Sun.1Apr 5.40: Woke at 5.20 to 15•! Yes, FIFTEEN degrees… IN-side the house! So OK now. I might be two weeks behind in the rent as of today (at mid-night, as a technicality), but, 15•, no light in the loo… not using any more space in the fridge but the one crisper drawer, one narrow cup-board in the kitchen, not using gas for stove, rarely using the microwave… 800$/month. Time to re-locate… indeed. – 11.00 It got so cold in here that I couldn’t hold a pencil let alone a brush! So I went back to bed to warm up. There, screwed my day! I’m getting a late start. And… it’s still only 17• in here! And yes, they’re awake, in the kitchen. Oh well… It’s a matter of “Get money-Get OUT!” – 21.08 Fresh out of a hot shower… brought the temperature up to 20! Woofukkin-t. But I feel good… and warm too. – The day? When I went down-stairs, all was hunky-dory. We schmoozed. I helped Steve set-up his seed-starter nook in the kitchen and he offered seeds if I choose to plant. Helped move the dining table… he was in “cleaning” mode. I mentioned going to Loewes/HomeDepot about the loo light. Nothing in response. I don’t understand how he doesn’t take any interest. I could, potentially, damage the house or the fixture. But the apathy is quite remarkable. So? At about 13.30 I was out and off. – FletcherLib to check e-mails, transfer images to the iPod, post to Journal. It was a bit “interesting” today. Burlington is taking to the out-of-doors with the coming of Spring. What a shame I’m in “dysmorphic” mode. I’m in a mind-set of not giving a shit other-wise. I don’t much care what VT thinks of me any longer. And I’m going with that. – Stopped at Cumberland for the last 20$ in gas. It’s up to 2,90 the gal. these days! Friggin government crap, that. – Loewes. Not a bit of help. I looked into a few boxes of ceiling fixtures for instructions… nothing. I gave up. – Route 7 Deli. Last cash for cigs until Thursday. It’s going to be THAT kind of week coming. I don’t look forward to it. – Back at the house, I ATTACKED the ceiling fixture and… HAD TO TAKE THE ENTIRE THING DOWN… WIRING AND ALL! SHIT! CUT THE BREAKER AND HAVE AT IT! WELL! FINALLY! DONE! I even had to manipulate the mounting screws… Philips-head… with the nail clippers from Dollar Tree! No tools in the house! No help, no assistance, no tools, no shit. But it’s done, and I did it… ALONE! – S&T went out to market, I grabbed the Hoover. The room’s done at last! The light and the carpet. OK! The month begins. – Dinner tonight: 2 rolls with butter, a muffin and a tin of tuna. Daily intake: dinner plus a muffin at “breakfast”. After the shower, I made a warm milk… powdered milk, hot tap water. – 21.30 S. did a wash (now drying), they’ve only JUST gotten to their dinner. Up, down, up, down the stairs. Chit-chat-giggle-giggle-tee-hee-chit-chat. – This place might be on the lake, handy for the Summer, but… new job and I leave Shrlbrn for NORTH of exit 17! Mama? The Post Office job would be great… and too, CIS… very soon please? – And now, a tea light lit, me on the cot, the comforter awaits and so too the train to Dreamland. A new month… on the 24th I’ll be here SIX MONTHS! Half the first year! Jeez!
PS: the old Emmanuele LP is available on iTunes! I need cash!

Mon.2Apr 18.23: 18•! – 21.27 A short entry for a day. Sirus left early today, tonsillitis he believes. I listened to music and got quite a bit accomplished. – Steve was home when I arrived. No laundry or hot dinner for me. Why? I just won’t. No particular reason. – A TEXT FROM MOTEK! WOOHOO! He still does it… “the mood isn’t over…” (Adelle). – Sirus and I exchanged a few text messages today. – The only major accomplishment in my “Life”… lined paper as writing guide. I MUST write to Nancy! – And so… imagine this… the day. Isn’t that speshul? (No messages from J.San! Hmm… Me? Not in the mood to communicate until her sister is gone.) – 21.34 I hear the washer going. Steve should be putting clothes in the dryer too. And I’m hungry. “Food” is gone. Rolls remain. And no money til Thursday. My goodness. But I’m working! (And there’s been no mention of rent.) – 20• and chilly. – Off to bed.

Tue.3Aprr 5.01: DREAM: A VW Beetle. It was early morning, still dark. I was in NYC and had to drive a very long distance to get home. I’d gone to CM’s to get what few items she’d had at her house (but in the dream, CM was one and the same as J.San some-how). We were at odds because she’d lost or thrown-out most of what I’d entrusted her with. The car was packed with my belongings. I woke this morning, got ready for the trip, went to the car, parked in a lot, gravel and dirt, it was COVERED in yellow pollen and the windshield had bowed in toward the inside of the car! As if heat had almost melted it. I opened the door to find that the “inside” windshield had separated and dropped inside the car! I had to clean it and put it back but couldn’t figure out how because it no longer fit… I couldn’t get it up over the steering wheel. And there were moisture stains on the “external” windshield (as if the whole windshield was double-pane glass). I washed the inside of the “external” windshield and the “internal” windshield, all the while in a panic about being late starting my trip and worried that the whole thing would pop back out as I drove. I couldn’t figure how this happened in the first place; Vandalism? Heat over-night? My sister? I tried and tried to put the “internal” glass back. Then, another part of the windshield: White plastic mesh, similar to a kitchen scrub pad or air-conditioner dust filtre … some sort of “insulation” that needed to be put in as well. The piece was as large as the windshield and needed to be washed because of the pollen, but when I washed it, it shrunk to the size of a kitchen scrub pad! I stretched it back to proper size and, sitting in the car, thought that I could certainly get along with only the “external” windshield that was now no longer bowed-in (I don’t know how that happened but it did-so as I was cleaning the “internal” parts). I’d need to re-seal the windshield that was already in place, but if I didn’t drive too fast, it would hold as it was. In some fashion I realised that windshields weren’t double-pane glass, that the white mesh wasn’t part of it because I wouldn’t be able to see through it. But where did all these “extra” parts come from? I wondered… a prank to slow me down, make me leave late? But I couldn’t get rid of the panic and the “need” to replace everything. And I didn’t have any tools to do this job nor the money to have it done by a garage! Just before I woke out of the dream I realised that I only had to get rid of the windshield that was inside the car because it obviously didn’t belong to my car, clean and re-seal the windshield that was on the car, drive cautiously and all would be fine. END –
-A 17• morning. How I wish I’d bought the heater at Williston Liquidators. This is insanity! But I thought, yesterday: This was the dogs’ favourite room so of course, it’s the coldest in the house; when we had those few very warm days the house smelled if dog, but in cooler days it doesn’t so he keeps the place cooler to keep that odour away. Still, I need a heater in here, if only for the short while I’m actually in here. I can’t hold a pen (to write Nancy) nor a brush (to paint) because my hands get too cold! It’s fukkedup! – 5.41 already? Time is slipping by too rapidly. And today will be nothing to eat all day, just under a half-tank of gas, still on the same psck of cigs from Sunday and 5$ to my name. And nobody knows… Well, here we go. Get through today, tomorrow and on Thu. evening… HOPEFULLY things will change for the better. – But what brought on that DREAM? – 20.15 and 19•. – Today was quite… I worked alone for a couple of hours this morning, Silus (not Sirus so I learned) came in late but we had the greatest fun! And what an education I’m getting on the Japanese! The people I’ve thought of as respectable and peaceful are, in fact, quite violent and ruthless! But there’s a “YouTube” presentation where-on a young Japanese girl makes fun of the Japanese mispronunciations (enormous genitals/enormous janitors). It actually got me laughing to tears! I can’t remember when I last did that! – And the commute? I cut another mile off this morning! The gas should hold nicely until Thursday at this rate. It’s up to 3,999$ in Essex today! Fukking US govt. games. Disgusting bastards. There’s no tangible, sensible reason for these prices. Salaries aren’t increasing at this rate (gas prices rise on a daily basis lately). There’s no “Reality” in anything any more. As I’ve thought for years: Human-kind has our-lived its functional purpose in Creation and we will now self-destruct… by starvation, murder or suicide… – I stopped at ShlbrnLib en route home. A check on e-mails brings no word from USPS nor CIS, but there are about 5 PMR spots open… 9,45$/hr! St Albans Bay and Fairfield! I am NOT driving that distance for that responsibility at that pay! Mange la marde! – I’ll be patient (and hope for a great break… I’m rather stupid). – At home, Steve was doing yard work. We had great chat as usual (and nothing mentioned about back rent due… amazing). I must admit, I like talking with him even though I’m still never quite certain what to talk about. And we don’t really get to talk for long because neither of us is ever at a koss for something we need to do. – Dinner? (my only daily food intake) A can of black beans, 2 rolls with butter. I’ve 2 muffins left and one is going bad! FOOD! Even that is now dwindling. There’s a LOT of pasta in the cup-board , no sauce or such, and I just don’t feel comfortable strolling in and using the stove and Steve’s cook-ware. I can’t say why… I suppose it’s residual shit, engrained from parental bull-shit. But it succeeds in keeping me from eating. – Today, Silus requested I make him a t-shirt: Flatlander. I told Steve about the idea and he says there might be quite a market for them! I need silkscreen… QUICKLY! (Yet ANOTHER “need”!) – I also need to write Nancy! But it’s bed-time already. The day just shot by! Time! I need time! (Need. Need. Need. Oh fukme.)

Wed.4Apr 5.03: The last thing I did last night was check for messages on the 802 and 718: Storage Post! Desiré. Just a “Please call when you get this…” Why don’t people leave subject matter when they call? “Mystery”. So I fell asleep wondering. Hopefully it’s just the 6$ difference in April’s payment and not “We auctioned” or “foul odour”. – Life… it just can’t go along stress-free. Meanwhile, I, of course, am prepped for yet another total wipe-out. I’ve no food, no money, nothing to speak of to my name… the Fed is on my back for 25 years… Why not wipe me out… AGAIN? – But the temperature outside is +4 this morning, rain in the forecast and there’s a day at work. Tonight the phone gets cut off and Tomorrow’s pay leaves me one week behind in rent and with the phone payment… NOTHING after. I owe 400 rent, 400 to J.San, 1700 to Doug, 700 to TD. Life is… It just is… – 22.27: It was a day of magnificent drive to work. I took Mt.View Rd, cut another mile off my commute and witnessed some spectacular views at sun-rise! VT, what a beautiful place to wake up in!
It was an entire day with-out Silus. I learned, via text, at lunch break, he had fever and stayed in bed. Poor guy. Spring in the country is getting to him. – At 9.02 I rang StoragePost and Tim answered. Better yet? He REMEMBERS me! Told me that Desiré rang to confirm receipt of payment! How sweet is that? – It was the last day at Revision! Paul came round to apologise for not having enough work to keep us through the week. I learned: he came here, 15 years ago from Delaware! And the company is only 10 years old. Also, the US military withdrawl in the MidEast will affect them harshly. “War is money,” indeed. – It was a day if driving a co-worker into BTV. I still don’t know her name but she was always quite sweet toward me. When I saw her, waiting for the bus, in cold and drizzle, I HAD to stop and offer a ride into BTV! We chatted all the way. She said “I think you’re awesome!” (I wonder what people see in me that I don’t.) It was a relief because she’d offered me a place at their table one day and I never took it. I thought they might think me “aloof” (a la Steve Landes… Ah… Mr. G’s!) – It was a day of NRA membership. “Vermont Member”. Temporary card,unsolicited! ME! Imagine? – *It was THE DAY I GOT TO MONTPELIER! Janice texted to ask what I was doing, she was at Marge’s, I stopped by. She was to attend an Autism presentation in Montpelier and asked if I would join her. I was hesitant but accepted (to finally get to the capitol, mostly). A day of seeing Ann Barabano (in Montpelier): As we walkedby the cafeteria where the presentations were being held, I spied Ann and she, me. We waved. Janice couldn’t get over: first visit to the capitol and *I* knew somebody! It was SUCH a delight to see Ann, my first real acquaintance in VT, And it was a pleasure talking with her!A day of roaming the capitol bldg. One can do that here. VT… how WONDERFUL! A gorgeous sun-set on the drive back. – Briefly visited with Marge. – Of hitting a rabbit on Clearwater!!! Why I didn’t take it as slowly as I always do… I don’t know. But I saw the rabbit, hit the break, heard a “crunch”! I don’t “know for certain” but… it makes me sick to think… – A beautiful chat with Steve whilst sitting on the front steps this evening. – A day of being DRAGGED into Janice&Doug’s drama! (a day of becoming pissed beyond words) – A day when I almost regret where I am (for the first time… and SHE is responsible for this). – A night where Janice covered the phone bill (Now I owe her 445$!). – A night of one drink (light) before bed. – It’s been… a day!

