MY DEFINITIVE DECEMBER SONG

Sat.1.Déc: 14.02 This morning, I woke at 7.30, with-out the aid of an alarm. As my eyes opened, I looked out the window into the grey skies of this day and the first words uttered aloud: “Hello Décembre!” I was in a delightful mood, good spirits and none-the-worst for the 3 martinis of last night. Indeed… it’s the first month of the Best season: my Winter will arrive shortly! – Up to time: It’s been a day of on-and-off. That’s the only way to describe it. I got a LOT of cleaning done round the place. I’d left dishes in the sink last night, having gotten so tired that I simply HAD to just take my carcass up the stairs and crash. But that wasn’t too bad. The house was chilled from having the thermostat set down to about 15C over-night. I figure that when Silas actually comes back to spend some time, he won’t be as tolerant of the chill in the house and will “need” the heat. So, I save the oil for that time. (I haven’t gone down to look at the level, and I really don’t want to either.) – Well then… the morning began to pass rather quickly and then… Silas returned. Of course, trudging the snow and such through the house. I don’t understand how inconsiderate and un-thinking and disrespectful he can be in matters like these. But I put the blame on parents. Trash. Plain and simple. I don’t know if this is how he lived when they were in his life, and I don’t know if this is how he lived in California. But I keep mopping-up the tracks on the floor. OK. The floors aren’t all the best in the world. But that’s no cause for having to wear something on the feel ALL the time… just in case. – Anyway, he was in so-so spirits today. Actually went through his mail! I’m amazed. Then went through an enveloppe on the desk and noted “Oh! These ARE bills.” To me, it’s one thing to avoid bills and another to completely forget where one put them. But this is what I live with… am stuck with… for now. – He was out to go to work at the PO and I spent the time getting to the dishes and mopping all the floors. I actually got a shower in today as well! It feels good to be clean, showered, fresh. It feels good to actually want to shower again. It’s been quite the while since the last time I thought I “want” to shower. – At about 14.05 Silas returned from work, plods through the just cleaned house with boots on, comes in to his room (where I was typing this entry and my “bullet list” for the coming litigations), pulls out his cheque-book, writes a cheque, stands up and says “Oh well… pay the rent.” and leaves. He said he was going to pay only 400$ this time and see what sort of reaction he gets from Don and Connie. Me? I’m just in the mood right now to take BOTH of them on… in front of a judge, a State Trooper, a jury if need be. I’m also in just the mood to simply look at either or both of them, in the event I’m confronted, and tell them calmly: YOU allowed Silas to sign that least ALONE, MY name is no-where on it. YOU need to take this ALL up with Silas, not me. I’m also in just the mood to start running about how much of this place is “wrong”, how much of the lease is “wrong”. But I believe I’ll leave that until it becomes necessary in front of a judge. (Out of one court mess and into another.) – 14.25 I’m “wiping-out” here… tired. But there’ll be no napping today. Silas will be here… for the duration… at least until Sunday night. – I’m going to save this as a draft in my e-mail and wipe it out on the computer… just in case. I suspect and anticipate some rather tough comings and goings this after-noon, with the rent issue and other bills (MOST of which are NONE of my business). – (Sun.17.31 continuing…) It really was a most remarkable and wonderful day! Silas was here all day and through the night. It was fascinating! (And one incident that was repulsive…) Silas seems to be a “changed” person. His mood is “softer”, I don’t know if it’s resignation, acceptance, or simply that what I’ve been saying (because lord knows it couldn’t be anything his mothers are saying!) but “life’ doesn’t seem to be making him so agitated, annoyed, anxious. He’s almost “mellow”! It’s a marvelous delight to be with him, to talk with him, to spend time with him, to have him round the house. He was, as usual, in a bit of a hurry to get to things that needed his attention. But suddenly, at one point, he said “Y’wanna go to the store?” for food. Well… YES! There’s almost nothing in the house and food shopping is past due. Before we left, I rang to see how much I had in FoodStamps. When the computer-voice told me 557$ I almost had a stroke! I told him and said “RUN! It must be a mistake and I want to get to the market before they realise!” (Little did I know…) And… we were off! The poor guy’s car! From the accident, the door doesn’t close properly and the wind just keeps rushing in, making the most annoying sound! Me? Again… I’m no stranger to that, having been in cars in my past that were in worse condition. But my heart goes out to Silas, not being “used” to that sort of thing and having to drive miles with that noise. But he says he’ll have if repaired during the week. Good for him. The bad news is that his insurance refuses to cover it! Pricks and bastards! New shit to make me angry! But the trip into the market was just wonderful. – At the market, between the two of us, we FILLED a trolly! FULL! It was amazing! And no stupidity! Just FOOD! And we talked and scooted up and down the aisles. At one point I looked at the trolly and said to Silas “I haven’t seen a trolly this full since I was a KID! shopping for a family of 6!” It felt GOOD! BUT… THEN IT HIT… at the cashe, when the order was done, I swiped my card and… INSUFFICIENT FUNDS! WHAT THE FUK? The total was 280-something and the computer told me I had 557 on there! But NO! According to the registre, I had only 166! WELL! FUKKKK ME! and FUK THE GODDAMNED STATE! AND FUK THE GODDAMNED FED! To my almost astonishment, Silas simply said “Don’t worry about it.” turned to the young lady at the registre and calmly said “Split it.” He looked at me and said “Do you want to max-out yours and put the rest on mine?” And we did. My stomach went sour! Not only did it clean me out of food-buying until January, HE had to cover almost HALF of the bill! I truly want to kick somebody’s head in now! But, Silas took it all in stride. – The trip back was fascinating! In the parking lot, we got to talking expenses and such and I mentioned that I’m cutting-back on my cigarettes and thinking of quitting. “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?” he snapped. He told me of his Grand-mum who, for most of her life, smoked regularly. At some time in her late 90’s, she quit completely, did yoga, ate better, did all sorts of “healthy” things and with-in a year, she contracted cancer and died. He, like me, believes that there’s a direct relation between long-term smokers who suddenly quite and the on-set of cancer. He said “Why would you quit now? So I can watch YOU die in a year? NO!” Well, nobody can imagine what went through my mind: first of all… that he actually has some “compassion” for me. I never would have expected that. Anyway, we got into the car and started the trip back to the house, on this chilly, dark evening (it was only just about 17.00 but pitch dark already… Winter.) En route, some-how, the conversation got round to utility bills and such and he said something ELSE that TRULY struck me: “The one day I came to the house, completely un-expected and un-announced and walked in on you, there you were, all bundled-up… and I mean BUNDLED-UP! And the house was COLD! But you were there, all alone, BUNDLED-UP! I mean, I walked out to go where I had to go but I couldn’t stop thinking about you, in the house, saving the oil, being so cold. It was terrible man!” Me? I almost cried. I NEVER expected him to even have the capacity for such a sentiment. And, after all these months of living with the accusation that I’d “shirked” my financial responsibilities in the house and the comment about him not really knowing me, not being sure that I DIDN’T hit Tara, that I really DIDN’T steal the money from Days Inn… living with those thoughts, I never would have expected any sympathy or compassion from him. But here it was. So I told him not to worry about me and the house being cold. There really isn’t all that much oil in the tank but I’m used to being bundled in the house… it reminds me of my child-hood. BUT… just because I’m used to it doesn’t mean that HE should have to become used to it… not this quickly. I told him: as long as I’m in the house alone, I’ll do what I can and what I think I should do to conserve as much heating oil as possible. Don’t you worry about me. I promise you won’t come into the house and see me dead on the floor from hypothermia. He laughed and then said “I’m not so sure about that.” We both laughed and I assured him: I’m 2km from HOME and soon, when I get he paper-work from the courts, I can go HOME again. IF and WHEN the time comes for me to leave… I WON’T be in THIS shit-hole State and I sure WON’T be in the fukkedup country! So… don’t you worry about me. I’m fine! – We got home, un-loaded the car. Silas had wanted to make tuna-noodle for dinner tonight. I said that I could whip-up a paté chinois… and that ended that. Paté chinois it was to be! And THAT was such a pleasure… cooking, knowing that I wouldn’t be the only one to eat! Yeah, it took a bit of time to get together, but Silas stayed in the kitchen with me, we talked all the while. And when it was time to eat, he said “No eating standing up in here. In my room. I have something I want you to watch.” So, into his room we came and he put on a few episodes of “Wilfred”. And we ate… and we watched… and we talked… and I enjoyed the evening with him until it got to be almost 23.00 and I noticed that he was falling asleep. I turned off the show, he woke, I bade him a good night and said I’d see him in the morning. Turned out his lights and went to the kitchen to wash tonight’s dishes. When they were done, I set-up a bowl, cup and saucer and such for him to have a breakfast in the morning. It felt good to do so. – En route up-stairs to sleep, I passed the thermostat. Set at 68. He was cold! But, considering he has a heater in his room, I turned it down (to 63) and went up to sleep. By the time I got under the covers, it was 23.57, the end of a really WONDERFUL day! – Sadly though, I have to add here: My insides are STILL full of traces of the anxieties about Monday. My body is SO used to being in this state that I’m still in the mind-set of having to be in BTV on Monday, and the terror of bad weather! This too, will probably take quite a while to go away… Always a little something to keep me from truly enjoying a day. Alas… – The day is done. First day of Décembre! Winter approaches… but again, I can go HOME! now.

Sun.2.Dec: FINALLY! AFTER ALL THESE YEARS! “haGIGA NUEVA! 1978. How I remember the great days of listening to the Hebrew programme on the radio, in The Bronx, and this song coming on the air! I loved it so much. I was just beginning to learn conversational Hebrew, I’d met Zuri, it was a wonderful time (for the most part… It was also the period when I fond my-self in Bellevue… for the first time… but it wasn’t the Shelter. It was Librium. I recall today – at 14.00 believe it or not – Walking along the East River and hoping that I’d have what it took to simply topple over the railing. I remember the hissing in my ears, the feeling of being completely drunk and trying with my “all” to keep walking until the Librium made it so that I couldn’t move any more. I don’t recall exactly what made me think that I should go to Bellevue, but something in my Being just said – as I recall – “You don’t need death, you need “help” and the only place to get that is Bellevue. Yes, that’s where you belong now.” I had little idea at the time, how to get there, but I walked, and walked, from 23rd to 33rd to get there. Checked my-self in, telling the nice people exactly what I’d done. I recall having them give me the charcoal to drink and then putting me into a windowless hall-way with people strapped in chairs. I remember one older, heavy woman,strapped to an old, high-back wheel-chair, yelling for someone, telling him/her to come get her. And suddenly, the thought hit me: “You don’t belong here, you’re not like these people, not that bad. You need to get out of here.” and wondering how the hell I’d do that, being in a Psych hospital… THE Psych hospital. I got up from my seat and began to walk the corridors. Nobody paid any attention to me. And at last I made it to the lobby and the phones. I rang Zuri and apologised – we’d had a god-awful quarrel and I was feeling incredibly guilty. I don’t even recall what the quarrel was about, and what-ever it was, it wasn’t as horrid as I’d thought. I asked him if I could come “home” and his reply was “Of course you can come home. You can always come home. Where are you?” When I told him his first response was “I’ll be right there to get you. Do you need anything? Are you OK?” And I told him that I was fine and that I’d gotten myself there and could get back just as well. He didn’t like the idea of me walking alone, but I assured him that I needed that walk and he let me walk. I don’t recall the walk back but I do recall that I was SO WARMLY welcomed back “home”, that we talked, and talked about what had happened and he assured me that nothing could ever be so bad that I should feel that that flat wasn’t my home and that I should never ask for ‘permission’ to come. Ah… that was 1980. I was in ‘Paradise’. He was my everything. Then… about 2 years later, Werner Erhardt and EST came into his life… IT ended ALL. Today, I listen to this song and I remember… and it gives me great Joy… and it hurts me to the centre of my heart. Zuri? I guess now you know just how much I adored you. I guess I still do. I’m Hurt that you left alone. I’m miserable knowing that you felt alone. I hope, with my All, that if there’s anything after this miserable term we call “Life”, that you’re someplace delightful, surrounded by all the True Beauty you found in this world. Tell your Mum I bid her: שָׁלוֹם – 18.21 And the rain is pouring! I have to get out to Mayhew’s for a moment and am just waiting for the rains to let up a bit. Meanwhile… It was another truly enjoyable day. Silas actually COOKED this morning, so we had jerk-chicken and mashed potatoes for breakfast! He’s silly in many ways and that’s just one of them. But he was cooking the chicken for his dinner tonight (he has to go to work in Shelburne but will be back tomorrow… for the entire day, he says. He ate a bit of breakfast, grabbed a shower and put a load of clothes in the washer (which are waiting for me to fold… gladly). But while we were talking in the kitchen as he cooked, he came over to me, gave me a hug and said “Thank you.” “For what?” “For keeping the house so clean. For cooking last night. For putting things out for me for this morning.” I brushed it all off with a simple “Oh, it’s actually my pleasure. Thank YOU for enjoying it.” Little did he know, or will he ever know, just how much that means to me. For most of my life I’ve DONE and seldom-to-never got thanked. This means the entire World to me. – Well, by about 10.45 he drove away and I was left alone… again. There was cleaning to be done and that kept me occupied for most of the morning and into the very early after-noon. As I worked about, I still can’t shake the feeling of needing to be in BTV tomorrow morning. That shit just won’t quit! But I kept busy with quick mop of the floors and such. Started a bit on this journal because it needed catching-up BUT!!!!! GETTING THAT MUSIC MADE MY DAY! I got it onto the iPod and headed for the kitchen to clean up and WOW did I ever clean! Even the oven got hit tonight again! – This evening, as I worked on this, I got my claim in for Chomage. Then I thought I’d check the calendar for Court tomorrow, to see if I’m on it. Well… NOPE! I won’t be “settled” until I get the “official” notice of the disposition, but WOW! It’s nice to be able to check the Court calendar and NOT see my name on it! It’s been FIVE FUKKING MONTHS… and today… AT LAST! I’M NOT ON IT! – And do, it appears that the rains have turned a bit more to the “drizzle” so I’m out the door for a moment. Undoubtedly, much more to add before putting it on the Journal. – A note: I’m getting so tired as I type this that I’ve fallen asleep, fingers still going, typing nonsense. Just now (18.36) I dozed and “dreamt” that there was a bag of kittens in the wash-room pantry that should have been fed and that I’ve forgotten for the past 3 days! Yup! Time to get a bit of a move-on here! – Well, it’s 1.34 on Monday morning… I NEVER wanted to be awake at this hour! But I got wrapped-up… – It must’ve been about 19.30 or so when I saw the head-lights speeding into the drive. It was Don… I wondered why he’d come here, but put 2 and 2 together: earlier, Hilary was up-stairs banging something on the floor so hard that the light fixture in the kitchen rattled and too, the ceiling fan in the living-room. Apparently, something’s gone wrong in her place. In any event, Don neither came by here nor stayed at Hilary’s very late. So… Not that I care. What ever is between Silas and him is their trouble and none of mine. – After that little bit, I had a couple of lines to exchange with Nancy on Twtr. Always such a delight to see from her, no matter how long or short the time. She had here wine, I had a little martini… a very little martini tonight. But, it was the thought: I wanted to have a little something extra to celebrate the NEWS! (“You’re a free man.” as Silas would say. “Get on with your life.” as Chris put it.) – After Twtr, more music down-loads (Kate Bush, Sinead O’Connor, and such), a couple new Israeli songs. Of course, that gets involved and so… here I am, just finishing folding Silas’ laundry and making up his bed. I want this place to be in order when he gets here (hopefully it’ll set and example?). – Oddly, I’m not really terribly tired. But I’ll sleep tonight. – The thermostat’s been set at about 15C/60F all day and the boiler hasn’t kicked once all day! It’s been maintaining a steady 16C all day. I’ve had the heater on in Silas’ room, primarily to take the dampness out, It’s been raining, non-stop all evening and into the night. Thankfully, it’s not freezing! (Chances are, I would have been able to make the trip into BTV tomorrow… But, as it stands now, I’ll be going into St.A. anyway… to apply, IN PERSON, for the oil subsidy, rent subsidy and to piss and moan about FoodStamps!) – And so the second day of Décmbre is closed, the third day commences. 18 more days…!!! And on THAT fond thought… I post this.

Mon.3.Dec: It’s 22.20 on Tuesday as I jot this. I’m not sure why, but I really just feel that I should put something down to account for yesterday (this date). – It was a rather… day. Surprisingly, not cold and no precipitation. Just a day of researching… trying to find lawyers, trying to find laws, trying to prep for receiving my dues. I did manage to back-up the “Kalbahjournal” and began on the others as well. Got SO MANY photos from all the Photobucket accounts I’d opened over time! I’m THRILLED about those! And found the shots of T.Butke! They brought tears… as did the shots of Tilden… and the dunes where I “resided” when first I became “Homeless”. Memories… and you know? I’d go back to those dunes… readily… after the shit here in Vermont. – At about 15.00 or so, Don came rushing into the drive, and I mean “rushing”! Went up-stairs to Hilary’s where he banged about and soldered something. I could smell it as I sat in Silas’ room. Next thing, he’s knocking on the kitchen door, so I went, looking cheerful and pleasant (and thinking other-wise).He claimed he needed to check the water metre… something about high water use this month past. He was down there for about 5-10 minutes and when he came back up I ask about the metre. “Dead.” was all he had to say. I didn’t bother to ask. I don’t much care, really. He said that the usage was higher here than in his house, where he has 3 renters, and higher than this other house in Enosburgh. Quite frankly? I believe he’s just a bag of lying shit. But then, that’s my general opinion of most, and I do mean “most” of these people up here in this State. Then he went on to say something about having to fix Hilary’s smoke alarms. Well, in the words of “True Vermonters”… what-ever. He could have told me the sky was blue and water is generally clear and I’d still not trust him. He made some side-faced remark about me returning to work. I simply said something about 12-hour shifts having been offered and let it go. I’ve no time for him. I’ve no time for ANY of “them” any more. I’m sick to death and fed-the-fuk-up with the lot of them in Vermont. And so, just as he rushed in… he rushed away. Happy riddance. – Hilary came in at about 15.30 or so. My day alone was done. – Next? Silas.. 16.30. He came in, began cooking. One would think he didn’t eat down there in S.BTV (but he tells that his mother does nothing but make him eat). Cheese quesedillas. As he cooked, Hilary stopped in. We’re getting along much better these days. She ate just a little bit, sat and talked a while and headed back up-stairs to her place. But what shocked me the most about tonight? Silas stayed in, asked me to watch “Mushi Shi” with him for a while! It must have been round about 22.00 when he fell asleep. I put out the light, left the thermostat on 62F and went up-stairs to bed. Started reading one of the books from Nancy. My eyes are so shot these days… just so shot. Sad, really. But it was a rather good day and one that wasn’t wasted.

Tue.4 dec: up at 7.00 and crept about quietly for a while. When suddenly I heard a “bang” in the kitchen, I was rather relieved to know that Silas was awake. But I waited so that he could do what he needed to do before heading off to work. Well! By the time I was headed for the stairs… I looked out the window… he was GONE! So, I headed down to the computer to do more lawyer research and to continue working on my back-ups. – 11.56 Silas stopped in to eat. He needed some clothes ironed for an interview this afternoon… I offered, gladly. But…. in one of his tantrums, he must’ have taken the iron with him to S.BTV. When he came back, I had to tell him. Luckily, his clothes weren’t badly wrinkled at all. – After the PO work this morning, he had all of about 45 minutes to “rest”, shower. Poor guy. But he’s actually experiencing reality… life is a commute. He suggested I look for telecommuting jobs… says I’m here all day.. he’s not here most of the week… I have the computer… he gave me the head-set for Skype! Imagine that! – When he left today, it was rather sad. He’s changing… becoming more appreciative of the house, becoming calmer about things… learning that it’s really not necessary to panic and allow the World to bring him down. He’s also admitting that the bulk of his troubles are because of his indiscretions. Isn’t it interesting that he should learn these things now? Not from his parents, but from/whilst being with me? I say no more on the issue. – The search for a lawyer is a miserable bitch! I don’t trust any of them here, and today, I SO WISH I was in NYC (or even MTL for that matter) where I could trust that they knew what they were doing and that they wouldn’t have any bias. “Trust”… I came here with precious little… it’s being diminished SO DRASTICLY since. I’ve got major doubts that any good (for me) will come of my litigations. But, I won’t know until I try… and try I will. Fuk this God-damned State! And I mean that… literally. I’m fed-up and SO BITTER! – Oh, and I found the MetroPCS phone and charged it back up. The fukking “Vermont” phone just doesn’t ring for alarms. Isn’t THAT typical? Bull-shit all round. – 22.53 For the past 3 days my fingers on my left hand have been painfully tingly. I wonder what that means. Not that I care. – Tonight I looked at a couple Google maps of the border… just in case. – Tonight again, it’s warm, for this time of year. I’ve had the thermostat set at 58 F all day and the heat hasn’t kicked once. Saving oil! It’s been chilly, I’ve had the electric heater on in Silas’ room, but quite low, and it’s been comfy (with 3 sweat-shirts on). But NO OIL USE! OK! – I’m exhausted. I need a shower. The dishes are done. The kitchen is in order. I’ll shower before bed tonight. Then hope for a good night’s sleep. I’m alone again. It’s like having this place to my-self. I’m used to being alone. But I keep thinking of how it must have been for Silas when I was keeping to myself or working over-nights. He even mentioned it yesterday when I joked about being “the old man in the attic”. He said: “That”s how you were! And it always bothered me. In fact, when you put the pans up on the kitchen wall I was happy. It was the first time you did something to make this ‘yours’ as well.” Odd… I was being “me” and I was trying to give him a place he could call “His”… Just goes to show… I’ve been like that all my life. He’s the first to comment on in… honestly. – Well… the pain in the left hand is up the left arm and I think I should shower and get ready to call it quits on this day. If the weather permits, tomorrow, if Silas comes by, I’ll catch a ride with him into Jericho, get to the PO there, either hitch into BTV for the bus to St.A. (and hitch the 30 miles back here) or try my luck at hitching all the way back here. If the weather isn’t all that great, I’ll wait until Thurs. when it’s supposed to be clear… and a bit cooler. No matter…

Wed.5.Déc: 2.32 It’s pouring down with rain. 17C in the room. I planned to be in bed at 22.00… last night. I think I unconsciously wait for Silas to return. How strange, when I know he’s better sleeping there, at his mothers’. Me? I’d have to make the trip back each evening. That’s a reason why I didn’t go for the job at TeddyBear… the buses don’t connect and I’d have to walk or hitch the 30miles from bus to house every evening. I need a car. – I didn’t shower as planned. Today I must. – The boiler didn’t kick all day! How wonderful! May it hold through the week. Thermostat set at 58F. But it’s only just damp. The little heater will take care of that whilst I sleep. – I’ve begun taking a tote down-stairs daily. Papers, iPod, &c. But oddly, I’m using the entire house of late. I even make coffee in the kitchen. – And one more item before sleep: On Twtr I notice how people will take-up collections for others in need… but not once has anybody doing so for me. – 8.20 RAIN! Pouring. 7C says the weather. Today’s high. Tonight’s low, -7… and snow. Tomorrow’s high, 1C. But clear. It’s chilly in the house, and I hope it stays “chilly”… and nothing more (or less) than that. 3 days of no oil use would be great. I’m leaving the thermostat at 58F. Let’s see… lettuce prey. – And… we’re off, in greater search of? Attorneys! (Tomorrow, we’re off… a trip to Jericho… for… the mail, and a quite-the-hike in return.) – Continuing at 1.31 on Thursday morning as I just now get into bed… I’m back to iPod tapping tonight. Silas is home. But it’s nice to have him back. Imagine that… nice to have him back. – It was a fascinating day, and one that was strange for me. I’ve become so adjusted to being the only one in the house all day. Silas stopped by this morning to grab a bite to eat as usual and was off again. He mentioned that the temperature was dropping quite rapidly. Yes, I could feel it as the house got colder. But, since I was alone, the thermostat stayed until… Round noon, Silas returned. Work was done. He came into his room where I’d been doing research and such on the computer, and he announced that he’d called out for his shift tonight! He truly is beat! We sat, talked, he played a video game and suddenly decided to cook. The chicken in the fridge went first and as he cooked that, he decided to make tuna hot- dish for dinner tonight. Why he has to cook… well, he truly enjoys it. Of course, every pot, pan and dish gets used, but you know? Tonight he said, again: You’re amazing with how clean you keep this place!” Yes, I am, but I’m more appreciative of the fact that he notices! and is grateful. Hey! It’s been taken for granted for so long. I’ve taken care of other people’s houses for years, even my own when shared, and seldom-to-never has any-one ever said “I notice.” It was extremely kind of Silas. And it makes the effort that much easier. – Oh! The news for this evening: I went down to the cellar to check the oil (DOWN DOWN DOWN!!!!!) and what greets me when I got to the “boiler room”? WATER WATER EVERY-WHERE! There’s a FLOOD down there! I don’t know how long it’s been going on or where it comes from (and I don’t really much care) but there’s water almost all over the floor! SO! Don-boy! Looks like there IS a “leak” some-where… You were down there the other day. You didn’t notice? Fine! Just don’t dare to come round looking for more money and blaming US for the extra water usage. I’m prepped now baby! Anyway, I called Silas to come down to look. His first words were “I’ll call Don.” Oh no! I told him to leave it and I’ll check to see if it gets any worse. – So, after a bit of snacking and eating and such, Silas and I settle in for a bit of movie-watching. Poor Silas was so damned tired from all the working he’s been doing that he started to doze. So I told him to take a nap… and he did… for about an hour. When he woke, he headed into the kitchen… hungry. A “tuna hot-dish” (he calls it “casserole” but even when he bakes it, it resembles a “hot-fish” more than a casserole. Still, it was DELICIOUS! And we ATE! – Back to the movie with foor this evening and in the middle of it I hear a thumping in the kitchen! So I get up to go see: Hilary! Imagine this: She just walks in (when Silas is here… and certainly NOT when I’m here alone… first of all, I close and lock the back door… fuk her and the rest of them), goes right for the refrigerator AND TAKES AN EGG! It’s not that I would deny her food… BUT I DO INSIST THAT PEOPLE ASK! The food in the fridge belongs to both Silas and I, but there are things in there the I happen to get for me because I happen to like them. I most certainly do NOT appreciate somebody (who doesn’t like me in the first place) waltzing in and TAKING! Well!!! I just let it ride. I swallow a LOT when it comes to Hilary. Then we got into a bit of a conversation, Hilary and I, in the kitchen. I asked her if she thought we were both on the same hot water. She claims we’re not… that we have the larger (and older) water heater. I told her about the flood in the basement and Don coming by complaining about high water use. She recommended I call Don. *I*? *I* think NOT! I mentioned the faucet in the kitchen… it never has opened enough to get to washing dishes properly. Again… the recommendation to call Don. Like I trust him. And I told her that I don’t. I expect it to get back to him… I await his arrival. Especially after suggesting that I be thrown out of here! Shit! I haven’t even un-packed since Silas’ tantrum of a month or so ago. I’m living out of boxes, with the absolute minimum in my room and HE has the audacity to suggest that I get thrown out? I maintain this place. Little does he know. I clean, I repair the things that get broken, I shoveled the damned drive. And *I* should be the one to leave? Right! Indeed! But if I keep on this topic, I’ll just piss me off so… moving right along… – It was a peaceful night together with Silas. He’s gone quite different in recent days (but then again, he’s been taking his meds too. Just sayin’). We got int a bit of a “talk” tonight and in the midst of it, he very seriously looked at me and said: “You’ve done more for me than my parents ever did. My father was disappointed that I was born a freak, imperfect. My mother always had her psychological problems.” It was a delight to hear that. And I appreciate it more than he knows… especially because he notices that I put a lot into trying to help him in every way I can. After all, the facts are, I won’t be around for forever. And his parents? All of them? Even tonight I get the assurance that they’re worthless. – Anyway, we watched the movie until he finally fell right off to sleep. It was rather late… about 24.30 when I got into the kitchen to do the dishes. So… today ran into tomorrow and…

Thu.6.Déc: 1.48 The kitchen is great. Dishes washed and put up. And my eyes burn. The heat came on! NO! – (-2C at 1.50) – 24.23 Finally in bed! (-2 again tonight.) – .Slow start to the morn at 7.30. Silas is working in town and the PO today so I have the day alone… again. First think this morning I tried to get to a bit of art work. I want to change the framed Kanji “Death” and so I looked for Kanji “Life”… what I found was FASCINATING! My INITIALS in Kanji mean “Eternal”! imagine that! (I HOPE LIKE HELL it DOESN’T MEAN THAT I’LL BE HERE ETERNALLY!). Now I HAVE to work with THAT! – I got me together a bit and the next thing I knew… Silas came in. It was about noon already! He ate and as he at he asked me if I’d like a ride to the post office in Jericho (I NEED to check the box, see if any paper-work came from the attorney… I NEED the disposition!) Of course, I hesitated but I did appreciate the offer. He even offered to drive me back to the house! And he had to be in Shelburne tonight! I was SO APPRECIATIVE! I have to note: It’s interesting: Each time we’ve driven down to Jericho, we get to the turn by Mills River Park and I get the same sour stomach, the same burning fatigue feeling that I lived with all the while I was there. It just washes over me as if I’m tired, hungry, burning eyes… the works. I’m really getting so old that things have made them-selves an actual part of my Being. Strange. HORRIBLE AS ALL HELL! But interesting. – At the PO? NO FUKKING BLOODY DISPOSITION! It was a trip for nothing and it cost Silas a TON of money in gas! – Still he did have to go into S.BTV to return the rental (Jeep) and get his car back. So the trip wasn’t for absolutely nothing. And I did come in handy: We went and got his car and then had to get to the rental place. I got to drive his car! following him to… the AIRPORT! OH MY SHIT! As I drove past the entrance to the terminal, it hit me! It’s been just over a year from the day I first arrived there, knowing NOTHING about this place, this state. Waited for a person I’d never met. Had just enough money to get a ticket back to NYC. And there I was… then… and now! It felt rather strange to know where I was, how to get there and get away from there. A year ago.. I was completely dumb and blind. A year later? I’m just hateful. Hahaha. (I’m certainly not “hateful”… BITTER? Yes. But certainly not “hateful”.) – Well! What followed? We left S.BTV I plenty of time to get to the house and for him to leave and get to TeddyBear this evening but… En route North, he suddenly tells me that he’s going to drop me in St.A. to get the bus! There was plenty of time to get to the house but… What could I say? I said nothing, just went directly for the schedules. I figured I’d look, knowing I’d have a wait in the cold (on a sunny evening though) and I’d hitch. But then he said he was going to KFC! Time for KFC but NOT to get me back to the house? I sucked it in, said nothing. Just looked at the brochures/schedules. And so we went to KFC. He asked me what I wanted. I said “The bath-room”. I had to pee and especially since I was about to walk 30 miles. So I went. Then said that I had to go to the banque across the parking lot. And so I went to find… NO ATM! I was out of it at this point. So when I got into the car, I told him to drop me at the 105 so I could hitch. He asked why. I told him: I could stand in St.A. for an hour and wait for a bus or… I could use that hour and get a lift, or be that much closer to home. I wasn’t angry any more. Just wanted to get back home. He suddenly said: “I’m NOT going to let you hitch!” And then he pulled into the gas station in Sheldon and called-out from work tonight! Immediately he started to tell that he loves the job but the money is only paying for gas and 60$ extra. He didn’t sound good at all, congested, nasal, tired. He hasn’t been feeling too well these days to begin with and he runs himself down. Me? I’m used to all that crap. But he’s certainly not. And truthfully? There’s a big part of me that feels that he shouldn’t have to get used to it. Well, he did. He drove me home. En route we talked about more about him. His parents. His father. He really didn’t have it easy as a kid. And, quite honestly, I believe more and more that his father keeps in touch with him now because all the “work” of a child is done, his mother makes with the “good parent” shit because she knows she doesn’t have to DO much for him. Me? I’m here. I’ll do what I can. He even mentioned Don and compare him to Fran: a shit-talker. Well, he knows better than I. And he mentioned the “kicking me out” topic again and said that he told Don that he’s not the kind of people who just do that… especially not to throw somebody out in the cold weather! (We shall see… when the next tantrum hits, meanwhile, we appreciate the sentiment.) – It was a GREAT evening together. It really is nice to have Silas in the house. He baked more cookies (all over the kitchen). We ate left-overs again. He kept looking for Hilary to come home. Said there was a programme they were supposed to watch. I offered to watch with him but he skirted the issue. (She’s his friend… they’re closer in age and such. I understand.) – I got more music tonight whilst he “Video Gamed” for a while. Then we settled in to watch “Time Robbers” or something like that. It was really great, the two of us, in his room, heater on, warm, watching the computer/movie, comfy. But at about 23.00 he actually fell asleep. When he woke moments later he was so tired he said he needed to get to sleep. I understood, put out the lights and went into the kitchen to clean the dishes and such. He’s going to work the PO and Teddy tomorrow… poor kid!

