Wed.1st.Mar: 8.07 Well…. We’ve made it through the month of February. And this morning? “Warm”, as predicted, and rain. March. – It was a “painful” night, last night. Head and neck. Uncomfortable. Awake and asleep. On and off through the night. So this morning, I’m exhausted. Jacquie’s in the shower this morning. “Ash Wednesday”. She’ll be going off to church at some point. Me? I need to get to the market for coffee. I hate asking. But… I should (and do) remember how she’s said, several, if not many times “You should have asked…” or “I don’t know why you didn’t ask somebody…” in town for a lift instead of doing all that walking to St. Albans and such. Well, I suppose this morning, I shall… “ask”, and see what happens. I don’t want to. But I believe I really should. We shall see. – Meanwhile… meanwhile. Oh, it’s another day, another month, another another. – 21.15 In bed at long last. It seemed this day would never end. Sad, because it was a “warm” day and the temperatures are about to plummet again. It was rainy on and off but still, it would have been a nice day to be out in the air.. Although, it’s nothing but mud out there and there really isn’t much that can be done… yet. No arguments or disagreements. That’s nice. Jacquie sorted through all her seeds for the next garden, which made me physically ill, thinking that I’ll be here for another one and I dread that probably more than anything else at the moment, to the point of being physically ill at the very thought of the notion. (No… no word from Vincent. I wonder if he’s got my e-mails blocked.) – I did manage a 20 minute nap and then got to work on ANOTHER “instruction” for creating and sending her Shomali orders. This is annoying me, but it does fill the time, I suppose. – Other than that? Well…
Noting: Seems that, not only are her little friends not coming to play at Jacquie’s house, I note that they’ve not even bothered to invite her to their house. Fucking infantile morons. “Moral support”. Indeed.
That noted, I need to get this onto the on-line Journal. I’ve got all of February on the local. Now to up-date the “remote”. Jacquie leaves for work at 8.00 tomorrow. Long week-end ahead. Time to get a new posting to Crgstlst and other things. Nice. I suppose. I need to find another venue for the “escape” from here though. This Crgstlst thing is done, I fear. (I wonder if my Twtr account has been “associated” with the Woodhauler blog and that’s what’s killed the Edgemont gig. Oh well… can’t take me at my accomplishments and work ethic? Not my problem.) – OH! OH! OH! DID get to the market today! Jacquie went to church for ashes, asked if I needed anything in Enosburgh. I went… dropped her at church there and went to Hannaford’s. Sat in the truck for about 10 minutes and then into the store to get my coffee, some franks for Hallie’s week-end snacks (had to get the good ones though… couldn’t decide from the “other” brands. Oh well), a box of breakfast cereal for me, heavy cream to go with, ketchup and mustard for the house and a jar of molasses to replace the few spoons I’ve taken from hers, and a pound of butter. (I tried to hide the butter and franks in the fridge… DISCOVERED! Shit! Oh well.) AND… got yoghurt, bananas and berries for Jacquie’s Lis and got 8,50$ cash for them. More cash… Not enough to DO anything with them, but cash, none-the-less. (I’d like to get it into the banque, but… I know better about that.) – So, on this note, I’ve taken a naproxyn, hoping for a painless night of sleep. I’d like to be awake for a while before Jacquie leaves in the morning. With more coffee in the house, I can do that. So… quick run through soc.med. and attempt to sleep… well… and restful… through the night. – (I wonder if Rick will come whilst Jacquie’s at work on the week-end. NOT at 7.00 though. Shame that he “doesn’t wear those shoes:. Shame too, that I don’t have the necessary to recommend and convince a “change of wardrobe”. Oh well.)

Thu.2.Mar: 8.21 AND… the morning and the week-end commence! With MORE lessons on how to create and send another Jesus order. I woke with the 6.00 alarm, noted that I had the 7.00 alarm set and dozed. At 7.17 I got up, used the little WC to pee whilst Jacquie was in the main, grabbed my coffee and tried to sneak out for a smoke but got followed by Ms. Hallie. Oh well… Got my smoke and came back in to “I don’t know what I did here.” on the order. Not a prob. Saved to “desktop” and poorly named. But we got it re-done and sent. Fine. the stove was FULL of burnt paper and one piece of wood, smouldering. Kitchen a common mess. But it’s “tidy” now and there’s a fire in the stove. The wind is banging about and there’s been a flurry. The dryer is running and right now… an hour later, the place is settled… for now. There’s no fire-wood in the kitchen though. But no panic. (I can set the thermostat up to “Human”, if need be.) Forecast is for a cold week-end. One night of minus 10F. Other-wise… fine. And me? Here I am… rather physically ill at the thought: Another week-end in this shit-hole state. – First thoughts of this morning (after a rather painful beginning to a night’s “sleep”… left upper chest and shoulder…. CA? I wonder) were of Bern and Dewey. I suppose, in time, it will “assimilate”. But… what a way to begin a day. Eh? I’m “old”… and in time, should Dennis go as well… I’ll have out-lived the ALL. WHAT HELL! is this this is. – Another morning of another day. As Mum used to say: There is no “Hell”. After this there’s only peace because THIS is Hell. – 22.50 And ANOTHER FUCKING DAY BLOWN ON MAKING *MORE* INSTRUCTIONS FOR JACQUIE AND HER FUCKING SHOMALI ORDERS! AND I’M JUST NOW DONE WITH THEM… 4 PAGES, 10 IMAGES, PRINTED IN COLOUR, TAPED TO THE DOOR OF THE DAMNED CUP-BOARD. DONE! IF THESE DON’T HELP, I’M GOING TO TELL HER TO CALL HER JES FOR HELP. NO MORE! FUCK! Aside from a few moments to get the CIBC spread-sheet back, that’s ALL I’ve accomplished all bloody day. I’m DONE! – I’m just bloody tired, fucking depressed (no word from Vincent… and the news of Bern and Dewey and the fear of getting the same news about Dennis… I DO NOT WANT TO OUT-LIVE ALL OF MY FRIENDS!) AND I’m generally fed-the-fuck-up with ALL of this shit! Fire-wood… THAT pisses me off too, when I see the fucking stove stuffed with paper and then… wood, wood, WOOD… no fucking understanding that embers give heat as well as fire, not to mention the constant tossing of wood into the stove… simply because I’VE stacked it in the kitchen. How convenient. Really! And … 2 packs of smokes a week? Yeah, well…. – Got a message today: seems the brakes went en route to work this morning. I doubt they’re all that bad… but she has to obsess about something. They were fine on Tuesday in MTL… They were fine yesterday in Enosburgh. The truck didn’t go anyplace over-night (as far as I know). So? So… Oh well… – Hey! At least I’m not being asked to go back to court on the 14th…. not that I would anyway. Ask your “moral support friends”. See how far THAT gets you. They can’t even invite her up to dinner… never mind coming to play at her house. Right then… Done. – Tired… and was hoping to be in bed by now… 22.58! FUCK! Oh well shit then. – Cold and windy out there tonight. “Minus 6”… Fahrenheit for the low. – had the usual bull-shit parade and pound up-stairs this after-noon and evening. Hallie laid in the front hall because she couldn’t be in the parlour or her room. Fucking trash. – But the day is done… I’m going to grab a quick shower before bed tonight… fuck this nonsense. – I need VODKA! Jut to get drunk and pass out… that would be nice… and the sleep that would go with too. – Tomorrow… taxes and Crgslst! Fuck.

Fri..3.Mar: 8.53 already. But … BUT… didn’t get into bed until about 1.00 this morning. Tried to back this up to the Seagate and, well… it got to the music (again) and stalled at 50 per-cent! Great! NOT! And this morning, after a rye and tonic, and a rum and tonic (and a beer)… well… I don’t know if the alarms sounded or not. Don’t care, really. But at 8.30 I woke, got dressed, put my jammies and such in the wash, went to the loo, started the wood-stove (burning nicely now), coffee, smoke and Ms. Hallie has had her breakfast. We’re “rolling”. 20 minutes. Fuck me. – 19.21 The ONLY thing I got accomplished today was to back-up MOST of the files on the lap-top and to clean it out a bit more! The ONLY thing. SO much trouble doing this. AND this fucking lap-top doesn’t have the capacity to do a “back-up” as it should. Looks like another bit of soft-ware is needed. What a fucking piece of shit this thing has become. So the “back-up” was, for the most part, a file at a time. AND I haven’t gotten all the images or the music! BIGGEST trouble is that I can’t get all of the book files transferred because the lap-top allows long names and the Seagate doesn’t. So when I try to simply move/copy files, the fucking thing jams, freezes and stops. There’s been more copy-delete than I care to think of. – In other news: it appears that the brakes on Jacquie’s truck have left her with-out this week-end and she “hopes” it’ll be done by Sunday. I wonder.. often. – OH! But I DID get the tax forms done, AND made envelopes and they’re ready to be dropped into the post. Jacquie’s address on them and “unemployed” as my career. ALL ZERO on both Fed and State. Fukkem. I don’t give a shit any more. – The house is a mess, generally. I haven’t even cleared the kitchen table. Perhaps this week-end I won’t bother to. – The fire-wood is going, going, going…I use the heat of the embers. (OH… and I’ve turned the thermostat up to approx 68F tonight because the bloody house if chilled!) I’ve no doubt that the bit of stacked wood in the kitchen will be gone before Thursday next. – And I’ve one smoke left in the one pack from MTL. Opened the last pack of Camels in the cup-board. Oh well… – Having a chamomile tea at the moment. Not in the mood for a drink right now. Need something hot. – Need to get all of this posted to the Journals too. Need to close February and open March on-line. Will do…. – 17.39 The fucking niggers up-stairs just got back from being out all day.. at about 17.15 and NOW? THE FUCKING BANGING AND SHIT COMMENCES! FUCK!

Sat.4.Mar: 7.15 Clothes in the washer. Fire in the stove. Me in jammies at the kitchen table. Just in from a smoke after coffee and morning loo. And… SNOW. Quite crisp out there this morning. Just warm enough in the house. And quiet. Oh, the quiet. How nice. – Got into bed at mid-night last night. Lights out. A bit of a toss’n’turn before falling asleep. But all’s fine this morning. Aside, that is, from the fact that I DO believe that I won’t be hearing or receiving any further word from Vincent. THAT part of New York is “gone”. I’ve fucked m’self royally… once again. tie to move and roll along… again. – As for last night, I up-dated the Avast and let it run through a complete scan over-night. This morning: Clean. No reported troubles. May it remain so… for at least another 2 years. (May I not remain, at all, for that length of time.) – I MUST get my mind into the set where none of what happens here affects me at all. Just let it all roll along, roll off and away. Not anger, annoyance, nothing. Just nothing, because even pondering it all puts pressure on my chest. Even now, the weight is palpable. So I simply must snap out of any caring what-so-ever. I know this to be the fact of the matter. Difficult? Rather. Being surrounded by intense stupidity is tough. But…
You can dance in a hurricane… but only if you’re standing in the eye.
That said, the fire in the stove is kicking-up. The snow continues to fall out-side the window. Hallie is on the sofa, expecting to head out. I need to think of something to wear other than jammies. It’s difficult, when there’s no under-wear other than what I should save… For? I don’t know. But, what I’ve been wearing for these past months is beginning to break down. – The kitchen is a mess. I don’t care (much) about that. Alas… another day that has to be dealt with. Lettuce continue… just only and merely as we must… and no more. – 10.28 Well, I’ve gotten into the on-line Journal, putting links on the annual pages. BUT… I CAN’T GET WARM! Clean clothes on. Same shit I wear very other day, but CAN’T GET WARM! MY FINGERS ARE COLD. MY HEAD IS COLD. I’M COLD! COLD, COLD, COLD. MINUS FUCKING 17 WITH CHILL OF MINUS FUCKING 27! Clear skies and BITTER! I wonder… – Last night, when I weighed-in, I was at 180lbs! FAT! WHO would have EVER thought I’d come to THIS weight? FAT! SHIT! (And yet… still so cold.) And, as a note, my body is rejecting all the dairy fat from all the heavy cream I’ve been consuming. Oh… well… another day in Fuckland. – 14.51 My days of peace are running quickly to an end. And I’ve just spent the past the past 2 hours going through the luggage… clothes and such, looking for (and finding) bath soap (Nivea from about 2 years ago), and underwear (found one), and re-packing it all. Why re-pack? Well… mostly because I really had no choice, having un-packed just about everything. Oh well… – But, as I type, the house is MUCH warmer all of a sudden. Even the wood-stove is radiating more heat. Interesting. – I’d fallen asleep for about an hour, in the recliner, after 2 rolls with butter and molasses. Sugar. Food. Something. Sleep. Oh well. – And of note: Just in from a quiet smoke (alone… no Hallie… I have to sneak out for that)… RAVENS! TWO RAVENS IN THE BACK YARD. I’ve never seen ravens here. In The Bronx? Yes. But not here, in Shit-hole. I wonder… Omen? What-ever. – Lingering sickness: Edgemont is gone. Lost. – To self: Jacquie has another court day on the 114th. I wonder if any of her “friends” will take the time to be with her… for “moral support”. HIGHLY doubtful. – So, for now, to find something “entertaining”. Imagine me… the only things to be done are getting rid of some old wood dust in a box by the stove, Hoovering and a quick mop of the kitchen floor. Very nice. I probably could find other things to do, like cleaning the “white room” but I don’t give a fuck. Not my house… not my responsibility. Not any longer. I’ve reached “Fed Up”. – 23.45 Showered and in bed at last! Fire in the stove. Thermostat turned back down. Hot water in the kitchen is OFF! With temperatures expected to hit minus 28 tonight… if there’s no hot water in the kitchen tomorrow, I don’t give a shit. I’m in a miserable mind-set tonight. No word fro Vincent. I’ve lost a wonderful opportunity. Angry? Oh yeah. Mostly with me for being stupid and staying to go to fucking court for Jacquie. And with Jacquie for being so… fucking dense. I know there’s no sense in this, but it’s here… the vile anger. I’m angry that it’s March. I’m angry that we’re leaving another Winter. I’m just angry. Or… maybe its bitter and not angry at all. Just bitter… to the core. – Tomorrow? Quick mop of the kitchen floor. Hoover the room here. Fuck the rest. The loo is still covered in dust from the hall work. The “white room” is a fucking mess. I’m fucking bitter about that too… it’s a trash dump again. No appreciation for anything. And I’ll bet that all the work I put into that fucking Shomali shit won’t be appreciated either. OH! And then there’s the “planned road trip” in April… MORE fucking Shomali shit. Another road trip… and I’ll be stuck in this shit. I’ve GOT to get the fuck OUT of here… one way or another. – It’s going to be an interesting night, sleep-wise…. all this shit in my heart, soul, core.

Sun.5.Mar: SOUR SOUR BAD BAD MORNING. – Woke at about 8.30… NO HOT WATER IN THE KITCHEN. Expected. Pee’ed in the little loo. Made coffee in the main loo. Stirred the embers in the stove, put in the wood and waited… waited… The wood isn’t “hard-wood” and it’s not “solid”. The weight of it all was WATER. So, even being in the cold garage, it hasn’t dried… rather… it’s frozen together. Ad when put into the stove, it has to thaw and partially dry before igniting. Stupidity. As I waited for the fire to ignite, I got dressed, emptied the ash bucket out back by the barn whilst Ms. Hallie went out for morning stroll and “business”. Swept the snow from the back walk and back into the house to boil water for the kitchen floor wash. Hallie got breakfast. I finally got the fire started in the stove and pulled more wood from the garage to the kitchen to replace what I’d used last night and this morning to get the fire going. Next… HOOVER. Mostly the “little room”, a bit of “dusting” in the “white room” (but, admittedly, not very much in there because… well.. I don’t give much of a shit this morning). Cleaning in there won’t make any difference. And all I could think of was: Rachel told me that she’d worked an entire Summer, getting the shit and clutter out of the parlour… the ONLY mention of that from Ms. Mme. has been “She stood on an end table and broke it.” I KNOW, TOO WELL, the ingratitude of “WORK” done in this shit-hole fuck-up state. And this morning, it gnaws at me. OK…. moving along. Hoovered as far as the cord would reach and then poured the boiling water into the bucket with last night’s old water that I’d used when I discovered the water on the floor in the pantry by the micro-wave. Still don’t know what that was from but… it’s gone this morning. (What-ever.) Mopped the kitchen floor. Done. Dump the bucket out back. The fire in the stove is fine. The kitchen floor is drying. And I’m pretty much done with this day. – Pain in the left ear this morning. pain in the left jaw this morning. Pain in the arse. And tired… of all the bull-shit. Trying to find and focus on anything “positive”, light, cheerie. Thought of the “Help Wanted” sign in the gas station in Highgate. I WILL NOT WALK TO HIGHGATE TO GO TO WORK! I WILL NOT! Thought too, of the Christmas Eve on Hamilton. Returning from Albany to find the place burned-out. We SHOULD have been eligible for Red Cross shelter… nice, clean, a good start. But I cleaned the place up and we stayed until… Didn’t get/take any help. I think of the walking an biking I’ve one to get to and from work…work… to earn a dollar. I think of the news and the social media notices of how somebody gets a car, money, Crowd-funding for considerably less than I’ve ever done. I think of Ms.Mme. whining about the money to have the truck repaired. HEY! At least she has the ability to get that done. Me? I’m fucked… I COULD be working… right across the road, at the post office. I COULD be there immediately in the morning, no matter what the conditions and circumstances. I think of walking up the mountain in the ice storms, to get to the Cragsmoor PO. What a fucking idiot I am. What did it get me? Where I am this morning…. fucked. AND I HEAR THE THUMPING AND RUNNING AND POUNDING AND BANGING FROM THE TRASH-TWATS UP-STAIRS THIS MORNING! – AND I RECALL LAST NIGHT/THIS MORNING, GETTING INTO BED AT ABOUT MID-NIGHT AND, AT 0h17 (I LOOKED AT THE TIME) HALLIE RUNNING BACK AND FORTH, PARLOUR TO KITCHEN, BARKING, AND WONDERING IF SOMEBODY WAS TRYING TO GET IN…. NOPE… MORE SHIT FROM UP-STAIRS… MID-NIGHT! BULL-SHIT!!! – I’ve come to realise that the only reason I’m not on the road and checking out of this shit is because its inconvenient. The car’s not in good shape for the ride back to NY. It probably won’t start today anyway, since it’s too cold. And the cold is NOT what I want to battle on my way “out” of this shit. Even as I’ve said, even only recently to Ms.Mme. “I do NOT deserve to be uncomfortable when I go.” Time… I just have to ride this out. – And I think, this morning…. i just lost that thought. Oh well… too much thinking. – Well…I’ve “dumped” this shit here. It does me no good but… dumped. It will go on-line and maybe someday somebody will stumble on it. Will it make any difference? No. It never did, it doesn’t now. It never will. – WHY? Why do I continue to exist? This is, as Mum said: “I’m not afraid of death and going to Hell. There is no Hell. THIS is Hell. After this, there is only Peace.” Why must I drag along waiting… waiting… waiting? – 23.56 In bed after a “calm” sort of day… Jacquie rolled in at about 14.00 and was hungry. Ah… NO HOT WATER in the kitchen! But… she fried some steak, nuked 2 potatoes and made some peas and we ate. Shortly there-after, she hit the recliner for a snooze and I… I? I began, in earnest, the new “Directory/Site Map” for this JOURNAL! Over the course of the evening, we watched a bit of news, I played with Hallie, we chatted a bit and at about 22.30, it was time to wrap this day up. Oh… I washed the dinner dishes this evening: Put a kettle of hot water in the little sink, rinsed in cold water in the larger sink and yes, managed to clean the stove and counter top as well… AND, by the way… Jacquie brought TWO more packs of Camels! – And so… on this note, I’m going to finish the post to the on-line because *I’VE JUST FINISHED THE DIRECTORY/SITE MAP AND RE-DONE THE MENU SO THERE ARE NO DROP-DOWNS (because THEY dropped beyond the bottom of a page on-line and were a pain in the arse)!!! Each “Annual” page has it’s own directory now as well. THIS is how it should have been from the beginning! Oh yeah… there’s more work that could be done to really make this “neat and tidy” but THIS much is it for now! – So, it’s just past mid-night. Late for me again. – But to wrap this day up? Cold. No hot water in the kitchen AND… I DON’T GIVE A JOLLY FUCK FROM HERE ON OUT BECAUSE… Yes, there’s a reply to the Groundskeeper post… in CHAMPLAIN… but the fellow owns 2 pieces of property… one in Champlain and the other in … Alburgh!!! and I will NOT come back to this shit-hole once I’m gone… and with a family name of “Chow” I wonder about him and his “properties”. But that’s not really a point. THE POINT IS: NO WORD ON EDGEMONT! I’M FUCKING FURIOUS (and quite destroyed). HOW-EVER: HEY! 17 JUNE 2017? OFF, AWAY, OUT, PEACE!

