Deathember 2016

I wished upon a shooting star: Get me out of here and back to New York before Christmas.

Thu.1.Deathember
9.08 Well I was up until about 2.00 this morning, on Woodhauler and Kessler on the Twit and on the Gab. And so, at 2.00, it was lights out. At 5.45 the alarm sounded and I was actually quite rather “napped”. I got up, turned the light back on and dozed. The 6.00 alarm sounded and I turned that off, deciding to wait until the 7.00 alarm… and dozed. At 7.00, again, the alarm sounded. I turned that off and… woke at about 8.35. The room, this morning, is actually quite warm. I don’t know HOW, but it is. And out-side, the air is clear from last night’s wind and rain, the sky is clearing the o’er the border, and it’s comfortable cool, not cold. I’ve had my coffee, ‘moke and loo and haven’t the energy to “do” anything much, let alone type this entry. It’s “December”. FUCK ME! Not only does it gnaw at me that I’m still breathing and typing and journalling, it eats at me that I’m still in this shit-hole. And too, the thoughts, again, of things missing from my life, the little things that mean so much to me and nothing to anybody else. Truly, there’s no returning of anything at this juncture. Everything is either sold-off so many times to strangers far, wide, un-known and un-knowable or in some distant land-fill in places I’ll never know, probably have never visited and never will find. But the people who were and remain responsible, the “I’m so sorry” and “That’s not how it was” are still skipping, tripping and lah-dee-dahing their way through the days, with ups and downs and all sorts of oblivious bull-shit. Never caring then, certainly not caring now, and never will care at all. Mum used to say that she didn’t fear death, not Heaven nor Hell. “After this, there is no Hell. After this there is only Peace because THIS, right here, is Hell.” And, indeed, it is. The Jews believe that Hell is only 365 days, unless Kaddish is said to decrease the sentence. Nah… Thus far, my Hell has been about 22.385 days. I guess I’m not worth even the Kaddish. No surprise. – I call this month “Deathember”. The end of another year… perhaps by calling it so, it will become the fact. How lovely would that be? Indeed… perfect. But that I should even entertain the notion is stupid. My days will go on and on, of course. Those who love “life” are denied… Those of us for whom ‘life” is a curse are destined and doomed to put up with it into Eternity. – I have to note that only a day or two ago, Jacquie and I sat at table, she told me “You don’t know how much I appreciate your being here. If not for you, I’d have to put Hallie into a kennel every week-end.” (Well, yes, and 75$ every week for that.) I told her: It’s disgusting to think of such a thing because her being put into a kennel is, in my mind, the same as me having been in a shelter. And most certainly, it is. Stark, only basic comforts if any at all, strangers all round, even to the meals; in a kennel the food is all but tossed and so too, in a shelter for people. “You don’t know how much I appreciate your being here.” I suppose I have some idea and that, to an extent, it’s true. But no, I don’t know… Well, the dog is magically taken care of (and I say so with-out animosity at all), the wood is magically brought into the house and stacked, magically the floors are cleaned and house maintained, magically it all gets done. What would I like in return? Help… as usual… to get the fuck out of here… Fuck the magic. Help me get out of here. (There are little “posters”: Benefit lunch or some such shit, for so-and-so and thus-and-such. Crowd-funders because somebody’s suffered so. Others… Them… and never me. Yeah, but I’m being selfish. How RUDE!) – Deathember… 2016 is almost gone and 2017 lurks just there, round the bend, o’er the horizon, on the next page of the old calendar. 2017. 62 years of age. 2017… a nice year number. It’s got a “7”… Do you love me 7 enough to take me away from this shit? – 9.30 and the morning sun finally makes its way in through the window. This day begins… so too this month… that will end this year. – 9.52 INTERESTING NOTE: judah, judaha and jude are NOT AVAILABLE on the new gmx e-mail platform! SOMETHING is NOT correct here! I wonder ETF is going on! – 22.12 IN BED! Since I mentioned it last: the gmx site takes the IP address and because the request for another account came in fro the same IP (all of Fuklin) it got blocked. But they sent an e-mail and I sent back a request to un-block. Hopefully it’ll all work out. We shall see in the morning. – The day today went… along. Jacquie left at about 13.00, I took a nap from 14.30-15.30 and then started working on bringing the fire-wood from the back into the garage using the hay cart. It went rather well, indeed. Then off to the store for a last pack of smokes for the week-end because I’ve got no cash. Today was the 1st. She should be getting some rent at the beginning of the week. Maybe I’ll get another pack? Maybe I wont . She’s probably pissed at me for something… like the “PTSD” Dave mentioned. What…ever. Shit. But her fire-wood is in the fucking garage now. I SO want to just get out of here. I have to figure this all out now and just go. I’ve done it before… I can do it again. Only this THIS time… no coming back! – There’s a fire in the wood-stove and the house is chilled again. I know that when she leaves she turns the thermostat down… probably to lowest. Fine… I’ll go through the fire-wood. No prob. We shall see. What… ever. – Other than that? Floors and laundry and the sage from the garden are the only things on the agenda now. I need to push the book on-line this week-end and hope. Fuck me. – Right now, I should probably grab a shower… I don’t have the energy. So… soc.med. and to sleep! I’ve had MORE than enough of this day, indeed. – Ms. Hallie got her luvins though. THAT is truly really IMPORTANT. Sweet little spoiled creature. Luv her. – I can only hope with all my heart and being that m’Dixie’s being treated with LOVE. Those fucking shits over there. Karma? HIT IT! –

Fri.2.Dec: 10.15 If you can believe this. Slept through the alarms. Looked at the clock at 8.30 and dozed back off until 9.30! Only just now, Hallie’s had breakfast and I’ve done my coffee, loo and smoke. Re-stoked the stove, and am waiting for it to “kick-up”. In no particular rush for it this morning. It’s a bit tough when the very air on the drizzly morning causes nausea. There’s not much on the “agenda” for the day. Postings to the Internet for the book and such and to get the “sage” in from the garden. perhaps put it and the parsley up-stairs in the “plant room”… perhaps. It’s difficult when just being awake causes such depression and despair. Laundry too. Oh well. Just stuff to fill the time of day. And that’s probably all that’ll get done. – Had a couple of “dream snips” at some point during the night. Only thing I recall is that I had an eye-lash in my eye… “twice”. That was in the dream. Probably in reality too? And something about looking for a typewriter… in a building that resembled the main library on 5th Ave. I never did find it though. – And so… another day commences. BFD! And the stove is still dark. Again… BFD. – 15.20 Got the sage from the garden, potted and brought into the kitchen. Got the fire-wood for the week-end into the kitchen and replenished the stack for the week to come. Got to the store for 2 ice creams, 2 eggnogs, package of bread. Food for the week-end (Jada asked if ice cream is all I eat. I told her “yes”, nosey liitle shit, no doubt the town is aware… in including Ms. Jacquie). Kimmie-shit at the phone company stopped me and asked if 5225 was heated. I told her I don’t know, don’t care and gave her the particulars I do know. These idiots should know enough to leave me the fuck alone. Oh well… I’ll just have to get the “word” going… via Ms. Jacquie, no doubt. Back in the house, the floors are swept and Hoovered, the scrap bucket is empty, my bed-things are in the washer. Tonight… clothes only. I’m down to about 12 smokes until… I wonder. But on the FS there’s about 200$ so maybe I can squeeze a bit of those into the house and cash out of it? I’m not counting on it. (Meanwhile, there’s all sorts of food in the freezers and such, lamb, chops, burger, chicken, &c. that I’m not eating, won’t eat… So it’s not as if there’s no “benefit” to the home-owner having me here… not to mention all the work that gets done round here – fire-wood, yard maintenance, cleaning.) – And on that note, I’m having a tea as the laundry launders. If nothing else, I keep me “occupied” in this shit-hole. – 23.50 Well, I’d told me that I’d watch Hannity, just to see Nigel Farage, and so I did. And I said I’d be in bed by mid-night and here I am. And what have I done with this day? Well… all of what I’ve listed, and got me a “Diaspora” account to get off of the fesses-book. Still can’t get the gmx account though. Even tried via Dick-o Wright log-in. Nope. Oh well. Mayhaps the library? I might try during the day if they’re open. – Other than that? I ate too much for “meal”. Tried getting rid of the left-overs and such. But at least I ate something. And I fucked about on soc.med. so tomorrow I need to get down to business and get the book posted and get on with the other book. No bull-shit tomorrow. – Showered too! YAY. And the clothes are now spinning in the washer. I’ll put them into the dryer and call it a day and forget about it. (I miss Millie Jackson, and the days when mood would allow me to enjoy listening to her.) – Just in from a halfie. 8 smokes remain. The snap is coming to the air already tonight. Cold days ahead. How I wish for death. – Smokes… I should simply ask on Sunday, for money or a pack. Funny me, I’ve no trouble giving to others and never begrudge them asking. But it’s all but impossible for me to ask others. And then, comes the disappointment when they don’t think to give. How utterly stupid of me. Eh? Yes, indeed. – 23.57 Clothes in the dryer, me in the bed, in my “NH Jammies”… oh those days in NH with Silas. How the time has changed… everything. I wonder if he managed to stay in this shit-hole. – Well. Time to wrap-up. A new day is approaching. Fuck me.

Sat.3.Dec: 8.44 I slept through all of this morning’s alarms. Not really looking forward to today… 7 smokes remaining. And woke, this morning to… * * * SNOW * * *, from a dream about driving the Subaru to someplace… on a flat tyre. OK. So is that the way the day is going to go? Rolling along on a flat tyre? I wonder. – I could go right back to sleep… just to get away. – Thought, this morning: the “PTSD” issue. Maybe it IS actually because, in retrospect, indeed, it is an uncontrollable response, the rage. Loud noise in the ear, in the face. Maybe, in fact, it is PTSD. It is, after all, a typical response. John used to set the old man off with his crying. The old mad used to set the house off with his yelling. HE couldn’t handle the loud noise. And I’ve never been able to handle much in the way of loud noise. And for most of my life, noise brought attention, and attention is something I never enjoyed. So? Maybe it is… oh well. At this juncture of my existence, too late to “do” anything about it. I’ll just have to be more aware. I suppose. – Time to get this day rolling. Fuck. – 21.55 In bed, not showered as would be usual on a Saturday. Jacquie came rolling in at about 20.15, chatted a bit. I was in the midst of making new posts on the blog for the book and the “Winter Special” so I’d brought the lap-top into the little room when she drove in and I came into the room to finish up as much as I could when suddenly… the house is dark. Imagine that! I did wander down the hall and saw that her bed-room light is on and I called “Good night!”. “Hallie was already in bed.” said she. Well.. fine. OK with me. I’ve got a lot of posting yet to do. – She bought another box of “Life” cereal today. I aske… told her not to buy food for me anymore because it can be gotten on FS. I don’t know that she appreciates that but as I said “30 years of no tax refunds, it may as well be used for as long as it’s available.” I don’t know whether or not she agreed. I don’t give a shit, really. One thing of note. Said she “I was going to call and ask if there’s anything you need.” When I said “Cigarettes” I believe the reply was “For that you need some money.” OK… if it’s come to that… let’s see how much farther it will go before… I mean… fire-wood’s been hauled and stacked in the garage, to put Hallie into a kennel for the week-end would cost at least 75$, the house is clean and well-maintained, I’ve been here to confide in where that fucking house on the Square Rd. is concerned, and even got involved with the courts. There’s more… and 20$ per week in smokes? Too much? OK! Let’s see then, where it all leads to. I’ve no doubt at all that there’s some kind of animosity here. Well, I’m accustomed to that. Let it ride too. I’ll post my “special” announcement on the social media and if I’m gone before it takes, so be it. Fuck it all… really. These “perfect” people in their “perfect” worlds… how lovely and charming for them all. Fuck off! –

Sun.4.Dec: 2.00 and the book has been posted! I’m going to be so SO sorry in a couple of hours. Oh well. Fuck me! (And one smoke left… REALLY fuck me!) – 7.06 Now THIS is almost incredible… I’ve had 2 trips to the loo, had my coffee, a halfie, the stove is stoked and burning and I’m awake. AWAKE! Never mind “why”… it’s the “HOW”? 6.30? I heard the alarm and wanted SO much to simply go back to sleep… until 16.00 or so, but i didn’t. And so, here I am. As I was puffing on the halfie, Jacquie woke, turned the kitchen light on, and was at the sink, filling the tea kettle for her morning coffee. She didn’t even notice me. Imagine that. Either that, or she ignored me. One or the other. I wonder… Mood? Attitude? As the thought came to me this morning: It’s one thing to be spoke on and another to be talked about. And as Bobo did, I’m sure, certain in fact, that I’ve been talked about. Oh well… these feeble little minds. It’s of no consequence. They’ll talk about others, whether true or not, one way or another. They’ve nothing else in their lives. – Meanwhile… on half of one smoke remains. I’m considering staying in the room as much as possible today. It’ll be difficult enough… no sense making it worse. – Amen. – But before going to sleep this morning, I managed to post the book onto Diaspora, Ello, Gab, Minds and Twitter. Facebook and Tumblr today… Not to mention the 2 new pages on the Author blog: A new “Home” page and the “Preview/Order” page. Well then… time to get rolling, I suppose. – 7.15 Odd, how I try my best to be so quiet, so as not to disturb… the washer is running I say no more. – 7.24 Just a little note here: Washer running, clinking of dishes (emptying the dish-washer, I suppose), and in spite of the fact that the stove is “stuffed” and burning, the banging about that as well. “PTSD”? Me? WHAT-the-fuck-EVER. It’s a matter of “consideration”… something that’s completely absent in this state… it’s like being in one HUGE Homeless shelter: the vast majority are rude and crude. – Oh well… another day. Move along. – 13.21 Good news is: Woodhauler is up to date, the Grounds-Keeper has been re-posted, Book adverts are posted and generally, all that I wanted to get done on-line is done! (Until the next time.) Bad news: No smokes… all done… all gone… no offers. – I’ve been in the room all day, staying away from all else. OK. Screwed. Fine. And now? A bit of a nap. I see there’s been “busy work” done in the kitchen. It’s been quiet all day. Fine. (The shit will come when it’s “dinner” time… and I won’t want to eat… actually, I just saw me in the mirror in the loo… very pale. I’m “OK” but…) OK… time for a “nap”. – 17.58 I did take that nap and should have stayed asleep. But I’ve gotten a lot of “work” done on the “image” files on the computer, including a “charmingly framed Woodhauler” (oval taken from the photo of Lyle and I in Enosburgh). WHAT a fuckin’ red-neck! But.. there we have it. – I found a “Players” earlier and went out, with Ms. Hallie, to have half of it. Jacquie started in “It’s 5:00 o’clock. Come have a beer. I’ve just poured a glass of wine.” “No, thanks.” “Well then, come have something to eat.” “No thanks.” “What’s wrong?” “Let’s just leave it as it is. OK?” “OK.” So I took a few drags of the Players, put the rest in the jar and came in to the room again. Tap-tap-tap. “Are you OK?” “No, not really.” “Can we talk about it?” “There’s really nothing to talk about.” (I was calm, soft-spoken, polite, courteous.) “Do you want to go some-where? Get out of Franklin? Go for a beer? Go out for something to eat? You can’t stay locked in this little room.” And then she saw the photos I was re-naming… the photos from Dorothy. “Who are those people?” “My aunt Sis with some kids I’ve never seen.” “Do they know where you are?” I ignored the question. SAVED! THE PHONE RANG. And so, I returned to my computer. – I’m exhausted right now and just waiting for it to get to as close to 20.00 as possible. Then, hopefully, I’ll go to sleep… through the night. I just want, so much, to escape from all this in sleep. My legs ache, my eyes burn, my ears are hissing, I know what it is and I don’t like it. I keep remembering last night: I was going to ask you if you needed anything… Cigarettes… You’ll need a little money for that. Yep… you’re right… for that and for getting to NY… Well, the Grounds-Keeper has been re-posted (and one reply for a rental). – I’m so tired. – 19.14 Time for jammies on. I give up. Tired as Hell and feeling like shit. – 23.08 Awake again and the last halfie i now gone. And my mood is, well, pretty nasty. A cigarette. Do I ask for a lot in life? I don’t believe so. A pack of smokes ever 3 days. I don’t eat all the food. I don’t drink all the beer. I even provide for my own coffee and creamer. A pack of smoke every 3 days is all. Ah… too much. It’s always been “too much”. I’m impossible. I’m demanding. How awful of me. Eh? Such a drain on society, a house-hold. WELL! Imagine me, then. – So I’m awake again. Let’s hope I can get back to sleep soon… and sleep through the rest of the night. Then again, let’s recall that I was functioning on about 4 hours sleep all day. I suppose that could have had something to do with the fatigue. I don’t know. I don’t much really give a shit either. I’m so impossible. I might like a tea right about now. I don’t dare. So impossible. So demanding. My stomach is empty. I can feel that. But I don’t want to eat either… a smoke after. Oh well. How terribly demanding, nasty and miserable I am. – You know what? Fuck these people, these shit-bags. Just all too simply, fuck them… fuck the world. Thanks.

