Thu1Mar 8.35: At 0.58 this morning, the draining, itching, tickling ear woke me. And I noticed that the left sinus was swollen as well so the infection is similar to the past when I’d sit, with hot, wet compresses against my face, waiting for what-ever it is to burst. I wonder: Do I get cysts, like those that would manifest in my mouth, around the teeth that are no longer there? And if so, why? And where are they? What causes them? And what “damage” do they do? Well… maybe I HAVE come to VT for… the end. – I had a DREAM this morning: I was taking someone local out for a drive. She in her car, me, in mine. I knew of a store where Cyndi was rumoured to be working, here, in VT! So we drove by and, sure enough, she was there, in the store, looking out the window as we pulled up. She came out, composed, came to me and almost angrily asked me “What are you doing here and how long have you been here?” I was angry and told her I’m living here and have made my Home here, I’m Happy here and I won’t let her stay here, that I’ve made Good Friends here and with people who can see to it that she leaves. I want her OUT of the state. She pointed to some printing on my vehicle and in it, found the word “Real”. She said she never did anything to hurt me and then pointed to the print and said “See? ‘real’.” As I left, I yelled back at her, “You better get out as quickly as you can! You don’t belong here, I don’t want you here and I’ll get you out any way I can!” – Meanwhile… I woke at about 4.00, rang Adecco and Jeff, left msgs that I won’t be in today, and went back to sleep. – As for the ear, at 1.00, I changed the cotton, cleaned the ear with swabs. Brown, foul odour. Yup, infection. And me with-out insurance. Wellsir, when I begin to break even, something comes along. If it can’t be the car breaking down this time, it’ll be my body. But, of course, something will have to drain my finances, like my ear drains infection. – But it’s a GORGEOUS morning! A light, steady snow is falling and aside from “The Girls”, I’m “Home Alone” with much I want and need to accomplish. It’s peaceful… peaceful. – 9.52 and the snow has become SNOW! I’ve put the sweat-shirts in to wash. Radio Rouge on, quietly. Sitting in the chair, at the window, wondering how I’m going to accomplish errands today in a car that slides worse than a greasy White Castle burger. I need to get to the banque, pay rent, pay Doug, get something to irrigate this ear. Need to find another JOB! And I’m thinking of the Homeless here who have been thrown out into this weather to fend against it, while I sit here, 19,5•, chilly, by this huge windiw, watching the North Country turn to Winter. My ear is “drying” and my sinuses are draining. I’ve a bit of headache from it. But… but. – A message from Janice at about 9.00. I replied. No further word from her. – I can’t do anything until the wash is done… but there are things to do with this time at hand. Maybe the snow is my message: STOP! SLOW DOWN! We’ll see… as time passes. – 20.21 It turned out to be quite the day! The snows fell ever so softly and covered the trees beautifully. Just beautiful! At about 13.30 I showered, letting the water wash into my bad ear. Got dressed, shoveled the drive (and enjoyed it), then took Mesdames out for a stroll. On returning, got into the car and headed out… to Shelburne, to the banque, where I found more than expected! The rent is paid and Doug will get 100. Me? Well… the bills are paid. Came back for the 2 paintings and drove into Burlington with a stop at Kinney: TAB ointment, glass droppers, peroxide, cotton. I’m ready to atrack the ear! Next stop, Frog Hollow where I was told my paintings are “unique” (so much detail in water-colour) and that the “acceptance” takes about 3 months but that I should look into the many other venues meanwhile. Positive, all told. – En route back, gas and cigs. Gas prices rise by the moment of late and today’s cheapest, at Cumberland, 3,67$/gal! The rest is up to 3,82$! Insanity! Disgusting! Greed and gouging. – A stop at Goodwill… WOAH! A great shirt, reddish cord at 5,99; white polo at 4,99 and Levis 501, 32×36 at 4,99! Nothing blue or beige! – 20 McFukkitz for dinner and… Home, to shovel again. But GAHD! SO BEAUTIFUL with the snow and warmer temperatures! Just magnificent! Nothing like the quantity of snow I’d expected, but the quality is just breath-taking! I actually took pictures! – Just as I was finishing the drive, Steve came home. We talked. He’s very much alike: enjoys the out-of-doors and solitude. Hopefully I’m not an intruder on that, though, I spend little time “in the way”… I understand. – Well, the ear got a thorough irrigation this evening. Cleansed. And it was painless. -This evening, I sent text-msg to Doug. I’ll leave the cash for him in the car tomorrow. He actually thanked me! If he only knew how much I am thankful to HIM! This car has been a blessing! – A few msgs to Janice as well, – But tonight, msgs to/fm Motek! I sent photos of here, never expecting replies. He asks when I’ll be coming to NY… not “back” to… I miss him, would luv to see him, but tonight, I thought: I don’t want to go to NY to begin with and I don’t want to go with-out somebody from VT! Not that I fear being drawn back… just wanting to be with “People” from a peaceful place. I dread goimg to NY… even across Champlain. I just don’t want to go there. Anyway, the msgs with Motek were wonderful. Opened some old wounds, but… I’m glad we’re in contact, glad he’s in my “Life” and glad to know that I can still miss him… anyone for that matter. – Steve left earlier and is still out. The house is quiet and warm, 20.48 and I’m ready for bed. – Ear is clean. TAB and cotton in for the night. Silence. Alarms set for the morning. I’m expecting bad news on the job when I get in. I’m in NEED of the income now so now would be the perfect time to get the boot… and not in a “good” way. So, I’m preparing for it. – And so ends the day… I’ve little left of another week of work, but I’m in Northern VT and tonight… all is well.

Fri2Mar 5.17: Gave me more bed time again this morning. Steve spent the night out. In a way, it’s rather complimentary in that he trusts me in the house. – The “ear report”: slept rather well through the night. TAB on cotton seems to have worked well as far as stopping the itch, and removing the citton was much easier this morning. But even after all the cleansing, there’s still considerable drainage. I recall the first week at Chem when the left arm infected. It took a day to swell and almost 2 weeks to drain. The sinus infection in Nbg was similar; a day or 2 to get bad, a week or more to go. This will probably be similar. At least I now have treatment. – Conversely, this morning reality: the phone has to be paid by Sunday which means digging into the 5s. Well of course it does. And that will just clean them all out. Of course it will… leaving me back at… zero. Still… in the broader scope, debts are being paid, and TD is the only major issue at hand at present. If our Fed would learn to be as efficient as it expects its citizenry to be, that matter would be non-existent by now. But my time on Earth has proven: if there’s one guarantee in life, it is that one can never trust the Fed… other than to be given the shaft. – On the other hand, yesterday’s snows are still beautiful this morning. No doubt, the icy roads will be as well. – I expect to be slam-hammered today. “Thank you for your service but it’s just not working out.” It’ll probably come at 15.30 to make the week-end that much more pleasant. 96% productivity and a week of serious accuracy attempt will mean nothing on account of one bad week. I never should have attempted all that work with cracked fingers… still, had I not, I’d’ve missed a week’s income which would have put me back… into shelter-time. And here, THAT is NOT an option. – I need to get busy on my WorkingHomeless project. Busy on my ArtWork project. Busy on my Life. Tsamina mina zangaleywa and… KADIMA! – Les Madames are up and about. Poor creatures, left alone. They appreciate us so much. And yet, they spend so much time without us. Were it not for the fur and odour, I’d have them in the room, with me. But I can’t… not presently. And now, not with this ear infection. One stray hair and, well… – Kriste! 5.42 already! This is the part of extra bed time I don’t like. Well folk, it’s on with the day! I’ll be taking another one off next week (if I’m not “given the rest of my life off” today) to dedicate to the better job search. There IS better out there… and I WILL have it! – (On Saturday 8.15) It was a rather delightful day at the office, I was focused, my ear didn’t give me any trouble, and the day just went right on by. Doug came, as I worked, and got the 100 I’d left in the car for him, and the weather turned for the better. At 15.25, I was out the door and on my way into the week-end and came right home. It was still day-light too! – The greeting at the door, Les Madames, was, as it always is, a pure delight! They’re remarkably so happy and full of energy and always seem over-joyed when I come in. And I am equally over-joyed to see them! I’d planned to change clothes, run to TD to take care of the finances for the phone and then… enjoy the week-end for all it had. I felt good about the week of “accuracy and productivity” I’d put in at work and, by the way, the drive? Shoveling paid off very well… not a bit of snow on it! What wasn’t to be happy with? I came to the room and was almost finished changing… – *** 16.16: A call… Adecco. I knew, in some part of me, I knew. And some part of me unrealisticly refocused on “other” possibilities. I took the call, in the un-infected ear. And Hannah’s voice came through… “Are you finished with the day?” (Indeed. In spite of all the “mandatory OT” for the JPMC staff and me being barred from participating in it…) “Unfortunately…” (it was here, the word) “we have to terminate the assignment. It’s based on accuracy and productivity figures. Is there anything else there that you might be interested in?” SACKED! ONE BAD WEEK! NO CONSIDERATION OF IMPROVEMENT! NO OPPORTUNITY TO DISCUSS THE BOLD FACT THAT I’D BEEN MISINSTRUCTED! JUST PLAIN FUKKED! Well, OK then! Thank you “Chase”… NY or VT… it’s the same, miserable company. MY error was getting too complacent in there. I had trepidations from the start but allowed, enabled them. “Chase” is “Chase”. They ruined ChemBank… they’re just… NOT a “Career move”. And so… the voice on the phone today says “Call on Monday morning and have a good week-end.” Right-ee-o, yoobetcha. Fuk. (And yes, this IS posted on the Internet: “forever and unforgiving” just as I am… forever unforgiving. *** – Change of plans, I texted J.San with the news. Odd, but the communication method stayed at text, not voice. Interesting, even in a short while, in a still very new place, there’s someone to turn to here in VT. Anyway, I was off to banquing… to change/part with my VT tax refund and get the phone paid for the coming month. Now, I NEED it! Off to ShlbrnVill. – Since I’m going to need computer time in the days to come, I stopped in at the library to inquire about a card. A simple note confirming residency, even on a scrap of paper, would do. But I could use the computers anyway! WOW! It was… well… comforting and consoling and “Home” in my moment of turmoil. I’ll be back tomorrow, note in hand, and become more a part of yhis “Home”, this “Life” worth battling for. – Back at the homestead, les Madames and I went for a brisk walk-about. I met a neighbour, got my exercise and fresh air and enjoyed the company. As we returned, so too did Steve and Tara. Then a text from J.San… she was coming down with chili and cornbread made fresh today at a “Chili Cookoff”. The week-end was commencing in spite of the shit that’d been dumped, nose-deep, on me. And there was nothing I could do about the shit tonight, so… So. – Tara brought me a book: “Real Vermonters Don’t Milk Goats”. (I read half of it just before going to sleep tonight and LAUGHED until I cried in pain! It was a perfect, PERFECT way to end this day! In gut-wrenching laughter.) – The rent is paid now through next Saturday. Whew! – J. came, we chatted, not about the job and she insisted we go grocery shopping so I’d have FOOD for a few days. Road-trip to Hannaford’s where… beef stew became the item of focus. Ingredients for that, bread, ingredients for a “DumpCake”… and she offered to help with the phone: I give her the cash, she’ll do the pmt on debit! Saved me 10$ right there! We had fun in the market. She said that Doug had given her an unexpected favour/gift and she was passing it along by helping me when I needed. My Mum’s philosophy and Jackie Ebron’s words… ALIVE! – Coming back, loaded with bags of groceries, I now MUST cook! And hopefully it will turn out well, and Steve will enjoy the results too. – J. left, must’ve been close to 21.00. – This shit-day ended rather nicely. I irrigated the ear, crawled onto the cot, into the sleeping bag and read… laughing! until just past mid-night. – Once again, I’ll purge the scurge of Wall St from my life.

Sat3Mar 9.17: There’s stirring out-side my chambre door as I finish the accounts of yesterday. It’s already 3• out there and on its way to 10 or higher! It’s “Mardi Gras” in BTV. And… well… I’m in VT. There are a few things to be done with this day and then? – The car just started… T. is going to NH over-night. Too bad. Even though I try to be “low profile”, she’s actually very much a part of the week-end here. She’s the “energy” in the house where S. and I tend to be the… oh… quiet. – Time for me to get moving! Errands, accomplishments, ART, and who knows? Maybe even Mardi Gras… wher I just MIGHT be able to “chat about chase” (bay-bee). – Le Jour Se Lève! – 23.18 I have a Shlbrn Library card! i took a stroll along the lake! I COOKED beef stew! Janice came by with Fran tonight! The phone is paid for March (thanks to Janice). But I got a wicked sciatica attack just moments ago. Well, it couldn’t be ALL good now; could it? But what a day! – I’m still wondering how to break the lay-off to Steve. And even though I’ve still got one more cheque coming, THAT’S probably what the sciatica’s about. And the ear feels better, but there’s still gunk in there… odour… ick. – Steve’s home. – But the day is closed.

Sun.4Mar (on Mon 5.30): Woke this morning to the most beautiful, light, and softly falling snow. There was a rhythm to it, almost “composed” and chreographed syncopation. Really rather amazing to stand and watch. – The morning hours were invested in painting. I’m trying to put colour to the “Alaskan” charcoal sketch done, several times in the past. Not an easy task, but one that requires focus. I need that. And I’m managing to salvage the “mountain” painting. The sun-set sky over the rolling Adirondacks looks good, and the mountains are looking better as well! Todays’s lesson: “All” is never lost if we persevere (did I spell that correctly?). – I’d planned on being at FletchLib by noon, and to meet PJ there but time flew by as I painted. I didn’t get to the lib. until 14.00. Didn’t expect PJ to be there, but indeed, he was, sitting on the bench, waiting. He’s gained considwrable weight. Says it’s because we don’t meet any more and he’s been sitting at home eating his sorrows away. Interesting: I try to inspire him to getting out, getting to work, changing his course. He sits in the library, supposedly for 2 hours, and doesn’t avail himself of resources. As I learnt in the Shelter: one can’t inspire every-one. Try? Yes. Succeed? Not always. – We got a table. I grabbed a few pen and ink sketches of mine, from the ArtBlog, for inspiration, and in an hour, we left. The weather had turned quite nice. – I decided to check the Goodwills for a table-top and blankets (more blankets… it’s part of the “routine” of my life). I’ve no money to spend, but the browsing occupies my time. I need that, more-so now. But before going to browse, I came back to the house for cash (the 5s) and to show PJ where and how I’m living… also, so Steve could meet PJ. – The intro was int’resting. But the commentaries from PJ were most interesting: He appreciated the house and room but began telling me what *I* “need”: a bed, TV, recliner, Internet. That carried through to the Goodwill browsing. – The browsing, amazingly, brought nothing, in BOTH stores. Nothing purchased. Gladly. – But Goodlwill Williston brought a surprise… Paul, from JPMC! A bit of nice chat told: His ruse of “MchlBltn Cover Band” was a joke taken seriously. He and I agreed that the crew at JPMC aren’t the brightest. But he is in a band and has been rather successful. Meanwhile, I found that the fellow I thought rather “hot” really isn’t. Oh there’s potential, but not as I thought. And we didn’t get into my being sacked… or that they dragged him through muck but, because of age and the fabricated “band” fame, he got the breaks… I simply got broken. – Well, it got to be18.00 and timd to end the day. Brought PJ back to Winski and another tidbit: Supposedly he’s coming into his long-awaited money this/next week. He’s thinking of going to a motel, wants my advice on which one, what to do with the money and… the 11$ I’d given when last we’d met has become 7$. There’s a “little something” going on there. He still eants to go to Ptln OR, work with Homeless… go bsck to school. No real focus. Alas. Nothing I csn do about it. – I dropped him home and returned to the house for a chili dinner and a chat. – Matt wants to leave VT. Thinks SF will be better. How do they figure that else-where will be better? – Finished J.Sans’s chili. Steve had his pizza. I came to the room to paint and coomunicate with J.San whose replies seemed distant tonight.- At about 21.30… this day was closed! Tomorrow will be busy, tough re-starting the job-hunting, deciding how to break the news to Steve. But, this too shall pass… shall pass.

