1.Mar:
6.56 DREAM: A young man stands beside my bed, looking at me. I wake & begin to say “It’s time already?” He motions that I should say nothing & points to my mobile-phone, the alarm is set. As I come out of sleep, the timer puts the light & radio on. I wake… refreshed.
DNS TIME OUT THIS MORNING UNTIL JUST NOW. I PAID THE BILL YESTERDAY.
Today begins my daily confinement. I dread this 40hr. week. A 2wk wait for the income. But hopefully the income will comfortably hasten departure from Bedlam.
I never liked this month. I can’t say why. I just never have.
A nap. Will walk to work. Take the biards. Save the car-fare. Accounts are dangerously low.
19.41 Left at 9.15. Took the boards. Arr’d 9.45. I walked briskly. Saved the car-fare too. – Cleaned Ant. at the loo. No major thing today. Met the “Nicole”. She was very sweet. Thanked me for taking an interest. The rest of the day? Brutal. Nothing to do but drink coffee, watch TV. I ran to McD’s for Pat. Something “to do”. By 13.00 I was itchy to leave. But… I MADE IT THROUGH… DAY 1. – The boards back. Rang Penelope. We just rang off. – Frsnks for dinner. Dishes dine already. TV in Nr7 on… but not too bad. – I’ll click avout Twit a bit. No real interest. – Nick has booboos from the wk-end! And how! Oh well. It was worth it. – Drink or PM? We’ll see. – And Copley’s stirring. But it’s still early… I suppose. (Black candle burns for her however.)

2.Mar:
21.02 Last night was a PM again. When I finally fall I stay asleep. But they’re very drying & I’m seeing it in my face. But I’m not drinking. – The day went quite busily. A’s clinic run was 5 hours! & he was EXHAUSTED! Poor guy. & just being in PHC annoys me anyway. – But I walked to (along the shore-line:15mins) & fm again today. The MetroCard still un-used. & realised en route back: “Normal” hrs have been 12/wk, yesterday & today has been 16! THIS HAD BETTER PAY! – Next week I have to exist on 90$! Not good. But… – Spoke w/Penelope this evening. She’s soundung good. – E-mail/Msg fm Schmulik. A health status report. He’s not well. Cold. Sore thriat. For him, such things are not good. But I’ve said he needs to take time for himself. He won’t. I won’t be-labour the issue. – MetroPCS is fucking about w/Web svce again tonight. Just as well. I need to get to sleep anyway. – Brief time on Twitter. – Another “PM” tonight.

3.Mar:
6.22 At about 22.00 last night, a phone call fm Noah. A written “agreement” r/t rent. He wants to mail it to me so I’ll have it by Sunday when he comes into Rockaway. Very kind of him. I don’t trust it. And, no doubt, this will be interferencw with my 40hr work week & potential increase in income. That’s just how Life tends toward me. I’ll ring him whilst A. is in PT today. See how to meet him on Sunday. Get it done with. – Last night, MetroPCS was instrumental in my timely repose. THROTTLED. And this mirnung I woke at 3.12. Went back to sleep until alarms. Woke a bit weary. Stomach out of sorts. But OK. – Msg. in fm Schmulik last night. He insists on sending e-mails to the phone! They just do as they please. Annoying. I replied via e-mail this morning. Direct. To the point. He’s lost a Dear Friend in me. – Moe has appt. w/Varachek today. They’ll be taking Access A Ride in the cold. I should care… I do not. – 3 months’ rent due & no help. The world is on its own now… as it leaves me to fend for me… alone. – Weary. So weary. A nap due then… back to work. Must drag a pak of cigs through to tomorrow. Can’t afford more now. Ah… poverty.
23.13 Walked the shore-line this morning. 15mins to 88th. Time warps at water’s edge. – The day went well. – I rang Noah. He’s posting the “agreement”. Says I’ll prob. rcv. on Sat. Said he doesn’t answer the phone on Sat. Another “Jew”. How comforting. We’ll see what the “agreement” holds. – Went to MMLib after work. Changed the Twitavatar & hit some e-mails… for new employment too. Left about 20.45. In at about 22.15. 2 peanut-butter sandwiches, a ranch dressing on bread, V8. No food in the place. Tomorrow’s going to be tough, shopping before sun-set. But food supercedes halacha I believe. – Spoke w/Penelope. Her friend is, in my opinion, dying. She’s a bit upset. I’ll be “there” on the wk-end. – Just a bit tired. Too late for a sleeper. I’ll try for & hope in a belt of vodka. Been so good all week. – 9 cigs left in today’s pack! Good. – A 12hr cheque tomorrow. Fuk. But the 7day MetroCard is still un-used. Food on stamps. Cigs tho. Cigs. – Must get to nap.

4.Mar:
21.41 They give… then take. – Interesting day: My debit card took 4 swipes at RiteAid this morning. All day, all went well until 18.00 when Nancy rang thru & I couldn’t clock out. Ramdai said, consequently, she’d take care of it. – I shopped for food tonight at C-Tiwn. OK. Walked back. – A”stip” fm Noah: drop all counter-claims on my dispo. NOT! – Then the phone. DNS probs. Then outages. – 3 drinks aren’t hitting. – En route to Bedlam, Margot. She’s being hateful toward me & not saying why. – The black candles seem to be answered. Now I wonder by whom. They’ve silenced Nrs.5&7. Who is demanding payment? It’s not good. – Considering: a)court again w/suit for lost income & b)Atropa-vodka tonight. But it’s Shabbat. Noah is shomer Shabbat. I’ll wait til, at least, Sunday. The ticket “out” is here. – Spoke w/Ev. They’re doung Access A Ride. I said I’d try for the 29th. – Right now? Atropa is looking better. – Now to see if this will post… Margot? (She must be angry about something. I know it. But I TRIED to be a good Friend… I DID!)
21.55 I can say, “Officially”: I have no family. Not even Penelope. When my presence is gone… so too, am I. I’m at much peace wirh that. When I’ve “departed” I will not linger. Just “go”.

5.Mar:
7.55 I don’t know what it is or was but I HAD to get to the loo at 4.41! It woke me! WOW! THE REAL RUNS! Gurggling. Churning. Black-brown water. Gas. Pork in the rice & beans? Bad sirloin from C Town? Nerves? The vodka? I’ve got sweats & head-ache too. A total mess this morning. And a “Stip”, all quite legal, from Noah, that I accept this place “as is”, drop all counter-claims, pay 3200 less 1600. I should never have trusted him, nor opened that envelope lsst night. – LOO again. 8.03.
8.33 Scrubs washed. Hanging. Haircut was on the agenda. Not today. Stimach churning but black water is done… I hope. & of course… I get a full 40hr week & now I have to cut into it with court. I calc’ed yesterday. It’s still coming to only 800/mo. I cannot & will not continue living… existing like this. Even double this income barely covers rent alone. It canNOT continue this way. It just CAN’T. AND WON’T. There’s so much to be done to change this. & for the 1st time in my existence I don’t know where to begin. I truly don’t. & I think of clothes for interviews. I have none. I have nothing. All is done on internet these days. It’s slow. It’s tedious. I don’t have internet. So much is needed. So very much. Even if I could arrange to pay-off rent, I can’t afford it. At 600/mo, I exist on 200/mo, 50/wk. Not good. No time anymore to job-hunt. No time to fight for housing. No going back to The Shelter. I was lucky the last time. It won’t be so a next time. The weather still prohibits living out-doors. The options are very low. Moe’s PC has finally died. That option is gone. So much is collapsing. So very much. And on the 15th, the 1986 anniversary. And where have I come in those years? To THIS? I suppose I should simply remember: KADIMA… & just shut-down, move ahead, move forward, do what needs to be done, each step in its turn. But shut-down, again… shut… down… go blindly… KADIMA. – Time to get out of this box for the day. KADIMA.
20.30 Just waking for the 2nd time since I got in fm Tilden. The runs have stopped but the headache lingers with exhaustion. It’s some kind of bug. & nerves too, no doubt. – So I made it ti Tilden by about 11.00. Stopped at PO. 2 paystubs, re-cert fm FS, the return recpt fm taxes, gloves fm PIC. Spent the day. Snapped at Joan (& apologised, I felt terrible!) Penelope keeps telling people that some Chinese woman on AvU told her about drinking ginger tea. I TOLD HER. Hmm… And I told her about the “stip”. (I was SO down&out of things I told her I was feeling miserable.) SHE interpreted it as “BRIBERY”. I noticed a docket nr. 2009 on it. I checked on-line. It doesn’t exist. So… BACK TO COURT. OF COURSE. – Back by 16.30. Cooked the rest if the beef w/black beans & a touch if rice. Dozed as it cooked. Dreamt of going to a costume party of some sort. Odd. But I was apprehensive about walking through the drunks here (Rockaway St. Pat’s Day). – 45mins doze. I ate. Put dishes into sink. Dozed again through Prairie Home Companion. Still quite tired. (Depression/Anxiety) – Tomorrow I need to get more vit.C; want to get to storage, put the Wolverines, some art in there. Time to move more out of here. I’m fed-up. And I need to cut my hair. And get Feb. paystubs copied for FS. – Well, it’s about to be either a late, sleepless night or an early night. Either way, Noah is coming in tomorrow… I will not be here. Monday, back to court. – No matter how you look at it: I’m fukkd again.

