April 2014

TRUST… Ne’er more… Ne’er again.
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***** Tue.1Apr: 6.55 A NEW MONTH AND OLD MEMORIES… GOOD AND MISERABLE. MAY THIS NEW MONTH SUCCEED IN SHOVING THE MISERABLE MEMORIES DEEP ENOUGH INTO MY UNCONSCIOUS THAT THEY’RE NOT SEEN NOR HEARD FROM AGAIN… UNTIL SUCH TIME WHEN I’M ON MY WAY OUT OF THIS WORLD… AND AT THAT, NOT EVEN THEN. – THERE WILL BE NO “TRUST” NO MATTER WHAT, SAVE THE TRUST IN THE FACT THAT, IN ANY EVENT, I WILL TRUST THAT OTHERS, THOSE I MISTAKENLY ALLOW AND PERMIT TO DO SO, WILL MAKE EVERY ATTEMPT, AGAIN AND AGAIN, TO HURT AND DESTROY, JUST AS AND EXACTLY AS THEY HAVE DONE THROUGH MY HISTORY, MY EXISTENCE, MY LIFE. AND I HOPE THAT THIS FACT WILL REMAIN AT THE FORE-FRONT OF MY MEMORY… ALWAYS… FOREVER AND THAT I NEVER FALL INTO THE ABYSMAL ERROR OF TRUSTING THE WORDS OF ANOTHER… EVER… NEVER, NEVER AGAIN. *****
The sun has already broken over the hills and there’s day-light filling the room. March is gone. April is here, to be followed by May. I slept well enough last night. Woke with the 5am alarm, put on the light and went right back to sleep until B. left for work. Smoked the last of the Camels. 4 Players in the pack. And my thoughts are of laundry and a road trip today. The forecast is, according to B., for 45°F at some point. Last night’s forecast on-line was for sun. I hope they were both correct. I’m a touch apprehensive about the bike ride today. First thing this morning was a trip to the loo. And, not having the banque card, there’s no telling whether the US currency will be accepted at the Magazin Generale. Oh well… one way to find out. Besides, I’m willing to spend at par and I’m rather certain that Jo and they, come to “this side” for gas… this will save them a bit of money, especially if I spend at par. It’ll be good to get out of the house today, good to take a bit of a “walk and ride”, good to get HOME. – How odd though: my heart doesn’t skip about at the prospect of going HOME this morning. Not with all the silly, sad and insane politics there. But much has happened in the course of my life-time to change my attitudes toward much that I’ve loved… I will NOT permit a “fistful of assholes”, as it were, to tarnish my love for … HOME. – And now? On with this day, another coffee, and to get into motion. Motion… it’s what we do with a day. – 16.45 HOME! HOME! HOME! I MADE IT HOME! AND IT WAS… HOME! HOME! HOME! Douanes… VITE! The guy tells me “You’re my first bike this year.” and that was. that! The trip didn’t seem so long, nor as tedious as before. The hills seem lower, the flats seem shorter, the whole trip seemed easier. Of course, I took my time, and it was about as long (I left about noon and arrived about 13.58 as I looked at my phone), but it just rolled along… pleasantly and most enjoyably. Snow in the fields, but the tops of the cut corn are showing. The roads are dry, save where the frost gathered over the Winter and there, there’s water. But for the most part… dry all the way. And clear, CLEAR skies! Just magnificent! WONDERFUL! DELIGHTFUL! MUCH MUCH NEEDED! The welcome at the Magazin Générale was “HOW ARE YOU?” André… It was HOME! And the welcome was wonderful as well. (I got 3 packs of smokes, paid at par. Now I have 6$CDA. But it’s nice to have it again.) And the chat went to the politics… André says that if the PQ gets back in, he’s selling his 5 parcels of land and he’s out! Moving to the States. 75% of the population wants the PQ out. We talked about trusting Couillard. We talked all sorts of things: weather, tourism, talked as 2 Québecois would. I was HOME! It was difficult to leave, but there will be more trips to come. Indeed. If I’m to stay in this town here in VT, there will be MANY more trips… and those to come? In a car! – The trip back went by entirely too quickly. Even with stops to take photos. The crossing back was quick. “How was your bike trip?” OK. Thank you. Bye. Point. Oddly enough, as I crossed North, the music played… “Câlisse moi là!” and as I crossed back, “Aujourd’hui ma vie c’est d’la marde”! Funny, that. – But open, clear, CLEAR skies, and just the slightest chill in the air. At the Richard Rd. I stopped to take a photo and the sun was actually HOT! It was DELIGHT! Plain and simple… DELIGHT! (Oh, and that little house at the turn at Dutch… no longer á louer. Oh well. – When I got back into town… it was… and that’s all I’ll say about that. – I thought, again today, how Viv is the only one who knows WHY I’m up here… She’s brilliant… but I always knew that. – AND… according to the weather reports? 5 or 6 DEGREES when I got back! Imagine that… being so thrilled when the temperature is “up” and still single digits. Fucked-up, that. But WARMTH! AT LAST! (Tonight? Sleet… Tomorrow? Sleet and rain and snow. Oh well… April… North Country. But today? PERFECT!) – So, the table is set for dinner… 3 places. I’m having Ramen. Could have soup but am settling right not for Ramen. I’m hungry. It’s hot. All’s good. – AND AND AND… when I went HOME today I thought: VIV’s HERE! And we’re BACK TO COMMUNICATING AND SEEING EACH-OTHER! HERE! HOME! VIV! THE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE. THE MATTERS THAT MATTER! – 23.17 VIV! Delightful chat… of course… to me, no matter what, it’s delightful.. it’s WONDERFUL! Skype… just signed off a bit ago. Poured more hot water into the mug from the peppermint tea. Washing 2 Tylenols down. I just had a muscle spasm on the right leg that felt as if a knife had been drawn down the entire length of my thigh! SO PAINFUL! It was difficult to keep from yelling. WOW! Between that and the massive chest pains when I came into the house from the bike-ride. I don’t know… but then… I don’t care either. – Next! been informed that Ms.L. and Jester have an MD appointment on Friday coming… I shall suppose that Ms.L. will accompany husband to work so as to have the car. If not… of course I will be expected to do so. And… of course, if so, I shall be stopping at the store for my provisions. New month here.. (hopefully the FS are still coming… I have to check). But the idea that they know now and I’ll be told (perhaps) late Thursday night or be rudely awakened on Friday morning. Oh well fuck. – Tomorrow’s forecast has changed… 8° by 14.00!!!! WOW! And NO SLEET as there was in previous forecasts. So I’m hoping for good sleep, early wake, get a wash done and get me OUT of here… a WALK across the border tomorrow… not for any particular reason… other than to walk across the border. Thursday, 4° and Friday, 7°… RICHFORD! Travel plans.. may they all come to be! – So now? Sip and sleep and so the first day of this month is closed. April… BFD.

Wed.2.Apr: 6.56 Tired. Very tired this morning. The house is “up” for some reason. I cant help but think: Odd… I’d mentioned that I wanted to make a wash this morning, to Jester, yesterday. And they’re both awake this morning. I can’t help but think. – Skies are a touch over-cast, but when I went down for my smoke, it’s not bitter cold. 6° n St-Armand and 7° according to NOAAA. The call is for mostly cloudy all day but the high expected to be 8°. A shame though, this is only temporary… -3 tomorrow morning again. Well… it is only April and there are ice storms to come, I’m sure. Enjoy it while we may. – I’m still pondering a walk HOME today. Why? I don’t know. Get out of the house? Just to do it? Maybe a bike ride to Richford? We shall see as the day moves along. The sun hasn’t quite risen just yet. There’s time to decide. – And I’m tired… and there’s time. – Rain and/or snow on the week-end. Alas… – 20.50 In bed, after a day of accomplishing… absolutely nothing. Truly… nothing. A trip to the PO where I was told of the 2 mistakes I made on Saturday and that there is to be a new application coming for closing-out which will mean a few more hours of work and pay. Something about the 1412… I wonder if they finally discovered my method from Cragsmoor. Arse holes. Anyway, the day turned clear and I could well have taken a walk to St-Armand but, I didn’t. I could have done something out-side, but I didn’t. Rather, I stayed in the room, all the day long, social media and bull-shit. I suppose I’ve made-up for yesterday. But I’d rather have had another “yesterday” than a today. – Jester did a shit-load of wash… I did none. I have much to do… and hopefully will get it all done on Friday… hopefully the 2 of them will go to the doctor and I’ll be able to get things done. Forecast for Friday is rain. OK. So… Saturday is the same, but Saturday night a chance of snow… ah… it’s still only April… the month when I used to have my “base tan” already. Life back in a Northern town. But it’s 23° in here right now! Imagine THAT! 23°! – Steeping my Nighty-Night tea. I’ll need it, no doubt. I had a late coffee. – And another day draws to a close. – No VIV tonight. She’s with Gaetan and Dan. Bless her. I hope she has a LOT of fun! – Me? Another day of moments of misery: jeans are wearing thin, no clothes, no car, no place to go and no way to get there. And SO SO SO much GONE GONE GONE! These are the moments when I wish I’d have taken the first lovely day and gone… HOME. One of these days… one of these days… (It will be interesting to see the “changes” in HOME after Monday’s election.) – But…. all told… Je m’en câlisse, moi. Je m’en câlisse.

Thu.3.Apr: 7.02 And yes, I slept through the 5.00 alarm this morning and woke just about 20 minutes ago. Don’t care, really. – Having my smoke, that sudden feeling of dull pain. And this morning’s first “thought”:
If there is a “Hell” after this existence, mine will be to die here, and not be able to get HOME. There is, amongst the Orthodoxy, the pharie tale that Hell is dying and having one’s soul hover over one’s bodily remains, watching the body rot, and mourning the connection with the remains, desiring to be re-connected, to live again. If that’s so, then my soul will be confined, here, just at the “border”, unable to cross, to go HOME, to be free. Unable to “soar, forever more, above you” (Galway Bay)… my HOME.
Before I even got out of the bed, the first thoughts of this morning were my last thoughts of last night: No clothes, no heater all Winter, no little hot-plate to warm food on, no boots, no sweaters, no jackets. Come the warmer weather, no jeans, no comfortable shoes, no cot to lie on, no blankets, comforters. No books, no art work. Nothing. Stupidity. Trust. Offered money and asked only for a phone call. Easier to write a cheque and be dismissed. Gene… I needed 140 and he tossed, literally tossed, one 20$ bill on the table and said “And you don’t owe me anything. And if there’s anything more I can do for you, just ask.” No, I don’t deserve Hell. I deserve to get out of here, away from all of this, to finally be at Peace. Mum said: After this, there is no Hell… THIS is Hell.. Indeed. I’ve gone through this existence almost as a monk, solitary, quiet, peaceable. If I’ve ever asked for anything it was for the basics: a bit of food, a it of meagre shelter, clothing appropriate to the seasons. What-ever I managed to acquire in the way of little pleasures, I sacrificed something other for. If I’ve asked for anything, it was “help”, not the entire package… just a bit of “help”. And? Even that was too much. No, I won’t get Hell after this. I’ll have one of only two options: Peace or simply nothing. And either of them, at this point, is acceptable and I look forward to either one. Peace would be nice… but nothingness would be just as well.
Thoughts in the morning, even before the day has begun. – The zip on the “VT” sweat-shirt is shot to hell, broken. I’ll simply zip it up, throw a few stitches along it and make the shirt a pull-over. I bought it when I first arrived here. It didn’t last 3 years. Imagine that. Cheap shit. Or.. a sign that it’s time to move along. Well? Perhaps Monday will bring a kinder government, or, perhaps this Spring will bring a way to actually get HOME. I can and will work toward that. (Too bad the little house across the line is no longer a louer. But maybe that’s not exactly the best place to be anyway. Even working in the PO here in town, it wouldn’t be convenient, with the border crossing hours. But there are other places… other ways. And I have to work… strive-as always-toward that.) – HOME. I WILL go HOME! – 16.06 AAAaaaannnnndddd… the back barn is cleaned up, there are several flats for seed starting ready. It was a good way to pass the time today. But it’s still quite chilly, cold, really. But the “work” has begun. And I’m waiting for my Ramen to soften (cook?). Hungry… quite. – Mentioned to L. about the flats being ready. He says he was thinking that he needs to get to some place in Colchester for seeds. I will believe when I see… and I’m not even thinking in terms of being here when the time comes. Don’t care, really. But it’s nice to prep… for the time-being. There are 2 bird houses and a feeder in the barn as well. They could be put up for the birds to use. Eventually, I guess, I’ll get to them as well. Not much “work” to them. Just hang. The feeder has a piece that I’m gluing even as I type. Will it be used for feeding? Don’t know… Don’t care. It’ll be repaired and ready to use. That’s all i care about now. – I need to get something for the little birds that come to the window these days. They’re the sign that Spring is actually here. And the poor little things could use something to eat. (I also have to check the balance on my FS!) – 17.37 I just have to add right now: I’ve had 2 Ramen noodles… the house smells of pizza… and I all but want to cry because… well… pizza! Hot pizza! These are the days. – 21.57 showered and in bed and just off the line with VIV! B. came in earlier to ask what I’m going to do about the rent this month. He needs to know for his budgeting and bill-paying. I do understand but for some reason it just struck me because of his comment last night about getting out to do the yard work and then having the chat about fixing the steps in the barn this evening… and the whole issue about the food and such. Then there’s the issue about me getting up in the morning so that I can bring the car back to the house so the other 2 can have it at the ready… and I bike about the place. I’ve have a mind… and maybe more, to bring the fucking car back to the house and if the weather permits, get on the bike and get the fuck out until they leave (when I will return to do my wash). Just makes me ill. As I said to Viv tonight: Next place.. NO PETS and NO POUFS! This shit is at the END! But… it served its purpose… It was a brutal Winter and as much as I froze for most of it, it’s NORTH and I’m happy about that and as I say… it’s served its purpose. Now? Time to GTAFO! Next accumulated pay: CAR! Then? A place or a tent, which-ever. – I need a smoke and then to sleep! – This day needs to end!

Fri.4.Apr: 5.09 I’d actually awakened an hour ago, laid here for what seemed like a few moments and the alarm sounded. Anyway, awake, with a head-ache! Feeling rather quite shitty, all told. Sinuses and such. Probably the barn dust from yesterday. Oh well… one of these days maybe I’ll get lucky and something in that barn will do me in. (Hopefully across the border on HOME soil.) It just wonderful to wake up in the morning, before the sun has even had a chance to start changing the colour of the sky… and be so pissed-off. The same sentiments that I went to sleep with, I wake with this morning. And of course this lap-top piece of shit has to contribute. Want out of this place.. NO PETS NO POUFS! And then there’s the car-service… as Viv pointed out… deductions in rent. And when I thought about RENT yesterday… 350/month for this room, 300/month for the one across the hall (if that can be believed) but across the hall uses the washer, uses the stove, eats, AND… AND… gets chauffeured… not just locally but to BURLINGTON! Well.. no sense in hashing it. Time to DO something to stop it. Much in life happens because we allow it to happen. Nancy… Cindy… Schmulick… even Liz…. and so… now… here… NO. TIME TO STOP THE BUS! – And on that thought, finish coffee, go have a smoke. There’s stuff to be gotten at the store and today? TODAY IT STOPS! Not sure how but the day is young… I mean… SHIT!!! AND BUGGER ME!!! I haven’t done ONE piece of art-work because of the dogs barking…. haven’t finished the afghan because it’s been too bloody cold for my hands and fingers… REALLY? NO! NO PETS NO POUFS NO MORE! – 8.34 Back in the cooler, the key is on the kitchen table… 5 jars of coffee, several tins of soup, 3 large containers of creamer… etc. I hit Hannaford’s on the way back. And the car sits… sits… un-used, in front of the house. Her Ladyship is sleeping, Jester sitting at bed’s edge. (I had to WAIT to take a shit this morning… Jester, peeing, loo door wide open, I had to WAIT to take a shit). AND… now… fucking barking! At NOTHING! This morning, on the car radio, the call-in talk was about dog-shit and how it “appears” as the snow melts. Dog-shit! Dogs barking!NO PETS NO POUFS! Fucking had more than my fill! 350$/month to freeze all fucking Winter, pee in plastic bottles, hide food… BUGGER-FUCK ME! EH? THE END. – I’m tired right now and have just put some hot cereal… in my coffee mug… with powdered “creamer”… BUGGER-FUCK ME! Nah… time to stop this shit! HALT it! Time… – I made it into the house, through the down-stairs, up the stairs and… woof… the fucking spaniel! Then just now the fucking Mexishit! GOT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS! Add… it’s a clear morning, rather cool but not bad, I could DO and GO and such but will WAIT until this after-noon to make my wash. WAIT! FOR WHAT? Bugger-fuck me. And the cereal? It should be “cooked” but I toss boiling water on it and WAIT for it to “soften”. Shit! – I’m tired… tired of this, and just tired. – 17.42 BREAD AND BUTTER. Laundry done! Bed made. Room Hoovered. I even stitched the “VT” hooded sweat-shirt. Had to… the bloody zip is busted beyond “repair”. So now, the zip shirt is a pull-over. Cheap shit. BUT… imagine this? I put up 2 birdhouses and the bird feeder today (whilst the sun shone… which it has appropriately stopped doing… considering this is still the month of April and for the North Country… still officially Winter). And THIS all after stopping a the market this morning! Yes, MARKET! (Holy shit! Just looked at the thermo in here: 23°!!!!!Enjoy it whilst it lasts… it’ll be back to 10° before long.) AND… a quick trip next door for the butter, bread, sugar AND 2 ICE CREAM thingies (called “Big Alaska” but same shit as a Klondike bar). ICE CREAM! ME! I HAD ICE CREAM AGAIN! It’s been… over a year now! haven’t had ice cream since Richford! WHAT A GRAND FUCK IS THAT? Yes, time to move along, GTAFO! as it were. – But, I’m rather satisfied with my personal accomplishments of this day. Could have been better (could have finished the afghan… could have finished a book… could have painted… but…). Oh, and trimmed the beard too, just before the shower. Now, I should file my nails, but I’m actually getting quite tired. Darjeeling is steeping at the moment. I had a tin of Chunky soup, a tin of peaches, a couple licorice twists. Now, bread and butter and tea. – Bloody room and the flies though. Time to GTFO. – The house is “empty”. It was about 11.30 or shortly after when I went to the kitchen, on route to the barn, Jester was standing there, dull. I asked after the MD appointments. His was at 13.15. Madame was still asleep! Me? I went to the barn and when I got back to the house… empty. I jumped into the washing and such. Showering and such. EATING and such. And sewing and such. And now? At 17.55, it’s me and the zoo and that’s all. Honestly… I thought today: I get up in the morning to make it so that the car is here… for THEM…. NOT ME! And there’s (here we go again with the “e” key not wanting to work, this fucking piece of shit!) never a mention about any place I’d like to go with it. Nah… just take it for granted that the skinny butt-shit-head will walk… EVERY-WHERE! It’s really quite abusive, all told. But my day is coming… soon. Not soon enough… but soon. – For now? I could probably use a nap. Maybe a quick smoke and a nap. I dread tonight… as I dread every Friday night now. I have to work on Saturday, but I don’t expect that to be respected. And I’ve no doubt that some kind of shit is going on with the 3, and there will be booze of some kind and… I wont put up with it. Police reports if need be. Rent? Police. Period. I’ve too much on the line now. – 18..05 The rain’s started… storm coming tonight. April… the North Country. – 19.55 Just up from a smoke, all are in the parlour,watching TV and such. I passed by the door-way, smiled and made light comment: “All made it to and from the gyno?… before the storm.” and the looks I got! BLACK! Well! I don’t know what the hell happened, but I suppose it’s all just typical. “Attitude”. Hey! The car went to B’s job and back with no side-trips. It was there, in front of the house all morning, on time, as it should have been. No extra gas was used, no extra mileage. I didn’t run the house into the ground in anybody’s absence. In fact, there is more for THEM to enjoy come the season. This room is MUCH MUCH cleaner and neater and more presentable than it was when I got here. To think: I had to CLEAN the place before I moved in… and I mean “C.L.E.A.N.” it! Well… that’s why I say: No pets, no poufs. And the world will continue to turn long after this “episode” is closed and all the players are long dead, buried, rotted away and forgotten. – I’m about ready to retire for the night. Will hope to see from Viv for a bit. A quick shower is in store in a while. Then… end the day. Tomorrow? Work. Greeting the lovely people of Franklin (they must be hiding some-where… because I’ve yet to see any of them). – Changed the pass-word to this. Didn’t really want to but feel I must. What a shame to feel such. – The wind is howling now. A light drizzle. Temperature in the room, now that the door is closed, is dropping. Down from 23 to 22° and will, no doubt, get colder. Ah… colder. 350/month and the room will be getting colder. How charming. BUGGER IT ALL!

