JUNE 2011 – DEAD ARTIST

1.June.2011
8.24 Waubeka. Under the porch, sitting on a lawn chair in the PEACE. We leave here today. My stomach is churning. Every cell in my being is trembling. My chest is congested. Anxiety. ANXIETY! ANXIETY! It’s June. The weather report is for severe thunder storms. I’d enjoy them… in a house. Right now, gentle breeze, chipmonks scurrying, yellow sun through hazy skies. And the gloom… 2 nights in Glendale then… The Shelter. The Shelter. Yesterday, Moe asked “What are your alternatives?” I said, there are no alternatives. I’m looking for better work, more income. I have to wait until it comes. Ev agreed, spoke of kids coming out of school with degrees who can’t find work. Said, companies can hire a kid at 24k/yr but won’t insult themselves by offering that low salary to me because of age & experience. Said Lois looked for 2yrs. As usual, Moe accepted that from Ev… not from me. My word never amounts to anything. – I’m quite sick over this. It’s anxiety mixed with fear. The instability of “bed assignment”. The “over-nighter” status. The uncertainty of “dorm-mates”. Worse? The uncertainty of shelter assignment! WHERE? There are no shelters in Queens. Forbell is closest. I don’t know Forbell. It’s East NY. Or will I be shipped to Wards or Willow or… Bed-Atl? There are no housing assist programmes. There are no ANYthing assist programmes. I have to think of how to charge this phone, how to hide this phone, what to bring, HOW TO MAINTAIN SOME INCOME! AND WHY I’M BACK ON THEIR ROSTER! At the very least, THIS time I’ve an idea of what to expect. In some respects, it’s better. In other respects, it’s worse. In all respects, it’s sickening. If anything… perhaps I’ll be murdered. Charming. I doubt it. Mutilated, but not murdered. – Was it “kind” of M&E to offer the room or a sense of obligation? My acceptance is survival & convenience: tomorrow I bring them to the dr. appt. Tomorrow night I stay because of the hour. Friday, during the day, I go through “Intake” & Friday night I sit on a floor waiting to be tossed…
8.52 The “plan” is to leave “after lunch”. – OH! There’d been much talk of selling this house. Yesterday, Moe said he won’t part with it. IF I’m “available, perhaps 2 weeks or more to come during the Summer. (Plans need to be made. I’m on the “check-out” line… 17th… 16 more days… 2 weeks. You know? THAT makes it all easier: 2 weeks. 2 weeks. Warm weather, chair on the beach, pills a-plenty and Atropa. Perhaps a momentary siezure or convulsion then… PEACE! 2 weeks. Only 2 weeks. OK…
* 2 WEEKS *
(I’m good with that)
*11.28 THIS MORNING, IN THE DARKNESS, I WOKE, SOAKING WET… NIGHT-SWEATS!*
(11.36)Showered. Dressed. Packed. Luggage in the trunk. No room for afghan or sleeping bag. Or pillows. Too fukkin bad… for them (the folks). I’m in the drive, on a chair, coffee, smokes. Ev’s on the porch, phone. Moe’s meandering, obsessing, being a nudge. I’m “avoiding” all. And it’s peaceful this way. Severe thunder storms today… and the bloody wk-end. JollyfukmeshitOKofcourse.
TWO (2) WEEKS
13.24 And here we are… Waubeka. I rushed to be packed & at brunch I’m told “I’m goung to wash towels after we’re finished here.” I could’ve gone to a WiFi. I could’ve slept-in, taken a nap, gone for cigarettes… something. – In my mid-sentence, Moe got up, excused himself, walked away. Crude. I think: Better to be in fear of The Shelter than the annoyance of ego & the condescention of what I can only imagine goes through his mind. At least here, I have escapes. And I’ve spent much time being scarce. Though that is never really appreciated. – I have a bm coming & no toilet paper (2 rolls in storage). – 13.40 The wash just went in. The dishwasher is next. And their packing isn’t started. Well… OK then.
21.55 Glendale. We left at 19.00 or so. One stop en route. Here before 21.00. Ev is sweet. Moe is impossible to read. There’s opera on the TV! Sandwiches for dinner and it’s jotter than Hell! – Friday I’ll go to Intake. Settled. – No bloody library tomorrow! Moe has dental. NO AIR CONDITIONING IN THE CAR! – A guy in Burlington VT is encouraging me to come there (he’s 40, I wonder). I’m seriously considering. WHY NOT? I’ll look into train fare… Essex Jct. Gerry Greenland. HAH! – Time to try to be “sociable”.

