Mon.1.Jun: 9.17 and just up fro a halfie. The rains are POURING this morning. And me? I’m quite dressed, in clothes, and left boot to boot. The house is quiet. I’ve an “odour” about me. But I’m attributing that to diet now. Probably the “Slow Rot” coming on. And there’s no prospect for income or food for some time to come. Oh well. At my age, this won’t last long. So I’m going to focus again on the DeadArtist Journal today and see how far along that goes. What’s to be done with that? Well, eventually it will come to the attention of those who… what-ever. – 23.38 Stomach’s going “off” right about now. Cramping and such. 3 smokes left. Nerves are about to hit “frazzle” I’m sure. – Spent ALL day working on “DeadArtist”. It put me into such a “dark” frame of everything. This is my fucking existence! Just horrid! And the 2 trips (1st attempt and the actual) to the mountains. I truly need to get shit together and check the fuck out. It’s been one hell of a fucking ride and it’s time to stop this shit. Truly. – Last pack of Ramen too. 3 smokes and no food. Here we go. Maybe… “go”. – Pulled SO many photos off the fotobkt too… Rockaway and such. – I’m just being devoured by a lot of hate and anger tonight. – But, it’s time to try for some sleep before these cramps take hold. – Had the little heater on most of the day to take the cold and damp away. It’s still running for the over-night.

Tue.2.Jun: 18.25 It’s been a long day and I’m down to the last half of the last smoke in the pack. Tomorrow, as I’m thinking now, I’m going to take the 13$ out of the CU and close that account. I’ve been meaning to anyway, so why not now? A pack of smokes and done! – Meanwhile… INVITE TO INTERVIEW FOR MILTON ON THE 10TH! IT CAME TODAY. 11.00 ON THE 10TH. INTERVIEW! Now I have to decide: take it and be stuck for a while there? Or go for the interview (and pray I’ve got enough gas anyway) and tell them that I want to transfer when the Sheldon office opens again? I don’t know. But at least this is better than nothing at all. I’m about to return to work! (It’ll take some time after, I’m sure. And I’m not too sure that I’ll be hired anyway, since I’m not completely familiar with the POS. But… it’s better than nothing… or what-ever.) – My mind wanders a lot today and I spent another ENTIRE day (from noon anyway) working on the DeadArtist. And just as I thought I’d gotten it all under control… COMMENTS! There are HUNDREDS (if not THOUSANDS) of comments that have to be sorted through and inserted and such. Oh well.. so be it. I want this damned thing done! – Checked the FS card today… the 26 cents that was there before. Nothing… not even emergency. But then, why should they give ME anything? I’m a working fuck. – I posted my dismay with me on the fesses-book this evening. As I read the notes I see how I’ve always been putting everybody else’s bullshit before my own and that’s mostly why I’m where I am… even now… when I started working after so many months and gave ALL of my income to these clowns… who even yesterday said: “We had to rob Peter to get dog food.” and “No more treats until Thursday.” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? Sorry… not buying into it. And when I DO return to work? OUT OF HERE, if all goes well enough. OUT OUT OUT! This is just bringing me too far down all told. I need to STOP thinking about everybody else’s shit and pay attention to MINE for a change. Enemies are on their way. – Well then. that said, it’s time to finish that last smoke and probably get into bed and hope to sleep through the night. – Oh… Bobo came to fetch HLS for the BTV MD appt. today. And the news? As I’m to understand, all the “illness” and “I hope it’s not cancer” bullshit is nothing more than the effect of the HepB treatments. So again… OH OH OH I’m SO dying here… Drama. Bull-shit. Enough is enough and this is too much entirely. – Checked the Skype too… Nothing. Of course. I’ve no money and not feeling well… so I’m useless again. For the last time, I should think. – Jester had an appointment this morning and was ill… poor little bitchthing. So instead of me getting something to eat and perhaps a pinch of tobacco from the fridge… I’ve eaten a few matzot and much sugar-water today… and the last smoke? Well… I’ll attend to that tomorrow. May as well. – Thus are the events of this day. Amen. – Fukkitall. – 18.36 I’m going for the smoke and to sleep… I hope. – 19.06 Well.. that’s settled. Tomorrow the damned CU gets closed. I “tabbed” a pack of smokes from next door. 9,26 worth. Deb… she gave me a tough time but she did it with all sorts of “MUST MUST MUST” come pay!” They’re not supposed to “credit” smokes but she did it anyway. As if. I was on the bed and thought: if you don’t ask, you get 100% no. So I asked. I got a “yes”. So tomorrow morning.. off to close the account. These are the tough times. Oh well. Tough shit. Death isn’t far away. – Then I took Dixie out and when I came from trying to get her from the next yard, Bobo was out there in the back. He’d not even seen the window in the barn until this evening. “It looks good. I guess it lets in a lot more light.” No big deal. Oh well… not that anything anybody does is appreciated. Fuck it. OK. Just fuck it. Really. – I’ve got smokes and a whole new turn on the day. So there. ME! I do for ME! – 24.25 Had my smoke and almost made it solo until HLS came down to join and we chatted a bit. Had licorice. WOW. That and matzot all day. It’s getting to me. But tomorrow I’ll be get more Ramen (BFD). With 3 bucks I can get 12 of them! (I need sugar too!) – Anyway, I looked at the Milton PO. HUGE! 2 docks. Full-time hours. I think I know what this position is: PostCons! I’m not thrilled. But at least I know I’m not off the hiring list! So that’s pretty good. The distance? I don’t have the gas for 2 weeks with-out income. And there are back roads but I just don’t know how I’m going to make this. I just don’t know. But we’ll cross all that shit when we come to it. – Meanwhile… I need to get to sleep to wake early enough to clean up enough to close the account, get something to eat and pay my debt next door. Fuck. – I’M SO HUNGRY TONIGHT!

Wed.3.Jun: CU acct empty. 3$US to my name. 10CAD. 8.23 The first of the “difficult” mornings, this one. Hunger is setting in and taking hold. Fatigue. Just up from a smoke. Brilliant sun-shine and… anxieties and… horrid fatigue. The first of the “difficult” mornings. – 11.59 And… this day is DONE! Showered. Shaved. Teeth brushed clean. Scrubbed nice. Out the door. (Jester was gone already by the time I got my arse out. Hmm… another free ride to free medical and I can’t get FOOD!) Anyway… off to the CU where I was able (with the assistance of the wetback) to take the balance out of the account but had to “speak with a Customer Service” rep to “close” the account. “If you would just have a seat and I’ll send them and e-mail to let them know you’re waiting.” WHAT the actual FUCK is THAT about? And e-mail… in a tiny building and the “rep” is sitting right there behind a glass wall! I told the little wetback, nicely and quietly, that I did not have all that time, the account was a pain in the arse to open, been a pain in the arse all along and now it’s going to be a pain in the arse to close? I haven’t the time. And quietly, I walked out. On to Hannaford’s to return the empty bottles for a sum of about 60cents! And then… 14 Ramens! for which I paid 2,90! 7 days of eating for 2,90! So I got to keep my 3$ from the account! Hey! (Imagine: thrilled to have 3$ to my name… fuck.) Off to the PO where there were “Final Notices” on the box in mine and the bill for Viv’s. Ah… times, they are difficult. But that was all that was there and so, since nobody was in the office at the time, I was out and on the way back to the house where HLS is asleep, Jester is still out and about and I am having one more coffee before getting out and into the barn for what-ever is to follow today… as the sun shines. – And there you have it. – OH! I paid Sue for the smokes… When I said thank you, she replied “Oh, you’re welcome. No trouble.” Fuck you! How many OTHER accounts pay-up with-in much less than 24 hours? But never mind that. It’s done. –
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
21.41 WELLLLL!!!!! INTERESTING DAY!!!!! I WAS TOLD:
• TO GET OUT!
• I DON’T PAY TO BE HERE.
• I RAN THE HEATER ALL WINTER.
• I SHOULD GO BACK TO NYC.
• I DON’T DO ANYTHING TO HELP AROUND HERE.
I REPLIED:
• I WORK TO PAY TAXES SO THAT YOU CAN COLLECT 700$/MONTH FOR DOING NOTHING.
• WHY DON’T YOU MOW THE LAWN? I ASKED JESTER FAGSHIT.
(REPLY… WHY DON’T YOU?
I DID.
NO YOU DIDN’T. CURTIS PASSED.) THE LAWN GOT THE TRIM AFTER THE FACT.
THIS ALL CAME SUDDENLY AT ROUND ABOUT 16.00 OR SO, WHILST THE DOGS HERE WERE BARKING AT THE DOGS NEXT DOOR AND I SCOLDED ELLIE ABOUT SNARLING AND JESTER FAGSHIT WAS STANDING THERE AND TOLD ME TO FUCK MYSELF… QUITE LOUDLY! LOLA, JACKIE’S DAUGHER, WAS WORKING IN THEIR YARD AND SHE HEARD IT ALL. SHE SPOKE ON IT WITH ME LATER, IN FRONT OF JACKIE, AND SAID “I FELT SO SORRY FOR YOU.” – SO… OBVIOUSLY THERE’S TALK GOING ON IN THE HOUSE AND IT AIN’T PRETTY. I WONDER… HLS AND JESTER WENT OUT TODAY WHILST I WORKED ON FINISHING… AND INDEED, I AM FINISHED… ON THE BACK BARN. MAY THEY ENJOY THE FRUITS OF *MY* TOILS AND LABOURS… FUCKEMALL. I WONDER WHAT THE TALK WAS IN THE CAR. HMMMMmmmm. ANYWAY… IT’S IN THE OPEN NOW… AND….
AND… MY ADVERT FOR A PLACE IS POSTED ON THE CRAIGSLIST AND FACEBOOK. ROOM FOR EXCHANGE OF WORK. URGENTLY NEEDED. SOON AS POSSIBLE. NY, VT AND QUE. IF I’M TO WORK FOR MY KEEP AND TAKE NOTHING BUT A PLACE TO SLEEP AND BATHE (SELDOM) AND HEAT WATER FOR COFFEE AND RAMEN NOODLES, LET IT BE A PLACE WHERE I DON’T HAVE TO FEAR FOR MY WELL-BEING. – 911 AT THE READY TO DIAL WHEN NEEDED TO BE SURE. DRUG BUST AND ALL. ALL BETS ARE OFF. –
21.50 The house appears to be quiet. Of course the “Two” went to bed a while ago. I’m in the mood for a smoke. Curious is more the term. And I shall go. I need to pee first I suppose. Ah… here we go again… and out of nothing and no-where… again. Well, never let it be said that *I* am the antagonist. – 24.06 Well, at about 21.00 I made my one Ramen. I wasn’t really hungry at all when I came in from the barn, because of all the bull-shit. And I was rather tired, but curiosity got the better of me and I went down for a smoke. L. was asleep when I went out but was awake when I came back in. We watched an episode of “Ghost Whisperer”… on ION! Just like Pat and Buckles Grottano! ROCKAWAY! Those days! About 5 years ago. And tonight, I remembered not on them but the episode as well! – Ah… and then we went out for a smoke and come to find out, Jester’s MD, “Pain Specialist” took Jester off ALL his pain meds yesterday! ALL of them! SNAP! Well! No wonder he was in all sorts of a snit today. Still, my advert is out there for another place and it stays. And when work re-commences, a new advert goes out. I have GOT to GO! In spite of the lovely and charming rapport with L. (Who said tonight: Ellie wasn’t thrilled about the night he put her out in the shed because she’d shat on the floor and he’d stepped on it. And I said “Oh, that was the night I’d heard about… ‘I got no sleep because of the barking and howling and barking and crying!’ and L. replied “It’s still my house.” and I simply said “Oh…” and let it ride at that.) Indeed it is your house… and you can have it.. .back to the way it was. And with the other two… since THEY are “two” and you’re just another somebody about. I need to go. – But it was nice working over with Jackie and her daughter this evening for a while and chatting. Jackie wants to take a trip up to Bedford one of these days to go shopping at Metro and she wants the two of us to go. She even offered to drive. So who knows? One day, before I escape. Or maybe even after. (And, during that chat, I put out the word that I’m back to the feeling that I need to put furniture in front of my door, and need to be out… SOON! So, there it is, on “the circuit”. We’ll see where it goes from here. After all… the entire town knows that, with-out MY work round here, nothing would ever get done. Alas. Let it rot.) – Now, 24.16 and time to try for lights-out. I think I might just move the little “gate” in front of the door some-how and tomorrow, figure a way to block the light AND perhaps, block the door to keep it closed… perhaps a wedge of some kind on the inside. This is ridiculous… to be in this state. But not for much longer… I’m determined now, more than ever.

Thu.4.Jun: 10.36 OKJester. Set! And may all those who came to my aid in my past, those in whom even my own father believed, not rest now until THIS task is complete. And may none have mercy on you. – I woke at about 8.00 this morning, having slept through the 6.35 alarm. The sun, beating and pouring in through the windows. The rocker against the door where I’d put it last night at the last moment before putting the light out. This is NO way to “be”. May it pass to some peaceful existence soon. – I peed. Had my coffee. Got myself together in my little tote and headed out the door to where I am now…. the barn. Jester is out already this morning. Another free medical and free ride. I say no more on the matter. – Dixie and I are out here together this morning, in the fresh air and early morning sun-shine whilst the day is still cool. – I’ve managed to wash (as it were) the canvass tarp, at long last. One bucket of rain water with Dawn to wash. One bucket of house-water to rinse. It’s drying on the fence as I type… in the barn. – Jester has been “consigned to the earth” and I will set my energies on that, as they are necessary. – I was thinking about L.’s comment last night: the doctor has “forbidden” him (Jester) to bend forward at all. Makes it a wonderful excuse to not pick-up the dog shit. How “convenient”. But sitting is the same position as bending forward. Hmmm…. And the removal of all pain meds? I wonder if it’s not simply a ploy of some kind. Well, no matter. He’s got several hundred dollars of currently-illegal weed in his room. “The really good stuff”, in a LARGE mason jar. Let him use that, since they claim it’s the “Wonder Treatment”, especially for pain. – Today’s word: SCHADENFREUDE! Enough is enough and yesterday’s episode was too much. – I sit back here, looking at the little “garden”, the “bench” I put together, the wood-pile full of wood that *I* scavenged and cut to size. I think of their Friday (now Saturday) nights of enjoyment, of Bobo standing in front of Jester, getting a blow-job, right there, in the yard, by the fire light… and L. sitting right there, having to bear witness to such bullshit. And all the while, as I sit, with this scene in my peripheral. THEY sit by the fire, getting drunk and stoned, enjoying the evening, and, as it WAS, *I* stoked the fire with the wood that *I* scavenged and cut and stacked. OK then. It’s done… finished… over… ended. LAST Summer I sat only several times with them. The rest of the time, I feigned sleep or simply wasn’t invited to attend. Ah… enjoy the results of MY toils and labours and then talk, behind my back, in my absence, about me, to each-other, one-another, and to people who have never even met me, as if I’m a horrid, irresponsible sloth, and piece of shit. Indeed. Your “Karma” is coming for you and will attend and redress. Indeed. – Now then, what I’m to do with the rest of this day is anybody’s guess. I have my lap-top (obviously) and my sketch pad with. I’m down to 5 smokes again and when these are gone… they are ALL gone. Tough times, tough days, tough nights to come. I have (I’m wearing) a sock that need mending. I don’t know, at the moment, what else I will do with this day. But one thing is certain: I will make it appear to be quite the busy one and make certain that I do nothing to exert myself. Those times are done. No matter what I might do, it will be for ME and MY comfort and satisfaction. – OH! What I wouldn’t do for a coffee right about now. Time to figure what I can do to rectify that matter… and see if I’ve WiFi out here today. – 12.37 It’s returned. I was browsing the Internet, thinking of going in for a coffee or something to drink or something to give a little “fuel” for some energy when Ellie showed at the barn door. Alas… But it didn’t come back. Must have noticed that Dixie is back here and is avoiding. Well… What the fuck? – The tarp washed rather well, all considered, and is now spread on the bench to dry the heavier ends. Other-wise… once dry, it’s ready to bring in and hang across the door. Now all I need to do is figure out HOW. (That, and get a nap in here some-where.) – I brought a package of Ramen with me this morning. I’ve no idea what I’m going to do to prepare it, if at all. But it’s something here to eat, should that become necessary. – Smokes down to 4,5. We’re running into troubles here. – Managed to post a delightful note on the fesses-book though, concerning my anxieties about sleeping in the house with the “maniac across the hall” and mentioned putting furniture against the door. I can’t find it’s “page” any more. I wonder… have they all blocked everybody? Paranoid little twats. No matter. If anybody I know of asks, I’ll give them the names and THEY can post comments which will get to where they belong. – I need a nap. Dixie needs water. I’ll have to face the house. Hopefully L. will be awake. Even if not, I doubt there’ll be any sort of conflict as long as he’s in. – 19.58 (Viv’s birth-year. Oh my… Fuck.) And back in the institution after quite the long day of keeping busy and doing nothing. Tomorrow, I take the hummingbird feeder down… and toss it. Time to start un-doing. B. came in from work, they all stuffed and he came out to the barn, got the chain saw and took down the low branches on the pine tree in the back… almost taking the bird feeder with. (Also knocked the bird bath over but…) Anyway, indeed, no sense leaving it up there, in spite of the comment when I said “Oh take it down.” he replied “No. There are birds coming. And they’re used to it being there.” Fuck it. Time to un-do. I’m not investing any more in this place… other than what makes ME pleased. As for the rest of it? Let it go back to the way it was BEFORE I got here. It will when I leave, so may as well get started now. – PLEASE LET SOMEBODY FIND AND ANSWER MY ADVERT! AND MAY IT BE A WONDERFULLY QUIET AND APPRECIATIVE PLACE… SOON! I deserve at least that much. – I’ve got the canvass tarp in the room tonight, just on the off-chance I might use it later. I don’t know how I’ll put it up but… – Jester’s already half-butt-naked across the hall and in the bed. In all fairness, one must admit that it was up and out quite early this morning. – Did I mention? I don’t believe I did: “Meal” today… served at about 16.00, prepared in a coffee jar of water, setting in the sun on the stump table in the back. One packet, Ramen. Not hot but cool and rather filling for the time-being. I’d put the tarp over the bench and snoozed with Dixie beside me for a bit and decided that’s how I wanted to eat today. As for the tarp, well, it heats up, being dark brown, and holds the heat under it. But it offers some block from the sun so it was pretty good. And it was nice to snooze under it, laying on the bench. I believe there will be more of that sort of thing to come… weather permitting, and int he absence of “work”. – I DO hope that weather and energies permit “them” a nice night out at the fire tomorrow evening. I’m anxious to know how today’s events will affect their evening. – Oh, I hung 24 mint branches in the barn to dry today. It’ll be interesting to see how that works out. For now, I’ve fresh leaves steeping at bed-side. – 2 aspirins taken. I’m a cruddy mess. Need a shower but will not be taking one. May as well get used to that too… I’m expecting to be “tossed” ever so shortly. I could fight it… I could simply leave. I’ll decide at the moment… no doubt. Meanwhile, let the crud build. Just so long as it doesn’t ruin the afghan. – Tomorrow… packing and un-doing on the agenda. This evening, checking for replies to my “room” post and perhaps re-posting. Time… is of the essence. – 21.36 Well, posted a couple of comments on the fesses-book. Nancy and Brent replied. Joe wants to know “Where the F do you live?” So it’s noticed. And I’m being quite candid about the situation here indeed. Let the shit fly! I’ve taken more than enough. Now? Posting all this to the on-line journal, backing it up and putting the rocker back against the door and going to … hopefully … sleep.