Mon.6.Mar: 8.57 SLEPT-IN THIS MORNING! And could actually stay asleep or go back. Well, I didn’t shut me down until almost 2.00 this morning so… – No hot water in the kitchen yet, this morning. But the “routine” is done, save the trip to the loo for a dump. That’s coming soon, I feel. – Jacquie’s at the computer, printing more “catalogues”. Impressive. Not looking for help or anything. Hey! It makes her happy. Let it be. Eh? – Sun is shining. Still cold out there. No prob. – But a thought this morning:
2017… 17 June… Better weather. A bit of time to get the Subaru running. Good year. Good number. Good time. And who knows? Maybe by then it WILL be “my time”, “my turn”. And on the 15th of THIS month, it will be 31 years. ‘The Ides”. Now to get “things” together… prepared, ready to “go”. It puts me in a better frame of being.
Other-wise… another fucking day. – 13.53 JUST BACK FROM A CLIMB UP “MINISTER HILL”, “LANDMARK” OF THIS BULL-SHIT WHORE-TOWN. AND WHY DID I CLIMB? WELL, BECAUSE, 2 HOURS AND 50-SOME MINUTES AGO, Ms.Mme. HAD THE FUCKING AUDACITY TO COME TO ME TWICE, ASKING FOR *MORE* FUCKING HELP WITH HER FUCKING SHOMALI SHIT! AND I FUCKING BLEW MY FUCKING SKULL OPEN!!! I *HAD* TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS WHORE-HOUSE, THIS NIGGER-PALACE, BEFORE I SAID OR DID SOMETHING REGRETTABLE. ALL I COULD SAY WAS “I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. CALL JES.” “PLEASE HELP ME.” SAYS SHE. “I’LL PAY YOU.” SAYS SHE. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? “PAY”? NO! DAYS OF WORKING ON INSTRUCTIONS. WORD DOCUMENTS. PDFs. PRINTED *BOOKLETS*. SHEETS OF PICTURES AND ARROWS AND RED AND BLACK AND BLUE INSTRUCTIONS, TAPED THE FULL FUCKING LENGTH OF THE CUP-BOARD DOOR! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? *MORE* HELP? NO. END OF IT! As I walked just now, I thought:
• Garden. Working average 6 days each week, in the heat, weeding, feeding, tilling. Often just shortly after sun-rise until shortly after sun-set. And what did i get from it? Being threatened by her twats up-stairs and a few ears of corn, radishes and cucumbers which I DID NOT EAT… BUT GAVE TO THE OTHER INGRATES AT 5225! AND… what didn’t get picked, packed and frozen, got GIVEN AWAY! THEN… the “friends” show up and expect ME to go pick their free shit for them!
• Lawn and property. Twats up-stairs get 100$ reduction on rent for sitting on HER mower, using HER gas to mow HER lawn… WHEN they actually did so. “We’re gonna mow the lawn this week-end.” Nope. “We’re gonna get to the lawn this week-end.” Nope. *I* mow the fucking lawn, with a “walk-behind” mower. Thanks? Nope. The trees need trimming, lose limbs hanging about. *I* get the saws and such, pull the limbs, saw them down to fire-wood. Thanks? Nope.
• Canoe. ALONE, *I* haul the shit off the porch, take photos, post to Crgslist, prop it up on saw-horses, maintain the listing on Crgslist. When it doesn’t sell, ALONE, *I* haul it back to the porch.
• The White Room. Took weeks to clean up and out and prime and paint and glaze. Mere months later, it’s a fucking shit-trap again.
Well, it was a delightful climb up Minister’s Hill. And the view really is quite spectacular. In fact, in the distance, on the horizon, in the haze, I could actually see the sky-line of Montréal. On a clear day it must be rather impressive. At night, it must be REALLY quite impressive! I took photos, sat for a brief bit and then came back down, taking my sweet-arse time returning to the whore-house where, when I went to the kitchen for my coffee (made in the little loo)… Mme. Qunt isn’t speaking to me. SHE isn’t speaking to ME! Guilt? Or just the absolute retarded inability to even approach a vaguest notion of the fact that SHE’S just plain abusive, ignorant, and generally, as Mr. Stanhope put it, a “bitch”. Not speaking TO ME? Yeah well, fine and OK. Let’s see how this all works out for you come Tuesday-next. At this juncture, I tend to lean more in favour of the Stanhopes and, should it come to an appearance in court, indeed, in honesty, I’d speak on their behalf. Again, as I walked and though:
• Stanhopes are perceived to be threats and abusive and have suggested un-doing the major repairs they effected on the house before actually moving in… BUT… the repairs had to be done becuase…
• The folks who were there before them trashed the place and left it a complete mess, and this after…
• The folks who were there before THEM trashed the place and left it a complete mess.
I call this: 3 for 3.
• Up-stairs, no doubt, there’s damage from dog, rodents, and a brat spore jumping, bounding and the likes. Noise. Garbage can full of maggots (which I know of because I cleaned it out Summer before this one past). They park in the drive instead of to the side. What-ever.
And SHE’S not speaking to ME? FUCK OFF FUCK ALL FUCK THAT! I should spend MORE time with her “Shomali” shit? Call your boss! You need help? Call your boss. Call a fucking shrink. I’ve been at your shit for MONTHS! NO FUCKING MORE! *** AND *** I hung around to “help” with your “issues” with the Stanhopes and got fucked out of the Edgemont deal!!! Yeah… pretty much.. FUCK YOU! AND, as I think of it: Go ahead and even remotely imply that you want me to leave… Call your fucking lawyer. 30 days… my residence… you need a judge’s order… and I see how capable you are of getting THAT. – Coffee done. This recorded. I’m actually quite tired. Took 2 naproxyns just in case of… I mean, my spine isn’t better and the dead legs and feet did get me about today (which is good to know that I can still walk distance… though considerably slower than ever before). But I’m tired. Ms.Mme. is on the phone… as she was when I came in. I don’t care to whom or what for. I’m going to nap… close the room door and nap. Fuck this place… Whore-ville. – 17.24 Just in from a smoke after a “snooze” from since the previous entry. 3 hours of “snooze”. And it’s probably the 2 naproxyns (why did I take 2 instead of 1? I can’t say.) but I’m a bit on the “shaky” side and drowsy. Ms.Mme. is “reclining” in the parlour. I went out the “back” door for my smoke. Yes, I’m drowsy and a touch hungry. But I’d much rather be that in this room than out there being annoyed and aggravated. – Pondering a “reminder” e-mail of the following points of fact:
• Joseph repeatedly suggested that she submit her orders on a “spread-sheet”.
Even after repeated requests, Joseph didn’t send her a spread-sheet.
But she has one… after several iterations were created… NOT by Joseph nor his staff.
• Instructions on how to use said spread-sheets are currently in 3rd or 4th iteration.
Each iteration was/is available, in detail, WITH PICTURES, in print and on the lap-top.
THIS has been on-going for MONTHS, with repeated accompanied instruction.
• SHE wanted little “catalogues” to give to her customers.
Joseph told her to tell her customers that the information is available on-line.
Even this morning, she was printing her “catalogues” that were created NOT by Joseph nor his staff.
• NEVER has there been ANY time invested, on HER part, to read the instructions. Rather, it’s been a matter of knocking on the door… even to today when, after the cup-board instructions were created, printed and hung at easy access, the very first comment was “I didn’t save the file first.” FIRST comments, large font in red print and images, top of the pages: IMMEDIATELY “FILE” “SAVE AS”.
I’m considering sending a “reminder”… only considering. But then, I know for a fact, based upon actual evidence, that the “reminder” won’t be read OR will be ignored… just as EVERYTHING before has either NOT been read OR has been ignored. I am fucking-well fucking fed-the-absolute-fuck-up. “Exasperated” might come close to the actual state. – That and this said and typed… where this leads is immaterial. – Now then… there’s the matter of John Chow who has 2 properties. 1 in Champlain and a “hobby farm” in Alburgh. I HAVE to decide what to do and where to take this offer. I do NOT want anything to do with the Alburgh location, it being in VT. But Champlain would be quite nice, lose to the border, AND IN NY! I’m thinking of how to word reply AND how to get there. Truly, I NEED to get the fuck out of and away from here… If only the car ran well enough. – Death.

Tue.7.Mar: 00.39 A night of rain. And another night of deep depression. Another night of fear of sleep. Another night of hunger. And the general weakness that comes with hunger. The naproxyn has worn off. No pain. Just no fatigue. Just in from last smoke. – I KNOW the depression is needles and unfounded. It’s nothing but my own stupidity, really. I KNOW I’ve done my absolute “BEST” for the ungrateful woman. I put in HOURS of WORK to make her task easy. And she’s CONSCIOUSLY, PURPOSELY AND PURPOSEFULLY disregarded ALL of it. She’s NEVER bothered to read anything I’ve documented. And yet, she’s quick to throw it all back in my face, with vitriol and ugliness. Common: to create false blame and direct it at me. I’m tired of it all. And tired FROM it all. And it will only get worse, never better. – I’ve spent a lot of time on-line since waking from my “nap”. 3 hours of “nap”. I should get a little more sleep in whilst I may, whilst the rest of the world here is asleep. There’s really nothing else that I can do at this point and at this hour. I suppose I could get something to eat. But what? Nothing that needs cooking in any way. – When last I was in the kitchen, when I returned from Minister Hill, there was a sink of dirty dishes. Oh gee… I suppose the fact that I didn’t wash them will be begrudged. Only heaven knows what, if anything, has already been said about me and my nastiness. But as I walked down and back into town this afternoon, I thought what is truth, fact: No matter what I do for anybody, in the past 5-plus years I’ve learnt one thing in particular: These “people” are sorely and sadly self-deluded. They believe that their lot in life is horrid, that they’re entitled to all sorts of help, support an aid. Ms.Mme. here wastes no opportunity to bemoan the fact that she’s still working and “has” to continue working. Oh yes? I wonder why that is. A house and an apartment to generate income. And because of poor judgment and the utter ignorance of words of good and kindly advice, that house has cost her more than it generated in income. THRICE, that I know of, it’s cost her more than plenty. HEY! I gave advice and offered help in renting it this last time. But no. NO! She shoved it aside. I offered help and advice MONTHS ago in remedying this situation. But no. NO! Again, she shoved it aside. “Jes and Kerry” know better. Jes, and his “3-hour Security Guard”. There’s Border Patrol parked right across or just up the road almost nightly. Free. But no. NO! “Moral support”. Yeah… that helps with the fucking “Shomali” bull-shit. It’s also helped tremendously, with the situation at the red house. Yes, indeed. And all the while, every time I speak to offer valid advice, learned advice… it’s ignored. And now, when I’ve done with all the “help and support” NOW *I* am the rotten, miserable shit. Yep… it certainly has been expected. And here it is. Bull-shit! – So, comes the moment when I must do what *I* must do for me. – Posted 2 “posts” to the Author blog tonight. One on “Altruism” and the other on advice against looking-up obituaries. It was quite a kick in the head seeing how many of my high-school class-mates are dead. AND, BOTH Foose brothers, Jasper, and a few others. Dead. Them. Some in their 50’s. Some in their 60’s. Looks like Speedie and Dennis and I are the only 3 left. – 17.06.17… “feels” like a great time to get the fuck out of all this… should I linger on until then. Champlain isn’t IN the Adirondacks but it most certainly IS back in NY and it most certainly IS closer to the mountains than this All-Forsaken shit-hole. There’s no harm in trying… no matter what. It was a mistake coming here. It will be a grave mistake to spend much, if any more time here. It’s going to be difficult to get out, but not impossible… one way or another… by any and all means necessary. What-ever it takes, at this point. The car needs repairs at the very least. Money… by any means necessary at this point. I don’t and can’t care. I’ve no more shits or fucks to give. There’ll be no “help” coming. The selfishness of Ms.Mme. will be at every turn to prohibit (if I don’t hear “You have to leave my house.”) because of watching Hallie and such. She knows I do more for her than her “friends” and being a selfish and self-serving type, she’s more likely to keep what she knows she has… no matter what. Like renting that house and the hole up-stairs. Money… She still gets it from up-stairs… she’ll take what-ever she can get for the red house when that comes available. As she recently said: Peter has a place for rent. It’s been available for quite a while. He can’t get the kind of people he wants to rent it. Well Ms.Mme.? As I implied and hinted: She should take a lesson from him. There’s GOT to be SOMEbody respectful and respectable out there to rent to. I can’t believe that I’m the ONLY person in the entire state who is. And I wouldn’t take that house if it was offered free of charge at this point. As I thought, aloud, on Minister Hill today: When I left here to walk there I could have sworn I was on the brink of a heart attack. At the top, I all but wished myself dead on the spot. BUT… as I’ve said and continue to say: I WILL NOT DIE IN THIS SHIT-HOLE WHORE-HOLE! – On that note… there’s a strange stink in the air in the house. It sways from some perfumed stench to a stale stench. Horrid shit in this tiny space. But all’s rather quiet at the moment and I see that I’m at a 3-hour mark for sleep. Another “nap”. I don’t want to be asleep when Ms.Mme. wakes… and I don’t really want to be any-where around her if at all possible. I’ll have to think of something to eat during the day… how to get it… where to eat it… Fuck! It’s truly BACK TO THE SHELTER DAYS… LEAVING TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT AND NOT BEING ABLE TO SIT COMFORTABLY AND EAT IT. FUCK! Were it not for the fact that it means going back to the “South” and away from the North Country and my mountains, AND the fact that “The City” is over-run with transplants and general idiots in a “Sanctuary City” run by morons now… I WOULD go back. But “back” is impossible now. I’ve come to far to turn back now. – Lights out time. Nap…. – 2.05 I CAN’T sleep now. Too fucking worked-up over this bull-shit. So I went out to the kitchen, got what’s left of my breakfast cereal, jar of coffee and container of creamer. At least I’ll eat something and when done, make a coffee. I’ll re-work this local Journal for starts, to get it to match the on-line and then work on that as well. Something… But I can’t sleep. too fucking worked-up over this bull-shit. Spoiled, rotten, delusional, self-serving, spoiled, rotten, hypocritical, Jesus-calling, brat.- 8.37 Here we go…. Fell asleep at about 4.30. had a DREAM:
I remember only one part of it. Standing on a cliff. (Maybe Minister Hill?) Steep. Sharp-edged. I was at the very edge, looking down and trying to navigate it some-how. Thought I was far enough from the edge when I realised that there was only a razor-edge of rock beneath my foot. I leaned back, into a hollow behind me and slowly moved back and along, to my left a bit, to find a broader bit of the cliff that would support me. A bit of the rock under-foot chipped off and went down. In my mind, I “saw” myself falling, being caught by air currents, blown farther away from the cliff and down. In my mind, I knew that I’d simply drop, and perhaps bounce off any out-croppings of rock below as I fell, knew that I’d bounce about, being crushed and beaten to death. I’d be dead long before hitting the absolute bottom. But I kept moving along slowly. There was something about “copy and paste” on a key-board. I needed to “copy and paste” more rock beneath my feet at some point. And I did. In my mind I “copied” more rock and “pasted” it under foot and as I did so in my mind, I found my way to a broader “ledge” on the rock and made my way back and up to safer, stronger ground and finally back up to the top of the cliff where I could safely get back down from it all. (I didn’t wake from this dream.. slept on through and remembered it even when I woke.) Premonitory? Integration of the trip up Minister Hill? Assimilation of reality? An “omen”? Is it because I feel that, in reality, I’m on a precipice, on the verge of falling, perhaps to my demise some-how? Am I about the hear that spoiled old miserable woman tell me that she wants me out of her house? Is there something in my life that I’m about to save me from? I don’t know. I won’t know until “time” passes and reveals it. Meanwhile, I AM at a precipice. The IS precious little firm ground beneath me. And I DO have to get myself off this cliff and onto safer ground… even if it means death. “Death” would be SO VERY welcome right now. Even if it has to happen here.
FIRST thought of the morning, as I lay in the bed pondering whether or not I want to get up, get out of bed:
The very same shit that was the LAST thoughts before finally going to sleep this morning.
•1_ I offered EDUCATED help, MONTHS ago, with information and guidance, based not only on all that I’ve read from official state books and documents, but from direct, personal experience watching the Gliddens try to get Randy out of their home. * She fucked it off, ignored it all, listened to the UN-eductated bull-shit of Jes and Kerry. BUT… when it came time to go to COURT… wanted me there to TESTIFY on her behalf.
•2_ MONTHS ago, back in the very beginning of this Summer past, her Joseph wanted her to use spread-sheets to place orders. Repeatedly, she asked him to send her one. He never bothered. So *I* created one and worked with her Joseph to get one that would work for him. THEN I made instructions for her to read. Printed them. Bound them into a booklet. Kept them on the lap-top. Showed her, repeatedly, how to use the spread-sheet AND how to use the lap-top version. REPEATEDLY! *She fucked THAT by NOT looking at the booklet AND NOT looking at the lap-top version. Instead, she kept coming, and coming and coming with excuses why she needed more and more help. She wanted “catalogues” to give to her customers. Joseph told her to tell her customers to get the information on-line. Ah… I went on-line a took the images from there, put them into a format that could be printed, which she’s done, several times. HER WORK… NOT MINE! THEN, AGAIN, just this past week-end, I RE-MADE the instructions, images and arrows, text and all, and taped the pages to the door of the cup-board directly to her left as she sits at the lap-top. VERY FIRST time she sat at the computer, WITH THE INSTRUCTIONS RIGHT THERE ON THE DOOR… she comes to the door and ADMITS that she didn’t even bother to LOOK at them! Fucked again.
•3_ THIRD STRIKE AND FINAL CLINCHER OF ALL: Because on item number 1, I’ve now lost the opportunity of a life-time: Victorian house, smaller back house, cabin, old barn, 42 acres of land, on a hill, over-looking Lake Champlain, in the foot-hills of the Adirondacks, BACK IN N.Y.! How did I lose this? By staling the offer so that I could be here, available to watch this house, go to court, and THAT all because my help and advice was fucking thrown to the side.
First thoughts of a day… but the anger of being abused got me up, dressed, into the loo where, as I peed, I made my morning coffee. When done, came out to get Hallie to bring her out for morning “pinkle”. Ah… but… the house appears to be empty other-wise. No sign of the old abuser. The kitchen light is on. There’s a fire in the stove. But nobody and no sign of anybody. (Run up the road for “moral support”? Spreading bull-shit? I’ve no doubt. Or, perhaps taking my advice and gone to consult her “moral support friends” on matters. What-ever. What-ever.) – Wet this morning. Not too cold. I wonder if the hot water’s returned to the kitchen. I just and only wonder. It’s of no particular import to me one way or another. – And now… I started to work with/on the on-line Journal this morning. There’s enough work on those to keep occupied. No need to bolt from the room. The door is closed. I’ve “something” to do… to keep away from the old shit… until such time when she offers her version of an apology for being abusive. It won’t matter to me. I know it won’t be sincere. But hey… – And perhaps I’ll enumerate the situation and send it along via e-mail. She can “not” read it too. Share it with her “friends”. Delete and ignore it. Again… “what-ever”. – No sense allowing this bull-shit to fester MY time. – 24.25 Up late and WAY past the time I wanted to be TRYING for sleep… but got carried away with the new directory and menu on the Local Journal. Oh well… _ BUT… PEACE HAS BEEN MADE ONCE AGAIN THIS EVENING, I’VE GOTTEN MY SAY AND EXPLANATION SAID. I’D GONE OUT FOR A SMOKE AT ABOUT 17.00 AND Ms.Mme. LET HALLIE OUT TO BE WITH ME… ALL SMILES. WHEN I’D DONE WITH MY SMOKE AND COME BACK IN, SHE WAS IN THE PARLOUR. I SAT CALMLY, ASKED IF SHE HAD A MINUTE OR TWO AND EXPLAINED HOW WORTHLESS I FEEL, HOW WORTHLESS ALL OF MY EFFORTS TO BE OF ANY HELP HAVE BECOME. SHE CLAIMS TO UNDERSTAND. I DON’T BELIEVE SHE DOES BUT… AND I EXPLAINED THAT I’M QUITE FED-UP WITH MY-SELF AS WELL… HAVING LOST THE OPPORTUNITY OF MY DREAMS IN NY… SHE SAYS SHE CAN IMAGINE… AGAIN, I DON’T BELIEVE THAT. AS FOR THE MISTAKE SHE MADE YESTERDAY, SHE SAYS IT WAS BECAUSE SHE WAS SO EXCITED ABOUT GETTING AN ORDER THAT SHE SIMPLY FORGOT. I POINTED-OUT THAT IT’S BEEN MONTHS OF WORK THAT HAS NEVER BEEN PAID ANY ATTENTION. “I KNOW.” YEAH… SHE SAYS THAT TO HALLIE TO. BUT, THE POINT OF THE MATTER IS: PEACE HAS BEEN MADE… AGAIN… FOR NOW… UNTIL… – She wasn’t at home most of today. Town Meeting! I’d forgotten. So when I wondered if she was in her room sulking, no, she was at Town Meeting. And then, this evening, at 17.30, she was off to a Church Meeting until about 19.00! While she was out to Church Meeting, I had 3 franks-in-biscuit that she’d made last evening… using the franks I’d gotten for Hallie at the market but… I can replace those (for more money) at the store here. A bit of mac’n’cheese and some peas. Just enough to say I “ate”. When she returned, she finished the left-overs and we watched O’Reilly and a bit of Tucker. – Yes… settled… for now…. – Tomorrow she has Staff Meeting. Asked if there was anything I wanted to to in BTV. I SHOULD get gas for the Subaru but I don’t feel like toddling about. I suppose I could take the truck and get the gas and more coffee and such at a Hannaford’s there but… I’ll see how I feel about it all when I wake… in a few hours from now. I WANT to get the local of this journal done! I’m close… but not close enough. Tomorrow… so I can find other things for the week-end. – Sent word to the fellow in Champlain. Suggested we talk on my alone days. Gave him my phone number… We shall see. Victorian on 2 acres? There’s 2 acres here. I can handle that. I wonder how much “work” needs to be done on the house and such. But IF THERE’S EVEN THE SLIGHTEST CHANCE OF TAKING THIS… IT’S MINE! NY! AND NOT *TOO* FAR FROM THE ADK! Most important… NOT FUCKING VERMONT ANY MORE! – On that note… lights out and try for a nap… I want to be awake when Ms.Mme. leaves. Why? Simply because…