2.June:
14.05 57th/8th: The Homeless man in the car, under a tree. – Slept rather well last night when I finally fell asleep. – Woke before 6.00 then dozed until about 7. Coffe. Smoke. Dump. Shower. Car. – Put all but toiletries & some shirts into storage. Packed for The Shelter. Went to the PO. Nothing there. Tilden to “prep” keys to be returned. LOST THE ROOM KEY ON THE WEST RD. BY 511! But dropped “the key” in the front door mail slot at 112-22RBB (about 10.30). Waldbaums for munchies in the car & coffees for M&E. – Back to Glendale by 11.30. We were off by 12.30. – I’m suddenly SO SO TIRED! – Beautiful weather today. Should be in CT! – There is decidedly something wrong with my left eye. Who cares? – Last night Mimi D. comes into the bldg as I was coming fm the car. Pats me on the cheek “Find me somebody like you.” Asked if I’d drive them to Waubeka! Ev over-heard. “If you steal him that will end our friendship.” Like duuh. (For me it’s about the $.) – I’m so very tired. –
23.36 EXHAUSTED! The idea of being in bed by 22.00 is looking inviting. – I managed to get to N.ForestLib by about 17.00 this evening where I pulled “Law Of The Land” & “Think (About It)”… MR.G’S! amongst other songs! But I had to lie to get there: needed to send a CV. I walked both directions. – Tomato soup/perogies for dinner & NO, not even the offer of payment for the hours of MY time! – THEN Moe decided to bring the car to the garage tomorrow. TOMORROW! I offered to bring it in & leave it there unrit it was ready. He INSISTS he MUST go too! I reminded him he’d offered the room for a “couple” of days & I NEED to get on w/settling somewhere so I can’t stay at the garage all day. The man doesn’t even TRY to face reality and I CAN’T stay much longer… for my own sake. So tomorrow I’m FORCED to spend on car-fare AND will be FORCED to TELL him that I MUST tend to my own matters. OK then. Fukkit! – Right now? I’m sick tired

3.Jun:
6.29 Coffee. Cigarette. Done. AND WE’RE MOVIN’ HERE, PEOPLE! I could use at least 2 hours more in sleep. But, these hours are prepping me for what’s to come in the shelter: OUT by 8.00. Isn’t that a hoot? – My bowels are a mess. Flatulence abounds. “I want a place where I can wake up in the morning & fart.” said Rey. Well… I HAD that. I HAD. – M&E are still asleep. I need to get my boogie on… shower &… and…?
7.49 Showered. Dressed. 2nd smoke. Nobody’s awake. Moe said we’d bring the car to the garage at 8. If I must, I’ll bring/drop & go on my day. It looks to be a 3-boro: PenLib, BklCen, SIBL. Ev is going to dentist/ballet (ballet…) so will be out. Moe will be in but I’ll be on “Shelter Time”: stay out until. (I’m already tired.) – This place stinks of old garbage. How can they not notice? The house in Waubeka is the same… upstairs. Gaggy. – Well. 8.30 is my limit. – I don’t have all this car-fare either! The drive to the garage, bus to here, xfer to Rock/PenLib. Need to get 29$card (to next Thurs. w/no work bet.). It’s getting tough. But, MY plan: MONDAY I’m TO THE SHELTER! I was going to go this mirning but the car must go in. – PS: Back to Waubeka on the 30th. I doubt I’ll survive that long. – 7.59 Somebody’s stirring. Probably Ev. I’m angry.
*Note: Yesterday, in a phone conversation w/Mimi, Ev had the chutzpah to say, when Mimi asked what I do in Waubeka: He drives us when we have errands but other-wise he has a little vacation.
WTBF? “vacation”? Right!
“Well, you always find something to do.” WTBF? OK! No more yard work, fire-place work, cleaning work, &c. work! From now on, I take .y “vacation”.