Mon.5.Dec: 6.01 And we begin the next “waking shift”. 4 hours after the first shift which was 4 hours after the first sleep. 19-23 and 2-6.00. Mrs. is at the kitchen table, fire roaring with lighter fluid in the stove. Twats-above are pounding the steps up and down to their porch. Yes, indeed, the day has begun. And me? Me? I more miss the reason to step out into the air this morning than the pains of withdrawal. I’m more pissed at the response I got on Saturday night and the general avoidance of it all that I’m getting. THAT’S pissing me off. But, no matter. I got up, got my hot tap water for my coffee… chatted about how I’d slept last night… took my coffee back to the room. Had a pee and here I am, back on the bed to browse my soc.med. or what-ever during the day. Perhaps I’ll try to get some writing done. THAT would be lovely. In any event? I’ve no reason to go out-doors and I shan’t today again. Mrs. mentioned something about Ms. Hallie going out this morning. I let the comment ride along the wind. Fuck you. Now YOU can attend to YOUR pet. I’ll not be doing it for you… having no reason to step out into the day. Good luck to you, madame. – Onward with MY day, as it were. – 7.27 AGAIN! THIS MORNING! I DON’T KNOW HOW OLD THE FUCKING BACON IS BUT FUCK ME SHIT! IT STINKS!!! FUCKING HEAVY STENCH FILLS THE ROOM TO THE POINT WHERE YOU JUST CAN’T BREATHE! FUCKING NASTY! AND IT’S SNOWING OUT NOW, I MEAN… SNOWING… AND COLD, SO OPENING THE DOOR IS OUT OF THE QUESTION. NOT TO MENTIONTHE STENCH COMES IN FROM THE PORCH AS WELL! FUCKING SICK SHIT! – 9.07 and up from another nap for an hour. Snow’s still falling. I wonder who’s expected to shovel. Hmmm… – 11.56 Got some more images sorted out. Just came back from the library where I tried that gmx mail again? Nope. Not for me BUT they now have a “MaryMarquart” on their server. Fukkem, to be quite honest. – Feeling rather quite “removed” now. Tired. Probably the combination of 2 coffees, no food and broken sleep? What-ever. At least I’m not being “bothered” with all sorts of bull-shit. – Oh gee… the 5th already. I wonder where her rent money is. Since she’s giving the other ones 2,5 months free and 10$ is too much for me. (I’m not feeling well at all. I think it’s time for another nap.) – Ad the snow continues to fall… – Noon! Nap time! – 14.02 Just up from another 2-hour nap. JUST as I’d laid down at noon, she comes to the door. Taptaptap Hello Is anybody home there? “I’m just laying down.” I replied, nicely. Food! No. Sandwich? NO! You CAN’T speak kindly to it! It just doesn’t listen and it just doesn’t learn. NO! PLEASE! *I was going to send you a message to see if you needed anything. – Cigarettes. – Oh, you need money for that.* WTF? The longer I ponder it, the worse it becomes. – Well, it’s now in the kitchen, chatting in one of those “I don’t understand” tones of voice. I can’t hear the words but I’ll bet I can guess what they are: He’s mad. He’s not eating. He’s rude. He’s… fuck off. He’s minding his own business… how about YOU try doing a little minding of YOUR own business, since you’ve already made YOUR position quite clear? – Just laying here typing this is making me tired again. Thinking about this shit makes me tired. Maybe I’ll just crawl into the trunk of the Subaru? A thought. (Now I wonder, after the “PTSD” chat from Dave… who’s going to show up next? – 18.30 At about 17.15 I decided to check, on-line, to see if any cash had been posted to my FS card. WELL! NOT the 50 that I used to get but 21$! TWO packs of SMOKES! I bolted, put my boots on and toddled in the snow to the store. TWO PACKS OF SMOKES! (There’s a “notation” about this shit though… Apparently, the up-stairs res got paid today. Pam came by… I’ll presume it was one of Madame’s telephone calls whining about my particular mood of late, I was hauling wood… HAULING FUCKING WOOD, from the garage when Ms. Pam came. HAH! BUT now there was talk about Dave taking photos of the red house… and Madame PAYING him to do so. Oh? “It’s no like I can’t pay somebody to do that.” Right. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YEEEEEOOOO! Oh well… Fucking hypocrite. The fucking lot of these in-breeds. “I’m SO LOVELY!” Yeah, right, shit-bags.) Moving along, I got another post through all of the soc.med. for the book. Several more images to post with. I can run through more for the next couple of days… and then run them again. But bottom line: for now… my HELL is gone! I lit a smoke coming back from the store, and when I got to the fucking house here, I shovelled the back walk. Ah… it was cleared when Ms. Pam came… clear walk, hauling wood… FUCKED THAT DRAMATIC SAGA right up somebody’s shit-chute! (Honestly… I often wonder: the world and timing… My existence is total Hellish shit… but something, somebody, somehow… more often than not… “timing” and the revelations. It is to wonder.) – 20.39 Back in bed. Madame is snoozing on the recliner. She’s got a cold. – I had a fork-full of rice and one of peas and 3 slivers (true… slivers) of lamb from the shank that was gotten at Costco on FS a while back and which laid in the fridge for about 2 weeks because I didn’t eat it. There was “sugar pie” for dessert… I declined. It’s not that I’m not hungry… It’s more that I won’t eat the food here. Sound familiar? – SO! It seems the twats up-stairs are thinking of buying the red house! How charming. Maybe next month. How lovely. My thought is: If Madame is going to rent the up-stairs again, she’s going to march right back into the same shit… people who pound on her ceiling, people who won’t pitch in round the property, and, no doubt, folks like the Stanshits. Alas. None of my business. I just want out and away from here… PRONTO! – Meanwhile, I’m “pulling” for the second time here. Teeth, lower right, are bothering me. Last night I dug out what appeared to be a pop-corn shell! Haven’t have pop-corn in WEEKS! Gee! And tonight it’s not “tooth-ache” so much as it is the inability to bite down again. Oh well… we’ll see how it is in the morning. (I’ll be swallowing this run of coconut oil though… calories and such… and it’s the second pull so there isn’t all that crap in this one… I hope. We’ll see how THIS settles…. in the morning.) – And now, I feel better having posted the book again through all the soc.med. I can browse a bit and lights out. I’ve had more than enough of this day of bull-shit. I’ve spent my time in this room, away from all the rest and yet, I KNOW… KNOW that Ms. Pam came by expecting all sorts of drama and bull-shit. Sadly, all she saw was me hauling fire-wood from the garage to the stove and that I’d already cleared the back steps. Oh well… as I typed here earlier: FUCK YEEEEEEEEOOOOO! (I wonder though: how is it that shit flows “right” sometimes? Interesting.) – How nice though, I must say, to know that, should I wake in the middle of the night… “I can haz a ‘moke!” (Fucktards here.)

Tue.6.Dec: 6.46 Another day commences… I woke before the 545. alarm and dozed until… BANG! BANGE BANG BANG! CRUNCH! WOOOOSH! At about 6.00. SCRAPE! I don’t know that it’s done intentionally. I don’t know that it isn’t. But the starting of the stove is a matter that must be made known to the world. Scooping the embers. Banging the stove door. Clanging the shovel. Then shoving the wood into the stove. And the “woosh? Half a bottle of charcoal fluid. It’s actually audible, through the brick and wall. Heavy steps on hardwood floors. Thumpthumpthumpthump. “I’m awake, the world must wake too.” It can’t be a “country” thing because I don’t recall the old man’s side of the family being so. It’s a “Here” thing. The common inconsideration of all. “I am the only one.” and “The morning has begun, I’m awake and you will be too.” – I’m just in from a smoke. Made my coffee in the loo. Then out the “back” door of the “little room”. Madame’s at the sink, probably making her “meat pies”. Good for her. As I stood out back, having my smoke, my stomach in knots, I thought of the “Thanksgiving” dinner: “PTSD”. I thought of last night, Pam, coming in under the guise of returning a “Tupperware” container. There’s “talk”, behind my back… I thought of the turmoil in the red house. “Just desserts”? I mind my business. I’m quiet. I stay out of the way. I do a LOT of manual work. I keep the house, the dog, the property together. The house is a fucking mess. Dirt on the floors, the stench of “dog”. Leaves on the lawn. The grass needing mowing. Snow piles up. I don’t say much of anything about it, I just “do” the work. I don’t eat the food, for the most part. I don’t burn the lights from end to end. No loud music (lately, no music at all). I’m not under foot or in the way. BUT… there’s SO much to be said about me… when I’m not in ear-shot. And it’s seldom positive. Ah… but then: “I KNOW! Jacquie told me about how you…” Yes? And what ELSE has Jacquie told you about? I’ve no doubts… none. Paranoid? Not even hardly in the least. With-out knowing… I “know”. People… especially here. There can be NO moment in time with-out conflict. (They like to call it “drama”… I call it what it is: “conflict”.) And the greater the crowd sucked into it, the happier they all are. – Michael paid the rent yesterday. Not even an offer of a pack of smokes. – Today, Madame wants to go get a “Christmas” tree. We (I) know how that’s expected to be gotten. “Want to go for a ride?” (Yeah… like my sister “just wanted to go for breakfast”.) NO, I DON’T want to go for a ride. How about you try “I need some help with the tree.” Too direct. Too forward. Too honest. – I’m dressed. Have been since jumping out of bed. The snow is on the ground and on the trees. It’s pretty out there. It’s ugly… in this world. Lovely, waking in the morning, greeted by the thought: Why didn’t I just “go” in my sleep last night? – There MUST be a way out of here. If only I could think of it Me, under a tree, in the dark, freezing? It might not be such a bad idea. The pain will last only as long as… Maybe it’s not such a bad idea. I’ll have to give it some though. – Posting more on the book today… and working on the new book… today. – 16.13 I’m just finishing posting a bit to the JAKWP since The Coalition posted a video on their fesses-book page that I found I can “embed”. The house was empty, Madame had gone to get her “tree” and as I typed, a knock at the door and “Hellohello”. Jes. Oh… all the trials and tribulations of these shit-heads. And apparently he’d come to offer assistance bringing the tree in. Ah… and so I eluded to my assumed uselessness… which he stammered over and about, confirming, to me, that indeed, I’m being “spoke ABOUT” and not in the best of manners. Fuck these shit-bags here. It’s been the same since my arrival… particularly in this shit-hole state. But I must keep my wits… THIS MORNING I RECEIVED A MESSAGE FROM VINCENT WHO WILL BE UP ON THE WEEK-END! “I have an apartment for you if you’re still interested.” I NEED TO FIGURE HOW TO MEET WITH HIM THIS WEEK-END! I WISHED ON THAT STAR… BEFORE CHRISTMAS! I’ve invited him here… Hopefully Madame will be GONE!!! AND he’ll come by… to see where and how I “exist”. But if this all goes along… BEFORE CHRISTMAS IT IS! I WILL HOLD FAST TO THE HOPE IN MY MARROW AND THE CORE OF MY SOUL! – Meanwhile… fuck these shit-bags… – 24.05 Ate a rather hefty dinner this evening. Beef Stroganoff… Jacquie served the portions. I guess she’s trying to make sure that I eat. Meanwhile, I’m making sure I eat better because I might have quite the adventure coming on the week-end if I have to go to NY to meet Vincent (and at the rate she’s crapped the kitchen, if he comes here, I’ve got to haul arse to clean the place… she went through xmas decorations and there’s paper shit all over the place!). BUT… my teeth ache now! The right side, top and bottom! From chewing! The one I puled the popcorn shell from and the upper ones too! Shit! WTF? Oh well… But other-wise, the day went fairly well… I managed another 1800 words on the book! YAY me? AND… there’s cash on the table for me. Imagine if I’d waited… until today… thankfully for that 21$ on the FS card anyway. (And I might need gas in the car this week-end?) – Well… just off fesses-book where I ripped into the arses there, AGAIN, about the difference between “like” and “share”. Jason’s trying to sell his stuff and made mention of how difficult it is on fesses-book… and let it rip. Oh well… looking at another “ban” no doubt. Fukkem. – TIme for another shot of Orajel and try for some sleep. I want to be up early enough to re-stoke the stove so I don’t have to hear the BANG! again… SHIT! in only 5 hours! It’s going to be another tough day… I can see it coming.

Wed.7.Dec: Pearl Harbour – 8.48 It was 7.06 when… BANG BANG BANG! Reminding me that I’d over-slept and hadn’t gotten to the stove on time. Fuck. So I got up, got dressed, went to the loo and then to the kitchen for coffee where, indeed… the papers, cards and bags were all but gone. Paper fire this morning. Right. I said nothing. “Well, a lot of the paper is gone already. I got rid of that big cardboard box.” Right. I had my coffee, had my smoke, swept away the snow that had fallen over-night and came back in to sit and chat… about the Shelter (because, for some reason, the word “BRRRREAD FOX” came to mind this morning). Discussed the history of Bellevue, and of course, it means nothing to these shit-bags. Homelessness means nothing to them. Did a comparison between NYC and VT and, having the opportunity to do so, trashed VT. Yay me. Then into the field of Psychology and the likes. It’s delightful… talking to one’s self here. But… saved by the bell… the phone rang just a moment ago. I went for 2nd smoke, sweep a bit more off the walk and chop the ice, Hallie out again and I’m stowed away in the room where, it’s chilly. No fire in the stove… because any fire in there today is paper. Right. – And so, another day commences. – “How about a little breakfast?” “No. I’ve had.” “How about an egg?” (She’s another Ida Guadagno! Doo-wacky-lolly-doo-wacky.) Thankfully, for both of us, the phone saved. – Another day. SHOOT ME NOW! – I’m going to check on word from Vincent. (Maybe that wish on the shooting star was heard? I can only hope.) – 11.14 Tod-bit: Just in from emptying the ash buckets which happened after sweeping the shit and peanuts up off the kitchen floor, which happened after taking the garbage out and as I swept I noticed: The cash on the table? Mysteriously dropped from about 80 to 40 (I believe). Oh… and the “note”: Thank you for all the work you do. Or something like that. Begrudgingly? – There’s going to be a LOT of work to getting this hole together. I hope Vincent does come on the week-end. I should take “before and after” photos… and post to Woodhauler. Speaking of which: after a morning of paper-burning, the wood stack in the kitchen is down and the stove is stuffed. It’s nice to have a little nigger round the house. Eh? The wood magically appears, all neatly stacked. Fucktards. – (10.40 on Thursday) I wasted a lot of time last night, on the soc.med., looking into ways of getting more “followers” on the soc.med. to spread the adverts for “Journal Days” farther and wider. So now, to add a few lines about the day: Well, to begin, the morning rolled along in the dullness that is this place. At one point, Jacquie and I had lunch. She’d made egg salad and put mine on the last, “stale” grinder roll, and hers on one of the fresher rolls that I’d gotten on the week-end. Oh well. I have to eat so as to appear healthy, should I meet with Vincent this week-end. I forced it down. – After, Jacquie and I brought “the tree” into the living-room and set it up in the stand. She tried to get me involved with putting the lights on but I dodged as best I could. I want NOTHING to do with all that “holiday” shit! – In between, I managed to get a bit more written on the book… another 5-600 words. Not too bad. – We had dinner round about 18.00 this evening. I managed to force down a bit more than usual. As I say: I have to “appear” healthy on the week-end. – Jes rang at about 19.00 or so and Jacquie invited him to the house. He showed shortly after we’d done eating, sat and began to chat about “beers of the past”. It was fun until the issue of Kerry arose. I’m convinced that the little retard did or said something to strike suspicion of Border Patrol. TO be finger-printed and such? Maybe it was her bouncing from crossing-point to crossing-point. Maybe it was some sort of stupid statement she’d made to one person at one point that set the “flag”. At any rate, I’m convinced she’s at full fault here. But Jacquie and Jes are determined to write Bernie Sanders to “demand” that something be done to stop the “harassment”. Right. Kerry’s not American, this government owes her nothing. Not to mention, Sanders did shit-fuckkall for me when I asked to have Diane Owen’s bull-shit expunged from my records. If he does anything for Kerry, I’ll blow a gasket. – Well… chatting went along and as is for the “usual”, as Jes and I were speaking, Jacquie (a couple of glasses of wine into the evening) interrupted twice! On the second interruption, I got up and left… feigning having to take an empty to the porch. But 19.45 I was in the room, on the bed, making busy. – This evening, for the first time in age, I got onto the e-mail account for gaston67. There were a few “messages” left on the ‘646” phone number, about “meeting” me some-where and “are you from New York?”. I’ve no idea what that’s all about. But I meandered about my accounts. I even called from the 646 to the 718 to keep them “alive”. I’m still “attached” to “The City” through those phone numbers. – Next was to “tweet” and post a little more about the book on those soc.med. accounts and on Twtr, finding more info on more “followers”. I looked up how to do that, copied a lit of Forbes 50 ways an utilised them… – The “bull-shit” took me through the night. – All through, I’m nervous and anxious about the week-end. I hope Vincent decided to come to the house… even though it’s going to be WORK to get it “presentable” this time round. Scrap paper, boxes and general shit strewn about…

