I add pages as they become necessary, as months end and blur into the next. And with each addition, each new page, each new month I add here, to this collection, each and ever time… I think… I feel… and silently I wail: “NO! NO NO NO NO NO!!! NOT AGAIN! NOT ANOTHER MONTH! NOT ANOTHER DAY! NOT ANOTHER MOMENT!” and I wonder why I am still here to think this. WHAT… WHAT am I looking for? WHAT am I waiting for? WHAT am I existing for? Oh, to just pass away… beyond even the memory, if there are to be any, of me. Oh….
Saturday 30 Jan 2016 – 9.23

February… 2016:

Mon.1.Feb: 7.37 and another month comes rolling in. I feel like shit. Well… I generally feel OK. By guts feel like shit. So too, my mind. – Over-cast again this morning. And just in from a morning smoke and noticing that the thermo on the wood-shed is reading 50°F! 50? February? Winter is winding down and there’s only traces of what little snow we’ve had all season. The world has gone all wrong. – A new month and old anxieties. The car is top on that list. Being here is second. And the book is the third. Job is fourth. And another month rolls in… and I’m not very pleased… with any of it. – Catch-up for yesterday… and on with… – 22.42 In bed after a lengthy Skype with David and finding the little emojis and entertaining him with them. – Today? I went to the PO this morning to find the bill for the box rent… 60$! Are they fucking nuts? That’s AL 3 books that were sold! I have to check to see if I can do half year or if the PO pulled more bull-shit with that. – Saw Kerry as I was en route to the PO. Met her at the corner. She said she was going to take Hallie out for a walk later. And Jacquie was at home still. When I got to her door, she was at the door ready to leave to her Maryrose. She mentioned that she can’t get onto the Internet. Well… it went “out” (No DNS connection) on Saturday night already. And she didn’t sound happy. She’d even called to leave a voice message earlier in the day. Her “tone” sounds almost accusatory. Hmmm…. oh well. I told her in a text that she’ll have to call the phone company to get her password. It might need to be re-set. I don’t know WTF happened. Oh well. – And so I came back to work on BSB and finally got through March. 10 more months to go! – This evening, B&L got me a half-sub turkey. But… as we were watching another movie after dinner. my SINUSES BANGED-IN! TRULY REALLY BAD! PAIN! PAIN! PAIN! I took 2 AlevePM because of the pain. (Lyle just told me that Bob went to bed with horrible sinus pain this evening too. I wonder WTF it is! Tonight was HORROR! But the Aleve and a good face of cold night air seems to have helped… a bit. I probably should take more Aleve, since it was almost 3 hours ago, but I don’t want to be “doped” in the morning.) – And there’s the day. February. Fuckuary. – Listening to the “new” rather “classical” music on the iPod. Might have to sleep with it. Lyle’s got the TV volume up rather high again tonight. Hopefully the Aleve will take me through the night and to a PAIN-free morning. – OH… the FS form got dropped for the 14.30 truck at the PO.

Tue.2.Feb: 8.48! What an hour to be just getting out of bed! – 9.01 Up from smoke on a chilly morning. I suppose the Aleve did their part last night. Sinuses? Well, my face feels a bit “off”. Last night’s “blow-up” must have been “impressive”. I wonder: I used to get cysts in those back teeth. Am I now getting them in the sinuses? Cysts. Is that what causes the back pains? Some people get them all over their body. I wonder. And this morning I can’t help but think: I’m not afraid of death… I’m afraid of dying. I don’t want to “linger”… just “go”. – Money. How do I get it? I owe B&L SO much. The car is all but dead. I hope that’s nothing more than frozen condensation in the gas line and it will be fine, in warmer weather. I should sell it and start from the beginning, I suppose. I suppose… from the beginning… again. – Another month… another year. Just another. – I have to get to Jacquie this morning, fix her Internet. – Two small DREAM frags:
First, I was watching 2 turtles copulate. How odd is that? I stumbled upon them and they almost got “locked” in some sort of position but managed to untangle and then continued as if all went well. When they’d done, the female fondled the male and licked! (Turtles don’t do that sort of thing and I marvelled that they were engaging in “pleasure” more than reproduction.) – Second dream: I was trying to get past some Pakistani-sort of people and one of them shoved me so that I almost fell into one who was sitting in a chair behind me. We were about to engage in a very heated argument! I woke.
Well… I’ve no idea what could have brought these dreams on, but there they were, in my unconscious. Something is on my mind. Let’s see if there’s anything “premonitory” about them. – On with the day. – 22.56 Worked more on BSB. June ’11 is a MESS! If that shit went to print… FUCK Nancy AND Eduardo! – Saw Jacquie for a little while She was off to help her Maryrose and invited me to dine this evening. (Thankfully her Internet’s back!) I never made it over there this evening. Had 2 franks with B&L though. Plain, on bun, mustard, no chili. I’m afraid of getting stuff stuck in my teeth and setting-off the sinuses. – Back to more work on BSB this evening and some soc.med. on the “new” Twtr! with “old” friends there. – David’s been on the Skype! 22 messages from the day. I’m now approaching “worry”. Not comfy with this… especially the “coming to see you” bit. NOT comfy at all! – Well… time for turn-in. I was in bed by 21.00. No last smoke tonight. My face still doesn’t feel “right” after last night.

Wed.3.Feb: 4.24 I just woke… at about 4.05, well-rested and ready to be awake. No alarms. Just woke. Have had coffee, smoke and am beginning the day. Now… let’s see if I can’t keep the day rolling. Not bad. I don’t know why I’m awake. But I am. Extra time on the day! – 19.48 and about ready to collapse and hope HOPE for sleep tonight. It’s been a full day of working on trying to put the 8539266 Journal together. And as I work with it I keep getting sick! The bowels troubles just as they happened back then! I have to wonder. And this is what? THRID time through the fucking thing? I truly could, had I the chance, face-punch both Nancy and Eduardo with all the strength I have left in my soul! Talk about “fuckers”! AND BOTH had the fucking audacity to shove shit at and on ME! Yeah, really, right, as always… ME, MY faults. FUCK THE ACTUAL FUCK OFF THE BOTH OF YOU… and take those shits who people refer to as my “siblings” with you. Usurious fucking malignancies. – Anyway, at about 11.00 I stopped by to see Jacquie and just catch-up. She’s getting her papers together for her taxes. Me? No W2. According to Jacquie, by law, we’re supposed to have them by the 1st Feb. Oh well… I’ve got my work cut out trying to find the final pay-cheque stub from last year. I’ll do my taxes! AND I’ll report the fucking Post Office whilst I’m at it. There. Done deal, that. Anyway, I left her at about 12.30 or so and she invited me for dinner again this evening. – Well, at about 15.30 this evening, I made 2 rolls with cheese curds. Then, at about 16.15 or so, go invited to dine. “Chicken tenders” already on the plate. Oh well… In retrospect I could have declined. I wanted to because of my guts. But I ate the chicken and a bit of some grain-thing that’s all the rage but I can’t recall what it’s called. Oh well… – That done, doggies out to stretch and back to work on the journal until just now when I’ve come into such a mess for July that I’m giving up. – OH! But I DID find reference to “Lou” on the Twitter back then… Cut a quote out that mentioned him and how much his pain of losing his parents hurt me… put it on an image and posted to him via my new Twitter. 5 years ago this July… it doesn’t seem possible… Lou and Jay… and so many others. Anyway, now listening to music on the iPod and going for what I hope will be the one last smoke of the day. I need to get to sleep (in spite of the hour-long nap I took this afternoon). – 22.40 FOUND THE PUBLISHED VERSION OF BSB!!! – One more note before closing: David is starting to, well, become a bit “intrusive”. Always on-line even in Twitter now. 15 and 22 messages when I get to Skype. And talk of “visiting”.Tonight I sent a message via Skype advising not to simply “visit” because I don’t know how much longer I’ll be here and that if I’d been more secure about things, I’d have invited him sooner. It’s almost as if being “stalked”. Well, let’s see…. let’s just see. It’s not that I shouldn’t appreciate the attention and affections, but truly, well, hey… that’s not what I came North for and no, I’m not in a position to engage in such.

Thu.4.Feb: 5.48 Woke with the 5.30 alarm, coffee and smoke, feeling well-rested on this, another rather warm morning. But, VERY rather congested this morning. And a sense of “pressure” on the right side of the chest. And not, some-how, getting quite enough air. A little on the “warm” side too. Sinus? Lung? Not sure. Oh well. – Lyle is awake in the parlour, with TV on. Bob was gone at 5.30 already. Early day for all? – But me… I smell “sour” this morning. I can’t tell if it’s the sweats or me. That “old, sour” odour. “Old”. Imagine that. At my age. (I “lol”… Not really, but…) – Another day to work on BSB. Images and such. To think, I could have had this done already, by now, had I found that published file sooner. Well… we have what we need… and all that sort of philosophical stuff. – 21.00 IN bed. I feel like I’m coming down with something. Nose is a bit on the drip, body feels “light”. Can’t tell if it’s from Jacquie’s, where I’ve got next week’ wood in the kitchen (and the floor, damp mopped) or what. Anyway, peppermint tea is steeping and I’m ready for a nap. – Got MUCH done on BSB today and another entire set of the images from the WP version. Now, I just hope that the published version I’m working with is perfect. I even have it formatted to put the sketches on the right column! Hey! Not bad. This time it will go as it should have been originally. – So, Jacquie left this morning at about 9.00 and never said a word. I went over at about 10.45, no note, nothing. I sent her a message and she replied that she’d gone to the closing for her Maryrose and then was off for errands and then to work. Fine. No prob. – I opened the recent envelope from her. 20$CAD with the 40. I needed smokes. Well… now I have to get to the banque to put the 20 in. Maybe when she leaves for holidays, if I don’t walk up myself one of these days. Pain in the ass not having the car driveable. Oh well… my “life”. – And I was told that I’ll have the house the week-end. Bob asked… “asked” me if I’d mind minding the dogs. As if… “I don’t want you to feel like the live-in baby-sitter.” (I am… for your husband anyway?) So either tomorrow or Saturday, I have “me” time! YAY! (I just hope I’m not going to have a “cold” time or anything of that sort. It would be my “life” to be ill with the time to me.) – And so, that wraps it. I have to send the “report” to Jacquie. I forgot to earlier… got into a movie with B&L. – OK. Report sent. Message to David. And me off to try for sleep. This day is a “wrap”.

Fri.5.Feb: 5.29 And we’re awake and sniffling and drippy nose and not that I’m “not well” but I’m not “well”. Cold? Allergy? Something. Watch, I’ll have the house on the week-end and be ill. Yep. Why not? Eh? Anyway, chatted with Bob and brought Dixie out again with me. Lyle is half awake in the parlour and Bob’s off to work. I’m wondering if they’ll be off this evening or tomorrow. No diff, really. I’m just relieved that the wood is stacked at Jacquie’s and the floors are relatively clean already. Laundry is the only “major” on the list. And of course, Hallie, the these two here. (And thankfully, I’ve enough vitamin C to help kick what-ever this is… I’m actually wondering if the sniffles aren’t from the rose hips… that happened once before, many years ago. Oh well.). – I’ve got a head start on the day! – 12.30 Hallie fed. Mme. Blanche-Noire fed and watered. Clothes washed and dried. Bed linens in the dryer. Floors swept and mopped. Wood stacked, inside and out. Stove cleaned and set-up for Sunday. Porch swept. And as I was sweeping, Kerry came by to take Hallie for a walk, which she didn’t do because… well… because I was there. – Room water in. Floor in the room, swept. Dogs out to pee. – Lyle still asleep in the parlour. – I left here at 9.00. – Nice day out there too. – Now… TEA for ME! – Then back to get my linens and I’m done over there. – Need smokes and dinner for tonight but won’t do that until the “lunch hour crowd” is gone. – Seriously? – And my nose is drippy, throat a bit on the “not normal”. But I’m trudging along. And they’d BETTER go away for the week-end! I need a break! – 13.55 DONE! I don’t believe it but… DONE! Only things left are: make the bed, shower me, feed Ms. Hallie. Tah.. fucking… dah. – 17.06 AND I AM IN LA CAGE, ALONE! HOOVERING IS DONE. LAUNDRY IS DONE. CLEANED AND FILLED THE PELLET STOVE. SWEPT THE FLOOR AND THE STAIRS. DONE. NEXT DOOR HAD NON-DIET TONIC. I AM DONE. The dogs are freaking because of B&L being gone but… Hopefully they wont’ be too obnoxious. – I got a “write-off” from David this evening. I will quote the shit here before closing the day. Says he: I’ve no time for this drama. Says me: No prob. Oh well. –

