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Sat.01...AUG ADK-518: 6.30 There is little worse than waking in the morning on the first day of the month in which you are forced by general circumstances, to realise that you are about to complete your 65th year of existence. (And for those who would say “NOT waking on this morning would be worse I say: FUCK YOU!)Last night, the lights went out at 21.30. I was so tired that I couldn't even get into a “Selected Story”. A page and a half and I just thought “Let's see how much of a snooze I can put in here.” and, the next thing I saw was the clock at 5.00. Noticing that it was still rather dark, the thought of “Here we go... the darkness is returning. It's just going to get progressively longer now.” gave me cause to just roll over and go right back to sleep... until 6.00 when again, I woke, looked at the “absence” of full day-light and got out of bed. How-ever, there is one rather notable... a brief “dreamlette”, as it were:
I was on some sort of “space station”, floating about “up there”, “out there”. I'd been recruited as one of those “civilians” who get to participate in the adventure, for what-ever reason. I wasn't at all too thrilled about it. Sitting in what was more a living-room in a flat, with a very large window and nice-enough beige carpeting and “modernistic-style” though comfortable furniture, I was able to look out the window and see, in quite good detail, the Earth, floating about in a black space, illuminated by the sun on the visible side. It actually sickened me to look at it, more out of disgust than any other feeling or sentiment. I can't and couldn't say “Why”, but that's what happened when I saw it. Yes, I was intrigued, to a point, looking at the mountains and valleys and the such, the clouds, the greens, blues, whites, &c. But it just disgusted me, over-all. There were 3 or 4 “astronauts” in the room, the “professionals”, as they were, going about their business of what was, at that moment, just sitting about, relaxing, and I turned away from the window when one, seeing me looking out asked “Whaddaya think?” He and the rest appeared disappointed and/or rather disgusted with me when I told them “I really just can't look at it. It makes me sick.” For a bit of “shits'n'giggles” I thought of a little prank, so-to-speak, so I got off my chair and onto the floor, and stroking the carpet I said, almost desperately “I wanna go back now. Take me back. I don't like it here. I've just had enough of this.” Looking at the others, I saw that they weren't all too “amused” so I discharged the moment with a bit of a smile and said “You're the only ones who can tell me, actually, from experience, some-thing I've always wondered: Have you ever experienced just that, where some-body gets up here and REALLY WANTS to get back to Earth, because of some kind of 'home-sickness' or, let's say, 'fear of the height' or of the sort?” And the guy standing closest to me, looking rather stern said “No. Never. You're the first to even try to joke about it.”
Well, that's when I woke at 6.00. (Strangely, as I'm typing this right now, I'm wondering: with all the “wrong” that's going on in my chest lately, even now, with the “stone” in the lungs, resting on the heart, and a moment of “episode” already this morning as I dressed, as I hovered in the dream, was I hovering here, just above Earth... just above me? Did the old ticker stop for a few beats? Did some-thing slip through the old brain-blood barrier? Hmmm....? “Time” alone will tell... indeed.) - And so, today is Nell's “fête” on their “New Russia lawn”, 14-17.00. As of this very moment, I'm leaning more toward the “not attending”, and wondering: Better to not show because I seriously believe it was mere protocol that inspired the invite, not to mention the possibility of having to be socially kind to whom-ever else (though Alvin said he won't be there any-way) might appear, or simply drop by “for a moment” because there's much else that needs to be attended.... being the first of the month and all? Oh well, I'll just let the day dictate as it rolls by. - And another little note of the morning: the new “registration” sticker for the truck is on the fridge and I caught the address here, looked out the window at the golden morning sun splashing across the “side yard” and in the absolute silence that is right now, it made me nauseous. WELL! I'm certainly shoving my-self into quite the “psychotic episode” this morning. Just being stupid, silly, ridiculous... but always aware of the fact that there truly is some-thing “incorrect” happening. Oh... BOLLOCKS on it all! It's time to distract and amuse (since there's nothing “urgent” on today's agenda). - Brian's birthday is tomorrow. I can't remember his age. Dorothy's is Thursday (which means I really SHOULD post her card today, giving it 4 days to get to her and tomorrow NOT being a “work” day for the “Pee-Oh”... good thing I caught that). Next Sunday is Oma's. And this year it's 32 years since mother died... how odd... I can still see that window, the little seating area, the Nurses' station... and not much else from that day. Goodness me. - OK... time to move along, Hoppalong. - This computer keeps sending me little “pop-up blocks” wanting to “re-start” to “up-date” and make changes... I've only JUST gotten the fucking key-board working! (I gave the damned thing a proper SHAKE last evening.) - Well Darling? It is, after all... “AUGUST”! There's FUCKERY to be dealt, SHIT to be dumped... 'tis the month and 'tis the season... Drop your drawers and touch your toes... “Assume position”... AND AWAY... WE GO! - 9.19 Soc.med. &c. are done. The post from Auburn “departed” Albany last night at some-thing after 23.00 but isn't due in until Monday. (Even I can drive that distance is much less time but... never mind.) - The “Tard-box” (a.k.a. Pee-Oh) is up and running and the shits are gathering and I'm about to head back to bed (or to the futon) as the sun shines brightly and I just don't want to be bothered. - OK. So much for the day. - 12.14 THE FUCKING “1909” WINDOWS HAS BEEN INSTALLED THIS MORNING. AND IT'S ONLY JUST FINISHED! NOT HAPPY... FUCKING INTRUSIVE BULL-SHIT!!! -
BUT... I'd taken a lie-down at about 9.30 (and slept too) until 10.30 when I got up and POSTED Dorothy's card AND RECEIVED THE NEW PLATES FOR THE TRUCK!!! TODAY... WE ARE * ADK-518*! (And... FS approval came in for 182/month, how charming... beginning NEXT fucking month.) ANY-WAY, THE NEW PLATES ARE ON THE TRUCK, THE NEW STICKER, IN THE WINDOW... TODAY, WE ARE “BACK HOME TO DIE”!!!
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TODAY WE ARE *NY* AGAIN!!! “ADK NY” AT THAT!
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gardens. Plucked, rinsed, blanched and put-up 2 servings in bags for the freezer and put some more in the “Jardiniere” jar in the fridge. I was almost impressed with the harvest, though I've gotten so accustomed to the massive quantities from the “VT” days that this seems almost not worth the effort... even though THIS is more along the “norm” for a single person's single serving quantities. The beets? Well, if much at all, that'll be one serving, at this point. Live and learn. In this month's “News” from the “Adirondack Council”, it's mentioned how the soil here is so sandy and yet, full of minerals. Not great for agriculture. I suppose that explains why the “farming” seems to stop in “The North Country” coming from the Southern regions of the state and at the Eastern shores of Lake Champlain. This here is more “pine forests”... not “food crops. Between the poor soil and the “empty” brooks, streams and rivers, I wonder how the earlier folks managed to survive. The lakes, so it's told, have trout and the likes. They must have been “introduced” some-how and some point. Honestly, it's rather interesting. I mean, if there were fish about, I've no trouble with the notion of getting out there to gather. There's a river just down the road and the only thing I've heard tell that's in there is the leeches. Hmmm... again, interesting. But it all is what it all is. - Meal was “filling”. I made rice to go with the chicken, chicken served cold. Ice cream after. (I'm having a second v-ton and am hungry for salty and there's nothing “noshy” in the house... typical. - Did NOT go to Nell's... imagine that. Don't give a shit either. - And I've been SO tired all day and can't really understand why. - And now? All I can think of is: “65. What a fucking depressing age to reach. What a fucking misery this has been. What a fucking horror it's about to be.” - But tomorrow, I'll clean the truck. Why? Just because. Maybe I'll take it, at month's end and together, we'll find a nice cliff in the mountains... Yes, it's come to that point. - Maybe I'll shower before bed tonight... but I doubt it. At least I won't have “ BANG BANG THUMP THUMP CHATTY-CHATTY” in the morning... IF there is a “morning”. I don't care. - Binge-watching “Big Fat Quiz”... - 23.50 2 v-tons in and a tonic after. A smoke at the kitchen table. No shower tonight. I'm fed-up with shit in general... nice way to end a day. Fukkit! Fukkitall! - Oh, and the “new up-date” on the lap-top? Seems to have “fixed” the key-board but the little “menu” at the bottom is bouncing again... NOTHING in this world works correctly. Well... good to be so close to death... fuck the followers... they'll live in their own Hell. - Meanwhile... last smoke, brush teeth, HOPE for sleep through the night... no alarms for the morning.
Sun.02.Aug: 9.24 after another “mid-night-to-8” shift of sleeping-through the night and a “slow start” to a rainy morning and the annoyance of bringing the lap-top up to “usefulness”. But with this morning's rain, so much for the plans of cleaning the inside of the truck and washing the out. Oh, alas, the plans of mice and men and never mind me. And some-thing from last night's “meal” just isn't settling well... not sure what or why but... here we are... floating through time and space as the seconds turn to hours. Well, maybe I'll get a hair-trim in at some point any-way. The trimmer is on the charge... just in case. The rains are supposed to pass, with “chances” of more to come during the day. OK. Fine. What-ever will be... will be. At least the first thing I did this morning was to pay the TN Loan this month. Skype monthly is the only out-standing... that, and the rent cheque (which will happen when it happens). - Cash, this month, is at another “low” and there are a couple of items “required”: brake fluid, smokes, some items. Oh well. As I recall, there have been those times, those lengthy periods of having absolutely nothing on-hand and no prospects of income at all... and here I am today, here, where I am, in spite of it all. “This too, shall pass.” Mean-while, it's looking like another day of many visits to the loo. Vodka? Too much sleep? What-ever. But I'm up, dressed, on second coffee, first smoke on the porch and that part of the morning “routine” is done. What will be... will be... will be. (And maybe I'll just go back to bed in the silence and calm that is “Sunday”. No “gatherings of the village idiots” out-side my doors and windows. That much is a delight.) - 12.19 Just up from another hour's snooze on the futon and feeling none-the-better for it. In fact, I'd set the alarm, woke before it sounded, so I should have gotten the necessary sleep but, when I wake, as is usual of late, I'm fine, as long as I'm laying down. It's the getting up that drains. Hmmm.... and I ponder whether or not to “look into” it. I could, as a matter of technicality, at this point, because, well... that “Medicare” shit supposedly kicked-in yesterday and I'm paying for it this month. Perhaps another “some-thing” to “investigate”: finding a local MD... HAH! “Local”.... Plattsburgh... or E. Buttfuk, I've no doubt. Well? On we go with the day. - Meanwhile, the key-board on the lap-top seems to have “repaired” itself but now the little “task bar” at bottom screen is bouncing again. Always some-thing. - And a thought: the truck is falling apart and so am I. We're doing this together. How cute. - I'm working on yesterday's photos and will just open “August” on the on-line journals today... it's still over-cast, though warmish. No sense doing or going today (though the truck should be taken out... I'm just not in the mood to see more lights on the dash... and yes, I should get brake fluid, but... 'tis Sunday... what I don't do today I shall do tomorrow... if there's a tomorrow to be). Some-times we just have to accept what it is we have. I can't help but wonder: Mechanics keep insisting that the truck needs to be driven and that's quite the cause of the troubles. I stopped running it (over the Winter) and the shit is just piling-up. Me? I spent YEARS walking, biking, mowing, digging, doing, doing, doing, and have stopped suddenly, as of last year, and since, shit's piling-up in me too. Toughest? Summer's just about done, the sun's starting to set behind the house across the road... “Doing” is about to become even less... especially driving about. Oh well... At the moment, the rains that were supposed to stop by 11.00 are returning... No sense bothering to even think about it... On with what-ever. It's almost “tea time” any-way. - OH! I left the bread on the counter last night, in the little “box”... more mouse-shit this morning. How charming. Thankfully, the critter doesn't get at the bread. But... Alas, as I say. - 14.20 WELL! Photos/images of truck, plates, Dorothy's water-colour and the beans are all up-dated on the on-lines and now... TEA-TIME I should think. (And an “in-door halfie”... I had one last night with “beverages” and just had a bit of one before... WTF? Why not? “Rules and Regs apply to ME and NOT others? Fukdatshit.) Rolling along, rolling along, rolling along... - 21.28 As the rains return and the key-board continues to fuck up, meal was filling and there's tuna and salmon, eggs, onions, flour for tomorrow's “fritters”, if that's what I choose to have. And I've passed another day and didn't get round to that hair-cut I thought I'd do today. Passed the hours after meal watching “Julian Clary” and LAUGHED HYSTERICALLY when he read a chapter of a book on sex, positions &c.: “Place a pillow under her to raise her vulva”... he paused, looked at the page several times and calmly said some-thing along the lines of “Strange time to check her car.” And I ROARED so heavily that I KNOW I cleared my lungs! - Other-wise, the house is in order and I'm off to the shower. Tomorrow seems to look like 40% chance of rain so I'll hope for the other 60% and get to wash the truck and take it for a run... hopefully with brakes. I have to re-arrange finances for this... there's only 100$ left for the month... and that's ALL that's in the savings... I mean “ALL”... 20 in quarters in the truck... we shall see how it all works out. - Believe it or not, “Sean”, across the road, is hammering at this hour. I really need to check my “Consideration” around this place. - Well? Let's see what turns out with Champlain in the coming week. I'm actually hoping the place is worth a move-into, though I've a strong feeling it's not... probably part of a house, perhaps lower floor, too close to the road, no trees, bland and blah... but, I'll have a look-see any-way, if for no other reason than to run the truck (now to find money for the gas!). - On that... time for a shower. No beverages or meds tonight. Giving it a go. (Hope... what a fuck.) - Oh... I “UN-installed” that “1909” Windows shit. Key-board still fucking up and the “task bar” still jumping. I fucking HATE Microsoft... especially when I can go on-line and see that there are so many others who have the same shit happening... oh, and most of them... with Dell products. Honestly, I pray these shit-heads suffer some-how since they KNOW they're fucking with people.
Mon.03.Aug: 5.22 and we're up, after a 23.00-5.05 night of sleep BUT... the street-light is still on and that means... longer nights, shorter days and rolling Sep., Oct., NOV! How I USED to look forward to THOSE months... back in the “heat and hot water incl.” years of life. Alas. But, right now there are other things to think about, like the truck, the brakes, the inspection, smokes... the next 4 weeks... or... the next 3 weeks now, since we've made it through (scraping) the first week between cheques. Never mind what/howthefuck we're going to exist on the shit income to come at THIS month's end! Oh well and alas. Always remember: we've managed on absolutely NOTHING... and THAT'S a FACT! “I don't like it but I guess things happen that way.” (Hey, “blessings” are to be counted, one supposes... Dorothy's in a panic... 3 more days until she has to get her license re-newed... and as Donna sort of puts it, she's blind in one eye and can't see out of the other. Then again... diabetic, eat's what/when-ever, over-weight, and there she is. Though, I'm not one to, but then again, I keep my bitch-fests to m'self Mobility is actually all and I do my best to remain mobile... mile after mile after mile after.... season after season after...) - So much for that. Coffee... half smoke on the porch... and then? STAY AWAY FROM THE DOOR! (OR... Just pull the truck up to the house and CLEAN... IF weather permits. It appears a bit on the over-cast side this morning at this hour and it's WINDY... AND THE ODDEST THING... IT ACTUALLY GOT WARMER OVER-NIGHT... THE FAN RAN ALL THROUGH AND YET, DURING THE DAY, YESTERDAY, IT WAS RATHER COOL. AH... AUGUST... WHAT A FUCK. - 5.49 In from a smoke on the porch, opening windows to the “wind” and checking... 22° at this hour of the morning! Only going up to 26, but it's warmer now than it was most of yesterday. Goodness me! And the wind coming through the place actually feels good. Well... another day. - The “rock in the chest and throat” feels some-what larger and heavier this morning. - And Alvin and Vivian are out already. Today is Alvin's surgery for the carotid. Just the very thought makes me ill. I probably should try and figure out what's going on with me but... we know how “surgery” works in this old body... it doesn't. So? So... on with filling the day... - 7.52 SO TIRED... off to snooze... Skies still cloudy, breezes still blowing in nicely, warmly. But SO TIRED! - 13.35 TRUCK IS CLEAN! AT LONG, LONG LAST! I started at about 10.30 and JUST finished... in-side, shampoo, dust, Hoover... the Tonneau cover too! The rest? Well, it looks a bit like rain to come so I won't worry about that now. But... THE TRUCK IS CLEAN AGAIN! First time since it got to NY. And I'm HOPING I've gotten ALL of the green glitter out of it too. And whilst I cleaned, a listen to “Radio Bayern”, then “Radio Tel Aviv” and then “CBC”. An “international” sort of morning. (And Ms. Suzie didn't leave until about 12.30 so she was “privy” to it all. No doubt, not happy and I don't give a shit. - Julius came in whilst the Suze was in and he said “I just paid the rent so it looks like I'll be here another month.” “Looks like it's a 'Who's leaving first' situation.” said I. Said he “Maybe we'll both leave at the same time.” And I'm sure the old thing in the Pee-Oh heard it all. Matter of fact, she left, saw me in the drive at the kitchen and never said a word. She's picked the wrong enemy. But then again... they all do... and I don't give a shit. (Now to see if there's any “word” from Alden about the matter.) - Meanwhile, still waiting to hear from the folks in Champlain. I looked along the 11 last night before bed, to see if I could see where it might be. It's so FLAT up there! But? “Border town” and “THE NORTH” and... we'll see how it rolls out. - For now... peanut-butter and jelly on bread and postponing the “transfer” of funds to get smokes... the money is about to run the fuck out this month. HERE WE GO! Abject poverty... again. Oh well... - 19.08 AVEC DANIEL BÉLANGER on Bootoob... volume UP! AND HAIR-CUT! YES! TRUCK CLEANED AND HAIR-CUT! Why? I truly don't know and... I truly don't give a shit. But chores are complete. Oh, and the Tonneau looks GREAT! Washed with Murphy's. - And the place is Hoovered. Now... shower. But I DO believe there's a beverage coming before much else. Meal was a “rice fritatta” with ketchup, tuna and cheese, ice cream followed. So there's “stuff in the gut” for the vodka to play with. And although it's only just past 19.00, I'm in the mood to close this day. - I took a run to FamDoll... 2 packs. I'll be sorry soon enough, spending the money, but I did it and it's done. - Anyway, it's been a “productive” day, I suppose. And as for the rest? I don't care. I just don't give a shit. - 21.10 Showered and off to bed! V-ton and a little extra. French music all evening. I wish I could be stoned-drunk!
Tue.04.Aug: 7.37 Dressed. (Clothed, anyway.) Some under-things in on the soak in the basin. In from a porch-smoke with... FOUR hummies this rainy morn! And, as promised (threatened?), indeed, the rains are here. And I woke, refreshed, with the 5.00 alarm, turned it off and went right back to sleep until 7.07. I mean, seriously; what's the sense? It's raining. Not to mention the fact that I managed to shove every-thing else into yesterday... truck, hair, shower, &c. So here we are, here I am, and there's a day to “fill”... here. I'm NOT taking the truck out today. There's no place to go to, and... of course, there's no more than 50$ to my name. So here we are. I could, if I'd the notion, bring the lumber in from the garage and build that chair. I just don't have the notion. Noise and dust and such. Nope. So I'll see what's come along... when the day settles into evening into night. Shame, really, that I'm not even moved to paint. Why bother? Just more “stuff” to have laying about the house. Though, there is one more frame here... perhaps a(nother) “Split Rock Falls”... this one of the ADK? Bollocksed... I just don't want to be... - Well? Coffee's in the press and I'm in civil dress and on with what-e'er's to follow... one supposes. - 8.53 Lavage is done and on the rack. Ms. Suze has arrived. And... the morning? What-ever. I'm “imprisoned” for the next 2 hours... “Snooze-time”? “l'Estrie” is on the “radio”... and... I'm just “annoyed”... as is usual for the morn. And the rain continues. - 15.08 Just watching “It Takes A Thief” and... Eltri is out an th ky boar is fuking. - 15.31 The electric DID go out for a moment, but not when I heard the “THUNK” some-where in the house I could tell by the brightness of the alarm clock in the bed-room. Hmm... Well, it's been raining all day so it's to be expected. As for the fucking about of the key-board, I shut the video off, powered-down and started the lap-top again... Thus far, it seems to be working again... the keys are typing as they should. I wonder if it doesn't have something to do with video. Always some-thing. - Earlier, I up-dated Gimp... WOW! Has that ever changed. There's more to work with, which is nice, even to the point of being able to “warm” colours/flesh-tones (which is what I did with an image I was “working with” yesterday. I had v.2 and it's up to v.10 already! How time flies. - Had cream cheese on bread at “tea” and a ginger tea. And now it's almost time to put tonight's chicken in the oven. Maybe a few veggies that are in the freezer to go with, ice cream after and then? Well, considering my entourage and queue of callers and visitors... another early night ahead. Why not? This rain might go on through the night any-way so... - 19.02 Meal (chicken, 2 pcs., stew veggies with left-over rice as “soup”, ice cream) is done, washing-up is done. The trees have been on the back walk in the DELUGE from since about 16.00 and the pouring rains continue. Météo claims it'll stop at about 22.00. I'm just wondering what the cellar looks like after all this... AND the in-side of the TRUCK! There's been a HELL of a LOT of rain ALL day! (Actually glad I broke-down and went for smokes yesterday... good move.) Thankfully, it's not “cold”... warmish and very damp though. - Twtr is LOADED with videos of Queens and MASSIVE trees felled and up-rooted! HORRIFIC! There's one of Riis park tagged Rockaway and Park... I wonder what RockPark looks like. But from the “radar” on météo, it appears the storm is gone from The City AND the South so... - 20.50 Had a bit of a go through the e-mails and finished the water and now... half-smoke, teeth-brush and off to O.Henry... thankfully the wind's died-down a bit... one more hour to go before, according to forecast... “safe”. We shall see. Meanwhile... another day gone... and pissed-away.