Mon.5Mar 5.30: Odd… it’s 19• in here this morning, quite snappy cold out, yet, I woke… in a sweat. It didn’t come as I woke, it was there already when the alarms woke me. And my ear feels some-what “packed”. Indeed… stress. But I’m holding my “normal” morning routine. – The Shlbrn Lib (ShlbrnLib) opens at 10.00 and I’ll be there, hitting the job-search. What I don’t accomplishe there, I can go to DOL for again… it’s legit. It’ll be interesting… no J.San. I’ll be on my own… again. But although there’ll be a cheque on Friday, my insides knot at the prospect of no income the following week if I don’t begin work THIS week! – Well… here we go… again. – And with the cold this morning… light snow on the ground. – 6.22 Steve up. Oddly, now I’m chilled… and TIRED! – 23.07 Yes, THAT LATE! I’m almost finished one painting and have begun a second… today. And as I journal, the temperatre in the room has gone DOWN to 23. (Tara’s here. The heat is up.) – Tomorrow, the libraries and Dept. of Labour, amonst others, are closed. Town Meeting tonight and voting tomorrow. I AM IN VT! HooHah! – But today… The weather turned rather OK, in a North Country sort of way. We saw sun-shine and the cold didn’t feel so bitter. I had 4 toasts with butter before getting on my way! – I got an hour on-line at ShlbrnLib, transferred the memory chip on the phone to the Flash (then removed the chip to decrease the power-drain on the poor old phone); printed the appl. for Frog Hollow and almost choked: 20$ appl. fee! Oh well… more deferred; tried to track my Fed refund but needed the exact amount (which I don’t remember) but did learn: 6 weeks average on a clean 1040… we all know THAT, for me, probably isn’t the case, even if it is. I checked Storage: only 40$ due in April and I sent a msg to use the BTV addresse for mail. – Headed directly to DoL and got word from J.San that she was in Winooski with 2 bags of food in her trunk, from Fran! We met out-side DoL and “made the transfer”. She put 1$ in the metre for my parking and we both went into the office. I have to say… she’s now rather distant. Could it be my “Chomeur” status? I wonder. What-ever. I busued with up-dating CV and registering with Dealer. J.San left before I did. I invited her to the house for lunch: busy Tues-Thurs. Fine. OK. – Went in search of the “Art Map” on Church. Not a one! Stopped at VT Bowl and Board, got a key tag: VT plate that reads BURLINGTON. The young lady in the store greeted me SO kindly! I’m “known” in town! – Stopped at PO for nothing. Headed home. – Quick stop at Dollar store: tarts, frosting, shampoo, and home to walk “les Madames”. – Steve and Tara arrived about 16.30. We schmoozed a bit, and I came up to paint… and nap deeply in the chair! I wonder: for years now, between 14-15.30, every day, I get SO exhausted! I wonder… why? – And so, the day turned evening. At 19.30 I heated half the beef stew snd brought it to my room. Hot and delicious! Steve and Tara had gone to watch TV. Quiet. Calm. Evening turned to night. Monday was “finished”. SHIT! And I didn’t work! – Fran’s bags? 3 gags of white beans, several pastas, 2 breakfast cereals, 2x1lb bags instant milk, a cake mix, some tinned fruit… as I recall. Food galore! I’ll have to begin eating breakfast now. – Day is done. Tomorrow, I’m hoping to get to tell Steve about the job. Didn’t whilst Tara was about. Why? Dunno. But I didn’t. – And on that: lights out! Tomorrow’ll be a dead day.

Tue.6Mar 7.00: I slept through a couple alarms this morning. Hmmm… Not good. But I was up until at least mid-night last. I don’t believe it’s any sort of depression. Still, it concerns me. I woke as Steve was leaving, I think Tara’s still here this morning, so there was no chance to “talk” with him about my (un)employment. But when the time comes… – Yesterday’s painting still needs work. There’s another on the way. I wish I had the money for gas to put into a car that would safely make the trip across the lake. I’d head over to the Adirondacks for some photos. Hell, I’d go just to see if I can still navigate Champlain and Plattsburgh… WellHell, if that were the case, I’d get stuff from storage! Now I have the time but not the finances… nor the vehicle. (In our talks, PJ had the whole thing wrapped: all talk about rentals… No sense of the cost. People seem to believe I’m rolling about in cash.) – Anyway… the town is, pretty much, closed today. I’ll be painting and working on cover lettres. If I can’t get on-line, I can prep for tomorrow. No time will go to waste. But even though it’s merely Tuesday, there’s the sense of “Urgency”. I have a dread fear of losing this place… and I will NOT go to shelter! N.O.T.! – Interesting: I woke to 24•… in only 15 minutes, we’re down to 19•! Perhaps Tara isn’t here… Usually, if she is, the house stays warm. Although, the 24 was rather uncomortably warm somehow. Hopefully it won’t go down much lower. It’s -15 out there, according to NOAA. But the sun is shining and the road is perfectly snow/ice-free. – 21.01 I made it through my first “Town Meeting Day”! Imagine? One of the aspects of VT life that I thought so intriguing, unique, admirable ends up being a detriment: I need to find work on a day when everything closes! Oh well then… – I painted all day… ALL day. Over-worked the paper on the St. Albans picture. It didn’t end as well as I’d imagined. It’s not a loss, but not a thrill. I’ll see where it goes. Maybe there’ll be a “salvation” for it. – Listened to VPR today: they asked “What is a VTer?” I was about to call but the programme ended. Interesting facts: People “from away”, making up 49% of the population, are the ones who try to squash any change to the state. “Flatlander” came about in the 70′s when the influx of people “from away” came and changed the population of the state. It was intended to be insulting but many just find it cute these days… like I do. Over-all concensus: VTer is more a state of mind. It was interesting listening… esp. when a Black woman called to say she’s been here 20-something years and finds VTers to be horridly prejudiced. All I could think was: And you stay? That’s stupid. – Finally realised that Tara wasn’t here when I went down for breakfast… Yes, breakfast. 4 eggs, 4 slices cheese, on 2 English muffins… and noticed no shoes, coat, etc. – Took les Madames out at 17.00 and enjoyed it! Steve came in at about 17.20 and took them again. I called to him from the window but he went with them anyway. Then I didn’t see him again until about 20.30 when I was out for a smoke and he returned with les Madames. – He now knows I’m laidoff. Didn’t seem too paniced about it. (The parents of the owner of Dealer.com live on the block! He says it’s s grest place to work! Mom?…) But of course, my closing comment for the night: I’m not in panic mode… yet. – But it is 20• and I AM tired! In bed, ready. Steve too. The day is done.

Wed.7Mar 21.48: SHIT! Wednesday is gone already and still no work! And I’ll say it again: NO NY and NO shelter (especially NOT in VT)! – That done… – Today began at about 6.00 with morning regular routine, but included more painting. I’m disgusted with what I’m producing. 3 pieces of crap! No detail. Certainly not “fine” art at all. I need better references… and local. Thankfully I’ve a library card and to-be-sure, the local books will begin. – I threw a few things (almost ALL of what I actually have here… a few things) in to wash. CLEAN again! Yay! Sleep sweats got a double wash too. – Breakfast: 3 slices bread with budduh. Not bad. – By about 10.00 I took les Madames out for a stroll in the WARMTH of this day! Truly, WARM! Sun and warmth! Glorious! – Then on with the necessities of the day: cigs and job-hunt. Up the Shlbrn Rd to Walgreens for a pack followed by a visit to Tourism for their ONLY copy of “Art Map”. Got to talking with the young lady there and when I told her of the RiverArtWalk, she recommended I speak with the So.BTV Arts! It’s on tomorrow’s agenda. – DoL where I completed the Dealer com application, checked the status of my Fed refund (received and due “within 6 weeks of receipt”… it went out on Monday, 30 Jan. Hello? When did they “receipt” it?). Then, for schitzengiggles I briwsed the USPS site and, to my complete amazement: PMR POSITIONS! One in N.Hero! I just about danced! Even here, it pays slightly less than Window Clerk but just over 12$/hr! OK! My time on the parking ran out so I jumped to the (empty) POB and then back to the house for a quick lunch of (finished) beef stew and a coffee. – To the ShlbrnLib to do the Postal app! Took me the best part of an hour but… I’m on the roster and ready to “test”. That has to begin tomorrow, on-line. But I believe I left no enemues in the USPS and I made sure they know I’ve been a PMR! I was actually giddy about this and even told Mama, I want this job! I DO! – Back to the house to walk les Madames. Just as we got in, Steve came home. He and I chatted a brief bit and both went on with our evening. – I had a bowl of cereal with instant milk (thank you Fran) and finished the paintmess nr.3. – Texts to J.San in Seussical style. – Then… it was late. A cup of oatmeal and here I lay me down to sleep. – Tomorrow’s pay-day. Today I’ve just over 1/4 tank of gas as 4×5′s. Tomorrow’s rent day. I NEED the Fed cheque AND I NEED s job!!! – But there’s nothing I can do about those things tonight so… Under the covers. It’s 22.16 already and 20• in here. The place is silence.

Thu.8Mar 7.00: This morning I WILL begin (at the very least) a note to Nancy! – After yesterday’s manic mode, brought on by the possibility of going back to PMR, this morning, brought on by the fact that another week of no income is coming to a close, is a bit more sombre. And today is pay-day… with no over-time and slightly less than 40 hours. I need to shake this mood lest it depress the potential for great accomplishments today. There is so much good lurking out there, in the great North Country and I can’t repel that with a negativity of mood. KADIMA! – Temperature at the airport is 11 already and forecast to rise! Rain after 14.00. But the sun is breaking through now and there are wonderful accomplishments waiting to be met in this day… and I am about to grab them and claim them as my own! – Waking at 6.30 is not in my best interest. – But the forecast on NOAA is too funny this morning. A rather stereotypical VT; as is said here: If you don’t like the weather, wait 5 minutes…
Today: Showers after 3pm. High near 57. Breezy. Gusty. Chance of precip 90%.
Tonight: showers before 2am then scattered showers bet. 2-3am then scattered snow showers after 3am. Low near 29. Chance of precip 100%.
Friday: Scattered rain after 5am. High nar 37. Chance of precip 30%.
Friday night: Scattered rain showers before 7pm then scattered snow showers bet. 7pm-1am. Low near 16.
Saturday: Mostly sunny. High near 33.
Saturday night: Low near 29.
Sunday: Sunny. High near 50.
(They should add: But then again, who knows really? After all… this is VT. No telling.) – 7.30 Time to “accomplish”. – 22.58 and did I “accomplish”! Re-arranged my “work area” to better access the day-light and, in so doing, I get “Rouge FM” MUCH better. – Took les Madames out for a stroll and headed directly to DoL to complete the Post Office application. The computer was DISGUSTINGLY slow but persevereance pulled me through and on Wednesday afternoon, I’m to be in Swanton to take that damned test I’d taken in NY! But this one, though the same test, is only 90 minutes as opposed to the 4 or more hours of the last time. I’m psyched! Quick! Now, let the car (and gas) hold out! – Csme back to the house for a quick lunch at about 13.30: turkey, mustard and cold cereal with instant milk, coffee. – Erroneously, I rang Adecco, thinking today was Friday! Anne was sweet and said “Nope. Nothing.” You and your company are bullshit darling, and I know it. JPMC is your sponsor snd it’s all you have. My “Hope” certainly isn’t in Adecco any more than it ever was in Chase. I keep my own search going quite strong. – Next, a trip up to SEABA to chst’n’scmooze. ODD… Janice knows the Exec.Dir. (Said to say Hi for her. She had a crush on him in college. I have the crush now… dear Adam.) – Whilst at SEABA, a phone call; Steve! Unusual for me, I took the call. He was to be late home and would I walk “the Girls”? Well of course! A pleasure! They’re the sweetest part of living here! – And so, I chatted a bit longer wuth Adam, browsed the exhibit, being in no rush, and left to head into Shlbrn library to print the paper-work r/t the job at the PO. – The weather was just amazingly warm, over-cast, but almost uncomfortably warm. A great day to be out and about. Off, down the Shlbrn Rd to… Oakledge Park and the “Forever Young Treehouse”! I took a couple photos and walked down to the lake. Ice on the rocky out-crops in contrast to the warmth in the breeze. And, as once on the shores of Fort Tilden, here, a heart-shaped stone, wirn smooth by the waters of Champlain! What are the chances? TWO heart-shaped stones, so far apart from each-other! And I thought: This time is being forced on me. How often have I wanted to SEE my new “Home” but have been too busy? Now, even in my “busy”, the “time” is here… NOW! And a HEART! – To the banque next… for… the coming week’s rent! – It was there (with precious little to spare)! Relief! I left enough for emergency gas, because Wednesday, I’ll NEED it! – The visit at the ShlbrnLib was really pleasant, as always. I browsed some books for painytng references whilst waiting for a computer. HOWEVER, just as I’d done when I called in to frigginAdecco, my brain was set on today being Friday! I mentioned it to the young fellow at the desk who kindly assured me: it’s Thursday. What the…? I’m skipping days here! Not good. But I got an extra day out of it and lots of time to browse the library! Well, OK then. – Checking my e-mail, ANOTHER JOB POTENTIAL! Customs! I went for it! Positons open in Champlain(NY… my old familiar crossing) and StAlbans(VT… of late, my new “Home”)! How wonderful! The prelim. application process was a lot of questions concerning directly related experience, disheartening but I don’t care. Everybody has to start SOMEwhere! I completed the app, sifted through e-mails and got a few web-shots for more paintings. Suddenly… it was almost 19.00! In the warmth of the evening, I bolted for home feeling a bit on the “Positive” side of life. I might have just skipped a week’s income but my determination and efforts are in FULL SWING! In my life: A door has closed but there’s a sunny window, wide open and beckoning me to climb out and into the fresh world! There are more opportunities and at jobs I’d rather have than that slavery at JPMC! And I will be in one of them… promptly. – At home, I bolted in, got “the Girls” and we were off for a stroll, down the peaceful, empty, dark, warm riad. They were so excited to see me and I was equally comforted to see them! We had a quick stroll and after settling them in, I WALKED up to the deli for cigs (and, simply because… a bottle of VT vodka and some tonic… I’m going to relax on the week-end as much as possible, preparing for Wednesday!) The walk was just magnificent! Dark, as night SHOULD be, windy, warm. A moment to un-wind and dispell the chaos of the day. Chatting with the guy at the deli made it all… “home”. And I treated me to… an ice cream sandwich! fir the walk back! – When I got in, I felt for the Girls, having been so alone and “Daddy” being so late tonight. I put on the flip-flops, grabbed the library book and sat, dion-stairs with them, to wait for the head-lights in the drive. It was SO PEACEFUL! Serena started to howl, head up, long, soft, like a lone wolf on a great mountain. It was haunting, beautiful, heart-touching. Here, by the great Champlain, in the “Champlain Low-lands” of New England, as the Winter winds kicked up out-side…. Then, at about 21.00, the awaited head-lights appeared! The Girls were all excited! “The Pack” was complete! It was a precious moment. Just precious. – Steve was exhausted. I was ready for retiring. And so, we brought the day to close. – I came up to my room, poured a light drink in the LandTrust mug and FINALLY put ink to paper and began a note to Nancy! It was 22.47 when I began and 23.10 when I crawled into the sleeping bag on the cot and… the end of this day… this THURSday. – A nite: Daylight Savings begins, AGAIN, ALREADY, THIS SUNDAY! LOSE evem MORE time! Jeezis Kriste!