********** SKYPE DAVID **********
[05:42:33] David Kirkman: Short note here to wish you all the best of everything in life and in and of your endeavors forward. It has been a pleasure meeting you and interfacing with you, very much appreciated. Have to chuckle here with what you said; Nature it is said, tends towards “balance” . . . , if all this happy stuff has to be balanced, . . . , prepare he the way of the “whammy.” I know your busy and all and can understand, but currently at this point I feel as if I chatting into a void. Thus I will take leave. Keep in touch, holler up if you need anything and again thank you for this time and space. Take care of yourself, bless and keep you, your friend always, David
[07:11:56] David Kirkman: P.S. Package posting today, priority mail. Always, David

*** (me: 14.19) Very odd: I do my best to make certain to take at least one moment of each and every day to keep in touch, as best I can, with those I think of as “friends” even at some level. But I suppose that for some, and I’ve been shown that for many, that much consideration isn’t quite “enough”. Alas. I HAD a person in my life for many years whom I considered a “true” and “best” “Friend”. I was there to help when money was short (and never expected, requested nor received reciprocity), I was there when she had no car, I drove from The Bronx to Laval to make certain her rent and bills were paid and that shopping, Entertainment and necessities were attened. I was there when she needed help to pack and move and then un-pack when moved. Ah… we’d lost contact for almost 8 years… but I picked up as if time had been mere moments. And once re-connected, I kept in touch, each and ever night, with at least a line or 2 (via this here Skype). Even after bicycling almost 70km a day, form 4.30-17.30, I made certain to, at the very least, drop a line of greetings and such. Weeks went by after the last move was done and not even so much as a blip.

Well, I’ve learnt my lesson from that. If putting myself out in order to honour a Relationship of any sort isn’t enough, and the gestures of consideration are insufficient, then there is nothing more that I can do and nothing more that should be done. “Friends”, I have always believed, understand that when they are not together, “Life” happens and that for some, there are many chores that require attention.. other than sitting about every waking hour engaged in some sort of contact. I still believe that. And when one side OR the other cannot accept the necessities of the other party, well then, as freely as the Wind blows o’er the open plains, so too, must people.

I’m sorry that I can’t simply sit at a computer each and every waking hour of my existence, moving nothing more than my fingers and wrists, (as some others with whom I am directly familiar in recent years pass their time, in front of a television, moving nothing more than the fingers necessary to surf the “Guide” on the tele in front of them, leaving only to fetch something more to eat or, in times of dire need, to shit and pee). I have never been one to remain idle, watching the grass grow, the snow melt, the sun pass from East to West. And I have no intention to becoming one of that ilk.

You say that you feel “as if chatting into a void”. Yes… I understand that very sentiment… all too well.

I never meant to represent myelf as anything other than what and who I am and if I’ve mislead, although I don’t know how I could have done, I AM sincerely sorry. That’s all I can say.

Your message reads as a “Write-off”. Well, more than often-enough I’ve also learnt that debating such an issue proves futile. As my Mum instructed:
If, at the end of the day, as you lay your head down to sleep, you can, in ALL truth, honesty and sincerity say that you did the best you could with what you had, then let nobody judge you. There is nothing more than your “best”. And if that’s what you did and what you gave, then put your head on your pillow, close your eyes and sleep well and soundly.

I do that… every night. *****

[14:22:33] David Kirkman: Wow, I did not mean that at all. I understood you are busy and that out of the blue you were leaving and well what the hell am I suppose to think
[14:27:00] David Kirkman: A visit was in in the works and you canned that. Said you would not be here meaning there much longer. I type here and no response until next day. I don’t think I wrote you off at all. I stated I knew you were busy and to give a holler. I don’t know what else to say
[14:33:14] David Kirkman: It you choose to interpret it as how you stated that is your perogitive, but I did not mean it as you took. Was simply given you. Sorry that you mistook it in that way. It was not a brush off. I don’t what’s to debate
[14:36:14] David Kirkman: I’m not going yo debate anything. I was simply giving you time to work on editing and getting it together to leave Franklin as you said you wouldn’t be here if I visited. So, ….????
[14:41:09] David Kirkman: I don’t have television. I read to occupy my time or watch foreign films from my library. Don’t forget now, you so stated in a way and canned the planned visit during the summer and stated I’m not long for this town. That’s okay, you can throw all that in my face
[14:43:25] David Kirkman: It’s interesting that you make your statement, but disappear from this chat area, much like Trump and as you said no debate!
[14:44:54] David Kirkman: I have a nor’easter to tend to, that why I’m gone here
[15:01:59] David Kirkman: Do whatever you choose to do. Really sorry you misinterpreted it
[15:05:28] David Kirkman: If you allow this to severe a friendship, let me tell you something, there wasn’t much there on your part
[15:19:09] David Kirkman: You know what, write me off, because that is what you want to do. I don’t need this drama.
[15:49:21] David Kirkman: If it ain’t your way or your interpretation, then it the highway for the other. Talk about disposal
[15:53:21] David Kirkman: I don’t sit around either, but I do take my time to ENJOY life
[15:56:23] David Kirkman: Also here, enjoy what I sent you in the package. A token of someone your willing to write off at the snap of a finger
[16:11:18] David Kirkman: One last thing, you’ve probably forgotten, but I gave you a friendship and irregardless of what has transpired here this afternoon, if you were in need right now, tomorrow, three months from now, one year and so on, as long as I am able, I would be there for you, I gave you my word and I stand behind my word regardless of bumps and grinds that can and do occur between people!But go ahead, “Write-Me-Off.” (Got a nor’easter here today, so today would have a delay in assisting you)

********** END SKYPE **********

Please… no drama. Well… to the list for today, we add one more DONE. –
24.17 Well it took a while but I finally got the bed made, browsed a bit of Twitter and such, and Tumblr for inspiration which, after 3 v-tons, wasn’t exactly too impressive. Even with an “out-side” try. Oh well. But eventually, a nice, long, hot shower x3 washes was…. well… necessary. And it was a pleasure too… both the “eventually” and the shower. – But my nose is still itchy and drippy and my throat is still scratchy. I don’t know what that could be. – Dinner: tin of soup with bread. – Hallie at 19.00 to 20.00. Back to la cage.

Sat.6.Feb: 0.15 The lights just went out… all over town. Lyle was right. Imagine that. So my Internet is out too. Oh well. – 0.19 Back on. – 10.51 REALLY? WOW! Still not even 11.00 yet. I’m impressed. I woke at some point before sun-rise this morning to… HEADACHE! DRIPPY NOSE! SAND-APER THROAT! General misery. And I went back to sleep for the 6.00 alarm, through which I rolled over and slept to wait for the 8.00 alarm which I ignored. It was about 8.30 when I woke, put on the coffee and peed…. in the loo! Had my coffee, took the ladies out for morning ‘moke, in for breafast and… in a drear of miserable, got me together and went to Ms. Hallie and Mme. Blanche Noire. – We had only a bit of the most beautiful snow this morning, so I grabbed Jacquie’s broom and got her back stoop cleared, and then… to la cage… pavement from… store to the corner of the Highgate Street. Hallie needed the time out-doors and I didn’t mind. It was an easy sweep. – Done… returned to la cage and brought up another 17 bags of pellets to the porch. And now… here I am. Feeling only a touch better than i did when I woke, but up and about and ready to get on with…. SHABBAT. –
***** SKYPE *****
[2016-02-05 18:12:23] David Kirkman: I doubt you will, but do not bother sending me ‘Bitter Sweet Bitterness’ there is enough eluding here today
[2016-02-05 18:21:00] David Kirkman: Here’s another remembrance as regards the visit, you were actually looking forward to it, sitting on the bench and tweeting, (schooling me as regards Twitter) as well as some me time, and sitting and chatting for real, and then you ‘NIX’ the visit out of the blue, and I understand it and don’t twist that into writing ME of, but boy do you like to jump conclusion and twist words to suit you
[2016-02-05 18:40:29] David Kirkman: Incidentally also I don’t sit around on this computer all day, I drop you notes when I up in AM, in for lunch, back in later for coffee and yes in the evening I’m in for the most part. If anything on this IdiotaPad I compete in pool
[2016-02-05 18:41:59] David Kirkman: That’s about it for and I sure you have had enough of me, so do me a favor and let me know where I stand as regards you. You will always be my friend, but need to know where you stand as regards me, please and thank you. I going to shovel snow
[2016-02-05 20:32:27] David Kirkman: Good night and trust you have a restful one and that tomorrow dawn a better one
[2016-02-05 22:29:13] David Kirkman: No wonder you sit in the back of the castle in your wedding dress with the mote filled and the drawbridge drawn tight with a rotting wedding cake. He you take joy in despising people. Your a weak individual. Good bye. You will need a lot of luck!
***** END SKYPE *****
11.06 No more of this nonsense. Now to make certain it doesn’t pop up else-where. Honestly. “I don’t need the drama.” Then don’t start any. Simple. Done. Next. – 22.24 I bed at last after 2 episodes of :Are You Being Served”. In clean jammies, on clean sheets, with ALL of my laundry DONE. Poor Ms. Hallie though. She didn’t get her usual week-end company. And she ate at about 18.30 so I’ll HAVE to get over there earlier tomorrow. I can only hope… the AlevePM doesn’t seem to be kicking in. My sinuses are still full and I could feel them emptying as I stood out having my smoke. Oh well… not the first time… certainly not the last (unless I don’t wake in the morning). – The “girls” are camped out-side my door in the hall where they were last night as well. And the house is in silence. Hopefully… a night’s sleep ahead. –