Wed.8.Mar: 9.19 WOW! OVER, OVER-SLEPT! THIS MORNING! Heard the 7.00 alarm, turned it off and fell into deep sleep. JUST waking up… to an empty house. AND… PAINFUL this morning. Right calf feels “stretched”. Perhaps from the climb up Minister Hill? Too much, too quickly, too soon? Oddly, my right hand is stiff too. Fingers don’t want to type. (That could be from all the work on the Journal pages. But still… *”OLD”* age seems to have hit as I slept. – Can’t help but think that Jacquie asked if I wanted to go to BTV today. THIS EARLY? It would have turned into quite the longest day. And I don’t have all that much to “do” there… not for an entire day. Oh well. I wasn’t sure about going… Question answered. – OK then. On with this day…. what-ever. – 23.43 OK. Quickly here… That broken tooth is giving me some kind of Hell tonight. Standing out in the cold air tonight helped a bit but… – As for the day? Well… there’s a fire in the stove and a large stack of wood in the kitchen. There’s BITTER coming on Saturday. Thermostat up! – Jacquie had a Shomali stop this morning. Left at 8.00! Poor woman. But I got a LOT done with the images and such on the local Journal AND got the wood in and the floor swept nicely. – When she came home this evening, at about 14.00 or 15.00, she went into her wallet. “I have something I want to give you. I got a commission cheque for 110 and I want you to have half of it.” 55! O the kitchen table! On the envelope that’s been there for a day or so and I’m not opening (until told to do so at least). I really don’t WANT the money… I REALLY DON’T. Yes, in honesty, I’ve earned it, between the Shomali work I’ve done to help her (HEY! Her MaryRose gets paid for toddling along with her and doing considerably LESS actual “work”… not to mention the joy-rides to visit friends and family that she gets out of the road trips. Still… I don’t “want” the money…. Of course, I can use it. I’d LIKE to get it into the banque too… but … ) So the cash and envelope are under a stack of other papers in the kitchen table. We shall see. – We had poutine and chicken for dinner this evening. Just enough “intake” for the day. I had a half container of Fage at lunch-time anyway. – We watched a bit of TV this evening. I built the fire and good I did. The temperature is dropping already. At about 21.00, too Hallie out and we all “retired” for the evening. I worked a bit more on the local Journal, checked-in on soc.med. No word on the Champlain offer and still nothing from Edgemont. Edgemont is a dead issue… time to come to grips with that reality. – All that said and aside… it’s time to try for some sleep tonight. I want to be awake at a civil hour tomorrow… and be ready to rock’n’roll with chores ASAP. – I bumped my knee on the table out-side the porch door today. Now the right leg still has the “muscle” aches and the left knee is sore. The bang wasn’t bad enough to cause this much pain. I wonder WTF is happening to my body! I can’t afford to be anything less than 95 per-cent now! Oh well… “old”. It’s coming… coming…

Thu.9.Mar: 5.45 Up. Loo. Coffee. Full re-start to the wood-stove. Smoke. Oil-pulling. That tooth has some “give” to it. And that’s what woke me this morning. Pain. Tooth-ache. I wonder if that’s not what’s causing the horrible pain in my head and neck for the past couple of days. Stiffness. Crunching when I tilt and turn my head. Something worse than a bad tooth? Perhaps. Oh well. Take me out. – And this morning, a light cover of snow on the ground… again. Very nice. Winter holds on, as Winter will. ’tis nice to be back in The North Country. I wish it was in NY. But… as usual, I get my wish… with conditions. – So now, with the fire going and the stove well-stoked, the day commences. As usual, not at all “too well”.
Good morning heart-ache, you old gloomy sight. Good-morning heart-ache, didn’t say “Good-bye” last night.
Might as well get used to you hanging around. Good-morning heart-ache… sit down.
It’s going to be another “interesting” day. (At least, later, at some point, I’ll be able to nap. The “week-end” commences today as well. – 8.47 Re-start to the day. Snoozed for about 90 minutes. Tooth is a bit better after the pulling. A bit better. I’m just really “light-headed” and my stomach’s a bit “off”. But… – Jacquie woke and of course, even though the stove was roaring and fully stoked… she HAD to do SOMETHING in it. I just went back to sleep. She’s cleared the table in the “dining-room”. Let’s see how long that lasts. And now she’s having her 2nd coffee as the SNOW comes falling down. We’re having “an accumulation”… again. – Me? I want to go back to sleep but… later, when the house is empty… I hope. – (On Friday morning, 10.25) It was a slow morning, all said. I was up and about again round about 8.00’ish. She was “cleaning” the tabe in the dining-room. It’s the little things that impress (her). She also managed to get a Shomali order in. AND SHE’S GOT A TRIP PLANNED FOR THE FIRST WEEK OF APRIL! WOW! DO I EVER WANT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! Just NOT t be here for that. Maryrose… no doubt. Oh well… Connecticut and such. Fare well. – She left at about 14.00 or so. I spent the day working on more of the Local Journal until… When she left, I took a 90-minute “nap” simply because I had no choice. Back to work on the Local until dinner time! 17.00…. Hallie got dinner. I finished the little container of left-over poutine and chicken. Not a lot. Not really a “meal”. But it sufficed. Had some ice cream after. Oh well… I started the new container in the freezer. – Oh, and, the fire-wood in the kitchen got re-stacked as well during the day. There was still quite a bit there but it needs to be brought into the house… to dry. It’s all still quite “moist”. Anyway… got the fire re-started too. Watched The Five then back to work until O’Reilly. Watched that with Hallie and then….. More work on the Journal. I’m DETERMINED to get a local of it. Gives me something to read AND to make sure there’s a back-up. SO MUCH of what-ever I’ve had in the course of my life-time is gone… one way or another. At least I’ll have a record of this atrocity of having come to this place… For what purpose? I don’t know… I DO know that NOBODY will EVER give a shit. As I work on it and see how much energy and ambition I’ve put in… and looking at all the work I’ve GIVEN to OTHERS… and I keep thinking of my legs, back, the dead finger on the left hand that got crushed stacking fire-wood… none of it makes any difference to anybody. – Also, a thought today… Jacquie gave me the 55, plus the 40 that’s in the envelope (I opened it) plus the 8 from Lis in return for the groceries… That’s 103! US. If I could get that into the account with the 70-something in there… I’d be up to just over 200! Not that it would make any big difference in my life because it would be “CAD” and not “US”. It won’t get the Subaru back on the road. But it would be nice just to have. I’m going to “see” what kind of response a request to take a run to Bedford the coming week will get. I’d like to have “money in the banque”. At the rate of exchange now… it will be “nice” to have… there. Won’t be a Hell of a lot changing back, but… – Anyway… 2013 is done in the “primary” work on the Journal. There are a LOT of links that have to be tweaked after this run. But it’s coming along. What a shame it’s not being done for pay. A LOT of WORK here. – And all the while I keep thinking and remembering and knowing: NONE of what I do makes any difference in improving much of anything and NOBODY…. NO…BODY….AT ALL… knows, wants to know, give a fucking shit about ANY of it. – And on that… we end this, another day… FUCK IT.

Fri.10.Mar: 2.19 JUST finishing an ENTIRE day of working on the LOCAL JOURNAL AGAIN! Just noted “yesterday”… will fill in when I wake up… a little later from now. THIS IS NOT when I expected or planned on going to sleep but 2013 entries… FUCKING WORK! But that year is practically done.. More to clean up but MOST is done! THANK YOU WHO-EVER WROTE THE CRIMSON HTML EDITOR! BLESS YOU BLESS YOU! – 10.20 WELL! I GOT MY 7 HOURS OF SLEEP THIS TIME! Lights out t about 3.00 this morning and oddly enough, when I finally woke, AS I looked at the clock I thought “What is is? 10?” Yep. 10.00! A later start to the day but much-needed sleep. And now, Hallie’s had breakfast and it out. Fire re-started, coffee, loo, smoke. Done. Up… and running. I’ll HAVE to make a wash today too… Pits! Whew. No good at all. Probably because of poor diet and aggravation during the week. But that part, I don’t really care much about at all. And another few years of work on the Local Journal today and done… I certainly hope. It would be nice… GREAT, in fact, if somebody would want a web-site…. now that I’m back into it. But… “GREAT” is something that never happens and never could… especially not these days. – Time to roll here… and catch-up with yesterday’s entries. – 10.38 and caught-up. Time to … what-the-fuck-ever. – 23.52 Finished the image links on the Local. Went to the store for pasta for me, franks for Hallie. Angel hair and lentil soup tonight and tomorrow. Ice cream too. – REALLY REALLY REALLY FRIGHTENED. SCARED, IS MORE LIKE IT. HAVE 2 PHONE NUMBERS FOR DENIS. WANT TO CALL BUT… WHAT IF… NO ANSWER, NOT HIS NUMBER ANY LONGER… OR… I’VE BEEN VERY DEPRESSED MOST OF TODAY. COULDN’T LISTEN TO G’S MUSIC. – *** MESSAGE FROM NY! *** THE “NEW” REPLY IN CHAMPLAIN. *** WILL HAVE TO PHONE TOMORROW. *** – 2 rye-ginger, 1 rum-tonic. Tired. And so… with wind HOWLING out there, temperatures DROPPING after a bit more snow today… I’m showered, clean jammies, dirty clothes for tomorrow or… Now to try for sleep.

Sat.11.Mar:
7.30 I actually woke before the 6.00 alarm and dozed, after a deep sleep through the night. And now, “pinkle”, re-start the stove (in mere seconds with all the kindling I brought in yesterday), coffee and a smoke (in the BITTER cold of this sunny morn)… done. Up-stairs, the “relay races” begin. Another morning in Hell commences. Oh well… But my fingers don’t want to type this morning. Left-overs from the “beverages” of last night? What-ever. I slept last night, and that’s what matters at the moment. – Today, calls to NY. Champlain, yes. Newburgh? Perhaps. Before going to sleep last night I did some more research on Dennis. Found 2 different telephone numbers. I wonder. We’ll see what comes of it. – But for now… the day. – 7.51 Minus 20, chill of minus 28. Minus 14 (chill of minus 25) for the “high” today. Mostly sunny with slight chance of “averses de neige”. Tuesday to be the warmest of the week at… zero. Winter holds tightly. – 8.58 AND WE’RE ROLLIN! – 11.55 FINALLY READY TO PULL THE ON-LINE (after including this morning’s entry here) BECAUSE THE LOCAL JOURNAL IS DONE!!!! (And then I’ll add this too and continue.) WEEKS OF WORK… FINALLY DONE. I’VE A LOCAL COPY OF THIS JOURNAL! ALMOST 6 YEARS OF SHIT AND HELL! (I wonder… have I actually died at some time in the past and THIS is HELL?) – Meanwhile… the SNOW is blowing ALL round out there, the kitchen is COLD, the stove is burning nicely (I’ve taken to having my smokes beside it instead of out-doors), I’m quite “chilled” from sitting at the kitchen table and am considering tossing the thermostat up, at least for the day since it’s supposed to be BITTER ALL DAY. – Then? CALL TO CHAMPLAIN! HERE GOES… SOMETHING. -13.35 DONE WITH ALL OF THE JOURNAL, LOCAL AND ON-LINE! ALL IS WELL… well… as “well” as can be expected. PULLED A COPY FROM THE ON-LINE, ALL LINKS ON LOCAL ARE DONE AND UP TO THE PREVIOUS ENTRIES HERE, ALL IS COPIED AND SAVED. HOW NICE. – At about 13.00, I tried to call Champlain but the “voice-mail” picked-up. I didn’t leave a message. I’ll try a little later. Contemplating trying the Dennis numbers now… I’m actually afraid to do so… Will neither be HIS? Will somebody else answer saying he’s died? Will nobody answer? Will be be pissed at/with me? Maybe I just need to stop the questions and get the answer. – Meanwhile and meanwhile… the thermostat went UP a while ago. JUST COULDN’T get the damned chill out of this place! The stove’s going. The fan in the kitchen helps a bit. But so TOO, does the boiler! – Of NOTE today: That crunching in the left side of my neck is back and it’s a bit PAINFUL too. More pain… more PAIN. Of course there is. I wonder what it is. – And all the while, the wind blows, the snow falls lightly and drifts hard. – My finger and toe nails are done. I need to shave today, I should think. I can’t believe it’s 13.40 already! MY week-end is drifting away… TOO TOO rapidly! – MIDNIGHT 00.00 (24.00)
BECAUSE I’M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU
I WANNA SEE YOU DANCE AGAIN…
The day is done. I’m in bed. Just in from a lonely smoke. 2 rye-gingers. They don’t take the pain away, but they some-how make it a little easier to handle, with the hope of putting head to pillow and passing-out. It won’t happen… the passing-out. It’ll probably be just the opposite. It’s empty in here.
I HAVE A PLACE I CAN CALL MY OWN
THAT’S WHERE I GO ‘TIL THE NIGHT IS GONE.
I TRAVEL MY MIND AND INTO MY HEART.
NOBODY KNOWS WHEN I GO THAT FAR.
BECAUSE I’M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU
I WANNA SEE YOU DANCE AGAIN.
The one telephone number had an answering machine. One out of 5. I don’t know any more today than I have all along. And Champlain was a game of “tag”. I called, left a message. Nothing in return.
SINGING “HERE WE GO AGAIN”.
Well, after finishing the Journal today, there really wasn’t anything else I did. I wasn’t in the mood for music all week-end. I wasn’t really in the mood for soc,med. either. I “napped” for about 90 minutes on the recliner. Such a shame… I woke up. Oh well. Poor Ms. Hallie would have been alone… with me… but alone. I can’t do that to her. She has an obvious dislike or fear of being left alone. I remember what that’s like. I’ll be “alone”… soon… now… One person left. Dennis. One… and that’s not even known. Perhaps I’m alone already. – I just thought: I could take the train from Plattsburgh to Poughkeepsie, the train from Poughkeepsie to Beacon. Then what? Walk over to Newburgh? Or hitch? I might be able to fly from Plattsburgh to Newburgh. Then what? Walk into Newburgh? Then what about the return? I HAVE to return because… well… The North Country. Either way. Or… April… If Jacquie goes to CT, would I be able to toss a visit in? Even just to see, say hello (and auf Widersehen), hold, hug, hold close and leave? Would I be able? I doubt it. The only one in pain here is me. It doesn’t matter to anybody else. It never did. – And as I showered, some thoughts: Gee… when birthdays, holidays, Christmas and the likes came round, the other 3, who walked out of “home” and into fully furnished and paid new places, got gifts… money and the likes. Even the little qunt. 60$ for a new pair of boots for her birthday. Me? I got nothing. From the very beginning right through. And they “judge”. And THEN they talk about me as if I’m shit. Does it make any difference, really, at this juncture? It’s been YEARS with-out communication. They’re all but dead… to me anyway. Best this way… judgmental idiots, dolts, entitled little shit-bags. – Well… the day was a dinner of pasta. Finished the ice cream. Kept the wood-stove burning. Burnt the containers and packages and such. Hallie finished her franks. The dishes are done and put up. Tomorrow… quick Hoover and mop. – And does it make any difference… to anybody? Nope. Just me. But me smells of Nivea. How nice. Clean. Me. The clothes are in the dryer. Hallie’s in “her” bed. The stove is burning. Hopefully enough embers to re-start in the morning. Hopefully I’ll be able to get the place together. The kitchen table is still quite the mess. I don’t care. What-ever life does… it does… – June… a nice year… 17… a good date… the 17th.
BECAUSE I’M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU
I WANNA SEE YOU DANCE AGAIN…