Fri.9Mar 7.55: Sun is shing. Light dusting of snow on the world. “Rouge” on the radio. 17• in here… back to “normal” chill. And there’s another day, a FRIday, ahead and this WILL be a good, good day! – 23.34 SNOW! Just finished a smoke at the window and, after a normally over-cast day? Snow. The North Country. It’s a delight to the soul being here. – This morning was really quite busy. After coffee, I dressed and went down-stairs to cook. A whole bag of white beans, 2 onions, the rest of the celery and mushrooms. Well, 1 bag cooked-up quite large! But it made for a great “soup starter”. Worst part: the whole house smelled like onions! In spite of spraying Febreeze and air freshener. – As the beans cooked, I Hoovered the house, thoroughly. Accomplishments du jour. – Cooking done, all went into containers and out on the back deck to cool, I cane up to shower. – By about noon, out… I wanted a fountain pen to write to Nanc. It kills me that my pen is still in NY… I ABSOLUTELY MUST get that stuff up here! Am thinking of putting the tax refund (IF it ever gets here) into the car and chancing the drive.) – En route, a stop at Shlbrn Rd Goodwill to browse. Not a thing. (In the parking lot, a text from J.San: I should go up and spend the night. If the car was good and I could afford the gas…) Across the road to CreativeHabitat; the Shaefer fountain pens are bulky, ugly, costly and made in bloody China! No wonder nobody here can find work! Our government, elected to serve and protect, has sold us out, COMPLETELY, to China! Fuk us! Eh? I browsed frames. Costly. Chinese crap. Off to Staples in the Williston Rd. Not one fountain pen! Refills, but no pens! And so, Michaels and more costly, bulky, plastic Chinese shit! It was already almost 17.00! I was pissed! BUT the Mobil and Shell there had gas at only 3,68$/gal! Else-where it’s up to 3,87$! I had to drive into BTV/UVM to turn round to come back to get to the gas. And I was almost at empty! 20$ later… over half! WooHoo! And I was off to Goodwill Williston… shitzengiggles. – OK. A delightful (green) jacket, fleece-lined, John Deere logo 7,99; a beverage glass (Pom Tea) ,99; TWO frames, not bad, glass and MATS… the kindly cashiere rang’em up at 1,99 each! Well! OK then! Off we went, into the darkness, across the road to AC Moore where… NO Fukking Fountsin Pens! And I passed the 50% off frames sale. They do have water-colour paper and, well, quite a bit o’ stuff to remember. For about 5$ I came out with 50 tea lights, a bag of white chocolate (I needed something to “eat”) and a terra cotta pit dish upon which to set my beverage glass. – HOME! It was already 19.00! Shit! The day sailed away swiftly! – Steve and Tara were here. Today is Tara’s 41st b’day. They were half in already. (But I gave Steve the rent. Whew!) (He’s already discussed my employment situation with Tara… I now wonder what the coming week will bring round here.) – I quickly heated a portion of beans, needed something in my gut, ate and retired to my room, to put 2 paintings into the frames. Janice likes the red barn so much, I’ll give it to her, framed. – The night went on. Steve and Tara spent their time in the kitchen. I listened to “Rouge FM” and recorded most of “Comme Un Oiseau Qui S’envole” onto the phone! Maximilien and Harmonium… a magnificent past, beautiful memories, and the music? Gone! And the hatred for the useless shit some call my “siblings”? Still burns in a Hellish rage. – At 23.40, a food delivery… in the snow. And shortly there-after, lights out, radio on low. Friday was officially, for me, deceased. – I had 2 drinks however… hoping to sleep heavily throught the night. Steve and Tara were SO quiet!

Sat.10Mar 8.03: This morning I can unequivocably report: Low-end VT vodka is… NOT worth the buzz. BANG! My head feels like a place old spiders go to die. (Of course, I drank at the end of a day of no eating too. One small serving of white beans was not enough.) – It’s 19• in here and I’m a bit schwitzich. – And the little bit of snow that fell last night? More followed as we slept, but it looks quite pretty in the radiant sunshine this morning. – Oh! And to think; tomorrow at this time it will be 9.09! Shove me an hour closer to next Saturday when I’ll have to face not having the rent. Jolly! – 23.27 Wow! Did THIS day ever turn out! Janice came down to BTV with Stephen for the afternoon, I met them at Pizza Putt (an amazing sort of place for breeders and their off-spring… children ALL over the place! Dear god! Nightmarish in that respect, but what a marvel for children! Games, slides, entertainment and such). Stephen xoerced me into joining him on the tube-thing and I actually went down one of the tube-slides! HATED it! But by gid, Janice laughed so! It was heart-warming to see her laugh. (Imagine: she and I are out of work, she has Debbie and Aunt Deb to “help” pay the bills, I have nobody to help me, but it does my heart so much good to see her laugh in these miserable times.) But we did manage to enjoy. I bowled at their little “bowling lanes”. I’d call it “boules”, they csll it something like “candle pins” or something, miniatre bowling. 190 I think I bowled. It’s been YEARS… Tuesday night mixed league in Parkchester… Naples Terrace? I believe so! – Off to St. Michaels after for dome event that had closed by the time we’d arrived. But the route took me over Airport Pkwy where I’d WALKED in our first “snow” of the season to be fingerprinted for bloody JPMC. It was quite the walk, now that I drive it. Shit! What I went through for that fukking miserable bloody job! Anyway… Stephen wanted ice cream, so they decided on “Friendly’s” which, when we arrived, shortly round 17.00, was closed. I-Hop… U Mall. They “ate”. I had a salad… greens. Good for me… and the cheapest thing on the menuat 2,99$. Coffee too. – Across the mall to “Paint and Play” where we painted plaster-cast items. Stephen, not thinking cost and mother not establishing conservative boundaries, did 4 itens at 8,98$ per. I did a fridge magnet. I must admit, it was fun! And their radio played oldies! Maybe 40′s-50′s? I sang along… freaked a bit. – We left, we strolled the mall, browsed a book store. Janice and Stephen both rnkoy book-store browsing. SO refreshing! Then back to Paint &c. to retrieve our pieces (Janice dud a maple leaf, Stephen did a porpoise and some trains) and, at almost 20.00, we parted from the parking lot. It was an amazingly marvelous day! – At Paint &c. Stephen made a comment: after Janice made some retirt about hating me, he chimed “Why doesn’t my Mom love you?” and Janice replied “He’s talking like a 6-year old.” Hmmm… Perhaps it’s time to “talk” with her? – Well, it was almost 20.00 when we finally left the mall! The day slipped by so quickly. – On the drive back home, back roads, I was, again, amazed: 4 months here, I’m driving back-roads! Comfortably! It’s “Home”. I actually belong here now. There is no NY. It’s gone. THIS is “Home”, right down to its tribulations. But there is NO NY any longer. That’s gone… gone. Gone. And no regrets. Gone. – Stopped at the Shell for smokes and chatted a bit. I don’t know if they think me “local” or “Québec” but for fux sake, we chat as if old neighbours! Yessir, this is “Home”. – At the hone-stead, all was well. I schmoozed with Steve and Tara. Steve commentedon how I’d cleaned this morning’s kitchen mess. I impressed upon him (I hope) that I simply did it, don’t care, it needed to be done and so, got done. (Ad I say: BFD… big fukking deal) Tara mentioned hearing me sing snd complimented me HIGHLY! – This is a place where, if you’ve a dream or notion, it CAN become reality. Like no other place on Earth. Singing? Art? WorkingHomeless? – (“He’s On The Beach” playing. The song actually hurts… hurts… Rockaway… hurts.) – I came up to my “chilly” little room. The rest of the house is actually comfy but this is the coldest apit: 18,5• at 0.12! It’s this room! – Started a new sjetch fir painting (Tara would like one for her Mum). Texts to/from Janice. She thanks ME! I thank HER! – 2 drinks, not helping with fatigue. – The 2 are in the bed-room presently.I’m ready for under-the-covers. A bit fatigued but… -”Morning After” playing… 3150 Rochambeau Ave A67, 10467. That… will NEVER go away! Some things just don’t. But the music doesn’t “hurt” now. It only brings memories… that don’t hurt. Have I given enough pain to memories or… is that part dying? – Bloody Daylight Savings kicks in in 2 hours. FUKME NOW!

Sun.11Mar 10.51: My body is still an hour behind, though my mind is on time. Daylight Savings… disgusting. Life isn’t tough enough on us and this, adjusting and re-adjusting to a damned clock! Add the fact that I’ve put in days and dates through the week… Car payments, storage payments, phone payments, RENT PAYMENTS! And NO income! It’s making me physically ill. – But after going to bed at midnight, chilled right into the bone, I woke, on my own, at just past 8, to another brilliant mornong. And now I’ve 2 pencil sketches awaiting colour. I suppose that’s “productive”. – Am waiting for the text message from Janice. She’d said she was going into BTV today. I’d like to get to the FletcherLib for some WiFi, post last week to the main blog, check e-mails. At least I’ve another hour before the library even opens. Sunday… And I think of the people in the shelters, being tossed out into the streets this morning. And the guys at 30th Street, able to enjoy a relaxing day, lounging. Wow! THAT’S actually “civil”… human, humane. – Well… on with the colours… Covered bridges… New England. I live here now… New England, The North Country, Champlain Valley. – Accomplishments of this day? A few curt texts from Janice who is in her iwn little depression and wants to become a recluse. (Debbie took Stephen to paint more plaster things this afternoon… something, though not my business, should not have been done, considering finances? I suggested home-made play-dough casts and paint but…) So at about 15.30 I went into BTV to the library to transfer a week’s Journal and scan e-mails. (One e-mail fm PJ about “hanging” this week-end mentioned being in a position to leave the house in Wnski… I wonder if his money has come in… and I still remember howbthe 11$ I gave him to cover his “medications” became 7$ and that this e-mail made no mention of repayment. I see him blowing these “thousands” in no time, either on bull-shit, or going back to school for something useless, and either getting stuck right where he is or going to a shelter or… GOD FORBID, looking to ME for help. I’m in no position to do that now and, considering his attitude toward working over the holidays, as with the 30th Street guys: Nope… PANTOUTE!) – Also, changed ThumperNYC to BTV. Imagine that! And… returned home. Steve and Tara went to market and I dumped a tin of tuna into a container of beans, heated all and came to my room to eat and paint. – Tried a few up-lifting texts to Janice, to no avail. I can’t help but think: when I was in the predicament at North Star, her “support” was curt and simple and making light; I’m in a situation where there’s no one to back me while she has 2 incomes… almost 3 with Andrea, and she’s in a spiral nose-dive; all the while, I’m trying to be supportive, a Friend, and it’s being popped off. OK. I suggested getting together, strolling ShlbrnFrm tomorrow, just to get away, relax, enjoy the lake and mountains. No reply. I gave up. No sense pounding at it. I’m entitled to my own depression, I believe with my all that the sacking was a concerted effort, the “200 errors” were falsified (all coming fm the VT office) and that Adecco should have seen it coming when Ms. Gen Beliveau started singling me out and I teported it. But, be that as it may, I persevere… not crawl-up, curl-up and away. So… let it bloody be. – I painted until about 22.20 and hit the sack… sleeping sack, to-be-sure. Sunday’s dead… an hour earlier (DST).