Sun.7.Feb: 8.49

DREAM:
A rainy, drizzly sort of day, over-cast and dreary. NYC. I was with somebody (David or Angel, it’s rather ambiguous), a friend, somebody who knew I’d been in the Shelter before. We were walking about and the time came for me to get to the Shelter. I was going back in today after a while of being out and on my own. I had no job and no place to go to. But I didn’t tell anybody. Nobody knew. – We wandered over to the Shelter and I took an opportunity to bring him (the friend) and some other people in to show them around. So we went in and to the basement to a room I’d had before (A108). The room had stone walls and one small window. Being in the “basement” the walls were the foundation and they were painted white, although, after so many years of neglect, they were greyed with soot and dust. On the wall was an old “heater” of some kind. Kerosene or something of that sort. And in the stove-pipe exhaust, a “filtre” of some sort. A funnel-shaped “filtre”. It was caked with dust and age, dark, thick, almost greasy. I showed the “group” the room and the “filtre” which had been taken out of the stove-pipe where it belonged and was just set there. It was as if the room was no longer in use and hadn’t been occupied for many years. We discussed the filtre. It was understood that it was, some-how used for making coffee in the days when it was new. I said that I could use it again for its intended purpose, were I to get this room again. Somebody asked, rather disgusted “How many people do you suppose used it already?” and I replied (feeling that somebody in the group might take some pity and offer me an alternative to going back into the shelter… but knowing nobody would) “I don’t know… as many people as have been in this room I suppose, considering the building was built in, oh, I don’t know, 1898 or so?” They all seemed rather depressed at the thought of being in that room in the Shelter and we (the group) all left and went out. – Outside the room was a parking garage. The group disassembled and went on their way, save my “friend”, who some-how was now Charlie. HE wasn’t in the Shelter, never had been and didn’t know that I was on my way back in. He and I walked up the ramp and as we walked along, in the drear, the Shelter staff were coming in to work. Several of the staff greeted me. One (Crawford?) greeted me with a warm welcome and smiles. Another, rather “large”, Black woman said “HI! It’s nice to see when people come back to have fun here. Very few actually come back just to enjoy the place. Good for you!” She had no idea I was returning not to have “fun” but because I was coming back “in”. – “Charley and I walked up the ramp to a parking area that had been set-up with tables. There was to be a meeting/discussion of some kind. The area was at a slant/grade and the tables were the plastic “banquet” tables. I recognised some “Security” guards. They smiled when they saw me and recognised me. It felt both “good” and “bad” at the same time, to be recognised. Charley was impressed with how many seemed to know me. As the “meeting” opened, I hear a woman welcome everybody, as she made the announcement “Today we’re here to discuss ‘security’ in the shelter. We’ll start as soon as everybody has a seat. Everybody please find a place and sit down!” She was annoyed by all the people wandering about. So Charley grabbed a seat at a full table and I went in search of a place for me, at a table rather up toward the end. It was later in the after-noon by now and this “event” was taking place in the open… in the drizzle. People sat at the tables with umbrellas up. As it got a bit later and the meeting/presentation was going on, I suddenly remembered that I had HOURS that I’d have to wait through before I got a bed assignment that night and so, I HAD to get in and get the paper-work rolling. So I went to find Charley and tell him that I had to go. I looked at and through so many tables, but because of all the people and the umbrellas, I couldn’t find him. (I thought he’d left and he’d thought that I left… but I don’t know HOW I knew this… even in the dream… because we’d never talked about it… I just “knew”.) When I got to the “registration kiosk” (as is in 30th Street), I wanted to make the “Intake” quicker and tried giving my “HA” number but kept thinking “8539277”. The number kept kicking OUT at me and the guy at Intake was becoming annoyed. Ah… finally, I recalled and said “Try 266.” and sure enough, there I was. he gave me my “card” and told me to go to the room where everybody else was already waiting. And so, I walked up the stairs and headed down the hall (in 30th Street) and knew that again, I was alone….. and I woke.
END OF DREAM
Nice beginning to this day of flurries. And now, at 9.19, I’ve gulped my coffee and 2gm vitamin C, had morning ‘moke with the girls and they’ve had breakfast, My voice is very deep and raspy this morning. My eyes aren’t tearing as much but my sinuses are rather full. I’ve got head-ache and feeling “woozy”. But generally, my body feels fine… just the remnants of the “Aleve” from last night (which really didn’t but some-how did help me to sleep through the night). – And its time to get to Ms. Hallie and Mme. Blanche-Noir and get the fire going in the stove over there and get this Sunday rolling! No time to calmly “wake”. But I HAD to get the dream noted… of ALL things… back in the Shelter! I wonder what THAT’S all about. Premonitory? Or what? – 21.26 IN bed at a FULL “cage”. Feeling like shit too, but I think the Aleves are finally kicking in so I can get to sleep soon. At least I can hope so. – Got EVERYTHING caught-up at Jacquie’s today and when I went back at about 11.30, to put extra wood in the stove (which really didn’t even need it, surprisingly) she’d just arrived back! She notice I’m not feeling well and invited me in to tea but I wanted to get back to continue working on BSB. Well, I came back to la cage and worked on the book and actually forgot to go back over. No prob. I worked until B&L came back… at about 17.00 and then took a “break” and strolled over to Jacquie’s but she was gone… I suspect, to Jes and Kerry’s for Sunday dinner, so I came back and went back to work on the book. – By about 18.30 I actually was hungry so I broke open a tin of “Chunky” soup and had that with a roll. – 21.31 Well… as it turned out, B&L ordered a pizza from next door and this evening I was not invited to participate. But that’s just as well. (I wonder, when they go away, I know they discuss things and matters and indeed I wonder what is said about me being here. I’ve no doubt that it’s not “positive” but… I know what I’m doing here. And although it does me no particular good, it’s good to know that at least Jacquie sees me as a benefit to them. Somebody knows that my presence in the place is a HUGE plus for both because of all the work I actually do around the place that would other-wise not get done, not to mention: I’m here in case of any emergency. It is… what it is.) – So I had 2 ginger teas this evening, hoping that they’ll help with this cold or what-ever it is. It’s breaking today/this evening and I have to admit, I’m in some degree of misery! BUT… I finally got the BSB TEXT EDITED! AND I’M WORKING ON THE IMAGES! So I really can’t complain about that (other than the fact that it doesn’t sell very much.) – My eyes are watering and I’m feeling rather like shit… Time for lights-out and to put this day in the archives.

Mon. 8 Feb: HOME
4.47 Awake and feeling a bit better than yesterday. A bit. And now? Back to the images, Maybe today I can get this done! And I do believe that this evening, I should be able to post to the fesses-book. And get this journal published… the way it SHOULD have been originally. I just worry (of course): Will I go into a complete break-down once it’s done. After all… THIS will be the PROMISE… kept. Aziz? I’m doing it! (How I wonder where all those guys are these days… I do wonder. And I hope they’re all safe and sound and stable… away from shelters.) – 10.32 Taxes done and posted and half-assed, I must admit. Pain in the arse, those things. Especially the VT taxes! 2 fucking pages and all sorts of shit to go through. But, I put the forms together and dropped them in the post. – Stopped at Jacquie’s. As last night… no answer at the door and no Hallie. Oh well. But I noticed that she’s gone through almost half of all the wood that was stacked in the kitchen! I mean… WTF? Oh well. – Now? Lyle’s asleep (of course). I don’t know if the dogs got breakfast this morning but I don’t dare to feed them, in case. So I’m going back to trying to figure how to get the sketches into the book. That too, is a pain in the arse. And my nose is dripping, eyes, wat’ry. Enough of this day. Really. – 24.15 Tired. Worked SO SO MUCH on the images for BSB and was almost through when the fucking program fucked about with its spinning shit so I turned the fucking lap-top off and went to visit with Jacquie. SHE BOUGHT ME ZICAM FOR MY COLD AND FOR MY SINUSES AND THEN WE WENT TO… BEDFORD!!! I stopped at CIBC to deposit the 20 she gave me (and she thought she’d given me 3 U.S. 20s… or so she said) and we went to Metro for… 2 Maudite, 2 Fin du Monde, a small block of cheese and peanut-butter. She got her steaks and yoghurt. I got Lyle 2 bags of Coffee Crisps and she got him a box of Mae Wests. Ah… BUT… WE WENT THROUGH THE AUTOMATED CUSTOMS AT ST-ARMAND! INTERESTING! It was just past 16.00 when we got there and indeed… we got the automated! And, as I’m to understand, we’re amongst the first! HEY! Coming back? “Where were you? What did you do? What are you bringing back?” DONE! We had beer an could have had more. No check. But… hey… – Dinner with Jes and Kerry at Jacquie’s. A really nice evening. And the Zicam works! Kills the cold symptoms! Wonderful. I hope the sinus stuff works as well. – Anyway, didn’t leave Jacquie’s until 22.30… It’s snowing this evening. Oh, and I have maple-stuff donuts! But I’m not going into them tonight (I hope). – Lyle very appreciative of the candy and cakes. The dogs were SO happy to see me. – And right now… peppermint tea and hope to wake in about 4-5 hours!

Tue.9.Feb: 8.18 Indeed. Light dusting of snow on the cold ground this over-cast morning. Groggy me. And traces of the cold from the week-end. But, not too bad at all. Up from a smoke with Dixie. But my stomach is churning a bit and the fingers and brain are in a bit of slow motion here. Oh well. – But there’s a 2016 calender on the wall. Funny, how that can make such a difference. – I’m not happy about the images formatting on the BSB. Wondering about a re-work. – Oh. Fesses-book should be running today. I’ll have to get the book done now. AND… on the market. And get to work on more marketing. – Things to be done. Indeed. – 8.24 Nope. Fesses-book still blocked… “6 hours more”. Faggots. – 22.01 In be after a nice dinner of pancakes and fresh-made apple sauce, rum and Coke and a light wine with Jacquie which was completely unintended. I’d gone over at about 17.30 after a full day of trying to put the images into BSB! Fucking shit software… moves shit all over. I got pissed and HAD to walk away. 113 more images to go. Damn it. But the feses-book is back up so the advertising will be able to go on there and I’ll have to push the Journal Days a bit more now. – New Hampshire votes are done and Trump got the Republican and Sanders got the DemocRats. Vermont votes beginning of March and yes, I’ll vote this year… If I’m still around (and I hope I’m not). – Long week-end coming. Jacquie’s leaving tomorrow morning and not back until late tomorrow night. Then early on Thursday this week and late on Sunday and is hoping to have Pam and Dave and Jes to dinner. Yes, I’m invited but I’ll have to get the house together for the event (I suppose). I don”t mind. – The flood light was on for me again this evening when I came in. I wonder if by accident or… anyway, Bob is just getting to bed. – Me? Tea and I’ve done another shot of Zicam just in case. It was a symptom-free day but I wasn’t feeling all too well… tired and a bit on the nauseated side. Oh well… can’t be perfectly well all the time. – Time for tea, a brief run through the soc.med. – Oh… and no word from David. I don’t have e-mail blocked… and his “parcel” is still in the PO. I suppose I should see how much to send it back and do so. Period. “Friends”. That’s how they are… (Says the old woman in the closet with the rotting wedding cake. FTW.)

Wed.10.Feb: 6.20 Up. Awake. Another day. Double-digit date. Chilly. Feeling a touch bedraggled. But not ill. And we’re off and… and. – 20.35 and I am in the bed! The day? Mostly working on the BSB. I’ve decided to keep the sketches on or close to the original pages where they were in the journal. So, those that have writing on them? Well, I’m trying to read them and match with the book. Not easy, and I’m finding that I didn’t bother to put some of the “NOTES” into the book! So this is truly a “new” work! But, when it’s done, it will be DONE this time…THIS TIME! – Other than that, a few breaks for soc.med. and to keep up with the “Author” page on the fesses-book. – Went over to Hallie at about 15.00 this evening and got wood from the garage into the kitchen for tonight (and hopefully much left over so there won’t be much to do on the week-end. Even though the week-end is expected to be hovering in the minus 20’s. As I was leaving, Lyle was preparing dinner and asked if I’d be back for that and I simply said “I don’t know.” Well… I wasn’t. I didn’t get back until almost 18.00! Had a tea, did a bit of soc.med. and it was time to go back! – 18.30 and I was out, to the store, chicken patties, 2 Whoopie Pies, a half’n’half for tomorrow (cereal), a bag of fake rolls and dinner with Ms. Hallie! – Took a bucket of embers out of the stove and burnt some of my “trash paper”… washed my dishes and cleared the stoop and a bit of the drive for when Jacquie gets in later. Hallie and I went twice round the house. – Came back to la cage, shoveled the front walk, back porch and path round the side, brought the “ladies’ here to the yard for ‘moke’n’pee-pee. When I came in, Lyle said that he’d had them out about 40 minutes prior. Well… Me? I seriously doubt that since (a) no markings in the snow out back and (b) no lights were on out back whilst I was with Hallie. So… let’s just call it another “Full of shit” and let it go. – I did get to the PO today and tossed the yellow “parcel” card into the recyc. I might pay the return postage or I might just let them RTS. We’ll see how it goes. – Meanwhile, the Whoopie pies are here and I’m really rather in the mood for my licorice tea which is steeping. And… I am ON the bed and will be IN the bed in short order. I’m exhausted! – Another day. Double-digit date. The snow is falling lightly. And I’m just generally fed up with the whole matter.