Thu.8.Dec: 1.17 Chilly. Stove not stoked well. Very busy with the soc.med. – Message to AnnMarie on JTwtr MESSAGE FROM NSIGNIA ON 8539266! – 8.35 Just in from smoke. Jacquie on the road to Enosburgh to visit with Lucile Lothian in “re-hab” or something. I woke to the 7.00 alarm and went back to sleep… and a
DREAM: EVICTION!
There was something that led into it but I can’t recall the details. The “characters” in the dream were Burt M., H. Gates and a “Jacquie” person, and some woman named “Jeannemarce”. I was residing in a small flat in a building that resembled the “Sweet Shop” here. For some reason, other than non-payment of rent, I was to be evicted. Although there was no specific “cause” for the eviction, I was prepared to leave anyway, although I’d not packed or made any moves toward preparing to leave. I’d come in from some errand, it was day-light, the flat was in order, neat and tidy. As I entered, I noticed a “cherry picker” bucket approaching the front window. There was a “camera” mounted on the bucket, Burt was in the bucket as it rose to the window, camera poised for surveillance of the flat. I went over to the window and ducked to the floor so as not to be seen. The door to the flat opened. Gates and Burt walked in, Gates had the court papers in hand and Burt went to the wall where, in the outlet, I had some electronics on chargers. Gates was rude, Burt was rude. Gates tried to hand me the court papers, demanding that I “get out” immediately. As he did so, Burt proceeded to un-plug my electronics. “This isn’t yours.” he snapped, as he pulled an extension cord from the wall. “Well, actually, that IS mine. I bought it, paid, and it’s mine, not yours.” “Never mind that. It’s not yours now.” he said, as he rolled it up. “Well then, fine, if taking it makes you feel better, more the man, then take it.” I said, not resisting. I took the “papers” from Gates and walked out of the flat, out of the building, into the streets. The area resembled Jamaica, Queens, over by the hospital. I had to walk along through a small “shopping area” where the street was paved with brick (“Nassau Street” in the NYC Financial District). It was clean and tidy, “touristy”. I was heading for the court house. I passed a little store-front, ice cream parlour in front, but a sign hanging in the front read “Jeannemarce”… she was some kind of realtor/lawyer/counsellor. A blonde woman of about 40 years of age, elegant, pompous. She was leaving her “office” as I passed and she passed me with a look and air of disdain. I’d never met her, never spoken with her, and wondered if she wasn’t aligned with Burt and Gates. As I continued walking, I was joined by about 5-7 other people who were coming with me to the court house. I was familiar with them but didn’t know any of them by name. (It was similar to the meeting George and I had with that young woman, Liz, back at the Shelter). They were carrying folders of some kind and each one also carried a 3x5in. bit of dark brown felt, on which was something printed in metallic silver. It was a “business card” of some sort, but we agreed that it was good to use as “ID”, letting each-other know that we were part of the group who would be fighting against Burt and Gates. A woman, the “Jacquie”, approached us and began demanding, in a soft tone of voice, that I had no choice but to leave the flat, and that the rest of the group wouldn’t be allowed into the court house. We all told her to mind her own business and to leave us all alone. Tensions rose as we walked along and before we’d made it to the street where we had to cross to get to the court house, I woke.
WELL! I wonder what brought THAT dream on! Part of the reason I woke is because Jacquie had passed the door to the room and tapped, as she does. The door was shut, but she tapped anyway, didn’t say anything and went on about her business of the morning. I got up, got dressed immediately and went to the loo and then to the kitchen where Jacquie was already “in action” and dressed. I had my coffee. We chatted a bit. She asked if I needed anything in Enosburgh and a few moments later, she left on her errand. – 10.37 Getting a late “start” to this day! It’s flurried twice already but no accumulations. The house is still quiet. I’m over-anxious, waiting for word from Vincent about the week-end (tomorrow and Saturday, to be exact.) Where that matter is concerned, I’ve resolved: if it’s even “well enough”, as soon as he says “Move”, I will… Hopefully the Subaru will, at the very least, get me “there”. No more “hesitating”. If it means getting out of Vermont… I’m gone. But the general anxiety is heavy again this morning… sickeningly so. – 23.38 Still no word from VdP. But the kitchen is neat, tidy. The floors are Hoovered. Fire-wood is stacked. Jacquie left at about 14.00 and by 16.45 I’d even re-started the wood-stove AFTER cleaning it out AND washing the window on it! And I did so by puling a glowing bit of wood from the stove, putting it into a bucket and then putting it back into the stove with kindling. NOW… I HOPE Vincent will come by. – I wanted to be in bed, asleep by now but got my soc.med. in. I might shower tonight. I don’t know. If not tonight… tomorrow morning… and then before bed tomorrow night.

Fri.9.Dec: 0.51 Just got the confirmation: Dixie’s in PA with the 2 shits. Grabbed a screen-shot of Gordo’s post and sent a copy to Jacquie (I wonder if her phone will wake her… teehee… pay-back for the mornings at the wood-stove). – No word from Vincent even yet. – A little, very light snow fell earlier. – Bottom right, crowned tooth bothering me a bit. – The wood in the stove is snapping. – I need a nap. – 8.17 “Nap” my arse. Woke at almost 8.00! But, no prob. No word from Vincent yet, this morning. The stove’s re-started. Hallie’s had breakfast. I’ve had coffee and smoke. Need a trip to the loo. It’s bitter cold out-side. Flocons. Delightful. Andhow this day will roll along is the mystery. (And Hallie is barking at something or somebody… at this hour of the morning.) – 8.31 Clothes are in to wash. Fire’s going nicely and the sun is trying to shine through the clouds. No sense worrying about how the day’s going to roll. We’ll know how when it’s done. Quite frankly, unless he came up last night (and he did say we’d meet for “lunch”), there’s no way VdP would be here at this hour. So? We shall see. – 11.37 I can’t believe this: Almost noon already! Fuck! The day is just about done already! But I DID get my clothes cleaned and dried I DID get all of Madame’s laundry folded and put up. I DID get “curtains” on that Southern window so i can open and close them now. What a fucking pain in the arse that was. Static all over this damned place, not to mention fucking dog hair on everything and dust. But I will NOT “clean” properly. Not my shit-hole, not my problem. – Still no word from VdP. Oh well then. We shall see. – Meanwhile, the twats up-stairs are in full-run. Their dog is running and barking. That shit should be out in the yard but… trash is trash. I dread January when there’s another little Millennial spore up there. – Oh well then. – Second coffee and to the book! There are more paragraphs to be added. This one’s going slowly. But then… – And I must remember: it’s Friday… not Saturday. What that has to do with anything is anybody’s guess. – OH YES! Last night… the old wooden crates that “hold” the fire-wood stacked in the kitchen… one slat on the front crate went. The wood “settled” but it didn’t collapse. But now I can’t stack as much wood there… so it won’t be for a full week… or, as Madame uses it, 2 days. Life goes on and I have to file my nails today too. – And Hallie’s in the yard, barking. – Let’s add, whilst I’m at it: The messages on Gordo’s page included the fact that Bobo’s bike is here. I’m presuming that the house is still furnished with all their shit. No doubt, Bobo’s planning on “inheriting” the house down there as well. Makes me ill. It’s “ruthlessness”, truly. I need to aspire toward that… quickly. Maybe I am already because if VdP were to say “Move now.” I’d be off and gone to the best of my ability. Fuck the “good bye”… just GO! I suppose that’s ruthlessness. At least Dixie’s still with people she knows (Bobo anyway) and she’s got “friends”… same-species anyway. Little sweet-heart. – 21.39 And having a rye’n’tonic. It’s -6 out there with a chill of -12 and snappy. Hallie and I are just in from a ‘moke, and she’s having ‘nax. It’s been a quiet day. And now, the thermo on the wood-stove is almost up to the black! But it’s chilled in the house. A “Winter” night in “The North Country”, indeed. – Horrible news on Twtr today: The Bel-Aire is now GONE! UVM Med.Ctr. has it! They’re converting it to “Homeless” Housing! OK. I’m glad it’s going to the Homeless. 12 people will be housed. But NOT the Bel-Aire! So now, Richford is gone. Mayhew’s is gone. The Bel-Aire is gone. I just hope the Labelles got a REALLY GREAT price for the place. But my “connections” to this shit-hole state are gone. My “good” connections are GONE! Time for me to leave too. But no word at all from VdP today. I’ll hope for tomorrow. – Looking to get to sleep soon. Hopefully the drink will be beneficial toward that. (There’s quite a quantity of V.O. in the pantry. Goodness me! No wonder Ms. Jacquie’s been offering it.) “Tomorrow”… If I have a wish: Bring Vincent over!

Sat.10.Dec: 10.28 Double-digit date. The month is passing. The year is passing. Time is passing. I wish I’d passed. – Woke at about 7.30 this morning, tired, as usual. Late, as usual. Checked. No word from VdP again today. A year is passing. This is annoying me now. And depressing me too. So I went to the under-used soc.med. accounts. Last night I went to “Jude” on the Twtr and loaded it up with “follows”. Why? I don’t really know. But the responses were amazing. I grabbed Woodhauler’s accounts and they all seem to have responded. Impressive? Perhaps. Shallow. Indeed. So this morning there was MUCH to read. And that’s what I’ve been doing. – I got the stove re-started. There was a heavy bed of embers this morning. I let them burn down to ash. Yes, I’ve caught onto the better use of the stove. Imagine? “Common sense”. Something sorely missing about my existence of late. So it’s burning nicely as of now. No paper. No matches. No stuffing. And no banging. But… that’s the way the world runs. – Now? To sit and try for another few paragraphs on the book. It’s still day-light. Cloudy. But day-light. Let’s not regret this day too. Shall we at least TRY? Let’s. – 23.49
In bed and SHOWERED AND SHAVED. The clothes are in the dryer…. again. Thoughts:
• Hauling wood to make sure that there’s enough for the week-end and the week.
• Using minimal wood over the week-end.
• Adjusting the flue so the heat comes into the room (unlike during the week when it doesn’t)
• Using minimal paper in the stove so as not to create build-up on the “combuster”.
• Cleaning the stove on the week-end.
• Checking the chimney to make sure there’s minimal smoke coming up so as not to build up in there.
• Cramming my body and house cleaning into the week-end.
• Caring for Ms. Hallie.
• The house is clean when Madame returns.
(so that she can filthy and disorganise during the week)
• Making sure that there’s no dirty dishes left on Sunday.
• Replacing most of the food I’ve consumed over the week-end.
And there’s probably more but I’ve had 2 drink tonight and I’ve no patience.
VdP didn’t show, didn’t call, didn’t send word, just didn’t bother. OK then. Another one who doesn’t feel any sense of responsibility to communicate. Madame doesn’t really reply to my “reports”. But the house is attended. No personal responsibility. But I bust my arse to make sure that things are in order. Even making sure that the little solar lights get fully charged over the week-end, under the light in the white room (which I cleaned and it’s a dumping place again) all week-end to fully charge the batteries. I put the lights along the walk so that there’s light if Madame goes out and doesn’t turn the walk light on. Me? Stupid. Making sure that other peoples’ lives are comfortable. And in the shower I thought of the e-mail sent by VdP about “the greengbergs” who don’t return his calls. Ah… so it’s not important for Ev to return a call. “Keep in touch” says she. For what purpose? Really? (As Silas, the one who took the “Restraining Order” out on me, used to say.) Really, indeed. – Yes, I’m feeling “Hell-fire” tonight. I’m pissed. I wished that I could get back to NY before Christmas. What? Is is going to be an over-night “visit”? Go to see, perhaps, VdP one day and return to this shit-hole the next? Right then. Abandoned yet again. Ah… and then there’s the folks who’ll jump to “Crowd-fund” some jackass who walked for a couple of weeks to get to a fucking job in a city. Never mind the year I went into the Shelter to find a job and then made sure never to take time off, the mornings of running in a panic to a shitter because my bowels were bursting. Never mind the efforts I’ve made to making MY life more useful AND taking care of OTHERS who didn’t even bother to know the Hell I was living in. I need a car. I need and exit. I need to get the fuck out of here. I need “help”. And again, there’s none. Silas said that I believe that I’m “entitled”. Entitled? Oh yeah. Entitled to sit on my fat arse and expect others to simply pour aid? I fucking bust everything I’ve got, including my own abilities and physical being and for what? A “Restraining Order”? For shits like Bobo to talk about me to people who’ve never met me, as if I’m a total “dick”, as he put it? For shits like Madame to tell the likes of Pam, Dave, Jes, Kerry what-ever it was that she said to make Dave bring up “PTSD” at a “holiday” dinner and Pam feign needing to come to the house to return a plastic container? WHAT the actual FUCK? Right. And if I stop being so “cutesy”, nicey-nicey, *I’M* the shit. Yep. Fukkem. And fukkemall. Seriously. And what do I ask for? Approximately 3,33$ each day. a pack of cigarettes every 3 days or so. WOW! Am I ever fucking greedy. Yeah, tonight I’m dumping. I’m angry, bitter, fucking fucked. Alone to figure all of this out for myself. Oh… the 21st. Winter. First day. Winter. MY season. All I need… NEED to figure out now is how to get to where I need and want to be on the 21st. Cold? I do NOT deserve to be uncomfortable. I do NOT deserve to “suffer” in any way or manner. I just need to figure how to get “there” and be comfortable and how to get the fuck out of this shit. It’s time. Over. Done. They all believe, in their hearts, that I’m a shit. Well? The fact is that I know that their lives have been better with all the toils I’ve done. I’ve ruined my back, legs and feet… and said nothing. I’ve ruined my own productivity, and said nothing. Biking in rain and heat. Walking in sub-freezing temperatures. And I’ve said nothing. FUCK YOU! Fuck you ALL. I’m tired and fed the fuck up. –
Got another thousand words on the book today though. It’s going along slowly. I should take the part of coming here to heart, as a lesson: I blindly came here… I can blindly leave. I don’t “want” to but I can. And so I must. Packing. It will be easy. Just hoping the Subaru will get me to where I need to be. I need too, to change the inspection sticker. I have the yellow backing now. But changing it in the cold will be difficult. Let’s just hope I can. – Tomorrow… clean the floors and the stove and that’s that. An hour or so. I was hoping to be asleep by now (24.14) but… Fucked again. OK. Fine. I can get along on almost no sleep. I’ve done it before… I can do it again. And of late, I’ve even gotten to the point where I can simply come into the room and “nap”. So I shall, if need be, tomorrow, again. Fuck this shit! –

Sun.11.Dec: 7.57 The fire is re-started. (I took the embers from the top, into one bucket, then put the ask in another. Put the embers back, a piece of wood on them, covered it with the remaining and poof! Fire!) Coffee. Loo. Smoke, Done. – Heard the alarms. Forced myself, quite begrudgingly, awake at about 7.30. And this brisk morning commences. Time to get dressed, tidy the place a touch. I don’t much feel like getting all into cleaning but… And a quick trip to the store. After that… we get back to wanting to sleep and not being able to. Sundays drain me… here. It’s tough, being awake in a place one doesn’t want to be in anyway. – 10.03 The little room is Hoovered. The kitchen floor is mopped. The fire is going. And I’m exhausted. A trip to the store and all is done this morning… until the moment of “make nicey-nicey”. I’m tired. – 20.42 In bed.. because, well… Ms. Jacquie decided it’s time. But I’m not complaining. I’ve been tired all day. Hopefully, I’ll get to sleep in short order (but I doubt it). – Turned into an INTERESTING sort of day… VdP WAS UP FOR THE WEEK-END!!! He sent an e-mil today to say so.
12.38
Hi Jude — so this is really embarrassing, but something happened to my email and i didn’t get any messages for a few days. And now i see you had responded! I did go up there, but only briefly (and yes, it sure was cold). i will be back up there soon and will let you know in advance.. and i’ll figure out what’s going on with my email.

thanks again. will be in touch soon. vd
I no sooner received the e-mail when Jacquie returned (about 12.45). No groceries and such today. How nice. Needless to say, I’m glad to have received word, but am between disappointed and pissed about the fucking wasted week-end. But there’s nothing I can do about it now. (Move along with hopes of better weather and figuring how to get to the mountain on my own… More on that…) – Well then, it seems Madame’s Maryrose put her in touch with some fellow from St-Albans/Swanton area who’s interested in getting involved with the gardening for Summer 2017. He stopped by round about 14.00 and the chatted. She’s pushing the “need help” issue… like “weeding” in particular. As if I don’t do anything about that and haven’t. Honestly? Never mind mentioning it or discussing it. But then, I suppose she’s making certain that there’s somebody here to get the work done. Good luck with that. (I NEED to be GONE… SOON!) – After, we sat, she had a wine, and got me a beer. Crackers and cheese. “I’m not really hungry because I had that big lunch when I came in.” (left-over turkey soup and squash… and yes, it was a “big” lunch indeed). So I’ve had A dish of yoghurt (with a bit of sugar) all day and a little cheese with some crackers. Great diet again Back to the “hunger”. But it’s my choice, and oddly enough, the thought of eating makes me ill anyway. And oh, I didn’t bother to go to the store to replace the ice cream or the half’n’half from the week-en… I just didn’t bother to go. No regrets about that either anyway. – And so, after the cheese and crackers, we sat to watch a bit of TV… CBS, not Fox. A nice change. After, the old “Dick vanDyke show” was on so we watched half of that and now… up to date. – I can tell that she’s back though. This room is actually WARM! Earlier she asked if the house had been warm enough over the week-end. I let the question die in the air. You know, the floor got mopped, the place was in perfect order when she got back.. Warm enough? Really? You give a shit? Why bother to ask? But she comes in, turns the thermostat up, stuffs her “chosen” wood into the stove and the world is fine. Fuck me. Fuck it. – There was also talk about that trip to CT that we took over the Summer. According to her, the reason we HAD to return when we did, me not getting to see Ev and us not going to Wappingers was because she was on “over-draft” because of the 300$ shortage on the rent collected from Standshit. Right. Fine. WHAT-evuh. And she STILL wants to go to Wappingers AND on a day trip to NY (supposedly I can stop by to meet “NYFarmer” from Twtr). Folks who believe me to be such a damne fool idiot. – Well and oh well… Word is that she’s going to be going to Winooski/BTV on Tuesday, Staff Meeting on Wednesday and then back to the regular work on the week-end this week. She’ll be here only tomorrow. I can’t say that I mind but I can wonder: if I wasn’t here, what would happen to Hallie and the house? I DO NEED to get the actual fuck out of here… VERY SOON! – 21.04 and I can hear the pounding up-stairs. What a shame (I’m being sarcastic now) that it’s over her head. But she’ll make excuses. And it’s not directly over my head and not so awfully bad. – PS: I’d kept the solar lights in the house over the week-end, under the light in the white room, hoping to fully charge them… they’re not lit again tonight. I don’t understand it. Good batteries. A 2-day charge. They worked better at 5225. Omen? I wonder.