Thu5Apr 3.07: DREAM short; In a new house, unfurnished, empty rooms, with Janice. Palm-sized all yellow bee! It buzzes about, she finds it pretty, &c. I tell her to keep it amused whilst I get bug spray in the other room. She talks with it and as I entre the room, it alights from the floor and heads directly for me! I spray it and it flies INTO my shirt! I’m scared out of my mind about potentially bring stung and Janice is laughing. I wake…
– The Janice/bee/sting is too obvious to work with. But the YELLOW again! And Tuesday’s dream association of POLLEN (yellow on the car). Now yellow pollen and yellow bee. – Free-Associating: Silus, Japanese, Asian=”Yellow”, last evening Steve mentioning “Yellowman” the reggae singer,
– I sent 3 texts to Janice about having called Doug last evening. Sher actually called me to ask if he talked to me about “them”, and whilst she’s on the phone, he calls m. I told her that she needs to stop involving me just as her sister does. – 3.20 and I’m so wound I’m awake! And MAD-ANGRY! – 4.10 Still awake. STEAM! coming up! WARMTH! – 13.44! I went back to sleep and woke at 8friggin45! – Am not too pleased but managed to wash jeans, shirts, unders, comforter cover. Hoovered the house. Did the dishes. Organised the closet. Packed the towels from Debbie and various items on loan from J.San. Msgs back and forth to her: I’ve decided to return to NY. (Truthfully, before Doug tells me he’s taking the car back and Steve tells me to get out, my brain is in “Retreat/Return”.) – Now? Time to get ready, on the road. Bring things for St.Albans to Marge, maybe see Fran, maybe go to the banque. But in any event… get out, get “accomplished”. – Sunday is Easter already! Pesach season arrives too! Amazing! It really IS Spring season! Winter just skipped right by. – 23.20 (20•… Tara’s here… we have heat.) – Well, I “accomplished” indeed. I felt like all Hell as I drove up Clearwater, looking for the bunny I’d hit last night. But… NO BUNNY! Maybe a hawk took it, or maybe it didn’t actually get killed. Maybe it just got banged a bit. In any event, thete’s no indication that anything hapoened at all! If I was able to “feel” anything, I’d be relieved. Fact is, malnutrition this past week prohibits much of anything. I was “spaced” for most of the day. I had to force myself to be attentive of everything I did. Even now, though not quite as severe, I have to pay attention. Still, I headed out and went directly to the ATM to find only 190 in the account! 32 hours of work brought about 185$! 5,78$/hour! 3,22/hour stolen! The bulk, no doubt, in Fed taxes to support Obama’s bastard illegals and the rest of the damned refugees and scumbags! I can’t describe my anger and resentment. But I don’t have to like any of them and I, personally, am not obligated to be kind to any of them… and I most certainly won’t be. It eats at me. I withdrew 180$. – I’d bagged Janice’s food containers, Marge’s container and Debbie’s linens and I attached a note to the bag describing what was in the bag and thanking Marge (with all my heart). I left it right out-side her door, didn’t knock, just left it and went on my way to… Williston Liquidators for “Boost-Plus”. I was afraid to eat anything at this point for fear it would cause the runs. WELL! The trip paid off: Boost 6-packs at 2,99$ (I got 2) and my heater? The one I have in storage? 4,99$! I got one! I GOT ONE! HEAT! (I hope it actually works and doesn’t make terrible noise. I didn’t bring it into the house since Steve and Tara were here when I arrived.) In the parking lot, I had 2 Boosts (700 calories right away! Yay!) – On to Williston Goodwill: a large white towel for the floor after shower and 2 brown hand-towels (1,99$ each). I actually didn’t get a tempting pair of f-boots (only 4,99$). I’m so proud of me! – A.C.Moore just to price silk screen? They had NOTHING! So… headed back. I’d wanted to get to ShlbrnLib tonight but it was, by now, after 19.00 AND I was well under 1/4 tank of gas. So… to Winooski where Mobil was 3,92/gal! Other stations are already up to 4,05$! 30$ in gas, 8$ for cigs and almost a full tank! (I thought: the car has gas and I have no food. Full tank, empty stomach. Fukking WRONG!) – Time to head home. One stop at CreativeHabitat where just the screen, a cheap piece of shit screen is 33$!!! I thought: Sharpie! It worked well on my “Occupy” sweatshirt! OK! I’ll lettre a shirt in Sharpie for starts. – I sent a text to Silus asking his shirt size. He gets the 1st (or at least the best). He replied and asked if Adecco was giving me more work. Tough times, they are a-comin’. – Home. I passed ShlbrnGoodwill! Not even a stop’n’browse! Yay ME! – When I arrived, indeed, Tara was here… already drinking. We chatted. Steve chatted. I came up to the room. – Rang Fran. We’ll meet in BTV tomorrow and I’ll drive her home, stay for dinner. Qe talked for several hours again. Doug tried to ring. I’ll ring him tomorrow morning. – Well, I’ve had 1400 calories in Boost. I’m hungry but have had my calories &c. – S&T were in the kitchen prepping something edible. And now, at 23.59… lights out. No word fm J.San (yay!)

Fri.6Apr 7.31: Tired! And I was up at 5.30 primarily to appear to have someplace to go. – But there’s good news this morn… I actually had a good bm! Nothing to eat all day yesterday, save 4 bottles of Boost (1400 calories). But it got me “going” this morning. – And, when S&T left, I went to the car for the Honeywell, brought it in, plugged it in and with-in 10 minutes, we went from 17 to 20•! IT WORKS! And it cycles… Frequently, but that’s because there’s a noticeable draft in here. Still, so much better than dressing for Iqaluit and still shaking. – On the down side? The phone holds even less charge. I need a new battery and doubt I’ll find one locally. Not good. – So, in a bit it’ll be the beginning of this over-cast day. Adecco, Food Shelf, library, Doug, Fran on the Agenda.. – And all the while I eat me alive with concern over the rent. – I wonder if I should take 45$ for a membership in SEABA… exhibits and art sales. I invested in it in Nbg and it truly paid-off. I remember being told: “You have to invest in yourself.” Indeed, I did, to my benefit. If I’m to stay here, in VT, perhaps I must invest… again. – (*12.05 on Saturday 7 April*) Run-down: Rang Adecco this morning and Casey offered a spot at a “book preservation” company out in Essex, but I needed to up-date my CV to include JPMC and Revision so I was off and running right away this morning. – First stop, Foodshelf for groceries. I need FOOD! The “sign-in” was quick, the selection rather sparse but I managed to get peanut-butter with my items so that’s good. – Next: DoL to update and e-mail my CV followed by the PostOffice (for nothing). Back to the house to drop groceries. – I rang Doug.. he says he will re-registre the car! This man is AMAZING! and I’m EXTREMELY grateful to him! Meanwhile, in spite of the St.Albans bull-shit, it’s been established that all is OK between him and me. THAT is such a relief to me! I don’t want or need any enemies here, especially caused by stupidity. As we talked, Adecco called and I some-how got the call… An offer to work a CustSvce job… IN FRENCH! TWO jobs possible now and one BI-LINGUAL! OK! – I got back to Doug who said “Just call about once a week to let me know how you’re doing.” Agreed. – On to continue the day and I was out the door and off to ShlbnrmLib to get my art biodone before going to get Fran in BTV. Me? Shit4Brains again: A guy was applying on-line for a job and having trouble so… yup… I offered to “help”. NEVER GOT MY BIO! I NEED to learn to mind my own busniess! Next thing I knew it was time to go to pick up Fran at HlthCtr. – I arrived at 15.15… we left there at 16.00 and were off to Jericho…
It’ ever so easy to get to, very rural, open, mountainous and just beautiful, like just about all of VT. She has a very old and small dog (Sparky) who is rather cute in his own way. But for his age, so full of energy! – We sat for the longest while and she brought out a beautiful meatloaf! Honestly, it should have been photographed before we ate it. And… it was equally DEElish! After, we managed to drink coffee and eat meringue cookies. She used only egg-whites and sugar and to that added mint, chocolate chips and cherries. Really good! – On into the night we talked. She told me that I’ve been a great help to her since her husband died. We talked about their years together whilst we rolled cigarettes. – The conversation turned to the topic of J.San… seems we have become the “parentals” in her life, but, interestingly, what she is doing with her relationship with Doug is what she’s done through her past: She gets involved and then, after a while, makes the situation so intolerable that people leave her! Well indeed. So I’ll be a-waiting my turn… no doubt it will be coming very soon. – We talked on into the hours and suddenly I noticed the time!!!!! I LEFT AT FIVE A.M. SATURDAY MORNING! I just can’t believe that we managed to get so involved and interested in the conversation that we both lost all track of time! I hit the road, quite nervous because it was still dark, it was the first time I’d been out here(there) and I was TRULY EXHAUSTED (I have to admit, it reminded me of the days of driving the Woodstock-Nbg trip on Sunday mornings after a great night at the Townhouse… Still… I was on back roads, not familiar with the terrain..). I made it home at 6.00 (on Saturday morning) and went directly to bed (in the cold room).

Sat.7Apr 11.59: Just waking! Couldn’t find my reading glasses, not in the tube! Finally found them in a pocket in the back-pack. Couldn’t find the stylus for the iPod. It was in the bottom of the green bag. Trying to have a dump without morning cig because… well, just because. Welcome to Pesach!-(Sunday 8.47) A rather atypically quiet Saturday in the house today. Steve left with the Girls. I showered in almost no water (washer going… he turned it on and left the house!). – Out by round 13.30 just to get out AND WARM! – I used a “search for bigger work-top” as my “reason for going out. First stop was ReBuild on Pine St. where I found nothing of particular interest and that their prices for re-cycled building materials is rather expensive. Next, across the street to ReCycle North and again, nothing much st all. – While on the street, I went back across to BlackHorse Art Supplies (still looking into the possibility of silk screening t-shirts) and it was… closed. – I was in no particular rush to get back to the ice-box room on Clearwater so I decided to drive to WalMart for t-shirt (Silus) sweat-shirt (me) Flatlander (both). As I drove I thought on how I didn’t want to come home because it’s cold there and warm in the car… I’m driving round just to be warm! FUKDISS! – Well, I did get one t and one sweat shirt at WalMart and then, as I was leaving the parking lot, decided to take a jaunt through HomeDepot just in case I might find the work-top. IMAGINE THIS: AT HomeDepot FOUND 9$ MPD BOARD PERFECT SIZE! PRE-CUT! INDEED, IT WAS PURCHASED! Home to put it on the rack. – Went for smoke and walk with Steve. We talked about new job prospects. Tara is here and not feeling well. – Back into COLD house. – Rang Fran at 18.48…. SEVEN-HOUR call! – A note: I ate one can of beans from FoodShelf and 4 poptarts all day.