Wed.05.Aug: 4.06 This is one of my more ridiculous moves... starting the aggravation of a day at 3.24... But I woke, well, often during the night, almost hourly, twice to pee, but finally at about 2.55 and just couldn't get back to sleep-proper. So at 3.24, I just decided that, since I had to pee again, I may as well get up. I felt rested and it was about 6 hours' sleep so... here I am, up and about, dressed, on second coffee and in from a full smoke on the porch watching the clouds pass an almost full moon in a beautiful indigo sky. It's so peaceful and calm out there that one would have no clue as to the torrential rains of yesterday, nor the burst of wind (that lasted all of about 15 minutes, and perhaps, only slightly longer... thankfully). And it's rather warm this morning, considering yesterday's weather. And, of course, it's humid. - Things to do today? Well... I'll be moving the truck back to the kitchen... and perhaps, if the day clears, I'll give it a wash on the out-side. Then it will be taken into town because I'll have to get some kind of food to prepare... Sunday is the next round of the 134 FS (next month is about 180 or 184 or some amount of the sort). I can't find the iron-on patches, no matter where I look. I just can't recall what I did with them when I used them and could put a few more on that pair of jeans. (Some-thing to “do”, I suppose.) So there's that. - And I keep thinking of the door to the cellar and the little “shed”... there's work to be done there, especially a pole of some sort to keep the over-head up. It's in bad shape. Once upon a time I was full of gusto, ready, willing and able to make repairs. These days... not so much. But if I'm to be here through Winter, it really MUST be repaired else the wall in the “droring” room will be collapsing, never mind the entire shed. I'll open the shed today to let air in. I've no doubt it's SOAKED down there, after a full day of steady rains. “Time”. Hey... I don't even know if I'll be alive come the end of today... I've been up and about, made coffee, sorted through the “crochet box” (looking for the iron-on patches) and already am feeling “episodic”. Oh the joys of the dizziness... coupled with the aggravation of this fucking lap-top and bouncing icons and waiting for the key-board to start fucking-up. Alas... - Need to get more “tree water” too... though that's not an “emergency” at the moment as there's water in the dishes under the pots... 4 hours of rain yesterday gave them a proper soaking for quite the while and their leaves are still slightly wet. - Tomorrow is poor Dorothy's birthday... and I've no doubt she's a mess because of having to re-new her driver's license... as “blind” as claims are. I can't help but think of it because of Donna going for that “surgery” to correct her eyes, and me, even this morning, as the clouds moved away from the moon I noticed I see a bit of a “double”... but not side-by-side, rather “down”... it's why, when I look at the little light beside the front door on the house across the road, at night, it looks much “longer”. “Old”... what a fucking curse. “Alternative”? Folks say that's the bad part... but once dead... there's no caring, no worries... we never existed in the first place. So? So... we just fall apart and I'm just going to have to work on getting to the point where the sense kicks in and I don't give a shit. - Well, on THAT happy note, to coffee... a bit of “browsing” (though there's nothing to browse because, well, there's no business at this hour). And then, when the qunts arrive next door at the pee-oh... snooze. Getting up this early is fine because I have the luxury of being able to snooze... and so I shall... I should think. - 7.01 Off to snooze. Coffee's done and smokes have been had. The hummies are engaged in breakfasts and the sun is beginning to rise... Yep... 4 hours... time for a snooze. - 8.42 Up from a 90-minute “sleep” in which I dreamt.. oddly:
I was in VT, “chez Madame”, albeit, it was her house but a bit more run-down-ish. I had some business to conduct at the banque there, in town, though it was in Fuklin. And I'd just bought a BB gun, for some reason and was carrying it with as I approached her house which I had to pass because I'd parked on the road off the “main” and didn't want to leave it in the truck. As I approached the house, I realised that bringing the gun into the banque probably wasn't a good idea so I thought I'd find a place to “hide” it by the house until I'd done with my business. But as I approached, there was a group of men working about the place. Her “André” and two other younger fellows whom I didn't know. So I walked toward the side of the house and there she was, flirting, like a school-girl, with the fellows and she didn't see me. “André” sort of half-waved at me and I returned the gesture and figured there was no place to hide the gun on the property so decided to walk round to actually make “greetings”. But as I got to the “front” of the house, I was greeted by Ms. Hallie and Mr. Mimou! BOTH of them were SO THRILLED to see me and we played a bit, with hugs and 'nuggles as the fellows watched-on. We 3 were SO HAPPY together and yet, my heart ached knowing that I'd be leaving again, soon. As I made my way round to the other side of the house, I noticed that the guys were doing some work on the furnace, changing the oil tank, I believed. (Gee... I wonder why I'm dreaming about changing oil tanks and furnace-work, considering my consideration of working on the cellar here, in NR... I wonder...) Nobody paid any attention to my presence and when I got there, Mme. was no-where to be seen so I decided to go on about my business. But thinking of Ms. Hallie and Mr. Mimou, my heart-ache of having to leave them got more intense (I wonder if I wasn't having “an episode”) and I realised it was a dream, the “pain” was increasing and I needed to wake from the dream... and so I did.
And, I woke, feeling rested, put my jeans back on, got up, put on my sneakers and went out to bring the truck to the kitchen-side of the house before the qunts arrived for the morning. I want the windows on the truck open to air. And it's a good thing too because it's quite rather “damp” in the truck after all that rain of yesterday. And so, the truck is out-side the kitchen window, I stepped out onto the front porch to finish a “halfie” just as Ms. Suze arrived. Ah... another day comes to an “official” commencement. - Meanwhile, the geraniums at the pee-oh side of the porch took quite a beating yesterday. Several are broken. Can't figure why them and not the others. But, no problem. There's still some growing season remaining. In fact, just Monday evening I noticed the sun is still setting far-enough to the North. It passes behind the tree across the road, but actually sets between Bald and Greene so the “Summer” remains with us. The geraniums will survive a while longer. - For now? To “be busy” with “some-thing”. There are ways to pass the time. And later, I might actually wash the truck and then go into the market for “meals”... later. - Wednesday is under way... or under weigh. - 16.08 And I had a lie-down at 13.00 until 14.00 when I woke and suddenly decided that, with 33$ on the FS, I wanted a “beef stew”... after an O.Henry short about wanting an onion for a beef stew... And so, I got up, put on m'boots and a shirt, a hat and out the door and into the truck and up to the market for... a bag of potatoes, a “London broil” (which cost entirely too much as far as I'm concerned), a container of sour cream (for the rest of the potatoes), ice cream and a bag of “stew veggies” and leaving with 8$ on the food (until Sunday), back to the “farm” and in and at it! Sliced the remaining 3 onions, 5 cloves of garlic (from Alden... LAST YEAR), sliced the meat and cut it into chunks with the scissors from Viv (and why not?)... spices, seasonings, olive oil, dredge the meat in flour, into the new pot, onions, potatoes (Gold), the carrots and celery from the frozen veggies (I've saved the potatoes and onions) and... THERE'S BEEF STEW IN THE NEW POT, COOKING ON THE STOVE! BEEF STEW! I'M COOKING! THIS IS AMAZING! I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO DO THIS IN YEARS AND YEARS AND... NOT SINCE I LEFT ROCKAWAY! What a shame I couldn't get beer instead of water, but... and I don't know about having a “beverage” after but... BEEF STEW ON THE STOVE!
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Thu.06.Aug (*** WHAT A FUCKING DAY OF “ACCOMPLISHMENTS”!!! ***: 7.07 at 14° with sun-shine and... for some reason or another, what-ever, I'm “head-achy” this morning. Sinuses and the likes. Last night, before getting to sleep, I noticed “bruises” on my right calf. Funny shit, that, because yesterday I'd looked-up the symptoms of “pulmonary embolism”... “classique”... from the “SOB” to the muscle pains in the legs, the pain and discomfort in the chest, &c. Well! Imaginez-vous. Or not, as you will. Oh, there are SO MANY possibilities! Clots. It would figure. I suppose I truly should get m'self “mobile” again, find SOME reason or cause to stroll along. I haven't been “up the mountains” this season (it's been too hot, really), and even yesterday, when I'd thought of taking a stroll along the Roaring Brook instead of that run into town... no, I laid about the house. Imagine... going from “constantly on the move”, getting up in the morning, gulping coffee, getting dressed and bolting out the door to dig, plough, shovel, plant, pull, fix, repair, do, do, do... to this... getting up in the morning and resenting just about every-thing, questioning why I wasn't blessed with “death in his sleep”, and just wandering about, trying to “fill the hours”... ah... “The Hours”... thank you Michael Cunningham. Anyway.... It''s 14° or, as the fan in the bed-room window indicated... 65°F.... “65” and “F”UCK! - OH, but I look and see on the phone, a message... from dear Dot... allegedly at 4.13 this morning:
My god you do the most amazing drawings. I can't stop looking at it. I am framing this ASAP. What a wonderful gift. I love you very much. Today Danny is coming over with his wife's uncle and they are cleaning out the flower beds for me. Great present. Then later on to the doggone dmv. Rocks in the pit of my stomach.
Well, I'm relieved to know that the card managed to make it to her. The timing wasn't bad either... just the day before. How lovely. But she sends a message at 4.00? Another one, up at all strangest hours. And, to be honest, though the message is a delight... “text”... still not worth a phone call. But... BUT... BUT... it IS A HELL OF A LOT MORE THAN I GOT FROM Ms. T. OF IL. AND THAT WAS FRAMED! Oh... just fuck it really. (Meanwhile, I'm here contemplating a card for Nell... It's not likely to happen, the investment of time, materials and effort. Not that the materials are of any real consequence because, as I “inherited” much of them... that “inheritance” is, more than likely, not happening “after me”... it's all just more paper and shit to burn or dump at my point of the lineage. I'm thinking of working a painting of these “Split Rock” falls here... the sad part: it reminds me of the very first “Split Rock” painting... and gee... I'll bet that went for $1 at a local “Goodwill” or “Yard Sale” some-where. (It's so lovely to start a day with so much bitterness.) - Meanwhile, as I have my coffee and spew my general bile and vitriol... I DO have SOME compassion for Dorothy this morning: she's terrified she'll fail the “Vision” test at DMV... BUT, then again, she's been over-weight, Donna says she's done nothing about her diabetes... (OK, too familiar... I'm no better, much), and I see it as she had perfect examples of what to do and not to do... with the relatives along the lines. Staying over-weight, eating what and when she wanted, junk or other-wise, not to mention she's got the house (equity), there's 2 of “them”, she's on disability and surely, more in “insurance” and the likes... there are actions that could have been taken... she chose not to. Yes, I'm opinionated and judgmental, stodgy, crotchety, and all the rest but... “Rocks in the pit of my stomach”. I know what that's like... I just went through the same... and I WALKED to the DMV and back. Oh well... Must to let it go... pass... leave. (Now, I wonder if the effort of making a phone call will be made... I'm not planning on it, nor am I looking forward to it... just wondering... I most seriously doubt it.) - Back to coffee, then to finish the cigarette I started before all this. E-mails. Soc.med. and then...? Then... I wish I had the where-with-all to feel comfy about a trip to Tahawus... I'd still like to see the source of the Hudson... before I see nothing more... ever again... Something to “occupy my mind” later... at least I can plot and plan... There's a half tank of gas in the truck which, as I thought last night before sleep, it more than enough for a round-trip. But there's the “Brake” light and I don't know the road, and... excuses, really. We shall see... I might just get pissed-off enough to just up and go... Might. - And the 8.00 alarm (7.45 actually) jingle... Time to MOVE! - Oh... AND THERE ARE FIVE (5) HUMMIES OUT THERE AS OF LAST COUNT LAST EVENING AND AGAIN, THIS MORNING! FIVE!!! (I wonder if one of them isn't “Baby Buzz”.) - 8.50 Well... morning loo... then open the cellar (with a swift sweep of the spider webs), sweep the front porch, “dead-head” the geraniums (into the “compost”), truck is in the drive to “air” and JUST as Ms. Suze arrived and Mr. Julius was departing for a day of “golf” in Plattsburgh. Ah... the morning. “Activity”. Another coffee and on to ponder keeping “active” during the day. A little “pain in the groin”... right side, this morning. Oh well... On to see what comes at us this day... Good morning world, it's time to “ATTACK”! (Which I've no doubt, you will do.) - 18.17 There are boxes in the living-room... The drawing-room is covered in tools and parts and shit... but meal BEEF STEW AND PLENTY OF IT AND DEEEEEEEEEEE-LISH-US followed with ice cream, is done and so to, the washing-up. BUT...
*** AT 10.18 (AND I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHY) I PUT ON MY SNEAKERS AND GREEN CAP AND “ORIVS” FLEECE AND HEADED DOWN TO THE CELLAR TO OPEN THE DOOR. NEXT... TO THE GARAGE TO LOOK AT THE WOOD SITUATION. CARRIED A 4x4 TO THE HOUSE (SINCE JULIUS WAS GONE ALREADY, FOR THE DAY) TO GIVE MY-SELF SOME “INCENTIVE”. AH... THEN, AS I WAS AT THE CELLAR TO “ASSESS”, JEFF STROLLED BY. WANTED TO KNOW WHAT I WAS LOOKING AT, AS I CROUCHED IN THE STREET, LOOKING INTO THE SHED. “I DON'T KNOW WHY EVERY-BODY'S SO INTERESTED IN WHAT I'M DOING HERE.” SAID I, NOT TO PLEASED. “WHEN THERE'S A HOLE IN THE ROAD, FOLKS JUST NATURALLY WANT TO LOOK IN AND KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.” SAID HE. “MY HOLE IS NEVER IN THE ROAD.” REPLIED I, AND THAT SET THE TONE... MERRIMENT. I MENTIONED THAT I WISHED I HAD A SLEDGE HAMMER, AND TOLD HIM MY “PLAN” AND... WELL... MOMENTS LATER, HE DROVE UP WITH A SLEDGE HAMMER AND A SLAB OF GRANITE TO PROP THE POST ON! WELL... I HAD NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER. OUT CAME THE HAND-SAW (THANK THE GODS FOR THAT PURCHASE!) AND BY HAND, I HALVED THE 4x4 INTO EQUAL PARTS. BACK DOWN TO THE CELLAR WHERE I MOVED SOME ROCKS, DUG SOME DIRT AND POUNDED THE POSTS UNDER THE LINTEL (OR WHAT-EVER IT'S CALLED). WHEN IT WAS DONE, I STARTED THE TRUCK, BROUGHT THE SLEDGE AND GRANITE BACK TO JEFF AND WE CHATTED QUITE THE WHILE, AS HE SHOWED ME ALL THE SIGNS AND LICENSE PLATES AND SUCH ON HIS BARN. HE WAS ACTUALLY MOST PLEASANT! IMAGINE THAT! (I'M STILL RATHER IN SHOCK.) WELL OK THEN... BY THE TIME I GOT BACK INTO THE HOUSE, IT WAS ALREADY 13.30!!! THREE HOURS OF WORKING ON THE CELLAR... AND... I STUFFED THE INSULATION BACK UP INTO THE WALL THERE, SPRAYED IT WITH HORNET SPRAY (TO KEEP OUT CRITTERS AND BUGS) AND STAPLED IT ALL BACK UP... NICE AND NEAT!
But, I have to say, I'm in a LOT of pain right now. My lower back, my right hand is cramping again. But I've taken a naproxen and might take another one later, before shower/bed and will, most likely, have a drink with! - Last night and first thing this morning I was trying to convince my-self that I was going to “walk” or something... those “bruises” on my leg are concerning. But there I did it! Exercise! WOO-HOO! - OK... whilst I'm typing... a “text” message from Dearest Dot: 18.20 “Well I failed!! !!!” Well? What the fuck do you want ME to do or say about it? If “it” or “I” mattered at all, you'd DIAL the fucking phone to talk. But since I'm not even worth that much... after hand-making a water-colour “birthday card” (with 2,20$ postage)... you know what? FUKKOFF! I'm ignoring it. - Julius just left for... where-ever... I have cleaning to do. And that's what I'm going to do now... get this place together again. The rest of the world? I wouldn't give them the delight of a “Fuck”. - 20.32 HOOVERED AND DONE! Paper on the shelves. The house is clean and re-settled... and I'm having a drink listening to “Cigarettes After Sex”. The only thing that would make it better is having more vodka. There's enough for another... but... I just might blow the savings for this week-end... Soc.sec. will be in on the 26th... in time for the 30th which I believe, is on a Saturday? We shall see. But, all said... a nice shower and WOW... WHAT A DAY! - (And I AM in pain... legs, arms, back... but SO worth it!) - 22.59 Well... 2 v-tons in and I'm ready to call this a day. Wrap it up, Close it out. Thinking of Denis... and how stupid I was, all those years. But... I loved, I fell in love. They say that's good. Fukkit. Right now, I can't care. - Been on soc.med. to pass time. These are extremely dark times. I say no more of. - And now, at 17°, I've had my last smoke on the porch. It's peaceful out there. It really is. Keeping politics out, all is really quite well. As for “border town”... we shall see. - Dorothy... expects sympathy. I have none. Theresa? Once again I've waltzed into a life that needed and have fulfilled my “responsibility”. As mother said: Not for thanks... there are no thanks. I've no tolerance, patience. - Moved the truck to the garage this evening. The “cluster” isn't lighting again. There's no “help', support. I'm on my own... again... I've no tolerance, no patience, no compassion. - I'm off to a shower... 2 v-tons in. A bit of reading and tomorrow? I don't care... I just can't care.
