Let this be the last August… Maybe, it would be nice if I never got to post to this page at all. As of now, today, Friday, 22, July 2016, at 15.25, I’m not planning on it. – Dixie, my sweetness, joy, LOVE, heart and soul… I’ll see you soon again and one day, I hope I’ll see you, away from all the bull-shit and madness. But now, the best that I can do is hope that you know how much I have loved you, love you now and always will love you. If I could have given you all that you need, and all that you deserve, I would take you with me now. But tonight (Sunday, 31 July 2016 at 0.00) the pain in my heart, body and soul hopes that what is to come for you will be better… and yes, we WILL see each-other again… soon.

Mon.1.Aug: 9.19 The month of August is IN! And indeed, it is. I’ve got the RUNS! My stomach is a wreck! The anxiety level is to the Heavens. Packing. Moving. No word from Vincent. Nothing is “known”. Nothing is “sure”. And my insides are reeking absolute havoc. August. It has arrived. – And I woke at 7.00 this morning. Jacquie was already at table. But this morning she said “You ARE taking showers, I hope.” and “You ARE washing your clothes.” Ah… I said “Oh yes. Because if I didn’t, well, you remember all those flies round the table?” So, that’s OK and settled. A relief. – She’s up saying “God-bye” to Kerry. Kerry had “trouble” coming crossing the border last evening. Spending too much time states-side. Ca se peut tu? So now it’s as if she’s being “exiled”. It’s funny and sad in many ways. We’re all so close and yet it still seen as “international”. And when I think of how “American” Canada is these days. It makes no sense. But that’s the way it is. (Gotta run back to the loo.) – 9.30 Back from the loo. Water. System clean-out. And now I’m exhausted. – Jacquie has to go to BTV this morning and wants me to join her. I need to simply shut me down and get my stuff out of 5225. And now I’m exhausted from the runs. Ah… another August. What to do? Well… we shall see what gets done at the end of this day. – It’s cool this morning. A touch humid, over-cast. August in the North Country. Time for BDMs! I should think so. – And today is Dixie’s appointment at the vet. I wonder… Will they be “putting her to death” today? It would be an atrocity to end her life for their convenience… but all told, it would be peace for her and, no doubt, better… considering the situation in that house. – I need to seriously focus on my own… “putting down”. I’ve truly, had enough of this bull-shit and nonsense. – August…..
21.50 Bed in the “Little Room” at last! WHAT A DAY! This morning’s diarrhoea, 4 trips and the “flood”, and then the road trip! Ah… But BEFORE the road trip, I happened to “stop by” the FB Author page and there…
A MESSAGE FROM DOROTHY! YEARS have gone by, and only jst a couple of days ago I spoke with Jacquie about her and THERE… A MESSAGE from her! HOW WONDERFUL! And on the day (I believe) before her birthday! WELL! The down side? She corresponds with “sister”. So I sent a nice message, including my e-mail and phone and told her, leaving no room for doubts or questions, that I have nothing to do with the siblings and that I want nothing to do with them. We shall see.
Road trip: Jacquie, Hallie and I went to Charlotte this afternoon (when I should have gone to 5225 to move) to pick bluets! FUN! WOW! Bushes full! And Jacquie and I chatted as we picked. Well, it was over-cast and comfy so it was a joy and when done… “14,6lbs”! between the two of us! Amazing! In about 2 hours or so. FUN! – We left there and stopped at the “Fiddlehead” brewery/pizzeria just up the rte. 7 from Teddy Bear. Costly pizza at about 20$ (I think), and although nice and hand-made, stone oven and such, not as filing as the 2,50$ slices plain. Beer? The brewery’s own, at 8,5% and not bad. Another 13$ there too. Costly. But Jacquie insisted and was thankful to me for coming along because she’d wanted to try the place but never had the opportunity nor the time. – Next stop? Shelburne Bay where Silas and I spent MANY hours together, wading, or laying to rest on the stone. It was rather sad today, the water low, the area rather over-grown. Hallie went in “wading” because of the low water level and we didn’t stay long. Odd… I’ve NO emotional attachment to anything down there where I started my “Vermont days”. There’s been TOO TOO TOO much negative about these 5 years… especially there. – I drove the rest of the day and managed a quick spin round Clearwater where it appears “Steve” still owns the house. 3 cars there plus his old Subaru! Seeing that house and recounting the incidents that took place down there brought to mind:
The incident in Shelburne with Steve involved the police and me being accused of assault.
The incident in Shelburne with Days Inn involved the police and me being accused of a FELONY!
NEITHER of which went any-where because I WASN’T GUILTY OF EITHER!
Move North to Richford… “Restraining Order” from Silas… which he dropped.
Move West to Fuklin….
Last Summer involved the police with the “Restraining Order” of the freak against Lyle.
THIS Summer involves being accused of not speaking to the Gordofag.
The BEGINNING and now the END, and the moments in between…. as I sad to Jacquie: I came to Vermont with a clean history… and in 5 years, Vermont has DESTROYED THAT!
I was fucking ripped-pissed for a while as we drove along!!! FUCKING RIPPED-PISSED! THIS STATE IS A SHIT-HEAP OF SHIT-BAGS!!!
OK… SO… we drive along… North to “Colchester” in the “rush-hour” traffic jam of Shelburne/S.BTV and up the “Interstate” we go to… MALLETS BAY! BEAUTIFUL! Hallie got in for quite the rock-fetching and 2 gals brought their dogs too. I tossed stones for all 3 dogs and I have to say that it was fun! When we left, as stop at the gas station where I HAD to break into the “Pam money” for 2 packs of smokes BUT got a 75-cents off each offer! HEY! And back on the road to drive back to this fucktard town where, when we arrived, the lawn had been mowed! (Note here… Jacquie gives the twats 100$ off their rent for mowing once during the month. Me? I got jack-fuck-all-shit at 5225 AND I used a push/reel and walk-behind mower. It goes to show…) – Well then, we got in at about 19.30 or so. Jacquie slept most of the trip back to the house and then for quite the while as I watched the snooze. And so, tonight, no shower taken because I really didn’t break a sweat. I was exhausted earlier but seem to be a bit more awake now (of course). AND I’M HUNGRY AND THERE’S NOTHING TO EAT IN THE ROOM (or house). – One more note before hitting the soc.med. before sleep: I truly wonder, with all the pain in my waist, hips and legs… Prostate Cancer? Probably… with my “good fortune”. It IS “Time to say… Good-bye”. – (Oh… as we were picking today, Jacquie commented on how difficult times will be when I’m gone. Well? It’s not HER doing but recounting the 5 years here, in VT? I HAVE to get the actual fuck out and away!)

Tue.2.Aug: 22.46 Showered, in bed in the Little Room. Jacquie’s asleep on the recliner. I don’t want to wake her. She needs sleep as much as and for the same reason as I do. To disturb her now would be, I feel, un-fair. So I’m in the bed and journalling the day, and what a day… Started with waking at about 8.00. This room is so dark that waking is difficult on even the brightest days. I had my coffee and took Hallie out for a stroll whilst Jacquie, already up and “paying bills”, made blueberry pancakes and Maple Leaf bacon. Yes, I ate bacon. The stench as it cooked made me rather ill, but to refuse would have been un-kind and I will NOT be that way. I know, too well… UN-KINDNESS. After breakfast, I took the remaining zinnias and planted them out-side so that she could see them from the kitchen window. She says she appreciates that and I hope she does, but I’ll take her at her word. – That done, I waited until I saw Gordofag leave the premises of 5225 and at about 11.30, I headed over there… IN THE SUBARU! Parked it out front in front of Bobo’s car and headed in…
THE PAIN OF SEEING DIXIE, SO DOCILE, WITH THE LOOK OF ALMOST CONFUSION… AS IF TO SAY “WHY AREN’T YOU HERE ALL THE TIME?” KILLS ME! JUST KILLS ME!
But she looked good and just seeing her told me that I’d been wrong about her appointment yesterday. I was almost convinced that she’d be “put down”. Still, as even Jacquie and I agree… that might be a blessing, considering that house-hold now. But…
I got right to work and pulled the heaviest of items out of the room and into the car. It took about 45 minutes and now, the suit-case, and large boxes, and postal tubs are out as are the plants, including the orange tree (Richford). There’s very little left. I have time though and will have the rest out by week-end, I’ve no doubt… provided I’m given time. I MUST get out of there! – Done, I came back to the house and Jacquie and I had a grilled cheese sandwich. When that was done, Jacquie attended to her business, and I spent some time watching the tree guys remove the 3 BEAUTIFUL, OLD LOCUST TREES from across the Highgate St. It was SO sad to see those beautiful, old trees being cut down and turned to wood-chips! It’s probably because insurance companies don’t like them, but still… what a horrid sight to behold. But it reminded me SO much of Gran’pa Lester and how he’d scurry up trees that tall, with nothing more than a strap round the tree. Today, they have cranes to lift the cutters and remove the tops. How cushy for them. They should only know that it was like when I was a child, watching my “Gran’pa” swing limb-to-limb, cutting from the top of the tree to the bottom. Oh well… age… old age. Fukkit. And to think… I watched this today, thought of Gran’pa Lester and am in touch with Dorothy again! How odd is “Life”? THIS odd. – After watching a bit, I grabbed the hand-shears and clipped round the stone pile at the end of the drive. It needed trimming and cleaning and today, it got it but….
***** BUT ***** TODAY THE PAIN IN MY HIPS AND LEGS GOT SO BAD THAT I WAS ONVINCED THAT I WAS GOING DOWN… TODAY… IN THE BACK YARD! JACQUIE SAW ME AS I STOOD, ALMOST PARALYSED AND ASKED IF I WAS OK. WELL… I GATHERED MY WITS ABOUT ME AND ALL I COULD SAY IS “THIS WILL *NOT* HAPPEN HERE! THIS WILL *NOT* HAPPEN NOW! I WILL *NOT* BECOME AND INVALID IN THIS SHIT-HOLE STATE!” SHE TOLD ME TO LEAVE THE CLIPPINGS AND GO INSIDE TO SIT. I TOOK THE CLIPPINGS TO THE COMPOST AND DID GO INSIDE TO SIT. I WAS IN SUCH INDECRIBABLE PAIN! AND NOW I’M CONCERNED ABOUT IT. I *WILL NOT DIE IN THIS IN-BREED SHIT-HOLE!* I *WILL* GET BACK TO NY TO DO THAT! *****
(23.03 Jacquie’s just out of the loo and off to bed. I’m glad. I’ve got the light on in the room, the fan too, but she didn’t come to the door. May she sleep soundly and restfully.)
***** I AM CONCERNED ABOUT THIS PAIN THOUGH. “CONCERNED” BUT I WON’T BE GETTING IT CHECKED BECAUSE… I DON’T WANT TO KNOW. BESIDES, I TOOK A NAPROXYN, ACETAMINOPHEN AND ASPIRIN AND HAD 2 OF THOSE BEERS OF 8% AND I HAVE TO SAY… THE PAIN IS STILL THERE BUT I CAN WALK! AND I SHOWERED MYSELF! I DON’T “NEED TO KNOW” WHAT THE FUCK IT IS. I JUST NEED TO KNOW THAT IT WON’T “TAKE ME” (WHAT-EVER IT IS) UNTIL I GET BACK TO NY! *****
OK. So… Jacquie wanted beets with dinner tonight so we walked up to Jes/Kerry’s and got 3 nice beets from their garden and walked round the block, slowing to stop by Lyle’s grave and to read other stones…. of people who died in the early 1800’s and such. It was painful for me, but I made it. Maybe walking it off is a good idea? I’ll have to remember what’s good for when I get back to NY. – Back at the house, Jacquie made dinner… lamb chops, rice, fresh peas from the garden here and beets from Jes/Kerry’s garden! WOW! And she made a blueberry “betty” for after. (I had my 2 beers, and a bit of the blueberry… after… only a little while ago.) – As we finished dinner, I showed her photos from the computer and “Woodhauler” and we discussed all the work I’ve put into 5225. We touched on my pains and I repeated that I will NOT be taken down here! She and I agreed that a heart-attack is the best way to go BUT… IF I were to take one in her yard, she’s afraid the town will say that sh’ed worked me to death. I told her that she knows better and that there’s proof on “Woodhauler”. SHE DIDN’T work me to death… THEY (Gliddens) did! – Mark (the painter) came by to talk with her about spilt paint and I checked my e-mails… A message from Dorothy! She’s going along at 65 and DONNA is is S.C.! SHE must be in her 70’s by now! It choked me to see and to think of being back in touch with Dorothy again! After all these years! She’ll be in Monticello on the 9th. What a shame I’m up here… and no way to get to there then, Oh well… I don’t recall anybody making efforts to come see me… EVER. So?… – When we were done eating, she told me not to wash the dishes, that she’d put them into the machine tomorrow (I just finished washing them before showering… dirty dishes in the sink over-night? I think NOT.) and we went to watch “Fox”. I finished my beer, she had dessert and fell asleep. At about 21.45 or so, I got up, had a bit of dessert and washed the dishes. SO… now? 23.17, showered and in bed… ready to kick this day out! – PS. I have to submit the “proof of residence” at 5225 by next Monday. Time enough. Hopefully it’ll come up that I gave false address and I’ll be dumped. I’m White, speak well, work hard… America doesn’t want me making mistakes nor eating. – Tired… soc.med. and nigh-night time!

Wed.3Aug:
HOME: QUÉBEC & NY!!!
8.08 At the kitchen table with another day ahead. I want to go back to bed… to sleep… away. Painful in the hips this morning. And Jacquie’s all ready to hit the road! It’s going to be “interesting”, to say the least. Plattsburgh this morning. She wants to go to Edgemont too! But she’s of the belief that it’s in Essex… the town. Oh well. There’s going to be a lot of “dodging” today, I suspect. And I believe that a lot of my pain is nerves… anxieties. I can only hope that’s it. – I have to take more out of the Subaru too. AND I have to find the green border for the window, get a note about residence for FS, and clean a bit more out of the room at 5225. Well… sometimes it’s a matter of “all in due time”. Sometimes… today… always. –
21.38 Wiped OUT! OK. So the day went…. I got a “note” (e-mail) from Dorothy which I answered as Jaquie and I sat at table this morning. – At about 10.00 or a bit after, we headed out the door first to Hannaford’s in Swanton where I managed to get more coffee!!! (2 jars though) and then on to Ste. Anne’s shrine over on Isle la Motte where Jacquie attended mass whilst I shampooed Hallie in the lake and then tossed stones for her to fetch until mass ended. Then up the hill to their gift shoppe where Jacquie visited and I went to the loo at last! That was followed by a lunch there of tuna salad and coke… Back in the truck and… off to PLATTSBURGH! There, Jacquie dropped by a shoppe (Peaceful Dove) to do a little “sales work” for a bit and then we were off to Aldi’s because, well, Jacquie had her heart set on going to “Essex” to see the Edgemont which is in Moriah (which is in Essex County so I’m most certainly not lying at all) but I didn’t want to drive down there because, well, I’d rather not get into it all and I don’t really want any connections between the two places. Nothing really against Jacquie but I’d rather my destination didn’t “slip” into a chat here in town or with anybody from town nor with anybody from the state of VT. She did a little shopping at Aldi’s, simply because we were there. And then the trip took quite the turn… As we pulled out of Aldi’s, Jacquie decided to stop at “Keiser” (frommagerie) in Noyan! And off we went! Across to Alburgh and up the little road into Noyan and over a little dirt road to a most remarkable and amazing shop! It’s new, clean, contemporary, has cheese like insanity and imported cookery and other such things (many of which are German). REALLY AMAZING! She bought about 6 wedges of great cheeses (3 for Pam for her birthday) and it all came to about 25$CAD! INCREDIBLE! From there… the trip went to “VENISE EN QUÉBEC”! A truly almost breath-taking little town at the North-most edge of the Champlain! The place is magnificent in it’s “little village” respect and we toured almost every little street lake-shore. We even stopped and walked about the yard at here late aunt’s house which is for sale. ON THE WATER! Just… OH WOW! Just…. OH WOW! I now know SO much MORE about Québec than I ever have in my LIFE! And… by now the day was coming to a close and we headed out of Venise and across to St-Armand and across at Morses Line where the crossing was SUPER… since “Gutkopf” I think his name was, chatted and even took a treat and gave it to Hallie! A-MAY-ZING day! – Back in Fuklin, Jacquie stopped at the store for beer and something. I got out of the truck (since I’d been driving since Aldi’s) for a smoke an how awful it was to stand there, on the street, next to 5225. Indeed… I’ve gotten to the point where the very house makes me sick. (As Jacquie said at dinner this evening: The town’s already not pleased with the way things are going there, and “all” is not well for the residents on account of: the time not given to respect Lyle, bringing in another freak, and tossing me after so much I’ve done there and for the property/town oh well.) – Back at the house, we had a bit of “chicken pot pie” for dinner with a bit of cole slaw (which is taking it’s toll already, in gas) and a beer and it was time to watch the news. Jacquie dozed a bit and now… here we are… the day is closed and I’m on the bed. Just WOW! for this day. – Oddly, I have to note (if I haven’t already): Seems Jacquie and I share a little something in common… at night, before sleep, we both hope we don’t wake the next morning… and when we do, neither of us is too happy about it. I truly believe that some-how, she doesn’t want to be “alone” and that I’m good company for her. She lets me drive, tries to make certain there’s food in the house and almost dotes…. – OH! FUNNY HERE: AS I was driving into Alburgh this after-noon en route to Noyan, we came to the turn in the road where I had to make the left up to Noyan. There was a truck coming toward the bend and Jacquie commented that I should mind the truck because we don’t want to get hit by it and I jokingly replied “Yes Maryrose… I see the truck.” Jacquie laughed! I laughed! And it’s become a “shared joke” for us. Good… I know it won’t always be laughter, but at least there will be some… and hopefully THAT will matter most. I know that my leaving (which I MUST DO SOON) will be a hard-ship on her, but I believe my “work” here in VT and especially this shit-hole town, is done… Time to go. And as I said this morning… “I’m going home to die.” Yes, I said that to Jacquie. She didn’t react or respond but I’ll bet it registered. – Now? Time to scan the soc.med., see if there’s a note from Dorothy (did I mention: Donna’s still kicking in SC!), comment on the Twtr and try for a nap. My 3 nights of “rest” are coming and I’ve GOT to clear out of 5225 this week-end, one way or another! – 23.29 Lights out.

Thu.4.Aug: 21.41 It was a tough start to this day. Again, I didn’t want to wake up, didn’t want to get out of bed, didn’t want to be awake, didn’t want to be alive. But at just before 8.00, I got up, gulped my vit.C and one got stuck in my throat. I still have that “lump” sensation where it must have caused irritation. Went to the loo and meandered out to the kitchen where Jacquie was already awake and already under the stress of another day: she needed the rent from David. I “didn’t listen” as she tried to locate him on the phone and then, round about 10.30, after getting hold of him, he showed at the door with a cheque… 300$ short. He came to the kitchen door, handed her the cheque and started to leave but she wanted to talk with him cordially and so, the spoke briefly. When she came back in she noticed the short and went across the road to chat about it. When she came back she told me that he claimed he had to pay the paint for the garage doors, etc. The trouble? No receipts and he didn’t tell her in advance. She could have paid, charged it to her account and written it off on taxes. Honestly? This state is FULL… STUFFED with morons! I’m sick of it all. – Well… she got herself together and we went to the garden where she got 2 heads of cabbage and 2 broccoli and such which she took to work with her. She’s not happy, and not well about today’s event and I don’t fault her. She left saying “I’m happy when I’m at work.” At least she has that much. (Me? I’m not happy ever, save now, when I play with Hallie. And even then, even Hallie can sense the troubles.) I HATE this place about as much, if not more than I hate Albany. Even tonight I’m thinking, as I’ve done during this hot and humid day:
My youth was in a place that always managed to be included in the “10 Toughest Towns in America”.
The majority of my life has been in NYC where there were MANY opportunities to ruin a life.
I’ve been in a Homeless shelter in NYC.
I’ve lived in a town where it was common-place to be in some kind of trouble (the Rock).
I came to this fucking shit-hole at the age of 57 with a clean record, got a job working for the Fed… and the P.O.
HERE, with-in the first 5 months I was called a “scum-bag” at the North Star (Shelly Vinal) and then..
accused of assault: Tara Campbell.
Next came the accusation and citation for embezzlement which was dropped but was recorded.
Next, an “Order of Protection”: Silas Burton.
Then, lying to Home Instead about un-employment (which I’m being “hunted” for even today).
I put in 3 years of attending to Lyle, AND the entire home maintenance at 5225,
THEN 5225 AND providing food in the garden at 5199!
And what have I to in gratitude? Being given 30 days to get the fuck out of 5225 and… nothing.
My history is ruined and here I am, hoping to get out and back to NY and even that’s not settled yet.
I’m not “sick of it”… I’m HATEFUL AND BITTER!!!
OK, that said, when Jacquie left, I got to the “little room”, moving a couple of pieces of stuff out across the hall to the “white room” (that I painted and glazed and such). Hoovered the floor and sprayed more Lysol on the carpet in an on-going effort to get rid of the “mildew” smell. Well… that was successful but it was just TOO TOO hot today to RUN to 5225 to bring more (all!) over here in the short time I had left, after Jacquie left and before GordoFag returned. So? It was almost a wasted day. No prob. – Then this evening, as I got to the end of the drive to go to the store for ice cream, which is all that I really wanted to eat today, I see BoboFag heading there. So I just came back in and waited a bit. When I did get to the store I passed in time to see that BoboFag’s having a new propane tank installed…. the company dragged the old one out… across the little “path” that I’d put plastic and mulch on so they could access the fucking tank. Oh well… let that place fall to shit… the way it was when first I arrived there. Got my ice cream and some heavy cream to go with, butter too and a pack of smokes and came back to the house, had some ice cream as I watched the snooze… and dozed. – It’s been much of that all evening. – I HAVE done a wash and one is just finishing… as I showered too. So I’m clean and too, the clothes for tomorrow. It’s nice though, this time: I can put the clothes into the dryer and go to bed… here. – I’ve taken 2 “AdvilPM” or what-ever. Tomorrow? I’ll get out of bed when I’m damned ready. – Tomorrow? Hopefully my body will allow me to simply get into the car, get over to 5225 and get ALL of what’s in that room out and here. – Tomorrow? I have to get a letter off to FS about residence which I KNOW is going to cause trouble because of an “erroneous” address. AND the letter has to be “from BoboFag” and I’m NOT going to get him to sign it! Oh well… I’ve had to pull shit before… Hopefully, by the time this makes any difference, I’ll be back in NY… but I doubt that rather very much. – I’m tired… of all of this bull-shit! Just tired. – Sadly: So too, is Jacquie. She’s worried about being able to keep the house (for Hallie) and the week-ends when there’ll be nobody to keep Hallie company and I know fire-wood hauling plays into it all as well… and such things. But honestly? I CAN’T keep thinking of everybody else any longer. One way, one reason or another… I’ve GOT to get to the Adirondacks… whether to take temporary residence or to take “permanent” earthly residence. I expect it’s to be the latter. – The wash is spinning. When it’s done, into the dryer for the night and me, to the pillow for the night. – Tomorrow will be another….

