Sun.01.Mar: 6.38 Feeling MUCH better this morning than yesterday. Up, about, coffee in press, in from a smoke and this morning's first philosophical thought:
Oh dear! Feeling quite well this morning. WHEN NOTHING IS WRONG, *SOMETHING'S* NOT RIGHT.
I've become my grand-mother: “There's nothing to worry about this morning except worrying about what it is I'm forgetting to worry about.”
I need to trim my hair, toe nails, beard, shave my neck, take a shower! AND... it's MARCH! “Meteorologically”, they say, it's “Spring” (though that doesn't actually happen until the 19th/20th). Spring! I need to get the truck back on the road. Now THERE! THERE'S what *I* have to “worry about”. That's good. - Meanwhile, the chest is a touch better this morning. A few aches, here and there, mostly upper back, neck, left side of the jaw. That's a “longer-term” issue that was, pretty much, settled with the CT scan. “Nothing wrong there.” So? So... in with another month... I was happier when the months were Winter. But? Here we go... First Winter in the mountains... into the first Spring... Come first whole Summer... the completion of the first year. Still so “green”, a “newbie”. But? As I stated, loudly and long: I've come “home” to die... and the months pass... more yesterdays than tomorrows. One of these nights, with any good luck... - But for today there's shit to do to fill the hours. Let's see what I actually DO about it all. Shall we? Oh yes! Let's do shall. - Fuck. - 7.06 Journals on-the-line are now up-to-the-date. Moving right along. - 22.31 WELL! Not such a “bad” day... in fact... pretty GOOD! Didn't get shit done, save, washing the “Montréal jammies” (which are still on the rack, and the sweat pants are still SOAKING WET!). Can't say what else I managed, but I've been almost busy with something! - OK. I DID go to check the oil tank and was RELIEVED to see 3/4 FULL! Now... to pull it through this month, at the VERY least! - AND... I CUT MY HAIR AND IT TURNED-OUT PRETTY GOOD! Trimmed the beard, “buzzed” the neck. Then took a nice HOT shower right after and cut the toe nails. All “pretty”... for all the good it does or difference it makes. But it DOES make me feel better. - Tonight's meal was IMPRESSIVE! I put a tin of beets in with some of the left-over rice and the beets are really delicious! I even posted a “review” on them! I'm IMPRESSED! MUST to get more! - After meal, the dishes done, I hopped onto Minds... and have been “lost” in that since. - Oh... also took a “Trial” of Amazon Prime... I need cleaning supplies and hopefully, there's no “minimum” for “Free Shipping”. Must check the list for those tomorrow. Might add them to the food list on Saturday. FOOD! Saturday! YAY! (Coffee please!) - It was a sunny but COLD one today. Forecast is for “above freezing” for the coming week. HOPE! NO FURNACE PLEASE! - Other than that, I've had a “Nighty Night” (considered a v-ton but... nah...) and I'm off to bed. - The lap-top's fucking about again. Another “We found trouble... “ blue screen. Seems to be OK now but I'm going to run a FULL scan over-night again. Fuck! - And tomorrow? I can't think of a damned thing that I need to do with it, but I'll find some way to pass the time... as always. - OH! DONNA RANG! Her “Candy” isn't well and when she called for medical/vet help, they told her she'd have to go to “Savannah” or “Charleston”! Sounds like Beaufot's pretty much another Buttfuk. But she's taking the little one in tomorrow, locally. She's so distraught over this. Hopefully we'll talk tomorrow evening... and hopefully, the “news” will be “good”. Though the dog's deaf, 17 years old... poor old thing... both of them. - OK... time for bed! - So much for the first day of another month. (Thankfully... the bills are all paid... except FedLoan. But with them, I'm pretty much pissed. The bill states I owe “Zero” and making payments on it hasn't helped me in any way so? Fukkem! I'm tired of this shit! I can use that 5$/month for other things... like the truck, the oil, the electric... Fukkem!) - Now, it's good-night from me and good-night from me.

Mon.02.Mar: 6.24 And it was at exactly 6.00 when I decided to get out of the bed. -6° out there with that little threat: neige début à 8.00. Well, there's quite a wind out there. I'm in from a smoke already, and coffee at hand. Tah-fucking-dah. Eh? - When I woke at about 4.30 (having gone to sleep at just before mid-night), had a “clearing cough” and a SHARP pain dead-centre of the sternum. But, as I recall, this isn't the first time I've had these pains. Had them in Shitholia too, a while ago. As the old line goes: Doctor asks “Have you ever had these pains before?” Says the patient, “Yes.” “Well,” says doc, “You've got them again.” Thankfully, what comes up is clear-white. All's well... Swell. - Now, if only we could do something to stop the furnace from running, that would be most delightful. But the forecast jokes at plus 6° for the day... avec pluie. We shall see. - 9.32 DeadArtist.de RE-NEWED! 7,99$ inclusive. Now, no more re-newals until 2021! - Ordered a copy of “The War At Home” on “Thriftbooks” to send to Theresa. Paid it about 6$. But she bought “Bitter-Sweet Bitterness” at 10 so I feel OK about this. Besides, it does ME good to be able to pass Nora's book along. (Now, I have to find Theresa's postal address... off to Selz.) - And too much time on soc.med. this morning. - The house has that “cold draft” again, this morning. It's “warming” out-side but not in here. Furnace up to 70F and it's still chilly on the legs. - Pee-Oh is open... the day has commenced. - 21.08 Well... had a burger with rice for meal. It was actually not bad at all. Sadly, finished the ice cream. And discovered... no food until NEXT MONDAY! WELL! That put a stall on things. - Went through more photos... from the external drive. They're on the lap-top to be “edited” specifically for the Journal Photo pages... TOMORROW MORNING! NO MORE PROCRASTINATING! - Donna rang at about 20.00 to say that Candy is at home. The vets removed some-thing from the poor little one's ears and sent her home. “95$!” and Donna STILL doesn't know what's actually wrong. And she thanked me “for giving a shit”. Hey! I KNOW, all too well... ALL too well. - A bit of “Swing” music on Minds, with Theresa tonight. I had to call it “Good night” though... after a couple of “dances” in the kitchen. (SO thankful I'm here alone.) - And now? Last smoke is smoked. Off to teeth and to bed. - It was a “tough” sort of day. Another “ocular migraine”. I was a bit of a restless mess for quite a while. No explanation. Just out of no-where. - Might have to do with the truck. The snow is melting, most days to come above 0°. We never got the rain. And tonight's low... 0°. The nights will be minus but the days above in the next 14 days. I need to figure how to get the truck ROLLING, at the very least. The rest of the repairs will follow... piece-meal. I dread it all, but it MUST be done! Austerity and hunger... to come. - But for now... nothing can be done. The day is over, the night is here. Time to let it go for the night. Tomorrow is another fucking day.

Tue.03.Mar: 5.35 And... another day. Woke at 4.30, but it was so comfy in the bed that I rolled over and back to sleep. The 5.00 alarm sounded, I hit the snooze... thrice. But here I am. - Had a touch of a “dream”, some-thing about some-body needing me to go some-where for some reason. The truck was dead, of course, but some-how, some-body got it started and brought it to me. So I, and some little gal got in and off we went to where-ever it was we had to go. But then, we got stuck in traffic, in an under-pass, in the rain, in the dark when suddenly, there was some sort of a loud “thud” and ALL of the electric went out, street lights, store lights, and every vehicle stopped running. My concern was that, when the electric returned, the truck wasn't going to re-start. And... the alarm woke me. Odd... - Now this morning, just pouring coffee, a thought: as a child, getting up at 6.00, to go to school, was horrible! Too early. But these days, as with general adult-hood, waking at 6.00 is rather “lazy”. And I have this “thing” about it. 6.00 is “late”. How fucking strange. - Last night's reading of “Nora” was when she and brother left home, walked the length of The Bronx River, sleeping under a bridge in Bronxville, making their way to a Summer camp in Westchester or some-where on Route 6. But as she described it all, the Snuff Mill, the Botanical Conservatory... sitting on a bench on Mosholu... WOW! It was “my life”... all over again. But then, that's why I SO wanted the book in the first place. I hope the extra copy I ordered is in very good condition, worthy of sending to Theresa. - There are 2 more books en route now. “We Do Not Throw Rocks At the Teacher” and “The War At Home”. (I would like to get another copy of “Rocks” but the only other copy available now is 23$. A bit much. And the description is “Unknown Cover” so... I take no chances. - Meanwhile, back at the “home”... the roads are wet, the air isn't all too cold this morning, and it smells... of “wet wood”... OLD, wet wood. Hey! Better that than fucking barn-shit and septic tanks. Indeed. - Photos await, and I want to get the garbage together and see about getting it out of here! - AND... I can't find a place that will ship larger clay pots for the trees here! Pisses me off! I'll have to post a “Beggar's Note” at the Pee-of-Oh for a lift to Walmarde, or “If you happen to see, in your travels... I will pay for merch. and shipping.” At some point, I'll have to get in touch with Richie. It's always easier to ponder at night. Well? We shall see... indeed. - For today, we do what is at hand... what-ever that might be. - Another day. - 9.39 Well... Mr. Moron strikes again. SHOPPING! I just can't take the blue walls so... for about 16$ I ordered a gallon of paint... Blamallzoon, of course... now that I'm a “Prime” customer. AND Clorox Clean-up AND new sponges for dish-washing. Oh well... 40$. BUT... the prices were good and there's no travel, no time, no gas, NO WALKING, NO SCHLEPPING! AND... though they're arriving Wednesday, Thursday and Friday... individually... GREAT TIMING! Now? Only to hope for the energy and interest. And so... there's the morning, as the sun is in the sky, the temperature is rising, the fucking furnace has been on to take the fucking chill out of ME... (I'm concerned: cold hands and such... but urine is clear, light, no “bits”... I'm fucking paranoid about “kidney” infections and UTIs now... FUCK!) - So? So... on with the day... and photos! - 14.34 I AM IN FOR A YGUE CRASH! Laid down to snooze at about 10.30-ish, alarm set for 11.30... by 11.03, I was back up... filled the basin with water to wash some under-items, grabbed a cleaning rag and dusted the radiators, found a pair of “2xist”s that needed a little stitching... WELL! Stitched them, then put them in with the washing. Washing done and hanging, off to SORT THE FUCKING TRASH AND “RE-CYCLING”! Break-down the ice cream containers, crush the plastic bottles, sort through and re-bag. Now there's a bag of trash and a bag of re-cyces on the back porch. (FUKKIT!) NEXT? Made cookie dough for 3 “bakes”. In the fridge. Wash the dishes, put them up. Now? HOOVERING! NEXT? MIGHT sort the trash in the barrel. I've NO idea where it's going or when or how. (Maybe I can coerce Alden? IF he gets here on time? OR... I could leave a “note on the board” at the Pee-of-OH! Either way... it's GOT TO GO! SOON!) - Just looked at the thermo out front. Cloudy skies, still air... 55F! Toasty! Roads are dry. Damned shame I can even get the truck to start! (Although, maybe the dream? Get it started and then die en route back, I've do doubt.) - Anyway... SOME-thing got ACCOMPLISHED with this day. And I can't believe it's not 16.00 yet! (Although, next week it will be.) - AND... PAINT, CLEAN-UP, SCRUB SPONGES... EN ROUTE (or soon). Imagine ME! - 21.01 Well? The paint's ordered but my fucking GROCERIES... THE DOUCHE AT AMAZON TOLD ME TO PUT ASIDE MY GROCERY LIST (“Save for later”), CREATE A NEW ORDER, PLACE IT THEN RETURN THE “SAVED” ITEMS TO MY CART. YEAH? FUCKED! THE COFFEE AND JUICE AREN'T AVAILABLE NOW, NEITHER IS THE CHEESE. SO... THERE WAS A TERSE EXCHANGE WITH “CUSTOMER SERVICE” AND I'M PISSED! - BUT... Trash sorted. Hoovered. Made cookie dough so after burger and rice with veggies, made about 6 dozen cookies! I DID some-thing with this day! - FORGOT TO MENTION: VOTER REGISTRATION CARD CAME TODAY! I'M BAAAACK!!! Not fond of the fact that it's a post card that indicates political party. Noticed a bit of a “coldness” from the Pee-Oh-Mistress. Oh well... Retards. - Donna rang. She'd slept on the floor with Candy last night and was tired tonight. But gave support and comfort about Medicare and cataract surgery. Cut me short though, when Candy woke. - And... it's comfy warmish out tonight. Not heat necessary! And I'm on my way to bed!

Wed.04.Mar: 6.33 I schluffed-in again this morn. Was “lights out” by very shortly after 22.00 and rather rudely awakened at 23.45 by a repeated tapping of some sort. At first, it sounded like knocking on the door. I got up, looked about, saw nothing and no-one, went back to bed and thought “It sounded like a frantic knock on a wood door. I don't have any heavy wood doors.” and with that, drifted back to sleep. Heard the 5.00 alarm, hit the “snooze” thrice (or twice), then the “STFU” and dozed until just past 6.00. But, I'm up, in from smoke and the day progresses. “Progresses”? Yeah, sure, indeed. I'm dressed, coffee at hand, looking out at the over-cast sky, with tinges of “mauve” in the ensuing light. “Red in the morning”... Météo tells me “2° with 'Faible neige'”. I see now “neige”, “faible” or other-wise out my window. Then, for the rest of the day? The little “icons” predict a combination of just about all they've got: “Soleil, nuages, pluie, neige” all together as one, high of 4°. “SUCH FUN!” Fuck. - ANY-what... as for the day? Photos. No sense even trying for much else. Tomorrow, at some point in time, the paint should arrive. Today, it's the sponges. Friday, the cleaner. Food? Can't be ordered until Monday anyway. So? (I need to get rid of trash. I need to get new pots for the trees and soil.) I'm half tempted to just go back to bed. It's “one of those days”. But I'm up, awake, up, about. We shall see... when it's all over and done and I sit here wondering how it got so late and where the day disappeared to so suddenly. - 20.23 Well... the sponges arrived... Corey and I laughed... small, light, easy to handle and deliver. Now, let's see if the paint and cleaner arrives tomorrow! (I phoned Amazon this evening to let me feelings and intentions be known. Same shit... pander, patronising. Fuck shits.) - “Meal”? Rice, cooked in mushroom soup, with veggies, cookies and “creamer” after. Filling? Mostly. Nutritious? Probably not, save the soup. Then again, yeah, perhaps. - All told though... another “wasted” day and, as I said this morning... here it is, the end, and I wonder what the fuck I've accomplished. - Yeah, paint and Clorox due tomorrow. - More minuses on the temperatures for the next couple days and “flocons”. Well? It is still only March. - Saw, earlier, one garage door WIDE open. Can't figure how. But I went in to close it (and to pass by the truck). There's lumber in there but none that I believe will do me much good. Some 2x4s. What-ever. My “shelvings” days are done, I fear. - The truck? Poor thing. All snowed-in. Nothing I can do until end of month now... and I've GOT to NOT spend! - That said, I do believe it's time to head to bed. Why? Because.