Sun.12.Mar: 0.18 Daylight Savings Time comes in already! Seems like I only JUST changed the clocks off of it. What a fucking bit of shit… nonsense… really. Oh well… Another Winter… There won’t be “another”. – 7.54 (or… yesterday’s time: 6.54) Ca se peut tu? “Daylight Savings”? Id like to make a withdrawal…. I’ve “saved” more than my fair share and want to take another 3 hours from my account. Thanks. – Fire’s done, loo, smoke, coffee. Clothes tossed through the dryer again. Done. Only things remaining: Dress and get the floors done. Shouldn’t start the floors until 9.00 anyway. Oh well… Another Sunday. Clear skies. Storm in the forecast. Of course… the days I’d like to get to the banque. “Life”. – Message from Jacquie last night: not a good week-end… “but what should I expect?” or something like that. She too… We begrudge each day we wake. How charming. Misery, they say, likes company. I’d prefer mine, alone. But Hell isn’t a holiday… it’s a daily bunch of bull-shit. And so… here we go. – 10.18 The floors are done, Hoovered and mopped. Fire in the stove. I want a coffee… but can’t get to the sink. Oh well… And it’s BITTER out there! But MY WORK is DONE! (Were it not so cold in this little room, I’d nap… I just might anyway.) – 20.50 (Which would be 19.50.) Wellp… Jacquie’s passed-out in bed. A wine (or more) too many, as we were watching TV after dinner, she simply got up, teetering, tried to stuff more fire-wood into the stove, toddled-off to the loo, came back in her house-coat, sat for a moment and got up and teetered-off to the bed-room where… she’s been ever since. I noticed, with the light on. That was about an hour ago. She came in, looking rather pale, sat a bit, tried to keep the stove stuffed with wood in spite of it being very warm with some wood and much hot embers. She made some pasta and jarred sauce for dinner and we ate… and I ate… well. We discussed her week-end. She said it wasn’t “good” but didn’t say why. We discussed social heat care and such and then she stacked the dish-washer (teetering already then) and we sat to TV. There was a little chatting during that, but not much. She mentioned 1300$ a month to keep the house. “I want free housing.” she said, with reference to “refugees”. (My thought: she’s got a job… something I wish I had but can’t get in this shit-hole state. 800$ a month coming in in rent to go toward the 1300. Leaves 500, which I’m sure she makes in a week. Me? I WANT a job and can’t get one. Imagine that. Oh well… It’s the “national pastime” here: Whine.) And so, she went to bed with-out a word, I washed the pots and such, cleaned the sink, stove and counter, went for a smoke and am now on the bed, almost ready to put on my jammies and call an end to this day. – Earlier today, I got another hour of sleep in. I’ve been exhausted all day. Don’t know why, exactly. Mental, mostly. Depression. Looking for and thing of Dennis… Bernadette. Bubby, Speedie, Jasper, Bernadette, Dennis… me. – OH OH OH! DID find a fesses-book page for, I believe… DENNIS! Last post is a photo dated 17 July 2012. Looks like him. Glasses. Indeed… the fellow in the photo could easily be 62 (he’d be 66 now… going on 67… if not already 67). Cute little fellow. Something in my heart tells me it’s him. (Or, is it that I WANT it to be him? I don’t know for certain.) It’s selfish of me, really, to want him to still be around. I admit that. Primarily because I don’t know that I could tolerate the thought of him NOT being around. I can’t find any other information on him. But I’m learning that, simply because one can’t find an obituary on-line doesn’t mean a person hasn’t died. I may never know… or… I may find out… as I’ve found out about everybody else. So, that’s how I spent most of my day… on the bed… looking. I left Jacquie to go through her mail and such. I don’t know if that was appreciated. Don’t know if it was the “correct” thing to do. But… I opted for giving her time to “un-wind” after work. – So now… 21.02 and the stomping has commenced above. Hey. I’d feel some kind of “compassion” but… hopefully it will get to where it usually is on the week-end. Since it’s primarily over Jacquie’s bed-room, MAYBE, all things and matters considered, she’ll put a stop to it… though… I doubt it. But… she’ll get a dose of my week-ends. That much is good. Nobody listens when I speak. Let them learn. – Forecast is for horrible “Winter Storm” come Monday night through Tuesday. Looks like no going to Bedford then. Maybe Wednesday. The “storm” is supposed to stay quite to the South of us. We shall see. It’s not as “bitter” out as it has been. We shall, indeed, see. – Time for a browse of the old soc.med. No further word from Champlain. I’m upset, depressed, annoyed, depressed. That too… we shall see… Perhaps I need to simply do as I’ve done before: close my eyes, take a breath and jump. Hey… if shit goes along as it has, there’s always June… 2017…..

Mon.13.Mar: 1.41 To be in bed so early and to be awake so “late” is purely fucked-up. But I got so wrapped up in soc.med. and then distracted on Ggl maps looking for the CIBC nearest to Champlain (Lacolle 8mi) and then following roads and then maps from Fukling to Champlain. Anyway, I’m a touch brighter about the Champlain spot. Border town. On the Great Chazy River. Close to the banque and such. Now all I have to do is keep hold of it. (And, let go of the other…. which is farther South than I’d wanted to be in the first place anyway.) – Been out for last smoke. Clear skies. Going to be a BRISK night… thankfully it’s not too bad in the room. – Jacquie’s been up… mid-night… and the house is quiet. – I’m not “really” tired now but will try for a “nap” and hope it’s enough. – Hungry though…. Oh well… – Took a naproxyn when I got to bed… took another at mid-night. Hopefully they’ll help with a nap… and not with the drags in a few hours. I want to be up early… ish. Why? Just because. No other reason. I’m an arse. – 1.58 JUST about to finish the day, crawl under-cover and… bang, crunch, tinkle, bull-shit… SHE’S PLAYING IN THE WOOD-STOVE, KNOWING THAT THE NOISE COMES DIRECTLY THROUGH THE WALL. NOT to mention I’d just seen the fucking stove when I went for a glass of water (which is running almost out-right on the hot) and it was fine. Ah… but… Madelaine duBois… how she NEEDS to play in and with that fucking stove. Vermont… retardation… entitlement… self-serving… self-centred… as I just stated on Twtr…. REPULSIVE! – Now… to try for that nap. – 7.13 Up with the 7.00 alarm and already done dressed, loo, re-stoke the stove, coffee, smoke and… Jacquie was in the kitchen (“Bonjour.” “Bonjour.”) Hallie woke before I could make it out the door for smoke in peace. – Clear skies. Full moon hovering o’er New York in the Western sky. Quite beautiful. And me? (As if “me” matters.) 5 hours’ sleep and I’m moving. Just moving along. Another morning of a bit of “hope”… this morning, that Champlain comes… and BEFORE the gardening season. “Hope”, at this hour of the morning. How stupid can I possibly get? (I know… TOO!) – 11.23 30-minute nap. 2 molasses rolls, kafé bots. And Ms. J. is on the spread-sheets. The day is rolling slowly. – 22.34 In bed. Day done. Nothing much to note. Had the computer on-line from 18-20.00 in case Champlain phoned. He didn’t. No shocks there, I suppose. – Jacquie went to her “union” meeting. Left at 17.00, got back at 21.00. She hadn’t eaten. I’d had yoghurt, almond butter and molasses. I’m really NOT all that hungry. Depression. – At about 18.00, I HAD to break into my little bit of cash and get smokes! I’m QUITE PISSED! OK? So… she gives me cash for the work for Shomali (which I helped her with again today… but that’s fine) and the “stipend” for taking care of house and Hallie… AND, AS EXPECTED, SHE STOPS BUYING SMOKES! TO ME, THAT’S TAKING THE CASH BACK OR GIVING IT NOT FOR THE WORK DONE BUT IN PLACE OF THE STIPEND. OK? OK! Well… *MY DAY* is on the horizon. As I thought this evening: I leave with-out so much as ‘sod off’. – ALSO… of note I suppose: MORE OF HER MAIL IS BEING RETURNED TO SENDER! A BILL FROM THE SEPTIC COMPANY GOT RETURNED! SO.. I TOLD HER, IN *NO* UN-CERTAIN TERMS, THAT I’M QUITE HAPPY, DELIGHTED, REJOICING BECAUSE HERS ISN’T THE ONLY MAIL BEING RETURNED AND SINCE NOBODY IN TOWN APPRECIATED THE WORK I DID FOR THEM, WERE QUICK TO BITCH AND MAKE MY TIME HERE MISERABLE AND ALMOST DANCED WHEN I LEFT? WELL… THEY (YOU) ALL GET WHAT YOU DESERVE AND MAY THERE BE MUCH MORE AND MUCH MORE SERIOUS ISSUES. TAH-FUCKING-DAH. – Now, I’m going to check my soc.med. Tomorrow morning, Jacquie has to be in Peter’s office at 8.00. “You can come too, if you want.” said she. HELL NO! 8.00? Fuck-off! I’ll stay here, in the house, with the dog. Besides… for all this shit I’ve put up with already on this account and for what? Bull-shit? Go it alone… YOU started it. YOU asked for it. YOU settle it. I’m done with it. – Amen.

Tue.14.Mar: 9.09 after another 2.00 lights out this morning. House is quiet (thus far). Jacquie’s getting her “next day in court” this morning. I’ve done loo, re-start the stove, fed Hallie, had my smoke and coffee. Thermometer on the porch reading about 22F. Very grey. Today is allegedly “THE STORM”! “Stella”, by name. “Snopocalypse”, they’re calling it. “2 feet” of snow due in NYC. Up here, not so much. But at least it’s not so bitter cold. – I “heard’ the 6 and 7.00 alarms and just couldn’t wake up. Oh well. All my trips to BTV for a court appearance I shouldn’t have even had, and nobody bothered to even offer company. All the walking about, alone, in the cold. Alone. Nobody there. Nobody calling. Nobody asking. Nobody. I “owe” nothing to anybody. And, this situation has nothing to do with me. I’m free of obligations. – Thought: Last night Jacquie complained because she’s been “written-up”. Why? Administering meds (nothing “serious”) with-out checking logs. SHE complains because SHE doesn’t bother to read, check, pay attention. It’s as I’ve witnessed all along. Just goes on about the world as if SHE is the ONLY one in it and HER words, thoughts and actions are all there is. And she complains that “they” are writing her up for it. Ah yes? As for me? I recall… all too many times: I told her of the trouble with the garden and her up-stairs twats… she did… nothing; I told her to go after the trash that left her red house in shambles… she did… nothing; I told her to carefully check the current tenants there… she did… nothing; I put in all the work to make her “Shomali” business quicker and easier… she did… nothing; I created forms and instructions, booklets and files and the likes… she did… nothing. She whines a lot… A LOT. I’ve lost Edgemont… she’s done… nothing. I went, once, to court… I re-advised… she’s still in court, the Stanhopes are still in her house. Nope. So this morning, I don’t want to be sitting in a truck in the cold for hours. As with the “staff meeting” days in BTV, sitting in the cold truck, in the rain, for hours. Nope. Quite actually, I want to get to the banque. I wouldn’t dare to ask. Nope. Hey, they can (and will) say what they want (and will) about me, but my continued come-back: I’ve not asked YOU for anything. Even to this room. It was offered. I accepted. And I most certainly don’t just loll about. House is maintained. Grounds are maintained. Dog is maintained. Fire-wood and stove are maintained I don’t eat all the food. I don’t over-use electric. No. I “owe” nothing. Including this court shit. I’ve paid MY dues to these strangers. SHIT! Let’s add her “moral support friends”. Where are they this morning? I’m fine. – In other news: this morning I started a bit of a “new page” for the G’s “Juke-box” page. Figuring how to put the “juke-box tags” into table cells. I’ve almost got them configured! Very nice, I hope. Sadly, the reality hit me as I dozed-off this morning: Bernadette knew SO much of the music on the juke-box… she’s taken that with her. It’s up to me now, to remember. And as I thought this morning, standing out back with my smoke:
There were 7 of us… to the best of my knowledge right here and now, only 2 remain: Dennis and I. And I can’t even be certain about Dennis. “They” are gone… and I keep waking up every morning. Yes, I’m resentful.
Time to get back to the morning here. “Peace” will end… all too soon. – 13.05 Sitting here,on the bed, WITH t-shirt, sweater, fleece jacket AND green thermal jacket on AND STILL feeling the COLD! Fucking delight, this bull-shit. – 16.08 Waking from a “nap” of about an hour. Nothing else to do but “nap”… the cold in this room is annoying and almost unbearable. I laid down in FULL dress, with jacket and all, and fell asleep. Depression and cold. Meanwhile, yes, indeed, we ARE having QUITE the snow-fall. I’ve even just taken a little “video” of it. (Will post to soc.med. and perhaps to the Tmbr account… for record.) And now? Back to trying to figure how to put the juke-box labels onto the G’s site. Am having quite the shit-time trying to constrain the cell size! Fuck this WP shit. Normal coding is a snap… I’ve already done a “local” that works. But WP fucks coding. Morons, the lot of them. – A little note here too: I had to count the 107 songs on the list about 5 times before I could get a full count. I CAN’T keep count any more! My brain is shutting-down! I WISH the “respiratory” centre would go first. Just stop breathing… take a “nap” and…. – “Because I’m still in love with you, I wanna see you dance again.” Maybe if I try, I’ll convince myself that, after this, we’ll all be together again… dancing into Eternity… at G’s. Saturday nights of dancing, Sunday mornings of breakfasts… into Eternity. –
Jacquie court
retunred at almost NOON!
Snow began at about 11.30
Tuna sand lunch
I worked on the G’s juke with labels (ALMOST got it after SO MUCH WORK)
Shovelled the back walk 2 ft easy snow and more coming
no dinner – not hungry (well hungry but it’s digusting to even think about it)
Don’t now if Jacquie ate
she went to bed 21.30 no word
FUCK IT ALL

Wed.15.Mar: 2.20 And the snow is still falling, blustring and all sorts of being all over the place! There’s an EASY 2 feet if not 3 out there already. And it’s not expected to stop until some-time later today! “Stella”… Winter storm. How appropriate, considering 31 years ago today… 31 years ago. It’s certainly sped by. 31 years… And just a bit ago, I happened to find, on-line, some traces of Speedy! Posts to the Record on-line, discussing Newburgh. On one of them, there was an e-mail address! So… I proceeded to compose quite a little “ditty”, in the ridiculous hope that the e-mail address (from 2006) was still valid and that I’d reach Speedy through it. I typed, composed, put my thoughts and emotions and current state of “being” into it and when done, I clicked “SEND”. I had the opportunity to “review” the message and so I did AND as I did came the response: No such address. Nah… I really didn’t expect it all to work well. But I tried. – And now… I suppose again, I should “try” to get a nap. I don’t believe I’ll put on my jammies tonight… and make it a “nap”… 5 hours should be fine. WTF? Not eating. Not sleeping properly. I truly am at a juncture where I seriously just do NOT give a shitting fuck. I’m tired… in OH! so many ways. – (I’ll have to try and catch-up with yesterday’s non-events at some time later.) – 8.45 Yes… 8.45 and awake again. Snow still falling. The Subaru is completely, and I do mean COMPLETELY GONE! It truly is beautiful out there. It HAS to be AT LEAST a metre… I’d venture a guess to OVER a metre deep. Perhaps a bit later I’ll run out for photos. – Ms.J. is in the kitchen, making her coffee. Ms.Hallie went out, Ms.J. shovelled a bit of the back walk (which is covered again, of course) to the drive. The snow’s too deep for Ms. Hallie to go romp’n’frolic in so there’s a good measure of it. – Me? I’m back to the 107 “tunes” on the juke-box today. I always manage to keep myself “occupied”… it helps to avoid the reality of… Shit-hole. – And oh… 31 years ago. Gee. To think: The other 3 walked out of the house and into fully furnished and functional homes. THEN came the “inheritances” from their mother AND the inheritances from their “father”… not to mention all the holidays and such when they received their gifts of cash. Me? A life-time of bull-shit… or nothing. And THEY sit in judgment of me! How convenient. for them. FUCK IT ALL! Thank you and have a nice day. – 13.23 Rather quite very tired but the snow is beginning to let up and there’s a bit of shovelling I’d like to get done (for my enjoyment and photo-taking AND to avoid listening to the whining if it doesn’t get done). So… no time to nap now. – Meanwhile, the basic “table”/chart for the new juke-box page is rolling along. Links to be added and a few minor tweaks and TahDah…. I hope. Seems almost useless… since almost ALL of *US* are gone. But… serves nicely as a memorial to *ALL* and *EVERYBODY*. (It’s killing me off nicely though… thinking of how alone I truly am now.) – 21.57 IN BED AND TONIGHT… SHOWERED! Good news: “Stella” has left the area. Better news: the car and truck are shovelled out (and Burt plowed the drive… and half of the briars along-side the phone shed… the moron). Best news: I’m showered, but only because after 2,5 hours o shovelling, I came in wet from sweat, into a COLD house and the chill went to my bones! A hot shower helped tremendously though AND this evening, I ate a good dinner of carrots, mashed potato and a beef-mushroom dish. AFTER, Jacquie made “sugar on snow”! Quite yummy, indeed. So I’ve eaten well for tonight. AND, I’m clean! Amazing. – Also, to note: There are 2 more packs of smokes in the cup-board. Here I was thinking that I’ll never get any cash into the account. Maybe… just maybe… I can still hope. But it IS rather sweet of Jacquie. I’ve been thinking that she was exchanging the cash for the smokes. In other words: The money she said she was giving me for all the Shomali work wasn’t at all, rather, it was in place of her getting smokes. Seems (for now), I was wrong. And I appreciate the smokes… especially since I’m running out. – Anyway, the day is over, the storm is passed, the vehicles are cleared. – My back is a bit sore. But hopefully nothing serious. It took me MUCH longer than I expected to get only a “clearing” of vehicles, nothing like I’d have liked to done. I AM… “getting OLD”! – Tomorrow poor Jacquie has to be on the road at 7.30. SO EARLY! But for me? My “week-end” commences sooner… peace.. I hope. – I got a bit ore work on the Juke-Box page done this morning too. It’s pretty good (not perfect) on the blog. AND I thought of another tune that should be on the list: To Know Him Is To Love Him. I barely recall hearing it on the juke box. But I’m sure it had to be there… it’s appropriate to the place. Maybe one day, before I die an the blog lays to rest, somebody will come out of the nether to “help”. I won’t count on it, since I don’t know who’s left of the 9 of us. But… we shall see. And, maybe somebody ELSE will come forward. Even that would be welcome… SOMEBODY who KNOWS the place! Of course, anybody who was “legal” in 1973 would be my age now… and from the looks of the obits… well…I can’t “hope” too deeply, but I’ll keep an open heart mean-while. – Hey! Happy 31st Name Day to ME! 31 years ago… FUCK! The world has gone by. Now if only it would be “gone… bye”.