Sun.8Apr 9.03: Easter. Over-cast. Quiet house. COLD house. Contemplating the heater but there’s the noise factor and, as was the issue in Rockaway, I wonder if it’ll cause static on television (if S&T are awake and watching). I don’t really know if they’re even awake but… Seriously? If this place doesn’t warm-up, the heater will be coming out and running. – Imagine… yesterday, not one bit of communication from J.San! (9.08 Water running in the house. Somebidy else is awake. Jollyfuk.) I’m not being punative, but what does bother me is the thought that it’s rather nice, after a fashion: none of the “2-Saint Drama” (St.Albans/George). There’s a comfort in knowing that I might be dragged into something even in my distance but I’ve not participated in any way so my distance gives me the right to anger and disgust. Tahdah. In any event, fukkem and let them be. I need peace and focus now. – Easter in New England… most stores will be closed meaning nothing to do out there. There’s a grand temptation to hit the road and try for Storage but I’m very unsure about the tyres. Typical “my life”… I’ve got the time but not the means… however, at some point I just might be saying “Fukkit” and try. Who knows? – It’s “Bio” and “t-shirt” day! Time to get busy on the “New and Expanded” work-top (make back the investment). – *10.13 I’ve tried to do some work on the Flatlander shirts but PHYSICALLY CAN’T!!!!! 17• in here, I can’t hold pencil or brush, can’t sketch or paint, can’t write Nancy, and am SO TIRED because of HYPOTHERMIA!!!!! I just want to SLEEP!!!!! FUKKED!!! * – 20.26 and back in m’jammies, on the cot, Les Colocs “Bon Yeau Donne-moé Un Job” on the radio and it’s 21,5•! I’m comfy-cozy. Got my FLATLANDER sweat done AND a T-shirt for Silus! Never stepped out the door, but I accomplished. – Now, at 20.29 the children are playing music and giggle-giggle-tee-hee in the kitchen. It was a dead quiet day. For a while, they even took the Girls for a few hours’ travel. Silence ruled! And I painted. I also kept the little heater on, just under the “desk”. It kept this room delightfully comfortable… and it cycled… it didn’t have to keep running. So it didn’t blow the monthly electric. Tomorrow I’ll go check the metre as it runs to see how much power it uses. In reality, it’s not much more than a blow-dryer. So… But I just will not sit in here, nodding because of hypothermia. Not at 800$/month… 600 of which is now past due, by the way. – Whilst alone, I slapped a mac’n’cheese box together in what “was” the bowl from the salad from the day with Janice at Little Indian Brook. It now is a “plate”… 2 mins in the microwave… transformation! – Silus is working in a factory (“making soap” he says). So… a quiet week to come for me. Although I promised Fran I’d take her to DMV during the week. Then there’s one confirmed job interview. BUT I NEED MONEY NOW! – OK. Finish my little beverage and HOPE the children will settle-in soon… for the night. – Sunday is done. I wish I had a Bronx bath-tub, hot water, (water at all, fuk), snd s place of my own to call “Home”‘

Mon.9Apr 5.59: I was up at 4.45 this morning. – Last night at what must have been round 23.00, the children were in the kitchen, every light in the house on brilliantly, giggle-giggle-tee-hee and hahahahah. I don’t like children, particularly disrespectful children, nor 40-year-old children. – Once again, my mind is on moving out. – New jobs are on the horizon and the horizon is full of new places to go to. – It was a comfortable 18• in here this morning but somehow it’s become an uncomfortably cold 18•. Last night I got over-heated under the comforter and tossed before sleep. Tara came here quite ill on Friday… I’d better not catch anything this week. – Well, I hear stirring in the kitchen and water running. GO! I’m cold and disgruntled. And I want a smoke… and will be out of coffee next one. – Monday… BFD. (On Tue 14.32..) The children departed and I returned to the lettre, now on the 2nd page, to Nancy. At about 13.00, I rang Fran. I’d promised to take her to DMV this week, but not necessarily today, and thought it rather late at this hour because DMV closes at 16.00 and I’d still have to get from here to there (Jericho) and then to So.BTV… She was cooking tonight’s dinner and was ready to go today! I couldn’t disappoint her so… at 13.30 I was out the door and racing off to Jericho (20,7mi and about 45mins away). When I arrived at her place, dinner was, indeed, cooking: spaghetti sauce… with chicken and Italian sausage! Pork! Oh well. – Had a coffee and we were off and running. Made it to the DMV by about 15.30. I helped by completing the forms. A “Non-Driver’s Enhanced ID” is what she’d wanted but DMV insisted on a SocSec card (DHS, said the woman, insists… the Fed… what a crock it is). Fran doesn’t have one so she settled for the ID. I promised we’d go to SocSec on Friday… if I’m not working, to get her a card. – Done, we hopped over to Barnes&Noble so I could get a much-needed French dictionary (I’m hoping I get this bi-ling job!) and headed to Hannafords (Williston) so I could get coffee… Over the back roads and back to Jericho for dinner. – It amazes me that I know where I’m going here. Back roads of VT, in only just under 5 months. This place really IS rapidly becoming “Home”! And WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DRIVE TODAY! As we approached her home, I could see that the tops of the mountains were dusted with SNOW and there was more coming up there! Down below, all was clear, not even rain. IT WAS A MAGNIFICENT SIGHT TO BEHOLD, just AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL! VT! My “Home”… so inspiring! – We had spaghetti for dinner and for dessert? Apricits and bannanas with a brown sugar/butter sauce! WIW!
After dinner, Fran packed TWO blocks of CHEESE for me! WooHoo! FOOD! CHEESE! – The night came… and… in spite of my resolve to leave at a “regular” hour… THE ENTIRE NIGHT WENT… TALKING AND COFFEE AND ROLLING CIGARETTES!!!!! I’d said I wasn’t going to stay until 5.00 and, well, I didn’t. I left at 8.00 on… TUESDAY MORNING!!!!!…*

*Tue.10Apr 14.27: (Woke, still a bit light-headed, from about 4 hours of what can only be called an “insufficient nap”.) I don’t know where I got the stamina, but I drove into BTV this morning to DoL, strode into the office, sat at a computer, popped the FlashDrive and printed my CV. Checked e-mails, transferred images and last week’s Journal entries… (the Journal entries are incomplete so I’ll have to re-post at some point). UNBELIEVABLE! NO SLEEP IN 28 HOURS by that time, a 20-something mile drive in from rural VT and there I was. I HAD to get the CV printed for tomorrow’s interview and I did so. – As I was finishing, Caroline was working at another terminal. We spoke, ever so briefly and the JANICE APPEARED in the office! I went over to speak, politely and… SHE GAVE ME A BRUSH-OFF! LOOKED AT ME AND TURNED AWAY! Well, OK then. Indeed, what I’ve heard is turning to fact: I’m to be blamed for the fiasco that’s transpired. (A discussion on the topic of her: since being an abandoned child, she becomes involved and then shuns people… before they have the opportunity to leave her. A text-book pattern. It’s my turn now to be blamed for something concocted and to be shunned… But I happen to be rather deep in her debt financially… this behaviour is not in her best interest, I should say.) I commented to Mary: I told them to close the gate (into town) but obviously they didn’t, St.Albans made it through. J.San blew me off. Oh well. WhatEVerrrr. – On to “home”, in by about 9.00. 29 hours, no sleep. It was quite chilly in the room. Heater on, I undressed, jammies on and by 9.30… head on pillow with 14.00h alarms set. – 15.02 and although it’s time to wind-down the day, I’ve a few errands to run. – I reek of curry from Fran’s house! Should have made a wash! And I learned why her rolled cigs congest so: pipe tobacco! – Well, time to get moving here. –
!!!!! 21.25 O.M.G .!!!!! U.S.P.S. !!!!!
!!!!! INTERVIEW !!!!!
I showered, dressed and forced my-self into the car and went to Rt7 Deli for real cigs (ahhhhh… how lovely) and headed straight to ShlbrnLib where I got a computer immediately and DID MY BIO for the Art World. It was a bit of a rush to include the words: “and in his home-state of VT…” It IS my “home”… now. I’m quite happy here and Ms. Paranoia Huffingtonne and her psycho-clan are certainly not going to take this from me. – OK. No rush to get back and no rush to leave, I checked e-mails… 2454… judk…. kess. … AND THERE IT WAS!
!!!!! “Invite to Interview” !!!!!
Dated today at 13.49! AT LAST! THE interview! In ALBURGH! I almost shrieked and cried. I shook inside. I printed TWO copies. I headed for the door. I didn’t know what to do, where to go, shit or wind my watch.
!!!!! INTERVIEW !!!!!
I needed to try and find a pine-scent spray to counter the curry odour in my clothes and the cigarette stench in the car so I thought this a perfect opportunity to drive out to Williston, Christmas Tree Shop. I took the Webster Rd to Spear and As I drove along Spear I rang Fran… Yes… “as I drove”… SO VT! But I couldn’t contain my excitement and I just thought, of all people, she’d be appreciative and would actually want to know. She was and she did. She said “I’ve prayed you’d find work, permanent work that you’ll enjoy, and that you’d stay in VT.” Well Fran, it looks like your prayers are being heard and answered. – I went to the Christmas Tree Shop, for the first time. What a great store! So much stuff! Got some air fresheners (and a large Tootsie Roll for dinner). Browsed their mats (only 1,99$! But none that I can actually use presently). At one point I looked at housewares and thought “Soon, I’ll be able to actually look to buy some of these things!”. I was euphoric. – It was beginning to rain as I stopped at BestBuy to checkbon a new battery for the phone… I get only 6minutes of talk on the charge now. The guy was… a loss. No help at all but… – En route back to the house, Citgo on Kennedy for gas. 3,989$ now. This sux. The price of gas is ridiculously high and I don’t brlieve, for a moment, that it’s justified… other than pure greed. – Home… Steve was in, up, fixing dinner for himself and looking “Heimliche”. I thanked him for being so patient with me on my arrears. “Don’t worry about it…” he dismissed it. Told him the great news of the now 2 interviews and possible 3. He almost seemed uncaring, but he was cooking so… – He was off to eat and watch a DVD… I came to my room for 2 cheese sandwiches and hot chocolate (I call it “dinner”) and off to bed myself. Tomorrow is interview at Kofile! The job potentials begin!