Sat.5.Apr: 5.10 Annnd here we go again! And I’m tired. And I don’t look forward to dealing with the local town’s folk. But the road looks simply wet, no ice, no snow, so that’s OK then. Coffee’s at the ready. I didn’t get that shower last night. But that’s OK too because I’ll take one this morning. What I can’t get over is that by 21.30… the house was in darkness! They’d all gone to bed! SOMETHING’S UP for today… L’s sister, perhaps. The weather isn’t supposed to be conducive to travel today. But then again… All I know is that I get to go… GO… to work today. Out of the house and away! Not far, but out and away. And that’s OK by me. – 13.58 JUST GETTING INTO AND EMPTY HOUSE! Well, doesn’t that just figure. Eh? They can;t wait until I get out of the house to go for a jaunt. Well, it puts me in my “proper” place, no doubt. Not that I particularly mind… and, as I say it puts me in my “place” here in the house-hold. I don’t have the money to spend anyway, but still – So I have some time to eat… in peace. Peanut-butter sandwiches (2) and the left-over coffee from work. Not too bad. But it’s chilly in the house. – 15.10 Just noticed… the pellet stove is off… the hopper is empty. The thermo in the room reads 20° but there’s that constant chill in here (because the air comes in through the windows). I’d noticed, on Thursday (I believe it was) that there are about 5 bags of pellets left. So now I’m wondering: did they let the hopper run out, let the stove turn off because THEY wouldn’t be here? Did they go out so that they wouldn’t be uncomfortably cold in here? All said, this is typical: no consideration for or of me. AND TO THINK I TOOK MY FIRST 3 PAY-CHEQUES AND GAVE THEM TO THE HOUSE! DAMN! AM I STUPID!!! Truly. The more I think about me the more I am convinced of my own stupidity. Other people have no trouble telling me what they need to do for them. It’s always been that way. Me? I keep my mouth shut… obviously to the point where it’s detrimental to me. It’s the same as every day, when I think of the YEARS of things in storage that took me SO long to acquire, only to trust that qunt and let her lose it all. (I’m still convinced she took it all, sold it off. She needed the money, thanks to her good-for-nothing husband. Well… I’ll hope it went to Michael. I remember the issue with the “inheritance” and how I told her to put the money… “my” portion, into a trust fund for her kids and she and John pissed it all away. No sense, that one… No sense in the 3 of them. My life might not be perfect, but shit!) And then, of late, is the bitter, almost consuming anger and hatred (of self mostly) for trusting ANOTHER qunt! Yes indeed… me… the Grandest shit-stain in the world. But… we’ll see what’s to come. This morning I thought back over the years and how “timing” seems to be a thing in my life. When the “time” comes… that’s the end. Hopefully, it will be soon. – Time for a nap. My stomach is churning now and I just had a ballistic shit. Yup… time to GTAFO! There’s too much being internalised now and it’s becoming a “health hazard.” – 16.40 Just awake form a nap… of about 2 hours. I had no intention of sleeping that much. Not that I actually “slept”… more like “half-slept”. But… It’s snowing. The house is still empty, and the thermo reads 20° but there’s still the chill. Fuckers… the lot of them. That’s fine though. In today’s post I received my “Heat” help registration (I also received the 1099 from The City, for all the good that does. And looking at how much I earned and wondering where the fuck it all went… Transport to stay away from places, food, that sort of thing. Oh.. and there were a couple of things that were bought and put into storage to bring up here with me… OK. That’s bringing back the bitterness. moving along…) … I could certainly do a number with that right about now… and might just still yet. This one was addressed to Church St. but I can certainly change it to here… and then we’ll see about… heat. It’s one of those “playing cards” that could make things, well, easier and more difficult at the same time. Still, I think of Jester and his shit here. He still hasn’t gotten a PO Box. Fags. Or, as the term du jour has become… with Viv: POUFS. No time for this shit. – Météo says it’s 5° out there but tomorrow should be up to 7 and Monday, sunny and 13°! I have a cheque here for the mileage to E.Fairfield… into the CU or into my pocket. 47$. Maybe across the border for “real” smokes… some other “little” thing that gives ME a moment or two of enjoyment… not only the smoke, but the visit HOME as well. We’ll see… – 20.02 Still in the house alone. Took all 3 dogs out and they all peed… at about 19.30. I even got the Mexishit to pee! Hey! ACCOMPLISHMENT! – I DREAD what’s to come of this night. I’m getting tired… and of course… the whole issue of “peaceful” that I’d stressed from the beginning… no telling what’s to happen when they return. – On with VIV! just now… she was on at 18.20. Oh well… it was one of “those” days of keeping busy all the while… here we go into one of “those” nights… no doubt. – 20.23 They’ve returned… I took a quick break form chatting (text) with Viv and went down the back stairs to the porch for a smoke before they got into the house. And… BAGS AND PACKAGES AND SUCH! They even went to the Christmas Tree Shop and L. presented me with a bag of seed packets. Imagine THAT! Of course… I suppose I’m expected to do all the gardening. Funny, that. I’ll be expected to do the gardening… food… and I doubt I’ll be invited to partake. Well, my “goal” is to not even be here for the planting season. And if so, not to be here for the “farming” season. If the timing is such, I’ll start the seeds, maybe plant them… then turn the whole affair over… the plants will die, of course. But that’s not my concern. – But PLEASE let it be that I’m NOT here for the season! PLEASE! that I will be back in Richford, with a car and LOTS of work hours. PLEASE! – 23.43 SHOWERED! IN BED! Had a delightful text-chat with Viv this evening. I’d managed 2 Ramen noodles for dinner and a tin of apricots before coming to bed. But whilst on with Viv, found some music that I want to put on the iPod… probably not tonight. There’ll be time tomorrow. The weather is supposed to be chilly and cloudy so there’ll be time in the house and I want to measure that cheap shelving in the barn… maybe bring it into the room, seed the flats, put them into plastic bags and get them started. Viv said: something to have intelligent conversation with… the seedlings. Indeed, But I got a shower in whilst the rest were in the parlour, watching TV. And then a chat with L. about the planting season. Memorial Day. OH! The timing! I’ll have to check the germination time on the seeds and plant accordingly. But as I told Viv… it keeps me occupied (and distracted from the reality). – Peppermint tea… gone a bit on the chilly side but warm. And I always hope that the peppermint oil helps the stomach. But it’s a delight to get into a clean bed, clean me, clean jammies. And no “dead-line” for waking tomorrow. The alarm is set for 7.30 We shall see how it is in the morning. Right now it’s a bit on the chilly side and the wind is blowing rather strongly out there. But the room is comfy. The heating pad is set on 3 of 5 to keep the feet from cramping. So it should be a delightful night. And the rest of the house is in bed. – Oh! When I went for the shower… I came out thinking that I had all my clothes but I was in the room and a knock. B. standing there with my under-shorts! Well! OK! So now I’ve been seen naked AND my under-shorts too! This is becoming rather annoying (to me only, I should think). But at least the unders were clean! Whew! Rather funny, the whole thing. Thankfully, I doubt… seriously… that I’m any-were NEAR his “type” else, by this point, *I’d* be the “issue”. (Time to move along… in more ways than one.) – So… a quick post of this to the on-line Journal and lights out for the night. Time to close this day down! So much I should have done, so much I could have done… I didn’t… I don’t care.(But WOW! Is the wind ever blowing! Amazing this room isn’t chilled through. May the window stay cool enough to keep the butter… until I’m done with it.) – 1° with a chill of -4. Winds at 19kh and gusts 36kmh. Sounds much worse though.

Sun.6.Apr: 17.09 OK, so the day began at 7.30 and B. and R. were awake already at that hour. Jolly. B. gave me a rather cold greeting and I went for my smoke. The morning was chilly, but full of promise for warmer to come. I came back up to the room to catch up with… who knows, really. But I spent the morning in the bed, on-line and such. – Noon… and up and out! To the barn! 4 flats, each with 48 little compartments for seeds are now full of peat and stacked in the back of the barn, covered in snow that’s melting right along. (Me? FILTHY! Laundry in the morning tomorrow… before heading off on the bike.) –I took Dixie with me out to the back barn! SHE’S AMAZING! I mean, indeed, I DO SO love her! We went down to the brook together. I kept her on the lead but we RAN across the snow and to the brook where the was SO amazed with everything! It was SUCH A JOY! I REALLY HAVE TO TAKE HER BACK THERE MORE OFTEN… SHE’S JUST SO SWEET! The brook is flowing… FULL! At the North end of the property, it’s a veritable flood-plain. But it’s nice to see all the water rushing about. I wish I could afford a pair of mud boots to go in an clear the bottom so more fish and such could be in there during the Summer. (Not that I’m thinking of being here then.) And Dixie? She was ALL over the place! It did my heart so much good… And she does love me too… But I did learn today that not only are the SBboots a whole size too small… they’re not water-proof! But I couldn’t wear the TonyG boots because… well…there’s more glue to be dried… I’ve run out of the large bottle already! This is stupid! But it’s cost me only about 7 to “fix” them, as opposed to 35 for new. So… no whining. – When I brought Dixie back to the house (so she could warm up from the romping in the snow…) I didn’t want to come into the house just yet, so I grabbed a shovel and spread some of the snow from the piles in the back yard… help them melt. Broke some of the ice in the yard as well. Took a bit of a break after that and, listening to the music on the iPod, had a bit of a “dance” in the back barn today. Ah… must entertain me… and distract me from the realities of this place. – My left arm and shoulder are SORE! I don’t know what I did to them but the pain is that almost numbing pain that spreads all the way down. VERY uncomfortable and painful. But I have no time to give to it. – So… when I got into the house, the “fish” was on the platter, ready to go into the oven. I came up to the room and popped open a tin of “Creamy Chicken and Dumplings” soup, followed by 4 slices of bread with butter. Calories. And I note: I’m no longer even asked if I’m hungry… the point is made, done and settled. – So, all said, it turned into a delightful day. I’m ever do tired now… but in that “good” way… from having accomplished something. I was going to “fix” the bird-feeder on the pole.. but then thought “Nah… it’s fine as is. Probably won’t get used anyway.” Considered bringing that pvc shelving into the room from the barn but decided “Nah… je m’en câlisse anyway.” So, the shovelling and such was enough for the day. 192 little seed-starters almost at the ready now. No rush… for something that will either die or I won’t partake in. Fukkit! Fukkem! Fukall. – Oddly, today, for some reason, I’m missing Montréal… terribly. Must be the change in the weather and the desire to go… HOME. Tomorrow is the election. I wonder… – 21.46 In bed… showered. Had a text chat with VIV this evening so the day is complete and I’m happy with it, indeed. It got to be 21.00 and I hadn’t showered yet, so we rang off and as I went down for the last smoke of the day… the house was (is) in darkness. I smoked, came back up to the room and was about to sleep on the rocker, because I wouldn’t get into bed with all the peat dust on me when it occurred to me: Jester gets up, wanders about the house, plays with the phone at all hours (bling-blingda-blingie-bling in the middle of the night)… fuck that shit! So I gathered me and went for a shower. Fukall anyway. The seed-starters won’t do me any good. The plants and food won’t do me any good. It’s time I’m spending, keeping me busy and distracted. But chances are: if I’m not here to plant the seedlings, they’ll die… and if I am here to plant them… they’ll die in the garden. And if they do survive, I won’t be participating in the consuming of the food anyway… whether I’m here (FORBID!) or not. So I enjoyed the fact that I worked to earn the shower tonight. And it’s a good thing I did… because this afternoon I was blowing dark brown out of my nose from all the peat dust! It’s gone now… probably all in my lungs. Oh well… – Depending on how I feel… I’ve take 2 Naprosyn for my left arm… PAINFUL! … in the morning, I might make a wash before leaving on the bike. I should go into town… to the CU for the cash and Hannaford’s for PopTarts and some tinned fruits or something of the sort. Weather is supposed to be wonderful, followed by rain and a bit more snow. So… So… – 22.11 and caught up with today’s notes. Time to post and get to sleep. I’ve been blowing my nose (as usual after a shower)… black stuff… It’s up in the sinuses… of course.

Mon.7.Apr: When a text message come in at 6.58, and somebody is just pulling into the parking lot at work at that hour… it means that there will be another “event” and more screaming of “Stay away from my husband!” – It’s a tough Monday morning because I’ve over-slept, have no interest in doing the wash, no interest in going into St.Albans and no interest in just about anything this morning. I woke with the 5.00 alarm and dozed until 6.45. Fuck. The day… begins the wrong way. But the sun is shining and I should he happy about that. Period. – 17.03 Just having my uncooked franks… after taking the “Autumn decorations” down from in front of the house, and spreading the snow and chopping the ice, which came immediately when I arrived at the house from the bike trip into St.Albans, which I did after stopping at the PO and hearing of the error I made on Saturday with the Reg. (3rd week in a row…) which I did after having Jester ask me to get a rake from the barn so the dog shit in the back yard can be raked up because there’s so much of it that the dogs are walking in it and bringing it into the house. OK. So what? BFD. I don’t have a dog so YOU figure how to clean it up… I have other things to do. And… by 11.15… I was Gone, Gone, Gone. – I shouldn’t have stopped at the PO, but I suppose it’s better to know that I screwed up again. I can’t imagine why though. I used to have the procedure for the deposit down! I wonder what’s wrong with me. Aside from the fact that I’m generally not happy… in this town… in this house. I don’t know. Pre-occupation. I’ll leave it all at that. Meanwhile, tomorrow evening I have to do that 2,5-hour training. Hey! I get paid…I get out of the house. – As for the bike ride, it was really a delight! The weather was almost perfect! No sun, but not cold! NOT COLD! I headed out the door round about 11.15. As I got to the kitchen, Jester says “When you get to the barn again, bring me a rake. I want to get the dog shit off of the back yard because there’s so much of it now that the dogs are walking in it.” Right. Not my dogs. Not my shit. Not my trouble. I cleaned the barn out and did the yard work all last season… with-out troubling anybody for anything. Good luck to you with your responsibilities. Bad enough I have to make sure that the poor things get the opportunities to piss and shit when they need to. Not my responsibilities any longer. And with that, I got the bike and headed to the PO… Why? I don’t know but… – At the PO, got told about yet another mistake made on the “Reg”. Why!? I uesed to be able to do them with-out any trouble at all! But this is the 3rd in a row! I’m concerned about that now. Not so much because it threatens the job, but more because it seems I’m losing my “brain”. There is, of course, the matter that I’m displeased with situations at present. I need a car, I need a place to go to. I need to get out. I need more work… I need a car. Maybe that’s taking a toll. I don’t know, but I don’t like that it’s affecting work. But Aline was sweet about it. And… when I told her that I was off to St. Albans, she offered a lift! Ah… I told her I wanted to get on the bike.. and I did! So, by about 11.45 I was on the road… music on and taking my time. – Took the Hanna Rd. down to the river and out that way. Down-hill for quite a while of it and at the end, in Highgate, the Missisiquoi! I miss that river…. in Richford! For a while, the road travels along it and I got to see the ice-jams! Impressive stuff, those. But it was really beautiful. The only draw-back? COW-SHIT! ALREADY! STENCH! I keep thinking that this can’t be good to breathe in for so many months. And to think… the ground isn’t thawed yet and already the stench! Horrible stuff. It wasn’t necessary in years gone by. What makes them believe it is now? Well… At the end of the Machia Rd. I hit the 105 for a bit and then decided to try the Viens Rd… to see how long it would take to get to the Busey Rd. A very nice ride, indeed! (And, as I see on the map, it cut a km or more out of the distance!) I came out on the Bushey Rd. in no time with little exhaustion. Then, onto the Bushey Rd and as I was approaching “Tractor Supply” (I should have brought the jeans from last August… to see if I can’t exchange them… since I will NEVER be a size “34” waist! Imagine that!) I look up and there… coming toward me is B.! He waved, I waved and we both continued on our separate ways. Imagine that… Now I get on the bike in Franklin county and I’m “seen” on the roads. Today, I had to smile about it. Go figure… as it’s said. At this point, I was just about at the end of the travel… under the over-pass and across the 7. – It would have been ever so convenient to simply cross the road and get to the CU, but anywhere there isn’t pavement is MUD!!! And, there’s a bit of a side-walk along the road, but THAT was blocked by plowed snow and ice! Morons! So I tried to cut across the “lawn” and sunk into the MUD! AND… I learnt that my sneakers are NOT water-proof! So… wet feet. How wonderful! – Well… got into the CU, did my little biz, took most of my travel cheque as cash and put the rest in the account (not nearly enough to cover “expenses” but I don’t care right now… I just don’t care.) – Out of the CU and to Hannaford’s, mostly because I was there already. Needed something to eat and drink for the trip back. This time the trip took the energy out of me. So in Hannaford’s it was a box of PopTarts, a bag of crisps (which I ate as I biked back), a Powerade to drink and a package of beef franks for when I got back… HUNGER! and I was back on the bike and back on the road and back along the same route… taking my time. (When I looked at the clock, it was 14.15! It took a while to get there.. but… today… ) No rushing today. It was a delight to be out of the house, in the air… in the peace… listening to my music… relaxing… taking my time. Fuck it all. – The ride back was just as nice as the ride to. There seems to be an equal amount of hills in either direction. – THEN!!! As I crossed the bridge in Highgate… the car! THIS time with ALL THREE in it! And of course… all the waving! Off on another merry little jaunt. I simply gestured as if to say “What is this? Passing me all over… even on the back roads?” and I simply dismissed the situation and continued. – The travel back was a delight too. And I noticed that, on the Hanna Rd, not far from the house, is a house that has a BEAUTIFUL AND RATHERIMPRESSIVE water-fall right behind it! Ah… this is why biking is so much better than driving… the things seen on a bike… especially when taking the time available. – OK. So it wasn’t long and I was back at the house… empty house! YAY! BUT… as I got off the bike and before coming into the house, I went after the “Autumn decorations” in front that are looking quite sad. Managed to get the wreath down, one “stalk” up out of the ground and the other “stalk” snapped at ground level. (Later, when I mentioned it to B. and L., L. was quick to say “You’ll just have to dig it out when the ground thaws.” I WILL HAVE TO DIG IT OUT! FUCK YOU! How about THAT?) Work… and in a house where there are 4… FOUR… “males”… only ONE does the “work” and one does it and … whines. The other 2? “Ladies”… and I don’t mean that in any manner of compliments. – OK. So I put the straw-things in the back of the back barn and came in to let the dogs out to pee… and they DID! And then I took ME into the shower! I also need to wash the clothes I wore today. – It feels good though… having done the travel, having seen the sights and all. It was a delightful day… AND I DIDN’T ASK FOR NOR RECEIVE ANY FAVOURS!!! Makes it all the more wonderful! – 19.47 Napped for about 5mins. They got back to the house just as I’d laid down for my nap! The fucking dogs barked and then B. knocked at the door. For what? I don’t know and I really don’t give a shit. I feigned sleep and he went away. – Ah… but when I woke, I went down for a smoke and passing the living-room, made light of seeing them on their jaunt. Come to find out. B. had to go to the Dr…. seems he has a “hernia”. Y’think? Umbilical area… Y’think? Carrying all that weight… hmmm…. Dr. told him not to eat too much (hahahahh) and that the only way to repair it is surgery… TIME FOR ME TO GET THE ACTUAL FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I GET RECRUITED INTO THE HOME-CARE SHIT! Because… I DON’T CARE! – So I listened to the saga, wondered why THREE of them had to got to the Dr. but I know… the girls need to get out of the house… and so, I went to my smoke… I’d already had franks when I got back in… (I was still hungry though) and I’d showered…. so coffee and Viv and to check on the elections back HOME. I was in for the night at this point. They’d probably already been out to pasture. And there’s nothing I want to discuss with any of them anyway… not any more. Shameful… actually. But je m’en câlisse.-
23.44 THE PQ IS OUT! GONE! FINISHED! DONE! GOOD BYE! LEAVE! CAPUT! GET THE ACTUAL FUCK OUT! I was watching the election results whilst Skype with VIV! I wish I could trust Couillard to bring things back to “normal” and the way they were… along with the prosperity that once was the Montréal that helped me, saved me, brought me HAPPINESS and JOY and PEACE! But, it would seem I’m older now and not so trusting. And I wish that I could feel certain that Marois will simply disappear, be tried for her crimes, pay her dues and go. But again… “old”. Still.. it’s a reassuring feeling tonight… MAYBE this is the beginning of the return to… “la Belle Province” and the end of all the bull-shit. I can only hope. At least I can cherish the flag of my “HOME” again, wtih-out feeling ill-at-ease. – VIV was tired tonight. Poor kid! Really! I don’t know all the particulars of what she’s been through over the years, but it’s obvious that there was much “no good”. I don’t know how she (as with that stupid bitch CM) allows the negativity to hit her so hard and long. She doesn’t deserve it, wasn’t like that when we first met. But, people respond to that shit at their own… Let’s face it: it took me MANY YEARS to finally get over the shit I was fed as a child… and even today, so much of it remains. The best I can do now is to be here to support the person who is… no doubts at all.. THE MOST IMPORTANT BEING IN MY EXISTENCE.