Thu.05.Feb: 4.55 Yes... 4.55. And here's why (I suppose, if there is a “why” to it).
To begin with, I did go right to bed at 20.30, and settled-in to read what became the rest of “Nora”. I'd forgotten the story, and Tippy died, “Lucy” (Nora), got a full scholarship for a boarding school... in fucking “Brattelboro”! in the last pages. Oddly (or not), seeing “Brattelboro, Vermont” in print actually set every nerve in my body completely OFF! A “dull rage”... Another “psychosis” of mine that I don't suppose will go away before I die. So I'll just add it to the rest of them. More shit to haul on the “toddle” of Life. I couldn't help but snap the co-relation: Lucy goes to Brattelboro, Bridghie went to Bennington, I went to Burlington. What a shit... a grand shit. So, hoping to dispel all that, I continued to read the final pages, almost as if I were trying to flush it all out before sleep. (Didn't, of course, but read on any-way.) No sooner got the last words devoured, up, to the living-room... Isabella! Something “lighter”, another “old friend”. I didn't want anything as “thick”, as it were, as a Salinger. And back to bed to read a few more pages. It wasn't even 22.00 when I put the light out and, thankfully, drifted to sleep almost immediately. (I can't decide if it's actual “fatigue” at day's end or simply “tedious boredom that does it. But I DO tend to be concerned that my body is accustomed to “snoozes” and that I'll wake, mere hours later... and... well... came the DREAM:
This one was rather horrific, almost violent. What didn't take place at night happened on a dull-grey, dreary, rather post-drizzle wet. “Heavy”. And, for the notes, “1st person”. - The “night” portion... I was “in residence” at sister's, had been staying in a room, not for a very long period of time, weeks or perhaps a few months. All was going rather well, I was working toward leaving, some-how similar to the situation at 5199, an income, perhaps similar to Soc.Sec. But again, the truck came into it all. What-ever vehicle I had wasn't running, so my departure had to be postponed until I got that running again. Well, sister and I were having some sort of cheerie chat when she simply changed her mood and tone and demanded, bluntly, not angrily or loudly, that I was to leave, immediately, get out of the house, go, any-where, some-where but go, at the moment. (The sudden personality flip was very much like “Tippy” in Nora's book... the drug-induced split.) I was almost devastated, having no place to go to and no way to get to it even if I did have a some-where. But the demand was immediate, so I left. - Next, I was in a store or some-one's place, it was all quite ambiguous, uncertain where I was, but it was another woman. A friend? Acquaintance? Again, non-specific. She, this person, was on the phone with sister and I started to tell the person “Tell her...” but then stopped and asked to have the phone. Once on the line, sister took her usual hypocritical tone (that she has in reality), that “sweet, delightful, innocent” shit, the “Oh my golly!” bull-shit sort of tone. (Again, another “Tippy” characteristic, as she did when “Miss DeFranceso” came to call at the flat, in the book.) The more she plied that bull-shit with me, the angrier I got, telling her “You KNEW I had no-where to go!” (This, so very close to the actual day I was “removed” from 19 CTN! But never got the opportunity to actually say, with any anger.) “Oh, I know you'll do just fine. Every-thing will work out for you. It always does. You're very good that way... at that...” she said, in her “sweet, little lady” tone. And my rage grew! I let it out on her, over the phone, about having no place to go to, no way to get any-where, no-one to turn to, and being thrown out, at the very moment, with no concern or consideration. I was in a fit, and it was all coming out. And the more I told her, the “sweeter” her tone became. I suppose the stress in the dream became too much for me to handle, even in sleep because.... SNAP... I was sitting in a “diner” sort of place. The atmosphere/environment changed from “night” darkness to the dreary grey and “post-drizzle”. I was at the counter and in the front, to my right, there was a sort of “beauty parlour” set-up but the front windows. There were several young women working and chatting over there when one of them stood up and made a grunting sort of sound, bent forward, extending her arm and leaned on the back of one of the “booth-style” chairs. I had no idea what, exactly, had happened, but the other women were most concerned. I assumed a miscarriage. I don't know why, but it seemed the only thing that made any sense. (Perhaps this too, came from the book, “Lucy” wondering if “Eddie” had impregnated her via a “blow job” of sorts.) Anyway, the rest of the girls began signing, softly “Feel the love” which, I was to understand, was the affected woman's “theme”. She'd become very popular, at least locally, singing it. The next thing, almost every person in the diner/hair-dressers was singing along, softly. Even I joined because it was nothing but repetition... “feel the love”, over and over. At one point, I thought I'd harmonise, a bit louder, so as to be heard and perhaps some-body would be impressed and I could get a “gig” singing, for some money. But it wasn't appreciated, so I stopped. The “issue” was this woman's illness, not my “talent”, as it were. SNAP again... out on the street... a very broad street, an intersection in the town. The day had gone darker again, some-thing like “twilight”, but a tough darker. The street was wet, still that “post-drizzle”, but it was quite warm. It appeared to be either a poorly-attended festivity or the end of it. And intersection, of sorts, of 4 or 5 streets, the main being about 4-6 lanes wide, no trees. But it was entirely too large, actually, for such a small, nondescript town/village. I was with a small group at their “stand/table/location”. Not a “part” of them, but familiar enough that I got to “hang around” at their position. The group was alone, and located rather in the middle of the main, broad road. Just a bit away, another group, again, like “stragglers”, had their tables set-up, There were others, but the distance between all was that it made the whole thing quite “empty”. And there were very few passers-by. Well, it was late, dark, wet. Seemed what-ever “festivity” had taken place, it was done. Out of no-where, sister and husband appeared at the group I'd been with and the rage inside me rose again! That THEY would have the utter gall to come to a group of people where they MUST have seen me standing! She or he or both were actually intent on confrontation! I was ready to let loose, to FINALLY beat the breath out of both of them, there, on the spot, in the middle of that intersection when I thought “There's absolutely no sense, no use, no good in it! Neither one of them has the actual mental ability to comprehend ANY of this, their evil viciousness! She'll spin it into her own 'martyrdom', I'll be made to appear the agitator, the oppressor, and right now, what I need is some place to go to tonight! Leave this alone.” and I walked over to the other little group. As I was standing in that group, trying to appear as though i was “part” of it, I turned, looking back at the former group, just in time to see a car, with some sort of “cart” in tow, rolling toward the other group of people. Not a sound, no engine sound, the car just came rolling along the other-wise empty, broad road, and at first, I thought it was coming to pick-up the tables and such their BUT IT CONTINUED TO ROLL... DIRECTLY INTO THE GATHERING OF PEOPLE STANDING THERE AS IT MADE THE BEND IN THE ROAD! VEHICLE AND CART... JUST ROLLED INTO THE CROWD and I saw 3 or 4 people ploughed under the front of the car! As I yelled “OH MY GOD! NO!!!!” I woke... I think I actually yelled in my sleep, but what-ever... I woke, not excited or any-thing, as if I'd just woke naturally... the dream hadn't really affected “me” directly (strange, that). I rolled over, looked at the clock... 2.25. “Too early.” I though, calmly, “I hope I can get back to sleep now, at least until 4.30.” And, I rolled back over and probably did doze, in and out, on and off until... 4.31 when I looked again, at the clock and decided it was close enough to 5.00... and got up, put on the coffee, rinsed the clench-guard and got the “morning routine” under way.
5.48 and it's taken me all this time to recount the dream. First coffee done. “Rush hour” beginning on the main. The “plough's” come by, probably to salt Simonds Hill. There was a bit of snow on the parking area when I went out for first smoke. Not much. Claim is 1°/-3, 4° and mostly sunny for the day. Makes no difference to me, really. I have things to be occupied with today (photos, perhaps a note to include in the copy of “The War At Home” to send to Theresa...). 3° and snow tomorrow, MINUS 3 and sun on Saturday. 6° and sun on Sunday and Monday? 9-fucking-degrees and a few clouds! Monday... food day. Oh well... Probably not.. with the fuckery of Amazon. - And the plough comes by on its return. Dumb-arses. There's nothing on the pavement, but they're careful... MORE than across the lake, to be sure. - Now? For me? ON WITH THE .... what-ever. - 15.56 Started clearing the drawing-room and gave up, went for a snooze for an hour. Just woke, went back into the drawing room and it's ready to be attacked. Now... IF the paint arrives, the question is: “IN WHAT FUCKING CONDITION?”. I'm NOT too positive in my out-look, I must say. Especially since the Clorox is coming in the same parcel. But, we shall see, in about 90-120 minutes. - Meanwhile, cookies are in the oven, I'll put the rice (left-over from last night) in with to warm. Meal. Corey. PAINT! (One can hope... silly one.) - Not really feeling altogether all together again this evening. The sun is shining. It's only just the slightest chill to the air. But... I swear... it's anxieties. The truck. The 600$ electric bill due in July. No doubt, increases in the electric and Internet. Not happy. - OH! I DID get into Joan's today, to check the walls and such because of the cracks I'm seeing over here. Her washer's quite nice and clean. Her table at the window isn't half bad but... Will either be offered? I doubt it. And all the chairs that went missing from up-stairs are in there, noted as “Alden's chairs”. Hmmm.... I wonder if he'll want the table from here. If so... I'm out of a kitchen table. We shall see. No sense adding to the anxieties... though, I don't see why not. - Message and photo from Dorothy. She's got a “boot” for her foot. I commented that I got an Ace bandage and Velcro slipper. Tried to phone her. No answer. So she got a “dose”. Sweet message ending with “You're such a Yeomans”. I HOPE I've pissed her off. I don't give a shit. - On to the cookies and “meal”. - 21.26 Taking a break from painting.... and what a fuck it is! - Let's start by saying that “meal”... hefty portion of veggie-rice, was OK. I'd bakes some cookies and had a few after. - I'd no sooner started eating when Corey arrived. THE PAINT! And.. he had to re-tape the box! Amazon folks did a shitty job of sealing the tape and the box was a bit of a mess. Well? The Clorox didn't spill. I was happy about that much. The paint? Well, to be honest, it was all in the can but the top of the can was obviously banged and dented. There was a bit of “drippage” that had dried where it had started to LEAK! THANKFULLY, it was OK-ish. BUT... I got on the phone with Amazon and BITCHED! “Charles” didn't even offer to replace, simply gave an immediate refund. I wasn't too thrilled, but I accepted and was most gracious. And, as it turns out, good thing that I got a refund because this “Kilz” is SHIT! TOTAL SHIT! Thick? Yes. Coverage? SHIT! The first coat is on and I still see SO MUCH BLUE coming through! And it took half the gallon for the first shitty coat! Thankfully, I had a half gallon of the Walmarde stuff left. I've mixed that in and am hoping the next coat will cover well enough. But this is HORRIBLE! But I paid it 16$ (cheap), got 18$ back (I'll see if they give it to me). So for practically “free”... I'm still not happy. And now I'm waiting for the shit to dry! I started at about 18.30, even set the furnace up to 70F (which I'm going to stop now, as it runs again) to make sure the room was warm enough to dry. the bath-room didn't take this much effort! And I haven't even done the base-boards... and probably might not tonight. Fuck. Oh well. So I'm sitting in the kitchen, looking at the “wet tracks” on the wall. Pissed. - So much for this “project”. It had BETTER turn out better than “fair”. If not? 30$/gallon at Aubochon's... I'll be fucked. Not only the money but the carrying it back! Alas... - Well? I've had a smoke. (Could use another.) Back to work. I'll be up until 1.00 at this rate. FUCK! - I'm tired!
FRIDAY MORNING, 3.39 I FINISHED THE PAINTING! FINISHED AT 2.49!!! I MEAN... 2 COATS AND THE SHELVES WENT BACK UP AND THE LITTLE BOXES WENT BACK UP ON THE SHELVES, THE FLOOR GOT HOOVERED, THE WORK TABLE IS BACK WHERE IT WAS. THE ONLY THINGS NOT UP ARE THE DRAWINGS, BUT THEY HAVE TO WAIT TIL THE PAINT DRIES COMPLETELY OR THEY'LL STICK. 18.30-2.49... ALMOST 9 FUCKING HOURS! *** AND *** THE DAMNED ROOM STILL LOOKS FUCKING BLUE! THAT “KILZ2” IS SHIT! TOTAL SHIT! I USED HALF THE GALLON FOR THE FIRST COAT AND IT LOOKED LIKE SHIT. I ADDED THE HALF GALLON OF 'COLORPLATE' OR WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER I GOT AT WALMARDE AND THAT REALLY HELPED NICELY FOR THE SECOND COAT. BUT IT STILL LOOKS A BIT ON THE “BLUE” SIDE. OR MAYBE IT'S JUST ME. WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER. IT'S DONE... at least for now... until I decide to put more white paint on... when I have the truck to go get the shit. BUT AT LEAST IT'S NOT “BLUE BLUE”!!!

Fri. 06.Mar: 3.46 and now here I sit... SHOWERED! Having a hot water. I HAD to wash my shirt and jeans. Got paint on them! Fuck. There's still traces of 2 drops on the jeans but they're SCRUBBED! And so am I. Trying to decide: snooze or stay awake? I'm in jammies but it's time to get up already. I took a naproxen too. My BACK HURTS! But... it's worth it. The room isn't BLUE any longer. And here I sit. Yes, I'm tired. Not “exhausted”, but tired. A snooze... I'm so accustomed to those, I might be able to pull one off before sun-rise... or - Oh well... the painting's done... AT FUCKING LAST! - 4.19 Gonna try a snooze... - 10.23 FINALLY got my old arse out of the bed at... 9.33! Alarm set for 8.00 but... never mind all that. I'm rather impressed that I got out of bed at all, quite frankly. But I did wake at 9.11. AND... with the delightful sun shining in through the window (though météo says it's -1, going up to 2° with neige to come), I put the coffee water on, had a slash, vitamins, got me clothed, toddled into the drawing room to find... IT'S STILL FUCKING BLUE! (though I must say that, sitting here at kitchen table looking in, it's almost a pale, greyish blue sort of colour). And WOW! Did I ever do a shit job of THAT job. There's the slightest “strip”, tiny though it be, of the original blue across the ceiling-wall. I'm going to focus on the “grey-ish” and let it be. One more coat of white might have done the job but there's not enough to do it all AND, the shelving is back, the work table is back and I'm NOT going to be bollocksed nor arsed. - Been out for a smoke. Since Ms. Becky's in the office and I'm not sure who's running the show this morning over there, (red vehicle in the “parking”), I strolled round the house, as if to “check on something”. The sun is actually warm! Though I have to note that, when I finally went to bed at almost 4.30, the temperature in the bed-room read 18° and I was quite comfy-warm. (The bed-clothes, how-ever, were “chilled”.) And this morning, at 19°, I'm on the “misty” side of comfort so I'm wondering: fatigue-burn? Could well be. But... I'm up, dressed and on the 2nd coffee and the morning is still almost morning and there we have it. Oh, and the drawing room isn't strictly “blue”. There! So much for that. - What to do next? Check the post and... ponder meals to come. Other-wise? There are photos to be sorted, a note to write to go with the book that I want to send to Theresa. And...? And... fukkit. - Bonjour. Fuck. - 16.59 Well...the “item” of the day, aside from re-settling the drawing-room... spoke with Donna. Candy is over-night at the vet. Donna is distraught. But we chatted a while, and that was, as always, wonderful. - Shortly after, being un-able to actually “focus” on any one chore, I went for a lie-down... of about an hour. I DID say (to me), over the night “You can always snooze. You're accustomed to that.” and so I did. Still tired now, though. - Chicken is in the oven. Rice cooked on the stove. Another “meal”, another day, another “end” of “another day”. - The skies are cloudy, the breezes blowing in from the East (not good). A touch chilly but certainly NOT as we've had before. It is, after all, only March... “planting” doesn't come until May so... - Well? Meal then... what-ever and off to bed... again. Tomorrow will be “better”. - Oh... another “PTF” and the Pee-of-Oh. “Chloe”. Seems nice enough but gave no reason to believe she'll be here for a duration. Poor dear, boxed all the mail and THEN got told about “the old way”. People... PO... fukkem. “Favours”. Honestly. I don't mind getting the post directly. That much less time spent out-side as the Postal-? sorts and such. But when people “demand” the favour? Fukkem! - OK. Time to see if the chicken's cooked. It's been almost an hour and I'm hungry! - Shabbat tonight. - 19.48 House is still. All's away. Donna rang earlier. Gave me Debbie's mobile. SHE wants to talk with me. Gee, after her selling Donna off the way sister did me and I should want to talk with some-body ELSE capable of that? I shouldn't think. Anyway, just had a Nighty Night, It's not so much that I'm tired, but I want to get back into the “routine” and it's snowing again, and I'm not in a “mood” to be awake, would like to “do” something else, but watching “Not Going Out”. No sense being up and about. But meal was filling and I'm still clean from last night's shower so? So. I a few moments... Isabella and... lights out. Hopefully I won't wake at a ridiculous hour. - 21.11 Can't believe it... passed the time to 21.00! And now? Off to bed! (Right after last smoke.)

Sat.07.Mar: 6.15 Up and rolling... in my jammies. In from a chilly smoke, but... no snow. How nice Feeling a bit “heavy” in the chest though. Got right to bed after the last entry last night. A bit of reading and off to sleep. Slept well too. The tea, perhaps. What-ever. I slept through the night. No strange dreams and all. Could have some-thing to do with the morning “heavy”. I dunno. Don't care. Can't care, really. - Just wondering, this morning: If we, humans, people, folk, evolved from single-celled little beings, why haven't any OTHER “evolutionary beings” happened in our “more recent”, recordable history? If beings evolved, why has all of that evolution stopped? And as for our evolutionary history, the “Big Bang” and all... I have to remember Sam Adams (and the “84 foot-path” days... I wonder what ever became of Sam) saying, at the age of about 13 years “God was invented to give answers to questions that can't be answered.” I marvelled, back then, at such a belief. “No God?” Imagine, today it's easier for me to believe that than all the un-provable drivel that was stuffed into my head. - And so here I sit, at the lovely window, watching the day-light happen o'er yon trees. I never did get to see my much-loved “blue ice” this Winter. No little “road trips” through the mountains. Always some-thing denied. Oh well. But the walls here, in the drawing-room are looking grey-ish. So? So. - There we have it. - Today? A note to Theresa, water-colouring, writing, or... at 21.00 tonight, typing “Well, another day has passed. I don't know how. Didn't do any-thing with the hours, but they've passed.” - And tonight, as we “sleep”, “Artificial Time” kicks in at 2.00. “Day-light Savings”. Bollocks. Tomorrow when I get up, it will be 6.00 if I wake at 5.00, and 4.00 today's time if I wake at 5.00. What nonsense, really. “Time”. There's “morning”, there's “night”. There. - For now, I should have coffee. The vitamins seem to be causing reflux, or something. The “heavy” is increasing. One of these days... BLAM! To the floor. “The end”. One of these mornings. But right now, what-ever. - Monday is “food order”. Let's see what Amazon won't make available.... then. - 10.23 As the sun shines in through the windows, just back from the post...
Becky made a special move, to get out of her vehicle, in front of the house to say:
“They were just talking about you, the don't know how not to be insulting when you get started telling your stories. So I told them “Just say 'Jude, go home.'.” So I merely said “Duly noted. Fuck off.” to which she replied “I didn't mean to insult you.” I replied “You didn't.” So much for trying to be “sociable”. I have to make an effort at being “part of the community”. That stops today. No more efforts. No more “lifts” accepted. Let's see how it rolls from there.
Any-way... on with the day. No books arrived. Just a statement from the credit union. I've snoozed. Washed some under items. Time to move along. - 23.27 and 2 v-tons in... I don't care. Meal was fine. I've finished the crisps. Finished the cookies that I baked today. Pissed and yet resigned to the “event” with Becky. A touch tired and ... AND... at 2.00 tomorrow... a fucking hour goes with the change of time. (Thankfully, I've no clocks to change... they're all “automatic”.) I'm considering a 3rd v-ton. No alarms for the morning. I'm fed-the-fuck-up. And so... with “Would I Lie To You” on video... Fuck the rest.

Sun.08.Mar: 8.57 (which, yesterday, was 7.57 but folks being folks, it HAD to be fucked with and so it's almost 9.00 instead of almost 8.00 but no matter... it makes no difference and after 2 v-tons last night, I didn't much expect to be up and about any much earlier than this anyway). Sky is clear. (Wish I could say the same for my lungs.) The air is slightly chilled and I've seen a temperature of 8° for today and 11° for tomorrow. (And then, toward the end of the week, -11 at night again... the fat lady hasn't yet sung.) Still “abraised” by the “Becky” incident but that too, shall pass. As I always do tend to say: My name and no others are on the payments for my bills, I go to sleep as I wake each day, solo. I “owe” no-one, no-one “owes” me. We leave it all at that. - Meanwhile... there's another day ahead. No telling how much, how long, how little, how short... and there are “things” to “do” to fill the time. Tomorrow I have to return the “wandering Jew” to the Pee-of-Oh, I'll get the book (Rocks at the teacher) if it's in, and then toddle along the road, with polite decline of lift offers (should there be any). I've lived amongst 8 million and spoken to none... I most certainly can be amongst 140 and do like-wise. I didn't come here to “collect friends”. Let's leave it all at that. - Now? On with the day. I'm dressed, in from smoke, coffee at hand. It commences... and runs away. - 18.03 “Meal”, spaghetti, cream of mushroom, done. Dessert? A mug of creamer with sugar and vanilla. All done for another day. - The sun shone beautifully all day and I put more music on the iPod (German) for tomorrow's toddle. - Took a “break” and went out to the back to shovel more snow away. As doing, Alvin came over... CAME OVER, to say “You're costing New Russia some needed revenue.” (I'd like to think he was joking...) “We keep the snow there and try to keep it until July when people will pay to come play in real Adirondack snow.” Apparently, they do that sort of shit in Lake Placid? Anyway, I responded when spoken to and then he noticed some people hanging about in front of the Pee-Oh and went away... much to my relief. And I came back in to finish putting music on the iPod. - I rang Donna, to check on Candy. Tony and I were “the only 2 who called”. No surprise there. The call was brief. She was feeding Candy, who's doing well, and I'd just put on “meal”. - Tomorrow still looks to be 10-11° with sun. Plan? Return the cuttings in the morning, perhaps get the book and post and then head on into town... for the entire walk. Any offers of lifts? Polite decline. - And now, it's “18.03” but it's actually 17.03 and I'm tired. A snooze and then... I don't really care. The dishes are put up. The house is... - Of note: My chest is SO HEAVY... all day today. I wonder... am I on my last year here? Or, are my lungs clearing after 8 years of breathing shit? One never knows... Frankly, I'm thinking the former and not the latter. Oh well... Kay Sarah Sarah. - 22.31 I took a 40-minute snooze after “meal” this evening and it's thrown me the fuck off! So now, hot water and then to bed, no matter what! Thankfully, I don't MUST be up at 5.00 tomorrow, but I don't want to be up later than that. - The day? Well, I got the music on the iPod, ready for tomorrow's toddle in 13° weather. Got the little “letter” to Theresa written, to put in with “The War At Home” when it arrives. Just reconciled the Community for smokes tomorrow as well. I don't dare check the “shopping list” until tomorrow because I'd rather not go to bed pissed-off (as I'm sure I will be tomorrow when I go to “shop”). This fucking so-called “pandemic Covid-19” bull-shit and the idiots and dolts that are clearing every bit of edibles on the planet. May they rot, right here on this Earth! I'm fucking sick of it. - Anyway... Isabella's waiting for a read and the night is upon us so it's time to wrap it up.

