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February 2014
Sat.1.Feb: 5.25 And… Awake. Hot-tap coffee and a smoke. Bob’s asleep on the sofa, light on, TV on “no signal” or some such thing. My fingers are sore where they’re cracked from the mail. My nose is bleeding. – I woke to the bed-clothes tossed and knotted. I remember having had a terrible dream last night: Faggot came at me with a vengeance and I tried to toss it over a cliff or something with my legs. I remember waking with my feet in the air, under the blankets. And then I went back to sleep. My mind is trying to sort-out and settle anxieties and conflicts… in my sleep. – There is money due to others, in the account at the CU… (and at 5.30 exactly, the YOWL of the piece of shit across the hall… imagine that… there is no coming to terms with that torture). 18miles away and about 90 minutes by bike. The CU is open only until noon today… I work until 11.30. No way to get to the CU to get the cash I need. Alternative? To go with Bob, when he goes to work on Monday… then bike back. The trip back to the house is longer because it’s mostly UP hills. It opens at 8.00, I would wait there from about 6.30 until 8.00, conduct my business and be on the road by 8.15… I could make it to the house by 11.00 and be at work by 14.00. Partly sunny, minus 6, chill of minus 8° in the forecast. Not TOO cold, in comparison to recent temperatures. I just might plan on it. I want to get money to “them”. – This morning, half a new bottle of vodka sits on the counter in the kitchen. Last night was shockingly quiet. They were in at about 22.00. Not at all too rowdy. They came in, the dogs barked and howled, things settled, I returned to sleep. As I say: shocking. – And so, here we have the second month of the year. The count-down to the “Spring” begins. What a damned shame. What a damned, damned shame. And I wait for some break in the bitter cold… to go… HOME. – And this is how my “day” begins. I should be over-joyed with having returned to work. I should be over-joyed with having a job that I actually like. I should be over-joyed with being back in The North Country. I should be over-joyed with the romanticism of being in New England… I am not. I am dull, empty, annoyed, bitter. I am sick to my soul. A new day, a new month… the end of an old week and a new week to begin… and I am sick to my soul – TRUST NO ONE, NO ONE AT ALL FOR ANY REASON, FOR ANY LENGTH OF TIME. GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO SO, ALL WILL ATTACK WITH DESTRUCTION AS PURPOSE. TRUST NO ONE!!! 16.29 The snow started at about 15.30 and it’s now coming down quite steadily. “They” went out… to St. Albans… almost immediately when I came in at noon. it didn’t strike me until just moments ago: Today is the first of a new month and faggot got its Food Stamps! Honestly! They can’t wait to go SPEND ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING! Well, no wonder, when it comes to food. They graze non-stop! So they go out on the 1st and BINGE-BUY and by the end of the month/first of the following month, there’s nothing… well, that’s not true either because this place is PACKED with left-overs (that they won’t eat… they’d rather throw the food away). Oh, how I so need to get the fuck out of here! – 18.56 Just after I put in that entry, I got SO tired that I had to lay down. And so I did and so I half-slept until about 18.30. Yes, I was called to dinner. Yes, Bob came to the door and knocked and looked in. No, I did not get up. No I did not eat with. And no, I do not regret because, as I thought, whilst peeing in the toilet that wasn’t flushed after the last person dumped into it: SOMETIMES THE PAIN OF EATING SOMEONE ELSE’S FOOD That said, I’ve just finished another coffee (with creamer) and will now go to the porch for a smoke. I don’t know WHAT they had for dinner tonight but it smells like fried “old fish”. Not appealing in the least bit. Perhaps I’m being saved form something… later. – The bloody road is covered in snow again! Ah… my Winter! It will linger on… and on… and on… and… – 23.51! I can’t believe it! I’m still awake! And the door to the room is still open! And I’m listening to the radio! And I still can’t believe I’m still awake! For HOURS, I’ve been working on my time-keeping spread-sheet. Got it done through December! I’m rather proud of that. AND… I’ve done ANOTHER “automated 1412”! The lay-out is done. Now I have to put in the calcs and the borders. I don’t know that I’ll be able to use it in Franklin, but at least I have one. As I worked on it I was again reminded of all the things that I no longer have, all the work that I’ve done over the years and trust others to care as much for and about the work as I did… and how I’ve been so brutally fucked because I trusted anybody… ANYBODY AT ALL! Well… that’s NOT EVER HAPPENING AGAIN! – Meanwhile, when I went down for that smoke I’d mentioned, Bob and Lyle were in the living-room. Bob told of how he came to the room and I didn’t respond so he figured I needed the sleep. Then he told me that there’s a covered plate in the fridge with a “tuna pattie and fries” on it for me. No, I haven’t even gone near the fridge. No doubt, the food will be gone by sun-rise anyway. If not, by noon it’ll be in the garbage. One way or another, it’ll be gone, but I won’t have eaten it. – Which brings me to another topic: FS is over 400 an the banque is over 600! Imagine? I can afford to get food but can’t get to the store, nor would I have any way of storing or preparing food even if I DID get it! As for the banque… 500 off the top goes to this house-hold (ethics here). IF I could put the FS and the cash together as cash… I could stroll along and get a vehicle! Now THAT’s the direction I truly NEED to go in right now. But, as is the case with my entire existence: NOT! – I’ve had a few spoons of the chocolate drink powder. It kills the appetite but upsets the stomach. Hopefully the chocolate and the sugar will put me to sleep in quick order. I’m just waiting for the bed to warm up a bit. – Latest on the TongG boots… they’re holding quite well today. I hope I can get them looking OK again and that I’ve finally repaired them! – And did I mention? I probably didn’t… today, when “they” took off for “St. Albans” I got to rather enjoy a leisurely 10z! How delightful is THAT? Quite… for me. – And, as a closing note: the snow is still falling, though ever so lightly at this point but the WIND is smacking and banging against the house! The forecast is for snow through Sunday morning and, of course, Monday will be back to the COLD! I’ve been trying to figure how to get to the CU on Monday morning and making it back in time to get to work by 14.00. Well, that gives me more to ponder. But for now? Time to put out the light and get another nap in here. The alarm is still set for … WAIT! There is NO alarm set for Sundays! Must change that immediately. 6.00 it is then! – So good-night! (How I wish the temperatures would rise so I could go HOME! – I need to make a wash too. Things are beginning to develop an odour… and I need a beard and hair trim as well… Tough shit on all that though… eh? Sun.2.Feb: 7.10 Imagine this: I remember that today is LC’s birthday. BFD. – I woke at 6.30 with the alarm. I was awake at about 2.00 this morning, on my own, but hadn’t gone to sleep until well after midnight. Bad night? I don’t really know. But at 2.00, I went right back to sleep. – This morning, I’ve had coffee, chatted with Lyle who’s taken “several anti-allergy” meds and is rather… out there some-where. He made a request for art: A picture of a dog with the inscription “The question is: Who saved who?” Something he saw in TJ Max yesterday. Art? I want, so much, to be able to paint again. I have 3 stories that I’ve not touched and that should be written. Art? If only I had the peace of mind and the peace of house. – Not feeling too well this morning. Stomach is out of sorts. Too much sugar, too much shit food. PopTarts and raw oatmeal. Is it any wonder? – And the thought: I owe 2k in rent, at least 500$ to “Nancy”. (And one of my first thoughts of this morning was the loss of the needle and thread o repair my “loggers”… gone with storage. And it eats at me. And how I’ve managed to “cleanse” my life of the 3 bitches in my personal life and here I am… a new PM at work… another potential. No, I’m not comfortable with the new boss-lady. I don’t know exactly “why” but I’m not… I fore-see troubles ahead.) – Not sure what the temperature is this morning, but the thermometre on the barn reads “20°F”. That thing has varied from plus 20 to minus 20 through the Winter, with only slight variations. But the plus 20 this morning feels “warm”. The plows are out on the road already this morning. The snow on the roof is melting. If only the temperatures would rise a bit. I might be able to make a run into St. Albans tomorrow to give “them” some money. That would give me a bit of peace. It would leave me almost nothing to “live” off of. But at least my “ethics would be soothed. – Time to get on with the new 1412… it’s a distraction. But it’s something other than the thoughts that haunt. I need the distraction from “the thoughts that haunt.” – Death. So early in the day. Every day. – 8.33 I KNEW “my” dinner from last night wouldn’t go to waste (or so I thought more of that than it being tossed to the trash). I can smell it being heated.. I’m really rather quite hungry this morning… but again: SOMETIMES THE PAIN OF EATING SOMEONE ELSE’S FOOD 13.48 “They” are all back in St. Albans. I was invited but there’s no sense in me going there with them, for any reason at all today. Tomorrow, how-ever, I need to go, but that’s a different story altogether. But, if “they” want money. arrangements will have to be made. Meanwhile? The account will accrue some “dividends” as long as the cash remains there. – At 9.00, I went back to bed, being ever so tired. At 9.25… knock at the door and Bob comes in… for no apparent reason. Now, I do all that I can to keep as quiet as possible whilst they are sleeping. But when it comes to the reverse… there’s no consideration at all. The talking, banging about, dogs yowling and yipping. Fun times for all… of “them”. Me? Fuck me. Next… Lyle comes to the door. He’s made “ginger bread waffles” and would I like any? No thank you, I’ll pass. And I get up and out of bed. HONESTLY! – When I went down-stairs for a smoke, Bob and Lyle were going through some drawer, in the kitchen. Lyle repeated his offer… the batter is in the fridge. I thanked and went about my business. – I’m trying to get an automated 1412 together. For some reason, my brain is having trouble figuring this one out this time. To think… I had one all done… on a flash drive… gone. No, the memories of what’s gone will be with me… probably until the day my last brain cell rots. Bitter? Oh yeah. – I just went out to the brook to get water for the plants. They don’t seem to like the tap water. The brook is frozen solid! Oh well. I’ll have to figure something else out. The Christmas cactus from Richford is looking quite unhappy. I’m concerned. – And so, “they” all took off to go food shopping and such shit. That was several hours ago and the house has been relatively quiet. And I’ve been working on the 1412. And I need and want to get the fuck out of here so badly, so soon. – Temperature? Not too bad. – I should take advantage of this day, hair-cut, beard-trim. I don’t want to. I don’t care enough any more. I don’t really care enough about most… I just don’t care… enough… about anything. – 17.50 Waiting for the bread to rise… imagine, asking for bread at 15.30 to eat at 17.00. Well, that’s how it happened. And of course, I put the dough together and the first rise didn’t happen… Why? The house is fucking cold. OK? OK! Meanwhile, “they” made “beef barley” soup… “They” are eating it now… the bread dough is still in the oven… waiting to rise. Me? I’ve been working the 1412 all after-noon, with a few interruptions. And now? I’m sitting up in the room, listening to the radio, not “invited” to dine… although the bowl for soup is sitting on the table. It will be put away… clean… un-used tonight. I’m in no mood to eat… no mood to eat “their” food. Just no mood. Matter of fact, I’d like, very much, to go to bed right now. But in about 2 hours or so, I will. – 20.19 and back in bed. I’m exhausted. Oddly, I’m not hungry… and I’ve had 2 PopTarts all day… c’est tout. (Yes, I gto to watch laFlaque and now, I’m listening to “Tout le Monde en Parle” as I type… all is well!) I got the 1412 done today. Now to figure how to get it on the computer at the PO. But that’ll have to wait until the new PM comes and takes the place… and I get a day to work… alone. Who knows? But working on it all day brought back a lot of memories… memories that are painfully in the past. Were those days “perfect”? No, pantoute. But they were HAPPY. Walking in the snow to the PO in Cragsmoor, coasting down the mountain to Walker Valley, in the darkness of the early Winter mornings, and having to stop at the brooks to get water for the radiator. Stewarts in the middle of the night. The bears in the yard and in the woods! Painfully in the past. And then… as if that wasn’t enough, finding the “dedication” to the “55 Sketches”! FUCK ME! REALLY! It’s not enough that I have to think about this shit first thing every day and last thing every night. Well… tonight the dedication and a little blurb went to social media… I typed the thing up and posted it to FB! (AND… to my pleasant surprise, I got a reply from Jaimee! Very sweet.) I’m fed-up with keeping this shit inside now. Nancy, Fran, Cindy, Silas, Eduardo W., people I did for, people I trusted… FUCKED ME! So? If it’s OK to fuck somebody and toddle off… then allow me to do my part to contribute to the cause… and if the Internet is the way? I’m on it! – Meanwhile, on “Tout le Monde en Parle”… JAMES BLUNT! WHAT AN AMAZING interview! Not only because it was bi-lingual, but because of the man’s philosophy! Just plain, simple, wonderful, inspiring and much like my own! As he said: he witnessed people killing each-other because instead of realising that we are all here with the same wish, to be happy, we choose to see each-other’s differences and for those, we justify inflicting pain and suffering on others… and killing them. AND… HE GOT HIS START IN MONTREAL!!! AND ACTUALLY SAID THAT HE LOVES QUEBEC! SO! THE SIMILARITIES ARE DEEP! – (21.10 the house is calm, I’m listening to RadioCanadaTele and suddenly, for no fucking reason… YIP! YIP! BARK! BARK! At this hour! FUCK FUCK FUCK!) – Well, to close this day of “fasting”… this evening, the bread went a bit crazy as it baked… “artisan”, as it what-ever. BUT… it baked into heart-shape! C’est tu cute, OSTIE! Anyway, I took it out of the oven and announced that it was done then went to the porch for my smoke… before laFlaque. Bob came out and asked why I didn’t eat… tonight or last night. I simply said I was having one of those periods where I’m just not hungry. I mean, why bother to get into the truth? “Truth” isn’t always necessary and here, it would do no good at all. But Lyle came up to the room, as I was watching laFlaque, to tell me that the bread turned out delicious! I told him it’s because of the “sour milk” and so, from now on, I suppose I’ll be expected to to make bread every time the milk turns. Oh well… so much for another day of shit. – I need a shower. I didn’t bother to cut hair or trim beard or file my nails or wash my clothes (because somebody put a load of wash in the machine and then took off for shopping today… I just remember hearing Bob yell up to Randy “Bring your laundry with you when you come down!” this morning. SHIT! Oh well… oh well… fuck it! – 21.26 and time to try for some sleep. If all goes well and I have the stamina… OFF ON THE BIKE TO THE CU IN THE MORNING AND THEN A COUPLE OF HOURS AT WORK! – May something just kill me off… QUICKLY AND SOON! – Mon.3.Feb: 7.07 I woke with the 5.30 alarm and stayed in bed for a while, having no particular place to go to at that hour. At about 6.00, a knock at the door (I’d put the light on shortly after waking). Lyle has been ill this morning and Bob is staying at home, presumably to be here in case Lyle needs to go any-where. No laundry for me today, I suppose. And how strange: all those years, particularly in NYC, when, on Monday, I’d be certain to look my best for the work week. Jane Street, the Sunday night bath, cleaning my finger and toe nails, beard trimmed, hair trimmed… the works. And now? Not giving a fuck one way or the other. How “not like me” I’ve become. I just don’t give a shit. And this morning, not feeling all too well my-self, hunger. And I don’t give a shit. – I suppose I might, if Lyle feels any better during the course of the morning, use the car to get to the CU to get money for “them”. But then, there might be concern that I’ll use the car and Lyle will take ill and need hospital. I don’t know. I’ll ride the morning along to see what comes of it. The thermometre on the barn reads zero this morning. I could, if I wanted, take the bike and make the run. As I say, I’ll ride the morning and see what comes along. I have to be at work at 14.00. So there’s time. Time. – I’ve put more glue on the TonyG boots this morning. The right one is mostly glue at this point. Interesting that