How odd: I “published” this page on 1 May at 21.28
Lyle died on the 15th.
I shoulda been me!

Sun.1.May: 6.38
Strange:
As we get older
we wake each morning
feeling less and less rested
and
more and more tired.
An over-cast morning, not as cold as it has been. And silent. My bowels are churning, and my ears are hissing. – I woke, at some point during the night, having inhaled some saliva. The ear-plugs were giving me head-ache so I took them out… momentarily… the BOOMBOOM was still rolling, on into and through the night. – This morning, thoughts of getting the Subaru back on the road, in condition to get to and from Plattsburgh this month, and then… out of here. And wondering what Bob will do when I’m gone. But the difficult manual labour round here is, for the most part, done. There’s no real reason for me to stay. The lawn will be the most difficult thing to manage and maintain. But they’ll figure it out. My “work” here, is done. And Jacquie? She too will manage. The basics are complete. Time to… say.. good-bye… to go back to… the “home” state. – 21.58 IN BED AT LAST! AND QUITE A DAY… “ACCOMPLISHED”. I got THREE posts in on the chain fence in the back and TWO on the ugly lattice fence along the phone company line. It changes the “look” so much and so much nicer! Had to dig down and then sledge them in. The one on the lattice fence required digging stones up. AND I “acquired” a metal post from Jacquie’s that hadn’t been used to reinforce the wood fence post. But it really does look SO much nicer. So now, their fences are straight again. And then, I had Dixie on the extra leads as I put the “MiracleGrow” on the front flower bed… just as the rains began! Timing. Great! As I was putting the “food” on the flowers, Bob came out for a smoke and I joked with him about putting MiracleGrow on the flowers and “Round-up” on the lilac. “You better not or you’ll be looking for another place to live.” said he. OH! How it would have been much fun to say “Already am.” but I didn’t. But of all the things to say. And then he followed it with something that concerns me when I said that Lyle would be thrilled: “Who do you think will live longer?” I’m taking that as ‘When Lyle’s gone, you’re out of here.’ Ah… as I said to Jacquie this evening, give it your best shot. We’ll be in court if you push it to that. And I know they can’t afford such a thing. Anyway… it goes with the freak’s comment “You don’t do shit around the house to contribute.” And I KNOW THAT comment was a repeat of something that had been said to him. We just chalk them together. – The rest of the afternoon-to-evening, I started on the little sign for the North flower bed about “Ne jetez pas vos déchets ni vos mégots ici. Merci/Don’t toss your trash nor butts here. Thanks” I’ve got the black lettering done and will continue tomorrow to finish. No rush. It’s supposed to continue raining. – At about 18.30 I went to Jacquie’s to show her how to use her Mp3 player and got caught in dinner with her and Jes & Kerry. I’d already had a tin of soup and fruit but… I didn’t want to appear to be dodging anybody so I stayed and ate. Hey… food. Can’t hurt. Dinner was fun, chatting with Jes. But it ran entirely TOO late, not to mention, chat got into the new adventure back in NY. I was vague with them but got ticked when it was Jacquie and I chatting. Oh well. – And now I know why she’s bent on finishing the rooms because she said something about getting somebody to move into the house… AND she’s all about getting the plants into the greenhouse quickly and soon. – (I can’t believe this: I have both ear-plugs in and I can STILL hear the fucking bass! The volume must be UP! What the actual fuck!!!) – She, Jacquie, must be plotting about getting things done before I get the chance to leave. Oh well… As the expression goes:
Givers have to draw a line because takers seldom do.
That all said, B&L had their guests over for a bit. The “barter” for the “meat grinder/massage” transpired and the fellows left after they had dinner. (I believe, spaghetti and sausage… I wasn’t invited… which was fine and good by me.) They all did what they did as I painted the sign. Fine, indeed. My “work” is more than obvious… even though nobody round the house here sees nor notices. Not my concern. The work is done. That’s all that matters. – My cigarettes that were supposed to have lasted until the 8th are, well, down to the last of the 4 packs already. I’m smoking quite a bit more of late. Nerves, mostly. I just want out of here and away! I don’t know how I’m going to get the car on the road. But I’m thinking I might move it to the yard here tomorrow and work on the “inspection” sticker. That’ll be quite nice… until December, if I can pull it off. I can hope… I suppose. – For now… tea is steeping. I’ve got to get April onto the blog… and the BOOMBOOMBOOM rolls through the ear-plugs tonight. I wanted to shower but don’t want the annoyance of having to wonder if something will be said about the water usage and the hour. So, I’m just going to go to bed. Fuck it. Hopefully I’ll get SOME sort of sleep at some point during the night. This is running me to death.

Mon.2.May: 7.31 I slept-in this morning. And don’t give a shit. Rainy. But that’s good for the flower-beds that got “fed” yesterday. But the BOOMBOOM is rolling, as per usual. Oh well. – One thing I realised this morning that’s pretty impressive…
*I* am back. I remember Mack telling me that when he’d met me, I knew SO much about the world. I knew politics in South Africa, Europe and such. But when I’d moved to New Prospect, my conversations centred round agriculture, corn and the weather. Well… for many years now, 5 perhaps, my “world” went back to the small towns and agriculture and that was about all there was. But this morning, I can say that, once again, my “scope” is Canada, Europe, the Middle East and U.S. politics. *I* am back. And I must say… thanks, for the most part, to having returned to Twtr.
I compare Twtr to fesses-book: Fesses-book is sitting in a corner, with a tiny, dim light, red eyes, drool running down the chin and front, quiet, surrounded by drooping flowers and deflating balloons. Twtr is charged with energy, quick thinking snappy chats and sparks, here, there, all over the world. Fesses-book is locked in a basement… Twtr is sailing and soaring round the planet and the universe.
*I* am back. Sad part? I’ve nobody else, locally, to discuss these things with. Twtr will keep my mind sharp, keep me thinking. But there’s nobody here to talk with, discuss with, debate with. Still… happily, *I* am back.
And with that thought in mind, along with Bob’s comment of yesterday “You’ll be looking for someplace else to live…” well… I shouldn’t let it get to me, really, because, as I said to Jacquie just last evening: When I leave, he’ll have to leave his job to take care of Lyle. To which she replied “If they expect to get anybody in that room, they’ll have to heat it because nobody’s going to stay in there as long as you did.” Oh well…. As Mum said: “LIFE… is not ‘fair’.” – I have to finish my little sign today, and figure what to do about the Subaru. 2 weeks and I’ll have to get to Plattsburgh. It’s going to get “WEEEEEERY INTERSTINGK”. Indeed. – On with the day… as it were. – 13.16 WELL… there goes THAT day. It’s “misty” out there all day so I stuck me in the room, listening to the iPod and finished the little sign for the North flower-bed. Am I “happy” with it? Not really. But it’ll suffice. I don’t and can’t give a shit really. And now? A bit of oatmeal to kill and appetite and… I don’t know what else… As I see out the window. the “misty” has become “rain” so? So… – 19.00 The sign is done, after several paintings of the lettering from black to white to red to white… and “flowers” added and I don’t care any more because by the time it fades and peels…. I won’t be looking at it. If I can find a fixative, that would be nice but if not… not. – B&L are watching TV. – I noticed, today, just how bad Lyle truly is. SO drawn in face and arms and “full” else-where. I put a bandage on his toe… he said it just started bleeding. Yes, he truly IS in poor condition. But I wonder if Bob isn’t looking for somebody else to come into the house to replace me… Whether they “know” or not about my pending move isn’t an issue. It would be “my life” to have something thwart or other-wise fuck things up. But… Time alone will tell. – Right now? I’m on the bed, will check some “QI” or something and NOT go over to Jacquie’s because that will only end up being another late night and I’m just not in the mood. In a bit, a “Nighty Night” tea and hopefully to “nighty-night” for me. – No shower again this evening. I don’t care. That seems to be the general mood and attitude of late… I don’t care.

Tue.3.May: 7.03 Full house this morning. I’m FULL of gas. Could very well go right back to sleep. The tea? I don’t know. Over-cast but not so chilled this morning. – I think Lyle’s got an MD appointment this morning at 9.00. Oh well. Hopefully it will bring good news. – Jacquie wants to go to BTV today. I’m really not in the mood. Ah… morning… anxieties. – A “Normal” morning. – I still have to re-paint the “Thanks” on the sign. The grey of the lettering is too close to the colour of the wood. Oh well… Oh well… – 21.53 BOOMBOOM rolls along but tonight is rather different:
Lyle has been diagnosed with “Stage 4 Kidney Failure”. Stage 5 is “complete failure” but since he’s got only 1, this is more serious. From what I was told today, his doctor told him to “enjoy this Summer”. From what Bob told me, his Px is 3 months. That would bring it to July… What timing. If this is true, then Bob will be here, in this house (as Jacquie pointed out to me when I stopped to see her for an hour today) alone. Oh well. I’m sure he prefers it that way. As it is, this evening, as I worked on the fence posts in the back yard, he’s already starting to throw Lyle’s things away. Taking it well? I’d say he’s almost looking forward to it. And so, this move of mine is even more important. Seems I’ll now HAVE to empty the P.O. “retirement” and go for Social Security at this rate, to get the car back on the road no matter what. Oh well… it is as it is and that’s all there is to it. – Jacquie still wanted to try to get to BTV at 16.00 this evening. She had a bag full of shirts to take to the Salvation Army (in spite of my suggestions to donate to the Homeless… she’s relegated to “that” list in my esteem) and to Loews, but I told her that I should stay at the house since Bob was away and Lyle’s not well at all, vomiting most of the day. As I say: I have a terrible code of ethics and just can’t leave him alone like that. As it was, I had to put pellets into the stove for him today. But… – And so, I continue to “do” round the house, as if all is “normal”. And I HOPE that this move comes in (and that I can get to Plattsburgh in 2 weeks!). – Meanwhile, the volume on the TV is so high that I can almost hear the dialogue along with the BOOM…BOOMBOOMBOOM… BUM. THIS is only going to get MUCH worse as time goes by. – Just up from last smoke and Lyle was sitting up. No doubt, he’ll be trying for the loo. I wonder… If he sends a text message to Bob for help, Bob won’t hear it. And if he calls for me… I’m putting in the ear-plugs now. I put them in so deep that it’s almost necessary to actually PULL them out! I don’t know how much longer I can be like this. I know I shouldn’t be so resentful about this but it’s TOO MUCH LIKE BEING IN THE SHELTER! AND THAT GETS TO ME…PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY! – Well, tea is steeping. I’m typing with one hand. Time to wrap this day up. – Oh… HAD to RE-INSTALL “OPERA” YET AGAIN! – And on an interesting note: Cheryl Cormier went into hospital in CT today and they all but ignored her. She posted on Twtr and I replied and the hospital replied to ME AND HER and she said that they commented to her that her tweets reached “the right people”. TWTR SO RULES! (MUCH better than that old fesses-book!) YAY US on TWTR!

Wed.4.May: 7.51! No matter what time I actually get to “sleep”… There’s no more waking at 5.00 or at a decent hour. And no matter how much “sleep” I might get, the mornings are terrible with fatigue (and, of course, anxieties). – This morning, the thought: Although Lyle’s income isn’t very much, when he’s gone, there’s no doubt Bob will be looking for replacement. And if I’m not working and bringing in cash, I’ll be redundant. So? The “NEED” to get out of here increases. Oh well… There’s always the BDM. – Meanwhile, the TV is on. I don’t know that Lyle’s awake or… When I pulled the ear-plugs out it was immediate BOOMBOOM. 24 hours of each and every day. It’s being “On Duty” round the clock here. And I get the feeling it’s expected. – There’s some work I’d like to do round the yard today. No doubt Jacquie will have a “staff meeting” at some point. She did say that she “has” to go to BTV today and so… I’m “On Duty” there as well. – Well… Oh, and I’m not putting the garbage out this morning. It’s in a black bag. It can wait… either until next Wednesday at Jacquie’s or another 2 weeks. I don’t much really give a shit. – The left side of my neck is sore again. It was last night already. Stress? Tension? Clot? I don’t much really give a shit. – 14.44 My boots smell of dog-shit and there area 8 fence posts IN! A little “brick in-lay” for the bird bath. And the post at the wood-pile is dug in. QUITE the morning. Quite the day. Then I came in round about 13.00 to sit with Lyle for a bit and chat. He’s going into hospital this evening. I actually DO feel terribly for him. Hopefully he’ll be able to enjoy his own back yard a bit soon… if only for this season. Some place to relax in and enjoy. Hopefully. – 21.03 IN BED!!! Lyle’s back in hospital. Bob and I had a chat this evening whilst watching TV. WELL! So it is that HE TOO has been vexed by the BOOMBOOM! Imagine that! And tonight, when it was time to put the TV off and such he said “And tonight you can go to bed with-out the ear-plugs.” because I told him about them. But all in all, this is taking a toll on him, even though he’s going through the house and getting rid of stuff that nobody’s gone near in years. No telling what’s to come at this point. – He thinks St-Albans is going to transfer Lyle down to BTV for dialysis. Apparently it was mentioned at admission and Lyle refused because it’ too far away. But, at this point, it’s probably all they can do for him. Me? I HOPE he manages to get through this long enough to get to see his sister. Penny and Bruce are supposed to come up Memorial Day week-end. Me? I’ll do my best to have the yard taken care of, not only for the sake of showing how much I “do” but to give them a place and space to enjoy. It will probably be the last, if not close to it. – This s after-noon, Lyle and I talked about Kubler-Ross too. So yes, “the time” is approaching. As I say, what’s to become of me is… well… I can only hope NY comes through soon. – I started the Subaru this evening. Jada, the little shit, said that I could take it back to Kevin (from whom I bought it) and he could have it inspected. “It’ll cost more if it’s not ‘legal’.” says she. I’m contemplating. – When I went to get Hallie her dinner at about 18.30, Jacquie’s house is a mess again, And the re was an envelope on the table for me. I left a note about Hallie and dinner and “romp and frolic”, put the lights on for her when she got back but left the envelope on the table. I still have trouble taking her money. I know I earn it but… That’s still just “me”. Besides, I still have this week-end starting tomorrow after-noon. – But right now, Nighty-Night tea is steeping and I’ll wake when I do tomorrow. I just have to see Jacquie before she leaves for work… I think. Hopefully she has nothing to “do” in the morning and it will be a “regular” day of her leaving not before 11.00. I want to SLEEP tonight. – I need a shave too. – Oh… I’ve ONE can of deodorant left after the one I dug out of the “stash”. “Time” for everything, is running out… for me as well. I HAVE to move along and BACK to New York! ADIRONDACKS PLEASE!!!!!

