Mon.1.May.2017: (On Tuesday 2 May 2017 at 7.21) It pisses me off, that I’m still journalling in this book and not back on a lap-top. But I woke this morning, with plots, plans, schemes, thoughts and ideas, most of which are from my Shelter education, some of which from Ayn Rand, others from Saul Alinsky and, I must say, all from my education from the state of shit-hole Vermont. let’s face the fact that at long, long last, even in St. Pat’s we were taught and told that in this world we are given the tools that we need to get by. It’s up to us to use them. Obviously, yes, I’ve been provided my set of tools, but poor judgment and improper choices have me in a stuffy little room again, still being an idiot, being “kind” to others who are being kind to themselves with precious little and no concern for or about me. I have dreams, goals and ambitions that are laying waste as I play the role of class clown and village idiot. it’s time, right now, immediately, to bring it all to a complete halt. Tony Muscle came to show me his “new mobile phone”. It IS as he told me: “God doesn’t want me to be in this shelter, and know that I need to get a job to get out of here. He knows that I need a phone to get the job but right now, I can’t afford a phone. So God made it so somebody would leave his phone where I could find it. I didn’t steal this. I’ve accepted a gift from God.” Well, it’s time I accept my gifts from God. I’m with-out the lap-top, something that can provide me the means to get out of here, and it’s most likely because of damage caused by plaster and wood dust, the result of construction in the hall-way. No warning. No concern for or consideration of me. HER contracted workers didn’t bother to close-off this room nor tell me that they were going to cause the dust. My clothes, shoes, bedding, toiletries, plants got covered in the dust! I could see and feel the dust and grit on the lap-top! And THAT’S when my trouble started with it… the malfunctioning. And when I simply mentioned it? ALL FUCKING BULL-SHIT HELL BROKE LOOSE AND SHE TRIED TO THROW 100% OF THE FAULT AND BLAME ON ME! Well, this said… I see the cheques for 25$ go out to her favuorite “charities”, the ones that send “free” greeting cards and mailing labels, totes and pocket calendars. And I hear the shining about the bills. I hear about lunches with this one and that one, and the “road trips” to and across New England with so-and-so, to peddle her sweet Jesus. Stanhopes have threatened her with law-suits and property damage, and have been in residence in that house, RENT FREE, for EIGHT months AND she’s paid their electric, which is also their home HEATING, for almost 5 months… though this Winter (as I sat here, in HER house, stacking and hauling fire-wood, conservatively stoking the wood-stove and watching her burn the wood frivously because it was there… because I’D brought it in AND, in a few cases, cut and slpit it!) so “the house wouldn’t go cold and the plumbing didn’t freeze.”) FUCK ME! EH? So, that said, ’tis time way and well past due. She fave away chain saws to Adam, who sold one at 350$! I listed and sold the splitter for her at 1250$, for which I received 100$, not even 10%. I listed the canoe last year, hauled to to the road-side AND back to the porch, alone. There are resources, “tools”, if one will. Time I wised-up. “God is telling me.” I haven’t been listening! – OK! – Begrudgingly, I woke at about 7.00 and reluctantly got up at 8.00 to a grey and drizzly day. I’ve been wanting to re-arrange all these boxes in the room and got at them almost immediately. Moved the dresser (which I’m not using) to the West wall beside the porch door, put the wall shelves atop, dusted and Hoovered, and what a mess! The floor under all those boxes was quite covered with the plaster dust (here-in aforementioned). I took the clothes from atop the armoire and simply stuffed them into it. Some boxes are atop it now, the others along the South wall are still as long as they were but not as high. Not exactly “perfectly ordered” bt a touch difference and at least eth floor beneath and the walls behind got cleaned. It took me all morning! And as I worked, Madame wanted to go shopping. Today I took the opportunity to say “When I’m done with what I want to do.” And so, fine it was. – I finished at about 12.20 and HAD to nap for 20 minutes. When done, we were off and getting ready to head to Costco. Of course, I got my FS today. Let’s run along and use them! “Welfare Entitlement” mentality, as it is. Hallie and I got into the truck. She decided to bring the empty bottles. Admittedly, I had to force me into staying in the truck and not hauling the 3 boxes. But exactly as I’d expected, I took them out of the truck and went in to the store for the cash (which I handed over with-out a word, even though some of it was actually mine, oh well.) Note: The radio in the truck was at such a high volume all the way that I didn’t speak a word. no sense. i’d only have to repeat everything… and still wouldn’t be heard. – Off to Costco where the ONLY thing I actually wanted and NEED is FlatFix. (They didn’t have. I mentioned it. Came back with-out… of course.)

* HOW-EVER*
AS WE STROLLED THE AISLES, I HEARD A VOICE THAT HASN’T CURSED MY EARS IN ABOUT 4 YEARS. UN-MISTAKEABLE. I LOOKED TO SEE A HOBBLING, SLOUCHED, DECREPIT, DISHEVELLED, MEAGRE HAG STANDING ACROSS FROM ME, CHATTING WITH A CUSTOMER. “WE SOLD THAT… AGO.” SHE TOLD HIM. *DIANE OLSEN*! LOOKING WORSE THAN UTTER SHIT! SICKLY! QUITE RATHER PATHETIC AND DISGUSTING! KARMA, APPARENTLY, CAME ROUND LIKE CANCER ON A RAGING HOLIDAY, IN FULL SLASH-AND-BURN REGALIA AND SLAM-HAMMERED THAT QUNT WITH A FULL-FRONT, FACE-ON ATOMIC ASSAULT! *VINDICATION!* THIS IS WHY i DIDN’T LEAVE THIS SHIT-HOLE! I WAS MEANT TO SEE THAT SHE IS, INDEED, PAYING FOR THE HELL SHE PUT ME THROUGH! I WAS PURELY DELIGHTED! I TOLD JAQUIE, WHO ACTUALLY SMILED, SEEING MY JOY! ADMITTEDLY, IT BROUGH MY SPIRITS UP, INDEED. KARMA, IT SEEMS, STILL FAVOURS ME. AND SO, YES, I CAN MOVE ON. WHAT-EVER HAS BEFALLEN HER IS IMPOSSIBLE TO REVERSE. HER HELL HAS TAKEN HER DOWN AND FROM THE LOOKS OF IT, WILL SLOWLY TAKE HER OUT. (MAY CINDY SHEDRICK BE NEXT. I DON’T NEED TO SEE… MY FAITH AND TRUST IN KARMA IS STRONG ENOUGH.)

And so, we shopped along, happily. When we got to the front, Jacquie had me check their cigarette prices. 75,66 the carton. She actually got a carton for me! (I know… takes her off the hook. It’s not “kind”… it’s convenient.) We’d walked in with 427,72$ on my card. 209,33 was the food total. 37,48 was my coconut oil, a quart of heavy cream and a package of chicken “Andouille” sausages. I’m not including 10$ for Hallie’s hot-dogs in “mine”. Rather oddly, her non-food came to almost exactly the same total. She would have spent over 400$ had I not been there. – Back into the truck. I drove. To Hannaford’s where I got 4 coffees, 2 boxes of PopTarts, a creamer and full-fat Fage. Hannaford’s, St-Albans. And back to the house. Full day. Done. – A burger and left-over veggies for “meal”. – Another note du jour: On Saturday, I told Mrs. Twat about the battery charger for the car since she’d said their battery had died. This morning, Mr. Twat had taken it to use. This evening, Mrs. Twat came to pay rent and, in front of me told Madame “Michael said thank you for letting us know about the charger.” Thank you madame! Yes, well, we close the “being civil” on another in-bred ingrate. – And so, the day rolled into night. A bit of TV until almost 22.00. I came into the little room, put on my jammies, got into bed, looked at this journal… put out the light. Exhausted.

Tue.2.May: 12.28 Just finishing yesterday’s entry here. I woke at the 7.00 alarm and got this drizzly day rolling. Why? Not sure. Nothing on MY agenda to do, since it’s wet out there. So I had my coffee, smoke on the South porch. Madame woke about the same time. I ame back to the room and began jotting here and have been at it, on and off, all morning. Madame went to the green-house a little while ago. Her Andrew is supposed to come by at about 18.00. We shall see. – This morning I mentioned the battery charger matter of yesterday and that I’d told Ms. Twat about it and how rather interesting that she should stand in front of me and thank YOU for telling them. Madame made excuses for her!!! Well Madame got reminded that she’s lost a friend. Indeed, she has. One upon a time I’d have offered help in the green-house. Today I’m about to take a nap. – 22.09 it turned out to be an interesting day… of sorts. At some point I asked Jacquie if she knew the “particulars” of running Cecil’s old cart. Of course, she didn’t. Said it just needed starting. Well, it’s a pull-start engine, like a lawn mower. But there are some switches and such too. it took several tries but I got it started! There’s no “reverse” so I had to push it out of the barn with my feet and lefs. Had to learn how to engage it and how to accelerate with-out making it stall. But I got it out on the road, twice round the house! Of course I did… now that the heavy work of leaves and sodding are done! I know how to operate it now that there’s no work that requires it. But next, I’m going to learn the ride-on mower (so I know how to use one… to get out of here!). – Tomorrow she goes to “staff meeting” and dinner with a “friend”. (God gives us the tools, we need to use them. This place MUST have Tony Muscle mobile phones.) – Just getting into bed. A rainy, windy, chilly night. – Oh, and I got the remote for the window-fan fixed today too. Something else not needed now but available. Typical me and my existence. – I’m tired.

Wed.3.May: 8.22 Another day. chilly and grey. My right thumb is sore and a bit swollen. The starter cord on the tractor cart snapped out of my hand yesterday on an attempt to start it. Caused a bit of pain at the time. This morning, well, only a bit of a sprain, I think. – But first thought of this day: Madame said, a while back, that putting Hallie in a kennel for the week-ends when she goes to work cost her 75$. At 4 times per month, that’s 300$/month… saved. Plus the house-work that I do, Hoovering and floor-washing that would cost (here) perhaps, let’s say 25$ each week-end. At 4 times per month, another 100$/month. 400$/month… saved. I provide at least 100-150$ in food, most of which I truly don’t eat. i usually eat what I buy for myself on the week-ends, which are Thursday through Saturday AT LEAST, 3 days out of 7. Even though, truly, the food shopping is closer to 200$/month I’ll figure 100$ for now. We’re up to 500$/month. Just this, alone: 500$/month for one room. Up-stairs is 800$/month. 2 bed-rooms, bath, kitchen, living-room, electric, washer, dryer, stove, fridge… Now, let’s remember that IF one of the Twats mows the lawn even ONCE during a month, using Madame’s gas and mower, she essentially pays 100$ by reducing their rent by that much. And we’ll calculate the smokes she gives me (when convenient) at the rounded-up higher loal cost of 10$/pack. 2 packs per week, 4 weeks per month, 8 packs per month, 80$ per month out of the 500$ in services still equals 420$ per month, her credit. To the 420$, in Summer, even she admitted just yesterday, I mow the lawn (walk-behind, not ride-on, saving gas) weekly (4 times per month). Weeding and maintaining the lilies on the Highgate Street and the other little flowers, etc. Autumn is leave-raking several times through the season. Winter is snow and ice to be removed. Spring is clean-up, flower planting. And just this year, seeding and sodding and cutting the row for sunflowers. She’d probably get some damned fool idiot to do this shit for nothing but I seriously doubt it, and even if, not more than once. So, it an be said that I’ve got it “good” but the absolute fact is that, and she said so, once upon a time, SHE’S “the gainer”. (And I’M the fool.) So to return, at long last, to my first though of this morning: Today’s the day we start making money. God gives us the tools; it’s up to us to use them. Welcome to Vermont. The class has been 6 years in session. Today is the beginning of “Exams”. Good luck –
BOARD HALLIE AT 75$/WEEK………..300$/MONTH
HOUSE-CLEANING AT 25$/WEEK….100$/MONTH
MONTHLY FOOD CONTRIBUTION…100$/MONTH

LESS 8 PACKS SMOKES AT 10$/PACK…(80$/MONTH)
BASE-LINE CONTRINBUTION…………….420$/MONTH

SUMMER:
LAWN-MOWING (RENT REDUCTION)……………. 100$/MONTH
(UP-STAIRS: EVEN ONCE MONTHLY)
WEEKLY PROPERTY MAINTENANCE-2 DAYS… 200$/MONTH
… 300$/MONTH
PLUS “BASE”………………………………………………… 720$/MONTH