it should be the right one… the most abused… so to speak. Oh well… oh well, indeed. – And this morning brings reminders of what’s gone… another day. – Wrapping this day up on Tuesday, the 4th… At about 11.15, Bob drove me in to the CU. I suppose, in a way, it was good that he drove. It stopped me from going and spending any money that I should spend. Still, I wouldn’t have had much time to myself anyway because all I could think of was the possibility of Lyle needing some sort of transport to some-where… in some kind of emergency or something. But it would have been nice to be able to get out and away for a while and not in the cold. – At the CU the payment of rent-due went very well! I transferred 510$ directly from my account to theirs. Bob stood right beside me all the while and when he heard the amount he asked “Is all of that for us?” I said yes and he told the teller to wait. I just looked at her and said “510$.” “What if you need some of that?” Bob asked. “I’m so used to having ‘nothing’ that this isn’t going to make any difference to me.” I replied and the transaction went through… directly from one account to another. Done. I pointed-out that there was 10$ extra for the gas. (Odd… there was not mention of all the gas that I’d already put into the car. But then, I truly don’t expect that to be noticed. I don’t expect anything I ever do, above and beyond, to be noticed.) We left, got back into the car and en route he asked if there was any place else I needed to go. I said that this was the only thing I had on my morning agenda. Then I mentioned that I still owe them 1800$ and he said “That’s not possible.” When we calculated the months due, of course it came to less. He was calculating each month at only 300$. I calculate 350 plus 50 for a few of those months for food… when I was eating. THEN he added “When you check your records, take some money off of that for all the work you did around the house and for cleaning out the barn.” I just let the matter drop right there. No, I will not “take some money off” for ANYTHING! I KNOW TOO WELL, MUCH BETTER than to do that. The work got done and I KNOW that at some time, it will be mentioned that they don’t really use the barn and that it makes no difference anyway. The matter is now dropped. – Tue.4.Feb: 10.51 This morning is passing too quickly. Interesting: I’m not looking forward to going into work today. And… the snow is starting to fall again. And… the temperature in this room is so low that my fingers are stiffening. And… the fucking dogs are barking! And… if I wasn’t in the dumps already, I certainly would be now. Faggot has just awakened and is already on the text-shit on the phone across the hall… ringer turned up full volume! I woke at 5.00, pfutzed about for a bit, took Dixie out this morning and Bob took Ellie and the little piece of shit (I shouldn’t be like that toward Chica… the poor thing… she’s actually merely a product of her faggot) out. I came back up to the room, posted to the Milestone and checked the social media until about 9.00 and then took a nap. I don’t want to be out of bed! It’s BITTER COLD IN THIS ROOM! and not conducive to being awake and doing anything. And being awake only reminds me of how depressing it is in here and how depressing this entire situation is all told. It just makes me sick! – AND… the snow is falling. Tomorrow is supposed to be terrible again. I’ll be working the after-noon today and tomorrow… with Rachel (I believe). I, personally, have nothing in the room to eat and I don’t want to go to the market next door… I suspect there’s some kind of “reporting” going on over there… you know… “Oh… he was in today and bought thus-and-such with FS!” I don’t LIKE this town! I don’t TRUST this town! But here I am for the duration… and MY FINGERS ARE GOING NUMB FROM THE COLD! – Fuck! TWO little heaters… GONE GONE GONE!!! And again today I add: Thank you SO VERY MUCH for ALL the support and help and BULL-SHIT… Cyndi, Nancy, Fran, Liz et al. You fucking selfish lying bitches! (And too, faggot TonyM… *I* don’t take responsibility for MY life? HEY! At least *I* am not and was not making somebody ELSE so miserable that they were actually planning on killing ME! AND… at least *I* didn’t forge somebody else’s signature to a legal banque note so that *I* could have a new TV whilst my children went hungry and were put at risk of losing their home. Fuck you very much indeed. – And on that note… I shall post this to the on-line, get it out of this house and on a server out there… out “there”. – OH HOW I WANT SO MUCH TO JUST BE DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! (Give me just a couple of days of temperatures above freezing… and I’ll be GONE GONE GONE! PEACE!) – – 21.34 And finally in bed. I’ve kept busy and occupied for all the day today. Even right up to almost the last minute before leaving for work! And today I SHAVED! Yesterday I filed my finger nails. Today I SHAVED! How amazing is THAT? – I had trepidations about going in to work with Rachel today but I have to say that it was AMAZING! I learnt more from her in a matter of 2 hours than I learnt from Jen in weeks! AND… I discovered that there is no animosity (or so Rachel claims) about me coming to work in the office. I even laughed today! May it be that way always. But I still have terrible anxieties about Aline… I just see her as being a whiney, pain-in-the-arse sort. I hope I’m completely wrong. – Got back to the house at about 16.40! and was greeted by Lyle saying “You’re on time for dinner.” And indeed I was… unfortunately. There were some slices of flounder that had been baked… to death, tater-thingies, tinned green beans and 3-bean salad. I would have enjoyed the 3-bean but it was snatched away before I could get a spoon into it. I had 2 pieces of the fish only because there was a piece left (after I’d taken the one small piece and a few tater-things and some tinned beans). I was NOT going to allow the fish to be thrown away! Still, I really shouldn’t have bothered to go to table in the first place. But, I did… and then came right up to the room to have a packet of oatmeal… dry, as usual. – This evening, “30 Vies” died in transmission! And it was interesting too! Typical “my life”. – I finished the Canada Penny ear-ring though! Not bad at all! Ready for wearing… Where? I’ve no idea. But it’s done. – Oh… must to add: After dinner, Lyle was trying to screw a cup-hook in under the cup-board in the kitchen and asked me to do it for him… so I did. Got it in as tightly as possible but he had to fuck with it a bit more and managed to bend it so that nothing could be hung on it. Then went looking for his pliers and couldn’t find them. Meanwhile, I rinsed some dishes, washed a pan and thought “You just couldn’t leave well-enough alone and now you’re all pissy.” Honesty? Between him and the faggot… they’re like bored women who simply insist upon making the world a miserable place! (And I keep thanking the Heavens that I’m NOT in a relationship where I have to put up with this kind of shit… although I DO… here… but not out of any “espousal” obligations.) – Meanwhile, back at the daily… down-loaded some more music and sent Mia an e-mail. Had a few good comments on the FB because of the “30 Vies” fiasco. And that, I believe, just about covers it all. – There’s precious little left in the larder to be eaten and I’m fearful I might just have to break down and “purchase” something next door! Tomorrow’s weather is expected to be quite bad, so no biking into Enosburgh! Well, typical fuck me, that. – 21.48 and faggot is antagonising the dogs. White trash. It’s no wonder I was “warned” about trash from “the Old North End”. Burlington increasingly becomes my least favourite place of all I know in this state… It’s either back to Richford soon or back to Northern NY… soon. But staying here in this town is absolutely NOT a plan. – So for now, for a bit, I’ll arrange the new down-loaded music, find the graphics and other information I want and tomorrow morning, up-load. – I’ve just had my 3rd packet of oatmeal and it’s soon time to close the day… at last. – A previous thought this evening: How terrible it is when, in life, one wakes up and immediately looks forward to the hour when one can go back to sleep… my so-called “Life”. Wed.5.Feb: 4.55 For some reason, I’m awake. I woke at 4.00, peed (in a bottle, of course) and then… BOILED water for morning coffee!!! HOT coffee this morning! How novel! Arranged the tea pot on the little table in front of the mirror, scented the bed linens in lieu of making a wash. Again, this morning, the blankets and such were a mess. There have been several mornings when I wake to a bed that looks as if there’d been a party in it all night. I’m sleeping restlessly of late. I wonder. – Last night’s DREAMS were disturbing. One in particular: Cyndi… drunk, preparing some kind of food, a dinner. We were on “speaking” terms. I was rather anxious about being there, with her. I don’t recall the whole dream but I half-woke out of it at a point where she was standing at table, across from me, she’d pulled her vagina together in a fist of 2 hands to form some sort of “penis” and was trying to pee into a salad in a bowl in front of her. When I’d calmly mentioned that she was drunk, she readily admitted so and asked me if I wanted a drink. I said I’d “love to just get blown away, blind” and she offered some sort of liquor called “Hairy Rabbit In A Hole” or something. (Psych eval would say that it was charged with sexual innuendo, but I can’t imagine why.) She reached up into a cup-board behind her where there were several bottles of liquor and told me to help myself. – There was another dream… more of a fragment than much else. I don’t recall what that one was but it too was disturbing. – A note about last night that I didn’t mention in yesterday’s entry. When I’d gone down to have my last smoke of the night, Bob and Lyle were sitting, as usual, in front of the TV… eating… rather large bowls of ice cream. Faggot was sitting where it usually sits. I mentioned something about the music I was down-loading, glanced at the movie they were watching. There was no offer to watch the movie, nor was there an offer to partake of the ice cream. I simply and quietly (as usual) went to the porch for my smoke. As I smoked I thought: it would be nice to be able to sit and enjoy a bowl of ice cream. It would be nice to be able to sit and enjoy a meal… a hot meal… with filling portions… of food not over-cooked to the point where the food sticks in the throat. It would be nice to be able to “eat” again. When I went to bed last night I was uncomfortable… because again, last night, I was hungry. – This morning, there’s a light cover of snow on the road. The “storm” was supposed to begin at 2.00 this morning. When it’s done, the forecast is for 5-8 inches of new snow. – I have music I want to edit and put on the iPod. There will be days on the bike again. There will be the day when I go HOME. – I want to back-up this Journal. There is so much that I want… before I leave. I want to leave. – 8.46 It was so cold in this room that I got back under the covers to warm my hands and went back to sleep for just over an hour. Well, there went the extra hour I thought I had today. And when, about 30 minutes ago, I went for a smoke, the “ladies” of the house were up… faggot is awake in its room, on the computer and her Ladyship is sleeping on the sofa in the living-room. I’d considered washing the bed linens this morning… only considered, and so it’s good that it was only a consideration… there’s to be no laundry done THIS morning (again). – And the snow is steadily falling… lightly, but steadily. – I had a packette of oatmeal and another HOT coffee! – 17.56 and I’m about ready for bed. The afternoon went SPLENDIDLY at work… with Rachel. She confided that Jen didn’t want her to teach me the “mark-up” mail because of “over-whelming” me. But it isn’t that difficult and as Rachel and I agreed… it’s better that I know it now, whilst I have the chance to ask questions. And so, it all went right along and we were out by just past 16.30. – We certainly got the 15cm of snow today! And probably MORE! But it’s dry, so when I shoveled (after dinner), it wasn’t all too difficult. – When I got into the house, I went right up to the room to get my gloves to go clean the snow but Bob came in shortly after and I got stuck at table for … well … for lack of anything better to call it … “dinner”. 9cm piece of kielbasa and 2 tablespoons sauerkraut. Period. Finished and I was out the door to shovel… iPod blaring. No, I am NOT doing this out of “love” any longer. I just keep remembering: “You owe us a lot of money!” But as I shoveled this evening I thought: I’ve come from a Homeless Shelter… in NYC for fux sake! There isn’t anything you can do to me that could be worse than that… than the realisation that NOBODY gives a shit about me. And for YOU to not give a shit about me doesn’t matter because, in the Greater Scheme of Creation? YOU don’t matter in my “life”. Granted, I’m in a house (freezing my fingers and toes most of the time and being jolted by your mutts and your white-trash-faggot) and not out in the cold, and not in NYC… I’m back in the North where I want to be. But that’s the extent of it. You’re doing me no favours any longer since I brought YOUR property UP to where YOU got a LOAN on the equity… and YOU have YOUR barn and storage back because of MY toil, and YOU have YOUR walks and steps cleared of snow because of MY efforts. SO! That said and accounted-for… in addition to MY concern about YOUR rent… I don’t need to “balance” accounts. And, whilst I’m at it this evening, let’s add that I’m NOT eating YOUR food… (advert on Craigslist did specify, in upper-case: FOOD NOT INCLUDED! So, 9cm of kielbasa and a few tablespoons of sauerkraut? And the 20 tater-things and the tiniest pieces of what-ever else is served? Nah… I don’t believe there are any “accounts” to be settled. – I’m burnt out this evening. That began when, after work, I wanted to get to the market to get something to EAT for tonight BUT… as I crossed in front of the house, the fucking MUTTS started in with their shit barking, which brought the faggot to the window and, well, rather than become the topic of idle shit-chat this evening about where I go and what I do and all the rest of the details, factual or phantasy of 2 old women, I simply came into the house directly. There are a few packettes of oatmeal to be had tonight. The food in the “larder” is gone then and it doesn’t look like I’ll be getting to a real market any time soon. I don’t work until Saturday now, but tomorrow I doubt the road conditions will be favourable for travel (on foot or bike), and on Saturday there’s ANOTHER forecast for MORE snow. So? So… Life is as it should be: I do no eat. – Well? In about 45 minutes (HOPEFULLY) I’ll get to watch “30 Vies”. Hopefully, shortly there-after, I’ll get to get to bed. And HOPEFULLY tomorrow morning, I’ll get to make my wash… my clothes are beginning to ripen a bit from the dust of the PO, and my socks? Well, indeed. – But the radio is on, there’s water in the bottles. Bob is “shredding” in the next room which is giving me static on the radio and the buzzing-wizzing through the wall. But you know? I WANT A FUCKING DRINK! I just want to get away from all of this! One way or another… I want to get away from ALL of THIS! (If I could make it across the border… If only I could make it across the border…) – 19.24 o “30 Vies” again tonight. The room is cold. The door is shut. I’m hungry. It’s still snowing. I’ve come to bed. It probably means that I’ll be awake at midnight or so and ready to take on another day… too damned early to “do” anything at all, but… there’s nothing else that I can think of that I should do, want to do or can do tonight. So? Get under the blankets, turn on the heating pad and hope for a solid night of sleep. Having a pakette of oatmeal. At least there’s that much to eat to stave off the hunger. I wonder what this raw oatmeal is doing to my “system” but it’s probably better that I don’t have a clue. – Other-wise… I’ll browse the social media, maybe glean some more “how to heat a small room” videos. Rachel told me about a method using tea-lights and terracotta flower pots. Yes, apparently, it can be done: 4 tea-lights and 2 pots. The theory is: the tea-lights heat the pots and the pots radiate the heat. Allegedly, it works. Well… now all I have to do is get to the tea lights… but that, of course, means getting cash, which means biking into St. Albans which would be where I’d get the tea lights. So… I’ll have to check the weather, see when this will be feasible. Meanwhile? Meanwhile… it’s all a matter of watching the minutes click by and hoping for a sleep-filled night tonight. AND… hoping for a wash-day tomorrow. Not a happy time, to be sure. – 21.40 I can’t believe I actually filled these 2 hours! Social media and shit. And now I’m freezing my balls half to prunes, I’ve eaten TWO packettes of raw oatmeal, 2 teaspoons of chocolate powder drink mix stuff and I’m hungry! The house has gone all quiet and I might want a smoke but, unlike the “Old North End” white trash faggot, I will NOT disturb the house-hold as I meander about. So… it’s time for lights out! All told though, the social media experience was rather fun and pleasant. – The snow has stopped falling. May the roads clear enough so that I can get the fuck out of here during the day tomorrow!!!!! Thu.6.Feb:
(Sunday, 15 April 2018: 13.11 - As I re-code these pages from the blog on WordPress to the "Journal-site" I come across these photos & see the proof: One year, from Richford to Franklin, both in Vermont... This shit-hole cess-pool actually sucks the very life-essence out of a human body. More recent photos are much, MUCH worse. Vermont is actuallly killing me.) 5.50 Been up from since about 5.10. Lights out last night at about 22.00 or a bit later. I can’t believe I managed to fill in all that time (from 19.30 when I “gave up” and got into bed). – Anyway, the house is still really too quiet this morning. But of course it is!!!! I had this morning planned!!!!! Bob will leave, I will have my smoke and another coffee… I will go to the market to get food… I will come back and finally get to wash my clothes then wash my bed linens. And then I will do fuck-all with the rest of the day. But NO! I’m CERTAIN that SOMETHING or SOMEBODY will HAVE to come along and FUCK ME and FUCK the plans and FUCK the BLOODY-FUCKING-FUCK-ALL DAY! Indeed! (Of course, it will all begin with this shit lap-top.. but that’s another story.) – I think I smell the coffee on down-stairs. How charming. But I warmed the water for my coffee this morning. Didn’t wait for it to come to the boil because I wanted coffee right away. Still, it wasn’t cold. But what I need now is a mug that will handle the boiling water. I did get one when I got the tea-kettle… I’ll have to start using it. – I have 2 lampes on this morning… trying to put even a little warmth to the air. Maybe at some point during the day I’ll have me a look-see in the barn for some terracotta pots. I know I won’t find candles or tea-lights but… we’ll see what we can work with out there to put even a degree or 2 of warmth in this room. I’m tired of all this being cold shit! (Next? That little piece of shit across the hall… no harm, just silence… and its little faggot too…) – 6.05 and the dogs are running about the house and the mayhem has begun! Let’s see just how much shit will follow… like her Ladyship removing to inhabit the parlour for the morning until such time when she again retires to the upper chambre, thence to her boudoir. BLOODY FUCK FAGGOTS! – 8.00 Just waking.. again. Have decided to wait until the “business” people in town get to the market. I’ll go, get what I need. Do the wash after that. I’ll ask for permission this morning, if need be. Let’s try this approach and see what comes of it. Meanwhile, I’ve just come up from a smoke. The thermometre on the barn reads minus 20°F again this morning and the road is covered in snow. So too, the front porch. We had quite a bit of snow during the night. – Odd… but the thought of going to the market makes me physically ill. How I’d truly love to be able to get to Richford today. But that’s not going to happen. – Oh well… another day… here. – 10.27 To the market… 15$ on nothing! A bag of frank rolls, jar of peanut butter, box of PopTarts, box of oatmeal, bottle of tonic. What a total fuck! But managed to get it into the room, undetected! Her Ladyship was just in the loo… and back into the boudoir, door slightly closed. Faggot still asleep. But Ellie the Useless had to bark when I came from putting the clothes into the washer. And now, I am trying to swallow my second frank roll with peanut butter… it sticks in the chest from eating it too quickly… dry. Hopefully I’ll get he bed linens done today as well. But you know? As things go here, I depend on nothing! – Bill was running the store this morning. He pays careful attention to the card balance. nosey butt-licker. How I DO hate this little bigoted, xenophobic town. – I’m quite pale this morning… unusually so. Malnourishment? Starvation? Oh perhaps. Do I give a shit? Pantoute. – And so, we’re off an running into a day that I dread… being in this walk-in cooler all day, if I’m lucky, and having to, no doubt, in some way, deal with the “ladies of the house”. – And the road is still covered in snow. Speaking of which, I have 4 jars of snow to melt for the plants. The tap water seems to have a terrible affect on them. And to think: this is what I drink with coffee. Well, can’t be any worse than the water in The Shelter. Eh? – 11.41 and the washing is done! The clothes are dry. The bed linens are in until about noon. Her Ladyship told the faggot that Bob rang to say ‘Don’t go out any more than necessary because it’s bitter cold out.’ Right. Imagine that. – 13.07 DONE DONE DONE! LAUNDRY’S DONE DONE DONE! And I made HOT oatmeal, with sugar and creamer AND I had HOT coffee! OK! MY day is DONE DONE DONE. – The sun is shining, the sky is clear as can be and the temperature out there is a bitter-crisp as it can be. I’ve had the door open this morning and it’s only “chilly” in the room. So I suppose it’s been a “good” morning. (But the day isn’t over yet…) – 20.29 SHOWERED! IN BED! FRESH LINENS! FRESH PYJAMAS! The floor’s a mess. But hey! We can’t have everything. And tonight I ate a “dinner”. It happened. There was food. I partook. Was it “enough”? Not truly. But was it MORE than I’ve eaten in, oh, say, over a month? Probably. And the back paths got shoveled. So too, the front porch. I went to the barn to find some terracotta pots but… none large enough. Oh well. I probably won’t get near a store that has tea-lights anyway. And even if I do, I won’t get to the CU to get the cash. Not at the rate the weather forecast is going for… cold… cold… snow… cold… snow… snow… snow… cold. – But tonight I’m CLEAN… I’m HUMAN… AND… I GOT TO WATCH “30 VIES”! So, the day is well and I am too. And in just moments from now, I will put out the light, hope for sleep. (I reversed the heat pad on the mattress so that the bulk of the heat is on the feet where I tend to need it more… hopefully it will be better for sleep?) Fri.7.Feb: 7.46 Up at 5.00 back to sleep at 6.45 until 7.30. And I want to go back to sleep again. Just realised this morning that my food intake is lacking dairy… and meat. Is it any wonder that I’m feeling so out of sorts of late? Who cares? Why bother thinking about it? – 10.48 Well… IT’S OFFICIAL: I HAVE THE KEY TO THE OFFICE. Just back from going to get them. Didn’t spend much time with Jen this morning… I can’t forget the accusation of spending “over and hour” in the office before. Things said never go away. But, as of today, I’m feeling “Hired”. – I’m also feeling a bit like shit. Just run-down. AND JOLLY-JOY! IT’S SNOWING AGAIN. This snow is forecast for the next week… non-stop. Well… it IS the “North Country”. But I NEED to do SOMETHING to WARM this room! I just can’t seem to find anything, and I’ve been to the barn a couple of times already. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get the car after work… no… that won’t do me any good. The CU closes at 12.30. I’d need to get out of work and into the car and over there. Well… And next week I have several days of work. Nope. Not happening. Oh well. Oh well. Oh well. – 22.46 I should be in bed and should be asleep… but… BUT… Sat.8.Feb: 6.47 This morning has passed quickly! I’d really like to go back to sleep, but… I did get something accomplished though. Music to the iPod. Music takes precedence over all… as it always has done. The house is quiet. I was up at 5.45. My brain just isn’t functioning properly though. Too pre-occupied with going in to work this morning with somebody whom I’ve never really met, never really worked with. I shouldn’t be anxious at all. After all, Aline is newer to this office than I am. But, I worry about the personality conflicts and such. It’s stupid, when I think about it rationally. Still, there are those anxieties. That, and I wonder if I’ll be able to run things smoothly this morning. Fuck it. I’m still on “Training”… I have the rest of the week to come. – I need to get to some cash too! That’s not going to happen… not in the foreseeable future. – Oh well. 6.51. Time to get me on the road. – 12.35 It was a delightful day! And oddly… or not… Aline had to wait for ME to open the office… She doesn’t have the key! But… the mail was rather light. Aline cased. I expected her to have all sorts of “paper work” to do but she took the mail as I broke it down and she went right to casing! The day went right along and the 4 hours flew by. I even had a moment to straighten things up a bit! We’re not doing TOO much though, since the office hasn’t technically been turned over to us. The really GREAT thing is that she’s very much like Kathy: orderly! I like that. And she too wants paper trails of everything. So I’m comfortable with that. Of course, we’ll see, as time goes on, just how much or little she’ll be like “my old days”. But there’s time. – Speaking of which, they’ve already pulled a whole day away from me. I was supposed to work Tuesday next, but it seems they’ll be turning the office over then and there’s no need for me to be there. So, I’ll have to hope for better hours in weeks to come. Right now, I’m down to 21 for the pay period and even at 12$, that’s not going to make things good for me. Still, I’m hoping for some fair weather in the next few days (fat fucking chance) so I can get to Richford and maybe in to St. Albans to the CU… short on cash because… After work, I went directly to the “Chor Bazzar” and got 2 packs of smokes. Deb was at the counter, addressed me quite politely. I don’t like her… I don’t much like anything or anybody in this town. But… I got what I wanted. I need food… something to eat. Even on FS it kills me to spend over there. But my chances of getting to a real market are… slim-to-none. So I’ll have to wait. – John came by round noon. He’s only just left. 45 minutes. Hmmmpf. Oh well. – Bob asked if I’d go with the 3 of them to BTV this evening to “celebrate” Lyle’s birthday on the 11th. I don’t want to go! So I’ll have to figure something out to get out of that. – Meanwhile? I’ve a nap in the plans for today. I’m just waiting for some warmth to come into the room and then… snooze! It’s overcast, chilly and Saturday. I want and will take a snooze… and then Hoover the floor! – 22.58 And the floor is still a mess. “Dinner” this evening: 2 chicken patties with a few tablespoons of baked beans. There were 2 patties left on the tray… Lyle devoured them… along with the 3 he’d had at meal… in a bun with lettuce, tomato and onion. I came immediately to the room, peanut butter with sugar on a frank roll.. and another just now before getting into bed… with a cup of NightyNight tea at bed-side… in boiled water. – No one went to BTV today… they ALL slept! Imagine that! Hopefully they’ll ALL go tomorrow and I can get this room cleaned. Why? I don’t much know and can’t be bothered to contemplate. – It’s COLD in this room again tonight! C.O.L.D.!!! And the icicles are re-forming from the roof outside the window. Alas… – HOWEVER…
Sun.9.Feb: 9.02 Up at about 7.00. – It’ been snowing. Had a smoke with Bob at about 7.30. Changed DA blog. Tired. Hungry. Gaseous! Almost painful bloating. Should have gotten food this morning. Oh well. No word fm VL.- 20.58 They went to dinner. I told them I wanted to stay here in case Viv rang. True, that. And they all but stormed out the door. Oh well. Fuck it-them. Meanwhile, I stayed in, had boots and 10z and enjoyed. Worked on the DA blog most of the day. Popped to the market for something to eat. (Odd… nobody’s mentioned whether or not I ate all day… I suppose they take it for granted that I simply don’t. I’ll never understand that: I do work around this place but nobody ever wonders how… since I don’t eat much, particularly when they’re about. That’s what we call “consideration” and that’s part of what will make the leaving this place on my own terms that much easier… May that day be SOON!) – They returned, didn’t bother to say anything save a quick stop-by by Bob who asked if Viv called. And just moments ago I went down for a smoke and Lyle is lounging (imagine that) watching a Beatles special on the TV. He did, how-ever, tell me that I was welcome to sit and watch. But right now the room is getting colder and I’m all but ready for bed. – No, no call from Viv today. I wonder… – And I did have something to eat: I actually MADE the Ramen noodles tonight.. with boiling water! WOAH! 1 package, but it’s more than I’ve had in a while, and it was HOT, and I actually had the time to taste and almost enjoy. – The week-end is over. I don’t go back to work until Thursday unless Aline rings. I’ll be ready, just in case. But I believe she wont be in the office until Tuesday at the earliest anyway. I don’t know for certain. But… – Bob has Thursday through Monday off coming. 4 days… It should be interesting. And Tuesday is Lyle’s 64th birthday. I wonder how that will play out. Especially since I’m not much of one for those sorts of things. I don’t really give a fuck, to be quite honest. – So, right now, it’s time to curl up under a warm blanket, work a bit more on the DA blog. I’d like to get it into “book” format. I’ve already changed the “theme” so… Off we go! The next great adventure… before I die. – 22.16 45 MINUTES OF THAT PIECE OF SHIT ACROSS THE HALL GROWLING AND YIPPING!!! 45 MINUTES OF THIS SHIT!!! AND NOT ONE FUCKING THING IS BEING DONE TO STOP OR CORRECT IT! 45 MINUTES OF IT! SERIOUSLY? BULL-BLOODY-FUCKING-SHIT!!! TIME TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!! SERIOUSLY! – Mon.10.Feb: 8.25 It’s already been a “productive” morning of sorts. 10,000 Maniacs recovered 5 tunes. But they’re the 5 I liked most. – The bloody growling of last night stopped round-about 22.25 and I went down for a final smoke. Came back up ripping pissed. The fucking faggot, drunk again, pictures of the sordid shit on FB! Really? Bugger-all anyway! Nice to be able to sit about getting fatter and lazier and drunk and annoying everybody else around. And my rather last thought of the day was Bob, having said, when the faggot came to stay (and it was said about ME!): “I was in the service so I’m used to being around other people. He’ll have to get used to it.” He didn’t mean it in a negative sense, but SHIT! ME? I have to get used to being around other people? I came from a bloody Homeless shelter, you moron! Obviously, it’s not ME who needs a lesson in “Social Consideration” here. Rather, your little white-trash butt-hole fuck-fest faggot from the “Old North End”… Well, I was told about them… and here “they” are. And the rumours seem to be true… thus far and here. – ANYWAY… THIS morning, I was about to remove a plastic flower pot that’s been in the room for the longest while, and in it, a black, plastic bag that I thought had either nothing at all in it or some twine… WELL! LO! and BEHOLD! THE SOLDER! AND THE ELECTRIC TAPE! I’d wanted the solder for the penny ear-ring (and only just yesterday was concerned because of the solder for the 10z) and it’s been here all along! Yes, yet another brainfuk on my part. See? Some-how I KNEW I hadn’t thrown it out, and indeed, here it’s been all along! So, a “good” morning… thus far. – And when I went for my morning smoke, faggot was awake… all smiley. Fuckall! Really. Oh well… there’s just no sense in even approaching the issue. It does no good. I’m just convinced that there’s something “wrong” with the 2 of them… something… wrong… so wrong that addressing issues is, well, useless. – COLD in here again this morning. My fingers are getting stiff from the cold. And.. it’s snowing… lightly… but it’s snowing. I look forward to the day when it rains… – Speaking of which: I need to get into the CU with-in the next 3 days! So it’s time to check the météo,,, -8 and -3 for tomorrow and Wednesday, with sun… -10 at the moment (but according to the report, the sun is shining, and according to the view out my window, it’s light snow?). NOAA, ion the other “tab” predicts only -15 and -8 for tomorrow and Wednesday… snow tomorrow… and that’s allegedly for Richford, which is in the opposite direction from St. Albans. – 8.58 E-MAIL FROM LORTS! JUST REPLYING!!!! – 21.37 and almost 3 HOURS CHATTING ON THE MESSENGER WITH VIV!!! Tue.11.Feb: 6.58 The alarm sounded. I drifted back to sleep. Just woke, had coffee. Went for a smoke. The house is awake. And I feel like total shit for some reason. Bloated. Thermometre on the barn reads -18°F and the windows are frosted again this morning. But I’m still rather in AWE about last night and chatting with VIV! – Getting to work on the DA Journal right away this morning. – It was a difficult sleep night, last. – And today is Lyle’s birthday. – 13.49 Just back into re-vamping the DA Journal. There’s SO MUCH WORK to be done on it to get it into any sort of “order”! So much is all over the place… just like I was as it was being built and created. The memories of passing time in the libraries of NYC, the trains and buses from boro to boro… And today, in this bitterly cold room, it’s being “cleaned”… “tidied”. – And all the while I’ve been at it, the fucking DOGS BARKING! And I keep thinking: I’VE BEEN IN THE MIND-SET AND MOOD AND SPIRIT TO PAINT, SKETCH, DRAW, MAKE ART… AND I CAN’T!!! I CAN’T POSSIBLY PUT ANY COLOUR OR GRAPHITE TO ANY SURFACE!!! I’D GET INTO SOMETHING AND THERE’D BE A COMPLETELY UN-NECESSARY BARK OR YIP AND MY HAND WOULD JOLT AND PAPER