Tue.8.Apr: 11.21 Very difficult morning, this. Out of breath. Stomach keeps churning. Difficult to wake up. Even my eyes just want to close again. Fatigue. I don’t understand it all. It’s comfortably warm. Over-cast with bits of sun-shine. Too wet to take to the roads. Too wet to take to the yard as well. And, considering I don’t have foot-wear that’s water-proof anymore… But it’s the general fatigue that’s getting to me. Nothing of great import on the agenda today. But I don’t want to be locked in this room all day. – It should be a delightful day. The elections back HOME are over and the results are wonderful! Hope. There’s that again. A grand feeling of being able to go back with-out the consideration of bull-shit breaking out all over the place. I look forward to popping back and forth now. And yes, it brings a state of metal rest. But I’m so tired. I wonder… I just wonder. The most concern is this lack of oxygen… or so it seems. Breathing is fine, but it doesn’t seem to bring in enough oxygen to keep the body moving. I was up at 7.00, until about 9.30. Set the alarm for a nap until 10.00 because of the fatigue and didn’t get up until almost 11.00. This is not “correct”. Well.. we’ll see what the rest of the day brings. At about 16.15 I’ll be heading to the PO. There’s studying to be done… and in the mean-while, I have to get my “taxes” done… I need to print the forms (fucking governments and their refusal to supply the necessary paper-work these days. Times are difficult and troublesome. Makes me sick…er.) – 11.36 Just a note here as I catch-up with yesterday’s events… FUCKING DOGS!!!! FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING DOGS!!!! This morning I keep thinking of how I could have… SHOULD have a shit-load of painting and writing and such done… considering the cold and Winter and such. But NO! NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL! And for the most part… the fucking fucking fucking DOGS! and that NOBODY does SHIT to rectify the fucking fucking FUCKIING situation! In the midst of silence and stillness, somebody legitimately parks in front of the house, going to the market usually, or people pass in front of the house, as they are free to do and….. BARK YIP HOWL BARK SHIT SHIT SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! I SO NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLACE!!! THIS HAS BEEN SHIT ALL ALONG AND NOBODY DOES A GOD-DAMNED THING TO STOP IT! I do what I can, when I have the house alone. But then come the fucking bull-shitters who do jack-shit fuck-all to stop this nonsense! So what-ever I accomplish, they un-do! Fucking useless… the fucking LOT!!! I just can’t take much more of this before I just lose it! I should have had SOMETHING done, something created that might generate much-needed income… I have NOTHING! AND I’M PISSED TO NO END! FUCKING TWIT-BASTARDS! FUCK THEM! REALLY! Come to me and ask about RENT? No heat all Winter. No consideration for the “quiet” that I stated that’s important to me. No fucking consideration for anything but shopping sprees in Burlington. AND… as I think on it… I’M putting money into their budget so they can take that trash-can on adventures into Burlington? NOT! The shit is about to hit the fan… and it’s about to smell worse than the fucking cow-shit in the corn fields. – 12.27 JUST getting out of the bed… JUST putting on clothes. And STILL feeling like shit! BUT… just remembered… tomorrow is trash day so I toss that out. And Thursday, if memory and appointments serve… I’ll have to take B. into work… I just might head across the border for my smokes.. and a quick drop-by at the Magazin Générale! (I can only hope.) – 15.44 Stomach is still out of sorts. Feeling cold in spite of the 21° in the room. Raining. Had 3 cold franks and 2 PopTarts. Am trying a tea now. And in a bit, will go over to the PO for a while. – L. and Jester Hoovered! Apparently there will be “guests” at the house. Somebody from Plattsburgh on Friday and L.’s sister on Saturday (and thankfully I have to work… and hopefully will be able to take the bike out for a trip to… some-where). How charming… to be thinking of the necessity to leave the house… how charming. – Just sent an e-mail off to Mia… 26 on the 26th March. Imagine! What a magnificent human being she is. (Gotta trot to the loo!) – THAT was a bit of an emergency trip! Seems things are getting to me again… Is it any wonder, really? – Well, to make short of it, I worked this evening 16.30-19.30, got most of the “modules” or “nodes” or what-ever the fuck they call the shit done. more to go! Honestly! The PO is trying its best to get us to quit! They keep piling up the work (closing on-line now using all sorts of shit input! This lap-top is becoming even more a pain in the arse! Something’s wrong!) – OK… picking up where I left off: At work today, I got my tax forms printed! OK! So here we go… another year another period of being pissed off. But, I’ll file and let what comes, come. Fuck it all. I’m soon 59. Soon dead. They’ll have to come take the extra balance out of my rotting carcass. – Today, L. and Jester Hoovered and B.andL. finally cleaned the ferret cage! It STUNK! But those poor little creatures being kept in that dark room… now there’s never any light in there with those horrid red velvet drapes up! Honestly? I’m seeing more and more just how selfish these shits are! The THREE of them! Disgusting. Self-centred and just generally inconsiderate. Just disgusting… a bit depressing too, but I’m trying to fight that off. – This evening, B. actually ASKED me if I’d be available on Thursday! Imagine THAT! Advance notice! (No. I do NOT want to HAVE to get up to bring him to work so I can bring THEM the bloody car. BUT yes, I will use the opportunity. I need to get a bit more tinned goods and such at the market and it’s easier in the car. So? Yup… no trouble… and what will you do when I’m no longer here? May that moment be SOON!) – Well, 24.39 and just getting to lights out. MUST get the garbage out of here tomorrow (later?)! 2 bags of refuse and a bag of cans for recycle! MUST GO! and I MUST get some sleep!

Wed.9.Apr: TAXES DONE. BFD – 19.52 No internet… oh well… – 23.12 Got the internet back and VIV!!!! YAY! – As for the day? It was a day. Didn’t do much with the morning. In the afternoon, went out back, moved a HUGE limb from back by the wood pile, cleaned a bit in the back barn, got water from the brook for the plants.. WATER from the BROOK! The plants will be happy. – Then, this evening, 1,5hrs at the PO where I re-did the “Count Sheet” and then finished the modules for study. Stayed a bit later to deliver 2 cases of ducklings. Hey, the guy appreciated it and he even said that he dreaded not getting them right away because they tend to die in the PO over-night. Poor little things… But the thing is: he’s raising them for… food! Life… how cruel. But then again, everything has to eat something so something has to die. It’s the way Creation is. Fucked up beyond belief! How happy I am to be getting older and closer to death and out of this chain. – Am now corresponding with Charles B. and Fran H. on FB! Two more from the NYC8539266 Twtr days! THREE people now! AnnMarie too! How odd to SEE them! How WONERFUL to be in touch with them! BitterSweet… indeed. But a delight. – Finished the tax forms this evening and did one of those “folded” envelopes things with blank sheets of paper. I have no envelopes. – I have no water-proof shoes either. Should have been getting 153 in taxes back. But we know how that goes. Must support the illegals in the country. They’re more important. And all on a total income for last year of just about 7000! I often wonder how I’ve managed to make it through the year on the income I don’t receive. I’m pretty amazing! Even if I say so myself. – I told Viv about it. And then, on FB and Twtr I posted a note to the illegals, informing them that I’ve paid their expenses… “You’re welcome.” I wonder if that’ll bring any flack. Not that I give a shit anymore. I don’t care because I truly can’t care any more. I’ve nothing… nothing at all. Let them come after me. And I’ve no doubt they will. – So I understand that Friday will be “company” in the house and that B.&L. are AGAIN trying to “match make”! Fucktardz. Truly. I can’t wait to get out of here and away from this bull-shit. And then, on Saturday, Penny comes for the week-end. This afternoon, L. and Jester Hoovered… but only a bit. L. says, after one pass over the floors… he ran out of steam. Honestly? Neither of them will “do” anything and yet, when they do so precious little, they “run out of steam”. Me? I refuse to touch their work. Not my house, not my responsibility. Besides, I do the out-side WORK! THEN, in a few hours from now (23.27) I have to be awake to take B. to work to bring the car back so that the other 2 can go to the doctor’s and shop! Well… if they’re to have 2 guests at the house on Friday, the table seats only 6, tightly. There will be 5 of them. No doubt there’ll be no “invite” to participate. Thankfully, on that point. But when Penny gets here… that should be interesting. “Interesting”… there’s a word for it. Hopefully the weather will be good enough to make a great day-trip on the bike so I won’t have to be here… for long. I have to work on Saturday morning. I might just bring the bike with me and take off from the PO. Depends on the weather. Meanwhile, right now, it’s COLD… out and in. – Time to get to sleep… – I had a nice bowl of Maltex and 2 cold franks before work. Then a tin of soup when I got back. A few PopTarts. Hoping to get more food tomorrow morning and take the car via St-Armand for smokes. Gotta pee but need to sleep. Pee can wait til morning. Dixie and I just went for a smoke. – This day is wrapped!

Thu.10.Apr: 5.30 and nothing short of a miracle that I’m awake because I didn’t hear the alarm! And… considering that I was still awake at 23.30… and later… because it was difficult falling asleep last night… Yup… miracle. – 6.01 Dressed and need to take a shit and am SO NOT in the mood for this driving this morning. Just SO NOT into it. – 8.05 Back at the house. Back in the bed. Back in jammies. Not feeling at all very well. Hit a bird on the Bushey Rd! I as going to take the Viens Rd. and didn’t. A bird came out of no-where and SLAMMED into the car, passenger’s side! THWACK! I’m sick over it. Sick. – Stopped only at Hannaford’s for many canned soups, sugar, PopTarts, fruits. Done. Haven’t been in a good mood all morning. The bird didn’t help. – Didn’t go for smokes. Will nap now, bike in a while. Bloody fuck me. – L. is in the parlour. Jester is asleep. Bugger-all anyway. – Time for a nap. Let he air warm a bit. It’s chilly this morning. I’m hungry.. but want to nap instead. – 21.35 In bed. Showered. Night tea done. Clothes and coffee and food ready for tomorrow… and in the “Media Room” and argument ensues. At 21.35. Charming. These are going to be 2 rather tough days at work… I can see than coming. – Well, meanwhile, the day was rescued. I got a good nap in before leaving on the bike at noon. The weather was strange. There was warmth to the sun but the wind… the WIND! It slowed me down so much that I had to pedal DOWN-hill into St-Armand! But, as usual, I enjoyed the ride and the being away. And of course, seeing Jo and André today. (There’s something wrong with this lap-top. It’s responding ever so slowly of late.) Had a really great chat at the Magazin General… as it were. Got 3 packs of smokes and was back on the road, enjoying the music and the temperatures and even the ride, in spite of the beating from the wind. When I got to US customs, it was incredible! The wind just whips at the top of that little hill. But then, there’s so much open space around… flattened by farms and such. For a State that’s so into “wilderness” and such, this State is miserable with all the clearing that’s been done over the years for the sake of farming. The longer I’m here, the less I like it… land-wise. But both crossings were quick today. Douanes just swiped the passport and I was off. And US did the same. I wonder if all that Diane Olsen shit is finally gone! That would be nice (so I won’t count on it). – Got back to an empty house. Went to the market next door for bread, crisps and soda and came in to eat: 5 FIVE franks… cold, of course, god forbid I should HEAT anything! And then got right into making a wash! YAY! Clean clothes! At last! Got that done, tried to “fix” the situation with the drawer at work and “they” returned.. and the barking and yowling and howling and such. Annoying as all shit! I closed the door and put the iPod on… and continued with what I was doing until I went down for a smoke. Yes, indeed, they’d done more shopping. But fukkit. I don’t care any more. I’m still a bit steamed knowing that I could have gotten a tax credit or money from the State by claiming the “Renters’ Reimbursement”. But I can always wait for a time when it’s appropriate and try then. Meanwhile, it’s a little something I hold on to. If I claim the reimbursement, the “landlords” will have to amend their tax forms and admit to receiving rental income. A shame, really, but ever since that blow-up with the “You owe us…”, I have NO trust at all in either of them. As for Jester? That’s just a plain waste no matter how you toss it. – But the clothes are clean and I’m ready for lights out. – No VIV tonight. I hope she’s actually getting the rest she needs. Not corresponding with her leaves a bit of a void in a day now. But in my heart, I hope it’s because she IS getting her sleep. – On that note, it’s 21.50, time to post this stuff and get some sleep. Tomorrow will be a fascinating day… I’m sure. I’m a bit nervous about running the office alone. But I’m sure I can cover and accomplish all that is needed. Besides, I have a “break” in the day and a tin of Progresso soup, a tin of mandarin oranges, PopTarts and a bottle of coffee all at the ready. There are some studies to be done on the computer at work so I’ll get paid for the time I do that. Good. I need the cash. It would be nice if it would pay a car! But those days are soon to come… may I have the patience and fortitude to last until then. – Seems the argument has closed. I will hope. So much for the “quiet gentleman seeking quiet housing”. What bull-shit this has turned into. What a shame… too bad. Oh well… I’m still close enough to HOME. –

Fri.11.Apr: 5.56 Just about an hour to go and the day will commence. I’m a bit nervous about running this office solo today, but it’s good to get into it. To think I’ve done this for so long, Walker Valley, Cragsmoor, Thompson Ridge… and today, I’m a bit nervous. Silly me… really. I know that when it’s all done, it will be fine. Anticipatory Anxiety. – I happened to be cleaning the desktop, as it were, here on the lap-top and found the text for the “55” sketches. There is so much HATE inside me! They’re gone! And I just have such BITTERNESS inside me. It’s projected and internalised. I HATE that others dismissed the work. I HATE ME for being so stupid as to trust. HATE. What a delightful way to begin a day. – Today… today… the “house-guests”. I dread this evening. DREAD. In a house of 3 grown… not-quite-adults. Men who behave more like little high-school girls. I dread this. But I’l have sanctuary all day… at work. –
18.18 There’s nothing like not being able to come in at the end of a full day of work and NOT being able to lie down for a while. – But the day at work was WONDERFUL! Clock-work. Rolled right along! AND I got my THREE on-line courses done! But the strangest part was the rolls of stamps. I had only one left int he drawer and just last night before getting to sleep I wondered: What will I do if more than one person wants a roll? OK, I thought, books… make up the 100 stamps. And I went to sleep. WELL SURE AS SHIT!!! ONE ROLL AND 200 MORE SOLD TODAY! YUP! I RAN OUT OF THE ROLLS AND HAD TO SELL THEBOOKS AND ALL BUT RAN OUT OF THEM AS WELL!!!!! This premonitory bit is beginning to bother me a bit. The stamps… tonight’s little visit and the gut feeling that I MUST get the fuck out of this house. SOMETHING is going on… Still, the day truly went ever, ever so well. I enjoyed it too.. being a work, being back in a PO, being out of and away from the house. It was a delight! – I got in at about 17.00 or so, front door open so I used it instead of my usual back-door entrance/exit. The dogs were thrilled to see me and I got a 3-dog welcome! But I had some paper-work that I wanted to get to so I came right up to the room. Moments later… this evening’s “Guest” arrived. (Comment: nice looking, attractive man. Could use to lose a pound or 2, but not more. Pleasant…. Yes, we HAD to be introduced when…) I rinsed by mug, got a bottle of water for tomorrow’s coffee, washed my hands and came into the room to work. Knock-knock at the door. I wasn’t pleasant about saying “Yeah…” and of course, it was taken for granted that entrance was granted and the door opens. (I was SO hungry and was waiting for this very thing to happen. I knew, just like this morning and the stamps, the premonition, that there was going to be a bee-line to the door… to show the room. Hey! Maybe they’ve found their next tenant? Great!) But I was so hungry and of course, had to wait to eat! Me… food… not. Well… mad nicey-nice and when they left I had my 3 franks (I ate the other 2 as I chatted with VIV this evening. She was having pizza and I got hungry again!) – At one point I went down-stairs for a smoke and B. called me to the front to see the 3 boards that he has in the car. Said that he’d only needed 1, got 4 and that if I wanted to put a shelf up in “your room” I could take one of the boards. Nice and laminated, but (a) not “my” room, (b) I don’t need a shelf and (c) not looking at a “longer-term” to use a shelf. Then he told me that he’d shown the “guest” the art-work and told of how and where I’d lived and such and that apparently, he and I have a commonality with having travelled and such. Well. I thought, you didn’t get your “Dan” over here this evening so you’ll try THIS? Me? Not. I’m in no mood… at all. And he may be quite the nicest person (aside from the fact that he puts entirely TOO much of his personal business on the FB page! about where he is, where he’ll be, the trials of his past relationship and making his “availability” known… on FB…) O HELL NO! – SO… this all said and done… got on the Skype with VIV this evening and had a BLAST! How we laughed tonight! The only bad thing… as it were is when we finally rang off… I have to work on Saturday but… you know what? It’s just a wonder and a wonderful thing to have her back in my life… There is no “bad” about ti. All and only “BEST!” But as the Skype said: [00:31:56] *** Appel terminé, durée 4:23:26 ***