AUTUMN:
WOOD-STACKING
LEAF-RAKING

WINTER:
SNOW AND ICE REMOVEAL
WOOD-HAULING-WEEKLY
STOVE-CLEANING-WEEKLY

SPRING:
GARDEN (FLOWERS) PREP.
LAWN AND YARD RAKING AND CLEANING
TREE AND SHRUB PRUNING

12.30 She left about half hour ago. It’s so old in this house that I’m wearing the fleece and my sneakers! Just went to put the heat up a touch to find the thermostat set at fucking 50F! WTAF? 50? Stroll out the door, whining about the cold today and leave me (and Hallie) in here with essentially NO BLOODY HEAT! Another fucking Steve Kent and Lyle Glidden. Meanwhile, she pays the electric for heating the Stanhopes who’ve got her in court and lived free for 8 months. BULL-SHIT! – (On Thursday, 4 May at 10.16) This evening turned TRULY RANCID when, at about 19.00, she returned. I’d done most of the “inventory” I’d planned for the day, and much to my rather disappointment, there’s nothing of much saving value. Non-the-less, anything is more than the nothing I have at present. But… i was,tired and annoyed. First off, I had to search for the andouille and could find only half the package… frozen! 30$ out of 200 in food and I had to boild what little I wanted to eat. “Hide’n’seek” for food. Sitting in a cold house with the thermostat turned to “off”, with the thoughts I’d previously noted, churning in my mind… The last of the fire-wood I’d stacked and hauled, burning in the stove and so on. When I mentioned it all to her, excuses began to toll, as usual. AND AGAIN, THE BULL-SHIT. “YOU CAN LEAVE…” DISMISSED! ME AND ALL THE WORK! I asked how much boarding Hallie would cost and how much the house-keeping would cost. She atually came up with the same figures I’d calculated! AND THEN PROMPTLY DISMISSED THAT TOO! When i added the other work i do on HER property and house… the “Margot”: I DIDN’T ASK YOU TO…” ZERO appreciation. “YOU CAN LEAVE…” I said “Pay me for the work you benefit.” SHE HAD THE FUCKING AUDACITY TO SAY “PAY ME FOR THE TIME YOU’VE BEEN HERE.” I said “Call Peter because I’ll see this brought to court. And I’ll bring Stanhope into it. Do you really believe you’ll stand a chance>” THAT pulled it down a notch. “I’ve been paying attention here and I’ve learned what you people are. Randy taught me. So pull what you think you can and I’ll call the police. I’ll see it all in court… with a Public Defender.” Well, I feel like shit… for allowing Ms. Christian to trigger again but at least now I know what she thinks she can pull and what I have in my favour. Court. And Stanhope. And it’s now obvious that she doesn’t want to be confronted with or by them, in court, with them as witnesses for me. – I took a smoke-walk to get away. She sent Hallie out to get me. And yes, of course, Hallie broke the anger. i won’t allow the hostilities to hurt her, and she obviously feels when I’m angry. – The war was over. Atlanta lay smouldering, peaceful smoke and ruins. No absolute “winners”. But both sides know which side has the “Nuke”. My finger hovers closely above the button… quivering. “PAY ME FOR THE TIME YOU’VE BEEN HERE.” In 3…2…1… – 19.00 rolled into 20.00 lights out. She called to show me where the thermostat is and offered the electric radiator for the little room. In MAY? I’ve put up with the cold all Winter. And so I thought of what I’d said earlier “You were conceived from a kernel of pure evil.” I thought “She’s another one of those delusional Christians who believe that they can be, do and say anything and their Jesus forgives and saves them.” Mentally ill. Ethically bereft. I let it go, came to the little room and EXHAUSTED from dealing with the utter stupidity, ignorance and arrogance, composed drafts of the new “Grounds-keeper posting, put out the lights. – It’s not done by any means. But I’ve learned more about what I’m facing. And there’s little I need to get out of and away from this shit… the means are available, I’ll use them to the very best of my ability.
SHELTER DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN.
I got me out of there… I’ll get me out of here!

Thu.4.May: 11.07 I stayed in bed until I couldn’t hold my bladder any longer this morning, letting the time go by. The longer in the room, the shorter the time dealing with bull-shit. But up and moving at about 8.20 and all is as if yesterday evening didn’t happen. But, that radiator? Running in the kitchen! The only “point” being made by it: Proof of the degree of retardation surrounding. – Andrew arrived at about 10-ish and they’re both out in the yard. I saw him taping the old hose with the useless silver tape. Last week I’d said “Electric tape, 1,49$” She came back with duct tape. 3,49$ She’s been out and about but refuses to get and have what works best. I’ve no patience, nor time. Piss away the money. I’ll do what I must fo rme. I’ve learnt. you, most likely, never will. – A bit of a DREAM this morning:
I needed to get to some-where, an emergency of some kind. I was on a plane, a free ticket, donated to me for the trip. There were many others boarding and I got “lost in the crowd” as it were, as everybody went to their seats. i’d been to mine and had placed my ticket there but didn’t remember which seat was mine. In the front of the plane, i waited, with some other people, as the rest went to their assigned seats. I figured I’d find mine when they’d all sat but just as most were settled, the plane began to roll and we were told to remain where we were until after take-off. I had to remain standing and yet I could see my empty seat toward the back. I didn’t dare go for it though. As the plane rolled along slowly, a large crowd of FAT men and women came down the aisle and I heard some guy to my right say, disgustedly “Oh great. here come the pregnant people and the Plouffes…” and I woke. –
23.02 Showered and in bed at last. – It was a day with-out conflict. She left at about 13.00 as I worked on the electric in the green-house. She wanted the radio plugged in which meant crawling under a nasty old table and trying to get over and around old bags of soil, sulphur and all sorts of unidentified shit, crates and boxes, webs and filth. Well, I got it plugged in and the power went off. So I went to the cellar, found the circuit breaker and cut that off. When I came bak she said “Do we know an eletrician? But we can’t spend much money.” Even before I’d begun. Qunt. And so, she went into the house to prepare to go to work and I simply moved all the shit out of my way and crawled under to check the shitty wiring. Moments later, she was off and gone. Ah… brief moments later I discovered the problemme: the outlet circuit breaker had been tripped. A simple push of the button there! Saved the twat another good 100$! Bloody idiot… her. Sent message that electric is restored. Received a “thank you.” Yeah? How about “FUCK YOU!”? The fan in the green-house isn’t running but that switch is too much more crawling. I’m NOT going near it. Now, that said, she and her Andrew have un-wound the hose. She turned the hydrant closed so there’s no telling if it’ll open again. And if it doesn’t, she’ll be paying somebody for that repair. I told her to turn the water off in the cellar. She chooses not to listen… again… go fuck yourself. That done, I pruned the briars (her “berry bushes”.) I want MY part of the place looking neat. Inside and out of the green-house can be the “children’s play area”. It looks like Hell. I don’t care. She’s ungrateful and irresponsible. Should need be, I’ll happily explain to prospective employers and direct them to the store for confirmation of my grounds-keeping. That done, a rest. – After the rest, a quick trip to the store to get 3 tins of tuna for the barn kitty, since she hasn’t bothered to get food for it, ice cream, crisps and sip for me. There, Jada informed me that Gordo now has a new car and 5225 has a new puppy that’s being abused. Well? Vermont… it’s ALL abusive. Coming back to 5199 I had to notice that the vinca I’d planted has taken and is in bloom in spite of the fact that the place is a mess. Oh, and Jada rather confirmed: the banshee is psychotic. This fucking town is a horror story! Fucking sick shits side to side and end to end! Fucking mentally ill! – And so, it came to 17,00$, Hallie got dinner, I cooked and cliced her franks for the week-end, I had half of the penne Jacquie brought for me yesterday and Kitty got a tin of tuna. – THAN came my NEXT vindication! Adam came round on a rather heavy-duty tiller aaaaand got stuck in the fucking mud in the garden! Well, well, well. Just as I’d said: too wet to till. BUT… I’m the moron. So the North half is mostly tilled, though not properly. The South half only one pass, one row. But he DID turn the “compost shit heap” for me. Yes, I was spot on. yes, I am delighted. FUCK THEM! – And so, memo sent at about 19.00 to Mme. Q. Two curt “thanks” for attending Hallie and Kitty. I’m ignoring her replies. And I had a beer. – later, when I went for my ice cream, I see she’s been in MY heavy cream! SHE gets half’n’half, I get have cream BUT SHE opens MY heavy cream. – As I showered tonight I though:
She truly is retarded. A spoiled little brat-child, throwing tantrums at the world. A recalcitrant little bitch who expects to get her way as she wants and she’s rather clinically narcissistic, self-important, doing for other only to appear in their good graces and esteem. her life is “Me-Mine” only and all good deeds serve to allow her the chance to say “See what’ I’ve done!” A socially, maladjusted little retard brat. She ven rewards ill-mannered behaviour: the Twats promise repeatedly to mow the lawn and don’t. But do so only once, they expect a 100$ break in rent and she gives it. They bang and stomp on her ceiling, lighting fixtures shake and rattle and she does nothing to stop it, does nothing to protect her property. And of course there’s the matter of the red house and THREE CONSECUTIVE house-wreckers there. Even with the Stanhopes… she gives them 8 months rent-free, 100 gallons of heating oil and three months free electricity! She rewards abusive behaviour and abuses kindness. Sick arse. – Well, I’ve got a rack of poles to inventory and parts to post and a new post for work to get done this week-end. I’ve decided to take a thumb drive for my work, to keep it off her lap-top AND as partial payment for my efforts. As they tell the HomeCare folks in Jamaica: augment your income as you can. As i say about Vermont: FUCK YOU!

Fri.5.May: 7.24 Tired and aching. And the clothes are in the wash. The rains are back. ’tis the season of “Mud”. My neck is stiff and sore, mood is depressed. I wonder why I’ve woken. (Is that even a proper word, “woken”? I don’t give a shit.) All those pages of web-coding, all the new coding I learned for nothing. useless, like me. Rod inventory. Packing empty glass jars. perhaps re-potting my few plants. Maybe transcribing this written journal. And, last night again, falling asleep thinking that I don’t care if I die in my sleep. I don’t, as a rule, want to die in this state, but there are moments when it doesn’t matter “where”, as long as Death comes to take me and there are no more “mornings” ever again. And there are now, the mornings of waking even in an empty house, when I know there’s no one whining, no stupidity to be confronted with or by, no nonsense or bull-shit to suffocate under, but there’s still the weight of doom, gloom and depression simply because my eyes open and I see where I am. It’s out there, hanging in the air. It’ all lurking some-where, any-where, every-where, all around… utter stupidity, ignorance. Cow-shit and bull-shit. it’s here, there, lurking, in the air, the water, the very existence of this place. I should be in pure delight, having made my way to where, for most of my life-time, I truly wanted to be: In the North Country. I’m here and have been. But some-how it’s the very wrong part. Instead of the stoic, thinking, useful part, I’ve come to where the rhythm of existence is the pulsing of the anal sphincter of Creation and each “tick” of passing time is another contraction, spitting out yet another stool, another turd, another bit of shit… useless, fetid shit. The stench and decay of by-product. It’s not the weather. I like the grey, the snows of Winter, the rains of Spring and Summer. I used to enjoy these days, always finding and having something wonderful and interesting to do. But not here. Everything I do is resented and no sooner done and the swarms of flies turn out, and immediately, they get to their “work” to destroy. I keep remembering the admonition of wise and sagely advice of Barbara Smith: You see an empty lot and find potential in it, new use and purpose, a flower garden to bring beauty or vegetable garden to provide food. You’re willing to do what’s needed to change the lot but how DARE you? For so long, people have passed that empty lot and done nothing to or about it. The house once there has simply decayed and the ground just gone fallow. And you come along and now expect people to WORK with and on it! How DARE YOU? WORK!? You want them to DO something, to maintain those flowers, tend those vegetables, WORK to keep the lot productive? For YEARS they did nothing, and just passed by. The don’t even see it any more and now YOU want them to care for and about it, to acknowledge and tend it! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? HOW DARE YOU? Expecting them to “WORK” now! Leave that place alone! Leave them alone. They’ve been perfectly happy all the while before you came along, doing nothing. leave them in their comfort and idle, apathetic happiness!
That was Newburgh, 2 square miles, a microcosm, a scale model of Vermont where the idiots and morons accepted the Socialists to govern them because they were promised “Free Shit” for doing nothing more than “being”. And too, the words of Mama, so very many years ago, when she spoke of Gene:
People call THEM “retarded” and say that something’s “wrong” with THEM. but look at him. He’s not worried about politics and such. His only concerns are his own comforts and meals. he laughs, smiles and goes on with his own matter. And us? We’re so concerned about thing that truly aren’t of any consequence to us. We fight wars for more land, compete with one another for control over things and places. We kill each-other… for what? Maybe we have it backwards. Maybe WE’RE the “retards” and THEY’RE the “normal” ones. – As I look around me I can’t help but wonder. I’m quite surrounded by idiots who take the smallest of matters and turn them into catastrophe and then… walk away from what-ever it was, is, becomes. I strive to keep the World in some “presentable order” as “I” see “proper”. The Global Idiots turn it all topsy-turvey, back to “chaos”. Einstein claimed that everything tends toward chaos. Well, if that’s true, then “chaos” is what Nature intends and the “chaos” created by these retards is how it’s all intended to be. – Bottom line and pages covered: Until such time when I’m returned to “my people”, those who share my appreciation of work, effort, toil, order, cleanliness and such, I need to keep my opinions and attitudes of “correct and wrong” to myself. Being here is like going from Calvary hospital to Wingdale. in Calvary we did our best to maintain the concept of “Human Dignity” for this in our care. In Wingdale we did our best to provide only needs and comforts. the lunatics ran the asylum. Welcome back to Wingdale. – 8.34 Was is done. On to the “next phase”./ – 23.25 In bed. Showered. Just getting into bed and a bit of a NOTE HERE. AS I WENT TO TURN THE TV OFF, AND TO SAY GOOD-NIGHT TO Ms. HALLIE WHO IS ON THE SOFA, I HEARD WHAT SOUNDED LIKE FOOT-STEPS ON THE CEILING IN THE FRON HALL. BUT THEY WERE AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS! SO IT SEEMS THE TWATS ROAM ABOUT IN THE PART OF THE HOUSE THAT’S NOT THEIRS. Perhaps the TV volume is too high and disturbs them? Poor little shit-bags. it was another evening of jumping about up there so… tough shit. The volume is up so I can hear what’s on. Oh well. (Sadly, I’m so prepared to take a hefty law-suit against them all here. makes me sick!) – Filled another day. Not sure how but I did. Went back to bed at some point, until almost 11.00. Managed to finish the rod and reel inventory and have confirmed that the old bat is a liar (or insane) yet again. She claimed a 400$ rod in the collection. The most expensive rod is 130 on ebay. the rest average 25-30. There’s one reel, Orvis, 169 new. The rest are 15.20. Now to figure how to sell and ship from here, with-out having it mentioned at the P.O. Although I could be sending to family. Disposing of my few remnants. – Speaking of which, I also repacked my jars into postal boxes. 4 of them. Very nice, meat and cleaner. Two less “odd” boxes. Appears to be less clutter too. And the white boxes are cleaner. – Tomorrow is re-posting for New york. – Oh! Kitty got tuna again this evening. Still waits for me to leave the barn before coming down to eat. Poor sweet-heart. There’s been a pile of some flannel sheets and blankets in a corner of the porch for the longest while, just covered in dirt. I took 4 (well, 5, but I’ve kept one, a hole in it of course, for me) and gave them a “Heavy Duty” wash, followed by an “Active Wear: and a “Rinse/Spin” cleaning. Tomorrow Kitty get a bit of bedding. They’re folded into a “pillow” of sorts. I’ll see that I can put together for the little love. Reminds me of my Homelessness, and nobody caring. Just like Mrs. Jesus here: wants the cat to keep the barn free of mice but won’t give the cat any comforts or necessities. All “talk” no “give”. Evil shit-bag. – Well, time for yet another “nap”. And again, tonight: May I not wake from this one. (I’ll keep wishing… NY or not at this point.)

