Saturday, 13 October 2007
She (Margot Baldinger), sent me off this morning, penniless, with-out food. It’s a brisk, autumn morning and when she saw the temperature (in the 40’s), her comment was “It’s going up to the 60’s later. Should be a nice day.” She doesn’t care. She doesn’t talk. She just sits, in her recliner, adjusting for her over-whelming fat, compalining, moaning, whining about the pain in her knees and legs.
She sends me out into the day, with no place to go but…
This is the morning that cannot fail. I can’t take any more of this. I just can’t. This is worse than anything my father ever did to me. This is worse than anything anybody has ever done to me.
This is the morning that cannot bring me back. There’s no one to go to. There’s no one to talk with. There’s no one to turn to. I’m really very much alone here and now.
All I hope for is painlessness. I’ve suffered long and hard enough in life. All I ask is that my death be peaceful and calm and painless. To sleep… just to sleep… to drift off and to drift away.
I’ve been thinking of all the people whom I’ve met and liked and loved in my life-time. I’m sorry that I’ve ever hurt any of them. I know, too well, what it means to be hurt and I’ve never wanted to inflict that sort of misery on anybody else. It’s not my place to do that. I hope they will forgive.
Meanwhile, I have met the ultimate in self-absorbed and selfishness and I believe I’ve seen true “evil” at last. This should be the end of my life’s experience. Margot Baldinger, you’ve shown me exactly what it’s like to be so completely uncaring and selfish… I don’t like it… I can’t handle it.
You’ve blamed me for things I’m not responsible for. You’ve accused me of things I haven’t done. You’ve convicted me of crimes I’m not guilty of. You’ve belittled me. You’ve bashed me at every chance you’ve ever had. Your words are hateful. Your actions are miserable. And I want the world to know that more than anything else. You should get along very well with my hateful sister and her hateful father. I hope you all get together and give one another exactly what you all deserve.
Now? It’s time for me to get to the warmth of the sunshine. I may not have had a great life, but I’ll be damned sure to have a great death.
Thanks Margot, for shoving me off…
to death.

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