Fri.5.Jun: 8.52 In the barn already. Ca ce peut tu? And not in the best of moods or humour this morning. But I brushed my teeth. So there. – AND… I look out the back door this morning to find…. a stack of pine limbs, on the ground, just waiting, I suppose, for ME to clean them up. Ah… NOPE! The end! I didn’t cut them down, I’m not cleaning them up! AND.. should the mood strike during the day, there will be a meeting called, between myself and HLS. Meanwhile? If it wasn’t over-cast, I’d be doing my laundry… in a bucket out here this morning. I’ve reached the “End of the Line”, as the tune goes. “Drastic Day” here. This is “Fight or Flight” and I need to choose… today. – This is making me quite sick. – 10.37 Comes the difficult period… one smoke left, the “papers” don’t roll, no glue. And I’ve been on-line all morning and it’s time to stop that. – Hungry. Tired. Etc. But at least those who are on the fesses-book are actually reading my posts about what’s going on here. They can’t change things, but at least I’m not really out and alone in nothing. –
11.31
When I was in the Shelter, in NYC, I was called “Rabbi”. Guys would come to me to talk, to ask for information about the system. When I’d go to my CaseWorkers, they’d welcome me with smiles. When I’d see my “Shleter-mates” on the streets or transport, they greeted me with hugs.
Today I’ve been in Vermont 3 years and 8 months, and in that time I’ve been called “scum-bag”, and accused of assaulting a woman much tinier than I at a time when I’d been out walking in the rain; that was followed by an accusation leading to a citation on charges of embezzlement, which was, after 5 months in the judicial system, thrown out of the courts because there was no basis for the entire case; this was followed by someone taking a legal “Order of Protection” against me which was, shortly there-after, rescinded by the petitioner, but the damage to my name had already been registered on a local court calendar, although this too, had been dropped; I was then called a “dick” because, after bicycling 6 consecutive days in the pouring rain at 4:30 in the morning, some 20-plus miles to and from a part-time job, I was, on the 6th day, exhausted and unable to haul scrap steel that I had, alone, moved and piled so that 3 men could easier remove it all to 2 trucks-with-trailor; when I couldn’t find work, and fell behind on my rent payments for a room that had no heat in Winter and where the room-temperature hovered at about 50°F on average, my “landlord” spoke of me to his co-workers in a fashion that prompted them to advise “I’d throw him out!”. but what apparently was never mentioned was:
• When I arrived, the “landlords had applied for a “home equity” loan and were denied because the house was uninsureable according to the local agency… BUT… I cleaned the yard, attended the gardens, cleaned the place up and subsequently, the loan was approved. (The “landlord” then proceeded, on the very day of the loan award, to over-draw their account by some 2000$.)
• The afore-mentioned “scrap steel” was in the back barn where the “landlord” said he’d have liked to put his tool bins and such but couldn’t because of the scrap and trash that had been stuffed, wall-to-wall and floor-to-ceiling in the space. I, alone, not only cleared the trash and steel, but cleaned the old hay, straw, cow shit and dead animals out and turned the area into a fully available work-space.
• The “landlord” had repeatedly said that the scrap metal could be sold-off and they could benefit from the sale. Instead of selling it for profit, he had it hauled away… at no cost to him, nor any income. I did the gathering and hauling and moving… he gave it away. (But I am a dick.)
• The first Winter that I was here, at this house, I, alone, shovelled the snow and chopped the ice on stairs and side-walk to ensure safety for the residents here and passers-by.
• In cleaning the back barn, I found 4 old reel mowers. I managed to get one into properly working condition. I’ve used it to mow and maintain the front yard and, on several occasions, mowed a considerable portion of the large back yard as well.
• There was an over-growth in the back yard where once, the landlord’s mother had a small garden. I got the garden back to where it could be used again. I prepared peat flats for the other 3 to plant what they wanted to grow. They procrastinated but managed to get some seedlings started. They then planted the seedlings in the garden and neglected it all.
• The landlord brought an old tractor tyre to the house, wanting to remove the tyre from the wheel-rim and use the rim as a “fire ring”. I helped remove the tyre, then placed the rim where they wanted and put the tyre in the yard with a metal pole in its centre and then planted flowers round it.
• The “fire ring” was enjoyed the first season because I’d recovered and cut to size, much old scrap wood found in the barn. THEY sat, getting drunk and getting blow-jobs round the fire… I stoked the fire, keeping it burning through the evening. Subsequently, I found bricks to surround the wheel-rim, building it up and improving the appearance and function. I no longer was invited to participate in the Friday night fires BUT was asked “Do you think we could have a fire tonight?” with the expectation that I would again, attend to it all evening whilst they sat, getting drunk and vile.
• The back barn was inaccessible due to all the over-growth round and about the entry. I manually cleared the area and got lawn to grow again… at no cost of time or money to anyone.
• There is a rather well-stocked wood-pile for the Friday night fires now.
• The roses on the South side of the house were grown so as to make it difficult to park the car and pass by them. I pulled them back and wired them firmly creating ample space for parking and walking through.
But I am a scum-bag and a dick.
15.08 Back in the house and on the bed. Managed to post a “composite” to fesses-book… just “FYI”. Should anything “happen”, people will know who. – The only other thing I managed all day was to turn the soil in “Daisy’s Garden”. Just to make it appear quite nice. And then took Dixie over to the local PO to get a change for address… and of course, there isn’t a one in the lobby. Fuktardz. But at least Dixie got out today. – Now, on the bed, ready to quit this day already. 2 aspirins. Sweating. My body, particularly the feet, stink! I’m rather filthy. But my brain is going back into “Bakfort” mode. Interestingly enough. Lessons learnt. – I’m supposing that HLS is all clean and shiny because as soon as “hubby” gets here, they’ll be off to the market! That means… howling an d yipping on his arrival, then more when they all return. – No replies on the “wanted” advert. PLEASE!!! SOON!!! Maybe over the wk-end? – Oh, and I checked the FS card: the 26 cents. SKEEROOD! Alas… Again. – Will check e-mails and such and then hope to fall into a dead sleep. – Feeling better with that “image” posted. Tired of going through this shit and false accusations alone. – 18.15 Snoozed from 15.30 to about 17.00 and had a packet of dry Ramen with the salt on as I sat on the bed. – Just off the soc.med. Re-posted the composite. – Rains are beginning. Too bad. The freak-show won’t be on the fair-way this evening. Oh well. – I’m going to try to get back to sleep now. Gotta move the chair tho and then. Hopefully I’ll sleep through the entire night and until when-ever tomorrow. –
***IF ANYTHING IS SAID ABOUT THE PINE LIMBS I MUST REMEMBER:
YOU HAD THE SAW THERE ANDRUNNING. WHY DIDN’T YOU CUT THEM TO SIZE AT THE SAME TIME?
FUKTARD*****
– Smoked my Belvedere half at about 21.00. Came up. L. in loo. just woke. Asked if I was going for amoke. Told him I’d done. “Will you beback for another later?” “No. I’m going back to bed.” “OK. Goodnight.”
I was in bed by 15.30. Smoke at 21.00. Back to bed.

Sat.6.Jun: 11.27 JUST SITTING UP Slept until about 10.30! No idea what hour I finally did fall asleep. But I could go right back to sleep. Beautiful day out there. I don’t give a shit. Will post my advert to Craigslist again and see how I feel after than. (The space bar on this lap-top shit is fucking up again. Life is beginning to fall apart.. indeed) Fuckit! – 13.17 Giving in and oging out to the barn for the last of the half smokes. Then? Probably bak in abd back to bed. I stink! Woo! Badly! Need a shower. don’t give a shit. Tired too. Odd. HUNGRY as all fuck though. Oh well.. fukkit. Posted again for the room. Glanced over fesses-book. Done for the day. Don’t give a shit. – 23.00 Just getting back into bed… Left at about 17.30 and, on a whim, headed to Mayhew’s… hoping. My hopes weren’t only not dashed, they exceeded. And I stayed until the store closed at 22.00. Got 10$ in gas in Enosburgh. Walked in about 20 minutes ago. B&L were just going out to McD’s… in Enosburgh! Imagine! Jester is across the hall. I wonder what transpired during my absence. – Almost 2 packs of smokes, a MilkyWay and 10$ left over. My life is FULL. – I am anxious though. Not knowing what kind of shit happened whilst I was gone. Although, B. said they didn’t even know I was gone? So I don’t suppose anybody came looking for me. Still, there’s no telling around here. No trust in this house. None warranted. – Got my “tea” leaves and they’re steeping. Will have them and then back to bed to hopefully sleep the night away. No doubt, tomorrow is going to be “heavy”. I suspect… and that usually means… Premonitory.

Sun.7.Jun 14.41 Now THERE’S a day spent! After yet, another fitful night of trying to fall asleep (waiting, of course, for the return of the 2… “McDonald’s”, indeed…more like Richford…for a trucker one should think… at about 2.00 or so), I was up again at 8.00 this morning. At that moment, I got right into the packing of EVERYTHING! And I’ve only JUST finished. There’s something nice about not having the pressure of needed to figure things quickly. And so, I must say, as I’ve been thinking right along:
I’m practically packed and ready to rock… and ROLL! Indeed.
Spoke briefly with B. this morning and listened, quite “caringly” to all of the “cutting of limbs and stacking on wood-pile” and “weed-eatering” round and about the place. “I was finished by about 10.00 and all sweaty so I went in and took a shower”. Indeed? Shower then? I can’t recall when I took my last shower. But my body is letting me know that I’m in some need of one. I haven’t even washed my hands in days. And I’ve been in the bed in this condition. And… I don’t give a shit. Hopefully, the stench will soak into the walls. – But in the mean-time, boxes are neatly packed and labelled and all. – All through the day I couldn’t help but think also:
Gee… when you (dearest Viv), lived in Vimont and were having trouble with finances, it was spiffy-diffy-delight to have me come by at least monthly, to bring the US version of the month’s rent and a bit over (much over, after conversion to CAD), and to go out to dinners, and to have drinks and such. But when that stopped because my rather well-paying job ended, the years of no communication began. And me? Stupidly, I let that point waft away o’er the breezes… until now. Then, after YEARS of no communication, once again, contact. Ah… and oddly enough, just at a point in time where there was rush packing and moving to be done. And again, it became convenient to have me about, to wash everything in the kitchen and pack as much as possible, haul boxes and such and help with the re-settling. Well now, that’s done… and again… not a word.
Nancy N. put it quite nicely and I have to find her words, but the gist is:
WE bestow the honours of calling others our “friend” in order to project OUR feelings onto them, whether they deserve the privilege or now. We do so to please OURSELVES… and all the while, they bask in that light, merely taking advantage of us, as we go along blindly… until.. BINGO!
I am now having a “BINGO” moment. No, this is enough and too much. It’s time to make amends (if that’s what’s called for here) with Gaetan and Dan. They’ve done nothing against me, nor have I done anything against them. Viv made it uncomfortable for me, and I feel I’d like to break that discomfort. Not for any reason other than my own peace of mind. I’ve got Gaetan on the Skype and will be sending a brief today. As for Viv? I’ve nothing more to say on that issue. – Done. The packing is done. The waiting begins to move along. Nothing has been said on that matter by the 2 home-owners. But when it IS said (and it will be, I know this to be a fact… in my gut), at least I’ll have the packing and messages on Craigslist to show that I’m doing my best to get out of their way. – Now, there’s a little matter of reinforcing the blue swing out back. I’d like, very much, to get that done too before leaving. May they enjoy the results of my labours… and remember from when their comforts and pleasure come. NOT, mind you that it will make one fuck of a difference. But to ME, it will… and THAT is what matters. – Thank you again, Brenda. I had a MilkyWay today! And have smoked when taking a break from the packing. Thank you! (I owe: 2 packs smokes and a MilkyWay to the store and 20$ to her directly. May it come in soon and be repaid as quickly.) – 19.18 Double “creamy chicken” Ramen steeping. So too, tomorrow’s ground coffee. And me? Feeling like shit. BUT… they went out shopping… for dinner… cooked on the grill out back. How nice. Whilst I cut some wood to try to repair the swing. I didn’t get out until rather late, and lost energy to saw. So I came in the front door (feigning a check on the front flowers… which, by the way, are coming up from last year’s transplants: black-eyed Susans and daisies! WOOHOO! I AM THAT GOOD!) I’d come in for some moments whilst they were gone, managed to empty the pee-bottles and get 2 bottles of water just as they returned… I was “alarmed” by the Mexishit who simply garggled but did dare to bark. Teehee. Anyway, I was “working” when they returned. Fukkitall. So there. – Oh… I DID send a message to Gaetan via Skype before going out today. And LO! There was, from Friday, a “smiley” and a “R U Dere?” Fukdatshit. I’ve already posted my JDMaroise message on the fesses-book. Her brother is able to see it. So… I don’t fucking much care any longer. My days are running short.(The pain is back in the left lung and, well, with my food intake… running down.) – Other than that, I’ve got the burlap to fill the box that has the flower pots/heater in it. Once that’s done… packing is DONE! Ready to pick up and go. May that day come quickly… swiftly… and peacefully. (Yeah, right… “peacefully”. Me? HAHAHAH and HAHFUK!) – I’m off to browse (if there’s internet) and eat (if that’s what one could call it). Then? TO BED!Tomorrow I have to argue with the idiots down at the FS joint, and should figure how to get a forward for the PO. Oh… and then Wednesday, interview for a job I don’t really want (no doubt they want somebody to empty postcons and break-down the mail. 2 fucking hours a day. 60-mile drive. Right.). – Oh yes… I removed the hummingbird feeder too. Gone. And put one of the solar lights in the window (MY window) in the back barn. May THAT serve as a constant reminder as they get drunk (and blow-jobs) by the fire. – 22.44 Had my last smoke already and have been on the lap-top for a while with the little IKEA lite instead of the desk lampe. Time to get used to this little thing because in the morning, the desk lampe gets packed away for moving along. – The 2 Ramen tonight kicked the hunger, I must say. Too bad though… I ITCH! – Tomorrow I have to see about getting that tarp up over the door to block out the fucking blingings and shit form the freak across the hall. OH I NEED to get the fuck out of this place! (Thankfully, I keep posting about this house on the fesses-book. People in Europe, Texas, S.Carolina, and such know about this shit… Oh… and one guy in VT as well. HE wants to know where I live. My “moment” is coming.) – The forecast for tomorrow is down-pours and heavy winds. Should be interesting to see if I can get through on the Gvoice to FS in the morning. I can only hope. – For now, in the dark, to find the phone to set an alarm… and hopefully get some sleep tonight. I was hoping to make a wash tomorrow but I don’t think I will at this juncture. So, no shower tonight and probably not tomorrow either. I’m (re)turning to “Homeless” at this rate. Fukkem! Let the stench rise! and ride! –

Mon.8.Jun: 7.13 Hail fucking hail the whole house is in this morning! Of course. I have a matter that involves FOOD and something’s GOT to get into the way of that! Indeed! Me. Food. NO WAY! Fuck it! I’ll be in the barn shortly. – Woke to the yip of the Mexishit this morn. 6.30 delight! How wonderful though, to wake to a room packed and ready to go. One more box and done. – Had a start of a bit of a DREAM about having called Viv via the Gvoice and as I’m trying to talk with her, she’s all over the place with giggling and “Ca ce peut tu?” and such. Me? I wasn’t thrilled. I was merely calling to see what kind of bull-shit story I’d get, if any, about her inability to even log-onto something like an e-mail or such. But I was rudely awakened from this dream by that piece of shit across the hall. – Honestly, I have to get the hooks up for the tarp as well. This shit’s got to go! (So do I, for that matter.) – I’m going down for a smoke. I wonder what the excuse is today for poor Baby Bobo staying in… OH! He did some “work” round the house on Saturday morning! Weed-wacking! And cutting the trimmings from the pine tree! OH! VERTIGO! No doubt… He over-worked! …. ca ce peut tu? – 7.41 THAT was a bit of horror: Went down fora smoke and EMERGENCY TROTS! The double Ramen of last night. Indeed. ’twas to be expected… and right on cue. BLAM! And now, the stomach churns. There’s another one coming soon. How wonderful. Nice way to begin a rainy, dreary day. (And a week’s worth of this weather to come as well, says the forecast.) Delightful. – Note: I’ve got enough Ramen to last only until Wednesday. After that: no food… at all. – Oh… and the left lung? Still painful BREAK-DOWN time! Maybe… at last. I’ve been pondering going to have it checked… only to see what it is and how much “time” “They” think I have until disastre. It might be a good thing to know? I don’t know right now… maybe later. – 10.25 A second bout of the water-runs and I laid down for about half an hour, i the hopes that it would pass. Well… there’s MORE in there, churning, but it’s a little better. Having a tea now. But just back up from a smoke. I get to the kitchen, the freak is at the sink and says “Your girl is out there some-where. She took off on Bob and he said to just let her go.” The rains are coming down. Wind gusts of 50km. And he, B. is sitting like a Budah, in his under-shorts, on the recliner, playing with his phone. Me? *I* went out to look for her! ME! “Your girl”? MINE? Well, doesn’t THAT just wrap it up for the day? I walked up to the Tatro’s… no sign of Dixie. I came back, through the yards, in my flip-flops, went to the back barn to open the door, thinking maybe she’d find her way to there and have some place to go to to get out of the rain. But… THERE SHE WAS… AT THE BACK DOOR TO THE HOUSE! She came running to me,all happy to see me! And me? I was SO relieved. So, we add THIS to the roster: “MY girl”. And *I* get to go out into the rain to find her. Oh… the truest colours are coming through brilliantly. – I SO need to get the fuck out of this place. NEED! – From the looks of the forecast, the worst of the rains should be ended until about 15.00 today. Its stopped at the moment… figures… I’m back in the house now. Oh well.. Perhaps this is a change for me, so I can get back out into the barn in a bit, get on the Gvoice and get FOOD? (Although me, I doubt that. I tend rather to think there’s something brewing in this house… and it’s not just my tea.) Oh well… I’ve a touch more packing to get done… trying to decided whether or not to pack the desk lampe. it’s really the only thing left.. and some clothing. – (Tue. 1.08) I DID IT! PHONED FS. HAD TO PUT IN A NEW APPLICATION. But “Patricia” said that it can be rushed. I can only hope. She said they could rush the interview that I’d need. That would be a delight. I have to wait and see how they’ll do that. I know that when it’s necessary, nobody rushes anything. I need food! I phoned from the back barn. The connection was bad. I had to make a new application on-line. THANKFULLY I could do that on-line! But the system blocked me. I had to call back to get a password. THe connections were poor, to say the least, but I got the password, and before I left the barn, the new application was done! I am SO SO SO THANKFUL for the Gvoice service! With-out it, I’d be… done. – Did I mention? B. took the day off. Seems he headed out to work this morning and got no further than the 89 when… THE SHITS HIT! He had them so bad that he actually had to come back and wash. So there’s two of us with this “thing” today. Still, it only added to the stress I already had, since he’s the one most likely to go to the barn. And there I was. And I didn’t dare to stay in the house all day with him hovering. I need to get over and past that bit. HE is quite the one with the “guilt”, if there is any. And I obviously get along with L. And if HE had anything to say to me, I’m really rather certain he would. So? So… – Well, all told, I got my calls made. – Then, I tried to cut the wood for the swing? THAT was a grave error. I messed one, the first piece! I cut in the wrong direction! But truthfully, my heart isn’t in any of this any longer. So, calls done, I came back into the room and… FINISHED THE PACKING! The Winter jackets are in bags and put into a box, I’m half tempted to send them back North. But we’ll see. Meanwhile, now, at this point, everything that needs to be tossed-for-the-run is DONE! I do feel better about that. – Spent much (too much) time on the fesses-book today too. But I received such supportive words from Nancy Nich. and “Sadie”. And even from Pamela, who told me that if I needed cash, I should let her know and she could send 100 or 2. (I have no place to send it to now… but I wouldn’t ask anyway. I don’t know her, and with the past, it’s not in anybody’s best interest. People will say they can and will help, and some will… and then? Not good. But it was nice to see those words. Kindness. I’m just not accustomed to that.) – I NEED to get a “Change of address” in at the PO too! QUICKLY! – “Need”… I just so NEED so much! So soon! So quickly! I HATE THIS! – And… I repeated (this is the 3rd time) the advert on Craigslist today. It’s an odd sort of thing, room for work, so I don’t expect zippy replies. So I’ll just keep trying. There was one room offered, but they want a woman. It’s easier, this world, for women. I can’t figure out why. Women today are just as likely to be evil as men. But… so much for the world…today. – Now, I must say: I NEED TO BATHE! I NEED TO WASH THE BED LINENS. I NEED CLEAN ME AND CLOTHES FOR WEDNESDAY! I might not really want this job in Milton, but I DO NEED to be presentable. Make a “Best Effort”. Besides, once bathed and clean again, I just might feel better about things… in general. I doubt it, but I can think so. – Tonight turned for the interest. L. and I were awake until quite late tonight. It began when I went for my “last smoke” at about 21.00 and he came along. We started to chat, and the chatting went into the kitchen and he pulled a bag of crisps, and we talked… about music, politics, religion (he considers himself “Born Again”… ALARM! ALARM! ALARM!). When we sit and talk, the conversation runs along. I re-discoverd that there’s a 21-year difference between him and B. That’s an entire generation! B. is his CHILD! He’s MY child! Fucking little brat, that’s what it is. Spoiled, entitled little brat who wants things one way and that’s that. L. also said that they’d discovered other solar lights, 4/13$ that are much stronger and that they want to get and… have ME figure where best to put them in the back yard. BUT… he mentioned that he appreciated the placement of the 2 that are on the barn because it gives a better “reference’ in the dark. I told him that that’s why I’d put them there (not that he’d pay attention to that remark). But the fact is… THAT’S EXACTLY WHY I’D PLACED THEM THERE…I “do” with “others” in mind. As I like to point out to people “I’ve got shit between the ears where my brains should have been.” – Oh, and in our chat last night, I got to mention (re-mention?) the “Altruism” I was raised with: do for the sake of doing because that’s how the world was intended. No “thanks”. Just DO. (Of course, after a few hits on the pipe, those words probably just flew right the fuck out of the fucking window. But, they were said.) – Well! THIS day ran into over-time! (And I’m catching-up again at 9.14 on Tuesday morning here.) And ENTIRELY TOO LATE! – OH PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE SOON AND TO A BETTER, QUIETER, PEACEFUL, MORE MATURE PLACE for my “last days”. PLEASE!