WOULD BE DESTROYED… PAINT WOULD BE WASTED… THERE’S JUST NO SENSE TO ANY OF THIS SHIT… NOT ONE BIT!!! I TRULY MUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE IF I’M EVER TO CREATE ANYTHING EVER AGAIN!!!!! – And I’m always so tired… TIRED!!! Probably from HYPOTHERMIA! FUCK! IT’S COLD IN THIS ROOM AND THE DOOR IS OPEN AND THE PELLETS ARE RUNNING OUT AND HOPEFULLY THIS WILL CHANGE WHEN THE OIL HAS TO BE USED… HOPEFULLY!!!!! – I smell “dinner” cooking already. I just wish THAT shit could be by-passed but this evening, I suppose I must attend… Lyle’s b’day and all. OH JUST FUCK ME NOW! – 22.26 Finally under the blankets! Warmth! Spent the entire day in the room, freezing half to death with the occasional trip to the freezing porch for a smoke. Got “invited” to dine this evening. Goulash… which was actually nothing more than elbow macaroni with burger meat, precious little sauce and some spices. I had TWO servings because, well, there was SO much made that there’s left-overs enough to another entire meal and THEN another pan, in the freezer, which would easily serve 6. BUT… hey, I know my place in this house-hold and I don’t “force” my way out of that place. – To think I gave all of my last pay-cheque over when I SHOULD be looking for a damned CAR! And to think I put MORE than my share of gas into “their” car when I used it. And to think Bob would actually suggest that I decrease my debt to them by the work I did round the house over the Summer. OH! To think! Nah… Don’t much give a shit these days. Counting them down… and out. – But the GREAT news of THIS day is that I managed to get into ALL of the “Photobucket” accounts and pull copies of ALL the images… SO many of Tilden and the beach and the dunes! Even photos of the Bainbridge Garden wall! And photos of the schematics of the bunkers. The “Opus” GIFs made at CTN. And of course, reminders of things now gone. THAT still causes physical pain with all the anger and bitterness that lays quietly in my cell structure. Honestly… I’ve come to catagorise Cyndi and Nancy and the others along with the “Onco-gene”… I know it’s in my structure… in both respects. I’ll just continue to grow increasingly bitter as time goes along until the bitterness does me in… and then I’ll carry it on into the Infinity of Eternity… and make it part of the Energy that is Creation. – And moving along… no word from Viv this evening. I don’t know… I shouldn’t expect much in the way of “communications” now. She and I have this thing about “Trust” and I can guess that she’s thinking some of what I’m thinking and that will create and keep some distance and silence. It doesn’t matter to me. She’s still THE most important person to me, as she’s been all these years. What she does is what she chooses and that’s fine with me. It would be a delight to see her again (in spite of the fact that I look like total shit these days… scrawny and old and OH so grey-pale). Maybe one of these days… – Got more work on the DA Journal done today as well. Graphics, page arrangements and the likes. There’s A LOT OF WORK to be done on it… but when it’s finished, it’ll be ready to print… or at least to read as a book. What-ever. I don’t think I’m going to take this one down and publish it. I want this to be available to ALL… for as long as these “blogs” run and the Internet continues to grow. – And so… now that the flatulence is kicking in again and it’s really become quite horrid of late (gee, I wonder why… could it be the “shit” I’m eating of late? like almost finishing a bottle of chocolate syrup… twice in oatmeal and straight from the bottle other-wise.). And I’m really quite hungry and there’s nothing to nibble on or nosh. (Faggot made one of those pudding cakes for Lyle’s birthday… I wasn’t invited to partake of that… OH… and then, at about 20.00, faggot commandeered the shower for the usual close-to-an-hour… lord only knows why it takes that thing so long in there… there’s really no difference save the odour of shit-and-shampoo when the door finally opens… I’d wanted to shower before bed tonight, after having to wear a damned touque all bloody day… IN THE ROOM for fux sake). – I’m rambling now. Cold. Tired. Hungry. Rambling. And the windows have all gone back to being frosted… rather heavily. Bloody shit! I wanted to get into St. Albans tomorrow… Not happening. No money… smokes… food. But tomorrow I MUST wake to put the trash in the barrel… Why? Don’t know really. Just seems a good idea. And then… WORK ON THURSDAY AND OUT OF THIS SHIT-HOLE FOR 2,5 DAYS! JOY! JOY! JOY! – NOW… lights out and try for the escape to sleep until… Wed.12.Feb:20.49 and for the SECOND NIGHT IN A ROW I have to wait for the bloody shower because… faggot decided to take the damned thing! Will sit about the house all bloody day, doing fuck-all and at night, when WORKING people would like to bathe… THEN we decide to get in there… for AN HOUR! I mean, it does nothing, goes no-where… and no matter what the hell goes on in there, nothing “improves”. And the list of “Reasons To Get The Fuck Out” goes on. OH! And after being in there for an hour, it now comes out, goes into the room and tells Dixie that it’s going to pee! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? – OK. So I’m tired, hungry and cold… again. Still… this shit is just TOO bloody fucking MUCH! – The day? Well, the DA Journal is looking quite nice. Orderly. There’s a shit-load more to be done. MANY “comments” that have to be sorted out. But the basic and general lay-out is much neater. I’m rather happy with the new “theme”. A few tweaks on the “graphics” and the “Home” page will be fine. I spend all day working on the texts. In fact, I wanted to get to the market to get something to eat for tonight and worked right through until Bob got in. We had dinner. I had 2 franks with mashed potato on… reminiscent of Sarge’s deli. Not even nearly close to THE franks of the Dakota days. But it was the “thought”. THEN, much to my utter amazement, Lyle actually offered me a THIRD! Which I accepted and ate… plain. But imagine being OFFERED more FOOD! Well! I NEVER.. and that’s pretty close to factual. – This morning I woke at 5.00 and stayed in the warmth of the bed until almost 6.25. Woke to a bloody nose! Over night my nose must have bled (probably from the bitter cold in the room) and had dried just at the edge of the left nostril! What a rude awakening, that. But I “cleaned” it off, had my hot coffee (YAY!) and went for a smoke. Bob and faggot actually brought the garbage out this morning. Me? Nope. Didn’t bother. It’ll be another 2 weeks before that goes. Like I give a shit, which I do not. – All day it was BITTER BITTER BITTER COLD in the room! Faggot mentioned to me that it had slept on the back porch of the house in BTV “there were so many people in the house”. Yup: Old North End White Trash. The more I learn, the less I like and the more I understand. And then there’s the “Bob and Lyle” aspect… they console this and condone the behaviours. Well, I suppose… I don’t really give a shit. I just don’t because (a) I don’t and (b) I simply can’t. Why bother? Just keep in mind that I need to put this too, behind me… soon… as soon as is humanly possible. – There was mention of getting ore pellets for the stove this week… along with them getting new tyres for the car. I DO hope they don’t plan on my income covering all of those expenses. I’m thinking in terms of busing to MTL one day, soon. Not to mention the fact that the only way they’ll be getting any money is if I can get into St. Albans… and tomorrow there’s another WINTER STORM coming! Isn’t THAT special? Fuck me! I need money and I need FOOD! I need to get on the bike and get the fuck out of town. But money is in one direction… food could be in that direction but… And of course, this is the week where, for the next 3 days, work the full shifts and the CU closes on Saturday when I close the PO. Everything will be closed Sunday AND Monday. The hard times, they are a-comin’. But her Ladyship has an MD appointment tomorrow so MAYBE I’ll be able to sneak out and to the market for food then. Either that, or I’ll do so in the morning before going to work… or when I get off for lunch… IF I can sneak across the front of the house at 11.30 with-out the fucking dogs howling at me! We shall see – AN E-MAIL FROM VIV THIS MORNING!!! AND I DIDN’T GET TO SEE IT UNTIL THIS EVENING! BUT… AN E-MAIL FROM VIV! It just made my entire day… and it’s even taking the edge off this evening now. She has no idea just how much it means to me to know that she’s OK. I’d so much love to see her again… just to give her a HUGE HUG! She makes all the difference in the WORLD to me and my existence. She truly does. These years have been tough… on both of us, no doubt. I hope I can make the time to come a bit better, happier, easier for her. Just communicating with her now is making my time so much better. – Anyway, it’s 21.09 now and it seems the floor is cleared and I can head into the shower. It’s not that I “MUST” shower, but I’d like to get a scrub in before bed so all I’ll need is a “rinse” in the morning before work. I don’t even know what I’ll wear tomorrow. But I’m sure I’ll find something. After all… it’s not “formal” over there and I certainly don’t want to look too much “above” the rest of the town. (Not that I truly give a shit one way or the other anyway.) – And tonight I’m going to get this posted to the on-line Journal. I’m several days behind in that respect. Too much “Journalling” and such. But what a record of my time on Earth there will be when it’s all done. Hey! How many people told me, over the years “You should write a book.” Well? Looks like I’m right on that. – 22.14 FINALLY IN BED AND SHOWERED!!! HOT TEA AT BED-SIDE! WARM FROM THE HOT SHOWER. Blood circulating through the fingers is quite the experience! Yes I do believe it is as I just read yesterday, that I’ve suffered through clinical hypothermia over these past several weeks… many times, as a matter of fact. But WTF, eh? Nobody gives a shit, so why should I? – Spent the better part of 45 minutes trying to find whether or not I can catch a bus from St. Albans to MTL. Had to send the fuckers at Greyhound an e-mail! And they don’t even have one of those direct contact forms! Talk about arse-holes! It would be nice if I can get there from here. But I’m not counting on it. Probably have to rely on Craigslist… and I just might, at that. Hell, 3-day week-end (for others… for me it’s 2… guaranteed… hopefully not longer) coming. Although, not in Québec. But I’m not thinking about this week-end anyway. Bad weather coming in and all. – So for now, I’ll get these days posted on-line and sip my night-time tea and hope like hell I get to sleep and wake up on time in the morning. – WOW! Am I hungry right now… and would so much like a smoke! – 23.02 OK. This is the shit… but WELL WORTH THE LATENESS!!! Just posted an e-mail to Viv!!! AND INSTALLED SKYPE ON THE PHONE AND SHE HAS IT TOO AND.. HEY HEY HEY!!! IT’S WONDERFUL HAVING HER BACK!!! THU.13.FEB: It was a full day at work today. And what a JOY it is to be working with Aline! Truly! I just can’t believe it fully. She’s SO very much like Kathy that it’s almost frightening! The paper-work and all the rest. She also told me not to worry too much about needing some extra time to close at end of day because, according to time sheets, Jen’s been taking 7-hour days in stead of the 6,5! SO much has been going on in that office that others didn’t know about and that haven’t been addressed. ANYWAY… it’s actually a pleasure to work there these days… especially since it’s all almost a flash-back to the “good days” at Walker Valley! I put in a full day and felt great when leaving. It’s a relief to be back at a job.. it’s a joy to be back with the PO and it’s amazingly wonderful to work with Aline! – This evening, I joined the house for dinner this evening and after, go on SKYPE with VIV! 6 HOURS, 30 MINUTES AND 57 SECONDS!!! AND… IT WAS AS IF NO TIME HAD PASSED… the years were just … moments. They say that that’s the sign of true “Friends”. I hope so. – When I finally got to see her (since the visual was rather dark) I can tell that she too has aged. She mentioned something, as we talked about passports and such about 1958. I was wondering… I thought there was about 3 years difference between us and indeed, there is. So, she is now 56. Imagine? In my mind and heart, we will always be the folks we were… back in the 1980’s. Yes, she’s a bit older now… but she’s still… “VIV” and, in my mind and heart, she always will be. – And so we talked all into the night… until round about mid-night. And I am NOT complaining. I’m rather THRILLED! – These are the days when I should be rejoicing: the job is good, and VIV is back. But, I’ve learnt from “Life”… the good comes and with it… something to balance it out… there will be something miserable to come. That is the way it works. But for now? I am enjoying it. – Oh… and I got my pay advice today. Although it came to much more than the 189, or even 289 that I’d expected, indeed, it wasn’t all the best. But at least it’s better than the nothing that I was bringing in! However, I can imagine that it’s not going to make her Ladyship very happy. (I doubt her Ladyfuckingship even knows about the amount I paid last pay-day! Fuck! 510$ out of 599.) And this week? Well… the funny part is: I have to work tomorrow, all day. So I won’t be able to get to the CU to get cash. Not only that, but the weather is supposed to be nasty and Bob wants to take the car into St. Albans for new tyres at 14.00 so he’ll be gone when I’m free at lunch. So! Not only do *I* not get my money… and I need some… but THEY don’t get money… And on Saturday, the CU closes at noon and I’m “solo” until 11.30. Oh well… OH! Add… MONDAY is a HOLIDAY! I don’t work BUT… neither does the CU! Yes, it’s going to be tough for me… but fuck it all… I have no control over any of it. – And so, I close this entry with… Fri. 14.Feb: 80 fucking cents off on the deposit at work! – Full day at work and nothing but SNOW SNOW SNOW…. ALL DAY! SERIOUSLY… ALL DAY! It’s quite the sight. JUST when we think that things are about to thaw… BANG! IT’S ALL BACK AGAIN… just as if Winter was coming instead of leaving. – When I got out for “lunch”, the 3 of them were gone so I actually had the chance to have hot coffee (thank goodness for that kettle!) and even to take a 20-minute nap! – Went back, through all the snow, to finish the day. – As for the day? First thing this morning, Aline tells me that that banque reported a discrepancy in my deposit… of the 3rd Feb!!! FIFTY-EIGHT FUCKING DOLLARS!!! SHORT!!!!! When I got back to the house for the break, it suddenly hit me: FUCK ME! DIANE OLSEN ACCUSES ME OF EMBEZZLEMENT AND THIS FUCKING DEPOSIT IS SHORT! FUCK ME! THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO TO CHANGE FATE AND I’M SO FUCKED AGAIN! I told Aline that I’m sure the cheques went into the deposit (it was cheques that were missing), but that they weren’t banded or attached and that I’d bet they’re in the bloody bag. Well, because of the snow, Aline stayed at the office and actually stayed on the phone to rectify… When I returned… she told me that the bloody banque found the fucking cheques and that the trouble was only that I’d written the numbers in the total incorrectly. So, as it turns out… we’re OVER by the difference. Oh, this is just going all wrong. But what did I expect? Of course it is!