March 2009

(Excerpt from "Bitter-Sweet Bitterness©")

March 2009
Sunday, 1 through Tuesday, 31 March 2009: (There are no entries for the entire month. However... I can recall one event this month and I include it here:) This month of March had become rather banal, if one could ever truly use that term with any reference to residence in a Homeless shelter. But the truth of the mater is that by this time, I had given-in to the “routine”. Matters of conflict in the dorm had rather settled, and, in a way, I suppose we had all become so accustomed to what-ever happened that, for the most part (and I remember it well), the general atmosphere had turned almost “family-like”. Daily, we would wake in the morning, each at his own time, leave the building for the day during the week and on week-ends, those who chose to remain would do so while the others would leave (particularly me) to do what-ever it was we did to occupy the day. There is, however, one point I recall, and will, in all likelihood never forget because it affected me directly and personally: The disappearance of CW. He'd been gone from our daily lives for a while... several days in fact, with no word about him. The guys would ask me about his where-abouts and always say that, of all the people in the Shelter to “buddy-up”, CW and I were probably THE most un-likely 2 that anybody would have ever expected. But the fact was, we were usually seen together, in the halls, sitting together in the dorm, and so forth. When I told people that I had no idea where he was or what he was doing, that seemed to bother them more-so. If I didn't know where CW was, then it was most suspicious. Friday, 27 March 2009: In spite of not being able to recall much of this month, as I can, 4 years later, vividly recall the events of THIS evening. Although outwardly, to my fellow “residents” I appeared calm and rather apathetic, the news of this evening hit me quite hard...

It was approximately 6:00pm (18.00) when I came into the dorm. All was relatively calm this evening, but not in an unusual way. Rey was on his bed, reading, as he would be. The daily news paper was on the top of my locker, closed, which meant nothing more to me than that it had been put there for me to read at my leisure. Rey would often put the paper there for me to browse the Wants and such. So, I noted that it was there and went about getting myself settled for the evening. As I did so, Rey got up and, in a general matter-of-fact tone of voice he asked me: “Did you see your Buddy in today's paper?" Well, no, I hadn't since I didn't really read the newspaper as a rule. So, I asked: “Who?" Rey simply replied “Your BUDDY... (CW). He's in the papers." “Oh! What's he allegedly done this time?" I asked with a bit of sarcasm, expecting what-ever it was to be some petty little prank related to being Homeless and in the shelter. Rey turned the paper round facing him and flipped through a few pages until he'd found the one page he wanted. Wordlessly, he turned the paper to me so that I could read the article and he stepped back.

Indeed, there was a terrible photo and the article: CW had been arrested for murder. I read the particulars in silence, as if reading the weather forecast for the following day. As I closed the paper again, leaving it on the top of my locker, I went back to what I'd been doing before being given this news. Rey commented, and certainly not in an offencive tone: “Your best friend... If I didn't wonder about you before, I think I might wonder now." “Why....?" I asked. “Well, first of all, you two are nothing alike but for a while there, you were always together. And now this?" “The article says that he insists that he had a toy gun and you know? I can't say he did, I can't say he didn't, but I can say I'd sooner believe he did. Another thing that a lot of people probably didn't know is that he's insulin-dependent diabetic and from the looks of that mug-shot, I'd be willing to bet he was in some kind of bad condition before, pretty much during and surely after the fact." “Are you saying you don't believe he shot those people?" “I'm saying I don't know that he did, and I don't know that he didn't. All I can say about him is what I know, from the time we've spent together in here and out of here and based on the way he was around me, if you were to ask me if I had any reason to believe that he actually COULD do something like that, I'd have to tell you, honestly... No. Sure, he was a royal pain in the arse most of the time. And yes, he was generally obnoxious and annoying. He lacked a LOT of so-called 'social graces' and he rubbed most people the wrong way. He could get on your last nerve and crush it down faster than most people I've ever met so far in my life. But... I doubt that a LOT of people ever took the time to actually listen to what he had to say, and very few ever let him say what he wanted to tell. - He's been miserable in here. He's been miserable out of jail. There are some people in this system, as you and I have talked about, who will NEVER be able to function out-side of this system. They're comfortable in here because this is about the only 'life' they know. And there are people who are the same way when it comes to the prison system. CW's one of them. 'It's tough on the out-side." He was previous convicted of a crime, sentenced to prison and did his time for it. But the rest of the world will never be satisfied, they won't let it go, and the worst of all? They won't even give him a fraction of a chance any more. That's the way it is: Guilty forever, no matter what. He couldn't get a job because nobody hires an ex-con, no matter what. He's got his diabetes and a bunch of other shit in his life and, let's face it, if you're not working, you're depending on Social Services... no matte what... and we both know that if you depend on Social Services, especially for health care, you may as well toss yourself off a very high building onto a very hard surface and have done with it... quickly. I mean, look at that photo! He looks just more than half dead there! The probably didn't check to see if he had any medical condition and worse? They didn't give a shit. I'll bet you anything you can think of that that's a truth. - Listen, I'm not making any excuses for the guy. I don't know if he did, didn't, what the hell happened. But ask me for the rest of my life and I'll tell you the same: To me, CW was ALWAYS respectful. Because he respected me, I respected then, and still respect him now and will always respect him. I was lucky enough to see a really kinder and sweeter side of him and that's the way I'll always remember him, no matter what. - It's been getting so tough on him lately that he's actually said, to me, that he wants to go back to prison. Now I have to say that when 'life' and people get so bad that prison is the better choice, it's not HIS fault anymore... it's ours... everybody out here. And let's face it Rey... not only does he walk around being eternally condemned for something he did, got tried for, spent the time in prison for having done... now he's got the shit of being Homeless on him too! You and I know what just being Homeless does and how people hate US... can you imagine how impossible it's been for HIM?"

(And as I run through this manuscript today, 4 years after the fact, those statements still hold fast.)
I remember Rey simply responding: “I respect you, man. I really do. And you're right about something: we weren't there, we don't know what happened. He could be innocent. It could happen to any of us. We just don't know."
The dorm was pretty quiet for the rest of that night. In some way it was almost as if people were paying their “respects” for my loss of a “buddy”. A couple of days later, the news, being what it is, ran a couple more articles on the shooting and it was mentioned that CW WAS, in fact, ill at the time of his arrest, that he DID “pass out” and that he actually was in hospital.
Did he shoot anybody that evening? I don't know... I doubt the truth will ever come out. I doubt CW will ever tell. With the way the World treats “ex-cons”, I don't fault CW for wanting to return to prison life and I'd imagine he's better off if he's still there. But I will say, to this day, that for all the while I associated with him, he was, in fact, always respectable of me, and respectable to me.

I leave this entry at that.

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