Wed.11Apr 4.54: Can you believe the time? I don’t have to leave here until about 8.00 but I’m awake! And looking forward to this morning. Don’t know what I’ll do after the interview, but I’m looking forward to this day. It’s another “VT is my Home” day.
21.30 Heater on. 21• Warmth! – Well, today’s interview went quite well indeed! And I knew where I was going because the office is in the same area as Revision! Kofile is amazing! AND, as I’m being shown the documents they restore, I see: Nbg, Esopus and other small-town NY! (Nbg threw me because I recalled the fiasco of how they tossed records in that old house.) The interview lasted an hour and the end? “You’re in the running.” Start date? The 23rd! Right! As if I’ll wait for a temp job that long. But, the drive was a delight. (That “landing air-craft” noise in the car happened again. Something is truly wrong.) – Back at the house, alone, I got my laundry done, including the “Flatlander” shirts. The t-shirt however, didn’t stand up very well! The paint cracked! I trued to re-paint but I doubt it helped much. Should’ve used exterior or the better grade. But… – Today’s “meal” consisted of 2 peanut-butter/cheese sandwiches. Thank you Fran for the cheese! – “Meal” was followed by an hour’s nap which was followed by… MORE VT DRAMA (The entire state is becoming a TrailerPark… with-out the Red-neck “fun”!)… A woman (Erica) came to yhr house to explain, at great length, that she is having major issues with an ex of Steve’s named Sabrina (oddly, Janice mentions a friend of hers by the sane name… I wonder…). SO… I get brought into yet another episode of “As The State Turns”. I was kind, attentive, told her to come back this evening. (She did… I minded my business…) – I’d finished Nancy’s lettre, made an envelope from a 7Days article on Rutland and wanted to get it posted but the drama lasted too long, it got to be too late. However, Adecco rang… Bi-Ling interview… TOMORROW! Well OK! (I suppose). Hopefully my remaining French is good enough for what they need… 14$/hr (at 30k/yr sal.) isn’t TOO bad. Mais, on verra. On verra… demain à 14h. -Steve got home at 16.30 and was in good spirits (thankfully). Erica returned and I stayed clear. I will NOT become involved with ANY more of this New England melo-drama/soap opera stuff! – Steve’s REALLY pushing the Flatlandwr shirts! He’s convinced it’ll make a huge hit! I offered him 30% commission (Hey! He’s not on me for rent… I owe him more, just on that principle). So, I’ve GOT to find the silk-screening supplies! GOT to! – Today ended with a tin of corn and the tin of peach pie filling. I truly need to do something about getting a place where I can cook… and EAT! – And… yet another day in North New England comes to a close… It ain’t no kinda romantic… but it’s “Home”.

Thu.12Apr 7.32: A new day. A bit of blue sky. Heater on to bring me up to 28•. And… away we go! – (Friday 5.17) WHAT A DAY!!! For the morning hours I got involved with trying to organise the “stuff” at “the work table”. It’s rather amazing, the amount of “stuff” accumlated. After hours of sorting and… there’s still “stray stuff”. I need to check this “acquiring and accumulating”. – Then came the “fun”: Off to the Nokian interview… – Once again I amazed me by knowing how to get to Pine St. with-out going through all of BTV… Black Horse Art supplies. I wanted to check on silk screens! By noon I was there and… they have the screens (wood frames, rather shitty quality, just the screen, no base unlike the screen I had from St.Rose, but instead of 33$ like CreativeHab, there’s are 21$! Yay!). They have the ink, bkock, lift… no squeegee. The guy says most of his order is on back-order. Silk screening is either very dead or very alive… Either way, I have to travel for all I need. But, these Flatlander shirts WILL come! – I DID GET A FOUNTAIN PEN though! 3,60$ and VERY NICE! Old fashioned blue ink, but O YAY! FOUNTAIN PEN! AT LAST! – By just past noon I was heading out to Colchester and the interview. – Having prrcious little idea where I was going, I went… through Winooski, up the 7 and… after a bit of uncertainty… BINGO! My destination… 45mins early! (The car is making noises so I didn’t dare to drive too much so I went.) – The place is WAY off the main road and a beautiful drive. VT… industrious but maintaining the “rural” by hiding it… in the woods. Gotta luv it. – A TRULY WARM welcome and an equally marvelous interview but… bottom line? As Julie (I thought of Demers from Duncanson & Holt but this one is Parent… I thought Kevin) pointed out, thr job DEMANDS MUCH MORE French than I recall after so msny years away. The greatest compliment was when she said “You really DO speak it and you have NO ACCENT!” We agreed that I’d have to spend some time re-acclimating and that I should come back in Autumn. How sweet! The 2 young interviewers THANKED ME fir coming! I left feeling encouraged and yet, slightly disappointed. Yet… I still have N.Hero to complete (and my hopes are there… PLEASE! I want that job!) – En route Back to the Home-stead, a stop at the PO where I got stamps, posted the lettre to Nanc and found… COLLECTIONS NOTICE re TD! I am now MORE than Bitterly Hateful of this country and government! I’m in Collections for just about the exact amount that my tax refund would have covered! What a Grand Fukkover! Meanwhile, c18′s and other nasty so-called refugees are getting free food, housing, cars and… ASSYLUM! And I’M PAYING the tab! Nope… NOT happy at all about this! Now, even MORE detetmined to make the new enterprise work… CASH! – Back at the Homestead by about 15.00, a quick Hoover (and no time to eat… go figure). – Texts from Silus who is out of work. He got me chuckling: After 25, he’s “legally dead”… When I asked what MY status is… After your 38 you get revived and put into “Daddy” status… Says he, it was all seriously explained to him. He was “amused and appalled”. (I’m rather “encouraged”… teehee.) – Off to the ShlbrnLib! A stop at TD where I was ASTONISHED to find over 200 in the acct! I grabbed 140, saving extra for next week’s interview. At the library, Checked many e-mails, a few tidbits on the NbgVoy. En route back, just as I was leaving ShlbrnVil I noticed Steve, headiing into the vilg, on his mobile. It took me: Now I’m passing people I know on thr roads! VT is REALLY becomong “Home”! – Rang Fran this evening. Tomorrow I’ll try to get my silk screen and then her to SocSec and DMV and then get me home early! She received 2 conflicting e-mails from Janice: 1st something about trusting the wrong people (Me? Probably. But I did NOT blow HER off at DoL… Mange la marde, madame.) and 2nd “luv luv luv”ing the new job. Debbie’s gone (CLEAR). Fran says Jan’s gone off the deep end. Either or, I can’t much care. Not at present. – By about 22.00 I got off the phone, lights out… – What a day…

Fri.13Apr 6.05: Caught up with yesterday. There’s no stirring in the house. I wanted to be out in the yard picking up the piles of yard debris by about 7.45 latest but it appears S. will be taking the day off? If so… re-calc! – Nice day out there too… but “damp-chilly” in here this morning. – 19.28 and the party has begun! Matt’s here. Tara’s here. The speakers are cranked. And me? I took an hour’s nap following a “La Fin duMonde” (Maudite in the closet awaits), and I’m enjoying a smoke… in the room! With Tara here, it makes no difference, the house fills with her smoke anyway. OK? OK then. – The day? By 8 I was in the yard, wheel-barrow, pine needles and leaves, on to the felled twigs. By 11, the yard was clean! A call to Fran to postpone today’s foray to SocSec and DMV. Washed the black jeans worn for yard-work, showered and off to Black Horse: I have a silkscreen and ink! I was pondering BTV but traffic and congestion forbade. Imagine? I now find BTV too congested! NYC is GONE! I don’t know WHAT I’ll do when I have to go to storage now! (But I’m pondering a mid-night departure tonight if the “WooHOO”-Tara doesn’t quit by then.) – Decided “No BTV”… headed for McD’s… McFukkitz and a shake and so. – I dropped by the ShlbrnLib for basic silkscreen tips on-line. Having some time I found MORE of my PAINTINGS!!! SHAWANGUNKS! A Minnewaska site! An old CV on Angelfire! A NY Times article. THR lettres. I printed some but the WiFi went out so I had to quit. Fuuuuk! My Hx on-line. – En route to the house, stopped at Rte7 Deli: cigs and… bière! Fukkit! OK? OK! A bottle of “Maudite” and a bottle of “La Fin Du Monde”! – When I got here, Honey was on the road. In the house, Tara gave me a curt “Hello” and a “I feel like my shirt’s a straight jacket, I’ve gotten so fat!” I showed Steve the silkscreen and talked, briefly, about yesterday’s interview. He seemed a bit disinterested. Matt arrived and I came to “my room” where I finished “La Fin du Monde”… O! SO GOOD! – As I say, a nap, followed by a tin of carrots and a tin of tuna. “Dinner”. And here we are. – 20.49 Honey is barking. Sereena is howling. Tara is encouraging them. I’ve had to increase the volume on my radio to drown the screaming and thump-thump from what-ever they’re (not) listening to on the speakers. Party-In-Full tonight. Hmmm… – 21.50 The “Get Down Get Funky” has gone silent. They’ve ALL left! To The Shack/Shed? Who cares? Not I. – N.Troy is, as the crow flies, about 22,5km (14mi) from N.Hero! It’s quite “away” from Shelburne but… There’s a road-trip coming. I MUST to have a “GoSee”. I have the phone exchange. Now to see if I can get mobile service and… a place to call “chez moi” là. – Just finishing la Maudite. A trip to Ozone Park at midnight is scrapped. I’ve had TWO ales. – Heater on. Up to 21•. Honey is barking. But I’ll be “out of it soon”. I just ponder the mayhem when the partiers return… Tomorrow will be peaceful… as usual… licking wounds and hangovers. – Just went down-stairs… total calm. La nuit est terminé… pour l’moment. – “Pour l’moment” indeed! The words “SHUT UP” and “NO” rang, repeatedly for quite the while after the “calm”… First it was Honey, yipping, yapping and yelping! Sareena followed with barking and howling! Nothing and no one about but it started to sound like a pet shop full of disgruntled and depressed canines! Over and over and again and again! At one point, I went down to talk with them, hoping a presence in the house would comfort. It worked… for a short while. I tried for sleep… Not even the 2 750ml ales helped… and then… I got comfortable and began drifting off to sleep… UNTIL…

Sat.14Apr 8.21: It had to be round 1.00 or a bit later (bars close at 2.00 if memory serves) when the cacaphony recommenced! The boozers came back. That’s when the Drama began. Per the usual and some-what regular affairs and events: “NO! I’m sick of IT and I’m sick of YOU!” says she. Nothing heard from him. “NO! Don’t touch me!” says she. Some muffled grumbles in a male registre followed by the female mumbles, obviously irate. I can’t say how long this went on because I took comfort in knowing that their presence would keep the hounds quiet and, the argument’s tone and volume was kept at a rather low(ish) volume… mumble.mumble.grumble… I fell asleep… at last! – Just befire the 7.00 alarm, I woke, waited for the alarm, drifted back to sleep (that comforter… no wonder they call them “comforter”… has been my very best 5$ investment!) and at about 8.00, finally got out of bed to a glorious morning. Rather nicely cool-warm.- 21.39 Well dear god, it tuned alright. At about 13.00 it was off to the car wash(Sea-something on the Shelburne Rd.). Cost me a FORTUNE! 17$ total. FUK!) But I got the trubk too. – Then to WalMart for cleaner for floor and seats. I actually did the back seat in the parking lot. SO WalMart of me. – Quick stop, no purchase, at Goodwill (imagine that!) and then to home. – As I cleaned the car out before going to the car-eash, I found the “Owner’s Manual” in the glove box, so, upon returning, I settled in to read. S&T were out back on the deck, music blaring. I went directly to my room for a few helpings of the “Life” cereal I’d purchased at WalMart as I read. – When I went down-staurs to put the manual back, I stopped to say “Hi” and check the mood: all was, as expected, kissykissy again. But quite the story on last night’s events… They’d gone to the bar, Matt passed out and doesn’t remember leaving there or how he got home (apparently the “norm”), he just disappeared, leaving them to take a taxi home, these 2 gave the driver a go for his money (their tif having already been in full swing when they left the bar). As Tara put it: “Just another Friday.” – Well then, Steve left to get a movie and pizza for them. I drove up to the Rt7Deli for cigs and a “Maudite”. There, I got into a conversation about people who complain about things in a neighbourhood AFTER they move in. Made quite the hit when I said “Shoot ‘em.” Much laughter and a ” Have a great week-end, Hon!” It makes me feel quite nice to be accepted here… in my new “Home”. As I left, some young fellow got into his car with a 6-pack of local beer and… a “La Fin du Monde”! Only one. In retrospect, I should have struck a conversation… After all, the ale was a great “opening”. (Hey! It’s Springtime in New England… the sheep must be tired! Enough said.) – A few text msgs from Silus. I wonder why he communicates with me, since he’s with his Mum and I’m much his elder. Oh well… – I occupied my evening, enjoying the “Maudite” and calc’ing “stats-metrique” for the car:
50l:13,2gal fuel tank
38,8km:24mi/gal (10,25km:6,34mi/l)
513km:316,8mi/tank
At 4$/gal.:52$/tank(1,058$/l)
(104$ R/T to storage)
– At 21.47, 21,5• in here, wuth one open window. I had the rest of the New Amsterdam vodka (precious little), finishing my “Maudite” and am off to bed. The house is quiet. “They” are snuggled with pizza and a DVD. VT is safe for the night. And another week-end draws down. – (And, as of tomorrow, I owe 800$ back rent! 445 to J.San, 1700 to Doug, 700 to TD. FUK ME!)