Sat.6.May 9.22 Woke at 8. Out of bed at about 8.15. Loo. Coffee. Smoke. Hallie’s breakfast. Back to bed. Don’t give a fucking bloody shit (again, this morning). – 24.16 Well, I’m quite showered, in bed, waiting for the clothes to spin in a damned washer that needs to “balance” before spinning so this could be a while. It’s like everything around me: Whiny and retarded. That written and how-ever, today I posted the “new” plea on Crgslst on the new account. Her fucking lap-top almost wiped the thumb-drive! I took photos of the 169$ reel and posted to Selz for 98. At this point I’ll take the 98 if I get it. there are other reels and I’ll have to work on the “better” rods. then? Lap-top. Web-sites. Out of here! I may even get my USPS “retirement” for the lap-top. Then? Madame will have to take me to Québec. her dust in my hard-drive? Her trip so I can replace it. Qunt. – Finished a little bed for Kitty and put it in the upper barn. – Re-potted the house plants (mine) into some nicer soil, compliments of the green-house. – This evening, finished off half of the andouille for “meal” Had a beer and the Twisted Tea that Mme. got for me for painting Mrs. Mary. (A whole 2,50$! For wash, sand and 3 coats. Qunt.) – Other-wise, the sun was out from the afternoon through evening and tonight it’s back to rain. – Madame asked if I’d join her tomorrow. So Christian revival shit in Abercorn. Yeah. Sure. Surrounded my more hypocrites? Charming. NOT! – And now it’s late. Clothes in dryer. I’m going to be sorry at 8.00 but Hoover-one tomorrow. The floor bucket is in the green-house. She took it out there. I’m NOT picking up her towns nor cleaning-up her messes any more. And I wonder. Who does she expect will more her lawn? (I believe that she believes that I’ll be doing it. OK. 100$/month… in advance.) – My neck is popping terribly tonight. Stress and anxiety. And I close today’s entry with… Qunt.

Sun.7.May: 9.00, the rains have returned. I feel as if I slept under a moving truck. But I’m dressed. Should Hoover but don’t have the energy nor the desire. And am remembering the weather fore-cast I read before going to sleep: Chance of snow tomorrow. No accumulations but… No sense saying. We’ll see what come of it. Garden seedlings in the green-house. Oh well. No sense saying. Just let it roll. I don’t have any shits or fucks to give. – 18.18 By 11.00 I had my coffee and all else and Hoovered the house and began to wait for the return of… It was probably about 13.00 when she arrived, emptied the truck, went to the post office. I was putting white paint on one of the old political yard signs that haven’t been retrieved all Winter. Blank now for “For Sale”. If i ever get the strength and stamina again, maybe I’ll move it back to the yard. (The canoe.) “Oh my! Somebody must have stolen it!” Or something. Fuck you. “Maybe you can put the canoe back on the Internet.” she’s already said. Yeah. And maybe you can, at the very least, offer to help with a lap-top to replace the one your goons destroyed. I see neither happening. Anyway, an hour later she was back out the door, off to Abercorn. – Oh, she’s limping about, complaining of pain, caused by “those machines at Planet Fitness”. My opinion: she does the garden work and the “day” work of patient care on the job, whines about not having money but can piss away cash on an exercise club. OK. Nope. Add to that: today she gets some request for a donation from some place she “won” some kind of seasonal pass to some shows and says “I should send them some money.” Hello? At the same time, telling me that she just sent shit pay-cheque out to pay some bill and only a week ago stuffed 800$ into her zippy banque pouch. .. rent from her Twats. Mean-while, the dog’s dry food is down, she wants to cat to stay in the barn and I feed it, “contributions to odd “religious” junk mail, dirt for seedlings that might freeze in the next 24 hours (hints of snow tonight and tomorrow). And I spent 16 months in a shelter, making 6$ and hour, doing with-out to get out of that shelter. (To get to this shit-hole.) Sickeningly sick. – Now, at 18.32, I’m in the little room with a space heater to keep the cold and damp away. Just high enough to ward-off the dampness really. She’s still “out there” and her Twats are running amok, stomping ALL over the place up-stairs. Poor Hallie. I know WTF is going on over her. All she knows is the noise. – In a short while I’m going to pull the plug on this day. Just being awake exhausts me. May I lay me down to sleep, close my eyes and cease to breathe. Death, even here, is welcome. – 24.20 Closing out the day at last. – At about 19.30 I was so tired. i put on my jammies, grabbed the new old flannel, put it in the sleeping bag and went to bed. I figured she’d be back sooner or later, I’d hear her come in and just be able to back to sleep. Well, it didn’t quite run like that. I fell into a regular sleep and had a DREAM:
I was at Oma’s, living there but understandably only temporally. It was night. I was in the back bed-room where we always stayed. The ceiling light was on. It was late. I heard her come in, down-stairs. She was talking to a young man. I didn’t see him, just heard his coice. She acme up-stairs and went into the bath-room. I went down the hall and got there just as she closed the door. I heard her open the water for a shower and I called “Herzlich Wilkommen” and went back to the room to find water gushing through a crack in the ceiling. It was spraying onto the bed too. Some-how I knew that it happened once before, when she showered, but not when she used the batch. Still, it was quite a lot of water. I headed out of the room and to the bath-room to tell her and as I approached, she came out wearing only a towel on her head. Her belly was quite fat and dropped low enough to cover parts below. She wasn’t taken by surprise by my presence. Calmly, i told her to come to the room to see the leak. She got to the door, looked in. I stepped into the room, the water was well over ankle-deep! “We’ll have to put something over (the carpeting” where it turns black.” she said, thinking of mould and water damage, and she went back to her shower. I laid, face-down, on the floor. The water was deep enough for me to float in it. Suddenly, the carpeting heaved, bubbled up, then down as the water drained down through the floor. I heard Oma, in the loo. She was talking, on a phone. In a school-girl tone she said, quite loudly, “OK YOU! Aren’t you the gentle man?” and I thought “You don’t even know him! You don’t know what he’s really like. But… never mind.” I some-what swam over to a corner, by the dresser, As the water receded, coins were washed out from under the furniture. First, a quarter, then 2 dimes, 2 pennies. “Not much.” I thought and wondered if there wasn’t more some-where. I began rolling the carpet back, noticed there was linoleum under it. It too had “bubbled-up” and I began to be concerned, realising that all that water in the room was going through the floor and into the room down-stairs! I woke –
I laid in bed, thinking I should note the dream but wanting to go back to sleep. When curiosity about the time got me, I checked: 22.07 and Jacquie still hadn’t returned. Hallie was wandering about so I got up, put on my jeans and brought her out for a ‘moke. had a bit of a craving for hot milk. Put on a bit of half’n’half with some heavy cream, put on the TV and sat pondering: When she left, her hip hurt. Was she in hospital? Did she have an accident in the truck? If she’d died, what will her kids do, throw me out immediately? Did she have too much wine and decided to stay the night? Back to TV. – It was about 23.30 when she got in, looking sore. I pushed a kitchen chair toward her and she crashed into it! I asked “Pain? Fatigue? Too much wine? All of the above?” It was all of the above, she admitted. And admitted she couldn’t remember how she drove back from Freligsburgh. (I can’t imagine how Customs didn’t have her followed!) – Well, she settled into the recliner, told me they’d had a beautiful dinner and that there’d been a place set for me. And she fell asleep so I came to bed. – MUST ADD HERE: I’d checked for messages on e-mail earlier and scrolled all the way back to the beginning of NYC8539266 and found the message from Belinda with the Dorothy Morrison “Rain” MP3!!! 14 JULY 2011. I was in Peninsula library when I received it. I recall… vividly! Well tonight, almost 6 years later, it’s on the phone and part has been converted to my 7.00 alarm. – 5 years, 7 months, still in the shit.

Mon.8.May: 14.00 I was up at about 8.00. Mme. was on the soda, I imagine because of the fracas above her in her bed-room. If so, for which I’m thankful. just desserts. And the day has gone by quite peacefully. Due, in most part, to her “condition”. – Yes, indeed, as forecast, we’ve had *** FLOCONS *** on and off all day. Truly quite the “brisk” day. I’ve spent most of it in the room, going over my printed pass-words and communicating on Twtr…. – Last night I ran the heater in the room so when I left the room this morning, the house was quite cold. The radiator is on in the kitchen and I do believe the furnace is running a touch as well. yes, indeed. When I’m here and she’s not, the expectation is that it’s perfectly OK to freeze. but when she’s “at home” the story is much to the contrary. – This morning, Adam’s attempt at tilling was briefly discussed. She angry that he didn’t finish. It just doesn’t register (or sink in) that the ground is just too fucking wet and fort! General retardation. – Her Andrew is due at about 15.00. To put some seeds into some trays, or some nonsense. it’s fucking COLD out there BUT her show must go on as SHE directs. The door to the green-house has been open from since yesterday. It’ll be of some interest to see what survives this cold. I’m firm in my resolve to avoid any involvement. Dog and house-keeper: 420$/month. Yard-work additional. I should record the time and calculate at 15$/hour (since she’d paid 11$/hour to “sleep” on her job.) – Tomorrow, she’ll be away for job-related “in-service” of sorts. Wednesday to take her Lis to BTV. Thursday return to “regular week-end”. And I shall be happy with and make use of this time. – Today, seriously pondering taking my TSP from the P.O. Will phone them tomorrow and see about direct deposit. I’ve no doubt they’re going to give me shit. But if I can get a lap-top I can get back to some work! And if I have to pay the lap-top, well… Truth is: As Jamaica teaches, augment as necessary. As the Shelter teaches: God makes needed resources available. it’s time I stop being so bloody stupid. – 20.30 and ready to try to close the day. Cold out there and the slightest bit of snow falling. Mme. is out on her royal recliner. She woke briefly, completely ignored my presence on the sofa, reached for the remote and with-out a sound, changed the channel. I don’t mind the channel change but a simple “Are you interested in what’s on?” or something would have been considerate. – USPS bull-shit. I got the form I need for my money. They don’t direct deposit out-side the U.S.! So I’ll phone tomorrow. maybe this week I’ll do Soc.Sec. too. Anything, at this point. And mailing boxes for rods, a couple more reels. What-ever it takes. I’ve already forked out 45$ to feed Hallie and Kitty since April. Yes, FS. But it’s the principal. Not to mention I’d forgotten until it was mentioned again today: Her income is salary, rent and Social Security! And she’s pissing money away on dirt and shit on a garden when what she already has will more than do. And I’m feeding pets and am not worth the smokes. Well, at least no more sitting and sleeping in the cold. I’ve got the heater and a door that closes. (Warm tonight though. She’s not well.) – Her Andrew came, worked until 17.00, in the cold. And she got him to order more shit for the garden. – Adam came by to tell of getting stuck trying to till. She’s got no compassion. I’m learning. – Just need to take what-ever is available and work with it! – Quiet up-stairs tonight. hopefully it’ll pick up in a while.