Thu.5.May: 5.55 nd I woke with the 5.30 alarm, feeling like I could go back to sleep but not really. The tea. And the fact that falling asleep last night was difficult for some reason. But I slept. AND, if I want to this morning, I CAN go back to sleep for a while. – Over-cast again this morning. The house is silent and Bob is already off to work. But it stinks “stale”. Nothing I can do about that. – I realised that the only think I ate all day yesterday was chocolate-covered grahams. NOT good. But the week-end commences today and, if I can find something at the store, I can eat over the week-end. – And now… to the day. – I want to work on the front of the house today. The flower-bed has to be “cut” again where the lawn goes into it, and the little lawn needs a mowing. So too, the back again. But that’s to be expected… it’s been a week. I’ll get to that too. It keeps me busy and productive. – 16.34 JUST FINISHING:
CUT THE EDGE ON THE FRONT FLOWER-BED
MOWED THE FRONT LAWN
MOWED SOUTH SIDE OF HOUSE
MOWED THE BACK YARD TO THE EDGE OF THE BENCH GARDEN
(found some clear spray and put it on the “déchets” sign and then…)
PUT UP THE “DÉCHETS” SIGN IN THE NORTH FLOWER-BED!
Made the grave error of dropping by Jacquie’s this morning for a VERY brief while (was out by about 10.00 to start the yard-work). She “busied” herself with things for ME to DO. NOW she wants me to make sure the plants in the green-house are watered AND to PAINT the strips for the suspended ceiling in the room I cleaned and painted! Ah… then she made certain I took the envelope from the table… Later, I looked. 100. PRE-pay for the work expected, I would presume. But the note: Thanking me for taking care of Hallie and for yard work and “I hope we can garden”. She’s a Dear. She truly is. I’m just so in a state of getting out of this state and away from here. – Just noticed today: the “scratch” from when I cut the wood for the stove is infected. The bandage came off and it oozed some puss. Oh well… C’est ma vie. Indeed. – Now… a bit of a tea. Hallie, dinner at about 18.30 or so and hopefully a shower! I NEED one (and a shave too for that matter, but I doubt that’s to come tonight). – No word from Bob. I must remember to tell him that some guy came round this after-noon. “They said something about some patio work.” Ca se peut tu? As if. Oh well… Not my monkeys… not my circus. – I have to get today’s photos off the phone… and onto soc.med. Teehee. –
Lyle PX days
Penny coming to take care of him
Must ask bob where this puts me.

Fri.6.May: 6.59 And again, truned the alarm off this morning and went back to sleep. Woke feeling like staying asleep but the sun is brilliant this rmoning and the forecast is for 20°! So… And I suppose now, I should clean the flower-beds and get the property together for the arrival of Penny, Bruce. If nothing else, they can never say that I’ve simply lolled about the place. She was alawys “fair” in saying that I’d done wonders for the place. But still. I now wonder… Hopefully, this evening, I’ll be in the same state of fortitutde to ASK about my “disposal”. I do need to know. – Well, there are things to be done with this day and I suppose I must. The yard-work here, and the paiting and such over there. Things to be done. Ah… for others. Meanwhile, I need help with the car. But… that’s how “Life” is. – 22.55 Showered… in bed for some hours. Bob’s got the 2 from Winooski up. Chatty-yelling in the hall. Another night of ear-plugs. – PLEASE NEW YORK! – (On Saturday morning, just to keep the day’s events with the date.) Well… the day rolled into evening. I got the front flower-bed cleaned and the front of the house. It looks “neat” and “groomed” but not too much. I don’t want to disturb anything so as not to lose anything that;s out there. I don’t know what will be coming back this year, and quite honestly, I dont’ much care either. But it’s done. Then I went to the back flower-bed and “cleaned” that up as well. Not too tedious but it “appears”… “attended”. Good. As for the rest of the day? Well… Bob came in whilst I was over with Ms. Hallie. At about 17.00 I went to the store and got 4 pot-pies (2 for tonight, 2 for tomorrow) and some ice cream AND I BOUGHT 2 “Twisted Tea” simply because… and at about 18.00 I went to Hallie for “dinner” and TV. – Round about 19.30 I was at la cage to find that he’d brought the 2 fellows from Winooski up (presumably for the week-end but who knows). The 2 who spend most of their time “playing video games”, the one whom Lyle said drives him crazy because he’s so animated and all over the place. (And so it begins: No Lyle… the party commences?) I was civil and chatted a bit but I was also really tired so I came in, up-stairs and SHOWERED! – BUT… Bob DID mention how he likes the fence-posts in the back yard. “It looks ‘Vermont’.” he said. (I joked “OH GOD! BURN IT!” and we chuckled.) Anyway… time rolled along, I spent an evening with ONE of the “teas” and soc.med. until I just HAD to put the lights out (abotu 21.30). Ear-plugs in because, well, with those 2 in the house, they yell up and down the stairs and back and forth across the hall. The ear-plugs helped quite a bit and I was OUT with-in moments of my head hitting the pillow. Another day…. behind me. – I’m in a frame of “being” where I want to ask about my “time-line” here in this house. I’m getting nervous because of hearing nothing from Vincent and hoping that NY comes in and along and that it all goes well. But I need to know what to exptect when Lyle “goes”. HE said that, as long as HE’S in this house, I have a place to stay. Well? He’s soon to be gone… I suppose that I too, will be out soon there-after… if not before… when Penny arrives. Oh well… we shall see. It’s not as if such a thing’s never happened to me before.

Sat.7.May: 7.18 I woke at 4.30 and went back to sleep. Heard the 6 and 6.30 alarms and “dozed”. It’s time to wake. Bob’s up. The other 2 are in Bob’s room, door closed. I’m up from a smoke in the warmth and sun-shine of this Saturday morn. And… there’s work to be done (and I’m going to wash my clothes but not the linens today and that’s the extent of “work” for the day). – 8 hour’s sleep… with ear-plugs but… sleep. I feel “OK” but not so. And I have to “fill-in” yesterday. So? – Oh lookie here! “Spellcheck” isn’t working on this now. I wonder WTAF is wrong with this piece of shit lap-top now.- 23.55 NOTES: (I’m exhausted)
REMOVED QUITE THE SPLINTER FROM MY LEFT HAND FROM WHEN I SPLIT THE OLD FIRE-WOOD FOR JACQUIE! THE PUSS WAS LITERALLY OOZING AND I PINCHED AND… BLAM! QUITE LARGE!
Lyle will be coming home on hospice
Penny asked Bob if I’d help her attend to Lyle
Bob told her “yes” and AFTER saying, asked me if I would
Jacquie says I can stay there if tossed from here
The “guests” are still here (I wonder if they’ll go back tomorrow)
Quiet and calm day today. Did nothing. (SHOWER & CLOTHES at Jacquie’s this evening.)
Squeezed the sore on my left hand today. Puss AND A HUGE SPLINTER came out! No wonder it wasn’t healing!
(got Spellcheck back)
Last “tea” this evening (might go for v-ton too still)

Sun.8.May: 8.43 The very thing that I all but feared, sleeping until 9.00, has happened! I’ve only just had my coffee! JUST waking! Although I have to say that I was half-sleeping for the longest while last night and didn’t really get to lights out until after mid-night. Still… 9 HOURS! Or was I still awake at 3.00? Who knows? BUT… not it’s a matter of getting dressed and getting out to Hallie! Thankfully there’s no “work” that HAS to be done over there. Yes, Jacquie wanted the ceiling rails painted. But there’s time for that. But other-wise… Nothing. And the EARLIEST she’ll be home is 10.00. But she goes to mass and such and I think she’ll be going shopping this morning. Anyway… Hallie it is in a moment or so and then? Well, I’ve no doubt that “visiting” is in order because Kerry won’t be in town, and I don’t know that Jes will drop by. So… “friends’ will be called-for. I know Jacquie doesn’t like to be alone. So… – It’s “droozling” this morning, as was forecast. It’ll settle the earth and bring the fertiliser to the flowers… and give me a reprieve from lawn-mowing and such. How nice. – 21.08 In bed… hungry… thirsty. Having a “Nighty-Night” tea tonight. – It was cold, rainy, windy today. Very cold, in fact. Jacquie was back by about 14.00 and at about 16.00 I took a stroll over. Bob had brought the “guests” back and gone to visit Lyle. – At Jacquie’s there was some woman from a florist in Enosburgh who’d dropped by to deliver flowers for Mothers’ Day (from Jacquie’s son). Another “No Trump” liberal. It was annoying, but I kept my words. Then suddenly, Jacquie discovered the key to the lock on the barn! She didn’t bother to check it, but waited for Jes to come by. He went into the barn where there are about 4 walking tillers, the ride-on, a ride-on mower and TWO push mowers… both of which, Jacquie tells, work! I’ve been mowing here with a reel and there are TWO fucking mowers in the barn that aren’t being used! Well… the florist left, Jacquie and Jes went into the house for what-ever and I simply left. – When I got back to la cage, Bob was back already. Apparently Penny was up over the week-end and they got the funeral arrangements and such settled. A hospital bed and such are coming to the house this week and Lyle will be coming home to die when they’ve arrived. Penny will be staying in the “Wheat Room” (the room Randy was in) for the week at least, if not longer. I fear she’s going to be a total pain in the arse, one of those who knows little-to-nothing about “home care” and/or “hospice care” and will be running the show. Even Bob says she’s simply come in and taken over everything. AND I’m expected to “help” her with “care”. I dread this, but will turn “professional” at best. It’s all I can do. – Bob’s said that he’s going to get somebody to move in to help with the finances. It seems the two from Winooski will be the ones. He’ll give them his/Lyle’s room and he’ll take the “media room” for him-self. And there’s been no mention of me leaving… in fact, it appears, from as he speaks, I’m expected to stay on. (Probably to maintain the house because I KNOW the other two won’t mow lawns and such… two more “large” ones.) Ah… PLEASE… I WANT TO GO HOME TO NY! – Well, other than that, it was a day of “packing”. 4 boxes with “cold weather” clothing are packed. I did so whilst Bob was out, and stacked the boxes in the closet so it doesn’t appear “packed”. I’ll “bundle” them for easy carry during the week as time permits. I want things “done” and “ready to roll”… now. And no more “cluttering”. Time to prep for the day. – Now? As I say, the tea is steeping and I’m hoping for a night of SLEEP! Tomorrow, Bob will be going to work and at 16.00 has a “Hospice Care” meeting at hospital where they’ll tele-conference Penny. I’ll get the particulars as needed. “Business”. I don’t mind. I’ll do my best for Lyle. – This morning I thought how unfair it all is: the yard is amazingly different from when I arrived. I was looking at some of the photos from 2013. Today there are flowers and gardens and decorations on the barn. The lawn is neat and tidy. It truly does look so much better and different. And now… This is LYLE’S house, essentially, and he’d being denied the enjoyment… and I will, forever, hold the freak responsible! Fucking murderer, that one. May Karma attend in kind. But it actually hurt me to think that Lyle won’t get to enjoy HIS house and home because of this. Honestly… I think of my own “time and turn” and it’s looking like it’s about the time for both … rather soon. It won’t be long before I’ll start “falling apart” and I won’t do that here. And I WILL do it on MY terms and time. I want to be back in NY… in the Adirondacks. Mt. Marcy is just out-side Moriah… the highest point in NY. A nice place to “leave” from, if not “Tear of the Cloud”. No matter… I won’t be in Québec… but these days, I don’t want to be there. “Home”… NY. The North Country. Peace. Good-bye. Time. – Well then, that said, I’m going to soc.med. a bit and then try for sleep. – “Meal” today was 2 rolls with that American version of “cheese curd”. That’s about it and all. Oh… and some licorice from the store that really isn’t all that great. And a lot of that. Molasses and licorice root. Nourishing. Not. But enough for now. It has to be. There’s a tin of soup in the “larder” but… – End of the day. Another end… another day. – I can’t quite get over this: Lyle is dying. This truly isn’t the way I saw “Vermont”.

Mon.9.May: 7.06 Empty house. A few clouds over-head. Silence, save the traffic. And another day commences. “To do”. Things. Re-potting of plants and then? The goilz aren’t used to an empty house. I don’t want them to suffer but, I suppose they should be getting used to it. One of these days… Although, at the rate things are going, they’ll have those other 2 lounging about all day when they come. Oh well. – New York. When? – The day… commences. There’s nothing much more to say about it. – The tooth on the upper left is giving me trouble. Stiff face and neck. It’ll be coming out soon. Meanwhile… – Something. Always something. – (on Tue.) Cold and windy most of the day. I stopped by to see Jacquie this after-noon and she’s planting away over there. The house is a mess again. I honestly don’t understand people who have houses and won’t bother to clean them… and those who will have the house cleaned (as I do) and will immediately mess it up again. It reminds me of Barbara Smith who said “How DARE you make things neater and better? How DARE you? Because now you’ve made work for them!” Indeed. – Well as it turned out, Ms. Jacquie was off and socialising, taking Ms. Maryrose to Costco and then to a “concert” at St-Michael’s this evening. Yes… taken for granted… I got Ms. Hallie again this evening. People… – Bob made mention of something that causes me still MORE reason to get to NY: Apparently David and ? made a “report” whilst they where here about me having taken the dogs out on Saturday whilst Bob was away. Ah… and THESE are what he’s considering bringing into the house. More “Fag reports”. No, this will NOT swing well. – Anyway, indeed… Lyle is due back on Wednesday… Penny will be coming too and yours truly will be expected to jump in to “help”. – As the adage reads: Givers must draw the line because takers seldom do.

Tue.10.May: 5.57 Ca se peut tu? Early enough. And I woke before the alarms but stayed in bed until the 5.45. – Clear sky this morning. Warmer too. – Bob will be getting out of work at 10.00. “Hospice” is due today to set-up bed and such. Lyle due tomorrow. Penny by about 20.00 or 21.00 to “stay until….” And me? I’m on “Hospice Care” for the duration. No doubt, Ms. P. will be in the “wheat room” with door open… my mornings will return to the “freak” days of being monitored. Well… FACT is: I’ve put a LOT of work into the property out-side. I’ve photos and such (which I’m compiling and will made a bit of a “blog” from). This place would look like complete shit, were it not for me. The town knows… let the shit-chat commence. I’m just concerned… having not heard from Vincent for a while. But… I can always re-post my advert… and hope. – My head and neck are sore. Sinuses and that “tooth” issue. But we continue. – I think I should grab the Hoover this morning… just to get things a bit on the “tidy” side. I don’t know why… but… and there’s a bit of yard work to catch-up on. Something to “do”. – Fuck me. – 22.12 In bed at last. Very flatulent tonight. Ah… but “intake” all day was the end of the cheese on 2 rolls and a LOT of crisps and salsa, one tin of “Chunky”. Is it any wonder? And my LEFT side of my back wants to “go out”. I can’t afford a bad back now! And I “did” almost nothing all day. Raked the back flower bed and the “shed” area. Visited with Jacquie and did nothing there… save for this evening when I REPAIRED HER PORCH DOOR AGAIN! AND THIS TIME, I GOT IT TO WHERE IT CLOSES THE WAY IT WAS SUPPOSED TO AND WILL CLOSE ALL THE WAY NOW! Screwed the brace back in and planed the “saddle” so the door actually closes AND sprayed WD40 on the hinges! HEY! – This after-noon I went into Enosburgh with Bob… to the pharmacy there. WONDERFUL little store! And he took me to Ace, and Bond and Napa and I HAVE THE GRINDING COMPOUND FOR THE MOWER! NOW ALL I NEED TO DO IS FIGURE HOW TO GET THE DAMNED THING SHARPENED! But I have the compound at last! – And he wants the 3 lilacs that Jacquie has in tubs. Told me I could plant them any-where but decided to put them on the property line out back. I figure roughly 14ft (my feet) between them and it’ll be fine! So I’ll have to see about getting them over here. – The hospital bed arrived today. It’s set in the “Antique” room off the parlour. Lyle comes home tomorrow… to die. Penny will be here at about 21.30/22.00 tomorrow night. “It’ begins. I’ve a terrible feeling that she’s going to be one royal pain in the arse though. Oh well… we shall see. And she’ll be across the hall every night now. I’m NOT looking forward to this. – Anyway, I got hornswaggled into getting Hallie’s dinner again this evening which is when I repaired the porch door over there. And I’m just up from last smoke and Jacquie STILL isn’t back from her gallivanting. It annoys me: paying no attention to Hallie, nor her “responsibilities” round HER house. But the next weeks will be here, at la cage. I rather owe that much to Lyle. Bob says he’s terribly weak. And we don’t KNOW what kind of “home care” will be coming. So? So. – Well… I’m showered now and ready for sleep I hope. Another day is wrapped up and done.