Mon.12.Dec:
***** PASSPORT CARD ARRIVED TODAY *****
TOMORROW WOULD HAVE BEEN EXACTLY 2 WEEKS FROM APPLICATION
***** OF COURSE WE *HAD* TO GO TO QUÉBEC – KAISER, KERRY, METRO *****
545 *** SNOW *** I woke with the 5.30 alarm, rested. The new band n the bottom teeth had snapped last night and my bottom, right, crowned tooth aches. I must be clenching again. But I got up, pee’d, re-started the stove with the embers and the bellows, have had my coffee and smoke. Indeed, the world is covered again with snow. And all is, for the moment, quiet. How strange it is, that I can get things done in the morning with-out waking the entire globe, and yet, others simply cannot. No banging, no thumping on the floor. Just moving along, quietly. – It’s really quite warm in the room this morning, un-like on the week-ends, when there’s quite the chill in the room. “Were you warm enough on the week-end?” Never mind. – Too bad that there’s really nothing that needs to be done this morning and nothing that I could do anyway, let I wake the world. – I have to think: over the years, as people “retired”, the joke has always been that, people retire and then die. So, it’s been almost 2 or 3 years since I’ve “retired”… why am I still breathing? I don’t want to die or die-off or die-away here. But in the long run, it makes no difference. I suppose. – Oh well… another day has begun. WTF? Eh? – “12.12.16” December is rolling right along here… and too, another year.. another year… another year. – 5.52 I no sooner finished typing that and I hear the fucking about on the stove in the kitchen. The fire has been re-started. WHAT the actual FUCK? Seriously! Now somebody come and convince me that the noise-making isn’t intentional. Fucking wacko nut-shits, these idiots. Oh yeah… and another day careens into play. – 8.58 At 7.30 I set the alarm for a 30-minute nap. I hit the re-set to get an hour and woke from
DREAM: Playing with Dixie in the back yard of 5225. We were laying on the grass. It was one of those “REAL” dreams.
And to think, last evening, Jacquie saw the photo of her on the lap-top and said “If you could get in touch with them, maybe you could take her.” WHAT could/can I do for her? Seriously. People (here) are fucked in the head. – Well.. NOW the day is rolling along and there’s been a considerable snow-fall in the past few hours. Falalalalashit. – 21.29 Thankfully, finally and at last back in bed! Today I HAVE to say, was a HORROR, health-wise. All day long I truly felt that my body was shutting down. Light-headed, not enough oxygen when I breathed, my eyes are still a little out of focus, my legs went weak, nauseated, as if “something” was “inside” me, taking all the energy I could possibly have. At one point, I truly felt as though, if I’d laid down, I wouldn’t wake up. In fact, tonight, I would be a bit surprised if I didn’t wake up tomorrow. Honestly, I DID feel as though I was going to be dead before the day ended. (And it hasn’t ended yet, so there’s still time.) – I was working on the banners for the soc.med. accounts, to include the “Journal Days” when Jacquie came in to deliver the PASSPORT CARD! THE PHOTO IS HIDEOUS! FUCK! REALLY REALLY HIDEOUS! The card itself is ugly as shit. But at 3$ per year for 10 years? It will out-live me. The old passport came back too… but no cancelled. Hmmm… Anyway, as soon as I opened the card and such… “LET’S GO TO KAISER!” I didn’t want to go but… 13.00 and out the door. Up to Kaiser. It’s the first time I’ve put the “Carolina” boots on since my feet went dead and it was a night-mare! Between the weakness in my body, and the pain of having to walk and the dead feet, it was HELL! But I said nothing. THEN… we headed to Venise-en-Québec… Madame Kerry’s little house on sur le lac. Cute! SO much potential… wasted of course on her. It IS very small, about the size of a large parlour, but there’s so much potential, if anybody had any gumption… which is… well.. bull-shit around here. She was having work done and the thermostat was set at… believe it or not… 12 fucking degrees!!! What a fucking shame because the place has wonderful windows and a lovely view of the lake. And with the snow coming… it was “potentially” magnificent! But… cold. I had a tea. Kerry wanted to go for a walk but I said I’d try and then had to get back into the whole “dead feet” issue. NONE of these morons listen! Not a ONE! (Truth is, Jacquie had said, before we left the house, that she didn’t have the energy to walk anyway.) So we got out of the walk, but I made suggestions on how to increase the space in the house. What will come of it? Nothing. But fuck them all. – Kerry STILL won’t come across the border. But I now know what the fuck happened. She TOLD Border Patrol that she had no address in Canada AND she hopped all over through different crossings including the ONE that, even on-line it’s said that one MUST be prepared to tell the Border Patrol why they used that crossing and “how they know of it” because it’s so out of the way (Clarenceville… and it IS in the middle of nothing, on a road that leads to nothing, from nothing). She ASKED for her shit. So I’ve a feeling that if they pursue the issue, she’s going to be sorely Shit-Outta-Luck. Good! Payment for stupidity. ANYwayyyyy…. So Jacquie, Hallie and I left and were off to Bedford to Metro where Jacquie insisted on finding 50’s . Thankfully they had none. THEN she asked if I wanted cigarettes and although I would have liked and certainly could have used, I declined and dodged the issue. YAY! So we were off and on the return. I drove back MY route. A snap across the border and the funniest bit: It was a drizzle of light rain UNTIL we crossed into VT when it all turned to SNOW! It was warmer in Québec than in VT! – When we got back to the house, Jacquie prepared pot-stickers and rice and the 2 egg-rolls she’d gotten at Metro. I ate rather well. (BUT… THAT TOOTH… UPPER LEFT… THE ONE WITH THE EXPOSED ROOT… IS KILLING ME! IF I GET ANYTHING AT ALL STUCK UNDER THE EXPOSED TOOTH AND TRY TO SUCK IT OUT IT FEELS AS IF I’M SUCKING RAW NERVES! So eating is a chore… a task… and one I don’t look forward to.) But and so… after dinner, Burt came by to plow the drive and I had to move the truck and did so. Burt plowed… EVER SO FUCKING CLOSE TO THE SUBARU! THE FUCKTARD IS DETERMINED TO DING THE FUCKING CAR NO MATTER WHERE IT IS! FUCKING MISERABLE SHIT! I’ll have to check it tomorrow in the day-light. Then we settled to watch a bit of TV until about 20.30 or so when I got up, put the left-overs away and washed the dishes, cleaned the stove and table, stoked the wood-stove for the night and took Hallie out for last rounds. A little while later, Mme. Jacquie woke, we got ready and now… seepie-nigh-night. – Note on the “passport card”: I made an extra little “envelope” for it… of aluminium foil! It’s got a “chip” in it that transmits or can be read as one approaches the border. I’ll jam their signal for certain (I hope). But it works ever so well. It’s reminiscent of the old days when the only thing I had to hand over was a drivers’ license. Cute. 30$. Well worth it. MUCH easier to carry about. But 10 years? GOD FOR-FUCKING-BID! – 21.51 Time for a bit of soc.med. and hopefully some GOOD night’s sleep… until… “The Rapture”. –

Tue.13.Dec: 9.03 JUST waking up! Coffee and smoke. Empty house. Jacquie has a meeting in BTV at 10.00. It’s nice when it’s quiet. I heard the alarms and went right back to sleep. Oh well. Feeling tired anyway. – Another day. – I’m supposing, this morning, that I should view this time as being “retired”. It legitimizes it, I suppose. But I’m not retired. I want to work. To do something. Create income. And get out of and away from here. It’s miserable. But I should, I suppose, be kinder. I don’t have that in me any more. My last thought before going to sleep, at about 1.00 this morning:
– When I got my 1st flat in NYC a “friend” needed a place to stay. I took him in for many months. He never looked for work, went out every week-end. Ate me out of house and home. Took my money & disappeared. I lost the flat, had to move.
Next place, another child-hood “friend” had been displaced. I took her in for several months. She needed money. For her, I cashed her hefty cheque. It bounced. She disappeared. I lost the place. I had to move.
Came another flat, and another “friend” who needed a place. I took him in for several months. He ran up an 1100$ phone bill, brought roaches into the place. Took my money & some jewelry & disappeared. Left me completely broke & he too disappeared.
Years passed.
In a strange town, strange state, I found a room, paid rent, literally broke my back maintaining the house & property. Injured now, for life, I was tossed out.
Thank you, for giving me a warm bed, in a warm house, with a furry little companion who is so much love, and shelter against the Winter cold. Maybe I wasn’t such a miserable person after all. –
Yeah, so what? Who the fuck cares? It’s just the way it is. – Another day. – 12.20 House still empty and quiet and I’m still so damned tired. Started to watch a bit of news and dozed! SO tired… all the time. – 21.42 A bit late to bed but… Jacquie came in at about 16.00 and fried the little teaks from Metro, backed potato and green beans. I’d finished that beet soup that had been in the fridge for a while and I have to say that it DID make me feel better than I’ve felt in a few days. Was it because it was food or because of the beets? I don’t know but it did help. And i got another almost 1000 words on the book. If “writers” try for 100 words per day, I don’t know how they manage to get anything written. But… and to think, the book is still on the first night in VT. Oh well… the difficult time is coming… cramming enough of the 5 years into the rest. But it’ll happen… I suppose. – One thing though… I WANT TO BE OUT OF HERE BY CHRISTMAS and it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen. SHOOT ME! Or something. – But it was a pleasant day and evening. And tomorrow, poor Jacquie has to be in BTV at 12.30! A long day for her but it’s to be her “Staff Meeting” and a “holiday party” of some kind so she’ll have some fun and socialising. And Hallie and I will have the house. – Today I got to thinking of how much I loved the house in Richford and would think how nice to have it to myself… and I got it. I remembered how, coming here on the week-ends, I thought how nice it would be to be here, instead of at 5225 and… And like Richford, here too, being here isn’t all I’d hoped. Silas would come and go in Richford. Jacquie pretty much does the same. If I were anybody else I’d think of this as “my home”… in Richford there was the dependence upon Silas… here, its not so much Jacquie as it is.. Fuklin and VT. Oh well… Tonight, as I stood out in the back with Hallie I thought of the song Trump uses for his campaign and such: “You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you get what you need.” I have to “try” more and harder. – Tomorrow I re-post “Gentleman Grounds-keeper”. I know I have to expect nothing during the holidays, but… “if you try sometimes, you get what you need.” “Ya gotta get up and try, try, try…”

Wed.14.Dec: 10.20 Woke to the 5.30 alarm. Turned it off. Turned the light on. Went back to sleep until 8.00. Got up. Got dressed. Had the end of the coffee in the jar. Jacquie was up in the kitchen already. Had my coffee. Jacquie asked me to empty the bins of clothes on the porch into black bags. She’s taking the clothes to St. Vincent de Paul today. She’s “planning” on being on the road by 11.00. Doubtful,since she’s baking the 2nd tourtiere this morning. And we’re waiting for her lap-top to update some sort of anti-virus soft-ware. Alas. But it’s quiet. – Snappy out this morning. Clear sky, and snappy cold. – Me? Ready to go back to sleep. Depression, to be sure. Fuck. – I’ve rather much to do: post the adverts for the book, for one thing. Post the “grounds-keeper” for another. Often, I wonder why I bother. But as Trump says: If you put your all into it and lose, no regrets. If you don’t try your best and lose, it’s your own fault. And so I try. Fuck me. – 19.05 Jacquie left at about 11.00 and shortly after, I laid down for a “nap”… 2 hours later I woke, still tired, fully ready to keep sleeping. But I woke, had to re-stoke the stove and swept the kitchen floor and that’s about all I’ve done all day. I HAVE made new images for book promotion. I HAVE made a fried rice/scrambled eggs dish for “meal”. Hallie’s had dinner. I’m actually ready to return to the bed… to sleep… to get the fuck away from being “here”. Tired. Just very so much tired. – Cold out now. Tomorrow I’ll HAVE to MUST be sure to START AND RUN THE SUBARU! – Other than this? Nothing… and I don’t give a shit. – 21.20 Back in bed and AT LONG LAST! Its snowing out there again. It wasn’t supposed to but… – Jacquie came in at about 18.00, had a wine, I had a beer. She asked if I’d eaten. I said “yes” and that was the end of that and we sat to watch some TV. No word about her day. I don’t care anyway. – The handle on one of her “pie baskets” broke. I think I could repair it, and could ask “Jason” out West for ideas… I won’t. I won’t bother. – Tomorrow begins the “week-end” again. House-work! And then? Nothing. Not going to worry or be bothered. Clean the place good enough for me. “I wasn’t raised in filth and just because I’m Homeless now doesn’t mean I have to live in it now.” – Other than that? Posting the book and the “Grounds-keeper” and all’s done. MUST figure a way to make some cash! Soon and quickly. Ah… me – Soc.med. time and SLEEP…I hope. –

Thu.15.Dec: Fuck! It’s half gone! – 7.02 Coffee, Smoke, Swept the walk. And… under the full moon, and the grey skies, this, another day, commences. Jacquie’s in the kitchen. Hallie just came into the room to say “Mgngmm”. And yes, it’s brisk out there. And my mood is … typical. We’ll leave it at that. Much to do for the book today. last night, before sleep, I checked the fesses-book to learn that “Toyooka” is doing very well with his sales of late. Stanshits are staunch Republican/Conservatives and.. I copied the post so I’ll put it in here:
Gordon Bender
December 10 at 10:32am · Wind Gap, PA ·
Nothing worse in the world of feeling like the man you married is not there for you. Beginning to wonder if he ever loved me in the first place. Beginning to feel I was his rebound for when he lost Lyle.. oh well life goes on
Karma. And it’s the same story I’d heard for 3 years “over there”. Well? That’s the way love goes. Fuck. You saw fit to toss me out? Karma came round and… Another post mentioned coming back in Summer. So if you didn’t have the good sense to Winterise the house… Karma. – Not to mention: SCHADENFREUDE. And I move along. – It’s going to be an interesting sort of week-end. Temperatures are expected to drop WAY into the minus double-digits. It’ll be interesting to see how low the thermostat will be set… when Ms. leaves. Oh well. There’s a garage full of fire-wood. Let’s see how much we, Ms. Hallie and I, have to go through… and we will NOT be chilled, I can say that much to be sure. – Morning… another day. And depression, like a clinging companion, embraces close and tightly. – 15.41 And the house is calm, quiet and tidy. Mme. left at about 15.00 today after “packing and shipping” shit from the P.O. where, instead of being provided with free boxes and proper labels, she paid another box and paid dearly for other shit. As I told her: People of Fuklin will be ripped-off and it’s exactly what they deserve. “Where else can I go? I’m in Franklin.” says Mme. Me? I think to myself: You drive round BTV more than enough, larger offices with more product… go there and as for what you don’t see. Oh well. Fuck off. – Now then, the fire-wood is stacked for the week-end. And as I look out the window, the WIND is WHIPPING all round! -33°F for a “chill” tonight. “I put the thermostat up a couple of degrees.” said Mme. as if I don’t know that it was up MORE than a “couple of degrees” whilst she was here and it was set DOWN “a couple of degrees” because she’s NOT going to be here. “Don’t let that stove go out.” she warned as she left. “The little birds are going to need more food out there.” And off she went… the kitchen was a disaster because of all the peanuts and papers and shit all over. Where-ever shit drops, there it stays. But it’s looking better now. Leave it to me. “I wasn’t raised in filth and I should have to live in it now just because I’m Homeless.” Ah… Rick. – This morning I got a few more graphics done for the book push o’er the week-end. AND I re-posted “Gentleman Grounds-Keeper” as I sat at the kitchen table and Mme. packaged her gifts to be shipped. So I’m a touch ahead of me already. Now? I’m pondering going to the store for dairy products and sweets for me for the week-end. I’m out of cash and one pack of smokes to last until the next bit of “something” gets “tossed” my way with the customary “Thank you for taking care of Hallie.” Again I ponder: 75$/week-end in a kennel x 4 week-ends/month = 300$/month. Not to mention the house-keeping. And what do I get out of it? A place to sleep… after taking care of a house that isn’t mine and a dog that isn’t mine… and the aggravation of being ignored. Tah-dah, lalalalala. Shit. And fuck. – Oh well… on with what-ever and a nap… no doubt, now that I “can” and “may” rest. – Oh! I had the Subaru running for about half an hour today. I may have to get out there and run it again for a while. But I have to mind the gas too. “Are you going to take it for a little spin?” asked Mme. Right. If the thing broke down out there today I’d have to walk about in this cold… with 2 “dead” legs. I shouldn’t think so. Oh well… So much for another day. – 23.23 In bed. Time to worry: -20with chill of -28! Will the car battery freeze tonight? I’ll never be able to get another one at the rate things are going. Especially with the “text” I received this evening:
(802) 309-9499
9:11 PM (2 hours ago)
I sant it to judakessler gmail.com I’m just concernd about the box w/ carrots & apples & the squash on t e wood. Thank you for not letting Ms Hallie out to long.
Yes, never mind whether the house is warm enough. Never mind that you can afford to send 25$ to some “charity” for some cards or blanket or what-ever. Never mind that. Most important: never mind that the house is warm enough when the meteo has us at -20 with a chill of -28. Never mind… worry more about the fucking vegetables. If you were so fucking concerned about the fucking vegetables you should have brought them in. But no. Leave then to be somebody else’s responsibility. As usual. As is common here. Well… if the fucking vegetables freeze, too fucking bad. If the car battery freezes, too fucking bad. If HELL freezes, too fucking bad. And that’s the way life goes. – Meanwhile, had 2 rye-gingers this evening. Nice. But not enough, of course. Still, better than nothing or a simple beer. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep through the night tonight. The stove is “STUFFED” and the flue is adjusted to keep the wood burning on the embers and to let the heat come up the chimney and warm the brick in this room. I have to say though, the room isn’t as cold as I’d expected. Still… And Ms. Hallie? On the “tsofa”. I’d gone out for a ‘moke (IT’S BITTER OUT THERE!!!) and she must have sensed it. It’s annoying, that she comes to the door, to “watch”. But I understand: She doesn’t want to be left alone. And I DO understand that sentiment. (Oh great… the new band on my bottom teeth just snapped as I’m typing! FUCK! I’m “pulling” and it’s quite destroyed. Oh well… one more thing before getting to sleep. I’d leave it for the night but I’m afraid of what I’ll wake up to in the morning… teeth separating and more pain than I have right now with the tooth upper-left… the one that’s probably rotting in the jaw.) As for Hallie? Indeed, I do understand that she doesn’t want to be in here alone. But hey. I mean… HEY! Oh well. Poor little sweet-heart. I’m here… for as long as I can handle being… breathing. – I got to the store. 2 eggnogs, a half’n’half, heavy cream, cookie dough ice cream (no plain vanilla… I’ll either eat it all or toss the left-over), bottle of ginger ale (to go with the rye). And “dinner”? 2 more of the “franks in rolls” left-over from “lunch”. NEVER let it be said that I’m a “financial burden”… not even concerning the warmth of the house (although the fire-wood is disappearing rather quickly and will do so more so over this cold snap, to be sure). I’ll NOT freeze any more! I’ve done THAT for 4 fucking years! – Moving along… that’s the end of this entry and this day. I have to post to the on-line and get to nap!