Fri.5.Aug: 8.37
OUT OF 5225!!!!!

As of 17.30 (5:30pm), Friday, 5 August 2016, a 3-year residency at 5225 Main, Franklin VT ended… and the place was left “clean” and in good order.

At Jacquie’s kitchen table. The place is a MESS! – I had a RESTLESS NIGHT!!! Woke several times through the night, the sleeping bag on the floor. I don’t recall any dreams, or any reason for the tossed bed-clothes, but… And I must have been asleep by about 22.00 at the latest. This morning, heard the 6.00 alarm, turned it off and went right back to sleep until about 8.00. I don’t know why I’m awake at this hour, but, aside from the usual “drag” from sleep and the PMmeds, I fell “OK”… or, at least as close to “OK” as is usual for me in a morning. Oh well… – Have to get the letter off to FS this morning. HAVE to get to 5225 to clean the place OUT today! And I’ll bet that Sunday will be another “Let’s take Hallie….” or “Do you want to go to….” so I’m going to enjoy these couple of days. I wonder what Cecil did on his days like this. (I know he didn’t clean the house.) – I decided to try wearing shorts this morning. My legs are as white as can be! UGLY! But anyway, my nails are filed down (yesterday), I’m clean from last night’s shower. And I’ve just had to scurry a chipmunk out of the back porch. I suppose my morning is well under weigh. ON with the bull-shit! (Coffee and vit.C done… just waiting for the “loo call”.) – Life… to some, a blessing; to others, a curse. – And some-how, for some reason, I’m connected to the Internet already. Hmmmm…. I’m not paying attention. – 22.55 On the bed in “The Little Room”, my table-cloth blanket and OWS banner on the bed. The south wall is almost covered in boxes. All of my existence. Not much to look at. Sad, really, but easy to move along. Tomorrow, I’ll purge. Lettres signed saying that the room has been left in “as good as or better than” condition, the keys returned, I’ve no reason or cause to return. I’m OUT, GONE, AWAY, AND NO MORE “CONNECTIONS” WITH/TO THAT ADDRESS OR ANYTHING IT STANDS FOR IN THIS TOWN. And THEM? Bobo and Gordo? Well, as the thought came to mind earlier as I watched Fox news:
This town might not like or love me (I don’t give a shit one way or the other), but there’s something that cannot be denied: Since I arrived, 3 years ago, I’ve done more FOR this town than just about anybody else. AND I’ve done more FOR this town than the two who remain in that crumbling house. As I passed earlier, to go to the store, the front, where *I* planted the vinca and laid chips, is beginning to become over-grown with grass. The grass needs to be pulled, cannot now be mowed nor “weed whacked” and it will simply grow… to what-ever height it wants. And next season? It will do the same, only stronger. It’ll probably mix with the vinca and never look quite the way it should. The flowers out front? Weeds and grasses will grow there too. And it will look abandoned. Jacquie’s, for as long as I’m here, will be the next “presentable” property. But even this will become “abandoned”. This town can think or feel or say what they will about me, but the fact remains: Those in 5225 have done, now do and will do nothing “for” it. And era has died today.
Earlier, I watched an interview with a woman whose husband strove to become a neuro-surgeon and JUST as he was completing his studies, was diagnosed with and shortly after he’d completed his studies, died from terminal cancer. It’s been several years since then, and he and she wrote a book about the experience. But what strikes me most is: she, talking about him, now dead, smiled and conducted a simple interview with-out choking or tears. He “was” and “is no more” and she smiles. The pain of loss is finished… passed, just as it is with all of us when we “leave” here. And just now, standing out-side having my final smoke of the day, I realised: I have no connections with this world any longer. I’m so ready to simply leave. And when I’m gone, there’ll be no “remembrance”, no “gratitude” for anything I’ve ever done for anybody. I was here, or there, when needed, did what I could, saw smiles of gratitude, heard the rhetoric of appreciation… and for what was done before, it’s over and finished and in the past. For what I’m doing now? It too, will soon mean nothing to anybody. I was “here” when I was “needed”, and gone when the “need” was filled. I’m ready now… all I need do is get to where I can simply watch the stars appear over-head, listen to the earthly air rustle through the trees, lay me down to sleep… and, as all before me have done… leave all of this behind… to go to where I’ll have the peace I’ve always wanted. There’s no “peace” in being “alive”… Peace comes when “living” ends.
There’s a thermometre on the little window fan in the window to the side of the bed. Both little fans are bringing the out-side air in, and the thermomtre is reading 80°F at the moment. By this time on other nights, it usually reads 70 or even 68°. Very hot and very humid tonight. – As for the day… It was about noon when I checked my “messages” on e-mail. One from Bobo: “wondering” when I’d be removing the rest of my “stuff”. Well! Fucked little faggot, your bit of stuff, who forged your signature to a “30 Day Notice” gave me until the 14th. I’ve still got 10 days more on that! BUT… I simply replied that I’ve been making space for the rest and would be removing all ASAP. At about 13.00 I decided to simply get up, get into the car and get to 5225 to go for what-ever I could possibly manage to get out. I was tired, hot, sweaty, it’s been a miserable day, weather-wise, but I just closed heart and mind and headed to the Subaru… started the engine and drove up the road, parked just about in front and headed in. Dixie welcomed me as usual, rather un-certain about my presence and looking rather heart-broken. I went to the room and got to business… grabbing 3 boxes at a time and bringing them down the stairs. Dixie laid on a recliner in the parlour… Sascha was in her cage barking a bit. Gordo was out. Ah… but then, almost as I was finishing (not planning on completely emptying the room today), the Fat One, el Gordo, returned, came in and closed the front door! OK. I continued gathering boxes and as I went down to pack the car I said, calmly, that I would leave the door open until I was done moving. I thought it would be only 2 trips… it was about 4 but I was on a mission now… to get as much out as possible, in spite of the “presence” of the bitch. What I left behind was just what I could toss into a tote (which turned out to be a bit “much” but…). I’d sent Bobo a message asking if it would be “at home” this evening. I had NO intention of leaving with-out a signed note confirming that the room was clean, the keys were returned and that I’d NOT be back. And… when I left, I told Gordo that I was leaving to empty the car and would return when “Bob” was home. “He’s usually back by 3:30.” was the reply. As if I didn’t know Bobo’s routine already. I simply left, came to Jacquie’s and un-loaded the car into “The Little Room”. – That done, I fried the left-over rice and watched a bit of “Snews” until about 17.00. – At 17.00 I went back to 5225. The back door was un-locked so I walked in, called “Hello!”. Bobo was showing Gordo some sort of black under-wear that he’d ordered on-line. Ca se peut tu? Lyle’s gone, Gordo’s money is in, and it’s all going to motorcycles and under-wear. OK. None of my concern. Time and Karma will attend. I simply commented “You look like you’ve been hit by a truck.” “It’s hot!” was the reply. “I’m going up to finish.” I said, and went up the stairs… BUT….
DIXIE WAS ALL JUMPY AND LOVEY AND SUCH, JUST AS BEFORE. SO HAPPY HER “PACK” WAS TOGETHER AGAIN… SHE FOLLOWED ME UP THE STAIRS… AND AS I GATHERED WHAT WAS THERE, BOBO CAME UP AND CALLED HER AWAY FROM ME. “TIME” AND “KARMA”… WILL ATTEND.
I got a dust pan and used my broom to sweep the floor. I tooke photos of the room. I took two garbage bags of “garbage” to the shed. And then I went and asked Bobo to come look at the room and sign my lettres. He asked me to take the oars I’d painted. I did. He read and signed the lettres. I put the key on the little desk… gather my totes and oars and broom and asked to leave via the front door which Bobo opened and as I left, he said “Thank you.” – I got back to Jacquie’s, dropped the totes in the “Little Room” and went to the store for smokes and 2 “Teas” (which I’ve had and are not helping me want to sleep even at 23.27).
THIS FUCKING CHAPTER OF THIS FUCKING TOWN IS FUCKING CLOSED! They’ll enjoy the flower-beds (which will turn to weeds) and the fence posts that hold the old back fence up, the fire-pit and wood BUT come the Winter… THEY’LL be hauling pellets… not me!
When I got back to Jacquie’s, I put the pillow cases and table-cloth-blanket into the washer with today’s clothes and I showered. The wash washed… and now dried… tonight I sleep on MY pillows, under MY little “blanket” and OWS banner.
I can’t help but think of the banner: It’s loaded with the days at Occupy Wall Street in Zucotti Park… many nights and days at the Homeless Shelter, the horrors of the North Star Motel, Steve’s house, Day’s Inn, Fran’s, the cold Winter nights of Richford, all the travelling and storage of being back in NYC, the return to VT to 5225 and all the HELL of THAT place, and now here, at Jacquie’s. It’s LOADED! Especially since it’s never been washed. And soon? It will be saturated in “the end”. Soon.
23.39 and the temperature in the room hasn’t changed at all. The door to the porch is open. The porch door is shut to keep the “critters” out. Ms. Hallie is in the house some-where. Odd, but she’s not in here tonight. I guess she’s getting used to me being here. Coffee and creamer are on the sill for tomorrow when I get up. I’m in no rush. I’ll be re-packing… trying to put “smaller” boxes into larger to make it appear to be less and to make moving it all out that much easier. That’s my “agenda” for tomorrow. On Sunday, Jacquie’s bringing the truck in for wheel and other work at 11.00. She won’t be back too early and I can clean house then. – Meanwhile, time for one more ‘moke and a bit of soc.med… and posting this to the “Journal” tonight… and I’ve got to go through the photos of the 5225 room. (Oh! There’s SO much I could sue them on! But… “Time”… “Karma”… the world will address it all.)

Nigh-night little Dixie-roo! Seepie good. And know… always… that I will always LOVE you SO much!

23.49 Tonight’s storm is rolling in. I look down the bed, over my feet, out the door, through the windows of the back porch, into the blackness… and there, to the West, in the distance… the lightning… and the sounds of thunder… LET IT RIP! – 23.57 The RAIN has begun and my plants are out on the back walk… may the rains wash 5225 off and refresh them.

Sat.6.Aug: 8.56 It was, apparently, not a good night leading into not a good day. Lights went out at 2.00 this morning and I woke at about 7.30, earlier, of course, at 6.00 when the alarm sounded and even earlier for a moment when I looked at the clock, realised that the alarm hadn’t sounded and tried to doze back off to sleep. I’d promised me that I’d sleep until I woke this morning. I’m “woke”. – We didn’t get sufficient rain last night, so the soil in the potted plants is damp but the leaves are still dusty with 5225. – I got the “letter” to FS off to the PO. The “present-tense” version. I KNOW there’s going to be utter HELL from this, but that’s the way it goes. It’s time to take on the *FULL SHELTER* attitude from here on in. I could send my receipts to the IRS on the Gliddens. I could report that heat wasn’t provided. I COULD go to hospital and tell the truth: that my injuries were caused on the property. And I CAN make all of these possibilities quite clear to those at that address. And I MUST… should the need arise. – Other-wise, the letter is off but now I can’t find the good prints of the green inspection! And the only thing I can think of is that I’ve burnt them! It would be “typical” me to do so. I’ve not been in my “right” mind for some time now and yesterday was no exception to that. I can still try to print one or two. But this pisses me off. – Add to this, no word from Vincent. Not that I can get into the car and drive off… but… no word only adds to my ever-increasing anxieties. Alas… I have my BDMs now… enough gas to get to a gas station to get enough to get me to the mountains. And so… there’s my “ticket out”. I focus on that… and really, no further. – I’ve had my coffee and my morning “dump”. Odd… I noticed that there was toilet paper when Jacquie left and there’s none left this morning. It was, most likely, Mark, when he used the facilities. Oh well. There’s no more in the house that I know of. God thing I have a roll of my own. – There’s house-work to be done. There’s PACKING (RE-packing) to be done. It’s not that there’s “nothing to do”. And so, it’s time to check the weather, hope for enough rain to “wash” the house-plants. The sky to the North-West is dark… but there’s sun shining in the yard. – Another miserable day in this town. One day… soon… but never “soon” enough. – (ON Sunday morning 7.58) WELL! THAT took the ENTIRE DAY!… Everything is packed the way it should be. Another 5 “large” boxes from the PO and a LOT of RE-packing of SO MUCH of the other stuff. And yes, it took ALL DAY! It was almost non-stop. AND PAINFUL!!! Moving boxes from room to kitchen, packing and then moving back and stacking. PAINFUL! And I stopped only long enough to have a roll with butter (followed by “tortilla” crisps and some cheese dip stuff before bed). Coffee too. AND THE AFGHAN WENT THROUGH THE WASH AND DRY! IT’S CLEAN! NEVER BEFORE AND FINALLY NOW… CLEAN! And it went through quite well too. I’m relieved. And it fits into a box! So that’s really a relief too. When I rolled it to put it into the box tonight I thought: I’ll “take this with me”. Since there’s been no word from Vincent, I’m starting to cope with the fact that this NY thing is NOT going to come through and that I’ll just be going back to “Go”. And I can take the afghan with me. Indeed. – But all told, it was a LOT of WORK all day. Boxes are labelled and one plastic “tote” is empty (stuffed with plastic bags, actually). And they’re all stacked in the room against the one wall. Truly… if not for the chest of drawers, my “life” would make almost no difference at all in there. Nothing. Oh well… nothing to “have” and nothing to “leave behind”. – It must have been round about 21.00 when I finally got to sit on the recliner to un-wind with 2 beers and 2 “AdvilPM”. The PAIN has been EXCURICATING all day… and nobody knows. NOBODY KNOWS… and NOBODY would even give a shit even if they DID know. That’s the way it goes. – Funny note: It appears 5225 was enjoying the back yard again tonight. Isn’t that charming. There’s a red car parked in front of the house toight… VT plates and parked facing the wrong direction so we can presume… it’s a VTer. I wonder if they repaired the mattress and cleared the room and the “next lunatic” will be settled shortly. We shall see. – There’s almost a feeling of “pride” in knowing that the town, although they don’t speak to me, appreciates ME more than anybody else in that house. As Sue said “You’ll be happier at Jacquie’s.” It doesn’t matter, all things told. But it’s better to be “liked” than to be hated. – And so, 23.00 and I didn’t bother to shower. Too tired. TOO much pain. I didn’t get “dirty” during the day… a touch sweaty, but nothing that demanded a shower. – Tomorrow will be a busy morning. The best I can hope for is either wake with “a little less pain” so that I can get the place cleaned or to simply not wake at all. – But… but… but… I WILL NOT DIE IN THIS SHIT-HOLE STATE!

Sun.7.Aug: 7.56 Crashed last night when I finally got to bed. And this morning? I have to get the house cleaned and catch-up with yesterday. I’m already sitting at the kitchen table, having had coffee and smoke. I need a shower and am wondering if I should take one (and if I’ll have time to do so). Oh well… the only way to find out for certain is… “time”. Let’s get going here! My lower back is still stiff and a bit painful. WHAT has been done to my back? And tomorrow? Oh… fukkit! Let tomorrow take care of itself at this point. I need to take care of today. – 8.12 That was quick. Got yesterday’s finishing notes in already. Let’s hope I can get the house together in good time as well. I’d like to get started but I don’t want to run the Hoover before 8.30 (9.00 might be better but I don’t have all that time). At least it’s not brutally hot this morning. Jacquie’s probably out of work by now and en route to mass. She’s supposed to bring the truck to the mechanic for a once-over at 11.00. If that’s how it goes, it gives me time. – Funny DREAM FRAG this morning: Jacquie had a “friend” or somebody, a woman, I thought (in the dream) from NY, staying in the house. When I came in (because I was in residence also) the house was full of cigarette smoke and Jacquie was lying on a sofa or something, in blankets and comforters. I commented, questioningly, about the cigarettes smoke and Jacquie said “Her’s stings my eyes. Mine doesn’t sting my eyes but her’s does.” and she all but dismissed it. – Oddly enough, when I came into the kitchen at one point yesterday, from a smoke out-side, I thought the kitchen smelled of cigarette smoke too. More reason why I MUST wash the floor and get this place together. A bit of PineSol in hot water… I hope. – Time to roll along here. – 9.03 Just spent a little time back on FB this morning. It’s nice to be in touch with Dorothy again and I CAN’T BELIEVE THE PHOTOS OF DEBBIE AND BRIAN! I still remember them as little kids! THEY’RE AMAZING! Brian’s a father! Debbie’s grown to a beautiful woman. “Time”… Well… I got older. Dorothy turned 65. “Time”. It just keeps moving along. (I need to stop mine.) – 11.31 AND… Hoovered, mopped, and dusted! Even the wood-stove is cleaned-out. And I picked 2 heads of broccoli from the garden, cut it up and rinsed it off. I was hungry whilst I cut… I had a couple bits and… not so much. And now I’m tired again. Sitting back at the table, having my second coffee. Ready for another sleep. – It’s a good morning, weather-wise. A touch over-cast but with a cool breeze. Summer is leaving… August in the North Country. And my anxieties about not hearing from Vincent are… well… I wouldn’t be surprised if it doesn’t have something to do with the back/leg troubles. Oh… to simply be done with all of this shit. – The truck should be up on the lift by now. I wonder if Jacquie will be going shopping after. Well… I didn’t eat much over the week-end (I wonder if the 20lbs doesn’t have something to do with the back trouble). – On to the next… what-ever. – 14.58 and yet another day of “packing”… RE-packing. And sorting through numerous plastic bags, checking for holes. How it reminded me of the night Margot decided, at about mid-night, to go through all of HER plastic bags, checking for holes. The rattling, snapping, and such, as I tried to get some sleep on the sofa there. Some memories will NEVER fade! And now? A tea (Earl Grey… Bigelow) that I found as I re-packed. I just wish I had some place to put it all… where it will NEVER be moved again! Ah… one of these moments. It should, in all honesty and by rights, be NOW. But… time for tea and some silly browsing on the internet. – *Oh! I fixed the busted light in the floor lamp. The old bulb had rotted from its base. Changed. Tah-dah! Fuk. – 22.18 Last two hours
*MAOR DIARRHOEA!!!*
I must have gone every 5-7 minutes since about 20.00 and it’s water… almost purely water, with little flecks of the broccoli. Something in the raw broccoli must’ve done something. I was fine until I had a beer at about 17.30 with Jacquie. And then we both decided to take a nap. I NEEDED one, especially since I haven’t eaten all day and that beer kind of hit me. Well… I laid down and went to sleep until about 20.00. While I slept, Jacquie went up to Pam’s to deliver a birthday gift (the cheese from Kaiser’s). I slept through it. But as soon as I woke up! BANG! THE RUNS! WATER! And they haven’t stopped since. In fact, I only got the time of this entry in and I had to break for the loo again! No real nausea or anything. But now, after all the runs, I’m starting to feel a bit weak and achy. Dehydrating, no doubt. I don’t have time nor the place for this! NOT HERE! NOT NOW! And I don’t have the fan on tonight and it’s smelling rather “strange” already. Death would be nicer, kinder. And I don’t want that here, no in Jacquie’s house. I need to get me moving along… SOON… – Oh well… here’s to hoping for a night of sleep. (Somebody just came down the stairs from the second floor… Walking the dog? Funny how I can hear that, but then, the stairs are attached to the house against the wall here. Never can there be peace.) I need to try for some sleep now. Hopefully this diarrhoea will settle over night… and PLEASE… LET ME SLEEP!

Mon.8.Aug: 22.13 Another day. Fuck! Out of bed by about 7.30 to begin… well… it wasn’t too bad because Jacquie went to a funeral at 11.00 and didn’t get back until about 13.00 and with that time? I PUT SO MUCH MORE PAPER-WORK INTO THE WOOD-STOVE, STRUCK A MATCH AND TURNED IT ALL TO ASH! GONE! EVEN THE P.O. MANUALS. GONE! TAXES FROM THE PAST YEARS. GONE! PAY STUBS FROM VERMONT. GONE! OLD NOTES. GONE! “LIFE”. GONE! DONE! ASH! And now, everything… ***EVERYTHING*** will fit into the Subaru. And I’ve said, several times during the day that I will NOT manage to make it much, if at all, past the end of this month… no matter what. – There’s been no word from Vincent. I doubt I’ll ever see another dollar from Jacquie for anything. And today I broke-down and told her how miserable these 5 years have been in this shit-hole state. Oddly? Her first comment this morning was a resentful “I woke up again this morning.” And as we were in the garden, she commented that she’ll miss the garden but that she’s had enough. I DO believe we’re thinking along the same lines. She just has that “Catholic” inability to take control over her “departure”. How awful that a “religion” has that much control over a mind and body. But… I’m going to look into a nice place in my mountains, get the Subaru together as much as possible and plan… The 22nd would be delightful. I just have to get into the research. – Meanwhile, Jacquie’s planning on a “biz trip” to NH and CT this month. And, she wants ME to go with her. Well… we shall see how it turns out. – This morning started with 2 small bouts of the DIARRHOEA but it seems to have gone away. No constant trots… it seems to have subsided as soon as the burning of the documents and seeing all the packing COMPLETE. We’ll never know. – I weighed me just a while ago before a SHOWER and I’ve LOST 10lbs in the past 3 days. My back is feeling better… in spite of the horrid leg cramp of last night when I tried to get into the sleeping bag. Maybe that too is an improvement. Not that I give a shit in particular. – Oh… and I DID get the “sod” in where Mark spilled the paint on the lawn. I even got to muck it in. Hopefully it’ll take. – Well… on to some soc.med. for the night and try for sleep. I was dozing as we watched TV this evening. The shower has helped take the “edge” off that… but I’m sure it’s only for a bit. – The fan is on tonight… to keep it cool in here and to keep fresh air in. I don’t run it during the day though. – Dixie m’Luv… I miss you and hope with my ALL that you’re in best care. – Faggots… the two of them. How odd… Jacquie says she saw them sitting on the front porch again last evening… there’s time for that, money for gifts and purchases and dinners and such… Lyle? I hope you’re seeing this. Faggots… the two of them. – None of my business any longer.

