I don’t know what the fuck they brought in but it’s in the room across the hall. I’ve been thinking of going to Jacquie’s for some sleep but at this hour it’s no good because she comes home in about 8 hours! I can sleep in the car then, but… NO FUCKING SLEEP ALL FUCKING NIGHT!!!! I SPENT 10 HOURS AWAY SO BOB AND LYLE COULD MAKE GOOD TIME AFTER THEIR SPAT… I BROUGHT 3 BAGS OF PELLETS IN SO THAT THE HOUSE WOULDN’T BE COLD WHEN THEY GOT BACK, TURNED ON THE FRONT LIGHT… I MEAN…. FUCK THE FUCK OUT OF ME! SO NOW I’M AWAKE… AND COFFEE WATER’S ON AND I’M GOING FOR A SMOKE AND FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF THEM! LIGHTS ON AND LET’S ROCK AND ROLL!!!!! – 11.09 and there’s a fire in the stove, the floors are swept but not mopped but the house is together. Hallie is fed and I’m having a tea. And I swear I just had the slightest bit of a heart attack. Only slight. Too bad. Oh well. – Got to “nap” from about 6-8.00 this morning. By about 9.00 I left the pit to come to the house and Bob was in the kitchen, naked, of course. I don’t know who was in the bed across the hall, but it was asleep when I departed. And as I passed through the kitchen, Bob said a rather “coy”… “Good morning.” No doubt Lyle has made a terrible drama of my 4am smoke break. I don’t give a shit, quite honestly. No doubt there are ramifications to come. But the truth of the matter is, I don’t care to discuss because… well… there’s no sense in it. There’s no “sense” in that house at all. So I’ll just trudge through the day until such time when… what-ever. Enjoy the moment at hand. That’s the only recourse. – Oh.. about the smoke break at 4.00: I gave up on trying for any sleep because at 4.00 they were STILL at the chitty-chatty bull-shit. AND Bob showed their little “friend” how to inflate the bed! And indeed, he did. So… I took the canvass off the door, since it did no good to dull the noise, and headed down the stairs only to meet Lyle there! “Good-morning JUDE!” says he all cutesy. “Yes.” said I. “Is something wrong?” asks the retard. “Not a good time to talk.” said I, as calmly as I could and continued to the back door. When I got to the door, the dogs were there so I brought them out too. But Lyle followed me into the kitchen and asked again if something’s wrong. “Not now…” I said, with a wave of a finger, and brought the dogs out. Had my smoke, chatted with the dogs. Dixie took a dump and we were back in… and I made it up the stairs with-out further confrontation. But the chitty-chat in the hall and the inflating of the bed… well… THE GOOD NEWS: I GOT THE ENTIRE NYC8539266 BLOG COPIED-OVER TO WORK ON! It’s really quite a mess and… I STILL CAN’T FIND MARCH! I can’t imagine HOW I lost it. And April too! The notes are in those books… and those books, thanks to “Nannette”… my self-proclaimed “BFF”, are GONE! I hope she and her cohorts (the Macks) are thrilled with them-selves. She couldn’t pick up the phone and make a call. Oh well… People… They be like that… almost ALL of the time! – Now? I’m going to get to the journal notes and see what I can salvage in the time I have. Jacquie sent word: she’ll be home “early” today. Isn’t that lovely? Well… here we go… another “Shelter day”. That’s exactly what it feels like. Too bad this fucktown library isn’t open today. Alas. – 23.47 IN BED AT LONG, LONG LAST! WHAT A DAY! I gave up on the day round about 9.00 and headed out to Jacquie’s. Bob was already in the kitchen, naked of course, washer going. The “mystery guest” was still asleep across the hall. But when I got to the kitchen, Bob said, rather hesitantly “Good-morning.” I said “Yes. Morning.” and headed directly to the door telling Dixie “I’ll be back later.” and out I went. At Jacquie’s, I got Hallie her breakfast, Mme. Blanche-Noire got fresh water, cleaned the stove out and started a new fire, took Hallie for a stroll and got to work sweeping the floor well and then, sat at the kitchen table to begin the re-vamp of the old journal. Managed to get a message to David and a few posts on fesses-book too, but mostly worked on the journal… having a tea. – Checked a couple of times during the day to see that “they” were still at the pit. – But Jacquie got back round about noon and… she made us a burger for lunch right away. She knew I hadn’t slept last night and said “There. You need some protein.” The burger was wonderful, indeed. And we sat and chatted quite a while. And she got a phone call from her friend in Germany and I set her up with her Skype. OH! It was SOOOO good to hear her friends’ German accents. SO GOOD! And they chatted briefly. But now she’s set for more and I hope she enjoys it so. – Well, she then decided that she wanted to go to see the new movie “3 Hours”, the story of the Benghazi farce. The only place was at the “Majestic” in Williston… at 18.20… by 17.00 we were on the road. AND “they” were gone… I still don’t know who or where from the “mystery guest” but quite frankly, I don’t give a shit. – The cost for the movie wasn’t all too bad at 10$ each… but still, ever so costly considering how inexpensive it used to be. But GAS is down to 1,99$ the gallon at a time when I don’t dare take the car on the road… Figures… my “life”. – WELL! The movie was AMAZING! And to think it’s fact! This country is a total shit-dump. I had all to do to keep from crying often through it… thinking how the government ALLOWED those people to suffer as they did! – I drove us back up to Jacquie’s and we were back by about 22.00, and had a “Kaluah and milk”. – When I got to the pit, the back porch lights were on… Lyle is asleep in the recliner down-stairs, Bob is in their bed… the door to the room across is open and Dixie was on the bed in there. I brought her into the COLD room, gave her kisses and a half-snack and sent her on her way. – I’m just having a peppermint tea now and ready for bed. 5.30 will be difficult tomorrow. And so too… dodging talking with “them”. – Oh… but from the looks of the dishes on the counter in the kitchen (washed… amazingly enough), they had a nice “Sunday dinner”… good for them. – Will jot a note to David, finish my tea and get to sleep. The room is “sealed off” from the room down-stairs, it’s about 17° in here but the mattress warmer is set at 4 of 5 lights. I’m so tired, I should sleep well enough.

Mon.18.Jan: 8.32 Just up from morning smoke to a day of MUCH snow. Quite a MUCH snow. And feeling drained. Even this typing is rather slow and difficult. Stomach is out of whack as well. Got the little heater on and just bringing the temp in here up to 17°. Cold. Tired. Out of it. The day after the sleepless night. Oh well. No doubt there’s to be a “confrontation” at some point. And of course, it will be when I’m least able to handle one. – I need to get to the market too. Running low on coffee. Oh well. These are the trying times… again. – Now, to the book and to figure what to do with the day. I COULD, if I were so inclined, shovel the snow. I’m rather DEclined at the moment. But, but, and but again. – 12.55 Feeling like shit. Just up from a 30-min nap. Have to copy ALL of the journal out of tables! Fuck you Nancy and “Schmulik/Eduardo”! Fuck you! – Going out to shovel snow… work some of this pissed-off off. – HLS is chatty on the phone in the parlour. May I escape unscathed. – 21.55 IN BED! Again… at last! – Most of the morning working on Bittersweet-Bitterness… It’s SO fucked! – We had a shit-load of snow last night and I DID go and shovel the back and the front and even the “drive” between la cage (aux folles) and the phone company. Then to Jacquie’s to help her take the Christmas tree out to the yard. Dinner was talpia and cous-cous, and garden carrots and green salad! And a beer and a half. We watched “O’Reilly”. LUV that show and the “Kelly” report is interviewing the guys from Benghazi but I just couldn’t stay up longer. – It’s bitter cold out there tonight. But a strangely warm 19° in the room. – Bob and Lyle were awake when I came in just a bit ago. “Long time no see.” says Lyle. I mentioned seeing the movie last night. Amazing… these two are 2 of many who have little-to-no idea about it. But we got chatting lightly about it and Bob and I came up to bed. Lyle was just “grazing”. – No mention of Saturday’s fiasco… by anybody. But they’d gone to Winooski and from as I understand it, brought TWO fellows back! Ca se peut tu? I say nothing because there’s no sense in talking to them… I’d be better off telling it to the fire-wood at Jacquie’s. – Well… tea at bed-side and I’m off to jot to David and hopefully get to sleep BEFORE 23.00! I’m still not right after the week-end. As I told Jacquie: It takes me at least 2 days to re-adjust after that shit. Oh… I must to move along and out of this town… SOON!