Fri.07.Aug: 7.52 Cellar open. Truck at the kitchen. Dressed. Coffee at hand. Must have gotten to sleep at about mid-night. Heard the 5.00 alarm and promptly silenced it. Woke again at about 6.00 and decided “NO!” But... at some-thing-past 7.00 it was time to try to get out of bed. And so I did. And here I am, feeling a “2 v-ton 2 naproxen” night. Congestion, mostly. A little “feverish”... that “clammy” feeling on a 14° morning. And noting this morning, that I'm in need of more trousers... jeans, specifically. Especially if I can't find the iron-on patches! (That really bugs the shit out of me, that does.) Still, it was so nice to get up and about in a clean, orderly house this morning... especially the kitchen where I could grab the electric plate for the kettle form a shelf... and actual, charming-looking shelf, with air and light flowing through. Imagine. It took me just over a YEAR to get this together. Now, if only I could settle my mind on whether to stay or head farther North again... there's the drawing-room that could use that extra coat of white... and the kitchen and... I really don't know. Oh, to have the money to do what I'd like to do. The truth and fact of this matter are that the rent is exceptionally reasonable, and folks don't tend to plod to the door (save that hour or so when the shit-box pee-oh is in biz). Chatting with Nell yesterday, and Jeff... and the chat with Alvin the day before, it would appear that I'm not actually “hated”, nor despised here. Not that it should make any difference to me one way or another. Maybe it's just that “restlessness” again... I do tend to get that after being in a place a while. How in Hell's name I managed to stay in VT and not lose my mind... although, I managed all those months in the Shelter. Well... we'll see how it runs. - I'm going to “must” toddle into town at some point today... smokes. Not happy about the notion but I'm not exactly ready to “quit” at this juncture. So we shall see when/if/how/when that comes crashing onto the day. Other-wise... I'm not sure what I'll do with the hours that are to come along. I've no notion of speaking with “Dear Dot”... nor with “Illinois Tess”. They both got their art-works... I'm under no obligation... not even civil. Ah well and alas, no doubt at 17.00 I'll be wondering where the day went, again and be-moaning my lack of “accomplishments” (in complete contrast to yesterday). Fine then... let's hit the soc.med. and roll with the punches... indeed... to the tapping and hammering and pounding and shit-for-all of the folks replacing the roof “chez Chris and Meghan”. (Jeff told me, yesterday, that that's what's going on over there... “That's gotta be a $30k job!” says he. Spiffy. Just so long as the roof HERE remains weather-proof.) - OK... tally... ho! - 11.09 Okie-dokie... the “shit-box” is closed. Again, today, I've nothing in the post. Still no further “gratitudes” for any of the art-works so I'll just “dismiss” ALL of that. And the Journals on-line are to-date. The sun is shining. It's chilly in the house and a touch warmer on the out-side so the doors are open and here I am, in a sherpa. But some of my “chill” is double-naproxen... to be sure. - I hear Ms. Suze closing shop so New Russia returns to being “New Russia” again... soon but not soon enough. And mean-the-while... me... I'm rolling along... it's been a “silent” morning... I'm tired and will probably go for a lie-down soon. I want to “repair” the “upholstery” on the ceiling of the truck, find the iron-ons... but there's no rush. How charming... no rush. Fuck. - 20.13 And as I thought this morning... the day has passed and aside from a run into FamDoll... nothing. A couple of snoozes, more searching for the iron-on patches (to no avail) and that's about it. So right now, PopTarts, licorice tea and off to bed. The truck is at the garage. The cellar door is closed. The porch flowers are watered. The house is settled and in order. The sun... is about to set. Shabbat. And here we are. The “mole” on my left arm is “weeping” and itching. A bandage covers it for the night. All is calm all is bright... and I'm just hoping to sleep through the night. Tomorrow? Nothing on the agenda. FS come on Sunday with two weeks of monetary austerity to follow until... a month of REAL austerity to follow since this coming Soc.Sec. will be cut down. Alas. - I'm a bit “clammy” this evening. Warm. Can't figure why. I don't suppose I “need” to know. - So tea's here now and I'll watch some sort of some-thing for a bit and then... done... again. - 21.50 “Graham Norton” and now.... teeth and O.Henry. The day is DONE! (And oddly, tonight, I've had to put the fan on again in the bed-room. Hmmmm.... “warm”. - One note though, a ponder: I wonder why it is that I have that little “mark” in the centre of my fore-head. “Mystic”? - Yep... time to get to bed.
Sat.08.Aug: 7.41 And in spite of going to bed with-out any “sleep aids”...and lights went out at about 23.00, I slept through the 6 and 7.00 alarms and had to force my way out of the bed at 7.11. Got up, got coffee together, dressed, out the door, opened the cellar, moved the truck back to the drive and and feeling quite “congested” this cool, clear morn. Oh well... And still can't imagine where the iron-ons went, feeling sad about all the Shasta Daisies growing in the egg carton (it's entirely too late for them now). The tomatoes haven't been devoured over-night so there's that, but the potatoes are now looking rather horrific. That “'garden” has been a lesson, to be sure. Wondered, for a moment, in passing, what to do about it for “next year”... as if. And moved along, back into the house. This morning, that shit-box next door runs earlier-to-later hours... Saturday: 8.45-11.45.OK, so it's only 3 instead of 2 hours but still... I'll have to work on just assimilating the inconvenience into my existence or... No matter. It's another day... and it's Saturday and there's really nothing on the agenda... and if weather permits, I'll either engage in cleaning the cellar, to pass the time (and appear “busy” and “caring”) or I'll put it off for tomorrow... weather permitting. What-ever. For now... there's now and that's that. - 13.59 And... another day of not knowing what to do to fill the hours/pass the time and another morning is GONE! I tore-apart that “cabinet” at the w/d hook-ups, to make sure there are no entrances for mice... there are none. Then CLEANED the damned thing OUT... plastics and bottles and general shit. Fine... Moved on to the under-sink cabinet, put styro round the pipes, cleaned and bleached and threw away MORE shit! (The bin is almost full now... there's to be a trip to the dump come next week.) - Nothing but junk in today's post. “Good news” and bad... I'm still hoping to get a notice concerning the “Medicare” terrorists. - It rained just a schpritz, a little while ago and did nothing but increase the humidity. Gee... like we needed that. - And just in a passing notation: I'm coughing-up the usual “clumps and clots” of phlegm and mucous but there are more little “dark spots” of some kind in them. Thankfully, nothing “moves”. I'm not “concerned”... more “curious” as to what they are and what's actually going on “in there”. - So... the place is back in order. A Hoovering and perhaps a quick mop... later. - Bread and butter on on the counter, warming. Tea time! (And snooze too... Ill probably do that whilst waiting for the bread to warm, the butter to soften. It's ICK in this heat and humidity... Ah... August... schizoid! If not out-right “borderline”.) - 20.51 The sun's gone down, the night's gone peaceful and cool. GOT A CALL FROM DONNA THIS EVENING... JUST TO CHAT ABOUT STUFF AS USUAL AND REALLY HAVE A FEW HONEST LAUGHS! WHAT A PLEASURE, DELIGHT, THRILL!!! - In other news... out of the blue... videos of the humming birds from Theresa. - I told Donna about how I'm feeling about the responses to my art-works and efforts and she rather agreed: “texts” are inappropriate and we're the very same on the matter. So... I'm just letting it all ride along. Fukkem. - 21.01 Just in from closing the cellar. I was going to shower tonight but tomorrow (if I wake) I want to clean the cellar out. I'd also like for some-one to come check the furnace but I don't dare to ask such a thing (or I probably might should but probably won't and see what I can figure for my-self... being the idiot that I am). ANY-waaaay. “Binge-watched another “find” on Brit tele: “Just A Minute”. Cute. Entertaining. Just what's needed. - Will leave the cup-boards open for the night, to dry a bit more. Though the humidity is up again. - Tomorrow is “Bamazoon Shopping”... I hope. Coffee, in particular, and stuff in general. We'll see how it goes, trying to get free shipping and having enough left to live on for another month. - Trump signed some “Executive Orders” this evening... more “benefits” to the unemployed... they're still getting an additional 1600/mo., down from their 2400 and Soc.Sec. gets nothing and no mention of another “round of 'stimulus” money for the rest of us. Oh well. Fuck me, fuck us, fuck them, fuck it all. That would have come in handy for the truck, another tank of oil... and the likes. Gee... no frivolities (like a guitar?). I'm being sensible and “machur” about it and still fucked. - Oh... Donna tells that Dorothy's kids are useless to her. Daryl's in Amsterdam smoking his dope, Danny's got a wife who won't work and is always crying “poverty”. Lori's sucking in the benefits of some rich uncle on Mike's side. The grands won't do shit for her either. So she's got an appointment on the 17th to check her “good” eye. Nothing like waiting until... and still doing nothing to correct poor behaviour in the mean-while. Oh well. I told Donna about the time when I needed help with my car (when sister refused to help with registration and the sort). And the funniest bit was when she, Donna, told me that her son, Tony said, about Dorothy “She's got 3 kids who can help her out.” it was with reference to Donna saying that she would like to buy a used car for Dorothy. Imagine. Tony and I think too much alike. I'd like to get to meet him one day... but I know that's not going to happen. - And I'd really like to have a couple of drinks tonight but there's only enough vodka for one and I don't want to lose it now. Probably best I don't anyway, since I'd like to get to the cellar tomorrow and best to be “all together” for that. - So for now, it's off to brushing of the teeth and getting into O.Henry for a bit. I'm not “exhausted”, though I had only one snooze today. - The “mole” on the arm is looking ICK... The itching is still there... but oddly, it's “deep”, almost in the muscle. But it just might come off completely in the shower next... might. I hope it does... and then I hope it heals and is GONE. I wish the one in the arm-pit would go away completely but I just can't take the itching! So bandage on that before bed... since it's weeping. And the “thing” on my fore-head itches tonight as well. I'm leaving that one alone now. It started turning dark and I don't want a black dot on my fore-head. Oh... it's really all about curiosity right now, to see if this “Tea Tree Oil” shit really works. I mean, really... at my age. Shame, really, about the arm, because had it not been all “open” I probably would have gone to the river this evening. Well... there are hot... HOT days coming before the end of the month (in a couple of days, as the forecast tells). We shall see. I've gotten so little time in the sun these past 2 Summers. Shame... oh well... FUKKIT.
Sun.09.Aug:
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Mon.10.Aug: 9.03 Up at 6.55 and slowly, painfully, back, left side (kidney?) felt like a chunk of cement in there this morning... no wonder, really... 2 naproxen and a HEFTY v-ton before bed... 3 trips to the pee during the night, oh well. But, got right to the morning coffee, then dressed, then the jeans and a polo into the wash... out the door to re-fill the humming-bird feeder which was, amazingly, almost empty... in only several days. Next? The “Orvis” fleece into the basin... washed and scrubbed... FILTHY! That's now hanging on a hanger on the back porch where, on the drying-rack, the under-shorts and socks are hanging, with the jeans and polo. OK. The “back brace belt” got washed next. MEAN-while... it was about 8.05 when Ms. Suzie came rolling in. Subsequently, I've learnt (from our little chat) that she has “court” this morning... via “Skype” (since the “courts” are still closed... never mind... I'm fed-the-fuck-up with that BS... “flu” shit) so she'll be leaving early. “Custody of her 16-year old grand daughter”. She's bummed. Well then... down to open the cellar to find that yesterday's rain left the place quite wet... and right at the door to the cellar, a dead mouse! I've no wonder... most likely from the wall... where I sprayed the hornet spray. I'm sorry it had to die but... I'm spending too much time trying to keep this place clean (never mind, I STILL have no idea where my iron-on patches could have gone to... fuck). And as all this is happening, the “night mist” is clearing from the “morning skies” and the temperature is trying to rise and the humidity is hanging heavily in the air and today's post has been boxed (nothing for me... no news... good news... what-ever, not... I want to know about my “income” this month ESPECIALLY since “Avery” propane stopped by next door already this morning.. hey, I won't have the money for them so they'll just have to wait since I didn't ask for the delivery so... fuckit). And there we have it. In TWO hours I've crammed the entire day which is impressive to some, but now I sit, nicely scrubbed from last night's shower... and a day ahead to fill and pass. Can't do the bed linens today (which I'd like to get done) because there's no place to hang them. T-shirts are on the rods in the shower, the back-brace is on the side rail. The drying rack is full... and there's a hanger with the fleece, on a nail. OK. Let's see what else we can “stuff” into the day. Eh? I can't really care. It'll be what it was when it's done. Amen. At least all the “activity” has taken the “pain” out of my back... for a while. And today? “Double-digit Day”... August is passing... but still, 3 weeks until next cash income... and that's not going to cover the bills. Fine. Fukkit! - This too... shall pass... indeed... it certainly shall... and, so too, shall I, as all before me have so done, “world with-out end amen”... shit. - 18.13 Well... Had a little bit of rain and now the sun is blasting the house and the humidity is almost intolerable. Meghan just went down to the river. I won't go with this “thing” on my left arm. “Open wound” in water with leeches? Nah... no think so. - The day? Nothing. Took an hour's snooze until noon and from then... nope, nothing. - I did bake about 7 potatoes, had 3 for “meal” with franks. Planted 3 in the back garden. “Golden”... let's see how they do. They'd sprouted so... - Right now, not feeling all too “well”. Tightness in the chest and throat. Indigestion? Could be. Might be. Don't know. Can't care. - And as for the moment, the washing-up is done (of course) and all is as if nothing ever happened. - The humidity has been so high that the lavage is still wet! - And, as a note: Julius has 2 bags of garbage on the back porch and I've had to close that side of the house because of the stench. Should I speak on it? I don't know. If the opportunity presents... calmly, maybe. Other-wise, there's no sense. It'll only be fucked about and turned into shit. - Ms. Suze left at about 10.00 this morning and Ms. Crystal took the place. Ms. Biddybecky was obviously thrilled and made a comment regarding my PO v. Mail box. “He could've put a box up but he didn't bother to do that either.” She's a qunt. Really. But then again... they all are in that PO. (I'm not sure about Suze but... I don't trust her at all any-way.) - Just sent in the reading to NYSEG. I've no idea how I'm going to pay the 82$ come next month. But the fact is, I can't worry about it. - Planning on putting in a call to some-one... local DSS... tomorrow to ask, informing that I'll have to fail a payment on some-thing this month so I'll have to know which one... which depends on how much/little I receive from Soc.Sec. Depressing? Could be. But in my condition, there's no sense in “worry”. - So now we wait for the “shower hour” (quick one tonight) and off to bed again. IF there's a “tomorrow”, we'll deal with it then. Until that time... moving along until... - 22.23 Too much ice cream, too much Brit-stuff... and that's the end of this day. I'm off to the shower.
Tue.11.Aug: 6.47 and the bed linens are in the basin, coffee's in the press, Julius has gone for... and I'm sitting at the work-table having a moring halfie, well, not even really a “half”, my chest just won't tolerate the abuse this morn. Why? I've no idea; I was fine last night when the lights went out round-about 23.00. I heard the 5.00 alarm but didn't bother to even respond and got out of bed to pee (mostly) at some-thing-time after 6.00. And here I am, in my shorts and t-shirt having no idea why I even bothers to get open my eyes and take the next bloody breath. It's cool “out there” with traces of dew, and I'm “clammy” in here with my own “traces of dew”. The sun's coming up “golden”... that “Autumnal gold”, so it seems, and I'm in oppressive angst over not being able to make the bills come the end of this month... and have any... and I do mean “ANY” left for the following 4 weeks... which means there won't be any then either because THIS is the beginning of the “Sprial”... DOWN! - 6.53.... JOLLY! NOT A CLOUD IN THE SKY AND THE ELECTRIC JUST WENT OUT... AND... IN THE TIME IT TOOK TO TYPE THAT, CAME BACK ON AGAIN! AND ONLY LAST EVENING I SENT IN THE METRE READING. SUCH FUN! FUCK! - So... as I said... the “SPIRAL”... DOWN! - Well then... Okie-dokie. - Oh, and the 2 garbage bags are still on the back porch and this house smells of “dead some-thing”. SOME of it, I must admit, MIGHT be in the walls. I MIGHT have killed-off a brood of some-thing with the soaking of hornet spray in the wall down-stairs. BUT... the loo, kitchen... they're on the opposite side of the house... “back porch” side... and that's where the garbage is. I can't help but remember Joan saying that there was the cunt living here who'd pile the garbage on the back porch here, stuffed with disposable diapers along with the rest. Alas... 'twas bound to happen. (Oh, and not a single blip from the Champlain place... Oh well for that.) Anyway... there's that “lingering”, foul odour in the nose from some-thing... I've got the window fan on “exhaust”. And, oh yes... the fucking washing STILL isn't dry yet! THREE FUCKING DAYS! Humidity! JEEZUS! I don't remember last year, this time, I'll have to check, but this is insanity and annoyance and indeed, as is probably obvious already... off-putting(?)... no... more along the lines of “off-pissing”! Fukkit. No sense getting all painful in the chest over it all. The linens are already on the soak... so... I just need to figure a wash-line here... or not... or... - So I'm up and about and another day has commenced. Let's see how much farther along into a dark pit it can go from here. (Boundless and endless... I've no doubt.) - 7.08 Check on today's météo.. 14-16.00... 31° WITH HUMIDEX OF... 33°!!! NO WONDER I'M IN A PISSING MOOD! WITH, OF COURSE, “ORAGES”! OH WHAT FUCKING-FAB! (Anxieity-level on the rise.) - 9.30 The sheets are in the shower, the pillow-cases are n the rack which is in the loo, where the window is shut (as it that entire side of the house). Front windows are open, even the one on the pee-oh side. I've been to look under the back porch AND, with Maglite, the cellar. Nothing “dead” to be found so, the stench MUST be coming from the garbage on the porch next-door. Given the chance, should I see Jeff passing, I WILL “mention” it because THIS is shit! - Meanwhile, Ms. Crystal is at the pee-oh this morning, the “Becky Bitch-fest” was in full swing already and my patience are about gone. I'm feeling quite “not correct” and in a “mood”. Just waiting for 10.00 when I'll start phoning to find out WHAT the ACTUAL FUCK is going on with my income this month. (Truth? If there's no “stimulus” income... I'm fucked... and not in a “happy after-glow” fashion. May as well resign my-self... Rent, loan, and what-ever MIGHT be covered. Hopefully the “late charges”... well...) It's been quite a while... a LONG while since I actually “couldn't” pay my bills. I MUST keep in mind... “That too, has passed.” - 10.58 “Charming” morning... I got to ask Alvin and Jeff if it would be OK if I were to “double bag” Julius' garbage (with explanation). Tomorrow is Jeff's trash day but instead of offering to take it along, he said to tell Julius to bring it later. I explained 2 days of stench. Alvin thought the double bagging a fine idea, Jeff? Well... never mind. So indeed... - 11.25 Just off the phone with Jenn again... ANOTHER APPPLICATION IS BEING SENT TODAY! Again, she sounds positive about it all, offered 2 options and, well... here we go with trying to get copies of shit. But... this time I can print them? (If the ink holds-up.) I've RE-DONE the “Budget” and will be able to pay bills this month... but with about 9$/week left. AND NEXT MONTH? ANOTHER 5-WEEK GAP! I'M SO FUCKED. Still... it's better than it was when I woke this morning (and my chest is still heavy). - Stuff is on the back porch on the rack. I'm still trying to figure a “line”... if only I could attach it to the house, but I don't believe I should dare (yet... but it's coming... I need to stop being so “considerate of others”... fuck me). AND... I need to get into town for smokes... again. There's just enough for ONE pack in the VT account, the NY “EP” is down to 60... and that's on the loan. Here we go... Anyway, Jen says I'll be “re-imbursed” for this month's Medicare... that's an “if/when/if” all goes well. Still, that doesn't pay the immediate bills but.. Oh... who knows? I MIGHT be blessed with “death in sleep” mean-while (but, with my life-time, I seriously doubt such blessings). - It's getting hotter all the while. - Sent an e-mail to “Tess” yesterday with “hummingbird hints”. Never got even an acknowledgement. “Write-off”. No prob. there. - Now... to roll with the day. I need to make bread but the thought of it in this heat... not happy. - Oh... and the propane is about 70% so THAT'S a relief! I can shower! I MIGHT just go SIT in the river for a while later... just to do so. MIGHT. We shall see. Of course we shall... unless we don't. - 11.36 Reply from Tess... Thanks for the info and up-date on her health... not good... she's using a walker all the time. (Weight loss? Maybe? I think of “Dear Dot” too... another one. Oh... I suppose I'm being judgmental.) Anyway... - 20.08 Well... OK. It's BLISTERING HOT AND HUMID! So here we go... Meal was at 17.00. I mashed a few potatoes, mixed with garlic, salt, pepper, sour cream and it went wonderfully well with the franks. BFD. Ice cream after. BUT the Internet went out during the news! I thought it was ME but... nope... as I learnt on my drive into town for a pack of smokes... it was “Spectrum”. Well then... OK. - The bed linens are dry... I put up a line on the back porch today and it worked rather “well enough”. I was taking it down just as Julius came in. Had a chance to talk with him about the garbage. He said Jeff had already called him. WHAT A FUCKING OLD WOMAN THAT JEFF. But... then again... Dem. Never mind. Thankfully Julius didn't take offence. AND... my linens are waiting to be put on the bed! YAY! - As I say, I drove into town for a pack of smokes and chatted with the “Asst. Mgr.” there, great gal. SHE TOLD ME OF AN OPPORTUNITY: 10 DAYS, EITHER 6-14.00 OR 14-22.00, COME 14 SEPT. THEY'RE RE-ARRANGING THE STORE AND LOOKING FOR 20 PEOPLE. CASSEY'S GOT 2 THUS FAR AND SO... I DO BELIEVE I'M GOING TO TODDLE BACK IN TOMORROW TO DISCUSS WITH CASSEY! HEY! 80 HOURS OF EXTRA INCOME AT A TIME WHEN I'LL *NEED* IT QUITE MUCH. EVEN AT 10$/hr... 800$ EXTRA? I'LL TAKE IT. (Now all I need to do is keep me “well enough” in the mean-while... HAH!) So I'm a little “up” about that. - So I came back to the house, re-established with Julius about the garbage, that I meant no harm. None taken. Talked about putting a clothes line up on the back porches. He likes the idea and so... I have that to “plan”. Nice... I suppose. - Planted the “daisies” out with the lilies this evening. Poor things, don't stand a chance. But I can't keep them in the house any longer. Hopefully we'll get a bit of rain during the night. (We had a schpritz but nothing worth the effort, so I watered them... with MiracleGrow). Put some MG in the front boxes this evening and a bit on the kitchen garden as well. - THERE ARE 2 TOMOATOES GOING RED! THEY'RE QUITE LARGE TOO. FUNNY ENOUGH, THEY'RE AT THE BOTTOM OF A PLANT! THE UPPERS ARE STILL GREEN. BUT I'M CURIOUS AS TO HOW THESE WILL TASTE... The fucking Mountain Rats are out in Chris and Meghan's yard already so I'll be watching whilst awake. - And how, sweating here in the heat and humidity, maybe a bit more ice cream, see if the Internet is back, a couple of “shows” and to the shower and to bed... in CLEAN LINENS! - Tomorrow... it will be what it was when it's done. But I will go in and check with Cassey about that little job-thingie. WTF? Eh? - 23.19 As I was making the bed, prepping for a good shower (which I've taken), the clock read 20.57... WTAF HAPPENED? So, off to bed... nicely scrubbed and... we'll see what tomorrow brings... or not.