Tue.9.Aug: Oma would be 110 today! – 21.50 Another day of “Living Hell” is done. It’s what they are now, good or bad… “Living Hell”. Not because of anybody else, but because I don’t want any more “days” at all. This morning, I got right up and to “work” at the kitchen table by about 8.45… grabbing images and making pages for Jacquie’s Catholic stuff… it took me until about 12.30 to finish on 4 fucking pages! And as I was doing that? SHE was making appointments from New Hampshire to Connecticut! The week of… the 22nd August! Fuck ALL! Selfishness! Period. But in honesty, she didn’t know until I told her, which was right after she told ME the dates. In fairness, she asked about the locations of synagogues where I might say Kaddish. But as I say: another day of “Living Hell”. Now she’s planning on ME accompanying her on this next trip… WITH Hallie! I love Hallie as much as she loves me but the idea of sitting in that truck for DAYS? “Living Hell”. Who knows? Maybe I’ll just get up and give up and give in and head to … “the lake” before then. I’m pondering. – Well then, after the “catalogue” work this morning, I headed out to the garden… escape… from me, the world, the shit, the Hell… and “cultivated”… with the claw-tools… got the row by the sunflowers weeded and then moved across to the trellises where the peas are. It was hot, yes. I took my shirt off for some “colour” on my chest and back and hoped the sun might help alleviate my pain. (I’m just out of the shower… I’ve a bit of colour… as for the pain? It was there anyway.) I had a good day yesterday… not so lucky today. But the work went along. I took my music with. Jacquie came out round 14.00 to call “break” and I had a sandwich and she, the broccoli soup. (I’m now terrified of the broccoli… damn it.) She wanted me to take it easy and not go back to the garden… I went. Shortly after, she came out… she took Hallie to go vote. Me? I don’t give a shit about the governours or shit about this state. I worked in the garden. When they, Jacquie and Hallie, came back, Jacquie came out to weed too! I worked the trellises and she, the row of peppers. OH! We have eggplants! We BOTH hope I can eat THOSE (since it’s now no cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower…. my body’s gone fucky). – A load of fire-wood was delivered this evening. (MR. WOODHAULER WILL BE CALLED TO ACTION FOR THE STACKING… I’VE NO DOUBT!!!!) – We worked until about 18.00 and came in. – Tonight we had, for dinner: “new potatoes” (from the garden) with beans (from the garden) and “new potatoes with peas (from the garden) and tortellini (from Aldis, Plattsburgh) in sauce with grated cheese. I also had 2 Advil with a beer and a half… IT WORKED ON THE PAIN! (I just had 2 acetaminophen with a glass of water… in case.) After dinner, we watched a bit of the “snews”, I took Hallie out for a ‘moke’n’stroll. – It was about 21.10 when Jacquie woke and said she was ready for bed. Me? I was ready WAY before that but when she got up to go to bed, I got up, closed the front door, turned off the TV and headed in for a SHOWER! – Tomorrow, Jacquie wants me to go to BTV with her, (and Hallie) whilst she’s in “Staff Meeting”. I should take Hallie swimming some-where and the she wants to go see that “Clinton” movie: “Hillary’s America”. Me? I don’t give a shit about the movie any more. I DID… I DON’T. And I’ve NO doubt at all I’ll be pulled along into the “Hallie-sitting” in the truck for 3-4 hours. (And I’m down to the last 50 of the 100 from Pam and I don’t see anything coming in the way of pay for the work… Oddly, this evening I thought of Kevin… who worked for the “Mooks” or what-ever… He had a room, the kitchen and such, did house-chores and the likes AND got paid quite well. BUT THESE people don’t see things that way. HERE, WORK is EXPECTED. Jacquie’s a sweet-heart but I’ve seen: she deducts 100$/mo. from the rent up-stairs for them RIDING on a mower and doing a shit job of the lawn. 100$! for an hour’s riding about. But… I’m the fuck-tard… again… although… not really because truthfully, I won’t do anything I truly don’t want to or can’t. As for the Hallie-sitting? We’ll see. – Well… I should reply to Dorothy’s e-mail. She’s in the Catskills today. Shame we couldn’t get together. Or maybe not. She says she wants to read the book… I’ll just send her a copy of both versions via e-mail. I’ll tell her a bit about the fucking “review” on Amazon from Tony… briefly I’ll tell… I do NOT want a connection with her to lead to a connection with them. And giving her the book is… well… my choice and prerogative. Let her read it for the subject matter, not my story. – Now? It’s time for last ‘moke. I’ve got 4 in the pack. – And tonight I hope to sleep well, deeply, soundly, PAINLESSLY! I had another leg cramp last night. The fan is on “recirculate” on high… and my “blankets”? The table cloth, my OWS banner and the “dog flannel”. Ah… it’s fine… it truly is… – PS: If anything negative happens from Bobo and Gordo… a letter of “rent” un-claimed will be going to the authorities… along with some to go to social services… for which, I should think… the “widder-bitch” will be accountable. We shall see… I’m prepared. – Oma? 110 years… You’re the fortunate one… you missed the REAL SHIT! See you soon.
PONDER:
22.25 Just in from last ‘moke and as I stood out in the night, my heart ached for Dixie and how cruel it was when she jumped up to kiss me and get kisses when I grabbed the last of my things from 5225; Bobo called her away from me sternly. She was so happy to see me again and he was bitterly cruel to her. So tonight I asked Noel and Schnitzel to tell her that it’s all OK. One day, we’ll see each-other again… with-out “them”. She’ll see “them” but I won’t. And for me, that’ll be just perfect. And then I looked across the Highgate street to the houses there and I thought:
People make such an important matter of owning their houses, and cars and furnishings and such. ALL people do. Must have “the best” and hold tightly to it. Few will actually “share” a house with others, and precious few will even consider providing shelter for another, unless there’s a “price” of some kind to be paid. And yet, what they DON’T consider is this: One day, they will die, be dead, gone, and somebody else will inherit that house and “stuff” or, somebody will buy it. And what’s not bought and taken will simply be discarded or sold-off, probably to strangers for whom none it will mean anything. And those too, will die, and the house will simply turn over to a stranger, and the furnishings will be tossed and become garbage… and eventually, there will be no trace of those who, today, clutch tightly to their shit. It will be gone. The furnishings will become landfill or recycled something sold in a cheap store. The house? Eventually it will become an empty lot, or be demolished to make way for another building. Nothing of “today” will remain… “tomorrow”. How stupid, how utterly stupid… the selfishness of people. No thought of their own demise, their own non-existence. It’s as I’ve said: If, 10 years after our death, we remain even a memory of somebody… even that too… the memory, will, in time, be gone and NONE of “today” will have ever happened.

Wed.10.Aug: 0.02 STILL AWAKE! I made the most horrific mistake of going to FB! PHOTOS! Dorothy… current… and a photo of her, Aunt Sis, Donna and Tommy. Rips my guts out. And the horror of her, Dorothy, being in touch with… sister… and HER being “Oh my gosh!” Bull-shit little shit. I SO just want to pack the car and leave. I NEED to get AWAY! The “BIG” “away”. – 18.51 Sitting here on the recliner in a sweat! Jacquie left round about 11.30 and I parked on the recliner, watched a little snews and at about 15.00, I went to bed to “nap”… for almost 2 and a half hours! Just had a toasted chibatta roll and butter and the tea that I’d made before the nap. And I’m ready to go back to sleep… or to vomit. Food. It’s making me ill. OK. Yes. It’s a particularly hot day. It was 30° with Humidex of 38. I was on FB for a bit earlier and made a couple of comments and such. Kristie sent a link to a video where some guy in S.E. Louisiana is making crochet mats from plastic bags for the Homeless down that way. Pier posted that he needed a couple of beers to do the yard work. I thanked Kristie, told Pier I prefer 50’s. Kept away from the politics. And that just knocked me out. I don’t know. It’s as I told Jacquie this morning: I’m becoming useless. Truly… that’s how I feel… becoming useless. It’s a bit sad, a bit frightening. And all the while I keep thinking that this “gig” at the B&B is going to fall through and I’ll be “stuck” here… and that’s depressing. I need to get the car repaired enough to get me to the mountains. I need to get “me” out of “here”… soon, fast, quickly… now. I can NOT continue on this way. – But my back and legs were better today. Oh well. – Now? Jacquie went to a film at 17.00. It’s about “103 minutes” long so she should be back by about 20.00 or so. She has to go to work tomorrow too. And I broke the last 50 to get 2 packs of smokes. Money’s disappearing and … well… I suspect my FS will fall through too. There’s a letter in the box, no doubt. But… I’m packed. Just toss everything into the car and go. (I need gas for that too. hopefully there’s enough in the barn.) – Oh well… one thought just came as I had my smoke out in the brutal sun: Jacquie’s planning on a “road trip” a week from Monday. I COULD simply go along with what comes along and enjoy it for the experience. It doesn’t seem that she wants me “out of here”. It’s “ME” who wants me out of here. No doubt she needs the company… I’m just not the “company” type… and I keep thinking, from experience… the moment is “soon” when I’ll hear: You have to leave. It’s happened before. No matter what or how much I “do”… it’s never enough. Oh well… the moment is coming… I need to get prepared. Time to wind-down… and move along… and … LEAVE IT ALL. – I’m SO tired! – 23.04 Jacquie got in about 30 minutes ago, we sat and chatted, partly about the movie, mostly about politics. And now, it’s another night of close-to-midnight. And it’s BRUTALLY HOT! – No “wind-down”. And I’m a little hungry. Today I had a tranche of banana bread and a bit of blueberry betty… this evening, a roll with butter. And every time I ate, it made me nauseated. Oh well… my body’s started to reject food. Good! – I found WONDERFUL directions to “The Mountain”… a delightful place to “go”. Maps from the satellite and all. I’m now looking forward to it. I just have to get my “affairs and such” together and prepared. This won’t be another Shongum fukkup. I’ve no time for any more nonsense. Now? It’s just a matter of getting my shit together…. RELIEF! – For the immediate now, a little soc.med. and hopefully a restful sleep. (Oddly, my hips are starting to hurt again… it WAS an OK day… except for the heat. But 2,5 days are coming… when and where I’ll be able to REST if/when I want. And NO running house-to-house… 5225-to-5199-to-5225-to…) – (On Friday morning, 9.35, recounting…) Ah… this day… yet another one to remind me of how important it is to GET THE ACTUAL FUCK THE HELL OUT OF THIS SHIT-HOLE STATE! AS I WORTE ON A PAD AS THE BEGINNING OF A POTENTIAL SHORT STORY:
”You’ve heard of ‘State Institutions’ for the psychotic; Vermont is an ‘Institution State’. If you come here and are comfortable, you’re detrimentally fucking nuts.”
The morning went by slowly with coffee and chat and listening to Jacquie planning her road-trip in a week. And NOW she wants to go to WAPPINGERS! FUCK! I’m being dragged BACK to places I’d really rather NEVER see again! Yes, she’s got “business” but FUCK ME! I don’t want to go! Still, I realised later today: IF… and this is a HUGE *IF*… *IF* I get a “Maryrose” commission out of this, it’ll go to the Subaru and my ESCAPE FROM THIS FUCKING SHIT-HOLE! SO… that said, I’ll just have to grin and eat the shit a little while longer. I wonder if this is how others managed to become “successful”… and if that’s why the word begins with “suck”. – SO… that matter and issue done… in the MISERABALE HEAT AND HUMDITY OF THE DAY… I went out to scrub Ms. Hallie’s “tschwimming” tub and fill it. Forecast was for truly MISERABLE and by about 9.00, it WAS! Ms. J. was out shortly there-after and in the garden… WEEDING! Mais…. VOYONS DONC! In the blistering sun? OK. We each have our “escape therapy” and weeding IS a wonder in that respect. So, as soon as I was done with Hallie’s tub, I decided, in spite of feeling shitty and a bit of pain in the back and legs, I got to cleaning the weeds I’d pulled yesterday. And got them done. Meanwhile, I watched, this year, again, as last, as the vegetables got gathered and I heard: I’ll bring this to… I’ll bring this to… So-and-So likes this… Do you think one’s enough… Pull that weed before it goes to seed!… Oh look at THIS! You missed it! (As if I care about another year of gardening and watching work being given away. OK. So my toils, and the general gardening feed others . “Good for the soul.” Meanwhile, my own existence is one MASSIVE DEPRESSION! Honestly? The “others” don’t do shit for me. Yes, I have a “room” and a place to keep my few belongings safe. But SERIOUSLY? The “return” on my “work” is fucked-up.) ANY…way… at about 13.00 or so, we finished-up and came back inside for a break. I loaded BAGS of veggies into the truck for J. and at at table, whilst she attended other business. (The Stanhopes are giving her more shit over at that house, with all the “repairs” and complaints. UN-fortunately, there seems to be actual probs there now with the furnace and such. Still… I don’t understand the whole situation: Yes, they’ve made MAJOR repairs in the place, and J. covered materials and their labours have been intense. But to take so much for granted, like buying paint and claiming it cost them 300$ and saying nothing… AND putting that POOL into the yard and such things. Seriously and honestly, these people here, in this state, take the WORLD for granted. Maybe *I* should learn a lesson from them and join, instead of trying to interject “ethics and “intelligence”. Maybe… but I doubt it.) – AND THEN *IT* HAPPENED… THE “THROW ME OVER THE CLIFF” MOMENT:
I got on-line to check for messages and the likes, (still waiting for the “nasty” from 5225 and FS and such) and THERE… ON FB… A MOST BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE FROM DEBBIE! THANKING ME FOR BEING SUPPORTIVE AND HELPFUL, WRITING TO HER, TEACHINIG HER TO DANCE THE “SHAG”, AND VISITING AND BEING KIND AND LOVING TO HER. I WAS SO TOUCHED TO MY SOUL! SO I READ THE MESSAGE TO J. I MEAN, IT’S NOT OFTEN THAT SOMEBODY… ANYBODY HAS EVER BEEN “KIND” TO ME IN WRITING! WELL! AS HAS BEEN SO FUCKING TYPICAL IN THIS STATE (and, for the most part… my existence, but MORE-SO in this state if INFERIORITY)… SHE SIMPLY BUMPED IT OFF, DODGED, IGNORED, COMPLETELY AND LITERALLY AND WENT ON SOME TANGENT ABOUT MAKING TOMATO SANDWICHES! FUCK ME! EH? JUST FUCK THE FUCKING SHIT THE FUCK OUT OF ME! NOT EVEN AN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF HAVING HEARD MY VOICE! DAMN ME! DAMN HER! DAMN THIS STATE OF PSYCHOTIC SHITS! DAMN IT *ALL*! IT HIT ME WORSE THAN A STEEL BALL TO THE CHEST! I don’t look for parades, celebrations, la-dee-das. But it would have been “kind”, if nothing more or less, to simply acknowledge a compliment. “How nice.” or “That’s wonderful.” or “That’s sweet.” or something. But NOTHING! ABSOLUTE NOTHING! BOOM! as they say on soc.med. BOOM! and BOOM! again! My insides just collapsed. So I let her make her sandwich and said that I wasn’t hungry. DID manage to toss in a few “comments” about how *I* feel about this state, the people and all in general (NONE of which was even remotely “favourable”) and said that I needed to go for a walk. “Where?” she asked. “I don’t know and I don’t care. I just need to go for a walk.” and I left. Ah… but in this shit-hole, there’s no place to GO TO! So I sat on the bench at the corner where I just felt the pressure close-in on me. Wrapped round my head and chest, clamping round my “being” and even into my soul. Sitting at that corner was HORROR! I don’t really “dislike” this place, town, state… it’s WAY BEYOND “HATE”! It’s disgusting! Sickening… literally. SICKENING! So… as I do, I did… DODGE the facts… I headed back to the garden to… pull weeds… in the HEAT AND HUMIDITY… I got on the little plastic scoot-about and began… in earnest, pulling weeds, protecting the few carrots that are trying to grow amongst the purselane. I got half down a row and noticed… J. had LEFT! Just gotten up and left. OK. Fine. Great! SHE had “gym” to go to before work and then to work. Good-bye. Au revoir. Sionarra. What-ever. And I figured: It’s either there or soon to come, the note “I’m sorry. I can’t have all this stress. You’ll have to leave.” So I came into the house for a drink of water (which became a tough of orange juice, some “lemon” club soda and a double shot of tequila to wash down 2 acetaminophen because I was in PAIN!!!!!!!! again… but nobody would know, needed to know, would give a shit anyway if they did know. But… no note… nothing… as usual, she just up-and-left… and the kitchen was as it is… cluttered and in need of attention… which it didn’t get from me. I had my “beverage” and as it kicked-in, I got the notion… I checked on-line for best ways to stack fire-wood! Found and watched a couple videos as the booze and pills took hold of the pain and in moments, I headed back out the door…
TO STACK THE FIRE-WOOD!!! in spite of my pain. MR. WOODHAULER RETURNS!!!
It meant clearing and cleaning the pallets, hauling another one to make the stack 3-pallets long, re-stacking the cedar, and such. But I got to it. The temperature HAD to be at least 32 with a Humidex of at least the forecast of 42°. But… better to “DO” something than to sit about pissing in my depression. I got to work. It was, according to my photos, 15.40 already. But away I went. Ah… it was going rather well-enough, the stacking wasn’t as difficult as I’d anticipated, BUT… KABOOM!!!…
About 45 minutes in, one of the bits of wood came SLAMMING DOWN on my FINGER! Middle finger, left hand! It hurt only a bit and then I realised that my glove was “wet”. Looking at it, the tip of the middle finger, left, was RED! I was BLEEDING! So I took the glove off to see… a blood blister than had punctured. BLOOD was soaking into the glove! There wasn’t much pain, so I just went into the loo, fumbled through the vanity, found some band-aids, put them on the finger, put the gloves back on and… BACK TO WORK! As I worked I couldn’t help but think: Ah… Debbie and Dorothy have access to my FB and so, through them, no doubt, so do the rest. I wonder what the others will think when they see the “old man” stacking wood, busting fingers, mowing lawns and this shit. Hell… yes… I might be a shitter and fucktard, useless to most in many ways, but FUCK ME! I’m working MORE and HARDER and have FAR exceeded the rest. Is my existence “perfect”? FUCK NO! BUT… it’s been productive and MANY have MORE than benefited TREMENDOUSLY… WHETHER THEY ADMIT IT OR NOT! And so, in the heat and humidity, I continued. I took photos… for “Woodhauler” in particular. But then the thought: I’ll simply send one or two with this evening’s “report” to J. No comments… just attach and send. No doubt, she’ll assume her little Millennial twat did the work. I’ve no doubt about that at all. But as I’ve witnessed through my life-time: When we give others the rope… they inevitably hang themselves. Let it be… Let it go… I shall. – At one point, Kailah came in. “You know this is TOTALLY the WRONG day to be doing that!” she called. “TOTALLY!” I replied… and continued. Later, she walked by, as I as finishing the stacking, commented on doing such work in this heat and I said “It’s therapy.” “I go into my room, close the door, sit alone. That’s my therapy.” she said. Indeed. Me? When I “work through” my pain, I “WORK” through it and when I’m done, I have something to look at, take photos of. Oh well… and my “work” continued until…. almost 19.00 when, as the shadows lengthened, I took the final photos of the “Job Completed”. I was a mess… in need of MORE pain meds, but it was DONE… and I DID IT… ALONE… SOLO… AGAIN… naturally! FUCK the rest of these low-lifes. FUCK this state! FUCK this town! THEIR work has been done… AGAIN… by ME! THEY think ME “useless”… when, in fact, ’tis THEY who are USELESS, selfish, self-serving. And, even as I think of the North end of the front yard of 5225, weeds and such growing on the wood-chips because of the fatness and laziness of the faggots there-in… when I’m done and gone from here… the rest of the place will be the same… weeds, sad… gone… good-bye. –
THIS DAY WAS DONE! I came in, grabbed the left-over tortellini from the fridge (because if I don’t eat it… it’ll go to the trash or compost like most food round here), parked in front of the TV for a bit and ate… having fed Hallie… it was about 19.00 and time to FUCK THE DAY! After, I took a “slice” of the blueberry what-have-you with a bit of ice cream. Dinner… done. And it was OFF TO THE SHOWER and to WASH THE FILTH FROM THE CLOTHES OF THE DAY! – At about 20.00, I checked for messages and to send “report” WITH PHOTOS of the stacked wood. From J: sorry I didn’t see you when I left. I thought you were mad. Hope not at me. Please eat. Beets in butter. Hopefully you’ll tolerate them. Etc. I simply replied “I’m not mad”. and went on with making light of the day, not mentioning the wood-stacking at all, nor the bloody finger. I don’t give a shit… because I KNOW that the work will either be ignored or credited to somebody else or there will be excuses made as to why others “can’t” do the work and the likes OR ALL of these things. It doesn’t matter. This is a shit town, in a shit state, full of shit people… shit… in the water, the air, the soil. the people… shit, shit and more shit… and that’s a “Literal”. – Well then… I got the large fan from up-stairs, put it into the living-room. Poor Hallie spent a LOT of time laying on the wood floor in the hall or on the floor in the bath-room. SO SO HOT! But the fan helped a touch. We watched a bit of “snews”, took out strolls. Poor thing… so hot and “stinky” of “dog” from the heat. But she wouldn’t use her tub out-side today. I wonder. Still… gotta love her. She depends on her “people” so much and no matter where I go, she’s not far away. I DO love her… but KRISTE! I miss m’Dixie! I hope SHE’S doing OK. I still can’t get over how miserable those faggots are, at 5225, making certain to keep her (Dixie) away from me and me away fro her. Well? I did tell J. a while back “I don’t see this ending amicably.” It didn’t. – It must have been round about mid-night when I took a sneak out the door of the “little room” for a ‘moke. When I came back in, got back into bed, Hallie came in… checking to make sure I was still in the house. What a love…