6.Mar:
5.53 Awake. And again this morning, in “bolt” mode. Run. Get out. Quickly. Go. Move. Thinking of timing. Avoidance. Stress. Last night I took 1 PM at about 22.30. I think it helped. The head-ache is gone. No churning guts this morning. – It’s supposed to rain today. 2 holes in the umbrella. And I’d given it a soaking of water-proofing. Now I need a new one. Another expense. – Realised last night that I must get the FS doc to them by the 10th… the day FS are out on my acct. They’re trying to cut me off again. Trying to trip me up for the OneShot no doubt. – Must cut hair this morning. – Penelope asked if the 40hr week is too much for me. No. It’s the other crap that weighs heavily. – Libido has been gone all week. Things are not good. – KADIMA.
7.50 HAIRS ARE CUT! Floor is kinda swept. A touch of dusting. Now to “time” the rest of the day… KADIMA!
17.32 Wolverines & the canvasses to storage this morning. Then to Tilden for the day. All was good until about 15h. Went to the loo & a little gas was “productive”. I almost shat on my pants. Something’s wrong. Nerves. – On 9 Feb.Noah showed at 18.30.
18.49 I all but passed out when I posted the previous. VERY tired these days. Even as I’m sitting in T6, my eyes want to close. Just exhausted. So this new court trip should be interesting. That’s where the Stip is going. Even Penelope saw right through/into it. Now, more than before, I need to be heard in court. Is it worth it? Only for the time to get out. Just get out. – Meanwhile, I’m still expecting Noah to show at the door. And I’ve nothing to say. Dodge the issue until I get from court. Tomorrow morning. Here we go. – FATE put Matt & Helene at the front door when I came in from Tilden. They’re hot about getting back into court. So, for the 1st time, I won’t be alone in this. – Well, earlier, after storage, I picked-up new razors, vit.C, 2 paks of cigs. OK for that. – Ate cold left-overs for dinner. I’m still hungry. But my guts are churning a bit. It’slmy nerves. Esp. when I think I’ll be late to work tomorrow which means late out of work tomorrow. Quite the fukery again. But I’ll just shut-down & do what needs to be done. – Right now, I’m tempted to take a PM & hope for sleep through the night. But if I only get 7hr I’ll be up by 2.00 & running the day too long tomorrow. But in an hour? I’ll do the dishes (“dishes”… plastic) & pop a PM. 3.00 or 4.00 is going to have to do. Besides, I’ll have to be on the bus by 7.00. Court at 8.30. Maybe I’ll be able to make work by 10.00. 10.30 latest. – Things CAN go well enough. They usually don’t. But they CAN. Just keep confrontation away. That’s all. That’s all. – I’m just concerned about the headaches, fatigue & diahreah. I’ve no time to be sick. Not w/full-time work ahead. Not now.

7.Mar:
5.18 A bit of difficulty getting to sleep even w/a PM. But once out I was gone. Woke before the alarms (3 were set). Waited for the 1st. – Even w/hair cut, I’m a mess this morning. And tummy not very well. A bit off. Stress. – “Trying to end Homelessness” on NPR. Hmmm… 1st thing in the morning. 1st thing on THIS morning. Not going to thunk about it. Just not. – I do expect much complication to come of this. So, I should be ready for it. – SSLib open til 20.00 tonight. I’ll pop in after work… hopefully I’ll make it to work… not later than 10.30.
7.37 Bus. Stomach churning. As if something is trying to stop me, make me later so I won’t go to the CourtHouse. – This morning, another roach on the 5/6 wall. I wonder why suddenly they’re back. – Day 3 of bad stomach. Doctor? – KADIMA.
21.46 WHAT a MISERABLE MONDAY! I did wake just before the 5.00alarm. & I did get a 7.30 bus to JamaicaAv. But it was COLD, I’m not feeling well (body aches, fatigue, bad gut) & the train too forever! THEN, the queue to get into the Court House wound inside & out to the street. But I sailed through security wearing the leather jock. OK. – I GOT TO SEE THE COURT RECORDS FOR BOTH CASES. THE L/T Nr. ON THE STIP IS FROM THE TAX OFFICE ON THE 1st FLOOR! CLOSED. NOAH CHECKED THE FILE FOR OUR CASE ON 2 FEB. BUT WHEN I ASKED TO PUT OURS BACK ON THE CALENDAR THE ATTY SAID IT CANNOT BE DONE. ALL MUST BE RE-COMMENCED! I GOT ALL THE FORMS: CASE, INSPECTION, HARASSMENT AND FEE WAIVER! THE COURT HOUSE OPENS AT 8.00 THURSDAY. I’LL FILE!!! – The trip back to work was murder. The Q41 was late. The A train was out if svce. I got to work at 11.00 and gave A. a shower! Did some light shopping for Pat. That house became “sanctuary. THAT’S how frazzled I was! – THEN I LEARNT THAT FRIDAY’S CLOCK-OUT DIDN’T GO THRIUGH… A.G.A.I.N.!!! SO… Got out at 18.00. Will have P. sign time sheet tomorrow for my 8hrs. Fuck the honesty routine here. – As I get to the corner to catch the buslto SSLib, COPLEY’S STANDINGLTHERE SQUAWKING AT SOME BLACK WOMAN! But when the bus arrived, I simply boarded before her. She said nothing to me. – SSLib? NO COMPUTERS! – Waldbaums for chicken & such. As I’m checking-out at self-check, Michael F. whom I’d met at T6 a while ago caught me. He was wearing a kippa! Too funny. Got talking… boldly… tried to learn if I’m Gay. I remained non-commital. But I look up… DENISE & CARMELO RIGHT ATLTHE NEXT SELF-CHECK-OUT!!! I continued my chat w/Michael until I HAD to go. D&C said NOTHING! – Rang Penelope whilst chicken& rice cooked. She re-affirmed: SUE FOR 10GRAND! She’s pissed about the Stip. Then re-affirmed my Trustworthiness. Imagine. (Yet she doesn’t remember that I told her about ginger tea.) – So I’ve eaten. Still feeling ick. Just took a PM. Tomorrow will be another day to deal with…