Sat.12.Apr: 5.25 Woke at some point of the night in a miserable sweat!!! … the pillow is SOAKING WET! this morning. But there’s not time… Must get to the office. Saturday! And need to figure a way to get away and stay away from the house today. Penny and Bruce coming and well, not that I don’t like them, but I don’t want to be dragged into any sort of drama or affairs and shit. And I don’t want to be in a position where-by dinner will be involved. Oh well… coffee, shower, dress and OUT… WAY WE GO!!! – 21.43 Well this was n interestingly horrible day. And I’m just having a NightyNight tea, just returning from a smoke and a chat with L. in the kitchen. I just woke up about an hour ago. I’d come in from work to greet Penny in the kitchen, cutting L’s hair there. We chatted a few moments and I was quite a bit tired, looking forward to a nap. But as I came to the stairs to come up, Penny took Dixie and Ellie out for a walk and announced that “You 4 guys are going for a ride in the car to see how you all fit.” I said that I needed to take a nap and the LOOK Igot from Jester was, well, as if to say “What the fuck? A NAP? How DARE you!?” At that point I just came up the stairs and went through my paper-work. I hadn’t left the office until 14.00 today, getting through the close-out (with a little helping delay from Kathleen, I believe her name is, from the library when she came in… AT 11.00… to pick up and deliver. The shit! Really! THEN I made an error in re-newing a PO Box because of cryptic sorts of PostIts from Aline about the amount due and charge the guy (from HOME) 21$ less! I have to eat that loss until he comes in and makes good on it! Fuck! Not that I’m not already 30 short. Now I’m OVER the 50 “Tolerance”! and hoping for no drawer count until I can get to the ban que to get the cash and put it in there. bad enough I’ll have to put the 30-plus in and I don’t have it! SHIT! Things are just NOT going well. Just not. – OK. But the day itself at work went REALLY WELL! Aline came in to mail a couple of things (and help me with my cash in the drawer… she’s wonderful. Such a wonderful “boss”, truly). The mail was done on time and I got more stock I even figured the paper-work for closing… with-out trouble. Yes, it was a good day, all told. And the office is perfect set for Monday morning. I counted the drawer today too! Nice. Very nice. But I was a bit on the “burnt” side, having not gotten enough sleep last night. But it went right along… smoothly. – When I finally got up-stairs, and got my paper-work done, VIV was on the Skype and I’m afraid I went a bit over-board with the honesty there. I’m just going to put the conversation in here. It serves to journal better:
[12:18:44] Viv Lortie: (wave)
[12:18:54] Viv Lortie: Hallooooooooooooooooooo
[12:22:54] Viv Lortie: Are you back from work yet?? Or perhaps you got back, avoided going in and took off on the bike?! Or ??????????????
[12:23:12] Viv Lortie: I’ll speak to you laterer …………………. (yawn)
[12:23:21] Viv Lortie: (sun)
[14:30:43] Loup Nordique: Bugger me! I’m back. WOrked until about 2pm (paper-work and stuff that I didn’t mind doing because L’s sister and bro-in-law are here). But now I’m in, trying to “settle in” and for some reason was expected to go for a bloody ride in the car with the other 3 “to see how you fit” says L’s sister. WTAF? Seriously? I don’t GO with anybody in a damned car! So when I said I
[14:33:37] Viv Lortie: (wave)
[14:33:42] Loup Nordique: 9BUGGER BUGGER BUGGER!!!! When I said I’m tired and need a nap, Brandy gives me some shit attitude look as if to say “WHO the F…. do you thing YOU are? You were told you’re going for a ride.” WELL! I just came up to the room to “fix” my paper-work for the day. No nap though. Miserable dogs barking… at nothing… or everything oging on outside. SO it seems that if I’m to get any rest today, I’ll be on the bike and trying to find a place in some wooded area. FML. Truly and really… just FML.
Other-wise, all’s well and fine. I’m sorry I missed you.
[14:34:03] Viv Lortie: (wave)
[14:34:07] Loup Nordique: HELLO HELLO HELLLOOOOOO…. :P
[14:34:19] Viv Lortie: :P
[14:35:26] Loup Nordique: I;m changing out of my
work shoes and into something more comfy for walking…
GOT to get the fuck out of here… find someplace quite(er) and nap.
Probably try to get down to the river.
[14:36:41] Viv Lortie: What’s this “HOW YOU FIT” all about?
[14:36:59] Loup Nordique: Not a fucking clue!
[14:37:45] Viv Lortie: Yup, I think you should go to the beach and find a nice quiet spot.
[14:37:57] Viv Lortie: Have all those people taken off for a RIDE?
[14:39:12] Viv Lortie: Are they in the living room TAKING A RIDE?? (rofl)
[14:39:20] Loup Nordique: I could use a couple of things (provisions, as it were). Didn;t get to the Credit Union today (closed and all) so no cash. But got food stamps so I’m thinking I’ll walk into RIchford, visit a bit over there, get a few stuff from the store, say “HI” to the nice folks.
[14:40:07] Viv Lortie: Well, while the weather is nice, you might as well take advantage.
[14:40:34] Viv Lortie: Doesn’t the credit union have automatic tellers??
[14:41:27] Loup Nordique: These are the kinds of days (there have been all too many in the past frew years) when I’d just really rather kick-off. Just bullshit when one is tired and has no place of peace… other than walking or travelling. Fucked right the fuck the hell up this shit.
[14:42:23] Viv Lortie: Are the people gone? or what??
[14:42:36] Loup Nordique: Oh fuck no… they
[14:42:49] Loup Nordique: they’re all hanging about down-staris
[14:43:30] Viv Lortie: waiting for you to go down, I suppose?
[14:44:06] Loup Nordique: I dont particularly give a fuck what thy’re wiaitng for. Hopefully they”re waiting for sudden death.
[14:44:15] Viv Lortie: tsk tsk
[14:50:46] Viv Lortie: Question: Your little pencil is writing manically away ………. are you making it write or is it just simply possessed?? (think)
[14:52:44] Loup Nordique: When I was taking care of Margot in The Bronx, she’d keep me awake until all hours of the night… When I started working with other clients, I’d be up all night most of the time and go to work 8am-6pm, get back in the house and not have a moment to sit. I left Margot and went into the Shelter.
In the Shelter, I’d go to work at 4:30am, get back at 7 or 8pm, and most often didn’t get to bed until about 11:30pm with all the noise… to get up at 4:30am the next morining to go to work again. 12 days on at work for 2 days off… for 16 months.
Left NYC, came to VT. Stayed with Fran for a bit. Same shit. She, being blind and depressed, is back-assward with time. So she was up all night. When I had the car, I’d sleep in the car all night, go into the house to shower to go to work. On the way back from work, in the good weather, I’d go to the park, throw a sheet on the ground and sleep for an hour. Go back to the house to do the whole cycle again.
Richford was my break: Good night’s sleep and such… but short-lived.
Went to NYC for that 2 months and in 2 months was in 3 different places… all were last minute “Gotta move again.”
Came here, got the whole promise of quiet and all… And now I have the useless dogs barking (even as I type this), and then to be told “You guys are going for a ride to see how you fit in the car.”
So… if I’m to get a nap or anything, I have to walk, about and hor or so, to get to the river (since there’s no place immediately local that I know of). Walk, to get a place to rest after working all morning.
Nah… this shit needs to …
Sorry… I’m tired, just truly tired, it was a tough day at worlk this morning.
[14:55:46] Viv Lortie: Geez sorry to hear this. Wouldn’t the bike get you where ever faster??
[14:56:01] Viv Lortie: Gonna have to get ear plugs too
[15:00:09] Viv Lortie: Now I pissed that I didn’t get up early enough to go down there. I awoke at 5:15 and went back to sleep only to get up at 10 ish and still like I might pass out. We’ll have to arrange something for next week. You’re working Saturday morning, so perhaps we can hit a couple of thrifty chops and once we’re done with that and of course a iddy bitty bite to eat, we can come back to Canada. Whatchu think??
[15:00:51] Viv Lortie: christ can i type like a pig. s/b and still feel like I might pass out.
[15:04:48] Loup Nordique: Sorry.. i dozed right of there. I have earplugs (from the Shelter days).
I’m sorry though… really. It’s just one of those mmonents when the shit just gets to me. It’ll pass. It always does… (like gas, y’know).
[15:05:48] Viv Lortie: you should go lie down. being tired enough, the yahoos downstairs shouldn’t bother your nap.
[15:05:57] Loup Nordique: When it hits, it just rubs in the “years” of the same shit all at once and it gets terribly “dark”. But once it passes… I’m fine. I just need to get through this moment and back to “normal”. And it will pass.
[15:08:00] Viv Lortie: And you don’t have to apologize about anything!!! I’m just comforted to know that it’ll pass.
[15:08:03] Loup Nordique: I’m a touch annoyed at the prospect of being asked to sit at table this evening as well. And rather then get into all sorts of “Chit chat” from people who don’t know WTF they’re talking about, my choices are:
(angel) GET ON THE BIKE AND RUN LIKE HELL UNTIL LATE, LATE, LATE
(beer) put up with it.
(I’m opting for the bike… havne’t seen the folksin Richford since before the snows…)
[15:08:50] Loup Nordique: Fuck this nonsens the ( a ) turns into a bloody angel… bullshit and the ( b ) turnds into a friggin beer!
[15:09:04] Viv Lortie: well, if you think the bike to Richford is the better option, then go for it!! Oui?????
[15:09:32] Viv Lortie: even your fingers are tired!!!!!
[15:11:21] Loup Nordique: Is true… tired. Jsut really tired right now. The ride into Richford is about 1 hr 45 minutes. eh bin, gotta find something to wear for biking. (I see the “Kweebcikkerz” is here today too… on their spiffy racing bikes… teeheeh)
[15:12:22] Loup Nordique: it’s too bad the gorund is so wet. I coudl go into the woods, spend the night.
[15:12:54] Viv Lortie: Wet ground must be very hard on the arthur-itis
[15:13:19] Loup Nordique: makes for wet clothes… ick
[15:13:25] Viv Lortie: you should drink a nighty night and have a lie down for a while and then get on the bike.
[15:13:38] Viv Lortie: wet clothese ………. ick indeed.
[15:14:14] Viv Lortie: and the cold would make the icky wet clothes freeze!! oooooooooooooooo
[15:14:14] Loup Nordique: Just checking to see how long the trip to le Pinacle.. Frelighsburgh.
[15:17:12] Loup Nordique: Im going to poison that little mexican piece of shit the very next chance i get!
[15:17:48] Viv Lortie: poor leetle chica …………….. ]:)
[15:18:27] Viv Lortie: brb gotta use the facilities
[15:21:15] Loup Nordique: yeah… I think I can make it across the border at Freilighsburgh…I think it’s open 24 hours. Yup yup it is… Bike up le Pinacle, come down into Richford. Takes about 3 hours.. climbing up le Pinacle… can’t bike that hill!
[15:23:01] Viv Lortie: well, if you’re up to it ……………..
[15:23:48] Loup Nordique: Time for toddle… must for to get out of the house. I probably won’t be back in until rather quite late tonight so I “see” you at some time on the morrow then. Yes? Oui?
[15:24:21] Viv Lortie: wee wee!! have a good ride. keep warm and keep safely!!!!
[15:25:43] Loup Nordique: Otee dotee… Be sure to get some rest yourself! I shall wave frantically in your direction from the top of le Pinacle! And I’ll blow you (kiss)!
[15:26:24] Viv Lortie: Oooooh, I’ll try to ketch ’em and blow some bacque!!!
[15:26:24] Loup Nordique: 7 (hug)7 (kiss)7 (heart)
and a C U (o)
[15:27:03] Viv Lortie: 7 of each and all bacque at ya!!!
[15:27:09] Viv Lortie: (kiss)
There we have it. And it’s 21.59 and when I went on to get this, she was logged-on. Hopefully it’s just because she’d not logged-off earlier or that she’s on with some-one else. Sweetest-heart. She should be getting her rest. – Well, Penny and Bruce (I never did get to say Hi to Bruce) left at about 15.30 or so and that’s when I simply got into bed. It was a wonderful day, weather-wise and would have been good for a bike trip. But I was tired. The fucking dogs were barking but I got under half of the blankets and… after a few moments of trying to get comfortable… I was OUT! Until 20.58! I got up, fixed a peanut-butter sandwich, finished off what was in the box of Maltex. Rinsed my mug, got a bottle of water and went for the smoke. I KNOW I’m on some sort of Shit-List tonight! But… I don’t give a shit because… well… I can’t. – NOTE! “Shadow” HATES Penny and Bruce! Spat and hissed at both of them! i can’t help but wonder why… what she knows. (Although I did notice that my little bag with the butter in it, on the window-sill in the room was on the floor this evening. I wonder if there wasn’t some kind of “inspection” in my absence.) – And as an added note: I HAD to put the TAB ointment on my hands before I got to sleep. SO cracked and sore! – 22.30 Just finishing the notes here form yesterday. Border Patrol stopped somebody out front. Border Patrol. There’s something calming about that. Being here, so close to HOME. And not there are 2 of them, parked across the road. How silly… really. – NightyNight tea is done. Hopefully it will help me to sleep dead through the rest of the night. Rain in the forecast tomorrow. No escape? Hopefully I’ll find something to do some-where… out and away. – Well… mayhaps one more smoke and… to BED! I’m tired.. not exhausted, but tired.

Sun.13.Apr: 9.00
Last year, today: I woke in the dining room, having slept on the cot. Ivan had slept on a bed-roll in the living-room. It was a wet and over-cast day then too, much like today. Not cold, not warm. Just wet. And we were on the road… and I was leaving 19 Church… leaving Richford… leaving Vermont. We drove up over Jay. Ivan was so fascinated with the ice. We took pictures as we headed across to the 91. Stopped in St. Johnsbury and continued along the route. A stop in Mass. A stop in CT. And arrived in Brooklyn… in the dark… to a miserable “Welcome”. I ran out of space in storage… storage… storage… GONE. Greeted at (how nice, I can’t recall the name of the street this morning…) Schmulik’s with a grimace, and a “Come up.” I rode with Ivan to the Manhattan Bridge, found my way to the subway, bought a MetroCard and took the train back to the house. And the “… welcome with open arms” began… the Fucking commenced. Last year, today, I remember.
This morning, a year later… Woke at 8 and went back to sleep. Coffee’s ready. Going for a smoke. HEADACHE! Bloated. Maybe it’s all the Maltex I ate… and then went back to sleep. – 9.16 Well, it’s a rainy day. Not so cold though. Vermont. A year later. Nothing’s really improved. Just rolling along, waiting for death, for the day when it’s done. Hey, I have a job this morning. Not a perfect job, not a job that pays what I need to move along. I still ow a shit-load on an over-draft and a shortage. The little I have in the banque will just about cover my own, personal debts. The rent? Nope. I need to make sharp decisions and I need to make them now. I need shoes, I need some clothing. *I* need… and I have…? Nothing. But I have a job. Oh well. – And I’m fed-up with being cold. It’s not exactly “warm” in this room, and the wind is rattling the windows. I’m tired of being cold… all the time… always. – The house is awake. Voices in the hall. Shelter… Shelter… no peace. Just no peace. – 17.49 OK! The tree limb in the back is now kindling and fire-wood for the coming season of les vendredis des tapettes broulés. Or something like that anyway. I put double Hannaford’s bags on my feet, over my socks, then the TonyG boots and out the door went I… after being pissed right to all Hell with this piece of shit of a lap-top… and at about 13.30. But… with a bit of music and the old saw… It was difficult because the limb is wet from the melting of the snow and the sap that’s finally liquid. But, but… a bit of determination and memories of the past, it all, and I mean ALL got done! Cut, broken and stacked. And all the while, of course, I think: I will NOT be here to WORK the Friday nights at the fire this season… NO MORE! PAS ENCORE! NON PLUS! etc. – The back of the barn is cleaned and cleared again and ready for another season… or… what-ever… – Bob brought Dixie out for a littlest bit. And… poor little thing, she had to take a shit… but.. out in the back. JUST what the yard needs: more shit in more places. Oh well, at least she got to go and this time she didn’t have to wait for me. And, it’s done! – The boots are completely fucked at this point. Even the glue isn’t holding. So, from now on, I’ll HAVE to save the shopping bags to use them as socks. I’m posting pictures of this, bags on feet, on my FB page and WP here and Milestone. I’m not keeping this shit to myself any longer. Hell! No reason to! Fuck… in a word. – Just finished a peanut-butter samich and am going to have a beer. Je m’en câlisse! When I think of last year… – 20.40 SHOWERED and in the bed! Had an ale, then a shower and whilst I showered, B. brought his boards in from the car… alone. I’d heard him ask, earlier, for Jester to help L. bring them in. Obviously THAT didn’t happen. Sometimes I wonder how B. has put up with it before and how he puts up with it now. Sad… very sad indeed. But I wasn’t asked (and I won’t anyway… fuck that shit… I’m putting in a lot of work to get the yard together,,, and all the while with the extreme hope to be GONE GONE GONE… SOON SOON SOON!!!). So now, just having tea after having posted the photos of the boots to FB and WP. Must to check Skype to see if VIV’s there or has been there. And then… to post this to here and to grab one last smoke and to bed! Tomorrow is supposed to be in the 20’s and no rain… there’s a bit of yard work to get to… And it’s therapy, more than anything else… NEED NECESSARY therapy! – 20.46 no VIV! Oh well… Hopefully she’s at peaceful sleep. – Today was a miserable day… the memories of last year are still too close and vivid. So too, the events that followed. So tonight I’d like to add a few notes:
To Ivan:
Thank you so much for the help last year. I couldn’t have made it through with-out you. Sorry we’ve lost touch but I can’t handle any more bleeding heart “Libtards” in my life any more. I just don’t have the patience. But you are a good person, a kind person and I wish you only the very best in life.
To Schmulik:
You have your “Hell” now and as much as I believed you deserved it before, I do so even more-so now. I’ll never know what the fuck is wrong with you, other than being so intensely self-absorbed, but I didn’t deserve the nasty greeting I received last year and I most CERTAINLY DID NOT deserve being tossed from place to place with-out even the slightest consideration… I mean… LASTMINUTE? And being TOSSED into the homes of complete strangers? You’re a fucking piece of work and I’m actually quit relieved to have you out of my existence. Good luck to you in your bathtub… Hopefully the Water Department will have put in an extra dose of chlorine the very day you decided (IF you ever do) to sit in that tub.
To Nancy:
YOU are a complete and utter fucktard and most of the anger and animosity and bitterness I harbour in my heart and soul today is against me… for being so miserably stupid as to trust you. You fucking lied, is all there is to it. And you were just too damned lazy to act on your promises. SO much easier to toss a cheque into the post, eh? But certainly not worth the effort to dial a few digits on the phone. Well… as I am with Schmulik, I am better off having learnt the truth and having done with it. If this is how you treat “BFF”s, I dread to think how you abuse others. But that’s their trouble, not mine.
To Silas:
It’s been a year now… I have no anger, no animosity, no regrets other than the one… that we are no longer in touch. Loved you then… all along, never meant to harm you in any way… gave you MUCH to try to make your life so much easier. I truly am sad that it didn’t work well. But I DO hope that where-ever you are, you’re happy, and content and away from those bitches that others would call your “mothers”… “Mothers” they are… miserable, selfish pieces of shit. Silas? You’re beautiful and deserving of much Love! May you find it soon and enjoy it in contentment.
That said, it’s time to wrap this day up and put it aside. I can’t believe a year has passed since “that day”and that I can still recall it all so vividly. Last year at this time I was alone on the streets of Brooklyn. Last year on this date, it was cold here in VT. Right now it’s 14° with the wind just blissfully blowing, Imagine that. – I wish I was back in the room at 19 Church though. Well… maybe next year I’ll actually be HOME!

Mon.14.Apr: 6.07 And I woke, on my own, at 5.58. Although, that means I slept through the alarm…

DREAM: I’d shoveled the drive, not this one, but the one in front of the house, at home, I was still living at home. Mum was there in the dream. So, I’d shoveled the snow and it was also piled, or “walled” up about 7ft high or more on the sides. I don’t remember how, but I’d fallen asleep, in the drive, and apparently, as I slept, the plow came round and plowed me in! I woke, and for some reason, I was naked! It was warm enough so that I wasn’t in the least bit cold, but I’d been sleeping in the snow, in the drive and slept so soundly that I didn’t hear the plow come by! When I woke, I look round me. I was completely closed-in on all 4 sides, walled up to about 7-7,5ft high. No panic. I just tried to find place where I could get a good foot-hold as I thought about what had happened. At one spot, toward the street end of the drive, I managed to get a good foot-hold, for most of the way up but not all the way. So I called out to the house… “Mahhhh…..” in a rather calm and sarcastic tone. When she came out of the house, she couldn’t see me over the walls of snow so she called to me “Where are you?” in a tone more of “How could you possibly do this to yourself, you silly child?”. I was almost to the top of the wall, so I took a hand-full of snow and tossed it into the air and said “Around here; can you see that; did it help?” “How did this happen?” she asked. “I don’t know, really, but I’m naked back here. Do you have a broom?” I wanted to use the handle as a cross-bar to pull myself up and out with. (The last thing I recall of this dream is the broom being tossed up and me trying to find a place where I could put the handle across and pull me up. I had my toes in the snow-wall and my upper body pressed, leaning, into the snow, my hands on the broom-stick and was trying to get out, but because I was naked, my body heat was melting the snow so I couldn’t get myself stable, and I kept sliding back down. But neither I, nor Mum were in a panic. We were finding it rather amusing

6.22 fucking Mexicashit is barking in the room across the hall! And… of course, nothing is done to stop it. However… I DID learn that they dogs were barking quite a bit yesterday (doors and windows being open in the warmth) and, according to Jester, L,. said “I’m not putting up with this all Summer.” BULLSHIT YOU DUMBASS. BULSHIT! OF COURSE YOU ARE! You won’t do SHIT about the barking, nor will your “husband” which means that piece of phairie-shit won’t either. But ME! I WON’T PUT UP WITH IT ALL SUMMER! And YOU can chew haemorrhoids if you think I’m paying for the privilege of being further inconvenienced. OK? You’re free to evict or make me miserable… and I will see you paying quite a bit out… and losing income…. – 6.44 just up from a smoke, it’s quite beautiful out this morning and I’m looking forward to getting out of the house and into the yard to rake, then into the barn to cut the old chairs down for fire wood. So it seems, B. over-slept, because L. is up and in front of the TV. “I had to help him get ready for work.” What? Help him get dressed? Never mind. Not getting into it. – I didn’t get to sleep until well after mid-night last night and it was a bit difficult because it was actually too hot in here to sleep. Ah… and this is still April. Worse days are to come. And it seems impossible that on Tuesday night into Wednesday morning… snow. – Last night it rained! Not as bad as it did in Montréal though. Viv said that the had a full-out rain storm! But we got the wind and rain. I should have raked the yard yesterday. The dirt and such would have been rained into the yard. But… it gives me something to do today. – 13° now, according to the weather report. High of 24° (TWENTY FOUR!!!!!) with chance of rain showers. Rain tonight. High of 17 tomorrow with rain and then… THEN… Wednesday… HIGH OF ONLY 1° with clear skies… that’s from Environment Canada. BUT… for the States… rain tonight and tomorrow and SNOW on Tuesday night! Who the fuck knows? We’ll see what we get when we get it. I’d thought of going into Richford today, but not in 24° heat! Let’s hope the Environment Canada report is correct… I’ll go tomorrow. Not that I need anything there, but it will be WONDERFUL to get back Home at long last! It’s been all Winter! for fux sake. – Meanwhile, plan is to get out into the yard by not later than 8.00. Right now? POTTY! – 19° in here, by the way. – 17.53 The back yard is cleaned up. I bolted out the door this morning and hit the rakes and raked the “mole hills” down. There were quite a few of them. Then, raked the piles of pellet ash under the pine tree, raked and cleaned under the bush by the phone company. But I did NOT touch the damned dog shit all over the yard! I don’t have a dog so I’m not cleaning the mess. Yes, I love Dixie with heart and soul. But her shit is not mine to clean. Besides, it was so hot at 9.00 already that, well… I took the rakings and such down back to the “pile” by the brook and raked last season’s stuff a bit to spread it out a touch. If it rains, the rain will spread and thin it all out a bit more. I added today’s and on the way back to the barn… well… The ENTIRE SOLE of the left TonyG boot is completely off now. The boots are useless. There’s no way to glue them together at this point. I now NEED new boots! At the very least, I need water-proof foot-wear! – Before coming back into the house, I hit the remaining ice in the back ward with the ice-chopper. The chunks were a good 30-35cm thick! But I spread the chunks about so they’ll melt… in today’s heat. – And… So I came into the house, grabbed a swig of tonic and put on the sneakers (which are going as well) and headed back to the barn, Went up-stairs with leather jacket and 10z and, well, before getting to “work”, took care of my own business… and it was a relief… a GREAT relief! – SO… The old chairs in the up-stairs barn are cut and stacked down-stairs in the back barn for fire-wood. I disassembled, by hand, what I could and took the saw to the rest. Then carted the new “fire-wood” down the stairs to the “Atelier”, as it was supposed to have been. It’s been a busy day, staring at about 9.00 and working through… in spite of the heat! HEAT! It must have easily reached 30-something! (It was hot enough to melt ALL of the left-over ice, even as thick as it was, in well under 2 hours!) – The “Atelier” has been re-arranged and swept nicely. The up-stairs needs to be swept. If it rains tomorrow, I’ll get to that. I’d opened the upper door today. I just might do like-wise tomorrow and simply sweep the old hay out the door and into the yard. I just might. In any event, I’d like to get that barn neat for the Summer… since there’s no telling who might be coming along to “visit”. And who knows? Maybe there’ll be the 4th in the fire-side blow jobs… but it won’t be me, for certain. – OH! I took Dixie out back with me whilst I cleaned the back-barn up. Took some electrical wire, on a spool’ and added some length to her lead so she could wander a bit. Poor thing…she sniffed about and laid down for a bit but when she started panting, I brought her in for water. – Well, today’s work being done, I get into the house just now and Jester meets me at the door… bringing Dixie and Ellie and Mexishit out again! As I came into the house, it comments… “Looks like the wind is picking up.” I replied “It’s been like this all day.” And the response? “Even cloudy like this?” HASN’T BEEN NEAR A FUCKINIG DOOR OR WINDOW ALL FUCKING DAY!!!!! FUCKING WASTES… THE LOT OF THEM. I got into the house and the dinner dishes are in the sink. WON’T EVEN WASH A FUCKING DISH, THIS LOT! Quite honestly, when I take the moment to give thought, I am convinced: retardation. That’s all it is… it’s a “Home for the retarded” – So I come up to the room,and now I’m sweaty and waiting for the shower because… Jester decided to grab it JUST as I came in! In the time it took me to get from the kitchen to the room and get myself together to get to the shower, it managed to get the dogs back in and up to the loo! Imagine… DO FUCK-ALL ALL DAY… AND THEN TAKE THE BATH-ROOM WHEN I WALK IN THE DOOR. – Just noticing: I’ve got a nasty inflammation IN the navel. I wonder what THAT’S all about. Oh well… – Waiting for the water to boil… those “GrapeNuts” things for supper. I had a tin of soup earlier, “Chicken Quesadilla” … very tasty, it must be quite good when heated… I wouldn’t know. Cereal now. Hopefully a shower. Then… into bed. I’m fed the fuck up. – 18.22 I don’t know what it is in the navel but it’s swollen, red and hard. Hmmm… a bite? I don’t know. Oh well. At least I’ve eaten the cereal. – 19.18 SHOWERED AT LAST!!!! And it was a relatively long one at that! Fuckit. – Just in from a smoke… Seems B.’s off for herniorrhaphy on Thursday morning. Same-day surgery. Gee, I wonder who’s going to play “Home Nurse”… I wonder. I know who isn’t. – It’s bloody 27° out there!17° tomorrow and…. ONE on Wednesday! Then back to the low teens for the duration. – 23.14 Just off the line with … VIV!!!!! What a wonderful video-talk tonight! AND… she’s thinking of coming down on Saturday! AND… ASKED IF I’D LIKE TO GO… HOME… ON SATURDAY! She wants to buy a turkey for dinner on Sunday… I’d forgotten that this Sunday is Easter. Hm…. Tonight is Pesach. And I just had 2 peanut-butter sandwiches as I spoke with VIV. Seder. Oh well. But it would be SO GOOD to go HOME, and especially “*HOME*” with VIV again! How my SOUL needs such these days. And to be able to talk with her. AND hopefully we can get her food on the FS so she won’t have to use money for her food! She’ll get to get food and eat! THAT would make me feel SO much better. Funny how I was just thinking, just this morning, of the days when I was making the good money and would drive up and give her the rent. How I wish those days were these days too. But, life changes and so do we as do our situations. Still, there’s about 298 on the card. She could eat well on that. And even at most of it, I wouldn’t miss it all that much. Anyway, I’m just having a peppermint tea before bed. Stomach’s off again tonight and I had a Darjeeling just before VIV rang in. So I need a little something to dilute that, I suppose. – It’s raining out there tonight. Seems I did the yard work just in time for all the soil from the mole hills to wash back into the grass. Whew! And I put up 2 more flats for seeds. Peat pots, as they were. So the rain will do good for them as well, I hope. – Need to catch-up with a bit more from the day, have my tea and get to sleep. It’s supposed to rain through the day tomorrow. I was thinking of making a wash in the morning and then heading to Richford, but it doesn’t look as thought that’s going to be the case. There’s much more cleaning to be done in the upper barn anyway, so maybe I’ll get to that. (Give the drunks something to enjoy over the Summer… may I not be here for that.)