Thu.11.Feb: 6.27
DREAM: ALL NIGHT… EMBEZZLEMENT… FOR STEALING A PAIR OF WORK-BOOTS FROM SEARS! OVER AND OVER, FOR WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE ENTIRE NIGHT! I DIDN’T STEAL ANYTHING AND HADN’T EVEN BEEN NEAR A SEARS STORE. BUT I WAS BEING ACCUSED! AND I HADN’T WORKED AT A SEARS STORE SO IT COULDN’T HAVE BEEN EMBEZZLEMENT. BUT EVERBODY I TALKED WITH, PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T EVEN KNOW ME, ACCUSED ME OF EMBEZZLING A PAIR OF WORK-BOOTS FROM SEARS! And I woke, with the 5.30 alarm, in a frame of mind and mood that’s nothing short of frustrated and angry. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS ALL ABOUT THEN?
And this morning, I’m wondering if I should actually register for voting, considering that I have no idea where all the information goes and what it’s used for (or against me). What a delightful way to begin a day. – Oh… Lyle’s 66th birthday today. – And Seth Toyooka in Oregon: last night, Jason posted that his surgery went well. Spinal Bifida. The little fellow… what a way to begin a “life”. This world isn’t worth the effort. But may little Seth come through this perfectly, and never suffer any more. – And now we commence with the day. – Curtis has plowed in front of the house this morning. The side-walk is done as well, and the back yard. How charming. – FUCK THIS DAY! – Thank you and good morning. – 20.34 In bed on the bed and ready to go to bed. The day? Mostly soc.med. and images for the book. Shoveling of snow as well. AND… AND… it was about 15.00 when I took the girls out for ‘moke and, to my AMAZEMENT, I ACTUALLY GOT TO WATCH THE THERMO ON THE BARN DROP FROM ZERO TO MINUS 4°F! AND IN THE TIME IT TOOK TO HAVE HALF A CIGARETTE! Thankfully, the drop has slowed, but even now, it’s only about minus 5°F out there. I’m just back from Jacquie’s where I cleaned the kitchen table a bit, stoked the stove with some wood to keep embers over-night, and poor Hallie got half-way out the drive and collapsed from cold feet! The temperature isn’t all that cold but the chill most certainly is! Thankfully too, the snow has stopped. But it’s so cold that the snow is dry and blows all about. Oh well. I do what I can. – Had a sub with B&L this evening. I accepted because it’s Lyle’s 66th today. And at dinner I was informed that “Gary”, one of the 2 who came the night of NO SLEEP, will be coming for the week-end. The excuse is that Gary and his “other” have taken-in a “straight” couple and Gary’s having a bit of a time of it and needs a break. So he’s coming here. I managed to get in a jab about “the school girls in the hall” the last time and was told that it’s not going to be like that this week-end. We shall see… I might be sleeping at Jacquie’s. We shall see. But I’m wondering how they’re going to work out the “heating” logistics. THIS IS FORECAST FOR TEMPERATURES OF MINUS 30°C. I mean, even now my windows are already frosted. Oh well… not my situation. And if I need… I’ll use the heater. So there. (Or… I’ll stoke the stove and sleep at Jacquie’s. There are alternatives, thankfully.) – Having trouble getting onto WordPress today. The only browser working is Firefox, Thankfully, I have that to fall-back on. Reasons to be thankful, part III. – Right now… a bit of soc.med., peppermint tea and SLEEP I HOPE! –

Fri.12.Feb: 8.24 The alarms sounded. I turned the light on. I went back to sleep. Am up from smoke. Minus 2°F. Sunny. Here come the cold days. And I promised to clean at Jacquie’s this week-end for her dinner on Sunday. And I’m wanting more to just go back to sleep than much else. But there’s laundry to be done. Chores. in about 30 minutes. Oh well… Another day. – 15.40 Room swept. Bed made. Jacquie’s done, save the floors. 14 bags of pellets hauled. (4 bags in the house… no thanks, of course.) The walk and stoops shoveled and swept of snow. And I just got an hour nap. – Their “Gary” is here. Looks like a larger version of the freak. I don’t know where nor how they find them. But the house has been quiet. Hopefully tonight will be like-wise. – I’m having a coffee, then back to Jacquie’s to do my clothes and a shower. I wanted some “me” time but that’s not going to happen. Oh well… it’s not the first time. – I rang FS and cleared that. But today’s post brought the notice that should have gone in with my taxes… no med. coverage for the past 3 months. Well… let them take the fucking taxes they’ll hold anyway. Fuck this country. Really. I wonder just what Trump will do when he’s in. Probably screw us all to hell anyway. Oh well. That’s the world today. No sense worrying. Not much longer anyway. – For now… all is calm and water’s boiled. – OH… I had to un-and-re-install Opera to get to WordPress! Fuck me! Lost my bookmarks! I’m pissed but… oh well. It’s just more of what means anything to me at all in my existence… gone. – Well it’s 24.32 (I know… this should be on tomorrow’s date but…) At last I get into a clean bed and clean me after a shower at Jacquie’s again this evening. – I wasn’t even invited to dine with B&L and their Gary this evening, but I was invited to cake and coffee… which I managed to “miss”. Better for me, I suppose. I sometimes wonder what they think of how I manage to dodge… I sometimes wonder… and then, i don’t care. – Must say that their Gary actually IS quite quiet. – Managed to all but polish off the vodka. (Those smaller bottles don’t last very long… not with me anyway) and am hoping that the 3 v-tons help with sleep. Although it doesn’t seem to be that way. More to the opposite tonight. The trouble with drinking… I just can’t drink myself to sleep any more these days. – But I had a bit of a fesses-book chat with Martha this evening. Unintended as it was. But it’s a delight to chat with her. She’s quite the doll. One of these days… I kid myself… as if I’ll ever get to Texas at this point in my life. Well… we never know. It would be fun though. (HOW can I get back to work and make MONEY? FUCK ME.) – Well… TOO LATE to bed this evening and it’s time to close this day. So…. CLOSED.

Sat.13.Feb: 11.48 and the COLD has arrived! The thermos read about 0°F but it feels MUCH colder out there. – I woke at about 8.30, and did NOT want to get out of bed. Not too cold in the room but… Windows are frosted completely. Their “Gary” was in the “Bob’s room”. But last night and this morning… quiet. Very nice. – Hallie’s been fed, Mme. Blanche-Noire has been attended, the sweet-heart. I pitched more straw against the North wall and she strutted about. – Came back to la cage to find the 3 at table. Bob’s peeling eggs now. And the day is rolling along. – I’m going out to the Internet to use the cold as a sales pitch. – Oh… had to re-install Opera yesterday… FUCKED MY BOOKMARKS! I NEED TO BACK THEM UP MOR FREQUENTLY! Live and learn. – Time for a green tea and… the day. – 20.24 and getting ready to call this night “DEEP FREEZE”!
Yes… Tomorrow’s HIGH temperature: MINUS 4°F. Right now, at 8:30pm, we’re at minus 13°F, wind-chill: minus 30°F.
21.42 Just in from a smoke and hauling another bag of pellets. Bob is in the parlour with their Gary and Lyle… nekkid. And I’ve got the plastic down over the one window… Mt. Washington NH reported -79°F wind-chills. Yes… I’ve always said: February is going to be THE month. – I need to get over to Jacquie’s EARLY and keep the stove fired! –

Sun.14.Feb: 5.41
DREAM:
2 “young” friends (TJ and Billy from The City back when?)
We have that date with “Harry”
“You have …..phobia, a debilitating hatred for a town you’re not from, and it’s ruining your life so we made an appointment for you to see a ‘friend’ of ours who can help you.”
Against my will and behind my back? I’ll NOT go!
(I had MILES to cover and luggage and had to figure what to take and what not and it was already the middle of the night and I’d not get any sleep. But I was NOT going to go to some shit-fucker for “help” with something that wasn’t an “issue” and THEY didn’t know what the fuck they were talking about.

Météo reporting a mere -17° this morning BUT… time to get to Jacquie’s! – 8.38 WELL! The stove got cleaned and re-started. Mme. Blanche-Noire got her fresh water, the sweet-heart. She’s OK… much to my amazement and relief. The kitchen floor got damp-mopped and cleaned and the kitchen table got a good cleaning. Hallie got fed and fresh water. And 2,5hours later, the sun is up in a clear sky, the barn thermo reads -20F. Bob is in the kitchen, naked, making breakfast (the pork sausage is frying and stinks to high-shit), their Gary is at table with coffee. We had a chat when I came in. I’ve a hot coffee in a cold 20° room (the cold is coming through the walls). And I’m going to NAP! in a few moments. I’ve put in quite the morning already. – And… I have to add… it feels delightful to have done so. – I did manage to get a “nap” in for almost 4 hours during the day. – The house is so quiet… they took Gary back to Winooski whilst I napped! Can’t complain about that. And when I woke, I even got a little boot time in for me, albeit ever so really rather quick. Must’ve been over-due. I’d wanted to shower after, but didn’t. – Oh, and when I went to use the loo? SOMEBODY broke the flush handle on the toilet. I DO wish I knew how to repair it but I have to wonder HOW that managed to get broken. – At about 14.00 I went over to stoke the stove and Jacquie’s… she was home already! I thought she’d be back late today but she says that’s to be next week. Oh well.. stayed to chat until about 16.00 and came back to la cage just as B&L had returned. So much for showers and the likes. – This evening was rather fun: Went back to Jacquie’s for dinner at about 18.15. Pam, Dave and Jes were already there. Dinner was quite nice. I don’t see why B&L don’t get along with these people but then again… I suppose I might. (“Out of our league…” as Bob says.) Anyway, it was AMAZING to chat with Pam about “Journal Days”. And yes… she DID read it! In fact, it was fun talking with her about the guys… almost as if she knew them! She was truly impressed with the book AND, as has already been said, she wants the “follow-up”… “what happened when you got to Vermont?!?” (Eduardo said the same thing so I suppose there’s another book coming. Who knows? I won’t become filthy right in a moment’s time, but I WILL become a “Writer” up here… in the North Country… IF I get my shit together properly.) – Well! They all left and I lingered until about 22.30 and came back to la cage where I got into chatting with Lyle until almost mid-night. We CAN get into our chats… – And now… Now?… Sunday is done and gone… the week-end is done and gone… and tomorrow? It’s Monday again… BFD, etc.

Mon.15.Feb: 9.05 Slept in. Would like to sleep MORE! Still -2°. Bob’s off from work today because of the “Presidents’ Day”. I’m tired. Need to get yesterday on the journal. But the day is “on”.
24.48 Text edit on BSB done! (Missing some pages again! I see the “Trilogy” piece I’d written in the note book is no-where to be found! I’m fucking ripped with being pissed. All I asked for was “intervention”… a fucking telephone call. Right… “BFF” Best Friends Forever… just like “Family is so important”. BULLSHIT!)- Well… that pretty much sums up the day… working on the book. But at least when it’s done, it will be DONE this time and the “thanks” to those who were thanked before are gone! – I’m TIRED!!! (Gee… I wonder why… and MUST be awake when Bob leaves for work… in a matter of hours.)

Tue.16.Feb: 7.49 Slept after the alarms this morning. Up from smoke. 29°F on the thermo. Wet snow all round. And it feels “comfortable”. Imagine that. – It’s 1.22 on Wednesday morning… and I’VE FINISHED “BITTER-SWEET BITTERNESS” the way I wanted it in the first place! – (2.54 on Wednesday morning.) Well, the day was interesting to say the least I suppose, as days in this town go. I’M REGISTERED TO VOTE AGAIN! I will NOT see the Dems get into that White House! And voting would be the only way that I can say that I did my part. The registration was simple: fill out a form and bring it in, make a little “oath” and done. Now, on Tuesday, 1 March, I get to cast my vote in the Primaries. Woohoo BFD. Let’s see how this all works out. I had to put this address on the form and I’m not happy about that at all. But… fuck me. (Especially now that the Journal is published. I don’t care any more.) – Spent most of the day working on the book and a break of about 3 hours at Jacquie’s piddling over her dish-washer that now won’t stop running with the hot water. I have to get back under the kitchen now to reverse the pipe heater. How charming. But I’ll get to it. Of course I will. – She’s going away for 2 weeks come Monday. I think she’s going to let me drive her down and pick her up. I can get some food with the truck (I hope). – Got to share a ham steak with B&L this evening. I happened to pass to go for a smoke and got snatched. – Then, a strange movie, filmed in Montréal, about Gay hooker/crack heads. In French, sub-titled. Very “French” genre. Oh well. – Weather was bizarre today. Snow in the morning that turned to slush and a high temperature of about 50F! Rain. Snow’s gone again. And then back to chilly. February. Can’t figure it. Oh well… it was a day… a PRODUCTIVE day too!

Wed.17.Feb: 2.51 PUBLISHED! BACKED-UP! BITTER-SWEET BITTERNESS IS DONE! COMPLETE! AVAILABLE. OUT. GONE! FINISHED! And I’m going to be SO sorry in a few hours when I should be waking up and not wanting to. Jacquie said something about going up to Noyan today. I don’t much think I’m going to make this trip. Hmmm…. But… PROMISE KEPT! DONE! FINISHED! THREE BOOKS OUT THERE! BUT THE JOURNAL AS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE FIRST PLACE IS DONE. How I wish I could get a hold of the guys from the Shelter and send them a copy. Funny too, that the house is so quiet and nobody knows. Not that anybody would make much of it. BUT IT’S DONE! I CAN DIE NOW. – Chilly out there again right now. From warm to cold again. But it’s 24° in the room.. and I need to NAP! – Rather thrilled about the boo though. And I have to catch up with this journal. Now I see how important journals can be! – Time to work on the “vermont days” next. Thinking: short stories of the highlights. Could be fun… and revealing. Will name names too. – 9.08 Coffee. Smoke. Chat with Lyle who is awake because at about 8.00 he fell out of bed! Of all the days. I slept through FOUR alarms this morning, waking at about 8.00! (But of course, Bob rang and Lyle had to tell him that I didn’t hear him fall out of bed. Oh well. Of ALL the days.) – I doubt I’ll be rolling up to Noyan today. Although not feeling too terrible, I don’t feel “up” to travel. So… And this morning, I actually started the “vermont stories”. opening paragraph, but it’s a start. – Now to catch up with days missed on this journal and see where it takes us from here. – Bitter-sweet Bitterness is on the air. – Day’s end… No, we didn’t go to Noyan today. Not that I regret it, actually. I need to get to the market for coffee and such instead. But I used Lyle as my ticket out of that voyage… since he fell out of bed this morning… I “had” to be at the house to make certain all was well… I’m such a “caring and compassionate” person… Fuck me.