Tue.9.May: 8.14 Clouds in the sky. Looks like it’s gonna rain. It’s gonna RAIN! – Empty house. My back hurts. my gut rumbles. My hand doesn’t want to hold this pen. There’s a bit of sun-shine in the sky. It’s 74F in this room. 40-something F out-side. And the world is still wet from all the rain. TSP, Soc.Sec. and Etsy on the agenda. There’s a Grand Fucking lurking some-where, out there, in here, all around. Another day and I’m on my own, alone again… naturally. – 22.18 – 23.19 Had to check e-mail before continuing because… this morning was, well
THE BEGINNING
OF
THE END
IT’S TIME TO DEPART
REALLY…
*APPLICATION FOR SOCIAL SECURITY RETIREMENT IS FILED. I rang to get a copy of my statement and was told I can apply THIS MONTH and that my first payment will come in OCTOBER 2017… IN 5 MONTHS!
*POSTAL ACCOUNT? DELAYED! WHY? BECAUSE USPS FUCKED-UP AND NEVER REPORTED MY RESIGNATION! SO NOW, TSP HAS TO INVESTIGATE, SEND A LETTER TO GET CONFIRMATION. IT COULD TAKE 10-30 DAYS LONGER TO GET MY LOUSY 358$!
I see trouble coming… for BOTH, Social Security AND TSP! Vermont fucks me over AGAIN! It it’s not settled by June, I’m not going through the bull-shit. tomorrow, my WAR commences. ALL OUT WAR! I’ll go, but I’m taking folks down first.
let the blood-letting and shedding commence! I’m at the end. I have nothing to care about any longer. – meanwhile, I got the length of Jacquie’s sunflower bed done. used the motor-cart to bring remaining grass to the front of the house. (She was out until 17.30 today.) So much easier that way. And this evening she gave me 100$ from her Shomali commission “For your help with Shomali and care of Hallie.” Well, quite honestly, that’s ONE week-end of the 300$ it would have cost her to board Hallie but it’s fine. I need to find a way to get it into the banque soon. i see a day of a lot of walking coming next week. Oh well. it would put me at 50% of a lap-top. Now to get book and reel sales going. I’d like to get DeadArtist and all blogs cleaned before check-out in New York. – Well, it’s mid-night. The heater is on. I’ve had my smoke. Jacquie will be leaving at 9.00 in the morning. I’ve nothing terribly pressing for the day, but a lot to ponder, plot and plan.

Wed.10.May: 21.30 Showered. In bed. Showered because LAWN MOWED TODAY! Not sure why, mostly because it reflects on me and my residential status…. AND yes, because it makes other in town “look bad”. I believe the old gas that was in the barn, messed-up the black mower. But Madame said “There’s gas n the little ans.” So I used it. I’ve told her of the damage, stressing that I won’t be trying to fix it. I mow. Your lawn. your mower. you fix. the end. OK. Buh-bye. – She was gone by 8.00. I was out to mow by noon. She rolled back in at about 16.00. I was done with all but the “garden area” by about 17.00. – over dinner she said she’ll pay me for lawn-mowing. We shall see where that goes. She knocks 100$ off the Twats’ rent when they mow. If they pay 800$ rent, giving me the 100$ would be the same as not taking it. But I know better. We shall see. I’ll be proved right: No 100$ for me! – Needed the shower tonight. Hoping to finish the mowing tomorrow. Fresh “high-test” in the barn. – PS. Skype phone plan auto-renewed today. That month zipped by quickly! I have to make more calls! But Soc.Sec. and TSP? I’m thankful to/for Skype. – PS: Kitty’s using the bed!

Thu.11.May: 9.14 Been awake from since 7.00. Out of bed at 8.00. Checking soc.med. on phone. Cloudy this morning. No immediate mowing. Hoping Mme. will have pre-work errands but doesn’t seem likely. – OH! I (over) hear: She plans some Jesus-selling in early June and a trip to the North-West c.17 July! – 22.37 Showered. In bed. Hallie’s in the hall, just out-side the door. i don’t know why. – Me? Today? By about 9.30 I was out. Weeded and trimmed/cut the peonies along the drive. moved on to mow the back, garden-lawn. i have to admit “Vermont style”. It’s mowed. not as I’d normally but it all “appears” nice. At 14.00, in. Jacquie made sandwiches. A bit to eat and well… EXACTLY AS BOBO USED TO DO WHEN I MOWED AT 5225… JACQUIE DUG UP WEEDS AND THREW THEM ON THE LAWN!!! Yes, I spoke on it. Yes, she picked them up. THESE IDIOTS, SCUM, FUCKING IGNORANT AND DISRESPECTFUL INGRATE RETARDS! CLASSLESS SHIT-BAGS! THE ENTIRE BLOODY LOT OF WASTE!!! So she rolls out by about 14.45. I got a ladder and climbed the maple to cut dead limbs. The sun shone in my eyes so I couldn’t see. Gnats surrounded my face and the naproxyn was tiring me. I got one limb by sawing, pulling with a rope and finishing off by swinging. Fuck it. – Went to the store for bread, ice cream, half’n’half, cream and 2 tins of Kitty tuna. At the store, Bobo on the street. i walked right by. Not a word. Good. I don’t need to be associated with that. – Back at the farm, Hallie’s hotdogs cooked. Kitty was in the little bed I made when I brought the tuna up. that does my heart SO much good. A comfy little bed. I’m going to see what I can put together for better protection, in the barn, up-stairs. i KNOW Mme. Jesus-Loves-Me won’t do shit for the little one. FUCK! Won’t even get food! (I took the 10$ left on the table that was for the 6$ turkey. It’s 5 tins of tuna… out of the 6 I’ve gotten from my FS.) – And so, the day is done. I’m tired. One last smoke as soon as I can get away ALONE and…? With all the Hate in Creation… tomorrow. (May I be dead.)

Fri.12.May: 8.08 DREAM:
I’d gone back to NYC with all that I needed: job and flat. All was perfect when I left from where-ever it was that I’d been. Even re-connected with friends. It was a cloudy, rather chill, damp day. Arrived and got to the flat, but had to go directly to the job. Got there, started right into the work that morning. But when I returned form lunch, called into the HR office. For some obscure and never actually said they “couldn’t” hire me! I’d be paid for the day but had to leave immediately. I was painfully shocked but was OK because getting the day’s wage, which was quite good. it would have been a week’s salary equal to a month’s rent. I left the office and went out to meet the “friends”, to look for another job right away. it was cold, damp and getting dark. With about 3 “friends”, walked around The City, in the are of 24th and 3rd. But the area, in the dream, was odd, the buildings were run-down and filthy, more like to old West Side on 42nd. My flat was here, some-where. I invited the folk to dinner later that evening and we parted. i went to go to the flat but when I got to the building the super met me at the door, on the street. he’d rented the flat to somebody else! “Sorry.” he said, “It was a mistake. you didn’t get it in the first place. Oh well.” My few pieces of luggage that I’d left in the flat were gone, put to the curb as trash. i had nothing now, no job, no housing! Headed for the subway. I’d go up to Bedford Park/Norwood, try to find people I know up there. Try to find a place to stay, even for the night. Got on the train and dozed-off. When I woke… (Out of order. Before going to the train…) In the building where I supposed to have the job, i was with some people from the company in a rather abandoned room or area. it was open space, windy, cold. There was a large cage in which they’d put old papers to burn, use it to keep warm as they took their break. We talked about my situation. Their general attitudes was “Oh. Too bad.” I gathered some papers, stacked them in the cage to re-start the fire, but I had to leave. As I walked away, I heard the fire going and was pleased. The wind got it going again. “All you need to know is how to stack it right.” I thought. (Then… out on the street with some friends…)(OK… to continue…) When I wok, on the train, I looked out the window. Trees, open space. Similar to a combination Mosholu Pkway Norwood and E. Gunhill Rd. The sign (street sign) read “Van Nest”. It was all the way at the end of the line! I’d have to walk back down to Norwood from here and it was very late evening already and nobody there knew I was back in The City. I didn’t even know if anybody I’d known there still lived there! I had to hurry! Off the train and onto the street, people every-where! I had to push my way through the crowd. if i could get to the el at Jerome Ave I might be able to get a train back down to Mosholu. But I had to hurry and the people were in the way! As I scurried through, the thought struck me: I have no place to go to and no job!!! The reality was devastatingly crushing!!! And I woke just before my 7.00 alarm…
-OK. Sun shining. Had coffee, smoke. Hallie’s awake. Time to get the day rolling. Relatively warm morning, but THAT POMPTED THATR DREAM? Stand by. Stay tuned. here it comes… what-ever “it” may be. – 23.22 What a day! – But before I jot, a thought came to mind as I was showering:
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
SHE’S MAKING PLANS FOR ONE OF HER ROAD-TRIPS AT THE BEGINNING OF JUNE *AND* A FLIGHT TO WASHINGTON, MID-JULY. * KNOWING THAT HAVING A LAP-TOP COULD ENABLE ME TO HAVE AN INCOME * AND THAT I’D ALREADY CODED 200 PAGES * AND * THAT MY COMMUNCIATIONS ARE VIA COMPUTER * SHE’S NEVER EVEN ONCE OFFERED TO EVEN HELP TO REPLACE MINE! * WHINING THE FINANCIAL BLUES SHA CAN PLAN TRIPS, ASSUMING HER HOUSE AND MS. HALLIE WILL BE ATTENDED… BY ME! * BUT NOT EVEN “OFFER” AND HELP TO BETTER MY SITUATION. * A thought I must keep in the fore-front of my mind. And another thought from tonight’s shower:
* “YOU’RE FREE TO LEAEV WHEN-EVER YOU WANT TO GO.” * GEE MS. QUNT. I HAD THEVERY DREAM OF MY LIFE-TIME COME TRUE * BUT * LOST * IT * BECAUSE * I * WENT * TO * COURT * TO * HELP * YOU! * FUCK ME! 8 EH? *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
That noted… I lolled through the morning, rather tired, as usual, until I just couldn’t lol any more. At about 14.00, I headed out, rather intending to try cutting those dead limbs from that maple tree but, truth be known, I’m a touch nervous about tree-climbing, what, with the numbness of my feet and legs and the constant pain in my back/ It would be different if ANY WORK done for any of these parasites was even mildly appreciated. But fuck me if I’ll risk a disability for these shit-bags. But the sun was shining and I needed to do something and by 18.00 (4 solid hours) the shit behind the phone shed is cleared away! Magnificent! The hoses are wound and tied under a table in the barn as are the useless tarps. Old political signs are under the barn stairs. The windows and screens are beside the barn by the pines. Scrap lumber propped against the wall in the barn. All cleaned and mowed. I’ll say nothing and see how long it takes before it’s noticed. fuck – But some GREAT NEWS: This evening, Kitty didn’t run away from me when I brought tuna! and s/he’s actually enjoying the little bed I made! For me, that means The World! A comfy bed and good food.. (Much more than Mme. Jesusqunt does. But she can afford all sorts of trips and wants… WANTS the cat around to keep mice and rats out of the barn. Shit-bag.) – And so, “meal” at 18.00 was finishing left-over rice and peas and a piece of cod. A bit of ice cream. And this evening, 2 beers. – Oh and PS: the grass seed is sprouting out front. – 24.18 Laundry’s done. I’m showered. Rain in tonight’s forecast and I WANT TO GO BACK TO NEW YORK STATE! (I wonder what that dream was about.) Other-wise… The End.

Sat.13.May: (at 0.20 or 24.20 on Sunday morning) Fresh out of the shower Little heater on in the room to keep the damp chill away. Ms. Hallie in the hallway out-side the door to the room to make certain she’s not left alone. And I suppose, even though I actually started this day quite late along (primarily due to not giving half a fucking bloody shit about much of anything as has become my “norm”, I actually DID accomplish something with it: put 2 rods on Selz and a fresh post for NY on the 4 categories on Crgslst! Sent an e-mail to Belinda too, having found her e-mail and “RAIN” from July of 2011. Posted a notice about the rods on fesses-book. I KNOW that will get me nothing. Just like posting to Twtr. i need to get to Mind, Ello and others, NOT, mind, that I expect anything from ANY of THEM wither. But hey! I look at politicians who do worse and there’s admiration for persistence. WTF? – Concern tonight: brought tuna to Kitty this evening but Kitty wasn’t there! I an only hop, with a while heart, that nothing’s wrong. I want only good for the little creature. I’m attached in “Homeless Spirit”. I still need to figure a protective little shelter, even in the barn. I know for a fact, Mme. won’t do anything for her. (I believe Kitty is a “her” but will check when possible.) – Error of the day: Mike, from next to the “red house” rang here. Thinking Mme. might want to know about things over there, I sent her a text message to let her know of the all. ALMOST IMMEDIATELY she rang the house. I didn’t pick-up. She left a message… didn’t have Mike’s number… I SHOULD LOOK IT UP IN THE PHONE BOOK AND SEND IT TO HER! Lazy, entitled qunt! I ignored it. DO YOU OWN FUCKING “LOOK IT UP”! NOT MY FUCKING BUSINESS! Apparently she did, sent a text to say they think Stanhopes are gone. Now I’m willing to bet she’ll bee-line over there in spite of the fact that “legally” (which means nothing to these retards here), Stanhopes have until midnight Monday to vacate. I actually hope she does go, or gets some shit-for-brains to go for her and gets caught. I, most certainly won’t defend AND I, most certainly won’t advise. Let it roll! – Well, that’s that for today, Saturday. As I write, it’s Sunday, and a light rain is falling. Hallie’s still on guard at my door, the heater is cycling, maintaining a comforting 77F in the room. I’m bloody fucking done with this day.