Fri.12.Aug: 0.42 Getting to sleep…. AT LAST! But I’m showered, the fan is on in the living-room and kitchen and in this “little room” but JEEZUS! It’s HOT and HUMID! – No plans for waking at any particular time tomorrow… when (if) it happens, it does. Fukkit! – 9.24 Slept, this morning, until almost 9.00!!! And woke to… RAIN at last! And a quiet house, with Ms. Hallie laying on the cool floor in the hall-way out-side the “little room” door. So I took my vit.C, made my way out to the porch, and brought my plants out for a REAL RAIN bath. Bless them… REAL water… REAL rain. – And now? I’ve managed to put the kitchen table back to “order” (again), am in t-shirt and shorts and my finger? Well… it’s rather blackened with dried blood. Not painful though. Bandaged. And typing is a bit awkward. But, one thing I must say for this morning… no pain to speak of, back nor finger. Rain, no pain. Lets’ see how it can be fucked-up… and, I’ve NO doubt it will be… – I still have to catch-up with yesterday too. And I’d like to get to writing… a short story… something… to “leave behind” about this shit-hole state and 5 years of bull-shit (cow shit and septic spray). I can’t help but think of yesterday’s message from Jacquie: I thought you were mad… and my simple reply: “I’m not mad.” – OH! Must add: WOW! AS I was getting comfortable enough to doze off last night (this morning?), the THROBBING and BURNING in that left, middle finger! MISERABLE! I must have had the bandage too tight because when I took the “wrap” off.. .it was better. But for those moments it has HELL! Seriously… I injure me for others… Their appreciation? Fukkit! – 22.51 What can I say other than: It rained all day today. And so, a lot of almost nothing got “accomplished”. I DID get the wood-pile photos to Woodhauler, and a post to go with it. I DID get this morning’s Journal posted on-line, with photos of the wood-pile and my finger. It took most of the entire day too. But then, I didn’t get started until late… having slept-in until almost 9.00. So I can’t really complain… too much. I got to the PO today. Nothing but 2 pieces of “junk”. No news from the FS which could be “good” and could be “horrific”. I’ll expect the latter to come soon. And I got to the store for smokes, which leaves me with a flat 20$. And I took the bandage off the finger, so I’m typing with all fingers now. AND I DID COOK! I sliced the eggplant, run under cold water and dipped into bread crumbs and fried in a stick and a half of butter… took the tomato from the garden and hand-crushed it into the pan, sprinkled a bit of cheese on it all and fried it almost to death. Half of it was “dinner”… “meal”. Filling. Not too bad. The rest is in a bowl for tomorrow. I hope it settles in the gut. – Other than that? Nothing, really. A little soc.med. posting. A beautiful note from Debbie which I replied to. I wish I could remember all the wonderful things she says I did. But I guess maybe my presence there really DID make a lot of difference to her and for that, I’ll be eternally happy and grateful. It’s good being in touch with them again… even if for a short while. – And I saw that there WAS a reply/response to the photos I’d sent to J. Something about it being too hot to do that work. WHAT-evUH! The work… her work… is done. It’s done. There won’t be any particular monetary gratitude for it. But what the fuck? MY “needs” don’t matter… THEIRS do. That’s how it is. – My bitter hatred against this state just keeps growing inside me. I MUST get the means to GET OUT and AWAY from here. – And tonight, I’m coming to terms with the move to NY, to the B&B to crash. I’m coming to terms with it being just another bit of bull-shit in my life. And so? I’m glad the tarp I thought I’d left in the 5225 barn is here. I’ll be planning on building the little “tent” in the mountains… soon… to put me to sleep. – And tonight, I put scented oil in the lamp ring and put it into the little light on the shelf beside the bed. It smells much nicer… “warmer”… “cleaner”. I should have done that from the beginning. But better now that never at all, I suppose. – Hallie has been rather lethargic today. She seems a bit “down”. Probably missing her Mum. And I’ve not been my “playful” self either. And she’s got that horrid “dog” odour about her… and is constantly licking. I’ve no doubt she’s got some kind of irritation. A bath needed? I don’t know. And I don’t know if I can give her one in the tub. Nor should I, with this open blister on the finger. Oh well… her “Mama” will have to deal with it, come the time. (Hopefully Sunday will continue the rains. I’m NOT looking forward to HAVING to go sit in the sun, on the banks of some “pond”.) – I had a relatively good day with the back pain. It’s returning tonight though. At this rate, it’ll never go away now. And I worry more about making it up the mountains than much else. I need to stop thinking SO much about EVERYBODY ELSE and focus more on ME and MY health. I need to be able to climb… at least a bit. And I need to get the Subaru in shape to make it TO the mountain… and the fuck out of this bull-shit. – Well… 23.05 again. Time for a quick run through the soc.med. and a nap…. Tomorrow though, I can sleep until I wake again… that’s charming and most welcome. – A note though: 21.00 and the bull-shit stomping and banging commences up-stairs… and runs right up to almost now. I’ve noticed that J. doesn’t seem to want to “do” anything about it. She’s SO wrapped in those twats up there. Oh well… thankfully I don’t actually “live” here… and I don’t see me here much longer… after all… we’re in the “double-digit” days of the month. Time… is running out.

Sat.13.Aug: 9.02 At about 8.00, I was awakened by “Mmmm-mmmm-mmng-ng-ng-ng”. Ms. Hallie said it was time to get up! So? On this rainy Shabbat morn, I am… ‘awake”… again… and not knowing why I bother, other than it would be unfair not to wake here, leaving some societal, ethical responsibility to dispose of my carcass-remains on the shoulders of some-one whose responsibility it isn’t. I’ve had my coffee, had 2 smokes, and am dressed in my usual: t-shirt and jeans. Another day has begun. WHO the actual fuck cares? – In my head, the song “Cracklin’ Rosie” rolls on and on. Debbie, Brian, Aunt Sis, Dorothy, Donna… and old car, driving down a dark, back road to some-where. And an old car… Aunt Sis, Dorothy, Donna… on the way to a local gin-mill. “Cracklin’ Rosie get on board. We’re gonna ride ’til there ain’t no more to go… takin’ it slow.” – 22.21 An almost completely wasted day to end an almost completely wasted week-end… BUT… my legs and back are better so I must give credit there. The day? Rain… rain… and more rain… and now as I type from the bed in the “little room”…. rain. Good for me. Good for the lawn. Good for the gardens. And so that’s all there is to that. – I DID get to send more correspondence to and receive from Debbie who is a marvel! I STILL can’t get over how much of an impression I made on her. I wonder about Brian though. I commented on a photo that he posted on FB and he “liked” but never commented. Debbie says he’s like me in that he does for everybody else. Ah… well… of course. We came from similar back-grounds and so, we ALL try to “fix the world because we can’t fix ourselves”. Oh well… maybe one of these days… maybe not. I just keep thinking that I’m at the “end” of my own bit here at a time when this is just beginning. Well? That’s the way shit flies. And I’m rather sure that when the correspondence ends, all will return to the way it was. – I’m sorry that I couldn’t make it to see Dorothy whilst she’s up North. Maybe it’s for the better or the best. I don’t know, won’t know and well… it’s another one of those things that, once we’re all dead and gone, won’t matter to anybody anyway. – That was the “event” of my day… FB. – I DID move the Subaru a bit and reverse made a bit of a grinding noise. I think I’ll have to work on the “gas” issue and get it rolling a bit more now. Ah… the “gas”… interesting point considering there’s no income anymore. (Yes, I’m STUCK HAVING to get on the road for this trip… in a week from Monday! FUCK ME! And even THEN, there’s NO telling IF there’ll be any income generated from that since I’ve already heard “I’ll get you a separate room.” I’ve NO doubt that THAT will be the “commission”. Fine… at the end of the trip… the end of the road.) – No matter… I didn’t get to do my washing. There really wasn’t much-to-any to do save my pillow cases and jammies which were done on Thursday anyway. I didn’t get to shave or trim my beard or cut me hair. But that doesn’t really matter either, considering where I am, what I’m doing and who sees me. Fukkit. MAYBE I’ll bother before hitting the road. Maybe I won’t. WTF. Period. – Poor Hallie’s been so “down” this week-end. Most likely because I’ve been so quiet and docile. I’m sorry for her but at least she wasn’t in a kennel and she’s got company. She’s got her “people” around her. Meanwhile, poor Dixie probably sits in that shit-cave hour after hour being ignored or screamed at. – I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS TOWN, OUT OF THIS STATE, AWAY FROM THIS SHIT! – And there we have the end of this day… and what is, essentially, the end of my week-end. Tomorrow morning the kitchen gets cleaned, the floors get cleaned… and the shit recommences. In spite of all the rain, there’ll be talk about “swimming” and “lakes” and “ponds” and the likes. There’ll be “trips”, “travel” and that sort of thing. But as we know… OTHERS “WORK”… *I* DO NOT! Right-oh then… the fucking wood is stacked… you’re welcome… part of the garden is weeded… you’re welcome… fuck you… you’re welcome. – I’m done… off to a touch of soc.med. and fukkoff the rest of you…. you’re welcome…. shits!

Sun.14.Aug: 7.47 (Nice hour to be commencing with this, what would have been the “Final Day” of my “Eviction” from 5225. Fuck those faggots!) I’ve had coffee, my smoke… and a morning shit. The blanket from the sofa is in the wash… the FUNK on that thing is disgusting! Hallie woke me at about 7.00 this morning with her repulsive licking which she is doing even now as I sit at the kitchen table. It’s over-cast, but looks to threaten a clearing. The forecast calls for more rain. I can only hope. Rain will mean no travelling and I don’t want to travel… because it just means being stuck in the truck with… the stench of dog. – I’m DOWN! Very DOWN this morning because of not having heard a word from Vincent. And so, as I begin to clean this place up, plans… finish, end, halt, stop. – I never got to do all the things I’d intended to do with this week-end. Too late now. In for the next 5 days of “ick”. Oh well…. so be it. There seems to be no end to this shit. But I know, from experience: this shit will end when the next shit commences. So? So… – Check the soc.med. for a bit. No sense starting the Hoover before 8.00. And then? Move along… just keep rolling along… along… along… a… LONG! FUCK ME! – 9.50 The stank blanket on the sofa is washed and dried. Floors Hoovered and mopped. Dishes done and put up. The “compost” bucket, emptied and cleaned. Fresh water for Ms. Hallie. Correspondence to Vincent, sent. The sun is breaking through the clouds and the humidity and heat return. My stomach cramps. All returns to “normal”. And I’m tired again… “normal”. Now for a coffee, a bit of soc.med. and then? WORK! MUST WORK! Lest I hear the ear-shattering whines of what I “didn’t” do… which will come, no matter what. – I keep thinking of the old Québec adage: It is not necessary to recite the mass twice for the deaf. (No, it does no good… once or twice.) – 23.03 Showered and just getting into bed after a some-what gruelling and some-what very nice day. – By 10.30 I had washed the dishes, emptied the compost bucket, Hoovered and washed the floors. DONE! NEXT, I went out to the garden, dug up 3 zinnias and transplanted them by the phone shed, fertilised and watered them in. NEXT, it was out to the garden to finish the weeding. I don’t know what time it was when J. got back but as I figured, the first words were “DRIVE to…” I TOLD her I didn’t want to go and I TOLD her that I’m tired and in pain and that I DON’T want to stand in the sun throwing rocks for Hallie all afternoon. It made no difference… as expected. She made a comment about being in a “better mood” and I clearly told her that I am not and will not be “better”. It made no difference. BUT she too, got busy weeding the garden until she insisted that I stop for a beer. I hadn’t even stopped to eat all day. Ah… but let me mention: this morning, as I was weeding, I put my coffee mug under the hot water to rinse and went to to the planting. When I got done with that, I came in, discovered the mug under the hot, running water… and… poured cold club soda in it… *C*R*A*C*K*!!! I’d bought that mug immediately when I arrived in this shit-hole state. It made the trip from Richford all through the horror days of the return to The City and when it made it back to VT, I was rather thrilled…. 5 years… and today… SHOT! As we weeded the garden, I told J. about it and said that it was “fate”… I need to leave VT. Now then… MORE “of interest”:
AS I WAS WEEDING ALONG IN THE GARDEN, BOBO CAME OUT TO MOW THE LAWN OVER AT 5225… HE STARTED MOWING ALONG THE FENCE, SAW ME IN THE GARDEN AND IMMEDIATELY HEADED TO THE VERY BACK OF THE YARD! GUILT! HE CAN’T EVEN SIMPLY MOW HIS OWN FUCKING LAWN WHEN I’M AROUND. FAGGOT. *** AND… AS J. AND I WERE WORKING, PRIOR TO THE LAWN-MOWING INCIDENT, WE BOTH HEARD GORDO SHRIEKING AT DIXIE! AND I MEAN “SHRIEKING”… LIKE SOME WOUNDED BANSHEE. IT STOPPED BOTH J. AND I… SHE LOOKED DOWN, THEN UP AT ME AND WITH A CRACK IN HER VOICE ASKED “WHAT CAN I DO?” THERE’S REALLY NOTHING WE CAN DO… OTHER THAN HAVE OUR HEARTS TORN. IT HURTS HER AS MUCH AS IT HURTS ME. IF I KNEW IT WOULD BE FOR THE BEST, I’D REPORT THE SHIT AT THAT HOUSE AND HAVE DIXIE “RESCUED”… I JUST MIGHT BEFORE I LEAVE HERE…***
– WELL! When I came in from the garden, there was a NEW MUG… THE EXACT SAME MUG, on the kitchen table. She didn’t tell me, until we were on the road, how it came to be. INTERESTING AND RATHER AMAZING STORY…. but first… when we came in for a beer, there was only one. I took 4 acetaminophen because my legs were so painful that I actually HAD to lay back on the grass a couple of times during the weeding. MY LEGS NO LONGER WANT TO HOLD ME UP! Well… J. went to the store and got more beer and we each had one… and then came the FINALE… She insisted that we go to “Caspian Lake”… a 2-hour drive away, with the promise that I could sit on the shore and she’d attend to the stone-throwing and such. Well… by then it was already 16.30! BUT… I acquiesced. We got into the truck and were off… and as we drove across the 105 toward Enosburgh, J. told me of the mug: One of her grands has cystic fibrosis and they hold a benefit “sale” of some kind to benefit the cause locally. A while ago, J. bought that mug for 2,50$ as a “contribution” and tossed it into a bag of one of her “clients” and left it there. This past week-end, she found the mug and somebody at the house where she works, put it into their dishwasher… She decided to bring it home only today! The VERY day that mine cracked! So she gave me that one… the EXACT SAME MUG! And to think… she brought it home… TODAY! She almost cried as she told me about it. “You were meant to have it. You have to believe in even ‘little miracles’ now.” she said. Well… it IS amazing! As for “believing”? Well… who’s to say, really? – Well then, on we drove, down the 108 to Jerffersonville as I’d done on trips between Jericho and Richford, and then off onto the 15 South-ward and through all sorts of little towns and such. J. drove. We chatted. I ignored much because of my pain. We stopped in a little village where she bought sandwiches, a “Twisted Tea” for me, beer for her, some crisps for a “picnic” a the lake and we drove to the public beach which almost reminded me of Minnewaska! The lake, Caspian, is beautiful! Crystal clear, nice grassy area, boat launch… the sky was cloudy and there was a cool breeze. I was still filthy, having come directly from the garden. But, unlike years gone by, I didn’t much care. I looked “local”… filthy. J. set a towel on the cement “jetty” which was quite comfy, I tossed some stones for Hallie until 2 women came by with a Golden Retriever and a little “Terrier-mix” of some sort. “Buz” was the little one and “Tucker” was the Retriever and they ALL had such fun with Hallie as I tossed stones for them to “fetch” in the lake! Honestly… the acetaminophen and beer and tea did SOME good… My legs STILL didn’t want to hold me up, but sitting and cooling and some-what relaxing did a world of good. We ate the little dinner (I’m still SO HUNGRY! and discovered the last package of Pop Tarts before I took my shower… MIRACLE!) and as the sun was all but gone over the mountains, we left. I drove the drive back in the dark. It took a couple of hours but it was OK in spite of the pain in my back and legs. We got back to the house at “22.01” as J. told. – Not a totally horrific day. – Now then, tomorrow… she’s back on the road with Ms. Maryrose… they’re off to Québec for some trip or another… not an all-day affair, as I’m to understand it, but at least I’ll have time to make a wash! YAY! MAYBE I’ll get to trim my beard and shave too! (Hair-cut on the week-end because I’m stuck going to CT with her on Monday… SHIT!) – And as for now, the fan is going, the thermo reads 74°F, I’m clean and bringing this day to a quick scoot through the soc.med. (Hoping to see GOOD NEWS from Vincent in response to my message to him!) Then? TRY for some sleep! I’M HUNGRY TONIGHT… POP TARTS… AND THAT’S THAT.

Mon.15.Aug (FUCK ME: HALF-WAY MARK ON THIS MONTH ALREADY AND I’M STILL IN THIS SHIT-HOLE STATE! I WANT TO GET BACK TO NY!) 1.00 Had to “block” the idiots (C.J.Saraha and Muhl) on my FB author account tonight. “Chitty” is showing on my “time-line”! Fuck. – Also… stench of garbage coming into the room via the fan tonight. I KNEW THIS was coming! – 21.37 In bed. In the “little room”. Showered… at last! Quite the day:
J. left at about 10.00 for Québec and I …
washed a sink-load of dishes then
checked e-mail: HOPEFULLY SKYPE WITH VINCENT THIS WEEK! Thurs-Sat evening! PLEASE!
headed out the door to the store to get a pack of smokes. Was going to get mayo for J. and something for me, but decided against it when I got there and Jada, at the back counter, told a customer “Oh that’s just Jude. He can wait. He’s got nothing else to do.” I replied, sternly “Please notice: Not laughing. Not smiling.” Sue came right away. “You want cigarettes?” “Yes, please.” Got them and returned to the house to
weed the rows between the corn.
Finished that and CHANGED THE INSP ON THE SUBARU! WORKS BEAUTIFULLY! Now to get it out of VT!
Painted the garden gate in the “Vermont Style”: Half-assed and Horse-shit, right over the lichen and such. But it’s white again.
No sooner finished the painting and trying to wash the brush and J. returned. Timing. I pointed out the gate. “Wow!” and off to the garden to see the corn and such. OK. It’s come to nothing. Expected. Entitled.
We came in to have a bite of dinner: pasta salad, turkey cold-cuts and the beer she’d bought yesterday. ICK! Tasted like cider of some kind. Neither of us was impressed. (I could have used another, for all the pain in my back and legs but… never mind that. Eh?) But before we sat to eat, I ventured to the PO where the only piece of mail in the box was THE NOTICE:
FS RENEWED UNTIL 31 AUG 2017! MY LETTER WORKED! (Good thing, because I have the form to report my rent and the freak’s to the gov. Had the letter been a notice of “termination”, the form would have gone out by Thursday’s post.) – We ate dinner, chatted, and then settled to watch a bit of snews… and I played with Ms. Hallie in the parlour. – Other than that? I can’t say that much else happened today other than the continuing PAIN!!! ***PAIN***!!! ***PAIN!!!***. Still, I’m relieved about the Subaru and the FS. I might not have cash, but I can afford FOOD!!! And this week-end there will be EATING! I’m dropping down to the 160’s Probably better for my back but I’ll need the fat stores come Winter… especially IF I’ll be in “the mountains” as I hope and plan. – Now then, for now, I’m hungry. I SHOULD have gone and gotten some PopTarts or something to nibble on tonight. But I can try that tomorrow. Hopefully it will work out for the best. – I also STILL NEED to file my nails, trim beard and shave, cut hair. I’ll have to look my best on Skype. AND I have to figure out where to set the lap-top up for that. I’m thinking in the “white room”. Chair and set the lap-top on a table. Try to figure lighting and a back-drop of some kind. It’s going to be interesting. But… one way or another… I WILL be back in NY… SOON…one way or another. – Now, for a bit of soc.med. and try to get to sleep at a civil hour… no more of this 1.00 nonsense. I was exhausted when I finally woke at 8.00 this morning! SHIT! And I don’t know what to expect tomorrow… No doubt there’s a “ride” in the making already. But for now, I’m showered, on a bed, the fan going nicely. It’s chilled out there tonight and some clouds rolling in. I don’t recall any rain in the forecast until the week-end. Rain would be nice… although I do have some things I’d like to get done in the garden. We shall see.