Thu.18.Feb: 10.00 JUST up from first smoke! Oh yeah… slept through. Turned the alarms off this morning and went right back to sleep. And… don’t much care. There’s a sink full of dishes and wood to be hauled. And I’ll get to it. Things, chores, to be done. I’ll get to them. And then 2 weeks of back and forth. And I’m almost out of cash. Oh well. “Hard time, they are a-comin’”. I suppose they’re due… again. – 16.51 The dishes are done, the wood is stacked, the stove is shoveled, Mme. BN is attended, the floors are swept and Jacquie’s laundry is washing, 11 more bags of pellets are stacked on the porch and I’m having a tea. Was invited to dine, spaghetti and sauce, and declined for tea. “I’ll put the water on.” said Lyle. “I’ve got it all set-up already.” said I, as I came in from pellets. And here I am, at the desk, water on the boil, and looking at 2 hours from now to head back to Jacquie’s, for dining with Ms. Hallie… in peace, I should hope. – 19.59 It’s not really “funny” but it is rather strange when I think of how clean I’d always been, most of my life/existence, and in the past several years how, when I take my shoes off and get ready for bed, I actually almost “offend” myself with the odour. Just like “an old man” these days. Horrible to think. – Well, Jacquie’s is all caught-up. Even her laundry is done. Of course, all I can think of is that she’ll have Sunday after-noon until Monday morning to turn the place up-side down again and I’ve no doubt she will. Oh well. And I wonder, since Kerry and Jes will both be “residing” in town next week, will Kerry be by to take Hallie out for any walks. I doubt that very much. But if she does, she’ll see what that house could look like and what a job I do to maintain it over there. (It would be nice if I could line-up some house-cleaning jobs around town but…) – Meanwhile, I’m on the bed in jammies, Lyle is in front of the TV, Bob is doing some kind of work on the car stereo. (The Subaru is still quite frozen… Maybe, if I get to keep the truck this week, I’ll be able to give it a jolt and get it running again?) – Things… just general shit. – And on this note, my peppermint tea is steeping, the room is taking on a chill, the dogs went out when I got back in from Hallie, about 20 minutes ago… poor things… they hit the back yard and PEED in emergency. The other 2 in this house? I leave that to Karma.

Fri.19.Feb: 5.36 Last smoke was at 22.00 last night, I did a wee bit of soc.med so I must have been IN bed by about 22.30… and was awake again at 1.05 this morning. But I looked at the time and went back to sleep. Had a terrible dream at one point, I don’t recall what it was, but it was disturbing because I remember waking in a terrible state of anxiety and dread.. and drifted back to sleep until 5.10. Bob left at about 5.15 or so and… Friday begins. I’m rested, for now. And satisfied with being awake at this hour. – Friday… commences. – 12.34 MY laundry is done and Jacquie’s is in the washer and just now I see Kerry walking Hallie down the road… on a lead. Well… I knew she’d be pulling this shit. Oh well… none of my business. Jacquie’s wash is in the machine, not mine. At least I managed to get the dog fed and walked and the chicken watered and fed… the house is ALL in order, complete with a week’s worth of wood stacked in the kitchen. No doubt there’ll be SOMETHING un-kind to be said but… FUKKEMALL. – 15.18 WELL! I worked on the “buttons” for the Author WP blog and got them done and took a 30-min nap. Took Dixie out for a ‘moke and tried to get the new buttons onto the blog and…. apparently something’s amiss with the DNS server… again. Nothing that I can do about it now so, it appears that I will have time to toddle over to Jacquie’s in a few moments. What I’ll do there is anybody’s guess at this juncture. There’s laundry to be put into the dryer. But…. And I do suppose I could use this time to work on the “new” book… I’m thinking short stories. Something along the lines of “Good-night Bellevue Good-morning Burlington” or “Bonne Nuit Bellevue Bonjour Burlington” or “Good-night Bellevue, Bonjour Burlington” or maybe even something like “JFK-BTV”. Anyway, the short-stories format stays. But… I need access to the on-line journal for LoupNordique… or… I’ll need to convert the XML files to HTML so I can read them. Oh well… NEVER let it be said that my life is easy. – Meanwhile, it’s almost 15.30 and Lyle’s asleep in the parlour… dinner’s not being started and Bob is due in soon. I wonder… But I’ll escape. – Well it got to be midnight again. No tea tonight and no beer. Just not in the mood for either, really. – Hallie had dinner at about 19.00 and so did I. And I showered… at Jacquie’s. The only bed linens that got washed were the pillow cases. The rest? The sheets didn’t seem to need washing. I got my clothes washed and that was important and done. Dinner was the 3 chicken patties, with the P’tit Quebec cheese on the miserable “Kaiser” rolls. Oh how nice it would be to have “real Kaiser rolls” again. But… Not here, not now. – OH! I weighed me at Jacquie’s: 175,9lbs! Almost 21lbs MORE than I’ve EVER weighed for most of my life-time! I wonder where THAT’S coming from. I do wonder. But it sort of explains my general “run-down” feeling. I’m carrying 21lbs about. Hey! My “me” isn’t used to that. Oh well, OK then. – Posted the “Journal Days” to all the soc.med. with a link to that song “Homeless”. Now I’ve got to see about getting it the promo posted to else-where… this “promo” work is the hardest. – Well… here comes the week-end… and the hope that Jacquie will leave SOME cash… she’ll be gone for 2 weeks… and I’m almost out. I have to check the CIBC account… and hope. Here I am… again… right where I’ve always been… only now… 700 miles away from where I used to be.

Sat.20.Feb: 8.21 Just up… and just up from a smoke. And the thermo reads about 40°F. Last night’s snow even looks wet and heavy. And there’s just a little bit of time left before… RUN! I wonder what it would be like to simply not have to “do” something in the morning… to be able to just lay in bed for a while… or even through the morning. I wonder. – The day? Well… it truly was rather a “lazy” one. SO much had been done at Jacquie’s on Thursday so there was nothing much to be done today. Hallie and Mme.BN got their breakfast and water and I put the old t-shirts from the washer into the dryer. 4 of 6 came out rather clean enough to be worn. Not bad. I had 2 rolls with butter and then back to la cage for the day… and I mean… for the day. At one point I believe I saw Kerry heading to Jacquie’s with 3 young folks so I didn’t rush through the day. – This evening, I got invited to dine on fried chicken and chips with B&L. Good thing too… saved me some food shopping which I didn’t want to do at the store. And it was filling! Pleasant enough dining with them, but I sit in the freak’s place and that makes me a bit on the “off”. Still dinner was quick, filling and good. – After, I headed back to Jacquie’s where there was a note from Kerry inviting me up at 19.30 for drinks and snacks. They have a “Celtic” group of musicians from Ottawa there. I didn’t go. – A bit of light snow again tonight. – Hallie fed and we went twice round the house. I stopped at the PO. A “reminder” for the box rent. Oh well. I hope Jacquie can see her way clear to some money before he leaves… I need smokes too. Hard times coming? – I was back at la cage by about 19.45. B&L already to bed. – I worked on putting the “Journal Days” on another promo site with bio and excerpt and then hit Twtr where… BOSTONHOMELESS! HEY! He’s in RI these days and having cash-flow troubles and heating expenses. Somebody “another homeless friend” has died and he wants to get to Boston for the funeral. Ah… we go from the Hell of Homelessness into the misery of domiciled… it never ends. “Life” is a pile of total shit. But it was good to see him still on Twitter. I posted “nyc8539266 pillows & PopTarts”. I wonder if he’ll remember. – LATE LATE LATE to sleep! Mid-night again! Fuck me!

Sun.21.Feb: 11.05 The farm is fed and watered and the fire is up in the stove. Jacquie won’t be back until 18.00 and there’s a light and very wet snow falling. B&L are having Maypo in the kitchen and me? Green tea steeping. The Sunless Sunday commences. – I woke at 8.15 from a horrid DREAM:
Had sister with me in Montréal, dreary sort of “Winter” weather. I don’t know why she was there, nor with me. She was visiting. I lived there. She was young, about 10, 11 years and I was in my 30’s or so. We took the Métro for the ride and I decided to get off at the “Montréal” stop on the “Jarry” line. We were heading for my place on Henri-Julien. The “Montréal” station was disgusting, disused. The walls were filthy concrete and the ceilings were un-finished, low, and covered with spider/cob webs! 3 or 4 young kids got off with us. We had to climb through all the webs to get to the street. I commented on how run-down the entire city had become in recent years. On the street, there was snow and slush all round and I thought perhaps we should get back onto the Métro to conitnue our trip but in order to get back, we had to drop down through a puddle of water! 3 young kids simply dropped into the puddle and disappeared into the water. I asked 2 others who were waiting their turn (since the hole was large enough only for 1 person at a time), if the didn’t get soaked when they did that. They all laughed and said that they didn’t. I some-how knew that, once through, the station was dry and so too, were the people who’d gone through. But it was cold and damp and I didn’t want to risk being soaking wet, nor did I want sister to get wet. We decided to walk to Centre City. – Came upon a very, VERY busy intersection. SO many people, all dressed in black, formal attire, were packed all over. So many that they were IN the streets as well as on the pavement. It was after-work “rush hour” in addition to some very popular, formal concert or entertainment of some kind and just about everybody was going to attend. The roads were soft, black tar and slush. Sister and I had to manoeuvre carefully through. – Across the street, the buildings were new, save for across: “Maison” or “Hotel de Dieu”. A hospital. I asked if sister spoke any French and she said she didn’t. I pointed-out the funniness of calling a hospital “House/Hotel of God”. We continued on along. – When we got to Centre City, I remembered I had an appointment for some business and brought sister into the “Underground City” where she’d be out of the weather. I told her to wait for me at what was the down-stairs of Eaton’s and that I’d be back as soon as possible, probably only a few moments. – Very next, I’d been to my appointment and it took MUCH longer than I’d thought. I was in a panic, hoping sister would be where I’d left her BUT I COULDN’T REMEMBER WHERE I’D LEFT HER! So I walked all over through the tunnels! Came to some strange store where there was a little dog going up the stairs into the shoppe via some sort of “ski-lift” cable! I had to use the cable as well but although I could make it quicker, I had to wait for the dog. When we got into the shop, 2 young women, “Goth”, were there commenting on how cute and talented the dog is. All I could think of was my panic about trying to find sister in the city! – In my dream I realised that I was sleeping and that the only way out of the panic was to wake up. But I worried that if I woke up, sister would be lost there forever. – SNAP! INTO ANOTHER DREAM….
Jacquie wasn’t due back until much later in the evening and it was late morning. I was in the barn, or green-house, or a green-house in the barn. Hallie was waiting to be fed. I’d been in the barn to feed the chicken. I got tired and laid down and fallen asleep for quite some time. As I woke, I saw Jacquie through the translucent plastic of the green-house. The sun was shining brightly so that I could see out but she couldn’t see in. I crawled to the little door and waved. She waved back. I tried to cover the fact that I’d been sleeping and cheerfully said that I was surprised to see her so early. She smiled and said that she’d managed to get out of work early and decided to get back to the house to get ready to go away. As I crawled out of the green-house… I woke… disoriented and rather dazed.
Checking the e-mail/messages, Jacquie will be back at about 18.00 so I won’t have to RUN back and forth, save to keep the stove burning, at least to keep out the dampness and the electric heater off. – 11.37 B&L have a new “wax” in the house-scenter. I wonder if there’s to be “company”. – Me? I need a nap! Indeed. – Day’s end here… on Monday morning. – The day went lazily, piddling about on soc.med. and getting MORE music that’s gone missing from the iPod! Back and forth between the 2 houses. At 10.30 I started the wood-stove and damp-mopped the kitchen floor at Jacquie’s. That pretty much covered it all over there. It was a day of not much eating, a bit of an appetite but not much eating. – This evening, I got invited to dinner but managed to dodge it a bit until I had to go back over to Jacquie’s. Bob had made ribs and they’d made me quite a plate-full. When I came back from Jacquie’s at about 18.00, I did, indeed, have the ribs, corn (from the garden) and mashed potatoes. It was, I must say, filling and tasty. (But the pork… ) I worked a bit on getting Skype set on my cell phone to give Jacquie another way to keep in touch. And I did that as I ate. Then, I checked my e-mails: she was home at about 18.30, left a message to come over and so I did, to find out what was to come tomorrow for her trip to the airport. – At Jacquie’s… Well, her flight is in the afternoon, Jess will be taking her there. She filled the tank on the truck and will be leaving it at the house. That’s good. I can get to the market. I’ll be needing coffee and tea, if nothing else. One trip. Done. Fine. (I’d put fire-wood to the side to make stoking the stove easier for her but she used the stacked. I’ll never understand… But there’s still enough to re-stack and she said that if I spend any time over there to use the wood, to keep the place warm and such.) I had a beer with her and we talked about her week-end. It was about 21.30 when I left. (No offer of money for the coming 2 weeks. I can’t help but think: she’s got credit cards to shop with when she’s away. But… I know I shouldn’t think of such things. Why? Well, truth is: sure I should think of such things. But the money is something SHE chose to do. It’s been quite the blessing to me all along and yes, sooner or later it will have to end. I’m sure. And so it probably has… or has been postponed. I thought, this evening: this isn’t the first time. It most certainly isn’t.) – When I got back to la cage, Bob had gone to bed, Lyle was sitting in the parlour, bleeding! He’d picked a scab on his shin (as he’ll pick scabs any-where because that’s what he does) and the blood trickled all over! Rather profusely. My first response was to “do” something, but with the Hep and who-knows-what else might… no, I didn’t. I brought him paper towels and he cleaned the spills on the carpet and we chatted about music and such. Ah… when, at about mid-night, I was ready to come up to the room, again he told me that he enjoys our chats. We ARE, pretty much, from the same generation, can talk about the same past, music, and such. Bob is at a loss there. But I keep thinking: THEY got married soon and quickly. This is none of my business and there’s nothing I can “do” about it all. – Back in the room, a peppermint tea and a quick run through the soc.med. – I’d been prepared to get to bed and hopefully to sleep by 22.00… by the time I laid down to “sleep” it was already well past mind-night… WELL past. I left the light on in the hopes of not sleeping too deeply nor too late. I’m off the hook with the trip to the airport tomorrow, but I don’t want to sleep until 9.00! – The day… is done and the next is beginning.