Tue.9.Jun: 1.06 Just getting to bed. Chat with L. about music, religion and all sorts of things. Nothing of house-hold import. But chatting. We even talked about the age difference with B. and such. And had our smokes and so. Ate crips as we talked. My stomach is in a havoc. And I wanted to make a wash today! I can only hope now. And I need a shower! But… Later. Hopefully I’ll wake to a quiet house and be able to get it all done. I shouldn’t give a shit. I don’t use all that much as it is. But… – Maybe tonight’s chat with HLS will have some impact on things. I wonder if anybody realises that I’m packed to go. I wonder if they know about my adverts on Craigslist. Oh well… makes no difference. I just hope somebody comes through. – 8.32 THE WASH IS IN! ALL OF IT! SHEETS, CLOTHES, THE WORKS! AT LAST! – And my stomach is churning. I HAD to have a runny shit whilst the washer began. This “diet” is taking its toll this morning again. Tomorrow is going to be rather “interesting”, between the travel, the car, the interview. I just don’t know what to expect. So I’ll expect… the worst. – Today? I need to call EEO. I need to call FS. And it’s raining. How charming. – The Freak is already gone though. I’ll hope that’s a good omen. I’ll hope it stays away until the wash is done. – Odd though… nothing further has been said since the out-burst. I wonder if anybody knows about it. Well, they will, soon enough, I should suspect. Meanwhile, the comfort is: I’m packed and ready to roll away. May the day come soon. – I’m rather exhausted too, this morning. Not nearly enough proper sleep. Being rather filthy, not being able to get to sleep. But one thing: It’s gotten to the point where it did when I was under the tree. I don’t “feel” filthy. I know I am, but I don’t “feel” that way. It’s the “adjustment” state… where the body “knows” it doesn’t need to produce those things that keep it filthy. I don’t feel greasy, dirty, grundgy. But, the room DOES smell rather… “me”-ish. Oh well. Oh well, indeed. – 9.09 The clothes went into the dryer and the fucking YIP commenced! The Freak has returned. And, oddly… pleasant chat! Fucking freak. And HLS is stirring. Well…if anything is said, I shall simply reply “That time of the month… my monthly wash-day.” and make a point to mention “Once a month.” And should it become necessary, point out “Not 3 times weekly.” Fuck this shit. Really. – Oh well… – 15.56 And well now…. I… AM… SHOWERED!!! (with Dawn… double scrubbed)THE LAUNDRY… AND THE BED-LINENS… ARE CLEAN!!! THE TARP IS PREPARED AND READY TO HANG AT WILL AND NEED!!! THE RAMEN DOUBLE IS STEEPING. THE FAN IS BLOWING. AND THE HOUSE IS EMPTY… save for the dogs and me. – The laundry didn’t get finished until almost 11.00, sadly. And I’d only JUST put it into the dryer when the freak returned. It’s been rather cheerie of late. May it rot. Quite “civil” and chatty too. May it eternally rot. But I paid it no particular mind and was congenial, as per my usual and went about my own business of tidying the room for the clean linens and clothes. When the laundry was done, I mended the socks that I wear most often and at about noon, took me out to the back barn to phone. – Phoned EEO and spoke with Ed who assured me that Sheldon will be open at the end of the month and that there is NO animosity at all amongst those with the positions to approve my return. HE did MORE work than ANYBODY in the entire postal service! And was a pure delight to deal with! The results, as of today: I’ve with-drawn the matter, with the understanding that no, I am not completely happy nor satisfied with the results, but will continue on as necessary. Says Ed, I can take the spot at Milton if I choose, and when the opening comes in Sheldon, apply for that as per usual. Dan R. in St. A. has already given quite the approval for my return. I cannot transfer. But I’m free to apply. So, there’s a decision to be made as to whether or not I want to take the spot in Milton for 3 weeks or wait. I have something to ponder before sleep tonight. Nicely. And today, the connection was delightful! Wonderful! Thank you Gvoice! You’ve saved my life… (not that I’m happy about that in particular, preferring to be dead… long time already, but…) – That done, I tried to work on the blue swing in the back yard (primarily to make it appear that that’s what I’d gone to the barn for). The freak came out with the dogs… all smiles… and watched them shit all over the yard, per usual. “Congenial” me, I continued my “work”. WELL!!! As Fate would have it: I FOUND a bracket AND screws for the swing! IT IS REPAIRED!!! AND… I found brackets and a rod for the TARP!!! – The swing repaired, I came into the house to find that the little duo had departed… I BOLTED BOLTED BOLTED FOR THE SHOWER!!! FLANNEL AND DAWN AND TOWEL IN HAND AND BOLTED! WISHY WASHY SCRUB SCRUB SCRUB! DOUBLE! RINSE-A-RINSE-A-RINSE AND DONE! (16.09 and the duo has returned, oh well.) Into the room, made the bed, got me “together” and realised I had the chance to get the rod and such for the tarp. OUT the door, TO the barn and back in! Finished making the bed, down to get clothes pins to hold the tarp and…. TAH-DAH-DEE-DAH! DONE! – On a note: the FS application is still under review so there was no “interview” today which means no food today. But I’ve put together a Ramen, with a touch of creamer and some sugar. Sweet noodles tonight. Hopefully they won’t RUSH through tomorrow. – But I must say, it’s a delight to be “clean” again. And I’m looking forward to a night on clean sheets again. How “Human” at last! – Now to nibble and browse and see what is to come along. – I can’t help but think: thus far, things have worked out well. (16.12 and the “other one” returns.) SOMEBODY is bound to come along to toss some un-necesary shit into the wind. I’m in no mood at the moment, but my little gut says: Beware. Be Prepared! I’ll ride along and see what’s to come. –
Thought:The freak yells at me and accuses me of not paying to be here (probably doesn’t know I paid 500/month all fucking Winter) and doing nothing. BUT… gee… It’s had the fire-ring to enjoy (that I put into place and then built up), to sit round and get drink and give blow-jobs to it’s little attraction. It has the swing to park its funky arse on. It hasn’t touched a flower-bed, mowed a blade of grass. And *I* do nothing? Imagine that! Just imagine that.

17.46 I’VE APPLIED FOR SHELDON!!!!! RECEIVED CONFIRMATION!!!!! The post period is today through the 22nd (poo). BUT I APPLIED FOR SHELDON!!!!! Highgate Springs is also up. I wonder if I shouldn’t go for that one as well… It’s closer to NY. And… bottom line: I want out of here and it’s either Richford or NY. And if it’s NY… the Springs is closer to there. Well… I’ve applied for SHELDON and I’ve an interview for Milton. Let’s see how this works out then. Indeed.

Wed.10.Jun: 1.44 gotta be up in 6 hours!!! Fuck me! But what a night with HLS again. Hmmm… All sorts of chitting and chatting again and watching him get stoned. We’d gone for what was supposed to be my last smoke at 23.00 and the next thing you know… 1.00! I WILL regret this… in a few hours. I’m still quite stupid. – 8.43 Either a bad start toa good day or a good start to a bad day. I’m exhausted! Not good. Fuck. And the house phone rang at about 8.30… Jackie… would I mind helping her plant this afternoon. “I don’t like doing things alone.” Planting peas. But it woke HLS who had to come give me the house-phone. Oh well. – The sun’s shining brightly and it’s already hot out there. Now… to hope the car starts, gets me there and gets me back. But, at least there’s gas in it. – This is interesting. On the day before this interview, fora job I really don’t want, I apply for the job that I DO want. And there are no guarantees on any of this. Well… I’m going to this interview because I have it. Respect. I but I’d really like to go back to sleep. – 12.49 WHAT a WONDERFUL morning! 29,5mi. The Oakland Station rd. is BEAUTIFUL! A great and wonderful drive. Under 45 minutes. Just super. Cathy was a pure delight to chat with, and actually helped me decide: Nope… not Milton. And she gave me insight into the “conversion” issues. It was worth the fatigue! And driving BACK from Milton… it all came back to me: 2 years ago, I lost a toe nail WALKING that route!!! And it was all so too familiar to me… 2 years later. And it’s a bit of a shame, really, that Milton is Chittenden and that it would be a move South again. It’s a nice town, the office is really nice and I’d probably enjoy working there. But no… NOT moving South again when the goal is to be even farther North. Still, it was ALL WELL WORTH the drive (and the gas… the car’s eating gas… fuel line I’m betting. Back to work and more repairs. Oh well. So be it.) – Stopped at the Sheldon office for the mail in 58. Nothing. Not even word from FS. I’ll check when I’m done with this journal. They won’t rush. THEY aren’t the ones who are hungry. – And so… tea with left-over coffee, much sugar and a touch of creamer and maybe half pack Ramen. I’ve got planting to do in a couple of hours. – 18.50 Just getting to “eat”. Met Jackie in the back yard and helped plant some peas. Hopefully they’ll take. After, we sat and had a beer and chatted… and… she took the freak’s name down. She says she works with people from his “old neighbourhood”… hmm….. Yes, I gave her the full name. Now… fuck with me. “Karma”… I am funny… hahaha. I am LAZY? Nahnahnah! I am STUPID? Fuck you then. And… she knows about the money situation and the drunk situation and the drugs situation. So… Hey! It was all in chit-chat. I don’t give a shit. – It was a delight to work in the garden with her and to chat. But now I need a bit of a shower and I’m fucking hungry. – Anyway, B. asked how the interview went. I told the exciting news. HE does not seemed thrilled nor impressed nor what-ever. Me? I don’t ‘ give a shit about that either. – OH! I told Jackie I don’t plan on being in town at the end of the season. SHE mentioned a room for rent in the house! It needs cleaning and perhaps some painting. I say nothing here nor now but… No, I don’t want to stay in this town,but she now knows the situation here… MUCH of the situation here. We shall see where it goes. – Time for Ramen and then a quick shower… no matter what… shower before getting into that clean bed. And with the beer and little sleep last night, hopefully I’ll be in bed a drop off early. – PS: I’ve already mowed in front of the barn by the picnic table and swing. Hello? FUCK YOU! – 18.58 One note: I KNOW I POWERED THE LAP-TOP DOWN BEFORE I WENT OUT THIS AFTERNOON… IT WAS UP AND RUNNING WHEN I CAME BACK IN. The shit is getting too deep in here. – 19.22 I’ve applied for the Highgate Springs spot too. Hey! Once I get enough together… BACK TO NYS! Fukkitall! – 21.37 SHOWERED! and had a smoke (2 left, fuck me! Decision time: Smokes or gas.) with HLS and a “chat”. I’m just waiting for the opportunity to “chat” about the “You don’t do shit around here.” comment… Like the fire pit? Placed by me. Like the fire? Wood by me. Like relaxing and giving somebody else’s husband blow jobs in the back yard in the fire-light? Area and ambiance by me. Garden and bench to sit on? By me. You’re welcome. Ah… but tonight I think: Jesus *might* be coming but Karma’s on the way and your name is tops on the “To Fuck” list. – OK. Enough. Peppermint tea is steeping… the bagged tea tonight. It’s raining. No fresh. Maybe a halfie or smoke after and TO BED! EEEENUF! I’m burning-out here.

Thu.11.Jun: 10.06 JUST waking up! TWO alarms and JUST waking up! Oh well. Making up for yesterday. – Hazy sun. Nice breeze. Humid in the room. And I could really just go back to sleep. – The freak’s gone some-where. Another free ride. How charming. – Oh, indeed, well. – And nothing pressing on the agenda… yet. – 15.33 And another day… gone. Done? Thank you card for Cathy. Not to my personal preference, but quite pretty. Hummies and gold pen. Done in colour markers. And, OK, I got the fountain pen filled (with the Rapidograph ink) and working (I hope). But other than that… I blew the 10$ gas money on a pack of smokes. I’m fucked. I know. – Now? Having my Ramen, listening to “Rouge” and need to write the “Thank you” and then? I’m half-tempted to just go back to bed and pray for sleep through. Oh well. – Funny note: I pondered… B. coming in the door form work and asking the other 2 “Is it still here?” (meaning me). And them just looking disgusted and the 3 of them rolling their eyes and such. I pondered. Wouldn’t be surprised in the least. – 16.40 Well… As it turns out, I trimmed and did the lawn round the swing and table yesterday and today, the rest of the yard got mowed. Timing. Nice. “You don’t do nothin’.” Indeed. – Meanwhile, there’s no internet. DNS trouble. I wonder. I always wonder when this happens. Unplugged? Turned off? “You can’t have it.”? Wonder. I hate being like this; always having cause to be suspicious. But, truly, I should write the note to Cathy. I’m tired. My bowels are revolting. And I need to put just a “little something” more on the card. I’m also at that point where I worry about making a mistake as I write. Well… must to get along with this. Tomorrow, I’ll head out…some-where, to get something accomplished. Right now? Another emergency run to the loo… I had a package of Ramen… and it’s coming through.