Tue.15.Apr:

Wed.16.Apr: 12.19 Just getting dressed and out of bed for the day. The sun is shining, through a bit of clouds, but there’s no heat to be had from it today. The temperatures are 0°with a chill of -something. The ground is covered in snow again, the front and back steps are covered and I’ve no intentions (just now) of clearing them. Jester is in the parlour, in silence and L. is in bed (imagine that). The road out front is clear and dry. But there’s a cold snap to the air. In the room here, the temperature is 18° and yet cool. But the rest of the house seems colder. And I have to catch-up with yesterday. – 12.47 Caught-up as much as I care to. There’s a draft in the room. I’m so glad I didn’t open a window on Monday. I’d wanted to but they’re sealed against the wind. I see there are 2 bags of pellets on the back porch and the rest of the house is actually chilly. But I’ll be damned if I’ll bring the pellets in. They’d go into the stove which would be cranked up and would do me no good at all… as the temperature will drop in this room (as its doing even now). Truly? Fuckit… all. – I’m getting tired again. I’ve just eaten the last of the “GrapeNuts” cereal. I mixed creamer with warm water instead of “hot”. It’s not what I’d wanted to eat, but I was hungry and in need of something to eat. So, it did what it must… stop the hunger. – This morning I happened to see a post-line by B. on FB. OH SHIT! IS HE EVER PLAYING THIS UP! THE PITY-PARTY IS IN FULL SWING! And the replies? I actually got sick to my stomach especially when the comment “2nd time in something-years”! How can people be so stupid? Truly? But the replies truly pushed me. Poor baby, and what can we do to help and be careful and good luck. Fuck! Nobody posted “get the fuck up! Tend to YOUR house and yard. Lose weight. Stop the fucking eating whilst watching TV.” – Ah… meanwhile, the navel is draining. Later I intend to shower and put some bleach to it for the night. Tomorrow… there’s a trip into the CU on the agenda. Hey! I might even be able to hitch a lift with Aline and maybe take the jitney back! Or… maybe get a lift in both directions… if I feel “selfish” enough. That would be a delight. But for now.. the snow is melting and there’s a bit of shoveling that could be done. Perhaps I’ll do it, just for something to do… Presently… TEA TIME! Get this posted and fix the bloody Walmart gloves… they’re already worn-through and ripped… SHIT! Typical. –

	15 April 2014 Franklin VT05457

Well, we did have tea, and I got out to the PO where Aline’s changed the closing software to the up-date and she tells me it takes 15 minutes just to run it. (And she was quick to add that we don’t have the extra 15 minutes… imagine that.) AND she’ll be in with me to close on Saturday (to help me run the new software of course). Why THIS Saturday? Why not then. eh? – When I came back to the house, I tried to clear the front stoop a bit and the pavement. It’s already iced a bit but I did what I could. My gloves still need a bit of stitching, which has little to do with the shoveling. But as I got to the back yard, of course, Jester had to let the dogs out and I can’t shovel with Dixie out there… for some reason, she attacks the shovel and bites at it. However… timing being what it is, just a I got almost to the back door, the shovel came apart! It’s been lose anyway and finally… the end. It can be repaired. Just needs a screw or something. But between that and the dogs… I stopped, put the shovel back and came back to the room for the rest of the evening. Hey! They got more work done… or… I got more work done. More than I can say for either and both of them. – A bit of cereal, a tin of soup for “dinner” and some surfing about the web. And again, no invite to dine. I can’t help but wonder what Jester told them… considering the chat we’d had when I took Jester to the doctors a while back. I’d simply said “I won’t be told I owe anybody a lot of money again.” No doubt, that got thrown into a whole different direction. Tough shit. Eh? – So, as I waited for the shower (B. needed it this evening… for tomorrow), for some reason, I got the urge to check aerial views of Tilden… that map is interesting because there are a couple of “businesses” (a day camp and some sea plane things) listed in Tilden… with mailing addresses there! The map is from 2013 but it still shows the dunes and the Shore Road! THEN I found a VIDEO that somebody had done with a camera mounted to a plane!!!!! It flew over Tilden and has wonderful images of “the tree” and such! I sat and had a good cry, remembering the days and nights … and remembering the note books and the nights of taking notes under the tree… and the sketches… and my complete stupidity… trusting that qunt! Then, I found some videos of Breezy Point after Sandy and THAT got me crying. I miss being in Rockaway. But at my age and this stage of my life, it’s better to be as close to the border of HOME as I can be. It won’t be much longer and time to “go”. – I’d sent an e-mail to Viv this evening, saying that I wouldn’t be on the Skype tonight, that I’d planned an early to-bed. And so I had planned it. But I had to wait until about 21.00 before the loo was available. Jester got in there and, well, that’s an ordeal. Kriste only knows that the fuck she does in there, but no doubt it was prep for tomorrow. Surely, the 2 of them will accompany the poor patient.. and then gallivant about town during the surgery. Probably stop for a lunch and such. Good for them… Fuck. – By about 21.30 I was showered. Cleaned the belly button bit and put a light touch of bleach in it for the night, a bit of cotton and a band-aid (I need more of them now, bugger me). Went down for a bit of a last smoke, accompanied by m’Dixie and B. came for his pipe. We chatted, lightly, for a bit and I came up for a peppermint/ginger tea and bed. – 22.30 much later than I’d planned, but that’s lights out for the night. It’s another cold one and tomorrow is expected to be only a bit warmer. Hopefully the roads will be clear and not soaked and I can get to the CU and back with-out difficulty. I’m re-thinking the lift in with Aline. Probably best to run it on my own… after all: I can depend on me… and nobody else. – 7.26 No words, nothing and the three of them just drove away. I can’t help but think: If B. needs help… neither of the other 2 can! Oh… Life..

Thu.17.Apr: 6.20 Awake… BFD. Need to take a dump. Just having morning coffee. And Jester’s stirring about across the hall. Faggot. (As B. put it the other evening as they watched RuPaul: These are what YOU’d call ‘faggot’.” Yup, you’re right. – 6.42 Needed to take a dump this morning but the loo was already occupied up-stairs and so too, the loo down-stairs. And I’ve had my smoke. Jester’s in the kitchen, the other 2 are awake.- 6.50 FINALLY! The loo! Relief! – It’s 15° in the room… chilly, that. Minus 7/minus 10 out-side. High today is supposed to be 9°. Well, at least I should be sweaty… too much, with the run into St.Alabans. Not that I’m looking forward to it, mind you. – Anyway, the house is up and about. B. is supposed to be at hospital at 8.00. I’m rather almost waiting for the question: “Are you busy? Yes as a matter of fact, I am. Even if it meant taking the car today, I’d rather take the bike. I’m tired of the chauffeuring about with-out the benefit of being able to run errands. And then the car sits there so the ladies can watch TV all day and then toddle-waddle about. But, with everybody being awake already, I’m rather sure that they’ll all go to hospital this morning. Ah… then the ladies will be able to hang about the Walmarde and such. Me? I’ll wait until (a) they get together and get out and (b) the sun has a chance to warm the ground just a touch. Meanwhile… catch-up with yesterday. – – 8.32 Quiet house. Bitter temperature out there! Of course. I have to make a run this morning. Oh well… it’s not like I’ve not done this before. AND… there was quite a bit more in the a/c than I’d thought this morning. Sometimes it pays to be a bit lax on the record-keeping. A considerable amount could be paid on the out-standing here, but I NEED SHOES! And, if things go well enough, I should be HOME on Saturday, so… SO! – A bit of a snooze for now and then…out the door, on the bike and on the road…. for the day. Fukit. Truly. Hey! I wasn’t asked if I had any errands to run, and the ladies are out and about. Hopefully I don’t run into them. These are the days when living in a small place is a bit on the inconvenient side. Well, at least nobody can say they do ME and favours. – 16.53 Hearty Beef Barley soup after a journey into St.Abans… I left at about 11.45, took my time. But today was PAINFUL!!! There are moments (like all the moments of this trip) when I wonder what the hell the pain is coming from. All I can think of is that my vertebrae are compressed or are compressing. No doubt, there’s some kind of damage done or being done. Well hell anyway… it’s not as if I’ve done nothing strenuous all my life-time. Pack-mule, me. But I had… HAD to do quite a bit of walking and stopping along the way today, to get off the bike. Of course, carrying the BDMs (which I didn’t intend to do) didn’t help the situation any. Nor did carrying the back-pack, which wasn’t necessary either for that matter. But, all told and considered, I made really good time! And all of that primarily for the sake of having cash for Saturday… not that I think I’ll be using it at all. But still. Oh, and to get change for the drawer at work… and to cover the difference in the count. Well. At least the difference will be covered and that’s the most important issue at hand. It’s done. I did it… alone. Still, I can’t help but think: it might have been a nice gesture to have been offered a lift this morning. I probably would have declined, but the offer might have been nice. Ah… but then… that’s “nice”. I don’t know what or why I’m on the shit list. I keep thinking: I’m not eating food, abusing the facilities. Not even using toilet paper or anything at all really. What I AM doing is working round the house, clearing snow and ice, making it better to come and go, in and out of the front door (which I don’t use), making repairs and the likes. I equate it with: paying for the privilege to work. I need to get past that thought. It eats at me sometimes… not that it’s any different from any other part of my exisstence. Hell, there are those who “do” simply to “do”… When you see something that needs to be done and you can… do. I do. – And of course, I come into a house… asleep. OK. I can probably understand B. sleeping… “trauma” and all that. But the other 2? All they did was wake up and have a normal person’s day. I suppose that truly is, for them, quite the effort. It’s thrown their regular schedule off… considerably. (Oh and I’m sure there’s an element of all sorts of stress.. as if they have the capacity to give a shit.) And to think: I didn’t stop at the market! I could have come in with BAGS of provisions! But… I didn’t. – What I DID do today was to stop at the river… took photos and a few “video” shots. It truly is impressive today, with all the water and the rushing and such. And it’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while and never did… go to the river. There’s a spot in Highgate where there’s a sign “PORTAGE” and a bit of a sandy area. The water rushed to the banks rather like the ocean, on a calmer day, would rush to the beach. And the velocity of the water and such was quite nice. (The videos got posted to FB and Tblr today. Something I can refer back to and remember…. in addition to having them for me anyway. May I be able to keep them… ah, but that’s OK. They’re on another server now… and can’t be “taken”, unless the social media fails… and with my luck, fortune and history… Not important… to anybody but me so there’s no importance to it at all.) – My navel is almost back to where it should be. Seems last night bleach worked. (Well of course it did, I’m brilliant that way). FTW. TKUVM. Oddly enough, when I got into the room and began taking the layers of clothing off I discovered the cotton ball had popped out from under the band-aid. Still, it wasn’t painful at all and it feels properly soft again. Oh well… – I think…. no, I SHALL have a Creamy Chicken and Dumpling soup as well. I truly am quite hungry now. Gee… I wonder why. And looking at the tins I see: Allegedly an adult is supposed to take in 2000 calories per day, average. Me? With 2 soups, I’ll take about 800.. if that. I’ve already burnt MUCH more than that even before I’ve taken it in… Other people starve to death. I wonder… Ah, but it makes no matter. Eventually this too shall pass… along with my memory. Soon, please. – 16Fing° in this room… and chilly. Eat and divert attention to the cold… convert and post the videos whilst I’m awake. – 17.11 Dinner done, Darjeeling to follow. – Wrap up time: I intended to take a 45-minute “nap” as I finished eating and posting videos. FB is fucking with me and the LN page! Now they want fucking phone numbers! Dikhedz. I’ll have to ponder this some-how. Anyway, I’d set the alarm for 18.15 and got under the covers and… about 90 minutes later, woke! Shit! Not that it makes any difference, but that was too much I fear. Woke and got on Skype to see if VIV was on… not as yet, so I diddled about the Internet for a bit, social media and the likes. Then …. round about 20.00… VIV! YAY! Tonight we got a few really good laughs in. A couple of times I brought the lap-top down when I went for a smoke. At one point, B, came along as well. But when I’d done with my smoke, I came directly back to the room. I’ve really got nothing much to say around here… being the “help”. And I don’t truly much care. It’s probably better that way, all considered. As for the Skype tonight, VIV and I looked at electric kettles together (on-line) and discussed the week-end. She’s planning on going into Williston with Dan before coming to Fukling.. I was rather hoping to get to Goodwill with them, but that will have to be done on my time now. I have to figure a way to get to the Link one of these mornings and get into BTV.. then navigate about some-how for the day and get back up here. (I also have to figure out car and flat!) Alas… as it is with me and “life” in general… Must to do the “must to do” alone. Oh well.. – It’s 1.47 and I’m just getting into bed. Didn’t get to shower (which I truly need, especially for the navel, which is a bit sore and beginning to harden up again). MUCH TOO MUCH LATER than I’d hoped for. Tomorrow (today?) I’ll have to get up to St-Armand at some point. Smokes… these packs didn’t seem to last as long as the previous… but then, perhaps they did because I’d gotten a pack of Camels the last time. Hopefully, these old legs and the back will hold out for this trip. If not? Who the fuck cares, really? I’ll be sleeping between the table-cloth and sleeping back tonight… I need a shower but not at this hour… don’t want to disturb anybody… Pft.! – Closing: I’d gone down at about 24.20 for the last smoke and Cubby was on the back porch! I wonder how he’d gotten out there and thought: had I not gone out, he’d be out there all night… and the temperatures are still quite cold! “Responsibility”! Right!

Fri.18.Apr:

HOME TODAY! And what a trip!!! Round about 13.00 I suddenly decided that I’d rather have cigarettes that I enjoy, and pay about as much for, than put money into that chor bazzar next door. So, with-out showering and such, I jumped up, got dressed, arranged my back-pack (twice) and headed out the back door to the garage for the bike… got on the bike and headed up the road to… HOME! Oddly, the biking up to Morses Line was quite easy (as was the biking into St-Armand). Of course, the breeze wascoming from the South so that had something to do with it (added to my joy of going HOME to begin with). BUT… as I get to the customs I see about 20 cars queued, waiting to come State-side! I had to laugh to my-self thinking: “No no… it’s fine! She’s gone. Voted out. You can stay. You don’t have to leave home.” (I learnt later that a plane had crashed into the 89 and was causing 3-hour delays in Philipsburgh. Still, it was good for a chuckle.)
BUT THEN….
I get to les Douanes, a woman is working with the older fellow who’s usually there, and she gives me the old “Bonjour, ou habitez-vous” and I reply calmly and happily… She swipes the passport and…. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN DENIED ENTRY INTO CANADA? FUCKING DIANE OLSEN FUCK YOU FUCK YOU BITCH JUST FUCK YOU AND NANCY LLOYD ANDCYNDI MACK AND FUCK YOU ALL!!!!! THE SHIT IS STILL THERE AND I’M STILL, EVEN WITH WORKING AT THE PO, STILL BEING DELAYED!!!!! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK ME!!! FUCK ME I’VE HAVE MORE THAN I CAN STAND OF THIS BULLSHIT!!! FUCK THE 3 OF YOU WITH A WHITE-HOT SEERING STEEL POLE! IN ALL 3 OR YOUR FUCKING ORIFICES! I ACTUALLY SAID “TABARNAK D’CALISSE!” WHEN SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE’D HAVE TO MAKE THAT PHONE CALL AGAIN! OSTIE! Well… there was nothing I could do at this point, so, I waited. The older guy came out to tell me to wait in the parking area, so that I wouldn’t be in the way, and I understood, so I went, had a smoke and waited. When the woman, (Bldso I believe) came out to give me back my passport and clear me, I apologised for my out-burst and she said:
“I know you…. You live in Franklin? You work in the PO?” I looked at her name and for some reason it rang familiar. AH… one of the 2 at the box! She smiled and so did I! I told her the details and how I’d gone to Immigration to take care of the issue. She told me “We’re trying to get it erased… I made a call. We’ll try to get this off.” Imagine that! I’m not planning on or counting on nor hoping for it. But WOW! Once again… Canada comes through! How wonderful! Much more than the US would do. No, the US would rather ruin somebody’s life… just like the afore-mentioned qunts! I pray they rot… in my life-time and with my knowledge. Well, at least it had been a god bike-ride and the over-cast weather was simply over-cast and not all too cold. And I made another acquaintance at the border. So, soon enough, I was back on the road, with a smile on my face and… I was HOME! – The ride into town was a delight today. Something up-lifting about being able to hop on the bike and take off at the last moment to go HOME and for a pack of smokes… and nothing more, really. – And then….
I got to the Magazin Générale, saw and chatted with André and the old guy who’s usually there at the store when a blonde walks in speaking perfect “American” English! Come to learn, she’s from NJ!!! Moved to Québec about 30 years ago and decided to stay! I’ve not idea as to the details but did we ever have a blast talking about a mutual LOVE of and for Québec! We talked as if we were old friends. We talked for the longest while… in the store and out-side as well. Well… Wanda… You certainly made my day! She suggested that I could simply move in when and as I wanted, keep my State-side job and such. And… she’s right! (All I need now is to get a job that will pay rent there and… a car, of course… and I can LIVE BACK HOME!) My spirits and mood were SO up-lifted. She did me SUCH a needed world of SO MUCH GOOD! And, as I say, we talked for quite the while. No rush. And there I was, on the corner, just chatting with someone… at HOME!
Too soon, back on the road, listening to the music and taking my time getting back. I got back to the border at just about 16.00 so I must have been HOME for at least 2 hours (not including the biking time). The queue of cars was gone when I arrived and the passing back went quickly. Not that I was in a rush at this point. The biking back from Morses Line was a bit difficult and I thought it to be because of the head-wind AND the fact that I don’t like returning to… the house and the town and such. So I took my time, had my smoke (and a Coffee Crisp and a sip of Gatorade that I’d gotten today) and walked when I felt the need. I stopped at took photos on the Morses Line Rd. I even did a bit of a video (which I posted to Tmblr) today! I took my sweet time getting back to the house… And just beyond the Richard Rd. I saw Gena, going home. She waved, I waved, and I thought how strange… again, almost in the middle of no-where in particular, to pass some-one I know. Out here, in the relative wilderness, on the North Country. – Back at the house, I went directly to the back barn, grabbed the lattice slats from the bucket and began making the new lattice for the clostridium on the back of the “garage”. – All woven, with just bits of left-over wire and some twine, it was done in good time and put up. Not bad… when I’d done with it and was on the way into the house, Jester came out with the dogs. It must have been about 18.00 already (but I wasn’t paying attention to the hour… unfortunately). I wanted to take a photo of the work… primarily because I want records of ALL the work I do round this place, so I got a couple of shots of the lattice… and Ms. Dixie. The photo got posted to FB as soon as I got back into the room… – The cold room where, for “dinner” I tossed Ramen into the bowl and as it “cooked” I added a tin of “Burger” soup. I was HUNGRY! – Things were rolling along and it was already 19.00 by then. As I posted today’s adventure on-line, VIV… But we did the video-call… and of course, the usual time together flew by. In spite of cutting off at about 22.00, I STILL was running later than “good” and hadn’t cleaned me, the room nor the laundry. And so, I started to pack to the week-end… HOME HOME HOME! at 22.30… DID shower and tried to shave a bit with an old razor (and did a shit job… will have to re-do in the morning). But, tonight, as I tried to figure what to pack, the reality smacked: I have nothing! So there’s really nothing to be packed… NOTHING!!!! Bitter-sweet as it is… that term will never leave my life… ever again. – Midnight, time to wrap the day up. And so… for the most part, it was a delight… This day is what-ever I want it to be… (Beth Orton). – I’ve said nothing to anybody about being away for the week-end. I don’t know how or if I want to or… should I simply return the “consideration” they give me and simply go. And I’m rather waiting for the rent question. But all in all.. the over-ruling thought is: I get no respect nor consideration… so I shall return same… as the expression goes…
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT PEOPLE THINK YOU’RE BEING CRUEL WHEN YOU TREAT THEM THE WAY THEY TREAT YOU?