12.05 PenLib: SO much to say. No time. The car is in the garage. I have a new MetroCard (29$). I’m at the lib. – Had some words this morning because Moe had to go through the usual bullshit about calling the garage and such. He didn’t wake up until almost 9! So… I calmly said that I have things to do today because they offered me a couple of days and I have to arrange for housing and such and can’t stay there for 6 months. WELL! When I said that I’d gotten up early to get going but that I’m not “Stanley” and it doesn’t matter, Ev went off!
WE’VE GONE OUT OF OUR WAY… FUKDATSHIT! THEY’VE GONE OUT OF THEIR WAY. So I said “Oh, and I haven’t?”
RIGHT! 10$/hr TO BUST MY ARSE. NOT TO MENTION THE COMMENT SHE MADE TO MIMI ABOUT ME HAVING A VACATION AT WAUBEKA. AND THAT THEY’RE UPSET BECAUSE MIMI WANTS ME TO DRIVE HER UP TO WAUBEKA EVERY WK.END. THIS IS THE END! I’LL DRIVE MIMI WHERE-EVER SHE WANTS TO GO! SETTLED!
As I’d said yesterday, I dropped the car at the garage. Left my phone nr. with the mechanic. I don’t much care what the cost is to Moe at this juncture and I just want the piece of 15 year old shit out of my concern. Period. If need be, I’ll park at the shelter tonight. I’m finished.

23.41! Cleaned the May page up here. Got my music. Cleared e-mails. – At about 14.00, went to Tilden for coffee & poptarts lunch. NOBODY was at RAA so I sat at a picnic table, listened to the music, sang aloud, took sun & breeze. JUST WONDERFUL! – Left about 15.30. Decided to ring Moe re the car. He said it’d be ready by 16.30 so I headed back only to find Hank told him the car would be in over-night! When I arr’d Moe was in good mood. I was extremely tired. Again, no nap for me. We chatted. – Ev came about 18.00. Nice mood. No mention of this morning. She prepared burgers for dinner. I had ONE, some fries. She offered a 2nd burger. I declined. Hungry? Yes. But no more “charity”! – I mentioned pondering Burlington. But said I’m going to the shelter on Monday morning. No comments from either of them. – Ev INSISTED upon paying 5hrs Wed. Thu. & 1hr this morning. Cheque, of course. OK. I need the income. – Tired now. Running tomorrow. – Oh. Medical Consult: bumps under the skun on Ev’s arm. Itch. I recommended cortizone. She has (exp. 5/10). Still “helping”… I’m an idiot.

4.Jun:
6.57 WE’VE GONE OUT OF OUR WAY…
It keeps rolling over & over in my head like an old jingle, or lyric. It won’t go away. And I keep responding… aloud. Deep. It’s embedded. – I should be able to sleep a bit longer this morning. But once again, I need to get out & away. I’ve gone out of my way, but I don’t matter. – Last night I said “Call me when you hear about the car.” Even if they go to the garage by bus, neither of them can drive back. So it’s really on my shoulders. Ev’s reply: Don’t worry about it. – I went out of my way when, at 23.30, she wanted me to take a look at the itchy lumps on her forearm. Nicey-like, she approached me with it. Though, I think she wanted to say something, perhaps about the event of the day, my announcement about going to the shelter. But I don’t care to discuss it. – Today I ponder:
.Why she suddenly decided to pay me for Wednesday at Waubeka (5hrs), Thursday’s Dr. visit (5hrs) & an hour for taking the car to the garage on Friday. I see it as “PAY-OFF” to relieve her own (& his) conscience. I see it thus. But, at the rate I’ve been paid, uncomplainingly, all along, I take this 110. SHIT! They piss away more in HIGH-priced Drs. WTF Y NOT? – I left coffee, soap, my afghan, pillows & sleeping-bag in Waubeka. Nothing I can’t live with-out. Ah, yet ANOTHER afghan left behind. – Mimi wants a driver. M&E will forfiet THEIR visits now unless they can find a way. 4th of July? A week or 2 in August? I can imagine how this will be presented to Lois. Beth will, no doubt, let it float away (with her own prejudices). I cannot concern me with it all. – Today? Cloudy. Pondering: libraries (8539266), beach(?), sent 2 msgs. to Schmulik with no reply. No matter. JUST NOT HERE TODAY.
*POSTING AN ENVELOPPE FROM THE CRESCENT TO MY-SELF, TO TRACE DELIVERY.*
“WE’VE GONE OUT OF OUR WAY…” REALLY? JUST HOW?