Thu.16.Mar: 7.52 Ogod Ogod Ogod… keeps repeating in my head (and, because the house is empty, aloud as well). Jacquie’s just left at 7.25. I was awake at 7.00 but opted for staying in the bed, and out of the way. But now, I’m up and the full “morning routine” is complete, even to re-starting the stove in the kitchen. Why the stove? Habit, I suppose. And it is a bit on the crisp side this almost clear morning. Outside, the land-scape is quite lovely. So much snow all about. And the early morning sun is rather nice. But there’s this “weight” on me. Another morning of wondering why I’m out-living the rest. Mum was the fortunate one. Gone early, before the rest. When you find yourself alone in the world… it just never goes away, the weight of it all. And wondering how and why it is that you got punished. And it is a punishment, indeed. – The back’s a bit on the “tight” side this morning. But nothing to stop a daily routine. And there are “things” that can, should, ought to be done. “Things” that will be done. Just “things”. “Things” to occupy time. More time. How much? I don’t know. But at this particular moment, any is too much. – Good-morning heart-ache… here we go again. – 12.01 New Juke-Box page is posted, up, running! What next? – 13.16 Kitchen floor swept. News. 2 molasses rolls for lunch and this little room is as toasty as can be… I brought the electric radiator in this morning and it’s actually almost just slightly over “warm enough”. BUT… I’m NOT going to turn it off (unless the wall outlet heats up)! let the walls and ceiling warm enough to hold some heat and then… maybe. – What a relief to know that G’s blog is quite current! Now I have to get it all local again. But that’s fine. The important issue is that it’s on-line and running along. – I need a nap right now… Truly… a nap. – 22.11 From 13-15.00… I “napped”. Set the alarm for some 30 minutes and… there you have it. So much for this day. But… in spite of the grog and slowness of the “nap”, I did manage to get out to the store for more pasta, soda, ice cream. And learnt that the smokes were bought whilst I was shovelling. “Oh, that’s why she came in an bought cigarettes. She left here with 2 packs yesterday.” says “Patty” when I mentioned that I’d shovelled and Burt plowed. Well then… there we all have it. No lives, these people. Anyway, I came in, ate last night’s left-overs and went out and shovelled the back walk cleaner and made a nice path from walk to drive so that Jacquie can take her usual short-cut when she goes to the PO. It was fun, but it took a toll on my back. I need to address this. Now, it’s more likely because I haven’t actually done much “work” in so many months. I’m pushing myself into “old”… and fat. – Oh, and again… I burnt the tea kettle… had enough water in it but left it there whilst I napped. I’m getting to be like the rest of them here… and that’s actually frightening! – This morning, I brought the oil radiator into the little room and put it on. WELL! It’s actually a tough TOO warm in here tonight, between that and the thermostat up to 65F. But I’m leaving it this way… too warm… to warm the walls and ceiling at the very least. It won’t last long, but it’s a far cry from laying here in the bed, freezing. Shit. And I didn’t put much into the stove all day. In fact, I just put in some wood for over-night. Hopefully it’ll last for embers in the morning. That’s all I’m going for now… to maintain embers until… I decided that Saturday night will be wood-stacking. That way the wood won’t be so dry and won’t burn so quickly. Hey! Truth is, it’s got to last through April. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here freezing whilst she’s in and refusing to put the thermostat up at all. Nope. Won’t do it. It’s been almost 6 years of this bull-shit… no more. Sleeping on a cot in the dew. Sleeping on the wet grass in the park in Jericho. Walking round from place to place in the cold with precious little in the way of jackets. Fuck it! Time to draw the line. And all the while, surrounded by retards. I mean, I’m just in from last smoke and looking over at Nr.172 thinking of how many months they’re getting FREE housing AND FREE electric and me? I get a note tacked to a door and I’m out. Fuck this shit! Not to mention, Jacquie could have this matter settled already… but … like the rest… too retarded and too fucking lazy. Nope. I’m not going to put up with it any longer. I’ve lost my dream because of this shit… Edgemont. Fuck them all! One way or another… I’ll be comfortable. – To that: I’ve come to realise that I will be going back to NY NOT to “live until I die” but simply to DIE. Out-right. Warm weather. Good conditions. 2017. Nice year. – On that note, there was a 17.00 message. Jacquie got to her class alright and was only JUST getting to work at 17.00. I don’t know the particulars, but I sent a quick note back… nicey me. – Now? A quick run through the boring soc.meds. and to sleep.. SLEEP! (I FUCKING HOPE!) – HEY HEY HEY! AT LEAST G’S IS ON-LINE AND LOOKING QUITE WELL!

Fri.17.Mar: 9.10 And another “late” morning. Brilliant sun-shine. 22F on the porch. And last night’s message from Mme.: I didn’t put any wood in the stove because it wasn’t cold. No… of course it wasn’t. But, no doubt, when you got to class and all week-end, it will be MUCH warmer where you are. No prob. The little radiator in the little room is keeping it rather cozy in here now. I must remember this. As for the stove here? I put enough in there last night to keep it going and this morning… nothing. The wood was “damp”. It didn’t even smoulder. Alas. But the thermostat is up and the place is “comfy”-ish. – As for today? I don’t really know. Perhaps a call to Champlain. I’ve one more telephone number for Dennis. Maybe I’ll try that. We shall see. Or… maybe I’ll “nap” it away. We’ll know at day’s end. It’s only Friday. – 21.52 Believe it or not… SHOWERED and in bed! Nice! – GREAT NEWS OF THE DAY:
THE “MEMORIAL” PAGE IS ON G’S! WITH THE NAMES (AS COMMENTS). HOPEFULLY THEY’RE “SEARCHABLE”. IT’S A NICE RELIEF. (Now, hopefully, I won’t be adding Dennis to the list too soon… unless, of course, he’s in any kind of incurable pain and misery.) It’ll be interesting to see if anybody else participates and who. It’s got 91 “hits”. I wonder how many of those are me. But still… I can hope (stupid as I am).
On the bad side: I’ve fucked my computer mouse. Between the lap-top freezing and the mouse fucking up, I slammed it a bit on the boxes that I use as a lap-board and it stopped clicking. Well, I got it to click again, now it won’t track. Thankfully there was one in Jacquie’s computer cabinet (that I salvaged). I don’t much care of this other one, but it’s better than the touch-pad. And with my hands and fingers going these days… – In other news, no call from or to Champlain. No word. No word from Edgemont. These chances are dying! But tomorrow, I’ll try Champlain again. Hey! It’s where I wanted to be in the first place so I’m going to have to FIGHT for this… as I’ve had to fight for everything else in life. Edgemont? Dead. No doubt. Probably the association of the Woodhauler blog and soc.med. account. If that’s the case, better I’m NOT there… in the cradle of another shit-head Lib. – Speaking of which, I’ll note that, for a self-proclaimed Conservative and Republican, I swear Jacquie behaves and thinks more like a Liberal Democrat. It’s the “entitled” bit. Oh well… – And, ONE MORE NOTE: The railing that I’d put round the hollyhocks in the back yard? BUSTED! Burtie plowed right into it and there was a post in a snow-bank… with the bottle that holds it to the stake, still attached. MORE busted shit. I “mentioned” it to Jacquie in a message today with a “Well, ’twas good whilst it lasted. I wonder who’ll repair it. LOL LOL LOL LOL!!!” Fuck it. Like everything else in this state for the past 5-plus years: No appreciation for the labours of others… Just whine about their miserable lot in life (self-created). – Now… 20.02 with the thump thump boom boom rolling along up-stairs, time to try for some rest. POOR HALLIE IS LAYING ON THE FLOOR IN THE HALL-WAY OUT-SIDE THE LITTLE ROOM TONIGHT. Fear of being alone, or because of the noise in “her” room. Fucking stupid shits in this fucking shit-hole of a state. NO fucking respect for ANYTHING nor ANYBODY! – No sense in getting worked-up about it though… nothing will ever be addressed, never mind… “changed”… And if there’s “change”… only for the worse. – No fire in the stove today but the thermostat is still up and the little radiator is still running in the room.. and it’s delightfully warm in here again tonight.

Sat.18.Mar: 8.12 Not as bad as 9 or 10.00 I suppose. “Morning routine” is rather done, coffee, smoke, etc. And now? Time for a nap. I could really go right back to sleep. But I won’t. Even Ms. Hallie isn’t up and about yet. But soon, I’d suspect. – Agenda du jour? Telephone calls. Champlain and the one last number I have for Dennis. It’s interesting: There are many Dennises on the Internet. Hooduhthunkit? But, one more telephone number in my collection. Odd… I really don’t know what I’d say when I found him. Oh well… Another matter of: We’ll see… when we do… IF we do. – For now… let’s let this day roll along. No doubt, there will be SOMETHING done before the sun sets again. Something… – 18.45 and a BEAUTIFUL SUNNY DAY! Accomplishments? Well… for starts, I’m using MY mouse again. Yes, I repaired it. I don’t know for how long. But it’s working. How about DAT? – Fire-wood is stacked in the kitchen and there’s a week’s-worth left in the garage (at the rate Madame burns the shit). Laundry is begun in the washer as I type. – I tried that last number for Dennis. Answering machine picked-up again. HOWEVER…
I TALKED WITH JOHN IN CHAMPLAIN TODAY!!! Seems there’s quite a bit of work to be done on the old house over there, particularly interior. Painting, plastering, and the likes. 2,5 acres, the Victorian with a “Mother-In-Law” and small “cabin” on the property. No landscaping. But they have a garden. He has THREE KIDS who “live” in the house, but his parents have a place in Ohio and Arizona and they come “visit” once a year. (His Mum had an “elderly” lady live-in to “clean”, but they need somebody who can do a bit more.) They spend 3 weeks round Christmas at the house too. But the chat today went very well. Says John, his parents will want to talk with me. So… We shall see. BUT… I’m thinking: It’s a beginning and it gets me out of VT and BACK to NY and closer to the ADK! Shit… I’m not thinking in terms of too long anyway. But it’s a fresh, new spark of something… ESCAPE! And I’ll say NOTHING to ANYBODY about it here this time. AND I’ll see to it that I do ALL I can to keep Madame OUT of this trip. I told him that he’d be more than welcome to come by and see the place here to see what I’ve done… I’ll see to it that it’s on a week-end… or when she’s on a road trip. He’s in no particular hurry at the moment. The snow storm helped there. NOW I HAVE TO GET THE SUBARU RUNNING AND ROAD-WORTHY… AT LEAST FOR A ONE-WAY TO NY!
Other than that.. it was another wasted day, over-all. I just don’t want to do anything any more. And not because of today’s phone chat. I just don’t want to be “bothered” and “bothered” is exactly what it all boils-down to round here. I mean… it’s been a LOT of YEARS of “doing” only to have things destroyed in one way or another and I’m fed-up with it all. – Anyway, I’m going to post this to the on-line Journal now and back Journals to the Seagate now. G’s is caught-up for now… Time to get back-ups… Why? Just on account of because. It would be nice to “take them with me.” – I can’t believe it’s already 18.56. The sun hasn’t gone over the hills yet and there’s still day-light out there… as the ice and snow melt away. Time… Time to get the fuck out of and away from this shit-hole. –

Sun.19.Mar: 0.05 I’ve got about 5 minutes on the washer. Just out of the shower. On the bed waiting for the spin cycle to end. AND… NOT in the best of moods or mind-sets. On my smoke before showering, out-side, I thought: I “ask” for “help”… to the fucking sky! WHAT kind of “Special Retard” am I? THE FUCKING SKY! I’ve worked ALL my fucking life away for others, to make THEM comfy, happy, etc. And ME? Ah… this evening I recall how, when I told Jacquie about being beaten when I was a child… SHE FUCKING CHUCKLED! YEP! THAT’S WHAT IT’S *ALL* ABOUT! FUCK! So no… NOT in a happy mood right now. Nice way to end one day and begin another. Let’s add the fact that here, this week-end, I’ve had to SNEAK FUCKING HEAT! SNEAK to turn the thermostat up. SNEAK to bring the heater into the room. So that I’m not sitting here chilled through to the bone! FUCK THAT! REALLY! Well… right now, there’s a fire in the stove and the heater’s in the room. The thermostat is back DOWN to 60F and the rest of the house is chilled. FUCK IT! We shall, indeed, see. – Meanwhile, I posted a heart-breaker on fesses-book inviting all to the G’s site. I “mentioned” that Halloween night of going to G’s bleeding. THIS should be interesting to see… the response/reaction. The “Truth” will be seen by Dorothy, Debbie and Brian… if not Tim as well. I’m living long enough to tell the “secrets”. AND… should the opportunity present, the “Truth” about the other 3 will be told as well. I’m at the end of my wits, my time, my patience… my TIME! – So be it. – That said, I’ve got some more work to do on the local G’s site… I’ve up-dated THIS Journal on the local up to yesterday. Then a back-up. I tried backing G’s to the external but it stalled just copying to the desk-top! Music again. So, I’ll up-date the “Posts” later and then go for the back-up. Hey, it gives me something more to occupy my time whilst Ms. Chuckles is in. At last this week is another “Staff Meeting”… I think. More bull-shit and boo-hoo about having to work so fucking hard. Whine about work? Vermont. Typical. – Right now I know that I have to FIGHT for Champlain. It might not be “perfect” but it’s in NY and NOT here! – And that said… the wash is in the dryer. The fuck-trash twats are still pounding about. I’m going to sneak out (SNEAK A-FUCKING-GAIN!) for a smoke. – Poor Hallie’s been so rather “down” today. I don’t pay her enough attention, I suppose. I DO feel bad, to a point. But HEY! She’s NOT alone all week-end any more. Still… she’s such a sweet love and obviously loves me too. Later today (at some late hour of her own convenience of course) her “Mommie” comes back… to ignore her through the week. THAT’S rather interesting to see as well. “I have to work to keep this home for Hallie.” You’re SO transparently full of shit! – Oh well… – Fucking fuck this shit. Smoke time! And then? I don’t know. I’ve had one drink earlier… I’m a little weary but not tired any longer… and I have to be awake to get the floors done in the morning. Oh well… – 0.27 Just checked to see about a reply to my “report” sent to Jacquie… It disappeared! I sent it via my e-mail from her lap-top. Well! FUCK ME THERE TOO. Just sent her a quick message… woke her up? Don’t give a fuck. – 9.10 The 8.00 alarm sounded and I did NOT want to get out of the bed, never mind, open my eyes. But… it’s another day so… – The fire is re-started, Hallie’s had breakfast, I’ve had coffee, Hallie’s had morning “business”, I’ve had coffee and loo. I’m dressed. The radiator is back in the pantry (no “evidence”) and I’m just waiting for the circulation to commence. Then? The floors and… nothing but what-ever *I* want to do with this morning… like get the “Posts” posted to the local G’s. – G’s… another morning begins with G’s. Odd… but sometimes the “reality” of it all comes in, grabs my heart and PULLS! Why doesn’t it just pull enough to stop all of this? – Thought this morning: Champlain… “We’ve bought a small farm in Alburgh and will be moving over to there.” So the gig at the house in Champlain will be to get it to where it can be sold out from under me after all the world is done… (again… typical… common). Well, all told, that’s fine because, well… truth is, I don’t see me “being” for much longer anyway. 2017 is a “nice” year, and I never DID see me ever collecting on any of my own Social Security. – On an aside, I wonder what, if any, comments have been made in reply or response to my fesses-book post of this morning/last night. Oh well… it’s there. As I’ve thought on several occasions: I’m living just long enough to get the “Truth” out about what happened in that house where everybody thought everything was so “perfect”. I used to say that I’d like to exhume the remains and snap his bones in my bare hands… I suppose this is the next best thing. – Nice way to begin a sunny, cool, brilliantly snow-covered, North Country morning. I wonder… will it ever stop? Before I’m dead, I mean. – Time to roll… check the weather and such and get the floors done. – 24.12 I’ve been in bed from since about 21.45. – Jacquie got back at about 16.30 today. Had gone to Costco, of course. I could have gotten food for the house, but there’s no talking to her and I’m no longer in the mood. I simply said “I’ve got 30 years of tax refunds to spend.” and let it go at that. (Though, she DID bring 2 more packs of smokes and a bag of smokes from a reservation in NY that a co-worker gave her. 13$/carton. But they taste “perfumed”. Strange. Oh well… I was thought of. Imagine that.) And right in the door, she made the lamb shank with asparagus and rice. She was hungry. Me? I’ve been a little “nauseated” all day. And, of course, stuffing the stove with wood… un-necessarily but… Now I know how to keep ME warm on the week-ends… thermostat and little radiator. I’ll be cold for the rest of the week though (am even now). – After dinner a bit of TV and I in the room, browsing and shit. – BUT… as for the OTHER part of the day… I got the floors done by about 10.30 and with a lot of trouble with the MP3 for “Woman To Woman”, I FINALLY got the LN and G’s locals onto the external drive! Complete! Quite happy about that. Now it will be up-dates…. They took a LOT longer than I’d thought. But they’re done! – Emptied the ash buckets. Had to shovel some paths to get to the pines and one for the “kitty in the barn”. Kitty got food again today, and I saw him/her. Shy little thing though, as they are. – This evening, I put in a request for “Memorialising” Bernadette’s fesses-book page. I figure it’ll be “held” now if they do that. Looked for Speedy… I think I found him… some Pastor or something. So I didn’t send a message. – All the photos and such of Dennis that I’d managed to grab from a point in time from his FB page are GONE! Profile and all! No posts on the account either. I wonder… I truly wonder. And yet, there are no death notices or obits for him. Although I DID stumble upon David Scurry of all people. He’s in Louisiana these days… recently turned 62… imagine that! But I don’t know if I dare send a message to him. One of these days… perhaps… hopefully before it’s all (again) too late. – And the mouse is still working. I’m rather proud of that little accomplishment. – Other-wise, I think I’ll go for a last smoke. I’ve a gut feeling tomorrow’s (today?) going to be a bit “rough”… Rick will probably come to “paint” and Ms. Jacquie’s all into getting seeds started for the garden already. I’m just praying to get the fuck out of and away from here before all the shit really gets rolling! – 24.24 (No sense starting another day… yet.) I’m not tired again… a bit hungry though. Oh well… Nothing new. – Oh… and there were 3 “likes” on the FB notice about G’s blog? NO new traffic to the site. They’re all still the same there.