Tue.16.Aug: 22.21 HATE! UNADULTERATED, DILTUTED AND DISTILLED HATE!
Well, this morning I got out of bed at 8.00 to have nice coffee and such with J. It was HOT again. It was HUMID again. It was over-cast but not relief. The forecast was for horrid rains tonight. They’ve since come… and subsided. It’s a bit better, weather-wise. J. did a LOT of weeding and a LOT of harvesting in the garden this morning. I? I managed to reinforce the gate-post, potted her begonia to be nicer and placed it out-side the porch door where she can see and enjoy it. (It was given to her for Mothers’ Day by Kailah… how sweet… right.) I clipped the grass at the gate in preparation for finishing the paint job which couldn’t be done today because of the impending rain. But even those little chores caused SO MUCH PAIN! – We stopped for lunch…. “MATER SAMICHEZ”!!!! DEE-LISH. Then settled to watch some snews and J. napped… I came into the “little room” and SLEPT for about 90 minutes! I had a disturbing dream that I can’t actually recall but it was me being very sweet and kind and being tossed from where I was… “thrown out”. But all through I was pleasant, kind, sweet, considerate. It was a horrible dream. So I know now that things are weighing quite heavily on heart and unconscious. – Woke and we had dinner… a burger, fresh beans, beets and TURNIPS! Not mashed, but cut as potatoes… with butter… it tasted like “Thanksgiving”! Even J. said they’re more a “Fall” vegetable, but we both agreed they were delicious. – And THEN IT HAPPENED!
We got into a chat about work and such and the shit I’ve put up with at 5225 and SHE MADE REFERENCE TO THE LAWN-MOWING THAT CURTIS DID AND BELITTLED *MY* WORK OVER THERE, ESSENTIALLY DISMISSING IT! I BLEW EVERY GASKET I HAD LEFT! I TOLD HER MY GUT FEELINGS ABOUT THIS STATE AND EVERYBODY IN IT OVER THE PAST 5 YEARS! SELFISH TO THE POINT WHERE IT’S SIMPLY HATEFULLY SELFISH! ABUSIVE! HELLISH! DOWN-RIGHT HURTFUL AND INCREDIBLY EVIL! VICIOUS! MALICIOUS! MISERABLE! THAT NOTHING AND NOBODY OUTSIDE THEIR OWN PERSON, THEIR OWN SKIN MATTERS TO ANY OF THEM! I TOLD HER, DIRECTLY, HOW MUCH AND HOW DEEPLY I HATE, DESPISE, LOATHE AND DETEST THIS STATE AND EVEYRBODY IN IT! FROM SHELBURNE AND BURLINGTON THROUGH JERICHO AND EVEN RICHFORD… TO FRANKLIN! HATE! HATE BREATHINGTHE AIR, DRINKING THE WATER, BEING IN IT. SHE GOT THE FULL FORCE! “I hope I’m not included in that.” she said, almost meekly. And I told her… “To a point, you are. Because of things like what you’ve just said to me. It’s hurtful. Yes. I’m hurt by it.” “I don’t mean to hurt.” she replied, almost softly. “But you do.” I was honest… in my anger and rage. “You dismiss, just like the rest of them. Dodge and deflect any and all that anybody and everybody does. In your own way, you are as hurtful as the rest of this state.” “Well, I suppose they learned that that have to be that way, in a way…” she began. “You even make the same excuses! And there are no excuses. It cannot be excused. There’s NO justification for purposefully maligning others, making little of the good work of others. It’s repulsive!” Well… the conversation went on like that until… as usual… the topic HAD to be changed. The matter isn’t “settled” but the “Truth” is out. I know it makes no difference. It doesn’t. EVER! They’re hateful, selfish, self-serving, pathetically in-bred to the point where it’s organic. And for those who aren’t of the in-breeds… time… time has made them equally useless, meaningless, nothing, horrid little creatures that are as much a threat to civil life and being as a cancer. Yes… this “state” is a mental asylum, a petri dish breeding cancers. – We had ice cream with fresh blueberry sauce. We chatted about “Oscar”, the screech owl they had some years ago who ate their parakeet because Cecil didn’t wake up one night to feed him. I let it go… let the whole thing run… away… There truly is NO sense in talking with or to or at these people. They’re hopeless. We went to watch the snews. I took Hallie out for a stroll and a smoke and when I came in, I washed the dinner pots and pans, cleaned the stove and sink… Now, at 22.43, the house is calm. Another day is done. – Meanwhile, I did manage to get to the store. Got the mayo, put it on my card. A box of PopTarts and 2 tonics. The mayo was almost the full 5$ J. had given me. I have the cash. Now I have to “find” 4,78$. I have a pack of smokes… and that’s the end of it all. I don’t know what I’ll do from here or how but… I WILL HAVE to find the balance. – I also HAVE to note something…. Every once in a while this room, that smells mildewed and moldy for the most part, smells of frankincense! Tonight, the scent is rather dominant. I wonder what it’s from… what it is… where it’s from… It even covers the “sandalwood” oil in the heat ring on the lamp. I’m not complaining, just curious. – And it’s a FAR cry better than the smell of Hallie who has been HEAVY with the stench of dirty dog for almost 2 weeks now. J. wants to take her “swimming” tomorrow. She NEEDS a good scrubbing! To think… there are 4 days (hopefully no more) of being stuck in the truck with this? (And no smokes!!!) – AND….
RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM VINCENT TODAY. After asking if we could “Skype” some “evening” this week, it’s now “11.00am on Thursday”! I can only HOPE WITH MY ALL that I’ll be in the house alone at that hour. But I seriously doubt that will happen. I’ll have to try the lap-top and Internet on the porch and HOPE I can slip out there to conduct the chat… and THEN… ALL HOPE is on a full approval and a simple matter of just GOING! If not? Well then… First spate of good weather come month’s end, beginning of September… I am SO OUT OF ALL OF THIS SHIT! (This morning, I went through the little bag with my tallit and such in it… and there, the little crocheted sack… with pills in it. No doubt the pills are all but worthless, but they’re there! I know the BDMs are handy too, and there’s a bottle of anti-depressants to add to the mix… Hopefully my legs will carry me into the woods… and away… away… away… – 22.52 Time for a bit of soc.med. I’m thirsty and would truly appreciate a nice tea of some kind. I could, very well, go to the kitchen and prepare… but… some-how, I don’t want to be bothered. Oh well… I’m a complete idiot. Let’s move along… it’s NOT going to get any “better” until I stop breathing… for good.

Wed.17.Aug: 0.47 Time, at last, for lights out. Still thirsty… oh well. – The heat is returning as the skies clear. – Tonight I don’t give a shit whether or not I “live” through til morning, and don’t give a shit if I were to drop dead during the day. – 21.19 Accomplished? Nothing. Did my finger AND toe nails though. RE-packed some boxes into smaller and neater. J. took Hallie to “the shrine” to go swimming. She simply asked if I wanted to go and when I said I had to look for something, the matter was dropped. I’m shocked. Yet, I’m still a touch annoyed at the coming trip to CT and that she’s still considering Wappingers on Thurs. I don’t want to go to NY with her… I don’t want to take VT to NY at all. But… we shall see how it turns out. – My legs are worse, I have to say. Truly. Painful all of the time now. No relief. I try to “visualise” me with-out pain… it’s not working. This is the “falling apart” shit. My body is hating me now. Maybe getting out of here will help. I can hope… a little. If not? Mountain Time! – Tomorrow… SKYPE WITH VINCENT! 11.00! I should have had a hair-cut! I should have trimmed the beard. I SHOULD have used this day for such things. I haven’t. I’ll see what I can do to look “human” tomorrow. And I learnt that the lap-top doesn’t do Internet on the FRONT porch as I’d hoped so it won’t do the back-yard… as I’d hoped. Interesting. So I’ll have to Skype from the “little room” or the “white room”… or on the South porch… well… even on the front, it would be out-side her bed-room window. We shall see how it turns out. I’ve no doubt there’ll be some sort of surveillance. Oh well… I don’t know why I’m so “protective”… I’ve nothing to hide. We shall see. But tomorrow is, in my mind… “Make Or Break”. I’m nervous that this will fall through. But… if it does… I’ve got my “Ticket Out”. Ready to use it. I can’t stay here much longer. And I can’t go on in this pain in this state much longer. One way or another… OUT! – Now… I’m in bed. The house is dark here. Up-stairs I hear them thumping about. It must be directly over J’s head! If so… she does nothing to stop it so… Get what you ask for… Get what you deserve. And to think: in January, there’s to be another twat-spore up there. This house is going to be Hell. – Meanwhile, last thought: SOMEBODY PULLED MORE BRANCHES OFF THE PINE OUT FRONT WHERE Mme. POULET ROOSTS AT NIGHT! When I told J. she just handled it as she handles most: “Who would do that?” and let it go. Yep… the “selfishness of VT”. I’m fed up with it all. – And tonight, again, as always, my heart aches for Dixie… m’Dixie… m’Luv. May “Creation” address her situation and respond rapidly in accordance.

Thu.18.Aug:
WORDPRESS IS TELLING ME THAT I REGISTRED THIS BLOG 4 YEARS AGO TODAY. 2012?I GOT BACK NORTH IN 2011. I’LL HAVE TO CHECK THIS.
4.50? Why am I awake? At 4.25 I just woke up, as if I’d gotten a full night’s sleep. I don’t want to be awake at this hour. Not today. 9 smokes left. 2$ short of a pack. I don’t want to be awake at this hour. I’ve had a smoke. It’s warm out already. Over-cast. A bit of a breeze. Traffic too. Reminder: E. Fairfield post office. By now I’d be on the road. I don’t like being here. And the note from “Ann Harris” on Twtr last night: complaining “ad nauseam” about my “shitty” life. I’ll spare her… block. Drop. People believe I bitch… “ad nauseam”. They always have believed I “bitch”. They should know how much I DON’T say. – Today is my “job interview”. Maybe that’s the anxiety that woke me? I don’t know. – I’m tired now. I got to “sleep” by about 23.00 last night. Why am I awake now? And what happens if I go back to sleep now? – I should have showered before sleep. I didn’t. I need to trim my beard. I did my nails instead. My body has a “musty” odour this morning. And all I can really think about it whether or not the Subaru will make the entire trip to NY (should I need to do so). It’s another morning. – I don’t want to go on that road trip with J. I don’t know that my back and legs will tolerate it. And the nonsense about meeting with Ev. I don’t want to do that either and J. keeps on insisting. “I know she’d love to see you.” Probably. Maybe. I’m not in a frame of mind or spirit. – I could ask for the 2$ from J. Other people have no trouble asking for much more. She probably doesn’t have it. She could simply say “No.” or she could simply say “Yes.” but it won’t be “simply” either way. When I think that those twats get 100$ off their rent for mowing the lawn, shittily, once a month, on the ride-on. Even J. says it’s her mower and her gas and only their time. When I think that they do a shit job. And still, J. makes the excuse: “She works.” Works? And I don’t. No… I don’t “work”… I simply “do”… and “doing” is worth nothing… as if riding round the house on the mower is “work”. Oh… maybe I do bitch. It’s not really “bitching”… it’s expressing my inability to understand how, it appears to be fine to take my efforts so for granted… meanwhile, others are simply remunerated… and rather handsomely. – “For granted”. That’s what it comes down to. And yet, I keep going, moving, doing, “working”. I’m tired of this shit. VERY tired of this shit. – 5.04 in the morning. And why am I awake? Why am I breathing? What now? – 8.57 Up. Shaved my neck. Brushed my teeth. Washed my face. Put on an application of “creme” on the face. Funny this, to have to wash-up for a phone interview. Skype. The technology of the ‘future” they told us we’d have… and now we do. J. is in the kitchen on the phone and I’m on the porch. The day begins… 11.00 oh my! (I’m still hoping to have the house alone, but with the way this morning, this day is, insufficient cash, 8 smokes… I doubt anything will go “well”. Hopefully the “interview” will.) – Ann is off the Twtr account. “ad nauseam”? Far be it from me to give anybody “nausea”. – On with the day. KADIMA! The sky is “clearing”. It’s going to be miserably HOT come the week-end! Right down to the “warnings” on the news. I dread it. – 23.29 The day in one word:
PAIN!!!
The call with Vincent? Shortly after 11.00. I took it in the “white room”. No video for the first part. Then video. How do I “feel” about it? (a) He said it will be in a couple of weeks. (b) He has a “manager” who is costing him too much money. (c) He wants to do a background check. Great. (d) We’re talking October… it could be September but we’re talking October. Again, how do I “feel” about this? NOT GOOD. NOT October. TO that end, after cleaning the back porch tremendously (which will look exactly as it did before the clean-up in a matter of, perhaps, hours) I took the large silver/black tarp and a roll of shitty duct tape and tape the holes and tears and put it into the Subaru. We are talking “BDM Days” soon now. My body is falling apart. I’m becoming useless even to myself and the prospect of getting out of this state and this shit-hole “life is diminished… NOT “diminishing”… DIMINISHED! It’s time to stop the bull-shit about what I “still can do”… because, for the most part, that amounts to pretty much nothing. – That said… J. booked a motel room for her and for me for Monday night in CT. For me, she booked “smoking”. ICK! I told her they usually stink AND I probably won’t be smoking anyway because I’m down to my last cigarettes and can’t afford any more. She started to tell me that she didn’t have any money and I just tossed that I’m 2$ short of a pack. She gave me the 3$ she got from the empties! I’m shocked! Quite! And appreciative. (I got another pack at about 16.00 or so… I’ve already had 2 from it. It has to LAST!) – J. left for work at about 13.00 and I felt well enough to clean the back porch which took quite a long while. Is it “perfect”? No. Is it clear walking end to end? Yes. – After, I had the left-over potato salad on 2 rolls. “Dinner”. Tomorrow I can cook the aubergine. Tonight, I wasn’t really hungry. THEN… I went out to move the Subaru and mow where it’s parked… mowed about half of the back yard! I just need to finish it. If I do, I know there’s going to be Hell! But if I CAN, I SHALL… it’ll just get done. – Tonight, message from Jacquie: the transmission on the truck went on her way to work! She JUST took the truck in for a check and tyres and such! I THINK the transmission fluid was on the “check” list and if so, I wonder what they did to it. I remember the guy in Montgomery (NY) telling me that, unless the fluid is constantly changed, it should be “checked” and “topped when necessary”. I wonder what Sears did to J’s truck! She’s upset! Might have to cancel the road trip on Monday (which would be fine by me but devastating to her, surely). As much as I’d like to say “Gee…. tough… wow.” I sent my attempt at encouraging words. We shall see. – Showered. Clothes washed. Light load tomorrow: pillow cases and blankets mostly. – No plans to get out of bed until I’m damned-well ready to do so. These are my “sleep” days! I HOPE I get my lost sleep of last night AND enough to feel well enough to simply get up and mow the lawn! (For which I’ll catch HELL, but I don’t give a shit any more.) Garden needs weeding. Some harvesting needs to be done. I’d like to put some veggies out for sale on the table. But people in this town are fucking cheap and a bunch of idiots who’ll just let it all sit there… spite. I can work on listing the canoe and my oars, and the drafting table and old desk. At this point, even 25$ would be great! We shall see what tomorrow brings. – Right now, in bed, munching pine nuts. They’re quite good. Poor Hallie’s down… Mama’s gone again… sleeping out in the house some-where. The fan is on exhaust… the door to the porch (the CLEAN porch) is open and I’m going to buzz the soc.med. and hit the pillows!

Fri.19.Aug: 9.27 A crystal clear morning. Brilliant sunshine on a clear, blue sky. I’m “not here” some-how. I woke at 9.00, exactly, have had coffee and smoke and such… Hallie has had breakfast. – Last night’s message from J. about the transmission included: thinking of filing bankruptcy, going into a “home” (“independent living”) but she can’t because of Hallie. Hallie is her “child”, her care. And I can’t imagine: 2 rental incomes at 800 each per month and the job… “Bankruptcy”? How? It’s probably none of my business but I’d like to know how people with such income can get and stay so far behind. And I can’t help but think: Those who have the most suffer the most when they suddenly have less or nothing. Me, Homeless for so much of my life… and when J. said that Cecil was happiest when he had nothing, and the more he accumulated, the worse his life became. And I can’t help but think how, even though he had the garden and market, according to J. and others, he didn’t “work” (as THEY call it)… She claims he was “Homeless” for at least 3 years before coming into her life, that this house was important to him because of having been Homeless. And I compare to me… similar in ways. Still… well, I’ve learnt too that, once you “have something”, anything, really, no matter how much or little, there are those in the world who are quite ready and engaged in taking it from you. Again, like me: that woman from the “un-employment”… “Yes, I see that you’ve had no income for the last year. I want you to send me 5$ per month.” Honestly… the world is clueless. This morning I thought that I could sell the Subaru. As J. said “Why should you? Even unregistred, uninsured, etc. it’s yours, it’s there in case you need it.” Yes, indeed. And I do “need” it because the moment is at hand where I need to get into it and drive away from this existence. It’s part of my ticket… OUT of this bull-shit. But, as usual, I feel the obligation to “help”… somebody else. – When we talked the other day, about 3 years of my work at 5225 and I mentioned ‘mowing the lawn’ and she IMMEDIATELY deferred to Curtis having mowed… The conversation wasn’t about “Curtis”… or HIS works there… on a ride-on, for all of 30-45 minutes but ME, and PUSHING a MOTORLESS mower, for SIX hours… How quick they are to deflect and defer to OTHERS… negating MY efforts. Meanwhile, I can’t cough to clear my throat and stand at the same time, almost folding forward in half because of the back and leg pain. Ah… but that means nothing… and it’s BECAUSE of the WORK I’ve done… for OTHERS… and THAT resulted in being thrown out… and by somebody who has NO legitimate involvement in what I’ve done nor where I was. Just TAKE and TOSS. Indeed, I’m not on the streets, nor in the woods… but I wonder: wouldn’t I be better off if I were? – Friday… a clear and sunny day… there’s a garden gate to paint, more lawn to be mowed (and the Twats’ car in the yard… hmmm… IF I were/am to mow, there’s to be SHIT A-PLENTY to be slung, I can assure), the kitchen is a clutter-bin again, the house needs cleaning, the dog needs bathing, the greenhouse needs cleaning again… there are chores to be done… and truthfully, no matter what I “do” I KNOW, even now, before I begin: NOTHING WILL BE APPRECIATED BECAUSE EVERTHING IS GRANTED. – Nice. – I have to work a “CV” for Vincent as well… and my heart isn’t in that either, because I’ve got the gut feeling: this too, will be for NOTHING. – How charming, to begin a day… thus. – FUKKIT!!! FUKKIT & FUKKEMALL. – 23.53 IN BED! SHOWERED! AND… IN THE LIGHT GREY SWEATS! IT’S CHILLY! And that bothers me tremendously! It’s to be a cold night on the mountain… soon. – The day though? Well, I didn’t really get started until almost 13.00. What did I do for 4 hours? I’m not certain, really. Nothing, I suppose. Some soc.med. of course, but nothing much more than that. At about 13.00 I went out, shirtless, into the sun-shine to finish painting the garden gate and put another coat where it was necessary. BUT OH! The lawn got mowed! Yes! The Twats… both and little one, mowed the lawn! Figures though. I started so they almost HAD to. Mr. began and Mrs. finished. And I have to say, they did a rather nice job of it today. Of course, they left the gas container by the phone shed, so I had to bring it to the barn. AND, damn it, they put that “additive” into the tank. I THINK I’ve put some of that into the Subaru. BUT… when they left and I’d done with the gate, I managed to get another gallon into the car… of the non-additive gas. Nice. I wish I could put more into the car but I’ll settle with what I have. One of these days I’ll get more for the car. Meanwhile, I noticed when I moved it, yesterday, there’s a heavy gas smell. Perhaps I’ll have to drive the additives through. Oh well… Never let it be said that ANYTHING in my existence is easy. – After the gate, I made a trip to the store for ice cream and such and… NEWS THERE:
JADA WAS WORKING. AS SHE RANG ME OUT SHE SAID “I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS ON THE SHIT LIST OVER THERE.” meaning 5225. SO IT GOES: SHE CAME INTO WORK ONE MORNING AND THERE WAS A GUY WAITING WHEN SHE ARRIVED. HE WANTED SMOKES SO SHE LET HIM IN TO GET HIS SMOKES. APPARENTLY GORDO SAW THIS AND FIGURED HE’D BE ENTITLED TO SIMILAR SO, AT A LATER DATE, 4 OF “THEM” WERE STANDING OUT-SIDE THE STORE AS JADA ARRIVED AND THE 4 WANTED COFFEE. WHEN THE COFFEE WASN’T READY BECAUSE JADA HADN’T EVEN OPEN THE STORE YET… ONE OF THE 5225’S CALLED AND COMPLAINED TO SUE/BILL ABOUT JADA LETTING PEOPLE IN BEFORE THE STORE WAS OPENED BUT SHE DIDN’T HAVE COFFEE READY WHEN THE STORE OPENED. I told her: I knew about a week after Gordo arrived that he’d be trouble… well… now they’re all getting what they deserve. They’ve hated me for 3 years, thinking I was bad… NOW they’ll be living with THIS. Good for Franklin. It’ll only get worse. And, as Jada said: there’s already talk of towing them, should their vehicles interfere with plowing. Yep… Fuklin is getting what Fuklin deserves. – Next… I got the clippers and had at the barn. The weeds had grown so high that they HAD to be clipped by hand. – AS I was doing that, J.’s friend “Sue Rich” arrived for her bags of beans and such. Ah… when her Mum mentioned cabbages and squash, I invited them to pick what they wanted. “Do you want them from the garden?” I asked. “If you’re going to pick it for me.” was the reply. FUKYOO! *I* fucking got rid of the plastic runners, Jes and Adam tilled, Jacquie planted, I’ve weeded and YOU want ME to pick the shit so that YOU can take it to market and get the money? FUUUUUUCK YOU! I strolled with them, helped to carry the basket to their car. I’m sure they’re not happy about my attitude… and I don’t give a fuck nor a shit. Just typical VT: abusive… entitled. – They left and I finished the trimming. As I did, SOMEBODY, I think it was Mr. Twat from the porch up there, called down “Great job! Looks great!” as I finished mowing round. Mrs. was coming out and said “We just couldn’t get at that with the mower.” Of course not… you wouldn’t even try. But I said “It needed to be clipped and I enjoyed doing it and playing with the bugs.” It was made light of. – Done by about 17.00, I came into the house to fry and aubergine and as I did, Jes came by to ask for help moving an armoire from his car into the house. We chatted as I fried the aubergine and I agreed I’d go to his place to help with the furniture. – THEN… AMAZING AND CREEPY! I went to crush some tomatoes for dinner and one of them was a store-bought… J. said it had to be used over the week-end before it went bad and so I did AND AS I CRUSHED IT, I FELT SOME KIND OF ROUGH TEXTURE IN MY HAND… THE SEEDS INSIDE THE TOMATO WERE GOWING! SPROUTS INSIDE THE TOMOATO! NO SIGN OF IT ON THE OUT-SIDE BUT ICK! THERE THEY WERE! I TOOK PHOTOS OF IT! Horrid-looking mutation! Rather disgusting too, especially to think that the seeds sprouted in the flesh of what is it’s own matter, AND that just enough light penetrated the outer membrane of the tomato to let them grow… green! It looks like something out of a sci.fi. story! Luckily it didn’t get into the food I ate! Makes me ill just to think of it. – Well… I sat. I finished my dinner of fried aubergine with a bit of bread crumbs and the tomato, a sprinkle of cheese and headed up to Jes’s.
(continuing on Saturday morning: 9.29) Of ALL the timing in the world… AS I approached 5225 the BOTH of them came out the front door! They’ve put one of the recliners on the street with a “FREE” sign on it (I guess the other sofa and chair, ugly as they are, got taken… no taste in this town). I had little-to-no-choice but to acknowledge their presence (you know… simply avoid confrontation and such and be the “better” person?) so I commented “Most people put park benches out front.” “Do you want it?” Bobo asked. We smiled. Gordo behaved as if it was the only thing on the street. Rude fagshit that one. I walked along to Jes’s. – Now, I’ve NO business lifting and moving furniture and the armoire turns out to be FULL-SIZE! Of note, Pam and Dave were coming home as Jes and I were in his drive. Pam called over, said hello and Dave came over… to do what folks here do: supervise and comment. We chatted about CS Lewis because… we were moving a “wardrobe” and he asked where were the “lion and the witch”. BUT what struck me is: Jes didn’t want Dave to lift the “wardrobe” because of his back! Ca se peut tu? I guess Jes doesn’t know about MY back and legs. No, of course not. The town knows about OTHER parts of my “life” but the Yammy-Circuit won’t discuss my legitimate pains. Oh well… I figure: One of these days I’ll be laying some-where, hauled to ER where the facts will become known OR my dead arse will be discovered some-where and when “they” investigate into “cause of death” MAYBE the truth will be discovered. Too late. Fukkoff. – Moving along… so we move the furniture into the porch where Jes wanted it, he showed us another piece he’d gotten at “my fave” Goodwill on the Shelburne rd. and then Dave left and Jes and I had a beer and chatted. (He paid me 20CAD for the little help… making a reference to my current financial situation but because he too, has been in such a state, it’s not really insulting or anything. I would have preferred a 10US… a pack of smokes! But… He’s made well on the deal, considering the 20CAD is probably just over the 10US anyway…) Our chat was fun… I showed him the photos of the tomato. He agreed: It’s “nightmarish”! We talked about how little we actually know about what we eat and the GMO seeds that are sold to farmers so that they DON’T reproduce and how frightening it is to think about seeds that shouldn’t reproduce are growing inside the very fruit they’re “born” of! US/CAD politics, we laughed about “Turdie” and then got serious about the ramifications of both that and what’s going on here. It was rather fun. And well… I don’t think I left there until about 12.30! – The walk back to Jacquie’s was interesting… to be on the street in this town, at night, alone. And to think that I was “socialising” here! Will wonders never cease! – Oh… Jes wants to know where the B&B is in NY because he “likes” the Adirondack region and “visiting” with me would give another reason to come over AND he and Kerry would certainly stay there. (I’ll mention it to Vincent… I suppose… building business already and I’m not even yet “hired”. As if it’ll do any good at all… Nothing ever does work that way for me… this won’t either. Fukkit.) – SO… back at Jacquie’s, Hallie was thrilled to see me, I was tired. And there was a kitchen full of dishes that had to be washed. They got done. I had more ice cream and a bit of the “snews” that I’d missed earlier. Got a shower, had my last smoke du jour and, well… jotted notes about today to fill-in tomorrow (today, Saturday) until 24.07 at which time I simply turned the lap-top off, and the light, covered me and called it quits on the day. – Tonight, it’s chilly enough to wear the light grey sweats… But everything is CLEAN for a Shabbat night. CLEAN! Even ME! (Tomorrow, I’ll have to get Hallie the same way… the stench is horrid!)