Fri.12.Jun: 1.50 A-FUCKING-GAIN! But tonight was TWO drinks with L.! I wonder if he remembers anything we talk about. Oh well. I’ve half a mind to stay awake at this point. But I’ll set the alarms for a nap and try to keep it at that/ There’s stuff to be done today. – 9.32 I have to get out to the barn… hope for connectivity… make a call. FS rang yesterday at 11.30 or so for the interview! Fuck me! But the house phone and the internet weren’t working anyway so I couldn’t have called back then. I was trying to figure a way to call from inside this morning, but I just don’t trust this room. And of course, the freak is still here this morning. Oh well. I suppose it’s better to be out of the house anyway. Yesterday I went through the art supplies, to make a “Thank You” for Cathy and found some low-quality acrylic paint, black and white, that I can use on the barn siding for out back… to make it grey. But it’s supposed to rain today and tonight (too bad for their Friday night blow-fest… morons). I’ll see what I CAN do though. Keep up and awake for the day and NO 2am trips THIS evening! Once again, I’ve something to attend and I’m toast. – Before getting to bed, I made the grave error of checking the fesses-book and some shit-head took one of my posts wrong and came down on me, asking where I am, rather threatening. I got pissed and then simply blocked. People are really worthless any more. – Oddly enough, L. and I were chatting about similar and we seem to be in agreement: we’re glad to be “old” and on the way to the check-out counter. OH! But one thing that was said: I’d said “I’m not much of one to believe in a ‘god’ but I DO believe in ‘Karma’.” and he replied “B’s the same way, a huge believer in Karma.” Oh? Really? Well then, in that case, he must be prepared for the whammy to come. I doubt it all. I doubt it ALL. But… – So now I’m just waiting for coffee and smoke to kick in, which it’s doing… must run to the loo… RUN. – 9.49 Morning Emergency loo-run done. Time to get me together and out to the barn. – OH! One more note whilst I wait to make sure I’m “empty”: I managed to get the fountain pen working again! (I think I said, yesterday.) But I tried it this morning and it’s working! I’ll have to find some paper…write to Ev. I can write a letter again! So happy. – * AND SO HUNGRY * and worried about gas. – Note: L. said, last night, that there’s some function they could get tickets for but it’s in Essex, and they don’t have enough gas in the car for the trip. Ca ce peut tu? Freak-boy’s got money for weed and shit, no food, no medical, no gas expenses. OK. It pays the phone and internet. But it pays extra rent as well… so where’s the money honey? None of my business. J’m’en câlisse, moé. – 11.29 Form the barn: FS benefits to re-commence… hopefully tomorrow! Thank you Penelope! (Ca ce peut tu?) Meanwhile, the skies are grey and the freak is out with the dogs and the chipmunks are scurrying about the place. I’m off to “amuse” m’self here for a bit. Library opens at 14.00 and I have to get a form printed and out today for EEO. That said… FOOD is coming! (Now to worry about gas. Oh well… always something.) – 12.56 Nice morning in the barn!!!! FS INTERVIEW DONE! HOPING TO HAVE THEM POSTED BY TOMORROW MORNING! FOOD! (Too bad I don’t have gas to get to the Hannaford’s. But… all is not lost. FOOD! AT LAST! FOR A CHANGE! And… I repaired the door on the back barn. Put a piece of Cecil’s barn-siding across the top to block some of the elements AND another piece over the door to do like-wise. And this morning, the idea: I put the one little solar lite up in the top window… As a “reminder” as they’re back there, getting drunk and stoned and debauching… a reminder of who made it all possible. – Now… to get to work and get the money and find the place and GO! – The library opens at 14.00 today. I have to get that form in the post today so I’ll print and post then. – Meanwhile… I’m SO fucking weak now. Tired (I wonder why… hmpf) and just generally run-down. – It’s drizzling now, should rain through the night. But tomorrow night is supposed to be clear… there’ll be debauching fersher. Stray lightning? Hello? Karma? (The place is already cursed, as far as I’m concerned.) – 15.31 WELL!!!!! THE SHELDON SPRINGS OFFICE WILL BE CLOSED TOMORROW… BECAUSE… THEY HAVE NOBODY AVAILABLE TO OPEN AND RUN IT!!!!! I dropped the Thank You to Cathy at the Fuklin office and chatted with Rache. Seems the EEO thing? She claims she didn’t hear about it (but I planted the “retaliation” seed there) but Cindy keeps claiming that she did nothing wrong. Then Rache tells me she saw all the e-mails from Patty and the common consensus of opinion is that SHE should be screwed for lying. So… there we have it. But I have to smile about the Springs. AND… the way it works out is: The one in Highgate Springs will be moving over to Sheldon Springs, opening Highgate Springs, Diana is gone completely and nobody wants the Crique. So there. Rache has been converted so she’s back at Highgate. Things are a mess for them right now. And I’m not crying… for them. – Meanwhile, the freak’s showered today. I wonder what’s on for “them”… hmmm…. L. is still in bed. B. isn’t back from work yet and it’s raining. – I’ve done a little “barn-siding” “plaque” of sorts with my Hebrew initials and today’s Hebrew date on it. I’ll be affixing it to the inner wall of the back barn above the door. A little “memento” of who is responsible for THEIR enjoyment. And then… hopefully, the job will come through, followed by a nice flat in Richford or Champlain and I can get the actual fuck out of this state. I can hope. – Having my last 2 Ramen tonight. More hopefullys… food tomorrow. I’m really growing quite weak. Figures though… last minute… as usual. – 17.09 Just up from a nap because I almsot had an accident from the bowels. Feeling no better but having the last of the Ramen… this time with sugar. Let us hope. – OH! Checked the FS… 194 for the remainder of the month! That’s even more than what I was getting for the entire month! May they post soon! – And the rains area coming down….again. – 22.18 I GOT INVITED to go to a movie with HLS this evening. But truth: my stomach was churning after the Ramen and I needed a bit of a shower (and it’s a Jurasic Park flick… nah). So I declined. But he went solo! BRAVO! Fucking “husband” won’t do shit for anybody else… I comment no further. – So I decided to do a little “illumination” and try to start a letter to Ev! And I’ve done that! Got about a paragraph written. Enough for now on that. It’s late, I’m tired and need to get to sleep. I’m also SO FUCKING STARVING! and there’s NOTHING NOTHING truly NOTHING to eat! OH PLEASE let the FS post for tomorrow! Else… nothing until Monday. The REALLY tough days they are a-coming. – 23.11 I am so hungry right now that being tired is irrelevant. And the FS haven’t posted to the card. Now I’m worried they won’t get posted until Monday. And that too, is enough to keep me awake which does me no good. I need to just sleep this away. But I’m also worried about tomorrow… and the effects of hunger. And nobody knows. There’s ,75 of a tray of brownies in the kitchen. I ALMOST grabbed one, but they’re wrapped in cling and it rattles. Me and food… NEVER to be together. I just don’t understand it. Just don’t. Food… of all the things. OK. So it’s money too. But food… I’m hungry! Oh well. I’m having a peppermint candy now after a super-sweet tea. Sugar. I’ll be on the shitter first thing in the morning. – Time for sleep… I hope. And we’ll see what “magic”, if any, tomorrow morning will reveal. PLEASE!? FOOD! PLEASE!? – 10 more days until the post for Sheldon is done. I’m also hoping nobody goes for that! (With my luck, I’ll be popped out of that one… in spite.) – I could use a shower… but that’s my own fault. I didn’t grab when I could have done. Alas. Oh well. Tomorrow…. – It’s still raining. Maybe that’ll help with sleep. I can only hope.

Sat.13.Jun: 8.57 148FS!!! I can pay Mayhew’s today! AND, if I like, I can sit in Richford and have something to EAT! and DRINK! FOOD! (8,22$/day when you break it down though. Interesting. Sad… but interesting.) But it’s set my day nicer. (Now to hope I can get a couple bucks more from Brenda for gas.)Always something. – Therain stopped. I even had Bustello instant! And I’m off for a smoke. – 11.25 I went out back for a smoke, brought Dixie with and went to the back barn to see what of my work survived the rains. In the moment it took me to turn my back… she bolted. I’ve just walked the Square rd., saw her momentarily. She’s gone. And me? I just don’t give a fuck. I’m at the end of all of my patience with her. Done. Finished. No more trust. If she’s found by someone else? So be it. I take no responsibility. And I have no care left. I’d go look for her in the car, but I’ve only ,25 tank of gas and I need what I have to get food for me later. Nope. Not one little shit or fuck to give. Let Nature and Karma do as they will. – 11.33 Nature Fate and Karma… I look out the window and there’s a young girl walking Dixie down the road! A Gates! “I found her all the way up there, and was bringing her in to my mom to say ‘Look! I found a new pet!’” Oh well… fuck it. Day here is done. Nasty little thing, that Gates-thing. Arrogant. Oh well.. Typical… of ALL of them here. Fucking shits. – Dixie’s in the house. Nothing more to see here. – Meanwhile, this keyboard is fucking about with the space bar and such again. Annoying. – The door at the end of the hall is closed. The freak is seated in the parlour with the fucking Mexishit yipping. OH! To get back to work and OUT of here! – 17.46 FOOD FOOD FOOD EAT EAT EAT!!! and GAS GAS GAS!!! At about 14.30, I got up, went into the loo and into the SHOWER. Came out. Got dressed and by about 15.00 or so, I was OUT THE FUCKING DOOR! On the road to the place I call “Home”… RICHFORD! Weak as all shit and Hell, I drove, in the usual “Starvation Haze” until I got into town. That always makes me feel better. And even better yet… BRENDA! Delightedly, I asked for a sandwich, the 5$ size. Turkey, Swiss, lettuce, tomato, mustard, mayo. And she made a MEAL! I got 2 packs of smokes and she wouldn’t put the other 2 on, nor the MilkeyWay (so I’ll add it when I give her the cash I owe her). And… we chatted… and I chatted with the folks and hung about until Brenda had to get some things done round the store. It was WONDERFUL! Although… one bit of trepidation: “their” “friend” Mike passed and saw me. We chatted only briefly. He’s coming to the house tomorrow. How charming. No doubt, there’ll be mention of seeing me. Fuck these faggots anyway. But, so be it. No secret. I don’t give a shit. – Well… I ate an ice cream and the sandwich whilst in Richford. FOOD FOOD FOOD! Saved my potato salad until just now (as I type). But just that much made ALL the difference in the WORLD! My stomach’s not “right”, but it hasn’t been in days. But my body is recovering. I can actually FEEL it! Terrible, how that happens. But still, WHAT A RELIEF! to feel almost HUMAN again! – And so, off and down the road to Hannaford’s for… Portuguese rolls, apple turnovers, small tonic, V8!, cocktail sauce, franks, COFFEE!!!, 2 tins of diced mango and a box of PopTarts. FOOD FOOD FOOD! OK. I’m down to 90-something left for food for the rest of the month. But… FOOD FOOD FOOD!!! – Then, thanks to Brenda, I put gas into the car. GAS GAS GAS!!! She loaned me another 20 and ALL the stations are now up to 2,84/gal EXCEPT the Shell in Enosburg Falls… at 2,79! The 20 brought me up to ,75tank! GAS GAS GAS!!! So this evening… TWO BELLIES quite nicely full enough! And with the V8… this is quite nice. Tomorrow should be a rather delightful day (again) (as much as is possible in this shit-box shit-town). – WE… are delighted. – The rest of the house? The freak was in the kitchen when I got in. B. is back from where-ever. L. is some-where (parlour, no doubt). And of course, I walk in the door to the yipping and howling. Fucking shit-hole. – But I’m showered, dressed and back from “Home’ and eating and that’s that. (I probably should have gotten a Twisted Tea or two… but FOOD! I’m EATING! So I don’t whine.) – Soon… now that it’s already 18.00… time to get back into bed. Hopefully today’s lovely weather will hold and inspire “them” to get the fuck out to the “Blow-hole” in the back. Not, mind, that I give a shit. I’m going to bed soon. But … what-ever. – 20.00 and almost time to wrap this day and pack it away. Ah… my tummy is so FULL, it’s a pure delight. – The LLs are in their room. The freak is sleeping on the recliner in the parlour. I’m just up from a smoke. It would be a wonderfully perfect evening to do some planting… but I’d have to shower and that would mean 2 in the same evening and we don’t want to do that. So… I’ll be crawling under the covers, finding a video and calling it a day and forgetting about it. Ah… but tonight I go to sleep with good nutrition. Can’t whine about that. – I hope they find those escapees soon. I don’t dare to go to Bedford until they do. It’s difficult enough with-out that shit. And some guy at the store today told of his recent trip into NY: stopped FOUR times as soon as he crossed into NYS. Nope… not subjecting myself to that nonsense. I swear they’re doing it to waste tax money. Those escapees are FAR gone from here by now. But the local “authorities” are using it as an excuse to make themselves appear “great” and to throw tax money into the wind. Ah… this country. Thankfully I’m in my last days in it and in this World. Time… just a matter of time now. – 22.27 All ready for bed at 20.00 and… COULDN’T FIND THE PHONE! I was convinced that I hadn’t brought it with me to Richford, had left it on the bed and the freak took it. But then, I thought, perhaps I’d dropped it in the car. So I got dressed again, strolled up to the car and there it was, on the front passenger’s seat. Small town… phone on the seat in an unlocked vehicle… perfectly fine. Go figger. – Back into the house, a chat with HLS about flowers and the mock orange (which will be propagated this week no doubt) and Dixie’s adventure today, which led to a smoke and another chat. And now… 22.30, in bed, tarp up on the door and the freak’s phone clinging away… even through the tarp. Fucking fagfreak! If it wasn’t for moving so far South again… The Shelter was about the same, yet better, because I didn’t have anybody screaming AT ME, nor people talking about me as if I were a piece of shit. – Soon… very soon. I’ve resolved to keep as much as is needed… as much as *I* need to get out of here when I’m back to work and get the fuck out FAST! It’s time to stop considering others and consider me. Besides… they can’t come after me… unless they want more trouble than they’ve already had… and they might still get some because I’m neither forgiving nor forgetting, nor am I dismissing the freak’s last out-break in the yard. Unless things turn quite nice for me leaving, THAT one is going SO DOWN when I’m away from here. SO SO DOWN! – And now? Sip a bit of tonic, see what video I can find for 45 minutes or so and to sleep. I’d like to get some things done tomorrow. It’s supposed to rain on Monday again… good timing for transplantings! – (Ive got the tarp on the door and an ear-bud in and at 22.36 I can still hear that fucking phone over there. I wonder how L. puts up with that shit.) –

Sun.14.Jun: (9 more days of the Sheldon post!) 8.12 It’s not exactly a “perfect” morning, but indeed, I feel better than I have in a great long while. FOOD! What a difference a bit of food makes. – A bit on the damp and slightly over-cast side, but not a bad day, all told. – And B. is awake, the washer is running. Dirty clothes tossed to the bottom of the stairs. – I’d posted to the fesses-book, at almost mid-night (yes, I stayed up too late) a blurb about the freak’s phone jangling into the night (which I heard even through the double tarp, the fucking moron), and suddenly heard somebody meandering about in the hall… the volume went down. I wonder. I also learnt that that little freak has a new account and it wasn’t blocked! It is now! Still, my “settings” are such that only certain people see the account. Not, mind, that I trust “settings”. Still, this morning, I heard the tinkling across the hall… at a lower volume. Fucking freak. There’s NO reason for that volume all through the night. But… none of my business. I’m rather curious as to when I’ll be hearing about my soc.med. postings… and I’ve no doubt that I shall. Fukkem! Fukkemall. – Meanwhile, I’ve got a project or 2 I want to work on today: a gate of sorts for the back between the barns, and perhaps some tansplantings. We shall see. I’ve eaten, have nourishment, proper nourishment at that. I’m just waiting for yesterday’s to come through, as it were, then… OUT! – 9.40 A REPLY… FROM MTL… TO THE ADVERT ON Craiglist! Verdun or Lachine I think. I’ve responded. – Haven’t had the loo-run yet but am gulping a delightful second instant coffee and heading out the door! Sunshine and I want OUT! – 17.04 The gate is up between the barns, in the back. It took a bit longer than I’d anticipated, it isn’t “LOVELY”, but it’s functional and it’s there. Moved on to the front, as Mike arrived. Mowed and then “cleaned” the front flower-bed. Was just finishing when Mike left so I was still working as he left. L. made mention of the wild flowers I transplanted that are coming back and Mike said that it looked good. I told him I enjoy doing it because it annoys the rest of the town because I “make the rest look bad”. Tahdah. And he left, I swept and dumped the weeds on the pile in the back over the drain. – As I was coming in, the freak was putting their dinner on the grill out back. Me? I’m in the room, 2 franks warming in the mug. 2… so that the package lasts a bit longer. There’s FOOD. I’m good. Tired. But good. – Now to check to see if “Alex” got back on my nyvtqc advert. I wonder if it’s the Alex from fesses-book. How funny would THAT be! Eh? – 18.58 SHOWERED! And replied to another note from “Alex” who is Alexandra, in Verdun. Ca ce peut tu? I’m a bit leery, but, we shall see. – Meanwhile, “they” just returned… and are planting “more flowers in the front”. Something MORE to mow round. But I don’t give a shit. I won’t be doing it much longer… one way or another. Oh, how I wish I could just get back to work, get the money, get the place and get the actual fuck out FAST! If there’s any mercy in ALL of Creation, it will be so. If not (which is what I believe), it will be yet another pain in the friggin bowels. But… sooner or later… no me to abuse. –

Mon.15.Jun: 9.14 AND JUST WAKING UP! WTF? I went to sleep at 23.00 last night set the alarm for 7.00 this morning, slept through it! Anxieties! If not in general, because of the Postal Service, AND because of this shit-hole. Need to GO! – Overcast this morning. Let’s see what’s to become of it. I’m off for a smoke. – 9.25 Just up from a smoke and… as I as coming back in, the phone! The freak’s not in by the way. Jackie! Oh. its Monday… and it’s starting out this way. It annoys me, the phone. It wakes the sleeping. Oh! Not to be here. Please! – 17.47 Just having my PopTarts after my 2 franks on rolls. WHAT a DAY! – Got over to Jackie at about 10.00 and she was already in the run. So I jumped in and we got a row of squash, 3 rows of cucumbers and 4 rows of corn planted today! At about 13.30, we took a break, had Coke and chicken salad sandwich for lunch and finished planting the corn. And we chatted and enjoyed the day. WOW! I got to toss in a “reality check” comment about here. Nothing much said… just enough to let it be known and remembered. – She says she’s planting for herself and those who need or want the food, come the season. She’s told me already that I’m more than welcome to help myself in return for all the work and help. Well, of course I already know who’ll benefit… the skags. But, so be it. Once again, I work for the pleasure of others. I starve and they grow fat. May they choke on my labour, that’s all I’ll say. – Meanwhile, I need a shower! And before I get into bed, I’ll have one. – Still… the “farming” work was a delight! – Now PLEASE GET ME BACK TO WORK AND OUT OF HERE! – thank you. – 18.41 SHOWERED! In my clean jeans and on the bed, to have tea, 2 more PopTarts, perhaps a last smoke and to end this day… with thoughts:
•As you enjoy your dinners, corn, squash and salads and such, remember who put in the work so you could feed your fat faces… and who got nothing to eat from THIS garden nor the last one I worked on… for you.
•As you enjoy your drunken suck-fests in the fire-light, remember who placed the wheel rim, dug the little pit, dragged the bricks from the brook to build the fire-ring up… and remember how many evenings YOU enjoyed yourselves and didn’t even bother to mention, let alone invite.
•And remember who cut and stacked the fire-wood, who broke-down the old furniture, cut limbs then cut the wood to size… by hand… so that you could sit on your drunk and stoned arses and enjoy it.
•And whilst you’re remembering, remember too who you called all sorts of filthy names, about whom you lied and even twisted half-truths against.
•And as you remember, think of who wishes you no well at all, in return for your miserable bull-shit.
Thoughts.
23.53 A few hours of illuminated manuscripts, some mangoes, tea and a last smoke with HLS. The tarp is up on the door and I’m finished for the day. – “And as you remember….” Freaks.

