Tue.1May 6.22: It’s MAY ALREADY! And as others celebrate the coming of the warm weather, I am behind in my rent, behind in my storage payments, looking toward going to the local FoodShelf and … not much in the way of celebrating. May… in VT. I AM quite happy… here. But the approaching warm season still puts me in an unpleasant mood. – Meanwhile, I am awake and it’s raining. – A wash. A room/desk tidy. 8.21 alfukkinready. Hmpf! And no DNS for phone! -Silas rang from the Plattsburgh ferry this morning. How strange to even say or jot that. He, from California and no previous connections to the area, is spending time in a place where I actually have history and yet, haven’t been. And yes, even though I know I won’t find anybody there (les Gregoires), I’d like to go, just because. – A few hours later, he came to the house… to “hang”, rather early in the day but not quite early enough. I had a few things to do and, as I am a bit foolish, I waited for him. – There was a pile of dirty dishes in the kitchen sink… none of them mine of course. So when Silas got here, I got to them as he watched and kept me company. – Dishes done, we headed into BTV… FoodShelf… I drove. I got quite a bit including a 6-pack of Cabot Greek yoghurt! They were giving unlimited quantities! I was thrilled! – Silas registred. I feel he should avail himself since he’s working (albeit as infrequently as I) here and hasn’t come to VT to free-load (as these so-called “refugees” and other immigrants are of late). Having access to some extra food will be of help to him, I’m sure. Another reason: to learn the reality of life here… not just the jolly New England saga but to see the rougher edges. He took a few items, but certainly stuck to moderation. Respectful of the needs of others. I thought he would. – Back home, I stored my provisions in my room… dairy under the bed. It’s still cold enough to keep dairy in the room for a while (welcome to the North Country). Went down-stairs to finish in the kitchen and, to Silas’ amazement, finished a container of yoghurt. It is quite delicious. – We were off and into BTV… Silas drove… I needed to find the current “Art Walk”, have neither time nor patience to trot about looking and Frog Hollow seems to be THE place to get it. – We stopped by Silas’ so he could drop his groceries there and his Mum gave him hell for taking food from the poor who need it. I told him of the “refugees” who take MUCH more than they need and don’t work for their keep here and that he shouldn’t feel at all guilty. I think it mafe him feel a bit better. He told me that he’s living off a settlement from a law suit against a previous employer. I’d wondered where he gets the funds to spend the way he does. How interesting: I came here with limited funds saved over time of working abd living in the Shelter; PJ heads out in funds from an old 401k, he comes with cash from a law suit… I worked to move. My so-called “Life”. – The cakendar was rught there at Frig Hollow, inside the door but We browsed the art. Silas commented that my work is so much better than much of what is exhibited. I’m encouraged to continue. Then we stopped at a place called ” Dobrà Tea” for… tea… at 4,50$ a pop! It was quite nice, we sat for almost 3 hours, talking. As we sat, Adecco rang me with an assignment… the same one they’d offered Silas yesterday: 4 hours, one day. I accepted. Moving boxes from truck to store… with my bad back. But it’s income. I need that! – By 17.30 I was back at the house. Steve thanked me for doing the dishes. I appreciate the gratitude, but… well… I did them. – Rang Fran and was on the call til 23.00 during which time I ate 5 of the 6 lemon danish from FoodShelf. Today’s intake: yoghurt and danish. – 23.30, to bed… much later than I should.

Wed.2May 6.00: A bit on the late side and worried about gas in the car. Stomach gurggling liquid. Last cig. Taking PJ to train. – 6.16 Steve in shower. I’m about to be late. Oh well. I don’t much really care. As long as I get PJ to the train by 8.00. – 9.40 How strange… PJ’s leaving has me in shreds and tears. Empty. My “connection” to VT… gone. 6 months… I feel… strange and alone. – (On Thu.) The 6 lemon danish from the FoodShelf are now gone. I polished-off the last one and actually went on to the chocolate-chip muffins! That got followed by an attempt to nap which was interrupted by text messages… from Silas. Surprisingly, texts from PJ were few. -I got to the motel at about 7.18, shot a text from the exit of the interstate and he was already standing in the parking lot when I pulled in! He hsnded me a framed picture saying it wouldn’t fit in his luggage and asked if I’d send it to him. (Of course I would! I KNOW what that’s like; to need things sent on… Unfortunately, I never had anybody who would do that kindness for me.) The picture: his Grand-mother! A very “period” woman, most elegantly dressed, as a young woman. (The family must have been quite well-to-do from the quality of the photo and her attire.) I put it into my “Angel” jacket, he put his little “air-line” luggage into the car and said “We’re very early… let’s get some gas into this car.” We were off. – THE most consoling comment he made, as we left was to say that he IS prepared for returning immediately if he doesn’t like it when he arrives. I’d been hoping he would. Just in case. – At the gas station, he handed me a 20 saying: “No change… it’s ALL for YOU!” (It gave 5,052 gals and he commented on how, the last time he’d gassed a car, the price was 1,35$/gal.) And… we were on our way… to Essex. – Moments later, we arrived. The “station” is rather unexpectedly small and un-impressive. A small office, poorly maintained, cinder-block, re-re-re-painted, not informative, not at all comfortable. And the fact that it was over-cast didn’t alter the general “blah”. But we went in. PJ immediately proceded to re-arrange his packing and handed me a bag of more items: “I’ll send you money to send these.” (At that point, I would have sent ALL his belongings because, again, I understand how it is. It kept reminding me of my solitary move to here and the miserable selfishness of ny own so-called/mis-named “family”… may they rot in eternal existence and never die.) – There were ICE and TSA agents, with 2 dogs. We both wondered why but didn’t ask. – As I spoke with PJ about things-general (he was unusually calm, pre-occupied this morning), an old Polish woman heard me mention my disgust with/for NYC and offered that she’d cone to VT from Astoria, 5 years ago. We discussed The City and how miserable it had become. One of her comments of disgust: “And that mayor!” We shared a mutual disgust with/for/about Bloomberg. Indeed, let NYC go to The Hell it’s become. WE, here, are ALIVE and Human. – Wgen the StationMaster announced the arrival of the train, we went out and into what must have been about 20-20 people waiting. – The train pulled in, diesel engine. The doors opened. A quick and quiet hug… PJ boarded… In a moment… he was out of sight… My Original Connection to this area, the towns and villages, this state… Gone. So brief. Now I could only wish, with all my heart and soul, that all goes well for him. He was now doing what, only 6 months ago, I’d done… closed his eyes, put his entire Being into the hands of Fate, and taken a major LEAP into….? I went to the car… and cried… for me and my loss… for him and his uncertainty. Fran had offered her place to “decompress”, as she’d called it. I just wanted to be “home”, alone. – At home, I ate, as I’ve said, set the alarm for an hour’s nap but, thankfully, the texts from Silas followed by a call. We talked as he drove over. He was in what he called “a black depression”. As we talked, I stood in the window to have a smoke and saw him approach. And as he arrived in frontbif the house he commented: “You look so French, standing in the window, holding your cigarette, looking out.” He studied a while whilst I played my iPod: music of reggae and G’s. He enjoys it. Quite interesting how, at 37years difference on age, and from Cali, he enjoys the music if my “better dats” (as they were). – Silus got hungry, I got antsy… he drove, we went to the PO so I could get a box for PJ’s items (and several for my filing, &c.) then, up to Archies where Silus had an 8$(!) frankfurter(!) and I had a 1,75$ bag of thrir home-made delicious crisps! We sat, talked about much’n’msny things fir a while. – Thinking (for some reason) it was Thursday, we headed over to the library (about 18.00 by now). Of course it was closed, bring only Wednesday, but neither of us realised: wrong day! We went up to DunkinDonuts for WiFi and coffee… until almost 20.00! I looked for iPod music, he… well…? – As we drove in, Matt was driving away. I got in, Steve was cooking… we talked about PJ and day’s events. Seems Steve has/had a friend similar to PJ. Imagine? – Another “too” late night of talking with Fran (21-24.00). – An emotionally jolting day, all told. And yes, I miss the strange “security” of knowing PJ is just in Winski… and I hope his endeavours are a Grand Success!