Tue.19.Jan: 6.41 Dozed through the 5.00 alarm and a bit after the 6.00 and woke to 17° in the room,windows completely frosted over. Have had coffee and smoke. The thermo on the wood-shed reads about 2°F, the wind is still blowing and it appears that we had a bit of snow last night… or the snows from yesterday have drifted considerably. – I’ve got a “rock” in my gut this morning… and this strange sensation of being close to Death. I can’t actually describe the feeling except that *I* feel OK, but there’s a strange “discomfort” from the “rock” and my “being” feels rather “taken from me”. Very odd, indeed. – But there’s nothing I “can” nor “will” do about it. – The TV is on down-stairs, I don’t know whether Lyle is asleep or awake and don’t really want to know. And the room is warming a bit.. I’ve got the little heater on. – Jacquie will be heading to E. Alburgh at about 11.00 today. She’s helping her Maryrose pack the house. Hallie may or may not be there and Jacquie asked that, if I go to to check, to please keep the wood-stove going. Says she’ll be back round 18.00 (I doubt that… probably later) so if I want to, I could stay over there during the day, should I want. It’s good to know I have some-where ELSE to go to during the day… If I want to. – I wonder if this “discomfort” has anything to do with all the shovelling I did yesterday. I did “la cage”, including part of the “drive” (which is plowed as well and although I’m hoping it wasn’t plowed before being noticed that I’d shovelled, I know that it wouldn’t have been “noticed” because nobody goes over there and nobody pays any attention to anything “done” round here anyway… save those things that can be bitched about. Then I shovelled paths to the wood piles and out to the barn at Jacquie’s. (And I must remember to go over there and get MY shovel today!) -Oh well… – And this morning I thought: I came up here to escape the “stress” of being in NYC… and I came here and have gotten precious little else but stress. Summer was OK, being in the garden for most of the day. But it was also horridly stressful with the freak’s follies and such. And… the stress of being in a house-hold where, when there’s no stress… the “drama” is created. “Life”, merely “being” is a curse… and one we’re simply shat out into. How terrible. And there’s no such thing as “I don’t deserve this” because, no, nobody “deserves”… it just happens. And today I wonder: “WTAF” is it all for, about and… all too simply… WTAF? – Another day commences…. who the actual fuck actually really, truly gives a shit? – 22.22 In bed after shovelling twice and…. for the soc.med.:

Life in A Vermont Town – Doing Time in New England

If you’ve ever had those dreams of the quiet and cozy, romantic B&B getaways in the enigmatic state of Vermont, please allow me to enlighten you, to expound on the information you’d receive from the board of Tourism from the great “Bernie Sanders” state… the “Green Mountain” state, the state of maple syrup. Please, let me give you some valuable insight from the perspective of what, in this state, is not cordially referred to as a “Flatlander”.

I came to Vermont almost 5 years ago now and in spite of multiple barrages and attacks against me from just about ever direction, I have managed to write to you all from “with-in”. I was all but lured and coerced into leaving the familiarity of my home-town of New York City, with propaganda that included lower crime rate, fewer-to-no “violent” crimes, a more welcoming and all-encompassing population, a more peaceful life, an better quality of life… kinder people who care for and about a neighbour… bunk, garbage and bull-shit.

In these years, I have resided (not “lived” but resided) in two counties and 6 (SIX) towns (although some of them consider themselves to be “cities”). I have resided and worked amongst the “affluent” as well as the lesser-affluent. I have resided in delightfully comfortable houses, old houses and have even experienced what Vermont refers to as “Shelter” for the Homeless. So I believe I can speak honestly and with knowledge and credibility at this point.

I am 60 years of age currently, and when I removed from New York City to Vermont, I’d spent approximately 65% of my life in New York City. I can proudly say that I lived through the latter 1960’s, the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s and early 2000’s in New York City so wonderfully and cleanly that I was able to hold jobs working for a stocks processing company, the 3 largest financial institution, and, when I arrived in Vermont, for a service bureau supporting the U.S. Department of Homeland Security.

Ah… but how Vermonters changed all that… and almost immediately!

With-in my first 3 months of residency in Vermont, I was called a “scumbag” for having accepted a rental property from a representative of the owner who “allegedly” had no right to rent the property to me. The place was filthy… I cleaned it and because the rental was misrepresented, I was THROWN out… and called a “scumbag” from New York.

I moved into a private house where I rented a room. Several months later, my landlord and his “girl-friend” of the time, got drunk (which they did regularly anyway), had a spat where he hit her, she called the police and by the time the police arrived, they’d had a change of heart and accused ME of hitting her, putting a gash on her face. The police told me to leave, at 1:00 in the morning and waiting until I’d done so. A few months after that, I had take a job that I enjoyed but had no previous experience in and precious little training. My “boss” was junkie-drunk who had more time to party and booze-up than to pay attention to my calls for help when needed. With-out details, SHE accused me of “embezzlement”… a FELONY! It took FIVE MONTHS of appearing in the local Federal courts for the entire case to literally be THROWN OUT, along with the attorney representing the sate of Vermont to be scolded and chastised for wasting the court’s time and the tax-payers’ money on a frivolity. (BUT… my life record is permanently destroyed because, in spite of the dismissal of the case, the State, from the Attorney General AND Mr. Bernie Sanders REFUSE to expunge the blemish… I am not a “Vermonter” and am not worthy of their attentions.) In closing of this brief back-ground information, I have also had a “Restraining Order” taken out against me by a house-mate (from California, of all places) who heard a door in the house slam shut on a Summer afternoon when the windows were open and the breezes were blowing wonderfully round about the room. HE, being of highly questionable mental instability, was struck with terror for some un-known reason and immediately ran to the local courts for the order… Even before I was served with the order, he went to the courts to tell them that he changed his mind and wanted to rescind the order! I was… but it remained on the court calendar… and my record.

Now, for the past 2 years I have resided in a small town of Franklin, on the Canada border, in Vermont. And now, it all becomes interestingly personal.

When I moved into Franklin, I was blessed with the ability to work around the property of the house in which I rented. I helped my landlords with the flower beds in the front and back of the house, mowed the small front yard using an old push mower that I found in their barn that needed some repair because it hadn’t been used in over 25 years. I got the flower beds cleaned and growing healthy, the front pavement was always kept delightfully neat and clean and… I was told by one of the locals “You’re making the rest of the town look bad.’ He wasn’t joking… he was angry.

I managed to procure a job in the local post office where, based on my previous training in New York, I did my utmost to provide top-notch service to each and EVERY customer and resident in Franklin across the board, treating each and every one with as much importance as they all were entitled to. I was degraded by those who didn’t even know my name, I was yelled at AND SPAT UPON… and my “Post Master” gave me NO support in any manner or fashion… I am a “Flatlander” (and worse… a “New Yorker”… and worse yet… a JEW). However… I am a person who came to this town NOT to change ANYTHING, but to reside amongst ALL the people, to help in what-ever way I could to maintain the small New England town style and to assimilate. NOT PERMITTED!

Now… last Winter, I parked my old car on the state road in front of the house in which I reside. The state comes by to plow the snow only to the extent that the state is responsible for. The town plow comes by and often plows as it travels to the town roads for which it is responsible. AND, we have the local “plow-boys”… the local pea-brained pick-up drivers who take care of the rest; just a small representation of the pea-brained, multi-generational in-breeds who bring the term “xenophobia” and the emotion of “hate” to extremes previously unimaginable to me! And let me add here that the “gene pool” in this town, like MOST of the towns and “cities” in this state doesn’t amount to much more than a damp spot on a vast desert waste-land.