Mon.09.Mar: 5.39 FUCK! COFFEE, GARLIC, CHICK PEAS AND OLIVE OIL ORDERED AND THAT'S IT! Granted, 3 coffees, 3 chick peas (didn't get the seasonings for them though... FUCK) BUT JUST ABOUT EVERY-THING ELSE I HAD ON THE LIST IS “UNAVAILABLE”! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS? I've little doubt it has something to do with the bull-shit “Covid-19” flu threat that isn't a real threat at all. The mental retardation of the general population is being played ever so very well... People are buying shit up because the idiots are fucking frightened... like a bunch of little retards in a room where something dropped. Nice way to begin a day where the wind is blowing and it's supposed to be “fair” weather and warm AND I'VE GOT A FUCKING 8-MILE HIKE AHEAD OF ME! Right now, my chest is in spiked straps. I need to get away from this. Well... the order will arrive on Thursday as it is. I can hold til then... of course I can. THREE coffees! YAY... I fucking suppose. - And to think... I woke, OF MY OWN, at 4.45! Got to lights out by about mid-night too. But, I suppose it was enough sleep... considering the snoozes. Now... to stay alert for the toddle... THIS should prove interesting today... NO SHOPPING BAGS... THE STATE HAS BANNED THE OLD PLASTIC BAGS... good thing I hoarded. AND I have to buy chicken, pasta and cheeses. AND... I'll be WALKING BOTH DIRECTIONS! Oh well... and shopping with 88FS. Should all be quite interesting. I can't give a shit. I just can't. And then the truck comes hammering down on my head....
Truth is, since coming to NR (NRNY... like Narnia but...) there have been “moments” and, to be honest, all “moments” have managed to “settle” rather well. OK... except the incident with Joan. I NEED to keep that much in mind... Things WILL settle... HEY! I'm here, have a bed, a table, A FUTON, AND A DRAWING ROOM! Things... settled... Time...
So now...to “settle” me, my nerves, the rest. - Fucking way to start a day though. - 8.52 and a “re-start” following an hour's snooze. 9° out there (so they say), and by 14.00... 15°! (So they say.) And I'm dressed for the toddle already... though my heart and chest are ready for a trip to the summit and away. And the sky is clouding. 20% chance of precip. (So they claim.) But there's only one way to be certain about any of it... roll with the day and comment. Mean-while, we just let the time and the day be what they will. Truthfully, I'm really not looking forward to this walking today. But there's no rush. Nothing “pressing”. A lovely day (supposedly), and a great one in which to be out and about. Fresh air. Sun-shine. And a stroll along the mountain way. (I'm just really rather pissed about not being able to order the flour though. That means either waiting or making another toddle or going with-out. There's enough for another 2 loaves of bread so it's not as if there's none. But not enough for bread and cookies, so I'm trying to figure what to get for “desserts”... thought of puddings, but that requires milk. I've some in the freeze. I shall ponder. There's 90 minutes of walking during which to ponder. - Took the pine down from the front of the house. It's looking rather “beige”. The “snow-flakes” will come down soon. I have to look into the sheers for the front windows next. More money I don't have. But there are prospects to the day ahead... if I should managed to survive. We work with what we have until we drop. And no matter where or when that happens, once gone, nothing else matters. Hey! At least I don't have a large house full of shit to be disposed of. - Last night, reading Isabella's book, I happened upon the fact that when her “successful” father died, he left 200$ in a banque account and a handkerchief in a safe deposit box. WHO would have ever thought it. Then again, had I a lot of money, valuables, there's nobody I'd leave any of it to. Really. Nobody left ME any-thing of much value... the other 3 got the best of all that was to be “bequeathed”. So? So fukkem! FUKKEMALL! - Enough of that for now. Just waiting to return the plant to the Pee-Oh... fetch my book and toddle. From thence? From thence. - 9.11 (imagine) and all the on-line Journals are posted. - 14.26 Well... Went to the Pee-Oh, let the cuttings, got the book and left. Came into the house, put on the jackets, boots and left. 10.30 I was OUT and on the road! 13.55 I was back in the house. Opened the front windows, opened the back door, peeled off the soaking wet shirt and t-shirt, put on my jeans and a light shirt, had a smoke on the back porch... put the 2 packages of chicken into the fridge, the veggies in the freeze, the 2 boxes of pasta in the cup-board, cheese and 2 frostings in the fridge, nasty clothes in the basin to soak and have “reconciled” the account for the 5 packs of smokes (leaving be with enough for only one more). Of note: Jeff was at Kinney's when I got to the market. I said nothing. He said nothing. I shopped and ... did the entire trip today... in 14° HEAT!!! I HAD 5 LAYERS ON! IT WAS HELL! AND... not an offer of a lift until I was just starting up the little hill coming in to “town”. I must have looked the complete shit by then... sweating and quite out of breath. Stranger. Never seen him before. So funny... mere steps from the front door. But, truth be told, I wouldn't have accepted an offer from a “local” any-way. FUKKEM! FUKKEMALL! But I listened to my “Schlagersahne” en route. Quite lovely. (Oh, and a stop to pee at the little brook just before E-Town.) It would have been much better had I not been over-clothed. But here I sit, at the “work table”, cooling-down, front windows and back door open. Charming! Indeed. Listening to Angelika Milster... “Ich liebe dich”. Delightful. Next? Wash the clothes in the basin and then... I don't know and I'm not thinking about it. - Of note: My chest is feeling better. Thrice I coughed-up little clots... lightest green/yellow, tiny, with clear. I have to think that the walk does me good in that respect and MAYBE my lungs are clearing all the shit they got coated with over 8 years in Shitholia. Who knows? Who cares? What-ever. - Now... on with the rest of this day. There's chicken for meal if I want. Pasta too. Oh... and TWO DOZEN eggs... only ONE got slightly chipped! I could have veggie fritatta too! Choices! Imaginez-vous! (Marde.) - 18.31 TONNES of pasta for “meal” tonight! Butter and cheese... CHEESE... that I carried 4 miles in the heat. A “creamer” with chocolate frosting and peanut butter after. And of course, meal at 17.00 and all done by 18.00. - 14° out there now, 19° in the bed-room. Warmer out than in, to be honest. But the sky is hazy/clear. Tomorrow's forecast, 9° and rain. Sunday? -3 again. Oh well. I was just looking at the South side of the house... a mess, road gravel and shit. But cleaning it now is entirely too early. The lilies are starting to sprout. Any freeze and they'll be gone. So? So... let it ride. (I need the truck! Fuck!) - I've all to do to stay away from going to bed. Looking toward a hot shower before though. Necessary. - Clothes were on the rack on the back porch today. Drying but not quite enough. They're in. The curtains and windows are shut. All is back to “normal”. - I'll watch some “tele” and head to the shower and then to bed. No rush in the morning. Unless the book arrives ... which is most doubtful because, once again, USPS claims it was still en route to them on the 6th. Incompetent idiots. I'll wait for mail to be boxed and the “folks” to depart. No sense in going near any of them. (Tomorrow, I'll start the investigation into whether or not I can get a free PO Box too... I'm rather ready for a battle... and if no box? Well... they get no more hot water from me. Fukkem!) - But, right now... hot water to “flush” the old system. I'm sneezing a touch. Probably road shit in the nose. Chest is fine though. That's a plus. Hopefully all will be well in the morning on Tuesday. - Food expected on Thursday... COFFEE AND JUICE (and olive oil... BFD). - 20.27 and I've managed to stay up until... - Donna rang earlier... short chat about Candy, who's doing well, though she cried terribly when Donna went to the market. and about weather and bugs and... short chat. So I went back to tele and now... it's getting quite chilly in the house so I'll kick up the furnace, get a shower and off to bed by 21.00!!! - 21.30 SHOWER TIME!

Tue.10.Mar: 4.00 after a SNOOZE from about 22.30 until 1.00 this morning. BLOODY-FUCKING TOOTH-ACHE! LOWER RIGHT. I got up, went to the loo, rinsed it, wiggled it, put some gel on and shoved the DenTemp in and went back to bed. Dozed for about 90 minutes and it started again! So I grabbed it with my fingers and tried to pull it but BROKE THE FUCKING THING! NICE CHUNK GONE! SO... BACK UP, BACK TO THE LOO, BRUSHED THE DAMNED THING UNTIL IT BLED! Smashed more gel into what-ever is left and shoved MORE DenTemp in. Well? It's time to wake up any-way so... coffee went on, I got dressed and here I am, sitting at the work-table, typing. Oh... and as I was getting dressed, noticed “skids” in the under-shorts SO? They're in soaking in the basin. 4 o'fucking'clock in the morning and here I am... coffee, in from a smoke, washing in the soak. FUCK! And out-side, it's chilly again, and cloudy. Max for the day is expected to be 9° with rain. How charming. So much for the plan to sleep-in nicely and go to the Pee-Oh at about noon. Now I've got the morning to pass... probably napping, here and there, on and off. Oh well. It's not as if there's any-thing of importance to attend to... THANKFULLY no “toddling”. So we'll just see where this all fucking leads. - The furnace is up. I'm tired and cold. AND... I'm in NO fucking mood. - I have the “notion” to paint but not the “inspiration”. Quite frankly, I don't know WHAT I want to do. I do, but making shelving is out. I don't want to cut up any more of Alden's lumber. The truck still needs attending but I don't have the money. There's the PO Box issue... but it's too early now. So? So... the hours will pass... They always do. - I'm in a fucking nasty mood. Let's hope people stay away. - 11.13 and I'm JUST in from checking the post (nothing), there's a bit of sun-shine out there in the WIND, but no rain (as is in the forecast), AND I'M JUST WAKING UP... I'd gone for a lie-down snooze at about 8.00-ish, set an alarm for 8.40 and never heard it because, as I see, the “sound” was almost off. Hmmm... No prob. I must have needed the sleep.... on the futon. I heard the cacophony in the Pee-of-Oh when it opened and the zoo gathered. I heard the “thumpa-thumpa-thumpa” of the paper-towels, but I dozed back off. So, I've gotten my “nap”. Météo claims 11° out there and “Pluie en cours”, though there's not telling where. The sky to the South is quite dark but no “pluis” icitte, to be sure. But 11°! Charming. I'll just finish my coffee and go on about my day now. - Looked in the mirror before going to check the post. WOW! No sleep and the pain are obvious on the old face this morning. Best, I suppose, that I did sleep this one out. - So on with the day.. what-ever that might be. - 21.06 Done with “tele”. Done with the day. Started another “short story” about the night on the dead-end dirt road. Writing these exhausts me but, I keep thinking “I've lived long enough to 'tell the truth'.” Why? Well... because. Kafka wrote dark. Woolf wrote dark. Tolstoy wrote dark. Fine. I'm tired. Quick shower and to bed. HOPING NO TOOTH-ACHE TONIGHT! And tomorrow? I need flour. 5lbs on the back again. Maybe more chicken whilst there. Not sure. We'll see. And, I'm thinking: if I put off payments-forecast, I can start putting money into the truck again. SUCH FUN! (I'm transposing letters as I type. Tired.) Meanwhile, out-side, fog rolling a long and temperature dropping. More “fun”. Well? Coffee's due on Thursday. Theresa's book is “stuck”. Fucking “OSM” or what-the-fuck ever service the book sellers use. Annoying. - For a bit today, was in a horrid mood. And the large back burner on the stove is fucked. Had to change the elements. Veggie firtatta, large, 5 eggs, for “meal”. Peanut butter/frosting for dessert. Tired. - PLEASE NO TOOTH-ACHES TONIGHT!

Wed.11.Mar: 6.31 NO TOOTH-ACHES LAST NIGHT! (Though, just as I was getting ready to put the light out, it was rather painful... but... NO TOOTH-ACHES LAST NIGHT!) Slept right through from about 22.00 until about 4.25 when I woke and decided to wait for the alarm. The alarm sounded. I turned it off and dozed until. 6.-something! Decided to get up and out of the bed, coffee on, and on with the morning. Dressed, coffee, smoke... - A “chilly” morning again, this one. 0° out there. High of 2° with sun. Sunday's still looking double-digit minus (13) for the night. But single-digits other-wise. I'm pondering a toddle today... pondering. I need flour. - In other news, it's another one of those “what if I drop dead here” sorts of mornings. Feeling “that way”. - And then, in OTHER news... THE NEW GROWTH ON THE AVOCADO AND ORANGE TREES IS ASTOUNDINGLY BEAUTIFUL! REALLY AMAZING! IT HAPPENED SO QUICKLY! “SPRING”... THE LITTLE TREES KNOW BEST AND IT'S GRAND FOR THE HEART! - Now... let's see what will come of this day... We're roaring into mid-Month. And ah... the 15th... 34 years ago... and then, there was the trip from Riverdale to Millbrook Ridge. “Anniversaries”. (I still believe that I should have stayed on the ridge. NEVER should have come down that night. Maybe THAT will be the next “short story”... might make for “interest”... another “dark” tale. Odd though... I can't actually recall how I got back to Riverdale... Sad... there are no notes... It's claimed that our brains never “forget”... I wonder... I'll have to see if I can't dig that all up.) Yesterday was Purim. I've some notes on that... Decorating Riverdale Temple and being locked-out of the flat... Purim... at the rail station. Yes... there are notes on that... Let's go dig. - 7.47 Well... the “digging” is done. The old “kalbah” journal referenced (it's still up on the WP, images all referencing the old Photobucket account). Nothing to be found post “15 March 2007”. 2007... seems like much longer ago but there it is. - 2020 Census completed, on-line. I'm counted amongst the “New Russians” and back in NY. - Still chilly out there and I'm still feeling quite “off”. Chest. Hmmm.... I've no doubt, seriously, that there's really quite some-thing “considerable” going on in there. Coughing produces nothing odd nor “out of sorts”. Nothing “pink”, or, as I was reading with regard to CHF, “foamy”. Just the usual little “lumpy bits”, small, slightly “greenish-yellowish”, tiny little bits. I'm of the thought that the majority of my “ailment” is just anxiety... .the truck, primarily. And bills, heat and such. Anxiety. Oh well. “Time” alone, will tell. No sense in adding to currently present anxieties. Nothing can be done, at this point, to change anything. - So? So... we move along. (At least I'm counted amongst the “New Russians” and the “New Yorkers”. The asked for “lineage”... “German”. So there!) - 10.36 NYSEG READING SUBMITTED. and there we have it. - Just thinking... OK, not a good idea... “thinking”, but I'm thinking: IF what I suspect is going on in the “lungs dept.” these days, and it's not actually “anxieties”... regular progression of what I'm suspecting expected... August, JUST as I hit the age of 65, will, more than likely, be my rather “last”. Time to make that “list” of “I don't have to be bothered with” items. Shame, really, because I'd LIKE to have the Journal and G's go on for some years. The domains are good until 2021, but that's the years the domains AND the hosting come due. Well? The “good news” about that is that, should my suspicions prove, I can take the necessary fundings for those and channel them as I like... and to Hell with the rest. Cancer is a “friendly” disease, giving some advance notice. Charming. - That noted this morning, I'm just waiting for the Pee-Oh to close. Theresa's book got sent to Lake Placid! Talk about “idiots”! There's NO direct route from Albany to Lake Placid so it's a case of “mis-directed”. Seriously. The Northway is the most direct route out of Albany to Elizabethtown. To get to Lake Placid, one MUST go up and over the mountains AND, if the truck came up the Northway... with exceptionally few exceptions, it HAD to pass through E-Town. Honestly... idiots. - A for the toddle today, I'm opting for waiting until tomorrow when the temperature is supposed to be a bit higher. It's rather chilly out there, a touch over-cast. And... I'm not really in a mood for “adventure” today. - Now, I hear the post being boxed, and in 15 minutes, the office should close. I'll check that, and I guess I'll make bread for today. (I've already had a 45-minute snooze earlier.) - And another day rolls along. - 11.08 No post. Bread-makings are out to come to “room temperature” (and the furnace is running, set at about 65F... hmpf.) Just stopped... thankfully. And other than bread-making, I'm wondering what to “do” to fill the day. Hmmmm.... back to bed? No. Should keep moving, some-how. Why? Not sure, really. But going back to bed isn't really a sane option. Oh well... - 15.43 8 more pieces of chicken are in the freeze. 2 pieces are in the oven, baking with rice. 2 more pieces are in the oven, for tonight's “meal”. 2 loaves of bread are baked (quite nice too... part whole wheat, part “365” and 4 eggs). The dishes are done and put up, the counter is clean. And the right side of my entire face is in PAIN!!! The bottom teeth that I just “filled” are sore. AND, upper, last tooth on the right? Exposed to the root! No gum! I've NO idea when THAT happened. But I tell you... the PAIN right now is enough where, had I a gun... (and, of course, the ammunition)... tonight would be THE END! I mean... SERIOUSLY AS FUCKING SHIT! I don't have enough to fret over/about? FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME! It's getting to the point where, given a nice spell of weather... off to the summit! SHIT! It won't be long now until I won't be able to fucking EAT at all! - And there we have the up-date du jour. - Oh... and I posted “Schlaflieder” to my “Schalgersahne”. May as well... put them on. - And that's been my fucking day. How lovely! Tonight's going to be interesting... pain and needing rest for tomorrow's toddle for flour, at the very least. FUCK! - The pain in the upper tooth is a sudden “BANG!” followed by “BANG BANG BANG!!!” But as long as I'm standing, doing some-thing, moving about, it seems better, OK. FUCK! WHAT? (Gotta find pliers.) - 18.50 ROAD SALT! EVERY FUCKING YEAR... SAME THING: the snow goes, the roads dry, the traffic kicks the dust (with the Winter's salt) and... AND... MY FACE GOES PAINFUL! And I'm out there, on the road, walking, as the traffic goes by AND... BLAM! PAIN! Same shit, every year. - Meanwhile, “meal's” done. But the chicken and rice didn't cook properly so, more water and more time. And... I'm exhausted, ready to snooze. The pain's subsided so I'm exhausted... until. - Put a DNR in with my banque cards, to carry along. What-ever. It's been HELL all day. Just in from a smoke when I realised... road dust, road salt... How charming. And no truck. - Oh well... now to stay awake a bit longer, try to figure what to do about sleep tonight and tomorrow's toddle. Such fun... NOT! - 23.40 3 v-tons in. Not caring. Trying to numb the pain for sleep. No plans on toddle tomorrow. And.... out for last smoke in the cold and to bed. FUKKIT! - (QI tonight... grand.)