Sat.20.Aug: 9.24 And woke at 8.00… 8 smokes left and 20CAD to my name which is no good because… well… there’s no way I’m going to walk up to St-Armand nor Bedford! NOT with THESE legs! So… it’s going to be a rough day today… and tomorrow too for that matter. – Clear skies. Bright. And I’m looking to getting Ms. Hallie WASHED! She woke me in the middle of the night with the stench! To think of being trapped in that truck in the heat for almost 3 days. I don’t have a dog. I don’t want a dog. But I get to put up with the smells and feeding and such. Typical “my life”. I want to be DEAD! One day… very soon. I have to get my “kit” together too. – There’s the whole day and much to fill it. – Right now, the crook-necks are cooking. Chicken and dog… – And I’ve got to complete yesterday’s entry here. Allons-y I suppose. – (Even as I sit at the kitchen table with the back door open, I smell “dog”. I’m getting right sick of this shit.) – 18.51 and so incredibly tired! Truly wasted. 3 smokes left. Had a “tea”. Ate “meal” at about 16.00 and finished the ice cream. And SO incredibly tired. And all I actually “did” all day was: started to work my CV for Vincent (and had all to do to concentrate on that), cut my hair a bit better (it didn’t need cutting because it was still short enough but I just wanted to “trim” for “neatness”), shampooed Hallie in the back yard and re-filled her “swimming tub”, cooked some squashes for Mme. and Hallie, and mixed some dry bread with one to give to Mme. who really seems to have enjoyed it. I swept the front porch and was on-line out there for a while. It’s been a “nothing” sort of day. But I’m just wiped out and I can’t tell why. It’s almost painful. And I’m NOT looking forward to this “road trip” and probably having to stay awake into all hours with J. I am just not looking forward to it. – Oh well… There are photos I want to “work” for posting now. Hopefully I’ll stay awake long enough to get them done, take a shower, wash my clothes. Tomorrow I’ll have to “pack” something for this trip. I don’t know what to pack and I don’t even want to pack. And I’m hoping that I’ll be able to get to bed and to sleep and stay asleep until I HAVE to wake tomorrow (to get the floors clean at least). – It didn’t get as hot as predicted today. But it did get quite warm. Oh well. – Hallie still has a bit of the stench, even after a shampoo. Her breath, mostly. And she brought up 3 balls of something on the rug in the parlour after she ate. Oh well… There’s nothing more for me to say but that. – And now… photo-work and we’ll see what follows. – 23.43 ALL clothes clean. Showered. 1 smoke left for the day tomorrow. I’m EXHAUSTED!

Sun.21.Aug: 9.02 I’ve got to get the floors done. Missed a t-shirt in the laundry last night. It’s in the dryer. Smoked my last cigarette this morning and am not happy about it. Stayed in bed until about 8.45. Fucking Sunday. And the 21st already! Fuck me! But… what’s bothering me most is:
THREE POST-OFFICE DREAMS IN THIS PAST WEEK!

THIS MORNING’S WAKE-FROM DREAM:
I was with MUM! and we were at the Walker Valley office, where she had to conduct some sort of business. I’d worked there and apparently, in the dream, left under duress or some other miserable conditions/consequences. Mum and I were taking things out of the car when the “current PM”, a younger Black woman came out to scan the blue-box. Mum and I were in great spirits, but as I was taking something out of the car, the “PM” kept glaring over the top of the car at me. I commented to her about “This should all go well, unless somebody has some sort of trouble with me. Have YOU got ANY sort of trouble like that with me?” I wasn’t being nice about it at all either. She simply said “No.” and went back into the PO. There was some kind of new construction happening on the entrance to the office. A new drive or something had been done, with granite curbing and there were ruts in it. I almost lost my balance and was concerned about Mum not falling. “I am SO reporting this!” I said. And then turned to the “APO-PM”, a short, White, fat woman (JanSan?… Stacie) and said “And I won’t stop until you’ve paid and paid dearly for it.” SHE simply started following me every step I took. Mum just smiled and continued with her errand, and softly said “Oh, don’t worry about it.” to me. But I was determined. We went into the office, finished the business and on the way out the door I repeated “I’m going to report and complain about this/these conditions and NOW with all that I’ve hear about you and know about you, you’re SO going down!” and I smiled s the “JanSan” woman sneered at me. I woke just as I walked out the door.

PREVIOUS DREAM:
Liz and I were in this Subaru, driving about. I had to run an errand to the old post office (which was out at Tilden… and Tilden in the dream, was a large military base behind high chain-link fencing, rather desolate). I was driving about, at night, quite happy that the Subaru was holding up and running very well. I had some sort of business to settle with the post office there… something to do with my “severed” employment at that office. I was angry about that but very happy that the Subaru was running smoothly. (That’s all I can recall. It was just one of those dreams that didn’t really “begin” and never really ended before I woke.)

FIRST DREAM:

Right now at 9.22 on Sunday, I can’t recall what the dream was, exactly, but Jacquie was in this one and I recall that the office was in Highgate. And again, it was stressful, not pleasant, and again, it connected to having worked there and been shafted.

OK. Those notes put down, I’m pissed right now that I didn’t record them on the days when they occurred! I need to take better control over “MY existence” and keep MY routines. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t, really. I have time in the morning to note things on this Journal. I need to be a bit more responsible about this. Why? WHO in fux name knows? It makes no difference to anybody but me, and it never WILL make any difference to anybody but me because, once I’m “gone”… this Journal and all the others will simply be dust-collecters on some “drive” on a computer someplace in the world and never connected to me in any way… not to mention: even if somebody were to find this… connect it to me… they wouldn’t give a shit’s-worth of a fuck anyway. Oh well… – Well… I’d like my 2nd smoke of the day right about now but I haven’t got any more. *IT* begins. But I need to get to the floors too. J. said something about a co-worker’s mother having “past” (passed) and something about being back in early after-noon today (which, I know from experience, means closer to evening… take her time and add about 2 hours to it… one of her characteristics that are not “endearing”). To think: I’ve got the money for a pack of smokes… but in this fucking hole, I can’t get a pack because it’s Canadian currency and these mental midgets can’t figure exchanges nor can they program their “registre” to perform the conversion. OH! It’s such a fucking HUGE deal for these little retards. Times like these is when I wish I was back in Richford. Oh well.. HOPEFULLY when J. returns (HOPEFULLY BEFORE 16.00!) I can get the truck and get to St-Armand and perhaps even get a pack of Players? We shall see… Although, t might be nice to get a pack as a “birthday” gift? I wonder… HAHAH and HAH! Fuck me. I know better. – Let’s see what I can gather from the soc.med. and then… TO WORK! IT’S SUNDAY! FLOORS NEED ATTENDING! – AND I NEED TO GET TO MY CV FOR VINCENT!!! -21.16 IN BED! Not showered this evening though. – RAIN RAIN RAIN! From noon until… it’s supposed to stop now and be clear, here and in CT for the next few days. But in CT it’s going to get HOT! Oh well. – I worked, mot of the day, on my CV. 28 years of it, and a 2-page cover letter. I can’t imagine who I’m going to put as references. I’m pretty much stuck with J. for at least one. But I’m going to attach that letter from Lyle about having control of the house, and cover my bases for 5225 with that. Other-wise, the whole thing is about 8 pages. Hey! MOST of my major accomplishments were YEARS ago, and I want them to be known. – J. got in at about 13.00. I’d been smoking butts most of the day so they sufficed for the most part. But when she came in, she got to cleaning the inside of the truck and when I asked for a lift to St-Armand for smokes, she gave me 50$… “for watching Hallie”. Never mind any of the other work. It’s the first money in FOUR WEEKS! AND THEN, WHEN SHE SAID, GO GET CIGARETTES… “AND SOME BEER. I’LL WANT A BEER TOMORROW EVENING WHEN IT’S ALLDONE.” HOW SLICK IT THAT? 10$ OFF THE 50 TO BUY BEER! I got a 6 of “Shed’s” and we had 3 already tonight. Yep… slick. – But earlier… I was sitting on the back porch when she came in from cleaning the truck and she went into tracking Ev. So I tried to, CALMLY, ask why she’s so concerned about me finding Ev. I said that she could cancel the motel room for me and I’ll sleep in the truck. I have a sleeping bag and pillows and it’s no trouble. I said, CALMLY, that I’m concerned about being more a hindrance or burden and she actually sat down (on the exercise ball) to talk. First thing out of her face: “I know you’re easily offended….” OFFENDED? I told her that I’m NOT ‘offended” and that that’s the major issue I have here, in VT: EVERYBODY immediately jumps on me, being “offended” or “annoyed” or “rude”. And for the longest while I was “HURT” and NOT “offended” by it but of late, I AM “offended” because nobody bothers to take the time to actually talk WITH me. They’ll start to talk and then ignore what I say. “Well, I suppose it’s because people here are more concerned with their own issues and problems.” No… it’s just because they’re damned rude. But it doesn’t matter any more to me. And if people don’t want to discuss “my issues”, then don’t bother to ask. Period. Very simple. I’d rather hear “I don’t care.” than people feigning any kind of concern and lying. Well… of course, as always, the topic changed and the next thing was the garden and what to do about the vegetables. Fine.. Typical. – We had a nice dinner. Baked chicken breast… half each, green beans and tomato from the garden and warmed-over pasta from… I can’t recall when. But it was good. (Honestly, I don’t have an appetite these days, but eating something is necessary. It’s going to be an interesting next few days… I have little appetite now… when we’re on the road… I won’t be a “money pit”. Not to mention, her transmission cost here 2800$! So…) – As for her concern about finding Ev, she says that she just thought it would be nice for me to meet up with her whilst in the area. I said it would be nice for HER to meet Ev to prove the things I’ve told her about Ev. That dropped the issue. – So, we ate, watched a bit of Fox news and are now turned-in for the night. I’m packed. I don’t have much to pack to bring. I don’t have much at all for that matter. A change of clothes and that’s it, primarily. I’ll bring the lap-top though… just in case and to keep the journal going. Back pack and a tool bag of clothes and tooth-stuff. I’m done. – And now… at 21.32, it seems the rain HAS stopped. The fan is on in the window. The plants got a dousing of rain today. I’m going to hit the soc.med. and turn in. HOPEFULLY for a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow will be… no doubt, hectic. First stop: New Hampshire… then on to CT. (She told Kailah we’d be back on Thursday. PLEASE! NO WAPPINGERS! I’m fucked… I know it.)

Mon.22.August: 6.16 (15° with a “chill” of 14°, clear, breezy… August… in The North Country… just as it should be… in Montréal) 28 Years ago… at 10.30…

Stuck, at a “J” train station, in a station that leaked. Water, dampness, old lighting, narrow concrete stairs, cracking. The stairs were un-even, tilting side-to-side. Waiting for the train with some others. None of us in a particularly good mood. Morning rush hour but… I was en route to some-where. I HAD to get to some-where, but I don’t know exactly where. Giving up on the wait, we decided we’d go up, walk over to the “A”. Up the tilting, wet, leaking stairs to an area that was very much like a combination of Union Square, Times Square, Grand Army Plaza and 59th and 5th Central Park. And SNOW! SNOW blowing in the wind! Night time! Cold. Windy. And snow all round. A few police about. People trudging against the winds and snows. I suddenly had to smile because of the snow, even though it was a “wet” snow. One police woman, short, Latina said to me “How can you be so happy about this, sir?” and I, almost dancing in it said “How can you NOT be happy about this? Look at it! It’s BEAUTIFUL! I love this!” I crossed the open streets through the little bit of vehicular traffic that there was, in the street-light lit snows. I was on my way to the A train and… the alarm sounded…

I haven’t slept all night. I laid in the bed, my brain focusing on needing to be asleep and yet being awake. ALL NIGHT! Why? I put the light out at mid-night, put my head on the pillow and for a while, couldn’t get comfortable. Wheezing a bit for a while. Asthma. Anxieties about this morning and the trip and I don’t really want to go to CT. I don’t know why, exactly. Something about being “back” there… and with J. And I still wonder about her insistence about meeting Ev. And having to come back to VT when it’s over. And the uncertainty of Pt. Henry. And it all just reeled round and round in my head… ALL through the night! Horrid. And Jacquie is awake, at table in the kitchen, putting rosaries together for the trip. I’ve already had coffee and smoke. Time to shower and such. I’m not exactly tired but certainly not rested. That dream? It was the last moments before the alarm sounded. I wasn’t “asleep” for it… but I wasn’t quite awake either. Lucid dreaming. Horrendous. – This is NOT a day for a road trip for me. And once again, MY “life” is deferred… so as to provide for somebody ELSE who truly doesn’t give much of a shit. Well, that’s not completely true because the fact is: I COULD be “out there”, in the Subaru, on a road or off the road… and NOT sitting here in a bed, in a house. She took me in with-out a blink of an eye. So I suppose, nothing comes with-out a price… EVER. – 6.35 and it’s probably time to get to the shower, get dressed, and try for “Humanity”. It’s going to be a LOOOOOOONG day… on a “J” train that never arrives. – My Mama is the fortunate one… away from all this bull-shit. WHEN IS MY TURN? (I have to take THAT matter into my own… and SOON!)
22.34 CROMWELL CT: “Quality Inn, 111 Berlin Rd
Well, we made it. Left at about 9.00, I packed the truck, of course and Jacquie drove to NH… Enidsomething or another, to a shrine there. She went to do her business, I stayed out with Hallie on the grounds which were rather nice. But, quite frankly, it was a bit on the chilly side so we went into the truck for a bit until Jacquie came out. I was about to doze when she returned and… I got to drive to CT. BUT… in W.Lebanon, I got smokes at 5,58$ per pack! Amazing! About the same price I’d paid when I went to W. Leb with Silas… about 4 years ago! Three packs, 20$ and CHANGE BACK! – Well, the drive to CT was interesting, through MA and such. And through Hartford. I some-how feel like I’m in “familiar” territory again… “South” I suppose. But CT. Nice… not being in VT any longer… for now. – We got 2 rooms. Jacquie’s in 220, nice, coffee maker, clean, smells nice, even has a little outlet “dock” at bed-side, 2 full-size beds. Me? 222 (like the pain killers I miss so much now). No carpeting, cracked sink in the loo, NO coffee maker (good thing I brought my own AND my mug!), no outlet “dock” (I had to get behind the bed-side table to plug this lap-top in), and it STINKS… as if, perhaps, too many dogs peed on the floor for them to keep up with. I have the window open…. NO SCREEN! But it’s large enough and all. There’s TV. Jacquie had hers on when I left her and Hallie (and went out for a smoke… I’m in a non-smoking room because I thought a smoker would stink… If I’d known…). Well, we got here round about 16.00 or so, I helped Jacquie with the spread-sheet for her order, we had a beer and some Kaiser cheese and then she wanted to go out for dinner. So, since there’s WiFi, we found a “Ruby Tuesday’s” just down the road, put Hallie into the truck and I drove. Dinner was FILLING! 3 courses for 12,99$. Jacquie had a “petite steak” with spaghetti squash and baked potato, I had chicken with tomato and balsamic vinegar dressing, onion rings… and Jacquie gave me most of her squash. Desert was a chocolate brownie sundae. THAT was sinfully delicious! I had a Coke. Jacquie had a water with lemon. The Coke was almost 3$! They made an error on the bill and charged for 3 meals. It was corrected. 36$ if I’m not mistaken, with tip. Costly, but still cheaper than if ordering the same thing as “a la carte”. In any event, tonight I got to bed NOT hungry. Disappointed with the room, but not hungry. – I’m hoping to get some sleep tonight. Tomorrow’s first appointment is only 20 minutes away at about 10.00 so there’s no rush. Jacquie has her alarm clock set for 6.30. MY alarm clock doesn’t work. (I’m wondering about showering in the morning. Hopefully the shower works!) The “free breakfast is from 6-9.00. It’ll be interesting to see if either of us makes it. Meanwhile, I really shouldn’t complain about anything because I have my own room tonight. Not that it makes much difference because, well… here I am and run-down and in pain. My legs are killing me! They’re not going to hold out much longer, I fear. It’s frightening to think they might actually give out after all these years and thousands of miles of walking. That Subaru had better hold up and hold out! I’ll be needing it… really… NEEDING it! – I’d sent a message via Twtr to Cheryl Cormier telling here I’d be in CT these days. Tomorrow evening we head to Danbury. Tonight we’re closer to Hartford and think she lives closer to here. But I’ll check Twtr to see if there’s any reply to my DM. – Meanwhile, it’s not the quietest place here. There’s some kind of “cracking” at the door, as if the place is settling, and some kind of “thumping” from out-side or up-stairs, I’m not sure. But the traffic is off in the distance and not horrible. Ah… traffic. It’s been a LONG time since I’ve heard THAT in the night. We’re not far from the 91. – So… off to a touch of soc.med. and TRY and HOPE for sleep tonight… I’m still functioning on what I got on Saturday night. I can’t believe I’m still moving here… in… CONNECTICUT!