Last Winter, I tolerated the repeated scratches and gouges in the bumpers on my car, caused by one of the local “plow-boys” when he “plowed” into the car, un-necessarily. (Because I shovel the snow and chop the ice from the side-walk, I “make the rest of the town look bad” and it’s blatantly resented. The town won’t clear because they claim it the “property owners responsibility” and like-wise claims the state. And I clean the walk-way so that the pedestrians have a safe way to walk past the house and get to the general store, next door… the store that prides itself with an average 42% price mark-up over the local supermarkets.)

THIS Winter, TWICE, the local “plow-boy”, having seen me out shoveling the snow from the walk, plowed the snow from the road BACK onto the walk! The previous time, mere weeks ago, he did so AS I WAS SHOVELING! And the most recent time? This very day (Tuesday, 19 January 2016). BUT he waited for me to finish and when I’d gone to a neighbour’s to help with snow removal there, “plow-boy” came, plowed the snow from the street BACK onto the walk AND LEFT A LARGE MOUND OF SNOW IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE MAIL BOX… so that the letter carrier couldn’t get to the box and deliver the mail! And I had to shovel the walk THREE times to keep it clear for pedestrians.

So, THIS, is the “peaceful” life, the “better quality” life, a “more welcoming and all-encompassing population”, “kinder people who care for and about a neighbour”.

THIS is “the people of Vermont”… those very same people who feel about you, the “Flatlander” as they feel about me, the “Flatlander”. THIS is the calibre of hateful, spiteful, lying, back-stabbing, in-bred “people” you support by coming and spending your hard-earned money at the ski resorts, or motels, or any other business in this state.

There will be more written about this matter, including MUCH more detail. But for now… it would be appreciated if you would pass this along this message to as many others as possible so that they might learn the truth as well.

Wed.20.Jan: 8.15 So tired. SO SO SO FUCKING TIRED! Up with the 5.00 alarm, turned the light on. Went right back to sleep. Turned the 5.45 alarm off and went back to sleep. Turned off the 6.00 alarm… and went back to sleep. Now, just up from smoke. And tired. SO SO SO FUCKING TIRED! – The ending of yesterday got posted to fesses-book, Twtr and Tmblr before I went to sleep last night. Tired and fed-the-fuck-up. – Another day. – 23.54 Another day of napping for about an hour at last, more pages of the original journal broken-down, and what a mess they are. Lyle and Bob went into Burlington to take Lye into the doctor. Now it’s rather confirmed that he might not have the cirrhosis. Honestly… people are so full of shit any more. I wasted good time that I could have used to Hoover the room whilst they were gone… but it really wasn’t wasted because I worked on the journal. – Jacquie went to her Maryrose and at about 17.30 I put the fire in the stove there and swept the floor. I don’t know what time she came back but… not important. – “Meal” today: 3 peanut butter sandwiches. I was really rather nauseated all day today. – Nice chat with David this evening. OH I forgot to mention yesterday… received a note from him. He’s “planning” on meeting this Summer. Ah hah, indeed. I don’t even know where I’ll be…. of IF I’ll be. – And I posted, via Jude to Judah on the fesses-book page. Message explaining why I’m not posting there. Nancy Nichols sent me a message saying “So that’s what’s been going on.” and apparently she’s concerned now because I pointed out that even “friends” can shut a page down… and one will never know who or how. Oh well… get them thinking… That’s a laugh… people… thinking. – Well. it’s now exactly mid-night. I’ve briefly chatted with Lyle. I spoke with both of them earlier this evening. No sense bringing up the week-end. I simply have to get out of here… I’m still trying to figure out where and how… even if it means in the car. I have to find that place over by the river. It’ll be difficult, but once the last book is out… OH… and I’m thinking of taking the “high-lights” of my being her in VT, the embezzlement, assault and such and making each a short story… in conjunction with last evening’s post and putting that out on the market. Who knows? Why not? Anyway… the ultimate goal is “OUT OF HERE”… and preferably out of the state… QUICKLY AND SOON. – No “storm” as predicted for the week-end. Good… I’ve enough to get done. I’ll HAVE to try for the heating wire on Jacquie’s water lines too. MUST. And then I’m done there. – For now… one more thought provoker for the social media: fesses-book is breaking the law and I’ll not let that rest. Then… hopefully to sleep and up at 5.00.

Thu.21.Jan: 7.47 Yes, late again. But I’m not concerned this morning. Today begins the “bouncing” from house to house. And, thankfully, LAUNDRY! My jacket smells terribly again for some reason. Between the staleness of the “back rooms” at Jacquie’s and some-how of cigarettes. I honestly don’t know how, but it does. – And I have to say that the coffee… “Sure Fine”, taste like total shit! I MUST figure a way to get to the market. It looks like I’ll be walking into Enosburgh again… very soon. The trouble is the “time”. It’s a full day of walking, and I really don’t have one. Or, maybe I do. If I can get the bulk of my “work” done today… I’ll have all day tomorrow. And if the weather would hold out, I just could make it. Something to look forward to? I suppose so. – The little heater is on for a while. It’s not “bitter” in the room, but it does need a bit of warmth. – And oh, the past 2 days haven’t been much in the way of “food”. I could use some of that too… and there’s none here. And eating from the market next door? Costly… and I should think, rather un-safe. This morning I wondered if Lyle didn’t get his E-coli from there. I can’t help but wonder. And I’m in no position to contract that.. not at this juncture. – Shelly Vinyl… the North Star. I’m seriously pondering the collection of short stories… the “follow-up” to the “Journal Days”. I need to get “Bittersweet-Bitterness” re-done and out on the market. NOT, that I believe it will sell any better but… – And this morning I wonder about my statements against fesses-book. I NEED to get something better than them too. And probably break the connection between the 2 accounts… before they some-how discover the connection. Oh well… – And this year: driver’s license, passport… car registration and insurance. A break fro “Richford” is coming… and I’m not happy about that. Thinking, maybe Jacquie’s. I see no trouble with that, but it’s coming into this horrid little hole. Time… again… will tell. Time. – Well… the sun is shining and it’s about minus 15° out there. And another day commences… another week-end begins. And my stomach is going sour. – Another day. – 14.50 SO fucking TIRED! Back from Jacquie’s where she asked me to help move her Maryrose and got told “Fuck no.” Then back to this pit where, I was no sooner in the door and asked to take the dogs out and Lyle got told “Fuck no.” And the explanation of shoveling snow and dings in the car and such and that the line of “abuse” has been crossed and passed beyond rectification. As well as: When you treat others as they treat you, others think you’re mad at them. Nope… not doing. My motto (as was told to Jacquie today): “FUKKEM”. – And now? To the book… again… ANOTHER “Fuck you”. I shouldn’t have to be doing this re-work… but thanks to Nancy and Eduardo… Again… FUKKEM! – I’m in a miserable state of being. – Well, day’s end recorded from the notes (on Saturday afternoon at Jacquie’s.) I didn’t mean to stay when I came by this morning at about 11.00 but… Jacquie prepped a tuna-melt and so I sat and ate with her. But the shit hit the fan today when she asked me to help her move her Maryrose and she got told, point-blank and to the face “Fukkoff!” As I told her: All of my life I’ve moved all over and nobody ever helped me. So I’ve made it a point to never help anybody else. No. I pointed out that I’ve lived in about 6 places in the 4 years I’ve been in Vermont and nobody helped me move. So… Fukkoff. She took it rather well.. and rather understandingly, I must say. – Then, when I got back to “la cage” (aux folles), Lyle got a dose today as well when he expected me to take the dogs out! He got the “Nobody takes responsibility for anything in this shit-hole state and I’m tired of it. The line of ‘abuse’ has been crossed and I will do what I can and what I feel is in MY best interest and nothing more. If people are pissed with that, well then fine and good because, as it is said ‘When we treat others as they treat us, THEY think we’re angry or just mean.’” I’m tired of the disrespect and being take advantage of. And so… on that, I came to the room to work on the “Bittersweet” journal. – This evening, last minute, I actually got called “Dinner’s ready.” I had TWO franks with them and as I went down-stairs I heard Lyle on the phone to the folks in The Kingdom “We’re out of money again and can’t make the trip this week-end.” I’m tired of hearing that too… THEY have a steady income… I do not. I learn to exist on what I get… THEY obviously have to SHOP! (And even Bob says that Lyle continues to shop on-line every time he gets a couple of dollars. Spoiled little fuktard.) Lyle says Bob spent 300$ on groceries already. Well? Shop frugally… stop buying by the product name. Seriously. I’ve no patience for this shit anymore. – Passed the time this evening with Hallie, from 18.30-20.00. Came back, got into bed and “soc.med” until 22.00. – It’s been, to put it on the “up” side, a fucking miserable day in a fucking bloody miserable mod all fucking day. And as it closes, and I’m exhausted again, my closing thought on the matter:
I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS FUCKING STATE!