Sun.14.May: “Mothers’ Day” 2017… 1.14 My Mother is gone almost 29 years this year, and I no longer give a shit about anybody else’s Mother. Yes, admittedly, I’m bitter. Tough shit. Too bad. Fuck off. – 9.47 and only just getting started with the day. Heard and slept through both alarms. And honestly, I could go right back to sleep. I’m that tired this morning. Ah, but there was a bit of some “marching band” practise going on above for about half an hour, followed by hammering already this morning so “sleep”, or even “repose” is out of the very question. The Twats have risen, so to, the world. – Meanwhile, this house is quite the mess. A little surface cleaning, for appearance and that will be that. – It’s drizzling out there, so no “work in the great out of doors”… not that I give a shit. And Mme. informs that if her bestie, Mr. Harold, is out of ICU, she’ll be going to visit today. – I’m going to ask about a trip to the banque during the week. The cash-on-hand does me better there than here. one never knows when or where it will be needed and here, it can only go to the local bordello… a.k.a. General Store. Nope on that. – (I’ll bet there’ll be some sort of bull-shit when “I” ask for the lift to the banque. I mean, when I’ve spoken about walking to St-Albans and such, there was the ado of “Why didn’t you ask for a ride?” And when I’ve asked just to go to the banque before, it’s been a bit of a production of the Metro and lunch and… as if it were a trip to the Euro-continent. But as ’tis said: Ask and there’s a 50/50 yes/no. Don’t ask and it’s 100% “no”. Well… Fuck. – And the hammering above continues. I’ll also bet that they’ve (the Twats) all but destroyed that place. oh well… none of my concern. It’s truly a matter of “Just Desserts”. It’s the way in which these morons are happiest, these little “Scat Rats”. (Bless their hearts… as the Southerners call it.) – 23.17 So many images to be added to Woodhauler and she didn’t roll in until 20.00 and I got none of MY work done! But I Hoovered and did the kitchen floor. Ah, but I also ordered mailing tubes for the rods which I can “pack-away” then. And more, i hope. No more wasting potential resources. Just add them to my packing. One of these days. – Other-wise, a drizzly day of doing nothing is done. Now let’s see if I get to the banque tomorrow. – She came in, had left-over pizza, 2 glasses of wine and passed out. i came to the room at 22.00, put the heater on. checked my soc.med. She went to bed at about 22.45. Again, let’s see if I get to the banque tomorrow. – Just so fed-up with the bull-shit. She drove from BTV to Montgomery to fetch her Carolyn to bring her to Harold in BTV and then back to Montgomery and here. One trip to Bedford? Let’s see. I doubt it… *15.23 And no, no trip to Bedford. I’m at the table in the “white room” having just done the “For Sale” sign for the canoe on the porch. I didn’t put much effort into it. It was more to keep “busy”, to stay to myself, “out of the way”. as it were. – Almost first thing this morning she got on the phone. A call to “a friend”. I was asked if I wanted to join them… off to the “red house”. I declined, considering the court gave until mid-night today. “We’ll be back. And if we’re not…” I replied “I’ll do for you what Vermont’s done for me for 6 years.” She put in a call to her Peter and left. i got to sign-painting. A little while later, a call from said peter advising “tomorrow” she could go to the house to check. Yep. And even now, no admission that I was correct. but when she returned, she went right into whining about damages and that it needs cleaning and that Dave could make repairs. *

Mon.15.May: * I’m SO out of it I just went right into writing! Fuck me! – 21.45 In bed and to continue with the general bull-shit that is this house, town, country and state of shit, bull and other-wise. – And so, when I hard the whining begin, I simply shut down and went silent. When she had the fucking audacity to TELL ME that Dave would make repairs my mind snapped and went to thoughts of things I could do to “escape” the fucking nonsense. And so, I opted for painting the sign. Ipod, my music, up to a volume of my choice, I sketched, painted, sang… gospel, Hebrew, Spanish. – She came into the room to ask if I’d turned the water to the green-house off. “I don’t feel like going to the cellar to check.” No, I didn’t turn the water off. BUT YOU fucked with the hydrant and now it’s broken. What I didn’t bother to say is: I TOLD YOU DON’T USE THE HANDLE ON THE HYDRANT WHICH IS WHY THE NOZZLE WAS REPAIRED BUT YOU FUCKING DON’T LISTEN. She obviously expected me to do something to check the water or repair the hydrant and when I simply continued with the sign and my singing, she sulked out of the room. Fine and dandy. – The sign is done. The canoe is on the porch. If any thing is said about moving it I shall recommend that her “friend Dave” move it. (If it gets sold, I’ll be sure to be paid for 2 seasons of moving it from and to the porch and computer time listing it. I sold the fucking splitter. 1250$. She tossed 100$ at me. Nope. Not again. – That said a little REMINDER that on Friday, I cleaned the shit from behind the phone shed. this evening, Mrs. Twat came down to chat about looking at the red house. They’re (the Twats) thinking of buying it. (Adam recently told Mme. of a friend of his who’s also interested but instead of giving BOTH parties the opportunity, Mme.’s stuffing it all in for the Twats. Maybe just to get them out of this house? We shall probably see.) OK. So more shine, shine, shine about “damaged walls”, etc. and THEN a mention of calling some junk haulers to come get the trash from… BEHIND THE PHONE SHED! NOW AIT… WAIT… WAIT… THIS AFTERNOON SHE DID SOME WORK IN THE GREEN-HOUSE AND, HAD TO GET WATER FROM THE HYDRANT AT THE BARN. SHE’D TOLD ME THAT THAT’S WHERE SHE’D GOTTEN WATER WHICH MEANS SHE WALKED RIGHT ALONG THE BACK SIDE OF THE PHONE SHED… AT LEAST TWICE! TO AND FROM THE BARN. AND YET, SHE NEVER NOTICED THA TTHERE’S NO MORE SHIT THERE! NOTE: I’VE STILL NOT MENTIONED IT. QUNT! OK. Let’s add this morning when I went for my smoke. As I’m standing out back, she comes strolling out and comments “That’s a big branch there.” referring to the one I cut off the maple, also this week-end past. “One down. Three to go.” I replied. “How did you do that?” I pointed to the ladder (bright orange) leaning against the porch. “Climbed the ladder, used the hand-saw from the kithen.” and before I could end my sentence she blurts “And it just came down.”, she turned and went back into the house. – I’m quite rather stuck here for a while. There are many little “chores” to occupy my tie and keep me away from her. I’m focusing on “sellables” to which I do, with clear conscience and light heart believe now I am legally and morally entitled. I’ve been most stupid in the past. Those times are over and done, lesson well-learnt and the blatant abuse is finished. She’s ill, mentally. And Stanhope’s call on her character? “Evil, Evil, EEVIL BITCH!”? Rather spot-on, I’d say. though I do believe QUNT” covers it a touch better. I’ve come to realise that it’s quite intentional. She’s delusional. Convinced that she’s entitled to work, gifts, kindnesses. And she’s quite particular about whom she favours and whom she abuses. It’s not daft. it’s intentional. Well, I anticipate turmoil at some point. meanwhile I say again as I said this morning:
I’LL DO FOR YOU WHAT VERMONT’S DONE FOR ME
FOR SIX YEARS.
And now, 22.52, the house is still, one more smoke and a run through soc.med. And, by the way, I called it: NO Bedford. – PS: Lyle died 1 year ago today… with assistance from Bob and Penny. Tomorrow should be interesting: 2 years ago, Cecil died.

Tue.16.May: 8.14 A clear, comfy sort of morning that commences with insults. “That Andrew…” “not very smart”. I note: I said “Write a list”. I said “Sit down with him and explain.” He’s never done gardening. Well, no list, no explaining. Better to say “He’s not very smart”. Entitled qunt. And the very first thing in the morning! Yes. It’s a lovely day. – Oddly, she asked how I slept last night. Last night? I wonder why she asks about “last night”. She’s never asked before. So I answered honestly “No different from any other night.” – Thankfully I’ve a list of “Avoidance Chores” for today: the lily-bed is long, clean the front of the house is a bit quick. But they both serve the purpose: AVOIDANCE. – 23.40 In bed. Showered. – The day? From 9.30-14.00 I weeded about half of the lily-bed. At one point Mme. came to chat. She’d made the appointment for the trash removal for tomorrow. I asked “For what?” She mentioned the phone shed. I suggested she look. She went away and on return simply asked, repeatedly, where the trash went. I didn’t tell. I pointed out that she passed the shed at least twice yesterday and again “twice today”. “I look at it at least a few times each week” she’d claimed. Anyway… NO THANKS. I merely said “You’re welcome.” and went back to the lily-bed. – At “tea break” I mentioned going to Bedford to the banque. At 15.30 we went. I drove. 1110 brought 144 for 3289. if only the return exchange could be as good (or even par). We stopped for ice cream before returning the Rona’s for fucking mulch! Piss away even more money she claims she doesn’t have. But it was 3,99 per at Rona’s and 4,99 at McCuin’s! 5 bags at Rona’s. Good savings for her. Stopped at McCuin’s for potting shit and some fertiliser. Piss away more money. – Stopped at the red house when back in Freaklin. The Twats were there to look at the place. Allegedly a wall’s not flat and it’s not as perfect as they want. Fucking shit-bags. Oh well. Twats. – Back, I did moments more on the lily-bed. Another 5,97$ for 3 tins of tuna for Kitty who wasn’t there when I brought dinner. Oh well. – Mme. went to church meeting. I had 2 cheese sandwiches for daily meal. – Watched TV together then went to bed. I watched a programme: cure leukemia with HIV cells! WOW! – Showered tonight with “Irish Spring”… fro the Shelter! – PS: She’s planning TWO WEEKS in Washington! I’ve no idea when. Expecting me to attend the house? Qunt.

Wed.17.May: 23.27 Showered. in bed. Done with soc.med. – 10-14.00 finished weeding the lily-bed. Lunch break of iced tea. Mme. napped. I watered the front yard and added the “old” grass seed and watered that in exceptionally well. Then planted the phlox by Mrs. Mary, geraniums in the planters. At 17.30 went to the red house to meed Matt Nichols, prospective buyer, with Mme. and saw the house. Of course the “damages” she’s claimed aren’t as bad as told. I, alone, could repair the one wall in very few hours but she says “Dave says you’ve got a lot to do already.” Such bull-shit. Really. BUT the lawn over there needs mowing. She says Curtis would prob. charge her 45$. She wants me to use the ride-on and do it. Yep. I’ll bet for much less than 45. however, she’s agreed to give me 100$ per month to mow 5199. I highly doubt that will happen. if so, I’m owed 100 already for May. IF it’s to come at all, I’m betting I’ll get 100 from the up-stairs rent for June and the 100 she claimed was for “help with Shomali” will become “for mowing” Time will tell for certain but I doubt I’m wrong. – Yesterday, Mrs. Twat’s father claimed a wall in the red house bowed. Claimed a flaw in the foundation but never went to the basement. Ah, I saw. Basement perfectly dry. Foundation in perfect condition. More Fucktarderie. – Matt, box 11, remembered me from the P.O.! How funny. “Freaklin knows me.” Oh my. – This morning, Dickie C. stopped to chat. The Twats’ dog jumped up on his truck! He yelled to Mr. Twat that the dog should be on a leash and had better not have scratched the truck. Twat yelled something back that included a threat of arse-kicking. I “informed” Mme. of the incident as well as, if he, her “beautiful boy buttercup” so much as touched ME I’ll be suing HER. “Conflict Summer 2017” commences. – Well, we’ll see about the mowing fees. I’ll be doing a bit of “make pretty” for the red house… mere to occupy my time here in hell. I’ll get nothing for the effort. – NOTE: She’d booked to fly to WA on 18 July for 2 weeks. – NOTE: She took 3200$ from her 401k for something several months ago and says it’s already back! Remind me of Guadagno: Stinking filth with money and crying poverty. Mme. isn’t that wealthy but cash exists. She’ll pay others for work but not me. I see how it goes. – She bought a box of dry food for Kitty. This evening I brought dinner to the barn. poor Kitty went right for the food, “meowed” at me too. poor little thing. – BIF black BEETLE in the room some-where! FUCK! Probably under the bed or… Great comfort for “sleep”. – Fan on in the window tonight. Fucking miserably HOT all day and to be hotter tomorrow. SHIT!

Thu18.May: 9.21 Sunny. Bright and must be close to 30°! A terribly fitful night of coughing followed by repeated dreams of yelling that woke me. I don’t recall the particulars, only the anger and yelling. The last dream though I recall:
Attending a Catholic mass in an auditorium. Reciting Catholic prayers. I was wearing my kippa. The man leading the service smiled, impressed that I knew the service and prayers. he too, wearing a kippa. I understood that her was there because we had no synagogue and he felt it better to be in a house of worship than not. I thought, in silence “We really ARE being eliminated.”
And so, this morning, out of bed at about 8.30. Coffee. Smoke and Mme. all in a fucking rush to pull me into her frenzy. And here I am, journalling. There are TWO lawns to be mowed and a bit of landscaping at the red house… I’ve NO doubt she’ll dodge paying so all will be done in MY time, not hers. I’s MY “avoidance therapy”… FTW. – A charming start to another fucking day. – 23.45 In bed at LONG fucking last! Showered and tired in the 27° HEAT! After a day of MUCH HOTTER! AND GETTING WATER BACK AT THE GREEN-HOUSE A-FUCKING-GAIN! And today, her Andrew got a bit of an ear-full as well. he now knows SOME of that to expect from his efforts with the fucking garden. – I mowed by the lily-bed, Got the ride-on started but couldn’t get the blades to engage. The battery went dead so I re-charged it. Got it started and it died again. PUSHED it back into the barn… as Andrew looked-on. BUT Dickie C. came to help me… TWICE! – There’s a nasty note tacked in the green-house and an equally nasty text message was sent to Mme: DO NOT TURN THE FUCKING WATER OFF AT THE FUCKING HYDRANT! And SAD THAT ONE CAN’T BE CIVIL. Fucking retards… ALL. – Ah… as I mentioned, I mowed along the lily-bed. SHE CAME RIGHT ALONG AND AGAIN, TOSSED WEEDS ON THE MOWED AREA! SHE’S FUCKING MENTALLY ILL AND FUCKING PSYCHOTIC! If ever the opportunity were to present, I’ll be more than happy to defend Stanhope at this point because after what I’ve witnessed, I’ve NO doubt that she very well may have made some kind of deal with him about buying that house and then reneged. She’s a deluded… SELF=deluded, entitled, psychotic liar. OR… “Typical Christian” as I know them to be. I’m wiser now. And as for the cries of “poverty”? Local rumours are that she does, in fact, have quite a bit. As I see her pissing it away of shit, i believe the rumours. – Meanwhile, I’ve a residence. As I’ve already let her know, I’ll leave at my will, not hers. If she wants different. we’re off to court. (I’ll find Stanhope and let HIM have at her in front of a judge.) I now know this town. Fuck them ALL! – That said, Kitty got more tuna this evening. A “meow” for me and no running away. It means “all” to me to have that trust. – Storms in the fore-cast. I can only hope. We’ve had 2, each about 3-5minutes. may there be more, and violent. – No word from TSP of Soc.Sec. I have to tart keeping a record. – FOCUS ON THE 17TH!!!