Mon.22.Feb: 7.22 I woke, with the over-bed light on form last night, to something that sounded like Lyle calling me. What it was… one of the dog’s has puked, right out-side the door to the room! OK. At least Lyle’s OK. Had my coffee, went down for my smoke, and last night’s dinner KICKED! Had to hurry up to the loo. And, to make Monday much better, I’m running down on smokes and there’s 30US in the account. 30 due on the PO box, 10 per pack of smokes. I’m in a state this morning. Monday. And 2 weeks of 2 houses. I wonder: the vitamins, the cold remedies, no cash? The car. The smokes. The PO Box. I need a fucking job! I need to make more book sales! I’m awake on a 20°F morning, and I’m a physical mess this morning. How lovely. – There’s white pepper on the carpet out-side the door again and now I have to think of how to clean the carpet. Imagine… *I* have no pets… and yet… “pets” are my “occupation”… good and bad. – 7.45 My guts are churning, Ellie just let out a bark and I open the door to see that the light is on in the loo… Lyle is awake, upstairs, in the loo. I’m rather trapped, as it were, if I need the toilet (and I probably will). Not to mention: he’s not “clean” about using the toilet, and the pepper on the carpet, and… OH! This is starting out as a “Monday”… if there’s any shit that can go shitty, it’s already beginning. Monday… “Shoot Me Now” Monday. – 22.11 Went over to Jacquie’s at about 11.00 and she was faxing her “Last Will” and wanted me to sign as witness with Jess. Ca se peut tu? Of course I did but she’d modified the document and the atty. said it had to be re-typed. So I did that too. Now I and Jess have to re-sign. But that’s OK and fine. – Poor woman. She SO NEEDS to get away and was all prepped for when Jess came and got her. – I have to admit, it was rather wrenching for me when I got back to la cage though. She truly is the only “friend’ I have in this state now and she’s gone for 2 weeks. Oh well. – She left the truck and 90 for me which was a relief. I got a pack of smokes today and now I can disappear and get provisions! COFFEE and teas especially. That’s good! But still, it’s strange. Oh well… the 2 weeks will pass quickly I’m sure. – This evening, I went to see Hallie and put more wood on the fire. Hot embers will keep a bit of heat in the house. The fore-cast for the middle of the week through Monday is SNOW! MUCH SNOW! So I won’t burn until necessary. There’s wood… Jacquie said to stay there if it gets too cold in the room and to burn whilst I’m there but… she’ll need a fire when she gets back, I’m sure. It was 70°F in Tampa when I looked at 20.30. – Well… may she have a perfect holiday down there. Please. – Dined with B&L this evening. Half a turkey sub. Delicious as it is. Truly. And I do appreciate that they think of me. It truly is kind. Earlier I chatted with Lyle, before Bob came in from work and we spoke on how much I actually do over at Jacquie’s and how thankful and appreciative she is. MAYBE they’ll appreciate my presence a little more? I doubt it, but you know, I have to admit: they’ve said nothing about me being here… relatively free… for almost a whole fucking year. Then again, I don’t really cost them anything… I’m not even heating the room this Winter so… – BUT I NEED TO GET BACK TO WORK! SHIT! THIS IS DRIIVNG ME INSANE! – OH…. OH… OH… BUT… I GOT A “PROMO COPY” OF “JOURNAL DAYS” ON THE WP BLOG TODAY! PEOPLE CAN NOW PREVIEW 30 PAGES ON THE BLOG! I DON’T KNOW WHY I DIDN’T THINK OF IT BEFORE! CLICK AND THERE’S THE PDF! AND OF COURSE, IT WENT TO THE SOC.MEDS. I HOPE… *HOPE* IT PICKS UP SALES! BUT HOW WONDERFUL TO HAVE IT OUT THERE… AND NOT AT SOME “PAY FOR PROMO” SITE! YAY! – On that note, 22.21 and I’m in the bed and ready for a hopefully silent night of good sleep. I want to be to Hallie and Mme. Blanche-Noire tomorrow MORNING! – It’s COLD out there again tonight. The “warmer” weather is coming… but bringing the snow. Oh well… It’s still Winter… and I’m still in “The North Country”.

Tue.23.Feb:7.31 NOT liking this at all because I”m sleeping through alarms! I mean.. SLEEPING THROUGH them! OK. Didn’t get to sleep until mid-night but…. And feeling woozy and shitty this morning. Oh well. – 19.42 Well… another day gone and done. – Today, I managed to truly CLEAN the wood-stove! Cleaned the “catalytic combustorer” thing on it too! What a mess that thing was. When I chatted with Jacquie, after the fact, she admitted that it hadn’t been looked at in “years”. Well. It’s clean now. All told, I was at the house from 9.30-11.45, and most of that time was cleaning the wood-stove. (No shower tonight though. I’m not that dirty… and I’m not even in the mood.) – Came back to la cage for the rest of the day and aside from a 30-minute “half-doze” nap, I really can’t say WHAT the actual fuck I did with the day aside from putting the “Holidays” onto the new computer calendar. It depresses me to think that even my calendar books are gone. So much… of what was my “existence” is gone now. And with Jacquie being in Florida… but that gets even WORSE… – This evening though, Bob came, got Lyle and they drove off. (Went to Walmart.) At about 17.30 I went over to the house, brought my P’tit Québec cheese over and took some “old” cheese from the fridge. Grilled cheese on those shit-rolls x 2. Honestly, I wonder where 22lbs are coming from. I’m not eating very much these days at all but there’s the weight. – OK… so… whilst at the house, curiosity got me. Jacquie’s in Bradenton (Bruce), just up the coast from Rhiney… or so I thought. So I started getting nosey. Rhiney is now in some town called “Mt. Dora” (Dorothy was in Doraville GA), which is not to far from Umatilla… Nancy L.! Looking at the fucking map of Florida was enough to make me sick! Bradenton, Siesta Key (where Rhiney took me swimming “with the rays”), Nokomis (oh, he’s “retired” these days), Naples, Venice, (Eleonore, etc.), Umatilla, Boca Raton. Anyway, looking at Mt. Dora was rather sickening too. Lakes… obviously man-made… FLAT!!!… sand, sand, and more sand… palm trees and Rhiney’s with some Italian now in a 1-storey, pale yellow house… and still FAT! A “newsletter” from some group they’re in showed that they’re active in Gay social. And… ALL: old-looking and quite fat, sitting on a lanai, pool-side and.. eating. Honestly! Well, I got to thinking: At my age, I’m being FORCED into retirement! And I won’t get nearly enough to “exist” on… IF I get anything at all because there’s a rumour that student loans take from Social Security first. So if THAT’S what the taxes are going to… I won’t get anything until well after I’m dead. My “pension” has about 300$ in it. I NEED to make an income some-how. The book isn’t going to do it. Not with the shits who won’t even bother to help promote it. So, needless to say I suppose, I’m spiralling into a bit of a depression tonight. – It’s 19.55 right now… Honestly? If I had the what-it-takes… and didn’t have to think about Hallie… KABOOM… CHECK-OUT! Hey! Maybe 15 March THIS year? That wouldn’t be too bad. I think I’ll have to plan on that and see to it that all goes as it should. It really IS time to go. – But one thing: Here I am, up here, in The North Country where I’ve wanted to be, and I’m out there, in the night, with Hallie. I’m in a flannel shirt and fleece zip, fluffy jacket, cap and gloves. There “they” are.. family and “friend”, in warmer climate, never having to really think about being actually “cold”. R’s got a nice little house with an “S/O”, getting fatter, and here I am… in this old house that I can’t call “home”… and that old house that I can’t call “home”… and I’m “with” me. Yeah… tie to check-the-actual-fuck out of this shit. Raise a bit of Hell and go. – Meanwhile for the moment… time to send “Evening Report” and see about trying to get to sleep early enough to wake early enough. Tomorrow, I have to put my garbage out and Jacquie’s too. Just the “little” things that I “need” to do… for a while longer.