Fri.22.Jan: 6.45 Up. Fuckkit. Another day. Feeling shitty. And much to do. 17° in this room. Fukkit. Don’t give a shit! Friday. – 14.27 AND… THE PIPE-WARMING ELECTRIC SHIT IS DONE! 90 MINUTES IN THAT FUCKING CRAWL-SPACE! IN THE DARK, ON MY BACK, ON THE DIRT.. DONE! Perfectly? I doubt it. Will anybody appreciate? I doubt it. But it’s done. I said I would… Now I’ve done. And I come back to the pit, bed linens done, my clothes still in the dryer, at about 13.45 or so and I hear “Oh…. I have to get up and start dinner….” whine whine. So I came up to the room, swept a bit, ran the Hoover, blew the extension cord… I’ll have to remember to look for one at Jacquie’s now, took the dogs out because they haven’t been out all fucking day, came back in, made the bed and am making a tea… I’d LIKE to take a nap, but I’m ITCHING! I NEED TO WASH THE SHIT I WAS WEARING UNDER THAT KITCHEN! But there’s a nice fire in the stove over there for when I go back in a little while. – HLS is making supper. I shan’t be here for that. I’ve nothing of my own really… save some cheese curds. But I don’t care. I want a shower, clean me, clean clothes… clean bed and an early night. I’ll take the Aleve tonight and hope… Since they’re broke, maybe nobody will be here tonight. I can hope. – Oh… and I got all of the entries from the NYC journal done. Now to edit. – 20.49 IN BED IN BED IN BED!!! AT LAST! 4 loads of wash… and EVERYTHING’S CLEAN! A LONG shower at Jacquie’s… scrubbed THRICE! Peppermint Castile, Head and Shoulders and scratchy soap. I’m CLEAN! And JUST now getting into the bed… and the room stinks of popcorn. Les folles were in bed when I came in. But I no sooner got to the room and the dogs barked and the light in the “dining room” went on and the stench of popcorn wafted up. But I’ve taken AlevePM and am having a “Sleepy Time” tea and am hoping to crash until 5.45 tomorrow (or 6.00 at the latest). –
I realised something just now: I have something to “do” EVERY DAY of the week. And even when I don’t, I don’t sleep-in. AND… on the week-ends, when I SHOULD be able to sleep-in, I can’t because I have to get up to check Hallie and the chicken. I have NO days “off”. And it’s been like this since all through the Summer. Is it any wonder that I’m burning out? Nope.
Anyway, I wish I had something to get rid of the stench of popcorn. I wish I could get out of a shower at night and go right to bed. I wish I could walk about the house bare-foot. I wish I could know that when I’m tired, as I am tonight, that I could put my head on the pillow and be reasonably guaranteed that I WON’T be rudely awakened during the night. I wish I could get up in the middle of the night and have a smoke with-out having to get dressed. I wish I could get up in the morning and have a cigarette with my morning coffee. But more than anything, I wish I could close my eyes at the end of the day… and never open them again… and be “gone”… with no chance of coming back. Amen. – But at least, right now, the bed is clean, I am clean, my clothes are clean, I even quickly Hoovered the floor today. (The Hoover is for shit… Bobo probably cleaned the pellet stove with it and the whole thing’s probably caked with that fine soot. No sign of intelligent life here…. Vermont.) – On that note, a quick run through the soc.med. with tea and… lights out… and hopefully (faggots)… SLEEP TRHOUGH THE NIGHT UN-INTERRUPTED! (But I doubt that’s to be… here.) – 20.59 Addendum: I’d no sooner shut this journal down and…. the TV’s on… BOOM BOOM BOOM. But if it gets “bad”… tonight I’m going over to Jacquie’s (and hoping those shits up-stairs don’t pull the same bull-shit there…. as they do). THIS IS NO BETTER THAN THE SHELTER!

Sat.23.Jan: 8.42 The good news: Took the AlevePM at about 20.00 last night and SLEPT THROUGH! The bad news: I just woke up! And now… it’s time to get on the roads again already. – Minus 16° on the local thermos. I haven’t checked the météo yet. But it’s SNAP-COLD out there this morning. – I’m thinking in terms of taking the lap-top to Jacquie’s for the day. Wood stove and kitchen table. Work on the cleaning of the journal. Thinking. First thing in the morning. Not good. Oh well. – And morning coffee make me ill. That shit from next door. I need to figure a way to the market! – (Minus 18/minus 23 on the météo.) – 13.07 Been at Jacquie’s from since about 10.00 this morning… nice fire in the stove, just back in from gathering more of the smaller wood from the pile out back. And it’s been so peaceful all morning. And now… finally… time to put this time to good use (instead of the soc.med.) – 13.19 and caught-up with this part of journalling… now… TO WORK! – 19.57 AND the day is DONE! Back in the pit. Got TWO extension cords to replace the one that blew yesterday. YAY ME! They were in a box, buried under other boxes in the garage at Jacquie’s. It’s as Tony Muscle said (about his cell phone): I needed and God knew I needed, so He arranged to have what I needed where I would find it. (Thank you Tony Muscle… you are NEVER forgotten.) – And it was a FULL day at Jacquie’s, working a bit on the clean-up of the 8539266 journal. Only half through one month. But I got something done on it. It’s interesting, going through this version and just “cleaning it up”. It’s also draining and depressing. I even managed to sleep, in the “desk” chair, at the kitchen table for about 45 minutes. “Nap time”. – Tried to start the Subaru… IT WON’T START! The light in the cabin lights as does the dash, so the battery must be frozen… I can only hope that’s all that’s wrong. It’s been cold of late and I’ve been remiss about starting it. I can only hope. – Sent a “text” to Jacquie saying that she might want to phone the up-stairs twats tomorrow. I’m considering a walk to the Hannaford’s tomorrow and if I walk it all, it’s a 9-hour “stroll”. (We’ll see if she offers a lift… even on Monday. But I’m not counting on it. I know better.) – Well… at about 18.30 I went to the store for a “Hungry Man” frozen dinner. Another 5$ fucked. If that’s what they serve a “hungry man” it’s a wonder ANY men are alive in this country. But, I got 2 Twisted Teas and a box of glazed donuts… just in case. Not much for food. But better than nothing. – Hallie had dinner. The wood-stove is GLOWING embers tonight. Hopefully they’ll be out enough when I get there in the morning to simply toss. If not… into the bucket and the bucket out the door and set-up for Ms. Jacquie’s fire… If I leave in the morning, she won’t have one when she gets in. I’ll have to put something in there that will burn slowly and leave enough embers to simply re-start. Oh well… That’s me. – So, when I just got in, their Eric is here and all are ensconced watching a Disney movie… quietly. How charming. (Thankfully, I wasn’t here for dinner. I’d’ve been sitting on the edge of a chair… I may not have had much to eat this evening… in addition to the HUGE bowl of oatmeal I had a Jacquie’s for lunch.. but at least I got to sit comfy at table to eat the little I did have.) Anyway, that’s the news for now. – It’s 21° in the room at the moment. How nice. I’m deciding between a “Sleepy Time” or a “Twisted” tea at the moment. The hot tea is enticing, but the twisted tea is attractive… but cold. Oh well. Tomorrow’s Sunday… no prob. I just SHOULD be ON THE ROAD by about 9.00 to be back by about 18.00. We shall see what we see then. Oh right… I just got reminded that I’ll have to bring the back-pack tomorrow (it just fell over… on it’s own… a reminder). – Off to a little “soc.med.” and then to “nighty-nigh-nite” for me… SOON. –