Thu.3May 6.32: The alarms sounded and I heard them… responded to them… turned them off. Another “late” morning. – 23.19 A morning of organising the desk. Period. Then out to Fran by about 12.30. We left to take Sparky to the vet for his 15.45 appointment and just before leaving, he managed to find something foul to roll in. So much for clean car. At the vet, he took 3 needles without so much as acknowledgement! What a little champ… especially for “65″ years of age (12 actually). After, he managed to get out of the car without the leash and gave me quite a run indeed. – A stop at the hardware for potting soil and back to the house. Dinner: Philly steak sandwiches (me, no cheese) and ShooFly pie! – Fran’s covered my phone through June. I owe my life-time to VT! – A call from Silas whilst at the vet: Adecco gave him 40 hrs. next week! – A CALL frim PJ: He was in Albany, waiting for them to “add” to the through train to “Chi-town, baby!” Even Fran said he sounded happy. – I left about 22.00, took my back roads. Drizzle tonight and quite warm. – Something’s wrong with my right nostril; feels like some scab or bug in it and it suddenly just runs ckear. Hmmm… – 23.31 Tired!

Fri.4May 6.59: Rain. What more is there to say? Tired. And planning on being productive today… Dammit! But MUST clean the car… again… for ME! -21.35 The day just slipped by, too rapidly! – Adecco rang… job, full time. Another crap-factory job on a production line. But 40hrs/week. Honestly, the shit jobs in a place so progressive. Well… VT. And it’s at the same place where Silas will be working. Small state, this VT. – Got the car cleaned again. It was LOADED with dog hair! Silas came by and kept me company as I attacked the tint on the rear window… Slowly, slowly… The tint on the rear window is REMOVED! – Phone rings… Call from Motek! I wonder why. He’s not the “phone call” type (he even mentioned that talking on the phone annoys him). I believe he expected me to say that I’m fed up and thinking of returning to NYC. But, NOT! Told me that, if I need to do an over-night in NYC, I’m welcome there. It was good to hear from him, but he really needs to soften the sharpness… still… after all these years. – When the car was done, I took Silas on a trial drive to new job, (just up the road from Doug! Oshit!) then over to BestBuy, where Silas shopped. A quick browse at the XmasTree shop and back. – The sun came through this evening and Silus drove to Charlotte ferry. Amazing… the thick fog over the lakeobliterared NY. Then… a delightful drive back. Silas departed, leaving me at the house. – Tara’s been here all day, and not particularly friendly this evening. Steve & she are planning, planting and seed-starting. How cute. – Received photos from PJ via MMS this evening. – Intake record: Yoghurt, 4 rolls, muffin (dinner). – The house is relatively quiet with some noise (I still believe noise id intentional) from down-stairs tonight. Wow… PJ’s gone

Sat.5May 6.11: I NEED TO FINISH THESE PAINTINGS! NOT go jaunting to Jericho. – I don’t know of it was a dream or a thought: talking with Tara, I said “I need to talk with Steve. I owe him.” She replied “I wish you would because he thinks you don’t care.” I woke thinking “He’ll be calling me ‘scumbag’ next.” (As Shelley did, back in Decembre.) – 6.46 I’m in pain again this morning. My lower back. Quite bad. Needed to brace against the vanity to lift off the toilet. This is into the 2nd week. I don’t understand it. And I have to go to work on Monday morning! And should go to help Fran today! I don’t know that I can help her… I can’t even help me! (And, honestly, I can’t afford to use the gas either. No income for 2 weeks.) – Several messages from PJ this morning already. – 7.08 Paint re-constituting, I’m in pain and tired from it. I need a lie-down. – (on Sun.) No shower. Didn’t brush my teeth. It was a day at the desk… the ENTIRE day. Painting. Emily’s Bridge and LakeTear of the Cloud. All day. Almost non-stop. It was a day of receiving photos of PJ’s journey to NM. A day of having the reality of his absence in VT sinking in. (As I journal, at 6.45 on Sunday morning, that reality is still quite vague. It just doesn’t feel possible. I still think of him at the laundry on N.Winooski. The “fact” is still removed, like pain, once removed by morphine.) A day of pain and stiffness of what I call “sciatica” but am willing to bet is something much different… something more involved with bone or a specific organ. – I painted… all day. Spoke with no one. Silas in Plattsburgh. PJ on the rails. I painted. In silence… no radio. The painting was worth the effort however. Almost complete… both works. – At about 18.30, I dressed, walked up to the 7Deli, broke the 10 (of the 16 to my name), got a pack of cigarettes, walked back, down along our own rails. Stopped at the lake for a few photos of my own, strolled, casually, back to the house. S&T were out back at the little fire-pit. I came back in, un-noticed, and painted. – ***At 20.42, EDT, the message arrived: “Made it!” PJ is now in ABQ, NM. How strange: I brought him to Essex Station on Wednesday morning, saw him depart at 9.00, and only now, he’s arrived at his destination. Days, not hours later. Days… I hope he finds Peace there. I miss him, but, we must do what we feel is necessary, and life here was not what he wanted. VT was rather tough on him and I hope he sheds the toxins in NM and will be able to return one day… un-like me, who dreads the very thought of returning to NY, even for a few hours. – When I got the word of his arrival, I stepped out for a smoke and rang Fran. Again, a call until 23.00. – A most MAGNIFICENT FULL MOON! Perfectly round, and BRILLIANTLY lit! Perfect! I would miss it during the night though because it rises too much to the south of my window. Alas. – At 23.00, lights out. End of day… end of week. And 1400$ in debt to Steve. (On VPR this evening: Doris Day. Half a million in debt at one point in her life. Reminded me of Bette Midler, renting home and furniture. – Monday I return to work… but certainly it will take me longer to recover.) – “Meals” consisted of rolls (no butter), the last 2 muffins, a container of tabouleh. I won’t have access to food fir the next 2 weeks at least. – A day of no shower, un-brushed teeth, no communication.

Sun.6May 6.41: Bright morning. 15 bloodyfukking degrees in here! FIFTEEN! FukkingBloodyFuk! A clear day and a bit of pain. Steeped coffee. A smoke. And almost stuck on the commode from pain. Life… indeed. – I’m completing the paintings (and wondering about food, gas, rent in the coming 2 weeks… No income until 17 or 18th.) – By 9.00 the paintings are DONE! TWO weeks! – I sent Tear of the Cloud to PJ. He replied with photo of ABQ. – I used the heater to get up to 18•. And now, at 9.11, I’m tired again. – 22.19 Spent 2 un-interrupted hours in the FlthrLib today and kept thinking I should ring PJ. Hmm… How odd, the empty feeling. Hooduh thunk it? – Rang Fran and the disappointment in her voice was palpable. But I don’t have gas and I can’t afford to travel now. I’m sorry Fran. – Showed S&T the new works. Steve likes the lake. They planted today: flowers and veggies. And T. told of the events 2 weeks ago. Ah… “romance”. Yup; glad I’m where I’m am, thank you. – Twittered a bit on 8539 tonight. Gave a bit of opinion to HadleyNorman. At last. Shit. And made a Buddy of Mooch… Nice guy. – Nick’s in Timberland tonight and there’s work tomorrow so… Signing-off.

Mon.7May 5.25: And… we’re awake. Getting to sleep last night was difficult. The little “heebie jeebies” (a “Moe-ism”) of worrying about getting enough sleep, waking on time, coffee, gas, cigs, cash… and the big concern: direct deposit… in TWO weeks! But, we’re awake and have 3 hours to go. – Potty’s an effort this morning. Jolly, that. Nothing should run “smoodly”. Still… here we are. – 20.42 The job isn’t too bad. Warehouse. Lifting, moving, opening, un-packing, re-packing boxes. No pressure. No hassle. 11-mike drive (or 10, depending) and just under 30 minutes. I just hope my gas holds out until next Thurs. And I’m working with Paul (fm JPMC), Silas, and 2 from Revision (tho they’re on the opposite side of the warehouse. – This evening, Tara is still here, Steve isn’t home yet. Lovely chatting with Tara. Silas came by with coffee (I’m saving it for tomorrow). – 2 rolls with peanut-butter, 2 apple sauce pouches, a tin of mixed veggies: Dinner. 1 cig left (and 9$ in the back-pack). – MMS from PJ… flat hunting. Anither photo of some cactus-type plant and the message “strange plants here…” They’re very common in warm, sandy areas, similar to the Rockaway beach. Has he never seen them before? He’s a fish… out if water… and in a desert. Oh my. – I’ve showered. Time for bed!