Wed.12.Aug: 7.21 and here I sit, at the work-table, not-yet-dressed, coffee and halfie, fan in the window, whites soaking in one basin, “greens” in the other... Blue skies with white tufts and green trees and the “morning commuters” rushing by. 'tis NOT a “quite morn in New Russia”, to be sure. Last night (this morning) I put the lights out at about 23.45 (and stopped the 5.00 alarm when that old phone read “0.00”) and fell into an immediate sleep and wouldn't be up and about now, had it not been for the need to pee. A naproxen before bed. A delight. And “the morning after” a naproxen before bed is so much easier to handle. Indeed... blood thinner. That said/typed/noted, though I wake with accounts teetering so closely toward an abyss, another weeks of harsh “austerity” ahead, there's some-thing rather up-lifitng about a potential extra income in September (the amount which, IF handled correctly, potentially provides for TWO tanks of heating oil, come the season, and, should there be the “much-chatted-about 'stimulus' income, well, 'twould be a delight on ANY morn, to think of being “comfortable” through the coming Winter. Ah... “Hope springs”... what a crock. But we shall see when we have seen. - Mean-the-while... I'll be hoping that the promised posted paper-works arrive today so that I can complete the forms, pop them all together and I'll need, any-way, to get into town for some-thing to call a “meal” this evening, MIGHT dip into the savings to make the trip a bit more worth-the-while and get smokes. Not sure, un-certain but as it is with all, let's face it... Kay Sarah-Sarah. And that's that. - (It's nice, not needing to quickly dress though, and to be able to enjoy morning coffee and halfie... “as God intended”. A trace of a “normal” existence once again... amen.) - 9.03 WELL! The washing is on the porch, some soc.med. got done but as I was so-doing, the touch-pad on the lap-top went out! Needed a re-start... but with a MOUSE! How I remember the days when I NEEDED a mouse... and this morning, it was so strange. Ah... “contemporary”. But can't help but wonder what's going to start fucking-up... and requiring even MORE money than that which has given me a morning of ... what-the-fuck-ever. - Ms. Crystal has arrived so there goes the next few hours. At least I can be some-what assured she'll be running for the horizon at the appropriate time and not malingering until noon. - On with the day. (I'm curious as to whether or not I'll get my “forms” today.... I doubt it.) - 12.00 20 cookies in the oven, 2 loaves of bread waiting... It's been one of “those” mornings... and “bakerie” is almost at a close. - *** AS EXPECTED, THE MEDICAID FORMS DID ***NOT*** ARRIVE TODAY... IMAGINE THAT (not difficult). - But I DID receive some sort of strange letter from “Express Scripts” asking for an up-date on my address... So... I rang the number on the letter to inquire, got some “Nina” who stammered through English (oddly enough, after I've been listening to a call-in on “l'Estrie” where folks are discussing the “bi-lingualism” issue in Québec again) and couldn't tell me the why/how about some “account” that she claims will be effective as of 1 October! So... I just asked her to note my “account records” that I'll just go to the AG and Congressional rep. and that the situation can be explained to them and they can explain to me. This is all annoying (and I'm annoyed easily these days). So much for the “serenity of the chest” this morning. - Oh well... at least baked goods will be made today. Now... it's almost too late to get to Cassey but I might just give it a try... in about 35 minutes... when the bread's done. A trip into town just for that. Oh well... good for the truck, I suppose. - 21.16 Well, 'tis time to wrap this day up and get off to bed. The chest is back to being a touch heavy, but no naproxen tonight... and no shower. Too tired and no need. If necessary, I'll have one in the morning. - Just had to un-install and re-install the key-board driver because the sticking got to be too much. Thankfully, it worked with the re-install and thus far, all's well. But tomorrow? Well... SO many possibilities for fuck-ups. - And tomorrow... FamDoll and trash and sadly, a transfer from savings to get smokes. And at the rate things are going... I might just fukkitall and get vodka. Not sure, but seriously considering. After all... I'm fucking for 2 months at the very least. Oh well... - So, on that note on this hot night, it's off to the loo to brush and off to O.Henry and hope for sleep. (Hope... for sleep... how pathetic.) - Oh, text from D. Her phone died and her Lori gave her another one. All her contacts are on the old and well... of course, she totally ignored my request for the recipe. There's a point where fucking rude just becomes intolerable so.. it's a bit almost like with Theresa... but then again... “women”... Never mind. the day's done. (Let's see if my paper-work arrives in the morning... eh?) (HAH!)
Thu.13.Aug: 5.49 Why? I've no serious nor sensible clue. But here I sit, finished first coffee, having a halfie at the work-table as the sun tries to rise o'er the Eastern hills. (SO fucking romantic!) Well? It WAS lights-out at about 22.00 last night, and I WAS up, of my own, at 4.00 (but didn't remain so). So? Here we go with another one of those... days. And this one, a bit on the “heavier” side as it's “austerity” at the door (and windows 
and round the throat). Alas. - On the agenda? A trip to Lewis (ah... Lewis), to the trash, to Tops (for more trash) and FamDoll (for employment... 16 days before the age of 60-fucking-five). Honestly, all this “Medicare” bull-shit just drains the “Will To Thrive”. How I remember that being referred to as a “Cause of Death”. I understand it now. - But enough. I'm going to “modify” the old back-brace with a bit of Velcro today, and obsess on the iron-on patches again, and hopefully get ANOTHER “application” for some sort of assistance, into the works again and... as always, we shall see how “productive” this day will be when it's done. (Wow, I'd really like a v-ton right now.) - Any-way... on with it. WTF? I'm mobile, and the coffee's steeping in the press. - 13.04 Been “episodic” most of the morning, but the “Medicaid” forms arrived, are completed and now I'm off to hit the road... uncomfortably. - 16.25 OKAY THEN!!! Jotted the note at 13.04, put on a pair of clean jeans, gather my shit and bolted for the door! First stop, FamDoll for smokes (*see later) and to chat with Cassey who advises to use the “on-line” (of course) application (I'll do that later). Next, up to the market and stroll to DSS to submit, AGAIN, the paper-work and to chat lovely with Cindy who will be 65 in December and is only just beginning to see what kind of shit Medicare pulls. SHE UNDERSTANDS! SO... that done, across to market for 2 pizzas, more ice cream, some beans, chicken and stuff. They HAVE the mayo with olive oil BUT... FIRST FUCKING INGREDIENT: WATER, SECOND? FUCKING SOY-FUCK-BEAN OIL! SO... I got a bottle of “canola” and another 18 eggs and will be “makin' mayo” at some point. Fine. And... AND... back to the house to prep and freeze the chicken, gather the garbage and away, away again! FUN SHIT! I NOW HAVE A LITTLE VERSION OF THE “HAY CART”! It needs a tyre, but I HAVE A HAY CART! WHAT, the actual fuck I'll do with it is any-body's guess but... I like them and I HAVE ONE! AND... a little “plant stand” and some wire screening (for mouse holes?)! A WONDERFUL day at the dump! SO... by 16.00 I was getting ready to “balance the books” when I noticed... Cassey charged me for THREE packs and I only wanted TWO! SO... back on went the jeans and the slippers and back up the road where... I now have THREE packs of smokes, that much less money but... “Betsy” offered to process a “refund” but... 10 DAYS!!! so I figured, I'll want/need the pack any-way so... here I am and that's the end of this day. - To be honest, my chest feels better. Inactivity is what kills. - Now... I'm just going to throw a pizza in the oven, call it “meal” and see whether or not I feel like going to the river... It's fucking hot enough! (I doubt I will though... it's “their” time of day to go and honestly, I'm still feeling “episodic” so...). - Meal time anyway. And the day was “productive”... sort of. -
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20.23 Had to re-install the key-board driver AGAIN! SO... this day is done! Took a snooze after meal (pizza and ice cream) and now, off to the shower. Tomorrow? Nothing, really, on the agenda. I'll have to find a new tyre/tube for the hay cart and can work on the little wooden stand, I suppose. Maybe try to mow a little bit of lawn. Maybe. - Had a NightyNight tea earlier. I'll just hope for sleep tonight.
Fri.14.Aug: 6.56 Well... how charming... the fucking key-board is fucking-up again, first thing in the morning. I grow so weary of this shit. - As for the hour, “What's the hurry?” And again, I didn't even hear the 5.00 alarm and so, woke of my own at about 6.-some-thing, following a night of sleeping through. Lights out after one story, nicely showered, at about 23.00 or so. So? So. Here we are. And I've already started to replenish the red hummie feeder. I'd like to put little perches on it but it involves involvement and I'm not really in a mood to be involved.. with any-thing, really. Not “ill”. Not really “tired”. Just annoyed with and about nothing. So here I am. (And this key-board bull-shit doesn't make matters any the better.) Then again, there's the matter of the iron-on patches, the Medicare fiasco, truck traffic on the main (the 73 should be open again today?). Oh well. We'll see how it all rolls along... tonight... when another day is done. But here we are and away we go. - 8.15 Just in from opening the cellar door and... as I came round the Southern corner of the front porch I noticed... 
THE CYPRESS VINES ARE BLOOMING! Ah... the “growing season” of the North... and the mountains. Late and short. Shame, really, that they didn't get to grow UP the columns, and that the other 2 groups haven't bloomed and that they won't have the opportunity to re-seed (though there are many other seeds still in the packette). Also (with the way I'm feeling at the moment, “light in the head”, “spinning” as is almost usual of late), a shame I probably won't be “around” or “in any state of condition” next year to plant more. Truth is, I truly don't believe I WILL be here next year (probably “taken out” this Winter... one way or another). BUT... for the year or two that I've been here, at least this old place has looked “cared-for” and “cared about”. I've lived my “dream”, not necessarily made “friends” but certainly did no harm to the place. And in spite of the nastiness of the little pee-oh attached, made it appear “presentable”, kept it calm, respectable. Margaret said it's been nice to see “curtains” in the windows. Folks have complimented the “flower boxes”. John Demings called me “Tidy Tim”. The corner has been colourful and neat. Even in Winter (last), the snow was cleared, the place, maintained. New Russia has been none-the-worse and perhaps a little “better” with my presence. And my obit will read “resident of New Russia”... a place little-known... “He died as he lived... solitary”. Amen. - And now we return to our regularly-scheduled program already in progress. - 9.05 Journals on-line are to-date. The pee-oh is open. Julius is making a wash and the loo basin gurgles. I'm still “episodic”. The sun is shining. I'm feeling “chilly”. The morning has rolled along. Now... to “busy-ness”. Or... what-ever. - 14.03 So... I started to repair the back-brace, cut the Velcro, stuck it on with it's own adhesive and then went to stitch it on and... needles won't go through! The adhesive grabs the needle and I can't force it with-out a thimble So there it was. Now, why I got the notion, I'll never know but, when Ms. C. left the pee-oh, I went out to the drive with a bucket of water and cleaners and scrubbed that little “stand” I got in Lewis yesterday. For some un-godly reason I got the notion to attend to more and so, attacked the kitchen garden and began weeding. Pulled-up some tiny potatoes, nothing much, probably just enough for ONE serving of potato soup, not even a salad. They're in a pot, on the boil as I type. So, that garden weeded, I headed to the back garden where the weeding was INTENSE! It's only been done once this year. But it's looking quite “attended” at this moment. Fine? Not hardly. Out came the mower and I trimmed the area behind Julius' place, almost down to the soil! Since the mower was mowing, I then did behind my place, around the drive, up the Hill side of the house and beside the truck. I AM DONE! Did manage to get some beans from the back garden as well and they're now in the “jardiniere”. AND ONE MORE TOMATO! - Météo says it's 26° out there in the sun, but I'm feeling like it's 36. The tightness is in the jaw and the upper chest. Yeah... shit's wrong, but I got the place a little neater. - And now... I'm going to try to make mayo. I put 5 eggs out this morning... and yesterday, got that bottle of oil so... as the potatoes boil... let's see what I can do before I drop. - Meanwhile... Donna called at about 12.20. Says she's going to the store and will call when she gets back.. I'm not waiting. - 15.36 OH KAY! Mayo (marnaise) in the fridge (and I almost took “the big one” beating the shit out of THAT, I tell ya), potato soup on the stove, the washing-up is done, dishes put up. G's music on the iPod in the kitchen and there's a touch of Hoovering to be done. My finger nails have to go. My clothes need to be washed. Tonight's “meal”: one slice of last night's pizza and potato soup (ice cream after, of course) and then? I haven't the slightest idea, other than to piss-away a few hours, take a shower and end another day. - 22.42 Very late again and TWO calls from Donna and the keyboard is fucking u p and I'm off to the shower and to bed... TIRED!
Sat.15.Aug: 9.05 Now there was a night/morning of “sleeping-in” if ever there was one... Yes, I had a shower. Yes, I did read a few pages before lights-out. I was, probably, under the covers shortly after mid-night. And yes, I did wake at about 7.37-ish (as I vaguely recall). I woke before then as well, but didn't bother to check the clock. But I didn't get “up” and out of bed until I heard the “tump-thump-thump” of that infernal towel dispenser in the pee-oh... at some time round 8.30! And I don't really give a shit, to be honest. For the most part, with one exception of memory, of getting up to pee during the night, painful, as memory serves, in the lower right back (kidney?) I did manage a night's sleep. Of course, I had a naproxen with meal, so that may have helped some. No matter. Here I am, sitting, un-dressed, at the work table, as it were, fan in the window, coffee at hand, had a smoke in the drawing room and the sun is shining, the town's quite calm, the curtains are still closed round the house and that covers it. Yep... that's it for the now. Feeling? Only just a touch “off”. And that's coming along now because I woke feeling “well balanced” (or some-thing of the nature). Oh well... it's another day. - Imagine, TWO calls from Donna yesterday. The last one was rather late, as I was passing time watching (half-watching) “HIGNFY” stuff. She'd called that time to get the postal code (why she suddenly wants my address is, well...) but, oddly enough, we got carried-away on all sorts of other topics. I was going to sit and write her today anyway. And as regards the address, she asked “So what's your name these days? 'Smith' or some-thing like that?” I was a bit taken-off by the remark and with the best control I could muster, told her “I haven't been a Y... for almost 35 years now. But I've come to tolerate being called B...” And when I told her that first, middle and last were all changed, she was surprised and then said “You wiped it all out, front, middle and back.” I told her that hearing that name, “his”, is, to me, worse than when I mention “Alvin S.” to her. THAT drove the issue deep. Of course, she used the old “But that's the way I remember you... it's hard...” So I was “understanding”, as it were, but not “forgiving”. And I told her “That's quite a lot of the reason why I don't keep in touch with many people any more. I just don't want to have to hear it.” I believe she understood. And so, there's why I want to “write”... with name and address, &c. - On the second call she told me that, these days, Dorothy has no driver's license, her phone died, she still has her week-end “puppy-sitting” gig but she used to go to the house on Friday nights, go back home during the day on Saturday and then back on Saturday evening. Now, her Danny fetches her, drops her off and goes back to get her on Sunday so she's pretty much stuck in some-body else's house for the week-end. I half-joked: If I were her, I'd just keep driving, as long as she doesn't have an accident; what can they do to her? They've already revoked her license. Donna says she won't drive because she seriously can't see out of one eye and has that cataract in the other and she's afraid she just might have an accident. Yes, I DO have compassion... but... kids, grands, great-grands, two people in that house (which, I'm to understand, she owns part of), miserable situations with Mike and Chet over a period of years... there was a time when leaving it was much easier but she chose to stay. And health? She's been over-weight, diabetic, pretty much (as I'm to understand) negligent about those. It truly is as I told her: If the dream is sincere. And I told Donna that I'd said so. Donna said it's very expensive to move. Yes, I do know that... 51 different places over the course of my own life-time, and 100s of miles between many. I just can't honestly muster the compassion. Maybe it's me, and I've just run short of it. I'm not “judging” really, I can't even care enough to do that much. - Oh well... time here and now is moving along. I've got a bit of washing (lavage) to get to this morning, and surely some-thing else will come along to “amuse” so, off to the rest of the coffee, perhaps to actually get “clothed” (how wonderful to be able to get up and not HAVE to dress again... it took a bit of re-adjusting but it is rather nice... ah, the mornings in Mountain Lodge, with Steve, bagels, coffee... SO SO SO LONG ago). So enough of this... and on we go. - 14.04 I can't believe how quickly this day has passed. The temperature is beautiful, humidity is low. A perfect day to hit the Roaring Brook... but... I'm SO “episodic” right now... floating, spinning, turning... wondering if this wouldn't be a great opportunity to take that hike up the brook, find a place to lay down and just let “Nature” take its course. I'm REALLY getting to the point of “resignation”... I'd go to the ER to have this all checked but I dread the “mask-wearing” bull-shit, the chance of some “Liberal” taking charge and sadistically making my suffering worse. Then too, the potential “admission” for any length of time, “exploratory” shitterie, and the insistence on any sort of “invasive procedures”. Time away from “home”. No communications with any-body of any sort of importance (cousins, mostly... who might want to know why I've suddenly stopped). Oh well. I'll just “ride it out”... again. - Mean-while... had a bit of “lunch” today... a tomato from the garden, home-made mayo on home-made bread. Quite nice. - And now, the fucking key-board is fucking again. I did the un-install and re-install last night before “shut-down”. This is annoying. - If I can hold a pen, I think I'll jot a note to Donna... after a bit of a lie-down. - 22.08 Well... another day has passed and gone. Another tomato from the garden is ready for “harvest”. I've a feeling I'm about to be over-whelmed (but I doubt it). I've had a mug of hot water and though I'm a touch “peckish” (as Mr. Maughn would say), there's nothing I really want and it's time to get to bed any-way. So, on this note... it's been a quiet day of a lot of soc.med. and tomorrow I MUST get to writing to Donna. (It'll have to be writing since I've had to un-install the printer and this key-board is fucked). - That said... off to teeth and bed!
Sun.16.Aug:
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| A HOME-GROWN TOMATO, ON HOME-MADE BREAD, WITH HOME-MADE MAYONAISE (I've come to this.) | |||
MEAN-WHILE... AS I WAS SHOWERING THIS EVENING, THAT MOLE ON THE LEFT ARM CAME OFF!!! IT'S GONE! AT LONG LONG LAST! THAT BLACK SCABISH LUMP IS GONE! FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS, MY ARM IS MY ARM AND THERE'S NO UGLY BROWN SCAB ON IT! Now... to get the little bit of “growth” from the left arm-pit and the “dot” on my fore-head! (As if any of it makes any difference, which it doesn't but now I'm more curious than much else.) BUT IT'S GONE! GONE, I SAY! GONE!!!
Now... to ice cream and tele and then to bed... I'm already showered. - 23.26 Pissed another too many hours away watching “tele” and now, on-set “episode” and time for bed.