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Fri.7.Déc: It was about 1.30 when I finally got up to bed. Again, a night when I was planning on a reasonable hour. But it was all worth the lateness. – The dishes are done, kitchen neat and clean. I’m FRIGHTFULLY NERVOUS ABOUT OIL! I don’t let the boiler kick when I’m alone, but I’m using the electric heaters to compensate. Silas comes in and turns the thermostat up, oblivious to the oil situation. I worry about being here with-out heat. But, we do have the electric heaters (and a HUGE ELECTRIC BILL COMING!). Still, better than NOTHING! – A note: this is 4 days of no shower. And I keep my sleep-sweats on day and night now. I’m going back to the North Country! It’s funny, amusing, ironic, strange… disgusting. But I did ask Silas if I’ve a foul odour… he said I don’t . I’ve been so clean for so long that my body is naturally this way. Well… end of another day. – 8.20 Some-how, I slept through the 7.00 alarm. Woke at 8.00, jumped out of bed, and as I was getting dressed to put the garbage out, heard Silas down-stairs… putting the garbage out. And, I’m feeling terrible that he had to do that. My thought is: I take care of the house these days whilst he goes to work. I’ve missed this morning’s responsibility. That lead into an all-out anxiety attack involving my own work situation. Then the heat came up and that wrenched my gut because of the oil situation. And I had to sit on the floor, rocking, until I finally shook the whole thing out of my head. Ah… happy Friday. – 21.07 Christmas music on the web/radio! I was doing so well so far, avoiding it all! Oh well. Can’t win all the time. – Just getting to the computer to catch up with the past couple of days. Silas has been home and I haven’t been able to get to the computer to do this. I had all day, but I got involved with the “responsible” papers and shit. So… Up to the previous days to fill in the blanks. Silas works in Shelburne tonight until 23.00. I have a bit of time. (Now… to stay awake!) – OK! 23.08 Silas is just getting out of work. I need to wrap this up. He said he’ll be back here tonight. – Had a lovely communiqué with Nanc tonight! I LUV “chatting” with her!It’s brief. But I look forward to it! Truly. – And I heard from Mooch tonight too! I DO worry about him. We’ve kind of been “Homeless” friends from my beginnings. I still worry about those guys… and I wonder where they are and how they’re doing. Nanc got be crying tonight. She reminded me about Denis, from the very first days in the shelter! Good Kriste! It’ll never stop, never go away. When I went up for a quick smoke I thought of how much it’s a part of me now… the Homeless days. They won’t ever go away. Never stop. I’ve been permanently changed… I won’t ever stop, go back, be “not Homeless”. – But tonight I SHOWERED! SHOWERED! I’M CLEAN! AND SO ARE MY CLOTHES! – In my closing comments on this day: I rang Chris at the attorney’s office and HAD TO ASK FOR A COPY OF THE DISPOSITION! “You want it?” OF COURSE YOU MORON! I NEED IT! AND I WANT IT! I gave him the house address. Let’s see IF it ever come! – And I think HISC is going to screw me when it comes to Unemployment benefits. I just have a feeling. – Last night I applied for 2 more jobs with the PO. It’s going to be an interesting “Re-start” after the bullshit from Dianne Olsen and Days Inn. (I’ve mentioned them!) (I’m in a very sour mood about all of this.) – 23.30 and I’ve a shit-load of music to covert and get on the iPod. I’ve been listening to CKOI all evening! I’m HOME-SICK! FUK! I WANT TO GO HOME! Québec! – I’ll post all of this now and add anything further in comments. I want to post this.

Sat.8.Déc: CHANUKAH. Before anything else today, I want to say that my sister didn’t deserve the Hell she got; it was unfair. But as Mum said “Life… is not ‘fair’.” And sister? I have NO sympathy for you. This too, reminds me of what you threw to the vultures… 50-plus years of my existence on earth. And with it? A chanukiah that was made for me. I hope you still have the one I brought you from Tel Aviv. May it serve its purpose well. – Sat.8.Déc: 1.44 Again, just getting into bed. I was trying to get a few more tunes for the iPod, but the down-load prgm kept crashing. Then, at about 0.45, Silas drove up so I ditched my efforts and went to the kitchen to wash the dishes. He’s tired, looks it too. But he was going to make cookies when he got in. Gladly, he didn’t. Went to bed. Meanwhile, I did wash the dishes… and came up-stairs. Here, I got much paper-work filed away and received a voice message from Abby-HISC. From what she said, there’ll be “no more shifts until we re-group”. I’ve a feeling they’re fukking me over on unemployment because I’m up here now. There’s a notice from unemployment yesterday. A phone conference on the 13th (I probably won’t have phone service tonight… can’t pay the bill) on “Able & Available”. I’m angry right now. It’s to be expected though… from HISC… and VT. – Good thing I’m looking at jobs at the PO. And today I’ll take a stroll up to the border to see what my status is up there. – Another note: Tonight, I was having a smoke in the loo, fan on, thinking how it reminds me of the Shelter when, nightly, we’d congregate in the loo for a smoke, or sit on the toilet, waving our smoke away. Little has changed. Little has changed. Even now, tapping these words, as I lay on a cot. Little has changed. – Now? Lights out. Time for a nap. It’s 1.57 and I want to be up by 7.30. Why? I don’t know. – (1.48 on Sunday) Into bed after a really pleasant day! (Although, as of tonight I’ve no phone service and won’t until the first unemployment cheque comes in… and that won’t happen until next week some time, if HISC doesn’t screw me out of that. Terrible: that bloody call is scheduled for Thursday! Oh well… FukMe again and again and again.) Still… Silas was home most of the day. For the most part, he worked on his lap-top. Me? My accomplishments included darning my “house socks” (a nice job at it too), and I “moved back in” a bit by putting my work-desk back in my room. (Silas tells: he paid the rent for Dec. and tried to pay the ridiculous and illegal “late charge”; Don/Connie refused to accept the late fee! Says he, they said “No! You’re trying to get back on your feet.” or something of that nature. Meanwhile, I still don’t trust either of them.) But, the work-desk is back and tomorrow (Sunday) I just might “move back in” and take things back out of boxes and luggage. Hey! The 21st is approaching. What the fuk should I care? Eh? – This afternoon, Silas made another tuna-pasta dish and then we went to the market… he wanted to replace the cheese cake he’d eaten and the half’n’half. So sweet of him… “replace” food. I hope he knows I’d never expect, let alone “think” of such a thing. I can survive on precious little. He’s hauling mail, in the cold! He needs to eat. Anyway… I went to market with him. Got me out of the house. I did not shop (no cash & no food-stamps) but we had fun. – The evening?All night we were in his room, he on lap-top, me down-loading music! Hours spent together. And it was a joy. Poor kid was so cold in here! He’s not used to the chill in this house. He sat with multiple layers on, not complaining. (Earlier, he’d gone to check the oil. Says it’s ,25/tank… I know that’s about 2,5days’ worth. After that…) When he turned the thermostat up to 63F I almost roasted. So strange, I’ve adjusted and adapted to the cold in the house. Part of me feels god-awful seeing him so cold. Another part says it’s good he learn. Well? Well. – And so went the day. Good having Silas “at home”. Tomorrow… dishes to wash; I rinsed them, put them in the machine. Too tired now. Tomorrow…

Sun.9.Déc: 10.10 Yup… no mo’ phone. They’re very quick to cut service and yet, I go so often with-out because of the lousy coverage and no recompense. Fukarses. Alas.. something to anguish o’er this, the first day of Chanukah. Really? Who the bloodyfuk cares? More important issues are about. – Silas woke and left moments ago. Off to mommies’… Christmas tree shopping. Good for him! I’m glad he’ll have Christmas… there. Hopefully he’ll spend a few days with the mommies for it. There’ll be none here… unfortunately. Meanwhile today… meanwhile. – 19.50 Silas left to got to his mommies’ this morning and I’ve had the house alone again today. But today is very different from other days. – I spent quite a bit of time working on a piece of art-work for him, a Japanese piece that he actually asked me to make for him. It’s a pleasure, really. Kept me rather busy. A bit of water-colour and ink on velum. I’m putting quite a bit into it. Then, I went in search of a few songs that mysteriously disappeared from the iPod only to find that they’re irretrievable. Seems they’ve been removed from every-where. Imagine that! Anyway, that started the decline in mood and mentality. It shouldn’t have, but all things came together because of this. Isn’t that the way it goes? – I couldn’t pay the phone bill this month, so the phone is now off. It suddenly occurred to me that I have to have phone service on Thursday this week for a phone interview for Unemployment! With less than 20$ in the banque and less than a quarter tank of gas in the car (and same in oil for heat), the phone is not going to get paid. Well, this afternoon, I checked to see if there was some way I could make some kind of fudge-payment on it to get it back… WELL! Not only is the service gone, the phone is de-activated and the number is no longer mine! That means I have to re-establish service and get another number! The anxieties mount. Funny, but when I had service, I didn’t want the damned phone to ring. Now? It won’t. I have to contact HISC this week. Not happening. I have to contact a bunch of agencies for assistance this week. Not happening. If the oil goes down, I can’t even call for emergency help after hours. There are no pay-phones in town. Imagine that! SO! – It suddenly struck me to wonder if Silas would be coming back tonight. He didn’t say one way or another. So I went to his room to look to see if his over-night bags and lap-top were here. If not, that meant he’d be staying at his moms’. All gone. He won’t be back tonight. I’m alone, no phone, no connection to the out-side world except Internet. It’s a very strange feeling tonight. And the anxieties are intense right about now. I shouldn’t be so affected by all this. I mean, I’ve been through this before. I had the house in Roosa Gap with no phone (before the days of cell phones and such). I was up on a mountain some 3 miles from the nearest store or anything of the sort. I was on a mountain, in the woods. I was fine… then. Tonight, it just feels frighteningly over-whelming for some reason. The silliest part is: Hilary is home. She’s right here in the house. She has a cell phone. But I don’t feel all that comfortable to be able to thing that I could rely on her, even in an emergency. Imagine that. Imagine that? Imagine that. – Tonight, for “dinner”, I took the left-over bread, put it into a bowl of milk with 2 eggs beaten into it, a little brown sugar and heated it up. Bread pudding of sorts. It was filling. It was hot. It was OK. And I sat to watch “Life After People” on the History Channel videos on the Internet. It distracted. But the house tonight FEELS empty… too quiet… too alone. It’s all very odd. I don’t know why this is getting to me tonight. But it is. Just very heavy all round. – I noticed something today: for the past week or two, my fingers, especially on the left hand have been tingly/painful. I kept thinking it’s because I must have been sleep on the arm the wrong way. But today I noticed that, last night, when we had the heat up and it was warm, the pain was gone. Hmmm… I wonder now: is it because of too much cold? I mean, as a rule, I keep the thermostat down to 58F when I’m here alone. I keep moving so I don’t feel so cold. But my hands are exposed and, lets face it, 58F isn’t exactly the greatest temperature to be in for a long period of time (I’ve just kicked the boiler up for a bit. It’s been a steady 58F for most of the day. I’m going to try for a 65f for a bit before going to bed… soon). – Oh, the things that come to mind. – Well, there are dishes to be done and the boiler just stopped (20.07) so I’m off to the kitchen to move about and clean up. Let’s see if that doesn’t take away some of the anxiety for a bit. 21.35 Dishes are… IN THE DISH-WASHER! I’M NOT IN THE FUKKING MOOD! But the kitchen is immaculate (of course). The thermostat’s on 58F and the electric heater is in the living-room for the night. I’m not in the fukking mood! What I shall do now? Work a bit more on Silas’ piece. Then… to bed. There’s much to be accomplished tomorrow and an early start is needed. – Got an e-mail off to Nancy tonight! Just those few moments composing it made all the difference in the world to me. It’s a bit like being able to “talk” with her. And, oddly? It IS SO MUCH like talking with a Best Friend of a Life-time. She’s there. She’s the only adult communication I have. (Sad, I shouldn’t say that, but it’s true…) I don’t expect or hope for or even think about “resolutions” on any of my troubles when I tell her… any more than I expect them when I put these notes on this journal. It means ALL in the WORLD to me to just be able to get this out of my “self” when I post to this Journal. But when I can post to Nancy, it puts everything into perspective. It’s just such a RELIEF knowing that somebody understands! And there’s nothing more I could hope for than that! (And I don’t say this just because she’ll read it… It’s actually the fact!) – And so, I have to get a memo off to Schmulik before heading up the stairs. It’s Chanukah… I’d send a note/e-mail to Moe and Ev, but I still feel they’re a bit on the angry side that I left them and haven’t come to… You know? Tomorrow I’ll send … can’t call. – So this day is done. Janis Ian on the iPod “Lover’s Lullaby”. (Hey! Apple didn’t manage to swipe that from me!) – 20.05 And here we go again! Staying up past the time I wanted to be in bed! But… I GOT AN E-MAIL OFF TO MOTEK! Sweet-heart. I HOPE with everything I am and have that he’s OK. – Now… up-stairs with Bonzo
(A little note, found on 13 Jan.2013: “When I think of where I’ve been, what I’ve been through: violent youth environment, the repeated attempts to kill me (by my own father), the solitude, sleeping on Drury, accusations, allegations, being told by my own Mother “You have to leave or he’ll kill you one of these days.”, living under a tree, the Shelter…”

Mon.10.Déc: 8.13 Notes from the loo. – Awake. Why? (Wrong question. Sorry Rabbi Lewis.) A strange event begins this morning as it ended at the beginning. Last night I promised me that I’d be in bed by 22.00. I wasn’t. Not strange, that. But by about 23.00 I was. In bed… reading: “Monsters of Templeton” (thank you Nancy!). (Vivienne Upton – Not to be confused with Liz Upton, mother of John “Jiffy” Upton who told my Mum that I wasn’t “good enough” to attend St. Pat’s elementary in 2nd grade, then moved from Newburgh to Albuquerque, making that the first time in my life I heard that word… but I digress – born 1955! Imagine!) So, I got a bit hungry (or “peckish” as John Maughn’s Irish brogued father put it when I returned to the house that on day to quickly wash my shit-soaked jeans in the bath-room basin having emptied the contents of my bowels there-in on the streets of Parkchester and had to walk all the way back to Eastchester with my sweat-shirt tied round my waist so no one could see) round mid-night. So, down-stairs to the kitchen I toddled… Turned the stair light on, passed through the living-room into the dining room where I put the light on, into the kitchen where another light went on. I’ve NEVER put lights on to navigate this house! Snack? A chunk of white cheddar cheese (I don’t care for cheddar) and a slice of cheese cake on a saucer. I left the knife on the counter and navigated back up-stairs, turning lights off as I went along. – Lights on. Cheddar cheese. Snack in bed… And, when snack was done, HAD A CIGARETTE… IN BED! as I read! – NONE of this was “normal” for me… not since I last lived in The Bronx! How very odd, indeed. – All lights went out at about 1.00 this morning. Still earlier than my “usual”. – This morning… again… no alarm! I woke, how-ever, at about 7.00. The world is wet. Skies are oppressively grey. The wind is so strong that the house is thumping. A miserable storm is forecast to hammer “Southern Québec” (but no mention of “Northern Vermont”… I’m guessing it won’t be able to get across the border… Customs clearance?) and yes, I do believe it’s crossed-over (or under). And no phone. Good morning. Happy Monday. – A reply from Motek though, via e-mail, short and sweet. And now, at 8.52, I’m ever so amazed and curious: the house is comparatively WARM this morning! Heater in wash-room, living-room, my room. The house is rather “comfy-cool”. – Monday. Fukkit. – (Tue.morn) It turned into a “day of interest”. I got right to work on the piece of art that Silas asked me to do for him. I’m putting a lot more than just a drawing into this. Research. Art work. Water-colours. 2 layers of velum. A gift… I’m excited about it too. It’s been too long a while since I had the compulsion to create anything… all told with these past 4-plus months. It was enjoyable… ENJOYABLE! – Whilst waiting for the paint to dry, I headed down-stairs to the computer to do some more research on the attorneys and the laws for MY court case. WOW! The info I found on the average awards! Yes, if never before, I’m inspired and raring to get to this! There’s much I’ve lost because of this shit! And SO much MORE I intent to recoup. – It must have been round 14.00 when Silas came in… speechless… crying… he went to the utility room and stood there… crying. He’d had a bit of an accident with the PO vehicle… ran into a gully. Had to call the office and the PM sent the PMR and somebody else to help get him out. Says he, the PM is pissed and made some kind of remark about having to “consider” his employment during the coming week. He’s terrified that he’ll get sacked. Truth? He has this cock-sure attitude about so many things and he was, like when he had the accident with the car, in all likelihood, not paying attention and being his usual snarky self. But this REALLY got to him! I haven;t seen him in tears since the Summer past! I tried to console him, but I don’t believe it did any good. He went into some sort of tirade about being sacked, calling the other offices, looking for other work… I advised him to just let it go. It happened. No doubt, the folks at the office will go home tonight and have a good laugh about it. But… Silas being Silas… he asked for a hug and then left. No word about when/if he’ll be coming back. Usual. – I went back to the painting for a few hours and then, this evening, came back down-stairs to watch a History Channel video on “Nostradamus” whilst I ate what-ever I could throw together from the fridge. There’s food in there that’s been cooked and left. Soon, it’ll go to the garbage. I can’t have that. – After the video I hit the computer again… TONIGHT I WAS DETERMINED TO FIND MY “TROIS ACCORDS” AND… IT TOOK HOURS! AND I MEAN “HOURS!” BUT AT LAST! Not only “Sur le bord du lac” but the entire LP! And so I HAVE IT AGAIN! I ALMOST CRIED! (Copies of all the files were made and scattered all about. There’ll be NO snatching this from me again! FUK!) – And so, this brings us back to the beginning of this entry and the fact that it was about 3.00 this morning when I finally put the light out and forced my-self to pass out into sleep. The insomnia is back, in full swing. I’ll break down soon… if I’m at all lucky.

Tue.11.Dec: 8.03 I didn’t get to sleep until 3.00 this morning. And then, was awake most of the night with godawful coughing fits. The 7.30 alarm didn’t sound this morning, but Hilary-in-boots, sounding as if she was parading across my bed-room floor certainly did the trick. – I have to figure what’s wrong with the alarm. I can’t have this thing not working and not waking me. There will be days when I MUST wake on time and this is not going to float! – It was a rather slow start to the morning but I got to the art-work for Silas. I cut the velum sheets down to size and needed a mat of some kind… HAY! A Postal box! It was a bit of work but I managed to remove the “cover” with all the print on it from the back and VOILA! A mat! Corrugated cardboard… rather rustic but be-fitting the over-all piece. Hand-cut! I haven’t put this much effort into a piece in… truly? YEARS! But OH! I’m happy I did… in spite of what came right after I cleaned the bed-side table in Silas’ room and put the framed piece there for him when (if) he comes back… – I put the names on the mail-box this morning as well… taped a bit of heavy-guage plastic on the box and slipped a bit of paper on which I’d printed both our family names… his first… alphabetical order. Nancy’s parcel didn’t come today… but one for Hilary did! I’m pissed! Tomorrow I’m going to bitch to the PMG! WTF? I don’t much give a shit about anybody in that PO anyway and Silas isn’t the one who handles the parcels for this route. So? So!…
* * * * * * * * * *
13.13 WELL! It’s been quite the morning and I’m just getting to the following e-mail:
At 8.24 this morning I sent:
Believe me, the PMs your calling are taking it as: you’re putting pressure on them. When you get to talk with them they’re not going to ask you to come work. You’re calling and talking yourself out of potential jobs now. They way they’ll see it is that you’re impulsive and impatient and that means trouble to/for them. Take my word: they’re your potential employers and not your friends.
Same goes for Christine. SAY NOTHING! I’m very serious. Go. Do what you’ve been doing. Say NOTHING about yesterdat. It happened. It’s done. Don’t “run it”. No apologies. No comments. Nothing. She’s not your BFF. She’s your “boss-lady” who can and will turn your time in with USPS to shit.
I’m just sayin’.
At 12.45 I received:
I explained Stacy and I don’t think I need to do so again. If you didn’t hear me, thats on you. I’m not buddy-buddy with her, but Stacy is interested in getting Christine out of there. The fact she brushed me off tells me that she’s pissed about Brenda and Alburgh.
The second half? What you’re saying to me right now is the equivilent of me turning around and saying “Dyann didn’t do that much to you, just leave it alone and walk away. You’re over reacting and being anxious.” – I’ll try my darndest not to be absolutely pissed right now. But thank you for making me feel alone, unsupported, and like I’m totally over-reacting right now.
At 12.48 I received:
ps. My apologies for inconveniencing you with my emotions yesterday. I know it was a lot to handle and that I was a mess from my experience. I let myself get open and comfortable and trusting; believe me won’t happen again.
* * * * * * * * * *
No matter what I do or say, this child is so completely wrapped in nothing more than his own self that I turn out to be the miserable shit, always trying to screw him over. I’ve taken the liberty of printing this out so that I can put it up some-where to remind me to simply STFU and let him wallow in his own Pity Party. I’ve had more than I can handle and much more than I should even bother with. He has parents… let THEM take the burden… and yes, I use the word “burden”. I’m sitting here, in this cold house, alone in the quiet, no phone, more responsibilities that I can imagine having. It was a good morning… in one respect, and now, in 2 respects, it just gets fukked. – Nancy’s parcel didn’t arrive again today. Tomorrow will make a week since she posted it. Tomorrow (or maybe even later today) a formal complaint goes out to the PMG and I get to turn our local PO up-side-down. (I’m feeling quite nasty right now and the world can simply rot.)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
HOWEVER! THE FINAL DISPOSITION PAPERS FROM THE COURTS ARRIVED! CASE DISMISSED. CASE CLOSED. ALL IS OVER, DONE, FINISHED.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Now I’ll take a stroll up to the border and see what comes of it. I need a walk anyway. Blow some of this anger out of my system. I might even shower for the occasion! Imagine that! Early this week. – I also finished the art-work for Silas. The Kanji… “God” or something like that. 2 sheeets of velum, water-colour and ink. I cut a mat from a box, using a corrugated effect. Personally, I like it. Used the only frame I have at present and set it on the little table beside his bed. (Yup… fukme…) – Otherwise? Really? WTF do I even care? I have things that I need to take care of and it’s time I did so… and never mind “Robin’s Boy”. The end. – Let’s see where this day will get to. It’s bitter cold in the house right now. But the sun is shining out-side. I could use a bit of a shower and something to eat. I’ll do that and head up the road to… HOME! – (22.00 I’m just catching-up with yesterday and today. Leaving the repetitions in where I’d already noted.) And to continue… – I printed the nasty e-mail from Silas and it’s now on my wall up-stairs as a reminder. But at 13.10 the following came:
* * * * * * * * * *
“Alright disregard what I just said. You’re trying to help. I get that. You’re worried that I’m going to fuck myself into a tighter spot. I appreciate it. And I am over-reacting, and I am anxious right now. I apologize for saying what I just did.”
and I replied:
“Think nothing of it. You put me in my place. Every day we should learn something new. Today I learned that the State of Vermont really doesn’t think of me as a common criminal, capable of taking what isn’t mine and I learned that no matter what I say or do, it will all end up right up my shit-hole until it shoves my lungs up into my ear canal. – Now to get me together and see what the US and Canadian governments can cork my bung-hole with today. But the sun is shining and it’s a delightful day for a casual stroll along the foot-hills of Vermont. The air is crisp, the sky is blue and there’s no ice on the roads… and I have documented proof that, in the eyes of the criminal courts of this State… I’m the same trust-worthy bastard I was when I left my Home-State. Life is grand.”
* * * * * * * * * *
I have no more patience with this shit. He’s not my kid, not my responsibility. He’s got TWO JOBS! I have none at this point. He’s got ANOTHER coming! He’s got a vehicle… can travel at will. Me? I’m pretty much stuck right where I am… freezing my frickin fingers off, conserving heating oil whilst he’s resting at his mommies’. Nope. Not happening. From now on, I keep my business to my-self and his to him-self. Period. – Other-wise…
(It’s a day of asterisks…)
Moving right along with the notes on this charming day:
I SHAVED! I SHOWERED! I BRUSHED MY TEETH! SHAMPOOED! LOTIONED! Dressed and headed up the Province Street to… THE BORDER! Quite crisp out there today. The sun was just over the horizon as I got to the corn-fields, shining on the top of Pinnacle Hill… and the snows up there. WOW!It was gorgeous! I didn’t even play any music as I walked along. I didn’t want to disturb any of the beauty and the quiet and the calm and the fact that I wasn’t in the house. I never noticed before but there’s a “monument” on the street: the 45th parallel… Exactly half the way between the Equator and the North Pole! But what REALLY GOT ME was the 2 obelisks AT THE border-line. It was SO COMFORTING AND CONSOLING AND WONDERFUL to see “CANADA”! and to know that I was, technically, IN QUEBEC as I strolled to the window of the border-crossing building. Approaching the little building was a bit un-nerving, but I told me: I have nothing to fear… I’m just going for legitimate cause: I WANT TO GO HOME! And so… along the road I toddled until I got there. I had to wait for a car… That was strange as I stood there, behind the line, waiting for the car to pass. When I approached the window, a man came out to greet me. And “greet” me he did. They’re just the most pleasant folks on that border.I told him what I was there for and he invited me to go inside and have a seat. Meanwhile, a M. Tremblay came to the desk and I told him of my epic. He took my passport, bade me have a seat and went directly at it… computer, phone… the works. It must have been a very healthy (and pregnant) hour when he came back to the desk. I’d been listening to him talk with some-one on the phone… HOW WONDERFUL TO HEAR FRENCH AGAIN! I THOUGHT I’D NEVER HEAR IT AGAIN UNTIL MOMENTS BEFORE I DIED! So as it goes, he FAXED the court documents to Ottawa and probably Québec! Says my name shouldn’t come up for anything any more but, just to be on the safe side, I should carry the court decision for a bit. I WANTED TO SOB UN-ASHEMEDLY! It’s rather strange but I’ve always felt closer to the Canadian customs people than the US and today? Well… I felt like I’d been to visit FAMILY! I CAN GO HOME! AGAIN! HOME! – When I got back tot he US border, as is typical, they “welcomed” me with coldness, crudeness and general “fukyouforbotheringme”. Ah… but I knew I was back! I had to tell the idiot-woman why I was only at the Customs and she checked the passport. When she said I could pass I asked her if everything was alright. “I can’t tell you that. But I’m letting you in. I can’t stop you from coming in. You’re a US citizen. But you’re not wanted by the police.” (Oh thank you Mistress… ugly shit!) Still… strolling back down past the corn-fields, the sun had set, it was ever so crisp! And I sang… I SANG! “Sur le bord du lac”… aloud! I looked over at Richford, at Vermont, at the US… disgust! I turned to look behind me at the rolling hills of HOME and sighed when I thought: I CAN GO HOME AGAIN! and the walk was incredibly pleasant… in the crisp bight of the cold. – The house felt uncomfortably warm when I came in. I’m adjusting to the cold in the house and out-side. (NORTHERNER!) – I brought Hilary’s parcel to her. We chatted. She knows about Silas and his mood swings and shit. She’s learned to just let them pass. I’m thankful that she’s aware of the fact that I’m neither hateful of her nor to be hated. – Came back into the house and threw some left-overs into a bowl, micro. A video from History Channel. By the time I finished, it was 17.57! I didn’t check to see what time I’d left… didn’t care. But there it was and there I was and the day was done. – I went back to finish the video… but went up-stairs to get some blankets. Tonight it’s almost bitter in this house! And so, I dozed for a while. – 20.00 and on-line with Nancy… as I catch-up with this and search and listen to Les Trois Accords. I even got to send her a copy of “Sur le bord du lac”! – 22.00 I have the heat up to get the damned chill (COLD) out of the house before heading up to bed. There’s probably about a quart of oil in the tank. I’m SO SCREWED! And all I do is SAVE the oil for when Silas gets back. (That and the fact that I don’t want the tank to be completely empty.) This is the first time in 3 days that I’ve put the heat up! I’m very proud of me. Although, I wonder about my fingers. The tips are rather painful. My shoulders are starting to bother me and the coughs at night. Shit. Maybe I’ll be a statistic. Who the HELL cares? I CAN GO HOME! – 23.07 and sign-off from Twitter. Tonight I’ll try to get to bed… sleep… at a civil hour… TRY! I’ll post this much now.