7.22 Peninsula: 10-18.00 SIBL: 11-18.00
7.26 MOTEK!!! OK. PenLib 10-11.00/Lunch at Tilden 12-14.00/SIBL 16-17.00/Motek… Tight day but. (Then tomorrow…) Oh… Car? I doubt it. NOT THIS WEEK-END. I WON’T BE GOING OUT OF MY WAY.

5.June
0.30 on Sunday morning for Saturday: Managed to get out before they woke. Headed… I don’t remember! Oh yes… (SHIT! Forgetful.) Deposited the cheque right away then to The Rock, PenLib to type the 8539266. Trouble with the PC again but this time told the Manageress who gave me another PC & full time. I got another 2 days dine & she learnt that the Java scripts were blocked in the 3 PCs. So, 57 pages to be done in about 9 days. Right. – On to Waldbaums: 2 rolls, turkey, yoghurt, jar if oranges, Medaglia instant, PopTarts. Lunch. And Donna Grottano not speaking to me fuk her. – Tilden for lunch on a bench in the soccer field. A stroll to T6 (mostly because I had to pee). Penelope greeted me with hug & tears. I told her I’m olanning to leave next week for VT. She cried. I’m NOT touched. – I MUST get some sleep now. More later.
7.21 (SO BLOODY TIRED!) Saturday cont. I bounced the “gone out of our way” line off Pen. She found it “cruel”. Gave me a lecture on “giving away” my help/service & said I need to stop. Indeed. Then said “Now they’ll be sorry.” (when I’m no longer available). – She said she didn’t call because she believed I needed my time to sort & settle my dilema (I’m not buying into that). But I stayed until it was too late to go to MMLib but good to go see Motek. – Off to the Q35. 7th Av. line to “studio”. Arrived 16.00! Motek in good mood. He finished his work at 17.00 and we slowly went to the train. In Bklyn, he bought some wine & liquours & I walked him to his bldg. It was even more delightful to be with him. He too, encourages me with my “value”. Says “3k/mo. 250$/day.” Says I should go to Boston, not Burlington. Says he’ll go with me to Boston.(?) Says he too has lost “motivation” to do better with his potential… “If you had stayed with me you’d have a nice house by now…” He’s probably right. – Took the B54 across Bklyn. thinking Q54. Mistakenly git off too soon on Myrtle. It was 19.30! Rang Moe to say I’d be late. The car can’t be fixed until end of week. They need parts (500$) but I can pick it up tonight. I rang the garage. They won’t release it tonoght. (I didn’t want it anyway.) Got to the Q54 Ridgewood. Stopped for vodka (pint. 100proof) in Ridgewood. (I want to be drunk, at Tilden, on Sunday.) Arrived to smelts/potato salad at almost 20.45! NOT hungry. I had 5 fish. – We watched Bette Davis movie. Time for sleep.
7.44 I’m exhausted this morning. Heading to MMLib for some music to get drunk by. Showers in forecast. I need pedicure, shave. Don’t care. Fukkitall. Really.
9.49 BryantPark. No WiFi.No iTunes. But I AM SO TIRED! – Left the flat this morning as Moe was in the loo. Got to the bus only to find I’d left the ear-buds IN THE BED-ROOM! HAD TO BE BUZZED BACK IN! Feigned having forgotten car-fare. They both were up. Grabbed ear-buds. Said I’ve an appointment with AARP and bolted. Got another bus immed. Chatted w/a woman who’d bought large plants at HimeDepot. We talked bed bugs, leeches (African Queen), slugs. – Great connection to F train. – Odd. BryantPark in the morning. Tomorrow may begin more of just this. (May I die… at Tilden… today.) – To the library!