Tue.16.Jun: 7.14 DREAM***
I WENT BACK TO THE SHELTER! (Is this premonitory? Or a take on current conditions? I wonder… sternly.)
It was a contemporary building. New. Freshly painted. Cinder-block. Painted in pale blue walls, white ceilings, tiled floors. The stairwells were pale yellow. Each floor was set-up more like a hospital, with a centralised desk area with CaseWorkers and security guards, cook staff and the likes. Old, heavy wooden desks, like the one at the Walker Valley PO. People walking all round except the security guards and CaseWorkers who stayed, for the most part, at the desks. There was an air of “order” about the place. The usual din of chatting, mixed with the usual few who spoke at a “yell”, but ordered chaos. I got to a lift and decided to take the stairs. Some-how it was familiar. I’d been in this one before, some-how. When I got to the 5th floor, where, in the dream, I’d been assigned and I knew this already some-how, there were familiar faces. The head of security on the 5th floor was Elise (Gordon… from Calvary!). When she saw me she smiled, in a “forced” smile, and politely said “I knew you’d be back. What took you so long?” and she went immediately to the paper-work, presumably to process me back in. There was really nothing I had to do. My dossier was already there, at that desk. She merely had to jot notes and I was free to wander. And I did, all through the corridors. There was a cafeteria on each floor and I was hungry, so I went in search of where and how to get something to eat. But as I passed the dining area, the tables were empty and there was only red jello with whipped topping, many little containers, stacked on stainless steel shelves. The cook-staff was gathering, as if the residents had done, it was their turn to eat, and I was too late to get anything. Somebody called for a resident to come eat. But I knew that I was too late. There’d be nothing to eat now. So I kept walking, to explore. I knew and yet didn’t know where my room was, but I thought that I had enough time to walk about, check the place, and perhaps go have a smoke. – In one corridor, as I turned a corner, “Eunice” (who was now, still, the “Director”) passed, with her usual stern and sour visage. She looked at me with rather disdain and quietly said “I can’t believe they’d let you back in. Fuck.” I replied “You mean you can’t believe they’d keep me out for so long. Talk like that will get you up in front of an arbitrator.” “Um… no… I don’t think so.” was her reply. And she continued along, in the company of some guys I knew to be her “body guards”. She still wasn’t much liked round the place. – I headed down the stairs, to go out for a smoke. The stairwells were clean, freshly painted, pale yellow walls with pale grey steps. They were empty for the most part, but I passed some groups of residents from time to time. As I went down, I realised that I had nothing to wear for night-wear, pyjamas, as it were. At first I was a bit panicked but then I didn’t really care any more and I continued to the first floor where, on arrival, it was night, and raining as I could see through the windowed walls. I realised that I didn’t have my pack of smokes, that I’d left them at the desk, on the 5th floor. I turned to go back up, and up, and up. The walk up seemed to take much longer than the walk down. At about the 3rd floor, I felt drops, a few, of rain coming into the stairwell. “Leak in the roof.” I thought. “The rain’s coming into the building. I wonder if the roof leaks or is somebody out on the roof.” (*Association at this juncture: the newness, cleanliness, the pale colours, the “leak”… the “Park Ave” shelter in The Bronx when we had to evac from 30th Street?) When, at last, I made it to the 5th floor, it was difficult to find the place where I could get my smokes back. I couldn’t find Security, they were away from the desks, and the CaseWorkers would have no idea that I’d had any smokes to begin with. And I wondered if they hadn’t confiscated them, being prohibited from smoking anywhere at all in or near the Shelter. I began to worry: I’ve no sleep-wear, now I’ve no smokes, will they let me out of the building to smoke or will curfew be imposed now and once in, we’re not permitted to leave until a certain hour each day? Had things changed this much since I was here last? Suddenly, it all went from mostly familiar to very new, different and strange. As I walked about, looking for my pack of smokes, seeing some some-what familiar faces, knowing that they’d been in the Shelter for years, I woke.
DREAM END
And I woke only mere moments before the 7.00 alarm. Put water on the boil for coffee, had my 1 Vit.C. as I’m doing these days to conserve. Had my coffee, took the tarp down and as I opened the door, the freak… not there… in the loo. Gee… ANOTHER appointment… free ride this morning? I don’t care. None of my business. I went down, had my smoke. This morning commences. It’s a bit over-cast, no rain, no sign that there’d been any. I was planning on rain today, writing to Ev, perhaps getting back to editing the D.A. blog. But with-out rain… not that it makes any difference. I could be here… or not… and it wouldn’t be noticed. Oh well. – But this DREAM bothers me this morning. As I ask: Premonitory or my mind trying to assimilate the conditions of tarp over door, furniture against for protection, the dull affect with which I’m addressed by B&L? Only time will tell… Time… and I hope there isn’t all that much of that left round the old place. – Coming in from the smoke I thought: “”Altruist”, that’s what I am, still, again, always. An “Altruist”. Last year, I cleaned and tilled the little garden out back, prepared the little seed-starters. They went, bought the seeds, kept them in a bag on the table and the bag disappeared. I was, at first, rather happy, thinking they’d enjoy the garden, plant and get some pleasure out of it. Ah… but then… for weeks, nothing. And when they did plant, it was hither-and-yon and such and then they walked away, expecting (as usual) that somebody else would maintain. I did, to a point, but even then, at that, I got 1 each: cucumber and tomato out of all that they’d planted. And those were snuck on days when I was cutting wood, disassembling old furniture and generally busting my arse working back there. Oh well… Then comes this year and the gardening with Jackie… again, I expect to get nothing from this work either, hoping with heart and soul, to be out of the house and away from town. “Altruist”… work, toil and for nothing… not even a “thanks”… Don’t do it for the ‘thanks’… there are no ‘thanks”. She, my Mum, knew… all those years ago. – 7.51 already. I could use a shit now. I wonder if I can get access to the loo. Hmm…. I need to file my finger nails and the toes need trimming too this morning. Well, there’s a little something to occupy the time. And “time” is here to get busy. – 8.03 Semi dressed and ready to take on the day… some-what. And gone to the loo. How nice: not simply water and mucous. A nice change. – The freak is back in bed. HLS is, of course, still there. And me? Pondering a day’s activities that won’t require cleaning after… no shower… until Thursday at soonest. – 10.18 I’d set the alarm for about 18 minutes and went right back to sleep for another hour. I have to wonder why it is that I’m so easily fatigued, and so shortly after a full night’s sleep. Depression and anxieties, no doubt. Depression and anxieties. – 18.55 Just in from a smoke and the cutest little hummie came flying about the yard, stopped on the clothes line so I could get a beautiful look at the ruby throat! Just amazing. But sadly, it had looked for the feeder which isn’t there any longer. I suppose I should put it back up for them. Perhaps tomorrow… for Mum. – Meanwhile, I broke down earlier today and went to the store for cheese (Meunster) and rolls and donuts. I was so hungry! It rained most of the day so I was in, but hunger struck and I ate. Then, later, 2 franks on rolls. I’ve eaten today. – Now, for some reason, I feel like I’m breaking-down some-how. Achy, feverish, ick and yuck. Tired. Looking forward to getting to bed. It’s been a quiet day. – I’m on page 2 of the letter to Ev. A recount of the 4 years here, with highlights of the “events” that have made it… shitty. I wonder if I’ll post it when done. Probably. If for no other reason: I wrote it! – The house is quiet for now. B&L in the parlour. The freak in the room across the hall. – My gut is starting to kick about. I wonder why. The sky is clearing though. Tomorrow is supposed to be clear and hot again. Ah… the delights. – Several comments on the fesses-book and a delightful “You truly are and always will be a Montrealer.” How wonderful is that to hear? Hello? Verdun? Perhaps. – Will finish up the day and be in bed by 20.00 no doubt, and hopefully to sleep the night away. Tomorrow… is the beginning of the “Down Season”. It happens. Perhaps I’ll get to the store for food. Perhaps to Mayhew’s. We shall see.

Wed.17.Jun: 82 years ago… 5.28 Ca ce peut tu? I woke at 5.00, on my own. No alarm. – Woke to see B’s car out front and figured it was another day off for some reason. Had my coffee and went down for a smoke as he was leaving, via the back door. He left, I had my smoke. The barn thermo reads 40°F this clear morn. The grass is wet, the dew is running off the roof. I looked over toward the Highgate rd. to see the sun just touching the distant hill. Mr. G’s, in the morning, as the sun rises and touches on the distant hill. The morning Liz and I stayed the night, to have coffee in the morning, and she marvelled at how beautiful it truly is (was) out there in Washingtonville. Truthfully, I don’t think I much needed seeing that this morning. But I did. But I wonder why I saw that this morning. The memories. The memories of all that’s past, and gone. – 82 years. Mama wasn’t cursed with living to this age, growing old, perhaps being a widow. She was blessed with having escaped this miserable place. – I thought: she’d probably like coming up here for Summers. I wondered: if she’d lived, would *I* be any different? Better job and such. And then the reality set in: Truth be told, it truly is that I don’t “participate” in “life”… I just muddle through, with-out any real interest in any of it, doing only what’s necessary. Observing, for the most part, finding it all fascinating that others feel themselves so important, and not realising that eventually, they, like all, will be gone, and what they’ve done and thought will ultimately make no difference to anything else except if they inflict great damage, in which case, they’ll be well-remembered. Me, on the other hand, I remember the great things accomplished by people, the kind things, those things that mean little-to-nothing to the vast and frightening majority of people on this Earth. And all the while, I wait… hoping for the moment when I can finally leave this shit… hoping that it will be on my own terms: to lie down, in peace and rot away, leaving no mark anywhere at all… just… GO! Be gone. Away. – Wednesday, 17 June, 2015. 2015… what horror have I inflicted upon this Earth that I should deserve a “Life” sentence… the punishment of being “alive”? I’ll never understand, never know. I’ll just “be”… until I no longer am. – Last night, I watched a 2-hour documentary on the “reef” life of Burma. I was in bed by 20.00 but to sleep by about 22.30. 22.30 until 5.00 this morning. Before going to sleep, I put the tarp back up on the door. It doesn’t cut out the tinkle-shit from across the hall, but it must cut it down a touch. Still, I can hear it. It annoys me. I wonder how it doesn’t bother them… B&L, down the hall. And I find it remarkably inconsiderate and selfish of the freak to keep the phone running through the night, at full volume, to hear “alarms” connected to some “game”, which means the phone is connected to the Internet all night, polling and pulling bandwidth. And me? I cut the connection so as not to do so. And yet, *I* am the one who has to hear the “You don’t do nothing….” Ah… indeed… a “Life” sentence. Worse than a “Death” sentence. Much worse. – I need to get the garbage out this morning. I’m just biding my time. 6.00 is a good hour to pull it. I’ve a large black bag here. Too large in fact. I can only hope for enough room in the barrels. Oh well. If not, it’ll go into the barn. Just must get it out of this room. It’s too much at this point. – 5.48 and the sun is coming up o’er yon hill and pouring in through the window. Pouring… indeed. – 9.33 (close to 19.33?) the garbage and recyc went out at about 6.00. I’m in jeans and that’s about it. Put a little more on the letter to Ev and a few postings to the fesses-book. There are things I’d like to do, but I don’t have the “inspiration” as it were. Should put the hummie feeder back up… need fresh sugar though I think. Oh well. We’ll see where this day goes. – 14.44 FOUR pages, hand-written, posted to Ev just now. HAND-written with the fountain pen. How wonderful! And on Mama’s birthday. How good it would have been to send a letter to her. But… this is “life”. It’s shit. – *I* brought the trash barrels to the “garage” on my way back into the house. The freak put them in. No doubt I’ll hear about being lazy for not putting them into the garage. But you know? FUKYOO! – And now… a bit of tea and perhaps out back to check the “garden”. I’m beginning to feel the 5.00 awake this morning. But I won’t give in and nap. Tomorrow might be another day in the garden next door and I need to be rested and awake. – I could use some more food stuffs. 2 franks and a tin of mango left. Tomorrow I’ll need smokes. Hopefully Brenda will be there and I can make the trip. – I hear the “C” won’t be back in Highgate until 2 July! That’s NOT “good news” as far as employment is concerned. BUT, I also hear that Sheldon Springs will be closed every Saturday until they hire somebody. So, maybe… just maybe. Next Friday ends a pay period. The posting comes down on Monday next. Who knows? We shall see. I can hope. If I started right away, the first pay won’t be until 17 July!!!! I want to be out of here by then! Well… there’s always Verdun… that’s going to be difficult with the few things I have, but still. Again… we shall see. And hey! If they want to make life miserable? They’ll have to take it to court and admit to receiving income not claimed. I don’t think so… – Meanwhile… a letter. The first since 1987. Posted. – 15.59 Curtis’ daughter came to mow the lawn so I moved the table and swing and did that section so it’s even. Trimmed the back a bit, nothing much. I won’t do much any more for these shits. But it’s done. And I come in, the freak is cooking and their door is closed. Well… let’s see when the next “Curtis came through!” fucking remark is made. – Now I’m sweating… I didn’t want to be sweating today. Tomorrow? Yes. Today? No. But it’s done. Fukkitall. – 18.21 Nap time or nightie-night (provided that Mexishit shuts the actual fuck the fuck up!). Tired. 4 smokes. No energy nor ambition to head to Richford. Nothing left to eat. Tired. Let’s see what happens if I crawl under the covers. Hopefully… sleep until at least 6.00 tomorrow… PLEASE? – PS: Bobo was sitting on the swing earlier and mentioned my “push mowing the grass”. so he saw.. Fine. – 20.43 At about 18.00 I was under the covers and trying for sleep but the freak’s Mexishit yipped and howled and broke the sleep. I’m awake now, just up from a smoke, leaving me with only 3 for the day tomorrow. And there’s a mint brewing beside me. I’ve had it with this shit. I so truly have. That think is going to get a beating every time it makes a sound when they’re gone. If I can’t instill respect, I’ll instill fear. As for the freak? Oh, that’ll be my fun when I leave this hole. – Now? A little more internet and hopefully to sleep through the night. – As I sat this evening, having my smoke, I thought: what a shame I didn’t quit at the age of 50. What a shame I didn’t quit at the age of 55. At 55 this would have been “the year”. Although, with the pains and heaviness in my lung, I wouldn’t be surprised if this doesn’t prove to be my year anyway. I can hope. But… if nothing else happens before, August… finished. If the clock runs as usual… 65… I’ve been on 5 years “borrowed” thus far. 10 is the max. I just need to find a nice little place… solo… and go! It’s time to plot more seriously now… time… now… seriously. – 23.04 Last smoke and then to try again for sleep! This is bullshit!

Thu.18.Jun: 7.11 Up from a smoke and realised: I wake, these days, feeling very similar to the way I’d felt in the Shelter… fatigued. As if I’d half-slept through the night. Not really a relaxing, refreshing sleep. I’m not really “sleeping” again. Always on the alert. Last night I moved the little half-gate to the door, not so much to block as to make some noise, should somebody try to open the door. I go to sleep with that on my mind, like the lock-in-the-sock awareness. Time to go. But like the Shelter, can’t afford it. – 4 more days until the postings come down. And the hope that they need somebody quickly enough to simply say “Hired”. We can only wait this out. – In a few hours, it’s back to the garden next door. It keeps me busy, gives me something to “do”, and the company helps Jackie. Then, this evening, I’m off to Mayhew’s… food and smokes. Things to “do”. – My chest feels “compressed” this morning. It felt that way last night too. Anxiety or…? No telling. And I don’t want to know. If it’s just anxiety, I can work on that. If something other… I don’t care. – 7.18 The freak’s on the phone already, chatting away. At this hour. Hmm…. – 9.41 and off to dress and garden. So much for THIS morning. – 21.43 It was QUITE the day! Out the door (at 9.45) and got to the barn, no Jackie out back. So I puttered a bit in the “garden” until she arrived, round about 10.15 or so and we got right to work. The fellow who rents there joined us with his little guy and we laid more plastic, planted 3 rows: carrots, radishes, beets, then a break for lunch, Jackie and I, chicken salad on whole-grain toast and Coke. After lunch, 2 rows of pumpkins. It was SO HOT today! But we got it done. It took until almost 15.00. Jackie had brought the car for inspection and they didn’t pass it. The rear passenger window doesn’t work (never did but she never had any trouble with inspection before… I told her to go to the guy in Sheldon who inspected the Subaru) but they’d opened it and never tried to close it again! I got it closed! (And good thing too… the rain is back tonight! Ca ce peut tu? Her car would have been soaked! Bastards!) Anyway… she went on an errand and I came back to the house to shower… I HAD TO GET TO RICHFORD TODAY! – When I got into the house, the freak was in the kitchen, L. had gone to a medical appointment. So I told the freak “You’re all gonna eat very well come the harvest season!” and then proceeded to elaborate with Jackie telling me to take what I wanted because I’m working so hard planting. I told the freak “I told Jackie that I don’t see me even being in Vermont come the harvest season. So it’s settled: YOU are going to have to go over there to get what you need. She specifically said she’s not harvesting but since I’m doing the work, there’s food to be taken. So YOU’LL have to make sure YOU go to get it.” *** More than just veggie “seeds” have been planted. I KNOW this will get back to HLS and Bobo… and I welcome it. Telefaggot. *** I then went up and SHOWERED! TWICE-LATHERED! – Came into the room, got dressed and headed out the door. Left my number at the house, got into the car and took a most delightfully casual drive… to RICHFORD! – WELL! When I got to the store, Paula (I think) was working. Brenda took the day off! I was a bit nervous about whether Paula would ring the smokes and Twisted Tea, but I just went along as normal and indeed… I’ve got my smokes and I’m having a tea as I type! And we talked. And she remembered that I’d gone to NY and asked how things are now and we talked and had a wonderful time for a couple of hours! I LOVE being back in Richford. Truly. – I also got a potato and a pasta salad, and a couple chocolate pies. Cost me a bit more, but hey! No complaints. (I’ll have to watch until the end of the month now. But better to spend it there at the store.) – The drive back was equally nice… calm… casual. I took the Middle rd both ways, cutting down on the mileage. Saved the gas. Very nice and good indeed. – When I got back, B. was in and apparently they’d already eaten. I chatted nicely for a while and came up to the room to EAT! The salads were, of course, wonderful and filling. And I felt SO GOOD… showered and having gone to Richford. Ever so pleasant. And some-how, the chatting in the parlour went particularly nice… I wonder what the freak told them. Hmmm… Don’t give a shit though. Let’s see what comes o’er the week-end. – This evening, had a smoke with HLS and a nice chitty-chat out back. Ellie rolled in a magotty dead baby bird so they’ll be sleeping with that in the bed tonight! Ewwww… as they say. No my progleng.. as the “Latinos” say. – Oh… on fesses-book? Pamela gave me her telephone number (in Ohio I believe) and offered a spare room that she and her son have in their place! She’s 59 and some-how “disabled”. But still… How kind and wonderful that she should offer! Just kind and wonderful! (I haven’t heard from Alexandra Verdun though… I don’t expect to but…) How kind of some people. – SO B. and the freak went to bed and L. and I sat up a while. B. phoned at about 21.20 to ask that L. come up to bed and that wraps the day as the storms come rolling in, with the intermittent POURING rains fall. I’m in bed, tarp on the door, having my choco pie and Twisted Tea. By this time next week I should know what’s to come at the PO and in a couple of weeks… if there’s any grace in Creation… OUT OF HERE! – 22.06 and the fucking dog (Ellie, I think) is barking in the hall. I SO want out of here and away!!! SO SO SO out of here and AWAY AWAY AWAY! – As the thunder rolls. (I hope nobody comes to the door… but if they do and they discover the tarp, I’ll simply tell them the truth… at least part of it… ‘to block the tinkling all fucking night’. – 24.27 Got locked in chats on fesses-book! Pondering a final smoke. Probably will then. Tomorrow’s going to be a bitch waking in time to wash the garden clothes! Oh well then.