Tue.23.Aug: 6.55 Cromwell CT: Sunny morning. Comfortably cool. And about 4 hours’ sleep last night. AGAIN, sleep wouldn’t come. Not because of pain. I don’t know what’s going on here with me and sleep. – Before lights-out, I checked the soc.med. No word from Cheryl. Oh well. – I’ve made my tap-coffee in the loo. Gone out for my smoke. Folks are, of course, at the “breakfast”. Appears to be a lot of truck-drivers. And even here, “fat”. Either the world is coming to “fat” or I’m just sick and fed up with “fat”. What-ever. As I passed Nr.220 I heard some movement. They’re awake. I wonder if Ms. Hallie’s been out yet. I’m not rushing to the occasion. (I HAVE to learn how to spell “occasion” properly… one of these days. That, and the difference between “desert” and “dessert”. Why bother at this point? Really.) – I had a bit of a “dream” last night, but I don’t recall what it was any more. Oh well… – Thought this morning as I looked at a CT plate: Vet. Disabled… Younger men than I have gone to war, had limbs blown off, body mangled. They return and go on with their lives. Older men than I have pains because of working too hard. They too, go on with their lives. Me? I’ve just grown BITTER… INSANELY BITTER because I’m losing my legs from working for others who’ve “tossed” me about and out when the work is done. I’m the stupid one, really, because I’ve “allowed” it. What a total fuktard, me. – Well, today is roaming about CT and then off to Danbury. Do I want to try to contact Ev? Probably. Probably not. We shall see. CAN I contact her? Not with-out the lap-top at this point. Does it matter? Probably not. Oh well then. At least I’ll get my shower in a little while. We don’t “must” leave here until about 9.00… 2 hours from now. Check-out is 11.00. There’s time… but that’ll run out soon… too soon. – Another thought this morning as I stood in the lot, surrounded by CT plates: I should feel more comfy being in this state, but I don’t. It’s not the familiar “VT” and it’s not the now-needed “NY”. I’m in a place in “life” where I no longer feel “comfortable”… any-where. I’m tired… of it… ALL. – Time to roll along. I’m just waiting for a knock on the door or a ring of the phone. I’d like to get into this day rather slowly… so that almost guarantees… RUN! SHOOT ME… PLEASE! – 11.52 WELL! Here we are since 10.30, at “Merciful Saviour” in Colchester… CONNECTICUT! (NOT VT, thankfully.) Ms.J. is in, conducting business (and I can only hope that the order compensates for the time). Ms. Hallie and I have been in the truck, on a glorious morning, and I’ve FINALLY completed my CV for Vincent! It’s the “references” that kill. I always run into this situation: all females. And with my “personal history” with “females” I’m always hesitant… for the most part, they’ve caused more trouble than consolation and help. I admit: I’ve NO trust in them any longer. But I have little-to-no choice in the matter. I can only “do and hope”. Meanwhile, poor Ms. Hallie sits in the back seat. I know I NEED a loo. I can only imagine how she must feel at this point. – Interesting little note this morning at the “Quality” motel… I was helping Jacquie complete and order spread-sheet and the INCREDIBLE PAIN IN THE CENTRE OF MY CHEST BROUGHT ME ALMOST TO DROOLING! I wonder what the actual fuck THAT was all about. I said nothing. It would have done no good to mention it. Still, I don’t think that “kicking-off” here would be in anybody’s best interest. Ah… so close to NY and yet so far. – Well, anyway, I’m thankful, indeed, for the comfort of my own room and a bed on which to rest last night, but I have to say that I’m glad to be away from that motel. I did get to shower. I had A coffee and so… another day rolls along. – Jacquie and I had a lovely chat en route here, talking about our lives, marriages, work. I’ve learnt that Jes is in a rather similar situation with his job: He had to “resign” from the company he’s worked for for many years in Ontario and re-apply back in The States and, as is the course of late, he LOST ALL of his previous benefits and is beginning as a “New Hire” again! What a bunch of fuckers these people are today! AND… I FINALLY got to drive-home the severity of MY situation with the Postal Service, saying “There’s no delicate way of putting my situation but she (Cindy Shedrick) has fucked me to the point of bleeding to death where the Postal Service is concerned. I’m OUT of the ENTIRE ‘Northern New England District’!” (I can only hope it stuck and won’t have to be mentioned again.) Jacquie asked if she (Shedrick) has problems with men working with her, since she (Jacquie) knows of that other fellow whose wife “would like to see her (Shedrick) dead”. Ah-HAH! MAYBE it WILL stick now… the severity. We also discussed en who want the “marriage, house and kids” but only in “notion” and NOT “reality”. Seems SHE’S fallen victim to similar to the old man. And interesting chat, all told. – And now, we’re supposed to be back in Cromwell this morning, but it’s already 12.04. The rest of the day should prove interesting. But… not in my control. I just need a loo… soon. (Old me. Old bladder.) We shall see what we shall see. – Time to pack this lap-top up. I’m on half-battery and a day to move forward with. – 21.59 DANBURY! It was quite the day. J. spent the better part of 2 hours at Colchester and then drove W.Hartford to the “retreat”. There, I had to pee and whilst J. did business for an hour or so, I as locked out of the loo by what sounded like some old guy. I actually had to ask, through the door “Are you paying rent?” FINALLY, just as J. finished her business… I got to pee! Then, had a tomato sandwich and I got to drive over to DANBURY! ON 84! IT WAS SO STRANGE. I’m actually “back” near the MHV but not IN it. The area is “Old comfortable” and yet not. I don’t “know” this place any more and I don’t feel any attachment to it. Hey, it’s CT and NOT NY! When we got to the next motel, after “Garmin” sent us round the block and I could have sworn J. made reservations in ANOTHER motel closer to Waubeka (we even looked it up on Google Maps!) THIS PLACE IS INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL! NEW. FRESH. A DELIGHT! The kind of place you hate to leave! J. checked in and we went to Stew Leonard’s for some salad-bar salad and a rotisserie turkey breast for dinner. Then, across the road for “Shed” beer! and J. got 2 bottles of wine. Back to the motel at last! The place has a heated indoor pool… but J. got too sloshed on a beer so we don’t get to swim. Oh well. What-ever. Our “meal” was filling and quite good and we watched a bit of TV until she dozed off. I’ve have little time in a comfortable room (but am MOST comfy right now… before my shower and to bed). Oh… and right across the road from a Harley store! Fuck me with no money! Eh? Oh… life… my life. Shit. – And so, I’ve just left J. and Hallie. Am about to take a nice, refreshing shower. My right hip is SO PAINFUL tonight! – OH OH OH! I rang EV! On her mobile. She was out to dinner with folks and yes, she’s in Waubeka for the Summer but didn’t sound too happy to hear from me. Said she’d call me later. I’ll have to get it on Google Voice. If I do? Good. If not? As I say, she didn’t sound too happy to hear from me so I won’t worry about it. J. says that, if I hear from her, we can visit tomorrow. I don’t know how since we have to run to “Monroe’, Bethel and Litchfield. She’s still contemplating Wappingers, but that doesn’t look too… Still, I can’t get over the “distance” in Ev’s voice. Oh well… another “What-ever” I’m certain. – Now? I should take care of “P” situations, brush my teeth, shower, and get to bed. J. says she’s going to rather sleep-in until 8.00. Breakfast here is 6-9 also. Me? I have my coffee. (I’d like one more smoke before bed but we’re on the 3rd floor and I’d really rather just head for bed. Tired… and HOPING TO SLEEP tonight for a change. Tonight will be night THREE with little-to-no sleep!

Wed.24.Aug: 7.41 Round about midnight, I put the lights our, head on a wonderful stack of pillows and as I thought I couldn’t get to sleep… the alarm sounded at 6.00 this morning and I turned it off and dozed again. A night’s sleep! AH….. And NO JAMMIES! It’s been YEARS! COMFY! Same way this morning. And the sun’s up, directly in through the window! It’s BEAUTIFUL (again… for a day). – I need to get me together now because I just heard a “tapping” at the door meaning… We’ve got “WORK” to do. The spread sheet won’t go through to “Joseph” but … oh well… – I don’t think I’ll try to re-connect with Ev today. We’ve got the 3 towns to hit and hopefully not Wappingers and then? Fucking VT again. It’s been a delight. – 11.28 Monroe… CT. It’s rather been confirmed: NOT being remunerated for this trip. Ah… “Maryrose wrote the orders” whilst Ms.J. socialised with the client. How charming. Ms.Maryrose wouldn’t “allow” Ms.Hallie to come along, no doubt she knows she’d be strapped with the responsibility of walks and such. Alas… I need to take heed to this lesson: do NO more than… – I have to note: last night, before shower, I got to see what *I* look like, front and back, head to toe. UGLY! WHITE! PALE, save arms and face. UGLY! SICKLY. Rather disgusting. And with my legs… giving up on me. (Gotta go. We’re done here.) – 14.47 In Litchfield… Lourdes of Litchfield. How charming. Actually, it’s a nice little wood-land area, sitting at a picnic table by a brook that smells like it’s where all the toilets flush into. But better than the other places we’ve been. I’m tired now, a little hungry… I could use a coffee for the energy, the head-ache and the beverage purposes. People! Honestly. “Christians”! Really. Catholics! Typical. And Ms.J. announced that “she’s” decided that we’re heading back to Fuklin after this… after she gets some ice cream. Well… jolly good for her. I want coffee… but, it’s as it was in Bethel: She gets out of the truck, grabs a bag of stuff (saints and Jesus) and says: “Do you want to call Ev? I’ll be about an hour here.” In that time, I’d get to Waubeka and it would be a “drive-by”. Not to mention… it was MORE than an hour and parked in the direct sun with no place to go to escape it. Poor Hallie and I stood for a while in the sun, then took some shade beside an old truck. But… I just chalk it up to “More of the same of VT”: “ME! The end.” Nobody else. This trip is telling. If this is what Maryrose put up with, I’ve no wonder that she doesn’t want to make these trips any more. AND… it is to laugh… Ms.J. is talking “next year”. Good luck with that. I’ll be “gone”… and I mean “GONE”. AND… I don’t know if i mentioned it yet but, when we got to the shop in Monroe this morning, Ms.J. says I should go on-line to get a 50$ card from “Quality Inns”. “I can’t pay you anything for this trip, but you can have the card. You’ll be doing all the work for it.” WHAT THE ACTUAL IN GOD’S NAME FUCK? Damned good thing I haven’t done any lifting and hauling (other than almost ALL of the fucking luggage and baggage in and out of the motels). – A note here: She’d ordered a 50$ crucifix (olive wood from “the holy land”, as they call Israel) to sell to one of her customers. Well, she got the crucifix at the house AND… left it behind! We got to Colchester yesterday and the woman in that shop had one she couldn’t sell, gave it to Jacquie. We left the shop and had to go BACK because Jacquie forgot it. And all the while, all I kept hearing about it the “time” we had/didn’t have to get to the next shop. But she went back. “That friggin’ crucifix. You’re not supposed to have it.” I said. Well, sure enough… we go back for the crucifix, she gets it, into the truck, on the road to “Padre Pio of Someplace in CT” and when she got THERE? The broad didn’t want it. Bottom line: Here sits Jacquie with TWO of them… at 50$ (retail: 100$) each! “God Is Tryin’ T’Tell You Something”. Sing it with me, children. – I’ve got a piss-poor, shitty attitude. – OK. Meanwhile… me. My right leg, from thigh to foot, is almost “out”. It does NOT want to hold me up, nor hold my body-weight. I’m in close-to-EXRUCIATING PAIN! (And I’m driving. I’m driving because I can’t stand the swerving she does, not paying attention. And yet, as I drive, she’s forever grabbing the dash.) Coming along 84 to here, there was an accident that slowed us down for MILES! And every time we’d move a little forward and I had to stop, she’d grab the dash. It’s on my nerves. (Note on note: leaving Fuklin, on the Machia Rd., she almost took a mailbox with us. But THAT’S NOT the point, my friend.) – Oh well, I can’t help but think: SHE claims Maryrose is annoyed with her because on their last trip, Ms.Mrose had to shell out about 100$ because Ms.J. “forgot her cheque-book.” Well, I’m beginning to see why Ms.Mrose is annoyed. First of all, Ms.J. has debit cards (plural) and credit cards (many plurals). But again: THAT’S NOT the point, my friend. And now, this trip? *I* have to go on-line to get a 50$ “Gift Card” from a motel chain… and that’s MY cut of the driving, and dog-sitting and being “civil” through it all. I say nothing. “Karma”… eventually. No matter what, one way or another, I’ll be gone. THEN, as always before, the “value” of my assistance and kind-heartedness will be missed… and excuses to the contrary will be made, I’ll be the “shit” and the “prick” about it all because of “abandoning” … THEM! Oh… fukkall! – Jump back a moment here: Last night when I got to “see me” I noticed that the haemorrhoid is rather quite HUGE now. It looks more like something trying to escape via my arse-hole! Horrid-looking thing. I can’t help but wonder if it isn’t a malignancy of some kind and I wonder if it isn’t some-how ass(tee-hee)ociated with my leg and back pains. Oh well. Not important. If it is, it’ll take me. Hopefully quite quickly and soon. If not… the rest is up to me. And so it is. – I’ve GOT to get the fuck out of VT and away from all this bitterness. The bitterness will stay and live on inside me, as a memory and a lesson not to be forgotten. But better to be OUT of and AWAY from VT! To think I’d actually dreamt of being in that state. Well… we live… we learn… I’ve not “lived”, but I’ve learnt. – And now, it’s 15.14 and I believe Ms. Hallie and I have been sitting here for at least 30 minutes. Another 30 to go… if not more, whilst Ms.J. schmoozes and chit-chats and such. How charming. – Last night I thought: I should be thankful for, at least, the opportunity to “tour” CT. Had things not turned as they have, I’d’ve been quite stuck in that shit-hole of 5225 and not gone anywhere for anything. I SHOULD look at this as a delightful little “road trip away”. I should… SHOULD. I’m trying. But even sitting here, brook-side, under the trees isn’t at all “fun”. It reminds me, too much, of Jericho, and having… HAVING to go to Brown’s Park, climbing up the trails and hills, to sit in an other–wise obscure area, under the trees, on a towel, to lay down and get rest. And to the days of walking vanCortlandt park, along the road, to the over-pass, to hide-away, sitting on the ground, to get away from the whining (Jim) and such… to come back to his flat, throw peanut butter on bread, the ONLY thing I ate for the most part, only to be told “The smell of peanut butter makes me nauseous.” Right then. ALL of my fucking, miserable existence, I’ve done ALL that I can to be un-intrusive to all. For what? And EVERY time I’ve “pulled back”, most because I had no choice, due to fatigue, illness, and now, PAIN, THEY get a fucking attitude!
Now, what I TRULY NEED TO DO IS: JUST DO FOR ME FOR A CHANGE AND NEVER MIND THE BULL-SHIT. It’s ALL about:
*** WHEN YOU TREAT PEOPLE THE WAY THEY TREAT YOU, THEY EITHER THINK YOU’RE ANGRY WITH THEM OR THAT YOUR NOT A NICE PERSON.***
FUKKEM! FUKKEMALL!!!
(15.22 and Ms.J. has walked down to the truck. Ms.Hallie sees her. “Is is cool out there a little bit? I’m almost done. Not quite.” she calls. Oh well… So much for THIS little moment of peace. Besides… the sun’s now shining on me, the table, the lap-top. Time to move along… as usual.

Thu.25.Aug: 1.33 FUKLIN! SHIT! TABARNAK! In the “little room” again. And the breeze, cool, and smelling of cow shit! We’re back. I’m exhausted. We got back at about 23.45 and sat for a beer and cheese and crackers and chatted, joked a lot about Jewish stuff and compared to Christian and Catholic. A good way to end a day that could have other-wise been bad. When we got done in Litchfield, we went for ice cream at a place called “Arethusa” where they make their own ice cream from their own cows. I had one scoop, which was LARGE (at about 3,25$!) and was good but not as good as “Dr. Mike’s” in Bethel but… When we got there, I had HEAD-ACHE from caffeine with-drawl and I let J. have it. Too much to ask to stop for a bottle of water? OK to drive round and make stops and sit in the truck and such to make certain she made her appointments but I said how selfish of me to ask for a bottle of water and of her to simply toss it to the side. I said I understood Maryrose’s attitude if that’s what she did to her! Anyway… right now, I’m too tired to get into it. But the drive back, which I did, was a delight… AND I’ve learnt that the 7 to get to NY isn’t all too bad at all. The 89 to BTV and to the 7 and it should be fine, as long as the Subaru will hold up and hold out. I’ll not be getting any money out of this trip though… that’s a settled issue. So much for a new PO box at month’s end, no more mailing address. And so car repairs, inspection, registration and repair. I’m fucked. Oh well… time to figure THIS out! – I’ll have time to fill in the blanks later, Jacquie’s going to work tomorrow. – One note: I am in pain… my legs are SHOT! I’m falling apart. NY or not… it’s “time to get the actual fuck out” of this world. I’m approaching “uselessness”. – 10.16 at table, kitchen, beginning the day… Shomali! Figures. – 22.33 Jacquie went to work. Pam phoned to say that Jes went into hospital with chest pains and they’re thinking of sending him to BTV in case of heart attack. I sent a message to Jacquie. She replied with the typical reference to “some of us can’t afford to retire” bull-shit. So I sent back word about how we work to kill ourselves to satisfy others who ultimately don’t give a shit about how much or how hard we’ve worked… and the communications went silent. Fuck. Oh well… – Sent an e-mail to Dorothy too. She’s back in GA. I never got to see her… BUT I WENT TO CT TO ACCOMPANY JACQUIE! Oh well. Fuck it… ALL. – I need to make a couple washes and get me to bed. Hopefully tomorrow I won’t have to wake at a particular hour. – I’m seeing just how “meagre” the “budget” is here. Oh well… I’m not out in the cold… YET. – OH! FINALLY SENT THE CV TO VINCENT TODAY! Let’s see where that goes. Meanwhile, I’m prepping for my solo trip across the lake… SOON SOON SOON!

Thu.26.Aug: 9.19 Just finished my smoke. The dark wash is in the machine. Hallie’s had breakfast and… I am back on the bed where I’d like to stay for the day but won’t, of course. If there was any day-light in here, I might. But it’s so dark in this room. Not to mention, there’s work to be done in the garden. Crops have to be harvested. I don’t know what I’ll do with it all, but it can’t be left out there. It’s a warm day, humid too. A touch cloudy. I have to check the forecast. – Jes is on my mind. And in the chat with Pam last night, she tells that Kerry’s “flagged”. That, coming across last night, to be with Jes, border patrol actually phoned the hospital. Ah… meanwhile, to the South, “illegals” MUST, under current policies, be allowed to enter and stay. It’s blatant bias. But so too, is the world. Bias at the borders, bias in the cities (toward improperly labelled “minorities”), bias in the work-place (against “Flatlanders” and men), bias in life… those who are perceived as “working” and those perceived as “not”. What a shit-pot of a place, this Earth. – I’m getting head-ache, just thinking of it. – My legs are no better but not as bad as some days. It’s going to be another “interesting” sort of day, to see what gets “accomplished”. – I’m thinking of posting a “veggie stand” notice on Crgslst or something for the week-end. Harvest the veggies and put them up for sale on the table. Today, tomorrow, only 2 days. Perhaps a sign of some kind? Not sure. But I have to try something. (I think of the 20$ “gas card” that Jacquie gave me. Shell. Of course, I told her to take it since she needs the gas to and from work… “work”. HOW am I to get gas at a station? I don’t dare drive that Subaru to the Shell in Sheldon or Enosburgh for fear the bearing will go, or worse. If it goes en route to NY I’ll be miserable. But at least I’ll be en route back to NY. If it goes in VT, I’m stuck dying here. Nope… Nope… and again… Nope.) – Another day… just… another day. I have to get busy and get some cash. – And I’ve got only one more pack of smokes left. I don’t know how. There should have been two in the back-pack. I don’t recall opening the second of the 3 from NH. Hell… I don’t recall much of anything recent… recently. Mind and body are breaking down. So too, spirit. Oh… alas, alas, alas… all ass. – Oh well. – I’ll ring-up Ev today too. See how THAT goes. – 13.17 The furnace cleaned. 2 bunnies found. Spoke with EV! 2 e-mails to Dorothy. “Thank you” message from jacquie including don’t work too hard. 2 coffees. Sun shining. OFF to the garden for the afternoon! I need the sun-shine! (Just making notes for now.) – 19.03 Finally sitting. Nice chat with Dickie Cooper today about GBBfags and such in Fuklin. Weeded the North garden edge then mowed both sides round the edge but the mower is TIRED! Then went to the store for bread, ice cream, iced-tea mix, PopTarts. Just missed Gordo there. Jada says he’s trying to make nice again. But even with Cooper, their “No Parking” signs are pissing people off. Oh well. – One bunnie didn’t make the afternoon. I put the other one by the phone shed. I hope a Mama Bunnie finds it. – I’m exhausted… 4 acetaminophen earlier. They’re only barely taking. And soon, laundry and shower and then? Hopefully an early finish to this day. Tomorrow? Hopefully… relaxing, because Sunday, Jacquie will be back early. She’s got the brunch at the church. – I wish I had a beer. I might mix iced-tea with something on the liquor shelf. – 22.03 In bed. SHOWERED! Clothes ALL clean. And no beer, no booze. Ice cream instead. There’s only 2 beers in the house anyway. Oh well. WTF. – Well, seems Jes had a clogged artery and they put in a stint (or, as Jacquie said “stints”). I commented that that’s what happens with “desk work”. I’ll either get nothing in response or some kind of nasty retort. Fukkit. – Let’s see, what else? Oh yes.. the chat with Ev. She truly sounded disappointed at not being able to get together and repeated that, once I’m back in NY, I’m always welcome in Queens. SHE’S GOING TO BE 90 COME DECEMBER! Imagine that? And she’s Summering at the lake and keeping house in Queens. Meanwhile, I’m limping and gimping about up here. Life… what a fuck. She’s keeping the house at the lake and Lois will be moving in when her daughter finishes high school. That’s wonderful! All told, it was a really lovely chat with her today. Cut short by another call. She’s keeping busy. Bless her. – The chat with Cooper today included the facts about me leaving 5225, he complained about the “No Parking” signs, pointing out that it’s State property in front of that house and, as Jacquie said, they can put what-ever signs they want but they can’t stop people from parking there. He also had a bit of a shit-fit when he learnt that Jacquie allows 100$/month to the twats for lawn-mowing! Said that she should pay me that much, if not more and I’d do the job “right”. We talked a bit about religion and politics. He’s annoyed about the Muslim invasion of the schools in the state. I’m guessing he’s another Republican. Bad note: they’re “Catholic”. Oh well… and to think, with his mouth and mind… Catholic. more “typical” on that point. But he too is already not fond of the current 5225. I took the opportunity to let him know that Franklin is in for some serious shit. He said he could tell just by where the front property has gone since I left. – Oh, and at 10.30 there was a “Hello?” on the porch. McCuin came to clean the furnace and I had my Adidas “jammies” on. Nice enough young fellow. Got and went right to work on the furnace. Spoke kindly. Called me “sir”. He’s the one who found the first bunnie by his truck. – I didn’t get much “sun-shine” though today, working mostly in the shade and with shirt on. But I DID manage to get the perimeters a bit cleaner. Toward the end, the mower kept stalling because the grass back there is so high. AND, it hit that one piece of plastic runner that Jacquie claims to have pulled up… and, of course, left right where it was… right where I mowed. I tossed it into the pumpkins. I don’t give a shit. – There’s a lot that needs to be harvested out there, I’m sure. And there are some nice pumpkins already quite large and orange. I’ll have to take photos to send to Dorothy. – Dorothy… I sent her off a 2-part e-mail. She’s already responded and sent Donna’s address. Donna doesn’t have computer but would love to hear from me. I’ll have to work on a letter to her. (Shame, but next week I won’t have a mailing address. I can’t care about that any more.) – The one bunnie didn’t make it through the day. I laid it in the zinnias by the phone shed. The other one, I laid on the grass beside the shed, with the hope the Mama bunnie will find it. I doubt that will happen though. When I just went out for last smoke I thought of how lucky that little bunnie is: if it dies over-night, it’s a comfortable night. I’d like to “go” on such a night… soon. – Today it occurred to me: I came up to this shit-hole state on 24 October. The weather wasn’t all that cold or bad. So going back to NY even in September won’t be too bad. Maybe a bit cooler in the mountains, but I’ve got clothing to ward off the chill. I’m set and ready to go. – 22.21 and the 2-wheelers are roaring by. Oh and too… Eric is in from Enosburgh… there’s a fire in the fire pit. (Cooper mentioned seeing their chairs and such on the lawn. I told him they have “fires” in the pit I built. He suggested I go over and disassemble it. He also suggested that I go and get the mower from the barn. Oddly enough, I do believe that if I did and they pulled shit against me, he’d defend me.) – And so, tonight I had the 6 slices of left-over turkey cold-cuts on 2 rolls. “Meal”. Had half the ice cream already. I couldn’t … and I mean “couldn’t” stand to cook the aubergine tonight. So, what I get out of that garden tomorrow, IF I get anything out of it, I’ll put much on the table and hope somebody takes much and leave a couple dollars. Otherwise, there’s more food going to the “compost”. I’m still running on anger from last year. (We had corn last night… it’s sweet enough to eat with-out butter.) – Oh… I told Ev about the garden. She laughed “You’ve become a farmer!” Indeed. – The 4 acetaminophen seem to be “working” a bit. My hip isn’t as sore as it was, my legs are a bit better. But neither really wants to hold me up. Still, any reduction in pain is appreciated. – Well… it’s 22.27 and time to skim the soc.med. and hope nobody comes to bug me tomorrow. It’s my “day of light work” and I don’t want to have to get up at a particular time nor be particularly nice to anybody. Tomorrow night is the end of my peaceful week-end. Alas. Alas.