8.Mar:
5.46 The good Levis are soaking. Last night’s PM didn’t put me to sleep. It helped keep me asleep. Dinner is burping up this morning. And, last night, slight shit-spots on my grey sweats… I thought it was gas. This morning I’m a bit tired. Not as “heavy” as previous days. But tired. – I started the court forms. Yes, this is the way it must go along. Even Penelope suggested. I somehow trust her years of survival. – A time sheet for yesterday at 8hrs. I did, in fact, put the hour in, by arriving early. I’m merely getting paid for exrta time worked. No thievery. – Heater is on this morning. Cool in here. No doubt the -1 out there truly is. – How strange, this Creation, that I should, on the same evening, be in proximity to Copley, Ortega & DD’ little bitch. And that I should see Michael F. (& learn he’s in the house I’d checked when I first moved here). How odd he’s going to Beth El. Just strange. I wonder why… And that the computers at SSLib should be down. This is a strange place, this World, indeed. – I can soak the jeans & grab a nap yet. I’m wondering what my guts will be like… today.
7.02 (8Mar.Tue.) Woke on time. Twit-a-bit. Washed the blue Levis. Then napped too long. Showered. Then HAD to wash sweat pants. Made me a tad late. Bus to work. 10.07 clock-in. Nancy arr’d… THE SHIT HIT THE FAN! She came in like storm troopers: telling me what SHE says they SHOULD be getting according to HER research! She talked over & through me, wouldn’t shut up! Nicole RN arr’d. Perfect timing. I simply said I’ll call me off the case. Pat sobbed. I rang Ramdai to talk w/Nancy. Nicole talked with me. *I’M ON A PERM 40hr WEEK.* *LONG-TERM CARE.* *THIS IS MY FULL-TIME PT. ON THE ROCK. ALL DAY. EVERY DAY “FOREVER” as Nicole put it.* Nancy got an attitude. I simply said “I don’t have to talk w/you.” – Meanwhile, MANY supplies were ordered. Things should get better. – The Clinic rang. A’s got apptmnt 2morow! I arranged p/u. – I bust too much for my pt. I need to pace. Truly. & I’m too sensitive to issues for what I get paid for doing what I do. I need other work, better pay. But I’ve got 40hrs/week now. Benefits, sick time, medical, etc. TWO YEARS! ALMOST THREE. And that “living & working on The Rock”. – 18.00 out. Train to MMLib. PC at 19.55. GCVmail went into “restricted”! I still don’t know why. Looked it up on-line. MANY others were having the prob. No one knew why. – Swept through new Twitter-followers. Out by about 21.00 – Rang Moe. Ev in The City at a show. They did nothing about the car/tyre. Talking w/him tells me he’s slipping a bit mentally. Confused things I told him. It must be difficult for Ev. I said I’ll do what I can r/t his L.I. MD on the 29th. I probably won’t take them. I’m upset about paying tax on the time I gave them. Even Penelope says, repeatedly, the 40$ is insulting. – Picked up 2 Glade candles at DR Woodside. Bus to Bedlam. In at about 22.30. Quick-cook dinner. Shower. Bed by 23.30. – A BLOODY NASTY DAY… IN GENERAL.

9.Mar:
7.27 I forgot to put the ringer back on the cell last night. Vibrate. Barely heard the 5.00 alarms. But even so, slept until 7.00. Thankfully the PM worw off. And I’m not in any particular mad-dash. – GCVmail is back! YAY! – The beard’s going back to grey. I don’t much care. – Court papers are almost cimplete. Tomorrow I want to file. Get this done. Need to for time to save, find another place.
NO “SHELTER”! NO “SHELTER”! NO “SHELTER”!
SO much talk about job-cuts, un-employment, foreclosures. Horrid economy. But the propoganda insists we’re re-bounding. Families are moving “back home”. Nobody can afford their own these days. A guy in TX complains of no work. But nobody admits to a formal “Depression”. This country is based, primarily, on bull-shit.
Stirring in the hall. 7.36.
I cashed-in the Newburgh lotto tkt (4$) last night. Sad.
I thought, last night: I must get into anger & just fight this housing battle with all resources available. Penelope is right. Noah lied to me, takes me for the fool. I was forth-coming & honest. Duped.
Potty time. And the on with the day… on a job I’m not truly happy with but one I HAVE. – I dread the time I’ll lose with Court. JUST when I get the full-time! – MUST keep Court separate from work. Must “Compartmentalise” my mind. Keep all separate. The spill-over is what’s burning me out.
Wednesday. Mittwoch. Finally.

21.57 Dead tired. Got to G’s at 9.44. A. to clinic 11-14.30. They’re running more tests r/t HepC. Nancy in a tirade r/t separate dishes. Idiot gurl. – Pat admitted HepC/HIV. I should have known… but HHA’s normally shouldn’t. – Walked to RiteAid for cigs, sm.candles, shamooo. Had to use TD OD! Wrong cigs. Not lights! – Rang Penelope as I ate dinner. – WINDY! COLD! Threats of floods for tomorrow. Will hold off court til Fri. Found all details I need. – Hopefully will get PC time at SSLib tomorrow night. – Took a PM just to “help” sleep tonight. – Note: 3 loads rubbed into loggers, 2 coats silicone to seal the boots and the loads. Hot idea. – Now to sleep…

10.Mar:
7.23 Woke at some point during the night for unknown reason. It was enough to throw sleep cycle off. So didn’t wake til 6.30. Have been reviewing these pages for harassment details. Much for 2010, little for 2011. Not good toward litigation. But I’ll figure some way. – Decided against court this morning against my urge to go. Inclement weather today. I can go tomorrow. If Nancy Grtno wasn’t here I’d ask Pat for time. But assuredly things will sort out. – In no mood to twit. In no mood for a great deal of things. I wonder if FS have been cut… again. No word on 1-Shot. It’s been 32 days! – How I wish this were Friday. Why? Simply because. I’m tired. But we’re completing a 40hr week! And more to come. – There’s time for a nap… I think. Will exchange cigs of lsst night. – Ah rain. The umbrella is broken but suffices. Everything in my existence simply suffices. Suffices…
19.28 RAIN! WIND! RAIN! Just finished dinner. – The day? 1.Wrong cigs fm last night got exchanged. I walked to RiteAid in the wind & rain. 2. Work went rather well indeed. 3. NOAH CALLED. LFT MSG. WANTS ME TO CALL HIM W/CONCERNS. 4. ALL COURT PAPERS, SAVE “VIOLATIONS” COMPLETE. 5. Long-Term Care begins nxt wk. I’m OK w/it… so far. 6. Took rrain to B116. NO BLOODY PCs AT SSLib! 7. Took train to B105 KeyFood (FS! YAY!). Good shopping. 8. Got a 22bus IMMEDIATELY. 9. In. Cooked. Done. – 25deg. in here. Hmmmm… Suspicious.
21.11 Dinner. Dessert. Shower. Fruit. Done. – At 20.24 the clomping, thumping & such began up-stairs. Court is going to cost Mr. Smith, one way or another. All I need to find is the time to file. Tomorrow I’ll call at 5.30, leave a “re-assuring’, brief message. Weather permitting, I’m off to file. If not, Monday assuredly. – This evening, Pat’s daughter Nancy asked my availability for private duty. I joked 75$/hr. cash. She said they were thinking 10. HAH! I said I don’t do 10 anymore & generously offered 15… cash. NO MORE 10$/hr & NO MORE CHEQUES! In facr, others will be 20$ take or leave. Fuk. Really. – One PM taken. I’m crawling into bed, light & radio on. Hooefully to sleeo through the night. – Twitter was quiet. A brief fm Jordan. – Tomorrow is Friday. I wonder how little I’ll be paid for 36 hours’ work. I MUST DEPOSIT TO TD! Weather permitting, I shall after work. Must bend Shabbat. – 21.22 Nrs. 5 &.14-15 at the tap-tao. NOTHING from Nr.7 in days. One down… for now. Ah, the Courts, they are a-comin’. – Now to hope with all for sleep.

11.Mar:
4.00 (9.00GMT) I woke at 3.41! Night-sweats. Hmmm… Again. – Earth-quake, 8,4, No.Japan. Tsunami warnings. Australia & So.Am. Goodmorning.
19.50 Q53. 156Av. Heading back to The Rock.
There is no peace, no matter how hard one strives.
My right sidelhurys. My bladder is about full. My bowels want release. Fatigue. – Day, pretty much from Hell. The Grot house was FULL! They don’t speak, any of them. They YELL! At EVERYTHING! It really was difficult. Ramdai rang to tell me, again, about my PPD. – But this eve. I thwarted Noah. Told him I’d signed his agreement & got it out today. Monday morning I’ll be at the court-house. He wants to play silly games? I don’t. So we play LEGAL now. – And the North Channel is behind me. Broad Channel. Soon. – Mac’n’Cheese(box) for dinner. Tonight I think I’ll have a drink. It’s been a while. – I need a shower. – My Shabbat is ruined by these 40 hours. BUT I MADE IT THROUGH THE WEEK! – Dep TD 200. 148 bal. 48 avail. 36hrs. But I have cigs. & enough for unltd. car-fare. I’ll be ok… not OK… but ok.