Wed.12.Dec: Filling-in the blanks, as it were, on Thursday morning. This was an almost wasted day of nothing accomplished. No. I didn’t just lay about doing nothing. But nothing I did seems worth the getting out of bed. – I managed to make it through the entire day with-out using any heating oil. Had the electric heater under the thermostat all day. It registered about 61F but the thermometre in Silas’ room held at 57F which was closer to the truth. And it was a COLD 57F! I wonder why I put my-self through this: saving the oil for when he gets here. Not to mention, the electric bill is going to be UNBELIEVABLY HIGH! Still, I know there isn’t enough money to get more oil right now… and when the electric bill comes, there’ll be ALL sorts of drama… and NO listening to me when I say: Pay part! (I know this to be true because it’s the way it is all the time round here. Ah well… story of Life: Fukked if you DO and Fukked if you don’t. So WTF why bother thinking about it. – So… along with the usual business of any and every day thus far, I did more research into finding an attorney for these cases that I have coming up. (There too: everyone seems convinced that I have perfect grounds for perfect cases… BUT this is Vermont and NOT NY! I DON’T TRUST ANY ONE HERE… AND I MEAN I DO NOT TRUST ANY ONE HERE!) There are attorneys… I can’t call their offices. There’s the Attorney General. I don’t trust that one either. There’s no money for fees. I don’t know who takes “contingency”. And I can’t seem to keep my head focused long enough to produce any tangible thoughts. So, I take “breaks”… hunting more music to put on the iPod (it’s quite nice now… but I don’t really even bother to listen to it, which is another thing that sours my stomach about me and the way things are going). – More e-mails from Silas: the last and latest reads:
at 12.47:
* * * * * * * * * *
Mom just lectured me for 20 minutes on the art of STFU. I looked at her and said “You sound just like Jude.” and she retorted, “We’ve lived a long time, we know how this works.”
Never thought you two would have a commonality, but there it is…
Again I want to apologize for going off on your yesterday. And no, I wasn’t putting you in your place, I was being an asshole. …
I don’t feel safe in Richford. And when you said the things you did, my brain… being shattered from that conversation… can only see a line drawn in the sand. You’re on her side, or on mine. And thats not right. I need a moment to recollect myself and calm down. You’re not my enemy, I love you, and I know you’re trying to help. Forgive my harsh self-pitying words…
Also keep in mind that for Monday, I was in shock. I drove right off the road into nowhere… I stared at a mud puddle knowing that puddle could have been a tree or worse…
I need to do the one greatest thing you taught me to do: Just walk away, and remain silent.
* * * * * * * * * *
Interesting. This will come today and with-in moments, it will mean nothing. That’s the way it goes. And today, ti bugs the shit out of me! Oh well. My reply was only to clarify that I never suggested ‘walking away and remaining silent’. But he’ll have to learn, the way we all do. And I have no more time or patience to teach. – Nancy’s parcel still hasn’t arrived and so, I filed a formal complaint with the USPS. I’m really fed-right-the-fuk-up with them! If they mis-delivered, in a town this small, I’ll see somebody’s head roll down Main St. And if it’s simply mis-placed else-where, I’ll see somebody’s head roll some-where. Silas and Hilary receive their parcels! In fact, Silas-the-Destitute received a parcel just today… some “botanica” shit or another. (We DO have the money… for those things… whilst the house remains at just above freezing.) (I need to let that go!) – Then, when the mail arrived, the only thing was a note from Unemployment confirming that I won’t be getting any money this week pending the “interview” that is to take place tomorrow… by the phone I don’t have. Oh… but I did manage to get an e-mail through to the Unemployment Office… it took a HELL of a LOT of doing since the information they post on their “official” web-site is WRONG (go figure). But I got a reply! I should get to St.A. tomorrow and they’ll set me up with phone in the office there. JOLLY GOOD! Now! How the fuk will I get to St.A. tomorrow? (Ah… just when one thing goes, another stands right behind it to knock one on one’s face! WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER?!?!?!?) Still, it gives me an option and something more to ponder during the day. – And so the day went along, bouncing back and forth between moments of productivity and stupidity. More stupidity than much else, I’m afraid. – I did manage to get to eat: oatmeal, peanut-butter, a touch of maple syrup. That was “brunch”. Sticky and filling. And I watched a bit of the news on RDI… just to have another voice in the house (French, of course… It’s rather interesting that my brain functions in English at all lately.) – Got a brain-storm this evening: The kitchen is miserably bitter-cold and the little heater in the utility room does precious little to keep it warm back there… and, at one point, Hilary tried to simply walk into the house (as I was sitting in Silas’ room… I heard the screen door open and the knob on the inside door being tried! Fukking BALLS!). I was pre-occupied with that back door and suddenly, a thought: I have a couple of “panels” of canvas from back in the North Star days that I used for curtains. Heavy enough to keep the cold out… and provide a bit of privacy. SO! I now have to stitch a hem or something in, but there’s a cover over the window! Blinds on the rest of the windows to keep some of the cold out. And, believe it or not… it worked! NOW! If I could only get a couple of dollars and a trip to Loews for more canvas, I could have this place insulated in no time. I need about 5 of them (drop cloths really, and MUCH more economical than going out and buying the yard-goods). Anyway, the temperature difference from covering just that one window was remarkable. Not “toasty” but a hell of a lot better! – The evening progressed. “Dinner” was more left-overs (the end of the tuna hot-dish) and then… another slam in the face. – I checked the account at the banque. I’m 20$ shorter than I’d been thinking! Fukked again. But, being the stoic little soldier, out I went. 6$ into the account gave me enough to get 20$ out and left me with 2$. That’s it. No more. Hey! It’s not like I’ve never experienced this before. So…and… it’s better than over-drawn (so far). The walk wasn’t half bad either. It was warmer out there than it was in the house. And the fresh air was something I needed. – When it came time (about 20.30) to “settle-in” for the night, I hit Twtr. Nancy! Time with Nancy! She was watching a “121212 Concert” on-line… to benefit the recovery from storm Sandy. Well! Who can complain? I got to watch that WHILST communicating with Nancy! It was just like watching together… only not… but yes. It was delightful and amazing to watch… technologically. But every time they put up a video of NYC it broke my heart. Again tonight, I felt SO FAR from the comfort of what is, in all sensibilities, my “Home”. I missed NYC. I missed NY State. I had a really hard pang of “Home-sickness” tonight. It was painfully strong. I don’t want to go back there, but shit! That is/was my “Home” and I’ll never get over that. And it’s in ruins! And the World doesn’t give a shit… other than the people at this concert. And there were some very impressive names: Eddie Vedder (who reminded me that iTunes had stolen my copy of “Hide Your Love Away” and so I retrieved that! YAY! as I watched), Eric Clapton, the Doors, Who… and others. Very impressive list. But when Billy Joel came on it just broke me and so… that was my “finale” and I had to bow-out and head for the bed. – And that was this day… a waste of clean clothes and a few breaths of air. – The dishes are done and put up. The house is tidy. My “Life” is an existence not worthy of putting to the curb on trash day and my mind is crammed with… CHAOS.

FROM SCATTERED NOTES:

12.12.12 I will tell you this: I came here on your promise of a better “life”, to be in a place I could call “home” where I would have peace. I came here, un-packed, set-up a ROOM and began to call it ” home”. That was at the end of August. You came here, brought furniture, kitchen utensils, clothing, linens, computers… none of which I even had… nor have. You came here in a car that is yours, legal. Your mothers bought things for you: micro-wave, bed linens. You came here in a U-Haul. I came here in 4 trips in an illegal car. Your job is ,3mi down the street. My “job” was 65mi away. Then… only 2 months after I’d become “comfortable” here, happy and almost content… BANG! YOU throw ME OUT! I re-pack into small boxes and bags… and, as of this date (12.12.12), I’ve never returned to the feeling of “belonging” in… YOUR HOUSE, and never re-settled, and never will. * The difference between you and I is that I FIGHT my depressions and anxieties and aggressive moments, YOU impulsively react and act out. ***** 24.07 AGAIN! Late! And tired but sleepless. .Electric heaters on all day .Damn COLD all day! .emails fm Silas .Chomage says go to StA tomorrow .ate oatmeal – tuna thing .music to ipod .conf rec no pay this week .complaint to PO r/t Nancy’s pkg .SB recd pkg fm some latino co .tonite to banque (6 in 20 out 2 left!) .121212 concert (w/Nanc vis twtr .curtain on ktchn door (retain heat)

Thu.13.Dec: 7.14 What an absolutely miserable night last night. Just miserable. Lights out about 0.30 which was much later than I’d wanted to get to bed. But I was falling asleep as I read so I thought I’d try to just go to sleep. It wasn’t much later when I was awakened… by of all things, paper falling off the wall. The e-mail that I’d printed and taped to the wall fell. I heard it. It woke me with a start. So I wasn’t really asleep I suppose. Then, a few hours later, I had to get up to go to the bath-room. Unusual for me. I don’t usually have to do that in the night. That was followed by just waking up this morning at 6.59. Why? I had the alarm set for 7.30. Since I was awake, I just got out of bed, went to the bath-room as usual, came down-stairs to make a coffee and then went back up. – Not feeling at all well this morning. Light-headed. Generally just weak all over. Trying to decide whether or not to try taking the car into St.A. this morning. There isn’t enough gas to make the round trip. I don’t know if the tyres will hold for the trip. And there’s the issue of insurance, registration, inspection and all the rest of the shit that goes with it. It’s a 30mi trip. I should be there by 10.00. I’m thinking I should hitch. Leave now. Just hit the road and try hitching. This is a matter of income. And that’s something I need now. I’m down to about 2$ all told. And I can’t help but think of how Silas is whining about all his woes with work… two jobs and a place to stay expense-free (and much warmer than being here). It’s no good to compare. But I do. I wonder why I even think about it. – Right now, at 7.23 (and 57F in this house) I should be thinking about how to get to where I need to be in about 2 hours and how to get there, not this petty nonsense. I don’t know why I’m even typing this. But it just has to get out of my body… that’s the way I perceive it this morning… typing is getting it out of my body. – I’d take the damned car, but the thing that causes so much conflict this morning is the past 4 months of Hell. My record is clear again. I’ve gone through 2 tickets with that damned thing already. The inspection. The “You’re license is expired in VT because you’ve been here over 60 days” ticket. I paid the 99$ on the inspection ticket (there was no recourse and no way out of it… the facts were the facts) so that went away. The license matter… the Sheriff was sweet enough to dismiss that. Then came the charges of theft… 4 months of running back and forth to Burlington, and finally, that too got dismissed. I just can’t take the chance. I just have a gut sensation that Doug has done what Dianne did: SLAM-HAMMER me with charges that I won’t be able to leave behind. And I just don’t want to go through all the courts and shit again! I’ve finally gotten to where I can cross the border and get to HOME. Being stopped along the road in that car would probably end up with a REALLY heavy load of shit to bury me. I don’t know why I even care at this point. There’s a very large part of me that just says: Fukkit all. Get into the car and do what you can. What difference does it make at this point? None, really. Winter’s coming. Just cross the border, go HOME and don’t come back… one way or another. I just don’t know. And my head’s not clear enough to think about this all right now. I just don’t fee “right”… in body and mind. Just not “right” this morning. – 8.29 My stomach is growling to toss it’s entire content. My bowels are churning. My fingers are so cold that typing is next to impossible. THIS is NOT a good day to be alive (THIS is “ALIVE”?) Ah well… The house is empty. I’m alone. I’ve no idea if Silas is in town today and don’t much care, really. I must get on with the attorney-searching and such. And I MUST get what-ever it is in my guts, OUT! – (On Friday the 14th at 7.38) Shortly after I’d finished posting the previous entry, I felt I had no choice but to go back up-stairs and try for some sleep. It truly was miserable. My head felt detached from the rest of my body, my body just ached right down to the cellular structure. I was aware of my skin, and it was in pain. I couldn’t’ keep one clear thought long enough to even registre that there was a thought. I wanted to sleep. I couldn’t sleep. I just couldn’t think… couldn’t formulate a thought. So I went up at about 11.45, set an alarm for 13.00 and just laid down, fully clothed, under the blankets. Even under there, with slippers, 2 sweat-shirts and a jacket, I was cold. COLD! Painfully cold. I drifted off into a semi-sleep, and I dreamt. OH MY GOD! Horrible dreams! Miserable dreams! Confused dreams. I can only recall one of about 3: I was standing at the foot of the stairs, here, in the house, Silas was beside me, the living-room was rather dark, there was somebody sitting on the landing with a plate and a paint-brush. He wasn’t painting. Just sitting there. I looked up toward the landing and the walls were painted with some sort of psychedelic flower pattern, flowers painted in different shades of green. Hideous. Then, the pattern started to rotate down-wards, as if being projected onto the wall. It made me nauseous. I grabbed Silas’ arm and, almost crying, I asked “Who is he?” meaning the guy sitting there. Silas didn’t answer. he just looked at me as if I were crazy. Then, I pulled my-self closer to him and begged “Please tell me that the walls ARE moving! Please tell me that!” Again, he didn’t say anything. He just looked at the wall, then looked at me, puzzled. I thought: “This is it! I’m loosing my mind! I’m slipping away and there’s nobody out there who can stop this! Nobody can help me. I can’t stop this! It’s just going! I’m going!” I actually started to come out of the dream and out of sleep (this was the 3rd time this happened during my “nap” that the very same thing happened0 and I actually thought “I’m asleep! This is only a dream! The only way out of all of this is to wake up! It’s all happening again. WAKE UP! YOU JUST HAVE TO WAKE UP AND GET OUT OF THIS!!! WAKE…. UP….!!!” and I tried to wake but it was such an effort. Consciously, I was frightened. I was thinking that the dream was pulling me in, pulling me under, pulling me away and there was nothing I could do to stop it. In the dream, I leaned into Silas and started to sob, holding on to him and I said “If I don’t wake up you’ll have to just lose me, let me go. I can’t fight this anymore. I just can’t fight any of this anymore! I wish you could help me but you can’t. I have to get out of this and I have to do it alone. I’m sorry. I really am sorry.” and then the dream went black… I woke. It was 2 hours later… and there was the sound of heavy foot-steps in the living-room down-stairs. But I still couldn’t snap completely out of my fatigue. Truly… I couldn’t wake completely. I laid there wondering who was down-stairs, hoping it was Silas and just not being able to care one way or the other. It was almost 14.00 but I just didn’t care about that either. I drifted back into a miserably deep, heavy, hard sleep. Twice I heard Silas come up-stairs. He called my name. I couldn’t come out of the half-sleep. I just felt heavy. Weighted-down. Too heavy to move. Too heavy to wake up. I couldn’t (truly could not) respond to him. And in my mind the thought: I’m actually slipping out of mental existence. This is terrible! But even if I truly wanted to right now, I don’t have what I need to come out of it. Poor Silas. Maybe he’ll just go away and come back when this is all over. Maybe. I hope so. – It must have been just past 14.00 when I DID wake! I got up, out of the bed, started to get me together to come back down-stairs to return to the work of finding a damned lawyer and work on a lettre that I’ll have to send via e-mail to see it any of them will take my case to court. And I heard the front door open and Silas’ car start. He’d left… I went down-stairs. The front door was open! It’s difficult enough trying to keep this house at a reasonable temperature and he does THIS SHIT! I SLAMMED THE DOOR SHUT and went back up-stairs to get my things that I’d need down-stairs. And Silas returned. – He came into the bed-room and said “Give me a hug.” and handed me 60$… to get the phone turned back on. I thanked him but told him that it wouldn’t do me any good because I have to get the card… in Williston. He was pissed… not at me, at the fact. Asked if it could be done on-line. I said “Yes, but the last time we tried that, it didn’t work. Those shit-holes just don’t know WTF they’re doing.’ He remembered. I bade him sit down. I’d been in the loo and knew that I looked like complete shit! He asked if I’d been napping or if I’d been sleeping through the night there. I told him of the dream. Then I handed him the papers from the courts. He read them, sternly and when he’d finished reading he looked at me and said “Get your shoes on… WE’RE GOING FOR POUTINE!” And he was serious! I asked why. “BECAUSE YOU CAN NOW!” I had to wash my face and brush my teeth. I should have changed my clothes but didn’t want to take the time, and he had to leave again. So… – it took me a bit to get my mind back. I was still very much in a heavy stupour, not feeling exactly “together in mind and body” but I moved along. At one point, I stood at the desk in my room, Silas came in and looked at me. I was getting my kippa. He said “Oh just put on your hat and let’s go.” jokingly. I did, and headed down-stairs. – When I got to the living-room, Silas was opening the parcel that had come the other day. JERK seasoning! TWO jars of JERK seasoning! He told me that the last 2 times he’d gone to the little store in Burlington, they were closed, so he ordered it on-line! Imagine? Ordering something like that from a place in FLORIDA! I had to laugh. The very thought; in NYC it might have been a simple matter of a bus to a certain neighbourhood. Here, in this shit-hole State… it has to be ordered… on the frikkin Internet! Anyway… we were going… HOME! And off we went. – En route, I suggested he take some photos of the place where he’d had the “terrible accident” in the PO vehicle. He asked if I’d mind. OF COURSE NOT! And off we went… WOAH! His delivery route takes him onto one of Vermont’s dirt roads, and to a part of Richford that is NOT to be believed! Incredibly MAGNIFICENT! The view of the “mountains” is… well, it was STUPENDOUS! (I have to go back to get some photos of my own.) As we drove along I HAD to tell him, because it’s a true fact: I understood how he got so worked-up about the incident. He’s been driving for only about a little over a year now, and he’s completely un-familiar with dirt roads. This one rises and dips drastically. It goes from dry to wet. He’s not familiar with the fact that, in spite of the fact that, for the most part, the dirt roads are smoother than the paved roads in this State, when they’re wet, no matter what the weather, they’re slick! AND… the ruts from where he’d gone off the side were STILL THERE! It wasn’t all as serious as he’d made it seem, but it well could have been. I understood. The whole ordeal was foreign to him. A he’d once said to me: “ You drive over all these back roads in a car that could blow up at any time and it doesn’t bother you. What would you do if the car DID die on one of those roads?” When I told him I’d just walk, the idea visibly bothered him and I remember him saying “That would kill me! Being out there and having to walk like that. But it doesn’t bother you.” He had to walk a few metres to get to somebody’s house to use their phone (no fukking service out there on that road). That too scared him. Well, he got his photos. And I told him that if ANYbody gave him shit about this incident, I’d be more than happy to support him, testify, anything. Although he does need to learn to be more responsible and pay better attention and learn to drive, I do understand and will support him. – Photos done… we were en route!

LA FRONTIÈRE! LES DOUANES! LE CANADA! LE QUÉBEC! CHEZ MON COEUR, MON ESPIRIT, MON ÂME! Et la comédie a commencé: We got to the border, answered the questions of the nice young man in the window but, as we waited for him to swipe the passports, he reached out the window and handed Silas a dime. It had been in his passport. We looked at each-other and had to laugh. It seemed that the Customs guy was giving him change for something. BUT WHAT THE GUY SAID WAS EVEN FUNNIER! HE ASKED SILAS “Are you trying to bribe me?” and he SMILED! Ah… the Canadian Government! The friggin US could learn a few things from them (Honestly? The US could learn a LOT from Canada… especially about being “Human”.) And, as rather expected, he directed us to park “on the left” (I can’t help but think of it in terms of the Nazi evaluation lines: Good and survive to the right, to the “showers” to the left) and so we did. As we waited, we chatted lightly about nothing really in particular. I wasn’t nervous this time… not really. But I wasn’t really comfortable yet. Still, my trust in the Québec border patrol is strong and, in a matter of moments, a nice woman came out, handed us our passports and bade us a “nice day”. We headed NORTH! And my heart and soul re-united with my body. The World was well once again. I was HOME! I was FREE! The sky was a beautiful Québec “bleu” and the air was… Québec. I was aware of my lungs taking-in the Québec air and my eyes drawing in the sight of “HOME”. Along the road, Silas read the signs… in amusing “French”. He reminds me so much of Mum and Oma when he does it. It’s funny as all can be. He’s benign when he does it, not insulting. It helped me laugh. I laughed. – When we pulled into Sutton, he parked the car, we looked at a place or two to go and eat. Most places were closed until 17.00 but I decided we’d just ask. So, to the dépaneur for a pack of Belvedere (11,30$) and a suggestion as to where we could find “the best” poutine in town. That there was an experience. (A note here: Before we got out of the car, Silas mentioned something about being in Wales where the population can speak English but, once they detect the slightest accent, they’ll change and speak nothing but Welsh, just to be contrary… Well…) The kindly woman there addressed us with “Bonjour!” and I, of course, slipped right into “Bonjour…” and asked for my cigarettes… in French. Then, in respect of Silas, I asked, in English, where one could find “the best” poutine… She answered… in French. I kept switching back and forth, she added a few words in English. It was A PURE UNADULTERATED DELIGHT! Oddly though, she recommended… SUBWAY! So, we went. At first, Silas didn’t want to stay. He wanted to make this trip something more… for me… Said that it was the first time in almost 5 months that I could be “home” and that we needed to go someplace better than Subway. We strolled a bit, but found nothing open until 17.00. Back to Subway. Hey! Poutine isn’t exactly a haute cuisine, but this is something not really understood until one Lives poutine, and Subway? Probably truly the best. We went back to Subway. He ordered a large, I ordered a small. He also ordered a rib sandwich. The total? 19,55$! Imagine THAT number! (and the fellow charged him 1,25$ more because of the exchange… the US dollar being less than the Canadian – which tickles me with delight but, the woman in the dépaneur took the dollars at par! I said nothing. Hey! My personal allegiance is to Québec and if they can make a bit more, so be it!). WELL! The poutine certianly WAS DELICIOUS! Yet, it was strange to look at the wall-paper in Subway… the same as Subway in NYC: the subway maps, images of the library, Empire State building… Still, it was, for me, nothing short of having gone to Heaven! When we finished, Silas insisted that we had to return, to have a nice meal. I said that I would love that and now that I can cross the border again, we will. – The drive back was just fine. The sun was just low over the horizon but it was still very much day-light when we got to… the US border. That went rather fine, save the usual interrogation by the Gestapo. Still… we went through and came back to the house. I HAD BEEN HOME TODAY! HOME HOME HOME! And I can go back ANY time I want to! That night-mare is GONE GONE GONE! – Silas stayed a bit longer, paid a few bills on-line and we both chatted with Hilary when she got home. Before I knew it, Silas was on his way back to Burlington until Saturday. It was rather sad, seeing him off. I almost feel as if he comes to “visit me”, but I smile when I think that I take care of the house so that he can come and do nothing (but cook and mess so I clean again… but I truly don’t mind any more). And… I was alone again. But tonight, it wasn’t so bad. Although I’m sure to be screwed right up to the ear-drums with unemployment, and the phone wasn’t paid, I’d been HOME and I can go back HOME when-ever I damned well want to. There’s much I have to accomplish here (like getting my case into the courts and finishing the business of making life a bit easier… for me… and, ultimately, for Silas… as I say: I can win and win large. I can get things I should have had buy this time here. But in the end, in the long run, at my age, it won’t be for very long… and I will NOT leave ANYTHING to the State of VT NOR TO THE US! I’ll leave it to Silas. Why not? – It depresses him when I talk like that. But facts are facts and so it goes. – The rest of the night: Conversation with Nancy via twtr. That’s always the delight of the day and what a magnificent way to bring the day to a calm close. For the most part other-wise, that was it. There’s tomorrow morning for the “responsible” things and surely, I will be on them ASAP. – By about 23.00, I forced me up the stairs and to the cot. A bit of reading until about mid-night and at that point? I FORCED me to put the lights out and try for sleep. I wasn’t tired… I was exhausted… but not tired. But the lights went out. Period. – A day that began in Hell ended in Purgatory. Not bad…

Fri.14.Dec: 9.59 And just getting to the affairs of the day. Woke this morning to the alarm at 7.00… on the old MetroPhone! The bloody shit St8Talk phone alarm didn’t take again. Honestly, it’s been nothing but what I think of as “typical Vermont”… useless. But i got the garbage out on time. There were several old bags in the garage that needed to go… and REALLY NEEDED TO GO! They’d been in there from since about August! Well… they’re gone. – This morning, at 7.00, it was still rather dark! Winter is rapidly approaching. The nights are holding on to the Earth a bit longer up this way. It was almost comforting to wake and need a bit of light. Now, if only I could get me back to my “normal” and “regular” routine of being in bed at 21.30 and up at 4.30. Will that EVER come back? Will I EVER return? – I’ve been catching-up with this Journal from since this morning. All the while, listening to/watching “Radio Canada/RDI”. It’s a beautiful way to spend the morning hours and the day. Especially now that I know it’s not so far away and that I can BE THERE ANY TIME I WANT TO now… again. – The parcel delivery from the PO just went by. Again, today, nothing dropped here! I’m LIVID at this point and truly want a bit of mayhem to strike. I’m fed up with the USPS! I should have been working with them for months now… not. Mail should be delivered… not. Well, we shall see. Indeed, we shall see. – Meanwhile, it’s not half bad in here, temperature-wise, this morning, and I’m planning on getting the house together for another Shabbat tonight. Why? Because I want to again. Maybe it has something to do with yesterday. But what-ever. There’s cleaning to be done. AND there’s a LOT of research to be done for the litigation and THAT WILL BE DONE TODAY! – Now? Hot water… Hot coffee… WORK! – 22.40 And the day is all but done and I’ve accomplished just about nothing with it and I simply don’t care at this point. The house got a thorough cleaning. The floors are clean. Silas will be back tomorrow and it’ll all go right back to being the way it was… filth. But I don’t care. Just one of those days. I made more marmalade with a couple more clemintines. The glass is full. Now… there’s no bread in the house. I suppose I’ll make more tomorrow… if I care to. – No mail at all today. Just none. – Other than this? Oh, wash. I did Silas’ wash. I did mine. Mine… I wear the same damned thing every day. What’s to wash? – I checked the boiler. About a week ago, Silas went down to check and said there was ,25 tank. Today? Just about the same! This last delivery of 60 gallons is lasting almost a month! Hey! Of course, the temperature in the house never goes above 15 (roughtly 58F). I run the electric heaters and that’s going to knock the electric bill right up the pooper. But… we’ll worry about that when the time comes to worry about it… should be round the 1st of January I hope. – Other-wise? Other-wise. No particular plans for tomorrow. No particular plans at all. – Wait! I showered this evening! – There. That’s it. Friday. 14 Décembre 2012. 7 more days until the “Rapture”. I can only hold to the HOPE! – Just going to put some Mario Pelchat on the iPod, hope like hell Apple and iTunes doesn’t wipe out anything I already have and then? Up to the cot, read until I can’t read any more. Hopefully I’ll get a full night of real sleep tonight. This insomnia is killing me (I should be so lucky). – Oh yes, and I did get quite a few (several) references to laws for the up-coming case. I have a LOT of reading to do! And even MORE searching for a fukking lawyer whom I might be able to trust in this hell-hole. Times like this make me seriously wish I could go back to NY… just long enough to get the law-suit over.