Mon.12Mar 2.43: Yes, that’s correct. It’s 2.43 in the morning. I went to bed at 22.22 in a room that absolutely reaked of cigarettes, fell asleep thinking of the expenses that are about to SLAM me in 3 weeks, wondering how to get the car fixed and into NY to empty storage, where to put it in the event I have to leave here because I won’t be able to pay the rent, where I’ll go because shelters are out of the queation. Then, at 2.13, I woke, hit the loo to pee and put some paint on a covered bridge, had a smoke and checked the weather: sunny and about 12•. Discovered THE PHONE HADN’T BEEN CHARGING! I NEED A NEW PHONE NOW TOO! Maybe it’s time to give up MetroPCS and go “WalMart” as Doug suggested. And then there’s Doug: I owe him for the car, the inspection and registration are coming due. (And Janice is in depression?) – 3.15 Just finished yesterday’s entry, it’s 22• in here and 1• out-side. But chilly in here. I’ll hope the phone charges, and try to go back to sleep for a few hours as the paint dries. – PS: I’m not “consciously” depressed… Concerned? Indeed. But there’s no time fir the luxury of a “Depression”. (30th Street all over again.) Goodnight/morning, wtf. – 7.42 and yes, I’m awake and yes, presumably alone in the house. Seems I slept through the alarms… all 6 (unless the phone didn’t charge). – I woke out of a dream: Moe and Ev. I was at their house, on a sofa or bed, Moe sat at a desk in the room, Ev went to a large metal cup-board sort of thing and opened it. It contained all sorts of their papers and files and stacks if bundled cash. I shouldn’t have seen the cash, so I closed my eyes, feigning a return to sleep. When I opened my eyes, slightly, I saw Moe inquisitively looking at Ev who looked at me then him and nodded. She had a rather stern appearance as she did, and she removed a bundle of bills and closed the cabinet door. I wondered; was the nod an acknowledgement that I’d seen the money or, as Moe had actually done in the past, a nod of agreement that they were giving me the money I needed to pay my expenses? I woke… – I’m not going to dwell on this one. It is what it is; a dream born of an obvious concern. And it’s a “fragment”. (Although Talmud says that the dreams from which we wake are the only dreams we should heed. OK then.) – 17• in the house abd no snow left on the ground out-side. – And now? Back to painting. – On Saturday, Janice said she knows someone who has an exhibit coming up some-where and he’d be glad to let me share some of his space. I need to do “serious” work (especially since I don’t recall WHEN she said this exhibit will be). – And I need to start “collecting toilet tissue again. Not that that has anything to do with anything. Just a note. – 5 cigs left in the pack this morning. Titre-down time… again. – Round about noon, Janice texted: would I like to see her favourite nature spot where she escapes to? Well, for art inspiration (and somewhere new), yes! She offered to come fetch, I suggested I’d drive. She said it’s in Essex… there are 2: County & Jct. I didn’t ask. But whenShe told me where, exactly, I looked at the road map. Little Indian Brook, the Jct. OK! Meeting place? She kept popping places as if I knew where they all are! I know SOME of this area but not ALL! It’s been only 4 months and I’ve not had much time to explore. Finally she came up with a place… I finished my painting for the day and got ready for muddy. – It was a great day, weather-wise: the sun is very earm abd yet, the air still holds Winter. – To the PO with only a trace of Hope the cheque would be there. It was not. The Federal carrot remains tied to the stick, dangling in front of me as my expenses and anxieties continue to rise. Batards! – Off to the land of Essex! and the Lowes there-in. We arrived almost simultaneously! – Part of the drive to L.I. (funny, that: Little Indian, L.I.) reminded me of a road outside Kerhonkson; the dirt road to the lake reminded me a bit of the road to G’s! But in spite of it being compacted dirt, the mud made the bloody car slip and slide as though on ICE! It was nightmarishly horrible! I KNOW this damaged something even further! And I NEED to get to Swanton on Wed! – Well, we made it. Not too unlike a very miniature Minnewaska. Quite beautiful, calm, serene and WOW! MUDDY! But, ’tis the mud season… that “thaw”. – We weren’t out of the cars 3 minutes when she says: “You didn’t tell Doug or Mumzy that you’re not working…” Well, here comes the small town small state. I was miffed, to be honest. “I didn’t know it was required! I’ll be sure to post in “7 Days” immediately!” My annoyance noticed, the subject changed. – I gave her the framed/matted “Winter Red Barn” painting that she liked so much – painted at the BelAire. (She opened the bag when we were ready to leave… “Awesome!” she called it.) We walked a bit, talked work and joked. (It’s been established now: “I’m certainly not Straight.” I told.) – As we walked, Janice got a bit weak. We cut the stroll short as she said: You can come back anytime, the path goes up and around. We went to the car where she’d brought 2 salads. We lunched at lake-side when she announced she’d errands and had to leave. I could find my way back. (Well, yes. But I wasn’t really too sure.) She left, and I drove SLOWLY back over that slick mud road… alone… looking for Mansfield. As long as it was behind me, I was headed in the right direction. Landmark. O.K. then. – My drive took me rught into EsxJct. I wondered, as I have many times: did Gerry Greenland ever leave? He hated this place SO much… almost 40 years ago. Imagine, 40 years later, I still recall the living-room floor in NwWindsor. It was the 1st time, I didn’t resist, I was intrigued and, as was my life then, if it made him happy… 40 years later, here I am, 100′s of miles away yet, back where it started. – Rush hour in Winski was horrible! And the car let me know, in no uncertain terms, it would NOT survive NYC… alnost stalling in traffic. Fukme! – It was a relief to pull into the drive and it was already after 17.00! I get the Girls ready and we headed out for an evening stroll. They’re SO wonderful to come home to! Kriste! The JOY! Stupendous creatures, just bundkes if furry LOVE! – We strolled a bit and I came in to get back to the painting. – This evening I got to stroll with them, and Steve. A great close to a great day, all told. – Continued painting until 22.30 with texts with Janice, back and forth during. – Monday gone… the dreaded week-end is one day closer.

Tue.13Mar 6.51: I woke, un-provoked, at 6.00 this morning and went right to morning routine, and into painting. It’s back to a “compulsion” and not a past-time or something that simply needs to be done for the sake of doing. The “Artist” has returned. It’s come back to “Profession”. Last night, Janice referred to her “artist friend” and it makes me wonder: In NY I’m consudered an Artist; here, am I just someone who paints pictures? Oh well. – Weather today: rain and thunderstorms… perfect for water-colouring! Very warm 16• forecast. At 6.00 it was already 14 at the airport. In here, a chilly 22. – Tuesday… not Wednesday. Not Mittwoch… May this day linger. I dread Wednesday, a little because of the car and trip to Swanton, mostly because of the rent! – As I painted, the skies clouded and, in silence, at 10.47… the clouds opened and pummelted the house with RAIN! But, for all of maybe 5 minutes and then? Brilliant sunshine! I opened the windows and put some clothing into wash as I continued with the paintings. – Had breakfast this morning! 2 eggs on toast wuth 2 slices cheese and a small breakfast cereal with a cornbread. FOOD! – I gave in to the passing moments of fatigue during the day and napped twice. Both times, woke from disturbing dreams. Depression is encroaching. I’ve no time for it though and let’s face it: I didn’t give-in to it at 30th St. (I came to this point in life well prepared.) – At about 15.30 I had to get out of the house! The wonderful weather was passing with no guarantee of repeat… and I wanted to return the library book and pfutz on a computer so… showered and OUT! HOT! Sun was TERRIBLY hot! So much for coming North for “cool”. To think, I feared this… no Northern escape from the miserable heat if NYC. It’s arrived. – At ShlbLib the book returned, checked the FedTax status: same shit. Pulled a few photos of art-work from the FlashDrive for references AND the great shot of the fellow on the Q53 who I’ve come to think of as “OMG”. (I regret I never even spoke with him.) I now have him as “wallpaper” on phone and iPod. Why? Parce-que, tous simplement. Juste… – Breezed through several e-mail accounts, changed my photo and sign-on on Thmpr(NYC to BTV) twtr. – By 17.30, I was back home and strolling with the Girls in the evening warmth. It was rather stupendous. – In to a “dinner” of boxed mac’n’cheese with some white beans and… back to painting! – This evening, I wanted a pack of smokes but didn’t want to use the gas in the car for such a relatively short trio so I took the walk. It’s really pleasant to walk up the road, in the dark, through the trees. Then comes the 7, with traffic. Even though, it still intrigues me how foresight of this state provided sidewalks in so many places. VT truly is a friendly place. – And so, on return, a smoke, a bit more painting and by 22.30… late again… to bed. It was… Tuesday. – Tomorrow? The anxieties of the car, the travel, and the excitement and anticipation of a journey… NORTH! A new place. And NORTH!

Wed.14Mar 7.22: Up 2 minutes before the 6.30 alarm as Steve left for work. – As is the routine of late, I got right into the work on the paintings. They are my “profession”, my “occupation” now. – At about 11.30 it was yime to prep for the road trip. Shower, dress and pray that the trip be successful, and the results be worthy of the anxieties. At the same time I was excited… NORTH! to an exotic place called Swanton: land of CIS, tiny town of no particular personality or attraction. A “Northern Town”… In the rain. – By just past noon I was in the car and on the road thinking I’d take the 7 all the way. I got as far as Winski, the 1st Shell station where gas was only (only) 3,76$/gal, put 20$ into the tank (almost FULL! Yeah!) and when I got to the turn-off fir the 89, snap-decided to take IT instead. A rather nice drive, in spite of the misty drizzle all the way. I thought back to the mornings and evenings if commuting, in the dark, snow and ice, along the same route and how much of the land-scape I’d missed along the route. I thought of how “Northern” it all looks, not at all un-like its brother-route, the “Adirondack Northway” on the western side of the Champlain and how my Soul comes to Life along that route at this point over there. How the land flattens at this area, beyond the Adirondacks as it approaches “La Prairie” de Québec. It’s not so dissimilar over here, in New England, and that rush of energy kicks in here as well. Passing exit 19 I got to see the area that I’d driven that once, when I headed into St. Sébastian, in the dark. I need to take that journey again at a time when I can see where I am, where I was. But today, I was at a place called St. Albans, and it was familiar. This place has become familiar, “Home”, in such a short while… and although not “perfect”, it is still a wonder and a delight. – 13.19 Swanton. Early! 40,08mi. The hood of the car is steaming. Over-heated? Shit! What next? Front end wobbles, “EGR” valve, bad tyres, the air-bag light, timing, possibly the alternator and 1700$ still due, registration, inspection, insurance coming due! I should be collapsing under all of this… abd this is only the car! – Debbie rang as I approched St.A. Me, driving 100km/h on the phone. How we’ve dropped NY and assimilated into this Life. She was headed for the library but would try to be at the house when I got there (I have some-where to visit “up here”. How Life has changed!) Montréal on the radio. – Oddly enough, I find that I no longer think in English when alone. When not with other people, the radio is French and so, I suppose it becomes the language of the brain… Hey! It’s returning! I never would have thought that possible! One day… back to Québec! – In the parking lot in Swntn, Passing time in the car. I’ve arrived an hour early! I just hope this plastin (plastic & tin) box makes the trip back! – Well! That was… hardly worth the drive. The “proctor” started me on the test almost immediately! 5 of us in the “space” (not a “room”). A C.O. too. So there were multiple tests going on on the same room. – I got started… 14.10. I just git really calm, went through the damned thing, even the “Panic” part… finished and looked at the clock… 14.45! I couldn’t believe it! Well! Figured I’d go to Hannaford’s St.Albans for coffee, then to look for Debbie at the library. But coming out of the test centre? Hannaford’s! Swanton! Wow! AND they have Bustello coffee! Well shit! BINGO! I got my coffee! and a box of their poptarts. My first visit to the land of Swntn and a receipt that shows I made it! (Silly little things make silly big impressions.) – The trip to StAlbns went very rather well. The test was done so, if the car exploded now, my “agenda” was complete. Yes, on the 89 it wobbled and groaned. But I’d taken the test and fekt rather positive about it. – How it still strikes me when: driving into town, I know where I am, where I want to go, how to get there, here, in places I used to know only by name! I drove the streets of StAlbns to the library where Debbie said she’d be. She wasn’t, so I went to the house. Sge was there, never went to the library. (I reserve comment other than… the walk to her car might have proven too strenuous?) – She was home, Andrea was sleeping. It was abiut 14.39. The house was a mess! 3 adults and an 18 yr old… the 6 yr old obviously dictates décor. But it’s none of my concern. I parked me on the sofa to wait for Janice to return from her engagement in BTV, making idle, intermittent chat. – When J. arrived, there were items to be discussed, Stephen had to be fetched from school (in the car when the school is just across the road… none of my concern…) and such. I waited. – At one point I mentioned getting my test results on-line and Janice told me to use her computer. So, I did:
*81,9 on the test! Not bad!*
I’d been invited for dinner… never happened. It got later. Things got worse with the buckering and Stephen and such. At aboyt 19.00 I was tired and hungry so… I left. – Drove the 7 back (my eyes are TRULY BAD! Night driving and with rain? Frightening.) – I was in by 20.00 to Steve Hoovering. I through the 2nd (and last) TV dinner into the nuke, added beans and came up-stairs. I was too tired to paint so, in short order, I closed the da

Thu.15Mar(1986) 7.03: Never let the last song you hear before going to sleep be Dalida because the first thought you’ll have on waking is “Laisser-moi danser!”. – Bonne Anniversaire! 26 years ago today. And I still remember Jacoby & Myers, Allerton Av. How strange that I still have that paper-work… because I never part with it, carrying it with me every-where, every year. Dear sibs failed at stealing that from me… may they live on into Eternity, never finding Peace. – Good morning. -21.36:
*** FUKKED AGAIN BY THE IRS! 1995! IN STORAGE, IN NY, IS A STATEMENT CLEARLY SHOWING A ZERO BALANCE, PARTICULARLY FOR 1995! AND WHEN I THINK IN TERMS OF MY TOTAL TAXABLE INCOME FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR BEING 282$? THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT CAN JUSTIFY TAKING THE 600$ OVER-PAYMENT OD TAXES? WHY? SO WE, THE NATIVE-BORN, THE INVOLUNTARY CITIZENRY WHO WORK AT MENIAL JOBS, 50-60 HOURS EACH WEEK FOR NON LIVING WAGES, AND RESIDE IN PUBLIC SHELTERS, CAN TOIL TO SUPPORT A GOVERNMENT THAT SENDS OUR MANUFACTURING AND BETTER/HIGHER PAYING JOBS TO FOREIGN COUNTRIES AND THEN OPENS THIS, OUR SO-CALLED “HOMELAND” TO ILLEGALS AND SO-CALLED REFUGEES WHO COME HERE, ARE HIRED TO COMPETE AGAINST US, SENDING OUR CURRENCY OUT OF THE COUNTRY, REFUSE TO SPEAK THE LANGUAGE AND SOME, EVEN UNDER ORDER OF DEPORTATION (c)(18) ARE GRANTED “TEMPORARY PROTECTED STATUS” (TPS), ALLOWED TO REQUEST NATURALISATION AND MANY ARE GIVEN NATURALISATION WHEN, FOR YEARS, IN SOME CASES, THEY HAVE WORKED HERE, ILEGALLY, SENT OUR CURRENCY OUT OF THIS COUNTRY, WILL NOT LEARN OR SPEAK THE U.S. LANGUAGE, RAPE OUR BORN CITIZENS TO CLAIM “PARENT OF U.S. CITIZEN” STATUS AS GROUNDS TO NOT BE DEPORTED? THE RESULTS OF MY LABOUR SHOULD SUPPORT ILLEGALS WHO COME HERE ILLEGALLY AND ADMIT TO DRUNK DRIVING, THEFT, PETTY AND GRAND LARCENY, SEXUAL MOLESTATION, AND HAVE THE AUDACITY TO ADMIT THIS ON THIER APPLICATION FOR CITIZENSHIP? I DON’T SIMPLY NOT “THINK” NOT… I BLOODY-FUKKING “KNOW” NOT!!! THIS IS THE END OF THIS BAILING OUT WALL STREET AND FOREIGN RAPIST BILGE!!! MY DECLARATION OF WAR IS HERE-BY MADE PUBLIC AND OFFICIAL. THERE WILL BE NO MORE SITTING SILENTLY, BEING VIOLATED BY THIS GOVERNMENT AND ITS CRONIES AND ILLITERATE AND DISFUNCTIONAL INVADING ALIENS! TODAY… IT STOPS!!! ***
– In today’s texting back and forth, J says she will help me with 2 weeks rent. Yrs, I appreciate that so much more than I can express. Truly and honestly. This place, the room, the house, the entire state, means more to me than anybody realises! I’ve a Life here! But it kills me to accept the financial help from someone who isn’t working either. It becomes more incentive and more ammunition in my “war” against this greedy, slobbering, blood-thirsty, sell-out government. If this country and its governement ever needed me to help or defend it, I’d sooner send it off to Hell. Better to serve its enemies as restitution fir these 24 years of misery. Better to serve Eterity in Hell than one second in defence of these United States! – At abiut 17.00 I was off to SlbrnLib to check e-mails and there: Request for 5-Year Addresse History for USPS! Hey! This is GREAT! I must be in the “finals”! Must re-build what I’ve already given them for JPMC (morons). – Back at the ranch, the music, the cigarette smoke, the quiet mayhem; Tara’s in for the week-end. I was hungry, but I’m still not comfortable throwing my food together in front of them. Silly of me but… I came to my room instead, gulped a swig from what’s left in the vodka and settled in for the night. I’m tired and NOW my own bit of depression is arriving. -21.38 Sounds like an ittybitty party kicking-up in the kitchen? But S. goes to work in a.m. so it shouldn’t be too long… I hope. – J. had said she wasn’t feeling well in her message at about 13.00 today and there’s been no word from her since about 14.45/15.00. I hope she’s just resting. She’s got a lot going on in her own home. I wish I was in a position to help her somehiw. – Well, it’s gotten late, the day is done. Off to bed with some library books to browse for art inspiration and some local history (diversionary tactics at day’s end). – Today “War” is declared; Nnxt week we thrust into “Battle”! KADIMA!