Fri.16.Dec: 0.01 Backed the Journal to the lap-top and replaced the band on the teeth AND checked… as I suspected: There’s a hole in the root of the tooth, upper-left. That’s why it feels like I’m sucking raw nerves when I try to “clean” it. I AM sucking raw nerves. Well… it’s a matter of time now. Another tooth to go… soon, I hope – OK. Last smoke? I didn’t have the whole one last time. Then? Hopefully to sleep! – 8.34 Up. Fire re-started. Coffee. Smoke. Thermometer on porch reading ZERO. It’s comfortably warm in the house this morning. Perhaps she DID keep the heat up a touch. – That tooth is a bit achy this morning. My sinuses on the left are sore. Blew my nose this morning and there was a bit of blood. One can’t help but wonder. Just ran a “Disk Clean-up”, wiped out all the “trash” files. Now I’ll be sorry, no doubt. Oh well. Too late. I mean, I haven’t gone near any of them in yonks. – Other-wise, the morning thought as I stood in the freeze on the porch having my smoke: Again, this morning, the sensation of needing to vomit, but not the contents of my stomach… the need to vomit the years of “sickness” here. Another morning of just the very thought. So? It’s a “typical” and “normal” morning. Let’s see how the rest of the day goes. It’s Friday. I should… I don’t know what I should. – 11.57 and the day is all but wasted on soc.med. and bull-shit. *** AND *** THE HOT WATER IN THE KITCHEN HAS FROZEN! Well… the thermometer on the porch has on just recently risen to 5°F, WELL BELOW freezing. I’ve got the little space heater from the loo blowing in under the cabinet, but I KNOW it’s frozen in the crawl space and I’m NOT in the mood to go crawling down in there to reverse the heating wire today. I probably should, but… it’s cold, filthy and cramped in there. I remember all too well. Not to mention: Dave, André, Adam, and the cast of “men” in town refused to go under there for Jacquie whilst I did it. One can’t begrudge. Oh sure, one, ANY one, can and will, and I’ve no doubt at all that the speak about town will be that I did a shitty job of it. But you know? That’s the way life is. There’s no appreciation for work that IS done, but there’s plenty of speak about work that isn’t… or work that didn’t prove to be “perfect”, no matter WHO did the work or how they did it. I’ve got the tap open, the heater heating the pipes. We can only wait, see, hope. Meanwhile, the stove is cranking the heat (not that that does any good for the floor or the crawl space) and the house is quiet. – My tooth still hurts. I’m having a tea. There’s nothing I can do but wait and see. – 13.28 There’s a stronger heater set-up in the crawl space, there’s a fire burning in the stove. BUT THE SUBARU WON’T START AND I’M AFRAID A BELT OR SOMETHING SNAPPED WHEN I TRIED TO GET IT RUNNING! IF THE CAR IS DEAD, SO TOO, AM I! I can’t seem to get a thought to stay quietly in my mind. My tooth is starting to really bother me as are my sinuses. And the anxieties rise. And with them, my brain seems scrambled. I don’t “feel” I’m “here”. I “feel” like I’m some-place “other”. I don’t want to be here. I don’t know where I’d rather be. I just want to RUN… and I’d be lucky if I could even WALK away from all of this for a moment. Legs are gone. Ankles and feet are gone. And my insides are a totally scrambled mess. What a day! – 14.45 Got a call from the FS folks. Mail returned! It was a quick and easy change by phone! WHEW! The case was about to be closed. NO FOOD! But SAVED! May the rest of the day continue along THAT line. – 23.19 SHOWERED! and I have a white band on the teeth because ANOTHER clear one snapped. Must be the rye-gingers. The bands are a bit old. – Hot water is still frozen in the kitchen. I put 2 buckets of embers in the crawl space down-stairs but the poor things can’t compete with the bitter cold. And there’s a heater on the pipes in the kitchen, but I fear the freeze is farther along under the floor. I mentioned it to Jacquie in the “report”. Of course, no response. But this morning, there was the slightest condensation on the porch door in the little room and the curtains had frozen to the glass. That’s how cold it had gotten last night. Meanwhile, the stove is up and roaring hot! So hot, in fact, that the house is warm… even the little room. And all with the smaller bits of fire-wood. Hopefully they’ll last to embers for tomorrow’s fire. If not? Oh well. I don’t much give a shit any more. My jammies are clean, I’m clean and my clothes are in the dryer. That’s that. – On Gab this evening, I got a “threat”. Will attach the image I took of the “composite”. Quite disturbing. So I reported it to the AntiDefamationLeague and others on Twitter. What a shame. But with that kind of threatening shit on social media, it has to be reported. We shall see what (if any) the out-come of this is. I doubt anything will come of it. But… I’ve reported it, over many heads. – “Meal” today? I had the last one frank in a roll and finished the pot stickers. I’m not truly hungry (although 172lbs on the scale before shower this evening, I wonder where all the weight is coming from) and that tooth is bothering me. Not to mention, the car being frozen (it’ll be interesting to see if Jacquie will let me jump the battery with the truck when she gets back… I doubt THAT very much). Things and shit. Always things and shit. But I’m clean, warm and the day has ended. – And I got another 1000 or so words in the book. I’m not enjoying the writing of this one as much and am trying to be positive about my arrival in VT. Writing now, and remembering is difficult, because everything is clouded and shrouded by the truth. Hopefully I’ll be able to wing through the rest, once I get the first week written. After that? Short stories should be the thing. – Well… a cruise on soc.med. and try for sleep. Tomorrow will take care of itself when it gets here..
Just a note of common and typical communications:
Fri. 7:18pm (to)
Early report early night quite the day. Ms. Hallie’s been going out for the briefest whiles. I guess this morning gave her quite a scare when she took off for her usual “round the house” and almost had to be carried up and back into the house. “Cold feet”. The next times she went out, she stayed in the back yard and with-in moments she was almost dragging back. Quite cold. So she goes out, does her business and comes back in and goes right to the wood-stove. Last word: She’s fine and now on the sofa watching Tucker Carlson.
In other news, the hot water in the kitchen appears to be frozen. Oddly, it was fine at 5.30 when I got my coffee but by 9.00 it was “off”. I’ve opened the cabinet under the sink, put the little heater from up-stairs blowing on the pipes where they come up from the crawl space and I took a bucket of embers down and put them (ON BRICKS) into the crawl space hoping that the little bit of heat might help thaw. As of now, it’s still frozen. But I’m not surprised because last night you could hear the front door “snap” as it got colder and even the walls and windows “snapped” as they got colder. Good thing you weren’t in your bed-room, you could feel the obvious temperature change from the kitchen into the living-room. Minus 33 degrees American is apparently quite cold. But it looks to be a “warmer” for tomorrow at 25 degrees American and tonight’s chill factor of minus 8 degrees American. MUCH warmer than last night’s temperatures. We shall see.
Other than that, the stove is going. We’re using the small bits and pieces from the wood pile instead of the larger, heavier ones. It takes a bit more watching and stoking but it keeps it going and the embers can be quite hot so that’s good. There are a couple of pieces for the over-night to keep the embers good and hot. If there are any to be “cleaned out” tonight, I’ll put them into another bucket and down-stairs. I don’t see that it makes an immediate difference but I suppose any warmth is better than none.Ran out of space up there. Reached the text limit. Oh my. Hopefully the hole message gets through. But now, I’ll sign off, get back to Ms. Hallie and make sure her little feet are OK and we’ll hope that all’s calm down your way. Sleep well. The house is being watched and Ms. Hallie, attended. Good night for now.
Fri. 10:51pm (from)
Yes all is good here. Glad to know the house is attended but most of all that Ms.Hallie is well taken care of.nigh night till the morrow!
(Gee… I hope she didn’t break her fingers on that. No mention of the cold in the house, no suggestions about how to thaw the hot water, nothing about the stove. Typical shit in this typical shit-hole of a state. Just shit… typical.)

Sat.17.Dec: 8.49 AND THE HOT WATER IS RUNNING IN THE KITCHEN!!! IT JUST THAWED! SHABBAT SHALOM! SIMCHA! THE MIRACEL OF SHABBAT! I didn’t bother waking for the alarms again this morning and woke at about 8.20 when Ms. Hallie came in to get me out of bed. Up. Stir the embers in the stove. Toss on a bit of wood and… SECONDS, that’s all it took… SECONDS. The fire was going again, quite wonderfully. Coffee in the little loo. Smoke. Breakfast for Ms. H. and as I had morning dump, the clothes dried. I got dressed, thinking of putting the heater in the crawl space again and having to get the ash buckets out and as I headed back into the kitchen I heard the delightful sound of running water in the kitchen sink. How marvellous! NOW… to get the Subaru running? I doubt that though because it’s snowing out there (which means it’s warmer than it has been) and the highest temperature is supposed to be tomorrow… 25°.. F. STILL not above freezing but. Oh well… there’s hot water in the kitchen so at least I won’t be listening to THAT whine! Falalalalalala and shit! – On with this fucking day. – 15.16 WELL! The hot water is still running. The snow has finally stopped falling. I’ve managed to catch-up on the soc.med. and post a link to a delightful rendition of “Pie Jesu” on all accounts-social media. I’ve kept the stove burning and brought in more small pieces of wood. The stack in the garage is dwindling rather rapidly now, but the larger pieces remain. I’m just keeping enough wood in the stove to keep the embers viable. I’ve brought the ash buckets up from the basement and still have to empty them. And I’ve gotten another 966 words on the book. I’m rather tired. I’ve also had bouts of wat’ry diarrhoea ALL DAY! Nerves? Anxieties? No clue. But it’s been a day of “run, go, gurggle, run, go, …” No matter. Not important. This too, like gas, shall pass. – I need a bit of a nap now.. as a cardinal comes to the feeder out-side! HOW BEAUTIFUL! “Winter”. (May I not be tortured into seeing it pass this year.) – 23.40 Showered and in bed, late again. I’d wanted to get to bed not later than 21.00 but… TV. Meh… as they say these days, I’m here now… showered again and tea tree oil on the “mole” tonight and so… As for the day? A bit of writing, nothing I’m particularly proud of as far as word count but… Meal? Finished the left-over beans and potatoes and threw some cheeses on the last roll, added ketchup and heated. It was terrible but it was edible and so I eded it. Right then. TV and more TV. No “beverages” tonight except for finishing off a quart of eggnog. Evidence in the wood-stove which is currently packed with wood and doing what it will. Not much ash in there since I’ve learnt how to actually use the fucking thing. Besides which, most of the day was just embers so to save the wood. Why save? I don’t know, because I can say for certain: it won’t be used frugally for the rest of the week. One of these days there’ll be no more. And what a fuck… it looks like I won’t be getting out of here before Christmas unless *I* do what *I* *should* do to get out of here and this week I just might (if at all possible) because I’m down to 5 smokes and I can say, again, with certainty… there will be NO cash coming now until WELL after the 1st of next month. Oh well… mayhaps I’ll just stop cleaning anything other than my own mess… which is almost what I’ve come to anyway. As I said to Ms. Hallie in front of Ms. Jacquie just this past week: When you treat others as they treat you they think you’re a shit. – Soc.med. browse and bed. I did take a bit of a nap today but… I’m forever tired these days.. Depression.

Sun.18.Dec: 12.56 and the world is covered in solid ICE! It’s been that way all day. I woke this morning, with the first alarm… don’t recall hearing the other two but didn’t get up and out of bed until about 8.46! Got my coffee, and went to let Hallie out the back door and she SLID down the ice-covered stairs! Literally SLID! Solid ice, slick too. So I had my smoke and a bit of a shit and got the chopper since there’s no salt or sand about the place. In the time it took to chop what I could from end to end, the beginning was covered solid again. It’s been a day of it… But mostly, I’ve been in the house, trying to keep a bit of a fire going in the stove with-out using too much wood. I sent a message to Mme. to warn her of the ice in the back. No reply. No response. I sent photos of the ice. No reply. No response. One thing I did today for the first time: i sent a request for a pack of smokes. No reply. No response. I know it will either be ignored or there’ll be some excuse or reason given why a pack of smokes will be too much to ask for. I’ve got 2 left now. Not happy. I’m also a bit on the hungry side right now. But there’s really nothing I want to eat in the house. So I’ve had 2 glasses of the eggnog. Have also gone back out, now that the ice has stopped falling, and tried to chop more. There’s no sense in trying at this point. The ice has, at least, some roughness to it and isn’t as slick as it was this morning. I’ll just have to watch for Mme. to return and make certain that she’s got some way of getting from the truck to the house. Why? Because I’m a fucktard. – Pammie left a message saying that we’re expected on Xmas for dinner and… of course, “I’ll have fruit and yoghurt for Kerry but…” make or buy something for dessert. Me? I have to do all I can to dodge going there. It’s not going to be easy, I’ll be forced. But I’ll try what-ever I can. So much for the wish on the star and being out of here before Christmas. Time for plan “A”… BDM. Time to ponder… seriously. Of course, the Subaru’s frozen too. This world is Hell… as Mum said: After this, there is no Hell. – Tea time I should think. When all else is shit… have a tea. I’m tired. Could go right back to sleep. But I don’t dare to do so. – Mme. was supposed to go to her Maryrose to send Xmas cards today. Gee… I wonder. (And if so, how charming: Xmas cards with Maryrose… ask for a pack of smokes? Doubtful.) – 20.20

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(802) 309-9499
Did you get my message on your gmail address?
(802) 309-9499 • Dec 15, 6:29 PMvia Google Voice
No message on my e-mail. Which address did you send to? I have about 28.
Hallie and I are just in from tinkle time. She went out. Tinkled. Went round the house once, very quickly and when I called for her she came RUNNING back into the house. Quite blust’ry out there tonight. But we got the wood stacked for next week and the little bit extra we’ll use for the week-end. There’s a good bed of embers in there now. All’s well. From the looks of it, Monsieur Météo says current temperatures (in American degrees) is 1 and the chill factor is minus 15. Indeed, it does feel that way out there. Maybe we will get down to the minus 33 (American degrees) at some point. Interesting. But for now, Ms. Hallie and I will be settling down for the night very shortly, getting under the blankies and we’ll see what comes tomorrow. Hoping all’s well down there and that your furnace holds well through the night. And we’ll “see” you tomorrow at “report”. Good rest and good nigh-night from up here to down there to you. ZZZzzzzzzz…….

Send an SMS message
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I was in bed by about 14.30. She rode in sometime before the sun had set, I don’t know what time it was because I was too tired to look. She banged about the house for a bit and made calls. Received one, talking about “Did you get to Integrity?” and If you need a ride any-where, let me know.” At about 19.00 I got up and took 2 naproxyn. No. There was no pack of cigarettes, but there WAS 2 bottles of soda and a large bottle of wine on the counter-top. I shuffled out for my halfie on the porch. When I came back in “Hello! How are you?” from the recliner in the living-room. “Did you read your messages?” “Well… yes. Some. Maybe the last one.” I came into the little room to go back to sleep (obviously, even the naproxyn isn’t working tonight… figures). She comes in “Oh… you fell. Well I brought salt. I only saw a little patch of ice.” FUCK YOU! She got told: Stanhope is right about you. Pegged you 100%. If I ever get the chance to say so in court, I’ll be happy to tell the truth there. You really are an entitled little bitch.” She says “Are you alright? Are you hiding?” Hiding? I’m under a black sleeping bag in the dark. Hiding? “Go pray to your Jesus or something. Talk with the Pope. I’ll see you rot in Hell.” And do I regret a syllable of it? NOPE!Selfish. Delusional. Entitled to the core. Liar. Hypocrite. It’s no wonder Cecil used to yell at her as he did. She’s incredible…. although, she’s common and typical of what I’ve come to meet here. Fucking entitled. The house is attended. The dog is attended. She offered this room to make certain that HER place and dog are attended. I asked for nothing until today.. one pack of smokes… Nope… she conveniently didn’t see that. The water froze. I got it running with heaters and embers. There was slick ice. I chopped at that twice to at least give it walkable texture so the old fuck, the qunt wouldn’t slip and fall… like her dog did this morning. WHAT a fucking QUNT! Again, delusional, entitled, hypocritical liar. Jesus-calling liar. And she’s got this town all “She taught me catechism.” Right… like “Carrie’s” mother in the movie and so many other “holy holy holy” qunts. Fuck. – Tonight, I’m actually pondering the BDMs… right here. I don’t much give a shit any more. Just kick back and go… right here. Just to escape this bull-shit! Fuck. – I’m typing in the dark right now, waiting for the qunt to go to bed. Why? I don’t know, really. I need to get to sleep… one smoke left and I want that. There’ll be no more after this. The selfish qunt won’t offer and I doubt any more cash will be coming. Fuck.