Wed.11..May: 6.42 Slept through the alarms this morning. Won’t be able to do that again for a while. Bowels were a mess. Chest is a bit on the “knifey-sore” side for some reason. “Anticipatory anxiety” about the days/weeks to come, no doubt. Lifting, rolling, turning, etc. And I’ve the deep-gut feeling that Penny is going to be one of “those”… demanding, unrealistic, and so forth. Well… and I expect some sort of “confrontation” about something. Oh well. If it’s to come, it will. But there’s no sense in fretting it now. I DO so much about the place. And as Jacquie pointed out this week: when I’m gone, they’ll have to “hire” somebody to “do”. Oh well… just move forward. “KADIMA!” – Bob will be back at about 11-11.30. We shall see… we shall, indeed. – 22.28 ALL are in bed for the night. UNfortunately, there are GATES across the stairs so if I want to go out for a smoke, I’ll have to open the gate and hope the goilz don’t get through. But… to the day: From about 9-12.00 I worked on trying to sharpen the blades on the mower. Couldn’t get a socket to fit tightly enough round the axle! So in resignation, I had to pull the blades by hand. Needless to say… it didn’t work. But I DID get to see and clean the mechanism on the one wheel. AND I tried to repair the other mower but that’s going to take some doing. At about noon, Bob came to the house. I was mowing the front so that was good… I was “busy”. I’d NO intention of doing the rest of the yard but ended up doing… to the back of the barn! There’s a patch that still needs mowing but I just couldn’t… Part of the reason for that is… AS I WAS MOWING AT THE BARN, HOT AND SWEATING… BOB CAME TO THE BACK DOOR TO ASK IF I’D HELP THE PARA-FUCKTARDZ GET LYLE INTO THE BED!!! I SNAPPED “NO! I’M EXHAUSTED FROM MOWING THIS MUCH AND IT’S THEIR JOB! LET THEM EARN THEIR PAY!” and he said “OK.” and went back in. I WAS RIP-ROARING PISSED! IT SO REMINDED ME OF THE DAY I’D BEEN WORKING IN THE YARD AND SUCH AND LYLE AND RANDY STEPPED OUT WITH THE DOGS… AND THERE I AM, HOT AND TIRED AND SWEATING AND LYLE OFFERED RANDY A GLASS OF ICE WATER AND ME? NOTHING! SO FUCK THEM ALL ANYWAY. I went to the store for 2 “Twisted Tea” and was truly about to down both and let the yard go. But I did the most and the best I could with the yard and had only the one. (The other is here, but I don’t really want it right now.) ANYWAY… I finished my bit on the yard and came in to see the Nurse who seems sweet enough. Poor Lyle is SO WEAK! He does as Bob said: He’ll start to talk and his voice will drift off and so too, him. His palour is good, he’s SO swollen, but is so weak that he sleeps. Hospice will be coming in for about an hour every day for a while which is good and a Nurse will, of course, back the “LNA”. MEANWHILE… I got in a shower and chatted with Bob as he dumped SO many of Lyle’s old meds! It was rather amazing to see the stock-pile of pills that have been accumulated. (There are two of oxymorphone that were kept in the kitchen cup-board and another of anti-depressants which he was going to toss but I saved… for me… one never knows. – When we ‘d done with that, round about 20.00, I dropped by to see Jacquie (and had a slice of pizza… earlier today I went to the store for half’n’half to have some rice breakfast cereal). Whilst I was there, Penny arrived (about 21.00) so bade Jacquie a good-night. I’d seen her briefly earlier… I HAD TO MENTION THE PORCH DOOR BEING REPAIRED. IT’S GETTING TO THE POINT WHERE SHIT IS BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED NOW. She was on her way out for an errand but I wanted to know when she was leaving for work tomorrow so I went back. It’s getting to where I don’t want to be there! NOT GOOD! – And so, I bade good0night there and came back to find Penny and Bob in the kitchen AND Penny brought “Nyack” (her dog)… FOR THE DURATION! Dixie and Ellie well… but Nyack gets along with NO one! And so, there are gates across to keep Dixie and Ellie down-stairs and Nyack up-stairs and me, locked here until… – 22.46 Bob’s sleeping down-stairs with Lyle tonight. Penny’s in the “wheat” room, door closed. I’m in this room, door closed. On Saturday, Penny’s going to get a “baby monitor” to put with Lyle. – This is going to prove “interesting”. But my “week-end” commences tomorrow evening… Right now I’m truly quite hungry. A tin of “Chunky” and a tin of pasta in the larder. No nibblies. But I’m about ready for sleep anyway. – Oh.. Ellie jumped right up onto Lyle this afternoon. Poor little thing… she’s SO attached to him. – PS: I’ve sun-burn on arms and neck. Rain to come for the next 3 days.

Thu.12.May: 5.55 Awake to the alarms and the dogs and the general mayhem. So much for “peace” in the country. – 6.08 Coffee and smoke done. Seems I can make it out and back with-out detection. “Jude’s still asleep.” said Penny, as I headed up the stairs. She’s getting a full confrontation this morning. Bob turned the TV off last night and apparently shut “things” down. Penny had to listen to “instructions” from Lyle on how to turn it all back on and as I got to the top of the stairs I heard her say “Don’t use that language. There are people still asleep in the house.” HERE we GO! AND… already, the phone rang this morning. – Me? Well, the sun is starting to pour into the room. The forecast was for rain the next 3 days, but as of last night, that’s been “postponed” it seems. Today I believe I may get the lilacs in, in the back yard and move the car to behind the barn. I’m quite achy this morning and I’ve a blister on my left palm. But… there are things that can and should (and probably must) be done… especially these days. So? The temperature read at about 1 or 2°. We shall see. There’s also a patch of grass that NEEDS to be mowed. A difficult spot. We shall see. We shall. – Meanwhile, the house is lit like “mid-night”: parlour and kitchen shining like beacons in a cold and empty sea. Honestly… Oh well. – (6.16 and the TV volume is up. As Bob said: it’s the “surround sound”…. BOOMBOOM comes along. At least we know it won’t be at night. I doubt Penny will put up with that.) –
21.25…
***** THE LAWN IS MOWED!!! THE WHOLE LAWN!!! BACK TO THE SPRUCE!!! TWICE!!! AND ONCE WITH A
GAS-ENGINE PUSH MOWER!!! YES!!! THIS MORNING IT TRIED TO MOW THE LAST SQUARE AND JUST COULDN’T SO I DECIDED TO LEAVE IT. I busied round the yard to keep out of the house and away from Ms.P. Although WE did get Lyle OOB to commode. Poor guy was in such pain! But we did it. Ms.P. is, as expected, a pain… because “I read it on the Internet…” Right. Fuck off! Anyway… *****
***** AT ONE POINT THIS AFTER-NOON, JACQUIE CAME TO THE FENCE AND SHE AND Ms.P DID “CATCH-UP” AND JACQUIE COMMENTED TO HER ON HOW BEAUTIFUL THE BACK YARD LOOKS (I’D MOWED, OF COURSE). WELL! Ms.P. VERBALLY KNOCKED THE COMPLIMENT RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF THE BALL-PARK WITH A “YEAH…. ANYWAY…” LATER, I WENT TO CHAT WITH JACQUIE AND SHE COULDN’T BELIEVE IT! BUT I TOLD HER IT’S BEEN LIKE THAT FOR THE 3 YEARS I’VE BEEN HERE DOING SHIT. SHE COULDN’T BELIEVE IT. (I GUESS SHE’S THOUGHT I WAS JUST BEING WHINEY.) *****
SO… that done, I returned to the yard and tried to hide in the barn as much as possible but stopped into the house whilst the COC and HCA were here. The RN is AMAZING! Anne is a GEM! The HCA? :Older” woman. Probably one of those “I’ll do what I MUST”. But we shall see. She sat at table with Ms.P. and Ann because Lyle’s meds HADN’T BEEN SIGNED-OFF BY THEIR PCP!!! FUCK! Juan Nunez… YES, I’ll put the shit-bag’s name here. Fuck him! So Ms.HCA got her hour’s pay and chit-chatted with Ms.P. who went on about all she “knows” because she “researched it on the Internet”. Well goody for you! I simply returned to the barn where I had my “Twisted Tea”. I NEEDED ONE by that point. – Jacquie left for work at about 14.00 and I went over and
***** GOT THE THREE LILACS AND… THEY’RE PLANTED ALONG THE PROPERTY LINE! This morning, I’d gone to the Town Hall to get the property line. Lisa, of course, didn’t have the map nor ANY of the particulars. “I’ll have to do some research and get back to you.” Fuck. So I went over to the store to ask Sue (Mayo). SHE told me to ask Bill! NOBODY FUCKING KNOWS THEIR PROPERTY LINES IN THIS FUCKING HOLE! OK. But…
***** AS I’M LOOKING FOR SUE, Ms.P COMES TO ME. LYLE WANTS TO BE DISIMPACTED! I TOLD HER FLAT OUT “NO!” FOR FEAR OF HEART ATTACH. (When I spoke later with Bob, he completely agreed! Bless him… for that much anyway.) And soooo…..
It was later when I went back for the donuts and half’n’half )my breakfast/lunch) I asked Bill who told me where the line was (as HE knows it). So I used HIS advice to do the planting. – Bob came home from work… didn’t notice. Of course. I pay these morons no mind any longer. The lilacs are planted beautifully. That’s all I give a hit about. But …
OH! I’D COME INTO THE HOUSE TO GET A DRINK OF WATER AND MY THINGS TO GO SHOWER AT JACQUIE’S AND Ms.P’s MUTT CAME OUT FROM UNDER THE KITCHEN TABLE AND NIPPED THE BACK OF MY RIGHT FOOT! HAD I NOT BEEN WEARING BOOTS, THE SHIT-BAG WOULD HAVE BITTEN ME. SO I SAID, FIRMLY, THAT IF THE THING BITES ME I’M ON THE PHONE TO THE POLICE! OH! “SHE’S BEEN SO GOOD WITH YOU ALL DAY!” SAYS Ms.P! BULL-SHIT! SO I SIMPLY SAID: I GET BITTEN AND ONE OF US IS GOING… DISCUSS AMONGST YOURSELVES… GOT MY THINGS AND WENT TO JAQCQUIE’S TO GET Ms.HALLIE HER DINNER, TRANSPLANT THE RASPBERRY BUSH AND CLEAN UNDER THE CEDARS. WELL…
***** GOT TO TALKING WITH KAILAH WHO TOLD ME NOT TO MOW JACQUIE’S LAWN BECAUSE THEY GET A CUT IN RENT WHEN THEY DO IT (RIGHT) AND TOLD ME THAT THEY USED ONE OF THE PUSH MOWERS. I AGREED TO TRY THE OTHER ONE AND WHEN I’D DONE THE PLANTING/RAKING, I WENT TO THE BARN TO TRY THE ONE… I RUNS! I WAS SO FUCKING DELIGHTED! SO, I TOOK IT TO GLIDDEN’S WHERE I FINISHED THE BIT I COULDN’T MOW AND… RAN THE WHOLE BACK YARD AGAIN… IN ABOUT 45 MINUTES! NO MORE 5-6 HOURS! I WAS SO THRILLED (STILL AM). BOB CAME OUT AND SAW ME, WE CHATTED ABOUT HEALTH-CARE ISSUES WITH LYLE AND OF COURSE… NOT ONE UTTERANCE OF APPRECIATION!!! FUCKING ENTITLED SHIT-BAGS OF DOUCHE WATER, THIS GROUP! I SO SO SO SO SO SO SO NEED NEED NEED NEED NEED NEED NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF AND AWAY FROM HERE! BUT… *** ME ***, *** I *** FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW WITH THE LAWN DONE AND THE MOWER! – And by the way: Curtis came by, did the lawn for the store, did the path to the berry bushes (of course), the back section to the spruce and did NOT mow the one patch that I’d left! Fucking Hell this place and these in-breeds. – OK… so the work was done, Hallie and I romped and frolicked and I went to Jacquie’s where I showered!!!! Tomorrow I’ll make wash. But tonight. I’m SHOWERED, clean and I tell you, it’s BLOODY HOT IN THIS ROOM! Kailah said it had gone up to 89°F today! I’m actually hot from sun-burn! – Came in at about 21.00, had a chat with Ms.P. about Lyle and such. She heavily medicating him.. the fucktard. She’ll kill him, I’m almost certain. But … – And now… my back is stiff but the yard is amazing and I have access to a MOWER. I’m quite happy… Now to address the matter of the car and… All will be well. – Finishing my 3rd “Twisted Tea” of the day and… lights out after some soc.med.