Fri.19.May: 8.16 WOW! Heard the 7.00 alarm and stayed in bed, as I tend to do. It’s cloudy this morning anyway. At the 8.00 alarm, I turned the alarm off after the first of 4 “Clouds in the sky…”, decided to get up and out of bed and, for no particular reason, my head felt as if it were about to EXplode and my chest as if it would IMplode! WHAT an anxiety attack! What a shame it wasn’t a heart attack. But no… it wasn’t. And I’ve had my coffee and smoke. Hallie’s had her breakfast. The was is on the spin and this cloudy, warm, but cooler day is on the roll. – FUCK me… again. – 23.55 In bed. At last. Delightfully showered. Floors Hoovered. And… one stack of plastic drawers moved from this to the white room. And… I’ve found some shirts, including white shirts that are wearable since I’ve bleached the necks back to white. it was a day of laundry and cleaning. But the mirror on the wall is no longer hidden and filthy and it’s a touch more like “house” and a touch less like abandoned space. Why? Because I’m in it and it’ll look the way *I* want for as long as I occupy it. My space in the Shelter was better maintained. That was temporary. This is temporary. This will be properly maintained. I’m fucking fed the fuck up. All told, just the room took until about 16.00! There’s more to be done but it’s a tad nicer now. And I’ve got some shirts to wear for the Summer, and even for a cool evening. (Such as this cool evening.) – Messages from Mme. are being ignored. I past briefs. She replies. I post brief that have nothing to do with her messages. To the point. – Got a bit of a response to my Grounds-keeper post. It seemed genuine, so I replied. Prompt reply back… asking my full name, age and banque so 300$ could be wired to me. I was to take the 300, and send it to some “PA” who would provide all my transport and set-up expenses. I’d receive my own apartment and a weekly salary of 525$. Shitty qunt. And she signed-off… “God bless”. Fucking shit-bag! Oh well. – After mid-night. have to sneak out for a smoke. * I HAD TO GET 2 PAKCS TODAY!

Sat.20.May: 11.15 For the life of me, I don’t know why I woke at 7.20. More? I was out of bed 10 minutes later and at the day. Sunny. Chilly too. But, attempting to sort through the shirts found yesterday and packing them away, found the other T-shirts I rather knew I had. They got washed, things got packed and re-packed… again. My fucking existence, all in boxes. Got my notes, scraps and chequing done (after having to get smokes yesterday). FS down to about 70. I work around here for shit. – Lawn needs mowing. Not today. I’ll need the escape come tomorrow. Fuck it. – Andrew said he’d be by at some point today. I can’t mow by the green-house because of the shit all round it. I refuse to clean-up their bull-shit. – Other-wise, just trying to warm me up. It’s all of about 10° today. Odd… I actually saw and felt the cold coming from the West last night at final smoke. – OK. “Lunch time”. Not at all hungry but… must eat whilst there’s peace. it won’t last. – 24.55 In bed. Showered. Scoured after several hours in the barn today. Kitty got a little house! And just in time… Météo forecast was 9°tonight. It’s already down to 4°!~ I took the 2 wood saw-horses and 3 old windows and an old screen, stacked straw against the inner wall, held by the screen, for the back. Leaned windows against the saw-horses and one on top. Piled straw over the whole thing. Added 2 smaller windows at the front. Piled straw inside. I left the bed where it was though. It should give a bit more protection from the cold. The straw should insulate. I can only hope with all my heart. Especially now since today, when I brought food, KITTY MEOWED AND LET ME RUB AND PET HER! AND AS I BUILT THE HOUSE, SHE LAID THERE IN THE SUN!!! SHE DID’T RUN AWAY FROM ME!!! – And that’s my news for today. – Oh, and I’m completely packed now, including all the shirts I got from re-doing the plastic drawers. Now… to get a place to go to! – All laundry now done. The dryer just stopped. – Heater running. The heat is up too. Chilly draft because the fan is in the window. I’m not bothering to take it out. It’s not really cold in here. Just the draft. But hopefully the heater will give warmth. And hopefully Kitty will be warm enough in the little “house”.

Sun.21.May 10.30 I’ve NO idea why I cot up at 8.00 this cloudy morning. the forecast calls for rain tonight but it sure as shit looks like it’s more than ready to pour at any moment. Me? I was pondering putting the mower into the cart and heading o’er to the red house to mow BUT I’ll be damned if I’ll go there and get stuck in any sort of rain. No access to the inside of the place. So, no. Not today, Josephine. I’ll see what I can get mowed here, at 5199. There’s a shit-pile round the green-house. Wheel barrow, watering cans, etc. I’ll skip round that mess, making it quite clear that I’ll NOT pick-up messes that aren’t mine. – meanwhile, this morning I discovered that Mme. is booked for a 10-day holiday to the North-West! 18-28 July! How charming. Assuming and presuming that house, home and properties will be maintained. Oh my. I wonder who is expected to do that. What a total enema-nozzle qunt, this one. – I often ponder if coming here isn’t THE lesson I needed to learn before going off to die in peace: To stop the abuse of being taken purely for granted. indeed, I’ve already learnt to say “No” with-out any feelings of remourse. I’ve learnt just how easy it can be to draw lines and not cross or modify them. And, quite honestly, above all else, I’ve most certainly come to know, full-well, that there is incredible truth and fact in the adage:
POPLE THINK YOUR A TOTAL SHIT
WHEN YOU TREAT THEM AS THEY TREAT YOU.
– I saw Kitty this-morning when I went out for first smoke. She managed through last night’s chill. I’m really relieved. She’s looking a bit thinner, I think, than some weeks ago. I’ll have to keep check on her. – I’ve been thinking, again, this morning: at 5225, I made certain to care for Dixie and Ellie; at 5199, for Hallie and now, Kitty. Indeed… this is the land of “ZERO PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY”. Fucking entitled shit-bags. But the little critters are well cared for and about by my. Bless them. And I do so for THEM… with-out any regret. – 11.00, time to roll. Make it appear that some work has been done… NOT, of course that ANY of it will be appreciated. – GAZE UPON THE LAND WHERE-UP I PLANT THE FUCK AND SHIT WHICH ARE TO BE GIVEN. NOTE WELL THAT IT IS BARREN.
– 19.48 Showered. In bed. Fed up. THE LAWN IS MOWED! ALL EXPECT a narrow strip between the “gardens”. Almost 6 hours! It was SO fucking high. 4 tanks of gas. And just a bit of a while ago, I went out to finish it off and BLAM! A fucking stone in the grass. As I said to Mme. Q: You started the season with 3 mowers and now you’re down to none. Me? I can’t give a shit… nor a fuck. I do the fucking mowing. I’ll not do the fucking mechanics too. And today’s mowing was difficult with the height AND mowing round about the shit (garden stakes, toy trucks, wheel barrows, shovels, etc.) and rocks and stones. Oh well. Dave said he’ll look at the ride-on tomorrow. But since I’M the mower, and I use the “White”, I’ll insist the “White” get repaired. – Meanwhile, good I didn’t try mowing at 172. Even Dave noticed the grass is so high that a “DR” is necessary! And, on the matter of 172, more “common Vermont Retardation” (or: CVR?) Pam and Dave met Mme. and I over there this evening. Mme. couldn’t find her key to the front door and went walking round the fucking house trying the keys she had on garage, side and back doors. Me? I tried the front door… opened it (un-locked) and strolled in to see Dave opening a window, preparing to climb in! “How did you get in?” he asked. “The dignified way, through the front door.” I replied. Yep. No minds here to lose. No threats of “brain damage”. Just can’t “damage” what doesn’t exist. And so… Dave had come to repair the wall in the front bed-room… a putty knife and joint compound… EXACTLY WHAT I’D SAID WAS ALL THAT WAS NECESSARY BUT AH… “I’D” SAID SO IT COULDN’T POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN CORRECT. WITH-IN 20 MINUTES, ALL THEHOLES WER FILLED. BUT OH! IT WAS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE. OK. Fine. And the lawn there? Dave said it needs the DR. Fine by me. He’s got one. And the fore-cast for tomorrow is “rain”. Let the locals do what they beleive is necessary. I’m out of this farce. As dear Kathy the consultant at Chemical 95 Wall taught me some many years ago: If they expect the work to get done, they need to supply the necessary tools. Will it mean no 100$ a month for me? Probably . Let her pay her Curtis. Just as with her Andrew… she’ll sit and wait for them. Mr? I’ll find some way to keep busy. maybe dedicate more time to selling shit. – Anyway… It’s 20.22. Mme. was dozing on the recliner when i came out of the shower and now I’m hearing running and stomping up-stairs. Yay! – For me? Final ‘moke, limited soc.med. and hope to sleep through the night. Some fucking shit-bag is mowing or cutting or some bull-shit out there, No fucking sense nor consideration. – Oh! Received a lovely message from Adrian via Skype text today. Very nice… Skype! Not fesses-book. – Time for a ‘moke.

Mon.22.May: 20.05 Rainy, other-wise wasted day. I got out of bed at about 8.30. Mme. in the recliner. Apparently she has a stomach bug. She was supposed to go clean the red house. Some “friend” was to have joined her there this morning. Another “moral support friend” But, as it turned out, the “friend” came by, fetched the supplies and, once again, Mme. got somebody else to do the work. Her work. her responsibility. Done by somebody else. As usual. Mme. meanwhile laid on the sofa. – As for lawn mowers and mowing. Nobody came to look at the mowers. She rang Adam about getting the lawn at 172 with the DR. I won’t be able to mow. And 3 mowers will sit in the barn. I’ll say nothing about it. Her mowers. her responsibility and she’ll either pay her cronies dearly or connive them into doing her work. – Mean-while, I painted the reverse side of the “For Sale” sign for the canoe. A few hours of that and I went back to bed for some hours. And, quite honestly, I don’t give a shit about it. The sign is done. The canoe lays on the porch. If I move it and sell it for what-ever amount, not less than 200$ is mine… for listing twice. moving to and from the porch twice. If i do so thrice, I’ll take more. this is bull-shit and I need the money. She’s traveling so she’s obviously not strapped for cash. – Kitty wasn’t in the barn when I brought dinner this evening. it’s drafty in there. I’ll have to work a bit more on a shelter for the little sweet-hear. – Replied to a lengthy message from Adrian on Skype. using the phone is tedious. I’m expecting that too, to shit the sheets. – All is so hateful here. – Well, night falls. The Twats rev with stomping. Mme. is again, dozing on her recliner. And I’m hoping to sleep all through another night. Sleep is my escape until Death shows compassion and makes sleep eternal. At this juncture, even here in this shit-hole, let Death be my one, true Friend… soon. – Oh, current expenditures, April and May: Pets… 61,85$.