Sat.15.Dec: (Mon.17.Dec: 4.17) It began as the days begin: Me walking up and wondering why. But I was awake, there was a day to fill, Silas said he’d be coming today. So, with the breaths I was forced to take, I made the best of it and made me busy. Not that there’s not enough to do round here to keep busy all the time. – There IS “THRILLING NEWS” to be posted for THIS date! (More asterisks *****) But before I get to that, let me add here that I was sitting at the computer, trying to focus on the “needs” of the day (research) when the LLV came driving by; this morning’s parcels were being delivered by the local PO… and the dear woman-driver stopped across the street, dropped a parcel there and drove away! Nancy’s parcel STILL HASN’T ARRIVED and today it’s going for the 10-day period where my patience and kindness have expired. I gave it one more shot and waited until the lettres were delivered and when THEY came, and the carrier went and STILL no parcel? POSTAL INSPECTORS! It’s time. Let the Inspectors take it where they will. And I’m expecting them to do for me what they’ve done “to” others: I want EVERY place that parcel could have gone through to be inspected and, if necessary, let the people who misplaced it go find other means of providing income for self and family… FIRE THEIR DAMNED ARSES! And so, to that effect, the formal complaint got filed. – No sooner was that done. I went to the mail-box to check on today’s delivery. There was “Good News”… there was “Bad News”. The “Bad News” is that there was a lettre from Unemployment… not bad news there-in BUT THE LETTRE WAS INSIDE THE DAMNED FLIER! Had I NOT shaken the paper and it dropped out, I’d’ve put it into the re-cycling! OK. I’m at the END of my patience with this Postal Service and that’s THAT! HOWEVER (***asterisks***) The LARGE envelope that came from “Vermont” contained news that couldn’t have made me much happier: FUEL ASSISTANCE IN THE AMOUTN OF 1049! A one-shot deal for the entire season but WOW! in the first place, I expected to get nothing but a nasty note. In the second place, I expected that IF I were to get ANYTHING, it would’ve been more along the lines of perhaps maybe a slight 400 at the VERY most. But THIS! THIS is more than “help”! THIS is just about the ENTIRE Winter season (at the rate I’m using the fuel)! Down-side? I have NO idea HOW to use it, where it is, how it will come to me… NOTHING! Even with this lettre, NOBODY has the good sense to TELL the recipient HOW, WHEN, WHERE or anything! Yet. I shouldn’t complain. I can’t believe it (and won’t until it actually happens… I’ve no doubt AT ALL and WHAT-SO-EVER that SOMEthing will happen and it will be taken away BEFORE it even arrives. So, I enjoy my joy for now and wait for the white-hot lead pipe to be SHOVED up my arse-hole to sear the bowels and leave a bloody, blistered hole in its wake.) – In other news: Today’s agenda included making bread. There’s none in the house, there’s marmalade and butter. There’s hunger. There’s a need for bread. This time, I tried something different: We have a box of instant potatoes left from, I believe, Thanksgiving (US). Instead of letting them go stale, I tossed a mug full into the flour and kneaded. Hey, can’t hurt. Bread can be SO forgiving… unlike life. Whilst it rose, I continued with all the researching for the coming case. It’s driving me almost insane. Seems I have nothing else in my life these days. But the over-whelming absence of ANY trust at all in ANYbody in this ENTIRE State drives me, madly, deeper and deeper into researching. I will NOT be put into a position where some half-baked, under-educated, hay-chewing in-breed will short me out of ANYthing that I WANT from this. And if I have to do the bulk of the work and research? So be it! There’s always the chance of suing an attorney for malpractice and deceit. So says the nice guy who left NYC after all those years, with a delightfully clean record only to come to this fuk-tard country-side to be smeared from border to border. ANYway… – Silas arrived round about 14.00 and I was just putting the bread into the oven. WOW! It was GREAT to see him. It’s hard on the heart when I think that he’s working to keep this place and yet, he’s almost a “Guest” here. (I’m the house-keeper who makes sure the place is tidy, clean, neat and in order for his arrival… so he can come in, tear it apart, have fun cooking, and leave… although it would be nicer if he’d come in, tear it apart, have fun cooking and maybe stay and relax a little?) What’s interesting is that one of the very first things he said when he came in was “Do you need to get to the market? Do you have food in the house?” Well… of course I have enough, but HE went through the cup-boards and decided that I didn’t and that SOMETHING had to be bought. So, he no sooner got here when he headed back out the door to shop. Honestly? I don’t get it: He’s SO changed in SO many ways… but he still doesn’t have the stamina to avoid “shopping” for something. Today he went to market and came back with corn meal to make Salvadorean food. I don’t complain about it. It’s actually a delight, and I mean that sincerely, to watch him learn how to cook these things. SHIT! If he could get his recipes down, he could open a nice place to sell his creations. How unfortunate that his intrigue is SO “NOT VERMONT”. But then again… who knows? We actually noticed as we chatted: there are no bakeries around this area. I bake breads of all sorts, he makes all sorts of rather “exotic” dishes. One of these days… it just might… – Well, the afternoon rolled along. At one point, he went and put on a downish jacket and went running round the place looking for his mittens and hat. I thought he was getting ready to leave again but he didn’t rush for the door. I said nothing… just waiting for the moment when he headed out, no “good-bye” and left. But he lingered. – It was 18.28 when Silas left… it hurt to be alone tonight. I don’t know why but it did. Worse… I missed him. The house became quite “empty” for some reason. I don’t like that feeling and I don’t like the fact that I have the capacity to have that feeling. So, I began to “occupy” the time. He’d said that he’d be back, probably round Friday. Another week alone here. It’s not so much that I don’t “like” being in the house alone… I can keep it clean and neat and such. But it IS nice to have him here… especially now that he’s calmer. – WELL! I no sooner got into the “busy” and “occupied” mode and started doing the dishes when the kitchen door opened… and there he was! With carrot cake! He’d gone to the Richford market in search of cheese cake but… this is Richford… No cheese cake, but they did have carrot. Hey! It was cake. It was OK. – We went and sat in the living-room for a bit, talking, him in heavy jacket, hat and gloved. Me, mostly comfortable. He’d said he was going to go back to Burlington tonight, try to get a shift in at TeddyBear, and it was getting rather dark and late. I asked him when he was leaving and, to my SHOCK and DELIGHT, he said that he was STAYING tonight! I was THRILLED! But I asked: why are you still in your jacket and hat? HE WAS SO COLD! It rather amazes me: I’ve become SO adjusted to the cold in this house that I don’t notice it (granted, I’ve precious little sensation in any of the fingers on my left hand and the sensation on the right is leaving by bits every day, but the rest of my body is well-adapted, so it seems). I felt SO terrible for him. I remember sitting in the houses of the paternal-side of the family, up in the woods in the mountains of the Catskills, fire going in the coal-stove in the kitchen and chilled through in the living-room. I remember sitting in the kitchen, fire-place a-blaze in the living-room, chilled-through no matter what. And I remember sitting in the kitchen at Aunt Sis’, wood-stove pounding the heat in the living-room, and just enough of a chill to be noticeable. This “chill” in the house is, in the strangest way, part of my “heritage”. I wasn’t too thrilled with it back then and today? Well, I don’t like the idea that somebody else should have to be subjected to it. There’s still about ,25 tank of oil down-stairs, and there’s (there had BETTER BE! I have ABSOLUTELY NO TRUST OR FAITH IN THESE FUKTARDS!!!) money coming for more, so I turned the thermostat up… to 65F (even that is better than the 58F I’d quickly turned it down to when I thought I’d be here alone), and we “settled in”. – 2 movies tonight: “Hot Fuzz” and “Ted”. WOW but it’s SO GOOD to have him “home”. – It became a late night (for him) when, at almost 1.00 on Sunday morning, I was just heading off and up to bed. A quick stop in the kitchen to do the dishes first though (of course) and I left him watching “Raising Hope” on the computer. Ah… a semblance of a “home life”… it was good. – I retired to reading “Templeton” for a bit and by about 2.30 or so, I forced myself to put the light out and force me to get some “sleep”. – It was, all told, quite a nice day and I felt damned good, oddly and for a change, knowing that Silas was “home”.

Sun.16.Dec: (Mon.17.Dec:5.41 and we continue…) I actually didn’t get out of bed this morning until almost 7.00! The house was quiet. Silas was still asleep. There was no particular reason to get out of bed. I had no access to the computer. So… – Round about 10.00 or so, I heard the stirring in the kitchen… the Chef was at it! Cooking commenced! He’s still trying to figure that recipe for “pupusas”.Imagine that, first thing in the morning. What determination! Well, this morning, as usual, the interest faded rather quickly when they didn’t come out the way he expected. Still… it was really nice, in spite of the cooking smoke that filled (and I mean FILLED) the house, to have him here. I enjoyed until… – he left round about noon. He stood at the back door, ready to go and asked “Are you going to be alright?” Well of course I’ll be alright. (Do I have any choice?) And he was out, in the car and with-out a “Fare thee well” he was down the road and out of town. I was alone… again… naturally. – I put the music on in the living-room to listen to what I have and what songs need to be “adjusted” and I got “busy”. Every once and again, a “Christmas” tune came on… I skipped those. They’re wonderful to hear in July, but NOT in Decembre. (Last night we’d talked about decorating the place for the holidays and Silas said “Are you kidding? If I had the money I expected to have by now, this place would be decorated ALL OVER!” It depressed me to think that he can’t have that. Still, I expect he’ll be at his mommies’ for the holidays and I’ll be here… and I don’t like the decorations… no real “good” memories that go with them… fukkit!) Last night he also mentioned that the living-room needs some “art” on the walls to make it a little bit more welcoming and comfy. So? Today I went into the bag that contained my water-colours and, rather against my better judgement, but thinking about how much I don’t care much past the 21st (and it has nothing to do with the alleged “rapture” shit), the water-colours went up on the walls. Y’know? he was right! It DOES make quite a difference! Quite. Then, out to the garage where I scoffed-up some of the lumber that was left from when Don replaced the kitchen windows. A shelf was born, on the wall, under the stairs in the living-room. It now holds the little figures that Silas had put on the window-sill when we first got here. They were hidden. Now they’re not. It truly makes a major difference in the room… it’s almost inviting! And it kept me occupied and distracted. I didn’t “finish” the hanging… I’ll do that tomorrow. I need to keep SOMEthing for the next day. – It’s rather interesting, but by about 17.30 I was SO tired! But it was entirely TOO early to go to bed and TOO late to take a nap, so I threw together some more left-overs from the fridge, called it dinner and sat to eat and watch “Farscape” on Netflix for a bit. Anything to keep occupied until the time came when it would be “appropriate” to go to bed. – Round about 19.45, on to Twtr in the hopes of finding Nancy (it rather is like a “search in a crowded bar” and reminds me of the days in NYC when I’d go out on an evening, wondering if I’d bump into anybody I knew). Indeed, we got a bit of time to “chat” together. THAT was a delight! Indeed. As always! A little communication with a Good Friend to close the evening. – Well, the snows have come back tonight. It’s not too bad, and there isn’t much accumulation. But it’s just enough to be concerned about. Why? I don’t know really. It’s not like I’m going any-where soon. Especially with tyres that can’t hold a simple wet road. But and well, the Winter is trying to take the place and I’m not complaining.- Just before heading up to bed tonight. I took the 2 canvas panels I have and put them on the window on the front door… for insulation, privacy, insulation. They don’t look half bad and we shall see if it makes ANY difference in this place at all. It also adds to the “homey” look of the living-room. Little by little the place will look “inviting”. – By 22.30 I was up-stairs and under the covers with a good book. But by 23.00 I actually got to put the light out, head on pillow, and hope for “sleep”… The week-end is over. Tomorrow starts the same old shit… again. And tonight, again, the house is empty… save for me.

Mon:17.Dec: 3.29 Yes, it’s 3.29am and I’m back at the console. This is why going to bed at 23.00 isn’t the greatest of ideas. Although, it IS getting closer to the good days of NYC when this is about the “normal” hour that I’d awake at. I remember those days so well: Bed by 21.00 and awake and at table for coffee at 4.30. Valentine Ave. with paper and pen, writing a bit each morning to Mum and/or to Viv. Some mornings, a bit of wash in the kitchen sink. Good days. Not perfect, but quite happy days. Where have they gone? This morning, I look forward to the extra hours of catching up with this Journal and then storming right back into the Internet: Laws. Statutes. Case histories. Dispositions. Recommendations. Lawyers. I FUCKING HATE THIS STATE! But there’s a light blanket of snow on the ground out-side. Thankfully, not enough to make shovelling necessary. And it’s a rather not-so-terrible 57F in the room. And it was rather delightful to come down the stairs into the living-room this morning: water-colours hanging on the walls, the shelf, the bit of curtain on the front door. 2 smokes left though, until 8.00. And then I’ll get the last pack I can afford for a while. I’m not looking forward to that. It’s back to the “Shelter” days soon. If I hold as I’ve been lately, the next pack will go to Tuesday. If I can scrape enough together, maybe a 2nd pack… Thursday or Friday. And if all goes well, by grace of god or man, Friday could well be the ticket to Paradise. I’d rather like that. I’m ready… all packed. But enough of that for now. Time to toddle along here. I have some remembering to do… – 4.16 and the snow is falling in earnest now. It’s beautiful, in its own right. – There is sage smouldering. Cleansing the house. Cleansing. – 5.49 THE PLOW BOSS! THE PLOW! And the house trembles. Ah… Winter… the darkness of the morning… the chill… the snow… THE NORTH! But I’ve just kicked the heat up a bit… just to take the morning chill out of the house… for now. The air coming up isn’t very warm… Dare I go look at the tank? Not yet. I’m not emotionally or psychologically prepared. – 6.20 And we’re caught-up with the Journal. The chill is… less. The snow is now falling wet and I’m a little fatigued. Imagine… 4 hours’ sleep last night, awake at 3.00 and here it is. 6.21 and I’m still awake. There’s much I should do, could do with this time. But… – 9.03 I got this much done and up-to-date. Then, went up-stairs to “nap” because I just couldn’t stay awake. It hit me suddenly. Well, from 7.00 until 8.30, I fell into a deep and dark sleep. So that’s not too bad. – Just now, Silas showed up. He has to work here in town this morning, had to drive all the way up here in the snow. Worse? He has to drive the LLV today. He hates that vehicle so much. There’s snow and ice on the roads. I just hope with all that the trips go well for him today. And now, on with the research… the “work”! There’s MUCH more of that to be done. – 12.57 The drive is shoveled… again… second time so far this season. Yes, I enjoy doing it. No, today, for some reason, I didn’t enjoy it so much. Can’t say exactly why. Just a little resentment. The snow was wet, which, of course, means nothing to SB or HR (Hilary). It wasn’t the fact that the snow was heavy. It wasn’t the fact that some of it had already been packed. I think it was more the fact that the labour put into shoveling goes, for the most part, misunderstood. Although, the last time I shoveled, HR was so thankful she said “Hell! I’ll pay you!” (Of course, I said that wouldn’t be necessary… but it would be nice to toss me a pack of cigarettes… and maybe a vodka now and then. I’m just sayin’.) Anyway, it’s done… for this time. And I’m in the house, kettle on, having a coffee and getting ready to get back to the daily “work”. – Oh… the note at the top of today’s entry? On both doors. A little humour to present a dead-serious message. I clean this maudite maison! And I’m sick and tired of doing it over and over and over again. If I can wipe my feet, remove my shoes, so can the rest of them. (No, I don’t expect that anybody will. Fux! But the note is there. Let them prove me right.) – One quick note: In today’s mail came the confirmation that SB has changed his mailing addresse BACK to S.Burlington. Said he, a few days ago when we discussed the missing package from Nancy: he’s been missing several notices from insurance company and such… his mother’s catalogues are being delivered here, addressed to her but at this addresse… he can’t trust the Richford PO so he’s having his mail delivered to his mommies’. OK. Today it struck me: I’m willing to wager that it’s not just a matter of not trusting the Richford PO but his way of making sure that his mail will be delivered properly… when he suddenly waltzes in here to announce that he’s “ditching-out” again… only this time, being packed and gone already. This is my thought for today. My response? So I’ll fukking do with the place as makes ME comfortable in the meanwhile. Then, if suspicions fact? I simple walk out, walk away, go HOME, across that border… and I WILL NOT come back! EVER! Plain. Simple. Done. Planned. Ready. And no surprise. – 20.26 At about 14.00, Silas came rolling in… immediately went to the Foreman grill and started cooking. Not unusual and expected. But, i have to note the bits that annoy: (1) The sign on the doors about wiping feet? Even though both are at conventional eye-level (not mine), he didn’t see the one on the door he came in through. It’s 8,5×11 inches, printed horizontally. (2) When I mentioned just having come in from shovelling the drive, I certainly don’t appreciate that, for the SECOND time, he walked in from the street, along the drive and asked: “You shoveled the drive-way?” Well! FUKMEEEEE! Although I said it rather lightly, I meant every lettre of every syllable when I said to him “You’re exactly like my father.” (3) When I brought him out into the living-room to show him that I’d taken his suggestion and hung art-work, his immediate comment was “I leave you alone for 10 hours and you make this place a ‘home’. I’m going to have to destroy this.” (4) I had an envelope that needed to go to Montpelier for unemployment. I asked him if he’d drop it at a mail box. He said he would. He left… the envelope is still here. – He was here for just about an hour… not much more and not much more less… Food all over the kitchen, dirty dishes, a mess. And out the door he went with the announcement “You’ll have me for the week-end… the whole week-end. Starting Thursday.” And here I was… to clean up the mess. – Needless to say, I’m in a foul mood right about now. And leaving here on the 21st is looking better all the time. Matter of fact, it’s looking like THE solution to ALL of this shit! I’m now being treated exactly the way my father treated me. And it will NOT continue. Wouldn’t it be just the laugh when Silas comes waltzing into the house, expecting me to be here as usual, only to find that the house is in perfect order, everything of mine is in my room… and hours, days, weeks, months and years go by and… well… I’m not. That day is on the visible horizon tonight. THIS is just too much! To be treated the way my father treated me? No! NO! – And so, I’m smoking in the house as I wish. I just wish I had more cigarettes. I wish I had a bottle of vodka. I wish I had the money to go get both. MY DAYS HAVE ARRIVED! I’LL “ditch-out”… IN MY FASHION OF PREFERENCE! FUK FUK FUK FUK FUK IT A.L.L.! – 22.56 I don’t belong here.
I just, all too simply, do not belong here. Not here, in this State. Not here, in this house. Not here, in this life… this existence. I don’t belong here, where I can’t sit and enjoy a cigarette. Not here where I can’t walk out and enjoy the company of people… people with education… people who communicate in more languages than a simple-minded dialect of some down-trodden, bourgeois attempt at portraying one’s self as something that not only is one not, but one has no clue, what-so-ever one is trying to portray one’s self as being. I don’t belong here where the vocabulary consists of little more than vernacular created by the uneducated and ineducable. I don’t belong here, picking-up after some off-spring love-child who was never given the slightest hint of consideration for any one or any thing other than its own self, conceived and born of the same genetics that he has inherited and has never even had the slightest inclination to fight against, nor change. I don’t belong here, fighting an all-out, outrageous battle for being surrounded in a house that is more a “home” than a simple, old structure. I don’t belong here where I have to struggle, not only for the basic means of daily survival, but to simply exist in an environment that prides its inanimate self on order, cleanliness and general comfort. I don’t’ belong here. I just. all too simply, do not belong here.
For some reason, this evening has consumed me and I’ve become the biological refuse of the consumption. And I’ve become consumed… by anger. Not the kind of anger where I want to destroy anything… well, not anything around me. I’d really rather just destroy my own self. I’m just angry, all the time, angry, at and with everything.
I don’t belong here.
I came from New York City. I came from Montréal. I came from Tel Aviv. I came from … not here. I came TO here. And “here” is NOT where I belong. I do not belong here. And tonight, it’s more obvious than ever before.
“Here” has brought precious little “good”. Not “all” bad. But precious little “good”. I do not belong here.
Tonight, I went up to my room, having been down-stairs for most of the evening. My room, sparsely furnished with nothing more than the absolute essentials: a camp cot covered in Goodwill and Salvation Army, and a “desk” of chrome shelving and a paper-board top with a 10$ office chair purchased at some re-cyclables shop in Burlington, a 15$ book-case where I keep my t-shirts and socks in “Priority” mail boxes, and a fleece blanket on the floor instead of a rug. I went up to my room, briefly, after having spent most of the evening down-stairs and I noticed: The air in my room has a fragrance; the air down-stairs has an odour. I don’t belong here.
No income. No prospects. No friends. Not even acquaintances. No transport. No phone. No communications. I shovel the snow from the drive, I wash the floors, i wash the dishes, I repair the electrics, I repair the plumbing, I worry about the oil in the tank for heat, I worry about the heat, I worry about the cold, I think about and act upon the maintenance of this place. I maintain this place in orderly fashion against the tide of what this place is, what the people of this place are, and what the person in this place is and has come from. I don’t belong here.
I don’t even know what else to say on the matter.
I went to the garage to get a trash barrel to put on the back gallerie so that the garbage won’t be kept in the house. The garbage consists of perfectly good food, cooked incorrectly, tossed into a plastic container and into the refrigerator, left to spoil. I threw it into a plastic bag and the bag into the barrel out-side the back door. Perfectly good food, cooked incorrectly, left to rot. I’ve never lived like this before. I’ve lived in a homeless Shelter in New York City. I’ve never lived like this before. I don’t belong here.
I cleaned the kitchen, arranged it to appear as though someone actually uses it for the purpose it was intended with what little is in it. I did that for me. It was a mess! I cleaned it because that is where I came from and where I am comfortable and where civilised people are from and where they are. I’ll have to battle again, come Thursday, to keep it this way. I’ll have to battle again,come Thursday, to maintain even the slightest semblance of anything, any place, civil. I don’t belong here.
This said, I am tired. I am exhausted. I will go back to my room with the fragrance in the air. I’ll read… READ DAMN IT! And when I put the light out tonight, I’ll pray, quietly… for a complete snap of all that is in my head or the cessation of all that supports any form of “life” in what is my body and what WAS my “person”.
I don’t belong here.
(Note: Brideshead Revisted… Sebastian, Charles, the Botanical Gardens. Clark Shockley… the Botanical Gardens… Bedford Park.)
I don’t belong here.

Tue.18.Dec: 10.53 Been awake from since 6 this morning. Rain. Just rain. And cold. And still in the same mood as I went to bed with last night. Slept… slept. – Coffee, tea. Working on back-up of DA Journal. 133 pages of info and another 84 of comments. The comments are what need to be organised. But… I’ll trudge on. Not sure why. I guess I just want something left behind. I didn’t waste all these years, staying on, staying behind, staying on for nothing. And I certainly don’t want any misunderstanding of what it was all like. – It’s rather painful going through all of this again… the past… the history. Especially listening to the music I’ve compiled on the iPod: THERE’S a LOT of history! And memories. It makes all of the contemporary time as completely worthless as it truly is. Makes the leaving easier. – The parcel delivery got done this morning. Nothing… again. I’m enraged. Then, I watched through the window as the lettre-carrier didn’t even bother to come up on the porch. It’s to be that way now, unless there’s something for either Hilary or me. It drives a fact deep, at the end of a rather nasty and jagged knife: Silas has changed his postal addresse, nothing will be coming here, to this house, for him. And here I sit… just discarded… yet again. I’ll have to adapt to this… again… discarded. I’m adapting to the fact that I’ll make this house comfortable for ME, fuk the rest of them. It’s not permanent, this house. None of this is. None of it. – Back to the back-up. I’m just truly annoyed and angry and bitter about having woken up this morning. I need to distract my-self from the fact. – (Wed.6.20) It really is amazing, that a day can pass and I can fill it with non-stop “something”. By 22.00 I’m rather amazed that I’m still moving, still doing, still finding something that should be done, something I’d like to get done, and something that I should have done and didn’t. What filled today? Mostly the DA Journal. It’s no wonder I could never get it all done on library time. But as I worked on it, my mind went back to the days: 3 library cards in 3 different systems in one large city. Getting up in the morning and heading out to Brooklyn, where I knew I’d get only 30 minutes on a computer, on the train from The Bronx or on the bus from Queens. Brooklyn, the huge, magnificent Central Library across from Prospect Park, on Grand Army Plaza. “Grand” Army “Plaza”. Today, here, there’s nothing “Grand”; and a “Plaza”? If there is one, one can be certain there’s nothing “Grand” about it at all. I felt humbled by the architecture and the very size and location of the Brooklyn Central. It was always astonishing to be in that building. I always wished that I could spend the entire time in there, a bit of a speck amongst the other specks of humanity. But it was only 30 minutes and I focused and copied files and texts and suddenly bolted, as there were others waiting to take my place at one of the 50 or so computer stations. – Out the door, across the veranda and down the great stone steps, across the Plaza and down the side-walk, round the park to the subway and through the tunnels, into Manhattan to the NYC Central Library. A ’60’s contemporary structure, several storeys high. Glass exterior walls that one seldom got near for lack of a place to settle by, some-one else having taken all the “good” spots. But I wasn’t there to gaze out the windows, I took the City for granted. It was there before me, it was there then, and it would always be there. I had other business to attend. And when my turn came, I took one of the 50 computer desks, as assigned, in what I’ve known is the 2nd largest library system in the nation, the largest being the Library of Congress (I was a part of this system, I was 1 person in a vast network, I took that for granted then, I don’t take it so today). More often, I’d head directly for “SIBL”, which became not only a source of computer access but a refuge… from Margot and later from the Shelter. “Science, Industry and Business”… B. Altman’s… here too, I was a minute bit in a VAST system, in a place of “Science, Industry and Business”… 3 facets of Life and Living that today? Well! If one were to put these 3 notions so close together even in general conversation, it would, in all likelihood cause horror… and a great, long pause… in absolute silence… no matter whom one was speaking with (save, another ex-pat NYer). Here, if Fate was on my side, I’d get either the customary 45 minutes or, and hour… sometimes even more time! But no matter how much time, the minutes ticked away in Peace and I went directly to work, opening files, copying files, moving information until it was time to, once again, pack it all in and head for the doors, the subway, the tunnels and… the edge of the world… Rockaway and the Queens Library system. There, almost invariably, I’d be awarded an hour or, sometimes even 2 (infrequently, 3 or 4!). The problemme was that I could never be certain as to how much time I’d get and even when I got the extra, I’d rush through, a bit pre-occupied with being told “I’m really sorry but I have to ask you to wrap-up what you’re doing.” and there, they actually meant it when they said “I’m sorry…” Still, I appreciated every single moment in the tiny, one storey library with its 12 computers… And as I sit here this morning (Wed.) be-moaning the snows and reminiscing, I shake to the bone when I think: That library is, in all probability, GONE! Probably washed clean and clear by the surge of “Sandy”… books, computers, desks, tables, ALL… GONE! And I think: Life is tearing my past away from me, physically, now. When will it tear the memories as well? – Enough of this! – I got DA copied, I went back into the “Vermont Legal” aspect of my current existence. A break in the morning for coffee and a lunch break during which I sat, quietly, aching in my heart, watching another episode of “Brideshead Revisited”, lost in the memories that programme brings, and, in my own solitude, allowing for the emotions, the painful missing of the greater days and times and people, the “Arcadian” days. And then, it was “back to work”. I busy myself all through the day, avoiding the realities I’m surrounded by and shrouded in. Computer, kitchen, walking about this house. I do love it here… I’m looking forward to leaving it behind. I’m hoping that time will come soon. I don’t feel “wanted” here, I don’t feel I “belong” here. I am a “Sojourner”, expected to suddenly, simply and quietly disappear… and, I feel… soon. – As the day progressed, raining, recent snows melting away, the way I should melt away, I accomplished much, but never enough. This evening, a quick dinner of franks on rolls, ginger tea and one more episode of “Brideshead”. I did manage to get the musical score from the programme and manipulated a graphic to put on the iPod. More memories in music. – The world went very dark, very early today, as it will at this time of the year and at this latitude. I almost didn’t notice. When, at round about 17.00, I was in the kitchen, trying to prepare something to eat, only to stave off the hunger, Hilary came by to snap me back into the “reality” of this place that I truly despise: As I prepped my meagre meal, she tried the back door, not bothering to knock. I have the door bolted… just because of such incidents. The little White-trash, disrespectful and inconsiderate bitch. Then, a little knock. I don’t bother with her any more. She, like her counter-part who is the “primary lease-holder” of these premises, is hopelessly crass and classless… very much like my entire environment. There’s no sense in bothering to try to educate or elevate either of them. So, I opened the door… and she simply invited herself IN! “Where’s Silas?” Not “Hello. Where’s &c.” She’s so oblivious to all that she didn’t note that his car isn’t here? She’d come to “borrow and egg”. Indeed, there-in lies the entirety of her stupidity… “borrow” and egg? Rather than get into some sort of brawl or row, and, due to the fact that I don’t have the ability to deny anyone food (knowing hunger too personally), I gave her and egg. She wanted to stay and chat. I made short of it. I was hungry and… well… I’ve no patience for this calibre of person. She was off, out the door and I was back to my solitude… now, glad for it. – “Brideshead” put me in mind of all the Baroque music my “sister” managed to dispose of and I made an effort at retrieving some of what I used to have and enjoy. It was rather good, remembering the composers and searching for their music. I added “Moonlight Sonata” by Beethoven, in memory of Mum. How she used to simply sit at the piano, no music reference, and solemnly play the entire 1st movement, letting it pour from her head, heart and soul, onto the keys and fill the room. It was the very first thing I taught myself to play. Tonight though, I couldn’t yet bear to listen to it through. But I have it… to listen to and enjoy… later, when I’m stronger. – High-light of the day: Twtr with Nancy! I was thrilled tonight! She had a bit more time to spend and it was the greatest fun, messages going back and forth. And when she mentioned that she’d made marmalade, because of a little recipe I’d given her, well… THAT did my heart MUCH, MUCH good! To provide a Great Friend with something sweet in life? How could any bit of that not be up-lifting? Right down to the photo of the finished product. It was really unfortunate that I just didn’t have the stamina to stay on-line longer tonight. But, my body is just responding to an absence of good rest for so long. It was round about 21.30 when I had no choice but to give-in and sign-off. I even left one file of 6 hours’ worth of Vivaldi down-loading… I headed up the stairs, to the cot, to read until… And this day, another day, went slipping into the past… just the way 56 years’ worth of days have done before it. Done… and… gone.