Tue.8May 5.51: Feeling under-nourished this morning. Too soon for that. But last night I realised there’s a cup-board of pasta and a bag of rice down-stairs. Now I’ll need to figure a way to cook something… No easy task considering I get back here after Steve and I doubt there’s enough time in the morning after he leaves. Ah… logistics. – Thought in the morning: Paying back rent, car, and assorted other bills. And no income for 2 weeks. – Tonight, after work, I’ll get my CV printed and ready for tomorow. Hopefully the Web Designer spot is still open. – Over-cast morning, this. But quite warm. – Oh yes, laundry: no soap, no time. Complications abound. Even here: it’s my Life. – Back roads in the rain today. And it rained all through… until just before sun-set. The day at work? Saved by the iPod. Heavy head-banger shit noise on a boombox that boomed and droned ALL bloody day! A number in German: “du haß mich!” over and over and over!!! Another number “Muthuhfukkin faggots…” over and over again and again. I’m working beside some git who, for fun, sport and hobby kills coyotes! But I managed to get through 48 cases… I’m keeping track so it can’t be claimed that I’m not working. – After work, Silas followed me to the ShlbrnLib where I did get my CV printed but applied for the Web job… on-line. Also received “official” notice that I didn’t get the N. Hero PO spot. Fukme. Though I do wonder why not. – This evening, a good chat with Steve… and no mention of rent… I want and need to talk about it, but again, why? I can’t pay him until I get paid. I need to connect with Doug as well. I expect nothing good from that. – Got a quick shower in. A tin of beans and a little time on Twitter before bed. Austerity… – Just under ,25 tank of gas to last until NEXT Thurs. and “food” about the same. Something’s going to bottom-out before pay-day… Something.

Wed.9May 6.18: Another Under-Nourishment Morning: feeling a touch weak. – PJ’s items are packed. Accomplishment? – 15.03 A call to Fran at lunch: Janice sent her an e-mail to inform her that I’ve paid Doug only 200$ and that he wants the car. I gave Fran the run-down on my job, job history, and ALL my debts. As I said to her: A one-way back to NYC and the Shelter is in the immediate future. THIS is NOT working AT ALL! AND… WHY in fux name does Janice Santiago, of St. Albans, feel it her right it appointed duty to report such things to Fran? Yes, it does appear that returning to the NYC Shelter is inevitable. I’m tired, fed up and quite through. – 21.32 Notes: Silas put 30$ in gas into the car after work then we went to Ponderosa for buffet FOOD! WOW! I’ve eaten fried chicken, rice and beans, fresh spinach, tomatoes, a roll, meatballs in gravy, mashed potaties, pasta salad, two helpings of frozen yoghurt and 2 Mt.Dew! We sat and talked until 20.45! – Just getting into bed. – And job ends Friday… FUK ME AGAIN! And Janice failed me… professionally and now personally. I can NOT go back to NYC! Not only is this my “Home” now, but SO many have helped me along the way. I need to STOP being defeatist! Besudes, soonest return date? 24 May * EXACTLY 7 months * from arrival!

Thu.10May 6.01: DREAM: Walking in an airport (reason un-clear) small woman in redish blouse, black skacjs and a full veil. LndaTrlli! I was delighted to see her and she recignised me as well. When I asked how she was, she became mournful “Not good, really.” I asked: “Your Mum?” She nodded. I understood it to mean Rhda had died, succombed to a bout with cancer. I tried to console Lnda with a hug… Woke from the dream – A bit of trouble falling asleep last night but once I did… Like a BOULDER! Full belly… for the first time in AGES! – But… every time a car comes or goes by, I expect to lose the Ford. I wouldn’t put it past anybody to just drive up abd take it. (Past experience… even from so-called “family”.) – 5 cigs left. An extremely difficult time ahead. – And I’ve injured a tooth… stump. Painful. –
23.11: (Catching up 7.35 on 17th at 7.36) – *** I left Hampton Direct today at 11.30: After 2,5 days of listening to head-banging “Sirius” with lyrics that included “Muthufukking faggots” and Eric (their employee) and Bob repeating the lyrics, and adding their anti-Gay comments, in addition to Eric’s daily up-dates on killing coyotes and piling the dead or “putting them into the ground, this morning included a brief talk on the intelligence of crows… At one point, Eric said to me: “You know what’s more intelligent than a crow? (he got right in front of me, looked directly into my face and yelled) MY 22!” It put me off. I was trying to be conversational. Then, as I was talking with Nathaniel about JPMC (where he would be working nights), Eric commented, directly to me, something about being able to talk and work at the same time, “multi-tasking” and then added: that I’m there 8 hrs but they’re lucky if they get 4 hours’ work out of me!!! I commented that I’ll check my pay-cheque and if his signature is on it I’ll give credibility to his statement. In silence, I finished my 8-box order and decided… THAT was MORE than I could stomach. I left at 11.30, rang Adecco. Hanna actually suggested that I go back in, let it ride, deal with it! I told her I wanted to addresse it with Hampton management. She replied “I really wish you wouldn’t.” I got no help. Just more apathy, as with JPMC! I left… – Came home washed my clothes. I felt compelled to wash the entire experience out of everything… even my clothing! – Hoovered, washed the dishes, made 3 jars coffee with napkins as filtres, showered. – Checked 802: Doug rang YESTERDAY! I was in the ware-house so I never knew. His usual “Call me.” message. I must. I shall. – When all the house-work was done, headed to the Shlbrnlib: 3 posts to Crgslist of my job search, a new wordpress with tech CV. Time to dig in deeper, get dead serious with “real job” searching and get away from Adecco! AWAY! -Silas came to the house at about 19.30: ALL at HD heard of my leaving! Nat got offered an IT job! Probably the Web job I applied for! FUK! And today was cut-off for ALL; Dale rang for some info and was told the assignment is done… a week EARLY! So FUK that too! – Will go see Fran tomorrow with my time “off”. – THE PHONE CHARGER HAS STOPPED CHARGING!!! DAMN IT DAMN IT ALL!!!!! I can’t afford the little things and the phone is NECESSARY now, more than ever!

Fri.11May 9.05: NOT my “best day”… I woke at about 7.00… LATER than I’d have liked but, no matter. The phone charger diesn’t work, the battery diwn to 1 bar on charge. Next? The travel clock went dead. I’d no idea what bleating time it is/was or other-wise AND NO BATTERIES! Why? Because I gave the AAA’s to Marge for her TV remotes! FukME then, OK. No smokes. No money. And no connections to just about everything! Line of biz: I thought/think the phone charger has a split in the wiring so I cut’n’spliced… twice. Nope. Had to RUN down-stairs for electric tape… but fukme, nope. Looked and searched and such through the house for another charger; many many but none for a phone (and none for mine). Typical my-life. Searched for ONE battery. Nope again. Then… the computer! I can charge the phone via USB! OK! BUT… NO POWER CORD for the PC! Finally found a power cird, got the CPU running… It’s been about an hour and the phone’s still charging… from almost no charge. – OK then. 3$ to my name, I need to get to the Dollar Store for batteries, HOPE ReCycle North has a charger for the phone (I remember seeing a box of chargers at 2,50$ ea. but I don’t recall where). The library to check e-mails and post CVs for jobs… then Fran, to help her with things and get more “dirt” on the J.San/D.Potter issue. – Meanwhile, my instinct tells me that Doug will be telling me to return the car now… when I TRULY NEED it!!! So… yes… SCREWED… from Hell to breakfast. Just screwed. -Out the door… Went to ReCycleNorth on searchbof a new phone charger. Things in my “Life” being what they are, shamelessly, I swiped a charger (and it worked in the store but at home? Doesn’t work! Karma.) – As I drove along the ShlbrnRd I rang Fran to say I’d be late. She offered batteries! YAY! – I headed directly to ShlbrnLib: Applied VT Arts, Montpelier, Web work. Then to the PO: Note from Nanc! That lifted my spirits. – Voice msg. from PJ: Piseed, applued for a flat, didn’t get it due to poor credit score. (Fuk! What’s credit got to do with housing? Dix!) – Got to Fran at about 14.00: all the work I’d gone there to help with was done! So drove her to Big Lots, Essex: she got me 4 frames, pruners, CHARGER! Then next door to Grand Buffet: I ATE!!! ATE!!! We left at 21.00 – Hung at Fran’s until 2.00 (Saturday). – Astonishing drive back… NO CARS until Shelburne!!! It was calming, beautiful, magnificent. (I was exhausted!)

Sat.12May22:.29: -Arrived home 2.30 and went directly to bed until 7.00. Quick up, shit, shower and out the door for a drive to Jericho on this clear, HOT day. – Got to Fran’s at about 8.30 and at about 9.00 we went to the FoodShelf at the Lutheran church. What a difference from the BTV! Better selections, larger allotments and they even offer pet food and personal care items! There weren’t too many who came but those who did went away with good portions. At Fran’s insistance, I registred and, at the end, I grabbed what I could including eggs, butter and quite a bit more. FOOD! – We stopped at the hardware store for vegetable and flower seedlings. Fran had offered to pay some gas but changed to “Let’s go right home” as we left the store… No gas. And I NEED that! I think she was annoyed that I wanted to get back home soon… HEY! I was exhausted and I need to focus on job-search-related tasks. (She also renegged on cigs. Hmmm…) – While out in Jericho, a text from Silas asking what I’d be doing. I left Jericho approx 13.00 and headed back to meet him at the house. He was hungry and decided to go to Zen Garden for “dinner”. I had lo mein, he had pot stickers and a strange soup. (33$ for both.) Then, back to the house and end of the day. We both need to focus and re-double on work-search the coming week!