Fri. 13.May: 9.27 at Jacquie’s. Woke at 5.30 to hear Ms.P. and Bob yelling to each-other. Dozed until about 7.00. Up. Coffee. Toilet (which had cleaners in it… soaking… too fucking bad, that). Dressed, stripped the bed and headed to the door. Met by Dixie and Ellie in the upper hall and I had a bag of food for them “in case”. WELL! I no sooner get to the kitchen and “Nyack”, Ms.P’s mutt, starts the barking at me and such! AND THEN LUNGES TOWARD ME! P. TELLS ME “WE’VE ALREADY HAD AGGRESSION ISSUES WITH THAT ONE.” AND POINTS TO DIXIE! I SAID “THE AGGRESSION ISSUES ARE WITH THAT ONE.” AND THRUST MY FOOT OUT. “DON’T YOU KICK AT HER!” SAYS Ms.P! AND I LET LOOSE WITH “FUCK THAT BITCH!” (MEANING THE FUCKING MUTT UNDER THE TABLE.) AND LEFT! WELL! ONCE AGAIN I HAVE TO WATCH WHERE I GO AND HOW OFTEN I COME AND GO IN THAT HOUSE! IT’S THE SAME AS LOCKING MYSELF IN THE ROOM WHEN THE FREAK WAS THERE AND I COULDN’T LEAVE THE ROOM TO PEE! NAH… THIS SHIT ISN’T FLOATING WELL. VINCENT? PLEASE? LET’S GET TOGETHER AND PLEASE TAKE ME ON BACK HOME!!!! VERY VERY VERY SOON!
Last night… a strange DREAM:
I don’t recall ALL of it but there was a time of driving about with others in the car (some black, sporty sort of car) on a completely FLAT TYRE! Had to get to a service station to fill with with air and did so, but the tyre went flat again… Then… the people I was with and I were sleeping in the car some-where. It was night and rather cold. I had my crochet afghan with and started cutting it into smaller “portions” so that the others had blankets. Got to one point where there wasn’t much left of it and I suddenly realised that it would unravel if I were to cut it any more. So I commented that I wouldn’t cut any more off of it. The gal (there were either 2 or 3 of them and she was the only gal) got a bit snappy with me, wanting me to cut more. I got pissed… and woke.
A bit of “dream work”: The “flat tyre” could well be the flat that Jacquie had on the week-end past, combined with the flat on the Subaru, coupled with the potential trip to Plattsburgh that I SO NEED right now! The blanket? GIVING OF ME… to EVERYBODY ELSE, INCLUDING THE BULL-SHIT WITH Ms.P and her dissatisfaction with the work I’ve done to-date round the house AND her fucked attitude about her mutt. – As I say… just “work”. I don’t know. I could get into it more… but I don’t care. – Well then, that said… – 9.43 Kerry’s just come by with friends of Jes’ (who didn’t come into the house). Took Hallie for a stroll. My bed linens are in the dryer, dishes washed, floors swept. And I’ve a day ahead of planning to sleep in the Subaru for the duration or going in only when Bob’s there to avoid “confrontation” and lies. I’m also going to investigate into the being bitten by Ms.P’s mutt. At this point, after a Summer of putting up with the police calls to the house and such, I’m pondering the possibility of an order of protection or something of the sort to keep that “thing” away from me so that I’m not “entrapped”. We shall see. – For now… I’ve got my coffee and creamer with, will see about getting something to eat o’er the week-end and take it as it comes along. Will also work on the “Before & After” photos of the Gliddden property… to post on-line… politely. A little “photo blog” of sorts… to back me up. – 20.55 After a day of mostly falling asleep on the recliner at Jacquie’s, I’ve decided to stay the night… on the recliner. The back light at la cage is on, could be for my navigation to the door, but (a) I don’t know and (b) j’m’en câlisse. I’m hungry. My PopTarts are in the “larder”, so too my tonic and some vodka, tins of Chunky and a tin of pasta. I’ve eaten the pizza here, a bowl of oatmeal with molasses and honey and creamer and a few spoons of the end of some ice cream. But I want a night of non-violence and a morning of the same so… I’m taking a “holiday” on the recliner. Hopefully it’ll be a restful night. But I get to watch FoxNews. That’s kind of nice(ish). Saw Bill O’Reilly! YAY! – Other-wise… I’m working on the photo-montage for the work done here at la cage. I can’t open the “blog” from here but I now have the opportunity to “create” it and, should the opportunity arise, I’ll have an on-line “portfolio”. And I’m looking forward to posting my “accomplishments” to Vincent. Hopefully it’ll substitute for my résumé and will be QUITE instrumental… it would be spiffy if the move back to the “home-state” would come sooner. But I’ll use the time wisely… whether for Vincent or others. Nice to have this opportunity to do this: a photo-blog. – And so, as I mentioned to Jacquie in this evening’s “report”: I’ve been “Homeless” and so, to others, this being kept out of the house and away from my belongings means nothing to others. (My time will come… and as I walk Hallie I keep thinking: one evening, soon, I’ll be back on “home-state” soil… “Adirondacks”. One evening….)

Sat.14.May: NYC8539266 Twtr is 5 years old today.
7.05 After a some-what “sleepful” night on the recliner. It was lights-out by about 22.30 and woke at about 3.30 this morning. Got up, checked the clock and went back to the recliner and fell back to sleep. – This morning is a clear blue sky, not too chilly but not too warm either. And here I am, had a quick coffee and smoke, Ms. Hallie an Mme. Poulet have had their breakfast and yesterday’s oatmeal is coming through for me. I’m a bit tired and not too awfully “ready for the day”. But… WTF do I care? Eh? I miss “my” Internet connectivity on my lap-top but I’ll check the rest on Jacquie’s in a bit. I want to get back to the photos today. Many, I found, went into a directory of “Mes Voyages”. I wonder why, but at least I found them… particularly the “stages” of digging “Daisy’s Garden”. Indeed, MUCH work has been done for these “people”, none, I’m sure, that’s appreciated. – Well, it’ll be interesting to see if anybody noticed that I wasn’t there all night. Although, the room door was open and the bed is still not made. Fukkem. I haven’t the time nor interest (nor energy for that matter) to care. – AND… according to Twtr’s records, the NYC8539266 account is only 3 years old today. That can’t be correct because I was on it in the Shelter and I’ve been in Fucklin for 3 years (4, if memory serves, come June). I’ll have to re-check that. But imagine… today’s the anniversary. Hmmm… Look at where I’ve come to and where I’ve come from since then. And today, still rather “Homeless”. There never will be a “Home” ever again… not that there ever truly was, considering the old man always trying to kill me off or toss me out to some-where. – 8.35 Confirmed: NYC8539266 is 5 years old today. Time has passed quickly. Opened the account in May 2011… and in October I was headed North. 5 months later. Out of the Shelter… and this morning… well… Jacquie sent a message saying that I can stay here and tell “them” to call me when they need me. Ca se peut tu? Not “truly” “Homeless”… yet no place to honestly call “Home”. Life… what a curse. – But the sun is shining and forecast is for 21° so… Another day. – 21.56 AT JACQUIE’S. Sitting in the recliner, there’s SO much I’d like to be able to record tonight but I don’t know that I can. I’m absolutely exhausted! The laundry is all done. I’ve showered. I’m in my “work” clothes for the night, and no shirt. T-shirt, but my regular shirts are in the room… 2 houses up the road… inaccessible. Having my 2nd “Twisted Tea”. I got 2 more today. Yes, I “shopped” on Shabbat. And… I’m hungry. I’ve finished my PopTarts, had some almonds. That’s that for food. And I’ve LOST about 4lbs in the past 2 days. That said… the day? – Well… the morning went along slowly as I looked through all the photos of all of the work that I’ve put into 5225. I have to get them together and posted to a “blog”! But then, came the after-noon. I saw Ms.P. walking her bitch and I bolted for 5225 to get my work gloves and clippers and such and when I got there, in the back yard, Bob, with some folks who’ve come to visit Lyle. Bob tells me that Lyle’s “mottling”, (his circulatory system is shutting down). Ann (RN) tells them that it could be “the end” or it might get better. He (Bob) then tells me that I can go in and talk with Lyle if I want to! FUCK! So I went in, grabbed my things quickly, looked down the stairs and saw that Lyle was sleeping. Sleeping. His only escape from the pain and suffering. I didn’t go to wake him. The Nurse and HomeCare had been there at about 11.00. It was after noon when I finally got there. No, I wasn’t going to wake him and bring him back to the pain. So I left and came back to Jacquie’s where… I put some old tarp beside the compost pile by the chicken yard so it won’t have to be maintained. Next, I repaired the little “fence” round the hollyhocks in Jacquie’s back yard. Also, I mowed the area where the car is parked (since I’ll be “residing” there come tomorrow). – That done, I came into the house to watch a bit of TV and Jes came by to ask about changing the oil on the tiller and mowers. I don’t know about the belts and such. So Jes says he’s going to phone Jacquie and check with her. Honestly, these people can do SO much to dodge “doing”. I tried to pull up the pieces of tarp in the garden out back but seriously, I just CAN’T! I don’t have the energy, stamina, ability. I’m running down and out… and mostly? Because I’m HOMELESS again! Bob just lets it roll along. I told him that I’m a shit-head for simply making it easier for Ms.P. and her mutt and him. “You’re not a shit-head. Not to me you’re not.” says he. Right. So I’m just a piece of shit you can toss away. Ah… speaking of “tossing away”… HE DUMPED ELLIE! SENT HER AWAY WITH THE GUYS FROM NEK! DIXIE IS ALONE NOW. (She was in the yard when I went over to see her. There was some guy there who knew me and made several references to Shabbat and working. I replied “I won’t have one of those (Shabbat) until I get back to New York.” I doubt that struck Bob at all, but it’s been said. What comes of it is to be seen… and I doubt its going to be favourable for me. – During the day, I posted to NYC8539266 about being tossed back into Homelessness. Michele asked me where and who and such. I sent her the names and address. She told me that if they were o Twitter, she’d give them Hell. I told her where to find them on fesses-book. She offered to write a letter of reference for the spot in NY. Vincent! I have a “reference”! Hey! But I’m playing it on Twtr from now on. This being “tossed” will NOT float by in silence. – Sent a couple of “up-dates” to Jacquie. Of course, non-committal. As I told her in one message: I know what this is all like… being tossed and having no “friends’ or “family”. And yes… it most certainly is. Yes, I have a “shelter”, “house” Thursday-Saturday. But to be tossed to the side this way? I understand that Ms.P. is “family” to Lyle. I understand that Bob is “family”… but to intentionally NOT do anything to make the situation better, to NOT keep the biting bitch away to let me get to the door? I COULD go to the police but… me being “me”… Not worth the bother. – No matter what… I DO still believe that “Life” or “Karma” attends. I just need to do what I must to get out of here… and hope that NY comes through MUCH sooner AND that I’m able to get there.. IMMEDIATELY. – Well, right now, Ms. Hallie is dozing off on the floor in the dining room. She’s staying awake with me. Sweet hear. I miss Dixie so much right now. SHE’S going to be my heart-ache when I leave. And now… she’s alone… and will be alone all day when I leave. And Bob will ignore her. And again… I’ll put my faith and trust in Karma. And may Karma come immediately, swiftly and justly… for all. – I’m tired. SO TIRED! SO out of energy. Earlier, I realised it’s depression. But it’s still horrid. Well… this is it. I’m smoking about a pack a day now. It’s 22.35 and I MUST be awake and about BEFORE Jacquie gets back. (I have the option: Get into 5225 and be locked in the room. Decisions.)

Sun.15.May: 7.54 The floors are swept, the kitchen floor was damp-mopped with a touch of PineSol and I’m sitting to have a tea. My guts and bowels are in knots. – A night on the bed in the little bed-room that I cleaned, dressed in my “work” clothes. I’d had the alarms set for 5.30 and 5.45 but at about 5.15 the phone rang. Bob… in tears, so it sounded. Lyle died at about 4.00 this morning and if I wanted to come over to say “Good-bye” I could. Permission. How charming. I haven’t gone. Instead, I got up, had my coffee of boiled water and tap, in my glass, had my morning smoke and dump. As I was on the toilet, there was a faint knock at the back door. I had the lights on and such already, but I didn’t get up. Hallie barked only but a bit. By the time I’d done with my dump, whom-ever it was at the door was gone. Hey… as far as anybody’s concerned, I’d been in the car over-night and wasn’t in the house when the phone rang. I’m not worth making some small arrangement for, so that I can get to the bed and my belongings? I know, in my heart and soul, that Lyle, of most people, understands. But the teary message was quite the eye-opener. Toss Lyle’s “friend” AND Ellie and have the nerve to be teary? Fag. That covers it… Drama Queen/Fag. Nothing more to be said. And so, anyway, I grabbed the Hoover coming to the kitchen, just to make it appear that I was prepping to clean the place as I do. But as I say, whom-ever was at the door was gone. That was at about 6.00. – So… I got into the cleaning. – 8.37 WELL! Bob actually came over as I was typing. To say that he’d phoned and had come by… AFTER the funeral home came to take Lyle… and to chat. “He thought so highly of you… and don’t get me wrong, I do too.” says he. Ca se peut tu? “I’m sorry that things got to the point where they are these past couple of days, but she came to take care of him and had no choice but to bring the dog.” Yeah, well… “Time” will tell us all that we need to know. – Speaking of which, it just crossed my mind: Telling Jacquie today… Tomorrow is Cecil’s yartzeit. 1 year ago tomorrow. And the Gliddens are a large part of her past here in this Hell-hole, shit-box town. Hmmm… the world… time… life… odd. – Well, Ms.P. is sleeping. As Bob tells it, she was wake at about 4.00 to give him his “meds”, the MS. She gave it and his breathing was laboured. He’d already started drooling “brown” during the day. But Bob says that instead of giving Lyle the ,25ml of MS susp., they were giving him the 1ml. So… I shouldn’t be shocked to think they rather “done him in”. But, no matter what or such, Lyle is now at “Peace”… and if there’s any truth to the rumours of “here-after”… his idol and mentor was Chris Squire of the “Yes” band… it’s nice to think they’re about to have a lovely meeting and quite the “jam session”. He didn’t suffer in pain for long. He’d gone through his “Hell” and today, Lyle J. Glidden is at the “Peace” we all yearn for from the moment of conception. I’ll never really know what it was about him that annoyed me, other than the obvious inability to see the obvious (the freak). And I can’t help but recall the day I’d cleaned the barn, in the heat and humidity, standing there sweating horribly, dehydrated and he and the freak came to the back porch to stand with the dogs… and he offered the freak a glass of ice-water…. and to me? Nothing. Well… that was “then”… gone and passed. And as I just said to Bob: we hopefully learn from our experiences. – Anyway, Ms.P. and Bob will be going to the funeral home at some point in time and Bob said they’ll be taking Ms.P’s mutt with. I’ll be able to get to the room, get a jacket (which I most certainly could use now… it’s back to the early days of The Fort and the Shelter: cold, damp, bone-chilling and I’ve got only a t-shirt and the fleece “jacket”. Time repeating. (But we learn from our past… I know this chill and discomfort. I’ll remember why I’m re-living it.) I’ll have to get the sleeping bag for time in the car. I’ll have to figure how to do this “car” stint too… Jacquie sent a text this morning/last night saying that I’m not “Homeless”, that I can stay here. I’d really rather not, to be honest. So I’ll have to spin something so that I can be in the car over-night and up and about before she wakes. Well HELL and SHIT! It’s back to being in T6! Lingering until all others are gone and asleep… half-sleeping through the night to be awake and active come the morning so that nobody knows. WOW! THIS TRULY AND ACTUALLY RE-LIVING THE HOMELESS DAYS! FUCKING FREAKY! – Bob’s taking the week off. The “wake” will be on Wednesday (today’s only Sunday!) The burial will be on Thursday. So I’m looking at “residing in” the car for Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday at least. 4 nights…. No Internet unless I can get to the barn to re-charge the lap-top and connect. AND having to figure where/how to protect the lap-top from the elements. Thankfully, today and tomorrow will be rainy. The remainder of the week is expected to be “fair” and clear. I can only hope… The tough times, they are back. – Well ’tis time to move things into the car and out of Jacquie’s. What I’ll do with the rest of the day is anybody’s guess. But as I’ve learnt: get through each moment as it comes and passes… eventually another day will have passed. I don’t actually know where I’m going… but I know where I am. Deal with “am”… “Going” will take care when we arrive.
•PLANTED THE 3 LILACS FROM JACQUIE’S ON THE BORDER BETWEEN 5225 AND THE STORE.