- Anyway… I left for the noon break and they were gone already… in the snow, in the “storm”, to get tyres for the car. So I had the house, and even time for a nap and went back a bit early to learn that Aline had taken care of the whole situation… I was semi-relieved because she actually did report that the “norm” for the office WAS not to bundle the documents. BUT… of course, it HAD to be reported and so, it was. Now I have THAT to deal with. Oh well… the rest of the day went along fine enough. – OH! I forgot to mention… Kathleen, from the library, came in and we got to talking about books and I mentioned “Midnight In The Garden of Good and Evil”. I especially wanted to find the context of the statement about people dying with hate for someone… It would be nice to have the context but that book is now gone (thank you fucking Lloyd!). Anyway, Kathleen told me that she could inter-library it if they didn’t have it and sure as all… moments after she left, she rang… she had it, put it aside for me! I went on my break to get it! I HAVE SOMETHING TO READ BEFORE SLEEP NOW! AND A BOOK I ACTUALLY LOVE! IMAGINE THAT! – SO… when I get back to the house after work this evening… and “they” return… with the new tyres, I notice they’d gone shopping… again. Teddy bears and about 6 HUGE bags of M&Ms! Fuck all! And this evening, Bob made certain to tell me that they’d spent 700$ on the bloody car. So? What the fuck do you expect me to DO about that? 700$? On the car? Or 500 on the car and 200 on shit? Well, there’s nothing that can be done about it because (a) I didn’t make all that much this pay, (b) the money is in the banque, (c) I have no way of getting to said banque, (d) I don’t have a debit card because I’m giving YOU all of my income and I can’t pay-off the debt to TD, (e) even if I had the way to get to the bacnque, tomorrow I have to work the same hours as the CU so it will be closed when I get out of work and (f) fuck-all… Monday is a holiday. So? So. – So tomorrow, I’m solo. Jen is supposed to come in for some “business” and Shedrick is supposed to come by. But THE NEWS: Aline phone to tell me to make certain that Jen isn’t allowed behind the counter because she’s no longer an employee and that Cindy will probably be keep tabs. If I let Jen back behind the counter, Cindy can come in immediately and fire me! Aline’s watching out for me! I’m in awe! Truly! And More grateful than I can tell. – OH! AND WILL THE WONDERS NEVER CEASE AROUND HERE? This evening, Bob called up to me for dinner but I took my time getting me together to go down (as usual). But suddenly… LYLE SHOWED AT THE DOOR WITH A BLT ON BAGEL!!! I mean… he actually BROUGHT the plate with the food on it… to the door of the room! I wonder why the fuck he did that. I should simply be grateful, but I can’t. I don’t trust anybody these days… and especially not in the house… and I most certainly don’t trust a kindness or a kind gesture. Fucked-up as it may seem… it’s the truth. When somebody is being “kind”… I KNOW there’s malice in it some-where. The moment will come and I will PAY dearly for this action. But I ate the sandwich… primarily because I was starving. The bacon was micro’ed and was tough. And it was cold. So it had been made before or it was left-overs. Either way… I don’t trust the kindness. – AND WE WRAP THE DAY UP WITH VIV UNTIL MIDNIGHT AGAIN! And in spite of the fact that I’ll be wasted in the morning… SAT: 15 Feb: 6.12 woke at 5.00 alarm. Put it off. Waited until 5.30 alarm and again this morning, slept through that one! – 6.47 and I’ve had my smoke. Have to shit. Have to shower and have to be at the office at 7.15. More snow in the forecast. Ah… Winter will not let go! – Solo today… on a Saturday. May the weather keep then Natives at home. I’m exhausted. – 13.43 JUST sitting down at the “desk” to 2 rolls with peanut-butter and choco syrup. I made it to the office by 7.15 to shovel and get everything together! So there was a great beginning…. The mail wasn’t at all heavy and Sue was a sweet-heart… helping in every way she could! The mail was cased and done by 9.30! – 18.21 laid down at about 15.00, set the alarm for 16.00… just woke up about 20 minutes ago… sick as shit. Bad stomach, bit of a head-ache. But slept deeply. Viv is and was on Skype. And I just want to shit and vomit. I don’t have time for the flu. And I’m certainly not in a place where it would be convenient. This sux the big one. – Maybe it’s just the 58 cents off on the 1412. I can only just hope. – The crack in my right thumb is truly painful right now too. – But just back from a smoke. Bob came up to wake me earlier. I just couldn’t get the strength to get up. Then, when I woke, he came up to get me for dinner. I declined. However, when I went down for a smoke, Lyle and fag were cleaning the table (a Stouffers lasagna) and Lyle looked at me rather pissy and asked “Do you want some dinner?” I simply said “No….” and went for my smoke. Hey… even if I had wanted to eat, that was enough to turn my stomach… which is already sour. I would NEVER inconvenience.., I mean… really. – So Viv and I were on Skype for a while earlier… text only. It truly is good to be back in touch with her. She was on the phone with Gaetan, giving directions to some house in St-Hubert (ah…where I first stopped to get gas on the first trip to Montréal, and marvelled when they gave me a blue 5$ bill for change on my purchase,… and a pink 2$! And Liz and Mary laughed: “It’s Canadian. Did you expect American?” How the world does turn round. – And today, I did run the office alone. I got there at jut about 7.15, brought in the mail, set the office up. At 7.30, Sue came in and did the flats and such as I did the letters. By 9.30 the place was in order. Jen came in at about 10.00 or so, did her own business, took her box and left… quietly. She’s rather hateful, I think. But at least it all went with-out a glitch. And Cindy never phoned, nor did she come by. OK. I appreciate that she didn’t come, but at the same time, I wonder… Is it a case of “sink or swim”? Is she looking for something to go wrong whilst I’m on “Probation”? I don’t know. – I made a terrible mistake: I kept thinking that the office closed at 11.30 and I had until noon to finish my paper-work… but it was that the office closed at 11.00 and I closed my work at 11.30. Well, I rang Aline and she rather laughed, told me to give me the extra 30 minutes. Well, the paper-work was going well until the end and as it turns out… I’m short… 58 cents! Aline told me to just leave it until Tuesday. (I probably will because I don’t want to be on Postal property unless required to be so… If this was Walker Valley, I’d be in there tomorrow to fix the work. But it all goes on the computer now and there’s no way I’m going to let THAT be recorded… that I was there when I shouldn’t be. It was better in the old days… but then, so was so much else.) – I wonder if the Ramen noodles I had earlier aren’t disagreeing with me… or the 3 gulps of choco syrup I had before napping. No mater.. no matter. – Sun. 16 Feb: 8.55 The sun is out but the thermo on the barn reads -1°F. Oh well… I didn’t bother to wake at 5.00 with the alarm. Too bloody tired. So I woke at about 7.20. Went for a smoke and met Bob in the kitchen when I came back in. He was up until rather late, transferring files from computer to flash. Yet, oddly, he made a point of telling me that they’ve run out of wood pellets and are now on oil. (I noticed that the loo is almost intollerably hot… and yet, this room is still almost intollerably cold. Fuck.) Anyway, he added that he’d paid “2000,00$” in bills as well, last night. And? I’ve a feeling that Lyle has forbidden my use of the car. Why? Can’t say. But usually, I’m correct in these things. And the mention of the fact that they’re out of pellets… along with the bill-paying. You know? It’s not my concern. Their house, not mine. And it’s not as if they don’t benefit from my presence in this house. I bust my “all” around here… I participate in the maintenance. Not to mention giving just about ALL of my salary toward balance due. – Moving along… Bob and faggot are in the kitchen… cooking… some kind of meat and shit. No doubt it’s more “sausage gravy”. What-ever. I have head-ache this morning, not feeling all well. Not truly hungry. More annoyed and aggravated. Usual… – Another attempt at repairing the TonyG boot! I’m a bit tired of that as well. I should be able to simply use the salary I’m working my nuts off to make, and go get a pair of new boots… I should be out burning Savannah… or some place in Florida and the Hudson Valley NY. Fucks! The lot! But here I sit… in the bed, trying to keep warm enough so as not to simply … Oh fuck it, really. Just fuck it all. – 17.00 Just finishing a burger roll with a hot coffee… following 3 hours shoveling the back yard and the “drive” and a path to the back barn. My music, the snow, the shovel… it was SO like the “good” days in Richford. It was just that I’d been in bed all morning and didn’t bother to get up and “do” anything at all. I could have, very well, stayed in the bed because it was one of “those” days where I was awake and aware of the fact that laying in bed with my eyes closed, drifting, as it were, back and forth, in and out of half-sleep was more welcome than waking and facing the reality of the house and the environment. Bob had come up to offer a “scone” that he’d made for breakfast and today, for some reason, the very thought of taking food from the house actually did, make me physically sick to my stomach! This is getting worse and worse as the days progress. I mean, to actually get sick just at the mere thought of “taking” “their” food. Oh well… that’s the way it is then. – But by 13.30 I was out the door and into the bitter cold, with the shovel going. Fuck me. They can’t say that I did nothing whilst being here. They’ve benefited from my presence MUCH more than not. Will it make any difference? Nope. Do I give a shit? Nope. When the time comes to “go”… I “go”, all to simply. But right now, I’d like to vomit something, but need a hot coffee more. – 23.42 The day is done. The windows are frosted over again. The cold has returned but the back yard is AMAZING! So too, the side “drive”. I have evening photos that I’ll have to drop in here some-where, eventually. But it WAS a WONDERFUL reprieve and a delightful “holiday” back in the Richford days. – I was actually OFFERED dinner tonight: lasagna and quiche. Bob made 2 quiches… ham and spinach. I declined. Indeed… I declined. And even after they’d done eating (the 3of them had only half of one quiche… probably devoured the lasagna though, I should think), Lyle made a point to tell me that there’s lasagna in the fridge and the quiche was still out and that I should help myself. (I won’t.) – ANOTHER HOUR WITH VIV tonight!!! I LOVE being able to chat with her again, and it’s amazing how our conversation never broke over the years. We’re back to where we always were. I wish I could put into words, but can’t, this relationship between us. I thought of it as I shoveled the snow today. But the fact remains that indeed, I do love her today as much as always. She’s still THE MOST PRECIOUS person or anything in my life and I’m truly amazed that she’s back in my life. I just wish there was so much more I could do to be of help to her, and I’ve no doubt that she remembers what I could and did do when I could. So… but still, I wish I could do again, and do more. Time… always the “Time” factor. – Meanwhile, I’m just up-dating some “Flash” soft-ware… 4/27 installing as I type. The room is chilled through but I’d put the warmer on a while ago so the bed is OK. – I dread tomorrow… it being a holiday and all. I’ll have to find something to do during the day. And I really should go to the market to find something edible over there… I suppose. But that’s for tomorrow. I believe, right now, I’ll just leave the computer to up-date (12/27 modifications… ok… 13) whilst I try for sleep if I must. I’ve been ready for sleep from since about 18.00… In fact, I’d only just posted a “Good night” to Viv and was about to step out for a smoke when she came on-line. I’m just finishing the Night tea… which was hot but went cold in a matter of under 15 minutes, that’s how bloody COLD it is in this room. – Tonight the pellet stove was going and today the boiler was running. I’m wonder what will happen if I open the vent on the floor… I’m going to give it a try tonight. The heat doesn’t travel out of the living-room as a rule but if the boiler is running, perhaps it will give a little warmth to this room (I’m not counting on it though). – Ah… had a bit of a chat with Lyle this evening… just before coming up to bed. We got to talking about the cost of living and the conditions in Montréal and such and I mentioned that Viv was thinking of coming down on Saturday passed but the weather prohibited. Says her Ladyship: She’s always welcome here and with enough advance notice, we could plan on something special for dinner (as if). I tossed the idea by saying that one of her greatest virtues is that she’s very “down to earth” and requires nothing special. First… I don’t believe I’d want her to sit at table with… “them”… particularly considering the potential of having to have a “special” dinner tossed into my face at some point in future and… well… the potential of hearing how wonderfully they treated “my friend”. No. I don’t trust… of course… but I do have the faith in the potential of having anything they might perceive themselves of having done above and beyond becoming part of some debt I have to them. I don’t know that Bob would be so inclined in that direction, but I’m certain it would become a topic of idle chat between the “ladies”. Not to mention, I don’t want to give them the opportunity to “chat” about Viv (and particularly not having me happen to over-hear them… because anything at all where she is even remotely mentioned would, for me, be a perfect opportunity to completely lose my composure.). No. I’ll hope that on the day she does decide to come down, we meet at the PO, do what it is that she’d like to do and her visit here at the house will be brief. Warmer weather would be perfect so that we could be out-doors. But waiting that long… Oh, just something ore to ponder. – Well… 23.55 and number 20 of the 27 up-dates is now installing. No doubt it will want me to re-start the computer anyway, so right now it looks like I’ll be able to stay awake until it’s done. – Tomorrow I should shower before bed. Tomorrow… if I had a car I’d go visit Viv after her work. Well, as usual, Life is a fucker. Eh? – Time to wind down. Just SO Happy about being able to talk with (and SEE) VIV again! The rest of the world can bloody eat itself. I’m Happy and I’m going to STAY Happy! Mon.17.Feb: 7.29 The sun is shining. I’ve had my morning smoke. Bob’s awake and on the computer in the living-room, faggot is awake and in the loo. My stomach is all out of sorts (probably due to the fact that, for the past 48 hours I’ve been functioning on coffee with creamer, choco syrup and one packette of Ramen… dry). The thermo on the barn is -18. And another day begins. Indeed… – Holiday today. I slept through the 5..00 alarm again. This worries me a touch. But tonight I’ll try to get to sleep early enough. Of course, if I don’t eat something, the waking in the morning will become increasingly difficult. But, that’s something to handle when the time presents. – The later part of the week is supposed to be warmer… PLUS 5°C! I’m thinking already of going to work in the morning (if needed) and heading into St.Albans after, to get to the CU. I need cash! I’m going to have to dig into the 5’s for smokes again and I’m not comfortable with that. And I need a car… I NEED A CAR! I’m trying to figure how to get this. What I know I should do is simply be selfish at this point and look for the car. With it, I can make more money, once off of probation and training. Then I could pay-off my “debt” here that much quicker. But I don’t want the confrontation and hearing “You owe us a lot of money!” again. What the fuck though. Eh? This is a matter that requires thought… – 11.37 The temperature is -13 and Bob just comes to tell: there’s a leak in the hot water tank! How fun! And I don’t take regular showers… need to work tomorrow… faggot’s forever in there… fuck me! – 11.58 Whine-fest: OK. SO yesterday I worked in the yard for 3 hours, shoveling snow that means nothing to me. Broke a sweat. Spend all night and all day in a room that’s so cold that my fingers are always in a state just short of frost-bite. I skip showers because the faggot commandeers the loo for at least an hour… having done nothing all day but watch TV and throw something into the stove to call “dinner” at the last moment. But it’s about the COLD… COLD room and now, no hot water. OK. And I can’t help but think: you don’t keep the house warm enough for PEOPLE to be even slightly comfortable, the basement isn’t heated, and you wonder about the water tank leaking? I anticipate some mention of money… well… I gave 510 out of 590 to the house last pay. This pay is still in the CU because I’ve been working all the hours that the CU was open. There’s been no way I could possibly make the trip into St.Albans, on foot or bike, in time to get any money out. Today is a holiday so there’s nothing I can do today. I don’t have a banque-card because I have the TD issue to settle and rather than do that, I gave money to the house-hold. So I can’t simply get a money order or anything via ATM. Oh well… Hopefully nothing is said to me about money and such. I’m in no mood to simply let it ride today. – And now… the day moves along. Tomorrow? Perhaps I’ll be able to boil some water in the kettle and figure a way to cleanse a bit before going into work. And I haven’t had a BM in about 3 days… so this no-hot-water situation will probably play on the nerves enough to constipate if I even have to go. Ah… good moods, good moods. (And yes, I do have a state sweat odour this morning… and my clothes could use a good wash. FUCK!) – Whine-fest complete. It does no good, leads to nothing, but it’s off my chest… in silence. – 17.57 End of day 3 with-out eating. I’d really rather be asleep right now. Soon… very soon indeed. – Just back from getting a pack of smokes. The 5s are disappearing. – Bob came up earlier to ask if I was going to eat. Truth is, the very smell of food cooking is making me ill now. I’m back in that “starvation” mode. But I just can’t get it out of my head: You owe us a lot of money. I can’t eat. But I have coffee. When I went down to get the smokes, Lyle in the kitchen said: I was just coming up to see if you’re OK. It’s been 3 days and you haven’t eaten. (I skirted the issue saying that I’m good. I have my coffee. I’m fine. And then I headed out the door… quickly. I don’t want to be bothered. And there’s no sense in talking about the “truth”. It won’t make any difference other than to be patronised and I can’t stand that shit!) – When I came in from my smoke, Randy is at the sink, washing plastic bags. He tells: 2500$ for a new water heater! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? That can’t be correct. But, says he, Lyle’s upset because he’s never had to deal with this kind of problem. And they “borrowed” the money from Penny… she was going to get them another car but now they’ll put that money toward the new water heater. Meanwhile, the leaking one is still running and leaking. Oh well… hopefully there’ll be hot water in about an hour and I’ll quickly shower. Tomorrow morning I’ll look like shit but… – I think the no-food is taking a toll though. That, and I swear I’m under hypothermia. My fingers won’t warm, my body won’t warm and all I want to do is sleep… Hypothermia. But, it’s all part of the … what-ever it is. – Got a few more pages of comments from the DA Journal copied and the bloody lap-top is fucking about! I KNEW when I did the up-dates last night that I should expect bull-shit. This is seriously just bull-shit! Fucking thing. Good for almost nothing at all. – Oh, earlier, Bob asked me when I was working this week. I told him honestly… every morning, as far as I know now. Then I asked “Why? Do you want to drive me to work?” with a big smile. And then I came back into the house before he had a chance to say anything more. Now I know they want money and I can’t get at mine and I’m not making all that much and if Aline doesn’t need time off I won’t be getting any more hours and I need a car if I’m to get more hours. But… it all goes round in a grand circle. – 18.07 and I’m going to check-in on Viv. If she’s there, maybe a few moments of chit-chat. If she’s not, I’ll leave a message. I need to cleanse and to get to bed. I’m exhausted. Did almost nothing all day. Just wasted it. I wanted to “play” in the snow-bank out back but not knowing whether or not there’d be any hot water, I stayed rather sedate all day. Not in my best interest. Oh well… the day is done now anyway. It’s gone dark out there and tomorrow morning I have to be at the PO by 7.30 for at least 2 hours. So there’ll be a reprieve from all the shit in the morning. I just hope I have the stamina to do what I must and keep going. I wonder why I don’t just take a coronary and “go”. It would be a delight to do that. But that’s not my “calling”, I suppose. – Oh… discovered last night that Silas is “following” me on Twitter. A quick check of his account shows that he hasn’t posted to Twitter from since the Richford days. I wonder… It would be nice to be able to make peace with him. I’m neither planning on it nor counting on it. Merely saying that it would be nice. – Moving along…. – 19.40 In bed and SHOWERED! Tonight I showered with Sunlight dish detergent just to have something deep-cleansing and quick rinsing. But I notice now that my pyjama sweats stink like stale me. Oh well. Too bloody bad. Je m’en câlisse. Tomorrow morning, hopefully, I’ll be able to quick-shower. – Tonight I’m hungry… and there’s a Ramen noodles to be eaten and that’s about all. I just popped an e-mail to Viv telling her why I’m not eating, how much I have in FS and how far it is to get to the market and CU. I don’t expect any help in the travel and I certainly don’t want her to come here to get me! But at least somebody knows… somebody knows. – Truth is, I don’t want the Ramen tonight. Jsut the thought of it… a “something on bread” would be nice. But.. and tonight I believe “they” had some kind of veggie-burgers. no energy in that. And there were only 4 in the pan so there would have been only one each. No nutrition in that either. So I didn’t miss anything, really. – Well, now that I’m in the bed, I’m having a mug of hot water before sleep. No tea. Nothing to “help” with sleep tonight. I can’t afford to be drowzy in the morning. And the plain water will rinse the mug as well. So there! Double duty. – I’m figuring on lights-out by 20.00 tonight. There’s nothing on Radio Canada except Olympic coverage. So… and there’s nothing I really want to see on-line. So I’ll browse-to-nore and then… to sleep… Besides, this computer is fucking up since last night and it does nothing but annoy me. The less time I spend on it, the better. Tue.18.Feb: 12.38 Up from since 5.15… but quick note here… Lyle’s on the phone with Bob and he mentioned dinner tonight. “We’re having pizza…” and my stomach, other-wise empty, actually knotted at the thought of sitting to table. PSYCHO! Yup, I’ve gone “over the edge”. – Anyway, got to work at 7.15 and Aline and Gina were there already. I went right to work and we got EVERYTHING done by about 9.30! Aline worked on the difference on my paper-work and found that I’d transposed. Fuck me! BUT… she said that I did a remarkable job alone and that she has all confidence in me. So, I suppose that’s pretty damned good, all considered. – I was out by 11.00 but put 10.00 on the time-sheet. I don’t want “extra” time (and I’ll be interested in seeing if she doesn’t put 11.00 in the final.) – Back at the house, “they” were awake. I went out to shovel a little more snow, to tidy the yard. Not much. Then came in. – Seems “Shadow” chewed the faggot’s phone charger. I actually repaired it with some electric tape (but I heard Lyle tell Bob that I fixed it “some-what” and they’re not sure if it works. Well, never mind trying it before you blabbler… stupid bitches. Honestly. Never mind a simple “Thank you” even for the effort. But it’s like Mum said: “There is no ‘Thank you.’” so I just wrap it with the rest of the bull-shit and put it aside. – I HAD to go to the loo a while ago, but OH THE PAIN! and almost nothing comes out. Well, of course. Nothing’s gone IN for almost 4 days. – It’s 12.45 and I want a nap so I’m going to try for one… only a nap! – As far as I know… the rest of the week is off. Not good for income, but… – Time to close the door to the room again… it’s cold in here, not enough time to warm up. But, we do what we have to for as long as we must. (I have to think of some way OUT of ‘dining’ this evening. – Yes, time for a nap. Either this lap-top is fucking up or it’s me… but this is just turning to shit! – 16.07 and the hour I dread: “dinner”. The pizzas are in the oven and they’re making me ill. Just the scent of them cooking…. ill. And the snow is falling and the wind is blowing and I’m getting the water runs and there’s no place to GO to to escape! I do NOT want to eat. I do NOT!!! OH! Where to GO to to escape? WHERE? And HOW? And all I can think of is “You owe us a lot of money.” And the argument that will ensue when again, tonight, I politely decline to attend. FUCKED! (Well, anticipatory anxiety is always worse than the actual event… I can only hope.) – 17.32 A slice. One slice. I had A slice. And as soon as I’d finished THE slice, as is usual, Lyle jumped up from the table and stuffed the remaining, what came to about an entire pizza, into containers and they were OUT of the kitchen. Is it any wonder I don’t … oh why bother to comment? Really. – Back in the room… cold. – However, on the way down the stairs I over-heard Bob say to Lyle that the “bank” closes at 12.30 on Saturday. Then, as I was getting ready to leave the kitchen, he asked if I’d gotten my pay-stub. 2 plus 2 equals questions not being asked. AND…. I told the faggot that I wouldn’t be back to work until Saturday… BOB tells me that LYLE told him that I wouldn’t be back to work until Saturday. I need to shut up, remove myself from this shit and GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE… SOON AND QUICKLY! – Now, back to our snowy evening and me, probably very soon, to bed. I’m just exhausted with all of this bull-shit. – 18.42 Can’t take any more of the cold. In bed. Pyjammies. Lights out. Enough. – 23.25 Laid in bed, freezing, with the blankets over my head until almost 21.00 and have been awake since. Thank you John, for the jacket liner! It’s been keeping me rather warm… even to my fingers! Imagine that! I had a “Ramen” flavour-packette in hot water earlier. Killed a bit of an appetite but I’m hungry again and now I want a smoke! AND… I WILL go down-stairs for one. I’m tired of this bull-shit. Really. Tomorrow I MUST investigate into why there’s no heat in this room. The register is wide open! This is insane! I’m feeling guilty about rent owed and yet, nobody is feeling anything about the cold in this room? The trouble isn’t “them” any more… it’s ME! And I have to do something about it. So I shall… and then? Hopefully.. figure a way O.U.T. and Q.U.I.C.K.L.Y! Wed.19.Feb: 10.59 It was, at long last, a night of deep sleep. Finally put out the lights at about mid-night, “Nick-In-A-Boot” night. And I woke at 5.00, put on the light and waited until almost 7.00 for the first smoke. Then… round about 8.00, took a “nap” since there was no call to work. Napped until about 9.00 and have been freezing in the room from since. Just back from another smoke. – Another cloudy day, cold and the temperatures have risen to where it’s now damp again. Tomorrow’s forecast is for better… a bit of sun and a touch warmer. Maybe I’ll be able to make it to St.Albans! On the bike, of course… not looking forward to that anymore. I spend so much time in the cold in this room that any time and place that’s even slightly colder just makes my body ache these days. – I can’t help but keep thinking that “they” are waiting for more money. Well, there’s no way for me to get at it and I’m certainly not going to go out of my way in the cold any more. Besides, as I’ve been thinking: the “Expense” cheque? I got about 180$ out of it… clear. I put about 150$ of that into the gas tank in “their” car… gas that I didn’t really use at all. I paid the car rental up front which left me with nothing with which to buy food for the 3 days I was in Maine. So… All told, “they” made out much better. Ad… there’s been NO mention of the fact that “their” gas tank was FULL every time I used the car, to simply go to Alburgh and such. AND… the fact that “they” benefited from it by taking “their” jaunts to here-and-there, hither-and-yon… with-out me in tow. So? I don’t want to hear about it. However, should the topic arise again… all of this will be mentioned. Likewise, I can’t help but think that, at this point, in order for them to get me out of here, they will have to go to court. And right now, I’m actually quite ready for that option. I’m tired, hungry and always cold and there’s been nothing done to alleviate the cold situation in this room. The heater was offered and then taken, to be placed in the kitchen (where “they” cook, thus, heating that room anyway). Very much like the “dinner” situation where-by, before the meal is complete, the food is taken, quickly, from the table. “Christian”… Lyle is a “Christian”… and ever so much exactly as Christians are: self-righteous and forever self-justifying. Pure evil and all-too-simply… cruel and vicious. – Ah… and all morning, the barking and yipping. When I leave here (SOON PLEASE!), I will make certain that I go to some place where there are NO PETS AT ALL! I’m sick to death of this bull-shit here: dogs barking, yipping and shitting all over the place, and the cats forever under-foot and destroying. And I can’t get another thought out of my mind: When the matter of reprimanding the little piece of shit, the faggot threatens to leave and Ms. Lyle goes all teary. Ah… but ME? The one who is never about, NOT eating the place clean, NOT throwing food into the “rubbish” and not making a presence… ME? All’s well with me. They’re not heating the room, not cleaning nor maintaining the room. Me? I’m shoveling, cleaning barns, making little repairs and the likes. Me? I’m SO FUCKED! I’m at the end of it all. – Today, at some time, the new water heater is due to be installed. No doubt there will be idle chit-chat about money… – 11.14 and total animal mayhem!!! Perhaps the water heater is in? What-ever. It’s just so completely un-necessary. And the one that doesn’t stop? The faggot’s little piece of shit. – Damned shame the PO isn’t open. Not that I could go hang-out there. But it would be nice to just get the fuck out of here. I’m thinking of spending time in the barn at some point. I just need to warm my body up a bit… please? – 21.50 and finally in bed, after a day with no food… and I mean “NO” food at all. There’s nothing in the “larder” and I never even got the chance to get to the market, even if I’d wanted to. I told Bob that I was on-line with Viv when he came up to tell that dinner was ready. But I’d passed through the kitchen earlier and told Lyle and Randy that I was on-line and to only “set 3”. Well, as fate would have, VIV! At about 17.00 or so! YAY! I truly don’t give a shit about the food situation anyway, and truly, the time spent with talking with and SEEING her again supersedes EVERYTHING anyway. And yes, it was another almost 4 hours together… “together”. Amazingly, there’s been NO break in our conversations at all. I even got the chance to say to her that, although I’ve lost everything from storage and now have nothing, I’m quite happy that she and I have contacted. Indeed… even as I go through cleaning the “comments” on the DA Journal, I see how often I mentioned her. And yes, it is such a beautiful relief. – Meanwhile, what I knew was about to happen sooner or later just happened as I was putting on the sweats for bed. I thought it a bit of gas… it’s uncontrollable shits. A tiny splatter down the leg, nothing that I couldn’t clean right up with a bit of toilet paper. But “it’s” begun. And of course, I’m hoping to get out and on the road to St.Albans tomorrow… and tomorrow night there’s another ice storm predicted. Hopefully it’ll hold out (and so too, my bowels) until I make the trip. Other-wise, this is not going to be “comfy”. – The water heater was supposed to come today. Somebody came for something this morning… and the dogs drove me to the point of madness. I took a trip to the barn… and there, took care of the Nick situation. BRIEF! All in about the time it would take to have a smoke! Imagine that! Oh well. But I HAD to get the fuck out of this house before I started kicking the damned dogs. It was awful! Just incredibly awful. And neither of the ones whose responsibility the dogs actually are made any effort to correct the situation. I truly need to get the actual fuck out of this situation. It’s not bad enough that the very thought of sitting at table and eating “their” food is making me literally sick to my stomach so that I can’t eat even if the food WASN’T being snatched away from me (I will forever remember that as the subtle way of saying “You’re eating too much of MY food!”). But this bull-shit with the dogs! I mean, IF I were to TRY to do any kind of art at all… it’s bad enough my hands jolt on the key-board as I try to copy and clean the notes from the DA Journal. Oh well… at the very least, it’s shelter from the elements, and the elements have been brutally cold this season. – That said, the room is quite warm this evening and the thermo on the barn is reading 20°F! Above freezing in the forecast tomorrow. I can only hope. – I’ve had my nighty-nite tea and am just about ready to close this day completely. My only wish and hope: that I can sleep through the night with-out shitting the bed… unless it’s because my “time” on this earth is done. In which case… let the shit flow. – Now I NEED a shower and I SHOULD make a wash. But… now… no time. – The end. Thu.20.Feb: 7.10 I think the not-eating “their” food is gripping this morning. Last night, Viv said something about one of her onkels not eating and losing his mind. He rang Ron, said he needed to go to hospital and just never came out. I don’t want to lose my mind and become a burden… not again… I was a “burden” to my parents, I was told that, at a very young age. I don’t want to become a burden to others. I saw my “life” in as a burden, I don’t want to see my “life” out that way as well. But I won’t eat “their” food. I owe them “a lot of money”. I know… I’ve been told. – Yesterday, I clipped 2 of the skate belts and glued them to the rear soles of the TonyG boots, hoping that that would help keep the soles on. That glue won’t be “cured” until about 15.00 today and this morning, I had to put more on because the straps didn’t actually attach under the boot. So I can’t wear them yet today. When I put the glue on this morning, some of it dripped onto my sweat pants. Well, there’s something more ruined. Little by little the world takes and takes and takes away. – I’ve a bit of head-ache this morning and my stomach is still gurgling. Went to the loo, just in case, and nothing but gas. – I want… NEED to get into St.Albans today, to pay on the rent and to get some cash for me. I can’t eat whilst on the road because, at this point, I’ll probably have to take a shit right after and I can’t afford that on the bike. And there’s no way I’ll be able to walk that distance. But I NEED to get to the CU today! I don’t know how I’m going to pull this off… Hopefully I’ll feel a bit better as the morning progresses. – This morning I slept through the 5.00 alarm. I don’t recall even hearing it. Woke at 6.30 as Bob left for work. – When I went down for my smoke, I went into the basement to check the vents for the heater. One small stove-pipe comes across the floor down there and from the looks of it, goes up to the first floor and no farther. So, I’ve no idea what the registre in this room is attached to or where it vents from. So there’s no solution to the cold in this room. – This morning though, the room is comfortably warm. The sun is shining in