Fri.19.Jun: 0.28 How sad. this year, I’ve NO desire to be HOME for the 24th. BUT, I HAVE found my “final place” and HOME. Planned and plans and planned plans! WOOHOO! I’m ready… to GO! – 7.08 A little load of wash is in. I had to run the machine through a quick “wash” with some bleach because what-ever they washed the last time left bit of remnants in there. I’m not about to take the chance of having my things ruined… again. So in about 30 minutes or so… to the dyer because it’s looking like a day of down-pours. Oh well. The clothes got filthy from planting THEIR food. – I woke moments before the 6.35 alarm this morning. Ca ce peut tu? I had the most horrid time trying to get to sleep too. – There was a bit of a DREAM that I woke from:
I was in school or something, in The City (New York? or some other city). A new job of some kind and new place to live, yet a city I knew, that I was a part of, lived in before or something. I was nervous about the new places but friends were leaving, going else-where. End of the school year or something of the sort. We were all quite happy and manic, laughing and running about. I saw them all off to trains and busses, running about, laughing and such. And just before I woke, they all scattered, running off to their modes of transport out and away and as they disappeared, I suddenly got that “empty” feeling, that “alone” feeling, and I started to fall into that “anxiety” attack, similar to those that I’d experienced in Richford, at the house, when Silas would leave me alone. Just as it became heavy and almost crushing, as it does, I woke.
OK. So what was THAT all about? I wonder. – Meanwhile, it’s going to be some kind of day. I really must get to the market to get food. Yesterday only covered yesterday. And going to market will be the only thing to get me out of the house because of the rain. And… I really don’t have anything else that needs to be done today. I’m rather hoping that they all get into the chariot and off to the Walmarde or something, this evening. But because that’s what I’d LIKE, that’s probably what they WON’T do. (And I’ll hear the old “We don’t have the money.” line). Alas. But I’ll see what I can salvage of the day. I usually do. – It’s to be interesting… on less than 6 hours’ sleep. – 7.23 Just calc’ed: 1950 owed in rent. I would truly like to bash some faces down to the PO today!!!!! – 12.30 Laundry done. Sunny skies. I took a nap for an hour (to make up for lost last night). Second coffee. Dressed in the CLEAN camos. And now to market before the day is done! – 17.29 OK then…. I got to the market. 17$ and change and coffee, franks, rolls, and Little Debs. Not much for all that! But I got to the market AND I had 2 franks on a roll for “meal”… and am on my 5th and 6th swiss rolls. Tralalalafuk. They all 3, went out to shop, of course, I heard L. call to the freak that they would shop and grab something to eat. May they choke. Alas. BUT… it gave me time to get at those boots I’ve been waiting for! And was it ever worth the 5 minutes it took! I’m SO much better now… indeed. Just before that, I manged to fill the water bottles, rinse the P-bottles AND HOOVER this dump! Accomplished little after-noon. Didn’t do shit-else though. And frankly, I don’t give a shit. – Then to sit and eat with AlloAllo. Just in from a smoke and a run to the wood pile. Surprise! I hope they stay out late enough so that their “Friday” is tomorrow and that tomorrow they have a “Friday on Saturday”. “Surprise”. I’m fed up with this shit. – Looked at places in NY listed on crgslst too. Some very nice places, relatively affordable over there. I can only begin to HOPE now. – And now… I’m settling in for another episode of AlloAllo until it’s time to call this day “Fukked”. – I can’t help but smile when I think that the freak might take this opportunity to discuss my comment about not being in Vermont for harvest season. I hope the freak does. Unless it already has and nobody’s saying anything… until they’re all drunk and stoned. We shall see… indeed. – 21.50 In bed, in sweats and the sleeping bag on. Last night was so warm and humid that even the afghan was a bit much. HLS and I just came up from a smoke and the thermo is reading close to 40! A nice night for sleeping… I hope. I’ve got the gate across the door. Hopefully I won’t need the tarps. But in any case, what a pleasure to be CLEAN and SHOWERED! YAY! And a Twisted Tea too. – The came in from shopping and the house was quiet all evening. HLS is headed to bed already too. Amazing. Well.. hopefully they’ll “fire” tomorrow night. I can’t wait. Teehee. – 23.33 goodnight. Watched a couple of Nature videos, had my tea. And now it’s time to close this day. Close this one and hope it’s the last.

Sat.20.Jun: 7.35 Woke before the 7.00 alarm to brilliant sun-shine at the window. Just up from a smoke. Another day… commences. I need to wake in another place… not here. – 2 more days and the PO posting comes down. 2 more days. – 11.13 lazed about for the most part. Time to get up and “do” something. Not sure what, but something to get out of the house… into the air and sun… and away… I wish I could work on the rust on the car but I don’t DARE bring it into the yard! Shit… I don’t DARE anything. Oh well… soon and very soon… I hope. – 22.44 I actually got INVITED to “fire” this evening! I intended to go for moments (mostly to “experience” the burning of the wood) but ended up staying until about 22.00 when B&L came in. The freak was already fucked up before the fire and I ignored that completely. At one point, there was mention of buying something, citonella oil or some such thing… B. mentioned bill-paying tomorrow, L. mentioned buying something for 8$ plus shipping before bill-paying and the freak went right into the “10 days” wait until the next income. OH! And HLS metioned the back part of the yard not being mowed and how it would be too late to mow it with a regular mower at this point. THEY NEVER GO BACK THERE! Bobo said something about not mentioning it to Curtis because of payments due for plowing this Winter and the freak said “He should be paid-up for all that, We paid him… at least I paid him already.” So “shit” comes out… there’s money coming into the house and flying all over the place. Not, mind, that this isn’t already “known”. There’s no telling WHERE the money goes… none of my business anyway, but I mention it here. I still recall having busted MY arse to put the place together so that they could get and “equity loan” and they no sooner got it and that very night, Bobo over-drew the account by TWO GRAND! SNAP! So… it’s none of my business. But I’m now ready for the next barrage of “You don’t pay…” etc. and I leave the ramifications of that to Fate… Karma… – As for the night at the fire… I stood for all of it, in spite of being invited to sit. At one point, I sat on the bench… and the remark was “Oh, you’d rather sit on your couch.” Fuck you all. “MY” couch? It’ll be there LONG after I’m gone from here…. fuck off, the lot of you. – And I declined the drinks as well. But it did serve a purpose: nothing said about me leaving. Though B. asked if I’d gotten word from the PO and when I said that the posting comes down on Monday, he “appeared” all understanding. Oh well anyway. The freak went back into the house before the rest of us. Still, I can’t and won’t be “comfortable” there, at the fire, at the pit that I rather built, on the lawn that I rather manage, but the little garden that I maintain and in which I planted today. – And oh… of all the people to notice of all the things, HLS noticed the little solar light in the upper-most window of the barn! When mentioned, I excused it by saying it wasn’t working and I just happened to leave it there. Bobo asked “You put another window in up there?” and HLS replied “No, the window was there, he put one of those little lights in it.” I brushed it all away by saying that it was “The crazy old aunt, locked in the barn alone.” which sent the chat off on how L’s aunt died in October, the whole town knew and yet nobody told him. He’s truly on the “outs” with ALL of them. I told him of my niece living in NH, nephew dying and I found out on the internet. Not that it makes any difference… to me, them nor anybody else. But I mentioned. – Today, I put in 2 more ferns from the brook and some irises from back there as well. It looks quite nice by the bench! I hope the transplants take well. There’s to be rain tonight and tomorrow so that’ll help, I hope. – That’s all I did, really, but I went net store for crisps and soda and 2 small ice creams and had the ice creams and 2 franks for “meal” this evening and then SHOWERED! YAY me! – B&L had a charming day at St. Albans bay… a little dinner or what-ever. How romantic for them. – I’d brought mint in for tea this evening but when I poured the water over it, the leaves turned black! I dumped it. Having tonic instead. – Well… the day is done. I hope I can sleep through the night. Tomorrow? MAYBE to Mayhew’s. There’s 25 left on the FS card and 10 days to go before more. 2 franks left. But there’s coffee! YAY! and some swiss rolls left. So? We shall see. And I just opened the other pack of smokes. I can only hope. – OH! DIXIE HAS LEARNT HOW TO OPEN THE KITCHEN DOOR! Brilliant little thing that she is. LOVE HUH!

Sun.21.Jun: 9.32 DREAM
It was night. A white flat, maybe an attic flat, with low ceilings, and the slanted walls, VERY narrow halls. Lights were on all over. It was quite light in the place and yet rather dark. It was Cyndi’s place and I was there, because that’s where I was staying, or residing, stuck, having no place else to go to or be for some reason. I was feeling cramped, claustrophobic, as it were. Always having difficulty breathing and being comfortable. In most areas, I had to hunch over to avoid the ceilings, and the halls were so narrow that I could barely make my way through. There were spots, or small areas where I could actually stand, but to get to them, I knew that there were areas where I had to almost crawl along, under the tight areas where the ceilings were maybe about a metre from the floor. There was to be some kind of party or function that evening. I had a “tablet” that I was listening to my music from, and I was searching for some music to listen to so that I could avoid paying attention to my discomfort of being in that place, never being able to actually breathe, and thinking of being “stuck” there. – Alzira came to the house and I had to crawl and squeeze to get to the door to let her in. She was a friend of Cyndi’s. She came to help prepare food for the evening. She came in, went directly to the kitchen. The kitchen was darker than the other rooms and although very small, the ceilings were higher there, some-how. I went with Alzira to the kitchen to begin helping with the food preparations and became extremely annoyed, agitated, because I was expected to help with the work to entertain people I didn’t like and who didn’t like me. – The freak was part of the house-hold as well. Although “it” never was IN the dream, it was in the house, in the house-hold and I did all I could to avoid seeing it or being near it. But it was a “presence” in the place and I was agitated, all the time. – As I was standing in the kitchen, the door-bell rang. Alzira said, with-out looking at me “Oh that’ll be… “ I didn’t hear who but I thought of having to squeeze through the narrow halls, crouch to get to the door and stairs, crawl down to get to the door and I said “You mean there are MORE coming? How long is this going to go on!?” And Alzira, peeling some vegetable or something at the dark sink snapped “Oh just go let them in!” to which I, reaching a rage because of my trouble breathing in that small space snapped back “Fuck you! No I won’t!” and I went into the next room (living-room) where there was more light, and yet, such a small room, with the slanted ceilings and a narrow hall-way. I stood there, gleaning my music on the “tablet” as somebody else went to the door. In my mind, I focused on the areas where I might be able to sit on the floor to be more comfortable and not notice the low ceilings so much and breathe a bit easier. And I kept thinking of having to slide along the floor as I passed from room to room where the floor-to-ceiling space was about a metre in height. And, to get to the door, I would have to navigate through those spaces. I was fed up with it all! At the end of my ability to feign indifference. – I went through a narrow hall-way, into another room, a “sewing” room of some kind, an “ironing” room, where there was a bit more space, higher ceilings and a few things, ironing board and such. Cyndi was in there getting ready for the party. Quietly, I told her that I wasn’t going to put up with the bullshit any longer. “I’ve been threatened by that thing numerous times already and I’m not going to put up with this bullshit any longer!” I told her. “What?” she said, rather surprised. “By HIM?” (the freak). “Yes.” I said, disgusted and yet calmly. “I’ve been told that ‘something will happen’ to me, that I will die or that I’ll be killed.” She (Cyndi) became annoyed, or feigned being annoyed and angry and as she continued getting ready for the party to come said, in an almost-but-not-quite convincing tone “That’s IT! I’m not putting up with this shit! He’s OUT! I’m tired of it!” Somehow I knew she was lying to me, so I got even more angry with her, the place, the situation, and I grew even MORE quiet, knowing that saying anything to her was futile. – I woke from the dream at this point.
10.26 Up from a smoke… the freak came out with the Mexishit. On the way back in, I had to listen to the affairs of having started to un-pack or re-pack the shit on the back porch and how some photos were destroyed by water because there they were in BTV leaked. And how one box contained 5lb weights that came down on it’s foot. Oh well. I could help a bit of SCHADENFREUDE. NOT, mind you, that it isn’t warranted. And there are some McDonalds colletors’ glasses in a bag, with algae water in them. I suggested eBay. Oh well.. sell your shit and be glad you still have shit to sell. I have nothing! – It’s the first day of “Summer”. The “longest day” of the year. Tomorrow, the days begin to shorten again. Time… just rushes by… SO FUCKING QUICKLY! But not quickly enough. – “Fathers’ Day” too. How charming. The nicest part of it is it reminds me that mine lingered for a bit, brain gone, useless. Miserable, hateful bit of shit that he was. He would be in his later 80’s these days… what a shame that he didn’t linger longer. – It’s to be a rainy day, with passing storms. I’m glad for the rain. Hopefully it’ll help yesterday’s transplants take… AND water the veggies next door! YAY! – Meanwhile, I need to decided if I’m going to Richford at some point or not. I’ll be running out of food soon… not enough to carry through to the 1st… – July already! I was supposed to be gone and away LAST month! – And I note: No words from Viv since the quick note of last Sunday. I’m of no use to her so… – I’m going to have another coffee. Fuck this shit. 10.41 already… nothing on an agenda… at least not until 15.00 (if I’m going to Richford today). – 13.37 Wasting the day away on soc.med. Ready to nap. Nothing planned until 15.00 when I might head to Richford… depending on how I view the gas situation. – 15.56 A TWO-HOUR nap! and I still don’t really want to be awake. THIS isn’t fatigue today. This is depression. – 23.35 Thunder. Lightning. Not a “storm” so much. Just a bit here and there. – I thought I’d be asleep by now. I never did get to Richford. I can’t say why, exactly. But when I finally stopped watching Steven Fry (Jewish… imagine that) and Izzy Izzard, it was already 21.30! Oh well. I’m hungry. Nothing new. But I’d been in the room ALL day! Including that horridly long nap! And now, with the house in darkness, save the flashes of lightning, and the sound of the rain falling softly, I’m rather almost a bit fearful of going to sleep because of the “suffocating” dreams. I wonder what they’re from and about. Oh well. I need to be awake early tomorrow. The forecast is favourable for planting and Jackie will want to do some. I have to get food and smokes some-how during the day. 25 left until month-end. I don’t know how this is going to work out, but something will be done… something. Food and me… never a good combination. Hunger and me… common.- Well. Almost midnight. Tomorrow the postings for the PO come down. I just thought, as I had my last smoke, that it’s a good omen of sorts that there’s been nobody to work the Sheldon Springs office. I doubt many have applied for the job. And I see that the Highgate Springs office is about the same as the Creek. So it’s one or the other. Not “bad” for me… but no “good” either, since I won’t be able to cover both. Oh well. – Getting head-ache now too. Feeling a bit on the “sticky” side as well. No shower. Stomach is a bit “off”, so too, the bowels. Oh, death would be a delight… but one that will not come. – Time for lights-out and wait-and-see what tomorrow will bring. – There are things in life that we can, and things that we cannot control. I’ve controlled what I can. The rest? Alas. That’s all… just … alas.

Mon.22.Jun: 6.55 Coffeee. Smoke. A bit of “have at it”. And this humid, over-cast day begins. Why am I awake? I don’t know. – Went to sleep again… again… last night, with the gate across the door. Oh, to sit at table in the morning with coffee and a Belvedere. To turn the radio on and listen to the day’s news and some music. To wander about freely, in the morning quiet. To enjoy the morning. One day… one day… one day… PLEASE!!!! – In a bit, I’ll open the voice line. There might be some planting done at some point during the day. Some point. Might. – 10.36 Jackie rang yesterday and it came up on the e-mail! YAY! It works! – Well then, beard trimmed. A morning wasted on soc.med. Still cloudy but forecast is for clearing after noon. I’m readying to get out of the house. Nothing much to do save plant next door. But we shall see where it goes. AND I MUST get food for today! – 20.44 Well OK then. I DID get to Richford. A sandwich! FOOD! ONE pack of smokes (for 9 days?) A package of franks and burger rolls (oh well) and 4$ left on the card! Imagine! And chat with Brenda and Judy and it was Paula (the owner) who sold me the other stuff on Friday (or Thurs… when I went)! – So, I get back to the house just as HLS and the freak returned. Bobo was already here. I stopped to see Jackie and had a beer and we talked. She showed me the rooms she want’s cleaned. Delightful… but… small and dark! I don’t think so. She told me about the house on the Square rd. that the old shit with the shepherd lives in. He and the family MUST be out of there by the 15th of July and she’s not sure about re-renting. She wants to sell but doubts that will happen at this time of the year. Rent? I suppose I could have considered. She said something about not having the place empty over the Winter. And she’s going to have to pay taxes on it if she doesn’t sell. But even and no matter what, me, rent… here… I doubt that. I want OUT of Fuklin! She’s got 2 rooms in the house that she’s considering renting. But they’re dark, although they have direct access from the porch. And they’re tiny… and they’re separated by a hall. I don’t believe I’d even consider. Not renting anyway. But I’ll help her clean them out and up as best as I can. (She said she’d pay me 100$ for the help. I don’t want her money.) – Anyway, when I got back to this place I mentioned to Bobo about grabbing the old TV antenna on the roof, with a rope and hook. Well, Bobo goes to the barn, comes and gives me the hook, the freak gives the rope and the next thing I know, Bobo’s on the roof! All the way up! I climbed out their bed-room window to the porch roof to help. We worked together and got it down! I would have done it tomorrow. But it’s done now. Interesting (but common and typical) no thanks for the help. Fucktards. OH! I SO want out of this shit-hole! – So… the news today… THE CROPS NEXT DOOR ARE ALREADY SPROUTING! AND THE FLOWERS OUT FRONT ARE THICKENING! AND IT’S ALL GROWING! I DID SUCH A WONDERFUL TRANSPLANT! AND I MOVED THE LITTLE HEMLOCK TO THE CORNER OF THE BACK BARN THIS MORNING. PLANTS AND ALL FLOWERS AND SUCH! BLOOMING AND GROWING AND DOING SO WELL! I’m happier than all shit! And proud too! – Right now I could enjoy a drink or ice cream but… nope. Not yet. 4$ on the card… The time will come. – Time to check the status on the job and such. A smoke and to bed. Tomorrow… GARDENING NEXT DOOR!

Tue.23.Jun: 0.54 Once again… awake TOO fucking late! And hungry. And noshed more on the StoveTop Stuffing… dry. Hey! It kills an appetite. And it’ll probably kill me as well… later. Oh well. – But got stuck in the soc.med. – Heard some dip-shit tear-assing down the road and heard a strange noise. Looked out the window toward the car. AMAZING! I can see the little thing most clearly if I stick my head out. Comforting to know… I guess. – Nothing to report on the job-front. The posting was still there, last I checked. Will have to check in the morning… later. Well, oh well. – 1.05 and off to bed… hopefully to sleep until about 6.30 and to wake at that time. The forecast is for rain in the morning again. Oh well… we shall see when we get there. – 8.47 ALREADY! Slept through the alarm… again. I wonder why…. hmpf. – Had a dream that I woke from at the alarm, but can’t recall anything other than it was something to do with work, a job, the PO or something, and wasn’t cheerful. – And… it’s raining. Lightly. But raining. The breeze is warm. One of “those” mornings. As I had my smoke I thought:: this is Winter… only, with rain. We had clouds and snow through the Winter, and now clouds and rain. I ponder… but not for long. – 12.07 Wash-out. Accomplishing nothing. (Hungry with head-ache though.) Rain. Rain. And more rain. – Soc.med. this morning. That covers it. – Dull… – E-mail from Jackie… mentioning the rain… perhaps Thursday next planting. Ok. Oh well. – 20.27 Just in from another DELIGHTFUL day (though painful, I have to admit… no food and, well… I wonder if it’s not the lung, could it be an artery clogged) of working the garden with Jackie! But I must note first:
I WALK IN THE DOOR AND THE FREAK HEADS FOR THE SHOWER! DOES SHIT-FUCK NOTHING ALL FUCKING DAY BUT AS SOON AS I WALK IN THE DOOR, THE FAGGOT GOES FOR THE SHOWER? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? YES, I AM HOPING THAT WHAT-EVER THEY TAKE FROM THAT GARDEN MAKES THEM DEATHLY.. .DEATHLY ILL… SICK BEYOND WILDEST IMAGINATION. DEATHLY SICK. MAY THEY ROT FROM WHAT THEY CONSUME, AT MY LABOUR. AMEN.
That said, recorded… it began with the rain and neither Jackie nor I planning on getting anything done in the garden at all. in fact, she sent the e-mail saying we’d look toward Thursday. Well, the rain stopped, the sky began to clear and I went out… back… dug up several groups of daisies… 3 more planted out front and 2 larger batches in the back, in front of the barn. Very nice indeed. Time… I went next door and began pulling up the plastic where Jackie wants tilled and planted. WOW! THAT was heavy work! Soil and grass on the plastic. But it was moments later when Jackie showed up and we worked together, planning nothing. Nothing? Sunflowers, lettuce, spinach, turnips and more smaller pumpkins got planted! Almost the entire yard is planted now. WE DID IT! Together… alone! Pretty amazing! And SO much is already starting to come up! Zucchini, squash, corn, radishes, peas, cucumbers, peas, it’s amazing! (20.34 and the freak is out of the shower. Fucking useless shit.) Meanwhile, back at the “farm”.. SO much already coming up. And what a delight to talk with Jackie. I think we both help each-other in that respect. – At one point, I came round to get a dirt rake and there was Bobo, stanidng on the porch roof with a broom in hand. He’d gotten some kind of sealant spray for the leak and cut up the old sealer. My my! It laboured on its own home! (Jackie was to say this evening that she wished she could find somebody like me to rent to… somebody who’d take an active interest in the house as well. Oh well… I’ve made it abundantly clear… I am leaving Franklin and might well leave Vermont… BEFORE the Summer’s end!) OK. o I chatted, nice-nice and got the rake and left. A bit later, I had to get something else and come back to find Bobo on the ladder, HLS holding, Bobo doing something with the gutter on the “garage”. Imagine! Working on their own house! AMAZING! – So when I got back to the garden and talking, today I learnt: Dickwad tols Cecil, 2 years ago, that he’d hoped Cecil would be dead the following year. HATE in this town! FUUUUUUUUUCK! When I mentioned seeing Bobo working, she commented, nicely “I didn’t know either of them ever did any work on their house. You’ve been doing it all since you got there.” It’s noticed and known round town now. Okee Dokee. – Then it was time to wrap and “beer time” as Jackie calls it. But tonight it was beer and a burger! She doesn’t know it but she saved a life today. I was horribly rather weak and that burger was HEAVEN! Cooked food… Beef! REAL food! – We talked, as usual… and today she got more information on the house here and my place in it. I’m not holding back. She knows of the drugs, and the mention of the freak boasting about flattening tyres and the likes. She knows of their marriage. She knows what’s going on in the house. Now… it’s all known. She knows abut the remark about being called a “dick”. She knows about the work-for-rent bit and that I pay anyway. She knows the room’s not heated. She knows about the freak… and that’s important. SOMEBODY KNOWS. She knows how often the fogs are fed and how much/little (she gave me a bit of a bag of food she’d bought Haley but it made Haley ill… I gave Dixie some… a little… to see if it’s OK for her. She ate a bit. I hope it’s OK for her… a little something extra… which she so deserves.) I feel better about somebody knowing about the freak. And it’s nice to know that others in town know how much work *I* put into this place. – Well, it must have been round 19.00 when I left, grabbed a smoke from the barn, put the tools away, checked today’s plantings, got Dixie out the front door and went round back to play with the stick whilst I had my smoke. Sweet-heart… gotta love her! Even Jackie said she’s going to be hurt when I leave. I’m sorry about that but… – When I came in then, I mentioned the garden, listened to the bullshit about the gutter and such, told them about the new crops and such…chit-chat. And now, at 20.47, it’s almost time to shower… – There’s a stench coming in from the freak too! Making me ill. Well? Eat the food that’s growing on my sweat… and rot! – One more smoke before shower… let the freak-filth settle. I wish I had something to clean the tub! It’s all packed… silly me. – I’d like a little “snack” but the store’s closed now. Oh well… 7 more days…