Mon.19.Dec: 6.44 In that Pansy-Phairie voice: “Do you wanna go out? Hmmm?” WHAT a fucking hypocrite! Sitting there at the table, reading her Jesus bull-shit. And last night, before she crawled off to her bed, the muffled sounds of a telephone call. The previous calls were audible, but not that one. Once again, no doubt, *I* am the fault here. Well, let me just say this much right here and now:
David Stanhope is right.
Lyle Glidden was right.
Poor Cecil King for the Hell she must have put him through.
Poor Whom-ever Luce, the husband she claims almost shot her.
She’s a hex, a liar, a hypocrite, a spoiled, delusional, entitled little bitch.
And this is how I’m beginning my day here after a night of some kind of related dreams about cigarettes, work, arguing. You can see the night on my face… I looked in the mirror when I went to the loo just before this writing. My eyes are puffed almost shut. The insanity of this shit-hole. Oh well… let’s loop to the beginning…. I woke, Mme. Shit was banging about the stove. I wanted to just go back to sleep but the aggravation returned, I broke into sweat and decided to get up and pee… which I did. Then, shuffled into the kitchen to get what’s left of my coffee, creamer and naproxyn. There it sat, at the table, reading its “Jesus bull-shit”. Hallie was up and was at her side. She, making all sweetsie to the dog, I just went to the window, gathered my coffee, creamer, naproxyn and started back to the little room to get away from it. IT gets up and blocks my way through the kitchen (ready for a confrontation but saying nothing & I saying nothing either). I manage round it and behind me I hear it say to the dog “Do you wanna go out? Hmmm?” Repulsed, I just came back to the room. – The day… nothing… I’ve one more cigarette which I’m planning on having in halves. I’d like a coffee but I don’t want to bother with or about it. There’s NO WORK that I’m going to be doing in, on, around this fucking place. I’m at the end of that. And now, at 6.57, I think I’ll take a nap. I’ve moved some boxes to the door to keep from having to deal with the hex. I’m tired again, and my stomach’s “wrong” (well… I didn’t eat anything at all yesterday. I had 2 glasses of eggnog. I’d put the ramen in a bowl, poured the hot water over them but… they could be still there, on the counter, for all I know and care. No wonder my stomach’s out.) Time for a nap. – 10.40 Just waking again and ready to go back to sleep. Half a smoke n the porch. The world is covered in ice. How lovely through the sunshine. How fucked-up to be here. 6$ in change scraped together. And I keep making lists of things in my head, in my fatigue. Things, chores, WORK done for THEMOST UN-APPRECIATIVE SOWS AND COWS ON THE PLANET. I’M FUCKNG TIRED. AND SORE. And too, I’m soaked in sweat now. I haven’t taken my clothes off. I’ve been sleeping in the t-shirt, sweater and fleece jacket, in the sleeping-bag and haven’t broken a sweat. But then I wake, and the sweat comes. I’ve been pondering the BDMs. It’s come to that, to the point where just downing them here and checking out seems best. I’ll keep pondering. I should re-pack some of this stuff and try to get out. I doubt the Subaru will start in this cold, since everything is still frozen. But… we shall plot, plan and ponder. – I’ve had a coffee, just because. Made in the loo. Don’t give a fuck one way or the other. The house has been relatively quiet. – I’ve no intention of speaking to the cow. best to say nothing at all. Hey! I’ve existed in a room this size before… Rockaway. The room there was about this size. No prob. Food? I’ll think of something as need arises. But for now… all’s fine. This too, shall pass… one way or another. – Pondering too, sending a little “list” via e-mail, of what I’ve done and what I’ve actually asked for… But I know it won’t be read.. any more than the texts. Things are changed. Hallie will be well-attended… the little sweet-heart. As for the rest? Let it all rot. And as for address and redress? Karma will attend. One way or another. Yes, things have changed. – 10.52 Minus 18 with chill of minus 23. No wonder it’s all encased. – 11.28 And “Grounds-keeper” re-posted. – 14.11 All posted! Even the book on all the social media, including fesses-book. How’s about dat? And Mme. s still banging about the place, trying its best to encourage some kind of confrontation. AH… but I’ve learnt well in this shit-hole of fuckéd retarderie: simply let them run… and don’t get close. Fucking shit-bags. – And on that little note du jour, I’m off to yet another nap. Hungry? A bit. But there’s too much ice out there, it’s too cold out there and I’m using and abusing this day… Plus degrees to come. Monday almost gone and only Tuesday and Wednesday to go. One down, 2 left… FUCK THIS SHIT! – 23.32 Awake. All day… awake, asleep, awake, asleep. At 20.20 I finished the last but out on the porch. There seems to be 2 packs of smokes and a note on the kitchen table but… I’m too fucking tired to get into it. And I’ve done my soc.med. for the day and now tired again. Looking forward to another sleep-filled day tomorrow. (She’s probably being nice with the smokes because she’s probably out of fire-wood in the kitchen.)

Tue,20,Dec: 10.10 3rd day no food. Had eggnog on Sunday, coffee on Monday morning. Nothing else. And this morning, the sun shines in through the window and I don’t have the horrible craving for a smoke and I don’t even want my coffee. Never mind, eating anything. I could, at this point, just lay here, go back to sleep and keep right on going until… I’m “out of here before Christmas”. That wouldn’t be too bad. Or, as I thought just before sitting up: IF I can gt the Subaru started… CO2. And nobody’d know for the longest while. I had a bit of a dream last night about John trying to fill some ditch in the back yard of some place like the Retreat or Roosa Gap. He was making cement blocks in the ditch. I went out to try to get the old “blue” truck running and to my amazement it started right up! So… if the truck started… I have no idea what the cement blocks in the ditch were about. Grave vault? Why not? – Anyway, feeling a bit nauseated at the moment and tired too. Would like to get another posting for the book out onto the soc.med. today. But I don’t want to have “chats” with Mme. I’m going to ignore Sunday and simply chalk it up to a concussion or something. Fuck her. We’ll let it go at that… Right… as if she’ll let it go. (I wonder if the smokes are still on the table. Probably not.) – Oh well… fuck me… I’m awake. – 19.22 Just watching the news as Mme snoozes. Had 2 small slices of pizza and some ginger ale for dinner. But am still so tired. I went back to sleep at 11.00 and woke at about 14.30. Al I want to do is, all I am doing is… sleep. But I did finally get to tell that the reason I’m here is because of going to court for her and that I’m fed up with all the doing for all the entitled shits around here. Once that got said… fine. – Notice arrived today: Still on FS until August. How lovely. – A card from Pam and Dave got tossed into the fire-paper pile. I put it back on the table. “She’s trying to be nice.” says Mme. about Pam. “I don’t give a shit about what anybody’s “trying” to be.” Mme. was curtly informed. But the day went calmly after all of that. – Honestly, I don’t know what, but something’s snapped this past week-end and I can’t even “think to myself”. Thoughts come right out of my mouth. And I’m not stopping them. – Mme. ordered her “bubble lights” for the tree because I suggested “Vermont Country Store”. We looked on-line. 2 were 14,95$ She’d ordered 4 because I’d mentioned that Dorothy was looking for them too. Then I noticed that a string of 7 was 29,99…. 7 for the price of 4 AND the electric. So she order the new string and said that she’d send Dorothy 2 of the lights. She asked for her address. I said I didn’t know. Just as I’m typing this I remember: I sent Dorothy those leaves. Oh well.. what-ever. The lights are due to arrive Thurs/Fri. No matter. They won’t get to GA before Xmas anyway. Fuck it. Really. – That aside, it’s 19.29 and I’m about ready for sleep… again. – I’ve been sleeping, fully clothed: t shirt, sweater, fleece jacket, jeans, socks. It’s chilly enough in here tonight to keep that attire. I’ll make a wash on the week-end. – Well… at least all my bull-shit it on the table. – Oh… Bobo’s mother died last evening. Gordie’s playing the drama all to the shits. And I see Stanhopes still have no place to go to at the end of the month. I’d like to advise them to stay put and take it to court. I’m keeping out of it all. Let it roll as it will. Fuck these shits. I’ve nothing to do with or for any of them. I now know better. – In a few minutes I’ll be back in the dark behind my eye-lids where I’m “safe and sound.”
I have a place I can call my own
That’s where I go til the night is gone.
I travel my mind and into my heart.
Nobody knows when I go that far.
This may not be a concussion but it sure as a shit-packing bloody fuck is an out-right depression. And the thoughts of being able to get the Subaru started and to “leave in it” are very close to mind and heart. I don’t even care “where”… just so long as I can close my eyes and never take another breath again… soon. – 24.19 Stumbled on the old “Moby” photo account from NYC days. Started to copy the 210 photos… MORE PAIN! WHY did I stay in this shit-hole state? WHY did I NOT jump across to where I wanted to be in the first place: The Adirondacks? Why? Because once again: give it a chance, the benefit of the doubt. As I said to Jacquie today: I’ve been fucked to hard and so often in this state that I’m bleeding… and I’m calling a stop to it. – Time for a smoke and to try for a nap… after 3 days of doing nothing but sleep. –

Wed.21.Dec:
Wednesday, December 21, 2016 at 5:44 am EST
9.00 Well… WINTER! is here! I heard the 5.45 alarm and went back to sleep until “the banging of the wood-stove”, and indeed, a banging it was. But the truth of the matter is: she makes is harder on herself and it’s none of my concern. Dimwit. So at 8.00 I finally got up and out of bed to a clear morning of “warmer” weather. We had my coffee at table discussing politics and she asked how my coffee situation is. Offered to go to Hannaford’s today or tomorrow and then decided to go tomorrow. Seems there are more tourtieres to be made. So tomorrow it’s off to the market. I hope I’ve enough to make the trip worth the effort on the FS. One way or another… I will. – Meanwhile, I’m contemplating my “departure” in earnest. Enough of this shit is enough and indeed… time to check out. – For now… there are more postings to be made for the book. Daily this week. – I need to attend to my finger nails and such too. But that won’t be until tomorrow… Oh… tomorrow… she’s off to work in the after-noon. Let us see how this all pans out. Indeed. – 9.05 and time for me to “roll” with MY needs here. – Winter… a great season to get the fuck out. May this be THE ONE! – 20.46 Mme. is on the recliner, dozing, news on the TV. I’m just in fro my last smoke (I hope) of the day. Had a bit of the eggnog to cap-off a fish dinner with some left-over rice and veggies prepared in a skillet that had fried minced pork and was licked “clean” by the dog. I’d put a teaspoon of rice on my plate when I recalled this so… And a beer. I noticed that she’s cleaned out one bottle of rye last night so there’s really not much for the week-end but I think I’ll handle that. And tomorrow, MAYBE it’s off to the market for coffee and creamer and I should think of something else that I want but probably won’t get anyway. Ah… yes, most of this is just my own silliness. But for the most part, well… it’s as I got the opportunity to voice again: I truly HATE everything that breathes in this state. So be it. But it was a day that went rather well enough. I put a lot of time in the room so… and that’s as it should be. – The stove is stoked and packed with embers with the flue open full again. I didn’t bother to clean it out because she’ll bag her way around it at 5.00 anyway. No use. No sense. No fucking brains. But that’s how she is… that’s how she’s been, and I marvel that Cecil never beat the shit out of her. It’s as I’ve concluded: Her first husband, she says, almost shot her, Cecil was aggravated to the point of using foul language when fighting with her, as Kailah told, she aggravated Stanhope to the point of tears when he left that message… it’s not the rest of us. And there’s no talking with or to her. So? It will be what it is. Meanwhile, I almost look forward to the end of the month. Hopefully Stanhopes will make it necessary to take the issue into the courts. I will NOT be participating in that imbroglio, lest I speak my mind in truth in the courts, and it won’t reflect favourably for her part. Honesty. Something this state is completely un-familiar with. Oh well. – I need to figure how to get the Subaru repaired. I mentioned crocheting kippot. There’s money to be made in those. But I need the initial investment. Fuck me if that’s to come. – I’m so “out of it” these days that I can’t spell properly and can’t even type properly. I keep making mistakes with my fingers as I type. Hopefully it’s because of my finger nails. This week-end will be “nails”… fingers and toes. – Also, I haven’t un-dressed since Sunday morning. Been sleeping in full clothes all week. This after-noon she said “You can take a shower more than only on the week-end you know.” I joked “Are you implying…?” and then made a joke with Hallie “Mommie is saying I stink.” Nothing. Oh well. Truth is: I don’t give a shit any more. And tomorrow? I’ll go to market in these clothes too. Fuck these people. I’m not in the mood and I’m not “inspired” to bathe or clean my clothes. If I offend… good. If I can’t offend verbally, I shall do so in other ways. – Been changing the advert focus on the book from the darkness of Homelessness to the “success” story of working out of it. It would be nice if the “inspirational” take prompts sales. But… I believe I know better. – Now, at 20.59 I hear voices in the kitchen and soon there’ll be the “adjustment” of the flue. I set it so that heat comes into the chimney to warm the room. We can’t have that. So… perhaps, if I’m still awake later, I’ll “fix” that. – Also, there are about 100 photos on “Moby” that I want to get and some I’d like to re-post on soc.med. This next “book” is becoming difficult to write, trying to keep an open mind about the arrival, knowing what it’s become. And trying to figure a way to keep it “lighter” than the facts with-out lying. It’s draining. And I haven’t worked on it all week. Oh… this is the shit… and I need to plant flowers. – There’s only enough wood in the kitchen for the morning tomorrow. I’ve not replaced any and she hasn’t gone to the garage to get any. I need, more than anything else, to get the fuck out of here. She made a comment earlier about the billions the Obama’s have pissed away and commented “You think *I’m* entitled?” No dear, I don’t THINK you’re entitled… I KNOW it to be a fact. YOU won’t got get fire-wood. YOU won’t stack it and YOU won’t go to the twats up-stairs to do so… and even if you did, it wouldn’t be “stacked”, it would be tossed. But never mind that. I’m not here for eternity… one way or the other… I’m not here for eternity. I see what happened to 5225 when I left. Here too, all will crumble. Good for the lot of you. Amen. – Today… the shortest “day-light” of the year and the longest “night”… WINTER! Thank you! I’m happier about Winter this year… and hope it’s my last. Tomorrow, the days become longer and the nights, shorter. The world continues to move… it’s time I did like-wise.

Thu.22.Dec:8.17 Lights went out at 2.00 and here we are again… on a delightful first full day of WINTER and… ** SNOW ***. How marvellous. Right then. The 6 hours will have to do until this evening. Mme. is in the loo and the makings of another tourtiere are on the counter. The kitchen is a disastre, of course. Ash all over and 2 bits of fire-wood left in the “bin”. Alas. There’s “work” to be done… and I’m in no mood. Perhaps I will re-stack. Perhaps I won’t. But it’s another day… and I wake, fully clothed, as in days of “Bitter-Sweet…” with “Bitterness” and all. – 21.07 AND ONLY JUST FINISHED! Re-stacked the kitchen wood. Swept round the stove and cleaned it out. Emptied the ash buckets. Swept the kitchen floor. Then took a “break” to eat the cold, left-over pizza and pulled a piece of filling out of an upper, right tooth… the one that always seemed to have something stuck in it. No pain… yet. BUT, when I looked into my mouth it was HORRID! Gums were WHITE with plaque! And I’d pulled for a full 30 minutes as I re-stacked the fire-wood! DISGUSTING! Anyway, after that, I grabbed the file and clippers and DID MY FINGER NAILS! AT LAST! I can even type this easier. How nice! Right after that? I emptied the dish-washer and washed ALL of the dishes… and RE-WASHED AND HEATED AND OILED THE SKILLETS! The dishes are in the upper rack of the dish-washer, drying. The skillets are hanging. AND… whilst all that was going on, I washed my jammies and pillow-cases and PILLOWS! They’re all on the bed now. And me? I need to trim my beard, probably my hair, and shower!!! THEN? CLOTHES get washed when it’s time to get to bed. Tomorrow? Put the dishes away and get to the floors. Then? DONE! FUCK THIS PLACE! FUCK THIS SHIT! FUCK IT ALL! – Right now? I’m going to find something so I can have a drink and listen to my music… the 60’s are playing. I’m fed-the-fuck-up with all this “Christmas” shit! Music and ALL! – Note: There was an envelope on the kitchen table… from Jacquie. I haven’t opened it and probably won’t bother. Hopefully I’ve got enough smokes to last through Sunday. But I haven’t opened the note from Pam either. Nor have I replied to her e-mail invite for Sunday. – Also… today I noticed that the wood stack in the garage is low. I asked Jacquie if she’d taken wood from there and she had. “Well, you wanted it to last through December.” I said. “More like January.” she said. Fuck that! You’d said December. But I kept my mouth shut. – As for the day prior to this… we DID make it to Hannaford’s today. I got 3 jars of coffee instant and a brick of ground. I can use the ground on the week-end I suppose. A box of breakfast cereal and a jar of creamer… and a box of “Zebra Cakes”. 2lbs of butter, a half gallon of eggnog, box of chamomile tea (I’m still not sure why), 5 tonics. There was a “jar” of some “Hot Chocolate” mix… “Sillcow” brand, made (as it were) in Wells River VT. I thought she might enjoy it. 3,99 for “479,54g 16,9oz” fuck. Called “Chocolate Moo-ouse”. She saw it in the cart and said it sounded “Yummy.” I hoep it is. It isn’t much, but I hope she gets some enjoyment from it. I don’t care, one way or the other, for it or not at this juncture in my existence. Meanwhile, SHE got a bag of onions, 2 heads of garlic, (of course, the butter is for the house), 2 containers of ice cream (on sale, like the butter at 2 for 5$). “Do you like vanilla bean or French?” she asked. “French.” said I. “And what else could we get? Cookie dough.” she said rather disappointedly. Then “Oh. Espresso Chocolate Chip”. “I’ve always liked cookie dough, as long as they don’t put too much salt in the dough.” I commented. She grabbed the espresso. “Well,” said I, “as usual, I’m asked for my choice and I’ve blown it out my arse again.” and moved along. She insisted on getting a bag of rolls… sourdough… as if. Anyway… total: 71,37 and I’ve still got 124,24 left! YAY ME! I guess. – We were off and back into Enosburgh… she said she needed to go to the banque but when we got there, she went and looked into that little “resto” at the corner of Bismark and Main… “Havrey’s” or something like that. It’s a cute place, very out of place in VT… more like The Village or something. She comes back to the truck where Hallie and I were waiting and says “They’re open for lunch. Get out of the truck.” I did NOT want to go anywhere at all and especially not some place where she’d spend money! But I went… we each had a burger and coffee. It was “fine”… OK. The burgers were almost 8-fucking-bucks! No wonder nobody actually goes there! I mean…REALLY? WTF? In Enosburgh? They should pay people to eat in that town. But it was rather nice and gave the incident in the market a chance to float away. – Back into the truck and back to the house where I got the groceries into the house, she went about the place gathering things together and at about 15.00 or so she was off and gone. The week-end began… and that’s when I got to the fire-wood and sweeping. – And now? I’m debating whether or not to send “report”. I mean, I don’t have anything to tell and she doesn’t read shit anyway. I probably won’t bother. – 21.28 In a short glass, I put a bit of rum and a bit of rye and some ginger ale. Sitting here at table, typing away. Hallie just came out for a bit of water and disappeared again. “Come Softly To Me” on the iPod and the night comes to a moment’s calm. – 21.35 and the fire is crackling in the stove, burning low. That’s fine. It’s not particularly cold tonight. Probably round -1. I’m a bit “damp” from sweating from the dish-washing. But it’s comfortable enough. If not for the house, I’d Hoover and do the floors tonight. But there’s tomorrow. And I’m in no particular rush at this point. – So let’s see how this shit-fuck week-end goes. Sunday is the real fuck… and I know I’m up against all sorts of shit about not going to Pam’s. But… we shall see how things are on Sunday…