Mon.20.Mar: 8.01 Nothing says “trash” like the banging of little twats at 7.30 in the morning. – Anyway… I’m up dressed, “routine” done and another day commences. Sunny, crisp. And the fire-wood is disappearing faster than snow on a Summer day. None of my business. – I woke with the 7.00 alarm and dozed ’til 7.47. – Very wondering what happened to Dennis’s FB page. Everything is gone. Very odd. But nothing in obituaries… yet. It makes me wonder: how did I find it before? Very strange, indeed. Oh well. – And now to figure something to occupy this day, stay out of the way, out of trouble and confrontation and conflict. “Normal”. Alas. – It’s not the pains of person in the morning. It’s simply the pain of being awake and aware. Oh, one day… one day… one day. – 18.00 At about 17.00, Ms. Hallie came to tell me that it was “dinner time” and so, she got her dinner and we stepped out for a ‘moke. (I’d just gotten up from a nap.)
TWO ROBINS IN THE BACK-YARD!!! YES. TWO… ROBINS. ON THE FIRST DAY OF “OFFICIAL” SPRING.
And there you have it. – Meanwhile… I RE-FOUND Dennis’s FB page! (Including the URL here for safe-keeping):
https://www.facebook.com/people/Dennis-Nixon/100004057870906
There are TWO pages for him but he’s not listed on the NFA Memorial page so…. My searching continues. – In other topics: It looks to be another “No Eating” day. My doing. The very thought of eating is making me rather nauseated. This after-noon, we DID have a “CONFLICT”!!!!! Of COURSE we did! I was a tad bit hungry at about 13.00 and yet, not… The “not” is, I know, primarily because of depression, but still. So, a la Ida Guadagno, the “list” commenced: This, that, those, these, other things there, here, what, some, no, no thank you, not really, no, no, NO! NOT LISTENING! So I just HAD to tell: If this is how you were with Cecil, I DO understand why you two had such arguments. “You’re and only child, aren’t you?” She nodded repeatedly. Yep… the world is YOU YOU YOU and you won’t listen to anybody else about anything other than what goes on in your mind, your own world. I had a tea. She had some kind of pasta. The she baked a chocolate cake and made some icing. She had a piece after lunch. No cooking tonight unless I do my own. Honestly? Truth is, the thought of eating IS turning my stomach. I know I should eat something, but in all sincerity, the thought of eating is making my stomach sour. – Oh well… – I’m tired. But I’ve begun the re-build of “DeadArtist”! YAY! Another “local” bit. One of these days I’ll figure how to get them ALL together, one place.. But I have to find a place where their existence won’t depend on monthly charges and the likes. I shall look round… when I get them ALL the way I want them to be. (The locals will be better than the blogs… indeed.) – Ms.Jacquie is snoozing on the recliner. Has been for a while now. And I’m going back to my “coding”. At least I still have that and that ability. (Fucking shame I can’t “monetize” it. Fuck me anyway.) –

TO BE CONTINUED (On Tue. night… I guess not because I don’t remember what I wanted to add… My brain is turning to shit.)

Tue.21.Mar: 0.46 DID IT! TEMPLATE FOR DEAD ARTIST IS DONE AND WORKING AND LOOKING QUITE GOOD! LEARNT MORE ON CODING TOO! TRANSPARENT BACK-GROUND COLOURS FOR TABLES! AND ALL SORTS OF OTHER CODES! I AM THRILLED! (Now… to turn this into CASH! FUCK!) – 8.32 Lights out at 2.00. Up and rolling at 8.00. And by 7.00, of course, the “house” was in motion. Oh well. – Light flurries (flocons) this morning. Quite nice. It won’t stop the mayhem that will, undoubtedly, follow. But … let the choir sing: “here we go again”. – I’m rather “tickled” this morning, at having learnt the new coding this morning. Old shit, that I am. So we’re back to DeadArtist! And moving on. (For some reason though, the LoupNordique pages aren’t functioning. I have THEM to “repair” as well. Always a little something. No prob. Occupation.) – However, I shall report: Again, this morning, I feel like shit. – 22.20 In bed! EXHAUSTED! HALF of the white room is cleaned… A-FUCKING-GAIN! i HIT IT AT ABOUT 14.30 and worked at it until about 18.00. HALF! The porch is a mess! Meanwhile, Ms. had her “Andrew” over and he brought more vegetable seeds than most stores carry! He seems pleasant enough. We were introduced. His hand-shake is “limp”. Funny, but I do judge those. (Married… he had to leave to get his wife.) Anyway, as I hear it, he’s never done gardening on this scale before. I “jokingly” mentioned the work involved. (Later, Jacquie said she was afraid that I was going to scare him out of it. Oh well… Me? I’ve a feeling he’ll bail at some point. But… none of my business. I’m looking at “June”.) That said, the kitchen table is COVERED with seed packets tonight… so much so that Jacquie too her burger in the recliner. – Tomorrow morning, Rick comes back to “paint” the hall… same colour as the loo. Oh well. And no, it’s not included in the *** 1000$ *** he’s already been paid. Imagine? She actually has the audacity to tell me “People don’t work for nothing anymore these days.” Oh yeah? OK. Never mind. But he’ll be in first thing in the morning, no doubt. Andrew will be back on Thursday. Charmed. – And so… Ms. went off to some local “meeting” this evening. 17-21.00. I Hoovered… the white room, the hall, the little room and as much in the kitchen as the cord would reach. Ms. put some seeds in to start today. They’re up in the plant room, soil all over the kitchen. On that matter, I said I’d Hoover to where the cord will reach. Response? “There are more outlets.” FUCK YOU. – And so, I had a bowl of yoghurt today and a few teas. Had a beer with Ms. as she had her burger. Hungry? Yeah. But not hungry enough I suppose. Still, food is making me ill. (Not to mention, I really should shed some of this weight… for my back.) – And so, Ms. has just gone to bed. There are dishes in the kitchen I didn’t do them. I thought I’d shower before bed tonight but I’m just too damned tired. She’s got a “staff meeting” tomorrow. I can shower and maybe wash clothes then. What-ever. – Now? QUICK browse on soc.med. and HOPEFULLY SLEEP! I’ve had it with this day.

Wed.22.Mar: 0.45 and another night where fatigue is replaced by insomnia. Fuck me! – And it’s snowing. – Just off off fesses-book. I post… no replies. Normal. I re-post, Kristie replied. I don’t respond any longer. Oh well. – Time to try for a nap. Busy day in this hole today. – 8.24 and the SNOW is falling and has fallen… all through the night. – At about 0.30 I finally put the light out, got under the “sleeping bag” and… CHEST PAIN! Something like “gas”, in the centre of the chest, radiating out-ward to the shoulders. Lung? Heart? What-ever it was it kept me from falling asleep for about 30 minutes. And then… next thing, the 6.00 alarm. I felt almost rather well-rested, but rolled over until the 7.00 at which point I felt well-rested and dozed until 8.00. Woke to… a full ground cover of snow. – Morning “routine” and Ms. is not in good spirits this morning. (Having her bacon and eggs as I type.) “Tired of this.” snow. Alas dearie. I keep saying “April”. But never mind me. And I don’t give a shit. – And so, up, get dressed and roll. ’tis the way it is. – Plans for the day? A little more work on the DeadArtist local. I have to re-do the LoupNoridque local as well. There’s the other half of the white room to attend. And Ms. is off to “staff meeting” at some point. Perhaps at round 11.00 until… She’s in no rush to return. – Thought: says she, 1300 per month on this place. I believe that’s the mortgage. Rounded, 300 for electric is 1600. 800 from the twats leaves 800. And I wonder how much she makes working, considering the 2400 she owes in taxes. Anyway, as I continue to believe: Only child, used to having things attended, running round as she please, and now whining because the world isn’t at beck and call. Alas, alas, and woe. Oh my. Oh well. – And now to check the weather and such until… – Another day… another day… another day. – 12.39 In the little room… since about 10.30 or so. Rick is out in the hall, painting and talking with/to him-self. I’ve got the door closed. I’d started to clean the other half of the white room this morning, but, as it is round here… “other plans” had been arranged and as I was cleaning, Rick opened old pain cans, spilling onto the floor, Madame went strutting back and forth and in and out and such, repeating “I don’t know.” and “Maybe I’ll need another quart of that.” and such bull-shit. So… I managed to get a few things dusted off, shelves and Shomali-shit and when I realised that I was NOT going to be able to continue, because it made NO sense to clean whilst others were fucking about, I left the white room and came to the little room to work some more on DeadArtist (which is becoming quite the night-mare). – Ah… at the beginning of all the cluster-fuck, Madame tells Rick “He’s not going to be too happy.” meaning me. I made it most abundantly clear: “Pay no attention to my presence. I’m not here. It’s not my house, not my property, not my concern. I don’t give a shit. Please note, in ink.” Well… Madame is gone. Rick is in the hall-way. Hallie is some-where about the place. At one point, Rick said that it was “warm” in here and I’m presuming that the heat’s been turned down, the stove’s been stifled. And out-side, the wind is whipping and its quite “crisp”. Yep… I’m on NO consequence. So… I’m responding in kind. I’m of NO consequence… therefore, neither is anybody or anything else. It’s time for “Shut-Down”. Madame’s an “only child”, used to having OTHERS bail her sad arse out of shit. Used to doing as she damned-well please (JEEZ! ANOTHER MARGOT!) and to fucking Hell with everybody and everything other than “SELF”. Perhaps this is a lesson I need to learn, to take to heart and put into practise… before I “kick off”. So be it. – Meanwhile, indeed, I can feel the “cold” coming into the room. Should it get to be a bit too much, I’ll be out for the radiator. Again… nothing and no-one else matters… When we treat others as they treat us, they find us rude. Fuck “them”. – 24.34 In the room all day. DeadArtist is a MESS! I’m ashamed! Jacquie back at 17.30. Hamburger for dinner. One. Beer. In bed by about 22.00. MUST get some sleep!

Thu.23.Mar: 8.37 and the sunny, clear and crisp morning starts WITH MORE BULL-SHIT!!!! A FUCKING CURSE-FEST! FUCK! AGAIN! WITH THE FUCKING SHOMALI SHIT! SHE DOESN’T LISTEN. SHE DOESN’T GIVE ANYBODY THE COURTESY OF LISTENING! SHE’S OFF IN SOME FUCKING LAND OF DEMENTIA. AND SHE JUST FUCKING “TRIGGERS” THE GUTS! FUCK! NOT EVEN 9.00 AND ALREADY THE FUCKING DAY IS FUCKING HELL! MONTHS OF HELPING. MONTHS OF WORKING TO MAKE HER SHIT EASIER AND FUCK! TELL HER SOMETHING AND SHE’S OFF ON SOME TANGENT OF FUCKING THINGS AROUND. AND THEN? WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER! REALLY! SHE’S UPSET BECAUSE CO-WORKERS ARE ANNOYED BECAUSE SHE REPEATEDLY SAYS “I DON’T KNOW.” YEAH? YOU DON’T? BECAUSE YOU DON’T BOTHER LISTENING TO ANYTHING ANYBODY ELSE SAYS. YOU PISS IN OUR FACES AND SHIT DOWN OUR THROATS AND THEN? BLAME *US*! AND THEN TODDLE OFF ON YOUR OWN TANGENT, BELIEVING THAT THE WORLD IS S FUCK-UP! SPOILED LITTLE SHIT! “I KNOW WHY LUCE TOOK THAT GUN TO YOU! BECAUSE YOU DRIVE PEOPLE TO IT! DO YOUR BEST TO MAKE THE REST OF US FEEL LIKE SHIT!” “THE WORLD ISN’T HATEFUL. WE’RE JUST EXHAUSTED AND EXASPERATED!” GEE, THANKS. FUCK *MY* DAY UP… EVEN BEFORE I’VE HAD COFFEE! FUCK! – JEEZUSFUCKINGKRISTE! – And now it’s MY responsibility to make this day better. Fuck. – Oh look.. one of my last comments above, yesterday: “ANOTHER MARGOT!” Yes… another one. Fuck. ANOTHER ONE! FUCK ME! FUCK MY LIFE! FUCK MY EFFORTS! JUST FUCK! – Moving along… I’ve had my coffee, smoke and now, with the door to the room closed… neck sore as shit from stress (at 8.45)… back into MY little world… There’s a lot of work to be done on DA. – 22.41 In bed. Showered. Delighted. Spent the fucking day cleaning the fucking white room AND YES… DISPOSING OF ALL SORTS OF SHIT! PAPER, PAPERS, ENVELOPES (BOXES OF CECIL’S OLD ENVELOPES FROM VIRGINIA), MAGAZINES, RELIGIOUS MAIL THAT WAS IN THAT ROOM WHEN I PAINTED IT AND MOST OF WHICH WAS NEVER OPENED! OLD LETTERS. PAPER, PAPER AND MORE PAPER. INTO THE STOVE. GONE! FUCK THAT SHIT! AND SOME JUNK SHIT THAT WAS IN A BOX OR TWO. AND THE BOXES WENT INTO THE STOVE AS WELL! GONE! FUCK YOU! I BUSTED MY ARSE CLEANING AND PAINTING THAT FUCKING ROOM! NOT TO HAVE IT TURNED BACK INTO A SHIT-CATCH… NOT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. SO? I TOOK IT UPON MYSELF TO MAKE IT USABLE. AND USABLE IT IS NOW! AND QUITE LOVELY TOO! Started at about 15.30 and finished at about 17.00 or 17.30. Even found some anchors to put the shelf up securely! So fucking there! – “Dinner”? A beer… a cheese sandwich. I’d had the little yoghurt left in the container before getting into the room. Not much. But hey. I’m still moving. Maybe it’ll help me lose some of this FAT. – At about 20.00 I sent a photo of the finished room, in the desk-light, and a brief message to Mme. Also shot her a note saying that since she has a jack in the house, she can get a phone for the living-room… just get a splitter and extension cord. See where THAT shit goes. – Honestly? It fucking pisses me off: ending the day the way it started… pissed the fuck off with this shit and this place and all. And for every day that goes by that I hear nothing at all from Vincent, even a confirmation that I should fuck off, my attitude gets worse. Not to mention, not hearing anything from John. Although, he said he needs to talk with his parents (isn’t that speshul?) and they’ll probably want to talk with and meet me too. But hey… the BEST of THAT is… CHAMPLAIN! I’ve wanted to live in Champlain. (Of course, as I think much of late: I also thought I’d like to live in this house, instead of 5225… Well? Look at this shit!) – It’s all up to me to shake this shit off too. I’m tired of shaking shit off. But… June… Warmer weather and … one way or another. – My neck is beginning to hurt again. It’s this shit, this place, this fuckery. – Time to get to something else. There’s still a lot of work to be done on “DA” and… a bit of time to do so. (Not much beer in the house this week-end though… and not much booze either… I’ll have to scrounge… perhaps I’ll have a drink here, in bed, tonight. FUCK this place!) –

Fri.24.Mar: 1.44 Still awake! And all I can think of is:
I’M GOING INTO TOTAL MELT-DOWN!!!!!!!
I’m talking to my-self… ALOUD! I can’t even hold a thought in my own head! FUCK!
9.31 Delightful… not. Thought I was going to get up by 8.00. Right, then. Oh well. 9.00 it was. 9.00 it is. I slept. Tough shit on the world. – Went out to the kitchen for coffee. It’s a mess. I don’t care. Really. Choice? Leave it as it is and leave the mess and dirt and soil or clean it so that it can never be said that I simply walked away from something I’d done all along… and became “one of them”. If nothing else, the stove will be cleaned. Stacking more wood? I’ll have to ponder that. No sense rushing with that though. Wet wood. Like this past week. Although, that didn’t phase her at all. There’s only about 3 pieces left there as it is. But then again, why shouldn’t she simply burn it all to Hell? After all… it not SHE who hauls it and stacks it. Besides… if I don’t do it, she’ll PAY… somebody ELSE to do it, like the 100$ to the twats for sometimes mowing the lawn and then mowing half-assed and shitty. – 9.42 FUCK AGAIN! Rick… comes trotting in just now. “Did she leave any paint? Yes she did.” “Did she say she wanted the door painted?” I don’t give a fuck or a shit WHAT, if ANYTHING SHE said. “Did she come back yesterday?” Yeah… and pissed my day to fucking Hell. – Oh well… let the day commence. FUCK! – AAAaaand 10.55 The wood-stove is cleaned and set-up for a one-match light. The fucking dishes are done and the sink is clean. Rick is in the hall-way, painting. And I need to take a SHIT! But the painting is being done out-side the loo. The snow is coming down. And generally speaking: I don’t give a fuck about the rest. – Sitting in the parlour now. A little morning soc.med. and then to DA –