Tue.23.May: 23.20 Kitty is a little GUY! with a rather large and extremely well-protected and well-insulated place to rest in the barn. It got modified today. A sheet of aluminium instead of the top window. The 2 front windows are closer together. More stray inside for insulation on the floor. Double window on the North side. A large 4-over-4 window diagonally over the front. A bale of straw to block Southern breezes. A LOT of straw on top! Even more on the North side! The large window on the front blocks West wind. And LOTS of straw all over and around. it’s truly VERY well protected and insulated now. And today, the ultimate: He let me pet him, and rolled over on his back. He even followed me a bit as I walked about in the barn! And he got more that his fill of food. I noticed this evening, he didn’t finish his tuna! As soon as I’m able, I’m going to cover the window on the West wall with some heavy plastic… translucent, to let in light but not wind and rain (and pigeons). I’ll have to ponder the other large openings, considering ventilation for Summer and Winter protection. But for now, he’s got quite the protection from the elements, even as it is. I can rest knowing he’s got a place to call his own “home”. – I woke on that whilst Mme. went to 172 for most of the day. Dave went over with his DR and cut some of the lawn. Of course he didn’t do the entire lot. God forbid anybody here should do a proper job. And he says it needs proper mowing and that will be slow because the grass he cut is still high. “Vermont Fashion”… half-assed and horse-shit. But he did get the mowers here running. Needs to get new belts (AGAIN!) for the ride-on. And JUST when I had one very narrow strip of grass left to mow this evening at 5199… the fucking pull-string snapped! On the White mower! Fortunately, I finished with the self-propelled. THE ENTIRE LAWN IS DONE! THAT’S TWCE FOR THE MONTH OF MAY. 100$ DUE… FOR 5199. If we get the new cord and weather permits, I’ll give 172 a buzz. 45$ more there… or 40 at the very least. Dog care and house-work covered my 420$ monthly “rent”. Lawn-mowing is extra. – The postal “tubes” arrived today too. This morning, I re-packed art-work and paper and boxed 2 rods. 5 “tubes” remain. Rods on the week-end! – The fucking canoe is on the table in the yard with the new “For Sale” sign. THREE fucking times I’ve moved it, alone. Figuring I could sell it at 700, keep 100, give her 600 and see what, if anything, she gives me… “for my efforts”. A sale on this week-end would be great… BEFORE she get back from work. BUT IF SHE SELLS IT AND TRIES TO TOSS ME 100, I’M GOING TO TELL HER OF THE MOVING AND LISTING. No matter how, I expect nothing less than 200 out of the boat. – Of extra note: her Andrew cleaned between the trellises in the garden this evening and yes… tossed fucking weeds on the very lawn I mowed today! They’re parasites! – Or, as thought today: SYPHILITIC PARASITESD! And this Andrew shit-bag is from Chicago! (As Adrian said in his message of today “What makes them move to Vermont?” It is intriguing: If they’re not born here they find their way here. Mecca of morons. I truly need to get out and away. To die here would be Life’s penultimate insult.) – Almost out of smokes. Rollies tomorrow. Mme. enquired yesterday. I told her I am down to a pack. Let’s see her think nothing of it. – 24.22 Time to wrap this day up and shit shit shit down.

Wed.24.May: (Catching up here on Thursday night at 23.02.) Another bull-shit day! Right from the very fucking beginning! I was up and ready to get to the day by 8.30 AND she started with her bull-shit of people not helping, life is SO fucking miserable and referencing some-thing about helping her sell the fucking red house. Helping her. Again? I’m fucking fed-up with “helping” her. “Help” means “doing it all”. And so, yet again, she got the run-down of laughing at my bad news, being responsible for the demise of my lap-top… to which she replied she’ll replace it when she sells the house! When she said “I don’t have money” it almost blew me out of the room. “Toss hat shit. I’m not buying. A 10-day jaunt to Washington in July? Another road-trip in June? No money? Bull-shit. Dirt? You buy bags of dirt? Really. And the trips. Don’t mention them. Just take it for granted that I’ll be here to pick-up and maintain YOU house and dog. Ah, but then again, if I’m not happy, I’m free to leave. Yeah? I was quite ready to leave but I made one miserable mistake. I stayed to fucking help YOU and by doing that, I lost the dream of my entire life-time. meanwhile, you don’t give a fuck. The whole world is about YOU! God knows what you did to Luce and Cecil. used them to their sickness and death! I mean, Shit! You can’t even feed your own dog, want a cat in the barn and won’t even feed it. You know? I’ve been around long enough to know the truth. God help you… if one day you should ever be in court again with Stanhope, I’ll gladly be there… on HIS side of the court-room!” And for the rest of the morning I went back to bed. – At around noon, I went out to the barn with the heavy plastic and staple fun. Up on the step ladder and in a couple of hours… the West wall and the window opening are now covered. No harsh winds, rain, snow or pigeons will get in up there. As I worked, Dave came to work on the mowers. Oh yea, she got him to do her shit too, including the purchase of a new pull-cord for the White mower. She’s for this town SO bamboozled. – My JOY today? Mr. Kitty not only lounged about as I sealed the wall, HE ACTUALLY WAS PLAYFULL! Ah, BUT IN HIS PLAY, HE GRABBED MY RIGHT ARM AND GAVE A DEEP, HARD, BLOOD-LETTING CLAWING AND BITING. SO, ANY BARN DIRT ON HIS CLAWS OR “BUGS” HE MGHT HAVE… WELL, I’LL WIAT AND SEE. I JUST LET THE BLOOD RUN AND BELIEVE IT: NOBODY NOTICED! AT ONE POINT, LATER, I SAID TO THE QUNT, AS I LIFTED THE ARM “KITTY’S GOTTEN PLAYFUL.” HER FUCKING REPLY? “YOU BETTER MAKE SURE KITTY DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING.” “YOU”… “I” BETTER MAKE SURE. ME! I SAID “I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I’M JUST LWAVING IT AS IT IS. THIS MIGHT BE MY TICKET OUT OF HERE AT LAST! WHEN I GET SICK, I CALL 911. THEY COME WITH AN AMBULANCE TO TAKE ME AWAY, HOPEFULLY TO DIE.” And it was simply left at that. She packed some cleaning stuff into the truck and left. – The humming-birds are back. i went to the store for sugar, washed, filled and hung the feeder. – THEN… I WALKED TO 172, PUSHING THE WHITE AND A SMALL CAN OF GAS. WHEN I GOT THERE, I SIMPLY BEGAN TO TRY MOWING. THE FUCKING GRASS IS STILL TOO HIGH. (DAVE AND HIS HALF-ASSED “DR” JOB.) 3 RUNS ALONG THE SIDE OAND 2 ACROSS THE BACK TOOK A TANK OF GAS… AND MY LEFS. BEST OF ALL? QUNT SIMPLY LEFT! NOT EVEN AN OFFER OF A LIFT BACK TO THE FUCKING HOUSE! I was tired, sore, bleeding, hot, got back by about 16.30, went in, took 2 naproxyn, a good shower and by 17.00… In bed… for the duration. – FUCK HER! – HYPOCRITE CONNIVING QUNT.

Thu.25.May: 24.09 (Just finishing yesterday’s entry here.) After some-what exhausted and a some-what “half-sleep” night (the naproxyn didn’t knock me out and my arm was a bit bothersome), I was awake at 8, the qunt was gone. I had my coffee and smoke and went back to bed… to sleep… UNTIL ABOUT 13.30! Even then, I could have stayed in bed but got up thinking she might put Hallie in a kennel for the week-end and I WILL NOT have that! Didn’t speak. As she was leaving she asked if I’d attend Hallie. I simply replies “As usual. I care about her, not the people here.” And as she walked away she said I’m not obligated (oh go get fucked) and ran an inventory of food available. When she was gone “as usual”, the kitchen got cleaned, floor mopped. I had 2 PopTarts. – Hallie’s hot dogs got cooked. I had 4 kosher franks. Went to the store for ice cream. – Kitty got tuna. – I watched the news. – MEEAGE FROM NEW YORK! REPLY FOR A JOB! SENT MONDAY! WITH TELEPHONE NUMBER! IVE REPLIED WITH MY NY NUMBER. WILL CALL TO NY TOMORROW! I’LL SAY HERE AND NOW… I BETTER NOT HAVE MISSED THIS OFFER! HRLL EILL BR PSTSFIDR HERE IF I MISS THIS ONE! I’LL SEE TO IT! – ALSO… THERE WAS A CALL TODAY AFTER QUNT LEFT. A WOMAN TO WHOM A HOUSE SALE WAS SPOKE ABOUT. “We drove by and it a beautiful big house. We’d be very interested in seeing the inside.” BIG? BEAUTIFUL? 5199? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS CONNIVING SHIT-BAG UP TO? SELLING OUT FROM UNDER ME AND SAYING NOTHING? COURT AND STANHOPE FOR CHARACTER WITNESS AND CASH FOR WORK! (She’d better hope that I DO contract something deadly and quick from yesterday’s bites of that I get back to NY VERY VERY SOON! My death in this house though… talk… at the least. – meanwhile, it’s raining. Kitty is familiar with the new place. No rain will come in through the walls. Kitty is protected and fed, an sage. I’m showered and ready for sleep. I’ve 5 more mailing tubes that are 5 more potential sales and more to get to tomorrow. And the canoe… which would be a nice week-end sale. – Oh, message from Her Quntness: BUYING HANGING FLOWER BASKETS THIS WEEK-END. NO MONEY. FUCKING SENILE LIAR. – Time to shed this shit.

Fri.26.May: 13.29 Let me begin by noting the serious pounding up-stairs as I was making tea! And even now, as I write, stomping. the pounding sounded as if at the top of the stairs and was accompanied by yelling. I couldn’t make out what was being yelled but the tone was REALLY ANGRY! And as I began writing, somebody in a white shirt, ran from the door-side on the porch to the street-side. (North to South) I didn’t see who it was. Hallie and I are here. Kayla’s car is gone. I’ve no idea who’s up-stairs and, quite frankly, I’m not going to get involved… unless that psychotic mess comes into the house or to the door, in which case, it’s a call to 911. – Meanwhile… I woke this morning, on my own, at about 6.30 and since it’s a Friday, got up to begin the day. Rain. No mowing, no yard-work, but there are 3 coats of primer on 3 political yard signs. Bed things (cases, jammies, towel) washed. I’m washing an old flannel for Kitty’s “house”. – Got a DIRECT REPLY, E-MAIL, FROM JOANNA THIS MORNING! I KNOW I MUSTN’T GET TOO HAPPY ABOUT THIS. VINCENT, JOHN, THE DEB-SCAM. NOW THIS. I WONDER HOW THIS WILL “FALL THROUGH”. BUT Mme. ASKED: “HOW CAN I HELP YOU?” WELL, IF I GET AN APPOINTMENT TO MEET THESE PEOPLE… LOAN ME THE TRUCK. (I’M WAITING FOR CONFIRMATION FOR MONDAY.) We shall see. – Very tired today. Insufficient sleep? Nauseous too. fumes from primer. Or “Cat-scratch fever”? We shall see that too. Right now it’s Tea Time. – The pounding above has stopped. Occasional stomping. Another day in this fucking mad-house. – Oh, I got to check TSP… still no word from them. Fucking bloody USPS! – 23.36 Showered. Shaved. Beard trimmed. Wash in the dryer. In bed. – GOT THE CONFIRMATION FOR MONDAY! NO TIME YET. BUT THE DAY. LET’S SEE HOW THIS ONE TRUNS OUT. – The 3 signs got painted white and are in the white room to dry. It took until 16.00 to finish them. Then a time for snooze. In the mean-while, I dug out an old white blanket from the stack on the porch and gave it a good washing. Kitty now has a blankie in the “house” in the barn. At 17.00, Kitty, who wasn’t about, got tuna, Hallie got dinner and I had angel hair with lentils and Butterkase. Ice cream after (for me). – A wasted day, other-wise. Rain. – Watched “River Monsters” and then the news. By 22.30… shower. – And that ended the day. – Saged the room. Heater on to get rid of the dampness. No beer in the house this week-end. Must be the “poverty” issue. But there’s wine! – Oh, the canoe is back on Crgslst. 800. I’ll give it for 7, take 1 and see. – And this ends another day. – 17 June.

Sat.27.May: 9.45 I don’t know why I got out of bed at 8.00. Yes, the sun is shining and the temperature is 12°. No, I will NOT work today. AND… checking my e-mails, I received a notice from Soc.Sec. ALLEGEDLY, THEY SENT A NOTICE ON THE 11th: TROUBLE WITH THE BANQUE NUMBER. OH YES? I WONDER WHERE THEY SENT IT TO! I’ve known that this wasn’t going to be easy. But this message, first thing in the morning, on a Saturday, has me, as is the usual here, fucking pissed off. It’s all such a true delight. It’s not enough to wake with the general anxieties and bitterness from e being trapped in a place, surrounded by cunning, conniving cunts. But how lovely to have it all compo0unded by news of having been sent some notice and not receiving it. – The lawn needs mowing. The place is a general mess. And it’s not so much that I “don’t” give a shit as much as it is that I simply “can’t”. I’m out of shits and fucks to give. – But, again, it’s one of those days where all the “little” thoughts crash and collide and truly, I stand, not knowing whether to shit or wind my watch. – PS: My right arm is sore. Doesn’t look “fatal” though. Unfortunate. – (1.15 on Sunday. Finally closing the day as the Twats’ dog whines out-side my window.)
LAWN MOWED Along the lilies, along the South-side and beside the green-house and by the back porch/picnic table. Got most done with the White and it died. Went to finish the front with the black and it died. it was 16.30 so I just left the rest. this place is a trash bordello anyway so it’s fine. maybe I’ll try again tomorrow. Maybe. – But on the line of a bit of “NEWS”… Had a bit of a chat with Darlene C. today. We spoke of all the money Bobo has come into, and the marriage. Seems Dickie wanted to remove a tree in the yard on the property line and ran-up 5225 for permission. Gordo gave it, explaining “I’m the wife.” THEN the chat got to MADAME… and Darlene explained “YOU KNOW SHE’S NOT ALL THERE. She a nice person but she’s not really all there.” SO! Indeed there’s madness in this nut-bin, BUT IT ISN’T ME! SHE IS DEFICIENT! I truly NEED to get out and away… QUICKLY! ANOTHER BLOODY FUCKING WHACK JOB! FUCKTARDS! it’s not safe, nor sane ANY-WHERE here! But it puts a light on the situation. I’m dealing with a “High-functioning retard” and I’m not at all comfortable with this. – At 16.30, Kitty got tuna, Hallie got dinner and I found a Corona in the fridge. At 17.00 I had my pasta. – Kitty is quite vocal when I get there and hungry. Little sweet-heart. I mentioned him in this evening’s “report” the reply? The truck won’t pass inspection until the fuel line is repaired. Yep. Retard. First: the fuel line was bad already months ago. but she can find money to fly West for 10 days, AND buy dirt and “hanging plants”. Nope, no sympathy. I’m just interested in getting to NY on Monday. I’ll make her life a complete living HELL if she fucks THIS opportunity too! I’m at wits’ end now. Especially after the phone message from somebody interested in buying a “big, beautiful house”. Oh yeah? Well Toots, this place is my “legal residence” now and it’s going to cost dearly to get me out. Especially if you fuck ANOTHER opportunity of mine to leave! And here it is, in writing. you’re a retard but you truly don’t deserve all the sympathy or pit. You’re a conniver… and I know this. – Anyway… watched Fox until mid-night, got my shower, clipped tow nails (filed fingers today) and…