Wed.19.Dec: 6.09 It is Wednesday. It is snowing. In a precious life-time, that was a cause for great celebration. This morning, this place, this life-time, in spite of the beauty of the fact, this is no cause for celebration. – I woke this morning, with-out the alarm, covered only in one blanket. The others all on the floor. It was a difficult night, last. I don’t recall. I don’t want to recall. I know that I put the light out round about mid-night and it took little to fall asleep. There was only one moment when, just as I drifted off, I suddenly woke. The house was almost illuminated, from some indeterminable source. Oddly, it appeared that the walls were illuminating the house. I lay there, noticing, puzzled a bit and then thought to my-self: If it’s natural causes, then fine. If it’s some-one in the house, let them do what they want but don’t disturb me. If it’s super-natural causes, all the better… just do what you will, take me where you will… I’m glad to have done with it all. I’m going back to sleep now. And so I did. – It is Wednesday. The thermostat is at 65F. There was a chill in the air. I got rid of it. It’s another morning of not caring about anything, not really at all. A delight. Now, to work on getting rid of the 3-day old anger that’s just “here”. It’s not centred any-where in me. It’s just “here”. No cause. Just “here”. And there’s Baroque to be listened-to today. Another link to a pleasant part of my past. I’ll try and go there today… the pleasant part of my past. I’ll try. – 7.28 Last night’s file of Vivaldi is done and ready to be put onto the iPod. Six hours’ worth of Baroque in one clip! Hopefully it will fit onto the iPod. Hopefully all of last night’s music went well and will play well. – The snows have slowed to a finer mist-like flurry. The plow has been by. The house is warmer. But my fingers are painfully cold. I still have only one sensation in the fingers on the left hand: pain. I don’t know what’s causing that… and frankly… I don’t much care. I can still type. – I’ll be working on getting another “Journal” off the line and backed-up. Prose works today. Then? Hopefully I’ll be able to dedicate some time to a bit of drawing. I’ve those 2 little windows and I want to get one hung today… some-where. Why? I can’t say, really. It’s an apathetic compulsion to “do” art. Something more to leave behind… something more that some-one else will have to think about when the time comes and none of this matters any more. Friday is Winter. – 12.57 I’ve worked all morning on this project and now I can say, comfortably: ALL THE JOURNALS ARE BACKD-UP TO THE FLASH-DRIVE! IMAGES, PAGES, COMMENTS, POSTS. ALL! EVERYTHING! (I’ll have them in my pocket when I leave.) It’s been a quiet morning, save the moment at about 9.58 when I glanced out the window and saw Don drive by. I wonder… I just wonder… what was the purpose? To see if the drive had been shoveled? It hasn’t. It won’t be. Not today. It’s gotten warm enough to begin melting this morning’s snow. I’m not going to be bothered. Not in the mood. Besides, no-one notices one way or the other anyway. – It’s been a morning of Baroque. A delight, I must say. Nice to have some “Home Culture” about the place. And today, I enjoy the peace and serenity and the order of the house. Tomorrow… all will be lost again. I don’t care. I just don’t. And I just can’t. And I just won’t. My mind and spirit are very acclimated to the fact that this will not be for much longer. If all goes as has been planned these past few days, dear Silas will have this place to him-self. But not, unfortunately, the way I’d spoken of before. When it comes time for him to leave, he can do so, with my blessings. I won’t be affected in the least. Sorry dear Silas. But you know? It will go the way you almost made it go. Enjoy dear boy. Enjoy. – This morning’s post brought nothing… nothing at all. I’m now suspicious: When the idiot child put in for the forward, did he put in for everything addressed to this house? Is my mail now being forwarded to S.Burlington? I’ve an envelope, addressed to me, here, ready to be posted this afternoon. I’ll bring it to the Richford PO, drop it with the rest of the mail and see IF it gets here and when. If it doesn’t, well… I’ll be livid, for a bit. It won’t make much difference in a while. But IF he DID forward everything, there will be a battle the likes of which New England has never before witnessed. – That said, it’s time for a tea, then to prep and head off “into town”. Only to drop the mail. Nothing more. Then back here for an afternoon of art. Even dying artists make art. It never stops. – And I’ll continue with Brideshead. Watching it is wonderful… painful… but most pleasant. As I watch, I’m sitting in the living-room on Decatur again, Dottie and Clark beside on the sofa. Delightful days. Ah, and how I remember Dottie sobbing when she learned that I told Clark to go back to Michael. They were in a relationship when Clark and I met, along the drive, in The Botanical Gardens. Michael wanted to give it all another try. It had been their first spat. I couldn’t very well take them apart. Dottie sobbed so whole-heartedly. She’d never experienced such a thing: That I would respect the relationship so deeply that I’d give-up my own happiness, or the chance for happiness so that they could give their relationship another try. She was so moved. Those were the days of Brideshead Revisited and Pachelbel. Those were the days of Decatur and Valentine. Those were the days… 1981. The days. – Just making a note: At 14.55, 3 envelopes went into the “Out Of Town” mail slot at the PO: The Unemployment form that Silas didn’t take, an envelope addressed to me to follow and see if mail is coming to the house, and a release form for ANOTHER 5-year back-ground check for the USPS. I have no idea what job the USPS is investigating, but at least it’s not another rejection. – 18.02 Dinner is done. Burger meat, pasta sauce, on a slab of bread. Decaf after. Brideshead with. Dishes are done, on the rack. I’m not drying them tonight. The kitchen is clean. The day is done. I’m exhausted. I can’t exactly say why. And mood… foul, just foul. I miss the guys in the Shelter tonight. I miss a lot of people. I miss a lot of things. I miss a lot of places. Just foul. Fed up with so much. Fed up, I suppose, with it all. Just fed up. Seems like the more days that pass, the worse this is all becoming. It’s a spiral, down. Down. Time is beginning to actually feel very heavy. It’s become something I can actually “feel”, in my lungs, on my chest, in my eyes, on my head, in my heart. A really very “heavy” sensation, suffocating. That’s about how it feels: suffocating, horribly suffocating. And the music from last night? Even that didn’t go well. Some just ends. There’s a piece that has all sorts of digital glitches. Even the music. Right now, I’m nauseated. Sour stomach. And not “tired” so much as would be called “weary”. I’d like to get to some art-work, but the part of me that needs to be in it is gone. There’s an urge to do some art, but the part that needs to be in me just isn’t. Empty and heavy. Even the emptiness is heavy tonight. And I don’t want to be here. If it wasn’t so damned cold out there, I’d walk… walk… walk… to any-where… to no-where… just go out that door and walk. Heavy. That’s all. Just heavy. The moment for leaving this behind keeps getting closer. And it’s not just a simple matter of necessity any more. No. It’s nothing more that a simple fact. The time to leave is very close and I believe my body and soul both know that now. Nothing is “right” anymore. And nothing will become “right” anymore. I’m tired of it. And I’m looking forward to leaving it all behind, like one would look forward to a festive get-away to a favourite place, or even an unfamiliar place where one always wished one could go to. – Too early to head to bed right now. But soon. And this day will be behind me and another one will begin. I’m not looking forward to that. But each day that passes is one less day of waiting. I don’t know why I’m waiting. I don’t even know what I’m waiting for. But, when the moment comes, I’ll know that for certain and all of this will be here… and I will not.

Thu.20.Dec: 6.03 Lights out at 0.30 and awakened by the plow at 5.51. And yet another day commences. Yet again, I am awake, and yet again I ask: Why? – The dull/numb/tingly pain in the left-hand fingers is getting progressively worse. Yesterday I tried warming them by my little heater, thinking that might help. I got “warm”, dull/numb/tingly painful fingers. Neuropathy? Cell damage? WHO the fuk knows? Oh well. No sense in worrying over something you can do nothing about. – OH DEAR BLOODY KRISTE! TOMORROW IS WINTER! AND TUESDAY IS BLOODY CHRISTMAS! JUST FUK ME! – Meanwhile, on more rational thoughts: The job-thing… HOW in bloody HELL will I be getting to a job, at THIS hour of the day in SNOW? Ah… always SOMEthing at the ready to be shoved into where-ever. Just SUCH a fukking delight to be awake and breathing. – To art. I’ve been awake 20 minutes and already resentful of breaths taken. Jolly charming. – At 10.46,for no reason at all, rally, I had a bit of a “break-down” of sudden, un-controllable sobbing! Painful sobbing. Nothing really sparked it. Just happened. What followed was rather interesting too: As I prepped for “lunch” round about 11.30, I was gut-wrenchingly nauseous and wanted to vomit. The thought of eating or drinking just made me sick! Hissing ears, sour stomach, the urge to heave toe-nails. But I HAD to put SOMEthing in my stomach. I forced myself to eat. Had peanut-butter on the last of the bread, and de-caf… Brideshead. My little luncheon routine. I like it. What will I do when I’m through the Brideshead series? On my! But… then… – 13.30 MAJOR ANXIETY! Chest collapsed in on itself, couldn’t breathe, paced like a crazy man looking for air, for calm, for escape from the feelings! They seem to come more frequently these days… the anxiety attacks. Out of no-where. It’s truly inconvenient. In some distance, removed respect, I understand why. But that doesn’t mean I can fight them. They’re intense of late. – Got mail today, rather much mail: The enveloppe I’d posted to me yesterday, another copy of Court disposition, FoodStamps notifies me that I’ve been returned to max, another appointment for hearing on unemployment (they claim I’m working at VT Teddy! Is someone working as me!?!? I have to wonder. As I told SB later this evening, I just can’t bear to have that happen again! I haven’t received a Fed Income Tax return since 1988… I remember the year exactly because the Fed came after me with a vengeance… as my Mum lay dying in hospital in Buffalo. How can ANYone say they “love” this country? I never did and never will. And if someone is working under my ID now, there will be a brutal death coming: The person who took my ID, the person who allowed that to happen… but, more likely… me. I can NOT deal with this EVER again.) – So… Since I was promised a lift over to the oil company today (SB) and my life never showed, it was about 15.00 and I got be together to head out to walk. I had an addresse and a general idea as to where it is but the weather was just fine and it was a great day to stroll. Not to mention, I’d be learning a bit more about this little town I now call my “residence” I have to note that I took the Main over to the fork and headed into strange territory on what SB calls “the ghetto side of town”. It really wasn’t at all that bad! Actually, the views of the hills (VT “mountains”) is beautiful! And the sun was breaking through the clouds and casting a breath-taking lustre to the hill-tops covered in snow. They glowed against the dark clouds that lingered. I had the iPod so I had my music. Ah… the eternal NYer: go no-here with-out music! When, at last, I couldn’t find the company, I happened to see the PO LLV and headed toward it. Always ask a Postal Person when you need to find some place or another. How interesting that the carrier should be Tim! I know HIS name but we’ve never met until today. He’s got a rather charming “country drawl” that I didn’t expect. Told me exactly where the office is(of course) and… in spite of the fact that i was wearing a kippa, bade me “Merry Christmas”. Very cute… indeed. I was off along more little streets, past cute little houses and yes, some rather “Red-neck” style shacks. But certainly nothing “ghetto” (although that area is rather some-what removed from the rest of the town). – A note here: Across from the house is “Hamilton Place”… where Joyce, Cynthia and I lived in the building with Pat. In town is “Powell Street”, close enough to Powell Av… Nbg. Today I walked along “Liberty St.”, certainly NOTHING even slightly resembling THE Liberty St. of Nbg but it was a smack in the head when I saw the sign. There’s a “Harlem St” here (to associate with “Hamilton Pl.”), South St, as in Nbg. Then there’s “Intervale Ave.” and “Home St.” (close to Home Av.)… The Bronx. “Troy St”, close to Troy Av. Bklyn. This place is just like something out of a Twilight Zone episode: The names are similar and bits of every-where else, jumbled together. Today, I noticed even more. – The meeting with Mrs. McA. was a pure delight! She’s nothing like I expected from the sound of her voice on the phone. Younger and smaller. But what a truly wonderful person. She told me what to do with the grant… that it has already been received buy them and all I need do is call for an order. I put one in whilst there: I’d have liked to say “Fill ‘er up” but even 200gals would have left not quite enough to cover another 50gals for future so I settled for 150. Besides, there should still be about 50 or so gals left in the tank and I don’t know for certain what the capacity of the tank is (these butt-holes round here not knowing their own socks from those of another person). So it was done and the order went in for tomorrow morning delivery! OIL! Heat! Warmth! I won’t know what to do, how to act! All said, it was another “Rural Delight” talking with Mrs.McA and she all but welcomed me to Richford… she’s an “original” so that meant a lot to me. – The walk back was MUCH shorter that the walk there… The office is only just off the Main St! Had I been smart, I’d’ve looked at the receipts I have for previous deliveries and gone to a map! But, I did manage to get to see more of the town and that’s well worth the travel. The oil company in right there, on the 105… along the river! Very nice! As I came off the 105 onto Main, a Border Patrol car drove by and for some reason, it struck me: being so close to the border… of HOME… and again, a depressive lump welled-up from my gut and I had all to do to keep from belting a sob! It makes me happy to see the Border Patrol, it makes me incredibly sad at the same time. I wish I could say why, but I can’t. I just let it be as it is and fight to keep what little sanity I have left. It’s the best and the most I can do these days. Will it get “better”? I doubt it. Will it get “worse”? I’ll try to avoid that. I make no promises. – I was back int he house by about 15.37! Quick walk. Quick business. Just quick. Well, Hell… the town’s not that big! – Tonight’s “meal” (the one of the day): a tin of red salmon. It was about 17.00, I’d just sat to eat and watch Brideshead and SB arrived… in his usual sour mood, immediately jumping into complaints about the PO. He spewed, I remained silent (I’m exhausted on my own these days and suddenly, although I am compassionate with him, this barrage, every time he walks in the door!) and when he’d finished, he got quiet and apologetic. Gave me a hug, apologised for walking in the door with all “his shit” and then: “What’s wrong? You’re so depressed? You’re quiet, serious.” I didn’t bother to say. None of his business, really. Besides, I doubt anybody would understand… doubt anybody’d really care… and in particular, I KNOW HE’s incapable of either understanding or caring. And? It would be like talking with a deaf child. I don’t bother any longer. – Well… By 18.30 he’d cooked pasta and was off, with bowl (never brought back) to Hilary. I understand that: He needs a peer and she’s there and they have a past and apparently they consider each-other “friend”. To me it’s a bit of a mix: More like the son who comes in and goes to see his little girl-friend and a little bit like the husband who comes home from a hard day at the office and goes to see the boys. Either way, it’s better for both of us… especially me these days. – I went up to my room to work at the sketch I’d started and he returned, came up to the room, heard the Baroque music, walked over to the desk and calmly asked “Are you killing your-self?” THAT is a consolation to me: It wouldn’t be an issue to him if I was. But I told him, quite sincerely and calmly “IF I were to do that, you KNOW I REFUSE to die in THIS country! I certainly wouldn’t be sitting in this room if that were the case.” “But the music is so heavy and sad.” “It’s Baroque…” I let it go at that. He asked if I wanted to go to the store, said he’d get me a pack of smokes. I was thankful. Ah, but moments later he returned… handed me a Klondike bar and disappeared again… back to Hilary. Once again: tells me he’s off to do one thing and completely blows it off. I’m to the understanding now that it’s not an intentional ignorance, rather, he just doesn’t possess the ability to retain anything that comes out of his mouth there-fore, anything said, no matter what, is and/or can be null and void… even to the “Order of Protection”… a great indication in and of itself. All… is… null… – By 21.00 I’d done the dishes, cleaned the kitchen and SB had returned. We settled in his room to watch the new version of the old movie “Dune” (it was BORING as all Hell! to me). It must have been round about 1.00 when I looked over… he was asleep. I left the movie and his light on and quietly went up to my room. I was exhausted, as usual. Just “being” is exhausting of late. It’s tedious, waking every morning. And with the pain in the left hand, it’s difficult. But… it’s what it is and … a quick few pages of the Templetons and about 2.00… lights out. I’d managed to stave-off another day.

Fri.21.Dec: 6hrs.42mins. into “The Last Day of This World”. I… am in the loo… unimpressed. Well… slightly impressed. What woke me this morning was the howl and shriek of the wind blasting through the spaces of my windows. 33km/hr winds! And in from the East! Temperature out there is 4C, warm. This morning, as I got to bed, there were light flurries. A read later, lights out round about 2.00 it was pouring down with rain! I suspected something was coming in. And now, the old house rattles and rumbles in the darkness of this, the “Official” opening of “WINTER”! I’m glad to see it come, happy to be here for and in it, and hoping not to see it become Spring. – This morning, the tingle/numbness in the left hand is actually painful. Quite painful. It’s not from the cold, as the house is quite warm this morning,SB being home and the thermostat at 65F all night (and 150gals of oil en route for delivery today!). If I cared at all, I might be inclined to wonder… truth is, the pain goes up through the bicept as well… Reminds me, some-what of the Summer I had the cyst on the elbow (bone): ace bandage tight on the upper arm, “Chux” wrapped round filled with “drawing salve”… It took 3 days to swell… over 2 weeks to drain. It was the Summer I started at ChemBanque on Wall St. Today, maybe there’s another cyst. Well, if so, I won’t disturb this one. – 6.59 The house thumps, whines, whistles, bangs and creaks, and the wind blasts against it. The sky is going from Indigo to Royal blue. Friday, 21Decembre 2012. And I am quite ready… to go… Home. – 22.39The house is quiet. The dishes are done. My left arm is SO miserably painful tonight and the left hand fingers are tingly-painful as well. I don’t know what this is, but dear god! The pain is all but un-bearable. I shut the fuk up about it. No sense in discussing it. Besides, I’m just about living alone anyway and that’s the way it would be if I were back in NYC. So? So… – At least the place is warm tonight. Not only because of the miserably warm day we had today (it was 7C when I checked as the sun was setting and when the sun was high, it was considerable warmer), but because there’s 3/4 tank of OIL to heat the place with! I’ve turned the thermostat up to 68F! Believe it or not, I’m terribly uncomfortable… it’s entirely TOO HOT in here! – It was an interesting and wasted day, all told. I did a lot more work on the “window sketch” which I changed completely. I’d started a covered bridge and, well, my penchant for those is dead. So I went to a little mountain/dirt road sketch which might come out a bit better. And that’s where I passed most of the day… in my room… with my pencils. – NANCY’S PARCELS… BOTH OF THEM… ARRIVED TODAY! WOW! I’m really amazed! More at how LONG the first one took than how quickly the second one took to get here. But they’re here and that’s what counts and what matters. I opened the first one: Chanukah!!!!! It was like having the holiday… period. I didn’t have one at all this year. (Nor will there be a Christmas, unless the weather is good and I decided to stroll up to Sutton – 16km.) The gifts were all beautifully wrapped, one for each day. Day 1, a card and a dollar for each day of the holdiay, 3 clementines and a yartzeit candle (for Mum). Day 2 was 2 bags of Chanukah gelt! day 3: a box of chanukiah candles (how I wish I had my chanukia that Peter had made for me years ago! Thanks again, dear sister. Times like these make it easy to feel that Fate justified your bitter hatred by taking your beautiful son from you. He was blessed.) Day 4 held 2 cans of Maneshewitz chicken soup! JUST what the Dr. would probably order for my arm! Day 5’s package: incredibly WONDERFUL GLOVES! Warm! Beautiful! Handsome! Very “me”. And they go with Bob’s jacket that Fran gave me before I left there AND the scarf from Nancy! YAY! Day 6: Matza crackers (for those late-night munchies with the Templetons). Day 7, “Kedem” tea biscuits and a “heat and serve” pouch of mashed potatoes! Quick and easy “meal” for me! And now that I’ve taken to having tea… I have BISCUITS… and KOSHER TOO! Day 8… It was AMAZING! I carefully (of course) opened the tissue wrap and thought “What an amazing scarf!” and then… I opened it all the way and, to my amazement and delight… a CURIOUS GEORGE HAT! It’s adorable! And WARM TOO! The temperatures are supposed to plummet the week coming and I’ll be all the happier for this hat… and the warm socks too (because I don’t have a pair for the boots). SO! THAT was an AMAZING greeting for the first day of my favourite season! – I didn’t open the second package. I’m holding that on for the 25th (since it looks like the end of the world isn’t coming today… OK. There’s still time… but all in all… it’s doubtful at all). – I was alone all day today. SB went to work at the PO and I had the house, and the time, and the peace to sketch… and so I returned to that, listening to Francis Cabrel ALL DAY! – It must have been round about 176.00 or so when SB came in from work. Immediately, I heard about how miserable the PM is making him and that he put ‘his cards on the table’ for her and told her of his plans to take grievances to all sorts of places. He’ll just never learn to keep his mouth shut. But I don’t care anymore… about a great many things… here, there or anywhere in particular. Then, of course, he got right into cooking. But tonight there wasn’t such a mess of it all. Still… there’s cooking going on, there’s left-overs from last night that won’t be eaten (mainly because he’s one of those who will dig into the container, eat from it, close it up and put it back into the fridge… and I won’t touch it, other than to toss it when it goes bad… fukking waste!). I expect he eats well at his mommies’. But you know? I don’t care. I just don’t. One of these days, soon I hope, it will be just him… and he’ll learn what it’s all about. Until then? I no longer have the capacity to give a shit. – The oddest thing happened as we were talking though. It got to be later and SB had to head to Shelburne to work tonight (he’s coming back though). As he was ready to leave he called from the car “You wanna take a ride to the little store with me?” What for? “Your cigarettes.” He’d told me that he was bringing a pack yesterday. He didn’t. As I walked out the front door I notice a piece of paper on the porch. Picking it up I learned that the OIL HAD BEEN DELIVERED! Neither of us noticed and Bob (McA) just delivered and left the receipt! 150gals! (545,85$) I grabbed SB by the arm and dragged him down to the cellar to check the tank. Sure enough! 3/4 full! A-FRIGGIN-MAZING! That’s something we’d NEVER have been able to do with-out the help! (The one thing I don’t much appreciate though: When he heard I’d gotten the grant for the oil, SB said “You don’t know what a relief that is to me! That’s 1000$ less I have to pay with my rent.” OK! So it’s back to the word “MY” is it? Fine. Soon it WILL be “YOURS”… ALONE! Good luck with that… Burton.) ANYWAY… I am thrilled! And, I learned that the tanks holds 300gals total (not the 250 that the moron Mr. Burns claimed… but then… oh… never mind). – Indeed, we went for cigs, and as I got out of the car, SB called to me “I’ll try to get you your phone card to you in the next couple of days.” Again… he’s Lou T. all over: tells you all sorts of things and then? NOTHING! So, it’s not like this is something new in my life… he’s also very much… my sister… tell you anything that sounds like something you might want to hear and then drop it all. – Well, it’s 23.19 and I’m exhausted! But there is one more thing to add into this FIRST DAY OF WINTER!… ZULEMA! NO NEXT TIME! I FINALLY HAVE A COPY ON THE iPOD! The music collection has no exceeded the old collection with this piece! I’d been trying to get it from the days in NYC when Schmulik gave me the iPod and TODAY I HAVE IT! – Ah… the things that bring joy… JOY! – And so, the dishes are done, the kitchen is clean, I need to tidy my room before I head for bed (soon). – My meal tonight: 2 eggs with cheese and an episode of Brideshead. It was the first time on the computer all day! – SB should be back about 1.00 in the morning. I’ll leave a light on but I’d like to be under my covers and asleep by then. I can hope. – Missed chatting with Nancy tonight. But truth is, I can’t expect to have that time every night. She has family. But each moment of communications is more precious to me than all the so-called riches of the World. She’s a Dear Friend! She’s THE Dear Friend. – On this note? A catch-up with yesterday, a post to the Journal and I’m… outta here. – 23.33 Something I’ve been noticing the past 2 days: When the house is completely quiet, I hear a voice… a male voice… like a TV or radio programme. If I tilt my ear into the direction (such as now, I’m in SB’s room and I swear the sound is coming from the direction of the stairs in the living-room but if I tilt my ear to hear) it stops. It’s not loud. It’s not even loud enough to understand what’s being said. But I can hear the droning voice. I wonder what that’s all about now. It’s not as if there’s somebody telling me things. Nor is it anything like a cacophony. It’s just the “sound of the radio in the other room”. Interesting. There’s something that sounds like an advert every once and again as well. All interesting.

Sat.22.Dec: 7.13 HOT IN HERE! I woke at 6.00 and lay in bed for a bit. Last night I’d left the lights on for SB because he said he was coming back (I doubted it but left the lights on just in case… He shouldn’t come “home” to the darkness… not on the longest night of the year). Well, this morning? Lights still on… and only me in the house. – The thermostat was set at 68F all night as well. THAT will have to be adjusted today. SB, I believe, won’t be “here” on the week-end, so the thermostat will return to 58F! – Meanwhile, it’s rather chilly up in my room this morning and when the heat comes up down here, in SB’s room where I sit now (8.10) having caught up with the Journal, it get MISERABLY HOT! Of course, this being an old house, as soon as the heat stops… the cold comes creeping in. Alas. – I’m off… it’s another day. SO much for all the threats (promises) of yesterday being the “END OF THE WORLD”. Just proves: LIFE is useless BULLSHIT! – And that, my dear, is this morning’s inspirational chat. No GO and make the most of the SHIT the WORLD is. – I post. – 10.04