Thu.12.Mar: 8.39 Didn't get out of bed until almost 8.00 this morning, and probably wouldn't have done then, had it not been for the need of the loo. Typed the last line of yesterday's entry and went directly to bed last night. No reading. Just in, under the covers and done. - This grey and cloudy morn, a touch of “digestive disturbances”, too much frosting, no doubt, coupled with too much vodka, no doubt. But “cleansing”, to be sure. As for “toddle”? Doubtful. Not in the mood, really, else I'd be prepping to leave now. - Face and teeth a bit better. Not perfect, to be sure. But better. - The book appears to still be in Lake Placid this morning. Coffee, garbanzo beans and olive oil en route. And there's the morning. And the fucking furnace is running. - There. Morning entry. - I'm back to the loo. - 13.39 Well... I went back to bed at about 9.00 and stayed there until 10.45. Teeth bothered me a bit as did the general “annoyance” of the Pee-Oh. (Still contemplating calling for free service, particularly when I think of paying their hot water which probably comes to the 5$/month I'm paying for the PO Box?) ANYwaaaay... there we are. - Theresa's book arrived today. Paper-back. Library book. Great condition. It's now wrapped (in cardboard and paper) and ready to be posted tomorrow. (It'll be interesting to see how much it costs and how well it arrives at its destination... considering the “USPS” here and through.) - And now, as the right side of my face returns to the painful norm, tea water on the boil, chill in the air, this morning's sun-shine gone... on with the rest of the day until coffee and such arrive this evening. - 20.43 I can't believe how late it's gotten! - RE-PACKED THAT UPPER-RIGHT TOOTH TONIGHT! WOW! HAD TO PULL THE OLD PACKING OUT AND WHAT A CHUNK! SO NOW, I'VE ONE MORE CONTAINER (and not really in a financial situation to get more but...). ANY-WAY... AFTER PULLING OUT THE OLD, BRUSHING, RINSING AND RE-PACKING... THUS FAR... IT'S A LOT BETTER! THERE MUST HAVE BEEN A GAP IN THE OLD PACKING. AND, I'VE LOOKED-UP “FUJI IX”, THANK YOU BOB MORTIMER, AND IT'S GOING TO BE ABOUT 60USD TO GET SOME OF THAT. BUT THAT APPEARS TO BE BETTER, STRONGER AND LONGER-LASTING SO.... NEXT ON THE SHOPPING LIST BUT NOT THROUGH AMAZON! THOSE FUCKERS PULLE $1,52 OUT OF MY NY ACCOUNT! I GOT ON THE “CHAT” WITH “PRERNA” OR WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER WHO DODGED THE SITUATION, COULDN'T GIVE ME A REASON FOR THE CHARGE! I'M FUCKING RIPPED! IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE COFFEE ORDER (which arrived at about 16.00 this evening...) BUT EVEN ON THE “INVOICE” THERE'S THE CHARGE BUT NO EXPLANATION!!! I'M FUCKING AT THE END WITH AMAZON'S BULL-SHIT! But there's quite a lot of coffee in the house now, thankfully, and a bottle of Colavita olive oil, thankfully, and more garlic which is under the brand name “Jackies” but the label says it's.... BADIA! YAY! Hopefully “Badia” quality, but with recent experiences with Amazon, I doubt it. - So I spent much time researching the “Fuji IX” on-line. Thankfully, I found the “Would I Lie To You” video of Bob Mortimer telling what he uses. MUST see about getting some... soon. - Rain tomorrow... so a “toddle” is out of the plan. No breaks until 15.00 which means I wouldn't get back until 18.30 at the earliest. Too late. Then again, I'd like to see what the sales will be at market for Sunday. If butter... YAY! (Bad enough I have to get flour... HEAVY!). - So, right now, having a hot water. Will do some soc.med. and perhaps a video or something. No panic tonight... no toddle tomorrow. - OH... AND... SOMEBODY MOVED THE “POW” FLAG TO THE END OF THE PORCH, REPLACING THE U.S. FLAG! I'M AT THE END. TOMORROW, I CALL FOR A FREE BOX OR SOMETHING! BAD ENOUGH I'M PAYING THE HOT WATER AND NOW, GETTING NO CONSIDERATION. AND WHEN ALDEN COMES BY, I'M GOING TO ASK HIM ABOUT HIS COMMENT ABOUT THAT PLACE COSTING HIM. I'M DONE WITH THIS SHIT. - Time to wrap this day up. Now, my heart aches wondering about the safety of sending the book to Theresa who, by-the-by, “Reminded” my other books on Minds. I've sent her a copy of “Lembrook” via e-mail. She expressed interest in it. (A free e-book and a regular book. I think I'm being “kind”. She deserves them, thus far.) - Now to HOPE FOR NO PAIN TONIGHT! - 23.21 TOOTH-ACHE'S BACK... and I'm going to bed! FUCK!

Fri.13.Mar: 6.40 Slept-in. Hmmm... But I'm up, coffee at hand, in from smoke, in the rain, as forecast. Managed to get sleep last night (considering the tooth and a bit of pain before drifting off). Woke with the 5.00 alarm and dozed back off until about 6.00. - This morning? Feeling “not quite here” but annoyed, a touch angry because of the money taken from the account (Amazon), bringing back the delivery of propane with-out any notice, the bull-shit about the flags on the front of the house, paying the hot water for the Pee-Oh with-out being told... and paying for post service. Annoyed because I can't trust these Libfux to deliver the book to Theresa in good order. Touch of anxiety about having to deal with that shit in the Pee-Oh for rates and such. But the money bothers most. The rent cheque is still out-standing. Money is down to the penny in the accounts and the rent cheque is still out-standing. And my chest is “clamped”. Surely it's because of the money, the tooth, the truck, anxieties that I can work-out, work through, toss aside. And before going to bed last night, thinking about the tooth, and the pain that's sure to follow with that. This one's no different from others in the past, like those that caused Hell for a while and then, at long last, just came out. Or, this one might cause all the more troubles, infections and the likes, and me, having no dental, medical and no way to get to anybody who can “attend” to it. Oh well, where that's concerned, there are pliers in the house, vodka... a drunk night and... taken care of. Other people have done more drastic. Let's not be idiots about it. - Well? Here I am now, waiting for the incompetent twat to come into work. I'll HAVE to deal with THAT this morning AND the old one (Becky), no doubt. Should be an “interesting” sort of day here, in New Russia. I just need to prep. - Moving along... “Time” will tell all. - At least there's no “toddle” today. Nothing necessarily needed. No problem. - 6.56 Just posted the up-dates to the on-line Journals... “just in case”... - 9.49 Book's out to Theresa! 2,80$ with tracking. Not bad at all. Sadly, as I waited for the payment to go through, Becky walked in, said “Good morning.” I returned the greeting and nothing more. Got the transaction done (“credit” so I wouldn't have to go behind the counter), said my thanks and as I left (immediately) “Have a good day.” says Becky. Truly? If chatting with me is so inconvenient, then don't engage. Anyway... the book is on it's way. - Rain's still coming. Won't stop until this after-noon so I'm not planning on a toddle. - Tooth is a bit better but not painless. And I'm rather “snoozey”. Coffee's done. Soc.med.'s done. OK then... - 11.38 I laid down, shortly after 10.00 and... just got back up out of the bed. Didn't want to get out of the bed. Had set the alarm for 10.45, heard it and laid there, in that “dream place”, awake and yet not. - It's raining out there. It was SO QUIET in the Pee-Oh this morning. Goodness! And now? I sit here, wondering why I'm up and about. Should get back to the photos. Should be thinking about how to repair the truck. Thinking and yet, just at a loss of purpose. So this is “retirement”. Pfffttt! - 14.01 After bread and tea, stepped out for a smoke, in the sun-shine and across the road, a doe and her 2 fawns have managed to get into the enclosure at Cliff's and one of the fawns is PRANCING about, playing with 2 crows that are also in the enclosure! I've NEVER seen a fawn so playful! SO CUTE! I wish I had a civil camera... and the ambition to go over and take some photos. But I don't. - Received TWO calls from “NOTCH” (Richford), voice mail advising that, because of this “coronavirus” no appointments will be made with-out telephone pre-screening “to protect our patients”. Seriously... this thing is already the cause of shut-downs of most public gatherings, has caused churches to close, schools, political and general meetings, gatherings of about any size for any reason. I'm just waiting for food markets to close as well. (Might explain the shortages of food at Amazon as well.) Well? The Democrats were screaming, mere months ago, that they welcomed an economic crash... looks like they're getting it. The severity of mental deficiencies amongst Democrats and Liberals is astounding. What bothers me most is that the rest of the populations are enabling this farce. - Meanwhile, the sun's come through the clouds, it's delightful out there. Shame it's so saturated and muddy. But... here I am... keeping... “occupied”. What-ever. - 18.21 Veggies, pasta, 3 eggs, salt, pepper, garlic, cheese... FRITATTA! AND IT COOKED PERFECTLY! AND... I managed to eat it with-out serious pain! 3 slices of cinnamon toast after with a mug of “creamer”. ALL DONE! (Dishes too, of course.) - Meanwhile... THE WIND IS AMAZING! The rain stopped round about noon-ish, the sun came out and the WIND blew in and hasn't stopped yet! Blew my little signs down AND took a window screen off the front! (Also took down the “POW” flag from the corner of the house... tee-hee-hee. That shit should be on the Pee-Oh anyway... I'll have to check with Alden to see just WHAT USPS is renting... and how much of the porch they stake claim to... fuckers.) But the wind! Quite amazing! And... bits of mountain snow are falling down here in the hills. Should be an “interesting” sort of night. - And me? Sleeping, on and off, here and there, now and again... sleeping. Why? I don't know... depression... The truck isn't working, my tooth hurts, and I see “Aspen Dental” takes new patients with all sorts of HELP... but they're in... of course... PLATTSBURGH! I'm going to HAVE to try to get some kind of loan from the credit union to repair the truck so I can get my medical (I'll have to go to a Dr. for Medicare anyway) and dental and a little job and... stuff. I'm not counting on them being of any help at all, but, No ask No know No possible yes All No! - Rang Donna just to chat. Voice mail. So? So... Will pass some time then go to bed. Down to 0° tonight. Up to 5° tomorrow. Thankfully no negative double-digits. Now, let's see if the electric holds. - For now... some “tele” or something and then off to nightie-night-night. - 23.03 Well... I've done it again... passed a day... another fucking miserably wasted day. Just had 2 v-tons, 2 hard-boiled eggs (that were quite delicious, surprisingly) and multiple episodes of QI. - Donna rang... I believe. Called on the Skype number so I missed the fucking call. 2 phones fuck it up. But one was in the drawing room. Oh well. - And now? I'm off to bed! Bed... again. - The wind is still blowing, howling, out there, but the sky is delightfully clear. The road's clean at last! No more shit in the air. YAY! - So now? To sleep the night away... I HOPE!

Sat.14.Mar: 7.58 Out of bed at 7.30 after a night of deep sleep through with... lower right, all the way in the back... TOOTH-ACHE!!! LOWER RIGHT this morning. At least it's on the same side. And sensitivity to the hot coffee. How delightful. Well? Look like we're in it for the duration, as 'tis said. - 2° out there this semi-cloudy morn. And the wind is still with us. Charming, indeed. Had a naproxen with morning vitamins. Let's see what that does for the rest of the day (I see naps). As for the rest of this “new day”? No clue. But, by 20.00 I'll be wondering where the time went and chastising my-self for having done nothing with it. So? Let's roll. - 11.56 It's been a painful and “heavy” morning, but I DID discover TWO things: 1. My “hand-warmer” packettes are useless... expired... fucked. 2. Hot, wet compresses to the face help the pain so... SOOOooo... IT IS THE DAMNED SINUSES AGAIN! Does it make for better? Well, I'd hoped to use the “hand-warmers” but I'm down to tap water, still, I suppose ANY application of ANY sort of some-thing is better than just bearing the pain. - The sun keeps coming and going. The wind's died-down a touch. The temperatures are still chilly and it might be the fatigue from the pain, but I can't get warm. So, I'm going through “image files” until it's safe to go check the post... (she ought to be gone by now...) - 12.13 Nope... nothing in the post... not even the weekly paper. That always makes me wonder. - So, there's the day. Now? On to what-ever until “meal” (which I dread, with this face/mouth/tooth pain). But, at least the compresses are reducing the pain... at least. - 22.46 This after-noon... a call from Dorothy! We talked for almost 2 hours! THEN, just s I sat to meal, a call from Donna! For about an hour! TWO on the same day! I AM amazed! - AND... I've managed to decrease the PAIN... with multiple applications of a HOT face flannel! Yes... it appears that the pain is the sinuses! Right now, it's not perfect but considerably less than it's been. - As for the rest of the day? Well... Tough times are coming. Smokes won't last til Wednesday. THEN... Wednesday is “TRUCK” time and money will be almost non-existent for a while. So? So... there we have it. - Meanwhile, multiple episodes of QI and temperatures out-side dropping until -10 tomorrow night. And there we have it. - I'm off to bed.

Sun.15.Mar: “Beware the Ides of March”: 34 YEARS: 7.15 -4°/-9° Slightly cloudy and a “reflected moon” just out-side the window. And I'm remembering 1986... And I'm remembering 2007, Metro North, Gardiner, Millbrook Ridge, the snow, black plastic trash bags, a bottle of vodka, licorice-flavoured black charcoal... *And he bowed and curtsied to the knight, who reached and offered him his hand as he led him down to the long white car that waited on the access road. At the age of 52, he knew he'd found 'forever', as he roared along through Ulster, with the cold wind in his hair....* And I'm remembering “her”... “it”... “THAT”... appearing out of no-where, to “talk with them”, and it telling me that it wouldn't take me to the train. “I don't want that responsibility! I'm sorry!” YOU were then, as you have been ALL through all but 5 years of my entire existence, a grand part of the reason, the cause, and as always, you simply TOOK what you could get, just took... TOOK, TOOK! Although now, I've come to realise that it was also my own fault. I gave, and gave and... not any longer. Funny, isn't it? For as long as you give, they're all quite happy, comfortable and content, and see you with loving, caring eyes. But when you've run out of any-thing to give, because even your soul is depleted, “I don't want that responsibility. I'm sorry.” and you become useless, trash, discarded. And I'm remembering the “other thing”, and the record that remains of the battle that never took place, to the best of my recollection, the lies. “Ruining my good name” it screeched, and then left MY name besmirched. Touché old thing. But as it is now, “check-mate”. But today, I know that I'm to blame as well... giving, giving, giving... But no longer, and no guilt, no “sorry”. 46 years of just pondering, thinking, wondering, wishing, and this morning... I HAVE “come home to die”. I sit here, in the calm, as the sun rises in the silence of this morning, where, for 46 years “possibility” and “potential” were mere thoughts to distract and deflect s nothing but images... and NONE of “them” are any-where even NEAR... and it's peaceful this morning... as it should be. I don't have “that responsibility”. I gave. You took. I moved on. You've done NOTHING for me in MY time of need... now I do NOTHING for you in yours. “Balance”. *Peace, be still.*
And last night, I typed “I'm off to bed” and indeed, that's where I went. A light brushing of the teeth, into jammies, under the blankets, a bit of reading and by 23.30, the lights went out, head on pillows... the next moment, it was about 6.45 this morning. Clean the clench-guard, make the coffee, toss-on clothes, out for a half-smoke, another day... another day... Let's see what THIS one brings... or takes. Another day... (and I'm remembering). - 9.39 WELL! I'd no sooner sent off copies of the “1986 change” to Donna and Dorothy when the phone rang. Donna... “We almost lost Dorothy last night. Did Debbie text you?” Yeah, right. Any-way, seems Dorothy was preparing her dinner last night when she... “had an episode”, as Chrisula used to call it. Blood sugar dropped and she passed-out on the floor. Chet found her, called emergency and off she went to hospital. She's home today. But had Chet not found her, no telling what would have come of it. As Donna said, she'd either have gone into coma or just gone. So, it was the perfect time to tell Donna that I truly don't want Debbie in my life right now. Debbie did to Donna what sister did to me and, as I put it, I don't want that kind of shit in my life, with the few years I have left, and I don't want to take that kind of anger with me when I go. Donna said “We're on the same page there.” but Donna's got more “tolerance” that I, and I make no excuses for me. But it's a bit of an “awakening” for me. Good thing I have that “DNR” on the fridge with the “notifications” listed. What, with the sinus infection, the heaviness in the chest and all... How odd though, that this morning, there's been that dominant thought about “Well, parents and grands are dead and gone and the world just keeps moving. I can't say any-thing to any of them now, questions will never be answered, issues and matters won't ever be settled, and eventually, I'll be gone too... 'unfinished' and 'unattended matters' won't make any difference and won't mean any-thing to any-body, from bills to be paid to, well, any and every other thing. In the end, nothing matters, makes no difference. And in the wake, there will be others who'll carry the same shit with them until they too, are gone. We work ourselves up over so much shit whilst we breathe and, in the over-all scheme of every-thing that is the “life” we think of, NOTHING matters at all. Well? There it is. What happens next will be interesting... I suppose. (I wonder what telephone number was given to Debbie to “text” to. If the Skype number... oh well. Leave it at that. - Sun's up and out but it's gone cold. The “high” today is expected to be -1. And I've nothing on the agenda. Let's see how far along I get with settling the on-line Journals. (I should find a “blog” thing, other than the WP, to back it all up. Why? Not sure, really. But... WTF? May as well leave some-thing behind... for some-body.... I suppose. - 15.35 already. Just up from a 45-min snooze after a few messages from/to Dorothy which, as usual, came to a mystery halt. - The sun is shining but the fucking house is cold and I'm TERRIFIED of running too low on oil! (HAD to put the heat up to about 65F... the furnace ran a bit but is off now but the place is still cold. Or it's just me.) - Pulled some shit for tonight's “meal”: rice, pasta and a tin of soup. Bread and butter after... I don't want to get to the chicken, though there's quite plenty of it in the freezer. - Just feeling “off” again, wanting to “do” something and not wanting to “do” any-thing. Another one of those “can't focus long enough on any-thing” periods. Un-settled. Too much thinking about the truck. Started a blurb for a crowd-funder... I'm seriously giving it thought. Seriously. I really don't have much choice except to get into town to the credit union and hope... but I don't have much (if any) faith or confidence in that. It's just too much shit bouncing in my head again and... well... just that. I HAT me when I'm like this! - And again... another day is almost at a close. Thankfully, food doesn't have to be put on until about 16.30 or so... Why “thankfully”? I don't really know. Shit... bouncing in my head. - 15.43 Just received e-mail from the library... apparently the schools AND NOW the library are CLOSED until 20 April! Because of this “coronavirus”! It's a fucking FLU! If THIS isn't some kind of sick joke being dumped onto the entire population of the world... what a fuck! I'm still waiting for the market and FamDoll and the credit union and all to close. Fucking idiots! - 21.50 and off to bed as the furnace kicks-up set at 60F and the out-side temps are -6. Low tonight... -12. Tomorrow up to plus 3... sun... might go into town for food (dessert, flour...) and maybe to try at the credit union for some truck repair funds... can't hurt to try. If my face is still on and my lungs are still functioning... I'm not expecting anything in the post or deliveries so? So. - Another day, gone. - “Meal” tonight? Tin of Progresso tomato soup with spaghetti and left-over ice in it. Tasty. Filling. What-ever. Had a slice of “cinnamon” bread and 2 mugs of water after. - Watched Brit shows this evening and now.., try for sleep. Just sent word to Donna and Dorothy that they can call on the 50729 number all the time. - I'm off to a quick last smoke and to bed now!

Mon.16.Mar: 5.24 And in full roll. Woke of my own at 4.44, dozed a touch until JUST before the alarm sounded at 5.00. Got up and into the swing of the morn of -9°/-11 with just the slightest “mist” above, and the slightest “glitter” to all around from the little ice crystals on every-thing. “Spring” is supposed to be in another 4 days. And this morning, still in a quandary about the truck. Can't just get up to greet the day in happiness. HEAVENS FORBID! Well? Let's just see how things move along and what becomes of this day. (The fucking furnace has been running like mad. Set at 60F. Hmpf! Shit! Fuck!) The high in the forecast is 2/-2 and there's snow on for tonight, and rain with high of 6° tomorrow. Toddle? Not sure. We shall see. - Bottom right teeth are annoying. Hot compresses at some point, I should think. I have to wonder... what's going on with this old body now. Every day... a little something. One day there'll be nothing “wrong”... I'll wake up dead. One of these mornings... - 10.45 And I'm showered, the clothes are hanging to dry in the shower... And so, there we have a way to “pass the time”. It all began with a trip to the toilet that went “wrong”... schmearing, cheap paper, on the fingers, a needed shower... and the clothes needed washing any-way because, for some reason, I was beginning to smell “Homeless”. I noticed it last night when getting into bed. So this morning, I was forced into “cleaning”... me and clothes. Put off the idea of toddling into town... for groceries and a banque-loan. Did manage to do a little researching. Tic charges about 18% for a loan, average re-pay 24 months. No telling HOW I'll manage this but... soon. (There's still the crowd-funding... maybe I'll get to that before today's done... can't bitch if I don't try.) - Listening to my “Schlager” now, waiting for the idiot in the Pee-Oh to leave. Would like a smoke. Have oatmeal on a “soak”. The sun is pouring in through the window. And here we have a Monday... Fukkit! - 22.25 WELL? I DID IT! I PUT UP ANOTHER “GOFUNDME”... WITH A VIDEO OF ME EXPLAINING THE WHOLE THING! AND... JUST BEFORE MEAL, I POSTED THE WHOLE THING UP AND RUNNING AND A LITTLE BLURB, WITH A PHOTO OF THE “CHRISTMAS CACTUS” THAT'S BLOOMING IN THE LIVING-ROOM... IT WASN'T BUT A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER... THERESA DONATED 50$! I'M 50$ CLOSER TO GETTING THE TRUCK FIXED!!!! I'M IN AWE! I'M ABSOLUTLEY AMAZED! (I'm wondering if it will make the rounds... if anybody else will “help”. I'm not expecting... but I'm wondering.) - And, right now, I've had a “healthy” v-ton, the furnace is up... from being set at 58F most of the day... and yes... it's been DAMNED COLD in here but... there's oil to be saved! - And my teeth are bothering me. - And I need to get to bed. Why? Because I just do. - Snow coming at 4.00. Then rain... Cold. No toddling tomorrow. - But for right not... off to bed. I can't believe this day. - Oh... meal was just spaghetti. We're down to that. There's plenty of chicken in the freezer... but...