Sat.25.Mar: 0.25 AT FUCKING WITS’ END! FUCKING WHORE HAS THE AUDACITY TO “TELL” ME THAT SHE DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE VULGARITIES IN THE HOUSE? FUCK YOU QUNT! UN-APPRECIATIVE QUNT! – MEAL(S) TODAY? 12-PACK OF “TWISTED TEA” AND A PACK OF SMOKES! FUCK YOU, QUNT! – THE WOOD-STOVE IS CLEANED AND SET-UP. FUCK YOU, QUNT! – RICK CAME, PAINTED THE HALL, LEFT THE SWITCH-PLATE OFF AND LEFT “FOR LUNCH”… GONE… FUCK YOU TOO, QUNT. I’M STILL NOT IN A GOOD MOOD.
BUT I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME AND STROLL AND PLAY WITH MS. HALLIE THIS EVENING. WE’VE GOT ANOTHER, AT LEAST 8 INCHES OF SNOW! AND SHE AND I PLAYED IN IT AND HAD A FUCKING BLAST!
WHAT A FUCKING BLEEDING (NOT BLEATING) SHAME OT HAVE SUCH BEAUTY IN THIS FUCKING SHIT-HOLE SEPTIC TANK SURROUNDED BY FAGS, QUNTS, IN-BREEDS, CROSS-BREEDS AND GENERAL RETARDS! KRISTE! I FUCKING HATE THIS PLACE SO MUCH THAT I’D BE HAPPY TO LAY DOWN AND DIE… EVEN HERE… JUST TO ESCAPE IT! – AS FOR “HOUSE-WORK”. I DON’T BELIEVE SO. – I’LL HAVE TO INCLUDE THE “TEXT MESSAGES” TO AND FROM THE QUNT. IMAGINE TELLING ME ABOUT VULGARITIES. UNGRATEFUL, SPOILED, ENTITLED, DELUSIONAL, MISERABLE PIECE OF SHIT! FUCK YOU! – And I begin ANOTHER fucking day wound. FUUUUUUUUUUCK! – 8.03 Didn’t get up at 6.00 to take photos but DID get photos of all the SNOW!!!! INDEED! SNOW!!! INUNDATION!!! Wet snow too. Heavy, wet snow. Stuck on the trees and such. Last night, Ms. Hallie and I went out for a stroll round the house and I took some photos and we played “1,2,3” all round the place. It was “packing” snow last night and now there’s SO MUCH MORE of it! Well? I’ve been saying “We have to get through April.” But, as usual… the cow-fuckers pay it no mind. OK. Never mind. – Feeling NOT at all very well this morning. But, 7 “Twisted Tea” yesterday… 2 cheese sandwiches… Can’t expect anything else. Today has already begun with the “cleansing”. Up, dressed and TO THE LOO! WOOSH! More to follow… I’ve no doubt. – Let’s add to that the fact that VERY FIRST thing this morning… FUCK! That’s the first thought of the day. HELL REIGNS yet again, for another day. It’s misery. First real thought is that the qunt has the fucking nerve to tell ME what will and won’t be in “her” house, but she puts up with all the rest of the shit like that from the Stanhopes, and the fucking banging up-stairs. But ME? Tell ME what she doesn’t like. FUCK YOU! – So anyway… that’s the beginning of this, what could have been a delightful day but doesn’t stand a chance because… it’s here. – Stomach’s “off”. Head’s “off”. Bowels are “off”. The day is “off”. – I don’t dare to ask what the fuck ELSE will come along because I’ve no doubt… there will be SOMETHING MORE to fuck around. – (I wonder if that little shit-bag from up the road didn’t get in touch with the qunt with regard to anything or something I said whilst it was here… painting. Oh yes… by the way… walked out, left the switch-plate off, stuff about the white room. I’m not touching any of it… along with the dirt in the kitchen and such. Nope… The message yesterday… “Thank you for taking care of Hallie.” That’s all you thank me for, that’s all you get. FUCK YOU!) –

I want these recorded… text messages back and forth:
Mar.23, 8:09pm to
(Evening photo of finished and cleaned “white room”.)Busy after-noon. Nice work-space (again), plenty of room to sort out saints and Jesuses.
Ms. Hallie and I are just getting ready for “Surveillance” after much “1,2,3,” with all of the balls we’ve found round the place.
If you stopped buy the Court Clerk today, hopefully the information was helpful and positive.
Good night and “mgmngngnmgng” form Ms. Hallie (who is watching me as I type.)
Mar.23, 8:27pm to
QUick thought:
Since you already have a phone jack, you don’t need a particular brand of phone for the living-room All you need is a jack splitter (a plug that goes into the wall jack with 2 outlets, a 25ft extension line and any phone that will plug into your jack.
Mar.24, 3:14pm from
Good looking room sorry they made such a mess. Did Rich ever come back? Yes I will meet w/ Peter & go to court on Wed.morn. I know it must be very frustrating for you that it doesn’t seem that I’m getting the computer business like I should after all the work you put into it. I am trying. So as you loose it w/ me . I do not need any more profanity in the house also you don’t need to tell it’s all about me you don’t know about my childhood or any of the things I have had to bear in life. I do want yesterday to be the last I hear profanity in the house. Again thank you for taking such good care of Ms. Hallie.
Mar.24, 4:26pm to
Rick came this morning. Painted the walls. Left for “lunch”. No word about return. He said he’s busy over the week-end though.
The room was a mess before “they” worked on the hall. I’m sorry that I misunderstood what you wanted for it when it was cleaned and painted. And the fact is obvious that this is neither my house nor my home. It’s “your” property. Unlike Vermonters and their ilk, I DO understand facts and realities of life, living, law and general existence. Let’s do our best to keep that in mind: I am NOT a “Vermonters” I do not wish to become a Vermonter. My parents, perhaps not perfect but … they did their best to raise well and properly educated, respectful and respectable children… They did NOT invest such effort and energies in raising “Vermonters” or that ilk.
If you have any further difficulties with Shomali work, I strongly recommend that you contact Shomali or somebody who is able to better assist you with your efforts and business where they’re concerned and then we’ll have no repeats of Thursday. Surely Shomali has the staff capable of providing you with all the information and instruction you require. Obviously, my efforts are futile and blatantly worthless. Best you seek more appropriate support else-where. And surely, you’ve got friends and support better equipped to give you computer support and assistance.
I will stick with “Hallie Care”, wood-hauling/stacking, floor cleaning and the likes. You needn’t make any further attempts at putting me in my place as you see fit.
Likewise with your third problematic tenants situation. Understandable that you have a competent attorney attending that situation. Again, no need to “put me in my place”.
Peace.
Mar.24, 4:41pm from
Yes I am sorry I needed more help than most intelegent people do. Well it’s started raining here glad I don’t have to drive to far.
Mar.24, 6:36pm to
(Photo of snow and Hallie)
Cigarettes.
Cheese.
Chocolate raisins.
Yoghurt.
Sitting at table like a human being to have a hot meal.
Shelter from the elements.
A bed to lay on at day’s end.
A place to bathe.
And an old puppy full of love.
Only the top of the list right now.
I just wanted to say, to let you know that I am aware of these, that not one minute of any day goes by when I’m not grateful, not just “thankful”, for them… to you.
And, in retrospect of many years, I’d be a liar if I didn’t say that these are MUCH more than self-proclaimed “friends” have ever offered and given.
I DO know that these are “gifts of the heart”. And to set the records clear: I was raised to appreciate “gifts of the heart” more than anything else.
I just wanted to let you know.
Meanwhile, the snow is STILL falling and the back walk has all but disappeared. “Global Warming” must be happening on another “Globe”. Spring may have sprung on the calendar, but Winter is holding on fast in… The North Country.
Ms. Hallie (as you see) is in her glory! We’re about to head out for evening “surveillance”.
Be warm. Be safe down there.
Mar.25, 7:58pm to
(Photo of newsnow) Quite the sight at 9am but Burt came round to plow, the back steps and walk are perfectly clear and the “Post Office path” is clear to the grass again too. March almost done. April to go. Ms. Hallie and I are getting ready for 8pm surveillance. She had a WONDERFUL time in the snow playing with all the snow-balls We were out til quite late. Came back in drenched, both of us. Tonight will be an early one. I’m sure she’s looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. Weather is expected to be good, clear, not so cold. Wood-stove is set-up and wood stacked in the kitchen.
Safe drive. See you when you arrive.
Mar.25, 9:42pm from
Love the pic of Ms. Hallie but the rest is a little depresssing. Wonder if any seeds have sprouted? One of Eilis’s friend passed she is going to her service 1pm so I said I’de stay tilll she got back so tell Ms. Hallie it will be later when mommy gets home. There is no t.v. Here tonight so I don’t know what went on today. Oh well it’ll be good to hit the sack. I think it’s been qn ok weekend. Pumpkin still isn’t so great we went for a ride down route & as we where getting back she wanted me to drive to my house so who knows maybe next Sat. Well that’s about it for now. See when I drive tomorrow.

23.38 I’m showered. The clothes are in wash. And we wind this day down, wrap it up and hope it to be the last (as if I should ever be so blessed). – Spent the day continuing the travels through my memory and working on re-vamping “DeadArtist”. Recalled a couple of “mile-stones”, like the year the Galleria was built in Middletown and worked at Lechters. That covered the Walker Valley time. Now, to go back even more. With each passing day now, I move one more day farther away from dates and such. I’m on a run-away bus… to a cliff. – But the back walk and the “Post Office path” are shovelled and cleared completely again. How charming and kind of me (the fucktard of Fuklin). At about 14.00, I cooked the last of the pasta that I’d gotten last week-end and had it with the tin of lentils gotten the last time I was taken to market. It was a lot of food for one sitting but I’ll work on it for the next few days anyway. Besides, not eating might help me lose some of this fat and weight. Right. As the water for the pasta boiled, I stacked wood in the kitchen. Just enough to make it appear “stacked”. There’s about another “week’s-worth” left in the garage and then… Oh well. I don’t give a fuck. It’s done. After that… swept the kitchen floor. That’s the extent of the “work” that will be done here, this week-end. Everything else is left as it was on Thursday. I’m not moving nor touching a fucking thing. Even in the white room…. I cleaned, organised, took photos… there’s paint-shit about in there. Nope… not touching that either. Fucking entitled shits round here. I’m NOT cleaning after somebody else’s fucktards. – Got a reply on fesses-book from that woman I sent a message to about Dennis. She referred me to another woman… in Balston Spa! Said she, her-self, hasn’t been in touch with Dennis in over a year, but the other one keeps in touch with him. The Balston Spa woman, according to her “bio”, works with “troubled” people. I wonder. But I sent her the same text that I’d sent to the first. We shall see. Now I wonder: Do I really want to know what’s going on? I rang that last phone number on my little list. The answering machine picked-up. Message box full. So, unless somebody picks up… can’t even leave a message. Do I truly want to know? Sure. If nothing else… there’s my resolve for June. – Over-all, and over ALL, I’m STILL in a REALLY SOUR mood, mind-set and such about all this shit round here of late… Of late? The entire past 5-plus years. Fuck. I can’t seem to shake the bitterness, anger. Fucking hate…. just HATE of it all… ALL!!!! And I expect some sort of bull-shit to follow. So of course… it will – 23.47 a CIVIL message fm the Loon! She’ll be even later than usual tomorrow. Covering fro a co-worker. Good. I won’t get up early.

Sun.26.Mar: 9.31 Heard the 8.00 alarm. Turned it off. Dozed until 9.00 on this sunny morning. And… I don’t give a shit.
DREAM:
I was in 5225, had to run to the general store and move the Subaru. So I drove over, parked it out front, went in, got the few items I needed and went back to the house. As I stepped into the front door, the state police arrived. One parked behind the Subaru so that it was blocked. Another pulled beside, driver’s side. This one got out and proceeded to start writing tickets or something. I stood looking-on, and, of course, there was nothing I could do about the situation at this point. I feared they’d tow the car, so I decided to walk over, tell the cops that it’s my car and accept the tickets and fines and what-ever else was to come. No insurance, registration, inspection. I knew it was about to cost me a fortune. But, better to have the car than to have them confiscate it. – This is what I woke from.
Nice beginning to a day. – Meanwhile, last night, acid reflux. This entire situation here is taking a harder toll. – This morning? Hoover this room and … call it a day. I’m NOT going to put myself out. There’s something “not right” lurking in the air. But Mme. won’t be back until late this after-noon. Oh well… – 22.17 In bed. MADE IT through the day. Mme. sent the message that she’d be working until 13.00 today. Well… 14.30 and in she rolls. She didn’t work. Said she “wasn’t really needed” so she left. Ah… but oh well. And she DID bring 2 packs of smokes and a container of yoghurt. Kind. And it was as if the week-end never happened. Good thinking, on her part. I’m working on 77 pages of DeadArtist comments (again!) and so, that’s what I did. I stayed in the room until Hallie came to get me. I’m the “hired help” and that’s how I’m going to be from now on. Keep “in my place”. It works that way. I did watch some TV in the living-room. But not too much. Keep to myself. – And yes, another day of not really eating. A roll with butter (whilst Mme. snoozed), a tea and a few chocolate raisins. Good thing I have 20lbs to use here. – This evening, I got an itch in my thigh and she mistook it for a cramp. I told her that I get “itches” but because the thighs are “dead” (from the back injuries), I can’t simply scratch them, I have to dig deep. Moe came into the chat. I told her (again) how PT and the COC gave him up but he recovered and such. “How did you do that?” “Determination and the fact that HE wanted to get better.” And I thought of her and how I KNOW that she doesn’t WANT to learn the computer stuff, she just WANTS it to be handed to her with no effort on her part. I didn’t say but I can almost believe that she’s aware of my thoughts on the matter. – Anyway, the day is over and with-out “incident” or… “Vermont conflict”. – Right now, I want to get back into the comments on the DA Journal but I don’t believe I have the mental capacity right now. I’m a touch light-headed (from not eating). So it’s time to hit the soc.med. There’s a woman in Ballston Spa on Twtr. Same town as that “Laurie” I sent a message to on fesses-book about Dennis! Imagine? The world… SO TINY! I asked if she (Twtr) knows or knows of “Laurie”. Let’s see if the “gap” closes any more. “Laurie” works with “troubled” people in some manner. now I’m wondering if Dennis isn’t in a “home” of some kind. My decision? What to do when we contact… IF we ever do again. I’d be so happy if I could get a place where I could take care of him in our old age. Yeah, he’s probably problematic, independent, set in his ways, ornery and obnoxious… like me. But it would do my old hear good to be able to be of SOME sort of support, help, company, companionship. “Because I’m still in love with you, I wanna see you dance again.” I can’t get that song out of my head. It’s in there morning, noon and night. I’ve not been THAT evil in my life-time that I could be, justifiably denied. (But “Life” is a curse… especially mine.) And yet another reason to greet another day with the same … FUCK! – It’s chilly in the room tonight. Of course it is. And SO much of the fire-wood is gone because that’s the first fucking thing she did on entering… one match… and the constant shoving wood into the stove. Wasteful… Oh well… I HOPE the weather is perfectly fine on Monday-next. GO! Take your fucking “Maryrose” and jaunt your arses across New England. I can be comfortable for those days too. – Amen.

Mon.27.Mar: 9.09 A night of no sleep. All night, my mind wouldn’t shut-down. (Funny, that. This morning, the lap-top didn’t want to power-up. PANIC!) I fell “asleep” at about 7.00, to the sound of the “Wood-stove SymphonY”. Charmed, I’m sure. But, here we are. And first news du jour: the seeds that have been up-stairs since Thursday have begun to sprout… but as rumour du matin has it, the sprouts are not those of what was planted. “Mystery seeds”, in “organic seed starter” soil… from… Williston. Alas. “Vermont quality”. “Williston compost”. Indeed. And… alas. “Go up-stairs and look.” says she. Not my tomatoes, not my salad, thinks I. – And another day rolls off the calendar. Wet with snow-melt. Grey with cloud. Another day…. another day. – Heart-ache… Dennis, Dixie… and nobody knows but me. (I wonder what song that’s a lyric from. “Oh but love grows where my Rosemary goes and nobody knows but me.”… I think.) – 22.02 Mme. is in the loo. I’m in bed. Had a bit a dinner with her this evening, on invite. I shouldn’t have done because it wasn’t in the time it took to smoke… BANG! The guts went into “hydro-cleanse”! The chicken and potatoes and carrots (about a table-spoon each) were quite good and I ate only because it was the polite thing to do when invited. But not eating and then eating… well… – Anyway, the day? I spent it getting the comments off DeadArtist for the 100th time! But I DO ave reason to believe that THIS time I’ve done it correctly. Live and learn. In the proper order. And brought down from 77 pages to 52! I’m up to page 8 on the first “cleaning”. Next… coding for HTML and then? INTEGRATION into the pages already done! THAT’S going to be a pain in the arse. But… when done… When done… what? Keep all the separate journals where they are? Merge them into another one? Get a domain? Keep them on the freebies and hope WordPress ever dies? It might be fun to stuff them all into one, be it on WP or some other platform. But… I’ll figure it out when I get them ALL “LOCAL”! – Meanwhile… the woman in Ballston Spa did some investigating into that Laurie “friend” of Dennis’s and sent me a LIST… about FIVE addresses and phone numbers for the broad! (She claims to work with/for the NYS Dept. of People With Disabilites…. I wonder what that’s about, with 5 different addresses and phones.) Anyway, I’m SO HEART-FELT THANKFUL to this wonderful stranger from Twtr (though I AM thinking of Nancy… “BFF”) and since Ms. Laurie has posted to her FB account since I sent my message and she can’t even bother to take a moment to say “I’ll get back to you.” or “Fuck off mind your own business.” or what-ever… But… we shall see. Maybe one of these days I’ll take a trip to Ballston Spa… if Dennis is OK, she’ll hear about it and if he’s not… she’ll hear more and louder. – The end. The day. – Tomorrow Mme. will be seeing her “solicitor”, Mr. Peter, at 16.00 do discuss something or another. Then she’s off on some tangent. “I don’t know how early or late I’ll be back.” On Wed. there’s something going on in the courts. I don’t know… I don’t care to know. Good luck what-ever. Thursday she’s back to work. Saturday there’s a “threat” that she’ll bring her “Pumpkin” up from BTV. (Let her just hope that nothing ever… EVER goes wrong on the road… none of my concern or business, that.) The “road trip” next week will only be Monday, possibly Tuesday if she gets back from Maine with some cohort (NOT Reverend Mother Maryrose!) too late. Oh well… there goes my happy week. Wednesday she’s got a 4-hour “Diversity Lesson” and staff meeting and then… all normal shit. Meanwhile, I must include: I need to get to the market. I’m almost out of coffee. Fat fucking chance I’ll be offered the opportunity to get more. But… – Oh… and by the way, Rick came back today… to paint the door to the room and the rest of the trim and put some kind of shit in the space on the tile in the floor. It all, in my opinion, looks… not to my taste (nor Rick’s as he tells). But… Not my monkey, not my circus. Not my tomatoes, not my salad. – Soc.med. Last ‘moke (in peace I hope). Hopefully a calm night and one of sleep. I didn’t nap all day. – OH OH OH OH OH OH OH!!! I ALMOST FORGOT TO MENTION!!! Going through the “comments” today, there are repeated mentions of “KHRNY”. How I LOVED listening to that station in Rockaway!!! Well… curiosity got the best of me and so I looked-up some Tel Aviv radio stations on-line. After a few “OK” stations, I DO believe I’VE FOUND THE STATION THAT KHRNY TRANSMITTED!!!!! “RADIO ISRAEL ISRALA.COM” or something of the kind!!! WONDERFUL MUSIC AND JUST LIKE THE MUSIC I LISTENED TO IN ROCKAWAY! I HOPE THEY TRANSMIT ALL THE TIME! IT’S ANOTHER SOMETHING THAT JUST MIGHT BE ABLE TO TAKE ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE… EVEN IN MY MIND AND HEART….