Fri.16Mar 7.013: It’s a miserable day when you wake with the inability to pay rent weighing on mind, body and soul. – 21.30 Painted most of the day. – JS annoyed me with “should” texts concerning the IRS shit. interesting, people are always full of “what you should do” and very devoid of “Here’s a solution, and the tangibles you need”. Fuk. But my “War” is declared… MY “War”… alone. I Am VT Strong! HAH! I’ll fight to remain here. -13.00 to ShlbrnLib: I posted my addresses of 5 years to the USPS. But they want a printed, signed release as well and the damned computer wouldn’t print it! Luckily, I’d copied a text version which I printed, signed, dated and prepped an envelope in which to post it. Will it suffice? I doubt it. After all, it’s the “U.S.” PS. NO trusting THIS country. But better to lose at trying than not trying at all. -Returned home… Tara drinking at 15.00. She “talked”. They’re spatting. I listened. I got Hx. I’m not involved and certainly don’t have ANY desire to GET involved in ANY manner or fashion. BUT one item? Steve’s : favourite foods: pizza & POPTARTS! Imagine? – I was famished and so, tossed a tin of beef stew into the remaining beans. Wow! The fat in that “stew” was almost diagusting! But heated, went well with the beans. And today, I ate (something). -S. came home at about 16.30 and I returned to paint, giving them time together. – About 20.30 and T’s in the basement banging music (she’s made herself ill with drink), S. in his room. Hmmm… -I got the chance to tell S. that my rent will probably be paid Monday. ”Don’t worry about it.” he calmly replied. I WORRY! To the point of gut-wrenching! -I sent a text, apologising to JS for this morn. They were rude, I was white-hot enraged, but she didn’t deserve the barrage she got. We communicated about other things from then on. -21.37 HEAT! in the house at last! Foggy out tonight. Chilly but foggy. The heat feels SO good! – Another late night getting to sleep here. Need to stop this.

Sat.17Mar 7.29: Foggy morn in the Champlain Valley here. The birds are filling the air with their conversations. And the coming days are threatening temps in the… 20s! HOW can this be? HEAT? In March? In the North? No, I’m not looking forward to it. –
Painted for most of the day. At About 13.00 showered and went out to walk up to the Deli for smokes (probably the last pack for a while because noe I’ll have no $). Out back, stopped to chat with S&t eho were sitting on the deck… looking do much like a photo. back The Girls were out, poor Serena, tied becayse she tends to journey. What a Gal! – Chatted with T about Martin McDonough plays because she was having a drink (surprise! Not.) for St.Pat’s Day. Finally, at about 15.00 I walked for cigs. At the Deli, chatted w the Deli owner (Maine accent) who gave me a Free sample of some new cig .(retail: 1,98/pk). – Walked back along lake and gathered 2 little driftwoods: one like an animal if some kind, one looks like a dead burd and one is a piece of a tree, worn-down flat like a plaque of some sort! Fun stuff. – When I got to the house, S&T were gone… as is her vodka. Hmmm… None of my business. – I went out back and got some moss for a jar to sut at my wirk table. Green. Life. My “garden”. – S returned: forgot cash for shopping. Cash: reminded me of rent I still hsven’t paid. It’s due today! – He left, I painted. – When he returned, he got ready to go out for a bit. We cgatted s bit and had a couple really good laughs about “stuff”. I’m quite blessed, being in a house with him. He’s an amazingly remarkabke Mensch. – Txts from Janice. Says she’ll be down tomorrow and will help me with rent. On verra. – I had a drink. S returned rather early. – Maybe 22.30, all quiet in the house so it was Me to brd to read only 3 pgs before… Lights out.

Sun.18Mar 6.38: Woke before the alarm this morning. – The “routine” followed by trying to catch-up last week’s entries. 7.44 Window open, only yesterday to jot here and I’m into a bit of a nap. Yes, a nap, already. Ut’s Sunday and so am I. Fuk. – The rest of this day will be difficult to cover with enough emotion to do it justice. The weather was perfect! The events, equally so. Just incredibly magnificent! – Steve brought some wood-working equipment out of the garage into the drive. He was going to work on a project. Janice was en route to the house as well. The Girls were out in the door yard. It was more like a Summer day than, well, Winter. As Steve and I were talking and he was ripping some 2x4s, Matt pulled into the drive. (I have to note here: (biceps and tatoos, he strikes me more L.I. Italian each time). As we more-or-less settled as a little group (I sense Matt’s uncomfortable around me some-how), Janice DID arrive! *When S. & M. went inside for a bit, she handed me the rent AND 50 extra for gas!* I wanted to cry, she came through as she’d said she would! I’m accustomed to people saying they’ll help, but completely UNaccustomed to them actually doing so. And she’s not in any situation where she can simply do so. “Life” has chsnged SO much here! – She chatted with Steve and tried to engage Matt, but he remained a bit “removed” as seems his personality. – She and I both discussed the need to “go, move, do something” with this day and, after a bit decided on a drive. S. suggested a place called “Judevine”. Janice looked it up. “Jeudevine”. We decided on a road-trip to N.Hero so that I could locate the P.O. I’ve applied for AND I could get to see the Champlain islands. I got to drive Janice’s car for this. – WELL! BREATH-TAKING is an under-statement! We headed into Winooski for gas and up the 7, out of the congestion of “Metro-BTV” (as PJ id fond of calling the area). But turning off onto the 2 began my real enjoyment. Two lanes of beautiful country-side, pines, open space, open skies, hills, rocks, it just embraces one with a sense of “spiritual freedom and breathing space”. This is a place where lungs expand and proof that there are still people who appreciate having room, land, a place to roam without having to dodge some-one else every bit of length travelled. In a few moments, a sign: Maple and Wine Tasting. Janice was in for that and so… a left off the paved and onto a compacted dirt road and into the woods we went to the dead end. (The road reminded me a bit of the one to G’s! So I too was happy, happy, happy.) At the end, a pasture. Sheep grazed, a couple of horses meandred, a wood shed, roof vent open, smoke and steam wafting out. A “cabine à sucre”… with a VT twist… wine as well. “Sugarbush”. As we stepped out of the car, the fragrance of boiling maple was just wonderful! (What a shame though; that’s a scent that cries for a really crisp-cold Winter day… today it floated in 20-degree air… not quite appropriate but heart-warming none-the-less… NORTH COUNTRY!) We stepped inside to see a small sugaring establishment, husband greeting, wife monitoring the boiling sap, and the place warmly embracing with the scent of hewn wood and maple. If the heart can hold angst in a place like this there’s more wrong to it than can be cured. The couple were young, maybe in their early 40′s. Friendly, welcoming, informative, VT (and, I learnt, ex-pat “Yorkers”). Janice determined to take advantage of the wine sampling. I tried 2: The ONLY maple wine in the country and a combination apple-maple. Both were sweet but ever-so amazing! And a snall sampling of syrup AS it came from the tap! Just heavenly! – When we left, Janice with 4 bottles of wine and a jug of mapke syrup, it was more like having visited with Good Friends… I find VT to be like that. It’s a comfort… folks tend toward the nicer side of Living. – Back onto the 2… North… and the Champlain Islands! – Now THAT was/is worth waking up in the morning for and travelling out of the “metro area”! A 2-lane road that meandres through beautuful country-side, off to and over the Champlain and onto “the islands” where, in an instant, the world is gone and it’s so easy to shed everything about Life… all the hassle and hustle. One can easily forget though, that these are islands whilst travelling through sprawling farms and up over hills. Still, there’s a “remoteness” to them… one road on, the same road off and out in the middle of a huge lake. It was cleansing, refreshing, amazing. – S.Hero was mostly farms, for km after peaceful km. In town (THE “towns” of S. and N. are SO like WalkerValkey… a few necessary businesses along THE road and… that’s it: church, gas, PO, little market), a little “store”, FULL of “stuff”, as if EVERY attic, closet, basement, barn and shed in VT had been emptied into rhis one location: “Junk And Disorderly”. Then, Grand Isle, with more open space, sky, air! Finally, we arrived where I’ve wanted to visit from since before I even boarded that plane in NY… N.HERO! It’s WalkerValley on water! Tiny “village”, neat, tidy, lake-front (island!). And my MAIN curiosity was quickly settled… the Post Office! In a large white building that brought to mind a bit of Europe and… too much… Rockaway (the bldg. is a large, similar version of 112-22 less the “hipped” roof BUT with 2 gas pumps out front)! We pulled into a parking area across the road, on the lake. 3 flags waved clamly in the breeze: U.S., Canada and… QUÉBEC! Janice wanted soda from the store that the Post Office was adjoined to and I, I suddenly remembered that I had a “Consent” form to post (with regard to the job at THIS very office!). She went to the store and I went to look at the office. The out-side box is small, attached to the bldg. and THE BEST? NOT “P.O.S.”! NO COMPUTER! MANUAL all the way! But MORE… the OLD parcel scale, no plexi-glass, just the REAL Post Office! WalkerValley and Cragsmoor! And the kind of office few-to-none want to work in! At that point I KNEW I put some hope in getting this job! Then Janice called me in next door… “Hero’s Welcome” is a huge “country store” (tourist trap in perfection) full of ALL sorts and kinds of assorted books, crafts, key-bobs, stuff, items, crappenschit. A great place to browse your life away. And we almost did! Thankfully, I’d left my money in the car so… no spending (and I certainly could have spent a considerable fortune). When browsing was done, candy and Cokes (in bottles… I’m saving) purchased, the “I’m running late” line began to roll again. Had we not been in one car this time, I’d’ve been left in N.Hero this trip. Suddenly, like the trip to Little Indian, Janice had an agenda. We were back in the car and headed North off the Islands. Me? I just enjoyed the driving and the amazing land, and the fact that on the North end of N.Hero is a “river” that SO resembles the Wallkill you’d think it had been planned that way! Still, it was ALL SO AMAZING, RURAL and CALMING. And the bridge off? If for no other reason than that experience, the trip was a tonic: coming back onto the main-land, the un-obstructed view is literrally breath-taking! The North Country New England! WHAT a day! – Next? Onto the 78 and into Swanton. Familiar territory to a point, since I’d been there only just Wednesday. – The village” is much nicer than the area I’d seen Wed. (Though it does, in some areas, smack of Walden… how un-nerving.) So, here too, an adventure! – On the 89, south-ward to St.Albans! A stop at Hannaford’s and to the house where “Aunt Deb” began making apple pie for dessert and wine. I had a stuffed cabbage (2 were pacjed to take along back to Shlbrne) followed by sharp Cabot and sweet wine (rather nice, really). Moments later we were back in the car and… on the road… “sud” as Janice will say. – En route, we somehow got into my move out of Nbg to Albany and the general horrors of the old man. (This is my consolation: as with sister, folks far and wide know of them… NOTHING “good”.) A stop at WalMart for photo-printing for J.San and by about 22.00, I rolled into the house. WHAT A DAY! WHAT A REMARKABLE, AMAZING DAY!

Mon.19Mar 6.47: This morning’s *DREAM… paralysing; Liz (as her) and I on some sort of road trip in some N.Eng. country-side (as with Janice and I all day Sunday) and we stop in at a barn/warehouse sale to browse (“Junk & Disorderly” only large-scale). She found a painted white dresser of sorts that vaguely looked familiar to me… belonged to CM when we lived on Coach Ln! But I wasn’t positive until she pulled a drawer open and I saw 2 shirt boxes and she said “We’ve got 2 boxes in her from some place in New Windsor.”! That’s when my horror and terror began as I yelled “I knew it! I knew it! It belonged to Cndy when we lived in Nbg! How did this get all the way up here? And…” it killed me to see the piece so broken, battered, and tossed so far. Liz was just mindlessly banging it about as well. I sat in a chair, paniced and hurt, suddenly noticing a chair that came from Oma’s house (it wasn’t really, other than in the dream) and peripherally noticing other pieces of her furniture! I froze in the chair, terrified of having to see more and experiencing the sentimental pain of seeing my history and family strewn about! In fear/terror I couldn’t move! I kept calling to Liz to come help me get out of the chair and out of the barn with-out seeing anything more! I told her I couldn’t move, I was paralysed in fear! She walked away, into the rest of what was there, to “look for what else they have”, leaving me alone, stiffening in the chair. I kept calling to her for help, my paralasis increasing, the room going dark, I was being blinded by the fear! I could sense my limbs tensing, my chest tightening round my heart! I was about to simply sit in that chair and die… she left me alone… alone… alone… I woke just before going completely blind, in bed, same position as in the dream, no sensation in my body, but not the same degree of terror as in the dream. – This one needs no work. It’s all entirely too clear. But wow! How that one part of the day burrowed so deeply into my mind!* – Meanwhile, I slept with windows wide open last night! It’s still, technically, Winter and only about an hour’s drive from Québec border! Very strange weather, indeed. – 6.54 A spider dropped from the ceiling to only centimetres from the bed, stopped and went right back up. As if it’d come down to get a closer look and finding only me, went right back. Cute. – 21.41 and WHAT A BLODDY HOT DAY! 24/25! Miserable! Even the mosquitoes are dining already! And it seems Steve and I are in the major majority of those concerned. – I rang the IRS Tax Advocate this morning. She tells me my “Collection status runs out on 15 May this year”. OK. No idea what that means. Don’t care. But then she said to get transcripts of my history. OK. Then call them back. Fukme, in other words. – That done, I checked trains to NY. 53$ from Essex and 9 hours. 40$ from Albany and just over 2 hours. Now, to get the fare (train and subway round trip). Yup… Fukme again. – I took me out to browse: Goodwill Williston, Recycle North, Goodwill So.Burl. Came home with… NOTHING! Imagine that! Grabbed a bite and buzzed to ShlbrnLib. The little fellow there, Reggie, was in “grand form”. Cute little guy. He’ll be a Grand Queen one day. Shame, that. E-mail from… MOTEK! I replied via iPod. Then checked a few Hotmail accounts and such on-line. Requested “transcripts” for years 2005-11. Pricks! Then got sn e-mail, dated the 16th with the USPS Consent form! I signed and FAXED it… from the library (2,50$!). But, they have it now. I gyess it’s wirth the investment. – Came home about 16.00, went strolling with the Girls and we sat out back until Steve got in. – As the sun set, so too, the temperarure so we came in and I do believe I’m done with one of the 2 coveted bridges! It’s becoming “over-worked” I’m afraid. – Many text messages from Janice this evening. But fun. “- Just finished painting, ready for bed. It’s bloody 24,5• in here tonight! There were nights when I’d’ve been happy and grateful for this, but the windows have been open all day. I’m concerned. Heat is NOT what I came North for!