Sat. 27.Aug: 8.22 Awake and coffee, smoke and just laying back on the bed, Hallie came in and drooled on the bed! So THIS is how today is going to run? And on this crystal clear morning my first thoughts are of Vincent, biking from Brooklyn to Pt. Henry and the delays, delays, delays. And how to get the car, my boxes and me across the lake. The little “retirement” money, and how to get that with-out a mailing address (at least it’s still getting some “interest” though). – Woke out of a dream of Bobo in a jock and work-boots. I’m sure that was only because I had to pee. There couldn’t be any other reason. – Pondering: I SHOULD go to the garden, do a bit of “harvesting”. I don’t know where to put the produce but I’m sure it’ll go to that “Sue Irish” to sell at market. Funny, that, somebody else does the work and she collects the revenue. Typical. It’s kind to provide the produce.. it’s “VT” to take it and benefit from it with-out so much as a “Thanks”. – Oh well… another day in the shit-hole state. The day will come when it’ll be: get in the car and go as far as possible. – 21.13 What a charm: in jammies, showered, (my stomach is churning though, for some reason) and the delightful stench of rotting garbage comes into the room when I have the fan on. I don’t dare say anything about it because I know what I’ll hear “There’s no place else to put the garbage.” or something along that line. Oh well… a couple more weeks (if that). Gone. – Today, I managed to “cultivate” the rows in the North garden. Harvested a small shit-load and put it all on the table with a large sign at the end of the drive for “Organic Non-GMO Vegetable Choice” (the “s” in vegetables wouldn’t fit oh well). A little sign on the table “This Year’s Donation$ = Next Year’s Crops. Thank you for every bit.” Whilst I weeded, somebody left 3$! Woo-fucking-hoo. So at about 16.00 I called it quits with the weeding. There’s still some that need to be “mowed in” but I’m not concerned. Remembered that Dickie C. said “You do all the hard work and nobody bothers to maintain anything.” Yep… Vermont. – This morning, had a “chat” on FB with Dorothy. She sent Donna’s address. I have to write her! But right now… I had an aubergine for dinner this evening and nothing else. Odd, I didn’t wash this one and tonight my stomach’s churning. And I noticed that the North end of the North garden smells like human shit when raked. I wonder… – Jes is due back home tomorrow in time for the church brunch which will bring Jacquie back early but she’ll be there until about 13.00 anyway. – My clothes are in the dryer and the day is coming to an end. – Oh! I’m back DOWN to 166lbs! from 176! All since the CT trip. Will it make me feel any better? I can only hope. I’m disappointed in not being 170 or even 175. But today I did notice: rolls of gut and droopy tits. I’m getting OLD! (Come to find out, Dorothy’s been rather “aging” this year too… at 65 she’s feeling the years. I’m truly not alone in this shit.) – Off to finish the ice cream and to beddie-bye soon! – Fuck this day, this state.

Sun.28.Aug: 8.09 I jolted up at about 7.00, missing the 6.00 alarm completely. Dressed, pee’d, had my coffee, fed Ms.Hallie, swept the floors (no Hoover this morning, too early), had my smoke and washed the kitchen floor. I’ve yet to have my morning BM. But that’s not the point. Over-cast this morning. Hopefully, there will be rains this after-noon (but I doubt I should be so fortunate). Jacquie should be rolling in and out in due course. There’s a “brunch”… “The last of the year.” as they refer to it, at the church today. Her accoutrements and accessories are boxed on the kitchen table. A reprieve until this after-noon. And this morning? What has become “typical” for my Vermont sojourn: pondering the work that has been accomplished in my 5 years here, the work I THINK I’d like to do and the reality that no matter what I do or do not do, the only thing that will be remarkable is and will be the work that I simply, physically cannot do. The urge to simply get up and leave. The anxieties of the NY “gig” falling through which will be the “end” of me. – 8.16 She’s arrived. Oh well… there goes my morning. I haven’t the stamina to put up with this. Courage. – 8.31 Here and gone. And the question: “Did she have breakfast yet?” meaning, did I feed Hallie. Honestly, these people. They assume first, that we’ve done nothing. Fukkers, the lot of them. – ANYWAY…. this morning’s “Philosophical Moment”, to my cousins:
We come from “working stock”, this family. The Callihans, Kesslers, Stickles and Yeomans, all were heavy-stock workers. Barges, farms, tree-cutters, etc. And we, the generations, watched and learned the value and satisfaction of “doing” and doing well. When they worked, when we work, the necessary jobs got done, properly the first time and the results were nothing less than the best. This is our legacy, tradition, history… our “blood line”: to work as much and for as long as our bodies and minds are able, even through pains, both physical and spiritual. We “work”, we toil, we “do” and we “do” to the very limits of our abilities and capabilities (and sometimes, because, in spite of knowing “better”, we push beyond those boundaries, more often to our own detriment). All too often and more than likely, the results of our efforts are appreciated and admired not by others, but ourselves. WE know that that which we’ve done is “done”… as well and best as could be done by any mortal… if not better than most.
Now, in Vermont? NOT SO, I have found and learnt, the people of this state called “Vermont”. Here, although these people may have come from a similar or same history and stock (or, in the case of the recent influx of those “from away” and those called “flatlander”, perhaps not or not so much). Some, the “Vermonters” of yore and yester-year, have, in their lineage and line, the stoics who fought and toiled, cleared the wood-lands, tilled the soil, raised the herds and crops, built and settled towns and village but… as the years have passed, obviously the blood has thinned, the genetic pool turned to bog or, as would appear for most, little more than a trace of “humidity” in an other-wise arid waste-land. Today’s “Vermonters”, I can safely say, after just short of 5 years of co-habitating this picturesque wedge of North America, that the very best “do” of Vermonters in every direction is “avoidance”. Equally, the other “great talent” is their ability to be offensive, to NOT notice hard work and great toil that HAS been done and accomplished, but rather, to speak on that which has NOT been done… and to boisterously voice a disappointment, making certain to make point of their perception of “short-coming”. Other-wise, for the most part, they are magnificently awe-inspiring at dodging “doing” of any and all matters and kind. If there isn’t a machine that will “do” the work, the work will, in most cases, not get “done” in Vermont. And to those who “do” with their hands and arms, legs and backs, instead of words of gratitude or admiration, a Vermonter will be ever so Mercurially quick to spout “You’re making the rest of us look bad.”, usually, else-where said with a bit of a smile, a nudge, a nod or a wink, but NOT in Vermont where the sentiment comes churning up from the very core and bowels of soul, with bile, vitriol and vomit. There are machines for cutting roads, cutting wood, removing trees and rocks and stone, for tilling soil, planting crops, and even harvesting, machines for mowing lawns, cutting and baling hay, feeding and milking live-stock, washing cars, painting houses, on and on and on and on and if there isn’t a machine to perform a task… the road is a path, wood is bought from those who have cut, farms lay fallow or become condo-developments (built by “flatlanders” who are then hated for “taking” the farm-land), live-stock disappears, etc. And then there’s the reaction to those who “do”, the animosity, the resentment, the “looking bad” and the response to that. The back-stabbing with razor-sharp honed tongues and poisoned-dart glances… As Silas so eloquently put it, back in our days of sudden education: “Coming from larger cities, we almost expect, at least from somebody, to be attacked at one time or another for one reason or another in some fashion or another. We come to Vermont believing that the people here are kinder, more humane, less arrogant and angry. When we’re screwed in a large city, we’re almost prepared for it, but when we get screwed in Vermont, it comes as a surprise attack, and because it wasn’t expected, it’s more damaging.” In the years that have followed that evening when he said that, I’ve come to add: “And they know it, and are entertained and amused by the damage they cause and inflict.” But all the while, as time goes by, I, personally, continue to do my best, to live up to the ethics and standards of my own lineage… working, toiling, as best as i can for as long as I can. The satisfaction and gratification is mine, in a job done as well as possible, to the best of my abilities and capabilities. And although it’s no longer hurtful, it’s annoying and angering when what is noticed and spoken on is not the work that IS accomplished but, rather, the work I’ve not yet gotten to. Or, as has been the case almost from the beginning, the “Oh, isn’t it a shame that we had to lose” something that hasn’t even been seen in 25 years or more.
9.11 (nice hour) and I’m exhausted again, already. But the place is “mine” until about 13.30. I think I’ll snooze. – 10.34 and snooze, I did… until the alarm sounded at 10.00. And at last, I’ve had my morning “toilet” during which, I filed my nails. Relief. – Now, as for the day? Still over-cast. But the only distraction is Ms. Hallie. Indeed, I feel a bit badly for her, since i don’t have the stamina or energy to romp’n’frolic. But, it is as it is. And still, all I can think about is this horrid little hole of a state and getting out of and away from it. Must figure that out… QUICKLY! – 21.35 Just back from es and Kerry’s. Jes is back. Kerry is doing all the “worried spouse” crap with diet and such. Jacquie brought ham form the brunch and Kerry wouldn’t let Jes have any because of the salt. Apparently he went into hospital because of some “tightness” in the chest. Honestly. Oh well. Me? I can only hope. I mean, I get the most horrific chest pains along with all the pain in the back and now I can’t put my shoes on because I’ve no strength in the ankles. Me, well, one of these days I’ll just collapse. Done. Here, in this town, it’ll just be an inconvenience. I don’t give a shit any longer. – The day? I wasn’t going to but I did rake up the weeds in the garden. Then when she came back from the brunch, listened to Jacquie commenting: You did all this with the mower? No. Hand clipped then mowed. Dropped. I worked a bit on the front of the house as well today, weeding and clipping. Then came in at about 16.00. Jacquie wanted to make something for dinner… for me… she wasn’t hungry. I declined. We had a beer. THEN it was NAP TIME! I was wasted! We napped for a while and Kerry called to invite up up there. Their friend Marilyn came by… took over the conversation to the point where she’d interfere with others but when I spoke, she shot an “excuse me” at me. Fukkall. Typical. Not worth the space to go on about it. – And A little while ago, Jacquie and I walked back. – The fan is on exhaust now. First thing I noticed when we came in was the stench of garbage. So, I have the door open and the fan pulling air in from the porch. – It rained a bit and we actually had a lightning/thunder storm for a brief while this evening. – Oh my! Tuesday… 61. Gee. I’ve got 8 smokes in the pack and a 20CAD. I wonder if I could possibly wangle a trip to, at least, St-Armand tomorrow for a pack. I’ll mention. Jacquie had said something about going to MTL on Wed… for my birthday. This evening, she said something about taking Hallie to “the shrine” (St. Ann’s on Isle la Motte) to go swimming on Wednesday. There’s no putting faith or trust in these people here. – Meanwhile… I’m showered. Time for a brief soc.med. – I still have to get to writing to DONNA! Tomorrow might be nice… that and smokes. HAHAHAH! I’m such a fuktard.

Mon.29.Aug: 6.43 And I’m “awake”, and in from smoke. And the house is asleep. The morning mail truck is un-loading. It could be a “bucolic country morning” but… it’s still “here”. – I’m in a sweat. I don’t know why. Not from heat. Just suddenly, broke into a sweat. As I was walking to the kitchen for coffee, there was horrid “needles” pain in my right foot to the point where I thought, for a moment, I wasn’t able to stand. Shit’s falling apart here. – Ah, and, no word from NY. He did say “late August or early September” then changed it to “October”. But … Can’t trust anybody. Just can’t trust anybody. – And there’s a fly, a little fly… no doubt from the garbage out-side the window. – The sky is trying to clear this morning. Nice breeze. I could be a “quiet country morning”… it is… some-where else. – 20.26 In bed. Showered. Thirsty. In PAIN! This morning, Jacquie got up round about 8.00 and I sat at table with her for a bit. At 9.00, I checked my e-mails… VINCENT! He made it to Elizabethtown yesterday evening! So I sent him an immediate reply telling how I thought of him when we had the thunder storms. Says he, he’s relaxing, will look at my CV and let me know where he’s going with his business when he decides. This, to me, does not bode well. Well… I’ll be packing and getting ready for my “take-off/check-out” in a week or so. And after today… it’ll be a blessing! – at about 10.00, I went out, got 8 zinnias from the garden and transplanted them to the front. 5 in the “lilies” and 3 round the “paper-tube” but didn’t get to water them in because… well… Jacquie wanted me to come inside for a while. I did, she laid down and dozed and I went back out the South garden where I sat on my arse and clipped the grass at the edge. Crab-fucking-grass! I’m so sick of it now! But I got it all done, down to the corn and when I went to stand up to get the hay cart to haul it off…
PAIN! PAIN! PAIN! HORRID PAIN!
ON A SCALE OF 1-10 WHERE 10 IS “BLACK-OUT” AND 11 IS DEAD…
I WAS ABOUT 10,7!!! IT WAS HORRENDOUS!
MY WAIST FELT AS IF IT HAD BEEN CRUSHED.
MY LEGS DIDN’T WANT TO HOLD ME UP.
MY CALVES BURNED LIKE ACID.
MY ANKLES JUST ACHED IN WEAKNESS.
MY FEET TINGLED.
IT WAS ALMOST FRIGHTENING TODAY!
I came into the kitchen, took 4 acetaminophen and went back out to pick up the weeds/grass with the “cultivator” and put them into the hay waggon… I had to use the cultivator as a walking stick to hold me up as I pulled the hay waggon full of weeds… TWICE! When I came back into the house for a quick drink and 2 more acetaminophen, Jacquie was in the parlour, making those “yawning” noises that Margot used to make… repeatedly. I ignored them because I couldn’t move from the chair for a bit. When she came into the kitchen, I asked if she was going to Québec any time soon. She hadn’t planned on it and asked why. I told her I needed smokes but would post to Crgslst for a lift. “How are you?” she asked. “It’s not important. I’m working.” I answered. “How bad are you?” she asked. “Nobody cares to hear about that.” I said. “That’s not true.” she replied. “OK then; nobody’s gives a shit.” I said, snarky. “That’s not true either.” she said. “I have to go finish the garden now.” I said, and went to do that weed-picking-up. Ah… but as I was pulling the 2nd waggon, she was out in the garden gathering tomatoes. “That’s enough of that!” she said. “We have to go for a ride to Québec now.” “I’m not done yet.” I said. “Yes you are.” she said. “You can finish tomorrow!” “I might not be here tomorrow.” I said. “Fine. But you’re finished for today. We’re going to Québec now.” she said. Realising I need to take an offer as it’s made, I went along with it. Didn’t even bother to change my shirt or what… When I got to the truck, she was getting in the passenger side. I drove… to St-Armand. – St-Armand… André came from the back and IMMEDIATELY recognised me! (Jacquie stayed in the truck with Hallie.) We chatted on and on like old friends. I was THRILLED to see him and in the year or so since I saw him last, his English has really improved! He tells me that he’s sold the store… to a Frenchman… for a million!!! Said he’s opening a Summer ice-cream stand or something along the road going toward The Dutch; 6 months up North, 6 months in Florida “unless Trump is elected”. We chatted about Clinton and how terrible she’d be and how good Trump will be. He had a delivery so I had to leave him. But it was SO WONDERFUL to see and old friend in town! – I drove away and we checked the rest of “centre-ville”, as it were. CUTE! Nice little village! And at one point we took a “cul-de-sac and when we got to the end? The old U.S. customs sign was immediately beside the house! Their “pasture” crossed the line! Incredibly close to town! It was a “WOW” moment! Jacquie found the whole town very cute and one little house in particular. “That’s the size house I want. Not the huge thing I have.” she said. – Crossing the border both ways was quick and easy. And en route back, we drove up Pigeon Hill… to the end… in somebody’s circular drive up there! It’s AMAZING! The old road was closed and aside from the gate in the field, there’s no indication the road ever existed. AND… on the U.S. side it’s a nicely-mowed grass that simply ends and begins, on the Canada side as the farmer’s crop. No fence. No cut-line. No indication that there’s any “border” there at all! MOST AMAZING! Just a trip down the Pigeon Hill rd. on the Canada side and if nobody stops you… toddle across the farm. But… we know better… for now anyway. – When we got back to the house, fresh corn, tomato-cheese toasted sandwiches for “meal”. The corn truly is sweet and wonderful. No butter or anything. I had 2. Jacquie had about half. – Just before dinner, I’d taken another 2 acetaminophen. By after dinner, with the beer, I was a little better. The pain is getting so bad that even 6 pills isn’t killing it. But I went out to the South garden to do a little weeding then out front to finally water the zinnias that aren’t looking too happy about being moved and not watered. I can only hope they survive! – That done, it was time to come it… 20.00. I took my shower, bade a “bonne nuit” to Jacquie and now… with the fan on “exhaust” and still, the stench of garbage coming in the window… it’s time to call this day… FUCKED! I’m tired… and hoping for a night of sleep… all the way through with-out ANY PAIN at all!

Tue.30.Aug: 10.33 and 61 fucking years. – Up at 3. Up at 5. Up at 6. Out of bed at 8. A rather cool morning. Dew on the grass. Jacquie at table feeling wonderful. Me? Tired! Just tired. Nothing on the agenda. Planning on keeping it that way. Back is only a bit painful this morning. And my “concern”: becoming useless before getting back to NY. Time to “pack to go”. – Jacquie and Hallie are out for a walk round the town. I didn’t go because, well, honestly… I don’t know that I’d make it round. Half mile but… – This morning, a bit of fesses-book. Posts about Homelessness for the most. Little else posted there. But it’s got me and LoupNordique posted as “birthday”. Ca se peut tu? Who the fuck gives a shit? It’s just been another year. BFD. – 23.09 Done. It’s done. Accomplishments? None. Nothing. An argument with Jacquie over the Shomali shit. But other-wise, as for the day… done. Just as any other day… done. I “did” nothing. Just nothing. There was no mention of birthday. Nobody actually knows. But I did find out that Jacquie is 74! I MUST keep that in mind and not be so tough. Although, I did get the chance to say: Other people, everybody else, can get “hurt” and others will respond kindly. But me? No. I’ve never had the opportunity to be “hurt”… because even when I am and I react, others see it as being mad or angry. True, that. But anyway, it’s not important any more. It truly isn’t. This evening, Jes and Kerry came down for dinner. At round about 20.30. It was pleasant. I quickly interjected something about today being my “7th Annual 55th Birthday”… it dropped, as usual… un-heard. Done. The day is done. Did I expect different? No. I suppose I’m just a little taken… nothing. Well… as I typed this morning, “who the fuck gives a shit?” Obviously… nobody. Done. – Now, in bed, fan going to keep the stench of rotting garbage out… a quick soc.med. and hopefully a night’s sleep and a good tomorrow. There’s garden weeding and trimming to be done (and, soon, no doubt, lawn-mowing that I’ll get to because, well, according to the twats, the air filter on a mower needs replacing… I washed the one they took out. It can be re-used… it probably won’t be. But it’s an excuse to NOT mow… and Jacquie’s mentioned that it could use a mowing. – Alas… enough about this fucking day. – If NY doesn’t come through… I’m on my way… MY WAY!

Wed.31.Aug: No more mailing address. – 9.47 Been up since about 7.45. Stomach churning. Rainy day. Have to dodge the trip to “the shrine”. But the garbage is away from the window at last! And it’s over-cast. The month is ending. No word from NY. I’ll get to my “packing” today and map a quiet road into the mountains. – 22.58 And back in bed at last. Feeling amazingly a little bit better today. I can’t help but think that this is what I’ve needed all along: A few days of doing nothing strenuous. Maybe some of the muscles and nerves have had a chance to heal. But in spite of the pain diminished, I still know, full-well, that my body is running down and that unless something happens to change my situation, I need to focus on getting away and not being a dead-ass burden on others. I know that I need to get the fuck out of Vermont. I WILL NOT DIE IN THIS SHIT-HOLE! And “die” is probably something that’s going to happen in the very near future. – The day? Well, it rained, on and off. Jacquie took Hallie to the lake to swim, and then, on her way back to the house, stopped at Jes and Kerry’s for tea. She left at about 10.30 and got back at about 14.30. When she came back, she immediately began cooking… eggplant Parmesan! And it was WONDERFUL! Truly WONDERFUL! While she cooked, she asked me if my birthday was yesterday or today. I told her. “We should have sang Happy Birthday last night.” I made little of it. But as we were getting ready to have dinner, Kailah came down to give her most (35$ short) of the rent and she, Jacquie, immediately asked me if I want to go to Bedford next week to get more smokes and how much a pack is here. When I told her, she gave me 10$ and said “I don’t want you worrying about getting more over the week-end.” NOBODY has EVER done that before! I’m amazed. And grateful. And impressed. And GRATEFUL! NOBODY has EVER done that before! – We had a wonderful dinner and then watched the news… and just now finished watching Trump’s “Immigration” presentation which was impressive. I see so much greatness happening, with him as President. A shame, really, that I don’t see me being around to witness much, if any of it. – Anyway, one thing that I keep reminding myself that I must remember: Jacquie is 74 and I must behave accordingly, with respect and patience and compassion. She truly IS a MOST REMARKABLE human being. We have our differences. My patience and compassion are greatly diminished because of so much that’s worn it all away over the years, especially the past 10-15. But she has been a wonderful person. And I am, honestly, grateful to her. – I also have 2 pages of letter typed to Donna. That’s what I spent a lot of today getting together. It’s not easy, trying to catch-up but I’m doing my best and now I have to make sure it gets to her. – Tomorrow I have no mailing address again… unless I can come up with 30$ by Monday. If I do, I’ll save the box here and deal with the rest later… if there is a “later”. Meanwhile? I’ll probably lose the FS again and much more. I’ve no doubt that I could easily get “disability”. But being in this shit-hole state has turned me so far against it. I’ll also lose the few hundred bucks in my “retirement” fund. But… you know? Dead is more attractive… and at this rate, that’s what’s coming WAY before anything else. – I’m just in from my last smoke of the day and watching a fog roll in from the West. Seeing it in the street light, and floating across the night sky. Oh, how I wish it was one of those fogs that came in and smothered life out of people. Now I lay me down to sleep and fuck the rest of time. Amen. – Well… it’s time to get a little nap in here. I took a 30-minute before dinner. I need a night’s sleep. The house is dark and quiet. The day is done… and today, so too, another month. August is gone. When I wake… September. If word of a move back to NY doesn’t come in the next few days, at least the forecast is for a warm month… a nice place on a mountain, and… good-bye. I’ve had more than my share and too much more than “enough”. Everybody else is gone… it’s my turn to get out of here… now.