Wed.24.Feb: TRASH DAY!!!!!- 1.00 EXACTLY! SO much for another “early to bed” night. But I noticed that the “freado” link on the blog was wrong, “bookbuzzr” had to be added, the coding on WordPress is enough to drive anybody completely insane and the “help” forums are hosted by the terminally obtuse. I had to SEARCH for ways to code so that the icons would line-up. THEN came taking away the table borders. THEN the little descriptions under the icons would align so I had to add text and change the font colour. What a fucking pain in the arse! NEXT came the postings to all of the social media, trying to draw more attention to the book. AND “Wirters.net” included my bio so I had to add them to the “on-line” page. WELL! That’s all I’ve been doing… ALL NIGHT! And now? I’m wondering if I should TRY and HOPE to wake from a “NAP”! Because I don’t have but some few hours to go until I have to be awake and moving. And to think… there are some who would think me lazy. Oh well… at least it’s not that I’m not trying. And now I have… HAVE to get the short stories started and running! Yes… me… lazy. – And I’m just up from another smoke and there’s a light, freezing rain falling. What a morning! What a day! What a night! WHAT THE FUCK? – 8.45 Exactly. My garbage is out. Jackie’s garbage is out. Ms. Hallie has been out and fed. Mme. Blanche-Noire has food and fresh water. Jacquie’s back steps are swept and paths to the barn and street are cleared. The back porch and pavement are cleared at la cage. And Ms. Dixie and I played in the snow already. Me? I’m in a total sweat already. A bit of laundry and a shower in the day? That would be nice. (Guarantee it won’t happen, that.) – 10.15 I can’t seem to shake the chills, was hoping for a bit of peace (HAAHAHAHAHAH!!!) and moments ago, Princess gets up and calls to ask “The next time you go to Hallie, could you clean the dish off?” Meanwhile, the house is chilled, I suspect the stove is out. And if that’s the case, I’ll be over at Jacquie’s, stove a-blaze, and there’ll be work done on the next book today. The snow has changed to a light drizzle, as forecast. And oh… yes… the trash barrels are in and the bloody dish is cleared. (I forgot to note earlier: the 4 bags of pellets from the porch have been replaced already this morning as well.) None of this would bother me so much were it not for the fact: Princess will do NOTHING. I don’t mind “doing”. But this, what I call “Bernie” bulls-shit of “entitlement”, sitting back and truly expecting everything to be done “FOR”, sickens me. – I’m also hungry and I left my bread over at Jacquie’s. I didn’t want to, but I do believe I’ll be going to the store for something and heading back to Jacquie’s… shortly. – 14.10 I’m just up from a 2-hours “nap” BUT….
THAT FUCKING BLOODY PIG-SHIT-BASTARD-FAGGOT IS JUST NOW GETTING BREAKFAST FOR THE DOGS! IT’S BEEN UP ALL FUCKING DAY, FUCKING WITH THE SOUND EQUIPMENT (got it on “Surround” now, with the ‘buzzzzzzz’ feed-back shit again) AND JUST NOW GETS THEIR FOOD! FUUUUUUK! I thought, just before getting up from my nap: if s/he keeps fucking with the sound equipment, there’s a “risk of electric shock” coming. Me? Let the fucker get zapped. No sympathy here. – Now… to see if I can’t focus long enough for more work on the short stories. – The snows turned to rain meanwhile… the pavement is rather clear… and the plow just went by. Oh… and 19° in the room. I’ll be heading over to Jacquie’s soon. – 23.16 Much later than I’d wanted to be awake, but time to finish this day, wrap it up and TRY for some SLEEP! – At about 15.00 or so, I got a message from Jacquie: She’d given her Liz a wheel chair because poor Liz fell and injured herself quite a bit, but she didn’t give her the foot-rests that go with the chair. Liz has a funeral to attend on the week-end an… would I mind bringing the foot-rests over to her? AND… she said, “you might need something in Enosburg.” Yes indeed, I DO need something in Enosburg and was contemplating going on Tuesday if/when the next FS are posted. I need coffee and creamer in particular, and tea as well, some munchies and perhaps some “provisions”. Well… now I have permission! Indeed! So I got me together and by about 15.30 toddled over to the house where I found the foot-rests AND, put a fire in the stove to take the damp chill out of the house (and to test the clean stove to see how it burns, now that it’s cleaned). WELL! Yes, oh yes, I did… I brought the foot-rests to Liz, left them on her front porch as Jacquie instructed and headed into Hannaford’s where, for only 84$ I managed another 4 coffees, a creamer, 2 boxes of breakfast cereal, licorice teas, Earl Grey, that “Apple Cider” packettes, AND… cream cheese, ICE CREAM, 2 packages of franks and 4 little pot pies! I have a fridge for a week! What a shame that I have no real appetite though. Anyway… I realised just now that I forgot to get the tinned soups and such, but there’s still quite a bit on the card and good enough weather to take the truck out again so…. FOOD! On the way back, I stopped at the Mobile in Enosburg for a pack of 10,41$ smokes! Imagine… MORE expensive THERE than next door! 63 cents MORE! Good to know. And, back to the house to un-load the perishables, attend to Ms. Hallie and m’self for dinner. – Whilst there, Liz rang and we chatted. Poor woman, life is beating her, as it tends to do with us all. And she gave me the particulars of the incident with her “cousine” in Bedford. AWFUL! The truck knocked her down, front bumper, in the cross-walk and when it finally stopped, it had run her over completely… everything except her head. Well, all I can think of is: she didn’t suffer. When my time comes… I’d like it to be as quick. And too, Liz mentioned how miserable the past 25 years have been for Jacquie. Seems Cecil was terribly, TERRIBLY UN-KIND to her! It’s rather amazing how much people are willing to tell about him. As Liz tells: When he was good to her, he was exceptionally good, but for the rest, he was incredibly miserable. AND… Liz tells me that she’s (Jacquie) so very happy that I’m here and that I’ve been such a wonderful help. I can’t but think of all the “patients” I took care of in NY… ESPCIALLY GUADAGNO AND ESTREMO, giving my all and being stabbed in the back. And Tretter bitching because I “came early and left late”… free time, free help… and stabbed in the back. Fuck them… and today… too… I think of Danielle’s words: “It’s a shame because the ones who suffer are the ones who really do appreciate”. Oh well… this situation is beneficial to all… for the time. – Well then… I was back at la cage by 20.00 to find the two of them as they are: lounging in front of the TV. I chatted nice-nice, let them have a hear of the recording I did of the water tapping on the plastic bucket at Jacquie’s. It truly does sound as if it had been orchestrated. And then up to the room for tea and un-winding. – And now, at this hour, the television in booming in the parlour, the Internet speed is down to…. SEVEN mbps… that’s right… SEVEN!and I’m just annoyed to all Hell. Mostly about the fucking TV. Fucking princess… not to mention the total disregard for everybody else in the world in general. But, in my old age I’m learning: I do what I must for ME. As ’tis said: When we treat others as they treat us, they think we’re either angry with them or that we’re simply shits. – Day…. done!

Thu.25.Feb: 6.21 And YES! Although not 5.45, I am up and have slept. How charmingly wonderful to be awake before 9.00! And the thermo on the wood-shed reads 40°F. There’s a fog in the back yard, with the rain and some wind. And it’s almost light. Spring is on the way. Now let’s see what can fuck THIS day up… Shall we then? – Thursday, and the “normal week-end” commences. Same as has been the past 2 days, but now it’s the “regularly scheduled” business. I have to think about laundry and such. But… here we go. – 6.51 Princess is up-stairs this morning. How awful… and has used the loo… pissy seat there. Hopefully it will simply go back to sleep. – No trouble, really. I’m thinking of spending the day at Jacquie’s anyway… laundry and book. Such a shame I really can’t bring Dixie with me. But she tends to take Hallie’s things and if I’m going to work on the book, I won’t have the time for “adjustments” and the likes. Oh well… we’ll see how this day rolls. – I need to get water for coffee… and princess is up here. SHIT! – 21.15 very charming, this shit… I’m in the middle of Twtr and there’s NO internet now! NOT bad enough a signal of 7 mbps last night. Tonight… it goes dead! Well SHIT! Lyle says they moved the router again… Nope… I don’t know what the fuck is going on but this shit’s not going to fly. I can’t check word spellings or such things as I write. Now I’m going to have to go to Jacquie’s or the library. Oh well… planning on spending the day over there tomorrow anyway… Friday. – This evening though I got a half sub for dinner and we ate and watched a movie until almost 19.00! Lyle said he enjoyed the time together. – It’s snowing… again… SNOWING! All the grass and such is covered. We had a lovely “Spring Day” for all of 45 minutes and then rain all day. Oh well… as I say… it’s still February. – Well, maybe this internet shit will get me to bed on time. I’d like to get an earl start tomorrow… and get some more writing done! I WAS on a roll for a while but… Shit happens. – 23.34 TV’s UP! Planning on a full day at Jacquie’s tomorrow. Including a nice nap. This bull-shit is just too much. (This evening, Bob came to the room when he got in from work to ask if I was terribly busy and would I mind if he played his music! Imagine? Meanwhile, Princess doesn’t even give a shit about anybody but Princess.)

Fri.26.Feb: 6.08 YES! Awake! And starting the day with some incredible “pressure” in the chest this morning. 20°F on the wood-shed thermo. Wind! Snow drifts. And plans for the day. Shovel. Write. Jacquie’s. Laundry. Plans. – And this morning I wonder about the interesting little bit about how we accumulate so much learning over the course of a life-time and when it gets to a point where we’re stuffed with knowledge and learning and memories… we die, and all of that shit is useless, gone. And it seems that it’s all of that shit and clutter that keeps us hanging on. An urge to pass it along, to leave it behind. The knowledge and the memories. As if we suddenly realise that it was all such a waste and does us and nobody else any real good. And this year is the Presidential election and the candidates slash (verbally, albeit) each-other. The voices of the people slash at one another For what? Really, for what? Nothing. War? Killing because one doesn’t believe as the other does? Land? Must have ALL of the land? “Global domination”? Honestly. What in Hell is the bother? To “dominate”? Seriously? And then to die. What a fucking joke. To place a value on somebody because of their productivity not for themselves, but for others. Not by what they do FOR others who truly are in need, but by what they produce for others who don’t matter at all. And then die. And it’s all worthless anyway. Oh well. Such are the thoughts of early morn. – But there’s a bit of day-light out there already, enough to “work” in… shoveling the snow away… to have it blown back or to fall again. – Good morning. – Let’s see if I can get a signal on the internet this morning. It’s going to be a “silent” day for me, unless I can set something up at Jacquie’s. Oh well… again. – 12.19 AND… the bed linens are dried and folded, the “darks” are in the washer. The back and front of the “Princess Palace” are shoveled, so too, the back walk and paths at Jacquie’s. Hallie and Mme. Blanche-Noire have been attended. The floors are swept and there’s a nice fire in the wood stove. I’ve had my 2 rolls with creme cheese and honey, and am having a nice hot tea, in my nice clean mug. And to be quite honest, I’m rather ready for a nice nap. But I shan’t be doing that because I’ll bring the laundry back to la cage and then return to cut hair. I’ve brought my lap-top over to Jacquie’s today in the hope of writing something of worth during the day. I don’t know if I will, but even so, I can. Oh, and I went to the store for smokes, rolls, half’n’half for cereal and 2 bottles of tonic. Quite the morning. I was out of la cage by 9.30. “Accomplished”. – But poor Jacquie. Received a message from her. Seems she’s lounging and bored already. Oh well… c’est la vacance. – 19.33 (Mama) Back at la cage… showered, shaved, HAIR-CUT (though not a very good one because a.The clippers are already going on the shit… I just bought them at Macy’s when I got to this shit-hole state and b.My hair is so sparse that there’s really nothing there to cut well), AND ALL of the laundry is done! I had 3 franks and some ice cream for dinner at about 16.30 and those dishes are done, and there’s a bit of a fire in the stove at Jacquie’s. Hallie is fed. The girls here have been out (after I came back from going back to Jacquie’s because I remembered that I’d put 2 bottles of tonic in the garage to “chill” but over-night, they’d freeze). Two bags of pellets in the parlour (not in the stove, but in the house). AND I’m having a “Fin du Monde”! I’ve got no room in my gut for it, but I WANT it tonight!
*** NOTE: I WEIGHED ME AT JACQUIE’S RIGHT AFTER HAIR-CUT AND BEFORE SHOWER: 180LBS! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH MY BODY? I’M NOT EATING ALL THAT MUCH BUT THE WEIGHT IS ON! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH MY BODY? ***
OK. For years I’ve wanted to put on some weight, but this is coming TOO quickly! In a matter of about a month or so I’ve put on almost 25lbs! If I’d been eating more I might be able to understand. But I’m NOT eating more. In fact, I’ve been eating LESS… no appetite! I read on-line that “stress” will cause the body to retain calories because it interprets the stress as “starvation” and hoards, shuts metabolism down. Well… maybe that’s it? I don’t now. Jacquie’s Lis (not Liz) said, when we spoke, “Well, you’re living in that Glidden place with….” and I stopped her. BUT, she DID say that she knows that I cover the two houses with the wood and shoveling and such. So she knows I’m not just sitting about. – Anyway… enough of that. I’m in the house alone with the girls this evening. Of course. It’s Bob’s pay-day. I managed to dodge “dinner” by coming back at about 15.00 this after-noon, dropping the laundry and running back saying that I had more laundry to do. (I did… the clothes I wore all day… AND I needed a hair-cut and shower too so). Lyle was putting something together for “dinner”, I didn’t stop to ask, he didn’t offer to tell. The good? The house is calm. The bad? When they get in, all shit will hit the fan. Well, if it gets to be too much, I’ll feign a smoke and head back to Jacquie’s and sleep in the little room. (I noticed that it’s rather chilly in there when there’s no fire in the stove.. and the fire today was, in a clean stove, good for the kitchen and dining room.) Oh well. So ’twill be if so. – Now, to try for the Internet. Ah… 19.48, nothing else on in the house… 14,5Mbps. Bull-shit! On we go… – I have to send report to Jacquie. – 22.45 Report sent. B&L in from shopping. The house is quiet. Princess is watching TV. Lovely time on Twtr. And I’m FINALLY IN BED! This day is done… let SHABBAT begin! I’m going to sleep (I hope).