through the window. And the thermo on the barn registres 20°F and the birds are out flying. It’s supposed to be a bit warmer today… in front of the ice storm of tonight. So the weather should be OK for travel. Hell! I made the trip in the bitter, bitter cold already. No reason I shouldn’t be able to make it today. – Stomach’s going bad now. I suspect a bit of an “emergency” in short order. There’s nothing in there save the creamer from the coffee. It’s almost painful at this juncture. But the day has begun and there are things that must be accomplished and I must get to them. I’m thinking that by 9.00 the day should be settled and I can work on it from there. – My beard is in dire need of a trimming but I don’t dare. It’s the only substance to my face these days. Removing that hair will show just how drawn my face actually is. Frightening! Need a hair-cut as well, but I’m keeping that for added insulation… not that there’s much up there. In fact, last night, I saw, in the Skype camera, just how “thin” it truly is. It’s falling out like mad. Is that any wonder? Malnutrition and all. – 13.55 Another 300$ paid to the house. – Grabbed a quick shower at about 11.15, dressed and headed for the door. En route, quick chat with Lyle who asked Fri.21.Feb: 7.21 Yes, I slept until 6.35. And again, I barely recall turning the alarm off this morning. Not good at all. And one would think, after eating all that shit yesterday, that I’d wake with all sorts of energy this morning. But nope. Anyway, it’s only just passing by 7.00 and the house phone has been ringing… twice. Bob, I think. Should be an interesting day. Maybe the water heater? – Meanwhile, it’ RAINING! Not ice, but RAIN! And it’s supposed to be ALL FUCKING DAY! I NEED CASH! And it looks like THIS is not happening… unless I can break down and ASK to borrow the car or get a lift IF the fucking CU is open when Bob gets back to the house. We shall indeed see. – Meanwhile, time to DO something with this day. I’d considered laundry… I’d considered… that’s e-fucking-nuf for me. – 10.42 Interesting turn: Gee, I put 300$ into their account yesterday and this morning Lyle tells me that Bob is in Albany… NY… en route to PA, “to see his parents”. Seems he woke this morning with uneasy thoughts about them, hasn’t seen them in 4 years and decided to take the day off and the week-end and drive down there. Imagine that! (OK. There goes my hopes of getting to the CU for any cash this week-end.) But… it was the same as last time when I put the 510$ into their account: they went SHOPPING for all sorts of stupid shit. Never mind the things that are needed for the house. Never mind even trying to get heat into this room, or offering a heater. Nope. Oh well. None of my business, really. – Moving along, I just discovered a file of “thumbnails” on the hard-drive and with them… a photo of my Sat.22.Feb: 5.53 Well, I woke with the 4.47 alarm after a night of very difficult falling asleep and a strange dream last night. The dream was brief but woke me. First person… dark… Sun.23.Feb: 9.28 Just finishing coffee, just in from a smoke. Just waking. The alarm sounded, turned it off and went directly back to sleep. And it’s quite a lovely morning, this. If only I had the energy and stamina… to get on the bike and get out of the house. But I’m considering. Enosburg would be the farthest I could go today. Or… save the energy for tomorrow… a colder day (again). Pondering… And to arrange for a lift to MTL during the week. But that would probably be… well… I wouldn’t do so. Not un-invited. No guarantee of a lift back. Nope. Pondering… – Stomach is all off this morning. Gee, I wonder why. Ramen noodles last night. Not good. Oh well. I ate. – “Brandy” in the kitchen… preparing it’s breakfast. Her Ladyship asleep. Imagine. – And “life” is “normal”. – 10.43 Just getting ready to get out of the bed. Fuck this day. Really. – At about 10.30 the BARKING, HOWLING, YIPPING and her Ladyship was pissed! HAHAHAH! Indeed I must laugh. It annoyed me at first, but then? Oh, how funny it is! Life… giving the deserving the deserved. Fuck-alls. – Breakfast is cooking in the kitchen. The smell, even as I said to Viv last night… No matter how hungry I might be, the very notion of eating “their” food makes me need to puke. – And so… the day begins… as it should end. And I’ll expect the next “Somebody comes to take Chica and I leave for…” bull-shit story. – OUT! I NEED A CAR! I NEED TO GET AWAY! – (I need to wash clothes and such.) – 16.48 Bob returned at about 15.00 or so. They’ve all sat to table for dinner (some kind of crock-pot stew thing). I’d gone down for a smoke as the table was being set. I chatted a bit with Bob, listened to Lyle tell me I don’t know my roads in NY (since Bob went through Bolton Lading and I suggested 84 to 9 and straight up… but… fuck me anyway). And when I returned from my smoke,they were all dishing the food. Lyle commented “Dinner’s ready…” and I replied “I’ve Viv on Skype.” (I didn’t, at the time, but I did bring up Skype as soon as I got to the room.) If I don’t get to the market soon, there’ll be nothing to eat for today. I did finish the oatmeal this afternoon… but… I’m really quite rather hungry and there’s a “road trip” on the agenda for tomorrow… (I’ll probably walk it). – No doubt, my absence, yet again, at table, will bring repercussions at some point this evening. I’m not in the mood to discuss and certainly not in the mood to debate. More? I’m NOT in the mood, nor the physical condition to eat “their” food. – Heating water for coffee… it’s bloody-fucking COLD in this room again. – And… I’ve been working on the DA docs most of the day. So much was recorded on those 84 pages on the Journal. – 17.36 MADE IT TO THE MARKET! PopTarts, choco Grahams, creamer… small fortune. But… AS I WAS LEAVING.. “Brandy” decided to bring the dogs out! SO… I just headed out to the front of the house and to the market. When I RETURNED… Brandy and her Ladyship were in the bloody kitchen! They only JUST finished dinner! Fuck! And I had a paper bag under my sweat-shirt! But… I can only hope that I made it… And came directly up to the room… it’s going to be a while before I get to eat anything. But that’s OK. At least there’s SOMETHING to be EATEN! tonight. – 20.36 IN bed. A “difficult” afternoon/evening, seeing the notes done on 24 October 2011. Remembering… seeing the notes and re-living the day. I am in a bed, with blankets, in a house, in a room where the temperature is only slightly warmer than the out-side (listening to the faggot across the hall “bellowing”, as it were, at it’s worthless little shit of a so-called “dog”), I am not out in the open wind, the “crisp” night air, freezing. I should be quite thankful. I’m tired of being “thankful” for shit… I truly am. I’m sick of being considerate of those who have consideration for nothing and no-one other than “self”. I am sick to being in a town where selfishness is the motivation for “all”. I am sick of “giving”. I’ve “given” my income in order that others will be more comfortable… and… – But I managed to dodge the table again tonight. I truly AM happy about that. I had my cookies and am having my PopTarts and a glass of hot water… on a night when the temperatures are returning to the “North”. For that much, yes, I am thankful. – Not a word from Viv today. I hope, truly and with all my heart and soul, that she’s feeling better, that she’s comfortable, that she gets good rest and wakes refreshed and happy and that her day goes along wonderfully for her. I hope she experiences the same Joy that she’s given and is giving me. “Hope”… it’s all that I can do. But I do it with my “all”. – The phone and iPod are on the charge tonight. Tomorrow’s plan: On the road, on foot, by 8.30 latest. The forecast is for bitter cold again. But… it MUST be done… and so I shall. A stop for cash… a stop for “provisions”, the hope for a lift or as many as it takes to walk the shortest of miles both directions. AND… the hope that I can make it into the house with-out any interrogations and will NEVER have to hear ANYTHING about my journey… form ANY one in this house-hold. And on that thought, I post this on-line, sip my water and retire for this night. Mon.24.Feb: Coffee water’s just coming to the boil. AND the bloody road and car have a light powder-dusting of bloody SNOW! IF I was trying to decide between the bike and a walk into St.Albans today… THAT decision has just been made… HOOF! – It struck me this morning (yes, already): I have nothing to show for all the time and effort and energy that I’ve put into this job thus far because I’ve given the salary away… MOST of it. This room is cold all the time, there’s no heat in it AND there are NO pellets for the wood stove (eve after all the panic about getting the fucking garage door open…. you fucking moron!) and there was just a 300$ deposit made to ‘THEIR” account which could have gone toward OIL to HEAT this place enough to warm this room a bit. BUT NO! – ENTITLEMENT… that’s the word Aline used and that’s exactly IT… ENTITLEMENT! – And thus begins another day… ENTITLEMENT, VT. – 6.03 Imagine this: Just up from a smoke and… the house is up and about already. The kitchen looks like Times Square, with all the lights on, Bob in the “Antique Living-room” (pellet stove… though it hasn’t been used in about a week), her Ladyship on the porcelain throne, Jester in the kitchen, food in the pet dishes… and snow on the road. Monday. But the temperature, at -6°C doesn’t feel too awfully cold this morning. But that could be because I just finished a hot coffee. The morning sky is solid grey. Let’s hope for OK weather at 9.00… which is about the latest I want to be out of here this morning. – 8.25 Took a 30 minute nap and woke to… SNOW! But the météo map predicts that it will be over by about 10.00 and then a bit more at 11.00 and then relatively clear this after-noon so… I’ll have another coffee (with creamer), grab a shower and OUT! – Good thing I have THIS planned instead of the necessary laundry because I just noticed (being back from a smoke) that there’s wash to be done on the washer, no doubt there’s wash in the dryer from yesterday, and I wouldn’t doubt that there’s wash in the washer that’s been washed and waiting to be dried (fro yesterday as well). HOW is it that I find (or they find me) such slobs? I wonder, often, if this isn’t “Life’s” way of “balancing” the general order that I strive so hard toward in my own existence. I wonder… – 16.55 Just back in and the room is colder than the out-of-doors. – Left at 11.30, walked almost to the 105 before I got a lift (Dan) right to the CU! Oddly, some-where around Skunks Misery Rd, a car pulled-up beside me, I took the ear-bud out and looked: 2 Border Patrol! “Just checking to make sure you’re OK.” Imagine THAT! Just checking to see if I’m OK. Truth of the matter is, the sky was clearing (I left in the snow-fall), but the WIND was kicking up and the snows were drifting so heavily that at times, it was a complete white-out… even for me, walking! Those open flats are a bitch in the wind. And it shows, in Winter, just how much of the forests have been cut for the old farms. Never ceases to amaze me: a State that’s SO into “natural” spaces can be so devoid of forest and trees because of its agricultural past. But… I trudged along. – Yes, there were moments, all through the day, when the pain in my chest got sharp and brutal. At one point I wondered how I’d contact VIV to let her know, in the event something happened to me. I now have somebody I would want to contact, should something happen. Not so that she would come to do anything, but more to let her know that I might not be in touch and that it wasn’t simply because I’d disappeared or anything negative like that. I’ll have to work on something, like an “emergency contact” on the phone and a note to be kept on my person or something… whether my “moment” comes here in VT or back HOME. – So… as I say, shortly after the Border Patrol passed, I got the lift from Dan, with whom I had delightful chat about Border Patrol and the likes. He actually dropped me at the door of the CU. I went in, got my cash, chatted with the teller who had been in Israel in 1999 with a tour group of other travel agents (which is what she was at the time) and, with cash and FS, went to Hannaford’s for peanut butter, coffee, PopTarts, a package of BEEF franks (10… I was tempted to get more but just knew that I couldn’t carry them, with the weight of the back-pack… today wasn’t a “good” day for carrying the weight), container of “regular” oatmeal (not the “quick” kind… I want to see if this style is any more filling… at the same price) and choco powder. A blue, rather pretty bottle of fizzy water for the trip back. Stopped at JoAnn’s Fabrics for needles and thread to fix the black boots too! And back on the road to “Entitlement” VT. – Another “funny”: as I was walking along the 105, a State Police car passed me… of course, it just passed. But I found it rather interesting that they didn’t stop to tell me anything about “soliciting” a lift with the sign on the back-pack. OK! Now I know: it’s not illegal. – HOWEVER… the signs are now torn! A large truck passed, kicking the wind, and the wind grabbed the sign and tore it. I have to figure how to repair it (since this is NOT the last trip I’ll be walking into St. Albans… for a while. But I managed to get it back together on the road-side and continue along. – My legs and feet were giving out on me by the time I got to the wind-mills today! My knees, my calves, my thighs… PAINFUL! Breathing was a touch difficult as well and all I wanted was a place to sit for a moment or so… but along the stretch, there were no guard-rails nor ANY place to sit until…. I found guard rails and was working my way toward them when a car pulled to the side of the road. As usual, I didn’t “expect” a lift… after all, HUNDREDS of cars simply passed me by. I keep thinking of all these so-called “Macho-man” types in their fancy pick-up trucks who feign “Butch” but wont’ stop to give a walker a lift. Simple, dickless wonders, the lot. But… Dwight gave me a lift from just past the windmills! (I have to check the mileage on the walk.) I was truly just about to give in. My legs were SO SORE! The weight of the back-pack was crushing my lungs (and right now I have pain in the left side of the chest and my hands are “electric” tingling). Timing… Dwight was en route to Enosburgh BUT dropped me RIGHT at the telephone company. I can’t remember when I was SO GRATFUL! – When I got here I noticed Bob’s car. I had no idea what time it was, but I had a casual smoke in the back yard and came in. Dinner on the table… 3 places set. Bob asked if I had a good time in St. Albans. THEN Lyle asked if I was having dinner with them and when I said “No. Thank you.” he asked “Why the fire are you not having dinner with us?” I told him it was because I needed to get off my feet, that my knees were a bit shaky. No sense in discussing… they’ve been “more than generous” with me, as he informed me, and I owe them “a lot of money”… as I’d thought on the walk today, in spite of all the work that they’ve gotten out of me, which, I do NOT begrudge them at all in the least at all. I did the work. It’s done. The grounds looked wonderful all season and the barn is all but clean and clear and tidy and, once again useable. The work served its purpose and is done and the results are theirs. Je m’en câlisse! Franchement et vraiement. Point! – BUT… It’s BITTER COLD in this room! Probably the same temperature in here as it is out-doors and I’m damp from sweat. The loo is torn apart (for some sort of cleaning). I NEED a nap. Then to get some smokes at the Den o’ Thieves. – 18.04 2 aspirin and a 30-minute “half-nap”. (There’s another trip in the very near future, into Enosburgh… I need more aspirin!) My stomach is full of acid, and I can’t seem to get the chill out of my body. Of course, the temperature in this room is just about the same as the temperature out-side tonight. It’s almost as if something was done intentionally. But that’s madness on my part. Still, it IS COLD in here. I’ve the door open. Jester is in the loo, cleaning,,, imagine that. “Doing” something. Alors… – And I’m back from the Den o’ Thieves. A pack of smokes. I’m actually hungry, was going to get rolls for the franks, but didn’t want to bring them into the house… not with the others sitting right there in the living-room. Oh well. I’ll eat something later. My stomach isn’t all too “well” at the moment anyway. – But I AM feeling rather good about me, having made the trip today. HEY! At least I didn’t “ask for favours”… like… the car. I needed to go and I went. No “generosity” involved. AND… they’re still getting paid… albeit, only when I get paid,but still, there’s still extra money coming into their house again. (And out… just as quickly.) As Viv mentioned: instead of putting the money into the house… shopping and PA. Oh well. None of my business. – Moving right along… I need to warm this room up. I need a hot something, either to eat or drink. But I won’t put the kettle on whilst the door is open and I need the door open until the cold goes out of here. – I’d go back to bed for the night, but it’s entirely too early just yet. But in 2 hours? POUF! I’m under the blankets. I need a shower, but the clothes I’m