Sun.15Apr 4.30: OK.. Why am I awake at this hour? Not due to cold temperatures; it’s 19• in here. Although I must admit to something rather “off”: my legs. They ache, and don’t, somehow, want to support me. Hmmm. A touch strange. Other-wise iy’s 4.37 and the world seems fine. – I don’t, however, want to attend the turkey dinner in Jericho this evening. My tummy’s just a tad off. (Most of a box of “Life” cereal yesterday? That was my “intake”.) Well, let’s see how this day progresses and then decide. – The decision was made not to go to the dinner, although, at the time, there were no alternative plans. I rang Fran’s number but WOW! was my mobile service nothing shirt of “shitty”! Signal was sporadic at best, but I belueve I got a message to her. I certainly hope it made it. – As I was pfutzing about, Silus sent a few text messages and suggested a day of “hanging-out”. Well, he’s quite fun and “fun” is something I haven’t had in quite the while… so… – He came by the house, met Steve, Steve met Silus, Silus left his vehicle here and we headed up into BTV… (I wanted to get to the library for some new music… and transfer last week’s Journal to on-line). – The library was relatively empty. Hey! There was sun, great temperatures (warmth), it was, after all, Sunday. People were out! We got a table up on the mezz, I rather quickly went through my little music list and the Journal and… out we went, onto Burlington. – We made a quick stop at Boutellier’s art shop where they had the silk screen squeegee… 10$! (I had my 4 5′s and 3 singles… in other words… BROKE! so I passed on the purchase.) Church St was packed! Oddly enough, for BTV it was great, but for me, it was too much of a crowd. Yes, Burlington has become “too big, too crowded”; I’ve become too “rural”. But we strolled. Silus was hungry (and admittedly, so was I). He wanted Chinese food so we went to a little restaurant that he enjoys, off on (I think it was) Bank. Nice place, in what appears to be a house. The place was empty… they were closed between lunch/dinner. – We went to Henry’s. He had a ham-steak, eggs, &c., I had a burger. This is where I did the stupid move (but, in NYC fairness…?): The bill came to 24$, my burger was 6,95$ I put 15$ toward the total and… got NO CHANGE! 10$ in cash went to the cheque, the rest on Silus’ card, 5$ to the tip. I paid 15$ for A BURGER! In retrospect? He didn’t even OFFER a more equitable split! I’m rather hoping it was a matter of not being too swift in math and not being “advantageous”. But it certainly won’t ever happen again. Still, it was a delight, being with a fellow “Neo-VTer” and onecwith whom the conversation could be quite candid. All said, no complaints. – We trolled Church St. and I took him into “Good Stuff” where the fun and frivolities really began (and we both realised the staunch reality of… VT). We browsed the merchandise: from “toys” to videos. Me, NYC; he SF. To both of us, the stock is SO benign! To VT, it’s probably “THE Forbidden”! In the back, a room of Straight, a room split bet. Gay/Lesb. The smaller wall is Gay. Silus commented: “We’re in the Gay District” and we both demarcated by the side of the room… and got a laugh. It was almost poignant in its own right. Almost, had we not laughed, depressing. – Out to the car and out if BTV! – A stop at Oakledge and the Tree House (he’d not seen the tree house) and a party of drunk Poles. The guys were engaged in a game of lining-up and having others leap onto the backs of the first (poor description but). Silus and I both viewed it as, as he blithely put it: “How homo-erotic!” Of course, it was amusing… to us. – He’d not been out to Shelburne Point so I drove over there via the Bay Rd. It truly is beautiful, in its own right and Silus got to see more of his new “Home-town”. Coming back out, I took the Harbor Rd to the 7 and down to Teddy Bear (Silus said he’s going to apply there the coming week). – Then the “tour” got to be fun and adventurous: Up to the 7 to the Bostwick Rd (I’m using the map now to recount) toward the lake (Nancy Forester, from Teddy Bear, said she lives down that way and I was rather curious), Greenbush Rd to the Lake Rd where, suddenly, an old, crumbling COVERED BRIDGE! (On the atlas map: “Lake Shore Covered Bridge”.) One lane and quite small but… a COVERED BRIDGE! Then, THE HUIARITY: just beyond the bridge, at Windswept Ln, a farm… 3 or 4 jackasses (TRUE) standing along a fence, in a perfect row, perfectly still, and the jokes went: “We drove along a country road, through a covered bridge and past some jackasses lined up along a fence.” and we both laughed to tears!!! The trip went south to the Ferry Rd and east into… Charlotte where, if one wasn’t acclamated to VT, one wouldn’t even know that one actually was IN/AT the town centre! SO TINY! A store. A school. Town Hall. The end. – Back to the 7, back to the house. – Steve was about to walk the Girls and told us, Silus’ car had started itself whilst we were away! We recounted the “bridge’n’jackasses” story. Steve went with the Girls, Silus and I spoke on how we’re both getting dragged into the local Dramas. He’s rather dismissive about it. I suppose I too, should be. – About 19.30 he headed home. – I came in… the attic fan was on, drawing air in through the windows and up into the attic. Quitr impressive and nice. I was, rather for the most part, ignored by the 2. I came to the room for “dinner”: the end of the Life cereal, 2 choc.poptarts with peanut-butter, 2 plain. We’re back to that (but I had a burger… BEEF… earlier). – LaChicane from iTunes is SHIT… HUGE empty space at the end! I HAVE to get to the library to remedy this! Fuk! – And by 21.37… to bed. – WHAT A DAY!

Mon.16Apr 6.10: 17• already this morning and NOAA is “threatening” temps in the upper-upper 20′s! – Earlier this morning, I woke from sleep all but drenched… sweat! Heat is upon us. It’s still April. I am not liking this. – (Tue.13.45) Another All-Nighter with Fran last night. I need to stop… for me, but more for HER! – I got a late start and an hour at the library, looking fir music for the iPod and the drove out to Fran’s… backroads, navugating mostly on gut. What a wonderful thing! Honestly, the state is knock-you-down-dead Gorgeous! – We got into BTV to SocSec and out of there in really wonderful time! Efficient and polite! Then bombed over to DMV. The “receptionist” wasn’t all too sweet but we got the same woman we’d seen last Monday for the rest of today’s business. And I even got her to laugh! HEY HEY! – Fran was hungry when we left (about 16.30 already) and asked where I wanted to eat. (She also said she wanted to give me money for gas but I deflected that… she’s got more expenses… well… probably not more but…) so we decided on Subway, in Essex, at the Shell. She insisted I get the larger sandwich and so: she, teriyaki chicken; me, meatball; soda and crisps. From there, to Big Lots where Fran hit the aisles with no trouble! Garden hose and such, and for 3$, 2 tiny hummingbird feeders for me! (I mentioned that I have a thing for hummies and she insisted on getting the feeders for me. I’m appreciative but I don’t know where I’ll put them.) When she wrnt to the cashe, there was this whole “thing” about her “club” card being under the husband’s name and, as info was changed, the young woman at registre got into this fascination with Fran’s blindness. It was something to behold, the csndid question/answer bit. It somehow brought the “casual-friendly” atmosphere of VT a little closer. For the most part, this truly IS a “trusting” state. It makes me all the more protective of it. The state is very much a “small town” and I hope I don’t ever see that HAVE to change! – On to Jericho…! I drove past the road to Fran’s and quickly got to Underhill! WOW! What a truly marvelous little, post-card village! So un-like BTV. Having worked JPMC with its pompousity and pretense, I appreciate the “villages” all the more. – At the house by about 19.30 or so, I resolved NOT to keep Fran up late tonight but… we got to talking, drinking coffee and such. I DID scan my water-colours! DIGITAL! Ready for On-Line! And… the kicker: At one point, Fran says “I’m about to ask a very, deeply personal question…” And so she did: “You’ve been here for some 5 months now… What are you doing about sex?” Imagine? I was equally candid and said, I have TOO much else to think about; trying to get work, my bearings, my life settled, I don’t have time for that. (Sadly… true.) And then I said “And even in this ‘Gay-friendly-home-of-the-Civil Union’ state it’s just too much to think about right now.” The converaation simply rolled along into stories about Mum, people Fran’s known and the likes. It IS a non-issue, even in VT. – Well… despite my greater intentions, the next thing we heard coming in through the window… CHIRP! The first burd of morning! Another “All-Nighter”! – Fran git up, put 2 bixes of breakfast cereal, a can of peaches, box of milk, bag of dry milk on the table; she was sending me home with food. – It must have been well past 6am/just before 7am when I left. The drive back wasn’t bad, save one moment on Sand Hill when my body JOLTED to stay awake. As I’m becoming more familiar with my surroundings, the need to focus decreases… but… I made it “home” to… the Girls…

Tue.17Apr 20.49: The house is… quiet… and Steve isn’t home yet. I’m “concerned” but really have no rught to be. After all, 2 Mondays in a row, I didn’t come home (Fran). Still… – In bed. Under blankets. It’s gone quite chilly tonight. The Girls git a brisk walk at about 20.00, then fed. They both finished every bit! And they were thristy too. I wonder if anybody was home last night. – Well… I got in at about 7.45 and went straight to bed for about 4 hours. No jammies… it was really quite warm. Not like yesterday, but still un-seasonably warm for this month at this lattitude. Woke at about noon and tried getting me together. Managed to file my nails, finish a box of breakfast cereal and then HAD to clean the inside of the car again: Sparky hair and cig ashes. Honestly. I TRY to keep clean and orderly but people… Then, started to cut my hair with the trimmer? Not enough charge! Had to do with scissors! Not too awfully bad but will need to “clean it up” tomorrow! – A trip to ShlbrnLib (in FLIP-FLOPS!) to waste time on searching iTunes. Not one thing! Got a PC and transferred the VT art to the “blog”. Nbg, TheBx, now VT. Ut’s on there. – En route back at about 19.30, 7Deli for cigs and a WoopiePie (dinner). Shell for 30$ gas. It gives me about 3/4 tank! (21.02 Steve’s home.) – (21.52 Poptarts and… MILK! WooHoo!) – Hopefully the commute to/fm work won’t be 1/4 tank every day! (Bloody bastards in the Fed. There’s NO “real” reason for these prices other than Govt. GREED. And here, so many people live in towns that are dying because they have to move… to better afford their commute… to/fm shit4pay jobs! Makes me sick!) – As for the rest of the day? Ann rang with a cust.svce. job in Richmond. She’ll send me an e-mail to consider. 10$/hr. Temp-to-Hire. – The day ended with another REALLY WONDERFUL chat with Steve. He’d gotten called for an emergency on the job. AND… last night, he tells, the house got so hot he slept out ON THE BACK DECK! (I miss The Bakfort!) – I’m so excited about tomorrow that I’m almost not tired now. – Let Creation know… THE JOB IS MINE!