12.Mar:
7.40 A rather rare morning. 27,5deg. in here. All the wash I’d wanted to do is done. Sneakers for work are 3x whitened. The laces are hanging to dry. The chicken & rice, cooked last night, is in the fridge. The 2 lousy drinks of last night are being felt, a touch. But I’ve been so productive. 2nd coffee awaits. Just so productive. – I’m ANGRY this morning. Dissociatedly ANGRY. Noah took me for an idiot. The paper-work for court is complete. Just the briefs need be done. I’ve got long-term 40hr weeks coming & Noah & his clowns are interfering w/that success. I’m ANGRY. But there’s an “energy” just out-side my physical body that’s supportively moving me forward to battle. A confidence, just out-side me. And looking at my morning accomplishments & the 7.00 hour is encouraging me. Accomplished this morning. Accomplished. – There’s interference on the radio. It wasn’t there at 5.30. There’s thumping up-stairs. The sink drain stinks. I’m ANGRY. But no energy is going into the anger. It’s “here”; it’s “there” but it’s not touching me. I’ve been taken for a fool. I must & do retaliate. But I don’t mind. – And the Neutrogena face stuff seems to be doing good things to the forehead furrows. We shall see. I NEED to fill my face out quite a bit. I’ve grown sallow. Something is “eating” me away. But… I don’t worry. Too much else to do. – Tilden by 10 today.
10.27 Q35 to Tilden. A lump in my intestines, right side. A lump in my throat. The sensation of going/needing to vomit. The intermittent need to blow my bowels clean. Hypersalivation. And the rest of me feels great. OK. What’s this all about then?

13..Mar:
12.02 Q35 to Tilden. – Last night’s stim went on for HOURS w/nothing. I even went to bed stimming. This morning’s results were minimal. Something’s wring & I’m not happy about this! If it’s stress because of Bedlam, I’ll take the whole house down! – All day yesterday, the urge to BM & pain. The pain is still there but bowels are a bit better. – Just saw Helene. She’s looking fwd to court date. – 12.07 Tilden.
16.52 Bedlam. Gary never showed. I went to storage last night, missing Prairie Home, to get the Maglight for this, for nothing. – I feel like shit. Body achey. Last night? I hope so. But it hurts to pee… not last night. – As I left the house today, Denise & Carmelo came out through the gate. I made no acknowledgement. Denise had to grunt at me. – Court tomorrow.
19.49 Just up fm a 45min nap which I HAD to take. HAD! When I got in at about 16.45 I ate dinner, was SO weary it was painful. I remember Margot & Newburgh at these times. Physically painful fatigue. I forced my-self to Beach 99cent where I bumped into Bunky & Cindy Grot… briefly. Got some soap, candles, cleaner. Back to was dinner dishes. I HAD to nap! I’m feeling achey, drained. Flatulent. Difficult to pee. As if my body’s simply shutting-down. Horrid. – The nap helped a bit. I washed a few items. Had eclairs for dessert. Now? I’ll take a PM at about 20.30 & HOPE, HOPE, HOPE for a thorough night’s sleep. Tomorrow? I’ll be ON the bus at 7.45 to Jamaica. Those papers WILL be filed! As Penelope says, he (Noah) asked for it. Andlwhen I think, I’m being charged 8,50/mo for an empty savings acct because of the shit I was dealt & the lies, she’s right. Now? I have NO savings AND this court bit along w/the continued noise is costing me even MORE! Now I’m TRAPPED here. And I’m not going to remain TRAPPED! So the papers go to court & so do we. – I don’t doubt this illness is due, in great part, to stress… especially the nightly stress of worrying about being able to sleep. I need rest. I really need… rest.

14.Mar:
5.09 Woke at 1-something to pee. Right back to sleep. Woke at 4.42, peed. Back to sleep. Lights on at about 4.58. Temp in here 27. I’m having coffee, soaking boot-socks. A little groggy. But I sleot. – Rather quite painful in that right area. I wonder what it is. But I don’t want to know. No surgery! No more if that. – Urinating burns. Hmmm. Something’s not right but nothing seems “wrong”. – Things are about to get interesting.
8.25 Q53 to Jamaica. Grey-green stool this morning. Sx Chron’s, IBS, hep, &c. Meanwhile, feeling rather weak, fatigued.
12.46 Q53 to The Rock… work. Arr’d court by 9.03. Papers went to Judge at 10.02. Came back at about 11.25. Had to post them TODAY. P.O. on Archer… I’m hungry, tired, pissed-off. But Inspection on 28.4. COURT ON 9.5!. If I don’t get fired I’ll be able to save & move! MOVE! Of course I expect major shit at Bedlam. But the Harassment papers went out too.

15.Mar:
1986.
NINETEEN EIGHTY-SIX!
1986.
5.18 Japan. Radiation. (But not as bad as Chernobyl.) 40 CT scans/hr. enough to cause radiation poisoning. Caused by Nature. An earthquake. A tsunami. Nature. And nuclear energy. The morning. This morning. Japan. After Hiroshima. After the atomic bomb. Japan. Radiation. Again. This time… Nature. – And what of the Earth? Where does the aftermath of this go? It doesn’t “go”. It “stays”… in our atmosphere. It stays & it spreads.
Court papers will arrive in Great Neck today. Retaliation will begin. Will there be time to move? Time to accumulate enough to move? Time enough to find a good place to move to? “The season” is coming. Will there be enough time? Will retaliation be strong & swift? I anticipate evil deeds. Important items must be removed from here.
Last night, about 21.00, lights out. No drink. No medication. I fell asleep. I slept through until 5.00. I woke to light & radio. I woke before alarms. I slept. No drink. I slept. No medication. – Fried eggs (4) with mozarella for dinner. Sweet potato pie for dessert. – I slept through. No drink. I slept through. No medication.
It’s Tuesday already.
19.10 The court papers were delivered at 14.25 today. And just as I left Bedlam, at about 19.01, Denise & Lorraine were at the top of the stairs, in darkness (the light out again) chatting. No doubt, the shit is about to hit. Oddly, HRA rang today: THE I ONE SHOT CHEQUE IS WAITING FOR ME. But… I need a lettre of permission to get it… fm Noah. If I give it, I’ll be in debt to HRA. If not, no debt. But it’s good for leverage. – It’s been a bad day. The dog shat on the kitchen floor. I had to clean it up. Ant had the runs. Pat got distressing news r/t her CA. But I got a lift fm Bnky to the house. Had red salmon salad & pie. Washed dishes. – Want to snooze. Am en route to MMLib. Bus/A/L/4. Add a pg. to Bedlam blog*, clean gmail/twitter.
*Pat & Nancy tell of a guy on 114, about 10yrs ago, complained about landlord. Got his neck broken & thrown out the window. (Just noting. I wouldn’t put it past Denise/Carmelo… even Phil.)
23.55 “Barbara”. I chsnged fm the 53 to 21 at JamaicaAv. What a sweet driver! TRULY! – Just got in moments ago. THIRSTY! & finished the Total cereal. (Salmon for dinner. Total before bed.) – It’s been very quiet in Twitter of late. (& I’ve been sober. Hmmm..) – KHRNY back on the radio. Very nice. I’ll have to be certain I can still get it when I move from here. – I’m over-tired now. Good I don’t have to be at work until 10.00. – How nice; Lorraine’s still awake. – Well, the Bedlam blog has a new page. It’s more concise now too. And it will be a running account, for court. I mention “confirmation from HRA” on it. I’ll have to stall them for a bit. I din’t want Noah to have the miney since I’ll have to pay it back to HRA. Still, it’s good to know I can leverage it if need be… this wek. – I really could use a shower. I’m really too exhausted. I’m going to try for some sleep. – Lorraine’s playing in the hall. Crackhead.