We.24.Jun: 1.02 Well! Another night of too late! Just up from last smoke with HLS and… AND shared Penny’s Cranberry-Orange cake! TWO slices! I am in shock! Although I wonder if there isn’t some kind of “friendship” on the one side… “over there”. I suppose I’ll never know for certain. It might be nice if I’d care. But at this stage of my life, I can’t. Not “don’t”… can’t. – And how interesting. La Fete! And I’ve NO desire to go North, no desire to participate, no desire to be any part of it. Quebec has managed to disgust me that much with the politics. I’ve no desire to even put up the flag! And that’s saying quite a bit! It’s still “HOME”. It always will be… It’s still the place I want to die. But it’s that… in the 1970’s. Even L. agreed just now: this is a great time in history to be “on in age”. The world has gone to shit, and it doesn’t seem to have the option of turning back to anything good. – Oh well. – I’m at last in bed. The fan is on, even for a little while to take the heat and humidity out of the room. They’ve got the fan on down-stairs as well but I’ll not leave it on through the night… lest I hear about THAT in the back yard as well. – As for that matter, I look forward to reminding “When you’re sitting at table feeding your fat, useless arse, you can remember that you’re eating, thanks to MY labours… and none of your own. *I* am feeding you.” Not that any of them will think of such a thing. But, perhaps, soon, I’ll have the joy of being able to say. – Now, a quick browse of soc.med. and to sleep. I have to make a wash in the morning! Well, in about 5 hours. – 7.10 And the wash is in the machine. I’m exhausted! Gee. I wonder why. About 4,5hrs. sleep? But the wash is in the machine. Now to hope for a speedy dry on the line. I won’t use the dryer this morning, so as not to use the gas and electric AND to give the clothes a good sunning! Hopefully it’ll clean them a bit more, especially the whites (which are really no longer “white”). – Odd… it’s “la Fete” today and not only do I not have the urge nor the desire to be HOME, I don’t even want to put up le drapeau today. No more support for the general bullshit. Politics. Ruins everything. And gee, I wonder if there’s been any word from “Madame”. Just proves my suspicions: I was there when needed and now that the need is gone… so too, the friendship. Well… we live… we learn… and move along. So be it. – But the sun is glaring through the window and the sky is clear. Wash day. – When I came back up from the wash and smoke, the room door was open. I wonder if the freak managed a moment to snoop, and if so, how much so. Fuck this shit, really. I want and need out. I’d slept with the fan on last night, noticed that it doesn’t make enough noise to be heard through the closed (and barricaded) door and it was still on when I went to the wash. Oh well… let the comments commence. Indeed, I shall make mention of last year’s and this year’s food being supplies… on my back. Indeed… I shall – Now. To stay awake long enough to get the wash on the line. I’m wearing shorts and noticed how white my legs and chest are. SO un-like me. Oh well… Not that it makes any difference. There’s no one to see. I just wish I could be out of here… or at least in the process. – PLEASE GET THIS “BACK TO WORK” RUNNING! NOW. – I checked before going to sleep last night. The status on both the Crique and the Springs is “In Process”. At least I have that confirmation, that the applications went through. PLEASE! GET THIS “BACK TO WORK” MOVING ALONG… RAPIDLY!!! It would make the WORLD of difference for SO MUCH… SO VERY VERY MUCH! – 8.24 Wash is on the line… I opened the washer to find… PAPER! ALL OVER EVERTYHING! FUCKING PAPER! AND THE ONLY PIECE OF CLOTHING IN THERE THAT I MIGHT HAVE MISSED… THE ONE PIECE WITH “VERMONT” ON IT! FUCK! WHAT A WAY TO START THE DAY! AND UNDER-WEAR DROPS TO THE FUCKING NASTY FLOOR! THE DAY IS OFFICIALLY… FUCKED! – And Curtis is out there, already, this morning, with the “weed-wacker”? I put wash on the line and, no doubt, the lawn will get mowed. What a fucking way to begin the day. – That is all… “Carry on”. – 10.37 Passing the morning. The wash is almost dry. Things to do, no clothes to wear. And when the clothes are dry? I don’t know. But I’ll have to get out of here. – (It’s Friday morning and I can’t recall what I did with the rest of this day. I truly can’t.) – One thing I DO recall about today… This afternoon, Curtis and daughter came back to mow the lawn. I was feeling like total shit from not eating well, but when he got here, I moved the picnic table so he could mow, and when he’d done, I mowed in front of the barn. The freak was hanging some wash and saw as I mowed. I can’t help but keep thinking of how “charming” that shit has been since that day of screaming at me in the back yard. But I take comfort in knowing: Jackie and her daughter know… they witnessed the retardation of that piece of Old North End shit. And Jackie now knows what’s in this house… AND, how much work I actually do around here. It’s nothing to help me get out of here, but it certainly gives the town something to chew on when I finally do leave. – (Fri.6.56) Just thought of something else: This evening, Bob brought some fellow to the back yard to “show it off” as it were, as I was doing something in the back barn. (I learnt it was some fellow named “Garth”…) Gave me something to ponder: I didn’t know at the time that the guy helped him bring 2 more pallets for the “wall” he’s building but I thought (of course) it was somebody to take the room. I wouldn’t put it past them to advertise and show and then tell me to get out. But it was pallets. Ca ce peut tu? My next thought was: Ah… the guy from work… the work where I’m being spoken of as a piece of worthless shit! And now, this one sees the property and no doubt has no idea that the ONLY one who works on the property, keeping it all together and such is the “piece of shit” who wasn’t even introduced. This place gets SO THICK with the nonsense. Meanwhile… the nasty talk continues “down at the job”… I’m sure.

Thu.25.Jun: 2.16 (Catching-up on Friday morning at 6.27) Well, there’s a new fesses-book account. I’ve been blocked because of a reply made to some shit-head who took offence and reported his or her umbrage. Only 24 hours, but still… It’s not so bad though. I never wanted that account to be political except for the Homeless issues. So now, I have another where I can get into all sorts of troubles and not have it associated with the book. Iona Traylor returns! (Poor Haddie Nuff though. She’s blocked and gone by now. Maybe one day… but I doubt it. – So today, I got the humming-bird feeder washed and cleaned and such. I’ll leave it open to air and hopefully to kill what-ever it was that clouded the water the last time. – As I “weeded” the bench-garden, I found MORE tomato plants… there are SIX of them now. Not that I’ll be getting anything from them. I don’t even know if they’ll produce. They’re very small. But we shall see. I just can’t get myself to let them die off… “FOOD”. Even if it’s not for me, it’s food, and shouldn’t be destroyed. Food… compliments of the “dick”. How charming. I wonder… Now matter what people do TO me, I continue to do FOR others. I’m a moron. – Ever so hungry, I went next door and got a bottle of chocolate syrup… something with sugar and calories that would last a couple of days, at least. Had it from the bottle when I got back to the barn and it did give me more strength to continue with the day. I was actually quite weak. This “no food” and not eating grabs hold much sooner and much worse than it used to. Old age, I suppose. – Well, there’s no “last smoke” tonight/this morning. I’m tired… Lights out! At almost 2.30. Rough day ahead at this point. – 8.01 and…. another day begins. Another difficult morning. Not feeling “well” again this morning. Weak. Light-headed. Need to go to Richford again. If I get there, I’m opening a tab. Smokes and food. This is insane! And this lap-top is fucking with me already. – Just up from the smoke of the morn. And “the boots” are in the house this morning as well! – The freak is in the shower already. Maybe it’ll go away for a few hours? How nice that would be. – Well… off we go. I slept through the alarm again. No trouble. And I’m itching! Something from yesterday. Right ankle. Seems something bit me. I wonder… Hmm…. – 11.55 Wasted morning and looking to cloud up now. Oh well… I took a nap… now to figure about getting to Richford if not working in the garden today…. I’m just so tired! – 16.27 Well as it turned out, I went to the back, brought Dixie out with me, took my chair and sat to remove the labels from the 13 coffee jars that had been soaking in buckets over-night. Nice. I don’t know what I’ll do with them, but, they’re there now. – Jackie HAD phoned, but when I looked, I didn’t see her car in the back so figured she wasn’t in. Ah… but when I went over, thinking I might weed there this morning… she WAS home. She called to me asking if I’d had lunch and invited me in…. SHE’D HAD SPAGHETTI AND THERE WERE LEFT-OVERS WHICH SHE RE-HEATED FOR ME! HOW WONDERFUL. I COULDN’T HELP BUT THINK: SHE DOESN’T KNOW IT, BUT SHE SAVED A LIFE TODAY. – We chatted as I ate, about how things are going for her with the house and such. She needs to sell her truck and was told to accept nothing under 8600. Her son yelled at her for some reason and apparently was quite nasty. Well… we don’t know the circumstances so… but still… kids just don’t think of when parents won’t be around. And yes, there are parents who are better NOT being around. As I say… I don’t know the particulars. I don’t opine. – So… we put some additives into the car… something for gas AND oil. I don’t know. She says Cecil always did. OK. Then planted some lilies out in front of the house. Nothing too heavy today. But it gave me “plugs” for the empty lawn areas in the back yard! Isn’t it strange how things “work out”. I got that in where the runner used to be for between the barns. There’ll be a solid lawn there now. AND I covered the area of garden that got lost when I bricked the “fire-ring”. Win-lose. There we have it. – Came in, got a quick shower an room-temp coffee and it was off to Richford, with hope. – 18.58 No smokes no food (I have franks tho and, unfortunately, ate ALL 4! NO FOOD LEFT except the dog food from Jackie… which…) When I got to the store… No Brenda. Paula tomorrow at about 7.00. Paula is Brenda’s sister and… the owner! I suppose it doesn’t hurt to ask, but it’s more gas a driving that I really can’t afford. Oh well… But I’m showered tonight and will eat… and will just go to bed and hope to sleep through the night until tomorrow. And tonight, going right to bed is no trouble… for some reason, I’m SO TIRED! I wanted to doze as I drove across the Middle Rd. coming back from Richford this evening. TIRED.. JUST SO SO TIRED!!! (of it all, I suppose).

Fri.26.Jun: WHAT A FUCKED UP DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (17.40)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6.22 I woke on my own this morning, to the sun shining in through the window, and onto my face. Rather well-rested. My nose is sore… right side… again. But other than that, and the usual anxiety gut, I’m rested. I think. I always wake, tired. – Hope: that Paula says “OK” to the tab. With-out that… no food or smokes until Wednesday. Hard times again. – OO! 7.01 already. I’m just catching-up as much as possible and the time has flown by! Soon… off to HOPEville! – 11.40 PAULA SAID NO!!!! IMAGINE THAT? NO!!! Something about having to pay quarterly taxes. SO… No smokes. NO food… And I’m back down to a ,25 tank of gas. NOT good. As I went to the Hannaford’s to get 4 Ramen… to last 5 days… I thought: Once again… I can”t even ask Vivvie. Now we see who the “friends” are… once again. Oh well. – There was nothing in the pob 58 either except a notice to Ms. Vivvie. Let that sink! Meanwhile I have to figure how to roll some smokes or something and what to do with the rest of this week. AND… how to get smokes on Wed. since I won’t be able to be getting to Richford…. Oh well… – OH! And only 3,94 in the CIBC! And another 3,99 due on the first! It just gets deeper and deeper and deeper…. – 15.41 And the day is about done. B. just came in. I just came in. – I tried to transplant some Chinese lanterns but I don’t think they’re happy. Oh well. And that was about the extent of this day. – Rolled some pipe tobacco in a piece of note paper, then in a Hannaford’s receipt. I’ll probably be sorry about that but… WTF. Why not? Who cares? – Having one of the 4 Ramens. Tuesday… nothing to eat. I keep thinking “Sorry. I can’t afford to. I’ve got quarterly taxes due.” Really? She’s full of shit. But… now I understand why the store’s been robbed. She’s like that I suppose. We live. We learn. That’s that. AND, I now understand why Brenda wouldn’t open a tab for me. SHE’s the opposite of them. OK. Oh well. – Meanwhile… I’m just waiting for the best time to get back into bed and try to sleep as much of the next few days away as possible. – Oh… the message to Vivvie on Skype? Still trying to get through. I’m betting… I’m blocked. And again: I was there to pay the rent in Vimont. I was there to help with the packing and moving. I’m no longer needed… FUCK YOU LORTIE! And thanks so very much. – Now to have my Ramen, try for a shower and end the day. – PS: There’s Belladonna growing out in the yard! YAY! ROOTS! – 17.34 I dozed, dead out, whilst on-line and woke to find all kinds of crazy shit had happened to my browser… including… my account was bumped and I had to pull old bookmarks which means SO MUCH is GONE GONE GONE!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! And then, I’ve confirmed that Lortie has blocked me from Skype now. Alas. Just proves my suspicions: I was good when I had the money… and now I’m shit again. No use for me. OK then. Too fucking bad I sent e-mails too. (I checked my contact list: No activity since the 14th June. I checked the general… add new… contact directory… 2 hours ago.) Oh well… there we have it. – Meanwhile, Ive had my Ramen for the day, and there’s the food. Getting anything from anybody else along the lines of food and such is out of the question at this juncture. So… we’re in for a VERY difficult several days. And when it’s over? It’ll be interesting to see how I’ll get smokes. Not enough gas to keep running to Richford and next door won’t do it. So? We’re in for some kind of shit… and I don’t want to be in it here in this house. – I’m going out to the barn to try and sneak what’s left of the thing I rolled in the Hannaford’s receipt and then try for a shower and get to bed. I just want to sleep the rest of this away… –