Wed.18Apr 6.38: *ALBURG* Woke to the buzz of the alarms at about 5.30. Today’s “Inteterview” day in The NORTH Country! Odd: Even this far North, having been to Swanton and auch, knowing there’s still Montréal, Québec, Gaspé and Nunavut up there, it doesn’t feel so “North” here any longer. Still, NOAA has a 7-degree (F) dufference between here and Alburg. Indeed. – Steve and the Girls are up and stirring. I need to “clean up” my haircut, shave and figure what to wear! (Thanks to the Piece o’Shit “family” I HAD, I haven’t any of my “Postal” clothes. May they…) – WELL! AT 9.00 I was AT the top of the road at ShlbrnRd and en route to Alburg. Route: 189, 89 to exit 17 and on the 2. I took my time because (a) I wanted to time it for slowest travel, (b) I didn’t want to push the car too hard, (c) the drive is breath-takingly BEAUTIFUL! Colchester, S.Hero, Grand Isle, N.Hero… Alburg! Just magnificent! And perfect weather! AT 10.00 I was in the PO! And AT 50,1mi! (Steve said ‘Give it 45mins.’) A very small, but important office, smaller than PineBush/Wurtsboro and just larger than WalkerValley. But “familiar” at once. – The PM (Diana) knew my name and particulars! She also seemed a touch miffed that I was early. But we got past that. How she reminded me of M.Scott: charming, personable, kind, to the point, business, stern. She was very sweet, giving me the particulars of the job and all the repeat paper-work the PO is, I see, still requiring. The interview went about an hour and, oddly, Trevor, the “acting PM” for N.Hero, was working the window! So, no PM in N.Hero nor Grand Isle! And the Acting PM from N.Hero there to hear/see the interview! Serendipitous! Diana told me the 1st interviewee declined the job but there were 2 more after me. Me? I came away feeling that the best for the job is me because I KNOW the procedures and process. Give me the key and I’m running. – It seems it went very well but kniwing the PO… they’ll screw themselves just… because. Still, YES! I want the job! – When I got into the car (about 11.50) msg from Silas to “hang out”. – The return trip: Down to the 78 for the 89 to clock time/distance. Gas was 3,929$ so I stopped. 14$ FILLED the tank! Also got a cheese pastry and “Alburg” key-tag… just because. This route: 53,7mi. and just about as long in time. I pulled into the drive at 12.52 (with time accounted for gas, same as trip up but longer in mileage). – I changed, finished the box of breakfast cereal and Silas arrived. – As we were prepping to leave I noticed that Pumpkin has chewed her tail RAW! SHIT! I’m 800 behind in rent, no money and she NEEDS help! This is killing me! KILLING ME! – Silas and I took my car ( me… eternally stupid) and went to exchange the fountain pen at Black Horse (with no trouble at all).
Next? To Middlebury… just for a destination. I didn’t realise it was so far away… the trip took 1/4 tank of gas!!! But… it IS a most New England town, cute, neat, very small and scenic. Silas was hungry. We settled on TwoBros Taverne where he ate, I had a coffee (which he covered… and I recalled, to myself, my drastic over-pay on our previous meal) and we strolled and browsed. A boot-maker, a tatoo/piercing shoppe (where I met the tatooing sister of a Justine Kessler from Cali! In VT!). A VT shoppe where, for 23$ they sell 7x7cm PRINTS of water-colours! I NEED to get MORE work done and get it OUT there! But Middlebury closes at 17.00 and so… Silas and I were soon back on the 7, back to Shlbrn. – *He told me that Adecco had submitted his CV to Kofile but he never heard from them. – We stopped at DunkinDonuts for coffee. I got (and paid my own) coffee/donut and we sat a while longer. – Back at the house by 20.15, Steve went to get Tara (lovely… here we go!) and asked about my interview, talked about Pumpkin’s tail. Silas left. – I tried calling Fran… NO BLOODY SIGNAL (20.45)! SHIT! – 20$ end of cash, ,75 tank gas from the FULL I HAD! I’m annoyed. pissed, worried. AND it was 18• in here! The next week is forecast to be cold and rain from Fri through next week! -At about 21.00 I got Fran. She bought 2 batteries for phone at only 6$! They’ll arrive at her place on Monday. Great! I’ll have batteries… but no service. – S&T returned at 21.27, quietly. By about 23.00 rang off with Fran. – The TOUGH times, they are just about here… I put lights out… what else was there to do?

Thu.19Apr 7.06: 15• in here. 0• out there. Frost, on car and lawn. And first thought:
57$ Post Office Box
46$ Storage
45$ Phone
148$ Total
No mailing addresse. Extra 10$ late charge on Storage (158$ Total). No phone. Gas for the car? Communication for work? Coffee? Cigs? Interview travel? WTF? – And T. is here today. – Yom haShoah today. – Finally got out of the house round noon and went into BTV to post a quick “thank you” to Alburg and retrieve another reminder that my box rent is due. Then down to ShlbrnLib for some music and to check e-mails. A stop to get cigs. I need coffee for tomorrow; I’ll be completely out! And I need to get some kind of food! – When I got back home, I got to the apple tree pruning. It served as an “accomplishment” and a “diversion”. S&T cooked on the open fire in the yard. When they started, I headed to the front yard, broke-up the mud and grass that got plowed onto the lawn… when we had the little snow o’er what was supposed to be Winter. That brought the day into the evening and nught. The day was gone. – In, I took a quick shower and rang Fran. I luv talking with her but we tend to stay on the phone until too late… 23.24 I finally got to bed. – Another day… done, at last. As the day begins, I look forward to it ending.

Fri.20Apr 20.53: I was up at about 7.00 this morning (sleeping in? not wanting to wake). T was here so I didn’t get to the little wash I had; didn’t want to disturb her. But then, at about 9.00, a guy from Comcast cane; S is getting cable. OK. I feel even more like shit… a month behind in rent and he’s increasing his expenses! I need money! Well, I decided to simply do what I needed and put my small wash in whilst the cable got installed. – Had really great talk with T though. Friendly, as usual. I always feel uncomfortable talking with some guy’s girlfriend because it just “seems” wring. And there’s the common misunderstanding that I’m some kind of ”competition”… for HIM! Very funny, in a way, I suppose. But… – Silas began texting. I invited him to come here, but I needed to finish pruning the apple tree. T needed cigs, I needed coffee… when Silas arrived, we git into my car and were off: Cigs at Simon’s for Tara, Hannaford’s for coffee for me, they did small shopping too. It was almost like the “country folk into town”. I got cigs at 7Deli and Tara gave me 3$ toward them (because I’d given her 2 and because she wanted to contribute toward gas… how nice of her… I’ve driven Silas about and never been offered other than a coffee). – Oh, during our car-chat, Tara asked why I don’t cook! Apparently she and Steve are concerbed. This morning she also said that they feel guilty when I wash their dishes. Especially when they’dbeen drinking all night. Consideration! It’s so appreciated… honestly. – Back at the home-stead, I built a fire out back, it was a chilly day. And it’s “fertilising season”! The air is rich with the scent of cow-shit wafting about, something alien and unappealing to dear Silas. As I was building the fire, Silas commented: “Lool at you! Getting all butch’n’shit!” (So TOO funny!) – I popped inside to ring Adecco (weekly call-in). No word from Kofile and NO ASSIGNMENT for next week! – I went to the garage, got the ladder, went to work on the apple tree. Silas studied at fire-side. Tara busied in the house and then came out to garden. A day in VT. – After a while, I suggested a stroll down to the lake to give Silas something to do. The lake’s up so there isn’t much walking shore-line. No snow or rain, yet the water-line’s up. Oh well. – When we got back, Silas was hungry. I’ve 6$ to my name and nothing to offer so he went home. (He had asked if I wanted to go to Stowe but didn’t suggest taking his car so I declined.) – I popped into the house for some breakfast cereal and then back out to finish working on the tree. – At about 17.45 Steve came home, exhausted. Tara continued in the garden. I finished the work on the apple tree, went to put the ladder back into the garage… there’s a bat in the garage. Poor thing. I wonder how it got in… I wonder how it’ll get out! – Chatted with Tara: Pumpkin in REALLY in bad condition! She’s chewed her tail raw and is now doing the same on her leg! The vet told Steve it’s fleas and he’s convinced. Tara and I agree: it’s worse than that. (She tells: Steve got ringwirm… on his back… and than Pumpkin sleeps in his bed. OK?) – It got SO CHILLY and by 19.40 we came in. I showered… I stunk of the fire out back. I still don’t like that smell on my clothes/body. – After shower, ate a tin of peaches (from Fran). Total daily intake: ToatieO’s and peaches. – All said? It was a rather “productive” day, and rather enjoyable. I’m getting a bit funked because of money and job, but there’s a yard and some work to be done around so… – By about 21.00, into bed. No “cocktails” this week-end and no money. – … At 21.30 tge 2 of them vegan pfutzing with the cable/TV. Hmpf. And at 21.40, a food delivery! – By 22.00, calm… I putbiut the light.

Sat.21Apr 11.41: I woke at 6.30 and, although there’s much I should be attending to, like figuring how to get money to pay the coming bills and ringing Doug, I can’t seem to get motivated. Maybe it’s the COLD in here, 18•. Indeed, it’s the absence of cash. But… It’s been a calm morning. Very grey. Rather a best day to just stay in bed. But my constitution disallows. I’d paint, but my fingers are too cold… almost painful. Life in a Northern town. – 12.40 Text fm Motek! (3-parts… only one came through). Something about somebody named Josy…. Yossi?!? Cancer. I’ll have to clarify… tomorrow. (It’s Shabbat after all.) – 20.52 One sketch, too darkly penciled, ready for colour. GoldBrook/Emily’s Bridge. Another, Lake Tear of the Cloud, lightly penciled. That will be quite the work. Other-wise? “Nick” in a Timberland all day and… nothing. This place is killing me… so too, the mild depression of no work, no income, storage, PO Box rent, phone… – The 3 messages from Motek came through. Yossi. CA-Lung. 1,33 lung function. A reminder of my own age. (As if I need that.) – No shower all day. Never got out of my “jammies”. Didn’t bother to brush my teeth. Wow. BFD, eh? – Surfed the I-Net. Checked for e-mail from USPS… Nope. – And “meals”? Finished the breakfast cereal. – Put the heater on… got the room up to 20• (which got me into painting… unfortunately, too late.) – And so, at 21.00, I am calling this Saturday “done”. The house is quiet… for now. I would, very much, enjoy a small drink right now. Not happening. But I’ve managed to smoke relatively few today. – Raining out there in the night. Warm and dry in here. – Fukkit. Day’s over. Period. Tomorrow? I’m 1000$ in rent arrears. SO jolly. Why can’t I just shut-down… Totally and Completely.