Mon.17.Aug: 8.45 If you can believe this... JUST getting up and out of bed and I didn't want to be arsed with it even at this hour! I'm not “tired”, per se, I'll suppose that I just don't want to face another day. It's tedious. I'd much rather stay in the bed, under the sheets, and dream about things and places, better times of my own contriving, and breathing... with-out heaviness, which is across my chest even as I type. And this morning, I've got head-ache as well. I didn't have that until I got up and put the coffee on. And I'm noticing “pit odour”... went to bed nicely showered and clean last night, didn't do any-thing that would have caused such a thing last evening, but this morning... it's as if I haven't washed in ages... And a “zit” on the belly, along with all the little brown spots. Wow. I'm actually beginning to look like so many of my “patients” in the “Home Care” days. Lovely. Oh well... Truth is, it's not going to get better, only worse. So may as well just move along. It can be avoided. It's (I'm) OLD! And pains, dicolourations, discomforts and the inability to “do” is only going to get progressively worse. - Now, this morning, we'll have coffee (I've had less than a “halfie” already, in the drawing room, fukkem) and consider that trip to the ER. I don't need to know “what”... I just want to know “how much longer”. That's it. That's all. And the only way to find that out is... x-ray, blood-work... that sort of shit, things I can't do at home, at my leisure. - And I have to make it through this week until next week when I'll be paying bills, giving money to other people who don't really “need” it and being left with so little that there's really no sense in even thinking about the week that follows next week. So here we go, as I watch the clocks (all with different times) tick and click their way toward the 9.00 hour... and Monday will commence. Oh... FUKKIT! - 19.30 Finally, another day draws to a close. AND I'VE JUST COME IN FROM THE FRONT PORCH WITH THE COMPANY OF TWO HUMMIES! I boiled some nectar to refresh the “old” feeder today and apparently, even “measured”, it “passes”. I sat still whilst they both enjoyed quite the “nosh”. It does my heart (mind and spirit) the world of greatness, to see them back. - As for the rest of the day? Well... more shit from that “Express” drugs plan. The letter states that my “premiums” are covered so there shouldn't be any more deductions from my monthly pittance. And I re-budgeted... had to remove the “budget” for the oil at 75$ in order to pull me out of the RED! The NYSEG bill came today... ANOTHER payment of OVER 100$ this month! My actual usage is still about 35$ but the “budget” payment is still 82 AND there's an 84$ “balance due” on the massive end-of-year bill! It's killing me! But I'll be damned... IF I'm still alive on the 30th, there WILL be martinis! If not v-tons! I'm SO tired of this bull-shit. Truly tired. In fact, I'm SO tired of it all that I actually “snoozed”, on the futon, for over an hour today... having “accomplished” NOTHING all day. - Received a one-liner e-mail from Tess. She got an “honest and forth-right” reply with a brief account of my state of health and being. I expect a “sympathy” reply and not much else. Another one... off the books and out the door. I don't care. All that “You came into my life when I needed” and “you've been such an inspiration” and... bull-shit fuckerie. No prob. “Typical”. - And Donna rang, claiming that she stayed home all day, waiting for me to call with news as to whether or not I went to hospital. BUT SHE CALLED! AND THAT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME. When I told her that I'm just not up to having to tolerate all the “hospital bull-shit” she understands perfectly. “We're exactly the same on that.” We chatted a little while and she was off to the yard-work she has. - Then, I sat to “meal”... the left-over “potato-rice” mess and some ice cream. “The Five” was pre-empted again with a “Presidential” some-thing so I switched to my “Brit” stuff and that's what I've been pissing the rest of the day away with. - But now, the evening is setting-in, the temperatures are cool, my chest feels “OK” though my head's a bit on the “light” side. I'm not complaining about any of this shit. I'm just rather looking forward to getting back into bed. - Nothing on the “agenda” for tomorrow either. There's no money to go travelling, and no place I “need” to go to. (And a little bit of rain is starting to fall out-side so I won't need to water the garden... that's nice.) - O.Henry tonight and again, the hopes of a sleep-through in peace. - I DID take a naproxen with meal. My “plan” is to take one at least twice weekly for a while, thin the blood, in case there's some kind of “clot” happening. I usually feel better when I take one so we shall see. I figure Monday and Thursday to start and see what that does. If better, fine. If it seems another would be better, I'll add. If I feel worse, then I'll stop. And after this “trial”, I'll just have to bite the bullet and go find out what the actual fuck is happening. - Well, for now, back to the “Brits”. (Oddly, the key-board hasn't fucked-up through all of this. Let's run whilst all is well.) - 24.46 And... a quick halfie, brushing teeth and off to bed! Oddly, tonight I don't care what time I happen to wake “tomorrow”. I haven't set an alarm in the past 2 nights and I'm not setting one tonight either. And as for getting up at 5.00? I don't care one way or the other at this point. Hell... I don't care if I don't wake up at all. Though my chest feels better, though my head's a bit “light”. The naproxen makes a difference... and so does my “stress level” I'm learning because as soon as I'm not being “entertained” by some shit on-line (like soc.med. or the likes) my head starts spinning, chest tightens. Oh well... Pills and liquor for the 65th... unless I'm “taken out” before. I'm working on not caring what bills do and don't get paid... and testing which ones will go for a “30-Day” notice... Let's just see how it rolls... I'm fucking tired of all the bull-shit.
Tue.18.Aug: 10.39 I woke, of my own, feeling “OK” at about 8.35 this morning, got up and rolled into the “regular routine” of the morning with loo, coffee, Internet, &c., “taking it easy” as the pee-oh opened. Had a couple “halfies” in the drawing room and am just now coming in from checking the empty post box. The sun's been shining through some gathering clouds. The forecast is for sunny and about 26° but here I sit, with fleece on in the first “episode” of the day... again, seriously considering passing the day in the ER. The prevailing thought: “Do I REALLY WANT to know what the fuck is going on?” I mean, I don't even want to finish morning coffee this morning. And I can't help but think of what Donna said yesterday, as we chatted: It might just be some kind of “infection”... an antibiotic and all will be well. “Could be”? “Could be”. And the truth of the matter is, there's really nothing else on the “agenda” for the day. I'm in no shape to take to the mountains. “Chores” are up to where they ought to be. Money is so tight at the moment that adding to the debts really makes no difference. And the truth of the matter is: knowing a “prognosis” at this point would be better than not knowing. I could actually get to the business of “cleaning house”... there actually is so much that could be disposed of, were that in order. And if it's all that short... well... then the “debts” won't make any difference at all, one way or the other. Clean out the banque accounts so there's nothing left behind, stop the mail. Stop the “subscriptions”. Use what time is available to “wrap things up”. And now would be a good hour of the day to get things rolling. Yes, indeed... I suppose I shall, starting with getting this all posted on-line, then a shower and off we go. It's a lovely day to learn the “new Medicare system”... WTF? Eh? There's the plan... off we go then. -
15.56 FROM 12.00-15.30... IN THE LOCAL ER... CT BRAIN, X-RAY, LUNG, PA/LAT. CBC DIFF. RESULTS? EVERY-THING (EXCEPT X-RAY, OF COURSE) “WNL”. POSSIBLE CAUSE OF “DIZZINESS”: “VERTIGO” BUT THEY'RE NOT POSITIVE. NEED TO F/U WITH A Dr. Halloran ON TUESDAY WEEK TO ARRANGE A CT/LUNG FOR “PULMONARY NODULE”... UPPER RIGHT LOBE (OF COURSE). BUT THE OVER-ALL RESULTS? WELL... THE PA SAID THAT *ALL* THE TEST RESUTLS WERE “PERFECT”. SO THERE'S NO INDICATION OF ANY TROUBLE. ***BUT*** AS I WAS GETTING READY TO LEAVE, I MENTIONED THAT IT MIGHT BE “STRESS” AND CHATTED, IN BRIEF, ABOUT RECENT 
EXPERIENCES WITH MEDICARE/AID AND THE LOT AND AS I WAS SPEAKING, SHE COMMENTED “THE VEIN IN YOUR NEXT JUST POPPED-OUT.” SHE COULD SEE THE STRESS. SO... IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT I'M FEELING RATHER “SPINNING” EVEN AS I SIT HERE TYPING... THUS FAR, IT'S “STRESS”! IMAGINE THAT! A “CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH” AND A REGISTRATION AT THE LOCAL “HEALTH CARE FACILITY”. HOW CHARMING. BUT I MUST SAY THAT EVERY PERSON IN THERE, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE “ER TECH” WERE QUITE PLEASANT. THE “ER TECH” WAS CURT BUT WHAT I'D CALL “SUFFICIENTLY PLEASANT”. - AH... WHEN I GOT BACK TO THE HOUSE... THERE WAS A LIMB IN THE DRIVE! FROM A CHAT WITH ALVIN (imagine that), THERE WAS A 15-MINUTE TORRENTIAL RAIN-FALL AND APPARENTLY THAT BROUGHT THE LIMB DOWN... RIGHT WHERE JOAN WOULD HAVE BEEN PARKED, HAD SHE BEEN HERE! AND I MISSED THE ENTIRE THING! NICE “WELCOME HOME”.
That said (and it's now 16.40), I put in a call (left a message) to Donna and will see if/when she calls back. Doc. says I can take TWO naproxen daily if I'd like. Imagine THAT! AND... here I am... now on to more “financial juggling”... I want a fucking DRINK! Can't “really” afford but fuckkit! - 23.30 Late again... and don't care again... Well? I spoke with Donna, told her about today's adventure. - Had “meal”... pasta with black beans and a home-grown tomato as “sauce”. Quite good! Sadly, finished the ice cream though. But... there's a bit more on the FS for more... tomorrow (?) - 
23.40 Last smoke and off to teeth and bed! Imagine that. Another day is gone. Ah... tomorrow... sawing. Exercise. Then, try to wrangle enough for smokes and vodka! Not “enough” vodka, but some would be nice. There really isn't any money to be played with though. Hmmm... Anywaaaaay... enough of this nonsense. It's time for a snooze, before the naproxen kicks out. Another day... another day... another... And as I sat out on the porch, looking at the poor little Cypress Vines that really never stood a chance, and the geraniums that will be brought in for Winter, it looks like I'll be here longer than ... what-ever. Unless a blessing of some sort comes along. (Thinking, as my head starts “floating” about the kitchen again.) I wonder if my troubles aren't from my spine... pinched nerves and such. Oh well. I'll probably never know. Just get used to this shit. - OK. G'night.
Wed.19.Aug: 18.05 I can't believe that I've gone the entire day and didn't get any notes on today at all! Well! I got out of bed at about 7.05, did the coffee and a halfie and one thing led to another... I got dressed when I had no choice but to do so (at about 8.15-ish) and started looking at the paper-work that I have accumulating around the place. Next, got side-tracked with interest in creating an “expense sheet” spread sheet with percentages of what my monthly expenses are, so that I can spout them off if/when I have to do so with another idiot from some “helping” office. Some-how, and I still don't remember what happened but, the next thing I found me doing was going through the folders in the “file”... the plastic tote, and pulling files out, adding to, subtracting from, sorting through old paper-work from VT, including and NOT limited to notes that I'd made about all the work I'd been doing, notes from Ms. Jacquie, “thanking” me for “taking care of Hallie”. There's a nasty note in there from when she was away and Lyle wrote on the window of the door up-stairs. Any-way, I actually put the “radio” (phone) on in the living-room, connected the speakers and worked to that for a while. The next thing I knew, it was 14.00! So I finished the sorting, got back into the “drawing room”, attacked the boxes under the desk, sorted them all through and out, put ALL sorts of “papers” into a paper bag (ready to be burned or other-wise gotten rid of) and WHAM! 16.20! Time to prep “meal”! The day was gone, gone, gone! SO... spaghetti water went onto the stove and the rear left burner is now OUT! I have ONE burner on the stove. NOT good. But I put “meal” together and sat to The Five until 17.45 when Trump came on which is when I did the washing-up. - And now? NOW? I've had to transfer all but 10$ from savings to chequing to go get smokes (which I will do in a little while before it gets too dark) and I'll have to ring Alden to see what's to be done about the stove. The nights are getting cold, the days are cool, and “warm” foods are going to be called-for and here I am... on about a half a burner because the one that's left doesn't heat completely. - AND, IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT I'M NOT CONSCIOUSLY WORKED-UP BY ANY OF THIS... MY HEART IS THROB-POUNDING IN MY THROAT, MY HEAD IS POUNDING, MY EYES ARE BURNING AND IT'S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO BREATHE! “ANXIETY”? AGGRAVATION OVER THE WHOLE “65” ORDEAL? CONSCIOUSLY, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT BUT SOME-WHERE, SOME-THING IS FUCKING WITH MY ENTIRE SYSTEM. I'D SWEAR THAT MY BACK INJURIES ARE FUCKING WITH THE NERVE IMPULSES... AND I WOULDN'T DOUBT THAT MANY OF THEM ARE DEAD... ESPECIALLY THE ONES THAT CONTROL THE HEART. BUT... NEVER MIND. So, I'm off to town to get smokes (and nothing more because smokes will leave me with 3$ in the chequing, 10 in the savings and 7 in the VT account. WOW! Talk about “BOTTOM”! And when I get back... a call to Alden. (I wonder if he'll tell me where he gets his “appliances” and offer to let me get and then deduct from September's rent... NOT, mind, that I like that idea but... We shall see.) - For now... off to change into some “comfy” jeans (because these black Levis are a touch tight) and off onto the road... hoping not to pass out along the way... there or back. AND... that the card will get me 2 packs which I'll have to stretch over the next week until I get “not enough to pay the bills”... thanks to the fucking government... again. - 23.28 Ginger tea and finished the cookies watching “HIGNFY” and pushed my luck... feeling RUN-OVER right now and so... teeth and bed! - It's gone chilly enough to close window tonight. Here we go... (and I ALMOST put the heat up... but I don't dare, not with the windows shut... for the first run of the furnace.) - Oh... I DID ring Alden. He's got one of the “Hance” folk going to the house in Wadham to look to see if there's a burner over there. If not, he said he'd order one from Amazon and ship it here. Imagine? (I still wonder if I couldn't get a stove for 50 or 100$ some-where. I even told him that he right-hand burners are completely out but... never mind all that. I pay my rent. Fukkit. - Tired now... off to bed ... no alarms again tonight, to be certain.
Thu.20.Aug: 8.22 Was up at about 5.00-ish and decided “No. 7.37 is fine.” and dozed off until... about just that. Got out of bed at about 7.47 and am now dressed because the temperature in the bed-room is... (drum-roll)... 19°! this morning. Yep... “August” is running away. 'tis the season where I used to be, at this juncture, plotting and planning the annual “Northern Sojourn/Run-away”. But lookie here... I'm already “North”... AND “elevated”... AND “ADK” and all that. Yes, here I am, indeed. And, of course, for about the first 5 minutes or so that I was up and about, putting the coffee on and such, I was feeling quite fine. But now, dressed, with coffee at hand, in from a brief smoke... “Good morning heart-ache, here we go again...” “Might as well get used to you... hangin' a-round... Good-morning heart-ache... sit down.” Sinuses? Oh, there's ANY cause and no sense pondering. Just let it be. If the blood-work is fine, the CT is fine, the x-ray is as fine as could be expected... just let it roll. - Nothing to be done about much of any-thing at this juncture... nothing until next month. “August”... what a fuck. Bonjour. Here we go. - A little later, I'll “have at” the maple limb in the back. MAYBE I'll figure some kind of “cup-rack” for the nice coffee beakers that are on the kitchen table. Maybe I'll be inspired to make the chair with the wood in the garage. Maybe I'll just go back to bed. Who knows? We'll ALL know at end-of-day. (I could/should/ought/might roll into town for some dessert as well.) But for now... coffee and... After all, it's another day. No telling HOW we'll be fucked-raw THIS lovely, sunny, almost Autumnal day. Eh? - 16.08 So fine... I managed to “accomplish” some-thing today: I cut the felled limb and re-stacked the other cuttings in the back. Then I weeded the what-ever that is at the pee-oh shed. And oddly, as I was cutting the limb, Vivian called from their porch “You'd think Julius would have done some-thing about that...” Yeah, well... enjoy darlings. I “did some-thing” and when I'm not longer here or able, nobody will “do” again... as you're all so accustomed to. Never mind... I had my time in the sun and it's been a charming day. - And moments ago, I decided to run into the market for ice cream, franks, beans and juice. Went out with 58 on the FS, spent a bit over 20 and came back with 95 or so. Had I known... I would have gotten beef and made meat-loaf. Well, maybe it gives me cause to run the truck tomorrow. (I'm down to almost 1/4 tank and I don't like that but I have to run that “additive” through. - Nothing (again) in today's post. No word about the stove... but I've moved things about a bit and now have the 2 front burners heating. I TOLD Alden that the entire “eye” in the back is out but... never mind. I'll let his “folks” figure it out if/when some-body ever shows (and they probably will at a most inconvenient time...). - So here I am, sitting at the “droring table”, passing time until it's time to prep “meal” (franks). I've more tomatoes, mostly not quite ripe but... I'm grabbing before some-thing else gets to them. At least I got that much out of the “garden”, and tomatoes are supposedly good for the eyes. How lovely. - 19.17 Just chatting very briefly with Donna about the “mayo cake recipe” and her dogs are barking in the back-ground and such so that was that. I only wanted to ask her if the recipe she wanted was for chocolate... I'll send her the recipe... when I sit and write... this week-end. - Right now, having had 4 franks, black beans, fresh tomato and ice cream for meal, I'm TIRED! AND, I managed to get the 2 front burners working now. They're not “perfect” and they're certainly aged, but they work. Considered phoning Alden but... I'll never mind. I keep thinking how he's trying to do this in such a convoluted way... nice, considering his biggest gripe is that I pay rent “too early”. Oh well... never mind. - So I'm off to a bit of Brit tele for a bit, then a shower and then to bed. - Oh... and I went to the front porch for a halfie as I chatted with Donna and TWO hummies... came and hovered for a bit. I wonder if it isn't that I've been spending less time on the porch of late and that has anything to do with them not coming round much. Well... that and the coolness of the nights. At this rate, it won't be long and they'll be away for the season again. I'm going to miss them... terribly. - OK. Can't think about that now. Having a cranberry juice. Will have my Naproxen soon and then shower and to bed. My chest is “OK”... only just a little “uncomfortable” but... Naproxen will help, I'm sure. Hopefully... a full night of sleep ahead and tomorrow... no rush to get up. Lavage on the agenda and nothing more. (I'd love a v-ton right now.) - 21.54 Off to the shower at last! AND... message from the “Champlain Flat”... it's done... now I need to hope to have the chance to get up and at lease see it. I'm not precluding any possibilities. - OK. Here's hoping for a night of SLEEP!