Sun.13May 7.53: “Mothers’ Day” – I’m on the bowl already. Something eaten yesterday is in great disagreemrnt with me this morning! – I heard thd alarm this morning and opted for “shitno, why bother?” and slept until I HAD to get up. A bit over-cast and rain in the forecast. And hopefully Mothers’ Day will have the S&T off to visit theirs. – 11.01 Went back to bed for 45minutes and… It turned into 3 hours. OK. Why not? No cigs. Limited coffee. No gas in the car (but plenty in my gut… I’m back in the loo). No money. And no real agenda other than finish the painting for Tara. – A note: Whitish, almost plastic-looking. translucent “strings” of maybe some kind of vegetable matter are coming out of me. Quite strange. I can’t recall having eaten anything of the sort. –
Silas came over today, brought cigs, coffee and donut from Dunkin’, dimsum food (crab something… yes, I did eat… 1st so as not to insult him, 2nd because I need nourishment). We ate on back deck. He doesnt begin work til next Monday. Adecco is a grand mal fukkup… truly. – After eating, he drove in to BTV. We had nothing to do and nothing can be accomplished on a New England Sunday so we decided to “people watch” (I was hoping for tourists). We stopped for coffee at “Speeder and Earls” (I paid mine, leaving me with a dollar to my name) and sat at table on Church St. Silas picked-up conversation with a couple, originally from Utica, with a short stay in Calif. They schmoozed. I people-watched recalling the first days here, with PJ. How new then; how strangely familiar and “home turf” only 6 months later. Comforting and frightening at the same time. – On the way back home, tonight’s sun-set was breath-taking! We were fortunate to be at the overlook on Spear and Silas pulled in to get some photos… along with many others who were taking photos or simply sitting and admiring. The excitement of VT: sun-sets over NY. Funny: In NYC it was sun-sets over NJ. The World is only “just” amusing. But the Adirondacks are still GORGEOUS to me. They were my refuge, my gateway to joy, living, Life. If not for them then, there’d be no me now. – As we drove onto Clrwter we met Steve, walking girls. He seemed some-what “removed”/preoccupied. Sometimes I can’t figure and often I feel somehow guilty for something I don’t believe I’ve done. But that’s my personal psychoses. – Silas and I talked for quite a while, in the car out front. After listening to his relationships and witnessing S&T, I can HONESTLY state: I am happier solo. Period. – In at about 22.00. Began putting colour to Tara’s painting. – I am NOT looking forward to ANY talk with Doug tomorrow but I must. No car means I am SO FUKKED! Still, I expect him to just taje the car right from under me. – There’s so much I have planned for the coming week… Top? WORK/INCOME!

Mon.14May 23.10: ***************
30-DAY NOTICE: EXPIRES 14 JUNE
*********************************
Tara’s painting is looking great! I’m enjoying the different style of the Saco River bridge. – She was here today, but I managed to get to the kitchen this morning and made one pot/2 jars of coffee with the coffee-maker then back to my room to continue painting. I wish I’d had this done for her sooner but I’m giving this one to her for nothing and need to get enough to exhibit for sale for me. – Silas came by with coffee and donut for me. Tara joined us talking: We discussed Sbrna and my arrears. I don’t know how much she knows about my arrears, and, quite honestly, I don’t much care. It’s a fact and no particular secret. And although I ache because of it, I’ve no shame. – We all went out for cigs for Tara. Silas & Tara got coffee (I passed on the offer) and came back to the house. Whilst Tara and Silas schmoozed, I pruned trees about the yard, just to expel some nervous energy. – LATE start (15.00) to BTV City Hall: Permit on side street, 200$/6mos, 200$/insurance, 45$ background check. Permit on Church: governed by the Church St. Market. WELL! THAT shot that idea completely to all Hell! – Lunch at Vermont Pub & Brewery: Cheese/Gravy Fries for me, and a beer! Bangers/mash, ginger ale for Silas. – A drive… 89 to Richmond, stop at Williston rest area for brochures on VT and a map, followed by a back-roads drive back to Shelburne…
***** On arrival, Steve asked for a talk on the back porch: 30 DAYS but pending upon my getting a job and paying weekly. Why? His 2700/mo financial on the house. I understand completely. He actually cried as we talked! My regret? I’ve wanted to talk to him about this but not with Tara in the house. I never should have waited. But, as we agreed, if I get back into work with-in the 30 days and get back into paying, the arrears can be worked-out. Bottom line is, obviously, he needs the income (and I WANT to help him!*****
-Tara was shocked when I told her. “He loves you!” This is tough on him, his expenses AND giving you notice. (I can see that.) – Where’s all the great shit our president Obama promised. Moron! BloodyFukking liar politician. HE can make excuses for his failure to pull this country out of the Depression and shit4brains idiots give HIM a break. Meanwhile, we’ve got ILLEGALS POURING into the country, applying for amnesty and naturalisation and draining the economy, working for cash and sending it OUT! And the rest of us are eating shit, unemployed, under-paid, paying taxes that go to services for the REAL scumbags! Oh how this nation is just incredibly obtuse! – Today I had to bleach right ear: something in it! – In tonight’s phone chat with Fran, she offered her place if need be. A good thing to know but… – It tutned into another late night on the phone and I have a BUSY day tomorrow: more than EVER, I MUST get a JOB!

Tue.15May (30) 4.19: Awake… Just awake. At the desk, stomach rolling, eyes burning, headache. Awake. I told Doug I’d give him money on Friday. HE doesn’t NEED the money. Steve NEEDS the money. The cheque will probably be for just, maybe 200$ and splitting it 50/50 won’t do anybody any good. Yes, I have 30 days to get a PAYING job, but… Today’s Tusday; if I don’t work this week there’ll be NO cheque NEXT week! – More work on Tara’s painting for a while. – Fran offered her place… dog hair, the odour of curry and cigarettes and a loo that’ll require bleaching. Servitude. Live-in. It’s depressing. – Meanwhile, the right ear is swelling… no health care. My guts are churning. – I’m in VT. That’s not an issue… A job! A PAYING JOB! – 5.03 Back to nap. Be out of the way when S&T wake. – 23.13 I really need to catch up on this. I’m listing at day’s end because I’m so exhausted… from nothing more than generic stress. Meanwhile… Silas and I did get together this morning… late. The poor kid! His back is out and yet, he trudged along in the rain, a steady rain, all day! I drove (less than a quarter tank, by the way) into town, and on his urging, parked in the Mall lot. We walked into DoL and both took a computer. I checked e-mails, started the HomeDepot application (3 tries, it kept backing out making me have to repeat) until, at abiut 12.45 Silas announced he was called in to the new job… at 15.00. I wrapped-up and we headed out. Silas wanted to stop at Henry’s. We did. I had 2 pancakes, coffee; Silas had some monstrosity and rice pudding after. – Silas urges me to take the Hampton Direct incident to court. Tara, Fran, Silas are encouraging it. In 6 months I could make quite a sum… which would help… me and Steve. And, that kind of work-place behaviour is unacceptable in this State! I certainly will do so when I find a lawyer!!! – And so, back to the car where, to my amazement, we parked free! How fortuitous! We headed back to his place where I left him to return to the house… alone. Although it feels strange, not having him around, I did hope this job turned out to be something exceptionally good for him. In these hard times, we care for and about one-another. (Those lessons learnt in the Shelter will never fade.) I headed directly to the post office (nothing today) and then to the ShlbrnLib. That turned out fairly well in that I applied, on-line (shit), HomeDept, Lowes and Gardeners. But, when I went to apply (yet again) to the Post Office? I can’t recall my bloody password! As they say: WTF? My record-keeping is too scattered! Then… I had to re-boot the bloody computer! Time! TIME! I don’t have TIME for such things! It was already after 14.00 and I needed to get “accomplished” and 3 applications wasn’t doing it! – Suddenly… the text messages: The job is miserable. Once again, Adecco misrepresents. Heavy work, disgusting work hosing bits of raw meat from the walls and floors, expexted to work 10, not 8 hours… Poor Silas HAD to forfeit. He was heading home. – As this is going on, I receive a call from VHAP: Please call for phone interview. By now it was abiut 15.40 or so. I ran to the car to phone them. Nice woman transfers my call. Voice message: Hours are 8am to 5:45pm, please call back then. Again I say: WTF? Incompetence, e’en here! I started the car, headed home. – S&T were still here, the house was typically silent. I came in and got right to painting. – Shortly after, Silas came by with dimsum (artificial crab, claims he).
He talked about the misery of the job. The conversation turned into LAUGHABLE material, as he and I still can do. We watched “True Blood” on his lap-top and he brought me to 7Deli for smokes… then back to the house. We talked out-side at his car for quite the while (I came in at about 21.30). He was off and I returned to painting.
23.28 Too tired. tomorrow (OK… caught this up.)