Sat.27.Feb: 7.29 Sun’s up. I’m up. Feeling weighed down. And pre-occupied with weight-gain and the sort. Another chilled morning. And yes, again, I think: I’d miss these chilly mornings… especially now with all this extra weight that seems to be giving me “insulation”. – Plan for the day? Jacquie’s. Hallie. Wood-stove. Book-writing. And there, I won’t have comfortable access to Internet as a distraction. – 12.40 I have to pop this in here. I’m sitting at the kitchen table, fire in the stove, my jacket in the washers, tea at hand, working on the short for the morning of leaving the shelter to come here and as I type:
“On the first floor I walked past the Operations and security offices, past the DHS (Department of Homeless Services) “police” and, in silence, through the door of what was the original “Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital” and was today, the “Bellevue Men’s Shelter”. I stepped out, into the final NYC morning. I knew where I was, where I was going, how to go… I didn’t care. I couldn’t “care”. That part of me was either carefully packed away… or… shut down. I moved forward… just moved forward. The “end” was beginning. If all plans proceeded orderly, this would be my last New York City morning, the last time I’d tread these sidewalks, wait for these buses and subway trains. And if all proceeded accordingly, at this hour tomorrow, everything I’d known all my life, would be here… and I would be surrounded by unfamiliar terrain, and truly, by complete strangers. THIS, was the quiet literally the “beginning of the end”… my heart and mind shut down and disappeared into some deep recess inside me… to hide, away from “reality”. I could afford to be frightened, anxious, to give second thoughts. I couldn’t afford to think. I could only move… just keep moving… forward… forward… forward.”
on the radio… “Je Ne Regret Rien”.. THAT SONG! (And I ponder: Part of me DOES… and some smaller part of me doesn’t.)
21.14 and the BOOM BOOM BOOM of the bass from the TV down-stairs is exactly like the noise of the trash in NYC! “Princess” my bloody arse! That thing is pure White Trash! No fucking consideration for anybody or any thing other than “self”. Fuck. Probably slept all fucking day too. Well, if it doesn’t stop and I can’t get any rest… I’m off to Jacquie’s for the night. This shit needs to stop. – I was rather “ill” most of the day, stomach troubles and constantly needed to shit. But I spent the entire day at Jacquie’s AND GOT ALMOST ALL OF THE FIRST OF THE SHORT STORIESDONE! “The Flight”… 24 October 2011. It was rather fun and I feel quite good about having gotten so much done! A nice fire in the stove, my tea. Had a little breakfast cereal with half’n’half instead of shitty creamer. 3 franks and the rest of the ice cream for dinner. It was, indeed, “human”. And to think: I’ve another 7 days where I can be “human” like this! And I’m going to use them to their fullest. Indeed. – Well, other than that, report was sent to Jacquie and I’m going to run through the soc.med., have my tea and hope for some sleep tonight. I want to be out and away again tomorrow… all day… more on the book! YAY! – Oh, and I got my jacket washed again today. EVERYTHING’S FRESH AND CLEAN! And I can get to take MORE showers in the next 7 days too! WHOOPIEDOO! – OH! Almost forgot to mention: MORE BLEATING SNOW TONIGHT! It began lightly at about 19.15 and is still coming! The forecast was for a chance of about 1mm. There’s about 4-5cm out there! Early morning shovels again tomorrow. SO thrilling… not. Still, I have to say again: I’ll miss the cold when the weather changes again. – Tomorrow’s forecast is for another 2cm, 10-15cm on Tuesday, 5-10 on Wednesday. Minus temps across the board but no -20’s! So that’s OK.

Sun.28.Feb: 6.06 Last night’s snows have turned to rain and the world is, once again, covered in… “slutch”. I’m up from my smoke in the early morning light. The days are becoming noticeably longer. And I actually miss the morning snap of bitter cold. My body doesn’t feel “awake”, and my sinuses aren’t cleared, as they do in the cold. I dread the coming warmth. Isn’t THAT strange? And this morning? The expense of getting the car back on the road. Rent. And other expenses. 61 years old. A job, or the books(s). Oh well. Can’t have an “anxiety-free” day. – But it’s a nice hour to be awake. And let’s see what we can do with this day. – (Monday morning, 6.13) What we can do with this day? For starters I got to Jacquie’s at about 9.45 after shoveling the sluch from the back porch, along the side of the house and off the walk and front stoop at “la cage”. Then, brought the shovel over to Jacquie’s and cleared the back stoop there, served breakfast to Ms. Hallie and Mme. Blanche-Noire. That done, headed back to la cage where I’d entertained the notion of spending the day. Bob was up… cleaning the large freezer in the kitchen. Princess was awake as well and the two of them were “at it”. Playfully, but. I went to the room to start back on the short stories and, I guess I finished the “arrival” in BTV story. It’s rather done. PJ and I got on the “Circulator”. I’m not too sure where I want to go with this now… individual stories of events and people or a continued story. Probably short stories. I’ve got about 20 of them that I can work. Anyway…. – The TV was going and the house was a-stir. By about noon-ish, I took a “20 minute” and when I woke, had a tea and decided to drop back over to Jacquie’s… with lap-top. Honestly, the relative and general noise of the TV and the “suspense” of not knowing when somebody was going to get nasty… So over I came, Hallie went out for a bit and I got back to working on the book AND on a sheet of some “business cards” for the WP blog. In case anybody asks about the books, I can direct them to the blog and from there they can get the books. How charming? How… indeed. I think I’ll include a copy here, on this journal as well. – So… it got to be about 18.30 and I was looking rather forward to getting to the little room and the bed and blankies. I was quite tired. Hallie had dinner. I’d had my 2 pot pies and some ice cream and was ready to call this a day when….
BRRRRRUMBLE BRRRRRRUMBLE CLUNK CLANG CLAG BRRRRRRRRUMBLE BOOM BOOM! It sounded like somebody’d run into the house with a snow plow! I went toward Jacquie’s bed-room and the floor rumbled! The basement! THE FURNACE! (Which I, being the “New Yorker”, kept referring to as the “boiler”.) Anyway, I went down to the basement and sure enough, the “expansion tank” was rumbling and clanging! Not sure what to do, I headed back up the stairs thinking that perhaps it does this now and again. Well… NOT! 19.00 KAH-BOOM! And the STEAM CAME UP THE STAIRS INTO THE KITCHEN! I cut the power to the furnace from the emergency switch, went down-stairs and noticed the water running out of what should be the “over-flow”, and figured how to cut that off and then… then came the hone calls to… Up-stairs, had to let “them” know about it. Michael mentioned McCuin, so that was fine and I suggested taking the extra heater here, the one Jacquie got from her Maryrose. THEN came the hunting for the phone numbers. I got the emergency number for McCuins… answering service. Andrew rang back. Said that it didn’t seem to be the “expansion tank” BUT… if he were to come tonight to check… 125$/hour! These people are fucking insane! OK? OK! And that’s not to actually replace/repair! Add to that, I tried ringing Jacquie’s cell 3 times… “voice mail” and I sent 2 or 3 “texts” via my e-mail… no replies. Finally, I found her phone/address book and had to hunt through that for “Amie’s” number! Good thing I had the time to rummage through all the “family” names. Well… at last! Got Amie’s number, so I rang that via the “GgleVce” on Jacquie’s lap-top. Voice-mail! I left a message and went to stoke the wood-stove when… Jacquie… via “GgleVce”… on her lap-top! By now it was well past 20.00. SHE suggested/asked that I stay the night just to make certain that all was well in the house over-night. I agreed. (Hey… mini-holiday for me?) As we were talking, Andrew rang back to check if I wanted “emergency” help. Jacquie and I agreed: the temperature was supposed to rise over-night, no fear of freezing plumbing and such and there was no real NEED tonight (and NOT at 125$/hr!) so… I agreed to call McCuin in the morning, Andrew took his night back, and Jacquie and I chatted on the phone for a bit… when I rang her back from the house land-line as I had a beer! – All settled, I took the sleeping bag from the back room, set up the recliner, figured how to watch TV and until about 23.30 watched “Fox”. Started to doze with the TV on but at about mid-night… turned it and the lights out… WELL! It had been a calm week… a nice Winter. NEVER let it be said that “calm” should remain too awfully long. Good thing though that I didn’t make an early night of it… That furnace would have emptied all night and flooded the basement! (Jacquie said she’s grateful and thankful that I’m here to attend the house so that she can travel. Right… How many times have people said that to my face… all the while, twisting the knife in my back as they pour petrol into the open wound?)

Mon.29.Feb: 6.08 Sitting at Jacquie’s kitchen table, having slept the night in the recliner here. Sun’s not up yet. Kailah is out walking their dog. Hallie and I just in from morning smoke. And I’m having fresh-ground coffee. It’s been YEARS since I’ve had such a thing. Flashbacks to the “happier”, better days when. – Not feeling altogether “right” this warmish morn. Stomach feels “empty” and bowels feel knotted. Back is a bit stiff. But.. I slept all night in my clothes on a chair so. – But I got up at about 5.30 and at about 5.40 (all before the alarms) I put two more pieces of wood in the stove and the fire is going… from last night’s embers. Nice. It’s not “cold” in here, but it isn’t exactly warm either. Not bad… not bad at all. – And now, I have to catch-up with why I’m here. So… back we go to yesterday… – 7.03 And the fire is coming back in the stove, there’s more wood in from the garage, I’ve the small lamp on in the kitchen here, and a second coffee is dripping. I’m exhausted already… and caught-up with this journal. – 20.42 IN BED!- This morning, at shortly after 8.00, I rang McCuin, told them of the furnace trouble. “We’re looking at about 9.30.” the fellow told me. Well… shortly after 9.30 a young fellow arrived, came in, went right to the furnace and… with-in moments… a new valve. That was the trouble. Stupid me… I didn’t even notice. But the guy was amazingly polite, and prompt and it wasn’t but about 45 minutes later… everything was done. He even apologised for tracking a tiny bit of mud onto the kitchen floor! Well! – So I rang Jacquie who thanked me so many times for being there. She was off for a bit of a walk and such and wanted to get to the beach today. Meanwhile, here, the ice of yesterday began to melt and this morning’s chores were slippery from the wet. But it melted and that’s a bit of a relief. – As for the rest of the day? I came back to la cage at about 11.00 to find ‘princess’ up and making a wash. We sat at the kitchen table, had coffee and chatted about politics. My relief: Lyle’s changed from Dem to Rep… blue to red. Although I’ve a feeling he’s going to (if possible) vote Carson and not Trump tomorrow. Oh well… at least it’s not Bernie! So we chatted about all sorts of politics and he was shocked to learn that the last of the 25000 Syrians were dropped on Montreal this Saturday. Honestly… people who pay no attention… so dangerous. – Coffee done, I came to the room for a 20-minute that turned into an hour nap! I waited until about 14.45 and headed back to Jacquie’s (to dodge dinner here). – Didn’t get too much accomplished with the after-noon, save, paying another 6 months on the PO Box (which leaves me screeching along with 20$US to my name and the CIBC 30US. But, I’ve got a mailing address to receive what-ever is coming at me until August again. – Dinner was 3 franks (1 extra got split for the girls here at dinner this evening) that I really didn’t want but ate. Finished the ice cream from yesterday. Put a few more pieced of wood in the stove, kissed Hallie good-night (sweet-hear) and came back to find them on the recliners. When I went to bring the dogs out, Bob already had them out. On his way in, he grabbed a bag of pellets but I brought them in (he put them into the stove). And there we have it. – Now… to send “Report” to Jacquie and wrap this day up. Tomorrow is…. PRIMARY VOTING DAY! THAT should be interesting. And, it’s March! AND I HOPE to get to the market for more provisions for the room here! We shall see. –
23.35 I went down for a smoke… the dogs’ water bowl was empty. I filled it. Dixie drank SO much. Ellie finished half the bowl! I brought Dixie out, Ellie went to the parlour. Lyle came out with Ellie and I let him have it about the “no water”. Too difficult. Really?
“I’ve been very good to you.” Says he to me.
“Oh yes, and I haven’t done shit around here. All’s well as long as I keep my mouth shut. GO ahead… give that to me.”
I expect the “You have to leave.” to come soon.