Tue.20Mar 7.16: Woke at about 1.27 this morning, out of a DREAM:
A small, rural P.O. out in no-where, mountains and woods. Extremely remote. Dark. Disorderly. Rather dank, dreary. I was there to take on the job of PM and was in for training. The place looked more like it had been used for storing junk, a bit like T8 in Tilden, as I think about it. I had some trepidations about the place and taking the job but needed the job, not so much for the income but for some other, non-specific reason. “Alyson”, from JPMC, with whom, in reality, I’d joked about moles and who was helpful to me (to my face anyway) was running the office. We were waiting for someone of authority to come before beginning any training but “who” was uncertain to me. As we passed time, we joked a bit, talked, only briefly touching any subject matter related to the office. I kept wondering why she didn’t clean or organise the place and why, when we were standing in front of lockers, she never mentioned which would be mine. I glanced out a filthy window that was just below ground-level somehow, to see some one walking by. Alyson said “Oh look! There comes our Matt! About time!” I had no idea who he was, why he was worth the mention, what he had to do with anything. But, he never actually came into the office or into the dream. At some point we went over to a VERY large, old, dark wooden desk. (Walker Valley) It was covered in a mess of papers and paper-work that hadn’t been completed. But, to my amazement, Alyson moved only one pile of papers and the desk-top was clear. On the deep, brownish-red blotter, lower right corner, a white stain, similar to a bleach stain, looking like a white cloud (the toilet tissue brand just bought and paid by JS?). When I commented that it looked “interesting”, Alyson smiled coyly and said something along the line of “We don’t talk about that here.” and with one motion, turned the blotter over to a perfectly clean, but still old surface. I woke. – 22.20! Another day… A 24• DAY! And it was HOT! And I spent it hrre, at the house, FINISHING the 2 covered bridges paintings. I’m not thrilled with them, but they’re not bad. – The frightening items of the day: the black ants are coming out all over the house (Steve says it’s a first… they’ve never been so numerous, I say it’s frightening because it’s MARCH and still Winter), and THE MAPLE out front BUDDED today! If leaves sprout and we get snow, there’ll be terrible damage! This is just not “right” in so many respects. I can’t help but wonder: has the Earth’s path round the Sun taken a sharple eliptical course, bringing us in closer, known to governments who won’t tell the population so to avoid panic? I mean, the windows were open through last night and today and the temperature in here is a warm 24. Granted, the sun barely tops the Adirondacks in the evening and the air takes a chill. But… Yesterday Iqaluit’s high was -25 while Montréal was +24! Just wrong. – Aside; I’ll be off to St. Albans on Thursday morn to paint Janice’s room. I’m rather looking firward to that. – This evening, Steve went out for a while as I sketched the next painting. Suddenly, in the dark, Serena started a lonely howl! She’s wolf-like when she does that and it rips my heart. I took her and Pumpkin out for a 20.30 stroll. Just the slightest chill, even in the night air, then came in to sit down-stairs with them and read. They’re SO Loveable, really. And my presence seems to calm them. Imagine? I’m part of their “pack”. An Honour! – There’s a Frank Lloyd Wright lampe in the living-room… Steve made it! A glorious, clean piece. The guy is ever so talented! Just amazingly so. He can “create” from wood. It’s magnificent! – Well, I finished the eggs, cheese, English muffins. The breakfast cereals are gone. I had a stuffed cabbage for lunch, Ramen noodles for dinner. Tomorrow… Food Shelf! Must keep the food intake going! – And now? The silence of the night begins… with the dull din of the Shlbrn Rd. in the distance… a slight distraction. And me? I’m out of the sweats and into scrubs (30th St.!). It’s too hot to wear sweats to bed these days. But wearing the scrubs now brings… well… a little anxiety. – I NEED TO GET TO STORAGE! Today I checked: 53$ OW from here and 9hours… 40$ OW from Albany and 2hours. The gas for driving? Approximately 320$ RT. – I offered Janice: Find me a quick, no-fee venue, she gets 30% of proceeds from my sales. I HAVE TO GET TO STORAGE!

Wed.21Mar (on Fri. morning): This morning, woke at about 6.50 with only 3 cigs left and truthfully, can’t afford any more but… I managed to pass quite s bit of time: looked through saved papers for the “zero balance” IRS statement. WHY did I leave it in NY? THAT should be in the binder that never leaves the back-pack! Oh well, another reason to fugure out how to get to storage. – Started the morning text messgaes with J.San. Finally reached a date to paint her room: Tomorrow… morning. Hoppefully I’ll get it done in one day. No “over-nighting” thing. – Adecco rang with a job: packing eye-glasses in Essex! Coming to this, is it now? So I asked if JPMC put me in non-data status. Told: these are the jobs coming in and don’t worry about JPMC, “let it go”. I got to explain that going from 50 errors to 200 was unlikely. Anna said I needn’t be concerned. – I decided to go out and try to find necessities for a half-curtain for the window. Be “productive” abd make me more comfortable. – Stopped for cigs at 7 Deli (7$ and change) and then headed for Goodwill-Williston in search of… a bed-sheet. – Browsed the racks and aisles to find, believe it or not, absolutely nothing! I’m quite pleased with my-self when I walk out empty-handed, no “compulsive buying”. Then across the road I jaunted, to WalMart. Rods, on sale, half-price, 1,50$ each! OK! (And I’ve got maybe 6 in storage… shit.) 2 rods and a box of PopTarts and out the door, off to Goodwill ShelburneRd. Now, it was determination… having half the necessities. – Wow! King-size, heavy cotton, only just slightly off-white sheet at 3,99$! It’s a 20/25$ sheet, easily! And… nothing else! A focused purchasing day. Pat me on the back!- Out of the stores and back to the home-stead, pleased, on a sunny… 25-degree day! TOO hot! TOO soon! – Back in the house, sheet in the washer by 14.30. Quick wash/dry. The plan oir the rods didn’t quite work as hoped but… must note… the stick from le drapeau du Québec certainly proved worth the save: 2 rods became 1, some string, a paper-clip, a safety pin and… CURTAINS à la NYC (measure, snip, tear, done)! – 16.30 Steve home, followed by Matt… in shirts and canvas shoes. Rather “cutsie L.I.” In moments, they were off, out for a bit of evening. I settled for a bit until, for no reason, the Girls started barking and howling! I’m such a butt when they do that so it was: grab a book, take the corner chair down-stairs, re-settle to read. Keep them company. They actually appreciate it… and I appreciate being part of their “pack”. – I don’t know what time it was when S. git back but it wasn’t too late. We chatted. He pointed-out a wood table lampe, Lloyd Wright style, he’d made! Really sharp! – And then… Close the day, up the stairs…

Thu.22Mar 5.40 OK. I’m awake. And it’s Thursday… already! Another week… GONE! – Why does EVERYTHING smell like DOG? – 7.01 Just finished Sunday’s account, home alone, quiet. But have to be en route to St.Albans in 90mins! The morning’s going by in A FLASH! – (on Sat.) Gas in Shlbrn/BTV is 3,899$ today! This is getting out of hand and simply adds to my resolve that the Fed is fukking us over. This country has oil resources. But it also has capitalistic stupidity and it’s run by funky-fat-arsed selfish pricks. So my route to The North included a jaunt to Winooski where, imagine: Mobil at 3,759$. I put my Last 22$ into the tank and hit “the interstate”. – I DO enjoy that drive… especially North-ward! – St. Albans at about 10.00 (an hour later than planned but still OK). From the car, I rang Adecco… accepted the stupid job (10$/hr is more than I’m receiving presently and is MUCH needed). Tues-Fri next week with possible 2-weeks after. OK. Fine. – Into the house and on to painting… the green walls. Have to admit: it’s a beautiful shade of green. A pleasure to work with. But the walls weren’t primed! The paint just soaked right in! I tried trimming free-hand. Not too shoddy, considering, these days, I need glasses to see WTF I’m doing. Oh well, soon, death, old age, Peace. – I took a cugarette break and as I came back into the house I noticed… Doug coming up the road. Well, sooner or later… I went up-stairs to be “busy”, figuring he knew about my unemloyment situation anyway (since I was sure the news had been told round the state anyway). Apparentky not so. We talked about the car, calmly and gentlemanly. He mentioned that he’d been advised (by whom, I don’t know) to simply take the car back but, as he said “That’d just put the guy deeper into a hole.” Doug is quite the Mensch. A remarkable sirt of guy. Just amazing. Roug non the edges, but every bit a Mensch! Then he said He’ll re-registre the car so I have a way to get to work! He’s just… I don’t know what to say… amazing. Says we’ll get storage in a couple of weeks when he gets his truck back! Just… a Mensch! – Tonight, fir the first time in actually YEARS, I had STEAK for dinner! Delicious! Cooked to perfection on the grill! It was quite a bit of Heaven! Unfortunately, my old teeth don’t chew it well. But OH! the flavour was nothing short of Divine! – Immediately after eating, back up to finish the painting. The gallon is gone, and the walls NEED another coat. Janice will get another gallon tomorrow and I’ll be back in St.Albans to finish. – Oh; and today, 2 e-mails of note… From Nanc (another Blessing in my Life, she certainly is) and from PJ who says he “worries” about me, wabts to meet in BTV on the week-end. (I’m rather disenchanted: he’s come into money but there’s no sense of work ethic. Did he come from no need to work or, similar to dear Jeannine, dies he abuae some sort of neurosis as an excuse nit to? Either way… I’m out my good hooded sweat-shirt and there’s suddenly no mention of “I want to help you” as was before the money came.)

Fri.23Mar 2.06: Just getting in from St. Albans. The porch light was on! If Steve wasn’t straight, he’d be the perfect S/O. – How odd, still, to drive the 89, with the memories of late-night/early morning drives down the Northway. Fond memories. But these days, I pull in, at “Home” and the radio is still… French. – Janice waited-up until I sent her a text. Imagine? – At Winooski, something in the car went “clunk”! Please… not the wheels! – I could use a shower, but don’t want to disturb the house. – Rent’s due. This kills me! – Up at 8.45! It’s quite chilly in here again and I noticed the windows are open in the rest of the house. Chilly, but fresh air. – (0.03 Sat.) Went back to bed at about 10.30 and slept til noon. Noon! Texted Janice about painting. She had an engagement a about 13.00 then would go for the paint and market. Asked if I needed help with rent. I simply replied ” Yup. Next pay-day 2 weeks from today.” – I never expected: (NEVER exoected) At about 14.30 she drove up just to hand me the week’s rent! I was SO relieved, but now owe her iver 400$! Storage is due soon at 40, phone at 45, the car at almost 1700, TD at over 600$. Well, “people” here get top priority on all. – A quick stop at the PO where (imagine this now) nothing… empty as could be. I’m not expecting anything but… empty. So, on to St. Albans to walk into the house before Janice arrived to sit with Debbie! I did, however, help myself to 2 small cheese sandwiches as I waited… Finally Janice with paint (at almost 16.00? Needed day-light about to disappear! I was a bit “off” by this. But, nothing I could do abiut it… I got the paint and bolted. Had to re-do quite a bit of the trim because of working in extremely poor light yesterday. Not too happy about that but…) At one point, Stphn came bounding in the door as I was trimming. When I tried to impress the need to knock-&-wait so as not to bang me with the door, I got the usual: he ignores! It rather infuruates ne. So, I returned the attitude, closed the door in his face… and LOCKED it. I simply won’t deal with it. Not my child nor my responsibility. – Today is Bill’s (Stphn father) b’day so he and his daughter were at the house. BBQ franks and burgers. – Well, tonight I left at about 22.00 to hit the VT version of my “Northway” drive. I do love VT but nothing will ever take the place of my Northway… nothing… ever. Nick. Plattsburgh. Montréal. Montréal. Montréal. It is my own “Yellow Brick Rd.) – I HAVE managed to adjust my driving to get tonight’s 80mi to the quarter tank out of the car! 320mi to the tank! A trip TO NY? Hey! Now to get the 160$ for 2 tanks and I’m off! – The trip back was OK. The car still handles as if the body and wheels are seoartre entities. But… – As I cane down Clearwater Cir, Steve, the Girls, and Honey were on the road. “Last walk and we’re heading in to call it a night.” says Steve, as the Girls sniff happily at the car… THEY’RE quite the impressive Welcome! and so much appteciated. – By Honey’s presence, Tara’s presence was confirmed. She’s baaaaack!) I come into the house to find Tara drunk already (oh my, kell soopreez, eh?), music blasting, a pot on the stove, she being rather offish toward me. Suddenly she says to Steve “Let’s dance!” He grabbed her, lifted her off the floor and priceeded with a bit of the old “bump’n’grind”. I found it rather un-necessarily rude and obnoxious but, if she doesn’t care… She’s already confided some personal info about Steve so I’m not a good “enemy” and further, if she prefers to be trampy, it’s not my concern – I simply came up to the room where I texted Janice… TOOK A HOT SHOWER! and was looking forward to some good sleep… WHAT A DAY! But, that was not to be… We run right along into Saturday…