Wed.16May (29) 5.50: and back at painting… for Tara’s Mum. – VHAP interview with Kathy this morning. FoodStamps at 209/mo. effective tomorrow. Insurance effective 1 May. – *** DREAM: I was laying in bed asleep. I woke, turned on my left side, facing the wall. On the wall, written in all upper-case lettres, randomly scattered were statements: “Wack me off good. Suck my dripping cock. Eat and swallow faggot. Suck me deep cocksucker.” and more I can’t recall. As I read I thought “Who would write this? When did they come in? While I slept?” I opened my eyes and woke from the dream.*** – 10.46 I rang VHAP… *** I HAVE MEDICAL INSURANCE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YONKS! O $H!T WOW! And 200 in monthly FOOD! I’m in shock! *** – Sent message to Silas. Chatted very briefly with Fran. Almost finished Tara’s painting. EXhausted! – 23.47 What a day! I got to chat with T. The house is close to foreclosure! I MUST get WORK! Not just for me but for S! Damn it! I MUST! – I finished Tara’s painting too. – Silas came this morning and we headed to ShlbrnLib in what was a gorgeous day. I applied for 2 PMR positions: Richmond and Underhill Ctr; Union St. Media. As I did, thunder storms rolled in. So much for gorgeous day. But I’m also on the roster to *** exhibit art at ShlbrnLib! *** So OK! – We left and took a road trip down the 7 and got to Brandon and the Sanderson Covered Br. over a VERY swelled Otter Creek. To-date, it’s my favourite. Very pretty. – En route back, a stop at A&W on the 7. Cash or cheque only! We scraped our cash, came short… I gave my CDA 5$… today’s rate is par! – As we drove back in some truly torrential rains (rather amazingly hard down-pours), Motek rang! I wanted to take the calls but wouldn’t because… well… it’s rude. When we stopped at Silas’ so he could get his scanner, I git the message: just checking in. How sweet… he’s (Motek) actually trying to keep contact. I never would have guessed he’d care. It touches my heart. – When we came back to the house this evening, Silas brought his scanner and I’m current with the digital images of all current work! – Tonight I’m in pain: head/neck and my nose is painful as well! I can’t figure that: yesterday it was the right side, today, the left. No sign of anything wrong but, so tender! Oh well… 57 is so close (so too… 60, at this rate).

Thu.17May (28) 6.52: Heard the alarms and went right back to sleep. Woke “heavy”, rather “weakish”. – 7.00 S. left. T. is here. I think things are worse than imagined… he’s requiring “company”. Odd: and I’m expecting Doug to come take the car. What a house-hold! Fuk. – FOOD STAMPS CAME! (I can get coffee again! The little things are so important in life.) – Midnight. I’m awake and sleepless. – WELL! Interesting start to the day… I agreed to drive today (Silas and I on the great Employment Search) but got a very late start. I gave T the painting for her Mum and got into a “chat” about rents, landlords, jobs and… S’s finances. Seems the gas co. came yrsterday to shut service! T believes S just forgot to pay it and that he has slready. I don’t know but the talking took so long that Silas actually drove HERE to make sure all was OK! Then, on the way out, T got into the car situation, offering more “round and abouts” and even suggesting hiding the car in the garage! I told her about Photoshopping stickers when I had the Subie in WV. She found that clever. As I later said to Silas, it’s rather odd, being in the company of “similar” people. (I never would have expected this.) – We left the house rather late and drove to CreditUnion for Silas where I got info on opening an account there. I really must at this juncture… Then it was on to Hannaford’s fir COFFEE! I immediately git 3 jars which should last at least to the end of my residency here (Creation should forbid that it should come to that date) and 2 boxed milk for cereals. Food… AND job applications! – A quick stop to the ATM where I was pleasantly surprised to fund 220 in the account (and presently pulled it all). 100 up front for Steve, 30 for Silas. I can’t pay all but I can give what I have. – And we were off to BTV to “job search”, listing retailers we can apply to. I parked at the mall garage and after strolling through the mall, along Church, stopping for coffee at Speeder & Earls, and checking in at Silver Maple and VT Car Share, there was no charge fir the parking! (The young woman at Silver Maple gave me a list of places in which to exhibit my art… Now to get to that!) – A skip to Winooski for gas: I finally cleared that 5$ from the Gift Card! 1,3gals into the tank plus 25 more in cash. Almost full! (It’s been suggested, and agreed, not to put too much in, just in case the car “disappears’… so to speak.) – Out to Essex to Big Lot for a frame(1) and then into Williston, Xmas Tree for mats(2) and a sachet for the car (it reeks of those home-rolled cigarettes and (?)! Silas says he diesn’t smell it but I can’t see how he doesn’t. It’s disgusting!) We got applications for jobs there too. – We laughed so much and so hard all during the day! I believe it does us both a lot of good to break the severity of the situation to be able to laugh. It’s probably saving me from some sort of break-down. – We got back to the house at about 21.30, just as S. was heading up to bed. – I came in, not tired in the least, framed Emily’s Bridge and Tear of the Cloud with the new mats and, still not really tired, I’ve gotten under the blankets to enter this… in the dark. – I’m more concerned with getting money for Steve than much else these days. His bills are piling up and he stands to lose more than I ever have. At times like this I’m glad my “Life” can be packed away and “toted”. But no matter what, this house MUST be saved… not necessarily for me…

Fri.18May (27) 8.56:
*****Before leaving the house, I handed Tara 100$ to give to Steve when he gets in, in the event I wasn’t here to give it to him directly. Silas was there as she counted it. I told her, I know it isn’t the solution to all, but it’s something to have. Earlier, on the back porch, I’d stressed the fact that I don’t think of it as “rent due” as much as I think of it as a “friend whom I need to help keep his home”. (As Brad once said: If you don’t tell people things, they have no eay of knowing.)*****
I woke at 5.30 but have been moving slowly with the morning. Steve left abruptly this morning so I couldn’t give him the money (that Doug won’t be getting… particularly since it seems he’s cutting communications now). – I keep checking to see if the car is in the drive. If it goes, it’ll be a miserable blow, but nit unexpected. And this morning is busy on the street: Keith has the movers, Bob has lawn guys and such. T. is still here. And U’m having COFFEE! Outside, folks are in t-shirts… I am in 16• and my black hooded sweat-shirt. Hmmm… – 9.52 and I haven’t painted! Napped and caught up with this Journal. Radio on just now. Tara’s here today. The state is opening in 8 minutes and there’s been no word from Silas. I… eill be in the shower and out the door in short order. I’ve applications to complete and job-searches to accomplish. Waiting and being “considerate” will do me no good. – By the way… still only 16• in here… quite cold.
– (Saturday morning 9.33) This morning, I went about getting my day together, planning on being productive in the job-hunt. Got started a but later than hoped but… When I finally got in touch with Silas, went out-side to ring Fran. She says she received an e-mail from J.San: another “final break-up” with Dg, so I should beware, he’s probably in bad spirits. Oh great! I cleaned my belongings out of the car. I still believe he’s capable of just showing up and taking it. – Then Tara comes out of the house, sits on the deck. We got talking. It appears Steve is pretty set on my leaving… she suggested Work Ready, and all sorts of live-in/live-away jobs. Doesn’t make me feel very secure. But one way or another, I need work so… – I’d told Silas that I’d drive but because it took me so long to get to him, he came by and offered to drive. I locked the Ford in the drive and we were off… to ShlbrnLib where, fukme as usual, no internet! I NEED to submit applications for work! Instead, I transfered images from the phone and printed a quick-and-dumb résumé for retail and we got on the road. – As we drove, Silas suggested tsking Fran to Grand Buffet this evening. I knew that would just delight her to no end so I rang her from the road. Meanwhile, Silas and I went to Hannaford’s in Williston to drop a résumé (we should call on Tuesday for interview!) and XmasTree (they’re interviewing!) and to get applications for BdBthBynd. Job-hunting… By now it was almost 17.00! Time is passing too, TOO quickly! Off we went to Fran! – What LAUGHING! It seems that every moment with him is full of laughter! Honest laughter. (It just reminded ne of Lou when we first met and he told me “You make me laugh.” and Fran said the same thing. But when the laughter stops, comes the disposal.) Anyway, indeed we did go to Grand Buffet (34$ for the 3 of us, I believe… I owe him!). And more laughter there! The World is breaking the Oppressive weight with these moments. It was like a road trip more than much else. Good fun. And FOOD! – We left Grand Buffet round 21.00, headed back to Fran’s for a bit. – During our talking this evening, Fran shocked me with an offer to loan me a lap-top! Imagine! I don’t know that it will ever happen and I doubt it will, but that’s quite an offer… and it would/could be quite a blessing. I’m not riding on the hope, but… and she gave me a very nice Winter jacket that belonged to her late husband. (And here I am, about to lose the car, lose my living place.) Well, I don’t understand the logistics but we shall see, in due course, whar’s to come of it. – By about mid-night, Silas and I were on the road back. Comic relief began with an over-zealous right turn onto the 15! Again… laughter all along the roads…
(1.05 Saturday) Silas and I got back yo thr house at about 24.25. The stairs were lighted snd Steve’s bedroom door was open. I walked in the house at about 24.35, no lights on, no porch light, I used my phone to light the stairs… good thing; Tara was stumbling about, opened the bedroom door and didn’t scream, but she staggered snd said “Oh it’s Jude. Jude’s here. Great.” and the she proceeded to fall down the stairs, in the dark. I put the stairs light on and helped her get to the kitchen. As I stayed down-stairs to make certain she was OK, Steve slammed his bedroom door… twice. Well… I didn’t wait in the kitchen, I came up to the room. Nothing I could do about anything. But at 1.15 the house has gone quiet. I’m exhausted… truly.
“Fair doo frahmage!” has become Silas’ rather favourite expression. Something worthy of adding here…