Sun.23.Jan: 9.01 JUST up from my smoke after coffee. The 6.00 alarm sounded and I turned it off and went back to sleep. 16° in the room and I’m in a sweat. NOT feeling “well” at all this morning. Truly quite horrid. Stomach is bloated (but I didn’t have a bm yesterday either, as I think of it). I look all “pasty” this morning too. Hmm… I wonder. The windows are frosted and the thermo out the door reads 2°F. Chilly one, this morning. And I’m still contemplating the walk to Enosburgh. It’s a pain in the arse to think that there really is no choice in the matter since the Subaru won’t kick over. Stuck? Pretty much. When I mentioned it to David last night he asked “Isn’t there anybody who could give you a ride to the frackin store?” I have to keep thinking: NO… not in this town there isn’t. And this morning I think: Jacquie was going to help her Maryrose on Tuesday, but it snowed so she didn’t. But she’d said we’d go to Bedford on Wednesday, but because she didn’t go to Maryrose on Tuesday, WE got cancelled. Ah… In “real” life, if something is planned on one day, and an “act of Nature” thwarts that plan, the next plan gets done on the following day and the cancelled appointment is moved to the next opportunity. But it was quick and easy to simply cancel the plans with “me”… and move on. OK. I’m being “sensitive” and according to others, selfish and inappropriate. Oh well then. – I need to take a dump now… and so I shall… and in about an hour… the day will commence… no matter what. – 11.06 WELL!
*** JUST BACK FROM A QUICK VISIT TO JACQUIE’S AND… THE BACK DOOR WAS OPEN… NO NOTE ON THE KITCHEN TABLE… NO FIRE IN THE STOVE… BUT IT APPEARS THAT SOME-ONE HAS ATTENDED TO HALLIE THIS MORNING. I’d sent a message saying that I was going to walk into Enosburgh today and that somebody would have to attend to Hallie during the day… “during the day”. But… as it appears, somebody already has. So I simply looked into the kitchen, noted the situation, and I’m back at la cage… for the day. OK THEN!!! NO RUNNING BACK AND FORTH TODAY. I’VE BEEN… “DISMISSED”. No reply to my message. So THAT TELLS ME ALL THAT I NEED TO KNOW. FUCK YOU. FUCK ME. FUCK… IT ALL. As I say: the line of “abuse” has been crossed. ***
And on with this day. I’ve got editing to do and shall do that. The temperature out there is just hitting plus 4°F and I’m dressed and not bothering with the rest of the bull-shit today. – 24.08 TOO LATE AGAIN! – Did some edit work on BSB, no messages from Jacquie at all. I never did go back over there today. Had a bit of chicken soup with B&L at “lunch time” and then some rice breakfast cereal this evening and 2 spoons of peanut butter just a bit ago. – A bit of chat with David but honestly, today I wasn’t in the mood. – Posted an “Obama” reference from my journal to the soc.med. accounts. Funny, but I KNEW back then that this wasn’t going to be any good. – Well now… it’s chilly in the room, the TV is on loud enough to hear. I don’t know if “they” fed the poor dogs, but Dixie is so affectionate with me. She shyly came to the door of the room today and waited to be asked in. She’s such a MARVEL! (I worry though… since, last night, she got so cold I had to carry her into the house.) – Time for lights out and a nap! No more… just a NAP!

Mon.25.Jan: 6.10 Tired. But awake. And contemplating the walk into Enosburgh again this morning. We shall see. Only contemplating. – Just up from smoke. At least it’s not bitter cold out there today. Contemplating. – At least I got those duplicate entries on the BSB journal fixed. Every time I think of it I want SO much to “throat-punch” the 2 who told me it was “fine”. CANNOT TRUST ANYBODY! CANNOT! –
23.33
Worked, most of the morning, on the BSB journal. SO much needs to be done on this version! SO much that SHOULD have been done first time around! SO tempted to post truthful blurbs on the soc.med. with names mentioned. To think that I published such trash and people paid to receive it. Trust. I trusted those 2 bits of shits to edit for me. And then… Robin and Gwyn and Silas… such bull-shit people in my life! But… I move on and forward and focus on getting THIS one right. – Bob came to fetch Lyle round about noon, to take him to the MD and I took advantage of the time alone… and broke out the boots for the first time in quite the while. And I must say, today’s “results” were, to me, impressive. Much and greatly needed, indeed… and it was followed by a refreshingly hot shower; how wonderful! – Later on, I strolled over to Jacquie’s for a “check-in”… SHE’D BOUGHT ME A 500 tab BOTTLE OF VITAMIN C AT COSTCO! I asked the price and she very plainly and kindly said “I’m not telling you.” Vitamin C! I told her that I actually CAN notice and feel the difference and thanked her SO much! And most sincerely, I AM thankful! – She’s broken her pinky, left hand! Took a “client” to a function at a club in Burlington and fell in the dark. I’d say she’s got a law-suit there, but she’s like me: self-repair so as not to lose time on the job. 71 years old and she has to worry about a job! This country, these times are a fuck-up. How wonderful to be old enough to welcome Death these days. How miserable that it should come to this and that anybody should think such a thing. The world… is lost with no “repair” insight. – When I mentioned needing to get to Hannaford’s, she immediately offered the truck and got her coat on… and was ready to hand me the keys to the truck! I had to come to la cage to get my totes and … as I came in, B&L were in the kitchen preparing their dinner. The news from the MD today: “nodules” on the liver that could lead into ca. It’ll be interesting to see if any life-style will be modified. I doubt it though. I probably should be more compassionate, but fact is, I can’t be. Again… if one allows such ailments and actively pursues such things, as is the case here, “sympathy” is about impossible and the obesity and abuse and attitudes and such? Nope. I guess I’ve used my allotment of sympathy and have none left. – Jacquie and I were off and on the road! I brought my 2 bags of bottles(which I see got posted TO my FS card as cash! 1,49$ now… WTF will I do with that amount? it should have been deducted from my purchase, jeezus, the system and such are fucked-up). Anyhoo… I bombed into the market and grabbed: 4xcoffee, 1xcreamer, 6xChunkySoups, Earl Grey and peppermint and licorice tea, 1x”SimpleLife” breakfast cereal. I wasn’t sure how much I could get this trip, but it all came to only about 40-something and I forgot to get “nightie-noshes”. Oh well… BUT… we’d brought a box of empties to bring to the recycling place in Enosburgh and when I got THERE, I splurged…. I’ve a small bottle of “Absolut” now, in the “larder”! Not for the “need” but more for the “want”. So… now I need the tonic to go with… Sad that the store in town carries only “diet”… Retardia at its best. But the vodka is available… at last! – When we got back to the house, dinner… 2 lamb chops and Jacquie had cooked the last one of the Summer squash. Almost sad… the Summer’s garden is now… done. But it won’t be too much longer and we’ll get another garden on the way… IF I must. I’m not really looking forward to it… I’m NOT looking forward to being in this town come Summer. But, with the HATE of the world always at the ready to attack me… – So after a most WONDERFUL dinner, we watched the news, which, for me, is a delight, I took Hallie out for a few strolls in the mean-while. – Left at about 22.00. – Back at la cage, I put the “shopping” in the “larder, took Dixie and Ellie out for last smoke, chatted with Lyle for about 30 minutes and now, at this hour, having my “Tension Tamer” tea…. – I NEED SLEEP!!! SO TIRED!!!! JUST EXHAUSTED!