Sat.24Mar 0.04: Music blaring and folks getting drunk. Tara’s here. I’m EXHAUSTED! after last night and now THIS? Fuk. I’m having A v-tonic & TRY/HOPE for sleep. Won’t try to be too quiet when I wake in the morning. I mean… really… mid-night. – 0.31 Was JUST drifting into sleep, in spite of the music blaring, when… BANG! BANG! on the counter! And now, yappy-yappy chit-chat. This is the shit that gets to me: I worry about paying rent and then I get this? And the fact that that Essex Drunk should be so inconsiderate. If there was a way out of the house, un-detected, I’d be out. St. Albans? Georgia rest area? Just in the car? Just… OUT! Well, let’s see what’s said later. Right now? The rent’s at bed-side, I need gas money and cigs and would like a vodka. Half the rent eould come in handy. Paying Storage this week and phone too? I could use that 100$ more. – 0.46 The Essex Drunk is down there shrieking like a banshee, out the door, for her dog. Music still going. – I’m about to have a cig and give up on trying to sleep tonight. To think I was so quiet last night, coming in at 2.00. I wanted a shower but wouldn’t. – 0.50 Banging cup-boards and music volume UP! Intentional? What else could it be? – I expexted this at 30th Street. I didn’t expext it here. And that’s why tonight, I wish I were closer to the Shelter… I’d go back there. – 0.54 Cupboards banging, BANGING! Music off though. Mumbling audibly. 0.57 BANG (cup-board). Talking… in room down-stairs/out-side? Did they take the dogs out? I don’t dare try to get back to sleep now, for fear they’ll come back with avengeance. – 9.19 They didn’t take the dogs out but they did fumble up to the bed-room. A bit of chit-chat en route, then silence, then, à la NYC…. moan, “Ah…ah…ah!” “Wall-thru Porn FX”. (He’s quick… and not what you’d call “gutteral”.) And then, as I laid there decided upon getting up to paint… I drifted into sleep… at last! Almost 2am again! – This morning, I slept through the 7.45 alarm! Woke at 8-something when Janice sent text message! So much for this morning. And at about 9… they put the dogs out of the room. – Me? I had my coffee and cig. A few text messages to/fm Janice. Now I’m plotting the rest of the day and wondering: If anything is said about last night, how to respond… and… should I use half-rent to pay MY bills. There’s time to decide. Meanwhile, will paint a bit then get the fukowda Dodge. It’s chilly and over-cast today but I don’t want to stay in here. (I could, but don’t want to. A bit annoyed, a bit fatigued, a bit… “miffed”. If the car would make it, I’d take the rent and go to storage.) – 10.19 and bloody 17• in here! FUUUUK! It’s a damned shame, damned shame: sitting here pondering where to GO to where it’s more comfortable, warmer. I have to LEAVE where I’m PAYING to reside, to be comfortable. A BLOODY shame. – I don’t like being this way, especially here, but, as my fingers go numb and nose trickles, I hope there are full-blown hangovers across the hall today. – One more coffee, a shower and out… to… a warm car at least. – 23.02 JUST IN FROM AN AMAZING DAY IN… NEW HAMPSHIRE!*! with Janice and Kelly! At about 12.30, J. texted that she and Kelly were going to NH to visit with J’s friend who is in hospital and asked if I’d like to join them! Well, I’ve wanted to get to NH and spend more than a border-crossing moment, as was done with LC some years ago, and I wanted to get the jolly fuk out of this house for longer than a trip to the library so… YES! Of course! I rushed into the shower to be ready to run when they arrived. S&T were just stirring about and, well, I’d no particular desire to even see either of them. I showered and dressed. By the time I texted to ask where J&K were, they’d pulled into the drive! It was about 14.00. I went down stairs, T. sitting at the kitchen counter. I glanced, halted, said good morning and g’bye and headed directly out the door. I got to drive… down the 89… into Hanover NH! The VT stretch was amazingly beautiful. So devoid of homes, buildings, that sort of thing. VT truly is sparsely popiuated and just driving along the 89 shows that. Beautiful hills and moutains, pines, empty, empty, beautiful space. South of Montpelier is the tiniest village of perhaps 15 homes and a church, nestled along a river, in the woods. So true to the photos and post cards! Remarkably awesome in its smallness and remove from everything. It truly was bordered by nothingness. So indicative of the stoicism of VT! – We crossed without the HUGE notice signs, into NH. Kelly & I had the greatest conversation en route, Janiced napped quite a bit. But there were, there I was: NH! The hospital is gargantuan! and imaculate and empty. No hustle-bustle or billions of people scurrying about. In a mood, after last night’s little “Novella”, I’d taken my “5 Jar” 9$ and half the rent (why the fuk should I care if they don’t?) and, in the coffee shop, got myself… MYSELF… a Coffee and a Woopie Pie and sat to continue talking with Kelly. She’s a good person, really. I thought, at our first meeting, we wouldn’t get along but it was fun being with her. The time flew right by. Janice returned in what seemed, moments and we were off… – We drove into Hanover… “down-town Hanover. One street, a few blocks of brautiful buildings that abruptly ended in… the country-side. Typical New England. Then into W.Lebanon (Lebnun, as ’tis pronounced locally). She had to find a book, we found a store called “BAM”… a really nice place and NOT “Barnes & Noble” thankfully. She browsed (she and I… biblioholics), as did Kelly and I. – Next stop, a pizza place called “Lui Lui” (pronounced “Louie Louie”) in a complex where there’s an LL Bean too! (We/they browsed, I noticed: shies made in Rumania, flip-flops from China! I was out!) – I strolled over to the RiteAid for smokes, using 20$ of “the rent”. 6$ and no tax! WOW! NH! And, on the way back to the restaurant, stopped at the brook for a stone from NH. Found, of all things, a piece of granite in the shape of the state! It was right there! Now, I’ve the heart from VT and the state if NH. And we sat to eat. I had a coffee and quite the serving of fried mozzarella. Pricey at about 7$ but better than nothing. And it was good. We all chatted and laughed. It was a delight, and there I was, in NH, and with people who KNOW NH. – After dinner, we headed back to the hospital so Janice could drop a few things to her friend there and we went back into Hanover to see her friend (Russ) at the Nugget movie house and… we went for gelato and a stroll up tiward Dartmouth! It was just… well… I was thrilled! Really! – Time to leave and in an instant we crossed the Connecticut River and… into VT. But the ride North back to Shelburne was the tell-tale of distance. Still, what a grand time! – I got in at about 22.00 to a dark and quiet house. I checked the kitchen (to see just how fukkedup S&T had gotten
today): no booze, no glasses, just the pan of sauce left on the range. But then I noticed… SEREENA, on the floor, by the window, alone! She saw me come in and walk about but didn’t bark! It broke my heart to see her, in the dark, alone. WTF? Can’t help but think it was some kind of retaliatory act, performed in drukeness. But, fact is, I don’t know. But it bothered me and will. – As I came up-stairs, TV going in S’s room. I just came into my room. – At 23.29 a text from Janice… she was home. The “adventure” was closed. – Oh… the temperature in the room? 21,5•

Sun.25Mar 6.58: Don’t know what does this, this morning… made my coffee, had my smoke at the window, and when I stood up, lost my balance and almost went sailing out the window. Morning fun. – Went to sleep at about mid-night so there’s about 6,5hrs sleep. Not too bad. And the house was quiet. – Still, the thoughts of the morning are: expenses (rent at 20 short, gas, storage, food, smokes, the car, the banque…). And the urge/necessity to leave… this house, not the state. – This after-noon… NORTH we go again. No prob there. Touch-ups on the paint job, see Fran (looking very forward to that… one meeting and she’s like an old Friend). – I need to let Friday night go. It bothers me. And feelings about Tara are just lingering negatives. I need to let Friday night go. Can’t but think it was all intentional. But I believe I need to let it go. – Sunday. Another week. But this week back to work and not have to wait for all the payroll protocol. Still, no income for 2 weeks. And I pray for contact from the PO and that job. – 7.35, catching-up on Journal and the temperature in here? 16bloodyfukking degrees! Fukkingshit! – 9.47 Just finished catching-up with last week (wearing hooded sweat-shirt, hood up, lying on bed under blankets in this COLD… Over-cast and DAMP). Steve took the Girls out for the briefest walk just now. I’d like to work on the painting but it’s SO COLD in here! I’m really getting fed-up with this. I believe it’s time to look about, find some place where, for 800$, I won’t have to dress “out-doors” when in-doors and dress “in-doors” because out there is warmer. This is enough. – Meanwhile… I’ll be out of here and in the car in a few hours… NORTH to St.A.! – 11.15 and 21,5•… under the desk lampe. And I’ve been sitting, painting, sweats, hooded sweat-shirt hood ON, Nancy’s scarf round my neck and torso, and I think: the time to get out of here and into the car is approaching, and this makes me happy… LEAVING this room, this house, makes me happy. This… is… WRONG! OK? AND… if there’s something I’ve done, if this is intended as punituve to get me to leave: When I was a child, I’d be punished/beaten for things that weren’t explained, or even told; random acts of discipline as it were. No fukking balls, these so-called “men”! If the intention is to make it so I leave, then simply say “It’s not what I thought.” “I’m not comfortable with a renter in the house.” Even “I need to get laid and run frantic through the house but can’t with someone else in here.” SOMETHING! But I’m on a 2nd floor and it’s the SAME cold (environmentally and general house-hold ambiance)! THIS, THIS is bloodyfukking WRONG! – 11.20 Time to begin… my exit and trip to the North… where in all respects, it’s warmer. – 17.47 The temperature in here is one notch above frost-bite and I’m tired and in miserable mood. Left here at about noon, stopped at the Goodwills (both) for, well, a frame with mat at 3,20$! Not bad, the mat alone would have been that. Anyway, on to St.Albans where the “activity”/”entertainment” at the High School was ill-attended and lasted all of about 20 minutes. When I walked into the auditorium I was greeted with a chorus of “Hey Jude”; Kelly, Marge and Fran. I had to go over to give Fran a hug. What a pleasure to see her! I sat beside her as the “show” began. When it was over, I drove her to Janice’s. She got to tell me that Janice made known there were 2 drops of paint on her grandmother’s rocking chair! Not that she was pleased with the job. I let it ride as Fran said that she’d asked why the chair wasn’t removed from the room. OK then. – Got to the house, I went immediately up to do touch-ups but before I got to the stairs, Janice informed me of the drops and, with a touch of “attitude” further informed me that I had to remove them! She’d LEFT THEM TO DRY ON THE CHAIR! OK! – In the room, I put white over the (admittedly not so nice) brush-streaks and some base-board drops (they couldn’t be scratched off because my finger nails dug into the cheap wood). Then got to the drops on the chair… easy as all Hell to remove. As I continued with touch-ups, I heard Janice instruct (in the kitchen): “knock on the door and wait, he doesn’t want…” Fuk yeah. I don’t want to be standing there with paint in my hands and getting slammed with the door! Moments later, a knock. FRAN! Bless her, she’d come to say that they’d all eaten, were having dessert and I needed to come eat. So as I wanted to wait for the paint to dry for the next tooch-uo, I went down. As I got to the bottom of the stairs I see MY JACKET ON THE FLOOR and Debbie beached in the recliner! She’d put my jacket on the floor! I bloody lost it! Commented audibly and sarcasticly. When she retorted “I didn’t DROP it, I PLACED it on the floor!” I went off: Called her a disrespectful cow to which she replied “bite me”. Bad choice… sister’s retort. I HAD to get OUT, AWAY! So, quietly, with-out fan-fare, I gathered my things and calmly left. As I was leaving, the cow was still at it! I got into the car, started it and… off to the 89 and AWAY. – Stopped in Winooski for 25$ gas at 3,759$/gal. The quarter tank I measured this time gave 83miles! I was SO tempted to head right to storage but had noticed much wear on one tyre… and calc’ed I’d arrive at about 22.00… too late for storage, I’d have to find a place to spend the night. A “Not Happening”. So I stopped at McD’s for McFukkitz. I wanted Ranch sauce as dressing for the salad I had at the house. – When I got in (to more total silence), the sauce was Spicey Buffalo! On the salad, it’s simply hot sauce! And inedible! Salad ruined. – I began painting until fatigue struck at about 18.00. Napped for an hour in the cold that is this room! – At 19.06 the phone rings from an 802 I don’t know. VoiceMail. FRAN! Checking to see if I’m alright “after storming out” at Janice’s. Sorry? “Storming”? I left silently, and quietly closed the door behind me. Imagine. But I’ll give her a call… perhaps tomorrow. St. Albans? I don’t see that call being made. – Note: The number Janice gave me for Fran isn’t the number Fran called from. Just sayin’. – 19.58 S&T returning from a brief car trip. Honey yapping! I haven’t seen or spoken with either since the brief “Bye”
when I left for NH yesterday. I wonder if they’re thinking I’m angry, tired, ill. I wonder if they’re thinking. – 22.30 22• Voices down-stairs and dogs scurrying about. A “work-night”. Will we be granted the kindness of a reprieve from get-down-get-drunk-get-dancey-get-laid tonight? I want a drink, a nap until mid-night and the guts to drive to Ozone Park at 1.00. – My mood is heavy. – Meanwhile, the pussy-willow in St.Albans is already gone to stamen-yellow! Spring will not be seen again, this year. I want to vomit! No Winter. No Spring. BANG! Summer will slam into us… at any moment now. –

Mon.26Mar 7.22: 17•! – I had the alarms set for MUCH earlier this morning. I heard them. Actually hit “snooze” a few times. Woke as S&T left. Then… I doubt I got to sleep before mid-night anyway. And, believe it or not, neither did they… Alas. – Sent a text to Janice: ‘If you’ll be in BTV tomorrow I think we need to talk’. Reply: ‘Are you OK? Was going to check in with you. Not planning on BTV tomorrow.’ Indeed. OK. – Next issue of today: Agenda. Return library books, pay storage, worry about rent, ponder Steve’s general attitude, a bit of a wash, get coffee, paint. – Now? On with this day! It’s getting late. – (on Tue. 5.52) – Not sure exactly when I started out but it was some-where after noon and I was off to Hannaford’s for coffee (and. splurge on honey buns at 3/,99cents! SPLURGE!) -That accomplished, into the Big BTV and the PO where, to my “delight” (right, sure), 4 IRS envelopes… transcripts. They went into the back-pack, I went to get the money order for storage. Happily, STORAGE IS PAID THROUGH APRIL! and I was, essentially, done… but… – Stopped to apologise to Marge for yesterday’s “out-burst”. She welcomed me with a hug and said to forget it, nobody blames me, Debbie had it coming! Then we sat for coffee and chat. Note: Now SHE AND DOUG have heard Debbie’s bull-shit that Janice and I are… “having an affair”! I’m pissed! Really pissed! – Sat and had coffee whilst Marge cooked a pot of rice. When it was done, she bagged a portion for me and added 3 Banquet chicken legs: “Your supper.” she told me. She also mentioned how much Janice appreciates my friendship (too bad Janice couldn’t tell ME about the paint on the rocker BEFORE telling others). – As I sat, Doug called to meet (he was due at Marge’s abiut 15.00… I didn’t take his call until I left… he wanted to “meet up”. I had stuff to accomplish today though.) – Left Marge and went directly to Shlbrn library, got a book on covered bridges. No internet, probably due to the high winds. So… – Home by 16.00 to walk the Girls. But when I got in, I threw 2 chicken legs in microwave and Hoovered as chicken heated. Ate quickly (I’ll never really be able to eat at a steady, pleasant pace) and walked with the Girls. – Steve came home and added to my dismay of the “Debbie bull-shit”, he apologised for Friday night! I felt terrible that he should feel he owed ME an apology! Funny, that, because I thought I should apologise to HIM for something! Seems on Friday, he Blacked-out r/t Red Stag (ah HAH!). Didn’t even know Tara was here… for HOURS! I laughed it off and we talked about my own experiences with that sort of thing. All over, done, passed. – When I told him I’ve half the week’s rent, his reply: “You hold on to that, you’ll need it.” He actually just saved me because he’s right… gas for the car! Honestly? This man is AWESOME… by definition and not pop-lingo! – This evening, I rang Fran… at 19.07… it was primarily to sing Happy Birthday and apologise for my theatrics. 5hrs05minutes later, yes, MID-NIGHT, we were saying Goodnight. One point: she thanked me for being a Friend, she thought she’d never laugh again after her husband Bob died but I’ve allowed her to do so. (In my Life… that’s the most impirtant thing… I give laughter. I don’t have much of my own, but I can provide it for others. Fran? I thank YOU!) – Off to bed after mid-night… to wake at 5.00… first day, another job.