Sat.19.Apr: 5.16 I can’t believe that I’m awake at this hour. In spite of planning… I didn’t get to sleep until after mid-night. And the truth of the matter is, I don’t have to be awake at this hour… but I am. So fuck it… the day’s begun. – 6.18 Time to roll!!! I just caught up with yesterday, have had a smoke and 2 coffees… Time to get me together and try to get out of here… un-noticed… yeah… good luck with that shit… eh? MAYBE I’ll ring from the office before leaving… or maybe not. I don’t know… we’ll see… but no matter what… I’M GOING HOME TODAY…. HOME HOME HOME! – And this lap-top is being it’s usual fuck-up this morning… CALISSE! –
You can’t be afraid of making mistakes in a language because that’s just stupid. Besides…. does the other side speak English as well as you?

Sat.19.Apr:
WELL!!! WHAT A DAY… HOME!!!!!
I had an extra bag packed for the trip today (since I have nothing to my name, there wasn’t much to pack). AND… I made it out the door, un-detected! What a relief that was. The morning went along rather well at work, save the attitudes of the morning. For some reason, this morning, the customers of Fukline were rather exceptionally rude. But Sue and I had a nice morning to and the volume of mail wasn’t all too bad. – At about 10.00, Aline came in because she thought it was going to be a rough close-out, and she helped get the mail together and to case the boxes. It went swiftly and smoothly. The new computer work? A snap! I really had nothing to do. AND… my drawer is probably about 1,00$ over at this point! I’m thrilled. I’d even mentioned it to her. – It was about 11.40 when she was leaving and I was going to use the loo when I heard her say “Hello.” to someone in the lobby… VIV AND DANIEL HAD ARRIVED!!!!! I rather bolted out of the loo to see Dan standing there, at the counter. How he’s AGED! I never, NEVER would have recognised him else-where! NEVER! But he said “Hello.”, I recognised the voice and after a bit of chatting I was amazed: His English is SO improved! Truly, truly amazing! Just… WOW! – Well, we popped into the car and I asked Viv to drive round the Square Rd. to show Dan the house in Franklin. He said, as most do, that it’s lovely (from the point of view of age and architecture and such… from the out-side). And Bob had put out the “Gay” flag which was a bit twisted (how appropriate) but “there”. And so, we continued the journey to shop. Took the Hanna Rd (so they could see the route I bike) into St. Albans where they did a bit of shopping at TJ Max (Dan got a pair of sneakers for about 35$) and then we grabbed a bite to eat at McDonald’s. Apparently, the menu and options are quite different here from there. But we all had a bite to eat and then went over to Price Chopper. They didn’t have the turkey. So, across to Hannaford’s where we got a 14,9lb pounder (for a bit over 17$… FS!) and were off. From the parking lot at Hannaford’s I sent Bob a text to tell that I was going home for the night. (“I got in invited home for the night so I’ll be in Montréal tonight.” The reply: “Ok” was almost immediate.) – Border crossing went quite well with-out incident. I was relived. We joked: 2 CAD and 1 US passports, and of course, I expected to be pulled to the side for a bit. But that didn’t happen! (I MUST get a trip in on my own during the week to see what happens and to ask and see if there’s a note on file or if the matter has been… at last… removed!) – We took the 133 up, which is the first road I’d take that one night when I’d gone in to St-Sebastian from J.San’s. Interesting to see it in.. day-light! From there to the 35 and the 10 and to the Pont Champlain!!! When I saw the sky-line I wanted to cry, but being the the car with Viv and Dan, it was truly easier to handle… I was HOME AGAIN and NOT as a “tourist”… I WAS HOME! There really was no reason or cause to cry. I WAS HOME! – And we went directly over to Gaetan/Dan’s. Gaetan greeted me warmly though some-how I get the feeling that there’s a bit of “distance” … perhaps because nobody else is quite sure how to “take” me (Just as I’m sure it is here… Gay and no male “friends” and who knows how I’m discussed in general…. not that it makes any difference. Then too, they’ve all had tough times and so too, have I. But we never did get the chance to chat about them in all these years… and it’s been 28 form since the last time we all saw each-other. We’re a bit like strangers again at this point.) But we all had coffee, D. spoke of how there’s “rien” all over VT and how he couldn’t possibly “live” there. And for me, it was complete delight to be BACK HOME!!! – They’ve got 2 little dogs who are absolutely precious! Even the chihuahua! There’s Rosie, the French bulldog; Meg, the chihuahua who is rather with-drawn and shy because of having been tossed by a 6-year old girl; and Lola, some sort of miniature schnauzer mix. All three were SO friendly and yet SO quiet! A pleasure, to be certain. We all sat, had coffee and Dan spoke on the “rien” of Vermont. He’d hoped to get in some serious shopping and was rather disappointed at the absence of stores and such. And he wasn’t all too impressed with the open space and the farms. Eh bin. Nothing here… and as I told him… that’s what I like the most about it… – After about, perhaps an hour, Viv and I left and went about some last minute shopping for veggies. She’s not living too far from G&D AND, not at all far from the Old Neighbourhood… which became incredible today… En route back to Viv’s, she drove down Henri-Julien!!! 8005 looks ever so much as it did “then”. The street looks quite the same, in general. BUT what I never knew was HOW MUCH she and Gaetan and I now share: We ALL lived on the same street and with-in blocks of each-other. THEIR “Old Neighbourhood” is MY “Old Neighbourhood”! To me, this is amazing! BUT… Nonna’s house IS gone and in it’s place is a 3-storey “condo” building. I wanted to (and did) cry a bit. MY memories (as well as Viv’s ) are gone… destroyed… replaced. AND… the once BOLD thing that’s quite noticeable is that the Old Neighbourhood has become “Black and Arab”. and NOT… CERTAINLY NOT for the better. And I say this with-out prejudice, but simply and merely as an observation: No matter where they “settle” they’re filthy, disgusting, ill-mannered and parasitic. That is sad because MTL was a beautiful place, and a beautiful place to be in … as was “my” Villeray. As Viv said: I would never come back here. Well, there’s no place to come “back” to. They’re ruining it. Make me sick, angry and sad. But… – We got the vegetables, at an “Arab” green market and a couple of bottles of wine and such (neither Gaetan nor Daniel drink) and we were off to the house! – The place? Indeed, she has 5 rooms, and “typical” MTL. The house and the block are rather “Italian” as were the other blocks and houses I’ve known her to live in but this block is more like Esplanade: rather treeless and stark. The flat is nice enough but how she (as well as I) has changed! There wasn’t the fragrance of javel and Pine-sol in this one… rather… it was of cigarette. And no, it wasn’t “immaculate” as she (and I) once made sure our “homes” were. And yes, we are both approaching the age of 60 and much… SO, SO VERY MUCH has happened in our lives that makes cleaning the house seem… well… just not seriously worth all the effort… and… we’re tired. But the place is her’s and she is there and it was a delight and a joy and a comfort to be there. And to me, that means more than everything in Creation. Hell! I thought I’d NEVER be sitting at table, or in her home or even be able to TALK with her ever again! The “where”, “when”, “why” and “how” don’t make any matter at all to me now. The fact that it “IS” is all that matters. And how WONDERFUL! WHAT a difference it makes to my heart… my HEART, SOUL and the very CORE of my BEING!
Well… poor Viv got right to starting the dinner: making the stuffing, preparing the turkey, and we sat and had a couple of drinks and… I sat and smoked at table whilst this all went on! WOAH! How civilised… again… at long, LONG last! And the night rolled along and the bits of the dinner came together… until…

Sun.20.Apr:
4.30 the turkey went into the oven at 250°F and we went to bed! WHAT A DAY! (yesterday… and what a day was beginning!) – In spite of the late hour of going to bed, I was up at 8.34 to increase the oven heat to 250°F. Viv woke shortly there-after and we were back to the business of prepping the kitchen for dinner. Both of us quite tired, to say the least. It had been said that Gaetan and Dan were to come at 13.00 but when they phone at about 12.30, it was changed to 15.00. Indeed, it gave us extra time, but the turkey was WELL-WELL done! Not terribly dried, but when I went to “carve”, the meat simply fell off the bone. Still, the extra time was appreciated! And, at just about 15.00, sure enough, there were the guys! HEY! I was REALLY AT HOME NOW! My heart had just been SO completely at ease and SO MUCH where it belonged. It was WONDERFUL! And at this point, it was even MORE-SO!TO be sitting at table, HOME, with those whom I can call True Friends… and Viv, who has been and is more “Family” to me than anybody else on the entire planet through my entire existence.. HOME… where my Soul is, my Spirit is and where… one day… – Dinner was WONDERFUL (as far as I’m concerned). Dan brought 2 potato dishes. Both where supposed to be served as a dry potato dish but some-how failed to thicken enough so it was served as a potato soup and it was DELICIOUS! They’d brought a mousse cake for dessert that wasn’t only adorable to look at, it was so rich that even for me, one slice was enough. (And, come to learn, Gaetan is diabetic! They’ve both had some kind of corrective eye surgery. I don’t know… it’s not fair… even Viv and I mentioned it at lease a few times…we’re all getting “older”.) But OH! the evening went along so wonderfully and great and the conversation never really ceased. It was so comforting to be amongst Friends, even with people I almost hardly know (G&D after all… I believe this was only the second time we’d actually met and still…) and VIV! WAY too soon, the guys were up and washing the dishes, and the kitchen was cleaned and they were on their way. Criss! It went by too, too quickly. But it was nothing but hours of peace. This is what is meant by the expression “Comfort and Joy”. Times are difficult, money is short, there are trials and tribulations… but these hours from yesterday through this evening were, for me, the one true “need” for heart and sou… and mind and body as well. – As they G&D were leaving, Dan said something about the Jimi Hendrix stamps he saw the advert for at the PO and Gaetan passed me 10$ to get a sheet for Dan. I don’t know anybody’s address to send them to, but I’m sure Viv will settle all that. – Well… the day was done, the guys left and Viv and I went into the living-room to relax a bit… she in the LazyBoy and I on the sofa and… by about 22.30 I would guess… She slept on the chair… I slept on the sofa… and that’s how this Easter came to a wrap.

Mon.21.Apr: We were up at about 7.00 or so… I believe. Coffee and cigarette… at table! And… the day was in full swing. Garbage had to be taken out and the car had to be moved by 10.00 so that’s when we had to depart. The days at HOME were to come to a close. But this time it wasn’t too terrible for me. (I’m hoping that there will be more to come this Summer… and the distance isn’t so far. Hell! I might even try to figure a way to get there… even on a bike if need be.) And, we rolled. We stopped at Globo so that I could look for a pair of shoes (or work boots… something water-proof), and then to a store so Viv could exchange a plate she’d bought. That took us up to Laval! not far from Montée Monet! And I still remembered where we were! All was so familiar to me, even after all these years. A stop at Home Depot and I came away with no purchases. Imagine that! Well, there’s nothing that I wanted as far as “stuff” and I’ve no desire to bring anything into the house. So that made for OK for me. And then… we were en route to … Vermont. – We took the 10 to the 235 and down through Farnham and Bedford and St-Armand. The road is rather flat and not too bad at all. And the distance from St-Armand to Bedford isn’t at all too far. When we got to the corner of Dutch and ch. St-Armand, it was rather strange because I knew exactly where we were, of course, But, as I say, the route is so very flat. I have to look into biking routes to… HOME! No “HILLS”! Hey! Not bad. – We crossed the border with ease at about 15.20 or so and Viv dropped me at the house, came it to say Hello to L. and Jester and was off. The funny bit was: As soon as she was leaving, I started to find things to do. I was looking at the snow shovel that needed repair and as I looked, I heard “Hello?… Did you take my passport?” Indeed! I had put hers into my back-pack at the border! It’s strange to think that a passport is needed to get back and forth now. How stupid! How utterly stupid! Governments are ridiculous! So I ran up, got her passport and she was on her way back. And me? I went into the house to change into dirty clothes and head back out. But I HAD to chat, just to be “civil”. When I mentioned to L. that he and B. should really take the trip up to MTL even if for a day, the reply was:
“I won’t go to MTL with anything less than 400$ but I can’t afford to do the things I want to do when I get there. I can’t afford a concert ticket or to do any CD shopping. We’re living from month-to-month….” Fuktard.
Well… I headed back out to the yard. Cleaned the front of the house a bit, then into the back yard to stake round the rhubarb and the lines of daffodils. Nothing serious, but just to keep busy and out of the house and away. At one point, I sat on the “stump table” in the yard and, listening to the iPod, just looked up North and wanted so much to just cry. I want to go HOME! I just want to go HOME! And it’s so close now. If I could get a car, find a place to work and rent… I’d go right away. But hopefully… only a matter of time. Hell! Wanda got me thinking of how it’s so easy. I should have done so YEARS ago! – I came in when it was done and up-stairs to have some of the left-over turkey that Viv had packed for me. And… she gave me her computer speakers! I’d mentioned that I was looking for some but didn’t truly need them. Still, she’ d bought new and was giving me these. Imagine! – I just SO hate it here… for so many reasons… – By about 22.00 I was showered and in bed with peppermint tea and shortly there-after… lights out. I’d stood out back with Jester for my last smoke until about 21.00, chatting away… more for the sake of finding out if there was something said that I might need to know about (like rent and such). But the chatting was about Jester cleaning some of the dog shit from the yard… as if. Anyway… by 22.30, this week-end became part of the “Past” and I got into bed, put the lights out, head on the pillow and… BANGUE! It was done… and I’d been HOME again! HOME…

Tue.22.Apr: 9.22 Over-heard Jester on phone about owning the house in BTV. I can’t help but think they’re out to take some kind of advantage of him.. as was discussed in MTL. Hmmmm…… none of my business, pantoute! – 9.44 The 5.00 alarm sounded this morning, I put it off and went right back to sleep. Woke just before 8.00, had my coffee and then a smoke. – 22.36 A LOT LATER than I’d hoped to be in bed and asleep, but after raking a bit in the back, re-filling the seed-starter flats with more peat (most of which went up my nose today!), and general pfutzing, and a 10z up-stairs that was WAY over-due, I came in at about 16.00, showered at 16.15 and went for a brief lie-down by about 16.45 from which I didn’t wake until 19.00! I was SO BLOODY TIRED! For some reason, it was like that all day… just bloody tired. – Chatted with Jester a bit today, mostly to feel-out the general. Birthday on Friday and some “guests” at the house on Saturday. WHY could I NOT be off to HOME THIS Saturday? But, if the weather permits, I’ll go on my own… perhaps, since it’s only about the same distance to Bedford as it was to Sutton… I’ll try a trip up that way. AND… maybe be able to get my smokes there! Who knows until we try? – No VIV tonight. But that’s OK. I know she’s probably ever so tired after the week-end… and with finances being what they are and the stress of moving or not in a few months… I wish there was something I could do to relieve it all. I truly, and with my entire being wish there was something I could do. – Nothing more’s been mentioned about le louer icittie et pis je m’en câlisse là because I’ve thought about how much benefit has been garnered in the house with what I’ve accomplished and what more will be. When I can, I will. Until then… silence. And IF it should ever be thrown in my face again, I have the opportunity to simply go to the State and apply for the Renter’s Reimbursement and when they ask for the form, simply state that I cannot get one… THEN we’ll see how it goes along from there. Other-wise and mean-while, I’ve a peppermint tea waiting and a bit more of the week-end to jot… then… hopefully, to sleep. Trash day tomorrow… (Trash day… how funny.) – Sleep restfully with nothing but the sweetest dreams chere Viv!

Wed.23.Apr: 6.27 B,’s just leaving… he and Jester brought the trash out… because yesterday, Jester told me “I won’t let Bob pull all that heavy trash after his surgery.” I almost fell apart laughing… well… trying to keep the laughter in. And here, this morning, Jester gets up, makes the coffee, and of course.. well… who the hell knows that the hell they do in the “kitchen” in the morning? And… for that matter… who the hell cares? But I sit here thinking: L. worries that B. is losing interest and L. knows that B. has interest in Jester and that Jester has interest in B. and Jester is now residing in the house and I wonder if rent is still being paid… The utter stupidity of the whole situation. Oh well… – I woke at 2.10 this morning, so warm, I had to remove the shirt! Then, the alarm at 5.00 after which I dozed until 6.00. And now? Just as B. left, via the front door, the dogs went to barking (which is exactly why I do NOT use the front door). And Jester is now back up-stairs and I have to take a dump and have a smoke, take MY trash out, as it were and do what-ever it takes this day to dodge the drama of the house and to stay clear of the flying shit. – Another rainy morning. Other-wise I’d plan on Bedford today. Well, Saturday is the “party” for Jester… hopefully the weather will be co-operative and I’ll get to Bedford then…. MUST get the fuck AWAY from this place with “folks” being all about! – 7.12 and the week-end is written-in and I have to take a dump, get the trash out and get to the barn and start this day. It’s supposed to rain again so… I need a pack of smokes but … not today. – 12.15 LNCH BREAK! Trash was out by 7.30 and I was in the barn. I found the edger… broken, in the “garage”, and I found the handle… so it all got wired together and twined and I was on the full-swing in the back-yard. From the barn to the front of the house, digging and raking and NOT touching the dog shit. And I am, just now, sitting to a bowl of hot cereal and a mug of coffee. – 12.36 back to work…. – 15.30 Just washed the glass-ware… the yard-work is done… for the day. – When I came in, about 20 minutes ago, L. says: Bob told me that you raked the grass away from the rhubarb out back. *We’ll* have to go down there one of these days and fertilise it.” “WE”? – 21.59 Right then. Just getting into bed… about an hour later than I’d wanted to but… I GOT TO CHAT WITH VIV THIS EVENING!!! YAY! YEAH! OK! – As for the rest of the day? “Lunch” last all of about 20 minutes or so and I was back out in the yard and back to work… until about 15.00. Hey! An 8-hour day! So, I got the south flower bed in the back cleaned and neater, which brought me to the shrub which is clean under neath it. That went into the garden next to the phone company which went to the bushes in the front of the house and all the snarled leaves in all those rose bushes. That meant going along the south side of the house as well. When I thought I’d done enough, there were leaves all along the North side of the barn… they’re gone now. AND… the fire-wood pile is stocked. I brought it up off the ground with the tyre that was back there so the air can circulate about it a bit better and I added the old chairs to it so there won’t be any need to keep running into the barn for more wood. Ah… the smacker? When I told L. about it he actually had the brass set to say “I’m hoping the weather will be nice on Saturday. I’d like to have a bonfire for Randy’s birthday.” Yeah? How charming. I wonder who’s going to build and maintain THIS one. I CAN TELL WHO IS NOT! AND THAT WOULD BE… ME! I spent ALL of the Summer building and maintaining fires for them so they could fiddle about, Jester giving B. blow-jobs and L. fondling one or the other. THEM getting drunk and me not being offered a beer, just running about gathering wood and such. Right. Well gurlz? You’re NIGGER has run off on the Freedom Trail. It AIN’T happenin’ THIS time. So you do that with your fire. (I only wish like all hell that the weather would be warmer on the week-end… I’d find a road-side place to hang out on… probably up HOME… for Saturday night. As it is, it’s supposed to be back down into the single-digits. So? So, I’ll most likely lock me in the room… I hope… and not be bothered. And I do wonder who’s been invited and IF anybody notices the state of the property, who will get the mention… if anybody at all. Oh well.. the place looks attended and folks in Franklin know who and how. Fuck the rest. – Meanwhile… I’m so exhausted right now that I’m actually sick. I wasn’t feeling well all day today. Just a bit nauseated. I believe this place and the circumstances are getting to me. This evening, B put me wise to a position in the “parts dept.” down to his job. I’ll have to look into that… I don’t want anything that will conflict with the PO but I NEED the cash… LAST MONTH ALREADY! So, if I have to take a job I hate in order to get to where I’ll be happier… so be it. But all I can think of is: He offered the job so that I’ll make more money… to GIVE to THEM! HEY! And working in the same place? He’ll know how much I make and I’m sure the hand will be in my pocket before the ink on the cheque dries. Not such a healthy situation. I NEED TO FIGURE A WAY TO GET MONEY… A CAR AND THEN… things will be better. – 22.13 and the wind is banging again tonight. 8° out there and probably about 16 in here. But the chill is 5, North winds at 15km/h. Just looking at the forecast: low of 2 with a chill of MINUS 4! And tomorrow… when I was hoping to do a wash and then hit the road for Bedford: 10, chill of 7! But partially sunny. I can only hope. I do NOT want to be HERE all day tomorrow! (I do NOT want to be HERE at all). And cool weather coming for the next 14 days. Joy… I want to puke. – Time to get this posted and to bed as the windows bang and the wind rumbles. Sleep… if for no other reason… avoidance.