11.32 MMLib I’m being punished today. Still down-loading in the library. SLOW S.L.O.W.! Seems NOTHING is going right. I’m getting hungry. I’m tired. I want a cigarete & I’m ready to LEAVE. The diwn-loads have stalled. I’m pissed. TILDEN! VODKA! FUKME!
23.13 Last night in Glendale. Last night in a “real” bed. Last night in fresh air, windows open. Last night to “sleep”. Last night of IMPOSING. – A quick trip to Tilden. Upon arrival I made “coffee”: a spoon of Medaglia d’Oro, galf cup 100proof vodka, ice. Sipped. Talked with Penelope. Talked with Gary (who’s working himself to death). Talked with Janet. The vodka made me impossibly tired but relaxed. – Q22 to RiteAid for cigs & back to Glendale by about 17.00. NO! It’s IDENTICAL to Margot! Tired & NO REST! They’d begun packing Winter clothes & taken the bed. I’d wanted a nap. FUKMEAGAIN. So, I “went out of my way” to deal. – Dinner: left-over smelts, “salad”, coffee after & a night of PBS: Nature… HUMMINGBIRDS, then some operatic thing. – OK. Waste the evening. – Tonight:
Ev.”Do you have the car-keys?” (IT’S IN THE GARAGE!)
Moe.”Good luck. Wish things could be different.”
Ev.”Will you keep in touch?”
– I’m thinking: How are they going to get the car back? What will they do with it? How will they get around… there’s no food in the house & they’ve grown accustomed to Trader Joe’s & Costco. Pfft! Moe wants Costco dates. An appointment on The Island coming. Waubeka on 4 July? WHAT will this be when told to Lois? (And give me a key so I don’t have to be buzzed in. Trust me a little. Take that ‘gone out of our way” shit back. The room is excess for you. And TRY to appreciate what I’ve done for you.) – Well. I’m under covers, a slug o’vodka & tomorrow… GET OUT WITH-OUT CONVERSATION!
Tonight I said: Ultimately, there’s only ONE person we can each count on… Ev said “Your-self.” Yes m’Dear. I added: After my father. all else is easy. – I have to file my nails in the morning. – Meanwhile, maybe I’ll get laid this time… then killed. Looking forward to it.

2011.06/06-6.06
5.51 Not well this morning. Bad stomach. Knotted bowels. Churning gut. Feeling more like vomitting. I woke before the alarms. Have had coffee/cigarette. Wanting so much to sleep. But this morning it’s “MUST LEAVE” not “choose to leave”.
“Sorry things couldn’t be different.”
“We’ve gone out of our way…”
“When you got all those good jobs did you have that beard?” (Moe)
When I said, last night, ‘Ultimately, there’s only one person on whom you can depend…’ she said “Yourself. That’s very true.”
And I keep going back to Ren, Cathy & TJ. What goes around comes around.
“When you have, the whole world eats. When you don’t have, the world starves.” (Oma)
Spaces & places… here, Penelope. And I’m off to the shelter. What the fuk happened? What the fuk is happening? What the fuk is to happen? – Time to STOP this! – I need to get me out of here this morning. – I wonder if/when/where I’ll be sleeping tonight. – I’m not feeling well. Tired and ill.
And the bottom line: *NOBODY CARES*
Trim beard/nails. It’s to be a while until next time.

NYC8539266 - REVISITED