wearing AND the bed-linens aren’t “clean” so it makes no difference. My clothes are damp from the sweat I worked-up on the walk. But that too shall pass. – At least I’m not in pain, there’s PopTarts, peanut butter, oatmeal, more coffee, choco-powder a and franks for when I CAN eat. Food… deferred. Toujours. – 21.50 Only 1 hour 38 minutes with VIV this evening, but WOW! It’s still SO WONDERFUL! AND I still am amazed at how the time apart just “never happened”. It gives me PEACE! – Whilst we chatted, I ATE! I closed the door, put on my cap and 2 sweat-shirts and the drapeau (scarf) and was still a bit chilled. But I had 5 franks, 4 PopTarts and as we rang off, I had some oatmeal! I ATE! (I’ll have to get a bottle of V8 now… for the veggies. Perhaps when I go into Enosburgh for the aspirin. V8 and more franks, I should think… and what-ever else I can manage to carry back. Hopefully there’ll be good weather coming… in spite of the forecast for snow all week… as it’s doing even as I type this now, tonight… light, very light snow… again! Fuck!) – But, at 22.18, the bed (dirty linens, dirty me) is beginning to warm. I’ve gone for my last evening smoke and it’s time to cut the lights and wrap this day to close. – All said, it was tough going today, but I made it… I MADE IT!!! And I’m quite proud and happy with and about myself. – Hopefully there’ll be no more questions about not eating dinner with them. Viv suggested that I talk with Lyle about it, tell him. But I’d really rather not. Just let it pass… Hopefully I’ll be able to pay them off, get a couple of dollars toward a car and a place to go to and get out by the warmer weather. I doubt it will happen that way (it never does go the “right” way where I’m concerned), but I can hope in the mean-while and give myself some False Hope to look forward to. – 22.22 and time to the get this on-line and take me off-line. – Another day… done. Tue.25.Feb: 7.18 The alarm sounded at 5.00. I turned it off, turned the light on, went back to sleep. Shortly after, the sound of voices. Bob and Jester… Yet again this morning, Jester wakes with Bob. And all I can think of is that Lyle was so rather depressed not long ago, talking about how he believes that there’s something wrong in his relationship with Bob. Add, think I, that Lyle wouldn’t feel the least bit uncomfortable with Jester Faggot being here, considering Bob “likes” him… “in that way” and I? I have no interest. But… that’s the way the World is. (7.21 and the phone! The house phone!) Anyway, the sun is shining this cold morning. Frost on the windows. I ponder a walk into Enosburgh today. I don’t “know” that I will, but I ponder. My clothes are in need of washing as are the bed linens. I don’t dare. There was much laundry done o’er the week-end, the loo was cleaned yesterday. And… never mind that the phone has awakened her Ladyship… Jester has been up and on the computer from since “they” woke this morning. Much to do. – And I think of Viv suggesting that I “talk” with and “tell” why I am declining to eat with them. I don’t want to be so bothered. – This day too, shall pass. – Tue more 22.42 Just off Skype with… VIV!!!! – A day of mostly rummaging through the docs for/fm the DA. They’re truly fucked with times and dates and such. i don’t know how that happened but it did and there’s a LOT of work to be done to clean it all up!!! A LOT OF WORK! – It’s been BITTER COLD in the room all day, even with the door open. I get to thinking of how I’m giving my entire pay to them to catch up and nothing is being done about the cold. And today I noticed… there is NO duct coming into the room at all! So… – This evening, Bob was cooking dinner and asked if I’d be joining them. When I said “No. Thank you, though.” he asked “I know it’s none of my business, really, but are you eating at all?” I simply said “Oh yeah… when it becomes absolutely necessary.” and the matter was dropped. Fine. Good. I wouldn’t want it any other way. (I expect it to be taken personally by them… and although it isn’t “them” directly, well.. what can I say? “We’ve been more than generous…” and “You owe us a lot of money.” just doesn’t make for enjoyable meal-times. – And I came back to the room. – Was ready for bed at “30 Vies” this evening and Viv came through on Skype and so I’m up later. I even had the night-night tea whilst we chatted. I should pass right out soon. – Just a bit ago, I went down for a smoke and Bob and Lyle were in the living-room. I half-stuck my head in and was completely ignored. Fine… good. It comes to that. Je m’en câlisse, ben franchement. I didn’t bring this matter to this point. And truthfully? I wouldn’t expect anything other than what it is. All I say is: I’ll continue giving them the bulk of my pay, no matter what. I do have t hat debt. I have others whose payments would benefit me. But the shelter? Worth more. It would do Lyle no good if this “rental” thing went out of the house and that could be an option, were I the type to be pure evil. But I KNOW “pure evil” people… I’ve have much more than my share of them in my life-time… no matter what… I CANNOT and WILL NOT be THAT! – And so, 22.51 and light out! Tomorrow? ENOSBURGH! or bust. Weather forecast is for more of today’s cold and snow but… we do what we must and I need something for the pain in my legs (which will, no doubt, be worse after the walk into Enosburgh tomorrow.) Oh well.. c’est la vie et ma vie est d’la marde! Wed.26.Feb: 9.14 I woke at 5.00, worked a bit on the new music for the iPod and the whole house was awake. I went for my morning smoke to find the Jester coming into the kitchen from out-doors. Apparently, it took the garbage to the street! Imagine THAT! Me? I’m in a frame of mind where, I have a bag of garbage in the closet that needs to go out mais, comme ces jours là, je m’en câlisse. It can wait. I took a nap from 8-8.30. I also had 2 franks and 2 PopTarts this morning… woke quite hungry. – Just re-calc’ed the “Compte Due” spread sheet as well, moving the “Last Month” paid into the current balance, and added the “Over-payment on Gas” into the calculations, knocked the “Food” extra charge (in consideration for work done on the property) and brought the balance down to 898,07$ currently. Now, my anxieties are the reduced hours at work and how quickly I can pay this all off. Meanwhile, I passed by the living-room just now, en route to another smoke and got a smile and greeting from her Ladyship. The “chat” is out, apparently. Surely, the talk is about me holed-up in the room all day and such. But better that than any confrontational chit-chat (again). Besides… I’m PAYING my dues as I can… and then some. So? So… I’m paying the rent… I’m now actually entitled to stay in the (BITTER COLD) room if that’s what I so choose. – Tired of this shit. – Weather forecast for today: More of what’s going on at the moment…. wind, snow, snow drifts at least until 13.00. I WANT TO GET TO ENOSBURGH! And my legs and feet ache again today. I have to get the music on the iPod AND REPAIR MY BOOTS this morning. So… time to get busy here. (I also have to have a BM.. but that’s going to wait for a bit.) – I’m actually tired this morning. I wonder if it isn’t the night-night tea that does this. Although, I don’t even recall trying to get to sleep last night when I finally went to bed. That stuff works. Will have to find more… – 13.15 Pellets were delivered today… the little tractor apparently made it into the “garage”… You’re ever so very welcome (thank me for the shoveling of the snows). – 17.21 At about 17.00, Bob came to the door of the room to ask if I was eating with them. I told him no, thank you, and mentioned that I was working on finishing the repairs on my boots and that I was about to take a smoke break. On the way down the stairs, he asked if Saturday was the only day I’m working this week. Gee, I wonder why the concern about what days I’m working. It’s not as if they’re not getting any money. Fuck me. Eh? But, I say nothing to anybody… save, this journal. – And yes, the “loggers” are repaired. For how long, I have no idea. But I did a good job on them. Took me HOURS! Needle, thread and pliers. But it’s done… for now. Hopefully they’ll hold. Meanwhile, I’m working on an e-mail to the manufacturer… if I can find them. To spend almost 200$ on a pair of boots, wear them all of 5 times and have to sew them BACK together… just not working for me. I’m rather bent out of shape. I don’t expect any satisfaction from my e-mail to the mfg. But I’ll feel better having gotten it off my chest. One less thing on my “Bucket List”. – 20.00 WOW DO I EVER NEED A SHOWER!!! AND MY CLOTHES NEED A WASHING!!! MY HAIR NEEDS A CUT!!! MY BEARD NEEDS A TRIM!!! MY NAILS NEED FILING!!! MY TEETH NEED BRUSHING!!! ET PIS MOI? FRANCHEMENT? JE M’EN CÂLISSE!!! – C’est tout. – Well, the black NYC “loggers” are now “repaired”. Took the better part of the day to get it done, but it’s done. Will it hold? I don’t know. But they’re better than they were. The TonyG boots? I just put the straps to them (as it were), moved the skate-straps a bit, re-laced and I think they’ll be good for a while. So, tonight I go to bed with 2pairs of boots and a nasty frame of mind thinking of the boots and shoes and clothes and such that went in storage because of my stupidity. – As well, “frame of mind” isn’t all that good because of the situation round this house. Personally, I suspect that the notice of my departure is high on the list of hopes round here (of course… after they’ve gotten more money from me). But truthfully, it makes no difference one way or the other. Hey! On Friday I get paid again and I now know that I can transfer money from one account to the other over the Internet. I won’t have anything to show for the hours I do work, but I won’t have to listen to crap. That’s important to me. And yes, I do owe… I understand that completely and accept the fact. I just will not be told… again… about owing. Point. Period. – Had a tea. Had the last of the PopTarts. They went quickly. Tomorrow’s forecast is for a high of -7 and sun. So it should be an OK morning for a stroll. I won’t take the bike because of the wind-chill. But hopefully my legs and feet will be in order. They’ve bee quite painful all day today. That “stroll” to and from St. Albans was quite the schlep and it’s leaving its reminder. But I NEED to get to the pharmacy for pain relievers (although I’d prefer 222’s) and smokes (which will, no doubt, be cheaper at the pharmacy)… and something to eat. I’m even thinking (for the moment) of cheese! I DO need some dairy in my diet, and verggies as well. Hopefully I can get a bottle of V8 tomorrow as well. But… with my “luck and life”? No promises. – Other-wise, it’s nice to know that the little tractor made the trip with the pellets into the “garage” today. And… the bags are already just sitting on the back porch. Incredible how they get from the “garage” to the porch and won’t move any further than that. Hey! But I shoveled the snow and chopped the ice from in front of the “garage” and I don’t benefit from the heat of the pellet stove so? Bugger- fuck-all. That’s my attitude. – I want to work a bit on the iPod music for tomorrow’s trip. But I also want to get to sleep now. It’s been a “day” and tomorrow? I want SO much to be out of here. A little trip to Enosburgh will be welcome. I hope the weather will co-operate. – Left a message on Skype for Viv telling her that I was heading for bed and sleep earlier. I watched “30 Vies” tonight.. but it’s more for HER than for me, actually, that she get some proper rest. We get on the Skype and stay for HOURS and late. She MUST get up and get into work in the morning. And she too isn’t 40 any longer. Me? I don’t give a shit about me. I’m on the “check-out” list any way. But her? She should NEVER suffer in any fashion for any reason. And I hope with all heart and soul that she is comfortable… always. – This lap-top is fucking royally this evening. Pasting shit all over the place, jumping from line-to-line. Makes me sick! – This done. The day done. The boots done. Time to post today’s entry and get to sleep!!!!! Tomorrow? Shower and walk! Thu.27.Feb: 5.27 I was awake before the alarm this morning but laid in bed enjoying the warmth of the bed and pondering the dream I woke out of: Fri.28.Feb: 6.22 My hands are already covered with glue. And the TonyG boots are, once again, waiting to “set” and “cure”. Foot-wear… very much needed and none of what I have isn’t re-glued, repaired. Let’s hear it for the boy… but don’t give the boy a hand. – And when I woke with the 5am alarm, the very first thing, with coffee, was the “Rent Balance Sheet”. Today, I got into what little “savings” I’ve had, to add to what this pay-cheque amounted to, so that I wont’ “Owe [them] a lot of money”! But it’s never “enough” for anybody and it certainly isn’t acknowledged and certainly not appreciated. But you know? That’s the way “life” is. (6.26 and the fucking dogs.. well… Elllie… is barking. They eat, shit, sleep and bark. As I drifted off to sleep last night, I saw the strongest resemblance of the house-hold… eat, shit, sleep, and either bark or whine. I say no more.) – This morning will bring LAUNDRY! Today I have no choice in the matter and it’s been well over a week from since the last laundry was done. Last night, as I got into bed I noticed how the bed is beginning to stink… of “Homelessness”. So I do believe it’s time. – 6.54 The boots are setting. My bowels are churning. My nose is… being blown regularly… allergies, I swear! The house? Who the fuck cares? I need to make a wash and I’m about to take a 10-15 minute nap before heading down to the washer. Jester’s little piece of shit was hacking last night. There’d better NOT be any stopping me from making my wash today! I NEED clean clothing for tomorrow! And with all the money I’m paying for the time here… in this fucking walk-in fridge in which I can store perishable food…. E-FUCKING-NUF! – 9.54 The bed is CLEAN and MADE! Clothes are clean and some are just finishing in the dryer. AND… THE INSTALLMENT ON THE RENT IS PAID! THANK YOU KAREN! – I didn’t get that nap. AND when I went down-stairs to put the wash in, her Ladyship AND the Jester were awake! Jester in its chambre, her Ladyship already ensconced on the Lay-Z-Boy. This morning I managed to get my coffee and smoke in before anybody had anything to say. Bob was in the loo, Jester was asleep, as was her Ladyship. Delightful! The sun began to rise at about 6.30 and the day commenced. I’m now feeling “accomplished”. If my old body could handle it, I’d head out the door and to Enosburgh this morning. But… tomorrow is a work day and I need to be in excellent shape. (As it is, I’m planning on being THERE by NOT LATER than 7.15.) But… once the dryer is done… so too, am I. I even put a repair to the TonyG boots this morning… tidied the “desk” AND took a dump at long last! Have to return or renew “Midnight In The Garden of Good and Evil” which was due YESTERDAY! AND, I SHOULD do something about the hair and beard. We shall see… – I’m now wondering what response (if any) I’ll get from her Ladyship when I drop the news that they have 300$ more in their account. Ah… thank you Karen! If only you knew the real “joy” you brought to this day… for me… ME! (As for “others”? Je m’en câlisse!) – Now on with the rest of this fucking day. – 16.45 Laundry done. Hair-cut and beard trim? The bloody trimmer ran out of power… just before I finished! I tried to “clean” it up with the scissor but still have to “finish”. “Life”. – But the “rent” payment was made today. So, there’s my “accomplishment” along with renewal of the library book. Hey! I got “stuff” done today! – And there’s still no mention of the extra money in “their” account. I decided to say nothing and “wait and see”. Bob is making some “rounds” before coming to the house… “shopping”. Booze, of course. NOT that I should ever be invited to partake of that… and now, it’s going to be a LONG time before I can afford my own. Oh well… “life”… again. So it’ll be interesting to see when he goes to “balance” the account. I wonder… will he notice the 300$ extra? Will there be any comments? The suspense begins. – Meanwhile, there are 2 pizzas in the oven. I’m not planning on partaking. I have some franks, rolls and mustard. They’ll “do”. Besides, I’m not too comfy with general “atmosphere” round here of late. There’s a “tension” in the air. Maybe it’s “me”, but I doubt it. My “gut” is usually right and Peter did say that I need to give more heed to my “gut”. – 18.39 Sitting here, up-dating the Milestone and Bob came to the door “Did you make a payment today?” He was doing his “budget” work and noticed the credit to “their” account. And yes, I DID mention that my total cheque came to 10$ less than I put in. And the reply? “Thank you.” period. – Meanwhile, I feigned being on Skype when, earlier, he came to the door to ask “Are you hungry?” Eventually they’ll stop asking. Meanwhile, I’ll be less than 2 months behind as of tomorrow. It’s going to be excruciatingly tough when the cheques come in at so little, but… as I once said to Bob: I’m so used to having absolutely nothing…. – Right now, I’m HUNGRY but I don’t dare to get my franks. I just don’t want to eat with-in sight. AND… I have to finish the hair-cut. –
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