16.Mar:
7.40 Tummy out if sorts. Last night was a bit of a push I guess. Hopwfully the soft food will “cleanse”. But the unsettled gurgling concerns me. – The pain in the right side has subsided a bit. No PM’s the past couple of days. No drink either. Intwresting. – The 7hrs sleep wasn’t enough. I don’t like waking at 7.00. – Orlando hasn’t been around for some time. I wonder. I “got into” his Timberlands & he disappeared. (I still regret having lost them when they went to the street. I wonder who’s wearing them these days.) But it’s been quiet. – I wonder what’s happening with Denise now. I don’t trust her, & certainly no longer trust Noah. Yet, I think of the Rockites I’ve come to know. And if anything should happen to me & they stop seeing/hearing fm me, I can be pretty certain suspicions will turn on this house. (Even Penelope said: They hate me because I know better & won’t stand for being abused & lied to.) – & the rent cheque lies in the HRA office on B59. If it’s about the money, the cheque should make a difference. If Noah had been honest with me, he’d have his money, I’d be caught-up & ready to continue. People have to lie. But not to me. – Rain today… and through the wk-end. – The timer just put out the light 7.53. Stomach churns. I’d like a nap. – Twitter is calm. – A dark morning.
7.57 Yesterday was “25 YEARS”. I recall only brief bits of the whole process. I have precious little of anything from it. And I carry that with me… always. 25 years. Almost half of my entire life. – Last night, coming up from the F it struck me: I’ve resided in NYC for most of my existence. That’s something. A “NY’er”, to be sure. Most of my existence in this dump. And so many would luv to live here. How we take some things for granted. And how others don’t know the quieter, almost rural bits of NYC. But I find then. – The clomping up-stairs is quieter this morning. So too, the moving of furniture. I wonder if Denise didn’t come up last night to put in a rug or something up there… in response to the court papers. – A quick nap. Then off we go. I’ve head-ache this morning as well. Not looking forward to the coming 8hrs. (And the pay is hardly worth the effort.) But Pat appreciates & the loud one leaves today for 10 days. OK.
22.05 THE WINDOW WALL IS JAVELED! Quite WHITE. Especially when compared tolthe ceiling (which I probably will NOT do, simply because it’s too much work.) 1,60$ for a gal. Clorox. Should do the whole job. And it cuts odours, kills bugs. Voila, la! – And the day went well. PEACE. Bnky is gone. Peace. Got much done. Pat slept. She’d gone for haematology this morning. It hurts me to think I can’t do much for her. But when she talks, I listen. – Spoke w/Penelope… clueless, out-of-reality Penelope. Japan is more important. The U.S. has LOTS of money. People who are losing their homes are to blame themselves. It (she) makes me sick. – And although I should shower, I won’t. I’ll try for some sleep instead. – The curtain matches the ceiling. Ick. But I’m not concerned. It’ll get washed… eventually. It matches the ceiling. – KHRNY still on the radio… Hokey tonight.

17.Mar:
20.48 The weather turned rather warm, the skies were clear. Pat had a house-full for her b’day. Butlit went rather well & I had a bit of corbed beef, cabbage & potato w/tge family. It really was delicious. – Work wasn’t bad. – I’ve bleached 2 walls, had dinner, done dishes. Am looking to quickly shower in a moment. – Difficult breathing because of the bleach. But the walls are clean, white. OK. – Tired now though.
21.55 The light now goes off at 21.53 & on shortly after 5.00. OK. – I’m showered. Had peaches. Feeling rather OK. It’s warm enough in here but Copley’s at the wall so I’ll open the window, put on the heater for “white noise”. No PM/drinks this week. The pain in my side is almost gone. I don’t know how I’ve managed to sleep through the nights, considerung the stress. The 8hr work probably helps. – Only 38hrs this week though. But tomorrow brings a 40hr pay-cheque. (IT HAD BETTER BE WORTH THE EFFORT!) – The Twitter talk is the Black Party this week-end. Another “I’ve never been”. And now I never will… age & such. But I don’t really care. – As a note: I think I may have damaged something by my last cath. Urine & semen burn at the glans. I got pomegranate-cranberry juice yesterday. Hope to flush things back to normal. If not? Not. – The walls are pleasant. But what a contrast with the ceiling! This room is FILTHY! The floor coverings need ckeaning. The floors need cleaning. I MUST was the bed-clothes. I truly don’t have the timw now. And I will NOT give my Shabbat to it. My nails need filing. Beard needs trimming/maybe colouring (I might go back to silver though). I’m quite a mess. Nothing close to “real” any longer. Moving to this dark little room has really destroyed me. – Well. Friday & another week done. Travel to the MD w/Bkls in the morning. Must try for sleep. – Congested from the javel fumes. But it’s cleaner. That’s important.

18.Mar:
20.40 Had entred the day… the e-mail addresse failed. Fuk WP!
20.45 The Day: 9.33 I’m busting my arse to get out on time & Jim Miller rings! No msg. OK. Fine. – I get to Grott before 10. Bkls is SOAKED! P/U at 10.30 to MD! The driver had to wait. We arr. at PHC shortly after 11. The MD doesn’t come in until 12.30! It was a hot day. I was over-dressed. We waited. The MD (3rd fl.) was sweet, attentive. She found “ceackles” in Bkls’ chest. CXR STAT (1st fl.). OK. Fine. He handled it like a pro! 1 shot. Back to 3rd fl. They called for transport home. We arr’d 15.00. I fixed Bkls’ lunch. Both of us exhausted. – THEN Billy comes aling, cussing at Bkls to gwt up, walk, get out! (He wanted to get kaid is why.) SHOVES Bkls out in the wheel-chair, caught his legs under it. I told him (B) to be careful (Bkls has thrombocytopaenia). He cussed ME out! I notified Rmdai. She noted the records. – I’ve in-svce next minth! Need white sneakers now! When I NEED to SAVE to MOVE! – Pat & Nancy come back at about 17.00. I try to relay the MD visit. Billy makes a big deal. He’s drinking too (Bud). – 17.47 Noah calls. Msg: wants to make “amicable” agreement w/out court. Says “touche” & ends w/”Shabbat Shalom”! Fuuuk. He REALLY doesn’t want to go to court. – I also spoke w/Penelope & Ev today. – As I waited at B96 for the bus, Denise & Carmelo drive by. Denise points at me as they drive by toward Arverne. I was on the phone w/Penelope. Told her about D&C & the lore of the guy on B114: broken neck. – KeyFood & RiteAid before Bedlam. – In, dinner: burger, fries, V9, peaces/half’n’half. All done by 19.45…
(PostTime: 21.12)At PHC: Sean/Shawn fm Baxter’s! A pt.! I almost didn’t know him. He’s lost weight. Looks SO CUTE! Says he had “an episode”, fell down some stairs. Doesn’t recall anything. Says they had to restrain him. (Figures. Cute… something wrong w/him.) He’d been in x11 days, was waiting for a ride home. (I’d’ve carried him. Too bad… he’s straight. Ah well. Probably for the better.) He was so kind to me when I first came to Rockaway. Always pleasant ever after.

19.Mar:
8.43 The window “curtain” no longer matches the ceiling… because I washed it… at 23.00 last night. Why? Because I had 2 vodka drinks. And although I’m pleased with the curtain, I am not pleased about being awake later than I’d planned, nor the “ick” this morning. Then too, I woke at 5, felt terrible, went back to sleep.
DREAM: Leaving for Albany. No particular reason. I’d decided I wanted to go. But I needed a hotel room. Asked sister C. to look on-line for a hotel there, just a few names & addresses. Nothing specific. Told her I needed the info right away. She failed to even begin. I was anxious, planning in going, having no place to stay when I arr’d. – It was raining. Always raining. – A lot of having to climb over & around misplaced furniture. At one point, I was out-side (UnionSq. Park?). Many people. A rally of some sort(?). Drizzle. I was under a very tall tree. Trying to figure where to go when I arr’d in Albany. I was angry, anxious, disappointed. I didn’t actually HAVE to go but I felt I needed to go. And agaun sisterC. disappointed me by ignoring my request for help as if she wanted me to have no place to stay when I arr’d & be left out in the rain. – I woke.
Today, I must get to the PO. This week coming I must arrange for someone to be here for repairs. Pat has multiple appointments. I NEED to get another job. 275$/40hrs is NOT worth the effort or aggravation. Anxieties!
Must get me together & get out.
Msg. fm.Penelope. Hopefully she’s en route to Tilden.
Very windy today.
9.01. Time to get moving here.