Tue.26.Jan: 9.15 JUST coming up from the FIRST smoke. JUST waking up! In all fairness, I didn’t get to sleep until almost 2.00 this morning. Worked a bit on the BSB journal before finally turning lights out. I wasn’t going to go to sleep at all but thought better of it. 3 hours wasn’t going to be enough. But I tried for the “nap”… and my body took the extra time. 2gm of vit.C last night and another this morning… with BUSTELO! GOOD morning “normal”. – It was snowing when I woke. Turned to rain while I was out with the dogs, turned back to snow and is now back to rain. Oh well… January… and it’s almost over already! Time… what a fucker. – And now… on with the day. – Tomorrow, a day of “Back’n’forth”. Jacquie will be gone all day already. Then into the regular Thursday-Sunday routine. Full week? For me anyway. – 21.56 LATE AGAIN. But just back from Jacquie’s and a wonderful dinner where we finished the last of the Summer squash, chicken in a lemon-wine Bearnaise, and cous-cous (I believe) and it was AMAZING! AND… I’d been invited to dine a la cage on 2 pork sausages, Brussels sprouts and chips. But I don’t think the sausage was properly cooked because my stomach… well … TWO emergencies at Jacquie’s this evening! And my stomach is STILL off. Hopefully the licorice spice tea will be of some help over night. – Dixie and Ellie were SO THRILLED when I came in this evening! SO THRILLED! Poor little sweet-hearts. They’re probably ignored except for me. – And so, I’m going to have my tea, hit the soc.med. and hopefully to sleep. – Tomorrow begins my “week-end”. Jacquie’s going to be out from about 8-18.00 tomorrow. But… I can get some of the house-work and wood done tomorrow making for an easier rest of the time. AND… maybe I can get MOST of the BSB journal done over the week-end! THAT would be a pure delight.

Wed.27.Jan: 8.13 and once again… slept past the 6.00 alarm. But, this morning, feeling much better than I have in quite the while. Vitamin C? Perhaps. Stomach’s still not well, but the rest of me is pretty good. – Last night, a message from David: was thinking of just getting into the car and driving for as long as possible, would stop by and pick me up, and another photo. And perhaps it’s my interpretation, but the words and other messages seem a bit curt, as if full of expectations of all sorts of “personal attachments” and the likes. The expectations that I should be on-line and “there” at all times. Perhaps it’s a touch of loneliness. Perhaps it’s a reaching out of some sort. But for me, it’s an air of “demand”, and I’m in no frame of mind or spirit for such things. And it’s becoming annoying. I don’t want to sever communications. But I most certainly don’t want an “affair” of this sort (nor any other sort for that matter) at this juncture. I explain that I’m covering the 2 houses and such. And the replies are almost “rote” in their understanding. But I have to admit… it’s becoming “heavy”, for lack of a better description. – Moving to the day: yes, I’ll drop by Jacquie’s today, attend Hallie, clean a bit, try to get some wood in for the week next. And here a la cage, pellets need hauling… again. 1400 pounds are almost gone. I wonder where and how. But be it as it may… it must be done and I “should” (not “must” but “should) replenish. And I shall. – Trash day today… and thankfully, I have none. – Snow this morning, but the little “pellets”, not flakes. Cold, but not bitter. There’s been “snow” in the forecast. – It’ll be an interesting day. I’m sure. – 14.57 AND… 17 bags of pellets at la cage, another week’s-worth of wood at Jacquie’s, Mme. Blanche-Noir, a few dishes and the kitchen floor at Jacquie’s is DONE! 2 months of BSB edited. And I’m sitting to an Earl Grey because… I’ve got the soups, this morning I got smokes, bread and cookies, but didn’t get anything for dinner. (I still can get to that when I get dinner for Ms. Hallie… I hope. Something to pop into the micro-wave there… I hope.) – My back is a touch “out”. The left side this time. Usually it’s the right. – The “review” for FS came in today’s post. C’est toute. – Lyle is in the lounge, the oven is on. And I’m in a “right mood” right now. NOT “happy” about much. – Off to post photos to David of the wood-moving today (as a way of explaining what it is I do with my “time”). – Editing the BSB doesn’t help my “mood” because of all the extra time given on the job and all the “nice” in the shelter. It just makes me pissed… at me! – OH! And whilst I was at Jacquie’s, her “Maryrose” rang to ask “Do you have the dollie?” to help HER move. Fukkoff! Really! Syrian Christian, that one. Call Obama. Call Trudeau. Let THEM get you a bloody “dollie”. Shit! They’d probably send the Fed to help you pack and move… not to mention, a free place in which to reside. Makes me SICK! – 21.44 IN BED AT LAST! – Invited to dinner this evening… pork chop. PORK! What is with these people and their PORK? I had one (that was already on the plate for me), a small baked potato and some carrots (not from the garden). Indeed, it was tasty and indeed, it didn’t take long because after dinner, I went over to Hallie and had to use the loo. Pork… it does my body no good. – But I stopped at the store before (about 18.30) to get a half’n’half, rice breakfast cereal, sugar and jelly donuts for snacks and went to Jacquie’s where Hallie got dinner and I had 2 small bowls of cereal. I was hungry and craved the dairy fat. Washed the dish and took Hallie out for the walk and as we were coming back into the house (to a nice fire that I’d re-started… using the box from the cereal so that it didn’t take up so much space in the “larder” in the room)… Jacquie returned. I intended to be back and in bed early but… stayed for a beer and “O’Reilly”. – Well… got back to la cage, took the dogs out, and Lyle bade me a good night… so, there we have it. Day is done. – Jacquie commented on the pile of wood in the kitchen… favourably. Nobody here comments on all the pellets on the porch though. Just goes to show. – Now… tea, cookies, soc.med. and to sleep I hope. – Work on the BSB: “MarginNotes” and I’m trying to simply tie them together. 36 pages of this segment. I’m on page 9. Must get me together better. But the week-end is coming and there’s Saturday at Jacquie’s with-out interruption, if I so choose.

Thu.27.Jan: 6.22 I woke before the alarms this morning, to the chill of the room and the frost over the windows. My back was “pinged” last night so I took Aleve before going to sleep and was out by at least 23.00 last night. This morning, it’s “stiff” but OK enough to get out of bed this morning. I still feel the Aleve but I suppose I can stay awake since I got up before the alarms. – It’s about 18° in the room now, having the door open when I went for my smoke. I can only hope it won’t get cold. The door is open a bit anyway so I won’t need the heater. – The day? Probably a few more bags of pellets to the porch and to arrange the fire-wood at Jacquie’s. And the week-end? Well… Jacquie wants the hand-truck from the barn by Sunday or Monday… to help her Maryrose. – Maryrose… Syrian. But this morning I thought, as I stood on the back porch, in the glow of a bit of moon-light: I don’t want to be judged by preconceptions about Jews… I truly shouldn’t judge her by my notions about Syrians. It’s not quite “fair” and it certainly isn’t “correct”. But it’s there. Oh well. I said I’d get the hand-truck. Now I must. I just hope that nothing happens to it. “Trust”… i have none. – Another day… and obviously, another day I have to work with… after all… here I am… awake, breathing and “I sat up and took nourishment”. – 21.12 In bed again at last! It’s “mysteriously” warm out there tonight. And when I went to Jacquie’s to get Hallie her dinner, I had this horrible, “pressure” around me, a sense of “something’s not right tonight”. When, after Hallie (and I) had dinner (I had frozen chicken patties with cheese curds x3) and we went out for a stroll, a crow… I heard it as it flew about but couldn’t see it in the dark. A crow? Flying at night? Unusually warm. And the sense that something was happening, is happening or will happen… and it was almost depressing. I wonder. – The day? More work on BSB. Nasty comments about my “education” in early school, being told that “all Germans were Nazis” during the war. Again, today, being told I’m “sad”, “bitter”, and the denial that anything of the sorts happened to Oma and Opa. 2nd and 3rd times on fesses-book. Last time too. Instant “blocks”. Time to leave fesses-book and return to the more intelligent days of Twitter, I should think. – All the wood on one pallet is now in Jacquie’s house. I brought about 7 more bags of pellets (if not a few more) up to the porch today. I think I’ll change my name to “Woodhauler”. But, I earn my keep… – Still trying to shed the “opinion” of Jacquie’s Maryrose. I know it’s wrong to “judge” her simply on her being “Syrian” and “Catholic”. But both are, I’ve experienced, not the nicest people. And yet, I must remember how many people have told me how much I’ve changed their opinions of Jews. – Well then… so much for this day. A little “soc.med.”, a mug of tea, a couple of donuts and off to sleep… I hope. Tomorrow… sort the remaining wood at Jacquie’s… do my laundry… clean the kitchen floor… and hope for an early turn-in for Shabbat.