Nothing more can be said about this entry. 2 notes in… and it still hurts, just like it used to.
14.56 The snow has been falling all day. It’s actually beautiful out there. Winter is here. I, meanwhile, have managed to keep rather busy, staving off anxieties and aggravations and the likes. I broke down this morning and went back for MORE MUSIC! Joan Armatrading of all people! Oma’s… I’ll always associate Joan with Oma’s. Especially “Me Myself I”. Well, it’s been replaced… I have it again, along with a few other pieces of her music including some very contemporary music. I’m glad about that. – Then, only moments working on the sketcgh again and it was time to eat SOMEthing! A bowl of hot lentil soup! Yum! (Fuk me… really.) That led into trying, yet again, to fix the fukking kitchen sink faucet! Lost cause. It needs to be replaced… the fuk Don has known about it since we got here… has done nothing. Today I thought: He probably won’t talk with ME because I told him that i come from a family of landlords… I know too much and could put him in his place (which I will do, given the opportunity). – Mail came: one piece: Now the State has records of me working at Teddy Bear! I’m PISSED, LIIVID AND READY FOR A DAMNED GREAT WAR! IF there IS somebody working as me, he’s as good as maimed for the duration of his life-time! I’m not going to put up with this any more. Let the authorities come after me AFTER I’ve broken the son-of-a-bitch’s knees and shins. And good luck with getting me before I take care of ME! Fuk them all!- That said, I got to the bath-room up-stairs: put a bit of a shelf up on the wall. moved my meagre bits of toiletries to it. The medicine cabinet is empty… Silas can use that room now. In fact, i wish he would so I could stop having to sweep his beard trimmings all the time. There’s still a small pile on the floor in the utility room from the last time… it’s been there over a week now. He knows… I don’t understand how he can be so filthy! – NEXT! The bath-tub is repaired quite nicely. I may just have a nice bath tonight… or tomorrow. It’ll involve carrying pots of hot water up the stairs because the water heater doesn’t have the capacity for a good tub of hot water. But I can manage. – Just shot off another e-mail to SB about the phone card, re-explaining that he needn’t BRING it up here. And I told him about the latest news where-by, if all goes amok, I’ll have to pay the State 1049$ I could use the phone to call the necessary offices to settle this before it gets too deep. Now we shall see just what kind of “friend” Mr. Burton truly is. I’m in need of great help… will he come through? (I mean, he did say that he’d be back last night. He still hasn’t shown.) – Now, it’s 15.08. The drive will need shovelling soon but I want a coffee. – This has been difficult to type today: no glasses (they’re up-stairs) and my left hand is absolutely numb. I wonder if it’s muscular or coronary. I’ll hope for the latter. – 18.45 The house is quiet, comfortably cool. I’ve eaten my “meal” and the drive got “swept”. – This afternoon, about 15.30 or so, just as I was thinking that SB had come, worked and returned already to S.BTV, I sat at the computer, getting ready to watch another installment of “Brideshead Revisited” I saw him, trudging across Church St., in the rapidly-accumulating snow, his being the only foot-prints. I felt rather sorry for him out there, knowing that he was none too pleased about being in that weather, but thinking that it’s probably about time he learned that the world is NOT California and that all the rest of us are not here to protect him from the harsher sides of Reality. I did, how-ever, think that he might stop by before leaving town this evening. I was a moron, once again, as it turned out. – It was shortly after that when I went out to clear the drive of the snow. So far, it was a light, dry snow and I managed to get the entire drive cleared with only the broom! What fun! A dry, powdery snow! And it took just several moments and the whole job was done! BUT… the snows continued to fall and by the time I’d gotten back into the house and re-settled, it looked as if I’d never gone out there at all. Doesn’t matter, really. Nobody will be using the drive today… tonight… tomorrow. One thing I did think though: Odd how the only person in the house who doesn’t drive is the one who makes certain that the drive-way is cleared of snow…for the other 2. And, if what Hilary claims is true, that having the drive plowed costs 20$ a clip, that she would pay 10$ into it and SB and I would pay 5$ each, I’ve already saved Hilary 30$ thus far and SB 15$. It might be a kind gesture if somebody would offer anything to compensate for the savings… pack of cigarettes, bottle of vodka, phone card, something? But I’m thinking in “adult” terms here and what I’m applying them to is 2 30-plus year old infants. I am ashamed of me. – As the day went on, there was no word from SB. I was rather disappointed. He didn’t stop by and by about 17.00 I realised that he’d left town and was either heading back or had gotten back to his mommies’. It strikes me as just slightly interesting that he hates being here so very much that he won’t even stop in at the house to change. No doubt, he needed dry clothes. Well, it certainly can’t be anything I’ve done because all I’ve done round here is manage to make this empty old house look lived-in… or at least, resided-in. No arguments. No demands. Well, tough shit and hard cheese. That’s how it is. – I did manage to keep me busy though. SB had mentioned that he wanted to put a “curtain” or something in the door-way of the closet in the back bed-room. Some moron had removed the door, for what-ever reason, and it does look a bit… open. So, I broke-down and cut into the brown tarp, found a bit of PVC pipe in the cellar (which is now flooded once again… the shit4brains folk here having done exactly as the shit4brains asses in Nbg had done in that old house: poured concrete directly over a dirt floor… and the water rises, and the floor decays… dumbasses, the lot of them) and managed to rig a “curtain” across the door. Not half good… not half bad either. Just “done”. I try. – Took a break from the day and sat, watching the “penultimate” (thank you Nancy for the “Monsters of Templeton” and the word) episode of “Brideshead Revisted”. One more episode and it’s done. I’m not looking forward to it ending. It’s been rather nice, in a most bitter-sweet fashion, re-living those wonderful days in Bedford Park, now SO VERY FAR AWAY in time and space. I’ll be looking for another escape from the Present. – I’ve watched the cars passing the house too. Town St. still isn’t plowed yet. The cars come to a stop in front of the house when they see that Town isn’t plowed. It’s really very telling about the intelligence of the locals and others… “Vermonters”: They drive by at the usual speed, come to a stop in front of the house, at the intersection, and there they sit, for the longest while… just there, not moving, as if completely confused and confounded. Like animals that are used to following some migratory path set into their instincts, only now, they come upon a fence or a wall or a traffic-congested super high-way and because they’ve been hard-wired over the generations to follow one and only one route, they have NO idea what to do or where to go from this point. It can be described as nothing more than “pitiful” at the purest sense of the word. These idiots who are so damned proud of themselves… and their absolute stupidity. When I think that I came here, to this “Vermont” with such deep respect for these turds, and now, just over a year later, I’ve seen them for the complete idiots they truly are. Ah… we live… we learn… we are impressed (here, by the degree of stupidity a human-being can still function under) or we are disappointed (if I cared at all I might well be). – 18.47 the plow just went by. Second time on Church… no Town tho. Well, it is Saturday and there won’t be the usual traffic of people returning to work so I suppose the town is thinking there’s no sense in making sure the roads are clear. Frugal of them. (I’m being generous with the compliments.) – And so, at this hour, I can safely assume, and correctly and justifiably so, that I will be alone again tonight and probably for a while. I doubt I’ll be seeing SB until WELL after Christmas at this juncture. I wonder though: if I wasn’t here, what would become of the house? If his circumstances were to have been as they are, who would be taking care of the oil and the heat and the general up-keep of the place? It’s very easy for him to walk away from things, places, people. And yet, not so long ago, he had the audacity to condemn ME for being self-sustaining. The difference being that I don’t simply abandon people and such. I deal with it all. Not to mention, he has the privilege of being able to run to family, to hide in their home where they’ll take care of him and his needs. I, on the other hand, have… ABSOLUTELY NO ONE! I’m not complaining. I’m very much accustomed to it. But it does tend to make me sick when I think about how totally taken for granted I’ve, yet again, become. No sense in thinking about it though. Why bother? – I need to get to market for milk, butter, eggs. I need smokes too… no cash. Tough times ahead. – Oh well. Sent a thank you to Nancy for the GLOVES she sent. Truly, honestly and in fact, they’re SUPER! I can’t imagine where she got them or what made her think of them, but by far, I haven’t had a pair of gloves that kept my hands so protected and warm since the mittens made by the Inuits that I’d gotten in Montréal SO VERY MANY YEARS ago (and that my sister took care of). Especially now, with my hands going dead, I appreciate these gloves SO much more! I’ll never be able to thank Nancy enough… never. – Sent a note to SB as well. I figure I’d mention to and let him know that I saw him here today (and remind him of his promise about the phone card… I’ve no pride when it comes to that now. I’m fed up with him telling me something and then toddling off into oblivion. I’m fed up about a lot of things of late.) – Will make a hot tea, finish Brideshead tonight and look forward to an early turn-in I should think. – 20.28 Fates help me… Brideshead Revisited is finished… yet again, as it was in 1981. Now? Empty. And no telling what’s to follow. – The snow is deep again and needing to be cleared. And the day is done. – (On Sun. morning) Ah, but the day wasn’t exactly “done”. There were other things to be noted, none of which are on any importance really. SB had said something about wanting to put a “curtain” up on the one closet in the house, the one in the back bed-room, and so I cut the brown tarp I’d bought with the tent when I was at Fran’s, to fit into the door of the closet. It doesn’t look TOO good and it doesn’t look TOO shabby either. (The tarp was gotten to put over the tent on the nights when the dew was particularly heavy and I’d have been sleeping in the tent, in the back, by the brook, to get any sleep during the course of the night. Imagine this: Now I can get all the sleep I want or need… for no reason what-so-ever. Fuk me, eh?) Well, I try to make this place worth SB’s “brief visits”. None of the efforts are noticed and so, go unappreciated. But the fact is: I’m here… very much alone, therefore, I do it all for me. – The snows continued on into the night. The “meal” consisted of the one piece of jerk chicken left in the fridge and 2 tiny burgers, also done with jerk seasoning. I was only just that hungry and eat only just to get rid of any hunger I have and nothing more. My body’s in the same mode it was in the “Shelter Days”: no hunger, constant fatigue and just no real interest in the World at all. – I had a few brief notes with Nancy on Twtr for a while. When she said she was “signing-off” for the night, I was a bit sad. She’s the only real correspondence, conversation I have in an entire day. While we’re on-line, I have company, the comfort of knowing that I can still communicate with others. And then… silence again. Well, it’s not as if I’m not accustomed to this. It’s been most of my entire existence in this Creation. I believe I’ve summed it up perfectly in an e-mail I’d sent here this evening, when I thanked her for the gift of the gloves (that I can’t get over, because they ARE, with-out a doubt, the very best gloves I’ve had in years…):
” (Of course, there isn’t one damned hearing ear when I put in for prayers anymore… for good, bad or simply for the sake of hearing my mind talk. But I did put in for them. Maybe they’ll be like the first parcel you sent and arrive… one of these days. I can hope… Hope.) As I think about it, it was a great delight that the parcel arrived when it did. I’m not religious you know. It’s more about the “traditions” of the “People” that I follow. Well-enough versed in the
traditions and laws of the Jews, I don’t have any real belief in any god or God what-so-ever. Crutches and escape routes, the lot of them. But, on the off-chance that there is something in this bull-shit we call “Creation” that actually DOES give a shit one way or the other, or some remnant of the energies that are our ancestors, and that that
energy actually CAN and WILL bend the order of this magnificent chaos, I do put in a few requests (and often, demands) that some people get the Blessings, the “good stuff”, as it were. YOU, Dear Nancy, Dear Friend, Dear Wonderful You, are at the very top of that list (and believe me when I tell you that that list is painfully short.)”
– It’s all really unimportant anyway… unimportant. – After sign-off, I ventured round the Internet a bit. Received a brief from SB in response to an earlier message sent him about having seen him trudging through the snow and a slight reminder of his absent-minded assurance that he’d provide phone service “in the next couple of days”. I have to quote his reply for my own remembrance:
“Today was hell. Today I was worried about my heart. Chest hurt so bad, and stars in my eyes, and still hurts. Trying not to work myself up over this, but trying and doing are two different things. I have a hard time relaxing when everything seems to be unhinging.
And me not stopping by was my own fault. I’m such a piss poor mail carrier that I was over time. I ended up getting to teddy 2 hours late, soaking wet, stinking and sweaty and tired beyond description.”
In it’s entirety. Alas… – By round about half after mid-night, I ventured up the stairs to bed. Read a few more pages of the book and, as the snows continued to fall and swirl and accumulate, I drifted off to sleep at maybe 1.30 on Sunday morning.

Sun.23.Dec: 6.11 The snows continued through the night last night. The plow just came by moments ago and from the looks of it, there’s considerably more than the 15cm the weather forecast told of. And it’s still falling, lightly, but still falling. I have to ask myself this morning, why I am awake at this hour. The possibility of someone coming by to visit, or even to return to the house this morning, at this hour, is so remote that it’s non-existent, let alone, the probability of someone dropping by or returning to the house at all today is equally remote. No, I’m here and I tend to believe it will be that way for the day… perhaps the next couple of days. As for SB, I seriously doubt I’ll be seeing him any time until after Christmas. – These days have been interesting. When we first came here, in August, I looked at this house and thought how wonderful it would have been if I could have afforded to live here alone. Isn’t it strange that that very thing should happen? Indeed, that’s how it’s turned. Of course, I didn’t see me being rather trapped, no car, no cash, no phone. But, this is how Fate is: a miserably rotten prankster, always at the ready to slap the face, give one thing and rip 10 things away. I have to laugh though, when I think of how it would be if SB were in this position… alone, in this rather huge house. Well, to him it’s huge. I’ve really gotten so familiar with it in my solitude that it’s actually not much larger than a duplex box. And, interestingly, I’ve managed to become personally familiar with all the rooms: living-room, the 2 “bed-rooms” on the first floor, dining-room, kitchen, utility, even the cellar. I spend a lot of time traversing the stairs… the house has become “mine”, even to the point where, like this morning, I’m awake, having had my quick morning coffee and getting ready to go tend to the shovelling of the drive. By this time, I see SB having already had a break-down. Yes, I lived on the dunes on the beach, under a tree, in my youth, in the back of a VW and today, in a little Victorian house… 2km from the Québec border, in the snow. Now I lay me down to sleep… if I should die before I wake, fuk them all, I’ve come through one HELL of a LOT more than a person should be expected to handle and cope with. That’s my opinion, my attitude, my view of it all. I am living the life of an old Hermit here, not completely by choice, almost imposed. I am the “old man who lives in the rooms alone, who comes out only once in a while to shovel the drive, sweep the porch, check the mail”. It might be nicer if I cared. I don’t. – For this morning, just one note before getting on with the day: the fingers on my left hand are worse this morning. The pinky gives the sensation of being so swollen that it’s painful. But to look at it, it’s the same as it usually might be. The other fingers are just numbish-painful. I can’t say where the pain is or describe it in any way other than just as I have. It’s all very rather strange… and terribly uncomfortable. And obviously it’s not from the cold in the house because the house isn’t cold at all. Well, another thing to note and not give a shit about. And to that I say: “Bonojour”, because French is the language of thought this morning. – 13.21 Once again, the drive is cleared. Quite a bit of snow this time. But a bit of Country music and it just went by. Odd, this time, I resent having done it. First: Hilary said “I’ll pay YOU to shovel instead of some stranger in a truck who just comes in with a plow and shoves the snow to the edge.” That hasn’t happened. Second: I shovel and Silas doesn’t notice… even when he’s WALKED down the drive to the back door! Third: Neither of them seem to be aware of the money that I’ve saved them… 40$ for Hilary as of today and 20$ for Silas. You know? I mean to say: Fuk the both of them. I’ll do what I can, when I can and if anything negative is said… FUKKEM BOTH! And that’s my story. – Took a couple of pictures of me with the web-cam thing just now. Sent 2 to Nancy! Oh my! – And now it’s time for a bit of a bite to eat, a hot coffee, shower and some laundry (especially the laundry… something’s terribly wrong with my entire chemistry and I and my clothes are smelling quite sour). Too much info but… – 18.43 laundry done and I’ve showered. The house is in order. I ate (4 chicken patties with a bit of pasta sauce and cheese… I’ll be dying of thirst in short order). Out-side it’s gone dark and the snow is still steadily falling. In a bit, the drive will need attending again. And… this afternoon, a quick e-mail from Burton sent at 11.333:
“I’m gonna be home tonight. Get some rest before the route tomorrow. We shall see if the Pm will let me take my own vehicle out tomorrow. Most likely not. It’s gonna be hell – one last day of hell at least”
At this moment, I can, in all likelihood plan on him NOT being “home tonight”. And right now, I’m just beside myself with anger. Once again, lies. I’m tired of being lied to. I’m full to over-flowing with being lied to. It’s been one lie after another. Being told that something will be only to have it just dropped. I’ve reached the end of being lied to. I’ve done nothing to be deserving of all these lies over these months. And I’m sick, sick of being so disrespected. And tonight it’s finished. If I’m awake later, and there’s no word and no sign of him, there’ll be a message sent tonight, ending this farce. It’s done. There’ve been promises made and dropped. There’s been things told that never happened. Even to the recent: the phone card… never came. Today I’ll bet there was time to go travelling about Burlington and Williston and such. Walmart… but no. The other day it was the cigarettes. I got a Klondike bar. A lift to Burlington promised… never happened. A trip to the market… never happened. Keeping the house a bit cleaner… never happened. And right down to telling Hilary to KNOCK before coming in… never happened. OK then. Tonight it ALL stops. This is exactly like the time with Lou. Those days, it was coming home for dinner. I’d cook, clean the house, set the table, have dinner ready. And that night, I’d dump the entire dinner, from beginning to end, into a bucket, and when the dishes were done and put away, the bucket got emptied in the back woods. Christmas and decorating so that he’d have a holiday spirit in the house… and he’d leave in the morning and 3 days later, would drive up, as if all was well with the world. He’d been at the ex’s mother’s. My birthday that year, the promise of a lift to the market to go shopping when my car wasn’t running. I walked 50 miles, 25 to the market and 25 back with 4 shopping bags and a back-pack full of groceries. And that will NOT happen again! That’s all there is to it. THIS IS THE END! WAR! I DECLARE WAR! Burtons’ name is on the lease and he’s been in all sorts of anxieties because of his finances. I’ve been very supportive of him and used to be willing to help him in any way I could… Not any longer. He claims the landlord won’t let him out of the lease and will take him to court if he leaves, holding him to the balance of the lease. I could get him out of that… I won’t. He has financial troubles that I could help him with, to get his debts in order. He’s on his own. He’s alone now… this is my “holiday gift” to him. – And so, now? I’ll make my-self as comfortable as I can in this house for as long as I want to be here. I’ve given up space, time, energy and such. I’ve done everything I possibly could to be out of the way, to make the place a “home” so that he’d be comfortable here. The house, tonight, goes empty. – Journal 828

Sun.23.Dec:

I’d given up on Silas coming to the house. The sun had set. The house had gone dark. The day was, for all intents and purposes, done. I’d just gone into his room to get onto Twtr for a bit and to perhaps watch something or another on the Ntflx when he drove into the drive. I wasn’t happy to see him back primarily because it was already later evening and I’d gone through all the convincing my-self that he wouldn’t be coming. There’s also the fact that there was so much that was supposed to have been addressed today, like getting my phone back up, which was a major issue and something that he could have taken care of so quickly and easily and didn’t have to come all the way back up here. Add to this the e-mail about coming here to get some sort of “rest” before going to work tomorrow and… well… really, I wondered why he couldn’t make it to the house earlier and it bothers me all to hell that he obviously doesn’t want to be here. So? Aside from all else, I’m convinced that the ONLY reason he keeps coming here at all is because Don and Connie won’t let him out of the lease and he knows that they’ll go after him for the balance on it. So, since he has to pay rent here one way or another, I suppose he figures he may as well keep the lease and, obviously, the place isn’t empty and it’s maintained and being watched… I’m the grounds-keeper/house-boy. – OK. That all said… he comes in the kitchen door looking really rather pale and tired. What the hell he does in BTV that tires him so is none of my business and none of my concern any longer. Seriously? He shouldn’t have to come here to get any “rest”. His mommies should be seeing to it that he gets that there. He should be able to come here, relax and enjoy his house. But that too is none of my concern. BUT… what followed almost immediately was just not to be believed! – He handed me a blue bag (BestBuy) and said “Merry Christmas”. In the bag was a box that resembled a pizza box,but brown. When I took the box out and saw “Toshiba” on it, I almost… well… I just didn’t know what to do or say and I ceratinly coulnd’t believe what I was looking at and could not believe that he’d go and get a lap-top… NOT for ME! But he DID… A LAP-TOP! As he explained: I owe you for at least half of the oil you put into the tank and I owe you for so much more that you do around here. It’s more like a step up from a Net-book and I know you’d been looking at them. But this is a bit better than that.” As I tried to recover from the total shock he added “Now you can use it for all the thing you want and need to get done and maybe now you can even look into those tele-commuting jobs you’ve been talking about.” I was then and remain in total shock. He’s been all but sobbing over how deep in debt he is these days and now? He comes in with THIS? And of course, my first thought was that I have NO money, NO income and there’s NO way I could ever come close to the cost or the personal value of this! But he insisted that it has to do with the peace of mind he has now concerning the oil… not only for the house but that he won’t have to be thinking of me being here alone, dressed like I’m ready to head out the door, freezing in the house. Of course, I mentioned his finances to him and sure enough… more credit. But, he’s right about my needing this. Matter of fact, it was one of the first things PJ mentioned that I should get when I first arrived in VT. So! Here it is and I’m even journalling on it now. I shot a quick e-mail off to Nancy to tell her about it and to ask for her opinion on it. Of course, my first reaction was to try to give it back to him or to figure a way to return it to the store. No, I don’t feel I deserve it (but there’s that little bit in me that remembers Tony Muscle and the cell-phone, back in the Shelter: He truly needed a cell-phone and of course, couldn’t afford one. One day somebody inadvertently left one lying about and he’d found it… and of course, took it. When we talked about the incident, with no malice at all, he said, quite seriously “Sometimes Life gives you a break and God sees that you are truly in need of something. Today I needed this phone to get a job to get me out of here and God saw to it that I got that phone by making somebody else be forgetful. It’s a gift to me. I didn’t steal it, I just took what somebody else was forgetful enough to leave somewhere where I’d find it.” And truly, he didn’t steal the phone. And in my heart, I could see what he meant back then and I still can. I didn’t steal this lap-top, I didn’t do anything wrong to get it. I didn’t even ask for it, didn’t hint about needing it. And now, here it is. I still don’t feel “deserving”, but I’ve never really felt “deserving” of anything nice. So, tonight, I’ll wait and see what Nancy has to say. Indeed I do trust her opinion and point of view. – So, since it was two of us in the house tonight and I’ve gotten to a point where I do enjoy his company when he’s here (sickening though, I feel as if he’s a “guest” when he comes in… since I’m the one who has every bit of the maintenance responsibility of this place now… cleaning, snow removal, oil, electric and plumbing repairs, &c. and all he needs to do is write cheques), he, of course, began throwing things together to eat (not a prob) and ended up in his room, on the computer, and searched through for a movie to watch. Tonight it was animé. Hey, I wasn’t paying much attention to what was on his computer… I was too busy bringing the lap-top up to where I’d gotten his desk-top, with the little extras in “Free-ware” (the lap-top didn’t come with MS Office installed, nor PhotoShop and that sort of thing so….?). – In a conversation we were having, I happened to mention something about the phone service, expecting to hear something about ‘I’ll get to that during the week’ or something about finances being prohibitive BUT… YET ANOTHER SHOCK TO MY GUT! IMMEDIATELY, and with-out even a mention, he got up, went to his computer and went directly to the payment page for the phone! When he’d gotten to the payment page he asked me to come, put in the info that was required and… SILAS HELPED ME BY PAYING THE PHONE! Honestly? I’m so deeply appreciative that I can’t express it. But… I wonder: when will this come to kick me in the face? And I do know it will. But for now, at least I don’t have to worry about the weather on Thursday and worry about having to drive into St.A. for the unemployment interrogation. Today has been a day where the expression ‘Will wonders never cease?’ is TRULY applicable! And me? I’m here, thankful beyond words, in a quandary, feeling un-derving, and wondering how to re-pay the kindnesses. (No doubt, the opportunity to do so will present… soon enough.) – As we settled in for the night, I got busy on learning this new lap-top, he bundled under his covers and in short order, Silas was asleep… – One thing that struck me as rather interesting in a way is: He asked me if I’d follow him, in his car, tomorrow when he delivered on his route. He’s terrified of getting stuck on the road, in the snow. The route brings him into those “dead zones” where there’s no cell service and because he’d gone off the road before and had to go to someone’s house to ask if he could use their phone to call for help, he’s gone all “gun shy” about it. Personally, I don’t quite understand why it bothers him so much, but the fact is that he’s still not realy adjusted to this “new life” he has, in the North Country where things like that will happen. Well, of course I’d be more than willing to help him. That’s just the way I am. Besides, it will get me out of the house for a while and I’ll get to “see America” and where his route is and why it takes so damned long to deliver mail to a relatively small town. I agreed! (And it gives me something to look forward to as well, on a day that would other-wise simply be “occupied” with “things” to do. It breaks the tedium.) Silly youngster… him. – It was quite the day! Quite the day indeed!

Mon.24.Dec: It was almost 1.30 by the time I got up from the chair in Silas’ room and headed up the stairs to bed, leaving the animé running and his light on. A bit of reading and at 2.00 it was “lights out” for me at last! The snow was still falling, lightly, as I lay me down to sleep and I knew that meant having to get up early enough to get the drive cleared before it was time to leave. The plan for this morning was to drop him at the office, wait for him to get into the postal truck and then meet some-where and follow. No trouble for me. And having to clear the drive of snow in the morning is something I’m rather accustomed to anyway… ah, the memories of Roosa Gap when, before even trying to get out of the drive, I’d have to be up as early as 3.00 to begin the shovelling. THAT made it all the MORE WONDERFUL for me! – I’d set the alarm for 5.30 and sure enough, at 5.30 it woke me. I looked out the window to do a “damage check” and thankfully, there wasn’t all that much snow. So I laid in bed for a bit and when the plow came through, I got up (round about 6.00), threw me together and headed out the door, iPod on and away I went, clearing the place up. Amazingly, by 7.00 I was done! and it was time to get Mr. off to the office. I did as planned, dropped him at the office and returned to the house to wait. – HEY! It was like old days: the truck that was to bring the mail to the office got stuck some-where on the road and was LATE! Instead of getting the call from Silas at about 9.00 to say he was en route, I got the call telling me about the truck and, of course, I understood and agreed to wait.(I had things to do anyway… especially with the new lap-top and all). It must have been about 11.00 when, instead of calling to say he was leaving the office, he showed-up out front. I threw me together and was off in his car, to tag along, up an over the back roads and the dirt roads, into the hinter-lands of Richford! Hurray! I was looking forward to this little adventure for several reasons, not the least, the chance to get out of the house AND to DRIVE! – WELL! IT WAS MAGNIFICENT! Up and o’er the back-roads, a veritable Winter Wonderland! Rolling hills, white roads, just WINTER all round! I followed and learned and took pictures! MANY pictures. The land-scape out-side of the “Town” is just inspiring and breath-taking. This IS a beautiful state. Too bad some of the people here are absolute turds. – Well, as predicted, and rather as expected, Mr. California DID manage to get him-self stuck! It came as no particular surprise to me. In fact, it rather looked intentional. But I always remember that he got his license here, in Vermont, where the driving habits are amazingly stupid and ridiculous. The rules and regulations and the habits all but defy common sense and logic. And he follows right along with them… not on a “legal” term, but just on the nonsensical line. It’s not a “fault”; it’s just a fact and well, it’s where he learned and is learning. God help him! Anyway, I tried to do what I could to get him out of the situation with-out being intrusive. He decided to call for a tow. IT TOOK ALMOST AN HOUR BEFORE THE TRUCK CAME TO HELP HIM! And all the while, all I could think about was: Had I not been there, he’d be sitting in that cold metal box of a piece of shit they call an “LLV”, alone on the road, in the cold. JeezUS Kriste! He called it VERY well indeed! So… the truck comes, the PMR comes, the truck gets him out of the snow and suggests he’s OK to get along again. He decided to take HIS car instead so I followed him back to the office where he dropped the LLV and I got to drive about the country-side whilst he popped mail into the boxes! You know? It was truly wonderful and great fun passing the day with him. And all along the route, I kept snapping photos of the land-scape (partly for me, but mostly to send along to Nancy… shots of mountains and snow and the NORTH!) A shame, really, that it had to be under these conditions and circumstances. But I really did enjoy being with Silas today. The VERY WORST part of it was that, when we’d done the rural, he still has to do the city route… and that was on foot! SHIT! These are the parts of the postal job that nobody is aware of and when they whine and bitch about shit about their mail being delivered late, I want to just go door-to-door, in person, and punch people directly and squarely in the face! – When, at almost 16.30 we’d done the rural, he dropped me at the house saying he’d be back later. I got out, came in, all in a great mood and mind-set, got to getting the house together so that he’d be comfy when he got in. I had no doubt he’d NEED to thaw and change into dry clothes and would be hungry. And preparing a place for him to do just that was, for me, such a pleasure. – Well… it got to be later and later, darker and darker. At about 18.00 I heard the sounds of the fire trucks coming by as I sat in my room, working with the lap-top and being convinced that Silas had returned to BTV. He was supposed to bring a pack of smokes and so, I figured he’d just let that go and headed back to his mommies’. The sirens and horns? WELL! I looked out the window, into the night streets to find: several trucks and an ambulance and some other cars were parading about the streets… ALL BE-DECKED WITH LITTLE “CHRISTMAS” LIGHTS! I HAD to laugh! If I hadn’t been in such a miserable mood, believing I’d been abandoned and deserted yet again, I’d’ve taken pictures of it all. I mean… REALLY! The things these people will do to entertain and amuse them-selves… to decorate trucks and cars with holiday lights and parade round the town. Welcome to Vermont… Welcome back to the North Country. It was, in its own right, amusing, I suppose. – Just to check and see if I was to be spending the next week or more alone, I sent a text to Silas, asking if he was still out delivering. No reply. So I called. From the quiet on the phone, it sounded like my suspicions were correct and that he was in BTV. But it was about 18.30 or a bit later when, to my utter amazement, he walked in! Cold, tired, exhausted, wet, snowy. My heart broke for him. He DOES work his nuts off for this job and all he gets in return is a lousy cheque and NO appreciation and threats from that brain-dead moron the USPS installed as the PM in that office. Makes me wanna go over there and punch HER in the face! – ANYway… Thankfully I’d had the good sense to pick up 2 frozen pizzas when we last went to market and I suggested he pop one into the oven to have something to eat. I thought he was going to head right to BTV tonight, it being Christmas Eve and all. He did put the pizza in the oven and then… ANOTHER SHOCK! He decided to STAY tonight! (I know, it sounds like a part-time lover thing but… Fukkit! It’s nice when he’s here… in the house he’s paying rent on. And it’s nice to have the company for me of late… I’ve been spiralling, out of control, into a deep abyss of depression these days and having him here postpones that. It has nothing to do with the holidays… I can’t explain it, really, but it’s miserable, and really quite painful. Nobody who’s never experienced it could understand, but all I can say is that it’s palpable right down to the cellular structure level… Pain.) He had a slice of pizza and something he’d bought out-side for himself and then said he wanted to go into Hannaford’s! So-o-o-o-o… “On with the boots back out in the snow to the only all-night gro-cer-y”… well, not all-night, but… We were off to Enosburgh, Christmas Eve. (Yes, it did cross my mind that there might not be a snow-ball’s chance in Hell that it would be open tonight… and of course, I was right… but didn’t know until we’d gotten there… still…) – I have to note, for me in particular, something that Silas said en route: We talked about our time here, in this beautifully land-scaped State of general bull-shit and malcontent in-breeds and he made an excellent point which is… We came here expecting to accepted; for the most part and in general, the people truly are sweet (all maple syrup, as he calls it) and kind; that being the fact, when one person is truly nasty, it’s unexpected and thus, it hurts more, deeper and does more damage. He’s right! Precisely right! – Well… we got to Hannaford’s and as I’d rather feared, at 20.10, the place was deserted! It’s a wake-up call to remind that we’re not in a metropolis any longer and, just like the days in Connecticut with Moe and Ev: it’s about this Catholic/Christian bull-shit here in New England! Fukking, bloody, in-bred hypocrites, the lot! Fukking typical though. It was a bit of a disappointment to both of us. (But to me, it wasn’t all that bad… I was enjoying the HELL out of having Silas’ company tonight!) So… back into town, a stop at Wetherby’s service station and out he comes with… TWO PINTS of Ben&Jerry’s ice cream (and a pack of cigarettes… bless him). And back “home” we went to settle in and watch “Bad Santa”. Me? Since Silas actually wanted cheese-cake (the purpose of the trip into Enosburgh), I tried my hand at making something to go with the ice cream. There was a tin of yams in the cupboard, sugar, a few eggs and some flour and such. So? I got to making a sweet-potato pie! Hey! Bottom line: to my absolute amazement, it turned out pretty good! Unfortunately, as it cooked, Silas ate a whole pint of ice cream! But the time the baking was done, he wasn’t hungry at all. Oh well… at least it’s here. – The night went along. The movie was amusing and the poor kid, all bundled up under his comforters and such, drifted off into sleep. – Strange note: He reminds me so much of Lou that it isn’t funny. And when he puts a movie on and drift off to sleep, I get the same feeling of calm I used to get when I’d lay in bed, Lou there beside me, and I’d wait until I heard him snore… then, knowing he was asleep, I could allow myself to go to sleep as well, but not until I was sure Lou was sleeping. I do the same thing with Silas, when I see that he’s sleeping, I get up quietly and go to my room, with a feeling of calm satisfaction that he’s sleeping… at last. – There I left him… on this Christmas Eve in Vermont… in… Vermont.. the two of us “foreigners”, us “flatlanders”… Christmas Eve…