Tue.17.Mar: 7.33 1°... and some-how I slept through this morning's alarm. Don't know how, but I did. The v-ton before bed last night? Possibly. But at almost 7.00, I woke to the delightful sound of the furnace and.... the fucking PLOUGH! No, there's no snow on the roads. What little snow is falling is sticking to the trees, the grasses. But, of course, the roads were finally cleared of dust and salt and such and now... a NEW, FRESH application! How charming! Delightful. What-ever. - Jeans and a flannel shirt in the basin, soaking. I'm in fro ma halfie because, well, there's that “lump” in the chest this morning. I'm sneezing too. I've put the radiator on in the drawing-room... just because I'm not in the mood to be “chilled” this morning. And there we have it. - I'm still in a disbelief concerning yesterday's GoFundMe and Theresa's 50 with-in mere hours of having posted it to the Author channel on Minds. (I DO have to comment: In mere moments after posting, with a photo of the Christmas cactus and a blurb about its history and the inspiration of Hope the blossoms gave me to do a crowd-funder, the very first comment comes in from the artist-woman in Orange-Ulster about how lovely to read about a rescued plant. Never mind re-posting/circulating it... *I* re-post and circulate. The denseness, the dullness of mind is still almost astonishing, and it shouldn't be. - Any-way, the teeth are giving me a bit of a “reminder” that “all is not well” with them but, thankfully, right now, it's tolerable. Odd, I think, that the trouble came after 2 nights of no clench-guard. I wonder if that hadn't caused some sort of “shifting”. Good that I have more guards. I'll have to “make” another soon. - But for right now... the high today is expected to be 6°, with rain through. So I'm not going to bother with clearing the Pee-Oh this morning. - The sky's gone a bit darker at the moment (and the bloody furnace is back up and rolling). It's actually a “comfortable” sort of day, looking out the window. So let's see what we can “DO” with the hours ahead. Let's just see. - 10.36 Shirt and jeans on the rack in the shower. Radiator on in the drawing-room. The sun's finally making a break-through. House “in order” (I SHOULD be doing some serious cleaning but... I also SHOULD be heading into town for desserts and the likes). Furnace is up and running again (set at 62F). Sent off an e-mail to Theresa this morning. Have gone through the soc.med. Just waiting for the Pee-Oh to shut (she's been banging about over there quite considerably this morning). And... another day rolls on. - 11.08 Well? The “reason for being awake” is done. The Pee-Oh is closed, I've checked the empty post-box. The wind is blowing. Flocons are floating about. The snows on the grasses of this morning are gone. The temperature is quite chilled. AND... the book to Theresa is due to be delivered today! I should get back to the photos, but I'm about to take a “snooze”. The thought of town-toddle today is just... Nope. - I happened to check the electric meter, since the radiator has been set to highest... that little wheel is SPINNING! So the radiator's been set lower. Meanwhile, the furnace is set to 60F and walking out of the drawing-room is quite a bit of a shock. - I need to take something out for “meal” this evening. No dessert though. Oh well and alas. - Another morning has passed. - 16.17 WELL SHIT! I WAS thinking about going into town for smokes (needed), food (ought to) AND A STOP AT THE CREDIT UNION ABOUT A LOAN, THIS WEEK BUT... RECEIVED A “16.00” E-MAIL... THEY'RE CLOSING AS OF TOMORROW! IT APPEARS THAT THERE'S BEEN A “CONFIRMED CASE” OF THE “COVID” IN ESSEX COUNTY AND SO... THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED, THE CREDIT UNION IS CLOSED... I'LL SUPPOSE THE GOVERNMENT OFFICES ARE CLOSED OR WILL BE SOON. I'M WAITING FOR THE CLOSING OF TOPS AND FAMILY DOLLAR... THEN STEWART'S. FUCK! - 21.44 And so another day is done and nothing of importance got done. The rains stopped. The winds are blowing. The temperature is a touch higher. - Theresa received “The War At Home”... AND THERE WAS ANOTHER 50$ DONATION TODAY! AND I HAD TO ARRANGE FOR THE “WITHDRAWALS” BECAUSE IF NONE ARE MADE IN THE FIRST 30 DAYS, THEY CLOSE THE WHOLE THING! MADE A MISTAKE AT FIRST AND HAD IT GOING INTO THE VT ACCT.! I WANT IT IN THE CREDIT UNION! SAVINGS! SO I CHANGED IT, QUICKLY. HOPEFULLY, ON TIME AND NO TROUBLES. WE SHALL SEE. IT'S DUE ON... WEDNESDAY-WEEK... SAME DAY AS SOC.SEC. I'M NOT TOUCHING IT - MUST get into town tomorrow. Need smokes. THAT involves moving money from the savings to the chequing at the credit union. I don't like that much but... AND I'm hoping I can get more teeth-filler and perhaps more biotine. But... no telling. I'll know more in the morning. I don't know what's open any more! This whole “flu” thing is insane! - There's rumour that the Pres. is trying to pass something where “every adult” in the country will receive 1000$ as a “stimulus”. Yeah? The last one of those was in 2009... and I didn't “qualify”. THAT would make repairing the truck SO much easier. So I'm not planning on it. - 2 chicken and lots of rice for meal tonight... prep for the toddle. I made a “sweet vanilla butter”, sugar, butter, vanilla, to spread on bread as “dessert”. Not too bad but the whole wheat just isn't “right”. I'll see about getting regular flour tomorrow. Can't do TOO much at the market... 60$ in FS and not sure about my own stamina. We shall see. - My sherpa needs a washing. It's smelling rather “Homeless”, if I may say so... and I most certainly may. But that's something for tomorrow evening. - Anyway... off to the loo, brush teeth, pee and to bed. Finished “Isabella” last night. Back to “We Do Not Throw Rocks”. I found my-self “attached” to that book... Jeffrey Karliner... New Paltz... the burn on my face under the sun lamp and the old woman saying “He really DOES care for you! He sat there, talking with you, in spite of how horrible your face is, and he looked so pained!” Stupid old shit, her. Dense. - Never mind. It's too late, in ALL ways. Time to get to bed.

Wed.18.Mar: 6.15 Heard the alarm. Went back to sleep until 5.45. Don't know why, but I'm tired this morning. Went right to bed after that last remark last night. Read for about 30 minutes or so and lights out. Slept through, save one trip at about 1.00, to the loo. - Météo tells me it's currently -1° heading up to 6°, but not until well past noon. 0° at 11.00 so... that should be OK, if I want to bring back some ice cream today. - Funny: This morning's “news” has reports of “DHS” planning on turning away illegals and asylum-seekers. Aside from the fact that normal minds and people of any quality would be so-doing any-way (gods forbid we should have any of THAT running the show), the repeated “DHS”.... Department of Homeless Services. Oh... the memories that won't fade. - That said, yes, I'm still in “Town-Toddle” mode this morning. Not looking forward to it but... There's nothing other than lavage on the menu du jour so... - My jaw is sore this morning. Particularly the lower right. And the “bite” feels a bit “off”... toward the left. My jaw's out of line. Oh well... - Thankfully, the furnace just kicked. That's going to be “OFF” when I leave today. - Any-way... on-ward Buttercup... there's fuckery to be spread! - 10.32 Getting ready to head out to town. Not feeling “good” about this trip but the sun is shining and the temperatures are due to rise so... There are things needed... must to go. Let's see how this all turns out. Who knows? Might be better for the “health”? I doubt it. - 15.03 Well... out the door at about 10.45... walked BOTH DIRECTIONS again today AND... I GET TO TOPS WITH MY LITTLE LIST, ROUND THE FIRST CORNER IN “BAKING” TO FIND... THREE FUCKING, 2lb BAGS OF “BREAD FLOUR” AT ALMOST 8-FUCKING DOLLARS EACH!!! ABOUT 10 BAGS OF SUGAR... ALL OF THEM LEAKING! CHECKED BUTTER? NONE! NO EGGS! AND IN A CHAT WITH PROBABLY THE ONLY OTHER PERSON OF SANITY IT THE FUCKING ADIRONDACKS... SHE WARNED ME: NO DAMNED PAPER PRODUCTS! A QUICK VISIT TO THE AISLE... NOPE! NONE! AND NO FUCKING BREAD PRODUCTS! WHAT, IN ACTUAL FUCK'S NAME? THANKFULLY, THE WOMAN WITH WHOM I SPOKE MENTIONED KINNEY'S FOR FLOUR. I'D JUST COME OUT OF THERE FOR MY SMOKES, DenTEMP AND BIOTIN! SO... DISGUSTED, I PUT THE BASKET BACK IN THE STACK AND WALKED OUT OF TOPS AND BACK INTO KINNEY'S WHERE... THE LAST 2 BAGS OF “GOLD MEDAL” BLEACHED FLOUR AND A BOTTLE OF CRANBERRY JUICE! JEEZUS KRISTE! THE INSANTIY! NEVER MIND THE FLU! FUCKING BRAINS ARE BEING EATEN AWAY... EVEN FUCKING HERE! ALL THAT WALKING FOR... 2 PACKS OF SMOKES AT BEST! I'M JUST DISGUSTED! *** THE ONLY GOOD THING? *** FIRST ROBIN! AT PARTIDGE! *** - Any-way, it was a delightful toddle, I suppose. Great weather and it really did go by fine. I walked back in at 13.55! Took my damned time, took a couple of photos of the brook and river. But, over-all... just took what-ever time was necessary. My feet a little sore, but over-all... well, I was out in the sun and fresh air. - When I got back, rang Donna... voice mail. Rang Dorothy... voice mail. Rang Ev and spoke for a few minutes. Her neighbours are watching her. Every damned thing in The City is closed, except supermarkets. Stop'n'Shop has and hour set aside for “seniors”. But, I take it they're well-stocked. - So? The BLEACHED flour is in a container, just to make sure there were no “bibittes” in it. - Mean-while. Alvin's next door again... showing, I suppose, Joan's place, to Jeff's grand-son... the one that drives him crazy with noise and animals and shit. And doors are slamming over there. I've got “Schlagersahne” on with the little speaker close to the wall... hopefully going through quite audibly. (I'm not in the grandest of moods right now. This “covid” shit has pissed me right off. And all that walking for practically nothing doesn't make matters any better. There's a bit of “The City” coming back today... and that's never “good”. I'm disappointed and disgusted with the ignorance and stupidity. This is NOT “My NY”! Fucking FULL RETARD!) - Chicken's gone into the oven. Frozen. So it's to be a while before that's edible. - Other than that? The curtains are open for the hazy sun. I need to get to the river for plant water. Maybe later... maybe tomorrow. Time will tell... - I'm just annoyed and aggravated. - 16.13 Well... done gone through the soc.med., listening to Schlager... and the thumping next door. I wonder... Alden asked if I'd help with clean-up... I wouldn't be surprised to learn somebody else has taken it upon themselves... FUKKEM! - THEN... AS I'M SITTING IN THE DRAWING-ROOM I HEAR “CLICK”! A CHECK OF THE CIRCUIT-BREAKERS? THE FUCKING STOVE BREAKER WENT! *WHAT* THE FUCK IS *THAT* ABOUT NOW? I'm about to pour me a drink and forget about the rest of this fucking day.... The truck. The market. The fucking fuses. The fucking fuck-all fuck-tards... And my teeth are starting to bother me again too. Hmpf! - 21.48 Well. I just placed an order for the tea I forgot at the market today, along with the spices for falafel... on Amazon. No telling WHEN or even IF ANY of it will show up. Put it on the FS... and checked to see if there's enough to cover on the banque cards... NOPE! FUKKEM! - Meal was chicken and rice... I need to bake tomorrow... supposed to be rainy so... and lavage. A “full day” ahead. - No replies from Donna or Dorothy. Not that I expected any. - Got into ALL sorts of 70s “funky” music this evening. SANG like a mad-man! AND Jeff's grand-son spent quite a bit of time over there next-door. I wonder if HE's not doing the “cleaning”. I haven't heard from Alden. I might phone him tomorrow. - Any-way, I HOPE my singing went right through the walls! Let them know how much noise comes through! FUKKEM! - I'm in “a mood” tonight, and the lower right teeth are annoying me. More “infection”? I shouldn't doubt it. - Put the furnace up for a bit. When it stops... TO BED! I'm fed-up with this day. Really.

Thu.19.Mar: 6.57 The sherpa is on the rack, in the shower, dripping. Washed. Coffee at hand. In from a smoke. The kettle is soaking in vinegar-water. Skies are grey. 3°. The world is “damp”. Pondering the washing of bed-linens. And VERY pre-occupied by the DREAM I woke from at 5.00 (and then dozed until 6.00):
I was in the flat, not THIS one, particularly, but similar, with one beside. Working about the place, as I usually do, washing and the likes. I heard some “banging” about in the yard but paid it no mind, for the most part. At one point, I stepped out onto the back porch to see all sorts of lumber about the yard and new steps in the process of being built, on the porch next door and on “my” back porch as well. There were small “fence-posts” along the property line, making the back yard very much smaller. Not full posts, just about 12-14 inches high, more like “markers” where actual posts would be installed at some point. I stepped out into the yard to look. It seemed Alden, yes, Alden, had found a “renter” for the place next door, and was making some sorts of “improvements”. Walking to the side of the house, I noticed several vehicles in the drive, in front, and a young gal wandering about. Another “Vermont” sort, and a guy of about her age... in their later 20s I should think. As I say, “Vermont-ish”, they were. They paid me no mind as they went about their what-ever it was they were doing. I happened to see Alden walking about and greeted him. “I see you've found some-body to take the place.” I said, more out of curiosity than much else. He was very vague about whether or not he had, non-committal about the point. But, no matter, this “couple” didn't appear to be of any particular sort of “class” (“Vermont-ish”) and I was most concerned about trash (them and their refuse). I said, stifling my annoyance, anxiety and disgust, “Well... you've had it good with some-body who's given your property and the neighbours a LOT of respect, keeping the place clean, quiet, well-maintained, to the best of abilities. What you put in here isn't really any of my business. I just hope you don't find your-self disappointed.” All the while, I was thinking “RUN! But WHERE? I can't afford any rent higher than what I'm paying now AND I can't move because the truck's not running!” I was a bit of a mess, under my “calm”. Alden just shrugged his shoulders and went on about his own affairs. - The couple saw me talking with Alden and came over, smug, as “Vermonters” will be, that false smiling and “friendliness” that “Vermonters” will put on, but with a tone of arrogance, as if “We're in this together, him and us, and YOU'RE not one of 'us', y'know.” I said, to them both “I hope you know where you're moving into. This isn't the kind of place to raise kids, and it's not really all that friendly, supportive, helpful in time of need.” and we all started to take a bit of a walk to the other streets. (There were many more streets about than are here, in NR. It was almost a small neighbourhood.) - Bright, clear, sunny day, and as we walked, I tried to impress the incompatibility of the area with “family” style of living. BUT, as we got to the other streets, there were flowers in gardens, the streets were relatively clean and there were KIDS ALL OVER THE PLACE, running about, laughing, playing, screaming. (Even I'd never noticed all of them before and I, my-self, wasn't familiar with all these other streets, having kept very much to my-self (as I've been doing here of late). I wondered if the couple was taking note of the presence of children all about, the flowers, the “pretty presence” of every-thing, and all the while, my thoughts were of moving, getting away, the two of them, loud music, babies shrieking through the night, kids running amok about the yard which, if a fence were installed, would be precious little more than the size of a living-room or the likes. I became pre-occupied with HOW to move, WHERE to move to... I was growing out of anxiety and into anger, betrayed because, un-like when I'd taken my flat and was put through the “approval” of the former other tenant, NOTHING about these two was ever even mentioned to me. And as I grew more angry... the alarm...
Probably the business of all the banging that Alvin and Vivian have been making since Joan's death, the slamming of doors, banging on the walls, &c. over there when they've come to “check the plumbing” and such. Then, the business of Jeff's grand-son coming with “Chuck” yesterday, and the banging about until about 20.00 or so last night. Well... there's ALWAYS GOT to be SOME kind of anxieties, I suppose. And then there's that question Alden had asked me, when last we spoke, as to whether I'd be interested in helping get the place together for re-renting, and saying he'd be up “in about 2 and a half weeks” AND that the rent cheque cleared yesterday... Money for coming here or for supplies or.... what-ever? Then again, as I am and do... “thinking”... “too much”... too deep... But it's wormed its way into my sleep. - Truth be told, this nonsense about all this “flu” shit and the “quarantines” and closures of businesses, the empty shelves at the market, the general “silence” of E-Town yesterday... perhaps that's all getting to me as well. It really isn't any different from any other part of time that I've been here, other than my avoidance of town's-folk (not wanting to “burden” them with conversation”). Though, it was Becky who'd made the snide remark about me being an “annoyance” with my chatting. And surely, it was Crystal who'd prompted such... bored, tedious, moronic women... again. I probably shouldn't take any of it to heart. But then again, the walking to and from market yesterday, and the last time I went, Jeff was at Kinney's when I'd arrived and he didn't even approach me... though, in fairness, I didn't approach him either. Oh, probably making more of it than it's worth. But time, as always, will tell. Right now, I had the dream, I've noted. - The furnace, set at about 59F, is up again. Feels good. Hopefully we'll get up to the forecast of 7° today. Tomorrow... 17° for the high... -5 for the night. THAT'S going to be hard to handle. The 1° for the high on Saturday -1 for Sunday's high... Oh... here we go again... But it IS still March. There's April to make it through and “planting” doesn't commence until May any-way. I just hope I can manage to get through it... if I have to “live” through it. - Need to ring Richie about the truck. I ABSOLUTELY DREAD THAT! But it really MUST be done. We shall see when... - For now, I need to decide on the bed linens.... and to ponder meals to come... especially if there's to be a shortage of food coming along. Gee... It's “The Great Depression”!!! Imagine that! As Oma used to say: In a Depression, the poorest are the ones who make it through because they've got the least to lose and are used to living poorly. Yeah well... I was reading some-where that “evictions” have been suspended some-where, because of the situation. Makes sense... but tenants need income as well as land-lords. If Soc.Sec. is'n't fucked with, we're about the only people who have any sort of “guaranteed” income... unless, of course, there's a sudden demand for an increase in rent... which, under the current conditions, would probably end in a court battle and some-how squashed. Yep... another “Great Depression”... the “Depression of 2020”. “Roaring 20s”... here we go! - 19.13 Difficult typing again... cracked fingers. But...
***** JUST HAVE TO JOT: THERE'S A RED CAR IN THE DRIVE, SLAMMING OF DOORS NEXT DOOR AND A DARK-HAIRED, BEARDED GUY BRININIG THINGS INTO THE HOUSE. GEE... LOOKS LIKE THE PLACE IS RENTED. NICE, EH? I HAD TO BE INTRODUCED TO JOAN TO ENSURE “COMPATABILITY” BUT I'M NOT AFFORDED THE SAME CONSIDERATION. AND I'VE REASON TO BELIEVE THE FELLOW IS JEFF'S GRAND-SON... THE ONE HE'S ALWAYS COMPLAINING ABOUT. DELIGHTFUL! I'M NOW, OFFICIALLY, SICK TO MY STOMACH. ***** IN OTHER NEWS... SPOKE WITH THERESA THIS EVENING, FOR QUITE A WHILE. THERE ARE SO MANY PARALELLES IN OUR LIVES THAT I HAD TO ASK: ARE WE SURE WE'RE NOT ACTUALLY THE SAME PERSON? IT WAS A DELIGHT TO TALK WITH HER. ****
And now? Chicken and rice and bread and butter done. Dishes away. Not sure how much longer I'll be able to stay awake, and this “discovery” and the banging next door is taking a toll. I'm pissed... miffed... I knew the place would be re-rented but I'd thought there'd be some mention to me? Not in the least, something about the “help with cleaning”. Oh well... FUKKEM! FUKKEMALL! Let's see if/when Alden shows up and what's said then. My rent's paid through April as it stands. (Time to check on other places. This is fucked-up.) - 23.53 My fingers are raw again. The tip of 4 fingers on the right hand, so sore! - Got an e-mail from the credit union offering “financial help” in “this time”. Put in for a call tomorrow. Let's see how that goes. - Got caught-up on Minds with Theresa. SO LATE! Off to bed!