Fri. 28.Jan: 6.13 and it was lights-out at about mid-night last and up before the 5.30 alarm this morning to a back-ache. I wonder what it would be like to wake in the morning with-out back-ache. Hmmm….. – I’m “blocked” on TWO fesses-book accounts today: the author and Jude. I have “Iona” and “Ernest Lee Hemmingslax” though and this morning, they shall announce: I’m off fesses-book and can be found on the others. Enough is too much now. – But it’s a rather cool, not cold morning, this. And not too much that has to be done. Laundry, and re-arranging the wood-pile mostly. And this evening? I could have a Twisted Tea or a vodka-tonic if I wish. So there’s a nice “Shabbat” to look forward to… this evening. – 23.11 In bed… CLEAN… AT LAST! – By 10.00 I was out the door and over to get breakfast for Hallie. Cleaned the wood-stove, re-piled the cedar and found another week’s worth of non-cedar wood for the stove! AND… I even started another fire in it to keep the electric heater from having to run. Hey! AND… managed to get my beard trimmed, teeth cleaned, moustache trimmed and a shave before showering! Bed linens and week’s clothes washed as well as the “work clothes” I wore to much about in the wood. – Spent most of the day at Jacquie’s because of the laundry and such. – Dropped by early this afternoon at la cage. Lyle was awake… preparing a “roast” for their dinner. All he said was: “We’re having a roast for dinner tonight.” Very nice. But I had another load of wash in the machine at the time (clothes) and one more to go. – Me? I had the last 3 “chicken patties” with the left-over cheese “curds” on frankfurter rolls. But they sufficed. – Got back to la cage round about 19.30… and early evening. Came in, made the bed, and brought the dogs out for ‘moke’n’peepee and to sweep the snow that had fallen, from the back stoop and porch. – Bob came out to have a smoke too. Good to see that he’s taking some of his money for something HE enjoys. – Bed made and dogs back in, I connected with David on Skype this evening. How strange to be on Skype and not with Viv. But, that ship has sailed… and sunk. It was nice to chat with David, although he appears to have become quite “attached” to me. Thankfully, we dabbled into the matter of “relationships” and he insists that I’m a “friend”, although he’s again offered a place for me to go to, should things get too horrid here. I wonder. – Well… I’d gone to the store today for a bottle of “diet” tonic (ick), bag of crisps and box of donuts… but when I got in, as I “Skyped” with David, I had the Twisted Tea instead. Oh well. Having licorice tea now before sleep. – Much shit from feses-book this evening. The “24 hour” block on the “Jude” added another day! I’m “officially” through with fesses-book. The 1st of February is “Delete Day”. (The main reason for connecting with David on Skype… Honestly, I don’t want to lose contact with him… especially since I’m considering giving Maine a try for work and such.) – On “Ernest”, both Bob & Lyle are now on the “communicating” list. Not much from them other than something pissed Bob off today and he posted that he was full of “hate” this afternoon, with photo of him driving in the car! AND, that “meme” about working to pay taxes to support people who can, but won’t work. I have to wonder… if I’m anything to do with that. – I keep in mind: I don’t eat their food, the room isn’t heated most of the time so I don’t take from their heating, I do my wash and take my shower at Jacquie’s so I’m not using their hot water nor the electric for the washer nor the gas for the dryer. I’m here in case Lyle needs (although I tried again to start the car today and it won’t turn over… I fear the gas line is frozen… but that’ll remedy when the temperatures rise again). I’m not a nuisance round the place, staying very much to myself. BUT… I DO bring bags of pellets up to the porch… meaning, I have to climb the stairs with them, so that they can simply bring a bag in through the door. (If they’d open that back door directly into the “antique parlour”, as they call it, they could simply bring the bags in almost directly to the stove. But that’s none of my business.) The snow gets removed in a timely fashion so that Bob can get in after work and if Lyle needs medical attention, he can get out with-out trouble. Well… that’s how I see it anyway. – For now, I’m crashing and tea is steeping and I’ve got the alarms set for 6.00 at the latest. – Tomorrow… Breakfast with Ms. Hallie and perhaps a day of working on the BSB over there. I’d just like to wake tomorrow with-out pain. But I’d like to wake tomorrow to a car that starts, in a state that’s not retardedly liberal. – Oh… Today, Lyle said “There are many things about Trump that I like. I’ll probably have to vote for him. He’s STILL stuck on Bernie. But I swayed that a bit by pointing out that Bernie will be taxing EVERYBODY at almost 80%. I doubt it had any effect. Some folks is dense. – Well… time to roll along here, post these 11 pages on-line… Net month is coming FAST! – (Oops… I don’t think I did the 20.00 post to Jacquie. Oh well… tomorrow then. Tomorrow is going to be easy on me. The “heavy” work got done today! YAY!

Sat.29.Jan: 8.35 Slept trough the alarms again this morning. To think, I’d had only the Twisted Tea and had seriously pondered a vodka. And I woke, heavy. “Heavy” this morning. “Down”, really. And I woke from a
DREAM:
I was in a crowd, at some function, a “lawn party” or something of the sort, and I was looking for the way out of it. Looking for the parking lot or a way to get to the street. I happened to see some young fellow, dark hair, blue eyes, from high school. When I saw him I was both happy and yet, wary. He was dressed well, casual, but well, and was with some meagre sort of fellow, in a baseball cap and rather dishevelled. When he saw me, he smiled and I had to pass by him so I simply walked toward him, expecting some sort of hassle when he greeted me most welcomingly. The he turned to his chum and said, quite seriously “I want you to meet somebody. This guy is amazing! He’s making a clear 50 grand a year! He’s a genius! He knows EVERYTHING!” He was tyring to impress his chum for some reason. And the fact was, he and I never really had anything to say to one-another, from school to that very moment. I didn’t know what he was getting at, but he obviously had the wrong ideas about me because, there I was, unemployed, nothing but the books to my credit and with-out a car. I was waling to get out of the crowd and had to walk to where-ever it was I was going. I wanted to discourage the compliments, but said nothing, more to see where he was going with all of his compliments. I didn’t say anything, to let him continue, knowing, all the while, that he was wrong… I woke.
OK. So what a way to begin a day. – Just up from a smoke withe Ellie. I don’t know where Dixie is. – I wonder if they ate dinner last night. I happened to bump into the container where their food is and it appeared empty! (I gave Dixie 2 of those chicken jerky treats. I brought about 6 over with me from Jacquie’s. I don’t know what to do about the dogs not eating. I bothers me so much.) – Likewise, in spite of the fact that I know it shouldn’t, that “meme” Bob posted is bothering me this morning too. – My “existence” is bothering me this morning. No “job” and nothing in the foreseeable future. And I’m all but 61 years of age already. Social Security? I wonder if that’ll be ripped from me because of the IRS bull-shit. I’ll be left with nothing. Old… and left with nothing…and to think of how much I put into the work that I do…that I’ve always done. And, although it truly means nothing.. how negatively judgemental others are of me. Oh well… Everybody’s got an opinion… and in the long run, the truth of the matter is: opinions of others mean nothing, serve no purpose, are, essentially, useless. – I’m not feeling very “well” this morning. Sinus pains in the jaw, and a little nauseated. Who knows? As I thought yesterday: I wonder what it would be like to wake in the morning, completely pain-free. (Nobody knows how truly depressed I am… all of the time… and if I were to tell them…it would make no difference to any of them. Quite alone I am … as usual. – Well… almost time to get to Ms. Hallie. I’m trying to decide whether to bring the lap-top and stay the day there or not. Part of me would rather not… but the fact is: It’s warmer over there. Darker, but warmer. Here, in the room, it’ brighter… colder, but brighter. Its’ to be another “Kadima” day… just move forward… blindly, and see where we got to when the day is done. –

(WTF happened to the 30th?)