Thu.24.Apr: 9.55 I got up with the 5.00 alarm and dozed back off until 6.30. Woke, then dozed again until about 8.00 when I got yup had coffee and a smoke and… well.. I went back to sleep. I’m not feeling well at all this morning. Nauseated. But the sun is out and in spite of that, there’s a wind and a chill in the air but I’m not sitting around this house today! I’m out of here. Maybe not Bedford, but certainly not here! Fuck this shit, in plain English. I’m half tempted to go ask for financial aide to get out of here… and it just might come to that. Maybe not today but soon. I’ve had more than I need to take of this shit and I’m not looking forward to Saturday. OK. Bad mood. Having another coffee, getting me together and out. I have NO FUCKING SHOES and NO FUCKING CLOTHES. This is the major issue… And I’m pissed… in general. – 19.36 And the word of the hour is: PACKED! All the little things that made me comfy are now in boxes, taped shut. Tomorrow, I can twine them together for carrying and it’s done. The rest? Just stuff that’s required for daily living… living… what shit it that! – So… this afternoon at about 12.30, I took off and headed to the HOME-land. As I was leaving, Lyle asked where I was headed and I blurted “St.Albans” and THEN…. HE ASKED ME IF I WOULD BE NEAR THE MARKET AND WOULD I PICK UP CUMIN AND WHEAT GERM! IMAGINE THAT! I DON’T ASK TO BE DRIVEN ABOUT AND I DON’T ASK FOR THE CAR TO RUN MY ERRANDS… I MAINTAIN THEIR PROPERTY, PAY RENT AND YET… IT’S OK TO ASK ME TO DO THEM A FAVOUR! I simply said that I wouldn’t be IN the town and it was left at that. – A bit on the chilly side and winds that were to kill. The trip was slow, to say the least. I couldn’t break 7km/h no matter how I tried and coasting down-hill I was lucky to reach momentary 11km/h! But today, I was in no rush, especially after the border. Anyway… AT THE BORDER… WOOHOO! THE EMBEZZLEMENT/PETTY LARCENY RECORD IS GONE! GONE! GONE! GONE! O CANADA! MY HOME AND HAPPY LAND! AS USUAL, CANADA COMES THROUGH! I asked M.Ménard if he gets any sort of message when he swipes my passport and he remembered me and when I’d gone to Immigration! He said, calmly and wonderfully “It’ gone.” IT’S GONE! IMAGINE THAT! GONE! THEY can do it but the US can’t… or won’t or what-ever. Bloody idiots. So, as I crossed “the border”and past the sign reading “QUÉBEC”… the sky and the air opened and I smiled for most of the rest of the trip… the wind, cold, clouds… none of it bothered me at all! I was HOME and FREE again! How wonderful!!! – The visit with Jo was rather strange today. She seemed a bit annoyed at something, but we chatted a short while. I changed my cigarettes (sad to say) today. Something called “Québec Classique” that, come to find out, is a combination of US and CAD tobaccos! ICK! I could tell as I smoked one. Tastes like shit. But I have 2 packs of them and a pack of “Mark Ten”. Next trip… Bedford, and hopefully they’ll have something worth the trip and worth the smoke. But, I was HOME and the news was GREAT and I didn’t and don’t much care. The trip was SO WELL WORTH THE EFFORT… NO MATTER WHAT… JUST TO LEARN THAT THE RECORDS ARE CLEAR! The trip back? Snip-snap and away. And with the wind now behind me, much easier. – I have to note today: I’m in drastic pain some-how. Breathing. My gut. My stomach. My head. My eyes. The body seems to be revolting against me… partout! I wonder what the hell that’s all about. At one point, coming back to the house, I honestly thought I’d simply drop off the bike and I looked for a place to drag me so that I wouldn’t be found… or… at least my “remains” wouldn’t be found. Warmer days and nights are coming. Time to travel with the BDMs and find serious repose. – OK. That said, comes the KCK IN THE FACE!!! I stopped at the PO to check for nasty tax notes and the likes and Aline was there, indeed. She gave me more info on the closing on the computer and then came LA MARDE!!! Seems Ms. Linda Barnhold-Gates of the Fukling Phone Co. went roaring into the PO to bitch about ME because I was “rude” to her on Saturday! Then, the arse-lip who used to have a box in Fukling who came driving all the way up from Cambridge TWO weeks ago, made a phone call to bitch! Simple-minded dim-witted women with nothing else to do. So Aline gave me the run-down and told me that Ms. Barn-hole (as Lyle refers to her as) is now keeping “track” and the next time she’s going over my head! Imagine THAT! AH HAH… MAKE IT BETTER? THE IN-BREEDS OF FUKLINE ARE AGAINST ALINE TOO! CALLING HER WITH ALL SORTS OF SHIT AND BITCH-FESTS AGAINST HER! Oh well… as I say… le mot du jour: PACKED! I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND AWAY FROM HERE…. FAR AWAY FROM THIS HOLE! THIS IS IT! I don’t know how, but I’ll need to think and do it QUICKLY… SOON-SOON! RAPIDLY! I CAN’T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS PETTY SHIT FROM THESE TWITS, HICKS AND IN-BREEDS. JUST CAN’T! – SO… I come in the door, rather tired, chit-chat with Lyle as the fuel oil guy is here and then, tired and such, I take Dixie out for a bit of Frisbee… As I’m coming in, Bob is standing at the back door… they’re going into Milton to Zack’s for pizza!Would I like to go? No thank you (I was sincere… enough.) – So whilst they were gone (still are at 20.01) I managed to slip into the shower. Nice… and then pack.. nice. OH! I went to the store next and got bread and a few things…including… CUMIN! which I put into the cupboard in the kitchen. It’s probably not good enough for them but let them wonder form whence it came. I don’t give a shit. – So now… just waiting for 20.05 VIV!!!! ON SKYPE!!!!! YAY!!! – …. She got the speaker working whilst we were on. I’m quite happy about that (as is she). There wasn’t much to talk about this evening, but it’s not a matter of talking about things… for me, being selfish about the whole thing, the most important is that I have the chance to see her and know that she’s OK. To and for me, that’s the most important issue now and there’s a comfort in that. It was too many years of wondering, as can be seen by the years of mentioning her in the journals. So tonight, I don’t wonder… I know… and I wish I had the resources to make her life easier. She deserves that much.

Fri.25.Apr: 5.57 The 5.00 alarm rang, I turned it off and… dozed… Woke and laid in bed thinking that I HAVE to get up and make a wash, but just didn’t want to (get up or make a wash) when suddenly, I decided that I MUST make a wash this morning and sat up, in the relative day-light, looked at the clock on the chest of drawers.. 5.55 if you can believe that. VIV and I were on Skype last night until about 22.30. I only had a smoke after that and a quick check of the weather so I was down by 23.00. And here, at not even 6.00… the sky is light and the room, light enough to type with-out a lampe. And… I just took a room-temperature coffee. The day begins. – One thing though… the day begins with enough in the banque to cover April’s rent and me? I was tickled when I saw that yesterday. This morning? I’m more tickled to think that it’s a bit toward a CAR…. FOR ME!!!! And, it just might be time for me to go, perhaps to Champlain Valley Housing to see about… HOUSING! and NOT in Franklin. Indeed… the warmer weather is coming, the yard work here is all but complete. I could open and turn the garden today even… get things ready for the planting… and Monday morning, get me to Champlain Valley Housing and get the paper-work rolling. Not sure how to manipulate all this, with transport to and from a piddling job. But… there’s only one place to start something… and that’s at the beginning. Tah…. DAH! – So, the house is too quiet and I’m beginning to fear that I won’t be getting my wash in… though… I have no choice this morning. We shall see. I’m off to my morning smoke. – 6.26 AAANNNNdddd…. back from the smoke and both are awake and in the kitchen. How charming. Why do I even bother to thing about the things I should do? Well, the fact is: this business about me not doing the wash is actually in my own head (and heart). But it’s strange, I rely very much on my “gut” (which is twisted at the moment) and that tells me that making the wash will be resented some-how, whether comments are made or not. I think of the comments made about Val and how she never rand the Hoover (something I make sure and do), and how she didn’t bother to ask about the washer and just did her washing. The eating and the being picky about eating… the comments. And I often wonder why I should be so sensitive to and about such things. Shit! I’ve packed my things together to get out… Time to get busy with the needs of the day… as the sun rises over the hills across the road, and the day comes to a screeching commencement. – This is a day that the lord has given…. what the fuck for? And I begin it with wishing I’d died yesterday. – As I came up the stairs, B. said “Did you see what’s on the car?” Frost. The barn thermo is reading the common 20°F (6°C) again this morning, but this morning, that doesn’t feel as cold as it did in February. According to Météo, it’s 0° with a chill of 0°. Still, it doesn’t feel as cold as it did mere weeks ago. Yesterday, at the market, Deb said “No matter how much you want to start planting, the rule is, not before Memorial Day.” That’s the end of May. Oh well. – I’m just not looking forward to tomorrow and such. There will be people in the house for Jester’s birthday party. I need to find a way to dodge this, and the weather forecast is for rain. Jolly, that. And I’m getting tired again… as B. leaves for work. Work… I need more of that… with pay. It’s certainly not that I lack it round the place. But I need it… with pay. – 20.14 SHOWERED!!! IN CLEAN SWEATS!!! READY TO GO TO BED ON CLEAN SHEETS!!! And the garden is turned and ready for seeds. The back yard is neat and tidy. And I’m having a Ramen. MUST RECORD THIS MORNING’S DREAM…..

DREAM: The dream was in colour, mostly the light browns and beige-tones of the wood in the house. I was in one half of a house, there was an opening between the half I was in and the other, but the floor went completely across. There was no roof in the centre and there were no walls on the open sides. The sky was dark, as it is before a major Summer rain storm. The temperature wasn’t uncomfortable though, in spite of the terrible wind that was blowing all about. There were other people, one or two. Either my memory of the dream is poor in this respect or it was the general ambiguity of the whole thing. I was with 2 dogs as well… beige, rather large. The weren’t mine, but they were with me, and I was glad to have them about. As the dream progressed, the winds got stronger and I knew of a “Major Hazardous Storm” that was approaching. A hurricane was to begin, then tornadoes immediately behind that, and some-how I knew it was all coming from Plattsburgh. I tried to warn the other people in the dream and suddenly, with-out any build-up, the winds came SLAMMING into the open house, rain poured in pellets! It was horrible! I wasn’t afraid, just inconvenienced, really. I was anxious about it and the damage it might cause, but no real “fear”. The dogs huddled against me, trying to keep warm against the rain and wind and I did my best to console them. Then, some-how, in the dream, I realised that I was sleeping and that I could stop the storm by waking up! And, in the dream, for moments, brief moments, I would wake up, in bed… in my actual bed, and the sky would be sunny and clear, and all would be calm. But I’d be so tired that I’d fall right back to sleep and immediately back to where the storm was raging… all the while thinking… it’s coming from Plattsburgh! This dream continued for, well, I don’t know how long, really, until at one point, in the dream, as the winds hammered the house and me and the dogs, I said to the dogs “All I have to do is wake up from this dream and everything’s going to be fine! I’m going to stop this. I’m going to wake up and it’s all going to be over.” And I woke, in the dream, and as I woke in the dream, I laid in that bed thinking: I’m still asleep, this is still a dream. I HAVE to WAKE UP! And with that, I woke. Instead of 45 minutes, as I’d intended to nap, almost 2 hours had passed! And yes, the sun was shining brightly… it was about 8.00 by now!

It haunted me most of the day today. I wonder… “They” are throwing a party for Jester tomorrow… I wonder if the “storm” isn’t coming…from Plattsburgh. – 21.13 Well… L. and Jester just returned from St. Albans where they went shopping… and L. comes in the door and gives me a glare. HE just bought new shoes! Imagine that! Doesn’t go anywhere, but has new shoes. Me? I haven’t got one pair that actually fit, save the NYC loggers and none that are water-resistant. Imagine that! Well… the place is packed and ready to roll. Let the day come… soon. If the jitney ran on Saturday morning, I could go to Richford soon. But as it is now, I need a car. And finding one that I can afford at this moment is out of the question. There’s all of 300 in the account and I don’t know that I’ll be able to hold out for another 2 weeks with-out having to part with that. I’m SO fucked at this point it’s making me physically ill… truly… my stomach is a mes tonight. But, one moment at a time and right now, I’m in bed… hoping. – I also over-heard Jester tell B. “They’ve already spent too much on me…” Hey, after this afternoon’s chit-chat where Jester said they’ve cut his FS because he didn’t return the “Review” forms… then said that they told him he could get them at his local office (St. Albans) and he said “How am I supposed to get there?” WHAT? How the hell do you get to BTV? AND St. Albans for your MD appointments? How do you get to the super-market? And all the other places you get to? Surely not by walking 20 miles and then some. Nor by biking that and more. Shit! Really? – Anyway, I got my laundry done today, got the yard cleaned, got the garden turned, and they? They got a pan of baked beans in the oven. The cleaners are sitting on the vanity in the loo… the toilet is filthy (as usual) and the rugs are in the hall. I Hoovered the room and the hall. I will NOT do the house-work as well. I’ve NO idea what they did all day (other than watch TV and play on iPhones and lap-tops and the sort). – But for now, 21.23, it’s lights out for me and the hopes for a good night’s sleep… this time with-out the drenching sweats I’ve been having of late. I wonder about those. The trip HOME made me sweat too. My sweat has a sour odour to it of late and I do a lot of it. Well? Maybe I finally inhaled something toxic in the barn. Maybe it’s diet. Maybe it’s both. Maybe it’s neither. I don’t care, really. Hopefully it’s lethal. – I didn’t come to the North Country to have “fun”… I came to be closer to HOME. I’m here. HOME is there. I’ve gotten to see VIV. There really isn’t anything more. Time to go. Just… time to go.

Sat.26.Apr: 5.32 Coffee. Smoke. Pee in the bottle. The room is clean (as possible). I woke before the alarm this morning. I woke at 4.30 but dozed until about 4.58. I am not looking forward to work this morning. I am not looking forward to this town this morning. I am not looking forward to the rest of this day either. It’s a delightful way to begin a day. Simply a delight. Bloody shit. But… I keep thinking of how much it’s NOT costing these people to have me in the house, how much work is being done round the house… not for me. I’m thinking of how much I put in to become a part of this town and how much now, I don’t want to become a part of this town. I think back to when I went looking for a car and how quickly I was dismissed even then. I think of how these colonic births see me work and put effort into this place and how it’s all dismissed. They don’t know me, won’t try and yet they’re so judgemental… negatively. I can’t care. It’s time to return to the “Shelter Attitude”. I need shoes, clothes, car, another place in which to reside. And I need to see to it that that comes… as quickly as possible. – And these are my opening thoughts on this rainy morning. – FTW – PS: As I came up the stairs, somebody flushed the toilet. I’m moving about as quietly as possible and… pissing and such with the door open? OK. Either I’m supposed to be learning something from this or it’s just a matter of being disgusted. Either way, it’s a matter of my own perception of the matter… Not a question of “Why?” but a question of “How?”. – FTW – 16.45 Just awake from yet another nap that lasted longer than I’d planned but to no loss. The fête is in full swing down-stairs. Jester’s relatives, “Cody”, John… etc. Jester’s brother introduced himself politely as I made my way across the kitchen to have a smoke (2 actually… just in case). These 3 are at table, eating away. I made chit-chat with John and headed out the back-door. (The “garden” looks very good and the seed flats are nicely soaked. BFD) The dogs have been barking right along so the “nap” was interrupted as often as possible. But that was to be expected, I suppose. I don’t know there the Maitresses” are but I suspect they’re in the parlour. Hey. “brother” invited me to partake… I declined, dodged the invite politely. Could you imagine the talk after if I’s accepted? I should think not. And so. – The rain is a mere light mist, just enough to keep me from working in the yard. There are leaves I’d like to get to and some “cleaning” on the North side of the house that should be gotten to. But, I’m in no mood to get out there in the rain. Besides, I woke to a miserable leg cramp when my foot got cold. Nah… no sense in even attempting… for now. If I knew I could, I’d go into the barn and sweep. If I can think of a way to get the sweeping shit up and out, I still just might. There’s enough hours to the day remaining. If not… not. – The day at the office went by as usual… until closing and for some reason, I was quite behind when it came time to close. And then the computer went a bit whack on me: the down-loads from the scanner didn’t generate a report until after noon… the new 1412 was a mess. But I got it done. I’m still not sure about how I did it all, since I had some new sale that I haven’t done in a while. It’ll probably toss my count off (over) but the money is in the office so I’m not going to “worry” about it. Better the count is over… and hopefully it is. – I got Dan’s stamps. I’ll probably post them on Monday. I need a bit more postage… but what I put into my drawer to day pulled my cash. (Another trip into St. Albans in the rather near future.) BUT… I found a few more Belvedere’s in my back-pack! So that made me a bit happier. – I’m just waiting to see if Viv comes on-line. No telling what she’s doing with her day. It’s a shame that I don’t have a car. I’d be there today. – Oh, and I got the “review” form for FS today. I didn’t realise that they have me registred here, at the house as my “physical”. HAH! FS and the PO… proof I’m here. Hey! It could be to my benefit this way. Not sure how, but IF there’s ever an incident of “You have to leave now…” as there was with Jester… there’ll be a 911 call made ever so quickly. (I just must make certain that I have the phone… or, come to think of it, with the phone, I don’t even need to be current… just have a transmission off it.) – I wonder what’s been said about me behind my back… to John and such. I don’t doubt there’s been more than plenty. Oh well. Fuck them. I got my chance to voice my opinion of this town… today at work. Several times. My turn to “speak”. – OK. Now to “entertain” and “amuse” me for a awhile… at least until the next smoke. it’s 17.02 already. This day is just slipping right by. (I wonder how long the “do” will continue. But with the folks here, at least I don’t have to ponder the possibility of something… oh let’s just call it “rude”.) – 19.07 Just up from a smoke.. and taking poor Dixie out for an emergency pee. As I walked back into the kitchen, the “family” are gone and… THE DRINKING IS BEGINNING! Something “home-made” in a huge jar. And the frivolities are all a-twitter in the kitchen and there’s nothing that says “Get the fuck out!” like being ignored. Lyle stood right in the way of getting through the kitchen door to the hall-way and I silently waited until it moved. And when I passed… I lightly commented that I was waiting for the smoke and the genie to come out of the jar. “Yeah…” was the reply as he walked away. Yup… nothing like saying “Just get the fuck out of the way.” – Monday I’ll have to take that trip into St. Albans… explain the situation … in great detail … and see what services I can avail myself of… even if it means another “shelter”. It’ll be difficult. But… Enough. Time to stop the bull-shit and move along. Especially considering that I’m sewing my under-wear together now. – 23.08 Quiet house, Idan Raichel playing from the iPod on the speakers and just signing off with VIV! Now, for the last smoke of the day and to bed! – 23.47 Had my last smoke of the day and am finally under the covers. (I put the heat pad on to avoid any leg cramps again.) “Cody” is staying the night… or, as Jester told me in our delightful little chat before I went to smoke, until 4.00. He needs to catch the ferry back across the lake to… NEW YORK. He leaves from Charlotte. At this hour, there probably won’t be any “frivolities”… I can only hope. But we never can be certain… although Bob’s not been feeling well all day so… And when I went for the smoke, he (B.) asked “Did you have any sandwiches tonight?” I doubt he realises that I didn’t participate. And I’m not going to get into it: HE planned the party, others were involved and I wasn’t invited. All told, it was wonderful for me though. I managed to sew my under-wear back together as I sat here. Got my nails filed down nicely. I just need to put a good polish on my boots and “chores” will be taken care of. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll attack the barn… just to be out of the way. We shall see. – My stomach feels a bit bloated (can’t figure why… peanut-butter samiches for “dinner” tonight). I am and I’m not tired. Hopefully I’ll be able to doze off eventually when the lights go out. – Other-wise, it was another delightful “text chat” with VIV for a few hours. I wonder why she chooses text over talk. Although, for me, it’s more comfortable not having to be careful of what I say at the risk of being over-heard. – Well, the house is all quiet. Jester has been in bed for a while. HE had to wash a sink full of dishes this morning, AND cook and prepare the meal… and now he’s talking about having to wash all the dishes tomorrow. How charming: “We’re” planning a party for you on your birthday… but… YOU have to do all the work. Imagine that. Fucked-up. I wonder: if what we endure is in preparation for something to come… what will this be for? The Shelter has been for everything from since those days… what is THIS for? Oh.. time will tell… Time.