Fri.20.Mar: 7.20 and only just getting into the “roll”! And NOT wanting so to do even now! I'm quite tired, the chest is quite heavy, the skies are grey, the winds are blowing, the earth is wet and my fingers are sore. It's damp-chilly in the house. And I'd like, rather very much, to go back to bed. But.. here I am, because there MIGHT be a call from the credit union (telling me “I'm so sorry, but...”). So here I am. Did any-body get the plate number of that truck? I wonder. But, there's coffee at hand and the day has commenced. - I wonder if Jeff didn't make some arrangement with Alden to have the grand-son do all the work next door. There really is NO sense in pondering. It's obvious that the offer made to me has been reneged. Merrily (or not) we roll along. - So? So. On with the day. - I've started a little book... compilation... the major guys from the shelter. A little collection of folks... Dennis, Rey, Rick, George, Angel, Jesus... let's see how that works out. (Another one of those “Try”. Hey! Isabella Rosalinni did it, her father, so famous, did it... tried, didn't, what-ever. The difference between others and me is that I tend to waiver and sway. A little focus, concentration... Let's try that. Not that I see much use in it. There's some-thing quite “wrong” going on in this old body and I know it. By the time all things get going good, I'll be going. Good!) - This morning I can't help but think: I SO looked forward to having a pick-up truck... got it... and it's been “taken away”. I SO looked forward to having a little place in the Adirondacks... got it... and will THIS TOO, be “taken away”? One can't help but wonder. Only “Time” will tell. I'm sick of that saying, but 'tis true. - So let the clock turn, the pages of the calendar be changed... one of these moments, all will be revealed. Mean-while, let us keep “occupied”, “busy”, engaged in “busy-ness”. Indeed. - 7.41 Just checking the e-mails... Another 25$ in help with the repairs on the truck! MAYBE (I doubt it) when the credit union sees the deposits being made to the account there, it'll help them with their “decision”. I MUST remember to mention this when I speak with, what I expect to be, some 20-year old, giddy little girl, or boy even. I need to make a “bullet list” of points... Hell! I'll even change the direct deposit of Soc.Sec. if they approve! Auto-pay monthly. Let's see how it rolls. Don't ask? Don't know. Don't ask? 100% NO. Ask? 50/50. - 10.28 My ANXIEITY level is SPLATTERED on the CEILING right now! I got the call from the credit union this morning, got the chance to go into the story... got the call back from the “loan manager” (Donna, of all names) who told me that, according to “Experian”... my score is... 719 out of 850!!! I don't know HOW, and I'm not asking, but... the “application” is officially under way. Donna says she'll call back in a couple of hours with the decision AND, when it comes to the paper-work, thanks to this “virus panic”, I'll be able to do it all on-line! No need to walk into town! I'm a bit of a shaking mess right now. Meanwhile, I've re-posted a new note on Minds, about the GFM. Hey! THAT'S a boon too... Imagine... the crowd-funder could help pay the loan! (I know... too good, too much... not worthy.) - Meanwhile, the skies are almost a dark Winter-grey, the winds are blowing, the temperature out-side is “civil” but I'm a freezing wreck (nerves). Let's see how this turns out. - Oh, and there's a “drape” of some sort in the living-room next door. I guess somebody will be officially “in” come the 1st April. Oh joy... let's see how this goes along... (There goes the peace of my drawing-room.) - 12.18 *** WELL! THIS IS PROVING TO BE QUITE A FASCINATING DAY: STILL WAITING FOR THE CALL FROM *TRAIL NORTH* (expecting a “No” but...). Checked what a 719 score is and from 3 different sources, it's just about border-line between “Very Good” and “Excellent”! Imagine THAT! (I can't.) * NEXT ITEM: Checking the chequing at Trail North I see that the GFM went to chequing and not savings. No prob. Simple transfer ***BUT*** FUCKING AMAZON CHARGED THE ACCOUNT FOR THE CUMIN AT ALMOST 9-FUCKING DOLLARS, INSTEAD OF THE FS!!!! ANOTHER FUCKING ALMOST FUCK BECAUSE OF AMAZON! SO... I transferred 90$ from chequing to savings at TrailNorth and THE REMOVED BOTH BANQUE CARDS FROM AMAZON, LEAVING NOTHING BUT THE “EBT” ON THE ACCOUNT! FUCK THEM! NO MORE BULL-SHIT! THIS IS THE SECOND FUCK-UP... THERE WON'T' BE A THIRD! - Mean-while, it's SO COLD in here (or it could just be me). The rains are JUST beginning, which isn't much of a trouble since the only thing I was thinking of doing in the out-of-doors was toddle to the river for plant water. (The cactus is BLOOMING in the living-room!). By about 16-17.00 the temperatures are expected to peak at about 16° and then PLUMMET! Meanwhile... I'm chillin' to the bone here! - There was another 25$ posted to the GFM this morning. Already sent my THANKS. So there'll be another post to the Trail North account soon. I won't rush it... but if, by some REALLY strange bit of fortune, they say “Yes” to a 2k loan... I'll put that what-ever it comes to, into the savings today... posted next week but still... it'll appear as a deposit transaction... for good appearances. THEN... the Soc.Sec. will be moved to Trail North as well... essentially almost severing the VT-connections... as soon as the truck comes to NY. - Well, and well again... I'm keeping off the Internet, for the phone line.- Oh... the electric bill came today. The “budget” amount due and the “balance” in the 500 range! OH FUCK! Hopefully, I'll be able to “make arrangements”. (There's still talk about getting 1200 from the govt. because of the “virus” but I'm SURELY NOT counting on THAT, to be all-too-certain. It would be TOO good... especially for me. - So? Moving on. - The electric kettle is smelling “fire” lately. Hopefully that won't go too... it's only about 3 months old! FUCK! But it's “tea time”... something warm to sip and back to work on the “Homeless Shorts”. - No snoozing today... not until the call from Trail North anyway. -
14.00 $1500.00 in the savings! JUST got off the phone! -
23.42 I'm into the 3rd v-ton.. I'll pay for this in the morning, but I just can't care any longer. - 23.51 As you ponder, in your imposed “quarantine”, ponder: Who was the captain of the Titanic? Who were the people murdered in the gas chambres of WWII? Who was your great-great grand-father? What did he do with his days? What is your best friend in 2nd grade of school doing today? What has s/he accomplished? What “life experiences” has your next-door neighbour of 20 years ago gone through? - I'm now, 3 v-tons gone. I'm tired. It's been a day. The lap-top is fucking up. The “task bar” suddenly went out of whack. I spoke with Donna, told her of the day's events, had a terrible connection. Had to ring off because she had things to do. I'm cold. The furnace is “off” but I'm not terribly uncomfortable. Typing slowly. Nobody knows... and nobody would care. I'm tired... of so much. Just tired. I'm going to bed. It's been “a day”. Worrying about the truck that means nothing to anybody else. Nobody will care... and, eventually, nobody will even acknowledge my existence, my residency here. I'm going to bed, hopefully... to sleep.

Sat.21.Mar: 10.49 Coffee's done and I've had 3. Bed linens are in the basin to soak. I'm dressed and only JUST getting up and about! I didn't wake until almost 9.00 and, well, just didn't want to bother with the rest of this sunny and chilly day. Not to mention, I was quite “not right” on my legs when I got up to go pee, put on the coffee water and such. So? So. - The folks next door are “in”... Hoovering. At least they're clean. - I'm feeling a bit “sniffly” this morning. But then, after 3 v-tons last it's almost a wonder I “feel” at all. - Still haven't really gotten over (or even into) the shock of the loan yesterday. It isn't all that much really, not by today's standards, but it's in the account and the re-payments have to be put into the “budget”... 70$/month. It's about to get VERY tight here but ... and of course, trying to get a little job now, when just about every business is shuttered... Or, there's always this morning's thought as I laid in bed considering approaching the day: I might be dead before long so... good thing I'm paying that “Death” insurance. - OK and oh well... shit's rolling in the next door. Busy, busy them. I'll be down to the river at some point today to get water for the plants. Mean-while... what-ever. (I just hope they, next-door, don't be banging on this wall here in the drawing room... the shelves'll come crashing... and I won't be all too happy, indeed.) - 11.33 Sheets are hanging in the shower. Just in from a smoke on the front porch. And, I must admit... feeling a touch on the “down side” of things. Quite “warm”, to the point where the furnace is set at about 55F and I'm perfectly warm enough. Hmmmm? Flu? Or just hung-over? “Time” (again) will tell. - 22.02 Well? Made it through another day... Got to feeling a LITTLE better by about 16.00, after an hour's nap this morning and getting the bed-linens washed. (The other set is on the bed tonight.) - “Meal”? A shit-load of spaghetti with lentils. No dessert. Imagine that. - Other-wise, I can't say I got much of any-thing “accomplished” except more water from the river for the plants. - Furnace is up to 65F now... and it keeps fucking running! Going down to -10 tonight. Fuck! And I'm going to shower before bed. Fresh sheets... fresh me. - I'm tired now... I was tired at 19.00. - Got a bit of soc.med. and now, this day is a wrap!

Sun.22.Mar: 8.25 Yes... 8.25. I woke at about 2.30 to go pee and went back to bed, considering getting up and starting the day and as I considered... went back to sleep until... not sure when but... went back to sleep until 7.55 which is when I FINALLY got up, gout out of bed and started to roll. Now, coffee at hand, in from a smoke in the -6°, sunny morn, there's washing in the basin to soak and the fucking furnace, set at about 58F (damn it!) is running, running, running and I'm way under way. Why? No reason. No purpose. No... just no. But here I am. “Agenda”? None. Just anxieties... the truck, the money, the oil, the house, the me, the day. I HAVE become my Oma! “I have nothing to worry about and I'm worried that I'm forgetting some-thing that I should be worried about.” OK. Well? Let's see what we can add to the “no worries” to worry about for the rest of the day. Hey, at least I'm up and, to mention, “recovered” from yesterday's drag that followed a night of too much “celebration”. “Celebration”... an excuse to over-imbibe. Oh well... it's another day. - One thing that I really MUST get into my head is the loan. If getting all that I need happens slowly, I can use the principal to make the payments. It's counter-productive, yes, but at least the money will go back. After all, I HAD considered doing just such a thing, several times: take a loan, put it into savings (where it is now) and just pay it back. “Recycle”, as it were. So? So... the money to pay the loan is in the savings... If nothing else, it makes for good “credit relationship” with the “credit” union... for now. (That 1k that's being bantered about by government, would be a GRAND BLESSING... which is why I'm NOT depending nor counting on it. The bull-shit mill has been saying that cheques would be going out in 2 weeks from now. Yep... the chaos and disastre that can befall in 2 weeks' time is amazing, especially and particularly in MY existence. And the longer the truck sits, the worse the repairs will become. But let it NEVER be said that some-thing good should come with-out tribulations. Although, in all fairness, I DO have to must admit... generally speaking, being here, in New Russia, “things” HAVE tended to turn to the best. Not quickly, but generally. Oh... anxieties and worries... If I didn't wake each day with those, at the very least, I'd know I'd died the night before.) - Moving along... Let's “DO” SOME-THING with this day... other than laundry. - 23.50 Time for a quick last smoke.... in the COLD!!! Damn it! - Here's a HOOT: Woodhauler's back UP on Twatworld! I deleted the “offending” posts and it's up and running... for a while any-way. I'd like to get Woodhauler “Verified” on Minds. But for now, it'll be fun to cross-post (images only, of course). The fucks. - Meanwhile, it's been another day of waste, save for the “new budget” which includes the loan payments. BUT TRUCK REPAIRS APPEAR TO BE DELAYED BECAUSE THE FUCKING GOVERNOR HERE JUST PUT THE FUCKING STATE ON “LOCK-DOWN” BECUASE OF THIS “Covid-19” FLU! I'M NO LOOKING FORWARD TO WEDNESDAY'S FOOD AND SMOKE SHOPPING! FUCK! - And “meal” today was pasta with veggies and lentils. “Healthy” I suppose, but certainly not enough. I'm hungry. Had a 2-egg fried samich a little while ago and a Nighty Night that doesn't seem to be taking. - Much time on Minds with Theresa. - Oh well. And tomorrow? Nothing on the agenda. Nothing. Writing. Painting. Maybe. It would be nice but... - Right now, time for bed. I've had more of this political bull-shit than I can take. - There was supposed to be a “bill” passed today that would give folks 1000$ next month. The Dems fucked it... as they would. I'm not really expecting to get any-thing, to be honest, but that bill would have helped a great many people now. Honestly, I DO wish some-body would take to the “Civil War” that's been talked about. It would be a nice way to “go”. I'm ready to join. - Oh... the laundry's still hanging... still wet. It's been so cold in here all day that it won't dry. - Yes, time for bed. Let's see how THAT works out.

Mon.23.Mar: 7.51 Well at least it's not 8.00. Not that that would make any difference really, at 0° going “up” to -1 and.... NEIGE! FUCK! BUT... I've cranked the furnace, made the coffee, got dressed, had a smoke (halfie) and am mobile. SO there's that. I WANT to be “productive” today, but some-how, the drawing room colour feels “draining” of inspiration and the likes. One of “those” moments. We shall endeavour to make good... of some-thing. Lettuce sea. Not in a “bad” sort this morning. I believe it's the “warmth” of the furnace. Perhaps, perhaps. But enough of this, time to “do”. I'd also like to get soil from the back yard, a bit of sand from the river, make a “potting mixture”... the cuttings of “Wandering Jew” from the Pee-Oh are rooting already. They must be quite happy here. That's nice. Flower pots would be a pure delight, but... not happening. So? A gallon of paint for this room would be nice but... not happening. Having the truck rolling would be WONDERFUL, but... Surely NOT happening. So? Do with and move along. - Coffee now. - 10.09 Well... I've been out of the house... Went to get some soil for the cuttings but it's still frozen, solid. So, whilst out, crawled into the cellar to check the oil. “Half tanked”, as it were. Not too bad. Might be down to a quarter by the time the “season” changes... I can only hope, which would bring me back to where I was when I started here. But if times continue as they're moving, MAYBE I won't benefit from it in the cost of gas for the truck but MAYBE I'll be able to fill the oil tank over the Summer months? (I'm not hopeful. That wouldn't be “appropriate” to me and my existence. Although, there's the great possibility that I'll fill the tank and ether drop dead on the spot or be hauled out of here on a gurney. Always some-thing to look forward to.) At least I know what's “down there” and don't feel too put off by having the thermostat set at 62F, as it is now. - Ms. “Newlady” appears to have been left to her own devices this morning in the Pee-Oh. I was having my smoke on the front porch when, at about 8.45, she arrived, carrying the tub. I bade her “Good morning.” She said she hadn't noticed me “You're so quiet.” (Imagine that.) I offered my assistance with tubs, &c. should they ever be heavy. She said “You're kind.” I left it at that. - Pissed the morning away on soc.med. Still can't get over being back on “Twatsworld”. But I don't enjoy it as I used to. - Now? On to see what “responsible shit” I can attend today. Chicken is in the fridge to thaw. These times, they are austere. - 11.13 Well... coriander arrived. USPS. Put into one of those “parcel boxes” at the “mega”, “2P”. The key didn't work. Thankfully Crystal and Ms. Newlady were still in. Crystal came out to help open the box and admitted “One of them gave me trouble this morning.” Quick work and done. Now... the tea and cumin are due Wednesday by “9pm”. I suppose they're coming UPS? One never knows, but “tracking” on the Amazon site shows they haven't been shipped as yet. This is all becoming annoying. I COULD have had some “falafel” tonight... though I couldn't because I've no “tahini” to go with... and won't until I get (or don't), the ingredients for that as well... on Wednesday... I believe (at the moment). - Anyway... the day's “major event”, gathering the post, is done. I could go back to bed now... but I'm “working” on the “Homeless Shorts” at the moment. Every sentence written is one more done and one less to write. - I don't care. It's a shame, really, but I don't. - 12.11 SHOCKED! JUST GOT A CALL FROM VIVIAN. SHE'D MADE BEEF-LENTIL SOUP AND IS CALLING ROUND TO SEE IF I'D LIKE ANY. (Lentil? I just had them with my pasta last night.) I told her that I'd made very much my own and that I'd rather those who truly need get. “You can put it in the freezer... but...” She didn't sound happy but I don't really care these days. “How are you faring over there?” No complaints, replied I. But what a shock to be called. (Admittedly, I do keep in mind that it was Becky who started all the anti-social bull-shit and since she's a self-admitted “Liberal”... well... it's about the mental illness... Then again... there's “Jeff” and dear Alvin's not to far removed...) - Never mind... on with the day. - 21.48 Well THERE'S ANOTHER 6 INCHES, AT LEAST, OF SNOW ON THE GROUND (AND, OF COURSE, OUT FRONT... FOR THE MORNING) AND IT'S STILL FALLING EVER-SO LIGHTLY. AND I'M DOWN TO 6,5 SMOKES UNTIL WEDNESDAY! (I've already gone through 4 re-smokes and I don't want to get into those too much, considering my “heavy chest” and phlegm clots.) - DID manage to get a few more lines written today. “Meal” was a piece of chicken with a LOT of rice. I DID make 3 dozen cookies... all eaten, of course, with “hot creamer”. And there's more dough in the fridge for... when-ever, another piece of cooked chicken and 3 containers of rice. - The cumin and the tea are due on Wednesday... we shall see. - Spoke with Ev and Donna today. Left a message with Dorothy. Ev was in GREAT spirits, thanked me for being concerned about her. Imagine. - Other-wise... another day. - This “PAUSE”, as that bastard idiot Cuomo calls it, really isn't any different for me than any other time. Got a “message” on the e-mail from the moron: Supermarkets, pharmacies, gas stations and liquor stores are considered “essential”. I could use another bottle. I'm wondering how I'll carry it back. I need chicken (heavy) item on Wednesday (and I'm wonder what sort of shit, if any, will be pawned off on us at Tops). - Oh well. The temperatures are supposed to rise tonight and tomorrow, hopefully melting this snow by Wednesday. Thursday looks like the best day of the week for town-toddle but smokes are... well... they are. - No sense fretting over any of this shit. - Right now... time to get to bed. At 19.30 I was exhausted, told me “A hot water and to bed.” Got to the WVNR Minds and, well, here I am. But this is it: the day's a wrap!