Fri.21.Aug: 6.50 And... the Levis are hanging to drip dry in the shower, the whites are in the basin on the soak. Coffee's been had and a smoke in the “droring room” (oh, how O.Henry is remembered), and the sun is coming up in a relatively clear sky, and here I sit, in the Goodwill highs and I've no idea why I'm up and about at this hour of this morning. (Last night: “no rush to get up”.) I woke at about 2.00, light's gone out at 23.00, and decided that that was a ridiculous hour of the day to commence, so went back to “snooze”. Woke again at about 5.00 and couldn't see the sense in it so “dozed”. But when, at about 6.00, I had to pee... well... once up... and so here we are, on the “roll” and not at all thrilled about it. BUT... there's always “naps” through the day, I suppose. We shall see. Will have to phone Alden to stop the mechanics (if there are any) of the “stove”. I don't want to be bothered. It's not an “emergency” at this juncture. (I wonder what the place in Champlain is like... and I wonder how I'll be able to wrangle a move with current income... which I have to check on today, as well...) Other than this and that and so-forth... nothing of any great or grand urgency. - The roofers are back at Chris and Meghan's already. Well, it is noticeably warmer this morning than yesterday. Their day commences and here we are. - My... tomorrow is mother's yahrtzeit. 34 years. Imagine? Growing from the ages of birth to 34 years seems quite a while, and now, that same time seems like a mere week ago. “Time” is so strange. - Well, let's see what we can “do” with THIS day, at hand... and the rest will move as it does and will. For now... it was a sleep-through night, thankfully and now is now, then was then and then will be then when... - Oh, in one of my dozes I thought or dreamt or some sort of thing that my Twtr is “locked”. Lemme Czech. (7.40 nope... Twt's fine... BUT THERE WAS A CALL FROM ALDEN YESTERDAY THAT SKYPE MISSED! SO... there we have it. FUCK DU JOUR!) - 14.04 WHAT A FUCKING DAY THIS HAS BEEN WITH WHAT I AM NOW THINKING OF AS “MEDIFUK”! TWO LETTERS IN TODAY'S POST. ONE FROM THE STATE TELLING ME THAT THEYVE “DENIED” MY APPLICATION DATED 7 JULY (NEVER MIND THE MORE RECENT OF THE 13TH). THE OTHER, FROM 
LOCAL DSS ASKING ME TO CHOOSE A “PLAN” AND CLAIMING THAT I HAVE “EXCESS” INCOME OVER THE LIMIT! SO... I PUT IN A CALL TO “NATE” AT THE LOCAL AND THEN CALLED THE “OFFICE FOR THE AGING”. THE WONDERFUL WOMAN AT “AGING” ASSURED ME THAT I MOST CERTAINLY QUALIFY FOR THE “QUIMBY”, THAT THE STATE ISN'T EASY TO DEAL WITH DIRECTLY AND THAT I SHOULD JUST LEAVE IT ALL IN THE HANDS OF THE LOCAL OFFICE AND THAT AS OF NEXT SUNDAY, I'LL JUST ROLL-OVER INTO MEDICARE AND THE REST WILL SETTLE, INCLUDING A REIMBURSEMENT FOR THE MEDICARE TAKEN THIS MONTH. (I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR FROM NATE OR JEN NOW... BUT, FOR THE TMIE-BEING, I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE HORRORS TO COME NEXT WEEK. AND AS FOR THAT, I'VE RESOLVED TO PRETTY MUCH DO AS I WANT WITH WHAT I CAN “GET AWAY WITH” FOR THE SHORT TERM AND MOVE ALONG. THE COMMON ADVICE ACROSS ALL THE OFFICES IS TO STOP STRESSING. YES, I UNDERSTAND THAT, AS WITH ALL THINGS, THIS TOO SHALL PASS. BUT... ANOTHER ENCOURAGEMENT: “HEAP”? THE PROJECTION IS THAT THERE WILL BE, AS THERE WAS LAST YEAR (UN-BE-KNOWNST TO ME, DAMNIT), NOT ONLY THE INITIAL GRANT, BUT THERE WAS (AND PROBABLY WILL BE) *TWO* “EMERGENCY* ALLOWANCES, AND I'VE ALREADY BEEN ENCOURAGED TO GO FOR AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE BECAUSE... WHAT ISN'T USED BY US, HERE, “IN THE NORTH” WILL BE RE-ALLOCATED TO “THE CITY”! NO! NOT HAVING THAT! - So for now, butter and bread are on the counter and “tea” will be served soon. I was thinking of a trip into town for food but it's not necessary so that's out. - OH... SPOKE WITH ALDEN THIS MORNING AND TOLD HIM NOT TO BOTHER WITH “HANCE” OR THE LIKES. THE END? KEEP HIM INFORMED. HE ALSO SAID THAT HE'S HEARD THAT THERE WERE *TWO* DEATHS THIS WEEK FROM “COVID”. ONE WAS A GENERAL HEART ATTACK BUT THEY TESTED POST-MORTEM AND GOT “POSITIVE” RESULT. BOTH IN THE NURSING HOME NEXT TO THE HOSPITAL. IMAGINE THAT. SAYS HE, FURTHER TESTING IN THE NURSING HOME RESULTED IN 26 “POSITIVES”. HIS ADVICE? DON'T SHOP IN “STEWART'S” BECAUSE THE HOSPITAL AND NURSING HOME STAFF GO THERE AND TOO, PEOPLE FROM OUT OF THE AREA. HE ALSO SAID THAT HE SEES THE “YOUNGER PEOPLE” SITTING AND EATING AND SUCH AND NOT WEARING MASKS. WELL, OK. ALL UNDERSTANDABLE AND BESIDES, I DON'T GO TO STEWART'S ANY-WAY. - *** 14.58 UP-DATE ON THE MEDICAID *** JUST SPOKE WITH NATE FROM ABOUT 14.05-14.52... IT'S ALL *** SETTLED ***. THE LETTER FROM THE STATE TODAY IS R/T THE FIRST APPLICATION WHICH WAS, AS WE CAN SEE, REJECTED BECAUSE MEDICARE HADN'T KICKED-IN AT THAT TIME BUT... YES... I AM ELIGIBLE, WILL GET THAT “QMB” WHICH WILL COVER MY PREMIUM, I'LL BE BACK TO MY FULL SOC.SEC. AND REIMBURSED FOR THIS MONTH! - 23.22 Well... meal was franks and beans with 2 tomatoes cut and drizzled with the rest of the mayo. Ice cream after. The evening rolled with baking cookies, had with cranberry juice, followed by ginger tea and “HIGNFY”. A too-large bit of soc.med. and now... off to bed. No shower. Propane is at about 55%. I know what bill won't get paid on time this month. Too bad for them. - Had a HFO10z today, right after chatting with Nate. Have been feeling quite well since. And so, shower not really necessary. I note because, well... because it makes a difference in the pain in the chest. - Received a “courtesy call” reminding me of my “appointment” on Tuesday (which I will call to cancel on Monday... to be sure). If they don't have the last CT with the nodule, I don't want to be bothered (and billed) for another one. They have the x-ray. Leave it at that. (I've no doubt a biopsy is in their future.) Besides, I can use the alleged “covid deaths” as my reason... should I choose. - Okie dokie. The key-board is fucking again. Time for O.Henry.
Sat.22.Aug: (34 years... I can't believe it... and all the events are still quite fresh in the mind... well... most of them any-way. And to think it's been that long that, with the exception of those, perhaps, 2 years of residence in that house, connections with “that group of relatives” has been severed. Time... just goes by, indeed. Fukkit.) 20.00 and the day is done and there's really nothing of note to note save A BIRTHDAY CARD FROM DONNA ARRIVED TODAY! I got out of bed at about 8.-something, and really didn't want to be bothered, to be honest. It was another night of “contractions”, mostly in the right foot. (Yeah... but there's nothing “wrong” according to the butt-munch crew, once again, at the local house of ... “medicine”, as it were.) I was tired, but had to pee so, once up... the day rolled along with me accomplishing abso-fucking-lutely nothing. Truly. I pissed about the place, after a chat with Ms. Suzie who greeted me on the front porch as she was boxing, with: “Well! Hello there stranger. You never write. You never call.” so I suppose I'm not actually on the “Shit List” (or, I wasn't at that moment). So we chatted a touch about Medicare and the likes and such and she handed me the card from Donna and I came back into the house and that was that for the day... until “tea” which I had at about 13.30 and then snoozed until about 15.05 which was almost time to prep meal. WOW! A gone day! And it was PERFECT too! Nice sun. Just comfy-warm. Almost no humidity. I was in the midst of thinking it would be perfect to go to the river when I saw Ms. Meghan heading down so I didn't go. Oh well... there will be other days. (I need to stop thinking that... there might not be.) - So I pissed it all away... in the house... just moving about. - “Meal” was a quick throw of more franks and tonight, I sliced the last of the potatoes and made “crisps”. Of course... the tomato with. (I wish I could find a way to freeze or preserve them over Winter. They really are delicious and I'll miss them again... soon.) No dessert. I've just made a ginger tea and will have the last few cookies with some sort of “entertainment” before heading for bed. Was thinking shower tonight but I highly doubt it at the moment. - So today's “note of news”: Says Suzie, on Tuesday, the nursing home/rehab in town had a woman die of a heart attack. Post mortem, they tested for that “covid”... the results were “positive”. Apparently, in the following 24 hours, 2 other “old folks” died... both tested... positive... COD: covid... apparently not “associated with”. So of course, they went berserk and test-mad... 46 positives, 16 of which are the “care” staff, out of which, 3 deaths. SO! There's my out and away from Tuesday's dilemma with the “CT appointment”. On Monday morning, first thing... a call... “I'm not risking it.” (I've half a mind and might even add “Thanks to the continuing Cuomo death rate in nursing homes”.) Phew! Another disastrous encounter dodged. Seriously, first of all, if they don't have the old CT they can't compare this one with any-thing. Secondly, and as important, I'm on “Medicare” and I most seriously doubt they'll “do” much about much any-way... other than charge for shit, get paid and toddle away. So no, I'm not going to be bollocksed. Besides... I have to get to Champlain this week and need the gas for that trip. So fukkem. - And on that note, the sun's gone down. I spent some time with FIVE HUMMING-BIRDS ON THE FRONT PORCH THIS EVENING!!!!! earlier and now... 'tis time to toddle to the wrap-up of the day. Tomorrow is Sunday and nobody on the front porch at sun-rise. Let's see how THAT manages to work out... with “sleeping-in”. I've nothing on the “agenda”... HAH. - Meanwhile... gee... 34 years... I had a yahrtzeit candle from a long while ago, in the house and lit it this morning. Just put it out. Even out, it serves its purpose... I suppose. Shame, really, but the realities of those years have just literally murdered the “kinder” sentiments. I've lived long enough to have come to the realisation: Even with the early graduation from high school... that was, more likely than any-thing else, a way to get me out of the house and out of town quicker... she probably told the school and board of ed. “If I don't get him out of the house, he'll kill him-self and think of the stigma that will put on the other children.” FUCKING BUNCH OF QUNTS”... that crew. Well, as I say... I've lived long enough to face and confront the truth. Tough shit mother.) - 23.32 Time to quit this shit.
Sun.23.Aug: 9.16 Although I have NO idea why I bothered, I woke at about 7.-something or another, laid in the bed trying to convince me that it wasn't necessary to get up but... at about 7.30-something, I did... put on the coffee, had some, went to the loo where I “browsed” the daily soc.med. and météo (rain... pretty much through the day ahead), then reluctantly got dressed, refreshed the humming-bird feeder and hung it on the porch. Every action, this morning, is “reluctantly”. I just don't want to be “involved” with the day at all. I've “notes” I want to jot to keep with the “Medicare” bull-shit, but I don't want to even be aware of that shit. I DO want to write to Donna, but I've got a million excuses as to why I don't want to “write” and as many as to why I don't want to “type and print”. They're not really “excuses” and not even “reasons”... it's all a matter of the “involvement” with the time, the day, the “being”. I just don't want to be bothered. So much so that, when I'd put the kitchen back in order and such, I stood, contemplating getting un-dressed and going right back to bed. I “could” go to market today, but the fact of the matter is that I don't even “have” to do that either. I don't “have” to “do” any-thing at all. And it's a damp, some-what chilly morning, grey... the idiots with their kayaks and other “sailing vessels” are passing on the Hill, going toward Lincoln Pond. Motor-cycle caravans are passing from the pond and down the main... even in the drizzle. And there's that “lingering doubt” about going into town, not knowing who/what's roaming about... potentially “infected” with all sorts of shit. Oh, and alas... I'm in one of those “over-whelmed” moments where even the need to pee is just “too much”. Well? If nothing else, I'll just toddle and roll along with the day. - Oddly (or not, really), getting dressed adds to the “heaviness” of it all. The memory of all of that furniture that I went to such lengths to carry along, and the clothing, the art, the photos, every-thing of 50 years that I gathered, with care, joy, giving up some-thing to get some-thing... I can still see that U-Haul in the drive, that sunny, Sunday morning, parked in the drive... PACKED... after a some-what leisurely breakfast in Pine Bush. Gone. Bed, futon, floor lamps, CDs, books, linens, sweaters, jeans, shirts... gone. “I'll help you with this.” said the little qunt. Gone. It''s particularly difficult at this time of year when the days turn cool and the nights, chilled. Sweaters, robes, heavy socks, afghans, throws and blankets, pillows... the stuff that makes the chilly season a bit more comfy. Gone. (And just last night, before putting the lights out... AT mid-night on the mark, by the way... I thought: I've passed an entire day with-out an “episode”... and now, as I type this, the room starts spinning, my head takes to the ceiling and floating about, my sinuses feel as though they're “filling”, my stomach goes round and about... Hmmm... stress and depressions. Yep... I'm doing this to my-self of late. I “think too much” and “always on the negative”. 'tis true. Once upon a time, such things were a “challenge” and I looked forward to ploughing through such things... to “prove” to my-self that precious little or nothing can stop me. Hah! THESE days, all it takes is a thought... and not even a conscious thought at that, and I'm a mess... gone all “ill”. WHAT the fuck has happened to me? I'm “thinking” my-self into “invalidity”. Dumb-arse.) OK. So there, that's noted. I have to pee again, this morning's “journalling” has begun, and the time is passing... gone beyond 9.30 already. “Meal” time isn't far off... the rain is coming a bit more and tapping on the tin that I'd put on the cellar shed roof. It “should” be “romantic”... it's just annoying. But there's nothing to be done about it now (there's a stack of roofing shingles in the barn... at 5199... “LOL”, as they say... and last evening, as they passed on their nightly stroll, I mentioned to Vivian that I'm interested in taking some “scrap” from Chris and Meghan's roofing job, she offered some shingles that they have in their cellar, Alvin commented and Vivian just snapped “He can have them.” I don't want theirs. “Scrap”, at this point, is perfectly fine. People just insist upon making matters more involved...). One of these days... maybe I'll have the resources needed to “keep busy”. Well Hell... the “health report” was that all the “tests” were “perfect”. I suppose I won't have the gift of “lay down, close your eyes, drift off to sleep and just not wake up”. Nope. Too easy. There are more stairs to be thrown down, more beatings with belts and buckles, more fists to the head, stomps to the chest, spit in the eyes... the “hate” lives on... it's the “energy that surrounds”. - I need to pee. Fukkit all, really. Just “move”... “Carry on”. - 23.06 Done it again... pissed-away another day (though another 2-hr10z but not HFO oh well). Started looking (again) for the iron-ons and, well... the day rolled by into “meal” which was salmon in eggs, a “crook-neck” squash (compliments of Vivian... who brought 2 and a certainly not ready to be picked “Summer” squash... imagine that!), tomato(of course) and bread with butter, sugar and cinnamon after. Meal commenced at about 17.15 and by 17.45 the washing-up was done... right down to dishes put up. Since? Bollocks fukkall. I've NO excuse for being up this late AND I'm going for a quick shower before bed too! OK then. - I did get to “chat” with “Megan” (of Eric and Megan... not Chris and Megan) about getting some of the scrap from their roofing job. WOW! “Alden should be doing that.” says she when I told her I want to repair the cellar shed. AND... she was quite curt (or qunt) about not being helpful or “neighbourly” at all. SO! Considering the eccentric personalities of New Russia... that's one I'll have nothing to do with from now on. (More reason to look into Champlain?) - I've already gone through Monday's allotment of smokes but will try to get rid of some quarters at FamDoll tomorrow morning when I go into town to drop the “Medicaid” form off and get some dessert... “groceries”. Thankfully, 3 coffees, 2 salmon, 2 juices and a creamer will be delivered Friday (I hope... unless the idiots do the USPS switch shit again in which case... no telling... it'll probably go to Lewis). - So tomorrow, there's some moving about to be done. Fine. - I'm tired but not tired but am heading to the shower now. Sunday's done. - Oh... took a Naproxen too. Hopefully a peaceful night of sleep ahead... in spite of the heat and humidity which has returned. - Ah... wasted time. Why bother?
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Tue.25.Aug: 7.15 Good news: I slept from mid-night (again) until about 6.35-ish. Feeling none-the-worse this morning, though the “congestion” in the chest is returned after being gone or simply “clear” for a few weeks. The “not-so-good” news: I'm awake at this hour and have NO idea why I'm up, dressed, in from a smoke in the back yard where I had a look at the birch bark and the tomatoes (since that's about all there is in the “garden”) and there truly is “nothing” on today's agenda, in anticipation of tomorrow when, AT LONG LAST... a pittance will be posted to the account where it will set for all of 10 minutes as bills get paid (I can only hope). And, oh yes, there was a “DREAM” from which I woke this morn:
I can remember how it began or even IF it began but here are the particulars that remain in mind. It was, or so it seemed, one of those nights when/where I'd been at the bar and had an “I don't give a shit” binge and had “gone home” with some-body. Although, WHO I'd gone with wasn't at all clear. I'd woken already (as I recall the dream) in a flat or house of 2 fellows a bit younger than I and it seemed that the “other” had “brought some-body home” as well. The place was an absolute mess, disastre, clothes and all sorts of every house-hold item just strewn about the place. Utter and absolute chaos all round and not at all “clean”. There was dust and grey “soot”, as if from a wood-stove or some-thing on every bit of thing about. We'd all gotten up and started to “gather wits and belongings” as each one prepped to start a work day, each of us trying to focus on finding “belongings”. I was looking for my shoes and socks which were, eventually discovered behind a chair, under a stack of clothes, and where the socks were considered, I wasn't even sure they were actually mine and not some-body else's but I needed socks and just went along with the fiasco. The other “house-guest” didn't speak to any-body else, at all, just wandered about the hysteria gather his what-have-you. Mean-while, our “hosts” were animated and chatty, as if neither of us were present. What I found a bit off-putting, both of the young hosts were putting on lip-stick and all sorts of perfumeries, though dressed in regular, masculine “office-casual” attire. I had NO idea what they did for a living but really couldn't care about it because I needed to get MY belongings and get out. As I was looking for my keys and some sort of some item that I needed that oddly went with the keys, some sort of metal item that, in the dream, was necessary to use WITH keys, I had to blow light grey soot about and flick all manner of bits of paper and baubles about on a table or some sort of surface. It was disgusting and I thought “I stayed the night in this?” And I had no idea WHAT had transpired during because I was drunk/stoned/some-thing. As I looked about, one of the “hosts” came over to me, snuggling rather romantically, put his arm round my neck and began almost “passionately” kissing me, with open mouth, lips heavy with a red lip-stick, hi bottom lip on my chin. “This is going to leave a noticeable red smudge on my chin!” I thought. “What's the purpose? To make it obvious and known? I have to get to work!” When the other young host noticed the moves, it all stopped with giggles from both of them and we all continued, in the mayhem, to gather our belongings (and trying to gather our wits as well) to leave. And then we were all out-side, in the street. It was a neighbour-hood of sorts, in a rather rural little “European” sort of village. Rather over-cast, the sky being that same sort of pale grey as the soot in the flat. People were all about, on the move, as it were. I had the feeling they were all aware of the “goings-on” of the flat where I'd spent the night and none were approving. In a moment of panic I realised that I had to be to work at 9.00 and it was, already, past that hour... and... oddly... in the dream... I worked at the post office, a small office, some distance away! I wasn't “appropriately” dressed, having come from the “club” the night before, spent, no doubt, a night of relative “debauchery” (which I STILL couldn't recall), I wasn't even sure that the clothes I was wearing were mine since it had been a matter of “Get dressed! Get out!” this morning. The “party of 4” from the flat were all gone along on each one's separate way and there I was, in this “crowd” of people, in a bit of a panic until I thought “I just won't go to work. I just won't show. I'll go home, get out of these clothes, bathe - seriously and severely - and just go in tomorrow and see what happens...” And at that point, I woke up.