Sat.19May (26) 9.29: Just waking. 18• in the room and I’m sweating. And a message fm Dg to call him. Wonderful. Fukme in the morning. I’d like to puke. 26 days left to find work and … well… Anxieties. Here we go! – NOAA: 80• today, 90• tomorrow! SHOOT ME! – 10.13 and there’s stirring in the house. I’ve been on the pot, catching-up with this (and listening for the Ford to disappear). – An MMS from Motek this morning, including a VERY suggestive photo. I wonder what’s gotten into him lately… calls, messages. – I wonder how the 100$ went over with Steve yesterday. – And today, there had better be internet at the library! – No Silas… he’ll be in Plattsburgh for the week-end. (It will be rather odd, him not about.) – Fran is expecting me to go there and, well, perhaps I must (though I’d rather take some sun but… this ain’t Noo Yawk and there ain’t no beach! And I got nuthin’ to use for a blanket/towel so…) – 10.24 Time to get the fuk together and GO! KADIMA! – (On Sunday 20th 10.05am) It turned out to be a very hot and clear day and, for the most part, a wasted day. – Silas rang from the road… to Plattsburgh, and I headed diwn to the ShlbrnLib. That turned to wadted time because of no internet service and the graphics software to work on my paintings portfolio is a limited version of “Paint”. Not to mention, their “Word” (Open Office) software re-formatted my résumés! So… – At about 14.00 I gave up and drove out to Fran’s where we sat out back for a while until it got too hot for both of us. – Inside, I got a generic cover lettre done… for HealthCare jobs (that I don’t want but have no choice at this juncture) and we had dinner (I ate 3 huge burgers!). From there? A “usual” visit with Fran, drinking coffee and talking about everything imaginable! – Add to this day, the following:
.Motek has been sending “MMS” and a “Golden” message (rather most suggestive)
.An MMS and voice call from PJ
.An MMS from Silas… from TICONDEROGA!
.And Fran tells that when we were at Grand Buffet, when I left the table, Silas pointed-out that “we need to get him laid” (ref.to.me)
Fran and I discussed Denis, Nick (she now understands Plattsburgh and me), Lou, Joyce. It was quite the nite.
I left at 3.00 Sunday morn! Arrived at the house at almost 4.00.- And, quite frankly, there’s nothing more to be said on the subject.

Sun.20May(25) 4.05: Just in from Fran’s. Alarms set for 8.30 and such. All quiet in the house and… I came in to the porch light on. Nobody will know how much I appreciate that. – 9.38 At about 8.20 I woke with a left calf cramp that felt as though my muscles had been torn from the bone and twisted! Still limping. – Tired beyond description now and full of anxieties because of the car… and rent… and the lack of job-search progress yesterday. And… it’s HOT already… and I have no real hot weather clothing, would like to take some sun but, like the “country”, there’s no place to do so. Good morning. – 19.34 Tired. Rather out of it. – Tried ringing Motek before leaving the house this morning. A few sentences and… lost signal! He rang back. A few sentences and… dropped call! Bloody stupid technology! Between cell and internet this country is shit. Retards from the top, down. – I got to the FltchrLib at just past noon and got a mez. table with outlet. The only thing “accomplished” was popping the Journal on-line. No iTunes (Apple, iTunes et al simply fuk themselves with foot-long stupidity). So… I went to some of my favourite tmblr locations, still in search of “MY PEOPLE”! Today, I put several images directly onto the iPod. – Text messages from Silas came in. He was in BTV… meeting one of his “hareem” as it were. Honestly? I’m too tired for all that crap and have my own issues to deal with. I replied but that’s about all. – By about 14.00 I was headed for the car. An older couple, Québec plates, parked beside. He got out and was about to put money in the metre. She apologised, in English, Italian accent, for blocking my access to the car. I replied: “I was about to tell you: C’est gratuit aujourd’hui.” She told her husband, in English. He thanked me. “You speak French very well, by the way.” she commented. Well! Indeed. Merci madame… million fois. – I wanted to find North Beach, having heard so much about it, so I headed up. Packed! And there’s a charge to use it! VT has managed to block EVERY cm. of its lake-front! Fuk! I turned round, right back to 5482. – Here, Steve was mowing on the ride-on. Tara inquired about yesterday morning when I walked in and she tumbled down the stairs. Me? I took my little sketch-book and strolled to the confined area of lake access available here. I miss my BEACH! – Passed an hour. Doodled. Returned. Came up to my room… Napped. I didn’t want to wake but… must sleep tonight… job/money hunt tomorrow! – 20.24 and cooling down to 26,5•! Imagine? Warmth in THIS room! And S&T have the attic fan running… Hmmm… who’ll pay the electric bill for that? I’m not even listening to radio.