20.10 The day… thus far: Tilden. P.O. nothing but pay-statement & return receipt fm court papers to Noah (whom I’ll have to call on Monday). A walk to the beach at low, LOW tide. The beach disappears. A day w/Penelope and Stephie! Good day, that. And a lift back w/my Dream Driver (22) who made me crazy, opening & closing his legs, mindlessly, I’m sure, but I noticed. (CRUSH!) – In the door by 16.30 and right into bleaching the large wall. Now, all 4 are white… to the picture molding. I’m satisfied. – Nap… – Now? Hard-boiling 4 eggs for dinner. No fried food tonight. Drink? Not sure. But it’s… not really early enough. But maybe. – Tonight is the Black Party. Twitter will have few locals. I don’t miss the “party time life style”. Tomorrow they’ll regret, no doubt. I will be busy running about. – Dinner time… late.
23.26 Stimming was a semi-pleasure. – A 28y/o on Twitter is interested. I wonder what the reaction would be in person. But there are all kinds attracted to all kinds. Who knows? (But it’s that little possibility of disappointment… his… that irks me.) – Up-stairs has been busy since about 21.00. – Penelope agreed today: I should be paid to leave since it isn’t my decision to do so, I’m being forced out. Says she: rent, broker fee & basic furnishings. I’m seriously considering. – Somebody from the 3rd floor is using the bath-rooms in this floor. I wonder why. – The walls are bleached. Why does it smell foul in here? – The heater isn’t making it very warm in here tonight. – To sleep… NOW. Tomorrow is a rather packed day: Tilden, Modells, storage perhaps, M&E perhaps. – Still trying to decide: grey or brown beard? – New band on bottom teeth. It’s been YEARS now. I started when that bottom tooth came out at Margot’s. Is it now forever? And there are 2 more just about to go as well. I’m OLD OLD OLD and my teeth are falling out. O.L.D.! – To sleeo. – No booze. No PM.

20.Mar:
7.32 Up from since just past 5. War in Libya. I expected nothing less fm a lying Fed. – Stat bm for some reason. – Papers-work. Chqs. balanced. – Productive. – Things being thrown out. The dresser is emptying. Things out/things to storage. Here we go… again. – Quick nap. Off to Tilden. Then to Modells. Then perhaps to M&E… perhaps. – I’m tired already.
22.57 Q53 HowardBeach to The Rock. Tilden from 11-15.00. Took the 22 to B116 w/T.Burke. He’s still on 114. M.B. owns the house he’s living in w/her. P. thinks M.B.’s preg. Oh well. But T.’s doing exceptionally well at his job. Looking cleaned-up too. How time changes people. – We hung a bit at 114/TheBlvd. Somebody moved out of Bedlam today. I wonder who. I wonder more about what to expect when I get there. – Stopped at Modells for white sneakers. 80-bloodyfukkin-3$!!! O HELL NO! Black Levis in my size. 44$!! Cheapshit denim. Made in Mexico. Suck my bung. – Off to M&E. Lois, Diane, Mimi there. Nice seeing them all. Invited to dinner. VERY DELISH! Chicken, pesto, mozzarella. Salad. Coffee. I stayed much later than I’d planned. Fixed Ev’s glasses. (600$ & the screw fell out! SHIT!) – Got the bus immediately. Need cigs but noy STAT. – 23.07 SoChannel. Soon… to bed.

21.Mar:
8.03 Just waking. A very difficult time falling asleep last night. Very difficult. Heard one alarm this morning. Thankfully I still have time to get to work on time. – Rain. A day locked in the house with, well, no doubt some people who will be rather hostile. These are the times I truly hate this job. – And I’ll have to deal with Noah at some point and won’t do so in the house for all to hear. I have to tell him that correspondence needs to be conducted in writing since verbaks are not legitimate. (I can’t trust him.) – Gut is unsettled. The salad last night. – I remember: Lois wanted to know who I trust to drive M&E about. I wonder… No. I won’t mention the taxes & 62cents from the “gratuity”. Not worth it. But as Penelope says “they realise now, just how valuable my services were”. Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone. – Yup. Obama’s put us into war with Libya. Things are not good. – Welcome to Spring… and Monday. – I’m tired.
22.10 (as Copley commences) It was an “obviously” quiet day at work today. Rain? Pat’s pending news? Monday? I think it was attitude. But I got Bkls into the shower & out in record time. Then tried to stay awake for the day. After, took the El to SSLib to print a few things. Got a lettre to Noah done only tolreview & find ERRORS after Spell/Grammar check! I wanted to post it tomorrow morning! NOT! – Waldbaums for some groceries. Rang Penelope en route back. We chatted until after 21.00 whilst “dinner” cooked. – 2 boiled thighs & a tin of peaches w/Fage. “Dinner”. – Did dishes. Put up 5 seasoned thighs. 2 in fridge for tomorrow night. Not enough for the day but it got late. The timer turned iff whilst I prepped the seasoned thighs. – (22.18 up-stairs just plodded in. Furniture, clomping.) – I need to be rested tomorrow. If weather is clear, I’m bringing Bkls to PeninsulaLib to re-print the lettre & postlit. The lib opens at 13.00. I NEED TO GET THIS LETTRE OUT! FUKKEM! – Now? A moment or 2 on Twitter & then TRY for “natural” sleep tonight. A whower & drink would be nice but…

22.Mar:
5.54 Woke at 5.03.
DREAM: (I don’t recall all…) Cyndi’s house. We, several of us, family & friends, were supposed to go some-where. She was supposed to drive. It was getting too late to embarque & most had left on their own, disappointed. I told them it was typical of her to disappoint. – She suddenly appeard, in sleeping apparel. She’d gotten sick-drunk the nught before but looked fine. Had a bit of a negative attitude with me because she’d heard me tell the others that she’s unreliable. She didn’t speak to me, went for coffee. – Some words were exchanged. I don’t recall what. – Some people were in the room (kitchen) when I said something about it being my opportunity to make restitution for the things of mine she’d let go in storage. I began taking appliances (hit-plate, blender, food processor, microwave, &c.) and throwing them on the floor, against the wall, destroying them. Everyone in the room just stood watching. I wasn’t throwing anything with great force. I simply threw to ensure destruction of each item. No-one even made an effort to stop me. I calmly continued, going through cup-boards, drawers, the counter-tops, taking items and appliances and throwing them, destroying them. – I woke, calmly, in the midst of destroying things.
I’m some-what rested this morning. The wind is banging something about the back yard. Other-wise, it’s delightfully quiet. – I’m dreading this day at wirk. And I’m running low on latex gloves already!

15.08 YAY ME. Found a 20 by the fence on Old88 this morning. Then, I got Bkls cleaned up & the bed made with-out anybody knowing he slept all the while Pat was at the MRI. *THEN I GOT TO PENINSULA LIBRARY TO CORRECT & PRINT, THEN TO THE P.O. TO POST A CERT. LETTRE TO NOAH.* YAY ME! (Fuk them.) Gone an hour too. But no time to eat. Now? I’m tired. Pat’s snoozing. I’m tired.
(23.Mar:6.11)Tue. 22March: Stayed about 45mins after I clocked-out because Bkls began upper-bidy tremours. Nobody else seemed cincerned but I just couldn’t leave Pat there, alone (although Billy was up-stairs). I waited until Nancy got back, stayed a few more moments and left. – NO BUS! I took the beach to KeyFood & RiteAid. Snow in the forecast… Yes, SNOW! So I’m “provisioned”. – Spoke w/Penelope as I walked. – Coming into the house, Carmelo was bringing out the trash. Phil came by, said hello & passed by the door as I held it open for him. – THEN THE FUN: A NOTE TAPED TO “MY” DOOR, FROM JIM MILLER: Will I or will I not be paying the rent? WHAT? IT’S IN THE COURTS! Thankfully Penelope was on the phone. I read her the note, read her my lettre. Agreed I’d phone J.M. to say it’s in the courts. – Dinner. Dishes. Rang J.M. about 21.26. Left msg. which I wrote & filed for my records. – Read a little before going to sleep. – Goodnight.

23.Mar:
6.11 Forgot to put the ringer on again. Thank goodness for the timer. Fell asleep rather quickly last night. Although there’s no guarantee of safety here, I posted a lettre to Noah, I rang Jim. I’m following the law. – The radio says SNOW this morning. WINTER lingers. – Under-things soaking in the sink. The morning.
9.48 Bkls in PHC. I got the counter-top cleaned because of a pregnant roach (missed killing her). Am on the road (to no-where) to PIC for PPD. – As I left Bedlam, Phil mopping the w.loo. Toilet bunged. I offered o help. Declined… of course. – A day w/out pay. I NEED MONEY! But this is a bit of a blessing… time. – I’m alergic to the roach spray. No doubt about it. – Wednesday? Here I am.
18.40 On the Q53 to storage in HAIL! From rain to HAIL! And no umbrella, of course.
*** A THREE-DAY NOTICE. 3200$. DUE FRIDAY. ON THE DOOR KNOB. 1st CLASS MAIL. THE CERT WASN’T ON THE SHELF WHEN I CAME IN AT 16.30. I FOUND IT ON THE SHELF WHEN I LEFT FOR THE BUS. RETALIATION. ***
PPD done. Met with Ramdai. She expected me to be broader, full-faced, “big”. She’s a bit as I expected: pitite, nice, rather sweet. – Got to see Samantha too. She got up & gave me quite a hug. – For those who are evil, at Bedlam, there are those who appreciate me. – As I waited for the bus, a young Black man asked for a cig. I sold him one 15cents. He’s in the RckPkHotel. 2 to a room. It’s a “3/4” now. – And so, the new 65$ Reboks, good black shoes, cashmere coat go to storage. More to follow. I trust NO ONE any more. – Am I looking at The Shelter again? NO NO NO! NO! – “Christians”… the driver, a passenger. Their conversation is annoying. They’re loud. – Had to replace the band on the bottom teeth twice this evening. You’d think it wouldn’t be necessary any more. It’s been YEARS already. – 18.55 157thAv. Rain. No umbrella.