Now, what brought that sort of dream on... I've no idea. But there we have it. - And so, this grey morn... and indeed it is... the grass is wet, the roads are dry, it seems the sun is “”trying” to shed some light through the cloud. It isn't “cold” nor “cool” but it isn't “hot” nor “warm”. The fan was running when I woke and has stopped so I've turned it off. Météo claims 24° and high of 25 for the day with a touch of cloudiness. DOWN TO 8° TONIGHT. Highs of 19 and 18 for tomorrow and Thursday... HERE WE GO! Into the “Northern Late Summer”! And SUNDAY: Matin 14, Apres-midi 19, Soir 15, Nuit 10, 40% chance of rain through. Oh well, no prob, so be it. (I'd like to just be blind drunk all day any-way.) - There we have it. Second coffee at the wait and... let's see if I can't figure a way to make a bit of a “shade” with the birch bark... or some-thing clever and... It's another day... and ... it's another day. - I wish I knew why I'm sneezing and my nose is running this morning. - 7.59 And just when you thought... as if I haven't been thinking any-way... AVERY PROPANE has JUST rolled up the road and is now filling the tank. Will they get paid tomorrow? I doubt it. The last time I checked, I was at 55% which is more than I can afford this month so... I just don't have the stamina to deal with it and so I won't... but we'll “let's see” when he leaves and I have the bill... and “let's see” is as far as it will get today. (Oh my... it took less time to “fill” the tank than it took to type these lines. Hmmm...) - 9.28 And the day rolls on and the propane bill is only 35! (32 if I pay with-in 10 days... which will still leave me with about 14$/week the coming month so I'll have to “ponder” a while...). HEY! At least the budget forecast isn't “red”. But OH! That 144 would be SO welcomed! Now... to “work the logistics” for a bottle of vodka tomorrow.) - Just had a “chat” with Suzie about all this “CT” shit... come to learn, she had her “surgery” 20 years ago. Imagine that. But, it's been made clear: I don't want another 20 years. Shit, I don't want another 10, really. So it appears she's a bit “disgusted” with me and my “opinion”, as she referred to it as. Well? It's MY existence so... we leave it as such. - And now? Last coffee and we'll see where the day goes from here. - 15.15 Pissed-away another day... Tore the “storage area” in the “droring room” apart, re-orged the boxes and all the shit in there, put up a bit of a “shelf” for “paper goods” (if I can ever afford any more)... looking for the iron-ons which, at this point, one can safely say, are in a land-fill some-where. I can't care. Took a 45-minute snooze and have just Hoovered the house (again). - It rained most of the day. Quite heavily at times. But the sky is clearing, the sun is glaring and the heat and humidity are intolerable again. Charming. And me? I'm having a tea before meal which will be before tidying and then off to a shower (since there's gas a-plenty) and to bed... again. Tomorrow? Fukkit. Really. We'll see how “irresponsible” I want to be when it gets here. For now... it's “tea time”. Fukkit. - 22.04 WELL! Had meal (franks, black beans, pickled garden beans, ice cream) and was ready for beddie then already but... managed to stretch the time until about 20.00. Ah... but then noticed a call from Donna, which came in when I was closing the cellar door. So I called her back and... we just got off the line!!! So much for “early to bed” again tonight. No prob. It's always great talking with her. (I still need to WRITE though.) - And since this whole ordeal with the Medicare is still eating at me and my “budget” for this coming month (tomorrow morning) is all fucked-up to the point where not only can I not get a “beverage” for Sunday, I can't get gas for the truck either (never mind paying for another inspection) NOR a trip to Champlain (which I'd like, very much to do any-way)... I just did a “solid look” at my NYSEG bill to discover... I have a CREDIT to my favour for 49,81$ from last month's bill! WELL! Tomorrow, I'm going to play the “DESPERATE” (“MD appt. because of trip to ER”) and see if I can't get them down to about 60 or 70$, using the credit and paying current usage (at 34 exactly) and either the “Budget” of 82 or the remaining “Payment Agreement” of 85,13. Hey... It's all that “50/50 Yes/No”. Don't ask? Don't get. I'm sure there are more people who can't even afford to pay that much. AND, I can “catch-up” next month... especially IF my “Medifuk” is covered. So, it's a better night over all. - Meanwhile... 9° is “blowing in” as I type. The sky is clearing but the wind is almost howling. I've got the windows closed (but the fan is on in the bed-room for the moment) tonight. It won't be “hot” tomorrow but it won't be cold either so that's a relief. Still... this *SINGLE-DIGIT* TEMPERATURE... Oh well... there's a full tank of oil waiting so that's a bit of a comfort (if there's any comfort to be had). But for now... before it goes for mid-night... I'm off for a half-smoke and a shower and to bed! Tomorrow is “Money Gone In A Moment” day and a “Boo-hoo Me” with the electric company. Let's see how “Nooyawk” I have to get with these folk. Eh? And if all goes well... gas for the truck (and for me for Sunday) and a plan for a trip to... THE BORDER! - (I'm gonna be SOOOOOO FUKD! I'm sure.)
Wed.26.Aug: 6.36 I've no idea why I'm up, dressed, in from opening the cellar door, almost done with first coffee and sitting here typing. But is surely beats getting up when I woke this morning... at 4.45. Lights went out at 23.30 last night and I slept right through to wake, on my own, at 4.45. One look at the clock, the word “No.” came to mind and I tried to go back to sleep but.. at 5.55, I had to get up to pee and, well, the day commences. The ONLY bit of this morning that gives even the slightest bit of “joy” (Oh, that'll be “rectified” shortly, I've no doubt) is the re-calc of the “budget” and noticing that I'm already almost 50$ OVER-paid on the electric AND the notion this morning that I have a right to drop this “Budget Payment” issue with them which, according to my actual usage, would cut my monthly bill by 50$! YAY ME! So.. it's time to check the banque, see what kind of fuckerie Soc.Sec. has pulled and “sally forth” from there. (I've always wanted to use that expression... “sally forth”... must look that up.) - Julius is stirring... “Thump, thump, thump... “ - 9.40 Well... the morning is running along... RUNNING... Rent is ready to go. Inet and phone are paid. Even Avery got paid this morning. A “call-back” has been left with NYSEG. AND CASEY, FamDoll, CALLED TO SAY THAT THE APPLICATION WAS RECEIVED AND I'VE ALREADY SENT IN (e-mail, of course) MY PERMISSION FOR A BACK-GROUND CHECK! (So it looks like I'll be working for 10 days ... in two weeks, how charming... a bit of income, “late” but better than none at all.) - And yes, because of the NYSEG BS, the room is “moving about”, but, thankfully, the chest isn't being “crushed”... yet. And the sun is shining, the breezes are blowing, the temperature isn't bitter cold (yet) and I'm finishing coffee. On the “down side”... for some reason, ComBanque isn't allowing me to log into the account to verify the amount paid to Avery. Probably the bloody shit with the key-board (which appears to be working well at the moment but...) So.. time moves, I move, bowels move, shit moves... and... so too, the day. - 10.35 ALL OF THE BILLS ARE PAID!!! IN FULL!!! DONE!!! AND... THERE'S STILL MONEY IN THE BANQUE!!! I'M NUMB FROM SHOCK!!! AND... I'VE CHECKED TODAY'S POST AND THERE'S NOTHING IN THE BOX!!! NOTHING!!! AND I'M JUST NUMB!!! I *NEVER* EXPECTED THIS!!! AND OUT-SIDE, THERE ISN'T A CLOUD IN THE SKY TO BE SEEN!!! INCREDIBLE!!! I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO SHIT OR WIND MY WATCH!!! (Thank you Moe.) NYSEG “Budget Billing” is off... bringing my monthly bill DOWN by 50$! The entire bill is paid, in full, to-date. The ONLY draw-back at the moment is that the on-line access to the VT account is fucking-up so I can't “verify” payments made. But... - 11.03 WELL! Thanks to the fuckerie of the fucking key-board on the fucking lap-top due to fucking Microsoft... I'd “locked” my-self out of the VT account and had to call the banque to re-set the fucking pass-word! BUT... as of this moment, the pass-word is changed and the account is BALANCED and I'm DONE with this morning's fiascoes and the bills ARE PAID IN FULL and... again... can't decide whether to shit or wind my watch. But... now I get to put all the “papers” away and move on... as I pray that the folks who “code” all the Microsoft bull-shit AND the shit-bags who make cheap-assed lap-tops for Dell suffer SOME-thing... SOME-how because, let's face it: They MUST know that they're fucking-up and fucking-around. Leaving that as it is... I've things to do and so... should get on with them. Yes? Yes... indeed. (I need smokes.) - 11.21 HAH! INDEED... IT ALL WENT ENTIRELY TOO WELL THIS MORNING... SO... JUST NOW, AS I WAS PREPPING TO GET UNDER-WAY... TAKING THE MANDATORY “PRE-DEPARTURE PEE”... A “MAL-ADJUSTMENT” AND... YEP... PEE'ED ON MY JEANS! SO... THEY'RE NOT IN ON THE SOAK. Well? We'll just have to accept that there must be a “reason” and... all other “affairs du jour” are postponed... for a bit. Alas... fine. - 12.55 HAD LAID DOWN ON THE FUTON TO TAKE A WELL-EARNED AND WELL-DESERVED SNOOZE AT ABOUT 11.55, ALARM SET FOR 12.45... DOZING AWAY WHEN... THE FRONT DOOR OPENS AND A BLONDE WOMAN, WEARING A FUCKING MASK, STEPS IN!!! “OH! I THOUGHT IT WAS THE POST OFFICE. SODDY.” SAY SHE! FUCK! JUST WALKED RIGHT IN! ALL I COULD THINK OF TO SAY WAS “THAT'S WHAT THE SIGN IS THERE FOR!” JEEZUS KRISTE! NOW I MUST MAKE SURE TO KEEP THAT FUCKING DOOR LOCKED! If I were to have a heart attack, THAT would have been the moment. Back SUV with Jersey plate! Moron. I hope she thinks I was laying in here ill. Dip-shit! - Meanwhile, the little bit of lavage is on the rack out in the breeze and sun and I'm having a tea before hitting the road. I need gas for the truck and some items (like vodka) and I don't want to go to Sunoco but I don't want to go to Westport and pay a fortune for Mobil. And going to Moriah isn't attractive. I'm just rather beside me with uncertainty. Oh well... no rush. - It would be a grand day to clime “Iron Mtn.” but I'm not in a state for that either. It's chilly “down here” so I'm sure it's much cooler up there, not to mention the wind. So? So... - 18.35 (with particulars filled-in on Thu.27.Aug: 16.03 from the bits I managed to toss in....) SO... at about 13.00 I decided that I'd take the truck into town, grab a bottle of vodka, put some gas into the truck, being down to a quarter tank, stop at the market for “dessert”, if nothing else and then come back... HAH! THAT CERTAINLY TURNED: To begin with, the liquor store was CLOSED when I got there. So... I wondered where the next nearest store would be and figured Westport or there-about. Turned round at the liquor store and went across to the Sunoco station where, as I pull up to the pumps I see a large sign NO GAS SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE!!! WTAF? I'd be DAMNED if I'll piss away money at the Mobil in Westport so... I just decided that I may as well enjoy the BEAUTIFULLY PERFECT DAY and drop in at the reasonable Mobil in Port Henry! And so, along the 9N we rolled, windows open and in the silence of the day. Yes, indeed, 25$ at Port Henry Mobil and just up over a half tank (10 gals of the mid). Well? I was in Port Henry, had gas, time to look for vodka! I figured I'd drive along and if I got to Ticonderoga, I knew there's a liquor store down there, so as I drove along I looked for a store closer. (I learnt, on the return, that I'd driven right by one at the corner in Moriah but...) Ah well... I actually made it all the way to Ticonderoga... got to Montcalm and the “circle” and dropped into the liquor store to find... the 750ml bottle of Smirnoff there is almost 30$!!! JEEZUS KRISTE! DOUBLE the price in Elizabethtown! FUCKERS! But for the same price, “New Amsterdam” vodka... in the 1,75l. SO? As I recalled, Liz and I tried it when it was first introduced and it wasn't exactly to liking, but the price and quantity at this moment were best so, with “New Amsterdam” in hand, I toddled out the door thinking it a lovely experience... to have shopped in Ticonderoga and to have learnt a new place. Spiffy... On to Walmarde where my main issues were another humming-bird feeder and seed for the back feeder. Ah... yes, I got the seed, NO, not a single humming-bird feeder, BUT THEY HAD A 2-PIECE WHITE FUNNEL SET... FOR A FUCKING 97-CENTS! Yes, I got it. But am I pissed! They didn't have it on-line when I ordered the “cancer” set. But for a buck... And so I browsed a bit, looking for other items. NO Murphy's Oil Soap! Imagine that! But I got a bottle of ArmourAll for the truck any-way and another air freshener (especially for when I have a smoke in the house... which I will probably be doing more often, come the nastier weather this year... fuck the out-doors shit). Fine and dandy and back into the truck and up the 9N to... WELL, would you know... I STOPPED AT EDGEMONT TODAY! WOW! UP A HILL TO BE SURE! BUT THE PLACE IS QUITE BEAUTIFUL AND I MET THE WOMAN WHO'S LIVING ON-SITE, IN THE “CABIN” THAT HAD BEEN OFFERED TO ME. She's quite sweet, has been there for a couple of years now. The cabin is quite small, red, same shit-siding as this house is on the South side, large bow window. And the rest of the grounds are quite nice. Says she “It gets a bit scary at night some-times.” Well, she is up there and it is out of the way and the grounds have several buildings and as she says, there are a lot of cats that people leave/drop in the barn... Says she, there's a “very part-time” maintenance person who comes to haul the garbage and what-ever. The grounds look quite attended. Any-way, I told her of my story. Vincent comes and goes and was up for a while this Summer and is now back in Brooklyn. She took my name and number and said she'd pass it on to “Karen”... who-ever that is and for what-ever reason. I DID make it clear that I'd dropped by only to see the place. Any-way... on leaving... THE VIEW DOWN TO THE LAKE IS INCREDIBLY STUPENDOUS! WOW! BREATH-TAKING! JUST MAGNIFICENT! (But... as I thought en route back up the 9N and looking at the mountains along the way: No... I do much prefer being in New Russia... the location. The lake is close enough, I've got the river - though I don't enjoy it nearly as much as I ought - AND I HAVE THE MOUNTAINS... So it was a good visit after all and at least I now know what I almost lived in/at. Okie-dokie... I rolled along in the beauty of the day (and it couldn't have been more perfect, weather-wise, if it had been plotted, planned and ordered. Next stop... The market where I got mined beef for a meat-loaf on Sunday, crisps (more of which I'll have to get on Friday for “beverages” on Saturday/Sunday), 2 tonics and an ice cream... and... AND... THERE WAS ONLY ABOUT 20$ ON THE FS CARD AND THE ORDER CAME TO 27! WELL... the FS card is now down to absolute ZERO and I had to pay the extra 7$ and change on the VT card! I THOUGHT I had about 40$! I'm losing it! Thankfully, it wasn't an issue and off I went on my way... and back home... to arrive at... 18.00!!! I'VE NO IDEA WHERE THAT 5 HOURS WENT BUT... then again, I did travel a bit and even a straight Ticonderoga-Walmarde trip is a good 2 hours if not more, plus the browsing/shopping. Still... WOW! WAY beyond “meal” hour! And so, franks went in to cook, the left-over black beans, some crisps and ice cream and a bit of “news” with... and then... well... *BEVERAGE TIME* TO TRY THE “New Amsterdam”. Yep... HARSH! But...it's fine... suits the purpose (Blitz-land). - Then came 1.02 ...TWO v-tons in. quite a lot of Twtr and off to bed at last... WITH LOCKED DOORS ALL ROUND! - It was a perfect day, weather-wise, the truck got a nice run (now I'll have to give the “inspection” another try... soon... but I'm in NO rush at all...). There's fresh gas in the tank, there's a half tank there with a little bit of the “Guaranteed To Pass” in there. So THAT, in and of itself, made the day a delight... and ending with TWO v-tons? Well... QUITE lovely... indeed.
Thu.27.Aug: 15.53 I have NO idea what I've done too pass all this time today, since I got out of bed at 8.25 this morning. I DID take a lie-down for about an hour from 13-14.00 but other than that, I really have no account of the rest of the hours. Yes, there's been the “on-line” time. And I did have a chat with Margaret and Suzie this morning when the pee-oh opened. But honestly, the rest of the time is a mystery. There's been a lot of “moving about” the house, I suppose. But it's been chilly, damp, grey... all day. Yes, I DID GIVE THE FURNACE A “BLOW-OUT” AND A BIT OF A “CHECK”. IT'S STILL NOT BLOWING VERY MUCH, BUT WITH-IN 5 MINUTES, EVEN WITH THE DOORS OPEN, THE WARMTH WAS NOTICEABLE. I DO WISH IT COULD BE CHECKED BUT I'VE LEARNT FROM THE STOVE EXPERIENCE... I'M *NOT* GOING TO GET MUCH IN THE WAY OF “HELP AND SUPPORT” FROM THE “OWNER” (which leads me to not giving a shit about his “cellar shed”... to be honest). Other-wise, there's really nothing much I can say for this day. Oh well... it's of no importance, really. - But there's quite a bit of yesterday that I didn't do much in the way of journalling, so, with a few moments... I'll get to that and then to “meal” and then... what-ever. - Oh... Suzie tells me that the Sunoco in town hasn't had ANY gas for WEEKS! Well SHIT! I wonder what THAT'S all about... Fuck! - 16.34 and yesterday's adventures are recorded. Now... I've been thinking of putting the radiators up for a bit but having checked last year's “Actual Usage” on the NYSEG bills I see that I chose to ignore...
Nov: 272,41
Dec: 97,44
Jan: 113,42
Feb: 178,07
SO... I MIGHT use one for some-time, a SHORT while, but OBVIOUSLY I NEED to put money aside now... AND use the furnace more often this year... and there's been rumours of a “hard Winter” to come... what-ever that might be. - For now... “Meal” time is upon us... franks and some-thing tonight. - 21.03 Meal... 4 eggs fried in the saucepan with cheese a-top. 4 franks. Finished the ice cream. - Have had the terrra-cotta heater going this evening in the hope of taking some of the chilly dampness out of the place. Here we go... it was a lovely Summer we had... last week. - And now, I'm falling asleep at the kitchen table so I'm off to grab a half smoke, brush teeth and get into bed. No beverages tonight. And no getting to bed at mid-night!
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Fri.28.Aug: 6.40 and for what-ever reason or cause (other than having to get up to pee), at 6.15 the kettle went on and here we are, in from a smoke and listening to the “tap-tap-tap” of the rain on the tin roof. Four hummies vying for the feeder out front and about 6-8 finches vying for the feeder in the back. Fan in the bed-room window reading 65F and... well... here we are... I am... it is. Coffee, salmon, juice and creamer are due to arrive today, which, I imagine, means tomorrow. I'll take a quick run into market for ice cream (at the very least) during the day (cash today, no FS, alas). And aside from that? As with all day yesterday, so too, today... Come the end of the day I'll sit and wonder what the actual fuck I'd done with the day and question where the time went and HOW in Fux name, it went by so quickly. But for now... feeling “OK”. A bit “heavy” on the chest again and a “clotty” sort of cough. It comes and goes, comes and goes... but here I am... and I'm off to see what bull-shit will fly... as bull-shit does, can and will. Hey, lights were out before 22.00 last night. Imagine... and a night of sleeping through. Oh... I'll pay for the luxury... soon enough. - 13.04 The day is almost done and I'm only just about getting on the move here. But I DID manage to cut the birch and put it in the wire mesh. Sadly, it dried too completely so it's now being re-soaked and flattened under some stones on the back walk. We shall see how it turns out.... in another day or so. And I had to wash the table-cloth and that's on the rack. I'm having a tomato with some sour cream and calling it “tea”. And I'm pondering (though not with too much hope) putting a line up on the back porch and doing the bed linens. But I see clouds coming so perhaps not... there's always tomorrow and the “chill” is supposed to subside for a bit. Mean-while, a text from Theresa with the usual “apologies” for not “responding sooner”. She's “remote learning” with Lucas and is a bit over-whelmed. Oh, no prob. I'm not expecting “responses” these days. Honestly. Now for a bit of “tele with tomato” and we'll see where we go from there. I need to get to market (not that I want to spend the money). There's probably “just enough time” for that... in a little bit. (I'm tired now.) - 15.56 Put in a drain in 
front of the cellar door (a piece of pipe found in the garage that was the perfect length)! Clothes line is up on the porch! (Across BOTH back porches.) Went to FamDoll for smokes (need to go back tomorrow after 14.30 to complete “paper-work”). Then to market for ice cream, crisps, “stew veg” for Sunday meal and a pizza for tonight (which I really didn't need because, unbeknownst to me at the time, there were TWO in there and I saw only one but... better to have too many than none). The juices and COFFEES and SALMON arrived this morning (via Pee-OH... fuck). So... other than doing the bed linens... it's all running along nicely. WHAT A PRODUCTIVE DAY... when, this morning, I had “nothing” on the agenda. - So at about 16.30 I'll pop the pizza into the oven and... the day will be DONE! (Unless I decide to head to the river for plant water? We shall see.) - 21.59 Well, the pizza tonight was good and I managed to finish-off the whole thing! A little ice cream after and then, later, a v-ton whilst watching “8 Out of 10 Countdown”. - Now? I'm listening to Marvin Gaye... not a great choice of listening because my mind is going “back”... and so too, my heart. All these fucking years and it doesn't change... “going back” to a time I can NEVER re-live... It's difficult to accept. I think I'll have another v-ton and then go to bed. Tomorrow? Probably clean the house to make sure a “new year” starts properly. It's supposed to go down to 14° tonight... 22 for tomorrow's “high” with... “orages” all day. Charming. And Sunday? 18 for the high. Hmmm... Must to check last year since it was the first in many years when I was truly “alone”. (The key-board is fucking again....) - 22.17 Just looked at last year “b'day” (bidet)... solo... even Joan was away. So this year? Just another of the same. Oh well... No prob. - Time for one last round girls... then to bed. And Marvin Gaye sings on....