Sat.27.Jun: 8.52 Why? Why am I awake and out of bed already? No reason. No sane reason. But… it was good timing this morning. Late last night, when they came in from their “fire”, I herd a dog barking… WAY into the early hours of this morning. It was horrid! It sounded as if it came from the back door and I kept thinking of the stories of Ellie having a run-in with skunks and being left out-of-doors over night. And when she’d pee on the floor, being left on the porch over night. But this barking sounded like Dixie and I couldn’t help but think of her, perhaps having rolled in something (as they do) or having run off and they, being too drunk, not bothering to go look for her. It must have been about 2.00 when the barking subsided and I, exhausted, fell asleep. Well, this morning, I woke, heart heavy, had my coffee, rolled some tobacco in more note paper and when I got to the back door, the lead was inside! “She’s gone.” I thought. Walked away, or taken away or something. I went to the barn, had a few drags off the “cigarette” (it tastes horrid.. pipe tobacco and photocopy paper but) and came back into the house just as the freak was bringing… the… THREEEEE out!!!! DIXIE IS HERE, WAS IN ALL NIGHT! SHE’S OK! I asked the freak if it had heard the barking. Yes. Oh well… My heart breaks for what-ever little dog it was out there last night… truly. But I have to say that my heart delights that it wasn’t Dixie! – And now… 4 more days of misery. I’ve been wondering if there isn’t a way I could find some little jobs for gas/smokes money. I’ll give it a try next door… there’s no shame in asking for work instead of asking for money. Trash removal or some kind of thing. This is making me crazy! – And… today, I’m going to try and see what those “Jerusalem artichokes” are like. I read-up last night… they have better texture when raw, in a “salad”, so I’ll try one! I eat potatoes raw; why not these? 4 days can’t be harmful and they’ve been raised as a crop and people have tried to promote them (I wonder why they didn’t catch on… I’ll learn today, no doubt.) And maybe they’ll be a nice addition to the Ramen. They’re nutritious. Worth a try. I was also looking at so many “weeds” that are edible! I’ll have to check the yard again. What the hey! I just might come out of this better off than before. – Now… to get money for gas, smokes and to save the CIBC account! – Meanwhile… yes indeed… I HAVE been blocked by Vivvie. What a fucking fucktard I’ve been! She’s probably read my “Vimont” post… she’s said nothing in her defence… because she can’t/ So? WRITE OFF! Don’t care. Can’t care. Won’t care. I’ve been abused enough. Done. Fini. – 13.36 Been in the room all day thus far, on the “new” fesses-book page and having such fun being able to be political and not thinking about the ramifications! – Also, have had 2 coffees and have been nibbling on “True Pals Chunk Style” dog food that Jackie had given me (and I will share with m’Dixie, of course). So I’m not going hungry at the moment. Now… off to see about some Jerusalem artichokes and hopefully a drag or 2 off something in the barn. Ah… what it’s all come to. – Interesting note: Since my own smoking has decreased, I’m noticing the smell of other peoples’ cigarettes when they get out of their cars out front of the house. Hmmmm…. Oh well. And maybe this is this beginning of my quitting… and then… 5 more years and POOF ALL GONE! – Oh… that “mole” thing on my chest that’s been bugging me this Summer… it was full of DARK DARK DARK BROWN PUSS today. I painlessly popped it. Hmmm… I tend to believe it’s malignant. Oh well… leaving it alone. – 15.01 and almost 6 hours with-out a smoke! Just in from a stroll out back. I can’t seem to find any “artichokes” that are firm or large enough to “harvest”. I’ll have to put on the “work” clothes and dig, I suppose. But not today. It’s already the afternoon and I’m looking forward to getting back into bed and sleeping this day away. (I’ve been invited t participate in a “fire” this evening but I noticed the wood pile is getting low-ish and, as much as I’d like to have a drink or 7… no smokes? no fire. They made “hobo pies” last night. I wasn’t there. But… no trouble, no matter, no care. I can’t “care” about much of anything any more. I just can’t. Especially with the Lortie issue. ) – Having a “Ramen broth” at the moment… salt, salt, salt. It would have been nice to put something in with it but… Oh well… Soon. – 21.08 MADE IT! END OF THE DAY! THANK YOU JACKIE FOR THE DOGGIE FOOD! That with the Ramen is… well… I could still use something sugared but… this is better than nothing. – Actually sort of helped B. brace the barn door this evening. He’s so proud of his wall in the garage and the window he installed (with a power saw and drill). – I think they’re all out in the yard again… burning what-ever. And I’m going to have a glass of water and crawl under the covers and tomorrow? Hopefully be able to sleep in a bit longer… so that there’s less of the day to deal with. – It was a wasted day ,mostly on the new fesses-book. But political. Gay marriage is now legal across the states and we know what that means. The government is trying it’s best to get us all to kill each-other off. All is well in the states. – I could certainly go for another smoke but don’t have one rolled… although I had one earlier with B. and told him it was Frannie’s pipe tobacco. – Well… 3 more days to go. And it’s getting painful… thanks Paula Mayhew, I’ll remember your “sorry” and take that along to Eternity as well.. – 21.32 In bed at last! I rolled another smoke. I’m sure that smoking copy paper with pipe tobacco will take some sort of toll, but I don’t care, really. And I’m finding it rather interesting that I brought the candies and such from Bedford… I think of others… and yet, nobody thinks to ask if there’s something that I might like or need. How that’s been the story of my entire life. And this shit with Viv bugs me tonight too. That I should be thought of only when needed. I truly need to stop all of this. 60 years old. I shouldn’t be thinking of such things. Let them go and don’t repeat them. The incident at Mayhew’s was a lesson that needed to be learnt. And I have done. And I will continue to use the store as I must… but nothing more nor less. Brenda? I shall always hold her in my heart. Always. Jill too. The store as a business? For my needs only. (And now I have to find a way to get the gas I need to get there on Wednesday! AND NOT in the morning! Although Brenda should be off Wednesday… but I don’t care. The store will take the money any way they can get it… oh that sounds familiar.) – There was something more I wanted to journal this evening, but I can’t think of what it was at this point. I should simply go to sleep. – The freak is making all sorts of noises across the hall. – I wish I knew what’s going on in my right nostril. That pain is back and so too, the what-ever it is that seems to block that space at the tip. I keep pulling the hairs and the pain is still there. Well, at least the mole on the chest has stopped bleeding. – I’m rambling now. I could use something to eat. I could use something with flavour to drink. Tomorrow I’ll try to get some artichokes and hope for the best. I’ll be completely out of food (save the doggie bits) on Tuesday. Hard times… indeed. But as I thought on the way back from Richford: This is nothing “new”. I’ve been here and through this before. – The room smells a bit “nice”. Ive sprayed that “pine” febreeze. It’s warm but there’s to be rain by mid-night. And rain tomorrow too. – Monday, I hope it pours because Jackie wants to go to Bedford… and I can’t afford to. Oh well.. we shall see when the time comes. – Oh… something “new”, my right nut is painful… from the crotch right through the leg to the foot. Odd… new… novel.. more pain. –

Sun.28.Jun: 8.51 Rain. And why am I awake when I could, actually, be asleep, and not facing this morning of pain in the right nut, and just up from trying to smoke copy paper and pipe tobacco, looking forward to another day of eating dog kibbles? Why? – And the first thoughts with coffee: How much to do for and give to others and to be in this situation where there is nobody to turn to, again. Don’t ask… Just do not ask… Do not ask “why”, do not ask for “help”. Be… Ah… but unless it serves to help “self”, offer no help… from here on in. And you know? If this is how you become, this is how you’ll be remembered…. NOT for all the help you gave others over a life-time, but, instead, for being selfish. Oh well. It’s really too late to think about all this shit now. At this point, its time to break down, fall apart, and to ponder the end… checking out, getting away. And these are the days.. As I pondered only the other day, driving out of Richford: Perception… we, humans, think… an because we think, we perceive. We’re convinced that we’re the only beings that think, but its not true. Anyway, I perceive this to be miserable, that others are selfish. But all the while, the fact is: I’m the idiot. I CAN make this something less painful… and I CAN stop it… when ever. I shall toddle through this day… and then there will be only 2 left. – 13.24 I’ve spent the morning on-line, then took a 30-minute nap. Rolled more copy paper and a smoke. The house is awake and “working” in the “garage” and I have some candies… little ones, from down the stairs. Hungry as all hell and would love to have a real cigarette. But… – And the rain is still falling softly. I should go in search of an artichoke. In a little while perhaps. – 21.37 MADE IT TO THE END OF ANOTHER DAY! of doing nothing but fucking about on fesses-book. But it rained all day so, no loss there. – Its 18° in here now and damp and cold and I’m hungry! Had a Ramen and a bunch of doggie things for dinner. Finished my rolled tobacco and now… hoping the mattress heater did what it’s supposed to do because it’s just too cold and damp in here tonight. BUT… MADE IT THROUGH ANOTHER DAY! 2 MORE TO GO! – One note: At about 16.00 today, there was an announcement on the news about having captured the remaining escapee over in Malone (NY… I wish…) and as I was watching it in the parlour, the freak came round the corner to ask if I’d care to join them for dinner!!!! Hungry as I am these days… I declined. Not even so much on principal today, but more on the line that the thought of sitting at table with THAT, actually made me physically ill! I just really must have to get out of here.

Mon.29.Jun:
HOME
8.31 Why am I awake? I don’t know. It’s raining. I was rudely awakened at 2.00 this morning with the screaming of “Ya gotta go out?” for the dogs. Then again at about 3.00 for no reason. And then slept through the 6.35 alarm. Oh well. Not to mention, this was supposed to be the day of the trip with Jackie to Bedford. I’ve no money (and will soon have even less) and I’m really not in the right frame of mind for leaving the room today. – There’s ONE package of Ramen to be eaten (with dog food, of course) and another 2 days (really) to go until food day again. I’m down, down, down. – 23.09 SHOWERED! I had little choice in the matter tonight. Thre was gardening today. BUT… today, I finally broke down and went to the store and got a little package of rolling papers. TOP, of all brands, 100 for 1,47$, ca ce peut tu? And so… ROLLIES! No more copy paper! And although it’s not Belvedere, it was a delight NOT smoking copy paper! How charming! (The little things that matter. Fuck me very much I suppose.) I expected them to be almost 3$ at this point. What a delight to have the money to get them. Let’s talk “Homeless again”. Well… I rolled, indeed. – Back into the bed and onto the soc.med. waiting fro word form the PO but by about 10.00, the call/e-mail transcript came from Jackie to come over. She wanted to go to Quebec to pick berries and to go to Barry for poutine! Me? No money, I wasn’t going to accept a poutine, so I tried to make excuses of stomach troubles and not eating but… OFF WE WENT! I couldn’t disappoint her. Especially since she’d phone the farm about the berries. So, off we went… HOME. And it actually was quite fun. – In Bedford, we browsed Metro, and she got a box of Vachon au Caramel, a few tins of St-Hubert sauces and a 50! Not much, but it was the fun of being there, on what’s technically HER HOME but I was more familiar with the centre village. And the other thing that was delightful was not translating for somebody, nor feeling rude if I spoke French. Indeed, it was fun. – Then… the moment… Barry. We went in, she asked if I wanted anything and I declined. But she got a poutine moyen and we took it out-side… she ate almost all of it an left some, saying, “If you don’t finish, I’ll take it back for the dog.” It wasn’t much but it was good… yes… I finished it. (Hell… me or the dog? I win.) – Into the car and off down the road… headed East on the 202 out of Bedford. A right turn on ch Ridge and to Pépinière Bernier Irene & Normand (Stanbridge est, more than Bedford but considered Bedford). WOW! BEAUTIFUL! Lovely farm homes and the farm was a delight! And indeed, Jackie just rattled off in French! It was a delight to be with her and with somebody who speaks French! WELL! Pick your own at 13$CAD each basket and they didn’t mind if we ate a bit as we went along. We got a row and Jackie worked one side whilst I worked the other. Indeed, I grabbed a few as we picked and they are DELICIOUS! FRESH! REAL! Refreshing too, to be able to eat something… and something nourishing instead of dog food. We were there about and hour of so, chatting and picking and enjoying. Me? I was in heaven! It was WONDERFUL to be home, doing something other than my usual rut, in spite of being reminded that my account was about to over-draw in a couple of days. But I enjoyed the time I had at the moment. (As I’d thought later today: I don’t have “tomorrow”, nor do I have “yesterday”… all I have is the moment, nothing more… nothing less. Sad, in a way. A relief in other ways.) – Ah… then the ride back and roads with familiar names that I’d not taken but now know better:
ch. Ridge runs into ch. Guthrie, into which runs ch. Hamon (that runs between Guthrie and… Dalpé!). Guthrie runs into the ch. de St-Armand at Pigeon Hill! These are all roads that I know from biking (and driving) and had never been on but WOW! What a bit of country-side THAT was! And what a joy to see more of l’Estrie! I was thrilled! It was like being at HOME for the first time… again! JUST MAGNIFICENT! And Jackie’s already making plans to come back to raspberries and other “pick your own” as the seasons permit. (Me? Not so much because my head is still back in NY… ASAP.) But what a delight! PURE delight! – TWO baskets of berries and the little bit of groceries and a zip-ping across the border. Yes indeed. FUN DELIGHT JOY PLEASURE! – When we got back to Jackie’s and brought the day’s “groceries” in, it was planting time. – OK then… I came back to the pit to change and mentioned the planting and HLS immediately got up to get the seeds that were left over from last year that they never bothered with. And so it begins… the impositions! I took the seeds, changed and went back. I did show them to Jackie. The only things we really got planted were some carrots and beets. There were more, but we’d run out of space. Oh well… too bad for you. OH! But before I left the pit, the packets of herbs seeds! NOW we want a little “herb garden”! Fuk yoo… really. I might try to find some space for one but I’ll be damned if I’ll break my anything for one. if planting such a thing serves my purpose, fine. If not… as I say: Fuk yoo… indeed. It’ll only be neglected any way. Although, Jackie said she’d like some so I should see what I can do… and I most likely will… for her use. After all.. these moochers here will benefit from OUR toil with the garden, she may as well get the herbs. – We got carrots, some radishes and beets in… PLANTING IS DONE! NEXT COMES THE WEEDING… BUT FOR NOW, ALMOST EVERYTHING WE’D ALREADY PLANTED IS SPROUTING! AMAZING! (I couldn’t help but think: I could have well used the food now… but there again… my “life”: can’t have it… it’s food.) And… back into the house… – We sat fora bit and Jackie prepared some fettuccine for us… With the “50”! We split one. Yes indeed… I was HUNGRY and had she not prepared, I wouldn’t have even thought to eat but, we sat, chatted more about the morning, Jackie prepared a bit of strawberries and vanilla ice cream (we’d walked over to the store for the ice cream when we got back from the farm… that was a bit cute and EDUCATIONAL…. As we passed the pit, Dixie came to the door, barking as usual… but *I* was on the street… and I SAW THE FUCKING FREAK COME TO THE DOOR, GRAB DIXIE’S COLLAR AND YANK HER AWAY! SO… NEXT TIME THE MEXISHIT STARTS AND I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY? SLAM-DUNKEROOS! Jackie marvelled at how, all I had to do was point at Dixie and she stopped barking.) When, this evening, I mentioned it to HLS I was told “I was just on my way for the swatter!” Oh yeah? For which dog? Certainly not the little Mexishit princess. Ah… THAT one is MINE! Oh yeah! – So, back at the house and after having eaten (OH WOW… EATING… something I didn’t think I was going to do today) Jackie brought out photos of Cecil and a eulogy written and read by his son. He had quite the rough life! Wrapped in the umbilical cord before birth, a deformation caused by that. Strapped to a board in order to straighten his body…. Then, being “diagnosed” as “Genius” and, as his son was to say, it made him miserable because he couldn’t talk with anybody because… as my “baby brother” once said to me about me… he had the answers but couldn’t understand why other people couldn’t (and wouldn’t try to) understand and accept them. He had a wonderful job as an architect and his first wife had a good job but she wanted to move to some-where rural. They moved, Cecil tried to run his own business and (like I did), hit the bottom. Divorced and left alone, he put everything he had into the business and… ultimately… it left him… HOMELESS… FOR 3 YEARS! He met Jackie, they married, got the house in Fuklin and he held onto it for dear life, along with a dream of being self-sufficient “farming”. But there was never enough land to accmoplish that, so they made do with what they had. 25 years here in this shit-hole town! AND.. I LEARNT, HLS’s MOMMIE TOLD CECIL “YOU DON’T BELONG HERE!” AND TOLD HIM TO LEAVE! WELL!!!! Fucking nasty shit-hole, this town, Horrid! So this house is no different from the rest of the town nor its history. Just plain shit-fuckers, the entire lot of them! – Jackie received some phone calls whilst I was there this evening, and they were tearful. She mentioned not wanting to be alone in the house this Winter, and the rooms, and I almost think she’s hinting that I should take them… for “only a little bit of money, not much” and that the most important thing to her is having somebody in the house to attend to Haley. I think… but I keep stressing that I want out of this town… and would like to go back to NY. – So… I got back to the pit at about 22.00. Had an
evening smoke with HLS who now has a new “pipe”. Found money for that, indeed. By shortly after, I was in the shower and down for the last smoke of the day… Checked the soc.med. and….

Tue.30.Jun: 0.46 I finished ALL of the strawberries that Jackie sent over for Lyle… HAHAH! And my tummy’s grumbling. Time to try for sleep! – 7.08 OH… THAT’S why I’m still so tired. I forgot Ididn’t get to sleep until after mid-night. But I’m up now, and the clothes are in the wash, my stomach is FULL of gas, and my bowels are starting to work again… on all those strawberries from last night. Oh my! Oh well. – Sun’s up. Ill throw the clothes on the line and hope they’re wearable by 10.00 – 8.15 and catching up with yesterday… as the clothes hopefully dry on the line. – When I got the up and out to the barn I noticed… a little baby robin in the feeder/house top right on the barn! So cute! But for now… my stomach’s still churning and there’s the whole of yesterday to recount. – 10.08 Clothes are almost ready to wear… dry… on the line. A little while longer… and I wait. – 19.01
Raining. I was SO FULL OF GAS ALL DAY! (Could it be because all of the strawberries I ate? I’m supposing but… oh well… I ate. Strawberries… fresh… but I ate today. – From 11.30-16.00 I worked on cleaning out that front room at Jackie’s… trying to clean it out. She’s very much attached to the silliest things. Bits of papers and such. I wondered how, once upon a time, I too, was attached to “things” from the past. But those were all taken from me… on promises of others. People… not worth the attachment. Things… not worth the attachment either. We actually removed the storm door to open the main door to get into the room from the porch. It had been nailed shut, into the frame. But now, the inside door doesn’t lock. Oh well. We’ll see. – There are chain saws in that room. 2 I believe. I suggested removing all the tools and such to the garage, but Jackie wants to keep them in the house. I don’t understand, but… – Broke for lunch. She made tuna sandwiches. How nice… real food. And then got busy cooking a corn-pudding from the fresh corn of their harvest last year that she’d frozen. She made a ramikin for me to take along… fresh out of the over, hot. I had it for dinner when I got back to the hose this evening at 17.00 – There’s still no e-mail from the PO. I expect it to come this week though. Beginning of the month and such. The “interview” for Milton came on the 2nd last month. Hopefully it will come very soon now. I WANT TO GET TO WORK!!! – Just noticed the HLS’s car is gone. I wonder where… I won’t ask. They’re all in… the car is gone. – When I got back to the house this evening, Dixie was SO HAPPY to see me! SO HAPPY! I wonder what they did to her today… the fucking freaks. She likes me… and I’m sure that burns them up! – I’m a little bit hungry at the moment… for something sweet. I’m betting I’m diabetic. Oh well… no cause for concern.) – I NEED a shower too! Surely, I’ll simply take one before getting to bed tonight. That room at Jackie’s is FILTHY! and dark. Dank and musty. The only nice bit about it, for living/residing, is the door to the porch… which is right beside her bed-room. Oh well. No privacy there. Need to face it: There’ll never be another Richford. But I had one… once upon a time. I still think that Jackie would like me to say that I’ll take the room. But she gets 800 from the folks up-stairs and she mentioned 400 for that room. 400!? It about the money and nobody considers the space or the privacy. It’s like here… a room… nothing more. And I don’t know how/if it’s heated. And… worst of all: it’s DARK! No windows… just the door. Anyway, I don’t want to stay in Vermont… I want to get back to NY now. – Tired right now. Just having an Earl Grey, hoping it will settle my tummy. – Forgot to mention: They were all at pizza when I came in. HLS offered a l slice. I declined saying I’d had a sandwich with Jackie. Moments later, he announced that there was none left (anyway). Ca ce peut tu? Evil… just evil. Offer something knowing that there was none. – I’m expecting another break out tomorrow at the first of the month. If so… to court. I anticipate being told horrible things and that line “You owe us…” Well… as I say… say something at this juncture and I’ll take the matter to court. Even Jackie said that if those tenants in her house on the Square rd. were to go to court mid-July, by the time it was all done, they wouldn’t be out until September. I’m not at a job… but I have receipts of money paid into this place… and I can now say that it was 500/month… and that would most certainly knock a few “benefits” off of the current situation. PLUS the mention of the freak. Okay then. Sure. – 22.50 Just up from last smoke. Sat with HLS for a bit and had TWO slices of Pennyfukrz apple bread/cake! TWO! And chatted about ancestry and Vermont and such. Delightful. Shame, really that I have no trust in anybody here any longer. I’m still waiting for the “You HAVE to go!” notice. Oh well… we shall see. – Hoping tomorrow will post the 194 and that I can make it last through the 31 days to follow. I don’t see how, but I can hope. And I’m hoping that news from the PO comes tomorrow… but that’s a daily thing now. Truth is, the C. won’t be back until Thursday and I doubt anything will be done until then. But… we shall see there as well. – I also have ideas for the herb “garden” and this evening HLS told me “As long as you have ideas to enhance the property, go for it.” Trust issues… – Meanwhile, I was hoping to shower but… I’ll be sleeping in the dust remnants tonight. Hopefully (again with the hope shit) I’ll be able to sleep. I feel a little cruddy, a bit dusty. But not filthy… at least. A tad itchy. But… – 23.40 time to try for sleep…