Sun.28.May: It’s 2.00 and the bull-shit out-side is STILL going! Recapping:
1.00: Banging on the up-stairs porch
They put the dog out on the lead and left it alone.
1.15: The dog has been crying, out-side my window approx 10 mins.
1.28: Dog still out-side.
Somebody running up and down porch stairs.
1.34: Somebody (Michael) talking with somebody… out-side my window.
2.08: Somebody going up the stairs.
WHAT FUCKERY IS THIS?
10.50 this morning’s fuckery ended, I put out the lights and fell almost immediately, to sleep. Heard both the 7 and 8.00 alarms but couldn’t wake… until almost 9.00. Oh well. No particular rush on the day. I’ve got some chores to get to, primarily just to pass the time. the phone is on the charge. I’m going to venture a call to NY this morning… and hope. The “anticipatory anxieties” are set deep, making my stomach un-easy. the thought of getting out of here is exciting. The thought of moving, in the Subaru, is nerve-wracking. And the element of the “un-known”? Well, it’s not very un-like the first night on the dunes and the night of standing at the dark entrance of the Shelter, looking at the “Intake” sign. I just need to remember that I made it through and survived those events. And now, here, the weather is hotter and the BDM still ferments, as it were. And yesterday, Darlene said “If anybody were to ask me, I’d say you were 50.” Appearance for the new place and position is important. Surely my body is 90-plus. But Dahliing? You look mahvelus. – Telephone time. I think 11.00 on Sunday is OK. Not too early.. Not too late. And I want it done before Mme. returns. And I need to know if (IF!) and when I should be there tomorrow. And, after all, Joanna DID provide a telephone number. – 11.30-ish. Tried phoning. 12 rings. No answer. Sen e-mail to bother of her accounts. nothing to do now but wait. And checking tomorrow’s weather? Rain. May Heavenly waters wash animosities away and bring good. Although now I worry: It’s supposed to be her planting day! PLEASE LET THAT BE AND NOT THAT SHE’LL WANT TO DRIVE! I’M BEGGING THE HEAVENS… PLEASE!!! – 23.25 Lawn mowed to garden. Front lilies weeded. Mme. in at 16.00 NY appt. gone. Mme. bought 2 jars coffee, 2 packs cigs. – At 21.30 Mr. Twat tossing fire-crackers by my window. I saw from side-walk whilst walking Hallie. Have begun “reporting” him for wife-beating on soc.med. – Feeling feverish tonight. – Time for sleep (I hope).

Mon.29.May 10.26 By the time I finally got to bed last night I was exhausted! The lawn got finished from front to garden fence. And, of course, Mme. returned as I was finishing out back, she’d pissed-away more money (that she allegedly doesn’t have) on petunias for the porch boxes. Proceeded to pull weeds from her “Mrs. Mary” on the FRONT LAWN AND just as I’d said to Dickie only Saturday… tossed them onto the lawn! It’s a matter of “Home-Care For Retards”. I keep in mind, the advice of Darlene: “She’s not all there.” None of them are. In-breeds, completely across the board. – Meanwhile, Joanna and David canceled today’s meeting. Actually, the wanted to change if from Monday to Sunday. But Mme. didn’t get back until almost 16.00. J and D were in Plattsburgh and since I didn’t have any way to contact them… well. Seems this is going to be another fuck-up. Hopes are dashed… again. – Note: Mme. went shopping. Brought 2 jars of coffee and 2 packs of smokes. Apologies? I can’t believe it’s “kindness”. – THEN… At about 21.30, I was out “strolling with Ms. Hallie and Mr. Twat comes out to the bottom of their steps and THROWS FIRE-CRACKERS UNDER MY “BED-ROOM” WINDOW! APPARENTLY HE DIDN’T SEE ME ON THE SIDE-WALK? BUT INTNETIONALLY THROWING FIRE-CRACKERS AT THE WINDOW! OF COURSE, when I told Mme., she laughed. (She’s not all there.) Well, as folks about town say: “I wonder what Vincent – Mrs. Twat’s father – would do if he knew his daughter is being beaten.” We’re about to find out. Reporting time. Wife and child abuse. – So this morning, I slept until almost 9.00. It’s over-case I I don’t give a shit. I put in a week’s-worth of work in 3 days. Fuck the rest of them all. – Dave came by this morning to replace ANOTHER belt on the ride-on. Her Andrew is here to… “work” on the garden. And now, at 10.57, Mme. comes in to tell me that, now that the “parade” has passed, she’s off “to the park” and will be leaving Hallie here… of course. I’m in the “white room”. I THOUGHT I MIGHT be able to paint my “SHEKET” but of course, banging, barking, bull-shit. Common to the Retard house that this place is. – 22.00 In bed and the only thing I did all day was sketch the out-line for a “Peace” wall-hanging. other than that, contacted CIBS for the “routing” info and had a lovely chat with the young lady rep about border-crossing. – Now? Tired and, as always, fed-up. But NO CONFLICTS TODAY!

Tue.30.May: 7.02 DREAM:
First day on a new job. Schmulik had gotten me this job at some sort of “Designers” firm. Got into the office very early morning. It was relatively dark. before sun-rise. Everybody was quite busy, reading the day’s newspapers. The “owner” walked by the others and as he passed, they’d give stocks and other financial reports on competitors, gleaned from the news. Quite the fully of activity and immediate. I picked-up a copy of a paper similar to the NYT. Some articles were already outlined in red. other articles were cut out. Some were left inside, others were missing. Schmulik was walking about, briskly, rather pompous. I turned pages in my copy of the paper, not sure what I was supposed to be looking for since it was my first day and my job responsibilities hadn’t been told to me. I just thought that I should find the same financial info on some competitor. When the owner, a rather fat man, grey and balding, came by me as I stood, (having no desk or assigned place to occupy) I said, honestly “I’m not sure what’s in here (the paper) yet because I’m just gleaning and I don’t have my glasses on.” The owner simply walked by but I noticed Schmulik giving me an angry, disgusted look from across the office. The day was done and it was time to leave. We all left in a a sort of large freight lift. Others spoke with one-another but not with nor to me. At my building of residence, a place I’d only just moved into but was, as I understood, temporary, I’d have to be moving out again soon. I had to “install” some sort of video into a panel beside the front entrance. Music videos, given to me by Schmulik. A fellow came by, somebody who knew Schmulik, and simply said “Those videos mean something to him you know. You must be very important for him to trust you with them.” I understood that I was expected to watch them and figure out some message. but I didn’t care. I just “installed” them, checked to make certain that the front of the building was neat, clean. As I went round the corner, i saw Schmulik walking away, down the street, rather “in” the street, alone. No people. No traffic. he appeared lonely. I felt sad for him but thought “I’ll never forgive him for this”… arranging a job I didn’t know ans wasn’t really qualified for, with a bunch of arrogant shits, AND this temporary housing where I had to work to keep, even though it was temporary. (Snap to…) at a bar, dinner, a lot of people, many acquaintances. People chatting and laughing, drinking. A guy comes to me. He’s “sportely” dressed, drink in hand, says to me, haughtily “You really should be nicer to him you know.” and motions toward Schmulik who’s standing across the crowd as if holding court. “I don’t care anymore.” I snapped at this fellow. (Snap to…) At the Franklin post office. Just received word that I’ve been fired! Talking with Darlene and some other past employees about Cindy Shedrick. Somebody (a woman) says to me “She’s a bitch, you know. She’ll do anything she can to destroy your reputation. She’s a miserable bitch.” … I woke.
6.20 The mail truck was making a LOT of noise across the street this morning. I had to pee, so I got up, got dressed, went to the loo and to the kitchen for coffee. Mme. of course, already at table. I had coffee, went out for a smoke. Again, this morning VERY HEAVY sensation in/on my chest, “un-easy” sensation in my gut. “Weight” on my heart and lungs. Gee. i wonder. I don’t “care”. I just wonder. 8.00 and just done journalling. I’ve been in the room. it’s time to contact Soc.Sec. Here we go… again… yet another fucking fucker of a day of more fucker… no doubt. – 22.37 Showered. In bed at last. – NOTE: SPOKE WITH JOANNA FOR 20 MINTUES TODAY! DELIGHTFUL! WHEN SHE ASKED WHY I WANT TO LEAVE HERE I TOLD HER, HONESLTY, ABOUT RETRAINING ORDERS, THE VIOLENCE, AND EVEN BEFORE I COULD FINISH SHE SAID “YOU NEED SAY NO MORE.” AND I DON’T HAVE OT WAIT UNTIL HEY’RE BOTH THERE TO GO OVER. But tomorrow Jacquie won’t be back until about 17.00. The truck goes sin for repairs on Thursday. but she’s got Andres coming on Sunday and plans with Dave. MAYBE! – What I need most to do now is get back the “ME” who survived under the tree, the me who survived the Shelter and got me out of it. I NEED THAT ME again! I know I’m in here. I know it. Nothing stopped me in the Shelter, and no-one was harmed. But I got through and out. I NEED ME AGAIN! – AND… DIRECT FOR SOCIAL SECURITY GOT UP-DATED THIS MORN AT ABOTU 10.00! – It rained most of morning ad into early evening. But when Mme. returned from some jaunt into Enosburgh, I’d planted petunias by the phone shed and back yard. – As we sat to dinner, a phone call. Young couple to look at Nr. 172. I went, to look at the lawn now that the ride-on is allegedly working. Dave was running the DR and advised to wait with mowing until he went over the yard again. Fine by me! I’ve mowed 519 3 times already and I’m willing to wager Mme. will be throwing (or tossing) not more than 100 at me… even if I get to 172. So? No rush. No care/ No shit. – AH AND THEN… the couple who came to look at the house… THEY NEED TO LEAVE HIGHGATE BECAUSE SOME TEACHERS’ AIDE “MOLESTED” THEIR 10YR OLD SON! AND THE BROAD’S OUT OF JAIL! AND THIS IS ALL RECENT! I’M NO JUDGING BUT I’VE DEALT WITH TOO MUCH INCEST HERE ALREADY. NOW THIS SHIT? I GOTS TA GO! ONE WAY OR ANOTHER! SHIT! 0 Back at the bordello, I HAD TO FEED HALLIE AGAIN! IT WSA AFTER 18.00 AND THE QUND HADN’T FED HER! I’d fed Kitty at about 16.30. The little sweet-heart. BUT AGAIN! Mme. Qunt ignores HER dog! FUCK! – Oh, when Mme. returned and I’d planted the petunias, I dug 14 grass/sod plugs from the garden and brought them, in a wheel barrow, to the pine in front of the house. (No Thanks.) AND TODAY, THE WORK BEHIND THE PHONE SHED IS DONE! ALL CLEANED. (I put the barrel of trash in the barn. it’s out of sight). – Busy day. The more I get done, the better I feel (and yes, the more I have when it comes to “borrowing the truck”). – I’m done this with day!

Wed.31.May: 8.29 In from smoke and I HAD TO GET Hallie’s breakfast… AGAIN! So she’s eating quite well this morning. – And Fate would have it, that I should hear a conversation on the phone: I don’t know who she’s yammering with but, says she, about the couple who came to rent 172:
“YOU KNOW THAT SEXUAL THING THAT’S HAPPENING IN HIGHGATE?… 10 YEAR OLD BOY AND A TEACHER… WELL… YEAR… I DON’T WANT TO… YOU KOW I’M NOT RENTING TO *THEM*!”
The woman aide molests the child. The judge releases her from jail. And Mrs. Jesus-Seller here, holy-holy goo Christian woman won’t rent to THEM! She did add:
“I KNOW IT’S NOT HIS FAULT BUT… THEY WANT TO GET OUT OF HIGHGATE BUT I DON’T KNOW THAT FRANKLIN’S FAR ENOUGH…”
I can’t help but think: THIS is, most likely, the same judgment against me… Homeless. Bloody fucktards. – Well, ANOTHER MONTH AND NO LAP-TOP! NOT A PARTICULARLY “HAPPY” DAY. – 22.21 Exhausted. Showered. – Zinnias got planted round the house. Started cleaning the “hollyhocks bed” Much more to go on that. – Mme. left at noon. Returned round 19.00. – I was extremely tired all day. Odd. – Tried calling Soc.Sec. this morning to confirm up-date on direct deposit. A “Ricardo Miranda” is handling my application! Accent. Another foreigner. I’m not happy. Left msg. No reply. – Now, to get the truck on Sunday for NY. I hope. – Oh, repaired bedroom door too. – And at 21.30: FIRE CRACKERS!