Fri.23.Dec: 9.38 and indeed, later than thought, planned, etc. But coffee, smoke, the stove went cold so it’s cleaned, the dishes are put away, Hallie’s had breakfast and the day is in a “roll”… right off the edge of the cliff. This morning… the floors and then? And then. This little room is beginning to bother me, with the boxes piled against the wall. But, I don’t give a shit. I’m just feeling “trapped” again. No way out. Pondering: start the application process for Social Security? I doubt I’ll be receiving any… the Fed will probably suck it up, to pay for the holiday trips of this administration’s past 8 years. They don’t give a shit about me. Haven’t for 30 years. Oh well. What I need to do is get serious about getting the car rolling and getting the actual fuck out of here. Things… heavy-weighted things. All in a morning’s thoughts until the sun is out of the sky and the world truly does “go dark”. – Meanwhile… time to move along. – 14.02 AND… the floors are swept and Hoovered. I put the vinca into the plastic jar after removing label and glue. Cleaned the table in the white room of all the soil. Hoovered the cobwebs from the foyer and “dining room” too. Dishes are all put away. The porch is cleaned too. And the kitchen floor is mopped. The stove is set to be re-lighted when-ever but at the temperature right now, at 50-plus or there-about out on the porch, the stove doesn’t seem necessary so… Oh, and the bird feeder is re-filled too. And now I sit to have a tea and work on a “Holiday Message” to people: When some-one declines an invitation… DON’T FORCE YOUR WANTS ON THEM! Thank you. – And the music of the 60’s plays on. – 24.28 SHOWERED! AT LAST! SHOWERED! CLEAN JAMMIES! TEETH BRUSHED! NECK SHAVED! THE WOOD-STOVE IS CRANKING! REALLY HOT TONIGHT! BUT IT’S WARMING THE ROOM AS WELL, NOW THAT THE FAN IS ON IN THE KITCHEN. (I’m a bit concerned about that though. But, I’ve no doubt that I’ve had the thing up that hot other times as well.) – *BAD NEWS? The outlet that I have the extension cord plugged into is loose! I just noticed, as I started to type, that the lap-top wasn’t charging. Yep… the damned outlet is fucked. Hopefully THAT doesn’t cause all kinds of shit now. – Anyway… I’m bathed. The clothes are in the dryer at last (since they haven’t been off me since Sunday morning last). ALL of the dishes are washed, dried and put up. And I’m just in from last smoke (with 8 left in the pack) and when I came back into the room I noticed how nice and clean the place smells. (Well, my first wash in the shower was with PineSol…) – Today’s book postings are done. I also posted, to fesses-book, a 3-page “note” about people being kind when someone declines an offer to attend “holiday” bull-shit. It didn’t get much of a response, so I posted it twice. I wonder if Pammy & Davey read my page. I doubt it, but it’s there anyway. And I did break down and send a “report” to Mme. this evening. Brief though. – Tonight I’m trying something new on the “mole” on my chest. One of the tubes of stuff that Vanzini had given me is a steroid. Supposed to be applied twice daily at least. But the last date on the tube in 2013. It was perfectly sealed so I wouldn’t imagine it’s “bad”. It’ll be interesting to see what this shit does to the thing. The tea-tree oil had turned it a bit black, but when I got out of the shower, the outer layer was again, like a bit of mucous. I don’t know what it is, but I want it gone and there’s no way to get to the blood-root at 5225 now, with all the snow. One of these days… or not. At this juncture, it’s all “experimental”. I don’t much really give a shit. – I just want out of this state. – I also posted quite the “Truth” on fesses-book tonight, telling what the “shelter” system is like in this shit-hole. CVOEO posted something about wanting “donations” because they need the funds to support the “Sanctuary City” of BTV! They want money for fucking refugees! Well, it’s going to be interesting to see if there’s any sort of reply to my post… by anybody, for that matter. I mean, when I first posted the “Holiday Message”, it didn’t take moments for somebody to “like” it… too quickly for anybody to have read it. Shallow morons. The disappointing bit is that, no matter how many times I say that certain posts deserve a “share” to spread the word, nobody does. They “like”, unlike me who “shares” the word about. Well, tonight, that stops too. I’m not supporting those who won’t support me. – And so, I’m to bed late again tonight. – Oh too… those “noodles” that I’d put into the bowl to soften? I put them into a skillet of butter, salt and pepper tonight… they turned to a “mush”, almost a “paste”. I fried them anyway and it was more like a fritter than noodles. Had it/them with the left-over cod filets from the other evening. And the rice that had been cooked in the skillet after Hallie had licked it? I gave that to Hallie. She rather enjoyed it… in addition to her dinner. – Now… a quick stop at the soc.med. and a NAP! Hopefully, I’ll get me up early tomorrow. Why? I’m not sure. But I can’t be in bed until 9.00 again. That’s a bit ridiculous. (But at almost 1.00 on Saturday morning already, a “nap” is all that I should have.) – It’s officially “Christmas Eve” now… and tonight will be the beginning of “Chanukah”. The fucking “holidays” have fucking arrived. FUCK ME! And so much for that wish on the star… to be out of this shit-hole before Christmas. Me and my existence… one grand fuck, right up the old shitter. –

Sat.24.Dec: 8.52 and a day that again, I resent. Normal. Did NOT want to get up. Did NOT want to wake up. Did NOT want to be awake. Did NOT want to get out of bed. TIRED! But at about 8.30… BARKING. No. No rest for the weary. But I DID say, write, type last night that I did NOT want to sleep in, for what-ever reason. Oh well. I’m dressed, which I did whilst peeing. And I’ve had coffee. And Hallie’s had breakfast and been out. AND there’s a small fire in the stove, although it COULD be un-necessary this morning because it IS rather warm at 40°F on the porch. Grey too. Not “dégagé”, as was fore-told by l’météo. But that’s fine. – Shabbat. Christmas eve. And tonight, Chanukah. Fa… la fuck la la Another day. – I’m going to have a dump and then get to writing today. Nothing like re-hashing the “fun” part of having come to this shit-hole. (It’s a tough thing, re-hashing this shit and trying to keep the mood of “then” with the realities of “now”. ) – Oh well… off we go…… – 8.59 I should be happy, to some degree, I suppose. The house is still relatively quiet, so too, the town. And my clothes and my person are clean. (I need to cut my hair though… it goes a bit astray in the morning.) I should be, to some extent, happy… should… not. – 10.19 I was just wrapping up on the fesses-book for today’s post and at 10.10 on the PC.. the snow began to fall! A fire in the stove, calm in the house… and snow falling with a bit of wind blowing… and so this is “Christmas”. (Fucking shame my gut says “Kiss my arse.” eh?) – Oh… replied to Mme’s reply to last night’s “report”… She mentioned being invited to dinner tomorrow… part of my reply: “… if anybody will be Christian enough to allow me to choose…” with re: not going. Tah-dah! Fuck. – 12.58 COLD! DAMP! The snow stopped and turned to rain and the chill is through to the bone. – I got all of today’s book postings done though. And that’s about all I’ve accomplished. – Phone call message from Pam about tomorrow. – 5 smokes left. No doubt the store will close early today and won’t be open tomorrow. Here we go again. I could open the envelope, but don’t want to. I could go (if) and get more smokes, but don’t want to. Here we go again. I can’t care. – 14.48 I just went through all of the butts in the jar and rolled 4 more smokes! I MUST remember to keep them from now on. There might have been another pack in there, had I not tossed the half jar. But, not too bad, I must say. And now? A hot tea, that follows a 30-minute nap and… let’s see what I can accomplish with the remainder of this day. The snow changed to rain. The rain became drizzle and this morning’s warmth has dropped to this afternoon’s chill. There’s a fire in the stove and terribly limited wood in the garage. But I will NOT sit here in the cold. – Eventually… a hair-cut. – 23.37 SHOWERED. IN BED. CLOTHES IN THE DRYER. HAIR-CUT TODAY! All clean and another application of the cortisone to the “mole”. Day is done. Fucking wasted too. Soc.med. mostly. – The fire in the stove is so hot that it’s actually radiating through the bricks tonight. Imagine that. I can do this on the week-ends but try during the week? Not a chance. Oh well… December’s almost gone. The “cold” weather is to come. – And I must think and know: so much for “wishes” and “hopes”. I’d wished to be back in NY before Christmas. Well? At 23.39 on Christmas Eve…. Life, the world, Creation,… it all fucks up again. At least the continuity in my existence hasn’t stopped… fucked a hair’s breath from death… and it continues. – I opened the note from Pam. A “Thank you for your friendship.” Right. What part of “I don’t want to be a part of this place.” do they not get? And in the card, with chickadees, from Jacquie, just the printed “good holidays” and the written thanks for taking care of Hallie and 40. That’s nice. Smokes… for another couple of days. I’m just hoping that I’ll get away with no “gift”. – Anyway, no sense in blithering on about all that shit now. Time for a brief run through the soc. med., see the others who are fucked tonight too. – OH! Fox had the most WONDERFUL exposé on Charles Krauthammer tonight and I just managed to get to see it! WHAT A MENSCH! From L.I., went to McGill. Started with PoliSci and went for a Psychiatric degree. At 22, cut class to go play ball with a class-mate, they stopped at a pool and he dove down… hit his head, broke his cervical vertebrae and has been paralysed from neck-down ever since. Has some use of his hands (can drive a specialised car). But imagine! And… he’s Jewish! (I suppose that shouldn’t come as a surprise… name considered.) Anyway… it was amazing. How I regret now, not being in NYC. I could meet him. But I’d probably just break down and sob it I had the opportunity to meet. – On that… wrap this shit up. The heat is still radiating from the bricks. The thermostat on the stove is almost up to the “black”. Not good, I shouldn’t think. But… Oh well… HEAT! on this cool and very damp night. –

Sun.25.Dec: 8.19 on a crisp, sunny morn, coffee, a halfie, and dressed. Fire started in mere seconds. All this, and I don’t know why. No cars behind the store. I suppose they’re sleeping-in or not bothering to open at all. Ah, but ’tis Xmas, and EVERYONE MUST observe. How kind. How “Christian”. I have to remember John Smith and “Christopher St. in the Catskills”: Not everybody has some place to go to, and some just don’t want to be around judgemental family. So I open so that they have some place to go to, where they can be themselves, with friends. – Well… in the lyrics of the holiday tune: And so this is Christmas, and what have you done? – 10.15 1 smoke left and just back fro a stroll to the store: Closed yesterday at 15.00 and closed all day today. Interesting times to come. Well… I guess I’ll clean the floors & go back to bed. I’d ask Mme. to pick up a pack of smokes en route back but… I know better. – 10.23 Mme. wanted the “pies” to be taken out of the fridge this morning. They’ve been. Mme. sent a text last night mentioning the pies in the oven at 300°. I asked “When?” Still no reply. I’ve become pissed. Plan? Hoover the floors and go back to sleep. – 22.03 MADE IT!!!NO DINNER! NO PRESSURE! Jacquie came in at about 13.40, got the pies and asked if I was sure I didn’t want to go. I was “in a good mood” and politely said that I was sure. She got into the truck and left. UNfortunately, Ms. Hallie followed her to the road so she got Hallie into the truck and en route, found Jes who joined her for a once-round the block with Hallie and the 3 of them returned. I was busy posting the book to soc.med. BUT… AGAIN… NO PRESSURE into going! I guess they’re learning… or they’re afraid of setting me off. Either way… it’s fine! I MADE IT! – So… right now, I’m HUNGRY because… I’ve had a bowl of yoghurt and a bowl of breakfast cereal all day. But… at 177lbs, I suppose I can do with-out for now. – OH! JACQUIE BROUGHT FOUR PACKS OF SMOKES! (I’d posted the request, included in the request for what time the pies should go into the oven, about 5 times before she replied, and when she DID reply, I knew she’d seen the request for A pack.) Anyway, she gave me 2 and put 2 up in the cupboard. “These are mine!” she said. And then said “If there aren’t 2 packs in there on Thursday, I’ll replace the missing pack or packs.” Back-ups. Ah, but I have enough cash for 4 more and the 2 from today should last me through Friday. I’m fine again for a while. AND NOW I know that I can take the butts and roll MORE! So that’s a savings there too. – Meanwhile… So when she got back from dinner at about 17.30, we “opened gifts”… for Hallie, which was a delight! It was as if she KNEW the gifts were for her. Mostly toys, she’d take each toy in her mouth and walk through the hall and back into the living-room, as if giving it a “test run”. AND… to my chagrin, although I was genteel and kind about it, a new pair of Carhart jeans for me. I was kind and thankful. (They’re still in the living-room though.) And we had a beer and watched “I Love Lucy”… colourised. – By about 21.00 it was time to wind-down the day. Poor Jacquie.. she’s got a staff meeting on Wednesday! Then work again on Thursday-Sunday. No real “holidays”. BUT… the BEST news is… New Year’s Eve is SATURDAY! I CAN BE ALONE AND NOT HAVE TO BOTHER WITH ALL SORTS OF SHIT! YAY! OH YAY! So I’ll get away and through ANOTHER BIG ONE! WHAT A RELIEF! – OK. So now, lights are out, the stove is cranking, and all is calm in the house-hold. – Me? I’ve resolved to TRYING WITH MY ALL, to being kinder from now on… I just have to figure how to get the Subaru running again… and get out and to the ADK… SOOOOOOOOON! – Time for a quick soc.med. since there’s nothing to nibble on tonight now. And Jacquie said she might “sleep in” tomorrow. I’ll have to beat her to the stove in the morning… Lettuce hope. –

Mon.26.Dec: 10.15 I hear the first alarm, turned it off, dozed. I never heard the second and third! I don’t understand that. But by 8.30 I got up, got dressed and began the day. Mme. was up by 7.00 though, scraping away at the stove. I’ve had coffee, 2 smokes and lovely chat… about the Bible and politics. We’re “safe” with those topics. Anyway, the PO is closed today and it’s another chilled and damp day. Winter… in the North. – How charming. Not. – 22.24 MADE IT THROUGH ANOTHER DAY! – Right now, the wind as slamming in fro the South with gusts up to about 100-105km/h and it’s amazing! It’s also gotten noticeably WARMER! Not “warm” but warmER. And since the wind is coming from the South, even that’s on the more comfortable side. Forecast is for above zero temperatures the next few days. It’s actually a beautiful night to be under the pines, on the mountain, bidding all of this a “Go-the-fuck-to-Hell”. But here I am… still hoping that I don’t wake up in the morning. – Today? I did a bit of soc.med. Jacquie went through a stack of mail. The PO was closed so it as a strange sort of day. But the “holiday” fell on Sunday so… fuck them, they get the Monday off. How sweet. As for the PO… fukkem! Good. Tomorrow will be even worse. Let the little bitch sweat. Not that this fucking town will bitch about anything about that one. – Moving along… It was almost 18.30 when Jacquie finally decided to put burgers on for dinner and at about 19.00 the knock came: The Jes’n’Kerry team, over-dressed but walking in the rain and wind. Their electric and phone went out. Oddly, it was just one section of the Square Rd. that went. Anyway, they stayed for dinner… and Jacquie made meagre servings for all. I don’t know why. In fact, today she pulled out one of the chickens that we’d gotten (FS) at least a month, if not 2, ago. There never seems to be anything in the house except old veggies from the garden… and all the while, the meat’s in the freezer. I have to wonder: saving it in the hopes I’ll be gone? I have to wonder. – Anyway, Jes’n’Kerry brought a little bag of “gifts” for me! A pair of Carhart socks, a cute little “Dachshund” pen, a Russian phrase book (Jes says it’s for when Trump gets into office and I can apply for an under-secretary job as liaison to Russia… although I still wonder why he brought it… it’s obviously not “new”, but it was sweet anyway… gives me something to do in my “spare” time… I suppose.) And a delightful little item called “Jude’s Miracle Cloth” that Kerry found in a shop in Ontario! Kills 99,9% bacteria and cleans windows and such, streak-free! – And we all had a wonderful chat, especially Jes and I, about geology, Indian tribes and such. (I have to marvel when I think: Lyle and Bobo had dinner with them once… and both Lyle and Bobo said “They’re out of our league.” Well then… I suppose I too, am out of their league… what-ever their league is/was. In any event, I consider it a compliment.) – They left round about 20.30 and walked back. Rang to say their lights were on and all’s well. – Jacquie and I sat to watch a bit of TV and a little while ago I took Hallie out, for romp’n’frolc in the WIND! She was SO happy to do so. I HAD to take her out. She’d been panting so heavily in the living-room and she was licking my hand! Little sweet-heart. – That said and recorded, it’s actually VERY warm in the little room tonight. Seems somebody’s turned the heat up. But that’s not a point. – Also… I put a new application of that “cream” from Vanzini on the “mole” on my chest. It’s turned “white” from the first application, and the old band-aid was a bit “blackened” from something. Oh well… what-ever. I doubt it’ll kill me. But it’s doing “something” to the “mole”. We shall see. I’ll put another application on Wednesday when “maman” goes to staff meeting… and maybe I’ll shower. We shall, indeed… see.