Tue.25.Dec: 2.08 just getting to bed again. Christmas. Before coming up, I lit a little candle in the living-room, a little “light” on this night, and a little prayer in my heart that the light of that little candle bring with it, a little light to Silas’ life and may it take away his anxieties. Yes, he’s made mistakes and yes, he’s FAR from where I was at his age in maturity and such. But that doesn’t mean, in the least, that he should be anything but happy. And tonight, he’s SO worried that my helping him on the route today will be used against him. Frankly, I DARE that little bitch to try something! SHE puts him into situations where she KNOWS she’s in violation. Let her TRY something! I’ll be right there to attend! – 10.20 Silas just left only moments ago and would you believe? I’m just coming off a break-down. Really. A break-down. I couldn’t watch the car pull out of the drive and yet I saw it from the corner of my eye and my chest collapsed. The suffocation was god-awful tremendous! I couldn’t stand it! I walked toward the living-room and stood, in the door-way between the living and dining and suddenly and uncontrollably the howl-like grown welled up and forced itself out of my lungs. The house suddenly went LARGE and EMPTY and frightening. I was lost in here. Lost! I couldn’t find the room, I could see the walls but I couldn’t feel them, I couldn’t perceive their actuality. I sobbed again, only this time it was worse than ever before. This time I’m feeling the actuality of being ALONE! EMPTY and ALONE! When I asked Silas when he’d be back he replied “Fuck if I know… I’ll play it by ear. Thursday maybe.” Maybe. Not a very long time between today and Thursday… maybe. But I’m alone and for the first time, I’m afraid of being alone. I don’t like it anymore. I don’t like it. I don’t’ want to be alone with me. There’s the thought of having to walk 10 miles to get to the next town where there’ll be people and places. And having to walk 10 miles back. There’s the thought of having no money at all in case I run out of something that I need. Today, there’s no milk in the house. There’s some food and I can get SOME more tomorrow right here in town. But the nearest real market is 10 miles away. I don’t have enough gas in the car to drive 20 miles. And I can’t get any more gas. I’m alone and I don’t like it. I’m afraid to play any music because of memories that might come rushing in on me. They’re painful lately… the memories. The good and the bad. Painful and frightening! That’s just about the crux of it all: I’m actually afraid… I don’t want to “hurt” anymore and that’s all I feel now is “hurt”… just hurt. And I don’t’ want to breathe because that too hurts. And nobody knows. Nobody sees this. Nobody sees the vulnerable me. And even if they could, they wouldn’t care. I’m cold, this house feels so cold, and empty and alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. It’s HUGE and EMPTY and ALONE! And I’m afraid. And nobody knows. – 10.36 A large part of the problemme this morning is that my room smells like something very similar to “Old Spice”! I don’t’ now why but I’m about to find out. This can’t happen and I won’t allow it! I’m too old for this childish bull-shit and besides, that bastard-prick is DEAD! IF his spirit is ANYwhere about this house, he’ll be THRUSTED INTO HELL if I have ANYthing to say about it! (How odd: I remember the morning, YEARS ago, at 95 Wall, getting onto the lift to the office and suddenly feeling SO TERRIFIED! There was no reason for it… as much as I knew. But I HAD to get OUT of that lift… QUICKLY! It wasn’t until about 2 hours later, when I got back into that same lift, going for my cigarette, that I realised: Somebody had gotten on with me and he was wearing “Old Spice”! It was the old man! and the very scent of that shit sent my unconscious mind reeling! FUK! And here, today, the SAME SHIT! Now you tell ME that THAT’S not PURE TERRORISATION !) BUT… There’ll be no dark places today. The blinds will be open and I’m going to find the source of that fragrance. And I’m going to get it OUT of here! Music will play and I will NOT be sitting quietly. I NEED to get this OUT of MY BODY and MY MIND! I NEED to take control of MY life at last! – 22.21 I really should be getting into bed. Why? No particular reason other than lack of sleep the past couple of days. There’s nothing on the agenda for tomorrow, so it doesn’t really matter one way or the other when or even IF I wake in the morning. But, quite frankly, I’ll go to bed tonight with the same prayer: Now I lay me down to sleep and don’t wake me up ever again. Amen. – But it was a REMARKABLE DAY! I GOT TO TALK WITH NANCY! DAMN! THAT WAS MAGNIFICENT! Strangely enough, it only took about 2 minutes and we were all into conversation, just as if we’d been talking with each-other for as long as we’ve been Twting. And she said something that I’ve felt even back in the Shelter days: We’re “family”. For me, I’d have to capitalise that: “Family”. She actually IS the ONLY “Family” I feel I have now. She’s both, Friend and Family, and today’s phone chat only convinced me of that. She saved me. She actually saved me. The depression that struck this morning was truly just about a bit more than I could possibly handle. It was intense, brutal. But talking with her relieved so very much of it. When we’d finished talking, just short of an hour, and the house went quiet again and I stood there, facing the reality of an empty house and the general depression that lingered, our talk gave me some kind of renewed energy and I went into full swing! All the papers that were strewn on Silas’s floor got organised a bit, the wash went into the machine (2 loads today… all his shit), I started to eat (and hardly took a moment to stop eating whilst doing all sorts of other things). Essentially, there was quite the turn-round. Had Nancy and I not spoken, I have no idea what would have become of this day. Today, I didn’t have the energy or the will to fight off any of the bleakness. So, yes, Nancy did save me. (I’d done a little video-thing when the depression hit. I don’t know if I’ll save it on the lap-top or delete it yet. But it was just me… sobbing, uncontrollably. Even in my nervousness about doing the video, which I did mainly as a distraction, I just kept breaking-down in tears. So that’s what kind of day THIS fukking Christmas was.) – And now, I need to catch-up a bit on the past several days. Tonight there’s more reason to be thankful and rejoice in the day than there is to be soaring into the darkness of depression: I’ve been VERY blessed with GREAT gifts… Nancy, my Family and Friend; Silas who, in spite of his own neuroses and psychoses, is providing this house, a place of silence and serenity over-all, and certainly a shelter against the elements, a place where I can… CAN lay down at the end of a day, in quiet and calm and don’t have to worry about being molested, beaten, or brutally awakened through the night. I AM “blessed”… I WILL be punished for this… I KNOW that to be a fact. It’s the lot that was drawn for me… at the moment of my conception. But you know what? I’ll fuk this Creation royally, before I leave it. I most certainly will! – Happy Fukking Bloody Christmas! BULL-SHIT!

Wed.26.Dec: 6.46 Don’t ask why I’m awake. I just woke up, on my own. Decided to just get up and out of bed. Why not? Eh? Boxing Day 2012… big fukking bloody deal. – 7.57 I’m catching up with this journal and noticed that there’s a distinct “snap” in the air in the house this morning. So, I just looked out the window… it LOOKS brisk out there! So I checked the local weather on-line? MINUS 18 DEGREES! HOLY FUKKING SHIT! (That’s just a little bit below absolute ZERO FARENHEIT… Oddly enough, zeroC makes sense in my head, as does -18, but zeroF? For some reason it just… well, it just doesn’t make sense. I’ll have to step out the door to check this. Imagine? Metric. My brain honestly won’t comprehend anything but that this morning.) It was supposed to only be minus 7 for the “lowest” last night! WINTER in the North Country is HERE! (Thankfully, there’s just over a half tank of oil for heat! Of course, the thermostat is set at about 60F. But that’s a FAR cry from the out-door temperature. And you know? I’m rather relieved that Silas won’t have to be at work today. It’d make me a bit crazy thinking of him trudging along in this cold… poor little guy… from “Cali”. There are blessings bestowed e’en at this early hour of morn.) – Okee dokey. 10.12 already! I can’t believe the morning’s flying by so quickly! And I’m finally caught-up with this Journal! And it’s bloody COLD in here! In spite of the boiler being set at 16C which should be quite warm enough, and the little heater going beside me, I’m in my room where the temperature is 17C at the window, 19C at the desk and yet, my fingers are all but numb from cold and my knees are stiff from cold. Last check, moments ago: -17C in the great out-of-doors. It’s a fukking-cold one this morning. But I have to admit, I’m rather enjoying it. THIS IS THE NORTH COUNTRY! AND I’M HERE IN IT! – The “city” LLV just went up the block on Richard and it gave me a bit of a smile… and yet, a bit of heart-ache. If what he suspects is fact, there’ll be no more Silas in Richford to deliver the mail. Sad, in a way. But if Shelburne will give him joy (May That Be So), better for him and, in turn, better for me, that I get to know that he’s happy at last. – Well, the radio is on, for the first time in WEEKS! They’re FINALLY stopping the “Christmas” shit and on to the “annual count-down” of top hits. And me? I’m dressed, have had 2 tap-coffees and am trying to decide what, if anything, I’ll have for a light breakfast this morning. There’s really nothing “breakfast” in the house. I was fretting over not being able to get out of here and to Hannaford’s today because there’s so much ice on the roads out of town. But I CAN get down the street to Mac’s (it will always be Mac’s in my mind now). And there are FoodStamps, so I won’t go totally hungry. Just enough to carry me until the 1st. So… we’re OK. The only thing: I think I’m looking at an 8-hour stroll at some point, into Sutton. THIS is NO time for me to be with-out cigarettes! I only smoke just less than a half-pak (10) per day now, I’m feeling it too… not comfy at all… rather painful at present in a great many ways. I have just enough for a pack… but only Canadian. So I have no choice in the matter but to cross the border. Shame… nothing closer than Sutton here… 8 miles North. But what else is so pressing that I can’t put in the time to walk?And I just realised something: IF I maintain my normal pace of 5mi/hr, I can be in Sutton in just about 2 hours! Get cigarettes and be back in the house in about 4-5 hours. I’ve been thinking 4 hours each way! STOOPIT! Hey! Things are looking better all the time! I’m doing rather well. Now, to get rid of the damned chill in this house and get busy. Since it’s been a few days since my last post to the on-line Journal, I’ll post this much now. – OH! I’ve started to put the NYC8539266 Journal into some kind of “book” format! Reminiscing about the “Rector Park Lady”… how vivid those memories are to-day. And that was about 1974! Alzheimer’s sets in, no doubt. – 10.30 and… ON WITH BOXING DAY! – 22.13 Well, this day is done and it’s been a busy one. I don’t know how I do it, but every day I find something to do to keep me occupied almost every single second. I know why: avoidance. Nothing more and nothing less. In spite of it though, I do manage to get the moments when the anxieties strike. And when they do, they do so very hard lately. Painfully. And I don’t just use that term for dramatic effects. It actually IS painful. Again today, right in the chest. Knife-like. Between that and the dead fingers on the left hand… But I finally got the up-stairs hall looking a lot better. I didn’t re-install the closet. I won’t be doing that. But it’s neater. And I hit my room at last. That’s not finished yet. There’s more to be done. And it’s beginning to look cluttered. I don’t like that very much. But it’s more to work on tomorrow. Always looking for those things that will ever finish. – And it was a quiet day too. No phone. No business e-mails. No people. I’m home alone… very much alone. No Hilary. No Wally. Just me and “Victoria”. She’s a delight for the odd noises here and there. But not much for conversation. The radio was on all day. Safe! No more Christmas music! Just the count-downs of the year. That’s helping me get more music for the iPod. One of these days, when I lay me down beneath the trees of HOME, it’ll come in quite handy. – Let’s see: Oh, I put about 20 seeds into a jar. Seeds from the oranges Nancy sent. The oranges were so badly bruised by the time they arrived that they’d begun to go bad. I did manage to salvage about one from the good parts of the 3. And YAY! SEEDS! I remember Joyce and I had several little grapefruit trees I’d grown from seed. I hope these will take well. It would be nice to have the little trees… from Nancy. – If the weather permits, tomorrow I’ll take that stroll up to Sutton for cigarettes. It’s supposed to be -5 for the high and cloudy, with a slight chance of snow. If it’s cloudy, it’ll be warmer and more suitable for a leisurely stroll. I’m sorry Silas won’t be with. But I’ll be able to “Parles avec les gens” and not feel uncomfortable or feel I should translate. And I’ll get to go HOME for a while… alone. I wish I could make it to Montréal and Laval and Mascouche. But those days will come… if I survive this. – Right now, I’m having “Nighty Night” tea. I had some last night before bed. I don’t know that it helped, but I don’t know that it didn’t. So… again… tonight… Tomorrow I have to be about my wits. There’s a telephone interview with “Chomage” (Unemployment) and I’m sure they’re going to get the full edge of my wrath. How odd: these days, I’m prepared to be worse with these Vermonters than I’d ever been with ANYbody in NYC. And I look forward to lashing out and lashing into whom-ever happens to be stupid enough to answer that phone. I am NOT a “Vermonter”, have NO intention of becoming one and will NOT be associated with them. I gave them a year. They made me more miserable than I’ve ever been in all my adult years. Now, since I’m here for the foreseeable duration, I intend to leave a very deep and eternal mark on all of them. And it won’t be a heart with our initials carved into it. Although, my name will be carved into their hearts… eternally. – That said, it’s time to wind-down. – Oh, Silas sent an e-mail: one line… the log-on for Netflix. Sweet. I’ll try and see if this lap-top will handle it. It won’t handle down-loads for music, I found today. Ah well. It handles typing and that’s most important. Tomorrow I’ll see if I can’t hook it into the printer down-stairs. WOW! All this “wire-less” technology! – On that note, I close and post.

Thu.27.Dec: 7.01: Again, this morning, I wake with-out the alarms. Interesting. This morning, I didn’t get to sleep until almost 2.00. At 23.00, Silas phoned; he needed his banquing info. Ironic that I’d just put all those strewn papers in semi-order and could grab the info immediately. Then, when we got cut off, he rang back. I tried to ring him back when that call got cut but to no avail. – Meanwhile, the lap-top was fukking about: dropping the WiFi connection and re-starting itself repeatedly. So I tried to figure that out for a bit and finally gave up, powered it down and went to bed… for some reading. – What’s interesting is that, just as the weather report had forecast, 1.00 and the snow began! And it came down quite heavily! But, at 1.00, there’s nothing that can be done about that so I just put out the light, watched it for a moment or two and the next thing I know? It’s now and here I am. And the snow is still falling, the drive has all but disappeared, the Town’s been past once and the next-door neighbour’s drive is being plowed as I type. Me? I’ll go out out there after this morning’s telephone encounter with unemployment. In the first place, I know Silas won’t be attempting to come back today, so I needn’t have the drive cleared for him. Second, I don’t much give a shit whether Hilary comes in or not and if she does, I don’t much care whether she can make it into the drive or even to her steps. She refuses to respect me, and I shalln’t go out of my way to be considerate of her. So, no such. – Only two things bother me today: (1) This snow will make a trip to the market a bit on the rough-n-ready side, but there IS “stuff” to be eaten here so I certainly won’t starve to death. (2) Unless Mayhews is open and they take $CDA, there’ll be no smokes in the house in a bit and I won’t be making that little adventure into Sutton today. Withdrawal. And at a time when that’s not really in my best interest, what, with all the anxiety attacks of late. Yes boys and girls, we’re looking at a most interesting sort of day ahead. Ah well, I keep telling me: I’ve been through a LOT worse. This too shall pass. And other cliché. – So, on that note… it’s “On With The Day”! KADIMA! – And let’s see what this lap-top has in store for us today. Tah bloody dah. – Well OK then, here it is, Friday morning, 3.45 and time to play “Catch-up!” And so we shall. – All said, it really turned into a rather nice sort of day, and considering the great things that happened, a highly unusual day for me. – I worked on this Journal for the better part of the morning, dreading the phone call from “Chomage” and prepping myself, mentally, for needing to go all “NYC” on this place, this… State. Well, at 10.03 didn’t the call come through. (I have to add here that by this hour, the snow was so high that the plow had only passed once, very early this morning… even the town gave up on trying to keep up with the snow-fall today! So, had I not had the phone this morning? None of what’s to follow would have happened because there was honestly NO way that I would have been able to get into St.A.. None at all! This morning, Friday, the severity of the matter is really hitting me. Silas will never know just what a wonderful favour he did by covering the phone this month. The boy saved a Soul… and I mean that in many ways. This old soul is all but broken now. I have no compunction to fight for much at all. But that little thing put a spark back. I’m thankful, and yet, bitter about it. But the bitterness comes every day… because I wake up! But, back to Thursday…) First of all, I’m still rather shocked as all Hell that the damned phone worked! That, in and of itself is a miraculous error for which someone at the phone company should be and probably will be severely punished. I mean… to provide ME with phone service and at a critical time? OH NO! But not only did the call come through, the connection lasted for as long as was necessary! Imagine THAT, if you will! So, as the snow fell, and accumulated, and I sat at Silas’ computer, the wonderful woman from the Chomage office interrogated. But in the most delightful manner! She was a GEM! Seems TeddyBear simply reported… rather immediately too… that I had a “start date” of 29 Novembre! BUT, they never reported that to me (Vermont! Typical Vermont.) and they never reported that I never started! (Again, typical Vermont.) WHAT A RELIEF! Here I’d been thinking that somebody else was sitting there, working, as me, and that I was about to be hammered by the Fed once again for this shit! When I explained it to the nice woman, she assured me that she knew about the hirings at VTB because SHE had come to VT 10 years ago… from NJ! and HER first job here was… VTB! Well SHIT! It’s rather cute, in it’s own respect, but, being a NYer, there’s never been much “love” between the 2 States of NY and NJ, however, put us into THIS State and there’s suddenly a “Camaraderie”! Even though she’s part of the “Montpelier” bit of this State, we’re both “from away” (as these idiots put it) and we’re both from “not here” (again, as these idiots put it) which pulls us together into a particular group, separate from those who surround us. She told me not to worry, and then confirmed that HISC was contacted… but what she THEN told me just about knocked me off the chair: TWO PAYMENTS HAD BEEN POSTED TO MY ACCOUNT! I’VE BEEN COLLECTING FOR TWO WEEKS! WHAT? I’d figured that, whilst they did their investigating, I wouldn’t be receiving any payments. Also, according to the info I’d already received, direct deposit takes at least 2 pay cycles and that I should receive 2 paper cheques before it kicks in. Apparently, that did not happen because immediately after our chat, I checked my account and SURE AS SHIT! THERE WERE THE PAYMENTS! I’VE BEEN SITTING HERE WITH MONEY IN THE BANQUE, DIVING DEEPER AND DEEPER INTO A BLACK HOLE FOR NO REASON! Well, OK then. It just made the reception and the realisation all the more appreciated when I saw that there was enough in the account to (a) put a nice dent in the coming electric bill or (b) cover another delivery (MUCH NEEDED) of heating oil! Not to mention, I can now get the toiletries that I truly am in need of! The morning took a turn so sharp that my insides spun round. THIS shit jut doesn’t supposed to happen to me. But here it was! (Of course, I DO expect the marvels of this day to be ripped from me, in due course, and removed or negated accordingly. But until that time comes…) So, that matter settled, I got into this snow-covered, snow-bound day with a bit of vigour. – I need a calendar for the coming months (fuk the coming year… I don’t even think in terms of that length any more) and so, since the lap-top can’t handle tables and such in regular documents (I recall my old lap-top couldn’t either… strangely enough) and I was at THE computer, I put together the months Jan-June 2013 with delightful images of… MONTRÉAL! found on-line. And printed the pages. A little task, completed. – The snows just kept falling and accumulating. (Silas told me later this evening that the reports were that it had been falling at a rate of 2inches/hour and I can tell you that I believe it was!) The sight was SO wonderful, sitting there, looking out the window, that it inspired: I’d wanted to try this whole “web-cam” shit thing… just to learn a new technology, so… I put the camera up on the window blinds, went into Youtube, found Bob and Doug McKenzie (m’boys! eh?) and, sure to shit, actually made a bit of a video of the snow falling… view across Church and up Richard… with “Take Off!” playing in the back-ground! WooHoo Me! I immediately sent a copy to Nancy (poor deprived Nancy… no snows to be seen down there… “down there”) and a copy to Silas. Silas has been doing the “Doo-oo doo-doo-doo…” bit from that song for the past 2 weeks or so. He doesn’t know it but, every time he does it, it brings back such warm and wonderful memories for me: TJ and I used to refer to the McKenzies and that song with our own Love for “The Great White North”… Him, from Kazabazua, and me, the “Montrealer”… Both of us in NYC with hearts in Québec! And every time Silas does the “Doo-oo &c.” I recall how, when the Seps took over the province, TJ and I talked about the possibility of Civil War and that, no matter where the World put us, we’d both meet again, on the frontier of Québec, armed and defending our “Home-land”… Québec. So, as the video rolled and the tune played on, my own tears fell quietly… and I got to roam through more fond memories… as the snows fell outside my window… here… 2km from… “The Great White North” of HOME. – Next line of business: Get the Hell out of the house! The snows were piling, I needed food and cigarettes and, fuk me… I’ve been sitting in this house, alone, rather stranded, slamming my body into walls, worried to the marrow of my bones for weeks… NOW I’m going to treat me, fukkall… Tonight I shall, after attending to the drive-way, to a drink! To sit back, perhaps give a little heat to the house and relax! Irresponsible, immature, sophomoric and, if all goes well… shit-faced. – It was about 15.00 when, to paraphrase the Waitresses: “On with the boots, back out in the snow to the only” local grocery…It was pure delight, walking down Town St. toward the river, in snow that, by now had accumulated to well above ankle-deep and approached the lower shin! and was still coming down hard and fast. The river was full of slush, rushing past under the bridge. The town was full of those few stoics who ventured out with plows on the front of their pick-ups and a few shovellers, trying to ward-off the onslaught of this Winter “storm”. First port of call: the banque and a modest withdrawal. Next? The gas station/variety store/liquor store. (Only in VT: A DWI will all but kill a person and one’s future of driving any-where on Earth AND prohibit one for a life-time from entering Canada, BUT the service station is where alcoholic beverages are sold in this haemorrhoidal State… Fukkups! The very lot of them.) A small bottle of vodka, delightful chat with the town-folk about such topics as “Cabin Fever” and the fact that, at last, the temperatures are tolerable and… Next, a stop at the market for “essentials” (with the meagre FoodStamps I had on the card). Essentials only because that market is, for all intents and purposes, a waste of space and time. But it does provide the basics and that’s what I got. Loaded with 5 bags of “nothing”, back onto the streets, a quick stop at Mayhew’s for smoke and TO THE HOUSE for a quick stop and a coffee! – OK! That much accomplished, it was time to be “responsible” and attack the drive. Why? I truly can’t say, considering Silas won’t be coming up any time too soon, so HE won’t be needing access to the drive. Hilary? I seriously doubt she’ll be any-where close to the house any time too soon. Besides, if she does come along, I don’t much give a shit whether she can get into the drive. But something inside me urges me along to get out there and get the snow off the drive. So I bundled me and OUT THE DOOR TO ATTACK! – Stupid, really. I waited very much too long. Thankfully, the snow is dry, so the knee-deep snow wasn’t TOO difficult to shovel. But, the combination of insufficient sleep, and really, insufficient eating of late, I had only just enough energy to get from the street to the back door cleared. But, I was satisfied with that much. Besides, the snow was still falling at an incredible rate and now, the winds were blowing in from the N.E. and causing drifts… and it was getting dark. So, the shovel and broom came back to the porch and I came into the house to thaw and figure what I’d do for tonight’s “dinner” thing. – I have to admit, I was feeling rather “light of spirit” at this juncture, in spite of the deadness of my left hand, that’s getting progressively worse and made for a bit of difficulty with the shovelling but what the fuk do I care? It got done. And feeling less stressed for a change was so welcome. – A note? I haven’t heard a word from Silas all along but, shortly after I’d sent the e-mail with video, and just as I was beginning the shovelling, the phone rings and a message is left “I’m worried about you.” Yup. Right. Had I not sent the e-mail, you’d never have given me a thought. Honestly! It’s insulting how stupid people think I really am. But, it makes no matter to me. Think what they will… It’s not important at all… in the least. – Of course, there was a message from Nancy… Doodoo-doo-doo! SO FUNNY! SO WELCOMED! DEAR NANC! – Well, the day turned to the Winter’s early evening, the sky got dark and it was rather time to eat something (only out of necessity and for no other reason). Eggs and cheese on tonight’s menu. That done, I was motivated to shower and make a wash of my own tonight. Imagine that! But, not only just that… HAIR-CUT TOO! So this evening, the dishes all got tossed into the dish-washer, I went up to the loo and luxuriated in a “Shelter cut” (just buzzed the hair down with the trimmer attachment instead of my usual, careful trimming… Almost similar results but much quicker and easier.) quick and easy. Next: me into the shower and clothes into the washer and start the dishes and… pour a drink, settle-down to Twtr and call the day “done”! It was only about 19.00 but, it being Winter, I felt more like 23.00. Still, it wound-down to a pleasant evening with plans to finish the drive tomorrow. Plans for the following day. – Just as I was getting ready to settle-in, the phone rings. Silas calling. Says he, a large part of Shelburne is with-out electric tonight, the snow is coming at a rate of 2 inches/hour and he’s “worried” about me being up here, alone. Right-oh. OK. No sense in approaching the issue. I let it ride along. He was at work at VTB. Good for him. And although I tried to tell him of the good news of the day (chomage), he wasn’t listening. So… what-ever. – A NOTE: As we were talking, I peered out the window, from my room, and THERE! Somebody was out on the street, with a snow-blower, AND… HE OPENED THE STREET-END OF THE DRIVE! I DON’T KNOW WHO IT WAS BUT WOW! THAT WAS JUST SO CONSIDERATE AND APPRECIATED! The plow had made a 5ft wall that I wasn’t really looking forward to hitting that and here, some KIND person made short business of it! I’m shocked… and grateful and appreciative! How wonderful! How unexpected. I must investigate and thank him! – Well, the night went to Twtr and a most delightful chat with Nancy tonight. – Poor “Cherie” though… in Boston, short on cash. I offered to help her but she’s got that “Paypal” thing going and I have no way of using that these days. I offered to send her something, I mean, after all, I’ve been rather blessed of late and to pass those blessings along… especially to someone Homeless? She suggested Western Union… I looked into it… the nearest is Enosburgh! A 10mile walk in knee-deep snow? Not likely. But it put me in mind of something: Not to applaud myself, but, when I was in the Shelter, I made certain to have a PO box where I could receive mail no matter what. I got m own job with the help of that mailing addresse. I don’t understand how others, who claim they’re responsible and want to get back on their feet can’t think of little things like this. So, if I can, I’ll be more than happy to send Cherie some money to help. But if I can’t, with any ease, I’m certainly not going to pay for some electronic service and if I’m going to walk into Enosburgh, it won’t be for the sake of sending money… I need groceries and the real market is there and if I’m to walk 20 miles, I’ll be coming back with FOOD for me first. Sometimes personal needs supersede Samaritanism. This happens to be one of those moments. – So the night ended rather early tonight… By 21.00 I was headed up the stairs for the night. And by about 21.30… lights out on this day! All told… not a bad day at all. And I was feeling rather well about my accomplishments… for a change.