Mon.16.May:
• As my memory of today is rather blurred and I’m typing this on Friday already (at 14.27), it was a “slow” day. I needed to (NEEDED) get out of that frigging “cage”, of course and as I did so, sure enough… THE FUCKING BLOODY MUTT CAME AT ME AGAIN as I crossed the kitchen, non-stop, to get to the back door! FUUUUUCK! AND THE FIST/ONLY FUCKING WORDS OUT OF Ms.P’s FUCKING HOLE? “WE’VE ALREADY HAD AN AGGRESSION PROBLEM WITH THIS ONE (REFERRING TO DIXIE) THIS MORNING.” SHE, Ms.P., GOT A GOOD SLAP-DOSE OF HER SHIT RIGHT BACK IN HER FACE WHEN I LOST IT AND TOLD HER THAT THE ONLY “AGGRESSION PROBLEM” IN THE HOUSE WAS WITH *HER* LITTLE BITCH! IT WAS ONLY ABOUT 8.30 OR SO AND THIS SHIT STARTS? THE BROAD’S A FUCKING RETARD! FULL RETARD! So I just went straight over to Jacquie’s. We did a tiny bit of “stuff” about the house at Jacquie’s. She planted some more peas in the garden and marvelled at how the previously planted peas were already growing. But that was just about all that was done. I was invited to lunch and tea and the day rolled on as we watched a bit of TV. I stayed for a light dinner and when it was done this evening, Jacquie asked where I would go, knowing that I had NO intention of going back to la cage. When I told her I was headed for the car, she insisted that I stay at the house, got up, went into the back bed-room, turned on a light and insisted I stay. So? I did. Not completely by will, but, more to keep peace. After all, I’d be sleeping in the car on her property. Well… night ONE of being truly HOMELESS… again… AGAIN!

Tue.17.May:
•MOWED ALL OF JACQUIE’S PROPERTY TODAY! I was going to only do the front but, as I went along, I got to the South side and then the back and then behind the house… and into the garden!!! AND WITH THE PUSH MOWER!!!!
•RE-MOWED AT 5225 TOO!
•Trimmed the peonies along the drive at Jacquie’s.
•Bob came by as I was working in the South yard to say “Thank you” and asked if I woul walk to the cemetery with him. On the walk he had the balls to tell me that he’s sorry that it all turned the way it did, with me not stayig at la cage. AND THAT LYLE WOULD BE REALLY UPSET ABOUT IT. *BUT* HE MADE EXCUSES FOR Ms.P. RATHER THAN *DO* ANYTHING TO *CHANGE* THE SITUATION! HONESTLY? THESE PEOPLE ARE COMPLETE IDIOTS. AND DO I BELIEVE ANY OF THE “SUPPORTIVE” BULL-SHIT? OH HELL NO!!! AND… he was carrying a small, plastic, yellow vase with… DAFFODILS in it! YEP, the QUNT managed to pick the flowers *I* have worked to grow… transplanting and feeding and such. WHAT a fucking kick in the face! Well, at the cemetery he mentioned that the funeral home would be coming to the cemetery at about 13.00 tomorrow to measure the plot for digging but that he couldn’t be there. I KNOW he was waiting for me to volunteer… I did NOT!
•For the rest of the day, not too much got “accomplished” (as memory serves right now, on Friday, at 14.46). I went back to the house with Jacquie and we watched a bit of TV. Tonight there was to be a special interview with Trump that she and I wanted to watch but… At one point, the TV went “out” and Jacquie tried to call for service but they were a pain in the arse. Also, a larger pain is the fact that everything on the “console” in the living-room is plugged into one power strip which is plugged in BEHIND the console! WELL! I did what I could and suddenly discovered how to get the TV working “manually” so that we could watch the report. I could tell she wasn’t thrilled by this and, as usual, not terribly thankful for even that much. But… we had a bit of dinner and we DID get to watch our show. After the programme, it was off to another night in the little bed in the little room. – NIGHT 2 OF HOMELESSNESS.

Wed.18.May:
*** MOURNING DOVE ***
•Lyle’s wake” was today, 16-19.00, in St-Albans. Jacquie said she’d stop by for a while.
•Jacquie had to go to a “Staff Meeting” in BTV, noon-15.00.
•I had a day in town to my-self and aside from having some work to do round Jacquie’s, needed to “busy” my-self and… I DID:
•Cut/Trimmed the South-side flower beds and round the lilacs whilst she was gone.
*** As I worked on the lilac bush, I looked up and there, on one of the limbs… a young mourning dove! It just perched there as I worked below, clipping the suckers out and clearing the leaves and weeds! At one point, it flew off the bush and settled on the window sill… in the room where I’m sleeping! So I went to get 2 worms, hoping it would eat something. Poor little thing. (Tonight, when I told Jacquie about it, she said “If Cecil were here, it would be in the house.” but we both agreed NOT to do such a thing.) Still, I can’t get over this: A MOURNING DOVE… KEEPING ME COMPANY, ON THE DAY OF LYLE’S WAKE. I wonder…. – By this evening, it found its way to a maple tree in the yard, so I was relieved to know that it CAN fly. Still, I find it rather “haunting”.***
•The lilacs and flower-beds took the better part of the entire day and I’m not complaining and I was really rather exhausted and sweaty and looking forward to the end of the day but…
•I STARTED ON THE TARPS this evening, round about 17.00. I wasn’t going to but curiosity got the best of me. Jacquie had suggested that a box cutter might work on cutting the rolls down to a manageable size and so, I found the box cutter and “had at them” and.. it worked! So… I began cutting the rolls down to “mats”. When I saw that it worked, I went and got the “trailer” and pulled it into the garden. Yes, it was difficult. Yes, it was almost sort of painful. Yes, it made breathing almost impossible. But I DID IT!
•Jacquie came back at about 19.30 and when she saw that the trailer was in the garden and some of the tarps were already in there she asked “BY YOUR-SELF?!?” I replied “I’ve been in Franklin for almost 3 years. Have you EVER seen ANYBODY work with me?” She walked away into the house.
•At about 20.30 I came into the house and Jacquie prepared mixed vegetables (which she burned because she was on the phone, but she savaged the un-burnt portion for dinner), curried rice and talapia filets.
•Tonight, as Jacquie and I were having dinner (about 20.45 or later) Bob came over, schmooze, sounding drunk or exhausted. He wouldn’t come into the house because he had a cigar but Jacquie bade him come in and so, he did. I gave him my “butt jar” in lieu of an ash-tray and he sat at table as I finished (QUICKLY) eating my dinner. I was NOT about to forfeit my food simply because he was here. So he thanked Jacquie for coming to the wake and such shit and when they’d done he asked me to step out-side because he had something he wanted to ask me. Yes… he ASKED ME ABOUT THE FUNERAL HOME NOT OPENING LYLE’S COFFIN WHEN HE REQUESTED THEY DO SO AFTER EVERYBODY LEFT. The funeral director told him that he STRONGLY RECOMMENDED THAT THEY DON’T “because of the nature of the death, he (Lyle) doesn’t look like he did”. Bob wanted to know: “BECAUSE OF THE FLUID RETENTION, COULD HE HAVE SPLIT OPEN?” I assured him that that probably wasn’t the issue but that he may have lost so much fluid that his body may have rather collapsed and wouldn’t look very attractive and that it’s best he not remember Lyle looking like that. Fine…
•He told me that Ms.P. will be leaving on Saturday. She’d said she’d leave on Friday if he preferred but he kowtowed.
•Bruce left this morning… didn’t even stay for the wake. (I’d seen him twice, walking Dixie and the mutt. I think it was on Monday when I was out front of Jacquie’s and he waved. I feigned not seeing him. The second time was yesterday, when he walked by and I was in the yard.)
•Jacquie tells me that she was chatting with a woman who’s husband was a mail carrier for some 20 years and for some of that time before he retired, he worked with Cindy Shedrick. The woman told Jacquie that she and her husband would both like to see Shedrick dead! “And these are church-going Catholics!” says Jacquie. WELL! As I told her… Jacquie: People here don’t know me well at all, but they SHOULD know by now that I don’t speak ill of people simply to do so and that nobody wants to believe me when I tell them what a qunt Shedrick is. (I didn’t say “qunt” but… anyway… she blew me off. Honestly, these people do NOT want to hear facts nor truths. Wrapped in their own little delusions. Let them stay there.)
•Jacquie brought bags of fertiliser and such back and so, even after all the hauling and lifting, digging and cutting, before getting any rest tonight, there was MORE lifting and hauling to be done. Oh well… I got the 5 bags out of the truck and into the greenhouse. Why? So that I didn’t have to hear about them. Truly.

Thu.19.May:
*** MOURNING DOVE IN MAPLE TREE THIS EVENING WITH A FRIEND ***
•Lyle’s burial at 11.00
•Woke at 5.45 and was out the door by 6.00 and attacked the remaining 4 “rolls” of tarp in the garden… AND… THEY’RE DONE! All gone by about 9.00 when I returned to the house for “coffee”. At about 7.00 or so, Jacquie called out:”What are you doing?” I replied “The work that somebody else should have done… as usual.” She simply crawled back into the house.
•Burt came by an offered to bring his tractor over to move the full trailer. Ah… HE DID IT! Pulled the tractor into the garden, WE hitched the trailer and as I pulled the garden gate a bit wider, he drove to the front of the garage and there rests the trailer, FULL of “mats” of sod and plastic… Now… I just wonder how fucking long it will take to get the shit out and away. But I already know the whining will begin on Sunday: “That has to get to the trash.” and such. But you know? Fuck ALL of this shit here. As I said this morning when Jacquie called out… I’m doing the work others should be doing. That’s the way it’s been since I got to Vermont. It will always be that way.
•I cleaned round the raspberries at the end of the Highgate St. drive-way. Moved the mulch to the greenhouse.
•Planted geraniums and petunias in front of Jacquie’s.
•Bob and their Eric strolled by. en route to burial, chit-chatty and continued.
•FINALLY GOT TO MAKE MY WASH AND SHOWER THIS EVNING!!! IT’S BEEN SIX (6) DAYS OF LIVNG AND SLEEPING IN FILTHY JEANS AND T-SHIRT… IN SPITE OF ALL THE WORK I’VE BEEN DOING, IVE JUST BEEN GETTING INTO THE SLEEPING BAG! FILTHY! NOW, IF THIS ISN’T HOMELESS!!!!!

Fri.20.May: THE MOURNING DOVE WAS ON THE HIGHGATE STREET PHONE WIRE THIS MORNING.
11.08 Sitting at Jacquie’s kitchen table, having just come in from trimming the raspberry bushes at the Highgate St. entrance. I seem to have a touch of diarrhoea this morning. Gee… I wonder why. I wanted to truly “sleep-in” this morning but Hallie decided that 6.00 was quite late enough. I haven’t “done” anything all morning, save the trimming. It’s another warm and clear day too. But I noticed: there’s no place to simply sit and relax in these yards. Nobody seems to “enjoy” their property… never mind, “work” on it. Speaking of which… the lawn at 5225 needs mowing… I’m not even thinking about it before Sunday… IF then. – Anyway… this Journal is sorely in need of additions. I haven’t touched it since Sunday… so let’s see how much of this shit… this HOMELESS shit I can recall. I had that planned for today anyway. – 14.18 WELL! Rather interesting: I just woke from a 2-HOUR NAP! Laid on the recliner here, at Jacquie’s, not feeling too well (guts burbbling) and dozed off… for 2 HOURS! It’s not that I haven’t worked for it, but… And had a grilled cheese. – What worries me today is that I have NO idea what happened on Monday! I HAVE to remember! A day… lost. – 15.24 Well, shit is down and done and recorded and probably not all in the proper order but it’s here. The “jumble” is recorded with • bullets. I don’t and really can’t give a shit one way or anther if it’s in proper order. But its there. I’ll have to remember to get the photos in here too. Speaking of which, I have a shit-load of photos that have to be sorted and such for the new “blog résumé”! Oh well. I didn’t accomplish ALL that I’d intended today but… it’s been a beautiful day out there. I think I’ll do a little roe gardening… weeding the peonies on the North side of the house. I can shower and wash later again. – Looks like Bob and his qunt are out. I don’t DARE go near that place though… no matter what. The lawn here could use a mowing… The lawn at 5225 could use a mowing too but I’m not going NEAR that until Sunday at the earliest… and the forecast for Sunday? A bit of rain! So? So… It’ll get done when it gets done… Tough shit! – 19.18 TEEHEE! I’m sitting in the living-room here, at Jacquie’s when I hear from the back door “NURSE!” Bob came over, said he needed to get out of the house. We walked over to the cemetery. Interesting how they did the burial: sliced the turf so that it’s not visible that there was a grave dug. Anyway, he talked about having gone with Ms.Krotchrot looking for lawn mowers. Suspicion is that Curtis will no longer do the lawn at 5225. TEEHEE! So I said he should make a deal with Jacquie about paying gas and that I can do the lawn (for a while… but I didn’t say that). He thought that a good idea. Meanwhile, he asked me what I thought of bringing Gary and David into the house. He needs the income, will give them his room and he’ll move to the “media room” which is adjacent to “mine”. Oh well, only for a spot which can be made relatively sound-proofed in case of need. Anyway, how nice to be asked? It doesn’t matter to me just so long as I get the fuck out of the re. Still, Gary watches TV (cartoons) and David plays video games, neither works so they’ll be in the house 24/7. THAT much bothers me a bit but… as I say: I’ve got TWO “outs” options and am open to either. – For now, the sun is setting. I managed to “weed” the row of peonies along the drive here today. A day of not much work and tomorrow… NONE. – I’ve had the trots for most of the day. Bob had to run into la cage because of same. I tend to wonder when that happens: is there something in the water? – Meanwhile, there are 2 cars at Jes andKerry’s. I wonder if they’re both at home and will they or Jes come by tomorrow. I believe Jes is expected to till. I doubt he will but… – I’m heading to the front porch. I haven’t listened to music in over a week and if the black flies aren’t bad, I’ll have a “T-Tea” and relax. – Tonight should be my last night here. It won’t be. I know that much because I’ll stay tomorrow as well. Hopefully I’ll be able to get a FULL night of sleep tonight!!!! – 21.43 Jacquie’s. Bed. Exhausted. And yet never feeling quite “right” about going to bed here. But I’m on the bed, in jeans and t-shirt and ready for sleep. – The little dove has a companion. There are 2 of them in the maple tree. That gives me a bit of comfort. May they become true “Friends”. – Message to Jacquie tonight was to the points. She’s making excuses for the situation there: maybe Bob was so taken by grief that he didn’t pay any attention. Honestly… she’s aware of his coming to me to “apologise” and doing nothing. She might be “Conservative Republican” by politics but she’s pure “Socialist” in her thinking… “Christian”. Well… I have to figure my escape from here… one way or another. – Now… time to try for some sleep. Hopefully until at least 7.00 tomorrow. This “Homelessness” and disconnect from my regular soc.med. has worn me down and out. – That “halo” on the left eye came back today. I wonder what it is. And my right eye feels “puffed” now. – I did take time to sit on the front porch and have my “T-Tea” and listen to a bit of music. The iPod had worn the battery down though. It’s charging in the kitchen. – Oh well… – OH! This evening, poor Dixie came to the fence when she saw me at the back door! I could only whisper to her since Ms. Twatrot was there. I miss Ms. Dixie-roo! It will be SO GOOD to see her again… on Sunday. Fuck these shit people. Truly. I just want “away” from them ALL! – Time for some sleep. Ah… but at 21.51 there’s stomping and such up-stairs. Even in this house… there is no peace. And to think: Jacquie suggested that I come to stay here? I shouldn’t think so. SHE can tolerate it. I cannot. She needs to find a better calibre of tenant… so too, say others.