Tue.27.Dec: 8.12 (6°!!!) and yes, up and smoked and the house is “busy” and the wind is down to a breeze. No fire in the stove… the thermometer on the porch is reading 40°F! this morning. Quite comfy! Several limbs from the maple in the back are now on the drive. Jacquie too Hallie out and picked some of the lighter ones up. But there’s a hefty bit still there. Me? I’m going to wait and see if somebody else will pick it up. Just a wait’n’see. Imagine… at 40° it’s “warm”. Yep… last night would have been a delightful night … under the pines. – Well… let’s see how this day rolls on. God help us all. – 22.40 We’re wrapping the day. And it was a calm day until… well… dinner wasn’t until 19.30 and I find it interesting that it was held until Jes and Kerry could get here. I noted, to myself, that there really isn’t any consideration given to the fact that dinner is my ONLY meal of the entire day. Save the pastrami sandwich we had at “lunch”. But that’s not a point or issue. – Anyway, the day DID go peacefully. – After dinner, it was discussed that Jes and Kerry should go check the house on the Square Rd. and they’d even taken the keys when Jacquie said that the lawyers for her and Stanhopes had agreed that the Stanhopes have until the 15th Jan. to vacate and that the Stanhopes had said they’d be out by the 31st Dec. I asked what was in writing… and of course, for the sake of the convenience of the “Vermonters”, the over-all decision was that they didn’t know but that, since it was “said” that they’d be out by the 31st… I lost it a bit when I said “You technically and legally don’t have any right to be on that property until the 16th Jan. because at this juncture, YOU don’t actually own that property, the court does and the Stanhopes are there by permission of the court. If you, or your representatives go into that house before midnight on the 15th, Stanhopes have the right to have you or them arrested for trespassing.” WELL! NO! It HAD to be argued until Kerry decided NOT to take the keys and it was agreed that they’d “drive by and look”. Seriously? So I voiced my hatred for this “shit-hole” to which Jes replied that it’s worse in Arkansas. They defend this shit-hole as if they have ancestral rights here. It’s repulsive. But… I tried to talk with Jacquie quietly after the house settled. “I’ll call Peter in the morning.” Good for you. – One other note: When J and K left this evening, I took Hallie out for a stroll. A few flurries were coming down. Jes remarked that it was a “fine rain”… By the time we walked to the end of the back drive and round to the front, it was obvious that it was, in fact, “snow”. But no… it remained a “fine rain”. This place is hopelessly retarded. – Next note: On the news, a fellow who was a U.S. rep in the U.N. was on and was asked, plainly “Isn’t it true that the Palestinians get paid for every Israeli they kill?” and he said, definititively, “Yes.” Jacquie said “I doubt that’s true.” I asked “Do you know who he is?” “No.” I told her and said that if anybody should know about such matters, somebody from the U.N. certainly should. Nope… brushed away. – Oh well… – Anyway, the day is over and into the night and all are in bed and that’s the end of that. – I MUST get the fuck out of here! Now, to figure out HOW! IMMEDIATELY. – End of day… of to soc. med. and… sleep this off until tomorrow when, no staff meeting. Alas. But Thursday… she’ll be leaving early. – OH! I got the old computers up and running. Now we need to find out how to get stuff off if them and then pull the hard-drives and let her dump them. Oh… the shit… the bull-shit… the utter shit. –

Wed.18.Dec: 8.54 Slept through the alarms again this morning. I wonder HOW I do that? Anyway. Flocons this morning. The days begin. It’s supposed to be like this for the next 3 days too. – Funny, this morning I woke remembering “Good morning” and “How are you?” and other phrases… in Russian. How charming. Of course, there’s really nothing I can do with such things… even though Jes jokes that I’ll be applying for some kind of under-secretary in Trump’s cabinet with it. Oh well… in this land, bereft of culture and intelligence… A waste-land, as it is. – In from a smoke and had my coffee and put a new band-aid on the mole with the med. Another day commences. I just HAD to wake up… again… fuck me. – 22.53 and a successfully peaceful day! Nothing much to say about what happened round the house because it was delightfully pleasant all day. I got my postings to soc.med. for the book. I need to make more graphics now for the remainder of the week. Not that they’re doing any good, but… AND I’ve got to work a bit more on the computers. But I found a 500Gb separate drive that will hold EVERYTHING that I’d like to get off this computer to. It’s so small that I can now just forget about “leaving” the lap-top behind and carry THAT with me. How about THAT? I see it as “Divine Intervention”. As Tony Muscle put it: God know that I need and has seen to it that what I need is made available. Thank you! One less “item” with which to be concerned. – Anyway, that said, we had a very nice dinner this evening. I ate modestly but well. There are many dishes in the machine that will be taken care of (if they aren’t already) and a few pots left in the kitchen. Now… if I can only figure out WHY I sleep through the morning alarms… I could get up in the morning and get those done… or… as would be, I’ll get to them in the after-noon when its my turn to “take charge” of the house. – Word (fesses-book) has it that the Bobo’s are trying to plan a “visit” to 5225 in the next few days BUT…the forecast is for a “Winter Storm” to come. So? So… And Ms. Jacquie is still convinced that the Stanhopes will be out by the 31st. Says she, Patty-at-the-store says one of the Stanhopes announced that they have a house. Well? It’s not mentioned on their “page” so… we shall see what we shall see. – Now, the stove is going. I’ll have to haul some wood for the week-end but that’s fine. All will be done by tomorrow evening. I’ve enough “butts” in the jar to roll more smokes and 40$ to get more. Not bad. (I just wish I’d have gone with Jacquie this morning when she went into Enosburgh… I could have gotten my vodka. Oh well. I’m stupid that way. No “drinks” at mid-night for “New Calendar Day”. I’ll think of something, no doubt. – Off to the soc.med. of the evening. The U.N. and the U.S. have both screwed Israel with this week’s resolution… This administration seriously needs to be “put away”… I fear what’s to come because I KNOW, I KNOW that this is not going to pass peacefully. This world is done… and the “end” is just round the corner. Good to have lived long enough to be at peace with even being rotted to death by radiation. I don’t give a shit. Let death come. I mean… in the past couple of weeks, there have been more deaths of rather famous people… Something is happening… it’s all a matter of a short while of time…

Thu. 29.Dec: 10.00 Over-slept again this morning… although, I didn’t put the lights (and me) out until 2.00 this morning. I spent some time on Jacquie’s Twtr account, adding “follows” and some imaged to make the account look viable and “alive”. Me? Why? Because I’m stupid. It won’t be used and it won’t be appreciated, of course, but that’s the way life goes. But at about 8.30 I finally dragged my arse out of the bed and got the morning rolling… with the normal routine and a little light chat. Now? I’ve re-worked the “Grounds-Keeper” listing to include a nice bullet-list of chores and such and Jacquie’s in the loo, prepping for her week-end. – I hear that she’s planning a roast beef dinner for Sunday. How charming. The “usual” crowd to attend. How charming. IF I feel like it (of course I will), there’ll be lots of “maintenance” on the week-end. But that’s fine. Keeps me busy. – Right now… “Stuff du jour” to be done (and there will be wood-stacking in the kitchen!). – 21.51 Can you believe it? SHOWERED! And laundry in the washer. Jammies. Done. Finished with the day! Jacquie left about 13.30 and I took a nap. Went to the store for ice cream, Cool Whip, eggnog and bread. I’m not hungry. Had 2 bowl of ice cream with Cool Whip. Calories. At the store, Jada got into chat… SO! Seems Bill and Sue have had keys to tend to 5225 BUT, I WAS CORRECT… (as usual)… THE PIPES BURST! (I wonder if that’s not why Bobo & Ms. Gordie needed to make the trip up?) Oh well… – AND, the news from the red house is that there’s a “closing” on the 9th January. SEE? AGAIN! I WAS CORRECT! Jes and Kerry were ready to take the keys and go into the house! OK! So I’m the shit4brains here. Fuck them all!
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION: DO NOT SPEAK WITH, TO OR AT ANY OF THEM.
Moving along… I pulled today for the first time in a while… that tooth that’s been rotting with the receding gum?The exposed root broke. I now have ANOTHER broken tooth… and this one is in the jaw firmly and the break goes into the tooth and exposes the gum… and probably the remaining root. Again… I’ve had this before… It’s going to end up with this tooth too, cracking and being pulled in 2 pieces. Just so long as there’s no pain, I’m fine. – Another thing: that “mole” on the chest. This cortisone isn’t doing much in the way of getting rid of it. So I guess I’ll go back to the anti-fungal. THAT dried it out… until such time when I can get blood-root or something of that sort. – Haven’t sent “report” to Mme. yet. – OH! I “hauled” fire-wood into the kitchen from the garage today. Stacked for the week to come and some of the little shit for me for the week-end. This is going to be interesting. I don’t know if Mme. put the heat up or not but her words were “Well, good that it’s not so cold. I mean, 20 is still comfortable for me.” Right then. The wood’s almost gone, sister. And I will NOT sit in this house and be cold. – And HUZZAH! She’s planning a roast beef dinner for Jes, Kerry, Pam and Dave on Sunday. Right. ANOTHER fucking holiday! But at least once this one’s gone… they’ll ALL be gone. How-ever… Pam and Dave are going to “Frist Night” in BTV on Saturday… Jes and Kerry are doing something in Canada and thinking of trying to get to some part of “First Night” so… IF the dinner pulls off at all… LATE! We shall see. – Meanwhile… a post note to Mme. I’ll let her know about 5225. (It appears to be a secret that Bill and Sue have been “watching” the place so if I say something… maybe some shit will hit the fan! YAY!) Then a touch of soc.med. and lights out… at a civil hour…. I hope.

Fri.30.Dec: 8.26 I was “out” by about mid-night and up, rather refreshed, with the 5.45 alarm but stayed in the bed through the rest of the alarms and did NOT want to get out of bed shortly after the 8.00 alarm. But… I did get up, and got the grey morning started. The fire is re-started and Hallie’s had her breakfast. The tooth is sharp but there’s no pain (yet). And I’m ready (again) to toss this day. No snow to speak of, coming from the skies. And none of all of this makes any difference at all. I’m still a bit bent about trying to “help” others who won’t heed. But, this morning I think of Ms. Dorothy Parker who put it all into perspective:
YOU CAN LEAD A HORTICULTURE, BUT YOU CAN’T MAKE HER THINK.
How true. – 23.16 and again, I’m later to bed than I wanted. – Météo says; Minus 9with chill of minus 14 but I’m just in from last smoke and it feels colder. MUCH colder. Low tonight, -12 with chill of -16. The Subaru is going to die (if it hasn’t died already). I’ll have to check my “retirement” and see what’s in there. The market has been doing very well in the past few weeks. I can only hope that when I NEED to get the car back on the road, it will have done EXCEPTIONALLY well. – Meanwhile, today I managed to get all of the 9 pages of the “doc” journal onto the blog and done a back-up. I got the fire going with the smaller bits of wood from the garage and the stack out there is dwindling. I don’t give a shit, really. I will NOT sit in this house and be cold! I will NOT! – I spent entirely too much time on the soc.med. too but… that’s “life” in this shit-hole. I need communications with people of SOME intelligence and humour. Something this place is rather bereft of. – Began, again, reading the journal of the first months here, in Shit-hole and it took its toll. A month after… I SHOULD HAVE GONE RIGHT THE FUCK BACK TO NY THEN AND THERE! Now, 5 years later… I SHOULD HAVE GONE BACK RIGHT AWAY!!! What a fucking that was back then… and even continued to today. Didn’t get any writing in but… I suppose what I’m going to do, once I get the “arrival” done is break the rest down to towns… residences… and try to “work” the names (or not). But the rest will be towns… short stories. That’s how it’s going to go. – The tooth on the right is bugging me tonight. Sharp edges are scraping my tongue and it’s playing havoc with the sinus. But… this too, shall pass, some-how. – Well… going for 23.30 (23.25) and time to quick-browse soc.med. and get to sleep. – No shower tonight. Tomorrow will be shower and quick wash of clothes for the coming week. We shall see how shit flies… and shit will, of course, fly. – Oh… I got January’s page ready on the blog too… graphic and all. Ready to go into another fucking year… Happy “new calendar day”… FUCK ME! HERE? HERE! FUCK ME!

Sat.31.Dec: 7.51
DREAM: Night. Had to drive me and somebody else, a guy, not sure if he was Bradshaw or Zur or even Jes, but I didn’t want to drive him, because he was pompous, pretentious, arrogant and poo-poo’ed the car (Subaru). We left Franklin and were headed into BTV, to work. The drive went along but I was concerned that the car wouldn’t make the entire trip. It was very dark. As we pulled into town, on a brick-paved road, I went to make a left turn and the steering was a bit difficult. AS we turned, I suddenly saw that we were on nothing more than “pipes”. A cross pipe in the rear, holding the rear wheels, left and right, attached to a long, centre pipe upon which our seats were attached, that led to the front cross-pipe that held the front wheels onto the “frame”.But as I turned, the whole thing tilted up and I could clearly see that there was no tyre on the right/passenger side and nothing at all, not even the wheel on the left/driver side! “No wonder the steering got a bit difficult.” I commented. Well, we drove right to a garage where I pulled in and when we got off of the thing, I propped it up against a wall. Some young “mechanic” came by, looked at it and in a snarky tone said “She’s a beauty alright.” meaning the “car” (frame). “Yeah. Maybe so, but she got us down here from Franklin.” I replied, equally snarky. I was concerned because “This repair is going to bankrupt me completely, for certain. But I have no choice in the matter now.”, I thought to myself as I left the garage.
And I woke, on my own, at about 7.25. – Now, the fire is just re-starting, I’ve had my coffee. Only half a smoke as of now because, for some reason, my chest is rather “sore”… lungs. Maybe it’s the cold. The porch thermometer reads about 15°F. A touch on the cloudy side but it seems to be clearing. So much for all that “horrid” Winter storm. Although, from last night’s news, it appears the “Storm” actually DID hit… East of the Green Mountains where they got up to “feet” of snow. Here? Only a few centimetres. Oh well. – So now… what to do with the rest of this day. Its Saturday. – Ah.. 2016 finishes tonight. A “new year”… more shit… As I had my smoke I thought of all the folks that have died even in recent months and I thought, with regard to deaths and funerals: Everybody’s having one, why can’t I? – 22.54 Showered. The clothes are in the dryer. The stove is stoked. I’m in bed… clean. Another day and another week-end are DONE! I weighed me before shower. 176,5lbs. WTF? Where is it coming from? It’s a good thing I don’t eat when I’m hungry. I can’t figure out where the weight is coming from. But… that “mole”? After the shower it BLED! IT’S BLEEDING LIKE WATER! JUST KEEPS BLEEDING! I put more of the “red tube” on and a band-aid. Let’s see what it all does. Where it goes. What it becomes. – As for the day? Nothing much. Got the battery charger out of the barn and onto the porch. Down-loaded the “Manual” for it too. (What DID we do before Internet? And to think: I’ve been mucking with it since before it went into homes. I’m so fucking “OLD”. TeeHee. Fuck.) I’ll have to get the battery out of the Subaru to charge it though… In time. Today it was rather cold until the after-noon. We had a bit of snow but nothing to chat about. – I started to move the computer to the peripheral drive. It keeps jamming on the music. 61% and dies on that directory. I’ll have to manually move the music, a few at a time… and there are thousands. Duplicates… it needs “cleaning”. But once it’s all “backed-up” I can go through and weed it all out…”cull”, if you will. There are a few more hours of work to be done on it. But tomorrow, Mme. sent message, she won’t be back until about 14.00 so there’ll be time… along with cleaning this place a touch. – Other than that, I watched a little bit of TV. Too much on the “New Year’s Eve” shit. In fact, I headed for the shower at about 22.00, brushed my teeth (what’s left of them) and put a clear band on the teeth. Hopefully this one will last longer than a couple of days? – Poor Ms. Hallie. I’ve not been a good companion to her these week-ends. The little love. But at least she’s not been alone, something she despises. – Well, for now… a touch of soc. med. and then lights out. It would be nice to get to sleep before 1.00 as is the “norm”. I’ve got some work to get to in the morning. (Wood-stacking is done, save the “starter” for the morning… day. I’ll take that out of the garage… from what little is left out there. To think: February is the coldest month and there won’t be any fire-wood. COLD week-ends are coming. – I wonder if VdP even thinks about me any more. I’m fucked. But it’s Winter… and with the battery charger… so long as the “parts” hold out long enough…. I’ll be fine.