Mon.21May(24) 21.16: Just returning from a day with Silas and… A DOUBLE INTERVIEW AT BedBath&Beyond! OK, not the get-rich-quick-enough career, but… Do I get the job? I’ve no reason to think I won’t but we’ll know “with-in 7 business days”. Otherwise… – I was up at about 6.00, coffee and such and by 9.30 I was parked in the garage in town. Dropped a quickly-written note to Doug to let him know that I’m not ignoring/avoiding and how much I appreciate. – On to DoL to compose and print 4 applications for home care (may it not come to that) – 22.12 SHIT HIT THE WALLS!!!! Apparently Ms. Tara’s been telling Steve that Silas comes here to hang out all day, lap-top plugged in, down-loading things and having coffee! Steve all but told me to get out tonight until I told him I can go to agencies for back rent… he agreed to help me do that so tomorrow, on my list of finding a PCP and work, I now have to get to all the agencies I’ve avoided. But Steve and I shook hands on it and all was well until… Tara started: “In order to live some-where we all have to pay rent…” Implication: I’m free-loading… The events:
After spending an other-wise positive day with Silas including a bite to eat, I got back to the house at about 21.00 (or shortly there-after). It was the usual darkness inside, only the stove light was on, but I heard some music coming from the back porch. I wanted to tell Steve the positive news about the interview and the applications so I ventured into the kitchen to the back door. I couldn’t see out because of the darkness so I opened the door to find Steve on one chair facing Tara on the other. They were both leaning toward each-other and nothing was being said (as far as I could hear). Figuring they were involved in yet another of their “heart-to-heart” talks (the kind that usually end up with Tara making a hasty retreat the following day), I simply stepped inside and closed the door. I went up to my room to get ready for some sleep. Another busy day ahead tomorrow and I was exhausted! – Some moments later I heard Steve and Tara talking in the kitchen. They weren’t yelling so I figured all was well and I still wanted to tell Steve of the good news so I went down. Steve was standing, alone, in the kitchen, at the counter. His eyes were glassy and a bit on the blood-shot side, the way they get when he’s gone into half-time on the Red Stag. He looked a bit perturbed so I thought the good news of today might lift his spirits a bit. I started to tell him about the day and the interviews, adding, of course, that this was not the “Cure-all” to either of our finances but that it seemed a step in the right direction. He replied “I’m not in the right place to discuss this right now.” He was curt. So I simply added that I thought the news might be something he’d want to hear and was getting ready to leave when he continued telling me that things were really not good and that something HAD to change and HAD to change “now”. He added that the house was about to go into foreclosure and that he stood to lose everything he’d fought 8 years to keep. As he said this, Tara came in from the porch, staggering and giggling. She was holding a drink in her hand and she started to speak, beginning some opening line of a joke or something and Steve told her that this wasn’t a good time for joking. She smiled and said that she’d come in to tell a joke because she thought it would be a good time to lighten the mood. Steve told her that it wasn’t a good time. She went back to the porch saying “I was just going to tell a joke but I guess this isn’t the time. Soooorrrryyy.” and she went back out to the porch. – Steve continued to tell me that he was in a really bad mood “and THAT (pointing in the direction of the door where Tara had left) doesn’t help. He added that he was in such poor straights at this point that he had to borrow money to pay the expenses today and that he wasn’t at all happy about it. He added “Yes, my parents are still alive but going to stay with them is simply NOT happening, it can’t happen.” So I told him that I understand that there are agencies and such that could help me at least get the bulk of my rent covered but that I didn’t go to them because I’d need documentation proving that I owed rent and that the funds would be given directly to him. I added that I hadn’t gone to them already because I didn’t want to put him into a predicament where he’d have to claim the additional income. He replied “Man! I need the money. I don’t care if I have to claim it at the end of the year. Do what you can… do what you have to do!” I was relieved! New venues opened to me and I told him that I had other plans for tomorrow but that I’d go to the agencies first thing in the morning, I’d let him know what I needed to get what-ever was available and tried to re-assure him that everything would work-out perfectly well. We shook hands in agreement of the points and facts. – At some time, as we spoke, Tara walked in. I hadn’t noticed her until she staggered to the counter and began, almost solemnly and in a condescending tone of voice:
“The thing is….” she began. Steve told her that she was getting into things that didn’t have anything to do with her and to mind her own business.
“I was just going to say…” she added and Steve told her to “shut up, this doesn’t concern you.”
“I only wanted to say…” she continued and Steve became increasingly annoyed and repeated, only louder “Shut up Tara.”
Ignoring him, she continued: “We all have to live someplace..” (“SHUT UP TARA!” Steve interjected) and she ignored this as well “and we all have to pay some kind of rent or some kind of house payment and if we can’t make the payments we have to leave.” (A third statement from Steve to “Shut up!” which was ignored. “We can’t just be someplace without making some kind of contribution.” Steve steadied himself at the counter, saying nothing more.
I addressed Tara: “And you apparently believe that I’m simply free-loading here, trying to stay with-out making any kind of contribution to the house-hold.”
“I didn’t say that! You apologise to me right now!
“I didn’t say that you did say so. I’m merely said that it appears to me that you feel that way. She became indignant and told me that she wasn’t calling me a freeloader, that I had better apologoise to her. I said nothing to her, simply looked at her, waiting to hear what she might say next. She became quite angry and repeated that she wanted me to apologise. Since I saw that she was becoming rather irate, I silently walked away to go to my room, thinking that it would be best for me to leave the house for a while, hoping that Steve and Tara would simply get too tired to stay awake, go to bed and at that time, I could return to the house, get to my room and go to sleep for the night.
At 21.53, for a period of 15minutes 1 second, Silas and I engaged in a telephone conversation during which time I told him of the events that had transpired up to this point. We ended the call when I told him that I felt it in my best interest to leave the house and go for a walk for a while.
At approximately 22.10, as I prepared to leave the house for my walk, there came a knock at the door to my room. I opened the door and Tara came in, holding a drink in here hand. She was insistent upon my apologizing for accusing her of calling me a “Free-loader”. I quietly told her that I did not say that she called me a “Free-loader” but that the insinuation was obvious. She continued to repeat “You owe me an apology! I want an apology!”
As I tried to tell her that I would not apologise, she interrupted me. I simply said: “If you’re not going to listen to me and let me say anything, I’m not going to stand here and listen to you yell. I want to go for a walk so I’m leaving the house.”
She moved across the room and stood in front of the door so that I couldn’t get to it.
“Are you physically detaining me? Are you refusing to let me leave? Are you going to make it necessary to call the police to get out of here?” I asked.
“CALL THE POLICE? OH RIGHT, YOU’RE GOING TO CALL THE POLICE! REALLY? CALL THE POLICE. RIGHT. AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO TELL THEM?” she yelled at me.
“Tara,” I said, “I’m not going to stand here any longer. I’m turning off the light and leaving. You’re free to stay as long as you like.” and I turned the desk light off and Tara stepped to the side of the door, freeing my access to open the door. I let her leave in front of me because she all but shoved me out of her way and existed the room. I followed, 2 stairs behind, just in case she might accuse me of pushing her or such, down to the front door where I exited the house.
Tara said to me: “OK. Be a dick about it if you want. He’s two days from throwing you out of this house. You need all the friends you can get and I’m the only one who can stop him from throwing you out! Now you don’t even have me so good luck!” and she slammed the door behind me.
I walked up Clearwater to Route 7 and decided to head up to the over-look on Spear St. just to get away from the house.
On Rte.7, in front of Modern Design, I sent a text message to Silas, telling him where I was, where I was going and why. As I walked north on Rte.7 Silas and I exchanged several messages.
It began to rain as I walked and I thought that, rather than get soaked in the rain, I could return to the house and stay in the car for a while and wait until the house was dark, indicating that Steve and Tara had gone to sleep. But, if I were to stay out much longer, I’d be in the car, wet through. So I made a hasty return to the house.
At the house, I immediately got into the back-seat of the car and sent a text message to Silas to tell him that I was in the car where I would probably be until some time in the early morning the next day.
At 23.00 Silas telephoned me. This conversation lasted for 1 hour, 13 minutes and 27 seconds.
We discussed the events of the evening and my decision to stay in the car over-night, if need be. He told me that he thought it ridiculous that I should feel that I couldn’t or shouldn’t go into the house. But I insisted that it would be to my benefit to stay in the car for as long as possible.
I’d been using my back-pack as a pillow, set up against the passenger-side door, and I’d started to doze, because I was so tired, when I noticed what seemed to be head-lights illuminating the inside of the car. I thought it might be a pizza delivery, since it was not uncommon for Steve and Tara to order pizza late at night. I decided to ignore the lights and try to sleep a bit. Silas was still on the line so I excused myself and tried to get comfortable.
As I lay in the car, eyes closed, I heard some-one walk past the car, then knock, repeatedly on the door to the house. I then heard muffled voices and I got up just enough to look out the back window of the car and saw the car of the Shlbrn PD parked on the street. My first thought was that Steve and Tara had fought loudly enough so as to disturb the neighbours and someone notified the police. I watched as the police officer entered the house and close the door.
Through the door-glass I noticed that there were no lights put on and that the officer was conducting his visit with a flash-light aimed at Steve’s mid-section.
But at no time did I ever feel that I should go inside the house. Better to be removed from what-ever incident was taking place in there.
At some time relatively shortly there-after, another police car arrived and another officer entered the house. I still felt no need to enter the house and, at this time I felt that there might be some rather resentful sentiments on behalf of Steve and Tara if my suspicions where correct and that some neighbour had notified the authorities.
I don’t know how long it was there-after when a flashlight was shone into the car window and a police officer knocked on the window. I calmly got up and opened the door. I thought I was about to be questioned about events that had taken place during the evening. What did transpire next was a questioning… but the line of questioning was unexpected:
I was asked my name and what I was doing in the car. I answered both questions honestly. I told the officers that there had been some tension between Steve and Tara earlier in the evening and I wanted to avoid it.
I was asked if there had been any violence in the house during the evening. I said “not to my knowledge”.
THEN, after a civil conversation, I was asked if I’d hit Tara! I was told that she and Steve were filing a report of “assault and battery” AGAINST ME! It came as no surprise to me, either because I some-how expected it or I was just too exhausted to respond/react. The officers were calm and understanding. They weren’t accusatory. They both seemed to understand the situation… all too well, I felt.
They returned to the house for a while, advising me not to leave the car. I waited…
When the officers returned I was given two choices:
(a) I could leave right then and there, under Writ of Trespass with no charges filed.
(b) I could chose to remain and be arrested, taken in and spend the night in jail, awaiting arraignment in the morning.
I opted for (a) and asked if I could make a telephone call. I knew I could pack the room into the car alone, but didn’t want to be alone. I rang Silas… poor guy. I don’t even know what time it was at this point because I’ve lost the record on the phone. He agreed to come over and so I waited.
The police told me that they would stay in the house until all the moving-out was completed.
Soon after, Silas did arrive. We both went into the house. Steve and Tara were entertaining the police officers in the most festive of moods, Tara was having yet another drink… Silas and I simply went up to the room where I tried to pack things neatly but, because it got later and I was getting tired, eventually, all things simply got tossed onto the bed and shoved into the car.
Aside from the fact that everything was rather nastily handled and the packing was anything but proper… Tara kept the water-colour of the Saco/Swift River Covered Bridge on the advice (to me) of the police. But… her dear mother will not rest as long as that picture is in her daughter’s or her possession! Karma and the Great Metaphysical will see to that!
Silas and the police asked where I would go for the night. I thought, immediately, of the rest area on the Interstate. Silas refused to let me do that and offered to put me up in a motel. I was in no mood or mental/physical state to boldly refuse.
When we left the premises, the police followed us up to Rte.7, making sure that we left…
It was over. My happy room in the lovely house was gone… and I had the threat of an “Assault and Battery” charge hanging on my head!