Tue.28.Mar: 8.18 Morning routine done. A chat with Mme. in the midst of which she simply left the kitchen. As per usual. Classless. – It’s “heavy” out today, with clouds and mud, water, and such. There’s a “heaviness” to the air and atmosphere. – I woke at about 7.30, to the sound of banging in the washing machine and from a dream:
On some kind of “farm”. Mme.’s farm of sorts. She had a group of folks working it. It was a planting day (although, in the dream, it was pitch black night as they began working). As they prepared to get to planting, they all got on their knees and slapped the earth chanting something. “No hunger. No hunger. No. No. No. There will be food. There will be food. Yes. Yes. Yes.” Slapping the earth. Mme. understood. “Isn’t that wonderful?” she asked. I let it roll and quite involuntarily said, “I’ll have to go change my clothes.” to join in with the work. I had to go up to somebody’s apartment where my “work” clothes were in a pile of dirty laundry. The apartment was on the top floor of the WTC. (Or, a building of equal height.) When I got there, there was a VERY LARGE pile of dirty laundry that I had to sort through to get my clothes. Some woman came in (resembled Linda Barnum!) with packages. There was to be a party in the place that evening. There were gifts strewn all about. Decorations on the floor waiting to be put up. The woman walked in, looking rather disgusted at finding me there and went on about her business. I searched through the filthy laundry and found my clothes. And woke out of that dream.
Got up, got dressed, loo and coffee… Another day commences. – I really MUST simply learn to live (exist) as if I’m the only one here because, well… that’s how I’m treated by others: It’s only them and all about them. So I must return the kindness: FTW. – Such a lovely way to commence a day. FTW. – Mme. has her appointments this evening. May this day pass quickly. – 21.19 She leaves at 15.30 for a 16.00 appt. with atty. Departing words “I should be back by 8.” Yep. I knew that was a lie. But… here it is, 21.20, no sign, no word. Again… inconsideration, irresponsibility and surely, an excuse. No one on Earth matters except. – Meanwhile, there’s a tantrum in swing up-stairs with the pounding on the floor. Trash is as trash was as trash will always be. And I recall and recount: North Star and Nicole… police in the middle of the night, walls shaking, screaming. To Shelburne and the Kent residence… drunk, screaming, fighting. To Jericho… Fran up at 2.00, coffee, cigarettes, rattling of papers, banging into furnishings. Richford… weed-smoking to the point of coming through the walls. 5225… bass from the TV and rock concerts at 1.00, 2.00, etc. And here… 6.00 and banging fire-stove accessories against the wall, “hammering” fire-wood into the stove… painters and planters and the likes with-out warning. Yes, indeed, I did have similar in NYC, especially in Rockaway (I’m going through those memos these days with the re-build of DA blog). And even MORE-SO in the Shelter… where one might expect such bull-shit considering THAT was full of Homeless, illegals, indigents, and the likes. So… MY comparison here is well-founded and justified: TRASH. From inconsideration to disregard and disrespect… TRASH… pure and simple. Refuse. Dregs. The feeble of mind. The socially retarded. – As for MY day? Up to page 30 of 52 in the “re-build”. Not too bad. A LOT of work ahead. – Listened to Israeli radio this evening after Mme. departed. Got a few more tunes from the net for the iPod collection in Hebrew. It’s comforting to hear Hebrew again. I can’t help but recall the day I lost it and told Ms. Mme. “I used to shy away from thinking my-self ‘better’ than others, but being here has proven, beyond any doubt that I AM, in FACT ‘better’ than the rest of you.” Language. Life experience. Education, formal and other-wise. Abilities. Capabilities. Ambition. Yep… BETTER. – Had a STUFFED cheese sandwich this evening. TOO MUCH cheese, in fact. But it’s something for my body to “work on”. Watched moments of “The Five”, a bit of “100 Days” and all of “O’Reilly”. But at this hour, I’m done with this day. – No telling when Ms. Mme. will come rolling in. I dread to think. No doubt there’ll be “OO!” and “Myan myan myan myan.” in the kitchen accompanied by the banging of the stuffing of the wood-stove which I’ve NOT replenished. (I’m saving the wood for when *I* need it. And Ms. Mme. doesn’t understand that we DO have April to contend with yet.) – No word from “Laurie”. No word from Champlain. I need to re-post the advert tomorrow and keep trying. Surely there will be SOMETHING to come of it. – I don’t know HOW I’ll get the Subaru back on the road. But, when the time comes, I’ll just have to get in, on the road and hope at this rate. – I’m also going to run out of coffee… and I can just about put money (that I might have) on it: there will be NO offer to go to market before that happens. Oh well… She’s got the opportunity to get food and such. Her stupidity prevents. Not my monkey. Not my circus. Not my tomatoes. Not my salad. If bull-shit could produce cash crops… this place would be FILTHY WEALTHY. – Amen. – 22.01 and in she rolls. And sure as shit? Into the fucking stove she dives! Oh well. It’s not as if it isn’t expected. Me? I’m on soc.med. and about to put the lights out.

Wed.29.Mar: 8.50 It must have been round and about 1.00 this morning when the lights finally went out for me. Mme. went to bed with-out further word after “Hello”. And this morning? Another wet one. Grey. Charming. Not that I particularly care. Not about much of anything. – I think I could use a shower though. A little “ripening”, as it were. – Well. Hopefully, back to the pages. 20 more to go. Past the half-way. Then? Coding. Then? The re-vamp on-line. – Mme. is in the shower. Expecting her “planter” this morning. He left a message yesterday. Something about more “donations”. Quite the venture, this year’s garden. And all the while I have to think: He’s got no clue. He’ll learn. We all do… well… some of us do anyway. – 24.22 I spent MOST of the day in the room, working on DA and it went VERY WELL! No arguments. No conflicts. Most of the “comments” were from Rockaway. What a shit that turned out to be. Eh? I wonder if my tweet to the FCC with Noah’s name and address got the phone taken from Denise. AND… I’m rather convinced that her hatred of me stems from the fact that I “won” in court when I paid my rent in full and told the courts about her and the shit-box she runs there with all the noise, shitty plumbing, and such. Blew that shit out the doors and into the courts. Oh well. Don’t fuck me, I don’t fuck you. That’s the way… Live is… baby. Sho’nuf’s how it is.- Mme. went to court this morning. Seems an eviction on the red house was issued. Of course, Stanshit pulled an OSC AND WON!!! UNTIL 15 MAY! Honestly! This state is SO fucking liberal! Restraining order… renewed… They’ve been in that house, RENT-FREE SINCE OCTOBER! AND SHE’S BEEN PAYING THE ELECTRIC! Peter’s a shitty atty. But… it’s VT. AND… SHE HAS TO CONTNUE PAYING THE OIL AND ELECTRIC! LIVE AND LEARN! Of course, I now know that I’ve probably got until 15 May too… I often wonder. But… – Monday she takes off for her “Jesus-selling” to Maine. AND I over-heard… she’s got a trip to CT planned too! Gee. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! – No word from Champlain. No word from Edgemont (I’m probably blocked from his account. I Suspect it’s because of Journal Days. Oh well… His loss, certainly.) No word from the FB idiot either. Not that any of this surprises me. – Pam dropped by today. She and Mme. had tea. I was going to join but thought better of it. No sense in socialising with ANYBODY in this town any longer. (Like when Rick’s here… I stay in the room. I’m “occupied”. ) – I’ve taken the “employee” stance. I don’t “belong to the house”. As long as all is well on the week-end… floors cleaned and house in order, Hallie attended… I stay in “my room”. – Watched a bit of TV this evening. About an hour. Fine. No discussions. No conflicts. Best that way. Indeed. – Meanwhile, I wish this broken tooth would simply go away. It’s still sharp. Doesn’t cause much trouble. Just annoying. – And tonight, it’s cold in the room again. And, as expected, almost ALL of the fire-wood is gone. Wasted, actually. She knows nothing about that wood-stove. But I say nothing. No sense in it. – Let’s hope tomorrow “goes” well. She’ll be off and out again. There’s the “threat” of her showing up on Saturday though so I’ll have to monitor the heating. I won’t freeze. But I’ll have to monitor. – Other than that? Another day… fucked and passed.

Thu.30.Mar: 9.09 and that was an over-sleep. And the house reeks of bacon fat. Charming. Stench is the only word that comes to mind as the stomach churns. Oh well… Remember: NOT MY house. – Sunny though. And I managed to get up, make a coffee (it’s low), and have my smoke in peace. Mme. is in the shower And the day… commences. Lettuce sea. – OH! Had a bit of a dream before I woke:
Was either Jacquie or Liz C., ambiguous. She was going through some old papers and came across an envelope with a card in it. Sealed. She opened it. On the card, some-one had written “After 10 years, at long last…” and there was cash rolled. Some-how I knew it was 150$. It was from somebody… neither of us, supposed to go to somebody else, to help with some kind of medical situation. She (J or C) wasn’t sure what to do with it but started to take it out of the card saying “It should have been mailed 10 years ago.” I was a bit upset thinking of how I could use that cash. And JUST as I woke out of the dream I said “I can take it over to the post office and they can send it. I know there’s a way to get it there.” thinking I wouldn’t bother to send it at all.
Money? A dream? I wonder. Not a chance. And 150? Not enough to do much of anything with. Oh well… as I say… Me? Money? Not a chance. – Again… on with the day. I’ve got “work” I want to get done. Too bad about the “iFrames” though. I have a nice page coded with one. But it won’t work on the WP blogs. I need to come up with another idea for all the comments. Oh … off to “work”. (Why this is so important to me, re-learning the coding, I’ve no idea. But it keeps my brain functioning… I suppose.) – 21.47 SHOWERED IN BED CLOTHES SPINNING IN THE WASHER (and no punctuation). – *** WHAT A DAY! *** About 15 minutes after I jotted this morning’s entry, Mme. came out of the shower and announced “If you need anything in Enosgburgh, I’m going to a funeral.” I pondered, if only momentarily. COFFEE! YES! Already dressed (of course), I put on my boots and was ready to roll. We left at about 10.15. I drove, dropped her at the church. “It won’t be out before 12.00.” she announced. Well? No prob, really. I’d also put the gas can in the truck, had 6,29$ on the 20$ “Gift Card” she’d given me a while ago AND CASH! Off I went. As it turned out, I had to put the card into the truck. The “Empty” light was on. No prob. So the card went into the truck and 10$ (3,7… gals) into the can. From there? MARKET! Jacquie’s Lis needed a few items so I could figure on a bit more cash in the pocket from that too. So, I got her items (19.64 for which she gave me 20 and wouldn’t take change which I offered). For me? 4 jars of coffee, creamer, cereal, half’n’half, franks for Ms. Hallie, and I was off and RUNNING… back to the house to drop the gas can and my purchases. Back to the church to wait fora bit. Stopped at Lis’s. Wrong peanut butter. So back to Hannaford’s we went… AND HER BRAKE LIGHT AND ALARM CAME ON! SHE’D JUST HAD THE BACK BRAKES DONE! OH NO! AND SHE’S GOT A “ROAD TRIP” PLANNED. OH NO! (I just look forward to a couple of more days of PEACE when it comes to the road trip.) Well… I trotted back into the store where I got the 5th (and their last) jar of coffee and 2 tins of Progresso lentils, to have on hand. back to Lis and then to the house where Jacquie trotted in, grabbed her bags and took off down the road (to get another crown on a tooth before going to work). En route back to the house, she made an appointment to get the brakes done… tomorrow. Hopefully that will cancel any plots of coming back here on Saturday but… – So… she was gone… I put the gas into the Subaru with a bottle of “Gas Treatment” that I’d gotten at the dollar store. I washed the nasty dishes left behind, swept the kitchen floor and made tidy. By 15.00 I was done… NAP for an hour and diner for Ms. Hallie and I. – I tried something this evening. I’d bought ravioli today and tried them fried in butter and olive oil. Just plain that way. Cheese. Not bad. Sufficed as “food”. – SO… ALL TOLD… I HAVE COFFEE, SOME FOOD, THE SUBARU HAS GAS, AND RIGHT NOW… I’M SHOWERED AND THE CLOTHES JUST NEED TO BE TOSSED INTO THE DRYER. – Note: before taking the shower, I brushed my teeth. The filling in the broken tooth popped out. Hopefully this will not bring pain… I’m not counting on it being painless, but I’ll be a bit hopeful. – As another note: the little “railing” I’d put round the hollyhocks in the back? UTTERLY DESTROYED! PLOWED DOWN. I’ve NO intentions nor plans on repairing it. I’m fed-up with the shit around here on un-doing and destroying everything I’ve done. I mean… really. Daisy’s garden? The barn? The bench in the garden? The wood-pile over there? The front of 5225? Fuck that! Destroyed. I come here. The garden? The plumbing work that had to be re-dug? Flower-planting and re-digging the lillies along the Highgate street? The weekly kitchen floor? The white room? Fuck it all. Really. No more. When what I do in mindlessly disrespected… I’d be the fool to continue. What’s gone is GONE. – Wash is done. – Oh… and an entire day of NO COMPUTER until now! It sets me back on the DA work but that’s OK… a whole day (I had to type that word about 4 times before getting it correct… fuck)… no computer. – Now… wash into the dryer, soc.med. and HOPEFULLY SOME FUCKING SLEEP AROUND THIS FUCKING RETARD-HOUSE.
Silly note of note today: I left the house this morning, with 60$ in cash. I spent 10 on gas for the Subaru and another 6 at the dollar store for glue and dry gas. Got Lis’s food on the card. And when I counted what I had in my pocket when I returned, it was 68. NOT the 150 from the dream, but…

Fri.31.Mar:
HAPPY 45TH CYNTHIA M’LOVE!
49th Anniversary of Opa’s death… Almost a half century ago. Why am *I* still here?
8.14 Morning routine done. And I could go right back to sleep. (And just as I start to type… the fucking phone rings! Somebody looking or a place to rent! At 8.15? Seriously? Fine. Oh well. Nice start to the day. Well… she WOULD have a place… IF she’d attended her necessary business. NONE of my business. Oddly, when I came in from my smoke, I looked at the porch. It’s a mess again. I thought of RE-cleaning it and then thought: It’s NOT MY house.) – Just feeling removed this morning. – Had two dreams last night. I can’t recall the first now, but the second one:
I was in some sort of car or truck, driving along Bruyn Turmpike out in Pine Bush toward Walker Valley. Brilliantly light day, very pale blue all round, like “ice blue”. I was in a bit of a rush for some reason when, for o apparent reason, I couldn’t control the vehicle, couldn’t keep it on the road! Like WIND, pushing me side-to-side and such. Couldn’t figure why. Then, in the sky, white rockets, or missiles, with billowing, white clouds or smoke or fog spewing out the back end. Many of them, across the sky! THEY were creating the wind! And the temperature dropped, drastically. I could feel it getting bitter cold in the vehicle! “Oh my god!” I said, “It’s THEM! They’re manipulating the weather out here!” A house, set back off the road on a large parcel of land, quickly covered with ice crystals. “And nobody knows about this!” And as I said, the missiles dropped LARGE circular “wheels” of sorts, like rims, with “snow-flake” configurations in them. LARGE, and rather heavy. As they hit the ground, I could hear them. And on impact, the ground froze and was covered in snow. One hit the mailbox on the road-side and destroyed it. I was concerned that one might hit me or the vehicle and I wondered if if would kill me. “If one of them hits me, I’ll be dead.” I thought, as I tried to decide whether to keep going or to simply stay put. And… the 7.00 alarm sounded… I woke.
Gleaning a Ggl map of Pine Bush, Wallkill. WOW! More memories! – Speaking of which, I stumbled on another phone number for “a” Dennis. I’ll have to give it a try during the day. – 22.48 SHOWERED AND IN BED AT LAST! – This morning, I tried to set-up in the white room, looking forward to a productive day, many pages on the DA journal. ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE! The running, jumping, banging and thumping was incredible! So… what can I say for this day? Well… I did manage to glue the solar lights onto the lids. A “Vermont” job of it, but, they’re in the white room “curing” over-night. Will they be functional? I’ll hope so. But at this juncture, I don’t really give a shit. THAT was the extent of the day. – This evening, I strolled to the store for black beans to go with the left-over ravioli. Filling. Nothing more. Nothing less. Ice cream too. No vanilla. They haven’t got the brains nor the sense to stock the items that actually sell over there. More “Vermont” retardation. Alas. – And there was a nap during the day. I’ve been so drained of everything of late. – I tried the “new phone number” for Dennis. Out of service. I re-tried the number with the answering machine. Somebody has gone through the messages because it’s recording. Perhaps tomorrow, should the machine pick up again, I should leave a message. Perhaps I’ll try.- Lit the wood-stove tonight. Put the thermostat down to about 62F. It’s still quite warm in the house. Imagine. 2 fucking degrees keeps it warm enough in here but… FAR be it from me to keep it there… and FARTHER yet be it from her to increase by 2 degrees for comfort. So tonight? 62F and the stove. Fuck it. I’ll not freeze and the wet snow falls out-side over-night. – Poor Ms. Hallie though, unable to find comfort in “her” room, in “her” bed. The bull-shit up-stairs rolled on into the middle of “Tucker”.. about 21.30. Even now, there are remnants. And I think of all the work I put into that “white room”, even today, putting a bit of a “curtain” over the windows for a bit of privacy and the appearance of an occupied room from the out-side and I can’t make use of it. Mme. believes that she can rent this little room and the white room? Well, surely, from what I’ve witnessed here in this shit-hole, she’ll have no trouble renting to the low calibre of person that would suit this situation. Trash abounds…hither and yon here. – Other than that? Nothing. No work on the journal. Nothing of any import. – And so, I’ll have to accept another lost day. Come the week, there will be days when she’s in and the noise will be lower and I’ll simply lock me in this room and “work”. Monday and Tuesday she should be gone again. So I’m looking at Sunday night with her about. I think I can handle that. Wednesday she’s got some sort of something to be done. Thursday she’ll be gone early for another week-end. Oh well… I just need to focus on ME! – Thought: I am tankful that her friend there will be handling her garden. I have NO responsibility. (She wanted me to turn the lights off up-stairs for the plants… I haven’t. I won’t. I’m not climbing those stairs for her plants… and vegetables I’ll have nothing to do with… yet again.) Says she: “I need help with the garden.” He’ll soon learn that it’s not “help” she’s leeching. Rather, somebody stupid enough to take the brunt of the responsibility. As I think: Your enthusiasm will be diminished by season’s end. Good luck. Fare well. – Now? To wind-down the evening. Hopefully to sleep… before 1.00 tomorrow morning.
Happy Birthday Cynthia dearest… Still, very much alive… in my heart.