Sat.29.Aug: (EMPLOYED AGAIN) 1.37 OK Seepie-nigh-night time. I've had my two beverages, actually made a recording of “Cigarettes After Sex” that sounds as if I'm part of the band. Tried another “app” on the “ATT” phone but am having a bitch of a time with it. So... time to get to bed! - That deer is back at the apple tree across the road these nights. It's “that time of the year”. - Anyway... I hope I'm tired enough to just go to sleep. - 9.13 Well... Up at 8.30 and reluctantly. Just a touch “under the v-tons” but nothing “serious”. Coffee at hand. Dressed. Cellar door open. And it's grey, humid, rainy. But I'll get to the coffee, then to baking bread, meat loaf... stuff. At 15.00 a roll into town to do “paper-work” and then... floors, bed linens (a change, no wash, sadly) and there we'll have had another day. But for now... time to move along... I suppose. - 13.40 OK! SO! Let's see now... Two loaves of bread are done. Tomorrow's meat loaf is in the fridge, complete, ready to pop into the oven. I've put yellow paint on the “antique” bottle humming-bird feeder (it's in the warm oven, drying... until “meal” of chicken goes in this evening... because it's been raining all morning and the oven should help the paint dry... it's one of the “model enamels” that I found in the “white room” at 5199, imagine that, it worked... thus far). I've “bent” the “lamp shade” for the porch and tied it round with baling twine. It's out soaking in the rain. Replenished the “nectar” in the other humming-bird feeder. Scrubbed the kitchen faucet with a metal detail brush. It was FILTHY! SO embarrassing. Shame, really, that I don't really have my “heart” in maintaining any-thing more than necessary in this place any more... since it seems the “owner” doesn't have much in the way of interest. (I can't help but believe Alden's just strapped with this place because, really; who would want to buy it with the pee-oh in it? Insurance. The general fuckery of dealing with USPS. And so... here we are... as things crumble. I don't mind “helping”... but when the “help” isn't reciprocated... fuck it.) AND I made another 44 cookies, using the dough from the fridge. AND... ALL THE PANS AND DISHES AND SUCH ARE DONE AND PUT BACK. - *** MEAN-WHILE *** NOTICE FROM MEDIFUK *** “WE HAVE ACCEPTED YOUR APPLICATION” *** IT APPEARS THEY'LL BE PAYING THE MEDIGRANDFUK OF MEDICARE! *** IT “APPEARS”... I'LL RING ON MONDAY FOR CLARIFICATION. *** SHAME, REALLY, BUT IT APPEARS THAT THEY WON'T REIMBURSE FOR THE 144 ALREADY TAKEN. *** BUT I CAN'T REALLY BE TOO CONCERNED. AT LEAST I'LL BE BACK TO FULL CHEQUES FOR THE WINTER MONTHS. *** That was all of today's post. Fine. At least no bills. - And now? I want to put a coat of polish on the VT Goodwill loggers but I don't want to get involved with them at the moment since I have to go to FamDoll at 15.00 for “paper-work”. I'm not too thrilled about this today. If it takes an hour, I'll be back just in time to put tonight's meal into the oven. And it's literally been non-stop since I opened my eyes and got out of the bed... and the bed linens need changing too. Hoovering. A “quick mop” of the kitchen floor. - CUTE NOTE: “DEB” V.-SOMETHING, LEFT A JAR OF PRESERVES AT THE DOOR THIS MORNING AS I WAS MAKING BREAD. SUZIE TELLS ME DEB COOKS AND SUCH ALL THE TIME AND SHE'S THE ONE WHO'S ALWAYS BRINGING SOME KIND OF FOOD FOR SUZIE. I'M SO APPRECIATIVE... IT'S LIKE A “BIRTHDAY GIFT”! - And so, I didn't get a snooze in yesterday and it appears I won't get one today either. Just rolling along, non-stop, as I say. Keeps me busy, occupied, moving. One “item”... there's a bit of “pressure” in the chest again today. I haven't taken a Naproxen in a couple of days. I wonder what that's all about. But I'm moving here... busy here... occupied here... so much for “Shabbat shalom” to be sure. But I want “life in order” when I wake tomorrow... if I'm so cursed. It's a “new year” for me... 60-bloody-bollocksed-fucking-five years! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK... FUCK THE FUCK! But here it is... Tough shit for me. Eh? - And so... moving along... Next? What-ever comes along when I leave this “droring table”. - 16.55 The chicken is in the oven, the rice is “simmering” on the stove. I was out of here at 15.55... and ALL of the “paper-work” for FamDoll was on-friggin-line. And Casey, the VERY FIRST person I met when I first rolled through “E-town” a year ago (and then, in an EMERGENCY, pulled to the side of the mail to pee... in a plastic bottle... and some in my jeans, across from the “County Offices”... I'll NEVER forget that) is more familiar than most others... even the “others” here, in New Russia. And my “official date of hire” is the 26th August. Imagine that. So now, I wait. I'm to understand that she's having quite a bit of trouble getting people to work. I think I'm only 3 out of the 20 they were hoping to get. What that means is anybody's guess. Perhaps more than 10 days or more than the 80 hours total. We shall see. So now I wait for the “notification to come to work”. OK. Fine, indeed. And I rolled back into the house at 16.20! So the chicken is on 400F. No “meal at 5” tonight. But, no trouble. And on my “list” for today, change the bed linens and Hoover/mop the floors. After that? All will be well in the house for my “new year” ahead. - Whilst out, Dorothy sent a “text” to say that she's gone through her “prep” for her “cataract surgery”, it's “hot” down there “And your another year older. Time Flies. Happy birthday”. AND I just see that about 17 minutes ago, a “Happy 65th birthday!” from Tess. Goodness me. Nothing like “reminders”. - OK. The rice is done. The chicken will need another half hour at least. I'm off to change the linens. Then eat. Then get the floors done and then... V-tons and wait... until 5.32 tomorrow morn. FUCK! it's now official:
10 YEARS OF BORROWED TIME! I wonder how many more I'll be strapped with.
21.50 The house is “settled”. I decided to leave the linens tonight. But the floors are “bare-foot clean”. And every-thing else is tidy, neat and orderly. The front door is open (with the screen door there, it's wonderful). The fan in the bed-room is registering 71F! The sky has passing clouds, hiding and revealing a brilliantly white, but not quite full moon. Occasionally a bit of rain passes. But all is well. I can't help but recall: in years gone by, I would have rented a car for this week-end, driven hours and 100s of miles to get up to about where I am right now. I'd have, by now, driven along that stretch of Northway that today, is so much more than familiar, and only moments away. Tonight? I can just sit where I am now, as I type, and here I am. No driving. And *MY” truck is parked in the yard, by the garage. And “Lewis”? Not only do I know where it is on the Northway... I travel to it, at least monthly. It's my “neighbour” now. How times have changed... I've got 40s music playing on the computer and I'm... AT HOME... *** HOME *** HERE ***. Second v-ton at hand. No “clubbing” tonight. No loud music and frantic dancing, looking around, “wishing I could live here”. I DO LIVE HERE! THIS is my residence now. It isn't Montréal, but, as things are today, I've been blessed, spared the bull-shit of the larger cities, the violence that's taking-over the rest of the world. It's absolute peace here tonight. Peace. Order. Cleanliness. And I can have my “beverages”, listen to the music I feel like hearing, and take a nice, leisurely shower (soon) and just toddle off, in to the bed I've slept in for the past year... *** MY *** bed. And there's no “bills” to think of when the week-end is done. And no travel after. No hotel, no car rental, no meals out, no “cover charge”, no jacked prices (other than the “Montcalm Liquor” over-pricing on the vodka). WOW! I NEVER thought that this could be possible. If I get hungry, there's food all over the place here. Some I might have to cook, on the stove that's in *** MY *** kitchen. No travel. MY dishes. MY food. MY kitchen. MY table. And the warm night breeze blows across me through MY door. I'm ** HOME *** already. 60-fucking-five YEARS and here I am. Yes, it's just me. Yes, it's quiet. Yes, I'm alone. But weighing the rest, it truly IS better this way. I'm at peace. No whining, bitching, obligations now or later. Debts are paid... in full. AT LONG FUCKING LAST! DONE! It's taken a LOT of HELL to pass through, many mountains of shit to crawl through, tunnel through, climb over, crawl under... IT'S DONE! Yes, indeed, I'm “HOME”, where, for 46 years, I've dreamt of being... for almost as long, I've passed by, North-bound early in the morning, South-bound VERY early in the darkness of the morning. And tonight? There's no travelling. Just me, my little kitchen table, a beautifully comforting breeze... “HOME”... in “The North Country”. It truly is amazing. And Glenn Miller plays “Moonlight Cocktails”... indeed.
Sun.30.Aug: 15.02 if one can imagine... The day is gone... the meat-loaf is in the oven and I'm dragging into the end of another day. Sixty-fucking-five years... dragging. - Well? After a night of sleeping-through, and terribly heavy, I must say, evidenced by the congestion I got up with this morning, I didn't wake until about 8.30 and didn't get out of the bed until about 8.55! To be fair, I don't believe I got into bed until, well, perhaps, close to 2.00. Thankfully, after 3 v-tons, I wasn't all to much the worse for it, but yes, there was that “heaviness” and I almost feared standing. But all told, it wasn't bad. I got up, put the kettle on and got dressed. A “cool” morning, this. Perhaps about 16°, if memory serves. Sat a bit in the loo as the water boiled and then... made coffee, had 3gm. vit.C just on account of because, and had coffee. Donna rang, but I didn't catch the call. She left a “Happy Birthday” musical message (that sounded as if she'd just gotten up, which, I learnt later, when we spoke... she'd had). And so, the morning truly dragged. I found my-self wondering what to do with the day, so I stripped the bed and washed the bed linens and hung them on the porch line to dry. It was over-cast, mostly, but a good breeze was blowing. And then I returned to the “What to do?”. At about 11.30, I pulled the sleeping bag to the futon and had laid down, alarm set for 12.30 but at about 11.45-ish, the phone rang... Donna calling back to SING a “Happy Birthday”. So we chatted for about and hour and as I went to the kitchen sink and looked out... A HUGE LIMB HAD FALLEN FROM THE MAPLE! RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DRIVE! Well so, I really wasn't in the mood to play “lumberjack” but... It must have been about 13.00 when I strolled out to have a look-see. Alvin and Vivian were in their yard and Alvin came strolling over with “instructions” on how to pull the limb down, as it was stuck on another branch, and he offered to help pull it to the side and come back with his chain-saw. I almost-half joked about leaving it there, to stop the traffic that passes almost regularly. As I said, they come through entirely too fast, presents a danger to cars parked here AND if they come through whilst “Wombat” is on the hunt... well... I managed to toss in a “I don't understand what possesses people to use this as a cut-through any-way.” (Let's see if THAT gets around... I doubt it will but... it's been said.) He some-what seemed to agree. Not that that means any-thing. Any-waaaaay.... I merely grabbed the limb that was holding the felled branch and all was on the ground, quietly, in no time. I came in got the pruners and saw and... had at it. With-in a bout 45 minutes... the incident never happened. I just cut it up and stacked the bits by the “potter's shed”. The rest is in the back on the stack. AND... ANOTHER limb came down in the back yard as well! There's much more cutting to be done, but today, I'm just not “in the mood”, so it's still there. As for the felled limbs, Alvin claims there were heavy winds over-night. Me? I don't recall the “winds” being all that “heavy” but they obviously were. - OK. So that's done. And Alvin DID come back as I was sawing and said “I see you preferred the exercise.” Yes, indeed... part of me did, and the rest of me preferred not be obligated, not to mention, the hand-sawing was much quieter, and I appreciate that. (Of course, as I was finishing, I couldn't help but think: Julius is all of 26 years of age and when it comes to “doing” any-thing around here, well... no lawn-mowing, no raking, no cutting, sawing, cleaning, tidying.. too busy... golfing... which is where he's been all day again today. Right then. Let the “old folks” attend to the toil; eh? Fine. One day... And honestly, aside from the low rent, I find it just slightly annoying that the owner of this shack has so little interest in it... Old stove, fridge, the crumbling cellar shed. Oh well. Truth is, I've started having the occasional smoke in the comfort of the kitchen table. I can't be bollocksed with getting up, getting out... especially later at night. And come Winter? Well... 'tis to be seen. (I really should get in touch with the folks in Champlain but...) - And so that brings the day to 14.30 when I decided to put the meat-loaf into the oven. The sheets were dry on the line (WONDERFUL), so they're on the bed. The pillow-cases are still a touch damp so they're still on the rack out back. But... the day has rolled into the after-noon, the after-noon is rolling into the evening and yes, another day passes. - There was a brief “text” message from Tess this morning. That, and the call from Donna covers “the event”. Other-wise... just another day. - Ah... 65. FUKKIT! - Now to wait for meal and... tonight, a nice shower and off to bed. As for tomorrow? What-the-fuck-ever. - 16.33 Just HAVE to make a note here: Dip-shit next door came rolling in about half an hour ago... AND IS PARKED WHERE THE LIMB WAS HANGING IN THE DRIVE! No “thanks”. No mention. Just gets out of the car and... well... there you have it. At least Alvin and Vivian SAW me do the work. Not that it means any-thing nor makes any matter at all. - BUT, I MUST say... just in from a smoke on the front porch where the sun was shining warmly (welcomed too), a few billowing clouds pass by in the slowly-moving air. In years gone by, I would have either been on the road, between The Bronx and Montréal, or, today I'd've been wandering about the streets of Montréal... alone, as I am today. Or I'd be yearning to be “up North”. But today, now, here I am... “NORTH”... in the ADIRONDACK mountains, a “permanent resident” of THE NORTH COUNTRY. And stepping into the house, the fragrance of the meat-loaf fills the house... food is being cooked, right here, in the kitchen. A practically formal “Sunday dinner”, to be eaten at the kitchen table, in peace. I've come through quite a lot of Hell to be here... in “old age”. And I'm still working to maintain it. But all considered... it really is quite amazing. And “thankful”? Only to me. There's been so little “help” along the way that it's negligible. I don't really know HOW this came to be, but, here it is. - (Sadly, oddly... there's a “stone” in my chest at the moment. I should be so completely at ease... but then again... Why should this moment be any different from any other? One day I'll lay me down to sleep...) - 22.57 I've NO idea where the time has gone. At 20.00 I was winding-down with a bit of “tele” and how... SHIT! Oh well. I'm showering and off to bed! Tired! Had a ginger tea and some cookies. No booze tonight. Sorry. Too tired and just can't. And so, the 65th “birth anniversary” comes to a close. BFD. FUCK ME! and... Good-night. (But dinner was DELICIOUS! The meat-loaf was perfect, and the rice got a bit “crispy” because I added some of the fat from the meat-loaf to it. The veggies were cooked to the point where there was almost a “gravy”. Ice cream followed. Bad news? The new roasting pan didn't fare well in the washing-up. The fucking non-stick is washing off. Fuck. But DINNER WAS PURE DELIGHT. So fucking there!)
Mon.31.Aug: 6.05 I haven't the slightest idea or notion of WHY I'm up and dressed and in from a smoke on the front porch in the almost-darkness and chill. But, here I am. Lights went out at about mid-night and I woke, of my own, at 4.30. Looked at the clock and laid in the bed, trying to doze back to sleep and for about 20 minutes... I think I did. At round about 5.10, I was awake again and pondering whether or not to just get up... and, at about 5.35, I finally did. So? So. Here we are. Monday. And August is finishing and, well... here we are. Congested this morning with a bit of “pressure” in the chest and only the slightest “episodic” but we'll see how it all works out during the day (and after the loo... which has SOME effect on the situation but... what-ever). As for “agenda”... nothing, really. Considering that trip up one of the mountains if the weather permits... “considering”. Other than that... “considering” bringing “Joan's” table into the living-room by the pee-oh window for plants for the Winter months... “considering”. And considering building that chair with the pallet wood... “considering”. And then too, there are the limbs in the back that could be cut down... (and bundled and offered for sale)... “considering”. And what will be done at day's end? Well! THAT'S the surprise... to be seen... at day's end. - Meanwhile, the “morning is beginning and a hummie came by to “check things” as I came in from smoke. Poor little things. It's 10° out there at the moment... gone down to 7° last night. We're expected to get 21° during the day. I'll have to try and get that other feeder up for them so that nourishment is available... should they choose. - And this lap-top Journal is up to 13 pages... time to get this shit on the servers. - Look there/here: “things”... to pass the hours. Oh let's just do... WTF? There are more photos as well. (And then, there are those “photo pages” for this that I never finished. Oh well...) - Congrats shit4brains... 65. And now we commence the 66th. Fuck. - 10.27 THERE! had a lie-down on the futon at 7.30 because I was just “that tired” suddenly... set an alarm for 8.30... and with one or two exceptions where I almost woke (dreaming, more or less)... finally got up off the futon at... 10.00! Truth is, I didn't sleep much last night, so it comes as little-to-no surprise that I slept that much/long. But at the moment, I'm feeling a bit “fatigued” still. (But there's nothing “wrong” with me... say the “professionals”.) Anyway, it's a touch on the over-cast side, though the sun is shining nicely. I have to get the other hummie feeder up. I saw one going for the silk flowers on the porch. It's ready to go. I've just been waiting for Ms. “Becky” to depart from in front of the house. And now that I've seen her heading down the main... on with the rest of the day! - 10.39 HAH! THAT VT FUEL CLASS ACTION SETTLEMENT CHEQUE ARRIVED JUST NOW... A WHOLE $21,55! HARDLY THE 5k THEY MENTIONED IN THEIR CORRESPONDENCE. AND IT'S FROM... SEATTLE, WA! WEST LIBFUKLAND. Anyway... there's 35 in the VT account and 3 in NY. I'll put this in the NY, 24$ will just about fill the tank in the truck AND/OR 2 packs of smokes. And that's that and the end. Hey... it ain't much but it's 21,55 more than I had when I woke up this morning... twice. - 11.36 MORE MENTAL BULL-SHIT!!! I CAN'T FIND THE ORIGINAL PAPER-WORK FOR THAT “FUEL SETTLEMENT”!!! IRON-ON PATCHES... NOW THIS! AND THAT PAPER-WORK HAD BEEN ON THE TOP OF THE “FILE TOTE” FOR MONTHS!!! MONTHS!!! RIGHT THERE, IN PLAIN SIGHT ALL THE WHILE AND NOW, WHEN I WANT IT... GONE!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK AM I DOING WITH THIS SHIT? SO NOW, ANOTHER BIT OF FUCK-SHIT TO OBSESS OVER! KRISTE! - 10.42 FILED... WITH THE MEDI-FUCKING-AID PAPER-WORK! OK... I can understand that... Medicaid had me so fucking confused and all the papers were out on top of the file tote so... WELL! ONE LESS ITEM TO OBSESS OVER! FUCK ME! I NEED TO PAY ATTENTION! AND... I NEED TO GET THAT CHEQUE INTO THE BANQUE BEFORE I “MISPLACE” IT AS WELL! - 12.12 OK... Made it to the banque. The cheque is in the ATM. Spiffy. And the sun is shining, but the clouds are hanging, the temperature is rising so it's not a day for mountain climbing and New Russia is in silence and... well... Well? That about covers it all... “Well?” - 21.40 Later than planned but... off to the shower after finishing this halfie... as I type here at the kitchen table. Had a Naprooxen too... for the chest. Tomorrow... it's “Loan-Pay Day”. Depending on when I get up, the weather, &c.... might be a stroll up Roaring Brook to see how far I can get. Or, just cutting the rest of the limbs out back. (I wonder where, over here, I can get baling twine... hmmmm.... Must say, it was easier in VT... although there's a Tractor Supply in Ticonderoga... Hell! I need the wheel for the cart... although, there is the wheel barrow? I duuno.) Anyway, the month is gone, a year is gone, meal was fine... but desserts are gone, save the PopTarts. Oh... September's going to start very rather rough. But there's 21$ more today... then work, then Soc.Sec. No word on “stimulus”. Oh well... Fuck it, Fuck me. Just fuck. Off to the shower and to bed! - Oh, before I go... Suzie stopped by this after-noon with her grand-daughter. She came to the door! And we chatted on the front porch a while. AND... Ms. Jessica Biddy drove up and... actually said “Hi”. I waved. But it was a delight... Suzie actually came to the door. How nice. (I wonder why....) - OK. NOW... done.