Sat.21.May: 9.32 *** THE LITTLE MOURNING DOVE IS IN THE MAPLE WITH A COMPANION AGAIN THIS MORNING. *** As much as I wish it would find a place to call “home”, protection from the elements, it does my heart good to see that it’s still alive and well. And, in case of storm, there’s the porch on the house. – Still at Jacquie’s this morning. Woke at about 7.00, got Hallie’s breakfast, my smoke then coffee AND A SHOWER! What a delight on a Shabbat morning. And now, after soc.med. and such, am having another tap-water coffee in my glass mug and relaxing in the COLD in the house. Out-side is warmish but this house will NOT warm up! Oh well. – This morning I head car doors slamming over at 5225. Ms. Twatrot is supposed to be leaving at some point today. I doubt it will. Anything to prolong my exile. I can’t help but think: Lyle and Bob were kept away from “THEIR HOME” for 3 weeks and THAT was atrocious. But to keep ME from MY room is perfectly fine. Although Jacquie has been quite that salvation through this week, I can’t understand nor accept that these people feel that this is perfectly acceptable. Oh well. I COULD ring the police. But the truth is: There’s no sense in bothering. – I also think of Bob wanting to bring in Gary and David… 2 who won’t “do” anything round the house, save put money in his pocket which he’ll probably spend frivolously. Well… – There’s been no word from Vincent. Today was the day he’d planned to come up and we were to get together. No, the Subaru won’t make the trip to Plattsburgh today, but even a Skype or something… some word that he’s still considering me. I won’t make it through this Summer if this falls through. Perhaps this is my “message”: Time to get the actual fuck out of here… on my own. – If I’m not at 5225, lawns won’t get mowed and property will fall to shit again… return to shit. Not my concern. And I have to laugh when I think that Curtis refuses to mow now. Serves well. Serves right. – I’m wondering if/when Ms. Kerry will come by to “take Hallie for a walk” or… (I have to chuckle) Jes will come to till the garden. Me? I’ll do nothing today… my Shabbat. – Off to sort through images for the new “Woodhauler” blog. It’s a bit on the semi-over-cast out-side and possible “orages” for tomorrow. I can hope for deluge! – 15.30 JUST UP FROM ANOTHER 2-HOUR NAP! I’m beginning to wonder why I can do that: lay down and SLEEP actually SLEEP for 2 hours. And wake? Still exhausted! – BUT THE INTERESTING NOTE: I GOT UP, PUT UP A TEA AND TOOK HALLIE OUT FOR A ‘MOKE AND… I CHECKED THE 5225 YARD: Ms. TWATROT’S CAR IS GONE! SO HALLIE AND I STROLLED TO THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE TO FIND BOB AND DIXIE OUT! POOR DIXIE CAME RUNNING OVER TO ME AND UP FOR HUGS AND SUCH KISSES! IT WAS HEART-BREAKING FOR ME. BOB SAYS HER LITTLE LEGS ARE YELLOW BECAUSE HE’D TAKEN HER OUT TO PLAY FISBEE IN THE DANDELIONS! SAID Ms. TWATROT TRIED TO WIPE THE YELLOW OFF BUT IT WON’T COME OFF. AH… BUT SOME “LARGE” GUY PULLED UP, PARKED IN FRONT OF THE PHONE COMPANY AND IT WAS TIME FOR THEM TO GO INTO THE HOUSE. HMMMM…. NO MENTION OF COMING BACK TO 5225? LOKS LIKE I’LL BE HAVING TO PHONE THE POLICE NOW? I WAS TOLD SHE’D BE GONE TODAY. IF THIS ISN’T THE CASE, THERE’LL BE POLICE AT THAT ADDRESS YET AGAIN. HEY! IT WAS OK FOR THE FREAK.. PERHAPS THAT WAS MY LESSON TO LEARN? BUT THE TIMING: I JUST HAPPENED TO BE OUT THERE AT THE VERY RIGHT TIME. “KARMA”… ISN’T IT AMAZING HOW “TIMING” GETS ME TO WHERE I SHOULD BE WHEN I SHOULD BE THERE TO LEARN MY “ENEMIES”. AND INDEED… THERE’S ANOTHER ONE: BOB. This is all to “telling”. – Jes came by at about 11.00 this morning. But we can’t find the key for the tiller. There are 3 copies and none of them to be found in the house. He wanted to till his garden and was going to come back to do Jacquie’s. Well… Ms. Jacquie, it looks like you lose here because… Nobody’s going to get to your garden until… well, as Jes’s time seems, 2 weeks from now, which will put you into June. I can’t be so bothered. – So, when I told Jes about cutting up the tarps in the garden and moving the trailer alone, he immediately said “You need to stop that! We’re not as young as we used to be! I know, because that’s something I’d do! And neither of us should be doing all that.” AND, he tells me that when he put the shrubs in front of their house… HE TOO was told that he’s making others in town look bad! Well! That tells ME just about all I need to know round here. – Meanwhile… meanwhile… I rest… snooze… doze… I grabbed TWO of those “Emergen-C” vitamin packettes and had them together. The instructions say not to take more than one so here’s to seeing what kind of “energy” I suddenly come up with. It might be good to not be so damned tired! –

Sun.22.May: 7.02 Wash in the washer, Hallie fed, Mme.B-N fed, ‘moke and coffee and PAIN IN THE LEFT SIDE OF MY CHEST THAT IS NOT TO BE BELIEVED! I slept on the recliner last night and may have “crunched” something there. But it was bad enough to spin the world a bit when I took Hallie out for “business” and it’s still rather painful. – Woke just before the 6.00 alarm this morning. Managed to “do” nothing yesterday. – Jes came for the tiller but couldn’t find the key and I sent Jacquie some messages and the last I received from her was that it had been in the ignition from since last Summer when Lola used it and now, it got used once and.. the key’s gone. Hey! Good thing *I* didn’t use it. Well… this is what happens when irresponsible people all gather … I’ve said it all along: It’s like being round a bunch of brat kids… nobody takes responsibility for anything. Things get misplaced… and lost. And these are supposedly “adults”. Alas. Not my monkeys… Not my circus. – But this morning this chest pain has me rather concerned. Difficult breathing too. Well, at least the skies are over-cast… no lawn-mowing today. Fukkemall. Especially 5225. THAT had “company” for as long as I know. The fellow’s car was gone at 6.15 this morning but still… and as I sat out with Hallie and Mme. I saw Bob go to the shed for something (trash?…. in more ways than one?). I’d planned on staying at Jacquie’s last night anyway, but to not even say that it was fine to go back to the room… yesterday? We live. We learn. And we’ll not worry about “somebody else’s property”. Let’s see how NY turns out… if I manage to survive long enough. (If not, I still have until August to get to Québec and the wilderness…. and my BDM.) – Another day… another day. Time to get the floors cleaned and this place “together”. Ms. Jacquie could be back any time now… as early as 10.00… as late as… July, the way she goes. And I have my totes to gather together. – 20.37 IN BED AT 5225!!! First time in NINE NIGHTS! AND I’M SHOWERED! THE PAIN IN THE CHEST HAS BEEN EXCRUTIATING ALL DAY!!! I’m wondering if it’s from the bad tooth or is it a clot. Oh well, what-ever. – I left Jacquie’s at noon and came to 5225 to bring my things. Bob’s friend was here (he’s from down by Montpelier!) with his black Lab… “Sascha”. The dog’s sweet. The fellow was quite nice as well. Another “hefty” but very nice indeed. As I’m to understand, he didn’t stay the night last night. Didn’t bring the dog with him so he left at about 21.30 or so. But this morning was interesting: Saw Bob this morning at the fence. “You didn’t come home last night.” said he. “You had company.” said I. “That didn’t matter.” said he. “Oh well… “ said I. And we left it at that. I was in too much pain to begin with and not feeling generally well at all. So I went back to the house. – Ah… but… THE MOURNING DOVE WAS STILL IN THE MAPLE TREE THIS MORNING! ALONE. POOR LITTLE THING. I wonder why it’s there… Lyle? An “omen” to me? Considering the chest pain. I will NOT die in this state! I WILL NOT! – And so, as I say, I left Jacquie’s at noon, brought my things to the room which feels large and empty for some reason. The entire house feels “empty” too. Strange, but I thought today how much it’s like when Lyle would go to hospital but this time, he won’t be coming back. It doesn’t seem possible! So I dropped my things off in the room and headed out to the front of the house to cut out the grass on either side of the front steps, mostly to make mowing easier for me… and then… I MOWED THE FRONT WITH THE REEL AND… THEN WENT TO JACQUIE’S FOR THE REGULAR MOWER AND MOWED FROM FRONT TO THE BACK BEHIND THE RHUBARB! IT DIDN’T RAIN… I MOWED! Well… at least I did it, it’s done and there was a witness. It didn’t take me but maybe under an hour! DONE! And my “lines” are almost perfectly straight! Ah… such a pro! – By the time I’d done, I was DRENCHED with sweat. I went to the store to get tonic, for my legs and some bread, PopTarts (which I’m not in the mood for now), cheese, and the sweat POURED down my face and into my eyes so that the first time I entered my “code” I made a mistake! I was in PAIN and SWEATING! But the lawn’s done, the property looks good. – That done, I went to get Ms. Hallie out. Jacquie hadn’t returned yet. So I brought Hallie to the front porch to have a ‘moke and whilst there, Jacquie finally returned! Lunching and such in BTV with Jes, Kerry and Kerry’s sisters. How charming. Anyway, she addressed the issue of the key for the tiller, agreeing that Jes was the last to have it. She’s not very happy that she can’t get to planting. And the plants in the greenhouse are about ready. Tsk. So we had a beer and some cheese and crackers (my food intake for the day…) and when done, at about 19.00, I left to come to 5225. – The friend was just getting ready to leave and I headed for the shower. THAT FELT SO GOOD! I SCRUBBED! – I also noticed that Ms.P. didn’t do such a great job at cleaning in there. There’s still dust on the little chest over the commode! WHAT-ever! – And so now, Bob’s in bed, I’m in bed. The sun is down (20.59) and things are… “normal”. – Bob said he’d fed Dixie in the morning. Me? I’ll have to make me busy. Tomorrow… hair-cut, nails and such. Utilise the house as much as I can. – But tonight I have to admit: I’m nervous about going to sleep. This chest pain troubles me. I do NOT want to die in Vermont! I WANT to get back to New York! – OH…. I went to the post office today… and there… my “SOCIAL SECURITY” statement! IF I “retire” at age 66 and 2 months, I’ll collect 1300$/mo. If I “retire” at age 62 I’ll collect 977$/month. The statement bothered me so much because they went back to 1972 and listed my annual income. 2 years there had “0” but there were times when I made 42.000$! and then dropped to 5.000 and such. I HAD good years… They’re gone… So too… my “life”. – Well… a bit of soc.med. and get the photos off the phone. There are MANY to include in this journal. – Here’s hoping that being on this bed will bring good sleep and a healthy morning… “Hope”… I’m such a total shit-head.

Mon.23.May: 6.01 The sun is pouring in through the windows this morning, I’m up from morning smoke. Fresh water in bottles and kettle and coffee as usual. And the house is empty, save Dixie and I. And I’ve got the pair of black Scheplers’ discovered yesterday. 10 days’ worth waiting to be dumped and no particular rush. And the chest pain? Only remnants this morning. – Last night was a bit difficult. Comfortable to be back in a familiar bed, but the pain was in the chest and up the neck. Oh well. today is another day. – 9.55 HAIR CUT AND BEARD TRIM! DONE!!! – And at 8.15 I took a “45-min”. rest. – The sun is bright and hot and the day is heating up. And away… I go! Photos. Blog-work and such. – 19.07 and it’s just Dixie and I at la cage. – I got 3 pops on the boots during the day and started the “Woodhauler” blog. I still don’t really like it but it’s begun. THEN, at about 15.00, Dixie and I went out-side and I cleaned-up the “pine garden” of weeds, with the small “claw” tool and then clipped the chicken wire from under the back stoop so that I could put it round the “pine garden”. Poor Dixie gets in there and gets caught on the bleeding hearts and pulls them apart. So now… hopefully, no more getting stuck. I clipped the old TV antenna in the barn for stakes so they don’t show so much. As I was finishing, I went to the store for smokes (I’m down to enough cash for another pack… up to half a pack a day of late… not good… financially) and 2 “T-Teas”. As I was sitting, listening to music, Jacquie came to the fence to say “Come on over for dinner.” I dodged. I THINK dinner is a t Jes & Kerry’s this evening. I don’t want to go. Besides, I’m in jammies and on the bed already. It’s still day-light, but… I don’t want to socialise. – Jacquie’s lawn is mowed. I saw her Kailah mowing and then… THEN… Kailah’s Michael using the push mower… the black one… thankfully. The Subaru was in the way but… fuck them. I’ll bring it to behind the barn tomorrow… or when I can. Anyway, the timing was such that I was going to offer to mow the lawn to earn the white mower… for me. But… we shall see. I’ve NO doubnt that the comment will be made on how lovely Kailah did on the lawn… since “she” mows it closer. Hey! Not my fault the push mower doesn’t mow lower. Anyway… – 19.16 Bob’s just coming in… on the phone. – Me, I’m SHOWERED AND ON THE BED!!! MY day is done… no doubt, his is too… or will be shortly. – And Dixie just ate her BREAKFAST at about 19.00. – I SO want to get back to NY.