22.42 The cert notice was left at 16.45 according to the USPS site. Nobody came to the door. I guess the carrier went to Missy D. – Sabrett franks for dinner and too much sugar (6 DunkinDonuts & 4 swiss rolls). A vodka drink. I’m sober. Need to get some sleep. Will take work tomorrow. Need the money now. Those Reboks cost a day’s income! Fukme! The money comes in & flies out!

24.Mar:
22.49 When I got in this evening: 29 PENNIES ACROSS THE THRESH-HOLD SO I’D HAVE TO STEP OVER THEM. I RANG EV TO ASK HER THOUGHTS. SHE SAID IT’S JUST STRANGE. RANG PENELOPE. SHE TOO THINKS IT STRANGE. BOTH SAID THEY DON’T LIKE THE IDEA. BOTH SAID THEY WORRY ABOUT ME BEING HERE. BOTH ASKED THAT I BE CAREFUL. PENELOPE SUGGESTED PUTTING POTS & SPOONS AT THE DOOR TO MAKE NOISE SHOULD ANYONE OPEN IT AS I SLEEP. – 2+9=11. 11=K. BUT 11=1+1=2. 2=B. THE PENNIES REMAIN UN-DISTURBED BUT SALTED THRICE.
I’VE NO DOUBT IT’S DENISE. NO DOUBT IT’S BRUJERIA. I’VE NO DOUBT SHE WAS IN THE ROOM, SAW THE CANDLE. I’VE NO DOUBT THAT I’VE MORE SOULS AND SPIRITS TO PROTECT ME THAN SHE CAN ANNOY TO DO HARM. IT PROBABLY HAS TO DO WITH MY LETTRE TO NOAH. RETALIATION. I TOOK PHOTOS, SENT THEM OFF TO PHOTOBUCKET AS BACK-UP… FOR COURT.
Meanwhile, pulled 3 hours with Moe today. No cheque this time. Got the tyre repaired. A NAIL! The guy at Sunoco found it! Only 8$ for a plug. It’s done. I’ll be taking the out to L.I. next Tues. If only for a break from PIC.
Spoke w/Barbara T. this evening. She complimented me on how I work w/ill people. Michael is doing poorly. She’s got much on her mind. I’m sad for her. Her son…
Ev highly complimented me on my working w/Hep/HIV. Says I’m VERY RARE.
Penelope wants me at Tilden tomorrow after I go to PIC for the PPD reading.
Ramdai wants me to take a 4-hr in FarRock tomorrow. It’s until 18.00. I don’t want. I’ve much to accomplish tomorrow.
Coffee & cookies at M&E. Mango&Fage for “dinner”. It was 21.00 by the time I got to eat. Too late to cook. And the pennies bit… well.
PENNIES. ANTI-SEMITIC? REMINDER OF MONEY OWED? BRUJERIA? Y’know… MY MOTHER WILL NEVER LET SUCH HARM COME TO ME. NEITHER WILL THOSE FOR WHOM I CARED IN CALVAEY. THE METAPHYSICAL SUPPORT & PROTECTION IS POWERFUL.

25.Mar:
6.30 On the dot, on the A and my guts want to explode! The frozen mango w/yoghurt last night? The pennies in front of the door? The nasty note implying I’ve some “Fantasy” about Denise’s son (whom I wouldn’t know to see)? Nerves/stress in general? 3,5 hours of restless sleep? Needing to take even more days off work? More lost income? No work on Wednesday and today? Any and/or all of these. – And the intercom works on this damned train. Too bloody loud. – It’s bitter cold this morning. But clear skies. – Runny nose. Cough. Pain in my gut. Great day. – *THE ALARM IS SET IN THE ROOM TODAY.* – Have decided to take care of MY business before Tilden today. Penelope will expect me there by 11.00 or so. When I told her, last night, of my need to print a lettre to Noah she said “We’ll leave by 2. 2:30…” Disregard for my time and needs. Well, un her words: I will not be a victim. – South Channel & sun-rise. A nap.

26.Mar:
7.54 Pen just rang. En route to Tilden already? I’m not prepped yet. Hmmm. – Last night, just before lights-out at 23.00, I tried a cup of hot, sage tea. Slept well enough but this morning am rather anxious. Just an “un-settled” sensation over-all. There’s the anxiety of being in this house, as usual. But a bit more. The “not knowing” what bull-shit that rent-whore will pull. – As Penelope understood yesterday, she imbalanced, has grandiose delusions, fancies herself to BE the law, is capeable of any and all sorts of injurious actions. Then too, there’s the matter of coming in here yesterday, turning in the ceiling fan & having the light come on… somebody came in here whilst I was out. – Tonight perhaps, but tomorrow assuredly, much more will be moved into storage. Difficult to decide just what because I don’t want it to be obvious. But I don’t want what little I have to be destroyed. And Denise is destruction. – Now? I’ll make a sandwich to bring to Tilden. I’ll get showered & dressed, & get out of here for the day. Remaining un here will do me no goid at all. – I wonder about the pain in my side. Sharp this morning. – I’m annoyed that I haven’t heard from Pat about her surgery date, nor the news in Bkls. It puts me in “my place” & makes it easier to take the dates I’ll want (Tues. M&E) & need (Hsng. issues) in future. My “considerations” are never recipricated. – On with this day… this chilly day.
20.58 LONG BEACH/ATLANTIC BEACH a ride with Stephie! FUN! She offered to drive me back to Bedlam from Tilden. Mentioned curiosity about the Arverne to FarRock beach. We went on a drive. FUN! Didn’t get in until about 18.15! – Dinner: 3 hard-boiled eggs, potato-leek soup, swiss rolls. A drink? I’m contemplating. Don’t want the “tomorrow” but… – Calm right now. Pennies still at the door. Smudged when I got in. Sage in the new candle. The sage will cleanse. The candle has become comfort. Is anybody I ever cared for/about around these days? – More “stuff” ready to go to storage. Much “stuff” into the garbage. I’m clearing this place out. The top of the cupboard is quite empty. It’s all getting down to almost nothing. – No word from the Grotts. I’m pissed to be honest. My 40hr. week, fukked! No consideration for me. OK. The “mood” & “mode” are set. Good I’ve got about 40$ to make on Tuesday. And I WILL work for M&E on Tuesday! – Tired. It’s more the discomfort of being in here & the general stress of not knowing what insanity to expect.