Sun.22Apr 6.22: Alarm set for 5.51. I wake, of my own, 5.51. Silly me, I’d entertained the notion of cooking pasta before anyone woke. I won’t. Why? Too much noise, I’m sure, directly under their room. Alas… a foodless day to come, lest I go to Jericho, which isn’t on my agenda. FltchLib this afternoon though: transfer Journal, send e-mail via iPod, search music… and perhaps walk… in the rain. – For now? Water-colour! Work! – PS Phone is now officially a “land-line”… battery holds no charge. Another expense “As The World Crumbles”. – 11.32 and I’ve managed to begin 2 more paintings: Emely’s Bridge and Lake Tear of the Cloud. Now? Brwak, shower, dress, FltchrLib… j’pense éniwé. – 21.34 And another multi-hour call to Fran ending with a promise to visit (and only just over half a tank of gas). – Silus texted: do I want to go to Stowe tomorrow. When I asked if he’d drive… he has to take the car in to be checked. Hmmm… But Fran invited him to visit… she also said she’d like to go to NYC if I go to get my things from storage. She just wants to travel… I don’t blame her. – And so, I git to the library, sent e-mails, got a shitty iTune, transferred images… wasted almost 3 hours of my day. – Not much done on the painting. -And tonight, niw, the washer is running. – Oh… I have a TV… in the closet. I have to get a digital converter box. Steve… got cable, moved the flat screen from living-room to his bed-room. – Made excuse of sinus infection to Doug… No further comment. Rec’d reply “You do not sound too good.” – “Meals”: oatmeal in chocolate, 4 baked potatoes with cheese, apple juice. – Bought a pack of cigs… I now have about 1$ cash to my entire name and bills due in about 8 days. – On this, I close the day… another day if “Nick in Timberland” and… nothing. Perhaps tomorrow (oh fer Krise sake just SHOOT ME!) – Goodnight.

Mon.23Apr 5.07: At about 5.00, as I lay in bed, I thougt of Mama and how far away from Florida I am and then… the chest-compressing pain… of missing her! I’d set the alarm for 4.58 but woke at 4.4-something. I was awake when the phone turned on at 4.45. Went to pee and back to bed. A thought of her crossed my mind and then the thought of the distance between VT and FL. For a split second, the distance came to mind and how I can’t just pop into the car to go visit her. As if she were still there… and I missed her so terribly. The the “reality” came and the “missing pain” subsided. It never gets “better”… just “different”. – 17• when I woke. 18,5• now, with the light on. Dark out-side… and wet with rain. Even with the windows closed, I can hear the rush of a choppy lake. It’s not like the ocean if Rockaway… The lake is a steady, deep, “shshshsh”, no “pounding surf” here. And this morning, I’m missingthe ocean… 5 months into being in VT. Is this what kind of day it’s going to be? – I’m going to paint for a while. FoodShelf this morning. Probably only bread, but something to sustain. – Never made it to the FoodShelf… Never made it to Fran’s. But I did get beans and pasta cooked. And tried that “Dump Cake” of Jsnice’s suggestion which turned out to taste like (as Silas observed) “cherry oatmeal”. – I’d rung-up Fran to have a brief conversation and to cancel our day together… but that lasted a touch too, TOO long (I have to learn to deal with some of my own troubles and then, only then, deal with others’). By the time I cut the conexion, it was just too late to try for anything at FoodShelf (which means, shit for the week ahead). Meanwhile, Silas… he took his vehicle into the garage for a check-up and had nothing to do so… (so cute) he walked over to the house. By the time he arrived, I’d put beans on to cook and had a small wash running. He brought a Reuben and sat to eat whilst I “did the domestic”. His comment: ‘I don’t know about you; the other day I see you bein’ all ‘Butch’ abd today you’re all ‘Domestic’…’ (I found that… cute…). He also commented on my bring so thin. (That’s it… the bulky season is gone and no VT will see the skinny me… I’m not happy about that.) Oddly, he had a screwdriver (ingredients avail in the house..) and a v-Coke. OK! Another drinker. And we had, I believe, fun chats and such. We took the Girls out for a stroll as well. -At about 17.30, I drove us up to DunkinDonuts. Poor guy… I’ve nothing in the house to offer him. When next I get to market, I’ll have to get de-caf coffee for him at least. – After he had coffee (I had nothing) we drove over to the Girlington Garage to get his car snd stood in the parking lot for quite a while, talking until the sun began to disappear into the Adirondacks. The view from up there is still breath-taking. – Silas went on his way… I returned to the house. – When I pulled into the drive I was a bit surprised: Steve was sitting in the car eating his dinner. I wonder why. He said he didn’t want to eat in front of the Girls and have to put up with them begging. Then he told me that he’d been hit with a 156$ fine for over-due inspection! It reminded me that I need money… I owe him SO much! This is killing me! FUK! – 22.12 and into bed. COLD inside me but oddly, not bad in the house.

*** Tue.24Apr 8.27: SIX MONTHS!!! IN VT!!! ***
I over-slept until about 6.30! Got up and got right into painting! And now I’m finding myself spending more time in the loo because of a constant sensation of needing to move ye olde bowels. Something from yesterday does not agree with me. – 23.55 Just off a 3,5hr with Fran. – The day? Fascinating: Silas came over for a drive to Stowe and Emily’s Bridge. As we sat in the house… HAIL! Sudden, un-expected… HAIL! Very briefly. – Silas drove… Colchester, off exit 17, Imago… a sex-toy store, a fascinating place that looks more like an old, small motel. The stock? Impressively varied but certainly not NYC nor LA. But… Rush! Right there! 12$! I’m impressed. – Then on the road trip to a little bakery in Richmond and a “Goth”-type girl at the counter with a very soft voice and demeanour (but precious little spark between the ears, as Silus tells). A delightful place. A bit over-priced. We joked: I’ve found the “bargain”
side of VT whilst he’s found the “quaint” and rather “VT trendy”. – Back on the toad to Stowe. A cute little towne. He used “Garmin” fir directions, I used the atlas. We got turned round anyway on the Gold Brook Rd until, on the 2nd try, I suggested a hard left turn… “Garmin” put us on a plain white background. It had NO idea where we were! Then, suddenly, THERE it was… the BRIDGE! Run-down, smaller than in the photos, and nothing like either of us expected. He drove over it and parked. I got out to investigate. I have to say, I felt no Emily, even by touch. Perhaps the “haunting” truly is just fabricated foke- lore. None-the-less, it was fun to be there and I got to stand on and touch a covered bridge! – We headed back. A stop at Best Buy, followed by a stop at Healthy Living where there was a little muskrat nibbling a new shoot at the side of a wter-filled storm drain. It was a delight to see Silas so intrigued by it. We went into the store… he was looking for jerk seasoning because I’d mentioned it! Of course, they had the dry rub but never heard of Waljer’s or Grace. Oh well. – Off to Winooski and a small spice shop on Canal St where they sell, of all things, Knotweed! They SELL the shit! (The jar was empty… not in season, of course.) I asked what it was for: “a gentle laxative”. Uh-huh. Sure. OK. – And on to ShlbrnLib for a bit of e-mail checking. – Home to Steve and Matt (Matt kniws somebody who lives 2 houses from Emily’s Br, and he went into how haunted it us and such… he was also rather drunk already). – Silus was off to have burritos with Hlry. – Matt admired my art, told of FketcherAllen possibke exhibit. He will check into the particulars. – I came to my room to eat… Me to room to eat… I finished the dump thing/cake (dinner). I need bread! I need food! – Rang Fran for a few hours… The day was done and the anniversaey of my arrival here… SIX MONTHS AGO!

Wed.25Apr SCIATICA!!!!!: I woke at 6.30and got to painting this morning. – Received a rather curt call fm Doug rt registration (he left s message). I’d planned to call him today anyway. – A bit later, Silas came by. I drove us to FoodShelf where I got one bag of rolls. – Out to visit Fran (14.00 ar 15.00)! She handed me an
enveloppe containing TWO phone batteries (funny, me no phone next week, can’t afford it, but I can
now charge it for a longer while… the World is fukked). Fran fixed quesedillas for dinner and they were quite delicious! She and Silas got along very well but, in spite of my intentions to leave at a reasonable hour, we left Fran at 23.00!!!!! – I got in the house 23.58 and went right into bed.

Thu.26Apr 7.14: A day with Silas. No cigs. No money. WTF is this about? But some-how… Steam!!! (temp in here 17•) – An e-mail from PJ and a phone number in the 505 area code! He’s out of that house at last! – Saw Doug, got new registration: He implied new scratches on car are my fault, took saw and pruners, discovered spare tyre, suggested I rotate the tyres. I was in PAIN and his insinuations just hit me the wrong way so, when he asked why I hadn’t communicated with Janice? BANG! I told him ALL about Janice… I don’t care. (Poor Silas sat in the car hearing it all.) Oh well. All’s said. Fukkit! – When I got back this evening, I rang PJ: More drama, more bull-shit. He’s pissing away his new income and planning on a move to NM and returning to school down there. I asked if he could help me cover the PO Box expense. He said he could. We agreed to meet tomorrow… It’s been a long while… – The sciatica’s kicking up tonight. Pain is coming soon…

Fri.27Apr 21.12: It was Friday. It is over. It was unproductive. It was PAINFUL! It was HELL! It was an inability to paint. It was paralysed in the chair, on the bed, on the floor. It was SCIATICA! I had NO pain meds… until… Silas came. I had no cigarettes… until… Silas came. He’d sent a text asking how I was. I was in misery. I said so. HE came to check on me! HE offered to get Advil and cigarettes! SILAS! I’m humbled… Truly. – Spoke with PJ a bit. He’s in the motel at 40$/night, enjoying (some-what) his new freedom, as he should. He’s planning a move to NM. Hmmm… -Spoke with Fran… for the usual HOURS. She’d had a down sort of day. – I’ve reason to firmly believe that Steve and Tara have put me on a shit-list: When they arrived this evening, no proper greeting, disregard. Now, the music is blaring and the talk is at equal volume. A note: the VERY FIRST thing Tara did on arrival; pulled out a bottle of vodka. The action speaks tomes. And the blatant disregard says… I sm P.N.G. I sense a certain animosity now and a follow-up of something rather doomful. – I ate: MRE from the FoodShelf last month. Quite good. HOT food! – In my pain, I walked the Girls. – Adecco has a new ploy: Call them on Saturday, when thd office is closed. Leave a message. They’re msking things easiest for them. It was a wasted day. It is night. I’ve not bathed. Loud talk and music in the kitchen. 22• in this room. Took Advil 5&6 just moments ago. I hope for sleep and an early day tomorrow… a productive day tomorrow. – Tired… very tired. – 23.06 No sense trying for sleep; the music, the yelling, she’s got the dogs barking and howling. It’s a night in the Shelter… NYC… David Hall. I’ll catch up with this Journal. A few days of notes. – 23.55 and their little party is STILL in full swing and LOUD!
Tonight I feel it’s intentional. – 24.02 and the music goes off, the dogs and bitches head up the stairs. I can imagine what’s to follow. I suspect some sort of “negativity” to come in the days ahead. Yes, I’m way behind in rent. I acknowledge that. I also acknowledge not using much water, nor cooking gas, not GETTING much water (pressure), spending nights and days shivering in this house to where I bought a heater. For 800$/month. Over-priced and over-rated and the tree job on the apple was worth a few 100$. Y’know? Fukkit. Fuk them. – I want to be awake ( snd rested) in 5 hours. And tonight I’m quite hungry and there’s nothing until Monday’s FoodShelf and Tuesday’s groceries there. – May Silas be blessed for his kindness… I’m a bit stiff, but not in pain. – I never showered nor brushed my teeth today! Fukkdat too. – Done.