Tue.24.May: 5.45 Up and coffee and smoke and the day rolls. Another day. Another pain. The left side of the face. The tooth. The jaw. One of these days…. – I woke as Bob was leaving for work. – Last night, his car alarm went off a several times. I wonder what that was all about. – Oh, and I slept with the door to the room open. Odd, that. Never did that before, in all the time I’ve been here. – Of note: last evening he was on the phone talking about spending something and mentioned “I don’t think she’ll help me out anymore.” I presume he meant Ms.P. and her constantly sending money. I wonder how much she actually sent over the years. None of my business, that. And the bit about bringing Gary and David into the house. David (the younger), ate the place clean on that week-end they were here. And he mentioned that they don’t have a car and wondered how they’d get to the market to buy food and how they’d get to their other appointments (they’re both on disability). So? I shouldn’t think they’ll be coming in. I’ll have to be rather diligent about looking at Crgslst to see if there’s a posting for somebody. With the calibre of “folk” I’ve encountered in this state since coming here, I tend to worry. But then again… the calibre follows through… almost across the board. – Well, a good start to a day: early. The sun is coming into the window and there’s a Woodhauler blog to work on so.. AWAY WE GO! – 22.43 LATE! Showered. In bed. Spent most of the morning getting “Woodhauler” together, trying to make the WP blog look more “personal”. It’s not bad. Not perfect yet and a LOT of work… more than hard-coding. But it’s on the road and the run. – Did precious little gardening in the back this after-noon and moved one solar lite from the back of the barn to the front. Then a salmon/rice dinner with Jacquie and 2 beers. She wants to plant corn tomorrow. – Got back to la cage at about 20.30. Bob was in bed. We chatted. Seems the fellow with the black lab is potential for “room-mate” but Bob said it might be a couple of months. He’s concerned that folks will talk if somebody moves in too soon. Nice.. Considerate(?). – The place will be busy over the week-end. The 2 from NEK will be here… WITH ELLIE! From Friday-Monday. And the guy with the lab Sat-Sun. Looks like I’ll be finding peace at Jacquie’s AGAIN! But NOT unless I MUST! Fukdatshit. No more “9 days” shit! – On other note: My chest is painful again tonight. This is worrying me. I have to get back to NY. – Well… it’s late and I’m rather exhausted. Quick browse on the soc.med and… LIGHTS OUT! – It’s hot in this room tonight. The heat is “on”… Summer. ICK!

Wed.25.May: 7.29 Heard the alarms. Went back to sleep. Well. Didn’t get to sleep until almost mid-night last night. Had a SNAP DREAM: Jacquie handed me a 20 and then said that it was in addition to taking care of Hallie. That was the end of it. – Dixie’s so almost lethargic this morning. I’m hoping it’s just because of the heat, and it’s HOT already this morning! – * Last night, chatting with Bob, he told me that the “Antiques” guy came by to buy more furniture. And that he’s (Bob) going to buy 2 kayaks at 400$. OK then. He’s also thinking that he’ll he collecting some of Lyle’s “Soc.Sec.” benefits. And… this place is going to be loaded with people come the week-end. So much for the proper mourning. Oh well… none of my business. – And this morning, I’m concerned about Vincent and NY. – Well, there’s MUCH to do on the “Woodhauler” and yard work and the likes. So… time to get the morning rolling… and see whether or not I “live” through this day… right then. – 20.15 Out of cash and one pack of smokes. And a rather busy and accomplished day. – Got a new “theme” on the “Woodhauler” and it looks good. Not the way I’d code it but “good enough”. Then, at about 11.30 out the door with m’Dixie and cleaned the front flower-bed. As I was finishing, Gina came by to deliver the mail. She held her had out of the window, 3 envelopes I saw, and sarcastically said “HellOH!” I said “It’s not mine.” She replied “Then yer not gettin’ any.” and drove off! WELL! (I still have to report this shit to the PO… this and the lie about the “gesture” she told Shedrick I’d made toward her.) – That done, I headed to the back and cleaned the shed area AND… went to the brook and potted a large fern in one of the plastic containers from the lilacs from Jacquie to put in there. (I want to get another one but….) – Bob actually offered macaroni in sauce. Well, he said there was “a lot” of it in the fridge. I thanked. Had the last tin of “Spaghetti-O’s” with a small bag of crisps for my “meal”. – Jacquie had said that her Maryrose was to be gone by 15.00. She wasn’t. But at about 16.45 or so she left a voice message. Something about calling somebody who goes to the market to sell but doesn’t grow enough of her own vegetables so she’d buy what we grow and had left over… BUT… I’M EXPECTED TO DO ALL THE WORK AGAIN THIS SEASON AND I DON’T SEE ME DOING THAT AGAIN! ESPECIALLY SINCE I’LL BE DOING THE WORK AND EVERYBODY ELSE WILL BE DOING THE EATING… ESP. THE TWAT-TENANT RENTERS AT JACQUIE’S. OH HELL NO! IT EITHER BECOMES A “COMMUNITY” RESPONSIBILITY OR… HELL! I’VE GOT MORE THAN ENOUGH TO KEEP ME BUSY ROUND HERE! AND I NEED TO SLOW DOWN! Even the little bit I did today has me exhausted now. – Anyway, Dixie got a whole day out of the house and she’s a bit better than she’s been. (I dread the week-end with Ellie coming back… and then leaving again. Poor Dixie.) – And so, I’m showered, in bed and will compose my bitch to the USPS and see about getting it off to them this evening. Then? Hopefully, a full night of “good” rest! Tomorrow, Ms. Jacquie goes back to work… I get to do laundry! I dread the thought of what that house looks like! OH! And when she leaves… I get to mow the lawn! (Truth is: I’m getting the place together because of the company coming. Let ANYBODY say ANYTHING negative about me. I’ll invite them to enquire at the store, the car dealer and about town.)

Thu.26.May: 5.46 A “Not so good” sort of morning. Feeling quite week and wanting to get back into bed and sleep. But… there’s much I want to accomplish today and much that I truly should. Laundry. Lawn. Straighten this room out. The corner with the little “desk” is a trash-pile. Reminded me of “Charles”, from the Shelter, first thing when I looked at it. And it’s supposed to be HOT today too. Oh well… we’ll take it as it rolls along. – I’m still miffed about the “work” on the garden at Jacquie’s too. To think that it’s taken for granted that I’ll be the one to do all the work. Yes… there’s to be the excuse “I don’t have the time.” And then then raiding, I’m sure, when the twats grab and run… just as it happened last season. I’m not looking forward to that. – Anyway.. time to get serious about “Woodhauler” on the blog. – 20.56 IN BED AT LAST! – GOT THE “BACK BARN” POSTED TO WOODHAULER THIS MORNING! YAY! – Out by about noon, stopped at Jacquie’s. Had a LITTLE “lunch” and she was all about her next road trip, planting the garden (expecting ME to do ALL of the work), AND AT THE VERY LAST MINUTE MENTIONED THAT THERE WAS NO MORE GAS FOR THE MOWERS! BETWEEN JES AND THE TWATS THEY WENT THROUGH 5 GALLONS (save the little I used to mow 5225 4 days ago)!!! So she grabbed the gas cans and I came to la cage and began mowing from the front to the back porch and JUST COULDN’T mow the grass with the reel!!!! BUT, in the time it took me to get back to la cage, Jacquie was GONE! (It was about 14.30.) So… I went over, checked the gas in the white mower. LOW! Thankfully, Cecil had a pump-siphon… I EMPTIED the black mower, the ride-on mower and 2 tillers into a small gas can, filled the mower and came back to la cage… TO MOW THE LAWN! IT WAS INCREDIBLE! IN ONLY 4 DAYS THE GRASS IS TALL AND THICK AND IT TOOK FOREVER TO MOW! BUT… IT’S DONE! TO THE RHUBARB. Why? So that the property looks neat and attended when the “company” (I’m being exceptionally polite) arrives on the week-end. NEVER let it be said that I do “Nothing” around this fucking place. –
***** B.U.T…. BECAUSE Ms.JACQUIE JUST COULDN’T SEE HER-SELF TO LEAVE ME ANY MONEY FOR ANYTHING… I HAD TO BORROW 7$ FROM BOB FOR SMOKES! HE WAS SO KIND ABOUT IT AND HAD TO GO TO THE CAR FOR CHANGE TO MAKE THE 7$!!! Well… since Ms.J. didn’t bother to leave money, I took the liberty of taking TWO cans of “Rolling Rock” (which she buys for Jes). Had one, cold, when the lawn was done and I’ve got the other with me with my T-Tea. Fuck it all! I don’t give a shit anymore. Truly, I’ve had it with this town and that “Christian” and all the bull-shit. Tomorrow, I’ll bring my wash over there as usual and make certain I get that done this week-end!!! – Now then, Bob got his 2 kayaks today and says he’ll be out by about 4.00 tomorrow to take one (or both) out to “The Swamp” in Fairfield. Good for him. Me? I’ll be out trimming the grass round the barn and such. MUST make the place look “pretty for company”. – Well… it’s now 21.08. I’m not bothering to send a “Report” to Ms.J. this evening. I’m tired. Will check the soc.med. and e-mails and try to get to sleep. Feeling a bit achy in the back, legs and chest… and chest. But I WILL NOT DIE IN VERMONT!!!

Fri.27.May: 5.35 And I woke before the alarms to… HEAT! HUMIDITY! ANDHAZY SKIES. SUMMER. And the first thought of the day: Gina Richards, the carrier. Not delivering the mail on Wed. because, claims she, “the box was obstructed by a 5gal. bucket. Spoke to me in a nasty tone “HelOH!” and expecting ME to take Bob’s mail. She just drove off. Ah… SHE violated Postal protocol. But I’m expected to accept that? Not! And certainly not in THIS town! – But there are other things, chores that need be done. Woodhauler and getting this journal from the Word doc. to the blog. Not to mention, laundry and such. Oh well… TODAY IS WHAT-EVER I WANT IT TO BE. – 20.03 In bed at last! TWO dogs in the house tonight. “Gordon”, Bob’s new beau, came this evening with “Sascha”, his black Lab. They no sooner got here when Bob announced they were off to Plattsburgh. Bob needs new sneakers. That was at about 16.00. Gordon put Sascha into a kennel in the “computer room” down-stairs and they left… ME… with the dogs. How nice. But I took advantage of the situation, showered, brushed my teeth, changed the band on the bottom teeth and went to the store for food for tonight and tomorrow. Then to Jacquie’sHE w to feed Ms. Hallie and have my dinner… watch TV and wash my “work” clothes. ALL is clean tonight! – Meanwhile… today… the temperature went up to at least 35-DAMNED-FUCKING-DEGREES!!! HOTTER THAN HELL! ALL DAY! NO RAIN!!! No clouds either. But I got almost ALL of the barn on “Woodhauler” this morning and headed to Hallie at about 10.00. Then came back to la cage to claw/rake the bleeding hearts, then trimmed round the gardens and barn and “Daisy’s Garden” and such with the hand clippers. Then it was off to walk to the cemetery to get the little azaleas that the fucking Mass-hole left over there to die. Got them on time, I think. Planted them in front of the house… with a bit of “Miracle Grow” in the water. It was “All Day”… and slow. – Sent a note to Jacquie about being in pain from mowing with the reel mower. “You should have used the mower until it stopped.” and “Sorry about the gas.” Well, she’s about to be even more sorry about the house because it won’t be cleaned when she returns. – If it wasn’t for the fire-pit being used this week-end, Bob having his “Mourning Bash” no doubt, I’d bring the Subaru over. I’m ever so always so fucked. – Well… I’m hoping for some peace and quiet through the night tonight at least. I’m not expecting any though. – Even now, I’ve got the fan on and it’s miserable. – I so dreaded this… the heat… and still being in this place.

Sat.28.May: 6.19 The house is empty. Bob and his Gordon, Dixie and Gordon’s Sascha… gone. Must be at the “Fairfield Swamp”… kayaking. How charming. And as for the “room-mate” in “4-6 months” and becoming the talk of the town? Right. Sure. So much for the “mourning”. I can understand picking-up the pieces and moving along but… – They didn’t get back in until 22.55 with only but a little noise. I must give that much credit. Still, I put in the ear-plugs. I’d just gotten to lights-out at about 22.00… fan on, laying on top of the sheet. It wasn’t much after they’d returned when, through closed eyes, I saw the bright light come into the room. Somebody quietly opened the door to the room! WELL! The “Freak” returns. Will I now have to make sure that something blocks the door? Can I trust that the room won’t be ransacked whilst I’m out of the house? Bad enough Bob brought that “Antique” fellow in and HE went through the room! And this morning, since I haven’t heard a word from “Vincent”, my anxieties are on the increase… I WILL NOT SURVIVE BEING STUCK HERE MUCH LONGER! – Oh well… ’tis another day. In a bit, I’ll have to mosey over to Ms. Hallie…. There’s more work to be done on “Woodhauler”… And we begin… again… fuck. – There’s that pain in the left side of the chest again this morning too. I don’t want to know. – 20.55 IN bed after quite a day of “Woodhauler”! The barn photos are on and a lot more. There isn’t much left to post, but I’m running out of ideas on how to post the few that remain. – Jacquie’s house is still a mess and it’s going to stay that way. Me, I’m thinking it wasn’t important for her to leave a couple of bucks as she usually would, so it’s not important for me to clean. I took care of Hallie, including going under the TV console to get her balls. So? So. – Meanwhile, the house is rather “full”. Gordon is still here with Sascha, the guys from NEK came and brought Ellie. SHE’S changed! She’s got a wonderful little personality now. Sweet thing. But it’s about THREE dogs in the house! They all get along ever so well and are truly well-behaved. But they’re all barking when I come in. And that’s back to the way it was. – So too… tonight, the TV is on, Bob is “messing” with Gordon and there’s girlie chitty-chat in the hall. Well… it’s their “holiday”. – They all had BBQ for dinner this evening at about 18.00 and were seated, eating when I left to feed Hallie at about 18.15. Bob heard me go out the front door (so I didn’t pass through the kitchen) and asked if I was hungry. “No. But Hallie is.” I called back… and left. (Last night I had 2 small pizzas and some ice cream. Tonight I had 2 pot pies and finished the little bit of ice cream. I’ve replaced the ice cream already.) But I DO have to comment:: the BBQ grill was covered in bird shit and I didn’t clean it. So too a chair out there. So somebody had to clean the grill before cooking. Who? I j’m en câlisse. Not my circus. – Other than that, I’ve sent the “report” to Ms. Jacquie. (I’m still in pain… and will remain so for the week-coming.) The sun is down and the heat is still up. The fan is running. – OH! This after-noon, Bob was explaining my “bout” with the freak when I punched him… 3 years ago. Too funny… setting “ground rules” already. AND, he (Bob) commented to me that he’s got the air conditioner on and if it gets too hot up in the room, I should come down to cool off. How charming. – And so… the day draws to an end. Having spent the day going through 3 years of photos of all the work I’ve done in this place is “telling”. At least it’s documented though… and on-line as my “back-up” where it can be seen by “all”. (I wonder if Jacquie will ever take the time to browse… I already know it makes no difference to anybody. Fukkem.) – I’ll be sending Vincent a message before Monday to see what’s what with him. I’m getting terribly nervous. Even to the point where my guts are churning. (That’s heat, nerves, anxieties and fatigue, to be sure.) – Ah… the volume on the TV seems to have gone down… no more “BoomBoom”. Or maybe they’re all going out to the fire-pit. The noise will follow later, I can be certain. – Now… a bit of soc.med. and perhaps ear-plugs and some AlevePM? AND… I’m going to block the door tonight. No more “Middle of the night FLASH!”. Bull-shit. – Time to close this date. I’m tired, a bit clammy, anxious… there’s a cool beer and some vodka… and I’m in the mood for neither. And I’m down to 7 smokes… and some tobacco and papers. FUCK!