27.Mar:
19.21 Q21 161Av to Bedlam fm storage. – It began OK. The day. Great weather. Twit (missed) fm LMJ. Sent him an e-mail. Got to Tilden by 11. Got books (O.Henry, Schopenhauer…Old German!) and some urn-shaped marble vase-type thing to block the door atlnight. – Had lovely schmooze w/Jess Schulman. Steph came, gave me the toll $ fm yesterday. Talked quite a bit. Enjoyed the day. Most of all because I’m not into the RAA politics. – Back at Bedlam, napped 30mins. Penelope woke me:
1. They’re arguing over 2 exhibits & placement of food. *I* suggested a large banner to draw attention to T6. PENELOPE told Janet, as if it was HER idea. (That’s twice. The ginger tea is 1st.)
2. She calls to ask me my opinion on some silly school-girl scheme involving her her glass-works & involving Janet. I begin tell her my opinion, she becomes argumentative then won’t SHUT UP!
I rang-off on her. I just can’t take any more! “I understand. You’re not feeling well.” she says to me!
OK. More “stuff” to storage. I need bread. To Waldbaum’s before Bedlam. (19.33 So.Channel) On a bus that could leave me at the door… BUT NO! (I do need bread… really… & something quick & easy for dinner.)
20.56 *I’m quiet. I’m relatively ckean. I’m hyper-sensitive to the rights and needs of others. I do my best to help others even to the point of inconveniencing myself. I do my very best to be a non-entity in the lives of others. I’m respectful of others and their property. So how is it that, once again, I find myself not wanted where I am? How is it that others cannot either appreciate me or simply let me live as I am? I don’t intrude. I follow laws, of man and Nature. So quiet. So unintrusive, unobtrusive. How is it I’m unwanted… again? I’d appreciate an answer.*
21.03 4 Sabrett franks for dinner. The bread was stale. – A few brief twits with LMJ! – Dishes done. Day done. KHRNY on the radio. – Now, 21.04, bumpbumpbump on the ceiling. The next place I move to will not be under anyone! – Chilly night again. Windy. Shit banging in the yard. – No word about work tomorrow. If I don’t hear, I’ll ring PIC. I bloody need money! Shit. Or, I’ll head to the lib-circuit for Craig’s listings for “real” work. Fukthis. – I really am uncomfortable in this place. Smudged tonight. Have decided the pennies are to keep my magik in the room & away from whim-ever. Not directed “at” me. What-ever. – I might have a drink tonight for bed-time. A light one. – Again, libido is fine… as long as I’m not “here”. – The yippiedog is in the yard & going at it (21.11). – My guts are in cramp-knots! Stress. Tension. Bedlam.

28Mar:
1.41 3 drinks. An evening w/LMJ on Twitter. Stimmed a load into the Shelter hikers. And…
There’s a beautifully clear pool of wax in the candle. Softly settled in it, the sage. And the answers to the Bedlam dilema have come:
.What kind of freak would leave the pennies at my door followed by a message of that kind taped to the door in the late hours of the night?
.The promised carpet up-stairs is still not installed.
.The incident w/Barbara on The Blvd.
.The refusal of rent.
.The incident in FoodTown.
I’ve got a list. And a clear pool of candle-wax, w/sage softly lying in it.
I have my answers.
Now… to nap.
21.43 LAST NIGHT! LMJ ON TWITTER! I SO WANT TO MEET HIM! Before sleep, I stimmed-off in the Shelter Hikers, took the insoles out, put them in my loggers. Wore them all day… with the load in them! When I took them off, I wanted “at” them! But…
I can’t continue in this place much longer. Coming here makes me physically sick. Cramps. The runs. Nerves. It’s torturous Hell. Wondering what bullshit is to come. What insanity. I keep checking the door to see what will be taped on it. The thrashing up-stairs. It’s taking a toll on me, physically. On a day when I could have rested, I bolted for the door. I don’t want to stay in here. I don’t want to be seen going to do laundry. I dread gricery shopping because of the possibility of encountering Denise/Carmello. I dread standing on the street, waiting for the bus. I NEED to get OUT! But… – I made the xfr from MXU to TD this morning, took the F to MMLib for PC time. Then walked to SIBL. Bought a “Flash Drive” for 10$. I now have my CV & cover lettre available. Got an hour on the OC at SIBL. – Rang Grott after MMLib. Nancy told be Bkls would be in PHC until next week. BULLSHIT! PIC rang at about 17.15 (I was in the Q53 back) to say he’s back on service… TOMORROW! I’d already told M&E I’d drive out to The Island tomorrow & into The City on Thursday! FUKIT! – Caught hell from Cheryl because I’d spoken with Nancy. Well, I’ll make some cash this week & the Grotts will make do with whom they get (since Nancy told me some bullsgit). – Very tired now. The thermometre reads 22. I feels more like 12. My guts are gurggling. Lorraine’s wall-thumping. I need sleep.

29.Mar:
Tue. 29: L.I. – It was a wonderful day for the drive to Roslyn. Brought M&E out to the MD appt. I simply ignored the last second “directions”, let Moe take his time wandering. If he doesn’t mind paying for the time, I won’t mind accepting the money. We left on time, made good travel time, & the Dr. took his time calling Moe in. Meanwhile, the stay in the waiting room was delightful with a hot youngish Italian guy (who helped his father get about with such care & sensitivity I couldn’t help but think “Such gentle caring, he’s not only hot, he’s sensitive too!”). And he looked my way several times, sat with legs open & had quite an impressive basket. I got a name & phone from the Dr’s registre. Not that I’ve the nerve to “do” anything with it. – And dinner at the Landmark diner. Roast beef sandwich, filling & settled well. – We got back to the flat at 20.45! I’m figuring 6hrs for the day. – Twitter tonight until late. (I have to ref. it further. But now, on Thurs. 31.3 10.56, loo-time.)
TuesCont.: My Man LMJ got “busy” tonight! And I drank too much, twitting the night away. We, he & I got to the Boots on Twitter! Damn! I do want the means to get to meet this guy. – I was SO exhausted, from the usual mental/emotional stress & angst that I “finished off” by hand… on the LEFT insole of The Shelter Hikers. (Now both are in my Loggers. LMJ’s pushing me into places I’d never believed I’d ever go. And I’m liking it.) – Fell out after. – Ah… Jordan (Kingston) proves to be most interesting. He “watched” & commented. Into it too. 3 of us… all so far apart. Figures. Fate.

30.Mar:
Wed. 30: Motek
Wed. 30.March: LAUNDRY! AT LAST! FRESH BED LINENS! 12bloody$! But I made a wash this morning! – DSS/HRA Mogu: The rent cheque is still in the office. I’ll go for it on Friday morning. If I ABSOLUTELY MUST I’ll have it sent directly. No matter what, a payment will reflect better on ME in the courts.
MOTEK! MET MOTEK FOR LUNCH… IN BKLYN. (1,5hr trip w/excellent connections. NYC BULL-SHIT!) It was a great time with him. Tomorrow’s hus 54th. Wow. We talked about “us”, he mentioned how far I could go… if… why we’re both hqnging in here, how tired he is fm the meds &c. He invited me to stay for dinner w/him & Chris. I declined. I have a “gut feeling” Chris does NOT appreciate my being around. TooFukkingBad. – Left about 20.00. Showered at Bedlam. – Pretty OK day I suppose.

31.Mar:
Thu. 31:NYC
20.40 Today… Well, I slept quite well last night: Clean bed, showered me. I wanted to sleep the day away but, got up/out of bed by 8.25. Pfutzed. Showered by 11 & out the door into cold drizzle. – Fire Dept. was at the store down-stairs. I wonder… Inspection? Anyway, off to M&E. We were on the road by about 12.45 or so. Good timing too. Whilst they were at the Dr. I drove to B&N 82nd/Bwy. GOT A BOOK! (almost 30bloody$) Hard-cover, slightly abused, Hx CA. But I have it. (Now to TRY READING it in.the Fukhole). Stayed at the parking space, bgan reading. Twittered a bit. Made it back to the Dr’s office just on time (tho Moe’s getting to be a pain in the arse… slow, inconsiderate, poor Ev).
MAGNIFICENT MSG FM MOTEK. HIS “DATE DIDN’T SHOW (poor guy) SO I SENT A CUTE REPLY. HE ACTUALLY SAID HE LOVES ME IN HIS OWN WAY! I’M RELIEVED. MY SENTIMENTS AREN’T ONE-SIDED.
***THEN THE NEWS: Grotts don’t want me in the case! Records indicate Pat said so! I deleted their contact info. FukEm! Even Ev said I gave too much to them. So? Let them fuk with someboey else now. Bitches & idiots. I’m finished. Don’t care.
Light dinner at “Mothers”. Stop’n’Shop. (I got the usual far end of the store.) Back to the flat. A CQ. for 13,5hrs. And as I was having a coffee Moe gets into the “getting late” shit. I left a half cup behund & told him no more doting. Fm now on? We get back… I leave.
20.57 B98. Drizzly. Cold. What to expect at Bedlam? FUK!
22.02 As I approached Bedlam, Lorraine was lwaving. As I entred the room, up-stairs was in full swing. Now, I’m showered, contemplating a drink. Lorraine is back (I hear), up-stairs is still clumpity-clomping. – At mid-night the back rent goes to 36. 16 is at B59. Looking in my head where to go. – 22.05 up-stairs is moving furniture. NEVER AGAIN will I reside under some ANYbody! – I wonder if I have a tumour on my liver. It’s painful. – I’m tired. – No LMJ on-line. Sad.