Sun.27.Apr: 21.34 And the day comes to a close… a rainy day at that. Drizzled all day… ALL DAY! I woke at 7.30 with the alarm. Last night, it was quiet… much to my shock, I have to admit. Jester’s family left at about 18.30. I don’t know when John left. But “Cody” stayed the night, until about 4.00 this morning. And I believe he stayed on the sofa down-stairs. Imagine that. But the dogs let out their usual howls when he left and I woke. Went back to sleep until about 5.00 and then fell back to sleep until the 7.30 alarm. Woke to… rain. What a day! Well, got up, pfutzed about for a while, did a bit of Internet browsing and then back for a “nap” at about 11.00 for a half hour. When I woke from that, the house was still quiet… everybody was still asleep. And they slept on and off during the day. “They” did laundry and… brought in one of the two bags of pellets remaining. Jester said it was to give heat to dry the wash and to take the dampness out of the house. (I told him it made no difference to me one way or the other because the room was cold and damp anyway.) And, I came back to the room where, today, I managed to file my nails, sketch a crayon fleur de maple leaf on the envelope for Dan (which I have to get more postage for tomorrow and post it… and see if it will require a Customs sticker… I’d forgotten about that possibility). Gave the NYCloggers a GOOD polish today… with the Kiwi. Took the laces out and everything! They came to a lovely shine.. but I still say nothing cleans and conditions like “my personal applications”. But there will more of those to come, as it were. – I took the one TonyG boot apart to see if there’s any chance of repairing it. The left one, of all things. It’s interesting to see just how poorly they’re made, what shit they really are and how much dust and dirt had actually gotten in between the boot and the sole. Well, now I have to find new boots. Y’think? I have only the Docs and the loggers for wearing and the sneakers that are falling apart as well. New sneakers are about 60$ these days. I need to get to BTV and the Goodwills! I NEED MONEY too! And a car. I’m so fucked these days. – Well, the day went along and the rains stopped just in time for the sun to set. I actually saw a swarm of little black flies this evening! The temperatures didn’t go much higher than maybe 8°, but there they were, swarming already! Miserable, considering. Still, there’d been snow in the forecast and we didn’t get that so there’s something to be thankful for. – Meals today were an early chicken Ramen with the butter that was left and a few spoons of Kraft. I’ve had my tea for the night as VIV and I watched Laflaque and then Tout le Monde en Parle. THAT was interesting. But she suddenly disappeared from Skype so I just hit the “Airplane Mode” just before getting into bed. I just hope she’s gone to bed and to sleep. – As an “aside”, my stomach was off all day today. Just felt as if I had to dump all the time. Nothing’s in there to think about. I wonder what the hell that’s all about now. My guts seem to spasm when I pee and now this. Old age. No doubt. – Well, at the end of this day, time to ponder the beginning of the next (how cursed am I?) Tomorrow I need to “bag” the seed flats to keep them moist for when (if) they get used. I still have to figure out how to put a shelf on the back porch. B. wants me to put brackets into the wall. I’d prefer something less “damaging”. So I need to figure that as well. But after the seeds and such, I’ll try for a quick shower, dress and get to the PO to get the postage for Dan’s stamps. Then? I think I might need to get to St. Albans to the CU. According to the forecast, Monday and Tuesday will be the only two days of OK weather and then it’s back to the rain for the following 4 or 5 days. If that’s true, I’ll need the cash to go HOME to get smokes on Tuesday. (Since the Players go too quickly and the Québec Classique AND the Mark Tens are shitty, with US tobacco, I’ll have to do the extra 10km to Bedford and hope to get some GOOD smokes there…) – But for now, at 22.03, the house is quiet, B.’s in bed, Jester’s sitting at the edge of his bed with a little book-lite aimed at his computer (he’s shirtless, that’s how warm the rest of the house is, and I’m under the sheet, table cloth, Hudson Bay, sleeping bag and OWS canvas… with the heating pad on the 3rd light). L. was down-stairs, alone, watching TV but I think he too, has gone to bed. So the day IS done and the night begins and I must get ME to sleep! Especially if I’m to get to St. Albans tomorrow. – Goodnight VIV! Sleep well. And thank you for being in my life again… for what-ever it means.

Mon.28.Apr: 5.42 I woke before the alarm sounded this morning… at something around 4.45! 2° and a forecast for mostly sun! Hey! I just might get something accomplished today! (I’ve actually got almost a whole pack of Mark Ten, a half pack of Québec Classique and some Belvederes…. so we’ll see how MY energy levels are today. If I have any, I’ll head out for cash. If not, I’ll do that tomorrow. I don’t know. In any event, smokes aren’t a major issue this morning.) – There’s been “banging” at my door from since I woke. The dogs… 5.49 and I believe Jester has finally gotten out of bed to take the dogs out for a pee. I don’t mind taking them out when I go for a smoke and I certainly don’t mind playing Frisbee with Dixie. But there will be a line drawn and I will NOT get out of bed and delay my morning coffee when the dogs are across the hall… the WARM hall, for that matter and someone who HAS a dog is available to take them out. No no. Fuck that shit! Sit around on your ever-fattening arses all fucking day and expect ME to attend to YOUR “pets”? Blow THAT up your bung-holes. – And, on that note, my coffee is done and it’s 5.53 and I’m off for my smoke. – And it’s 21.15, I’m SHOWERED AND SCRUBBED and in bed.. hoping to get a good night’s sleep for tomorrow when I’ll be… WORKING! – It was QUITE the day today. By 9.00 I was out the door and in the dirt. Transplanted some bulbs from the back by the lilac to the front of the house. The bulbs were just “there”, as bulbs often are, and would have been mowed when the season starts. And I spoke about them with Jester who’d spoken about them with L. who said he wasn’t even aware of them being there. So now, they’re out in the front where they can be seen and enjoyed (and probably pissed and shat on by the friggin dogs… but I’ll hope not). Then, I started to clean the leaves from under the rose bushes (because they were annoying me), which led to cleaning out under all of the rose bushes and the flower bed along the phone company wall which led to cleaning out under the huge bush by the phone company wall, which led to… about 14.00! 14.00 led me to run over to the PO to post Dan’s stamps and fill in a little “Customs” form for them and pay the extra postage and get them out. Meanwhile, Aline had phoned to ask me to cover her tomorrow morning. Her cat got bitten by something and has an abscess. He’s an out-door cat (and can I ever identify with those!… My Noel… first and last, may she be at True Peace… where-ever her spirit is) and means the world to Aline and her family. Well, being in the yard all morning, I didn’t know but I told her ‘of course I can!’ and I’m looking forward to it too. – Well, the morning was done rather quickly (time and being busy and all) and I came back to the house and went to the barn thinking that I should get to the 2nd storey of the barn. I wasn’t really in the mood for it all today so when I got up there, I decided I’d just “tidy”. At 19.00 I was JUST getting into the shower!!! I didn’t get to the entire floor up there in the barn, but the main area is now (again) WOOD flooring! I DID IT! IT’S CLEAN! I opened the loft door and took the plexi out of the back wall to give ventilation and went at it… and through it. In fact, I didn’t even take the time to hook up any music! The only “break” today was a quick stop at the market for: 2 ice cream sandwiches, 2 cans of Coke, a bag of burger buns and a box of PopTarts. Imagine that! But the day went by SO quickly! As I was finishing the barn, Jester brought the dogs out and I sat in the loft door chatting for a bit. When the chat was done, I got a ladder, got up to the loft door and brought down TWO FULL BAGS of hay and such! Heavy shit, that! But it was worth the effort. The barn looks great! And I feel WONDERFUL to have it done! (I so wanted it done before leaving this house. It won’t make a damned bit of difference to anybody here, one way or another, but I started the job and now? I’ve finished it! I’m proud of me! And that’s all that matters.) – When I was done, I came directly into the house and went directly into the shower. Soap and Sunlight tonight! CLEAN! – “Dinner”: Ramen noodles and 2 burger buns with Kraft. (I’m having the choco-covered grahams now… with my tea.) – Ah…. and there’s “news”: Jester said, as we chatted, that L. was looking for me, needed to ask me what I’m doing on Wednesday. Says Jester “I seen you leave with a post office box or something and I thought you were gone.” Bloody busy-old-biddy anyway. However, as it is, the “Gurlz” are going for colonoscopies on Wednesday morning and I’m needed… imagine this… to drive B. to work and them to hospital… AND then drive them BACK to the house! Isn’t this all so special? (May I die on Tuesday night… please.) Says B. this evening: he was going to take the day off from work but because of his surgery and that he has to take 3 hours off on Friday coming (for what-ever), I’m the one who gets to schlep the Gurlz. How FUN?!? OK. It’s not that I particularly “mind”… but… Drive B. to work in the morning so THEY can have the car for the day (and not ask if I have any errands I’d like to run), re-claim the barn, maintain the grounds, and pay for the privilege and not a word of acknowledgement of the efforts. OK. So there we have it. – Enough on the matter. I’ll just be hoping that the Wednesday affair takes “Life” into consideration. Amen. – No VIV tonight. I went onto Skype but she wasn’t there. I left her a Goodnight message and logged off to come to bed. – Well… 21.40, time to finish tea, post this on-line and lights out. I’d like another smoke but I just had one and I’ve already gone through the half pack of QCs. So, best to post and go to sleep. – WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY! It feels so good to have gotten that barn cleaned AND… I got the six flats sacked and soaking and ready for seeding too! – Posted the image here (I’ll include it because it’s on the 2nd storey in the barn, taken today) to FB and Fran responded: “You are a beautiful person.” SHE is the beautiful person. Me? Just me… that’s all. But it touched me to see her comment. Nice to know I’m not on the World’s shit-list. – 21.43 Jester’s re-filling the air bed. Imagine. – I’m off to bed. FTS and good night!

Tue.29.Apr: 6.05 Nothing like sleeping through the alarm and waking at 5.32 instead of 5.00! And nothing like dreading going to work at a job that you looked forward to but now makes you ill at the very thought. Nothing like waking in the morning with the thought: Go ahead and complain and I’ll run the issue until HQ gets fed-up and closes the damned office. Today I was going to bike into the CU for cash and then try for Bedford. Today I’ll go into work and photo-copy documents and post the FS app. with stubs that will bring my income up to where my FS will drop for the next 6 months. How wonderful. But on the better side: no snow and no rain and no bitter cold. And there’s an old barn in the back-yard that’s truly quite amazingly clean! So, it’s a pretty good day… And, I don’t MUST be in the office until 7.30 so I still have plenty of time to gradually wake… and enjoy this morning’s coffee. OK. I stop whining now. – 10.53 ANnndddd we’re back at the house (with the trots). The morning went REALLY WELL!!! And the sun is shining and the breezes are comfy and the sun is warm and I need… NEED… to GTAFO!!! And so… I shall… Hungry though. Gee, I wonder why. But there’s no time for all that. I just have to decided: St-Armand or Bedford… and that will be decided when I get on the road. – Quiet house. Jester is awake but her ladyship is not… nothing new. – 18.10 And just back from….. BEDFORD!!!!! With 3 …. BELVEDERES!!!!! (19.18 now and in bed) So, I took a bit of a nap and woke a bit later than scheduled. It was about noon when I woke from what was supposed to be a 30-minute snooze. Got me together and went out back to clean the bike! There was a season and then some of road much and mud and such on it. And I used a bucket of rain water… nothing else, believe it or not, to clean it all off… nicely. The breeze was cool but the sun was warm and I decided… WD40 the moving parts and… a quick stop at the PO to drop my “Postal Employees Survey” (BFD), having posted the FS “review” before leaving the office this morning and it was on the road and up the road and to the border and HOME turf! The wind was coming out of the S.E. today and, according to the météo, at 17km/h with gusts of 30km/h. The trip North wasn’t at all too bad (since I was travelling in the N.W. direction and the wind was behind me most of the journey). The crossing was fine and dandy and yes, it was GREAT to be back HOME. I didn’t decide to head to Bedford until I got to the intersection of the Dutch and ch. St-Armand… but the trip had gone so well that far, I just kept right along… NORTH!. The road isn’t at all bad. No HUGE hills to climb and the travel went along quite well, indeed. – In Bedford, I looked for a dép but couldn’t find one! So I took a bit of a ride down the road. (I really should have stopped at the bridge and taken photos, but it was a bit over-cast and the wind was picking up and there was a bit of a chill to the air, so the next time I’m in town, I will MUST to take photos!) When the little shoppes and such ended, I turned round at a “vélo” shop and headed back into the centre of town. Stopped at an Ultramar whose sign read “dépaneur” and went in. The had Belvedere… “Spécial” which means… light. But the guy was kind enough to tell me where else I might try and the Métro next-door was mentioned so… In there, a wonderful lady got me to the counter and I GOT 3 PACKS! They’re more expensive though. Even with the exchange (plus the mandatory charge some place put on “forex” transactions), from André I usually get back at least 5$. Today? 2$ and small change. Still, it was worth it, as far as I’m concerned. – Smokes got and I was back on the bike and heading out of Bedford. It’s a delightful little town, not much un-like Sutton and with just about as much in the way of shopping and I AM looking forward to going back even if just for a browse. – Well, the trip back was almost a killer! HEAD-WINDS EVERY CM OF THE WAY! So I simply took my time and even walked quite a bit of the trip. There was little-to-no choice at times. The winds grew stronger and by the time I got to the border? BLAM! Thankfully not cold, but STRONG! none-the-less. The trip up took me jut over 2 hours. (Figuring I’d left the house at about 13.30 and it was 15.something-8 when I got out of Métro.) The trip BACK took about THREE hours! And I cross back into VT with-out any trouble at all! And the only stop I made before coming into the house was at the market because I was SO damned HUNGRY! (A tin of burger soup, 2 tins of fruit cocktail, a bag of crisps… I don’t know why… and a pint of heavy cream which I wanted at the time but now that I have it… not so much… but I’ll have some with the choco-grahams before going to sleep… What I’ll do with the remainder is a huge guess…) Bob was already here when I got back, of course. So I knew it was rather late, but I didn’t figure on it being as late as it was. Still, it was the head-winds and the walking and I don’t give a shit because I wasn’t “lounging” about the house all day. And tomorrow starts several days of RAIN again. So I’m quite happy with this day. – 19.43 It’s quite chilly in the room. The thermo reads 19° but I can’t seem to get the chill out of my body. So I’ve decided to put the heater pad on and get to bed as the wind slaps the flag out front, the wind-chimes chime and I try for comfy. – Jester and her ladyship are “laxatived” in prep for tomorrow. They can’t eat all day today so… Imagine THAT! B. is… probably in bed already. And me? Pondering watching something on the Internet/TV or something and snacking and going to sleep. – I dropped a brief message to VIV via Skype to say goodnight. And now? I wrap this up, see what I can find to “watch” for a bit and SOON… SLEEP! – Oh… Bob commented on the photo of the barn that I’d posted to FB (and here). He truly liked it! It’s the first photo I’ve posted that he’s not only “liked” on-line but mentioned. I wonder if/when he’ll venture into the barn to see how it looks… HAH! – OK. that’s it for this!

Wed.30.Apr: 5.37 NAST NIGHT! (Rainy morn.) I got engrossed in some videos on “How They Make” different things and it wasn’t until about 22.45 when I finally put out the light and tried for sleep… TRIED… because by about 23.30 I was back up, awake, taking the sweat-shirt off… OFF! SWEATS! WOW! It was interesting, to say the least because all evening, I couldn’t get warm and suddenly, I couldn’t get cool enough! The pillow was soaked (again) and I didn’t think I’d be able to sleep at all. But, after a bit of tossing and trying to get cool and dry again… I dozed off… for the night… until about 3.00 this morning when I woke again…. and then at about 4.00… and the alarm rang at 5.00 and I turned it off and almost dozed off again… and woke at about 5.15. At about .5.30 I heard Robayer call “Lyle? Are you gonna take a shower?… Well then you better get up and get started..” It’s 5.44 and……? – To be quite frank about this I-Haul day… I still feel they’ve got one fucking shit-load of nerve, dragging me into this shit. Seriously.. I doubt the packages are properly wrapped and all the parts included… for the lot. So, as the meme states:
People get angry when you treat them the way they treat you…
DECALISSE!
12.43 back at the house… and for a note done on the iPod as I sat… waiting… for the 2 of them to “wake up”:
8.10 NWMC waiting for the ladies. To think I’ll have to make this trip again, on the bike! Good thing I asked about the time this shit will take. “They should be out by 9.00 or 9.30.” But I’m sitting here with the car in the lot and no key. Trapped. And nothing was said to confirm that I was supposed to be here with them this morning. At the last minute I got summoned, with snarky tone of voice, by her ladyship. Bob simply got out of the car at a co-worker’s house; I was sitting in the back of the car and didn’t know the L. wasn’t driving. Then, a stop at McD’s so Maade could get… FOOD to be there, in the car, immediately after. When we arrived at hospital, they just got out of the car and strolled in. And we waited. As we waited ,I thought I could get to the CU a the very least, even walking (in the cold this morning!), but there’s just not enough time. So I’m trapped here to wait. And I’m having all to do to keep fro falling asleep! And thinking of getting back to the house, getting on the bike and on the wet roads. This is the last time THIS will happen! And they just told me “I can take you down to see Lyle.” Why the fuck would I want to go see Lyle? Seriously? A colonoscopy and what? I syoudl hold his hand? Maudite marde! Ostie! Décâlisse! Non… c;est la derniere fois! Mage ma marde, toi là! I must keep in mind:
People will abuse you only to the extent that you allow them to.. and, of course, they WILL try to push it to and beyond. – Well, 8.34… hopefully an hour to go. Now, to try to stay awake. – It would be nice if I could use the WiFi on the iPod here, but I don’t dare. –
That was the note done at hospital… and indeed, I waited.. and waited. Browsed a bit of FB and shit on the phone… the WiFi on the phone worked. I looked for the bus form the hospital to Walmamrde and noted that it passes every hour… I’d have to wait until noon! Then the phone rings: Bob. I was in no mood and no frame of mind to be civil so I merely grunted a bit here and there in the conversation. The old “If you’ve nothing nice to say…” and I had nothing nice to say so I said nothing at all. OK. That was the end of that and I continued to wait. A Nurse came out and wanted ME to sign some kind of form about “No travel, driving, etc. and resting for 24 hours.” BULL-SHIT! As if that would be any different from any other day of their lives. And when she asked if I had any questions, I simply asked “Why are you telling ME this?” Because you’re the one who brought them in. Right. I’m not the private Nurse. And when she asked my “relationship” with them, I told her “Chauffeur” and that’s what she wrote. Fine! Bloody Hell! THEN she tells me that there will be tests for L. that will take 10 minutes and that I could wait, But if they have to run anything else, I can take “Randy” for about 90 minutes and we can go and come back. She said she was going to try and get the car key… yeah sure… So moments later Jester comes out, sits down beside me and I just couldn’t speak, I was that boiling. He’s babbling about some kind of shit nonsense and his phone rings. He took the call out-side, came back in and went back to where, I suppose, Lyle was still “sleeping”. I was planning on getting the noon bus when the 2 of them came strolling out and L. announced that we were leaving. Fine! I mentioned coming back on the bike. He said I could run errands before leaving town if I wanted and that he needed to stop at Walmarde… for underwear and Borax! WELL!!!! As we drove I was thinking that I could simply strut over to the CU whilst they browsed about the store but… BUT… POWER BLACK OUT! All the way up to and including and beyond, the CU and Walmarde! There went their shopping and my banquing! Fuck me! So back to the house we came. – When we arrived… I LET DIXIE AND ELLIE OUT INTO THE YARD TO PEE AND SHIT! – Jester came out and I brought the other 2 into the house and left Jester in the yard. – 13.11 have had 2 peanut-butter burger rolls sandwiches and finished yesterday’s cream with a coffee and I need a nap! – 14.29 GOT IT!… the nap. BFD. Now, I wonder who’s supposed to be going to fetch Bob today. Surely, if the rest of them have any smarts at all, it won’t be me… but we shall see. – 15.50 Imagine… at 15.39 they took off! Got in the car and drove away… not a word… nothing. Consideration! Well, time to return the favours. I can’t get into the CU? I can’t get to do what I need to do. No prob. Fuck me? Fuck you. Nothing more to be said on the matter. – Temperature in the room: 16°. A mere 5° warmer than out-side in the rain. No prob. Don’t give a shit… on either side of the issue. And as for the “living month to month”? Hey… I work for what I get and in more ways than a job… I pedal to where I have to get to (or I walk). As with the PO: If I don’t do you any favours, you won’t have to return any… conversely, if you don’t do me any favours, I won’t have to return any. Va chier beaucoup. – 18.04 They’re baaaaack… But I wonder: Did the 2 of them think that I’d gone on the bike and wasn’t here when they left? Who the fuck can tell or know? Eh? Time for a ‘moke. – 21.14 In bed as the rain falls and the night air turns colder. A beautiful chat with VIV on Skype tonight. And a bit of chats with the guys on FB. A delightful way to wind a day down and to bring it to a close. And tonight, in spite of all the rest, I have to admit that I’m feeling quite grateful to have this room, cold and damp as it might be. I am grateful. –

Ann Marie:
When the World seems to approach the impossible and unbearable, always remember where you are and all that you’ve been through… not so very long ago. And never forget that to get through all of that, you certainly must be especially strong, stoic, and that you have knowledge that very few have… of people and of the World as a whole. And never forget that you made it through times that would completely destroy many, many others and yet, here you are today, still plugging along, communicating with others whom you may have met and others whom you’ve never met (save for the graces of “social media”).

You, Ann Marie, are no different from that guy. And these days, just like “those” days behind you, will become “the past”, and once again, you will have survived, in spite of great odds against you… because you certainly are strong and wonderful! And for all it’s worth, I consider myself quite fortunate to have made your acquaintance and am very happy to have been afforded the opportunity.
(To: AnnMarie Walsh… Padschicago. Posted to FB in gratitude for all those months on Twtr.)