Tue.24.Mar: 5.22 Indeed... And last night's snow is all around. How lovely? Not so much. Indeed. And why am I awake? Not so sure. But here I am. None the worse for it. None the better. But here I am... up, dressed, coffee, smoke. In a while, I'll clear the front and the Pee-Oh. But the plough-line? Nope. Not at all. Here I am. Let's see what becomes of this morning. Shall we? Oh yes, let's shall. - 7.03 Snow is “removed”... from the Pee-Oh ramp, the boxes, in front of “my” portion of the house and a little “walk-way” for Jeff to use when he comes along for morning confab with the locals. This morning, I'm again, a touch annoyed: shovelling snow, providing hot water, paying for post delivery. But, again, I'll let it ride... for a while... see how it evolves... if at all. - Now... to “accomplish” some sort of thing with this day, though there's nothing, really, that requires today's attention (yet...) - 12.37 I've reason to believe my nerves are being rubbed raw... Sitting at the table in the drawing room, trying to file my claws down, listening to FoxNews (fucking-co-fucking-vid) I happened to look up to see AVERY PROPANE rolling down the main. So I got up, looked out MY back door.. no bill. Curiosity... looked NEXT DOOR AND THERE WAS THE FUCKING BILL... IN THEIR DOOR... A-FUCKING-GAIN! Thank-fucking-fully, it's 19,54$ LESS than budgeted BUT... nerves and patience are RAW... FUCK! I shovelled BOTH walks out back this morning, delivery was expected TOMORROW and, as usual, they sneak up, fill the tank, put the fucking bill in the WRONG fucking door and slink off. JEEZUS-FUCK! - AND... A text from Dot: “I'm a mental case right now. This whole moth has been a freakin hell. And I swear to god if the sun does not come out soon I'm gonna flip. It's dark, wet and dreary on top of all the other shit. Not in a good mood lately.” Just sent her a “curt”, straight-forward reply. I'm walking 9 miles to empty market, running low on food in the house, “But honestly, when people try to keep in touch & you choose not to answer/return calls? Well... there's nothing to be said.” - I guess that covers it. I'm trying to refrain from making any comments to anybody right now. Low on smokes. Just rolled 5 more re-smokes. Budgeting got done this morning. The rent cheque goes out tomorrow... Best to just keep to my-self... Talk about “bad mood”.... And there she sits, in a 2-storey house that she owns (though shares with what I'm to understand is a “Tony Mack”), with transport and the likes and she's whining! Considering asking Donna if she's not just wacked. - Meanwhile... next door, they're banging about. So much for my “drawing room” and a pleasant room in which to draw, write, what-ever. - Maybe it's “cabin fever”... maybe I'm going in for a snooze. Fuck. - 18.02 And... another day gone. Another meal, done... left-overs and almost 3 dozen cookies with creamer. And now, as it's ready to dip behind the mountains... the sun FINALLY comes. BUT... this morning's snow is gone from the front. Jeff came and ploughed the back and that snow is gone too. - Me? I finished a little pencil sketch of Lembrook that I'd started YEARS ago! And came to realise just how BAD my eyes actually are. It was difficult to focus. Water-colours? Next... give it a try. Not too happy about this though. - The cumin and 120 TEA BAGS... Earl Grey... Bigelow... arrived. Corey came, tapped on the door and bolted. “Social Distancing”. I understand. Wouldn't have it any other way. - And now... in from after-meal smoke. There's another “Up-date” on the flu shit. Still no mention about the money coming. Though I'm not counting on getting any. Fucked again... NO doubt. - So now, to pass some time and head for bed. Early morning tomorrow. - 21.41 DONNA CALLED! And we talked “too long”, of course, and she explained Dorothy's “swings” and such and so I sent a “kinder” text. - Now, just finishing my hot water... BED TIME! MUST be up and about by not later than 6.00... BANQUE TIME! Then TO THE ROAD!

Wed.25.Mar: 5.47 Sitting with coffee at hand, a smoke and some left for the day. Didn't hear the 5.00 alarm but woke on my own at about 5.15 or so. Got up at about 5.23 or so and here we are, rolling after a night of lights out by about 23.00, up at... 1.23 to pee, QUITE drenched in... SWEAT! Well? Well. Not sure why the sweat but I've a feeling it's the re-smokes. Oh dear. Oh well. So it is. But here I am, sitting, in jammies, not caring, waiting to pay bills and... and? Well... just... and. Not in the greatest of moods this morning, for some reason. A touch of “quite the discomfort” in the chest. It's -3° out there and will be about 1° at 10.00, with a touch of “nuageux”. It's to be another “NO RUSH” toddle today. Let's see what I manage to come back with. Eh? FUCK! - Hey! At least I'm paying bills! There are those who CAN'T, those who are waking this morning, having been put out of work, no income, no savings... owing rent, mortgages, &c. I KNOW what that's like... So I NEED to twist this attitude round. Paying bills is never a pleasure, but keeping roof over-head... well... even in this place, with “the kids next-door” (who, I hear, are stirring... thud). “Things”... even with a dead truck in the yard, could be SO MUCH WORSE... I AM rather blessed this morning. - Now... let's see about that “attitude”. Shall we? Let's shall. - 7.45 BILLS PAID! Gee... I wonder how many will appreciate that the bills are paid for April, considering all of the “allowances” (as “they” claim) that will be made and MUST be made for those whose income has come to a screeching halt. Well? Next? The fucking propane bill and... the rest is “auto-pays” (fucking Skype) that can't be made in advance... but... fukkem. (Hey! Made a payment to FedLoan too... with a “due” of ZERO... SO FUCKING “ADULT”! Shit.) - 7.54 Just checked... the GFM was posted to the svg on 2.Mar already! SO! All is as caught-up as it can be this morning! Now... the ONLY thing left is to post the rent and... TODDLE TIME!
14.14 AND, THANKS TO “JOHN O.” AND MRS., I AM BACK IN THE HOUSE AFTER A TOWN-TODDLE OF DISAPPOINTMENT AND A MORNING OF “LESSONS WELL-LEARNT”:
Let us commence with this morning's fuckerie: At the Pee-Oh... At about 10.00, I strolled over to post the rent cheque and by stamps. Asking for 10 “non-flowery”, Ms. Crystal went through her “stash” and explained to Ms. Newlady that the ONLY combination of 10s were the “Love” and nothing else could be broken. SO... I had to settle for buying 20! Fine... I shall write letters, draw post cards.
WHILST THERE, JEFF COMES IN, IGNORES ME COMPLETELY AND MENTIONS “I HAVE TO COME CHECK THE APARTMENT TO MAKE SURE THEY'RE NOT PLUGGING IN ANYTHING THAT'LL BURN THE PLACE DOWN.” Me? I just said “Thank you.” to which he replied “THEY'RE GOOD KIDS, I JUST DON'T TRUST THEM.” with a grimace on his face. THEN he mentions “I have to go into town to get a prescription and I don't want to go into town.” The truck was parked out front, running all the while. Says I “I'm on my way there as soon as I'm done here.” No acknowledgement... and I wait whilst Ms. Newlady peruses the stock of stamps and fucks about with the credit card machine. Fine... I leave the Pee-Oh at long last, come into the house to get ready for toddle, Jeff, by now, is next door and, as I'm getting dressed to leave, he BOLTS into the truck and ROARS away, as if “town” was about to pack and leave. More-so, I suspect, to avoid being here when I walked out the door.
Fine, no prob. I get me together and head out. WELL! Up the road, “Steve”, as I've come to learn his name, was out, across the road, gathering fire-wood. Called “How are ya?” and I offered assistance. (Woodhauler, and all) and we got chatting a WONDERFUL talk about The City (he's from The Island) and VT and New Russia and the Adirondacks. LOVELY talking with him. Quite the delight.
Onward I move along to FamDoll where I got 6 packs of smokes and a Milky Way and noticed they have leaf-rakes... 10$! WOO-HOO! Chatted with Casey a bit about the foolery of all this “flu-phobia and on to the supermarket where.... A-FUCKING-GAIN!!! JACK-SHIT FUKKALL! I had to get 5 “leg-thigh parts” and even THOSE look rather “sickly”. The ONLY butter is “Land O' Lakes” and “Cabot” (I got a Cabot, 40-cents cheaper but still, almost 5$), VERY few eggs. About 5 bags of “all purpose” (bleached) flour... What a bunch of insipidly incompetent, inconsiderate shits! BUT... chicken, 2 tubs of frosting, a little container of “lemonade” powder and a container of cheese for pasta and 26$ later, out of the 30 I had on the card... out the door, back to FamDoll to get... THE RAKE! AND... BACK on the road.
I left the house (wondering if it would be here when I returned or would it be nothing but ashes) at about 10.30-ish, perhaps 10.45, and my chest was quite heavy then... the walk was tedious and slow this morning, but, I moved ahead. Today, the walk was a touch difficult, to say so. - Chores complete, and then some, the walk BACK was almost difficult. By back, bladder, shoulder, and me, in general, was actually painful and my feet were beginning to burn. But I passed the bridge and decided to just keep going figuring I MIGHT make it back by 15.00 and couldn't really care. THEN... I heard a car slowly approach and a voice call ”Would you like a ride?” It was John O. (Demings)! I couldn't even fake it, I just called back “Oh yes, I would, if you've got the room.” He and Mrs. scurried about to make room for me in the back and.... dropped me at the door... the last almost 2 miles! I DON'T REMEMBER WHEN I WAS SO GRATEFUL FOR A LIFT!
I was in the door at 13.40! And am now having a tea... AND... it was the last bag in the box... yesterday's delivery of 120 more was PERFECT timing! - But imagine... the audacity of Jeff! WELL! Between him and the little Crystal cunt at the Pee-Oh... indeed, a call will be made to the USPS about me paying the hot water, clearing the snow, and a host of what-ever else, including the 24 square feet of living-room, I can find to object to. And as for Jeff? Well... I'll have a “chat with the kids” about the electrics and Mr. Jeff can suck arse. As I think about it, the ONLY person to extend a welcome to town was Cliff... I must thank him. - But for now, I could use a snooze and then, get to “meal”, what-ever that might be this evening. I didn't get onion or parsley at the market today... for falafel, so... there will be another time. - Right now, tea and reconciling accounts. - WHAT A DAY! - 21.37 and feeling like it's 23.37... tomorrow night. - “Meal” was past with cumin and coriander. Tasty but I can still “smell” the cumin. Enough already! - Rang Alden to assure him that the rent was posted today. He THANKED me several times. Then discussed the folks next door and said “I believe they're good kids. I wanted to keep the age with the others, but.... If anything happens that needs 'talking about' keep me in the loop and let me know.” Then he said “I know everybody in New Russia will be OK. But I worry about people coming in from the out-side and bringing in their stuff.” He's concerned about us here and this flu! What an amazing sort of person. I'm rather amazed. Anyway, he confirmed that he won't be in town for a while. Well, at the rate things are these days, interstate travel is pretty much squashed. But, apparently, he's happy with me being here. That's comforting. - OK. The bills are paid. I've a couple of calls to make tomorrow about the loan, the truck, maybe “Renter's Insurance”. Did some investigating on the insurance and from reviews and reports, Geico is NOT the way to go. Will have to investigate further... tomorrow. Right now... shower and to bed. - Oh... spoke with Donna this evening too. All's well. - I'm tired. Would like a v-ton but there's not enough in there to make it worth the while. Perhaps another toddle at some point... perhaps... not sure. But the accounts reconciled nicely and bills are paid. I'm happy about that.

Thu.26.Mar: 8.18 INDEED! I... didn't bother to get out of bed until 7.56! Opened my eyes to...SUN-SHINE! It's a whole 1° out there with a threat of 9 MORE degrees to come. Yes, 10° for today's high. Imagine that! “Toddle weather”. But NO! I will NOT. As for state of health this morning? Rocks in the chest, light in the head. Might have something to do with the rather unintentionally heavy v-cran before bed... just before showering. Might. No telling. But there was one pee-break through the night, a bit of a “dream” sort of thing where-in I'd spilled something on the rug, a beige rug, beside “John's” bed. A small bottle of some light blue paint or colouring of some kind which I hurried to clean-up and some sort of beige, rubbery something that I managed to almost clean up by applying water to it and it separated from the fibres of the rug. I was JUST getting it up when the dream ended. OK. I wonder what THAT was about. - For now... I've a small list of “items”, telephone calls, that I'd like to attend during the day. Particulars about the loan, paying on the first of the month (April... since I've budgeted the payment in already), Richie, to see if he's in business these days or if he's shut-down with the rest of the world and perhaps a ball-park figure on how much I'll be “taken for” THIS time, and, perhaps, changing the truck insurance over to here, at last. Also... a call to THE USPS about the situation with postal delivery and paying for the “privilege” of being insulted. And then there's cooking and baking. I need more bread, should cook that chicken in the fridge, make cookies for desserts since I have “frosting” to put on. OH! The frosting. May have had too much of THAT before bed... sugar coma, as it were, and so, the extra sleep. What-ever. - Things... “things” to “do” during this day. Shame, really, that there's still snow on the ground. It might have been a lovely day to putter about the yard. (And, if “folks” would go away and I can get into the garage, maybe get some lumber and make some shelving... with the new blades for the jig saw. Maybe.) - When it comes to “making” things for this place, there's the “notion” but not much “drive”, considering state of health. I'm not being ridiculous about it. SOME-thing is going to go terribly “not good” in relatively short order. But? May as well be “happy” for the while. Eh? - Well HEY! At least the bills/expenses are paid this morning... through April... until the next round. THAT is a bit of a “comfort” of it's own. SO “responsible”. SO “adult”. SO... ridiculous. But it is as it is and it's done. - Now... dressed, with coffee at hand, lettuce sea what's to come... when, at 16.00 I will sit here wondering “WHAT the fuck happened to this day?” Eh? - 8.39 Journals to the servers, done... moving right along - 8.53 Now HERE'S a hoot and a BRILLIANT beginning to a new day: Just checking the morning's e-mails and there's a “note” from “GFM”: We're sending you 57,66... Yesterday, some-one had donated 10$ toward the truck repairs and, as it indicates, 3 hours ago, another 50 came! (Yes, it bothers me that GFM takes so much out but, every single bit is such a help! It saddens me to think that people give so much and GFM TAKES so much... but I know there are expenses to GFM to present this service... we ALL have to “pay” some-thing for EVERY-THING! But IMAGINE! Another 57$ toward the repairs! HOPEFULLY, I won't have to eat away at the donations in order to pay the loan for nothing... that the repairs won't eat the entire lot and then some. But I'm looking more hopeful with this. It's a matter of “patience”... that's all. I keep thinking of Deb's words at the Franklin General store when I told her I was hoping for a truck: “It's out there. You just have to be patient.” Well? The truck was out there. I was “patient”. I got the truck. Of COURSE there are hard-ships that go along with it. But then, WHAT, in my life-time, hasn't come with hard-ships? My very existence, from the first breath of Earth's air was a hard-ship. Patience... that's all. I got to live most of my life in NYC... SUCH FUN! Worked on “Wall St”! SUCH FUN! Went to Montréal, Tel Aviv... and today, am actually living in a little place that I thought so whimsical, but right were I used to only DREAM of. Patience... When the time is “right”, the truck will roll again. (And then I'll drop dead or end up in a hospice... I've NO doubt.) Meanwhile... patience. I'm amazed, humbled, appreciative of the TRUST that people have given me. When I get to a point of thinking so shitty of my-self... “TRUST”... of strangers. I guess my life hasn't been a COMPLETE waste. - And now... the thump-thump-bang-bang on the wall tells me the Pee-Oh is open. The day has commenced. Oh lah-dee-fucking-jolly-jolly. - 14.48 And I can't say that the day “dragged”... I got the call into the banque about the loan. The “coupon book” was “generated” on the 20th and should be here soon. I can pay on the 1st of the month with no troubles. Good news. I can hardly wait. - SPOKE WITH DOROTHY TOO! THIS MORNING! I'M IN A BIT OF SHOCK. SHE SOUNDED QUITE GOOD, SO I'M HAPPY ABOUT THAT. - This morning, the phone dialed Theresa, I still don't know how, but it did. But her phone was “going” again so that got cut short. No prob. - Tried ringing Richie, about the truck. His number doesn't even ring-through! So? So... That takes some of the stress and pressure off me. No doubt, he's closed, and I shouldn't doubt the dealership in town is closed as well... not being considered “essential”. Fuck. No, not essential because politicians are still flying and rolling about, happily. May they rot. - So... I got into prepping yesterday's chicken. 4 legs/thighs which, actually, could be 8 meals, if I separate thighs from legs. Or, 6 meals, of 1 thigh each and 2 legs. Anyway, 2 of the “quarters”, as they call them, are in the oven... chicken and rice. - When the chicken was done, out came another “batch” of cookie dough... 3 more dozen cookies ready for tonight. The chicken cooked on one side of the oven whilst the cookies baked. - AND... whilst the cookies baked, I whipped-up a batch of bread dough! THAT's on the rise as I type. That done, because I keep seeing the tiniest bits of mouse-shit on the counter, I took every-thing off of that and gave it a good wipe-down... Clorox Clean-up! - And all the while... Radio Moscow on the air. RUSSIAN in the house... in New Russia... go figure. - Out-side, the clouds are hanging, lightly, in the skies and it's really quite “comfy”, temperature-wise. - In-side, the house smells of cookies... soon to smell of chicken and rice, and then, bread. - BABY! I'M COOOKIN' TODAY! - Tomorrow, if I wake or if I don't drop dead before, I'll get to the floors. There's no “reason” to “go” any-where now until the 9th when I can afford to get food (that isn't available) again. So? So... there we have it. - Had it not been so late, and, had I the energy, I'd head into town... for a bottle of vodka. There's just barely enough for maybe a light beverage. It's not important. Nothing really is. To be honest, my chest is extremely heavy today. Oh well... one of these days there'll be no more days. - Now? Back to what-ever... - 22.13 WHAT A DAY!!! Just in from last smoke. The road is wet and so too, the air. It's not “raining” but there's the finest “mist”. - “Meal”, chicken and rice, turned-out ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY PERFECT tonight! DELICIOUS! REALLY! SHOCKING! AND... there must be at least THREE MORE servings in the casserole! I'm amazed! - Had a LOVELY chat with Theresa just before. Had to cut it short at 17.00. We're BOTH quite fed-up with this “Chinaflu” scare, and we BOTH feel it's contrived. And the Democrats fucking around with the “emergency help bill” makes it all the worse. BUT, according to last word, it has to “pass Congress”... on the fucking 20th of April and if it does, we'll be getting money... between then and... DE-FUCKING-CEMBER! The “good news”: Soc.Sec. recipients don't have to “apply”. The govt. will use Soc.Sec. records to make pay-outs. Me? I've got the feeling we'll be the “December” recipients. Should be 1200$, but I'm not counting on any, to be honest. I need it too much to get it. - The evening... passed on-line, eating the 3 dozen cookies. I'll be sorry for that in the morning. And TWO “Nighty Night” teas... one regular, the second on a second water. - So now? Off to bed. I'm not planning on any toddling or such tomorrow. Perhaps getting to the house-cleaning that I haven't done in too long. The floor needs a washing, the rugs need a Hoovering. Other than that, I don't see anything else being done. (If I can get to the garage though, I might get some lumber for shelving... might.) - All told, another day DID pass quickly. All that cooking... I could have saved some for tomorrow but... there's bread and evening meal done. I'm happy about that. - Off to “Garden of Good and Evil” again. I just need an escape from it all. - Oh... put in for the VT-to-NY transfer for the loan payment. My “budget” looks entirely too healthy this month. There's more left than I'm comfortable with, but if it turns out to be correct, more to put toward “forecasts” of electric (600 in July) and oil. MUST be “responsible” or else... - Oh... tomorrow's Moe's yahrtzeit... FIVE YEARS already. It doesn't seem possible. Will have to ring Ev.