Sun.29.May: 5.51 And yes, I’m up, had coffee, smoke. 20° already. And the house is still full… and silent. The doors to all the rooms are closed and who knows where all the dogs are. But it’s quiet. – And I’m heading back to finish “Woodhauler” already this morning. – 22.36 WELL! Interesting: I was listening to some Aretha Franklin and realising that another “connection” to my music and past is no gone… with Lyle having died… and feeling quite lost, alone and that it’s “my turn” too… I got up to go for my last ‘moke of the day and as I opened the door to the room…. BARKING! Bob and Gordon were in Bob (and Lyle’s) bed with Sascha and Dixie and Sascha started BARKING… LOUDLY! at me! HEY! IT’S CHICA AND RANDY ALL OVER AGAIN! BUT… HEY AGAIN… THIS IS WHAT IT’S GOING TO BE? FINE! I’M *NOT* LOCKING MYSELF INTO THIS ROOM LIKE I DID BEFORE. This was Lyle’s house… and Bob came in… then I came in… Lyle died and now Gordon comes? I should think not. I’ve put work into this hole… and I’ll be using my work to my benefit…. including going to the loo in the middle of the night, should I have to. – Odd how “life” managed to slap me out of a VERY heavy “heart-ache”. – As for the day? “Woodhauler” is running along ever so fine. – Hallie got a terribly brief “outing” at about 13.00 and at about 16.30 Ms. Jacquie sent word that she was back, thank me for taking care of Hallie and hoping to see me “later” (today). The “seeing” didn’t happen… I actually WAS quite busy with “Woodhauler”. – “Meal” for the day was a tin of penne in chicken broth. NOT filling at all. – AH BUT… I BROKE DOWN AND USED MY CIBC CARD AND GOT A PACK OF SMOKES!!! IT WORKED!!! – Bob and his Gordon stepped out at about 16.30 for what-ever reason and I went to the store for my pack of smokes and nothing else. Whilst there, the sky blackened and… RAIN! WIND! RAIN! AND MORE WIND! It didn’t last long but it managed to dump what should be “enough” water on things. Not “sufficient”, considering the heat of late. But enough for now. – And so, I have smokes… for a little while. – Then, when B&G came back, at about 18.30 or so, Bob came up to the room to tell of the weather they’d encountered when they went to St-Albans… AND he asked if I was hungry… there’s “KFC” in the fridge. (I declined… I’ll NOT be told about eating their food and such… and not “paying my way”!) – Anyway… as I say, “Woodhauler” is coming along quite nicely. A few more photos and it’s done… My labours (“travails”) here, will be recorded. I’ll do a “white page” or some coding to connect me to it in the back-ground. It’s MY work! – And I had the most fun on Twtr this evening too… 2 fellows from Florida… we all went back and forth about the “better” of the 2 states: NY and FL. But it was all in such great fun. Honestly… the calibre of people on Twtr is SO much better than fesses-book! – I’ve had the “Rolling Rock” I “borrowed” (earned?) from Jacquie and although it isn’t nearly enough, I hope it’ll help with some sleep tonight. – B&G are down in the kitchen (when the dogs barked it “disturbed” them… HAHAHAH!) but, thus far, the house is quiet enough. I have to say that, so far, he, Gordon, is, indeed, some-what (though not completely) considerate. – Tomorrow? Well… tonight’s still hot and humid in the house. Cool and humid out. Hopefully I’ll finish “Woodhauler” and MAYBE I’ll mosey over to Ms. Jacquie’s. ONLY if weather prohibits “gardening”. ONLY IF….

Mon.30.May: 6.19 Memorial Day. And another month slams to a close. Time is slipping by rapidly as the sun comes through the remnant clouds of yesterday’s rains. – The house is quiet. I’m up from my ‘moke to a 27° room. B&G are behind closed doors. I wonder when the “belongings” will begin coming in. It’s not for me to “judge”. – I’m not really looking forward to this day. There’s “work” lingering round the next clock-tick. But… I’m still breathing so there’s yet another day to deal with… The lawn appears to need another “trim” already. I think not. Thursday… evening… if then. – “Woodhauler” will get what I have to work with today and as photos change, I’ll adjust accordingly. It’s come along thus far. Just get it “done” at this point and move along. (Very much like almost everything else in “life”.) – My fingers are swollen again this morning. “The heat is on”. Summer… Either freeze uncomfortably or this. – 11.23 “They” took off at about 9.00 or so, leaving the dogs running freely in the house. Both dogs are well-behaved though. I can’t complain at all. But I note the fact that the “responsibility” is left to me… AGAIN! – I’ve been working on “Woodhauler” and have come to a puzzle: the table for “yard work” seems to be reading improperly. Images aren’t with-in the cells. I’ve shut-down and re-started… for a ‘moke break and will have to check back. – But a commentary on the “Memorial Day Parade” that went by moments ago: Sad… just terribly sad. It took all of about 5 minutes to pass by in its entirety and the participants show just how the “gene pool” in town is a mere damp stain. The “bands” (3) were… like something out of a comical film. And the locals had already established their places along the road well beyond 30 minutes before! The “parade” passed… and the spectators got up and followed… to where-ever it all disappeared to up the road. They’re meandering back down the road now. Sad. And done. As the sky clears, the sun shines and the heat returns. – I’m hungry… and can’t really say what for. And I’m tired… and can’t really say what from. And I’m not planning on a visit with Ms. Jacquie today. She’s got planting in her head… I don’t have ambition nor interest in my body. – 21.12 day with-out Jacquie and a LOT of work on “Woodhauler”! In fact… 5225 is DONE to-date! The pages for 5199 are up and in “template”, waiting for the photos. Tomorrow morning, I should have it ALL complete… and ready for the “current” photos and then? Send the link to Vincent (as my “CV”) and let others know. I can’t help but recall, repeatedly, how Jacquie makes the excuse for “others”… “S/he works.” Ah… as if I go from day to day like MOST “Vermonters”: Sitting about, getting stoned or drunk, waiting for my next “SSI” or “SSD” or general “Welfare” cheque to be posted to my account. Right then. Madame? My records are now available for the WORLD to see. As for YOU? “Work”? A job, yes. Responsibility for your home? You came back to a house that was in the same condition as you left it this week. Tough shit. I’m in no mood. – Meanwhile, the day: This morning, Jacquie had quite the crew over at the garden. I don’t know if it was for a “tour” or to give off parcels for “Community” gardening or “help” (I truly “LOL”) planting. I don’t know how many, nor how long they stayed. B&G had gone into St-Albans (Bob got a “Speeding Warning” from the State police…. never mind “responsibility”… driving Gordon’s car), the parade was done and I took the dogs out for a ‘moke when I saw the entourage at 5199. I had my ‘moke and we all came back into the house. It was beastly HOT again today and I wanted to get the new “blog” done. – I’ve noticed that B&G spend MUCH time in Bob’s room, with the door closed and today I discovered why: there’s a TV in there AND there’s a BRAND NEW AIR CONDITIONER IN THE WINDOW! TAH DAH! I hasten to add that, when they finally DID come out of the room to go to the kitchen to graze, Bob asked that, if I’m about tomorrow when UPS arrives to please take the parcel into the house… he’s ordered NEW SPEAKERS! Well then… LAH-DEE-DAH! We’ve gone VERY quickly from “We don’t have the money.” to 2 kayaks, new sneakers, trips to Plattsburgh, new air conditioner… and the house is being sold-off ever so rapidly. “Lyle said he didn’t want me to be alone.” Oh yes? And “I don’t want people seeing me with somebody ‘new’ right away because they’ll talk.” As if you give a shit. Hey, I might have had “something” that kept a distance between Lyle and I and I may have seen him as incredibly intolerable with his spoiled nonsense, but “Respect” is “Respect” and there’s been NONE. I continue my resolve from the very beginning: Bob needed to get out of town and the state after his divorce… he met Lyle… marriage was legal in VT… he married “old”… he got the house. Done deal. It worked out very well for him indeed. And now? This “Gordon” comes sashaying in with dog and such and there you have it… It’s not “rebound”… it’s “replacement”. It makes me ill… but I let it pass… as I said to Deb this evening “What goes around comes around.” and even the freak agreed: When Karma comes to this place there’s going to be one HELL of a bitch-slapping! – And we move on to the fact that Bob’s drunk again already on something (money for booze now too…) at 15.00 today. He’s blithering something about them in the room and the heat and the air conditioner when he says “Gordon asked me ‘How does Jude stand it?’ (the heat) And I said ‘He’s used to it.’” Right then fucktard. No, he’s NOT “used to it”, he simply makes the best of any situation… in relative silence, particularly when there’s little-to-nothing that can or will be done to change it, not to mention, nobody else who gives a shit. (I swear… THESE ARE THE SHELTER DAYS AGAIN!!!) – And so, on that note, I’m having a rather light v-ton now. Earlier I’d crept over to the store for cheese curds, hotdog buns, a tin of fruit cocktail… “dinner”, and PopTarts (back-up). Bob went cleaning out the breads in the fridges this evening. (WOW! SO MUCH BREAD in this house… AND food in general… into the trash… save the bread which will go to Mme. Blanche-Noire.) I got a loaf of raisin bread that he was going to toss… never opened. I had 3 slices as I wrapped-up my “Woodhauler” work this evening. – And now… with the room door open, fan on “High” in the window, trying to pull in some “cooler” air (it’s 25° right now… and that’s to be the “Highest” for the coming days), I’m off to a bit of soc.med., perhaps a last ‘moke (alone… the dogs are in with B&G) & hopefully a night of sleep and an early morning tomorrow. I want to finish “Woodhauler”, pop off a message to Vincent (just to see if we’re still “on” for the Fall) and call in a complaint to the PO about Gina-dina. – I wonder if “Gordon” works… he’s still here tonight and it’s a 2-hour drive for him to get back to where-ever.

Tue.31.May: 5.49 I woke, this morning, at about 3.30, feeling rested and such but stayed in bed, thinking… of what to do with this day. I drifted back to sleep. But when the 5.30 alarm sounded, I woke to… an empty house! THEY are gone. When I opened the room door, there was m’Dixie, in the hall! Little sweetness. So I’ve had my coffee and we’ve had a ‘moke and my guts are stabbing and so too, my chest. Another day. – This month is closed. Another month. June is tomorrow… June… HOW did it get to be June already? The YEAR is half gone! SHIT! TOO quick! – Well, the sun’s up and shining and it’s getting warmer, though it’s not too bad out-side. And me? It’s back to finishing “Woodhauler” this morning. THAT MUST get up and running! It’s a comfort knowing that my toils are recorded here… for the world to see. – 20.18 Showered. In bed. Second PopTarts of the day… that, and about 8 slices of raisin bread. “Nourishment”. I’ll be sorry tomorrow. – NEWS FLASH!!! THE GORDON IS MOVING IN. TONIGHT. ANOTHER FUCKING DOG. ANOTHER “DISABLED” FAT ONE. YES, IT’S ON DISABILITY AND IT HAD BACK SURGERY… WITH RODS!!! OK? OK! IT’S THE “HOUSE AND CAR” OR THE FREAK’S PHANTASY. AND SO HERE WE GO! NONE OF MY BUSINESS BUT I WON’T BE GOING THROUGH ANOTHER FREAK. PERIOD. – That said… the GREAT NEWS!!!! *** WOODHAULER *** IS COMPLETE! RIGHT UP TO TODAY! PHOTOS OF THE FLOWER-BEDS AND SUCH. I JUST NEED A PHOTO OF THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE TO MAKE IT COMPLETE! AND I SENT A MESSAGE TO VINCENT THIS MORNING, WITH A LINK TO THE “PORTFOLIO”. BUT IT’S DONE! (I JUST HAVE TO PUT IN A “LANDING PAGE” OF SOME KIND WITH *ME* ATTACHED SO THAT IT CONNECTS. I’LL HAVE TO FIGURE THAT BIT OUT. BUT FOR NOW… THE PORTFOLIO IS DONE! *** – Stopped by to see Jacquie this after-noon. She was busy planting in the garden. She tells me that yesterday, she had her Maryrose and her son, and Kerry helping her plant. When the brief rain came, they all disappeared. But Ms. Jacquie’s planting away out there at full steam. (She asked if I’d received any news from NY. I told her I hadn’t but had just this morning, sent a note.) Well… MY little “gripe” is that there’s been no money for having taken care of Hallie and I had to use my banque card again this evening for smokes! 13,41$CAD is 9,78$US! So… I’m fucking rather bloody ripped pissed. Obviously *I* am not important any longer because *I* am not doing ALL of the work round here. (Ah but… Ms. Jacquie is having the porch power-washed…. so I suppose THAT’S where the money has gone. That, and “instead of getting a head-stone for Cecil” she went to Italy… so she tells… proudly.) Oh well… quite honestly and physically, I’ll have all to do to mow THIS bloody lawn here in future so I’ll be fucked side-ways if I’ll worry about OTHER people. I WILL NOT DROP DEAD IN VERMONT! – Well, that wraps this day up. It’s delightful out-side this evening. Dixie and I played Frizbee for a bit. Nice weather for lawn mowing but… no… not tonight. I’ll need something to get me out and away tomorrow… besides attending Ms. Hallie whilst Ms. Jacquie attends another “staff meeting” and then here “HydroTherapy” session at 16.00. We shall see how the “changes” float. – Oh, and Ms. Jacquie and her Maryrose have another “road trip” coming. Let’s hope the “fee” is in advance… since it would cost 25$/day at a kennel to have Ms. Hallie attended… or what-ever she reduces the twats’ rent by. Indeed, indeed… we shall see… Time will tell… all. – PS: Yes… I DO believe that the chest pains are “lung”. And my legs are swelling… I noticed when I took my shower. So? Wif a li”le bi’ uh luck… final Summer! YAY ME! – (Fuck… tomorrow’s JUNE already! The fucking year’s about half gone already! SHIT!) – 21.51 The light over the kitchen sink, that has been left on 24/7 since the day I arrived here at 5225, is off tonight. And what a difference it makes on the back porch! Darkness. – And as I had my smoke, A LIGHTNING BUG! They’re not supposed to be here until mid to late August! – And as a note: Blackeyed Susans are biennials. So what I planted and bloomed so wonderfully last year will probably not be back. I’ll have to either plant more or just give up… I believe I’ll go for the latter. I don’t much care about next Summer. – Oh yes… and Gordon has arrived. Great. Somebody to be lingering round the house all day… again. No matter. I’ll continue as if he’s not here. I’ve other things to attend.