Fri.28.Dec:

3,43 This is what happens when I go to bed at 21.30… 6 hours later, I’m awake and ready to get on with a new day… – 5.58 and yesterday’s log is complete. The plow is just passing and annoying the shit out of me: they’re passing and widening the plowed width of the streets… un-necessary! And, in so doing, they’re plowing snow BACK into peoples’ drives! It’s not bad enough that I have a 5ft wall to shovel at the end of the front walk this morning. They’re making it so that I’ll have to re-shovel the end of the drive as well! One can’t help but believe they’re doing it intentionally! Jerk-wads! – Meanwhile… my left hand is incredibly painful this morning and the pain runs right up the length of the arm! FUK! It hurts! Hopefully the exercise of shovelling will take care of that. – But the great news? It’s not snowing! So… – And I’m still quite awake and rested. I can’t imagine, waking at 3.30 this morning and here, at 6.06 I’m quite ready to take-on the day. – Good thing: a reminder from storage. I owe them ALL of what’s in the banque. Figures… fuk me. I get a couple of dollars and sure as shit there’s somebody standing right there, right away, with hand out, wallet at the ready. Fukking shit. Well? I have things that I need right now and THOSE things will be taken care of BEFORE that. – And now, 6.08… I’m on to the events of this day! Once again… KADIMA! – 9.59 Just getting in from finishing the shovelling of the drive! 4 hours’ worth of work. But it’s done… and… of course, there’s a light snow falling again. Oh well. BUT… the garbage is gone, the recycling is out, the drive is done. I think that counts for a day of “work”. – Now I note: I shovelled a path to Hilary’s steps and that’s all. The ONLY reason there’s a space in the yard for another car is because I’ve taken the garage to the right. Yes, the Staller started right up. It took quite a bit of effort to get it into the garage. And I forgot to release the hand-brake… SMOKE ALL IN THE GARAGE! I just hope I didn’t burn it out. Not that that car will ever see the road again until the day when it goes road-side. But it’s the idea of burning a hand-brake. (Only the idea.)- This morning, as I shovelled, I thought of Hilary: WON’T knock before barging into the house, then has the bloody balls to mooch eggs. Silas pointed out to me, once upon a time, that she’s HIS friend. Well… that being the case, HE can buy the eggs to feed her from now on. And as far as shovelling is concerned… Well, if she needs snow removal other than the drive and the front door of the house… HE can now do that for HIS friend. She’s been precious little more than disrespectful toward me, so this is my opportunity to re-pay the consideration. – 10.07 “Pour Un Instant” on the radio. VIV? WHERE THE FUK ARE YOU THESE DAYS? I MISS YOU SO, SO DAMNED MUCH!!! – I’m having a lie-down for about an hour. My “work” responsibilities are complete for the morning. Then, coffee, perhaps a little brunch and… – Before signing-off for now: Having shovelled the drive, to-date, I’ve saved Hilary 90$ and Silas 45$. – 13.42 Silas rang… for what, I have no idea. I was just washing his bed-linens. After the call I thought: I wonder when somebody will be saying that I’m benefiting from living here, rent-free, whilst he pays the rent and I just sit around. I did make a point of telling him that I’ve commandeered the garage for the Staller. And I did make a point of letting him know that it took 4 hours to clear the drive this morning. So… I just wait for the bull-shit to hit. – Meanwhile, I’m passing some time here until I head out to Dollar General. I wish I could get to Family Dollar, but that’s not worth the 10mile walk in this snow. Not today. – Well, as I thought this morning as I toiled on the drive: It would be nice if somebody would offer to take me to places I’d like to go to and places I need to go to… but I hope for too much. Best left alone… forgotten. – (Sat.5.01) I did manage to keep quite busy for this day today. Did get out and take that stroll down to the Dollar General. It must have been some kind of Fate thing, but I stopped at the banque en route (THE banque… the ONLY banque in this town) and the ATM wasn’t working… again. So I went along to the store with only what I had in pocket… forced budgeting. But HEY! I got soap and shampoo and pine cleaner and candles for Shabbat and… I broke down and decided to try something rather strange: The living-room needs curtains on the windows, to make it look a bit more welcoming and to provide a bit of insulation on the large windows… regular curtains are running something like 10-18$ PER PANEL! BUT… today I found those plain white cloth shower curtains and though: WTF? Try one and see. Cheap crap but… So I got one. And back up the main road into town and back to the house. OK. I tried it. IT WORKS! Quite well, as a matter of fact. And it broke down to 4$ per panel. MUCH more than I want to spend on window treatments, but hey! MUCH less than 10$! So, tomorrow, I really must go back and get a couple more! At least 2. And with today’s purchase, I got a coupon for 5$ off my purchases for tomorrow! SAVINGS! Looking forward to it. I would get a few more for Silas’ room but I don’t really know if that would be appreciated. I don’t know if he’s the “curtains on the windows” type and I don’t know if white is a colour he’d want on his windows. Not to mention, his room is a cold blue colour to begin with and the white will only make it that much colder. (His room reminds me a bit of the bed-room on Henry St in Kingston: Ah… Frank. The blue on the walls was the most unique shade and loved it so very much. The wood-work and trim were dazzling white! Beautiful, really. But come Winter? SHIT! It was BITTER COLD in that room, not matter what the temperature! So, I’ll wait and see what Silas says about the living-room and if he wants, I’ll put them up in his room.) I want to say that I’m certainly NOT putting these curtains up for anybody’s sake but my own. I’m just in this mind-set where, the fact of the matter is: I am here… ALONE! And I’m putting this place together to make ME comfortable in it now. Next week, Silas begins working in Shelburne PO in addition to a more-than-likely job at VTB… also in Shelburne. IF I stay here, in this house, for any length of time from now forward, I’ll be here… very much alone. I need to make this place into something I’ll be comfortable in. And so, I shall. – It seems a short day, all told. I managed to throw something filling together for “dinner” (meal… I can’t help but refer to it as such… from the Shelter days… eat once per day… it’s a “meal” with no particular title, eaten only because of necessity and nothing more). Sat for the few moments it took to eat it, watching “Futurama” on the computer down-stairs (I need to find some simulcast of some TV station on that thing… the lap-top won’t handle the load of streaming… so I found out during the day, trying to watch any video files. Well, as Silas said: it’s a step up from a Net-book and little more, good for typing… like an old Word Processor… and to think it’s rather quite the rage when it comes to this sort of thing. NOT impressive at all. But it serves the purpose.) – Got to briefly “chat” with Nancy for a while and by 20.00 I was wiped-out! Maybe it was the shovelling followed by the walking. What-ever… – By 21.00 I was back up in my room, under the blankets, reading a few more pages of the book and then, in only moments, I was drifting off. By 21.30? I closed my eyes on this day. Another day… another day… done. But, I suppose (and only suppose), I did rather well with it. – Shabbat… still remote and removed from “my People”. But candles were lit tonight. The “traditions” live on, sparse, but alive.

Sat.29.Dec: 4.42 Last night was another 21.30 to bed night and so, this morning has been another 3.30 awake morning. I’m not complaining. It’s WONDERFUL to be back to what was my “normal routine” back in NYC. There’s something so charming and relaxing about being awake at this hour of the morning, even if there’s nothing that can be done yet, nothing happening out-side the window, here, in this “nothing” State. – I can’t help but think of all the “romanticism” about Vermont: the get-aways, the B&B thing, covered bridges, the “mystery”, the intrigue, the romantic publicity, the political faerie tales… I suppose there’s some truth to it all… provided one just comes here for a brief visit, finds all that romance and then leaves quickly. But being here for a year or longer just strips it all down to the reality: Vermont ain’t shit. This morning, for some reason, I’m thinking and I have to note: the nicest thing (perhaps the ONLY nice thing) about being here, where I am, is the proximity to HOME and the fact that I can, in a moment’s notice or on a moment’s whim, stroll casually and be there in about 10 minutes. It’s not Montréal or the environs, but it’s “HOME LAND” and that’s equally important; even just knowing that I’m on the soil of the land where my Heart and Soul and Spirit wait. As Holly Bradshaw told me, as she, Brad and I sat in Ben’s that evening: ‘We’ve only just met, I don’t really know you or anything about you, but I can see and sense it… your essence is here, in Montréal, and when you leave, it stays here, waiting for you to return. And when you come back, you’re re-united with it and you come to Life. It’s really amazing. And it’s totally obvious.’ – This morning, Brad is dead, Holly? Who knows? She’s probably still wandering round the McGill compound. Zuri is dead. I can’t imagine where his Spirit wandered to. Denis? Dead. Nick? Dead. And the ONE person I’d give-up Heart and Soul to see again (Viv)? Well… If it means “Peace” for her, I’ll accept death, but there’s something in my gut that tells me she’s not dead too… and one of these days I’ll find her. How strange to think I can get back HOME in 10 minutes, but then there’s 1000’s of km of land to search and today, I have practically no idea where to begin. One day… one day. – OK! And so another day finishes, and we get this much closer to the end of another year. (I want to puke!) – What did I accomplish? I don’t really know for the most part. I did manage to suddenly get so damned tired that I HAD to lie down for an hour. The snow returned, but ever-so light, and steady, the slush on the streets froze and the day suddenly turned rather nasty. – I, of course, headed out the door at about 15.00 and trudged along to the Dollar General, determined to put something “homey” into this damned house… curtains on the windows in the living-room! Besides, I had a 5$ coupon and THAT wasn’t going to be wasted, like all the other coupons. – The trudge wasn’t all too bad, actually. And yes! I did get the curtains (cloth shower curtains, in plain white, that fit perfectly when split down the middle). And when I got back to the house, they went up immediately. Yes, indeed, I’m rather proud of the addition. It put some warmth into the room. It should have been done a LONG time ago. AND… they’ll remind me of the stupidity of SO many folk on Twtr who will send money to the Homeless whiners and the folks who claim to be doing SO much to “help” the Homeless but, once again, when I asked for nothing more than bed-sheets… the world went empty and silent. (I don’t include my Nancy in this group… especially in view of the fact that I asked 2 particularly popular Twits to acknowledge her and they didn’t bother… New Year resolution: dump THEM! along with so many others. But… moving right along…) The point is: it makes ME feel better in here. I wish I could do much more. I wish I had the resources to furnish the place better. Carpets, chairs, &c. But the fact is that it’s better that I can’t because at the rate things go round here, there’s never any certainty about the place. From moment to moment, there’s no telling when (no “if”) Silas will come waltzing in the door to announce he’s leaving (again). I thought today: I can still pack EVERTHING I have here into the Staller and be out and off, there’s so little I have these days (and if I don’t pay the STORAGE bill SOON, there’ll be considerably LESS!!!) but, if that were to happen in the Winter months, I’d still be incredibly stuck… there’s NO possibility of getting that car out of the garage and on the road! I seriously doubt I’d even be able to get it out of the drive! And, even if I managed that, I’d slide down the hill and there I’d be… until the thaw. Still very much trapped. (These are the daily thoughts that oppress.) – Well, the evening turned to night and “dinner” consisted of 2 re-heated baked potatoes. Shopping needs to be done and seriously at this point. But… it’s a 10mile hike to and another 10mile hike back, and that’s not going to be happening all too soon, not in all this snow… well… not just yet anyway. – I managed to shoot off an e-mail to Silas today. I mentioned the troubles with the lap-top and his response was rather amazing: He offered to take it back and have it up-graded! You know? It really doesn’t much matter to me that this thing doesn’t perform well. I’ve needed it primarily for writing/typing and it handles that fairly well enough. And I’m ever SO thankful to have it and to Silas for being so sweet, wonderful, kind, considerate, caring and loving, for thinking about it and for getting it for me. I’m just remarkably thrilled to have this. I can’t put my full gratitude into words… in 8 languages… that’s how appreciative I truly am. And, in the midst of the correspondence, I managed to ask if and when he might be back to the house. I certainly don’t expect him to want to come here, to be with me for the coming holiday. The house is rather empty, I’m not the one to be with when it comes to holidays, since I don’t even acknowledge them. He’s young, has some “friends” he could be with. Surely, there are some people he’d be able to meet in Burlington to be with. Better there than here. And, quite honestly? As I sat in the living-room this evening, admiring the “window treatments” I thought: It’d be better to be here, alone. I’ll probably poop-out well before mid-night to begin with, and honestly, I don’t want to be reminded of it all. Who knows? I just might want to take a solo stroll up the road… be HOME for the holiday. I just might want to piss off the border patrol round-about 23.30, stroll by, just to be across the frontier, standing on the HOME-land as the new year comes in. I don’t, some-how, see me doing that WITH any-one. So? As the reply came, he said he was going to come up today, but because of the weather, he decided against it. I’m rather glad for that since the roads here are a total fukkup and he’s just not the type to be driving about in this slush and ice. He’s safer down there and truly more comfortable, I’m certain. But he’ll try for Monday. That should be rather interesting… Monday being the “eve”. Well, we shall see what’s to come of it. – So tonight, with Silas’ permission, I created a Skype account. Nancy suggested it a while ago, and, strange… Silas suggested it today. (I wonder if and how much corresponding those two do. When I mention Nancy to Silas, he always says something about dropping her a line or something. Yes, I wonder… in a some-what disquieting way.) I haven’t used it yet, have no idea how to. I doubt the lap-top will handle it. But I really should give it a try. Perhaps on Sunday. For a while, there was Twtr. Very brief passings with Nancy. She’s got a full agenda there and I appreciate even the passing ‘Hi. Busy. BRB.’ and such. But tonight, some-how, I managed to get carried off into some bit of mayhem with others who were also into bantering. At some points, I actually found myself laughing aloud! Reminded me of Silas who will sit in that room for the longest while, in complete silence, and then, suddenly burst out with laughter… having read a post onFB or something. This 21st Century is non-sensical in that manner: People just sitting, silently, and suddenly laughing, giggling, hollering, fist-pounding and such. All out of silence. Verbal/Vocal communication is dying. I’m glad I’m at my age, I don’t want to see the ultimate death of vocal communication. – Well, the night went into “over-time” for me and it wasn’t until about 23.00 when I finally got up-stairs to bed. There was not reading tonight… I started, got about 5 words across the page and HAD to put out the lights and try for sleep. – Another day done. Another day gone. “I’ve got one more day behind me. How many are left, I don’t know. But I’m getting closer to Jesus. I’ve got one less day to go.” (Statler Bros.)

Sun.30.Dec: 5.55 Proof… If I go to bed at 21.00 I wake at 3.00. Last night I got to bed at 23.00 and this morning I woke at 5.00. I’m back on my 6-hour sleep cycle! “Normalcy” returns. Or half of it anyway. 2 “beverages” (Good-morning Bradshaw *I wink and grin*) is over my limit. I feel rather like shit this morning. Alas. But, it’s almost “normalcy” in that it’s like many a Sunday morn in NY! How about that? – And the snow is still falling, ever so lightly this morning. The plow’s passed twice already this morning. I suppose so the sinners of Richford can get to church? – And on the radio? la Bottine Souriante! Flash-backs to the Summer in the plaza at Lincoln Centre, NYC (of all places). It was the Summer of French music: Cajun, Québécois, Haitian, French Africa… I made it, alone of course, and, as I recall, with some difficulty, to this one Sunday when it was Québécois and they were the main group. There was une petite rousse, dressed in what I know to be particularly common Québec-style clothes: long skirt, espedrilles, blouse, colours that regularly wouldn’t work together but some-how do when worn in this fashion. And she DANCED all round the plaza! la Bottine Souriante took the time to make a little presentation on the difference between musique Québécoise and Cajun: Cajuns play spoons… les Québécoises play bones. I, personally hoped that the crowd didn’t misunderstand that, thinking there are cannibals in Québec, but really didn’t much care because I recall thinking: No matter what one tells these people here, they have and will keep their own notions even with-out ever going near the place. Anyway, That was a truly wonderful Summer evening and I recall getting on the train back up-town and feeling SO empty, alone, and far from HOME. It was also the beginning of my collecting all sorts of French music… SO many CDs of SO much music. (And once again… my sister took care of all that… and today, she’s paying for her evil… and her son is at Peace.) – Ah… 7.42 The snow is steadily falling, my fingers are all but numb from the chill in the house. And I MUST get me together, get the fuk out of here and get to the business of clearing the drive before yet another metre of white shit has to be removed. Ah… it truly IS a comforting delight to be back NORTH. (And I do mean that… sincerely.) – 23.16 I should be in bed with the book by now but this turned into one of those days that you just don’t want to let go of! Just a delight in every way, made ESPECIALLY AND PARTICULARLY WONDERFUL BY A VIDEO CALL WITH NANCY! All I can think of at this particular moment is that today’s talks with her actually erased ALL of the bull-shit of this past year. And I mean that statement so much more than anybody could even begin to imagine! I know, for a fact, that nobody can understand the full extent of how I’m feeling right now, hell, the lap-top from Silas and today, to actually sit and TALK with AND SEE NANCY! No, I just don’t want to let this day close. I want to hold time still and keep this day. – It began with shovelling last night’s snow from the drive. I really didn’t want to go out there to do it this morning. I just didn’t feel “well enough” for some reason. But it HAD to be done or I’d have one hell of a job later. When I stepped out the door, it was actually snappy-crisp! Really quite cold! And there was a bit of a wind blowing. But, I trudged on. With-in moments, the fingers on my left hand began to burn from cold, right through the gloves! It was THAT cold! But I wouldn’t give up, knowing that if I continued, I’d build enough body heat to counter that pain. And I was right. It didn’t take long either. Moments into the work, the blood circulated and my hands were quite comfortable. And the snow was dry! I grabbed it just in time since the previous snow had begun to settle and pack. But today’s was still light, airy, fry and easy to move about. Amazingly, it took relatively little time to get the back yard done and before I knew it, I was finishing the whole drive and the front walk! – A quick run to Mayhew’s for a pack of smokes and a chat with Abbie… and again, this morning, I left the store with a smile on my face. I felt “at home” walking back up the street to the house. Poor Silas… he’s never here long enough to make this town a “home” and I do feel sorry for him in that respect. – When I came in, I dared to head to the cellar to check the oil tank… still over half! YES! I was excited! Truth is, I don’t really need much heat in the house. I’ve become so adjusted to the slight chill in here most of the time, so when the thermostat goes up to above 60F, I’m actually uncomfortably warm! I’m quite thrilled about that. The “North” has returned! – Even with the shovelling and the trip to Mayhew’s, I was back in the house just about noon. Great start to the day! – And so, armed with all sorts of good feelings, I ventured up to my room and tried to install Skype on the lap-top… IT WORKED! Nancy had sent me her account info for Skype and I set her as a contact and no sooner had I done… THERE SHE WAS! VIDEO AND ALL! Now THAT was TOTALLY AMAZING! Here we were, chatting away as if we’d been doing so for YEARS or even for a life-time! When she said that we’re “Best Friends” she truly wasn’t kidding in the least. Only “Best Friends” could have done what we did today… picked-up a conversation as if we’d been doing so all along! It was SUPER! I got to give a quick tour of the house here, she gave a tour of here house there, including the lake (and the green grass and trees!). AND I GOT TO SEE MR.L. AND MISS HOPE! Well SHIT! THAT CAN’T BE TOPPED AT ALL! That first call set the entire day into a state of WONDERFUL energy! I got to straightening the house up, filed chomage, and just kept rolling along until about 16.00 when I HAD to lie down for half an hour. I was wiped out! – When I woke, I went down-stairs to eat. Chicken patties with sauce and cheese and a film, recommended by Silas: “Going Postal”. THAT WAS SO ENJOYABLE! And I can’t say that I’ve seen many films I’ve actually ENJOYED! I even sent him an e-mail (via “Clack” as it were in the movie) to thank him for the recommendation (and to let him know that he shouldn’t feel obligated to come up here tomorrow if he doesn’t want to… I’m quite fine… alone in the house these days). – THEN, this evening… MORE video-call with NANCY! WHAT A STUPENDOUS WAY TO PASS THE EVENING HOURS! Yes, again, it was so relaxed, and again, so familiar! This time I used the main computer in Silas’ room and it was just like sitting there, in the room with Nancy, chatting away. Just a complete and total pleasure! And again I say, she’ll never know the extent of just how very much it meant to me! To be quite honest, I still can’t believe it actually happened, that I was actually SEEING NANCY! Now, as I sit here, it was like looking at a video, a recorded video. My old brain just won’t wrap itself round the reality… not only of a “video-call” right from here as I sat comfortably in that chair, in THIS house, in THIS State, in THIS town, but of actually TALKING with NANCY! I think back to the evenings when I’d be laying on the bed in the Shelter, in the dark, on Twtr, communicating with her, a stranger, wondering who she was, why she’d found ME so interesting, and just wondering about the entire situation. If anybody would have told me back then, in those days of striving to find and keep a job, those days when I walked into MetCouncil begging for financial help to get and keep my new job with PIC/VNSNY, coming back to the shelter with the scrubs and shoes… and major blisters on my feet, that one day I’d be sitting at a computer video-chatting with NANCY, I’d have thought the whole notion nothing more than amusing. Well! TONIGHT IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED! I’m still all in a whirl about it. And Happier than all get-out! – 2012, for the most part, was miserable. The latter part, in particular, was just plain, basic, useless shit! But it’s ending quite differently. I do so HOPE that this is a quiet way of bringing in the new year and that this is only a snap-shot of what 2013 will be like all through. I “HOPE”! – And so, it’s approaching midnight. Soon it will be “New Year’s Eve” and here I am… here I am… And I must get some sleep. I’ve been so good these past few days, getting to bed early enough to wake early enough to begin the day fresh, before the rest of the world wakes. The snows have stopped. Tomorrow is supposed to be clear. (Snow to return on Tuesday.) Silas may (or may not) be coming home. A new day, with my new attitude toward it. And there well may be another chat with NANCY! So much to look forward to tomorrow. And with that in mind and heart, I close this day… – Oh, the shovelling savings for today: 100$ for Hillary and 50$ for Silas. Gee, I wonder if Hillary will offer anything in gratitude. I doubt it. I thought about it as I shovelled this morning. Neither of them has been here for this Winter weather, and I expect either one or the other… or both, to say something along the lines of: ‘I wasn’t even here so it I really didn’t benefit from it.’ Yet, it would have had to be cleared so that the oil could be delivered to keep this house warm so that the plumbing doesn’t freeze… that’s for here. As for up-stairs at Hillary’s, she can simply be assured of being able to just drive in when she returns, and if she’d needed propane, that can be done quite easily as well. (I have NOT, how-ever, done her steps or porch. I’ve drawn the line there. She’s quite disrespectful of me so I’ll be damned if I DO anything out of the ordinary for her. – That said, the clock has passed into the next day. Posting this and off to Templeton for a bit!

Mon.31.Dec: 7.10 See? I didn’t want to let go of yesterday and this morning, already, the reasons have been good. It begins with waking at 5.30 (having not gotten to bed until 1.00 this morning and no, it wasn’t enough sleep but awake, I am, and awake I’ll remain in the hope of getting back to the routine). Feeling a bit like shit too this morning. And the house is cold. So, I opened the lap-top and started to learn more about it by trying various programmes and such that are pre-installed. Went to the Miriam-Webster dictionary just for schitzengiggles and the word of the day? Hangover. Not that I have one, though I feel comparable. THAT should have cinched it. I browsed a bit more and then went to e-mails. Nothing (no replies) from Silas, but… STORAGE is already threatening another 100$ lien and “foreclosure”! The damned rent isn’t quite a month behind! I mean, REALLY? Are they THAT desperate? To counter that shit news, the skipped payment on chomage was posted today and I believe another one is due this week. I’m desperately trying to make certain that the phone and oil bills are covered, at the very least. Yes, there’s a 500$ balance on the oil account, but I don’t want to use any of that until well into January! The phone’s not due for a while, but I still feel obligated to pay Silas back for re-instating the service this month. Then there’s the reserve that I need, should I have to get into Burlington for any reason. (Though, looking at that situation realistically: I’ve just about no way to get into St.A. to get to the Link; not as long as there’s any trace of snow on any of the roads and, I’m not even certain the car will make that trip any more at this point.) Well sir. That’s this morning and it’s only 7.22. Yesterday’s gone, YESterday’s GONE. And this morning starts the same ol’ shit again. – 14.38 A quick check of e-mails this morning revealed a “Warning”: Pay the damned storage or there’ll be an additional 100$ and a foreclosure on the account! FUK those moronic bastards anyway! One bloody month and they’re threatening to toss it all!? Good for me I’m receiving chomage. But as it always is the case, I no sooner get a dollar and there’s someone there with hand in my pocket, digging up my rectum for 1,50$! I also received a text from Silas: He’s coming up, expects to be here by 15.00 and will stay the holiday! So, on with the boots, back out in the snow (as the lyric goes) and shovel, shovel, shovel the drive. That went really very well indeed. I think I’ve gotten the hang of it. It was no sooner started than done. Luckily, the snow is, yet again, dry. Then it was back in, grab a few items, and back out.. to the banque, to the Post Office. Posted the damned money to storage and a form for the rest of the PA I’d applied for. THEN… across the street for the makings of martinis. If I’m to be forced into seeing this next year in, I shall be doing it MY way: With the fukking MARTINI I’d promised me when first I came to this “country”! With Silas or with bloody me! – A stroll along to Mayhew’s for a pack of smokes and, believe it or not, I was back in the house and settling in by just past noon! BINGO! The day’s necessities done… by round-about NOON! – I wanted to sit and watch a bit of a film/video for a bit, but I’m SO damned tired! That 4 hours’ sleep last night just wasn’t enough of a nap to carry me through the day. So, for the past hour, I’ve napped.
Started a rather silly dream. Don’t recall much of it, but the ending was some young girl, sitting in the loo, balloons and party decorations all round. She was prepping to wash the tub when I walked in on her. I’d wanted to take a shower but (like here in this house) needed the hot water. So I asked her if she’d hold-off on the tub. She agreed. And I walked over to her and laughingly asked “Tell me… do you ALWAYS decorate when you’re about to take a shit?” SHE LAUGHED… I woke. Oddly, before that, I was getting something in the house together and remembered that I needed some food and such from the market. No particular reason. Just did. So I prepped me for a drive to the market when, as soon as I took my keys from my pocket, was ready to walk out the door, I looked across the street to the garage, saw the snow and realised: I can’t drive the car in all this snow! I felt embarrassed and ashamed, especially in front of all the people who were in the room… preparing for some sort of celebration.
Hmm… Now that I think about it: I wonder if it wasn’t all having to do with tonight? Not that I care, really. But in fact, I’m just now going down-stairs for a shower. I don’t know that Silas WILL and I don’t know that he WON’T come up today. But, in any event, I could use a shower and my clothes need a wash… they’re not “fresh” from the sweat worked-up shovelling. – The end of this entry and OFF TO THE SHOWER! – Oh. Note: Whilst shovelling this morning, I cut the snow-wall in front of the house (the one the plow insists upon making – it’ll cover the house soon enough) back farther this morning so when the plow comes by, it wouldn’t close off the entry to the front door. Well, sure as shit, the plow just passed and… sure as shit, cut the wall back even more, tossing snow into the walk-way to the front door. PRICKS! – 15.46 Showered. Dressed… in CLOTHES YET! A SHIRT! “Daily clothes” in the washer. Heat set up. And I’m all ready… to spend another evening at home… alone. – Sans cri ni haine, Dit lui d’être forte. La vie t’emmène, Ce n’est pas sa faute. C’est nous, Nous sommes devenus fous.
(7.00 Tue.1.Jan) As it turned-out, the night was not spent alone. Indeed, Silas did return to Richford. Not, as he’d said, at 15.00, but not much later… perhaps 17.00. I was up-stairs, just finishing the entry here when I heard him walking about down-stairs, in no particular rush to come up. So I went down to find him in his room. It was a rather calm re-union, and “re-union” is how I view it when he comes back. I got the feeling that, some-how, he feels a bit of the stranger in the house. Alas, not my fault. I do all that I can to make it as comfortable and welcoming as I can. Not strangely, he walked about, not noticing the curtains on the living-room windows, not noticing that the house was considerably warmer than it had been when he’d come in before, not noticing that his room was in order, clean linens on a made-up bed. I don’t want to sound like the forlorned house-wife or lover or… but, it’s very much as I was thinking as I shovelled today: Very much like my father, sister’s husband, &c. in that, no efforts to make a house-hold are noticed. I’d scoffed at the notion during the day. I scoff at it even now. I simply don’t “care” any longer. It’s been quite the year. It’s been a year of being stripped of the ability to care, of being stripped of caring enough to care. But, the bottom line for me was that it was a delight to have him back in the house. – When he sent the text saying that he’d be here, I’d sent a text asking for one thing: a tin of black-eye peas… he brought… a tin of black beans, two bags of French fries, two jars of gravy and a block of cheese. He wanted to make Poutine for dinner! With an almost childish grin he told me, as he poured the fries onto the cookie sheets “I wanted to go to Sutton tonight, but I thought ‘Why spend 20$ for us to eat a small portion of Poutine when, for the same 20$, we can have Poutine all night?” Yes, he was right. And I actually appreciated it all. Although, it was more potato for me to eat… and that’s something I’d been almost living on for the past week. Still, the sentiment was So appreciated. He wanted me to have something from HOME… I asked him if he’s eating well at his mommies’. “Yeah. But she won’t let me cook.” (I can understand that. Still, it’s his pleasure and she’s denying him that. How typical. How sad.) We got into a quick chat about Don. Silas had been by the house to pay the rent for January and got into a chat with Don and Connie about Don’s previous visit where he told me that the water usage was rather high. Said he (Silas), he told Don that I’ve been here alone for the most part, for the past several weeks, that I don’t tend to use all that much water; that even whilst he’s here for a week or so, he showers thrice on average, that I shower perhaps once per week and that we don’t use the washer very often. As he (SB) told me: I put him in his place, I’m not going to be pushed around any more. (Bravo! It’s about time.) It was really quite nice, having him here tonight. Not for the company on the holiday night, but just to have him at “home”… his home. We settled-in, with Poutine, to watch several episodes of “Skins”, a Brit series that reminded me very much of “30 Vies”. At one point, I asked him “So, does it feel strange to be in Richford?” I can’t help but think that it must be strange to him, paying rent on this place and not actually spending any time in it. And he’s out of town now for more time than he’s here. (I really feel badly for him in this respect). He said “No. Not really.” and left it at that. I’m not sure what that means, but I let it go. – We watched the series well into the night and right through mid-night. Matter of fact, I was re-installing Skype on the lap-top, having found the way to have it installed and how to keep it from starting every time I started the lap-top when I looked at the little clock and saw that it was 0.33. I looked up, Silas drifting off to sleep, bundled under his comforters, and said “Oh, happy new year. It’s happened.” He bade me “Happy new year.” and that was it. The calendars start over again for another 365 days and then he said “You just have to finish this one last episode.” and rolled himself back into his blankets. I watched, and checked the function on the lap-top until the episode ended. When it was done, Silas was half awake. It was 2.00 I asked him if he wanted me to turn things out, how long he was staying. Yes, to the turning lights out and… he was going t be leaving again in the morning! A few hours here? Really? Not only was I disappointed because I was looking forward to him being here for a while, and the fact that he’d driven all the way up here just for a few hours, but I also thought it almost stupid to invest all that gas and driving to come in for mere hours. Then there was the fact that I try to make the place more settled and more “welcoming” for him, since he doesn’t really have the time to do so, and he only passes a few hours here. I asked what time he needed to be awake, knowing that I’d be awake well before him and he replied “I have the alarm set.” OK. I let it go, figuring it was going to be rather early. I put the lights and such out and headed up the stairs to bed. The day was done, Silas had actually come, the month of Decembre (sadly) is passed, as too, the year. All that changed with-out fan-fare. There was no “HooRAY!”, no fire-works, no yelling in the streets, no noise, no recognition of the change, no celebration. In Richford VT, nobody gave a shit. It happened because it does, and rather much like me, it was, all too simply, just another night…