Fri.27.Mar: 5.28 Here we are... again... AGAIN. Yes, Leipzigs und Germans, we went to bed later than 21.00, didn't put the lights out until 23.00, woke at about 2.30 and forced us to go back to sleep until about 4.30, at which time we laid in the bed, hoping to return, once more, to sleep but didn't. When the sweet melody of the morning alarm filled the sleeping chambre, we greeted it with “Oh! Hello.”, turned it off and... Here we are... again. Another day. - Coffee at hand, dressed and in from morning smoke on the porch, where it's rather cool but comfortable at a sultry 2°, with that little boite du météo warning of “Pluie début á 7h50”. Charmante! Or shit comme ça. Well that's fine because I REALLY didn't want to make with the “toddle” today anyway. Fukkit. So let's see what we mek wiz zis jour aujourd'hui. Shall we? Oui. Fuck. - 5.37 I hear the neighbours stirring, on the other side of the wall. It almost reminds me of days in The City. And... imagine that... the youngsters are awake at this hour. (No wonder Jeff wanted them out. Surely he wasn't too thrilled about being awake at this hour of the morning. But, impressive. Responsible. Indeed.) - 11.12 Running out of steam and energy. Got the little bit of washing done. Went to look at/for some-thing in that little “cup-board” at the washer plumbing and noticed a stench. Some-thing under that “platform” is dead. So... the whole thing got torn apart, the “gaps” got stuffed with plastic bags, the floor there got Cloroxed. I doubt it'll help but it's done. And it began when I decided, before the run rose, to re-re-re-arrange the shelves in the drawing room. - The sun is shining. The threatened rains became a lie. It's to be a warm, clear day... and I'm going for a snooze. I'm fed-up with the day already. Maybe later I'll go out and try the “new rake”. Not sure why, but... sun-shine, air... what-the-fuck-ever. - 20.11 TH DAY IS DONE AND I DID! Took out my rake this after-noon and cleaned the lilies a bit. Not too much, for fear of another freeze. Cleaned the road-side grass line but NOT the “garden” at “Joan's”. THEN... went to the back an “stacked” the felled branches behind the garage. Alvin came over to ask “Are you building a cabin?” to which I replied “I thought I'd make it look a little less 'trailer park' and a bit more 'Adirondack Park'.” Ah... so then he HAD to tell me that Alden DID have a trailer back there at one point. Not that it made any difference to me at all. I kept “cleaning”. There's a LOT more work back there than I'd though but, it's started. - Next... as I was cleaning by the kitchen, the guy next door came out and we chatted about the plumbing and electrics and the up-stairs and sound travelling and such. Come to find out, yes, they DO get up at 4.30 or 5.00 in the morning and yes, they DO spend most of their time in the bed-room, “gaming”. It was a lovely chat and I feel MUCH better about having them next door, especially since they get up so early. And he'd noticed my lights on in the morning and was surprised that I got up so early. So we all know that we all go to bed early. VERY nice, indeed. - I didn't get back in until slight after 16.00, put “meal” into the oven and FINALLY got to sit down at 17.03. - I've only JUST finished Hoovering and washing the loo and kitchen floors. - And, before heading out, I rang Ev and had a WONDERFUL chat today. She reminded me that today is Moe's yahrtzeit. I mentioned the sketch he'd done of me, some years ago and mentioned that I'd thought of today. She says that Elmhurst is THE “epicentre” of this “Chinavirus”, that the queues are around the corner for people wanting to be tested. (Oddly, there are reports that all is WELL under control down there and NOT as bad as some would report. But I suspect she's watching the “leftist media” but I went along.) It was, in fact, a wonderful talk with her for about 20-30 minutes. - Message from Dorothy, who was supposed to ring today. Of course... an excuse and a promise for tomorrow. I... never mind. - And now, time to un-wind. WOULD I EVER LIKE A COUPLE V-TONS TONIGHT! It's clear and rather warm out there. And I went into the little sheds out back to find... TWO FUCKING LEAF RAKES and the planters for the front porch! I'm annoyed about the rakes, but happy about the planters which I shall fill over the week-end and next toddle, get seeds of some sort. AND... the plastic chair is back on the front porch for the warmer weather. - One thing I've noticed this evening: When people drive by, they always WAVE! I spent 6 fucking years in Fuklin and people, WHEN they spoke, always sounded as if they'd had to shove their finger down their throat to vomit a greeting. Here? They WAVE! It's grand to be “back home”. - So? There's enough for one v-ton in the house, and one is, of course, all I should have but there's a shower to be taken before bed so I'll do that, have the v-ton and then get under the covers. - Shabbat. And nothing on tomorrow's agenda. Nothing, really, for the week to come because FS don't come in until Thursday-week. I might toddle before then any-way... smokes and seeds... flower and veg. We shall see. - Oh... Alvin says Richie IS open for business but has gone on holiday. I'll have to toddle by there too. Says Alvin, “You could drop in... Oh, that's right, you don't have a vehicle.” Oh, that's right... Strike one: Nam vet. Strike two: Liberal/Democrat. Strike three: clueless. Strike four: Elementary school teacher. S.L.O.W. But... it's all a part of the hamlet... Welcome to Novo Roosiya. - On to un-winding! THIS DAY IS A WRAP! - 21.04 Was just at “Abes Books” because of a post on Minds... from “Watership Down”. No, haven't ordered but... BUT... “Lake Wobegone Days”, signed... 95$! Another at 40$! Another at 20$! And I HAD THEM ALL... SIGNED! It makes me SICK! I SHOULD have sued the shit out of those two! Oh well... I have the Adirondacks... they lost their only son. - 23.03 Done with the v-ton now time for last smoke and bed! It's 4° now and will be -5° at 5.00 so I won't mind spending a little extra time under the covers. - Checked the “Author” and “WVNR” Minds... but can't get interested. Too much politics, too many un-educated opinions, too much bull-shit. So? So... time to get to bed... J.D. Salinger awaits.

Sat.28.Mar: 8.34 and I don't give a shit. - Got maybe, 15 minutes of reading in after a wonderful shower and lights out. Probably round mid-night. Woke at about 4.00 and went right back to sleep. Woke at 7.00 and went right back to sleep. Woke at almost 8.00 and got up. Why? Because it was almost 8.00. And the furnace has kicked twice. In from a smoke and a chat with Ms. Newlady who's already in. (“Too ambitious.” I said. Shit, in VT, were I in at this hour, I'd be chastised! Fuck.) We chatted about “hot shower” and O'Keefe's for her hands. She thanked me. If I were in the mood, I'd thank her for the gratitudes. I'm not... in the mood. - Strange DREAM though, must jot. I don't remember how it all began or much more than some orts, as they were, but there was something about a gal, a combination of Susan Sylvestri and Patty Hopper whom I wanted nothing to do with but I happened to see her, in a small shop of some kind, and, knowing that she'd phoned me and left many messages, I'd been doing all possible to keep away from her. But as I passed the shop, en route to some-where else, she came out and yelled, repeatedly “Call me. Call me! CALL ME!” I said nothing and kept going. Next, I'm in a flat, my flat, with some-body, not sure who, perhaps Viv? Sister was supposed to be married that day and was no-where to be seen. Nobody'd heard from her so we went to her flat to find her. Her flat was identical to mine. We knocked on the door. No answer, I had a key so we went in. Called for sister. No reply. Couldn't see her any-where and she wasn't in the bed-room either. I said “Check the living-room.” and there she was, passed-out, drunk, on the sofa. I went over, called her name, softly, She didn't stir. I squatted beside the sofa. She was soaked with sweat and pale, out of it. I felt so sad for her. I knew she didn't want to marry. I tried to hold her, to comfort her, even though there was a great deal of some sort of animosity I had for her. It bothered me, terribly, that she was so averse to this marriage that she got so drunk. And... I woke. - Now, trying to put things together about this, (and the fucking furnace is up again... it's not THAT cold in here, nor out-side and there's not all that much oil in the tank and I can't afford more! RE-SET to 58F)... Susan/Patty: blondes. Jessica: blonde. None of whom/which I happen to like, even in the least. The “Call me!”... perhaps the business with Dorothy and her “I promise I'll call... So-and-so came by. Not in a good mood. Catch ya later. Call you tomorrow.” bull-shit/ But the blondes? And that Susan/Patty at the shop. Flash-back to Beacon and sister in the crafts store? The connection with sister and Dorothy? Beacon, Newburgh... shit in general. As for the drunk sister, that could be “Franny and Zoey”... Franny being ill, looking pale, anxious, and sister getting piss-ass drunk It all “could be” a mélange of all the bull-shit whirling round. Ah me... “interpretations”. The deconstruction. Typical. I'll ponder it through the day... or not. - Anyway, yesterday's clothes will be going in to wash. Yesterday's wash still isn't all completely dry yet. If the temperatures don't rise, it probably won't dry properly but washing must be done. No telling what's in those leaves out back... ticks, perhaps. But today is cooler, last night was -5°. Washing there will be. - Other than that? Not sure. But it's sunny out there so.. on we go. This day has commenced, and it will be a short one, having gotten up so late. I don't give a shit. - 9.04 Just making a note for furture ref: On the evening (after hours) 26th, entered transact for xfer 70 fm Comm to TrailNo; effected 27 Mar. (business hrs.); appears 28.Mar. on both accts. w/tentative 30 (Monday) Mar. completion. Next attempt will have to be earlier in week, during biz.hrs. - 9.31 INSANITY! Yesterday, I “plugged” the drain in the kitchen “cubby” because the kids next door are using the washer (which I would have enjoyed but, truth is, they do need it, working and such so...). Last night and this morning, they're washing like cray and... AND NOW... it's gurggling in the loo basin! SHIT! (I wonder if it doesn't have something to do with the septic tank.... Hmmm... Might... MIGHT ask Alden... before it starts backing-up. Something to ponder.) - Done with soc.med. Done with banque reconciliations. Done... On to the washing... as the Qunts in the Pee-Oh are screaming away. Morons. Ms. Becky's over there bitching... as is usual. - 24.30 (I refuse to end this day at the beginning of the next...) Well, it became quite the day... indeed! The shelves are re-re-re-arranged again. And I took the brown boxes apart and put them together inside-out to get rid of the print on them. That took longer than I thought and the day rolled along SO TOO quickly! - But 2 items: I made another payment to FedLoan, to make up for the missed one last month, may as well keep the payments going, they just might help, though I doubt it and I broke-down and just ordered “Catcher In The Rye”, “Nine Stories” and “Watership Down”. 14$ I've NO business spending but, if my “life” is to be books again... so be it. - *** DEAR DOT IS NOW BLOCKED! As I was sorting and the likes, she started with her massive barrage of photos again! AND many of them were of sister! After seeing the value of the signed Keillor books I had that that whore took away... taking me “out to breakfast whilst her useless scum-bag husband and that shit-bag “brother” stole my life... I LOST IT! Sent her, Dot, a message full of “fuckings” and told her that if she kept sending that shit I'd just block her number. The reply” “I've sent you pictures before so I thought it was ok. All you had to say was please don't ever send me any pictures of them and I would respect your wishes. If you want to block me well so be it. No need to be nasty about it. I totally get your feelings. Have a good day “ Yeah? “So be it? So it is, indeed. Done. I'm fed-to-the-limit with the bull-shit, her moods, her “I'll call you”... her bull-shit that she feeds Donna where Debbie's concerned “Oh, you have to let it go.” As Donna says, quite easy to say when the shit didn't happen to you. So it's done and so am I. And no regrets. - That said and done... meal was quite nice again tonight but right after I get a WICKED case of “knife cramps”! Not sure why. But I took a 30-minute snooze and all seems well thus far. - Spent time on soc.med. with Theresa (mostly), exchanging Don McLean, Dan Fogelberg, Jim Croce, Seals and Crofts tunes. I HAD to tell her that it brought me back to Albany days... AND, of ALL the times, as I'm re-re-re-reading Salinger! Yes, indeed... the ESCAPE! - One thing before I close this: That blonde in the dream repeating “Call me!” THAT'S got me wondering. I don't know any blondes these days, and surely none whose telephone number I'd have. The only “blond” I could think of is Denis, and I've checked the obits and he's not there so... A curious one. One of these moments some-thing will come to me. But for now... the furnace is up again and I need to get to bed! Wrap this shit up! - Nothing on the agenda for tomorrow. Another threat of cold and rain. Today's rain never happened, it got “mild” but not “nice”. The only thing I'd go into town for tomorrow would be paint for the drawing room and the front door, and some flower/veg seeds. It all can wait. - For now... the house is in order... off to bed!

Sun. 29.Mar: 8.43 on a Sunday morning that's forcing me into staying at the home-stead... it's raining. NO PROB. I only just got up and out of bed a while ago... coffee made, dressed, smoke and here. Had a Nighty Night before heading for the bedding and it was, as I recall, almost squeaking into 2.00 when the lights went out. Talk about a “late night”. And no, no “beverages”. Imagine that. SO! There ARE things I'd like to do, things I probably ought to do, let's see what I actually DO do... before the clock smashes into 16.00. Shall we then? Oh let's. - I did have a couple of “dreamlettes” again, last night. One had something to do with my kippa and another had something to do with a “Don McLean” song that somebody in the dream said “This always reminds me of you.” It was a song I wasn't (am not) fond of and I can't remember what the song is. Maybe it'll come to me as the day goes on. - For now... the day has commenced... I ought to as well. - 23.05 HOURS on the phone with Theresa today and the last call just ended! It's nice to be able to TALK WITH some-body and even as she says, the time just passes when we get to talking. But I must curb this... Indeed. - It rained all through the day and I've accomplished nothing. But the clouds are breaking, there's a bit of “moon” in the sky, though the rains are still falling... so too, the temperatures. - The lights went out earlier, but for mere seconds. Can't figure why though. No wind. No heavy rains. Well... maybe I'll hear about it at some point. - Tomorrow? Nothing on the agenda. I'd like to go into town for vodka and... what-ever. 11$ on the FS so... we shall see. Vodka and flower/veg seeds. That's that. We shall see (at 16.00 when the day is done and I've accomplished nothing again, no doubt). - At least the bills are paid for April. - Meanwhile, “meal” was “Middle-Eastern” sort of pasta. The pasta is now gone. Chicken and rice again until NEXT Wednesday. OK. There's food in the house anyway. Not much but... And I should get to Richie about the truck. I just wish I was up to the 2k that I wanted. But we shall have to see what can be done with what we have. I suppose. - Now... a licorice tea is steeping and I'm off to bed. Had the furnace up for a while to warm the place, in case the electric goes again. It's back down to 60F or so. The kitchen is in order. - Oddly... or not... I keep the thought: If I die in my sleep, the house MUST be in order. Nice... Eh?

Mon.30.Mar: 7.21 Another morning of not hearing the alarm. Hmmm... And before bed last night, a licorice tea. But I woke, this morning, to the sheets pulled from the bottom of the bed and the blankets all askew. Must've had “quite the night” last. Can't recall any dreams of any sort but... there we have it. - Not terribly cold OUT there, but chilled and rather damp in. Furnace up for a few. Coffee at hand. Dressed. Bed re-made and the day rolls. Didn't get out of bed until almost 7.00. No bother. Makes no difference, really. - One thing I did notice, whilst reading “Franny and Zooey” last night: Capitalisaiton of certain words, little items like (Sp?), what would be called “run-on paragraphs”, I suppose, and “writing style” in general... Salinger! It all became so assimilated, first nature, as it were, that I've never given it any thought! Imagine? Well... there we have it! I do believe I'm going to put that paper up on a door for quotes again... now that I'm back to reading (and more on the way). Observation. - Must note that the lungs are a touch “heavy” and “sensitive” this morn. I wonder if they're not “cleaning” all that SHIT out and it's leaving some “injured” or “abrased” (I guess that's not a “legit” word... if some-thing has an “abrasion”, why then, is it not “abrased”?) tissue exposed. Yesterday, I woke to swollen fingers. That's rather a sign of CHF. THAT wouldn't surprise in the least. Oh well. No sense pondering. I'm not going to address it anyway.. One of these days. - OK. Time to get on with what-ever this day will bring. It''s a touch over-cast. Let's see what follows... and before we know... 16.00 and another day pissed away. - 22.08 SO... the “accomplishment” of THIS day? ... ... ... (drum-roll)... for the first time in YEARS... a “HF 10z”!!!!! IT WAS A-FUCKING-MAZING!!! Seriously and honestly, when it was “over and done” I walked around here as if I wasn't touching the floor. EVERY-thing in me was “off in another dimension”. No more chest heaviness. It was most remarkable! Took about an hour, but I just wasn't in any mood to rush any-thing. It was raining out, and I was in a frame of mind where I just didn't want to be bothered with any-thing else. SO? So... I just let it go to see if it was possible and how long it would take. WORTH EVERY SECOND! AT LAST! - Mean-while, on other fronts... made a chicken quarter with rice tonight's meal. Finished the cookie dough. Running low on food. - The fucking two tins of tomato soup have been cancelled. Interesting: I contacted “Customer Idiots” at Amazoon. “She” said I wasn't charged for the soup so I cancelled the fucking order.. Not TWO MINUTES LATER I receive an e-mail... notification... *** RE-FUCKING-FUND *** THEY FUCKING LIE SOMETHING SHIT-FUL. Any-way, not I have to get some-thing to replace that soup... and CARRY IT! FUCK ME! I'm SICK of this shit! - Right now... heading for a last smoke, then a quick shower and to bed! - There's SNOW in tonight's weather and tomorrow until about 10.00. What happens after 10.00? We shall see... I MIGHT toddle to Richie and in to town. Butter is on sale (of course, there won't be a fucking stick when I get there but...). - Really... I'm SICK of no transport! - Time to put it all aside... bed... escape! Salinger!

Tue.31.Mar: 7.36 Happy(?) Birthday Sweetest Heart. - There's no snow on the ground this morning and I heard the alarm at 5.00, turned it off and got out of the bed at 7.00. And another day commences. All I have to say at the moment is... The “remnants of yesterday's 10z” linger. And I'm pondering the diminishing food in the house, next Wednesday's toddle, the rumour that “people should start to receive their 'stimulus' in three weeks, and... I've got a loan payment going out tomorrow. There we have it. First quarter of the year is already gone by. And.... that covers it this morning. And I'm showered. This is it. For now. Let's see if I can't get some-thing done today so that tonight I can say it was a “productive” day... some-how. Right.
2.20 on Wednesday!!! 01 April! I've been on the phone with Theresa from since about 20.00 LAST NIGHT! WOW! We just get talking and there's just SO much we talk about! And now, not only is it another DAY... IT'S ANOTHER MONTH! And I have to make a loan payment too! So let me get to that. The water's boiled for ginger tea and my eyes are seeing double of everything. Time for serious nap. I was thinking of going into town today but... I don't suppose I will. Oh well... Let's see how much sleep I'll need...