Tue.22May(23) 4.03: It’s 4.03am. I’m at the Days Inn, Shelburne. Silas has put me up here for the night after helping me pack and move out of the house at about midnight or much later, which happened on the advice of 2 Shelburne police who responded to a call from Steve’s (landlord) girlfriend Tara who filed (false) charges of assault against me whilst I was out taking a walk because they (Steve & Tara) were drunk and fighting. She (Tara) claims I grabbed her throat and hit her (Silas knows I wasn’t even in the house) and the nice officers told me they’ve made “MANY” calls to that house because of Tara and several other of Steve’s girlfriends. – Later today I’m getting a lawyer (PJ… do you know a good one in town?) and will be suing for everything and all possible. – Mailing addresse is still POB xxx. – PJ, your items are quite safe and securely packed. – Nancy dear… Karma… and the support of GREAT people. – Just wanted yooz to know. I need a nap now.
Love All…..
(Continuing on Tue.Jun5: 9.53 And there’s no telling how well and how much I’ll catch-up with this morning. Fran’s gone with a group, to shop. I have the place and the PC. Journaling on Word… I’ve been so damned tired these past few days between work and the fact that “we” don’t get to bed until round and about midnight… – I’ll be working off the quick notes from the iPod here for a bit… But this morning, I got a call from the job: Call to discuss extra “training” days. Looks like I’m “in”… and I could certainly use the extra time (read: money). – GREAT! I have to go back to finish last month in addition to these past few days of June! Well, let’s get busy here…) At about 11.30, I checked-out of the Days Inn, Silas came over to meet me and we headed out to Fran’s. I’d forgotten that this was the day that her kids came by to visit and there I was, functioning on only about an hour’s sleep. I still don’t know how I managed, but I did have a great time playing with the “Grands”. Devon’s little ones are a delight… they had me running all over the yard and playing. I guess it was Life’s diversion from the reality of the severity of the depressing situation. And Devon is truly a marvelous fellow. Very polite and yet, welcoming. But I was SO exhausted from everything yesterday and last night (and this morning). I mean, I didn’t get to check-in at the motel until almost 4.00 this morning, didn’t get settled until almost 6.00. Didn’t really get any sleep at all through the morning. And then… had to un-load the car (after the Grands left) and, of course, discuss the events of the night before. (10.08 on Tuesday and I just realized that I have to cut my hair whilst I have the time!) – (Continuing on 8 June 16.19) I didn’t want to do the un-loading in the day-light because of the neighbours noticing that I’d be bringing a suit-case, but dear, sweet Fran rather insisted that I do so because I had my paintings in the car and the night would get damp. I brought in what I needed for the night… Thankfully, I invested in that over-sized cot! – Well… the night moved along and so did we, on into the early hours of the morning. Fran was SO supportive and helpful through the night… but I was painfully ill with fatigue. This is going to become another situation like the one with Margot and I’m terrified… NO SLEEP! How and why is it that I end up in situations like this? Sleep Depravation. It’s not un-like being in the Shelter in that respect. And what I truly don’t understand is that these people encourage me to get work but never seem to even try being supportive in allowing me to get the necessary rest! Well… I shouldn’t complain… I’m NOT in the shelter system here in VT and I’m NOT out in the car on the roads. I am grateful.

Wed.23May(22): (8Jun) Hung about with Silas for most of the day, helping him get applications in retail and such, and can’t seem to recall much else about this day. I do know and can say that I’ve been all but destructively exhausted… and the events of Monday/Tuesday aren’t helping, neither is staying awake all into the night.

Thu.24May(21): (8Jun. 21.10) This morning I helped Fran with some of her paper-work for the State. During the rest of the day, I helped Silas with his Post Office application. I hope he follows through with it and I hope he gets to take the test… at the very least. – Thinking about it, I’m STILL doing for others whilst in a position where I’M the one who needs the help. But isn’t that what Life is all about? If you see something that needs to be done and you can do it… do it!

Fri.25May(20): (8Jun. 21.12) I slept rather well, though not enough last night. This morning, there’s practically NO GAS IN THE CAR! But I went into S.Burl. to get Silas so that he can get out of the house (and, admittedly, so that I could enjoy his company). – We went to BHC so that I could look into finding a PCP for VHAP. That was about the extent of the “work” for today. Not much and not very responsible. But I’m SO BLOODY TIRED! and there’s SO MUCH TO DO! – I dropped Silas at home and headed to Hannaford’s to get something to eat for tonight and perhaps tomorrow. Headed back to Jericho. – When I walked in, Fran told me that she was a bit taken by the fact that I won’t be able to paint while here and she knows how I’ve been talking about getting my works exhibited but can’t go round with the framed originals. She printed the 6 that she’d scanned! I was beside myself with gratitude! She CARES! INDEED! – 20.45 Dinner just on stove… late night again and I’m exhausted… painfully as usual.

Sat.26May(19): (8Jun. 21.20) Today, Fran put 20$ in gas into the car and we took to the roads. SoBurl Dollar Store and then across to the BurgerKing where Fran had a “dinner” and I had a caramel sundae. – We returned to the house for a 22.30 dinner and FINALLY got to sleep at 1.00 on Sunday morning! THIS is going to kill me!

Sun.27May(18): BRADSHAW’S DIED! (8Jun. 21.22) Up at 9.35 and SO BLOODY TIRED! Fran went to church for 10.00 services and I dusted and Hoovered until Fran got back home (11.30). Filled sand bags (from the 50lb bags that Silas and I had gotten at HomeDepot yesterday… or when-ever) and put up the screen round the umbrella table on the back porch. – Fran went in to nap at approx 15 and didn’t wake until about -18.00! – I’ve been trying to write court notes but I’m SO Ungodly (in the truest sense of the word) tired! And it seems I just can’t get these notes done! Distractions. Ever so similar to being with Margot! – Tonight I clicked a link from my CV to BBeatTV…Bradshaw’s died, stroke, 16 January! John predeceased him! Holy shit! I don’t know why, exactly, but it actually hurts me. But he’s at peace… and the World knows… he Lived! LIVED!

Mon.28May(17): (8Jun.21.29) Wasted, wasted, wasted holiday. Silas came by for a while. This “no work” is aggravating!!!!! Just depressing. Just shit! And Adecco is WORTHLESS!

Tue.29May(16): (8Jun.21.30) 21.57 Just finishing dinner! 11.30 interview tomorrow at Shlbrn PO. Clothes in suitcase are wrinkled. Need haircut and shave. Tired. And Fran’s only just now starting to cook cabbage. Fuk! It’s Margot all over again. I said as much to Silas today when I got out of the house… at 13.30! This “life” is falling apart. – I Spoke with Motek as I drove back from BTV. – I am SO VERY tired!

Wed.30May(15): (8Jun.21.31): TODAY WAS INTERVIEW DAY AT THE SHLBRN PO! Thorough and fun. I came out of there feeling very positive about it. And it was a delight to hear “Post Office” talk: The acronyms and such. But… as the day went on, I received the call: In spite of the fact that the interview appeared to be perfect, the PM hired some-one else and so… I’m back to the beginning. – After the interview at the PO, I stopped by the Shlbrn PD: Police report not ready and costs 15$! – This evening was Ponderosa with Silas… FOOD! – I have 2 Home Care appointments on Friday. No job at PO! – I’m beginning to lose track of days… Depression beginning… But Nick got relieved in car en route back to Jericho this evening. – FINALLY GOT TO BED AT MIDNIGHT!

Thu.31May(14): (8Jun.21.39) Up at 6.30. I swear, Fran sounds JUST like Margot: the audible yawns and clanging of pots and pans. -And this morning is a road-trip into Shelburne… o jolly joy of joys.