Sat.28Apr (On Sun): Another rather strange sort of day. It began with waking at 7.00 instead of 5.00, ehich rather pissed me off, particularly considering the drink-fest in the kitchen last night. But I got right to work on painting. Those remain very much not near completion and that annoys me. But it was quite quiet for the most part, so… – When S&T woke, it was rather the norm: Quiet steps and not much talk. Another “Morning after”. I got myself together as usual… ready to hit the ShlbrnLib and an errand or 2, an appointment with PJ and the hope that he wouldn’t flake on his promise to help me with the PO box rent. – The sciatica was still “with me” today, but I could move about so that was better. – By about 11.00, I was up and on m’way into the day when, suddenly I hear what sounded like a squeaky wheel on a small cart… It was Pumpkin! Yelping! I went down-stairs to find Steve on the floor beside her… in tears. These “Ladies” are his heart and soul. It hurt me to see him so hurt. And there was no apparent reason for Pumpkin’s yelp! I felt so useless, like when a patient was suffering and there was nothing I could do to stop their pain. A horrible feeling that I’d almost forgotten… having been out of HealthCare for the while. Still, Pumpkin appeared to have recovered from qhat-ever happened. A mystery… – I got me together and went out baxk to get a walking stick… something to help pry me out of the car today. That would be necessary, no doubt. Steve was sitting on the back deck, quite taken by Pumpkin’s suffering. He’s got such a magnificent heart, especially for these 2 beautiful creatures. How wonderful it is to know that there is at least one real Human who has such respect, concern and kindness in his heart! We talked a bit about it… we talked about sciatica. – Tara came out the back door, rather abruptly, let Honey out, went back in and SLAMMED the door shut behind her. Just as suddenly, she re-appeared, saying nothing, sat in the sun with her coffee and… I went to get my walking stick. Hey, none of my business. – I was off… stiffly from the sciatica, in spite of the 4 Advil I’d already taken. – ShlbrnLib to transfer phone files to Flash, images to iPod and try (and fail) to apply for the PSE spot at ShlbrnPO (I can’t seem to get my log-in! The PO system is still convoluted and entirely TOO complex in its way!). By 13.30 I was fed up and out. – The day had begun. – Drove in search of the ShlbrnPO to pist the new VHAP app. Found “The Shed” (bar) and then the PO. Rather unexpectedly large. Hmmm… Dropped the appl. for Monday’s pick-up and headed off to Winski and PJ. Just under 1/4 tank of gas, no money and im a bit of pain. But it was a beautiful day. – The Motel 6 is quite lovely! 3 storeys, tidy, clean, new. I rang PJ: “I’m on the phone with Amtrak and will be down ASAP.” No invite to come up? OK… I waited in the car. He appeared moments later, set to go travelling… lunch. When I mentioned ‘not too far’ because of gas, he immediately offered to put gas in the car… when we got to the station, he handed me his card and let me decide how much. 20$. His funds are limited and, well, I wouldn’t take advantage. It did bring me up over the half-tank. RELIEF! for me! – Lunch was at the Windjammer, WillstnRd, So.Brlngton. Not bad… A bowl of beefbarley soup, salad bar (I had a garden and a fruit salad, coffee; he had soup, garden salad, 3 glasses of wine. I calc’ed 13$ each for food, his 7$ each wine but I believe he paid 62$! I hope I’m wrong. He said the price wasn’t bad… What?) – After food, a drive… We talked. He’s rather “in crisis” between the events with the “wife and in-laws” and the decision to move to NM. Our drive went down to Charlotte, where I’d taken Silas. A beautiful drive, great for talking and such. – I’ve somehow become the “VT Voice of Reason” again. How odd that Janice, Debbie, Silas and PJ feel that I’m the best refernce-point in their lives. Me… of all people! But, as babybrotherjoe said long ago, I appear to have the World’s troubles solved, neatly (meanwhile, my own affairs are a disastre… people should only know). Now, PJ is already enrolled in university in NM, is planning to leave VT THIS WEDNESDAY and still has doubts. Well then… OK. There’s not much I can say, considering my own “jump” to VT… but I truly believe his thoughts are to remove from here with as much space possible because of the psychotic Peruvians. He fears them now. I don’t blame a serious concern, but he’s got “fear”. – Well? Well… He DID come through with the PO Box rent!!! What a MAJOR relief to me! And at about 19.00 we parted, with plans to get together tomorrow. – The melodramaticsoapopera at “The Homestead” had continued in my absence: I pull into the drive, Tara is putting Honey into Steve’s car, she’s obviously angry and snaps a curt “Hello” at me. Front door open, bags packed, I offer help, she pleasantly declines. It ended with me playing with Sereena and Pumpkin and Tara’s comment: “Better you than me; good luck with that. Have a good night…” Out the door, into the car, followed by Steve and away they went. VT Drama. OH…. well, alrightie then. – I came up-stairs, settled in, rang Fran and… Dammit again… talked til past mid-night! – Steve came back and settled in for the night, wordlessly. – Fran told me that she’d planned to pay my PO Box rent on Monday! (Appreciated but it bothers me!) Anyway, I offered to take her on “Sparky errands” on Monday (the car will be a total mess, I’m sure of that, but she needs to get little Sparky registred or the complex will remove him… I CAN’T and WON’T let that happen!) and so… that’s that. -A note: Schmulik rang x3 today and sent a text! Very odd… very odd indeed.

Sun.29Apr 8.01: Yes, 8 o’clock! My fault. Another mid-night call to Fran. The last too. This stops now. – And my insides are shaking because of back rent owed. – But so far the sciatica seems to be improved. – 9.18 Caught-up yesterday’s events… whilst standing… the sciatica is NOT gone today and the COLD in here (17•) is NOT helping! – OK! What did we accomplish on this day? Hmmm… Got a bit of painting done in the morning, Emily’sBr and Tear of the Cloud. – At about 13.15, was in the parking lot of the Motel to fetch PJ. (I’d stated that I had to be home by 17.00, originally to avoid driving about the state using gas and wear on the car but was rather happy I’d done so as we parted…) Today, he wanted fish to eat… healthy fish. We were off into BTV and “Shanty On The Shore”. Not half bad, although the 13$ fish and chips was probably worth 3$ and his 11$ broiled salmon and snap peas was probably more in line with 5$. But the lake view was SUPERBE and the fact that we sat until almost 16.00 was delightful (it was chilly today, but brilliantly sunny). – The “saga” however… He is leaving to NM, sight-unseen, on Wed. 9.00; a reserved something-to-call-I-live-here (un-seen); no job prospects, says “They’re giving away apartments on Albq! I can find one for 300$/month in the first week.” (un-seen); is planning on the college helping him with his re-location logistics… (un-seen). When I suggested staying in BTV a week or 2 (as I did in NYC before coming here) and researching employment and housing and such… the very notion was flatly rejected. Well? I tried. He asked for opinion/advice, he got it, rejected it, will be out of VT on Wed., will be in NM on Sat. OK. Nothing more I can do… BUT… says he… “Expect your phone to ring HOT by Thursday…” because he’ll be calling for MORE help/moral support. Me? I don’t think so. I’m just a bit on the disappointed side right about now and out of advice/moral support. I dropped him at the motel round 16.45 and headed back to the home-stead. – Steve tells of driving the Interstate in NM and seeing a sign: Albq next 17 exits! And Mr.PJ freaks in BTV on Wintry week-days because of chaos and mayhem. – Silas came by wirh a coffee for me. He’s applied to DunkinDonuts for work. We sat into the dark, listening to his music, chatting about the play “Rent”, AIDS, the 80′s. (I do enjoy his company somehow.) At 20.45, he left. – At 21.00, I rang Fran… And ANOTHER MID-NIGHT! And she’s insisting that I accept her help paying the phone! Well, OK and thank yoy… Oh, Mr. President Obama, you promised “change” and I got it… you bloodyfukking prick! No damn JOB, my credit’s destroyed, my reputation’s destroyed, I’m getting food from the food shelf, rent’s sickeningly behind… OH BUT THE BLOODYFUKKING UNITED STATES GOT ALL OF MY TAXES LAST YEAR… FUKYOU! – Midnight, I cut the call and went to bed.

Mon.30Apr 6.10: Awake… and at 7.03 smokin’ butts from the “car jar”.
“Money’s Too Tight To Mention”
and I have errands beginning at 9.00. -(On Tue.) The errands didn’t begin at 9, and a few things never got accomplished. However, all was not lost. – At about 10.00 is when I finally got out the door. But just before leaving, a thought: The cost of a PO Box in Shlbrn? I rang to inquire and… HALF the price of BTV! HALF! i could pay 6 months and get change! A bit of cash in pocket! I was off and running! Boxes were available and I was saving money! Got to the PO and… had nothing with my physical addresse on it! Well fuk, EVERYTHING’s been sent to the previous PO Box! I needed a “Rental Agreement”. No prob… the library was just round the block… and so, the “Agreement” was produced. Whilst at the lib, I applied for the open position at the very same PO (only to learn later… it had already been filled! Thank you USPS for screwing me round with your convoluted log-in o’er the week-end, dumfux!). Anyway… back tonthe PO round noon and… NEW ADDRESSE! Officially Shlbrn! (And money in pocket!) I have to add that I’m not terribly pissed about missing the job oppty: 9 rural routes! Flash-back PineBush, sorting and casing! Post-cons, &c. – Buzz up into BTV, a lettre from NANC! Always a thrill for me. LUV Huh!!! The only thing in the box. To the counter and… I got my key deposit back! 3$ MORE cash! And, no more having to battle traffic, people, battle and pay for parking, no congestion… It was, only a bit, bitter-sweet: 6 months ago the BTV PO made my arrival here rather official and settled… it was my new beginning and now I was leaving it (and for an office… south… ick!). But the other facts FAR out-weighed the sentimentalities so… I am now IN ShlbrnVT! – Next on the agenda had been Fran. I’d agreed to take Sparky for his shots and tags, told her to let me know when… She’d made the appointment for 10.30 and never rsng to let me know! By the time I rang her to learn this, it was already about 13.30! Honestly! Yes, I was a bit miffed. But I was a bit relieved. I chatted with her as I headed… home. Yes, driving whilst on the phone. Pffftt! Our chat closed as I had a boxed mac’n’cheese for my daily “meal”. And the day was GONE! It was already almost 16.00! And I was exhausted. – I thought I’d nap but… As I tried to nap, a message from Silas… he wanted to come over. The poor guy’s bored and life at his house is a bit of Hell. So he came over, and brought coffee! It was a quick visit today because he was en route to Plattsburgh to dinner with a “girl-friend”. That was good because I git to do a little bit of yard work. – Steve came home and got right into mowing the lawn… something I’d wanted to do but wasn’t sure the mower actually worked. So as Steve mowed, I weeded the little area out back of the garage. I enjoy the work and the fact that I’m contributing, in some way. – By 20.30 we were both in. I showered, rang Fran. – The phone conversation stopped when I let the battery die… I’m letting it do that this time hoping it won’t develop that “memory” thing and go bad too quickly. – And the day came to a close, again, at 23.00. These late nights MUST STOP! – April is done. Tomorrow is May! I’ve managed to hold on to VT through the Winter! (Will I make it through Summer? Well… this now is my “Home”, I suppose I shall.)