Tue.27Mar 5.25: 5.57 TIRED and not in the mood for this job or the drive into Essex. But, thanks to Fran and further research on-line, I found the place so I know where I’m going. And, thankfully, it’s temp. It’ll help catch me up (I’m so damned tired of “catch me up”!). – So much I’d like to do with this morning: paint, do yesterday’s entry here, take care of IRS. None if which pays right away. As I say: in no mood for this shit job. But we do what we must for as long as we must. – PLEASE GIVE ME THE N.HERO JOB… THIS WEEK! – 19.17 EXHAUSTED! The job? Putting little packets into little zip-lock bags. Getting there this morning? Late. Quite the 17,3mi drive, and the place is located in the woods on a road that’s expanding deeper into the woods. But, free coffee and hot chocolate, ability to talk with co-workers and listen to music! And I had good conversation with a young fellow (Cyrus) who moved from SanFrancisco because it’s deplorable there. Imagine, all those whom I’ve met in NY who spoke so highly of SF! He lives up on the Allen Rd! A neighbour. OK. Then, the THANKS for helping the company! It’s nice being appreciated (but JPMC did that too and let’s not forget what the out-come was there). Not to mention, as Cyrus pointed-out: other companies would have out-sourced our work… Ah… VT mentality: Home First. I like the work because I’ll wear jeans and I don’t need glasses! No eye strain! – After work, straight home: walked the Girls; ate a thawed chicken leg from yesterday (didn’t bother to heat it, I was hungry), a stuffed cabbage and some beans… old food; trip to ShlbrnLib to return book, check e-mail in case of notice from USPS and try to find some “form” to get the IRS off my back. Home. – COLD in the room, even wuih pillows removed from cut-aways. But I’ll be in bed very soon. – I’m actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow! (But the USPS needs to come through. I know they’re doing back-ground, but…) – 20.38 a CHILLING 20• in the room! Time for bed too! Steve’s cleaning his. Going out for last smoke. Had an oatmeal. All’s VT tonight.

Wed.28Mar 5.20: Slowly getting back to the 4.30 routine. I thought I’d get some painting in this morning. Not so. -5.42 already! Shit, the morning hours sail by! S. awake. Now to time my shower, don’t want to be late for work again this morning, esp. since there’s a “3:30 bell” at shift’s end and EVERYBODY leaves together… no “lingering” or “making-up” time. Anyway… Mittwoch. HumpDay. NoPay Friday. But… we’re “working” on it. By then I’ll OWE the WHOLE cheque. Back to work for nothing more than paying somebody else. It never stops. – 21.10 This morning I ventured to work via the 89 instead of the “back” roads and I’m not so sure about the timing because of getting stuck behind a milk tanker in Essex, but distance was only 16,2mi, a savings of 1,10mi. Woohoo! Of course the gas used was probably more because of travel at about 90km/h instead of 50. But… Even though I can visualise where places are on a map, I’m stil out of wack: Essex feels like it’s North of the house, or South or… the travel just doesn’t seem like I’m going where I should be going. However, I get there. It’s a bit like when I first got to Rockaway: Instinct dictates the sun should rise directly over the ocean-side, but Far Rock is to the East because of the position of the peninsula. Then too, here, I think it has something to do with the window and house facing North; I’ve grown accustomed to East-West orientations. Strange that a life-time of that can have that effect. None-the-less… – It was another good day of tedium. This morning I sat in my same spot, alone for a while when a woman came over and invited me to sit at a table with several others. “We have a place all set-up if you’d like.” What a difference from JPMC where one (I) was daily made to feel I was intruding. – Today went by quickly though with fascinating chat w C. (He’s 30, a Virgo, bi and 25% Japanese… For some reason, he freely tells his life story. Very open. When I mentioned that I’d like to take a run up to Québec – for cigs and peanut-butter, he immediately said he’d like to go with. Me? I think that’d probably be fun, interesting, and, although he’s young and… well… “date-like”… for me anyway. I’m becoming a “foolish old man” of late.)
– After work, we had a chat for an hour in the parking lot… World Religions. Fascinating guy, him. – Home via 89 arrived at almost 17.00! – I was so hungry and the only thing to eat was the leftover beans which I heated and added oatmeal to. Tasted alright, nothing “wrong” with the combo, but, REALLY strange in a way. – As I get ready to get the Girls out for a stroll, 17.30, S&T pulled into the drive with Honey. Good chats followed, especially about a sale at the SalvtnArmy in Essex. Even S. made a purchase! We’re the Bargain Hunters here. It’s kind of cute. They duscussed dinner, I came up to my room, S. took the Girls out. – Me, I’m dead tired. – 21.14 finished the main tree on the current painting, S&T are watching tele in his room and it’s a rather chiily 23• in here. Odd.. “chilly 23″. This room never warms. (I want my afghan from NY! Along with several other items. I’m tempted to bolt… We were told: 5 hiurs of work tomorrow, none on Friday. A 3-day week-end! But gas alone will be about 160$ and the only cash I have is half rent and that has to hold until next Thurs. This is just plain Shitty!) – Quick note: 22.00 and the music, chit-chat and ha-ha from the kitchen. Really? 22.00? On a work-night?

Thu.29Mar 5.39: Just added yesterday’s entry. Morning goes by too quickly. I’d like to paint or something but there’s shower and go in an hour. Too quickly. – Last night’s “kitchen” went into 22.30. A bit too late for those of us used to 21-21.30 sleep-time. I like when she keeps company, but she’s not too responsible. Anyway… – A chilled 19• this morning. Better than the usual 16-17. – 20.48, 24•, and I’m lying here under the NEW COMFORTER (5$ at Essex Salvation Army) covered in a beige DUVET COVER (2,99 Williston Goodwill) prepared for any cold that may be coming! The house is silent. It’s only the 2 guys again. – The day? 5hrs work for 21 total. The chats with Sir.us (proper spelling, not Cyrus) went 1hr45mins after work. As usual, my “fets” out-do somebody else’s. He “thought” he had ‘em until I told mine. Poor guy, feels “vanormal”. Alas. But we exchanged phone numbers today. If I were younger… if he were older. – After work, Salvation Army Thrift. En route home, 6 Boston Cream Dunkin’Donuts (breakfast, lunch, dinner… gone) Comforter! Goodwill: Mistletoe Yankee Candle NEW, 1,99! Great grey flannel shirt NEW, 2,50! Duvet cover for comforter, 2,99! Nothing “fun”, all functional. – And now? 20.59, bed-time. Day off tomorrow and much to do. Tonight? EXHAUSTED!

Fri.30Mar 6.12: I got up about an hour ago, trying to stay on schedule. – The comforter purchased yesterday has proved to be one of the BEST investments since coming here! Warm and comfy all through the night. Oddly, the thermometre has 22• in the room but there’s a nasty chill. Outside, it’s -1•. I can’t figure it out. – Today has an agenda and I intend to complete it all, starting with more on the painting I’ve been working (which is why I woke at 5.00 in the first place). – Anyway… On to this payless Friday! – 23.10 Here we go again… Music going in yhe kitchen, chatty-chatty in full swing. So much for “I owe you an apology.” And I was looking in the “7 Days” just now, between nose-blowing and shiverring in the draft in this room: 375$ for apartment with heat. Time to seriously re-think my 800$ and 2 week-ends of “get down get funky in the middle of the night”. I might be 200$ behind right now, 400$ on Sunday, but I’m not partying in the house (but I am living on bread this week). – It was about 7.15 when I sat at the window to have a smoke. The morning was beautiful, calm, crisp. Just staring, admiring, appreciating this world, this state when, silently, with-out any indication… one, two, then 3, 4… six hawks began to appear, rising motionlessly up over the tree-tops, gliding on the air, facing into the West, wings spread, as if suspended on an invisible thread! It was AWESOME! It was BEAUTIFUL! Just so incredibly silent, peaceful! Ah… VT. – At about 9.15 or so, I called Adecco in response to a message received yesterday. Casey offered a 6-day full-time “driver’s assistant” spot, delivering uniforms. I declined so to keep Revision. A bit of humble gratitude and ego-stroking and the day was ready to proceed. – As I flipped the switch to turn on the light in the loo… POP! Light-bulb blew… BUT the circuit-breaker went too! THE ENTIRE ROOM! So I investigated, went to the basement, found the box with MANY breakers (as if each sq.ft. has it’s own here) and found THE ONE fir the room. But, back up-stairs, I can’t figure how to get the cover off the fixture! Decided to wait and ask Steve when he gets in. I showered, dressed and went out into the day… round maybe 10.30. A bright, bright, sun-shiney day. – For no real reason other than possible picture frames, I stopped at GoodwillShlbrnRd to browse. Today, my browsing paid-off: I walked out with a pair of black BOOTS for ME and a pair of Timberlands for “Little Thumper”! Mine were 9,99 and came with boot-sock insulation socks/booties, his were 4,99! When I got into the car I immediately put mine on and was off and running with the day. Quite happily, I must add. Finally! BLACK foot-wear (for me). – In a good spirit, I went to browse ReSource for a work-table-top. Nope. Nothing. – Into BTV PO. Empty. “No news” is “good news” these days. – Then, I succumbed… the Emergency Food… WHAT made me say I was there simply for “bread”? But bread is all I got. Nothing to put ON the bread, but with rolls, I got a bag of large, HEAVY muffins that must be packed with an entire kitchen in each. They’re quite good, really. One thing I noticed: I arrived just past noon and, as seems to be the “American way”, the Black intake fellow ignored me waiting and took a Black fellow who’d just breezed in. Two Black women walked out with BOXES of bread products and when I got in, just white bread, no pies or pastries were left! VT… Black will be Black no matter where. – I came home to drop the bread and head to ShlbrnLib. – At the library, as I signed for a computer… Caroline! JeezUS! I really don’t enjoy her company, or her foul breath, nor her “I know due to my age” schtick. But, I listened… because I’m a schmuck. Then hit the computer. *Applied for another USCIS job, in Essex. Let’s see how far this one goes. This is the 4th.* – En route back to the house, an ill-affordable but past-due purchase: vodka and tonic (to celebrate new BOOTS). “New Amsterdam” was on sale so… And on the label, the Empire State Bkdg. A “New York state of mind”? Then, a quick trip to Dollar Tree: 300 glasses! I’m going blind. But it’s always fun to see “my friend” there. She’s one of the very first to become familiar here. – Home to comtinue painting. – At 17.00 the Girls and I went for a stroll… me in my “new” boots. They’re attractively tight with the inserts but will fit nicely with just socks. And although mudded, they’re in need of breaking-in (in more ways than one). – When I came in from the walk, the last package of Ramen noodles. I’ll call it “Dinner”. – Round 18.00 S&T with Honey. The week-end commences. We all chatted. I asked how to change the bulb in the loo fixture: “I don’t know.”
and I was given a step-stool. Period. Am I on yet another Shit-List? I’d’ve thought there’d be more interest… at least so I didn’t break anything. Oh well. I came up to try removing the shade but… will have to see if Loewes or Home Depot carry it and check for “How To”. Other-wise… darkness rules. -Back to painting. – During the day, curt texts from J.San. I say “WTF” and don’t partularly care. Especially since I noticed MULTIPLE drops of her green paint on my jeans! unlike the 2 spots on her bloody chair. Oh and alas. Fukkit! – Tonight, as I had a smoke, and my drink, looking out into the night, I thought of Schmulik. Tomorrow is his birthday. I sent a text and got a reply: (21.13) “Thinking of you too Tomorrow should be my very last day but since you are still here so will I” I miss the little tyrant. A part of me wishes I could bring him here (but the good-sense part wants no one from any past here). – I was a bit “down in the patates” for the remainder of the night. – At about 22.00 the week-end went into full swing down in the kitchen with MUSIC and yakkity-yak. They were well into the bottles by now. I poured a “half’n’half” v-tonic (the vodka isn’t Grey Goose and, oddly, it didn’t settle very well). I settled-in to continue work on the painting. – At 23.22, the “kitchen party” was still “rockin’” and my room got CHILLY! I may have spent money I had no right to but I’m thankful I did… the comforter has been a blessing-PLUS! (Even though I now have 20$ to last through Thursday. – I painted and sang along with the radio until 23.39… into bed… The “kitchen party” crankin’up, I got a bit fed-up, lit-up and smoked a cigarette… IN BED! Fukkit! Just simply fukkit. I gleaned this week’s “7 Days”. Some news looks worthy of a read but the rentals proved fascinating: rooms for 375, flats fir 900/1100. And ut suddenly hit me: I’m forking over 800 for a room, a COLD room, and in a house where the week-end threatens some spat or another. RE-EVAL TIME! – When the cigarette was done, so was I and, so too, the day… except for the “kitchen party” which, at some time round-about-after mid-night provided a BANG! Don’t know what, don’t care either.

Sat.31Mar 8.49: MOTEK!
The fought, again, last night/this morning. By mid-night, I stopped painting and was in bed. Down-stairs, the music went on, and the volume went up… music and voices. Again, as I was about to drift into sleep… BANG! And more argument. I don’t know what time it was when the stomping up the stairs came. – I wonder: will this be every week-end? Why does it seem they both HAVE to be drunk to be with each-other? I mean to say; even when she comes here on the week-days/nights, they both get right into the bottle… and they don’t wait until after a dinner… it’s ‘walk in the door and dive into the bottle’. For me, I went to sleep pondering: find another place and just go… during a work-day, or bring stuff to NY storage abd go back. I don’t want to go back. But this isn’t how I see me “Living”. – 19.24 In ALL day. Finished covered bridge nr.4 and nobody’s come to the door… and I’m not complaining. The house has been quiet… probably waiting for 22.00 again. Ah, trash, no matter where. – During the day, several text messages from J.San: “What are you doing?” As if… When I mentioned Cynthia’s birthday: “I understand and feel da pain”. Bull-shit! OK? OK then. – 20.25 Something got delivered for the Dynumbic Duo down-stairs. It’s a rather chilly 21• in here and, no doubt, on its way to cooler. I’ve caught up with the weekly Journal. I’ve been silent all day. Not complaining. But it’s rather odd: my insides are souring in anticipation of the 23.00 big bash. So very similar to 30thStreet! – I’m going to pour me a drink, pfutz on the I-Net a bit, ponder the possibility of a shower and see what develops.