14.03 Well… there’s a fire in the wood-stove, and some more wood brought into the kitchen. Hallie’s had her breakfast and some walking, Mme. Blanche-Noire has had her morning chat. I got my tax forms printed from on-line, and made toasted shit-frank-buns x3. I swept the front walk and stoop (just in time before B&L returned from shopping) and… well… I am so tired, exhausted and from doing nothing. But tea water is coming to the boil back in the room and the day, dreary as it is, continues – (*Wrap-up* for today… at:
2.51 on Sunday morning….) Well, I’ve had a semi-enjoyable 3 v-tons this evening as I’ve deleted so much of the photos on the fesses-book accounts of Jude, Iona and Ernest Lee. Still not certain as to whether I should simply close and delete or just leave them. In any event, I don’t intend to use them. Fesses-book has GOT to go! I will keep Judah though… and just for the publicity of the books. Oh… and the “Atelier”? That’s there too. Not that it’s done me any good. I should keep “Judah” open because of Mr.G’s. NOT, mind, that anybody’s really paying that any mind. But at least it comes up on a “Ggle” search and that’s nice. Maybe some day. – But I got onto Twtr this evening and WELL! WOW! AND GOD IT WAS GOOD TO BE “BACK” WITH FOLKS THERE! – I also had a nice chat with Lyle, in the parlour, until round about mid-night:15. – About Twtr though…. REMARKABLE! I actually got into a “chat” with “BigLou” and “Jay”! Lou remembers how he and I bantered a bit, back and forth, when I was in the shelter… and it was the time when he’d lost both his parents and was justifiably miserable. HE REMEMBERS! AND… he THANKED me for being there for him and helping him through the time! Meanwhile, Jay remembered me from those days as well, and THANKED me for getting him to laugh at a tough time for him too! HE actually sent “hugs” and a “love” for it! Honestly, they BOTH had me crying quite a bit. But when I went down for my last smoke (at almost 2.45 this morning), I recalled “Steve” (I think… I’ll have to look him up on the other Twtr acct.)… sent home from hospital with a cath that he wanted to remove himself. How long he and I posted back and forth on Twtr whilst I rode the trains about NYC… and I recall SO well, being on the Flushing train (to where, I’m not certain, but I remember waiting for the train to come above ground), giving instructions on how to remove the cath… and him finally posting that it was done… and the trail of messages from SO many others who were following along… and the comments of “Whew!” and “I can breathe now!” and “I don’t believe I’ve been following this all along!” and the “Thanks”… from “Steve” and the total strangers. *I DID GOOD*. And for Lou… who thanked me SO much this morning… *I DID GOOD*. And for Jay, who sent me several “WOW”s… *I DID GOOD*. And THEY? For me, THEY DID GOOD! “Friends”… So I posted a nasty comment on 3 fesses-book accounts about the matter, and stressed that I have “Friends” on Twtr and NOT on fesses-book. Yes… Martha, Nancy, Adrian… Jason, Brent, Austin… and David of course. But… fesses-book makes the situation miserable. On Twtr: Mia, Jay, Lou, Michelle, in particular… and over all these YEARS! Social media at it’s best. Let’s see who, if anybody, cares enough to change the venue and keep in touch from fesses-book. I doubt anybody will. Oh well… that’s “Life”. – Meanwhile, the clock has passed the 3.00 hour… on Sunday morning, and I MUST MUST MUST FORCE myself to get up and about NOT later than 8.00!!!!! Time for a “nap”. Hopefully the v-tons will help with a prompt “lights out” all round. – The day went along, I napped for almost 2 hours. Heard Bob call for dinner but was too damned tired to even reply. (This evening I was told that they’d made tomato-basil soup… and there was enough for me to heat a serving at about 20.30 when I returned from Jacquie’s where I’d heated some of her “lemon-wine chicken”, melted cheese curds on it and ate it on 3 frank buns… not bad… not great… but better than nothing. So I declined “their” soup this evening. I continue to think: a room not on the heating system, the door is closed most of the time so the room doesn’t take heat from the rest of the house, I don’t use much electric, I launder and shower at Jacquie’s… it doesn’t “cost” them to have me here and I pull some of my own weight about with grounds maintenance and the fact that I’m here… in a possible “emergency”. I do good. Yes, I do.

Sun.31.Jan: 12.10 Moving on about 5 hours’ sleep here. Maybe even less. Didn’t get to “sleep” until almost 3.00 this morning. Woke BEFORE 5.00 and “dozed” until the 6.00 alarm which got turned off and… another “doze” until the 7.45 which I didn’t even hear. At about 9.00 I woke, feeling as if I’d been up all night, dragged down an old dirt road form the back of an old truck. But got up, got dressed and headed out to Jacquie’s where, the stove is now burning nicely on this REALLY WARM 40°F day, Hallie got breakfast, the chicken got fresh water and was a delight to be with (if only I’d felt better and well enough to “hang” with her). The kitchen floor got swept and damp-mopped with a bit of “Clorox Clean-Up”, and… I’m drained of energy and ambition. It would be a lovely day to take a walk… even up to Bedford. But, I recall, at some point during the “night”, a bit of a
DREAM
I was out, on the road, some road similar to the 135 into Sutton. It was dark. I was in my green jacket, the road was “wet” with melted snow and ice but it was a comfortably warm night. I was alone and suddenly quite concerned about walking on the road, in the dark, dressed in dark colours. That’s the only bit I can recall.
(Oh my… 12.17 and I DO believe I’ve just seen Kerry walking by. Well… the stove’s going, the floor’s clean, so too, the porch. NOT, mind, that I believe anybody takes note. They WILL note that the kitchen table is a mess of papers and mail and such though. THAT much I’m sure they’ll notice. I don’t much give a fuck.) – Now… to catch-up with the few notes and the “wrap-up” of yesterday… which is, actually, this morning.) – 15.35 Just waking from another “nap”… of several hours. But today, I’m not so concerned… The “nap” must have been necessary… sleep… where-ever one may get it. – (On Monday morning here…) Another day passed right along with a bit of social media, some more work (and the last of it, I will add) on images to make the point about the censorship of the fesses-book. 7 images, 6 of which didn’t have an error, so 6 of which got posted to all the other soc.med. I’m on. – I, and my guts, were all out of sorts for most of the day. But I managed to muddle through. – No invites to dinner, so at about 22.00 I had a tin of that “Chunky” soup… for dinner. – But I DID sit and watch “Another Gay Movie” with B&L which put me too late to drop by Jacquie’s. I suspect she was at Jes&Kerry’s for dinner anyway. Seems they’re in town, Pam’s Dave had an accident of sorts and so they too are in this week-end. So I’m rather certain they all gathered for dinner this evening. Ah…. “life in a Northern town”… and me? I had a bit of “down” time for me… and, I have to admit, wasted time. Still, it was “my” time, all told. – Popped onto Skype at round about 22.00 to a brief from David who tends to, or so it seems, almost whine about not being able to chat back and forth… that I’m not “on” at all times. I wonder: people like that don’t seem to understand that even Skype is nothing different from ye olde telephone. One dials, the phone rings… and if nobody’s there to answer, well then, that’s how it is. But they can leave a message and I will return their message when I can… and for those (he) who have any meaning at all in my life, I DO check daily and I DO leave notes and messages (unlike a certain somebody who couldn’t even take the moment to log-on and leave even a word). Oh well. Oh well, indeed. – And tonight was another “late” night that ran into mid-night, and the last 3 donuts with a peppermint tea. How, I wonder, have I managed to gain almost 20lbs over this Winter? I’m not eating any more than usual. I am MUCH less active than over the Summer. But 20lb? Oh my. (Tumour… that’s all I can think of. Take me out quickly please and thank you… and soon please and thank you.) – Well then… another day gone… another week-end gone… another month gone… and… another year well into itself. – Oh, by the way… yesterday Jada told me that she’s already received her tax forms from the PO. I’ve not yet. And I’m miffed about that as well. The world… always ready with the hot-prod-fuck.